May 13, 2021 • 53 mins
Phone Sex Line.
News Crew at New Screw Convention.
Craig as Sherlock Holmes.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:02):
Welcome back to another episode of Alchemy, this COVID edition.
I'm your host Cold Stratton in for Kevin Pollock. Let's
meet her alchemist Shelley. First up, it's Chris Alvarado. Chris
put together a lineup of five musical artists if you
could have like a dream concert. I don't really know
(00:24):
a lot of music. Um, you don't have five bands
you've liked in your entire life. I don't think so,
I'm being honest, Um bands, No, I don't know. I
don't I can't answer the question. I don't know. I
like him hip hop, m I likes jazz, so maybe
like like Woo Tank Clan or something, and then like
(00:47):
Dave Brubeck or something, and then, uh, I don't even know.
I don't know, Bob, I don't know. It's a terrible concert.
Somebody who's such a music guy, tell me what you're
feeling right now. I don't know. It's your concert, man,
I don't care. I don't even know. Hard for me
(01:09):
to narrow down to five, but I didn't think it'd
be the opposite that you couldn't get. I can't name
I can't name five bands. I don't think. Thank you,
I've been Bob Dylan next up and then Aerosmith three times. Alright,
good question, have no problem. What do you think on that?
(01:30):
A month from now you send me your answers. Okay,
Next up, James Heeney. James, I know that you're super
scientific and you do a lot of studies and stuff,
but how many licks does it take to you to
the center of a test ro pop? What's the official
number there? Uh? Well, it's it depends on if you're
going to focus on one side, because you can get
to the center on one side and a little less
(01:50):
than three hundred licks and that's from back a tongue
to tip a tongue. Uh. But if you're rotating, like
if it's instead of like you know what I mean.
So if you go back to uh, that's a little
less than three um. But if you're swirling it, you
could cut your tongue and it's dangerous, so be careful. Alright,
(02:11):
good data to put that to the test. Can I
just add that if you don't have a Patreon, this
might be the best time to get it to see
James explain what he just said. He's meeting himself right now.
Next up, Craig Kikowski. Craig, did you have a VHS
tape you wore out as a kid. It's a movie
(02:32):
you watched ton Uh. Yeah, there was a summer and
I think I've alluded this to this before when my
best friend Toby and I decided we were going to watch, uh,
Purple Rain and this is Spinal Tap every day of
the summer. And I think this must have been because
both of both of those movies came out, and I
(02:53):
think we made it for like a week of having
to watch Purple Rain and Spinal Tap every day. But
I think I don't. I mean, worn out is merely
metaphorical because those tapes still exist at my parents house.
There you go, do you Indeed? It is kind of
sad though, like if stuff you taped off TV, it's
just starts to degenerate or whatever, and it's like you
(03:14):
can't even see it anymore, and eventually you know it
will disappear if you even really care and have those
tapes anymore. But you know, I like family recitals or whatever,
you got to digitize them. I mean, Prince and Spinal
Tap would be in my top five bands for a concert. Definitely,
There you go. I mean, I can come up with
so many. I mean, guys, here one of our favorites
(03:38):
hustle saying, it's all, uh, you're a big Dallas Cowboys fan.
Everybody knows that. But let's say they never existed. What
team do you follow instead in the NFL. That's a good,
very good question, Cole. Thanks for asking. I can give
you five at the least, but I'll start off with
the Chicago Bears. That's probably the first team I watched
UM and the Jim mcman years and I really liked them.
(04:02):
And then I usually whenever I go and live somewhere
for a long time, I usually root for a local
team as well. So when I was in New York,
I was more of a Giants fan, even though their
NFC East as well. Here in l A, I am
pulling for the Rams more than the Chargers. So um, yeah,
I like Green Bay. I mean, I think keep going.
I can just go down the list. Nice. You know,
(04:23):
Chicago Bears could play your dream concert, Chris, I get
to shoot super Bowl shuffle it for a couple of hours. Okay,
so we have Super bowl S shelf from the Bears.
We have spinal tap Prince. I think we're doing good.
I want to hear. Yeah, this is Chicago. You can
just have Chicago as well. You know, Chicago with the
Chicago Bears mashup be pretty great? Uh great? And finally,
(04:43):
last but not least, you know him, Joey Greer. Joey
Uh God, I hear you got hired to write a
brand new movie introducing new characters to the Marvel Cinematic Universe.
Tell us a little bit about him. Guy, I am
so stoked to talk about this. I cannot believe this
is the first time I'm allowed to say this. I'm
I'm out. I'm outside the contract islands where they say
(05:05):
you can't talk about this, you can't talk about this.
But even better news, they're saying I should talk about
this because you're not. You're gonna love This is a
new character, a whole new uh storyline that's gonna be
popping up here. This is phase seven in the m
c U. I know we're on phase six, but this
is phase seven, so this is gonna be coming down
just a little little bit later. So what if this
character I have here is nuts. His name is is
(05:29):
Blimbo and he's got he's a clown. Craig played him
at one point. Uh, he's a cop exactly. You're gonna
love it. Great, Craig will look forward to those checks. Uh,
(05:49):
let's do a damn show, everybody. All of our seen
suggestions are gathered from listeners, emails, or from our Patreon
v I p s to become a Patreon supporter of
the show and enjoy exclusive content and their perks, just
head on over to Patreon dot com slash alchemy this.
If you'd like to submit a scene suggestion via email,
please write to the podcast at our new email address,
(06:10):
alchemy This email at gmail dot com. That's alchemy com.
Scene one is from Ophelia, who wrote simple scene suggestion
phone sex line. Thanks Ophelia, maybe, um, maybe are you
(06:36):
going to answer that phone? Yeah? Yeah, it's just um
its first? What I mean? First? First, David getting too bed? Okay, baby,
why don't you go to sleep. I'll take this call
on the work in the morning. Yes, of course, I'll
(06:56):
keep it down. Mhm ha ha I have my I
want my fantasies to come true. Well, thank you for
calling the fantasy hot line. Where your fantasy is my
hot line? Good slogan. I like it a lot. So
(07:18):
how do we do this. How does this go? I
had this my first time. Call an animal nervous got
him in a little nervous. Okay, okay, no problem. Um
uh you just you just picture a scenario that would
make you so hot, and you tell me that scenario
nice and slow, and then I'll I'll listen to you.
(07:39):
Uh so I had to do the heavy lifting. That's
how this goes? What makes you hot? Jee has a
lot of a lot of question. I'm trying to give
me one second. I'm so sorry, but no, I was
just I was just getting my cigarettes. I'm sorry. You
shouldn't smoke in bird. No, I'm thinking how I'm going
to that? I'm going literally I can't sleep. I love you? Okay,
(08:03):
what are you saying? All right? Am I being charged
for that downtime? I know it's per minute here and
I just want to make sure can I get pro rated?
Make okay? Um? So thank you. I've got some weird fetishes. Um.
The thing that I mostly like is watching the hunger
Hungry hippos eat every single marble that just like that
(08:26):
makes me crazy. Oh yeah, so maybe like we can
pretend we're playing hungry Hungry hippo. Huh yeah, that's so hot. Okay,
here's which which which hippo? Are you? Which color? Probably purple?
And okay, I don't know what are the colors? I
(08:47):
think there is purple. It depends on the addition in
the year. But you can be the purple one. That's fine.
I'll be I'll be red. Oh my god, what color
are you gonna be? Red? Oh my god? That is
so hot? Bring bring okay, give me one second. Hello. Yeah,
(09:07):
it's Terry. I'm calling from my eleven thirty. Oh hi, Terry,
thanks calling the sexual hotline where you're sexual. Wa Wait,
worse Phil, this is not Phil's voice? What's up? Worse Phil? Um?
I don't know? Is filling your fantasies? No? Phil knows
what I like. He knows I like to be talked
to as as different celebrities. That's my thing. That puts
(09:29):
me in a great mood. Why don't I fill in
your fantasy? Phil? You're no your Phil, your your your friends.
Feel okay, just just give me some impressions so I
can just not just smoke in the bedroom. Could you
put sorry babe? And oh my god, you look fantastic.
(09:49):
It's it's like you got like new jewelry on your clothes.
Just look, that's crazy. Are you familiar with the word entrepreneur?
I am business owner? Look whatever it is. Yes, I
want to be my own business. What's going on? What
do I have to do? Okay, well, hold on. Do
you like money? Yes? Yes, I'm in. Yes, Yes, I'm in. Okay,
(10:14):
Well I'm gonna throw you. I'm gonna. I'm gonna. It's
gonna trial by fire. Okay, okay, welcome to your new career.
Give me one second. Booooooo, I've been on a hole
for seventeen hours now. Um is really expensive? And don't
allan to finish a game of hunger hungry hippos? And Uh?
(10:34):
I don't know. I don't know. I feel like I
need to fund Guess who just showed up the yellow hippo? What?
What am I doing? What is it? Start talking? Start talking? Hello?
I am I'm just told just start talking. So here
I go. UM, I don't know. Are you familiar with
(10:56):
press on nails? Uh? I can offer you right now
a one time deal of sixty nails available to your
doorstep in the next three days for the low low
price of two hundred dollars. I'm sorry, how much supposed
to jack off to this what thing dong thing dong? Hello, Yeah,
(11:23):
I got a package of sixty press on nails. Just
needs you to sign right here, you Timothy Whitener. I
am Timothy Whitener. Alright, just sign right there. Now. You
gotta use your own pen. Uh, I don't. I don't
know if I have a pen. You don't have a
pen in your entire this is what is this like
a three bedroom? Too bad? Yeah, I mean I'm sure
I have a pen somewhere, but like, I don't think
(11:45):
I ordered sixty lee press on nails. I'm sorry, are
you Timothy Whitener? I am Timothy Whitener. Yeah, okay, you
ordered some press on nails, So if you could just
sign it, okay, Yes, I mean I supposed it could
be my my ex wife, sir, my job I got.
I got like forty more deliveries today. All right, I understand.
(12:07):
I'm sorry. I don't want to want to hold you up,
but I really my my ex wife left me a
couple of months ago, and uh, she took most of
the pens. To be honest, that's rough A good attorney.
