April 17, 2025 • 33 mins
It’s another round of Dear Banya and we’re helping Scrubbers with some nearly expert advice!
We try to help a “Tanya” who may have self-sabotaged, how important is chemistry in a relationship, and how do you handle in-law drama??
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Scrubbing in with Beca Tilly and Tanya rad and iHeartRadio
and two times People's Choice Award winning podcast That's right.
Speaker 2 (00:10):
We are hello, everybody. We are scrubbing it.
Speaker 1 (00:15):
Rub a dub dub and the tub dub tum.
Speaker 2 (00:21):
How to ring to it? That sound? How you doing?
Speaker 1 (00:25):
Dan good? Hiding?
Speaker 2 (00:26):
Dan good? Dan good good?
Speaker 1 (00:30):
How long is Haley out a town for for the
whole week?
Speaker 2 (00:32):
Two weeks?
Speaker 3 (00:33):
Whoa?
Speaker 2 (00:35):
Everyone hush follows over the room. I'm good.
Speaker 3 (00:41):
Are you better with that? Better? Okay?
Speaker 2 (00:44):
I'm better?
Speaker 3 (00:44):
Good?
Speaker 2 (00:45):
Yeah, I'm better. I'm healthier, mentally stronger, mentally right and
also sad.
Speaker 3 (00:51):
It's kind of sad, but I feel like the deeper
you get in your relationship, the more you're like, oh,
I kind of don't mind the freedom of this.
Speaker 2 (00:58):
Oh no, I hate her being gone. That's like, I
hate it. It takes me a few days to like
adjust to sleeping and like, I just I love our
I love doing stuff like everything with her, and so
I think like having dinner together and going to bed
and having our show. You know, it's just like that.
Speaker 1 (01:16):
Well, the nighttime routine is like sad, like and he's gone,
I'm like, this is sad, although I have.
Speaker 2 (01:21):
To say I have like the hardest time getting out
of bed and being productive if she's in bed next
to me. So like I'm way more productive in terms
of doing stuff, which is nice.
Speaker 1 (01:32):
Oh that is nice because like.
Speaker 2 (01:33):
When I just want to be like sitting next to
her if she's there.
Speaker 1 (01:37):
I like literally wept tears when I left, probably to
go to New York, like actual tears.
Speaker 2 (01:43):
Well, yeah, that was right, yo, it just got very.
Speaker 1 (01:46):
Yeah I do that was a part of it.
Speaker 2 (01:48):
Yeah yeah.
Speaker 1 (01:49):
But like I keep telling him, I'm like, I know
the newlywed phase ends, because it's literally called like the
newlywed phase, but like I don't want it to end,
Like how do we preserve this?
Speaker 2 (02:00):
Just get married every year?
Speaker 1 (02:01):
Yeah, or celebrate every month like or every month. Yeah,
I don't want to lose it.
Speaker 2 (02:08):
Just never stop celebrating being in love.
Speaker 1 (02:12):
You know, I did a lot of really sweet dms.
I posted that something about like being newly wet and
I never want to like lose this feeling. And I
got a lot of dams from people who've been married
for like twenty years plus saying like they still feel
that same way about their husband, And I'm like Okay,
so some people still can have it.
Speaker 2 (02:27):
Yeah, I think. I think. I mean, you put in
the effort, you reap what you so mm hmm. The
grass is green where you water water it.
Speaker 1 (02:37):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (02:39):
So anyways, shall we get into some deer bonio questions?
Was enough four play for you?
Speaker 1 (02:45):
It wasn't quite the amount of four play that I
usually like, but it's fine for today.
Speaker 3 (02:50):
This is from a spiral thing scrubber. By the way,
I like that if you don't want to give us
your name, rather than just be anonymous, do something cute
with it, you know.
Speaker 2 (02:56):
Yeah, yeah, well I hate that she's spiraling, but yeah
that's true.
Speaker 3 (03:01):
But you know, come up with some alliterative signtu.
Speaker 1 (03:04):
Yeah, I like it too.
Speaker 3 (03:05):
Harod and hopeless. All right. This is from a spiral
link scrubber. I have been with my boyfriend five years.
He's thirty one. I'll be thirty three in June. I
love him, I love our life together. We're figuring out
next steps as far as our future together. One thing
for me is I don't always feel our sexual chemistry.
It's something I've stressed about throughout a relationship and have
tried not to overthink it. Don't get me wrong. We
(03:26):
are into it regularly, but I don't often crave him
or have vagina tingles, and can't say I had them
even early on in our relationship. Listening to your recent
dear binding episode of hearing about the almond milk versus
froyo with toppings sparks some anxiety. By the way, that
was really funny. I watched the Instagram for that and
left all over again. Should I be worried they don't
(03:46):
have those vagina singles? Am I with the wrong person?
Or can it be normal to just be content with
less sexual chemistry? Sincerely, a spiral link scrubber.
Speaker 2 (03:54):
Hmmm, you know what's interesting. It's totally fine to be
content if that's a you want. I always saw I
can be content like in my life before I met Haley,
I thought like, I can be happy and I can
feel content. But I now that I've had something more,
I realize how much more fulfilling it is to not
(04:16):
just be content with the person I'm with. I'm curious
about your thoughts on this, because you're very Before Robbie,
you were very much like vagina tingles.
Speaker 1 (04:27):
However, kind of no. I was never about no vagina tingles.
Are always a priority.
Speaker 2 (04:34):
Yeah, I don't know that you prioritize them before Robbie.
Speaker 1 (04:37):
No, I think that vagina tingles can grow over time.
I don't think you just have instant vagina tingles all
the time. M hm. However, I did have those with
Robbie right away. But I'm saying if it doesn't happen
right away doesn't mean that they're never gonna come. But
I do think they're important. You're sick.
Speaker 2 (05:01):
I was sick, but they've been together during my five years.
Speaker 1 (05:06):
Yeah, it's not coming, not coming after five years.
Speaker 2 (05:10):
I don't think you don't think they can develop after
five years.
Speaker 1 (05:14):
No, I think they can develop after a couple of months.
Speaker 2 (05:17):
Yeah, but do you think that it's something because you
know how I've referenced this episode before and everyone acted
like I was crazy. But we had like a sex
therapist on and it was over Zoom and she we
talked about how people have different sex languages or whatever
sex preference.
Speaker 1 (05:38):
Episode seemed to escaping me.
Speaker 2 (05:41):
I know, maybe I did it alone.
Speaker 1 (05:43):
Yeah, I don't know.
Speaker 2 (05:44):
Anyways, it is basically saying how people have different preferences,
like some people like like it very like straightforward and gentle,
and romantic. Some people have like kinks and like have things,
and if you're not catering to those things or feel like,
say enough to express those things, then you're not getting
what you want in a in a sexual capacity, right,
(06:06):
And so maybe something.
Speaker 1 (06:07):
Is joy sixty nine. Some people don't.
Speaker 2 (06:10):
Simply put yes.
Speaker 4 (06:12):
It's a fantastic example time.
Speaker 2 (06:15):
Simply put yes.
Speaker 1 (06:16):
But maybe she does and he's not giving her that.
Speaker 2 (06:18):
Yeah, Or maybe y'all haven't even had that conversation about
what you like in a very open and honest way,
because it's very vulnerable to share like the things that
you like and prefer if it's different from your partners.
But if you haven't had that conversation, I would look
into into having that and seeing if the tingles can develop.
Speaker 1 (06:42):
Yeah, there's this show, what's it called Goop? It was
like some sort of Gwyneth Paltrow show.
Speaker 2 (06:49):
I think that I just watched the show, and I
think I had a podcast about it.
Speaker 1 (06:53):
So I would suggest watching that show, because, yeah, you're right,
there are like different things and maybe like you'll, something
will like ign night spark and interest in you.
Speaker 2 (07:02):
But also here's my question for you, are you content
with just being content? In your relationship.
Speaker 3 (07:10):
Here's a quote on this, and I'm curious that's your
thoughts about this quote because it is widely shared. It's
okay to head out for wonderful, but when you get
to all right, stop and look around, because this might
be as far as you need to go. Okay, all right, Well.
Speaker 2 (07:31):
I think we should strive for more than all right.
But I think in your relationship with everything else is great.
And this is a path that y'all haven't even gone
down in terms of discussing what you like. I think
you start with that and see if you can get
that craving and chemistry with him.
