March 18, 2024 • 48 mins
In this heartfelt question from an anonymous viewer, we delve into the struggles of a Christian wife facing difficult revelations about her husband's behavior. After a men's encounter, he confesses to engaging in pornography and even drinking while driving. Despite her initial acceptance without nagging, she now faces the challenge of confronting the issue as she notices signs of alcoholism. Join us as we navigate the delicate balance between faith, confronting difficult truths, and seeking support within the church community. Remember, even within the church, individuals may grapple with personal demons, and it's crucial to address them with empathy and understanding.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
I don't like that sentence. I don't like the implications
of it. It sounds weak. It sounds like you're a pushover.
What's up, everybody, Welcome back to the podcast. Thanks for
being here to be honest with you. I was planning
(00:21):
on coming to do this podcast and I pulled into
the driveway and I heard my wife, Amber screaming, but
I knew the kind of scream that it was. It
was something to do with an animal, and she was
screaming Luna, Luna, and that's our German short hair, and
I instantly knew what must be happening. Luna's caller went out.
(00:43):
The battery ran out on her proximity collar, which gives
her and Remy, our other German short hair, a beep
when they start getting out of the proximity of the
barn where they live. They have plenty of room to run,
but they can't go a certain distance because we have chickens,
and the chickens run free. So I instantly knew what
was happening. As Amber was yelling, the battery had gone
(01:06):
out on Luna's collar and she was on a rampage
chasing a chicken. So I started sprinting this literally is
like fifteen minutes ago. I started sprinting. The chicken is
fast and Luna is a little bit faster. So between
flying and running with these little chicken legs, Luna is
(01:28):
just low to the ground, just full head of steam.
And every time she gets the chicken, she's ripping feathers.
I mean, she wants to kill ye. And so I
am trying to get to either one. I'm trying to
cut off this chase, and so it's the chicken's running
towards me. I try to cut it off, and the
chicken's going between my legs, and then I'm grabbing Luna,
(01:51):
but I'm missing her because she's so sleek and fast,
and when she gets in the mood like this, she
does not listen to any commands. She hasn't been trained
in that way. She's a bird dog and she hasn't
been trained for that either. It's just instinctive in her.
So this poor little chicken is getting feathers, just ripped off.
And finally I'm able to as the chicken goes under me,
(02:14):
I'm able to grab Luna as she's coming towards me,
and I grab her and a flip her over and
a and a position of dominance, and I pin her
shoulders back to the ground, you know, in a position
of dominance like dogs do to each other. And I'm
pinning her shoulders back to the ground, and I'm like, no,
but I am dying inside because I'm so tired. I
(02:35):
haven't made athletic moves like that in ten years, sprinting
and cutting, and who knows tomorrow what kind of sots
I'm gonna have. So I'm holding her down and Amber
is going to get a new battery for her collar,
and she puts the you know, kind of gets the
chickens out of the way, and she replaces the the
battery and the collar. And then as I'm handing Luna
(02:58):
off to Amber, she's off again. She slips between my
hand and Amber's hand as we're doing the trade off.
And now Luna is heading towards the entire flock of
chickens at the coop and she's just taking out chicken
whatever comes close to her. She's biting and ripping feathers.
Chickens are running everywhere. So here I am sprinting again,
(03:19):
this time on a gravel road, falling all over the
gravel road as my shoes are slipping on the gravel,
landing on my hands, landing on my elbows, just trying
to grab Luna, finally get her again, get her situated
back in the barn with the other dog, and made my.
Speaker 2 (03:38):
Way up here to do this podcast.
Speaker 1 (03:39):
So that is my mentality, that's my mindset going into
this podcast. And I'll try my best to answer these
questions now with my heart rate up and soreness impending
on me tomorrow. I answer your questions. That's the format
of this podcast, and you email me at podcast at
Granger's dot com, podcast at grangersmith dot com. Ask me
(04:04):
anything about life, whatever you want. We'll walk through it.
And I don't have all the right answers.
Speaker 2 (04:09):
I just have.
Speaker 1 (04:11):
A biblical worldview, and I'll treat you as I would
any other friend in the cab of a truck. The
first one comes from Jamie and it says, Hey, Granger,
I loved the episode with you and Marv. It was
really interesting to hear his perspective on things and he
seems like a really great guy. Yes, Marv is a
great guy, she says. My question is a follow up
regarding should the husband and wife both work outside the home.
(04:37):
I agree that a strong home life is quite possibly
the most important thing for a child. That said, I
am a fire That said, I am a firefighter, and
my wife is in school to be a nurse.
Speaker 2 (04:49):
So now I'm seeing Jamie's actually a guy's name.
Speaker 1 (04:52):
I know a lot of other couples in similar situations
who are able to work opposing days and keep a
parent at home at all times. We both feel called
for a number of reasons to serve in this way
using the talents we were given. I'm curious your thoughts
on situations such as this where the wife isn't working
just to pay for a lifestyle, but rather because she
(05:13):
feels called to do so in a specific area. The
dual income is more of a side effect and also
helps pay back the needed student loans. Your podcast has
changed my life completely and I'm forever grateful. I don't
know where I would be if I hadn't listened that
very first time. Thanks and God blessed Jamie. Hey, Jamie,
thank you buddy very much. And I love your question
(05:33):
because you articulated very well the situation, and you kind
of cut me off at probably common questions that you
thought I might ask, For instance, what's the reason both
of you are working, and you're saying it's not financial,
that's a perk, but it's because we both feel called
in the specific area. And you also made it clear
(05:56):
that it's possible and you've seen it work where other
people do opposing work shifts so that there is a
parent at home in all days, all times. And you
also said, which I believe you said, a strong home
life is quite possibly the most important thing for a child.
Speaker 2 (06:14):
I agree, and I.
Speaker 1 (06:15):
Appreciate your vulnerability and vulnerability opening up on something like this,
and I want to walk through it with you because
there's a couple of things that I think we should
discuss in one although Okay, first of all, we're gonna
completely you already did this, but for everyone listening here,
I'm gonna completely throw out the scenario of both parents
(06:37):
absolutely have to work just to get by, just to
put food on the table for the kids. Both parents
have to work, and that's and the dad is is
also working a few jobs. So that is not the
case here. So don't anything I'm about to say, don't say, granger,
(06:58):
what if, what if, because that.
Speaker 2 (07:00):
Is not a what if in this situation.
Speaker 1 (07:02):
Okay, Secondly, there is something biologically, emotionally nurturing, very different
between a father and a mother. God made a father
(07:22):
and the mother to co inhabit a home because of
that was the creation order. That's why he created the
differences between the husband and the differences between the wife.
That translates into being a father and a mother in
different ways.
Speaker 2 (07:41):
And children need both.
Speaker 1 (07:45):
Don't think right now that what I'm saying is it's
not possible to raise kids in a single family household,
single parent household. Don't think I'm saying that it's not
possible to have a good upbringing with only one parent.
What I'm saying, I'm saying ideally, in creation, it was intended. Now,
(08:06):
after the fall, a lot of the intentions are lost
because of sin, but the intended creation was that a
man and a woman would co parent and each having
very important attributes that they pass on to the child
through parenting. And I don't have to get into science
(08:27):
here to let anyone know that it's very evident what
the father brings in different aspects to the table of
parenting and what the mother brings. That being said, standing
on that foundation when the children are young, it is
in many ways more valuable to have the mother raising
(08:51):
the young ones full time. If you were going to
if you're going to pick, if you had two parents
co parenting in a household, you said, okay, with young kids,
which one is better, the father or the mother historically,
and it's I don't have to really twist your arm
on this, and according to creation order anyway, the answer
is to mother. That's why you get the term motherly instinct.
(09:16):
That's that's why people that you know, you know, throw
out terms like mother Earth when they think of nurturing
and balance and and sensitivity and sympathy, they you think
of that is in terms of a mother a hen
a mama hen right. And that's not just humans, it's
(09:37):
you see it throughout most of all of creation, through
all the animal kingdom.
Speaker 2 (09:43):
Right.
Speaker 1 (09:44):
So that's why I would make an argument against saying, well,
we want to do the best we can, so we're
gonna the father is gonna parent when the mother's on shift,
and the mother's gonna parent when the father's on shift.
What I'm trying to say here is not that hey,
don't do that, that's bad. I'm trying to say, that's
(10:06):
not the way it's supposed to be. And when you
go against the way it's supposed to be in our nature.
Then you're gonna fight some battles, and there's gonna be
there's gonna be some casualties in that battle. There's gonna
be some sacrifices you have to make, and you're not
gonna be able to live up to the full potential
(10:27):
of your nature if you fight against it in that way. Right, Listen,
This isn't like a dominance perspective or like a textbook
way to say things without emotion.
Speaker 2 (10:41):
What I mean.
Speaker 1 (10:42):
What I mean is your own conscience can attest to
what I'm saying just by looking around you and how
you interact with the world, how most likely you interacted.
Speaker 2 (10:54):
With your mother and your father.
Speaker 1 (10:57):
It's how I interacted with my mother and father, and
it's also how I interact with my kids. Now, I
don't have the capability. I don't have the capacity to
nurture my kids at the same level in the same
way as Amber does.
Speaker 2 (11:16):
Now.