Huh actually had a great attorney. No, Uh, what's there,
what's what's her attorney's name, Julius Bernstein. Oh yeah, yeah,
(12:28):
I've seen I've seen that. If you're a good and
divorced called you it's an earworm, right, yeah, it gets
in there. Yeah, yea yeah, I have no use for
Lee press on. Okay, take your plane pulled off. Look
at that your new range rover. All those phone calls
you've been making have paid off. Baby, you did it.
(12:49):
You're gonna get job. You're a boss, bitch, your your
your business, lady. It's amazing. This is Oh my god,
this is crazy. This is so much. I just didn't
think three months after my four we're doing right, you
know what it is. We're doing right, selling press on nails.
You're so crazy, this is nuts. I've already got sixteen
(13:12):
people to work underneath me, and I'm already having all
the shipments go to us. And trust me, it's not
a pyramid scheme. It's not a pyramid scheme. And people
are getting hot from this. Yeah, people love it. People
are just super excited. It's like nuts, Hey, will you
come in, come in my house and me real quick,
I'm gonna I'm gonna divorce my husband. Well I just
sure in my car. But okay, well we'll look at
(13:34):
it a second. Bab oh yeah, actually could you come
in the kitchen? Yeah, come in? They fell just looking
over the accounts. It's uh, I don't know. I feel
like we're doing pretty good right now. Yeah, I'm doing
pretty good. You're gonna be getting a call from Julius
bourbon Stein soon. What I want to divorce? Hey, if
(13:54):
you're getting nut you, I guess. So why what's going on?
I thought? Should I be here for this? Yes? Rose Rose,
We're gonna have some Rose baby, I hope give me
(14:14):
one second for me. No, yeah, hello, hello, I speak
to fell plate Um. Phil is no longer with us.
How can I turn you on? H This is Juliet
bb oh hey hi hi, um, yes, yes this is Phil,
(14:38):
this is Felt. This is Phil. You are Phil? I
mean not really but yeah. People didn't call asking for Phil,
but it's my number. Anyway, I am hiring you Phil. It.
I'm just so sorry you're going through this. Um, just
it's it's a love. Yeah. Here's the thing. It's weird.
Is I used to get such good. I used to
(15:00):
I have a pretty successful sex line and I do
celebrity impressions. I wants to a while do house calls
to this or that, and then nobody calls me anymore.
Now my wife's leaving me. Well, I mean, I don't
know what to say. I've heard I have heard her
say that. What she answered the phones? Yes, this is Phil,
(15:23):
I thought, I that's just crazy. She makes me feel
like I'm crazy. She says, No, I didn't say that afterwards. Yeah,
I don't know. I don't know what to say. Look,
I got a new land Rover. I really want to
test dride and this is like a really like ft
up kind of situation. I just don't you know what
I mean? Are you asking me to take a test
(15:45):
ride in your land Rover? What do you asking me?
Jarlus Um, thanks for taking my case. I just I
feel like I was kept on that phone sex line
for many many days, and you know the banks for
closing on my high else and uh, I just uh,
I need to You don't have to explain yourself to
be friend. That is outrageous. And your fantasy was never granted,
(16:10):
was it? Now? If we never put the marvels in play,
it was we just we were as side hippos. But
as far as it went. Look, we're gonna take them
for all their worth, uh cash value automobiles, and you're
gonna be swimming and Hippo's my friend. That's the dream.
(16:31):
That's the dream. Thank you for taking it. M h.
Dennett's coming the hell? Who are you? Uh um um
barrel Okay, I'm coming from like a Ferrell cat. It's
(16:58):
f Or. I'm looking for my ex husband, Dennis. It's
actually a traditional Greek name, so he goes by his
first name whenever, Thomas Whitmer, whatever the hell whatever my
ex has been like four months, I forgot Farrell. Who
(17:19):
is it? Mr wer here? What the hell are you
doing here? God, so much has happened. I look you
(17:41):
you try to stick it to me by ordering me
a bunch of lee press on nails. You took all
my pens. And then Farrell, you know, he was this
nice delivery guy, showed up. We fell in love. We
we live here together now, Oh my god, I want
to get back honey. No, I've moved on. I heard
(18:03):
I heard Julius Bourbonstein. J It's just it's just I'm
this class action lawsuits just dream. I had to give
up my land rover. I just got a new one.
I had to give that up. Everything. Please, what would
(18:25):
all right? The honorable Judge paris rising, please entering the
car room. Everybody here in the case of Hippo and
White nerve versus fantasy line right, your honor high, your honor. Yeah,
I'll address you, alright, go ahead, everyone, Just just for
(18:47):
the record of everyone, state your names that way I
have them correctly, Your honor Julius Bourbonstein for the plaintiffs.
Good to see you again, Julie. You know if you divors. Yeah,
I'm sorry. I'm impartial, though I can't. Can't sing along
(19:07):
all right? Uh, and introduce your your client there, Yeah,
introduced me. Okay, I'll induce myself. First of all, Hi,
good morning and hello. Second of all, it's a beautiful day.
Your honor objection. Julius berber Steed is the prosecution hand
the defense. I don't see how this is gonna work.
(19:31):
I'm gonna allow it. Okay. Look, I'm also I'm representing
the plate deff at the defendant. Okay, it seems like
it saves us money somehow. I'm Timothy Whitner. Uh, Julius
bourbon Stet is my attorney. This is my lover Ferrell,
my ex wife. What's my name? No, I was, I
(19:55):
was married to Phil. Phil's here in the house. I
feel it's me. It's me back here. No, now I'm
a note. Say that you're Phil? Do I have that incorrect?
I do go by Phil sometimes? Yes? Is that confusing?
Can I Can I approach the bench judge? Yeah? Yeah,
I'm gonna allowed. Listen, she answers. I think that this
(20:19):
is what I think happened. I think she hijacked my
Jack offline. I had a successful business. Say that again,
I write this down. That could be a good That
could be a good jingle. Yeah, yeah, Hi Jack the
Jack off line college Julius. Well, unfortunately I don't have
(20:40):
the line anymore. Well that's Julius. So I think my
wife took my jack off line and she's been answering
as Phil. But that's not her name. Can you get
to the part where there was a crime committed? Oh,
I believe that she's stolen my identification and then she
got divorced using this. This actually was her lawyer, your honor.
(21:01):
I thought this was a civil case. This is a
civil case. Uh you, Mr Phil, Uh, this case is dismissed.
I'm gonna go have a someway. I was dismissed. I
feel like I didn't get any justice. I mean nothing
at all. I'm thanks for closed to my house. And yeah, well,
(21:23):
I mean here you go. This is a nice little
one room apartment here. Alright. My only rule is this?
All right? No dogs? Do you understand? Yeah? I understand.
All right? Any dogs in here, you're out. You get me.
How do you feel about hippos? Is that a joke? Yeah?
You want a sixty ton animal in here that needs
(21:44):
constant water and I don't know how much food. I'm
just asking. I don't think I have one. Mr Horner.
You're on the fifth floor. Do you actually think this
building is structurally sound to hold that kind of animal? Okay,
so I forget I asked. You know what I'm sending
your app location? Oh no, hi, I'm here to look
(22:05):
um here to see the one bedroom. Oh yes, right
this way, of course? Are you looking at me? Up
and down? You got me? Yeah, that's okay, that's okay,
that's okay. No, no, no, So right up here right
(22:31):
here is this is it? This is open floor plan
right here. The toilet is right next to the bed
and no bathtub, no shower. Uh, and there is there
is a hot plate over it. Okay, this is nice.
This is nice. And the animals loud no dogs actually
(22:54):
for you? Uh all right, that's our first nation. We've
gotten into apartment rentals. I think he's The scene too,
(23:18):
is from Patriot Alchemy Inniac Nicholas Mark Power, who wrote, Hi, Kevin,
what's up? Yes, I'm referring to the short lived fat
of putting cheese whiz and catch up on waffles. Good times,
but lots of tummy sorrow after anyhow. Scene suggestion three
news crews at a New Screws Corp. Presser. I love
(23:40):
you all, except Craig because he is better than that. Nicholas.
I'm sorry, guess, but this flat tire. This is pretty bad.
Don't know we're gonna be able to make it to
that New Screw convention, but we're a new Screw. We've
got to cover the New Screw press. I understand that.
I understand that. Look, I'm doing the best I can.
I've I've called the the headquarters. If they can't send
(24:01):
another van, It's like, this is not gonna this is
not gonna work for us, Okay, there's three news crews
on this bus here and we all need to get
there screws. Okay, look, I'm just telling you what's going on. Bus.
We've chartered a bus. Newscrew, newscrew. Hello, just grew up here?
New crew? Yeah, Hi, Bobby McAvoy, mactime MacLife. Um, how
(24:28):
what is the e t A on getting this tire fixed?
No idea. We're still waiting to hear back. So I
just yeah, someone new new screw. Chuck McAvoy. Uh, this
guy's brother, head of McAvoy Korean Timer. All right, what
(24:50):
do you know about the new screws that are being released?
I don't know. They're threaded differently, I don't know. Alright,
Ladies and gentlemen, were going to start the press conference
for the new screws, um just to get away? Where
is Tim? There's a couple of Yeah, Tim, I don't
think we should start this. I mean, some of the
(25:12):
new screws aren't here to cover the new screws, so
this press release should probably hold until they arrive. You
can do something. These news crews don't want to be
here for the new screw then screw them all right,
question screwed I have a question. Not yet. That's a
I don't think that's a young boy. It's a small person.
(25:35):
I think it's just very elderly man. Sorry, news crew crews.
Is this thing going to leave anytime soon? I don't know. Okay,
I don't know. You keep on asking the questions. Sorry, sorry,
I'm scoop screw you new uh not where your name is?
I don't give a fucking show with your publication? Keys
fucking luck. I'm mad at him. Oh. I mean, we're
(26:01):
the only three news crews in this city because the
rest of the news screws are taking a news cruise
to the Bahamas. Okay, okay, alright, okay, all right, News
crew New Okay, yeah, hi, MCA boy. Does anybody here
know how to change a tire? I do? Mhmm, I
(26:23):
know how to change a tire. Okay, okay, okay, here's
the Here's I just want to throw this out there.
