August 4, 2020 • 59 mins
Robert is joined by Danl Goodman for a reading of fan fiction novel about Joe Biden, Barrack Obama and trains.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
M rectal polyps. Uh oh wait, nope, that's um, that's
not an introduction to a podcast. Um. I guess there's
no going back now. So that's the that's we've started
the podcast. This is behind the bastard, Robert, this is happening. Yeah,
this is happening. Um, Daniel, what do you what do
(00:20):
you think about recto polyps? However? How was you? How
how's your how's your how's your feelings on? How's my
feeling on that? I mean they I hope you can
get them treated, or I hope one could get them,
you know, treated, So you'd say you're broadly That sounds
like you're saying you're broadly anti recteal polyp. If you
think they need to be treated, I'm you know, I'm empty.
(00:43):
If it's causing your discomfort, let me tell you something.
Some people have friends, you know what I mean, Like,
you know, I have this, you know, weird tumor on
my right arm that's about the size of a bowling ball.
But that's just Jim and Jim and I are chilling,
and some people are like, you should see a doctor,
but like that's Jim. So if your rectel polyps are
part of your you know, your life. If it's just
(01:04):
you know, your buddies, if that's you know, Samantha and
John and whomever, then that's fine. That's why I feel
about rectel polyps that's good, so, Daniel, you know, that
really shows the difference between a normal person in rmy
as we call you, um and and a journalist like myself,
because as a as a responsible journalist, I have no
(01:26):
opinion on rectel polyps um, you know, just like I
have no opinion on cancer. It's my job to just say,
here are things that exist. Yeah, very good, Robert, very good,
you know. And that's the kind of journalism that we
need in the world right now. Not all of this bias,
(01:47):
not all of this you know so and so is evil,
so and so, none of that. We need the people
who are willing to say, hey, I have no opinion
on cancer. That's bold, Robert, and I appreciate you well. Daniel.
I appreciate you too, And as a result of my
appreciation for you, I would like to read a book
with you today over the internet. Do you like books, Danial,
(02:10):
Are you literate? Can you legally read? I am I'm literate.
Do you have your reading license? Yes, I can totally read.
Oh that's good, that's good. But like if I told
you I liked books, I feel like that would be
more or less not not fabrication, but just like over
statement of the truth I read. I can read. But
like last time I read a full book was a
(02:30):
few years ago. I need to change that. We'll change
that today. Also, this is Behind the Bastards. Did I
say that yet? Did I announced the podcast that this
is no? I just said record and this is behind
the Bastards the bastards. It's a show where we normally
talk about the worst people in all of the street.
I liked daniels intro better. I'm really sorry, thank you. Well, look,
(02:50):
this is a ship show. Simply, this is a ship show.
There's no getting around it. We are we are normally
a show that that gives very deeply researched episodes about
the worst people in all of history. But we're scrambling
for content at the moment because I have made a
mild career change in which I get repeatedly shot at
by federal agents almost every night, and so I need
(03:12):
I need some I need some buffer episodes and live
stream and cry. Yeah, it's a good time. It's a
good time, terrible time. You don't enough water, I know it,
and I drink a lot of water. You put it
in your eyeballs. That's different. We've had this conversation. The
eyes are the mouth of the top of the head, Sophie.
(03:32):
Everyone knows that. So in order to in order to
I can't even I can't even like there's a god you.
I realized the other night that like my team and
I have been going out and one of us since
(03:54):
the beginning of this, just through pure happenstance, is a
teenager UM and uh, we didn't like think to get
his um his contact info for like his people until
like night, like, oh yeah, that's probably something you should do,
whether or not, like they're they're a legal adult, like
you should probably have contacted anyway. It's been quite an uprising, UM.
(04:19):
But all right, enough uprising talk. So we're going to UM,
we're gonna we're gonna read a book today, Daniel, UM,
let's do it. And the book that I've picked, you know,
the book that Cody and Katie and I are reading,
um piece by piece making our way through is has
been Shapiro's True Allegiance, which is just one of the
worst things ever written. Um. And obviously that's sort of
(04:39):
a right wing fantasy of societal collapse, written by an
incompetent grifter. And I wanted I wanted to do some balance, right,
you know that as a journalist, I'm all about balance.
So I wanted to find something utterly shameful and left wing. Um.
And the thing that I've chosen, and we'll see if
this winds up being a good choice or a bad
choice is Hope Never Dies, the first Obama Biden mystery
(05:03):
novel by Andrew Shamer. Yeah, yeah, it's it's a New
York Times bestseller apparently, which is that's a real problem. Um.
And the the the quote that is up on the
Amazon page for the for the review of this book
by Alexander Alter of The New York Times is quote
(05:25):
Hope Never Dies as an escapist fantasy that will likely
appeal to liberals pining for the previous administration, longing for
the Obama Biden team to emerge from political retirement as
action heroes. Which is the saddest thing I can imagine
someone wanting, like in this like looking out at this world.
Have you seen Joe Biden's promo videos that that's the
(05:49):
description of them. Yeah, no, it is. It's him and
Obama just like yeah, bro, like remember the good old days.
This guy. It's the kind of thing where it's like
I can't imagine I can't get into the head of
someone who looks at where we are right now with
(06:10):
um all of the horrific violence, particularly against people of color,
you know, carried out by police, Uh, the increasing occupation
of liberal cities by federal agents. UM. The UH horrific
virus tearing through our communities and upending life as we
know at, the complete economic collapse, UM, the children in
(06:30):
cages on the border, UM. All of the horrible things
that this administration has done. And you realize and and
I can't imagine seeing that and going you know, the
guys who for who's eight years in power immediately proceeded
and directly led to this nightmare and enabled it in
a variety of ways. What if we went back to that,
like it's just it's it's baffling to me. Yeah, I mean,
(06:54):
you know, the grass is always greener, yeah, etcetera, etcetera.
Were re human nizing George Bush, like it's all look,
everybody is all hands off when it comes to the
good old days, everybody's drunk on member berries, and you
know that's how it goes, drunk on member berries. Yeah.
So I'm gonna read you the summary of this book
(07:15):
from Amazon before we get into the three d and
five pages of gut churning content. Vice President Joe Biden
and President Barack Obama team up in this high stakes
thriller that combines a mystery worth of Watson and worthy
of Watson and Holmes with a laugh out loud romantic
chemistry of lethal weapons Myrtle and rigs. You just did
your breath voice? I just I feel ill when they
(07:40):
compare it to lethal weapon for a variety of reasons.
Oh lord. Vice President Joe Biden is fresh out of
the Obama White House and feeling adrift when his favorite
railroad conductor dies in a suspicious accident. His favorite railroad conductor.
This is good, right that that's pretty funny. Actually, Um,
(08:07):
so they're really making the center of this the fact
that Joe Biden wrote an amtrack for quite a while. Um,
that's a that's a choice. Uh yeah, Okay, So apparently
they uncover the sinister forces advancing America's opioid epidemic. What
could those forces be but but perdue pharmaceutical Like, it's
(08:28):
not a mystery. Yeah, it's easy. We know who it is.
I may have the answer for you guys. Yeah. I
love it. I love It's my god. Wow. Okay, um
(08:53):
um yeah, So alright, I guess we should just we
should just get into the us. Um. Yeah, let's let's
let's dive in to the start of this beautiful book.
So the cover of this is like Joe Biden and
Barack Obama and Joe Biden's mustang, Joe's behind the wheel,
(09:16):
and Barack Obama is standing very awkwardly in the mustang
pointing forward. There's something about their face that's that's just
off enough to be deeply unsettling to me. I recommend
looking it up, because like they're just not quite right. Uh.
Biden looks like he's melting a little bit, and Barack
Obama looks like they took ten years off the top
of his head but left the bottom of his head unchanged.
(09:37):
It's very unsettling. So let's let's get into Andrew Schaefer's book.
First off, it's dedicated for Uncle Joe, So that's that's
good Uncle Joe, Uncle Joe, who sniffs your hair? The
opening quote that, um, that that sets this up is
it is better to light a candle than to curse
the darkness by W. L. Watkinson, which is like, I
(09:59):
guess Andrews saying like I'm lighting a candle for the
besieged American people by writing a mystery novel about a
fake relationship between the president and vice president. Thank you
for this candle, Andrew, this is what American needed. Oh
and then the acknowledgements after that quote he is thanks Obama,
(10:24):
so almost the sarcastically toned thanks Obama. Yeah, yeah, that's
that's how I usually mean it. Yeah, oh lordie, Okay, alright,
chapter there are fifty three chapters in this mother, Um,
we better get started. That's not good. Um. So I
(10:44):
think chapter one starts in in Joe Biden's voice. Um,
the night this all started, I was in a black
Irish mood. And that was before I learned my friend
was dead. I was sitting at my computer, and I
think we know that Joe Biden cannot use a computer.
If anything has been made clear, no way that man
(11:05):
cannot google. He is not doing his Google's himself. Yeah, no, sir,
but he's he's he's he's sitting at his computer, um
watching one of those so called paparazzi videos, which is
apparently a wide shot of Cape Town's tabled table mountain
and a pair of sailor uh sailing along? Um oh
(11:28):
okay Uh, he's watching a video of Barack Obama para sailing.
I guess um. Yeah, unencumbered by his deadweight loser Vice
President forty four was on the vacation to end all vacations,
wind surfing on Richard Branson's private eye. Oh, I remember
this when when Barack Obama went on vacation um while
the fascists moved into the White House, and that was good.
(11:50):
Um kayaking with Justin Trudeau, bass jumping in Hong Kong
with Bradley Cooper. Barack wasn't simply tempting the fates. He
was daring them. And why not if he could survive
eight long years is the first black US president. He
could survive anything. Not that I was worried about him.
I was done getting all worked up over Barack Obama.
Is he piste off? I think he's he's kind of
he's kind of angry at Barack. At the start of this,
(12:11):
I was gonna say, he's definitely like a Joe. Maybe
he's like, you know, Joe didn't get enough shine. Yeah,
he kept him in the dark man, like he's bumped.
I thought this relationship was about more than just being
the president and Vice president wild so I forced myself
to look away from the computer. I turned to face
the dartboard in the back of my office. It was
an old Christmas gift from my daughter. I kept it
(12:33):
in storage for many years, but now I finally had
some free time on my hands. Maybe too much, Yeah,
like you were getting up to a lot of work
as the vice president, Joe. Come on, man, maybe too
much free time? One call, I said to my faithful companion, Champ,
Is that too much to ask? The dog glanced up
with indifference. He'd heard it all before, just so he
This is Joe Biden sitting alone in his room, drinking,
(12:56):
watching videos of Barack Obama on vacation and becoming in
You seeingly better that he was not invited to go
party with the former president, poor j Yeah, just like
staring out the window like that that Mastering Commander gift.
When Russell Crowe is just like looking out the window
and the rains just like yes. Yeah. He throws a
(13:18):
dart at a magazine with Bradley Cooper and Barack Obama
on the front and hits Bradley Cooper right between the eyes.
So he is Joe's in a dark place when this starts,
and a dartsman. Apparently this is interesting. Barack even had
the goal to tell People magazine that we still went
golfing together on occasion. To save face, I repeated the lie.
The truth was there hadn't been any golf outings, no
(13:40):
late night texting, not even a friendly poke on Facebook.
I watched the skuys for smoke signals. I read the
New York Times, dissecting headlines looking for clues he might
have left me nothing. Sometimes, late at night, after Jill
was sound asleep, I scrolled for the old text messages
Barack and I had exchanged a lifetime. What is happening?
Oh my god, this is so weird. Yeah, this is unsettling.
(14:03):
Um so yeah, Jill was like a like a spurned X.
At the start of this sounds like so he here's
a prowler outside, uh, and he opens up his wall safe.
There were two things inside my Medal of Freedom and
my sig Sour pistol. The beam shooter was a gift
ted Bot for myself. Sections aren't your shotguns enough? She'd asked,
(14:26):
what on earth can you need a handgun for? For
times like this? Jill, get some Jill Biden shap here.
So he slips the pistol into the waistband of his shirt.
Where's your secret service to tail, Joe? I'm gonna guess
we're in a non secret service existing um world with this.
If Joe Biden has taken care of his own security
(14:46):
with a Sig Sour shoved into his pants. Bro, I
literally I want to win the lottery simply to pay
Joe Biden to act out the first age or the
first ten pair, whatever you have just read. I want
to pay him enough money to actually act this out
and get Joe Biden in it. Yeah. I have a
(15:08):
feeling that come November he'll have a lot of free time,
so you might be able to may be able to
make that happen. Yes, I mean, Bro, we're making it happen.
That we're making it happen. I'm I'm I've also planned
to win the lottery around then, so that's a good plan.
