Secrets of Osama Bin Laden's Hard Drive

What was actually found on Osama Bin Laden's recovered Hard Drive? In Episode 3, Robert is joined by Ify Nwadiwe (Nerdificent) and they discuss the unraveling mysteries of what Osama Bin Laden was really watching. Spoiler Alert: tons of  porn, anime, 'witchcraft hentai' and so much more!

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
M Hey, everybody, welcome to Behind the Bastards, the show
where we tell you everything you don't know about the
very worst people in all of history. I'm Robert Evans
hosting your show today, and with me is my friend Iffy. Hey,
how's it going doing great? If he is a comedian
actor podcast heer? Uh, you want to talk about some
of the stuff you're up to right now? Yeah? You

(00:21):
know you can listen to me tuesdays on this very
network Nerdificent Monday's Katie Dinner with Matt Niffy talking spicy
and you know, just every night pretty much, not every night,
but you can see me at comedy clubs doing staying ups. Well,
we are today talking about a very famous nerd who's
not famous for being a nerd, but is famous for

(00:44):
blowing up the World Trade Center towers, um Osama bin Laden. Uh. Yeah,
he is our subject for today. Uh. Now, when I
started working on this podcast, I figured it was going
to be like a biographical overview of his weird life
and we're going to talk about all these things from
his past and you know, all the all the stuff
he got up to as a as a young man
and a kid. Uh. And then I spent an entire
week looking through the archives that the CIA posted of

(01:06):
everything that was on his hard drives. And so now
this podcast is going to be mostly about that, because
it is no matter what you've read about it, it's
so much fucking crazier than what you would guess. Um.
But first we are going to start with a little
bit of an overview of the man, the myth, the
big and tall gentleman himself, Osama Ibben Mohammed Ibben Awad
ibbin Laden. He was born on March tenth, nineteen fifty seven,

(01:29):
to Mohammed bin Laden's tenth wife, Ali Agammon. And as
you might guess, Mohammed bin Laden was richest shit. He
was like a self made man, rags to riches sort
of thing. Started off as a day laborer, built a
billion dollar construction empire. Uh then fund married God knows
how many women um in the Looming Tower. Lawrence Right
describes Mohammed bin Laden's household as being run like a corporation.

(01:50):
Each wife would manage your children and then report to
him about how they were doing, so he didn't have
to do any parenting. Yeah, that's a pretty sweet deal. Um,
here's a great quote. Uh, the children rarely saw the
great man, who was off in away on business. Whenever
he returned, he would call them into his office and
gaze upon his vast brood. During the Islamic feasting days,
he would kiss them and give each child a gold coin.

(02:10):
Otherwise he rarely spoke to them. Osama once said quote,
I remember reciting a poem to him, and he gave
me a hundred rials, which was a huge amount of
money in those days. So that was like Osama's dad. Wow. Yeah,
it is like once a week he would call them
all in and give them coins. And you know, there's
there's like an alternate universe where that money he got
from that poem made Osama bin Laden become this great poet.

(02:33):
He's looked at differently in universe six to six, where
I'm not a stand up comedian, I'm a computer programmer.
Uh rich off a bitcoin. I thought you were going
to say that you did nine eleven and this alternate
Sama bin Laden where I do it. Um? So yeah.
You you could describe ben Laden's relationship to his father

(02:56):
as distant. It's possible he only actually saw him a
couple of times. Um so yeah, Um Mohammed divorced his
wife shortly after Osama was born. Um, this is an
a sign that he grew up in a fractured at
home because mohammedan Laden's thing was like marrying and divorcing
a ton of women, but then he'd helped them pick
new husbands. Yeah, which is weird because like Osama wound
up with his new dad being his real bio dad's

(03:20):
uh employee, which is like a strange situation for everybody involved. Seriously. Yeah.
Um so yeah, he never really knew his dad very well.
He was raised by his mom and like the rest
of us television, Um, his favorite show was Bonanza. His
favorite genre was American westerns. Um, which actually puts him
in the same boat as Stalin and Hitler, who were

(03:41):
both obsessed with American westerns. It's almost like there's something
with westerns like that ideology. Yeah, and it makes sense
that Clint Eastwood is a piece of ship like that.
It all comes full circle. Yeah, Clint Eastwood, John Wayne
just both big dicks and and yeah it's it's I
guess a of course, a bunch of monsters and dictators

(04:02):
would love a genre where like the basic premises like
unstoppable killing machine with a gun, rides into town and
murders everyone who annoys him. Yeah yeah, yeah, yeah, that's
the story of the Old West. Um. Although another one
of his favorite shows was a Western called Fury, which
was about a young orphan who befriends a black horse
that helps him heal the wounds of his past. Um

(04:23):
and Solomon Laden loved horses. Was obsessed with horses. Will
get into that in a little bit. Um. It's worth
noting that for the last few years of his life,
been Laden wore a cowboy hat every time he went outside. Um.
Apparently he thought this would hide his identity from US
drones and satellites. I think he was just like, yeah,
I want to be like the man with no name.
Yeah yeah, which is that's a cool move if you're

(04:45):
the most wanted man in the world donning a black
cowboy hat. Hell yeah. I support Bin Laden in that, um.
Bin Laden was a weird, quiet kid. He had trouble
making friends and focusing on sports. He always seem to
have his head in the clouds. He didn't really find
his crew until high school, when he joined up with
the semi clandestine Muslim brotherhood. One fellow member said only
nerds were in it. Um, it's kind of like an

(05:08):
alt right four chance sort of thing, where like there's
these weird conservative corners of like the nerdy Internet, where
like people are just being turned into fascists and yeah,
like this was that equivalent of that. Like they're all
these like nerds who think that like this hard lined
interpretation of Islam should rule the world, and like they
don't really get along with every anyone else. Yeah, so

(05:30):
this is like an old trend in the world. Yeah, yeah,
it seems very very cyclical. Yeah. Um, he was stubborn.
Like I said, he was obsessed with horses, but he
was also excited by danger. There's a quote from his
friend Khalifa, who said, uh, and this is again from
Blooming Tower. We were riding horses in the desert and
we were going very fast. I saw fine sand in
front of us, and I told I, saw my this

