Why Ted Cruz S*cks: A Comprehensive Biography

This week, Robert is joined by Cody Johnston and Katy Stoll to discuss the Bastards of the 2018 Mid-Term Elections. And to start, let’s talk about a man that people of all backgrounds and beliefs can despise: Ted Cruz. 

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:03):
Hello friends, I'm Robert Evans, and this is once again
Behind the Bastards the Shore, we tell you everything you
don't know about the very worst people in all of history.
And with me this week are my good friends, my
former and quasi peeple Cody Johnson, Collaborators, collaborators, secret anti
FA super soldier allies. Whatever terms are secret collaborator, frequent

(00:28):
secret collaborators. Uh. And this week we are talking about
the midterms. Exciting now. Rather than doing a two part
or about one person, we have two distinct subjects for
both episodes this week, and this episode is the working
title is every Shitty Thing Ted Cruiz has done in
his Shitty Ship Life. The titles a lie because I

(00:51):
didn't have time everything. There's just so much garbage that
Ted Cruiz is done. But we are going to go
back a lot further than I think most people know
about Mr Tedrick. I'm excited about this will be fascinating.
I want to start by asking what did you guys
first learn about Ted Cruise? Do you would you call
your first Ted Cruise memory? God, I couldn't say my
first memory of him, but I know it was around

(01:12):
tea party times. Yeah, that would make sense. Yeah, I
would say that's around the same time. For me, it's
all a blur. Well, I want the listeners at home
to know that while we're doing this, there's a tide
pod that's been in the office the whole year now
that I've been doing this show, and I've just been
squeezing it and it's gradually degrading and you can see
that it's going to burst at some point. So I'm
gonna pass this around. We can all take turns squeezing

(01:33):
and maybe it'll explode in the middle of this session.
It's really gross right now, Like you can see how gross.
I thought that was a tide pod, and I was right.
It will be fun for the listeners at home to
hear us squeeze the tide pod for this is going
to go, So yeah, it doesn't have much longer left
in all right, So, Ted Cruz, the focus of this

(01:54):
week is the bastards of the two eighteen midterm elections,
and I want to make it clear to our listeners
who maybe more politically independent, that we're not just declaring
every Republican who's running right now with bastard, or at
least I'm not the people that we're talking about this
week are folks that I think everyone in America can
get together behind and agreer garbage monsters. And on that note,
let's talk about Ted Cruz Uni. Yeah. Yeah, Now the

(02:16):
table of Hell Ted Cruz came to be started decades
before his birth in nineteen thirty nine. It started in Cleveland,
as any terrible things start, Yeah, in the late thirties,
back before the Cuyahoga River caught on fire the first
time of like a dozen times. I'm gonna start with
a businessman named Fred G. Clark. He was an executive

(02:38):
and anti prohibition crusader, so that's nice. He was a libertarian,
very early libertarian, and a contemporary of the Coke family
patriarch Fred Coke. Because for some reason, Freds are all
dedicated to destroying the social safety net. There's gonna be
a lot of friends this episode. Yeah, yeah, a lot
of friends in an episode about a Ted. I gotta say,
that's my least favorite name, is it? Fred? There's something

(02:58):
you know, hard core libertarian about the name from Yeah,
yes there is, and that's not just a random joke.
So anyway, Clark formed an organization called the American Economic Foundation.
Its goal was to push and advocate for free market,
limited government ideals. He moved the Foundation to New York
City in the nineteen forties and he set up a
program to educate young Americans about the wonders of capitalism.

(03:21):
Clark believe the free market worked because it was a
self correcting system controlled by the consumer. Since this self
correcting system was obviously perfect, there was no need for
government intrusion into the economy. Of course. Yeah, if you
have a system that's for like you say whatever you want,
whatever you want in order to make money, sort of
take advantage of consumers. Yeah, the consumers have the power exactly.
Think about like I s p s. That's why everyone's

(03:42):
Internet is fantastic and nobody has complaints about their sp
because we the consumers, have the power. Perfect example, perfect example,
about perfect example. That's why the health care industry is
famously without flawed because the consumers are in control. It's
definitely not broken from their perspective, so why would they
try to fix it? And free is right there. I

(04:03):
love free stuff. I love Boston market, So a free
Boston market that's what I think of when I think
a free market. That's just some good associations right there,
they're brilliant. I'm gonna get me a good rotisserie chicken
that's been sitting on a warming plate for four days
for free. Delightful. Okay. So the Foundation published a pamphlet
called How We Live and sold something like three million

(04:25):
copies of it during the nineteen forties and fifties. It
was an economics primer that basically outlined Fred's ideas about
how the economy out of work. In nineteen sixty four,
the American Economic Foundation had its biggest coup yet when
it hosted that year's World's Fair in New York City.
I found some New York Time coverage of the event.
The title of the article is free Enterprises hailed it, Fair,

(04:46):
Hall dedicated, and torch of truth lighted at ceremony. Now,
most of this article reads like the flavor text you'd
find in a Fallout game. It's it's it's pretty fun.
I love reading old New York Times stories from the
nineteen sixties. Here's a quote. An attack against Russian communist
imperialist aggression and against big government in this country was
delivered by John Davis Lodge, former Governor of Connecticut and

(05:07):
former ambassador to Spain. For the Russians, peaceful coexistence is
a tactic, not an objective for us. Plausible appearances to
the contrary, notwithstanding, it is surrender. On the installment plan,
maryor Wagner praised the pavilion as a most valuable endeavor
to explain in practical terms to the millions of visitors
to the World's Fair the daily economic benefits inherit in
our free enterprise system. Yeah, any talk of piece is

(05:37):
just communism. We don't knook each other. The Russians win,
It is just it is just they don't exaggerate it
all in those games. No, they take it right from history.
Take it right from history now. A representative during the
this World's Fair from the American steel Workers Union was
quoted by The New York Times as noting ruefully that

(05:57):
the exhibit completely left out labor. Weird. Weird that a
major pro capitalist foundation would ignore labor, and the must
have been an oversight. Must have been an oversight. It
actually wasn't, according to the American Economic Foundation. One of
their representatives assured the New York Times that quote labor
was represented in the hall's major exhibit. Mr Both comes

(06:18):
to town. This is a show in which Mr Both
has the dual role of producer and consumer and the
audience finds itself involved in the economy of a small town.
That sounds height of Oh that is branding right there. Yeah,
I'm sorry. Audience participation shows, you can like it's you

(06:44):
were labor, were labor, the CEOs are labor, we're all
we're all labor. And you know what came about because
some guy was sitting back and like, well, if it's
an audience participation show, we don't get to pay for
as many actors, free labor being the best time of
them and then the show, don't you guys feel lucky? Yeah?

(07:06):
I really did look for a video of Mr Both
comes to town because I still have no idea what
it could actually have been saying. I'm sure it was
a tour de force, but I found no evidence of it.
I do want to go off topic for just a
second because the New York Times article this all happened
during like free market Day at the World's Fair, but
that wasn't the only day that it was that day
at the World's Fair. So I want to read the

(07:27):
end of this New York Times article. It just gives
some weird insight and how strange America was in the
day before the Internet. Yesterday was also law Day and
the Festival of Gas served Unlikely served as unlikely chambers
for about a hundred judges of the city in judicial robes.
The day too was Betty Crocker Day, Loyalty Day, Northeastern

(07:47):
Poultry Producers Council Day, Personal Affairs Day, and King's County Day.
And the list is growing. Today at the Fair will
be Garden City, Boston, Massachusetts, Tours Day, Manhattanville, College of
the Sacred Heart, Scandinavian New York State Day, Temple or
Elohim Day, willing Born Township Day, and Crazy Hat Day.
Crazy one is just fun fun for the Wait, how

(08:14):
many days was Okay? I mean, let's count here. So
this was yesterday was law Day at the Festival of
Gas Gas. I need to know more, no more about
Also I love like, I mean, what kind of gas
Loyalty Day, Loyalty Day, but also like Funny Hat Day,

