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August 21, 2024 13 mins

Alexander Terblanche knows the deal when it comes to relationships.

He has qualifications in psychotherapy, counselling, and human sexuality. He runs his own practice On Point Therapy, and is the relationship expert for Compatico

He has a wealth of knowledge and joins Simon Barnett & James Daniels to answer listeners' questions.

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Episode Transcript

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Speaker 1 (00:06):
You're listening to the Simon Barnett and James Daniels Afternoons
podcast from News Talks dB.

Speaker 2 (00:12):
Alexander tour Blanche is a relationship expert. He's got qualifications
and psychotherapy, counseling and human sexuality. He runs his own
practice on point Therapy. He's a relationship expert also for Competigo,
who joins us every fortnight.

Speaker 3 (00:25):
Hello there, Alexander, Hey Simon, Hey James. How's it going.

Speaker 2 (00:30):
Nice to talk to you and congratulations folks. Alexander's and
his wife have just had twins. That's right, is it?

Speaker 3 (00:36):
Yeah, that's right, twin girls about four weeks ago. How great?

Speaker 2 (00:40):
How's that going for you both? To sleep?

Speaker 3 (00:44):
It's amazing sleep wise.

Speaker 4 (00:46):
Yeah, I'm probably running on a combination of caffeine and
hopes of a brighter future.

Speaker 3 (00:55):
It's good. I'm loving it.

Speaker 5 (00:57):
Do you have other children? These are your first?

Speaker 3 (01:00):
Now, these are the first. We've gone in the DP
from the.

Speaker 2 (01:02):
Guys and a We two boys, two girls, boy and
a girl. What what of your head?

Speaker 3 (01:07):
Two girls, Sadie and Laila of you?

Speaker 2 (01:12):
Well, thank you very much for making time, because I
know it's precious.

Speaker 5 (01:16):
We've got a text here says Hi Alexander. I've been
in a new relationship for eight months. My new partner
is amazing. When I was married previously, I would do
everything I could for the woman in my life, and
as a result, I've been taken advantage of. My new
partner does so much more for me than I can
possibly do for her, And although my family say I

(01:37):
deserve it, I'm struggling with not being able to take
care of her as well as she does me. I
know it sounds crazy, should I feel this way? Says Mark?

Speaker 4 (01:48):
Right, Okay, recap eight months new relationship, previous marriages, Okay.

Speaker 5 (01:54):
Take an advantage of take and he's worried that his
new partner does so much more for me than he
does he could possibly do for her.

Speaker 4 (02:04):
Yeah, okay, Look, the reality is that most relationships will
have one partner who gives more and one partner who
receives more.

Speaker 3 (02:13):
That's a really common dynamic.

Speaker 4 (02:17):
What becomes problematic, I guess, is when those positions become
fixed and there's one person who's always giving and then
there's one person who always is receiving, And when that happens,
we end up feeling taken advantage of. So there's a
few things there. For those of us that do end
up in this giving position, often I find there's an

(02:40):
identsity thing tied up with that, meaning I'm more valuable
or I have more self worth when I'm able to give. Therefore,
when I'm unable to give as much, I feel a
little bit less valuable.

Speaker 3 (02:53):
My self worth is called into question.

Speaker 4 (02:55):
And interestingly, two individuals that tends to give.

Speaker 3 (03:00):
More tend to tend to resist the vulnerability that can
come from receiving. So was it Mark sorry that the text? Yes?

Speaker 4 (03:13):
So yeah, so Mark, if you're listening, and if anyone
else can identify with giving, what I would do is
to sort of reflect on what it means for you
to give and what it means for you to receive
in terms of comfort, in terms of vulnerability, and have
a conversation about that within the relationship and consider where

(03:33):
there are opportunities to work together to be a little
bit more, to have a bit more parity in the
giving and the receiving. And if you think that you're
fixed in this giving position, then my advice would be
to go and see professional support. So maybe have a
look at where there are opportunities to increase self worth

(03:54):
and openness to receiving.

Speaker 2 (03:56):
Okay, hey, good text here, Alexander says, the person doesn't
want to come on here and speak. They're too nervous
to embarrassed. But says my part and it goes on
a dating site every six months or so, sometimes more
frequently than that tells me she is looking for friends.
Is this strange or should I worry about it? And
how can I bring it up?

