Anna Kai: Escaping Toxic Relationships, Dating Red Flags and How to Attract a Healed Man

Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Booked a call with a TikTok coach and it went
viral almost immediately, and.

Speaker 2 (00:04):
I was like, this is it. This is what I'm
supposed to be doing.

Speaker 1 (00:12):
Anybody that does something to land themselves in jail for
a month is not somebody you should be dating.

Speaker 3 (00:18):
What does this person from the moment you meet them?
What are they doing to your nervous system?

Speaker 1 (00:23):
Most of the time women can't let go of what
doesn't serve them anymore, and they don't realize if I
just let oh of this, I'm going to create so
much space for what I really want to come into
my life.

Speaker 3 (00:32):
Oh I really want these butterflies and the excitement they
use to dating traumatic men.

Speaker 2 (00:36):
If it's not working out Shift Gears.

Speaker 3 (00:43):
I'm Radi Wukiah and on my podcast a Really Good Cry,
we embrace the messy and the beautiful, providing a space
for raw, unfiltered conversations that celebrate vulnerability and allow you
to tune in to learn, connect and find comfort together.
So I want to know, Wow, you got started and
what brought you to the genie or now.

Speaker 1 (01:05):
I always knew I wanted to do something creative since
I was a very little kid, and I knew I
loved performing and telling stories, and I was a theater kid,
and you know, I think my parents always said, like,
you should allow your children to do what they want
to do, because if they want to do something, it's.

Speaker 2 (01:23):
Very likely that they're good at it.

Speaker 1 (01:25):
And that rang pretty true for me because I was
really terrible at math and science and all the things
that Asian immigrant kids are supposed to be good at.
All of their friends who had come over from China
around the same generation and had children around my age,
they were all getting full scores on their SATs in
eighth grade when they were taking early SAT exams and everything,

(01:47):
and I just I was academically decent, but I was
never a genius when it came to be like reading
and everything like that. So I just kind of real
just like, I'm not into sports, I'm not into math
and sciences. I was actually very good at writing and
I like performing, and so that kind of hits you

(02:08):
at a young age and you kind of realize you
like that. So I went to college always knowing like
I kind of wanted to be a performer, but I
didn't really know what. So I tried out the singer's
songwriter route, for about twenty five seconds, and I realized
I was like, this is not it. I don't have
a great voice, nor can I write amazing songs. So
then I was like, I'm going to be an actress.

(02:31):
And I left NYU with a liberal arts degree with
the intention of giving myself the next eight years to
try making it as an actress. And it was an
incredibly unstable eight years, but you know, I learned a
lot and through that I was also trying to find
a husband, and so there was a lot of instability.

(02:51):
I did a lot of gigwork, a lot of jobs
I didn't want to do. Eventually, I did find my
way into real estate, which was a great kind of
day job because it gave me the flexibil to go
on auditions, but also gave me somewhat of a stable income.
By the time I met my husband, I was on
pretty solid ground in terms of, like my finances, which
was really important, and I honestly think that that gave

(03:13):
me so much confidence in my late twenties to be like,
I would love a man in my life right now,
but I can take care of myself and I can
save money, and I don't need somebody to take care
of me like that. And I think when you feel
confident in yourself and what you have to offer, you
walk into a first date so much more relaxed and

(03:33):
so much more yourself like I would like to have this,
but I don't need this, And I think the timing
was right. And so by the time we got together,
I was in my late twenties, he was in He
was thirty four, and then the pandemic hit and everything
went to utter shit. I was working in real estate
and I was an actress, which are two very non

(03:55):
COVID friendly jobs. And then we moved to Connecticut because
that's where his job was, and you know, we didn't
want him commuting on the train and everything, and so
I kind of had a lonother quarter life crisis at
thirty and I was like, what am I going to do?
Like auditions ground to a halt. I didn't have my
real estate job anymore because we were in a different
place and real estate is very local. So I did

(04:17):
what any practical thirty year old would do. Instead of
getting my real estate license and starting over in a
new state, I was like, I'm.

Speaker 2 (04:23):
Going to start a blog.

Speaker 1 (04:25):
I started a word press of all things in twenty twenty,
when everyone's already getting on TikTok, right, everyone's blowing up
on TikTok. I was just like, I think word press
and Instagram is the way to go. And I started
off trying to do home decorp because I didn't want
to be on camera because I think, to me, I
love design and everything. But it almost felt safer to

(04:49):
me because I was like, I'm not showing my face,
and so it's almost like if it doesn't do well,
it's like my face, and I didn't have to be
as vulnerable. It was just like my designs right. And
then I was like, I can't redecorate my living room
eight thousand times. I have so much respect for home
day core bloggers who just continuously come up with these

(05:10):
magical creations like Lone Fox Home the way he just
like does his house over and over again. He's like,
I found this vintage piece on the back of like
a horse and buggy and Amish country, and I just say,
I'm like, oh my god, that's incredible. And that's just
like a passion and a love for it that I
just didn't have. I was like, okay, so what next.

(05:32):
So then I was like, well, everybody's doing fashion. So
I tried to do fashion for a bit that also
didn't work out, and so I probably should have quit.
Honestly many times. I was two years in basically and
to very little fruition. I think I had like twenty
five hundred followers, about a thousand of those for people
I knew, and I didn't know what was going on,

(05:53):
and so I just.

Speaker 2 (05:55):
Booked a call with a TikTok coach.

Speaker 1 (05:57):
I was like, let's see what I'm doing wrong, right,
and she goes, I think you should start talking to
camera because you have the personality to talk to camera,
Like you should not be doing these fashion reels where
nobody hears you, and why don't you try that?

Speaker 2 (06:09):
Tell a story?

Speaker 1 (06:10):
And I was like, okay, what do I you know,
it's like when you get to a certain age, like
what am I good at? So I was like, I
had a lot of crazy dating experiences and I know
how to do my makeup.

Speaker 2 (06:20):
So I just did that.

Speaker 1 (06:21):
I told a story and it went viral almost immediately,
and I am very quick to change course when I
realized I need to, and I was like, this is it,
this is what I'm supposed to be doing, and it's
just been crazy since it's been two years.

Speaker 2 (06:34):
Two years.

Speaker 3 (06:35):
Props to your parents for being so open to you
doing what you love versus what they might have expected
you to do. So that's actually quite I feel like,
especially in Asian communities, South Asian and I'm sure your community.

Speaker 2 (06:48):
There is where we are from the same.

Speaker 3 (06:49):
Yeah, it's like, really, arts, is that really what you
want to do? Like anything creative is kind of like hmm,
But that's so wonderful that they really encouraged you in that,
and that makes such a difference.

Speaker 2 (07:01):
They always supported me. I think they were very worried
by the way they want like, oh yeah, it'll be fine.

Speaker 3 (07:06):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (07:06):
They were like this is not great, especially in your
early twenties, mid twenties.

