Part Two: Steven Seagal Is So Much Worse Than You'd Ever Imagine

In Part Two of our series on Steven Seagal, Robert is joined again by the Internet's Seanbaby and they continue to discuss Steven Seagal who is an actual monster.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
M hm, and we're back. I am Robert Evans, and
this is again Behind the Bastards, the show where we
tell you everything you don't know about the very worst
people in all of history. And this is of course
part two of our epic two part series on Steven
Seagal is so much worse than you would guess. You

(00:23):
probably just thought he was a movie star who got
rich and retired and and that was the end of
this story. But as we have learned, not only did
his career start thanks to the mafia, he has a
alleged serial sexual assaulter. And today we're about to get
into his time as a lawman, his hobby as a
best friend to dictators uh, and the human trafficking allegations

(00:46):
against him. Yeah, Steven Seagal, I'd like to open up
this episode with another excerpt from the bio on Steven
Seagal's personal website, Sean John Riley. I did not introduce
you in this episode, which you if you didn't listen
to part one, you're terrible. Yeah, you blew it. You're
the bastard al rite jokes on the internet. Yeah, and

(01:07):
we're drinking and I'm going to open another beer, right
now now we're talking. Now we're talking, and now we're drinking. Ah,
and now we're Steven Seagal ing. I'm ready now. First, actually,
I want to I want to get through an important
issue with you. If some sort of teleportation accident were
to create multiple Steven Seagal, they would be Steven's Cigal. Right,

(01:29):
it's like a like a like an attorney's general sort
of situation. But you know, I think I would probably
say Steven Seagal's like just as an impulse. But when
you say Steven Seagal, I like that a lot more,
and I would absolutely train myself into thing is Steven
Seagal if that ever happens. Listeners, back us up on this.
If there is like a Steven's Seagal infestations likely to happen,

(01:52):
it probably already has happened. If you listen to one
of the Steven's who is uh inhabiting our world here.
In fact, it looks like several Steven's Seagal have merged
into one giant Steven Seagal. Like if you've seen him
in the last ten years or so, he looks like
three Stephen Seagal's wearing a trench coat. Trying to be
one Stephen Seagal, because it's not like he's putting on weight,

(02:14):
like it's like he's growing in every direction. There's there's
nothing shameful about being a sixty eight year old man
and putting on some weight. Of course everyone everyone, I'm
saying he's wearing it. He's wearing it as if it's
other people attached to his body. He's like ate the
fucking Willy Wonka gum or something he's rowing. But he's
also his hair is getting more Dracula every day. He Actually,

(02:37):
that's how you would cast he could be a good Dracula.
He could be a really believable heavy set Dracula exactly.
He would travel by like turning sideways, rolling after you.
The more c g I they can throw in there,
the better, really, So I'd like to open he Turned
Sideways with he's like picking up like, k I bet

(03:01):
he wears all black now because it covers the sweat spite. Yeah, yeah,
we know what's going on. So I'd like to open
this episode with another exerpt from the bio on Steven
Seagal's personal website. At the core of what drives Steven
Seagal with all he does, his music, his martial arts,
and his acting is his commitment to Asian philosophies and religion,

(03:23):
and Asian is capitalized. Yeah, that's that's that's something else.
As a Buddhist, then teacher, and healer, Stephen lives by
the principles that the development of the physical self is
essential to protect the spiritual man. He believes that what
he does in his life is about leading people into
contemplation to wake them up and enlighten them in some manner.

(03:46):
If you can find one goddamn person that exists in
the world who's like I never thought of myself as
a deep philosopher until I met Steven Seagal. Oh boy,
I am excited for this next part. I didn't even
tea is this he's he's a Buddhist lama. He's no, officially,
not just as he a Buddhist lama. He is the

(04:08):
reincarnation of a seventeenth century Buddhist mystic. Officially, Oh you knew, okay,
you would, Yeah, okay, okay, so you've you've you've got
that kind of vision. Then you have the same kind
of vision as a Buddhist leader. Paneur Rinpoche, who is
the actual Tibetan Buddhist leader who declared Steven Seagal a
reincarnation of a seventeenth century Buddhist mystic. Here's Steven Seagal

(04:34):
has been recognized as a reincarnation of the seventeenth century
hidden treasure revealer Shundra Dorhy of Paulau Monastery shun drag Door.
He founded a small monastery called Gigonnpa near his native
village in Finney in the Kutzi area of DERs On,
eastern Tibet. Though there are no monks there now, the
small monastery building still exists and is well known in
the area for its beautiful religious wall paintings. So that's nice.

(04:58):
They're not known for their their public school system. This
sounds like he's kind of a deep shit. Well he
made Steven Seagal, Yeah, yeah, yeah, I mean I may
not be reading it well, um, but yeah, as you
might guess. Other Hollywood Buddhists who have not been accused
of numerous sexual assaults took issue with the announcement that

(05:19):
Steven Seagal was officially a Buddhist lama. He's literally like
a step below the Dalai Lama. Like that's that's real.
That's as far as yeah, it's official. Richard Gear and
Tina Turner, both devout Tibetan Buddhists, should, in theory, venerate
Steven Seagal for being just a step down from the
Dalai Lama himself, but instead they accused him of having
bribed Pennora and Poche and other Buddhist Lamas into granting

(05:42):
him the title. Gandon Thurman, director of special projects for
the Tibett House in New York, noted that quote. I'm
afraid it troubles me. I always wondered if the action
heroes he played, he always seems to be the only
one who tortures his enemies, which is I was saying
this in the last episode, he just tears apart all
of his enemy. Yeah, so there's some good questions as

(06:03):
to why this guy would be a reincarnation of enlightened
buddhististic pen or. Rim Poche denies being bribed by siagal Uh.
He states that neither I nor any of my monasteries
have received or sought any sort of substantial donation from him.
I think substantial is the keywords. I seems like some
bribery happened, so doesn't this guy like talk to God

(06:24):
and stuff like wouldn't God be like, hey, don't make
that guy that. I don't know how Like really, I
don't know how Buddhism works. I don't think they talked
to God, um, because that's like a Buddhist thing, right. Well, no,
because there's different types of Buddhism, because there are some
Buddhism some Buddhist sex that like venerate Buddha as sort
of a deity. Um. But I think in general, like
you're like a dumbass and you're like in charge of

(06:46):
somehow naming who is the reincarnated? Yeah, because Steven Seagal
gave you sevents like it is there like no like
checks and balances and that like religion for someone to
say like, hey, guys, I think I found the reincarnated.
I think it's this sexual assaulter who lies about everything
and there's no one to say like, you know, I don't.
I don't think you're right. I don't think he's the

(07:07):
reincarnation of that seventeenth century month. I don't buy it,
like that tree might be the guy. I mean, how
do you check? And you do you have like a
spectrometer you can like attach to because I know scientologists
have like little yeah yeah, and so they can like
measure how many times you're being reincarnated. Well, there was
like the ceremony where he had to recognize some possessions

(07:27):
that had been owned by himself. But that's the kind
of thing you can set up. Um that you can't
fake that ship. You can't fake that ship. I don't know,
my my my personal feeling here is that, Um, maybe
Chung during Dory, the seventeenth century Buddhist monk, who Steven
Seagal is the reincarnated form of maybe Chung During was
a serial sexual asser. Of course, entirely possible. If he is,

(07:54):
that would be like I'd support this claim that Steven
Seagal is reincarnated. Yeah if if the doll a Lama
comes out and says, no, he was a monster and
this man is the reincarnation and he must be stopped.
Now we're talking. Now we're talking about I would watch
in the Modern Age under Buddha. I think six out
of ten so far, I think we can top it.

(08:15):
But it's a good title. Okay, it's a good title.
We'll see what else we can. Yeah, the definition of
substantial can Bury a lot, so I wouldn't be surprised
if Steven Seagal bribes and Buddhists um now despite being
ordained as a holy man. In the late nineteen nineties
proved to be the winding down period for Seagal's career.
As we previously stated, under Siege was his most successful film.