Speaker 5 (04:17):
I could answer that when I think you go for
it's that's very odd?

Speaker 2 (04:23):
And is it odd?

Speaker 4 (04:27):
Well, I mean it's interesting, it's it's There are two
ways to take that. So there are some dating apps,
for instance, Bumbles an example, where they do actually have
a feature where you can go on to find friends,
to actually make friends with individuals. So if that's what
she's meaning, then I don't see anything in particular wrong

(04:50):
with that.

Speaker 3 (04:50):
If she's going on to.

Speaker 4 (04:51):
Other men for her friends, then it becomes a little
bit more problematic. My rule of thumb, though, is if
it worries you, then it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.
It's warranting of a discussion in a relationship, and we
should be able to say this particular behavior makes me uncomfortable.
Is there a way in which we could adjust that.

(05:15):
In every healthy relationship should be able to find a
compromise if one person feels particularly uncomfortable.

Speaker 5 (05:22):
Thanks Alexander. Look, here's a question that comes from me.
Can people who are in a relationship, whether they be
married or living together, and let's imagine that it's a
man and a woman, can they have friends of the
opposite sex?

Speaker 2 (05:39):
Ok?

Speaker 3 (05:40):
Yeah, I think so. It's yeah. I mean, I think
that's incredibly healthy.

Speaker 4 (05:46):
To be honest, I don't think that there should be
any limitations on who we can and can't have friends with.

Speaker 3 (05:53):
But it's when those friendships become.

Speaker 4 (05:57):
Impactful to the primary relationship that concession needs to be had.
So for instance of someone spending a bit more time
with someone of the opposite sex, for instance, going out afterward, drinks,
spending time on weekends, and it's having an impact on
trust and worthiness, I guess of the other partner then
have a conversation. But by and large, members of the

(06:21):
opposite sex as friends when in a relationship should be
no issue.

Speaker 2 (06:26):
I like what you said there too about the primary relationship,
because I think sometimes that gets overlooked. What is your
primary relationship? Hey, there's a bunch of texts coming in here,
and we will take a quick break and then get
your thoughts. But as all we teaser and it's a
legitimate text from a person saying to our previous text,
friends with benefits is what that woman's looking for online.

(06:46):
So I'm going to ask you the question about you
ever think you can ever think? Is there such a thing?
Does it work? Can it ever work? Friends with Benefits?
We are joined by our relationship expert Alexander de Blanche,
who's taking your calls and texts. He's just so good
at what he does. Thank you mate for your time.
Now we're going to come back to the friends with
Benefits question because Lee is called and she's got an

(07:07):
excellent question and understandably quite nervous to come on. But
thank you Lisa, Thank me, Lisa and Alexander standing.

Speaker 6 (07:15):
By, well, I thank you.

Speaker 2 (07:19):
Just let you know when yep far away, yep, good
to go.

Speaker 6 (07:23):
Oh oh boy. It's been a really rough journey the
last few years. And my husband has PTSD and he
had done to therapy, but he claims he's getting worse.
I've taken him to marriage counseling, but he keeps living
in the past, and he seems to be blaming me

(07:44):
for a lot of things, and when I've suggested things
like trying different work because you know, we've been in
a bit of financial haircut, and that he's taking suggestions
as criticisms. But I noticed he pulled away from me
many years ago, and he he went online. His mother died,

(08:05):
he went online and made several profiles and been talking
to these girls and getting porn. And yeah, he's been
on mute almost twenty four to seven, especially the last
few months, and well, I can't get through to him,
but he keeps living in the past, and I feel
like he's silently divorcing me. And then I find these

(08:26):
messages saying, oh, my wife's a narsis and I just
went out, and boy, that's really it's guttering because I'm
nowhere like that. I'm empathetic and I'm compassionate, but I
wouldn't be trying so hard to get us marriage counseling
if I wasn't invested in it and I didn't care.
But I just can't get through to him. It's like
he's stonewalling meat almost twenty four to seven. Good question.

Speaker 3 (08:51):
Yeah, that's I think.

