January 21, 2025 • 55 mins
What does real healing look like, and how can we start today?
In this episode of A Really Good Cry, I’m chatting with the incredible Gabby Bernstein—spiritual teacher, author, and someone who’s turned her own pain into purpose. Gabby shares her inspiring journey from addiction and trauma to finding clarity, joy, and deep healing.
We talk about her life-changing four-step self-help process, the magic of Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, and why even the tiniest changes in your daily life can spark transformation. Gabby’s approach is so heartfelt and makes healing feel accessible, loving, and doable.
This conversation is all about reconnecting with yourself, embracing your journey, and creating space for growth and joy. You’re going to feel so seen and uplifted—you don’t want to miss it!
What We Discuss:
00:00 Intro
01:03 How Gabby Bernstein's spiritual journey began
08:17 Internal Family Systems Therapy
16:01 Understanding the layers behind our triggers
22:49 A Four-Step Process for Self-Healing
30:07 Why self-awareness is key to healing
37:18 Reflecting on misaligned goals
40:27 Teaching while still learning yourself
42:37 The first step to breaking patterns
43:44 How to believe you can change
46:40 Knowing your protectors in life
49:17 Small shifts for big changes
52:21 Take the first step toward healing
Follow Gabby:
- https://gabbybernstein.com/
- https://www.instagram.com/gabbybernstein/
- https://www.facebook.com/gabriellebernstein/
- https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCiGs8bAma9q1fqP-3SokQZw
- https://www.tiktok.com/@gabbybernsteinofficial
Follow Radhi:
- https://www.instagram.com/radhidevlukia/
- https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCxWe9A4kMf9V_AHOXkGhCzQ
- https://www.facebook.com/radhidevlukia1/
- https://www.tiktok.com/@radhidevlukia
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
From twenty one to twenty five, I was running my
own PR business, a nightlife PR business. I was totally
hooked on drugs and alcohol. I was totally addicted to relationships,
addicted to work, addicted to being seen, just food issues,
so multi addicted.
Speaker 2 (00:15):
Gabby Ben Seen everyone is on her tenth book. You're
a spiritual leader to so many people. You've helped so
many people make it through different parts of their journeys
in their life.
Speaker 1 (00:26):
I was cracking, I was falling apart. I was having
a mental breakdown only to have a dream, and in
that dream, I remembered sexual abuse from my childhood that
I had completely dissociated from first.
Speaker 2 (00:40):
The first time you had a memory of it.
Speaker 1 (00:42):
Yeah, these moments of wreckage are our assignments. We have
a choice in this lifetime. Are we going to show
up for them or we're going to play small? Can
you just try on something with me? Would you just
place your hand on your heart and your other hand
on your belly. That's really nice? Thank you.
Speaker 2 (01:03):
I'm rather Dabukiah and on my podcast A Really Good Cry,
we embrace the messy and the beautiful, providing a space
for raw, unfiltered conversations that celebrate vulnerability and allow you
to tune in to learn, connect and find comfort together.
Thank you so much for being on the podcast. I
am just obsessed with you and been such a big fan.
(01:24):
And I know I came on your podcast and you
were just the most incredible host. But I can't believe
you're on your tenth book? Are you joking? Gaby Bernstein?
Everyone is on her tenth book, and you're so many
things like I feel like you're a spiritual leader to
so many people. You've helped so many people make it
through different parts of their journeys in their life. And
(01:47):
I just think that the work that you've done, I
think there's only certain types of people that can do that,
is people who've really done the work themselves. And I
think that's what's so beautiful about your book is I
can really read and I can feel the work that
you've done to be able to speak on a topic
like that. And so I know we've known each other
for a while, but I want to take it back
(02:08):
because I realized I don't actually know how you started, Like, oh,
all of it.
Speaker 1 (02:12):
Go back, because I need to know, Okay, Roddie, I
first of all, I want to just say to you
that to reflect back to me that when you're reading
the book, you feel the work is really meaningful to me,
Because if we're going to go backwards, all I can
say is that for the last nineteen years, I have
been deeply devoted to the inner work more than anyone
(02:33):
I know, more than anyone I know, more than some
of the greatest spiritual teachers I've ever had. Not to
compare myself to anyone, but I've seen so many people
that have done great transformational work in the world, and
I think the greatest transformational work we can do is
on ourselves, definitely. And what does that look like like, Well, yeah,
to take you back, to take you back nineteen years,
(02:53):
but it's actually really this past October. Second, I just
celebrated nineteen years of sobriety. That's amazing, yes, And that
is really kind of That really is where my big
spiritual journey began. I was introduced to spirituality and personal
development and meditation as a child though so way before
(03:15):
I even got clean. And I was a kid, and
my mom would bring me to ashrums and I would
named by Gurumai and I was, you know, was sitting
in meditation with My mother taught to meditate when I
was twelve, really really taught to meditate. I was given
a meditation practice as a result of having a lot
of anxiety. My mom taught me. I would witness my
(03:36):
mother go into her room with incense and the mantras,
and I would just feel this really strange sense that
there was something happening that was magical in that room,
and she'd come out, and she'd be totally in a
different space. Yeah, because she would go in crazy and
come out come Yeah. And I think that the biggest,
the biggest part of my journey was that I really
(03:57):
lived a lot of life without knowing a lot of
who I was or what had happened to me as
a child. And so by the time I was twenty five,
I was running my From twenty one to twenty five,
I was running my own PR business, a nightlife PR business.
I was totally hooked on drugs and alcohol. I was
totally addicted to relationships, addicted to work, addicted to being seen,
(04:19):
just food issues like all of you name it, like
so multi addicted and how don't that lasso. I think
I was living with all forms of addiction up to
that point, but the drugs and the alcohol for me
thankfully brought me to my knees very quickly. So within
a two to three year period I was I went
from lots of drinking and partying to daily cocaine use,
(04:40):
which is such a gnarly drug that it will bring
you to your knees. It will it will either kill
you these days, it'll kill you right on the dot
because of the fent and all and everything else. And
so thank god that was what was happening when I
was using. It was just horrible that it is now.
But it brought me to my knees fast, and I
was but right away when I got twenty five, when
I turned twenty five, was sober. I very quickly started
(05:03):
to recollect those spiritual imprints that my mother had imprinted
on me, and I began meditating, and I awakened my
spiritual practice and started to develop a higher power of
my own, and I became such an incredible spiritual student.
Just would soak up everything and anything and reading metaphysical
texts and nurturing my connection to spirit and started to
(05:25):
channel and just became very very awakened. And in that
journey I started to teach very quickly, and so through
my journey of teaching spiritual personal development tools, I was
also very much healing myself. And I've been now you know,
ten books. So I started writing books in two thousand
and eight. But the big part of my story that
(05:46):
I think is very reflective of the work that's in
this tenth book, which is in self Help, my new book.
The big part of my story was that when I
was thirty six, I was ten years sober, I'd been
on Oprah, I'd written probably like six or seven books.
At this point, I was on stages all over the world.
I was at this place where you're on the outside
you'd be like, oh, she's got it together. She's a
(06:07):
self help author and she's a spiritual teacher. And I
was cracking. I was falling apart as having a mental breakdown,
only to have a dream. And in that dream, I
remembered sexual abuse from my childhood that I had completely
dissociated from.
Speaker 2 (06:24):
For thirty first time you had memory of it.