Speaker 3 (07:52):
And also I think that over time in a relationship,
these things can blossom in terms of knowing each other better. Yeah,
and then you're gonna look forward or do it more
because you have that deeper connection that it is formed.
Speaker 2 (08:03):
Well, that was the whole series that Goop did. It
was basically these couples that were in this like stagnant
place in their relationship.
Speaker 1 (08:09):
The like did like tantric sex stuff.
Speaker 4 (08:11):
Yeah, you guys did interview Jaya Sexologist from Sex Love
and Goop on Netflix.
Speaker 3 (08:16):
Both of you talked to.
Speaker 4 (08:20):
This was November one.
Speaker 2 (08:22):
Yeah, I knew it year great year, Yeah, but spiraling scrubber.
Start there and then look into your relationship and say,
am I just comfortable or is this a person I
want to spend my life with? Do you get tingles
in other places in your relationship out of sex? Like
(08:43):
do you get excited to go do things together? Do
you excited to do little things like having a routine
where you make dinner together or watch TV show?
Speaker 1 (08:52):
Like?
Speaker 2 (08:52):
Does is there anything in the relationship that excites you
outside of sex? Because if the answer is no, then
I think you you are ready. You should seek wonderful
instead of all right, But if you have other areas
where you're like, I am so excited about this part
of our relationship, then this is something I think you
work on and nurture.
Speaker 3 (09:15):
Yes, there we go. All right, great, Elle, says Hi Easton, Tanya, Mark,
and Becca, my best friend introduced me to y'all when
Tanya first started coming on the podcast. I'd love to
getting to know each of you and appreciate each of
you showing up for us each week. I just found
out I'm pregnant for the first time, and yesterday my
doctor told me it's twins. My husband and I instantly
(09:40):
started laughing out of shock really, but also because we
always said it was real possibility because they run on
both sides of our families, so of course it happened
to us. We are ecstatic but still in shock. Both
of our families live across the country. We want fun
ways to share it with them. How would you share
this news or how would you want to be told? Mark?
We may not have the time to tell them in
person before I start to actually show litt alone. Wanted
(10:00):
to get this secret out there to them. Ps, Tanya,
watch out. I may take the twin names Yo and
y'ah love you guys.
Speaker 1 (10:09):
Might I suggest a different name? Tanya and Becca are
really good girl names.
Speaker 2 (10:14):
Ya ya Tanya yah yah.
Speaker 1 (10:19):
And Cocabecca and yeah yeah, how to tell them as anything?
Jumping out?
Speaker 2 (10:31):
What if you had twins deliver things to everybody? Like
a set of twins deliver flowers?
Speaker 1 (10:40):
What I was thinking, like, do you have a dog
that can wear a shirt like I'm having sibling twins?
Speaker 3 (10:47):
They live across the country.
Speaker 1 (10:48):
Send a photo.
Speaker 2 (10:50):
Uh.
Speaker 3 (10:50):
For some reason. My TikTok feed right now is a
lot of this. It's a lot of telling my parents
I'm pregnant and wow, yeah, and it always makes me cry.
So I think it doesn't really matter. A lot of
the ones I see are them just kind of casually
working it into conversation, like and man with the baby.
Next year, we're gonna they're like, yeah, yeah, wait what
And that's always really a nice moment where you kind
(11:12):
of casually throw it into conversation and everyone has to
figure out what you just said. That's nice. Also, it
doesn't matter as the day at as the grandpa one day,
it doesn't matter.
Speaker 1 (11:24):
I'm gonna go, yes, I know what you can do. Yeah, okay,
you can send them all to get the sonograms and
print off a bunch of them and put them in
an envelope and send it to all your family that's
across the country and say I'm sending you a letter.
Please FaceTime me when you get it. That's cue, so
they FaceTime you say open, don't open it until you
FaceTime me. So you FaceTime it so you can record
(11:45):
the FaceTime and then you can say, okay, open it,
and then you can get their reaction on video.
Speaker 2 (11:49):
Oh this is a I don't hate this, and I
have something to add to it. Add to a baby
what if on the FaceTime you go, what do you
think it's gonna be? Because that's the whole thing, like
do you think it's a boy or girl? And then
they say, oh, I think it's gonna be a boy,
and and then you go, what about the other one?
Speaker 3 (12:06):
Oh?
Speaker 1 (12:06):
God? Yeah, in the sonogram you'll see that there's two
in there. Don't want you?
Speaker 2 (12:13):
I mean, I don't know if people don't know, if
they don't immediately study it, it's not easy. I mean
I don't think that early on, don't they might if
they have like the baby one, maybe two, or you
could just call and tell them you're pregnant and then
do the what do you think it is? And then
they're like oh, and then you're like, what about the
other one? What about the second one?
Speaker 3 (12:34):
I remember what did on our show? She said, I
went in and then and we heard the heartbeat for
the first time. Yeah, and then we heard the other heartbeat.
And that's.
Speaker 1 (12:44):
Because I knew she was pregnant, but I didn't know
she was having twins.
Speaker 4 (12:46):
Wow.
Speaker 2 (12:47):
You know, and friends when Monica and Chandler's uh, when
they're adopting the babies and it's Anna Faris and she
goes the second, Uh, you don't have much time before
the second one? And they so much time before or what?
And she goes the doctor said two heartbeats. I thought
he was talking about me and the baby. I love that.
Speaker 1 (13:12):
Yeah, classic classic.
Speaker 3 (13:13):
Hannah has a question.
Speaker 2 (13:14):
Hi, congrats l L Y so exciting two.
Speaker 3 (13:19):
Babies, yo and y'all yoing y'all, Hannah says, Hi, backa Tanya,
Mark and East. Then, first off, thank you so much
for the joy, the laughs, and the friendship you share
through the podcast. Every week. My best friend and I
listen to every episode and discuss them as if we're
sitting across the table from you, guys and chatting with
our closest friends. So small. I'm in my early thirties
and I'm dating with the intention of getting married. I
(13:40):
recently decided I want to wait until I'm in a
relationship to be intimate with someone. In the past, I've
been intimate with guys I was dating early on because
I felt like that was what they wanted and what
was expected, and when it ended, I felt hurt and
wished I hadn't done something I wasn't ready for. Recently,
I tried communicating my new boundary to a guy I
had just started dating. After that, he ended things with
me because he said it was important to him to
(14:01):
have a strong physical connection with someone before getting into
a relationship. I don't necessarily think this guy's my guy,
but I'm struggling with how to navigate dating intentionally and
respect my boundaries while also feeling like I'm constantly acting
as this gatekeeper of physical intimacy with guys. Would love
to hear your advice. Love you, and thank you for
all you do.
Speaker 1 (14:21):
I mean, I literally did this you did for four
years when I was dating, and I think that you don't.
I think that you can still be physical and intimate
with somebody without having sex with them.
Speaker 2 (14:33):
Yeah, but that's a personal like she might not want to,
Like she might just want to kiss or something and
then that be it, because that might still feel like
giving a part of herself.
Speaker 3 (14:42):
I know.
Speaker 1 (14:42):
But I'm still I still think that you can be
physical and intimate and just be like kissing somebody. I
still I think you can have an very intimate like
kissing session. Was that what you call it?
Speaker 2 (14:55):
Makeuh?
Speaker 1 (14:56):
Yeah, like a little touching and like can't like I
just feel like that it doesn't need to be like,
there doesn't need to just be nothing physical until there is,
do you know what I mean? I just like there's
a lot of gray area.
Speaker 2 (15:10):
Well regardless of where her limits are. How did you
handle it in terms of telling guys and navigating that
part of what you were the boundary you were setting.
Speaker 1 (15:19):
I literally never set it as like any sort of stepback.
Like I was just like, oh, like And it's hard
to say because it kind of comes up naturally, like
in conversation when you're like talking about these types of things,
but I would I remember specifically, it did turn off
a couple guys, Like I feel like a couple guys.
One guy never called me back after I said it
(15:39):
to him, but I was just kind of like whatever, Yeah,
it was not like no skin off my back.
Speaker 2 (15:45):
I think the thing is you're doing something that's not typical.
So the guy that you find that's going to be
your guy isn't going to be a typical guy.
Speaker 3 (15:54):
It's kind of a litmus test, isn't it. Like if
you said that to a guy and he heads for
the hills, it's not.