Speaker 1 (11:17):
Don't get me wrong, I have capabilities of doing things
that Amber cannot. I have the ability to think about
this a lot to I have the ability to enable
long term compassion. She has a better ability to enable
short term compassion. For instance, when Lincoln falls down and
(11:38):
hurts and skins his knee chasing a chicken. Amber has
the capability in a really good way to have instant
compassion on the situation, let's clean this off, let's get
some hydrogen peroxide, and let's get a band aid. That's
not where my mind goes. My mind goes, he's gonna
(12:00):
be fine, Brush it off, get up, You're fine. And
that's not because I don't care about his pain or
his immediate compassion. What I do care about is him
learning in the long run to be able to get
up and go and shake things off, because life is
gonna come at you hard, and so I want him
to be able to have a tolerance for pain so
(12:24):
that he could press forward in this world. And that
is long term compassion, That is caring about his long
term well being, as opposed to Amber, who cares more
and rightly so, for his short term well being, and
she thinks less of get up, shake it off, You're
gonna be fine.
Speaker 2 (12:44):
On the road.
Speaker 1 (12:45):
We both Amber and I both have the capability of
dabbling in that. Of course I care now about his knee,
and of course, and of course she cares about the
long term, get up, shake it off. But I'm saying
I care more about it in that area, and she
cares more about it in that area. Does that make sense?
And that's not something we develop or that's not something
(13:07):
that we've evolved into that we could now de evolve from.
Speaker 2 (13:11):
It's just the way we're created. And so.
Speaker 1 (13:16):
Let me hit something else on this to continue to
answer your question, and the question is to remind everybody,
is it okay for both parents to work outside of
the home with kids at home so that you could
fulfill a calling that you have in a specific area.
(13:38):
And this this instance, service base, calling to help students kids,
or as far as Jamie's concerned, firefighting, So very honorable positions.
I'm you know, That's what I'm trying to say on
both of these instances.
Speaker 2 (13:55):
And so.
Speaker 1 (13:59):
Knowing what you already know that quite possibly the most
important thing for a child is a strong home life.
And I've already established that I believe in the created order,
a strong home life must include, if possible, the mother
staying at home, regardless of a call that the mother
(14:20):
has in a specific area. Now here's the beautiful thing
about this. This is a beautiful thing and I hope
I've laid this all out in a fair way. The
beautiful thing is kids are at home for such a
short time, such a short window, and I'm talking about
(14:41):
infant to toddler to kindergarten. And once the kids the
lowest child hits kindergarten, the youngest child hits kindergarten, the
mother all of a sudden is freed up during the
day and has the ability to start dabbling in the
calling of that specific area you referred to, Jamie. And
then it's just a blink of an eye, a flash.
(15:04):
When the last kid graduates high school. You have the
rest of your life, which is the majority of your life.
The minority of your life is raising kids at home.
That is gone in an instant and the rest of
your life a long time, Lord willing, the kids are gone,
(15:24):
and then you are now free and clear without guilt
to pursue that calling in the specific area, in this case,
to be a teacher. And I think that's a beautiful thing.
And I believe to answer your question, that's the right
thing to do, To deny yourself and be self sacrificing
(15:51):
towards the children. I think that's the right thing to
do as a mother, And for like the tenth time,
I hope I built that scenario in not some kind
of domineering way, but more more towards showing the highlighted
(16:11):
strengths of the mother and the father, and the father
just doesn't have the strength that the talent, that's the
ability to empathize compassionately in a way that is better
than the mother at raising the children. And I'll tell
you this and last thing, certainly better than a daycare
(16:37):
system of any kind. Somebody is going to raise your kids,
regardless whether it's a prison warden, or it's a school teacher,
or it's a football coach, or it's a parent. Somebody
is going to raise those kids. Don't you want it
(16:57):
to be you are? Would you rather someone else raise them?
And you follow the calling you feel is on your
life to be a teacher? The choice is yours. But
I think that's a clear answer. Next question comes from
Nathaniel says, Hey, Grangel, I'm sixteen years old and recently
(17:24):
out of behavioral health residential treatment. I've been out for
three months and I'm already drinking heavy, smoking nicotine, and
watching porn constantly. I want help, but I don't feel
like I could tell my parents because I don't want
to go back to treatment. Yeah, thanks for being honest, Nathaniel.
(17:44):
And I want to tell you first of all that
there is hope. You're never without hope. As long as
you're breathing air on this planet. You have hope and
a savior, and that is Jesus to free you from
the slavery of sin that.
Speaker 2 (18:00):
You're in right now.
Speaker 1 (18:01):
It doesn't release you from being free of sin, but
you're free from being a slave to it where you
can no longer make any other decisions. But it right.
So after I say that, I will say too that
I'm not I'm not totally into behavior health residential treatment centers.
(18:24):
I'm not totally into that, and I do see failures
all the time with that. Probably we're seeing something that
connects to the first question with Nathaniel. If I was
betting on the situation, which I'm not, if I was
(18:47):
going to wager on the situation, I would say something
in that first question I just answered about parenting is
involved in this second question with a failure of it.
Most likely now, of course there's situations where it's not.
But and I think that also comes with the fear
you have of telling your parents for fear that they
(19:08):
will put you back in this treatment instead of taking
it on themselves self sacrificially, if that makes sense, Nathan Nathaniel,
what you're doing here drinking heavy, smoking nicotine, watching porn constantly.
(19:31):
The drinking heavy thing is the only thing that can
turn into alcoholism, which is detrimental. So nicotine could be
quit and porn can be quit. Not to minimize those
two things. They are both chemical addictions in a way,
and we'll talk about that on a an upcoming podcast exclusively,
(19:56):
so stay tuned for that. But you're you're drinking heavy,
smoking nicotine, watching porn, there there is always a common
denominator behind that, if you think about it. So those three,
those three things are very different from each other, but
you can't you can't try to tackle with a treatment
(20:18):
facility each one specifically, Like we're gonna deal with alcohol,
and now we're gonna deal with the nicotine addiction. Now,
now we're gonna deal with the porn. They're so different
it would take different treatment facilities and different different activities
and therapy treatments to handle each one. Unless you realize,
I think there's a common denominator. I think there's a
common cause of this, and the common cause of all
(20:41):
of them is the same common cause I.
Speaker 2 (20:43):
Have, and that's sin.
Speaker 1 (20:46):
All have sin and fall short of the glory of God.
And the only answer to sin is the one who
defeated it, and that is Jesus. The way this is
laid out is through the Bible, the revealed Word telling
us who he is and what he did for sin. Now,
(21:08):
what I would say after at this point is a
good faithful, healthy church is better in this instant than
you going to a residential treatment facility and failing yet again,
going to a church and saying, show me what to do.
(21:28):
I need help. If you went to a good, faithful,
healthy church, you notice I had to articulate that, because
just like hospitals, there's good hospitals and bad hospitals. That
doesn't mean when you see a bad doctor, it doesn't
mean you stop trusting hospitals. It means you go to
a good hospital with good doctors. And if you're doing
(21:51):
that with a good church with good pastors, and you
wholeheartedly come in and go I need help. I'm sixteen,
these are my problems.
Speaker 2 (22:01):
Show me what to do. And then Nathaniel, you do it,
you will be healed.
Speaker 1 (22:08):
That is I don't take that lightly that I just
said it that way, and I will never retract what
I said in that way. If you go to a
Bible believing, good faithful, healthy church with good pastors and
you tell them I have this problem and they give
you solutions that are it's not.
Speaker 2 (22:27):
A one and done, it's a walk. It's a continual walk.
Speaker 1 (22:32):
And you say tell me what to do, They show
you the walk, they say, imitate me, You follow them.
Speaker 2 (22:37):
You do what they say, you will be healed.
Speaker 1 (22:40):
And every month that goes by, every year that goes by,
you'll become better and less reliant.
Speaker 2 (22:46):
On those old things. That's it. I'm sorry, buddy that
you're in this situation to begin with.
Speaker 1 (22:57):
The show is sponsored by Betterhelp. So what's the first
thing you would do if you had an extra hour
in your day?
Speaker 2 (23:04):
Mike?
Speaker 1 (23:04):
Would you go for a run, take a nap, read
a book, show up for a friend. I don't know
your answer, but a lot of us spend our lives
wishing we had more time. No one on their deathbed
looks back and says I had too much time. The
question is time for what if time was unlimited, how
would you use it. The best way to squeeze that
(23:26):
special thing into your schedule is to know what's important
to you and make that a priority. You know, therapy
could help you find what matters to you, so then
you could do more of that. And that's what therapy
did for Amber and I when we went after losing
riv We were able to see what was triggering us,
what was important to us, what was a priority to us,
(23:48):
and then we were able to go back and use
that less of the triggers, more the priorities. This shouldn't
just be for me and Amber. If you are thinking
about starting therapy, give Better Help a try. It's entirely online.
It's designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule.
Just fill out this brief questionnaire to get matched with
(24:09):
the licensed therapist and then you can switch therapist at
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Speaker 2 (24:14):
It's super convenient and no green couches.
