January 28, 2021 • 56 mins
Oompa Loompa Labor Camp
Out of Control Talk Show Host
Assassin Eliminates Bad Yelp Reviews
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:02):
Welcome back to another episode of Alchemy, this COVID N
one edition. I'm your host, Cool Stratton, so I'm back
in for Kevin Pollock who was doing other things, cost me,
artivist Shelley and no particular order. Let's say hey to
James Heeny, Hey, what's your favorite weird food combo? I
(00:24):
I'd like to put all different kinds of crunchy things
inside of my ramen noodles. So, uh like checks mix,
I'll make ramen noodles, I'll put checks mix in it.
I just feel like it needs a variation because the
noodle itself is like, you know, noodlely. Thanks for find
(00:44):
a way to spice up ramen. Hey, look over there,
it's Chris Alvarado. Hey Chris, what posters did you have
on your bedroom wall? Um? I had a lot of
uh raver flyers, So I had my entire bedroom was
full of yeah flyers for for raves. That's pretty randomly
(01:05):
cool people did people come over just to find that
one on where they were and then left? Well, you
have big stories with them, you know what I mean? Like,
oh this is where I did this, I did that.
It was great, it was great. Great. I think you
should decorate your new place the same way. You know.
They are underground raves going on right now if you
(01:26):
ever wanna hit them right now. Oh never mind, never
mind James yourself. I've never even been to a rave,
and I don't I don't believe this man. This club
is sick. And I'll say hello to Jackie do Ruthie Jackie. Yeah, y'all,
(01:54):
what's your guilty music pleasure? You know, sometimes when I'm down,
I will revisit full in sync albums and you think
that I'd go back to the very beginning, But I've
actually been really into like the Dirty Pop album during quarantine. Yeah,
(02:14):
you got to revisit the albums like you know, like
that they put those songs in that order for a reason.
You have to respect their artistry. You know. Everybody puts
shuffle or they just picked a single in my car.
I only have a physical CDs, I have Bluetooth, I
have the technology, but I like to learn an album
(02:35):
in its order. You can still do that digitally. I
don't know. I don't know. I don't know that same
track order exists for those that are young. C D
stands for Casting directors and last, but not least, it's
Joey Greer. Joey, would you mind reading in a brief
(02:56):
expert of your new novel? Of course? It was Sunday. No,
it was Tuesday. It was Sunday. Outside. It was storming, light, rain,
heavy fog. The only noise I could hear were the
pitter patter of my feet as I walked across my
wet linoleum floor. I was scared. I knew what was
held outside, but I had to hold it in. Could
(03:19):
I embrace it? Was I allowed to? The thought raced
through my head as I traveled over to my couch.
I wasn't wearing pants. I remember that I left him
inside my car six days ago. Was it No? Seven? No? Six?
I remembered that because I wrote it down on the wall.
It wasn't my blood. But whose was it? Amazing? Absolutely amazing.
(03:39):
It's that, guys. You have to check it out. Actually,
I think this is a great idea, jo because that
was really that was really entertaining and done. As I
was closing my eyes to like I was picturing it,
a oh you were there. You were like a fully
improvised audio book. Dude. Seven hours long time? Alright, all right,
(04:05):
here we go let's do a show. All of our
scene suggestions are gathered from listeners, emails, or from our
Patreon v I P. S. To become a Patreon supporter
of the show and enjoy exclusive content and other perks,
just head on over to patreon dot com slash alchemy this.
You'd like to submit a scene suggestion via email, please
write to the podcast at your name here at alchemy
(04:26):
this dot com. That's your name here at alchemy this.
See Number one comes from Patreon v I P. Michael,
who wrote, Hey Alchemists. First off, I would like to
commend cole back when you put the cone on Chris's
character's head so that he would stop slurping on his fingers.
Nice to finally get some positive reinforcements. I believe you
(04:48):
may have lost fifty of your listeners for those horrid sounds.
There's seven of us were pretty upset to just kidding.
I love you guys, Thanks for all the last here's
the scene suggestion. We'll Juanca's chocolate factory gets rated and
exposed as an umpa lumpa labor camp. Michael, did you
hear what happened on the news? I don't watch the news,
(05:13):
oh I read the newspaper. Okay, well did you read
what happened? This is breaking news. You're gonna find out tomorrow.
You gotta you gotta watch TV. If you're only doing
a redded news, you're not gonna be able to know
what's happening right now. Man, Well what is it? Is
it important enough that you're going to interrupt me when
I'm doing my cross square puzzle? Yeah? I am man.
(05:35):
Look look, if I'm seriously though, you gotta watch news
because when news you can only what the news is. Well,
you know, a part of me feels like I should
wait for you to read it tomorrow. If they can,
damn it, I'll turn the guy on. This is fucking bullshit.
On the next episode of The Squirrel and the Man,
(05:58):
are you looking for inspectors? You have free reign of
my candy shop. I think you'll find everything is in order.
M we'll decide that, we'll decide, will decide. That's where
we make the fizzy lifting drinks. Right, Yes? Hey, Hi, Hi,
(06:27):
what's what's going on? Take this change off of me.
I haven't seen my family in weeks. I'm not supposed
to me. I'm not supposed to mess with the product.
I'm here to make sure everything is safe and sound.
Do you have a good day? It wasn't much. It
was those things you were hearing were our new candy,
everlasting gob sobbers that constantly cry and complain about things. Look,
we're not here to criticize your products. We're here to
(06:50):
make sure everything is safe and sound. I understand that,
and I am totally complying this way. This is the
chocolate river stream thing. Check boats come here and go
through that. That gob sobern is following him. Is that's
supposed to happen? Are they supposed to come into the
chocolate area. They're supposed to stay where they are a
(07:12):
gob sobber, Why don't you go back to the gobstopper room? Please?
Maybe I should try it just to the gob sobber
the chocolate. Maybe I should just try trying to product.
Maybe the busy lifting drinks, which the star the chocolate,
busy living. Still you're naming all of them, and I
know you're starving. We're always starting the metabolism starting. It's
(07:43):
up to Mr Walker. I don't have a problem with Well,
what better way to ensure that the product is safe
than to have a professional try it. I mean, all right,
go ahead. Hasn't been tried yet. We're not quite sure
exactly what will happen, but I'm sure it's safe. It's safe.
What I mean, did you your your channel suck? You
(08:05):
don't have any good channels? I mean it should. I
don't know what the fucking channels? All right, I don't.
I don't usually watch the news. Can't you just please
tell me what the news is? That's so important? You
took me from my crossword puzzle. I'm telling you right now,
the importance of watching something more than you know what
I'm saying. Watching. It's just like boss hi buss um um.
(08:28):
Charlie died, Oh my god, on the conveyor belt. He was,
My god, he was he was wrapping the rolls. He died,
Oh my god. Okay, okay, okay, you know how slow
a death that is. That conveyor belt goes so slow.
We watched the whole thing. We were hitting there, but
didn't somebody hit the there's a power cord. You couldn't
(08:50):
have just pulled the power cord. We can't reach it.
We're too small. Oh my god, it's so high up.
You should have saw it. So he was dying slowly,
and we were all standing into the shoulders, but we
kept falling. I think I think I correcked my my
shoulder also looking pretty good for a correct shoulder. Who
(09:10):
else knows? What the hold? What the hell are you're
attacking this guy for? Like city looks pretty good like that,
you're calling him, you're calling him man and both you
guys get into my office and just shut the door
behind you. Okay, this is sick. Man. We got a
dead employee out there. Man's dead. We said that. He
got conveyor belted, said he just said he's dead. Man.
(09:34):
I couldn't have predicted that Stella would turn inside out,
but it's an experimental new candy. Hey, we're not here,
I said before. We're not here to judge your product,
your artistry, and your artistry. We're here, I'm dead. We're
here to make sure everything is safe and sound. What's
behind what's behind that door? That door there? There's nothing
(09:56):
to be seen behind that door, nothing at all. And
to had that, actually I would love to ship because
said there's nothing behind there, nothing behind that door, there's
nothing nothing, no, no, good day. I say, good day, sir,
good day. I mean I got an interior design mind.
(10:16):
So I would love to pop in and see what
we could do with the space. Oh, if you're coming
from that, mine said, please please do Okay, let's just
hope this. The first thing I would do is I
get rid of all these uh right, and then you
(10:38):
know what you could do? Oh, this is this is great.
So you got low hanging ceiling, all right, you got
low hanging ceiling here. So I don't want to put
a chandelier, right, but we'll be anything all on the
roof here, right, you know what I'm saying. On the ceiling,
and I can just go all the way to the end.
We can have a mirror at the back end there, right,
give a kind of an infinity. Look, we can we
(11:00):
shut these guys up. I'm trying. I'm trying to tell
some guy in material design notes here. Alright, alright, let's
take a look at the calendar. What we got going
on today? There's a guy who's dead. Man trying to
stop looking at the name. Charlie is dead. Okay, Well
I haven't seen the body, and I don't want to
(11:21):
see the body. But listen, today's you're a dead denier.
I'm just saying that maybe this is a private company
and this is fucking nuts. Man, every time this is
now we got a dead denier here, who's running the show? Man?
How how are how are we supposed to know what's
going on? We got dead denier running the show? You
(11:41):
know what? Because he reads the newspaper, he doesn't watch it.
That's from the Squirrel and the Man, Janis, have you
heard about this thing? It's crazy? Oh ridded? Have you
heard about that? Have you looked at that up? I have,
(12:03):
I've looked it up. I don't understand it. I simply
don't understand it. Shannon. You know it's so crazy because
I had gone in the computer because I originally wanted
to look up you know what's John Travolta up to?
I miss? I want to make sure he's well. And
it's just the first answer led me to reddit dot com.
(12:23):
Reddit dot com and it's just a buttload of answers
and it's just so much information. But it's all very
very um reliable. It comes for everybody. So how could
it not be true? You know? I stumbled upon that
site when I typed into asked Jeeves, how do you
stop us to flay from caving? In and did you
(12:48):
find out? I'm sure you did. I did. I did
um because Red it's the best s. I'm sort of waking.
We just got a question of Asked Jeeves, we're back.
What did you say? I didn't realize that you'd have
to add in a bond Marie and and and that's incredible,
(13:10):
But I had no idea. I had no idea. And
then that led me down to something called the dark web.