Speaker 2 (16:00):
Yeah. I mean, I think you're you're set up for
success when you communicate your boundary because anyone who leaves
wasn't worth your time anyway.
Speaker 1 (16:09):
Yeah, And I think, like it's funny because I remember
I said it. I remember I told Robbing on our
first date about my sex thing. And I think it
was our second date, our second date.
Speaker 3 (16:20):
Was can I tell you about my sex thing? Scary
for him?
Speaker 1 (16:24):
I think it was our second date or third day.
It was one of our early dates, and I had
him come. He like came into my apartment and we
like had like this like makeout session on my couch
and he I remember him saying that, like he was
like totally thrown off because it was like so like
intimate and like sexual, but like he just wasn't because
of what I had shared. He just wasn't expecting it,
you know. And so I think that I don't know,
(16:48):
I just feel like the wrong guys are going to
be turned off. And that is what it is. Like
you're just gonna you're gonna come in contact with There's
gonna be many There were many guys that didn't want
anything to do with me after they found that out,
And it.
Speaker 2 (17:01):
Might be that they have a reaction in terms of like, oh,
I wasn't expecting that which is okay. I just think
if they're not willing to respect it or want to
date you with that boundary, then good riddance.
Speaker 1 (17:14):
And you're going to find plenty that do I promise?
Speaker 3 (17:18):
Yeah, yeah, my wife told me something similar we're first dating,
and the fact that I didn't run, I think was
a sign that I'm, yeah, I worth investing some time in.
Speaker 4 (17:25):
This might be a weird comparison, but I was thinking
about how was it van Halen that would ask for
the brown m and ms. They would ask in their
tour writer. They'd be in the dressing room, we want
only brown eminem's. And it wasn't like to be divas.
It was like, if they're if they get that detail right,
that means they're reading the whole contract, and that means
that we can trust that, like everything's going to be
safe and like done the right way. If they screw
(17:47):
up that detail, who knows what else they're going to
screw up. And I think that when you maybe I'm
off here, but I think when.
Speaker 1 (17:52):
You make like it's like a weird comparison.
Speaker 4 (17:54):
And stay with me saying I think that if you say, like,
this is something that's important to me, and they run
for the hills, like, oh, who knows what else they
would have not respected?
Speaker 2 (18:03):
Yeah, no, I think that's a great comparison. You look
for your brown Eminem's right, that's right.
Speaker 1 (18:09):
Okay, there's more.
Speaker 2 (18:15):
We have a did I self sabotage?
Speaker 3 (18:17):
Sabotage.
Speaker 2 (18:19):
We're going to take a break first, all right, this
is this is a sad title because I I'm already
(18:43):
anticipating something unfortunate.
Speaker 3 (18:45):
Well, it's anonymous, she says. Hi, Tanya, Becka Easton, and Mark.
I'm a Day one listener and I love you all
in your perspective so much. I'm a Tanya through and through,
So keep that in mind for this doozy of an email. Recently,
I started dating a guy. He seemed like an answered prayer.
He checked off so many boxes. He's thirty five, twenty nine.
I've never been in a relationship, only talking in situationships.
(19:06):
He had gotten out of a relationship two years ago
and mentioned that it didn't end well, so I think
he was a bit gunshy for a relationship. We were
dating for two months, one on eight dates, but his
texting was awful. It would take him days to respond
to me. He went away in vacation for a week.
From midweek. I asked how it was going, and he
didn't respond till he was back, which I understood, but
we were texting for the next few days. He sent
(19:28):
me some photos from the vacation, et cetera, so I
playfully asked when he wanted to see me again, and crickets.
At this point, I was just annoyed by the consistent
inconsistency for two months, so I tended to tech. I
said the text basically saying I like spending time with you,
but not being respond to you for days doesn't feel
great for me. I want something serious. If you don't,
that's fine, but if so, let's figure out what works
(19:50):
for us. Maybe he really hates texting, so I was
trying to find a solution. I got nothing, no response, ghosted.
I thought maybe he thought I was so I said
to one line text saying that was not meant to
be ending things. Just wanted to have a conversation about expectations.
So if that came off differently, it wasn't my intent.
My question is should I have not said anything? Did
(20:11):
I self sabotage? Do I have to play hard to
get to find someone to love?
Speaker 4 (20:14):
Me.
Speaker 3 (20:15):
I'm a lover girl, and I want to show the
people that I care about them, and I want that
to be reciprocated. I'm just exhausted. Do I have to
change who I am to get a guy to chase me?
Thank you for reading my email. I value your opinions
and I love you all for being you and the
community that you've built.
Speaker 2 (20:30):
I could just be I could just multiple texts clarifying things.
Isn't this isn't your guy? Nope, here's the thing. Do
you have to play hard to get? No? I don't
think that's the case. But I also remember, specifically, like
when Tanya and Robbie were dating, when he was still
kind of they were not.
Speaker 1 (20:51):
Hard to get with him. Whatever you do, I'm like, here,
I am on a silver platter.
Speaker 2 (20:56):
I know, and you did, but he didn't. He wasn't
immediately like trying to lock you down to be his
girlfriend until you went on another date and opened yourself
up to exploring other options. Yes, And I think that
that kind of falls into the category of hard to
get because you're basically saying I'm not just even though
(21:16):
you were, I'm not just here for you to make
your decision, like I'm gonna I'm not gonna sit here
and wait for you to want to lock me down.
I'm gonna go and and explore other options, even though
you were very locked in on Robbie.
Speaker 1 (21:28):
Yeah. But I was also very transparent about it. I
wasn't like playing games. I wasn't like no, no, no.
I was very upfront with him. I was like, Okay,
if you don't want to be in an exclusive relationship,
that's fine, I'm gonna start dating other people. And I did.
Speaker 2 (21:42):
Yeah, so I hated it. My advice to you, Anonymous,
is this is not your guy. He doesn't seem mature
enough to even have a conversation with you, which is
so rude beyond like, sure, maybe your multiple texts freaked
him out a little bit, like let's just be on
as it could have very well been that, but also
he owes you a conversation, and this is not your guy,
(22:06):
because your guy, even if he was freaked out, he'd
be like hey, sorry, Like I got a little overwhelmed
by the text, but I wanted to take a few
days to think about it.
Speaker 1 (22:16):
I believe you cannot say the wrong thing to the
right person. I believe it.
Speaker 2 (22:23):
Sorry, No, that's what I'm saying. I think that if
this was her guy, he wouldn't have just ghosted her.
Speaker 1 (22:32):
I had so much verbal diarrhea in the early days
with every guy that I dated. There was no holding
me back.
Speaker 2 (22:40):
Well, Sierra was kind of texting for you, so we
hooked Robbie through Sierra's game.
Speaker 1 (22:48):
Okay, fair, but I took over it in person. At
some point you did. I don't know how far you had.
Speaker 2 (22:52):
To get help.
Speaker 3 (22:53):
You was at the table behind you whispering things to
say to him, if.
Speaker 2 (22:56):
I recall right, and that would be so sad anonymous.
You deserve someone who can have a conversation and ease
your anxiety and anxiousness. I guess that's anxiety around this situation.
(23:18):
You deserve someone who is upfront with you and can
be direct and also wants to talk to you and
wants to hear from you, and this guy is not it.
Speaker 3 (23:26):
I agree, when you find the right guy, it will
be easy.
Speaker 2 (23:29):
And d Yeah.
Speaker 3 (23:32):
Hi Beg a tiny Eastern and Mark, my best friend
of eighteen years, who considered more like a sister, has
been married for seven years as two sweet little girls
with her husband. Last summer, he found out that she
had been talking to her ex boyfriend for a little while,
nothing ever happened. They live in separate countries, but they
were texting and calling. Her husband found out that I
knew she was talking to him, and now refuses to
(23:55):
let her hang out with me, and it's a fight
every time she wants to. My best friend and I
have hung out a couple times since then, but she's
explained to me he does not want her to be
friends with me or want me around their daughters. I
ask every couple of months to get dinner or a
drink for this, I was an excuse not to. I've
always liked him, We've gotten along. We'd have double dates
and game nights with my boyfriend tagging along. I've always
(24:15):
asked my best friend to ask him if he would
chat with me directly, but he says no. He thinks
I should have told him about the X when I
found out, and maybe I should have, But my loyalty
is to my best friend. I miss her and the
girl so much and can't imagine going through life without them.
