April 12, 2025 • 35 mins
Senior Parent Coach Jenny Hale discusses the importance of resilience in parents.
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Speaker 1 (00:05):
You're listening to the Weekend Collective podcast from News Talks B.
Speaker 2 (00:33):
Welcome back to news Talk said B. If you or
if you have just joined us, welcome, This is the
Weekend Collective. I'm Tim Beverage. If you've missed in our
previous hours with an interesting chat with d W robertson
Property Apprentice, just around house to restructure, how to structure
your mortgage given you know the fluctuations in the O
c R and all that sort of stuff. So you
can go check out our podcast at news Talk Sad,
Dot Cutter and z Or on the iHeartRadio appened. Also
(00:56):
a panel discussion, as always entertaining, this time this time
it was with Pete wolf Camp and Joe McCarroll. But
right now it is time for the Parents Squad. We
want calls eight hundred eighty ten eighty text nine to
nine two and we're gonna have it. We want to
have a chat about resilience and whether kids are more
or less resilient than they used to be. And is
(01:18):
it if they are less resilient? Is that because partly
because parents are less resilient we can't handle failure in
our kids? And where because we are not so resilient
at dealing with failure. We're injecting ourselves into the situation
and taking away the challenges that maybe kids could be
meeting and conquering themselves anyway, So we're going to have
(01:39):
a chat with about resilience when what your calls on?
Eight hundred eighty ten eighty And do you think that
children are less resilience now? But what are the keys
to having resilient kids who can deal with life's disappointments
and ups and downs? And to discuss it? And she
is in studio with me now from the parenting place.
She's a senior parent coach there and her name is
(01:59):
Jenny Hale. Hi, Jenny, how are you doing?
Speaker 3 (02:01):
Tim? I'm good, yea lovely to be here.
Speaker 2 (02:05):
Are our kid's less resilient these days? You reckon? I mean,
it's a big hot take and it's a broad question.
But do we have issues with resilience?
Speaker 3 (02:13):
And I do think we do have issues with resilience.
I've been working with families for about thirty years now,
and I probably see parents struggle with allowing their children
to face disappointment, failure, just generally wanting to get in
there quickly and sort it out and leave the kind
(02:34):
of the pain that actually we normally we need a
bit of struggle, a little bit of hardship, a little
bit of it's not working out, a little bit of
let's go back and have another go at that, let's
leave it for a minute and come back. We need
to let our kids stretch a little bit with life stuff,
(02:55):
and parents are finding that hard to do. And can
I give a generous interpretation of parents, because I think
parents are doing, you know, a really big challenging job.
And I think parents, in their generosity want to have
happy kids who aren't struggling and unhappy and disappointed and
(03:16):
let down and bored and lonely and all of those things.
But in our generosity, I think we're preventing a really
important thing, which is letting kids have a bit of struggle,
find that they're not in the team, they didn't get
invited to the party, and what they need is to
(03:36):
kind of hit their big feelings and not be so
overwhelmed by them that they are screaming over the fact
that you haven't got the right ice cream flavor or cereal,
or you've cut the crusts off wrong. It's the little
things that we bail our kids out.
Speaker 2 (03:55):
Of where does that come from? With I mean and kids, Mum,
you brought the wrong bread? Why did you get that?
And then all of a sudden it's oh, you got,
you got. I don't know the issue is actually I
can imagine you got crunchy and not smooth peanut butter.
But I mean, and kids will sometimes have a meltdown
at the end of the term or the week when
they're just tired and they're done in. But are we
(04:16):
seeing more of that? Do you think that that we are?
I mean, because life has changed, we have instant access
to information and communication with each other and everything's more immediate.
But are we seeing that sort of in kids' reactions
to things that they are sort of over in flight,
that their reactions to disappointment are sometimes more than they
(04:39):
need to be.
Speaker 3 (04:40):
Yeah, I think you're right about the end of term
staff or you'll recognize, Man, my child doesn't normally, you know,
really lose it over the fact that I haven't got
the right snack. But if it is a regular occurrence
that they are disappointed about sort of the smallest of
things on a regular basis, you might want to ask
(05:02):
yourself as a parent am I bailey my kid out?
Am I rescuing them? Am I in need of them
to be happy and peaceful? So I will do anything
to get them out of this feeling that they're having.
And am I really communicating to my child that I
am afraid of their feelings and they should be as well?
And therefore, you know, because kids are such good researchers,
(05:25):
they know when we all move and accommodate. Now they're
not being It's not they're not being bad, They're just
good researchers. And if they think, if I am really
upset about something and something changes because my parents can't
bear me to be upset, then the research they do
is this is working. And probably I'm afraid of my feelings,
(05:47):
and so is mumble Dad.
Speaker 2 (05:49):
So because I always trying to resist having going for
the blunt sort of accusation or summary about something. But
I would have a suspicion that if kids are reacting
dramatically to little things all the time, that's mostly on parents.
(06:13):
Somehow the parents have gone wrong somewhere in the way
that they're dealing with things. So now you know what
I mean. If parents have managed resilience and disappointment better
earlier on. You're not going to get the drama queens
when it comes to wrong flavor of peanut butter.
Speaker 3 (06:31):
I think we can do a lot in the early years,
in the preschool years, and they're just small building blocks.
I do think that there are some children who will
struggle more with disappointment. If you're on the neurodiverse, if
you are very sensitive, these children will probably go deeper
(06:52):
and higher with their feelings. But in general, I think
we can do lots to help our kids build this resilience.
You know I've seen. Can I give an example a
few years ago? You know, We've been a family who
loves or not me, everyone else except me loves running.
And I'm off watching cross country and I see a
girl who looks about seven, and I see her start
(07:15):
the race with a group of other looks like seven
year olds, and she is way behind everybody else, and
I sort of feel like, Oh, she's going to pull
out soon because she's got no company. And this is
a lonely race. It's a long she's running three kilometers
maybe five. She hangs in there the entire time, is lapped,
(07:41):
is not looking like this is the worst thing in
the world, And finishes with a smile on her face,
and I kind of think, man, you're going to go somewhere.
You've got enough in a determination to keep you there,
maybe emotional.
Speaker 2 (07:57):
You tell me that story, because it's just that's the
sort of kid she's hung her her worth on finishing it,
whereas there'd be kids who'll be like, I came fifth
in the race, and that's no good because I should
have won. And where does that expectation come. Does that
come from the kids or is that coming from parents?
(08:18):
And I mean, because sometimes children are capable of setting
their own goals and being pretty gutted. Oh yeah.
Speaker 3 (08:24):
I imagine it was a bit of both. She may
have been an easy going kid who just liked getting
out and having a run, or she may have been
she may have heard messages, which is what I'm guessing,
which is the journey is more important than the outcome.
Do your best, race against yourself, have a good time,
(08:47):
see if you improve, and we've got your back. We're
watching and we're enjoying you out there running. I imagine
there was that kind of backstop for her.
Speaker 2 (08:58):
I think that that sounds to me like also the
community that girls and is really supportive there's I actually
must have me. It makes me emotional thinking about it,
but I'll give a shout out to my wife. Teaches
it a Churchill Park school and when my kids were there,
they'd do the cross country and there were kids of
different abilities and some were disabled, but everyone did the
(09:18):
cross country. But the thing that got me about it,
I remember being on the finish line with a bunch
of other mums and when this so. What they do
is they have senior girls or senior girls and boys
who will lead out and there'll be ones who will
bring up the real rear as well, but they'll support
the kids who are coming last. And I remember this
girl who was struggling but that she was supported all
(09:39):
the way and she finished. I mean, choose me up
now I get thinking about it. But at the end,
we're sitting there with tears running on her face. I looked.