(05:51):
is dangerous. Better stay away. He said no, and he continued.
His horse turned over and fell down. He got up laughing.
Another time, we were riding in a jeep. Whenever he
saw a hill, he would drive very fast and go
over it, even though we didn't know it was on
the other side. Really he put us in danger many times,
which is like I like that. I mean that that
makes me connect to a Sama a little bit because

(06:11):
he was a fan of the fun. Yeah, you know,
all this stuff aside, he had a he had a
soft heart for hidden nice jumps off of dude. Yeah,
it was just getting that like, it's not really fun
if you can't die. Yeah, I identify with that a little. Um.
So Yeah. Osama married for the first time in seventy

(06:32):
four when he was seventeen years old. His wife was
fourteen uh, which yeah yeah um. Marriage and his wartime
experiences in Afghanistan didn't seem to change his fundamental nature
as a gawky nerd. One person who met him as
a young man in Afghanistan said that shaking hands with
him was like shaking hands with a girl, which is
a misogynistic way of saying. He was not very aggressive.

(06:53):
He was known to cover his mouth with his hand
while laughing, which is of adorable. Um. He's love of
horses matured into an outright obsession. One man who met
him in nineteen eighty five described their first conversation. We
were in a prayer hall in a guesthouse. People asked
him to talk, so he talked about horses. He said,
if you love a horse, he will respond to you.
That's what was in his mind. Horses. So just a

(07:16):
horse love and dude. Yeah, um, yeah. So there's a
lot of debate over how been Laden got radicalized and
pushed into an ever more direct confrontation with the US
Looming Tower, which is being turned into TV show right now,
and makes the case that Zawahiri, the Egyptian co leader
of al Qaeda, kind of radicalized him into attacking America.
Another book I read for this just titled Asama bin

(07:37):
Laden about Michael Scherer Um assures us that that's bullshit.
It's a line in the Saudi's pushed to diminish the
culpability of their native son. Ben Laden would have wound
up swinging hard for Uncle Sam without zawahirii's help. Either way,
it seems like both of these are just saying not
of the U s IS destabilization of the Middle East
has nothing at all to do with it. It's definitely
these other people. Yeah, it was something other than him

(07:59):
just being piste off sticking their dick everywhere in Russia's
sticking there. Yeah, that's one of those things. Is like
a kid I remember growing off, I was like, why
did my eleven happened? Mom was like, well, they were
angry at us for letting women be free and having alcoholics.
Like no, we keep bombing them. They just just whenever
we want, like this, this is going to be a

(08:20):
small tangent, we'll bring it back. But it could have
been any country that is screwed over by are just
tug of war with the other superpowers in the world.
All it took was just someone with the gumption and
just enough anger, and you have yourself in Osama bin Laden. Yeah,
and that's like there, and there was probably a thousand
other people who had the same anger and similar plans

(08:42):
and just not the means. One of them happened to
be a rich kid who was like you know, had
established himself as a as a jihadi leader. But yeah,
um and he like it is if you look at
sort of the evolution of terrorism, like Osama fits right in.
Like in seventy two, when he was in middle school,
members of the Palestinian terror group Black September kidnapped a
bunch of Israeli athletes at the Olympics. It was the

(09:04):
biggest story in the world. People stopped caring and just
watching this terrorist thing. So it was like it was
like a lesson as a young man that like, oh,
media is the biggest thing about committing terrorism. Like that's
what's important. It doesn't matter how many people you kill.
It matters where you kill them and whether or not,
like it gets traction on the international news. Um and
you know, obviously bin Laden was good at getting traction

(09:27):
in the international news. By the end um and uh,
he established a press office in the early nineties, and
he sent out constant streams of messages and declarations in
his pre nine eleven years. The problem was nobody read them.
Some of this was down to the fact that he
sucked at writing titles. One article he sent out was
quote message to his Muslim brothers in the whole world
and especially in the Arabian Peninsula, which is not clickable. Yeah, yeah,

(09:50):
nobody's gonna tweet that ship, yeah at all, Like not
even you won't believe what happens next, Yeah, you won't
believe what I have to say to Muslim brothers in
the whole world and especially in the Arabian Peninsula. There
there you go. All right, well we'll pitch that to BuzzFeed.
Um In bin Lan moved to Afghanistan. Uh. He and

(10:10):
his colleagues were free here to like set up training
camps and practice openly with weaponry for a while. It
was a pretty cool time and profits and princes. Mark
Weston describes it. The machine guns his followers used were
mostly Russian and Chinese a K forty sevens, but also
included Israeli oozys and American. In sixteens, the militants learned
how to use dynamite, hand grenades, mortars, shoulder fired rockets,
C three and four explosives. Some nights they watched Hollywood

(10:33):
action movies, partly to relax, but also to gain tips.
That actually sounds like a pretty sweet life, like blowing
stuff up in the desert all day and watching action
movies at night. Like, I know, I love that they
use it for chips, because I'm sure those tips weren't
that great. A lot of terrorists holding guns sideways, Yeah,
I used to imagine them watching True Lies and being

(10:56):
so on board for that. Oh yeah, that's what we
got it. We got to get us a harrier jet.
Watching die Hard, Die Hard, did nine eleven. He heard
it here, folks. Um. Yeah, Bin Laden was a computer guy.
He always had a computer with him because he was
a hipster. He used an old MacBook UM, which he
powered using an ancient gas generator that no one else

(11:17):
was allowed to use. UM. If you grew up in
the immediate post nine eleven period, you might remember like
those old diagrams of his fortress in Afghanistan where it
would show like he has all these different chambers and
munitions rooms and hydro electric generators. That was all lies. Um.
He had a mountain fortress, but it like wasn't a
G I. Joe set. It was just like a bunch

(11:37):
of caves with a shitty generator and a power book.
He spent nine eleven in a cave, barely able to
get a radio signal to here about the attacks. Um.
But when he fled Afghanistan, he brought a media truck
with him that had been upgraded with satellite TV receivers
in radio antenna, so he could monitor the news about
himself as it happened. That was always a priority of him.
He wanted to know what people were saying about him