Should I reach out to him directly? Should I keep
reaching out to her? What do I do? Thank you
for bringing so much joy? Love? And laughter too. My
(24:37):
life every week. I love you guys in this podcast
so much.
Speaker 2 (24:42):
Oh. I was gonna say she should have a conversation
with him, but he doesn't want to.
Speaker 1 (24:47):
But that's all you can do, I think your I
think all you can do is reach out to him
and keep reaching out to him, and that's like the
best that you can do. I don't think she can
keep going through her best friend. Clearly he doesn't want
to hear it that if.
Speaker 2 (25:00):
He won't talk to I think she should reach out
to him and see and be like, can we please talk?
Like I want to have a conversation with you, and
you know it be like a direct conversation. And if
he doesn't respond, I think you should. I would send
a text and just like say what I would need
to say, because that would drive me so crazy.
Speaker 1 (25:21):
Yeah, or send him an email an email apologize for.
Speaker 2 (25:26):
Like yeah, like yeah, maybe or whatever put me in
a bad spot, but my loyalty is to her.
Speaker 1 (25:31):
Like I'll regret it forever, like I don't know whatever,
or just like apologize and say I really miss your
girls and like whatever. Yeah, like I but you can't ford.
I mean, he's clearly hurting and I think time heals.
Speaker 2 (25:45):
Yeah, he's hurting and might not know how to handle
it in the most productive or mature way. But I
think that you have a chance to at least send
something that shares your side.
Speaker 3 (25:58):
Yeah, it's an interestingynamic I've seen in relationships over the years.
When a partner feels betrayed by their partner, it's hard
for them to put all of that on the partner
because they have to continue this marriage relationship, and so
they find someone else to be the scapegoat. Yeah, and
so he's putting all of this feeling of her. I
don't know if she betrayed her or what he feels betrayed.
(26:20):
He's putting all of that in the best friend who
really had very little to do with it, but knew
about it. So she has become the face of this
issue in their marriage. And I don't know that he's
going to get past that. But how many times have
you seen that, Like a guy cheats and the wife
forgives the husband, but she's never going to forgive that
woman that he's slept with, that monster, you know. But
they were equally responsible, obviously, But that happens. It's like
(26:41):
a coping mechanism if this marriage is going to continue,
I have to forgive her, so I got to move
that to someone else. So, I mean it's kind of sad.
I don't know how you get past it.
Speaker 1 (26:51):
You just got to keep trying keep chip chip chipping away.
Speaker 2 (26:54):
Yeah, I mean it might not it might not ever
be at a place that you wanted to be at.
But I think if you can just like apologize to
him and get it on out, whether it's in a
conversation or email or whatever, I think that's that will
be as much as you can do about the situation.
Speaker 3 (27:14):
Sorry, that sucks, all right. We have one more and
it's about a mother in law issue, and those are
those are fraught. The wife mother in law relationship is
fascinating and we'll get to that next.
Speaker 2 (27:46):
In law drama. In law drama, I'm coming.
Speaker 3 (27:51):
Dear Becca, Tanya Mark and Easton. I met my husband
in college in the Midwest over ten years ago. We've
been married for six years, two young children, three and one.
We moved to my home on the Ghost in twenty seventeen.
My husband and I've been arguing a lot later about
visiting his home more often. Here's the situation. Our children
are both very young flying is expensive, and his mother
(28:11):
and I do not get along. She's caused a lot
of hurt and anxiety. She's very opinionated, and ever since
we've had children, we just don't do well around each other.
It's gotten so bad with her that I told my
husband she can no longer stay with us when she visits.
We live in a small apartment. Her negative energy takes
up so much space in this home. Now she won't
fly out here because she wants to stay with us. Financially,
she can't afford it. My issue is not flying out
(28:34):
to visit his family. My issue is how long my
husband wants to go. He said a minimum of two weeks.
I don't have the kind of vacation time I've been
going for that long with young kids. It's fair to
them and their schedules either. I've encouraged him to take
as long as he wants out there. That makes him happy,
but he says he doesn't want to go without all
of us. Please help, love, love, love you all start
listening in twenty twenty. Thank you for all you do
(28:56):
for creating such an amazing scrubbing in community.
Speaker 2 (29:00):
Hmmm, that's so hard.
Speaker 3 (29:01):
It is hard because that's the compromise, and we've done
that in my marriage. I don't have three weeks off.
But you want to go see every cousin, every nuncle. Great,
you go, bring the kids first week, I'll join you
after a couple of weeks. That's the compromise. He goes
by himself for a week and then you join him, yeah,
or whatever. So the fact that he's so digging in
his heels over this, I don't know what you mean.
Speaker 1 (29:22):
Yeah, but I also feel like she's digging in her
heels over the fact that, like she doesn't get along
with the mother in law, she doesn't want to two.
Speaker 3 (29:28):
Weeks if she doesn't have the vacation time.
Speaker 1 (29:30):
No, I know, I agree, but I feel like she
doesn't want to go at all.
Speaker 2 (29:35):
I think I think the compromise is he goes like
you do, Mark. I think it's he goes spends time
with them, it takes the kids. If he wants to
take that one.
Speaker 3 (29:45):
Yeah, he probably doesn't want to.
Speaker 2 (29:48):
She can give him that option.
Speaker 1 (29:49):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (29:50):
And then so when she has for the amount of
vacation time she has, she can file to meet them.
Speaker 1 (29:57):
Yeah. I also think too, like this is even though
you don't get along like this is his mom, she
is your mother, and married it to this family forever,
And I think you have to, Like what I've realized
is you have people are gonna be like, take people
as they are. People are going to be the way
that they are. You have to just accept it and
not let it affect you. That's like the whole trick
(30:18):
of life, is what I'm realizing, is like people are
going to be how they are. You just can't let
it affect and impact you.
Speaker 2 (30:24):
Yeah, but there's people in your life who act a
certain way and it affects you. What do you mean,
like if you're around them, like their energy affects you.
Speaker 1 (30:35):
Yeah, but this is this is this is his her,
this is her husband's mother.
Speaker 2 (30:41):
I know, but it's and it sucks that it that
this is the relationship. But it's it's easy to just like,
don't let it affect you, but it it clearly does.
Like if you're going and staying in someone's house and
you were just like butting heads with them the whole time,
and like everything you told the kids to do or
they challenged you on it or whatever it was, would
I have you crazy? But I agree? I mean, you
(31:06):
married into his family and that's like when you get married.
That's that's part of it. Yeah, and I think that
whether it's like y'all get a hotel and and so
you have a little separation from it of like you're
making the effort to go visit, but you know that's
more money and it might cause drama. But it seems
(31:27):
like the drama's already there. Like if she can't stay
at the house when she comes to visit, I don't
think her staying in a hotel would be like a
breaking point.
Speaker 1 (31:34):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (31:35):
Yeah, you do have to suck it up as far
as the bomb goes. I mean, I get her not
staying with you. I mean that's a lot, but that's
also a tough thing to bring up.
Speaker 1 (31:42):
Yeahad to see you.
Speaker 2 (31:46):
Like, it's kind of like if you've got through that hump,
then you should be able to go and just book
a hotel and stay.
Speaker 3 (31:54):
Yeah. Yeah, friction disconnect here. Yeah, So man, matter.
Speaker 1 (31:58):
Like babysit the kids, like you go take time.
Speaker 2 (32:03):
Some point if you're feeling brave, have a conversation about
the tension and why it's there and what you can do.
Speaker 1 (32:09):
Because you're both a relationship better, you're both gonna be
with each other forever.
Speaker 2 (32:13):
Yeah, so it's like have a conversation of like, what
can I do to to make this better?
Speaker 3 (32:19):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (32:20):
I agree, but good.
Speaker 2 (32:23):
Luck anonymous thinking of you. That's very hard.
Speaker 1 (32:25):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (32:27):
If y'all ever have any emails, advice success that you
want to share with us, dms on Instagram at scrubbing
in pot or email us at scrubbing in at iHeartMedia
dot com. We love hearing from you. We love our
Dear Bonnie episodes.
Speaker 1 (32:44):
Ask us anything anything, and if.
Speaker 2 (32:48):
Like even if you're just telling us something that you
like want to be celebrated for and you need some
like celebrated words, come to us. Yeah, celebrate you.
Speaker 3 (33:00):
You just got out of a toxic relationship. You finally
got up the nerve to just end it.