Speaker 2 (07:10):
You she'll figure it out.

Speaker 1 (07:12):
My dad was like I always just assumed you would
hit thirty and if it didn't work out, you would
just go get a sales job.

Speaker 2 (07:17):
Everybody was always like, go get a job in sales.

Speaker 1 (07:19):
I'm like, because you like to talk, right, I was
like selling what, Like, there's nothing that I'm that passionate
about in terms of like somebody told me to be
like go into pharma sales. I was like that's so boring,
you know, so you know it's but they were very nervous.
I think they just realized I was also so stubborn
that I was.

Speaker 2 (07:37):
Never going to do it anyway.

Speaker 1 (07:38):
Yeah, so it obviously worked out, but it was a
long It was a long journey together. I was thirty
two before I made a dime off of social media
and being a creative. And so it's like, I think
when people get discouraged because it's not happening, it's like,
don't quit before you get there. Like if magine, if
i'd quit a year before I went viral, that would
have been the final stop.

Speaker 3 (08:00):
But's so good that you're so aware of when you
need to change course and that you still have the
motivation to keep doing that, like looking back and reflecting
what was it that allowed you to keep changing course
and still having belief in what you were doing, Because,
like you said, most people would quit. What stopped you
from quitting?

Speaker 1 (08:18):
Not having another choice is actually really good because I
honestly think that sometimes when you have a backup plan,
you just fall back on that backup.

Speaker 3 (08:27):
Plan feel safer.

Speaker 2 (08:28):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (08:29):
So I'm not saying be fiscally irresponsible. I'm just saying
that you know, don't have a comfortable job that you
can live with but you don't love as a backup plan,
because if it's not working out and what you love,
oftentimes you will just fall back and stay there. I
think the other thing too, is that I saw my
parents come to this country and make it from impossible circumstances,

(08:54):
and I always had that in the back of my
mind that if they could make it here with far
less resources than I had and far less support.

Speaker 2 (09:02):
Then it was going to be okay.

Speaker 1 (09:03):
That whatever I was going to do was not ever
going to be as catastrophic as what they would have
endured if they had lost in their life. And for
me it was also like, I think the biggest thing too,
for anybody who's a creative or anybody who's an entrepreneur
or has a crazy idea that doesn't fit convention, the
biggest thing you have to lose is actually your ego

(09:25):
and your pride. Yeah, that is the toughest thing to
have to swallow. It's not so much the fact it's
like time spent on creating content or whatever. It's time
spent on creating content and putting it out into the
world and not having it do well and knowing that
maybe the people in your life are.

Speaker 3 (09:42):
Like, ooh, you know exactly exactly, and everybody experiences that
in the beginning.

Speaker 1 (09:48):
Everybody experiences that shame and just you know, I had
plenty of situations for that first two years.

Speaker 2 (09:53):
People would ask me what I'm doing, and.

Speaker 1 (09:55):
I remember thinking, oh, it would be so much easier
if I was just a housewife, Like that would make
sense to people because I have something to say, yeah, like, oh.

Speaker 2 (10:08):
I've I've stopped working.

Speaker 1 (10:10):
I've had children, and my husband works, and you know,
we were lucky enough in the sense that he worked
and could support our family. But I was like, that's
just not the life I want. And so I would
go out and hang out at these parties with people
we knew, and they'd be like, what are you doing
now that you've moved to Connecticut.

Speaker 2 (10:28):
I'm like, I'm blogging and you just see that, you know.

Speaker 3 (10:32):
Oh wow, that is amazing blog.

Speaker 1 (10:36):
About I'm like it is just like then the word vomit,
you know, the scramble comes out.

Speaker 2 (10:41):
And so I'm not saying I didn't feel the shame.
It's just that at some.

Speaker 1 (10:44):
Point I knew that I was afraid of shame and
afraid of not being successful and what I wanted to do.
But I would be more afraid of the regret I
would feel if I didn't do it exactly. So it's
all about more what do you fear more? I think
a lot of people are like, oh, how are you

(11:04):
so confident? And like how did you have like how
did you get rid of all that self doubt?

Speaker 2 (11:09):
I have self doubt.

Speaker 1 (11:10):
Every day and day every moment, you know, even here now.
It's like you think you make it to a certain point, right.
I never thought I would have a million followers on
any platform combined anything.

Speaker 2 (11:20):
I was just hoping for ten thousand.

Speaker 3 (11:22):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (11:22):
Yeah, that's what was my base.

Speaker 1 (11:25):
And you think, oh, if I ever made it there,
I would just be happy forever.

Speaker 2 (11:30):
I would feel calm forever.

Speaker 1 (11:31):
I mean, you never thought you would be here, right,
And it's not ten years ago you had told twenty
four year Oldrana you'd be here. You'd be like, I
would never have a bad day in my life, right,
But like you told me yesterday, you cry almost every week.

Speaker 3 (11:46):
Yeah that is fair, right.

Speaker 1 (11:48):
And it's not just sound ungrateful because obviously we have
attained a certain level of discomfort that we didn't experience
a long time ago. But it's like it is just
to say that everybody struggles and just because you've you know,
the goalpost keeps.

Speaker 3 (12:03):
Moving definitely, And I think it's just testament too. And
I think the confidence also comes by the way, as
knows happen in your life, the fact that you keep
getting up, that actually builds confidence. It's not necessarily other
people what they're saying to you. It's not the same
people that asked what you were doing three years ago
and you're feeling uncomfortable with them saying, Wow, what you're
doing now is amazing. That actually doesn't real confidence. What

(12:25):
builds confidence is when things don't go right, how you
then react to them, and then you keep going and
going and going. And I find the process and actually
being active is what builds confidence rather than just sitting
back and giving up. And so I think that's basically
what you've done, which is incredible.

Speaker 1 (12:42):
Thank you, and I've tried, and you know, there's to
that point, there's a really inspirational quote from Muhammad Ali
that I'm going to completely mess up, but he had
just lost a big fight or something. And I always
remember this because I don't know. Boxing is just like
you know, you win or you lose. It's such a
high stakes game. You're getting punch for a living. And
he had just lost a big fight and he was

(13:03):
just basically saying, you know, it's important for my fans
to see me lose because they will also lose in
their life, and it's important for them to see how
I handle loss and how I come back from it.
And then he would go on to win the next
couple of fights. But it's like I always remember that.

Speaker 3 (13:18):
It's like, oh gracious, yeah.

Speaker 2 (13:21):
Exactly, and sometimes not graciously.

Speaker 1 (13:24):
I'm like, I'm not gracious a lot of the time,
but figuring out how to get back up. I think
your character is really what you do when things are
not going well for you.

Speaker 2 (13:34):
It's so easy to be a great person.