Speaker 1 (06:27):
Yeah, although if you, if anyone listening has had the
memories resurface of Trump trauma memories resurface, they know what
I'm about to say, which is you don't know, but
you know, there's always a sense of did something happen
to me? Or there's fragmented images that you might see,
or there's and then of course with that knowing or
(06:49):
not knowing, there's extreme explosive behaviors and patterns and protection
mechanisms that you build up to protect yourself from that
impro simple trauma. Yes, and so to give you to
this moment, the greatest part of my recovery in life
has been my trauma recovery and a huge element in
(07:11):
all kinds of somatic and sematic experiencing in EMDR and
EFT and I have had the privilege of having all
these great trauma therapies in my life and spiritual support.
But the greatest device for my healing was a therapy
called Internal Family Systems Therapy, and IFS is what has
(07:32):
informed my tenth book Self Help, which is where we
are today. And that therapy was so healing for me
that I befriended the founder. He became sort of my buddy,
my mentor. He guided me as I went and I
got to the practitioner training with the IFS Institute. I
was one of the last students to go through it.
(07:52):
That isn't actually a therapist, so they've stopped teaching it
to people. They've stopped training people who aren't therapists, which
I completelyunderstand. They're training in other ways, many other trainings though,
And so I've got the level two training. I'm like,
I've got this tool. I can use this in my work,
not one on one, but I was wanting to use
it in my lectures and my coaching and in my
(08:13):
podcast coaching. And then I realized, I got to write
a book about this. But I have to make it
self help, because not everyone's going to have the privilege
of getting an IFS therapist or finding their way to therapy,
or even having enough willingness to go do that work
in therapy. So I wrote this, I wrote the book
self Help.
Speaker 2 (08:31):
Wow, Well, thank you for sharing that, And I'm so
sorry that you had to go through something like that.
Speaker 1 (08:36):
Don't be sorry, because you want to know why I
am in the I am the happiest person I know.
I am in such a great place in my life.
I am literally so clear, so confident, I have so
much courage. I feel so great in this life right now,
in this moment. And if I hadn't lived all the
(08:56):
life experience that I've had, I wouldn't be right here.
Speaker 2 (09:00):
And that's such a beautiful thing to be able to say.
And only when someone has truly done the work and healed,
are you able to truly be able to say something
like that, especially after having been something so traumatic, when
you've been younger. Yes, So you mentioned the therapy that
this is all based around mention it again.
Speaker 1 (09:15):
So it's called internal family Systems therapy. It's also known
as IFS.
Speaker 2 (09:19):
IFS yes, IFS therapy, And so could you explain a
little bit around the IFS therapy because the first time
I heard about it was reading your book.
Speaker 1 (09:27):
Oh wow, great, Yeah, that's my hold that that's the
first time I had about it because here you are,
you know, like you and Jay are like this is
your space, and like this is your first time hearing
about it. So that's showing me that it's definitely my
duty to sort of light the fire under this and
really let people who wouldn't otherwise necessarily find this life
changing healing. Yeah, it's very in the zeitgeist right now,
(09:48):
so you're going to be healing hearing about it a
lot more and more and more. And it's been around
for forty three years maybe around that roughly, Doctor Richard
Schwartz was originally a family therapist, and then he started
working with women who were binging and Beliemeck, and he
found that these women were talking about these parts of themselves,
(10:11):
like a part of me wants to harm myself or
a part of me wants to shut down, and then
they also started speaking about this other part of themselves,
that part of me feels a lot of compassion for
this experience. And so he started to sort of rework it,
and through his systems, family training, and his intuition and
I believe higher power, he created a model that has
(10:34):
this premise that when we're children, we have these extreme experiences.
Some may be as extreme as mine or even far
more extreme, right, Or they may just be being bullied
by the big kid right, or being told you were
stupid by a teacher, or or all of the above
little impressions to begin, little impressions, or your dad just
(10:55):
wasn't around a lot because he was working, or mom
left dad, or you know, things that sometimes you might
be like, I had a really great upbringing, but you know,
they'll be like, but my dad was an alcoholic. You know, yeah,
you know, you don't always like even really equate it
because you just have normalized it. But the experiences from
our childhood imprint these wounds, frankly, and those experiences are
(11:17):
often so extreme that our child brain cannot handle it
or process it. And it's far too often the majority
of the time that we don't have an adult parent
or caregiver who can help us process it.
Speaker 2 (11:32):
Oh, we don't even know to express it, for someone
to help us throw it.
Speaker 1 (11:36):
Like, we have shame around it, whatever it might be.
It's too shameful. I mean, I have a six year old, right,
so I can see that when I I'm like, oh,
how do you feel about the kid in the class
that wasn't nice? We don't want to talk about mommy.
It's fine, you know what I mean, he likes me.
Speaker 2 (11:49):
You know.
Speaker 1 (11:49):
It's just too much shame that it won't even come
to the surface. So these young parts of us that
were so traumatized very young became exiled. And that's an
IFS called the exiles. Okay, So they're like these impermissible,
huge feelings of terror and fear and shame, and they're
just we're just deppressed, suppressed, and we subconsciously are like,
(12:13):
I never want to feel that again. So at a
very young age, we start to build up these protectors,
protection mechanisms.
Speaker 2 (12:20):
I loved hearing about this in your book.
Speaker 1 (12:22):
Yes, so the protectors are all the ways that we
learned how to cope with those horrible feelings as little children. Right.
So for my son's example, right, he was three years old,
he went into a class, a Montessori class was three
year olds and six year olds. There was a six
year old in the class, and he was obsessed with him.
He only wanted to be friends with the six year old,
(12:43):
and the six year old was like, I hate you.
I want to have nothing to do with you, and
I you know, kids are mean, right, and also like
what is the six year old want of people? And
with a three year old for you know, like they don't.
It's just he's like, I don't want to be around you.
And he was bullying him a little bit, but natural
stuff that happens. But this sent in and press my
son that said to him, the only way to make
(13:03):
myself feel good enough and protect myself from that feeling
is to always be the boss R. And so even
to this day, three years later, I see in my
son that he has a protector part that's like, I'm
the boss. When new people come around, he'll go grab
his NERF gun and he'll walk around with his NERF gun, which,
by the way, I would never wanted to give him,
but eventually you just give it to them because then
(13:24):
you think they'll get over it. But like or some
like weapon, they I'll have a sword with him. He
walks around with it when new people around because he
needs to be the boss, right And it's this misguided
believe that I'm not the boss, I don't belong. And
so that's an example of a moment in time, not
that big a deal, but it was extreme for him,
and he didn't have a process that and even with
(13:45):
mom it was Gabby Bernstein. It was a lot. And
so we're still processing it, you know. And so it
told him I'm going to protect myself by being a boss.
So that was a protector part that was established for
this little guy. Okay, so imagine the more extreme things
that have and we build up these protectors. You know,
we weren't loved as kids. I'm going another protector could
(14:05):
be I'm going to be a perfectionist, so nobody ever
has to so I feel good enough, or I'm going
to control everything because they didn't feel safe at that time.
High that's me, And so that becomes this way that
we manage our big, impermissible feelings. And so the good
news is that, well, let's talk about the tough news. First,
(14:26):
most of us are living our lives in these protector
parts were when something gets when that childhood feeling gets triggered,
we go right into a control We go into you know,
some kind of trauma response. Right, so it's going to
be judgment or it's going to be you know, freaking out,
or ways of protecting, being the boss, whatever it might be.