(08:36):
In nine four, he filmed on Deadly Ground, an action
movie with an environmental message about oil companies in Alaska,
featuring offensively inaccurate depictions of Native American women doing actual
spiritual dances, but doing them naked, which is not how
the dances were performed. Steven Seagale, everybody that was Steven Seagal.
I bet, yeah, But like I think it would be

(08:57):
more lightning if they took the test. Make sure they're
real and very serious religious religious rituals, but make them
do it naked. Perfect. That's that encapsulates my interests very well,
both cultural appropriation and gratuitous nudity. I'm Steven Seagale approved
this film, and he did. Oh boy, Stephen Stephen Stephen

(09:22):
Stephen so um. In Identity five, Segal filmed a sequel
to under Siege. He was in Kurt Russell's executive decision
for about a hot minute and then very quickly got
sucked out of a plane. Right. I love this story. Yeah,
there's a rumor that he was in the movie theater
when this happened and he gets sucked out of the plane,
like basically the moment it's about Steven Seagelle time and

(09:45):
he just sucking dies like and the crowd cheered, like.
The crowd thought this was really funny and they loved
that Steven Seagald died before he got to do anything.
And Steven Seagal, in a fit, like got up and
like stormed out of the theater and his manager was like, no, dude,
doo doo, dude, they're cheering because they love you. They're
cheering because and they had he had to talk him
down like you would a toddler. Yeah, he's like, no, no,

(10:06):
they're not cheering because you're dead. The cheering because they
you're the best, and they that you died a hero
and like and then they calmed him down and got
him to go back. I have no idea how accurate
this was, but the rumor that I heard, that's cannon
for this show for sure. Yeah, we're we're calling really
like as true as any fucking thanks Steven Seagal has
ever said. Probably truer other than the thing about the

(10:29):
chical exhibit, because that I can't imagine someone lying about that.
That's probably yeah. Yeah, And he's probably that seventeenth century
like rapist, yes, Sam, seventeenth century rapist, dry boy, that particular.
That doesn't make it onto that poor dude's wikipedia, No,
because he's been dead for centuries. He doesn't need this.

(10:51):
This is how it is. One accusation ruins your life,
even after you did. That's doing bad, Donald Trump. Oh,
I thought you were doing a Steven Seagal that they
have a lot of similarities. There, not as many differences
as you'd expect. Yeah, not as many as you'd expect. Um.
Not the best impersonator for this one, which is the

(11:12):
spot on the Trump That was your cosby, It was
my car. Oh boy. The world is just full of
rich and powerful sex offenders, um, speaking of one of them,
Steven Seagal. Uh. In the late nine nineties and early
two thousand's, obviously, Segal slid into obscurity. He transitioned from

(11:33):
big Hollywood star to direct the video Star. He also
put on more and more weight, which isn't at all
odd for a man in his late forties, but did
kind of get in the way with a successful action
movie career. It's worth noting that Steven Seagal currently look
at a picture of him, is the same age more
or less as Liam Neeson, who was a believable action
movie star. Yeah, so again, he didn't make the right

(11:56):
decisions in order to stay relevant. Um although that was
probably always a kind of a long shot mafia finance
start um so and can make seven or eight different
kinds of Liam Neeson can act as both Oscar Schindler
and as a guy who punches people in the throat

(12:19):
and the guy from Krol and the guy from Kroll.
What Steven Seagal and Crawl? You ruined Krawl? You would
have ruined Krow, a film that could not have been
more of it as Ascar if it had had its
opening night on September eleven in the World Trade Center.

(12:41):
I was not disagreeing with that statement. Okay. The upshot
of segal slide into obscurity is that it gave him
a chance to focus more on his spiritual life, delivering
lectures on Buddhism to classes of the faithful, hungry for
the wisdom of an ancient lama and luckily for us
and attindee of one of these class has wrote about it.
In the October nineteen issue of g Q, they published

(13:04):
an article by David Rakoff titled Stephen Seagal, I can't
believe it's not Buddha, Jesus Steven Seagal. I can't believe
he tried to put his finger in my butt. H
this was a yoga class, though, well, it was. It was.
It was. It was a Buddhism class. Sorry, I can't
believe it's not Buddha. It was. Let's do a fucking

(13:30):
episode of that asshole. It was. It was an easier
time for comedy. Jerry Seinfeld was the biggest name in
the world. I think Jerry sanfel lots of great jokes. Seinfeld,
if you brought him this and said I got this
great idea for a joke, I can't believe it's not Buddha,
he'd say, you're out of my office. You have the

(13:53):
funk out. You're really We're getting a lot of Mila
jet your impressions tonight. Um. So yeah. David Rakoff attended
a series of lectures a Memorial weekend day weekend retreat
by the Omega Institute for Holistic Studies. The Omega Institute
regularly held seminars with luminaries such as Deepak Chopra, but
the weekend that Rakoff attended, they scored a real get.

(14:16):
Stephen Segal. Yeah, he was teaching a class on quote
cultivating compassion and clarity. Yeah, this is the guy you
go to you want to cultivate some you want to
cultivate some compassion, You go to the guy who's famous
in his movies for torturing people and has numerous sexual
assault allegations against breaking and grabbing titties, much like the Buddha,

(14:37):
much like Buddha before me, the one living inside me,
and the four eight uh so before Segal arrived, students
were advised to arrest to address him as Rinpoche, which
means literally precious jewel, So rac frights precious jewel. Eventually

(15:02):
does arrive some forty five minutes late. That turns out
to be Sigal standard time. He is a large man
now with a bit of a late model Brando girth
about him. His narrow eyes, sleek ponytail, and variation on
traditional Tibetan attire, an opporigine skirt, and a saffron yellow
satin jacket lent him the air of a mongol potent taste.

(15:22):
Article title and then like a fucking four paragraph description
of his dress. Oh, it was a beautiful description. It
was a beautiful description. He shambles in, slowly, displaying a
kind of bewilderment, as if this temporal world were too
jarring and suffused with craving in pain for him to absorb.
Just yet, these guys, it's a really good way to
describe the way Steven Seagal moves. So it quickly became

(15:45):
obvious to the author that the students at the seminar
were a mix of serious Buddhists and people who just
wanted to hang out with a famous guy. All weekend
questions quickly turned to Segal's career. He explains to us
that his absence from the screen is but an inevitable
consequence of his emergence as a holy man. The studios
know exactly what they want fighting. As I became a lama,
I had to establish a line I could not cross,

(16:07):
and I've taken two years off as a result. Um,
so that's there's not a single Stephen Segal movie where
he doesn't beat the ship really meanly too. Yeah, yeah,
it's it's it's gross. Uh Now. Rakoff does note that
Segal didn't come across as a dumb guy. He was
charming and reasonably good at answering pretty basic questions about Buddhism.

(16:28):
His main flaw seemed to be that he was incapable
of showing up on time. Uh. Quote, the school day
consists of a morning session from nine at noon in
an afternoon session from two thirty to five thirty, but
Segal tends to arrive at least an hour into each
and he stays for only an hour. Yeah. Seagal's explanation
was that, basically that he was people can only absorb

(16:48):
so much wisdom in a day. That makes sense, That
makes sense. He was, he was overly. He didn't want
to overload them on his wisdom. Uh. I think it's
probably because all you can eat place you know, they
don't make you leave. Do you been here for seven hours?
Hopefully you would have had all the crab brand goons

(17:08):
I can eat. But you have no idea how many
crab brands. You don't know what you signed on for so.
Rack Off notes that Seagal's chief, a keto disciple, was
brought in to lead stretches for the group. They were
originally supposed to be just like fifteen minute breaks in
the middle of the day, but regularly expanded to forty
five minutes or longer in order to distract from the

(17:29):
fact stretches you gotta be limber when you karate, chop
your hands around for a little bit. So he had
his guy coming and do stretches while he blew off
two thirds of the classes he had signed up to teach,
like a real Buddhist mistake. Yeah uh. Now Segal took
the opportunity afforded by his creator and career to indulge

(17:51):
in other passions too, including his passion for being the
creepiest possible version of himself. In two thousand and four,
he attended the funeral of musical legend Ray Earls. At
the funeral, he met Charles's granddaughter, Blair Robinson. He decided
that the death of her grandfather was the perfect place
to hit on her be allies. He invited her to
his home to interview for a job as his personal assistant.

(18:12):
Now Segal didn't do anything creepy at the interview, probably
because her dad, Ray Charles Jr. Came to the interview,
which is a smart move as a dad if you
hear Steven Seagal wants to interview your kid. But he
did hire her on the spot, and a few weeks
later she was in Memphis with Seagal and his staff.
Segal held a meeting with everybody and then dismissed them
all so we could talk to Blair alone, which is
another Weinstein tactic. Yeah. At this point, yeah. At this point,

(18:36):
the focus of the meaning shifted from the logistics of
their current project to the art of Japanese massage. Segal
informed Blair that massaging him would be one of her
duties as his assistant, and since she didn't actually know
how to give massages, so Gal would of course have
to teach her. He started to demonstrate on her body,
but Blair fled the room and flew home to Los Angeles.
Blair is a smart person. Good on you. Not that

(18:58):
obviously other people couldn't escape, and that's not because they're
not smart. Not not saying that. Just credit to Blair
for getting the funk out of there. Good on you.
I wish everyone else had been that fortunate the right
combination of assertiveness. Yeah, yeah, and that is a that
is a dark tale, as all of the allegations of
sexual assault and harassment against Seagal are. And we will

(19:18):
be washing a little bit of that out of your
tongues in a little bit because coming up very soon,
we're going to be listening to a selection from Steven
Seagal's wonderful blues album, Songs from the Crystal Cave, which
I bet you didn't know as a blues album if
you listen to any of it, because it sounds it
is as close to the blues as I don't know.