I was thinking, oh my god, I'm embarrassed. I've got
tears down the street, and I looked to the mums
to the left of me, and everyone was like, oh,
but that was about supporting kids in a way that
built her resilience. Look you finished, And so much of
(10:01):
that it's not just about parents. As well. It's about the.
Speaker 3 (10:03):
Communities absolutely, and that's what I think that's the ingredient.
You need, not only opportunity to be resilient and parents
hanging on to their own big feelings, but your children
knowing that you've got their back, that you are supporting
them no matter what, that you're the part of that community.
(10:24):
If a child feels completely abandoned on their own, you know,
sometimes we'll say things that we shouldn't, like you're a
cry baby, and just you know, knuckle down and get
through it. I think that they need to know that
we know it's hard, and they need to know that
they're not going to get any regal room either.
Speaker 2 (10:43):
So you know, it's something made me think of as
we're talking about this about building resilience in your kids
and in parents, is that the importance of community events
as well, because I would say a lot of parents
would have learnt something about resilience by watching everyone do
their thing and to see that, Okay, my daughter came
(11:05):
tenth for something and she'll be disappointed, but look at
this girl here or this boy here who struggled and finished.
And I think that's the more we are involved in
communities to get a sense of where everyone's at. Does
that surely that must help that if you are living
in your own little bubble of just judging your individual
child's disappointment, then maybe you need to go and watch
(11:26):
a few other teams and people compete and to see
the broad spectrum of what's out there, to just get
a sense of life's not so bad.
Speaker 3 (11:34):
Yeah, And that's why watching sport is so good in
the Olympics and the Commonwealth Games, because you see on
the athletes faces often just the I mean, they've dedicated
years and years of their lives and what gets them
through and some of them don't do well with failure,
(11:54):
but what brings somebody back again and again and again.
And I just love hearing stories where kids have faced
some failure, you know. So when I know who daughter
didn't get into the there was a leadership thing at
school and her I believe it was her attendance wasn't
(12:15):
up to the up to the grade. I mean, she
got the flu, poor girl, and so she was out
of the leadership thing. But she continued in a program
that was teaching her more leadership skills because she was like, Okay,
I didn't get the goal. I was going for but
I can pivot and still learn new skills and still
(12:35):
hang in there. And I think that persistence, and that's
a word I love. I think we need it in families,
is to sort of bring up this word persistence alongside
resiliency and help our kids hang in there when it's
hard going.
Speaker 2 (12:50):
Who lets to learn that lesson more kids or parents?
Because I suspect I want you to say parents, because
I'm thinking that's the answer, am I right?
Speaker 3 (12:58):
Yeah? I mean kids, whether we like it or not,
watch us. They learn from us. I mean, they learn
from our mistakes and they know that we're human, and
when we mess up, I think we should say yeap,
that was me. I didn't even if we hate failure ourselves,
because some of us are perfectionists and we don't like
being corrected and we don't like getting it wrong, and
(13:19):
we don't like getting really good scores. But we should
let our kids know that. Bigger than that is that
we want to stay in the journey and we want
to learn stuff, and we want to be persistent, and
we want to be able to handle failure. And if
you don't handle failure, you're going to find it harder
for your kids. To they're going to find it harder.
Speaker 2 (13:38):
I guess. The other thing is it's one thing for
you not to handle your own failures, but it's when
you are judging. I mean parents who attach their own
happiness to whether their child has been the one that's
scored all the goals. And look, I love watching my
daughter play netball and hockey and everything, and I get
a kick out of his scoring goals because it's always
(13:58):
a treat. But I would hate to get a kick
out of the extent that I think the game has
sucked because it's crocol or something.
Speaker 3 (14:06):
Now that's common, though, that's very common to have a
go at the ref and to rage at the school
or someone for your child's failure. And it's so unhelpful.
And of course we love it when they do well
and they shine and they're winning on there. There's success.
There's nothing wrong with that, but we need as much
(14:28):
energy given to the times when they drop the ball
where it doesn't work out, where they're not invited, where
they are way in the back of cross country, where
they're a toddler and they're building something and it keeps
breaking and you kind of don't keep fixing it for
them and you say, let's come back tomorrow and have
(14:48):
another go. Those are the sort of things that build
resilient We love your.
Speaker 2 (14:52):
Cause on this. How do you think what's the best
way to build your kids resilience? Give us a call
eight hundred and eighty ten eighty or is it something
you need to look in the mirrors apparent and go,
you know what, Maybe I'm not handling this particularly well
because actually, to be honest, Mike reaction would be if
someone was a new parent who says I need to
you know, how do I build my kid's resilience? The
first thing I'd say is we'll get over your own
(15:12):
ambitions and yourself. Just get over it, just forget it's
not about you, And I think not a bad starting
point anyway. We'll take your calls on it, though, because
you know I'm not the expert here. Jenny Hailer's and
if you've got these questions for Jenny as well, you
can give us a call on O eight one hundred
and eighty ten eighty Text nine two twenty two past five.
Speaker 3 (15:45):
Oh no, Come, here's.
Speaker 2 (15:50):
Welcome back to the Parents Squad on the Weekend Collective.
I'm Tim Bever's my guest is Jenny Hale. She's from
Parentingplace dot m Z. We're talking about how do you
teach your kids resilience and or should you teach yourself
resilience first and then pass onto your kids. Oh my goodness.
When I ask that question, Jenny, that feels like that
is the answers.
Speaker 3 (16:10):
Is that the answer you should kind of is the answer.
Look at yourself in the mirror, grow with your kids. Look,
we all know that we've got areas that we we
have our own big feelings. We're human. And if you
know that, you know you can't be here to see
your children unhappy or disappointed or bored or lonely or
(16:30):
or whatever. Sometimes it's a growth area for yourself. And
I always say to parents, Look, I think you're parenting
is the biggest invitation you're ever going to get to grow.
So do it alongside your child. And I think that's great.
Speaker 2 (16:45):
It's al much like treating it. You'll get more out
of this than your kids. Possibly you do it right.
Speaker 3 (16:49):
Yeah, you will. You'll hit the heights of joy and
the depths of despair, but you'll you'll grow right and
you'll learn stuff.
Speaker 2 (16:56):
Let's take some calls Pete.
Speaker 4 (16:58):
Hello people, Cord Hello, you're good things to him. Look,
I just want to say, I've got a thirty three
year old son and he's just solo dead to my
ten year old grandson. They both lived in South Auckland
and make a lot of benefit from their community. They
(17:22):
just love this school. And my son's been a solo
dad early eight years now and the kids getting stronger
and stronger both physically and emotionally and Italy and I
think it's a support not just a solodead, but the
whole find have been helping out for his entire life,
including them.
Speaker 3 (17:42):
That's so cool.
Speaker 4 (17:45):
I think it's finery support that really gets the kids
see they know they're in their friends, not just but
the things too. I think it's good to have a
good community network for the solo appearance, I say to
fall back on Yeah, actually.
Speaker 2 (18:04):
Jenny, I can't get away from that sort of must
feels like a moment of inspiration that the key for
resilience for kids is it is to be part of
a wider community. You think you can imagine the families
where they're just within their own little enclave all the time,
and unless those parents are really give passing on good lessons,
there's less chance for comparison with others and for that
(18:26):
sense of support. I don't want to be too kumbayur
about it.
Speaker 3 (18:29):
You know. I think we need a bit of kumbay aren't.
