November 23, 2024 • 45 mins
Warning: This episode discusses domestic violence and suicidal thoughts.
This week, Paula's guest is boxing champion Mea Motu for an emotional interview as Motu discusses her experiences with domestic violence, why she got out for her children's sake, and why years later she learnt to put their feelings first in order to forgive her ex-husband.
FAMILY VIOLENCE
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• Phone the police on 111 or ask neighbours or friends to ring for you.
• Run outside and head for where there are other people. Scream for help so your neighbours can hear you.
• Take the children with you. Don't stop to get anything else.
• If you are being abused, remember it's not your fault. Violence is never okay.
Where to go for help or more information:
• Women's Refuge: Crisis line - 0800 REFUGE or 0800 733 843 (available 24/7)
• Shine: Helpline - 0508 744 633 (available 24/7)
• It's Not Ok: Family violence information line - 0800 456 450
• Shakti: Specialist services for African, Asian and Middle Eastern women and children.
• Crisis line - 0800 742 584 (available 24/7)
• Ministry of Justice: For information on family violence
• Te Kupenga Whakaoti Mahi Patunga: National Network of Family Violence Services
• White Ribbon: Aiming to eliminate men's violence towards women.
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Suicide and depression help services:
If it is an emergency and you or someone else is at risk, call 111.
For counselling and support:
- Lifeline: http://www.lifeline.co.nz, call 0800 543 354 or text 4357 (HELP)
- Suicide Crisis Helpline: www.lifeline.org.nz/services/suicide-crisis-helpline, or call 0508 828 865 (0508 TAUTOKO)
Youth services:
- Youthline: Call 0800 376 633 or text 234
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- Depression helpline: Call 0800 111 757 or text 4202 (available 24/7)
- Helpline: Need to talk? Call or text 1737
- Aoake te Rā (Bereaved by Suicide Service): Call 0800 000 053
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
This episode of Asked Me Anything mentioned suicide and talks
about domestic violence. If you or anyone you know needs help,
please find the contact numbers in the episode notes of
this podcast.
Speaker 2 (00:12):
Hello.
Speaker 1 (00:12):
I am Paula Bennett and welcome to my new Zealand
Herald podcast Ask Me Anything.
Speaker 2 (00:27):
Now.
Speaker 1 (00:27):
One thing I've learned in life is it's never too
late to learn something new. So on this podcast, I
talk to people from all walks of life to hear
about how they got to where they are and get
some advice and guidance on some of life's biggest questions. Today,
an incredible woman joins me on the podcast, Mia Motu,
also known as the Night Maya Maya.
Speaker 2 (00:47):
Is a professional.
Speaker 1 (00:48):
Boxer, the current IBO World super Bantamweight Champion. She's undefeated
in her pro boxing career. She's an absolute inspiration and
I am so glad to have her here today. Hi Maya, Hello,
thanks for having me. I'm really excited. Okay, we'll do
a quick for our question. You can't really go to
(01:09):
the pubs and we stalkland. We're both worked out with
were stays because we don't really have them, which is
really it's ridiculous.
Speaker 2 (01:15):
But we'll get to that another time. But if you
could go to.
Speaker 1 (01:18):
A night or at night out or something like that,
who would the celebrity be? Who would the person be
that you'd like to spend your time with. That's a
good one, right, Yew's interesting? Well who would you like
to ask questions to the evenet a chance? Oh?
Speaker 2 (01:32):
You must have some boxing heroes? Oh, I was thinking
just to New Zealand. Sorry, no, it's talking about just
dream Oh Canelo Alvarez. I don't know who that is.
He's a professional boxer, I really yeah? And why oh?
Because of us boxing skills. It's just he's my favorite
fighter and he's just amazing. And how it keeps all
(01:55):
us basic boxing skills just real simple? Really?
Speaker 1 (02:00):
Yeah, Okay, I'm going to leap straight into it because
I don't get it. Yeah, because it's not me right,
the thought of someone punching me in the face or
me punching them in the face. I just I just
don't get it. But you love it, Ah, I love
it like O. So tell me what it is you
love about boxing so much?
Speaker 2 (02:19):
What I love about boxing? Really? I find who I
am and I feel like everyone's silent and it's just
me and my opponent in the ring, and I find
and I discover something new about myself every time I fight.
Speaker 1 (02:30):
So even when there's all that chaos and noise going
on around you, you're in a quiet zone in the
middle of you know, what is a fierce competition that
involves punching each other, But you go into a different zone.
Speaker 2 (02:46):
Is that what you're saying? Yes, I go into a
different zone. I go into my silent zone of just
me and finding who I am, because I feel like
every time I fight there's something new about me and
I learned something new about me every time.
Speaker 1 (03:00):
Is that and do you mean that in the way
of your ability to keep going or you know?
Speaker 2 (03:05):
What is it? What are those types of things that
you learn about yourself? Then in that zone, I learned
basic life skills being in that ring. Really yeah, how
to survive, well, yeah, how to survive, but also how
to be calm, how to be relaxed and really look
at not just in the ring, but how I attack
(03:26):
my life. Yeah. Well yeah, because you've bought.
Speaker 1 (03:29):
Through, right, I mean, you won that championship, Am I right?
With a broken rib?
Speaker 2 (03:34):
Yes? I mean there, I just see I don't get there.
How did you work through that pain because he must
have been pain right, Oh, there was pain, but I
can block it and literally what goes in my head
is like nothing as hard as giving birth. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I think if our body can go give birth and
we go through different hormones and challenges and pain and
(03:57):
suffering mentally and physically, then I can in the ring
and I can handle that pain. Yeah. In fact, does
the pain in some level fuel you or.
Speaker 1 (04:06):
Does it you know, like, can you can you find
another place that keeps you going?
Speaker 2 (04:11):
Yeah? I definitely find another place. And it's it's it's
so hard to describe it because it's just like I
switch off and I just go, Okay, I can do this,
and I just believe in myself. Wow. I find like
I switched from that pain and I turn it to belief.
Yeah yeah, And I just feel like you can do
this no matter what. I freaking love it.
Speaker 1 (04:32):
See I don't get it, yeah, but I love people
that are just so passionate and so good at what
they do.
Speaker 2 (04:38):
And that's you, right, yes, one hundred percent.
Speaker 1 (04:40):
But you came to it a bit what so you
were boxing amateur young? Yes, I was in the family
kind of thing, and then you didn't go pro until
what four years ago?
Speaker 2 (04:50):
Yes? And am I right of you had to baby
between then and now. Yes, So while you've been a
pro boxer, you've had a child. Oh not during PROBA.
When I started pro, had a baby and she was
only about six months. See that's amazing.
Speaker 1 (05:06):
Yeah, because, as you say, with childbirth and what it
does to us as women, to our bodies, you know,
even your ability physically and mentally to bounce back from
that so quickly just absolutely astounds me.
Speaker 2 (05:18):
Yeah. I don't know, Like I even freak out it myself,
like what I'm capable of doing? And I'm like wow,
But it always brings back to I always go back
to like I gave birth, I pushed my children out.
I can handle anything. Yeah. Yeah, I mean it's a
good lesson for it's all right. Yeah, it's like really
amazing to see what our body like I literally birth,
(05:40):
giving birth really woken me up to know what our
body is capable of doing. And we put our own roadblocks,
That's what I realized. We we we make excuses and
we put our own roadblocks to be like, Okay, this
is as far as I can go. But really, when
in birth, we don't have a choice. I want to
push it out and handle the pain or they just
(06:03):
cut you open. But I wanted to push it out. Yeah,
and still had to handle it. And we suffer not
just through the birth, but the whole duration of nine months. Yeah, yeah,
which is it's challenging.
Speaker 1 (06:15):
Yeah, that physicality of a day is just what people
don't get. Okay, I'm just go back to boxing, and
then we do need to talk about these five children
for those that are listening.
Speaker 2 (06:24):
Five Yes, I did stay five.
Speaker 1 (06:26):
So let's go to the cancelation of your Unification world
title fight against Alie Scottney. So because that was going
to be a big one for you, right the win.
Is it going to happen?
Speaker 2 (06:37):
Well, it was meant to happen definitely this year. Last
weekend just been I should have thought. But it looks
like it's going to happen next year early next year,
and I know it's one hundred percent is going to happen,
but it's just when she's ready. We're waiting on her.
So we heard about what injury she's got. She had
a carve muscle injury.
Speaker 1 (06:56):
Okay, Yeah, it doesn't sound like she's pushing through the pain.
Speaker 2 (06:59):
Just say it. Yeah, but I guess that for her,
she's making sure she has to be one hundred percent. Yeah, true, Yeah,
so she's.
Speaker 1 (07:07):
Going to be You're going to beat her, yeah, right,
So if she's going in with a bit of an
injury then yeah, so she's.
Speaker 2 (07:15):
Just taking a bit of time. So does she have
to fight you? Yes?
Speaker 1 (07:19):
Yeah, she can't avoid me because she holds the title
and then you have to defend your title. Yes, you can't,
just because you know, I could get a title and
then just sit there for the next fifty years and
just go on it's mine.
Speaker 2 (07:29):
No, But I've been made mandatory, so I've worked hard
to get to her. Yeah, I've worked my way up
the ladder and I've done everything properly, and so she can't.
She can't turn me away or anything because I'm I'm
actually ranked higher than her now because I fought and
I moved up with the rankings, so I'm ranked higher
than her. But I made mandatory and she has to
(07:51):
fight me. Where's she from She's from England. Yeah, And
so what does this fight mean to you? Oh? This
fight means everything. You know. It's not just for me,
it is for us here, for our next generation, our kids,
and for our people here in New Zealand to showcase
that we have greatness here and that if we set
our mind to it, we can actually do it. So
(08:11):
I want to prove to our kids, just in a
small little country of New Zealand and we don't have
all the facilities like they do overseas, that we can
do it in our own backyard and we produce champions.
You're a legend.
Speaker 1 (08:24):
You're absolutely amazing, and it just absolutely stunds. We said,
what do you do in the meantime? Do you take
other fights? How do you keep your how do you
keep your grit? How do you keep the fierceness? How
do you keep the fitness up?
Speaker 2 (08:35):
So I'm still training, still keeping active and still working
hard on the gym, not as hard as what I'm
normally doing because us just tape it down a little
bit just to also make sure I'm looking after myself
and I don't burn myself out, and just wait for
her to call the date. We're waiting for them to
call the date. Once she calls a date, then we'll
lock in our training camp and we'll start hard training again.
Speaker 1 (08:57):
It's amazing. Okay, So how on earth. Do you juggle training,
life and everything else?
Speaker 2 (09:03):
In five kids? So we're aged from what three or four?
Four years old? Four? That's to seventeen years my oldest.
Speaker 1 (09:11):
Wow. Yeah, Wow, that's a lot, is it? How are
you just going to have to be organized?
