December 12, 2024 • 31 mins
It’s another round of Dear Banya! Becca and Tanya *attempt* to help some Scrubbers with problems that you might have too!
What do you do if a friend moves in… and leaves you high and dry with the bills?? We try to figure out how to handle a wedding invite that has an ex in the bridal party.
And is it okay to leave someone off the birthday dinner guest list because of a loud burp??
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Scrubbing In with Becca Tilly and Tanya rap An iHeartRadio podcast.
Speaker 2 (00:08):
Hello everybody, we are scrubbing in.
Speaker 3 (00:15):
In the top top time.
Speaker 4 (00:18):
We have a Dear Bonnie.
Speaker 2 (00:19):
Episode today that's right for y'all's hard hitting questions, concerns, emails, messages.
Speaker 4 (00:26):
We're here.
Speaker 5 (00:27):
Can I tease one that we'll end with? Remember a
couple of weeks ago we talked about there was a
listener from I want to say another country named Lilah.
Speaker 2 (00:35):
Oh that that she had kept trying to make plans
was like her sister in laws and well.
Speaker 5 (00:40):
The key was that she had said we were We
wondered aloud how she found us? Wasn't she in Denmark? Amsterdam?
Speaker 4 (00:48):
I thought it was.
Speaker 5 (00:49):
We talked, Yeah, we're trying to remember, we're trying to like,
we're brainstorming how she may have found us. Well, we
have the answer to how she found us.
Speaker 2 (00:55):
Ah, yeah, wow, that will be towards the end of
the episode for letting us know.
Speaker 4 (01:01):
Shall we just jump right into it? Shall it?
Speaker 3 (01:04):
Shall we?
Speaker 4 (01:05):
Shall?
Speaker 5 (01:05):
We shall? Let's do it? Here we go from Taylor.
Speaker 3 (01:08):
Oh, you're discerning from the top, Should I not?
Speaker 4 (01:10):
Nope, That's what I like to do.
Speaker 5 (01:11):
Okay, take it from the top, Taylor says, Hi Becatanya
Mark and Eastern longtime listener here an overall big fan.
I was recently burned by a friend and I'm having
a hard time moving on. My wife wlw relationship and
I let a friend move into our basement while she
was going through a divorce. As Thanksgiving approached, we had
to do some problem solving because we booked a dog
(01:32):
sitter as we were going to be traveling. The dog
sitter was going to live at the house when we
were gone. Well, that wasn't really fair to either one
of them because they'd be forced to live alongside each
other as strangers, which is weird. And explaining that to
our friend, she said, hey, I'll watch the dogs. I'm
going to be here. Don't pay for a dog sitter.
I got you great, cancel the dog sitter. They were
(01:54):
charged a cancelation fee for canceling dog sitter, but okay,
still save us some money. We got a good plan here.
Fast forward a few weeks, five days before we were
supposed to leave, said friend texted saying, you know what,
my plans have changed. I'm going to be traveling too.
I can no longer watch those dogs. Well, luckily we
were able to find out the dog sitters to cover this,
but now we're paying the cancelation fee to the first
one and now to other people to watch the dogs.
(02:16):
And we thought it was right for her to maybe
pay for those fees or help us pay for those fees. Instead,
she abruptly moved out and has cut off all communication.
I'm curious to know if you think it's fair that
we asked her to cover the fees, and regardless, how
do you suggest I let this go and move on.
Speaker 2 (02:34):
I think if y'all did hear that big of a favor,
letting someone move into your home and crash is such
a yes, a kind thoughtful thing to do for someone
like that's a big undertaking.
Speaker 3 (02:44):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (02:45):
And so for her to not even have, first of all,
the respect of not offering to help y'all find a
dog sitter or pay for one, or saying like, let
me pay the cancelation fee. I'm sorry that that happened
and that I changed last minute just kind of is
exposing the type of person she is.
Speaker 4 (03:03):
And maybe she's going through a lot.
Speaker 2 (03:04):
I'm not saying maybe she's not her best self right
now if she's going through a divorce and just trying
to figure.
Speaker 4 (03:09):
Out her life.
Speaker 2 (03:10):
But I think maybe it's for the best, and maybe
she did you a favor cutting off communication.
Speaker 1 (03:18):
I feel like the best piece of advice I've ever
received is take people as they are. I'll say it
again for the people in the back. Take people as
they are. Like Becca said, she may not be in
her best state right now going through divorce. She might be,
you know, frazzled and not dealing with stuff that with
it she normally would. But to me, like if she
(03:42):
didn't offer to help pay for the fees and isn't
like offering that to me, asking that is so awkward
and such a waste of your energy because you're gonna
work yourself up trying to like figure out how to ask,
and then if she says no, then you're gonna work
yourself up over that. You're gonna be working yourself up
so much over this. It's kind of just like, know
this about her now and.
Speaker 3 (04:03):
Just learn moving forward.
Speaker 4 (04:06):
She already asked her to pay she just hasn't.
Speaker 2 (04:09):
She just already asked her to pay the fees, and
she just stopped corresponding.
Speaker 4 (04:13):
She's ghosted them.
Speaker 5 (04:15):
So does she owe you? Yeah, probably stayed with you,
used your home dog fees, whatever. But here's the quote
that I like to live by, good advice I received.
We've discussed this before. Life becomes easier when you learn
to accept the apology that you never got. So is
she sorry? Let's assume she is. In fact, she probably is.
(04:37):
Maybe she's embarrassed, maybe she's not. Maybe even if she's not,
you know what, accept her apology whether it happens or not,
and you move on. That's it.
Speaker 4 (04:47):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (04:48):
I think that maybe she felt embarrassed and isn't in
a financial place to help pay fees.
Speaker 4 (04:55):
But in a perfect.
Speaker 2 (04:56):
World, she could have said, you know what, I'm sorry,
I'm not able to pay those fees, like financially, is
there any way else I can help you or do
something to help you out? Because I feel really bad
and I want to be a good friend to you.
She might not have the capacity to do that or
the tools to do that. And I also agree with Mark, like,
there are just people in your life that you have
to let go the expectation of getting an apology because
(05:17):
you could waste your life and energy waiting to get
something that will never happen. Yeah, and if you can't
move on from it, you're just you're spending unnecessary energy
on someone who's probably not ever going to think about
it again.
Speaker 3 (05:33):
Yeah, my god, I need to listen to this advice. Honestly,
I work myself up over.
Speaker 5 (05:39):
Quite a lot about being treated poorly or treating others
poorly in the past.
Speaker 1 (05:45):
Yeah, about being treated poorly, but it's like it's never
going to change. That person is the way that they are,
and I just have to live with it, take them
as they are.
Speaker 2 (05:53):
Know. I one time had someone say something horrible to me,
and like, after a few years, I finally called.
Speaker 4 (05:58):
And was just explaining.
Speaker 2 (05:59):
I explained my hurt to them, and I was still
expecting an apology and dating of me an apology. And
I had a moment where I was like, oh my gosh,
I have spent way more time thinking about this than
they ever did.
Speaker 5 (06:10):
Yeah, and I have.
Speaker 2 (06:11):
To let it go because I don't know that I'm
ever gonna get what I thought I needed from them.
Speaker 3 (06:16):
Damn. Take that advice put in my pocket.
Speaker 5 (06:21):
This one is from her name for herself. She called
herself almost thirty, flirty and trying not to dry heath
here we go, Dear Banya and Mark and Easton. Last year,
I celebrated my twenty ninth birthday by inviting a few
friends to my favorite diner for dinner sweatshirts and sweatpants. Encouraged,
A dear friend brought her new boyfriend. He is hilarious
(06:42):
and he clearly loves her very much. One problem. He
has horrible table manners. He burps loudly and often. Sometimes
he says to excuse me, but not always, and he
often makes a big show of blowing it away. It's
so awkward, jarring, and honestly makes me gag. His burp
stopped conversations multiple times because it was so startling. I'm
(07:05):
planning the same get together to celebrate turning thirty in
a few weeks, and I don't know how to address
this with my friend right now. The invitation doesn't have
the option for a plus one. But what if she
asks to bring him? Do I invite him and ask
him to be more mindful or do I just suck
it up for her? Please help?
Speaker 3 (07:22):
Oh my god goes the same to this.
Speaker 1 (07:25):
Take people as they are. You cannot ask this man
to like not burp it. There's no Maral in which
that goes over well, I think you I think you
could ask your friend.
Speaker 4 (07:37):
I could. I think you could have a conversation with
your friend and be like, wait.
Speaker 2 (07:40):
This reminded my birthday's coming up and reminded me of
last year when Tom kept burping loudly at the table,
like he's still doing that? Does that bother you?
Speaker 3 (07:51):
And if she says no, it's so funny and cute,
then what.
