The Ballad of Eel Horse

Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:02):
What's riddled with gna rhea? My Sophie? How do I
finish this? I don't want to know? Well, that is
slightly applicable for today. Oh good, okay, Well, this is
Behind the Bastards the podcast with a slightly applicable introduction
for the first time in quite a while. I'm Robert Evans,
your host normally, but not today because today my buddy

(00:24):
Garrison is here. Garrison has a very special story. I
really don't know what to expect here. Should I start
by giving the background? Um? Yeah, yeah. Ever since I've
known Robert Roberts, Roberts had a dream. Um uh when yeah, Robert?
What is so? For a little bit of background on me,

(00:45):
I spent a lot of time living in the middle
of nowhere in the mountains, and I developed a love
for cooking food in pits buried under the ground. You like,
you wrap up a bunch of meat, like a turkey,
stuffed with stuff, and you wrap it in the foil
and you bury it and you build a fire around
and you cook it over the course of like a
day while you're drinking heavily. It's a great time way
to like make a turkey. Um, I do it? Around
the holidays a couple of times a year when I

(01:06):
have the opportunity. And several years ago I had a
dream and I saw a vision of a horse stuffed
with eels and cooked underground in a pit fire. And
I've never been able to get it out of my head.
I am still working on. I was briefly in contact
with someone who thought they could get me one last year,
and I fucked that up because my mom got cancer

(01:26):
and I wound up like, I don't know, just not
being great at correspondence for a while. You sucked it up.
If you're that person, hit me up again, because I
still want the horse. But my dream is to get
a horse that has been obviously gutted. Stuff it full
of eels. Lamb prais are acceptable. That's a kind of eel.
Any kind of eel will be fine. Um Stuff it

(01:47):
full of eels. Wrap the fucker up in either foil
or maybe even like banana leafs if we want to
do it like really, you know, pro um or burlap
or something, and then bury it, you know, a food
not a foot underground, Like just bury it to where
it's at like ground level, cover it in dirt, and
keep a big circular fire going around it for probably
like twenty hours. I'm guessing that's how seriously listeners could

(02:10):
see Gary's faith right now, what is it? Oh sorry,
my cameras on you. What does Garrison look like? Just
an absolute smirk anyway, this has been my dream for
some time. Yeah, you you constantly talk about it. It's
it's all I want out of out of the world. Yeah,

(02:32):
in that for me today, Garrison, well kind of we'll see,
so a little taste of my own medicine. So yeah, Well,
one night I was doing an extremely hardcore gaming session
with with a friend of mine and for some reason,
eel horse came up because just Robert talks about it
all the time. So for some reason this idea of

(02:53):
eel horse came up over the course of our very
intense gaming session. Um and, so my friend had had
the bravery to put the words eel and horse into
Google um and and that led us down a pretty
nightmaresh rabbit hole that I knew that I do had
to become a bastard's episode, which leads us to now
our our our discussion of the real life heel horse

(03:15):
and and the eel wielding bastards of today. So I'm
very excited. Yeah. So we're gonna start off by going
way back to the late medieval period in England, good
time and the bustling business of selling horses. So let's
let's say you're an old timey horse salesman. You got

(03:35):
yourself some horses that you want to sell. But the
problem get sixteen apples to the league. Yeah, but the
problem is that some of your horses are getting a
bit old, you know, a little sluggish. They're not as
lively as they used to be in their youth. That's
what happens to horses already laughing, they know this is going.
So you're thinking, like, what what could I do to

(03:57):
make these horses a bit more spry and lively? And
and then very similar to very similar to your vision. Um,
what I'm guessing happen is like basically you're thinking what
can I do? And then God comes down to you
from the clouds and says, my, my child, My my
horse salesman, child, have you considered putting a live eel
up the horses butt? Oh my God? Yes? Wait what

(04:21):
you reply to God? How how will that solve my problem?
And then then God, in his divine wisdom speaks to
you from the heavens and says, well, a live eel
inserted up the horses anist might stimulate the horse and
make it appear to be younger and in its more
active years, thus fetching a higher price for your inactuality
older horses. You are telling me, Garrison, that shoving a
live eel up the ass of an aging horse was

(04:43):
the old timy equivalent of like turning back the the
odometer on a car. Oh yeah, baby, that fucking rules.
So so upon comprehending your godly enlightenment, you you thank
the Lord for gifting you a piece of his everlasting
wisdom in your your divine vision. Oh Father in Heaven, I,
your humble servant, am internally grateful for your You're you're

(05:05):
blessing me with this prosperous inspiration. I'll go forth and
place as many eels up the rect of elder horses,
just as you say, and i shall spread this gospel
of eel horse to the other horse sellers, so we
may all share in your holy riches. And I'm pretty
sure that's how it went, because throughout the fifteen hundreds,
possibly earlier, it's it's unclear when this started, but it
definitely was. It was very popular throughout the fifteen hundreds

(05:28):
and early eighteen hundreds. That's amazing. Yeah, so inswering live
life yels up the back into horses, that the horses
that were past their prime to make them appear more
like frisky and young. Because that's the phrase that keeps
coming up, is that when when when when? When they
were looking to buy horses, a good sign of a

(05:48):
horse was that it carries its tail well. Means the
tail is like upright and like almost erect. Is that
it's very fluffy. And the same people sure, well furries
at least furries. Yeah, so and and and the eel
thing very much. The phrase that they kept using was
like putting the eel up helps keep the tail held

(06:08):
well because because the horse I am, I'm just imagining
generations of like marks buying women horses and like, god
damn it, the eel this one too. That's that is
exactly what happened. You gotta check the asshole, Mitch. I
telled you that never buy a used horse without check
in the asshole. So yeah, so yeah, in certain lit

