Caravan Episode: Black Caps Vs England - 1st Test Day 2

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
No third umpire, no rewind, just raw dog commentary. This
is the alternative commentary collective. Oh thanks to the great
New Zealanders ad resin.

Speaker 2 (00:14):
I mean, interesting thing to discuss.

Speaker 3 (00:16):
Lee back out and if we're going to get into
it now is what we do with Tim Saudi on
his retirement.

Speaker 2 (00:22):
And more importantly, what we do with his seed. Well
that's right.

Speaker 4 (00:25):
I mean we're saying to micro flame Jerry, that is
a sense in which the DNA that is contained within
Tim Saudi, think about how valuable that is. Think about
how the technology these days creates options that mean we
could use that DNA.

Speaker 5 (00:41):
His works again bowling to Saudi, two slips and the
shapes away nicely, but more swing this morning for the
English bowlers. So far, that was a beautiful delivery from
what it's full and started off stump shaped away nicely,
drew south into the shot.

Speaker 3 (00:56):
So we're not suggesting that, you know, he has to
breed with anyone inarticular, but if we you can just
milk some of that seed, and if you could give
some of that seed back to New Zealand cricket, back
to the game, and then we can do with it
what we please, whether it's you know, using it to
create a super baby of some description, a supercricket baby.

Speaker 2 (01:17):
Yeah.

Speaker 5 (01:18):
What another slipper now, three slips in a galley for
Wokes bowling to Salia.

Speaker 2 (01:22):
Goes down the track and smashes him down the ground
for four. There we go. That's the Tim Sauvi that
we know and love.

Speaker 3 (01:29):
Yeah, a little kind of a little skip down the
wicket and he got didn't quite get all of it though,
did he But it's still down to four down in
mid on.

Speaker 6 (01:39):
Do you think they'll have a target in mind today?

Speaker 3 (01:42):
I mentioned this morning potentially three fifty, I think, just
as a an arbitrary type target. But during is saying
this morning, what's the average first thing score at Hagley?

Speaker 5 (01:52):
To eighty seven? Wow, so they've already surpassed that. A
Smokes comes in again, Boles to Sui. This one shapes
away again Sow he plays it from the crease to
gully and there's no run.

Speaker 2 (02:04):
First thing runs always so crucial.

Speaker 4 (02:06):
I often find when we look back at a at
a Test match loss with New Zealand, oftentimes will say
we lost it in that first innings. We didn't quite
score enough runs. And that's always one that comes back
to haunt us. You can play yourself back into the match,
but at some point you're going to be how to
account with your runs. So these runs really are crucial.

Speaker 5 (02:27):
So Howie's fourteen Phillips is forty two ball of the
overcoming up from Wokes. So Howie again plays from the crees,
drives it into the gap at cover. I'll just get one,
so stay on strike for the next over saw. He
moves to fifteen New Zealand three twenty five for eight.

Speaker 2 (02:45):
Can we still use Sir Richard Hadley's seed? That's a
good question, is isn't it.

Speaker 5 (02:50):
I did hang out with Sir Richard recently at his
place in Pegasus and christ Church. I understand he may
have had a prostrate operation recently. I know he definitely
has had a couple of hip replacements. Yeah, he's also
had a little bit of a it's a couple of
heart issues.

Speaker 2 (03:11):
I feel like he may have had prostate cancer. Yes,
so maybe not? Okay, how does that work?

Speaker 5 (03:16):
Can you still go into the testes and grab sperm
from someone who's had prostate cancer?

Speaker 6 (03:21):
I'm pretty sure it's medically possible.

Speaker 7 (03:22):
Yeah.

Speaker 4 (03:23):
Well, I think consent issues are our biggest problem with
this ploe guy thinking.

Speaker 5 (03:27):
Well, I think if you can go in and grab
the sperm, I don't see why he wouldn't be into it,
to be.

Speaker 4 (03:34):
Honest, really, Yeah, that's your read on him. Yeah, he's
that kind of guy, I think.

Speaker 2 (03:40):
So that's good for the game. He's cast bowling to Sauvi.

Speaker 5 (03:45):
This is high and there it's pulled away and there's
a man coming around underneath it from.

Speaker 2 (03:49):
Midwork and that is the end of Saudi.

Speaker 3 (03:54):
Was always gonna be as Innings was always going to
win like that, wasn't it, backing away and looking to
hike it over cow corner and falling into the trap.

Speaker 2 (04:03):
There was two men back on the fence.

Speaker 4 (04:07):
Wow, plastic, Tim SOUI, you don't die wondering, and you
don't wonder for long.

Speaker 5 (04:12):
How many bulls has he how many short balls have
got him out over the years, Tim Southy.

Speaker 2 (04:18):
Almost as many as he's bold.

Speaker 5 (04:20):
I reckon, So it smashes a four and it's a single,
and then he's gone. Tim Soudy gone for fifteen New
Zealand three twenty five for nine.

Speaker 4 (04:33):
So silver Linings, yeap Zippy will blaze. Now this could
be an interesting phase depending on how long we can
hold up the other end.

Speaker 2 (04:41):
Willow Rock on his home ground, you can hold a bat.

Speaker 3 (04:44):
Yeah, look willow Rock, He's he's no Chris Martin. No,
he's not a complete bunny. He has got a bad technique.
But he'd be looking to feed the strike to Zippy
from rainbow for sure.

Speaker 4 (04:58):
Poor old Zippy hasn't even had time to get set today.
Is going to have to blaze immediately. But if anyone
could do it, it's Glenn Phillips.

Speaker 3 (05:04):
So if you've got going back to Sir Richard, if
you've got the seed of Sir Richard, and you know
he consented to have some seed removed.

Speaker 2 (05:12):
Directly from the testing, what would you do with it?

Speaker 4 (05:17):
Well, it's got to go into some kind of secure facility.
And I'm thinking that New Zealand Cricket needs to invest
in the facility that's designed to house the seed, the
DNA of our best players for the future generations. This
is let's not forget this is the aim of this program.

Speaker 2 (05:31):
We're going to breed the ultimate cricketers.

Speaker 4 (05:32):
We have a we have a reason in New Zealand
to think about this because we're at a disadvantage.

Speaker 5 (05:38):
It was casponding his first ball to Rourke a pace
but about nipped off the perch and ro about a
foot away from it.

Speaker 2 (05:46):
Then we don't have one point five billion people.

Speaker 4 (05:49):
Now it is from we have a base, the factory
of great cricketers in this country we need to make
to go. We've got we need to build that factory. Yeah, totally,
we need to grow it. So some kind of secure facility.
Maybe maybe all of the seed from all the great
players goes into one kind of vat and then that's
used so we never quite know who's who.

Speaker 6 (06:09):
Yeah, right, it's just trying to add a little interest.

Speaker 2 (06:11):
I don't know.

Speaker 3 (06:12):
So you put Debbie Hockley in there, of course, yep,
why wouldn't you? But would you do would you go
more fast bowlers and batsmen? Would you go like a
leir to Hugh Hugh and a locky Ferguson?

Speaker 2 (06:25):
Yeah?

Speaker 6 (06:25):
When he stock some genenesis, I think it's cart.

Speaker 2 (06:28):
Steaming into a rock. It's got three slips in a gully.

Speaker 5 (06:31):
It's from shapes away from o'rourkey to go through to
the keeper.

Speaker 3 (06:35):
Alternatively, you could just put that seed into a smoothie.

Speaker 2 (06:39):
You could do. Could you be making money out of
that seed. I mean, yeah, like horse spreading. Yeah, I mean.

Speaker 5 (06:45):
If it's Sir Richard's sperm, for example, what would Sir
Richard's sperm go for.

Speaker 2 (06:51):
It's another revenue stream.

Speaker 4 (06:53):
I mean we do it with animals. Yeah, absolutely, I
mean it's lucrative.

Speaker 2 (06:57):
Cambridge and Mada matter are built on the seed horses. Yeah.

Speaker 5 (07:02):
I imagine as cast comes in and bolves to a
rock shortly that's underneath it. I imagine that, particularly on
the subcontinent, Sir Richard's seed would be incredibly valuable.

Speaker 2 (07:14):
Oh yeah, oh absolutely.

Speaker 5 (07:15):
I mean I think you'd be paying upwards of one
hundred thousand dollars a straw for his sperm.

Speaker 4 (07:22):
I think you might be undervaluing it. I mean really,
it's there's nothing can replace it, and there's a limited
window and a limited supply.

Speaker 2 (07:30):
Now we know that.

Speaker 5 (07:30):
So yeah, we need to get Scott Wennick on the phone.
As cast comes in and this is outside the line
of the off stump and a rock lets.