Speaker 2 (09:15):
Don't you? I have to make myself organized sometimes it's challenging,
but I'm lucky. I've got lots of support. So I
have lots of family support and also my gym supports me.
So if if it comes to a hard time where
I can't, I've got no other support for my kids.
I bring them to training. They come along with me.
Oh do they? Yes? Yeah?
Speaker 1 (09:34):
And older ones? Can you see that fighting in them?
Can you do you think they might? No?
Speaker 2 (09:39):
No, there's no fighting. Definitely. My oldest boy, he's a
professional long bowler, so he's got no passion for boxing.
He's only got passion for balls. I love that.
Speaker 1 (09:52):
I don't really well, I do care what you're into,
but you know what I mean. If you've got a
passion for something, ah, and it turns the light on
in your eyes, then just people that then dedicate themselves
to it and go for it.
Speaker 2 (10:02):
So where will he end up? What would he do
with it. So he wants to be a professional bowler,
and he's already made them his yelling team and he's
heading off to Melbourne and next month. Wow. Yeah, so
he's doing really well. I just think that's outstanding.
Speaker 1 (10:17):
So here you are a woman who's won a tied
with a broken rib, who's fought with a dislocated shoulder, who,
as you know, potentially one of the toughest women. You
know that I'm sitting opposite, and yet Celebrity Treasure Island
took you out.
Speaker 2 (10:30):
Oh that's exactly what my daughter said to me. Yes,
so she's like, oh wow, She's like, oh, Celebrity Treasure
Island took you up, but boxing couldn't. Yeah. Yeah, yeah,
it was my house. I was not really sick. I
don't do too well with the cold, and especially because
I doesn't have my medicine and my medication, I deteriorated.
(10:54):
And because I had pneumonia at the same time. Oh no,
why didn't you have your medicine and meat dcations Because
I didn't. Because they check us, you know, they check
our bags. You're not how to take it. I thought
we went allowed our and our medication, and I thought
they like I gave them the list of what I have,
and I thought that they would bring it because I
thought I was sticking to the rules, you know. Yeah,
(11:15):
you were all like, if you give me the rules,
I'll stick to the rules. And I don't like breaking
any roles. So I stuck to the protocol. They searched
my bags and everything, and so I was thinking, Okay,
the medics will know my history and everything, and thinking
that they would have all the medicine. But no, they didn't, and.
Speaker 1 (11:33):
They stood of sitting on the programming because you don't
hear body fat, right, because you're just so extremely fat
that unlike someone like me, who could you know, live
in the cold for a long time with my extra layers,
you would feel it more. So you had pneumonia, you
were unwell, you didn't have your medications, and then you
would have been driving yourself hard. I imagined through that,
and yeah, it just got Yeah, it hurt me really.
Speaker 2 (11:55):
Quick, but it took a couple of days because I
was sick five days ago and I told them and
they were soap, but also being like poor diet. Yeah,
so that was even hard. And because I eat a
lot of fruit and vegetables, so to not have any
fruit or anything. It was completely different. And also getting
(12:16):
our own water and all that was a challenge. So
I drink a lot of water and my body wasn't
getting that. And then but what shut me down was
that I hit We stood in the cold for about
two to three hours and it was pouring with rain
and we were saturated wet, and because they have to
transport us to our cabins, so they had to go,
(12:37):
they transported the first team and then we were last.
Speaker 1 (12:41):
So I was still you were extra time in the
freezing cold. So we were extra time in the cold.
Speaker 2 (12:47):
It's probably not good for someone who's got pneumonia, yes, fear,
And like I was like, I didn't realize what happened
because I was like, AHM fine, And I didn't realize
they were taking me out because I was like, nah,
don't take me, I'm fine, and they're like, no, we
got to get we got to warm you up, and
they didn't have any place to keep me warm, so
they had to take me off the island just to
look after me. Did you enjoy it? Would you do it?
Speaker 1 (13:10):
Because you weren't that king to start with that, and
it was your coaching that wind step outside your comfort zone.
Speaker 2 (13:14):
Yeah, I wasn't keen to do it because I was fighting. Yeah,
and so what how what what also didn't work out
is because I was training at four thirty in the
morning and the freezing cold beer feet, which I shouldn't
have done. And I was doing it every morning and
every night. So that's why I wasn't getting better either.
But one hundred percent I'll do it again, and next
(13:34):
time I won't do it with a fight. And did
your kids think you should do it? Were they? Did
they think yes? Or they didn't even know? No, you
were you see you're a rule follower. Yeah, yeah, I
didn't know. It wasn't until I got back and they
were like, why is mom in the hospital?
Speaker 1 (13:51):
But you wouldn't mind a bit of the hardship the way.
But see, I just don't get it, says you say
you can't. You're not even giving you water. You're gonna
go and get that. You don't get your fruit and
v GE's you don't get it comfortable bed. No, you
know it's cold, but you would why because of the challenge.
Speaker 2 (14:05):
Oh, I love the challenge and I love taking myself
to a whole nother uncomfortable zone. And I know, see,
like I've never been through that situation, and I learned
something out of that. And so the good thing is
I learned like, don't have a fight going into those
type of things. Yeah, and look after your health a
bit better. Yeah.
Speaker 1 (14:22):
Yeah, we're gonna come back really soon and we're going
to talk more about you personally and your journey to
get to where you are. And it's certainly a history
of a domestic violence in there and everything else.
Speaker 2 (14:34):
And I think it's just so important.
Speaker 1 (14:35):
For people to hear that because we all know someone yes,
and so we've got to keep learning those lessons. So Locke,
let's take that break now and we'll be back really shortly.
(14:56):
Welcome back, everybody. I am joined by Mia Motu, also
known as Night Mea, and she is a professional boxer
and our IBO World super bantamweight Champion. I actually feel
like I could have been one of those people that
what the broadcasters what are they?
Speaker 3 (15:10):
And mea mold professional boxer other presenters Yah, yeah, quite
like that.
Speaker 1 (15:19):
Your path to the top hasn't been plain sailing, right, Like,
I mean, man, you what you got? You know, you
moved to Auckland from Northland. Yes, Northland's in your heart?
Speaker 2 (15:28):
Am I right? Yes, yes, my home. It is amazing
the way it is beautiful.
Speaker 1 (15:33):
My grandmother rest in pace is used to say your
soul gets renewed when you get past funa day.
Speaker 2 (15:42):
Yes, it does. That's so true.
Speaker 1 (15:44):
Yeah, and it's well I think it's absolutely true as well.
There's just something that kind of yeah, it's a it's
a breath a you.
Speaker 2 (15:53):
Know, everything goes away. Yeah, yeah, yeah yeah.
Speaker 1 (15:56):
But when you were relative, how old were you when
you moved to Aalkland and about twelve years old.
Speaker 2 (16:01):
Yeah, that's a tricky time as well, isn't it. Yes,
you're into your teenage. You just transform into your teenage
and you're.
Speaker 1 (16:08):
A baby, and yet you think you're older and you're
confused and friends me and everything, and you're taken out
of that place in your soul and moved to stinky Auckland.
Speaker 2 (16:19):
Yeah, and everything's so big and flash Yeah, out of
my comfort zone and scary.
Speaker 1 (16:25):
And I mean because there's kids up in Northland that
haven't even been defunk at a No.
Speaker 2 (16:29):
Yeah that's true.
Speaker 1 (16:30):
Yeah, people don't know there like we all think that
everyone's done everything. No, but the reality is it can
be beautifully isolating. I want to say, you know, that's
how I felt. Yeah, before I left home, like I
felt like I had seen the world. Yeah, like home
is so like it seemed so big. So you were
quite a green naive moving to the big smoke. Yeah, struying,
(16:55):
trying to find your grove and everything else. And I
presume that with your troubles at home, you know, that
was that kind of testing for you. I didn't really
have trouble at home.
Speaker 2 (17:04):
Like I was brought up, was really great parents and
aunties and uncles, you know, and great cousins. Wasn't until
I hit my teenagers. Then that's when like my dad
drifted away and everything started to fall apart.
Speaker 1 (17:19):
Yeah, and so you got all challenging. You got married
really young. Did you marry your first boyfriend?
Speaker 2 (17:25):
Yes? Yeah, Because I was brought up in a faith background, yeap.
And I'm very strong in faith, and so I always
stuck to that principle. And I always respected and honored
my mum's principles of that and her faith because you know,
she's the mother and sick to the rules. So that's
how I saw it, and that's all I knew really.
(17:45):
So you met him thought you were in love. I
thought I was love and I just wanted to grow
up real fast. I was looking for that male attention
because my dad had walked out and so and also
I lost my poppa, and so that was hard. So
I felt like all the males in my life had
walked out, and the ones that I loved dearly. My
(18:05):
dad was like my best friend, and so for him
to go and be taken away by another woman, it
was just really hard. And I wanted attention, but I
was seeking for that male attention. Yeah, And so I
just found it in my boyfriend. He was the next thing. Yeah.
And I was desperate for a male and he was
the male that I relied on and depend on. And
(18:26):
you got married. You got married, right. I got married.
I respected what my mom said, didn't want to get married.
I hated it. Yes, I hated that decision. I fought it.
But wow, I had How quickly did you have children
a year late? Oh?
Speaker 1 (18:40):
No?
Speaker 2 (18:40):
When I got married, I had my son already.
Speaker 1 (18:43):
Oh okay, So for me, it was singing, you would
have had you a baby at sixteen seventeen?
Speaker 2 (18:47):
Then seventeen seven? Had my son? Yeah, I was seventeen
when I hit my daughter and then straight away to
get married within like a couple of weeks because it
was a sin in my mom's eyes.
Speaker 1 (18:58):
Okay, so you're married. You were thinking, well, at least
i've got a you know, a male that loves me.
I'm you know, I'm a I'm in a loving relationship.
And then it didn't go that way.
Speaker 2 (19:08):
They did it? No, So what happened? I mean was it?
Did it?
Speaker 1 (19:11):
Do you feel like it was gradual or because we're
because he got quite violent?
Speaker 2 (19:15):
Yes? Yeah, so was it gradual? Could you see it happening?
It was? He slowly broke me down mentally first, so
he started controlling me first, and I didn't take any notice.
I was just like okay, and I started listening and obeying,
and just because every time I'd snap back and then
(19:36):
he'll retaliate, yelling at me. And I couldn't understand because
I was never raised there, so I was like, WHOA,
what's this? And it was very confusing. So he pulled
me away from my family and I started living with
his family. It was normalized to them. Yeah, And so
his dad would abuse his siblings and abuse the mother
and all that, and the aunties and every everyone around us,
(19:59):
and so he started following. And then because his dad
would be like, don't let her answer you back, show
her what you're made of, and so he would retaliate
with violence, and I was like, well the here cappin.