(06:29):
deals on the back ends of horses past their prime,
was very common to make them appear more frisky and young,
you know, and happen to eel. I mean, whatever eels
were available in England. It's it's it's it's hard. It's
hard to say because there's not extremely thrown documentation of this.
Most of the documentation comes from comes from dictionaries and

(06:50):
literary references. So you hear this like appearing in like
poems and stories and be like describing what selling horses
was like. Um and definitely. So there's two kinds of
eels in the UK, silver and conjure. It's not a
conjure eel. Look up the conjure eel look decisive this thing.
I mean, I'm not sure like the size of horses,

(07:14):
Oh my god, yeah, no, it's not a conjural. It's
not an alligator. That's that is that is discomfitingly large,
that's set in how big that eel is? That that
is generally pro eel, but that is toom Okay, it's
probably a silver eel. Looks more manageable. So I'm guessing

(07:37):
it's a silver eel. So yeah, you could fit one
of those up a horses, ass, no problem. What happened
right up an asshole, just say this was not what
I thought was going to be happening today. I couldn't
I couldn't be happier. So so yeah, Often what what
happened would be when when people would come into the

(07:57):
show room to see the horses like this table, boys
would be like would shove the eels up there really quickly.
Green people were coming to visit. Um sou so there
is there is, there is a word for this. The

(08:18):
process was called feeding or to feed a horse. Um
Jesus Christ. We find we find reference to this process
in in the excellent Classical Dictionary of the Vulgar Tongue. Um.
There in a few copies of this have have feging.
I'm going to read from one from it says, to
feed is to put a live eel up the horses fundament,

(08:39):
to make him lively and carry his tail. Well. Um.
The author goes on to note that the practice was
so widespread that quote it is it is said a
forfeit is incurred by any horse dealer's servant who shall
shoot a horse without feeding him first. So pretty good,
pretty good stuff. Credible. Um. Okay, you know I make

(09:02):
a lot of jokes about the war against the horses.
But like it's hard to name an animal that's taken
more hits for the team, the team being humanity than
the horse. Like the horse we have we have fucked
them over for so Like dogs were like, yeah, you
want to be best friends and like hunt together and
hang out and we'll give you food. With horses are
like you know what machine guns are here about to

(09:23):
learn it's your job to run towards them. Yeah, horses,
horses have taken decent, decent amount of abuse. Um, we've
really uh yeah, I didn't know that this had happened,
but yeah, speaking What's what's really fun is that you
can find a good number of references to this phenomenon
in literary writing from the time um. In sixteen sixteen,

(09:44):
there was a book of poems published by the then
late poet Thomas Overbury and included an array of poetic
character character sketches of like unsavory types of people written
by various anonymous authors. On one of these poems, excellent
details the character. One of these poems details the characteristics

(10:06):
of an uh an errand horse courser Um and noted that,
among other unsavory habits, the man knows how to cover
up diseases and defects of all sorts. For pounding his
horses ars with quicksilver and giving him suppositories of live eels.
He's an expert, pretty, referring to putting a live eel

(10:28):
up an ass as a suppository, suppository of live els. Yeah,
that that is incredible. That is amazing, he Harrison. I'm
very proud of you. He is expert expert at an
errand horse courser. Oh man, um man, maybe this is
how I prepare the eel horse, starting at while the

(10:49):
horse was alive. No, I wouldn't do that. I wouldn't
do that. You realize that they're supposed to be bad guys,
right like the like they're the use they're literally the
used cars salesman of the medieval period. Yes, and they're
shoving sho come down to Slick Joe's Discounter horse depot.

(11:09):
Absolutely no wheels up their assholes. A young John Milton
mentioned figging in incredible in a sixteen Latin poem while
mocking his fellow Cambridge students. Um He described a certain
Irish bird as quote more useful to grooms because they're
by nature lively and brisk and prancing and if they

(11:33):
were forced into the anus of a scriggly horse, they
would make them livelier and quicker than had ten than
if they had ten live wheels of their bellies. Wow, Garrison,
I want to congratulate you here because for years, Sophie
will back me up on this. I have been trying
to work in paradise. Lost connections to behind the bastards
hasn't happened yet. We just don't go far back enough.

(11:54):
But you finally brought old J. Milt into it and
roll the West of sixteen. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's what
everyone says the Humors. The humors poet Edward Award in
his seventeen hundred uh a Song upon Dancing, wrote that

(12:17):
dancers skip with a nimble force as eels as the
belly of a horse, which jockeys use each each market
day to make him dance. As people say, So that's nice. Um, actually, yeah,
he had. He had a decent little thing going. So yeah.
Unfortunate or unfortunately depending on the perspective. But by the
late seventeen hundreds and early eighteen hundreds, the eel anal

(12:39):
insertion had begun to fall out of fashion. Um as
horse salesman realized probably again via divine revelation from the Lord,
that the same effect, or at least a similar effect,
could be achieved by instead inserting a piece of spicy
ginger up the horses urs um. And this is apparently
still an issue at horse shows that people have to
like enforce stop people from shoving ginger ginger up the

(13:02):
butt of horses to make Yeah, this is still like
an ongoing problem that needs like enforcement of bus shows. Yeah, yeah,
the ginger police. Yeah. But that means though, if you
if you went back to shoven eels up their asses,
nobody would catch it. They're not still checking for eel.
I'm just telling you, if you want to cheat at
having nice horses eels, that's wide open, baby. Yeah, try

(13:25):
an electric one. Maybe that's how I'll cook it, Garrison,
I don't think so. Okay, well we'll talk about it. Yeah,
but we we still do actually have the the modern
phrase to ginger up or do we spice upper horse?
This comes from feging. I've never heard of that phrase,
but I'll trust you it's it's it's it's it's a phrase.