Nine times out of ten, would I'm changing a tire?
I have another tire to put on. M News crew
crew Glass Midnight Action News. Now, Wait, how many are
how many are here? Maybe we do have more than
(26:46):
three news crewise news cruise. I mean the one the
one on the boat. Um, this is supposed to be
a cruise for news cruise, but it seems like we
only have one group. You guys are from. I thought
it was for nudes. Oh, the Nudes cruise is next week.
(27:07):
I thought it was from my band New Shoes. Oh okay, Oh,
this is gonna be even worse for you because the
New Shoes cruise was last week. Excuse me, where's Blues Clues?
Blues Clues is downstairs in the TV room. All right, okay,
so you need to put on some clothes. Yeah, you're right. Okay,
So this is indeed the News Cruise and not the
(27:27):
Nude cruise and not the New Shoes cruise. Correct, it
is the News Cruise. I can't wait. Okay, okay, alright, alright,
so we're on this bus here. We gotta figure this out.
So you're saying, nine times out of ten you usually
have another tire to put on? What about one another time? Uh?
The other time, I just take the tire off and
we used the room. I call it. Let's do what
(27:49):
do you say, cruise? I'm just saying that if we
if we do have a flat, maybe we should get
off the bus and huh, just take the weight off
the bus. So the bus news cruise, News, cruise, gentlemen,
I have a helicopter to catch what is midnight? Where
you going? All? She just chucked onto that ladder. It
(28:12):
just dangled that ladder and she climbed right up it.
God damn it. Glads is gonna get the scoop. Sorry, scoops,
It's okay, guys, we gotta figure this out because if
you know, if we get scooped, scoops get scooped on
this like in trouble. We're in trouble. Okay, okay, okay.
(28:32):
Well have you you've seen The Lord of the Rings,
which version, well, honestly, the whole tale is told of
them taking the long journey and they're on foot and
they just run a great deal of it. O cruise
and nails from truth is out there dot Org. You're
(28:58):
a new crew. Maybe maybe what's happening is that all
the buses are they like in that movie with Stephen
A King, All the busts are coming alive over drive,
over drive, and they're all coming to live. Chris maximum Over,
you got covered in red dots. Uh, oh my god.
(29:22):
He was right. He was right about everything. Doctor we're
bringing in a patient names Gladys cell. She'll say she
was on a rope ladder hanging off a helicopter and
she had a telephone poll. Oh my god, she's gorgeous.
Doctor focus his body on her. Jeez, doctor, we just
need to save her life. Doctor, please focus. I mean,
(29:47):
this is why I'm here, This is why I do
this job. I know you are newly single because of
the divorce. We all heard about that, but I got
newly screwed, newly screwed. Yeah, your wife, doctor, Julius, Julius, julius.
Doctor focus. We need to say, um, we're gonna have
(30:12):
to close down the um price. We're doing a press release.
We can't. We're gonna have to. They're not here and
no one's coming. Did you ever think about that? How much?
How much is it gonna cost us if we just
keep it for I don't know us? Four more offers?
Eight bucks? Like eighty bucks? Yeah, tim, tim, um, excuse me,
(30:36):
excuse me? Just hold on? Are you looking for the
boos closing room? No? Okay, hold on, saying yeah, go ahead,
I need eighty dollars. Oh yeah, here we go, because
we can't hold as much longer we have to get
the word out. It's a screw that screws itself in.
I mean, this is huge in the screw world. I
(30:57):
know we're gonna have this a little bit longer. Here.
Let me just pay this guy that's the property manager.
I guess here's eight bucks. Oh, thank you very much. Okay, Now,
young boy, what is you? What was your question? He's
an old man. Oh sorry, old man? What's he your question?
I was just wondering if everything okay? Oh man, are
(31:22):
you getting the giggles? I'm fine, I'm fine. Okays. Hector's
not in his room. Hector's not in his room. I
don't know how he got out. I don't know how
he got out. The guys eighty six, I don't know
where he went. I don't know how he got there.
But he's not in his room. Any sex actor, actor's
(31:44):
anty sex. They come off the board, all right, news crewpup.
That was a really good job of putting that truth
seeker in the tire to keep it inflated. So now
we are ready to row roll. Is that right? But
I don't know who knows how to drive a bus
like this. I mean, I've driven a bus before I
(32:10):
could give it a shot, scoop scoops. Yeah, yeah, yeah yeah.
I drove an s F Muni truck a bus for
about two and a half weeks until the big quake
took it under. Wow, I thought you just drove a
coop scoop. Yeah, that's what I drive. Now. I'm afraid
to get behind the wheel of a giant bus as
to what happened last time. You know, give it a shot.
(32:31):
We need this, We need this al right, guys, that's
scoop scoop, scoop, scooo, sco scoop. All right, everybody behind
the yellow line, because here we go. What's that? Honey?
You want me to do some carpentry around the house,
(32:52):
Go screw yourself. No not, you dear the screws. They
screw themselves. Now, hey, we we can run it as
many times as you like. We need to wait for
the actress who's playing your wife. You can't just do
all the lines yourself. Look, uh, you book me from
two pm to three pm. I've got another gig at
(33:12):
three Okay, Okay, what's it gonna cost us? What's it
gonna cost us? Well, my standard rate, Okay, it's eighty bucks.
Then for four hours. Guys, I'm sorry, Midnight is not
gonna be able to make it to record apart right now.
She's she's in a terrible accident in turn, stop talking,
you're in you're the wife. Yeah, you're promoted. He's nearly's
(33:36):
attractive as glad as Midnight. Um, we are here. We
want to hear about the news crowd. Go screw yourself? What?
What what is this? Yeah talking to you? I don't
(33:57):
I don't do a press conference for first for bloggers.
Go screw yourself? What's going on here? Hey? New news crew? Newscrew?
What is that the slogan? Orcause he really want us
to screw ourselves? That was an actor? Ladies and gentlemen. Fus,
I'm out of here. I'm sorry. Is their new crew
(34:22):
newscrow news crew? Is there no one here to tell
us what's actually happening? Because we used a guy as
a tire to get here, and I kind of feel
like we need to get the scoop scoop he's a scoop.
Of course, I'm not sure what that means by the tire,
but yes, me and my my vice president here will
tell you about the screw that screws itself, so you
(34:43):
don't have to worry about being We have a man
around a wheel. Uh, miss night, wake up, open your eyes,
a beautiful I'm your doctor, Dr Pervor to the Dr
(35:06):
Perv to the ola. I will be right back by
the way. That tooth looks good on you. Uh. Hey, Gladys,
I'm your nurse, Dr Purveyor. I guess was called away momentarily. Um,
how are you feeling? Okay? Well, I guess I guess
(35:30):
I should be the first to tell you that you're
your career news is over. And you're also not nearly
as beautiful as you were before. Oh and that's our
second scene. So tragic for Gladys Midnight. What a bummer
(35:51):
for her. Our third scene is from Patreon v I P.
Curtis Wilcox, who simply wrote, Craig is Sherlock Holmes. Thanks.
So this apartment is a two bedroom to bath. Um,
(36:11):
somebody already has one room, so you would be taking
the other room. And yeah, is it is it customary
to have just show people places that already have somebody
living in it? I mean no, Yeah, the tenant who's
been here has been here a long time. I live
right downstairs, so uh, dctor, you would. This is close
(36:33):
to the hospital, so if you want to start practicing. Yeah,
I just feel awkward about it. I've never had a
roommate before, and I thought I was looking at one
bedroom apartment and you haven't had a roommate in seventeen years.
This is your roommate. Can you guess his name? Because
he's going to guess. I'm allergic to smoke, so you can't.
(36:57):
Actually smoking is allowed in this building. So oh, as
a matter of fact, you only think you're allergic to smoke.
What you're allergic too is peanuts. Oh yeah, he's good. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
I mean I know I'm allergic to peanuts. I mean,
how did you know I'm allergic to peanuts? Well, the
telltale rash on your own wrist, rash, unrist the first
(37:22):
thing I noticed when you walked in the room. All right,
listen up. Scotland Yard got and announced me. Unfortunately Mr
Holmes has moved to Burbank, California, will no longer be
able to assist us. We'll have to do stuff on
our own. Director, do you want me to get you
another chair? You keep on trying to swing that arm
around the back of the chair. You want to get
you a different one? And now like that one? Yeah?
(37:44):
I know that chair? You. We gonna so be cases
without Sherlock Holmes. I know it's going to be a stratch.
We're gonna have to do our own police for it
for once, but I, for one think we can do
it all right? Then, director, do you want me to
get you a number? Oh? Hey, what's up? Sure luck?
Coming back to the dispensary to re up. I see, yes,
I want that push that I had last week. Oh
(38:07):
you like that sticky iggy guys, don't you? Yes? Yes?
And uh sumedables my friend Dr Watson here, m M okay,
thank you, just cept stuff please, okay, okay, okay, dontal
anybody I work at the hospital. Just really really sorry
to Bart. But then there's been a murder next door?
(38:31):
Can it wait? I mean there's nothing I can do, Honestly,
I'm a doctor. If somebody has been murdered, sounds too
late for me. But there's blood all over this bevmo Well, Watson,
it's a It appears the game is afoot. Sherlock. You
probably shouldn't want that much. Sure shit, that was a
(38:52):
thousand milligrams dude. Oh that was that? What just one day?
Oh ship Sherlock, all right, brought the body up to
your apartment. You're gonna pay me or what? Okay? All right, okay,
are you gonna pay me or what? Man? Okay, I'm
trying to My wallet is in my pants. Come on, man,
(39:15):
hurry up, man, I'm trying to get Look, but if
you don't pay me, I'm gonna pick I'll pay for
the Here. This is the oldest trick in the book
from my new roommate. Here's eighty eighty bucks said eight hundred.
Come on, luck, you said, all right, listen up Scotland,
(39:37):
y'all more news on the shell like comes front. He's
checked into celebrity rehab for a really terrible drug problem.