Those are called manager protectors, where we're just kind of
(14:47):
keeping it together. But those managers aren't working. It gets
to really extreme levels, and those are called the firefighter protectors.
And that's like drug addiction or love addiction, because the
pain is so big that we have to put out
the fire. So internal family, we have an inner family
of lots of little children inside of us, these locked up,
(15:09):
little exile, traumatized kids, and these protection mechanisms that are
literally like little children running our fucking lives.
Speaker 2 (15:17):
You know what this is reminding me of? Did you
watch the show with Tom Holland.
Speaker 1 (15:21):
What's the show?
Speaker 2 (15:22):
You have to watch it? Do you know what the
show is called? Tom Holland's it's literally what you are
saying right now, is that a cartoon? No? No, no,
it's a really it's like it's a drama. Its specifically
speaking about basically this where he's and in that they
say that he's schizophrenic, but really what he has is
every single thing that's happened to him as he has
(15:42):
grown up. You realize at the end that he's actually
created these people, these personalities that he becomes as protective
mechanisms to the trauma that he's had. So every time
he's in that situation, this protected person, which eventually you
see them inside his heart. You see all these little people,
and each one represents a different pain or trauma that
(16:04):
he has created. This personality or this person he's speaking to,
that's protecting him, that's with him, that's his safety blanket
that he is turning into or speaking as there you go, and.
Speaker 1 (16:16):
I have to guess that it's based on ifs.
Speaker 2 (16:19):
Yes, and from everything you're saying, I'm sure, I'm sure
the crowded.
Speaker 1 (16:23):
Room, I'm sure it's based on ifs it has to be.
And it's not like this is an uncommon under awareness,
but the idea that we're not one mono human, right,
this is what Dick Schwartz teaches, but that we have
multiple types of protection mechanisms that are little children inside
of us. And it's a very non pathologizing way of
(16:43):
looking at yourself. Right, It's like, I'm not a schizophrenic
as a lots of parts of me, I'm not a
drug addict. I just have a protection mechanism that's called
a drug addict that that puts out the fire with
the drugs because it's too scary to live in this world.
Speaker 2 (16:55):
And I love that because I do think that nowadays
everything has just gotten so much much smaller and smaller,
and minds have just gone smaller and smaller, where you
just can't believe that someone can be have duality, that
someone can be both happy as you were but still
have trauma, that someone can be a self help teacher
and philosopher. And I've done a lot of work but
(17:17):
still have a lot of work to do. And I
think that is that what you're explaining I think would
help one where if people learned it, even if they
don't have to use the therapy for me. It makes
me think, Oh, like my friend who drinks a little
bit too much, or my friend who has these sudden
outbursts in this specific way, or my mum or my sister,
(17:37):
whatever it is, it's making me understand them so much
more just by you saying that. And I'm looking at
my life and I'm thinking, oh, wow, when I have this.
There are some times when to my husband, to J
I'll be like, I'll have this sudden response that's really
bigger than it ever needs to be. I'm like, why
do I respond to him in that way? Because what
he's saying actually isn't triggering, and what he's saying and
(17:59):
the way he's saying it isn't triggering at all. But
the way I've reacted it's way larger than what he
was saying.
Speaker 1 (18:04):
It's way bigger.
Speaker 2 (18:06):
And the only thing I can think of there is like, oh,
it's definitely And I've broken some of those down for myself,
where you know, if I'm if he's even if he's
trying to help me in some way, my automatic response
is I can do it myself. I can do it,
like you don't need to do it for me, I
can do it myself. And at first for him that
was like, wait, I'm just trying to help you, like
I actually love you and I'm trying to help you.
(18:27):
For me, I interpret it as people didn't think I
could do anything by myself when I was younger, So
now I have to show that I can do this
all by myself. And so I don't want your help.
I don't want you to promote this. I don't want
you to do this for me. I want to do
it by myself and I don't want your help. And
so that so when you're saying that, that's the first
thing that came to my mind. I was like, I
would never understand why I would have that response to
(18:48):
someone who's just trying to pour love into me, and
that would be my response. And so I'm like, oh, wow,
that was my protective mechanism or me trying to suppress
something that I haven't yet worked through, and that's how
it's coming out of me.
Speaker 1 (19:00):
Do you want to check in with that part? We
don't have to go deep deep, we can just have
a conversation with it. Yesday. So this is the step
that I've created in the book. Yeah, this is now
we'll teach it, and it's actually not meant to go
to the exile. It's not meant to go to like
like it'll the young memories might come through, but that's
not what I'm trying to do here. This is an
IFS informed self help book. And before we go into it,
(19:23):
I have to really tell you the most important part,
which is that we have these little children that are
kind of controlling and running our lives and they're always
on high alert. But we also have an internal parent.
We also have an adult resourced, undamaged self with a
capital S. It self is compassionate. It's eight C qualities. Compassion,
(19:47):
the energy the essence of compassion, connection, courage, confidence, clarity, creativity,
calm and connected. Think I said already that.
Speaker 2 (20:00):
Sounds like all the things where in our scriptures it
talks about our super soul, and it's like the the
part of us that is as deeply connected to the
universe to God. So like there's this small spark in
us that has all of that that embraces it's all loving,
all kind, all compassionate, and we all have that seated
in us, but it's just covered up with all the
(20:23):
layers and layers and layers of material existence.
Speaker 1 (20:25):
And so you just nailed it. Which is there's a
beautiful quote in the book that I quote one of
an I F. S teacher and it talks about how
the sun is self, and.
Speaker 2 (20:39):
I just loved it. Yeah, it's the sun. The self
is the sun behind the clouds. The sun always the
Self always exists, but it is just behind the clouds.
Even though we can't see the sun, we know it's
always there. Just like the sun. The self isn't something
we have to find, It's already there. We just have
to let ourselves be revealed from behind the clouds of
(21:01):
our protect is. I loved that.
Speaker 1 (21:03):
I have to remember who was at We'll say we'll
pick it up. I'll pick it up because I want
to make sure that I give him all the credit.
But I mean, there it is.
Speaker 2 (21:11):
It is beautiful there. It is so true.
Speaker 1 (21:13):
And his point is, it's the self is the Sun
behind the clouds. We have access to it at all times.
It's always there, but we've built up these protection mechanisms
like a wall that block that presence or the clouds
that block the light. And so when we do what
we're about to do together, of course, if you took
it further and did it in IFS therapy. Particularly starting
(21:35):
here with the self help check in process, which is
what I'm calling it, you begin to release that cloud
and reveal the presence of self. Now this is a
four step process, but now you understand why the book
is called self Help. Self be there to help your
little parts. You have an inner parent. And this right here,
(21:57):
right now, Roddy, is why I'm so happy. It's everything,
it's all my sober recovery, it's all kinds of therapy,
but it's really this practice living in this way, knowing
that I'm not alone, knowing that I can tend to
these inner parts of myself in any given moment and
redirect and reorganize my energy. It's the greatest gift of
my life.
Speaker 2 (22:17):
And I just love that you've turned into something that
like I am assuming this four step process is the
process people have to go through every time they come
across something like this. But the fact that I can
do it with you now, but the fact that people
can do it at home by themselves, that I have
it as their constant check in process every time they
feel something like this happened, Like it's just such a
beautiful thing that you've created for people to have at
(22:39):
home as a mechanism to cope versus maybe turning to
something else.