Speaker 4 (18:32):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (18:32):
I think the fun no support as subcontracting, letting others
know you, you know, inviting more experiences or people who've
got skills that you haven't got. And it sounds like
your son Pete's done a really good job of looking
out and allowing others to be part of sort of
(18:53):
raising him. I guess it's the you know, the village thing,
But we do we need more than just what's in
our own little world. And yeah, I think other can
add so much to our kids.
Speaker 2 (19:08):
Thanks for your corporate actually on that? Is there something okay?
Another theory of throw I mean I specialize in the
dumb questions, but I think we do have a generation
compared to previous generations, where parents, maybe a busier, feel
they've got less time for their kids, and so they
want they focused on making their kids happy, which means
(19:31):
that the pressure comes that they try and ameliorate and
improve any any negative situation, which denies the kids that chance.
Speaker 3 (19:39):
I think being aware that because we are busier, we're
doing a more of a juggle. And I would say
parents are feeling often feeling a bit guilty, and they
want to compensate, and often compensating looks like being generous,
and it looks like, well, you're unhappy about the kind
of dinner I've cooked, so you know I'm going to
(20:00):
cook you another one. You're unhappy about missing out on
the parties, so we'll have a party at home. You
can end up being driven by your own world and
your own feelings of inadequacy or guilt, and kind of
not just stepping back, sitting on your hands and letting
some of the stuff that looks like it makes our
(20:22):
kids unhappy. But when they get through a big feeling
and they've survived and they think I did it, I'm okay.
That's so good for them.
Speaker 2 (20:31):
Actually. The other thing that we live in a society
where we are fortunate in many respects that if you
want something, you've got the money. There's probably nothing you
can't find to buy if you want. And I guess
it's too easy to spoil kids as well. They want
X y Z and ABCDF for their birthday. Well maybe
(20:54):
you should leave a couple of things off that list.
I don't know. I don't mean deliberately stingy, but keep
what do you? But you know what I mean? How
do you kids can see? Oh I love one of those,
or such and such has got one of those.
Speaker 3 (21:07):
Yeah, there's a thrill of getting kids stuff. I don't
deny that, but I would love parents to go out
with their kids and not buy them something every time.
I just I ask parents that now and coaching, I say,
do you ever go out shopping and there's nothing that
actually is given to your child and that I mean
you might be doing the food shop and stuff like that,
(21:28):
and they're part of it. But we have tended to
think that our kids need something every time we go out,
and we can't bear the fuss, so we buy them something,
or we our kids know that we're we've got If
you've got the resources, it feels like, well, I can,
I can do this. But I think that delayed gratification.
Kids earning some money, doing some chores around home, big
(21:53):
chores around home, stuff like that's really good for kids.
So I think we have to hold back and let
some things come later.
Speaker 2 (22:01):
Yeah, okay, don't worry. I wholeheartedly agree with that, but
probably because I don't like to spend too much money
all the time. Either it does, it's a win win.
Speaker 3 (22:12):
Hi.
Speaker 2 (22:12):
I have a three and a half year old that
is very focused on being first ahead of her brother
all the time. She has big emotions when she isn't.
I sometimes make her go second on purpose because I
think she needs to learn second is okay and to
deal with the emotions. Is that wrong? Do you have
any tips for that age?
Speaker 4 (22:28):
Please?
Speaker 2 (22:29):
Makes it's from well no name actually okay.
Speaker 3 (22:33):
Love it because yeah, three and a half year olds
are learning, aren't They about winning and losing? And some
kids are so determined to you know, whether it's get
to the car first, push the buzzer first, you know,
whatever it is. Give her opportunities to learn that sometimes
she'll be first and sometimes she won't. And your job
(22:54):
is to comfort say I know you want it to
be first, and then to not get into busy words
and busy action. Your kids just need a cuddle and
the sense that that you're with them, they do not
need you just to explain why everyone can't be first
every time. And we tend to talk too much, So
(23:17):
I'm just going to say, top tip, don't talk too much. Second,
give them a cuddle, and also know that she's young,
she's going to learn and it's going to take a
long time.
Speaker 2 (23:26):
It's some other words, why can't I go first? It's like, well,
you're not going first and not explaining it. There we go,
deal with it, no explanation.
Speaker 3 (23:33):
Sometimes we give so many reasons that we just get
into these big negotiations with kids and they sort of
feel like that they almost feel our anxiety, that we
are so anxious that we're over convincing ourselves.
Speaker 2 (23:49):
And how do you deal with that? I mean, how
do you deal with the sibling rivalries? I mean can
be things as simple as, you know, fighting over who
gets in the front seat, assuming they're old enough to
go on the front seat. I mean, any any particular
sling siblings who are competing over every thing. I got
the last week books? You know, I had chocolate, didn't
(24:09):
you get me? All the sort of you know, I
wouldn't say that happens in my house necessarily, perhaps from
time to time.
Speaker 3 (24:15):
Yeah, it's a big topic. TI, but one of the
things that we love doing is it's called leader of
the week or leader of the day. Now that day,
your child gets to choose. Let's say it's Sally's turn.
She's leader of the day, and she chooses the things
like where to sit in the car, assuming that it's
(24:36):
all legal, the type of ice cream, maybe, what's for
dinner on Friday night, the little things that could squabble over.
So just give a child a ten.
Speaker 2 (24:46):
What would you do if kids use that as a
power play, Like I get to do such and such,
so I'm going to order the ice cream that I
know you hate. Not that I mean, I don't know
what I do about that.
Speaker 3 (24:57):
Actually, yeah, I think that alongside that kind of thing,
you're teaching your kids compassion and not do things that
are against it. So one child is likely to abuse
the system. So yeah, you'll need to step in and say,
let's choose out of these ones that we know everyone
will like these flavors, so your kids can be pretty
(25:19):
cruel and tough on one another. You know. The other thing,
we rarely recommend parents have a guy out and let's
use the red plate, and we sell the red plate
with a big star on it. It's the sort of
start of.
Speaker 2 (25:33):
That up to a certain age. I'm guessing with the
red plate, how can you how long can you play
the red plate?
Speaker 3 (25:37):
When our sun turned to twenty three and finished, he
asked to beat off the red.
Speaker 2 (25:47):
What's the red plate? How does that work?
Speaker 3 (25:49):
It's you get to eat off it if you've done
something special, like you've finished across country, I don't mean
want it finished it. If you've handled a big disappointment,
if you've been kind and sharing with your siblings, if
you've done something really good at school and you've come
home with certificate, you get to eat off it. And
parents are like, oh, we just have mayhem in our
(26:11):
home if anyone was to eat off the red plate,
and I say, well, that's probably why you need it,
because we we've got to teach our kids how to
handle winning and losing, how to accommodate loss, and how
to celebrate. So if your sibling comes home and he's
finished the cross country and he's eating off the red plate,
(26:34):
parents are doing the job of saying, we're going to
we're all going to congratulate Simon tonight for what he's
just done. So you are helping your kids step into
that space.
Speaker 2 (26:44):
They'll be Parents be like, but what do I do
about the other child who's had a good day on
something you know yep.
Speaker 3 (26:50):
And you say you comfort them and say I know
it was great too. Tonight we're celebrating Simon, and we're
so scared of doing this of you know, it's got
to be fear and equal all of the time. It
can't be fair and equal all of the time. We
will do our best, but some days somebody's eating off
the red plate and I recommend parents should eat.
Speaker 2 (27:12):
Well, where do they do?
Speaker 4 (27:14):
You?
Speaker 2 (27:14):
Guys actually have literally a red plate parent We.