I was so confused. I was so lost because I've
never been hit in my life. I've only had a
smack on the hand by my parents, but I've never
been hit to the face, only in boxing. But it
(20:21):
was like actual first, and so I was stunned. I
didn't know what to do. I didn't know if I
should cry or show emotion. And I kind of was
like what was that for? And it was like you
need it, you deserve it. I shouldn't answer back, I
should respect to him, and I was like okay. So
I went to go run away and like head in
(20:41):
my own little corner. And then I went to go
reach out to a friend and she just called me
an idiot. So as soon as I heard those words,
I was you just shut down. I head. We're going
to keep talking about this journey.
Speaker 1 (20:56):
But I think because you know this is an advice segment,
I think this is one that's really important because we
do all know someone yes, you know, we might pretend
we don't. Yeah, well we might choose to, but we
actually do. So what could have a friend or a
relation of done at that point for you differently?
Speaker 2 (21:14):
That might have given you different choices. I just wanted
her to say, are you okay? I'm here for you.
That's all I wanted. I was desperate for that, because,
you know, having your dad walk out and stuff, you're
desperate for someone just to say you're okay, I've got you. Yeah,
you just want someone to hold you. Yeah, and for
(21:36):
her to call you an idiot, You've you feel so ashamed. Well,
you've just been victimized again. Yeah.
Speaker 1 (21:42):
Right, so you're being victimized. You started believing you are
an idiot. Yes, he's been telling you and physically hurting
you enough that you start believing it. And then the
people that you're that you reach out to does the
same thing.
Speaker 2 (21:54):
Yeah, And so it's not they're not they're not actually
abusing me physically, but they're abusing me emotionally.
Speaker 1 (22:02):
Yeah, and so that was that was more hurtful too. Yeah,
so I'll shut down both ways. So because it's if
for you to have reached out was incredibly brave. Yes,
so if you are, oh, I always call it someone someone.
Speaker 2 (22:15):
You know, we've all got to be someone someone. It's yes,
different points, right.
Speaker 1 (22:19):
So if you're the chosen someone, then we need to
take a breath, We need to listen, We need to
reach out with love and adaha. Yes, don't don't what
about fixing the problem, because sometimes you can't. I don't
mean that really, but you know what I mean. Sometimes
you just got to listen, do you.
Speaker 2 (22:36):
All we want is just when I was in that
stuck in that I just wanted someone to listen to
me and hold me and give me the courage, Give
me courage. Just give me courage so I can build
confidence to speak because when you're stuck in there, all
you can see is just the hurt and pain, and
you just need someone to relieve that hurt and pain.
And once that hurt and pain is relieved, then you're
(22:59):
you're building the confidence is to speak up. But if
you've got to keep shutting down, you're silencing me more. Yeah,
and I'm living in that fair and shame. Yeah.
Speaker 1 (23:08):
So and then so I keept kind of escalating and
you're having babies, yes, right, And I mean what and
you've have you have you tried to talk to family
and police and you know, like or is he just
so mentally shut you down that you're you feel like
you don't can't see a way out.
Speaker 2 (23:26):
So I did speak to family, and I did like
my uncles and stuff and like just distance family, and
I did speak to police and stuff, and I reached
out try to get him rested and stuff. But I
never won that. So, like my family would get hurt
by the gang because he comes from my gang family,
like my uncle try to help me. So many times
he got beaten up and then he got put on
(23:47):
the cells. Like he was so confused because he was
reaching out to the police's help, but they knew they
know the system. Yeah, the gangs know the system, and
he knew the system. And so when I did order
to the police, he'd be like, Okay, i'll see you
out in another twenty and twenty four hours. Don't worry,
I'm coming for you. And I'd be like, what, no,
you're getting locked up. Yeah, once I got Once it
(24:11):
went to court, he was innocent because his was like
his words were, oh, no, how do you know it
was me? There's no proof that it was me? Wow? Yeah,
And then he'd say, oh, that's from boxing. She does
she trains boxing. How do you know that was me? Yeah, yeah,
she's a liar. Yeah. So I was always made out
like I was a liar and making false accusations against him.
(24:35):
So I would always lose when I went to court.
But men, you were brave to do that, Yeah, like
really brave. Like one young woman that I worked with
and helped, and you know, he did get locked up
and he would literally she would wake up and again
member would be standing at the end of her beard
till in the morning, just saying me watching you, you know,
(24:56):
And it was just intimidation to let her know that,
you know. And then at one stage and they beat
up the petrol attendant, yes, because they were watching her
all the time and she was too fluty with him.
And that's why I was so scared to tell my
family because I didn't want my family getting hurt because
he would make threats like that. And it's the same
(25:16):
like I would wake up in the morning, was like
a crowbar coming to my body and I'll be half asleep. Yeah,
because he would always find a way out because once
a week to court, he was like, you can take
it to the police, but he was like, good luck,
see you and cook I would always get out and
he always got out because he was always he was
never guilty. Wow, So it was hard. You say that
(25:39):
your kids saved you?
Speaker 1 (25:41):
Yeah, yes, yeah, And was that because you had no
you know, so you had a reason to get out
because they do give you an amazing strength.
Speaker 2 (25:50):
Oh yeah, those kids. And like I was lucky that
my oldest son didn't really witness much because I quickly
gave him to my aunties and I just told them, like,
please just look after him. He saw me get hit
by a car and run over, and so that was traumatizing.
But my daughter was my saving grace and my second child.
(26:12):
She's witnessed so much. She saved me so many times.
I've been drowned, I've been had my head to the
toilet everything. She's watched me be stabbed, and she saved
me so many times, and it was her. The last
one was when she wanted to risk her life to
save me, and that was the turning point for me.
And how did she do that. She jumped in front
(26:34):
of it. She jumped in front of the knife. She
she grabbed his hand and the knife just missed me.
It hit me, but like it missed my chest and stuff.
She was young, she was about seven eight, she was
only young. I'll never forget the day it was white
tonguey and it was her. They saved my life. But
the strength and courage and that fairness that my daughter carried,
(26:58):
I thought, why can't I care that? And that was
the day that I built the courage and strength was
when I saw her trying to save me because she
wanted to keep me alive, because she wanted me to
be there for her siblings. Yeah, for her two brothers. Yeah.
And I was like, no way, I'm not doing this
to my daughter. She don't deserve this. And so I
(27:21):
built the courage and stood up to them, and I
stopped living in fear. I still was scared of her,
still scared of her, but of course I built the
guts to be like, nope, let's go. I'll take you
to court and I don't care how long it's going
to keep. And where did you go? I went to
my family, Yeah, okay, and I slowly started breaking down
and telling them little things, but I didn't tell them
(27:43):
the full depth. I only told them a little bit,
and they kind of knew and so they were like
they helped me, support me and sheltered me, but at
the same time he was still coming. He got arrested,
went to prison, but still tore meed me even in prison. Yeah,
I had his friends and all that come to my
(28:05):
house threat to me. I will be walking on the
street with my kids and they're threatened me because they
just didn't want me to n arc or snitch is
what they call it. Yeah, but I refused. I was like, no,
I'm fighting use Yeah, and you know, they kept trying
to challenge me. It took me years to keep fighting
against them. And it wasn't until I found boxing. Wow,
(28:26):
walked into my coach's gym, Peach Boxing. Yeah, it changed
that day.
Speaker 1 (28:31):
So how long ago did you did you would you
say that you got out of that relationship if you like?
Speaker 2 (28:37):
So I got out of the relationship. He had been
tormenting me for a good like four five years tor
meeting me, and I had got out of it ages ago,
but he still keep torturing me and traumatizing me and
still like even to this day, Like just at the
beginning there when he got released, because he thought we
(28:59):
were still together, he followed me and stalked me. God,
it's just so never just hard.
Speaker 1 (29:06):
Yeah, it's just hard to comprehend, and it's relentless for you.
Speaker 2 (29:10):
They're really Yeah, like I thought it was over after
so many years, but just at the beginning of there
he stalked me, followed me and knew my whole routine. Yeah,
And I was like wow, because I was I stopped
looking over my shoulder and I was like, wow, he's
still stalking me, and he still believes we're still together.
Speaker 1 (29:27):
So it is incredible that you're speaking out, you know,
in the context of the act. Yeah, you know, you
sort of talk about courage and strength. I'd argue you
had it, You've had it your whole life. But it
is particularly courageous that you're speaking out when you've had
an incident with him as recently as this year.
Speaker 2 (29:45):
Yeah, So why are you speaking out? Because I'm sick
of I was sick of seeing our people suffer, you know,
And I've seen so many women and males commit suicide
or just give up, and they've got children and they
leave them behind, and the cycle follows and it carries on,
and it gets passed on because it becomes a normalized behavior.
(30:09):
And I'm tired of it, and I don't want that
for my kids. I don't want my daughter or my
son following what I went through. And so if I
want to change the generation, I need to speak up
and I need to change that cycle and making a
different I want to support our kids because our kids
are seeing this. What hurts me the most is that
(30:32):
my kids had to witness what I went through and
the pain that they had to carry. Watching their mother
get hurt is quite traumatizing. And I'm lucky that I'm
in the stable position to support them and guide them
and give them enough love and support to change the
narrative for them. But for the kids that are actually
going through and witnessing their mother or their father getting
(30:55):
abused is traumatizing and that marks them for life.
Speaker 1 (31:00):
And we have to change a cycle, right, And I
know that change that's a horror, you know, like cliche ish,
But you know you were saying about his family and
his fan and that's what he's grown up with, and
it's what he's saying.
Speaker 2 (31:10):
Yeah, it's yeah, and that's all he's known. It's a
normalized behavior and that's why it's coming. It's like I've
seen so many kids. Just even now, our kids are
out there already abusing each other, and they're abusing their
parents as well, because it's a normalized behavior. And I'm
just tired of it. And I'll say, like, our poor
(31:30):
kids shouldn't be going through this, But it's because what
they're seeing and witnessing. It's not their fault. It's the
environment therein and because us women or males don't have
the courage, because we're ashamed of what society, how society
is going to view us, and how people and the
family are going to look at us. The biggest thing
(31:51):
is what I've learned is that we're too scared to
tell our family because we don't want the bigger, the
outer side of the family to look upon us and
look down on us and look at us at a
negative light, like, oh, that family's you know, they get
abused and stuff. And that's why we keep it silent. Yeah,
it's how they silence you with shame, with shame. Yeah.
(32:12):
And because we're so ashamed, we're too scared, like, oh no,
but that's that's uncle. We don't want to tell uncle's
abusing aunty, so we'd better stay quiet. Yeah, And that's
why our kids are saying quiet and they shouldn't have
to carry that. No, they shouldn't. And so that's why
I'm like, no, even if it's happening, because it is,
it's happening in families. Families need to speak up. Yeah,
(32:33):
stop living in that shame as you're a coward if
you're gonna sit down and watch it, even if it's
your own I.
