November 28, 2024 • 28 mins
For this Thanksgiving episode, Suze and KT have a conversation about an email from a listener who is being taken advantage of by their family. Can you relate to the story? Do you know when helping someone else, may be hurting you?
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Robert (00:00):
Hi, everybody. This is Robert, the producer here. Now, now
stay with me. I just have two very quick things
to tell you, uh, before we get to today's episode.
Now the other day, Suze posted a picture of herself
on the Women and Money Community app and she asked
all of you, how old you thought she was in
that photograph. And then she posted that the right answer
(00:22):
would be revealed on today's podcast. So
the correct answer is Suze is 40 years old in
that picture. Pretty cool, right? I really dig that sweater. Uh,
the second thing that I need to say to you
is Happy Thanksgiving and thank you for listening to this
podcast and now on with a brand new episode... (Music)
Suze (01:21):
November 28th, 2024
KT (01:24):
Gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble.
Suze (01:28):
Why are you gobbling KT?
KT (01:30):
Today's Turkey Day? Everybody. Probably my most favorite holiday of
all time.
Suze (01:36):
And why is that? Well, it's because of my stuffing.
KT (01:41):
This is the day that Suze traditionally cooks and cooks
the best turkey dinner
ever, ever, ever, ever. We used to have massive, you know,
family members and groups and gatherings. Now it's pared down. No,
they love us and they so want to have...
Suze (02:01):
They all have their families, families, families now.
KT (02:03):
It got too big. We didn't have enough chairs. So
when you run out of chairs,
you have to kind of re re refigure the plan.
So now it's Colo, Suze and KT.
Suze (02:13):
And we actually love that because Saturday is what KT?
KT (02:17):
Fishing tournament. Wahoo tournament.
Suze (02:19):
All right. And once again we are in the tournament,
weather permitting. What I was trying to say, have you
all noticed a trend
that normally I start with the date then I welcome
all of you because we always have new people. Have
you noticed the trend that before I can do anything
after the date, KT's on.
KT (02:41):
Gobble, gobble, gobble. It is a trend that I hope
never ends.
Suze (02:46):
There you go. So this is the Ask KT and
Suze Anything addition
and this is the Women and Money podcast and everybody
smart enough to listen. Now today we're going to do
something that we did before, but we're gonna do it again.
It's going to be a conversation. Recently, I got an
(03:11):
email because I read the emails along with KT and
I said, KT, this email I think is appropriate
for Thanksgiving. And even though people are gonna listen to
this podcast two weeks after Thanksgiving and whatever, it's an
appropriate conversation
(03:32):
because today,
even though it's Thanksgiving in my wishes for the world,
I wish every day would be a day that we
give Thanks for, thanks for the sun rising. Thanks for
the sun setting. Thanks for whatever it may be. But
I want all of us to have a thankful heart.
(03:54):
This is also a time today, especially when families gather
and they come together as one if they can
and they share joy.
But not everybody is in that situation. Some people are
in different situations.
KT (04:14):
The email that we're about to read is not necessarily
about Thanksgiving menus and recipes. It's about family
and it's about the awkward and the difficult and the
sadder side of what families may experience or go through,
especially the child with the parent.
Suze (04:35):
When it comes to money.
KT (04:37):
Oh, absolutely. That's,
that's why we're here.
Suze (04:39):
So sit down with us, relax and I want you
to participate in this conversation as well. I want you
to ask yourselves the question. How would you answer it?
How do you feel about it?
And maybe it can give you some insight to also
open up a conversation with your entire family and see
(05:02):
how they feel about it on the reverse side as well.
All right, KT.
KT (05:07):
So this is from Cecilia, a daughter. She wrote dear
Suze and KT. Your guidance is a blessing and I'm
so thankful you are a channel for good in the world.
You often address parental questions around how to wisely act
for future generations. But what about family situations in which
(05:30):
the parents are financially irresponsible? Is there a financial obligation
of the child towards the parent or is it primarily
the parent towards the child?
My parents have been in debt and financially irresponsible my
entire life even needing to borrow money from me in
(05:52):
my youth. Now listen to this everyone and think about this.
I still remember at age six, my little yet precious
savings taken.
I've had to in many ways raise myself and teach
myself how to be responsible with money. 30 years later,
I'm now an adult and they still just want to take. So,
(06:15):
Cecilia is obviously referencing her parents. She said I've tried
to guide them even recommending your podcast, Suze, but they
cannot improve and apply any knowledge for change.
So, Cecilia has a problem, right, Suze, she said our
relationship has grown ever distant as they judge all my
(06:38):
actions with a monetary mindset. Their competitive nature is incessantly
sizing me up and seeing how they could benefit even
if I wasn't in a position, truly able to give,
they see all of my actions as having so much
more than them because they are in such a place
of lack.