Speaker 1 (24:17):
Learn to make time for what makes you happy with
Better Help. Visit Betterhelp dot com slash granger today and
get ten percent off your first month. That's Better Help
h e lp dot com slash granger. If you want
to get a hold of me for any reason. Have
you thought about cameo. Cameo allows you to reach out
to me, send me a message or something you want
(24:40):
me to say, like, Hey, Granger, can you tell my
brother John happy birthday for me? He's a fan, he
listens to the podcast, etc.
Speaker 2 (24:47):
Etc.
Speaker 1 (24:47):
And then I can get my phone out, turn my
camera on and do a selfie where it's like, what's up, John,
I heard from your brother Mark, and I wanted to
say happy birthday, man, thank you for listening to the podcast.
Hope to see one of these days. Maybe whatever you
want me to say. It's super easy, very convenient, and
a great gift for someone that has everything, or a
(25:10):
great last minute gift if you haven't gotten them anything
in the days tomorrow or today. Cameo dot com slash Grangersmith.
That's how you find me, c ame eo dot com
slash Grangersmith. Next question comes from Bastian says, Hey Granger,
my name is Bastian and I love your podcast and
I really appreciate you helping so many people out. I
have been a singer since high school and I've seen country,
(25:33):
but I've always had trouble writing the melody and the
chord progressions.
Speaker 2 (25:38):
I've got a couple.
Speaker 1 (25:39):
I've got a bunch of lyrics, but I don't know
where they go, where to go from here? And I
would really appreciate any advice on how to overcome this issue. Again,
love the podcast, Take care of Bastian. Hey, Bastian, appreciate you, buddy,
Thanks so much for emailing. And your question is you
write lyrics. I'm telling myself this as I reached I
(26:00):
don't read these questions before Handel you've had trouble writing
melody and chord progressions, but you like you're a lyricist. Well,
first of all, some people are just lyricist, and there's
nothing wrong with that. You're a poet, And there are
(26:23):
other people that only write melodies and they're just not
great lyricist. Because you can write a chord progression in
your head, you could sing something, but maybe you're just
not happy with the way it comes out. And there
are people that do really good melodies but not really
happy with the way they do lyrics. So my first
encouragement is to find those people, find your match, find
(26:46):
the person that does melody, and you'll have some great
songs that way, And then secondly, I would I would
encourage you to learn an instrument and learn it. If
you say I do know guitar or piano, I would
say learn it better. The more you know your way
(27:06):
around a piano or a guitar, the more naturally you're
going to feel and hear melodies, and the easier it
is at that point to put your lyrics on top
of it. So either get together with someone that writes
melody and you write lyrics, or start advancing through practice
(27:27):
you playing piano and guitar. Next question comes from anonymous.
It says, mister Smith, my wife and I are in
the middle of a divorce and were not at all together.
Speaker 2 (27:40):
It's been rough.
Speaker 1 (27:42):
I found myself in a very dark place and in
a bad rut. I knew my options were that the
divorce or possibly another attempt at suicide. I'm grateful to
survive one. But while this was all going on and
it seems like all my life is in a dark cloud,
(28:03):
I met a woman who likes me. She didn't know
the story or anything. She just thought I was genuine.
She makes me happy, She treats me like a man
and is super supportive. She has a son just like me,
she's an awesome mom and someone who shares faith in
God like I do. My ex wife didn't at all
believe in any of that. My question is am I
(28:26):
a bad guy for already finding someone? I didn't expect
any of this. It happens so random. Thank you for
your time, Granger. Okay, Anonymous, bad divorce. There is a
kid involved. We learned that from the second paragraph. But
(28:49):
your main question is should I feel guilty for finding
someone so soon after such a bad experience with the
first one. So I would say, first of all, no,
you're not a bad guy for doing that. You're a
bad guy because you're a sinner like me. And that's
(29:12):
the inherent problem that we answered a few questions ago.
So we have to know what the common denominator is
and why we're bad. That's the first thing we need
to know. We're not bad because of an action or
a decision or a bad way before that.
Speaker 2 (29:28):
We have corrupt hearts. That's the problem, and we need
new hearts.
Speaker 1 (29:32):
I don't believe you, Anonymous. I don't believe you that
you are a man of God. And I say that
because you said she's an awesome mom and someone who
shares faith in God like I do. I don't believe
in your faith in God. And the reason I say
it is because because the way you approached suicide with
(29:55):
no trust in any kind of good plan. That's not
a judgment on you, that's simply an acknowledgment that I
don't believe you're there yet. Let me put it that way.
That doesn't mean you're out of the race. I just
don't mean I don't believe you've really opened the door,
the door to think about what faith in God actually means.
(30:18):
I think you just say it because that's what we
say in America. They say, yeah, man, God, first, family,
second job, third. We certainly don't live that way, and
I don't think we really even believe it until our
eyes are opened to it. So that's my first challenge
to you, is what does that mean to have faith
in God and live that out? That's my challenge to you.
(30:45):
But that's not your question. That's a that's just a
something I'm talking about here, something I'm noticing with your email. Yes,
there is a danger. I believe you think there's a danger,
and I'm gonna agree with you.
Speaker 2 (31:04):
Although you didn't say it.
Speaker 1 (31:06):
I think the reason you you emailed me is because
not a lot of time has gone by, and you're
starting to wonder is it too soon? Am I rebounding?
Am I just going to this girl because she's saying
the right things? Am I just going from one problem
into another potential problem. I don't think you would have
emailed me unless you've thought that deep down, because I
(31:28):
think if enough time had gone by and you had
truly healed and you met a wonderful woman.
Speaker 2 (31:36):
Then I think I think you would You wouldn't email me.
You'd be like, this is great.
Speaker 1 (31:39):
No one needs to tell me good or bad. This
is She's great, and I've healed and and I'm gonna
make her happy and I'm gonna serve her, and she's
gonna serve me.
Speaker 2 (31:47):
This is great.
Speaker 1 (31:49):
But that's not the case. I believe you're emailing me
because you haven't healed yet. And since that's the case,
I'm gonna say I think there's a danger here of
you repeating. I think there's a danger with you not
(32:09):
being out of the dark place and bad rut that
you talked about earlier. And there is a way out
of a dark place and a bad rut that I
personally have been in myself, and that's through redemption of
a savior and not through a cute girl that says
some really nice things about me. So yeah, I would
(32:32):
say be careful. Let me go straight to your question.
My question is am I a bad guy for already
finding someone? You're not a bad guy for already finding someone.
You were bad before that same as me. But it
is probably unwise that you're in a relationship this soon,
(32:54):
and so practically speaking, guard your heart, pump the brakes,
don't move in with her, be very careful to not
get her son to attach to you and your son
attached to her. Let some time go by so that
you could have the appropriate time to heal, and then
plant yourself in a good Bible believing church with people
(33:17):
around you, brothers and sisters around you that could lift
you up and encourage you and.
Speaker 2 (33:22):
Attest to you.
Speaker 1 (33:24):
Hey, we love this girl, anonymous, We love this girl
you're with and we think she's great. Or hey, we
think it's a little too soon for you to be
in a relationship, and we would advise you to slow
this down a little bit so that way you don't
have to email this podcast. And that's for any question
(33:46):
anyone has. I would advise if you're in a good
Bible believing church with members of the church that support
and encourage you and love you, then you don't need
this podcast at all. Next question comes from Eli. It says,
Hey Granger, I'm a longtime listener. I love your book
(34:08):
like a river. I'm twenty four from Whitesville, Kentucky. I'm
a volunteer firefighter EMT and a pipefitter. My wife of
three months walked out on me February of twenty twenty four.
Little backstory. We met and started dating back in August
of twenty twenty three, and I got married in November
and had the usual arguments about money, but for the
(34:29):
most part, our relationship was good and full of love.
I'm messaging you because I need some advice because she
is twenty weeks pregnant as of March seventh, and I've
been gone for a month now. I haven't gotten much
of an explanation for her leaving, other than she doesn't
want to be married anymore and she doesn't even want
to talk to me. I prayed about it, and recently
(34:51):
she's back with her ex that she dated before me.
I don't know what to do now and or how
I'm going to be a good father with a child
that's growing up into households.
Speaker 2 (35:00):
I appreciate the advice.
Speaker 1 (35:03):
All right, Eli, let's dive into this. Thanks for emailing
buddy man. That's that's a quick turnaround. You started dating,
you met in August of twenty three, you married in
November of twenty three. What just a few months between
(35:24):
meeting and marriage, and then you divorced in February of
twenty four. I'm not sure, Eli, I'm not sure how
this happened, or why this happened, or where your buddies
are or your family that allowed this to happen. But
(35:49):
back to the question before this, where we need to
be surrounded by solid character people that we can give,
we could ask advice from, They could lift us up,
they can encourage.
Speaker 2 (36:01):
I just said the same thing last question.
Speaker 1 (36:03):
If you don't do this, then I'm speaking to anyone,
not you, Eli, I'm speaking to everyone. If you don't
do this, you have a huge likelihood of being deceived.
If you don't have people around you that are clear thinking,
good character, good integrity. If you're not surrounding yourself by that,
(36:25):
then you have full reign against anyone that might come
and take you off the rails, and you are being deceived.
Speaker 2 (36:33):
That's just it.
