December 25, 2019 • 55 mins
The Daily Zeitgeist presents part 3 of Santa University. Written by Jamie Loftus.
Featuring (alphabetically):
Nick Ciarelli
Chris Crofton
Caitlin Durante
Brad Evans
Maggie Mae Fish
Katie Goldin
Danl Goodman
Miles Gray
Anna Hossnieh
Cody Johnston
Sophie Lichterman
Sunny Loftus-Taylor
Laci Mosley
Jack O'Brien
Katy Stoll
Isaac Taylor
Shereen Younes
Catch up if you haven't heard or don't remember the first two!
Find Santa University Part 1 here!
Find Santa University Part 2 here!
Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.com
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
Hello the Internet, and welcome to yet another episode of University.
Well this isn't even an episode, this is it's an event.
This is an event, an annual tradition now since the
beginning of this whole podcasting universe, where the great Jamie
Loftus loft Dust, I'm sorry Dust blesses us with her
(00:22):
magnum opus. That is an ever evolving script. I will
let her intro the script a little bit more. But
at the very least, we want to give everybody a
Christmas gift because this is it's Christmas Day today, It's St.
Chrispin's Day. It is that's right, Christmas. St Christmins Day?
Was that ever said in something just striping? Uh? Yeah, Mary, Christmas.
(00:43):
We're in a room full of all our most talented friends.
There's like dozens of people here ready to a dozen
people perform for you, all right, sorry man, uh Jamie, Yeah, Hi, Hi, okay.
So thank you guys so much. It's always a Christmas
miracle that you get the script done in time. That
I got the Yeah, I got it done. I think
(01:04):
I had a lead of seven minutes this year, which
is good for new listeners. If you're you know, Rookie
night Gang, Can you please explaining to people what what
this is? What is what is Santa University, what it means,
what's different, what's new? Yes? Okay, So this is the
third year that we're doing Santa University, which is absurd.
Uh So. Santa University is a project that's been very
(01:27):
close to my heart. I've been working on it since
two thousand and twelve. The concept is simple. You know,
we got more Christmas content than ever. This is a
concept that well, we introduced it in song at the
beginning of this one. Prisus a recap, But it's a
five and a half hour long movie, uh, that I
I wrote and I'm continuing to write in pieces. It's
in evolving. It's kind of what was the Kanye album
(01:49):
that he kept changing it and then Jesus's King and
then yeah, I love Donald Trump. It's that I love
Donald Trump? Is that? Uh so this year? Uh there's
yet another chunk that's unsurfaced. Some mud argue it's too long.
We'll see. But it's about Dan Santa played by Miles Gray. Uh.
(02:12):
Dan Santa looks like ship and can't read and that's
the and that's the character. And it's one of the
richest characters in the cannon. And yeah, and luckily that completely.
I also look like ship and cannot read. So I
apologize now when I say lines that aren't written in
your script completely this year. Uh. And it's also so
Santa University is a university where forty Santas get in
(02:34):
every year, only one graduates. The rest are brutally murdered.
Right is also a musical. Uh, So we've heard different
chunks of Santa University. We heard the beginning in the end.
We heard something somewhere in the middle last year. And
this happens specifically in somewhere in hour three. So it's
kind of in like deep in, but you can't quite
(02:56):
see the light out yet. There's the conclusion is very
far away. So there's a lot the new characters, but
also the Santy you characters you know and love. So
I think we should just get started. Let's do it
all right, all right, So I don't I guess we
shouldn't go around. I guess we'll introduce ourselves at the show. Yeah,
there's so many people. So when when we say your name,
(03:20):
please come up and introduce yourself and your part and
your character and your character. So Uh. My, my name
is Jamie Loftus. I'm the author of Santa University. Thank
you so much. Um. And you know it's going to
be produced any year now. Uh. And I'm gonna be
reading the stage directions this year. Hull. Let's let's go
(03:40):
this way. I'm Isaac Taylor and i will be playing
too Many DVDs Santa. I'm Nick Soarelli. I will be
playing Scientists Santa. I'm Jack O'Brien. I'll be playing Dean
and Bean Santa. I'm Miles Gray and I will be
playing Dance Santa. I'm Caitlin Darante and i will be
(04:01):
Goth Santa. Hi. I'm Lazy Mosley and I'll be playing
Detective Santa. Hi. I'm Anna host Ya and I will
be playing gal Santa. I'm Maga made Fish and I'll
be playing Wistful Santa. I'm Katie Golden and I'll be
playing Exposition Santa. I'm Sharne Lannie Units and I'll be
(04:23):
playing Intellect Santa. I'm Brad Evans and I'll be playing
Boring Santa. I'm Dan and I'll be playing the Doomed Elf.
I'm Cody Johnston. I'll be playing metaphorical conjoined twins Santa
one and Knife Santa. I'm Katie Stole and I will
(04:43):
be playing metaphorical conjoined Santa too. SOPHI like Trid and
I'll be playing romance Santa. I'm Chris Crofton and I'm
playing glory Hole Santa. That came on the exact right
order and actually perfect. Okay, so uh it's a bit
(05:06):
of a who done it this year? Exterior Santa University
sometime between three and PM, I will know the difference
as someone tries to cut corners here. We are just
cresting the third act of Santa University. What's going on? Well,
I can tell you one thing. Dan Santa does not
have an Australian accent this year because people didn't like it.
(05:26):
A few, a few thumb Santa's laid dead in the
courtyard while a priest Santa reads their last rites to them.
The killing has started to get so that Santa's are
dying a little faster than the elves. And no, we
will not be dealing with their b plot this year.
Either can bury them in the Santa Killing Fields. A
heavy winter fog hangs over the campus. Never heard of
a winter fog leave me alone. Wistful Santa wanders on
(05:49):
screen looking devastated at hell. She was introduced sometime in
the second hour of Santa University, but that footage has
gone missing, so it's impossible to know a lot of
what she's talking about. And this is a song called
that what happened in Santa University in two seventeen and
two thousand and eighteen. Uh and taking away Whistful Santa.
(06:10):
If anyone wants to add some some background, you know. Yeah,
Dan Santo looked like shit and he couldn't read about
it with the screenplay for Santa University, asked that regroup
for him as a protagonist, and he got into school
was Santas goth gallant cool, but the title university. After
(06:34):
being refused very low level managerial position at LIDS, Dean
Santa said no, no, thank you, Lacy, as you ain't
about snow. It's a brutal school where only one out
of four thousand Santas live each year and the rest
are brought to the Santa killing field. Then he gave
a brochure and Dan Santa said, Sir, save the brochure
(06:58):
for someone else. I still can't read, Okay, So let's all,
let's all seeing this part together. Uh one, Santa skills
its wellstor girls, santos Ko. Wait, now that's you. I'm
(07:34):
so sorry. I'm okay, please, m girl. Santa's fighting for
meaningful inclusion in the script as its primary female character.
She stands a better chance than her friend and looks
Santa because you come from wealth, and but if it's
(07:58):
from nepotism, Oh, Santa University, that's basically all you need
to know. Somehow. There's a second verse, exposition Santa walks
on screen and gives whistpul Santa a meaningful hug. I
guess I know each other. Maybe they'll explain. They look
to camera so it looks like they're going to sing.
The second verse is exposition Santa a good singer, indels
(08:18):
you whisper Santa, I beloved be character that we meet
in the second hour of the film. Exposition Santa is
not a great singer and whispule. Santa knows this, but
she's a good friend and she doesn't point it out.
Then Santa's parents are arrested, and we briefly deferred to
(08:39):
the Elves, who have always been intended to be included
in Santa University, but never are because the author is
rarely able to get more than two out a a
lot of time, and it feels like opening up a
whole being. But we see now my prize and we
(09:01):
meet a bow constructor. Also, I should have clarified that
Dance Santa's parents went to prison after one of the
clowns they met Aunt and the overdosed in their house,
which qualified as man slaughter in this case. Exposition Santa
turns that happened in lesson Exposition Santa turned back to
(09:22):
Whistul Santa and waves for the backing music to turn off,
which it does. A production assistant can be heard off
screen saying, what the fuck, I'm sorry, I'm not feeling
good about the singing part. Yeah, yeah, you can just
say it. Actually, if you want, Exposition Santa's embarrassing should
be what an awful singing voice? Why volunteered to do it?
If they were going to sing like that? They look
(09:43):
back to the camera and rushed through the rest of
the recap. Right, So um, Wistful Santa befriends Dance Santa,
which you think would be have bearing on the plot.
Then it turns out it really doesn't This author has
a tendency to have female characters appear because they feel
like they're supposed to, but doesn't ACTU really know what
to do with them. And shing knife Santa appears with
(10:04):
a large knife and slits both of their throats. And
that's good because that was getting boring. Exterior jingle manner
night title card a Santa University mystery, a big decrepit
jingle manner. Whatever you're picturing, it's that sweet Dan Santa,
Gal Santa, God Santa, and Intellect Santa walk up to
(10:25):
the door. Dan Santa eating a crawler. Dan Santa is
not sure about this. I'm not sure about this. Relax,
Dan Santa, my father, Dean Santa, the Dean of Santa University.
Thank you, Go Santa. Thanks, I'm go Santa. Where did
you get that crowler? Founded on the ground. He throws
(10:46):
his dinner every year at the Jingle Mansion to mark
the halfway point in the school year twenty death Santa's
it really makes you think about how a little time
we have about Okay, Dan Santa has finished the crawler
and doesn't seem to notice he's true on his own hand.
Gal Santa rings the doorbell, and it rings the doorbell
tune Jingle mansion, Jingle, Mansion. It's the mansion. Jingle manchtion.
(11:18):
Bean Santa answers the door to the untrained eye. He
looks just like Dean Santa, but he isn't. He's being Santa.
Gal Santa looks a little suspicious, not sure, are you,
Bean Santa. Uncle Bean Gal throws her arms around him
with an enthusiasm she's never had for her father, who
she considers a coward, not dealt with or paid off
in the blood. I'm not Dean Santa. Dan Santa looks
(11:43):
at him, but he looks just like Dean Santa. That's
not Dean Santa. That's what the action line said, Come
on in, kids, they enter the mansion anyways, I am
being Santa as opposed to my twin brother, who is
Dean Santa. My father Uncle Bean even, I can't tell
the difference between you and my father who is. Oh,
(12:05):
we'll be able to tell you a part if Gal
Santa can't. That will become relevant to the plot starting now.
I'll go find Dean. Bean Santa wanders off, and the
four Santa's head into the main foyer. I didn't know
Dean Santa was a twin. It's a good twist for
the who done it portion of Santa University. In my opinion,
it seems much nicer than Dean Santa. That might not
(12:28):
have been Bean Santa at all. They switched places all
the time. Bean Santa is even worse than my dad.
I've seen him kill non Santas without a second thought.
I am in love with you. So you're saying, there's
two identical Santa's, one mean and one even meaner. He
(12:49):
looks to camera, but it doesn't have the impact he hopes,
because the audience understood it the first time they crossed
into the Jingle Mansion dining room. The Jingle Mansion is
a Victorian disaster. That's it. In oil paintings of Santa's
passed from the exact moment they were killed. One features
a buzz saw making immediate and painful contact with the
santa skull. One shows a head dangling from a neck
like a hangnail. A third is the Santa's head about
(13:11):
to explode from the pressure of being inside a tanning
booth whose temperature is set to a billion. There are
various overdressed Santa's milling about the room eating Christmas snacks
based on puns. There's science Santa, Detective Santa arms, whereas
eyes should be Santa. Who did I not cast that? Oh? Shit? Uh?
Who was who was that? There? You did it too
(13:34):
many DVDs? Santa two thousand two. Santa didn't cast that either, Katie?