(08:37):
Funny Day. Well now that was the next day. So
the day that this article is about was Free Market Day,
Law Day in the Festival of Gas, Betty Crocker Day,
Loyalty Day, Northeast, it was like seven or eight days one. Well,
you know what, I think that's rude because you shouldn't
have to share your special day with several others. But
you know, I'm sorry, Katy. This is capitalism. And the

(08:58):
more days you jam into a single day, you're getting
four weeks for the price of two days. Just pledge
your loyalty. And you were a silly hat. Yeah, crazy hat,
crazy yeah, different days. Yeah. Fred Clark died in nineteen
seventy three in the American Economics Foundation went rapidly downhill
from there. They moved back to Cleveland in the early
in nineteen eighties, which was not an inspiring time to

(09:20):
move back to Cleveland. Everyone was doing the opposite actually
in the eighties, if you recall sorry Cleveland, but you
know from Ohio like places. But yeah, not even want
to go to bed for Cleveland. I'd say Cleveland's my
least favorite city name. M name of a city, Yeah,

(09:41):
it just is like, well, because I think that it
must be a city founded by a guy named Cleve.
And then we can imagine a guy named Cleve not
being great Land of Cleve. Yeah, no, no, thank you, Yeah,
like John clevesond or something just Cleve. It doesn't about
of Cleve is his land. We're gonna build a city
so gross the river catches on fire. So yeah. The

(10:06):
American Economic Foundation moved back to Cleveland the eighties, and
instead of hosting World's Fairs, they launched a massive mailing
list across the country, essentially seating the United States with
far right free market values. Most of what they did
until their dissolution was sent out pamphlets and mailers. One
such pamphlet was The Tin Pillars of Economic Wisdom, a
sort of tin Commandments for libertarian free market economics. As

(10:27):
Fred Clark saw it. Now, the Tin Pillars had first
been revealed at that nineteen sixty four World's Fair. I
love the idea of like the big reveal, the big reveal,
everyone's a waiting, No one knew what they were. We
were all just getting money, and I know where it
came from. Full the curtain ground. Here the Pillars strongly

(10:49):
hint that the best possible world is one where workers
listen to their bosses and don't ask for raises, because
asking for raises will decrease the amount of money workers
take home. Of course, that's just basic economics. Yeah, that's
math right there. This list of Robert Baron capitalist wisdom
wound up outlasting the American Economic Foundation and spreading throughout
the libertarian right. It was picked up as an educational

(11:11):
supplement by the Free Enterprise Education Institute. Now the Free
Enterprise Education Institute was found in nineteen seventy six, three
years after Clark died, by a fellow named Roland's story.
He'd been a vaudeville performer, Yeah I got that name. Uh,
and an oil and gas industry businessman in Houston, which
is a neat mixtry. He's a mix of the two

(11:36):
things you assume would be most racist. In nineteen seventy
anyone's still doing vaudeville and the oil and gas industry
in Texas. He lived in Houston, and he decided that
his calling was to indoctrinate young Texans into the virtues
of libertarian economic theory. Indoctrinate specifically, Oh yeah, very much. So.
He ran like after school specials and programs and yeah,

(11:57):
they know what they have to do, they know what
they have to do. Get them young. One of stories
students called him the Santa Clause of liberty. Yeah, you
guys enjoyed that the book The Wilderness, which is now
shamefully outdated. It was published in when the election started up.
It was about how that giant sixteen Canada Republican primary

(12:20):
slate came about. And the book was definitely written with
the angle that, like, the Republicans are going to lose
this election, let's try to figure out how things got
so fucked up. But that didn't happen anyway, they said
on that book a little bit longer, but it does
give some good background into Mr. Story. Quote. Story educated
his students about the brightest minds of free market economics.

(12:42):
They poured over Fredrick Hayek and Milton Friedman and marveled
at Frederick boss Jatt's denunciations of socialism is legal plunder.
A veteran of vaudeville, Story like to recreate constitutional conventions
and assigned students to play delegates and mock debates. That's fun. Also,
I got a note Fredrick Hyak Frederick boss jat both
Fred's they are it's the fucking friends. I'm more on

(13:04):
board with the fred Frederick. And also I apologize if
there are any friends listening, I don't think there are
no If there are Fred's listening. You have to pay
reparations for the damage that other friends have done. Yeah,
I'm sorry, We're sorry. It's your responsibility. The rules. Fred
Claus movie, Fred Claus speaking, and Vince Vaughan is a libertarian. Yeah,

(13:29):
there all checking out? All. Yeah, if you are a Fred.
The only thing that can stop a bad Fred with
dangerous far right ideology is a good Fred with name
a good friend with dangerous ideology. I can't I can't
think of a good friend with any kind of ideology.
Fred's and Cleveland all taking a hit today? What about

(13:52):
the friend staff as you quit? The cute little boy
in frid Fred Savage. Oh you haven't heard about Fred Savage? Man. No,
there's a six part behind the Bastards about Fred seton
a lot of a lot of people lost hands anyway. Uh.
Continuing on Roland's stories, most gifted student was a thirteen
year old boy named Ted Cruise. There we go. Rafael

(14:15):
Edward Cruz born on December twenty, nineteen seventy was the
son of Rafael Cruz, a Cuban American who fought against
the Batista regime and fled his home country after Castro
took power. His mother Eleanor Wilson was just some lady
from Delaware. Ted Cruz was actually born in Canada. His
mom and dad owned a seismic data processing firm in
Calgary before his parents split up and his dad moved

(14:36):
the kids to Texas in nineteen seventy four, and now
not long after that, his mom came back and the
family stayed together until I think like nineteen seven when
they divorced. I don't know if these marital difficulties bled
into the childhood of the young Ted Cruise. I do
know that he was a brilliant student and a habitual
overachiever in school. These aspects of his personality only increased
when Roland story began to groom him. Not liking where

(14:59):
this is go on marriages that you get divorced, get
back together, and then get divorced again. That's something else
that has to affect someone. I mean, you gotta assume, right, yeah.
I just don't like knowing that Ted Cruz isn't what
he turned into and just being like, oh, like a
wide eyed kid is like moved to Texas and he's
an overachiever, Good luck buddy, Oh no, oh no, And

(15:21):
Roland is involved stories after school studies sessions had a
huge influence on Ted's already conservative upbringing because his dad, Rafael,
who will talk about later, pretty far right, but Rafael,
his father did later recall quote. Instead of reading comic books,
Ted was reading Adam Smith, he was reading Milton Friedman,
he was reading von Mices, he was reading Frederick bass
yat tolerable. Intolerable certainly doesn't sound like a kid anybody

(15:43):
wanted to sit with it lunch. It's probably worth noting
since we did a two partner in the Koke Brothers
that Milton Friedman and Ludwig von miss both taught at
Robert Lefeb's Freedom School. If you remember from that Cooke
Brothers two partner at the Freedom School was both funded
by in a major influence on Charles Coke, among other things,
that them school believe that slavery should be legal as
long as it's just free people selling themselves into slavery.