(19:39):
You're really more that guy and more what guy, the
guy who right words things good? Do the words? Do
the words music in the form of words? Yes, Oh
my god. That's really working backwards from an artistic perspective,

(20:00):
it's like it's his songs expressed so much words can't say, like, like,
have you ever heard a forty minute fart? Put that
into words? Then try to describe that to someone if
you can't, but Steven Seagal can, and that is Songs
of the Crystal Cave. We'll be talking about that a
little in a little bit. But first some songs from

(20:23):
ads Dude, the Sweet Transition. I I'm really good at transitions,
that's my words. We're back and we're talking about Steven Seagal.
Um again. We are recording this in a home of
and and drinking lovely home and thank you for having me. Yeah,

(20:44):
it's it's it's been quite a time. Um so uh.
Next to being Buddhist Lama and sexually allegedly sexually harassing teenagers,
Steven Seagal's music career was his major focus in the
early two thousands. Um so, it wasn't the top three
for sure. In two thousand and five, he released his
first album, Songs from the Crystal Cave I'd like to

(21:04):
read from its top of you on Amazon dot com.
Can wait. After a night of hitting the clubs, you
meet a girl head home with her things get heated,
Put the CD in you system, turn it on, and
you'll find that magic happens. And it also doubles as
a great white elephant exchange gift. I can't tell if
that one serious or not. It really it could go
either way. I mean it's a funny thing to give

(21:25):
as a white elephant. Yeah, like if you opened the
gift and it was a Steven Seagal album, you'd be like,
this is pretty funny. Yeah, yeah, you would. This would
be a good white elephant gift because you'd want to
have that. Look at the cover. It'll be on our
our website of Steven Seagal Songs from the Crystal Cave.
I can only describe it as it looks like an
album that Steven Seagal would right. Like, clearly he's in

(21:46):
a loincloth fighting a minute, are in the center of
an ice maze. He's what he is now of the time,
which is the stolen valor equivalent of a Native America. Um,
it's the only thing he dresses that that's a solid
burn equivalent of Native American. I love it, Steven Seagal, everybody.

(22:08):
My own opinion is more in line with the one
star reviews of his album that call it overproduced garbage.
That dude got that fucking stevens Agull album and he's
like genuinely earnestly reviewing it. It's it's hard to say,
it's really hard there. It doesn't, I will say in fairness,
it has four point one stars. It is possible that
a lot of people enjoyed this album. Sure, I would

(22:28):
say many of the songs on it, were you two
walk through a store where they were playing, you would
not notice you. You would just could. Yeah, it would,
just it would. It would. It's boring enough that it
would would pass under your mind. You know. It's not
a sensational a failure as you like hope. It's it's
not like it's not like a Sean or not Sean
Connary of Captain Kirk, the William Shatner. It's not like

(22:51):
William Shatner singing Rocketman, where it's like everyone has to
hear this. He's like artistically going for it, like there's
a charm in that level of like, yeah, total commitment
and and that I would say is absent from Steven
Seagal's music, although you may form a different opinion. Yeah,
I would. I would call it forgettable. But two thousand
five is the year that Steven Seagal started touring with

(23:13):
the Steven Seagal Blues Band uh which is a creative
name for a blues Banderah, and two thousand six, Big
City Blues Magazine put Steven Seagal on their cover. You
can see the picture of it here. He's sitting with
a group of blues legends. Apparently I have to trust
other people who have read about them that they're blues legends.
I don't know much about blues, nothing against blues, wonderful

(23:35):
art form um. It does seem from the reviews I've
read that the other people in his band are really talented,
legitimate bus blues musicians, and the subtext is that Segal
is paying them all very well, because being a great
blues musician does not pay the bills. But also, I mean, like, say,
you're just some blues dude, and like you got your

(23:57):
own little bubble where you're kind of cool. But like
Steven Seagal is an internationally known movies. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I think most people would be excited to meet. Assuming
you hadn't listened to the part one of this podcast,
you'd be like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, you made like
four really good movies and terrible ones. It's exciting to
meet you. You're kind of famous. Take a picture with us,

(24:17):
Yeah yeah, I'll go tour with you. Steven Seagal, one
of these musicians, said, in an interview with The Washington Post,
quote I told him to have to play these grungy
clubs and some real dives where real blues musicians would play,
and he said, let's do it. He's focused on making
it as a musician. He's paying his dues, just like
everybody else. Unlike everybody else, however, Seagal traveled to different

(24:38):
cities via charter jets and stayed only in luxury hotels. Uh,
which is probably has the blues. Spending nineteen hundred dollars
a night in a hotel, staying at the fucking w
that's the blues. How many? How many great blues albums
have been written about the Waldorf Historia seriously countless. Sometimes

(24:59):
the bar closes like at one thirty. Well, you're like
your flight was late, and you're like, I didn't even
have time to get my seventh drink. Yeah, I got
the blues. Heartbreaking, And then you gotta go to the
mini bar and you gotta pay way too much for
a very small bottle of wine. The blues, everybody the blues,
We understand it. So to Steven Seagal um so in
that Washington Post interview, Segal claimed to have been studying

(25:22):
the blues since his childhood. Studying the blues. Yes, what
does that mean it means learning about pain, Sean, learning
about the true pain of an artist, of a blues
artist spies like you didn't want to like I don't
want to learn about this stupid blues like hitting the books,
all these fucking blues musicians. I've only made it through

(25:43):
Blues two o two. I never quite got my bachelors
and blues. Uh. He claims to have learned from the
lapse of great but Unknown, which is really fortunate for
him Mississippi Delta blues men who had moved north to
work in the steel mills. Just nine year old Steven
Seagal and like well, and also the fact that he's

(26:05):
talking about steel mills and he lived in Fullerton, California,
from the age of five on. Not a lot of
steel mills near Fullerton, capital steel mills, Capital blues. Fulish, Well,
that's the blue city. It's not like the anywhere on
the East Coast. No, it's it's it's Fullerton, California, capital
of the blues. Now, Sean, I'm not an expert on

(26:28):
the blues, as the three blues experts listening to this
podcast will surely attest you. But listening to Steven Seagal's
music does not make me think he is a blues musician.
I would agree as another non expert. I'm gonna play
a selection from the best song on his album Strut
and what do you mean my best? I mean the best?

(26:52):
I mean, I mean, I mean this song is a
work of art. So so we're gonna, we're gonna we're
gonna play a selection from Strut and dance along. You
can decide for yourself if Steven Seagal is a real,
authentic blues musician. All right here it is, Mr sevil
sign want said for me at the sock I have

(27:15):
gone to on the rack you're wanting for if you
make me feel nice? Why you tell me what you
really bore all night? No supermitment wander wander, I mean
the way nice ship. You can look at that, but

(27:40):
you shouldn't do that. Just so, does that sound like
the BLUs Dude? I don't know what the funk that was?
Nobody does that's the club jam. I know he wants
the Punani tonight? Is that really what he said he wants?

(28:01):
That was something like that? And he also says when
the girls strut, you want to look at their butts,
but you shouldn't do that, which is advice he legitimately
should have taken. Yeah, Steven Seagal and Steven Seagal are
songs from the Crystal Cave, which, by the way, the
album cover art is is the middle bisecting the frame
is the center of Segal's guitar, with his face on

(28:22):
one side and his hand on another, and an enormous
turquoise ring. Of course, with the turquoise ring, is that
his pinky? You're goddamn right, it's his pinky. Should I
should also note if you look at he still plays
the blues, and if you look at modern pictures from
his concerts, Steven Seagal is wearing a kefia and every
single one of them, which, of course, why not, why
not Steven Seagal. He's gonna get that punani tonight, Steven Seagal,

(28:49):
I apologize for that particular accident I did. That was
my Steven Seagal's reggae blues thing about making an offensive joke. Nearest,
Steven Seagal, all song is that. Nothing you can say
on him, because that is a nightmare. Uh. It's I

(29:09):
like being in the room with with the reggae performers
and not having a question about like, guys, am I
allowed to say this boy line like this is gonna
come off as weird or you're paying to be here,
so you say whatever you like. No, Stephen joint us
to really like play up the Jamaican accents. Yea, yeah,
go read real Jamaican heresture of sigal play. Oh my god,