Could you do? Yes? Uh? And boring Santa. No one
seems to know each other. Come on, everyone, our names
are on these cards. They go to they go to
their seats at the long dining room table, conscious of
each other because a crime is going to happen soon.
There is a roasted Santa head on the table with
the phrase a crime is going to happen soon spelled
(13:57):
out in cranberries. For years after Santa University is released,
fans will praise this choice as one of the many
subtle foreshadowings Blink and you'd miss it, But there's a
pretty long and close shot on it too. Dan Santa
walks to his seat beside Gal Santa. I was hoping
to sit next to my uncle and not you, Dan Santa,
but you're the love interest of Santa University. I'm going
(14:20):
to get out of this place someday, and God Santa
points to Dan Santa's name card, which we can't see. Wow,
Bean Santa was pretty hard on Dan Santa on the
name card. Sticks and stones may break my bones, but
I cannot read, so it's impossible to internalize the insult.
It says, ugly sit here, Oh that's nice. Not nice.
(14:41):
Dan Santa internalizes it. We cut back to the roast
with the cranberry spelling. A crime is going to happen soon.
Just in case you missed it, the first time, Bean
Santa and Dean Santa entered together in identical sweaters beaming
We're either being or Dean Santa. And now for tonight's entertainment,
they get ready to launch into a song and the
guests have a physical response too many DVD Santas throws
(15:03):
up into his Blu ray case for Whiplash. Science Santa
sticks his head inside of the roasted Santa head to
help blot out the noise. Gal Santa is crying as
this song conjures terrible memories from her childhood that Santa
University doesn't have the time or interest to unpack. The
song is called they should have just called one of us,
means Santa and Jack, I didn't I didn't write words.
(15:26):
So if you could just take it away, do you
four minutes the best improviser in the room here to
improvise a four minute long song called They should have
just called one of us means Santa, but instead they
called us Dean and Bean Santa. Good so far, and
(15:47):
I could just repeat that for four minutes. You just
want to move on. Imagine it's it's foremous. You have,
everyone's fucking exhausted. The twins complete their song. Everyone's visibly
upset and annoyed. Either Dean or Bean shrugs. Well, back
to the glory Hole. He skips upstairs, and we hear
glory Hole Santa in the distance. He loves his job
(16:10):
back so soon, goody. The other Bean, Dean Santa sits
at the table, a little out of breath, no applause,
intellect Santa is not thrilled with this storyline. I have
to say, I'm getting pretty tired of all these white
guys insisting a playing twins. It's exhausting. Well, it's a
good thing you're not writing the movie Standing University, then,
(16:33):
isn't it is that you? Uncle Bean? Does it matter
either way? We are horny for each other in a
vague and complicated way. Yes, can you tell us why
we're here? Excellent question, Josephine, Let's introduce ourselves. Was that
glory hole Santa back there? I'm surprised he's still alive,
I said, introduce yourself. Scientist Santa trembles as Bean Dean
(16:57):
points a gun at him. Detective San that has a
notepad out and scribbles in it as the others argued.
Two thousand to Santa, rolls her eyes. You're full of shit,
either Bean or Dean. Santa, stay out of this. Two
thousand to Santa, Hi, I'm two thousand to Santa, I'm scientists.
Santa been studying whether thirty nine thousand nine Santas need
to die every year after all women have gone too
(17:19):
far to answer your question, scientists, Santa, that was glory Hole. Santa.
He came with the house. I'm sorry, but it's two
thousand two. Santa even allowed to be in here. He
was supposed to be killed with her ten year of
Santa up in two thousand and two. Who are you arms?
Where his eyes should be? Santa? Hi, I'm arms or
his eyes should be? Santa. I personally don't trust glory
(17:41):
Hole Santa's one stole my Blue ray of Drive right
in the middle of my Glory Hole session last year
for the last time. Too many DVDs. Santa, you told
him he could borrow it when you were on math.
Well he got Calm on my Blu ray. Please stop
playing Calm. I'm about to come. I'm feeling lost to see.
If new characters don't worry about it, there's no way
(18:03):
they're going to live until next act. You to the
format of this the part of this movie, Glorial Santa
is a valued member of our family. He's been sucking
my family off. Sorry, he's been sucking my family off
for generations. It's true. Glory Hole Santa has been sucking
everyone who has ever lived in the Jingle Mansion at
a competitive race since Santa University opened. Gloryal Santa and
(18:25):
the other Bean Dean Santa can be heard gallivanting in
the background. More I'm a professional, just the one tooth
will do yea god. Santa shakes his head, which is
slightly less important to us than that of the protagonist
Dan Santa, Although if you think about it, isn't it
really gal Santa's story. I'm just kidding. That's what writers
(18:47):
say when their movie with a male protagonist lets a
female character do something for one. I only thought Mad
Max was okay, but maybe I just don't like steampunk culture.
Grow up. I don't think it's right to imprison a
glory hole Santa like that. My father was a glory
whole Santa. A pause. He looks to Detective Santa, who's
been taking notes this whole time. She isn't taking notes anymore.
(19:08):
Are you going to write that down? No? I'm not
particularly interested in the background story of your character. What
I want to know is either being or dean Santa
is why you and your brother invited us here to
and I I thought you might. Detective Santa the reason
(19:30):
I too many DVD Santa's points to boring Santa. Wait,
what about that Santa? Everyone looks to boring Santa. He's
deeply boring, but it's kind of tall, which is enough
for a lot of people. They're all in love with
him right away. Hey, regardless of sexual orientation, everyone loses
their ship Tall. We had a thing. In spite of
(19:52):
my superior judgment, I would die for him. Ah huh.
They all snap bad it. But man, boring Santa there's
something about him. As I was crying, I mean saying,
Bean or Dean Santa, whichever you are, why are we
all here a ton I, It's simple, Detective Santa. While
(20:13):
the person hired to play my character would normally play
one part, he learned that if he played two with
half the effort, he would make more money. I suspected
as much. Intellect Santa stands furious, don't you see, well,
it can't be that many famous white actors that have
done this. Intelec Santa doesn't even need to think about it.
Come on, Paul Rudd, James Franco, Zach often Accause McGregor
(20:36):
Tom Hardy, an unentitled seth rogue project that can't be right.
I assure you these are all from the past five years.
Just off the top of my head. What's the thinking
behind it? I mean, why give screen time to a
person of color or a woman when you can just
have a lukewarm performance from James Franco, a known specual
predator twice Wow. In the background, you can hear Glory
(20:56):
Hole Santa at work and either Dean or Bean Santa,
who has moning in ecstasy. It really takes you out
of the point that intelecx Santa is making, which if
you think about it for even a second, actually has
legs to it. Rommy Malick, No, he hasn't played twins.
He is a twin right, women don't play twins ever? Well,
the used tune the eighties and the nineties. But since
(21:18):
famous men found out that they can get paid extra
for doing getting not as much, it's like podcasting in
that way, are wild? What about Vanessa Hudgen I think
that past the Bechtel test silence, everyone at the table
looks up to either Dean or Bean Santa, a little
shocked at the sudden intensity. Intelecxanta breeze an internal side
of relief she had totally forgotten. Vanessa Hudgens played Twins
(21:40):
and the Princess, which just last year. But given that
it's a low budget TV movie versus prestige TV and film,
the point is still a solid one. Maybe let's say
she's right. The true reason you're all here, in addition
to creating additional acting work for established wet actors in need,
is because you've all got a bone to pick with
the Santa You administration. Almost as if it were pre planned.
(22:00):
It is a feature film that has gone through fourteen
hours of pre production. Music begins to play as Glory Hole.
Santa continues to wail in the background in ecstasy, becoming
syncopated to accompany the Broadway beat that at the beginning
another song in Santa University. Yeah, you fucking idiot. There's
sixty three songs in this show. Uh this song, I
mean it can go however you want. This is called
(22:23):
an explicit statement of motives. To save some time. As
their verse begins, every Santa conveniently addresses the camera with
their appropriate vague amount of suspicion. Some of them are
stupid and appear more or less suspicious than they should.
Which one's not my business. I'm a Santa detective with
the history of messing up my cases and was solely
(22:45):
caught by Bean. I'm a scientist Santa who is doing
an experiments that the Bean and the Dean think isn't
keen Midnight. I'm Rs wears eyed me Santa, and I
think the Dean SAIDs bad optics. I think he's a
chad and he choked dip. I have too many DVDs.
(23:10):
I was in Santa You last year and since then
I purchased Avenger's End Game on Blu Ray. My personality
is d v d's. It was two thousand and two
when I became the true Santa, and I lived many
years longer than Dean said. He was mad. He said, hey, Santa,
(23:31):
is only the year and if you try to challenge me,
then they're dead. I don't know what to say. I
am boring, but I'm tall, so I get fucked a lot.
People mistake my height for being interesting. I am not.
Don't tell Dean. Dan Santa interrupts the song to wax
(23:52):
poetic about nothing as usual. The melody he improvises badly.
I'm Daniel Santa, just kidding. My full name is Dan.
I look like ship and can't read. This part of
the movie is hard for me. I won't die. Suspense
is low. The regular music starts again abruptly, as if
(24:14):
the production itself was bothered by Dan Santa's introduction. I
am either Dean or Bean Santa. I'm an actor who's
playing two roles. I have two roles. Look at me.
The song ends, which is well timed because the crime
is about to take place anyways. The lights go out
in the room and everyone panics. A screen comes from somewhere.
(24:37):
It's either Bean or Dean, hard to know us. Both
are played by Jack. The lights are out for a
full hour for the first season. For the first few minutes,
there's some rustling in general upset, but it quiets down
after a little while. Around minute four, we hear is
anyone asleep yet? Yes? Twenty more minutes passed and we
(24:58):
still have not turned the lights back on. There's a
sound of a couple kissing footsteps above and below the room,
but for the most part, everyone stays still. The distant
sound of bony ver is in someone's headphones, and someone's
mutters something about it not being anymore. Get over, Dance Santa,
Is that you kissing my dreams? It is Dance Santa.
You're the funniest person I know. Thirty minutes after this,
(25:22):
Detective Santa speaks up, is anyone going to turn the
lights back on? Oh? My god, my bad. The lights
come back on and everyone panics, says they realize either
Dean or Bean Santa has been killed and cold fucking blood,
and he's laying in a pool of his own blood,
which is solid. He's been murdered in every conceivable way.
He's been drawn and corded. He's got a harpoon in
his gut, he's been jingle whips to death. And a
(25:44):
fourth thing too, Dad means Santa. God, Santa whispers to him.
It's Bean Santa, right. The Detective Santa tries to calm
the crowd in spite of the fact that she's a murderer,
just getting too early to know cast of Santa University
lex in order to save time, they do so immediately.
We have to keep this moving. Someone here has killed
(26:06):
either Bean or Dean Santa. And given that, I am
Detective Santa, I did it. Oh the Bean Dean Santa,
who is not dead, enters looking like he just came.
He did. What a gas. That's the only thing, the
only thing that could bring me down today is if,
oh my god, if your brother was murder in cold blood.
(26:28):
I was gonna say if bones was canceled. He was
canceled Bean or Dean Santa. Oh my god, brownie face pause.
I did not do it. I just wanted the attention.
Too many DVDs, Santa throws up in the blue ray
of Looper. He never shuts the funk up about Gal
Santa pleadingly goes up to the remaining Bean Dean Santa,
(26:49):
who stares at his brother's body emotionless, God, is that
you Gal? Due to the sensitive jingle nature of the situation,
I I am not comfortable saying. Gals in uriated and
Bean Dean Santa looks up to the rest of the
cast of Santa University. Who is your least favorite cast
member so far? Don't be shy, I I'm glad he's dead.