(11:57):
and about the stuff that he was doing. UM. So
post nine eleven, bin Laden is officially famous, but he
still frets over his inability to connect with more people
on an intellectual level. Folks paid attention to his murders
but not his ideas, which is a problem all the
great Hartists have. Um when all kind of courier interviewed
by The Guardian in Pakistan stated, every time I took
a new tape, he told me how important my mission

(12:19):
was and how this time the Muslims of the world
would finally listen, and how I must absolutely deliver the
tape to the right people. Which if you've seen any
of those videos, it's just been loading talking to a
camera for hours. Like there's none of the flash the
ices videos where they've got like Dutch angles and see
that's where it's the next step that you have illusion there,
Like see the reason it didn't catch fires He never

(12:39):
took a course and after effects. Yeah, yeah, he didn't
have anybody who could do like speed ramping and stuff.
To like make it look cool. You got to put
that Ally mcbeel baby in it. That'll give people listening,
you know. Um, if you'd one way, it looks like
Osama kind of fell into the trap a lot of
celebrities wind up and where they sort of obsess over

(13:00):
media image and flip out every time they're misquoted or misinterpreted.
Um Osama strikes me as someone who, if he was
on Twitter, would be like James Woods, Um, just like
furious anytime somebody argues with him. Um. Obviously, he went
on the run when the US invaded Afghanistan even like
spent like five years in constant movement uh, successfully fleeing
from the most powerful war and surveillance apparatus ever conceived.

(13:22):
Then he moved to a compound in the suburb of
a Bodhabad, Pakistan in January if two thousand six, Um,
you don't stay hidden for five years in the compound
from the United States by staying connected to the internet obviously.
So his compound didn't even have a phone line, um,
but he still had access to the Internet, and it
was like the courier version of dial up Internet. So

(13:42):
he would type out emails to people and like a
word document, and he would save him onto a thumb
drive and then have a courier drive out to like
an internet cafe in another country or just miles and
miles and miles away and the courier would send those emails,
wait for responses, download them back to a drive, and
then drive back to ben Laden. Um. But he didn't

(14:03):
just do that with emails. He also, like would download
other things for bin Laden too. Um. Oh yeah, it's
a good spicy Yeah. So you know, you're sitting in
a compound that has no phone connection, no television, no
internet for five years, you're gonna get bored. You're gonna
ask people to download some stuff for you to watch. Uh,

(14:24):
And that's exactly what bin Laden did. An Associated Press
report on this manpowered internet connection noted that the courier
took other data back, which included, you know, everything you
can imagine, even pornography. Okay, do we have the type?
Do we have any info on the type? Well, so
that's a bit there. There has been a bit of
a battle over releasing what type of porn was on

(14:48):
Osamam and Lanza, because my guess is Simpson's cartoon porn.
It's it's weird how close you are. Um. Here's how
Reuter's reported on it when sort of the story first
broke quote the pornography recovered in bin Laden's compound in
a Bodabad Pakistan consists of modern electronically recorded video and

(15:08):
is fairly extensive. The officials said they were not yet
sure precisely where in the compound the pornography was discovered
or who had been viewing it. Specifically, these officials said
they did not know if been Lattin himself had acquired
or viewed the materials, so it's it's a mystery. We
know that the non pornographic videos and movies that he
had were about a hundred and sixty gigs worth, so

(15:28):
if they're saying that he had an extensive porn collection,
we can assume that the quantity of porn was substantial,
and the tens to hundreds of gigging its range. His
porn was apparently kept in a wooden box like we
all do. Yeah, and it was I shouldn't say his
point because we can't say for certainty who the porn
belonged to. And when I first heard that, I was like, Okay,
so he's probably living in a house with like a

(15:49):
fucking hundred bodyguards or something like. There's probably like a
fucking company of guys there and who knows who it is?
But no, no, no, there were three other men in
the house with him twenty three year old son and
his two uh couriers who were both in their thirties.
So that's a minimum chance that the porn has been

(16:09):
Laudon's poem. I'm gonna knock it up to because I
feel like the couriers, they have access to the internet cafe,
they can go, they go, they can go masturbate away
from the can they don't. They can use that time.
You know, you go to a internet cafe one about
three am, it's partially empty. The guy in the front,
he's like falling asleeps curriers and just make sure they
have loose fitting hands. They do what they do. So

(16:31):
it says either his son or him maybe both. Yeah,
So that's We're gonna go back and forth on this
because I've got more details trivial. I've spent probably a
good two days just trying to figure out who did
the porn, and maybe it's everybody's maybe like they maybe
they had like a fucking like a note on the
fridge that was like just write down, Okay, you want
you know, uh ladies spanking each other like part nine

(16:53):
and uh you want some of that boukaki stuff and yeah,
you want you want the Mickey Mouse porn. Okay, when
we'll get some of the Mickey Mouse porn on there,
like yeah, oh yeah, that's that you know prison rules?
Yeah yeah that that that might make sense to um. Obviously,
the CIA knows the answer to the question because they
know where the hard drives were found. So like, if
the porn was in Osama's bedroom, then we know what

(17:13):
it is. It was in one of his courier's bedroom,
then maybe it's a currier it was in his son's bedroom.
But they're not telling anyone. Um. They seem to have
a weird dedication to hiding the truth whatever it is
about Osama's porn. We didn't even know for sure it
existed until May of two fifteen, when the Office of
James Clapper, Director of National Intelligence, confirmed that quote some
point a graphic material had been recovered during the raid

(17:34):
that killed Bin latin Um. Clapper spokesman noted, we are
not going to release these materials due to the nature
of their contents. Um. So. In two thousand and fifteen,
noted journalistic Paragon bro Bible filed a freedom of information
request with CIA. Wro bro Bible doing hard hitting journalism.
Here is a quote from their request, we are adults.