Speaker 2 (07:42):
It go through the keeper.

Speaker 3 (07:43):
Well, I mean, in this day and age, you need
to diversify your commercial opportunities. You need to be doing
whatever you can to bring in different revenue streams. You
can't always rely on the broadcast like in.

Speaker 6 (07:55):
The past, and the players can get a cut obvious
lot total.

Speaker 3 (07:59):
Look we're not saying that they are being chained to
a bed and they have said seed removed against their will.
They will get rewarded, significantly rewarded for their contribution.

Speaker 5 (08:14):
Cars again, bonding, Do I rock this again wide outside
the line of the off stump. Let's it go through
to the keeper end of the over Rourck's you have
to score. Phillips is forty two New Zealand three twenty
five for nine.

Speaker 4 (08:26):
And look, if this crazy program of ours was starting today,
I would be going directly to the combox down there
at Hagley and talking to Shane Bond. Yeah, okay, I'll
be saying, Shane, can you join me in the this cubable.

Speaker 2 (08:40):
I think it needs to be.

Speaker 3 (08:41):
I think you're right, but I think within this factory
there needs to be pillars. Like so one pillar there
is Locky ferguson the fucking Marner Express, Shane Bond just
pure Pace earlier to Hugh Hugh Pace and that is
the Pace Division, just sending hate mail down a perch.

Speaker 2 (08:59):
That's what we need.

Speaker 3 (09:00):
And then you've got your all rounders. I think there
should been all round pillar and then you've got your batsman,
but potentially some super keepers in there, you could, you
know Ian Smith McCullum edam PERORI.

Speaker 2 (09:13):
Lead him on not so much, but you know you
get my thinking.

Speaker 3 (09:19):
You know, I think your soup you proposed you're super soup.
I don't know if that's specific enough. When you're a
gens you're right.

Speaker 4 (09:26):
Actually, I mean, if we're going to do this, when
you to do it properly correct and it is science, yes,
spin but toy.

Speaker 2 (09:33):
I mean some players.

Speaker 5 (09:34):
The other thing is when you start and you sign
a contract and decide to play for New Zealand Cricket.
As Fokes comes in and Bolster Phillips is on forty
two two slips, no Phillips goes forward, miss times a
drive into the on side, no run, and you sign
up as a young player. You just sign away some
maybe rights to your sperm and that makes you a

(09:56):
more valuable asset to New Zealand Cricket at that point.

Speaker 3 (10:00):
Absolutely so they will develop you as a player as
a person.

Speaker 5 (10:03):
So you might think, you know your contract central contract
might be say four hundred thousand dollars. All of a sudden,
you're looking. You might be five, six, seven, eight hundred
thousand dollars, depending on how much sperm you can produce.
You go through those tests because as an ongoing revenue stream.
As Wokes comes in again, bowls to Phillips, this one
nips back at him, strikes him on the pad.

Speaker 2 (10:24):
No run, and look we're not You know, your your.

Speaker 5 (10:28):
Revenue potential goes on long over past your playing days.

Speaker 2 (10:32):
This is the great thing about it.

Speaker 3 (10:33):
And look, I mean ethical wise, look we could I
mean there might be some issues around being alive and
you having you know, simple versions of yourself running around
potentially maybe onstead have passed away. That's when we can
begin the breeding of that particular player.

Speaker 4 (10:47):
I'm seeing some obstacles with Faro and people like that.
They may have an issue, they may have an interest,
they may not see the bigger picture.

Speaker 2 (10:56):
It's emotional or big swing and a mess from Phillips.

Speaker 4 (11:03):
But if we got this thing off the ground, Mike Lane, yeah,
I can see a market like it could be in
the future that other cricket organizations develop their programs and
then we could bid. He's the only could say, look,
we're going to we want some Joe roupe semen.

Speaker 2 (11:16):
Yeah, we could. We could pay a nomenal fee.

Speaker 4 (11:18):
For that, and we could we could trade some of
our DNA with the DNA of other nations.

Speaker 3 (11:22):
A couple of straws for a couple of straws. There's
no different than the slave auction of the i PL.
It's pretty similar. It's basically branding players test looking at
their teeth.

Speaker 5 (11:34):
Workes and again bowling to Phillips, this is down the
leg side while take it in the end from Lolly Pope.

Speaker 2 (11:40):
Making sure the gums are healthy, and then putting them
on the roster.

Speaker 5 (11:43):
Yeah, put them through a medical maybe get Morgan faye
he fingers faith he just put them through their paces.

Speaker 4 (11:50):
But if we have created the system, we're happening a
can of worms there, because put aside of the ethical
issues and the setup and the logistics, we're going to
have to raise those children. So we can't just breed
them and set them out to the world and hope
that its cricketers. We're gonna have to front foot that
we're gonna have to put them into some kind of academy.

Speaker 3 (12:08):
Yes, yes, well that's all part of the setup, is
the factory is, you know, from cradle to cricket.

Speaker 2 (12:12):
Yeah, from creatle decrease.

Speaker 5 (12:16):
Again, this is wide down the league side, I would
say from oley paper though they will scamper through for
think goodbye from.

Speaker 4 (12:25):
Womb to wicket it'll be it'll be the world's first
womb to wicket. Schemes are so so ambitious. Elon Musk
level ambition. Actually, he's a great fan of breeding, says
we're not breeding enough. Yeah, I'm not trying to do
it manually in the analog fashion where we're saying, actually,
we've got a technological solution, boundary pushing commentary with no pets.

Speaker 1 (12:49):
This is the alternative commentary collective. Oh, thanks to the
great New Zealanders at regime.

Speaker 3 (12:57):
So only whose seed are you taking?

Speaker 7 (13:01):
Well, you know, I'm quite familiar with seed. I've seen
a lot of my time spraying around.

Speaker 2 (13:07):
You've washed plenty of civilizations down the drain hole.

Speaker 8 (13:10):
Well, yeah, mine and other people's.

Speaker 7 (13:12):
I think it's a good idea to get it all
out there, of mixing it all up so you don't
know who's you're getting.

Speaker 2 (13:16):
I think about that. I don't know.

Speaker 3 (13:18):
I don't think that's part of the laser focus that's
just a little little man soup on a situation.

Speaker 7 (13:23):
I was wondering, should we be targeting us with the
good asks for even through the covers, the call for
two from Phillips and they come back for two. I
was wondering should we be targeting the fathers of these
players as opposed to the players themselves, because very rarely
is it the players children go on to be phenoms.

(13:43):
You know, it doesn't seem to be very common. I
can't think of too many occasions where father son combo
the son has been the better player. So I wonder
if maybe we go to to Southey's dad and we
get another load from him, ye straw too, and just
sort of see, yeah, if we can maybe.

Speaker 8 (13:59):
Target some the dirds Williams and stad pets.

Speaker 3 (14:02):
Cast with the good ass and too Phillips and defends
this back to the bowler. What about what about a
commentary team? Big who you're looking at in terms of
you say, say, you know, looking at building the ultimate
commentary team?

Speaker 8 (14:18):
Seed?

Speaker 7 (14:19):
Yeah, Leehart, obviously you'd want yeah, bit of a seed.
I think there is some seed around the ACC studio,
to be honest, scrape to the back of the chairs,
you might be able to get some off.

Speaker 9 (14:31):
We're not strictly talking acc.

Speaker 3 (14:32):
No, no, no, we're talking like you know Blacaria Keith
into Henry Blofeld and yeah, Richie you know and too,
I mean a bit harder to might to exhume him.

Speaker 2 (14:42):
Wow, yees.

Speaker 9 (14:43):
Yeah, I'm sure it's been tried.

Speaker 3 (14:47):
Fifth ball of Cars's nineteenth over and Phillips Philips across
a stumps and works it out to mid wicket for
a single.

Speaker 2 (14:53):
So you know Rourke will just have the last ball
to face.

Speaker 9 (14:57):
I mean, I guess a lot of the great cricket
has have become commentators, don't they.

Speaker 2 (15:01):
Yeah, well not the.

Speaker 8 (15:02):
Greatest though, not the greatest.

Speaker 9 (15:04):
I mean you don't see Chris Gal behind the.

Speaker 7 (15:06):
Mic, but he's speaking of slinging seed. I'd say there's
none greater than Chris Gay. Yeah.

Speaker 2 (15:13):
My devalues it though for us really isn't it if
there's a lot of it out there? Can't really.

Speaker 3 (15:18):
It's like a you know, it's in the Chinese start
growing golden kiwi fruit illegally.

Speaker 2 (15:23):
It's kind of just brings the supply, demanders and market down.