Speaker 1 (13:36):
And emanate kindness and love when you know everything's going
your way, But when things aren't going your way, who
are you?

Speaker 2 (13:43):
And that's who you are?

Speaker 3 (13:45):
Yeah, I want to switch gears a little bit because
I need to know some horrific dating stories that have
happened to you that have inspired you know who? I
love hearing about Chad all the Chads, well, whoever's called
Chad in the world is now got you to thanks
for their popularity, because I'm not saying they've got a
good name, but they're definitely popular now because of you.

Speaker 2 (14:06):
I feel very badly for all the good chats out there.

Speaker 1 (14:09):
I apologize, not in advance, because the damage is done,
but I apologize. I think my dating stories are not
dissimilar to most women's dating stories in their twenties in
any major city. I just think because I dated so
many people, I maybe had more experiences to draw from,
and that was purely because I just couldn't find a

(14:31):
guy to align with that maybe I really wanted to
be with a guy and he didn't really want to
be with me or couldn't be with me for several reasons,
and maybe he wanted to be with me the next guy,
but I didn't know if I wanted to be with him,
and there was a lot of exploration, and I don't
think I was ready for the marriage and the relationship
that I thought I was in my early twenties. But

(14:52):
I think I was very attracted to traumatize people in
my early twenties. I'll tell you a story. So when
I was I think twenty three, right, out of college.
Tinder had just come on the market and dating aps
were really popular, and I went on a date with
a guy who was almost a decade older than me.
I think he was like I was twenty three, he

(15:12):
was thirty two. Yea, and that was my age range.
I said anything within ten years, I'll do anything beyond that.
I was like, eh, I think, is.

Speaker 3 (15:20):
That when you really started thinking about dating someone for
long term?

Speaker 2 (15:23):
Oh, I was always pretty.

Speaker 1 (15:24):
When he was the girl in high school that I
was like, it'd be great if I just found my husband. Now,
I've never been casual, so I knew I was always
looking for my husband. I go on a date with
this guy. He's great on paper, really good looking, quite charming,
and then pretty early into the date, maybe half an
hour in, he tells me that he's been to jail before.
And he's not saying it in a way that like

(15:46):
he's ashamed of it. He's almost kind of like bragging
because on paper he's so clean cut, he's a finance
bro and he's and I was like very intrigued because
obviously that's not what I was expecting. And you knew
that that it's like kind of almost a source of
pride for him and that should have been a red
flag to me, like, maybe don't.

Speaker 2 (16:06):
And because then I.

Speaker 1 (16:07):
Asked him, I was like, what were you in jail for?
And it was actually not anything crazy. It was marijuana
was very, very heavily policed fifteen years ago. So he
was on his college campus and he got caught.

Speaker 3 (16:18):
That was his bad boycott.

Speaker 2 (16:19):
That was his bad boycott.

Speaker 3 (16:20):
I'm in finance, but I know.

Speaker 1 (16:23):
He was like, I'm trying to be different, right, And
I was like, oh, like, maybe don't date a man
who needs to lead with his you know, prison rectory.

Speaker 2 (16:31):
I was like, does your So it.

Speaker 1 (16:32):
Was really interesting because it was like does your company
know that? So then it got worse too, because okay,
so I had an auntie be like, why are you
dating this man? So he was like yeah, So I
got arrested for having weed on me and whatever, went
to court. They put me on probation. They were like, okay,
just whatever, do community service, all of that. Just don't

(16:53):
get into trouble for the next three months. And then
he was like, but then I got into a bar
fight outside of my front house within that probation period.
The cops came and then they saw that I was
already in probation and then I got thrown into jail
for a month. That's not an insignificant amount of time.
It was like he was in a holding cell for twenty.

Speaker 2 (17:11):
Four hours, right exactly.

Speaker 1 (17:13):
So my you know, friend's mom, who was like a
second mom to me, was like, anybody that does something
to land themselves in jail for a month.

Speaker 2 (17:23):
Is not somebody you should be dating.

Speaker 1 (17:24):
She's like, I don't care that it was technically weed
and technically because he like punched somebody, It's like, don't
date men that get into bar fights, Like that's just it, right,
But there was something intriguing about that because I don't know.
I guess I just didn't like healthy men.

Speaker 3 (17:40):
What did you learn about like from when you started
dating in that time, so maybe in the last decade
of dating before you found your husband, What did you
learn about yourself in that dating experience of what you
were looking for? And two, how did you change? Because
let me tell you, so many of my friends and
like i'd say, most of the women that I know,

(18:01):
have this experience of going for men that are either
emotionally unstable, erratic in their emotions, possessive, you know, all
the kind of red flags that would come up, but
being okay with them because oh, you know what, they've
got good heart, or oh they're a little bit exciting. Yeah,
so how did you go? But they're struggling now to

(18:22):
find the man that they really want to settle down
with because they've got in the habit of wanting that.
So how did you get out of that? And what
was the shift for you on really realizing that that's
not what you wanted.

Speaker 1 (18:34):
I think for me, what I really realized that I
was looking to save a man so that I wouldn't
have to save myself. I was hoping that if I
saved my boyfriend, he would then in turn save me,
and then I wouldn't have to face whatever it was
I was avoiding. And I think a lot of women
do that because it's so much easier to focus on
somebody else up than it is to focus.

Speaker 2 (18:55):
On your problems.

Speaker 1 (18:58):
And it was only when I'm I met my husband
was I really able to just hear the voices inside
my head. Fully, I always knew that I'd struggled with
mental health, but not to the degree that I realized
it once I met my husband. Because Dave was like,
I don't need you to fix me. I got my
own stuff, you know, but you're you know, we're good.

(19:19):
I am working on me. You do you And for
the first time in a decade, it was silent, and
I didn't love what I hear.

Speaker 3 (19:27):
So I think that's the number one question, honestly that
most people have, is like how do you go from
a bad boy like wanting to be with a bad guy,
but I wouldn't say bad guy. Yeah, it's like a
bad boy too, wanting a real man, well, like a
good a good human that's actually going to treat you well,
versus wanting to fix somebody. And I think as women,
a lot of people fixed. A lot of women are fixes.

Speaker 1 (19:48):
They're fixers because we've been taught that that's almost how
we're going to get them, like that's our value, you know,
we're nurturing, Like, oh, if you take care of them,
eventually they'll take care of you. And that's not always
the case at all. So that's something I had to unlearned.
But I kind of realized that through the process of
dating all these guys, I was like, I'm never going
to find what I want, which is stability, and I

(20:09):
don't think you have to sacrifice excitement for a good man.
I think that's the thing. It's like social media makes yeah,
social media make things very black and white, and they're
always like, oh, you can go for the nerdy, good
stable man, or you can go for the tortured ht
or whatever guy who doesn't really want It's like, guys,
there's yes, those men exist, but there's a whole range

(20:32):
of men who are attractive who want to do really
exciting things with you. And like, also, it's like, define
excitement right. For me, excitement in my twenties was just
not quite knowing where everything stood. And you know, he's
spontaneous and would you know, be like, let's just go
to Miami or something for the weekend. And like, for me,
excitement now And what I learned in my late twenties

(20:54):
is like excitement is a man who has a goal
that he wants to achieve in a vision and you know,
our lives are so crazy.