(16:05):
Those words work well together, Like that makes sense. What
a hill to pic to die on? Unbelievable people in slavery. Yeah,
it's just looking out at the world and being like,
you know what the fucking problem is, nobody can selve
themselves into slavery. I also love like there are so
many libertarians out there who like when you bring that up, like, well,

(16:27):
that's really like, that's not what we think, Like, yeah,
you literally do, like it's it's the basis is a
lot of the thought that underlies this ideology. My body,
my choice, I guess I mean, but no, because you
can't consent to being eaten by someone my slavery. To
say that I did not mean it my body. Ludwig

(16:50):
von Miss, in addition to being a pillar of libertarian
economic theory and a major influence on young Ted Cruz,
was a member of the board of advisors for the
Miss Institutes Rampart journal. His name is attached to several
issues of that journal that include articles denying the Holocaust.
It just a fun little for the Nazi connection. There's well,
they support the Nazis. There's always a Nazi connection. There's

(17:11):
always a Nazi connection. And it is weird how many
libertarian journals and writers in the seventies and eighties, in particular,
back before the Internet, we're writing a lot of stuff
about how the Holocaust didn't add up to them. It
seems like a lot of classical liberals really, really supporting
Hitler in the early days is weird. I don't know,
there's no I don't even have a bit about the

(17:32):
Holocaust denial here. It's it's just the thing that people.
It's just the thing that people choose to do. Yeah,
Like some people might choose to be slaves and something
might choose to be slaved. It's their choice. Choice is
what makes America great now. Shortly after he began working
with story Ted, Cruz was picked to be a member
of the Constitutional Corroborators. Uh, dorks and you say that

(17:57):
Cody as a dork complete? I know, like we've all
made substantial chunks of our living making fun of Star Wars.
I've been on podcasts where I only played dungeons and dragons.
But these fucking um now, just judging by that name,
what do y'all think that Constitutional Corroborators might have been

(18:21):
any any guesses? Corroborating the Constitution? Cool kids from sort
of judicial Watch, Yes, that's what it seems like. That
would actually be cooler. Um. There were groups of five students.
Each group of corroborators was five students who attended Stories
after school programs and trained to be able to write

(18:41):
out the entire Constitution from memory. They also read out
a definition of socialism when they presented this, which was
portrayed as being in direct opposition to the constitutions. Now,
the corroborators toured local chambers of commerce and rotary clubs,
various groups and association stuff like that around North and
central Texas. They toured and let them watch to them
right constituent. They would show up in front of groups

(19:03):
of generally older conservative people and these five kids would
get a bunch of white boards out and they would
write out the Constitution from memory using anemonic device that
they'd memorize children. Yeah, early teens. That's a good show though. Yeah.
I mean, I guess if you don't have Netflix, if
good music hasn't been invented yet, which it hadn't been
in the eighties. Yeah, in my day, we just watched

(19:24):
kids write words on white boards. That was the only
Netflix we needed. I love groups like this, like Charlie
Kirk kind of person, or like um, like even Paul
Joseph Watson's like, oh, your fans are all over sixty
conservatives and they just love that there's finally a young
person saying what they're thinking. They just want to see
a young person who agrees with them. That's it's it's perfect,

(19:47):
It's it's amazing. Now, Taylor's Taylor Taylor at least as
old as the nineteen age story. He was one of
the first people doing this, uh in a really organized way. So.
One of Ted's fellow constitutional corroborators was Laura Callaway. She
joined the group in her senior year at Deer Park
High School. She'd been invited there by her friend Jeff

(20:07):
who she had a crush on, who was on the
debate team. Uh. This study group is how Stories Free
Enterprise Education Center hooked most of its young members. The
even offered scholarships to sweeten the deal. Here's what Laura
recalled later in a medium post. The nonprofit programs director,
a jocular round man named Roland Story sends us boxes
of books, textbooks wrapped in shiny plastic, textbooks unavailable at school,

(20:29):
but textbooks that tell the real story behind our country's
founding fathers. There are lots of quotes by Thomas Jefferson.
Sounds situation, sounds like a Praiger youth situation before the Internet. Now,
she enjoyed the study program and most of the people
in it with one notable exception, Ted Cruz. I've heard
about him from my friend, She writes it in the

(20:50):
present tense. I've heard about him from well, no, I've
heard about this before she got into She says, I've
heard about him from my friends, that he is a
master debater and long term member of the organization. When
we are introduced, it is the first time I feel
as if someone has sized me up, found me wanting,
and moved on all before I finished Hello. It is
not a good feeling. I don't think I'm going to

(21:10):
like Ted. Laura was about thirty years ahead of the
rest of So we're going to get into some more
about the constitutional corroborators and the rest of the evolution
of ted Rick Cruz, which is not his name. Fuckett
might as well be a friend? Might you might as
well be a friend? Friend and Ted basically basically the
same uh to Fred talk. But first we have to

(21:32):
corroborate not the constitution but products that people can buy. Yes,
it was kind of products does support you show in
a in a way in a way absolutely, and even
better than that, as the consumer, you will have the
power in this new relationship you're entering into I love

(21:52):
having power. Let's all become powerful and listen to these ads.
Can't wait, we're back. We're talking about Ted Cruz and
his youth as a constitutional corroborator. You Ted Cruz was

(22:13):
born forty three. Yeah, has not changed much since. Now
we're talking about Laura who who just announced that she
did not like Ted Cruising immediately the instant she talked
to him. At one point, Laura and her fellow corroborators
were invited to in American Ideas seminar at the State
Conference Center This is in Houston. They attended classes and

(22:34):
lectures about the free market and limited government. One of
their most important pieces of curriculum was the Tin Pillars
of Economic Wisdom. Yeah, it all ties together well. Fred Clarke,
who wrote those pillars was long dead by this point,
and it's now so forgotten that I barely found anything
about him online. His ideas clearly spread to a new
generation of young conservative. The Tin Pillars had a profound

(22:54):
impact on young Ted Cruz. His favorite pillar was the
second government has never are a source of goods. Everything
produced is produced by the people, and everything that government
gives to the people it must first take from the people.
What well, Like you know how when the government builds roads,
they take roads from you, and you don't. You have
less roads, but the government has more. Or like when

(23:15):
the government provides an ambulance after you're in a car wreck,
you have less ambulances. You have an ambulance, but then
you get into the government. That's how it works. I'm
familiar with this, Siller. Yeah, because just like from living
life in society and looking around, I could have guessed pill.
I used to have a United States Marine Corps, but
now that I pay taxes, it's completely out of my

(23:37):
control and now they're I have to give it. That
sort of sort of yeah, it's not the same. Laura
described the American idea seminar as church camp for libertarians,
which is certainly how it sounds, quote as if it's
normal conversation we discuss ideas over dinner, Like the only
thing government should do is provide for the common defense,

(23:57):
fire stations, privatize medical care even medicare, definitely privatize education.
All school should be private. Education is a privilege, not
a constitutional right. What the fucking people, how do you
even like start to talk about those kinds of topics?

(24:18):
Those people I just want to live in a nation
where poor children are free to be illiterate and sell
themselves into slavery, signing their name, writing their marks on
contracts they can't read. That's seems like freedom to me.
Maybe that doesn't seem like freedom to everyone. That's freedom
I want. I want to have to I think education
should be profitable. So all the decisions that one would

(24:41):
make in giving somebody the education is based off of
how much money you'll make, which I think would give
that person a good education, because it's motivated by doing
whatever in order to make money. Absolutely, and that's always
been where our greatest advances have come, when the only
thing on the line was was profit. Absolutely, That's how
we cured polio. That's why Jonah Sulk, you know, famously

(25:05):
became a billionaire from the polio vaccine. That's why all
of those NASA scientists who put a man on the
moon got super rich. Yeah, that's absolutely true. Stereotype of
the mansion owning NASA scientists there was. It was rich
fat cat scientists sitting on their ivory Apollo launch of scientists. Now,

(25:27):
Laura felt some disconnecting these conversations because she'd gone to
a public school, and she was at a public school,
and she thought she got a pretty good education. But
despite some lingering doubts, she did find the whole experience
almost intoxicating. The most exciting part for me is feeling important,
being treated as a thinking adult, and getting to spend
the weekend at a fancy conference center. It is the
nicest hotel room I've ever been in, and the banquet

(25:47):
room has crystal glasses, and there is a magic show
and the college kids have beer. Sign me up. I mean,
I should note Texas in the eighties you could drink
and drive still that was like teen and ecstasy was legal,
so this was quite the time to be in a
hotel in the Houston area. I'm sure they had a
lot of fun. So it's perfect as it is, just like,

(26:09):
all right, we're gonna say this, and then old people
are going to be excited. The young people are talking
about these things, and the young people are gonna be
excited because they get to pretend to be fancy and old,
just a little feedback and to feel like they're better
than other young people who are busy getting educations and
not being indoctrinated. Yeah, it's great. I wonder if any
current far right media personalities had upbringings in any way

(26:30):
similar to this. Wow, that's an interesting question. I bet
nothing will come of that. Yeah, there's no way to
look into people like where Charlie Kirk. Probably there's probably
nothing there. There's probably no similarities. So let's let's talk
about the only time this ever happened. Now. Laura studied
with Ted Cruz and their fellow Constitutional cooperators to memorize

(26:52):
the Constitution. As I stated, she claimed, Story hired anemonic
expert to create a tried and true method for helping
kids memorize the Constitution. This is necessary, but because stories
goal was to basically mass produce constitutional corroborators to travel
around and while the easily wallable all around the United States.
The time Laura was involved, there were at least six
different teams of corroborators touring the country at a given time.