I didn't understand it when I went there. Well, Jane's
did you understand? Okay? Great, We got all the board
members here for Ask Jeeves. We just want to say
thank you, and my god, I can't believe your numbers
still work. I thought we got to update that, but uh,
I just want to I just want to let everyone
(13:32):
know what's going on here. We just had somebody use
ask Jeeves, and we think the numbers are going to
start to rise again. As a matter of fact, if
I may coffees on us today, yes we're coffee. It's
not us, So I help yourselves to celebration. Feels good?
Do you hear that? Ask Jesus back? Everybody here. We
can reopen lycos we can do it. We can't do it.
(13:56):
Oh my god, Oh my god, this is fantastic. It's
like a search engine elissance. Uh. Now, Mr Wonka, I
gotta say you have a wonderful I'm bad, uh facility.
I think we're just about on our way out now,
if you, if you wouldn't mind, can we speak to
(14:18):
one or two of your employees just a couple of
quick questions and we'll be out of your hair. We
had a list here. Charlie is Charlie Charlie. Oh, Mr Wonka,
it seems like you've got some visitors here. Um, can
I just can I just have a quick moment with you?
Out of your shot of I don't know who these
(14:39):
people are. These are the inspectors. If you just give
me a moment, I'd like to speak with my colleague
for a second. Here. You would pay a white Charlie's debt.
There's about to be a mutanty with the loops. You
gotta call this investigation or inspection, whatever the hell it is.
You gotta get them out of here. Yeah, it would
(14:59):
be used to be able to do that, but I
don't have the ability to do that. I have to
get through with them things. So why don't you do
your fucking job, quisin Berry, and keep them at bay.
So how about we just don't let him into the
conveyor belt room, because let's just be honest, there's raspberry
jelly everywhere and there. Keep them away from that. Hey, Bob,
(15:22):
I just want to say, Oh, this is what I
was gonna say. A chair there, a ruggy here, you
know that would have pop this room. I love your
can we can we move over here? Then? Goddamn gum.
I love your eye. You have a guy I have
been designed. But I also well, I also love your eyes,
(15:43):
you know what I mean. Look, I've given most of
my organs away, but if you want my eyes, I'll
put that in my will. Is that too much sense?
Not at all? Not at all. Look, I really do
believe it in a minority report. God damn it, quisin Berry.
We got through the inspectors, but you and ahead and
submitted this. You broke the story yourself. Uh. I thought
(16:06):
that that was probably the best way, because we can
control the pr You don't have to get ahead of
something if it's not gonna come out. We got past
the inspectors. You've dumb now here at Man in the Squirrel,
we are very proud of our work and we are
very much appreciated of all sponsorships to keep the show going,
but we will sever ties with Willy Wonka's chocolate factory
(16:29):
based upon the now here at Reddit, we let the
world tell us what's up, but we will have to
withhold any information regarding Willy Wonka and this chocolate factory
after this news has broken about what is going on
behind doors. I'm spokesman for Reddit. Have a good day.
(16:49):
See krisin Burry. It's it's going everywhere. We run a
buzz feed list of fifty fu things going on in
the chocolate factory. This is you, man. You didn't have
to do this, all right? Well, if you want my resignation,
you can have it. What are you gonna do? Have
another contest? Bring another person in here. I think you
should spend some time in the gun drop forest. There's
(17:12):
no easy way, have no what will happen to Quisin Bear.
I could just resign, I could just walk away. I
could just walk away from I don't think so. I
don't think so. Quisin Barry. You've made your bed and
I lie in it. William, Well, we're like family. I
(17:33):
knew it was you Fredo getting the Fu Chocolate River. Okay, sure,
So why are you willing to go in there? You're
willing to go in there? I don't know if I
have a choice, am I gonna have? I would rather
just walk out at this place in one piece. But
(17:56):
everybody else, we're here to break these motherfucker's here. Come
on down, because it Mary, I was testing you. You
had won. The chocolate factory was yours and leading out.
(18:16):
Oh god, oh god, you're break. Don't let them go.
So I was actually on Bing and I asked it.
You know, I wanted to know what's going on at
the Willy Wonka Factor. What's going on there? Because I'm
hearing a lot of dark stuff, but I also can't
find it. Damn it? Someone chusing Being? I thought we'd
(18:38):
shut that down. Listen to me. I don't want any
programmers working on Being. Do you hear me? Uh? What's
gonna happen to my job? It's like my number, It's
like the only thing I do. It's like so awkward.
Or also because Mary, all of you buloop as I
set up with jobs at Bing. This whole thing was
(18:59):
just a test for you, and it went ship. You
killed we're supposed to be the home with me and
(19:19):
oh and that's our first scene. Nice and family oriented.
See number two is from Daniel Tanner, who wrote, Hello
all you wonderful folks. I want to keep this short,
(19:40):
but still kiss your asses. You're all doing great during
this plague and only getting better. Suggestion talk show host
gets out of control with love Danny from Saskatchewan, Canada.
Next Tuesday, from new episodes of Man in the Squirrel
and now back to Hagin. Alright, Uh, we're gonna We're
(20:05):
gonna go a little off script in the show today.
I've got some pretty unusual guests. What's he doing? Oh
and I'd like to uh inside of this pentagram my
own blood? What open up at door? Don't cut away?
(20:27):
This might be good door way to hell? And I
need everybody in the studio audience to gather hands and
repeat after me, do it? Do it an actual CONFI
(20:47):
you're a p a here. Do you want to climb
up this ladder? Yeah? And say it? Okay? Is that
I don't know if that's right? Well? Did the doorway
to hell? Open up and taken take a look. I'm
really carry here. You can't do everything. And now we
just wait for one demon to come out, and we're
going to interview him about the world of hell. Okay, okay,
(21:23):
I'm sure that this is there's gonna be a demon
that comes through. Big fan of your show, I've washed
it for years from down there. I tell you, those
commercial breaks are worse than hell. All right, So we've
(21:47):
I I owed an in for the big guy downstairs,
and I said that I bring you guys up to
do a little bit of Well, you're guesting. So what
I'm this is good? Okay, this is good. Hank is
out of control. Look, look just rule. Okay, once it
(22:11):
gets too far, we'll cut the feet. But right now,
demons drink water? Should I get a good water? You're okay?
All right? Long pause? Hank? Is there a question coming? Oh?
I was just here's the question that we are all
waiting for. Is is how all it is made up
(22:32):
to be? Do we want to go down there? Or
do you think we'd probably be better off on the
high and narrow road. Oh? You don't want to go
down there? Drust me on that. As someone who's spent
my entire life there, imagine getting Rick rolled for fucking eternity.
That's what it's like, What do you mean I fucking
got bumped for a demon? Just going on the show today,
(22:57):
right and waste my fucking time today, right this, Lawrence? No,
you did not. All right, You're gonna be on in
the Joey Lawrence's wife. Do you know how fucking important
I am, Mr Lawrence. We do. Yes, That's why we
wanted you to be here. We really enjoy you. We
really wanted you to come on there and talk about
your new rugs. Were supposed to talk about new rugs,
do a quick cooking section. I mean, let's get real,
(23:18):
I don't have all day, so um on the camera
after the next commercial break, I'm gonna lose my fucking
shita at right now, and I'm gonna lose it. Mrs Lawrence.
We're actually talking to several demons and on the sixth
level of hell, so several demons now, so now I'm
getting bumped for several demons. It's kind of like a hydro.
They all embodied the same you know, physical form, but
(23:40):
they have just different personalities. So it's it's it's a
really hard and complex understands beyond our understanding. But Hank
loves you. He really wants you here, he does he
because it doesn't feel like it when I was supposed
to be on ten minutes ago, and I'm still in
my shitty green room by the way, Okay, shitty green
room by M and mcs are peanut, it's too hard
(24:02):
for my teeth. Well, we do have a spoor hank.
I heard that I bumped Joey Lawrence's wife, and all
I can say is whoa. I mean, yes you did. Honestly,
We're gonna change the format of this show. I've been
spending a lot of time sucking on the teet of
(24:25):
pop culture and instead I want to be a change
in the world. Are you're saying you don't like it
down in Hell? I know? But am I gonna have
time to talk about my book? Or you gonna go
to break or what the funk? Man? You know you've
got our attention. What is the book? Oh? You guys
are going to be excited to read this book? All right?
It's uh, it's actually a ghost written autobiography on Kenny Rodgers.
(24:50):
I love the guy I always have, Uh, but you
know he's not in Hell because that guy put out
some him. I'm like, am I gonna keep wronging, yes,
just keep wrong, just keeping I have so many waters,
just in case, just in case he gets I don't know,
So I'm ready with waters straws. He s wearing lipstick. Yeah,
(25:13):
I mean, I don't know. I stopped watching The Hank
a while ago. It's just like, I don't know. You
have all these funny segments of characters and stuff. But
once he started breaking the portal into hell, I just
was like, that's too much, you know, just too much
for me. So I just started rick. I mean, it's like, yeah,
I get it. You were in the Hank Early. We
(25:33):
all fucking no, you found Hank Early. Okay, we get that,
but now you turn it on it just because it
got popular. Alright, alright, lets don't jump down his throat.
Let's get the guy a chance. So what's what's the
what's the next show? What's the next hot thing? No? No,
I'm reading right now. I'm reading. Okay, yeah, right, I
am pretty all right. That's the alkamaniacs. Read it all right.
(26:01):
You can't read. Can't read, you can't read. You've always
been such a dick. You're the guy that when you
had at Bob's anniversary party, we started talking about squirrel
in the Man because it's the best show on television.
Like I don't even own a TV. Which is the
best show. It's like, watch it without the Laft track,
Watch it without the Laft track. It's that's it's made
(26:23):
to be fun. Yea, Why are you such as why
are you so against fun? It's just you know, the
concept is brilliant. We can all agree on that. Okay,
there's a man who has the ability to hear and
talk to squirrels and then go on adventure has ever
been made? Watch Blackadder? If you really want to watch
(26:43):
a good show, all right, watch black Squirrels in it
do it's the favor Read read that for us? Okay
something Oh my gosh, I never do this, but your
hank from hankerund right, yeah, yes, I am. Can I
(27:04):
get a picture with you? I mean, if you take
a picture of me, everybody can know that I'm thankful.
It'll be so subtle, like all right, okay, thank you
so much. Okay, can you look like happy? Huh? Can
you look happy for the picture? Hey, hey, guys, sacrifice
(27:30):
my kids. Man, I love you. You made a good call.