Speaker 1 (36:35):
That's definitely what happened here. You were deceived and there
was no one around you. I'm assuming or you just
didn't listen to anybody, but I'm assuming there weren't people
around you that walked you through this and counseled you
against marrying this person within two months of August September, October,
but three months of meeting her and then divorced three
(36:58):
months after that, you met married and divorced in a
six month period. That there's nothing wise about that on
any of those three turns. And now she's pregnant, and
so after all that commentary, the only card you have
(37:19):
left to play in this scenario is to be a
good father to that child. And the only way practically
to be a good father to that child is to
be in a close proximity. By the way, the whole thing, hey,
I don't want to be married anymore, and then she's
back with the ex. That is just that's so normal,
(37:40):
that's so predictable. She didn't just wake up and say
I don't want to be married. She already had her
eye on someone else that was sweet talking her. So
now you've got this baby coming, you got to stay
close to the baby. The only way to be a
good father is to be there for the child, to
be involved, to be active, to live down the road,
(38:01):
to be the one that takes them to school and
volleyball and soccer practice and all the things church. You
gotta do that. So that's the only car do you
have left to play? And let me just say again
like I've probably said the last four questions, and then.
Speaker 2 (38:21):
Join a good, solid, faithful church.
Speaker 1 (38:27):
Next question comes from anonymous again, and this one says,
after my husband went on a men's encounter, he came
back and confessed he had been doing porn and sometimes
he would secretly drink while driving home from work. I
accepted this like a Christian wife should.
Speaker 2 (38:47):
No nagging.
Speaker 1 (38:48):
Now a year later, I've been smelling alcohol on his
breath occasionally.
Speaker 2 (38:52):
What do I do?
Speaker 1 (38:54):
Drinking and driving is not okay? Do I continue praying
or confront He will most likely deny it. He serves
regularly in the church and is respected. That's a key
thing here. He serves regularly in the church and is respected.
Remember that thing I said earlier about doctors. When there's
(39:14):
one bad doctor, it doesn't mean you stop going to hospitals.
You just have to recognize the bad doctor. So here
we go. I've been preaching let's get involved with church,
and here we got a guy that is involved, that
is well respected within the church, and he has a
major problem, most likely hiding alcoholism.
Speaker 2 (39:32):
So let's dive in. Let's dive in.
Speaker 1 (39:34):
The First thing I want to say is I don't
like the sentence I accepted this like a Christian wife
should know nagging.
Speaker 2 (39:41):
I don't.
Speaker 1 (39:42):
I don't like that sentence. I don't like the implications
of it. It sounds weak. It sounds like you're a pushover.
It sounds like you're carrying some title where you're just
you're just supposed to appease the husband, and that's it.
And I don't even like the word accepting. I would
(40:03):
take forgive. I forgave him, right, but but with that,
And it's good that he came to confess this stuff
to you, and it's good that you didn't.
Speaker 2 (40:13):
Just leave him. So I like that, But but what.
Speaker 1 (40:17):
I want is he comes and confesses this and you say,
I forgive.
Speaker 2 (40:22):
You, but let me walk with you. Now.
Speaker 1 (40:27):
Now that you've opened the door up to these secret sins.
Let me walk with you so that we could walk
together in the light, lean on me. That this is
what this is what a good marriage should be. And
I'm not saying you don't have one or that you're
not capable of it. I'm saying, look, this is what
a good marriage should be. Two people that lean on
(40:49):
each other the good and the bad times, completely open.
Speaker 2 (40:53):
And I like that.
Speaker 1 (40:54):
You say I'm not nagging, and that should that should
open up an opportunity for him to say, I'm babe,
I'm having a craving. I'm having a craving to go
and buy some alcohol. And you say, good, Let's thank
you for telling me. Let's work through this together. Let's
let's replace this with something positive. Let's let me help
(41:19):
you walk through this together.
Speaker 2 (41:21):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (41:21):
That's the way that I wanted that scenario to work out.
It didn't, And that's why I say I don't like
the sentence. I accepted this like a Christian wife should
know nagging. That's why I don't like it, because that
that implies you just you agree to brush it under
the rug and forget about it, and you're being good
by just not nagging. And I want you to nag,
(41:42):
not in a bad, naggy way, but I want you
to and I want you to be able to say.
Speaker 2 (41:46):
Are you good? Are you good? Are you good? So
there's a difference in saying I know you're gonna mess
up again.
Speaker 1 (41:53):
Oh I should have known you're gonna mess this all
up for us and our family. There's a difference between that,
and there's a difference in you saying, hey, are you good?
You stayed up late last night, You didn't come to
bed till after I was asleep.
Speaker 2 (42:09):
Are you good?
Speaker 1 (42:11):
I saw your phone was out on the cabinet in
the kitchen and it wasn't plugged in. I'm assuming you're
up late with your phone.
Speaker 2 (42:20):
Are you good? Hey, I noticed the garage went up
last night and you left.
Speaker 1 (42:25):
Are you good? Are you good? Can I help you?
How can I encourage you? That's not nagging, that's persistence.
There's a difference between the two. Right, I know you
left last night. I know you're probably drinking.
Speaker 2 (42:37):
That would be bad. Don't do that. How can I
help you? Are you good? Let me help you? That's good? Okay.
Speaker 1 (42:47):
Now that's the past and now here's the present. You
have been smelling alcohol on his breath, occasionally drinking and
driver is on. Okay, do I continue praying or confront?
But well, first of all, there doesn't have to be
one or the other. Do I continue praying or do
I confront? You don't have to choose. You're always going
(43:10):
to continue praying for your husband. Wives, pray for your
husband's please, Wives, pray for your husbands. Please, don't stop
even when they're doing good. Wives, don't forget to pray
for your husband's. Now.
Speaker 2 (43:24):
Do you confront?
Speaker 1 (43:25):
Absolutely, But there's a way to confront without tearing into him,
without belittling him. Look, babe, you've been You've had a
lot going on at work. I want you to know
I want to continue to be here for you. And
(43:45):
you remember that thing you told me you confessed a
year ago or so. Remember when you said that and
I told you I wanted to be here for you.
Speaker 2 (43:53):
I still do. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1 (43:56):
But I also want to tell you I feel like
I've been smelling alcohol in your breath and I'm not
gonna judge you for that. I'm just gonna say I
want to walk through this with you. Let's bring this
to the light so that nothing worse happens. Okay, So
that's what I want you to do. That's the confrontation I'd.
Speaker 2 (44:16):
Like to see.
Speaker 1 (44:18):
And then something else. And this is the part you
don't want. This is the part you don't want to do.
But I'm gonna tell you.
Speaker 2 (44:22):
You gotta go to the church because if he is.
Speaker 1 (44:30):
Serving the church, they have to know, the hospital has
to know about the sick doctor. You can't continue to
let this go. There are things at stake here that
are very important. So you confront him first, he's in
the family. You tell him this. If he says, yes,
(44:52):
I need help, let's do it. Great, you work through it.
If he denies it, like you said he might. If
he denies it, you say, I'm here for you. I
want to be here for you, and you have to
go to the church. You say, yeah, listen, I want
to speak to the pastor and you And oh, here's
another thing, so that you're so that this doesn't get
(45:14):
bad for you. You should never meet in private with
the pastor. Women don't meet in private with the pastor,
especially telling problems about your husband.
Speaker 2 (45:24):
Don't do that. That's bad.
Speaker 1 (45:26):
So you want to have a counsel. The wife comes
in with a council of pastors, and maybe even that
the pastor's wives are there too, so that so that
this doesn't turn into something worse for you, Right, that's
a protection mechanism. And you say, I love my husband,
I love this church. I fear that he's drinking again,
(45:51):
and I don't think it's good to have a man
that's drinking in private, possibly dealing with alcoholism, possible dealing
with porn, most likely drinking and driving, serving the church
and being respected. Something has to give before something worse happens.
And on that path, Anonymous, something worse will happen unless
(46:18):
you do this right now, you guys, we walked through
some tough things on this podcast, and I want you
to know, as I say a lot that by no
means am I sitting here in this chair, this blue chair,
with a microphone saying I'm right about this, I am
(46:40):
right about this, do this.
Speaker 2 (46:41):
I'm right.
Speaker 1 (46:42):
That's not what I'm saying. The whole format of this
podcast is if we were friends, this is what I
would tell you if you came to me with the
different issues that we got on this podcast today.
Speaker 2 (46:55):
This is what I would tell you. This is this
is how I would lead you, and.
Speaker 1 (47:01):
They're usually more complicated because I don't know your reaction
to it, and I don't know the rest of the story.
So in a real life scenario, not that these aren't,
but if I was really dealing with you, I would
know more about it and we would wrestle through this
together with a Bible with scripture right in front of us.
But we don't, and so I just I'm making quick
comments on very difficult questions. And that's why I say
(47:24):
I don't want to stand here and say I'm right
about all of these. I want to say with humility.
We have to trust in the Lord. We have to
give our hearts to the Lord. We have to run
to our Savior. We have to realize we are sinners,
all have fallen short, and we will not ever be
able to bring glory to God. Our gain favor with
(47:46):
God apart from the finished work of Jesus and what
he did on the cross as a substitute for us,
taking on the punishment that we deserved, so that he
who knew no sin could become sin, so we could
become the righteousness of God.
Speaker 2 (48:06):
We'll see you all next Monday.