(29:34):
let me describe this. He's got just the sweetest orange guitar.
He's got a do rag his his shooter glasses, like
he just came from the fucking gun range, just like
like a go tee that looks like it wasn't painted
on but thrown on by like but like a boomerang
hunter from four yards away and just fucking slapped onto

(29:55):
his face. I think he's I think that's a yellow scarf,
not an ascot. No, that's a Kifia, sir. That yeah,
that that is definitely a kifist. I'm being told as
easy three seven Steve has he never met a culture
he will not appropriate. Yeah, it's amazing. Yeah, it's it's
a work of art. It's like someone made the first

(30:17):
random choice on the creative character and like that's just
fucking what He's stuck with his regular real life. He's like,
that's a sarcastic creator wrestler in a cut scene. Is
what the funk we're looking at? That's a good way
to describe Steven Seagal in the modern era. Uh So,
now that he's been a blues musician, a Buddhist lama

(30:39):
and reincarnation, a seventeenth century priest, repeated alleged sexual offender.
Uh and of course an action star c I a agent,
Navy seal, Navy seal, a great Aketo master as well. Obviously,
after all of that, I bet you're thinking, the only
thing Steven Seagal hasn't done is be given in a

(31:00):
position of authority where he's allowed to carry around a
gun and has the legal sanction to use violent force
and absolutely give that to him, license to kill all
the way if anyone deserves it, it's this guy. Well,
good news. In two thousand seven, Steven Seagal revealed that
he had been secretly spending the last two decades working
as a reserve deputy officer for the Jefferson Paris, Louisiana

(31:20):
Sheriff's Department. Yeah, I remember this reality show. You remember
when he revealed he secretly spent twenty years as a cop. Yeah,
I'm Steven Seagale. They think I'm a beach ball the
napkin on the top of my head. We really cut
a lot of beach crime when Steven Seagale joined the force,

(31:42):
because I do remember the premise of that reality show
was that he just did this all the time, like
unrelated to his other stuff. He was like, yeah, this
is also a Louisiana sheriff. And I remember on the
show he would he would appropriate a lot of black culture,
like if he was meeting like my family, to be
like hey, y ware to mama, and you'd be like,
what what this thing? You used the most offensive fake

(32:03):
accents imaginable. He also did it as a blues musician.
He actually wrote a Cracked article about this about Steven
Seagal's crime vision, and then the show this happened where
he would like stare out the window with his like
squinty Steven Seagal eyes and then it would go all
white to sort of imply that Steven Seagal has some
sort of like fundamental senses that could could tell when

(32:23):
crime was near and and so I called that the
crime vision. And my theory was that that near near him,
five to six miles away, a baby would be turned
into a husk and the parents would never know what
caused it. But it was Steven Seagal's crime vision. Because
that power has to come from where they have all

(32:44):
of the the editing capacity of a reality. They can
create any reality they want. And that show made it
very clear that Steven Seagal's crime fighting techniques were to
drive around until he saw black people and stare at
them and if they were in a way, you found
yourself a crime. That was like fucking every episode. I
don't know if you can still find it, but that's real.

(33:04):
And I experienced, oh my god, is it ever fucking real?
And the l a times, God bless them, did some
digging and to just how true it was that Steven
Seagal had spent decades working as a police officer, which
I mean there are uses I can imagine for him,
like if you knew a crime was going to occur
in a aged leather bag, if you had a hole

(33:26):
in the damn Stephen standing against this hole in the damn,
you go it is averted. Someone's gonna steal a lot
of leather jackets, put them all on at once. Stephen God,
He's picking of for all the leather jackets. Steven Seagal

(33:47):
okay Um. So the l A Times did some digging
into whether or not Steven Seagal had actually worked for
twenty years as the sheriff's deputy. Uh, and whether or
not qualifications don't spoil it. But I think probably didn't.
It's actually kind of impossible to tell. The l A Times. Yeah,

(34:08):
says The l A Times quote Seagal saying that it
started twenty years ago when Segal was shooting shooting a movie.
Then Sheriff Harry Lee asked him to teach some of
his officers martial arts. He was so pleased at what
I was doing that he asked me to come out
of the force and be one of his cops. Um,
maybe you've got good hand to hand combat. That's mostly
what we do with police. Mostly what we do a

(34:29):
lot of karate. You know. The sad thing is that
would be a lot better than the current situation if
that were the problem. Cops keep karate chopping people. It's whimsical,
but it's annoying. Black youth mildly inconvenience by police karate
chop what a better world that would be. I'm saying,
maybe Steven Seagal should have been the president of police.

(34:50):
I don't I don't know who heads our police nationwide.
You're sort of doctor mayor of police. There we go
because the mayor is always on their ass. That makes sense,
That makes sense. Yeah, um So. Segal claims that he
worked major cases during this period, although his involvement was
officially under the radar for most people. It seems more
likely that it most he spent one or two weekends

(35:11):
a month or a year, uh, doing some volunteer policing work. Yeah.
When the latter day sheriff was interviewed, he basically said
Steven Seagal was grandfathered in, so he had been working
with the force for a while, but he seemed frustrated
that he couldn't get rid of him. Keep showing up.
He's here. We were told we can't get rid of him.

(35:33):
Um Now. Sigal claims that he attended a police academy
in Los Angeles and received a certificate from the Peace
Officers Standards in Training organization. Neither the City of Los
Angeles nor Post has any record of Segal being certified
in anything His rank was described by the l A
Times as purely ceremonial, which seems truer than him ever
having any kind of training. It seems like it would

(35:54):
have come up earlier, right like during his Navy Seals
training and during his Navy Seals days when he did
learned how to read a map. All of us have
like such obvious gaps in the paper trail, like if
you if you got certified, that implies a certificate somewhere. Yeah,
and the l A Times found fucking nothing from anybody.

(36:14):
Why wouldn't he show it to you? Like, yeah, that's
a big deal. But here's the cops certification that I
don't have that but you can look up on Oh
you did because your journalists wasn't a cop. But you
can believe all the other crazy ship I said. Uh so.
Sogal insists that his time in law enforcement was purely
a public service. That's what he kept it secret until

(36:36):
November of two thou eight, when he decided what does
that mean? He decided sean in November eight that the police,
the brave men and women of the Jefferson Paris, Louisiana
Sheriff's Department, needed recognition and That's why he launched the
reality television series Steven Seagal law Man. I know you've

(36:59):
seen it, and I'm learning that now, but I'm gonna
play a little bit of the intro for those of you,
those of you in our in our home, non studio audience,
sitting in your car at the gym, fist fighting an
awful lot. Here's Steven Seagal law Man. I make a
living in the movies, but for the past twenty years,

(37:21):
I've also been a cop, and along with some of
the finest deputs on the falls, I served the people
in Jefferson, Paris, Louisianna. My name is Student Seagale Andrews.
That's right, Stephen Seagal, Deputy shown Stephen Seagal law Man. Everybody,

(37:42):
some of the funnest deputies like Jebby Racist number one
and Jebby Racist number three. I forgot to mention Jebby
Racist number two, and then of course heavy Set Racist,
the greatest of them all, finest man. We we'd like
to apologize to a major demographic for this podcast, the

(38:04):
Jefferson Paris who we see in a sheriff's department critical listeners,
and we really do appreciate y'all. Please keep buying the
T shirts Jefferson Paris. Keep getting that, as Steven Seagal
would want you to know. Now, I know what you're
all thinking. Having listened to Steven Seagal law Man's intro.
Is there any way that allowing an alleged serial sexual

(38:27):
predator to work as a law enforcement officer might go terribly, terribly,
terribly wrong? Is there any possible? I know it's a
long shot, Sean, but is it possible? Can we imagine it?
Can we conceive of it? I'm not in charge of anything,
but I'd say don't do it. When I said we're

(38:48):
gonna talk about human trafficking, I shouldn't. The laugh is inappropriate. Uh,
It's just it's shocking how bad of a person he is,
and that this you would you would think that we
had heard the worst of Steven Seagal at this point
because he's too old to move right and and and

(39:09):
it keeps on coming. Uh So, according to CBS News,
Steven Seagal law Man, uh had a very successful premiere. Um,
you know, it was Andy's most successful premiere in history
actually at the time. Yeah, I did well. It was
suspended in two thusnten though, because Steven Seagal was accused
of human trafficking, uh, specifically of keeping a sex slave
locked in his John Lafitte mansion. Um, which is you know,

(39:33):
maybe he shouldn't have a badge. It just seems like
it was a bad idea, you guys keeping sex slaves. Uh,
give me a call if anyone steals anything. So we're
gonna get into that, uh, and we're going to get
into Steven Seagal's long and storied friendship with dictators. But
first it's time for some ads for some things that

(39:56):
are not Steven Seagal law man, but I wish they were.
I apologize to our sponsors. You're far better than Steven
Seagale law man, as are we all, and we're back.
Would you say something, Sean? Yeah, I did my basic

(40:18):
underwater demolition systems training in Steven Sall's bathtub. We you know,
the ends out in the water and screamed for a
few minutes called the good Oh boy. You know, Jesse
Ventura was a Navy seal unlike Steven sic and a governor,
and a governor slandered by the sniper Chris Kyle for real. Yeah, yeah,

(40:41):
Chris Kyle claimed that he beat him up in a
bar because for whatever reason he said, Jesse Ventura said
he hoped that Navy seals died in Iraq or someplace,
and I don't like weird in the fist fight against
Jesse Ventura. Well, there was no fight. It was just
a lie. Oh yeah yeah, no, just Eventura sued him
or like sued eventually sued his wife because like he

(41:01):
was dead by that point. Christ, Well that's the beef
when you go after the the wave in Churi explains
that he was suing the guy and then he died
and the lawsuit, Like that's just what happens. Yeah, I
don't know. Don't take that money, Jesse. It does seem
like Jesse the body Ventura was wrong. Yeah. I think
he won too. I mean he's dead and he was lying.