(13:45):
Um and and this is this is also where we
get to the modern B D S M practice called
figging again driving from the feeding where but but figging
is usually a butt plug made of ginger placed up
someone sanis um and this this we will circle back
to this at the end, um, because this will help

(14:06):
us explain a modern modern eel issue we have. Um. Yes,
modern eel issues are very serious. Yeah, speaking of eel shoes.
Eel shoes speak. Speaking of eel shoes. Uh, do you
know who else wants you to buy live eels to
stick up the butts of horses? Oh gosh, I mean
jesus um our friends at Uh, I don't know one

(14:29):
of the food we call it. We call it stimulations. Yeah,
stimulations people who make those fucking uh those uh those
with with with uh all of ours, Oh my gosh,
obviously they are all huge fans of cheven eels and assholes.
In fact, that's the only requirement we have of our sponsors.

(14:52):
Have you put an eel in some things, but doesn't
have to be a horse, and in fact, oftentimes it's
a completely different species. Um. We like it when they
get created of and that's the behind the bastards guarantee
We're back all right, Garrison, I'm I'm ready so so yeah,

(15:15):
so the first bastards of today are the fourteen through
seventeenth century horse salesman. Um. But unfortunate, unfortunately, we still
have some time left in this episode. As you can tell, um,
and and and once me and my friends started googling
eel and anus, this let us down a dark rabbit
hole that forever scared my mind. Um, yeah, I can

(15:35):
see how that would go to some bad places. Actually, unfortunately,
we're going to be briefly moving away from horses and
towards another h species called humans, which which which which
leads us to probably the darkest, most evil segment today's episode,
The Phoenix Program. Oh, that sounds like a good thing

(15:56):
to be involved in assholes being filled with. So the
Phoenix Program was the rutal counterinsurgency program started in nineteen
sixty eight and run by William Colby later ahead of
the CIA. It was aimed at reading out Viet Cong
or anyone deemed Vietcong sympathizers. The Viet Cong was anybody
that we happened to bomb. Um. Yeah, so weading out

(16:19):
anyone deemed Vietcong sympathizers by identification and neutralization. Uh. With
with the with the methodology of infiltration, capture, terrorism, torture,
and assassination. The Phoenix program was designed, coordinated, and executed
primarily by the CIA, with some help by the United
States Special Operations Forces during the war in Vietnam. Versions

(16:40):
of the program we're kind of an operation between sixty
between nineteen sixty five and nineteen sixty and nineteen seventy two.
But but the official program and an official body count
begun in sixty eight UM, and similar programs existed both
before and after that period. UM. But you know, for
the official Phoenix program, it starts and starts in eight

(17:02):
goes to seventy two UM. By two Phoenix operatives had
to quote unquote neutralized at least any one thousand and
six d forty people UM suspected of being operatives or
sympathizers of the Vietcong UM, at least twenty six thousand,
of whom were officially killed, but South Vietnamese officials estimate
over forty thousand were killed. UM Military intelligence officer K.

(17:27):
Milton Osborne witnessed the wrote a book about his time there,
and witnessed the following forms of torture UM, including the
use of of inserting a six inch dowel into the
cavity of a detainees ears and tapping, tapping the dowel
through the brain until the person dies. Uh, a lot

(17:47):
of a lot of starvation to death inside a cage
um and other and I'm going to read a quote now.
Other methods of torture used in the interrogation centers include rape,
gang rape, rape using hard objects, rape followed by murder,
electric shock by attaching wires to the genitals, and rape
using eels and snakes. Um, so this is this is

(18:08):
like the most fucking evil humanity can do. Like the
Phoenix program is like is like up there and like
the most like evil. No, yeah, it's that's on the
same level. It's like the most bastard you can be.
Like all like the horrific abuses done in the Phoenix
program by the American government. And there was there was
assistance from the South Vietnamians government, assistance from Australia, but

(18:32):
it was mostly the American government. Um it is it
is like the most possibly evil thing if you like
about the Phoenix program in detail. That's the highest it. Well,
we'll do a we'll do a whole thing. No, yeah,
they deserve their own like Series one there after the
nine part Kissinger series, like William Colby and the CIA
in the Vietnam War. It's that they're like, it's extremely,

(18:55):
extremely fucking nightmare. I mean it's like it's like people
talk rightly about um u UM, which was a Japanese
military detachment that did like biological and chemical warfare research
that involved some of the worst stories of like torture,
um and experiment like like and like Dr Mangela, And

(19:17):
we talk about these as if like these are unique
horrors of like fascist countries. Um. I guess you could
say they're unique cars of fascist countries because certainly, within
the context of our policies in Vietnam, the United States
was doing some fashion as hell ship. Um. But like
the ship that US that the CIA pulled in Vietnam,
is that same level, like that exact same level. It

(19:38):
is not. It is not devaluing the horrors of the
Holocaust or of the Japanese war crimes in Manchuria to
put this kind of ship. I mean, they're raping people
with eels until they die, until raping people to death
with eels, Like what what do you? Yeah, I was
I was aware of this sort of thing mainly with

(19:58):
snakes and stuff. But yeah, out after some of the
details of the abuses like this less than the Horse, No, yeah,
this is this is this is definitely less fun. So
after some of the details of the horrific abuses by
the CIA and Army that was carried on in Vietnam,
as they slowly came to light in the early seventies,
the program was officially shut down under public pressure, but

(20:18):
in actuality it just it just continued under a different
name um. And some of the control of the program
was handed to the South Vietnam government. UM. And yeah,
it's it's kind of hard to pivot away from something
that's dark, UM. But I'm going to think of it
as a way to help kind of wash down the
human filth that we just discussed. UM. Because because now
we we are gonna we are going to discuss the