Speaker 1 (32:40):
Think as well, me or what you are is a
really important you know, you all, hey, you're a world champion, right,
but then so you know, there's no way that for
all that's happened to you, that it's left you a
victim for the rest of your life. Oh no, for
those women out there at the moment that are trying
to think about how they're going to save their babies
and themselves, you know, it can feel like you're going
to be victim forever.
Speaker 2 (33:01):
And you know, you've got a story.
Speaker 1 (33:02):
To tell that says that there actually is a pathway
out and the relationship that you've got with your own baby, saying,
with your own children, and you can make a change. Yeah,
And the fact that you know you're so incredibly you know,
incredible at what you do. In fact, you know we'll best.
But you know, in that context, I think there's a
really strong message out there for you know, the mums
(33:24):
and some dads as well, that you know, there is
something and there is a path you know, to finding
your own level of fulfillment.
Speaker 2 (33:31):
And yeah, because it's scary. Yeah, and like there's no
shame of going through struggle either because like a lot
of it can be you don't want to speak about
the reason why we get so violent as well is
because we're depressed because we can't put food on the
table or we can't even get it. We don't feel
successful because we don't have a job, you know. So
(33:52):
I weigh all that stuff up as well. And a
lot of that why our men or women are so
violent is because there's not just because of what the
you know, their home but and what they've witnessed, but
it also it happens when they're failing and they feel
like they're not good enough and they're hopeless, so they
stress it out and take it out on the people
(34:14):
they love. Yeah, yeah, they do.
Speaker 1 (34:17):
I do want to touch on again just that kind
of how we can help, you know, certainly from my perspective,
I had a friend I suspected something. I just kept listening,
I kept asking, and it finally, you know, got to
the point where she said, yeah, I am being physically
hurt and I want to leave.
Speaker 2 (34:33):
So she came and stayed.
Speaker 1 (34:34):
Two days later she went back, you know, and I
let it go with love, do you know what I mean, Like,
no judgment. I'm here again, you know, like, let's have
coffee tomorrow. It's your choice.
Speaker 2 (34:45):
They sort of say.
Speaker 1 (34:46):
Sometimes it can take seven times to leave. Yeah, it
took her five, you know, And I just I share
that with people because we can be so quick to judge. Yeap,
you know, and why didn't you leave? And why can't you?
And it's your you know, like if you're willing to
put up with it, well that sounds like more your problem.
But it's just the psychological damage, yeah, going, it's just insane,
(35:08):
that lack of self esteem.
Speaker 2 (35:10):
Yes, it's the trauma. Yeah, it's the trauma. And so
they've held that and it's captivated and it's it's built
in you, and you're so scared. So when you do leave,
as soon as you hear their voice, you're scared and
you run back. Yeah, because you think that's the only
way you stay safe because if you keep running, you're
only going to get beaten up even more, or they're
(35:31):
going to find someone else to hurt. So it's that
fear of It's the fear of why they keep going back,
and it's all they know because when you're being stuck
in it for like eight years, five years, that's all
you know, and so it becomes your new normal. Yeah,
and so it's really hard to get out of it. Yeah,
and when you try it out of it sour soy
(35:53):
and interrupt you.
Speaker 1 (35:54):
It is so when you're in you're in fight mode,
which is quite different than the fight mode you're in now.
Speaker 2 (35:58):
Yeah, But when you're in.
Speaker 1 (36:00):
Fight for your own daily survival mode, it must be
exhausting looking.
Speaker 2 (36:06):
At signs, waiting knowing what.
Speaker 1 (36:08):
Could happen to you that you're gonna be half asleep
and a crowbar bloody wet across you. I mean that
is mentally as well as obviously just exhausting.
Speaker 2 (36:18):
It is because you're constantly even like I was too
scared to go to the shops and stuff because I
would be scared, like where's he gonna pop out? Yeah?
And I would even check my like my car, like
my tires because if it's been marked, I know, okay,
he's there, found my car. Simple things like that, or
mark my letter box. They know where I live now. Yeah,
it's like simple little things. And I'm constantly living in
(36:40):
a shadow, like looking over my head and like being like,
oh my gosh, where are they. He's here, he's coming.
So you just feel safer when you're with them because
you're just like, you're not getting tormented. It'll traumatize when
you're away from it. Yeah, when you're trying to escape
your your there's so much demons going in your head.
Speaker 1 (37:00):
So you've said that you've forgiven your ex husband, Yes,
and I find see you're just an enigma to me.
Speaker 3 (37:09):
You're fascinating. So how did you find that forgiveness? It
all started with my son, my metal child. As you know,
he's the youngest out of the three to my ex.
You know, he was in a very bad state. He's
eleven now, but nine years old. He wanted to commit
suicide and he was in a very dark place. He
(37:30):
didn't want to be alive because he blamed himself for
what I had been through. But also he wanted to
speak to his father and he didn't know how to
speak to him, because if he spoke to him, he
felt like he was letting me down, Yeah, betraying you,
and so he didn't know what side to take, but
he was desperate for a dad.
Speaker 2 (37:50):
And so when I heard dad, it broke my heart.
And I didn't want to bury my baby. That's one thing,
and his mental health was the most important thing to me.
I don't know want my son feeling what I went through,
So I knew I had to change. I had so
much hate and guilt, like, so much hate and resentment
to him that I had to change. And look at him,
(38:13):
he staw the father, he saw the father. He gave
me this beautiful boy. He's my blessing. So I have
to separate that pain between me and him, as only
stays between me and him, not my kids. And don't
don't stop my children from speaking to their father. Allow
them to make their decisions. Because I didn't realize I
(38:34):
was causing more pain. And then I found out my
other two were suffering too because they were hurt. But
they were always going to choose mom because they wanted
to protect me. But they were hurting and suffering too
because they want to know their dad, and because I
made the decision because it was what I wanted for
them and not what they wanted. And so I changed that.
(38:55):
And when I saw what they wanted, it was actually good.
I started realizing that I'm controlling them and at the
same time I'm being him, and so I was like, wow,
I can't do that till my children. I've got to
make allow them to make their decision. And I didn't
(39:15):
realize I was already starting teaching them controlling and how
to be narcissistic, and I didn't want them to be
like him, and so I changed it and slowly, I man,
it was the hardest thing I ever done, was talk
to them and be like, you need to have a
relationship with your kids. And I said, all I want
(39:36):
is apology. I want apology for all you've done. That's
all I want, and let's get on and let's have
let's make a relationship for your children. And so he
gave me an apology and that's all I wanted to
and I said, I don't want to be hurt anymore,
and you're not going to hurt me anymore because I said,
I'll take you down, don't you worry. And so he
(39:59):
built a relationship with his kids. He spoke to them
on the phone all the time, and I allowed my
children to figure it out, not me controlling. Ye. I
stepped back and I would listen or allow someone to
listen and observe the speaking, because I didn't want silly
stuff spoken to my children, and so it was always supervised.
And my kids started figuring out who he rarely was,
(40:22):
and my daughter started figuring and she's like, oh, now
I understand. And so I allowed them to figure it.
But they needed to go through that them days through it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And it made my children stronger, but also it gave
them peace because then I showed them what I had
to show them, how to be a mother and also
(40:43):
how to be kind and gentle, and that through all
the pain and suffering, I still got kindness in my heart,
and so I had to show that because I don't
want to show even to my children.
Speaker 1 (40:54):
And what is for me also remarkable is that you
know even through you know this time that we've been together,
and you're telling the story that is quite frankly horrific
and something that most of us can't even imagine living
in a data You actually haven't been running him down.
You've been telling the truth and you've been telling the story,
but not not in being absolutely disparaging to him, which
(41:16):
is you know, I say, I find remarkable when you've been.
Speaker 2 (41:19):
Through as much rude as you have. Well, the reason
why I don't run him down is because he's my
kid's father, and so if I'm going to run him down,
I'm running my children down because that insults them. And
that's the worst thing you want to hear is, oh,
your dad's this and this. I never ever spoke to
my kids like that, because I'm already setting them up.
(41:40):
If I talk to them like that, then I'm already
teaching telling them their father's and monster when it should
be I shall be allowing them to grow and teach
them how to deal with their own emotions and coping mechanisms.
I'm not teaching them if I tell them.
Speaker 1 (41:54):
No, I've got step children, and we're just saying in
our family that A we don't do haves. So you
don't have half siblings, you don't have you know, it's
kind of the Mardi way.
Speaker 2 (42:04):
No, we don't. We don't do that.
Speaker 1 (42:05):
You know, I mean, you're a sister, you're my brother,
or you're like, you know, like you're my child, you know,
my my steep daughter's my baby. You know, it doesn't
take away from her own mother, but I equally I
get to choose the rules in my house. Yes, and
that is kindness and respect, yes, you know, because yeah,
that's their mum.
Speaker 2 (42:21):
And amazing you say that because my son, like my
three oldest, they have two siblings that have got different
dads and you know, they went to Kittera. My daughter
just started utter and they were like, oh, is there
your house is He goes, No, that's my full sister.
And they're like but different last name. And I was like, no,
that's my full sister. Do you dare? Yeah?
Speaker 1 (42:43):
My son's like no, just tell him, Just tell him now,
who just needs to go? I don't do anything, but halves, Yeah,
he just says, no, it's my full sister. Hey, I'm
in the sleep. Like you're an ambassador for I am
hope right. Thank you for giving back, because you know,
we've got to right with you, stand up and we've
got to be counted for and do our things. And
(43:03):
I genuinely also just want to say thank you for
like putting yourself out there and telling your story because
There'll be a lot of people that will get strength
from it, and it's pretty incredible.
Speaker 4 (43:13):
Oh thank you, Yeah, yeah yeah.
Speaker 1 (43:25):
I normally ask at this point is what is some
of the best advice you've ever had? But I feel
like in this I've had some of the advice I've
ever been.
Speaker 2 (43:32):
The best advice I've ever been even, which is you.
Speaker 1 (43:35):
Know, like you can find strength, and you can equally
sort of reach out and get the help that you need,
and you can find forgiveness.
Speaker 2 (43:42):
One hundred percent.
Speaker 1 (43:43):
So that's certainly what I've taken from you.
Speaker 2 (43:45):
And what I have to say is just aspire the
next generation. Like we get so fixated at ourselves, don't
forget what's behind you. We've got our kids look up
to us where you know, people say, oh, but they
look up to the role like celebrities, but our children
where us parents where our children's greatest role models. And
(44:07):
so we need to lead by example. So how we
present ourselves and how we put ourselves olves into that world.
Our kids are watching us ten times even better than
what the other kids are watching. So lead by example
because there's greatness right in front of us, and that's
what we neglect and us as people. For every single
person out there, you are great. There's greatness and you
(44:31):
you're staring right at it by showing up every day
is greatness. That is true greatness. You don't need a
trophy or someone to tell you you're great. Showing up is great.
That is greatness. Yeah, it is. Thank you me and
MO two. Can you please just keep going forward in
conquering the world. That'll be quite nice for us, and.
