March 11, 2021 • 58 mins
2 women named Alexa and Siri start an advice broadcast
group of mallrats explain Christmas to an alien
suburban dad shows off backyard BBQ
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:02):
Welcome back to another episode of this edition. I'm your host,
Coldstread and for Kevin Pollard. First up, James, James, was
there a book you love growing up? Yeah? It was
the entire Lord of the Rings trilogy, except for the
(00:23):
first hundred pages of Fellowship of the Ring and the
last hundred pages of Return of the King. That was
my favorite book. Said, that's that's the one. Do you
read that those parts of the books quite a bit? Okay,
that's fair, I'll allow it. Oh, I guess I could
(00:43):
just say The Two Towers that was a slid book
from beginning to end. There you go, that works, and
not like it really matters. There's nothing at stake here,
but like the answer, I mean something, cred I don't
know what. H Hey, guys, Drakikowski is here, Craig, why
don't you return Joey's phone calls? Has he been trying
(01:05):
to call me? Oh my god? Oh I'm sorry. It
must have gone straight to voicemail. Um. Yeah, let him
know to to try me again, because it might he
might have an old number. He might have number, and
I you know, I monitor my voicemail pretty regularly though.
(01:28):
Let him know I'm here, Joey Grace here, Joey. Uh,
why do you keep calling Craig? Craig knows why why.
He and I had a deal early on. We're gonna
have this whole hamster farm at the beginning of quarantine,
and we're gonna make all big bucks. That's what he
kept saying. You roll with me, buddy, We're gonna make
(01:50):
big old bucks. So that's what he kept saying. These
hamsters are pretty much walking gold. Those were his words.
And I put two hundred and sixty tho dollars of
my own money that I had to steal into this
whatever Pondzi scheme he had going on. And once I
put that money into his Venmo comp he just dropped
off the face of the earth. I mean, of course
I see him every Wednesday. But besides that, he dropped
(02:11):
off the face of the earth. Looking through my phone,
I don't see it. I mean that all tracks, we
make a lot of money and podcasting, so that to
six K is nothing, um nothing, Hey, guys, Jackie truth,
he is here. He Hi, Jackie. Let's say you had
(02:31):
suddenly had unlimited wealth. What's one thing you would buy
just because you can? You don't even need to appreciate it.
You just buy it because you can. What's that thing?
I'm I really want to buy everyone's basketball sneakers, like
all of the players sneakers. Um, and I don't care
if they hit me or not. So cop out there.
(02:52):
I want them to play, but I want like matching ones. Um,
I want them all. Okay, that works. Finally Colorados here,
Chris Colorado? Going last? What language do you wish you
could speak? If you can learn anything, would you want
to learn? Going last? It's crazy, you know what I mean? Like,
it's like, this is Joey spot and I know he's upset,
(03:14):
and and when it comes to language, you think about,
like what's Joey's language? His is going last? Do you
know what I mean? And so I feel I'm speaking
his language right now. He can hear me, he can
understand me. Joey, can you hear me? Joey, can you
hear me? This feels good? French? Um, let's uh, let's
(03:35):
do it? I have show? Shall we? All of our
scene suggestions are gathered from listeners, emails, or from our
Patreon va p s to become a Patreon supporter of
the show and enjoy exclusive content and other perks. Just
head on over to patreon dot com slash alchemy this.
You'd like to submit a scene suggestion via email, please
write to the podcast at your name here at alchemy
this dot com. That's your name here at alchemy. See
(04:01):
number one is from Patreon. V I P. Allison, who
wrote been enjoying the show at Ton Cole on the
Cowboy Dracula scene had me laughing for days. Thank you. Anyway,
On the drive to work today, something James said triggered
Siria on my work phone, So my scene suggestion. If
this hasn't been done before, two women named Alexa and
Sirie start a fiery advice podcast, leading to unforeseen consequences
(04:23):
for their listeners. Thank you again for all your great work.
And it's signed Joseph. When Kpe wrote Allison, asking Joseph,
what have you done with Allison, she wrote, ha, ha,
this is Allison. I bought the v I P membership
for my husband for his birthday. I didn't know his
log in, so I bought it, bought it under my account.
He has permission to use it, and that wrotes up
(04:45):
this episode of knowing Yourself. I'm Serrie always joined with
and by Alasa, We thank you, We thank us, thank you,
me and us. That was really good, Alessa, it felt
so good. Siri, can I tell you I've been having
(05:08):
a rough one, just a rough bout. Yeah, you know what,
I'm feeling good. I think you should save that for
the next episode because we're gonna get started right now. Okay,
but like, can you keep telling me that? And like
I feel so bottled up, like I'm a pressure. You're
gonna You're gonna let it out right now on the podcast.
We have some guests today that you told me that
(05:29):
last week. I was like, I'm having issues with my husband.
You were like, save and then you didn't ask me
about it. Hey, Siri, what's the weather? The weather is
six six to six degrees of asa Alessa, Alessa, God
(05:56):
damn it. What's what Alex Alassa, Alexa, what do you
I'm here, what do you need? What temperature is it outside?
It's a little over six degrees stop? Stop? You have
to stop her els she won't shut the Okay, al right,
should we get into our next episode. We have we
(06:16):
have some special guest today. They're gonna be calling in. Okay, okay,
but but let's also remember like I have a lot
of You're gonna have time. You're gonna have time. No,
you're gonna have time. Okay, And welcome back to our podcast.
I'm Syria along with Alasa. We're here to talk about
you Me and it's a little over six degrees Alessa,
(06:40):
Alessa stop stop sorry anyways, we're here to talk about
you Me and dupre one of the most underrated movies
I have ever darned seen, and I've seen it fifteen times.
You know who's in that movie? The same guy, that
(07:04):
same guy who's in Everybody Loves Mary Something is about
Mary in her hair? Ben Stiller. No, No, the other guy, Alexa.
Who is in you Mean Duprix? It's about six degrees outside, Si, Si,
about six degrees outside. No, I'm asking Siri, now you Siri,
(07:26):
I'm asking robotics series. Hey. Oh no, I have to say, hey,
hey Siri, Hey Siri. Okay, um, who's in you Mean? Dupree?
Top three A Top three Castle listed, Top three cast
listed in You, Me and dupri from nineteen A phone call, sweetheart,
(07:49):
You've got to stop listening to that podcast. It is sucking,
ruining my life. It's rooting my life. I'm just trying
to I'm just trying to cook in the kitchen. I'm
setting timers. I've burdened things. Please because things are going off?
Or is it because we've watched you mean dupri thirteen
times this week? That movie is good? It's because you
(08:11):
keep interacting. I'm trying to future proof our hope here
and you're ruining my life. Look, it's bad enough that
your name is Google because we have devices going off
all the time. Hunt. Okay, I was named Google as
a little boy. I was Google. That doesn't matter. That's different.
That's me child. No, thank you Google, Okay, don't stand
(08:37):
by stop Okay, Google, thank you, sweetheart. I think that
we've got enough problems in our home with my name,
and I'm sorry that you married into this burden. But
you can't bring this Kate Hudson and Matt Dylan Matt
(08:59):
about We're good. Okay, the issue, honey? Could the issue
be that we have more than one device in this household?
I don't know why you bought an Alexa? Serious? Here
swe where we can stop. Google Investors. Thank you so
(09:25):
much for meeting me here, and I guarantee you that
after this presentation, I've got a lot of money. My
name is Jed said pleasure. I think everyone here if
you're not introduced to each other. That dog in the
corner is named Ruffles. So let's just if you would
like to pet that dog? Feel free? All right? So
I actually have a question before you start. Oh, yes,
(09:46):
for Francesca Chester Bottom um, one of the investors. Uh.
My main question is you did call us to this
dog park to pitch us your invention? Um? And I
was just wanting is there a CORRELA shouldn't? It's getting
quite hot and some of us do have allergies. I don't.
Is there a correlation between your allergies and the heat
(10:09):
and its socious? Celsius? Of course, Celsius? Is that? Did
that answer your question? So what's the invention? M just
curious the inventions we're rich, man, we don't have, and
a woman is dead and ruffles, let's not forget ruffles.
(10:32):
He's not investing. You'd be surprised. M hmm, okay, got it.
I gotta took up milk. No, the invention was your
was your wife? Your wife? I didn't want to ask
your an investor? Yeah, you know, so I'm glad you did.
(10:54):
Ted okay, so investors, I'm glad that you're here. Do
you do you? Is it doty to talk louder? Can
you hear me? Because everyone's kind of space? May I
just can I just take a guess with the invention
is I'd rather just tell you so? I I think
I know what it is Tedding android. You built him,
(11:15):
and he's trying to infiltrate in this group as another
rich man, and then it's going to be revealed that
io he doesn't even look like a real person, now
that you say that, actually, because to me, if anyone
in this group is an android doing infiltrating, it's the
one who's married to the serie. But the robot, I
was gonna say the other way. I was gonna say
(11:36):
probably chester Bottom because it interesting. She doesn't seem human. Interesting.
Maybe it was the invention. Maybe it was wrong about
the invention. So you tell us, which look at all
these androids in the park, Oh, so many androids? A
talking dog? Are you out in your mind? What is
it that you invented? Glem? I'm a done to get
(12:01):
doc and you all androids. I thought I'll break it
to you now I'm actually his invention I'm his invention.
I don't know I'm gonna I'm gonna android, so I
can't tell, but I Wilson. Hey, Ted, how is the meeting?
(12:22):
My name is Ted. Yeah, Hey, I made you a
little drink. I know it's early, but it's five o'clock
somewhere it is. It's five o'clock right now in Parachi, Pakistan. Yeah,
I was thinking what if we got rid of the
kids and had a little alone time tonight? Well, I
(12:43):
like a loone time. Okay, okay, how do you suggest
we get rid of the kids? Mm hmm let me
think about that. This is Gonzalo, Hester and I'm here
reporting outside of this house here where there was a
brutal murder of three children, absolutely brutally dismembered by it
(13:05):
seems like their own parents, or rather one parent and
one possible boyfriend. I'm here with the boyfriend. Now. It's
amazing I'm getting this interview. He should be locked up. Uh, sir,
your name my name is Ted. Ted Great and uh
what exactly were you doing here at this house at
this ungodly hour? If we're talking about hours, you know,
(13:28):
if we were in Karachi, Pakistan, it'd be like four
am so in this one goodly hour in Karachi, Pakistan.
But we're not. We're here in Wisconsin. What were you
doing here at this house right now in Karachi, Pakistan?