So we can't even communicate with him if we need
any advice for the next sixty days. There's bloody hell
to the books that. Um my name is Fred Durst
(40:01):
and I am an alcoholic aid and in fact, you
were the lead singer of Limp Biscuit. What this is
an anonymous program? How did you know that? I just
recognized you from the videos? Ah, yes, I'm not any
fancy deduction I was doing. I know it's not my turn,
but I just want to say, Mr Dust, you're if
(40:23):
I had to pick five bands, um, you would be
really the tough one. Really, yes, yes, yes, you have five.
Really I couldn't really feel the other four, but I
know limb Biscuit could fill all five. What I'm sorry, continued,
Please just I feel like, you know, I feel like
I'm always looking for the clues as to what led
(40:44):
me here. You know, how did I end up here?
And I I just don't know. I just don't know,
series of bad choices. Why are you laughing at that? Dude?
Are you talking to me? Yeah? Why? Why guys listen,
Let's uh, let's just break it up for a second.
Door Drew, all right, and I want to make sure
(41:07):
that everyone here knows that Moriarty. Yes, interesting, go up.
So uh, I just want you to know I'm here
for you. I want to care for you, and I
want to also let you know that there's cameras everywhere
and we will be using all the footage in any
way that we want. Okay, Drew, would you like another
(41:27):
chair to put your arm around? Is that why you're
reaching back trying to find I'm trying to find if
you can find another chair, that's fine, if you can
find the angle for so, Just so we're clear, you know,
I want I'm here for you all so I want
to just get to the root of it. Sure, loock,
you come from overseas, yes, but we also live in
(41:47):
the same sea. Do you see? Wow? What kind of
riddle is that? Mariarty? Look, I overcame a cocaine addiction,
all right, and ever since I moved to Burbank, I've
(42:08):
gotten addicted to nibles. They were the shape of gummy worms.
Now I have a new sidekick, Fred Durst. Oh yeah, yeah, Hey, Hey,
it appears Durst the game is a foot great gat,
So I'm gonna make you two accountability partners. All right,
I'm sorry. Are you saying that the victim did it
(42:31):
all for the nookie? I think so. I don't know.
They came into this bath bo they were yelling about
the nookie and how much they wanted it, and then
this massacre happened. All right, Well, let me um, let
me call in Holmes and Durst. It seems like it's
right up their alley. They just got released from celebrity
(42:52):
rehab today. So I've got Durst on auto dial because, um,
I used to be in Sugar Ray and we played
played Warp Tour together one year, so let me how
long ago was that? Yeah, it was, So it's been
a it's been a touch but I still have min here. So,
um are you sugar right? Yeah, Mark McGrath got all
(43:18):
the attention, but Sugar Ray and myself. I was on
the xylophone and they cut me out pretty much the
entire recording session. You can occasionally here a little like
on the end of Like Fly. That's about it. I mean,
it was pretty embarrassing when they kicked me out of
the band after the first Warp Tour. We should get
(43:38):
back to the case. Yeah. Anyways, I'll just give him
a call. We'll get him out here. And he's not
picking up with that on blame up. I mean, well,
it appears, my dear dust that the murderer it was
a gigantic dog. Oh, a gigantic dog. Yes, ask me
(44:02):
how I know that Durst? Come on, Come on, that
Watson was up to speed in no time. Wait, how
do you know it was a large dog because these
tell tale trucks and this distinct pile of dog droppings
which you have stepped in my dear boy, why did
(44:24):
you say tale twice? Dogs only have one tail? Ah?
But does this one have to whoa? Well? All right,
I mean I'm starving, dude. I didn't this body was
from the roommate that you moved me in here with.
You can't kick me out of here for a dead
(44:45):
body in this part. Yeah, Dr Watson, listen, if you
are a real doctor, I work at the Burbank Hospital
just across the way. I mean, I didn't choose the roommate.
You sent me in here with him. And now there's
a body here, and you work in a hospital, so
exto facto, the body's yours. Come on, I helped safe people.
(45:10):
This is a dead body. It's like four or five
days dead. Why don't you take your cane and your
silly limb there you are? Hey, hey, it's son of
a bitch. Six hundred dollars. That wasn't It wasn't. I
didn't want the body to bring this dead body if
you and you're gonna pay me eight hundred bucks. And
I didn't count it until I got on the bus. Hey, Maverick,
(45:34):
you know what I love about your business model, dude,
is that whoever orders the dead body did be moved.
You'll bunk up his friend. You know what I mean?
If people get paid and I love them, dude, I
love that about you. Yeah, just have smoking my weed, man,
all right, but like, what do you like about me? Uh?
(45:55):
Two drinks? Yeah, they're both for me. Um, I don't know.
So you have the straight somebody orders the dead butt?
You bringing up get paid? You fuck up the bread.
Uh yeah, excuse me? Here are you Fred Durst? Oh?
(46:15):
Uh yes, yes, I know. Col guys, guys, look look
at the table over there. Is that is that Julius Firmstein,
that divorced layer. Oh my god, it is a look
at joke at the barst called Jolie or just something
(46:36):
like that, something catchy. You know, it's got to be
an air worm. Now we should just wait for the
other actor and then you can work off of them
if you want. Okay, yeah, all right, he's held up somewhere.
I don't know what the intern is gonna jump in intern,
jump in here. I don't know what that turns. You
want to do the jingle by yourself? Is that what
you're saying, Julius? Okay, bro okay, bringing the answer. Let's
(47:00):
let's hear what he's got. Okay, um oh, this is
a real, real honor. Um. I just never thought i'd
get here, you know, once they kicked me out of
Sugar Ay, I thought my everything was over. And anyways,
it's a big it's a big pleasure. Let's do this,
Let's do this, Let's do this, Sugar Sugar ray. Yeah
(47:24):
that's me. You don't think I exist. You're the best.
You're the best part. Thank you. I really appreciate that.
Once I get kicked out of the band, I got
in the law enforcement for a little while, and that
didn't really do it for me. And it's glad to
be back in entertainment, you know. Okay, so I'll take
the main melody and then you can just do hype
on the side and a little bit of silophone. Yeah great,
that's perfect affair. Looking to get divorced called joulieas one
(47:50):
time little we got it there. Wait hey, hold on,
hold on. He left it out, saying by um oh,
so dude, manh like we're not. I thought we weren't done,
like kicking back, dude, I thought we were. Man, I
thought you started sleep at the bar, just left. I
(48:12):
was just down my downers kicked in, but then I
got so so so how do people find you to
even know that you've moved dead bodies? Look, man, I
don't know. It's my job, all right, I don't know.
Excuse me, excuse me? Is that your bus double parked
out there with the guy wheel? Yeah? It is all right?
(48:33):
What's to your asshole? It's still it's blocking the driveway. Man,
you gotta let people in love a guy, Let me
out of here. You got a problem? Go around, man, Yeah,
go around, dude, We told him. Yeah. Man, look Fred, dude,
what's up? What? Man? I can't hang out with you anymore? Man,
(48:56):
what Look, I know I moved dead bodies around, and
I got fucking crazy drug addictions due. But you're a
bad influence, all right me? Yeah? You are you sure
this is the manuscript you want to submit, Mr Conan Doyle?
And the thing's all over the place that mystery gets
hijacked but dursted, I'm sure. Yeah, uh huh. I've never
(49:22):
known that all these years. Arthur Conan Doyle was an
eighty six year old man named Hector quite the norm
to plume. Well that's the one I want, all right.
Well we'll publish this and see what happens. I feel
like there will be some blowback, and that's how we
(49:44):
solved the murder of the man tire elementary. My dear Durst. Wow, wow,
you've got to have one. You're good, You're good. I'm
Sherlock Holme and this is Burbank and that is our show.
(50:07):
Let's uh, thank you to olcome to see what they're
up to. Craig Atkovsky uh cole. Uh if if people
would listen to a previous episode, we were talking about hippos.
On this episode, we know that a group of hippos
is a bloat. Uh do you know what a group
of rhinos is called? I do not crash crash of rhinos.
(50:29):
So that's what I've been up to. Animal collectives, prick
prickle of porky fines. That's one. That's a good one.
That's a good one. Uh cool, So definitely look how
animal collectives. They're actually really entertaining. Animal collective, I would
have my top. It's really good, really good. They'll play
that concert along with Lutangy about Dylan, Chris Alvarado, Hello,
(50:53):
the Beatles or something? People do love? This? Is it
to please other people? Yeah, I don't know. It just
seems like one of the answers, um get take Penis
in the Schlogs at Chris Alvarado Instagram at the Comedy
Figs another podcast where we discuss and philosophies about comedy.
(51:18):
Thank you nice saying thanks everybody, thanks for having to me.
You can follow me on socials at at a tool
Time A t U L Tamy still not hitting back
hearing from the Indian people listening. So if you're Indian
out there listening to Alchemy This, I'm around. Hit me up.
There you go, James Aeney, I'm just so glad to
(51:38):
be here. And if you want to contact me, you
can get a hold of me through the review section
of your favorite podcast listening platform. This one's from Izzy Lion.
I don't think he's lying. Uh, And the title is
is it weird that I feel like the cast are
my friends? And it goes on to say the majority
of my last leafter stems from listening to Alchemy This.
My Dungeons and Dragons Dungeon mster recommended the show last year.
(52:02):
I quickly consumed all of it. Then I selfishly ignored
James is please for refuse until today. By the way,
they can get kind of blue, but I'm totally here
for it. Keep it weird. That's pretty fantastic, Joey Grahare,
I mean all of it and more. Uh. And if
you're really thinking about it, you know there's there's opportunities.
(52:24):
But the best way to go about it, I'd say is, honestly,
just take a second, you know what I mean, throw
it all down and then look at it and then
just go right A truer words were never said. I'm
at Cole Stratton on Twitter at Stratton Cole on instagram
s f sketch Fest dot com, check out past shows
or whatever else. Uh, this has been really fun, guys.
(52:47):
Let's thanks our engineer and producer Doug Babe and the
fine folks at iHeart Media dot com. Please write to
us at Alchemy this email at gmail dot com. That's
Alchemy this email dot Until next time,
Welcome back to another episode of Alchemy, this COVID edition.