Speaker 4 (07:53):
Then be like, people, can you ask him not to
do It's gonna gross.
Speaker 1 (07:57):
And then she's gonna be like, oh, do you not
want him to come to your You don't want him around?
Speaker 3 (08:02):
And I don't need to bring him around?
Speaker 2 (08:03):
Then be like, I love him. He's so funny and
everyone loved him. It was just the burping was a
little jarring. Stop the conversation multiple times.
Speaker 5 (08:11):
I agree, I think talk to the friend.
Speaker 4 (08:14):
This isn't this isn't like a personality trait. This is like,
he could very well not belch at the table.
Speaker 3 (08:20):
I just don't see a world in which this goes
over well.
Speaker 5 (08:23):
But look, there's no plus one, so she has to
call and say, hey, do you mind if Tom comes?
Then you say love Tom. Tom's so funny, he clearly
or however, however, the burping last year was a little
much for me. Could we maybe give him an antacid
or something to, you know, make it?
Speaker 4 (08:41):
Did jamake it?
Speaker 3 (08:43):
You say this now?
Speaker 2 (08:44):
No?
Speaker 1 (08:45):
I think this is when we were going to your
birthday dinner and Robbie was burping like a sailor on Okay.
Speaker 2 (08:52):
Let's say I didn't have a plus one and you
called and said, Beca, can I burt?
Speaker 4 (08:56):
What am I saying? Becca?
Speaker 3 (08:57):
Can I bring Robbie?
Speaker 4 (08:58):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (08:59):
I would say hey. I'd be like, yes, I love Robbie.
Can you ask him not to belt at the table
this year? Yes?
Speaker 4 (09:07):
I would make it funny. And then you'd probably be like,
what he burped?
Speaker 3 (09:10):
And he literally was blowing the burps away. I would
say it smells like roses, what's your problem?
Speaker 2 (09:17):
You would not would Yeah, You'd probably be like, yeah,
he does that because.
Speaker 5 (09:23):
It would bother you too on some level.
Speaker 3 (09:25):
I don't know about that.
Speaker 4 (09:27):
Yeah, she probably yes, it would. She'd be like no,
but I do.
Speaker 2 (09:35):
I think it could be funny if you were if
if she said like, what he did that, and you
can be yeah, just let him know if he does
it again this year, we're putting him at another table.
Make it funny. Funny, yeah, lighthearted. I would say something
that is disgusting.
Speaker 5 (09:49):
You have a pepsid A c oh my god, slide
it across the table. Funny, it's funny, it's not. It's
not a nervous tick. This is an actual He's doing
this on purpose.
Speaker 3 (10:00):
All right? What are you guys? Thinks?
Speaker 4 (10:03):
I say?
Speaker 2 (10:04):
Just no.
Speaker 5 (10:04):
Plus ones's another option from anonymous. Hi, beck Antani, I
could you some help. I'm visiting my boyfriend's hometown and
in a few weeks for a wedding. He will be
the best man for the groom. Seems fine, right?
Speaker 2 (10:14):
Well?
Speaker 5 (10:15):
I was browsing the wedding website to look for the registry,
and while doing so, I saw the bridal party information
and come to find out, I see a name that
sounded familiar. Yep, his ex girlfriend is going to be
part of the bridal party. I gasped, because this was
news to me and he hadn't brought this up. I'm
trying not to spiral here is maybe this is something
he just forgot to share or felt like it wasn't necessary.
(10:35):
Should I ask him about the ex? Should I ignore
it and move on for the wedding. I'm going to
be alone for a bit while the wedding party does
their thing. How do you go about seeing your significant
others X at a wedding. I'm trying not to make
this awkward, but I'm feeling a bit nervous now as
we are closer to it.
Speaker 4 (10:52):
I've never had a deal with this. Have you had
to do with this?
Speaker 3 (10:56):
H I mean it's not quite the same.
Speaker 5 (11:03):
I see what you're saying.
Speaker 1 (11:04):
Yeah, I mean it's not quite the same, right, because
it's it's actually not the same.
Speaker 5 (11:10):
So no, I have not dealt with it that his
ex is in your life.
Speaker 1 (11:14):
Yeah, likes right, because there's children involved, so like I
see her around and stuff like that. But it's it's
different in the sense that, like my question to you.
Speaker 3 (11:23):
Goes though, I feel like the bridal.
Speaker 1 (11:25):
Party doesn't do much together aside from like take photos.
So like, yeah, they're going to be like taking photos
and stuff, but it's not like they're like hanging out
and drinking, you know what I mean. Like the girls
are going to be getting ready with the girls, the
guys are gonna be getting ready with the groom, you know.
Like I feel like there's not gonna be much overlap,
So I feel like you shouldn't spiral too much because
they're literally just gonna be taking photos together.
Speaker 4 (11:46):
Listen, she'son X for a reason. You're with him.
Speaker 2 (11:49):
Now, you're going to the wedding as his date. And
I think that that there is nothing cooler than you
knowing and not saying or in my opinion.
Speaker 5 (12:00):
Yes, and he is not keeping this from you.
Speaker 3 (12:02):
I agree. I think that he probably.
Speaker 5 (12:04):
Couldn't care less and doesn't it even think about yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2 (12:08):
And if if there's a moment at the wedding where
you're like you see him talk like you're kind of
like what's going on, then it's a conversation of like, hey,
you know, I didn't know.
Speaker 4 (12:18):
I don't even know. I don't think you say anything.
Speaker 5 (12:20):
No, you're better than this anonymous you won.
Speaker 4 (12:25):
I don't know that. I think you won.
Speaker 2 (12:29):
One.
Speaker 5 (12:29):
Yes, rise above to get involved in that stuff.
Speaker 1 (12:34):
Unless she wants to like make a joke, she could
make a joke like, oh, I didn't know, Betty Lows.
Speaker 4 (12:40):
The joke always kind of like jokes for belching. The
jokes are for belching.
Speaker 2 (12:46):
Yeah, No, I think I think you just put on
your best dress. Walking confident in her.
Speaker 4 (12:55):
Yeah, oh you had a next name Martha Lou.
Speaker 3 (13:01):
No you can't, you can't. You can't go down that path.
Speaker 4 (13:03):
I'm just kidding.
Speaker 3 (13:04):
No, no, no.
Speaker 2 (13:05):
Just introduce yourself like nothing's just like more screams confidence,
like a strong introduction.
Speaker 5 (13:10):
Yes, yeah, Martha Lou.
Speaker 3 (13:13):
I did that with Martha Lou.
Speaker 5 (13:15):
Yeah. All right, I'm gonna tease this next one. Okay,
oh yes, Radio one oh one, all right. Coming up next,
we have a long time listener with an issue with
her boyfriend and it's a location issue. It is a
long distance potentially issue, and that's we're going to get
into next. Perhaps you can relate to someone in a
long distance relationship potentially. That's next on scrubbing in.
Speaker 2 (13:53):
All right, we are back and we have a job
predicament to handle.
Speaker 5 (13:58):
Dear Beckattanya Mark, longtime listener, an OG bachelor fan here.
I've been dating my boyfriend for four years. We lived
together at a solid relationship, were in our late twenties.
I'm from the East Coast. He's from the West Coast.
He came here for a five year PhD program and
he was set to graduate next May. I am in
a master's program to become a nurse practitioner, set to
graduate next May as well. Since the beginning, my boyfriend
(14:20):
has made it pretty clear that he doesn't want to
stay here. There are opportunities, but he wants to go
back home, but back to the West Coast. Friend's family,
all that stuff, and I've been excited at the prospects
of living in a new place, and I said, I
am on board, I'm flexible, let's go west. Well, my
boyfriend took an internship this fall, so it means that
his graduation is going to be pushed back, so we're
no longer graduating at the same time. My degree requires
(14:42):
a lot of clinical skills and knowledge that I'm worried
that if I will then I'll lose those skills. If
it don't immediately start a job when I graduate, I
could fall back on being a nurse at my current
job for a bit, but it's not something I want
to do for too long. I'm excited to get started
start my life. I wanted to be making the endp
Bucks and Me says, I have to get a job
for myself and focus on what's best for me. Modern
(15:03):
woman power all the way. But there's this part of
me that thinks am I jeopardizing our relationship by not
waiting a few months for him to graduate figure out
his stuff so we can all move together. For context,
he's very supportive of me getting an MP job here,
especially since we're in a city with some of the
best hospitals in the country. He seems okay with being
in two different places for a bit. He says, we'll
make it work, we'll figure it out. But I can't
(15:24):
help the thinking. The committee to do a job here
is going to make things harder on our relationship. What
are your thoughts? And by the way, thank you for
being a continual happy place for me. You guys are
the best.
Speaker 1 (15:37):
This one's tough because I feel like I don't know
the intricacies of NP and like that job circuit because
if you take if she takes the job there now
and then he graduates in six months, can't she just
look for another job in six months?