(17:56):
We can handle it. We would like to know what
kind of porn the world's most wanted man jerked it too.
Does being under the constant threat of capture require extra stimulation?
I imagine it would be hard for him to focus
on his dick, So I figured he had to watch
some really nasty ship. Um, so so fun because I
was half expecting me Probible. They're like, this is an

(18:17):
official request from the government that you know they're gonna
they're gonna have a little bit of professionalism. Nope, they
went the full Probible. They are consistently pro Bible. You
gotta say that for them. Um, they have a brand
to protect, because what if the CIA released that request
and they're like, oh, we don't look, bro, we don't

(18:37):
look that's not bro enough. Oh my gosh. Shockingly, the
CIA did not respond positive leave to this professionally worded
information request. They refused to send over bin Lawton's pornography,
saying quote with regard to the pornographic material Osama bin
Lawton hadn't his possession at the time of his death,
responsive records, should they exist, would be contained in the
operational files and the CIA is not required to disclose

(19:01):
operational files UH during f o i A requests, and
operational files include files that either talk about how foreign
intelligence or counterintelligence programs work. So basically, if it will
give away something we do and intelligence, they don't have
to reveal it, or if it will give away a
foreign government or terrorist groups scheme that we don't, the
CIA doesn't let them to know they've cut onto they

(19:22):
don't have to release it, which brings me to my
first conspiracy theory of the day. Uh And then is
the theory that al Qaeda's leadership was using coded pornographic
videos to communicate with each other and disseminate information around
the world. Here is a quote from an MSNBC article.
At the time, US officials had pursued a probe into
whether al Qaeda was using special software that would allow

(19:42):
the email transition of porn photos implanted with hidden messages
that could be deciphered by recipients with the right code.
We thought this was the way that messages were being transmitted,
said one official. It sounds crazy, but if true, it
actually makes a lot of sense. Gehaties are sort of
notorious for having huge amounts of porn on their laptops.
Chael Flynn, Uh, the totally not disgraced the National Security Advisor,

(20:05):
said that some of the laptops they recovered from these
guys were porn. While this sounds like a nutty theory,
in two thousand and twelve, police in Berlin arrested to
twenty two year old Austrian with a digital storage device
and memory cards hidden in his underpants. Which, let's if
you're if you're smuggling Al Qaeda porn into another country,
don't put it in your underpants. Like nobody's gonna see

(20:26):
like a laptop and a thumb drive and think that's suspicious.
But if they find it in your underwear, it's immediately suspicious.
Like that's the worst way to do that. The first
law of being a cop is that anything in someone's
underwear is illegal. Yeah, so we're about to break so
we can sing a song for Lady Capitalism and uh.
Then when we get back, we're going to talk about

(20:46):
what the German police found in that young man's underpants drives. Uh,
and then we're going to get into exactly what Osama
bin Laden was watching, playing and maybe fiddling his diddle
too while he was hiding in a boat a bad
But first, uh some capitalism from me, and we are back.

(21:11):
We are back, and we are talking about al Qaeda's
plan to hide operational messages in pornography and the twenty
two year old arrested in Berlin with a digital storage
device hidden in his underwear. Uh So, the authorities find
the stuff and his underwear decide to look into it.
They find a bunch of stuff, including a password protected
folder that includes a bunch of porn. One of those

(21:33):
porn videos was titled kick Ass, and hidden inside the
porn video they found another file called Sexy Tanya and
this file, when opened, included more than a hundred unencrypted
al Qaeda documents detailing everything from operational procedures to plans
for future attacks. Um So, it was like they were basically,
because videos are so big, you can actually like hide

(21:53):
a folder of text documents inside of it without it
being super obvious. And so that's what they were actually doing.
Um So, it's possible that some of the porn station
about a bad was meant for clandestine communication. Um but
it also sounds like there's way too much of it
for that to be the only reason. And more to
the point it's not quite true to say that we
don't know anything about the kind of porn that in

(22:14):
the Bin Latten compound. Some of it managed to slip
through the CIA as well Silence. On November one, two
thousand seventeen, the CIA released four hundred and seventy thousand
of the files that were found during the raid that
killed Bin Latten. These files represent the collective mass of
a hundred thumb drives and ten external hard drives. The
CIA's lists cut out most of the porn, but they
didn't get all of it. Included in the collection that

(22:34):
you can find right now on the CIA's website were
two very old, very smutty video games, Paris Stryker Girls
in Fantasy. I think you would classify them both as
weird old Japanese porn games. They weren't the kind of complex,
weird Japanese porn video games where you plays the principle
of like a vampire high school and you have to
fund all of your children before the full moon or whatever. Um.

(22:54):
The basic premise of both games is that you hover
around a map, avoiding gagoose while you gradually uncover crudely
sustrated drawings and pictures of nude and semi nude women.
Presumably most players masturbate once they've uncovered the whole image.
I feel like I just have to show you these
because you won't understand how bizarre they are. I mean,
I'm interested to see the kindie has, but I'm very,
very familiar with anti dating, since these are not that complicated.

(23:24):
All right, Yeah, yeah, it's like an ony head in
the middle, and it seems like they're making squares, They're
they're making moves, they're making good moves, uncovering gay Like
the best way to describe this would be, you know,

(23:45):
like when people try and make a full two D
picture but with eight bit technology. Yeah. Oh, and she's
just scantily clashed. It's not even nude. This one's not nude.
Oh wow. So both of those games are like that,
and some of them may are nude. I'm showing you
a picture here. It's like the uncovered picture there and

(24:05):
you can see your breasts. Uh so it's some of
them are nudes. It's clearly like the kind of porn
video game that you would play in nineteen because nothing
better exists, you know, like those uh those playing cards
that are you know veterans would jerk off to Yeah,
it's similar to that. Yeah, it's it's yeah. And I
have a theory. I think that these smutty video games

(24:27):
from the mid nineties actually hold the secret of who
all of the porn and the porn stash belonged to.
So we know that the point exists. We just don't
know if it was beIN Lawton's or you know, his
kids or his uh couriers. Um. I think that these
games are proof that the porn might have belonged to
Ben Lawton because Paristroker Girls in Fantasy ninety five we're
both made respectively. Been Lawton would have been a mature

(24:49):
adult when they both came out, with the potential to
have access to the Internet and with the ability to
have access to computers and video games. His son would
have only been six or seven years old at the time.
And I'm gonna guess if his son had porn video games,
he would have had like Leasures, Yeah, yeah, something a
little bit more advanced. Um, these are deep cuts for
smut games. These aren't like these aren't anybody's first pick.