(06:59):
So that's uh a very awkward place for Cecilia to
be in. So, Suze, how can I balance giving while
not playing the role of the parent as your mantra
starts with people first.
If I don't give, I can feel guilty and if
I do give, then I feel taken advantage of and
like I'm perpetuating an endless cycle. I understand there's a
(07:23):
financial obligation parents have towards their children having brought them
into this world. But is there any
reverse obligation or can I feel free of their expectations
towards me? I especially find myself concerned as they inch
closer to retirement ages and don't have much of any
(07:45):
sufficient nest for all those years to come. Suze, Thank
you for your care and help. Please tell me what
to do, Cecilia.
Suze (07:55):
So KT, you just read that letter.
We're not answering her questions yet. I'm curious as to
how it made you personally feel. What did it bring
up for you?
KT (08:11):
Wow, Suze. It made me feel so lucky, privileged loved
cared for. It made me feel as opposite to what
Cecilia has experienced throughout her life.
Suze (08:24):
And loved by who?
KT (08:24):
My parents, my family, my siblings, so supportive,
my parents so did without in order to take care
of six children and totally responsible, but I didn't know
how much they actually gave up till I became an adult.
I did not really understand that. Why? Because I think
(08:46):
kids are young and selfish.
Suze (08:48):
And the reason that I ask you that KT is
that even more than me, truthfully, obviously, I spent a
lot of money on my mother and everything,
but it was a very different thing with me and
my mother. You
loved that you could help your mother. You wanted, you
(09:09):
wanted to help your mother and father. Now, was it
your responsibility to do so? Or was it your desire
to do so because of how they took care of
you and how responsible they were financially growing up?
KT (09:27):
We never, any of us felt that we were responsible
because they never put us in that position ever.
Suze (09:35):
So then it was a joy for you to give
to them.
KT (09:37):
Oh my God. It was something that not only we
looked forward to, but I worked really hard because I
wanted to give them something special or
thank them in a way that I knew they could
never have for themselves.
Suze (09:53):
And then because they were so responsible with money as
they got older and they got sick and your father
had a stroke, all these things that happened, right.
One of the happiest things in your life was being
able to get your mommy a home, make sure she
had a private aid, do all these things for her.
(10:17):
And that was like, because I remember the day she died,
you were so thrilled that we did such a good
job that she still had $60,000 left so that all
the kids, not you but could get $15,000 each immediately
because she had a will and a trust and everything.
Do you remember that?
KT (10:37):
Yes.
Suze (10:37):
All right. Why do I ask KT that
Cecilia? Did you just hear that?
Obviously it is a parent's responsibility bar none
to take care of their children, nourish their children, educate
(10:58):
their children so that they can grow up and learn
how to thrive in this world of ours. It is
their responsibility to do so.
It seems like they did a pretty good job with you.
And why is that? Because you saw by their behavior,
(11:18):
how you did not want to do that. I just
want you to all put a pin in that for
a second. You said something in this email that I
found so fascinating. And I don't know if you remember this, KT.
I have a thing with the Nine Steps To Financial Freedom,
which was the best book I've ever written. Bar None.
(11:39):
And the whole book's premise to begin with is your
first childhood money memory determines what happens to you in life.
I went around and I started to ask a question
not to 10 people, not to 50 people. Thousands of people.
(12:01):
Could they ever remember
mommy or daddy taking money from your piggy bank and
not paying you back?
Well,
everybody, even if they're incredibly wealthy today, whatever that one
action of taking money from a piggy bank
(12:23):
and not replacing it, scarred them. But it did KT Right.
Did it. But it was that one memory that also
spurred all those people to go and save money on
their own and be responsible for it on their own.
So even though that's a hurtful action and memory that
(12:44):
you have, I would almost guarantee you that it is
that one action plus many after that,
that has made you the successful woman you are today.
So sometimes when we look in our past,
you have to not dwell in the sadness of your past.
(13:05):
You have to dwell in the happiness of who you
are right now
and how you feel about yourself right now. So that
was for you, Cecilia. KT, with that said, I just
have to go back again
to answer Cecilia's number one question. Is it the responsibility
(13:28):
of a child to take care of their parents? If
the parents have been totally irresponsible with money and doing
things with it, that's like throwing it out. Is it?
KT (13:41):
No.
Suze (13:41):
There you go. I agree with that.
Would it be any different
if your parents were drug addicts? Because I've gone through
this many times with people, they're drug addicts, they're alcoholics,
they're gamblers and they have no money and they always
want the money from the kids so they can go
(14:01):
back to the gambling. They have nothing, nothing.
Would you give them the money then?
KT (14:09):
I would give them intervention, but I would not give
them money. I'd give them intervention. That's a responsibility.
