Part One: Napoleon III: The Worst Bonaparte

Robert is joined by Matt Lieb to discuss Napoleon III.

(4 Part Series)

See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:02):
Oh yeah, God damn, it's behind the Bastard's the only
podcast on the internet. If you have ever listened to
another podcast, No you have not that schizophrenia. Sorry, sorry
to tell you this way. That's the radio show. This
is a podcast about the worst people in all of history.

(00:24):
And to help me talk about a real son of
a bitch, I have Matt Leeb, one of the best
people in all of history. That's right. I'm back, maybe
so happy to be here. I am now a dad.
I am yes, so your official legal nickname is now
Matt Daddy Leeb. Yeah. So if you just call me

(00:44):
Daddy on the internet, I'd appreciate it. Um to be back, guys. Um.
Just a reminder, I am part of the creator of
the world's only The Wire podcast pod yourself The Wire,
So listen that. Give us five stars in review and
you'll enjoy it. Did I do? That's my soundboard. I

(01:06):
won't do that too much a promise. Goddamn right, Oh
I forgot, we have a soundboard when you're here. Incredible, incredible,
all the wire drops, Baby's amazing. I was just talking
about McNulty and how I'm outraged that he is Prince
Charles in the Crown because he's way too handsome, he's

(01:28):
way too awesome. But I am kind of enjoying watching
McNulty in his natural accent because I haven't heard him
do his actual like, oh that's what he's that's what
he sounds like. He's a British guy. Yeah, And on
the Wire he's just like, oh god, you just it's
like sometimes you're like he's crushing it and sometimes he

(01:51):
is just like way off with the Baltimore accent. So
it's nice to see him being like Prince chewing gLing year.
You know, that's that's what he's supposed to sound like,
not you know, speaking of the Wire, which is set
in Baltimore, Baltimore compared to where we are, not very
far from the Great Lakes. And you know what today is,

(02:12):
you know, this week is matt leeb what it is
the forty seventh anniversary of the sinking of the Edmund Fitzgerald,
which took twenty six brave men to their deaths at
the bottom of the world's primary foe, Lake Superior. Remember
that there's a song about it. Well, the legend lives

(02:33):
on from the Chippewa on down, you know exactly. Um,
and I think, Matt, I don't know if we we've
talked about this, but do you remember in the in
the in the mid nineteen eighties when the United States
retired are Titan missile arsenal um. I don't remember that specifically,
That's not my number one thought about the eighties, but

(02:53):
sounds like the Titan was the largest I C B
M ever used or ever deployed. Um. It had a
nine meg a ton nuclear warhead. It was the most
single most powerful nuclear weapon in US history. And we
we got rid of them because number one, they were expensive.
A number two, a bunch of them wound up an
accidents that almost killed millions of people in some bullshit. Anyway,
My my, my proposal, Matt, we build a shipload more Titans,

(03:17):
and we fire all those sons of bitches off at
Lake Superior until that's until it's a goddamn canyon, until
that whole fucking lake is a skate park. That's right, motherfucker.
Come on, you think you're so great, Well, how do
you like having no water? That's because we boiled it out. Yeah,
we boil it out through the Also, I assume if

(03:39):
we use a nuke to boil all of the water
out of Lake Superior. The Southwest will get more rain, probably, right.
That seems like it should solve the problems with the
Colorado River. We can, it would solve climate change. Yeah,
it's worth a shot. Right, That's that's why not. That's
that's gonna be my campaign slogan when I run for presidents.

(04:00):
Just just in new detonating above Lake Superior. Why not?
Why not? What do we have to lose? Honestly, if
the world's ending anyways, we might as well try a
new Lake Superior model of strategy. Listeners, this has absolutely
nothing to do with what we're talking about. It has
a little bit to do with what we're talking about today. Sophie,
please explain how Lake Superior well, Sophie superior by taking

(04:25):
the name Superior, putting on airs that it's better than
the rest of us, and you know who else thinks
they're better than the rest of us? Nazis, hereditary nobility.
Oh yeah, that's true, that's true. What do you know
about Napoleon? Wait? Wait, wait the third Love Love Napoleon,

(04:45):
the third, the Napoleon, the third, I'm a huge Napoleon
the third. Stam are you are? You are? You I am.
I mean, you know, maybe I'm not pro Napoleon the Third,
but I'm a big fan. I like that he's the
actual small all Napoleon. Uh I like it was. He
was a lot smaller than than Napoleon Bonaparte, who was

(05:06):
slightly above average size for the time regular uh o G.
Napoleon was like a regular guy, like regular size guy,
just with a funny accent. Whereas like Napoleon the Third
is the one who was actually small, and he's also
the one who was like, uh, you know, he was
what the first president of of of France and then

(05:27):
immediately became the the second Emperor of France. Like it's
he's he's a fascinating guy. He's a fascinating that he
is the his facial hair was huge mess one who
was facial hair one of the most influential dudes whoever lived.
Most people, including like when I started this, I I

(05:47):
knew some about him. I did not realize how much
of the modern world was built because of this guy's fumbling,
Like he created modernity mainly through fucking up and not
thinking it ain't incredible. Um So there's there's two big
books that I got through for this, one of which
sucked in, one of which was pretty good. Um, it's

(06:09):
the case with nobility. The fun thing about writing about
hereditary European nobility is that basically every second of their
lives is documented, right Like you're you're never wondering I
wonder what was happening in their child? Was like, no, man,
We've got like forty different letters from like people who
worked in the house, and like, like we know everything
about their lives. The downside is that we know everything

(06:31):
about their lives. So this is going to be a
four partner Hell yeah, exciting exciting times here before we
get into Napoleon, I'm gonna, I'm gonna. I'm gonna just
give a bunch of bena drill to my baby so
it sleeps for twelve Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, you know what.
Let's let's both take some benity. Let's I'll do it.
Let's I'll take some benadrill and hear noises that aren't

(06:52):
there as a decide. We were hanging out recently with
Dr Cavahota of the House of Pod, friend of the show,
and I showed it was him and another doctor friend
of his who wasn't from out of state and we
were all drinking together, and I realized they hadn't heard
about the ben a drill subreddit, where teenagers take insane
doses of Bena drill in order to hallucinate, and I

(07:13):
put it up. They were distraught. Was trying to log
in through my friends to my friends read it account
to post to warrn people to stop doing what they
was like, no, no, no, cava. They already took the
six hundred milligrams have been a drill, that they've done
what they're doing. I'm so sorry, it's too late. Yeah, well,
you can't stop this. I didn't know that there was

(07:35):
a subwreddit about it, subreddit about it. I actually that
was when I was really really into drugs at one point.
I was just like looking up what kind of adverse
effects can happen if you take too much of whatever drug?
And there's stuff you want to avoid, obviously, like any
you know, non steroidal anti inflammatories will really fuck you up,

(07:57):
but you want to win. You want to avoid most
of the d rugs that are medicine for something else
unless you take a pile of them. Right, But I
did read, uh you know back in those days that
uh yeah, if you take a bunch of bena drill,
you'll have auditory hallucinations. And I will a bunch and

(08:17):
I played a whole symphony in my head. It was incredible.
Well you had a good time, okay, Well, well no,
then my back though, my spine felt like it was
vibrating out of my body. It was very painful. It
wasn't fun, and I think I almost died. But music, Yeah,
So you know, speaking of music, there's an overture about Napoleon, right,