(25:11):
So I have to think there's something he came across
when he was a young man and was like never
got over Yeah, yeah, you know, like that one vid
that you saw when you were in your teens and
you're like, let me, let me see that again. Let's
revisit that. Yeah. I think this is that for ben Laden.
The other possibilities that it was one of his couriers.
They were thirty and thirty three, respectively at the time
of the raids, so they could have been fourteen or seventeen.

(25:32):
The youngest of them who would have been fourteen when
these games came out, Abu Ahmed al KUWAITI gave computer
training to other Jihati, so he was computer savvy. Um,
so this might have been his. But it's pretty much
down to either him or oh b l And considering
he was an Afghan kid who grew up speaking Poshtu
and moved to Kuwait as a younger person, I mean,

(25:53):
I guess he didn't have a lot of money at
age fourteen and wasn't playing on the computer. We'll never
know for sure, but we do have some pictures have
been latten at the time, and he looks like a
man who spent his golden years weekly jerking off to
pixelated breasts. I mean, oh yeah, like he he has
that nerd Pancho which is your your comforter for your body,

(26:14):
and a beanie on that is a sad old man's
masturbation king. Yeah. These pictures are all available from the
on the CIA, but we will also be hosting all
of these pictures, uh and links to where you can
find the CIA's files on Behind the Bastards dot com
so you can watch Ben Lawden's weird point obsession along
with us. UM, we're gonna move on from porn for

(26:35):
now though, although there's a little bit more of that
coming later. UM. I've spent a truly terrifying amount of
time coming through the files the CIA did release, and
the stuff that's there is actually more baffling than his
mythical porn stash could ever hope to be. First off,
I'd like to read a selection of the copyrighted works
the CIA found ants with the z yeah oh yeah,
oh yeah, yeah yeah yeah, the Woody Allen Bugs Life

(26:57):
rip off yeah, which blatant Yeah yeah, I love that.
He would have been I'm surprised we didn't find the
movie on there. It might have been after he was killed. Um,
but he had Batman Gotham Knight, which is interesting. BBC's
Great Wildlife Moments, which I guess everybody likes a wildlife
documentary also means possible stoner. Also possible stoner biography Osama

(27:22):
bin Laden, So he was watching documentaries about himself cars,
so no bugs life, but he went with but he
went with cars, No bugs life is the symbol of
the decadent American regime or something. Maybe ANTS is more
his ideological So that's yeah, that's a that's a medium

(27:44):
post for someone listening because ANTS is about overthrowing, uh,
like military technocracy, so dictatorship forming in a yeah, so
I can see that chicken Little um. CNN presents World's
Most Wanted, which also focused on Ben Laden Final Fantasy
seven something me and ben Laden have in common. Heroes

(28:09):
of Tomorrow, which I don't know what that is. Home
on the Range ice Age, don of the Dinosaurs. Man,
these choices, these choices in the footsteps of Ben Laden.
CNN documentary National Geographic Kung Fu Killers, National Geographic Inside
the Green Berets, National Geographic Predators at War, which makes

(28:30):
sense because they're they're trying to kill you with drones.
You probably want to watch a doc uh, And then
National Geographic World's Worst Venom, which between that and the
Kung Fu Killers, I feel like he was planning another
attack with like kung Fu fighters and bees with rattlesnake
send down ninjas with venom tipped shurkins, and he was

(28:51):
gonna That's how he was gonna take us out. Lucky
Louise stopped him, thank god. A documentary on Peru, the
movie Resident Evil, which makes me feel a little bit
sorry for him if that was one of the things
he had to watch. Um, the Three Musketeers, and of
course the Morgan Spurlock documentary Where in the World is

(29:11):
a Samamin Laden? Um? So yeah, that it was just
pure narcissism, like you start to get cocky after they
don't catch it for seven or look look at I'm
just here masturbating the old nineties games. Um. Once the

(29:31):
CIA released Everything, nerds on Twitter set to work trying
to discover bin Laden shared any fandoms with them. They
found a distinct preference for anime, uh including Naruto Shaputin,
Psycho Ninja Daishu five, which I'm guessing as a Naruto thing.
I know, I don't know that second, I don't know
what the rest of it is. But they were like
Arabic dubbs of which again might have been been Laden's.

(29:54):
It might have been one of his nerdy couriers, might
have been his kid, no way for us to know exactly. Um.
They found more realms of video games, including a save
file from Grand Theft Auto Chinatown Wars. That was the gym.
That was the gym. Yeah, so he had like emulators
and stuff, and it was a bad dump file, so
it wasn't a good emulator. Like, so whoever was downloading

(30:17):
this stuff wasn't great at it. Um. Now, anyway, you
may all not know this, but I am actually a
professional journalist, and so when I saw the cia S
dump file, I immediately started investigating too. The first search
term I entered was the word ass. I found one
file titled as two dot w m A, but for
the research indicated this was just a weirdly named file
for a g Hotty video. Uh. There was an ass

(30:39):
with three sas dot jpeg. But it wasn't as exciting
as I had hoped. It was like an Arabic image
macro joke with like a cell phone. Um. So, so
far I was kind of disappointed. But then I searched
for butt, and I descended into a yarn wrapped hole
of madness, but did not turn up any pornography. But
it did bring up a file called the Art of
Crochet by Teresa Radiant Crochet Butterfly, where the butt came from.