Speaker 3 (27:17):
Literally sell red plate summer. There's the China version or
the plastic version. They're only about ten dollars each. So
you know, you can get on our website and water one.
Speaker 2 (27:26):
Really parentingplace dot NZ, isn't it. I'm gonna search red Plate,
have a look at it. Oh, it's got a big
star there as well. Yes, ceramic plate, you are a star.
I've got to say, I kind of like that one.
I'm be tempted to get it. We're going to take
(27:47):
a break. We want to. I've got some interesting texts
to get into as well. But in terms of teaching resilience,
how do you go about teaching your kids' resilience or
do you focus on your own resilience first, and then
the rest flows. I tend to think that's a little
bit like the old what is it physician? Heal thyself?
It's twenty two and a half minutes to six news Talks.
He'd be news Talk, said b. This is the Parents
(28:24):
Squad on the Weekend Collective. I'mton Beverage and my guest
is Jenny Hale. She is from the Parenting Place Parenting Place,
Dottie and Z and she's a senior parent coach. There.
By the way, you've got a book out which I've
got we've got at home, and I think Jenny, I
would have to say that it is my favorite parenting book.
And we've had a few on the show. What's it called?
(28:44):
Against the Kind, Firm.
Speaker 3 (28:46):
Calm, Good tim Here it is AFC.
Speaker 2 (28:53):
There we go and anyway we can.
Speaker 3 (28:55):
People get it on our website they can get it.
Speaker 2 (28:59):
And by the way, I don't say this in any
sense of favoritism or anything, but if you were looking
for a book on parenting to give you some good, solid, sensible,
compassionate advice, I would highly recommend it because if you
imagine any problem you've got as a parent, if you
open up and search for a particular chapter on your problem.
(29:19):
It'll be there and it's got some great advice in there,
so I would highly recommend it. So go to the
parenting Place and kind, firm calm by Jenny Hale. And
she hasn't asked me to even mention it or anything.
I just had to throw that in there because it
is one of those things that's got some great bits
of advice. Let's look at some of the problems we've
got on the text. How do you deal with a
foster child who has turned ten, has had a lot
(29:43):
of money spent on her, yet has a tantrum because
she wants to play games at the arcades. That's from
a nana of her.
Speaker 3 (29:51):
Okay, Nana, this is hard because yeah, kids love, they
see stuff, and they're used to being able to get
a yes. I think sometimes you just have to give
them a little sort of a rehearsal for what's happening
ahead of time, because some kids are determined and sure
that it's going to be a yes. So, you know,
with our kids or green kids, sometimes I say, you know,
(30:13):
we're going shopping today, but I'm not actually going to
be buying anything for you, and I know that it'll
be disappointing because you'd love me to buy something for
you and you can be you can be sad and
that's fine. I'll be there to comfort you. So you
give them a sort of a heads.
Speaker 2 (30:29):
Up, so you have to be I think it's a
catch there that parents have to be prepared to weather
the storm that's going to come.
Speaker 3 (30:36):
Oh, it's going to cross.
Speaker 2 (30:37):
If you're got to mollify them, then you're making a
rod for your own back, caren't you.
Speaker 3 (30:40):
Every time you say no, no, we're not, we're not,
and then you do, your child has just had that
intermittent reinforcement which is incredibly.
Speaker 2 (30:51):
Powerful, and just trained them.
Speaker 3 (30:52):
Yeah, they've just you've just made shopping much harder. So
you have to sort of fortify yourself in a sense
with am I going to Is today a treat day?
And maybe it is awesome? Is today a day where
I'm not actually going to buy them anything? But I'd
love them to come with me and we'll have a
lovely time and we might end up at the beach
(31:15):
with you know, the sandwiches that I've made. Just be
fortified and ready yourself because there will be big feelings,
especially if they're coming from fair another family where it's
been yes all the time. I would also like to
say that children get to know that there is rules
in this home this way, and then there's your rules
(31:37):
and they can adjust and make Yeah, can kind of
learn oh when I'm with Nana.
Speaker 2 (31:45):
Even lessons that have been learned over several years. If
you are consistent, you can change that child's expectations.
Speaker 3 (31:51):
I guess, oh, we need to know that we can.
We need to reset. I talk about that in the
book The Family Reset, which you think, Okay, I don't
want to continue doing what I'm doing. It's not doing
us anything. How do we reset? And I think we've
got to have a little family WHOI and say, guys,
this isn't working. From now on, You'll notice that we're
(32:14):
doing this differently or I'm doing this differently, and they're
not going to see what a great idea.
Speaker 2 (32:18):
I love it.
Speaker 3 (32:21):
That they're going to moan and groan and then they're
going to wait to see the action, because you know,
words don't mean that much. Our actions mean a lot more.
Speaker 2 (32:30):
What about we were talking about in terms of managing
I mean the conversations evolved little bit where we're talking
about that text about one child being much more competitive
and having having to win everything, will be first at everything.
But Jenny, what happens? How do parents deal with kids
who are If you've got one child who's immensely talented
(32:50):
and wins everything and is getting all the attention, I mean,
we don't want to be in that society where you
there are kids who are going to do better than others.
But how do you manage that within a family where
another child isn't going to be the star of the
day and hasn't got one hundred percent in the life
test and hasn't you know, scored five goals that day
or something. How do you deal when you have a
disparity in children's abilities. You don't know, without erasing the
(33:14):
success of the talented one, But how do you what's
your advice for balancing that? I think children both having
self worth for their own.
Speaker 3 (33:24):
And this happens a lot. It's unlikely not to be
missed in families where there is a difference in ability
and you know, someone's bringing home all the certificates or
winning doing really well, and I think we look at
their character as well, so you're not just looking at
academic or sporting, you're spreading it to things that we've
(33:46):
all got a bit of control over. So you're noticing
their persistence or their generosity, or their kindness, or their
resilience or their empathy. Everybody has got something that can
be noticed.
Speaker 2 (34:01):
So you just have to fight. You've just got to
find the wins, because everyone will have a win. Maybe
your daughter hasn't or son hasn't, one hasn't scored the
try on the game, but maybe they supported their teammates
in a way or something that you can find.
Speaker 3 (34:13):
And if you're used to not looking beyond sporting and academic,
that's your challenge, as appearent, is to look further afield,
because everybody's got something that they can contribute and be
celebrated for.
Speaker 2 (34:25):
Gosh, hey Tom flies when you're having fun, Jenny comes up.
We've got but thank you so much for coming into
the into the studio again. I hope we'll get you
back soon. And if you want to check out Jenny's book,
it's kind Firm Cam. She mentions Parentingplace dot nz. So
what's what's keeping you busy? In the next sort of
(34:46):
does parenting place change when there's holidays?
Speaker 3 (34:48):
Everyone disappears and lots of the lots of the my
colleagues have kids, so there is less people in the office.
So yeah, I'll be a bit lonely in the office.
But yeah, we're still there. We're still coaching families, we're
doing talks, we're doing video things. There's some awesome articles
on our website.
Speaker 2 (35:09):
It is a brilliant resource. If you want to go
to Parentingplace dot nz and once you get there just
look for the just have a read of the various articles.
They've got pretty much something for everything any problem you
might or question you might have a parent. Jenny, great
to see you.
Speaker 3 (35:24):
Again, Thanks for having me.
Speaker 2 (35:26):
We'll be rapping sport in a moment with Christopher Reeve.
As I call them, Superman's joining us. It's twelve minutes
to six.
Speaker 1 (35:32):
For more from the Weekend Collective, listen live to News
Talk ZEDB weekends from three pm, or follow the podcast
on iHeartRadio.
