November 20, 2024 • 38 mins
We kicked off the program with four news stories and different guests on the stories we think you need to know about!
8:05PM: Dr. Mark Longsjo – Licensed social worker & Program Director at McLean Hospital - 64% of individuals living with a mental illness felt that their conditions worsened around the holidays.
8:15PM: Zoya Sattar - USDA Food Safety Specialist - Tools to reduce risk of listeria and foodborne illness during the holidays: How to properly dethaw a turkey, storing leftovers safely & preventing cross contamination.
8:30PM: Joshua Coleman - PhD, is a clinical psychologist in the Bay Area and senior fellow with the Council on Contemporary Families - How soulmate parenting can lead to parent-child estrangement. What is soulmate parenting? Other types of parenting styles to know about.
8:45PM: Julie Bauke - President & Chief Career Strategist, The Bauke Group - Gen Z ditches resumes for TikTok videos to land jobs!
8:05PM: Dr. Mark Longsjo – Licensed social worker & Program Director at McLean Hospital - 64% of individuals living with a mental illness felt that their conditions worsened around the holidays.
8:15PM: Zoya Sattar - USDA Food Safety Specialist - Tools to reduce risk of listeria and foodborne illness during the holidays: How to properly dethaw a turkey, storing leftovers safely & preventing cross contamination.
8:30PM: Joshua Coleman - PhD, is a clinical psychologist in the Bay Area and senior fellow with the Council on Contemporary Families - How soulmate parenting can lead to parent-child estrangement. What is soulmate parenting? Other types of parenting styles to know about.
8:45PM: Julie Bauke - President & Chief Career Strategist, The Bauke Group - Gen Z ditches resumes for TikTok videos to land jobs!
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
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Speaker 8 (02:32):
It's Nightside with Dan Ray on WBS, Boston's news radio.
Speaker 9 (02:39):
Thanks very much, Nicole. As always, yeah, quiet sports night.
The brewers need a little time to recoup here. My
name is Dan Ray. I don't need any time to recoup.
It's only been twenty hours since we were last together
just before midnight last night, and here we are for
a Wednesday night vision of Nightside. We have four great guests,
interesting topics coming up in the eight o'clock hour. Before
we get to them, let me tell you Rob Brook
(03:00):
is back in the control room, and my name is
Dan Ray. The aforementioned Dan Ray of Knightside with Dan
Ray very appropriate. I guess we are in our eighteenth
year here on wb Z, which is a proud iHeart
radio station, a legendary radio station on the year since
nineteen twenty one, not twenty twenty one, nineteen twenty one.
(03:23):
And by the way, we will do our eighteenth annual
college admissions panel. We've done that now this will be
our eighteenth consecutive year with Bill Fitzsimmons, the legendary admissions
director from Harvard University. In Grant Goslin, a Boston College
Dean of Admissions admissions director. The titles change a little bit.
But if you have anyone who was beginning to think
(03:45):
about going to college, Okay, I'm talking kids freshman, sophomore,
they should be listening and their parents should be listening
to But they'll get all sorts of tips on how
to get into the school that you would prefer, what
different type schools are out there, what schools are looking
for know so how to finance that education. So that
will be on Monday night, December ninth. That's not the
(04:07):
first Monday after thanks after Thanksgiving, but the second Monday.
Now we are going to go to our first hour tonight,
which is the night Side News Update, and joining us
to talk about people who are dealing with either mental
illness or get depressed around the holidays. Most people enjoy
(04:30):
the holidays and they look forward to the holidays, but
not everyone. So with us is doctor Mark Longs Joe.
He is a licensed social worker program director at McLain Hospital.
Dr Longs Joe, Welcome to Nightside. How are you tonight? Sir?
Speaker 10 (04:43):
Hello Dan Ray. Nice to talk with you, and please
just refer to me as Mark, no doctor with my name.
I'm a social worker and proud of it.
Speaker 9 (04:51):
Okay. Well, when it says doctor on the on the
piece of paper that I have, I always But that's fine.
We'll leave it at Mark as well. You call me Dan, Okay,
tell us what's going on here, because I know that
over the course of my lifetime, particularly when I was single,
(05:11):
you have a breakup with a girlfriend or something like
that and be a lonely Christmas time. But there are
people who every year, as they go through life, have
a tougher time dealing with the holidays. And I read
that article that you folks had produced from McLean's and
found out that It was not only sixty four percent
(05:34):
of individuals according to the National Alliance of Mendale Illness
living with mental Illness that believe that their conditions worse
than around the holidays, but thirty eight percent of the
entire population. I had no idea that many people were
having that sort of reaction as the year was ending
and the bells were ringing and people were singing and
(05:57):
all that. It's counter into tell us, why.
Speaker 10 (06:02):
Oh, that's right, Dan, that's right. It is counterintuitive. You
like to think of this as the veriest time of year,
but when really it's filled with some of the most pressure.
You know, if you really think about what we have
to deal with during this time of year, there's so
many expectations. Everybody wants the perfect holiday season, and we're
reminded of all of the expectations as we as we
(06:24):
go through life and think about, well, this is going
to be the best holiday ever. But we know that
the expectations have to be set in reality, and oftentimes,
especially like at this particular time, just a week before Thanksgiving,
it's a really important time to think about how to
plan ahead for what really is a very pressure filled season.
(06:45):
As happy as it is, there are a lot of
different pressures, whether it be you know, go ahead, Dan,
but you know.
Speaker 9 (06:54):
I can identify with what you're saying. There's pressures depending
upon who you need to consider buying gifts for. And
you know, if you purchase a gift for if you're
a single and you purchase a gift for someone that's
over the top, does that send them? You know, you've
got to find the gift that fits the moment in time.
(07:18):
How many gifts do you get for your kids when
you have kids? What do you do about gifts for grandchildren,
which we're beginning to think about or are thought about
now for a couple of years. Some parents will say, well, no, no, no,
one gift is so you have all of that, and
people who who don't have that family that surrounds them
(07:40):
and that has to be difficult as well. I mean,
this is much more complicated that I think I anticipated
when I was discussing this with my producer today, and
obviously you've studied it for a long time. What can
people do if they're feeling down? I mean, do they
just accept it and say, hey, that's the circumstances that
I'm in and next year it might be better. Or
(08:00):
did they just say, hey, here's what I can do.
I can I can watch the Three Stooges marathon all
day or something, or bad Santo kind of a cultural.
Speaker 10 (08:20):
Well, you're right, you're right, and there are so many
people who are are stuck in loneliness and it's a
very sad situation. And what we encourage people to do
is really take an inventory of what are the activities
that make them happy. And sometimes it's hard to find
one or two. But if we can, if we can
(08:43):
find one or two activities and really surround ourselves with people,
places and things that just make us feel a little
bit better, that's one place to start. And you know,
it is a really difficult season because you look around
and sometimes when somebody's lonely and they look around and
they see all these other people happy, it makes them
feel like they're an outcast, that they're that this is
(09:03):
not normal. Well, I'm here tonight to also talk about
how it is normal to feel like that. It is
difficult to sometimes get into that holiday spirit, and so
I try to encourage people to really check themselves, take
an inventory of what is it about the holiday season,
What is it about the holiday season that makes you
(09:25):
happy and really try to drill down and figure out
specific things. Is it putting up the decorations, is it
driving around and looking at lights? Is it singing in
the choir? But I think we also have to do
the exact other task, and that is taking an inventory
of what are the things that are really triggering? What
are some of the things that really make it difficult
(09:45):
to get through this season? And you know, you can
go down that list too, of feeling lonely, feeling isolated,
missing a loved one, grieving the loss of somebody that
that that that has passed away, and then of course
you know the idea of wow, other years, I've really
spent too much, I've really eaten too much, and oftentimes
(10:07):
I've really drank too much. And so now's the time,
just before Thanksgiving, we're about to enter this season. There's
a lot of planful things that you can do to
really make sure that you identify how can I make
this a happier time for me?
Speaker 9 (10:24):
Well, just such great advice, really, Mark, I hope people
hear this, and I hope if they have someone who
may find themselves in a difficult spot at particularly during
the upcoming few weeks, of the year. They can listen
to this interview at nightside and demand tomorrow it'll be
posted at the top of the eight o'clock hour. And
(10:47):
I was joking with you, and so I want to
end on an upbeat note. And one of the movies
that they that some friends of mine, including my son,
insists as a Christmas tradition is watching Bad Santa with
Billy Bob Thornton. If you have seen the movie.