(27:10):
Detective Santa begins pacing as she sucks his things out. Unfortunately,
she's not watching where she's walking and starts tracking the
blood of Bean or Dean Santa across the carpet, destroying
any useful evidence. That would be very interesting. Indeed, if
you were being Santa and wanted to take your brother's job,
or if you were Dean Santa to finally see your
brother receive his come upance for his crimes perpetrated as
(27:32):
the Boston strangler, he did it. I couldn't have done it.
I was getting sucked off by glory Hole Santa. Glory
Hole Santa yells his head off in the distance. Hello, Guardeous,
someone should call the police. Bring Santa Wood the police
before they can figure out who trust cops. A Santa
cop person to the room in full uniform. The general
vibe is you, we don't really want them. There did
(27:54):
so many report crime arms, whereas I should be. Santa
instinctively throws a hatchet at Santakov's head and kills him instantly.
No one is especially bothered. Did you know that cops
legally have to say did somebody report a crime? When
they enter a room? You're literally so smart? Also as
I feel I have fallen into the background a little,
who are you again? Uh? Hi, I'm scientist Santa. I
(28:15):
need to go get some air. Bean Dean Santa heads
for the door towards the Santa shed and a beat
plot that is sure to be a breath of fresh
air for everyone. Oh my god, he left in the
middle of my sentence. Just say what you need to say, scientists, Santa,
I think we should split up and look for clues.
I was going to say that time two thousand and two, Santa,
by the way, interior Jingle shed day, Let's try out
(28:36):
that b plot is one of the sheds behind the
Jingle Mansion and Romance. Santa and Doomed Elf french each
other passionately. Soon one of them will die and you'll
never guess who doomed Elf. I will always love you,
Romance Santa. It cannot last. You are one of the
final twenty three thousand Santas here at Santa University. There's
(28:56):
no way you'll live to see the end of the year.
It seems un likely by speaking as Dan Santa is
the protagonist. Doomed Delf costs a little and blood comes up.
It's elf blood though, so it's a strawberry shake. But
it's said, also, I have elf tuberculosis. Didn't they cure
elf tuberculosis? Yes, but Dean Santa won't allow the vaccine
(29:17):
on campus. It's a b plot to Santa University that
was included in earlier drafts that was later abandoned, except
for this scene where it is inexplicably appears. Dean Santa's
an Elf Anti vaxer. Oh right, Dean Santa and his
brother Bean, who only appears in this section of Santa University.
We haven't seen him in a while. Being Dean Santa
opens the door to the shed, smiles and ways, I'm
(29:39):
right here, hi, Bean or Dean Santa. Bean. Dean Santa
grabs a harpoon gun hanging on the wall and leaves
the shed. Romance Santa and Doomed Delf resumed their conversation
as I was saying, being or dean Santa is killing us.
Why don't you just say anything to him? Just now?
I'm shy. What are the vaccines made of? Due to
the fact that we are the only vaccine is cookies. No,
(30:01):
it could be persuaded to change cookies to hot dogs.
It doesn't matter, doom Delf, I will love you to
the very end. Fade too. Very raunchy sex scene. Note
this scene has to be absolutely debauched and fucked up.
Their bodies due to the culture of death at Santa University,
are covered in sores and boils. However, it is a
(30:22):
gorgeous consensual love scene. They're not particularly adventurous, but a
lot of people in the crowd will be titilated. Trying
to spell this weird five times, I kept sucking it
up by the sheer difference in size between doom Delf
and Romantic Santa. Doomed Delf pops one of Romantic Santa's
back penals. Really think about how that might look. This
scene should be two minutes long. But feel like twenty viewers.
(30:46):
Viewers would think, how could God exist in a world
in which this sex scene takes place. Romantic Santa and
doom Delf lay in a pile of stinky bliss. Their
flesh reeking of recent coitus is terrible. Doom Delf seems
have said, I'm dying man, Santa, Yes, doom Delf dies,
confirming the suspicions of many Dean Santa climbed through the
(31:06):
window and speaks to camera, well, I hope everyone enjoyed
this little b plot. On with the show snaps Romance
Santa's neck, we returned to the Jingle manner dining room.
Detective Santa is examining a mutilated body a little closer
as Boring Santa behaves both hot and suspicious. Anything you're
looking for, specifically, Detective Santa detectives Santa looks up. She's
(31:27):
a career driven woman who doesn't have time to funk.
But for a man this boring, she's honestly a little flustered.
Just the stant of stuff. Boring Santa lacerations, curses, goop.
I like to get a little taste of the scene.
In an attempt to alert Boring Santa She takes a
long slurp of Dean or Bean Santa's blood while locking
eyes with him. It's working boring. Santa is interested and
(31:56):
he leads suspects. Heleans in closer towards detectives does blood
stained professional mouth. I have ruled out no suspects. Oh
my god, born guys can do whatever they want as
long as they're tall. It's not fair. Interior Jingle Basement.
Gal Santa and Dan Santa wander through the labyrinth of
tunnels beneath the Jingle Mansion. Gala is frantically looking for clues,
(32:18):
and Dan Santa is moving slowly and generally making things difficult.
He is the underdog, but at this point in Santa University,
everyone's just about had it with him. I hate being alive.
That makes sense. You're not good at it. Focus, Dan Santa.
The murderer could have hitten a weapon down here or
something during the hour where I should have turned the
lights on. But Gal Santa, it's like three hours in
(32:39):
the movie Santa University, and all my efforts to wear
you down have been from nothing. You're not worn down
at all. Gal Santa finds a gun on the ground
with fresh, bloody handprints, then kicks it and walks by.
Too obvious, I don't have time for this dance, Santa.
Either my father or my uncle is dead, and either
my father or my uncle doesn't care about it. How
many times do I have to tell you you look like?
(33:00):
Before she can state the obvious? Dan Santa's looks in
literacy are completely unchanged since moment one they bump into
the metaphorical can Joined Twins Santa's. The metaphor is that
what binds them is the oppression of poverty and being
pushed to the margins of Jingle society their entire lives.
But this will not come across at all in the performance.
Who Dares cross the Jingle Labyrinth? Dan Santa? Can you
(33:23):
handle this? She walks off to go in her hero's
journey That Santa University has no interest in It's scals
Stanta's story, though, And don't let anyone tell you differently?
How long have you been here for? I can join
twins look into the near distance wistfully. How long has
it been now? Christine can joined twin two lifts of
her pant like and counts of scabs on her shin
nine scabs. Christopher that means fifty years. The university told
(33:48):
us if we came above ground again, we would be vaporized.
But we send smoke signals up it'll be up here
since you're here, Like, would you mind affirming that I
am entitled? Like the love of Gala Santa. Like through song,
twins look at each other. This is their only chance
for escape. With all due respect, we really need someone's
help getting out of the movie. Santa University doesn't care
(34:11):
about the plight of the longer press conjoined twins, and
the music begins to play. I look around and dread
as Dan Santa begins to clap his big stupid hands
a song just for him. The song is called You're Okay. Note.
As a conjoined twins go through their routine against their will,
we can see that the dancing causes them a lot
of pain. It turns out they're dancing on glass. You're
(34:35):
not so bad. You'll wear her down. You're thedagon. It's out,
You've got the crown. Take it from us from underground,
we can validate you. Make you feel profound. Keep dancing,
step on the glass. They sing the next part in
a bridgee quick listing format. Not exactly we didn't start
(34:56):
the fire, but that's about as close as I can think.
Show your look like shit and you can't even read,
but you've got two hands and you still can't read.
And you've got a nice smile. Awake, just saw it.
I take it back. You've got a nice sat a
nice hat, the kind of smells dance and by catch
we mean not including look, skills, money or personality. We'd
(35:17):
love to tell you about how we got stuck down
here many years go. When the dance is angry, they
should be singing about him. I don't care about your
predicament they had. They head into a very painful finale.
Don't worry. We're in a lot of personal pain. But dance,
(35:38):
You're okay the song. The song ends, and Dan Santa
is flying high from the emotional labor. He subjected these
characters too, although it would appear that it's they who
could use the reassurance. The conjoined twins are miserable. You
know what you are, right, conjoined twins. I am sexually
appealing now if you please checkerless from this wall. The
(36:00):
twin who I give a name earlier, but let's be honest,
they're poor, and who cares reveals that he and his
sister have been shackled to the wall of the tunnel
this entire time. Gal Santa comes back with a rock.
I found a rock. Gal. I'm in love with you,
Dan Santa. I am completely disinterested in you in the movie.
This means I have a chance. They take the rock.
(36:21):
They take the rock, which Gal thinks is a clue,
but honestly, in what world would that be a clue?
And they run in the opposite direction of the conjoined twins.
Neither Gal Santa nor Dan Santa would ever think of
the twins again, confront their own privilege, or grow as people.
The twins would go on to live for five hundred
years or ten scabs. I hate to admit it, but
(36:43):
I'm rooting for Dan Santa. Interior jingle pantry, go Santa,
intellect Santa, and aren't whereas I should be. Santa follow
some bloody footprints into the pantry, which is a pretty
gentle way to describe a room full of frozen Santa
body parts. I thought they just said the Santis into
the fields and no one give it turns them into chowel.
You can see that. I thought you had arts rights, right.
I forgot that beautiful performance. God Santa nos on the
(37:07):
arm of a deceased stand up comedian. Santa is for
the best. It ain't half bad, I'll tell you that.
Suddenly the kitchen door slams behind them into e Santa
runs to it and jiggles the handle. It's locked. It's locked.
She jiggles it again. It opens. Oops, No, it wasn't well.
I guess that's it for the scene. It's nothing personal.
(37:27):
Santa University starts recording, and literally six minutes interior jingle
Attic two Santa and too Many DVD. Santa's example examines
a creaky old attic Philip with sign headshots of either
Bean or Dean Santa that no one wanted but he
mailed to everyone on their birthdays. Two to Santa looks
through them and discovers a hatchet covered in blood. She
picks it up. I think this is worth showing the detective.
(37:50):
Too Many DVD Santa completely steam rolls her a DVD
copy of Blade Runner sticking out of his back pocket.
Oh we can hear two thousand two sets his inner
monolog as she sifts through an impossible number of head shots.
I've never watched Barton Fink. I'm never going to watch
Barton Fink, even if Barton Fink is good. Everyone who
(38:11):
has ever recommended it to me smells like salt and
vinegar chips too many DVD. Santa persists getting closer to
her as she ignores him, as if that could possibly
be the problem. Something interesting about Barton Fink is that
came out two thousand two. Santa's eyes glaze over and
a soft piano ballad begins to play as her innamal
inner monologue begins to sing song. If another cheeto finger
(38:35):
dipshit tells me to watch Barton Fink on DVD, then
so help me. I've never trusted men with too first
names to bonus content on Blu Ray if you ever
want to come over And the scene is mercifully cut
short by a loud shot coming from downstairs, followed by
another scream from Jack Jingle Mansion dining room. Everyone run
(39:00):
back into the Jingle dining room to find that Bean
Dean Santa has also been killed. There's a hole in
the ceiling from where the body fell, meaning it must
have happened on the second floor. How many floors are
in the mansion, Let's say six, The freshly killed Bean
or Dean is now in a puddle of goop. It's
a little funny to look at. Gal Santa looks on
in horror. That can't be possible. One of them has
to live. Dean Santa appears in the climactic scene of
(39:22):
Santa University The Big Game. Detective Santa starts pacing with
authority again, this time just walking on top of the corpses. Nevertheless,
both Bean and Dean Santa are dat and splitting up
has not advanced the plot, not even a little. Who
(39:42):
do you suspect, Detective Santa? Interesting you ask day in Santa.
I'm Dan Santa. But first we have to cut away
to one more bee plot scene taking place in another
area Interior Santa Dog room. Dog Santa sits with knife Santa. Hello,
dog Santa, Doc Santa, just this there. What's he gonna do?