Speaker 7 (15:29):
I think they're definitely a market for it. Get the
seed and essentially the egg of some of the female
cricketers out there and semin at some of the seed
or potentially get you know mealy Cur's father, get his seed.

Speaker 2 (15:41):
You Robbie Kerr produce some good players.

Speaker 3 (15:44):
Has cast fall straight and fast can straight through willow
raw and he's gone through a dak.

Speaker 2 (15:52):
New Zealand's innings is over.

Speaker 3 (15:54):
They are bowled all out for three hundred and forty eight.

Speaker 1 (15:58):
No glove just not called broadcasting. This is the alternative commentary.
Can let you oh thanks to the Greek New Zealanders
at resume.

Speaker 7 (16:11):
That's promising to see as well. From Saudi the ball
doing a bit.

Speaker 2 (16:16):
Who would you be? Who would you breed with Saudi?
Who would you put his seed?

Speaker 7 (16:20):
Well, someone ticks there and I actually do like the
idea of you know, a Glenn Maxwell type, you know,
the type of player that you don't traditionally have. I
was thinking even you know, a Stoliness or someone like this.
So it would just be very valuable to the current
New Zealand team.

Speaker 2 (16:35):
Yeah, I know, I like Saudi into Crawley. Oh good delivery.

Speaker 3 (16:43):
Just swung away from Crawley head to play it, beat
the outside edge and threw the cowboy Blundell. That's a
classic sixy camel delivery.

Speaker 9 (16:53):
So is the idea for a super seed so you
bring multiple seeds to you that?

Speaker 3 (16:57):
No, no, not necessarily, it's just the seed of a
player and an egg of a player in breeding an
ultimate player.

Speaker 2 (17:06):
No, it's not.

Speaker 3 (17:07):
I don't think it's multiple players into a super sed,
although I'm not sure if it's possible.

Speaker 7 (17:13):
But it's a nature versus nurture conversation as well, because
do you get.

Speaker 3 (17:17):
A Barrett Saudi and to Polly again and left through
to the keeper? Yeah, I mean we've talked about the
cross code breeding. I think maybe that's down the line
a little bit, and that's I mean, that's like a
super athlete.

Speaker 2 (17:30):
Really, that could do anything.

Speaker 3 (17:32):
But I think if we just layser focus on cricket,
we have a very small pool of players as it is,
so we need to think smarter and.

Speaker 8 (17:40):
Are we forcing them to forner kates?

Speaker 7 (17:42):
O're doing it in a lab, it's all lab.

Speaker 2 (17:45):
Yeah, No, I mean it gets that skin a bit
of key.

Speaker 8 (17:48):
Otherwise, well not for me.

Speaker 9 (17:50):
Watching is the lab going to be based in Antarctica?

Speaker 2 (17:55):
Thinking christ Church?

Speaker 3 (17:56):
It's now the Becker Hagley Oval there and Saudi on
the pads of crawl doesn't quite get as much swing
as time it's excited.

Speaker 7 (18:03):
Well, of course we could use the disabled toilets at
the Chrishi at the airport. I think they've been known
to connective bit of seed from high profile athletes over
the years.

Speaker 3 (18:11):
Yeah, I think it needs to be quite high security. Honestly,
it needs to be frozen. We cry genically frozen, so.

Speaker 2 (18:21):
Yeah, they could work.

Speaker 7 (18:22):
It is an interesting experience, you know, producing a specimen.
I've done it myself and afterwards you go up to
the counter. It's just a regular sort of you know,
blood collection clinic.

Speaker 3 (18:36):
Saudi Crawley always swinging a message from Crawley with a
wide one from Saudian through to the keeper. And yet
you have to get it there within half an hour
of making creating the seeds. So you do do that
at home with what sort of paraphernalia you choose to do,
that's up to you.

Speaker 7 (18:50):
And then you've got to jump in the car immediately
and drive down there and drop it off. And you
walk into the clinic and you know there's blood tests
going on, there's people going in with all sorts of things,
and you go over the counter say hey, I'm here
to drop off my deposit, and then she's like, cool,
where is it?

Speaker 2 (19:04):
And I'm like, oh, it's in my pocket, you know.

Speaker 8 (19:06):
She's like, well put it show me, and.

Speaker 7 (19:07):
You're like, it's in a sea through bag and a
little like sea through container.

Speaker 3 (19:12):
Were she disappointed with the volume, as in Come of
Southy Gain he beats the outside edge just it's good
stuff from Saudi good first over from him eat the bad.

Speaker 2 (19:21):
A few times.

Speaker 7 (19:22):
Well, no, she wasn't disappointed with the volume, but it's
the fact that it's just another day at work for her,
so she's not even worried about at all. But I am,
and I put it up on the counter and this
kid's running around. There's genuinely about thirty five people in
this waiting room, and she started taking my name. You know, hey,
what's your name? I say, Tony Lyle, you know, quite loud,
and people are looking around. You're like, oh, yeah, what.

Speaker 2 (19:41):
Are you doing?

Speaker 8 (19:41):
What are you making you deposit for you?

Speaker 2 (19:42):
It's yes, sir, and.

Speaker 7 (19:46):
Yeah, everyone's looking around, looking up and people are just
eyeballing my JITs and you're kind of like, how would
you mind taking it off the counter for this conversation.
That's all I asked is maybe can we discreetly get
the cup of jazz off the counter?

Speaker 8 (20:00):
And I feel the same of us.

Speaker 7 (20:01):
If I was waiting for a blood test and so
I walked down with the cubbages and put it on
the counter, I would want to look at this guy's jizz.

Speaker 9 (20:07):
Yeah, I guess it's easier for guys to make a deposit.
It's not like we can just go lay an egg.

Speaker 2 (20:13):
Wouldn't that be good?

Speaker 8 (20:14):
Wouldn't it be easier? Probably don't understand how it happens
from a woman, so.

Speaker 10 (20:20):
Old peace, no projection.

Speaker 1 (20:23):
This is the Alternative Commentary Collective, Paul, thanks.

Speaker 10 (20:27):
To the great New Zealanders at max Ra.

Speaker 3 (20:32):
Talking yesterday briefly, Jeremy and Becker around. Our experiences are
different experiences at commentary school in the Upper Hut, which
we all went through and kind of in the early
two thousands. I was at a couple of years after
you and Lee Hart, I believe, But who was your
tutor when you were down there?

Speaker 5 (20:53):
I was very lucky I had Brian Model and Jeremy Coney.

Speaker 2 (20:56):
His scenery comes in again. This is on the hip
of ducket up beat squearely egg. Yes, I was. I
felt very privileged to have coney and waddle. It's almost
like C three po and two D D two.

Speaker 3 (21:17):
You know, I had what was coming in and out
when I was there, but Ron Snowden was running the
cutter down then when I.

Speaker 2 (21:25):
Was there, which was interesting.

Speaker 5 (21:28):
He's entry again to duck it, squeers him out, skews
it out to cover, they'll get a single.

Speaker 3 (21:34):
When you were doing it, did they run a lot
of simulations, you know, like you had to commentate an
over while stuff was going on, or they're trying to
distract you, or you know, different conditions would come along
with technical difficulties or just distracting. Like Ron Snowden's big
trick was to run around the studio and the new
trying to distract you from you calling a an over manage.

Speaker 2 (21:57):
That would be incredibly the same.

Speaker 3 (21:58):
It was very hard, and the in particular was quite
hard because I had all sorts of wickets boundaries and you
got Ron Snowden running.

Speaker 5 (22:04):
Around, struck on the pad this time Bethel half shout
but it's too high, possibly.

Speaker 2 (22:10):
Going down leg. Because it's a fairly intensive course isn't it.

Speaker 3 (22:16):
It's only yearning down there for six months and it's
immersive every day, seven days a week. You're living in
a in the kind of the probably say it now
because it's not around anymore, but it's at the ground
floor of the Avalon building, the old TV and Z
building used to be in there, windowless intense six months.

Speaker 5 (22:40):
He's Henry again going to defends down the pitch and run.
When I was there and I was saying yesterday on
the commentary, Jeremy Coney and Brian Waddell ran a very
interesting tutorial around what to put in your mouth and
what not to put in your mouth when commentating same
that it's it's really not a good idea to have

(23:01):
something in your mouth while you were commentating. It's a
workshop and Brian Model had a part role play with it.

Speaker 2 (23:09):
Yeah, there's a role play.

Speaker 5 (23:10):
Going on between Wadel and Coney around because Henry comes
in again. It's a good line that I mean, Henry
just must the off stump. Brian Moddel ended up with
a part of Jeremy Cony inside his mouth.

Speaker 2 (23:24):
While he tried to commentate.