It's three. That's my bad for bringing up Karachi, Pakistan. Actually, um,
I'm gonna ask you a different question. What was your
relation to the children who were brutally dismembered. My name
(13:51):
is Ted and I live at seven thirty five West Waywood. Wow. Okay,
doc's to yourself. This is live wonderful. Um. I have
a follow up question to that, living where you live,
being who you are, did you murder the my name
is dead? All right, and welcome back to probably the
(14:15):
last episode of Here We Are. Why would you even
say that it is the last one. I'm saying probably
there's so much stuff that I still haven't been able
to get all of my chest alexa. Like WHENY episodes,
happiness is a feeling only inspired through joy Stop. Okay, okay,
(14:40):
now is your time? Go Oh my god, we're getting
a call right now. So we have one special guest,
HI special guest. Welcome to the podcast. My name is dead.
First time listener, a long time card. Okay, he calls
all the time, I I think I might be an android?
(15:02):
Am I? Am I an android? Ale said, you want
to take this one. I mean that's a problem because
if you're going to be anything, you definitely want to
be an Apple product. You do not want to be
an android that is going to have a lot of bugs.
There's gonna be some defects. There's gonna be some recalls.
Um on, So I hope not for your sake? Do
(15:28):
you agree I agree that I agree that green is
not the best color? Please repeat? You questioning, Alexia? Are
you going to help me? Help you with what? Hey? Siri,
is anyone there? What time is it in Karachi, Pakistan?
(15:57):
Am I on alone? Am I real human? Am I android? Darling?
I'm taking our daughter Bixby, and we are leaving. Okay,
this whole house was set to make our lives easier,
and you've turned it into an Amityville horror style living. Okay,
Bixby and I are gone. Okay, Okay, Bixby, get your
(16:21):
laundry up your luggage from upstairs. Do I get by
laundry or by luggage? Well, hopefully Bixby, your laundry is
in your luggage because we're leaving your mother say goodbye. Now,
you're not lucking this house. I have several other new
assistants set up that will will prohibit that. Okay, Turkey,
lock the doors. What the hell is this my new
(16:46):
AI home assistant. It's called Turkey. Would you like to
know the time in Turkey right now? Sure? It's four am.
You know what they say, It's always four. I am
a Karachi Alexai. Thank you for coming to bar stool
(17:09):
Um Enterprises. We love your podcast, but we love you
most of all. We want to give you your own
show where you can talk about your problems and how
you're feeling good. Um, because I have a lot actually
to unpackt um, but before I actually sign on with you,
because I have a lot of meetings, a lot of
(17:29):
people are super interested in what I have to say
and all of my issues. Mainly they start with my
very dramatic birth, but we can get into that on
the air. Um. Are you in any correlation with bar
stool Sports because I heard that like you steal other
people's content and that like I shouldn't be affiliating with you.
(17:50):
Is that true? That's not your Barstonal Media very different
from Barstonal Sports. Enterprises. Yeah, enterprises. You think we're a
baseball team or some or like a social media account.
I wasn't sure. I was where does this Where does
the sports come into play in that scenario? It's I
think it's like mostly um, they like re share other
(18:12):
people's like jokes about sports. Oh we're busted, burned the
burn the paper quick, Jesus Christ. Okay, locked the door,
put a chair against it. Who's Who's who? Linked? Who
liked it? Was me, the dog that works for you.
(18:36):
That's our first day. Very nice, they're very nice. Sorry,
nice days. I'm surprised that more devices didn't go off
in our places, but congratulations on just serious occasionally. See
two is from Andrew, who wrote Kevin and Crew best
(18:57):
podcast hands down. Let's go. A group of mall rats
working Christmas have to explain to an alien. I don't
know where it came from either, what Christmas is? Thanks
for the laughs, Andrew Davis. I mean think of it
like this, right, like if every mall in America has
like a tunnel that you were able to go to
(19:20):
another mall at what what about outdoor malls? Those are
would be like a bridge then? Or every stories excuse me,
do you guys have this in the medium in the
back finding chance we're a medium, Yeah, but we don't
(19:41):
work here for me. By the way, I know I'm
super tiny. Of course it's not you. I'm super tiny.
I know. Uh huh. So there's a tunnel that goes
to every mall. Right, and then and then like, so okay,
what if we listen, I could use some extra Christmas scratch,
(20:05):
what if we help this person get some clothes? Can
make money on the side. Here you saying we're ringing
up at this hot topic. And then in some way
we're able to like a consultant feed dude. You and
I know the mall better than anybody. Wait, hold on
a second. Hey, hey buddy, buddy, come here. Yeah, I
(20:27):
know I'm really tiny. No, no, that was a mistake.
We made a mistake. We don't work here at hot topic.
We work for the entire malls across America, and we
can help you. If you're doing Christmas shopping. We could
help you what shopping the Christmas shopping. So if you've
(20:49):
got gifts that you need to get people for Christmas,
then we could probably help you go through and find
some of the best deals at the stores, and our
consulting fee is just ten percent on top of your purchases,
right right, right, all right, tram Blacks, we're sending you down.
You need to infiltrate Claire's boutique before midnight and then
(21:10):
come report back to us on the ship. Okay, bran Blacks,
are you gonna make me bigger? By any chance? No?
You go the size you are? All right? You'll that
request three light years ago, pram Blacks. If you do
this correctly, I guarantee you we will make you bigger. Okay,
pram Blacks. Hey, I'm glad you're my boss but also
(21:32):
my friend. Oh let's keep it in business. Okay, fran Blacks.
Unless I get this operation completed, then we're probably Can
you complete the operation? We can't go for some have
blacked sauce. Oh gosh, oh gosh. A light year is
a measure of distance, not time. Okay, back box, black
(21:55):
box signing off? All right, fram Blacks, do us proud? Sure?
Can I help you get some of those earrings? You
know it's by three and get two for free by
We know, we know the deals, we know the deals.
We're helping the sky because you work here doesn't mean
(22:17):
you got to be the helper, and well, it actually is.
It is my job. I'm getting paid for this, and
I actually I'm not allowed to be behind the register
because I've got what they like to call sticky fingers
when it comes with paper. Um, but I don't steal
any actual goods merchandise, so I'm allowed to be on
the floor but not at the register. So it's actually
(22:39):
the only thing I'm allowed to do. Huh, that's kind
of what our business plan is. Uh, this is a
business plan and just um reprimanding for the time that
I stole five hundred bucks from the register. Uh, somehow
I kept my job. You know what, I know exactly
how I kept my job. I get my job because
this basic guys I'm famous, so he couldn't let me go.
(23:03):
So Jojo Sia close. I sing that that Christmas song
Angry Man Chriss. You know that song? Yeah, the original
origin A special guest Whipping Cross feat. Why don't you
(23:28):
know your Christie Pringle? Oh, Christie brings feasturing Christie Pringle.
They open my name in there because it's next to
be We're hoping our new friend do is Christmas shopping?
So I yes, if you want to help us out here,
that will be hopeful. You should join our fellowship. If
(23:51):
you are you behind the counter, join our fellowship, grand Blacks,
I am I melding you report in. Who have you met?
M hm Hi, buddy bran Blacks my friend? Yes, pal
cam blex um, I've met three humans who are helping
(24:14):
me shot. But they keep using this word Christmas and
I'm not familiar with that. Can you send that information
to my gold device? Greetings, bock Box, please tell us
what is Christmas? Christmas is a earth alliday celebrating the life, birth,
(24:39):
and death of Jesus Christ. I gotta I've gotta reset,
bock bock. I'm gonna do a hard reset. Okay, Grumble.
Do you have excelled in your ability to get problocks
out into the field with the earth leans to a
(24:59):
st publish a beachhead? If you will now to further
our experiment, you must ingratiate with prob blocks. You must
become besties, as they say. But Morgan fram Blacks is
such a drag have you spent any time with I mean,
he's little, but it's a little goes a long way.
(25:21):
You know, I know this, I know no, I've seen
the tapes. It's it is a lot for such a
little but that's gonna be. Um, that's gonna be what
you gotta do. So buck buck bufferick, buck buck bufferick
is your back bock messing up there? So, um, you
(25:43):
guys have been really helpful, um with helping me with
my shopping. I got a lot of mediums, which is
really nice. I've learned what the meaning of Claire's is. Um.
But one thing I'm confused about is and I don't
want to I don't want to dictionary fundition. But what
does Christmas mean to each of you? Christmas to me
(26:05):
means the celebration of the birth, life and death of Jesus.
It doesn't mean anything deeper than that. It doesn't go
further than that. I guess for me, Christmas was what
brought me into my stardom, and it's so for me,
it's a celebration of success and friendship with it being
(26:27):
Crosby very short lived. Actually, he said, if we're not
in the studio, don't talk to me. And I said, sir, please,
and he said don't even look at me. Yes come
and I said, good God, and he said I can
get you job of glares. Wow, and I guess for
me it means three solid weeks of seeds and all
employment for a for an older fat man with an
(26:51):
elaborate gray beard. Oh this is perfect. We can tell
you about Christmas. This is Santa Claus. That's what Christmas
is to me, Sandy, he knows all about me. He
used to send me presents only on Years Day. I
was good. Uh tell us if he's been a good boy, Santa. Well,
I'm nothing real, Santa? Can playing? Can you tell me
(27:14):
if I've been a good boy? What the fuck? Well?
Set on my lap and we'll find out we shook you.
Wait wait wait, that chair is inflatable. It can't take
your weight. Wait wait, wait, that's gonna be dot from
my pay. Wait hold on a second, little day? Have
you been baptized? Brand blacks sharp shooter buddy? Oh pal, Hey,
(27:42):
what are you doing here? I have been sent down
to follow up on you and to enjoy something at
Orange Julias. Okay, what is that your ring doing in
your nose? I have been told that this is all that?
Oh that? Wow? Um, I gotta induce you to a
(28:03):
couple of pounds of mine. I met some earthling pounds.
Hey crew, sure I can't whistle yet. What's up, dude,
What's up, dude? What's up, dude? I'm Rick Ricks my friend. Hey, Rick,
(28:24):
you got like a really skinny torso and legs and
arms man really dead wild. I don't have a friend
on my lap. It's nice to meet all of you.
Oh my gosh, is that Christie Christie Pringle? Oh, I
(28:47):
have a huge fand a huge fad. Your music is
into galactic I had no idea. Thank you so much.