This is a good time to suddenly get millions of dollars, right. Yeah,
So Joe goes out into the streets to um, uh
(15:30):
see who's here. He smells Marlborough reds. Um, she's oh, good,
Lord in heaven. So he goes out to like check
who's going around and he as he's like searching around,
he smells Marborough reds and he thinks, don't get your
hopes up, hope, it's just a four letter word. Um. Well,
they're really making him sound like a spurned lover. Um,
(15:51):
I'm guessing that it's Barack Obama sneaking around the outside
of his house. This has to end in sweaty sex
or this book is for nothing thing. Yeah, that's all
I'm saying. My own security detail had been dismissed. Several
weeks earlier. Vice presidents were granted six months of protection
following their time in office, and not a day more
unless they were extenuating circuit. I don't think that's true.
(16:12):
I don't think that's true at all. Are you telling
me Dick Chady doesn't still have secret service cards? Like
that doesn't seem Probably does. Yeah, I don't know. Um,
maybe I'm wrong about That doesn't seem right to me.
Oh no, there they were, Uh what, his secret service
has been dismissed. But then immediately afterwards he like nods
to his secret service guys. I don't know. I guess
(16:32):
this is just a bad book. But they are here.
So he goes off into the woods, and the smell
of burning tobacco gets stronger. I guess he's being led
like a siren into the arms of Barack Obama, who's
hiding in the woods outside of his former vice president's house. Yeah.
I swiveled around there to my left by the big
oak tin paces away a man crouched low, scratching champ
(16:53):
behind his dog behind the ears. German shepherds don't take
this to strangers, but this man was no stranger. He
rose to his feet, a slim figure are in his
black hand tailored suit. His white dress shirt was unbuttoned
at the neck. He took a long drag off his cigarette,
exhaled smoke with leisure. Barack Obama was never in a hurry.
There we go, there we go. Never in a hurry.
(17:17):
Uh yeah, so um that's interesting. Um yeah. So they
meet and they have a little conversation that I'm sure
is meant to be very satisfying to a certain type
of liberal, where they talk about Barack Obama's time parassailing
and how there's a moment where if Joe's like I
(17:38):
thought you quit smoking, he took another long drag off
his cigarette I did, which is like, I guess would
work more if there was like, you know, if they
were actually hard boiled cops or something, right, Like, that's
a moment that would work. But it's like the multi
millionaire former president who lives in a gigantic mansion and
was just parasailing with celebrities and whose job is over
and who doesn't actually have to do anything ever again.
(18:00):
But anyway, I don't know is do you know? But
by the way, it's sorry to interrupt again, do you
know how old this author is, like when they wrote
this book, how old they were, I don't know. I
don't know. I want to look up Andrew Schaefer a
thing that a real journalist would have done immediately. Is
it sixteen? Uh? It might be sixteen. Andrew Schaefer is
an America. Okay, let's here's his Wikipedia. It's born in
(18:21):
Cedar Rapids, Iowa. Under the pen name Fannie Merkin. He
authored the fifty Shades of Grey parody fifty Shames of
Earl Gray? What the fuck? I want to hit this
man already? Of Earl Yeah, he wrote a fifty Shades
of Gray parodies. So this guy is I mean, clearly
(18:44):
like someone who looks out for an opportunity to write, uh,
to shift out a novel quickly that will cash in
on a grift. A fourteen years old you know. Uh
doesn't say that's a great question. There's a lot of
There's a lot of questions. So okay, let's look. I'm
just just looking at this guy's Wikipedia. His other books
(19:05):
include Great Philosophers Who Failed a Love Literary Rogues of
Scandalous History of Wayward Authors. H And he's the founder
and creative director of Order of St. Nick, a greeting
card company. Oh he lives in fucking Portland, Oregon. What fun?
I can't actually beat the ship out of this guy. Um,
all right, okay, I I may I may have to
do that as a journalist. Uh. So he's a columnist
(19:28):
for the Huffington Post. And can I interview you you
know fists? Yeah? Yeah, So he's got a greeting card company,
that's been on The Colbert Report and NPR and Fox News.
He also wrote a book about Shark Nado. So he's
he's really like, yes, seems like one of these guys
(19:48):
who just kind of waits for something he can write
a terrible book about. Can I just say, haven't seen
what he looks like? Not fuckable? Not fuckable? All right,
Andrew Shaffer. I might run into him at the protests, Uh,
in which case I will let him know that he's unfusckable. Um,
I'll make sure to do that, Sophie. Uh. He also
wrote The Day of the Donald, subtitled Trump Trump's America,
(20:10):
a satirical work of fiction. Um. The book imagines Donald
Trump winning the Oh no, I think he wrote this before.
Wait when did this get published? Yeah? It was published June.
So in June he wrote a satirical book imagining Donald
Trump winning the election to become president. No, yeah, no,
(20:35):
what is happening? Okay? So the book focuses on protagonist
Jimmy burn Would, a down on his luck former tabloid reporter,
and his attempts to ghostwrite President Trump's memoire, and his
investigation into a murder. Why are these all murder mysteries
like what is what is going on with Andrew Schaeffer.
I don't like this person. I think I know what's
going on. Was that I said? And Sophie, you were
(20:57):
right by the way, extremely unfusable, are you? I haven't,
I don't. I don't want to see the face of
this You know who? You know who is? Sponsors. Our
sponsors are incredibly fuckable, the most fuckable sponsors in podcasting.
(21:19):
We're back, and we're just thinking about the thrusting, girdlesome
might of our sponsors. Um. And we're also thinking about
Andrew Schaefer, who it seems like his whole life is
about kind of just keeping an eye out for something
to be real viral and then shooting out a very
quickly written book to cash in on uh it um
(21:39):
and generally doing it from kind of a milk toast
liberal perspective. UM. So that that seems like this guy's
whole life and career, which is good, I guess, a
good thing to do, you know what, Yeah, go off, Yeah,
So here we go. We're back. Joe, Biden and Barack
are meeting up again for the first time in a
(22:00):
in a long time, and um, he's Barack Obama, the
former president, without his Secret Service detail inte, infiltrates Joe
Biden's home, I guess his compound, uh, to tell him
that an amtrack conductor, Finn Donnally, that that Joe Biden
(22:21):
knew um is, has been hit by a train and killed.
That's Barack Obama's business at the Biden household. Okay, yeah.
Also Biden immediately recognizes the name of this conductor because
he's the finest one I know. Um. So that's interesting,
the finest one, the finest, only the finest conductors. Yeah. Yeah,
(22:44):
someone has killed the very best amtrack conductor um which
is which is a shame. So Barack Obama felt like
this was important enough. Uh, I had a hunch you
know him, you knew him. I wanted to tell you
myself before you heard from somewhere else. So Brock didn't
even know that Joe knew this guy. He just heard
(23:05):
an amtrack conductor died, and he was like, I have
to infiltrate, break into Joe Biden's property to let him
know in the off chance that he knew this guy
as well, And of course he did, Yeah, of course
he did, of course. So that's fun. Um. So they
go on talking about how this amtrack conductor died YadA, YadA, YadA.
(23:26):
There they also have a heartfelt conversation it seems like
about the fact that Barack Obama hasn't called Joe in
a while. Um, really making Joe out to be kind
of a spurned lover in this, which I guess is
an editorial choice. Like I'll say this for the book. Um,
it's better written than Ben Shapiro's True Allegiance, Like it's
it's a it's a functionally written novel, like Andrew Schaefer
(23:50):
knows how to write in the same way that like,
you know, somebody can know how to drive. Uh, he
doesn't crash the car, right, Sure, that's that's the thing
I'll say for Andrew Shaefer. Um. Yeah, some baffling choices.
So uh. The they finished their conversation and Barack Obama
(24:13):
like disappears into the shadows like Batman. So I think
we're making Barack out to be basically Batman here, um,
which is again really a fascinating series of choices. And
I think it might just be that Andrew Shaffer doesn't
really know how to write anything besides mystery novels, and
so that's just kind of kind of what he goes for. Um. Alright,
so our next chapter, it's it's good God, there's a
(24:37):
lot of this. He might also know how to write
romance novels. So I'm gonna read you the start of
chapter three. Here you come to bed last night, Jill said.
I stumbled into the kitchen around half past nine, weary
from a night of bad sleep. My mind had been
on fire with questions about Finn Donnelly. Every time I
finally started drift off, some little noise outside would startle
me awake. Several times I wondered if I hadn't dreamed
(24:58):
my entire counter with Barack Obama, the lingering scent of
tobacco in my hair set otherwise, Oh my gosh, the
horny levels are off the charts. This is a very
horny novel between the vice horn. I maintain, if this
isn't ending in hot, sweaty sex, it is for nothing. Yeah.
(25:19):
I don't. I don't know that that Andrew Schaeffer realizes
how horny he's being. Um, I mean, yeah, it is satire,
but his his history of novels makes me think that
he has never for a second understood what satire is. Um,
it's also impossible to do post so I don't know. Um,
(25:43):
I shouldn't be too hard out him. I guess. Uh.
Joe Biden goes from like noticing that her husband is
having an affair with the former president to asking if
he's thought more about getting a c PAT machine, and
then we have a couple of paragraphs about Joe Biden's
sleep Appne, why why are you putting this in? Great?
I mean great, get after it. That's that's very funny. Yes,
(26:07):
So Joe Joe reads that the the amtrack conductor. This
is a really big story. I guess that an amtrack
conductor has been killed. It's all over the news now,
and it's all that Joe Biden can think about. As
again a fascist takes over, uh, the instruments of state.
It's weird also that they're making the focus of this
(26:27):
novel the murder of an amtrack conductor. And I guess
it's where it's like, I mean, if you're gonna go
with this premise, there's other things happening right Like, to
be honest with you, this feels like the kind of
thing where like he wrote it because he knew that
Joe Biden, after hearing an Amtrak conductor was murdered, would
(26:50):
say something to be like, well, such a noble profession,
we can't let our amtrack drivers be murdered, and he
would read that book from cover to cover. Yeah, I
think he might. That's what I'm thinking. It's weird because
it's it's clearly like I don't understand seeing this as
a fantasy, right, Like I don't understand who who could
(27:13):
like get into this book and be comforted by Like, ah, yes,
I remember when Barack Obama and Joe Biden were presidents,
were in charge, and I enjoy imagining that they had
a weird quasi sexual relationship and solved murder mysteries when
ann Trap conductors were killed. Like I can't get my
head into that person's that person's brain. I don't know. Yeah,
(27:35):
but you know what, I'm here for the ride. Let
me tell you what. I'm not really here for the ride, Daniel, um, like,
it's it's not for me per se, But I mean,
I'm I'm hoping. I'm here for the ride is one
of the closing lines of the book, as so Daniel
just wants the book to become wild. Look I'm just saying.
(27:57):
I'm just saying. If you want to get a ribbing
novel here between these two, they better be fucking That's
where I'm at, all right, Daniel T Wait are are you?
Are you team Edwards, a team writer, Team Jacob. I
have no opinion. I have no opinion. That none, none.
I'm team I don't need to bring that. Biden Obama,
(28:20):
Biden Obama. You know I'm here for the ride. Are
you team dry scabs or wet scabs? We're all team
wet scalps. H fucking Biden meets up with his contact
in the police department, who tells him that they found
(28:40):
heroin in the pockets of the am track conductor and Joe.
Biden is incensed by this because he knows he knows
this am track conductor, and he knows that this am
track conductor is a teetotal er. Uh, same as me.
Something wasn't right. Martin Luther King Jr. Said the moral
luck of the universe was long and bent towards the
sides of justice. By the time the Verse got to
(29:00):
writing the wrongs in Wilmington's, however, I feared that it
would be too late, not just to forfin or the city,
but for us all, like, what the how is? How is?
How would this ever be your priority? Joe? I don't know.
So this is like the most important thing in the
world to Joe Biden right now, and it's like it
is apparently it's it's a it's very much kind of
in line with the specific type of of kind of
(29:23):
liberal person that they when they imagine a thing for
their fantasy Joe Biden and Barack Obama to solve, Like,
they don't even consider going into the very real problems
that are happening as a result of these fascists kind
of taking over office. They don't they don't deal with
any of like these actual massive issues. Um. They decide like, okay, well,
(29:44):
let's make up the murder of an amtrack conductor and
awkwardly tie it to opiates m boom like that that
like and and and let's frame it as if it's
like a massive issue of national importance, um, even though
it's definitely not again, definitely not. There's kids in cages, um,
But okay, we'll worry about the am track conductor exactly. Truly. Yeah,
(30:09):
So the next chapter is Joe meeting Finn's wife, who's
got a stroke, had who has a stroke and is disabled. Um,
he really knows a lot about this am track conductor.