(31:02):
This has turned out to be one of dozens of
crochet videos found on a Solomon Lawden's hard drive. As
far as I can tell, many of these videos are
by Teresa Warrior, a semi popular crochet expert who puts
up regular videos on YouTube. To this day, most of
her videos get sixty to two thousand views, so she's
moderately popular. Um. This has led to one of my
favorite bin Laden related happenings. Random commenters descended on Teresa's

(31:23):
videos to let her know Sam bin Laden was a
fan because the CIA released the list stuff last November,
so like, as soon as it happened, people are like
telling this lady what happened. And if you go through
your ARCI her archive of like all of her videos,
you'll find a bunch of commenters being like, congrats on
being on Ben Lad's hard drive and stuff. And I
found the YouTube comment thread where she first learns about
this and it's utterly bizarre. So I'm just I'm gonna

(31:46):
read this comment thread. Chris Wilson is the comment. Hi, Teresa,
I thought you would like to know that the file
for this video appears within the CIA's published directory of
Osama bin Laden's computer files. Have a nice day, just
a weird way if oh man, Teresa responded, thanks, Chris,

(32:06):
exclamation point, exclamation point. That is pretty cool that Osama
bin Laden his wives and children like to watch my
YouTube channel. I wish the bin Osama bin Laden's family
well and hope they're still croche. She doesn't know who
Osama bin Laden is. Do you think they will talk
about this on any TV or the news programs? Theresa, Theresa,

(32:27):
get out of there. It was like, no, we we
killed a lot of we killed a son. Like his
wives are probably not doing great either right now. I
hope the next replies like, yeah, they actually captured it
on this movie called Zero Dark thirty. Chris responded, Only
time can tell, and I'm sure they are still at it.
They're still crochet. Perhaps a video dedicated to him will

(32:51):
get their attention. I'm sure countless subscribers of yours would
love to learn how to crochet Osama's likeness to oh
no to response, you mean like I did the Barack
Obama crochet? You think they would like your crochet some
in Lot No, Teresa, Absolutely, Teresa. What are you doing? Teresa?

(33:16):
You're in too deep. The Internet is wonderful. Bring you
bring your head up, prayer, Teresa. So. Um. A lot
of the videos and PDFs and JPEG's on the dump
files or what you'd expect. There's videos like shelling US
embassy in the Green Zone with two Katusha rockets, videos
of convoys being bombed, and stuff US military handbooks, long

(33:37):
religious tracks, exactly what you'd expect of Lot to have
on his hard drive. But there's also a lot of
weird stuff. There's a documentary called sex Crimes in the Vatican,
and the entirety of a fifteen part BBC documentary called
The History of Britain, which is just an in depth
history of Britain. Um, here's here's a here's um. I'm
gonna put my fourteen year old cap from for all

(33:57):
these weird videos. Look, sometimes you look at any documentary
about sex, you can get some extra jerk material in there.
You can get some extras, some sneaking. There was one
I think HBO or Showtime had this like show that
was like Sex around the World, and it was like
all the weird sex stuff around the world, and it
was like presented as a comedy, but since it was

(34:17):
like late night HBO, it was uncensored. So I was like,
you know, I'd saved him all the vhs, so your
your theory is that his sex crimes in the Vatican.
He was like, well, maybe maybe they might show a
little thing, you know in there. Well I bet he
was disappointed, very disappointed. Um. One of the neat things

(34:38):
about the CIA's archive is that all of the stuff
that they have on there, like you can download for
yourself that whole BBC documentary series because it's all on
the CIA's website. Um, so yeah, they've like released a
bunch of stuff Like ants isn't on there. They just
let you know what was on his heart they did.
They didn't put ants up for they didn't put ants up.

(34:58):
What I was gonna jump to was like, wow, I
can see ants through the CIA. I did get really excited,
um when I found what I thought might have been
hidden porn in the dump file, a video titled zom
women managed underscore video dot RM. I figured it had
to be like a manage video, what else could that,
But instead it was a thirty minute long lecture featuring

(35:19):
a guy who looks like Dom DeLuise if he were
a choronic scholar. Yeah that's yeah, yeah, that's Dom DeLuise
as an Islamic religious expert. Um. Anyway, uh, speaking of
false positives, I also came across a YouTube rip file
titled girls Fight, which again seems like that might have
been porn. It turned out to be a thirty second
video of two little girls maybe three years old, actually

(35:41):
fighting each other, like pulling heron's, shoving and stuff. I
think it was like a viral internet video for some
part of the world because they weren't speaking English. Um.
It was weird, but probably not porn. Um. But Laden
seemed to have a preference for documentaries in his old age,
including a Nova special called Welcome to the Eleventh Dimension
that was about complicated theoretical physics ship. He had another

(36:02):
Nova documentary on string theory. Um. So he was nerding
out on physics, which is again surprising for Ben Laden.
After a few hours of coming through the videos, you
start to get the sense that bin Laden was one
of those parents. He uses YouTube to help him raise
his kids, which is why I gonna guess he had
cars and ants and stuff. He also downloaded YouTube videos
that were like Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, English learning videos

(36:25):
for kids, that sort of thing. He also downloaded a
lot of internet meme videos. My favorite is this bizarre
video of a baboon freeing itself from the jaws of
a crocodile um, which I don't know if we need
to watch, we might as well. You should might as
well see that. Don might as well see what that's
talking about. If it were ahead, Got you sacrificed idiot

(36:50):
trying to eat? Not an option here? Did the baboon
claw the crocs eye? Oh yeah, I imagine he would
showed his son the videos like people are going to
have your back, so you've got to be able to
get out. We can't have the jaws of life yourself
claw America's eyes out to escape its mouth out. All right,

(37:14):
we are going to break again to uh do some
more ads for things that you can buy and uh
spend money on and keep this glorious cycle going so
that we can make more podcasts and tell you more
things to buy. Uh, But when we come back, we're
going to talk about Tom and Jerry and more to

(37:34):
the point, the weird nineteen nineties, very nerdy card game
that somehow intersects with some of Bin Laden and the
nine eleven attacks. So all of that and more. After
some ads boop and we're back. Uh, we're back, and