Speaker 3 (11:04):
Have you seen that movie?
Speaker 10 (11:07):
Yes, it's a good one.
Speaker 9 (11:09):
Yeah, I mean it's it's a classic movie in many respects,
not what we call it traditionally classic movie. But anyway,
I wanted to end on an upbeat note. And Mark,
I really enjoyed the conversation and I'd love to have
you back at some point.
Speaker 10 (11:26):
Okay, oh good, Thank you so much.
Speaker 3 (11:28):
Dan.
Speaker 10 (11:28):
I really appreciate it. Good to talk with you. And
it seemed a little bit strange to say, but let's
enjoy a rainy day tomorrow.
Speaker 9 (11:35):
Finally, Well, you know that's exactly it. I'm going to
get up and I get to go tomorrow to the dentist.
So it's gone. I hate going to the dentist, you know,
it's just terrified. My hope is so it'll be. It
will set the mood as with the windshier wipers. Joy,
(11:57):
you can probably explain that to me what my issues
are here, but we'll let we'll let go.
Speaker 10 (12:04):
Hey, it's on your shopping list of self care, right,
your shopping list of self care.
Speaker 9 (12:10):
Absolutely. Mark, thanks again and love to have you back anytime.
You were really a great guest. You dealt with a
tough issue and you did it well. Mark launch License,
SOS work and program director at McLain Hospital. Thanks Mark,
We'll talk again. Okay, happy thanksgivings by the way.
Speaker 10 (12:29):
Okay, thank you and to you, thank you.
Speaker 9 (12:32):
All right, coming up another part of the holiday season
that can be kind of a downer, as things like
listeria and food born illness. We're going to talk with
an expert, a us DA food safety specialist when we
come back, Sooya Satar, about how to avoid it's good.
(12:53):
It's a good plan to avoid listeria and food born illness.
This is not something that you want to have a
tradition in your holidays. We'll get back to you right
here on Night Side after this very quick break.
Speaker 8 (13:06):
Now back to Dan Ray live from the Window World
night Side studios. I'm WBZ News Radio.
Speaker 9 (13:13):
As we approach Thanksgiving and of course later on honekh
and Christmas, the holiday season into the New Year's lots
of food, lots of activities, but one thing you have
to be worried about is the risk of listeria and
food born illness during the holidays. With US is the
USDA US Department of Agriculture food Safety specialist Soya Satar Soya,
(13:38):
I've never had listeria. I'm not exactly sure what it is,
but it doesn't sound good. How do we prevent the
risk of listeria and food born illness, particularly at this
very special time of year.
Speaker 11 (13:52):
Hello, Dan, it's a pleasure to be on your show today.
Speaker 3 (13:55):
So I just want I should have.
Speaker 9 (13:57):
I should have said hello, but I wanted to get
to the issue. So thank you, thank you great, Thanks
you so much. And so yeah, you know what I'm
trying to understand here is what's the problem and how
do we prevent falling into this problem?
Speaker 11 (14:13):
Right, So, when it comes to food bar and ONNUS
we have a few key tips that we offer here
at the USDA, especially with a busy holiday season like Thanksgiving.
So one of those is washing your hands and avoiding
cross contamination. So you want to make sure that you're
cleaning your hands any services utensils that come into contact
with rommy impultry products, both before and after you're cooking
with soap and water. You also want to make sure
(14:34):
that you're keeping your lommy impultry products separate from any
other items like vegetables. So when you're cooking, so you
want to make sure that you're using different cutting boards,
different knives, and such, just to provence that cross contamination.
Another really big tips that we give is when you
are serving your foods to your guests or Thanksgiving, you
want to make sure you're not leaving it outside for
(14:55):
too long. So you want to make sure your food
is not at room temperature, so that would be forty
degrees fahrenheite and one hundred degrees fahrenheit for more than
two hours. Because when your food is in the at
the temperature for more than two hours, you run the
risk of getting food born illness. So what you want
to do is keep your hot foods hot. So that
can include a shaping dish, a warmer and such that
(15:17):
keeps the food temperature out above one hundred and forty
degrees fahrenheit or cold fruit cold. That would be putting
items like your dips in a bowl on ice in
order to keep them below forty degree fahrenheit, so that
way you can keep your food out longer and enjoy
it with no worries.
Speaker 9 (15:31):
Boy, I'll say you, that's a lot to digest. Pardon
the pun, but it's really good advice. And one of
the things that I'm I guess I'm probably a little,
I don't know, a little overly cautious. I love to
rinse things with hot water, put them in the dishwasher
and clean them up and not leave stuff around. Because
(15:57):
the worst to talk about, you know, you have nice
to get together with friends and you find out that
someone that the next day or maybe even yourself, ended
up getting sick because some mistake was made. The point
that you made about keeping the meats, whether it's turkey
or ham, different cutting boards, different utensils to use, and
(16:20):
to wash them frequently. I suspect that that is probably
the best, best subject, best suggestion, and it shouldn't be
more of a suggestion. It should be a mandate that
people should follow.
Speaker 11 (16:36):
Right, So we definitely recommend, you know, using those separate utensils. Well,
like you said, the cleaning is also really big aspect.
So what we recommend is for a few clean any
surfaces that were used with in the cooking period with
soap and water and then apply a sanitizer. So an
easy homie version is to use a solution of one
tablespoon of liquid chlorine bleach per gallon of water, or
(16:57):
you could use the commercial sanitizer or sanitizing wipe, just
so you can have a peace of mind that everything
really is clean.
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Speaker 9 (20:36):
Yeah, I how how long have we known all about these?
You know, it's great now that there's food experts like
you who'll come and do a radio show and remind
people of this. But what were people doing one hundred
years ago, you know, or or even more one hundred
and fifty years ago. They were celebrating Thanksgiving, They were
(20:58):
celebrating the holiday. Did they have better discipline than we did?
Or were people getting sick back then. I'm just trying
to understand how this has evolved. I mean, everybody now
should know a lot of the things that you said
they should they should take really seriously if they want
to make sure that their guests have a pleasant time
(21:19):
or they have a pleasant time when they go out somewhere.
But when did this focus and this concern about listeria
and food borne illnesses? How did that bubble up to
the surface or just was it always there?
Speaker 11 (21:37):
I'd say it's definitely a huge priority, of course for
our agency. While I don't know exactly what people may
have been doing one hundred years ago, the reason we
do our work today is because it is a bigger
issue than people might think. So the CDC estimates that
around forty million people do get sick from food porn
illnesses every year, and around one hundred and twenty eight
thousand of those people end up in the hospital, and
(21:58):
around three thousand of those may result in depth annually
from food borne illness. So it is a really large
issue and that's why we, you know, do the work
that we do, speaking with people like yourself to try
and get our message out there of just keeping your
food safe, keeping yourself safe, your community safe. And also
we have a great resource through our Meat Impultry hotline.
So this is a hotline that's staffed by food safety
(22:20):
experts who are able to answer any questions that public
may have about food safety around meat impoultry products. So
you're able to call them actually at once.
Speaker 9 (22:30):
That what's that? What's that? What's that number? So you.
Speaker 11 (22:35):
Yes, the number is one triple eight six seven four
six eight five four or one triple eight MP hotline,
the food Stafty Specialists. You can speak to them ten
am to six pm Monday through Friday, and they're actually
open on Thanksgiving Day from eight am to two pm Eastern.
Speaker 9 (22:51):
Okay, so again, let's just do that number one more time,
a little more slowly. I was trying to write it down,
and people give people thirty seconds though, so to get
themselves a piece of paper and pen, because this might
be a number that you you want to have available
in the kitchen if there's any questions. It's a it's
one triple eight. And then what's the actual phone number?
Speaker 11 (23:10):
Of course, one triple eight six seven four six eight
five four. An easy way to remember that is also
one triple eight MP Hotline, MP Hotline.
Speaker 9 (23:21):
Okay, that's that's a great suggestion. One triple eight six
seven four six eight five four. So I thank you
very much. A lot of good information there. You know,
it's funny coming on earlier this week we had that
whole e Coali outbreak from of all things organ organic carrots,
(23:42):
and you know, you you look at stuff in the
store now and it says organic, Casika. Well, that's got
to be safe because it says organic. You just never know,
You just never know. Thank you so much. Hope you
and your family have great holidays starting with Thanksgiving right
through the new year.
Speaker 11 (24:00):
Oh, thank you so much.