Speaker 2 (21:02):
Like he travels for work. I travel for work.

Speaker 1 (21:03):
It's usually on short notice and that's exciting. But actually
what I crave now at thirty four is not excitement.
I crave peace. And when we come home at the
end of the day. It's not like, all right, now,
let's go plan the next adventure. It's like we had
our individual adventures at work, and we are a safe space.

Speaker 3 (21:20):
I find. So I have friends that are guys who
are in their thirties looking for a partner, and then
women who are in their thirties looking for a man.
And some of the men are still trying to like
they may have been bad boys when they were younger,
and they think that the same thing is going to
work for adult women now, And I'm like, you can't
be what women were looking for when they were twenty

(21:41):
Like looking after yourself now, getting therapy do one thing
that is what's sexy right now to women at the
age that you're right right now in your thirties. If
you're a man who is trying to look after himself physically, mental,
and emotionally, that is attractive, right And at the same time,
some of my girlfriends who were who are like, oh,
I really want this, these butterflies and the excitement. They're

(22:02):
used to dating traumatic men, and so for them, when
you find a guy who's emotionally stable, they're like, this
is so boring, and I'm like, no, it's not boring
peace you it's peace, and you are confusing the two.
And so she'll be like, but I don't get these
butterflies when I'm with them. I'm like, those butterflies was anxiety. Yeah,
it was pure anxiety.

Speaker 2 (22:19):
Trauma. That is true trauma talking to you, right.

Speaker 3 (22:23):
And they're really self sabotaging in that because they are
completely expecting this, like, oh, is he going to message me?
Is he not going to message me? Is he going
to disappear for two days? Is he not? And I'm like,
you're looking, you're looking for somebody who's gonna be able
to take care of you, but you're you're you're looking
for it in a guy who's not ready.

Speaker 2 (22:39):
To give it to you exactly.

Speaker 3 (22:40):
And it is like it's so difficult to go through
that and realize that. And also you're right, when you're
in your twenties, by the way, your hormones are different,
your hormones are raging. Everything is just different. You feel
excitement in different ways. So she's now like my one
particular friend, she's gonna listen to this and be like
I felt targeted, Well, I am targeting you with love
with love with But she really keeps saying, She's like,

(23:02):
but I don't. I don't feel how I did when
I first met this person at this age, and I'm like,
of course you're not going to. Of course you're not
going to. When we were teenagers, everything was so different,
or in our twenties, it was so different. And so
I think it's so important what you said earlier to
heal before you're looking for somebody, because otherwise you put
all your trauma into that person, you put all your

(23:23):
expectations into that person, and you still feel a little
bit empty because you haven't filled yourself up before you're
coming to that relationship. And also sometimes I think that
I also went through a similar experience, and so for me,
I think, instead of thinking what can I gain from
that person, let me think about what am I serving
to that person? Like what am I providing in this relationship?

(23:44):
Not looking for the things that I that I want
in my life, but what am I bringing to the
table before thinking about what that person is going to
be pouring into me. I'm so sorry. Can you hear
my summerchea? You hear it in the audio? Everybody, I'm really.

Speaker 2 (23:56):
Sorry, It's actually so cute.

Speaker 3 (23:59):
I'm really trying to I slip on water. I actually
didn't have my shape this morning off my workout. So
just letting you all know that if you hear rumbling sounds,
it's not Anna, it's me. Okay.

Speaker 2 (24:09):
It was very cute. It was a very cute rumbling sound.

Speaker 3 (24:13):
When you first met your husband, How did you know
that this was different.

Speaker 1 (24:18):
I did not believe in love at first site anymore
at that point, because I'd fallen in love so many
times at first sight that had proven to be not
you know, not to say it wasn't real love, but
everlasting love. So by the time I met him, I
was like, let's just see how this goes. Yeah, And
I don't think it's a bad thing to be jaded.

(24:38):
So I went in a little bit jaded but open minded,
and I immediately felt comfortable with him. So I believe
in comfort at first sight. And I just felt so
at home, like I couldn't say anything wrong and I
didn't have to think about the next thing. You know,
some dates you're like, oh, this man's great and he's attractive,
but you're kind of searching for the next thing to say.

(24:59):
It was just a very org again a conversation, and
I just remember seeing him and thinking he was just
so kind, like you know, you know, he had a
kind face.

Speaker 2 (25:07):
I don't know if in Indian culture there's like this expression.

Speaker 1 (25:11):
I know in Chinese culture there is, and there's not
anything directly translated into English. But some people you can
just tell like they're kind because they just look kind.
And some people are quite manipulative, and they look manipulative,
I don't know, and it's like he just looks kind
and he is kind, and I just there was no
ulterior motive with him, you know, because you could be

(25:33):
I had met a lot of guys in New York
who were very attractive, but you can always tell they
were just a little schemey maybe, you know, always kind
of figuring out the next move and you know, making
it too much of a game almost. And my husband
was just always very upfront with me from the beginning.
He never let me question and it was easy. So
I knew pretty quickly that this was different.

Speaker 3 (25:55):
Yeah, it's so true. What does this person do to
your nervous system? Yes, like that's really what does this
person from the moment you meet them, from that first
date to the second date, to the third date, to
the month after like what are they doing to your
nervous system? And I think that's a really good You
know a lot of the time with it for butterflies
or you're looking for excitement usually comes in the mind

(26:16):
where you just want to be stimulated, But like, what
are they doing to your nerves? How do they make
you feel? Do they make you feel comforted and safe?
And I think safety is a big thing. You can
be financially safe, that's one thing, But how do they
make you feel safe emotionally and in the times that
you would expect them to like either run or get rude,

(26:37):
even in the times where you're horrible to them? How
do they react right when you are not your kindest exactly?
Do they try and make you feel bad for it?
Do they try and react in a worse way than
you are, or do they try and settle your nerves?
And I think that's something that we're not used to
seeing as like a bar of a relationship, of like
a barometer of it.

Speaker 1 (26:56):
Yeah, And I think it's always like and I blame
Hollywood for that, arnt. Yes, I blame the fact that
we were raised on these very compelling love stories that
actually were really unhealthy depictions of Love.

Speaker 2 (27:12):
You know, it's like The Notebook. I was just about
to say that, Okay, can we just talk about I love?

Speaker 3 (27:16):
Can we talk about it? No? I love The Notebook.
It is my plain film. But every time I watch it,
I'm like.