(20:38):
the modern eel anus problem. UM. And now this this
is I'm glad we're getting We're getting up to the
modern day exiting. So this this is, this is a
thing with multiple facets, um, and a sizeable portion of
which is an extension of the figging figging connection. And Christ, well, good,
actually this is good. I would of that, it goes

(21:00):
back to the horses. Yeah, so thank god. April in
the Guangdong Province of China, a destructively horny, a single,
thirty nine year old man was watching cat was watching
Everything's Coming together for this story, was watching an eel
figging porn, and he had the uncontrollable urge to try
it himself. Wait, wait, watching he was watching an eel

(21:22):
thinking porn. So but here's this, I think you said
eighteen thirteen. No, this is two us and thirteen two
thirteen miss heard watching porn. Okay, yeah to us and thirteen.
Horribly horny old man was watching an eel thinking porn,
and he the uncontrollable to try himself. I see fin

(21:43):
researching this episode, I've seen about every video of eel's
going into bodies on the internet. Yeah, okay, it's a watch.
We should watch Zoo together, Garrison. Um. Anyway, so he
tried himself, and he tried to just he tried to grab.
He tried to keep holding the eel for the duration
of the of the period, but he lost probably a

(22:03):
good idea, but he lost grip of the slippery little fucker.
See that's that's that's rookie ship. You gotta get you
gotta get a get a get a get a like
rope around that and it's it swam all the way
up there, and that's gonna happen. After fail attempts to
remove the eel, the man went to the emergency room
for medical assistance. Um, and he told the presumably confused medics,

(22:25):
please please help me. The eel is moving through my body. UM.
Imagine that's just your fucking day, right, Like you're six
hours into a shift, you're getting ready to go home,
you're tired, you've already seen some ship. And the kid's like,
there's an eel moving inside of me for undetermined reasons,
and like that's the rest of your fucking night. Yep. So,

(22:49):
the twitter centimeter long eel tuted the way through the
man's colon, up perforated his large intestine, and became stuck
in the body cavity. The medical team that treated the
man reportedly said to the eel, which we made about
a pound, was quote simply trying to find its way out,
and their fair play by the eel anything, None of

(23:09):
the none of the things we're talking about today is
the eel's fault. None of these. None of what we're
talking about today is to say that nothing has ever
been in eel's fault because their eel. No, it is
this is just on us, totally on us. UM. The
medical team said the eel was still alive when we
got it out, but it died soon afterwards, which was

(23:29):
probably a mercy. So yeah, I have I have read,
um every single story of eel's going up people's butts
such you can find on the internet. UM, and a
decent amount of these instants track I think the decent
amount of them do track back to getting the idea
from porn um. But but that is far from the
only cause of eel anal penetration, because that would be unreasonable. Yeah.

(23:54):
So three years prior back in a fifty nine year
old chef from the z from the Zegong city of
China went to the hospital complaining of abdominable pain, dehydration,
and a great deal of anal bleeding and he truly
did not know what was going on. He actually had
no idea. UM. So doctors also had no idea what

(24:17):
was the cause of this, and they resorted to cutting
open his inerts, in which they discovered a fifty centimeter
long Asian swamp eel lodged in his rectum. It was
already it was already dead, but the eel had apparently
already reaked havoc through the inside of his body, biting
the way through his intestines prior to dying. Internal bleeding
and infection rapidly set in. The man was hospital's large.

(24:43):
So that's that's slightly too big to get in a
horse's asshole. As a lot of it's there's so I've
not included pictures in the script here, but basically every
for every story from the Chinese hospitals, the Chinese hospitals
popload all all of these pictures. It is kind of
still it is absurd how many pictures of and like

(25:04):
videos of these procedures they upload themselves, like entire videos
of them surgically doing this. It's it's pretty, It's pretty.
It's pretty night maerish. Um. So, yeah, the man was
hospitalized for ten days, but he eventually died. Um. So
this this, this, this, this did kill him. Yeah, that
sounds about right. Again, we should watch Zoo afterwards. The

(25:27):
probable cause was actually established, so the chef had been
drinking with friends and he had passed out his his
friends that decided it would be and they decided it
would be amusing prank to insert a live eel up
his anist while he was comatosed, and not to tell him.
Oh my god. I mean, look, I've done some things

(25:47):
I would regret while drinking, but I have always informed
people when I've put a live eel inside them. That's
we have. We have a friend who falls asleep often
while watching movies, and we sometimes we still messed with them.
But I think things on their head all sorts of
But I think I think this is too far. Honestly,
would they would say killing them via an eel eating

(26:08):
their internal organs is taking I think it's too much.
I think it's too much. I'm I'm all for committing
to the bit, but honestly, I think this is too far.
I think it's it's too much. You know what, you
know where I think they went wrong is when they
were shoving a live animal up their friends asshole as
the person was asleep. Yeah, I think maybe that was
I think that was an issue. Yeah, So this is

(26:29):
one of the few instances that is like totally not
this person's fault. Um and his his his friends. I
think we're we're investigated and prosecuted by by whatever authorities anyway. Um.
But before we get to like the big kicker, Um,
there is some other general kind of eel news worth
mentioning um to us. In twelve AMN in New Zealand,

(26:50):
gun neil removed via surgery after the slippery fucker got
stuck up as rectum. It wasn't officially revealed how or
why it got up there, so that is that is
left to us to aside. Um. But the unique aspect
of this story is that thirty three hospital staff all
got in trouble for sharing X ray photos of the
eel and licking the story to the media. Um. Because interesting,

(27:11):
because that's kind of shitty. It's it's it's totally it's
it's totally different. In China and China they also gets uploaded. Um.
But in New Zealand, the hospital got mad that the
employees were leaking pictures of this incident. Um, Yeah, that's
kind of mean. The next person who gets an eel
stuck up their asshole and go to the doctor to
see that is the thing which although I will say,