(08:38):
like the eighteen twelve overture. So anyway, let's talk about
Napoleon Bonaparte. One day, we'll do what episodes on Napoleon.
Obviously he's a fascinating bastard, but we just need to
go into a little bit of history kind of about
the later period of his reign because that's where the
life of Napoleon the Third starts. So in eighteen o eight,
Napoleon Bonaparte was the Master of Europe. He had been

(09:00):
born in Corsica, which was on the periphery of French power,
to a fairly minor noble family. Was actually more Italian
than French, like in the way that we would talk
about it now. But Italy was not its own thing, right,
it was kind of being consistently fought over by the
Austrians and the French. And yeah, yeah, in seventeen eighty nine,
when we have our ourselves a French revolution. Napoleon Bonaparte

(09:21):
was a fervent supporter of the revolution. He was a
Republican for a while. I mean that in like the
literal he supported a republic republic. Yeah, he was a Jacobin,
or at least he yeah, yeah, yeah. And obviously like
you could say, like, oh, he was, you know, lying
the whole time, waiting to get power. But I don't know.
I think people changed their opinion on stuff over time,

(09:42):
and when I don't know whatever, I don't I don't know.
I'm not an expert on Napoleon bought apart um, so
he he did lament the execution of the King and
Queen of France. But he broadly speaking, thought that the
republic was a good idea and he served it exceptionally
well in it as an officer in the middle of Harry,
despite the fact that he was at one point briefly
imprisoned during the Reign of Terror. Eventually, the post revolutionary

(10:07):
government spoiler proved kind of dysfunctional, partly due to the
fact that they kept murdering each other and a bunch
of other babele uh and some different factions kept getting
in power and beheading the other facts. And you know,
there's a shiploadle wars, which is how Napoleon Bonaparte winds
up fighting in Egypt, which you might recognize. This pretty
fucking far from France. They had to get him before

(10:31):
the British got it. I understand the entire you know,
like why they did it, because they're like, no, dude,
if we don't do this, fucking Britain is going to
do it. But it was a terrible idea. And his
experience in Egypt is it's a little bit kind of
like Irwin Rommel's going to be a couple of hundred
years later where he doesn't win, but everyone's very impressed
with how well he does, and he kind of nearly

(10:53):
pulls it off, so he's he's a war hero. When
he comes back to France, overthrows the government and establishes
himself as first So we're skimming over a lot of
stuff here, but yeah, yeah, so this and a number
of other things pisces off the other powers of Europe,
but we're already not thrilled about the French Revolution, and
one by one they start coming after him, and Napoleon
beats them all. Um, he is it is you know,

(11:16):
talking when you talk about like what makes ranking like
the quality of military commanders, you kind of have to
do everyone before about World War One and then everyone
after because the nature of war changes so so drastically.
But Napoleon up the first like several thousand years of
human war. Being a good general pretty much always means

(11:38):
the same thing, which is, right, you have this set
piece military and you were able to like you are
able to command it in a war of maneuver until
bringing the other enemy to battle and defeating them, Right that, Like,
that's what what makes you a good military commander, and
it is it is arguable that Napoleon was the best
at that that any human being has ever been. Um.
He has a military record in terms of numbers of

(11:59):
vic reason, terms of number of times he was outnumbered
that eclipses Alexander the Great and basically everybody else. He is.
He is unstoppable right up until the end when he
has stopped. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I mean, you know, to
put it in modern warfare terms like his death to
kill Ratio was like amazing, and he could do like

(12:20):
three scopes all day long. That's right, he has no
he no scopes the ship out of everyone in Europe
for for a while. Obviously he's gonna overreach here in
a little bit, but that hasn't happened. In eighteen o eight, um,
things are doing great there. His armies dominate most of Europe.
He's declared emperor in eighteen o four, and as soon

(12:40):
as that happens, the Bonapartes, who again had been kind
of a minor noble family, are suddenly like one of
the great families of Europe. They're equal to the Habsburgs
in the House of fucking windsor right, because all the
fucking Europe is their domain now. Napoleon, being the head
of the family, because he has effectively conquered Western Europe,
starts to turn the Bonapartes into the reach of territories

(13:00):
he's conquered. Right Like, they're my my brothers and cousins
and ship like, I can trust them the best, so
I'm gonna make them kings of these areas I've captured. Alright,
So this whole thing we're just gonna call it like
the North Italy. Yeah, you just rule all that ship. Okay,
one of you'all bitches takes Spain and uh fucking whatever, dude,

(13:24):
this is it's because it's so modern, Like people look
at this and they're like, wow, this is really like
gangster ship. But that's the only way that feudalism has
ever worked. Yeah, it's all just gangster ship. Gangster ship
is based off of feudalism. That's that's that was the
original gangster ship. So Joseph is the becomes the King
of Naples and also the king of Spain. Um Jerome

(13:46):
is made the king of Westphalia and I never remember
where Westphalia is, but it's somewhere and somewhere west west,
west and west. His sisters Elisa and Pauline become princesses.
His sister Kara Len has made a queen of somewhere.
Lucian actually you bring up Lucian refuses his brother Um.
He will not bow to his like his kin. But

(14:09):
Louis Napoleon Um, who is also almost as strong headed
as Lucian, does, reluctantly agree to serve as king of Denmark.
Now it will not surprise you to learn that Napoleon
Bonaparte rules his family with the same kind of iron
fist as he rules every He is literally Napoleon. Um. Yeah,
So he commands them to marry who he wants them

(14:29):
to marry. He orders them to get divorced just as easily.
He names their children for them. No, no, no. Bonaparte,
who accepts a royal gift is allowed to travel without
his permission. He keeps them on a tight leash, but
as long as their brother remains emperor, they've also got
all of the wealth and influence that you know they
could have only dreamed of before. So it's kind of
a mixed bag um. As some people know, the great

(14:51):
love of Napoleon's life is the Empress Josephine. She had
two children already when they got married, and Napoleon is
going to have a bunch of children with as mistresses.
But for unknown reasons, she and Napoleon are unable to
conceive children together. Right, they both do have kids with
other people, but they just can't together. There's theories about
why that. I mean, yeah, I think the leading theories

(15:14):
that after she has her first two kids, something happens
and she's infertile. Um. But obviously we're not going to
know exactly why, because this is eighteen o six or whatever. Um,
zoomed the body and check on the get in there,
get in there, open it up and see what's going on.
Maybe there's a little you know, egg topic. Napoleon baby,

(15:35):
do the do the do the the Jurassic Park things.
Suck out a little bit of Napoleon Josephee DNA and
finally make that baby. Put him in a raptor cage,
have fucking muldoon with a shotgun sitting outside, feed him goats.
I don't know what we're doing here. They remember they

(15:55):
should all be destroyed. Um that it would be funny
to be like a nick you doctor and and do
that like how dressed up dude, Um putting bottles in
their mouths. Spass twelve by your side anyway. Um. So yeah,

(16:15):
they are unable to have a kid together, which is
a problem because Napoleon is the Emperor of France and
you know, having an air is kind of important. Um.
So he's got some kids with his side, check eleanor.
But you know they're not legal kids. So eventually Napoleon
is going to divorce Josephine, although he remains in love
with her for the rest of his life. It's a

(16:35):
complicated story, but he divorces her to marry a teenage
girl named Mary Louise. She is eighteen, which is I
gotta say, from by the standards of European royalty in
the eighteen hundreds. He likes them old. Yeah, that's true.
That's true. Like that is basically like ten years from

(16:56):
death at this point, so you are that was legally
fifty five years old back then. So um. He marries
Marie Louise, who is the daughter of the Emperor of Austria,
to try to get himself a baby that it can
be his heir. But in the meantime, you know, anything
could happen. You've got it. He's constantly going to war
and ships, so you've got to take actions to ensure