Speaker 1 (48:08):
Thanks for joining me on the Grangersmith podcast. I appreciate
all of you guys. You could help me out by
rating this podcast on iTunes. If you're on YouTube, subscribe
to this channel. Hit that little like button and notification
spell so that you never miss anytime I upload a video.
YII
I don't like that sentence. I don't like the implications
of it. It sounds weak. It sounds like you're a pushover.
What's up, everybody, Welcome back to the podcast. Thanks for
being here to be honest with you. I was planning
(00:21):
on coming to do this podcast and I pulled into
the driveway and I heard my wife, Amber screaming, but
I knew the kind of scream that it was. It
was something to do with an animal, and she was
screaming Luna, Luna, and that's our German short hair, and
I instantly knew what must be happening. Luna's caller went out.
(00:43):
The battery ran out on her proximity collar, which gives
her and Remy, our other German short hair, a beep
when they start getting out of the proximity of the
barn where they live. They have plenty of room to run,
but they can't go a certain distance because we have chickens,
and the chickens run free. So I instantly knew what
was happening. As Amber was yelling, the battery had gone
(01:06):
out on Luna's collar and she was on a rampage
chasing a chicken. So I started sprinting this literally is
like fifteen minutes ago. I started sprinting. The chicken is
fast and Luna is a little bit faster. So between
flying and running with these little chicken legs, Luna is
(01:28):
just low to the ground, just full head of steam.
And every time she gets the chicken, she's ripping feathers.
I mean, she wants to kill ye. And so I
am trying to get to either one. I'm trying to
cut off this chase, and so it's the chicken's running
towards me. I try to cut it off, and the
chicken's going between my legs, and then I'm grabbing Luna,
(01:51):
but I'm missing her because she's so sleek and fast,
and when she gets in the mood like this, she
does not listen to any commands. She hasn't been trained
in that way. She's a bird dog and she hasn't
been trained for that either. It's just instinctive in her.
So this poor little chicken is getting feathers, just ripped off.
And finally I'm able to as the chicken goes under me,
(02:14):
I'm able to grab Luna as she's coming towards me,
and I grab her and a flip her over and
a and a position of dominance, and I pin her
shoulders back to the ground, you know, in a position
of dominance like dogs do to each other. And I'm
pinning her shoulders back to the ground, and I'm like, no,
but I am dying inside because I'm so tired. I
(02:35):
haven't made athletic moves like that in ten years, sprinting
and cutting, and who knows tomorrow what kind of sots
I'm gonna have. So I'm holding her down and Amber
is going to get a new battery for her collar,
and she puts the you know, kind of gets the
chickens out of the way, and she replaces the the
battery and the collar. And then as I'm handing Luna
(02:58):
off to Amber, she's off again. She slips between my
hand and Amber's hand as we're doing the trade off.
And now Luna is heading towards the entire flock of
chickens at the coop and she's just taking out chicken
whatever comes close to her. She's biting and ripping feathers.
Chickens are running everywhere. So here I am sprinting again,
(03:19):
this time on a gravel road, falling all over the
gravel road as my shoes are slipping on the gravel,
landing on my hands, landing on my elbows, just trying
to grab Luna, finally get her again, get her situated
back in the barn with the other dog, and made my.
Speaker 2 (03:38):
Way up here to do this podcast.
Speaker 1 (03:39):
So that is my mentality, that's my mindset going into
this podcast. And I'll try my best to answer these
questions now with my heart rate up and soreness impending
on me tomorrow. I answer your questions. That's the format
of this podcast, and you email me at podcast at
Granger's dot com, podcast at grangersmith dot com. Ask me
(04:04):
anything about life, whatever you want. We'll walk through it.
And I don't have all the right answers.
Speaker 2 (04:09):
I just have.
Speaker 1 (04:11):
A biblical worldview, and I'll treat you as I would
any other friend in the cab of a truck. The
first one comes from Jamie and it says, Hey, Granger,
I loved the episode with you and Marv. It was
really interesting to hear his perspective on things and he
seems like a really great guy. Yes, Marv is a
great guy, she says. My question is a follow up
regarding should the husband and wife both work outside the home.
(04:37):
I agree that a strong home life is quite possibly
the most important thing for a child. That said, I
am a fire That said, I am a firefighter, and
my wife is in school to be a nurse.
Speaker 2 (04:49):
So now I'm seeing Jamie's actually a guy's name.
Speaker 1 (04:52):
I know a lot of other couples in similar situations
who are able to work opposing days and keep a
parent at home at all times. We both feel called
for a number of reasons to serve in this way
using the talents we were given. I'm curious your thoughts
on situations such as this where the wife isn't working
just to pay for a lifestyle, but rather because she
(05:13):
feels called to do so in a specific area. The
dual income is more of a side effect and also
helps pay back the needed student loans. Your podcast has
changed my life completely and I'm forever grateful. I don't
know where I would be if I hadn't listened that
very first time. Thanks and God blessed Jamie. Hey, Jamie,
thank you buddy very much. And I love your question
(05:33):
because you articulated very well the situation, and you kind
of cut me off at probably common questions that you
thought I might ask, For instance, what's the reason both
of you are working, and you're saying it's not financial,
that's a perk, but it's because we both feel called
in the specific area. And you also made it clear
(05:56):
that it's possible and you've seen it work where other
people do opposing work shifts so that there is a
parent at home in all days, all times. And you
also said, which I believe you said, a strong home
life is quite possibly the most important thing for a child.
Speaker 2 (06:14):
I agree, and I.
Speaker 1 (06:15):
Appreciate your vulnerability and vulnerability opening up on something like this,
and I want to walk through it with you because
there's a couple of things that I think we should
discuss in one although Okay, first of all, we're gonna
completely you already did this, but for everyone listening here,
I'm gonna completely throw out the scenario of both parents
(06:37):
absolutely have to work just to get by, just to
put food on the table for the kids. Both parents
have to work, and that's and the dad is is
also working a few jobs. So that is not the
case here. So don't anything I'm about to say, don't say, granger,
(06:58):
what if, what if, because that.
Speaker 2 (07:00):
Is not a what if in this situation.
Speaker 1 (07:02):
Okay, Secondly, there is something biologically, emotionally nurturing, very different
between a father and a mother. God made a father
(07:22):
and the mother to co inhabit a home because of
that was the creation order. That's why he created the
differences between the husband and the differences between the wife.
That translates into being a father and a mother in
different ways.
Speaker 2 (07:41):
And children need both.
Speaker 1 (07:45):
Don't think right now that what I'm saying is it's
not possible to raise kids in a single family household,
single parent household. Don't think I'm saying that it's not
possible to have a good upbringing with only one parent.
What I'm saying, I'm saying ideally, in creation, it was intended. Now,
(08:06):
after the fall, a lot of the intentions are lost
because of sin, but the intended creation was that a
man and a woman would co parent and each having
very important attributes that they pass on to the child
through parenting. And I don't have to get into science
(08:27):
here to let anyone know that it's very evident what
the father brings in different aspects to the table of
parenting and what the mother brings. That being said, standing
on that foundation when the children are young, it is
in many ways more valuable to have the mother raising
(08:51):
the young ones full time. If you were going to
if you're going to pick, if you had two parents
co parenting in a household, you said, okay, with young kids,
which one is better, the father or the mother historically,
and it's I don't have to really twist your arm
on this, and according to creation order anyway, the answer
is to mother. That's why you get the term motherly instinct.
(09:16):
That's that's why people that you know, you know, throw
out terms like mother Earth when they think of nurturing
and balance and and sensitivity and sympathy, they you think
of that is in terms of a mother a hen
a mama hen right. And that's not just humans, it's
(09:37):
you see it throughout most of all of creation, through
all the animal kingdom.
Speaker 2 (09:43):
Right.
Speaker 1 (09:44):
So that's why I would make an argument against saying, well,
we want to do the best we can, so we're
gonna the father is gonna parent when the mother's on shift,
and the mother's gonna parent when the father's on shift.
What I'm trying to say here is not that hey,
don't do that, that's bad. I'm trying to say, that's
(10:06):
not the way it's supposed to be. And when you
go against the way it's supposed to be in our nature.
Then you're gonna fight some battles, and there's gonna be
there's gonna be some casualties in that battle. There's gonna
be some sacrifices you have to make, and you're not
gonna be able to live up to the full potential
(10:27):
of your nature if you fight against it in that way. Right, Listen,
This isn't like a dominance perspective or like a textbook
way to say things without emotion.
Speaker 2 (10:41):
What I mean.
Speaker 1 (10:42):
What I mean is your own conscience can attest to
what I'm saying just by looking around you and how
you interact with the world, how most likely you interacted.
Speaker 2 (10:54):
With your mother and your father.
Speaker 1 (10:57):
It's how I interacted with my mother and father, and
it's also how I interact with my kids. Now, I
don't have the capability. I don't have the capacity to
nurture my kids at the same level in the same
way as Amber does.
Speaker 2 (11:16):
Now.