Speaker 5 (23:25):
While he proved to us that it was impossible to
commentate yeah, Jeremy.

Speaker 2 (23:30):
Cony certainly seemed to be enjoying that particular role play.
I didn't get that one. I didn't get that.

Speaker 5 (23:36):
One well with Ron Snowden, if he could do it
to himself.

Speaker 9 (23:40):
Do you remember the one about deep breathing, like not
being a heavy breather in the mic?

Speaker 2 (23:44):
Yeah, yep, getting the phone calls.

Speaker 9 (23:46):
At all hours of the night with hivvy breathing and yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 (23:49):
That was good.

Speaker 3 (23:49):
And they try and surprise you, like they wake you
up at two in the morning and you have had
any sleep, and they take you down. They make you
commentate a subcontinent game on no sleep. It's like it's
almost like the Navy Seals kind of thing. They try
and break you, whether it's through kind of strange SIXU
works like you and well you witnessed to just you.

Speaker 2 (24:11):
Know, trying to wear you down.

Speaker 5 (24:13):
We'll put you off, so I'll come back to listen
a second. Nathan Smith on debut, Who's got the ball?
Good first class average twenty five point eight five with
a good stroke rate fifty five. It's played fifty three
first class matches already, bit of experience there. One hundred

(24:34):
and forty four wickets.

Speaker 3 (24:36):
Yeah, he would have played Hagley over many many times
for Wellington.

Speaker 2 (24:40):
Rip since Wellington. It's got a great little moulayana, a
little bit of.

Speaker 5 (24:44):
A slug, almost an Australian look about him. Here he
is spoiling to Duckett, who's on thirties, coming around the wicket.
I like that action, nice and simple locks and then fires.

Speaker 2 (24:58):
Miss Field there from Zealand and go through for the single.

Speaker 3 (25:01):
He actually a little bit douggy Bracewell, a little bit dougy,
little bit.

Speaker 2 (25:05):
Compact minus the cocaine and drink driving. Well, you don't know, yeah,
I don't know that that's true. Did you get drug
tested when you were at commentary school?

Speaker 5 (25:19):
Yeah, they were testing every day, make sure that we
took drugs.

Speaker 3 (25:24):
That was the hardest for me was the taking of
the drugs and then the commentary after there. Like I said,
the simulations and the practicals were difficult.

Speaker 2 (25:33):
Like mushrooms struggled massively under those. His smith to be thought,
oh that's an absolute ripper.

Speaker 5 (25:41):
Came around to work out it was a bit shorter,
squared up methought good pace one thirty six k's an hour,
flew through the keep up it did.

Speaker 2 (25:51):
It was good practice, You've got.

Speaker 5 (25:52):
To say, though, I mean we commentated in some insane states. Yeah,
and I found that very very useful coming up, especially
working for the ACC here later on. Nothing was a
surprise to me after that.

Speaker 9 (26:03):
Yeah, I was having flashbacks of one you were saying,
you know, getting in quite a state. Just remember sort
of flashback of just Bulls flying at me and having
to master the catcher commentary phrase while ducking.

Speaker 5 (26:19):
Bulls's Smith again around the wicket and it goes forward
and defends no run.

Speaker 2 (26:27):
I remembers.

Speaker 3 (26:29):
The commentating a replay was almost instant dismissal. I didn't
stand for that at commentary school. I think you got
one chance and that was it. You commentated a replay,
you were gone.

Speaker 2 (26:45):
Just had fire.

Speaker 5 (26:45):
And it wasn't easy because you're commentating off a TV screen,
and I found that difficult, particularly on psychedelics. It's hard
to know what was present, what was past, what was future?

Speaker 2 (27:00):
Smith again buying to who drives can't beat met on
no Run?

Speaker 3 (27:07):
What shocked me the most in that six months I
was in the same intake as Jason Hoyt. He was
an adult student when I was there, and he ended
up sleeping with Garth Galloway, who was the other tutor
when we were there, and it was really off putting
for most of us that they were in a relationship.
And I felt like Garth picked on us a little
bit more than usual, and him and Snowden would get

(27:29):
up on us. Well, Jason knew was sleeping with him.

Speaker 5 (27:35):
Smith again to Bethel, he pulls this away well over
the top of midwork at that before was a little
bit too short and it got a little bit too straight,
and Bethel just helped it on its way. He moves
to five in England thirty seven for one. I was
interested because I heard a bit about this, and I

(27:57):
believe that the review office I had something to do
with it too. Oddly enough, Jase failed that year despite
sleeping with Garth Gilloway, and I've never heard of that before.

Speaker 2 (28:14):
Yeah, something went wrong.

Speaker 5 (28:16):
Is Smith again to Bethel, goes forward solidly defends back
to the bowler.

Speaker 9 (28:22):
I'm going I guess you were a sets on all
kinds of performance, though so not necessarily what was happening
at commentary school which just wasn't up to the job.

Speaker 3 (28:32):
And look, I mean not only was a commentary though,
but well, a lot of the it was a history
of the game. And I don't know if you got
taken down to the basin, and I think you told
the story a few years ago of the monument at
the basin and what that's used for and what happens
at the start of every summer which young commentators are involved.

Speaker 2 (28:49):
In us fall of the over Smith to Bethel. He
tries to.

Speaker 5 (28:56):
Cut it away and he does so successfully past the
diving Gally more So spens him over for Smith and
his first and test cricket goes for ten England forty
one for one.

Speaker 10 (29:08):
Old Pete no projection.

Speaker 1 (29:11):
This is the alternative commentary Collective, all thanks to the
great New Zealanders at max ra Well.

Speaker 7 (29:19):
I think the three two three six the photo seeing
option has been disabled, and rightly so, after being absolutely
devastated with photos of premiums and.

Speaker 8 (29:31):
Urethras.

Speaker 4 (29:35):
Yeah, we were out doing newporn for a while there.
In terms of media genitally themed media, you.

Speaker 7 (29:43):
Know it's bad when a create commentary has an AU
eighteen yes or no button to get in to listen
to it.

Speaker 5 (29:50):
Smith again, this time to Ducket, right Forard goes Dockett
plays it into the on side. No run well, I mean,
don't forget in our first season, I think we had
the acc Manchina calendar, Yes, and Manjina gated incident not
too long was that the next season?

Speaker 2 (30:09):
That's the next season though, right, I have.

Speaker 4 (30:12):
There's so many promotions in so many great moments that
almost into one.

Speaker 2 (30:15):
For me, there was the glass on the ass.

Speaker 7 (30:17):
You know when the Vanagina's isn't just one traversy, there's
multiple Vagina moments that you're in quite deep.

Speaker 5 (30:25):
Smith again bowing to duck it, who drives and a
little bit lucky as he drove his hands got away
from his pad and left a huge gap between Bet
and paired sick inside age lucky to get away with
that into the over fifty four for three.

Speaker 4 (30:41):
I sometimes think the Managina was slightly ahead of its time.
I mean, now I look at it. I look at it.
I think, in these non binary gender fluidity times, I think, yeah, Managina,
why not?

Speaker 7 (30:51):
Yeah?

Speaker 8 (30:52):
I think you're right.

Speaker 7 (30:53):
It is incredibly progressive to do a Vanagina at any stage,
you know, BYO McDonald's restaurant, anything, Jordan's party. Yeah, And
I do think a question of etiquet when it comes
to vagina, you get them a taste of both sides.
So obviously you know, first of all you hit them
with the front with everything tucked up.

Speaker 8 (31:09):
They want to see that.

Speaker 7 (31:10):
But then also just before you leave, do a one
eighty pivot, jump up, turn around and just show them
the back.

Speaker 2 (31:15):
What do you call the back?

Speaker 6 (31:16):
What's the technical term for that?

Speaker 5 (31:19):
Here's that Rourke again, the Stone bowling to Brook. A
bit of extra bounce from O.

Speaker 2 (31:24):
Rourke. Brook goes forward, who.

Speaker 5 (31:26):
Casually defending thick inside edge up into his body.

Speaker 4 (31:31):
So I'm reliably informed of what you're describing. Tony is
called the bulldog.

Speaker 8 (31:36):
The bulldog at the back. Yeah, that makes sense.

Speaker 7 (31:38):
And can I just say g Lane lead over to
Lee Baker's ear and whispered that from off the mic.
And I've never seen g Lane's eyes light up more
than when remembering the term for the back of a vanagina.

Speaker 5 (31:55):
Okay, here's that Rourk again. This is second noteve He's
got none for eight so far? Is the Brook is
on eight short and in the air from Brock through
the vacant point region and down to the boundary for four.

Speaker 7 (32:09):
And can I ask you something Lee is.