(40:04):
He's just a dog, cute dog, nice guy. Hi, send
dog Santa. I wanted to apologize for how I behave
the other day. Not with the knife. Doc Sanda is
just sitting there because he's a dog. Script note dog's
penis must be visible. Thank you. I totally understand silent treatment.
It's like, I'm knife Santa. That's scary. I didn't choose
(40:28):
that for myself, but that's you know, it's kind of
my lot in life. I'm sure I see these other
Santa's and get jealous. I'd kill to be peepe Santa,
or dead tooth Santa or a third stupid thing. But
I'm knife Santa. I got a knife. I'm sorry I
pull the knife on you. The dog stands as if
(40:48):
he's going to say a line. He goes to the mic.
He's gonna tell a knife Santa, off man. This dog
is gonna tell him good. Say go sunny, Sunny. This
is it. This is the sunny, Sunny Sunny, and see
(41:22):
the whites of his eyes, Jesus Christ. Suddenly the dog
remembers he's a dog, and now while he does not
look like ship, he cannot read. The dog explode because
the dog actor can't read. Everyone booze him as he leaves.
The ship's bad all right. Back to the Jingle Mansion,
(41:46):
Detective Santa looks at the suspects with smug satisfaction. She
knows exactly who did it, but this is a really
long part where she doesn't say so for a while.
If you start to lose interest just thinking about the
dog scene we just did. That was fun. I know
exactly who killed both Dean and Bean Santa. No one
here lacks motive or in Santa raises his hand. I
(42:07):
think it could be argued that I do. But there's
only one Santa that could have committed the crime. The
first Santa, either Bean or Dean, appears to have died
of being drawn and quartered. At first, I thought arms
whereas eyes should be Santa arms whereas I should be
should put his eye arms in the air. A note
for all actors. Everyone playing a suspicious Santa will need
(42:28):
to come up with their own reason of why they
are innocent. Is really hard to write these, and I
overestimated my ability to do it. And I couldn't always
think of a really a good motive. So if you
have to give a reason for why you're innocent, uh,
you know, just just do it yourself. It couldn't have
been me. I was masturbating on the subway. That's good reason.
(42:51):
And who are you? Which Santa? Arms where you're should
arms where Santa? That's true, arms where you're I should
be Santa. That reasoning is completely sound. Then what about
scientists Santa. She's on a mission to cut down Santa's casualties,
a decision brothers directly opposed. How would that make sense?
(43:13):
I was doing science and I couldn't have done it. Um,
I'm I'm good, not bad. I thought the exact thing.
But then, okay, too many DVDs. Santa Dean and Bean
Santa were both outspoken about Bennette Miller being overrated. Who
the hell is that he's a patriotic filmmaker, not a
(43:33):
nationalistic one. Sounds boring and it couldn't have been me.
I was, uh, looking at the dog on the plexiglass ceiling.
True enough, I considered that maybe God Santa, but he's
a pleasant ways and then there's boring Santa. But I
(43:53):
love you really No, but I'm tall. I couldn't have
done it. I was busy bonking my tall head on
different pipes and door frames. It's true, Dean is too
sexy and tall and I have a crush on him
to have done it. And then I found this. She
pulls aside a convenient curtain to reveal a lever and
(44:15):
a sign that says pulling his lever will drawing quarter.
Either Dean or Bean Santa instantly. But then again, whoever
pulled the lever may not have known that it would
happen if they had pulled it. That's ridiculous. The sign
clearly states that pulling the lever would kill someone instantly,
so who among us would do something so flagrant, so performative.
(44:36):
It's almost as if they wanted it to happen to
either Dean or Bean Santa as revenge for what would
have happened to them in two thousand and two if
they hadn't escaped the death at Santa's penalty. Everyone turns
to two. It couldn't have been me. Two thousand and
two is the same numbers forwards and backwards. It's true
(45:00):
two thousand and two. Santa couldn't have taken the risk
of killing Dean or Bean Santa unless she was absolutely
sure who it was, or her cover as a fugitive
would have been blown. So someone saw the sign and
decided to ignore it unless she paces back and forth
that Santa couldn't read it. I don't think that was
(45:24):
the proper use of unless aren't you his eye should be.
Santa re enters the room with a large, heavy bag
with a corpse in it. Gal. Santa panics, what's that? Oh? Sorry,
I just try to look in the back ship. I
thought we could snack on it. He dumps Doomed helps
corpse out of the bag. Everyone laughs, Oh, that's very
thoughtful of you go to the kitchen and cut him
(45:47):
in the giangles. This is a nice house and we
need to act the coordinating I even love with you.
There's no time, carners Dan Santa, who looks terrified. Dan Santa. Hi,
I'm Dan Santa. He's got as good of a motive
as anyone disagrees with the rules of Santa University, so
(46:08):
knocking Dean sent off would help. Intimidated by the raw
sexual energy being Santa radiated to the love interest in
Santa University a movie that he Tita, Santa looks right
into the camera, is the protagonist of arms, whereas I
should be. Santa re enters with the chopped off doomed
delf and everyone snacks on his remains throughout the remainder
(46:29):
of the scene. Remember his sex scene earlier. Gross Suddenly
it's starting to make sense. And then I thought of
either Dean or being. Santa's final words, don't do it.
It hurts and I believe maybe that wasn't what he
(46:50):
said at all. Maybe Dean or Being Santa was announcing
his killer, and that killer looked like shit. I couldn't
even read Gos. Santa leans over to Dan Santa, concerned,
Dan Santa, did you commit the Santa murder? I'm starting
(47:10):
to think I'm guilty as hell. Go Santa looks disappointed,
then perks up. I guess that's okay. It seems like
a strange thing for us to harp on when we
all commit multiple murders a day, that being part of
the premise of the movie I'm in love with you,
You're not, oh right? I forgot you can wit at
(47:32):
the murders, Dan Santa, How could you? I am, Scientist Santa.
Detective Santa is very pleased with herself. It was you,
Dance Santa. You killed both Being and stop the wedding
glory Hole Santa enters for the first time. He's visibly
covered in the common blood of both Dean and Bean.
(47:54):
Santa and whichever ordered that ended up checking out and
as the phase of a man who wasn't seen the
light of day and years. Detective Santa is shocked Dan
Santa didn't kill both Bean and Dean Santa. I don't know.
A strong case was made. That's right, it was me. Damn,
I thought it was me. Everyone looks at Detective Santa.
(48:18):
She and Dan Santa are clearly the only people in
the room who are surprised at this reveal. I uh,
it couldn't have been you. Glory Hole Santa. You were
in the glory hole. The glory hole time. Detective Santa
pauses for laughs, but no one gets it. Intellect Santa
steps forward. It was glory Hole Santa. You knew. Intellect
(48:40):
Santa justice to everyone dramatically, knocking over a glass, but
she plays it off. Okay, we all knew. I didn't,
except for Dan Santa, who's too stupid to be included.
I've been planning it for years. We see what he's
describing as he does, I don't have time to get specific.
Right now, we start recording. Santa and Versity in one hour.
(49:02):
Sucked the Santa University administration off, day in and day
out for generations. Cowardly Santas who were too afraid of
dying in a horrifying and unnecessary way to even unroll
in their own school. Don't talk about my father that way.
That it's true, you're right, and I'm glad he's dead.
Continue And one day when Dean Santa shot a student
(49:24):
at his office for saying Dingle class instead of Jingle Class,
I decided I'd had enough. Why did you hate Bean Santa?
Because he took away my dental insurance, and that's the
insurance of glory hole Santa needs the most. So I
hatched a nigg no a n egg, and that egg
grew up to be he looks to boring Santa, who
gives up the ruse and rushes to embrace his com stain,
(49:47):
Daddy Daddy be. I still think I did it, though,
And as my son grew up to becoming aspiring Santa himself,
I had him use his newfound charisthma as at tall
reasonably symmetrical man. I wouldn't say charismatic, but there is
something about him to recruit other students to carry out
(50:09):
my brand and create the distraction of vaguely themed dinner
in order to give me the time to murder the brothers.
They were all in on it, except, as I stated,
dance Santa, who was never gonna cut out. Everyone walked
talks among themselves for a second. Did that make sense.
Was there a plothole that makes this completely infeasible? Point
out what you think is flimsy is about the conclusion.
(50:30):
I think it worked out, okay, hearing it all out
in a row and I'm relieved. Wow, I'm like innocent
as well. I think that solves your case, Detective Santa.
And by the way, the jokes on you prison makes
me harny, My man, you are next level. Detective Santa
looks around at all the plotting. Santa's gal looks at
(50:51):
her father's corpse. I honestly didn't think killing him would
be permanent as he is in the climactic scene of
Santa University, that being the big game. Oh well, maybe
I can hire a task rabbit to replace him. Glory
Holsanta and Boring Santa are doing a complicated father son handshake.
When Detective Santa approaches him, Glory hold Santa. That still
(51:12):
doesn't answer one question, why am I here? I was
waiting for you to ask, Marie. Detective Santa is shocked
another twist, how did he know her non Santa name?
Glory Holsanta wipes the coming bloy from his face. There's
a lot of it. It takes several minutes. Antellect Santa
(51:33):
happened to have some wet naps on her, which moves
the process along a little. After about six minutes, Detective
Santa gasps with recognition, glory Hole, my brother, I thought
you died in the glory Hole. Santa hugs her the
(51:54):
jingle wars, I know, but I escaped Marie and I
started a new life for myself and the glory Hole
Auntie to take to. Santa thinks about it for a second.
She has sex with him. You knew I was your aunt.
Let's get away from Maria boring Santa scientists. Santa is
(52:15):
building a new society away from here, and everyone is invited,
except for the four characters from Santa University who are
in the remainder of the movie. Oh Shit. Everyone is
happy and heads for the door, stepping over Dean Bean
and the cops corpses before they connect it Cool Santa.
Remember him. He's appeared in Santa University in twenty seventeen
and eighteen as Deal Santa's jock boyfriend. Hey Gil, Sanda,
(52:38):
check this out. He takes out a flamethrower and torches
everyone in the scene who is in Dan Santa, Gal Santa,
Intelexanta or Gas Santa. They all die instantly. I lived.
It does appear that the massive amounts of calm have
preserved Glory Hole Santa. However, he is torched a second
time and dies immediately. The gang is horrified, and Cool
(53:00):
Santa is thrilled. How would you like that, Gil Santa.
I cannot articulate my feelings, and so I do ship
like that, Cool Santa, I from the rebel either Dean
or Bean Santa sits straight up. I forgot I'm in
the final scene, He gets up and doest himself off.
Get back to class, kids. Oh no, I'm late for
jingle class, Dan Santa, you are wild. The whole gang
(53:23):
sings the theme to Santa University. The ghosts of the
characters we have come to know and love, or at
least sort of recognize the names of. At this point,
soar to heaven. Let's all sing it together, Gang Santa,
Santa Santa. Every year Santa has come here, even though
(53:44):
it means they may die. But just because my cost
your life doesn't mean you shouldn't try. You think there'd
be a better bedding system, but there's not. Betray your
friends and bring your own knife or my name isn't goth.
You think it would be easier to have more than
one Santa Guy, and you'd be right. And the job
(54:07):
is too much, which is why I'll Santa's die relatively
cast Getting paid to do a bad job twice is
the ultimate scam. Fuck you, I'm God. All the characters
who were killed by the flamethrower singing Unison You'll will
never see. Yeah where toniversity stiversity to university? Oh that's
(54:46):
and that's Santa University three. Um, you know I'll be
taking notes. I'm I'm not sure if that made any sense,
but but thank you everyone for of the beautiful performances
and uh and Merry Christmas, I Gang Christmas, secad or whatever.
(55:06):
Mary laying on your couch holiday holiday holidays, religious support
you
Hello the Internet, and welcome to yet another episode of University.