Suze (14:16):
But Cecilia,
would you feel guilty not giving them money if that
money was leading to the destruction of who they are? Drugs,
alcohol gambling? I want you to seriously think about that.
I think it would be a lot easier KT for
Cecilia to go
(14:39):
for you. To go drink yourself to death.
It's, she could rationalize that.
KT (14:45):
Right.
Suze (14:45):
It's very hard to rationalize, not giving when, when they're
just irresponsible. Which means they spend money, they don't invest it,
they don't take care of themselves.
Do you agree with that?
KT (15:00):
Yeah, I do agree with it. I, that's why I'm saying.
I think that Cecilia's difficulty here, Suze is that, it
looks like she's the only source. She's the only money.
Suze (15:12):
I have a feeling she's the only child.
KT (15:13):
I think she's the only money pit, which is why
she's really in turmoil about how do I do this.
Suze (15:20):
So obviously, you see where this is going. Cecilia number one,
we're gonna hopefully talk you off
the wall of guilt. We're gonna talk you off the
wall of feeling that it's your responsibility and we're gonna
talk to you on the wall of putting people first,
then money, then things because the first thing I have
to straighten out is this when I say people first,
(15:44):
I do not mean other people. I do not mean
go out and take care of the world. I mean,
you have got to take care of yourself.
Maybe I need to change that to you first, then
money then things. But Cecilia, the people I'm talking about
in that phrase is you.
(16:05):
So you have to put yourself before money. You have
to put yourself into a situation where you feel good
about every action that you take. That's number one. Number two. Again,
I go back to this. How many years have I
been saying that you and your money are one. If
(16:30):
you give your money away
to somebody who wastes it, what you are doing is
you are giving a part of yourself away to your parents.
Not money. That's true. That's the vehicle. But you and
your money are one. Money is a physical manifestation of
(16:52):
who you are.
So, the reason that you feel so bad about this,
in my opinion is that you are disrespecting yourself.
You are giving a part of yourself away, which actually
hurts more than giving money
(17:13):
if that made sense. Did that make sense to you KT?
KT (17:15):
Yeah, I think it does make a whole lot of
sense to me, but I want the listeners to really
understand what you're trying to do to help her.
Suze (17:25):
So now I will get to that.
Hopefully, we have answered the question,
parents need and must be responsible for their children.
In my opinion, in KT's opinion, some of you may disagree.
There is no mandate that a child is responsible for
(17:48):
a parent who is absolutely disrespectful of money only loves
me for money, any of those things. Now,
when a parent gets old, they've been respectful, they've loved you,
they've honored their money, they've done everything they can. That's
another story. You know, it's funny, KT, what I'm thinking
(18:10):
of as I say this, how many parents even if
they're grandparents now, they're old and they still have their
children alive, right. Say,
I don't want to be a burden on my family.
KT (18:24):
Oh, many. They all do.
Suze (18:25):
Think about it. Everybody do any of you wanna be
a burden on your children. And I can tell you
if you love your children, the answer to that is no,
a lot of times I talk to people I go,
why don't you just take a little vacation? Why can't
you just get a little bit newer car so it
(18:46):
doesn't break down on you in the middle of the
night or whatever it is. And they say no, I'm
saving every penny for my kids. I want my kids
to have everything.
Cecilia. That's how loving parents think they don't look at
their kids as a money ticket. They don't make their
(19:06):
kids feel bad.
So if you choose
to give money away, right? You cannot feel like you
are being taken advantage of then. And I'm quoting your
email right now.
You have to feel like you are disrespecting yourself.
(19:30):
Did you hear what I just said, Cecilia, this isn't about,
they have so much power that they could take advantage
of you. So you give them money.
Only you have the power to make a decision what
you do with money, what you do with your life.
So number one, you have got to get this concept
(19:51):
of they're taking advantage of you if you give them
money out of your mind. What else would I tell
you to do?
The first thing I would tell you to do, believe
it or not is I would go see them. I
would sit down with them
and I would look them right in the eye and
(20:11):
maybe you tell them to listen to this podcast or
that you want to play this podcast for them,
sit with them and let them listen to this podcast.
They don't want to find no problem. You go over
and you sit with them and you say mom and dad,
I love you very much. However, I am letting you
(20:34):
know from this day on, I am not giving you
any more money.
If you need food, I'll go get food for you
and give you food.
But make it clear to them that the Bank of
Cecilia is closed, no matter what they say, no matter
(20:58):
how bad off they get, you have to be strong
enough to let them hit rock bottom because I have
found over my 40 years of doing this, change doesn't
come easy
and change normally comes financially speaking, when the people have
(21:19):
hit rock bottom, they have no more credit lines. They
have nobody to go to, to ask for money. Every
avenue of that financial river has been dammed up and
they are bone dry.