You're listening to the Weekend Collective podcast from News Talks B.
Speaker 2 (00:33):
Welcome back to news Talk said B. If you or
if you have just joined us, welcome, This is the
Weekend Collective. I'm Tim Beverage. If you've missed in our
previous hours with an interesting chat with d W robertson
Property Apprentice, just around house to restructure, how to structure
your mortgage given you know the fluctuations in the O
c R and all that sort of stuff. So you
can go check out our podcast at news Talk Sad,
Dot Cutter and z Or on the iHeartRadio appened. Also
(00:56):
a panel discussion, as always entertaining, this time this time
it was with Pete wolf Camp and Joe McCarroll. But
right now it is time for the Parents Squad. We
want calls eight hundred eighty ten eighty text nine to
nine two and we're gonna have it. We want to
have a chat about resilience and whether kids are more
or less resilient than they used to be. And is
(01:18):
it if they are less resilient? Is that because partly
because parents are less resilient we can't handle failure in
our kids? And where because we are not so resilient
at dealing with failure. We're injecting ourselves into the situation
and taking away the challenges that maybe kids could be
meeting and conquering themselves anyway, So we're going to have
(01:39):
a chat with about resilience when what your calls on?
Eight hundred eighty ten eighty And do you think that
children are less resilience now? But what are the keys
to having resilient kids who can deal with life's disappointments
and ups and downs? And to discuss it? And she
is in studio with me now from the parenting place.
She's a senior parent coach there and her name is
(01:59):
Jenny Hale. Hi, Jenny, how are you doing?
Speaker 3 (02:01):
Tim? I'm good, yea lovely to be here.
Speaker 2 (02:05):
Are our kid's less resilient these days? You reckon? I mean,
it's a big hot take and it's a broad question.
But do we have issues with resilience?
Speaker 3 (02:13):
And I do think we do have issues with resilience.
I've been working with families for about thirty years now,
and I probably see parents struggle with allowing their children
to face disappointment, failure, just generally wanting to get in
there quickly and sort it out and leave the kind
(02:34):
of the pain that actually we normally we need a
bit of struggle, a little bit of hardship, a little
bit of it's not working out, a little bit of
let's go back and have another go at that, let's
leave it for a minute and come back. We need
to let our kids stretch a little bit with life stuff,
(02:55):
and parents are finding that hard to do. And can
I give a generous interpretation of parents, because I think
parents are doing, you know, a really big challenging job.
And I think parents, in their generosity want to have
happy kids who aren't struggling and unhappy and disappointed and
(03:16):
let down and bored and lonely and all of those things.
But in our generosity, I think we're preventing a really
important thing, which is letting kids have a bit of struggle,
find that they're not in the team, they didn't get
invited to the party, and what they need is to
(03:36):
kind of hit their big feelings and not be so
overwhelmed by them that they are screaming over the fact
that you haven't got the right ice cream flavor or cereal,
or you've cut the crusts off wrong. It's the little
things that we bail our kids out.
Speaker 2 (03:55):
Of where does that come from? With I mean and kids, Mum,
you brought the wrong bread? Why did you get that?
And then all of a sudden it's oh, you got,
you got. I don't know the issue is actually I
can imagine you got crunchy and not smooth peanut butter.
But I mean, and kids will sometimes have a meltdown
at the end of the term or the week when
they're just tired and they're done in. But are we
(04:16):
seeing more of that? Do you think that that we are?
I mean, because life has changed, we have instant access
to information and communication with each other and everything's more immediate.
But are we seeing that sort of in kids' reactions
to things that they are sort of over in flight,
that their reactions to disappointment are sometimes more than they
(04:39):
need to be.
Speaker 3 (04:40):
Yeah, I think you're right about the end of term
staff or you'll recognize, Man, my child doesn't normally, you know,
really lose it over the fact that I haven't got
the right snack. But if it is a regular occurrence
that they are disappointed about sort of the smallest of
things on a regular basis, you might want to ask
(05:02):
yourself as a parent am I bailey my kid out?
Am I rescuing them? Am I in need of them
to be happy and peaceful? So I will do anything
to get them out of this feeling that they're having.
And am I really communicating to my child that I
am afraid of their feelings and they should be as well?
And therefore, you know, because kids are such good researchers,
(05:25):
they know when we all move and accommodate. Now they're
not being It's not they're not being bad, They're just
good researchers. And if they think, if I am really
upset about something and something changes because my parents can't
bear me to be upset, then the research they do
is this is working. And probably I'm afraid of my feelings,
(05:47):
and so is mumble Dad.
Speaker 2 (05:49):
So because I always trying to resist having going for
the blunt sort of accusation or summary about something. But
I would have a suspicion that if kids are reacting
dramatically to little things all the time, that's mostly on parents.
(06:13):
Somehow the parents have gone wrong somewhere in the way
that they're dealing with things. So now you know what
I mean. If parents have managed resilience and disappointment better
earlier on. You're not going to get the drama queens
when it comes to wrong flavor of peanut butter.
Speaker 3 (06:31):
I think we can do a lot in the early years,
in the preschool years, and they're just small building blocks.
I do think that there are some children who will
struggle more with disappointment. If you're on the neurodiverse, if
you are very sensitive, these children will probably go deeper
(06:52):
and higher with their feelings. But in general, I think
we can do lots to help our kids build this resilience.
You know I've seen. Can I give an example a
few years ago? You know, We've been a family who
loves or not me, everyone else except me loves running.
And I'm off watching cross country and I see a
girl who looks about seven, and I see her start
(07:15):
the race with a group of other looks like seven
year olds, and she is way behind everybody else, and
I sort of feel like, Oh, she's going to pull
out soon because she's got no company. And this is
a lonely race. It's a long she's running three kilometers
maybe five. She hangs in there the entire time, is lapped,
(07:41):
is not looking like this is the worst thing in
the world, And finishes with a smile on her face,
and I kind of think, man, you're going to go somewhere.
You've got enough in a determination to keep you there,
maybe emotional.
Speaker 2 (07:57):
You tell me that story, because it's just that's the
sort of kid she's hung her her worth on finishing it,
whereas there'd be kids who'll be like, I came fifth
in the race, and that's no good because I should
have won. And where does that expectation come. Does that
come from the kids or is that coming from parents?
(08:18):
And I mean, because sometimes children are capable of setting
their own goals and being pretty gutted. Oh yeah.
Speaker 3 (08:24):
I imagine it was a bit of both. She may
have been an easy going kid who just liked getting
out and having a run, or she may have been
she may have heard messages, which is what I'm guessing,
which is the journey is more important than the outcome.
Do your best, race against yourself, have a good time,
(08:47):
see if you improve, and we've got your back. We're
watching and we're enjoying you out there running. I imagine
there was that kind of backstop for her.
Speaker 2 (08:58):
I think that that sounds to me like also the
community that girls and is really supportive there's I actually
must have me. It makes me emotional thinking about it,
but I'll give a shout out to my wife. Teaches
it a Churchill Park school and when my kids were there,
they'd do the cross country and there were kids of
different abilities and some were disabled, but everyone did the
(09:18):
cross country. But the thing that got me about it,
I remember being on the finish line with a bunch
of other mums and when this so. What they do
is they have senior girls or senior girls and boys
who will lead out and there'll be ones who will
bring up the real rear as well, but they'll support
the kids who are coming last. And I remember this
girl who was struggling but that she was supported all
(09:39):
the way and she finished. I mean, choose me up
now I get thinking about it. But at the end,
we're sitting there with tears running on her face. I looked.