You made a good call. Go to hell, Go to
hell uh so if you don't want the picture of
this smile, you're gonna get anything better. What do you
want from me? Um? Then I'll take this on. Yeah, thanks,
thanks so much. I know I just talked to Best
(27:52):
the Best Man. That guys, it's Squirky Day squirrels. Squaky
Jay squirrels over there, so squirk Jay. We love the
show man. Suky the Best Man the Best Say, can
I get a picture? Okay? Just go really close down
(28:14):
on my shoulder. I'm like, oh, scuky really hurts. It's
not It's actually really all right. We got a hard
decision to make. I mean, we have to stop. Just stop,
(28:37):
just stop for a second. Guy, damon, listen. You never
see stop, will you just listen? Okay, we got a
hard decision to make, all right, stopping, We got a
hard decision to make. Yeah, we do your a A.
I thought it, maybe, like, what's the decision? Help with
the decision, that's that's your question. But eating and a bedding. Hell,
(29:03):
but our ratings are through the roof, I know. Okay.
In the first I couldn't get enough. All right. I
saw those ratings come in and all I could think
of was New Audi, New or less. Dude, you slutter
your whole fucking family. Dude, I know which is cool?
Which is cool? I love to read an expert. If
you got a minute or two on the show, we
(29:26):
have eternity. Great. It was raining outside and uh, I
didn't know where my pants were, so I went to
my couch. It was damp out, that's for sure. It
goes on and on from there. I wasn't rolling. Should
I have been rolling? No? No, God damnit. He's been
saying the same thing. Look, I think we're being like
(29:49):
and we're gonna put in a trance, you know. I mean,
I think they're saying this, should like put a spell
on us. It's the same expert over and over here.
I've actually been I've been here the whole time as waters.
I'm sorry, I had them all. Can you get some waters?
(30:11):
Oh I got there? Sorry, Yeah, get some waters. Hey,
thanks for coming into the network office. Oh okay, we
like it. What we like it, Thank the dad, and yeah,
we're gonna add to it. You're gonna add to it
(30:34):
a co host? Wait a second, I don't do co hosts.
I'm hanging. This is no by show. This is my
own personal health squirreling mc squirrel, Am I really? Hi? Um?
(31:02):
I just wanted to let you guys know, as a
network executives, I'm done here. I'm cutting all ties with
your stupid fucking network. Whose blood do I need to
suck to get on this TV? That squirrel, that joke
of a squirrel. That squirrel killed three people the other
day at Grassis Madre at a vegan fucking restaurant. Well,
(31:23):
we didn't see it, so we don't know. We didn't
see it. Yeah, we gotta we gotta see it. It's
not add whatever. When my husband finds out that not
only did you don't don't don't don't, don't, don't don't know,
you don't need to tell you know, I'm gonna tell Joey.
If you don't think, I'm gonna tell joe you're working
out of your mind. He's only gotten stronger. He's only
(31:47):
gotten after during his muscles have gotten so big. And
you thought he was good to Melissa and Joey. Just wait,
the older he gets, the stronger he gets. Wait, how's
that possible? I mean, I get it, he's got a
co host. I'm just telling you right now, there's better
books out there. Than there's TV. In fact, it can't
(32:11):
be true. I'm telling you right now. He doesn't even
know what the squirrel is saying at the time. Yeah,
that's the beauty of it. Such a dick when it
comes to squaky squirrel. Right. I know you don't like
the show, but it is the greatest show that has
ever been made. Everybody indoctrinated, like you're being put on
a spell or some ship. It's not good, man, it's
(32:32):
really not. You know what's good? This book right here?
But what are you reading? I'm reading Why Won't the
Paint Dry? By R. L. Stein? It's really really good,
all right, fucking you know what? You know what? Hey,
maybe we're being too hard. We're being too hard on it,
all right? What what read us a section? Okay, let's
(32:53):
say this, read us a section? I am says this
is not Squirrels can't read squirrels and human costumes. No ship,
he can't read. That's why there, that's where the show sucks.
(33:13):
His face is like slipping off. Dude, Wait a second,
we knew it. You're a fucking squirrel. You're a squirrel, guys.
I brought the waters. But also when he has to
go get the waters. There's a guy. He's really really strong.
(33:34):
I think it's Joe Lawrence, but I haven't seen him
in so long. He's trying to see. Yeah, he doesn't
care that the red light is going, he doesn't care
that we are recording right now. He wants to get
in this studio. All right, Hey, do you want to
move up? Do you want to move up to assistant? Yes? Wait, no,
I'm already an assistant, right, but that's what is personal
(33:58):
assistant US assistant. Get rid of the move up. I
thought I would move up to be like props master
or someone. I thought, no, no, no, it's just my
personal Do you think you could be a master of props?
I thought so? Yeah, I mean it takes years to
(34:21):
become a master. You could be my apprentice of props
and I could teach you. Well, it's not exactly the
word assistant. In fact, it actually infers more learning. Yeah,
I'll be an apprentice. Um, apprentice of props seems like
a safer gig. Anyways, so we can get dicey. Believe
(34:43):
you me? Do I need to wear a cape? Okay?
So Mr Lawrence, yes, okay, we understand you're upset and
we're gonna let you on right now with with Hank.
But you're saying that you yourself you are Satan. That
seems a little far fetched, alright, go on, Oh my god,
(35:08):
oh my Joey Lawrence. Shut up, squirrel. Let's give a
round of applause to my favorite and honestly help her
to start this show. My dear Satan, Mr roy Um,
(35:30):
thanks for joining me in my talk show. Your bones
are kind of moving the wrong direction. I think he's
about to shed its human skin, is the only The
only issue is you didn't bring a single prop during
(35:51):
the whole segment. There was plenty opportunity, right, but I
brought water and the last time that's what you asked for,
So I thought that you still want it personal assistant anymore.
You think it's production assistant. I think it's a production assistant.
Just give me one second. You're not persistant a personal assistant.
(36:12):
If you can't assist me, you certainly can't assist the production.
And if you can't assist the prop master, I don't
know what to tell you. Well, I'm actually not I'm
actually not assisting the prop master. I'm actually apprenticing the
prop prop master. I'm actually the prop apprentice. So I
think you need to give me a little more respect.
I'm sorry, did you want to water? I can get
a water or something I would love, and if you
can make it sparkling, that would be wonderful. That's going
(36:34):
to be nearly impossible. No flavor. If there's even a
hint of lime, I'm going to flip. Okay, I'd argue
that's going to kiss off the master, you know. I'd
argue that, like, you know, sparkling, there's a flavor, you know,
to end on a water. Number three is from Patreon.
(37:02):
Alcmaniac Duckie, an assassin is hired to eliminate bad YELP reviewers.
That was mc nail and that food showed up room
temperature at best. My wife said it was cold. I
said it was frigid. Frigid. Sorry, my wife said it
(37:24):
was frigid cold. Unsatisfied. One star. I wish we could
do zero stars. Good job, baby, Oh my god, that
makes me so fucking hot. Assholds are gonna regret treating
us like, yeah they are, You're the fucking king. You
told them, I did you know what? That's the house
(37:47):
there now? Intel says that there's two people using the
single account, So they're both combining for an equal amount
of distasteful comments on any kind of food distribution place
or a restaurant. And some people call it what I do,
call it a food distribution place, but you know you
can call it. I mean, restaurants are probably the preferred nomenclature,
(38:07):
but food distribution places what I what I call it,
And that's that's my thing. Now, copy do you want
to to uh like clear head shots or do you
want to make it look like a computer accident. Why
don't you make it look like a computer accident. We're
we're not trying to bring attention to us, all right.
That's gonna require me to get in pretty close food
(38:28):
distribution places. What I say, though, it's not a restaurant,
I mean, it is a restaurant. I just well, my
point is what I I'm saying. It is a restaurant.
I'm the reviewing a restaurant. You know that, right? Yes,
I understand, sir, But I say food distribution place. I didn't.
I didn't misspeak. Okay, that's what I That's what I say.
You know that. You know me, right, You know me, sir?
(38:50):
Sorry me for thirty years did you hear what happened
to April and ten? Can you can you just can
you give me my space ball? Working? Oh? Sorry? But
did you hear what happened to April and Ken? No?
I didn't. I didn't. I have to talk close because
(39:12):
it is a secret. What happened? What are you talking about?
Oh my god? Please let me work? Did you hear
what happened with April and ten? No? Okay, so they died?
But via like some computer act like you sound so
happy excited. It's well, it's extingu I like I like,
(39:37):
I like thrive on gossip. I throw this. This is
a dead case. You know, I say dead kids, you
mean murder? Right to take a quick break this morning,
I got bad news to share. Well, should we get
(39:58):
on her knees? I guess if you feel I don't
know if you know what? Okay, go ahead and get
on your knees, sir. We'd like a clear choice, should
we or not? Like you tell us what's going on?
I would see just sitting in your desk chair is fine.
But if you feel I don't know what I'm about
to announce, I'm sorry. Like rich always makes us take
our rich. We understand you play quarterback in high school.
(40:21):
You could have been somebody we do. We get that,
but you don't need to bring it into the workplace. Okay,
all right, okay, well you guys might all notice that.
I'm sorry, are we? Are we sitting in the chair?
Are we? However, you want to take some shocking, jaw dropping,
(40:42):
soul wrenching news. I can't go in the window. Don't
do it. Why are you smiling? Why are you smiling?
I don't. I mean, that's like the most exciting it's
happened in this office. It's working here. I hate it,
but it's exciting. All right, huddle up, huddle up. We
(41:02):
can't huddle up on this. We just lost the employee
out the window. But the game's still going. What are
you talking about the game? We're still in office. How
to deal with this? Call the play? Call the play?
What are we gonna do? Alright? Alright? I said, we
listen to I said, we listen to boss's announcements. And
then uh and then uh, I'm so sorry. I kind
(41:23):
of hold on, Wait, what was what was your news?
Ken died? He said, that's why he's not here this morning.
It's why you know, it's just it's just cool to
know things ahead of time. It's not cool that he's dead.
Nine one, How can I help you? What am my
employees just jumped out of the window. I don't know
(41:44):
for sure. It's a long way down. I'm not sure
if he's okay or not. And I could take the elevator,
but I wanted to report it before I went down there,
just in case he's not a lot I don't know.