Do you want me to sign something? It's would have
been Christie Pringle featuring Big Crosby. That's what I said,
Fellas and no, it's okay in Santa and and miss Pringle.
(29:12):
If one thing I've learned about Christmas from my forty
five minutes here at the mall with you guys is
that Christmas is also about telling the truth. And I'm
gonna tell you all the truth. I feel like you said,
it's about the truth, liberty in the pursuit of happiness.
(29:33):
The truth is I'm an alien. I come from a
different galaxy, and he's also an alien. We come from
the same galaxy, same planet, home planet, but on that
planet he doesn't really want to be my friend. But
on this planet, you guys want to be my friend.
So in way, this is Christmas my lads. Again, I'm
(29:56):
so sorry. I never said I wanted to be your friend.
M How are you guy? Yeah, dude, I'm sorry. If
we're talking honestly, we're actually scamming you. What do you
mean they're giving you all that money? It looks like
it looks like the kids are lining up. I'd better
get out of here. No, but wait, you're my friend, right? No? No, no,
(30:20):
And being honest, he doesn't look like a rick. Yeah,
you got me? My bad, I'm drobble, I believe uh
Pran Blacks. You know what. This has given me a
lot of of things to chew on and think about.
(30:42):
And I realized I never gave you a chance. And
I think we could be good friends. We can enjoy
Havlack sauce and listening to Christie Pringles tunes throughout the
galaxy together. Oh my gosh, look at you, Yea growing
I'm growing, well, I'm getting I'm taller than all of you. Oh.
(31:09):
It reminds me of the Grinch, Remember, guys, Yea, his
heart which reached sizes that David, Well, you're torsos elongating
three tizes. Can I make a confession? I do? I
actually I want to be everyone's friend. It's hard for
me to make friends because I'm actually I too. Am
(31:32):
not human. I'm not an alien. I'm not. But if
you were to slice me head to dog, a bunch
of rats would pop out. I'm I'm the king. I'm
the king, mallrat, I'm a bit of a king rat
of the moll. We're all just saying our truths. I
guess I'm gonna be honest. Let's see. Um, I was
(31:57):
gonna say, um, just beyond from your heart. Yeah, if
I can be honest honestly. If there's one thing I
was gonna say about me being honest, um, just think
for your heart. I was it gonna say rats can
speak better than this guy. We already know Santa is
not even the real Chris Crinkle. I'm me, like, I'm
(32:20):
totally me. So what are you trying to be honest about?
Are you? Or are you gonna say it? Or no?
I'm asking you you say if you're gonna be honestly honestly,
like we've been friends for like as long as I
can remember, if there's something you need to be honest about,
time to fucking spill it. Dude. I've actually never been
(32:44):
to any other mall but this moment. What but you
told me about the tunnels, not dude, I was just
trying to sound like I've been to places, dude. Story
face and a bunch of friends came together one faithful
Christmas eve. I'm being Crosby. I hope you all had
(33:05):
a good time. Christie Pringle, watch you sing us out? Okay,
my I I Andy mad' why And that's our second scene. Yeah,
yea makes perfect sense. Three from Pat Catherine, who wrote
(33:30):
a lovely message which Kevin read before and was in
a few scenes here now was another suburban dad shows
off his brand new backyard barbecue. Yes, it's got six
squirrels on either side too, so it's nothing like the
propane crab. This is a percent charcoal. So yeah, I mean,
I know you're saying it probably got chopped down a
lot of trees, but let me tell you, I'm cooking
(33:51):
a lot of meat. And that's a that's actually a
working pizza oven run over there. So if you want
to throw in a pot caseddre's Yeah, she should be
home a little bit. You're on the volleyball team with
R Yeah, I can just come back if it's going
to be a while. Yeah, you can invite your friends
off a twitch. Wanna let everyone know. Actually there's like
(34:12):
I don't know if there's any parties or anything, but
you all can throw a party back here as long
as I can cook. Yeah cool? So anyway, yeah, right
over there, we got uh, right over here, I got
a oak fire, just just going oak would only ok.
I like that smell. And I got a smoker right
over here. And then are you are you texting somebody? Um? Yeah,
(34:36):
I'm like, I'm in a group chat and I'm I'm
just letting them know that they can come over here
to party. Oh great, yeah, yes, And you don't do
me take take some of the take some of the
tech tax videos of the grill and all that. Tktok's huh,
TikTok's yeah whatever, just take some take some videos. You
don't let people know about the grill. Yeah, I'm not
(34:58):
on TikTok. I'm not old as fe What do you
want it's called consult? Well, what what's the social media platform?
It's like for the bits for like the gen Cares.
It's like we're so fucking young. Yeah, we're so cool.
(35:18):
Yeah yeah, put it on, put it on on consultant
on console. Okay, just let me put it on consolet
But just like know that a bunch of people are
going to show up, and like all mys are mostly guys,
and like they're mostly like super protective of me. They're
like really really like the no no, no no, they're
(35:41):
like protective in a brotherly way, but also all the
it's like a little weird. Hey, what's up to you?
What are buddy here at Briskey cooking right? Chicken fingers
(36:03):
cooking as well? And I got four pies burning. This
is Cassandra's dad, and he said that we could do
whippets in his backyard gazebo if we wanted. What. Yeah,
as long as I can cook, I'm down with whatever.
Oh shit, okay, okay, By the way, your concept post
is blowing the funk up right now? Oh my gosh,
(36:24):
is it? Yeah? I love that. Hey, hey, stipp away, dude,
back up a little bit. Bro, wanted you to smell
the barbecue a little bit. Bro. Do you know she's
like my sister, But like I love her and she's hot.
Do you know what I mean? Dude? Yeah? Yeah, ok,
thank you so much, Todd. Todd, could you come over
(36:46):
to the fence for a second. I want to talk
to you real quick. Yeah, what's going on there? But
the smoke from this is coming like right into my house.
I told you before, you can move your house. I
can't move my house. I'm telling you it's not a
mobile home. Telling my avasthma that I'm trying to talk
(37:07):
to him. Okay, I got this. Your son's too skinny.
You might need some barbecue. I got cooking over here. No,
he's this is a healthy way of tradition. We're king
over here. We don't eat meat an we're trying to
avoid inflammatory foods, sensitive, flammatory. When someone kicks your ass
(37:28):
or not even meat it, Hey, that's that's not funny.
That almost could be taken as a threat, Todd. I'm
not threatening the kid. I'm saying someone else is gonna
threaten that kid. I'm just asking, like, these things are
on wheels, could you just cart it to the other
side of your guard I have a system here, buddy, Okay,
I gotta have the ribs here. I gotta have my
green egg right here. I gotta have my charcoal grill
(37:52):
right here. Okay, it's a system. I do not like
your green egg green eggs. We are the it Like,
I'm okay to him. Oh you'll eat him? No, I
won't eat it, but I'm okay with it. Look, if
there's nothing wrong with you, just stop giggling. I know
you're doing the whole consult a doctor thing, but I've
(38:14):
got actual sick people out there. All you teenagers are preteens.
Keep coming in here and giggling and putting whatever on
your phone. It's it's a bullshit hashtag thing. And I've
literally there's a guy that just got three gunshot wounds
and you're in here wasting my time. You show me that?
Can you get that on video right now? Already is
(38:35):
gonna fucking blow up? But like, can you show me
some gs w s got a gun shot? I can't.
I'm not sup I mean really, honestly, I'm general practitioner.
I shouldn't even be dealing with this ship. But you
know what, fine, you want to you want to put
this on consult, then do it. It's he's right here,
this sir, How bad is it hurt? Imagine you got
(38:58):
shut how many times, sir? Two times on the same
spot right there, one after the other. Bullets went boom,
all on the same spot. Yeah, you can see that
there's three gunshot wounds that all ended up in one.
So it's pretty amazing marksmanship. Who shot you? Ah? Oh?
(39:21):
Shot me? Yeah, I did, I shot. I get that.
It's such a short thing though. Shoot. I didn't get that.
I'm a cowboy, cowboy, hot cowboy. Can you say that again?
Can you say that again? But on camera? I don't know.
(39:42):
I'm a cowboy? Three times, same hole right dot. Yeah,
that's pretty clean shot. You're you're an ace man. Congratulations,
thank you. Yeah. Sometimes I'm looking for the non emergency
police station, the NUM agency line. This is not an emergency, sorry, buddy,
(40:02):
we only deal with emergency. Well, I mean it's I
don't need nine one. I just need to have the
officers come out. There's a party that's clearly too big
next door, and there's smoke. Look, buddy, the cops come out.
It's gonna be We're gonna be cracking some skulls. Baby,
what I'm saying, So motorcycles just showed up. I'm trying
(40:25):
to tell him. I'm the adult in this situation. Okay,
there's like twenty guys in motorcycles. I think it might
be the healthy age guys in motorcycles. On the motorcycles.
We got twenty guys inside motorcycles. What is protocol for that?
Correct skulls show? Okay, look, I got some conflicting reports
(40:47):
on this side, so we're gonna have to consult and
then we will call you back. Is this the best
number to reach it? What do you mean? What do
you what do you mean? Jaws of life? You gotta
crack the skulls, but first me to crack open the
motorcycles to to the skulls to crack. So we need
the jaws of life to do so because it's metal.
That's all I was saying. I still want to crack
(41:07):
the skulls. Okay, okay, okay, right, serge, which what do
you want to do? Guys, You've been sitting outside this
house in the car for going on an hour now.
I think you need to go knock, see what's going on,
and then make the decision right then and there if
you need to crack skulls our jaws of life. Look, serge,
(41:31):
I just want to say, I don't want to end
up on console tonight. You know what I mean. I
don't need the kind of publicity. I don't want those eyes.
I mean, you know, I mean these kids, they're they're young,
they're generation K, they're like pre preteen. They run this place,
you know what I mean? Yeah, I know, I know,
consults embarrassing, but I do care. First, fuck Toad. That's
the other one that the kids are doing nowadays. So
(41:52):
toad to. Both of those are out there, so beyond
your best behavior, you never know what platform them that
they're shooting for, starts, what's the what's the concept behind?
So I'm aware is of video audio for you audio?
And the first first all, I want to thank every
single one of the investors for meeting me out here today.
I have Okay, great, uh and I see we have
(42:18):
some of the Stone people here, So let's get right
to it now. I know for a fact that a
lot of us are thinking to ourselves, what's the next
hot app that's gonna take take take the storm? And
I have some idea of what this app is going
to be because I just so happened to have. Are
these hot dogs for everyone before one each Yes, but
(42:41):
they are so yeah, alright, how all these kids are
they all part of the investment here? No, they're not.