Joe clearly spent an enormous amount of time talking to
the conductor of his am track trade that's really funny. Yeah,
I love I love that world. Joe's just down to
(30:30):
the train station with his little hat on, blowing that
little wooden whistle. Like you guys heard this one, Joe,
you heard that one a million times. You heard this one.
Here Joe down at the station and might be the
most precious human. Okay, alright, can you make the trade
(30:55):
ways again? So Joe goes to this guy's funeral and
after six God, I this is my favorite book ever. Yeah,
he goes to the Amtrak dude's funeral. Um, he takes
a seat in the back row because this isn't about
Vice President Joe Biden. It's about five Um the dead
man's Yeah, all right, great, uh God, just a big
(31:21):
lot of time spent discussing the funeral of this amtrack
conductor is Obama like a football field away, smoking a cigarette,
leaning on a tree, dressed for the funeral but wearing sunglasses,
leaning on it. And then Joe Biden comes up later
and it's like, what are you doing here? Yeah, some
along those lines. I don't know. I haven't seen Obama yet,
(31:44):
Like he hasn't come back into the story. How is
he not there a football field away, leaning on a tree,
dressed for the funeral, smoking a cigarette. There's a lot
of Joe Biden and other political figures talking to the
family members of this deceased AM Track conduct. They're really
they're really leaning a heart on a dead AM track
conductor as the chief. Yeah, that's an interesting authorial choice
(32:09):
by Andrew Shaver. Here. Um, good lord, Okay, yep, Joe
Biden next chapter, he's just doing more. This is just
really a detective novel. Um, this is just a detective
novel with a weird erotic relationship between Barack Obama and
Joe Biden. Um that seems to be barely getting any
(32:30):
play at this point, to be honest, Um, that's unsettling.
Uh so Uh, Joe Biden winds up out in the
streets like like doing some gumshoe. Uh detective ng trying
to like figure out this murder. I crouched low and
ducked back through the hole in the fence. Bracing for
(32:51):
the back strain again. Instead, there was a sharp pop
in my lefty. So we're doing a lot of Joe
Biden is also an old man. My leg buckled out
come under me, and I went down hard, landing on
my side. The train zipped past with a high pitched wine.
The ground rumbled for two seconds, jostling every molecule in
my body, right down to the silver fillings and my molars,
and then all was still again. I rolled onto my
(33:11):
back and clutched my knee. In high school, I had
been a standout football player. I didn't have the arm
strength to be quarterback or the long fingers to be
a wide receiver, but I had the getaway sticks. I
could tuck the ball and run. Senior year, I was
the leading scorer. Senior year, I had also banged up
my left knee. Since then, it had been known to
act up on occasion, and I'd always been able to
grip my teeth and bear it. This was the first
time it had completely given up on me. If you
(33:32):
can't trust your own body, who can you trust. I
didn't know what I was doing down here, crawling around
the crime scene. As head of the executive branch Barrock
held the top law enforcement position in the country. I've
been as right hand man. That didn't amount to a
hill of beans when it came to actual police work.
Was like Santa Claus. It was like asking Santa Claus
to make you a toy train. It was a job
best suited for his else the fat man in the
(33:53):
red suit didn't know the first thing about standing down
wooden toys for good little girls and boys. I had
no business here. That's a weird set of thoughts to
what is how is that all happening? And it's it's
like yes, this, It is like yes, Andrew Shaffer. The
central conceit of your knowledge that Joe Biden and Barack
Obama are solving the mystery of a murder of a
train conductor is pretty absurd on its face. Okay, what
(34:17):
would Barack say if he saw me out here rolling
around like a turtle on my back. We hadn't talked
since his visit two nights ago. As far as I
was concerned, nothing between us had changed. Yes, he'd kept
his word and put the scare into the police department,
the lurid details as they were ahead, and hit the
papers for that. I was grateful, but there was still
too much unspoken between us. I wasn't about to send
another errant text through the airwaves and see if I'd
(34:38):
get a response. I was through being made to be
the fool. This is so far my favorite part of
the novel, Like the the clearly jilted lover uh plotline
going on here, Like the fact that Joe is deeply
incensed that Barack Obama doesn't call, which is probably true
about the real Barack Obama and Joe Biden because it
took probably Barack a long time to to say that
(34:59):
people should vote Joe. I mean, you know, an appropriately
long time. The burning gonna pull it out amount of time.
Oh boy, Next chapter. Wilmington's station's official name is the
Joseph R. Biden Junior Railroad Station, although nobody used it.
Everyone trains. There's so much. Yeah, this is all about
(35:21):
train so far. Every chapter is deeply train focused. It's
like three things about Joe Biden, that's it. And one
of them is trains, and the second thing is also trains,
and the third thing is rock. Yeah. I think he
scanned Joe Biden's Wikipedia page and he was like, Okay,
he read the he wrote the amtrack a lot. Let's
(35:43):
make this entire book focused on the Amtrak trains. Trains, Baby,
oh boy. We do get a little bit of a
talk about um An Aquatics Center, which is interesting given
the the what is his name Jesus a million years
ago when Joe Biden told the story about the black
(36:04):
man he got into a fight with at the swimming coop.
Corn Pop? God, Remember corn pop? Remember when that happened?
I love I love being able to think about corn
pop without having to think about literally everything else at
the same time. Yeah, remember a thousand years ago when
corn the before times? Yeah, in the before times and
(36:27):
the long long ago and the long long ago. There
we go. The thing is it was in the only
place in town bearing my name. The city also renamed
a public pool after me, the Joseph ar Biden, Jr.
Aquatic Center, down at the corner of East twenty three
North Locust. It's a pretty poor neighborhood. I had worked
as a lifeguard at the pool while putting myself through college.
The other lifeguards would ask me questions about race relations
(36:50):
because I was the only white guy many of them knew.
We learned a lot from one another. One black lifeguard
asked if I had gas, a gasoline can he could borrow.
He wanted to see his grand mom in North Carolina.
We can't stop at most gas stations down there, he'd said. Wow, Yeah,
the pool was where my commitment to civil rights began.
Oh boy, I would have felt better if they'd renamed
(37:12):
the pool after Martin Luther King Jr. Or a local
black politician. But the neighborhood appreciated that I'd never turned
my back on them. I'd never turned my back on anyone.
It just wasn't something a Biden did. Yeah. I can
imagine all those black lifeguards asking young Joe Biden about
race relations. That that's to That sounds like a thing
(37:32):
that occurred. Classic Joe. Yeah, he knows it all. Yeah,
he is the streets. You know the streets. Yeah, that's
what I'm getting from this book. Well, he's the streets
if they were around a train station. Correct, Because Joe
Biden is mentally incapable of thinking about anything that is
into train station or his unrequited lust for Barack Obama
(37:56):
shipping processing. Yah love it, Oh good god, love it.
Um boy, howdy, we we still aren't getting back into
Barack Obama being Oh no, here we go. Okay. The
end of this chapter we get back to Barack Obama.
Uh so, Joe Biden, after doing some more gum shoeing,
calls an Uber and a black Cadillac Escalade pulls up
(38:18):
to pick him up. And oh god, okay, a black
Cadillac Escalade pulled up to the curb in front of me.
The truck sized suv sat there idling. Was my ride?
Early If there was an Uber sign on the dash,
I had no way of knowing. I couldn't see anything
through the heavily tinted windows. Suppose this wasn't my ride.
Suppose it was some enemy of the state, some deranged
lunatic fixated on a former vice president. Suppose Finn wasn't
(38:39):
the one who left the print out of my address
behind on the train. My heart rate began to ratch
it up. I had no Secret Service protection anymore, no
private security. I didn't even have my pistol, because who
brings a gun to a funeral. The vehicle just sat there,
towering over me. There was nothing stopping a passenger from
rolling down one of the windows and poking me full
of holes. Was a sitting duck with no wings to
carry me away. I inhaled arple and squeezed the bouquet.
(39:01):
Tight water dripped out of the bottom onto the cement.
The tinted black window lowered. Need a lift. Barack Obama asked,
ba ba ba ba ba bading. Wow, yeah, oh boy,
the next chapter. Now the escalators into traffic. I stared
(39:21):
at the flowers in my hand, which I think we're
for Jill. They looked like regular white flowers. They had
some red roses, but they were three times the price.
Barack made a little finger gun and pointed it at me.
That's why they're more romantic. I sighed. Barack was right.
He was always right anyway. I was headed home. He
was always right. Oh god, anyway, Joe says. I was
headed home, and he patted me on my knee. The
(39:44):
good one, we'll drop you off, he said, the good one,
the good one. I love it. I love it. I'm
just I'm so I'm elated right now. This is this
is good. Um, this is great. Top shelf, top top shelf.
I want this to be optioned into a movie, into
(40:09):
into an erotic thriller. Yes, someone paid them enough money
that they want to do this. And then we'll and
then we'll advertise that movie on our show, like we
advertise the sponsors that. Robert's about to shout out right
now because I guess what an ad break. Yes, you
know what, we'll fuck Barack Obama. You know what? Sexually?
(40:36):
What is product? Wow? We're back, um and boy howdy.
We are just powerfully aroused at the pulsating escalations of
romantic tension between Barack Obama and Joseph Robinette Biden Um,
(41:00):
which I, for one, don't find shameful and awkward at all. Uh,
Jesus Christ. I leaned back in the seat. Barack stared
at me for a bit. You look like you've been
playing football, he said. My shoes were shined, but the
rest of my suit was filthy at tripped. It's nothing, really,
m Barack said. The President was always saying stuff like
that to me and her occasionally her Um. Even after
(41:25):
working together for eight years, I hadn't decoded the meaning
behind them. Barack was at times a fortress, at other
times a glass case of emotion, As Will Ferrell would say,
what the fuck Andrew, goddamnit? Um, I love it, I
love just make just make references to pop culture in
the middle of your storage. You know that that add
(41:46):
nothing the best part, that's the best part. Yeah, when
you talk about Anchorman. So they talk about Barack Obama's
special escalade, which, for some baffling reason, he'd had import
it from Afghanistan. Like he he had an armored escalated
imported from Afghanistan even though they're never they're not made
(42:06):
in Afghanistan there shipped there. But like what, Yeah, that's
a weird call um cool. Yeah, but but they have
they have their own armored escalade. Uh, that's great, very cool.
I love that even with everything we know about how
much money we spend on the military, everything that's supposed
(42:27):
to be like fancy and tech has to come from
somewhere else. It's like shipping from Russia, shipped from sald
Rabia ship. It's like it's obviously made by DARPA right
here with some crazy other stuff on it. It's just
like it's right there in Wisconsin. You don't need to
go all the way out there. You're that's a weird
attempt to like make Baracks seem less rich than he is,
because it's like when his what Biden notes, like when
(42:48):
his wife saw how much the armored escalated costs like
she told me better have another book idea or two.
And it's like they've got hundreds of millions of dollars
an armored escalators, like maybe a million bucks or so, right,
maybe like two if we assume he's getting one of
the really good ones, Like it's sucking pennies for for
a guy like Barack Obama, Like he can have as
many armored escalates as he wants to by tanks, especially
(43:08):
the Obama Barack Obama in this story. Everything is pennies
for the Barack Obama in this story. Yes, yes, yeah, okay,
So I don't know this is this seems like it's
going to be a pretty standard um mystery adventure that
focuses weirdly on an Amtrak train. I don't know what
(43:31):
to say about that. Uh, Daniel, do you have anything
you want us to search for in this? As we
kind of like like like it's very clear what this is, right,
like this is a like I mean like you look, yeah, Robert,
you know what I'm looking for? Is it search sets? No?
(43:52):
No no no no no no no no no no
no no no no no, Because if Mr Shaffer here
is anything like he's been saying. The word sex might
not even come up. There's only one use of the
word sex. Yeah, there you go. So it's gonna be
something along the lines of just like like the word touch, sweat,
(44:12):
thinking something like something like strength or like caress, or
like I just know, I just know that there's some
that there's some there's something in here or or if
or if the phrase I'm along for the ride comes
back up again. Yeah, so you know one thing that
I'm coming also prepared to be wrong as I look
(44:34):
for sweat. So there's there's a lot of weird talk
about Joe Biden's guns. Um like it makes a big
point about the fact, like Joe Biden did one of
the things he did when he and Brock were running,
is he like to try to like make a ploy
for getting the the kind of liberal gun owner vote
behind him. Is he like post he like made a
big factor the point of the fact that he owned
a couple of shotguns for like skeet shooting and stuff,
(44:58):
which I don't know, like I don't think got them
a single vote, because anyone who's actually like into gun
ownership just doesn't just own a a double barreled shotgun.
Or whatever. Like that's just kind of like the thing
democrats do when they're trying to seem um briefly relatable
to um uh rural folk. But this book makes a
big point of the fact that Joe Biden is a
(45:19):
is a gun owner and also has a sig sour.