Speaker 1 (22:44):
And a way to befriend every part of who you
are instead of shaming yourself, blaming yourself, or overriding the
protection mechanism with another protection mechanism. Right, So it's like
you might be protected, you know, protector rage and then
later be in protector judgment of yourself and then being
protector or addict because you don't like the judgment and
(23:05):
it's just going from to protect or to protect or
to protect her living so blended in that way. But
this practice teases it out in the moment and gives
you that distance between the trigger and the response, and
it allows you space to be present with the feeling
and the experience and be curious about that part of you,
(23:28):
to give it some space to soften. And the more
you habitually practice that, the more second nature it becomes,
the more you learn to rely on that self energy
inside God.
Speaker 2 (23:40):
I feel like we need it so much now, more
than ever, because I think we're so used to being
so stimulated and having such immediate reactions and receiving immediate
reactions to things that sitting in something is not you know,
whether it's you writing something on your Instagram story when
you're angry about something, or whether it's message your friends
(24:00):
as soon as something happens, or calling someone or there's
just so many options of how you can how you
can have a lash out or have your feelings expressed
in a very extreme way before you've even had time
to sit and process it. And I think having that moment,
I think having this practice allows people to have that
moment by themselves, without anybody else's view, opinion, thoughts being
(24:25):
shoved into their mind when they're in a vulnerable state
or when they're in an impressionable state, which is usually
when we're in those emotions. We are in those states.
Speaker 1 (24:34):
When we're in those emotions, we are in those states,
and we are blended with the part. Right. So you
said this beautifully before, which is that we can we
can speak. We can learn how to speak for these parts,
not as them. So the next time that that thing
happens with Jay, we're going to work on it now. YEA,
the next time that thing happens with Jay, you can say, WHOA,
(24:57):
I'm noticing I'm feeling that feeling again, and I want
to just say it and name it. And maybe it's
nothing to do with you. Maybe it is and I
don't know, let's let me tease it up. But you
could have that awareness, or you can step away and
just say I'm gonna go check in the bathroom and
you guys are going checking it all over the place
or whatever feels like you need in that moment. Okay,
(25:20):
So how would you call that protector or was there
like a way that you would reference it or it's
sort of I want to do it myself protector.
Speaker 2 (25:27):
Yeah, it's like the prove yourself like protect yourself. Okay, Yeah,
probably beautiful.
Speaker 1 (25:34):
So this is a beautiful opportunity to Step one choose
to check in.
Speaker 2 (25:40):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (25:41):
And the reason that Step one is choose to check
in is because we can't like a little kid, right
when you have a kid, you're gonna get this. I mean,
you're gonna call me like how do I do this?
So my son if I if I see he's agitated
about something and I'm like, so Allie, like let's talk
about it. He well, I don't want to. I need
his buy in. Usually it's like right before bed, always
(26:04):
like those are the mudget or it's you know, when
we're in the car driving, and so I need that
that can't be in the heated moment necessarily the wolves correct,
So you have there has to be a crack that's
been opening, and so that choice is going to be
there when you take that for a step, because you're
going to be have enough separation or enough awareness, or
(26:26):
enough desire or enough willingness to witness and say, oh no,
I just went into that trigger again. Okay, I'm going
to choose to check in. That's step one, and without
that buy in, the parts of us will get really agitated,
kids like children.
Speaker 2 (26:40):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (26:41):
Step two is curiosity. So I'll ask the questions to you,
but really you're asking them to your part myself. Okay,
So first, just maybe even close your eyes if you
feel comfortable, and just tune your attention inward. Notice if
you have access at this moment to that what did
(27:03):
we say? What did we call it? Again? Prove yourself
protect your self protector. And as you focus your attention
a little bit on this, prove your self protector. If
there's anything physical sensations that you notice, you can speak
for them. Yeah, but it's suffocating suffocating great, okay, and
any thoughts, ideas, sensations.
Speaker 2 (27:26):
It definitely feels very childlike, like it's not an adult emotion.
It's very like immediate and almost like not tantrumy, but
it feels that way like it will be very it
will be irrational a little bit. It feels rational, but
I know in my adult self that it's irrational. Okay.
Speaker 1 (27:50):
If there's any images, thoughts, sensations, anything it wants us
to know.
Speaker 2 (27:53):
Oh, it definitely takes me. My trigger is definitely school
and education, Okay, always has been for this emotion.
Speaker 1 (28:03):
Anything else it wants us to know.
Speaker 2 (28:10):
A younger child thing like from like being the younger
child in my family, having a lot of intelligent cousins
and sisters around me, and that was definitely a big part.
Speaker 1 (28:20):
But right, okay, Yeah, I think there's are like beautiful,
really good, really nice, nice druggle Okay. And then the
third step is to compassionately connect to this part. So
this is where you might check it. Do you feel
like you have a connection to it in this moment? Yeah,
definitely great, So checking in with the part, ask it
(28:42):
what it needs, let me think, well, let me feel, yeah, exactly,
don't think too much what it needs.
Speaker 2 (28:51):
I think it needs me to let go mm hmm, yeah,
let go of things that are like, aren't relevant anymore.
Speaker 1 (29:02):
Okay, okay, beautiful and now if we yeah, beautiful, already
beautiful and feel that right now with me, don't don't
override it. Be with me. I'm with you completely, and
I'm with the part. And notice how you feel in
this moment this is the four step.
Speaker 2 (29:22):
A bit vulnerable, Yeah, definitely, like an emotion that I
found difficult to work through.
Speaker 1 (29:33):
Perfect, Perfect? Do you feel? How do you feel towards
that part of you?
Speaker 2 (29:43):
A bit like it's been around for longer than it should,
like if it doesn't feel as relevant anymore, but I
he like it's there's smaller parts of it that I
hold on to when that's not who I am anymore.
Speaker 1 (29:56):
So can you just try on something with me which
you just poast your hand on your heart and your
other hand on your belly and just breathe with me
for a moment and just real deep breath in and
out and just give it some presents, give the part
a little bit of presence and breath. Really, just give
it some deep breaths. Just breathe with it another moment,
(30:25):
just let it know that it's totally safe here with
me and you, and let it know that I'm really
excited to get to know it, and I'm really happy.
Let it know anything else that you want it to know. Okay,
(30:47):
you can just take another deep breath and just let
it let it know you're here. That's really nice. Thank
you you did it.
Speaker 2 (30:58):
That was really powerful. That was really really powerful. I
feel like sometimes even with the smaller emotions, when you
end up having them. One thing I've realized is with
even emotions like this, where it may not affect me
every single day, or it does in smaller ways, but
even if it doesn't, when you end up addressing it,
you automatically feel like even something small because you've suppressed
(31:19):
it constantly or haven't worked through it fully, it feels
really big in the moment. So when you're like addressing it,
what you said at the beginning, like you have to
choose to buy into it. At first, I was like,
I really don't want to do it. Like in my mind,
I honestly was like, oh God, and know I'm gonna cry.
I know this is what's going to I know what
my emotions are going to get heightened, because that's how
I feel in the moment when someone's asking me questions
(31:39):
or it's getting triggered. But it's definitely a process of
like getting extremely vulnerable with yourself where you don't like
to go like that's the it was really uncomfortable.
Speaker 1 (31:50):
First of all, you're very good at these steps because
you have such strong awareness already. Right, You've done a
tremendous manner work on yourself. You know yourself, right. But
what I think is so beautiful is that the way
that you just defined exactly what I think most people's
protector is is the fear of that vulnerability. How do
(32:11):
you feel about the How do you feel right now now?