(37:56):
we're talking about the contents of osaman Laden's many hard
drive lives. We've gone through a lot of weird stuff
so far. But one of the strangest things that I
came across while I was spending an entire week browsing
osaoman Laden's media folders was something like a hundred episodes
of Tom and Jerry. Tom and Jerry episodes are by
far the most common type of video content I found

(38:18):
on Osama's hard drives. Um, Like, if you just want
to have all of Tom and Jerry for yourself, you
can download Tom and Jerry from the CIA as well.
They're closing the grip on the ants. Yeah, they're they're
keeping a tight hold on ants, but they're letting Tom
and Jerry out to the world. Um, which I guess,
go figure. Um. I kind of assumed at first that

(38:39):
the videos were for one of his, like like his
daughter or something. But the more I thought about it,
the more it made sense to me that bin Laden
would be a fan of cartoons where a wily, cunning,
tiny mouse consistently outwits and brutalizes a larger, more powerful cat.
Um Again, it's kind of like the crocodile thing, Like
I can imagine him like looking at this and being like, yeah,
that's me. Yeah, I'm Tom. I'm gonna fucking hit America

(39:02):
with a hammer run into a tiny hole, which is
kind of what he did. Um So earlier in the podcast,
I mentioned that someone in the bin Laden compound was
an anime fan. Uh Gizmoto actually did a pretty decent
dive into this with an article titled someone at Osaman
Laton's Compound sure loved anime. They found a file with
what to me looked like a nonsense name, which but

(39:24):
just munch of numbers and letters, and then Msalm's dash Anime.
It was an MP four file, but it turns out
that im psalms dash anime dot net is an Arabic
language anime form in Saudi Arabia. This form includes a
lot of fan translations of various animals, and the only
one that this could be was from an episode of
the series Detective Conan, also known as Case Closed in

(39:44):
the US. Twelve episodes of Detective Conan were included on
the drives. The quote from the Gizmodo article here in short,
a computer recovered at the last place, so Salm bin
Laden was alive. Contained at least a dozen non consecutive
episodes of an animated show from Japan in which a
boy detective solves rhimes. Oh yeah, I remember that show.
It was an adult swims. He's actually a man, but

(40:05):
a spell was put on him and he turns into
a little boy. Thank you for that, Just just for context.
He wanted turning turn He turns into a little boy,
much like what happened in Laden. Yeah. So these drives
also included some more porn, but anime porn. Uh, an
episode of an anime. I'm just gonna pause you. It's

(40:28):
called hint I. Okay, it's anti different hint It's not
an anime porn. It's hint tie. Well, okay, so maybe
you'll tell me, you tell me if this, if this
seems like HINTI, you're just like erotic anime. Like it's
called Bible Black. Oh that's that is I bit I
constantly do, which is it is a very brutal hintie

(40:49):
Bible Black. Yeah, it takes place in the world where
there's a lot of witchcraft in there, and like there's
like lots of weird aspects to this hint i because
like you know, some women they grow penises, some you know, explode,
like the people are getting murdered. It's a Bible Black
is a very popular hintai. It is hint oh shit, Okay,

(41:10):
so you're aware of what this is. Oh yeah, I've
seen Bible Black. Okay. So one of thinks me and
Bin Loton have in common is the other one, okay,
fantasy seven. Um, So this kind of narrows down. I mean,
it doesn't necessarily narrow it on the rest of the
porn because I feel like a lot of different people

(41:31):
put in requests for or everyone in the comment probably
put in some requests. But this was a translation of
an episode of Bible Black. He wanted the story interesting, yeah,
he wanted this well. It was like it was like
an Arabic dub of it, translation of it or whatever. Um.
And so the anime form. The Aapules from was a
Saudi anime form in the two couriers were both Afghan

(41:54):
natives whose native language was Pashtu, so I assume they
spoke Arabic but not native speakers, which makes me think
that this hint I had to be either been Laden
or his sons, both of whom were Saudi's and native
Arabic speakers. That's my that's my read here is that
the hint i has either been Laden's or his sons.

(42:14):
So that's where we are so far with that mystery. Um,
you can lose a lot of hours and they been
latton archive and it is it's not uncommon to run
across videos about like American women and Jewish men converting
to Islam, right alongside funny cat videos from YouTube. He
seemed to have a thing for funny cat videos, which
we all did. Yeah. Um, there's a number of saved
game files for Nintendo games like Marrow and Luigi, Partners

(42:37):
in Time and Metroid Prime Hunters. Yeah. Um. I suspect
these were Forbin Laden's son Um because of a quote
I found in the Looming Tower where he basically points
out that when they were hiding out in Afghanistan and board.
He would let his younger sons playing Nintendo because it
would entertain them. The guests the Nintendo games were probably
been Lawton's kid. Well, he goes out back and check

(42:58):
out Bible black Yeah, Somemoman Latons furiously pounding it to
Witchcraft anime. Yeah. Um. So there are some really strange
things in the video archive and you could just go
through and click them and download all these different random files.
Most of them will have names that you can't quite
parse out what they're about. Um, and it's all very strange.

(43:22):
One video is just a thirty second clip of a
guy walking through a muddy yard. It looks like the
kind of when you're figuring out your cam quarter and
you're like try like it looks like that sort of video. Um.
One is a three minute clip of Ron Paul talking
about how the War on Terror was a bad idea,
which is I feel about that? Of course? Run Paul

(43:42):
wound up in the Salomon Ltons archive. Um. There's a
discussion with an Islamic cleric about video games. Um. There's
a British ad for cyclist safety that asks you to
watch how many passes a group of basketball players make
and there's like a moonwalking bear that runs through in
the middle and like, if you're focusing on the passes,
you don't see the bear. And then it pauses and says, okay,
did you count the passes right? Did you see the bear?