Speaker 9 (24:01):
Bye, Okay, thank you very much. Well we get back
when I talk about something called soulmate parenting. I had
never heard of soulmate parenting. But we're going to be
talking with doctor Joshua Coleman. He's a clinical psychologist, a
senior fellow with a Council on Contemporary Families. I learned
a little bit about this in the last hour or
so I s reading some prep notes for the show,
(24:24):
a piece out of the Washington Post soul made parenting.
It might be it may be misnamed, I'll or maybe
not or maybe not. We'll leave you with that tease.
Coming back on night Side right after the News at
the bottom of the hour.
Speaker 8 (24:41):
It's night Side, Boston's news radio.
Speaker 9 (24:49):
All right, welcome back, Thank you very much, Nicole. As
we move ahead, we are talking about a concept of
soul made parenting and we're talking with doctor Joshua Coleman.
Doctor Coleman, Welcome to Nightside, Welcome to Boston. How are you, sir?
Speaker 3 (25:04):
I'm good. Thank you for having me on your show.
Speaker 9 (25:07):
You were more than welcome, that is for sure. When
I read soulmate parenting, that's the first time I've heard
the term. I thought it was parents not giving enough
attention to their children, that maybe the parents were still
considered themselves first soulmates and second parents. But that's not
(25:28):
quite what it is. So why don't you explain what
it actually is that I just thought that the title
kind of led me in a different direction of what
it was. When I finally figured out I was wrong,
go right.
Speaker 3 (25:40):
Ahead, sure, Yeah, well, so, maate, parenting is this new
idea that parents were sort of supposed to be everything
for their children. They're supposed to be therapists, they're supposed
to be learning disability specials. They're supposed to be coaches,
they're supposed to be best friends and and die psychological diagnosticians.
(26:02):
And if they're not, then their kids later in life
can go well, I had a learning disability and you
didn't see it, or I had add and you didn't
see it. Or I was depressed when I was younger
and you didn't see it. Therefore I don't have a
relationship with you. So it's this idea now that parents
have to basically do everything in order to earn an
(26:23):
ongoing relationship with their children when their children become adults.
And I think it's a very problematic concept.
Speaker 9 (26:29):
Okay, how does soul made parenting as you, as you
act very clearly and distinct distinctively, describe that, How does
that differ from another concept that I had heard about
called helicopter parenting?
Speaker 3 (26:45):
Right? Well, so all made parenting is not only helicopter parenting,
but it's the idea that you're supposed to know all
these things about your child that you couldn't necessarily know.
Like helicopter parenting is kind of giving your child, you know,
the best life that you can give them in terms
of tutoring and the like. But soulmate parenting is that
(27:06):
your source is supposed to be their best friend. You're
supposed to be psychological, you're supposed to have a bunch
of other aspects to who you are as a parent
person and as a parent in order to earn a
continued place in your child's life. And that's so.
Speaker 9 (27:23):
To keep it simple, soul made parenting is sort of
helicopter parenting on steroids.
Speaker 3 (27:32):
Right, yeah, exactly right.
Speaker 9 (27:34):
Okay, So how do parents when they're in it, they
can look back twenty years later or thirty years later
when the kid says something to them, like is in
the article that out of the Washington Post that we
looked at. You never noticed this or you didn't see
that you will, And by the way, it was your column.
(27:55):
It was your column which appeared earlier this month in
the Washington Post. And you started off by saying that
this is not autobiographical, but you it's someone who said
that this son sent them a no contact letter saying
that he realized in therapy that he'd been depressed in
his childhood and was angry at the parent for not
(28:17):
recognizing it. How many people have fallen into this, this
this circumstance or this situation. That's got to be a
tough tough letter for a no contact letter from the
kid because you paid too much attention to the kid.
I guess is what this the bottom line is here?
Speaker 3 (28:41):
Well there they're not saying that you paid pretty much
attention like this child.
Speaker 2 (28:44):
That.
Speaker 3 (28:45):
And I see these letters every day becaus I specialize
in printal estrangement parents whose adult children have cut them off,
and I every day see letters like this from adult children.
Well you didn't see that I was depressed, You didn't
get me the right kind of help for my agies,
or you didn't do recognize other parts of me. And
if you had, I'd be a very different person today.
(29:07):
And I just think it's a guilt trip.
Speaker 9 (29:09):
What a huge guilt trip. Well no, I'm serious, what
a guilt trip. No, you would think you would think
that any rational person, and I want to defend the
parent here just in theory, right, and I'd let to
get your reaction. You would think that any rational person,
even if they felt that way, would not put the
burden on the parent, but would say, look, maybe the
(29:32):
school system failed him. Maybe that this should have been
a teacher who should have said, gee, he doesn't seem
to be able to pay attention in class. Does he
have ADHD? Maybe there's a school counselor this is like
throwing it all on the parent. And I talk about
this is a guilt trip on steroids.
Speaker 3 (29:53):
Well it's a guilt trip. But yeah, you're absolutely right.
And it's also to your point, kind of making the
parent responsible for all kinds of things that they're not
necessarily responsible for. I mean, you can come into adults
and with significant depression or anxiety, or lack of confidence
or problems with relationships and still come from a really good, loving,
(30:15):
decent home. Either you could have problems because of genetics
or the era that you're growing up in, which is
by to be particularly challenging, like right now, for gen
z those born between nineteen nine, I forget the age, but.
Speaker 9 (30:29):
Nineteen ninety six in twenty twelve, I'm not a Genzer,
as you probably can tell, right right, and they have
a little to make sure I know what they have.
I'm a baby boomer, okay, so.
Speaker 3 (30:42):
Yeah, me too, so right, So that groups they're especially
vulnerable to depression and anxiety, and it's not because their
parents have all failed them. It's because they're growing up
with cell phones, and they're constantly having to compare themselves
to other kids who supposedly are doing better. But we've
developed as very therapeutical. I'm a psychologist, but we're sort
of making young people feel like, well, if you have problems,
(31:05):
then you just need to look back on the ways
that you were traumatized, you know, in childhood. And yeah,
a lot of people are traumatized. A lot of people,
you know, really have a right to be upset that
their parents didn't treat them well. But a lot of
parents today, perfectly good, normal, loving parents are getting cut
off by their adult children for reasons that any other
generation would have considered absurd.
Speaker 9 (31:27):
Well, you know what's funny. I think you and I
probably are from the same school and probably had similar experiences.
But when I read a story about some gen zs,
and I'm not anti gen Z, but when I read
some story about gen zs being upset because in a
freshman class of college, there was some professor who talked
(31:49):
about a subject that made them feel uncomfortable, and they
want some sort of a safe space, a safe room,
maybe a comfortable the comfort pet. And I'm thinking to myself,
how do these eighteen year olds old to olders young
people today? How did they come here with the eighteen
(32:10):
year old kids in nineteen forty four who hit the
beaches at Normandy. Well, I wasn't born despite, I wasn't
born in nineteen forty four. Okay, so let me make
that very clear. But what the hell I mean? You
talk about a tough problem, and so you've got some
professor who's giving you a B minus because right, well,
(32:32):
how do we get that generation out?
Speaker 3 (32:36):
Right? Well, a lot of younger adults are coming into
therapy and they're saying, well, you emotionally abused me for
things that in the parents generation certainly would would have
been considered abusive in any way. And the parents want
to say, and they offer, doday, you know abuse, what
I gave you a childhood I would have killed for.
If you want to see an abusive childhood, you should
have seen what I grew up in. And which, of course,
(32:58):
is the best way to start a conversation. No, we're
happy to become way way to protective of our children.
We've become way too worried about the world being dangerous.
So younger generations just haven't been exposed to the kind
of things that older generations have, so the world just
does feel more dangerous and threatening to them.
Speaker 9 (33:17):
Hey, I remember when I was a twelve year old kid,
ten year old kid. Uh, we had we literally had
drills at our small little uh in Boston. Get under
your desk, you were under attack. Yeah, that's kind of traumatizing.
Second roll, right, yeah, right, yeah, just unbelievable. Look, I
(33:41):
really enjoyed this conversation. It probably seemed a little irreverent
to you, but I'm kind.
Speaker 3 (33:47):
Of a now a guy. Yeah. No, I think this
topic deserves a certain degree of irreverence. So I'm with
you on Matt.