Just before I process this car, I would like to
do a little survey for you. Um, what do you
think of him Bloopo candies? I haven't I haven't tried them,
but I like everything out of the Wonka factory so far.
(42:06):
So what's this I have? If it's just gonna be
just doing a customers survey, We're just doing the customers
survey on some products. That one one like the emergency
line right? This is yeah? Okay? Have you seen that
Squirreling the Man? Nope, I don't watch much TV. You
haven't seen Squirreling the Man. I have not seen Squirrel
in the Man. You haven't seen this episode. I have
(42:28):
not seen any episodes of Squirrel the Matter. I'm gonna
transfer you to UH to my manager just about this transfer.
But do you like entertainment? I mean, who doesn't like
to be entertained? You know what I mean? I mean,
of course I like entertainment. On the scale of one
to five, one being you like entertainment, five you love entertainment?
You fall four? Four? Very nice? Great. So if it's
(42:52):
a Saturday afternoon, you have your choice of reading newspaper
or watching something on television. What are you gonna do?
I'm probably sit down to a good book and have
have some So did you hear that? Actually he probably
would have lived if the E M T s had
gotten here sooner, but it took so long. I'm just
(43:14):
trying to enjoy the funeral. OA. Sorry please, um hi,
this is the Assassin yelp Assassins Incorporated? Is that correct? Yes?
Yes it is? Uh sorry, I to see the front
desk here. I don't know if parking was difficult. I'm
a little flustered. Look, um, I owned Piz's Burgers. I've
(43:36):
called in with a lot of bad reviews. I'm I'm
a member here, I pay my dues, and yet somehow
these reviews keep popping up and no one, Yeah, here's
the here's the problem. Um, we will. Of course, our
whole thing is that we will assassinate people who leave
bad Yelk reviews unless they're warranted. And your burgers are terrible. Wow,
(44:04):
we received all of your calls, all of your emails.
You've seen it all. But you know, I like, we
had a luncheon last Thursday where I bought Peetsburgher's for
all of the various killers and assassins here, and every
single one of them said that the patties were overcooked,
the cheese was Maybe I should get out of the
food distribution service and maybe I should start my own company,
(44:27):
assassins to assassinate assassins. Mhmm. Yeah, Well previously I worked
as ah well, I wouldn't call it a job per se,
but I did have a gun. I have held a gun. Okay,
can you pull the trigger? I mean, I don't know,
(44:49):
you know, I'm gonna be I want to be I
want to be honest in the interview. So okay, I
don't know if you're right for the Yelp assassins, but
I do hear the there's like an assassin's of assassins,
and it's like a little bit of like a shottier
situation and they might take you. So I'm not good
enough to kill yelped people, but I'm good enough to
(45:10):
kill a sassin. Oh yeah, I'll definitely take that. I'll
take a look to see. They don't trust their business models,
so I'm gonna look. Hey, buddy, came to the right place.
She said, we're shottier, right, shots fire my man hold
his gun? Oh god, oh god? You all right? That
was a good shot, dude. That was a good shot
(45:33):
that went through and through. Can you start tomorrow? Actually,
I gotta finish some stuff, but all right, all right, sir,
you're you're you're looking for assassin's Creed. Uh, this is
the Creed assassins. We are, what like, slowly slowly hunting
(45:53):
down the bad band Creed and taking your vengeance for
what happened in music us. Since Creed is a video game,
it's not a thing. Are you sure? Because I was
told that it was well you were told Rocks, sir.
I mean the way they said it. It sounded like
that's how they said it, So I gotta trust. I
(46:14):
mean the guy who told me, I mean that's how
he said it, so I know him. And he said,
assassin screen is what I gotta go after. So, I mean,
you know popular populist series, not a I mean marthy,
you're cracking up. What what's what's the what's the hotest?
Go You're like dying. I know it's like some silly
you might have to be in your cup. Yeah, I
(46:36):
do mind, I do mind. Just go to the water.
Cool like you are, capables, cozy. It's cozy in here.
You've got the space here. I haven't have good interior design.
What do you want to do? Family? Gorgeous families? Thank you,
your children beautiful, Please don't look at my children. Nobody
(46:57):
talks around me, and he moves. I'm sitting here with
beautiful water to consume, both cold and hot. If you
want to make tea. When nobody talks around me, it's
because everything gets dropped. There's no weekly watching and everything's
just going on. And I'm wonderful. Office. You're telling me
you think anyone's coming to the coffee machine anymore. Everyone's
(47:21):
going out getting their stop bucks, getting there, Get it down, kids,
facts of machine here. I haven't been fundled in years.
Oh what I would do for a little fundling. Let's
they shouldn't have put you in the break room facts
(47:43):
machine doesn't seem like the best place for you. You're forgotten.
You probably got put here because you're always so inappropriate.
Stop talking about fondling in the world. Put a button
in my butt hole, please put every ain't the same thing.
(48:03):
Someone's coming, Someone's going, hey, I hear you, guys, like Hey,
I'm working in the other room, and you guys are
so fucking loud. Of course I can hear you, but
nobody else in this damn office seems to be able
to hear you, the crazy one, Luke, and I talked
to you for a second. Well, let me just finish
(48:23):
so you can shut Peter. I think you should go home. Alright,
you're screaming out appliances. Alright, buddy. So I heard that
Luke lost his fucking mind. What God fired? Well put
on like mentally, but he couldn't handle it. So he
(48:45):
threw himself down the stairs like somebody in like a
fucking soap opera trying to get rid of their baby.
And he didn't even die, He just broke his neck.
Crazy Who brought the fucking water cooler next year in
your cubicle? There? Ted? I don't know it just moved
(49:07):
over here. I have no idea. I thought it was
a fucking prank. I've been trying to move it, but
every time I go to okay, so back, so they
just moving now? All right, well, let me walk up
here and grab this coffee maker. Look it just moving now.
It was just moving now. Machine? Yeah, what are you doing?
(49:29):
What are you? The one man? Sean? Can I talk
to you for a second? What's up? Dude? Well? I
mean you were just humping the hell out of that
fashion machine and then you were grinding on that coffee maker.
Maybe you should maybe you should take some time off.
You'd like that, onen't you. You know I went through
(49:50):
a pass for thirty seven yards, dude, h thirty seven yards.
That's not that far, that's not that okay? This this
guy all right? Yeah, you know it's like a standard
throat yelp for my job, one star. I feel like
(50:13):
everython is going crazy in my office, and I might
have been the first one to lose my mind. I
can't stop smiling when it comes to tragedy and everyone
else is throwing themselves downstairs outside of windows. People are
fucking facts machines. I gotta I got a clear shot.
(50:35):
If you want to give me to go ahead, I
feel like jumping on the channel here, food distribution place.
What are you guys thinking about that same thing as restaurant?
Am all right? Correct? M okay, there's someone else on
the channel right. I'm writing this because I wanted to,
(50:57):
and I thought there were three of us. I'm trying to.
I'm trying to. If you have a clear shot, take it,
take it bus. Do you want a head shot or
do you want to make it look like her phone
killed her? Believe I'll run that up the ladder phone.
I call those uh, actually I don't know what I
(51:19):
call them. I haven't I haven't really decided. The food
distribution place, that's what I call a restaurant. You go ahead,
take that shot, Take the shot. Water spilling out everywhere,
water shooting. Look, I'll find a new job sometime, okay,
(51:50):
but I just need some time to decompress. I was
working in a crazy environment. Just just please give me
some time. Okay. I don't know what I want to do.
I don't know what you want to do. Well, all right,
your mom and I don't want you staying here anymore, Okay,
Like it's time to grow all the way up. And
get a real job. You to grow all the whill Okay, yeah,
(52:12):
they grow all the whilling. You're You're no, I'm trying
to communicate with our young son. Wow, Hank sounds terrible.
I mean, you can't let your home life affect what
you do on the talk show. Okay, things got to
stay pretty straightforward, all right. Well, if if my home
(52:34):
life is hell, I want to bring it to the job. Okay,
I don't think you should do that. I mean, we're
getting pretty good ratings the way it is right now.
I think what this show needs is a one way portal,
well really two way portal to hell. So I want
you to get me some of that goats blood for
today's episode. I'll have to ask the prop master is
you know he's pretty grandiose and everything he does. You
(52:58):
can't slip this one around me work with somebody else.
I wish I could. Ma'ma, there's a chain here, and
I gotta go up. I'm actually the prop master now.
Um turns out there were like assassins that I could hire,
and they're pretty good. The ones that I hired. Not
all of them are great, But I looked at the
yelper views and I picked the ones at the highest stars.
(53:21):
What can I get you? Water or props? Prop prop water,
not real water, prop water and that funny water. That's
the rule all the way up. That was beautiful. All right, Well,
let's thank you to our alchemist. See what they're up to,
Joey Greer. Just check out Alchemy. This is Instagram. We're
(53:44):
doing live stuff there. If you want to see nothing
that I'm posting, you can check out God Bless Jim Chum.
That's that's my personal account. But check out Alchemy this Instagram.
James eeny Uh go ahead and um. On Wednesday nights,
eight pm Pacific Standard time, there's a Bear Supply live
(54:06):
stream show. Che check it out Twitch dot Tv, slash
bs Comedy. Nice Jackie Ruthy, Hey guys, thanks for having me.
Nice to meet you, Cole um. It's really fun. And um,
I'm at Jackie Ruthy on Instagram and other things and
I feel like that's real good. That's where you get
the info. Nice. Oh yeah, at Chris Albroado Instagram. Cole dude,
(54:32):
so much fun to have you, so much fun? Are you?
Are you back then soon? Yeah? I believe next session. Yep,
it's always fun. Always fun to be doing this. Kids
who find they can find me at at Cole Stratton
or at Stratton Cole, depending on the service. Go to
s S sketch Fest dot com doing a giant fundraising
show on January thirty, five pm Pacific, eight pm Eastern.
(54:56):
Hundred plus performers, giant people in the world of comedy
that grown all the way up, So definitely come check
that out. Trust me, the lineup is insanity and you'll
be glad you did. It'll be helping our festival so
we can do it again in the future. All right,
let's have a big thanks to our engineer and producer,
Doug Name and the fine folks at I heeart Media
(55:19):
dot com. Don't don't don't please write to us at
your name here at alchemy this dot com. That's your
name here at alchemy this dot com Until next time.