(17:18):
that the burgeoning house of Bonaparte has an actual line
of secession. For reasons that makes sense to royalists, Napoleon
Bonaparte decides the best thing he can do is Mary,
Josephine's daughter, who a tens off to his younger brother Lewis,
to connect the families by blood. Their children would be
bonapartes and thus eligible to inherit the empire now. And

(17:38):
again that's actually shows kind of even though he does
divorce her in this way, that's kind of sucked up
that he loves Josephine because he's like, well, I'm going
to make sure my air is a mix of her
blood and my blood, even though we can't conceive a
child together, which is fascinating. I actually can't really think
of another case of something like that. It's very interesting story, Simp.
I mean, like he's the biggest jose Osophine simple of

(18:01):
all time, you know, like he's, uh, he was a
simple and we have all of his letters to prove it.
And listen, I am also Simp. So I just want
to say, uh, Simp, pride, and I don't think we
should use it as a slurk about that. Hey, you
know what, Matt, we could call him the simperer Napoleon. Oh,
here we go, all right, we got funds, all right. So,

(18:27):
as with most royal marriages, no consideration was given as
to whether or not Louis and Hortense actually wanted to
be in a relationship that was not at all important
to Napoleon Bonaparte um, I'm gonna quote now from Louis,
Napoleon and the Second Empire, a book by J. M. Thompson,
And this is the biography that I did not like
as much. Quote. She was not in love with Louis

(18:49):
and he did not want to marry, but they could
not withstand the Emperor's will. And we're made man and
wife by the papal legate, Cardinal Caprara on January four,
eighteen o two. On October ten, the same year, their
first son was born, named Napoleon Charles. On October four
a second son, named Napoleon Louis. By this time, everyone
knew that the marriage was a failure. Lewis negrect, neglected

(19:09):
his wife, disliked her girlish tastes, suspected her friendships, and
spied on her at every turn. She pined for Paris
and Malmaison, and resented his puritanical discipline. So it's not
a love marriage. It's not going great. She wants to
have a life, and he is angry whenever she does
anything but like sit like a nun in her house. Also,

(19:30):
as a heads up, his first two kids are Napoleon
Charles and uh Napoleon Lewis he is Louis Napoleon. Hey, everybody,
Robert here. Uh sorry, I make a number of mistakes
about royalty early on. I am trying to correct them.
Now he's not Louis Napoleon. He's Louis Bonaparte. Now keep
that in mind, because I'm about to call him Louis
Napoleon a bunch of times. It is very frustrating. But

(19:52):
now the brother of Napoleon Bonaparte is Louis Bonaparte. His
sons are Louis Napoleon and Napoleon Lewis, but they are
also bona Parts. I'm sorry, this is very frustrating. I
made some mistakes here. Um, their uncle is Napoleon Bonaparte.
The names are going to be frustrating in the first
episode or so of this. Yeah, it's gonna be difficult

(20:12):
to tell them all apart. Yeah, so Louis Napoleon again.
The dad Napoleon Bonaparte's brother is also one of Napoleon's
best generals, right, Like, this is not a case where
he just like makes his brother in general and he's
at the Napoleon's Louis Napoleon is a very capable field commander,
and he runs his house like a household of soldiers.
Nothing Hortense did was ever good enough for him. It

(20:33):
was a sad marriage, and her only comfort was her
confusingly named sons, Napoleon Charles and Napoleon Lewis. Like all
tales of European nobility, this again has about a hundred
people with the same name, and we'll do the best here.
So Napoleon Bonaparte is an interesting guy. He's he's a monster,
and I mean he kills millions of people or gets
them killed. But he also is like a weirdly understanding

(20:55):
dude in some ways. And he saw the way that
his brother Lewis was acting in the marriage, and from
a castle in Pole and where he was with the time,
living with his mistress, he sends his brother a letter, quote,
your quarrels with the queen are becoming private public property,
if only you would keep for family life the fatherly
and effeminate disposition you exhibit in the sphere of sphere
of government, and apply to public affairs the severity that

(21:15):
you display at home. You jew your young wife like
a regiment of soldiers. You have the best and worthiest
wife in the world, and yet you are making her unhappy.
Let her dance as much as she likes. She is
just the age for it. Do you expect a wife
of twenty who sees her life slipping away and dreams
of all she is missing to live in a nunnery
or a nursery with nothing to do but bathe her baby.
Make Cortense happy. She is the mother of your children.

(21:37):
The only way to treat her with all The only
way to treat her is with all possible trust and respect.
It's a pity she is so virtuous. If you were
married to a flirt, she would lead you by the nose.
But she is proud to be your wife and is
pained and repelled by the mere idea that you may
be thinking poorly of her. That's like pretty good, actually right,
And it's also coming from a place of like, do

(22:00):
you know how lucky you are to have a lady
who's not cheating on you all the time? Okay? And
you know how luck you are? Yea? I do? I do?
It does kind of make me like him more to
hear him be like, dude, let her dance. She's a kid,
What do you what do he wants? Chill out? Stop

(22:21):
being a dick. It is funny that Louis Napoleon is
was was basically like, uh, you know, all she wants
to do all day is dance and other girls stuff,
And it's like, can we write a fucking horse, please please?
It's interesting too. The Napoleon's are fat, the Bonta parts
are fascinating because Louis Napoleon is a dick. At this point,

(22:42):
he's going to evolve into like the only correct person
in the entire story. This Louis Napoleon, not his son,
also Louis Napoleon. Ye, well, this is Louis Bonaparte. Sorry,
not Louis Bonaparte. His son is Louis Napoleon. I hate,
I hate the fucking names. Um. So shortly after sending
this letter, uh, Louis Napoleon's sung young Napoleon lewis or

(23:06):
sorry Louis bonaparte son young Napoleon, Louis horrible. He gets
he gets one of the infinite number of sicknesses that
little kids get back then and he's he's soon dead
as hell. Um very sad. Yeah, this tragedy shocks Louis
Bonaparte into acting less like a piece of ship for
a little while, like he tries to be chill with

(23:27):
his wife because their kid just died. Um. He's doing
his best. He's not like a goblin. For his part,
Napoleon Bonaparte is concerned about the fact that he's down
in air right, but to his credit, he doesn't focus
primarily on that. He focuses his attention on Hortense again.
He really loves her like a daughter, um, and he
writes to her that he's worried because, quote, you have

(23:47):
lost interest in life and are indifferent to everything. So,
which is also an understanding way to feel in that situation.
But it's also interesting that he recognizes that, Uh. This
makes Charles Napoleon the heir to the empire, which is
quite a lot of pressure. That pressure gets eased a
little bit on April eight when Louis Bonaparte and Hortense

(24:10):
have their third son, who they named Louis Napoleon Bonaparte.
So we just lost Napoleon Lewis. Now we've got Louis Napoleon,
who's the focus of the episode, son of Louis Bonaparte.
So Louis Bonaparte is the King of Holland, brother of
Napoleon Bonaparte. His son's Charles Napoleon and Louis Napoleon are

(24:33):
now the kids that I hate this too, and you're
very frustrated would have learned from this by now, But
I was just yeah, I was just reading that ten
percent of the US Senate is now made up of
John's unbelievable. Should be illegal, should be a crime, like
did we not learn from Napoleon? Get a new name?