Speaker 3 (15:53):
Summow is right that poo pooed upon.
Speaker 4 (15:59):
Yeah, I don't know either, but maybe that is something
I don't know.
Speaker 1 (16:02):
It seems like a very compromise. Get a job now
straight out after you graduate, wait for him to graduate,
and then transfer after six months wherever he goes, or why.
Speaker 4 (16:11):
Can't y'all stay for.
Speaker 2 (16:14):
Like agree to a time, Like let's say you agree
to stay there for a year, you get a job,
you're there for at least a year, and then you
see if there's a transfer opportunity, and that way, when
he graduates, he can get a job or something, and
y'all can kind of be in the same place while
you're doing what you want to do.
Speaker 4 (16:31):
With the potential of transferring somewhere else.
Speaker 5 (16:34):
Right, I think you'd be giving to him by getting
a job and waiting for him, and then he should
give to you by kind of waiting for you, because
I think a year at a job that's reasonable. Right
to leave after a year at a job, I don't know.
It seems like I don't think you'd be looked down
upon if you left after a year, No.
Speaker 2 (16:52):
Because I mean I think you just graduate, you get
a job, and then it's kind of like, Okay, there's
opportunities always to transfer and go to new places.
Speaker 5 (17:00):
I guess there's a danger that this is going to
be a great job. She can love it, you love
the people she works with. She's not I want to
leave so much. I guess there's danger in that.
Speaker 4 (17:08):
I think here's the thing.
Speaker 2 (17:08):
If you're compromising and you're saying, well, he finishes, then
I think that he compromises and stays till you feel
ready to move on too. I think if this is
your person and you'll want to be together, then you're
going to figure it out wherever you are.
Speaker 5 (17:24):
How do you both feel about them spending say six
months apart he leaves after he graduates. She does know
the six months on the East coast? Is that dangerous
as long as.
Speaker 1 (17:34):
There's an end date, right, Like, as long as you
have a goal to be together. I think it's problematic
when you do long distance and there's no end in sight.
Speaker 2 (17:41):
I think long distance is hard though, like I do,
I think your relationship will experience the new challenges and
if y'all.
Speaker 3 (17:49):
It doesn't challenge you, it doesn't change you.
Speaker 4 (17:50):
That's true.
Speaker 2 (17:51):
But I don't know that if Robbie said, hey, let's
spend six months apart, that you would say, if it
doesn't challenge you, it doesn't change you.
Speaker 1 (18:00):
If he said spend six months, I'd be like, really,
so you're not getting.
Speaker 5 (18:10):
Out of that, But like, timeframe wise, okay. She graduates
twenty five May, she gets a job, he graduates what
I guess January twenty six, then he moves west. So
you're looking at like maybe end to twenty six year together.
That does seem like a long time from.
Speaker 3 (18:24):
Now, but they're in their late twenties. They have time.
Speaker 5 (18:26):
That's true.
Speaker 4 (18:27):
If this is your person, then ye'll figure it out.
Speaker 2 (18:30):
You're gonna and it might be hard, and you might
go through some rocky time of you know, navigating what
to do. But if this is your person, then the
end will be all together somewhere.
Speaker 3 (18:42):
I agree.
Speaker 5 (18:43):
Is there anything to the theory that you should test
a relationship like putting your relationship to a test like this.
If you can survive this, he is definitely the one
that you can survive anything.
Speaker 3 (18:52):
Personally, I don't agree on these tests.
Speaker 2 (18:55):
Well, I don't think every relationship. I think if you
get through it, then yeah, it was worked out and
y'all were meant to be because you put in the
work to make it work. But I don't know that
every relationship needs to go through an LDR to know
if it's right or not.
Speaker 5 (19:11):
Well, every relationship will be tested in its own ways.
I suppose perhaps this.
Speaker 3 (19:15):
Is yours has its test.
Speaker 5 (19:18):
Objects, anonymous mother in law missing an action, Nope, made
of honor, missing an action. I got my acronyms messed up.
Hi Beckatania Market Eastern. I'm getting married next summer. My
maid of honor has essentially ghosted me. For context, I
named my two high school best friends as co maids
of honor, and I have one other bridesmaid. My co
maids of honor haven't always been the best communicators, but
(19:39):
I knew that going in. I'm a planner. I have
no issues of ranging the details of my bachelorette party
and the wedding. That being said, I'll ask for input
from time to time. It has been three months since
I've heard from one of my maids of honor. We
were so worried we even reached out to her sister
and her husband. The only thing they told me is
that works really busy and she's horrible at responding waiting
(20:00):
on her to pay her portion of the bachelorette party,
give input on the dresses, amongst other things, and I
feel I've been hurt that she's not making the effort.
I've even gone so far as to say, hey, I
haven't heard from you in a long time, and I'm
really worried. Please let me know you're okay. No response?
How do I move forward? If she continues to not respond?
Do I remove her from the bridal party? Or am
(20:21):
I overreacting? Tanya? What would you do if one of
your bridal party members stopped responding? Thank you guys so
much for what you do. I've been listening since the
very beginning and want you to know the Canadians love you.
Speaker 2 (20:35):
But first of all, can you imagine I'm just like
stop responding.
Speaker 1 (20:41):
I'm like, well, I for one, wouldn't allow it. I
would just keep texting until I got a response.
Speaker 2 (20:48):
I mean, I don't know that that's the best approach
to annoy the person, but you know, if all else fails,
I just don't know if this is the person you
want representing your closest, most supportive people in your life
standing next to you on your wedding day like you're
about sing a huge commitment in your life, and the
(21:09):
person that you want standing up or you know, not
physically standing up, metaphorically standing up there with you, is
ghosting you.
Speaker 4 (21:20):
I think you have your answer. Take people as they
are as they are.
Speaker 1 (21:25):
I know, but she's in a little bit of a
picklenaw because she's already asked her to be her maide
of honor, so now she's honor, so you think she.
Speaker 2 (21:34):
I would just say, Hey, I feel like you have
a lot going on. I don't want you to feel pressure.
I I know I gave I asked you to be
a maid of honor, and I I think maybe that
what may have been too much for you to take
on during this time in your life. So I would
love for you to be a part of the wedding,
but I also don't want you to feel like if
it's too if there's too much happening, I don't want
(21:54):
you to feel that pressure. And just maybe she'll respond
to that. If she doesn't respond, then like I don't
think she should be a part of your wedding.
Speaker 1 (22:02):
I do feel like there's become this like crazy expectation
that like people have on their bridal party for like
all of these things like basically like helping them like
completely helping them plan their wedding, being so involved like
do it. You know, Like I feel like there's so
much pressure put on people for these things when we're
all just trying to like live our lives and do
(22:24):
our best and I think that obviously she cannot participate
in the way that you want her to, so just
work around her. If she's not getting back to you
about a dress, like that's semi important, Like she needs
to like that's.
Speaker 4 (22:37):
What I'm saying, get a dress or.
Speaker 3 (22:38):
Just be like, hey, like if this is too much, I'm.
Speaker 4 (22:40):
Totally cool with it.
Speaker 1 (22:41):
I really actually am Mary May has been doing an
excellent job and she's happy to take on the full responsibility.
And that way, you don't have to like do anything.
You can just attend the wedding, have fun, be there,
celebrate our love. But you don't have to do you
don't have any of the responsibility.
Speaker 2 (23:00):
Yeah, I would just let her off the hook if
that's if that's why she's not responding, But as a friend,
aside from the nid of honor duties, I think it
sucks that she's not responding period because she could communicate,
like I just don't know if I have the bandwidth
for this, and I want to be there for you,
but I'm clearly not able to show it for you
the way I need to, and.
Speaker 4 (23:20):
She's not doing that. Yeah, I agree, So I'm bothered.
Speaker 2 (23:23):
I'm bothered for you, but I think you just move forward,
but they can't move forward.
Speaker 4 (23:28):
Like with the bachelortte party, she's not you just.
Speaker 1 (23:31):
You need to pay her portion, pay her out, pay
her portion and cut her out.
Speaker 4 (23:35):
Oh well, we've changed pay portion and cut her out.
Speaker 3 (23:38):
Cut her out.
Speaker 1 (23:39):
You're trying to plan the bachelor party. She's not paying,
she's not responding. You got to get the show on
the road. Circus has got to go to town.
Speaker 5 (23:46):
So if she's not responding to you, give her a deadline.
Do you say, Look, if I don't hear from you
by the end of the year, we got to just
plan this without you. And I'm so sorry.
Speaker 2 (23:52):
I like the year, end of the week, whatever, whatever,
like set a timeline when you need it, Like when
you need to know, just say, hey, if I don't
hear from you by next Friday, we have to move forward.