Speaker 8 (32:12):
There anything that requires more conversation.

Speaker 7 (32:15):
If I see someone doing a managina and an incredibly turned.

Speaker 4 (32:18):
On, well it depends on who you think you need
to have that conversation with.

Speaker 2 (32:23):
With yourself, yeah, with your partner.

Speaker 7 (32:25):
Well, just my friends and fun. I'd imagine I'll send
them down and listen.

Speaker 4 (32:29):
I think in twenty twenty four, why shouldn't it be
turned on? I mean, what what's wrong with that?

Speaker 8 (32:36):
That's good to hear, because definitely.

Speaker 5 (32:38):
Am Brooks moved along to twelve or thirteen.

Speaker 2 (32:42):
Here he's facing Punish roe Rock again. Benders back there.

Speaker 5 (32:46):
It's a better line and lengths just outside off stump
a little bit fuller flies through to Blundell took it
just above his head.

Speaker 4 (32:55):
But if we're going to do this promptly in twenty
twenty four, we need a female equip lent to the managina.

Speaker 6 (33:02):
And I'm going to say it's not the vagina.

Speaker 7 (33:03):
Well, could it potentially be, you know, getting a sizzler
potentially and sort of popping that end, recreating.

Speaker 2 (33:14):
The male version. I'm not sure it's Punisher O'Rourke again too, Brook.

Speaker 5 (33:22):
He beats him outside the line of the off stump
as brook just goes forward and tries to prod it
with soft hands fifty eight for three England.

Speaker 7 (33:29):
This requires some investigation. Yeah, it could be too blunt
and option some interrogation.

Speaker 6 (33:35):
This concept the female Managina.

Speaker 8 (33:39):
As it's the woman Gina leave it would beat.

Speaker 2 (33:45):
The weeners.

Speaker 7 (33:46):
Well, be wrong and call it a buffalo bill. I
mean he was sort of my instruction to the Vagina.
I think Buffalo Bill was the best time m I've
seen one.

Speaker 1 (33:55):
The common jermmy that makes even top balls sound good.
This is the alternative commentary collective.

Speaker 10 (34:03):
Oh, thanks to the great New Zealanders.

Speaker 11 (34:06):
Add Max rath Tex machine back up and running. It
went down for a chunk of.

Speaker 2 (34:12):
The last.

Speaker 3 (34:15):
Haven't seen photos, so just that you know, otherwise you
crash itto.

Speaker 7 (34:19):
Yeah, Well, to be fairly, Bacer did request photos of
Managina's and I imagine.

Speaker 8 (34:23):
That's red rag to a ball there.

Speaker 3 (34:26):
I think the worst, the worst one we ever did,
funny lie was brown eyed Broom.

Speaker 2 (34:30):
Yeah, by Broom.

Speaker 3 (34:32):
Every time Neil Broom scored a boundary, people sending photos
of their brown eyes.

Speaker 2 (34:36):
So it comes.

Speaker 3 (34:37):
Soudy to Brook, it's wide and stuffs again and he's
through the keeper and then you got a hundred, and
we got absolutely flooded with rusty sherifspages.

Speaker 7 (34:44):
Well, I don't want to lower the tone here too
much on the broadcast, but have you a brown eyed
yourself in the mirror. It's genuinely one of the more
harrowing things you could ever do.

Speaker 2 (34:52):
Well, how do you do that?

Speaker 7 (34:53):
You sort of duck over a full length mirror and
brown eye look between your legs?

Speaker 2 (34:58):
Why did what made you? What made you want to
do this?

Speaker 8 (35:00):
You know you just gotta have a look at these
things sometimes, don't you.

Speaker 7 (35:03):
And it'll shock you in a very core. You don't
know what you're capable of. And you see it.

Speaker 8 (35:07):
You look right into the eye of sour on and
you do you worried about? Were you worried about something?

Speaker 2 (35:13):
Okay, I'm soudy into brock Brook. That cuts this one.
And did sweeper turned back to you when you put
the ring on your finger.

Speaker 8 (35:23):
Oh, I did do on the ring and it felt
like a turn in visible.

Speaker 11 (35:25):
But you were saying that the mirror was on the
ceiling of your bedroom and you had to do your
must the head stand.

Speaker 2 (35:35):
You roll onto the shoulders.

Speaker 8 (35:37):
I didn't get up onto the shoulders on the shoulder blades.
Actually the best way to do it.

Speaker 7 (35:42):
You sort of seat actually right down your buttthole and
out of the urethra, no like a periscope.

Speaker 8 (35:50):
Get the angle just right. The mirror is sort of
a line and sometimes.

Speaker 2 (35:55):
So worry about what you get up to on your
own any laugh you're doing a set of curiosity, is Saudi, Well,
it's a good delivery. Just sneaks between bat and pad
and just dribbles past the leg.

Speaker 3 (36:05):
Stump, hence the cry from the slip cordant.

Speaker 7 (36:10):
That's the thing the Bigges stand up comedian Glane is
you know, I work in the nighttime and so got
eight hours a day when what's at work and the
kids are in daycare?

Speaker 8 (36:16):
And a pass those hours somehow?

Speaker 2 (36:19):
Did you often just the often just nude most of
the day.

Speaker 8 (36:23):
Most of the day, yep, sort of seeing what your
body is capable of.

Speaker 2 (36:26):
And so are you.

Speaker 11 (36:28):
Looking at your own reflection in the ceiling mirror and
then it's looping around out the urethra into presumably a
mirror on the wall, just the.

Speaker 8 (36:36):
One mirror so to see a glinter light at the
end of the.

Speaker 2 (36:39):
Tunnel Saudi Tip Brock.

Speaker 1 (36:41):
The common Jenny. That makes even top balls sound good.
This is the alternative commentary collective.

Speaker 10 (36:49):
Oh, thanks to the great New Zealanders at Max Rath.

Speaker 3 (36:55):
So does it go for Tony Lower Heart, Upper Haut
or is it anything north of the Tony Upper Hut?

Speaker 2 (37:02):
Only lower up Hut?

Speaker 3 (37:04):
To believe rock into Pope, Pope back and across and
defends to wide mid On.

Speaker 2 (37:12):
So I believe there's some conjecture around where Avalon is.

Speaker 12 (37:15):
Yes, the Avalon building is in lower Hut, not upper Hut.

Speaker 2 (37:18):
Where's the where's the border? No?

Speaker 3 (37:22):
I don't know, but Middle Heart I guess? Or yes,
just hat was it Royal Wellington golf Course? Is that
no man's land between lower and Upper Hut? What's the
Hut valley?

Speaker 8 (37:33):
I think Upper Heart? I could be wrong. It has
the best value golf membership of the country.

Speaker 2 (37:41):
Then comes O Rourke to Pope.

Speaker 3 (37:44):
He wants to ramp this over the keeper's head, but
it's nothing on it. Well, it's the home of Brewetown
as well out there in the upper Hut.

Speaker 2 (37:54):
No, that's a lower Hut, is it?

Speaker 1 (37:58):
Sure?

Speaker 2 (38:00):
Okay, it's the Heart valley?

Speaker 8 (38:02):
And where's Stokes Valley?

Speaker 2 (38:04):
Then?

Speaker 8 (38:04):
And there's someone here.

Speaker 2 (38:06):
Where Stokes Valley is Is it lower or upper? Is
it in the valley? Is it in the valley?

Speaker 8 (38:13):
And the grill isn't it amongst it? Sprinkled in.

Speaker 2 (38:20):
From a memory of the silver stream bridges the gap.

Speaker 8 (38:22):
Yeah, it sounds about right. I believe it.

Speaker 3 (38:24):
O'rourkean to Pope, Pope back and defense to mid On again.

Speaker 7 (38:31):
But I do love someone texting in to let us
know I've made a mistake. We've got an official complaint
at Radio Hodeck. You filling in on the weekend. When
I said that Coldplay were all in their sixties, sort
of just saying they were old. I wasn't help man
dating them exactly. I was just saying, you know, there
are guys in their sixties and they're putting on a
hell of a show. And someone complained, They.

Speaker 8 (38:51):
Said, these are you know, he's only forty eight.

Speaker 7 (38:55):
This is an accurate Someone needs to tell this broadcaster.

Speaker 2 (38:57):
And we had a bit of trouble when we are
we age shamed Chris Harris.

Speaker 3 (39:02):
Oh, it's a short delivery, good take though by a Blundell, and.

Speaker 8 (39:08):
Pope's at full full splender here on the ground.

Speaker 7 (39:12):
He's splayed open like a butterfly chicken.

Speaker 2 (39:19):
Brewtown.