(24:54):
What do you know? El? Should you know? What? Else?
Should be a crime? Allowing the great late to exist unmolested? Absolutely,
that's the that's the real sedition Funck this January sixth
ship We need to investigate sympathizers with the Great Lakes. Yeah,
speaking of the Great Lakes, have you heard the the

(25:16):
viral song about Michigan's governor Gretchen Whitmer called big Gretch?
Because it's a vibe? Is it like a pro gretch song? Right?
Like funk with us? We got big Gretch? It's really
it made me as as a as a person with
relatives from Michigan. It made me laugh. It's only Michigan. Yeah,

(25:41):
can we keep the Great Lakes in Michigan and just
get rid of the ones that aren't in Michigan, which
is is like Michigan, the one that's in Michigan. So
you know, do you guys remember when we did de
bathification in Iraq. That's what we need to do with
the Great Lakes. Yeah, we need to de bath it,
make it not a giant bath no more. I don't
know what I'm saying. I'm losing my mind. I haven't

(26:04):
slept in eight days. Um, yeah, we should do that
with the Lake Superior and all the lakes. Dude, destroy
the Great Lakes are the real cabal. You know? I agree? Anyway?
Do you hear that, Kanye, It's not the people who
you think are. Yeah, let's go death on three. Let's

(26:24):
go death con three on the Great Lakes. Death Gone three.
Napoleon's gonna be like fucking Cyrus the Great, or Kanye
is gonna be like Cyrus the Great ordering him in
to whip the lake. Yes, we need baby. I love
a good Cyrus the Great reference on man, he was
pretty good. He was pretty good. Here's some ads. We're back.

(26:52):
I've just been ugling pictures of Cyrus the Great incredible cabs. Um,
I have a time machine. I only used it to
get photos of the calves of historical hotties. Um could
have stopped nine eleven shows not to just let that
one happen. I went back to nine just to be like,
I ain't stopping this. Yeah I didn't. I ain't nothing. Anyway,

(27:15):
Let's talk about all of the different people named Louis Napoleon,
his father, who was Louis Bonaparte, not Louis Napoleon, but
who I will probably mistakenly call Louis Napoleon another couple
of times in this story. Yeah, periodically is going to
be a dick, but pretty much after this point he

(27:37):
gets increasingly chill um. So you know, people grow over time.
The marriage, though, between Louis Bonaparte and Hortense, is unhappy
enough that Louis asks his brother Napoleon Bonaparte for permission
to have a divorce soon after the birth of Louis Napoleon,
the focus of our episode. But since Napoleon had just
divorced Josephine so he could marry a teenager to have babies,

(28:00):
felt that imperial prestige had taken enough of a hit
from the divorce already, and so he told his brother no.
So the earliest years of Louis Napoleon's life included frequent
fights between his mother and father and long periods of
separation where he generally spent time with his mom. He
does not really have a relationship with his dad for
most of the first like fourteen years of his life. Um,

(28:21):
why he's so tiny. It stunted his growth. It's stunted
his growth. That's right, that's right, Dad's dad's are how
you get tall? Um? Now, it is unlikely that he
had much memory of the period in which his father
was King of Holland because an eighteen ten, when he's two,
Louis Bonaparte has a series of fights with his brother,
and it all came down to Napoleon Bonaparte controlling nature.

(28:42):
He wanted his brothers to act as regents only if
he do what they said, acting as his proxies, and
Louis Bonaparte is a guy with some integrity. He's like, well,
if I'm the king, then I should be like making
my own decisions. And when he realizes that that's not okay,
he's like, well, fuck it, I abdicate. I don't know
what's the point of me being a kid if my
stupid brother is just gonna tell me how to do kingship. Yeah,

(29:05):
so he quits. Uh. He flees to Bohemia, leaving his
wife in charge of the kid. And now that his
brother isn't king anymore, Napoleon doesn't care if they stay together,
and he gives Hortense a pile of money to live
peacefully in Paris with her sons his who are still
his heirs. Right their kids are still his heirs to
the throne. Um. Now, as is sometimes the case, things

(29:27):
between Louis Bonaparte and Hortense get better after they split up. Um.
They just are not people who should have ever been married.
Um Uh, And the two remain married but separated the
rest of hortense Is life. This is probably best for
everyone involved, but it means that a little Louis grows
up his father is this distance seldom see scene figure. Um.
He deeply admires his dad because his dad's a war

(29:49):
hero and a former king, but he doesn't know him well. Um.
And as Hortense had found, it was very difficult for
him to be good enough for Louis Bonaparte. One biography
writes that during this time he quote knew of his
father only as an enemy. Some sources have claim that
Emperor Napoleon himself kind of sailed into the gap to
act as the main male role model for Louis during

(30:09):
this period. This is sort of true, but not in
a way that means he was like there regularly. It
still probably means the young Louis Lewis has like five
memories of ever meeting the guy. Biographer J. M. Thompson writes, quote,
Louis Napoleon would be too young to remember more, perhaps
than the impression of a sleek, tubby, talkative little man
who took him on his knee, lifting him alarmingly by

(30:29):
his head, a man with a menacing eye and a
habit of shouting behind cloud closed doors at ministers or ambassadors.
It was the rule that Hortense and her children should
dine once a week at the tuleries, where the Emperor
would make them sit at the table and tell them
stories from La Fontagne between conversations with the actors, architects,
or officials who might have business to do with him. Now,
La Fontagne, and that's who Napoleon Bonaparte, these kids who

(30:52):
are his heirs, he's reading them stories from this French
author who writes fables. Right, La Fontagne is a French
author who wrote Fables in the late sixteen hundreds, and
I wanted to know, like, what kind of bedtime stories
to Napoleon Bonaparte think we're like valuable to give his heirs,
because you have to assume he was a pretty intentional guy,
like he picked them for a reason. I found a

(31:12):
write up by Russell Gannon that explains why Napoleon likely
thought these stories in particular were good to raise his
young heirs with quote. For the most part, the discourse
on authority communicated in the illustrated Fables portrays a kind
of enlightened despotism that advocates centralized authority, but one that
protects those who do not wield influence and affirms their

(31:32):
right to respect grievance or express grievances, which is kind
of the way the Napoleon runs things like, you're not
it's not totalitarian. You're allowed to like make fun of
him and stuff. It's just like liberal because he knows
it doesn't matter. He was an enlightened despot. That's exactly right. Yeah,
He's like, listen, I have all the power, I have
the best army in the world. You guys can talk

(31:54):
a little bit of ship. Yeah, you can talk some ship. Yeah,
that's fine. Um. As master of Europe, Napoleon is like
traveling a lot. He spends less than a hundred and
fifty days in Paris during the time that he was emperor,
and Louis is a human being, so again, not around
a lot. By the time Louis was for Napoleon had
gone off to fight in Russia, which goes as well,

(32:17):
goes as well as fighting for Russia usually goes for everyone,
including Russia. It is doesn't end well. Um, he loses
his empire. Uh. This leads to a brief period where
the Bonaparte family are still in position across Europe, but
the Allies have like forced Napoleon into exile. Uh. They
send troops into Paris, and oddly enough, this is not

(32:39):
a bad memory for young Louis Napoleon. Um so Alexander
that it's the second to the third. He's the Alexander
who's going to become Czar. He's he's he's Nikki's dad, right. Uh,
so hey, Robert here I fucked up again? So again royalty.
Very frustrating. Alexander the first was already Zar when he
entered Paris in eighteen fourteen UM. He is going to be.

(33:02):
He's the brother of Czar Nicholas the first, who is
the father of Czar Alexander the second, who is the
father of Nicholas the second, who is the nikki that
we covered in our four partner. He's the one with
Rasputin and the getting murdered and all that stuff. Again royalty,
very frustrating, very complicated, too many names that are the same.