Speaker 4 (24:03):
And I'm just I'm just gonna assume that you're not
able to be.
Speaker 5 (24:06):
That gives her an hour. Yeah, without making her respond,
she can just ignore you and then then you have
every answer you need. By the way, how do you
feel about a bride planning her own bachelorette party? Is
that common?
Speaker 2 (24:19):
Allie? Basically did hers because she like wanted it in
a very specific way, and she I would be like
what about this? And she would go what about this?
And I was a sounding board but she basically.
Speaker 5 (24:31):
So not not that uncommon. That sounds uncommon to me.
Speaker 4 (24:33):
But I don't guess if I would like to plan mine,
you would.
Speaker 3 (24:36):
I think I'm gonna plan mine?
Speaker 5 (24:38):
Really well, why don't you just let them take care
of it?
Speaker 3 (24:41):
Time's a ticket, Mama's got to go. Mama's gotta go for.
Speaker 4 (24:46):
A location and date which week last time we did
the podcast?
Speaker 1 (24:49):
You can figure out a date with all these people around,
So I'm just like, we gotta go.
Speaker 5 (24:55):
I them a date in the city and then Becka
and Paulina plan the whole thing. That's what I think.
You You do well? Let go Not as easy as that.
Why why not for the.
Speaker 3 (25:06):
We have some bumps in the road, do you Yeah?
Speaker 5 (25:10):
I guess we're not going to talk about those bumps.
Speaker 1 (25:12):
What there's just scheduling conflicts for different members of the
bridal different members of.
Speaker 3 (25:16):
The bridal party. So it's like, do I just.
Speaker 1 (25:20):
Go on a weekend where everybody can attend and just
say it's fine if people can't attend.
Speaker 3 (25:25):
You know what I mean?
Speaker 1 (25:25):
Like that's or do I just do it in a
way where it's less aggressive and people can attend.
Speaker 3 (25:32):
Everybody can attend. Does that make sense?
Speaker 5 (25:35):
Yeah?
Speaker 3 (25:36):
Kind of the bump.
Speaker 5 (25:37):
That's the debate right now. Well, just let me know.
I can't wait.
Speaker 2 (25:40):
We're really looking forward to it, regardless of where we
do it, whether.
Speaker 4 (25:45):
Afar or we need to get the ball rolling.
Speaker 3 (25:51):
Yeah, time, time is a ticking.
Speaker 5 (25:53):
Okay, all right, Coming up next, we're going to tell
you how Leylah found us. By the way, I was wrong,
She's not from another country. I was mixing up I
scrub her email. Yeah, but she's the one that we
went back through March and April's guests to figure out
who drew her to us. Okay, well we have an answer,
all right, and it's next.
Speaker 4 (26:26):
All right, we are back.
Speaker 2 (26:28):
I love when people give us updates on things because
we never do. We never come through with updates, but
they always come through for us.
Speaker 5 (26:36):
Lilah wrote to us for our last dear Banya, and
we wondered how she found us. She said she found
scrubbing in back in April. We were like, I wonder
what that was? Why? In April of twenty twenty four.
Did she find scrubbing in with Becca Antonya well? She
wrote us back and Lilah said, thank you so much
for answering my questions on the Dear Bonya to be
continued episode, by the way, a classic, in my opinion,
(26:56):
a classic. I wanted to reach back out to answer
your fellow up for me. I found your podcast episode
with Parvity wow Well. Looking for podcast interviews from the
Traders participants and loved par from both Traders and Survivor.
I love Parv as well. She's great, and I think
that was one of our theories, wasn't it. When we
were running down the possibilities in March and April, I
think we mentioned poverty. I was then drawn back in
(27:18):
with the Chelsea Blackwell interview from Love Is Blind. I
listened to a few more episodes with just Tanya, Beckham,
Mark and Easton, and by April I was hooked Wow Well.
I knew and was more familiar with Becker from the Bachelor.
I was really intrigued by Tany's intentionality and thoughtfulness, and
I absolutely loved the banterler between Tanya and Beca. The
way Mark and Eastern are included was also a big
(27:39):
draw and a dynamic. I love to listen to keep
doing what you're doing. I'm a scrubber for life. PS Tanya.
I like the abbreviated TBC as a sign off as
opposed to to be continued. It's shorter and as the
same rhythm as love yea Baye, which feels short, sweet
and familiar. My two cents TVC Oh.
Speaker 3 (27:59):
My god, I was so cute.
Speaker 4 (28:00):
I was so cute, the cutest ever.
Speaker 5 (28:03):
Thoughts on TBC.
Speaker 3 (28:06):
That'sn't TBC because people that don't know.
Speaker 1 (28:10):
Yeah, so maybe I have to start with to be
continued for a while as I get used to it,
and then switch over to then like tuberculosis.
Speaker 3 (28:20):
I think she's like ABC. She's saying alphabet.
Speaker 5 (28:23):
Taking care of business.
Speaker 4 (28:24):
Yeah, we're still troubleshooting.
Speaker 2 (28:25):
To be continued though, Yeah, TBD, TBDBC.
Speaker 3 (28:34):
I'd glad to have ParvE back on. I love PARV.
Speaker 1 (28:38):
She's got a couple shows that she's been doing. She's
on Dealer and O Deeal Island and then like one
other show she filmed.
Speaker 4 (28:45):
Are you excited about the New Traders coming up?
Speaker 3 (28:47):
Yes? Are you?
Speaker 4 (28:49):
I think so?
Speaker 3 (28:50):
I think so?
Speaker 4 (28:51):
Yeah, Roshelle Wells. I am excited to Seekshelle in Wells.
Speaker 3 (28:57):
Who else Brendy Spears husband, Yeah, I don't know. Home
there also Sam as Rocky.
Speaker 2 (29:05):
I think the new what's the show where they do
like really intense like Army.
Speaker 3 (29:11):
So Fox it's on Foxes.
Speaker 2 (29:14):
That cast is really good, better than Traders.
Speaker 5 (29:18):
Survivors going to be on Traders too?
Speaker 3 (29:21):
Oh my god, it's better and better.
Speaker 5 (29:27):
Wow.
Speaker 3 (29:28):
Yeah, it's a good cast.
Speaker 5 (29:29):
Yeah, I'm still not going to watch that. But oh
Jeremy from.
Speaker 4 (29:32):
Survivor too, wow wow, well he says.
Speaker 5 (29:36):
And Sam's Gowi is his name? I said it wrong.
Speaker 4 (29:39):
Well, anyways, I'm excited about Special.
Speaker 3 (29:43):
Forces too, that comes out next year, right, yeah, I.
Speaker 2 (29:47):
Think a lot of shows come. I think we're in
a dead season for nothing else.
Speaker 3 (29:51):
What comes out the day after Christmas?
Speaker 2 (29:54):
No?
Speaker 5 (29:55):
Really?
Speaker 3 (29:56):
No good Games too?
Speaker 2 (29:59):
Oh yeah, yes, the perfect show to lift your holiday spirits.
Speaker 3 (30:04):
I know it's so weird.
Speaker 1 (30:05):
I thought it was weird timing too, but if you
think about it, like the day after Christmas, like I
feel like a lot of people just yea week.
Speaker 5 (30:12):
Yeah, it's a good That's a big week for Netflix,
I'll bet.
Speaker 3 (30:15):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (30:15):
Did you finish The Housemaid?
Speaker 5 (30:17):
No, but I'm getting closer now. I don't read. I
do read a lot, but not for very much of
the time. Yeah. Wow, Yeah, it's a quick read, but
I like, you know, I'll refly like five minutes tonight. Okay,
but it's very good. Yeah, the Houseman's had a nice
littlewist and it's a good book.
Speaker 4 (30:31):
Yeah, great book.
Speaker 5 (30:32):
Yeah, wait, a book. Read that.
Speaker 3 (30:35):
What am I watching right now? I haven't had much
watch time. I've been watching Shit's Creak again for the
second time.
Speaker 5 (30:42):
What was your what's your weekend watch list going to be? Friday?
Speaker 3 (30:45):
Carry on?
Speaker 5 (30:45):
Carry on? Right?
Speaker 4 (30:47):
Watch that I'm going to watch carry On too.
Speaker 3 (30:48):
Honestly, it's really good.
Speaker 4 (30:49):
I'm excited.
Speaker 1 (30:50):
And then yeah, Shit's Creak it's better the second time around.
Oh my god, it's such a good show.
Speaker 2 (30:58):
Well we'll be back on Monday, Yes we will. So
have no fear, even though the weekend is here.
Speaker 4 (31:05):
We are not far. We're very near, to be clear,
and to be continued.
Speaker 3 (31:12):
No, you gotta keep rhyming.
Speaker 4 (31:13):
I was done.
Speaker 3 (31:15):
Don't did you say fear?
Speaker 4 (31:16):
Yeah? Yeah, my stomach.