(44:04):
And it was like it was like a cyclists safety video,
but it they downloaded it from a site called a
bunawaft dot com, which seems to be like the Eboum's
World of the Arabic Yeah, parts of the planet. Um.
Then I found a video of a journalist being beheaded. Uh.
And then I found right after that followed a wild ride.
You went on, like what a wild ride? You're like, okay,

(44:25):
we got some Bible black Oh, this is kind of funny.
Oh dear god. Um. And then right after the beheading video, yeah,
it was follow Me, which is a British TV show
dedicated to teaching people how to speak English through like
lame Monty python type sketches. Oh man. And then I
ran into Pigeon Impossible, a six minute animated movie from

(44:47):
two thousand nine about a secret agent with a nuclear
briefcase and a pigeon. I hate that. I'm gonna get
stone and watch that later from the you can download
it from the CIA's website. It's going to be just
really fueling. If you are too poor for a net licks,
the CIA has your back right now with a very
specific type of content. UM. My favorite thing from the archive, however,

(45:07):
is not a video or a save game file or pornography.
It's an issue of a newsletter titled smoking Gun Proof
the Illuminati Plan to bring down our culture. It was
written by the Cutting Edge, which is like a hardcore
Christian organization. Uh, they have newsletters in a website, they
put out books. The big deal seems to be prepping
people from the New World Order, which they've done since

(45:28):
the early days of the internet. They're still around today
and still claiming the ends night, just as they were
when Bush was in office. They've written like books about
how Harry Potter is trying to like convert kids to
witchcraft and stuff like they're they're those people. And this
particular document, which as far as I can tell, is
the only document of theirs that been Loaden had in
his possession UM, is a far right tract claiming that

(45:51):
the end of the world is coming, the Antichrist is
about to be born and usher in a liberal fascist
health state, and the clues to all this to the
Illuminatis plot were laid down an card game published by
Steve Jackson Games called Illuminati New World Order. No. As
you may know, Steve Jackson Games are the guys who
make Munchkin. Uh. They make great games, wonderful company uh

(46:11):
in Nile working on a cyberpunk game. Their offices were
rated by the FBI. It had something to do with
it. It It is. It is a wacky s story. It
had something to do with ship. They were writing about
hacking for like a basically this shadow run D and
D style type game. Um, it's a long story, like
all of their computers were confiscated by the FBI. They
had to like fight the bureau to get their ship
back and almost bankrupted the company. Um. But shortly after

(46:34):
all that happened, in like nine three, they released a
card game called Illuminati, which is Have you ever read
the Illuminatus trilogy. It's by a guy named Robert Anton
Wilson another guy named Robert sha who were like both
editors at Playboy, and it's it's a silly book, gigantic
silly book about like what if all of the conspiracy
theories and history were simultaneously true, even the ones that
conflict each other. So it's like that kind of wackiness,

(46:56):
and the card game is based in that. So you
take uh control of a conspiracy like the Followers of
Cathulhu or the Bankers of Zuricher like one of these
global conspiracies, and everyone picks a different conspiracy and he
fight it out with cards like George Bush, the c
i A, the Pulitzer Prize, like all these different like
things that, Yeah, so you're basically building a conspiracy. They've

(47:18):
got like cards that are mind control lasers and stuff. Uh,
the game is a really light tone. There's a Hillary
Clinton card and it she's holding like a rope and
it's attached to if you pull up the Bill Clinton card,
it's attached to a leash around his neck. So it's
like very tongue in cheek, very silly game. Um. The
argument in the tract is that Steve Jackson stumbled upon
the truth about the Illuminati and hid all of the

(47:41):
secrets about them in this ridiculous card game. He hit
influm things like weather control satellites, like making them his cards.
Um Like it's it's it's stuff like this. Well, they'll
be looking at like a card that says weather control satellites,
and it'll be like the card will state like you
can use this on any land you control, and and
then like the tract will be like, see, this is

(48:02):
proof that the Illuminati has the ability to control the
weather and all of the parts of the world that
they dominate, and like it's goodness, it's completely bug funck nuts.
I can't imagine why bin Laden would have a far
right Christian tract about this really weird card game in
his reading folder. Um, it's my only guess is the

(48:26):
Illuminati is real. Well, so that does seem a little
bit plausible when you go far enough down the rabbit
hole of studying these cards, because the addition of the
game I have because I played this game since I
was a little kid, came out in. One of the
cards in that game is a card called Terrorist Nuke.
And why don't you take a look at the illustration

(48:48):
on the terrorist new card released in nine What the
fun no describe that card to me? The Terrorist Nuke
card that was the designed in has two towers and

(49:10):
one of them being hit. And even though it's supposed
to be a nuke. It's not a nuclear explosion. It
looks as if it was hit by a plane and
it's the tower that got hit first in reality, and
it's exploding right in the place where the tower got hit.
That's so weird. And Osama bin Laden was reading conspiracy

(49:32):
theories about this card game in the last years of
his life. Wow, wow, well damn yeah, so we figured
it out be our last podcast before we are taken
out by the c I A. So sorry. It was
nice knowing all of you. Sorry we brought you in face. Yeah, no,

(49:52):
I know. We're going down. We're all going down. All
the pictures, including pictures of the terrorist new card, will
be available on Behind the Bastards dot com, so you
guys will be able to check out all of this craziness. Um,
we want you to see it too. It is. It
is truly bizarre and inexplicable. Um. That is it for
today's episode of Behind the Bastards. I have been Robert Evans.

(50:16):
You can find me on the internet at I Write
okay on Twitter, Um okay is two letters. You also
find my book A Brief History of Vice on Amazon. Uh,
if you wanna plug your stuff, yeah, I'm if you
why anyway on Twitter and Instagram, I F y W
A D I W E. You can get my album.
It's on anywhere you can buy comedy albums. It's the

(50:38):
community college drop out. You can listen to Nerdificent wherever.
You're listening to this podcast every Tuesday, UH with How
Stuff Works, Candy Dinner every Monday. It's it's a fun
time and you can follow behind the Bastards if you
want to find us on social media where it at
Bastards pod. You can find us again online behind the

(50:58):
Bastards dot com and we will have all of these
wacky images and videos up there, so check us out. Uh.
This podcast drops every Tuesday, so we'll be back next
week with another crazy story about someone just as terrible
as Osama bin Laden, maybe even worse. I'm Robert Evans,
my buddy Iffy, and we are out for a week.

(51:20):
M M m