Speaker 1 (27:22):
She left Lawn, who was just like amazing, like and
she's like, I'm gonna go back to this guy that
I fought with every single week while we were together.

Speaker 3 (27:32):
Are you always rooting for them? You're watching you? You
can't every time. I want to not be rooting for them,
But I'm rooting for them every single time I'm watching it.

Speaker 2 (27:39):
Oh my god, You're always rooting.

Speaker 1 (27:41):
And that's the problem is that I think I love
that movie as a kid growing up, and we see
that played out over and over again with all these
different rom coms that we had in the late nineties
early two thousands. It's the concept of the manic pixie
dream girl where somebody talks about this in a very
eloquent way that I'm gonna butcher. But there is this
stuff he done on like how women back in the

(28:02):
late nineties early two thousands were just very ancillary characters
to the men, right stories, So did you ever see Elizabeth.

Speaker 2 (28:09):
Town with Orlando Bloom.

Speaker 1 (28:10):
Actually, okay, so I don't know, Like, you know, the
Notebook is like a classic that I think kind of
hit worldwide. Elizabeth's Town did very well in the US.
I don't know if it made it over to the UK,
but you should and in it Orlando Bloom obviously very attractive.
So that was intentional, right, yeah, yeah, I've seen.

Speaker 2 (28:31):
Better, right, So he I guess it's like this really tortured.

Speaker 1 (28:35):
Guy and his dad dies and he has to travel
home to the dad's funeral and he meets Kirsten Dunce
along the way, and like he's all like brooding and like,
you know, kind of a grouch, and she's just like
this happy, kind of fairy girl in his life and.

Speaker 2 (28:52):
She's like, don't worry, it'll be fine, you know, I'll
I'll take care of it. I'll be happy whatever.

Speaker 1 (28:57):
And eventually like she brings him out of his shell
and she like she makes him realize that life is
worth living again, which is great, but that's the kind
of media I was digesting as a child, so I
was like, oh, I need to be that savior, that savior.

Speaker 3 (29:11):
I grew up thinking the same thing. Yeah, and I
ended up like even on dates and whatever, I would
end up wanting to find someone that I could fix
or save because I felt like that was my role
in the relationship. And then I met Jay and it
was like, wait, what is my role? Because he does
not need fixing, he's very fixed.

Speaker 2 (29:29):
And then you're like, oh shit, it's me.

Speaker 3 (29:32):
Yeah, And then it's like there's nothing for me to save,
like he's really good at saving himself, and I'm like,
so what do I do in this? And so so
much of my trauma would come out in our relationship
where I was wanting to be very independent and showing
him that I could do everything by myself because I
don't want to be saved because I'm not a damsel
in distress. But at the same time, I would be like, Okay,
I'll just i'll cook for you and i'll do this

(29:53):
fore you and I'll do this few and it's like
he's not wanting or expecting that. He's like very self
sufficient and so really all he wanted was love, and
I was like, wait, I'm really not used to this
that what does that mean? Like how do I navigate this?
And so it's definitely a shift in mindset and dynamic
when you find someone who has done the work and
is ready for a partner to give two versus waiting

(30:16):
for a partner to look after them exactly.

Speaker 1 (30:19):
But I think a lot of men were also raised
to think that, oh, I'll find a wife, go from.

Speaker 2 (30:23):
My mum to my wife exactly.

Speaker 3 (30:25):
Yeah, and that we call the mummy boys.

Speaker 2 (30:27):
Yeah, there we go.

Speaker 3 (30:29):
Okay, have you found like in all the I'm sure
you get so many dms, so many dms from so
many women. What do you find women are struggling with
the most right now? Like in your community of women
who are dating one What do you think is going
on with men right now? And why people struggling so
much to figure out who to be with and find someone.

Speaker 1 (30:50):
I do think to an extent that people are not
struggling maybe as much as we think they are. They've
always just been struggling, right, It's just always been difficult. Yeah,
I mean, think about Sex and the City. When did
that first episode air? The reason why that show is
so iconic is because if you watch it again, it's
exactly the same stuff that everybody is going through now.

(31:12):
It's just we're so much more aware of the struggle
now because of social media, so but it's always been there.

Speaker 2 (31:18):
Big is the chad in all of our lives. So
I think, you know, I think it almost And I.

Speaker 1 (31:25):
Don't mean to say this in a diminishing way because
I know some people are going to be like, oh
my god, it is so much worse, Like you know,
you're married now, how dare you know? But here's the
thing is is that, like, if you tell yourself it's
so much harder now, it's so much harder than it
was for my parents or whatever, you're going to start
acting in ways I kind of prove that and validate that.
Like I don't really believe we're preordained for anything. I think,

(31:47):
you know, our lives kind of have a path, and
we can kind of choose our path. And if you're
telling yourself that it's so hard that it's impossible, you'll
kind of.

Speaker 3 (31:56):
Do things that impossible path for yourself exactly.

Speaker 1 (31:59):
This is why I don't like, you know, a lot
of my girlfriends go to psychics and mediums and.

Speaker 3 (32:06):
Say my friends to some of the friends I was
just talking about, Yeah.

Speaker 1 (32:10):
Some of them, I will say, are shockingly accurate, to
the point where I'm like, there is I believe in God.
I believe in something out there, and when I hear
people like that, I'm like, there's something you have that
the rest of us don't.

Speaker 2 (32:23):
But I don't.

Speaker 1 (32:23):
Necessarily, I've never really wanted to go to a psychic
to figure out when am I going to get married?
Like when's my job going to happen? Because I don't
want to start living my life as if something is inevitable.
So I think, again, don't like find a solution before
you know even what the problem is?

Speaker 3 (32:41):
Yes, yeah, I think the problem with psychics now is
that you end up putting or just generally, you end
up putting so much weight on that and then when
it doesn't happen, you just feel like it's doomed and
then it's not possible. And so I have found friends
that have heard it. It's happened and it's been great.

(33:02):
But I do think sometimes when you get into desperation,
you just end up holding onto every single word and
every single thing that that person has said, and then
it can really lead to more disappointment than you were
destined for in your life. You end up feeling way
more disappointed than you would have had things just not
happen naturally exactly.

Speaker 1 (33:20):
And what if a psychic tells you you're going to
be alone forever? Yeah, and then you just live the
rest of your life thinking that, and you go through
life assuming that, and then they're wrong. Well, you just
spent whatever the four years between when you listen to
that psychic and when you met your husband, just feeling
like it wasn't going to happen for you.

Speaker 3 (33:39):
Have any of the chads reached out to you since
you started making it?

Speaker 1 (33:42):
No, and I had an interesting habit, not intentionally. I
think everybody is a type, right. That's why they say
when you get divorced, you're so much more likely to
get divorced again, because so many people think that the
second person they're marrying is different from the first person,
but they just find a different version of.

Speaker 2 (33:57):
The first person.