(27:33):
if you're the kind of person who tortures a live
animal to get off. I don't really care if you
get medical treatment. Yeah, not really. Um. Oh and into
US In fourteen, a Brazilian man had emergency surgery to
remove an eel from his backside. Again, the the exact
reasoning it being unknown, but I'm pretty sure about these

(27:53):
incidents are related to kink stuff. UM. And we're gonna
we're gonna discuss this more towards the and because there
is there is one other reason people people claim for
for once they go to the doctor, how they explain
why an eel is up there butt? So on on
onto the main eel an epidemic. So this this starts

(28:14):
in two US three, actually is the first instance I
can find this UM specifically in like in like our
our modern documentation. UM. I'm going to read directly from
the hospital report. Now this this is somewhere in China.
I'm not quite sure what where, because the report doesn't
specify exactly UM. And there there isn't any other reporting
of this incident besides this one hospital report. So it's

(28:34):
just it's just this hospital report anyway. UM. Fifty year
old man was seeing at the Excident and Emergency department
because of abdominable pain. The physical examination revealed redness and
swelling around the tissue around the abdomen. A shadow of
an eel was noticed on the ubdominable radiograph. Upon further questioning,
the patient admitted that and eo is insterted into the

(28:54):
rectum in an attempt to relieve constipation. I mean on
a moral level, that's I guess better than putting an
el up r ask for sexual gratification. Why would you
think if it's true? Um? Anyway, UM emergency laparotomy found
that the fifty centimeter long eel was biting the splenic

(29:16):
flexure of the colon. Multiple perforations were found around the
walls of the rectum, and the post operative, of course,
was uneventful. That the patient patient was discharged from onto
home on like day seven. So this appears to be
the most claimed reason given by people found who have
an eel up there? Butt on on why said eel
is up there? Butt uh? They they most often claim

(29:40):
constant pation um. And there has been an a decent
uptick in reported incidents of eel up the anus uh
to cure constellation since twenty seventeen. UM. In April April seventeen,
forty nine year old factory worker from the capital of

(30:00):
South China's Going Dong province was rushed to the hospital
complaining of constipation and a stomach ache. Um. Upon the
doctor's opening up the man's stomach to discover both feces
and a foot and a half long eel, the man claimed,
it's swim up. The man claimed it's time up there
by itself. Okay, so I'm gonna I got a couple
of notes. Um. He suffered. He suffered from a puncture,

(30:23):
pancreas um and uh. According to the doctors, the eel
managed to break through the man's intestines and generated a
mess in the man's stomach, almost killing him. Yeah so
the man later, according to the doctors. The man later
gave more details post operation, quoting said doctors, but he

(30:45):
later admitted that he put he put it up there himself,
following a quote folk remedy for bowel obstruction, as a
medical expert of the doctor noted that there was no
scientific basis for such a treatment involving live eels. Yeah, well,
I okay, so do you know how to cancel an
Amazon order? Because I just had I was just just

(31:05):
trying to rush a shipment of eels to my house.
But I guess I don't need them. Now, you can cancel.
You go to the order's page. Usually there we go. Yeah. So, yeah,
the man survived this. It was unclear what happened to
the eel, so probably not not a great story. Yeah, um,
would you want to live after that? Though? No? No? Um?
So apparently what happened Upon further interviewing uh the he

(31:31):
said that he went to his friends for medical advice
and they told him about a quote folklore method of
curing constipation which involved a live eel to help smooth
bowel movement. So he found he found a Asian swamp
ill and after the deed had been done, he had
he got him into the hospital if he started experiencing

(31:51):
unbearable stomach aches. So and what what's what's really upsetting that?
This is by knowing me the an isolated incident. Next
next time we're talking about is September. Again, reading from
a hospital report, calonic perforation is a common presentation at
the urgency department. However, foreign body related perforation is responsible

(32:13):
for less than one percent of these cases. Here we
describe the case of calonic perforation secondary to the self
introduction of an eel into the anus. A fifty four
year old, previously healthy email presented himself to the emergency
department with a twelve hour history of abdominable pain. Physical
examination revealed tenderness, rebound tenderness, and involuntary guarding. A CT

(32:37):
scan of this abdomen and pelvis revealed a foreign body
in his cavity. Upon further questioning, the patient admitted the
eo was inserted into his anus by accident. Well, yeah, okay, look,
we've all put some things up our assholes by accident,
by accident, by accidents, not living un accident of the

(32:59):
Monopoly board game, of course, pieces of firearms, absolutely, accident knives, Yes,
it happens, but not a live animal. That's all. That's
that was the entire It was an accident. There was
no clarification. That's it. So he underwent He underwent a

(33:19):
laparotomy UM and the eel was subsequently removed. He was
transferred to the standard ward from the emergency ward after
seven days of observation UM diagnostic. The diagnosing a calonic
forim body can be challenging, as patients often deny the insertion. Yeah,
at is recommended. I wouldn't want to admit to that.

(33:40):
Ct S GET is recommended for patients having a suspected
calonic foreign body, so that that that's a hospital port um.
But this, it's this, uh you know, you know, you
know what else you want to deny the presence of
Robert Washington State Patrol at black black Rifle coffee at
chevron ads? Wait what is it? Chevron? I hope it's Chevron.