Speaker 9 (33:54):
Yeah, and you sound to me like the sort of psychologist,
a psychiatrist that can actually help people, because people, at
different times during your life, everyone needs help. But for
all the gender girls who are thinking about how tough
it is out there in the world when you didn't
get that date on Saturday night or your date didn't
(34:16):
show up, just think about Normandy and Utah Beach and
Sword Beach and June sixth, nineteen forty four. If you
want to talk about kind of being in a tough
sort of situation where you really did need a safe
place or safe room, right, I y. I enjoyed our
conversation very much. Is there any sort of a book?
(34:39):
Sometimes many of my guests have written a book and
they like to refer to an other clinical psychologist and
a senior fellow with the Council and contemporary families and
your articles in the Washington Post how soulmate parenting hurts
parent child relationships tell us about Is there somewhere that
people can will get more information?
Speaker 3 (35:00):
Sure that? Yeah. My newest book is called Rules of Estrangement,
Why adult Children cut ties and how to heal the conflict.
And they can learn more about me and my services
at my website TRIPLEW dot doctor Joshua Coleman dot com.
And I'm all over the internet, so I'm really easy
to find.
Speaker 9 (35:18):
Doctor Joshua Coleman dot dot com. Okay, great, Doctor Coleman.
Really really enjoyed it and hope to have you. Have
to have you on again. And I actually wrote one
piece for the Washington Post many many years ago on
the a tribute to Tippleneil when he retired as speaker.
The Post actually allowed to cover him for many years
(35:38):
as a political reporter here in Boston, and they wanted
a sort of a piece from a Boston perspective in
nineteen eighty six. So I had one piece in the
Washington Post that was it.
Speaker 3 (35:49):
Well, that's that's impressive. And those were the days when
the government sort of worked, as you know, the Republicans
and Democrats actually kind of collaborated together.
Speaker 9 (35:58):
So and that was kind of a bet a better
time in many respects. Doctor Joshua loved the interview. Love
you you you. I think you're a philosophical soul made here. Man.
We'll talk soon.
Speaker 3 (36:13):
Thanks for having me on. I appreciate it.
Speaker 9 (36:15):
You're more than welcome.
Speaker 4 (36:16):
Thank you.
Speaker 9 (36:16):
We get back when we talk about gen Z and
they now are going for TikTok videos as opposed to resumes.
My instinct on that is basically good luck with that. Kids.
We'll be back with Julie Balki, President and chief career
Strategist at the Buki Group. We'll talk about this back
on Nightside.
Speaker 8 (36:38):
Now back to Dan ray Mine from the Window World
night Side Studios on w b Z News Radio.
Speaker 9 (36:46):
I want to welcome back Julie Balki. Julie is the
president and chief career strategist at the Balkie Group Career
Coaching firm. Julie, welcome back to Nightside.
Speaker 16 (36:55):
How are you hey, Thanks, thanks for having me.
Speaker 9 (36:58):
Great to have you back and talking again about gen Z.
I just ended up talking with a clinical psychologist, doctor
Joshua Coleman, last hour about what they call soulmate parenting,
where a lot of young people, I guess gen z
Is are are blaming their parents because their parents weren't
(37:20):
you know, had a relationship which was very supportive, but
they didn't diagnose problems. And the doctor who we just
have was a little skeptical of, you know, finger pointing
by members of Generation gen Z, but they But the
area that we're going to talk about is that when
(37:42):
you and I were young, back in the well, at
least when I was young in the last century, uh,
you polished your resume and maybe you even sent a
cover letter with the resume resume when you were applying
for a job or inquiring if there were jobs available.
But gen Z now has decided they're go and tick
talk maybe all the way, TikTok videos and forget this
(38:04):
resume stuff. It's a much much too old school. What's
going on?
Speaker 16 (38:10):
Well, yeah, and not only did we polish up our resumes,
do you remember going to the store and buying high
quality paper and envelopes that match so you could then
put them in the mailbox. Yeah, it has changed. And
I've been in this world of like career coaching since
you know, the very late nineties, and so I have
(38:33):
seen I remember that time and then still doing it now,
and it's literally in some ways a one eighty. In
some ways it isn't. The essence of it is still
the same. If you are looking for a role, you
want people, you want the decision makers to understand who
(38:55):
you are, and limiting that to a two page resume
is always hard. It's hard, but it's always the way
it was done. So now we have social media, we
have ai is writing our resumes for us, and so
we have all these things that in some ways make
(39:15):
it harder for people to get to know us, in
some ways make it easier. So let's go through an example.
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Speaker 17 (41:53):
I bet you're smart Yeah, and you like to hold
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Speaker 13 (41:58):
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Speaker 16 (42:52):
Today, you're applying for a job, an employer is interested
in you. Smart employers are going well beyond typical reference checking,
just calling the people whose names should give them and
they're googling you. They're seeing what is your social media presence?
How do you show up in the world? And you
(43:14):
and I are listening to that, going, oh heavens, I'm
so glad that wasn't a thing, right, I mean, I
I'd hate that. I'm like, twenty something fought.
Speaker 9 (43:23):
Dodge that bull dodge that we.
Speaker 16 (43:26):
Did, We certainly did so. So they're like, okay, so
who is this person? You know, what is their social
media presence? So and when you're applying for a job,
you may not even know they do that. All you
know is you never get a callback. So some savvy
gen zers, and this is where you have to start
really thinking about what type of job are you applying
(43:47):
for and what's the best way to show who you are.
So this example, this story was telling the stories about
these gen zers who said, I'm going to hopefully catapult
myself to the top of the pile and do something different.
And you know, even twenty years ago, job seekers did
(44:09):
things to stand out that weren't always appropriate, weren't always appreciated.
So we've got in this case, we've got let's say
you're applying to be an accountant at an insurance company.
I absolutely do not recommend you make a TikTok video.
You know it's not. So you've got to know where
you're applying to.
Speaker 9 (44:28):
You have to know, don't make a TikTok videos given
an accountest room with some sort of a rap song
about adding and subtracting, and it's convincedant you're kind of
numbers guy, I got it, Okay, I got that all right.
Speaker 16 (44:42):
So I looked at a couple of these videos that
these gen zs made applying for a top and they
were very well done. And making a TikTok video is
a lot harder than people think it is, and so
it's a way to show your personality in a way
that it does you stand out. But in both of
these cases, they were applying for jobs in which social
(45:05):
media was a big part of the company's presence, the
big part of the company's marketing.
Speaker 9 (45:10):
It was.
Speaker 16 (45:11):
One was an internship with Barstool Sports, which is Dave Portnoy.
He's everywhere on social media so you have to make
sure that you're matching your approach to applying for a job,
to the to the the culture.
Speaker 9 (45:26):
You saw that TikTok video that you're referring to. I
saw the TikTok videos you're referring referring to, and I
thought to some extent that the young woman was kind
of trying a little too hard.
Speaker 16 (45:37):
If you get my drift, you thought, yes, see interpretation. Yeah,
So it's you know, you have to be careful, is
all I'm saying. You have to think of. So if
the people making the decision are boomers or gen X,
you're not going to get the same reaction is if
(45:57):
they are peers of yours and they're super us with
your creativity. So it's it's a really tricky line to walk.
We haven't completely crossed over yet to the point where
a resume typical resumes are obsolete, but we may someday.
Speaker 9 (46:13):
Yeah, I guess, I mean probably, at some point in
the future, we will be able to time travel and
and basically materialize inside the office of the person who's
interviewing you. Just materialized magically or something. I don't know.
Speaker 16 (46:29):
I do think what I'm still waiting for I'm still
waiting for the flying car from the Jetsons that we
were promised.
Speaker 9 (46:36):
Well, it's on the way, don't worry. Elon's working on that.
Speaker 3 (46:38):
Probably.
Speaker 9 (46:39):
Yeah, I guarantee you. Look. It's always your great guest
and I enjoyed it much. I still think time resume
and a discreete photograph, headshot or whatever you want to
call it is good. And also, you know, being good
in the telephone I think is a really lost skill.
Speaker 16 (46:58):
That the communication skill are drastically missing, and companies are
even saying they're having to retrain their new employees in
basic communication skills.
Speaker 9 (47:08):
You got it, You got it, doctor Julie Bulkie, thank
you so much, as always one of our favorite guests.
How can folks get in touch with you at the Bunkie.
Speaker 16 (47:15):
Group, Well, the Balkiegroup dot com it's b a uk E.
But I'm also on Instagram and TikTok as Julie on
the job.
Speaker 9 (47:23):
And your career coaching firms and that's important. So maybe
people who want.