Speaker 3 (31:20):
I love you, my dear
Speaker 4 (31:22):
Okay, don't shut it, dear,
Scrubbing In with Becca Tilly and Tanya rap An iHeartRadio podcast.
Speaker 2 (00:08):
Hello everybody, we are scrubbing in.
Speaker 3 (00:15):
In the top top time.
Speaker 4 (00:18):
We have a Dear Bonnie.
Speaker 2 (00:19):
Episode today that's right for y'all's hard hitting questions, concerns, emails, messages.
Speaker 4 (00:26):
We're here.
Speaker 5 (00:27):
Can I tease one that we'll end with? Remember a
couple of weeks ago we talked about there was a
listener from I want to say another country named Lilah.
Speaker 2 (00:35):
Oh that that she had kept trying to make plans
was like her sister in laws and well.
Speaker 5 (00:40):
The key was that she had said we were We
wondered aloud how she found us? Wasn't she in Denmark? Amsterdam?
Speaker 4 (00:48):
I thought it was.
Speaker 5 (00:49):
We talked, Yeah, we're trying to remember, we're trying to like,
we're brainstorming how she may have found us. Well, we
have the answer to how she found us.
Speaker 2 (00:55):
Ah, yeah, wow, that will be towards the end of
the episode for letting us know.
Speaker 4 (01:01):
Shall we just jump right into it? Shall it?
Speaker 3 (01:04):
Shall we?
Speaker 4 (01:05):
Shall?
Speaker 5 (01:05):
We shall? Let's do it? Here we go from Taylor.
Speaker 3 (01:08):
Oh, you're discerning from the top, Should I not?
Speaker 4 (01:10):
Nope, That's what I like to do.
Speaker 5 (01:11):
Okay, take it from the top, Taylor says, Hi Becatanya
Mark and Eastern longtime listener here an overall big fan.
I was recently burned by a friend and I'm having
a hard time moving on. My wife wlw relationship and
I let a friend move into our basement while she
was going through a divorce. As Thanksgiving approached, we had
to do some problem solving because we booked a dog
(01:32):
sitter as we were going to be traveling. The dog
sitter was going to live at the house when we
were gone. Well, that wasn't really fair to either one
of them because they'd be forced to live alongside each
other as strangers, which is weird. And explaining that to
our friend, she said, hey, I'll watch the dogs. I'm
going to be here. Don't pay for a dog sitter.
I got you great, cancel the dog sitter. They were
(01:54):
charged a cancelation fee for canceling dog sitter, but okay,
still save us some money. We got a good plan here.
Fast forward a few weeks, five days before we were
supposed to leave, said friend texted saying, you know what,
my plans have changed. I'm going to be traveling too.
I can no longer watch those dogs. Well, luckily we
were able to find out the dog sitters to cover this,
but now we're paying the cancelation fee to the first
one and now to other people to watch the dogs.
(02:16):
And we thought it was right for her to maybe
pay for those fees or help us pay for those fees. Instead,
she abruptly moved out and has cut off all communication.
I'm curious to know if you think it's fair that
we asked her to cover the fees, and regardless, how
do you suggest I let this go and move on.
Speaker 2 (02:34):
I think if y'all did hear that big of a favor,
letting someone move into your home and crash is such
a yes, a kind thoughtful thing to do for someone
like that's a big undertaking.
Speaker 3 (02:44):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (02:45):
And so for her to not even have, first of all,
the respect of not offering to help y'all find a
dog sitter or pay for one, or saying like, let
me pay the cancelation fee. I'm sorry that that happened
and that I changed last minute just kind of is
exposing the type of person she is.
Speaker 4 (03:03):
And maybe she's going through a lot.
Speaker 2 (03:04):
I'm not saying maybe she's not her best self right
now if she's going through a divorce and just trying
to figure.
Speaker 4 (03:09):
Out her life.
Speaker 2 (03:10):
But I think maybe it's for the best, and maybe
she did you a favor cutting off communication.
Speaker 1 (03:18):
I feel like the best piece of advice I've ever
received is take people as they are. I'll say it
again for the people in the back. Take people as
they are. Like Becca said, she may not be in
her best state right now going through divorce. She might be,
you know, frazzled and not dealing with stuff that with
it she normally would. But to me, like if she
(03:42):
didn't offer to help pay for the fees and isn't
like offering that to me, asking that is so awkward
and such a waste of your energy because you're gonna
work yourself up trying to like figure out how to ask,
and then if she says no, then you're gonna work
yourself up over that. You're gonna be working yourself up
so much over this. It's kind of just like, know
this about her now and.
Speaker 3 (04:03):
Just learn moving forward.
Speaker 4 (04:06):
She already asked her to pay she just hasn't.
Speaker 2 (04:09):
She just already asked her to pay the fees, and
she just stopped corresponding.
Speaker 4 (04:13):
She's ghosted them.
Speaker 5 (04:15):
So does she owe you? Yeah, probably stayed with you,
used your home dog fees, whatever. But here's the quote
that I like to live by, good advice I received.
We've discussed this before. Life becomes easier when you learn
to accept the apology that you never got. So is
she sorry? Let's assume she is. In fact, she probably is.
(04:37):
Maybe she's embarrassed, maybe she's not. Maybe even if she's not,
you know what, accept her apology whether it happens or not,
and you move on. That's it.
Speaker 4 (04:47):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (04:48):
I think that maybe she felt embarrassed and isn't in
a financial place to help pay fees.
Speaker 4 (04:55):
But in a perfect.
Speaker 2 (04:56):
World, she could have said, you know what, I'm sorry,
I'm not able to pay those fees, like financially, is
there any way else I can help you or do
something to help you out? Because I feel really bad
and I want to be a good friend to you.
She might not have the capacity to do that or
the tools to do that. And I also agree with Mark, like,
there are just people in your life that you have
to let go the expectation of getting an apology because
(05:17):
you could waste your life and energy waiting to get
something that will never happen. Yeah, and if you can't
move on from it, you're just you're spending unnecessary energy
on someone who's probably not ever going to think about
it again.
Speaker 3 (05:33):
Yeah, my god, I need to listen to this advice. Honestly,
I work myself up over.
Speaker 5 (05:39):
Quite a lot about being treated poorly or treating others
poorly in the past.
Speaker 1 (05:45):
Yeah, about being treated poorly, but it's like it's never
going to change. That person is the way that they are,
and I just have to live with it, take them
as they are.
Speaker 2 (05:53):
Know. I one time had someone say something horrible to me,
and like, after a few years, I finally called.
Speaker 4 (05:58):
And was just explaining.
Speaker 2 (05:59):
I explained my hurt to them, and I was still
expecting an apology and dating of me an apology. And
I had a moment where I was like, oh my gosh,
I have spent way more time thinking about this than
they ever did.
Speaker 5 (06:10):
Yeah, and I have.
Speaker 2 (06:11):
To let it go because I don't know that I'm
ever gonna get what I thought I needed from them.
Speaker 3 (06:16):
Damn. Take that advice put in my pocket.
Speaker 5 (06:21):
This one is from her name for herself. She called
herself almost thirty, flirty and trying not to dry heath
here we go, Dear Banya and Mark and Easton. Last year,
I celebrated my twenty ninth birthday by inviting a few
friends to my favorite diner for dinner sweatshirts and sweatpants. Encouraged,
A dear friend brought her new boyfriend. He is hilarious
(06:42):
and he clearly loves her very much. One problem. He
has horrible table manners. He burps loudly and often. Sometimes
he says to excuse me, but not always, and he
often makes a big show of blowing it away. It's
so awkward, jarring, and honestly makes me gag. His burp
stopped conversations multiple times because it was so startling. I'm
(07:05):
planning the same get together to celebrate turning thirty in
a few weeks, and I don't know how to address
this with my friend right now. The invitation doesn't have
the option for a plus one. But what if she
asks to bring him? Do I invite him and ask
him to be more mindful or do I just suck
it up for her? Please help?
Speaker 3 (07:22):
Oh my god goes the same to this.
Speaker 1 (07:25):
Take people as they are. You cannot ask this man
to like not burp it. There's no Maral in which
that goes over well, I think you I think you
could ask your friend.
Speaker 4 (07:37):
I could. I think you could have a conversation with
your friend and be like, wait.
Speaker 2 (07:40):
This reminded my birthday's coming up and reminded me of
last year when Tom kept burping loudly at the table,
like he's still doing that? Does that bother you?
Speaker 3 (07:51):
And if she says no, it's so funny and cute,
then what.
Speaker 4 (07:53):
Then be like, people, can you ask him not to
do It's gonna gross.
Speaker 1 (07:57):
And then she's gonna be like, oh, do you not
want him to come to your You don't want him around?
Speaker 3 (08:02):
And I don't need to bring him around?