Speaker 1 (44:51):
We can continue to be proud of you and your
boxing career and what you're doing there, but quite genuinely
keep going forward and looking after our babies and and
reminding us all that that's who we put at number one,
so all the best and getting that Allie Scottney fight back.
Speaker 2 (45:07):
And that's it.
Speaker 1 (45:07):
Everyone for another episode of Ask Me Anything. I'm getting
an emotional now because you know, like it's been one
of those ones. But if you've enjoyed this episode, please
follow Ask Me Anything on iHeartRadio or where you get
your podcasts. Make sure you check out some of our
past fabulous guests while you're there, Go and check me
out on Celebrity Island if you want.
Speaker 2 (45:26):
Make sure that you tune in.
Speaker 1 (45:27):
For the next fight because we've got to keep supporting here.
I'll be back next Sunday with a fabulous guest. I'm
probably been to ask me anything. Goodbye,
This episode of Asked Me Anything mentioned suicide and talks
about domestic violence. If you or anyone you know needs help,
please find the contact numbers in the episode notes of
this podcast.
Speaker 2 (00:12):
Hello.
Speaker 1 (00:12):
I am Paula Bennett and welcome to my new Zealand
Herald podcast Ask Me Anything.
Speaker 2 (00:27):
Now.
Speaker 1 (00:27):
One thing I've learned in life is it's never too
late to learn something new. So on this podcast, I
talk to people from all walks of life to hear
about how they got to where they are and get
some advice and guidance on some of life's biggest questions. Today,
an incredible woman joins me on the podcast, Mia Motu,
also known as the Night Maya Maya.
Speaker 2 (00:47):
Is a professional.
Speaker 1 (00:48):
Boxer, the current IBO World super Bantamweight Champion. She's undefeated
in her pro boxing career. She's an absolute inspiration and
I am so glad to have her here today. Hi Maya, Hello,
thanks for having me. I'm really excited. Okay, we'll do
a quick for our question. You can't really go to
(01:09):
the pubs and we stalkland. We're both worked out with
were stays because we don't really have them, which is
really it's ridiculous.
Speaker 2 (01:15):
But we'll get to that another time. But if you
could go to.
Speaker 1 (01:18):
A night or at night out or something like that,
who would the celebrity be? Who would the person be
that you'd like to spend your time with. That's a
good one, right, Yew's interesting? Well who would you like
to ask questions to the evenet a chance? Oh?
Speaker 2 (01:32):
You must have some boxing heroes? Oh, I was thinking
just to New Zealand. Sorry, no, it's talking about just
dream Oh Canelo Alvarez. I don't know who that is.
He's a professional boxer, I really yeah? And why oh?
Because of us boxing skills. It's just he's my favorite
fighter and he's just amazing. And how it keeps all
(01:55):
us basic boxing skills just real simple? Really?
Speaker 1 (02:00):
Yeah, Okay, I'm going to leap straight into it because
I don't get it. Yeah, because it's not me right,
the thought of someone punching me in the face or
me punching them in the face. I just I just
don't get it. But you love it, Ah, I love
it like O. So tell me what it is you
love about boxing so much?
Speaker 2 (02:19):
What I love about boxing? Really? I find who I
am and I feel like everyone's silent and it's just
me and my opponent in the ring, and I find
and I discover something new about myself every time I fight.
Speaker 1 (02:30):
So even when there's all that chaos and noise going
on around you, you're in a quiet zone in the
middle of you know, what is a fierce competition that
involves punching each other, But you go into a different zone.
Speaker 2 (02:46):
Is that what you're saying? Yes, I go into a
different zone. I go into my silent zone of just
me and finding who I am, because I feel like
every time I fight there's something new about me and
I learned something new about me every time.
Speaker 1 (03:00):
Is that and do you mean that in the way
of your ability to keep going or you know?
Speaker 2 (03:05):
What is it? What are those types of things that
you learn about yourself? Then in that zone, I learned
basic life skills being in that ring. Really yeah, how
to survive, well, yeah, how to survive, but also how
to be calm, how to be relaxed and really look
at not just in the ring, but how I attack
(03:26):
my life. Yeah. Well yeah, because you've bought.
Speaker 1 (03:29):
Through, right, I mean, you won that championship, Am I right?
With a broken rib?
Speaker 2 (03:34):
Yes? I mean there, I just see I don't get there.
How did you work through that pain because he must
have been pain right, Oh, there was pain, but I
can block it and literally what goes in my head
is like nothing as hard as giving birth. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I think if our body can go give birth and
we go through different hormones and challenges and pain and
(03:57):
suffering mentally and physically, then I can in the ring
and I can handle that pain. Yeah. In fact, does
the pain in some level fuel you or.
Speaker 1 (04:06):
Does it you know, like, can you can you find
another place that keeps you going?
Speaker 2 (04:11):
Yeah? I definitely find another place. And it's it's it's
so hard to describe it because it's just like I
switch off and I just go, Okay, I can do this,
and I just believe in myself. Wow. I find like
I switched from that pain and I turn it to belief.
Yeah yeah, And I just feel like you can do
this no matter what. I freaking love it.
Speaker 1 (04:32):
See I don't get it, yeah, but I love people
that are just so passionate and so good at what
they do.
Speaker 2 (04:38):
And that's you, right, yes, one hundred percent.
Speaker 1 (04:40):
But you came to it a bit what so you
were boxing amateur young? Yes, I was in the family
kind of thing, and then you didn't go pro until
what four years ago?
Speaker 2 (04:50):
Yes? And am I right of you had to baby
between then and now. Yes, So while you've been a
pro boxer, you've had a child. Oh not during PROBA.
When I started pro, had a baby and she was
only about six months. See that's amazing.
Speaker 1 (05:06):
Yeah, because, as you say, with childbirth and what it
does to us as women, to our bodies, you know,
even your ability physically and mentally to bounce back from
that so quickly just absolutely astounds me.
Speaker 2 (05:18):
Yeah. I don't know, Like I even freak out it myself,
like what I'm capable of doing? And I'm like wow,
But it always brings back to I always go back
to like I gave birth, I pushed my children out.
I can handle anything. Yeah. Yeah, I mean it's a
good lesson for it's all right. Yeah, it's like really
amazing to see what our body like I literally birth,
(05:40):
giving birth really woken me up to know what our
body is capable of doing. And we put our own roadblocks,
That's what I realized. We we we make excuses and
we put our own roadblocks to be like, Okay, this
is as far as I can go. But really, when
in birth, we don't have a choice. I want to
push it out and handle the pain or they just
(06:03):
cut you open. But I wanted to push it out. Yeah,
and still had to handle it. And we suffer not
just through the birth, but the whole duration of nine months. Yeah, yeah,
which is it's challenging.
Speaker 1 (06:15):
Yeah, that physicality of a day is just what people
don't get. Okay, I'm just go back to boxing, and
then we do need to talk about these five children
for those that are listening.
Speaker 2 (06:24):
Five Yes, I did stay five.
Speaker 1 (06:26):
So let's go to the cancelation of your Unification world
title fight against Alie Scottney. So because that was going
to be a big one for you, right the win.
Is it going to happen?
Speaker 2 (06:37):
Well, it was meant to happen definitely this year. Last
weekend just been I should have thought. But it looks
like it's going to happen next year early next year,
and I know it's one hundred percent is going to happen,
but it's just when she's ready. We're waiting on her.
So we heard about what injury she's got. She had
a carve muscle injury.
Speaker 1 (06:56):
Okay, Yeah, it doesn't sound like she's pushing through the pain.
Speaker 2 (06:59):
Just say it. Yeah, but I guess that for her,
she's making sure she has to be one hundred percent. Yeah, true, Yeah,
so she's.
Speaker 1 (07:07):
Going to be You're going to beat her, yeah, right,
So if she's going in with a bit of an
injury then yeah, so she's.
Speaker 2 (07:15):
Just taking a bit of time. So does she have
to fight you? Yes?
Speaker 1 (07:19):
Yeah, she can't avoid me because she holds the title
and then you have to defend your title. Yes, you can't,
just because you know, I could get a title and
then just sit there for the next fifty years and
just go on it's mine.
Speaker 2 (07:29):
No, But I've been made mandatory, so I've worked hard
to get to her. Yeah, I've worked my way up
the ladder and I've done everything properly, and so she can't.
She can't turn me away or anything because I'm I'm
actually ranked higher than her now because I fought and
I moved up with the rankings, so I'm ranked higher
than her. But I made mandatory and she has to
(07:51):
fight me. Where's she from She's from England. Yeah, And
so what does this fight mean to you? Oh? This
fight means everything. You know. It's not just for me,
it is for us here, for our next generation, our kids,
and for our people here in New Zealand to showcase
that we have greatness here and that if we set
our mind to it, we can actually do it. So
(08:11):
I want to prove to our kids, just in a
small little country of New Zealand and we don't have
all the facilities like they do overseas, that we can
do it in our own backyard and we produce champions.
You're a legend.
Speaker 1 (08:24):
You're absolutely amazing, and it just absolutely stunds. We said,
what do you do in the meantime? Do you take
other fights? How do you keep your how do you
keep your grit? How do you keep the fierceness? How
do you keep the fitness up?
Speaker 2 (08:35):
So I'm still training, still keeping active and still working
hard on the gym, not as hard as what I'm
normally doing because us just tape it down a little
bit just to also make sure I'm looking after myself
and I don't burn myself out, and just wait for
her to call the date. We're waiting for them to
call the date. Once she calls a date, then we'll
lock in our training camp and we'll start hard training again.
Speaker 1 (08:57):
It's amazing. Okay, So how on earth. Do you juggle training,
life and everything else?
Speaker 2 (09:03):
In five kids? So we're aged from what three or four?
Four years old? Four? That's to seventeen years my oldest.
Speaker 1 (09:11):
Wow. Yeah, Wow, that's a lot, is it? How are
you just going to have to be organized?
Speaker 2 (09:15):
Don't you? I have to make myself organized sometimes it's challenging,
but I'm lucky. I've got lots of support. So I
have lots of family support and also my gym supports me.
So if if it comes to a hard time where
I can't, I've got no other support for my kids.
I bring them to training. They come along with me.
Oh do they? Yes? Yeah?
Speaker 1 (09:34):
And older ones? Can you see that fighting in them?
Can you do you think they might? No?
Speaker 2 (09:39):
No, there's no fighting. Definitely. My oldest boy, he's a
professional long bowler, so he's got no passion for boxing.
He's only got passion for balls. I love that.
Speaker 1 (09:52):
I don't really well, I do care what you're into,
but you know what I mean. If you've got a
passion for something, ah, and it turns the light on
in your eyes, then just people that then dedicate themselves
to it and go for it.
Speaker 2 (10:02):
So where will he end up? What would he do
with it. So he wants to be a professional bowler,
and he's already made them his yelling team and he's
heading off to Melbourne and next month. Wow. Yeah, so
he's doing really well. I just think that's outstanding.