(27:13):
Laura recalled a usual visit quote. We arrive at a
rotary club meeting and set up our easels in large
pads of paper without notes. We use our clever pnemonic device,
and we each write the headlines of our sections. Mine
include articles four, five, six, and seven. Rooms full of
almost all white men over the age of fifty wearing
blue suits are very impressed. Yeah, yeah, that checks out,

(27:34):
check right there. Now. A major motivation for Laura and
most of the other corroborators was the chance to win
scholarships during one speech competition hosted by the Fortune five
auto parts manufacturer Tentaco. Laura placed first, Ted Cruz placed third.
We have a picture of them receiving their awards and
you can see the barely restrained fury and Ted's eyes. Now,

(27:57):
this will be on Behind the Bastards dot com. I
gotta pass this around and just get y'all to describe
how Ted Cruz looks in that picture. I'm not am
I imagining that the definition of all teeth, no smile,
Like I'm smiling like they tell me to. But his
eyes are dead, which we're all familiar with dead eyes,

(28:21):
like a doll's eye. Yeah, he's familiar with what smiles
should look like. He's had smiles described to him. It's
the exact because if you've ever heard Ted Cruz talk,
he's got that like, here's how I've talked to you.
This is how a genuine person speaks. And that is
that smile. That is that smile. Clearly, smiling was not
one of the tin pillars of economic wisdom, so he
just didn't study it. Now. Ted went to Second Baptist

(28:44):
High School, which was a fairly expensive private school in Houston.
First First Now. According to the book he wrote before
running for president, the title of which I have forgotten
and I'm not going to give in this episode, fuck
itt uh Ted Cruise. But according to this book that

(29:04):
Ted Cruz wrote, Ted Cruiz was one of the cooler
kids that Ted Cruizes high school. Oh my god, are
you kidding? Ted Cruise might be, but I'm not. Quote
midway through junior high school, I decided I'd had enough
of being the unpopular nerried. I remember sitting up one
night asking a friend why I wasn't one of the
popular kids. I ended up staying up most of that

(29:24):
night thinking about it. Okay, well, what is it the
popular kids do? I will consciously emulate that. That is
that's where he learned how to smile. Well, that's everything,
is Ted Cruise. If you've seen the pictures of him,
video with him and his family and stuff, He's consciously
emulating a human being with a wife and children. That's
Ted Cruise. Anytime he tries to kiss his wife for

(29:47):
a child, ohoy, just the worst moment. They seem offended
that he's near them. There was an article today about
his wife. We can talk about that later, but it
was tragic breaking. It's really sad. They're sationship and how
she basically, well, we can get to him. I would
describe the way that human beings look when Ted Cruz
kisses them. Human beings that Ted cruize is related to

(30:08):
the way they look when he kisses them. It's not
like I know, you know, people get like pictures of
like Milannia and try and some of them look like,
you know, a couple that's having a fight and they're
a little angry or something like that. But like most
couples will have moments like that in their relationship. When
Ted Cruz kisses one of his beloved family members, it
looks like almost gravitational force repelling. Yeah, like magnets that

(30:30):
are going further away. It's a it's an instinct. It's
not even emotion right, right, There's like there's coldness that
you can see in relationships, but then there's like just recoiling. Yeah,
and how could you not recoil from how could you?
But no, there's no This isn't even about his appearance.
This is about yea sure. I mean this woman remembers

(30:53):
meeting him for the first time and like within seconds,
like dating. This is a bad human being. Yeah. Now.
Ted says that in order to get popular, he got
involved with sports, got contact lenses instead of glasses, and
was soon a regular party boy. He was even briefly
suspended for smoking pot um I know, yeah, according to
the Guardian quote. On other occasions, he wrote, he was

(31:15):
beaten up by drunk older kids at two am and
reprimanded by the principle for a prank that involved covering
a rival schools building in toilet paper and shaving cream,
then fleeing in a nineteen Ford Fairmont with Wagner's Right
of the Valkyries blaring out of the car. Sta do
think being popular includes getting beat up? Yeah? I think so.
It's attention. Okay, so now we disconnect here. I'm well

(31:36):
known for getting beat up at two am. Also, I mean,
I will say a lot of people listen to Right
of the Valkyries while doing various things. The choice of Wagner, Yeah,
a little fashion, but maybe not in those days. Though
maybe not in those days people aren't aware. People know
Apocalypse now would just come out. Maybe that's it. Yeah,

(31:59):
maybe it was like he was a populyce. Now that
I know, Ted is a big film puffy and he
likes art, so I'm sure that he was. Really he
does enjoy a nice art, likes to eat it. I'm
a big fan of the art. Many of Cruz's former
fellow students and teachers do agree that Ted Cruz was
widely seen as very intelligent and gifted. He was the

(32:20):
valedictorian of his class in night. He was always an
outspoken conservative and always clear that his goal in life
was to get into politics. It seems like, rather than
becoming popular by acting less nerdy, Cruz actually gained most
of what popularity he did have from his nerdiness. Second
Baptist was a big speech and debate school, and Ted
Cruz was a fantastic debater. Uh speaking of someone who
was in speech and debate in Texas, it is definitely

(32:42):
a community that attracts outspoken, annoying, opinionated conservative kids, which
I was when I was Ted Cruz's age in an
attacks in high school. So I can guess what a
lot of those conversations were like yeah, yeah. Now when
he graduated in nineteen, seventeen year old Ted Cruze wrote
this description of his hopes and dreams in his yearbook.

(33:04):
Upon graduation, Ted hopes to attend Princeton University in major
in political science and economics. From there, he wants to
attend law school, possibly Harvard, and achieve a successful law practice.
He then wants to pursue his real goal, a career
in politics. Ted would like to run for various political
offices and eventually achieve a strong enough reputation and track
record to run for and win president of the United States.

(33:25):
Presidency has been Ted Cruz's goal from the very beginning. Yeah.
I mean, I was a sixteen year old conservative debater
who wanted to be the president, and then I became
an eighteen year old who had to pay rent and
realized that wasn't a job A good person once. Also,

(33:46):
like that video of him from high school, I think, oh, yeah,
that's what we're about to get into. Yeah. So, in
a video filmed right after graduation, Ted Cruz lays out
his ambitions in a much less polished fashion, and we're
just gonna play this whole video for y'all. Have you
both seen this? Oh good, Katie, I'm excited for this. Cody,
just live through it again. So let's listen to eighteen

(34:09):
year old Ted Cruise talk about his hopes and dreams. Katie.
I think you should be able to you can at
least see him because he's um, he's a character character
that like went on my butt. Let's don't know, I
see what you want me to do. What I want
to do in life, Well, my aspiration is to uh oh,

(34:31):
I don't know, being a teen pit film like that
guy who played Horatio. You know he was in Malva
Bikini beach shop. Well, other than that take Over the
World roll, everything written, powerful, that sort of stuff, that was,
of course a fake Ted Cruise campaign at using that now,

(34:53):
normally it would be unfair. I did worse stuff than
that when I was eighteen. I don't want anyone seeing
the videos I made when I was eighteen. No, no, no.
The thing that's in interesting about this is that this
is probably the best thing Ted Cruze ever did from
a moral standpoint, because he's not actively harming anyone in
that video other than perhaps the cameraman. So Ted did
get to go to Princeton and he went to Harvard

(35:14):
after that. But his roommate at Princeton was a guy
named Craig Mason. Now Craig would later go on to
write the screenplays for the Hangover movie trilogy. Good on, Craig,
I guess, yeah, all right for himself. Weird that that
took a Princeton education, interesting way to Yeah, for sure.
Life's funny like that. Nothing against it. Of all of
the movies that star, you know, the guy who was

(35:37):
sexy for a hot minute and then he got huge
and he played that sniper who lied about Jesse the
body of Ventura. That guy Bradley, I thought, Okay, is
he still alive? He is? Apparently he's looking real hot
in his new movie. A Star was born. Good directed
that Lady Garga movie and started this Lady Gaga, she's

(35:58):
still alive. Fantastic, they're all still living? Good I didn't.
Sophie is covering her her face. Yeah, well, you know what.
You know more about those people then, and I know
more about Ted Cruz. So so is the winner now,
although everyone is about to know the same amount about
Ted Cruz, who is still alive? Who is still alive?