Speaker 2 (08:03):
Then be like, I love him. He's so funny and
everyone loved him. It was just the burping was a
little jarring. Stop the conversation multiple times.
Speaker 5 (08:11):
I agree, I think talk to the friend.
Speaker 4 (08:14):
This isn't this isn't like a personality trait. This is like,
he could very well not belch at the table.
Speaker 3 (08:20):
I just don't see a world in which this goes
over well.
Speaker 5 (08:23):
But look, there's no plus one, so she has to
call and say, hey, do you mind if Tom comes?
Then you say love Tom. Tom's so funny, he clearly
or however, however, the burping last year was a little
much for me. Could we maybe give him an antacid
or something to, you know, make it?
Speaker 4 (08:41):
Did jamake it?
Speaker 3 (08:43):
You say this now?
Speaker 2 (08:44):
No?
Speaker 1 (08:45):
I think this is when we were going to your
birthday dinner and Robbie was burping like a sailor on Okay.
Speaker 2 (08:52):
Let's say I didn't have a plus one and you
called and said, Beca, can I burt?
Speaker 4 (08:56):
What am I saying? Becca?
Speaker 3 (08:57):
Can I bring Robbie?
Speaker 4 (08:58):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (08:59):
I would say hey. I'd be like, yes, I love Robbie.
Can you ask him not to belt at the table
this year? Yes?
Speaker 4 (09:07):
I would make it funny. And then you'd probably be like,
what he burped?
Speaker 3 (09:10):
And he literally was blowing the burps away. I would
say it smells like roses, what's your problem?
Speaker 2 (09:17):
You would not would Yeah, You'd probably be like, yeah,
he does that because.
Speaker 5 (09:23):
It would bother you too on some level.
Speaker 3 (09:25):
I don't know about that.
Speaker 4 (09:27):
Yeah, she probably yes, it would. She'd be like no,
but I do.
Speaker 2 (09:35):
I think it could be funny if you were if
if she said like, what he did that, and you
can be yeah, just let him know if he does
it again this year, we're putting him at another table.
Make it funny. Funny, yeah, lighthearted. I would say something
that is disgusting.
Speaker 5 (09:49):
You have a pepsid A c oh my god, slide
it across the table. Funny, it's funny, it's not. It's
not a nervous tick. This is an actual He's doing
this on purpose.
Speaker 3 (10:00):
All right? What are you guys? Thinks?
Speaker 4 (10:03):
I say?
Speaker 2 (10:04):
Just no.
Speaker 5 (10:04):
Plus ones's another option from anonymous. Hi, beck Antani, I
could you some help. I'm visiting my boyfriend's hometown and
in a few weeks for a wedding. He will be
the best man for the groom. Seems fine, right?
Speaker 2 (10:14):
Well?
Speaker 5 (10:15):
I was browsing the wedding website to look for the registry,
and while doing so, I saw the bridal party information
and come to find out, I see a name that
sounded familiar. Yep, his ex girlfriend is going to be
part of the bridal party. I gasped, because this was
news to me and he hadn't brought this up. I'm
trying not to spiral here is maybe this is something
he just forgot to share or felt like it wasn't necessary.
(10:35):
Should I ask him about the ex? Should I ignore
it and move on for the wedding. I'm going to
be alone for a bit while the wedding party does
their thing. How do you go about seeing your significant
others X at a wedding. I'm trying not to make
this awkward, but I'm feeling a bit nervous now as
we are closer to it.
Speaker 4 (10:52):
I've never had a deal with this. Have you had
to do with this?
Speaker 3 (10:56):
H I mean it's not quite the same.
Speaker 5 (11:03):
I see what you're saying.
Speaker 1 (11:04):
Yeah, I mean it's not quite the same, right, because
it's it's actually not the same.
Speaker 5 (11:10):
So no, I have not dealt with it that his
ex is in your life.
Speaker 1 (11:14):
Yeah, likes right, because there's children involved, so like I
see her around and stuff like that. But it's it's
different in the sense that, like my question to you.
Speaker 3 (11:23):
Goes though, I feel like the bridal.
Speaker 1 (11:25):
Party doesn't do much together aside from like take photos.
So like, yeah, they're going to be like taking photos
and stuff, but it's not like they're like hanging out
and drinking, you know what I mean. Like the girls
are going to be getting ready with the girls, the
guys are gonna be getting ready with the groom, you know.
Like I feel like there's not gonna be much overlap,
So I feel like you shouldn't spiral too much because
they're literally just gonna be taking photos together.
Speaker 4 (11:46):
Listen, she'son X for a reason. You're with him.
Speaker 2 (11:49):
Now, you're going to the wedding as his date. And
I think that that there is nothing cooler than you
knowing and not saying or in my opinion.
Speaker 5 (12:00):
Yes, and he is not keeping this from you.
Speaker 3 (12:02):
I agree. I think that he probably.
Speaker 5 (12:04):
Couldn't care less and doesn't it even think about yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2 (12:08):
And if if there's a moment at the wedding where
you're like you see him talk like you're kind of
like what's going on, then it's a conversation of like, hey,
you know, I didn't know.
Speaker 4 (12:18):
I don't even know. I don't think you say anything.
Speaker 5 (12:20):
No, you're better than this anonymous you won.
Speaker 4 (12:25):
I don't know that. I think you won.
Speaker 2 (12:29):
One.
Speaker 5 (12:29):
Yes, rise above to get involved in that stuff.
Speaker 1 (12:34):
Unless she wants to like make a joke, she could
make a joke like, oh, I didn't know, Betty Lows.
Speaker 4 (12:40):
The joke always kind of like jokes for belching. The
jokes are for belching.
Speaker 2 (12:46):
Yeah, No, I think I think you just put on
your best dress. Walking confident in her.
Speaker 4 (12:55):
Yeah, oh you had a next name Martha Lou.
Speaker 3 (13:01):
No you can't, you can't. You can't go down that path.
Speaker 4 (13:03):
I'm just kidding.
Speaker 3 (13:04):
No, no, no.
Speaker 2 (13:05):
Just introduce yourself like nothing's just like more screams confidence,
like a strong introduction.
Speaker 5 (13:10):
Yes, yeah, Martha Lou.
Speaker 3 (13:13):
I did that with Martha Lou.
Speaker 5 (13:15):
Yeah. All right, I'm gonna tease this next one. Okay,
oh yes, Radio one oh one, all right. Coming up next,
we have a long time listener with an issue with
her boyfriend and it's a location issue. It is a
long distance potentially issue, and that's we're going to get
into next. Perhaps you can relate to someone in a
long distance relationship potentially. That's next on scrubbing in.
Speaker 2 (13:53):
All right, we are back and we have a job
predicament to handle.
Speaker 5 (13:58):
Dear Beckattanya Mark, longtime listener, an OG bachelor fan here.
I've been dating my boyfriend for four years. We lived
together at a solid relationship, were in our late twenties.
I'm from the East Coast. He's from the West Coast.
He came here for a five year PhD program and
he was set to graduate next May. I am in
a master's program to become a nurse practitioner, set to
graduate next May as well. Since the beginning, my boyfriend
(14:20):
has made it pretty clear that he doesn't want to
stay here. There are opportunities, but he wants to go
back home, but back to the West Coast. Friend's family,
all that stuff, and I've been excited at the prospects
of living in a new place, and I said, I
am on board, I'm flexible, let's go west. Well, my
boyfriend took an internship this fall, so it means that
his graduation is going to be pushed back, so we're
no longer graduating at the same time. My degree requires
(14:42):
a lot of clinical skills and knowledge that I'm worried
that if I will then I'll lose those skills. If
it don't immediately start a job when I graduate, I
could fall back on being a nurse at my current
job for a bit, but it's not something I want
to do for too long. I'm excited to get started
start my life. I wanted to be making the endp
Bucks and Me says, I have to get a job
for myself and focus on what's best for me. Modern
(15:03):
woman power all the way. But there's this part of
me that thinks am I jeopardizing our relationship by not
waiting a few months for him to graduate figure out
his stuff so we can all move together. For context,
he's very supportive of me getting an MP job here,
especially since we're in a city with some of the
best hospitals in the country. He seems okay with being
in two different places for a bit. He says, we'll
make it work, we'll figure it out. But I can't
(15:24):
help the thinking. The committee to do a job here
is going to make things harder on our relationship. What
are your thoughts? And by the way, thank you for
being a continual happy place for me. You guys are
the best.
Speaker 1 (15:37):
This one's tough because I feel like I don't know
the intricacies of NP and like that job circuit because
if you take if she takes the job there now
and then he graduates in six months, can't she just
look for another job in six months?
Speaker 3 (15:53):
Summow is right that poo pooed upon.
Speaker 4 (15:59):
Yeah, I don't know either, but maybe that is something
I don't know.