Speaker 16 (47:28):
To well help you get career happy.
Speaker 9 (47:32):
Oh that's all we're trying. I've been trying that for
a long time.
Speaker 16 (47:36):
Thanks to give up again, No, I.
Speaker 9 (47:39):
Never give up. Never quit, never quit trust me, thanks
very much. We won't quit you either, because we got
the news coming up. And on the other side, we're
going to inform you of the the no school status
in Gloucester, Beverly and Marblehead. I think you probably know
what it's going to be, but we'll let you know
right after the nine. And I want to talk more seriously,
(48:00):
very seriously about the spate of school strikes. I think
it's improper. I think something should be done. And the
Globe editorial page was fabulous today. Mark that down. Might
be one of the few times I'll have a site
the Globe Editorial editorial as being fabulous. Back on nightside,
right after this.
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Speaker 8 (02:32):
It's Nightside with Dan Ray on WBS, Boston's news radio.
Speaker 9 (02:39):
Thanks very much, Nicole. As always, yeah, quiet sports night.
The brewers need a little time to recoup here. My
name is Dan Ray. I don't need any time to recoup.
It's only been twenty hours since we were last together
just before midnight last night, and here we are for
a Wednesday night vision of Nightside. We have four great guests,
interesting topics coming up in the eight o'clock hour. Before
we get to them, let me tell you Rob Brook
(03:00):
is back in the control room, and my name is
Dan Ray. The aforementioned Dan Ray of Knightside with Dan
Ray very appropriate. I guess we are in our eighteenth
year here on wb Z, which is a proud iHeart
radio station, a legendary radio station on the year since
nineteen twenty one, not twenty twenty one, nineteen twenty one.
(03:23):
And by the way, we will do our eighteenth annual
college admissions panel. We've done that now this will be
our eighteenth consecutive year with Bill Fitzsimmons, the legendary admissions
director from Harvard University. In Grant Goslin, a Boston College
Dean of Admissions admissions director. The titles change a little bit.
But if you have anyone who was beginning to think
(03:45):
about going to college, Okay, I'm talking kids freshman, sophomore,
they should be listening and their parents should be listening
to But they'll get all sorts of tips on how
to get into the school that you would prefer, what
different type schools are out there, what schools are looking
for know so how to finance that education. So that
will be on Monday night, December ninth. That's not the
(04:07):
first Monday after thanks after Thanksgiving, but the second Monday.
Now we are going to go to our first hour tonight,
which is the night Side News Update, and joining us
to talk about people who are dealing with either mental
illness or get depressed around the holidays. Most people enjoy
(04:30):
the holidays and they look forward to the holidays, but
not everyone. So with us is doctor Mark Longs Joe.
He is a licensed social worker program director at McLain Hospital.
Dr Longs Joe, Welcome to Nightside. How are you tonight? Sir?
Speaker 10 (04:43):
Hello Dan Ray. Nice to talk with you, and please
just refer to me as Mark, no doctor with my name.
I'm a social worker and proud of it.
Speaker 9 (04:51):
Okay. Well, when it says doctor on the on the
piece of paper that I have, I always But that's fine.
We'll leave it at Mark as well. You call me Dan, Okay,
tell us what's going on here, because I know that
over the course of my lifetime, particularly when I was single,
(05:11):
you have a breakup with a girlfriend or something like
that and be a lonely Christmas time. But there are
people who every year, as they go through life, have
a tougher time dealing with the holidays. And I read
that article that you folks had produced from McLean's and
found out that It was not only sixty four percent
(05:34):
of individuals according to the National Alliance of Mendale Illness
living with mental Illness that believe that their conditions worse
than around the holidays, but thirty eight percent of the
entire population. I had no idea that many people were
having that sort of reaction as the year was ending
and the bells were ringing and people were singing and
(05:57):
all that. It's counter into tell us, why.
Speaker 10 (06:02):
Oh, that's right, Dan, that's right. It is counterintuitive. You
like to think of this as the veriest time of year,
but when really it's filled with some of the most pressure.
You know, if you really think about what we have
to deal with during this time of year, there's so
many expectations. Everybody wants the perfect holiday season, and we're
reminded of all of the expectations as we as we
(06:24):
go through life and think about, well, this is going
to be the best holiday ever. But we know that
the expectations have to be set in reality, and oftentimes,
especially like at this particular time, just a week before Thanksgiving,
it's a really important time to think about how to
plan ahead for what really is a very pressure filled season.
(06:45):
As happy as it is, there are a lot of
different pressures, whether it be you know, go ahead, Dan,
but you know.
Speaker 9 (06:54):
I can identify with what you're saying. There's pressures depending
upon who you need to consider buying gifts for. And
you know, if you purchase a gift for if you're
a single and you purchase a gift for someone that's
over the top, does that send them? You know, you've
got to find the gift that fits the moment in time.
(07:18):
How many gifts do you get for your kids when
you have kids? What do you do about gifts for grandchildren,
which we're beginning to think about or are thought about
now for a couple of years. Some parents will say, well, no, no, no,
one gift is so you have all of that, and
people who who don't have that family that surrounds them
(07:40):
and that has to be difficult as well. I mean,
this is much more complicated that I think I anticipated
when I was discussing this with my producer today, and
obviously you've studied it for a long time. What can
people do if they're feeling down? I mean, do they
just accept it and say, hey, that's the circumstances that
I'm in and next year it might be better. Or
(08:00):
did they just say, hey, here's what I can do.
I can I can watch the Three Stooges marathon all
day or something, or bad Santo kind of a cultural.
Speaker 10 (08:20):
Well, you're right, you're right, and there are so many
people who are are stuck in loneliness and it's a
very sad situation. And what we encourage people to do
is really take an inventory of what are the activities
that make them happy. And sometimes it's hard to find
one or two. But if we can, if we can
(08:43):
find one or two activities and really surround ourselves with people,
places and things that just make us feel a little
bit better, that's one place to start. And you know,
it is a really difficult season because you look around
and sometimes when somebody's lonely and they look around and
they see all these other people happy, it makes them
feel like they're an outcast, that they're that this is
(09:03):
not normal. Well, I'm here tonight to also talk about
how it is normal to feel like that. It is
difficult to sometimes get into that holiday spirit, and so
I try to encourage people to really check themselves, take
an inventory of what is it about the holiday season,
What is it about the holiday season that makes you
(09:25):
happy and really try to drill down and figure out
specific things. Is it putting up the decorations, is it
driving around and looking at lights? Is it singing in
the choir? But I think we also have to do
the exact other task, and that is taking an inventory
of what are the things that are really triggering? What
are some of the things that really make it difficult
(09:45):
to get through this season? And you know, you can
go down that list too, of feeling lonely, feeling isolated,
missing a loved one, grieving the loss of somebody that
that that that has passed away, and then of course
you know the idea of wow, other years, I've really
spent too much, I've really eaten too much, and oftentimes
(10:07):
I've really drank too much. And so now's the time,
just before Thanksgiving, we're about to enter this season. There's
a lot of planful things that you can do to
really make sure that you identify how can I make
this a happier time for me?
Speaker 9 (10:24):
Well, just such great advice, really, Mark, I hope people
hear this, and I hope if they have someone who
may find themselves in a difficult spot at particularly during
the upcoming few weeks, of the year. They can listen
to this interview at nightside and demand tomorrow it'll be
posted at the top of the eight o'clock hour. And
(10:47):
I was joking with you, and so I want to
end on an upbeat note. And one of the movies
that they that some friends of mine, including my son,
insists as a Christmas tradition is watching Bad Santa with
Billy Bob Thornton. If you have seen the movie.
Speaker 3 (11:04):
Have you seen that movie?
Speaker 10 (11:07):
Yes, it's a good one.
Speaker 9 (11:09):
Yeah, I mean it's it's a classic movie in many respects,
not what we call it traditionally classic movie. But anyway,
I wanted to end on an upbeat note. And Mark,
I really enjoyed the conversation and I'd love to have
you back at some point.
Speaker 10 (11:26):
Okay, oh good, Thank you so much.
Speaker 3 (11:28):
Dan.
Speaker 10 (11:28):
I really appreciate it. Good to talk with you. And
it seemed a little bit strange to say, but let's
enjoy a rainy day tomorrow.
Speaker 9 (11:35):
Finally, Well, you know that's exactly it. I'm going to
get up and I get to go tomorrow to the dentist.