So this is from like thirty percent of the way
through the book. Uh, Barack and Joe are are are
getting into a tough scrape of a situation. They're parking
in like a garage and going into like investigate some
some unsettling people. And uh here here's the uh here,
I'm just gonna start reading from the end of the chapter.
(45:41):
Brock steered to me, did you tell Jill you were
going out with me? It's none of her business who
I go out with. I'm in the seventh decade of
my life. I can do whatever I want. No one's
the boss of me. I used to be your boss.
The American people were our boss, I told him, But
things have changed. He shook his head and wiped a
beat of sweat from his brow. Did you bring that
heat or you were packing the other night? Talking about
Joe's handgun. I felt a twinch of embarrassment. Of course,
(46:03):
Barack knew I was a gun owner. I talked about
my shotguns enough that he could probably tell you the
make and model. But he wasn't talking about my shotguns.
They've been there have been reports of prowlers. I said,
you can't be too careful. You're right about that. A
lot going on in this world, even when it comes
to the friendly faces. It's hard to tell who to
trust these days. He paused, So you're bringing it, I'm
not bringing it. He looked me steady in the eye,
as if he was trying to assess whether I was
(46:24):
lying or not. Finally satisfying, Okay, So Barack Obama doesn't
want Joe bringing bringing the gun on their investigation. Um,
that's weird, okay, whatever. Um, yeah, I don't know. It's
a weird book, Daniel. I don't. It seems I mean,
it seems weird, and unfortunately it doesn't seem like it
ends with what the clear ending should be, at least
(46:44):
in my eyes. But the fucking or parasailing, I mean both, No,
but the the fucking we'll just go We'll go straight
with the fucking No, I mean, and and I don't,
I don't blame him. You know, this isn't a slash
fick as it were. It's you know, this is a
you know, and he's not advertised as a romance novel,
like I get it. So you know, maybe my my
(47:06):
hopes were too high. And if I really want that,
I know several websites I can go find that at.
So that's how it goes, I suppose, Oh, really cool. Cool. Okay,
So last chapter, chapter fifty fucking three, Yeah, fifty three
chapters and this fucking monstrosity, UM, very very unfortunate. So
(47:31):
it ends with the question can we just do some
like word searches just like yeah, I mean yeah, if
if you anyone has a word search thing. But like
the end of this it ends with um. So it
seems like what I'm gathering from last chapter is that
it wound up being that, like this Finn guy was
blew the whistle on a drug smuggling operation from some
(47:51):
gang called the Marauders. I don't know. There was apparently
an undercover d E agent that comes into this at
some point. So um, they solved the mystery and and
stopped the smuggling of a bunch of opiates into the country. Um,
and nobody finds out that Barack Obama or Joe Biden
were involved. At some point, Joe Biden destroys his knee,
because the last chapter opens with him talking about how
(48:12):
they had to reconstruct his his shattered knee, um and
gave him a prescription for ibuprofen since uh, um, you
know he can't take opiates at the end of this
because it seems like that's the thing they're fighting here. Um.
So this whole book is about a one point four
million dollar fentnel bust, which is like nothing, which is
(48:34):
like nothing. Would you even notice it if somebody if
there was, like, oh, there was a million dollar fitnel bust,
it's like fun funk that, Like nobody cares about a
million dollar fitnel bust. Like that's also not that much fentinyl.
I feel like, I don't know, it's it's not as
these days, but it just doesn't feel like a whole
lot if you've got this isn't much fentyl. Yeah, no
it's not. But I mean, I mean, I'm proud of
(48:55):
them regardless, but yeah, it's not it's not a lot.
That's not a lot of family. Yeah, that's not a
lot of final Um, Okay, so it's just back on
the amtrack. YadA, YadA, YadA. Barack had once told me
that at the end of the day, every one of
us is just part of a long running story. All
we can try to do is get our paragraph right.
Whether I would make another run at the highest office
(49:15):
in the land was still up in the air. I
learned long ago never to say never. Fate is a
strange way of intervening. All I knew for sure is
that I wasn't done writing my paragraph yet. That's great, Joe, uh, amazing. Okay, well,
this seems like a pretty lame book. I'm gonna be
(49:36):
honest with you, Daniel. That's okay. You know what we
we we we we learned a little bit about Mr Shaffer.
Oh also, I um, I took the liberty of going
to his bio on his website on Andrew Shaffer dot com.
Oh yeah, just to pull, just to pull a couple
quick quotes that he has listed here about his own work,
just just because, like, you know, my favorite one here,
(49:57):
and I think it kind of gives us a little
bit of a taste of the kind of author Mr
Shaffer is. If you haven't read his entire book. This
is from the Hollywood Reporter on his fifty Shames of
Earl Gray. Quote the literary equivalent of a good Saturday
Night Live skit. So that's that's that's good. So Entertainment
(50:21):
Weekly on how to Survive a Shark Nado says every
bit as amusing and straight faced as the film franchise
that sponded. Also very telling. And then and then of
course at the bottom Stephen Colbert just an American, which
you know he's clearly accepting the dig it himself and
being like ha ha oh wait, oh wait, I forgot
(50:42):
my favorite one, my favorite one, my favorite one. To
get you ready. Quote funny Everyone should follow this guy
on Twitter from Nicholas Sparks. That's one of his quotes.
Man funny guy on Twitter said, Nicholas Sparks fantastic. Oh
(51:04):
my god, Okay, well that's um just umm, can you
search how many times the word train is in the book? Um, yes,
I will, I will do that. I want to first though,
read so we have we have at the end here
we get like a real Roman, real emotional conversation between
Joe and Barack. And I'm guessing this is emotionally what
(51:25):
everything is building for well, actually, there's a lot interesting here,
I grinned. Barack was the most competitive person I've ever known.
It drove him up a wall when somebody suggested playing
a game just for fun. They're playing cards. If there
wasn't a clear winner and loser, he tended to lose interest.
He lived for elections. He withered an office. Um I
handed him the deck, you shuffle this time. The most
important people in my life have always been women, Barack said,
(51:47):
dealing the cards. My grandmother, my mother, Michelle, my daughter's
not saying I haven't had male friends, because I have
guys that played ball with guys they have beers with.
But with you, it's different. Once we figured each other out,
it was like our friendship was on autopilot. It was
so easy for so long that once we left office,
I didn't know what to do. I didn't know how
to just text another guy without inviting him over to
shoot hoops. I didn't know how to call you just
to talk, even though that's why I want. I wanted
(52:09):
what I wanted to do, I didn't know, and I'm sorry, Joe.
I looked at the cards he dealt me. It was
a crap hand I'm sorry too, I said, you didn't
do anything. Jealousy is an ugly sin. You're allowed to
have other friends. I drew a new card. As long
as I'm your best friend, aren't we too old to
have best friends? Maybe he was right, Maybe I was
being silly. I'm too old to be jumping out of airplanes.
(52:31):
I'm I guess they must have jumped out of an
airplane at some point in the book. I told him,
I think it'd be nice to just go golfing sometimes.
You said something just a minute ago. Barack remarked, you
called us brothers. Again. I didn't mean anything by it,
I said. Barack wasn't having a having any of it.
Don't be bashful, Joe. As far as I'm concerned, we
never stopped being brothers, he said, holding out a fist.
I punched him with too much forced but it was
(52:51):
the best fist bump we'd ever had. Watch the knuckles there, Joe,
he said, shaking out his hand. Wow, Barack Obama, watch
the knuckles there, Joe, Watch the knuckles. Oh no, this
gets very clearly sexual. Say I've got another light bulb
that needs to be changed in the upstairs bathroom. I'm
(53:12):
in no shape to stand on a chair right now,
and you're putting me to work, he asked. You're taller,
you've got longer arms. I'll do it, he said, rising
from the couch. Thanks, I said, bulbs on the counter.
Barack mounted the stairs. A few seconds later he called
out to me, Hey, Joe, Yeah, I shouted, Why does
your dartboard have Bradley Cooper's pictures on it? It's not important,
(53:33):
I said, not anymore. Goddamn it. That's weird. That's so weird.
In the in the beginning of the book, Joe Biden
was jealous that Bradley Cooper was hanging out with Barack
Obama and Barack wasn't calling him, so he was he
had like pictures of Bradley Cooper from a magazine that
he was throwing darts at because this book is profoundly
(53:55):
horny and strange. Uma. He had Jessina stars Born and
was like, I'm gonna add some Bradley Cooper to this.
For Sophie, there are one hundred and three matches for
the word train. This book is very trained focused. Okay,
what about railroad? Like, I'm just how many train train
(54:20):
adjacent words are there? Just twelve uses of the word railroad.
But let's see am track. Thirty five uses of am track,
so Jesus Christ and a lot of uses of amtrack Joe, um,
am track Joe. That's tight because again, all Andrew Shaeffer
knew about Biden is that he rode the train and
(54:41):
I presumably had a bad meat. How many times? How
many times is there verbiage like woman or she or
girl or lady or any of that nature. Well, this
is about the lust between two men, Sophie, So I
don't think we need to be getting you know, getting
the ladies involved only five uses of the word women. Um.
(55:02):
Jill Biden to be an after effect, who is willing
to let her husband one use of the word lady.
I think Jill in this is pretty understanding of the
fact that her husband just needs to fly free. And
Barack Obama is Michelle mentioned eleven times? Wow, this isn't
(55:23):
this is about the manly love. You're totally You're totally right.
It's also about trains. It's about the mainly love between
a president and his vice president and also trains. I mean,
you know, can you make that strain sound effect? Again? Donald,
that was my favorite part of the episode. Thanks. Mm hmmm,
(55:46):
I missed those things. I'm just gonna throw that out there.
I want a wood block train thing. I missed those.
I have to go down to my local railroad and
tell them that I am a small child, and they
shall say, but sir, you have of a beard and
are of height. I say, but I am still a
small child. Give me a who who machine and they'll say,
(56:06):
we don't know what that is? Can I order one
on the internet? Robert, where do I? Where do I
get a train? Okay, let's see here, wooden train, not
set whistle boom? Well, oh baby, I can get them
on discount mugs dot com. There you go. Well, I
am returning this book because it's horrible. Yeah, I get that,
(56:28):
sh out of here quality issues as the reason. Um, yes, so, Danial.
I don't know that we learned much today. I don't learn. No,
we didn't. We didn't. But we read pieces of a really,
really shamefully bad book. And that's as good as learning something.
(56:50):
I think I think we we we learned a thing
or two. We learned that Andrew Schaeffer is as funny
as a good snl skit. Yeah, which is by the
way just for references. No goodl is so bad as
to be completely unwatchable um and and toxic to the
human soul. Um good snls gets died out years ago. Daniel,
(57:14):
is there anything that you would like to plug plug
plug plug? Um? Sure, yeah, I um. I mean you
can follow me on Twitter at DJ Underscore Daniel d
a n L. I stream on Twitch at the same thing,
twitch dot tv slash DJ Underscore d a n L.
Work on a bunch of shows. I work on one
show with these two lovely people called Worst Year Ever.
Please downloaded and listen right here on the I Heart
(57:36):
Radio network. I work on Fake Doctors, Real Friends, which
is the scrubs rewatch podcast was Zach Graph and Donald Phazon.
Listen to it. It's a lot of fun and very funny,
and sometimes I get to speak on that and talk
about video games. Work on the Daily Zike Guys. Listen
to The Daily Zy Guys, the Daily News show here
on this very network. And I work on All's Fair,
a podcast about the evolution of disillusion starring Laura Wasser
and produced by Johnny Rereens and Robert Sophie. Thank you
(57:59):
both so much for having me. Robert and I'm to
see you're well. I love you both. Thank you you're
helping me. Ear fuck this book about Barack Obama and
Joe Biden's lust and also lust for trains. This book
is baffling to me, like it's it is pretty bad.
(58:20):
I mean, it's I just I just can't believe that
the person who wrote it was over the age of sixteen.
But I mean, that's how it goes. That's how it goes.
That's just the way it goes. Some things will never
change that Barack Obama getting fucked by each other. I
guess you didn't get that reference that I just did. Um.
(58:42):
You can follow Robert and I write Okay on Twitter.
You can follow this podcast on Twitter and watches live streams.
The work he's doing is really important and terrifying. Um,
that's attention. What's happening in Portland's it's fine times what
it's not? Sometimes federal agent shoot people. That's no train mystery.
Come on, guys, focus on what's your pseudo mom. It's
(59:05):
terrifying to watch you get hurt and not drinking of
black You can follow this podcast at Bastard's Pot on Twitter, Instagram.