So
that's what you have to do and you have to
(21:40):
be strong enough to do that.
KT (21:44):
So, Suze, I agree. With all of that. But I
would have a slightly different approach. I would talk to
my parents and I would let them know clearly that
I don't feel good. I've been feeling very sad and
very depressed and they say why honey say because I
feel that you only want me around for my money.
(22:05):
So therefore I need to feel that you love me
for who I am. From this day forward, I'm gonna
stop financing you or giving you money or bailing you out.
Suze (22:16):
All right, you've let's role play. You're Cecilia, I'm mom.
You came to me and you just said that
and I say that is not true. We love you
for who you are. We've never loved you for your money.
We've da da da da da because you have to
understand KT parents like this are in total denial. Anyway,
you come from a place because you are so sweet,
(22:39):
so sweet and you actually don't know anything other than love.
So just remember KT comes from a family, she has
never experienced anything
but love in her life. How fabulous is that?
KT (22:56):
I know. Very fabulous. That's what I'm always thankful for
every day. So what I would do, mom. All right,
you're my mom, right?
Suze (23:04):
I've never felt that way about you. Why do you
say that you're wrong.
KT (23:10):
If you mean that mom then starting today, I don't
want you to ask for money. I'm not going to
give you or daddy any more money. But I did
come up with a couple ideas for you to help
you when you get in those jams or to make
ends meet.
I think that you can do a couple of things
to make money or to find money other than calling
(23:33):
me for it. One is...
Suze (23:35):
Like what Cecilia? Look at this house, I have nothing here.
Look at everything around me.
KT (23:41):
You have a lot of things and you can sell
things you don't use or need anymore who would want
to buy this junk?
Well, a lot of people, you have a yard sale
and you give it a shot. You can probably make
about $50 100 dollars. Who knows? But start with that
mom second. You may want to downsize and live in
a smaller, more affordable place and then there's the jobs,
(24:04):
there's always part time work and jobs and opportunities that
you can do on the side to try to make
those ends meet.
The only thing mom that and dad, that I'm absolutely
always gonna be there for you is to make sure
that you're eating healthy and I can always assist you
(24:26):
in providing a hot meal or maybe even come and
cook for you once a month.
Suze (24:30):
KT, That was actually great.
But Cecilia, did you see how that went? Don't go
in there when you sit down expecting that your mother
and father are going to first time in your life,
understand anything that you are saying?
KT (24:48):
So they're gonna, they won't embrace you with love. They're
gonna probably get really mad. So, but here, so be ready.
Suze (24:54):
But here is why I want you to do it.
You aren't doing this for them.
You are doing this for yourself. You are doing this
so that you can be clear
that you have set boundaries. You've said what you wanted
to say, that's that you do it for yourself. If
(25:15):
they hear you fine, if they don't hear you fine,
all that matters is you have a voice and you
said it, remember, I've said your voice is your power
and you need to switch from guilty
to not guilty. You need to switch from feeling taken
(25:39):
advantage of to knowing you're not being taken advantage of.
You cannot give out a guilt. If you give out
a guilt, then you have totally disrespected yourself as well.
So you are going to have to become far stronger
than you have ever been. And why do I say that?
(26:00):
You have given to them out of weakness,
not strength, you have given to them out of the
wrong reasons because it's easier to give than to say no.
You now have to say no out of love for
yourself versus yes, out of fear
that they're not gonna like you. They're not gonna do this. Oh,
(26:21):
please look at your relationship already. That would be our
advice to you,
our advice where you stand in the truth of your
own self-respect, your own love and your own thankfulness for
giving yourself a life where you are financially, pretty much independent.
(26:44):
You are doing things exactly how you want in your
own life and be thankful as well that you have
parents like that
because that's what you have. So you might as well
be thankful because look at the gifts they gave you
and the gifts that they gave you are gifts of
(27:06):
self independence.
So that brings us to the end of this Suze
and KT conversation. Did you enjoy that KT?
KT (27:16):
I did. But it's a little depressing.
Suze (27:18):
It's not depressing. It actually,
KT (27:21):
it actually liberating, isn't it?
Suze (27:22):
It's liberating, but it's standing in your truth. And I
have to tell you, KT, this is not just one
person having this problem. There are hundreds of thousands of
people out there, maybe millions, which is why I chose
it for today
because
I know that more of you will relate to this
(27:44):
than less of you, believe it or not. So therefore,
there's only one thing that we want to do today
besides wish you a very, very happy Thanksgiving. And if
you're listening to this podcast
after Thanksgiving, we hope you had a great one. But
it's this
(28:05):
I mean, you then what KT?
KT (28:08):
Then money.
Suze (28:09):
Then things and if you do that, stay healthy. Stay safe.