Speaker 1 (11:17):
Don't get me wrong, I have capabilities of doing things
that Amber cannot. I have the ability to think about
this a lot to I have the ability to enable
long term compassion. She has a better ability to enable
short term compassion. For instance, when Lincoln falls down and
(11:38):
hurts and skins his knee chasing a chicken. Amber has
the capability in a really good way to have instant
compassion on the situation, let's clean this off, let's get
some hydrogen peroxide, and let's get a band aid. That's
not where my mind goes. My mind goes, he's gonna
(12:00):
be fine, Brush it off, get up, You're fine. And
that's not because I don't care about his pain or
his immediate compassion. What I do care about is him
learning in the long run to be able to get
up and go and shake things off, because life is
gonna come at you hard, and so I want him
to be able to have a tolerance for pain so
(12:24):
that he could press forward in this world. And that
is long term compassion, That is caring about his long
term well being, as opposed to Amber, who cares more
and rightly so, for his short term well being, and
she thinks less of get up, shake it off, You're
gonna be fine.
Speaker 2 (12:44):
On the road.
Speaker 1 (12:45):
We both Amber and I both have the capability of
dabbling in that. Of course I care now about his knee,
and of course, and of course she cares about the
long term, get up, shake it off. But I'm saying
I care more about it in that area, and she
cares more about it in that area. Does that make sense?
And that's not something we develop or that's not something
(13:07):
that we've evolved into that we could now de evolve from.
Speaker 2 (13:11):
It's just the way we're created. And so.
Speaker 1 (13:16):
Let me hit something else on this to continue to
answer your question, and the question is to remind everybody,
is it okay for both parents to work outside of
the home with kids at home so that you could
fulfill a calling that you have in a specific area.
(13:38):
And this this instance, service base, calling to help students kids,
or as far as Jamie's concerned, firefighting, So very honorable positions.
I'm you know, That's what I'm trying to say on
both of these instances.
Speaker 2 (13:55):
And so.
Speaker 1 (13:59):
Knowing what you already know that quite possibly the most
important thing for a child is a strong home life.
And I've already established that I believe in the created order,
a strong home life must include, if possible, the mother
staying at home, regardless of a call that the mother
(14:20):
has in a specific area. Now here's the beautiful thing
about this. This is a beautiful thing and I hope
I've laid this all out in a fair way. The
beautiful thing is kids are at home for such a
short time, such a short window, and I'm talking about
(14:41):
infant to toddler to kindergarten. And once the kids the
lowest child hits kindergarten, the youngest child hits kindergarten, the
mother all of a sudden is freed up during the
day and has the ability to start dabbling in the
calling of that specific area you referred to, Jamie. And
then it's just a blink of an eye, a flash.
(15:04):
When the last kid graduates high school. You have the
rest of your life, which is the majority of your life.
The minority of your life is raising kids at home.
That is gone in an instant and the rest of
your life a long time, Lord willing, the kids are gone,
(15:24):
and then you are now free and clear without guilt
to pursue that calling in the specific area, in this case,
to be a teacher. And I think that's a beautiful thing.
And I believe to answer your question, that's the right
thing to do, To deny yourself and be self sacrificing
(15:51):
towards the children. I think that's the right thing to
do as a mother, And for like the tenth time,
I hope I built that scenario in not some kind
of domineering way, but more more towards showing the highlighted
(16:11):
strengths of the mother and the father, and the father
just doesn't have the strength that the talent, that's the
ability to empathize compassionately in a way that is better
than the mother at raising the children. And I'll tell
you this and last thing, certainly better than a daycare
(16:37):
system of any kind. Somebody is going to raise your kids,
regardless whether it's a prison warden, or it's a school teacher,
or it's a football coach, or it's a parent. Somebody
is going to raise those kids. Don't you want it
(16:57):
to be you are? Would you rather someone else raise them?
And you follow the calling you feel is on your
life to be a teacher? The choice is yours. But
I think that's a clear answer. Next question comes from
Nathaniel says, Hey, Grangel, I'm sixteen years old and recently
(17:24):
out of behavioral health residential treatment. I've been out for
three months and I'm already drinking heavy, smoking nicotine, and
watching porn constantly. I want help, but I don't feel
like I could tell my parents because I don't want
to go back to treatment. Yeah, thanks for being honest, Nathaniel.
(17:44):
And I want to tell you first of all that
there is hope. You're never without hope. As long as
you're breathing air on this planet. You have hope and
a savior, and that is Jesus to free you from
the slavery of sin that.
Speaker 2 (18:00):
You're in right now.
Speaker 1 (18:01):
It doesn't release you from being free of sin, but
you're free from being a slave to it where you
can no longer make any other decisions. But it right.
So after I say that, I will say too that
I'm not I'm not totally into behavior health residential treatment centers.
(18:24):
I'm not totally into that, and I do see failures
all the time with that. Probably we're seeing something that
connects to the first question with Nathaniel. If I was
betting on the situation, which I'm not, if I was
(18:47):
going to wager on the situation, I would say something
in that first question I just answered about parenting is
involved in this second question with a failure of it.
Most likely now, of course there's situations where it's not.
But and I think that also comes with the fear
you have of telling your parents for fear that they
(19:08):
will put you back in this treatment instead of taking
it on themselves self sacrificially, if that makes sense, Nathan Nathaniel,
what you're doing here drinking heavy, smoking nicotine, watching porn constantly.
(19:31):
The drinking heavy thing is the only thing that can
turn into alcoholism, which is detrimental. So nicotine could be
quit and porn can be quit. Not to minimize those
two things. They are both chemical addictions in a way,
and we'll talk about that on a an upcoming podcast exclusively,
(19:56):
so stay tuned for that. But you're you're drinking heavy,
smoking nicotine, watching porn, there there is always a common
denominator behind that, if you think about it. So those three,
those three things are very different from each other, but
you can't you can't try to tackle with a treatment
(20:18):
facility each one specifically, Like we're gonna deal with alcohol,
and now we're gonna deal with the nicotine addiction. Now,
now we're gonna deal with the porn. They're so different
it would take different treatment facilities and different different activities
and therapy treatments to handle each one. Unless you realize,
I think there's a common denominator. I think there's a
common cause of this, and the common cause of all
(20:41):
of them is the same common cause I.
Speaker 2 (20:43):
Have, and that's sin.
Speaker 1 (20:46):
All have sin and fall short of the glory of God.
And the only answer to sin is the one who
defeated it, and that is Jesus. The way this is
laid out is through the Bible, the revealed Word telling
us who he is and what he did for sin. Now,
(21:08):
what I would say after at this point is a
good faithful, healthy church is better in this instant than
you going to a residential treatment facility and failing yet again,
going to a church and saying, show me what to do.
(21:28):
I need help. If you went to a good, faithful,
healthy church, you notice I had to articulate that, because
just like hospitals, there's good hospitals and bad hospitals. That
doesn't mean when you see a bad doctor, it doesn't
mean you stop trusting hospitals. It means you go to
a good hospital with good doctors. And if you're doing
(21:51):
that with a good church with good pastors, and you
wholeheartedly come in and go I need help. I'm sixteen,
these are my problems.
Speaker 2 (22:01):
Show me what to do. And then Nathaniel, you do it,
you will be healed.
Speaker 1 (22:08):
That is I don't take that lightly that I just
said it that way, and I will never retract what
I said in that way. If you go to a
Bible believing, good faithful, healthy church with good pastors and
you tell them I have this problem and they give
you solutions that are it's not.
Speaker 2 (22:27):
A one and done, it's a walk. It's a continual walk.
Speaker 1 (22:32):
And you say tell me what to do, They show
you the walk, they say, imitate me, You follow them.
Speaker 2 (22:37):
You do what they say, you will be healed.
Speaker 1 (22:40):
And every month that goes by, every year that goes by,
you'll become better and less reliant.
Speaker 2 (22:46):
On those old things. That's it. I'm sorry, buddy that
you're in this situation to begin with.
Speaker 1 (22:57):
The show is sponsored by Betterhelp. So what's the first
thing you would do if you had an extra hour
in your day?
Speaker 2 (23:04):
Mike?
Speaker 1 (23:04):
Would you go for a run, take a nap, read
a book, show up for a friend. I don't know
your answer, but a lot of us spend our lives
wishing we had more time. No one on their deathbed
looks back and says I had too much time. The
question is time for what if time was unlimited, how
would you use it. The best way to squeeze that
(23:26):
special thing into your schedule is to know what's important
to you and make that a priority. You know, therapy
could help you find what matters to you, so then
you could do more of that. And that's what therapy
did for Amber and I when we went after losing
riv We were able to see what was triggering us,
what was important to us, what was a priority to us,
(23:48):
and then we were able to go back and use
that less of the triggers, more the priorities. This shouldn't
just be for me and Amber. If you are thinking
about starting therapy, give Better Help a try. It's entirely online.
It's designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule.
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(24:09):
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Speaker 2 (24:14):
It's super convenient and no green couches.
Speaker 1 (24:17):
Learn to make time for what makes you happy with
Better Help. Visit Betterhelp dot com slash granger today and
get ten percent off your first month. That's Better Help
h e lp dot com slash granger. If you want
to get a hold of me for any reason. Have
you thought about cameo. Cameo allows you to reach out
to me, send me a message or something you want
(24:40):
me to say, like, Hey, Granger, can you tell my
brother John happy birthday for me? He's a fan, he
listens to the podcast, etc.