I just happened here about a free barbecue. I figured
we can up up out here. Might as well kill
two birds with one stone. Now I gotta I gotta guessan,
how many of you are on toad right now? I'm
on to I'll get on it right now. I'm not okay, okay,
(43:12):
I mean I thought it was super popular. My my
my kid was on it, so I I've been on
there for a couple of years now ever since my
kid was really into it, is it not? I'm on consult?
Does that count the next big thing? All right? Talking dog?
That's right. I believe I got my former master, Cassandra.
(43:40):
Why don't be mad at me. I didn't even make
out with your dad for that long. It's not a
big deal. It's not a big deal. But I wish
I hadn't found out about it. I'm fu towed. You
could have just told me, Sarah, stay the funk out
of this. Okay, No, Sarah, sorry, Master to be here,
that's right, I Sarah to be here? Oh really you
(44:01):
think you need a buffer? Do you think you need
a buffer. Do you know how many duds I'm on
right now? I could eat your face? Okay, Sarah, shut
the funk up. This is between me and Cassandra and
her dad and my fourteen boyfriends who are like brothers
to me, but we make out with each other's genitals.
Oh my god, girls, Oh my god. Bryce just got
(44:23):
burned bad by that pizza oven. He was doing a
backflip and then landed. Bryce is like a brother to
me who I love, but also not bright skin on
the back of his head all the way does back back.
Oh I'm so good. A back flip is typically this
(44:46):
is an emergency. And watch how I take it out
on this fucking barbecue dud. I'm gonna tear this whole
sheet apart. Oh sweet rolling? Yeah, okay at some music too,
Doug up up, but you I don't want you to
sap all right? Have you seen this funcktote of this
(45:08):
guy face planting into a pizza oven. It's amazing. I
feel like I can't even look at anymore, like it's
getting so gnarly. Goddamn respect. We're the funeral, Okay, I know,
I know I'm the funeral. Would you just put that down.
Please to some respect both of you. Um, if he's
(45:29):
going to be laid on his back, then will it
be an open casket because we won't be able to
see the burns of And I'd like to pay some
respect to his face. I'd like to look him, look
at him, just so I know he's dead, because if not,
how do I know? Margen? The ray is ready? Let
me know. If you want me to destroy the humans proceed,
(45:54):
We must completely annihilate this planet. Wait, I'm sorry, are
you right now? Where about blow up Earth? And you're
on fun to? No, I'm not, I'm just actually come here.
Look at this new challenge. They're asking people to hold
their breath for as long as possible, to hold their breath?
(46:15):
Will me blow them away? Sir? Margaret should be hold wait, wait,
hold on, I thought about this. What about instead of
blowing up Earth, we create our own app that destroys
them for good? Okay, we're all in alien investors here,
(46:38):
so please feel free to My name is okay? So
what do the children of Earth love more than likes Christmas? Christmas?
So why don't we come up with the Christmas app?
(47:00):
That's That's as far as I got Christmas, Christmas app,
Christmas told me the document, Yeah, give me one. Okay,
So I just don't have to. Can I still throw
out some ideas verbally? Sure? Sure? My fingers, you know,
(47:23):
as they're controlled by rats, they're not super dicks dexterous. Okay, Christie,
before you move your zippers, stuck. Um, this has been
a crazy fucking party. The only thing that would be
crazier is if we all got a notification simultaneously and
(47:43):
letting us know that Console and fund are dead and
there's a new app that's here to take over the world,
but it's probably not gonna happen. Are you still kissing
my genitals? You're like a little sister to me. Oh shoot,
we got a notification, O mine says um that I'm
(48:05):
running out a battery. I'm going to tend per cent
little battery mode mine too. That's weird, guy, You guys,
you guys. It's brand new. It's I find about it
on Turkey. That's tricky about it, Turkey, Turkey, what's the
new what's the newest hottest app? That's the thing about Turkey.
(48:26):
I can't understand it. I just don't. Yeah, I like it.
I just don't understand it. Um what about Google? Google? Google? Oh?
This is Google? Um Google, what's like the newest hottest app?
Suck frog? Suck frog? See, I understand Google. And that's
(48:50):
why I like Google better than Turkey. When people ask me,
that's what I say, I like Google. Can we trust Google?
Prav lacks? You have to get ours out of beta.
Earth needs it. Okay, okay, that suck from now. Okay,
hold on one last bug fixt Okay, Christmas is ready
(49:10):
to launch. All right, press the buttons. Hey, officers, I
see that you've been out here for quite a while.
That party is getting bad. There's been burned children, there
is I think you guys gotta go in there and
do something. My kids can't come outside because you can't breathe.
Here's the thing. We were actually called here because of
(49:32):
people inside of motorcycles. I think it was about twenty
men inside of motorcycles. So that's what we have to address.
We have to address that because that's what we were
By the way, kids inside, I can't open the door.
Howl do is he he's like nine? Perfect? Bring him out?
Bring him out? What Tommy, Grab a towel, wrap it
(49:59):
around your mouth. Come outside. Oh all right, come on out, Tommy.
It looks a little different, but I'm sure it's the towel, right,
Sorry I sound different one a towel rapped around my head. Hey, yeah,
I just want to talk to you. Yea, yeah, once
(50:19):
you hop at the back of the car. What are
you doing? So we're gonna question him inside the car?
Are you guys real officers? Absolutely? Come on come back here,
back here, Yes, we're not you. Can you get your
phone on you? I would just say, squids, do you
(50:40):
have your phone on you? Bud? Yeah I do. I'm
not allowed to have suck frog or fun though. Yeah,
I'm at the doctor a lot. Do you have? Do
you have Christmas? The holiday or the yeah? Yeah? Yeah, no,
(51:01):
Oh you should get it. Hello, you're fucking mind, dude?
Do you want to have a good time? It'll cure
your fucking asthma? Dude, are you really human? I guess
like it already started because my dad would make us
like wrap towels around our faces, and it was like
kind of sucked up. But then he let my brother
(51:24):
get into like a cop car that wasn't a cop
car at all. It was like a bunch of squids
who were like pretending to be humans, and I think
that they were like extraterrestrial squids. I'm not really sure,
but basically, after I lost my brother, I like wasn't
even able to like really even hold the phone because
I feel like that's what really took him, you know, like, hey, Alexa,
so we're ready for you to go on on live? Um?
(51:45):
Oh was that not recording? It's really hard for me
to talk about this. I don't know. I don't know
I can do that. You're okay, You're okay, you're just
thinking about it. I feel like a deluge of emotion.
You're okay, listen Mrs Parstual Enterprises. Okay, we're gonna take
care of you. Okay, okay, okay. And your sponsor today
(52:08):
is uh, the Christmas App. Okay, the Christmas App. Okay, yeah, okay, okay,
it's it's yours, it's yours. Have fun. Oh, welcome. This
(52:31):
abisoad has brought to you my Christmas. Oh that podcast
that was looks crazy. You're watching Ruffles reacts. Oh man,
it's so insane. This episode has brought to you by
(52:51):
Christmas de app. Download Christmas It'll Cure your asthma. That's
about all A time of the guy, Honey. I I
really liked the podcast when the chemistry with the two women.
But now I know this is gonna sound bad, but
(53:13):
she just sounds like she's whining the whole time. I
feel like I really thought the conversation between Theory and
Alexa was we're I don't know, I guess I grew
to love it. I'm sorry, we're watching you me and
dupre right now, Like, have me pause it if you
want to have this conversation. Okay, sorry, I'm sorry. I
(53:34):
just it's been in my mind. Me. Okay, that's fair,
that's fair. What what did bigs we say? Basb What
do you want to you want to say? Say something?
I know that was the movie. Uh, alright, all my
(53:54):
laundryes in my bags, take out. I'm lad we're coming home. Yeah.
I missed you guys very much. It's almost like I
don't know Christmas around here, you know. Yeah, let me
just turn on that old Christmas classic that we all
(54:14):
love so much. Why i I'm dream Why? Well, folks
said didn't make much sense at the end there, But
you know, we all had a good time, and I
(54:36):
hope you got Christmas in your homes, just like Christop
Pringle does and all of us do. And that is
our show. Everybody. Let's uh say ahead to the Alchemists,
see what they're up to. And uh yeah, Chris Alrando,
oh baby, thank you for having me. I mean, you know,
sometimes we just go to Crazy Play podcast and that's
(55:01):
what that's part of the joy of making this up
is going to different worlds and exploring characters and stuff,
you know, and that's just you know, if everybody out
there was listening was wondering, you know, about improvisation and
comedy in general. You know, that's weird doing it. And
don't you have a podcast to plug also? That has
to do with that. I think today I'm just gonna
(55:22):
leave it there, you know what I mean, You're just
gonna leave it right right right there. Broke. Um. I
know Chris has another podcast that he won't plug today,
so I guess listen to other apps. Um. I did
think that you were calling one of the scenes Cole
in the like in the last one, I thought you
had called you, but you called it as a character. Um,
(55:46):
isn't that fun? So that's I guess that's what I'm
plugging um my own confusion. I'm plugging my own confusion.
I am at Jackie Druthe everywhere, everywhere, Console, Fucto, all that,
all that good stuff. Kraik Kikowski, where can they find
you in suck Frog? On suck Frog, I am, uh
(56:09):
just Kakowski. I guess I'm the first Kikowski on there.
I also recently done an episode of six Seasons in
a podcast, which is a community fan podcast about the
television situation comedy community, which I did ten episodes of,
uh like ten years ago, so it was fun trying
to remember what I did. He's James Aney. Ah Well,
(56:33):
I'd like to say check out Brief News Brief. It
is still going as it releases every Tuesday and Thursday.
Brief News Brief dot com is probably the easiest place
to find it, or anywhere you get podcasts. Joey Greer.
Check out the Alchemy This Instagram. It's just Alchemy this
(56:53):
and Alcomy to checking out come on you don't If
you want to follow, follow if you want to comment,
huh yeah, And I'm Cold Stratton. You can find me
at Cold Stratton on Twitter, at Stratton Cole on Instagram.
Go to sssst dot com rent our old shows, hell,
keep us going and keep listening to alchemy this. It's
so much fun. Let's thank our engineer and producer, Doug
(57:17):
Babe and the fine folks at iHeart Media dot com.