I'm your host Cold Stratton in for Kevin Pollock. Let's
meet her alchemist Shelley. First up, it's Chris Alvarado. Chris
put together a lineup of five musical artists if you
could have like a dream concert. I don't really know
(00:24):
a lot of music. Um, you don't have five bands
you've liked in your entire life. I don't think so,
I'm being honest, Um bands, No, I don't know. I
don't I can't answer the question. I don't know. I
like him hip hop, m I likes jazz, so maybe
like like Woo Tank Clan or something, and then like
(00:47):
Dave Brubeck or something, and then, uh, I don't even know.
I don't know, Bob, I don't know. It's a terrible concert.
Somebody who's such a music guy, tell me what you're
feeling right now. I don't know. It's your concert, man,
I don't care. I don't even know. Hard for me
(01:09):
to narrow down to five, but I didn't think it'd
be the opposite that you couldn't get. I can't name
I can't name five bands. I don't think. Thank you,
I've been Bob Dylan next up and then Aerosmith three times. Alright,
good question, have no problem. What do you think on that?
(01:30):
A month from now you send me your answers. Okay,
Next up, James Heeney. James, I know that you're super
scientific and you do a lot of studies and stuff,
but how many licks does it take to you to
the center of a test ro pop? What's the official
number there? Uh? Well, it's it depends on if you're
going to focus on one side, because you can get
to the center on one side and a little less
(01:50):
than three hundred licks and that's from back a tongue
to tip a tongue. Uh. But if you're rotating, like
if it's instead of like you know what I mean.
So if you go back to uh, that's a little
less than three um. But if you're swirling it, you
could cut your tongue and it's dangerous, so be careful. Alright,
(02:11):
good data to put that to the test. Can I
just add that if you don't have a Patreon, this
might be the best time to get it to see
James explain what he just said. He's meeting himself right now.
Next up, Craig Kikowski. Craig, did you have a VHS
tape you wore out as a kid. It's a movie
(02:32):
you watched ton Uh. Yeah, there was a summer and
I think I've alluded this to this before when my
best friend Toby and I decided we were going to watch, uh,
Purple Rain and this is Spinal Tap every day of
the summer. And I think this must have been because
both of both of those movies came out, and I
(02:53):
think we made it for like a week of having
to watch Purple Rain and Spinal Tap every day. But
I think I don't. I mean, worn out is merely
metaphorical because those tapes still exist at my parents house.
There you go, do you Indeed? It is kind of
sad though, like if stuff you taped off TV, it's
just starts to degenerate or whatever, and it's like you
(03:14):
can't even see it anymore, and eventually you know it
will disappear if you even really care and have those
tapes anymore. But you know, I like family recitals or whatever,
you got to digitize them. I mean, Prince and Spinal
Tap would be in my top five bands for a concert. Definitely,
There you go. I mean, I can come up with
so many. I mean, guys, here one of our favorites
(03:38):
hustle saying, it's all, uh, you're a big Dallas Cowboys fan.
Everybody knows that. But let's say they never existed. What
team do you follow instead in the NFL. That's a good,
very good question, Cole. Thanks for asking. I can give
you five at the least, but I'll start off with
the Chicago Bears. That's probably the first team I watched
UM and the Jim mcman years and I really liked them.
(04:02):
And then I usually whenever I go and live somewhere
for a long time, I usually root for a local
team as well. So when I was in New York,
I was more of a Giants fan, even though their
NFC East as well. Here in l A, I am
pulling for the Rams more than the Chargers. So um, yeah,
I like Green Bay. I mean, I think keep going.
I can just go down the list. Nice. You know,
(04:23):
Chicago Bears could play your dream concert, Chris, I get
to shoot super Bowl shuffle it for a couple of hours. Okay,
so we have Super bowl S shelf from the Bears.
We have spinal tap Prince. I think we're doing good.
I want to hear. Yeah, this is Chicago. You can
just have Chicago as well. You know, Chicago with the
Chicago Bears mashup be pretty great? Uh great? And finally,
(04:43):
last but not least, you know him, Joey Greer. Joey
Uh God, I hear you got hired to write a
brand new movie introducing new characters to the Marvel Cinematic Universe.
Tell us a little bit about him. Guy, I am
so stoked to talk about this. I cannot believe this
is the first time I'm allowed to say this. I'm
I'm out. I'm outside the contract islands where they say
(05:05):
you can't talk about this, you can't talk about this.
But even better news, they're saying I should talk about
this because you're not. You're gonna love This is a
new character, a whole new uh storyline that's gonna be
popping up here. This is phase seven in the m
c U. I know we're on phase six, but this
is phase seven, so this is gonna be coming down
just a little little bit later. So what if this
character I have here is nuts. His name is is
(05:29):
Blimbo and he's got he's a clown. Craig played him
at one point. Uh, he's a cop exactly. You're gonna
love it. Great, Craig will look forward to those checks. Uh,
(05:49):
let's do a damn show, everybody. All of our seen
suggestions are gathered from listeners, emails, or from our Patreon
v I p s to become a Patreon supporter of
the show and enjoy exclusive content and their perks, just
head on over to Patreon dot com slash alchemy this.
If you'd like to submit a scene suggestion via email,
please write to the podcast at our new email address,
(06:10):
alchemy This email at gmail dot com. That's alchemy com.
Scene one is from Ophelia, who wrote simple scene suggestion
phone sex line. Thanks Ophelia, maybe, um, maybe are you
(06:36):
going to answer that phone? Yeah? Yeah, it's just um
its first? What I mean? First? First, David getting too bed? Okay, baby,
why don't you go to sleep. I'll take this call
on the work in the morning. Yes, of course, I'll
(06:56):
keep it down. Mhm ha ha I have my I
want my fantasies to come true. Well, thank you for
calling the fantasy hot line. Where your fantasy is my
hot line? Good slogan. I like it a lot. So
(07:18):
how do we do this. How does this go? I
had this my first time. Call an animal nervous got
him in a little nervous. Okay, okay, no problem. Um
uh you just you just picture a scenario that would
make you so hot, and you tell me that scenario
nice and slow, and then I'll I'll listen to you.
(07:39):
Uh so I had to do the heavy lifting. That's
how this goes? What makes you hot? Jee has a
lot of a lot of question. I'm trying to give
me one second. I'm so sorry, but no, I was
just I was just getting my cigarettes. I'm sorry. You
shouldn't smoke in bird. No, I'm thinking how I'm going
to that? I'm going literally I can't sleep. I love you? Okay,
(08:03):
what are you saying? All right? Am I being charged
for that downtime? I know it's per minute here and
I just want to make sure can I get pro rated?
Make okay? Um? So thank you. I've got some weird fetishes. Um.
The thing that I mostly like is watching the hunger
Hungry hippos eat every single marble that just like that
(08:26):
makes me crazy. Oh yeah, so maybe like we can
pretend we're playing hungry Hungry hippo. Huh yeah, that's so hot. Okay,
here's which which which hippo? Are you? Which color? Probably purple?
And okay, I don't know what are the colors? I
(08:47):
think there is purple. It depends on the addition in
the year. But you can be the purple one. That's fine.
I'll be I'll be red. Oh my god, what color
are you gonna be? Red? Oh my god? That is
so hot? Bring bring okay, give me one second. Hello. Yeah,
(09:07):
it's Terry. I'm calling from my eleven thirty. Oh hi, Terry,
thanks calling the sexual hotline where you're sexual. Wa Wait,
worse Phil, this is not Phil's voice? What's up? Worse Phil? Um?
I don't know? Is filling your fantasies? No? Phil knows
what I like. He knows I like to be talked
to as as different celebrities. That's my thing. That puts
(09:29):
me in a great mood. Why don't I fill in
your fantasy? Phil? You're no your Phil, your your your friends.
Feel okay, just just give me some impressions so I
can just not just smoke in the bedroom. Could you
put sorry babe? And oh my god, you look fantastic.
(09:49):
It's it's like you got like new jewelry on your clothes.
Just look, that's crazy. Are you familiar with the word entrepreneur?
I am business owner? Look whatever it is. Yes, I
want to be my own business. What's going on? What
do I have to do? Okay, well, hold on. Do
you like money? Yes? Yes, I'm in. Yes, Yes, I'm in. Okay,
(10:14):
Well I'm gonna throw you. I'm gonna. I'm gonna. It's
gonna trial by fire. Okay, okay, welcome to your new career.
Give me one second. Booooooo, I've been on a hole
for seventeen hours now. Um is really expensive? And don't
allan to finish a game of hunger hungry hippos? And Uh?
(10:34):
I don't know. I don't know. I feel like I
need to fund Guess who just showed up the yellow hippo? What?
What am I doing? What is it? Start talking? Start talking? Hello?
I am I'm just told just start talking. So here
I go. UM, I don't know. Are you familiar with
(10:56):
press on nails? Uh? I can offer you right now
a one time deal of sixty nails available to your
doorstep in the next three days for the low low
price of two hundred dollars. I'm sorry, how much supposed
to jack off to this what thing dong thing dong? Hello, Yeah,
(11:23):
I got a package of sixty press on nails. Just
needs you to sign right here, you Timothy Whitener. I
am Timothy Whitener. Alright, just sign right there. Now. You
gotta use your own pen. Uh, I don't. I don't
know if I have a pen. You don't have a
pen in your entire this is what is this like
a three bedroom? Too bad? Yeah, I mean I'm sure
I have a pen somewhere, but like, I don't think
(11:45):
I ordered sixty lee press on nails. I'm sorry, are
you Timothy Whitener? I am Timothy Whitener. Yeah, okay, you
ordered some press on nails, So if you could just
sign it, okay, Yes, I mean I supposed it could
be my my ex wife, sir, my job I got.
I got like forty more deliveries today. All right, I understand.
(12:07):
I'm sorry. I don't want to want to hold you up,
but I really my my ex wife left me a
couple of months ago, and uh, she took most of
the pens. To be honest, that's rough A good attorney.