Speaker 2 (32:14):
I feel definitely relieved because I've let the emotion flow.
If I hadn't, I would have probably cried throughout the
episode in some way because it would have built up
or pen up in me. But also that it's an
easier process than I thought to work through it in
that moment versus having an irrational response to something like
(32:36):
this feels a lot clearer and cleaner, Like my mind
feels clearer.
Speaker 1 (32:41):
So clarity is one of the c qualities itself. Yeah,
so you let self help.
Speaker 2 (32:48):
Amazing.
Speaker 1 (32:51):
That was a really so imagine a world where when
you have those moments or that awareness, whether it's in
the moment or it's three days later, it does not
matter that you're had a part that's present and it
needs some attention, and you just choose to check in
step one, become curious, Step two compassionately connect by asking
(33:15):
what do you need? Step three and step four check
for c's, check for those c qualities. So what I
did it with you? But I was like, and then
you got into the place where you said, I feel clear, Yeah,
there's your quality. That is your sign that self energy
has come through, and it's a sign. And so these steps,
this is not IFS. IFS is very different. This is
(33:38):
IFS informed. Okay, i FS is going to take you
on a very different journey because you have a therapist
with you, holding you. This is a much This is
a very safe and contained Richard Schwartz, the founder of IFS,
very approved model for doing this for yourself right. And
the beauty of it is that you can befriend that
part of yourself. You can begin to establish relationship with
(34:03):
that part of yourself so that she doesn't have to
run the show she doesn't have to flow about and
instead she can feel seen because what she wants to
feel seen. But who does she need to feel seen by? Yeah? Yeah, right,
so true And as soon as she feels that truthful,
be this will change your life. This will change change
(34:23):
everything about your life.
Speaker 2 (34:25):
It's also like the heaviness of you think that then
even if they feel like smaller things and to the
grand scale of what people can go through, what my
emotion is is somewhat small. But what I've realized is
that these little small things that you carry, like you
pick them up along the way, and if you're not
letting them go as you got to, like, you feel
so heavy. And it's not a physical heavy, it's like
(34:48):
you have heavy, heavy emotional emotions. It's like a heaviness
that you feel in your heart every time it's happening.
So even this release that I just had with you
for me, I'm like, had I not done that now,
it would have kept building and building and building, and
then the release would have felt so much more dramatic. Yeah,
And I just think that that it's because we we
(35:09):
pent up these emotions over and over again, and these
traumas that you're talking about over and over again, and
without releasing one, all you're doing is adding to the
weight of it all over and over again.
Speaker 1 (35:20):
Think about how little kids manage their feelings. Right, they tantrum,
they they or if they shut down, right, they hide,
or they you know, let it all out, it burst.
Speaker 2 (35:32):
Right.
Speaker 1 (35:33):
That's how we that's how we are. We are running.
It does not shoulder your adulthood, and it's not. It
really doesn't, because we get stuck in time and we
become stuck in that pattern and that behavior and that
behaviors and these protection mechanisms because the only way we
can feel safe. So it's shifted your energy here right now,
you're in clarity. We can be more connected, you can
(35:53):
feel more calm later. So that self energy that you
established in this moment can carry you. Also gives you
this spiritual proof that there is help inside.
Speaker 2 (36:03):
Yeah, that's so true.
Speaker 1 (36:04):
That's the power and that's confidence.
Speaker 2 (36:06):
Like I always think about that every time I work
through different parts of me, it increases the love and
confidence that I feel, and then that spreads into different
parts of my life, and then that spreads into my relationships,
and then that spreads into the other people I interact with.
On the street. It's like, it's such a knock on
effect of what you just said. As soon as you
(36:26):
feel you can help yourself and someone else isn't doing
it for you, and someone else isn't the savior in
your life. Whatever it is that you can do it
for yourself, it's just a completely different experience.
Speaker 1 (36:38):
You nailed it, Yeah, because confidence is a sea equality.
So when you start to let these qualities of confidence, courage, curiosity, right, clarity, yeah, creativity,
when we let these sea qualities start to come forward,
they have a massive ripple effect because when you start
(37:02):
to develop that self energy, it starts to get really
big in your life. And so you walk in the
door and people are like, I don't know why that
girl makes me feel really good? Yeah, and you have
the energy, by the way, but you know, thank you
very much, and it's the self help work. It's period
end of story, right, because it can feel I mean,
if you'd met me five years ago and Jay's known
me for you know, eleven twelve years, like a really
(37:25):
long time, and when he knew me, then he knows
a different woman.
Speaker 2 (37:28):
You know.
Speaker 1 (37:28):
Jay and Lewis are like my brothers because they knew
me at a time when I was had a lot
of self like qualities, but it was it was intermittent, right,
and it wasn't And I had a lot of purpose
and had a lot of love in my heart, but
I wasn't. It wasn't integrated. Yeah, and that's just because
I was on the path and I'm still on the path.
I did self help check in last night, and I
(37:50):
totally changed my life around, completely changed my day around.
I had the most The other thing is is, you
know people want to talk about manifesting, like, if you
want to manifest, do self help, honey.
Speaker 2 (38:02):
Right.
Speaker 1 (38:02):
It's like when you heal here, that confident energy, that
courageous energy, that compassionate energy, that calm present is what
makes you a super attractor.
Speaker 2 (38:12):
Oh my gosh.
Speaker 1 (38:12):
And that you know.
Speaker 2 (38:13):
I've been talking to my team actually about the manifesting
stuff because I was saying to them that you have
to be so careful and you know, on to what
you were saying about doing the self help. When you're
trying to manifest and you're you don't have clarity in
what you actually want, you will manifest something you do
not want in your life. And so I was talking
about this to do with things that I'm you know,
(38:35):
been been dipping my feet in with work. And yesterday
I said to one of the girls, I was like, fundamentally,
it is not making me feel happy, like it is
not I thought I wanted it. And the funny thing is,
last year I was talking about it so much I
was I was putting it, putting the words into my
life of this is what I want to happen next year,
And funnily enough, a year later, it happened.
Speaker 1 (38:57):
That's that thing.
Speaker 2 (38:58):
Happened, and I'm in it, and I could keep dipping
my feet in it, and I was like, it is
not it's happened. But actually I was not in a
clear place last year when I started deciding I wanted
to do this. So it's happened, but it's actually not
something I want. And now I've realized it's not what
I want because the more I'm dipping my feet in it,
the more I realize how unhappy it's making me. And
(39:20):
so it's so interesting because because I didn't have the
clarity then what I manifested in my life, whether it's
in by the way, this is the case in relationships,
in work, in your personal life, in everything if you
are not in clarity when you start to decide what
you want in your life, you will end up manifesting
something and realizing, actually, my dream has come true, but
(39:43):
it wasn't really the dream I wanted. And it's been
a really this week has been a big reflective week
for and I've been like, wow, I just that is
not who I want, what I want to be known for,
That's not who I want to be. And I'm going
to have to take my toes out of that water.
Speaker 1 (39:58):
It tows out because but there's clarity right there. Yes,
that's clarity right there. Oh you know, that's actually not
what I want anymore. Yeah, that's cool right. And And
the thing is is that we're just living in this
life where we're unlearning fear and remembering the love of
who we.