Speaker 1 (16:02):
It seems like a very compromise. Get a job now
straight out after you graduate, wait for him to graduate,
and then transfer after six months wherever he goes, or why.
Speaker 4 (16:11):
Can't y'all stay for.
Speaker 2 (16:14):
Like agree to a time, Like let's say you agree
to stay there for a year, you get a job,
you're there for at least a year, and then you
see if there's a transfer opportunity, and that way, when
he graduates, he can get a job or something, and
y'all can kind of be in the same place while
you're doing what you want to do.
Speaker 4 (16:31):
With the potential of transferring somewhere else.
Speaker 5 (16:34):
Right, I think you'd be giving to him by getting
a job and waiting for him, and then he should
give to you by kind of waiting for you, because
I think a year at a job that's reasonable. Right
to leave after a year at a job, I don't know.
It seems like I don't think you'd be looked down
upon if you left after a year, No.
Speaker 2 (16:52):
Because I mean I think you just graduate, you get
a job, and then it's kind of like, Okay, there's
opportunities always to transfer and go to new places.
Speaker 5 (17:00):
I guess there's a danger that this is going to
be a great job. She can love it, you love
the people she works with. She's not I want to
leave so much. I guess there's danger in that.
Speaker 4 (17:08):
I think here's the thing.
Speaker 2 (17:08):
If you're compromising and you're saying, well, he finishes, then
I think that he compromises and stays till you feel
ready to move on too. I think if this is
your person and you'll want to be together, then you're
going to figure it out wherever you are.
Speaker 5 (17:24):
How do you both feel about them spending say six
months apart he leaves after he graduates. She does know
the six months on the East coast? Is that dangerous
as long as.
Speaker 1 (17:34):
There's an end date, right, Like, as long as you
have a goal to be together. I think it's problematic
when you do long distance and there's no end in sight.
Speaker 2 (17:41):
I think long distance is hard though, like I do,
I think your relationship will experience the new challenges and
if y'all.
Speaker 3 (17:49):
It doesn't challenge you, it doesn't change you.
Speaker 4 (17:50):
That's true.
Speaker 2 (17:51):
But I don't know that if Robbie said, hey, let's
spend six months apart, that you would say, if it
doesn't challenge you, it doesn't change you.
Speaker 1 (18:00):
If he said spend six months, I'd be like, really,
so you're not getting.
Speaker 5 (18:10):
Out of that, But like, timeframe wise, okay. She graduates
twenty five May, she gets a job, he graduates what
I guess January twenty six, then he moves west. So
you're looking at like maybe end to twenty six year together.
That does seem like a long time from.
Speaker 3 (18:24):
Now, but they're in their late twenties. They have time.
Speaker 5 (18:26):
That's true.
Speaker 4 (18:27):
If this is your person, then ye'll figure it out.
Speaker 2 (18:30):
You're gonna and it might be hard, and you might
go through some rocky time of you know, navigating what
to do. But if this is your person, then the
end will be all together somewhere.
Speaker 3 (18:42):
I agree.
Speaker 5 (18:43):
Is there anything to the theory that you should test
a relationship like putting your relationship to a test like this.
If you can survive this, he is definitely the one
that you can survive anything.
Speaker 3 (18:52):
Personally, I don't agree on these tests.
Speaker 2 (18:55):
Well, I don't think every relationship. I think if you
get through it, then yeah, it was worked out and
y'all were meant to be because you put in the
work to make it work. But I don't know that
every relationship needs to go through an LDR to know
if it's right or not.
Speaker 5 (19:11):
Well, every relationship will be tested in its own ways.
I suppose perhaps this.
Speaker 3 (19:15):
Is yours has its test.
Speaker 5 (19:18):
Objects, anonymous mother in law missing an action, Nope, made
of honor, missing an action. I got my acronyms messed up.
Hi Beckatania Market Eastern. I'm getting married next summer. My
maid of honor has essentially ghosted me. For context, I
named my two high school best friends as co maids
of honor, and I have one other bridesmaid. My co
maids of honor haven't always been the best communicators, but
(19:39):
I knew that going in. I'm a planner. I have
no issues of ranging the details of my bachelorette party
and the wedding. That being said, I'll ask for input
from time to time. It has been three months since
I've heard from one of my maids of honor. We
were so worried we even reached out to her sister
and her husband. The only thing they told me is
that works really busy and she's horrible at responding waiting
(20:00):
on her to pay her portion of the bachelorette party,
give input on the dresses, amongst other things, and I
feel I've been hurt that she's not making the effort.
I've even gone so far as to say, hey, I
haven't heard from you in a long time, and I'm
really worried. Please let me know you're okay. No response?
How do I move forward? If she continues to not respond?
Do I remove her from the bridal party? Or am
(20:21):
I overreacting? Tanya? What would you do if one of
your bridal party members stopped responding? Thank you guys so
much for what you do. I've been listening since the
very beginning and want you to know the Canadians love you.
Speaker 2 (20:35):
But first of all, can you imagine I'm just like
stop responding.
Speaker 1 (20:41):
I'm like, well, I for one, wouldn't allow it. I
would just keep texting until I got a response.
Speaker 2 (20:48):
I mean, I don't know that that's the best approach
to annoy the person, but you know, if all else fails,
I just don't know if this is the person you
want representing your closest, most supportive people in your life
standing next to you on your wedding day like you're
about sing a huge commitment in your life, and the
(21:09):
person that you want standing up or you know, not
physically standing up, metaphorically standing up there with you, is
ghosting you.
Speaker 4 (21:20):
I think you have your answer. Take people as they
are as they are.
Speaker 1 (21:25):
I know, but she's in a little bit of a
picklenaw because she's already asked her to be her maide
of honor, so now she's honor, so you think she.
Speaker 2 (21:34):
I would just say, Hey, I feel like you have
a lot going on. I don't want you to feel pressure.
I I know I gave I asked you to be
a maid of honor, and I I think maybe that
what may have been too much for you to take
on during this time in your life. So I would
love for you to be a part of the wedding,
but I also don't want you to feel like if
it's too if there's too much happening, I don't want
(21:54):
you to feel that pressure. And just maybe she'll respond
to that. If she doesn't respond, then like I don't
think she should be a part of your wedding.
Speaker 1 (22:02):
I do feel like there's become this like crazy expectation
that like people have on their bridal party for like
all of these things like basically like helping them like
completely helping them plan their wedding, being so involved like
do it. You know, Like I feel like there's so
much pressure put on people for these things when we're
all just trying to like live our lives and do
(22:24):
our best and I think that obviously she cannot participate
in the way that you want her to, so just
work around her. If she's not getting back to you
about a dress, like that's semi important, Like she needs
to like that's.
Speaker 4 (22:37):
What I'm saying, get a dress or.
Speaker 3 (22:38):
Just be like, hey, like if this is too much, I'm.
Speaker 4 (22:40):
Totally cool with it.
Speaker 1 (22:41):
I really actually am Mary May has been doing an
excellent job and she's happy to take on the full responsibility.
And that way, you don't have to like do anything.
You can just attend the wedding, have fun, be there,
celebrate our love. But you don't have to do you
don't have any of the responsibility.
Speaker 2 (23:00):
Yeah, I would just let her off the hook if
that's if that's why she's not responding, But as a friend,
aside from the nid of honor duties, I think it
sucks that she's not responding period because she could communicate,
like I just don't know if I have the bandwidth
for this, and I want to be there for you,
but I'm clearly not able to show it for you
the way I need to, and.
Speaker 4 (23:20):
She's not doing that. Yeah, I agree, So I'm bothered.
Speaker 2 (23:23):
I'm bothered for you, but I think you just move forward,
but they can't move forward.
Speaker 4 (23:28):
Like with the bachelortte party, she's not you just.
Speaker 1 (23:31):
You need to pay her portion, pay her out, pay
her portion and cut her out.
Speaker 4 (23:35):
Oh well, we've changed pay portion and cut her out.
Speaker 3 (23:38):
Cut her out.
Speaker 1 (23:39):
You're trying to plan the bachelor party. She's not paying,
she's not responding. You got to get the show on
the road. Circus has got to go to town.
Speaker 5 (23:46):
So if she's not responding to you, give her a deadline.
Do you say, Look, if I don't hear from you
by the end of the year, we got to just
plan this without you. And I'm so sorry.
Speaker 2 (23:52):
I like the year, end of the week, whatever, whatever,
like set a timeline when you need it, Like when
you need to know, just say, hey, if I don't
hear from you by next Friday, we have to move forward.
Speaker 4 (24:03):
And I'm just I'm just gonna assume that you're not
able to be.
Speaker 5 (24:06):
That gives her an hour. Yeah, without making her respond,
she can just ignore you and then then you have
every answer you need. By the way, how do you
feel about a bride planning her own bachelorette party? Is
that common?