Speaker 1 (10:17):
So here you are a woman who's won a tied
with a broken rib, who's fought with a dislocated shoulder, who,
as you know, potentially one of the toughest women. You
know that I'm sitting opposite, and yet Celebrity Treasure Island
took you out.
Speaker 2 (10:30):
Oh that's exactly what my daughter said to me. Yes,
so she's like, oh wow, She's like, oh, Celebrity Treasure
Island took you up, but boxing couldn't. Yeah. Yeah, yeah,
it was my house. I was not really sick. I
don't do too well with the cold, and especially because
I doesn't have my medicine and my medication, I deteriorated.
(10:54):
And because I had pneumonia at the same time. Oh no,
why didn't you have your medicine and meat dcations Because
I didn't. Because they check us, you know, they check
our bags. You're not how to take it. I thought
we went allowed our and our medication, and I thought
they like I gave them the list of what I have,
and I thought that they would bring it because I
thought I was sticking to the rules, you know. Yeah,
(11:15):
you were all like, if you give me the rules,
I'll stick to the rules. And I don't like breaking
any roles. So I stuck to the protocol. They searched
my bags and everything, and so I was thinking, Okay,
the medics will know my history and everything, and thinking
that they would have all the medicine. But no, they didn't, and.
Speaker 1 (11:33):
They stood of sitting on the programming because you don't
hear body fat, right, because you're just so extremely fat
that unlike someone like me, who could you know, live
in the cold for a long time with my extra layers,
you would feel it more. So you had pneumonia, you
were unwell, you didn't have your medications, and then you
would have been driving yourself hard. I imagined through that,
and yeah, it just got Yeah, it hurt me really.
Speaker 2 (11:55):
Quick, but it took a couple of days because I
was sick five days ago and I told them and
they were soap, but also being like poor diet. Yeah,
so that was even hard. And because I eat a
lot of fruit and vegetables, so to not have any
fruit or anything. It was completely different. And also getting
(12:16):
our own water and all that was a challenge. So
I drink a lot of water and my body wasn't
getting that. And then but what shut me down was
that I hit We stood in the cold for about
two to three hours and it was pouring with rain
and we were saturated wet, and because they have to
transport us to our cabins, so they had to go,
(12:37):
they transported the first team and then we were last.
Speaker 1 (12:41):
So I was still you were extra time in the
freezing cold. So we were extra time in the cold.
Speaker 2 (12:47):
It's probably not good for someone who's got pneumonia, yes, fear,
And like I was like, I didn't realize what happened
because I was like, AHM fine, And I didn't realize
they were taking me out because I was like, nah,
don't take me, I'm fine, and they're like, no, we
got to get we got to warm you up, and
they didn't have any place to keep me warm, so
they had to take me off the island just to
look after me. Did you enjoy it? Would you do it?
Speaker 1 (13:10):
Because you weren't that king to start with that, and
it was your coaching that wind step outside your comfort zone.
Speaker 2 (13:14):
Yeah, I wasn't keen to do it because I was fighting. Yeah,
and so what how what what also didn't work out
is because I was training at four thirty in the
morning and the freezing cold beer feet, which I shouldn't
have done. And I was doing it every morning and
every night. So that's why I wasn't getting better either.
But one hundred percent I'll do it again, and next
(13:34):
time I won't do it with a fight. And did
your kids think you should do it? Were they? Did
they think yes? Or they didn't even know? No, you
were you see you're a rule follower. Yeah, yeah, I
didn't know. It wasn't until I got back and they
were like, why is mom in the hospital?
Speaker 1 (13:51):
But you wouldn't mind a bit of the hardship the way.
But see, I just don't get it, says you say
you can't. You're not even giving you water. You're gonna
go and get that. You don't get your fruit and
v GE's you don't get it comfortable bed. No, you
know it's cold, but you would why because of the challenge.
Speaker 2 (14:05):
Oh, I love the challenge and I love taking myself
to a whole nother uncomfortable zone. And I know, see,
like I've never been through that situation, and I learned
something out of that. And so the good thing is
I learned like, don't have a fight going into those
type of things. Yeah, and look after your health a
bit better. Yeah.
Speaker 1 (14:22):
Yeah, we're gonna come back really soon and we're going
to talk more about you personally and your journey to
get to where you are. And it's certainly a history
of a domestic violence in there and everything else.
Speaker 2 (14:34):
And I think it's just so important.
Speaker 1 (14:35):
For people to hear that because we all know someone yes,
and so we've got to keep learning those lessons. So Locke,
let's take that break now and we'll be back really shortly.
(14:56):
Welcome back, everybody. I am joined by Mia Motu, also
known as Night Mea, and she is a professional boxer
and our IBO World super bantamweight Champion. I actually feel
like I could have been one of those people that
what the broadcasters what are they?
Speaker 3 (15:10):
And mea mold professional boxer other presenters Yah, yeah, quite
like that.
Speaker 1 (15:19):
Your path to the top hasn't been plain sailing, right, Like,
I mean, man, you what you got? You know, you
moved to Auckland from Northland. Yes, Northland's in your heart?
Speaker 2 (15:28):
Am I right? Yes, yes, my home. It is amazing
the way it is beautiful.
Speaker 1 (15:33):
My grandmother rest in pace is used to say your
soul gets renewed when you get past funa day.
Speaker 2 (15:42):
Yes, it does. That's so true.
Speaker 1 (15:44):
Yeah, and it's well I think it's absolutely true as well.
There's just something that kind of yeah, it's a it's
a breath a you.
Speaker 2 (15:53):
Know, everything goes away. Yeah, yeah, yeah yeah.
Speaker 1 (15:56):
But when you were relative, how old were you when
you moved to Aalkland and about twelve years old.
Speaker 2 (16:01):
Yeah, that's a tricky time as well, isn't it. Yes,
you're into your teenage. You just transform into your teenage
and you're.
Speaker 1 (16:08):
A baby, and yet you think you're older and you're
confused and friends me and everything, and you're taken out
of that place in your soul and moved to stinky Auckland.
Speaker 2 (16:19):
Yeah, and everything's so big and flash Yeah, out of
my comfort zone and scary.
Speaker 1 (16:25):
And I mean because there's kids up in Northland that
haven't even been defunk at a No.
Speaker 2 (16:29):
Yeah that's true.
Speaker 1 (16:30):
Yeah, people don't know there like we all think that
everyone's done everything. No, but the reality is it can
be beautifully isolating. I want to say, you know, that's
how I felt. Yeah, before I left home, like I
felt like I had seen the world. Yeah, like home
is so like it seemed so big. So you were
quite a green naive moving to the big smoke. Yeah, struying,
(16:55):
trying to find your grove and everything else. And I
presume that with your troubles at home, you know, that
was that kind of testing for you. I didn't really
have trouble at home.
Speaker 2 (17:04):
Like I was brought up, was really great parents and
aunties and uncles, you know, and great cousins. Wasn't until
I hit my teenagers. Then that's when like my dad
drifted away and everything started to fall apart.
Speaker 1 (17:19):
Yeah, and so you got all challenging. You got married
really young. Did you marry your first boyfriend?
Speaker 2 (17:25):
Yes? Yeah, Because I was brought up in a faith background, yeap.
And I'm very strong in faith, and so I always
stuck to that principle. And I always respected and honored
my mum's principles of that and her faith because you know,
she's the mother and sick to the rules. So that's
how I saw it, and that's all I knew really.
(17:45):
So you met him thought you were in love. I
thought I was love and I just wanted to grow
up real fast. I was looking for that male attention
because my dad had walked out and so and also
I lost my poppa, and so that was hard. So
I felt like all the males in my life had
walked out, and the ones that I loved dearly. My
(18:05):
dad was like my best friend, and so for him
to go and be taken away by another woman, it
was just really hard. And I wanted attention, but I
was seeking for that male attention. Yeah, And so I
just found it in my boyfriend. He was the next thing. Yeah.
And I was desperate for a male and he was
the male that I relied on and depend on. And
(18:26):
you got married. You got married, right. I got married.
I respected what my mom said, didn't want to get married.
I hated it. Yes, I hated that decision. I fought it.
But wow, I had How quickly did you have children
a year late? Oh?
Speaker 1 (18:40):
No?
Speaker 2 (18:40):
When I got married, I had my son already.
Speaker 1 (18:43):
Oh okay, So for me, it was singing, you would
have had you a baby at sixteen seventeen?
Speaker 2 (18:47):
Then seventeen seven? Had my son? Yeah, I was seventeen
when I hit my daughter and then straight away to
get married within like a couple of weeks because it
was a sin in my mom's eyes.
Speaker 1 (18:58):
Okay, so you're married. You were thinking, well, at least
i've got a you know, a male that loves me.
I'm you know, I'm a I'm in a loving relationship.
And then it didn't go that way.
Speaker 2 (19:08):
They did it? No, So what happened? I mean was it?
Did it?
Speaker 1 (19:11):
Do you feel like it was gradual or because we're
because he got quite violent?
Speaker 2 (19:15):
Yes? Yeah, so was it gradual? Could you see it happening?
It was? He slowly broke me down mentally first, so
he started controlling me first, and I didn't take any notice.
I was just like okay, and I started listening and obeying,
and just because every time I'd snap back and then
(19:36):
he'll retaliate, yelling at me. And I couldn't understand because
I was never raised there, so I was like, WHOA,
what's this? And it was very confusing. So he pulled
me away from my family and I started living with
his family. It was normalized to them. Yeah, And so
his dad would abuse his siblings and abuse the mother
and all that, and the aunties and every everyone around us,
(19:59):
and so he started following. And then because his dad
would be like, don't let her answer you back, show
her what you're made of, and so he would retaliate
with violence, and I was like, well the here cappin.
I was so confused. I was so lost because I've
never been hit in my life. I've only had a
smack on the hand by my parents, but I've never
been hit to the face, only in boxing. But it
(20:21):
was like actual first, and so I was stunned. I
didn't know what to do. I didn't know if I
should cry or show emotion. And I kind of was
like what was that for? And it was like you
need it, you deserve it. I shouldn't answer back, I
should respect to him, and I was like okay. So
I went to go run away and like head in
(20:41):
my own little corner. And then I went to go
reach out to a friend and she just called me
an idiot. So as soon as I heard those words,
I was you just shut down. I head. We're going
to keep talking about this journey.
Speaker 1 (20:56):
But I think because you know this is an advice segment,
I think this is one that's really important because we
do all know someone yes, you know, we might pretend
we don't. Yeah, well we might choose to, but we
actually do. So what could have a friend or a
relation of done at that point for you differently?
Speaker 2 (21:14):
That might have given you different choices. I just wanted
her to say, are you okay? I'm here for you.