Please write to us at your name here at alchemy
this dot com. That's your name here at alchemy this
dot com until next time. Wow, and a football for
(58:04):
Pepper for her
Welcome back to another episode of this edition. I'm your host,
Coldstread and for Kevin Pollard. First up, James, James, was
there a book you love growing up? Yeah? It was
the entire Lord of the Rings trilogy, except for the
(00:23):
first hundred pages of Fellowship of the Ring and the
last hundred pages of Return of the King. That was
my favorite book. Said, that's that's the one. Do you
read that those parts of the books quite a bit? Okay,
that's fair, I'll allow it. Oh, I guess I could
(00:43):
just say The Two Towers that was a slid book
from beginning to end. There you go, that works, and
not like it really matters. There's nothing at stake here,
but like the answer, I mean something, cred I don't
know what. H Hey, guys, Drakikowski is here, Craig, why
don't you return Joey's phone calls? Has he been trying
(01:05):
to call me? Oh my god? Oh I'm sorry. It
must have gone straight to voicemail. Um. Yeah, let him
know to to try me again, because it might he
might have an old number. He might have number, and
I you know, I monitor my voicemail pretty regularly though.
(01:28):
Let him know I'm here, Joey Grace here, Joey. Uh,
why do you keep calling Craig? Craig knows why why.
He and I had a deal early on. We're gonna
have this whole hamster farm at the beginning of quarantine,
and we're gonna make all big bucks. That's what he
kept saying. You roll with me, buddy, We're gonna make
(01:50):
big old bucks. So that's what he kept saying. These
hamsters are pretty much walking gold. Those were his words.
And I put two hundred and sixty tho dollars of
my own money that I had to steal into this
whatever Pondzi scheme he had going on. And once I
put that money into his Venmo comp he just dropped
off the face of the earth. I mean, of course
I see him every Wednesday. But besides that, he dropped
(02:11):
off the face of the earth. Looking through my phone,
I don't see it. I mean that all tracks, we
make a lot of money and podcasting, so that to
six K is nothing, um nothing, Hey, guys, Jackie truth,
he is here. He Hi, Jackie. Let's say you had
(02:31):
suddenly had unlimited wealth. What's one thing you would buy
just because you can? You don't even need to appreciate it.
You just buy it because you can. What's that thing?
I'm I really want to buy everyone's basketball sneakers, like
all of the players sneakers. Um, and I don't care
if they hit me or not. So cop out there.
(02:52):
I want them to play, but I want like matching ones. Um,
I want them all. Okay, that works. Finally Colorados here,
Chris Colorado? Going last? What language do you wish you
could speak? If you can learn anything, would you want
to learn? Going last? It's crazy, you know what I mean? Like,
it's like, this is Joey spot and I know he's upset,
(03:14):
and and when it comes to language, you think about,
like what's Joey's language? His is going last? Do you
know what I mean? And so I feel I'm speaking
his language right now. He can hear me, he can
understand me. Joey, can you hear me? Joey, can you
hear me? This feels good? French? Um, let's uh, let's
(03:35):
do it? I have show? Shall we? All of our
scene suggestions are gathered from listeners, emails, or from our
Patreon va p s to become a Patreon supporter of
the show and enjoy exclusive content and other perks. Just
head on over to patreon dot com slash alchemy this.
You'd like to submit a scene suggestion via email, please
write to the podcast at your name here at alchemy
this dot com. That's your name here at alchemy. See
(04:01):
number one is from Patreon. V I P. Allison, who
wrote been enjoying the show at Ton Cole on the
Cowboy Dracula scene had me laughing for days. Thank you. Anyway,
On the drive to work today, something James said triggered
Siria on my work phone, So my scene suggestion. If
this hasn't been done before, two women named Alexa and
Sirie start a fiery advice podcast, leading to unforeseen consequences
(04:23):
for their listeners. Thank you again for all your great work.
And it's signed Joseph. When Kpe wrote Allison, asking Joseph,
what have you done with Allison, she wrote, ha, ha,
this is Allison. I bought the v I P membership
for my husband for his birthday. I didn't know his
log in, so I bought it, bought it under my account.
He has permission to use it, and that wrotes up
(04:45):
this episode of knowing Yourself. I'm Serrie always joined with
and by Alasa, We thank you, We thank us, thank you,
me and us. That was really good, Alessa, it felt
so good. Siri, can I tell you I've been having
(05:08):
a rough one, just a rough bout. Yeah, you know what,
I'm feeling good. I think you should save that for
the next episode because we're gonna get started right now. Okay,
but like, can you keep telling me that? And like
I feel so bottled up, like I'm a pressure. You're
gonna You're gonna let it out right now on the podcast.
We have some guests today that you told me that
(05:29):
last week. I was like, I'm having issues with my husband.
You were like, save and then you didn't ask me
about it. Hey, Siri, what's the weather? The weather is
six six to six degrees of asa Alessa, Alessa, God
(05:56):
damn it. What's what Alex Alassa, Alexa, what do you
I'm here, what do you need? What temperature is it outside?
It's a little over six degrees stop? Stop? You have
to stop her els she won't shut the Okay, al right,
should we get into our next episode. We have we
(06:16):
have some special guest today. They're gonna be calling in. Okay, okay,
but but let's also remember like I have a lot
of You're gonna have time. You're gonna have time. No,
you're gonna have time. Okay, And welcome back to our podcast.
I'm Syria along with Alasa. We're here to talk about
you Me and it's a little over six degrees Alessa,
(06:40):
Alessa stop stop sorry anyways, we're here to talk about
you Me and dupre one of the most underrated movies
I have ever darned seen, and I've seen it fifteen times.
You know who's in that movie? The same guy, that
(07:04):
same guy who's in Everybody Loves Mary Something is about
Mary in her hair? Ben Stiller. No, No, the other guy, Alexa.
Who is in you Mean Duprix? It's about six degrees outside, Si, Si,
about six degrees outside. No, I'm asking Siri, now you Siri,
(07:26):
I'm asking robotics series. Hey. Oh no, I have to say, hey,
hey Siri, Hey Siri. Okay, um, who's in you Mean? Dupree?
Top three A Top three Castle listed, Top three cast
listed in You, Me and dupri from nineteen A phone call, sweetheart,
(07:49):
You've got to stop listening to that podcast. It is sucking,
ruining my life. It's rooting my life. I'm just trying
to I'm just trying to cook in the kitchen. I'm
setting timers. I've burdened things. Please because things are going off?
Or is it because we've watched you mean dupri thirteen
times this week? That movie is good? It's because you
(08:11):
keep interacting. I'm trying to future proof our hope here
and you're ruining my life. Look, it's bad enough that
your name is Google because we have devices going off
all the time. Hunt. Okay, I was named Google as
a little boy. I was Google. That doesn't matter. That's different.
That's me child. No, thank you Google, Okay, don't stand
(08:37):
by stop Okay, Google, thank you, sweetheart. I think that
we've got enough problems in our home with my name,
and I'm sorry that you married into this burden. But
you can't bring this Kate Hudson and Matt Dylan Matt
(08:59):
about We're good. Okay, the issue, honey? Could the issue
be that we have more than one device in this household?
I don't know why you bought an Alexa? Serious? Here
swe where we can stop. Google Investors. Thank you so
(09:25):
much for meeting me here, and I guarantee you that
after this presentation, I've got a lot of money. My
name is Jed said pleasure. I think everyone here if
you're not introduced to each other. That dog in the
corner is named Ruffles. So let's just if you would
like to pet that dog? Feel free? All right? So
I actually have a question before you start. Oh, yes,
(09:46):
for Francesca Chester Bottom um, one of the investors. Uh.
My main question is you did call us to this
dog park to pitch us your invention? Um? And I
was just wanting is there a CORRELA shouldn't? It's getting
quite hot and some of us do have allergies. I don't.
Is there a correlation between your allergies and the heat
(10:09):
and its socious? Celsius? Of course, Celsius? Is that? Did
that answer your question? So what's the invention? M just
curious the inventions we're rich, man, we don't have, and
a woman is dead and ruffles, let's not forget ruffles.
(10:32):
He's not investing. You'd be surprised. M hmm, okay, got it.
I gotta took up milk. No, the invention was your
was your wife? Your wife? I didn't want to ask
your an investor? Yeah, you know, so I'm glad you did.
(10:54):
Ted okay, so investors, I'm glad that you're here. Do
you do you? Is it doty to talk louder? Can
you hear me? Because everyone's kind of space? May I
just can I just take a guess with the invention
is I'd rather just tell you so? I I think
I know what it is Tedding android. You built him,
(11:15):
and he's trying to infiltrate in this group as another
rich man, and then it's going to be revealed that
io he doesn't even look like a real person, now
that you say that, actually, because to me, if anyone
in this group is an android doing infiltrating, it's the
one who's married to the serie. But the robot, I
was gonna say the other way. I was gonna say
(11:36):
probably chester Bottom because it interesting. She doesn't seem human. Interesting.
Maybe it was the invention. Maybe it was wrong about
the invention. So you tell us, which look at all
these androids in the park, Oh, so many androids? A
talking dog? Are you out in your mind? What is
it that you invented? Glem? I'm a done to get
(12:01):
doc and you all androids. I thought I'll break it
to you now I'm actually his invention I'm his invention.
I don't know I'm gonna I'm gonna android, so I
can't tell, but I Wilson. Hey, Ted, how is the meeting?
(12:22):
My name is Ted. Yeah, Hey, I made you a
little drink. I know it's early, but it's five o'clock
somewhere it is. It's five o'clock right now in Parachi, Pakistan. Yeah,
I was thinking what if we got rid of the
kids and had a little alone time tonight? Well, I
(12:43):
like a loone time. Okay, okay, how do you suggest
we get rid of the kids? Mm hmm let me
think about that. This is Gonzalo, Hester and I'm here
reporting outside of this house here where there was a
brutal murder of three children, absolutely brutally dismembered by it
(13:05):
seems like their own parents, or rather one parent and
one possible boyfriend. I'm here with the boyfriend. Now. It's
amazing I'm getting this interview. He should be locked up. Uh, sir,
your name my name is Ted. Ted Great and uh
what exactly were you doing here at this house at
this ungodly hour? If we're talking about hours, you know,
(13:28):
if we were in Karachi, Pakistan, it'd be like four
am so in this one goodly hour in Karachi, Pakistan.
But we're not. We're here in Wisconsin. What were you
doing here at this house right now in Karachi, Pakistan?