We have a chief public store with really cool merch
and um, that's the way it goes. That's the cookie
and it's crumbled. That's the way the raytheon knife missile
strikes a vehicle driven by a suspected insurgent leader. Hell
(59:29):
yeah yeah, well bye bye bye m
M rectal polyps. Uh oh wait, nope, that's um, that's
not an introduction to a podcast. Um. I guess there's
no going back now. So that's the that's we've started
the podcast. This is behind the bastard, Robert, this is happening. Yeah,
this is happening. Um, Daniel, what do you what do
(00:20):
you think about recto polyps? However? How was you? How
how's your how's your how's your feelings on? How's my
feeling on that? I mean they I hope you can
get them treated, or I hope one could get them,
you know, treated, So you'd say you're broadly That sounds
like you're saying you're broadly anti recteal polyp. If you
think they need to be treated, I'm you know, I'm empty.
(00:43):
If it's causing your discomfort, let me tell you something.
Some people have friends, you know what I mean, Like,
you know, I have this, you know, weird tumor on
my right arm that's about the size of a bowling ball.
But that's just Jim and Jim and I are chilling,
and some people are like, you should see a doctor,
but like that's Jim. So if your rectel polyps are
part of your you know, your life. If it's just
(01:04):
you know, your buddies, if that's you know, Samantha and
John and whomever, then that's fine. That's why I feel
about rectel polyps that's good, so, Daniel, you know, that
really shows the difference between a normal person in rmy
as we call you, um and and a journalist like myself,
because as a as a responsible journalist, I have no
(01:26):
opinion on rectel polyps um, you know, just like I
have no opinion on cancer. It's my job to just say,
here are things that exist. Yeah, very good, Robert, very good,
you know. And that's the kind of journalism that we
need in the world right now. Not all of this bias,
(01:47):
not all of this you know so and so is evil,
so and so, none of that. We need the people
who are willing to say, hey, I have no opinion
on cancer. That's bold, Robert, and I appreciate you well. Daniel.
I appreciate you too, And as a result of my
appreciation for you, I would like to read a book
with you today over the internet. Do you like books, Danial,
(02:10):
Are you literate? Can you legally read? I am I'm literate.
Do you have your reading license? Yes, I can totally read.
Oh that's good, that's good. But like if I told
you I liked books, I feel like that would be
more or less not not fabrication, but just like over
statement of the truth I read. I can read. But
like last time I read a full book was a
(02:30):
few years ago. I need to change that. We'll change
that today. Also, this is Behind the Bastards. Did I
say that yet? Did I announced the podcast that this
is no? I just said record and this is behind
the Bastards the bastards. It's a show where we normally
talk about the worst people in all of the street.
I liked daniels intro better. I'm really sorry, thank you. Well, look,
(02:50):
this is a ship show. Simply, this is a ship show.
There's no getting around it. We are we are normally
a show that that gives very deeply researched episodes about
the worst people in all of history. But we're scrambling
for content at the moment because I have made a
mild career change in which I get repeatedly shot at
by federal agents almost every night, and so I need
(03:12):
I need some I need some buffer episodes and live
stream and cry. Yeah, it's a good time. It's a
good time, terrible time. You don't enough water, I know it,
and I drink a lot of water. You put it
in your eyeballs. That's different. We've had this conversation. The
eyes are the mouth of the top of the head, Sophie.
(03:32):
Everyone knows that. So in order to in order to
I can't even I can't even like there's a god you.
I realized the other night that like my team and
I have been going out and one of us since
(03:54):
the beginning of this, just through pure happenstance, is a
teenager UM and uh, we didn't like think to get
his um his contact info for like his people until
like night, like, oh yeah, that's probably something you should do,
whether or not, like they're they're a legal adult, like
you should probably have contacted anyway. It's been quite an uprising, UM.
(04:19):
But all right, enough uprising talk. So we're going to UM,
we're gonna we're gonna read a book today, Daniel, UM,
let's do it. And the book that I've picked, you know,
the book that Cody and Katie and I are reading,
um piece by piece making our way through is has
been Shapiro's True Allegiance, which is just one of the
worst things ever written. Um. And obviously that's sort of
(04:39):
a right wing fantasy of societal collapse, written by an
incompetent grifter. And I wanted I wanted to do some balance, right,
you know that as a journalist, I'm all about balance.
So I wanted to find something utterly shameful and left wing. Um.
And the thing that I've chosen, and we'll see if
this winds up being a good choice or a bad
choice is Hope Never Dies, the first Obama Biden mystery
(05:03):
novel by Andrew Shamer. Yeah, yeah, it's it's a New
York Times bestseller apparently, which is that's a real problem. Um.
And the the the quote that is up on the
Amazon page for the for the review of this book
by Alexander Alter of The New York Times is quote
(05:25):
Hope Never Dies as an escapist fantasy that will likely
appeal to liberals pining for the previous administration, longing for
the Obama Biden team to emerge from political retirement as
action heroes. Which is the saddest thing I can imagine
someone wanting, like in this like looking out at this world.
Have you seen Joe Biden's promo videos that that's the
(05:49):
description of them. Yeah, no, it is. It's him and
Obama just like yeah, bro, like remember the good old days.
This guy. It's the kind of thing where it's like
I can't imagine I can't get into the head of
someone who looks at where we are right now with
(06:10):
um all of the horrific violence, particularly against people of color,
you know, carried out by police, Uh, the increasing occupation
of liberal cities by federal agents. UM. The UH horrific
virus tearing through our communities and upending life as we
know at, the complete economic collapse, UM, the children in
(06:30):
cages on the border, UM. All of the horrible things
that this administration has done. And you realize and and
I can't imagine seeing that and going you know, the
guys who for who's eight years in power immediately proceeded
and directly led to this nightmare and enabled it in
a variety of ways. What if we went back to that,
like it's just it's it's baffling to me. Yeah, I mean,
(06:54):
you know, the grass is always greener, yeah, etcetera, etcetera.
Were re human nizing George Bush, like it's all look,
everybody is all hands off when it comes to the
good old days, everybody's drunk on member berries, and you
know that's how it goes, drunk on member berries. Yeah.
So I'm gonna read you the summary of this book
(07:15):
from Amazon before we get into the three d and
five pages of gut churning content. Vice President Joe Biden
and President Barack Obama team up in this high stakes
thriller that combines a mystery worth of Watson and worthy
of Watson and Holmes with a laugh out loud romantic
chemistry of lethal weapons Myrtle and rigs. You just did
your breath voice? I just I feel ill when they
(07:40):
compare it to lethal weapon for a variety of reasons.
Oh lord. Vice President Joe Biden is fresh out of
the Obama White House and feeling adrift when his favorite
railroad conductor dies in a suspicious accident. His favorite railroad conductor.
This is good, right that that's pretty funny. Actually, Um,
(08:07):
so they're really making the center of this the fact
that Joe Biden wrote an amtrack for quite a while. Um,
that's a that's a choice. Uh yeah, Okay, So apparently
they uncover the sinister forces advancing America's opioid epidemic. What
could those forces be but but perdue pharmaceutical Like, it's
(08:28):
not a mystery. Yeah, it's easy. We know who it is.
I may have the answer for you guys. Yeah. I
love it. I love It's my god. Wow. Okay, um
(08:53):
um yeah, So alright, I guess we should just we
should just get into the us. Um. Yeah, let's let's
let's dive in to the start of this beautiful book.
So the cover of this is like Joe Biden and
Barack Obama and Joe Biden's mustang, Joe's behind the wheel,
(09:16):
and Barack Obama is standing very awkwardly in the mustang
pointing forward. There's something about their face that's that's just
off enough to be deeply unsettling to me. I recommend
looking it up, because like they're just not quite right. Uh.
Biden looks like he's melting a little bit, and Barack
Obama looks like they took ten years off the top
of his head but left the bottom of his head unchanged.
(09:37):
It's very unsettling. So let's let's get into Andrew Schaefer's book.
First off, it's dedicated for Uncle Joe, So that's that's
good Uncle Joe, Uncle Joe, who sniffs your hair? The
opening quote that, um, that that sets this up is
it is better to light a candle than to curse
the darkness by W. L. Watkinson, which is like, I
(09:59):
guess Andrews saying like I'm lighting a candle for the
besieged American people by writing a mystery novel about a
fake relationship between the president and vice president. Thank you
for this candle, Andrew, this is what American needed. Oh
and then the acknowledgements after that quote he is thanks Obama,
(10:24):
so almost the sarcastically toned thanks Obama. Yeah, yeah, that's
that's how I usually mean it. Yeah, oh lordie, Okay, alright,
chapter there are fifty three chapters in this mother, Um,
we better get started. That's not good. Um. So I
(10:44):
think chapter one starts in in Joe Biden's voice. Um,
the night this all started, I was in a black
Irish mood. And that was before I learned my friend
was dead. I was sitting at my computer, and I
think we know that Joe Biden cannot use a computer.
If anything has been made clear, no way that man
(11:05):
cannot google. He is not doing his Google's himself. Yeah, no, sir,
but he's he's he's he's sitting at his computer, um
watching one of those so called paparazzi videos, which is
apparently a wide shot of Cape Town's tabled table mountain
and a pair of sailor uh sailing along? Um oh
(11:28):
okay Uh, he's watching a video of Barack Obama para sailing.
I guess um. Yeah, unencumbered by his deadweight loser Vice
President forty four was on the vacation to end all vacations,
wind surfing on Richard Branson's private eye. Oh, I remember
this when when Barack Obama went on vacation um while
the fascists moved into the White House, and that was good.
(11:50):
Um kayaking with Justin Trudeau, bass jumping in Hong Kong
with Bradley Cooper. Barack wasn't simply tempting the fates. He
was daring them. And why not if he could survive
eight long years is the first black US president. He
could survive anything. Not that I was worried about him.
I was done getting all worked up over Barack Obama.
Is he piste off? I think he's he's kind of
he's kind of angry at Barack. At the start of this,
(12:11):
I was gonna say, he's definitely like a Joe. Maybe
he's like, you know, Joe didn't get enough shine. Yeah,
he kept him in the dark man, like he's bumped.
I thought this relationship was about more than just being
the president and Vice president wild so I forced myself
to look away from the computer. I turned to face
the dartboard in the back of my office. It was
an old Christmas gift from my daughter. I kept it
(12:33):
in storage for many years, but now I finally had
some free time on my hands. Maybe too much, Yeah,
like you were getting up to a lot of work
as the vice president, Joe. Come on, man, maybe too
much free time? One call, I said to my faithful companion, Champ,
Is that too much to ask? The dog glanced up
with indifference. He'd heard it all before, just so he
This is Joe Biden sitting alone in his room, drinking,
(12:56):
watching videos of Barack Obama on vacation and becoming in
You seeingly better that he was not invited to go
party with the former president, poor j Yeah, just like
staring out the window like that that Mastering Commander gift.
When Russell Crowe is just like looking out the window
and the rains just like yes. Yeah. He throws a
(13:18):
dart at a magazine with Bradley Cooper and Barack Obama
on the front and hits Bradley Cooper right between the eyes.
So he is Joe's in a dark place when this starts,
and a dartsman. Apparently this is interesting. Barack even had
the goal to tell People magazine that we still went
golfing together on occasion. To save face, I repeated the lie.
The truth was there hadn't been any golf outings, no
(13:40):
late night texting, not even a friendly poke on Facebook.
I watched the skuys for smoke signals. I read the
New York Times, dissecting headlines looking for clues he might
have left me nothing. Sometimes, late at night, after Jill
was sound asleep, I scrolled for the old text messages
Barack and I had exchanged a lifetime. What is happening?
Oh my god, this is so weird. Yeah, this is unsettling.
(14:03):
Um so yeah, Jill was like a like a spurned X.
At the start of this sounds like so he here's
a prowler outside, uh, and he opens up his wall safe.
There were two things inside my Medal of Freedom and
my sig Sour pistol. The beam shooter was a gift
ted Bot for myself. Sections aren't your shotguns enough? She'd asked,
(14:26):
what on earth can you need a handgun for? For
times like this? Jill, get some Jill Biden shap here.
So he slips the pistol into the waistband of his shirt.
Where's your secret service to tail, Joe? I'm gonna guess
we're in a non secret service existing um world with this.
If Joe Biden has taken care of his own security
(14:46):
with a Sig Sour shoved into his pants. Bro, I
literally I want to win the lottery simply to pay
Joe Biden to act out the first age or the
first ten pair, whatever you have just read. I want
to pay him enough money to actually act this out
and get Joe Biden in it. Yeah. I have a
(15:08):
feeling that come November he'll have a lot of free time,
so you might be able to may be able to
make that happen. Yes, I mean, Bro, we're making it happen.
That we're making it happen. I'm I'm I've also planned
to win the lottery around then, so that's a good plan.