Speaker 4 (08:53):
Firstly, it sounds like a really incredibly hard position to
be in, and PTSD is significant. I don't think many
of us are really given enough credits to the impacts
that it has on the individual, but also for the
people that live with them, that are in relationship with them,
and so yeah, I think I think firstly, just that

(09:14):
is really really tricky. The best thing that you can
do is what you are doing, which is to sort
of continue to be available and to try and seek support.
It's it's so hard to navigate something like that alone.
And you know, it sounds like it's if we lose
someone close to us, we lose.

Speaker 3 (09:35):
You know, a mother, it can really push us into,
you know, a place of.

Speaker 4 (09:41):
Vulnerability and of seeking comfort and and you know, in others,
and for men in particular, often we can turn to
strangers because it's for whatever reason, it can be a
little bit easier to be sort of vulnerable, to feel
a sense of closeness and connection.

Speaker 2 (09:59):
What is to do about the pornography component there, Alexander,
because that must be horrible for you, Lisa.

Speaker 3 (10:07):
Is that sorry? Is that ongoing? At least it was that?
Was that something that was a one off?

Speaker 6 (10:12):
Yes? And he's he's et since they bought things with
you know, the notifications going off of all these bills
with phone numbers and all sorts of things for pornography.
He's hiding his phone twenty four to seven and he
can't even leave it just on the on the bench
while he goes and does the dogs, and he then

(10:32):
way out, he just puts it under the table and
he's texting away and I think that makes me feel
very uncomfortable, and I've told him that, but he's just
sort of huffs and size and looks away and stone.

Speaker 4 (10:42):
And yeah, yeah, look, it's none of those things are
doing anything too cerebuild trust, and you know it. It's
an incredibly tricky position to be in. What you can
do is it sounds like you are letting him know
the impact of that, you know, letting him know that

(11:03):
this is sort of not you know, behavior that's anything
to increase the closeness and that you want to be
able to be there and to support them. But he's
making it incredibly hard in particular the behavior that's sort
of showing up in.

Speaker 2 (11:18):
Your experience, Alexander. Sorry to jump in, but does an
ultimatum make any difference to someone in Lisa's situation saying oh,
I'm put up with this, so either you change or
it's over. Does that? Does that work?

Speaker 4 (11:30):
We need to be a little bit careful with ultimatums,
but I do think that there is a point where
if someone's not prepared to help themselves or not prepared
to have a conversation about how their behavior is impacting
the relationship, sometimes we need to be a little bit
more firm or a little bit more assertive and say, essentially, look,

(11:52):
this is this is not something that I'm willing to
put up with, you know, and there are opportunities that
we can do together to move through this. If you're
unwilling to go down that route, it's going to head
in the direction I don't want it to go. But
sometimes we need a bit of a shake up in
terms of you know this, this behavior is not okay,
and I'm not going to continue to accept it myself.

(12:16):
It's it's an awful position to be in, Lisa, and
I yeah, but it's yeah, it's tricky.

Speaker 3 (12:25):
It's tricky.

Speaker 2 (12:26):
Lisa, thank you very much for calling in and being
so brave.

Speaker 4 (12:30):
Good luck.

Speaker 2 (12:30):
Hopefully that helps, and thank you Alexander. We are just
that took a lot of time, but we're out of time,
so we're going to have to come back next fortnite.
Alexander with the friends with benefits question, because there's a
bunch of people now texting and saying that even their
partners have asked for a free pass. You'll know what
that means. Yes, and this is this does worry me

(12:51):
in twenty twenty four, how some of the stuff creeps in,
So we'll get your thoughts on that next time. If
that's okay, Alexander.

Speaker 3 (12:57):
Yeah, of course it sounds it sounds great.

Speaker 2 (12:59):
Thank you very much, Thanks so much. That is Alexander
to Blanche. He runs his own to practice. It's on
point therapy. He really is such a nice man and
so good at what he does. So we'll hear from
him again in a fortnight. So we couldn't get all
the texts and calls, but a lot of texts. You
can't cut a question like that off early.

Speaker 1 (13:15):
For more from Simon Barnett and James Daniels afternoons, listen
live to News Talks ed B or follow the podcast
on iHeartRadio.
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