So it's gone. I hate going to the dentist, you know,
it's just terrified. My hope is so it'll be. It
will set the mood as with the windshier wipers. Joy,
(11:57):
you can probably explain that to me what my issues
are here, but we'll let we'll let go.
Speaker 10 (12:04):
Hey, it's on your shopping list of self care, right,
your shopping list of self care.
Speaker 9 (12:10):
Absolutely. Mark, thanks again and love to have you back anytime.
You were really a great guest. You dealt with a
tough issue and you did it well. Mark launch License,
SOS work and program director at McLain Hospital. Thanks Mark,
We'll talk again. Okay, happy thanksgivings by the way.
Speaker 10 (12:29):
Okay, thank you and to you, thank you.
Speaker 9 (12:32):
All right, coming up another part of the holiday season
that can be kind of a downer, as things like
listeria and food born illness. We're going to talk with
an expert, a us DA food safety specialist when we
come back, Sooya Satar, about how to avoid it's good.
(12:53):
It's a good plan to avoid listeria and food born illness.
This is not something that you want to have a
tradition in your holidays. We'll get back to you right
here on Night Side after this very quick break.
Speaker 8 (13:06):
Now back to Dan Ray live from the Window World
night Side studios. I'm WBZ News Radio.
Speaker 9 (13:13):
As we approach Thanksgiving and of course later on honekh
and Christmas, the holiday season into the New Year's lots
of food, lots of activities, but one thing you have
to be worried about is the risk of listeria and
food born illness during the holidays. With US is the
USDA US Department of Agriculture food Safety specialist Soya Satar Soya,
(13:38):
I've never had listeria. I'm not exactly sure what it is,
but it doesn't sound good. How do we prevent the
risk of listeria and food born illness, particularly at this
very special time of year.
Speaker 11 (13:52):
Hello, Dan, it's a pleasure to be on your show today.
Speaker 3 (13:55):
So I just want I should have.
Speaker 9 (13:57):
I should have said hello, but I wanted to get
to the issue. So thank you, thank you great, Thanks
you so much. And so yeah, you know what I'm
trying to understand here is what's the problem and how
do we prevent falling into this problem?
Speaker 11 (14:13):
Right, So, when it comes to food bar and ONNUS
we have a few key tips that we offer here
at the USDA, especially with a busy holiday season like Thanksgiving.
So one of those is washing your hands and avoiding
cross contamination. So you want to make sure that you're
cleaning your hands any services utensils that come into contact
with rommy impultry products, both before and after you're cooking
with soap and water. You also want to make sure
(14:34):
that you're keeping your lommy impultry products separate from any
other items like vegetables. So when you're cooking, so you
want to make sure that you're using different cutting boards,
different knives, and such, just to provence that cross contamination.
Another really big tips that we give is when you
are serving your foods to your guests or Thanksgiving, you
want to make sure you're not leaving it outside for
(14:55):
too long. So you want to make sure your food
is not at room temperature, so that would be forty
degrees fahrenheite and one hundred degrees fahrenheit for more than
two hours. Because when your food is in the at
the temperature for more than two hours, you run the
risk of getting food born illness. So what you want
to do is keep your hot foods hot. So that
can include a shaping dish, a warmer and such that
(15:17):
keeps the food temperature out above one hundred and forty
degrees fahrenheit or cold fruit cold. That would be putting
items like your dips in a bowl on ice in
order to keep them below forty degree fahrenheit, so that
way you can keep your food out longer and enjoy
it with no worries.
Speaker 9 (15:31):
Boy, I'll say you, that's a lot to digest. Pardon
the pun, but it's really good advice. And one of
the things that I'm I guess I'm probably a little,
I don't know, a little overly cautious. I love to
rinse things with hot water, put them in the dishwasher
and clean them up and not leave stuff around. Because
(15:57):
the worst to talk about, you know, you have nice
to get together with friends and you find out that
someone that the next day or maybe even yourself, ended
up getting sick because some mistake was made. The point
that you made about keeping the meats, whether it's turkey
or ham, different cutting boards, different utensils to use, and
(16:20):
to wash them frequently. I suspect that that is probably
the best, best subject, best suggestion, and it shouldn't be
more of a suggestion. It should be a mandate that
people should follow.
Speaker 11 (16:36):
Right, So we definitely recommend, you know, using those separate utensils. Well,
like you said, the cleaning is also really big aspect.
So what we recommend is for a few clean any
surfaces that were used with in the cooking period with
soap and water and then apply a sanitizer. So an
easy homie version is to use a solution of one
tablespoon of liquid chlorine bleach per gallon of water, or
(16:57):
you could use the commercial sanitizer or sanitizing wipe, just
so you can have a peace of mind that everything
really is clean.
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Speaker 9 (20:36):
Yeah, I how how long have we known all about these?
You know, it's great now that there's food experts like
you who'll come and do a radio show and remind
people of this. But what were people doing one hundred
years ago, you know, or or even more one hundred
and fifty years ago. They were celebrating Thanksgiving, They were
(20:58):
celebrating the holiday. Did they have better discipline than we did?
Or were people getting sick back then. I'm just trying
to understand how this has evolved. I mean, everybody now
should know a lot of the things that you said
they should they should take really seriously if they want
to make sure that their guests have a pleasant time
(21:19):
or they have a pleasant time when they go out somewhere.
But when did this focus and this concern about listeria
and food borne illnesses? How did that bubble up to
the surface or just was it always there?
Speaker 11 (21:37):
I'd say it's definitely a huge priority, of course for
our agency. While I don't know exactly what people may
have been doing one hundred years ago, the reason we
do our work today is because it is a bigger
issue than people might think. So the CDC estimates that
around forty million people do get sick from food porn
illnesses every year, and around one hundred and twenty eight
thousand of those people end up in the hospital, and
(21:58):
around three thousand of those may result in depth annually
from food borne illness. So it is a really large
issue and that's why we, you know, do the work
that we do, speaking with people like yourself to try
and get our message out there of just keeping your
food safe, keeping yourself safe, your community safe. And also
we have a great resource through our Meat Impultry hotline.
So this is a hotline that's staffed by food safety
(22:20):
experts who are able to answer any questions that public
may have about food safety around meat impoultry products. So
you're able to call them actually at once.
Speaker 9 (22:30):
That what's that? What's that? What's that number? So you.
Speaker 11 (22:35):
Yes, the number is one triple eight six seven four
six eight five four or one triple eight MP hotline,
the food Stafty Specialists. You can speak to them ten
am to six pm Monday through Friday, and they're actually
open on Thanksgiving Day from eight am to two pm Eastern.
Speaker 9 (22:51):
Okay, so again, let's just do that number one more time,
a little more slowly. I was trying to write it down,
and people give people thirty seconds though, so to get
themselves a piece of paper and pen, because this might
be a number that you you want to have available
in the kitchen if there's any questions. It's a it's
one triple eight. And then what's the actual phone number?
Speaker 11 (23:10):
Of course, one triple eight six seven four six eight
five four. An easy way to remember that is also
one triple eight MP Hotline, MP Hotline.
Speaker 9 (23:21):
Okay, that's that's a great suggestion. One triple eight six
seven four six eight five four. So I thank you
very much. A lot of good information there. You know,
it's funny coming on earlier this week we had that
whole e Coali outbreak from of all things organ organic carrots,
(23:42):
and you know, you you look at stuff in the
store now and it says organic, Casika. Well, that's got
to be safe because it says organic. You just never know,
You just never know. Thank you so much. Hope you
and your family have great holidays starting with Thanksgiving right
through the new year.
Speaker 11 (24:00):
Oh, thank you so much.
Speaker 9 (24:01):
Bye, Okay, thank you very much. Well we get back
when I talk about something called soulmate parenting. I had
never heard of soulmate parenting. But we're going to be
talking with doctor Joshua Coleman. He's a clinical psychologist, a
senior fellow with a Council on Contemporary Families. I learned
a little bit about this in the last hour or
so I s reading some prep notes for the show,
(24:24):
a piece out of the Washington Post soul made parenting.
It might be it may be misnamed, I'll or maybe
not or maybe not. We'll leave you with that tease.
Coming back on night Side right after the News at
the bottom of the hour.
Speaker 8 (24:41):
It's night Side, Boston's news radio.
Speaker 9 (24:49):
All right, welcome back, Thank you very much, Nicole. As
we move ahead, we are talking about a concept of
soul made parenting and we're talking with doctor Joshua Coleman.
Doctor Coleman, Welcome to Nightside, Welcome to Boston. How are you, sir?