Well this isn't even an episode, this is it's an event.
This is an event, an annual tradition now since the
beginning of this whole podcasting universe, where the great Jamie
Loftus loft Dust, I'm sorry Dust blesses us with her
(00:22):
magnum opus. That is an ever evolving script. I will
let her intro the script a little bit more. But
at the very least, we want to give everybody a
Christmas gift because this is it's Christmas Day today, It's St.
Chrispin's Day. It is that's right, Christmas. St Christmins Day?
Was that ever said in something just striping? Uh? Yeah, Mary, Christmas.
(00:43):
We're in a room full of all our most talented friends.
There's like dozens of people here ready to a dozen
people perform for you, all right, sorry man, uh Jamie, Yeah, Hi, Hi, okay.
So thank you guys so much. It's always a Christmas
miracle that you get the script done in time. That
I got the Yeah, I got it done. I think
(01:04):
I had a lead of seven minutes this year, which
is good for new listeners. If you're you know, Rookie
night Gang, Can you please explaining to people what what
this is? What is what is Santa University, what it means,
what's different, what's new? Yes? Okay, So this is the
third year that we're doing Santa University, which is absurd.
Uh So. Santa University is a project that's been very
(01:27):
close to my heart. I've been working on it since
two thousand and twelve. The concept is simple. You know,
we got more Christmas content than ever. This is a
concept that well, we introduced it in song at the
beginning of this one. Prisus a recap, But it's a
five and a half hour long movie, uh, that I
I wrote and I'm continuing to write in pieces. It's
in evolving. It's kind of what was the Kanye album
(01:49):
that he kept changing it and then Jesus's King and
then yeah, I love Donald Trump. It's that I love
Donald Trump? Is that? Uh so this year? Uh there's
yet another chunk that's unsurfaced. Some mud argue it's too long.
We'll see. But it's about Dan Santa played by Miles Gray. Uh.
(02:12):
Dan Santa looks like ship and can't read and that's
the and that's the character. And it's one of the
richest characters in the cannon. And yeah, and luckily that completely.
I also look like ship and cannot read. So I
apologize now when I say lines that aren't written in
your script completely this year. Uh. And it's also so
Santa University is a university where forty Santas get in
(02:34):
every year, only one graduates. The rest are brutally murdered.
Right is also a musical. Uh, So we've heard different
chunks of Santa University. We heard the beginning in the end.
We heard something somewhere in the middle last year. And
this happens specifically in somewhere in hour three. So it's
kind of in like deep in, but you can't quite
(02:56):
see the light out yet. There's the conclusion is very
far away. So there's a lot the new characters, but
also the Santy you characters you know and love. So
I think we should just get started. Let's do it
all right, all right, So I don't I guess we
shouldn't go around. I guess we'll introduce ourselves at the show. Yeah,
there's so many people. So when when we say your name,
(03:20):
please come up and introduce yourself and your part and
your character and your character. So Uh. My, my name
is Jamie Loftus. I'm the author of Santa University. Thank
you so much. Um. And you know it's going to
be produced any year now. Uh. And I'm gonna be
reading the stage directions this year. Hull. Let's let's go
(03:40):
this way. I'm Isaac Taylor and i will be playing
too Many DVDs Santa. I'm Nick Soarelli. I will be
playing Scientists Santa. I'm Jack O'Brien. I'll be playing Dean
and Bean Santa. I'm Miles Gray and I will be
playing Dance Santa. I'm Caitlin Darante and i will be
(04:01):
Goth Santa. Hi. I'm Lazy Mosley and I'll be playing
Detective Santa. Hi. I'm Anna host Ya and I will
be playing gal Santa. I'm Maga made Fish and I'll
be playing Wistful Santa. I'm Katie Golden and I'll be
playing Exposition Santa. I'm Sharne Lannie Units and I'll be
(04:23):
playing Intellect Santa. I'm Brad Evans and I'll be playing
Boring Santa. I'm Dan and I'll be playing the Doomed Elf.
I'm Cody Johnston. I'll be playing metaphorical conjoined twins Santa
one and Knife Santa. I'm Katie Stole and I will
(04:43):
be playing metaphorical conjoined Santa too. SOPHI like Trid and
I'll be playing romance Santa. I'm Chris Crofton and I'm
playing glory Hole Santa. That came on the exact right
order and actually perfect. Okay, so uh it's a bit
(05:06):
of a who done it this year? Exterior Santa University
sometime between three and PM, I will know the difference
as someone tries to cut corners here. We are just
cresting the third act of Santa University. What's going on? Well,
I can tell you one thing. Dan Santa does not
have an Australian accent this year because people didn't like it.
(05:26):
A few, a few thumb Santa's laid dead in the
courtyard while a priest Santa reads their last rites to them.
The killing has started to get so that Santa's are
dying a little faster than the elves. And no, we
will not be dealing with their b plot this year.
Either can bury them in the Santa Killing Fields. A
heavy winter fog hangs over the campus. Never heard of
a winter fog leave me alone. Wistful Santa wanders on
(05:49):
screen looking devastated at hell. She was introduced sometime in
the second hour of Santa University, but that footage has
gone missing, so it's impossible to know a lot of
what she's talking about. And this is a song called
that what happened in Santa University in two seventeen and
two thousand and eighteen. Uh and taking away Whistful Santa.
(06:10):
If anyone wants to add some some background, you know. Yeah,
Dan Santo looked like shit and he couldn't read about
it with the screenplay for Santa University, asked that regroup
for him as a protagonist, and he got into school
was Santas goth gallant cool, but the title university. After
(06:34):
being refused very low level managerial position at LIDS, Dean
Santa said no, no, thank you, Lacy, as you ain't
about snow. It's a brutal school where only one out
of four thousand Santas live each year and the rest
are brought to the Santa killing field. Then he gave
a brochure and Dan Santa said, Sir, save the brochure
(06:58):
for someone else. I still can't read, Okay, So let's all,
let's all seeing this part together. Uh one, Santa skills
its wellstor girls, santos Ko. Wait, now that's you. I'm
(07:34):
so sorry. I'm okay, please, m girl. Santa's fighting for
meaningful inclusion in the script as its primary female character.
She stands a better chance than her friend and looks
Santa because you come from wealth, and but if it's
(07:58):
from nepotism, Oh, Santa University, that's basically all you need
to know. Somehow. There's a second verse, exposition Santa walks
on screen and gives whistpul Santa a meaningful hug. I
guess I know each other. Maybe they'll explain. They look
to camera so it looks like they're going to sing.
The second verse is exposition Santa a good singer, indels
(08:18):
you whisper Santa, I beloved be character that we meet
in the second hour of the film. Exposition Santa is
not a great singer and whispule. Santa knows this, but
she's a good friend and she doesn't point it out.
Then Santa's parents are arrested, and we briefly deferred to
(08:39):
the Elves, who have always been intended to be included
in Santa University, but never are because the author is
rarely able to get more than two out a a
lot of time, and it feels like opening up a
whole being. But we see now my prize and we
(09:01):
meet a bow constructor. Also, I should have clarified that
Dance Santa's parents went to prison after one of the
clowns they met Aunt and the overdosed in their house,
which qualified as man slaughter in this case. Exposition Santa
turns that happened in lesson Exposition Santa turned back to
(09:22):
Whistul Santa and waves for the backing music to turn off,
which it does. A production assistant can be heard off
screen saying, what the fuck, I'm sorry, I'm not feeling
good about the singing part. Yeah, yeah, you can just
say it. Actually, if you want, Exposition Santa's embarrassing should
be what an awful singing voice? Why volunteered to do it?
If they were going to sing like that? They look
(09:43):
back to the camera and rushed through the rest of
the recap. Right, So um, Wistful Santa befriends Dance Santa,
which you think would be have bearing on the plot.
Then it turns out it really doesn't This author has
a tendency to have female characters appear because they feel
like they're supposed to, but doesn't ACTU really know what
to do with them. And shing knife Santa appears with
(10:04):
a large knife and slits both of their throats. And
that's good because that was getting boring. Exterior jingle manner
night title card a Santa University mystery, a big decrepit
jingle manner. Whatever you're picturing, it's that sweet Dan Santa,
Gal Santa, God Santa, and Intellect Santa walk up to
(10:25):
the door. Dan Santa eating a crawler. Dan Santa is
not sure about this. I'm not sure about this. Relax,
Dan Santa, my father, Dean Santa, the Dean of Santa University.
Thank you, Go Santa. Thanks, I'm go Santa. Where did
you get that crowler? Founded on the ground. He throws
(10:46):
his dinner every year at the Jingle Mansion to mark
the halfway point in the school year twenty death Santa's
it really makes you think about how a little time
we have about Okay, Dan Santa has finished the crawler
and doesn't seem to notice he's true on his own hand.
Gal Santa rings the doorbell, and it rings the doorbell
tune Jingle mansion, Jingle, Mansion. It's the mansion. Jingle manchtion.
(11:18):
Bean Santa answers the door to the untrained eye. He
looks just like Dean Santa, but he isn't. He's being Santa.
Gal Santa looks a little suspicious, not sure, are you,
Bean Santa. Uncle Bean Gal throws her arms around him
with an enthusiasm she's never had for her father, who
she considers a coward, not dealt with or paid off
in the blood. I'm not Dean Santa. Dan Santa looks
(11:43):
at him, but he looks just like Dean Santa. That's
not Dean Santa. That's what the action line said, Come
on in, kids, they enter the mansion anyways, I am
being Santa as opposed to my twin brother, who is
Dean Santa. My father Uncle Bean even, I can't tell
the difference between you and my father who is. Oh,
(12:05):
we'll be able to tell you a part if Gal
Santa can't. That will become relevant to the plot starting now.
I'll go find Dean. Bean Santa wanders off, and the
four Santa's head into the main foyer. I didn't know
Dean Santa was a twin. It's a good twist for
the who done it portion of Santa University. In my opinion,
it seems much nicer than Dean Santa. That might not
(12:28):
have been Bean Santa at all. They switched places all
the time. Bean Santa is even worse than my dad.
I've seen him kill non Santas without a second thought.
I am in love with you. So you're saying, there's
two identical Santa's, one mean and one even meaner. He
(12:49):
looks to camera, but it doesn't have the impact he hopes,
because the audience understood it the first time they crossed
into the Jingle Mansion dining room. The Jingle Mansion is
a Victorian disaster. That's it. In oil paintings of Santa's
passed from the exact moment they were killed. One features
a buzz saw making immediate and painful contact with the
santa skull. One shows a head dangling from a neck
like a hangnail. A third is the Santa's head about
(13:11):
to explode from the pressure of being inside a tanning
booth whose temperature is set to a billion. There are
various overdressed Santa's milling about the room eating Christmas snacks
based on puns. There's science Santa, Detective Santa arms, whereas
eyes should be Santa. Who did I not cast that? Oh? Shit? Uh?
Who was who was that? There? You did it too
(13:34):
many DVDs? Santa two thousand two. Santa didn't cast that either, Katie?
Could you do? Yes? Uh? And boring Santa. No one
seems to know each other. Come on, everyone, our names
are on these cards. They go to they go to
their seats at the long dining room table, conscious of
each other because a crime is going to happen soon.
There is a roasted Santa head on the table with
the phrase a crime is going to happen soon spelled
(13:57):
out in cranberries. For years after Santa University is released,
fans will praise this choice as one of the many
subtle foreshadowings Blink and you'd miss it, But there's a
pretty long and close shot on it too. Dan Santa
walks to his seat beside Gal Santa. I was hoping
to sit next to my uncle and not you, Dan Santa,
but you're the love interest of Santa University. I'm going
(14:20):
to get out of this place someday, and God Santa
points to Dan Santa's name card, which we can't see. Wow,
Bean Santa was pretty hard on Dan Santa on the
name card. Sticks and stones may break my bones, but
I cannot read, so it's impossible to internalize the insult.