(33:25):
And he's not the czar yet, he's the Tsarevitch right,
he's but he he winds up with his army in
the French capital in eighteen fourteen UM, and he actually
becomes really close with Hortense and Louis Napoleon and his
brother Napoleon Charles or whatever. Despite having watched like again
Alexander helps wage one of those devastating wars in history
against her father in law. But despite all this, he's

(33:49):
extremely kind to Hortense and becomes a close friend, often
showing up to check in on her. He just kind
of recognizes well her, you know, her her her her
dad and her h or sorry, her mom and herr.
Her father in law basically have been like forced out.
This is scary, you know, I'm gonna I'll check in
on her. She's a young mom and six. I just
want to make sure you're doing okay. I've been killing

(34:13):
all your people. Yeah, this is the guy who will
have a who will who will force a train conductor
to crash a train drunkenly and then blame it on
the juice. So not shouldn't be mistaken about how quality
a man this is. So he's like he's he's becomes
close to the family. Six year old Louis Napoleon is
so grateful to the futures are for comforting his mother that,

(34:35):
during one visit quote, the little fellow sidled up to
him and quietly placed one of those oars. Upon one
of these oars fingers a ring in which his prince,
his uncle, Prince Eugene, the Viceroy of Italy, had given him.
The boy, and, being asked by his mother what he
meant by this, said, I have only this ring, which
my uncle gave me, but I have given it to
the Emperor Alexander because he has been so kind to you,
dear mama um, and Czar Alexander keeps the ring for

(34:59):
the rest of his life. So that's cool. Yeah, he's
a sweet kid. Like again, he's like six at this point,
he hasn't done anything wrong. Um, this is just like
a guy who's nice to his mom in a difficult time. Now,
if you know the Napoleon story, you know he's back
from exile pretty quick. He just kind of sails to France.
They send the army to stop and he's like, hey, army,

(35:19):
you remember that, like we used to be cool when
we did it again, and they're like, absolutely, Napoleon, let's
do it. My favorite part about it is that like
the Bourbons were back for like six months, they have
like a couple of months. Yeah, and then people were
just like, oh, this fucking sucks. And Napoleon just walks
over like can I be emperor again? And all the

(35:42):
armies like yeah, well yeah, yeah he is hard to
overstayd how popular Napoleon Bonaparte's very popular. Yeah, so for
a little bit, the Bonapartes are the first family in Paris. Again,
this does not last very long. Um. The last time
Louis Napoleon will ever see his uncle is the night

(36:03):
before Napoleon departs to march with his army for Waterloo.
As he says goodbye to his heir, Louis Napoleon tells him,
tells Napoleon Bonaparte quote, Sire, I don't want you to
go to the war. Those wicked allies will kill you.
The emperor was standing next to his number one military commander,
Marshal suit Sult. I don't know how to pronounce that
fucking name. Napoleon could not bring himself to hug his heir,

(36:26):
because you know, it's eighteen twelve, So he tells Sult
embraced the child, Marshall. He has a good heart. Perhaps
one day he will be the hope of my race.
WHOA I could not hug the child, but I will
have my my chief military my child's hand. He's just weeping.

(36:47):
Shake his hand. Don't wipe his tears. That's too kind.
So after this, Napoleon marches off to Waterloo. Doesn't go
well for him. He gets exiled for the final time.
Somewhere in that period. Bill and Ted take him into
the nineteen eighties, but I forget exactly when his family

(37:09):
never sees him again. Though. After this point, the Bonapartes
are pariah's in Europe. Right they lose their kingdoms. They
are four It is illegal to exist in France as
a bonaparte. After this period they are banned from the country. Um.
Some of that is because the Bourbon family takes over
and they're like, we can't let these people ever exist
in France again. And another part of it is that

(37:31):
like all of Europe is frightened of Napoleon in a
way that like there's really not a guy like that.
It's like if yeah, I don't know, I don't like,
I don't know that there's ever been like Hitler's the closest.
But it's kind of like we hate Hitler because he
was just like this monstrous engine of evil. Napoleon is
like just feared because of how he like he was

(37:54):
just very competent, right, and he people were, yeah, he
was doing all of the things that like really, uh
like we're a threat to I think royal royalism in general.
Like not only was he like had the best army
in the world, was super super popular. You know, he's
like royals don't need to be popular, they just need

(38:16):
to be more. He's popular and he's liberalizing, so he's
doing everything right. It's like he represents probably the biggest
threat to royalism in Europe. Uh, ever at this if
you if you read the way they talked about him
like the crown other crownheads of Europe. They talk about

(38:36):
him like an alien or a plague, like a monster,
like like like something supernatural. That's that's the way. So anyway,
they are on the run basically like his family is
on the run in Europe for a while because nobody
will fucking take them. Um, Louis is installed as king
of France. Uh, I'm gonna veer between using Louis and

(38:59):
Lewis an umber of times, as I'm going to mispronounce
most of the French things in this episode. You can,
you can deal with it. Look, if you want someone
who can pronounce things in his competent, listen to Mike
Duncan exactly. I love Mike Duncan. I love Mike Duncan,
but you can't pronounce thing. He tries real hard though
he's better than me, better than most. Um, yeah, he tries.

(39:23):
We are not going to try all that. Uh. So
that's what this podcast is about, not your goddamn you're
goddamn right, It is natally so. Uh. He agrees to
preserve he had agreed when he had taken power the
first time before Napoleon came back to preserve all of
the liberties granted by the revolutionary Constitution. Um, he doesn't

(39:44):
do this when he comes back the second time. He
cracks down a lot more that time, but there's there
they're like, we're doing the white terror about that. He
also he doesn't get to make it an absolute monarchy again,
because like, the Republicans are still very powerful in France,
and like, all right, well, if you which too far,
we did murder all of you once, like this could
happen again. Let's not be too fucking cocky, right, yeah

(40:07):
it so Under Louis the eighteenth France returns to being
kind of a a mid level power in Europe. Right,
They are certainly nowhere near the heights they had experienced
on a Napoleon, which they don't love. Uh. He intervenes
after a few years in a Spanish civil war, h
taking Madrid from rebels who had deposed the king, but

(40:27):
he removes his troops once the fighting is done, which
kind of proves to the British that France is no
longer like trying to take over Europe. Louis the Eighteenth
dies in September eighteen twenty four, when Louis Napoleon is
sixteen years old. UM Now his father had finally become
a more regular force in his life. Two years earlier,
UM again, Louis Bonaparte, his chunk of the family, had

(40:50):
spent the intervening years after Napoleon's defeat living kind of
his nomads, sometimes hounded by the authorities. UM. It was
not until eighteen seventeen that Hortense received Persian to settle
in Bavaria with her son. Soon after, she was allowed
to set little in Switzerland to where she moved onto
a fancy estate and her oldest son goes off to
live with it. So Napoleon Charles goes off to live

(41:12):
with Louis Bonaparte, but Prince Louis Napoleon, who is still
technically Napoleon bonapartes air or second air after his older
brother lives in Switzerland with his mom. Right, that's where
he grows up. And he's yeah, I'm gonna quote now
from the book The Shadow Emperor by Alan strass Schaum,
which is the book about Napoleon the third that I enjoyed. Quote,