Speaker 2 (33:04):
Good for you that tell us about it. Yeah, we
love you so much. Have a wonderful weekend. To be
continuous
Scrubbing in with Beca Tilly and Tanya rad and iHeartRadio
and two times People's Choice Award winning podcast That's right.
Speaker 2 (00:10):
We are hello, everybody. We are scrubbing it.
Speaker 1 (00:15):
Rub a dub dub and the tub dub tum.
Speaker 2 (00:21):
How to ring to it? That sound? How you doing?
Speaker 1 (00:25):
Dan good? Hiding?
Speaker 2 (00:26):
Dan good? Dan good good?
Speaker 1 (00:30):
How long is Haley out a town for for the
whole week?
Speaker 2 (00:32):
Two weeks?
Speaker 3 (00:33):
Whoa?
Speaker 2 (00:35):
Everyone hush follows over the room. I'm good.
Speaker 3 (00:41):
Are you better with that? Better? Okay?
Speaker 2 (00:44):
I'm better?
Speaker 3 (00:44):
Good?
Speaker 2 (00:45):
Yeah, I'm better. I'm healthier, mentally stronger, mentally right and
also sad.
Speaker 3 (00:51):
It's kind of sad, but I feel like the deeper
you get in your relationship, the more you're like, oh,
I kind of don't mind the freedom of this.
Speaker 2 (00:58):
Oh no, I hate her being gone. That's like, I
hate it. It takes me a few days to like
adjust to sleeping and like, I just I love our
I love doing stuff like everything with her, and so
I think like having dinner together and going to bed
and having our show. You know, it's just like that.
Speaker 1 (01:16):
Well, the nighttime routine is like sad, like and he's gone,
I'm like, this is sad, although I have.
Speaker 2 (01:21):
To say I have like the hardest time getting out
of bed and being productive if she's in bed next
to me. So like I'm way more productive in terms
of doing stuff, which is nice.
Speaker 1 (01:32):
Oh that is nice because like.
Speaker 2 (01:33):
When I just want to be like sitting next to
her if she's there.
Speaker 1 (01:37):
I like literally wept tears when I left, probably to
go to New York, like actual tears.
Speaker 2 (01:43):
Well, yeah, that was right, yo, it just got very.
Speaker 1 (01:46):
Yeah I do that was a part of it.
Speaker 2 (01:48):
Yeah yeah.
Speaker 1 (01:49):
But like I keep telling him, I'm like, I know
the newlywed phase ends, because it's literally called like the
newlywed phase, but like I don't want it to end,
Like how do we preserve this?
Speaker 2 (02:00):
Just get married every year?
Speaker 1 (02:01):
Yeah, or celebrate every month like or every month. Yeah,
I don't want to lose it.
Speaker 2 (02:08):
Just never stop celebrating being in love.
Speaker 1 (02:12):
You know, I did a lot of really sweet dms.
I posted that something about like being newly wet and
I never want to like lose this feeling. And I
got a lot of dams from people who've been married
for like twenty years plus saying like they still feel
that same way about their husband, And I'm like Okay,
so some people still can have it.
Speaker 2 (02:27):
Yeah, I think. I think. I mean, you put in
the effort, you reap what you so mm hmm. The
grass is green where you water water it.
Speaker 1 (02:37):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (02:39):
So anyways, shall we get into some deer bonio questions?
Was enough four play for you?
Speaker 1 (02:45):
It wasn't quite the amount of four play that I
usually like, but it's fine for today.
Speaker 3 (02:50):
This is from a spiral thing scrubber. By the way,
I like that if you don't want to give us
your name, rather than just be anonymous, do something cute
with it, you know.
Speaker 2 (02:56):
Yeah, yeah, well I hate that she's spiraling, but yeah
that's true.
Speaker 3 (03:01):
But you know, come up with some alliterative signtu.
Speaker 1 (03:04):
Yeah, I like it too.
Speaker 3 (03:05):
Harod and hopeless. All right. This is from a spiral
link scrubber. I have been with my boyfriend five years.
He's thirty one. I'll be thirty three in June. I
love him, I love our life together. We're figuring out
next steps as far as our future together. One thing
for me is I don't always feel our sexual chemistry.
It's something I've stressed about throughout a relationship and have
tried not to overthink it. Don't get me wrong. We
(03:26):
are into it regularly, but I don't often crave him
or have vagina tingles, and can't say I had them
even early on in our relationship. Listening to your recent
dear binding episode of hearing about the almond milk versus
froyo with toppings sparks some anxiety. By the way, that
was really funny. I watched the Instagram for that and
left all over again. Should I be worried they don't
(03:46):
have those vagina singles? Am I with the wrong person?
Or can it be normal to just be content with
less sexual chemistry? Sincerely, a spiral link scrubber.
Speaker 2 (03:54):
Hmmm, you know what's interesting. It's totally fine to be
content if that's a you want. I always saw I
can be content like in my life before I met Haley,
I thought like, I can be happy and I can
feel content. But I now that I've had something more,
I realize how much more fulfilling it is to not
(04:16):
just be content with the person I'm with. I'm curious
about your thoughts on this, because you're very Before Robbie,
you were very much like vagina tingles.
Speaker 1 (04:27):
However, kind of no. I was never about no vagina tingles.
Are always a priority.
Speaker 2 (04:34):
Yeah, I don't know that you prioritize them before Robbie.
Speaker 1 (04:37):
No, I think that vagina tingles can grow over time.
I don't think you just have instant vagina tingles all
the time. M hm. However, I did have those with
Robbie right away. But I'm saying if it doesn't happen
right away doesn't mean that they're never gonna come. But
I do think they're important. You're sick.
Speaker 2 (05:01):
I was sick, but they've been together during my five years.
Speaker 1 (05:06):
Yeah, it's not coming, not coming after five years.
Speaker 2 (05:10):
I don't think you don't think they can develop after
five years.
Speaker 1 (05:14):
No, I think they can develop after a couple of months.
Speaker 2 (05:17):
Yeah, but do you think that it's something because you
know how I've referenced this episode before and everyone acted
like I was crazy. But we had like a sex
therapist on and it was over Zoom and she we
talked about how people have different sex languages or whatever
sex preference.
Speaker 1 (05:38):
Episode seemed to escaping me.
Speaker 2 (05:41):
I know, maybe I did it alone.
Speaker 1 (05:43):
Yeah, I don't know.
Speaker 2 (05:44):
Anyways, it is basically saying how people have different preferences,
like some people like like it very like straightforward and gentle,
and romantic. Some people have like kinks and like have things,
and if you're not catering to those things or feel like,
say enough to express those things, then you're not getting
what you want in a in a sexual capacity, right,
(06:06):
And so maybe something.
Speaker 1 (06:07):
Is joy sixty nine. Some people don't.
Speaker 2 (06:10):
Simply put yes.
Speaker 4 (06:12):
It's a fantastic example time.
Speaker 2 (06:15):
Simply put yes.
Speaker 1 (06:16):
But maybe she does and he's not giving her that.
Speaker 2 (06:18):
Yeah, Or maybe y'all haven't even had that conversation about
what you like in a very open and honest way,
because it's very vulnerable to share like the things that
you like and prefer if it's different from your partners.
But if you haven't had that conversation, I would look
into into having that and seeing if the tingles can develop.
Speaker 1 (06:42):
Yeah, there's this show, what's it called Goop? It was
like some sort of Gwyneth Paltrow show.
Speaker 2 (06:49):
I think that I just watched the show, and I
think I had a podcast about it.
Speaker 1 (06:53):
So I would suggest watching that show, because, yeah, you're right,
there are like different things and maybe like you'll, something
will like ign night spark and interest in you.
Speaker 2 (07:02):
But also here's my question for you, are you content
with just being content? In your relationship.
Speaker 3 (07:10):
Here's a quote on this, and I'm curious that's your
thoughts about this quote because it is widely shared. It's
okay to head out for wonderful, but when you get
to all right, stop and look around, because this might
be as far as you need to go. Okay, all right, Well.
Speaker 2 (07:31):
I think we should strive for more than all right.
But I think in your relationship with everything else is great.
And this is a path that y'all haven't even gone
down in terms of discussing what you like. I think
you start with that and see if you can get
that craving and chemistry with him.
Speaker 3 (07:52):
And also I think that over time in a relationship,
these things can blossom in terms of knowing each other better. Yeah,
and then you're gonna look forward or do it more
because you have that deeper connection that it is formed.