It says, ugly sit here, Oh that's nice. Not nice.
(14:41):
Dan Santa internalizes it. We cut back to the roast
with the cranberry spelling. A crime is going to happen soon.
Just in case you missed it, the first time, Bean
Santa and Dean Santa entered together in identical sweaters beaming
We're either being or Dean Santa. And now for tonight's entertainment,
they get ready to launch into a song and the
guests have a physical response too many DVD Santas throws
(15:03):
up into his Blu ray case for Whiplash. Science Santa
sticks his head inside of the roasted Santa head to
help blot out the noise. Gal Santa is crying as
this song conjures terrible memories from her childhood that Santa
University doesn't have the time or interest to unpack. The
song is called they should have just called one of us,
means Santa and Jack, I didn't I didn't write words.
(15:26):
So if you could just take it away, do you
four minutes the best improviser in the room here to
improvise a four minute long song called They should have
just called one of us means Santa, but instead they
called us Dean and Bean Santa. Good so far, and
(15:47):
I could just repeat that for four minutes. You just
want to move on. Imagine it's it's foremous. You have,
everyone's fucking exhausted. The twins complete their song. Everyone's visibly
upset and annoyed. Either Dean or Bean shrugs. Well, back
to the glory Hole. He skips upstairs, and we hear
glory Hole Santa in the distance. He loves his job
(16:10):
back so soon, goody. The other Bean, Dean Santa sits
at the table, a little out of breath, no applause,
intellect Santa is not thrilled with this storyline. I have
to say, I'm getting pretty tired of all these white
guys insisting a playing twins. It's exhausting. Well, it's a
good thing you're not writing the movie Standing University, then,
(16:33):
isn't it is that you? Uncle Bean? Does it matter
either way? We are horny for each other in a
vague and complicated way. Yes, can you tell us why
we're here? Excellent question, Josephine, Let's introduce ourselves. Was that
glory hole Santa back there? I'm surprised he's still alive,
I said, introduce yourself. Scientist Santa trembles as Bean Dean
(16:57):
points a gun at him. Detective San that has a
notepad out and scribbles in it as the others argued.
Two thousand to Santa, rolls her eyes. You're full of shit,
either Bean or Dean. Santa, stay out of this. Two
thousand to Santa, Hi, I'm two thousand to Santa, I'm scientists.
Santa been studying whether thirty nine thousand nine Santas need
to die every year after all women have gone too
(17:19):
far to answer your question, scientists, Santa, that was glory Hole. Santa.
He came with the house. I'm sorry, but it's two
thousand two. Santa even allowed to be in here. He
was supposed to be killed with her ten year of
Santa up in two thousand and two. Who are you arms?
Where his eyes should be? Santa? Hi, I'm arms or
his eyes should be? Santa. I personally don't trust glory
(17:41):
Hole Santa's one stole my Blue ray of Drive right
in the middle of my Glory Hole session last year
for the last time. Too many DVDs. Santa, you told
him he could borrow it when you were on math.
Well he got Calm on my Blu ray. Please stop
playing Calm. I'm about to come. I'm feeling lost to see.
If new characters don't worry about it, there's no way
(18:03):
they're going to live until next act. You to the
format of this the part of this movie, Glorial Santa
is a valued member of our family. He's been sucking
my family off. Sorry, he's been sucking my family off
for generations. It's true. Glory Hole Santa has been sucking
everyone who has ever lived in the Jingle Mansion at
a competitive race since Santa University opened. Gloryal Santa and
(18:25):
the other Bean Dean Santa can be heard gallivanting in
the background. More I'm a professional, just the one tooth
will do yea god. Santa shakes his head, which is
slightly less important to us than that of the protagonist
Dan Santa, Although if you think about it, isn't it
really gal Santa's story. I'm just kidding. That's what writers
(18:47):
say when their movie with a male protagonist lets a
female character do something for one. I only thought Mad
Max was okay, but maybe I just don't like steampunk culture.
Grow up. I don't think it's right to imprison a
glory hole Santa like that. My father was a glory
whole Santa. A pause. He looks to Detective Santa, who's
been taking notes this whole time. She isn't taking notes anymore.
(19:08):
Are you going to write that down? No? I'm not
particularly interested in the background story of your character. What
I want to know is either being or dean Santa
is why you and your brother invited us here to
and I I thought you might. Detective Santa the reason
(19:30):
I too many DVD Santa's points to boring Santa. Wait,
what about that Santa? Everyone looks to boring Santa. He's
deeply boring, but it's kind of tall, which is enough
for a lot of people. They're all in love with
him right away. Hey, regardless of sexual orientation, everyone loses
their ship Tall. We had a thing. In spite of
(19:52):
my superior judgment, I would die for him. Ah huh.
They all snap bad it. But man, boring Santa there's
something about him. As I was crying, I mean saying,
Bean or Dean Santa, whichever you are, why are we
all here a ton I, It's simple, Detective Santa. While
(20:13):
the person hired to play my character would normally play
one part, he learned that if he played two with
half the effort, he would make more money. I suspected
as much. Intellect Santa stands furious, don't you see, well,
it can't be that many famous white actors that have
done this. Intelec Santa doesn't even need to think about it.
Come on, Paul Rudd, James Franco, Zach often Accause McGregor
(20:36):
Tom Hardy, an unentitled seth rogue project that can't be right.
I assure you these are all from the past five years.
Just off the top of my head. What's the thinking
behind it? I mean, why give screen time to a
person of color or a woman when you can just
have a lukewarm performance from James Franco, a known specual
predator twice Wow. In the background, you can hear Glory
(20:56):
Hole Santa at work and either Dean or Bean Santa,
who has moning in ecstasy. It really takes you out
of the point that intelecx Santa is making, which if
you think about it for even a second, actually has
legs to it. Rommy Malick, No, he hasn't played twins.
He is a twin right, women don't play twins ever? Well,
the used tune the eighties and the nineties. But since
(21:18):
famous men found out that they can get paid extra
for doing getting not as much, it's like podcasting in
that way, are wild? What about Vanessa Hudgen I think
that past the Bechtel test silence, everyone at the table
looks up to either Dean or Bean Santa, a little
shocked at the sudden intensity. Intelecxanta breeze an internal side
of relief she had totally forgotten. Vanessa Hudgens played Twins
(21:40):
and the Princess, which just last year. But given that
it's a low budget TV movie versus prestige TV and film,
the point is still a solid one. Maybe let's say
she's right. The true reason you're all here, in addition
to creating additional acting work for established wet actors in need,
is because you've all got a bone to pick with
the Santa You administration. Almost as if it were pre planned.
(22:00):
It is a feature film that has gone through fourteen
hours of pre production. Music begins to play as Glory Hole.
Santa continues to wail in the background in ecstasy, becoming
syncopated to accompany the Broadway beat that at the beginning
another song in Santa University. Yeah, you fucking idiot. There's
sixty three songs in this show. Uh this song, I
mean it can go however you want. This is called
(22:23):
an explicit statement of motives. To save some time. As
their verse begins, every Santa conveniently addresses the camera with
their appropriate vague amount of suspicion. Some of them are
stupid and appear more or less suspicious than they should.
Which one's not my business. I'm a Santa detective with
the history of messing up my cases and was solely
(22:45):
caught by Bean. I'm a scientist Santa who is doing
an experiments that the Bean and the Dean think isn't
keen Midnight. I'm Rs wears eyed me Santa, and I
think the Dean SAIDs bad optics. I think he's a
chad and he choked dip. I have too many DVDs.
(23:10):
I was in Santa You last year and since then
I purchased Avenger's End Game on Blu Ray. My personality
is d v d's. It was two thousand and two
when I became the true Santa, and I lived many
years longer than Dean said. He was mad. He said, hey, Santa,
(23:31):
is only the year and if you try to challenge me,
then they're dead. I don't know what to say. I
am boring, but I'm tall, so I get fucked a lot.
People mistake my height for being interesting. I am not.
Don't tell Dean. Dan Santa interrupts the song to wax
(23:52):
poetic about nothing as usual. The melody he improvises badly.
I'm Daniel Santa, just kidding. My full name is Dan.
I look like ship and can't read. This part of
the movie is hard for me. I won't die. Suspense
is low. The regular music starts again abruptly, as if
(24:14):
the production itself was bothered by Dan Santa's introduction. I
am either Dean or Bean Santa. I'm an actor who's
playing two roles. I have two roles. Look at me.
The song ends, which is well timed because the crime
is about to take place anyways. The lights go out
in the room and everyone panics. A screen comes from somewhere.
(24:37):
It's either Bean or Dean, hard to know us. Both
are played by Jack. The lights are out for a
full hour for the first season. For the first few minutes,
there's some rustling in general upset, but it quiets down
after a little while. Around minute four, we hear is
anyone asleep yet? Yes? Twenty more minutes passed and we
(24:58):
still have not turned the lights back on. There's a
sound of a couple kissing footsteps above and below the room,
but for the most part, everyone stays still. The distant
sound of bony ver is in someone's headphones, and someone's
mutters something about it not being anymore. Get over, Dance Santa,
Is that you kissing my dreams? It is Dance Santa.
You're the funniest person I know. Thirty minutes after this,
(25:22):
Detective Santa speaks up, is anyone going to turn the
lights back on? Oh? My god, my bad. The lights
come back on and everyone panics, says they realize either
Dean or Bean Santa has been killed and cold fucking blood,
and he's laying in a pool of his own blood,
which is solid. He's been murdered in every conceivable way.
He's been drawn and corded. He's got a harpoon in
his gut, he's been jingle whips to death. And a
(25:44):
fourth thing too, Dad means Santa. God, Santa whispers to him.
It's Bean Santa, right. The Detective Santa tries to calm
the crowd in spite of the fact that she's a murderer,
just getting too early to know cast of Santa University
lex in order to save time, they do so immediately.
We have to keep this moving. Someone here has killed
(26:06):
either Bean or Dean Santa. And given that, I am
Detective Santa, I did it. Oh the Bean Dean Santa,
who is not dead, enters looking like he just came.
He did. What a gas. That's the only thing, the
only thing that could bring me down today is if,
oh my god, if your brother was murder in cold blood.
(26:28):
I was gonna say if bones was canceled. He was
canceled Bean or Dean Santa. Oh my god, brownie face pause.
I did not do it. I just wanted the attention.
Too many DVDs, Santa throws up in the blue ray
of Looper. He never shuts the funk up about Gal
Santa pleadingly goes up to the remaining Bean Dean Santa,
(26:49):
who stares at his brother's body emotionless, God, is that
you Gal? Due to the sensitive jingle nature of the situation,
I I am not comfortable saying. Gals in uriated and
Bean Dean Santa looks up to the rest of the
cast of Santa University. Who is your least favorite cast
member so far? Don't be shy, I I'm glad he's dead.
(27:10):
Detective Santa begins pacing as she sucks his things out. Unfortunately,
she's not watching where she's walking and starts tracking the
blood of Bean or Dean Santa across the carpet, destroying
any useful evidence. That would be very interesting. Indeed, if
you were being Santa and wanted to take your brother's job,
or if you were Dean Santa to finally see your
brother receive his come upance for his crimes perpetrated as
(27:32):
the Boston strangler, he did it. I couldn't have done it.
I was getting sucked off by glory Hole Santa. Glory
Hole Santa yells his head off in the distance. Hello, Guardeous,
someone should call the police. Bring Santa Wood the police
before they can figure out who trust cops. A Santa
cop person to the room in full uniform. The general
vibe is you, we don't really want them. There did
(27:54):
so many report crime arms, whereas I should be. Santa
instinctively throws a hatchet at Santakov's head and kills him instantly.