(34:03):
I love Chevron. Get some chev chev ads are Our
next season of podcasts is going to be entirely supported
by Chevron Chevron fuck it? Why not? And we're back
um yep talking about eels still still wow, I watched

(34:27):
eels up inside. You spent so long on this episode
doing recently mighty boosh anybody too much time I spent
I spent too much time researching this um Anyway. January,
there was another similar incident, but but with a fun twist.
Instead of boofing the eels, a fifty one year old
construction worker in East China's Going Sup Province swallowed two

(34:50):
live eels to reportedly treat his constipation. Well, I guess
that's better. It's different it's not better. It's differently. What
I'll say is better is it's there's no question that
it wasn't a sex thing. That is that is probably
this is one of the instances that it probably wasn't
a sex thing because because again I think part of
the problem here is once this constipation myth got started

(35:14):
or like got started, people are gonna hear about it,
and then you know, people might start actually doing it,
genuine stupid people. People might start doing it genuine Yeah,
so people take Joe Rogan's advice on how to treat diseases.
They're very stupid. So yeah, he was rushing to the
hospital by his colleagues where it was where he revealed
that he consumed the eels the day before. During surgery,

(35:34):
they found they found a quote, very thick eels lodged
outside of the intestines in the lower part of his abdomen.
Because the coding the doctor, because the eels were alive
while being swallowed. A person's intestines are fragile, Therefore they
will be ruptured as soon as the eels bite them,
said the doctor. Really amazing, So our intestines are not

(35:56):
We did not evolve to have our intestines bitten by eels.
This is shocking to They found a two centimeter wide
hole in the sigmoid colon. Medics said he was in
a state of shock due to life threatening bacterial infection
around the ruptured colon. He was left in critical condition.
The one year old man was allegedly following a filk
remedy and which claims that gobbling live eels could help

(36:17):
pass a solid waste. According to the surgeon, um yes
yeah great. Based June and unnamed patient aged in his fifties,
medical attention again in China's southern province of Going Dong,
after suffering uh pain in his abdomen for about a week,

(36:39):
Jesus Christ, God, Good God in heaven Ah. By this
time he had severe sepsis leading to septic shock and
it was unable to communicate. It was unable to communicate coherently,
according to the surgeon, shocking very surprised again, quoting said
surgeon could have anticipated this ring a ct SC and

(37:00):
we suspected a foreign body in his abdominal garrison abdominal cavity,
but we couldn't tell what it was. Then while performing
a colonoscopy, we discovered it was a nation swamp field
that entered the kay that entered the cavity um. The
patient then had an emergency operation to have the eel
removed from his gut, with doctors opening up his abdomen

(37:23):
and discovering it filled with waste matter, including excrement and
puss from his severe infection. The hospital image shows the
again not included in the document for Sophie's sake, a
fifteen inch freshwater eel removed intact in the procedure. I
can send you pictures afterwards, Robert, please, I have a
lot sounds. This is how it starts, Robert, this is

(37:46):
how it starts. I'm now eel curious. No, no, you're
not stop it. You can, like, you can buy things
that do the same thing. You can you can buy
things that are not live eels to do the same thing.
You can get robotic stuff that does the same exact thing.
You could also get an ovipositor. If you really that

(38:06):
that is that is that's completely different. Are I just
object to you doing this comparison? Those are those are?
Those are those are classy? Okay? I think they're neat
alright anyway. Um, according the doctor, the eel is already
dead when it caused to feel bacterial um contamination in

(38:27):
his adamant due to build up of feces and pus um.
It was only it was it was only after surgery.
It was only after surgery when we are inquiring after
his medical and inquiring about his medical history, that he
told us he used the eel to cure his constipation.
He inserted it up his anus into his rectum. I
suspect it was then that the perforation of his signaled
call it occurred. I also suspect that that is also

(38:50):
my my guess is that it occurred afterwards. Yeah, yeah,
that sounds right. Because he had inserted the live hel
into himself. The chances of him dying were quite high
had he not had the surgery and time again including
the doctor um. The doctor said that the constipation cure
folk remedy thing. Uh is uh. He worened members of

(39:11):
the public against doing this um for some reason. Um. Yeah.
And the patient got discharged days later and then allegedly
purchased the common freshwater eel from a wet market. According
to the hospital, So we got we got one more
what one more? A man again in the going to
province of East China insert long eel into his direct

(39:32):
him on July allegedly in hopes of relieving constipation, but
instead it almost took his life after the eel entered
his abdomen. He finally went to the doctor after enduring
pain on the first day as he was, but on
the first day he he didn't go. Uh he basically
he didn't go on the first day, but one in
the second day because he was too shy to see

(39:53):
a doctor. Yeah, well, okay, to have to explain this
to the dock um that keeps being an issue in these,
This is an issue in these, I would say the
primary issue is putting into Yeah, okay, the doctor who
did the operation so that he could have lost his
life as the bacteria and the large intestine may have
caused humulosis when it reached the abdominable at Jesus Christ

(40:16):
abdominal cabin. There we go, There we go. You did it.
According to Chinese news outlet Global Times, what motivvated of
the man to do so was a folk remedy that
says the eel can help with bowel movement, but instead
of caring the constipation, the eel went inside the men's
rectum to the colon and bit through it, entering from
the from the colon into the abdomen um. The deal

(40:37):
was still alive by the time it was removed during
operation for the eel. I hope, I hope it's lived
a full life. So this is where things are going
to kind of tie back to the two eel horse,
because I think I was waiting for that. I think
a lot of these incidents are in fact not due
to constipation, and our people just using that as an excuse.
They don't have to they don't have to admit the
slightly more embarrassing reasoning that being that they thought it

(40:59):
was hot because I remember only the only the first
guy you mentioned actually admitted it to being a kink
thing back in But ever since the first story in
twenty seventeen of a guy claiming its constipation, everyone is
using this reason now. Um. And I think a lot
of a lot of these incidents are actually actually also
kink stuff. Um. So back to the figging again rise

(41:21):
derived from figging with the horse. Um. With with with
the rise of internet and porn, uh, I think you
know this stuff has been getting more popular and and
and and once and once the once the ginger figguring
isn't exciting you anymore. You know what you're gonna do that.
That's that's right, baby, return to tradition and use the
original horse speaking tool, the live eel. And that's what's that.