Speaker 2 (08:03):
Well, that was the whole series that Goop did. It
was basically these couples that were in this like stagnant
place in their relationship.
Speaker 1 (08:09):
The like did like tantric sex stuff.
Speaker 4 (08:11):
Yeah, you guys did interview Jaya Sexologist from Sex Love
and Goop on Netflix.
Speaker 3 (08:16):
Both of you talked to.
Speaker 4 (08:20):
This was November one.
Speaker 2 (08:22):
Yeah, I knew it year great year, Yeah, but spiraling scrubber.
Start there and then look into your relationship and say,
am I just comfortable or is this a person I
want to spend my life with? Do you get tingles
in other places in your relationship out of sex? Like
(08:43):
do you get excited to go do things together? Do
you excited to do little things like having a routine
where you make dinner together or watch TV show?
Speaker 1 (08:52):
Like?
Speaker 2 (08:52):
Does is there anything in the relationship that excites you
outside of sex? Because if the answer is no, then
I think you you are ready. You should seek wonderful
instead of all right, But if you have other areas
where you're like, I am so excited about this part
of our relationship, then this is something I think you
work on and nurture.
Speaker 3 (09:15):
Yes, there we go. All right, great, Elle, says Hi Easton, Tanya, Mark,
and Becca, my best friend introduced me to y'all when
Tanya first started coming on the podcast. I'd love to
getting to know each of you and appreciate each of
you showing up for us each week. I just found
out I'm pregnant for the first time, and yesterday my
doctor told me it's twins. My husband and I instantly
(09:40):
started laughing out of shock really, but also because we
always said it was real possibility because they run on
both sides of our families, so of course it happened
to us. We are ecstatic but still in shock. Both
of our families live across the country. We want fun
ways to share it with them. How would you share
this news or how would you want to be told? Mark?
We may not have the time to tell them in
person before I start to actually show litt alone. Wanted
(10:00):
to get this secret out there to them. Ps, Tanya,
watch out. I may take the twin names Yo and
y'ah love you guys.
Speaker 1 (10:09):
Might I suggest a different name? Tanya and Becca are
really good girl names.
Speaker 2 (10:14):
Ya ya Tanya yah yah.
Speaker 1 (10:19):
And Cocabecca and yeah yeah, how to tell them as anything?
Jumping out?
Speaker 2 (10:31):
What if you had twins deliver things to everybody? Like
a set of twins deliver flowers?
Speaker 1 (10:40):
What I was thinking, like, do you have a dog
that can wear a shirt like I'm having sibling twins?
Speaker 3 (10:47):
They live across the country.
Speaker 1 (10:48):
Send a photo.
Speaker 2 (10:50):
Uh.
Speaker 3 (10:50):
For some reason. My TikTok feed right now is a
lot of this. It's a lot of telling my parents
I'm pregnant and wow, yeah, and it always makes me cry.
So I think it doesn't really matter. A lot of
the ones I see are them just kind of casually
working it into conversation, like and man with the baby.
Next year, we're gonna they're like, yeah, yeah, wait what
And that's always really a nice moment where you kind
(11:12):
of casually throw it into conversation and everyone has to
figure out what you just said. That's nice. Also, it
doesn't matter as the day at as the grandpa one day,
it doesn't matter.
Speaker 1 (11:24):
I'm gonna go, yes, I know what you can do. Yeah, okay,
you can send them all to get the sonograms and
print off a bunch of them and put them in
an envelope and send it to all your family that's
across the country and say I'm sending you a letter.
Please FaceTime me when you get it. That's cue, so
they FaceTime you say open, don't open it until you
FaceTime me. So you FaceTime it so you can record
(11:45):
the FaceTime and then you can say, okay, open it,
and then you can get their reaction on video.
Speaker 2 (11:49):
Oh this is a I don't hate this, and I
have something to add to it. Add to a baby
what if on the FaceTime you go, what do you
think it's gonna be? Because that's the whole thing, like
do you think it's a boy or girl? And then
they say, oh, I think it's gonna be a boy,
and and then you go, what about the other one?
Speaker 3 (12:06):
Oh?
Speaker 1 (12:06):
God? Yeah, in the sonogram you'll see that there's two
in there. Don't want you?
Speaker 2 (12:13):
I mean, I don't know if people don't know, if
they don't immediately study it, it's not easy. I mean
I don't think that early on, don't they might if
they have like the baby one, maybe two, or you
could just call and tell them you're pregnant and then
do the what do you think it is? And then
they're like oh, and then you're like, what about the
other one? What about the second one?
Speaker 3 (12:34):
I remember what did on our show? She said, I
went in and then and we heard the heartbeat for
the first time. Yeah, and then we heard the other heartbeat.
And that's.
Speaker 1 (12:44):
Because I knew she was pregnant, but I didn't know
she was having twins.
Speaker 4 (12:46):
Wow.
Speaker 2 (12:47):
You know, and friends when Monica and Chandler's uh, when
they're adopting the babies and it's Anna Faris and she
goes the second, Uh, you don't have much time before
the second one? And they so much time before or what?
And she goes the doctor said two heartbeats. I thought
he was talking about me and the baby. I love that.
Speaker 1 (13:12):
Yeah, classic classic.
Speaker 3 (13:13):
Hannah has a question.
Speaker 2 (13:14):
Hi, congrats l L Y so exciting two.
Speaker 3 (13:19):
Babies, yo and y'all yoing y'all, Hannah says, Hi, backa Tanya,
Mark and East. Then, first off, thank you so much
for the joy, the laughs, and the friendship you share
through the podcast. Every week. My best friend and I
listen to every episode and discuss them as if we're
sitting across the table from you, guys and chatting with
our closest friends. So small. I'm in my early thirties
and I'm dating with the intention of getting married. I
(13:40):
recently decided I want to wait until I'm in a
relationship to be intimate with someone. In the past, I've
been intimate with guys I was dating early on because
I felt like that was what they wanted and what
was expected, and when it ended, I felt hurt and
wished I hadn't done something I wasn't ready for. Recently,
I tried communicating my new boundary to a guy I
had just started dating. After that, he ended things with
me because he said it was important to him to
(14:01):
have a strong physical connection with someone before getting into
a relationship. I don't necessarily think this guy's my guy,
but I'm struggling with how to navigate dating intentionally and
respect my boundaries while also feeling like I'm constantly acting
as this gatekeeper of physical intimacy with guys. Would love
to hear your advice. Love you, and thank you for
all you do.
Speaker 1 (14:21):
I mean, I literally did this you did for four
years when I was dating, and I think that you don't.
I think that you can still be physical and intimate
with somebody without having sex with them.
Speaker 2 (14:33):
Yeah, but that's a personal like she might not want to,
Like she might just want to kiss or something and
then that be it, because that might still feel like
giving a part of herself.
Speaker 3 (14:42):
I know.
Speaker 1 (14:42):
But I'm still I still think that you can be
physical and intimate and just be like kissing somebody. I
still I think you can have an very intimate like
kissing session. Was that what you call it?
Speaker 2 (14:55):
Makeuh?
Speaker 1 (14:56):
Yeah, like a little touching and like can't like I
just feel like that it doesn't need to be like,
there doesn't need to just be nothing physical until there is,
do you know what I mean? I just like there's
a lot of gray area.
Speaker 2 (15:10):
Well regardless of where her limits are. How did you
handle it in terms of telling guys and navigating that
part of what you were the boundary you were setting.
Speaker 1 (15:19):
I literally never set it as like any sort of stepback.
Like I was just like, oh, like And it's hard
to say because it kind of comes up naturally, like
in conversation when you're like talking about these types of things,
but I would I remember specifically, it did turn off
a couple guys, Like I feel like a couple guys.
One guy never called me back after I said it
(15:39):
to him, but I was just kind of like whatever, Yeah,
it was not like no skin off my back.
Speaker 2 (15:45):
I think the thing is you're doing something that's not typical.
So the guy that you find that's going to be
your guy isn't going to be a typical guy.
Speaker 3 (15:54):
It's kind of a litmus test, isn't it. Like if
you said that to a guy and he heads for
the hills, it's not.
Speaker 2 (16:00):
Yeah. I mean, I think you're you're set up for
success when you communicate your boundary because anyone who leaves
wasn't worth your time anyway.