This is a good time to suddenly get millions of dollars, right. Yeah,
So Joe goes out into the streets to um, uh
(15:30):
see who's here. He smells Marlborough reds. Um, she's oh, good,
Lord in heaven. So he goes out to like check
who's going around and he as he's like searching around,
he smells Marborough reds and he thinks, don't get your
hopes up, hope, it's just a four letter word. Um. Well,
they're really making him sound like a spurned lover. Um,
(15:51):
I'm guessing that it's Barack Obama sneaking around the outside
of his house. This has to end in sweaty sex
or this book is for nothing thing. Yeah, that's all
I'm saying. My own security detail had been dismissed. Several
weeks earlier. Vice presidents were granted six months of protection
following their time in office, and not a day more
unless they were extenuating circuit. I don't think that's true.
(16:12):
I don't think that's true at all. Are you telling
me Dick Chady doesn't still have secret service cards? Like
that doesn't seem Probably does. Yeah, I don't know. Um,
maybe I'm wrong about That doesn't seem right to me.
Oh no, there they were, Uh what, his secret service
has been dismissed. But then immediately afterwards he like nods
to his secret service guys. I don't know. I guess
(16:32):
this is just a bad book. But they are here.
So he goes off into the woods, and the smell
of burning tobacco gets stronger. I guess he's being led
like a siren into the arms of Barack Obama, who's
hiding in the woods outside of his former vice president's house. Yeah.
I swiveled around there to my left by the big
oak tin paces away a man crouched low, scratching champ
(16:53):
behind his dog behind the ears. German shepherds don't take
this to strangers, but this man was no stranger. He
rose to his feet, a slim figure are in his
black hand tailored suit. His white dress shirt was unbuttoned
at the neck. He took a long drag off his cigarette,
exhaled smoke with leisure. Barack Obama was never in a hurry.
There we go, there we go. Never in a hurry.
(17:17):
Uh yeah, so um that's interesting. Um yeah. So they
meet and they have a little conversation that I'm sure
is meant to be very satisfying to a certain type
of liberal, where they talk about Barack Obama's time parassailing
and how there's a moment where if Joe's like I
(17:38):
thought you quit smoking, he took another long drag off
his cigarette I did, which is like, I guess would
work more if there was like, you know, if they
were actually hard boiled cops or something, right, Like, that's
a moment that would work. But it's like the multi
millionaire former president who lives in a gigantic mansion and
was just parasailing with celebrities and whose job is over
and who doesn't actually have to do anything ever again.
(18:00):
But anyway, I don't know is do you know? But
by the way, it's sorry to interrupt again, do you
know how old this author is, like when they wrote
this book, how old they were, I don't know. I
don't know. I want to look up Andrew Schaefer a
thing that a real journalist would have done immediately. Is
it sixteen? Uh? It might be sixteen. Andrew Schaefer is
an America. Okay, let's here's his Wikipedia. It's born in
(18:21):
Cedar Rapids, Iowa. Under the pen name Fannie Merkin. He
authored the fifty Shades of Grey parody fifty Shames of
Earl Gray? What the fuck? I want to hit this
man already? Of Earl Yeah, he wrote a fifty Shades
of Gray parodies. So this guy is I mean, clearly
(18:44):
like someone who looks out for an opportunity to write, uh,
to shift out a novel quickly that will cash in
on a grift. A fourteen years old you know. Uh
doesn't say that's a great question. There's a lot of
There's a lot of questions. So okay, let's look. I'm
just just looking at this guy's Wikipedia. His other books
(19:05):
include Great Philosophers Who Failed a Love Literary Rogues of
Scandalous History of Wayward Authors. H And he's the founder
and creative director of Order of St. Nick, a greeting
card company. Oh he lives in fucking Portland, Oregon. What fun?
I can't actually beat the ship out of this guy. Um,
all right, okay, I I may I may have to
do that as a journalist. Uh. So he's a columnist
(19:28):
for the Huffington Post. And can I interview you you
know fists? Yeah? Yeah, So he's got a greeting card company,
that's been on The Colbert Report and NPR and Fox News.
He also wrote a book about Shark Nado. So he's
he's really like, yes, seems like one of these guys
(19:48):
who just kind of waits for something he can write
a terrible book about. Can I just say, haven't seen
what he looks like? Not fuckable? Not fuckable? All right,
Andrew Shaffer. I might run into him at the protests, Uh,
in which case I will let him know that he's unfusckable. Um,
I'll make sure to do that, Sophie. Uh. He also
wrote The Day of the Donald, subtitled Trump Trump's America,
(20:10):
a satirical work of fiction. Um. The book imagines Donald
Trump winning the Oh no, I think he wrote this before.
Wait when did this get published? Yeah? It was published June.
So in June he wrote a satirical book imagining Donald
Trump winning the election to become president. No, yeah, no,
(20:35):
what is happening? Okay? So the book focuses on protagonist
Jimmy burn Would, a down on his luck former tabloid reporter,
and his attempts to ghostwrite President Trump's memoire, and his
investigation into a murder. Why are these all murder mysteries
like what is what is going on with Andrew Schaeffer.
I don't like this person. I think I know what's
going on. Was that I said? And Sophie, you were
(20:57):
right by the way, extremely unfusable, are you? I haven't,
I don't. I don't want to see the face of
this You know who? You know who is? Sponsors. Our
sponsors are incredibly fuckable, the most fuckable sponsors in podcasting.
(21:19):
We're back, and we're just thinking about the thrusting, girdlesome
might of our sponsors. Um. And we're also thinking about
Andrew Schaefer, who it seems like his whole life is
about kind of just keeping an eye out for something
to be real viral and then shooting out a very
quickly written book to cash in on uh it um
(21:39):
and generally doing it from kind of a milk toast
liberal perspective. UM. So that that seems like this guy's
whole life and career, which is good, I guess, a
good thing to do, you know what, Yeah, go off, Yeah,
So here we go. We're back. Joe, Biden and Barack
are meeting up again for the first time in a
(22:00):
in a long time, and um, he's Barack Obama, the
former president, without his Secret Service detail inte, infiltrates Joe
Biden's home, I guess his compound, uh, to tell him
that an amtrack conductor, Finn Donnally, that that Joe Biden
(22:21):
knew um is, has been hit by a train and killed.
That's Barack Obama's business at the Biden household. Okay, yeah.
Also Biden immediately recognizes the name of this conductor because
he's the finest one I know. Um. So that's interesting,
the finest one, the finest, only the finest conductors. Yeah. Yeah,
(22:44):
someone has killed the very best amtrack conductor um which
is which is a shame. So Barack Obama felt like
this was important enough. Uh, I had a hunch you
know him, you knew him. I wanted to tell you
myself before you heard from somewhere else. So Brock didn't
even know that Joe knew this guy. He just heard
(23:05):
an amtrack conductor died, and he was like, I have
to infiltrate, break into Joe Biden's property to let him
know in the off chance that he knew this guy
as well, And of course he did, Yeah, of course
he did, of course. So that's fun. Um. So they
go on talking about how this amtrack conductor died YadA, YadA, YadA.
(23:26):
There they also have a heartfelt conversation it seems like
about the fact that Barack Obama hasn't called Joe in
a while. Um, really making Joe out to be kind
of a spurned lover in this, which I guess is
an editorial choice. Like I'll say this for the book. Um,
it's better written than Ben Shapiro's True Allegiance, Like it's
it's a it's a functionally written novel, like Andrew Schaefer
(23:50):
knows how to write in the same way that like,
you know, somebody can know how to drive. Uh, he
doesn't crash the car, right, Sure, that's that's the thing
I'll say for Andrew Shaefer. Um. Yeah, some baffling choices.
So uh. The they finished their conversation and Barack Obama
(24:13):
like disappears into the shadows like Batman. So I think
we're making Barack out to be basically Batman here, um,
which is again really a fascinating series of choices. And
I think it might just be that Andrew Shaffer doesn't
really know how to write anything besides mystery novels, and
so that's just kind of kind of what he goes for. Um. Alright,
so our next chapter, it's it's good God, there's a
(24:37):
lot of this. He might also know how to write
romance novels. So I'm gonna read you the start of
chapter three. Here you come to bed last night, Jill said.
I stumbled into the kitchen around half past nine, weary
from a night of bad sleep. My mind had been
on fire with questions about Finn Donnelly. Every time I
finally started drift off, some little noise outside would startle
me awake. Several times I wondered if I hadn't dreamed
(24:58):
my entire counter with Barack Obama, the lingering scent of
tobacco in my hair set otherwise, Oh my gosh, the
horny levels are off the charts. This is a very
horny novel between the vice horn. I maintain, if this
isn't ending in hot, sweaty sex, it is for nothing. Yeah.
(25:19):
I don't. I don't know that that Andrew Schaeffer realizes
how horny he's being. Um, I mean, yeah, it is satire,
but his his history of novels makes me think that
he has never for a second understood what satire is. Um,
it's also impossible to do post so I don't know. Um,
(25:43):
I shouldn't be too hard out him. I guess. Uh.
Joe Biden goes from like noticing that her husband is
having an affair with the former president to asking if
he's thought more about getting a c PAT machine, and
then we have a couple of paragraphs about Joe Biden's
sleep Appne, why why are you putting this in? Great?
I mean great, get after it. That's that's very funny. Yes,
(26:07):
So Joe Joe reads that the the amtrack conductor. This
is a really big story. I guess that an amtrack
conductor has been killed. It's all over the news now,
and it's all that Joe Biden can think about. As
again a fascist takes over, uh, the instruments of state.
It's weird also that they're making the focus of this
(26:27):
novel the murder of an amtrack conductor. And I guess
it's where it's like, I mean, if you're gonna go
with this premise, there's other things happening right Like, to
be honest with you, this feels like the kind of
thing where like he wrote it because he knew that
Joe Biden, after hearing an Amtrak conductor was murdered, would
(26:50):
say something to be like, well, such a noble profession,
we can't let our amtrack drivers be murdered, and he
would read that book from cover to cover. Yeah, I
think he might. That's what I'm thinking. It's weird because
it's it's clearly like I don't understand seeing this as
a fantasy, right, Like I don't understand who who could
(27:13):
like get into this book and be comforted by Like, ah, yes,
I remember when Barack Obama and Joe Biden were presidents,
were in charge, and I enjoy imagining that they had
a weird quasi sexual relationship and solved murder mysteries when
ann Trap conductors were killed. Like I can't get my
head into that person's that person's brain. I don't know. Yeah,
(27:35):
but you know what, I'm here for the ride. Let
me tell you what. I'm not really here for the ride, Daniel, um, like,
it's it's not for me per se, But I mean,
I'm I'm hoping. I'm here for the ride is one
of the closing lines of the book, as so Daniel
just wants the book to become wild. Look I'm just saying.
(27:57):
I'm just saying. If you want to get a ribbing
novel here between these two, they better be fucking That's
where I'm at, all right, Daniel T Wait are are you?
Are you team Edwards, a team writer, Team Jacob. I
have no opinion. I have no opinion. That none, none.
I'm team I don't need to bring that. Biden Obama,
(28:20):
Biden Obama. You know I'm here for the ride. Are
you team dry scabs or wet scabs? We're all team
wet scalps. H fucking Biden meets up with his contact
in the police department, who tells him that they found
(28:40):
heroin in the pockets of the am track conductor and Joe.
Biden is incensed by this because he knows he knows
this am track conductor, and he knows that this am
track conductor is a teetotal er. Uh, same as me.
Something wasn't right. Martin Luther King Jr. Said the moral
luck of the universe was long and bent towards the
sides of justice. By the time the Verse got to
(29:00):
writing the wrongs in Wilmington's, however, I feared that it
would be too late, not just to forfin or the city,
but for us all, like, what the how is? How is?
How would this ever be your priority? Joe? I don't know.
So this is like the most important thing in the
world to Joe Biden right now, and it's like it
is apparently it's it's a it's very much kind of
in line with the specific type of of kind of
(29:23):
liberal person that they when they imagine a thing for
their fantasy Joe Biden and Barack Obama to solve, Like,
they don't even consider going into the very real problems
that are happening as a result of these fascists kind
of taking over office. They don't they don't deal with
any of like these actual massive issues. Um. They decide like, okay, well,
(29:44):
let's make up the murder of an amtrack conductor and
awkwardly tie it to opiates m boom like that that
like and and and let's frame it as if it's
like a massive issue of national importance, um, even though
it's definitely not again, definitely not. There's kids in cages, um,
But okay, we'll worry about the am track conductor exactly. Truly. Yeah,
(30:09):
So the next chapter is Joe meeting Finn's wife, who's
got a stroke, had who has a stroke and is disabled. Um,
he really knows a lot about this am track conductor.
Joe clearly spent an enormous amount of time talking to
the conductor of his am track trade that's really funny. Yeah,
I love I love that world. Joe's just down to
(30:30):
the train station with his little hat on, blowing that
little wooden whistle. Like you guys heard this one, Joe,
you heard that one a million times. You heard this one.