(36:20):
Technically that's the point. Now, when we get back, we're
going to talk about what Craig Mason has to say
about Mr Cruz. But first, you know, what I love
is not Dorito's. I do love Cres, but I'm no
longer giving free ad space to Dorrito's. Well, I just
feel a little bit like you got to move on.

(36:41):
I understand. I mean they're not answering. That's just yeah,
you have to if you love something, let it, let
it go. Let it go and maybe it'll come back
to you. And provide free ads for Stretch Island fruit leather.
The only fruit leather that is currently sitting on the
table as we record this podcast. That's true, that's the
only one I right now. Fantastic. All right, here's some

(37:02):
ads that paid us and we're back. We're talking about
Craig Mason, who, when Ted Cruise ran for president, his
former roommate, Craig Mason, screenwriter of the Hangover movie series,
got onto Twitter and started to talk about his opinions
on his former roommate, Ted Cruise. It turns out he
doesn't like him very much. You know. There's some interviews

(37:24):
with Mr Mason and like with Laura, it sounds like
Craig pretty much hated Ted Cruise from the moment they met. Quote.
I remember very specifically that he had a book in
Spanish and the title was was Carl Marks a Satanist?
And I thought, who is this person? Even in nineteen
eight he was politically extreme in a way that was
surprising to me. It's all, Oh, it's all there, it's

(37:49):
all there, hasn't changed. For reference, here is a picture
of Ted Cruz at the time. This is his yearbook
photo actually from high school. And I'm going to hand
this to, let's say, Katie. I just just described for
me as best you can the look on his face
in that yearbook possessed. I mean, his eyes are kind
of rolling back. It's almost like he's a shell of

(38:10):
a man possessed by the spirits of two dead conservative
ideal laws. I know him. Yeah, I've seen this person. Yeah,
I've seen this person today writing their opinions on the internet. Yeah. Yeah,
it's it's pretty remarkable. Now. The Daily Beast talk to
Mazing and several other members of Princeton's nineteen ninety two

(38:32):
graduating class. These people all knew Ted Cruise at the time,
and the Daily Beast concluded after all their interviews that quote,
the Ted Cruz who arrived as a college freshman in
nineteen eight was nearly identical to the man who arrived
in Washington as a freshman Republican senator in two thousand thirteen,
Which is one thing everyone agrees about with Ted Cruz.
He has not changed at all since he was a child.

(38:53):
I mean, yeah, when you're indoctrinated that early, Yeah, you're
not going to pick through that. We're just digging deeper.
You're going to think that Carl Mark saving you already
know the ten pillars of economic wisdom? What else is
there to know? Now? Eric Leitch, who lived with Ted
Cruz at one point during their time at Princeton, said quote,
it was my distinct impression that Ted had nothing to
learn from anyone else. The only point of Ted talking

(39:14):
to you was to convince you of the rightness of
his views. The worst kind of person. Yeah, yeah, and again,
very much sounds like a high school speech and debate kid.
I've resembled that at a time in my life. Normally,
you go into the world, you meet other people, you
realize you're not as smart as you thought. You encounter
some surprises, you meet people with different backgrounds, and you
become less of that Ted Cruise never did. Yeah, yeah, right.

(39:37):
You slowly realize like, oh, I'm a dumbas. Oh I'm
an idiot. I don't have all the answers. Life's really complicated.
I should listen to other people that you have to
be able to learn and grow from your mistakes to
do that, though, So I wonder if that's something we'll
see Ted Cruise do or if he'll just be continually
noted as an unchanging monolith of man. At this point,

(39:59):
it's too late. I don't start now. No, No, other
classmates at Princeton called College Cruise abrasive, arrogant, creepy, and
a crank. The Daily Beast notes that four former classmates
all independently described him as creepy. That's also half of Congress,
like you, like, you don't even need to say, like, oh,

(40:20):
someone said this about Ted Cruizes correct, just like described
Ted Cruise for a second. If there was a vote
in Congress as to whether or not Ted Cruiz was creepy,
it would be the only unanimous vote our Congress has had.
Ted Cruise would vote yes. Finally, Finally, some bipartisanship and
kind of like, if we can't come together on this,
what can we agree to? Start with the basics? Ted

(40:43):
Cruise grossest ship right, Okay, the floor. I'd like to
agree with my colleague, Ted Cruises absolutely creepy stares at
me in the bathroom. Yeah. Ted Cruise apparently had a
habit of putting on a Paisley bathrobe and wall walking
to the other end of the dorm where all the
women lived and just sort of hanging out there. No, no, no, yeah,

(41:07):
that's what Craig Mason says. I would end up fielding
the girl's complaints. Could you please keep your roommate out
of our hallway? Ted Cruise. Now, Cruise played poker regularly
with a group of upperclassmen and was apparently just as
bad at that as he is at all vanig stuff.
He wound up owing eighteen hundred dollars in nineteen eighties

(41:28):
money to several students. That's a lot a lot of months,
like six grand a day in like college yeh and
college an insane amount of money. It's crazy now, Ted
Cruizes campaign spokesman in two fifteen was asked about Ted
Cruz being terrible at poker, and she confirmed that Senator

(41:50):
Cruz once had a quote foolish poker problem. He went
to his aunt, who worked at a bank in Dallas,
and borrowed eighteen hundred dollars from her, which he paid
in cash and promptly quit the game. Is A spokesman
claims that he worked two jobs and gradually paid his
aunt off over the next two years. Physical responsibility, responsibility
more than he's shown as a congressman, which we'll get

(42:10):
to in a second. Now. In general, it seems like
the kids who were in debate club with Cruise actually
did like him, and everybody else kind of hated him.
His old debate partner speaks particularly well of Ted Cruz. Quote,
I consider Ted to be very kind. He's a very
very gentle hearted person. He took me under his wing
and was a mentor to me. He was very kind
to me. I am a much smarter and much better
person today because of Ted Cruz. What did he want?

(42:32):
I don't know, don't you know? It seems like some
people did like him, really didn't. I think it's probably
just that like that kind of relationship that he like.
Some people are looking for that kind of relationship and
Ted Cruz only response to that kind of relationship, like
he's sizing everybody up, like you're useless to me. I
think you're beneath me, So I'm not going to treat
you well. This Oh I can mentor I can, I

(42:53):
can indoctrinate him. And he's a debate kid who's never off.
Other debate kids who were never off probably get along
with him. So one thing no one denieses that Ted
Cruze was exceptionally good at speech and debate. He won
a bunch of stuff. Here's how The Daily Beast described
his place in that community. Debate weekends included Friday night
parties that Cruise often attended, where he was remembered to
be sort of a stud with girls on the debate circuit.