Speaker 2 (24:47):
Etc.
Speaker 1 (24:47):
And then I can get my phone out, turn my
camera on and do a selfie where it's like, what's up, John,
I heard from your brother Mark, and I wanted to
say happy birthday, man, thank you for listening to the podcast.
Hope to see one of these days. Maybe whatever you
want me to say. It's super easy, very convenient, and
a great gift for someone that has everything, or a
(25:10):
great last minute gift if you haven't gotten them anything
in the days tomorrow or today. Cameo dot com slash Grangersmith.
That's how you find me, c ame eo dot com
slash Grangersmith. Next question comes from Bastian says, Hey Granger,
my name is Bastian and I love your podcast and
I really appreciate you helping so many people out. I
have been a singer since high school and I've seen country,
(25:33):
but I've always had trouble writing the melody and the
chord progressions.
Speaker 2 (25:38):
I've got a couple.
Speaker 1 (25:39):
I've got a bunch of lyrics, but I don't know
where they go, where to go from here? And I
would really appreciate any advice on how to overcome this issue. Again,
love the podcast, Take care of Bastian. Hey, Bastian, appreciate you, buddy,
Thanks so much for emailing. And your question is you
write lyrics. I'm telling myself this as I reached I
(26:00):
don't read these questions before Handel you've had trouble writing
melody and chord progressions, but you like you're a lyricist. Well,
first of all, some people are just lyricist, and there's
nothing wrong with that. You're a poet, And there are
(26:23):
other people that only write melodies and they're just not
great lyricist. Because you can write a chord progression in
your head, you could sing something, but maybe you're just
not happy with the way it comes out. And there
are people that do really good melodies but not really
happy with the way they do lyrics. So my first
encouragement is to find those people, find your match, find
(26:46):
the person that does melody, and you'll have some great
songs that way, And then secondly, I would I would
encourage you to learn an instrument and learn it. If
you say I do know guitar or piano, I would
say learn it better. The more you know your way
(27:06):
around a piano or a guitar, the more naturally you're
going to feel and hear melodies, and the easier it
is at that point to put your lyrics on top
of it. So either get together with someone that writes
melody and you write lyrics, or start advancing through practice
(27:27):
you playing piano and guitar. Next question comes from anonymous.
It says, mister Smith, my wife and I are in
the middle of a divorce and were not at all together.
Speaker 2 (27:40):
It's been rough.
Speaker 1 (27:42):
I found myself in a very dark place and in
a bad rut. I knew my options were that the
divorce or possibly another attempt at suicide. I'm grateful to
survive one. But while this was all going on and
it seems like all my life is in a dark cloud,
(28:03):
I met a woman who likes me. She didn't know
the story or anything. She just thought I was genuine.
She makes me happy, She treats me like a man
and is super supportive. She has a son just like me,
she's an awesome mom and someone who shares faith in
God like I do. My ex wife didn't at all
believe in any of that. My question is am I
(28:26):
a bad guy for already finding someone? I didn't expect
any of this. It happens so random. Thank you for
your time, Granger. Okay, Anonymous, bad divorce. There is a
kid involved. We learned that from the second paragraph. But
(28:49):
your main question is should I feel guilty for finding
someone so soon after such a bad experience with the
first one. So I would say, first of all, no,
you're not a bad guy for doing that. You're a
bad guy because you're a sinner like me. And that's
(29:12):
the inherent problem that we answered a few questions ago.
So we have to know what the common denominator is
and why we're bad. That's the first thing we need
to know. We're not bad because of an action or
a decision or a bad way before that.
Speaker 2 (29:28):
We have corrupt hearts. That's the problem, and we need
new hearts.
Speaker 1 (29:32):
I don't believe you, Anonymous. I don't believe you that
you are a man of God. And I say that
because you said she's an awesome mom and someone who
shares faith in God like I do. I don't believe
in your faith in God. And the reason I say
it is because because the way you approached suicide with
(29:55):
no trust in any kind of good plan. That's not
a judgment on you, that's simply an acknowledgment that I
don't believe you're there yet. Let me put it that way.
That doesn't mean you're out of the race. I just
don't mean I don't believe you've really opened the door,
the door to think about what faith in God actually means.
(30:18):
I think you just say it because that's what we
say in America. They say, yeah, man, God, first, family,
second job, third. We certainly don't live that way, and
I don't think we really even believe it until our
eyes are opened to it. So that's my first challenge
to you, is what does that mean to have faith
in God and live that out? That's my challenge to you.
(30:45):
But that's not your question. That's a that's just a
something I'm talking about here, something I'm noticing with your email. Yes,
there is a danger. I believe you think there's a danger,
and I'm gonna agree with you.
Speaker 2 (31:04):
Although you didn't say it.
Speaker 1 (31:06):
I think the reason you you emailed me is because
not a lot of time has gone by, and you're
starting to wonder is it too soon? Am I rebounding?
Am I just going to this girl because she's saying
the right things? Am I just going from one problem
into another potential problem. I don't think you would have
emailed me unless you've thought that deep down, because I
(31:28):
think if enough time had gone by and you had
truly healed and you met a wonderful woman.
Speaker 2 (31:36):
Then I think I think you would You wouldn't email me.
You'd be like, this is great.
Speaker 1 (31:39):
No one needs to tell me good or bad. This
is She's great, and I've healed and and I'm gonna
make her happy and I'm gonna serve her, and she's
gonna serve me.
Speaker 2 (31:47):
This is great.
Speaker 1 (31:49):
But that's not the case. I believe you're emailing me
because you haven't healed yet. And since that's the case,
I'm gonna say I think there's a danger here of
you repeating. I think there's a danger with you not
(32:09):
being out of the dark place and bad rut that
you talked about earlier. And there is a way out
of a dark place and a bad rut that I
personally have been in myself, and that's through redemption of
a savior and not through a cute girl that says
some really nice things about me. So yeah, I would
(32:32):
say be careful. Let me go straight to your question.
My question is am I a bad guy for already
finding someone? You're not a bad guy for already finding someone.
You were bad before that same as me. But it
is probably unwise that you're in a relationship this soon,
(32:54):
and so practically speaking, guard your heart, pump the brakes,
don't move in with her, be very careful to not
get her son to attach to you and your son
attached to her. Let some time go by so that
you could have the appropriate time to heal, and then
plant yourself in a good Bible believing church with people
(33:17):
around you, brothers and sisters around you that could lift
you up and encourage you and.
Speaker 2 (33:22):
Attest to you.
Speaker 1 (33:24):
Hey, we love this girl, anonymous, We love this girl
you're with and we think she's great. Or hey, we
think it's a little too soon for you to be
in a relationship, and we would advise you to slow
this down a little bit so that way you don't
have to email this podcast. And that's for any question
(33:46):
anyone has. I would advise if you're in a good
Bible believing church with members of the church that support
and encourage you and love you, then you don't need
this podcast at all. Next question comes from Eli. It says,
Hey Granger, I'm a longtime listener. I love your book
(34:08):
like a river. I'm twenty four from Whitesville, Kentucky. I'm
a volunteer firefighter EMT and a pipefitter. My wife of
three months walked out on me February of twenty twenty four.
Little backstory. We met and started dating back in August
of twenty twenty three, and I got married in November
and had the usual arguments about money, but for the
(34:29):
most part, our relationship was good and full of love.
I'm messaging you because I need some advice because she
is twenty weeks pregnant as of March seventh, and I've
been gone for a month now. I haven't gotten much
of an explanation for her leaving, other than she doesn't
want to be married anymore and she doesn't even want
to talk to me. I prayed about it, and recently
(34:51):
she's back with her ex that she dated before me.
I don't know what to do now and or how
I'm going to be a good father with a child
that's growing up into households.
Speaker 2 (35:00):
I appreciate the advice.
Speaker 1 (35:03):
All right, Eli, let's dive into this. Thanks for emailing
buddy man. That's that's a quick turnaround. You started dating,
you met in August of twenty three, you married in
November of twenty three. What just a few months between
(35:24):
meeting and marriage, and then you divorced in February of
twenty four. I'm not sure, Eli, I'm not sure how
this happened, or why this happened, or where your buddies
are or your family that allowed this to happen. But
(35:49):
back to the question before this, where we need to
be surrounded by solid character people that we can give,
we could ask advice from, They could lift us up,
they can encourage.
Speaker 2 (36:01):
I just said the same thing last question.
Speaker 1 (36:03):
If you don't do this, then I'm speaking to anyone,
not you, Eli, I'm speaking to everyone. If you don't
do this, you have a huge likelihood of being deceived.
If you don't have people around you that are clear thinking,
good character, good integrity. If you're not surrounding yourself by that,
(36:25):
then you have full reign against anyone that might come
and take you off the rails, and you are being deceived.
Speaker 2 (36:33):
That's just it.