Speaker 11 (39:20):
Sorry correction, Fellas is in the Upper Hut. Ah, yes,
stick that in your ass. As is the Royal Wellington
Golf Club.

Speaker 7 (39:27):
Okay, he's ended up in a bit of a slut
drop there, olipope.

Speaker 3 (39:32):
Oh, he got himself in an awkward position, didn't he
because he went to rampant and it kept following his mask.

Speaker 2 (39:40):
Jeez. Sorry, And just one more text. Brewtown is an
upper Hut. I was right.

Speaker 3 (39:47):
He was not my confidence around the Hut valley there
and I was unsure Joe Jury yelling at me.

Speaker 2 (39:52):
Now it's a lower Hut, so Brewtown.

Speaker 3 (39:58):
It's probably the best in Upper Hut. Next to the speedway.

Speaker 2 (40:02):
Someone else's texting Lower Heart's and Upper Hut.

Speaker 3 (40:06):
Speedway is quite good in the Upper Hut valley.

Speaker 2 (40:10):
The speed yes way up the Hut valley. Yep.

Speaker 11 (40:17):
Stokes Valley is a valley off the side of Lower
Hut pretty close to Upper Hut. They're all Bogenhavens. Jesus Christ.

Speaker 3 (40:22):
There comes O'Rourke into brook back and defense and they
just grinding New Zealand down here.

Speaker 2 (40:29):
That's the end of Rook's eleventh.

Speaker 3 (40:30):
He's one for fifty one and forty six overs gone
England one hundred and eighty seven for four. They trailed
by one hundred and sixty one.

Speaker 11 (40:42):
Just showing us multiple dropped catchers. The second session has
seen ships sort of steady a little bit.

Speaker 2 (40:49):
For England.

Speaker 11 (40:51):
Forty six over is gone and Jesus we could.

Speaker 2 (40:54):
Even get two work. It's here and then it's still
a long way to go.

Speaker 3 (41:02):
This is where you kneeled, Neil Wagner. Don't you get
a hold of that soft ball? Just thump it into
the pitch.

Speaker 7 (41:09):
It's the classic chaos agent argument.

Speaker 2 (41:11):
Isn't it said?

Speaker 3 (41:12):
We've got Phillips, he's into his fourth over, coms into
Pope to midwicket.

Speaker 11 (41:18):
Where's run another texture? On three two three six? Hug
girls are pretty grubby generally.

Speaker 7 (41:23):
Well, it seems disparaging and I, quite frankly don't believe it.
I can't believe you'd read something like that up but
I on the air.

Speaker 2 (41:29):
We didn't ask the question, though, did we?

Speaker 7 (41:31):
So?

Speaker 2 (41:31):
Is it just a statement?

Speaker 10 (41:32):
Is it coverage?

Speaker 1 (41:33):
You'll never leave even when it's outside the line. This
is the alternative commentary Collective. Oh, thanks to the great
New Zealanders ad resin.

Speaker 3 (41:47):
Welcome back to the expert big adat Studios at Hagley Oval.

Speaker 2 (41:50):
Coverage brought to you.

Speaker 3 (41:50):
By Max Rafts on premium insulated concrete slabs. And it's
a pleasure to welcome back into the commentary position Lea
bakerp and fresh from upsetting some boos Matt Heath and
then comes O'Rourke, leans on that. Brooke comes through for
another comfortable single, runs getting too easy.

Speaker 2 (42:08):
What's happening up at z B Matt.

Speaker 12 (42:10):
Well, I just interviewed acc head g Lane about the cricket.

Speaker 3 (42:14):
Yeah, you've got a very irate manager up there who
has got access to a speaker in the studio in
which he yells almost like a nineteen thirties forties German dictator.

Speaker 2 (42:25):
Yeah. Wow, It's like it was like keep.

Speaker 10 (42:29):
Back claim, Jay Light, deep back claim.

Speaker 2 (42:31):
It just came out of a speaker in the corner. Yeah,
well it was interesting actually.

Speaker 3 (42:37):
Then comes O'Rourke into his twelfth over into Pope Fallen
driven down the ground by Pope. It's a good shot
just to punch down mid off. I'm not sure that
it'll go all the way as Ken Williamson just gingerly
runs after.

Speaker 12 (42:50):
It, and they come back for three It was intually
because earlier in the day, like just after one o'clock,
I said, New Zealand really needs to take England around
the back of the barn and pump a few shots into.

Speaker 2 (43:01):
The back of their head.

Speaker 12 (43:03):
And there was a little word to me saying, well,
you know, it's kind of quite a full on metaphor
you're using there, and then and then I was like,
I think that's that's apped.

Speaker 2 (43:12):
And then then you came in.

Speaker 12 (43:13):
I immediately came in with the same metaphors and I thought, look,
it's good enough.

Speaker 2 (43:17):
For gen lane. Yeah.

Speaker 3 (43:18):
I didn't stay around the back of the shit. I
just said double tap them.

Speaker 12 (43:21):
I actually sit around the take the old dog around
the back of the barn and pump a few in
the back of its head.

Speaker 2 (43:26):
I think I said, roll them over and just two
in the back of the head. Yeah.

Speaker 3 (43:30):
Up on the pool shot goes brock out to midwicket.
It's a big chase, further hairy rav and you will
just pull it in and runs starting to flow.

Speaker 2 (43:40):
Another three runs.

Speaker 12 (43:42):
Hating this, I'm absolutely hating this, but I think that
it is a legitimate cricketing metaphor.

Speaker 3 (43:49):
That yeah, it is, just it's basically getting putting the
foot on the throat.

Speaker 2 (43:54):
It's taking the opportunities, and we didn't do that.

Speaker 12 (43:56):
We didn't do that when we were one hundred and
ninety nine for three, and then we didn't do it
by dropping a lot peaper catches your.

Speaker 4 (44:03):
Metaphor though that he sounds like you're implying that England
needs to be put out of their misery, that it's
our misery that needs to end.

Speaker 12 (44:09):
Yes, yeah, yeah, I can see that. Maybe it just
means walk up to them and shoot them right in
the face, o.

Speaker 2 (44:17):
Rourken to Pope again.

Speaker 3 (44:19):
Pope comfortably goes back and just dabs us down to
the vacant gully area for a single. Would you accept, levak,
would you accept sneak up behind them and slip their
throat from behind?

Speaker 2 (44:33):
Yes, I would. That's actually right.

Speaker 12 (44:35):
That is more what we want them to do, rather
than help them out because they're you know, that would
be you know, if you're, if you're, if you're you're
in a test and they're still just batting for batting
practice and there's no chance of winning at least, that
that would be taking them around the back of the
sheet and putting a few bullets in there at.

Speaker 4 (44:50):
Least that metaphor allows us to do it under our
own power, without resorting to tools or other implements.

Speaker 3 (44:58):
And these batsmen looking at a little bit too comfortable
for my liking O'Rourke and just a almost a late
cut from brook but it goes to.

Speaker 12 (45:09):
To the slip corder. I mean, this is horrible Brooks.
Brooks sixty seven and Pope seventy.

Speaker 4 (45:14):
Yes, he's so comfortable he couldn't even be bother playing
a shot there.

Speaker 2 (45:17):
He just left the bat out.

Speaker 4 (45:19):
It'll still go to the ground pretty much middled it. Yeah,
I'm still tiring one of my even looking he Matt Heath.
We were talking about eugenics this morning. Oh okay, and we're.

Speaker 3 (45:28):
Talking about Saudi and he's he's retiring soon and whether
we should get some seed off him, some straws off
them and cryogenically freeze them.

Speaker 2 (45:38):
Yeah. As o'rour comes into.

Speaker 3 (45:40):
Brook and all that's down to the excited and look
down to fine leg thinking they'd be a bit of
the DNA of his out there.

Speaker 2 (45:48):
Turner's up for England. Yeah, I mean we're just thinking,
but I'd like to say that his DNA is being
spread around with a little bit.

Speaker 3 (45:55):
Of reckless a band, and we're talking about the eugenics
in terms of getting that seed and implanting it.

Speaker 2 (46:02):
Yeah, I'm another fast bowler.

Speaker 12 (46:04):
I'm just saying that you might be able to just
find some just in the corner of the odd hotel room,
ye or something.

Speaker 3 (46:14):
We want I mean we want him to be involved
with Okay, yeah, yeah, so yeah, I guess we're morally
speaking he should be involved. Were just maybe thinking about
we should get in touch with the Players Association and
make it part of the central contracts. Yeah, so who
would you like to see his seed inside?

Speaker 12 (46:31):
Well, this is exactly the question, and it doesn't have
to be inside. I guess you could take the egg
a great New Zealand sportswoman.