We promise you you will be unstoppable!
KT (28:19):
Gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble.
Suze (28:21):
And there she goes again.
Hi, everybody. This is Robert, the producer here. Now, now
stay with me. I just have two very quick things
to tell you, uh, before we get to today's episode.
Now the other day, Suze posted a picture of herself
on the Women and Money Community app and she asked
all of you, how old you thought she was in
that photograph. And then she posted that the right answer
(00:22):
would be revealed on today's podcast. So
the correct answer is Suze is 40 years old in
that picture. Pretty cool, right? I really dig that sweater. Uh,
the second thing that I need to say to you
is Happy Thanksgiving and thank you for listening to this
podcast and now on with a brand new episode... (Music)
Suze (01:21):
November 28th, 2024
KT (01:24):
Gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble.
Suze (01:28):
Why are you gobbling KT?
KT (01:30):
Today's Turkey Day? Everybody. Probably my most favorite holiday of
all time.
Suze (01:36):
And why is that? Well, it's because of my stuffing.
KT (01:41):
This is the day that Suze traditionally cooks and cooks
the best turkey dinner
ever, ever, ever, ever. We used to have massive, you know,
family members and groups and gatherings. Now it's pared down. No,
they love us and they so want to have...
Suze (02:01):
They all have their families, families, families now.
KT (02:03):
It got too big. We didn't have enough chairs. So
when you run out of chairs,
you have to kind of re re refigure the plan.
So now it's Colo, Suze and KT.
Suze (02:13):
And we actually love that because Saturday is what KT?
KT (02:17):
Fishing tournament. Wahoo tournament.
Suze (02:19):
All right. And once again we are in the tournament,
weather permitting. What I was trying to say, have you
all noticed a trend
that normally I start with the date then I welcome
all of you because we always have new people. Have
you noticed the trend that before I can do anything
after the date, KT's on.
KT (02:41):
Gobble, gobble, gobble. It is a trend that I hope
never ends.
Suze (02:46):
There you go. So this is the Ask KT and
Suze Anything addition
and this is the Women and Money podcast and everybody
smart enough to listen. Now today we're going to do
something that we did before, but we're gonna do it again.
It's going to be a conversation. Recently, I got an
(03:11):
email because I read the emails along with KT and
I said, KT, this email I think is appropriate
for Thanksgiving. And even though people are gonna listen to
this podcast two weeks after Thanksgiving and whatever, it's an
appropriate conversation
(03:32):
because today,
even though it's Thanksgiving in my wishes for the world,
I wish every day would be a day that we
give Thanks for, thanks for the sun rising. Thanks for
the sun setting. Thanks for whatever it may be. But
I want all of us to have a thankful heart.
(03:54):
This is also a time today, especially when families gather
and they come together as one if they can
and they share joy.
But not everybody is in that situation. Some people are
in different situations.
KT (04:14):
The email that we're about to read is not necessarily
about Thanksgiving menus and recipes. It's about family
and it's about the awkward and the difficult and the
sadder side of what families may experience or go through,
especially the child with the parent.
Suze (04:35):
When it comes to money.
KT (04:37):
Oh, absolutely. That's,
that's why we're here.
Suze (04:39):
So sit down with us, relax and I want you
to participate in this conversation as well. I want you
to ask yourselves the question. How would you answer it?
How do you feel about it?
And maybe it can give you some insight to also
open up a conversation with your entire family and see
(05:02):
how they feel about it on the reverse side as well.
All right, KT.
KT (05:07):
So this is from Cecilia, a daughter. She wrote dear
Suze and KT. Your guidance is a blessing and I'm
so thankful you are a channel for good in the world.
You often address parental questions around how to wisely act
for future generations. But what about family situations in which
(05:30):
the parents are financially irresponsible? Is there a financial obligation
of the child towards the parent or is it primarily
the parent towards the child?
My parents have been in debt and financially irresponsible my
entire life even needing to borrow money from me in
(05:52):
my youth. Now listen to this everyone and think about this.
I still remember at age six, my little yet precious
savings taken.
I've had to in many ways raise myself and teach
myself how to be responsible with money. 30 years later,
I'm now an adult and they still just want to take. So,
(06:15):
Cecilia is obviously referencing her parents. She said I've tried
to guide them even recommending your podcast, Suze, but they
cannot improve and apply any knowledge for change.
So, Cecilia has a problem, right, Suze, she said our
relationship has grown ever distant as they judge all my
(06:38):
actions with a monetary mindset. Their competitive nature is incessantly
sizing me up and seeing how they could benefit even
if I wasn't in a position, truly able to give,
they see all of my actions as having so much
more than them because they are in such a place
of lack.