Here Joe down at the station and might be the
most precious human. Okay, alright, can you make the trade
(30:55):
ways again? So Joe goes to this guy's funeral and
after six God, I this is my favorite book ever. Yeah,
he goes to the Amtrak dude's funeral. Um, he takes
a seat in the back row because this isn't about
Vice President Joe Biden. It's about five Um the dead
man's Yeah, all right, great, uh God, just a big
(31:21):
lot of time spent discussing the funeral of this amtrack
conductor is Obama like a football field away, smoking a cigarette,
leaning on a tree, dressed for the funeral but wearing sunglasses,
leaning on it. And then Joe Biden comes up later
and it's like, what are you doing here? Yeah, some
along those lines. I don't know. I haven't seen Obama yet,
(31:44):
Like he hasn't come back into the story. How is
he not there a football field away, leaning on a tree,
dressed for the funeral, smoking a cigarette. There's a lot
of Joe Biden and other political figures talking to the
family members of this deceased AM Track conduct. They're really
they're really leaning a heart on a dead AM track
conductor as the chief. Yeah, that's an interesting authorial choice
(32:09):
by Andrew Shaver. Here. Um, good lord, Okay, yep, Joe
Biden next chapter, he's just doing more. This is just
really a detective novel. Um, this is just a detective
novel with a weird erotic relationship between Barack Obama and
Joe Biden. Um that seems to be barely getting any
(32:30):
play at this point, to be honest, Um, that's unsettling.
Uh so Uh, Joe Biden winds up out in the
streets like like doing some gumshoe. Uh detective ng trying
to like figure out this murder. I crouched low and
ducked back through the hole in the fence. Bracing for
(32:51):
the back strain again. Instead, there was a sharp pop
in my lefty. So we're doing a lot of Joe
Biden is also an old man. My leg buckled out
come under me, and I went down hard, landing on
my side. The train zipped past with a high pitched wine.
The ground rumbled for two seconds, jostling every molecule in
my body, right down to the silver fillings and my molars,
and then all was still again. I rolled onto my
(33:11):
back and clutched my knee. In high school, I had
been a standout football player. I didn't have the arm
strength to be quarterback or the long fingers to be
a wide receiver, but I had the getaway sticks. I
could tuck the ball and run. Senior year, I was
the leading scorer. Senior year, I had also banged up
my left knee. Since then, it had been known to
act up on occasion, and I'd always been able to
grip my teeth and bear it. This was the first
time it had completely given up on me. If you
(33:32):
can't trust your own body, who can you trust. I
didn't know what I was doing down here, crawling around
the crime scene. As head of the executive branch Barrock
held the top law enforcement position in the country. I've
been as right hand man. That didn't amount to a
hill of beans when it came to actual police work.
Was like Santa Claus. It was like asking Santa Claus
to make you a toy train. It was a job
best suited for his else the fat man in the
(33:53):
red suit didn't know the first thing about standing down
wooden toys for good little girls and boys. I had
no business here. That's a weird set of thoughts to
what is how is that all happening? And it's it's
like yes, this, It is like yes, Andrew Shaffer. The
central conceit of your knowledge that Joe Biden and Barack
Obama are solving the mystery of a murder of a
train conductor is pretty absurd on its face. Okay, what
(34:17):
would Barack say if he saw me out here rolling
around like a turtle on my back. We hadn't talked
since his visit two nights ago. As far as I
was concerned, nothing between us had changed. Yes, he'd kept
his word and put the scare into the police department,
the lurid details as they were ahead, and hit the
papers for that. I was grateful, but there was still
too much unspoken between us. I wasn't about to send
another errant text through the airwaves and see if I'd
(34:38):
get a response. I was through being made to be
the fool. This is so far my favorite part of
the novel, Like the the clearly jilted lover uh plotline
going on here, Like the fact that Joe is deeply
incensed that Barack Obama doesn't call, which is probably true
about the real Barack Obama and Joe Biden because it
took probably Barack a long time to to say that
(34:59):
people should vote Joe. I mean, you know, an appropriately
long time. The burning gonna pull it out amount of time.
Oh boy, Next chapter. Wilmington's station's official name is the
Joseph R. Biden Junior Railroad Station, although nobody used it.
Everyone trains. There's so much. Yeah, this is all about
(35:21):
train so far. Every chapter is deeply train focused. It's
like three things about Joe Biden, that's it. And one
of them is trains, and the second thing is also trains,
and the third thing is rock. Yeah. I think he
scanned Joe Biden's Wikipedia page and he was like, Okay,
he read the he wrote the amtrack a lot. Let's
(35:43):
make this entire book focused on the Amtrak trains. Trains, Baby,
oh boy. We do get a little bit of a
talk about um An Aquatics Center, which is interesting given
the the what is his name Jesus a million years
ago when Joe Biden told the story about the black
(36:04):
man he got into a fight with at the swimming coop.
Corn Pop? God, Remember corn pop? Remember when that happened?
I love I love being able to think about corn
pop without having to think about literally everything else at
the same time. Yeah, remember a thousand years ago when
corn the before times? Yeah, in the before times and
(36:27):
the long long ago and the long long ago. There
we go. The thing is it was in the only
place in town bearing my name. The city also renamed
a public pool after me, the Joseph ar Biden, Jr.
Aquatic Center, down at the corner of East twenty three
North Locust. It's a pretty poor neighborhood. I had worked
as a lifeguard at the pool while putting myself through college.
The other lifeguards would ask me questions about race relations
(36:50):
because I was the only white guy many of them knew.
We learned a lot from one another. One black lifeguard
asked if I had gas, a gasoline can he could borrow.
He wanted to see his grand mom in North Carolina.
We can't stop at most gas stations down there, he'd said. Wow, Yeah,
the pool was where my commitment to civil rights began.
Oh boy, I would have felt better if they'd renamed
(37:12):
the pool after Martin Luther King Jr. Or a local
black politician. But the neighborhood appreciated that I'd never turned
my back on them. I'd never turned my back on anyone.
It just wasn't something a Biden did. Yeah. I can
imagine all those black lifeguards asking young Joe Biden about
race relations. That that's to That sounds like a thing
(37:32):
that occurred. Classic Joe. Yeah, he knows it all. Yeah,
he is the streets. You know the streets. Yeah, that's
what I'm getting from this book. Well, he's the streets
if they were around a train station. Correct, Because Joe
Biden is mentally incapable of thinking about anything that is
into train station or his unrequited lust for Barack Obama
(37:56):
shipping processing. Yah love it, Oh good god, love it.
Um boy, howdy, we we still aren't getting back into
Barack Obama being Oh no, here we go. Okay. The
end of this chapter we get back to Barack Obama.
Uh so, Joe Biden, after doing some more gum shoeing,
calls an Uber and a black Cadillac Escalade pulls up
(38:18):
to pick him up. And oh god, okay, a black
Cadillac Escalade pulled up to the curb in front of me.
The truck sized suv sat there idling. Was my ride?
Early If there was an Uber sign on the dash,
I had no way of knowing. I couldn't see anything
through the heavily tinted windows. Suppose this wasn't my ride.
Suppose it was some enemy of the state, some deranged
lunatic fixated on a former vice president. Suppose Finn wasn't
(38:39):
the one who left the print out of my address
behind on the train. My heart rate began to ratch
it up. I had no Secret Service protection anymore, no
private security. I didn't even have my pistol, because who
brings a gun to a funeral. The vehicle just sat there,
towering over me. There was nothing stopping a passenger from
rolling down one of the windows and poking me full
of holes. Was a sitting duck with no wings to
carry me away. I inhaled arple and squeezed the bouquet.
(39:01):
Tight water dripped out of the bottom onto the cement.
The tinted black window lowered. Need a lift. Barack Obama asked,
ba ba ba ba ba bading. Wow, yeah, oh boy,
the next chapter. Now the escalators into traffic. I stared
(39:21):
at the flowers in my hand, which I think we're
for Jill. They looked like regular white flowers. They had
some red roses, but they were three times the price.
Barack made a little finger gun and pointed it at me.
That's why they're more romantic. I sighed. Barack was right.
He was always right anyway. I was headed home. He
was always right. Oh god, anyway, Joe says. I was
headed home, and he patted me on my knee. The
(39:44):
good one, we'll drop you off, he said, the good one,
the good one. I love it. I love it. I'm
just I'm so I'm elated right now. This is this
is good. Um, this is great. Top shelf, top top shelf.
I want this to be optioned into a movie, into
(40:09):
into an erotic thriller. Yes, someone paid them enough money
that they want to do this. And then we'll and
then we'll advertise that movie on our show, like we
advertise the sponsors that. Robert's about to shout out right
now because I guess what an ad break. Yes, you
know what, we'll fuck Barack Obama. You know what? Sexually?
(40:36):
What is product? Wow? We're back, um and boy howdy.
We are just powerfully aroused at the pulsating escalations of
romantic tension between Barack Obama and Joseph Robinette Biden Um,
(41:00):
which I, for one, don't find shameful and awkward at all. Uh,
Jesus Christ. I leaned back in the seat. Barack stared
at me for a bit. You look like you've been
playing football, he said. My shoes were shined, but the
rest of my suit was filthy at tripped. It's nothing, really,
m Barack said. The President was always saying stuff like
that to me and her occasionally her Um. Even after
(41:25):
working together for eight years, I hadn't decoded the meaning
behind them. Barack was at times a fortress, at other
times a glass case of emotion, As Will Ferrell would say,
what the fuck Andrew, goddamnit? Um, I love it, I
love just make just make references to pop culture in
the middle of your storage. You know that that add
(41:46):
nothing the best part, that's the best part. Yeah, when
you talk about Anchorman. So they talk about Barack Obama's
special escalade, which, for some baffling reason, he'd had import
it from Afghanistan. Like he he had an armored escalated
imported from Afghanistan even though they're never they're not made
(42:06):
in Afghanistan there shipped there. But like what, Yeah, that's
a weird call um cool. Yeah, but but they have
they have their own armored escalade. Uh, that's great, very cool.
I love that even with everything we know about how
much money we spend on the military, everything that's supposed
(42:27):
to be like fancy and tech has to come from
somewhere else. It's like shipping from Russia, shipped from sald
Rabia ship. It's like it's obviously made by DARPA right
here with some crazy other stuff on it. It's just
like it's right there in Wisconsin. You don't need to
go all the way out there. You're that's a weird
attempt to like make Baracks seem less rich than he is,
because it's like when his what Biden notes, like when
(42:48):
his wife saw how much the armored escalated costs like
she told me better have another book idea or two.
And it's like they've got hundreds of millions of dollars
an armored escalators, like maybe a million bucks or so, right,
maybe like two if we assume he's getting one of
the really good ones, Like it's sucking pennies for for
a guy like Barack Obama, Like he can have as
many armored escalates as he wants to by tanks, especially
(43:08):
the Obama Barack Obama in this story. Everything is pennies
for the Barack Obama in this story. Yes, yes, yeah, okay,
So I don't know this is this seems like it's
going to be a pretty standard um mystery adventure that
focuses weirdly on an Amtrak train. I don't know what
(43:31):
to say about that. Uh, Daniel, do you have anything
you want us to search for in this? As we
kind of like like like it's very clear what this is, right,
like this is a like I mean like you look, yeah, Robert,
you know what I'm looking for? Is it search sets? No?
(43:52):
No no no no no no no no no no
no no no no no, Because if Mr Shaffer here
is anything like he's been saying. The word sex might
not even come up. There's only one use of the
word sex. Yeah, there you go. So it's gonna be
something along the lines of just like like the word touch, sweat,
(44:12):
thinking something like something like strength or like caress, or
like I just know, I just know that there's some
that there's some there's something in here or or if
or if the phrase I'm along for the ride comes
back up again. Yeah, so you know one thing that
I'm coming also prepared to be wrong as I look
(44:34):
for sweat. So there's there's a lot of weird talk
about Joe Biden's guns. Um like it makes a big
point about the fact, like Joe Biden did one of
the things he did when he and Brock were running,
is he like to try to like make a ploy
for getting the the kind of liberal gun owner vote
behind him. Is he like post he like made a
big factor the point of the fact that he owned
a couple of shotguns for like skeet shooting and stuff,
(44:58):
which I don't know, like I don't think got them
a single vote, because anyone who's actually like into gun
ownership just doesn't just own a a double barreled shotgun.
Or whatever. Like that's just kind of like the thing
democrats do when they're trying to seem um briefly relatable
to um uh rural folk. But this book makes a
big point of the fact that Joe Biden is a
(45:19):
is a gun owner and also has a sig sour.