Speaker 2 (40:14):
Are, unlearning fear and remembering the love of who we are.
Speaker 1 (40:19):
Yeah, it's this is our classroom, right, These these moments
of wreckage are our assignments. We have a choice in
this lifetime. Are we going to show up for them
or we're going to play small? Are we going to
stay stuck? Are we going to feel the burdens of
these parts of us and the beautiful thing that happens
is that when you start to befriend these parts of
(40:39):
yourself and you start to have this kind of relief
and you start to feel self presence come through the
parts of you don't have to go away, right, Like
my controlling part gets a lot done. Yeah, yeah, for
for a lot of time, even in her darkest moments,
she did a lot of good work. You know, she
wrote ten books in fourteen years. Right, She's served a
lot of And so you can still be going through
(41:02):
really difficult times and do really good things. And that's
really important because not everybody's going to be feeling the
freedom I'm feeling in this moment in a week. But
you can feel that freedom and that light can enter in,
and that light can enter in, and that light can
enter in, and it really adds up and you can
doing beautiful things in your life even when you're going
through tough stuff.
Speaker 2 (41:21):
How do you This is the kind of off topic question,
but it just came to mind. How did you go
through all of those things while you were also helping
other people and not feel like you, like, aren't being
truthful to them? Does that make sense?
Speaker 1 (41:33):
Like, because I was always telling the truth because whatever
stage I was at in my teaching was where I
was at in my learning. Yeah, yes, okay, So at
the time when I was most you know, when I
didn't remember the trauma, but I was just looking for
answers and I was finding it through metaphysics, that's what
(41:55):
I was teaching. I was finding my safety through specific yoga,
That's what I was teaching. Yeah, I was finding you
know when I in these in these through breath work,
and that's what I was teaching. And every book I
have shows you. This shows you the journey. All ten
books show you fourteen years of spiritual recovery because each
(42:16):
level is the level that I was at. And I
always write my books for myself first. Yeah, that's that's
such good advice. I always fine.
Speaker 2 (42:24):
I think there's a difference between how you feel and
always the perception of other people and then well how
they view as and you can't change that. Like I
can keep saying I'm a beginner in this, but if
you see me as an expert, I can't change. I
can keep telling someone I'm a beginner, but I think
it's really difficult when the perception is for example, if
you meditate, if you're someone who meditates, no one expects
(42:45):
you to have road rage. Let's just give that as
an example. It's like, if you are showing that you meditate,
no one expects you to send a voice note back
to someone who's just been rude to you and schooling
them on that. You know, what I'm trying to say
is there's a perception that people can have of you,
no matter how much you share where you're at, if
they want to perceive you in a certain way, you
(43:05):
can't control that. It's just the narrative.
Speaker 1 (43:08):
Yeah, I think if you're telling the truth and you're
that's all you have to that's all that matters. And
other people are always going to put pretenses and projections
onto you. They're gonna they're going to idolize you, They're
going to shame you. It's just the nature of the
world that we live in. But the realities if you're
good with you, yeah, straight on your side, the street
is clean, whatever. Yeah.
Speaker 2 (43:31):
What do you think is the biggest of the biggest
hurdles you mentioned, you know, changing passions? What do you
think are the biggest hurdles that people have to actually
one make change and then be able to sustain the
change of passions, beautiful.
Speaker 1 (43:45):
Question, Well, making the change. I think the biggest hurdle
is the absolute terror of facing into these exiles right
or even slightly textrating into recognizing that there's a protection mechanism,
which is why in the book, I don't want to
work with these firefighter addicts or any of the exiles.
I just want to work with the managers, right, Like
I want to work with the parts of you that are,
(44:06):
you know, controlling your life in that moment. I want
to work with the parts of you that are a perfectionist. Yeah,
I want. I want you to start to get to
know the day to day protection mechanisms so that you
can just soften them a touch, and then if you
start to feel some relief, you might be like, hmm,
this is kind of working. Let me go where Gabby
told me to go to the IFS Institute and find
a therapist, or or I go find that coach that's
(44:27):
going to help me, whatever that might be. But you
start with yourself, you start being your own inner healer,
and then you can know what the next right actions that.
Speaker 2 (44:36):
Yeah, I completely agree, and I feel like with the
different parts of you know, I think one of the
reasons that people end up not being able to stick
to patterns or change. Is that feeling of not thinking
you even.
Speaker 1 (44:49):
Can, Like, yes, you know, this is why it's so
exciting right now, right you just showed them that you can.
So there's a four step practice that you just got
relief from. You gave everyone watching spiritual proof that there's
a four step practice that can give you relief in
the moment, and so that in itself is healing. That
(45:09):
proof is healing. This isn't just we're not just talking
around an idea. We're not just like, hey, here's the
new trick that you can try, or this is the
new thing that somebody suggested. You showed them that relief
is on the other side of this four steps And
if you want a little bit of relief every day,
four step check in. And in the book there's ways
(45:29):
I said, you know, journaling check ins, I have prayer
based check ins, I have meditative check ins. Every chapter
has a check in. And there's also a chapter called
Anxious Parts, all dedicated to the anxiety as a protector.
Body Parts is another chapter, how our somatic, our physical
experience is a protector.
Speaker 2 (45:49):
Right.
Speaker 1 (45:49):
The work of doctor John sarnaw how our back pain
is protecting our impermissible rage.
Speaker 2 (45:54):
But don't you think it takes like a whole lot,
Like I think the first step to wanting to change
is you need a small amount of well either it's
rock bottom or it's you need a small amount of
at least of self love or love for yourself to
want to change, because you have to want to be
a better person or you have to love the future
version of yourself to be able to want to take
(46:17):
steps towards change. So for someone who feels like they
really are struggling with their worth with with love for themselves, like,
what are the first steps that people should start taking
to really create that feeling of like worth in themselves.
Speaker 1 (46:34):
Well, the thing is this, the work only works if
you want to do the work, and you don't need
a lot of willingness, but you need a slight willingness. Yeah, right,
you need a little mustard seed of willingness because that
mustard's willingness will be like hmmm, let me go listen
to that podcast with Gabby and Riddy, right, or hmm,
maybe I'll pick up that book called self help, right, yeah,
(46:54):
But the nice thing about this book in particular is
like it says what it is on the chin, you're
either in or you're out. And so I know that
anyone that's picked this book up opened the first page,
whether it was given to them or they purchased it themselves,
if they opened that page, then they're willing because it's
telling you point blank what this is. Yeah.
Speaker 2 (47:15):
Yeah, you're choosing to self help.
Speaker 1 (47:17):
You're opening a self help book. It says, called self help.
And I think that, Look, not everybody's going to get
there in this lifetime. But if anyone who is here
right now watching and listening to us, they're here. They
wouldn't be listening if they weren't here. Yeah, So congratulations people, Yeah,
well done.
Speaker 2 (47:32):
You showed up What was some of your protectors or
that were coming up for you, like the ways that
it showed up for you in your life.
Speaker 1 (47:43):
Okay, So I've named them, Yeah, very intimate with them.
There was the cocaine addict. There was the and I
say it was because she's been clean and sober, but
I still recognize as a as a recovering cocaine addict.
There's the controller who now is not in her extreme role,
but she's still around because you know what, I got
(48:04):
lots of good things happening, and I got to keep
control over all of these balls in the air.
Speaker 2 (48:08):
Right.