(41:23):
Jesse was lying at no, No, that sniper. They never
had a fight. Why would you, Jesse even sure, like
of all the things, he's not going to say he
wishes Navy seals go die, Like it would be a
strange thing. It would be a strange thing for him
to be super weird to like pick a fight with him. Yeah,
probably walking around two seventy. Yeah, and like like he
knows what he's doing. Well, I mean, now he's like

(41:43):
an elderly man. Yeah, but if he still gets hold
of you and you're just a normal sized dude, I
mean yeah, I mean half he does seem like a
dangerous man, although he does go by the mind. Fincher
And now I think the mind, well, because he's he's
his body's faded, but his mind sharp. He is like
seventy something. Yeah, I mean he's in great shape for
a seventy year old. I'm gonna go by the flopping

(42:05):
dog speaking of flopping dongs, speaking of flopping dons. Yeah, no, no,
we were talking about Steven Seagal. We're talking about Steven Seagal,
and we're talking about Steven Seagal. Lawman um Now, well,
the like, like I said, Steven Seagal got accused of
keeping a woman as a sex slave in his mansion

(42:25):
in rural Louisiana. Strongly against mansions keeping a sex slave.
Oh yeah, no, I have this. This show is generally
pretty anti sex life. According to CBS News, Kay didn't
when twenty three saw an ad for an executive assistant
job with Seagal's production company on greg'slist. She answered it,

(42:47):
and days later was on his private jet, which her starts,
sounds way better than any Craigslist story goes, but then
it immediately descends into what we're all scared of when
we think about Craigslist. Uh. Yeah, she was flown to
New Orleans and then they drove to Seagal's house hours
away in a rural area with no neighbors close by.

(43:08):
It was at this point that Win learned that the
job she was expected to perform had nothing to do
with being an executive assistant. On Win's first uh, first night,
Segal told her that she would be required to give
him massages, which, again, this is all very familiar. This
is exactly what he said to other people. Um. Then,
according to the suit, he proceeded to treating Miss Wynn

(43:29):
as his sex toy. Nwin claims that she was sexually
assaulted three times in a five day period by Steven Seagal.
She also claims that Seagal kept two young Russian attendants
on staff who were available for his sexual needs twenty
four hours a day, seven days a week. I'm going
to read a selection from the lawsuit. Once in Mr
Seagal's bedroom, Sasha began massaging Mr Seagal's back as Miss

(43:50):
Wynn massaged his legs. After approximately seventy minutes, Mr Seagal
abruptly ordered Sasha to leave. As soon as Sasha exited
the bedroom, and before she could escape, Mr Seagal began
a vicious sexual attack on Miss Nun. Mr Seagal held
her right foot down with his leg and pushed his
left knee up with his right hand. Mr Gal then
forced his hand into Miss Win's vagina as Miss Wynn

(44:12):
began sobbing. Mr Seagal became sexually aroused and had a
unique physiological reaction to sexual arousal. Miss Wynn canon will
describe in great detail Mr Seagal's unique physiological reaction to
sexual arousal. Other females who have been present when Mr
Seagal has become sexually aroused will be able to verify
the truthfulness of Miss Wynn's factual knowledge about the characteristics

(44:33):
of Mr Seagal's physiological reactions. God, that is the best
case scenario. Read really trying to inject some lightheartedness into
this nightmare of a story. Well, you're also saying the
best case scenario, Like I really I can't even imagine
what it would be if I haven't heard any sort
of confirmation about what it might be. Um. Mr Seagal

(44:53):
or Miss Nunn claims that Mr Seagal then ordered her
to take some oval shaped pills before he left his room. Um.
He told her that he had illegally procured the pills
from Tibet. She believe she would He wouldn't let her
leave until she took them, so she took them. Um.
She says she was held against her will for almost
a full week. When she finally escapes, She claims to
goal chased after her with a flashlight with a gun

(45:15):
attached to it, which seems like a scene from one
of his movies, but with him as the bad guy.
But I mean, like his top speed's gotta be like
one and a half mile an she got away, Yeah,
she did get away, like h okay, So now, um,
I still got with the girl who was on the
Burning Man crew with with a guy who ran um

(45:37):
kink dot com. And this dude lives in in in Yeah,
it's a gigantic castle in San Francisco that he owned. Yeah,
there's people who work there who are like straight up
sex slaves. Like, that's whatever their fetishes, that's their job,
that's their day job. You don't need to go on
Craigslist and say like, hey, I want an executive assistant.

(45:57):
You can just go on Listen and say I want
a sex slave. And theoretically there's people out there willing
to take that job. Theoretically, Steven Seagal could pay someone
to do this job, but then it wouldn't be a
power thing. I gotta think that's what it is. Like,
It's not just that he wants a sex slave. It's
like he literally wants it only works for him if

(46:20):
like that person is trying to escape. Yeah, maybe that's it.
I mean, I'm not of all the things I'm going
to try to do on this show, psychoanalyzing Stephen fucking
Seagal is not among them. Um So no One claims
that she did not call the police at any point
because she assumed that they would listen to Seagal. Her
lawyer explained, Mr. Segal is the police. She is in

(46:42):
a remote area of Jefferson, Paris. It is Parish, it
is in the middle of nowhere, and he is the police,
which does seem accurate. I think you would have trouble
getting justice and that I mean, look at how hard
it is in an ideal court situation for a victim
to get justice. And then imagine you're in the woods
and Steven Seagal as the police and you're like racist
number four. I'm a young Vietnamese woman and stevens Agal

(47:05):
as sexually assaulted me. Steven's agale. He taught me how
the quality chop through through fourteen pieces of paper. Again,
best case scenario, best case So shoot her on site. Yeah, yeah,
she's not eaten by gators in the parking lot. That

(47:27):
sheriff's department, what we seeing has really taken a hit today. Uh.
Seagal's lawyer obviously called the lawsuit absurd and alleged that
miss Wynn was an illegal drug user, which you might
note does not at all mitigate claims of sexual assault.
You can definitely use drugs and not be sexually so
many drugs and never been a part of any kind

(47:47):
of sexual assault. Yeah, a lot of my friends can
say the same thing. Yeah, not Steven. Not Steven Seagal's friends. Uh.
Now and Win did eventually drop the suit, but only
because she's settled out of court with the goal. It
seems likely she was paid for her silence, which you
can't blame her for. You take the money. Um, But
that's also kind of the same story we sawt with Leinstein,

(48:08):
where there's a lot of NBA's attached to that sort
of choice. Whatever. Man, Yeah, okay, our president just made
fun of the girl for someone some rich guy offers
you five thousand dollars, like exactly, maybe you do that thing.
You can't blame your victim. Uh. So that lawsuit, however,

(48:31):
was the end of Seagull's career as a Louisiana peace officer.
So that's that's good, at least the storied career that was.
That was one bridge too far. According to Jefferson Parish
County Sheriff Newell Normand, Segal was facing an internal affairs
and affairs investigation immediately following the outcome of his lawsuit,
and he refused to return to Jefferson Parish, at which

(48:53):
time he was tendered his resignation. So Segal fled the
state rather than submit to an internal affairs investigation. It
was the end of his career as the Louisiana Sheriff's deputy,
but not however, the end of his career is a
dangerously unqualified police officer. I'm sure you're happy about that, Sean.