Huh actually had a great attorney. No, Uh, what's there,
what's what's her attorney's name, Julius Bernstein. Oh yeah, yeah,
(12:28):
I've seen I've seen that. If you're a good and
divorced called you it's an earworm, right, yeah, it gets
in there. Yeah, yea yeah, I have no use for
Lee press on. Okay, take your plane pulled off. Look
at that your new range rover. All those phone calls
you've been making have paid off. Baby, you did it.
(12:49):
You're gonna get job. You're a boss, bitch, your your
your business, lady. It's amazing. This is Oh my god,
this is crazy. This is so much. I just didn't
think three months after my four we're doing right, you
know what it is. We're doing right, selling press on nails.
You're so crazy, this is nuts. I've already got sixteen
(13:12):
people to work underneath me, and I'm already having all
the shipments go to us. And trust me, it's not
a pyramid scheme. It's not a pyramid scheme. And people
are getting hot from this. Yeah, people love it. People
are just super excited. It's like nuts, Hey, will you
come in, come in my house and me real quick,
I'm gonna I'm gonna divorce my husband. Well I just
sure in my car. But okay, well we'll look at
(13:34):
it a second. Bab oh yeah, actually could you come
in the kitchen? Yeah, come in? They fell just looking
over the accounts. It's uh, I don't know. I feel
like we're doing pretty good right now. Yeah, I'm doing
pretty good. You're gonna be getting a call from Julius
bourbon Stein soon. What I want to divorce? Hey, if
(13:54):
you're getting nut you, I guess. So why what's going on?
I thought? Should I be here for this? Yes? Rose Rose,
We're gonna have some Rose baby, I hope give me
(14:14):
one second for me. No, yeah, hello, hello, I speak
to fell plate Um. Phil is no longer with us.
How can I turn you on? H This is Juliet
bb oh hey hi hi, um, yes, yes this is Phil,
(14:38):
this is Felt. This is Phil. You are Phil? I
mean not really but yeah. People didn't call asking for Phil,
but it's my number. Anyway, I am hiring you Phil. It.
I'm just so sorry you're going through this. Um, just
it's it's a love. Yeah. Here's the thing. It's weird.
Is I used to get such good. I used to
(15:00):
I have a pretty successful sex line and I do
celebrity impressions. I wants to a while do house calls
to this or that, and then nobody calls me anymore.
Now my wife's leaving me. Well, I mean, I don't
know what to say. I've heard I have heard her
say that. What she answered the phones? Yes, this is Phil,
(15:23):
I thought, I that's just crazy. She makes me feel
like I'm crazy. She says, No, I didn't say that afterwards. Yeah,
I don't know. I don't know what to say. Look,
I got a new land Rover. I really want to
test dride and this is like a really like ft
up kind of situation. I just don't you know what
I mean? Are you asking me to take a test
(15:45):
ride in your land Rover? What do you asking me?
Jarlus Um, thanks for taking my case. I just I
feel like I was kept on that phone sex line
for many many days, and you know the banks for
closing on my high else and uh, I just uh,
I need to You don't have to explain yourself to
be friend. That is outrageous. And your fantasy was never granted,
(16:10):
was it? Now? If we never put the marvels in play,
it was we just we were as side hippos. But
as far as it went. Look, we're gonna take them
for all their worth, uh cash value automobiles, and you're
gonna be swimming and Hippo's my friend. That's the dream.
(16:31):
That's the dream. Thank you for taking it. M h.
Dennett's coming the hell? Who are you? Uh um um
barrel Okay, I'm coming from like a Ferrell cat. It's
(16:58):
f Or. I'm looking for my ex husband, Dennis. It's
actually a traditional Greek name, so he goes by his
first name whenever, Thomas Whitmer, whatever the hell whatever my
ex has been like four months, I forgot Farrell. Who
(17:19):
is it? Mr wer here? What the hell are you
doing here? God, so much has happened. I look you
(17:41):
you try to stick it to me by ordering me
a bunch of lee press on nails. You took all
my pens. And then Farrell, you know, he was this
nice delivery guy, showed up. We fell in love. We
we live here together now, Oh my god, I want
to get back honey. No, I've moved on. I heard
(18:03):
I heard Julius Bourbonstein. J It's just it's just I'm
this class action lawsuits just dream. I had to give
up my land rover. I just got a new one.
I had to give that up. Everything. Please, what would
(18:25):
all right? The honorable Judge paris rising, please entering the
car room. Everybody here in the case of Hippo and
White nerve versus fantasy line right, your honor high, your honor. Yeah,
I'll address you, alright, go ahead, everyone, Just just for
(18:47):
the record of everyone, state your names that way I
have them correctly, Your honor Julius Bourbonstein for the plaintiffs.
Good to see you again, Julie. You know if you divors. Yeah,
I'm sorry. I'm impartial, though I can't. Can't sing along
(19:07):
all right? Uh, and introduce your your client there, Yeah,
introduced me. Okay, I'll induce myself. First of all, Hi,
good morning and hello. Second of all, it's a beautiful day.
Your honor objection. Julius berber Steed is the prosecution hand
the defense. I don't see how this is gonna work.
(19:31):
I'm gonna allow it. Okay. Look, I'm also I'm representing
the plate deff at the defendant. Okay, it seems like
it saves us money somehow. I'm Timothy Whitner. Uh, Julius
bourbon Stet is my attorney. This is my lover Ferrell,
my ex wife. What's my name? No, I was, I
(19:55):
was married to Phil. Phil's here in the house. I
feel it's me. It's me back here. No, now I'm
a note. Say that you're Phil? Do I have that incorrect?
I do go by Phil sometimes? Yes? Is that confusing?
Can I Can I approach the bench judge? Yeah? Yeah,
I'm gonna allowed. Listen, she answers. I think that this
(20:19):
is what I think happened. I think she hijacked my
Jack offline. I had a successful business. Say that again,
I write this down. That could be a good That
could be a good jingle. Yeah, yeah, Hi Jack the
Jack off line college Julius. Well, unfortunately I don't have
(20:40):
the line anymore. Well that's Julius. So I think my
wife took my jack off line and she's been answering
as Phil. But that's not her name. Can you get
to the part where there was a crime committed? Oh,
I believe that she's stolen my identification and then she
got divorced using this. This actually was her lawyer, your honor.
(21:01):
I thought this was a civil case. This is a
civil case. Uh you, Mr Phil, Uh, this case is dismissed.
I'm gonna go have a someway. I was dismissed. I
feel like I didn't get any justice. I mean nothing
at all. I'm thanks for closed to my house. And yeah, well,
(21:23):
I mean here you go. This is a nice little
one room apartment here. Alright. My only rule is this?
All right? No dogs? Do you understand? Yeah? I understand.
All right? Any dogs in here, you're out. You get me.
How do you feel about hippos? Is that a joke? Yeah?
You want a sixty ton animal in here that needs
(21:44):
constant water and I don't know how much food. I'm
just asking. I don't think I have one. Mr Horner.
You're on the fifth floor. Do you actually think this
building is structurally sound to hold that kind of animal? Okay,
so I forget I asked. You know what I'm sending
your app location? Oh no, hi, I'm here to look
(22:05):
um here to see the one bedroom. Oh yes, right
this way, of course? Are you looking at me? Up
and down? You got me? Yeah, that's okay, that's okay,
that's okay. No, no, no, So right up here right
(22:31):
here is this is it? This is open floor plan
right here. The toilet is right next to the bed
and no bathtub, no shower. Uh, and there is there
is a hot plate over it. Okay, this is nice.
This is nice. And the animals loud no dogs actually
(22:54):
for you? Uh all right, that's our first nation. We've
gotten into apartment rentals. I think he's The scene too,
(23:18):
is from Patriot Alchemy Inniac Nicholas Mark Power, who wrote, Hi, Kevin,
what's up? Yes, I'm referring to the short lived fat
of putting cheese whiz and catch up on waffles. Good times,
but lots of tummy sorrow after anyhow. Scene suggestion three
news crews at a New Screws Corp. Presser. I love
(23:40):
you all, except Craig because he is better than that. Nicholas.
I'm sorry, guess, but this flat tire. This is pretty bad.
Don't know we're gonna be able to make it to
that New Screw convention, but we're a new Screw. We've
got to cover the New Screw press. I understand that.
I understand that. Look, I'm doing the best I can.
I've I've called the the headquarters. If they can't send
(24:01):
another van, It's like, this is not gonna this is
not gonna work for us, Okay, there's three news crews
on this bus here and we all need to get
there screws. Okay, look, I'm just telling you what's going on. Bus.
We've chartered a bus. Newscrew, newscrew. Hello, just grew up here?
New crew? Yeah, Hi, Bobby McAvoy, mactime MacLife. Um, how
(24:28):
what is the e t A on getting this tire fixed?
No idea. We're still waiting to hear back. So I
just yeah, someone new new screw. Chuck McAvoy. Uh, this
guy's brother, head of McAvoy Korean Timer. All right, what
(24:50):
do you know about the new screws that are being released?
I don't know. They're threaded differently, I don't know. Alright,
Ladies and gentlemen, were going to start the press conference
for the new screws, um just to get away? Where
is Tim? There's a couple of Yeah, Tim, I don't
think we should start this. I mean, some of the
(25:12):
new screws aren't here to cover the new screws, so
this press release should probably hold until they arrive. You
can do something. These news crews don't want to be
here for the new screw then screw them all right,
question screwed I have a question. Not yet. That's a
I don't think that's a young boy. It's a small person.
(25:35):
I think it's just very elderly man. Sorry, news crew crews.
Is this thing going to leave anytime soon? I don't know. Okay,
I don't know. You keep on asking the questions. Sorry, sorry,
I'm scoop screw you new uh not where your name is?
I don't give a fucking show with your publication? Keys
fucking luck. I'm mad at him. Oh. I mean, we're
(26:01):
the only three news crews in this city because the
rest of the news screws are taking a news cruise
to the Bahamas. Okay, okay, alright, okay, all right, News
crew New Okay, yeah, hi, MCA boy. Does anybody here
know how to change a tire? I do? Mhmm, I
(26:23):
know how to change a tire. Okay, okay, okay, here's
the Here's I just want to throw this out there.