I was thinking, oh my god, I'm embarrassed. I've got
tears down the street, and I looked to the mums
to the left of me, and everyone was like, oh,
but that was about supporting kids in a way that
built her resilience. Look you finished, And so much of
(10:01):
that it's not just about parents. As well. It's about the.
Speaker 3 (10:03):
Communities absolutely, and that's what I think that's the ingredient.
You need, not only opportunity to be resilient and parents
hanging on to their own big feelings, but your children
knowing that you've got their back, that you are supporting
them no matter what, that you're the part of that community.
(10:24):
If a child feels completely abandoned on their own, you know,
sometimes we'll say things that we shouldn't, like you're a
cry baby, and just you know, knuckle down and get
through it. I think that they need to know that
we know it's hard, and they need to know that
they're not going to get any regal room either.
Speaker 2 (10:43):
So you know, it's something made me think of as
we're talking about this about building resilience in your kids
and in parents, is that the importance of community events
as well, because I would say a lot of parents
would have learnt something about resilience by watching everyone do
their thing and to see that, Okay, my daughter came
(11:05):
tenth for something and she'll be disappointed, but look at
this girl here or this boy here who struggled and finished.
And I think that's the more we are involved in
communities to get a sense of where everyone's at. Does
that surely that must help that if you are living
in your own little bubble of just judging your individual
child's disappointment, then maybe you need to go and watch
(11:26):
a few other teams and people compete and to see
the broad spectrum of what's out there, to just get
a sense of life's not so bad.
Speaker 3 (11:34):
Yeah, And that's why watching sport is so good in
the Olympics and the Commonwealth Games, because you see on
the athletes faces often just the I mean, they've dedicated
years and years of their lives and what gets them
through and some of them don't do well with failure,
(11:54):
but what brings somebody back again and again and again.
And I just love hearing stories where kids have faced
some failure, you know. So when I know who daughter
didn't get into the there was a leadership thing at
school and her I believe it was her attendance wasn't
(12:15):
up to the up to the grade. I mean, she
got the flu, poor girl, and so she was out
of the leadership thing. But she continued in a program
that was teaching her more leadership skills because she was like, Okay,
I didn't get the goal. I was going for but
I can pivot and still learn new skills and still
(12:35):
hang in there. And I think that persistence, and that's
a word I love. I think we need it in families,
is to sort of bring up this word persistence alongside
resiliency and help our kids hang in there when it's
hard going.
Speaker 2 (12:50):
Who lets to learn that lesson more kids or parents?
Because I suspect I want you to say parents, because
I'm thinking that's the answer, am I right?
Speaker 3 (12:58):
Yeah? I mean kids, whether we like it or not,
watch us. They learn from us. I mean, they learn
from our mistakes and they know that we're human, and
when we mess up, I think we should say yeap,
that was me. I didn't even if we hate failure ourselves,
because some of us are perfectionists and we don't like
being corrected and we don't like getting it wrong, and
(13:19):
we don't like getting really good scores. But we should
let our kids know that. Bigger than that is that
we want to stay in the journey and we want
to learn stuff, and we want to be persistent, and
we want to be able to handle failure. And if
you don't handle failure, you're going to find it harder
for your kids. To they're going to find it harder.
Speaker 2 (13:38):
I guess. The other thing is it's one thing for
you not to handle your own failures, but it's when
you are judging. I mean parents who attach their own
happiness to whether their child has been the one that's
scored all the goals. And look, I love watching my
daughter play netball and hockey and everything, and I get
a kick out of his scoring goals because it's always
(13:58):
a treat. But I would hate to get a kick
out of the extent that I think the game has
sucked because it's crocol or something.
Speaker 3 (14:06):
Now that's common, though, that's very common to have a
go at the ref and to rage at the school
or someone for your child's failure. And it's so unhelpful.
And of course we love it when they do well
and they shine and they're winning on there. There's success.
There's nothing wrong with that, but we need as much
(14:28):
energy given to the times when they drop the ball
where it doesn't work out, where they're not invited, where
they are way in the back of cross country, where
they're a toddler and they're building something and it keeps
breaking and you kind of don't keep fixing it for
them and you say, let's come back tomorrow and have
(14:48):
another go. Those are the sort of things that build
resilient We love your.
Speaker 2 (14:52):
Cause on this. How do you think what's the best
way to build your kids resilience? Give us a call
eight hundred and eighty ten eighty or is it something
you need to look in the mirrors apparent and go,
you know what, Maybe I'm not handling this particularly well
because actually, to be honest, Mike reaction would be if
someone was a new parent who says I need to
you know, how do I build my kid's resilience? The
first thing I'd say is we'll get over your own
(15:12):
ambitions and yourself. Just get over it, just forget it's
not about you, And I think not a bad starting
point anyway. We'll take your calls on it, though, because
you know I'm not the expert here. Jenny Hailer's and
if you've got these questions for Jenny as well, you
can give us a call on O eight one hundred
and eighty ten eighty Text nine two twenty two past five.
Speaker 3 (15:45):
Oh no, Come, here's.
Speaker 2 (15:50):
Welcome back to the Parents Squad on the Weekend Collective.
I'm Tim Bever's my guest is Jenny Hale. She's from
Parentingplace dot m Z. We're talking about how do you
teach your kids resilience and or should you teach yourself
resilience first and then pass onto your kids. Oh my goodness.
When I ask that question, Jenny, that feels like that
is the answers.
Speaker 3 (16:10):
Is that the answer you should kind of is the answer.
Look at yourself in the mirror, grow with your kids. Look,
we all know that we've got areas that we we
have our own big feelings. We're human. And if you
know that, you know you can't be here to see
your children unhappy or disappointed or bored or lonely or
(16:30):
or whatever. Sometimes it's a growth area for yourself. And
I always say to parents, Look, I think you're parenting
is the biggest invitation you're ever going to get to grow.
So do it alongside your child. And I think that's great.
Speaker 2 (16:45):
It's al much like treating it. You'll get more out
of this than your kids. Possibly you do it right.
Speaker 3 (16:49):
Yeah, you will. You'll hit the heights of joy and
the depths of despair, but you'll you'll grow right and
you'll learn stuff.
Speaker 2 (16:56):
Let's take some calls Pete.
Speaker 4 (16:58):
Hello people, Cord Hello, you're good things to him. Look,
I just want to say, I've got a thirty three
year old son and he's just solo dead to my
ten year old grandson. They both lived in South Auckland
and make a lot of benefit from their community. They
(17:22):
just love this school. And my son's been a solo
dad early eight years now and the kids getting stronger
and stronger both physically and emotionally and Italy and I
think it's a support not just a solodead, but the
whole find have been helping out for his entire life,
including them.
Speaker 3 (17:42):
That's so cool.
Speaker 4 (17:45):
I think it's finery support that really gets the kids
see they know they're in their friends, not just but
the things too. I think it's good to have a
good community network for the solo appearance, I say to
fall back on Yeah, actually.
Speaker 2 (18:04):
Jenny, I can't get away from that sort of must
feels like a moment of inspiration that the key for
resilience for kids is it is to be part of
a wider community. You think you can imagine the families
where they're just within their own little enclave all the time,
and unless those parents are really give passing on good lessons,
there's less chance for comparison with others and for that
(18:26):
sense of support. I don't want to be too kumbayur
about it.
Speaker 3 (18:29):
You know. I think we need a bit of kumbay aren't.