(43:14):
Princeton debators also said he spent extra time mentoring them
to improve their skills, even though they competed against each
other Ted Cruz, that's nice. Pretty Much everyone, whether they
loved or hated Ted Cruz, agrees that he has not
changed at all since he was a teenager. After graduation,
Ted attended Harvard Law School and pretty much immediately got
into government work. He was the first Hispanic solicitor general

(43:35):
of Texas and also the longest serving Solicitor General of
Texas from two thousand three to two thousand eight. He
argued in front of the Supreme Court a number of times,
including to defend a Ten Commandments monument at the Austin
State Capitol. His proudest moment was arguing Medine versus Texas
before the Supreme Court, which defended the state of Texas
right to execute a Mexican citizen without letting him talk
to his consulate. Imagine that being the the hell you

(44:01):
want to die on. Yeah. Yeah, it's kind of a
complicated case, but that's sort of what it boils down to,
is they didn't inform Ammy at a Yeah. Anyway, it's
my soul skating riv slowly sliding out of you. That's
the Ted Cruise effect. Now, for a long time, cruizes
ambition was to become the Attorney General at the United States.
But rather than getting good with Mitt Romney and try

(44:21):
to wangle a job as Attorney general if he you know,
somehow one in two thousand twelve, Ted Cruz made the
in retrospect wise decision to run for Senate in two
thousand twelve instead one in the primary and that victory
was one of the most stunning upsets of the entire year.
He was essentially swept into office by a wave of
Tea Party sentiment that was still a big deal. Back
in two thousand twelve, he won the general election as well,
and just like that, Ted Cruiz was one step closer

(44:43):
to his dream of becoming the president. Here's young Ted Cruise,
fresh faced, looking good. I mean, that's all very He's
just such a tweet, such a tete. I love the
pictures of Ted Cruiz with a gun because he holds
a gun like someone who's had them described to him before.
That's about it. And he's aware of what they are.
He's aware of what they are. Have you seen him

(45:03):
shoot the bacon? Oh god, yeah, that's a bad one,
so embarrassing. Yeah, where he's trying to cook the bacon,
it's like, what are you like? Wait, and he shoots
it instead. No, no, no, you can cook bacon on
a collash on any kind of gun that has a
long enough exposed like wrap, you wrap the bacon around.
They shoots it and heats it up and then he
eats it. And because he's a real Texan man, I
used to live in Texas and did a bunch of shooting,

(45:25):
and we would for fun. You do stuff like crack
eggs in the receiver of a clashnikov or something, and
you'd like line it with foil and you can cook eggs,
you know, a couple of rounds and the eggs will cook,
and it's like a fun thing drunk people do on
the weekend. Not congressional candidates right to prove you're like
Texan clout like no, Ted, this is no, you're not.
You're not. It's your Canadian and it's fine, be okay

(45:49):
with that. So the next year, after being elected two thirteen,
Senator Cruz made a name for himself in Washington, and
by many accounts, not a good one. One of his
first moments of dominance was arguing against the Women's Health
Protection Act. Crews said that this act, which would have
essentially there was a law in Texas that cut down
by like half the number of abortion clinics that were

(46:10):
allowed to be open in the state by putting a
new restrictions on them. This was a federal act that
was supposed to basically stop that law and stop other
laws like that all around the nation, so that women
could have more access to safe sexual health care and abortions.
Ted Cruz called this a manifestation of a war on women,
and he claimed planned parenthood was unnecessary because there wasn't

(46:30):
a shortage of rubbers is the term he used? Gross?
Really gross? Sex? Have he has weighed in, Ted Cruz
actual sex have her yeah now. In late two thousand thirteen,
Ted Cruz is one of several House Republicans who threatened
the United States UH that they would shut down the

(46:53):
government and refused to pass a new spending bell if
that spending bell included any money for Obamacare. Cruz was
one of the main architects of the shutdown, and he
spoke for twenty one hours in order to help delay
the vote. He read green, eggs and ham on the
Senate floor for a section of this because politics is
serious business. Theoteen shutdown lasted seventeen days and cost the

(47:13):
United States and estimated twenty four billion dollars. Ted Cruz now,
he was not the only Republican obviously, who supported the shutdown.
It's not the only Republican who are getting against the
Women's Health Protection Act. One of the things that stands
out about Ted Cruz is the sheer vitriol, a contempt
that he's held in by other Republicans. It's really the
thing that's remarkable about him, and it seems to have

(47:34):
started with John McCain. So McCain got mifted ted during
that twenty one hour speech he gave arguing in favor
of the shutdown because crews compared Republicans who voted to
approve the Spinning Doll with Nazia peasers. Oh, Ted, you
don't know what you're talking. If you go to the
nineteen forties Nazi Germany. Look, we saw in Britain Neville

(47:55):
Chamberlain who told the British people except the Nazis. Yes,
they'll dominate the continent of Europe, but that's not our problem.
Let's appease them. Why because it can't be done. We
can't possibly stand against them. Not when Neville Chamberlain said
not at all, not at all, would never Chamberlain, Uh part,
for the course, I don't know why, I absolutely not.

(48:16):
John McCain, being a human being who's read a history book,
was offended by this. He considered this inappropriate and shameful,
especially since it was basically calling many Republicans who was
friends with Nazis McCain took to calling Cruiz a wacko bird.
One of McCain's advisers later told a reporter, he fucking
hates crews. He's just offended by his style. In two

(48:37):
thousand sixteen, when Ted Cruz was running for office, you
remember there was a little bit of a controversy over
whether or not he could be president. What the whole
board in Canada. Now, most Republicans were pretty adamant that
Cruz was able to be president. John McCain said he
didn't know the live interview, which is beautiful bit of
John McCain's shade right there. Maybe might be who knows,

(49:04):
John McCain and I fucking hate Ted Cruise. How Speaker
John Bayner, a Republican, called Ted Cruise lucifer in the flesh.
Senaer Lindsay Graham, also a Republican, said in two thousand
and sixteen, if you killed Ted Cruise on the floor
of the Senate and the trial was in the Senate,
nobody would convict you there. It is. When Ted ran

(49:25):
for president in two thousand, fifteen and sixteen, only one
of his fellow congress people would stoop to endorsing him.
Some guy from Utah. His fellow Texan John Cornyn wouldn't
even do it. Yeah. Now, Cruise has been a consistent ticket.
After the ISIS attacks in Brussels in March of two
thousand sixteen, he suggested the government quote patrol and secure

(49:45):
Muslim neighborhoods to stop radicalization. He proposed banning refugees from
Syria almost the incident they started fleeing from there. In
two thousand fifteen, he sought and accepted the endorsement of
Troy Newman, an anti abortion activist who is an anti
abortion activist in the same way that hit there was
an anti communist activist. Newman has called for the execution
of abortion doctors and said that the entire nation will

(50:05):
be quote blood guilty until people start murdering abortion doctors
in the streets. I Think Progress notes that that same year,
Cruz was interviewed and asked if he knew of a
single pro life activist who had ever advocated violence. Ted
Cruz said he did not. Um, what what do you
do on this podcast? If someone is speechless? Usually I

(50:28):
just laugh. That's kind of my my self defense mechanism
is just to giggle, just to giggle at this gargoyle
of a man, and like, it's just I think this
so many times every single day. Just say this to
his face and record it. And then when he says no,

(50:50):
say but Mr Cruz, I have here on my phone.
But we're drawn up. It's right here. We know for
a fact you saw this guy's endorsement out here's things
he said. I'm presenting you with all these facts that
you can read right now. What do you have to
say to that God? It would be nice if there
were some group of people in society whose job was
to speak truth to people in power. It would be

(51:10):
really good if that job existed. Create that job. Did
we just invent a new thing? Yeah? It's like almost
like a fourth branch of government, like a fourth sort
of institution that you look like like in a state
that's not one of the other three. Yeah, you don't
want You don't want one of the three. You want
like a fourth one. We'll circle back around on this.
I feel like we're corroborators, because that's already taken. Could

(51:33):
we just be corroborators? Corroborators the corroborators. Okay, well it's
got your name in it, so that works. We'll circle
back on that there's something there. No one's ever called
me rob and I don't approve of people doing it
in this Roberts thank you. Now. Near the end of fifteen,
right wing gunman Robert Dear murdered three people at an

(51:55):
abortion clinic. You may remember this. One week later, Ted
Cruz claimed in an interview that Christians hadn't carried out
terror attacks and centuries stating this at a rally, President
Obama gave a speech in which he said, yes, Isis
commits terrorist attacks, but so do Christians, and so do Jews.
And then he invoked the Crusades in the Inquisition. Now,
last I checked those in about nine years ago, and
I don't think it's asking too much for the President

(52:16):
of the United States to stay in the current millennium. Now.
Cruise reaction to the Deer shooting is interesting because he
simultaneously shamed the news media for daring to assume that
this massacre at an abortion clinic was a right wing attack,
and he found a way to blame the left for
the murders. His initial statement was that basically he floated
the idea that Deer was a quote transgendered leftist activist

(52:37):
for really no reason at all but to be a dick,
because it's just as plausible that a transgender leftist activist
shot up an abortion clinic as a right wing anti
abortion active. Clearly the same thing. Now, his sliminess during
the two thousand and sixteen primary new no ideological bounds.
At different times during his campaign, Cruise sent out a
photoshoped image of Marco Rubio shaking hands with Barack Obama.