Nine times out of ten, would I'm changing a tire?
I have another tire to put on. M News crew
crew Glass Midnight Action News. Now, Wait, how many are
how many are here? Maybe we do have more than
(26:46):
three news crewise news cruise. I mean the one the
one on the boat. Um, this is supposed to be
a cruise for news cruise, but it seems like we
only have one group. You guys are from. I thought
it was for nudes. Oh, the Nudes cruise is next week.
(27:07):
I thought it was from my band New Shoes. Oh okay, Oh,
this is gonna be even worse for you because the
New Shoes cruise was last week. Excuse me, where's Blues Clues?
Blues Clues is downstairs in the TV room. All right, okay,
so you need to put on some clothes. Yeah, you're right. Okay,
So this is indeed the News Cruise and not the
(27:27):
Nude cruise and not the New Shoes cruise. Correct, it
is the News Cruise. I can't wait. Okay, okay, alright, alright,
so we're on this bus here. We gotta figure this out.
So you're saying, nine times out of ten you usually
have another tire to put on? What about one another time? Uh?
The other time, I just take the tire off and
we used the room. I call it. Let's do what
(27:49):
do you say, cruise? I'm just saying that if we
if we do have a flat, maybe we should get
off the bus and huh, just take the weight off
the bus. So the bus news cruise, News, cruise, gentlemen,
I have a helicopter to catch what is midnight? Where
you going? All? She just chucked onto that ladder. It
(28:12):
just dangled that ladder and she climbed right up it.
God damn it. Glads is gonna get the scoop. Sorry, scoops,
It's okay, guys, we gotta figure this out because if
you know, if we get scooped, scoops get scooped on
this like in trouble. We're in trouble. Okay, okay, okay.
(28:32):
Well have you you've seen The Lord of the Rings,
which version, well, honestly, the whole tale is told of
them taking the long journey and they're on foot and
they just run a great deal of it. O cruise
and nails from truth is out there dot Org. You're
(28:58):
a new crew. Maybe maybe what's happening is that all
the buses are they like in that movie with Stephen
A King, All the busts are coming alive over drive,
over drive, and they're all coming to live. Chris maximum Over,
you got covered in red dots. Uh, oh my god.
(29:22):
He was right. He was right about everything. Doctor we're
bringing in a patient names Gladys cell. She'll say she
was on a rope ladder hanging off a helicopter and
she had a telephone poll. Oh my god, she's gorgeous.
Doctor focus his body on her. Jeez, doctor, we just
need to save her life. Doctor, please focus. I mean,
(29:47):
this is why I'm here, This is why I do
this job. I know you are newly single because of
the divorce. We all heard about that, but I got
newly screwed, newly screwed. Yeah, your wife, doctor, Julius, Julius, julius.
Doctor focus. We need to say, um, we're gonna have
(30:12):
to close down the um price. We're doing a press release.
We can't. We're gonna have to. They're not here and
no one's coming. Did you ever think about that? How much?
How much is it gonna cost us if we just
keep it for I don't know us? Four more offers?
Eight bucks? Like eighty bucks? Yeah, tim, tim, um, excuse me,
(30:36):
excuse me? Just hold on? Are you looking for the
boos closing room? No? Okay, hold on, saying yeah, go ahead,
I need eighty dollars. Oh yeah, here we go, because
we can't hold as much longer we have to get
the word out. It's a screw that screws itself in.
I mean, this is huge in the screw world. I
(30:57):
know we're gonna have this a little bit longer. Here.
Let me just pay this guy that's the property manager.
I guess here's eight bucks. Oh, thank you very much. Okay, Now,
young boy, what is you? What was your question? He's
an old man. Oh sorry, old man? What's he your question?
I was just wondering if everything okay? Oh man, are
(31:22):
you getting the giggles? I'm fine, I'm fine. Okays. Hector's
not in his room. Hector's not in his room. I
don't know how he got out. I don't know how
he got out. The guys eighty six, I don't know
where he went. I don't know how he got there.
But he's not in his room. Any sex actor, actor's
(31:44):
anty sex. They come off the board, all right, news crewpup.
That was a really good job of putting that truth
seeker in the tire to keep it inflated. So now
we are ready to row roll. Is that right? But
I don't know who knows how to drive a bus
like this. I mean, I've driven a bus before I
(32:10):
could give it a shot, scoop scoops. Yeah, yeah, yeah yeah.
I drove an s F Muni truck a bus for
about two and a half weeks until the big quake
took it under. Wow, I thought you just drove a
coop scoop. Yeah, that's what I drive. Now. I'm afraid
to get behind the wheel of a giant bus as
to what happened last time. You know, give it a shot.
(32:31):
We need this, We need this al right, guys, that's
scoop scoop, scoop, scooo, sco scoop. All right, everybody behind
the yellow line, because here we go. What's that? Honey?
You want me to do some carpentry around the house,
(32:52):
Go screw yourself. No not, you dear the screws. They
screw themselves. Now, hey, we we can run it as
many times as you like. We need to wait for
the actress who's playing your wife. You can't just do
all the lines yourself. Look, uh, you book me from
two pm to three pm. I've got another gig at
(33:12):
three Okay, Okay, what's it gonna cost us? What's it
gonna cost us? Well, my standard rate, Okay, it's eighty bucks.
Then for four hours. Guys, I'm sorry, Midnight is not
gonna be able to make it to record apart right now.
She's she's in a terrible accident in turn, stop talking,
you're in you're the wife. Yeah, you're promoted. He's nearly's
(33:36):
attractive as glad as Midnight. Um, we are here. We
want to hear about the news crowd. Go screw yourself? What?
What what is this? Yeah talking to you? I don't
(33:57):
I don't do a press conference for first for bloggers.
Go screw yourself? What's going on here? Hey? New news crew? Newscrew?
What is that the slogan? Orcause he really want us
to screw ourselves? That was an actor? Ladies and gentlemen. Fus,
I'm out of here. I'm sorry. Is their new crew
(34:22):
newscrow news crew? Is there no one here to tell
us what's actually happening? Because we used a guy as
a tire to get here, and I kind of feel
like we need to get the scoop scoop he's a scoop.
Of course, I'm not sure what that means by the tire,
but yes, me and my my vice president here will
tell you about the screw that screws itself, so you
(34:43):
don't have to worry about being We have a man
around a wheel. Uh, miss night, wake up, open your eyes,
a beautiful I'm your doctor, Dr Pervor to the Dr
(35:06):
Perv to the ola. I will be right back by
the way. That tooth looks good on you. Uh. Hey, Gladys,
I'm your nurse, Dr Purveyor. I guess was called away momentarily. Um,
how are you feeling? Okay? Well, I guess I guess
(35:30):
I should be the first to tell you that you're
your career news is over. And you're also not nearly
as beautiful as you were before. Oh and that's our
second scene. So tragic for Gladys Midnight. What a bummer
(35:51):
for her. Our third scene is from Patreon v I P.
Curtis Wilcox, who simply wrote, Craig is Sherlock Holmes. Thanks.
So this apartment is a two bedroom to bath. Um,
(36:11):
somebody already has one room, so you would be taking
the other room. And yeah, is it is it customary
to have just show people places that already have somebody
living in it? I mean no, Yeah, the tenant who's
been here has been here a long time. I live
right downstairs, so uh, dctor, you would. This is close
(36:33):
to the hospital, so if you want to start practicing. Yeah,
I just feel awkward about it. I've never had a
roommate before, and I thought I was looking at one
bedroom apartment and you haven't had a roommate in seventeen years.
This is your roommate. Can you guess his name? Because
he's going to guess. I'm allergic to smoke, so you can't.
(36:57):
Actually smoking is allowed in this building. So oh, as
a matter of fact, you only think you're allergic to smoke.
What you're allergic too is peanuts. Oh yeah, he's good. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
I mean I know I'm allergic to peanuts. I mean,
how did you know I'm allergic to peanuts? Well, the
telltale rash on your own wrist, rash, unrist the first
(37:22):
thing I noticed when you walked in the room. All right,
listen up. Scotland Yard got and announced me. Unfortunately Mr
Holmes has moved to Burbank, California, will no longer be
able to assist us. We'll have to do stuff on
our own. Director, do you want me to get you
another chair? You keep on trying to swing that arm
around the back of the chair. You want to get
you a different one? And now like that one? Yeah?
(37:44):
I know that chair? You. We gonna so be cases
without Sherlock Holmes. I know it's going to be a stratch.
We're gonna have to do our own police for it
for once, but I, for one think we can do
it all right? Then, director, do you want me to
get you a number? Oh? Hey, what's up? Sure luck?
Coming back to the dispensary to re up. I see, yes,
I want that push that I had last week. Oh
(38:07):
you like that sticky iggy guys, don't you? Yes? Yes?
And uh sumedables my friend Dr Watson here, m M okay,
thank you, just cept stuff please, okay, okay, okay, dontal
anybody I work at the hospital. Just really really sorry
to Bart. But then there's been a murder next door?
(38:31):
Can it wait? I mean there's nothing I can do, Honestly,
I'm a doctor. If somebody has been murdered, sounds too
late for me. But there's blood all over this bevmo Well, Watson,
it's a It appears the game is afoot. Sherlock. You
probably shouldn't want that much. Sure shit, that was a
(38:52):
thousand milligrams dude. Oh that was that? What just one day?
Oh ship Sherlock, all right, brought the body up to
your apartment. You're gonna pay me or what? Okay? All right, okay,
are you gonna pay me or what? Man? Okay, I'm
trying to My wallet is in my pants. Come on, man,
(39:15):
hurry up, man, I'm trying to get Look, but if
you don't pay me, I'm gonna pick I'll pay for
the Here. This is the oldest trick in the book
from my new roommate. Here's eighty eighty bucks said eight hundred.
Come on, luck, you said, all right, listen up Scotland,
(39:37):
y'all more news on the shell like comes front. He's
checked into celebrity rehab for a really terrible drug problem.