(41:42):
That's that's what. That's what's going on. So I talked
to our doctor French Kava, who specializes in colin. Yeah,
he specializes in like colin, the exact doctor to deal
with this. So I talked, I talked about this um
and he said he said he's heard of this caitatient
excuse before, but he too and he and his and

(42:03):
his colleagues are skeptical and think that the conservation excuse
is actually bullshit. Sure, he he told me that people
get pretty creative when they start coming up with excuses
for things they put in their rectum, like he gave.
He gave examples as I was doing pull ups over
a shampoo bottle, or I had an itch, as you know,

(42:23):
reasons people bullshit for why they find weird things up there.
But um Sokva says that this is this is probably
probably a sex thing, and he doesn't he he could
not find any basis for this folk remedy. Like he
he cannot like see where this idea actually comes from.
He talked to like to like Chinese doctor of friends

(42:44):
of his and like like you know, like this isn't
a thing, Like we don't know where this this isn't
actually a thing. Um and like from my cursory examination, um,
eel and more broadly, like tentacle stuff is generally more
popular in Asia and Japan and China than is in
this states. Generally, UM, I mean it's there is definitely
its own thing here, but a lot of that also

(43:06):
does come from anime. Most of most of the tentacle
stuff is is around anime. UM and so I also,
I'll talk with our friend Chris about this, and and
and and we surmised that the reason why this may
be way more common in the Guangdong and Eastern Chinese
provinces is because those two areas produce an absurd amount
of the world's eel exports um. And then the amount

(43:29):
of el exports have been rapidly increasing over the past
twenty years, which means the people in those provinces have
eels just around like way and like they're they're way
more common and way more easily accessible than anywhere else
in the world. Basically, so like you can actually a
lot cheaper than whatever eel based sex toys you're about
to suggest, Garrison being absolutely thinking people a lot of
pay money when there's free eels lying around to get

(43:52):
get off with, because like, because the other thing is,
it's like I've I've tried to really find all references
to like this oak remedy folklore method of current constipation,
and it only tracks back to this to one article
um and anything before that, like and and the and
the one to US and three incident as well. But
but that's but that's it. There's no other there's really

(44:15):
no other basis for their actually being a focal origin.
So like if if if any, if any listeners are
have a knowledge of this tracking back before two US
and three, please please let me know, because I've tried looking.
I've spent days, days, days looking for information about about
eel anal constipation cures pre twenty pre to US and

(44:36):
three and preen and it's it's just I can't find anything.
Um so and and and doctors in China also agree
with this assessment. I'm going to read this is one
one final thing I'm gonna be looking at there. There
is one study from from from China looking at the
UH that the eel anus phenomenon. So they didn't they

(44:56):
did an actual study on this because they kept being
a problem um self. Introduction of an eel into the
anist causing colonic perforation is uncommon, but when it occurs,
the reason may be due to a biz our belief,
an inadvert sexual behavior, or a criminal assault. The situation
is more common in men about about four to one
um and once a live eels inserted into the colon,

(45:18):
it will bite through the wall of the colon, migrating
into the abdom abdominal cavity through perforation, resulting in an
accidental opportunistic human pathogen similar to the vibrio vole if
Nicklas infection COOL. Diagnosing a clonic form body can be
challenging because patients often deny the insertion. They may have

(45:40):
obscure anal pain, mucous discharge lacks anal tone, and fresh
bleeding from the rectum. Man just an incredible number of
of banded names in that sentence you just said. The
most common presenting clinical features of calonic perforation are para
tonal irritation with rebound tenderness and rigidity of the abdomen,
accompanied by fever and rapid heartbeat. These features should raise

(46:03):
the suspicion of a presence of a clonic foreign body playing.
Radio graphs are useful in diagnosing the perforations. However, a
ct S can is recommended if the findings are not
definitive or if the presence of a foreign body cannot
be ruled in or out by radio graphs alone. So
so yeah, this is this is how we get from
putting horse putting eels up horses butts to make them
seem younger and carry their tail high. And well, two

(46:25):
people dying and almost dying from eels eating their insides
because you saw it in a porn video. But I
just I really do love the like the actual like
linguistic pathway of feeding and then feeding changing from eels
to ginger, then the ginger thing changing from feeding to
figging for sex, and then going back to eels. It's

(46:47):
like full circle. It's just just beautiful, the beauty of life.
It's like poetry at rhymes. Yeah, exactly, It's amazing how
it just a complete full circle moment of starting with
eels with with figging, and ending with eels with figging. Um.
I love the human language. Humans are great, except for
all the horrible things that we do. This is again,

(47:10):
we probably shouldn't be doing this as like a global
pandemic and wasting hospital space because you keep shoving eels
up your butt like a lot of these were like
three three of these were like guys in the recommendation. Officially, no,
stop stop doing it. You can buy then, you can

(47:31):
buy toys. You can buy toys that do the same thing. Respect.
Eels can't consent backtfully, Robert, shut the fuck up. The
eels can't consent. The eels can listen to listen to Garrison.
Do not listen to Robert. That this actually does bring
us full circle, because what is perfectly safe and what

(47:53):
is perfectly ethical is using ethically slaughtered horse and ethically
fished eels to make an eel horse. I mean it
is more ethical. It is more ethical than shoving an
eel up your friends. But as they are asleep and
then and then them dying, that is true. So anyway,
that that is the ballad of eel horse and how
we get from eel horse to our modern eel anal epidemic. Perfect,