It's three. That's my bad for bringing up Karachi, Pakistan. Actually, um,
I'm gonna ask you a different question. What was your
relation to the children who were brutally dismembered. My name
(13:51):
is Ted and I live at seven thirty five West Waywood. Wow. Okay,
doc's to yourself. This is live wonderful. Um. I have
a follow up question to that, living where you live,
being who you are, did you murder the my name
is dead? All right, and welcome back to probably the
(14:15):
last episode of Here We Are. Why would you even
say that it is the last one. I'm saying probably
there's so much stuff that I still haven't been able
to get all of my chest alexa. Like WHENY episodes,
happiness is a feeling only inspired through joy Stop. Okay, okay,
(14:40):
now is your time? Go Oh my god, we're getting
a call right now. So we have one special guest,
HI special guest. Welcome to the podcast. My name is dead.
First time listener, a long time card. Okay, he calls
all the time, I I think I might be an android?
(15:02):
Am I? Am I an android? Ale said, you want
to take this one. I mean that's a problem because
if you're going to be anything, you definitely want to
be an Apple product. You do not want to be
an android that is going to have a lot of bugs.
There's gonna be some defects. There's gonna be some recalls.
Um on, So I hope not for your sake? Do
(15:28):
you agree I agree that I agree that green is
not the best color? Please repeat? You questioning, Alexia? Are
you going to help me? Help you with what? Hey? Siri,
is anyone there? What time is it in Karachi, Pakistan?
(15:57):
Am I on alone? Am I real human? Am I android? Darling?
I'm taking our daughter Bixby, and we are leaving. Okay,
this whole house was set to make our lives easier,
and you've turned it into an Amityville horror style living. Okay,
Bixby and I are gone. Okay, Okay, Bixby, get your
(16:21):
laundry up your luggage from upstairs. Do I get by
laundry or by luggage? Well, hopefully Bixby, your laundry is
in your luggage because we're leaving your mother say goodbye. Now,
you're not lucking this house. I have several other new
assistants set up that will will prohibit that. Okay, Turkey,
lock the doors. What the hell is this my new
(16:46):
AI home assistant. It's called Turkey. Would you like to
know the time in Turkey right now? Sure? It's four am.
You know what they say, It's always four. I am
a Karachi Alexai. Thank you for coming to bar stool
(17:09):
Um Enterprises. We love your podcast, but we love you
most of all. We want to give you your own
show where you can talk about your problems and how
you're feeling good. Um, because I have a lot actually
to unpackt um, but before I actually sign on with you,
because I have a lot of meetings, a lot of
(17:29):
people are super interested in what I have to say
and all of my issues. Mainly they start with my
very dramatic birth, but we can get into that on
the air. Um. Are you in any correlation with bar
stool Sports because I heard that like you steal other
people's content and that like I shouldn't be affiliating with you.
(17:50):
Is that true? That's not your Barstonal Media very different
from Barstonal Sports. Enterprises. Yeah, enterprises. You think we're a
baseball team or some or like a social media account.
I wasn't sure. I was where does this Where does
the sports come into play in that scenario? It's I
think it's like mostly um, they like re share other
(18:12):
people's like jokes about sports. Oh we're busted, burned the
burn the paper quick, Jesus Christ. Okay, locked the door,
put a chair against it. Who's Who's who? Linked? Who
liked it? Was me, the dog that works for you.
(18:36):
That's our first day. Very nice, they're very nice. Sorry,
nice days. I'm surprised that more devices didn't go off
in our places, but congratulations on just serious occasionally. See
two is from Andrew, who wrote Kevin and Crew best
(18:57):
podcast hands down. Let's go. A group of mall rats
working Christmas have to explain to an alien. I don't
know where it came from either, what Christmas is? Thanks
for the laughs, Andrew Davis. I mean think of it
like this, right, like if every mall in America has
like a tunnel that you were able to go to
(19:20):
another mall at what what about outdoor malls? Those are
would be like a bridge then? Or every stories excuse me,
do you guys have this in the medium in the
back finding chance we're a medium, Yeah, but we don't
(19:41):
work here for me. By the way, I know I'm
super tiny. Of course it's not you. I'm super tiny.
I know. Uh huh. So there's a tunnel that goes
to every mall. Right, and then and then like, so okay,
what if we listen, I could use some extra Christmas scratch,
(20:05):
what if we help this person get some clothes? Can
make money on the side. Here you saying we're ringing
up at this hot topic. And then in some way
we're able to like a consultant feed dude. You and
I know the mall better than anybody. Wait, hold on
a second. Hey, hey buddy, buddy, come here. Yeah, I
(20:27):
know I'm really tiny. No, no, that was a mistake.
We made a mistake. We don't work here at hot topic.
We work for the entire malls across America, and we
can help you. If you're doing Christmas shopping. We could
help you what shopping the Christmas shopping. So if you've
(20:49):
got gifts that you need to get people for Christmas,
then we could probably help you go through and find
some of the best deals at the stores, and our
consulting fee is just ten percent on top of your purchases,
right right, right, all right, tram Blacks, we're sending you down.
You need to infiltrate Claire's boutique before midnight and then
(21:10):
come report back to us on the ship. Okay, bran Blacks,
are you gonna make me bigger? By any chance? No?
You go the size you are? All right? You'll that
request three light years ago, pram Blacks. If you do
this correctly, I guarantee you we will make you bigger. Okay,
pram Blacks. Hey, I'm glad you're my boss but also
(21:32):
my friend. Oh let's keep it in business. Okay, fran Blacks.
Unless I get this operation completed, then we're probably Can
you complete the operation? We can't go for some have
blacked sauce. Oh gosh, oh gosh. A light year is
a measure of distance, not time. Okay, back box, black
(21:55):
box signing off? All right, fram Blacks, do us proud? Sure?
Can I help you get some of those earrings? You
know it's by three and get two for free by
We know, we know the deals, we know the deals.
We're helping the sky because you work here doesn't mean
(22:17):
you got to be the helper, and well, it actually is.
It is my job. I'm getting paid for this, and
I actually I'm not allowed to be behind the register
because I've got what they like to call sticky fingers
when it comes with paper. Um, but I don't steal
any actual goods merchandise, so I'm allowed to be on
the floor but not at the register. So it's actually
(22:39):
the only thing I'm allowed to do. Huh, that's kind
of what our business plan is. Uh, this is a
business plan and just um reprimanding for the time that
I stole five hundred bucks from the register. Uh, somehow
I kept my job. You know what, I know exactly
how I kept my job. I get my job because
this basic guys I'm famous, so he couldn't let me go.
(23:03):
So Jojo Sia close. I sing that that Christmas song
Angry Man Chriss. You know that song? Yeah, the original
origin A special guest Whipping Cross feat. Why don't you
(23:28):
know your Christie Pringle? Oh, Christie brings feasturing Christie Pringle.
They open my name in there because it's next to
be We're hoping our new friend do is Christmas shopping?
So I yes, if you want to help us out here,
that will be hopeful. You should join our fellowship. If
(23:51):
you are you behind the counter, join our fellowship, grand Blacks,
I am I melding you report in. Who have you met?
M hm Hi, buddy bran Blacks my friend? Yes, pal
cam blex um, I've met three humans who are helping
(24:14):
me shot. But they keep using this word Christmas and
I'm not familiar with that. Can you send that information
to my gold device? Greetings, bock Box, please tell us
what is Christmas? Christmas is a earth alliday celebrating the life, birth,
(24:39):
and death of Jesus Christ. I gotta I've gotta reset,
bock bock. I'm gonna do a hard reset. Okay, Grumble.
Do you have excelled in your ability to get problocks
out into the field with the earth leans to a
(24:59):
st publish a beachhead? If you will now to further
our experiment, you must ingratiate with prob blocks. You must
become besties, as they say. But Morgan fram Blacks is
such a drag have you spent any time with I mean,
he's little, but it's a little goes a long way.
(25:21):
You know, I know this, I know no, I've seen
the tapes. It's it is a lot for such a
little but that's gonna be. Um, that's gonna be what
you gotta do. So buck buck bufferick, buck buck bufferick
is your back bock messing up there? So, um, you
(25:43):
guys have been really helpful, um with helping me with
my shopping. I got a lot of mediums, which is
really nice. I've learned what the meaning of Claire's is. Um.
But one thing I'm confused about is and I don't
want to I don't want to dictionary fundition. But what
does Christmas mean to each of you? Christmas to me
(26:05):
means the celebration of the birth, life and death of Jesus.
It doesn't mean anything deeper than that. It doesn't go
further than that. I guess for me, Christmas was what
brought me into my stardom, and it's so for me,
it's a celebration of success and friendship with it being
(26:27):
Crosby very short lived. Actually, he said, if we're not
in the studio, don't talk to me. And I said, sir, please,
and he said don't even look at me. Yes come
and I said, good God, and he said I can
get you job of glares. Wow, and I guess for
me it means three solid weeks of seeds and all
employment for a for an older fat man with an
(26:51):
elaborate gray beard. Oh this is perfect. We can tell
you about Christmas. This is Santa Claus. That's what Christmas
is to me, Sandy, he knows all about me. He
used to send me presents only on Years Day. I
was good. Uh tell us if he's been a good boy, Santa. Well,
I'm nothing real, Santa? Can playing? Can you tell me
(27:14):
if I've been a good boy? What the fuck? Well?
Set on my lap and we'll find out we shook you.
Wait wait wait, that chair is inflatable. It can't take
your weight. Wait wait, wait, that's gonna be dot from
my pay. Wait hold on a second, little day? Have
you been baptized? Brand blacks sharp shooter buddy? Oh pal, Hey,
(27:42):
what are you doing here? I have been sent down
to follow up on you and to enjoy something at
Orange Julias. Okay, what is that your ring doing in
your nose? I have been told that this is all that?
Oh that? Wow? Um, I gotta induce you to a
(28:03):
couple of pounds of mine. I met some earthling pounds.
Hey crew, sure I can't whistle yet. What's up, dude,
What's up, dude? What's up, dude? I'm Rick Ricks my friend. Hey, Rick,
(28:24):
you got like a really skinny torso and legs and
arms man really dead wild. I don't have a friend
on my lap. It's nice to meet all of you.
Oh my gosh, is that Christie Christie Pringle? Oh, I
(28:47):
have a huge fand a huge fad. Your music is
into galactic I had no idea. Thank you so much.
Do you want me to sign something? It's would have
been Christie Pringle featuring Big Crosby. That's what I said,
Fellas and no, it's okay in Santa and and miss Pringle.