Speaker 1 (48:08):
So she's doing it, and she's like calling her assistant
and she's like, I love you. Can you do me
a favor and just make like five phone calls so
we can move that flight so I can be there
at this time. And she's thinking and getting shit done.
She's getting herself on the plane, and she's getting herself
home to make the dinner, and she's got a little
bit of control. And it's good.
Speaker 2 (48:24):
Actually, Yeah, I like how you're sharing what it was
and now how it's still there but it's not burdened.
Speaker 1 (48:30):
Yes, these parts flourish when they're in there, when they're
no longer burdened. Yes, these parts of us become their
greatest assets. I've read one of them was your wlkoholic workaholic.
She does not she she doesn't exist. She just thrives
because she loves her work. So she can be here
(48:51):
with you and then fly home tomorrow and then maybe
on the plane write a little bit of the next
book that she's working on. But she's not a work ahole.
She's not harming herself she's in a flow, she's asking
for help. The biggest one for me that I still
work with today is the part of me that has
a belief that if I don't do it, nobody else
(49:13):
will yes. And that's the little girl right who lived
in a world where she couldn't control anything, where she
had so much fear and rage and she and she'd
no caregiver that was making her feel safe, and so
she just had to take care of herself. And so
that belief is something I've been working with tremendously. I've
been even two nights ago, just like checking in with her,
(49:36):
listening to her. And the more I work with her,
the more I can let other people help. The more
I can let my husband, who I work with as well,
I can let him just take the lead. I can
just see a vision of a future where I don't
have my hand in certain things. I sat with one
of my employees this morning and he flew in from
San Francisco, and I looked at him and I was like,
(49:58):
I'm so excited to give all this to you, because
my vision is that you can just play with all
this and I can stem step away. These are huge things. Yeah,
she's run the show for a long time.
Speaker 2 (50:09):
She's run the show for a long time. I feel
like with in New Year, people end up sticking, like
they end up committing to a lot of new goals
and new patterns and trying to keep them consistent. How
does someone who and I think what happens is usually
even my gym trainers tell me this. They're like, it's
so busy at the beginning of January and then suddenly
(50:29):
it quietens down and is just the regulars. How does
someone stop? Because I noticed for myself when I stick,
when I start committing to a pattern or a new
habit and then I somehow end up having a break
in it, or I don't end up committing to it
that day. You go into like this spiral, which is
like a shame spiral that stops you then from going
back to that pattern because you're like, oh, okay, well
(50:50):
I didn't do it for the last three days. Do
I even deserve to go back to it? Do you
know that I'm out with dueling right now and I'm
getting so shamed? Duo is like Shito is like, where
the fuck are you? I did?
Speaker 1 (51:00):
I did thirty three hundred days of duo and then
I fell off a day and then now it's like
every two days. Now you feel like me back down
to this like low level where it's like, oh, lamas
ass and I'm like, what like I am I, and
it's it's messing with my brain. So yes, and I
think that the real message here is that I believe
(51:22):
in small shifts for big change. And so if you
can make the commitment to do one check in a
day for two minutes, right or read a page a day,
if that'd be my work, whatever work it is that
you like to do, you know, if it's five pages
of journaling a day, if it's just listening to your
Jay on the podcast right like these are, there's a
spiritual transmission. If you miss a day indications, just jump
(51:45):
right back in, just jump right it back in.
Speaker 2 (51:47):
It's weird that we shame ourselves and that we literally
it's it's it's hard because your mind is shaming you
for not doing it, but then it's also stopping you
from doing it in the next few days or the
week after, all the month after, so you almost jeopardize
it's self sabotage in one way because you're telling yourself
you didn't do it today. But that means you shouldn't
do it tomorrow or the next day or the next day.
Speaker 1 (52:09):
It's also remember it's a protector. So when we get
into that pattern of just some of it, some of
its protector and some of it's just sort of well,
protectors are habits, right. Protectors are habitual behaviors, and so
to undo the habitual behavior of the rage or undo
the control, it is about doing something different, right, And
(52:32):
I think that if someone just hears me say, it's
never too late to start again, period and do one
minute a day, one small thing a day.
Speaker 2 (52:43):
You know.
Speaker 1 (52:43):
I have my Gabby Coaching app. It's a membership app,
and it's the first thing you do is pull a card.
You pull an affirmation card. We'll pull on for you today.
The second thing you do is you land on the
home screen and it's two minute practice.
Speaker 2 (52:55):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (52:55):
Now, there's long meditations in there. There's ten, you know,
thirteen fifteen minute sessions to our talks. But it's all
I'm asking is to pull an affirmation into it and
listen to a two minute practice. That's it, and that's enough.
And that simplicity, I think, is where people are at.
It's what people need and then you're like, Okay, well
I fell off, but I can just do two minutes, right.
Speaker 2 (53:15):
What do you Is there anything else from the book
that you feel like people would really benefit from hammering
now or do they just really have to go read
it and through the whole thing.
Speaker 1 (53:22):
Well they do. Here's the thing. If they're still listening
and they're still here, then I think that's a sign.
The subtitle of this book is this is your Chance
to change your life I have. This is my tenth book.
I have been on the front lines of personal growth
and spiritual development for nineteen years. I have moved through addiction,
I've moved through repressed trauma, I've moved through extreme trauma
(53:46):
with birthing, and I carried a child for almost six months.
I released that child. I've lived life. I've had my traumas.
And the reason I have had the resilience and the
joy that I can live in now and the faith
no matter what, is because I've worked my spiritual and
personal development like a muscle. I built the muscle every
(54:07):
single day, every single day. And so if someone's looking
at you and me and they're like, I want what
they have, or I want that feeling, or I want
to just feel from freedom or relief, then here's an answer.
Here's the solution. If I'm resonating, if it's resonating, or
whether it's again, I always say, like, whether it's my
book or anyone else, just take that first step. Just
(54:27):
just just press order or open the page. Take the
first step.
Speaker 2 (54:32):
Thank you so much. This was honestly such a phenomenal episode,
and this conversation was so useful for me, and I
can't even imagine how many other people it's going to help.
So thank you.
Speaker 1 (54:44):
Dial and we can just check.
Speaker 2 (54:46):
So excited you're going to block my number. I'm really
looking forward to.
Speaker 1 (54:49):
I actually came over here today and I'm like, I
think we're going to become really good friends. Like I
had that sense, I feel like that, why not, right?
But it happens when we go deep like this.
Speaker 2 (55:00):
You look forward to dive deeper into the book. And
thank you so much.
Speaker 1 (55:03):
I love you all. Thank you for your vulnerability.
Speaker 2 (55:06):
M m hmmmmmm.
From twenty one to twenty five, I was running my
own PR business, a nightlife PR business. I was totally
hooked on drugs and alcohol. I was totally addicted to relationships,
addicted to work, addicted to being seen, just food issues,
so multi addicted.
Speaker 2 (00:15):
Gabby Ben Seen everyone is on her tenth book. You're
a spiritual leader to so many people. You've helped so
many people make it through different parts of their journeys
in their life.
Speaker 1 (00:26):
I was cracking, I was falling apart. I was having
a mental breakdown only to have a dream, and in
that dream, I remembered sexual abuse from my childhood that
I had completely dissociated from first.
Speaker 2 (00:40):
The first time you had a memory of it.
Speaker 1 (00:42):
Yeah, these moments of wreckage are our assignments. We have
a choice in this lifetime. Are we going to show
up for them or we're going to play small? Can
you just try on something with me? Would you just
place your hand on your heart and your other hand
on your belly. That's really nice? Thank you.