(49:13):
It does turn out that after having been accused of
sex trafficking while a uniformed deputy, quite the crime that's likes.
The thing is that they teach you that on day
four and stuff like you call in sick, like you
don't learn that, Hey, deputies don't take sex because you're

(49:34):
starting to get sick on day one. But you really
power through those first couple of days. You don't want
to miss the start before ye conflict. Which one makes
it stop? Yeah? Yeah, yeah, but you mixed the one
on not sex trafficking, Daisy mistake, easy mistake to make,
Steven Seagal, and you can't catch up. Work comes too fast. No,

(49:56):
there's no getting the cliffs notes of that less Sheriff's department.
Of course, it's great because I don't think he ever
had any training, But the fact that now he's not
a real Louisiana sheriff's deputy becomes significant. So what about
the tough streets of northern California. Well, no, that doesn't
count as police training in Louisiana, it says not wrest

(50:19):
legator what are you gonna do? I mean, uh, I'm
gonna make an I'm guessing ride the former shriff. That
seems like what happened. Um, So this was not the
end of Seagull's career as a police officer, as we
already stated. It turns out that, yeah, after having been
accused of all of these crimes, there were still exactly

(50:41):
two organizations willing to support Stephen's dream of carrying a
gun while feeling important any of course, Great Channel any uh,
and the Maricopa County Sheriff's office in Arizona. If you
were going to guess the Sheriff's office, it would be
Joe fucking our pile this. Yeah. So in two thousand

(51:02):
and eleven, Steven Seagal wound up driving a tank into
a man's home. Yeah, well he was in Arizona Sheriff's deputy.
I'm not gonna lie. That's what I would do when
I was in the veterans listening will Yeah, I mean
it's a it was an armored personnel carrier. I think
it was like a bearcat or something like that, didn't

(51:23):
have like a gun on it. I mean I think
it might have had a gun on it. But didn't
have like a turret, you know, not a battle tank.
It's meant to carry people. But it was an armored vehicle.
It was an armored vehicle with a gun on it.
Possibly probably probably treads or wheels. I think treads, Yeah,
they do think treads. Tank. It's been described. It's usually
described as a tank. Alright, alright, alright, alright, other people

(51:45):
are gonna yell at me on Twitter, and it's your fault,
Sean um. So, Steven Seagal had partnered with Sheriff Joe
Apios Posse to arrest a suspected cock fighting host. Segal
has advocated regularly on behalf of PEDA for years and
as a strong animal rights activist, so it makes sense
that he'd consider animal cruelty a crime worthy of having
a small army dispatch to stop it. What makes less

(52:07):
sense is what happened next. I'm going to quote from
an ABC seven article written about the charges the subject
of that raid, Jesus Lavera, levied against Segal in the
Maricopa County Sheriff's Department. Quote. Lavera denies that cock fighting
occurred on his property and says that he raised roosters
for show. He says that one hundred of them are
killed during the raid, and that authorities used two armored

(52:28):
trucks in the tank to smash through a gate into
his yard, and that at least thirty SWAT personnel dressed
in riot gear and armed with handguns arrivals rushed his home.
Lavera said he was unarmed. Lavera said Segal distracted his
chickens by deploying explosives and then commentated to Sheriff's office
tank and crashed through an iron gate on his property.
So Lavera also alleges that his puppy was shot dead

(52:50):
during Jesus So a hundred chickens and a puppy uh.
Segal denized, no bullshit is exactly what I do. If
he gave me a tank in a badge, no, I
would drive straight onto some dude named Jesus property. Kill
all those chickens. It's show roosters. Fuck you Jesus. And
this is again why cops shouldn't have tanks. I barely

(53:16):
agree the army should have tanks. I've known a couple
of tankers. None of them have been people I trust
with tanks. Maybe no one should be trusted with tanks.
I think my whole point is I know enough about
myself to self select away from a job that would
give me a tank. Yeah. Yeah, Steven Seagal put himself
right there, killed a hundred chickens and maybe a puppy. Allegedly,

(53:39):
he denies it. I grew up on a farm and
I've met some chickens, so I don't give a ship
some chickens. That chickens are miserable, Yeah, garbage monster. I
live with some chickens up in my last place in Arcada,
and they were always shooting on the floor. Yeah, they're
terrible animals. They have. We used to have a water
supply for chickens. It's sort of like an upset down
bucket with the trough that would sort of percolate into
the trough and the chicken with shit in it in

(54:01):
a way that like didn't make any sense. It implied
they either like slowly back their ass into their own
water supply where they were leaping over it and like
acrobatically shitting with perfect timing, and so at a certain
point you're just like, why go through so much trouble
the ship in your water supply unless you're just a
garbage monster that shouldn't exist. So that's how I feel

(54:22):
about chickens. I want to hear about cock fighting, like
all right, well, whatever what they were gonna do. Anyway,
speaking of which I watched, if I can still keep
talking about chickens, my mother was attacked by a chicken.
One We had two roosters, and when you have two roosters,
they kind of go crazy because uh the other thing.
Much like steavens are called, chickens are hardcore rapists. No
chicken has ever willingly given herself to the love making

(54:44):
process of a bird. So she'll be walking along like,
what's this in the ground, what's this in the ground,
and the rooster will come up and like and like,
she'll freak the funk out for four seconds and then
the rooster will leave and he'll do that to her
every single day. Chickens have a terrible life and they
all should be killed. But the point is, if you
have two roosters, they go crazy. My mom goes out
to COLLECTI mix and one of these roosters, driven mad
by dick competition, leaps at her face and she comes

(55:08):
in and she's like, oh my god, the rooster trying
to kill me. My Stepna Egg. He's like, nobody tries
to kill my wife. And so he takes he takes
a side arm out to the chicken. Cooper. I'm just
a young child, you know what I mean. Like, I'm like, well,
you're going shooting, that's weird. He usually takes me and
he fucking gets like his feet childer with the part
like execution style. He's so fucking pissed at this rooster

(55:28):
and he explodes a chicken just twenty ft from me, unprepared,
and I'm like, what what is going on with this
entire world? And and I'm just saying, like, this is
an ordinary day in the life of a chicken farmer.
No and chickens. I will also say in his sus
is you know, defense or whatever. A hundred chickens is

(55:48):
not a weird number of chickens to have if you
have chickens, right, But if they have more than one rooster,
chances are he was making them fight. And it says
a hundred chickens. Now, I don't know. I don't know
if the ABC seven reporters did that much background work.
I'm saying, hey, let's do a background on that fella. Well,
I'm gonna guess maybe Steven Seagale was right to drive

(56:10):
a tank on his property and just go fucking and
shoot his puppy dogs. Okay, that part is like, dude
in front of his kids, Steven Seagal, Well, dude, I
was actually a little bit when I watched that chicken explode.
I was a little bit wrecked. If that was a
dog I saw, I'd be That would have been the
tenth time today I told that story because that would
have been all I think about. Yeah. No, those kids

(56:33):
are haunted by darkness. There's some fucking dexter kids us
seeing a puppy guy get shot by some cops or
Steven Seagale on clear which Steven Seagald denies all allegations.
Uh clearly. So yeah, it's hard to say exactly what happened.
His Who's adds that when he was removed from the building,
he was immediately asked to sign a release us the

(56:54):
show use your Chicken House on TV? Can we use
this on TV? He did not sign the release. Good
this is not aired on television? Um it, but like
blurred his face blur the chicken faces trampled by all
but one of the chicken faces. There was one chicken one.

(57:14):
He wants to be a star. He's trying to get
a spot in the real world. Louisiana. Solvere's cock fighting
charge was quickly dismissed, probably because it seems like the
police broke many laws. There's coming. There's a fucking low
against driving a tank on a Sandy's house with like
no problem cause the Quartering Act. Weirdly enough, it's a
little corollary in there, but it's up in there. No

(57:37):
no British soldiers in your home, No tanks through your gangs,
your chicken coop. Nope, nope, not allowed, not allowed. Uh.
Lavera was charged with possession of steroids, which I'm gonna
guess is probably not what they deployed thirty SWAT officers
and several armored peoples find was he ripped or do
you have like some back painters. I think it might
have been steroids for the animals. To be honest, it's
not uncommon. You know. They founded like a small fridge

(57:59):
near the chick guns or something like that. Who knows
chicken breaths so pumped up wholl you're not gonna have good.
He's like raising them for food and not to fight.
Each other. This, This would further exam if they're birds
legal birds? Yeah, boy, unless I guess, do you give
steroids to fighting cocks. I have never hosted cock fights. Uh.