(29:12):
If one thing I've learned about Christmas from my forty
five minutes here at the mall with you guys is
that Christmas is also about telling the truth. And I'm
gonna tell you all the truth. I feel like you said,
it's about the truth, liberty in the pursuit of happiness.
(29:33):
The truth is I'm an alien. I come from a
different galaxy, and he's also an alien. We come from
the same galaxy, same planet, home planet, but on that
planet he doesn't really want to be my friend. But
on this planet, you guys want to be my friend.
So in way, this is Christmas my lads. Again, I'm
(29:56):
so sorry. I never said I wanted to be your friend.
M How are you guy? Yeah, dude, I'm sorry. If
we're talking honestly, we're actually scamming you. What do you
mean they're giving you all that money? It looks like
it looks like the kids are lining up. I'd better
get out of here. No, but wait, you're my friend, right? No? No, no,
(30:20):
And being honest, he doesn't look like a rick. Yeah,
you got me? My bad, I'm drobble, I believe uh
Pran Blacks. You know what. This has given me a
lot of of things to chew on and think about.
(30:42):
And I realized I never gave you a chance. And
I think we could be good friends. We can enjoy
Havlack sauce and listening to Christie Pringles tunes throughout the
galaxy together. Oh my gosh, look at you, Yea growing
I'm growing, well, I'm getting I'm taller than all of you. Oh.
(31:09):
It reminds me of the Grinch, Remember, guys, Yea, his
heart which reached sizes that David, Well, you're torsos elongating
three tizes. Can I make a confession? I do? I
actually I want to be everyone's friend. It's hard for
me to make friends because I'm actually I too. Am
(31:32):
not human. I'm not an alien. I'm not. But if
you were to slice me head to dog, a bunch
of rats would pop out. I'm I'm the king. I'm
the king, mallrat, I'm a bit of a king rat
of the moll. We're all just saying our truths. I
guess I'm gonna be honest. Let's see. Um, I was
(31:57):
gonna say, um, just beyond from your heart. Yeah, if
I can be honest honestly. If there's one thing I
was gonna say about me being honest, um, just think
for your heart. I was it gonna say rats can
speak better than this guy. We already know Santa is
not even the real Chris Crinkle. I'm me, like, I'm
(32:20):
totally me. So what are you trying to be honest about?
Are you? Or are you gonna say it? Or no?
I'm asking you you say if you're gonna be honestly honestly,
like we've been friends for like as long as I
can remember, if there's something you need to be honest about,
time to fucking spill it. Dude. I've actually never been
(32:44):
to any other mall but this moment. What but you
told me about the tunnels, not dude, I was just
trying to sound like I've been to places, dude. Story
face and a bunch of friends came together one faithful
Christmas eve. I'm being Crosby. I hope you all had
(33:05):
a good time. Christie Pringle, watch you sing us out? Okay,
my I I Andy mad' why And that's our second scene. Yeah,
yea makes perfect sense. Three from Pat Catherine, who wrote
(33:30):
a lovely message which Kevin read before and was in
a few scenes here now was another suburban dad shows
off his brand new backyard barbecue. Yes, it's got six
squirrels on either side too, so it's nothing like the
propane crab. This is a percent charcoal. So yeah, I mean,
I know you're saying it probably got chopped down a
lot of trees, but let me tell you, I'm cooking
(33:51):
a lot of meat. And that's a that's actually a
working pizza oven run over there. So if you want
to throw in a pot caseddre's Yeah, she should be
home a little bit. You're on the volleyball team with
R Yeah, I can just come back if it's going
to be a while. Yeah, you can invite your friends
off a twitch. Wanna let everyone know. Actually there's like
(34:12):
I don't know if there's any parties or anything, but
you all can throw a party back here as long
as I can cook. Yeah cool? So anyway, yeah, right
over there, we got uh, right over here, I got
a oak fire, just just going oak would only ok.
I like that smell. And I got a smoker right
over here. And then are you are you texting somebody? Um? Yeah,
(34:36):
I'm like, I'm in a group chat and I'm I'm
just letting them know that they can come over here
to party. Oh great, yeah, yes, And you don't do
me take take some of the take some of the
tech tax videos of the grill and all that. Tktok's huh,
TikTok's yeah whatever, just take some take some videos. You
don't let people know about the grill. Yeah, I'm not
(34:58):
on TikTok. I'm not old as fe What do you
want it's called consult? Well, what what's the social media platform?
It's like for the bits for like the gen Cares.
It's like we're so fucking young. Yeah, we're so cool.
(35:18):
Yeah yeah, put it on, put it on on consultant
on console. Okay, just let me put it on consolet
But just like know that a bunch of people are
going to show up, and like all mys are mostly guys,
and like they're mostly like super protective of me. They're
like really really like the no no, no no, they're
(35:41):
like protective in a brotherly way, but also all the
it's like a little weird. Hey, what's up to you?
What are buddy here at Briskey cooking right? Chicken fingers
(36:03):
cooking as well? And I got four pies burning. This
is Cassandra's dad, and he said that we could do
whippets in his backyard gazebo if we wanted. What. Yeah,
as long as I can cook, I'm down with whatever.
Oh shit, okay, okay, By the way, your concept post
is blowing the funk up right now? Oh my gosh,
(36:24):
is it? Yeah? I love that. Hey, hey, stipp away, dude,
back up a little bit. Bro, wanted you to smell
the barbecue a little bit. Bro. Do you know she's
like my sister, But like I love her and she's hot.
Do you know what I mean? Dude? Yeah? Yeah, ok,
thank you so much, Todd. Todd, could you come over
(36:46):
to the fence for a second. I want to talk
to you real quick. Yeah, what's going on there? But
the smoke from this is coming like right into my house.
I told you before, you can move your house. I
can't move my house. I'm telling you it's not a
mobile home. Telling my avasthma that I'm trying to talk
(37:07):
to him. Okay, I got this. Your son's too skinny.
You might need some barbecue. I got cooking over here. No,
he's this is a healthy way of tradition. We're king
over here. We don't eat meat an we're trying to
avoid inflammatory foods, sensitive, flammatory. When someone kicks your ass
(37:28):
or not even meat it, Hey, that's that's not funny.
That almost could be taken as a threat, Todd. I'm
not threatening the kid. I'm saying someone else is gonna
threaten that kid. I'm just asking, like, these things are
on wheels, could you just cart it to the other
side of your guard I have a system here, buddy, Okay,
I gotta have the ribs here. I gotta have my
green egg right here. I gotta have my charcoal grill
(37:52):
right here. Okay, it's a system. I do not like
your green egg green eggs. We are the it Like,
I'm okay to him. Oh you'll eat him? No, I
won't eat it, but I'm okay with it. Look, if
there's nothing wrong with you, just stop giggling. I know
you're doing the whole consult a doctor thing, but I've
(38:14):
got actual sick people out there. All you teenagers are preteens.
Keep coming in here and giggling and putting whatever on
your phone. It's it's a bullshit hashtag thing. And I've
literally there's a guy that just got three gunshot wounds
and you're in here wasting my time. You show me that?
Can you get that on video right now? Already is
(38:35):
gonna fucking blow up? But like, can you show me
some gs w s got a gun shot? I can't.
I'm not sup I mean really, honestly, I'm general practitioner.
I shouldn't even be dealing with this ship. But you
know what, fine, you want to you want to put
this on consult, then do it. It's he's right here,
this sir, How bad is it hurt? Imagine you got
(38:58):
shut how many times, sir? Two times on the same
spot right there, one after the other. Bullets went boom,
all on the same spot. Yeah, you can see that
there's three gunshot wounds that all ended up in one.
So it's pretty amazing marksmanship. Who shot you? Ah? Oh?
(39:21):
Shot me? Yeah, I did, I shot. I get that.
It's such a short thing though. Shoot. I didn't get that.
I'm a cowboy, cowboy, hot cowboy. Can you say that again?
Can you say that again? But on camera? I don't know.
(39:42):
I'm a cowboy? Three times, same hole right dot. Yeah,
that's pretty clean shot. You're you're an ace man. Congratulations,
thank you. Yeah. Sometimes I'm looking for the non emergency
police station, the NUM agency line. This is not an emergency, sorry, buddy,
(40:02):
we only deal with emergency. Well, I mean it's I
don't need nine one. I just need to have the
officers come out. There's a party that's clearly too big
next door, and there's smoke. Look, buddy, the cops come out.
It's gonna be We're gonna be cracking some skulls. Baby,
what I'm saying, So motorcycles just showed up. I'm trying
(40:25):
to tell him. I'm the adult in this situation. Okay,
there's like twenty guys in motorcycles. I think it might
be the healthy age guys in motorcycles. On the motorcycles.
We got twenty guys inside motorcycles. What is protocol for that?
Correct skulls show? Okay, look, I got some conflicting reports
(40:47):
on this side, so we're gonna have to consult and
then we will call you back. Is this the best
number to reach it? What do you mean? What do
you what do you mean? Jaws of life? You gotta
crack the skulls, but first me to crack open the
motorcycles to to the skulls to crack. So we need
the jaws of life to do so because it's metal.
That's all I was saying. I still want to crack
(41:07):
the skulls. Okay, okay, okay, right, serge, which what do
you want to do? Guys, You've been sitting outside this
house in the car for going on an hour now.
I think you need to go knock, see what's going on,
and then make the decision right then and there if
you need to crack skulls our jaws of life. Look, serge,
(41:31):
I just want to say, I don't want to end
up on console tonight. You know what I mean. I
don't need the kind of publicity. I don't want those eyes.
I mean, you know, I mean these kids, they're they're young,
they're generation K, they're like pre preteen. They run this place,
you know what I mean? Yeah, I know, I know,
consults embarrassing, but I do care. First, fuck Toad. That's
the other one that the kids are doing nowadays. So
(41:52):
toad to. Both of those are out there, so beyond
your best behavior, you never know what platform them that
they're shooting for, starts, what's the what's the concept behind?
So I'm aware is of video audio for you audio?
And the first first all, I want to thank every
single one of the investors for meeting me out here today.
I have Okay, great, uh and I see we have
(42:18):
some of the Stone people here, So let's get right
to it now. I know for a fact that a
lot of us are thinking to ourselves, what's the next
hot app that's gonna take take take the storm? And
I have some idea of what this app is going
to be because I just so happened to have. Are
these hot dogs for everyone before one each Yes, but
(42:41):
they are so yeah, alright, how all these kids are
they all part of the investment here? No, they're not.