(06:59):
So that's uh a very awkward place for Cecilia to
be in. So, Suze, how can I balance giving while
not playing the role of the parent as your mantra
starts with people first.
If I don't give, I can feel guilty and if
I do give, then I feel taken advantage of and
like I'm perpetuating an endless cycle. I understand there's a
(07:23):
financial obligation parents have towards their children having brought them
into this world. But is there any
reverse obligation or can I feel free of their expectations
towards me? I especially find myself concerned as they inch
closer to retirement ages and don't have much of any
(07:45):
sufficient nest for all those years to come. Suze, Thank
you for your care and help. Please tell me what
to do, Cecilia.
Suze (07:55):
So KT, you just read that letter.
We're not answering her questions yet. I'm curious as to
how it made you personally feel. What did it bring
up for you?
KT (08:11):
Wow, Suze. It made me feel so lucky, privileged loved
cared for. It made me feel as opposite to what
Cecilia has experienced throughout her life.
Suze (08:24):
And loved by who?
KT (08:24):
My parents, my family, my siblings, so supportive,
my parents so did without in order to take care
of six children and totally responsible, but I didn't know
how much they actually gave up till I became an adult.
I did not really understand that. Why? Because I think
(08:46):
kids are young and selfish.
Suze (08:48):
And the reason that I ask you that KT is
that even more than me, truthfully, obviously, I spent a
lot of money on my mother and everything,
but it was a very different thing with me and
my mother. You
loved that you could help your mother. You wanted, you
(09:09):
wanted to help your mother and father. Now, was it
your responsibility to do so? Or was it your desire
to do so because of how they took care of
you and how responsible they were financially growing up?
KT (09:27):
We never, any of us felt that we were responsible
because they never put us in that position ever.
Suze (09:35):
So then it was a joy for you to give
to them.
KT (09:37):
Oh my God. It was something that not only we
looked forward to, but I worked really hard because I
wanted to give them something special or
thank them in a way that I knew they could
never have for themselves.
Suze (09:53):
And then because they were so responsible with money as
they got older and they got sick and your father
had a stroke, all these things that happened, right.
One of the happiest things in your life was being
able to get your mommy a home, make sure she
had a private aid, do all these things for her.
(10:17):
And that was like, because I remember the day she died,
you were so thrilled that we did such a good
job that she still had $60,000 left so that all
the kids, not you but could get $15,000 each immediately
because she had a will and a trust and everything.
Do you remember that?
KT (10:37):
Yes.
Suze (10:37):
All right. Why do I ask KT that
Cecilia? Did you just hear that?
Obviously it is a parent's responsibility bar none
to take care of their children, nourish their children, educate
(10:58):
their children so that they can grow up and learn
how to thrive in this world of ours. It is
their responsibility to do so.
It seems like they did a pretty good job with you.
And why is that? Because you saw by their behavior,
(11:18):
how you did not want to do that. I just
want you to all put a pin in that for
a second. You said something in this email that I
found so fascinating. And I don't know if you remember this, KT.
I have a thing with the Nine Steps To Financial Freedom,
which was the best book I've ever written. Bar None.
(11:39):
And the whole book's premise to begin with is your
first childhood money memory determines what happens to you in life.
I went around and I started to ask a question
not to 10 people, not to 50 people. Thousands of people.
(12:01):
Could they ever remember
mommy or daddy taking money from your piggy bank and
not paying you back?
Well,
everybody, even if they're incredibly wealthy today, whatever that one
action of taking money from a piggy bank
(12:23):
and not replacing it, scarred them. But it did KT Right.
Did it. But it was that one memory that also
spurred all those people to go and save money on
their own and be responsible for it on their own.
So even though that's a hurtful action and memory that
(12:44):
you have, I would almost guarantee you that it is
that one action plus many after that,
that has made you the successful woman you are today.
So sometimes when we look in our past,
you have to not dwell in the sadness of your past.
(13:05):
You have to dwell in the happiness of who you
are right now
and how you feel about yourself right now. So that
was for you, Cecilia. KT, with that said, I just
have to go back again
to answer Cecilia's number one question. Is it the responsibility
(13:28):
of a child to take care of their parents? If
the parents have been totally irresponsible with money and doing
things with it, that's like throwing it out. Is it?
KT (13:41):
No.
Suze (13:41):
There you go. I agree with that.
Would it be any different
if your parents were drug addicts? Because I've gone through
this many times with people, they're drug addicts, they're alcoholics,
they're gamblers and they have no money and they always
want the money from the kids so they can go
(14:01):
back to the gambling. They have nothing, nothing.
Would you give them the money then?
KT (14:09):
I would give them intervention, but I would not give
them money. I'd give them intervention. That's a responsibility.
Suze (14:16):
But Cecilia,
would you feel guilty not giving them money if that
money was leading to the destruction of who they are? Drugs,
alcohol gambling? I want you to seriously think about that.