(48:17):
perfect lineage, just amazing lineage. Ah. If you're out there
and you've got a horse that's about to die of
natural causes, we want to put eels in it and
cook it. God, so hit us up. I would like
to be excluded from this narrative, but it is. It's
cool toon media. I hurt media dot com, cool zone

(48:38):
media at I heart media dot com. Find hob horribly
horribly dame. If you if you've got a lion on
a significant quantity of raw eels, we might, we might,
we might need that too, But I think I can
probably I'm gonna leave. I'm gonna I'm gonna, well, you're
going to cook the eel horse with me, Garrison. That's
going to happen when we finally get the horse and

(48:59):
the eels. Can I just say, can I just say, Garrison,
I'm sorry, I'm sorry that I'm sorry. I had to
watch so many of these videos, to watch many of
those videos to surely academic, purely academic. In fairness, absolutely
no one asked you to do this. No one ever
would have asked you to do this. We're asking you,

(49:24):
the listener at home, to check us out wherever podcasts
find the Bastards happened here, that happened here, pod I
wrote a book called After the Revolution. Maybe the sequel
will include an eel horse. If it's tasty, maybe that's
the future of food. There's no way to know. I
do like that this is. I know we've covered a

(49:45):
lot of darker topics on Behind the Bastards more recently,
and I do like this is. This is a very
nice light light beacon. And like the Bastards totem Pole,
we are pretty pretty low relatively means still, it's like
Phoenix programs, pretty high, but like but like the like
the horse salesman thing, they're they're pretty bad, but they're
on the lower end. I mean, it is there. They're

(50:06):
like they're they're they're they're on the lower end of bastards.
So I do like to have a bit of a
lighter presence in this in this episode. So you're welcome
for that. Um and yep, I'm done talking about this topic.
Come over, Garrison, I'm gonna cook crocodile tonight. I found
a place that will say I am, I am coming,
I'm coming right over actually in bye bye, Hey everybody,

(50:32):
wanted to record a note. Some people on the subcredit
got quite frustrated about some of the claims about the
Phoenix program um. They pointed out and ask Historians thread,
which doesn't put any shade on the specific claims made
by the author Douglas Valentine's about the eels and whatnot,

(50:53):
but does generally have issues with his sourcing. At least
one of his sources was one of the guy that's
very common when you're talking about Vietnam, which was like
some dude who pretended to have done something that he
hadn't or to have had a position that he hadn't.
You find this a lot on like both sides of
the war crimes discussion. I wanted to know that Number One,
I'm not entirely convinced by that Asked Historians thread, because

(51:14):
it's just a guy talking about you know why he
doesn't think this is a particularly credible and that thread
he talks about. One of his justifications is that like
eliminating insurgent infrastructure at a ground levels of basic counterinsurgency
tactic um, which yeah, it is a basic counterinsurgency tactic.
Counterinsurgency operations nearly always involved significant war crimes UM, and

(51:36):
you can see that no matter who is doing the counterinsurgency,
whether it's Kenya or Afghanistan with the Russians, you know
it's it's it's war crimes are part and parcel of counterinsurgency. UM.
The mess is kind of one of the reasons why
we don't generally delve into this territory too much without

(51:56):
doing it in a dedicated episode is that when you're
talking about like crimes against humanity, specifically once the CIA
was involved in UM, you've got a couple of different sources.
Some of them are going to be declassified documents, which
you know, in a lot of cases you actually do have.
Here's the CIA talking about fucked up ship they did,
but a lot of information was destroyed, a lot of
stuff never got written down. And so a lot of

(52:17):
times when you're talking about war crimes in a variety
of countries, you're getting human sources. Some of those will
be victims, some of those will be guys who were
in the CIA or who were in another military branch
and who there's always different kind of levels of credibility
and kind of shortcomings and inconsistencies in their stories, and
it's all sort of complicated by the fact that debate

(52:39):
over US war crimes in Vietnam within the United States
is incredibly political. Um. You can look at this when
you're just trying to determine the actual body count, right
there's a massive ongoing debate about how many civilians were
killed specifically and how many civilians were killed by the
United States, but just how many died in general in
Vietnam and Cambodia UM. And you can find historians arguing

(53:01):
at nauseum about this. UM. One of the big debates
with a lot of the kind of ground level war crimes,
because on any objective level, majority of war crimes the
US is responsible in Vietnam were committed from the air.
But when you're talking about ground level war crimes like
we were talking about here, you'll run into a couple
of different books, Nick terss Kill Anything That Moves and

(53:21):
Gary Kulik's War Stories, And these are very opposed books.
And you can find a lot of criticism about terse
his book um in online by historians. Uh Kulik is
who's critical of ters is generally seen as more credible.
Kulik was also a U S soldier in Vietnam, um.
And again so you're there's always this tremendous amount of

(53:43):
bias kind of no matter where you you come at
it from. And other people will point out that a
lot of the early like push to talk about US
war crimes in Vietnam was funded by Hanoi, which you
can say, yeah, and of course they have an agenda,
but also but yeah, they were also the victims of
a lot of war crimes. So this is just I
don't know, um. I this is not a case where
I feel like we necessarily got something wrong, um, because

(54:05):
I'm not convinced that the Douglas Valentine book is wrong,
especially based on the evidence that we have. But it
is worth noting that there is a tremendous amount of
debate over all of this, and as a general rule,
when we delve into stuff like this, UM, we will
try to make sure that it's in a thing focused
on that so that we can actually cover the swath

(54:27):
of historiography on the subject, rather than kind of um,
pass over a little bit of it, um and then
lead people to think that, Okay, well what about this,
what about this argument, what about that argument? Um? This
is all incredibly political history. So that's uh what you
get

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