(41:32):
the past couple of years of continuous personal upheaval and uncertainly,
certainty had taken a permanent toll on both Hortense and
her son, Louis Napoleon. Always at the back of her
mind was the anxiety that soldiers would once again appear
on her doorstep with signed orders from the British Foreign
Office and the other four members of the Allied Coalition
to expel her and her young family from yet another country.
That young Prince Louis Napoleon had became as cautious and

(41:55):
wary as his mother, As his mother of people and
of the preferred friendship of newcomers, what's hardly surprising. For
the first time in his life, the young nine year
old Prince Louis Napoleon had a permanent roof over his head.
In eighteen seventeen his first home in Augsburg, where he
soon attended regular classes at the gymnasium or high school
with other members of the aristocracy. Of the aristocracy and

(42:15):
how to bourgeoisie, he was cautiously happy. Gradually, the anxiety
of the volcanic events of the last three years following
the fall of Napoleon now eased his new daily route.
His classes were in German, of course, and he quickly
became fluent in that language, gradually coming to the point
where he spoke French at home with a German accent,
which remained with him for the rest of his life.
And sorry, his older brother is sixteen. He's nine when

(42:36):
they get a permanent home. So it's worth noting that
even at the worst points in their flight, the Bonapartes
were never anything but very wealthy and comfortable. The other
crowned heads of Europe may have hated and feared Napoleon,
but they hated the idea that high royalty could ever
become poor or destitute. Even more right, it's kind of
more frightening for them to think that someone could fall

(42:57):
that far. As a result, the in the parts keep
their fortunes and continue. They when I say they're like
living as nomads, they're like traveling between mansions and estates
and castles, right, often living at someone else's castle for
a while, but still a castle. Um. Yeah, none of
them are ever living in shacks and wearing no burlap

(43:18):
sack for clothes, like they're doing rich people's ship. But
they're like, you know, they don't have the deed to
the property. Maybe it's like when a billionaire goes to prison,
and his prison is nicer than like anyone any of
my l A U. S. D. Schools that I went to.
That's that's that's the way. It's this nice. You guys

(43:38):
have faster Internet than my high school. So as a
result of all this, Louis Napoleon grows up fearing not
the Allied nations who had broken his uncle, but his
own father, right, And it's not the fear. He's not
afraid that his dad's going to hit him. His dad,
as far as I know, is never physically abusive, and
I don't even think he's mentally abusive really. He's instead

(43:58):
just intensely constantly critical of everything his son tries to do.
And normally I'd say that's not good. But his son
is a giant ship heead Louis Napoleon is a is
a huge ship head, so Louis Bonaparte is right to
be constantly critical with him. Biographer Alan strass Sham writes, quote,
no one can begin to understand Napoleon the third without

(44:21):
fully comprehending the significance of that negative father son relationship,
leaving a much battered ego and sense of self esteem
helplessly suppressed and humiliated by a twisted, unstable father. I
give you my heartfelt blessings, his father wrote, following a
son's first communion in April ninth one. I pray that
God gives you appear in grateful heart towards him, He
who was author of all that is good, and he

(44:42):
sheds his light on you, even that you may fulfill
your duties to your country and your parents, and that
you may understand the differences between right and wrong. This
was probably the most benevolent letter his father ever wrote.
It was to prove as rare as snows of the Sahara.
So A particularly fascinating ex ample of the relationship between
these two guys comes in January of eighty nine, when,

(45:04):
at age twenty one, Louis Napoleon who you know, he's
He's He's done a mandatory period of service in the
Swiss military at this point, he's going to become an
officer there. Eventually he decides he might want to take
up a military career as a more permanent thing. Now,
this is obviously the Bonaparte family business. His father's a
very good general, his uncle's the best of all time.
And you might think Louis Bonaparte would have approved his

(45:26):
son joining the military, But Louis has just fought through
the worst war maybe in human history up to that point, um,
and he's kind of been like traumatized by it. He's yeah,
but yeah, So his son, Louis Napoleon wants to join
the Russian army, and this has opened him because the czar,
you know, it's close with his mom, right, this is

(45:47):
a thing that he can work out. He's got the ring,
He's like the ring. Yeah, I just want to serve.
At the moment, the Russians are kind of fighting one
of their brutal, grinding wars against the Turks and the
Balkans and the Black Sea area, and Louis Napoleon writes
back or Louis Bonaparte writes back to Louis Napoleon that
while fighting Muslim barbarians is an honorable task, it's not

(46:09):
honorable the way his son plans to do it. He writes, quote,
to be share, nothing is finer than military glory, to
know that everyone is talking about you, To command armies
and to be in a position to change the destinies
of people in nations. All of that, of course, is fine,
and attractive and cannot but excite a young gentleman's imagination. Unfortunately,
one must also face a very real truth, one quite

(46:30):
contrary to that noble view, and that is, at all, war,
apart from that of legitimate self defense of one home,
one's home and nation, is in fact nothing but the
act of a barbarian, which is only distinguished from that
of savages and wild beasts by more satisfactory lies. Regarding
its alleged necessity, His father continues that he should never
forget quote one must only go to war and fight

(46:52):
for his own country and for no others. Anyone who
acts otherwise is just a mercenary acting on contrived motives,
or else is simply bloody minded. Which is like the
most reasonable thing anyone's ever going to say to this kid. Yeah,
it's like, uh, and bro, you of all the like
countries to join, You're gonna join Russia to fight in

(47:15):
the Balkans. It just seems like bray do to soldiers
in Russia there, they're not even people. They just end
up going, you know what they do in the Balkans,
like just like it's nothing but like just to throw
people at the other people. They literally are ammo people.
I like that, and I find interesting that because Louis

(47:36):
Napoleon is like he starts as being like, hey, man,
I have been a famous general in the command of
the most famous military leader in history. I know. It's addictive.
It's incredible to feel that kind of power and to
feel like you're the center of the world's attention. But
it's also evil. And at the end of the day,
anyone who says that what we were doing, anyone who
says that what anyone's doing in that is anything but

(47:58):
like butchery is is a liar. Um. That's it's kind
of cool that he not only recognizes that but finds
it so important to try to get this across to
his son. Yeah. Yeah, and he doesn't, you know, in
sort of a secure circuitest way where he's just like, no,
don't you don't want to fight for some other country.
You know, if you if you have to do barbarism,

(48:21):
you gotta do it for for France. I mean, yeah, yeah, yeah, anyway, um,
And Louis Napoleon he listens for now. He does not
join the Russian army, but he's gonna be too much
of a Bonaparte to stay away from the action in
the pages of history for very long. So while he's
muttering about his uncle's successor on the French throne, decides

(48:43):
to set up a military adventure of his own. And
this is I think Charles the tenth is the French
king at this point he invades Algeria on the advice
of his prime minister. Now look at a map of
Algeria in relation to France. This there's no reason for France.
France is not threatened by Algeria. Right, This is not

(49:05):
a This is not like a France and Germany going
to war because they're afraid one is the kind of
like this is pure colonial adventurism, right, Um. It is
Algeria at this point is an Ottoman province and the
Ottomans leave it be like it's part of the Ottoman Empire.
They don't govern it in a meaningful way. There's like
a city there that they control in some trade routes,

(49:27):
but mostly it's just people living in Algeria who are like,
we're part of a country. What do you mean? Like, yeah, um,
why why are you trying to uh set up all
these d m vs everywhere? So the French people, um
are yeah, this is a complicated thing in France, right,

(49:50):
because there's still a lot of desire to be an
imperial power like all these other countries they see around them.
But also this seems like an expensive in dangerous gamble um.
And they're also the French people are kind of pissed
at Charles the Tenth because he is kind of a revanchist. Right,
he's on the side of the divine right of kings, folks.