Speaker 1 (16:09):
Yeah, And I think, like it's funny because I remember
I said it. I remember I told Robbing on our
first date about my sex thing. And I think it
was our second date, our second date.
Speaker 3 (16:20):
Was can I tell you about my sex thing? Scary
for him?
Speaker 1 (16:24):
I think it was our second date or third day.
It was one of our early dates, and I had
him come. He like came into my apartment and we
like had like this like makeout session on my couch
and he I remember him saying that, like he was
like totally thrown off because it was like so like
intimate and like sexual, but like he just wasn't because
of what I had shared. He just wasn't expecting it,
you know. And so I think that I don't know,
(16:48):
I just feel like the wrong guys are going to
be turned off. And that is what it is. Like
you're just gonna you're gonna come in contact with There's
gonna be many There were many guys that didn't want
anything to do with me after they found that out,
And it.
Speaker 2 (17:01):
Might be that they have a reaction in terms of like, oh,
I wasn't expecting that which is okay. I just think
if they're not willing to respect it or want to
date you with that boundary, then good riddance.
Speaker 1 (17:14):
And you're going to find plenty that do I promise?
Speaker 3 (17:18):
Yeah, yeah, my wife told me something similar we're first dating,
and the fact that I didn't run, I think was
a sign that I'm, yeah, I worth investing some time in.
Speaker 4 (17:25):
This might be a weird comparison, but I was thinking
about how was it van Halen that would ask for
the brown m and ms. They would ask in their
tour writer. They'd be in the dressing room, we want
only brown eminem's. And it wasn't like to be divas.
It was like, if they're if they get that detail right,
that means they're reading the whole contract, and that means
that we can trust that, like everything's going to be
safe and like done the right way. If they screw
(17:47):
up that detail, who knows what else they're going to
screw up. And I think that when you maybe I'm
off here, but I think when.
Speaker 1 (17:52):
You make like it's like a weird comparison.
Speaker 4 (17:54):
And stay with me saying I think that if you say, like,
this is something that's important to me, and they run
for the hills, like, oh, who knows what else they
would have not respected?
Speaker 2 (18:03):
Yeah, no, I think that's a great comparison. You look
for your brown Eminem's right, that's right.
Speaker 1 (18:09):
Okay, there's more.
Speaker 2 (18:15):
We have a did I self sabotage?
Speaker 3 (18:17):
Sabotage.
Speaker 2 (18:19):
We're going to take a break first, all right, this
is this is a sad title because I I'm already
(18:43):
anticipating something unfortunate.
Speaker 3 (18:45):
Well, it's anonymous, she says. Hi, Tanya, Becka Easton, and Mark.
I'm a Day one listener and I love you all
in your perspective so much. I'm a Tanya through and through,
So keep that in mind for this doozy of an email. Recently,
I started dating a guy. He seemed like an answered prayer.
He checked off so many boxes. He's thirty five, twenty nine.
I've never been in a relationship, only talking in situationships.
(19:06):
He had gotten out of a relationship two years ago
and mentioned that it didn't end well, so I think
he was a bit gunshy for a relationship. We were
dating for two months, one on eight dates, but his
texting was awful. It would take him days to respond
to me. He went away in vacation for a week.
From midweek. I asked how it was going, and he
didn't respond till he was back, which I understood, but
we were texting for the next few days. He sent
(19:28):
me some photos from the vacation, et cetera, so I
playfully asked when he wanted to see me again, and crickets.
At this point, I was just annoyed by the consistent
inconsistency for two months, so I tended to tech. I
said the text basically saying I like spending time with you,
but not being respond to you for days doesn't feel
great for me. I want something serious. If you don't,
that's fine, but if so, let's figure out what works
(19:50):
for us. Maybe he really hates texting, so I was
trying to find a solution. I got nothing, no response, ghosted.
I thought maybe he thought I was so I said
to one line text saying that was not meant to
be ending things. Just wanted to have a conversation about expectations.
So if that came off differently, it wasn't my intent.
My question is should I have not said anything? Did
(20:11):
I self sabotage? Do I have to play hard to
get to find someone to love?
Speaker 4 (20:14):
Me.
Speaker 3 (20:15):
I'm a lover girl, and I want to show the
people that I care about them, and I want that
to be reciprocated. I'm just exhausted. Do I have to
change who I am to get a guy to chase me?
Thank you for reading my email. I value your opinions
and I love you all for being you and the
community that you've built.
Speaker 2 (20:30):
I could just be I could just multiple texts clarifying things.
Isn't this isn't your guy? Nope, here's the thing. Do
you have to play hard to get? No? I don't
think that's the case. But I also remember, specifically, like
when Tanya and Robbie were dating, when he was still
kind of they were not.
Speaker 1 (20:51):
Hard to get with him. Whatever you do, I'm like, here,
I am on a silver platter.
Speaker 2 (20:56):
I know, and you did, but he didn't. He wasn't
immediately like trying to lock you down to be his
girlfriend until you went on another date and opened yourself
up to exploring other options. Yes, And I think that
that kind of falls into the category of hard to
get because you're basically saying I'm not just even though
(21:16):
you were, I'm not just here for you to make
your decision, like I'm gonna I'm not gonna sit here
and wait for you to want to lock me down.
I'm gonna go and and explore other options, even though
you were very locked in on Robbie.
Speaker 1 (21:28):
Yeah. But I was also very transparent about it. I
wasn't like playing games. I wasn't like no, no, no.
I was very upfront with him. I was like, Okay,
if you don't want to be in an exclusive relationship,
that's fine, I'm gonna start dating other people. And I did.
Speaker 2 (21:42):
Yeah, so I hated it. My advice to you, Anonymous,
is this is not your guy. He doesn't seem mature
enough to even have a conversation with you, which is
so rude beyond like, sure, maybe your multiple texts freaked
him out a little bit, like let's just be on
as it could have very well been that, but also
he owes you a conversation, and this is not your guy,
(22:06):
because your guy, even if he was freaked out, he'd
be like hey, sorry, Like I got a little overwhelmed
by the text, but I wanted to take a few
days to think about it.
Speaker 1 (22:16):
I believe you cannot say the wrong thing to the
right person. I believe it.
Speaker 2 (22:23):
Sorry, No, that's what I'm saying. I think that if
this was her guy, he wouldn't have just ghosted her.
Speaker 1 (22:32):
I had so much verbal diarrhea in the early days
with every guy that I dated. There was no holding
me back.
Speaker 2 (22:40):
Well, Sierra was kind of texting for you, so we
hooked Robbie through Sierra's game.
Speaker 1 (22:48):
Okay, fair, but I took over it in person. At
some point you did. I don't know how far you had.
Speaker 2 (22:52):
To get help.
Speaker 3 (22:53):
You was at the table behind you whispering things to
say to him, if.
Speaker 2 (22:56):
I recall right, and that would be so sad anonymous.
You deserve someone who can have a conversation and ease
your anxiety and anxiousness. I guess that's anxiety around this situation.
(23:18):
You deserve someone who is upfront with you and can
be direct and also wants to talk to you and
wants to hear from you, and this guy is not it.
Speaker 3 (23:26):
I agree, when you find the right guy, it will
be easy.
Speaker 2 (23:29):
And d Yeah.
Speaker 3 (23:32):
Hi Beg a tiny Eastern and Mark, my best friend
of eighteen years, who considered more like a sister, has
been married for seven years as two sweet little girls
with her husband. Last summer, he found out that she
had been talking to her ex boyfriend for a little while,
nothing ever happened. They live in separate countries, but they
were texting and calling. Her husband found out that I
knew she was talking to him, and now refuses to
(23:55):
let her hang out with me, and it's a fight
every time she wants to. My best friend and I
have hung out a couple times since then, but she's
explained to me he does not want her to be
friends with me or want me around their daughters. I
ask every couple of months to get dinner or a
drink for this, I was an excuse not to. I've
always liked him, We've gotten along. We'd have double dates
and game nights with my boyfriend tagging along. I've always
(24:15):
asked my best friend to ask him if he would
chat with me directly, but he says no. He thinks
I should have told him about the X when I
found out, and maybe I should have, But my loyalty
is to my best friend. I miss her and the
girl so much and can't imagine going through life without them.
Should I reach out to him directly? Should I keep
reaching out to her? What do I do? Thank you
for bringing so much joy? Love? And laughter too. My
(24:37):
life every week. I love you guys in this podcast
so much.