Speaker 1 (33:59):
Oh god, yeah, because everybody has something that they're attracted to, right.

Speaker 2 (34:02):
My type has historically always.

Speaker 1 (34:04):
Been men who may have been my age but were
allergic to social media and who are really old souls
is maybe just kind of like an overused word, but
like they were eighty five year old men at heart,
so it didn't matter. Like my high school boyfriend, who
is my exact age never had an Instagram, which is
very strange for somebody.

Speaker 2 (34:22):
Who's thirty four.

Speaker 1 (34:22):
I mean, like we grew up with Instagram, So I
never dated any men who were active on social media.
So my feeling is that the majority of them do
not know that I have this career because we live
in a microcosm, even though it feels like our entire world.
And think about how many creators out there that have
massive followings and everything, but like, if you're not on

(34:44):
their algorithm, you're not going to see it. Yeah, if
you're a forty five year old man with a family
who checks Facebook once a year, you probably don't know.

Speaker 3 (34:54):
And you married someone outside of your culture, how has
that dynamic been for you? Did you ever date men
that were part of your culture or have you always
kind of not really been attracted to that.

Speaker 1 (35:05):
I've dated men within my culture and look to a
certain extent.

Speaker 2 (35:08):
I'm not gonna lie. It's easier.

Speaker 1 (35:10):
It is easier because my parents are Chinese immigrants, and
I did date a man who not only was Chinese
but spoke their dialect. They're sharing Chinese, and that was
really special for me when it happened because my parents
are very fluent in English, but they still have accents
and they're not nearly as comfortable in English as they
are in Chinese. But then when they're around their Chinese friends,

(35:32):
they just kind of come alive. And so for the
first time, it was like really cool to see my mom,
especially just be able to interact with a boyfriend that
she had not been able to interact with previous boyfriends
because she's just felt so comfortable in her language. That
being said, you know, you can't just marry somebody because
your culture is aligne And that was a struggle for

(35:52):
me because I think I would date a lot of
American men who did not have an immigrant background. And
what I didn't realize that a lot of the time
it didn't work out is because I'm actually very Chinese nice.
I have a lot of traditional Chinese values, and it
really took Dave to kind of even reinforce that in me.
I don't think I even knew. And yes, he's white,

(36:15):
he's from Boston. He is just American, but we always
call him like an egg white on the outside, yell
on the inside, some amalgamation of his personalities because of his.

Speaker 2 (36:27):
Mom and dad's jeans.

Speaker 1 (36:29):
He like just came out sort of like my parents.
Like he's more Chinese than some Chinese people we know,
like and I mean in ways like how he looks
at money, like what he values in life, Like he's
very frugal. He's a saver, which is not very American,
like America's built on debt culture. He lives well below

(36:49):
his means. He lived in the same apartment for nine
years in New York City. It was a rent stabilized apartment.
It was awful. And when I started dating him, you know,
you don't know how much somebody makes. I knew he
had a good job and a good career and he
was driven, but you know, you only have their apartment
to look exactly. And I was like, oh, he's probably
doing okay, but he's probably not doing great, which is fine.
And I was like, you know, And then when we

(37:11):
finally got serious enough where we started talking about finances
and everything, I was like.

Speaker 2 (37:15):
You make that? What are you doing?

Speaker 1 (37:18):
I was like, why haven't you upgraded? He was like,
I'm fine here, I don't need more.

Speaker 2 (37:22):
This works.

Speaker 1 (37:23):
I was like, your ceiling crumbles every time you shut
the door. There's a piece of plaster on his ceiling
over his couch that was loose, and every time you
shut the front door would crumble a little, so before
you sat down you would have to get the dustbuster
out and vacuum it up. His toilet handle you have
to hold down for five seconds before it fully flushes,

(37:44):
and he was like whatever, it worked for me. Yeah,
he was happy. So he needs very little and he
really works. You know, obviously we work for money, but
we also work for a sense of fulfillment. And he
just really understands my parents in an intrinsic way that
I never thought would be possible. So that is really

(38:04):
awesome and I never thought i'd have that, but I'm
glad I do.

Speaker 3 (38:08):
Yeah, I am. We have in my family two white
Englishmen that married into the family into a very Indian family,
and let me tell you, they are more Indian than
some of our other like the other son in laws
that came into the family, and they love Indian food
and all the parents love them and they integrated into

(38:28):
the culture so beautifully that you wouldn't even realize they
know all the foods that they love. They love in
new food more than some more than my cousin sisters.

Speaker 2 (38:36):
Like they're like, we want to cheeseburgers.

Speaker 3 (38:38):
They're like, no, exactly, And so I, you know, I
grew up thinking the same thing, that you marry in
your culture, like it's just normal to think that. You've
seen people, you've seen your parents do it. And then
when I started seeing my cousins stay outside of that,
and I was like, wow, it is so much more
about values. And you know, in my culture, there's still
such a tradition of you only marry in your culture,

(38:59):
no matter what fason it's bad.

Speaker 1 (39:01):
That's more true in Indian culture than Chinese culture. Chinese people,
at least at this stage, don't really care, but Indian
culture is very very.

Speaker 3 (39:09):
Some parts are still very strict. And even if the
guy is not that great, and even it's fine, even
if there's a guy that's who's best, he's a man,
he's a man, he's part of the culture. You're going
to marry him. And unfortunately that, you know, causes a
lot of issues. And I think it's getting better slowly,

(39:29):
but it's taken a lot to improve that. But when
I've seen them come into the family, I'm like, wow,
you really saw how possible it is to have such
a beautiful multicultural relationship. And family and respect and honor
each other's values and traditions and become part of one
another's And like, how amazing that you get to celebrate
both cultures, Like instead of celebrating one, you get to

(39:50):
celebrate both exactly. And I think that's actually such a
You end up becoming so much more aware of each
other and respectful of each other just by honoring each
other's traditions.

Speaker 1 (40:01):
And you get the best of both worlds. Truly, I
think about it in a simplistic way. The food my
mom makes amazing homemade noodles and lo maine, well, my
mother in law makes amazing pesto.

Speaker 2 (40:13):
I still haven't gotten right, and I never had pesto
growing up.

Speaker 3 (40:16):
You know, no, I completely agree. I think that's so
important for people to also hear. And also, your parents
are not dating the man and so and not spending
the rest of their life with the man, so as
much as they may think they know what's best for you,
I think there has to be you know, I'm always
going to be a baby to my mum, and I
understand that, But at the same time, you are going

(40:36):
to have to spend the rest of your life with
that person. And I think it is a fact. Of course,
it is a family thing. Like, look, in your culture,
your husband is part of your family. But to a
certain extent, you can only let your family, haven't put
to a certain extent to the man you're gonna end
up marrying.