So we can't even communicate with him if we need
any advice for the next sixty days. There's bloody hell
to the books that. Um my name is Fred Durst
(40:01):
and I am an alcoholic aid and in fact, you
were the lead singer of Limp Biscuit. What this is
an anonymous program? How did you know that? I just
recognized you from the videos? Ah, yes, I'm not any
fancy deduction I was doing. I know it's not my turn,
but I just want to say, Mr Dust, you're if
(40:23):
I had to pick five bands, um, you would be
really the tough one. Really, yes, yes, yes, you have five.
Really I couldn't really feel the other four, but I
know limb Biscuit could fill all five. What I'm sorry, continued,
Please just I feel like, you know, I feel like
I'm always looking for the clues as to what led
(40:44):
me here. You know, how did I end up here?
And I I just don't know. I just don't know,
series of bad choices. Why are you laughing at that? Dude?
Are you talking to me? Yeah? Why? Why guys listen,
Let's uh, let's just break it up for a second.
Door Drew, all right, and I want to make sure
(41:07):
that everyone here knows that Moriarty. Yes, interesting, go up.
So uh, I just want you to know I'm here
for you. I want to care for you, and I
want to also let you know that there's cameras everywhere
and we will be using all the footage in any
way that we want. Okay, Drew, would you like another
(41:27):
chair to put your arm around? Is that why you're
reaching back trying to find I'm trying to find if
you can find another chair, that's fine, if you can
find the angle for so, Just so we're clear, you know,
I want I'm here for you all so I want
to just get to the root of it. Sure, loock,
you come from overseas, yes, but we also live in
(41:47):
the same sea. Do you see? Wow? What kind of
riddle is that? Mariarty? Look, I overcame a cocaine addiction,
all right, and ever since I moved to Burbank, I've
(42:08):
gotten addicted to nibles. They were the shape of gummy worms.
Now I have a new sidekick, Fred Durst. Oh yeah, yeah, Hey, Hey,
it appears Durst the game is a foot great gat,
So I'm gonna make you two accountability partners. All right,
I'm sorry. Are you saying that the victim did it
(42:31):
all for the nookie? I think so. I don't know.
They came into this bath bo they were yelling about
the nookie and how much they wanted it, and then
this massacre happened. All right, Well, let me um, let
me call in Holmes and Durst. It seems like it's
right up their alley. They just got released from celebrity
(42:52):
rehab today. So I've got Durst on auto dial because, um,
I used to be in Sugar Ray and we played
played Warp Tour together one year, so let me how
long ago was that? Yeah, it was, So it's been
a it's been a touch but I still have min here. So,
um are you sugar right? Yeah, Mark McGrath got all
(43:18):
the attention, but Sugar Ray and myself. I was on
the xylophone and they cut me out pretty much the
entire recording session. You can occasionally here a little like
on the end of Like Fly. That's about it. I mean,
it was pretty embarrassing when they kicked me out of
the band after the first Warp Tour. We should get
(43:38):
back to the case. Yeah. Anyways, I'll just give him
a call. We'll get him out here. And he's not
picking up with that on blame up. I mean, well,
it appears, my dear dust that the murderer it was
a gigantic dog. Oh, a gigantic dog. Yes, ask me
(44:02):
how I know that Durst? Come on, Come on, that
Watson was up to speed in no time. Wait, how
do you know it was a large dog because these
tell tale trucks and this distinct pile of dog droppings
which you have stepped in my dear boy, why did
(44:24):
you say tale twice? Dogs only have one tail? Ah?
But does this one have to whoa? Well? All right,
I mean I'm starving, dude. I didn't this body was
from the roommate that you moved me in here with.
You can't kick me out of here for a dead
(44:45):
body in this part. Yeah, Dr Watson, listen, if you
are a real doctor, I work at the Burbank Hospital
just across the way. I mean, I didn't choose the roommate.
You sent me in here with him. And now there's
a body here, and you work in a hospital, so
exto facto, the body's yours. Come on, I helped safe people.
(45:10):
This is a dead body. It's like four or five
days dead. Why don't you take your cane and your
silly limb there you are? Hey, hey, it's son of
a bitch. Six hundred dollars. That wasn't It wasn't. I
didn't want the body to bring this dead body if
you and you're gonna pay me eight hundred bucks. And
I didn't count it until I got on the bus. Hey, Maverick,
(45:34):
you know what I love about your business model, dude,
is that whoever orders the dead body did be moved.
You'll bunk up his friend. You know what I mean?
If people get paid and I love them, dude, I
love that about you. Yeah, just have smoking my weed, man,
all right, but like, what do you like about me? Uh?
(45:55):
Two drinks? Yeah, they're both for me. Um, I don't know.
So you have the straight somebody orders the dead butt?
You bringing up get paid? You fuck up the bread.
Uh yeah, excuse me? Here are you Fred Durst? Oh?
(46:15):
Uh yes, yes, I know. Col guys, guys, look look
at the table over there. Is that is that Julius Firmstein,
that divorced layer. Oh my god, it is a look
at joke at the barst called Jolie or just something
(46:36):
like that, something catchy. You know, it's got to be
an air worm. Now we should just wait for the
other actor and then you can work off of them
if you want. Okay, yeah, all right, he's held up somewhere.
I don't know what the intern is gonna jump in intern,
jump in here. I don't know what that turns. You
want to do the jingle by yourself? Is that what
you're saying, Julius? Okay, bro okay, bringing the answer. Let's
(47:00):
let's hear what he's got. Okay, um oh, this is
a real, real honor. Um. I just never thought i'd
get here, you know, once they kicked me out of
Sugar Ay, I thought my everything was over. And anyways,
it's a big it's a big pleasure. Let's do this,
Let's do this, Let's do this, Sugar Sugar ray. Yeah
(47:24):
that's me. You don't think I exist. You're the best.
You're the best part. Thank you. I really appreciate that.
Once I get kicked out of the band, I got
in the law enforcement for a little while, and that
didn't really do it for me. And it's glad to
be back in entertainment, you know. Okay, so I'll take
the main melody and then you can just do hype
on the side and a little bit of silophone. Yeah great,
that's perfect affair. Looking to get divorced called joulieas one
(47:50):
time little we got it there. Wait hey, hold on,
hold on. He left it out, saying by um oh,
so dude, manh like we're not. I thought we weren't done,
like kicking back, dude, I thought we were. Man, I
thought you started sleep at the bar, just left. I
(48:12):
was just down my downers kicked in, but then I
got so so so how do people find you to
even know that you've moved dead bodies? Look, man, I
don't know. It's my job, all right, I don't know.
Excuse me, excuse me? Is that your bus double parked
out there with the guy wheel? Yeah? It is all right?
(48:33):
What's to your asshole? It's still it's blocking the driveway. Man,
you gotta let people in love a guy, Let me
out of here. You got a problem? Go around, man, Yeah,
go around, dude, We told him. Yeah. Man, look Fred, dude,
what's up? What? Man? I can't hang out with you anymore? Man,
(48:56):
what Look, I know I moved dead bodies around, and
I got fucking crazy drug addictions due. But you're a
bad influence, all right me? Yeah? You are you sure
this is the manuscript you want to submit, Mr Conan Doyle?
And the thing's all over the place that mystery gets
hijacked but dursted, I'm sure. Yeah, uh huh. I've never
(49:22):
known that all these years. Arthur Conan Doyle was an
eighty six year old man named Hector quite the norm
to plume. Well that's the one I want, all right.
Well we'll publish this and see what happens. I feel
like there will be some blowback, and that's how we
(49:44):
solved the murder of the man tire elementary. My dear Durst. Wow, wow,
you've got to have one. You're good, You're good. I'm
Sherlock Holme and this is Burbank and that is our show.
(50:07):
Let's uh, thank you to olcome to see what they're
up to. Craig Atkovsky uh cole. Uh if if people
would listen to a previous episode, we were talking about hippos.
On this episode, we know that a group of hippos
is a bloat. Uh do you know what a group
of rhinos is called? I do not crash crash of rhinos.
(50:29):
So that's what I've been up to. Animal collectives, prick
prickle of porky fines. That's one. That's a good one.
That's a good one. Uh cool, So definitely look how
animal collectives. They're actually really entertaining. Animal collective, I would
have my top. It's really good, really good. They'll play
that concert along with Lutangy about Dylan, Chris Alvarado, Hello,
(50:53):
the Beatles or something? People do love? This? Is it
to please other people? Yeah, I don't know. It just
seems like one of the answers, um get take Penis
in the Schlogs at Chris Alvarado Instagram at the Comedy
Figs another podcast where we discuss and philosophies about comedy.
(51:18):
Thank you nice saying thanks everybody, thanks for having to me.
You can follow me on socials at at a tool
Time A t U L Tamy still not hitting back
hearing from the Indian people listening. So if you're Indian
out there listening to Alchemy This, I'm around. Hit me up.
There you go, James Aeney, I'm just so glad to
(51:38):
be here. And if you want to contact me, you
can get a hold of me through the review section
of your favorite podcast listening platform. This one's from Izzy Lion.
I don't think he's lying. Uh, And the title is
is it weird that I feel like the cast are
my friends? And it goes on to say the majority
of my last leafter stems from listening to Alchemy This.
My Dungeons and Dragons Dungeon mster recommended the show last year.
(52:02):
I quickly consumed all of it. Then I selfishly ignored
James is please for refuse until today. By the way,
they can get kind of blue, but I'm totally here
for it. Keep it weird. That's pretty fantastic, Joey Grahare,
I mean all of it and more. Uh. And if
you're really thinking about it, you know there's there's opportunities.
(52:24):
But the best way to go about it, I'd say is, honestly,
just take a second, you know what I mean, throw
it all down and then look at it and then
just go right A truer words were never said. I'm
at Cole Stratton on Twitter at Stratton Cole on instagram
s f sketch Fest dot com, check out past shows
or whatever else. Uh, this has been really fun, guys.
(52:47):
Let's thanks our engineer and producer Doug Babe and the
fine folks at iHeart Media dot com. Please write to
us at Alchemy this email at gmail dot com. That's
Alchemy this email dot Until next time,
Alchemy This News
Host
Kevin Pollak
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