(53:00):
Uh nerve, how dare a member of Congress? My god,
so did you refuse to shake the President's hand for
eight years of shaking? It's just like a normal human
thing to do. Anyway, Ted Cruz sent out a robot

(53:22):
call design to trick Republican listeners into thinking Marco Rubio
supported amnesty. The actual audio of the call was essentially
nonsense in Spanish, but it included the words Marco Rubio
amnestia and immigrassion iligal, so that English speaking Republicans who
didn't speak Spanish but overheard it on the radio would
assume it was a Marco Rubio ad reaching out the
Spanish speaking voters by promising them amnesty is illegal. You

(53:52):
think that would be an illegal kind of thing to do? Yeah,
you would think that would be a crime. That's incredible,
you know what I do think it is. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
I would say so. I love that. Uh. He definitely
never had an answer for that. Yeah, like nobody ever
held him accountable for. He also sent out a robotall
attacking candidate Donald Trump for not supporting the Confederate flag.

(54:15):
The recording started with a clip of Trump saying, put
it in a museum, let it go, and then an
announcer said, that's Donald Trump supporting Nicki Haley removing the
battle flag from the Confederate Memorial in Columbia. Trump talks
about our flag like it's a social disease. That's not
your flag, man, No, it's not. It's the flag of
an enemy we beat. How did I just agree with something,

(54:37):
Donald Trump. That's the amazing thing about Ted Cruiz is
that now we're both sympathetic towards Marco Rubio and Donald
Trump in the space of two paragraphs. Because Ted Cruiz
is that slimmy scare you. Now. Another thing Cruises campaign
did was make a fake Facebook profile for South Carolina
Congressman Tray Goudy, who had endorsed Marco Rubio. They had

(54:59):
their fake out he endorsed Cruise instead and repeal. Now,
the Cruise campaign officially denies they had anything to do
with this, but come yeah, who did it then? Ted Cruz,
guy who has done nothing but the shadiest things. One
of Cruiz's attack ads in the election was even banned

(55:21):
because it basically blamed Marco Rubio for the San Bernardino
terror attacks because he supported immigration reform. It's getting that
man the presidency. This is a guy we need in
the Oval office. Every time Ted Cruz has been on
the campaign trail, his number one advocate has been his father.

(55:42):
Rafael Cruise is a pastor and a fiery speaker who
can say things out loud that Ted Cruise only gets
to think. Here's a brief list of things that Rafael
Cruz has claimed over the years. Number one, the United
States is a Christian nation. Number two Barack Obama is
an outright Marxist who wants to destroy all concept of God.
Number three, Barack Obama should be sent back to Kenya.

(56:02):
Number four, social justice is a cancer. Number five gays
and lesbians are a group of sexual deviance driving the
political agenda in this country. Number six, Barack Obama is
setting up death panels and in two thousand fifteen had
established quote another tyrannical dictatorship with no control by anyone.
You guys, remember when Barack Obama established a dictatorship. I'd

(56:23):
forgotten to thank you for the reminder. Remember, Yeah, it
was really weird because uh we voted for a new president. Yeah. Yeah.
The dictator was like alright, stepped down peacefully and did
everything he could to make the transitions move. Did everything
he could like a dictator, classic Hitler move, making things
easier for the next time. Hate dictator, classic Hitler move

(56:46):
to accept the idea of the next guy. Now. Mother
Jones published an article about Pastor Cruise as wildest Statements
in October two fifteen. This forced Cruises spokeswoman to clarify
that Pastor Cruz did not speak for his son. Then
Mothers found documents that proved one of Senator Cruz's aids
had worked to help Pastor crew schedule his appearances and
booked gigs, including paid gigs, which is probably illegal, but

(57:08):
you know, just enough on the side of deniable that
not much ever happened. It's impossible to overstate how critical
Papa Cruz has been in his son's rise. Ted Cruz is,
as of Americans, seemed to agree a gross, creepy weirdo.
His dad, however, fought against a dictator and survived being tortured.
He's an immigrant hero success store, whereas Ted is just
a kid who is good at debate. On the campaign trail,

(57:28):
Ted claimed that his lifelong desire to quote fight for
liberty had been born out of hearing his dad's stories
of his time as a revolutionary. So that's what we're
going to talk about next for a little while, because
extensive research by The New York Times suggests that these
stories of Rafael Cruz are largely fabricated. Rafael Cruz claims
that he was close comrades with a famous martyred student activists,
Frank Pies, who died months after Cruz claims to have

(57:50):
watched him die. Now. Rafael also claims that he was
given up by a double agent and tortured by the
Batista government. He claims he threw firebombs and blew up
buildings and was in general badass revolutionary. But The Times
talked to numerous Cubans, both in Cuba and in the
United States who were active in the country's rebellion at
the time, and in interviews, Raphael Cruz's former comrades and
friends disputed his description of his role in the Cuban resistance.

(58:13):
He was a teenager who wrote on walls and marched
in the streets, they said, not a rebel leader running
guns are blowing up buildings. Here's the New York Times.
Leonor Aristuche seventy nine, a student leader in the fifties
whom the Castro government later hired to verify the supposed
exploits of revolutionary veterans, said a term existed for people
like Mr Cruz oh Ya Laterro's or wishful thinkers, people
wishing and praying that Batista would fall, she said, but

(58:34):
not doing much to act on it. Now. Leonard is
obviously biased since she works for the government, but The
New York Times also talked to former rebels who now
live in the United States. They were all firm that
Pastor Cruz had vastly exaggerated his part in the revolution.
The truth seems to be that he was busted for
carrying an illegal gun and beat up by the cops,
but was never able to do much more than draw
some graffiti. So if you're all up to date on

(58:56):
American politics. You know that Senator Ted Cruz is currently
running to defend his seat from the Democratic challenger Beto O'Rourke,
who ran up on a skateboard and for some reason recently, yeah,
because somebody gave him one. They're like, it's like, here's skateboard. Oh,
you wanted me to write it. Yeah, I'll be cool.
I'll be I'll be I'll be the cool young candidate. Relatable.
We all skateboard, we were all stateboarders here. It was

(59:18):
a relatable thing to do if he had been running
in Santa Monica, the only place I've seen the skateboard
in the last nine years. So during this election, this
is a very tight race. Obviously, Beto has raised substantially
more money than Ted Cruz, but Ted Cruz is a
Republican with a beating heart in Texas, which gives him
a pretty significant advantage still to overcome. Now. During this campaign,
Cruiz has continued to use his trademark super Gross Slimy

(59:40):
Eelman tactics. The campaign, for example, allows people to volunteer
to send texts and to call voters on behalf of
the campaign. Several Cruise people have apparently infiltrated the effort
as a way to slander Beto God. One of these
infiltrators sent this text message out to random voters. Hi,
it's Patsy here with Betto for Texas. Our records indicate
that you're a supporter. We are in search of volunteers

(01:00:02):
to help transport undocumented immigrants to polling booths so that
they will be able to vote. Would you be able
to support the scrassroots effort? Oh my god? Oh yeah,
that's the good stuff, the stuff. Yeah. People making a
big deal about this because all you can do is

(01:00:22):
just it's just more like it's all he does. I'm sorry,
that's so upset and it's super sleecy. Yeah, just because
like last weekend I was doing canvasing and the very
first thing they said, be respectful to the other people,
don't tear down other people's lines, don't do like this
is we want people to vote. It to be fair. Actually,
we respect each other in a democracy. Just don't like

(01:00:43):
we're not like literal worms. Yeah, like we're not all
chomping at the bit to kill each other. Now, I'm
gonna throw in a little Texan is m here for
the listeners in Texas who are about to go vote
Ted Cruz is oilier than a water burger. Rapper Burger
is really popular in Texas. That new uh link later?