Speaker 1 (40:52):
And my parents have always been very good at that,
to the extent that they've always said, do not think
about us, focus on your relationship. Never let in lav
realelationships get in the way of your marriage, because when
you get married, which I said to them, like, I
don't consider this to be true, but they're like, when
you get married, like, that's your nuclear family now, like
we're secondary. It's like, no, you're not. I'm like, you

(41:12):
are still my nuclear family. Calmed the down, I said
the same thing.

Speaker 3 (41:16):
I was like, what do you mean that's not true?

Speaker 2 (41:18):
Yeah?

Speaker 1 (41:18):
I like, hell, now, you know, I understand what they mean.
And I think a lot of parents aren't like that.
They're like, oh, you're married now, well, like you still like,
I'm I gave life to you, so you need to
consider me first.

Speaker 2 (41:28):
And it causes a lot of issues for.

Speaker 3 (41:30):
People, yes, and ano of it just comes from ego.
I think if you just end up trying to, you're
constantly thinking about how you can make the other person's
life better rather than how they can. Even even in
family relationships, right, It's like, if my mum always wants
to make my life easier, so she's going to be
as nice as she can to my in laws and
as nice as you can to my husband, and I
mean they will get along really well. But if you
have that mentality of how can we actually keep this

(41:51):
family together and make it the best that it can
be versus how can I put my foot down and
have it my way, It's it's always going to be better.

Speaker 1 (41:59):
But I think that it's also so Asian culture in
general is much more multi generational, you know, Okay, I've
told my husband from the beginning, I was like, if
my parents ever get to a point one day where
they're unable to live on their own, I'm never putting
them in a nursing home. They're moving in with us.
We will figure it out, right, And he's okay with that,
which is very different than American culture, where obviously, like

(42:20):
assisted living is very much a thing here and it's
not a shame to put your parents into assisted living.
And I'm not saying that you should feel badly for
doing that. I'm just saying like, those are two very
different cultures and neither is right or wrong. But I
think because Asian culture is so multi generational, there's this
kind of collective well being that we're all funneling our

(42:40):
efforts towards where I think American culture, like strict American
culture is just much more individualistic, and there's pros and
cons to each. But it feels like, at least like
with you know, a lot of the men that I
was dating, they were they had nice relationships with their family,
but it was distant that it was like, oh, you know,

(43:01):
well I call home once a month at most, and
we might see them at the holidays, or you know,
if I feel like going to Bali over Thanksgiving.

Speaker 2 (43:09):
I'll just do that instead.

Speaker 3 (43:10):
You know.

Speaker 1 (43:11):
I was like, what, yeah, yeah, so that's what I
couldn't really get over. I needed somebody who was more
family oriented, who understood why I needed to see my
parents all the time as a fully formed adult.

Speaker 3 (43:22):
Yeah, exactly. I need you to know I'm going to
be calling my mom three times a day minimum, exactly,
and there will be not much conversation happening, but we
will be talking.

Speaker 1 (43:30):
Sometimes just FaceTime is like literally propped up on my
computer and like nobody's talking, but it's like it's the togetherness.

Speaker 3 (43:36):
Yeah, exactly, it is. Okay, So now you're married, having
been married.

Speaker 1 (43:41):
For we've been married for a little over two years.
We got married in September tenth of twenty twenty two.

Speaker 3 (43:47):
Okay, And what are some of the things that were
surprises once you got married? Were there any? And also
what's been difficult? Like what have you what have you
had to navigate that you weren't can give it a
bad day?

Speaker 1 (44:01):
There were no surprises because I will say the fact
that we were together for four years prior to getting married.
Marriage doesn't really change much if it's a piece of paper, right,
I have health insurance.

Speaker 2 (44:12):
Now, exact really what it changed for me?

Speaker 1 (44:14):
And we actually got legally married before our official ceremony
because I needed health insurance and it was like four
months before a wedding and I was running out of
my health insurance and he was like, let's just get
legally married so you can get onto mine. So marriage
didn't change anything for us. I don't think there were
any surprises. I just think in terms of like what's challenging. Like, actually,

(44:36):
our marriage is not challenging. Life is pretty challenging. And
I always think, you know, when I hear people say
marriage is so much work, so much work. Look, look,
I don't have kids right with him, so let's see.
But as a childless couple, marriage has not been difficult.
Life has been really difficult at times. Over the last
six and a half years that we've been together, I've
struggled a lot with mental health stuff. You know, We've

(44:59):
had family health issues and everything, and just those things
are difficult. But we're always kind of coming at it
from the same page. So I don't at all actually
feel like our marriage is difficult. I just feel like
life is kind of tough sometimes, but we'll figure it out.

Speaker 3 (45:17):
You know. One thing we were talking about earlier that
we touched on was trying to make friends as couples. Yes,
and I feel like that that is I agree. I
agree with you. I think like, if you're both putting
in work to the relationship, there's not much that can
be chilling if you're both choosing to be there, If
you're both choosing to work at it, there's always hope
in the relationship, right. But one thing we spoke about earlier,

(45:37):
which was trying to make friends as adults. As an
adult couple.

Speaker 1 (45:42):
Well, it's really hard making friends as a couple in
your thirties because essentially two people have to like the
other counterpart, right, So we moved to Connecticut knowing very
few people, and we've made very few couple friends in
the four years we've been there because oftentimes it's like, oh,
I'll really get along with the wife, but like my
husband won't quite click with the husband, or he'll click

(46:03):
with the husband and I won't quite click with the wife.
And that's that's tough because, like, you know, when you're younger,
you're just naturally more social and you're used to larger
groups of friends around.

Speaker 3 (46:14):
You and more free time. You're like not as invested
of how much how much free time you have and
who you spend it with. You're a little bit looser
with that as well, because you're like, I've got all
the time in the world.

Speaker 1 (46:24):
Exactly, and you're just kind of like, you know, the
you have less responsibilities, less bills to pay for, less
just stuff going on. And so I feel like as
an adult, it's just been really interesting, Like I have
a handful on one hand, close girlfriends in Connecticut at
this point, and like we really only have like one
or two couple friends that we consistently see on a

(46:47):
regular basis. First of all, there's no time. I mean,
we don't do anything on the weekdays. We don't socialize
on the weekdays. It's just too much. So that really
leaves Friday and Saturday. And I'm somebody that like, if
I see somebody on Friday, I can't go out Saturday.

Speaker 2 (47:02):
I need it.

Speaker 3 (47:03):
One day on like three days off exactly.

Speaker 1 (47:06):
I need I can only do like one big social
thing a week at most, and so that really limits
the amount of time you can spend with somebody. I
think it'll change maybe when we have kids, because I
hear you meet a lot of.

Speaker 3 (47:20):
Kidople, Yeah you have.

Speaker 2 (47:21):
I agree.