Speaker 2 (24:42):
Oh. I was gonna say she should have a conversation
with him, but he doesn't want to.
Speaker 1 (24:47):
But that's all you can do, I think your I
think all you can do is reach out to him
and keep reaching out to him, and that's like the
best that you can do. I don't think she can
keep going through her best friend. Clearly he doesn't want
to hear it that if.
Speaker 2 (25:00):
He won't talk to I think she should reach out
to him and see and be like, can we please talk?
Like I want to have a conversation with you, and
you know it be like a direct conversation. And if
he doesn't respond, I think you should. I would send
a text and just like say what I would need
to say, because that would drive me so crazy.
Speaker 1 (25:21):
Yeah, or send him an email an email apologize for.
Speaker 2 (25:26):
Like yeah, like yeah, maybe or whatever put me in
a bad spot, but my loyalty is to her.
Speaker 1 (25:31):
Like I'll regret it forever, like I don't know whatever,
or just like apologize and say I really miss your
girls and like whatever. Yeah, like I but you can't ford.
I mean, he's clearly hurting and I think time heals.
Speaker 2 (25:45):
Yeah, he's hurting and might not know how to handle
it in the most productive or mature way. But I
think that you have a chance to at least send
something that shares your side.
Speaker 3 (25:58):
Yeah, it's an interestingynamic I've seen in relationships over the years.
When a partner feels betrayed by their partner, it's hard
for them to put all of that on the partner
because they have to continue this marriage relationship, and so
they find someone else to be the scapegoat. Yeah, and
so he's putting all of this feeling of her. I
don't know if she betrayed her or what he feels betrayed.
(26:20):
He's putting all of that in the best friend who
really had very little to do with it, but knew
about it. So she has become the face of this
issue in their marriage. And I don't know that he's
going to get past that. But how many times have
you seen that, Like a guy cheats and the wife
forgives the husband, but she's never going to forgive that
woman that he's slept with, that monster, you know. But
they were equally responsible, obviously, But that happens. It's like
(26:41):
a coping mechanism if this marriage is going to continue,
I have to forgive her, so I got to move
that to someone else. So, I mean it's kind of sad.
I don't know how you get past it.
Speaker 1 (26:51):
You just got to keep trying keep chip chip chipping away.
Speaker 2 (26:54):
Yeah, I mean it might not it might not ever
be at a place that you wanted to be at.
But I think if you can just like apologize to
him and get it on out, whether it's in a
conversation or email or whatever, I think that's that will
be as much as you can do about the situation.
Speaker 3 (27:14):
Sorry, that sucks, all right. We have one more and
it's about a mother in law issue, and those are
those are fraught. The wife mother in law relationship is
fascinating and we'll get to that next.
Speaker 2 (27:46):
In law drama. In law drama, I'm coming.
Speaker 3 (27:51):
Dear Becca, Tanya Mark and Easton. I met my husband
in college in the Midwest over ten years ago. We've
been married for six years, two young children, three and one.
We moved to my home on the Ghost in twenty seventeen.
My husband and I've been arguing a lot later about
visiting his home more often. Here's the situation. Our children
are both very young flying is expensive, and his mother
(28:11):
and I do not get along. She's caused a lot
of hurt and anxiety. She's very opinionated, and ever since
we've had children, we just don't do well around each other.
It's gotten so bad with her that I told my
husband she can no longer stay with us when she visits.
We live in a small apartment. Her negative energy takes
up so much space in this home. Now she won't
fly out here because she wants to stay with us. Financially,
she can't afford it. My issue is not flying out
(28:34):
to visit his family. My issue is how long my
husband wants to go. He said a minimum of two weeks.
I don't have the kind of vacation time I've been
going for that long with young kids. It's fair to
them and their schedules either. I've encouraged him to take
as long as he wants out there. That makes him happy,
but he says he doesn't want to go without all
of us. Please help, love, love, love you all start
listening in twenty twenty. Thank you for all you do
(28:56):
for creating such an amazing scrubbing in community.
Speaker 2 (29:00):
Hmmm, that's so hard.
Speaker 3 (29:01):
It is hard because that's the compromise, and we've done
that in my marriage. I don't have three weeks off.
But you want to go see every cousin, every nuncle. Great,
you go, bring the kids first week, I'll join you
after a couple of weeks. That's the compromise. He goes
by himself for a week and then you join him, yeah,
or whatever. So the fact that he's so digging in
his heels over this, I don't know what you mean.
Speaker 1 (29:22):
Yeah, but I also feel like she's digging in her
heels over the fact that, like she doesn't get along
with the mother in law, she doesn't want to two.
Speaker 3 (29:28):
Weeks if she doesn't have the vacation time.
Speaker 1 (29:30):
No, I know, I agree, but I feel like she
doesn't want to go at all.
Speaker 2 (29:35):
I think I think the compromise is he goes like
you do, Mark. I think it's he goes spends time
with them, it takes the kids. If he wants to
take that one.
Speaker 3 (29:45):
Yeah, he probably doesn't want to.
Speaker 2 (29:48):
She can give him that option.
Speaker 1 (29:49):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (29:50):
And then so when she has for the amount of
vacation time she has, she can file to meet them.
Speaker 1 (29:57):
Yeah. I also think too, like this is even though
you don't get along like this is his mom, she
is your mother, and married it to this family forever,
And I think you have to, Like what I've realized
is you have people are gonna be like, take people
as they are. People are going to be the way
that they are. You have to just accept it and
not let it affect you. That's like the whole trick
(30:18):
of life, is what I'm realizing, is like people are
going to be how they are. You just can't let
it affect and impact you.
Speaker 2 (30:24):
Yeah, but there's people in your life who act a
certain way and it affects you. What do you mean,
like if you're around them, like their energy affects you.
Speaker 1 (30:35):
Yeah, but this is this is this is his her,
this is her husband's mother.
Speaker 2 (30:41):
I know, but it's and it sucks that it that
this is the relationship. But it's it's easy to just like,
don't let it affect you, but it it clearly does.
Like if you're going and staying in someone's house and
you were just like butting heads with them the whole time,
and like everything you told the kids to do or
they challenged you on it or whatever it was, would
I have you crazy? But I agree? I mean, you
(31:06):
married into his family and that's like when you get married.
That's that's part of it. Yeah, and I think that
whether it's like y'all get a hotel and and so
you have a little separation from it of like you're
making the effort to go visit, but you know that's
more money and it might cause drama. But it seems
(31:27):
like the drama's already there. Like if she can't stay
at the house when she comes to visit, I don't
think her staying in a hotel would be like a
breaking point.
Speaker 1 (31:34):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (31:35):
Yeah, you do have to suck it up as far
as the bomb goes. I mean, I get her not
staying with you. I mean that's a lot, but that's
also a tough thing to bring up.
Speaker 1 (31:42):
Yeahad to see you.
Speaker 2 (31:46):
Like, it's kind of like if you've got through that hump,
then you should be able to go and just book
a hotel and stay.
Speaker 3 (31:54):
Yeah. Yeah, friction disconnect here. Yeah, So man, matter.
Speaker 1 (31:58):
Like babysit the kids, like you go take time.
Speaker 2 (32:03):
Some point if you're feeling brave, have a conversation about
the tension and why it's there and what you can do.
Speaker 1 (32:09):
Because you're both a relationship better, you're both gonna be
with each other forever.
Speaker 2 (32:13):
Yeah, so it's like have a conversation of like, what
can I do to to make this better?
Speaker 3 (32:19):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (32:20):
I agree, but good.
Speaker 2 (32:23):
Luck anonymous thinking of you. That's very hard.
Speaker 1 (32:25):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (32:27):
If y'all ever have any emails, advice success that you
want to share with us, dms on Instagram at scrubbing
in pot or email us at scrubbing in at iHeartMedia
dot com. We love hearing from you. We love our
Dear Bonnie episodes.
Speaker 1 (32:44):
Ask us anything anything, and if.
Speaker 2 (32:48):
Like even if you're just telling us something that you
like want to be celebrated for and you need some
like celebrated words, come to us. Yeah, celebrate you.
Speaker 3 (33:00):
You just got out of a toxic relationship. You finally
got up the nerve to just end it.
Speaker 2 (33:04):
Good for you that tell us about it. Yeah, we
love you so much. Have a wonderful weekend. To be
continuous
Hosts And Creators
Tanya Rad
Rebecca Tilley
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