That's all I wanted. I was desperate for that, because,
you know, having your dad walk out and stuff, you're
desperate for someone just to say you're okay, I've got you. Yeah,
you just want someone to hold you. Yeah, and for
(21:36):
her to call you an idiot, You've you feel so ashamed. Well,
you've just been victimized again. Yeah.
Speaker 1 (21:42):
Right, so you're being victimized. You started believing you are
an idiot. Yes, he's been telling you and physically hurting
you enough that you start believing it. And then the
people that you're that you reach out to does the
same thing.
Speaker 2 (21:54):
Yeah, And so it's not they're not they're not actually
abusing me physically, but they're abusing me emotionally.
Speaker 1 (22:02):
Yeah, and so that was that was more hurtful too. Yeah,
so I'll shut down both ways. So because it's if
for you to have reached out was incredibly brave. Yes,
so if you are, oh, I always call it someone someone.
Speaker 2 (22:15):
You know, we've all got to be someone someone. It's yes,
different points, right.
Speaker 1 (22:19):
So if you're the chosen someone, then we need to
take a breath, We need to listen, We need to
reach out with love and adaha. Yes, don't don't what
about fixing the problem, because sometimes you can't. I don't
mean that really, but you know what I mean. Sometimes
you just got to listen, do you.
Speaker 2 (22:36):
All we want is just when I was in that
stuck in that I just wanted someone to listen to
me and hold me and give me the courage, Give
me courage. Just give me courage so I can build
confidence to speak because when you're stuck in there, all
you can see is just the hurt and pain, and
you just need someone to relieve that hurt and pain.
And once that hurt and pain is relieved, then you're
(22:59):
you're building the confidence is to speak up. But if
you've got to keep shutting down, you're silencing me more. Yeah,
and I'm living in that fair and shame. Yeah.
Speaker 1 (23:08):
So and then so I keept kind of escalating and
you're having babies, yes, right, And I mean what and
you've have you have you tried to talk to family
and police and you know, like or is he just
so mentally shut you down that you're you feel like
you don't can't see a way out.
Speaker 2 (23:26):
So I did speak to family, and I did like
my uncles and stuff and like just distance family, and
I did speak to police and stuff, and I reached
out try to get him rested and stuff. But I
never won that. So, like my family would get hurt
by the gang because he comes from my gang family,
like my uncle try to help me. So many times
he got beaten up and then he got put on
(23:47):
the cells. Like he was so confused because he was
reaching out to the police's help, but they knew they
know the system. Yeah, the gangs know the system, and
he knew the system. And so when I did order
to the police, he'd be like, Okay, i'll see you
out in another twenty and twenty four hours. Don't worry,
I'm coming for you. And I'd be like, what, no,
you're getting locked up. Yeah, once I got Once it
(24:11):
went to court, he was innocent because his was like
his words were, oh, no, how do you know it
was me? There's no proof that it was me? Wow? Yeah,
And then he'd say, oh, that's from boxing. She does
she trains boxing. How do you know that was me? Yeah, yeah,
she's a liar. Yeah. So I was always made out
like I was a liar and making false accusations against him.
(24:35):
So I would always lose when I went to court.
But men, you were brave to do that, Yeah, like
really brave. Like one young woman that I worked with
and helped, and you know, he did get locked up
and he would literally she would wake up and again
member would be standing at the end of her beard
till in the morning, just saying me watching you, you know,
(24:56):
And it was just intimidation to let her know that,
you know. And then at one stage and they beat
up the petrol attendant, yes, because they were watching her
all the time and she was too fluty with him.
And that's why I was so scared to tell my
family because I didn't want my family getting hurt because
he would make threats like that. And it's the same
(25:16):
like I would wake up in the morning, was like
a crowbar coming to my body and I'll be half asleep. Yeah,
because he would always find a way out because once
a week to court, he was like, you can take
it to the police, but he was like, good luck,
see you and cook I would always get out and
he always got out because he was always he was
never guilty. Wow, So it was hard. You say that
(25:39):
your kids saved you?
Speaker 1 (25:41):
Yeah, yes, yeah, And was that because you had no
you know, so you had a reason to get out
because they do give you an amazing strength.
Speaker 2 (25:50):
Oh yeah, those kids. And like I was lucky that
my oldest son didn't really witness much because I quickly
gave him to my aunties and I just told them, like,
please just look after him. He saw me get hit
by a car and run over, and so that was traumatizing.
But my daughter was my saving grace and my second child.
(26:12):
She's witnessed so much. She saved me so many times.
I've been drowned, I've been had my head to the
toilet everything. She's watched me be stabbed, and she saved
me so many times, and it was her. The last
one was when she wanted to risk her life to
save me, and that was the turning point for me.
And how did she do that. She jumped in front
(26:34):
of it. She jumped in front of the knife. She
she grabbed his hand and the knife just missed me.
It hit me, but like it missed my chest and stuff.
She was young, she was about seven eight, she was
only young. I'll never forget the day it was white
tonguey and it was her. They saved my life. But
the strength and courage and that fairness that my daughter carried,
(26:58):
I thought, why can't I care that? And that was
the day that I built the courage and strength was
when I saw her trying to save me because she
wanted to keep me alive, because she wanted me to
be there for her siblings. Yeah, for her two brothers. Yeah.
And I was like, no way, I'm not doing this
to my daughter. She don't deserve this. And so I
(27:21):
built the courage and stood up to them, and I
stopped living in fear. I still was scared of her,
still scared of her, but of course I built the
guts to be like, nope, let's go. I'll take you
to court and I don't care how long it's going
to keep. And where did you go? I went to
my family, Yeah, okay, and I slowly started breaking down
and telling them little things, but I didn't tell them
(27:43):
the full depth. I only told them a little bit,
and they kind of knew and so they were like
they helped me, support me and sheltered me, but at
the same time he was still coming. He got arrested,
went to prison, but still tore meed me even in prison. Yeah,
I had his friends and all that come to my
(28:05):
house threat to me. I will be walking on the
street with my kids and they're threatened me because they
just didn't want me to n arc or snitch is
what they call it. Yeah, but I refused. I was like, no,
I'm fighting use Yeah, and you know, they kept trying
to challenge me. It took me years to keep fighting
against them. And it wasn't until I found boxing. Wow,
(28:26):
walked into my coach's gym, Peach Boxing. Yeah, it changed
that day.
Speaker 1 (28:31):
So how long ago did you did you would you
say that you got out of that relationship if you like?
Speaker 2 (28:37):
So I got out of the relationship. He had been
tormenting me for a good like four five years tor
meeting me, and I had got out of it ages ago,
but he still keep torturing me and traumatizing me and
still like even to this day, Like just at the
beginning there when he got released, because he thought we
(28:59):
were still together, he followed me and stalked me. God,
it's just so never just hard.
Speaker 1 (29:06):
Yeah, it's just hard to comprehend, and it's relentless for you.
Speaker 2 (29:10):
They're really Yeah, like I thought it was over after
so many years, but just at the beginning of there
he stalked me, followed me and knew my whole routine. Yeah,
And I was like wow, because I was I stopped
looking over my shoulder and I was like, wow, he's
still stalking me, and he still believes we're still together.
Speaker 1 (29:27):
So it is incredible that you're speaking out, you know,
in the context of the act. Yeah, you know, you
sort of talk about courage and strength. I'd argue you
had it, You've had it your whole life. But it
is particularly courageous that you're speaking out when you've had
an incident with him as recently as this year.
Speaker 2 (29:45):
Yeah, So why are you speaking out? Because I'm sick
of I was sick of seeing our people suffer, you know,
And I've seen so many women and males commit suicide
or just give up, and they've got children and they
leave them behind, and the cycle follows and it carries on,
and it gets passed on because it becomes a normalized behavior.
(30:09):
And I'm tired of it, and I don't want that
for my kids. I don't want my daughter or my
son following what I went through. And so if I
want to change the generation, I need to speak up
and I need to change that cycle and making a
different I want to support our kids because our kids
are seeing this. What hurts me the most is that
(30:32):
my kids had to witness what I went through and
the pain that they had to carry. Watching their mother
get hurt is quite traumatizing. And I'm lucky that I'm
in the stable position to support them and guide them
and give them enough love and support to change the
narrative for them. But for the kids that are actually
going through and witnessing their mother or their father getting
(30:55):
abused is traumatizing and that marks them for life.
Speaker 1 (31:00):
And we have to change a cycle, right, And I
know that change that's a horror, you know, like cliche ish,
But you know you were saying about his family and
his fan and that's what he's grown up with, and
it's what he's saying.
Speaker 2 (31:10):
Yeah, it's yeah, and that's all he's known. It's a
normalized behavior and that's why it's coming. It's like I've
seen so many kids. Just even now, our kids are
out there already abusing each other, and they're abusing their
parents as well, because it's a normalized behavior. And I'm
just tired of it. And I'll say, like, our poor
(31:30):
kids shouldn't be going through this, But it's because what
they're seeing and witnessing. It's not their fault. It's the
environment therein and because us women or males don't have
the courage, because we're ashamed of what society, how society
is going to view us, and how people and the
family are going to look at us. The biggest thing
(31:51):
is what I've learned is that we're too scared to
tell our family because we don't want the bigger, the
outer side of the family to look upon us and
look down on us and look at us at a
negative light, like, oh, that family's you know, they get
abused and stuff. And that's why we keep it silent. Yeah,
it's how they silence you with shame, with shame. Yeah.
(32:12):
And because we're so ashamed, we're too scared, like, oh no,
but that's that's uncle. We don't want to tell uncle's
abusing aunty, so we'd better stay quiet. Yeah, And that's
why our kids are saying quiet and they shouldn't have
to carry that. No, they shouldn't. And so that's why
I'm like, no, even if it's happening, because it is,
it's happening in families. Families need to speak up. Yeah,
(32:33):
stop living in that shame as you're a coward if
you're gonna sit down and watch it, even if it's
your own I.
Speaker 1 (32:40):
Think as well, me or what you are is a
really important you know, you all, hey, you're a world champion, right,
but then so you know, there's no way that for
all that's happened to you, that it's left you a
victim for the rest of your life. Oh no, for
those women out there at the moment that are trying
to think about how they're going to save their babies
and themselves, you know, it can feel like you're going
to be victim forever.
Speaker 2 (33:01):
And you know, you've got a story.
Speaker 1 (33:02):
To tell that says that there actually is a pathway
out and the relationship that you've got with your own baby, saying,
with your own children, and you can make a change. Yeah,
And the fact that you know you're so incredibly you know,
incredible at what you do. In fact, you know we'll best.
But you know, in that context, I think there's a
really strong message out there for you know, the mums
(33:24):
and some dads as well, that you know, there is
something and there is a path you know, to finding
your own level of fulfillment.