(58:24):
I was in a fight with the Turkey once, who
was a gentleman's fight. Yeah, yeah, and we both won
the gentleman. Yeah, differences were settled, were differences were settled.
We came to an accord. It's a good time. Um so. Yeah,
the raid was never aired. Here's a picture of Steven

(58:45):
Seagal in a fake uniform next to JR. Pio also
wearing a fake uniform. He's in like marine digiKam and
Joe R. Pio is in the Sheriff's office, but he
has four stars on his shoulders, as if he's George
fucking Paton four star General Department. What is it about
the worst people in history? And it's the goddamn Halloween costume. Yeah,

(59:09):
it's it's shockingly it's like two guys that got kicked
out of a house party on Halloween for like fucking Yeah.
One of the things that's funny about this. I was
in Ukraine for their first independence day after the Maidan Revolutions.
This is while he is kind of like the Civil
War is really just starting to heat up, and they
had just opened up their military to like volunteers, so like,

(59:30):
essentially it seemed like from what I could gather, if
you put on a uniform, you were basically in the army,
and they had and we did. As close the close
we got to the front line, there were a lot
of just like middle aged dudes who had a kalashnikov
and throw on a thing. But they were like when
we were in Kiva, far away from the fighting. It's
just every man was in a uniform and there were
a lot of very heavy set older men clearly trying

(59:50):
to pick someone up by pretending they were going to
go fight in the civil war, and like you just
bought a uniform. That's how Steven Seagal looks in this picture.
Uh yeah, I multifided war sexy. Although the actual Steven
Seagal would never have sided with the Ukrainians against the
Russian occupiers. I do know enough about Steve know he's

(01:00:13):
a very big fan of very big fan of Russia,
very against the sovereignty of people who decide their own.
The case against Lavera was eventually overturned or the case
that Lavera filed against Seagal and the sheriff Department was
eventually dismissed by a judge after Lavera fired his lawyer
and failed to show open court to pursue matters. Further,

(01:00:35):
there was a controversy in Arizona over all of this
because even though the opening to Steven Seagal Lawman said
said Stephen was on loan from Jackson Parish, he had
actually resigned and was therefore in the same Yeah, in
shame for sex trafficking. It was no longer a law man,
which means our Pio was not using a loan Louisiana
Sheriff's deputy, but was just letting a random civilian dressed

(01:00:57):
like a soldier leader criminal. Yeah, a fugitive sex criminal
who had run from an internal affairs investigation drive a tank,
wearing a uniform and armed with a gun. Joio his
kind of guy. Jora Pio will for sure be an
episode of this show. Um. Steven Seagal Lawman only lasted

(01:01:18):
three seasons. But don't you dare, don't you fucking dare
Sean feel sorry for Steven Seagal. He has he has
other priorities than his television career priorities, like his friendships
with several of the world's most prominent dictators, drama, and
he's got that widow's peak that like touches the bridge
of his nose. Very unusual, very unusual. Most men don't

(01:01:41):
because the other direction. Yeah, yeah, was not Steven Seagal. Uh. So,
let's start with Victor Lukashenko, the so called last dictator
in Europe and the leader of Belarus. Lukashenko is known
for torturing and disappearing political rivals and letting his small
child walk around with a golden handgun. Uh. He Segal
met up back in two thousand and sixteen, and um,

(01:02:04):
it's it's it's special. The dictator called him his dear friend,
and Segal claimed to have Belarusian ancestry, which he's claimed
that about numerous nations around the world. He's quite a
mixed classic Mongol Belarusian. At one point they stopped by
to pick some fresh carrots, and then this happened. Sean,
I I think I haven't seen the carrot. I'm not

(01:02:27):
going to show you the carrot picture. I am going
to show you Steven Seagal eating a goddamn parrot. Carrot
with a dictator. All right, here's this. So they're they're
they're at a farm picking carrots, and uh, Lukashenko, the dictator,
who had his last political rival for president imprisoned and tortured,

(01:02:48):
is shaving up a carrot and about to hand it
to Stephen. He's going to town that carrot, really thinking
about it. You, Yeah, you owe it to yourself to
watch Steven Seagal eat eat a carrot, because he eats
it exactly the way people don't eat carrots or anything contemplatively,

(01:03:10):
contemplatively eats a carrot handed to him by a dictator
while the dictator's son who was carrying a very heavy
golden handgun in that video because he always is why
not always is? Uh? It tells him it's healthy daughter
numb chucks, which I think is like a little cooler
than a golden gun. I mean, I don't want to.

(01:03:32):
Nikolai Lukashenko wouldn't agree. How many times did your daughter
met Hugo Hugo Chavez? How many times she met that
Jesus guy that had all those dead chickens. You're just
doing the Steven Seagal lawman tour of the Southwest. Yeah,
like that every year visited the sight of Steven Seagal's

(01:03:54):
greatest crimes. That's a long vacation. Oh my god, it's
about to get longer. Um. According to the Moscow Times,
he was later handed a watermelon by Lukashenko's son, but
was not required to eat it on the spot. Belarusian losses,
you may wait up to seven hours before eating watermelon.

(01:04:14):
Apologies to our Belarusian listeners. Why would you apologies? It's
because there's no way this media is allowed there. They
have a dictator. I'm so sorry for your plate solidarity
my friends. Um, So this gets into something that I
think drives some people crazy, which is the weird ways
in which all of the world's shittiest and most dangerous
people are connected. Like, so far, we've we've done one

(01:04:37):
episode that featured partly on Lukashenko, We've done one on
Alex Jones. We're definitely gonna cover Joe our Pile. He's
already friends with all of these people and we're not
even through fucking Steven Seagal's dictator buddies. It's weird that
terrible people have friends. I think this is like the
root of a lot of conspiracy theories. But I think
it's kind of sensible if you just assumed that shitty
people like to hang out with other shitty people, Like

(01:04:57):
who else he's going to hang out with Steven Seagal
but garbage, Like if you're talking about like your your
date and you're like, how did date go, You're like,
oh god, I don't know if we have a lot
in common, And then Steven seagaell is like, she tried
to get away, but I had already had my hands
on her wrist and she tore her arm off, And
they're like cool, Whereas I think you or I might say, Stephen,
that's a terrible story. Stephen, that's horrible and also certainly

(01:05:20):
did not happen. It definitely didn't happen. You're a liar.
You are sweating just standing up to get the check.
Steven Seagal. Uh, Steven Seagal, we're on this subject. This
has been the subject of the whole podcast. So it
may not surprise you know that Steven Seagal is also
friends with Rudby Good tear tape. Yeah, yeah, the President

(01:05:40):
of the Philippines, who has had twenty people and counting
murdered by motorcycle bound death squads during one meeting. To
be fair, he said, only kill the rug users. Right, Well,
but you're gonna shoot people, You're gonna hit other people. Yeah, yeah,
I understand the cost of murdering users. Wasn't one of
his movies Collateral damage? It should have been on Schwarzenegger

(01:06:03):
might have done a colladdle damage. I mean that was
an actual time cruise movie, right, collateral worth Jimmie Foxx, Yeah, yeah,
yeah with the taxi cap colladdle damage was Schwarzenegger. Oh
and that that that New Zealand guy and now a
guy that always plays Middle Eastern people. I can tell
you that Steven Seagal is a great friend to Rodery

(01:06:23):
good Do Tarry Tame. During their meeting, uh Segal told
the almost dictator that he'd visited the country more than
a hundred times, although he did not specify why. I'm
gonna guess creepy gross Steven Seagal sex. Yeah, yeah, that's
a dent what I'm going to guess, because he's Steven Seagal,
maybe zero times and he's just sucking lying. Maybe he's

(01:06:44):
just a gigantic liar because he's lied about every single
other thing. Maybe he mistook it for Hawaii. Oh yeah,
I've been there hundred times. Yeah. Um. So. Steven Seagal's
most lasting and most consequential friendship is with one of
the most powerful, endangerous men on the planet, Vladimir Putin.
The how behind this friendship started with a guy named
Bob van Runkel. Mr Van Rinkel lived in Moscow until

(01:07:07):
recently and ran the company Doors to Hollywood, which specialized
in taking famous people over to Russia. While Van Runkel
denies any political motivation to his work, it really does
seem like his job was basically to make famous people
sympathetic to a number of Russian and Eastern oligarchic power
brokers in order to push a very specific and particular
political agenda in the United States towards Russia. He's basically

(01:07:31):
bringing celebrities over to the East in order to make
them like Russia and like Ukrainian oligarchs, and then they'll
talk nice about it. Okay, No, that seemed to be
kind of his goal. You know, he's been at parties
with Trump and stuff too. There's some there's some weird
connections there. I just found out about this guy that
wise I would have done a deeper dive into Van Wrinkel.
But he is the guy who apparently introduced Vladimir Putin

(01:07:52):
and stevens Goal. He also, weirdly enough, he introduced Oleg Deripashka,
who is um he's in a Ukrainian aluminium tycoon who
was Paul Manafort's entry into that part of the world.
He introduced Darra Poshka to Jim Carey for reasons that
are unclear to me so far. I'll be looking into that,
but I don't I don't like the sound of that

(01:08:13):
at all. I don't like the sound of Jim Carrey.
Jim Carey doesn't need to be meeting any Ukrainian oligarch.
Seems like if you had him alone in a room,
he might believe everything you said for Yeah. Yeah. He
doesn't seem like a guy who's who thinks when he
hears something, he doesn't think maybe that's not true. Yeah that.
He seems like a nice guy, but does not seem

(01:08:33):
like he has a great deal of credibility in terms
of his ability to question. Yes. Uh, very curious about
that meeting. Yeah, very curious about that meeting. In two
thou ten fan Runcle brought Steven Seagal to Russia. Quote.
I was hired to bring Steven Seagal to perform with
his band for another event with President Putin, so it

(01:08:54):
was kind of responsible for that introduction, Stephen becoming best
friends with him. So that's nice. That's beautiful and well
said to inn pr Um. I really hope Putin enjoyed, uh,
Steven Seagal's blues band. I bet he didn't. He doesn't
have a ton of joy in his life. But also
Steven Seagall's band, Fucking Sun, that song, it's pretty hot.