Speaker 1 (36:35):
That's definitely what happened here. You were deceived and there
was no one around you. I'm assuming or you just
didn't listen to anybody, but I'm assuming there weren't people
around you that walked you through this and counseled you
against marrying this person within two months of August September, October,
but three months of meeting her and then divorced three
(36:58):
months after that, you met married and divorced in a
six month period. That there's nothing wise about that on
any of those three turns. And now she's pregnant, and
so after all that commentary, the only card you have
(37:19):
left to play in this scenario is to be a
good father to that child. And the only way practically
to be a good father to that child is to
be in a close proximity. By the way, the whole thing, hey,
I don't want to be married anymore, and then she's
back with the ex. That is just that's so normal,
(37:40):
that's so predictable. She didn't just wake up and say
I don't want to be married. She already had her
eye on someone else that was sweet talking her. So
now you've got this baby coming, you got to stay
close to the baby. The only way to be a
good father is to be there for the child, to
be involved, to be active, to live down the road,
(38:01):
to be the one that takes them to school and
volleyball and soccer practice and all the things church. You
gotta do that. So that's the only car do you
have left to play? And let me just say again
like I've probably said the last four questions, and then.
Speaker 2 (38:21):
Join a good, solid, faithful church.
Speaker 1 (38:27):
Next question comes from anonymous again, and this one says,
after my husband went on a men's encounter, he came
back and confessed he had been doing porn and sometimes
he would secretly drink while driving home from work. I
accepted this like a Christian wife should.
Speaker 2 (38:47):
No nagging.
Speaker 1 (38:48):
Now a year later, I've been smelling alcohol on his
breath occasionally.
Speaker 2 (38:52):
What do I do?
Speaker 1 (38:54):
Drinking and driving is not okay? Do I continue praying
or confront He will most likely deny it. He serves
regularly in the church and is respected. That's a key
thing here. He serves regularly in the church and is respected.
Remember that thing I said earlier about doctors. When there's
(39:14):
one bad doctor, it doesn't mean you stop going to hospitals.
You just have to recognize the bad doctor. So here
we go. I've been preaching let's get involved with church,
and here we got a guy that is involved, that
is well respected within the church, and he has a
major problem, most likely hiding alcoholism.
Speaker 2 (39:32):
So let's dive in. Let's dive in.
Speaker 1 (39:34):
The First thing I want to say is I don't
like the sentence I accepted this like a Christian wife
should know nagging.
Speaker 2 (39:41):
I don't.
Speaker 1 (39:42):
I don't like that sentence. I don't like the implications
of it. It sounds weak. It sounds like you're a pushover.
It sounds like you're carrying some title where you're just
you're just supposed to appease the husband, and that's it.
And I don't even like the word accepting. I would
(40:03):
take forgive. I forgave him, right, but but with that,
And it's good that he came to confess this stuff
to you, and it's good that you didn't.
Speaker 2 (40:13):
Just leave him. So I like that, But but what.
Speaker 1 (40:17):
I want is he comes and confesses this and you say,
I forgive.
Speaker 2 (40:22):
You, but let me walk with you. Now.
Speaker 1 (40:27):
Now that you've opened the door up to these secret sins.
Let me walk with you so that we could walk
together in the light, lean on me. That this is
what this is what a good marriage should be. And
I'm not saying you don't have one or that you're
not capable of it. I'm saying, look, this is what
a good marriage should be. Two people that lean on
(40:49):
each other the good and the bad times, completely open.
Speaker 2 (40:53):
And I like that.
Speaker 1 (40:54):
You say I'm not nagging, and that should that should
open up an opportunity for him to say, I'm babe,
I'm having a craving. I'm having a craving to go
and buy some alcohol. And you say, good, Let's thank
you for telling me. Let's work through this together. Let's
let's replace this with something positive. Let's let me help
(41:19):
you walk through this together.
Speaker 2 (41:21):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (41:21):
That's the way that I wanted that scenario to work out.
It didn't, And that's why I say I don't like
the sentence. I accepted this like a Christian wife should
know nagging. That's why I don't like it, because that
that implies you just you agree to brush it under
the rug and forget about it, and you're being good
by just not nagging. And I want you to nag,
(41:42):
not in a bad, naggy way, but I want you
to and I want you to be able to say.
Speaker 2 (41:46):
Are you good? Are you good? Are you good? So
there's a difference in saying I know you're gonna mess
up again.
Speaker 1 (41:53):
Oh I should have known you're gonna mess this all
up for us and our family. There's a difference between that,
and there's a difference in you saying, hey, are you good?
You stayed up late last night, You didn't come to
bed till after I was asleep.
Speaker 2 (42:09):
Are you good?
Speaker 1 (42:11):
I saw your phone was out on the cabinet in
the kitchen and it wasn't plugged in. I'm assuming you're
up late with your phone.
Speaker 2 (42:20):
Are you good? Hey, I noticed the garage went up
last night and you left.
Speaker 1 (42:25):
Are you good? Are you good? Can I help you?
How can I encourage you? That's not nagging, that's persistence.
There's a difference between the two. Right, I know you
left last night. I know you're probably drinking.
Speaker 2 (42:37):
That would be bad. Don't do that. How can I
help you? Are you good? Let me help you? That's good? Okay.
Speaker 1 (42:47):
Now that's the past and now here's the present. You
have been smelling alcohol on his breath, occasionally drinking and
driver is on. Okay, do I continue praying or confront?
But well, first of all, there doesn't have to be
one or the other. Do I continue praying or do
I confront? You don't have to choose. You're always going
(43:10):
to continue praying for your husband. Wives, pray for your
husband's please, Wives, pray for your husbands. Please, don't stop
even when they're doing good. Wives, don't forget to pray
for your husband's. Now.
Speaker 2 (43:24):
Do you confront?
Speaker 1 (43:25):
Absolutely, But there's a way to confront without tearing into him,
without belittling him. Look, babe, you've been You've had a
lot going on at work. I want you to know
I want to continue to be here for you. And
(43:45):
you remember that thing you told me you confessed a
year ago or so. Remember when you said that and
I told you I wanted to be here for you.
Speaker 2 (43:53):
I still do. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1 (43:56):
But I also want to tell you I feel like
I've been smelling alcohol in your breath and I'm not
gonna judge you for that. I'm just gonna say I
want to walk through this with you. Let's bring this
to the light so that nothing worse happens. Okay, So
that's what I want you to do. That's the confrontation I'd.
Speaker 2 (44:16):
Like to see.
Speaker 1 (44:18):
And then something else. And this is the part you
don't want. This is the part you don't want to do.
But I'm gonna tell you.
Speaker 2 (44:22):
You gotta go to the church because if he is.
Speaker 1 (44:30):
Serving the church, they have to know, the hospital has
to know about the sick doctor. You can't continue to
let this go. There are things at stake here that
are very important. So you confront him first, he's in
the family. You tell him this. If he says, yes,
(44:52):
I need help, let's do it. Great, you work through it.
If he denies it, like you said he might. If
he denies it, you say, I'm here for you. I
want to be here for you, and you have to
go to the church. You say, yeah, listen, I want
to speak to the pastor and you And oh, here's
another thing, so that you're so that this doesn't get
(45:14):
bad for you. You should never meet in private with
the pastor. Women don't meet in private with the pastor,
especially telling problems about your husband.
Speaker 2 (45:24):
Don't do that. That's bad.
Speaker 1 (45:26):
So you want to have a counsel. The wife comes
in with a council of pastors, and maybe even that
the pastor's wives are there too, so that so that
this doesn't turn into something worse for you, Right, that's
a protection mechanism. And you say, I love my husband,
I love this church. I fear that he's drinking again,
(45:51):
and I don't think it's good to have a man
that's drinking in private, possibly dealing with alcoholism, possible dealing
with porn, most likely drinking and driving, serving the church
and being respected. Something has to give before something worse happens.
And on that path, Anonymous, something worse will happen unless
(46:18):
you do this right now, you guys, we walked through
some tough things on this podcast, and I want you
to know, as I say a lot that by no
means am I sitting here in this chair, this blue chair,
with a microphone saying I'm right about this, I am
(46:40):
right about this, do this.
Speaker 2 (46:41):
I'm right.
Speaker 1 (46:42):
That's not what I'm saying. The whole format of this
podcast is if we were friends, this is what I
would tell you if you came to me with the
different issues that we got on this podcast today.
Speaker 2 (46:55):
This is what I would tell you. This is this
is how I would lead you, and.
Speaker 1 (47:01):
They're usually more complicated because I don't know your reaction
to it, and I don't know the rest of the story.
So in a real life scenario, not that these aren't,
but if I was really dealing with you, I would
know more about it and we would wrestle through this
together with a Bible with scripture right in front of us.
But we don't, and so I just I'm making quick
comments on very difficult questions. And that's why I say
(47:24):
I don't want to stand here and say I'm right
about all of these. I want to say with humility.
We have to trust in the Lord. We have to
give our hearts to the Lord. We have to run
to our Savior. We have to realize we are sinners,
all have fallen short, and we will not ever be
able to bring glory to God. Our gain favor with
(47:46):
God apart from the finished work of Jesus and what
he did on the cross as a substitute for us,
taking on the punishment that we deserved, so that he
who knew no sin could become sin, so we could
become the righteousness of God.
Speaker 2 (48:06):
We'll see you all next Monday.
Speaker 1 (48:08):
Thanks for joining me on the Grangersmith podcast. I appreciate
all of you guys. You could help me out by
rating this podcast on iTunes. If you're on YouTube, subscribe
to this channel. Hit that little like button and notification
spell so that you never miss anytime I upload a video.
YII
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