Speaker 4 (18:32):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (18:32):
I think the fun no support as subcontracting, letting others
know you, you know, inviting more experiences or people who've
got skills that you haven't got. And it sounds like
your son Pete's done a really good job of looking
out and allowing others to be part of sort of
(18:53):
raising him. I guess it's the you know, the village thing,
But we do we need more than just what's in
our own little world. And yeah, I think other can
add so much to our kids.
Speaker 2 (19:08):
Thanks for your corporate actually on that? Is there something okay?
Another theory of throw I mean I specialize in the
dumb questions, but I think we do have a generation
compared to previous generations, where parents, maybe a busier, feel
they've got less time for their kids, and so they
want they focused on making their kids happy, which means
(19:31):
that the pressure comes that they try and ameliorate and
improve any any negative situation, which denies the kids that chance.
Speaker 3 (19:39):
I think being aware that because we are busier, we're
doing a more of a juggle. And I would say
parents are feeling often feeling a bit guilty, and they
want to compensate, and often compensating looks like being generous,
and it looks like, well, you're unhappy about the kind
of dinner I've cooked, so you know I'm going to
(20:00):
cook you another one. You're unhappy about missing out on
the parties, so we'll have a party at home. You
can end up being driven by your own world and
your own feelings of inadequacy or guilt, and kind of
not just stepping back, sitting on your hands and letting
some of the stuff that looks like it makes our
(20:22):
kids unhappy. But when they get through a big feeling
and they've survived and they think I did it, I'm okay.
That's so good for them.
Speaker 2 (20:31):
Actually. The other thing that we live in a society
where we are fortunate in many respects that if you
want something, you've got the money. There's probably nothing you
can't find to buy if you want. And I guess
it's too easy to spoil kids as well. They want
X y Z and ABCDF for their birthday. Well maybe
(20:54):
you should leave a couple of things off that list.
I don't know. I don't mean deliberately stingy, but keep
what do you? But you know what I mean? How
do you kids can see? Oh I love one of those,
or such and such has got one of those.
Speaker 3 (21:07):
Yeah, there's a thrill of getting kids stuff. I don't
deny that, but I would love parents to go out
with their kids and not buy them something every time.
I just I ask parents that now and coaching, I say,
do you ever go out shopping and there's nothing that
actually is given to your child and that I mean
you might be doing the food shop and stuff like that,
(21:28):
and they're part of it. But we have tended to
think that our kids need something every time we go out,
and we can't bear the fuss, so we buy them something,
or we our kids know that we're we've got If
you've got the resources, it feels like, well, I can,
I can do this. But I think that delayed gratification.
Kids earning some money, doing some chores around home, big
(21:53):
chores around home, stuff like that's really good for kids.
So I think we have to hold back and let
some things come later.
Speaker 2 (22:01):
Yeah, okay, don't worry. I wholeheartedly agree with that, but
probably because I don't like to spend too much money
all the time. Either it does, it's a win win.
Speaker 3 (22:12):
Hi.
Speaker 2 (22:12):
I have a three and a half year old that
is very focused on being first ahead of her brother
all the time. She has big emotions when she isn't.
I sometimes make her go second on purpose because I
think she needs to learn second is okay and to
deal with the emotions. Is that wrong? Do you have
any tips for that age?
Speaker 4 (22:28):
Please?
Speaker 2 (22:29):
Makes it's from well no name actually okay.
Speaker 3 (22:33):
Love it because yeah, three and a half year olds
are learning, aren't They about winning and losing? And some
kids are so determined to you know, whether it's get
to the car first, push the buzzer first, you know,
whatever it is. Give her opportunities to learn that sometimes
she'll be first and sometimes she won't. And your job
(22:54):
is to comfort say I know you want it to
be first, and then to not get into busy words
and busy action. Your kids just need a cuddle and
the sense that that you're with them, they do not
need you just to explain why everyone can't be first
every time. And we tend to talk too much, So
(23:17):
I'm just going to say, top tip, don't talk too much. Second,
give them a cuddle, and also know that she's young,
she's going to learn and it's going to take a
long time.
Speaker 2 (23:26):
It's some other words, why can't I go first? It's like, well,
you're not going first and not explaining it. There we go,
deal with it, no explanation.
Speaker 3 (23:33):
Sometimes we give so many reasons that we just get
into these big negotiations with kids and they sort of
feel like that they almost feel our anxiety, that we
are so anxious that we're over convincing ourselves.
Speaker 2 (23:49):
And how do you deal with that? I mean, how
do you deal with the sibling rivalries? I mean can
be things as simple as, you know, fighting over who
gets in the front seat, assuming they're old enough to
go on the front seat. I mean, any any particular
sling siblings who are competing over every thing. I got
the last week books? You know, I had chocolate, didn't
(24:09):
you get me? All the sort of you know, I
wouldn't say that happens in my house necessarily, perhaps from
time to time.
Speaker 3 (24:15):
Yeah, it's a big topic. TI, but one of the
things that we love doing is it's called leader of
the week or leader of the day. Now that day,
your child gets to choose. Let's say it's Sally's turn.
She's leader of the day, and she chooses the things
like where to sit in the car, assuming that it's
(24:36):
all legal, the type of ice cream, maybe, what's for
dinner on Friday night, the little things that could squabble over.
So just give a child a ten.
Speaker 2 (24:46):
What would you do if kids use that as a
power play, Like I get to do such and such,
so I'm going to order the ice cream that I
know you hate. Not that I mean, I don't know
what I do about that.
Speaker 3 (24:57):
Actually, yeah, I think that alongside that kind of thing,
you're teaching your kids compassion and not do things that
are against it. So one child is likely to abuse
the system. So yeah, you'll need to step in and say,
let's choose out of these ones that we know everyone
will like these flavors, so your kids can be pretty
(25:19):
cruel and tough on one another. You know. The other thing,
we rarely recommend parents have a guy out and let's
use the red plate, and we sell the red plate
with a big star on it. It's the sort of
start of.
Speaker 2 (25:33):
That up to a certain age. I'm guessing with the
red plate, how can you how long can you play
the red plate?
Speaker 3 (25:37):
When our sun turned to twenty three and finished, he
asked to beat off the red.
Speaker 2 (25:47):
What's the red plate? How does that work?
Speaker 3 (25:49):
It's you get to eat off it if you've done
something special, like you've finished across country, I don't mean
want it finished it. If you've handled a big disappointment,
if you've been kind and sharing with your siblings, if
you've done something really good at school and you've come
home with certificate, you get to eat off it. And
parents are like, oh, we just have mayhem in our
(26:11):
home if anyone was to eat off the red plate,
and I say, well, that's probably why you need it,
because we we've got to teach our kids how to
handle winning and losing, how to accommodate loss, and how
to celebrate. So if your sibling comes home and he's
finished the cross country and he's eating off the red plate,
(26:34):
parents are doing the job of saying, we're going to
we're all going to congratulate Simon tonight for what he's
just done. So you are helping your kids step into
that space.
Speaker 2 (26:44):
They'll be Parents be like, but what do I do
about the other child who's had a good day on
something you know yep.
Speaker 3 (26:50):
And you say you comfort them and say I know
it was great too. Tonight we're celebrating Simon, and we're
so scared of doing this of you know, it's got
to be fear and equal all of the time. It
can't be fair and equal all of the time. We
will do our best, but some days somebody's eating off
the red plate and I recommend parents should eat.
Speaker 2 (27:12):
Well, where do they do?
Speaker 4 (27:14):
You?
Speaker 2 (27:14):
Guys actually have literally a red plate parent We.