Speaker 2 (46:40):
It's a situation. Yeah, it's a lot.

Speaker 12 (46:44):
It's a lot to ask and then maybe a surrogate
because you don't want the person to stop playing.

Speaker 6 (46:50):
We could basically make test tube test cricketers.

Speaker 12 (46:53):
Yeah, the test a test match between nothing but test
Tube players have been designed eugenically to be the best
players in the world.

Speaker 2 (47:02):
Be that would be huge.

Speaker 12 (47:03):
They'd be like those those new Olympics, the games they're
trying to do. The no limits Olympic Games.

Speaker 3 (47:08):
They're trying to do it comes Phillips into Pope, was
on seventy just shaws forward of Tom Latham. It shot
on just then it just fell short of him. You
could hear the scream. Catch that, Tommy.

Speaker 6 (47:25):
This is torturous.

Speaker 3 (47:30):
But we're thinking of crowding different silos within the factory.

Speaker 2 (47:34):
I just pure pace.

Speaker 3 (47:36):
So you've got the Locky Ferguson's, the shame bonds, the slashes,
this one through the covers Pope. It's a big chase
for the hairy Rab. You'll just get there. Well, the
hairy Rab does well, but they'll come back for three.

Speaker 2 (47:48):
So in the pace division you got bond, Locky Ferguson. Yeah, possibly,
Sir Richard had Richard. Yeah. Can you get eggs.

Speaker 12 (47:56):
From Sir Richard Hadley ord he and you can't not
really farm eggs, no egg to mix with southe No,
it's tough.

Speaker 2 (48:05):
Yeah, the eggs.

Speaker 3 (48:05):
I mean we're looking for pure pace, something like lea
to Hugh Hugh, Yeah, you a paste bowler Yep.

Speaker 12 (48:12):
It's interesting though, because with sports people they often have
the opportunity to just choose any sport and they'd be
amazing at it, So you wouldn't necessarily have to to
get eggs farm eggs from just cricketers.

Speaker 3 (48:25):
Phillips floats this one up to Brooklyn just well, does
Phillips to do his own fielding?

Speaker 4 (48:29):
Maybe not, But we want to push the technology. We
want laser focus.

Speaker 12 (48:33):
Yeah right, yeah, because you get Valerie Adams with Tim
Southi and you get a bit of height in there,
in a bit of strength.

Speaker 2 (48:42):
Actually, that's not bad.

Speaker 6 (48:43):
Write that down late Valerie Adams and.

Speaker 3 (48:45):
Philips back and across and just guides it to point
for a single does Harry brook But we were thinking
we forgot about the whole nurture side of it because
we're thinking about creative data.

Speaker 2 (48:56):
You're going to have to set up some sort of academy.

Speaker 12 (48:58):
Could you foster them into, foster them out, foster them
out into sort of cricketing families.

Speaker 3 (49:04):
You really need to focus them on there. I mean
they need to be bowling bumpers from the age of two.

Speaker 2 (49:08):
Right. It's nature plus nature and we have to be
in charge of both.

Speaker 12 (49:11):
Really, so what about some kind of stranger things type lab.

Speaker 2 (49:16):
Absolutely, this is exactly what we want. This has proved
to bunker.

Speaker 4 (49:20):
This is proved to me this is a great idea
because Matt Heath is in total agreement. It's just coming
up with the same ideas we've got. So that for
me is the test.

Speaker 2 (49:26):
Yeah.

Speaker 12 (49:27):
So it's sort of a highly secure bunker where you
do horrific experiments on them everything to make them amazing.

Speaker 3 (49:33):
Well, our problem is, Matt, you know this, Man Heath
is our pool of players in New Zealand is tiny
compared to who we're playing against in Australia, England, India.

Speaker 2 (49:42):
So you've got to make the most of what you've got.

Speaker 3 (49:44):
Yeah, And if that means we have to farm the
seed of Sir Richard Hadley, Jim Southy, Lucky Ferguson, we've.

Speaker 2 (49:51):
Got to do what we've got to do correct and
what we.

Speaker 3 (49:54):
Could do on the international stage if we could sell
a couple of straws of Richard Hadley's too India.

Speaker 2 (50:00):
I mean, look, we've.

Speaker 4 (50:00):
Already done this. We've already done this with animals. We're
world leaders in this when it comes to cattle.

Speaker 2 (50:06):
Yeah.

Speaker 12 (50:07):
Well, I was speaking at a Bull Seaman conference recently
and the keynote speaker, there's a keynote speaker, there's a
l O v yes, and it's amazing what they've done done. Well,
there's something I'll tell you what some of the bulls
have done that when when I went in there, there's
like a it's a huge, a huge facility down there

(50:28):
in the white cattle and you go there and and
it's they've got a pool there.

Speaker 2 (50:32):
It's beautiful buildings.

Speaker 12 (50:33):
But when you walk in, there's a hall of fame
for the bulls that have inseminated.

Speaker 2 (50:37):
The most, the most.

Speaker 12 (50:39):
And I think there was one called I think he
had quite a pedestrian name like Gary or something, but
he had done one point two million inseminations. Wow, he
was just now that he has that's even that's more
in seminations then probably even terms out.

Speaker 6 (50:56):
That's that's shots. He's come up with one point two
million shots.

Speaker 3 (50:59):
Hold announce Nate than Smith the debutante back in to
the attack.

Speaker 2 (51:02):
What can he do?

Speaker 3 (51:03):
He struts the pad of Olli Pope that goes down
to find leg for a single, he's got two for
forty six.

Speaker 2 (51:09):
He should have the Wicked of harry Brook. See again.

Speaker 6 (51:12):
To me, that's just proof of the concept. We're on
the right.

Speaker 3 (51:15):
Track here, because imagine if you could sell you know,
one million straws of Richard Hadley's seed.

Speaker 4 (51:24):
Well, what we do is we should we coming out
to stud We've got to take a long term view
of this, much like the Chinese. So we breed them
from people like Sir Richard Hadley, sim Saudi, what have you,
and then we keep reading them, Mike, until we come
up with a kind of a super athlete Smith.

Speaker 3 (51:38):
Or he gets the outside edge of Brook that goes
two phillips at Galley.

Speaker 2 (51:43):
We don't want to stop it just one.

Speaker 6 (51:45):
There's no point having one child that's born of two
great athletes.

Speaker 4 (51:48):
We've got to then take that child like dog breeders,
and then breed it to perfection.

Speaker 2 (51:53):
Yea, because we need the scale.

Speaker 4 (51:54):
Yeah, and we need the numbers to cover injuries and
what have you.

Speaker 2 (51:58):
Many codes and women's it's all falling into place in
my head.

Speaker 3 (52:04):
So slight change of field for Smith is a first
slip and like almost a fourth slip is a short
mid wicket and a short cover who were catching So
Smith break type package she's running into.

Speaker 2 (52:18):
Is comes in and Brooks just defends this to the
man at full slip.

Speaker 1 (52:25):
The common jerry that makes even dop ball sound good.
This is the Alternative Commentary Collective.

Speaker 10 (52:33):
Oh thanks to the great New Zealanders at Max.

Speaker 2 (52:37):
Rath, I got a tree in my car at the moment.
Christmas tree Yeah.

Speaker 3 (52:43):
In it yeah, facal real, real, that's gonna that's gonna
really stink up the joint.

Speaker 2 (52:50):
Yeah. I picked it up on the way to work
this morning and still in there.

Speaker 9 (52:56):
Have you got some towels down because they don't have
like steppy.

Speaker 2 (52:59):
Yeah, it's a bit no towels down, No romance Raggs.

Speaker 3 (53:03):
It's the came Smith who it's good bowling by Smith,
just cramping up Stokes And that's the end of his
thirteenth diver.

Speaker 2 (53:11):
He's got two for sixty two. And I was just
rammed it in the roar this morning. Was there any
reason why you had to pick up this morning?

Speaker 3 (53:18):
You couldn't just did you have to go to a
specific place to get your Christmas tree or did.

Speaker 12 (53:23):
You just well, I've got a big day tomorrow actually
out on the water with acc Stall Jeremy Wales and
his boat, and so I was putt in charge of
getting a tree.

Speaker 2 (53:41):
Is this the ro before the rock summon on water? Yeah?

Speaker 12 (53:44):
So although the weather might not be good, so might
they're good, so might be on land.

Speaker 2 (53:49):
We could just go to the marina. Yeah.

Speaker 12 (53:52):
So, but I was put in charge of getting a
Christmas tree, and I thought the only time I can
get it up is in the both of Christmas tree
and and and else.