(01:09:16):
I will say. One of the nice things about this
whole tragic story is imagining these like these, like old
sad blues singers getting a free trip to Russia, like fun.
At least you know, they probably had rough lives. They're not.
They're not Steven Seagal. Good luck, guys. I hope Vladimir,
I hope you stay in blues. Well, we were saying

(01:09:39):
about Punani right, there was no blues. We put on
some Jamaican accent. It was a shameful time for all,
but we stayed in a nice hotel. I hope that
that fields some good blues albums, like the sorrow of
being having to work with Steven Seagal in Russia, just
that we would seem like it might playing with Seagal blues, Yeah,

(01:10:02):
everyone can relate. Everyone's been in a band headed by
a lying rapist a keto master. That is a tale
as old as time, so uh. And an after party
for the event where Seagal's band played for the president,
the actor met Putin personally. The two kept up a
friendship for years and bonded over their mutual love of

(01:10:23):
martial arts, which I mean, obviously in a fight between
the two, there's there's not even a question Vladimir Putin's
gonna tear him apart. But I definitely have Vladimir Putin
that fight. He he seems like a dangerous man in
a number of ways. Uh, not to overstake his kid
any but I also know that at least dabbles in judo,
which beats a kido any day. Well. And it's also

(01:10:44):
like he just doesn't seem like the kind of guy
to hesitate to hurt somebody, which is kind of the
key when you're trying to hurt somebody. And I think
Steven Seagal could get cowed by just like a harsh word,
yeah yeah, or a couple of mafia people when he's
the only one in the room with a gun. Oh
boy uh. In two thousand and sixteen, Putin gave Segal

(01:11:05):
a Russian passport and Russian citizenship, which is the kind
of thing you could do when you aren't accountable to
the laws of your own nation. It's a sweet gig
being a dictator. According to The Washington Post, Seagal once
referred to Putin as one of the greatest world leaders,
if not the greatest world leader alive. Today, his geopolitical
bromance with Putin is only part of the attraction to

(01:11:25):
the country. Then, Runkel estimated his career peaked there, but
he's not doing the thirty to sixty million dollar movies
he once was. Russia is a place to rebrand himself,
and apparently Segal decided to rebrand himself as an international
diplomat to dictators. Yeah, well, I mean this is natural,
natural elevation. Uh, And he's in thirteen, Russia's deputy Prime

(01:11:46):
Minister Dmitri rogozen Uh suggested to President Obama that Steven
Seagal be given a special diplomatic status to help bridge
the hostile gap that had developed between the two nations.
President Obama declined because he was an actual person who
knows things. I can't believe this story doesn't go off
in a President Obama direction. Oh oh, if only if

(01:12:09):
only um Putin did find a way around Obama. Since
Segal was already a Russian citizen in two thousand eighteen,
Putin just had him appointed a special diplomatic envoy for Russia.
This means that Steven Seagal, alleged sexual harasser and serial rapist,
alleged serial rapist, is now in charge of improving Russo
American relations do a great job so far. There's so

(01:12:31):
much more to say about Steven Seagal, and we're their time.
We could continue talking about Seagal for hours. He is
a truly remarkable piece of shit. But I'm afraid we
have to draw the line at some point, and this
is where I fixed it. I do want to tell
one little story about Judo Geane LaBelle. Tell me a
little about Judo Geenan Leabell, because I understand this guy
is a He's like, he's legit Judo guy. He uh

(01:12:54):
you know, he was the trained rounda rowsie back in
the day, and he did some like m m a
before that was like a thing like he had some
real fights against boxers where he would like, you know,
take him down and choke him out. And I I
assume the story you're telling about him and Steven Seagal
was Steven Seagal um talking to Geane Lell and I
was like, I could get out of it any joked

(01:13:14):
and Judo jeans like, well whatever, Pal, he said no, no, no,
And so he talked him into like putting him in
a real choke hold, and he said he had a
special move that could get him out of any choke. Yeah,
And here's what that fucking special move was. It was
a cry chop to the dick, Like like that's the
fucking make believe world Steven Seagal was living in that

(01:13:35):
he thought his he knew his secret to get out
of a choke. And it was like the first move
that fucking man invented when they started fighting was a
hit to the thought. He invented the punch to the dick.
So Jean LeBell chokes out Steven Seagal and Segal allegedly
craps his pants and Seagal has denied this. Why you're
not gonna admit to that if you're a liar, you're

(01:13:57):
not and LaBelle was even the classiest you could be
about saying another man. He was like, well, you know,
it's not uncommon when a guy has choked out after
having a big meal. It might happen. He wasn't mean
about it. I think stevenaga pants. I think it's we
got a chance of Steven his pants. So before we
roll out here, Sean. I. When I started research for this,

(01:14:18):
I googled the name Steven Seagal, just typed it in
and see what would turn up. You know, usually a
fun place to start research. On the right hand side
of the search results page, I was presented with three
quotes from the actor in Luminary. I'd like to read
those quotes now. Quote number one. I am hoping that
I could be known as a great writer and actor
someday rather than as a sex symbol. Oh he did right.

(01:14:44):
He did write a book recently, The Way of the
Shadow Wolves, with someone else. We Will Will Will. That
has to be another. There was just too much I
couldn't cover it. It's about how Obama tried to conquer
the country. It's really like all of the Fox News
talking points like filtered through Lex jones craziness into the
mind of a very, very dumb man who doesn't care
about the truth. Weird that he went hard right, because

(01:15:06):
you would have guessed he would have been like a
looney left kind of guy. Think, yeah, what with like
the Buddhism and the spirituality stuff. But nope, he's all
in on Trump. Interesting. Interesting how that happens. Uh. Second quote,
I have made a lot of mistakes, but I've worked hard.
I have no fear of death. More important, I don't
fear life. You there's a lot of wisdom in that

(01:15:28):
statement from Steven Seagal. Alright, dude, that's the most fucking
I'm trying to sound fucking wise. Bullshit. I didn't even
include this stuff like a dumb person trying to sound smart.
One of the through lines in this is his repeated
attempts to get writing credits on movies he didn't write,
and being denied them by like the writers give the
w g A being like, no, you didn't write this,

(01:15:50):
you don't get a writing credit. I should have all
the funny lines, do what. I don't get a writer
credit for that. He also said he'd rather be doing
movies like sense and sensibility than under siege, something like that.
Like that he wished, he wanted to pull people's heart strings.
Good luck to you, buddy. He didn't, never did not
even he didn't even try one. He had the poll,
he could have made it. Never attempt Claude man damn

(01:16:10):
did nowhere to run? That was sort of a and
he did. J CVD was had some emotional beats, had
some emotional beats. Um, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna,
I'm gonna want one more quote. It doesn't work if
the bad guys kill his mother's, uncle's friends, neighbor's pet dog.
You've got to make the steaks high, which I think
is fun because he almost certainly killed a guy's dock. Yeah. Absolutely,

(01:16:32):
that guy killed seventy of the guys chickens in one minute.
Oh boy, Steven Seagal, that's all I have on Steven Seagal. Uh,
I think that's plenty. That was more than enough. Real
piece of shit, Sean. Do you want to plug your
plugubles before we roll out here? You find me on
crack dot com, you find on Twitter, but cacular moble devices. Yeah,

(01:16:55):
that's it. I'm around him. You can find me on Twitter,
right I right again. You can find me on or
you can find our website behind the pastors dot Com,
where there will be some very very sad pictures to
Steven Seagal um really a profoundly depressing As well as
all the sources for this article. You can also find
us on Twitter and Instagram at Bastor's Pod and uh yeah,

(01:17:19):
that's it. This is the end of the episode. I
cannot imagine talking more about Steven Seagal. So we're done.
We might run, we might watch it now we're talking.
M