No one is especially bothered. Did you know that cops
legally have to say did somebody report a crime? When
they enter a room? You're literally so smart? Also as
I feel I have fallen into the background a little,
who are you again? Uh? Hi, I'm scientist Santa. I
(28:15):
need to go get some air. Bean Dean Santa heads
for the door towards the Santa shed and a beat
plot that is sure to be a breath of fresh
air for everyone. Oh my god, he left in the
middle of my sentence. Just say what you need to say, scientists, Santa,
I think we should split up and look for clues.
I was going to say that time two thousand and two, Santa,
by the way, interior Jingle shed day, Let's try out
(28:36):
that b plot is one of the sheds behind the
Jingle Mansion and Romance. Santa and Doomed Elf french each
other passionately. Soon one of them will die and you'll
never guess who doomed Elf. I will always love you,
Romance Santa. It cannot last. You are one of the
final twenty three thousand Santas here at Santa University. There's
(28:56):
no way you'll live to see the end of the year.
It seems un likely by speaking as Dan Santa is
the protagonist. Doomed Delf costs a little and blood comes up.
It's elf blood though, so it's a strawberry shake. But
it's said, also, I have elf tuberculosis. Didn't they cure
elf tuberculosis? Yes, but Dean Santa won't allow the vaccine
(29:17):
on campus. It's a b plot to Santa University that
was included in earlier drafts that was later abandoned, except
for this scene where it is inexplicably appears. Dean Santa's
an Elf Anti vaxer. Oh right, Dean Santa and his
brother Bean, who only appears in this section of Santa University.
We haven't seen him in a while. Being Dean Santa
opens the door to the shed, smiles and ways, I'm
(29:39):
right here, hi, Bean or Dean Santa. Bean. Dean Santa
grabs a harpoon gun hanging on the wall and leaves
the shed. Romance Santa and Doomed Delf resumed their conversation
as I was saying, being or dean Santa is killing us.
Why don't you just say anything to him? Just now?
I'm shy. What are the vaccines made of? Due to
the fact that we are the only vaccine is cookies. No,
(30:01):
it could be persuaded to change cookies to hot dogs.
It doesn't matter, doom Delf, I will love you to
the very end. Fade too. Very raunchy sex scene. Note
this scene has to be absolutely debauched and fucked up.
Their bodies due to the culture of death at Santa University,
are covered in sores and boils. However, it is a
(30:22):
gorgeous consensual love scene. They're not particularly adventurous, but a
lot of people in the crowd will be titilated. Trying
to spell this weird five times, I kept sucking it
up by the sheer difference in size between doom Delf
and Romantic Santa. Doomed Delf pops one of Romantic Santa's
back penals. Really think about how that might look. This
scene should be two minutes long. But feel like twenty viewers.
(30:46):
Viewers would think, how could God exist in a world
in which this sex scene takes place. Romantic Santa and
doom Delf lay in a pile of stinky bliss. Their
flesh reeking of recent coitus is terrible. Doom Delf seems
have said, I'm dying man, Santa, Yes, doom Delf dies,
confirming the suspicions of many Dean Santa climbed through the
(31:06):
window and speaks to camera, well, I hope everyone enjoyed
this little b plot. On with the show snaps Romance
Santa's neck, we returned to the Jingle manner dining room.
Detective Santa is examining a mutilated body a little closer
as Boring Santa behaves both hot and suspicious. Anything you're
looking for, specifically, Detective Santa detectives Santa looks up. She's
(31:27):
a career driven woman who doesn't have time to funk.
But for a man this boring, she's honestly a little flustered.
Just the stant of stuff. Boring Santa lacerations, curses, goop.
I like to get a little taste of the scene.
In an attempt to alert Boring Santa She takes a
long slurp of Dean or Bean Santa's blood while locking
eyes with him. It's working boring. Santa is interested and
(31:56):
he leads suspects. Heleans in closer towards detectives does blood
stained professional mouth. I have ruled out no suspects. Oh
my god, born guys can do whatever they want as
long as they're tall. It's not fair. Interior Jingle Basement.
Gal Santa and Dan Santa wander through the labyrinth of
tunnels beneath the Jingle Mansion. Gala is frantically looking for clues,
(32:18):
and Dan Santa is moving slowly and generally making things difficult.
He is the underdog, but at this point in Santa University,
everyone's just about had it with him. I hate being alive.
That makes sense. You're not good at it. Focus, Dan Santa.
The murderer could have hitten a weapon down here or
something during the hour where I should have turned the
lights on. But Gal Santa, it's like three hours in
(32:39):
the movie Santa University, and all my efforts to wear
you down have been from nothing. You're not worn down
at all. Gal Santa finds a gun on the ground
with fresh, bloody handprints, then kicks it and walks by.
Too obvious, I don't have time for this dance, Santa.
Either my father or my uncle is dead, and either
my father or my uncle doesn't care about it. How
many times do I have to tell you you look like?
(33:00):
Before she can state the obvious? Dan Santa's looks in
literacy are completely unchanged since moment one they bump into
the metaphorical can Joined Twins Santa's. The metaphor is that
what binds them is the oppression of poverty and being
pushed to the margins of Jingle society their entire lives.
But this will not come across at all in the performance.
Who Dares cross the Jingle Labyrinth? Dan Santa? Can you
(33:23):
handle this? She walks off to go in her hero's
journey That Santa University has no interest in It's scals
Stanta's story, though, And don't let anyone tell you differently?
How long have you been here for? I can join
twins look into the near distance wistfully. How long has
it been now? Christine can joined twin two lifts of
her pant like and counts of scabs on her shin
nine scabs. Christopher that means fifty years. The university told
(33:48):
us if we came above ground again, we would be vaporized.
But we send smoke signals up it'll be up here
since you're here, Like, would you mind affirming that I
am entitled? Like the love of Gala Santa. Like through song,
twins look at each other. This is their only chance
for escape. With all due respect, we really need someone's
help getting out of the movie. Santa University doesn't care
(34:11):
about the plight of the longer press conjoined twins, and
the music begins to play. I look around and dread
as Dan Santa begins to clap his big stupid hands
a song just for him. The song is called You're Okay. Note.
As a conjoined twins go through their routine against their will,
we can see that the dancing causes them a lot
of pain. It turns out they're dancing on glass. You're
(34:35):
not so bad. You'll wear her down. You're thedagon. It's out,
You've got the crown. Take it from us from underground,
we can validate you. Make you feel profound. Keep dancing,
step on the glass. They sing the next part in
a bridgee quick listing format. Not exactly we didn't start
(34:56):
the fire, but that's about as close as I can think.
Show your look like shit and you can't even read,
but you've got two hands and you still can't read.
And you've got a nice smile. Awake, just saw it.
I take it back. You've got a nice sat a
nice hat, the kind of smells dance and by catch
we mean not including look, skills, money or personality. We'd
(35:17):
love to tell you about how we got stuck down
here many years go. When the dance is angry, they
should be singing about him. I don't care about your
predicament they had. They head into a very painful finale.
Don't worry. We're in a lot of personal pain. But dance,
(35:38):
You're okay the song. The song ends, and Dan Santa
is flying high from the emotional labor. He subjected these
characters too, although it would appear that it's they who
could use the reassurance. The conjoined twins are miserable. You
know what you are, right, conjoined twins. I am sexually
appealing now if you please checkerless from this wall. The
(36:00):
twin who I give a name earlier, but let's be honest,
they're poor, and who cares reveals that he and his
sister have been shackled to the wall of the tunnel
this entire time. Gal Santa comes back with a rock.
I found a rock. Gal. I'm in love with you,
Dan Santa. I am completely disinterested in you in the movie.
This means I have a chance. They take the rock.
(36:21):
They take the rock, which Gal thinks is a clue,
but honestly, in what world would that be a clue?
And they run in the opposite direction of the conjoined twins.
Neither Gal Santa nor Dan Santa would ever think of
the twins again, confront their own privilege, or grow as people.
The twins would go on to live for five hundred
years or ten scabs. I hate to admit it, but
(36:43):
I'm rooting for Dan Santa. Interior jingle pantry, go Santa,
intellect Santa, and aren't whereas I should be. Santa follow
some bloody footprints into the pantry, which is a pretty
gentle way to describe a room full of frozen Santa
body parts. I thought they just said the Santis into
the fields and no one give it turns them into chowel.
You can see that. I thought you had arts rights, right.
I forgot that beautiful performance. God Santa nos on the
(37:07):
arm of a deceased stand up comedian. Santa is for
the best. It ain't half bad, I'll tell you that.
Suddenly the kitchen door slams behind them into e Santa
runs to it and jiggles the handle. It's locked. It's locked.
She jiggles it again. It opens. Oops, No, it wasn't well.
I guess that's it for the scene. It's nothing personal.
(37:27):
Santa University starts recording, and literally six minutes interior jingle
Attic two Santa and too Many DVD. Santa's example examines
a creaky old attic Philip with sign headshots of either
Bean or Dean Santa that no one wanted but he
mailed to everyone on their birthdays. Two to Santa looks
through them and discovers a hatchet covered in blood. She
picks it up. I think this is worth showing the detective.
(37:50):
Too Many DVD Santa completely steam rolls her a DVD
copy of Blade Runner sticking out of his back pocket.
Oh we can hear two thousand two sets his inner
monolog as she sifts through an impossible number of head shots.
I've never watched Barton Fink. I'm never going to watch
Barton Fink, even if Barton Fink is good. Everyone who
(38:11):
has ever recommended it to me smells like salt and
vinegar chips too many DVD. Santa persists getting closer to
her as she ignores him, as if that could possibly
be the problem. Something interesting about Barton Fink is that
came out two thousand two. Santa's eyes glaze over and
a soft piano ballad begins to play as her innamal
inner monologue begins to sing song. If another cheeto finger
(38:35):
dipshit tells me to watch Barton Fink on DVD, then
so help me. I've never trusted men with too first
names to bonus content on Blu Ray if you ever
want to come over And the scene is mercifully cut
short by a loud shot coming from downstairs, followed by
another scream from Jack Jingle Mansion dining room. Everyone run
(39:00):
back into the Jingle dining room to find that Bean
Dean Santa has also been killed. There's a hole in
the ceiling from where the body fell, meaning it must
have happened on the second floor. How many floors are
in the mansion, Let's say six, The freshly killed Bean
or Dean is now in a puddle of goop. It's
a little funny to look at. Gal Santa looks on
in horror. That can't be possible. One of them has
to live. Dean Santa appears in the climactic scene of
(39:22):
Santa University The Big Game. Detective Santa starts pacing with
authority again, this time just walking on top of the corpses. Nevertheless,
both Bean and Dean Santa are dat and splitting up
has not advanced the plot, not even a little. Who
(39:42):
do you suspect, Detective Santa? Interesting you ask day in Santa.
I'm Dan Santa. But first we have to cut away
to one more bee plot scene taking place in another
area Interior Santa Dog room. Dog Santa sits with knife Santa. Hello,
dog Santa, Doc Santa, just this there. What's he gonna do?
(40:04):
He's just a dog, cute dog, nice guy. Hi, send
dog Santa. I wanted to apologize for how I behave
the other day. Not with the knife. Doc Sanda is
just sitting there because he's a dog. Script note dog's
penis must be visible. Thank you. I totally understand silent treatment.
It's like, I'm knife Santa. That's scary. I didn't choose
(40:28):
that for myself, but that's you know, it's kind of
my lot in life. I'm sure I see these other
Santa's and get jealous. I'd kill to be peepe Santa,
or dead tooth Santa or a third stupid thing. But
I'm knife Santa. I got a knife. I'm sorry I
pull the knife on you. The dog stands as if
(40:48):
he's going to say a line. He goes to the mic.