I think it would be a lot easier KT for
Cecilia to go
(14:39):
for you. To go drink yourself to death.
It's, she could rationalize that.
KT (14:45):
Right.
Suze (14:45):
It's very hard to rationalize, not giving when, when they're
just irresponsible. Which means they spend money, they don't invest it,
they don't take care of themselves.
Do you agree with that?
KT (15:00):
Yeah, I do agree with it. I, that's why I'm saying.
I think that Cecilia's difficulty here, Suze is that, it
looks like she's the only source. She's the only money.
Suze (15:12):
I have a feeling she's the only child.
KT (15:13):
I think she's the only money pit, which is why
she's really in turmoil about how do I do this.
Suze (15:20):
So obviously, you see where this is going. Cecilia number one,
we're gonna hopefully talk you off
the wall of guilt. We're gonna talk you off the
wall of feeling that it's your responsibility and we're gonna
talk to you on the wall of putting people first,
then money, then things because the first thing I have
to straighten out is this when I say people first,
(15:44):
I do not mean other people. I do not mean
go out and take care of the world. I mean,
you have got to take care of yourself.
Maybe I need to change that to you first, then
money then things. But Cecilia, the people I'm talking about
in that phrase is you.
(16:05):
So you have to put yourself before money. You have
to put yourself into a situation where you feel good
about every action that you take. That's number one. Number two. Again,
I go back to this. How many years have I
been saying that you and your money are one. If
(16:30):
you give your money away
to somebody who wastes it, what you are doing is
you are giving a part of yourself away to your parents.
Not money. That's true. That's the vehicle. But you and
your money are one. Money is a physical manifestation of
(16:52):
who you are.
So, the reason that you feel so bad about this,
in my opinion is that you are disrespecting yourself.
You are giving a part of yourself away, which actually
hurts more than giving money
(17:13):
if that made sense. Did that make sense to you KT?
KT (17:15):
Yeah, I think it does make a whole lot of
sense to me, but I want the listeners to really
understand what you're trying to do to help her.
Suze (17:25):
So now I will get to that.
Hopefully, we have answered the question,
parents need and must be responsible for their children.
In my opinion, in KT's opinion, some of you may disagree.
There is no mandate that a child is responsible for
(17:48):
a parent who is absolutely disrespectful of money only loves
me for money, any of those things. Now,
when a parent gets old, they've been respectful, they've loved you,
they've honored their money, they've done everything they can. That's
another story. You know, it's funny, KT, what I'm thinking
(18:10):
of as I say this, how many parents even if
they're grandparents now, they're old and they still have their
children alive, right. Say,
I don't want to be a burden on my family.
KT (18:24):
Oh, many. They all do.
Suze (18:25):
Think about it. Everybody do any of you wanna be
a burden on your children. And I can tell you
if you love your children, the answer to that is no,
a lot of times I talk to people I go,
why don't you just take a little vacation? Why can't
you just get a little bit newer car so it
(18:46):
doesn't break down on you in the middle of the
night or whatever it is. And they say no, I'm
saving every penny for my kids. I want my kids
to have everything.
Cecilia. That's how loving parents think they don't look at
their kids as a money ticket. They don't make their
(19:06):
kids feel bad.
So if you choose
to give money away, right? You cannot feel like you
are being taken advantage of then. And I'm quoting your
email right now.
You have to feel like you are disrespecting yourself.
(19:30):
Did you hear what I just said, Cecilia, this isn't about,
they have so much power that they could take advantage
of you. So you give them money.
Only you have the power to make a decision what
you do with money, what you do with your life.
So number one, you have got to get this concept
(19:51):
of they're taking advantage of you if you give them
money out of your mind. What else would I tell
you to do?
The first thing I would tell you to do, believe
it or not is I would go see them. I
would sit down with them
and I would look them right in the eye and
(20:11):
maybe you tell them to listen to this podcast or
that you want to play this podcast for them,
sit with them and let them listen to this podcast.
They don't want to find no problem. You go over
and you sit with them and you say mom and dad,
I love you very much. However, I am letting you
(20:34):
know from this day on, I am not giving you
any more money.
If you need food, I'll go get food for you
and give you food.
But make it clear to them that the Bank of
Cecilia is closed, no matter what they say, no matter
(20:58):
how bad off they get, you have to be strong
enough to let them hit rock bottom because I have
found over my 40 years of doing this, change doesn't
come easy
and change normally comes financially speaking, when the people have
(21:19):
hit rock bottom, they have no more credit lines. They
have nobody to go to, to ask for money. Every
avenue of that financial river has been dammed up and
they are bone dry.
So
that's what you have to do and you have to
(21:40):
be strong enough to do that.