(55:40):
I thought it was doing better at
Welcome back to another episode of Alchemy, this COVID N
one edition. I'm your host, Cool Stratton, so I'm back
in for Kevin Pollock who was doing other things, cost me,
artivist Shelley and no particular order. Let's say hey to
James Heeny, Hey, what's your favorite weird food combo? I
(00:24):
I'd like to put all different kinds of crunchy things
inside of my ramen noodles. So, uh like checks mix,
I'll make ramen noodles, I'll put checks mix in it.
I just feel like it needs a variation because the
noodle itself is like, you know, noodlely. Thanks for find
(00:44):
a way to spice up ramen. Hey, look over there,
it's Chris Alvarado. Hey Chris, what posters did you have
on your bedroom wall? Um? I had a lot of
uh raver flyers, So I had my entire bedroom was
full of yeah flyers for for raves. That's pretty randomly
(01:05):
cool people did people come over just to find that
one on where they were and then left? Well, you
have big stories with them, you know what I mean? Like,
oh this is where I did this, I did that.
It was great, it was great. Great. I think you
should decorate your new place the same way. You know.
They are underground raves going on right now if you
(01:26):
ever wanna hit them right now. Oh never mind, never
mind James yourself. I've never even been to a rave,
and I don't I don't believe this man. This club
is sick. And I'll say hello to Jackie do Ruthie Jackie. Yeah, y'all,
(01:54):
what's your guilty music pleasure? You know, sometimes when I'm down,
I will revisit full in sync albums and you think
that I'd go back to the very beginning, But I've
actually been really into like the Dirty Pop album during quarantine. Yeah,
(02:14):
you got to revisit the albums like you know, like
that they put those songs in that order for a reason.
You have to respect their artistry. You know. Everybody puts
shuffle or they just picked a single in my car.
I only have a physical CDs, I have Bluetooth, I
have the technology, but I like to learn an album
(02:35):
in its order. You can still do that digitally. I
don't know. I don't know. I don't know that same
track order exists for those that are young. C D
stands for Casting directors and last, but not least, it's
Joey Greer. Joey, would you mind reading in a brief
(02:56):
expert of your new novel? Of course? It was Sunday. No,
it was Tuesday. It was Sunday. Outside. It was storming, light, rain,
heavy fog. The only noise I could hear were the
pitter patter of my feet as I walked across my
wet linoleum floor. I was scared. I knew what was
held outside, but I had to hold it in. Could
(03:19):
I embrace it? Was I allowed to? The thought raced
through my head as I traveled over to my couch.
I wasn't wearing pants. I remember that I left him
inside my car six days ago. Was it No? Seven? No? Six?
I remembered that because I wrote it down on the wall.
It wasn't my blood. But whose was it? Amazing? Absolutely amazing.
(03:39):
It's that, guys. You have to check it out. Actually,
I think this is a great idea, jo because that
was really that was really entertaining and done. As I
was closing my eyes to like I was picturing it,
a oh you were there. You were like a fully
improvised audio book. Dude. Seven hours long time? Alright, all right,
(04:05):
here we go let's do a show. All of our
scene suggestions are gathered from listeners, emails, or from our
Patreon v I P. S. To become a Patreon supporter
of the show and enjoy exclusive content and other perks,
just head on over to patreon dot com slash alchemy this.
You'd like to submit a scene suggestion via email, please
write to the podcast at your name here at alchemy
(04:26):
this dot com. That's your name here at alchemy this.
See Number one comes from Patreon v I P. Michael,
who wrote, Hey Alchemists. First off, I would like to
commend cole back when you put the cone on Chris's
character's head so that he would stop slurping on his fingers.
Nice to finally get some positive reinforcements. I believe you
(04:48):
may have lost fifty of your listeners for those horrid sounds.
There's seven of us were pretty upset to just kidding.
I love you guys, Thanks for all the last here's
the scene suggestion. We'll Juanca's chocolate factory gets rated and
exposed as an umpa lumpa labor camp. Michael, did you
hear what happened on the news? I don't watch the news,
(05:13):
oh I read the newspaper. Okay, well did you read
what happened? This is breaking news. You're gonna find out tomorrow.
You gotta you gotta watch TV. If you're only doing
a redded news, you're not gonna be able to know
what's happening right now. Man, Well what is it? Is
it important enough that you're going to interrupt me when
I'm doing my cross square puzzle? Yeah? I am man.
(05:35):
Look look, if I'm seriously though, you gotta watch news
because when news you can only what the news is. Well,
you know, a part of me feels like I should
wait for you to read it tomorrow. If they can,
damn it, I'll turn the guy on. This is fucking bullshit.
On the next episode of The Squirrel and the Man,
(05:58):
are you looking for inspectors? You have free reign of
my candy shop. I think you'll find everything is in order.
M we'll decide that, we'll decide, will decide. That's where
we make the fizzy lifting drinks. Right, Yes? Hey, Hi, Hi,
(06:27):
what's what's going on? Take this change off of me.
I haven't seen my family in weeks. I'm not supposed
to me. I'm not supposed to mess with the product.
I'm here to make sure everything is safe and sound.
Do you have a good day? It wasn't much. It
was those things you were hearing were our new candy,
everlasting gob sobbers that constantly cry and complain about things. Look,
we're not here to criticize your products. We're here to
(06:50):
make sure everything is safe and sound. I understand that,
and I am totally complying this way. This is the
chocolate river stream thing. Check boats come here and go
through that. That gob sobern is following him. Is that's
supposed to happen? Are they supposed to come into the
chocolate area. They're supposed to stay where they are a
(07:12):
gob sobber, Why don't you go back to the gobstopper room? Please?
Maybe I should try it just to the gob sobber
the chocolate. Maybe I should just try trying to product.
Maybe the busy lifting drinks, which the star the chocolate,
busy living. Still you're naming all of them, and I
know you're starving. We're always starting the metabolism starting. It's
(07:43):
up to Mr Walker. I don't have a problem with Well,
what better way to ensure that the product is safe
than to have a professional try it. I mean, all right,
go ahead. Hasn't been tried yet. We're not quite sure
exactly what will happen, but I'm sure it's safe. It's safe.
What I mean, did you your your channel suck? You
(08:05):
don't have any good channels? I mean it should. I
don't know what the fucking channels? All right, I don't.
I don't usually watch the news. Can't you just please
tell me what the news is? That's so important? You
took me from my crossword puzzle. I'm telling you right now,
the importance of watching something more than you know what
I'm saying. Watching. It's just like boss hi buss um um.
(08:28):
Charlie died, Oh my god, on the conveyor belt. He was,
My god, he was he was wrapping the rolls. He died,
Oh my god. Okay, okay, okay, you know how slow
a death that is. That conveyor belt goes so slow.
We watched the whole thing. We were hitting there, but
didn't somebody hit the there's a power cord. You couldn't
(08:50):
have just pulled the power cord. We can't reach it.
We're too small. Oh my god, it's so high up.
You should have saw it. So he was dying slowly,
and we were all standing into the shoulders, but we
kept falling. I think I think I correcked my my
shoulder also looking pretty good for a correct shoulder. Who
(09:10):
else knows? What the hold? What the hell are you're
attacking this guy for? Like city looks pretty good like that,
you're calling him, you're calling him man and both you
guys get into my office and just shut the door
behind you. Okay, this is sick. Man. We got a
dead employee out there. Man's dead. We said that. He
got conveyor belted, said he just said he's dead. Man.
(09:34):
I couldn't have predicted that Stella would turn inside out,
but it's an experimental new candy. Hey, we're not here,
I said before. We're not here to judge your product,
your artistry, and your artistry. We're here, I'm dead. We're
here to make sure everything is safe and sound. What's
behind what's behind that door? That door there? There's nothing
(09:56):
to be seen behind that door, nothing at all. And
to had that, actually I would love to ship because
said there's nothing behind there, nothing behind that door, there's
nothing nothing, no, no, good day. I say, good day, sir,
good day. I mean I got an interior design mind.
(10:16):
So I would love to pop in and see what
we could do with the space. Oh, if you're coming
from that, mine said, please please do Okay, let's just
hope this. The first thing I would do is I
get rid of all these uh right, and then you
(10:38):
know what you could do? Oh, this is this is great.
So you got low hanging ceiling, all right, you got
low hanging ceiling here. So I don't want to put
a chandelier, right, but we'll be anything all on the
roof here, right, you know what I'm saying. On the ceiling,
and I can just go all the way to the end.
We can have a mirror at the back end there, right,
give a kind of an infinity. Look, we can we
(11:00):
shut these guys up. I'm trying. I'm trying to tell
some guy in material design notes here. Alright, alright, let's
take a look at the calendar. What we got going
on today? There's a guy who's dead. Man trying to
stop looking at the name. Charlie is dead. Okay, Well
I haven't seen the body, and I don't want to
(11:21):
see the body. But listen, today's you're a dead denier.
I'm just saying that maybe this is a private company
and this is fucking nuts. Man, every time this is
now we got a dead denier here, who's running the show? Man?
How how are how are we supposed to know what's
going on? We got dead denier running the show? You
(11:41):
know what? Because he reads the newspaper, he doesn't watch it.
That's from the Squirrel and the Man, Janis, have you
heard about this thing? It's crazy? Oh ridded? Have you
heard about that? Have you looked at that up? I have,
(12:03):
I've looked it up. I don't understand it. I simply
don't understand it. Shannon. You know it's so crazy because
I had gone in the computer because I originally wanted
to look up you know what's John Travolta up to?
I miss? I want to make sure he's well. And
it's just the first answer led me to reddit dot com.
(12:23):
Reddit dot com and it's just a buttload of answers
and it's just so much information. But it's all very
very um reliable. It comes for everybody. So how could
it not be true? You know? I stumbled upon that
site when I typed into asked Jeeves, how do you
stop us to flay from caving? In and did you
(12:48):
find out? I'm sure you did. I did. I did
um because Red it's the best s. I'm sort of waking.
We just got a question of Asked Jeeves, we're back.
What did you say? I didn't realize that you'd have
to add in a bond Marie and and and that's incredible,
(13:10):
But I had no idea. I had no idea. And
then that led me down to something called the dark web.