Speaker 2 (24:19):
Allie? Basically did hers because she like wanted it in
a very specific way, and she I would be like
what about this? And she would go what about this?
And I was a sounding board but she basically.
Speaker 5 (24:31):
So not not that uncommon. That sounds uncommon to me.
Speaker 4 (24:33):
But I don't guess if I would like to plan mine,
you would.
Speaker 3 (24:36):
I think I'm gonna plan mine?
Speaker 5 (24:38):
Really well, why don't you just let them take care
of it?
Speaker 3 (24:41):
Time's a ticket, Mama's got to go. Mama's gotta go for.
Speaker 4 (24:46):
A location and date which week last time we did
the podcast?
Speaker 1 (24:49):
You can figure out a date with all these people around,
So I'm just like, we gotta go.
Speaker 5 (24:55):
I them a date in the city and then Becka
and Paulina plan the whole thing. That's what I think.
You You do well? Let go Not as easy as that.
Why why not for the.
Speaker 3 (25:06):
We have some bumps in the road, do you Yeah?
Speaker 5 (25:10):
I guess we're not going to talk about those bumps.
Speaker 1 (25:12):
What there's just scheduling conflicts for different members of the
bridal different members of.
Speaker 3 (25:16):
The bridal party. So it's like, do I just.
Speaker 1 (25:20):
Go on a weekend where everybody can attend and just
say it's fine if people can't attend.
Speaker 3 (25:25):
You know what I mean?
Speaker 1 (25:25):
Like that's or do I just do it in a
way where it's less aggressive and people can attend.
Speaker 3 (25:32):
Everybody can attend. Does that make sense?
Speaker 5 (25:35):
Yeah?
Speaker 3 (25:36):
Kind of the bump.
Speaker 5 (25:37):
That's the debate right now. Well, just let me know.
I can't wait.
Speaker 2 (25:40):
We're really looking forward to it, regardless of where we
do it, whether.
Speaker 4 (25:45):
Afar or we need to get the ball rolling.
Speaker 3 (25:51):
Yeah, time, time is a ticking.
Speaker 5 (25:53):
Okay, all right, Coming up next, we're going to tell
you how Leylah found us. By the way, I was wrong,
She's not from another country. I was mixing up I
scrub her email. Yeah, but she's the one that we
went back through March and April's guests to figure out
who drew her to us. Okay, well we have an answer,
all right, and it's next.
Speaker 4 (26:26):
All right, we are back.
Speaker 2 (26:28):
I love when people give us updates on things because
we never do. We never come through with updates, but
they always come through for us.
Speaker 5 (26:36):
Lilah wrote to us for our last dear Banya, and
we wondered how she found us. She said she found
scrubbing in back in April. We were like, I wonder
what that was? Why? In April of twenty twenty four.
Did she find scrubbing in with Becca Antonya well? She
wrote us back and Lilah said, thank you so much
for answering my questions on the Dear Bonya to be
continued episode, by the way, a classic, in my opinion,
(26:56):
a classic. I wanted to reach back out to answer
your fellow up for me. I found your podcast episode
with Parvity wow Well. Looking for podcast interviews from the
Traders participants and loved par from both Traders and Survivor.
I love Parv as well. She's great, and I think
that was one of our theories, wasn't it. When we
were running down the possibilities in March and April, I
think we mentioned poverty. I was then drawn back in
(27:18):
with the Chelsea Blackwell interview from Love Is Blind. I
listened to a few more episodes with just Tanya, Beckham,
Mark and Easton, and by April I was hooked Wow Well.
I knew and was more familiar with Becker from the Bachelor.
I was really intrigued by Tany's intentionality and thoughtfulness, and
I absolutely loved the banterler between Tanya and Beca. The
way Mark and Eastern are included was also a big
(27:39):
draw and a dynamic. I love to listen to keep
doing what you're doing. I'm a scrubber for life. PS Tanya.
I like the abbreviated TBC as a sign off as
opposed to to be continued. It's shorter and as the
same rhythm as love yea Baye, which feels short, sweet
and familiar. My two cents TVC Oh.
Speaker 3 (27:59):
My god, I was so cute.
Speaker 4 (28:00):
I was so cute, the cutest ever.
Speaker 5 (28:03):
Thoughts on TBC.
Speaker 3 (28:06):
That'sn't TBC because people that don't know.
Speaker 1 (28:10):
Yeah, so maybe I have to start with to be
continued for a while as I get used to it,
and then switch over to then like tuberculosis.
Speaker 3 (28:20):
I think she's like ABC. She's saying alphabet.
Speaker 5 (28:23):
Taking care of business.
Speaker 4 (28:24):
Yeah, we're still troubleshooting.
Speaker 2 (28:25):
To be continued though, Yeah, TBD, TBDBC.
Speaker 3 (28:34):
I'd glad to have ParvE back on. I love PARV.
Speaker 1 (28:38):
She's got a couple shows that she's been doing. She's
on Dealer and O Deeal Island and then like one
other show she filmed.
Speaker 4 (28:45):
Are you excited about the New Traders coming up?
Speaker 3 (28:47):
Yes? Are you?
Speaker 4 (28:49):
I think so?
Speaker 3 (28:50):
I think so?
Speaker 4 (28:51):
Yeah, Roshelle Wells. I am excited to Seekshelle in Wells.
Speaker 3 (28:57):
Who else Brendy Spears husband, Yeah, I don't know. Home
there also Sam as Rocky.
Speaker 2 (29:05):
I think the new what's the show where they do
like really intense like Army.
Speaker 3 (29:11):
So Fox it's on Foxes.
Speaker 2 (29:14):
That cast is really good, better than Traders.
Speaker 5 (29:18):
Survivors going to be on Traders too?
Speaker 3 (29:21):
Oh my god, it's better and better.
Speaker 5 (29:27):
Wow.
Speaker 3 (29:28):
Yeah, it's a good cast.
Speaker 5 (29:29):
Yeah, I'm still not going to watch that. But oh
Jeremy from.
Speaker 4 (29:32):
Survivor too, wow wow, well he says.
Speaker 5 (29:36):
And Sam's Gowi is his name? I said it wrong.
Speaker 4 (29:39):
Well, anyways, I'm excited about Special.
Speaker 3 (29:43):
Forces too, that comes out next year, right, yeah, I.
Speaker 2 (29:47):
Think a lot of shows come. I think we're in
a dead season for nothing else.
Speaker 3 (29:51):
What comes out the day after Christmas?
Speaker 2 (29:54):
No?
Speaker 5 (29:55):
Really?
Speaker 3 (29:56):
No good Games too?
Speaker 2 (29:59):
Oh yeah, yes, the perfect show to lift your holiday spirits.
Speaker 3 (30:04):
I know it's so weird.
Speaker 1 (30:05):
I thought it was weird timing too, but if you
think about it, like the day after Christmas, like I
feel like a lot of people just yea week.
Speaker 5 (30:12):
Yeah, it's a good That's a big week for Netflix,
I'll bet.
Speaker 3 (30:15):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (30:15):
Did you finish The Housemaid?
Speaker 5 (30:17):
No, but I'm getting closer now. I don't read. I
do read a lot, but not for very much of
the time. Yeah. Wow, Yeah, it's a quick read, but
I like, you know, I'll refly like five minutes tonight. Okay,
but it's very good. Yeah, the Houseman's had a nice
littlewist and it's a good book.
Speaker 4 (30:31):
Yeah, great book.
Speaker 5 (30:32):
Yeah, wait, a book. Read that.
Speaker 3 (30:35):
What am I watching right now? I haven't had much
watch time. I've been watching Shit's Creak again for the
second time.
Speaker 5 (30:42):
What was your what's your weekend watch list going to be? Friday?
Speaker 3 (30:45):
Carry on?
Speaker 5 (30:45):
Carry on? Right?
Speaker 4 (30:47):
Watch that I'm going to watch carry On too.
Speaker 3 (30:48):
Honestly, it's really good.
Speaker 4 (30:49):
I'm excited.
Speaker 1 (30:50):
And then yeah, Shit's Creak it's better the second time around.
Oh my god, it's such a good show.
Speaker 2 (30:58):
Well we'll be back on Monday, Yes we will. So
have no fear, even though the weekend is here.
Speaker 4 (31:05):
We are not far. We're very near, to be clear,
and to be continued.
Speaker 3 (31:12):
No, you gotta keep rhyming.
Speaker 4 (31:13):
I was done.
Speaker 3 (31:15):
Don't did you say fear?
Speaker 4 (31:16):
Yeah? Yeah, my stomach.
Speaker 3 (31:20):
I love you, my dear
Speaker 4 (31:22):
Okay, don't shut it, dear,
Hosts And Creators
Tanya Rad
Rebecca Tilley
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