KT (21:44):
So, Suze, I agree. With all of that. But I
would have a slightly different approach. I would talk to
my parents and I would let them know clearly that
I don't feel good. I've been feeling very sad and
very depressed and they say why honey say because I
feel that you only want me around for my money.
(22:05):
So therefore I need to feel that you love me
for who I am. From this day forward, I'm gonna
stop financing you or giving you money or bailing you out.
Suze (22:16):
All right, you've let's role play. You're Cecilia, I'm mom.
You came to me and you just said that
and I say that is not true. We love you
for who you are. We've never loved you for your money.
We've da da da da da because you have to
understand KT parents like this are in total denial. Anyway,
you come from a place because you are so sweet,
(22:39):
so sweet and you actually don't know anything other than love.
So just remember KT comes from a family, she has
never experienced anything
but love in her life. How fabulous is that?
KT (22:56):
I know. Very fabulous. That's what I'm always thankful for
every day. So what I would do, mom. All right,
you're my mom, right?
Suze (23:04):
I've never felt that way about you. Why do you
say that you're wrong.
KT (23:10):
If you mean that mom then starting today, I don't
want you to ask for money. I'm not going to
give you or daddy any more money. But I did
come up with a couple ideas for you to help
you when you get in those jams or to make
ends meet.
I think that you can do a couple of things
to make money or to find money other than calling
(23:33):
me for it. One is...
Suze (23:35):
Like what Cecilia? Look at this house, I have nothing here.
Look at everything around me.
KT (23:41):
You have a lot of things and you can sell
things you don't use or need anymore who would want
to buy this junk?
Well, a lot of people, you have a yard sale
and you give it a shot. You can probably make
about $50 100 dollars. Who knows? But start with that
mom second. You may want to downsize and live in
a smaller, more affordable place and then there's the jobs,
(24:04):
there's always part time work and jobs and opportunities that
you can do on the side to try to make
those ends meet.
The only thing mom that and dad, that I'm absolutely
always gonna be there for you is to make sure
that you're eating healthy and I can always assist you
(24:26):
in providing a hot meal or maybe even come and
cook for you once a month.
Suze (24:30):
KT, That was actually great.
But Cecilia, did you see how that went? Don't go
in there when you sit down expecting that your mother
and father are going to first time in your life,
understand anything that you are saying?
KT (24:48):
So they're gonna, they won't embrace you with love. They're
gonna probably get really mad. So, but here, so be ready.
Suze (24:54):
But here is why I want you to do it.
You aren't doing this for them.
You are doing this for yourself. You are doing this
so that you can be clear
that you have set boundaries. You've said what you wanted
to say, that's that you do it for yourself. If
(25:15):
they hear you fine, if they don't hear you fine,
all that matters is you have a voice and you
said it, remember, I've said your voice is your power
and you need to switch from guilty
to not guilty. You need to switch from feeling taken
(25:39):
advantage of to knowing you're not being taken advantage of.
You cannot give out a guilt. If you give out
a guilt, then you have totally disrespected yourself as well.
So you are going to have to become far stronger
than you have ever been. And why do I say that?
(26:00):
You have given to them out of weakness,
not strength, you have given to them out of the
wrong reasons because it's easier to give than to say no.
You now have to say no out of love for
yourself versus yes, out of fear
that they're not gonna like you. They're not gonna do this. Oh,
(26:21):
please look at your relationship already. That would be our
advice to you,
our advice where you stand in the truth of your
own self-respect, your own love and your own thankfulness for
giving yourself a life where you are financially, pretty much independent.
(26:44):
You are doing things exactly how you want in your
own life and be thankful as well that you have
parents like that
because that's what you have. So you might as well
be thankful because look at the gifts they gave you
and the gifts that they gave you are gifts of
(27:06):
self independence.
So that brings us to the end of this Suze
and KT conversation. Did you enjoy that KT?
KT (27:16):
I did. But it's a little depressing.
Suze (27:18):
It's not depressing. It actually,
KT (27:21):
it actually liberating, isn't it?
Suze (27:22):
It's liberating, but it's standing in your truth. And I
have to tell you, KT, this is not just one
person having this problem. There are hundreds of thousands of
people out there, maybe millions, which is why I chose
it for today
because
I know that more of you will relate to this
(27:44):
than less of you, believe it or not. So therefore,
there's only one thing that we want to do today
besides wish you a very, very happy Thanksgiving. And if
you're listening to this podcast
after Thanksgiving, we hope you had a great one. But
it's this
(28:05):
I mean, you then what KT?
KT (28:08):
Then money.
Suze (28:09):
Then things and if you do that, stay healthy. Stay safe.
We promise you you will be unstoppable!
KT (28:19):
Gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble.
Suze (28:21):
And there she goes again.
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