I didn't understand it when I went there. Well, Jane's
did you understand? Okay? Great, We got all the board
members here for Ask Jeeves. We just want to say
thank you, and my god, I can't believe your numbers
still work. I thought we got to update that, but uh,
I just want to I just want to let everyone
(13:32):
know what's going on here. We just had somebody use
ask Jeeves, and we think the numbers are going to
start to rise again. As a matter of fact, if
I may coffees on us today, yes we're coffee. It's
not us, So I help yourselves to celebration. Feels good?
Do you hear that? Ask Jesus back? Everybody here. We
can reopen lycos we can do it. We can't do it.
(13:56):
Oh my god, Oh my god, this is fantastic. It's
like a search engine elissance. Uh. Now, Mr Wonka, I
gotta say you have a wonderful I'm bad, uh facility.
I think we're just about on our way out now,
if you, if you wouldn't mind, can we speak to
(14:18):
one or two of your employees just a couple of
quick questions and we'll be out of your hair. We
had a list here. Charlie is Charlie Charlie. Oh, Mr Wonka,
it seems like you've got some visitors here. Um, can
I just can I just have a quick moment with you?
Out of your shot of I don't know who these
(14:39):
people are. These are the inspectors. If you just give
me a moment, I'd like to speak with my colleague
for a second. Here. You would pay a white Charlie's debt.
There's about to be a mutanty with the loops. You
gotta call this investigation or inspection, whatever the hell it is.
You gotta get them out of here. Yeah, it would
(14:59):
be used to be able to do that, but I
don't have the ability to do that. I have to
get through with them things. So why don't you do
your fucking job, quisin Berry, and keep them at bay.
So how about we just don't let him into the
conveyor belt room, because let's just be honest, there's raspberry
jelly everywhere and there. Keep them away from that. Hey, Bob,
(15:22):
I just want to say, Oh, this is what I
was gonna say. A chair there, a ruggy here, you
know that would have pop this room. I love your
can we can we move over here? Then? Goddamn gum.
I love your eye. You have a guy I have
been designed. But I also well, I also love your eyes,
(15:43):
you know what I mean. Look, I've given most of
my organs away, but if you want my eyes, I'll
put that in my will. Is that too much sense?
Not at all? Not at all. Look, I really do
believe it in a minority report. God damn it, quisin Berry.
We got through the inspectors, but you and ahead and
submitted this. You broke the story yourself. Uh. I thought
(16:06):
that that was probably the best way, because we can
control the pr You don't have to get ahead of
something if it's not gonna come out. We got past
the inspectors. You've dumb now here at Man in the Squirrel,
we are very proud of our work and we are
very much appreciated of all sponsorships to keep the show going,
but we will sever ties with Willy Wonka's chocolate factory
(16:29):
based upon the now here at Reddit, we let the
world tell us what's up, but we will have to
withhold any information regarding Willy Wonka and this chocolate factory
after this news has broken about what is going on
behind doors. I'm spokesman for Reddit. Have a good day.
(16:49):
See krisin Burry. It's it's going everywhere. We run a
buzz feed list of fifty fu things going on in
the chocolate factory. This is you, man. You didn't have
to do this, all right? Well, if you want my resignation,
you can have it. What are you gonna do? Have
another contest? Bring another person in here. I think you
should spend some time in the gun drop forest. There's
(17:12):
no easy way, have no what will happen to Quisin Bear.
I could just resign, I could just walk away. I
could just walk away from I don't think so. I
don't think so. Quisin Barry. You've made your bed and
I lie in it. William, Well, we're like family. I
(17:33):
knew it was you Fredo getting the Fu Chocolate River. Okay, sure,
So why are you willing to go in there? You're
willing to go in there? I don't know if I
have a choice, am I gonna have? I would rather
just walk out at this place in one piece. But
(17:56):
everybody else, we're here to break these motherfucker's here. Come
on down, because it Mary, I was testing you. You
had won. The chocolate factory was yours and leading out.
(18:16):
Oh god, oh god, you're break. Don't let them go.
So I was actually on Bing and I asked it.
You know, I wanted to know what's going on at
the Willy Wonka Factor. What's going on there? Because I'm
hearing a lot of dark stuff, but I also can't
find it. Damn it? Someone chusing Being? I thought we'd
(18:38):
shut that down. Listen to me. I don't want any
programmers working on Being. Do you hear me? Uh? What's
gonna happen to my job? It's like my number, It's
like the only thing I do. It's like so awkward.
Or also because Mary, all of you buloop as I
set up with jobs at Bing. This whole thing was
(18:59):
just a test for you, and it went ship. You
killed we're supposed to be the home with me and
(19:19):
oh and that's our first scene. Nice and family oriented.
See number two is from Daniel Tanner, who wrote, Hello
all you wonderful folks. I want to keep this short,
(19:40):
but still kiss your asses. You're all doing great during
this plague and only getting better. Suggestion talk show host
gets out of control with love Danny from Saskatchewan, Canada.
Next Tuesday, from new episodes of Man in the Squirrel
and now back to Hagin. Alright, Uh, we're gonna We're
(20:05):
gonna go a little off script in the show today.
I've got some pretty unusual guests. What's he doing? Oh
and I'd like to uh inside of this pentagram my
own blood? What open up at door? Don't cut away?
(20:27):
This might be good door way to hell? And I
need everybody in the studio audience to gather hands and
repeat after me, do it? Do it an actual CONFI
(20:47):
you're a p a here. Do you want to climb
up this ladder? Yeah? And say it? Okay? Is that
I don't know if that's right? Well? Did the doorway
to hell? Open up and taken take a look. I'm
really carry here. You can't do everything. And now we
just wait for one demon to come out, and we're
going to interview him about the world of hell. Okay, okay,
(21:23):
I'm sure that this is there's gonna be a demon
that comes through. Big fan of your show, I've washed
it for years from down there. I tell you, those
commercial breaks are worse than hell. All right, So we've
(21:47):
I I owed an in for the big guy downstairs,
and I said that I bring you guys up to
do a little bit of Well, you're guesting. So what
I'm this is good? Okay, this is good. Hank is
out of control. Look, look just rule. Okay, once it
(22:11):
gets too far, we'll cut the feet. But right now,
demons drink water? Should I get a good water? You're okay?
All right? Long pause? Hank? Is there a question coming? Oh?
I was just here's the question that we are all
waiting for. Is is how all it is made up
(22:32):
to be? Do we want to go down there? Or
do you think we'd probably be better off on the
high and narrow road. Oh? You don't want to go
down there? Drust me on that. As someone who's spent
my entire life there, imagine getting Rick rolled for fucking eternity.
That's what it's like, What do you mean I fucking
got bumped for a demon? Just going on the show today,
(22:57):
right and waste my fucking time today, right this, Lawrence? No,
you did not. All right, You're gonna be on in
the Joey Lawrence's wife. Do you know how fucking important
I am, Mr Lawrence. We do. Yes, That's why we
wanted you to be here. We really enjoy you. We
really wanted you to come on there and talk about
your new rugs. Were supposed to talk about new rugs,
do a quick cooking section. I mean, let's get real,
(23:18):
I don't have all day, so um on the camera
after the next commercial break, I'm gonna lose my fucking
shita at right now, and I'm gonna lose it. Mrs Lawrence.
We're actually talking to several demons and on the sixth
level of hell, so several demons now, so now I'm
getting bumped for several demons. It's kind of like a hydro.
They all embodied the same you know, physical form, but
(23:40):
they have just different personalities. So it's it's it's a
really hard and complex understands beyond our understanding. But Hank
loves you. He really wants you here, he does he
because it doesn't feel like it when I was supposed
to be on ten minutes ago, and I'm still in
my shitty green room by the way, Okay, shitty green
room by M and mcs are peanut, it's too hard
(24:02):
for my teeth. Well, we do have a spoor hank.
I heard that I bumped Joey Lawrence's wife, and all
I can say is whoa. I mean, yes you did. Honestly,
We're gonna change the format of this show. I've been
spending a lot of time sucking on the teet of
(24:25):
pop culture and instead I want to be a change
in the world. Are you're saying you don't like it
down in Hell? I know? But am I gonna have
time to talk about my book? Or you gonna go
to break or what the funk? Man? You know you've
got our attention. What is the book? Oh? You guys
are going to be excited to read this book? All right?
It's uh, it's actually a ghost written autobiography on Kenny Rodgers.
(24:50):
I love the guy I always have, Uh, but you
know he's not in Hell because that guy put out
some him. I'm like, am I gonna keep wronging, yes,
just keep wrong, just keeping I have so many waters,
just in case, just in case he gets I don't know,
So I'm ready with waters straws. He s wearing lipstick. Yeah,
(25:13):
I mean, I don't know. I stopped watching The Hank
a while ago. It's just like, I don't know. You
have all these funny segments of characters and stuff. But
once he started breaking the portal into hell, I just
was like, that's too much, you know, just too much
for me. So I just started rick. I mean, it's like, yeah,
I get it. You were in the Hank Early. We
(25:33):
all fucking no, you found Hank Early. Okay, we get that,
but now you turn it on it just because it
got popular. Alright, alright, lets don't jump down his throat.
Let's get the guy a chance. So what's what's the
what's the next show? What's the next hot thing? No? No,
I'm reading right now. I'm reading. Okay, yeah, right, I
am pretty all right. That's the alkamaniacs. Read it all right.
(26:01):
You can't read. Can't read, you can't read. You've always
been such a dick. You're the guy that when you
had at Bob's anniversary party, we started talking about squirrel
in the Man because it's the best show on television.
Like I don't even own a TV. Which is the
best show. It's like, watch it without the Laft track,
Watch it without the Laft track. It's that's it's made
(26:23):
to be fun. Yea, Why are you such as why
are you so against fun? It's just you know, the
concept is brilliant. We can all agree on that. Okay,
there's a man who has the ability to hear and
talk to squirrels and then go on adventure has ever
been made? Watch Blackadder? If you really want to watch
(26:43):
a good show, all right, watch black Squirrels in it
do it's the favor Read read that for us? Okay
something Oh my gosh, I never do this, but your
hank from hankerund right, yeah, yes, I am. Can I
(27:04):
get a picture with you? I mean, if you take
a picture of me, everybody can know that I'm thankful.
It'll be so subtle, like all right, okay, thank you
so much. Okay, can you look like happy? Huh? Can
you look happy for the picture? Hey, hey, guys, sacrifice
(27:30):
my kids. Man, I love you. You made a good call.