Speaker 2 (33:31):
And yeah, because it's scary. Yeah, and like there's no
shame of going through struggle either because like a lot
of it can be you don't want to speak about
the reason why we get so violent as well is
because we're depressed because we can't put food on the
table or we can't even get it. We don't feel
successful because we don't have a job, you know. So
(33:52):
I weigh all that stuff up as well. And a
lot of that why our men or women are so
violent is because there's not just because of what the
you know, their home but and what they've witnessed, but
it also it happens when they're failing and they feel
like they're not good enough and they're hopeless, so they
stress it out and take it out on the people
(34:14):
they love. Yeah, yeah, they do.
Speaker 1 (34:17):
I do want to touch on again just that kind
of how we can help, you know, certainly from my perspective,
I had a friend I suspected something. I just kept listening,
I kept asking, and it finally, you know, got to
the point where she said, yeah, I am being physically
hurt and I want to leave.
Speaker 2 (34:33):
So she came and stayed.
Speaker 1 (34:34):
Two days later she went back, you know, and I
let it go with love, do you know what I mean, Like,
no judgment. I'm here again, you know, like, let's have
coffee tomorrow. It's your choice.
Speaker 2 (34:45):
They sort of say.
Speaker 1 (34:46):
Sometimes it can take seven times to leave. Yeah, it
took her five, you know, And I just I share
that with people because we can be so quick to judge. Yeap,
you know, and why didn't you leave? And why can't you?
And it's your you know, like if you're willing to
put up with it, well that sounds like more your problem.
But it's just the psychological damage, yeah, going, it's just insane,
(35:08):
that lack of self esteem.
Speaker 2 (35:10):
Yes, it's the trauma. Yeah, it's the trauma. And so
they've held that and it's captivated and it's it's built
in you, and you're so scared. So when you do leave,
as soon as you hear their voice, you're scared and
you run back. Yeah, because you think that's the only
way you stay safe because if you keep running, you're
only going to get beaten up even more, or they're
(35:31):
going to find someone else to hurt. So it's that
fear of It's the fear of why they keep going back,
and it's all they know because when you're being stuck
in it for like eight years, five years, that's all
you know, and so it becomes your new normal. Yeah,
and so it's really hard to get out of it. Yeah,
and when you try it out of it sour soy
(35:53):
and interrupt you.
Speaker 1 (35:54):
It is so when you're in you're in fight mode,
which is quite different than the fight mode you're in now.
Speaker 2 (35:58):
Yeah, But when you're in.
Speaker 1 (36:00):
Fight for your own daily survival mode, it must be
exhausting looking.
Speaker 2 (36:06):
At signs, waiting knowing what.
Speaker 1 (36:08):
Could happen to you that you're gonna be half asleep
and a crowbar bloody wet across you. I mean that
is mentally as well as obviously just exhausting.
Speaker 2 (36:18):
It is because you're constantly even like I was too
scared to go to the shops and stuff because I
would be scared, like where's he gonna pop out? Yeah?
And I would even check my like my car, like
my tires because if it's been marked, I know, okay,
he's there, found my car. Simple things like that, or
mark my letter box. They know where I live now. Yeah,
it's like simple little things. And I'm constantly living in
(36:40):
a shadow, like looking over my head and like being like,
oh my gosh, where are they. He's here, he's coming.
So you just feel safer when you're with them because
you're just like, you're not getting tormented. It'll traumatize when
you're away from it. Yeah, when you're trying to escape
your your there's so much demons going in your head.
Speaker 1 (37:00):
So you've said that you've forgiven your ex husband, Yes,
and I find see you're just an enigma to me.
Speaker 3 (37:09):
You're fascinating. So how did you find that forgiveness? It
all started with my son, my metal child. As you know,
he's the youngest out of the three to my ex.
You know, he was in a very bad state. He's
eleven now, but nine years old. He wanted to commit
suicide and he was in a very dark place. He
(37:30):
didn't want to be alive because he blamed himself for
what I had been through. But also he wanted to
speak to his father and he didn't know how to
speak to him, because if he spoke to him, he
felt like he was letting me down, Yeah, betraying you,
and so he didn't know what side to take, but
he was desperate for a dad.
Speaker 2 (37:50):
And so when I heard dad, it broke my heart.
And I didn't want to bury my baby. That's one thing,
and his mental health was the most important thing to me.
I don't know want my son feeling what I went through,
So I knew I had to change. I had so
much hate and guilt, like, so much hate and resentment
to him that I had to change. And look at him,
(38:13):
he staw the father, he saw the father. He gave
me this beautiful boy. He's my blessing. So I have
to separate that pain between me and him, as only
stays between me and him, not my kids. And don't
don't stop my children from speaking to their father. Allow
them to make their decisions. Because I didn't realize I
(38:34):
was causing more pain. And then I found out my
other two were suffering too because they were hurt. But
they were always going to choose mom because they wanted
to protect me. But they were hurting and suffering too
because they want to know their dad, and because I
made the decision because it was what I wanted for
them and not what they wanted. And so I changed that.
(38:55):
And when I saw what they wanted, it was actually good.
I started realizing that I'm controlling them and at the
same time I'm being him, and so I was like, wow,
I can't do that till my children. I've got to
make allow them to make their decision. And I didn't
(39:15):
realize I was already starting teaching them controlling and how
to be narcissistic, and I didn't want them to be
like him, and so I changed it and slowly, I man,
it was the hardest thing I ever done, was talk
to them and be like, you need to have a
relationship with your kids. And I said, all I want
(39:36):
is apology. I want apology for all you've done. That's
all I want, and let's get on and let's have
let's make a relationship for your children. And so he
gave me an apology and that's all I wanted to
and I said, I don't want to be hurt anymore,
and you're not going to hurt me anymore because I said,
I'll take you down, don't you worry. And so he
(39:59):
built a relationship with his kids. He spoke to them
on the phone all the time, and I allowed my
children to figure it out, not me controlling. Ye. I
stepped back and I would listen or allow someone to
listen and observe the speaking, because I didn't want silly
stuff spoken to my children, and so it was always supervised.
And my kids started figuring out who he rarely was,
(40:22):
and my daughter started figuring and she's like, oh, now
I understand. And so I allowed them to figure it.
But they needed to go through that them days through it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And it made my children stronger, but also it gave
them peace because then I showed them what I had
to show them, how to be a mother and also
(40:43):
how to be kind and gentle, and that through all
the pain and suffering, I still got kindness in my heart,
and so I had to show that because I don't
want to show even to my children.
Speaker 1 (40:54):
And what is for me also remarkable is that you
know even through you know this time that we've been together,
and you're telling the story that is quite frankly horrific
and something that most of us can't even imagine living
in a data You actually haven't been running him down.
You've been telling the truth and you've been telling the story,
but not not in being absolutely disparaging to him, which
(41:16):
is you know, I say, I find remarkable when you've been.
Speaker 2 (41:19):
Through as much rude as you have. Well, the reason
why I don't run him down is because he's my
kid's father, and so if I'm going to run him down,
I'm running my children down because that insults them. And
that's the worst thing you want to hear is, oh,
your dad's this and this. I never ever spoke to
my kids like that, because I'm already setting them up.
(41:40):
If I talk to them like that, then I'm already
teaching telling them their father's and monster when it should
be I shall be allowing them to grow and teach
them how to deal with their own emotions and coping mechanisms.
I'm not teaching them if I tell them.
Speaker 1 (41:54):
No, I've got step children, and we're just saying in
our family that A we don't do haves. So you
don't have half siblings, you don't have you know, it's
kind of the Mardi way.
Speaker 2 (42:04):
No, we don't. We don't do that.
Speaker 1 (42:05):
You know, I mean, you're a sister, you're my brother,
or you're like, you know, like you're my child, you know,
my my steep daughter's my baby. You know, it doesn't
take away from her own mother, but I equally I
get to choose the rules in my house. Yes, and
that is kindness and respect, yes, you know, because yeah,
that's their mum.
Speaker 2 (42:21):
And amazing you say that because my son, like my
three oldest, they have two siblings that have got different
dads and you know, they went to Kittera. My daughter
just started utter and they were like, oh, is there
your house is He goes, No, that's my full sister.
And they're like but different last name. And I was like, no,
that's my full sister. Do you dare? Yeah?
Speaker 1 (42:43):
My son's like no, just tell him, Just tell him now,
who just needs to go? I don't do anything, but halves, Yeah,
he just says, no, it's my full sister. Hey, I'm
in the sleep. Like you're an ambassador for I am
hope right. Thank you for giving back, because you know,
we've got to right with you, stand up and we've
got to be counted for and do our things. And
(43:03):
I genuinely also just want to say thank you for
like putting yourself out there and telling your story because
There'll be a lot of people that will get strength
from it, and it's pretty incredible.
Speaker 4 (43:13):
Oh thank you, Yeah, yeah yeah.
Speaker 1 (43:25):
I normally ask at this point is what is some
of the best advice you've ever had? But I feel
like in this I've had some of the advice I've
ever been.
Speaker 2 (43:32):
The best advice I've ever been even, which is you.
Speaker 1 (43:35):
Know, like you can find strength, and you can equally
sort of reach out and get the help that you need,
and you can find forgiveness.
Speaker 2 (43:42):
One hundred percent.
Speaker 1 (43:43):
So that's certainly what I've taken from you.
Speaker 2 (43:45):
And what I have to say is just aspire the
next generation. Like we get so fixated at ourselves, don't
forget what's behind you. We've got our kids look up
to us where you know, people say, oh, but they
look up to the role like celebrities, but our children
where us parents where our children's greatest role models. And
(44:07):
so we need to lead by example. So how we
present ourselves and how we put ourselves olves into that world.
Our kids are watching us ten times even better than
what the other kids are watching. So lead by example
because there's greatness right in front of us, and that's
what we neglect and us as people. For every single
person out there, you are great. There's greatness and you
(44:31):
you're staring right at it by showing up every day
is greatness. That is true greatness. You don't need a
trophy or someone to tell you you're great. Showing up is great.
That is greatness. Yeah, it is. Thank you me and
MO two. Can you please just keep going forward in
conquering the world. That'll be quite nice for us, and.
Speaker 1 (44:51):
We can continue to be proud of you and your
boxing career and what you're doing there, but quite genuinely
keep going forward and looking after our babies and and
reminding us all that that's who we put at number one,
so all the best and getting that Allie Scottney fight back.
Speaker 2 (45:07):
And that's it.
Speaker 1 (45:07):
Everyone for another episode of Ask Me Anything. I'm getting
an emotional now because you know, like it's been one
of those ones. But if you've enjoyed this episode, please
follow Ask Me Anything on iHeartRadio or where you get
your podcasts. Make sure you check out some of our
past fabulous guests while you're there, Go and check me
out on Celebrity Island if you want.
Speaker 2 (45:26):
Make sure that you tune in.
Speaker 1 (45:27):
For the next fight because we've got to keep supporting here.
I'll be back next Sunday with a fabulous guest. I'm
probably been to ask me anything. Goodbye,
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