(50:10):
One of the first things he does is he reduces
the size of the eligible French elector at the number
of French people who get to vote for parliament from
five million men to just twenty five thousand, So he
effectively turns it into only the very wealthiest people have
any kind of a vote. And he's hoping the part
of why he invades Algeria is he's hoping it's going
to distract from this. But the ward does not does

(50:33):
not go well. It turns into I mean, we all
know this, right, it's like an Afghanistan kind of situation. Um,
it's it's it's the kind of thing that like U
s citizens and Russian citizens now are very familiar with. Right.
He invades the country and realizes this is going to
be a continuing problem. Um, they take age. They literally

(50:55):
stay there till the sixties. There they are, they are,
they are more than a hundred years and they never
have a great handle on the country. No, it never
goes well. But they're just like, I don't know, dude,
one of them kings fucking you know, did it like
in order to win on election or something to show

(51:17):
you how bad the ship goes For Charles the tenth,
he declares victory. I think when his troops take out
years on July five, and on August the second he
abdicates and flees the country ahead of an angry mop
So not a great time if you're if you if
you're like watching videos ever of like people rioting in
Paris and like beating the ship out of cops and

(51:38):
being like, how did France get so good at rioting?
They've been doing they have they have been doing it.
They have kicked a lot of governments out of the country.
That is their thing. Like they got like just they
have years and years of barricade building experience, centuries of
institutional knowledge of how to funk up troops in the

(51:59):
city rules. Although I think it was Louis uh Napoleon
and the Napoleon the third who kind of sucked it up.
He does, he does is part of the story. Yeah,
So things being what they were, France gets a new king.
This one is a member of the Orleans family or

(52:19):
Leon or Leon, which means they are relatively related to
King Leopold, Leopold the second and both. Look, there's a
lot of fact, a lot of names. I gotta keep
track of, right to remember. I was like Belgian Belgium,
and I was like, oh yeah, yeah, African Congo and ship. Yeah, Leopolds.

(52:40):
He was named Louis or he is he is, He's
King Louis Philippe. The king who takes over France is
Louis Philippe related to King Leopold. So some more original
names people. He does not end the occupation of Algeria.
The well to do Assles, who had urged the invasion,

(53:01):
insisted that the only thing France could not do was retreat.
Everyone else kind of assumed that eventually ship would get
worked out. But a hundred years later, France is still
fighting in Algeria, which goes to show you how why
is that logic? Usually is the occupation would cost hundreds
of thousands of people their lives and nearly destroy France
as a political entity. They basically have a revolution over

(53:21):
this at one point um after, Like Louis, Napoleon obviously
does not know any of that's going to happen. It's
well in the future, and he is focused on Northern Italy.
So northern Italy when Napoleon Bonaparte is running around gets
liberated from Austrian domination, but it gets returned to Austrian
domination by the Allies after Bonaparte loses, and a lot
of Italians are not happy with this. They there's a

(53:44):
dream of making Italy be its own kind of independent
political entity, which it had not been for quite a
long time. Um So, some of these guys form an
insurgent army in northern Italy called the Carbonari and Louis
Napoleon and his older brother Napoleon Louis Uh both moved
to Rome. God, I hate the names. I'm sorry so much.

(54:04):
They probably got confused themselves, like which what am I
am I? Or Tamara Leuis Napoleon is our guy his
older brothers Napoleon Lewis. They both moved to Rome and
become active in the Carbonari cause their cell gets found
out and busted. They're not great at being stealthy, right
they are. They are the heirs to Napoleon Bonaparte. It's

(54:24):
hard for them to just kind of move around and
not attract attention. Again, everyone kind of keeps an eye
on what Bonapartes are doing. Yeah, you're like, you know,
you're wearing a full on like Napoleonic military guard right now.
It's like a secret sec It's like if a Hitler
moved into your neighborhood, right like, obviously a hitler today.

(54:45):
There's nothing, they're not responsible for anything, but you would
keep an eye on that, you know who your local hitlers. Yeah,
I know, you keep an eye on your local hitlers.
I'm not I'm not going to not pay attention to
what the hitlers are doing in Pari rule view. Just
looked to the side of my eye, make sure they're
not doing anything weird. Yeah, yeah, just just keep a

(55:06):
goddamn eye on them. Um So, anyway, the cell gets
found out busted in the Napoleon's brother the Napoleon. The
brothers Napoleon and their friends were forced out of Italy
barely ahead of the Austrian secret police because nobody trusts
the Bonapartes the entirety of his family, because a lot
of his families moved to Italy at this point, including

(55:27):
his mother and his uncle Jerome. They all left to
flee as well. Because the Napoleon boys get caught trying
to overthrow the Austrian government. UM. So none of them
are thrilled with this because they're all old. They don't
want to deal with this ship. They don't want to
overthrow the the Austrian regime in Italy. Um, their lives

(55:47):
get up ended. Uh and Louis and his brother Napoleon
Louis Lewis. Napoleon and Napoleon Lewis joined larger groups of
Carbonari who are like trying to execute a march on Rome.
Basically when this purge had beends, a bunch of them
arm up and they try to like do they're kind
of before Mussolini trying to do the march on Rome
kind of thing. And Louis Napoleon sends a letter back

(56:09):
to his father saying, quote this, the enthusiasm one finds
here is simply grand. The army of this army of
patriots is now marching on Rome. Now Obviously, Louis Bonaparte
does not approve of this. Again, He's like, don't fight
anything but a defensive war and don't leave your country
to fight for somewhere else. That's his opinion. Um, he
condemns the measure, and he is absolutely right. This is

(56:31):
a terrible idea. So the Carbonari it doesn't. Things do
not go well for them, And after all the fucking
ship is done, Louis Napoleon and his brother Napoleon Lewis
wind up in a city called four lea kind of
hiding out there while it has a horrific measles epidemic,
probably brought on in part by all of the people
moving around and you know, revolutionaries and ship. So his

(56:54):
older brother gets sick on March eleven, eight thirty one,
and is dead by March seventeen teen. He dies of
measles after trying to free Italy from Austrian domination. This
now makes Louis Napoleon technically the heir to Napoleon Bonaparte emperor.
Now this is obviously very sad for the whole Bonaparte family. Um,

(57:17):
Louis's first grand attempt at being a hero has got
has gotten his older brother killed, but it also leads
him to return to French territory for the first time
in his adult life because he and his mother have
to flee the ship out of Italy, and despite the
fact that King Louis Philippe has banned all bonapartes from France,
he allows Louis Napoleon and his mother to stay basically
just kind of out of sympathy, like, well, your brother's dead,

(57:38):
like you guys got kicked out of and like Louis
Philippe is kind of sympathetic to the Italian national causes.
Most French people are right because the Austrians are their
big enemies. So he's like, you guys can crash it.
Just keep quiet, don't tell anybody that you're here, and
I'm trying to right and briefly, Louis Napoleon is like
overwhelmed with gratitude for this, and so he asks for

(58:01):
permission to join the French military and the King is like, yeah,
you can join the French military, but we kind of
have an issue with bonapartes being in the French military,
so you can do it as long as you don't
use your real name, and he agrees to make him
account of something under a different name. But Louis Napoleon
takes this as an insult, and he tells the king quote,
I should prefer to be laid out with my brother

(58:22):
in his coffin first, And he proceeds to like insult
the king enough that he has to flee the country. Uh,
such a bit, such a little It's just like no
matter where he goes, He's like, I will flee. I
don't give a funk. I'll say what. I don't give
a ship BROI I got so many castles to crash in.