(01:01:05):
Oh yeah yeah, the second was like, yeah, anyway, they
talk about what a burger. Yeah, they talk about what
it's It's a big thing in Texas for reasons that
are inexplicable to people who don't live there. I've seen
the discussions that I just couldn't care less about. No,
you shouldn't, you shouldn't. It's a it's the heat stroke.
We're all of heat strike in Texas and it damages
people's brains. And water Burger that's very popular anyway, water Burger.

(01:01:27):
If you want to support the show, I will recant
my statements about brain damage being the primary driver of
sales to your hamburgers. It's actually the delicious taste. It's
the delicious taste of water Burger. Actually like water Burger.
I don't know why. I'm just I'm just I'm hurt
from the breakup with Derrito's, and I'm just throwing shade
on innocent brands. Yeah, well, that's natural in a normal
part of the healing process, don't you know. What else

(01:01:48):
is natural in a normal part of the healing process.
So now there have been a couple of different variations
on the having members of the Cruise campaign infiltrate the
Beto campaign and send out blatantly illegal text messages. There's
been a few different variations in this tactic. It's debatable
obviously if Cruise had any involvement. I bet you would
debate it really well. I bet he debated very well.
He's a good debater, he's ready. He wanted to debate

(01:02:09):
him about it too. It is worth noting that the
Cruise campaign also sent out fundraising letters to raise money
for the campaign, in an envelope that said summons enclosed,
open immediately and looked like a court summons people who
opened it. It was actually a summons to give the
Cruise campaign money. Uh, something that could backfire? It does?
It does? He actually tried the same thing in two
thousand fifteen, but with a voting violation notice printed on

(01:02:31):
top to make dumb people think they've broken along. Grossest
stuff for Ted or else. You're in trouble, like you
can't be honest about your opponent, you can't be honest
about your own campaign. No it's so disgusting. There's nothing
else to you that all you have is dirty tricks.
It's just like dirty tricks that Richard Nixon would be like, dude,

(01:02:52):
like get a dog and give a speech with a dog.
Don't be fucking don't do this. Ship. It's not even
like it's just like scamming. It's like you're just doing
cammera tax ye to get people to vote for you. Yeah,
it's not even like sometimes you hear about sleazy political
stuff where it's like, well, that's evil, but it's genius, right,
like that that crosses the line a little bit, or

(01:03:12):
like oh that's a little sleazy. No, this is just
like scammer tactics. Yeah, blatantly. It's like he's trying to
sign people from an MLM, but instead he's running for Congress. Yeah.
Now it's unclear at this point who's going to win
at the mid term tex who's gonna who's gonna win
that election. I think everyone listening to this can guess
which side I'm on. I suspect more Republicans than will

(01:03:34):
admit it, but I think everyone's sort of in the
in the camp of like I just don't want to
be involved in our national discourse. I mean the fact
that Beto O'Rourke has closed the gap so much as
pretty remarkable. You know, Win Ted Cruz was arguing the
Women's Health Act thing was a manifestation of a warren women.

(01:03:56):
I was in Austin at that point and marched when
Wendy Davis did her big filibuster, marched on the state
capital with a bunch of friends. I had a concealed
handgun license at that point, and I carried a gun
with me. And when we went to the state capital
to protest, I was with several ladies and they were
searched and had to empty all of the tampons out
of their backs. They couldn't carry tampons into the Texas
State Capital because the guards worried that they would throw tampons.

(01:04:18):
But your gun was I was allowed to take my
gun into the Capital house. Yeah, I could walk in
with a loaded forty caliber. They saw semi automatic, and you, oh, yeah,
I showed it. I showed they saw the guns because
I'm a responsible gun onner. I showed him my license.
I did. Well, you know of women can't be trusted
with tampons, Well, no, women can't be trusted with his tampons,

(01:04:40):
with them shovel off their vagina. Well, if they threw
a tampon, I mean, it is a potential projectile way
deadlier than a forty caliber round traveling at percond That
is bonkers. It's crazy, right, my god. Can you believe
that ship? That is? I mean, I believe it sadly. Yeah.

(01:05:01):
Now it's anyone's guests obviously as to who's going to
win this election no matter what happens, though, I think
the story of Ted Cruise is ultimately quite tragic. He
was raised almost from birth on the very specific ideals
of two different conservative idealogues, Fred Clark and Roland Story.
Both of these men are now dead and most of
their ideals have sort of fallen by the way side,
even in mainstream Republican society. Hence the whole constant expensive

(01:05:21):
wars overseas Ted Cruz. It's almost like he's the political
equivalent of some sort of like AI defense system designed
by an ancient race extinct. Yeah, and then the Aliens go.
There's a Star Trek Next Generation episode called the Lost
Outpost episode four, season one, and in this episode that
the Enterprise and the Ferengi ship get captured essentially by

(01:05:42):
this planet. That's like there's this defense system on it
that was part of an alien empire sixty million years
ago or something that that has since fallen, and the
AI that runs this defense thing doesn't know that the
empire has fallen. That's that's kind of Ted Cruise. Yeah,
full capacity, his systems online. Yeah yeah, still attacking, doing
damage even though, but everyone that wrote the code is

(01:06:03):
like long dead and wrong. Yeah, dead and wrong by tragic.
It is tragic, and I think a really accessible reference
for the great episode. Not a great episode, knows. It
introduced the Ferengi, which we're pretty anti semitic. Yeah, yeah,

(01:06:23):
a little gross, Yeah, little gross there. I mean they're
Ted Cruzy and there they are. It's like a whole
race of Ted Cruizes. Yeah. Now that's all I have
to say about Ted Cruz. Hopefully ever, hopefully better with
Rourke beats him. Yeah, we might never have to talk
about Cruise again. Yeah, we may never have to talk
about again. Or like I like part of the imagine
is like, okay, so he loses the better and then
he's like, oh well, now I'll find my principles and

(01:06:46):
I'll run against Donald Trump. Uh, and I'll try to
primary him because he's a principled man who wants you
to vote your conscience. Like you said that one time
and then totally flipped around. I was. I was at
the RNC and the one moment in my life I
almost had an inkling of respect for Ted Cruz is
when he gave that speech where everyone was expecting to
endure Donald Trump and then he didn't. But then he

(01:07:08):
did it anyway anyway, and it's just so embarrassed. It's
so shameful. Yeah, about your conscience dog just eating that
pile of ship and then needing to do that fake
smile afterwards, like it's not even that he's spineless, and

(01:07:32):
that it's that he's such an absence of spine that
he lowers the bone density of people around. Yeah, and
bringing back that article about his wife and her trying
to spin it positive about stuff, and it's sad and
you can maybe I'm reading between the lines, but I'm
not about her lack of respect, Like she wandered onto
the freeway on ramp one night because she had to

(01:07:52):
give up her career to come do this for him,
And then it was like, oh, a spiritual person on
a Christian retreat, was you put on God to help
your husband all that stuff like that, and that that's
what this article is about. And she's just like, well
like just kind of biting your tongue about her gross,
spineless husband that she can't possibly be attracted to. No, No,

(01:08:14):
I mean, we're not going to go into detail, but
we can all picture what we would think Ted Cruz
would look like during sex. And it's gross. It's gross,
and it's uncomfortable, and I have to imagine it's gross
and uncomfortable for his wife for sure. Oh yeah, it
comes the sex. She did say that he was his moves.
Here comes the sex, going to do a sex at you.

(01:08:39):
He's gonna sex towards you, Ted Cruz. Alright, this has
been behind the bastards. Katie Cody. You guys want to
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(01:09:23):
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