Speaker 3 (27:17):
Literally sell red plate summer. There's the China version or
the plastic version. They're only about ten dollars each. So
you know, you can get on our website and water one.
Speaker 2 (27:26):
Really parentingplace dot NZ, isn't it. I'm gonna search red Plate,
have a look at it. Oh, it's got a big
star there as well. Yes, ceramic plate, you are a star.
I've got to say, I kind of like that one.
I'm be tempted to get it. We're going to take
(27:47):
a break. We want to. I've got some interesting texts
to get into as well. But in terms of teaching resilience,
how do you go about teaching your kids' resilience or
do you focus on your own resilience first, and then
the rest flows. I tend to think that's a little
bit like the old what is it physician? Heal thyself?
It's twenty two and a half minutes to six news Talks.
He'd be news Talk, said b. This is the Parents
(28:24):
Squad on the Weekend Collective. I'mton Beverage and my guest
is Jenny Hale. She is from the Parenting Place Parenting Place,
Dottie and Z and she's a senior parent coach. There.
By the way, you've got a book out which I've
got we've got at home, and I think Jenny, I
would have to say that it is my favorite parenting book.
And we've had a few on the show. What's it called?
(28:44):
Against the Kind, Firm.
Speaker 3 (28:46):
Calm, Good tim Here it is AFC.
Speaker 2 (28:53):
There we go and anyway we can.
Speaker 3 (28:55):
People get it on our website they can get it.
Speaker 2 (28:59):
And by the way, I don't say this in any
sense of favoritism or anything, but if you were looking
for a book on parenting to give you some good, solid, sensible,
compassionate advice, I would highly recommend it because if you
imagine any problem you've got as a parent, if you
open up and search for a particular chapter on your problem.
(29:19):
It'll be there and it's got some great advice in there,
so I would highly recommend it. So go to the
parenting Place and kind, firm calm by Jenny Hale. And
she hasn't asked me to even mention it or anything.
I just had to throw that in there because it
is one of those things that's got some great bits
of advice. Let's look at some of the problems we've
got on the text. How do you deal with a
foster child who has turned ten, has had a lot
(29:43):
of money spent on her, yet has a tantrum because
she wants to play games at the arcades. That's from
a nana of her.
Speaker 3 (29:51):
Okay, Nana, this is hard because yeah, kids love, they
see stuff, and they're used to being able to get
a yes. I think sometimes you just have to give
them a little sort of a rehearsal for what's happening
ahead of time, because some kids are determined and sure
that it's going to be a yes. So, you know,
with our kids or green kids, sometimes I say, you know,
(30:13):
we're going shopping today, but I'm not actually going to
be buying anything for you, and I know that it'll
be disappointing because you'd love me to buy something for
you and you can be you can be sad and
that's fine. I'll be there to comfort you. So you
give them a sort of a heads.
Speaker 2 (30:29):
Up, so you have to be I think it's a
catch there that parents have to be prepared to weather
the storm that's going to come.
Speaker 3 (30:36):
Oh, it's going to cross.
Speaker 2 (30:37):
If you're got to mollify them, then you're making a
rod for your own back, caren't you.
Speaker 3 (30:40):
Every time you say no, no, we're not, we're not,
and then you do, your child has just had that
intermittent reinforcement which is incredibly.
Speaker 2 (30:51):
Powerful, and just trained them.
Speaker 3 (30:52):
Yeah, they've just you've just made shopping much harder. So
you have to sort of fortify yourself in a sense
with am I going to Is today a treat day?
And maybe it is awesome? Is today a day where
I'm not actually going to buy them anything? But I'd
love them to come with me and we'll have a
lovely time and we might end up at the beach
(31:15):
with you know, the sandwiches that I've made. Just be
fortified and ready yourself because there will be big feelings,
especially if they're coming from fair another family where it's
been yes all the time. I would also like to
say that children get to know that there is rules
in this home this way, and then there's your rules
(31:37):
and they can adjust and make Yeah, can kind of
learn oh when I'm with Nana.
Speaker 2 (31:45):
Even lessons that have been learned over several years. If
you are consistent, you can change that child's expectations.
Speaker 3 (31:51):
I guess, oh, we need to know that we can.
We need to reset. I talk about that in the
book The Family Reset, which you think, Okay, I don't
want to continue doing what I'm doing. It's not doing
us anything. How do we reset? And I think we've
got to have a little family WHOI and say, guys,
this isn't working. From now on, You'll notice that we're
(32:14):
doing this differently or I'm doing this differently, and they're
not going to see what a great idea.
Speaker 2 (32:18):
I love it.
Speaker 3 (32:21):
That they're going to moan and groan and then they're
going to wait to see the action, because you know,
words don't mean that much. Our actions mean a lot more.
Speaker 2 (32:30):
What about we were talking about in terms of managing
I mean the conversations evolved little bit where we're talking
about that text about one child being much more competitive
and having having to win everything, will be first at everything.
But Jenny, what happens? How do parents deal with kids
who are If you've got one child who's immensely talented
(32:50):
and wins everything and is getting all the attention, I mean,
we don't want to be in that society where you
there are kids who are going to do better than others.
But how do you manage that within a family where
another child isn't going to be the star of the
day and hasn't got one hundred percent in the life
test and hasn't you know, scored five goals that day
or something. How do you deal when you have a
disparity in children's abilities. You don't know, without erasing the
(33:14):
success of the talented one, But how do you what's
your advice for balancing that? I think children both having
self worth for their own.
Speaker 3 (33:24):
And this happens a lot. It's unlikely not to be
missed in families where there is a difference in ability
and you know, someone's bringing home all the certificates or
winning doing really well, and I think we look at
their character as well, so you're not just looking at
academic or sporting, you're spreading it to things that we've
(33:46):
all got a bit of control over. So you're noticing
their persistence or their generosity, or their kindness, or their
resilience or their empathy. Everybody has got something that can
be noticed.
Speaker 2 (34:01):
So you just have to fight. You've just got to
find the wins, because everyone will have a win. Maybe
your daughter hasn't or son hasn't, one hasn't scored the
try on the game, but maybe they supported their teammates
in a way or something that you can find.
Speaker 3 (34:13):
And if you're used to not looking beyond sporting and academic,
that's your challenge, as appearent, is to look further afield,
because everybody's got something that they can contribute and be
celebrated for.
Speaker 2 (34:25):
Gosh, hey Tom flies when you're having fun, Jenny comes up.
We've got but thank you so much for coming into
the into the studio again. I hope we'll get you
back soon. And if you want to check out Jenny's book,
it's kind Firm Cam. She mentions Parentingplace dot nz. So
what's what's keeping you busy? In the next sort of
(34:46):
does parenting place change when there's holidays?
Speaker 3 (34:48):
Everyone disappears and lots of the lots of the my
colleagues have kids, so there is less people in the office.
So yeah, I'll be a bit lonely in the office.
But yeah, we're still there. We're still coaching families, we're
doing talks, we're doing video things. There's some awesome articles
on our website.
Speaker 2 (35:09):
It is a brilliant resource. If you want to go
to Parentingplace dot nz and once you get there just
look for the just have a read of the various articles.
They've got pretty much something for everything any problem you
might or question you might have a parent. Jenny, great
to see you.
Speaker 3 (35:24):
Again, Thanks for having me.
Speaker 2 (35:26):
We'll be rapping sport in a moment with Christopher Reeve.
As I call them, Superman's joining us. It's twelve minutes
to six.
Speaker 1 (35:32):
For more from the Weekend Collective, listen live to News
Talk ZEDB weekends from three pm, or follow the podcast
on iHeartRadio.
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