I just happened here about a free barbecue. I figured
we can up up out here. Might as well kill
two birds with one stone. Now I gotta I gotta guessan,
how many of you are on toad right now? I'm
on to I'll get on it right now. I'm not okay, okay,
(43:12):
I mean I thought it was super popular. My my
my kid was on it, so I I've been on
there for a couple of years now ever since my
kid was really into it, is it not? I'm on consult?
Does that count the next big thing? All right? Talking dog?
That's right. I believe I got my former master, Cassandra.
(43:40):
Why don't be mad at me. I didn't even make
out with your dad for that long. It's not a
big deal. It's not a big deal. But I wish
I hadn't found out about it. I'm fu towed. You
could have just told me, Sarah, stay the funk out
of this. Okay, No, Sarah, sorry, Master to be here,
that's right, I Sarah to be here? Oh really you
(44:01):
think you need a buffer? Do you think you need
a buffer. Do you know how many duds I'm on
right now? I could eat your face? Okay, Sarah, shut
the funk up. This is between me and Cassandra and
her dad and my fourteen boyfriends who are like brothers
to me, but we make out with each other's genitals.
Oh my god, girls, Oh my god. Bryce just got
(44:23):
burned bad by that pizza oven. He was doing a
backflip and then landed. Bryce is like a brother to
me who I love, but also not bright skin on
the back of his head all the way does back back.
Oh I'm so good. A back flip is typically this
(44:46):
is an emergency. And watch how I take it out
on this fucking barbecue dud. I'm gonna tear this whole
sheet apart. Oh sweet rolling? Yeah, okay at some music too,
Doug up up, but you I don't want you to
sap all right? Have you seen this funcktote of this
(45:08):
guy face planting into a pizza oven. It's amazing. I
feel like I can't even look at anymore, like it's
getting so gnarly. Goddamn respect. We're the funeral, Okay, I know,
I know I'm the funeral. Would you just put that down.
Please to some respect both of you. Um, if he's
(45:29):
going to be laid on his back, then will it
be an open casket because we won't be able to
see the burns of And I'd like to pay some
respect to his face. I'd like to look him, look
at him, just so I know he's dead, because if not,
how do I know? Margen? The ray is ready? Let
me know. If you want me to destroy the humans proceed,
(45:54):
We must completely annihilate this planet. Wait, I'm sorry, are
you right now? Where about blow up Earth? And you're
on fun to? No, I'm not, I'm just actually come here.
Look at this new challenge. They're asking people to hold
their breath for as long as possible, to hold their breath?
(46:15):
Will me blow them away? Sir? Margaret should be hold wait, wait,
hold on, I thought about this. What about instead of
blowing up Earth, we create our own app that destroys
them for good? Okay, we're all in alien investors here,
(46:38):
so please feel free to My name is okay? So
what do the children of Earth love more than likes Christmas? Christmas?
So why don't we come up with the Christmas app?
(47:00):
That's That's as far as I got Christmas, Christmas app,
Christmas told me the document, Yeah, give me one. Okay,
So I just don't have to. Can I still throw
out some ideas verbally? Sure? Sure? My fingers, you know,
(47:23):
as they're controlled by rats, they're not super dicks dexterous. Okay, Christie,
before you move your zippers, stuck. Um, this has been
a crazy fucking party. The only thing that would be
crazier is if we all got a notification simultaneously and
(47:43):
letting us know that Console and fund are dead and
there's a new app that's here to take over the world,
but it's probably not gonna happen. Are you still kissing
my genitals? You're like a little sister to me. Oh shoot,
we got a notification, O mine says um that I'm
(48:05):
running out a battery. I'm going to tend per cent
little battery mode mine too. That's weird, guy, You guys,
you guys. It's brand new. It's I find about it
on Turkey. That's tricky about it, Turkey, Turkey, what's the
new what's the newest hottest app? That's the thing about Turkey.
(48:26):
I can't understand it. I just don't. Yeah, I like it.
I just don't understand it. Um what about Google? Google? Google? Oh?
This is Google? Um Google, what's like the newest hottest app?
Suck frog? Suck frog? See, I understand Google. And that's
(48:50):
why I like Google better than Turkey. When people ask me,
that's what I say, I like Google. Can we trust Google?
Prav lacks? You have to get ours out of beta.
Earth needs it. Okay, okay, that suck from now. Okay,
hold on one last bug fixt Okay, Christmas is ready
(49:10):
to launch. All right, press the buttons. Hey, officers, I
see that you've been out here for quite a while.
That party is getting bad. There's been burned children, there
is I think you guys gotta go in there and
do something. My kids can't come outside because you can't breathe.
Here's the thing. We were actually called here because of
(49:32):
people inside of motorcycles. I think it was about twenty
men inside of motorcycles. So that's what we have to address.
We have to address that because that's what we were
By the way, kids inside, I can't open the door.
Howl do is he he's like nine? Perfect? Bring him out?
Bring him out? What Tommy, Grab a towel, wrap it
(49:59):
around your mouth. Come outside. Oh all right, come on out, Tommy.
It looks a little different, but I'm sure it's the towel, right,
Sorry I sound different one a towel rapped around my head. Hey, yeah,
I just want to talk to you. Yea, yeah, once
(50:19):
you hop at the back of the car. What are
you doing? So we're gonna question him inside the car?
Are you guys real officers? Absolutely? Come on come back here,
back here, Yes, we're not you. Can you get your
phone on you? I would just say, squids, do you
(50:40):
have your phone on you? Bud? Yeah I do. I'm
not allowed to have suck frog or fun though. Yeah,
I'm at the doctor a lot. Do you have? Do
you have Christmas? The holiday or the yeah? Yeah? Yeah, no,
(51:01):
Oh you should get it. Hello, you're fucking mind, dude?
Do you want to have a good time? It'll cure
your fucking asthma? Dude, are you really human? I guess
like it already started because my dad would make us
like wrap towels around our faces, and it was like
kind of sucked up. But then he let my brother
(51:24):
get into like a cop car that wasn't a cop
car at all. It was like a bunch of squids
who were like pretending to be humans, and I think
that they were like extraterrestrial squids. I'm not really sure,
but basically, after I lost my brother, I like wasn't
even able to like really even hold the phone because
I feel like that's what really took him, you know, like, hey, Alexa,
so we're ready for you to go on on live? Um?
(51:45):
Oh was that not recording? It's really hard for me
to talk about this. I don't know. I don't know
I can do that. You're okay, You're okay, you're just
thinking about it. I feel like a deluge of emotion.
You're okay, listen Mrs Parstual Enterprises. Okay, we're gonna take
care of you. Okay, okay, okay. And your sponsor today
(52:08):
is uh, the Christmas App. Okay, the Christmas App. Okay, yeah, okay, okay,
it's it's yours, it's yours. Have fun. Oh, welcome. This
(52:31):
abisoad has brought to you my Christmas. Oh that podcast
that was looks crazy. You're watching Ruffles reacts. Oh man,
it's so insane. This episode has brought to you by
(52:51):
Christmas de app. Download Christmas It'll Cure your asthma. That's
about all A time of the guy, Honey. I I
really liked the podcast when the chemistry with the two women.
But now I know this is gonna sound bad, but
(53:13):
she just sounds like she's whining the whole time. I
feel like I really thought the conversation between Theory and
Alexa was we're I don't know, I guess I grew
to love it. I'm sorry, we're watching you me and
dupre right now, Like, have me pause it if you
want to have this conversation. Okay, sorry, I'm sorry. I
(53:34):
just it's been in my mind. Me. Okay, that's fair,
that's fair. What what did bigs we say? Basb What
do you want to you want to say? Say something?
I know that was the movie. Uh, alright, all my
(53:54):
laundryes in my bags, take out. I'm lad we're coming home. Yeah.
I missed you guys very much. It's almost like I
don't know Christmas around here, you know. Yeah, let me
just turn on that old Christmas classic that we all
(54:14):
love so much. Why i I'm dream Why? Well, folks
said didn't make much sense at the end there, But
you know, we all had a good time, and I
(54:36):
hope you got Christmas in your homes, just like Christop
Pringle does and all of us do. And that is
our show. Everybody. Let's uh say ahead to the Alchemists,
see what they're up to. And uh yeah, Chris Alrando,
oh baby, thank you for having me. I mean, you know,
sometimes we just go to Crazy Play podcast and that's
(55:01):
what that's part of the joy of making this up
is going to different worlds and exploring characters and stuff,
you know, and that's just you know, if everybody out
there was listening was wondering, you know, about improvisation and
comedy in general. You know, that's weird doing it. And
don't you have a podcast to plug also? That has
to do with that. I think today I'm just gonna
(55:22):
leave it there, you know what I mean, You're just
gonna leave it right right right there. Broke. Um. I
know Chris has another podcast that he won't plug today,
so I guess listen to other apps. Um. I did
think that you were calling one of the scenes Cole
in the like in the last one, I thought you
had called you, but you called it as a character. Um,
(55:46):
isn't that fun? So that's I guess that's what I'm
plugging um my own confusion. I'm plugging my own confusion.
I am at Jackie Druthe everywhere, everywhere, Console, Fucto, all that,
all that good stuff. Kraik Kikowski, where can they find
you in suck Frog? On suck Frog, I am, uh
(56:09):
just Kakowski. I guess I'm the first Kikowski on there.
I also recently done an episode of six Seasons in
a podcast, which is a community fan podcast about the
television situation comedy community, which I did ten episodes of,
uh like ten years ago, so it was fun trying
to remember what I did. He's James Aney. Ah Well,
(56:33):
I'd like to say check out Brief News Brief. It
is still going as it releases every Tuesday and Thursday.
Brief News Brief dot com is probably the easiest place
to find it, or anywhere you get podcasts. Joey Greer.
Check out the Alchemy This Instagram. It's just Alchemy this
(56:53):
and Alcomy to checking out come on you don't If
you want to follow, follow if you want to comment,
huh yeah, And I'm Cold Stratton. You can find me
at Cold Stratton on Twitter, at Stratton Cole on Instagram.
Go to sssst dot com rent our old shows, hell,
keep us going and keep listening to alchemy this. It's
so much fun. Let's thank our engineer and producer, Doug
(57:17):
Babe and the fine folks at iHeart Media dot com.
Please write to us at your name here at alchemy
this dot com. That's your name here at alchemy this
dot com until next time. Wow, and a football for
(58:04):
Pepper for her
Alchemy This News
Host
Kevin Pollak
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