You made a good call. Go to hell, Go to
hell uh so if you don't want the picture of
this smile, you're gonna get anything better. What do you
want from me? Um? Then I'll take this on. Yeah, thanks,
thanks so much. I know I just talked to Best
(27:52):
the Best Man. That guys, it's Squirky Day squirrels. Squaky
Jay squirrels over there, so squirk Jay. We love the
show man. Suky the Best Man the Best Say, can
I get a picture? Okay? Just go really close down
(28:14):
on my shoulder. I'm like, oh, scuky really hurts. It's
not It's actually really all right. We got a hard
decision to make. I mean, we have to stop. Just stop,
(28:37):
just stop for a second. Guy, damon, listen. You never
see stop, will you just listen? Okay, we got a
hard decision to make, all right, stopping, We got a
hard decision to make. Yeah, we do your a A.
I thought it, maybe, like, what's the decision? Help with
the decision, that's that's your question. But eating and a bedding. Hell,
(29:03):
but our ratings are through the roof, I know. Okay.
In the first I couldn't get enough. All right. I
saw those ratings come in and all I could think
of was New Audi, New or less. Dude, you slutter
your whole fucking family. Dude, I know which is cool?
Which is cool? I love to read an expert. If
you got a minute or two on the show, we
(29:26):
have eternity. Great. It was raining outside and uh, I
didn't know where my pants were, so I went to
my couch. It was damp out, that's for sure. It
goes on and on from there. I wasn't rolling. Should
I have been rolling? No? No, God damnit. He's been
saying the same thing. Look, I think we're being like
(29:49):
and we're gonna put in a trance, you know. I mean,
I think they're saying this, should like put a spell
on us. It's the same expert over and over here.
I've actually been I've been here the whole time as waters.
I'm sorry, I had them all. Can you get some waters?
(30:11):
Oh I got there? Sorry, Yeah, get some waters. Hey,
thanks for coming into the network office. Oh okay, we
like it. What we like it, Thank the dad, and yeah,
we're gonna add to it. You're gonna add to it
(30:34):
a co host? Wait a second, I don't do co hosts.
I'm hanging. This is no by show. This is my
own personal health squirreling mc squirrel, Am I really? Hi? Um?
(31:02):
I just wanted to let you guys know, as a
network executives, I'm done here. I'm cutting all ties with
your stupid fucking network. Whose blood do I need to
suck to get on this TV? That squirrel, that joke
of a squirrel. That squirrel killed three people the other
day at Grassis Madre at a vegan fucking restaurant. Well,
(31:23):
we didn't see it, so we don't know. We didn't
see it. Yeah, we gotta we gotta see it. It's
not add whatever. When my husband finds out that not
only did you don't don't don't don't, don't, don't don't know,
you don't need to tell you know, I'm gonna tell Joey.
If you don't think, I'm gonna tell joe you're working
out of your mind. He's only gotten stronger. He's only
(31:47):
gotten after during his muscles have gotten so big. And
you thought he was good to Melissa and Joey. Just wait,
the older he gets, the stronger he gets. Wait, how's
that possible? I mean, I get it, he's got a
co host. I'm just telling you right now, there's better
books out there. Than there's TV. In fact, it can't
(32:11):
be true. I'm telling you right now. He doesn't even
know what the squirrel is saying at the time. Yeah,
that's the beauty of it. Such a dick when it
comes to squaky squirrel. Right. I know you don't like
the show, but it is the greatest show that has
ever been made. Everybody indoctrinated, like you're being put on
a spell or some ship. It's not good, man, it's
(32:32):
really not. You know what's good? This book right here?
But what are you reading? I'm reading Why Won't the
Paint Dry? By R. L. Stein? It's really really good,
all right, fucking you know what? You know what? Hey,
maybe we're being too hard. We're being too hard on it,
all right? What what read us a section? Okay, let's
(32:53):
say this, read us a section? I am says this
is not Squirrels can't read squirrels and human costumes. No ship,
he can't read. That's why there, that's where the show sucks.
(33:13):
His face is like slipping off. Dude, Wait a second,
we knew it. You're a fucking squirrel. You're a squirrel, guys.
I brought the waters. But also when he has to
go get the waters. There's a guy. He's really really strong.
(33:34):
I think it's Joe Lawrence, but I haven't seen him
in so long. He's trying to see. Yeah, he doesn't
care that the red light is going, he doesn't care
that we are recording right now. He wants to get
in this studio. All right, Hey, do you want to
move up? Do you want to move up to assistant? Yes? Wait, no,
I'm already an assistant, right, but that's what is personal
(33:58):
assistant US assistant. Get rid of the move up. I
thought I would move up to be like props master
or someone. I thought, no, no, no, it's just my
personal Do you think you could be a master of props?
I thought so? Yeah, I mean it takes years to
(34:21):
become a master. You could be my apprentice of props
and I could teach you. Well, it's not exactly the
word assistant. In fact, it actually infers more learning. Yeah,
I'll be an apprentice. Um, apprentice of props seems like
a safer gig. Anyways, so we can get dicey. Believe
(34:43):
you me? Do I need to wear a cape? Okay?
So Mr Lawrence, yes, okay, we understand you're upset and
we're gonna let you on right now with with Hank.
But you're saying that you yourself you are Satan. That
seems a little far fetched, alright, go on, Oh my god,
(35:08):
oh my Joey Lawrence. Shut up, squirrel. Let's give a
round of applause to my favorite and honestly help her
to start this show. My dear Satan, Mr roy Um,
(35:30):
thanks for joining me in my talk show. Your bones
are kind of moving the wrong direction. I think he's
about to shed its human skin, is the only The
only issue is you didn't bring a single prop during
(35:51):
the whole segment. There was plenty opportunity, right, but I
brought water and the last time that's what you asked for,
So I thought that you still want it personal assistant anymore.
You think it's production assistant. I think it's a production assistant.
Just give me one second. You're not persistant a personal assistant.
(36:12):
If you can't assist me, you certainly can't assist the production.
And if you can't assist the prop master, I don't
know what to tell you. Well, I'm actually not I'm
actually not assisting the prop master. I'm actually apprenticing the
prop prop master. I'm actually the prop apprentice. So I
think you need to give me a little more respect.
I'm sorry, did you want to water? I can get
a water or something I would love, and if you
can make it sparkling, that would be wonderful. That's going
(36:34):
to be nearly impossible. No flavor. If there's even a
hint of lime, I'm going to flip. Okay, I'd argue
that's going to kiss off the master, you know. I'd
argue that, like, you know, sparkling, there's a flavor, you know,
to end on a water. Number three is from Patreon.
(37:02):
Alcmaniac Duckie, an assassin is hired to eliminate bad YELP reviewers.
That was mc nail and that food showed up room
temperature at best. My wife said it was cold. I
said it was frigid. Frigid. Sorry, my wife said it
(37:24):
was frigid cold. Unsatisfied. One star. I wish we could
do zero stars. Good job, baby, Oh my god, that
makes me so fucking hot. Assholds are gonna regret treating
us like, yeah they are, You're the fucking king. You
told them, I did you know what? That's the house
(37:47):
there now? Intel says that there's two people using the
single account, So they're both combining for an equal amount
of distasteful comments on any kind of food distribution place
or a restaurant. And some people call it what I do,
call it a food distribution place, but you know you
can call it. I mean, restaurants are probably the preferred nomenclature,
(38:07):
but food distribution places what I what I call it,
And that's that's my thing. Now, copy do you want
to to uh like clear head shots or do you
want to make it look like a computer accident. Why
don't you make it look like a computer accident. We're
we're not trying to bring attention to us, all right.
That's gonna require me to get in pretty close food
(38:28):
distribution places. What I say, though, it's not a restaurant,
I mean, it is a restaurant. I just well, my
point is what I I'm saying. It is a restaurant.
I'm the reviewing a restaurant. You know that, right? Yes,
I understand, sir, But I say food distribution place. I didn't.
I didn't misspeak. Okay, that's what I That's what I say.
You know that. You know me, right, You know me, sir?
(38:50):
Sorry me for thirty years did you hear what happened
to April and ten? Can you can you just can
you give me my space ball? Working? Oh? Sorry? But
did you hear what happened to April and Ken? No?
I didn't. I didn't. I have to talk close because
(39:12):
it is a secret. What happened? What are you talking about?
Oh my god? Please let me work? Did you hear
what happened with April and ten? No? Okay, so they died?
But via like some computer act like you sound so
happy excited. It's well, it's extingu I like I like,
(39:37):
I like thrive on gossip. I throw this. This is
a dead case. You know, I say dead kids, you
mean murder? Right to take a quick break this morning,
I got bad news to share. Well, should we get
(39:58):
on her knees? I guess if you feel I don't
know if you know what? Okay, go ahead and get
on your knees, sir. We'd like a clear choice, should
we or not? Like you tell us what's going on?
I would see just sitting in your desk chair is fine.
But if you feel I don't know what I'm about
to announce, I'm sorry. Like rich always makes us take
our rich. We understand you play quarterback in high school.
(40:21):
You could have been somebody we do. We get that,
but you don't need to bring it into the workplace. Okay,
all right, okay, well you guys might all notice that.
I'm sorry, are we? Are we sitting in the chair?
Are we? However, you want to take some shocking, jaw dropping,
(40:42):
soul wrenching news. I can't go in the window. Don't
do it. Why are you smiling? Why are you smiling?
I don't. I mean, that's like the most exciting it's
happened in this office. It's working here. I hate it,
but it's exciting. All right, huddle up, huddle up. We
(41:02):
can't huddle up on this. We just lost the employee
out the window. But the game's still going. What are
you talking about the game? We're still in office. How
to deal with this? Call the play? Call the play?
What are we gonna do? Alright? Alright? I said, we
listen to I said, we listen to boss's announcements. And
then uh and then uh, I'm so sorry. I kind
(41:23):
of hold on, Wait, what was what was your news?
Ken died? He said, that's why he's not here this morning.
It's why you know, it's just it's just cool to
know things ahead of time. It's not cool that he's dead.
Nine one, How can I help you? What am my
employees just jumped out of the window. I don't know
(41:44):
for sure. It's a long way down. I'm not sure
if he's okay or not. And I could take the elevator,
but I wanted to report it before I went down there,
just in case he's not a lot I don't know.