Speaker 3 (25:04):
I'm good. Thank you for having me on your show.
Speaker 9 (25:07):
You were more than welcome, that is for sure. When
I read soulmate parenting, that's the first time I've heard
the term. I thought it was parents not giving enough
attention to their children, that maybe the parents were still
considered themselves first soulmates and second parents. But that's not
(25:28):
quite what it is. So why don't you explain what
it actually is that I just thought that the title
kind of led me in a different direction of what
it was. When I finally figured out I was wrong,
go right.
Speaker 3 (25:40):
Ahead, sure, Yeah, well, so, maate, parenting is this new
idea that parents were sort of supposed to be everything
for their children. They're supposed to be therapists, they're supposed
to be learning disability specials. They're supposed to be coaches,
they're supposed to be best friends and and die psychological diagnosticians.
(26:02):
And if they're not, then their kids later in life
can go well, I had a learning disability and you
didn't see it, or I had add and you didn't
see it. Or I was depressed when I was younger
and you didn't see it. Therefore I don't have a
relationship with you. So it's this idea now that parents
have to basically do everything in order to earn an
(26:23):
ongoing relationship with their children when their children become adults.
And I think it's a very problematic concept.
Speaker 9 (26:29):
Okay, how does soul made parenting as you, as you
act very clearly and distinct distinctively, describe that, How does
that differ from another concept that I had heard about
called helicopter parenting?
Speaker 3 (26:45):
Right? Well, so all made parenting is not only helicopter parenting,
but it's the idea that you're supposed to know all
these things about your child that you couldn't necessarily know.
Like helicopter parenting is kind of giving your child, you know,
the best life that you can give them in terms
of tutoring and the like. But soulmate parenting is that
(27:06):
your source is supposed to be their best friend. You're
supposed to be psychological, you're supposed to have a bunch
of other aspects to who you are as a parent
person and as a parent in order to earn a
continued place in your child's life. And that's so.
Speaker 9 (27:23):
To keep it simple, soul made parenting is sort of
helicopter parenting on steroids.
Speaker 3 (27:32):
Right, yeah, exactly right.
Speaker 9 (27:34):
Okay, So how do parents when they're in it, they
can look back twenty years later or thirty years later
when the kid says something to them, like is in
the article that out of the Washington Post that we
looked at. You never noticed this or you didn't see
that you will, And by the way, it was your column.
(27:55):
It was your column which appeared earlier this month in
the Washington Post. And you started off by saying that
this is not autobiographical, but you it's someone who said
that this son sent them a no contact letter saying
that he realized in therapy that he'd been depressed in
his childhood and was angry at the parent for not
(28:17):
recognizing it. How many people have fallen into this, this
this circumstance or this situation. That's got to be a
tough tough letter for a no contact letter from the
kid because you paid too much attention to the kid.
I guess is what this the bottom line is here?
Speaker 3 (28:41):
Well there they're not saying that you paid pretty much
attention like this child.
Speaker 2 (28:44):
That.
Speaker 3 (28:45):
And I see these letters every day becaus I specialize
in printal estrangement parents whose adult children have cut them off,
and I every day see letters like this from adult children.
Well you didn't see that I was depressed, You didn't
get me the right kind of help for my agies,
or you didn't do recognize other parts of me. And
if you had, I'd be a very different person today.
(29:07):
And I just think it's a guilt trip.
Speaker 9 (29:09):
What a huge guilt trip. Well no, I'm serious, what
a guilt trip. No, you would think you would think
that any rational person, and I want to defend the
parent here just in theory, right, and I'd let to
get your reaction. You would think that any rational person,
even if they felt that way, would not put the
burden on the parent, but would say, look, maybe the
(29:32):
school system failed him. Maybe that this should have been
a teacher who should have said, gee, he doesn't seem
to be able to pay attention in class. Does he
have ADHD? Maybe there's a school counselor this is like
throwing it all on the parent. And I talk about
this is a guilt trip on steroids.
Speaker 3 (29:53):
Well it's a guilt trip. But yeah, you're absolutely right.
And it's also to your point, kind of making the
parent responsible for all kinds of things that they're not
necessarily responsible for. I mean, you can come into adults
and with significant depression or anxiety, or lack of confidence
or problems with relationships and still come from a really good, loving,
(30:15):
decent home. Either you could have problems because of genetics
or the era that you're growing up in, which is
by to be particularly challenging, like right now, for gen
z those born between nineteen nine, I forget the age, but.
Speaker 9 (30:29):
Nineteen ninety six in twenty twelve, I'm not a Genzer,
as you probably can tell, right right, and they have
a little to make sure I know what they have.
I'm a baby boomer, okay, so.
Speaker 3 (30:42):
Yeah, me too, so right, So that groups they're especially
vulnerable to depression and anxiety, and it's not because their
parents have all failed them. It's because they're growing up
with cell phones, and they're constantly having to compare themselves
to other kids who supposedly are doing better. But we've
developed as very therapeutical. I'm a psychologist, but we're sort
of making young people feel like, well, if you have problems,
(31:05):
then you just need to look back on the ways
that you were traumatized, you know, in childhood. And yeah,
a lot of people are traumatized. A lot of people,
you know, really have a right to be upset that
their parents didn't treat them well. But a lot of
parents today, perfectly good, normal, loving parents are getting cut
off by their adult children for reasons that any other
generation would have considered absurd.
Speaker 9 (31:27):
Well, you know what's funny. I think you and I
probably are from the same school and probably had similar experiences.
But when I read a story about some gen zs,
and I'm not anti gen Z, but when I read
some story about gen zs being upset because in a
freshman class of college, there was some professor who talked
(31:49):
about a subject that made them feel uncomfortable, and they
want some sort of a safe space, a safe room,
maybe a comfortable the comfort pet. And I'm thinking to myself,
how do these eighteen year olds old to olders young
people today? How did they come here with the eighteen
(32:10):
year old kids in nineteen forty four who hit the
beaches at Normandy. Well, I wasn't born despite, I wasn't
born in nineteen forty four. Okay, so let me make
that very clear. But what the hell I mean? You
talk about a tough problem, and so you've got some
professor who's giving you a B minus because right, well,
(32:32):
how do we get that generation out?
Speaker 3 (32:36):
Right? Well, a lot of younger adults are coming into
therapy and they're saying, well, you emotionally abused me for
things that in the parents generation certainly would would have
been considered abusive in any way. And the parents want
to say, and they offer, doday, you know abuse, what
I gave you a childhood I would have killed for.
If you want to see an abusive childhood, you should
have seen what I grew up in. And which, of course,
(32:58):
is the best way to start a conversation. No, we're
happy to become way way to protective of our children.
We've become way too worried about the world being dangerous.
So younger generations just haven't been exposed to the kind
of things that older generations have, so the world just
does feel more dangerous and threatening to them.
Speaker 9 (33:17):
Hey, I remember when I was a twelve year old kid,
ten year old kid. Uh, we had we literally had
drills at our small little uh in Boston. Get under
your desk, you were under attack. Yeah, that's kind of traumatizing.
Second roll, right, yeah, right, yeah, just unbelievable. Look, I
(33:41):
really enjoyed this conversation. It probably seemed a little irreverent
to you, but I'm kind.
Speaker 3 (33:47):
Of a now a guy. Yeah. No, I think this
topic deserves a certain degree of irreverence. So I'm with
you on Matt.
Speaker 9 (33:54):
Yeah, and you sound to me like the sort of psychologist,
a psychiatrist that can actually help people, because people, at
different times during your life, everyone needs help. But for
all the gender girls who are thinking about how tough
it is out there in the world when you didn't
get that date on Saturday night or your date didn't
(34:16):
show up, just think about Normandy and Utah Beach and
Sword Beach and June sixth, nineteen forty four. If you
want to talk about kind of being in a tough
sort of situation where you really did need a safe
place or safe room, right, I y. I enjoyed our
conversation very much. Is there any sort of a book?
(34:39):
Sometimes many of my guests have written a book and
they like to refer to an other clinical psychologist and
a senior fellow with the Council and contemporary families and
your articles in the Washington Post how soulmate parenting hurts
parent child relationships tell us about Is there somewhere that
people can will get more information?
Speaker 3 (35:00):
Sure that? Yeah. My newest book is called Rules of Estrangement,
Why adult Children cut ties and how to heal the conflict.
And they can learn more about me and my services
at my website TRIPLEW dot doctor Joshua Coleman dot com.