(58:45):
So he winds up in fucking London. Um. And for
the next few years Louis bounces around London and Switzerland.
He publishes a couple of books, one on the use
of artillery and another on the history of his father's
rule in France and his uncle's rule in Holland, or
his father's ruland Holland and his uncle's ruland France. Um.
He sends his dad, Louis Bonaparte, copies of this book

(59:07):
about like Louis and Napoleon Bonaparte, and his dad is
furious about this writing quote at the political policies of
the head of your family of a man such as
the Emperor be superficially judged by a mere young man
of twenty four. Who are you to fucking write about
what I did? Fuck you kid, you don't know ship
you're too young. Uh yeah, I love it. It's basically

(59:32):
very funny. It is. It's very funny. Um So Louis
is heartbroken, but the Swiss Army promotes him to captain
over his books about artillery. So maybe his dad was
being a dick here, or maybe the Swiss Army doesn't
know anything about artillery. You know who does know a
lot about artillery? Oh? Is it the Blake Superrier. It's

(59:52):
about to it's fucking about to, Matt. Hell yeah, let's
blow it up. We're back, and we're talking about the
Davy Crockett, which was a handheld nuclear rocket that a
guy could just shoot at a thing and it'll kill you.

(01:00:14):
Right you shoot you shoot a David Crockett. You're probably
not making it. I think the plan was for them
to rear up in a motorcycle, fire it, and then
fucking book it back as fast as possible. I had
to be a really fast motorcycle. What a funny thing
like an like when people are just like they're just
spitballing how nuclear war is gonna work? What do we
do have guys and motorcycles and nuke in folks like,

(01:00:36):
let's give it a shot, but a hat on top
of it. It is so goddamn funny. Anyway, we should
do that too. I don't know what's the smallest to
the Great Lake, Sophie. You're the expert Erie. That's my aerie. Yeah,
well that's how Well, that's how we'll drop Lake Erie

(01:00:59):
on the Great because you're near you've lived in Michigan.
I've never lived there because I have family from Michigan. Okay,
that's the same, Yeah, exactly, And it's and it's not
like Erie. It's like anyway, Ontario, there's an Ontario lake.
Lake Ontario is the smallest. There's too many seven square miles.

(01:01:24):
Do you know that off the top of your head
or did you just do a quick You'll never fucking no, Matt,
because that was incredible. I'm gonna assume you know off
the top of your head. Yeah, I'm that good. Isn't
that right? Snoop from the wire? There we go, she says.

(01:01:46):
She might have said Europe. Anyways, back to the war
and yeah anyway, um, yeah, back to the war in Europe.
So things are you know rough for Lewis Napoleon. His
dad has has has just rejected him, um you know.
And in fact, his dad when his dad writes back

(01:02:07):
that he doesn't like his kid's book, Louis Napoleon stops
responding or to his father's letters for six months. Um.
He finally does reply to one in eighteen thirty five
that says, Papa, I receive your harsh words so very
often that I should be quite used to them by now. Regardless,
every new reproach by you does indeed wound me, and

(01:02:27):
as painfully as on the very first occasion. Again, maybe
his dad's a dick for not praising the book or whatever.
He probably should have encouraged that. But most of what
his dad saying is like, don't just join the army
to go fucking fight in a war. It's bad. Like
that's like, don't, don't don't do just do don't just
like funk around with other people's lives and guns because

(01:02:49):
it looks cool. It's it's like Dad like could tell
that his son was like the biggest poser. Yeah, yeah,
we're gonna have a problem with this kid. I should
is a fucking poser, but like just all of our
worst instincts, he thinks are cool and we've got he's
got the Bonaparte blood, and boy were we can be problems.

(01:03:10):
I know it. I can admit that now. Yeah, we
we have some issues and we really don't want this
guy being encouraged. Let's just say that much so. In
the summer of that year, Louis Napoleon meets a man
who would set his life on a purposeful track. And
this guy's name is Jean Gilbert Victor Fialen, better known

(01:03:33):
as Gilbert Persigny. Can I just say brave new name?
Gilbert Persigny. Anyway, He's the son of a tax collector
and a former in CEO in the French Army who
had been forced out of the army because he was
a Republican right uh. He'd taken to work as a journalist,
where he had become kind of a propagandist for the
Bonapartist cause. He befriends Louis largely because he's really good

(01:03:57):
at at kissing Louis's ass and shut up when his
social betters start talking. He basically only speaks up to
tell Louis how cool the Bonapartes are and how they
definitely should become the emperors of France again. I love it.
He's like the turtle from Entourage of like the Bonus. Yeah,
and he but he also he kind of convinces Louis,
Louis Napoleon that like the King of France is misruling

(01:04:20):
the country and the French people are hungry for a
lunapart to take power again. And he's not wrong and
he is not gonna be wrong. So we will be
talking about everything that happens after that in part do
that's the French, right, That's how that's French assholes. What
a bunch of assholes. The word two means you. It's like,

(01:04:43):
come on, it's nonsense, nonsense language. It just makes no sense.
Isn't that right, Bunk, That's what French sounds like. Uh,
you love to see somebody fucked up when they gave
you that power, Matt, They did, and they fuck up. No,
that's actually what Kanye was talking about when he said

(01:05:05):
no one man should have all that power. Yes, he
was talking about true people ship. I just love that.
It's just like he went full anti Semite and I'm like,
oh boy, you know I gotta have him on the soundboard.

(01:05:28):
It's like time it's been for for Kanye, for Elon
Trump quite a month or two. Yeah, it's been an
interesting time for neo fascists all around. Um yeah, it's
gonna be interesting to see where the soul goes. Speaking
of where the soul goes, you should go watch The
Wire and then you should go watch The Wire and

(01:05:51):
then let out. Yeah, listen to my podcast pod yourself,
The Wire, the Greatest The Wire, the only the Wire
podcast ever. And um, I just had a bay and
all I want is for you to give us five
stars in a review and listen to it. Listen. If
you thought Prince Charles in the latest season of The
Crown was too hot, watch The Wire and give h

(01:06:12):
Matt five stars. That's right, he's even more hot in
the Wire. And he plays a Baltimore irishman with a
weird accent, very weird accent. Yeah, he should have just
gone with It's me McNulty, isn't He's he's motherfucking playing
Prince Charles in some shows. For joining the chat. We've

(01:06:36):
had this conversation twice on this episode. We've also had
this chat in the media group text when I said
multiple articles being like, this is not right. He loved McNulty,
great Y McNulty, Prince McNulty. I'm for it. I'm for it.
At first time I was against it because he's too hot,
and then I watched and I was like, yeah, I

(01:06:58):
like it. I can I can handle it. I do
like that. They make sure to let you know that
Prince Charles is much shorter than Diana. There's like they
were like, no, no, no, we're not Hollywood. Iizing this
this height change. Yes, we got to make him a
little lass Man. Yeah, yeah, Robert anything, anything you want

(01:07:24):
to play at the alright, everybody, we are doing it
behind the Bastard's live stream virtual with Robert myself, the
one and only Robert Killjoy. This will be happening December eight.
You can get your tickets at moment house, dot co,

(01:07:45):
slash b t B and we will link at all
the appropriate places. It'll be a hoot. We're going to
do an episode. We're gonna do a Q and a uh.
Anything you'd like to add. Robert never know our so
buy my book After the Revolution wherever the Funk you
find books are on the a K Press website, but

(01:08:05):
you know it's on everything. It's on all the book
buying sites. Great, we'll be back, We sure will so.
Gustopolies