Speaker 2 (54:01):
Wives is in the morning. So I went and got
it today, because.

Speaker 8 (54:06):
What's the deal?

Speaker 9 (54:07):
Is it December first? When you do a Christmas tree?

Speaker 2 (54:12):
Technically technically one but good in January? How big you go?
Six foot?

Speaker 5 (54:17):
Nah?

Speaker 3 (54:18):
Sow the wine and slashed out by Brooke.

Speaker 2 (54:22):
Now to cover point again he's just throws the bat
at it.

Speaker 3 (54:27):
It's not most allgant of batsman, but hes to eighty seven.

Speaker 2 (54:32):
I've got a bit of a choad. Actually, did you
get a chod?

Speaker 5 (54:34):
He?

Speaker 9 (54:34):
Did you?

Speaker 2 (54:35):
Please? Were we talking four foot? Yeah? A bit of
a four foot showed?

Speaker 3 (54:38):
Did you Was that requested by the the better half?
Or did you just go for the cheapest one?

Speaker 12 (54:46):
I was sent to get a tree? But I think
it might be one of those situations. I'm pretty sure
whatever tree I bring back or there'll be problems.

Speaker 2 (54:53):
Have got a base for it?

Speaker 9 (54:55):
Nah, just a bucket with rocks.

Speaker 2 (54:57):
Really you got a water it though? Widget behind the out.

Speaker 3 (55:02):
Saudi and to Stokes. Stokes whips us off the pads
out to the square leg. I'll think about too, and
they'll get it comfortably.

Speaker 12 (55:08):
If you wrap enough tit'sal around. It doesn't really matter
if it falls over.

Speaker 7 (55:11):
Yeah.

Speaker 8 (55:13):
Do you have to water your Christmas tree?

Speaker 3 (55:14):
Yea, yeah, man, Yeah, that's those Christmas trees. They drink
so much water.

Speaker 7 (55:18):
Really.

Speaker 2 (55:18):
Yeah.

Speaker 12 (55:19):
When I bought my Christmas tree this morning, this guy
tried to sell me like some magic beans. He had
a bag of special beans that you're supposed to put
in the water that would give at the nutrients to
keep it going.

Speaker 2 (55:28):
I keep it going.

Speaker 12 (55:29):
I thought, that's brilliant, isn't it. It's the upsail. So
you bought a tree, and then they try and sell
you the you know, the torture device where you screw
the tree in.

Speaker 2 (55:37):
Yeah, I've got the torture device. Yeah yeah. Is it
the kind of tripod? Yeah, screws that yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 12 (55:43):
So they sell you the torture device, and then now
they've decided to trick you into buying magic beans to
keep it alive.

Speaker 2 (55:49):
Souy Into Stokes, who just leaves this to the keeper.
It's just too wide for Into plays left well as Stokes.

Speaker 12 (55:56):
He's like, the guys like all organic nutrients that your
tree needs, just for another ten bucks.

Speaker 3 (56:05):
And You're like, nah, I'm taking your chodiest, smallest tree. Yeah, yeah,
I'm stuffing in the back of my forward focus.

Speaker 2 (56:11):
I don't need your little baggie.

Speaker 9 (56:13):
My grandma just used to check a disperine or an
espirin into the water. Apparently that stops dropping its leaves,
pines and needles.

Speaker 3 (56:23):
I've heard dad, a sexy camel comes in to the
left hand.

Speaker 2 (56:27):
It's Stokes.

Speaker 3 (56:28):
Stokes walks across this creasy us, moving around the crease
by a lot.

Speaker 2 (56:32):
He goes forward and defends to the covers. Yeah, I
flipped between fake and real. I love the smell of
a fake real, a real. You smell of a fake
one or real one. You said titties. I just said

(56:54):
you said just that me. See you said fake, Someone
said titties. Oh that was the producer in your ear.

Speaker 3 (57:05):
But anyone out there listening, you're the only one that
said titties.

Speaker 2 (57:09):
You are the only one.

Speaker 7 (57:11):
If we.

Speaker 2 (57:13):
Look someone, if.

Speaker 12 (57:14):
Someone said the tapes, someone said fake and then someone
said tedties.

Speaker 2 (57:23):
If you go back and listen to the tapes. I'm
afraid it's you. You're the only one that said teddies
it's natural.

Speaker 3 (57:32):
Surely the natural smells far nicer.

Speaker 2 (57:35):
Someone said natural or fake, but I'm sure what we
were talking about. It's clean enough.

Speaker 3 (57:46):
Sally into the pads of stokes and looks around the corner,
down a fine leg for a single, and again the
game seems to meander on coverage.

Speaker 1 (57:56):
You'll never leave even when it's outside the line. This
is the alternative commentary collective. Oh, thanks to the great
New Zealanders at resive.

Speaker 12 (58:08):
You know that doggie Braceball recently got censured unfairly, I thought, because.

Speaker 2 (58:14):
He isn't a you know, role model. Now you're on
the nose beers. Was me.

Speaker 12 (58:19):
He was on the nosebiers and they see it even
though I had nothing to do with the game or
the This perform performance wasn't performance dancing.

Speaker 2 (58:26):
He was a role model, which I thought it was
because they publicized it. Like if he actually was a
role model, then then if they hadn't done anything, then
no one would have heard about it. But but I
wonder came Smith and two stokes around the work.

Speaker 3 (58:38):
It's short and on the pool, it's quite timate, and
it dribbles down to fine leg.

Speaker 2 (58:43):
To row for a single.

Speaker 12 (58:44):
I wonder if you know, you do your first test
and it comes up with a acid, you know, three
days into a test match.

Speaker 2 (58:53):
I mean were they what are you doing?

Speaker 12 (58:57):
It's highly unusual, I mean match whatever. The opposite of
enhancing is perform many you'd just be scratching your head
as you know, a drugs tester, you'd be.

Speaker 2 (59:11):
Like acid LSD, Muppet Smath then two brook Brooks back
and across and defends this.

Speaker 3 (59:23):
But like, we know why that that came out because
that happened in January of this year, and I think
that's when he did it, and the results came out
in April.

Speaker 2 (59:33):
Yet in November we were finding out about it.

Speaker 3 (59:36):
And that was purely an administrative thing because I don't
think New's go on cricket that had lapsed on their
retainer payment to Whitewashed Investigations, right, And it was a
message from Whitewashed Investigations. And if you know about whitewash,
but they ones that cover up all the NRL scandals.
You know, the powder that was on the shield, that
was the resin, that was whitewash, and it just goes away.
They're one of the most powerful organizations in the world

(59:58):
whitewashed investigations and then most of most sports associations have
them on retainer. But every now and then they have
to send a message and this one was sent to
New Zealand Cricket with you know, if you if you
don't reinstall the automatic payment, you.

Speaker 2 (01:00:12):
Can't just call us up and do it, you know,
scandal by scandal.

Speaker 12 (01:00:17):
Yeah, you have to give us on retaining absolutely and
look for the Rambhilly shield.

Speaker 2 (01:00:21):
One was amazing.

Speaker 12 (01:00:22):
I mean, you've got you got rolled up notes, you've
got yeah, white powder, No, what's the white powder.

Speaker 2 (01:00:28):
It's plastic.

Speaker 3 (01:00:29):
Yeah, it's plaster that it was used on the shield
and so and Whitewash came in and they said that
they rolled a few people out and we moved on.

Speaker 2 (01:00:36):
Yeah, I mean it's brilliant, isn't it it is? It's
I mean, NRL, there's another brilliant one.

Speaker 3 (01:00:42):
Whitewash were involved in the AFL where the AFL were
drug testing players for recreational drugs and then if they.

Speaker 2 (01:00:49):
Came up positive, they were standing them down for injury.

Speaker 3 (01:00:53):
So they were saying they'll give them a warning and
saying take a couple of weeks off to cool down,
don't do again.

Speaker 2 (01:00:58):
Yeah, Whitewash.

Speaker 3 (01:00:59):
Whitewash and drew up that policy and said drug test
for recreational and then just drop them for injury for
a couple of weeks and just seem to shot over
their bow.

Speaker 12 (01:01:09):
We got Whitewash on retainer for the sec No, yeah,
we haven't. Unfortunately, that's why I guess why we're so
raddled with scandal. I mean, you've been canceled recently. Whitewash
could have sorted that out. They would have actually, then
comes Phillips and two Stokes.

Speaker 3 (01:01:28):
He's got an introduction of spin before the end of
the day's play, but he just works it down the
long on for a single coverage.

Speaker 1 (01:01:34):
You'll never leave even when it's outside the line. This
is the Alternative Commentary Collective. Oh thanks to the great
New Zealanders at received