And I'm all over the internet, so I'm really easy
to find.
Speaker 9 (35:18):
Doctor Joshua Coleman dot dot com. Okay, great, Doctor Coleman.
Really really enjoyed it and hope to have you. Have
to have you on again. And I actually wrote one
piece for the Washington Post many many years ago on
the a tribute to Tippleneil when he retired as speaker.
The Post actually allowed to cover him for many years
(35:38):
as a political reporter here in Boston, and they wanted
a sort of a piece from a Boston perspective in
nineteen eighty six. So I had one piece in the
Washington Post that was it.
Speaker 3 (35:49):
Well, that's that's impressive. And those were the days when
the government sort of worked, as you know, the Republicans
and Democrats actually kind of collaborated together.
Speaker 9 (35:58):
So and that was kind of a bet a better
time in many respects. Doctor Joshua loved the interview. Love
you you you. I think you're a philosophical soul made here. Man.
We'll talk soon.
Speaker 3 (36:13):
Thanks for having me on. I appreciate it.
Speaker 9 (36:15):
You're more than welcome.
Speaker 4 (36:16):
Thank you.
Speaker 9 (36:16):
We get back when we talk about gen Z and
they now are going for TikTok videos as opposed to resumes.
My instinct on that is basically good luck with that. Kids.
We'll be back with Julie Balki, President and chief career
Strategist at the Buki Group. We'll talk about this back
on Nightside.
Speaker 8 (36:38):
Now back to Dan ray Mine from the Window World
night Side Studios on w b Z News Radio.
Speaker 9 (36:46):
I want to welcome back Julie Balki. Julie is the
president and chief career strategist at the Balkie Group Career
Coaching firm. Julie, welcome back to Nightside.
Speaker 16 (36:55):
How are you hey, Thanks, thanks for having me.
Speaker 9 (36:58):
Great to have you back and talking again about gen Z.
I just ended up talking with a clinical psychologist, doctor
Joshua Coleman, last hour about what they call soulmate parenting,
where a lot of young people, I guess gen z
Is are are blaming their parents because their parents weren't
(37:20):
you know, had a relationship which was very supportive, but
they didn't diagnose problems. And the doctor who we just
have was a little skeptical of, you know, finger pointing
by members of Generation gen Z, but they But the
area that we're going to talk about is that when
(37:42):
you and I were young, back in the well, at
least when I was young in the last century, uh,
you polished your resume and maybe you even sent a
cover letter with the resume resume when you were applying
for a job or inquiring if there were jobs available.
But gen Z now has decided they're go and tick
talk maybe all the way, TikTok videos and forget this
(38:04):
resume stuff. It's a much much too old school. What's
going on?
Speaker 16 (38:10):
Well, yeah, and not only did we polish up our resumes,
do you remember going to the store and buying high
quality paper and envelopes that match so you could then
put them in the mailbox. Yeah, it has changed. And
I've been in this world of like career coaching since
you know, the very late nineties, and so I have
(38:33):
seen I remember that time and then still doing it now,
and it's literally in some ways a one eighty. In
some ways it isn't. The essence of it is still
the same. If you are looking for a role, you
want people, you want the decision makers to understand who
(38:55):
you are, and limiting that to a two page resume
is always hard. It's hard, but it's always the way
it was done. So now we have social media, we
have ai is writing our resumes for us, and so
we have all these things that in some ways make
(39:15):
it harder for people to get to know us, in
some ways make it easier. So let's go through an example.
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Speaker 17 (41:53):
I bet you're smart Yeah, and you like to hold
your own in the group chat.
Speaker 13 (41:58):
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Reports every weekday afternoon. Post Reports takes you inside an
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Speaker 16 (42:52):
Today, you're applying for a job, an employer is interested
in you. Smart employers are going well beyond typical reference checking,
just calling the people whose names should give them and
they're googling you. They're seeing what is your social media presence?
How do you show up in the world? And you
(43:14):
and I are listening to that, going, oh heavens, I'm
so glad that wasn't a thing, right, I mean, I
I'd hate that. I'm like, twenty something fought.
Speaker 9 (43:23):
Dodge that bull dodge that we.
Speaker 16 (43:26):
Did, We certainly did so. So they're like, okay, so
who is this person? You know, what is their social
media presence? So and when you're applying for a job,
you may not even know they do that. All you
know is you never get a callback. So some savvy
gen zers, and this is where you have to start
really thinking about what type of job are you applying
(43:47):
for and what's the best way to show who you are.
So this example, this story was telling the stories about
these gen zers who said, I'm going to hopefully catapult
myself to the top of the pile and do something different.
And you know, even twenty years ago, job seekers did
(44:09):
things to stand out that weren't always appropriate, weren't always appreciated.
So we've got in this case, we've got let's say
you're applying to be an accountant at an insurance company.
I absolutely do not recommend you make a TikTok video.
You know it's not. So you've got to know where
you're applying to.
Speaker 9 (44:28):
You have to know, don't make a TikTok videos given
an accountest room with some sort of a rap song
about adding and subtracting, and it's convincedant you're kind of
numbers guy, I got it, Okay, I got that all right.
Speaker 16 (44:42):
So I looked at a couple of these videos that
these gen zs made applying for a top and they
were very well done. And making a TikTok video is
a lot harder than people think it is, and so
it's a way to show your personality in a way
that it does you stand out. But in both of
these cases, they were applying for jobs in which social
(45:05):
media was a big part of the company's presence, the
big part of the company's marketing.
Speaker 9 (45:10):
It was.
Speaker 16 (45:11):
One was an internship with Barstool Sports, which is Dave Portnoy.
He's everywhere on social media so you have to make
sure that you're matching your approach to applying for a job,
to the to the the culture.
Speaker 9 (45:26):
You saw that TikTok video that you're referring to. I
saw the TikTok videos you're referring referring to, and I
thought to some extent that the young woman was kind
of trying a little too hard.
Speaker 16 (45:37):
If you get my drift, you thought, yes, see interpretation. Yeah,
So it's you know, you have to be careful, is
all I'm saying. You have to think of. So if
the people making the decision are boomers or gen X,
you're not going to get the same reaction is if
(45:57):
they are peers of yours and they're super us with
your creativity. So it's it's a really tricky line to walk.
We haven't completely crossed over yet to the point where
a resume typical resumes are obsolete, but we may someday.
Speaker 9 (46:13):
Yeah, I guess, I mean probably, at some point in
the future, we will be able to time travel and
and basically materialize inside the office of the person who's
interviewing you. Just materialized magically or something. I don't know.
Speaker 16 (46:29):
I do think what I'm still waiting for I'm still
waiting for the flying car from the Jetsons that we
were promised.
Speaker 9 (46:36):
Well, it's on the way, don't worry. Elon's working on that.
Speaker 3 (46:38):
Probably.
Speaker 9 (46:39):
Yeah, I guarantee you. Look. It's always your great guest
and I enjoyed it much. I still think time resume
and a discreete photograph, headshot or whatever you want to
call it is good. And also, you know, being good
in the telephone I think is a really lost skill.
Speaker 16 (46:58):
That the communication skill are drastically missing, and companies are
even saying they're having to retrain their new employees in
basic communication skills.
Speaker 9 (47:08):
You got it, You got it, doctor Julie Bulkie, thank
you so much, as always one of our favorite guests.
How can folks get in touch with you at the Bunkie.
Speaker 16 (47:15):
Group, Well, the Balkiegroup dot com it's b a uk E.
But I'm also on Instagram and TikTok as Julie on
the job.
Speaker 9 (47:23):
And your career coaching firms and that's important. So maybe
people who want.
Speaker 16 (47:28):
To well help you get career happy.
Speaker 9 (47:32):
Oh that's all we're trying. I've been trying that for
a long time.
Speaker 16 (47:36):
Thanks to give up again, No, I.
Speaker 9 (47:39):
Never give up. Never quit, never quit trust me, thanks
very much. We won't quit you either, because we got
the news coming up. And on the other side, we're
going to inform you of the the no school status
in Gloucester, Beverly and Marblehead. I think you probably know
what it's going to be, but we'll let you know
right after the nine. And I want to talk more seriously,
(48:00):
very seriously about the spate of school strikes. I think
it's improper. I think something should be done. And the
Globe editorial page was fabulous today. Mark that down. Might
be one of the few times I'll have a site
the Globe Editorial editorial as being fabulous. Back on nightside,
right after this.
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