He's gonna tell a knife Santa, off man. This dog
is gonna tell him good. Say go sunny, Sunny. This
is it. This is the sunny, Sunny Sunny, and see
(41:22):
the whites of his eyes, Jesus Christ. Suddenly the dog
remembers he's a dog, and now while he does not
look like ship, he cannot read. The dog explode because
the dog actor can't read. Everyone booze him as he leaves.
The ship's bad all right. Back to the Jingle Mansion,
(41:46):
Detective Santa looks at the suspects with smug satisfaction. She
knows exactly who did it, but this is a really
long part where she doesn't say so for a while.
If you start to lose interest just thinking about the
dog scene we just did. That was fun. I know
exactly who killed both Dean and Bean Santa. No one
here lacks motive or in Santa raises his hand. I
(42:07):
think it could be argued that I do. But there's
only one Santa that could have committed the crime. The
first Santa, either Bean or Dean, appears to have died
of being drawn and quartered. At first, I thought arms
whereas eyes should be Santa arms whereas I should be
should put his eye arms in the air. A note
for all actors. Everyone playing a suspicious Santa will need
(42:28):
to come up with their own reason of why they
are innocent. Is really hard to write these, and I
overestimated my ability to do it. And I couldn't always
think of a really a good motive. So if you
have to give a reason for why you're innocent, uh,
you know, just just do it yourself. It couldn't have
been me. I was masturbating on the subway. That's good reason.
(42:51):
And who are you? Which Santa? Arms where you're should
arms where Santa? That's true, arms where you're I should
be Santa. That reasoning is completely sound. Then what about
scientists Santa. She's on a mission to cut down Santa's casualties,
a decision brothers directly opposed. How would that make sense?
(43:13):
I was doing science and I couldn't have done it. Um,
I'm I'm good, not bad. I thought the exact thing.
But then, okay, too many DVDs. Santa Dean and Bean
Santa were both outspoken about Bennette Miller being overrated. Who
the hell is that he's a patriotic filmmaker, not a
(43:33):
nationalistic one. Sounds boring and it couldn't have been me.
I was, uh, looking at the dog on the plexiglass ceiling.
True enough, I considered that maybe God Santa, but he's
a pleasant ways and then there's boring Santa. But I
(43:53):
love you really No, but I'm tall. I couldn't have
done it. I was busy bonking my tall head on
different pipes and door frames. It's true, Dean is too
sexy and tall and I have a crush on him
to have done it. And then I found this. She
pulls aside a convenient curtain to reveal a lever and
(44:15):
a sign that says pulling his lever will drawing quarter.
Either Dean or Bean Santa instantly. But then again, whoever
pulled the lever may not have known that it would
happen if they had pulled it. That's ridiculous. The sign
clearly states that pulling the lever would kill someone instantly,
so who among us would do something so flagrant, so performative.
(44:36):
It's almost as if they wanted it to happen to
either Dean or Bean Santa as revenge for what would
have happened to them in two thousand and two if
they hadn't escaped the death at Santa's penalty. Everyone turns
to two. It couldn't have been me. Two thousand and
two is the same numbers forwards and backwards. It's true
(45:00):
two thousand and two. Santa couldn't have taken the risk
of killing Dean or Bean Santa unless she was absolutely
sure who it was, or her cover as a fugitive
would have been blown. So someone saw the sign and
decided to ignore it unless she paces back and forth
that Santa couldn't read it. I don't think that was
(45:24):
the proper use of unless aren't you his eye should be.
Santa re enters the room with a large, heavy bag
with a corpse in it. Gal. Santa panics, what's that? Oh? Sorry,
I just try to look in the back ship. I
thought we could snack on it. He dumps Doomed helps
corpse out of the bag. Everyone laughs, Oh, that's very
thoughtful of you go to the kitchen and cut him
(45:47):
in the giangles. This is a nice house and we
need to act the coordinating I even love with you.
There's no time, carners Dan Santa, who looks terrified. Dan Santa. Hi,
I'm Dan Santa. He's got as good of a motive
as anyone disagrees with the rules of Santa University, so
(46:08):
knocking Dean sent off would help. Intimidated by the raw
sexual energy being Santa radiated to the love interest in
Santa University a movie that he Tita, Santa looks right
into the camera, is the protagonist of arms, whereas I
should be. Santa re enters with the chopped off doomed
delf and everyone snacks on his remains throughout the remainder
(46:29):
of the scene. Remember his sex scene earlier. Gross Suddenly
it's starting to make sense. And then I thought of
either Dean or being. Santa's final words, don't do it.
It hurts and I believe maybe that wasn't what he
(46:50):
said at all. Maybe Dean or Being Santa was announcing
his killer, and that killer looked like shit. I couldn't
even read Gos. Santa leans over to Dan Santa, concerned,
Dan Santa, did you commit the Santa murder? I'm starting
(47:10):
to think I'm guilty as hell. Go Santa looks disappointed,
then perks up. I guess that's okay. It seems like
a strange thing for us to harp on when we
all commit multiple murders a day, that being part of
the premise of the movie I'm in love with you,
You're not, oh right? I forgot you can wit at
(47:32):
the murders, Dan Santa, How could you? I am, Scientist Santa.
Detective Santa is very pleased with herself. It was you,
Dance Santa. You killed both Being and stop the wedding
glory Hole Santa enters for the first time. He's visibly
covered in the common blood of both Dean and Bean.
(47:54):
Santa and whichever ordered that ended up checking out and
as the phase of a man who wasn't seen the
light of day and years. Detective Santa is shocked Dan
Santa didn't kill both Bean and Dean Santa. I don't know.
A strong case was made. That's right, it was me. Damn,
I thought it was me. Everyone looks at Detective Santa.
(48:18):
She and Dan Santa are clearly the only people in
the room who are surprised at this reveal. I uh,
it couldn't have been you. Glory Hole Santa. You were
in the glory hole. The glory hole time. Detective Santa
pauses for laughs, but no one gets it. Intellect Santa
steps forward. It was glory Hole Santa. You knew. Intellect
(48:40):
Santa justice to everyone dramatically, knocking over a glass, but
she plays it off. Okay, we all knew. I didn't,
except for Dan Santa, who's too stupid to be included.
I've been planning it for years. We see what he's
describing as he does, I don't have time to get specific.
Right now, we start recording. Santa and Versity in one hour.
(49:02):
Sucked the Santa University administration off, day in and day
out for generations. Cowardly Santas who were too afraid of
dying in a horrifying and unnecessary way to even unroll
in their own school. Don't talk about my father that way.
That it's true, you're right, and I'm glad he's dead.
Continue And one day when Dean Santa shot a student
(49:24):
at his office for saying Dingle class instead of Jingle Class,
I decided I'd had enough. Why did you hate Bean Santa?
Because he took away my dental insurance, and that's the
insurance of glory hole Santa needs the most. So I
hatched a nigg no a n egg, and that egg
grew up to be he looks to boring Santa, who
gives up the ruse and rushes to embrace his com stain,
(49:47):
Daddy Daddy be. I still think I did it, though,
And as my son grew up to becoming aspiring Santa himself,
I had him use his newfound charisthma as at tall
reasonably symmetrical man. I wouldn't say charismatic, but there is
something about him to recruit other students to carry out
(50:09):
my brand and create the distraction of vaguely themed dinner
in order to give me the time to murder the brothers.
They were all in on it, except, as I stated,
dance Santa, who was never gonna cut out. Everyone walked
talks among themselves for a second. Did that make sense.
Was there a plothole that makes this completely infeasible? Point
out what you think is flimsy is about the conclusion.
(50:30):
I think it worked out, okay, hearing it all out
in a row and I'm relieved. Wow, I'm like innocent
as well. I think that solves your case, Detective Santa.
And by the way, the jokes on you prison makes
me harny, My man, you are next level. Detective Santa
looks around at all the plotting. Santa's gal looks at
(50:51):
her father's corpse. I honestly didn't think killing him would
be permanent as he is in the climactic scene of
Santa University, that being the big game. Oh well, maybe
I can hire a task rabbit to replace him. Glory
Holsanta and Boring Santa are doing a complicated father son handshake.
When Detective Santa approaches him, Glory hold Santa. That still
(51:12):
doesn't answer one question, why am I here? I was
waiting for you to ask, Marie. Detective Santa is shocked
another twist, how did he know her non Santa name?
Glory Holsanta wipes the coming bloy from his face. There's
a lot of it. It takes several minutes. Antellect Santa
(51:33):
happened to have some wet naps on her, which moves
the process along a little. After about six minutes, Detective
Santa gasps with recognition, glory Hole, my brother, I thought
you died in the glory Hole. Santa hugs her the
(51:54):
jingle wars, I know, but I escaped Marie and I
started a new life for myself and the glory Hole
Auntie to take to. Santa thinks about it for a second.
She has sex with him. You knew I was your aunt.
Let's get away from Maria boring Santa scientists. Santa is
(52:15):
building a new society away from here, and everyone is invited,
except for the four characters from Santa University who are
in the remainder of the movie. Oh Shit. Everyone is
happy and heads for the door, stepping over Dean Bean
and the cops corpses before they connect it Cool Santa.
Remember him. He's appeared in Santa University in twenty seventeen
and eighteen as Deal Santa's jock boyfriend. Hey Gil, Sanda,
(52:38):
check this out. He takes out a flamethrower and torches
everyone in the scene who is in Dan Santa, Gal Santa,
Intelexanta or Gas Santa. They all die instantly. I lived.
It does appear that the massive amounts of calm have
preserved Glory Hole Santa. However, he is torched a second
time and dies immediately. The gang is horrified, and Cool
(53:00):
Santa is thrilled. How would you like that, Gil Santa.
I cannot articulate my feelings, and so I do ship
like that, Cool Santa, I from the rebel either Dean
or Bean Santa sits straight up. I forgot I'm in
the final scene, He gets up and doest himself off.
Get back to class, kids. Oh no, I'm late for
jingle class, Dan Santa, you are wild. The whole gang
(53:23):
sings the theme to Santa University. The ghosts of the
characters we have come to know and love, or at
least sort of recognize the names of. At this point,
soar to heaven. Let's all sing it together, Gang Santa,
Santa Santa. Every year Santa has come here, even though
(53:44):
it means they may die. But just because my cost
your life doesn't mean you shouldn't try. You think there'd
be a better bedding system, but there's not. Betray your
friends and bring your own knife or my name isn't goth.
You think it would be easier to have more than
one Santa Guy, and you'd be right. And the job
(54:07):
is too much, which is why I'll Santa's die relatively
cast Getting paid to do a bad job twice is
the ultimate scam. Fuck you, I'm God. All the characters
who were killed by the flamethrower singing Unison You'll will
never see. Yeah where toniversity stiversity to university? Oh that's
(54:46):
and that's Santa University three. Um, you know I'll be
taking notes. I'm I'm not sure if that made any sense,
but but thank you everyone for of the beautiful performances
and uh and Merry Christmas, I Gang Christmas, secad or whatever.
(55:06):
Mary laying on your couch holiday holiday holidays, religious support
you
The Daily Zeitgeist News
Hosts And Creators
Jack O'Brien
Miles Gray
Show Links
StoreAboutRSSLive AppearancesPopular Podcasts
40s and Free Agents: NFL Draft Season
Daniel Jeremiah of Move the Sticks and Gregg Rosenthal of NFL Daily join forces to break down every team's needs this offseason.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
Las Culturistas with Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang
Ding dong! Join your culture consultants, Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang, on an unforgettable journey into the beating heart of CULTURE. Alongside sizzling special guests, they GET INTO the hottest pop-culture moments of the day and the formative cultural experiences that turned them into Culturistas. Produced by the Big Money Players Network and iHeartRadio.