Just before I process this car, I would like to
do a little survey for you. Um, what do you
think of him Bloopo candies? I haven't I haven't tried them,
but I like everything out of the Wonka factory so far.
(42:06):
So what's this I have? If it's just gonna be
just doing a customers survey, We're just doing the customers
survey on some products. That one one like the emergency
line right? This is yeah? Okay? Have you seen that
Squirreling the Man? Nope, I don't watch much TV. You
haven't seen Squirreling the Man. I have not seen Squirrel
in the Man. You haven't seen this episode. I have
(42:28):
not seen any episodes of Squirrel the Matter. I'm gonna
transfer you to UH to my manager just about this transfer.
But do you like entertainment? I mean, who doesn't like
to be entertained? You know what I mean? I mean,
of course I like entertainment. On the scale of one
to five, one being you like entertainment, five you love entertainment?
You fall four? Four? Very nice? Great. So if it's
(42:52):
a Saturday afternoon, you have your choice of reading newspaper
or watching something on television. What are you gonna do?
I'm probably sit down to a good book and have
have some So did you hear that? Actually he probably
would have lived if the E M T s had
gotten here sooner, but it took so long. I'm just
(43:14):
trying to enjoy the funeral. OA. Sorry please, um hi,
this is the Assassin yelp Assassins Incorporated? Is that correct? Yes?
Yes it is? Uh sorry, I to see the front
desk here. I don't know if parking was difficult. I'm
a little flustered. Look, um, I owned Piz's Burgers. I've
(43:36):
called in with a lot of bad reviews. I'm I'm
a member here, I pay my dues, and yet somehow
these reviews keep popping up and no one, Yeah, here's
the here's the problem. Um, we will. Of course, our
whole thing is that we will assassinate people who leave
bad Yelk reviews unless they're warranted. And your burgers are terrible. Wow,
(44:04):
we received all of your calls, all of your emails.
You've seen it all. But you know, I like, we
had a luncheon last Thursday where I bought Peetsburgher's for
all of the various killers and assassins here, and every
single one of them said that the patties were overcooked,
the cheese was Maybe I should get out of the
food distribution service and maybe I should start my own company,
(44:27):
assassins to assassinate assassins. Mhmm. Yeah, Well previously I worked
as ah well, I wouldn't call it a job per se,
but I did have a gun. I have held a gun. Okay,
can you pull the trigger? I mean, I don't know,
(44:49):
you know, I'm gonna be I want to be I
want to be honest in the interview. So okay, I
don't know if you're right for the Yelp assassins, but
I do hear the there's like an assassin's of assassins,
and it's like a little bit of like a shottier
situation and they might take you. So I'm not good
enough to kill yelped people, but I'm good enough to
(45:10):
kill a sassin. Oh yeah, I'll definitely take that. I'll
take a look to see. They don't trust their business models,
so I'm gonna look. Hey, buddy, came to the right place.
She said, we're shottier, right, shots fire my man hold
his gun? Oh god, oh god? You all right? That
was a good shot, dude. That was a good shot
(45:33):
that went through and through. Can you start tomorrow? Actually,
I gotta finish some stuff, but all right, all right, sir,
you're you're you're looking for assassin's Creed. Uh, this is
the Creed assassins. We are, what like, slowly slowly hunting
(45:53):
down the bad band Creed and taking your vengeance for
what happened in music us. Since Creed is a video game,
it's not a thing. Are you sure? Because I was
told that it was well you were told Rocks, sir.
I mean the way they said it. It sounded like
that's how they said it, So I gotta trust. I
(46:14):
mean the guy who told me, I mean that's how
he said it, so I know him. And he said,
assassin screen is what I gotta go after. So, I mean,
you know popular populist series, not a I mean marthy,
you're cracking up. What what's what's the what's the hotest?
Go You're like dying. I know it's like some silly
you might have to be in your cup. Yeah, I
(46:36):
do mind, I do mind. Just go to the water.
Cool like you are, capables, cozy. It's cozy in here.
You've got the space here. I haven't have good interior design.
What do you want to do? Family? Gorgeous families? Thank you,
your children beautiful, Please don't look at my children. Nobody
(46:57):
talks around me, and he moves. I'm sitting here with
beautiful water to consume, both cold and hot. If you
want to make tea. When nobody talks around me, it's
because everything gets dropped. There's no weekly watching and everything's
just going on. And I'm wonderful. Office. You're telling me
you think anyone's coming to the coffee machine anymore. Everyone's
(47:21):
going out getting their stop bucks, getting there, Get it down, kids,
facts of machine here. I haven't been fundled in years.
Oh what I would do for a little fundling. Let's
they shouldn't have put you in the break room facts
(47:43):
machine doesn't seem like the best place for you. You're forgotten.
You probably got put here because you're always so inappropriate.
Stop talking about fondling in the world. Put a button
in my butt hole, please put every ain't the same thing.
(48:03):
Someone's coming, Someone's going, hey, I hear you, guys, like Hey,
I'm working in the other room, and you guys are
so fucking loud. Of course I can hear you, but
nobody else in this damn office seems to be able
to hear you, the crazy one, Luke, and I talked
to you for a second. Well, let me just finish
(48:23):
so you can shut Peter. I think you should go home. Alright,
you're screaming out appliances. Alright, buddy. So I heard that
Luke lost his fucking mind. What God fired? Well put
on like mentally, but he couldn't handle it. So he
(48:45):
threw himself down the stairs like somebody in like a
fucking soap opera trying to get rid of their baby.
And he didn't even die, He just broke his neck.
Crazy Who brought the fucking water cooler next year in
your cubicle? There? Ted? I don't know it just moved
(49:07):
over here. I have no idea. I thought it was
a fucking prank. I've been trying to move it, but
every time I go to okay, so back, so they
just moving now? All right, well, let me walk up
here and grab this coffee maker. Look it just moving now.
It was just moving now. Machine? Yeah, what are you doing?
(49:29):
What are you? The one man? Sean? Can I talk
to you for a second? What's up? Dude? Well? I
mean you were just humping the hell out of that
fashion machine and then you were grinding on that coffee maker.
Maybe you should maybe you should take some time off.
You'd like that, onen't you. You know I went through
(49:50):
a pass for thirty seven yards, dude, h thirty seven yards.
That's not that far, that's not that okay? This this
guy all right? Yeah, you know it's like a standard
throat yelp for my job, one star. I feel like
(50:13):
everython is going crazy in my office, and I might
have been the first one to lose my mind. I
can't stop smiling when it comes to tragedy and everyone
else is throwing themselves downstairs outside of windows. People are
fucking facts machines. I gotta I got a clear shot.
(50:35):
If you want to give me to go ahead, I
feel like jumping on the channel here, food distribution place.
What are you guys thinking about that same thing as restaurant?
Am all right? Correct? M okay, there's someone else on
the channel right. I'm writing this because I wanted to,
(50:57):
and I thought there were three of us. I'm trying to.
I'm trying to. If you have a clear shot, take it,
take it bus. Do you want a head shot or
do you want to make it look like her phone
killed her? Believe I'll run that up the ladder phone.
I call those uh, actually I don't know what I
(51:19):
call them. I haven't I haven't really decided. The food
distribution place, that's what I call a restaurant. You go ahead,
take that shot, Take the shot. Water spilling out everywhere,
water shooting. Look, I'll find a new job sometime, okay,
(51:50):
but I just need some time to decompress. I was
working in a crazy environment. Just just please give me
some time. Okay. I don't know what I want to do.
I don't know what you want to do. Well, all right,
your mom and I don't want you staying here anymore, Okay,
Like it's time to grow all the way up. And
get a real job. You to grow all the whill Okay, yeah,
(52:12):
they grow all the whilling. You're You're no, I'm trying
to communicate with our young son. Wow, Hank sounds terrible.
I mean, you can't let your home life affect what
you do on the talk show. Okay, things got to
stay pretty straightforward, all right. Well, if if my home
(52:34):
life is hell, I want to bring it to the job. Okay,
I don't think you should do that. I mean, we're
getting pretty good ratings the way it is right now.
I think what this show needs is a one way portal,
well really two way portal to hell. So I want
you to get me some of that goats blood for
today's episode. I'll have to ask the prop master is
you know he's pretty grandiose and everything he does. You
(52:58):
can't slip this one around me work with somebody else.
I wish I could. Ma'ma, there's a chain here, and
I gotta go up. I'm actually the prop master now.
Um turns out there were like assassins that I could hire,
and they're pretty good. The ones that I hired. Not
all of them are great, But I looked at the
yelper views and I picked the ones at the highest stars.
(53:21):
What can I get you? Water or props? Prop prop water,
not real water, prop water and that funny water. That's
the rule all the way up. That was beautiful. All right, Well,
let's thank you to our alchemist. See what they're up to,
Joey Greer. Just check out Alchemy. This is Instagram. We're
(53:44):
doing live stuff there. If you want to see nothing
that I'm posting, you can check out God Bless Jim Chum.
That's that's my personal account. But check out Alchemy this Instagram.
James eeny Uh go ahead and um. On Wednesday nights,
eight pm Pacific Standard time, there's a Bear Supply live
(54:06):
stream show. Che check it out Twitch dot Tv, slash
bs Comedy. Nice Jackie Ruthy, Hey guys, thanks for having me.
Nice to meet you, Cole um. It's really fun. And um,
I'm at Jackie Ruthy on Instagram and other things and
I feel like that's real good. That's where you get
the info. Nice. Oh yeah, at Chris Albroado Instagram. Cole dude,
(54:32):
so much fun to have you, so much fun? Are you?
Are you back then soon? Yeah? I believe next session. Yep,
it's always fun. Always fun to be doing this. Kids
who find they can find me at at Cole Stratton
or at Stratton Cole, depending on the service. Go to
s S sketch Fest dot com doing a giant fundraising
show on January thirty, five pm Pacific, eight pm Eastern.
(54:56):
Hundred plus performers, giant people in the world of comedy
that grown all the way up, So definitely come check
that out. Trust me, the lineup is insanity and you'll
be glad you did. It'll be helping our festival so
we can do it again in the future. All right,
let's have a big thanks to our engineer and producer,
Doug Name and the fine folks at I heeart Media
(55:19):
dot com. Don't don't don't please write to us at
your name here at alchemy this dot com. That's your
name here at alchemy this dot com Until next time.
(55:40):
I thought it was doing better at
Alchemy This News
Host
Kevin Pollak
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