Speaker 3 (47:22):
I think me and Jay have always found that where
someone he's a little bit older than me. So when
we're back home, he has his friends who he's been
friends with for a long time, and I don't have
that same relationship with the wives. They're wonderful, but we're
just at different stages in life. A lot of them
had kids that are a little bit older, and they're
in a different stage of life. And then me, I've
got a lot of friends. All my girlfriends are still single.

(47:43):
A lot of them are still single, and so like
one we don't have couples there to actually spend time with,
and two we just have a different relationship. I've known
them since I was a teenager, like we have when
we're together, we end up being like who we were
when we were teenagers. It's a different.

Speaker 1 (47:56):
Relationship and it's like the cackling out, I want nothing
to do with this. I need to go meditate now,
Like I just, oh my.

Speaker 3 (48:04):
God, I do not want to hang out with you guys.
And so what we've learned to do now is he
has a lot of separate time with his guy friends
and I have a lot of separate time with my girlfriends.
And then we do have times where we bring a
lot of people together at once. But I think sometimes
trying to drag your partner along to a time where
he doesn't want to be part of it, or doesn't
necessarily not dislike the partner but doesn't have as much

(48:27):
in common or want to spend his spare time with
that person. I think that's what it is. Same with family,
there's a lot of time Robbie, Like, why would you
not want to spend three to four hours doing nothing
with my family?

Speaker 2 (48:38):
What do you mean?

Speaker 3 (48:39):
Like that's the best thing, sitting around, not talking, being
around each other and hanging out. And I had to
realize that, Look, he's also not someone who has done
that a lot with his own family, and so he
loves spending time with my family. But would he want
to just spend days on end doing absolutely nothing with them?
Probably not right, not because he doesn't love and adore them,
but because he wants to spend his time differently exactly.
And so, yeah, now we have a lot of like

(49:01):
he goes on his guide dates, I go on my
girl dates, and then we'll have a few people that
will kind of bring together for games, nights and stuff
where we can do it in large groups with everybody.
But yeah, I think it's sometimes unrealistic to think you're
going to have all these couple friends that will get
along with each other, like you see, it's probably less
true for most people.

Speaker 1 (49:19):
Exactly, and you don't always have to be doing things together.

Speaker 3 (49:22):
Yeah, what do you see in terms of where you
are right now and the kind of impact that you
want to have and what you want women to know,
is there one piece of advice that you would want
to give people right now after everything you've done, like
the biggest piece of advice that you feel has impacted you.

Speaker 1 (49:38):
If I had to pick one, I would say that
what you're able to let go of is actually going
to be your greatest asset, because I think most of
the time women can't let go of what doesn't serve
them anymore, and they don't realize if I just let
oh of this, I'm going to create so much space
for what I really want to come into my life.
But we have a finite amount of time and energy

(50:00):
and just what we can dedicate to one person one career,
and if it's not working out Shift Gears think about
the chaos of my Instagram career, like very few people
I know were like, oh yeah, I started off in
a completely different niche like most people like were like, Okay,
this is what I want to do, and like you know,
they build slowly or they go viral overnight and then

(50:21):
they just keep doing it. Like I had eight thousand
different personalities online and I was just willing to I
was like, Okay, it's working, Like.

Speaker 2 (50:28):
Let's let it go.

Speaker 1 (50:29):
If I had stuck to my guns, and then like no,
I started off at Home Day Corps, I'm going to
continue in Home Day Corps. It wouldn't be here because
that's just I wasn't good at it and I didn't
like it.

Speaker 3 (50:38):
So let go, let goga and go of the chads.

Speaker 2 (50:41):
Let go of the chad.

Speaker 3 (50:43):
Is there an emotion that you find difficult to deal with?
If there's one, let me see.

Speaker 1 (50:49):
I'm such an open book that I really allow myself
to feel all my emotions. But what I will say
is like, for me personally, i'm quite I have a
I'm quick to anger, and I think that's not great,
both for me and the people around me. But it's
weird because like, I don't like feeling angry, but I

(51:12):
also feel like my anger has gotten me here. Like
a lot of my content is inspired by the fact
that I am angry about what I seem, what I
deem to be injustices in the world.

Speaker 2 (51:22):
So I don't know.

Speaker 1 (51:23):
It's like, I think you should make space for all
the emotions. It's like that movie Inside Out. It's like, yeah,
I love that not everything you know. Joy is not
the old It's the point of life is not to
just be happy all the time and just kind of,
you know, float through life in this drug induced haze.
That's not that's not a meaningful life. That's just called

(51:45):
living in ignorance. So, uh yeah, I find sadness. I
find anger difficult to deal with, but I understand the
necessity in my life.

Speaker 3 (51:54):
They say, I don't know whether you've had this before,
but they say that anger is a secondary emotion to
something else that you're feeling, and so it's hurt, pain, neglect, disappointment.
You know, there's a primary emotion that's led to the
protective secondary emotion that is anger. And I always find
that helpful because every time I feel angry, if I
really do like track it back to where it's actually

(52:15):
come from, it does come from a place where it's
a protection. It's actually a protective emotion, right like anger
is a protective emotion. I feel these feelings that have
made me open up and that feel very sacred to me,
and now to actually express that anger is the way
I can express it because there's other emotions feel too intimate.

(52:36):
So I found that really interesting and it helped me
really process anger differently. Once I figured that out, what
kind of cry are you. Are you like an actress?
One one?

Speaker 1 (52:44):
No, I am such an ugly cry okay, And it's
not cute, And like I don't cry on camera mostly because.

Speaker 2 (52:50):
Like nobody needs to be that.

Speaker 1 (52:53):
I don't know, and I just there's something to me
and like I don't really I think I cried on
camera once for my grandfather passed away.

Speaker 2 (53:00):
But other than that, I'm just I'm an ugly crier. Yeah.

Speaker 3 (53:04):
I love an ugly crier me too. I feel like
that is really the best type of crier.

Speaker 2 (53:08):
Yeah, it's not. And it's like you look at my face, like,
is she smiling? Is she like it? Is she great?
Is she angry? Like what's happened? It's not. It's not good.

Speaker 3 (53:17):
Thank you so much for being here. Thank you so
much for conversation. So appreciate everything you do. You bring
so much. Every time I see your videos, it makes
me so happy because you make people laugh, and I
think you make them laugh you make them think at
the same time, and I think the duality of that
is such a perfect combination to have impact. And so
you're helping so many women out there to really move

(53:39):
through their relationships and think about what they want in life.
And also find worth in their life about themselves, and
I think that's something that a lot of women are
lacking these days. So thank you for making everyone feel
so much more confident. And I'm so excited for whatever
journey you've got coming along, and I'm here for it.
I'm going to be.

Speaker 2 (53:54):
Watching, thank you so much, and right back at you,
thank you, and

Speaker 1 (54:03):
Through

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Episode Transcript

Host

Radhi Devlukia

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