So this is from like thirty percent of the way
through the book. Uh, Barack and Joe are are are
getting into a tough scrape of a situation. They're parking
in like a garage and going into like investigate some
some unsettling people. And uh here here's the uh here,
I'm just gonna start reading from the end of the chapter.
(45:41):
Brock steered to me, did you tell Jill you were
going out with me? It's none of her business who
I go out with. I'm in the seventh decade of
my life. I can do whatever I want. No one's
the boss of me. I used to be your boss.
The American people were our boss, I told him, But
things have changed. He shook his head and wiped a
beat of sweat from his brow. Did you bring that
heat or you were packing the other night? Talking about
Joe's handgun. I felt a twinch of embarrassment. Of course,
(46:03):
Barack knew I was a gun owner. I talked about
my shotguns enough that he could probably tell you the
make and model. But he wasn't talking about my shotguns.
They've been there have been reports of prowlers. I said,
you can't be too careful. You're right about that. A
lot going on in this world, even when it comes
to the friendly faces. It's hard to tell who to
trust these days. He paused, So you're bringing it, I'm
not bringing it. He looked me steady in the eye,
as if he was trying to assess whether I was
(46:24):
lying or not. Finally satisfying, Okay, So Barack Obama doesn't
want Joe bringing bringing the gun on their investigation. Um,
that's weird, okay, whatever. Um, yeah, I don't know. It's
a weird book, Daniel. I don't. It seems I mean,
it seems weird, and unfortunately it doesn't seem like it
ends with what the clear ending should be, at least
(46:44):
in my eyes. But the fucking or parasailing, I mean both, No,
but the the fucking we'll just go We'll go straight
with the fucking No, I mean, and and I don't,
I don't blame him. You know, this isn't a slash
fick as it were. It's you know, this is a
you know, and he's not advertised as a romance novel,
like I get it. So you know, maybe my my
(47:06):
hopes were too high. And if I really want that,
I know several websites I can go find that at.
So that's how it goes, I suppose, Oh, really cool. Cool. Okay,
So last chapter, chapter fifty fucking three, Yeah, fifty three
chapters and this fucking monstrosity, UM, very very unfortunate. So
(47:31):
it ends with the question can we just do some
like word searches just like yeah, I mean yeah, if
if you anyone has a word search thing. But like
the end of this it ends with um. So it
seems like what I'm gathering from last chapter is that
it wound up being that, like this Finn guy was
blew the whistle on a drug smuggling operation from some
(47:51):
gang called the Marauders. I don't know. There was apparently
an undercover d E agent that comes into this at
some point. So um, they solved the mystery and and
stopped the smuggling of a bunch of opiates into the country. Um,
and nobody finds out that Barack Obama or Joe Biden
were involved. At some point, Joe Biden destroys his knee,
because the last chapter opens with him talking about how
(48:12):
they had to reconstruct his his shattered knee, um and
gave him a prescription for ibuprofen since uh, um, you
know he can't take opiates at the end of this
because it seems like that's the thing they're fighting here. Um.
So this whole book is about a one point four
million dollar fentnel bust, which is like nothing, which is
(48:34):
like nothing. Would you even notice it if somebody if
there was, like, oh, there was a million dollar fitnel bust,
it's like fun funk that, Like nobody cares about a
million dollar fitnel bust. Like that's also not that much fentinyl.
I feel like, I don't know, it's it's not as
these days, but it just doesn't feel like a whole
lot if you've got this isn't much fentyl. Yeah, no
it's not. But I mean, I mean, I'm proud of
(48:55):
them regardless, but yeah, it's not it's not a lot.
That's not a lot of family. Yeah, that's not a
lot of final Um, Okay, so it's just back on
the amtrack. YadA, YadA, YadA. Barack had once told me
that at the end of the day, every one of
us is just part of a long running story. All
we can try to do is get our paragraph right.
Whether I would make another run at the highest office
(49:15):
in the land was still up in the air. I
learned long ago never to say never. Fate is a
strange way of intervening. All I knew for sure is
that I wasn't done writing my paragraph yet. That's great, Joe, uh, amazing. Okay, well,
this seems like a pretty lame book. I'm gonna be
(49:36):
honest with you, Daniel. That's okay. You know what we
we we we we learned a little bit about Mr Shaffer.
Oh also, I um, I took the liberty of going
to his bio on his website on Andrew Shaffer dot com.
Oh yeah, just to pull, just to pull a couple
quick quotes that he has listed here about his own work,
just just because, like, you know, my favorite one here,
(49:57):
and I think it kind of gives us a little
bit of a taste of the kind of author Mr
Shaffer is. If you haven't read his entire book. This
is from the Hollywood Reporter on his fifty Shames of
Earl Gray. Quote the literary equivalent of a good Saturday
Night Live skit. So that's that's that's good. So Entertainment
(50:21):
Weekly on how to Survive a Shark Nado says every
bit as amusing and straight faced as the film franchise
that sponded. Also very telling. And then and then of
course at the bottom Stephen Colbert just an American, which
you know he's clearly accepting the dig it himself and
being like ha ha oh wait, oh wait, I forgot
(50:42):
my favorite one, my favorite one, my favorite one. To
get you ready. Quote funny Everyone should follow this guy
on Twitter from Nicholas Sparks. That's one of his quotes.
Man funny guy on Twitter said, Nicholas Sparks fantastic. Oh
(51:04):
my god, Okay, well that's um just umm, can you
search how many times the word train is in the book? Um, yes,
I will, I will do that. I want to first though,
read so we have we have at the end here
we get like a real Roman, real emotional conversation between
Joe and Barack. And I'm guessing this is emotionally what
(51:25):
everything is building for well, actually, there's a lot interesting here,
I grinned. Barack was the most competitive person I've ever known.
It drove him up a wall when somebody suggested playing
a game just for fun. They're playing cards. If there
wasn't a clear winner and loser, he tended to lose interest.
He lived for elections. He withered an office. Um I
handed him the deck, you shuffle this time. The most
important people in my life have always been women, Barack said,
(51:47):
dealing the cards. My grandmother, my mother, Michelle, my daughter's
not saying I haven't had male friends, because I have
guys that played ball with guys they have beers with.
But with you, it's different. Once we figured each other out,
it was like our friendship was on autopilot. It was
so easy for so long that once we left office,
I didn't know what to do. I didn't know how
to just text another guy without inviting him over to
shoot hoops. I didn't know how to call you just
to talk, even though that's why I want. I wanted
(52:09):
what I wanted to do, I didn't know, and I'm sorry, Joe.
I looked at the cards he dealt me. It was
a crap hand I'm sorry too, I said, you didn't
do anything. Jealousy is an ugly sin. You're allowed to
have other friends. I drew a new card. As long
as I'm your best friend, aren't we too old to
have best friends? Maybe he was right, Maybe I was
being silly. I'm too old to be jumping out of airplanes.
(52:31):
I'm I guess they must have jumped out of an
airplane at some point in the book. I told him,
I think it'd be nice to just go golfing sometimes.
You said something just a minute ago. Barack remarked, you
called us brothers. Again. I didn't mean anything by it,
I said. Barack wasn't having a having any of it.
Don't be bashful, Joe. As far as I'm concerned, we
never stopped being brothers, he said, holding out a fist.
I punched him with too much forced but it was
(52:51):
the best fist bump we'd ever had. Watch the knuckles there, Joe,
he said, shaking out his hand. Wow, Barack Obama, watch
the knuckles there, Joe, Watch the knuckles. Oh no, this
gets very clearly sexual. Say I've got another light bulb
that needs to be changed in the upstairs bathroom. I'm
(53:12):
in no shape to stand on a chair right now,
and you're putting me to work, he asked. You're taller,
you've got longer arms. I'll do it, he said, rising
from the couch. Thanks, I said, bulbs on the counter.
Barack mounted the stairs. A few seconds later he called
out to me, Hey, Joe, Yeah, I shouted, Why does
your dartboard have Bradley Cooper's pictures on it? It's not important,
(53:33):
I said, not anymore. Goddamn it. That's weird. That's so weird.
In the in the beginning of the book, Joe Biden
was jealous that Bradley Cooper was hanging out with Barack
Obama and Barack wasn't calling him, so he was he
had like pictures of Bradley Cooper from a magazine that
he was throwing darts at because this book is profoundly
(53:55):
horny and strange. Uma. He had Jessina stars Born and
was like, I'm gonna add some Bradley Cooper to this.
For Sophie, there are one hundred and three matches for
the word train. This book is very trained focused. Okay,
what about railroad? Like, I'm just how many train train
(54:20):
adjacent words are there? Just twelve uses of the word railroad.
But let's see am track. Thirty five uses of am track,
so Jesus Christ and a lot of uses of amtrack Joe, um,
am track Joe. That's tight because again, all Andrew Shaeffer
knew about Biden is that he rode the train and
(54:41):
I presumably had a bad meat. How many times? How
many times is there verbiage like woman or she or
girl or lady or any of that nature. Well, this
is about the lust between two men, Sophie, So I
don't think we need to be getting you know, getting
the ladies involved only five uses of the word women. Um.
(55:02):
Jill Biden to be an after effect, who is willing
to let her husband one use of the word lady.
I think Jill in this is pretty understanding of the
fact that her husband just needs to fly free. And
Barack Obama is Michelle mentioned eleven times? Wow, this isn't
(55:23):
this is about the manly love. You're totally You're totally right.
It's also about trains. It's about the mainly love between
a president and his vice president and also trains. I mean,
you know, can you make that strain sound effect? Again? Donald,
that was my favorite part of the episode. Thanks. Mm hmmm,
(55:46):
I missed those things. I'm just gonna throw that out there.
I want a wood block train thing. I missed those.
I have to go down to my local railroad and
tell them that I am a small child, and they
shall say, but sir, you have of a beard and
are of height. I say, but I am still a
small child. Give me a who who machine and they'll say,
(56:06):
we don't know what that is? Can I order one
on the internet? Robert, where do I? Where do I
get a train? Okay, let's see here, wooden train, not
set whistle boom? Well, oh baby, I can get them
on discount mugs dot com. There you go. Well, I
am returning this book because it's horrible. Yeah, I get that,
(56:28):
sh out of here quality issues as the reason. Um, yes, so, Danial.
I don't know that we learned much today. I don't learn. No,
we didn't. We didn't. But we read pieces of a really,
really shamefully bad book. And that's as good as learning something.
(56:50):
I think I think we we we learned a thing
or two. We learned that Andrew Schaeffer is as funny
as a good snl skit. Yeah, which is by the
way just for references. No goodl is so bad as
to be completely unwatchable um and and toxic to the
human soul. Um good snls gets died out years ago. Daniel,
(57:14):
is there anything that you would like to plug plug
plug plug? Um? Sure, yeah, I um. I mean you
can follow me on Twitter at DJ Underscore Daniel d
a n L. I stream on Twitch at the same thing,
twitch dot tv slash DJ Underscore d a n L.
Work on a bunch of shows. I work on one
show with these two lovely people called Worst Year Ever.
Please downloaded and listen right here on the I Heart
(57:36):
Radio network. I work on Fake Doctors, Real Friends, which
is the scrubs rewatch podcast was Zach Graph and Donald Phazon.
Listen to it. It's a lot of fun and very funny,
and sometimes I get to speak on that and talk
about video games. Work on the Daily Zike Guys. Listen
to The Daily Zy Guys, the Daily News show here
on this very network. And I work on All's Fair,
a podcast about the evolution of disillusion starring Laura Wasser
and produced by Johnny Rereens and Robert Sophie. Thank you
(57:59):
both so much for having me. Robert and I'm to
see you're well. I love you both. Thank you you're
helping me. Ear fuck this book about Barack Obama and
Joe Biden's lust and also lust for trains. This book
is baffling to me, like it's it is pretty bad.
(58:20):
I mean, it's I just I just can't believe that
the person who wrote it was over the age of sixteen.
But I mean, that's how it goes. That's how it goes.
That's just the way it goes. Some things will never
change that Barack Obama getting fucked by each other. I
guess you didn't get that reference that I just did. Um.
(58:42):
You can follow Robert and I write Okay on Twitter.
You can follow this podcast on Twitter and watches live streams.
The work he's doing is really important and terrifying. Um,
that's attention. What's happening in Portland's it's fine times what
it's not? Sometimes federal agent shoot people. That's no train mystery.
Come on, guys, focus on what's your pseudo mom. It's
(59:05):
terrifying to watch you get hurt and not drinking of
black You can follow this podcast at Bastard's Pot on Twitter, Instagram.
We have a chief public store with really cool merch
and um, that's the way it goes. That's the cookie
and it's crumbled. That's the way the raytheon knife missile
strikes a vehicle driven by a suspected insurgent leader. Hell
(59:29):
yeah yeah, well bye bye bye m
Behind the Bastards News
Host
Robert Evans
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