Speaker 2 (01:03):
I'm rather Dabukiah and on my podcast A Really Good Cry,
we embrace the messy and the beautiful, providing a space
for raw, unfiltered conversations that celebrate vulnerability and allow you
to tune in to learn, connect and find comfort together.
Thank you so much for being on the podcast. I
am just obsessed with you and been such a big fan.
(01:24):
And I know I came on your podcast and you
were just the most incredible host. But I can't believe
you're on your tenth book? Are you joking? Gaby Bernstein?
Everyone is on her tenth book, and you're so many
things like I feel like you're a spiritual leader to
so many people. You've helped so many people make it
through different parts of their journeys in their life. And
(01:47):
I just think that the work that you've done, I
think there's only certain types of people that can do that,
is people who've really done the work themselves. And I
think that's what's so beautiful about your book is I
can really read and I can feel the work that
you've done to be able to speak on a topic
like that. And so I know we've known each other
for a while, but I want to take it back
(02:08):
because I realized I don't actually know how you started, Like, oh,
all of it.
Speaker 1 (02:12):
Go back, because I need to know, Okay, Roddie, I
first of all, I want to just say to you
that to reflect back to me that when you're reading
the book, you feel the work is really meaningful to me,
Because if we're going to go backwards, all I can
say is that for the last nineteen years, I have
been deeply devoted to the inner work more than anyone
(02:33):
I know, more than anyone I know, more than some
of the greatest spiritual teachers I've ever had. Not to
compare myself to anyone, but I've seen so many people
that have done great transformational work in the world, and
I think the greatest transformational work we can do is
on ourselves, definitely. And what does that look like like, Well, yeah,
to take you back, to take you back nineteen years,
(02:53):
but it's actually really this past October. Second, I just
celebrated nineteen years of sobriety. That's amazing, yes, And that
is really kind of That really is where my big
spiritual journey began. I was introduced to spirituality and personal
development and meditation as a child though so way before
(03:15):
I even got clean. And I was a kid, and
my mom would bring me to ashrums and I would
named by Gurumai and I was, you know, was sitting
in meditation with My mother taught to meditate when I
was twelve, really really taught to meditate. I was given
a meditation practice as a result of having a lot
of anxiety. My mom taught me. I would witness my
(03:36):
mother go into her room with incense and the mantras,
and I would just feel this really strange sense that
there was something happening that was magical in that room,
and she'd come out, and she'd be totally in a
different space. Yeah, because she would go in crazy and
come out come Yeah. And I think that the biggest,
the biggest part of my journey was that I really
(03:57):
lived a lot of life without knowing a lot of
who I was or what had happened to me as
a child. And so by the time I was twenty five,
I was running my From twenty one to twenty five,
I was running my own PR business, a nightlife PR business.
I was totally hooked on drugs and alcohol. I was
totally addicted to relationships, addicted to work, addicted to being seen,
(04:19):
just food issues like all of you name it, like
so multi addicted and how don't that lasso. I think
I was living with all forms of addiction up to
that point, but the drugs and the alcohol for me
thankfully brought me to my knees very quickly. So within
a two to three year period I was I went
from lots of drinking and partying to daily cocaine use,
(04:40):
which is such a gnarly drug that it will bring
you to your knees. It will it will either kill
you these days, it'll kill you right on the dot
because of the fent and all and everything else. And
so thank god that was what was happening when I
was using. It was just horrible that it is now.
But it brought me to my knees fast, and I
was but right away when I got twenty five, when
I turned twenty five, was sober. I very quickly started
(05:03):
to recollect those spiritual imprints that my mother had imprinted
on me, and I began meditating, and I awakened my
spiritual practice and started to develop a higher power of
my own, and I became such an incredible spiritual student.
Just would soak up everything and anything and reading metaphysical
texts and nurturing my connection to spirit and started to
(05:25):
channel and just became very very awakened. And in that
journey I started to teach very quickly, and so through
my journey of teaching spiritual personal development tools, I was
also very much healing myself. And I've been now you know,
ten books. So I started writing books in two thousand
and eight. But the big part of my story that
(05:46):
I think is very reflective of the work that's in
this tenth book, which is in self Help, my new book.
The big part of my story was that when I
was thirty six, I was ten years sober, I'd been
on Oprah, I'd written probably like six or seven books.
At this point, I was on stages all over the world.
I was at this place where you're on the outside
you'd be like, oh, she's got it together. She's a
(06:07):
self help author and she's a spiritual teacher. And I
was cracking. I was falling apart as having a mental breakdown,
only to have a dream. And in that dream, I
remembered sexual abuse from my childhood that I had completely
dissociated from.
Speaker 2 (06:24):
For thirty first time you had memory of it.
Speaker 1 (06:27):
Yeah, although if you, if anyone listening has had the
memories resurface of Trump trauma memories resurface, they know what
I'm about to say, which is you don't know, but
you know, there's always a sense of did something happen
to me? Or there's fragmented images that you might see,
or there's and then of course with that knowing or
(06:49):
not knowing, there's extreme explosive behaviors and patterns and protection
mechanisms that you build up to protect yourself from that
impro simple trauma. Yes, and so to give you to
this moment, the greatest part of my recovery in life
has been my trauma recovery and a huge element in
(07:11):
all kinds of somatic and sematic experiencing in EMDR and
EFT and I have had the privilege of having all
these great trauma therapies in my life and spiritual support.
But the greatest device for my healing was a therapy
called Internal Family Systems Therapy, and IFS is what has
(07:32):
informed my tenth book Self Help, which is where we
are today. And that therapy was so healing for me
that I befriended the founder. He became sort of my buddy,
my mentor. He guided me as I went and I
got to the practitioner training with the IFS Institute. I
was one of the last students to go through it.
(07:52):
That isn't actually a therapist, so they've stopped teaching it
to people. They've stopped training people who aren't therapists, which
I completelyunderstand. They're training in other ways, many other trainings though,
And so I've got the level two training. I'm like,
I've got this tool. I can use this in my work,
not one on one, but I was wanting to use
it in my lectures and my coaching and in my
(08:13):
podcast coaching. And then I realized, I got to write
a book about this. But I have to make it
self help, because not everyone's going to have the privilege
of getting an IFS therapist or finding their way to therapy,
or even having enough willingness to go do that work
in therapy. So I wrote this, I wrote the book
self Help.
Speaker 2 (08:31):
Wow, Well, thank you for sharing that, And I'm so
sorry that you had to go through something like that.
Speaker 1 (08:36):
Don't be sorry, because you want to know why I
am in the I am the happiest person I know.
I am in such a great place in my life.
I am literally so clear, so confident, I have so
much courage. I feel so great in this life right now,
in this moment. And if I hadn't lived all the
(08:56):
life experience that I've had, I wouldn't be right here.
Speaker 2 (09:00):
And that's such a beautiful thing to be able to say.
And only when someone has truly done the work and healed,
are you able to truly be able to say something
like that, especially after having been something so traumatic, when
you've been younger. Yes, So you mentioned the therapy that
this is all based around mention it again.
Speaker 1 (09:15):
So it's called internal family Systems therapy. It's also known
as IFS.
Speaker 2 (09:19):
IFS yes, IFS therapy, And so could you explain a
little bit around the IFS therapy because the first time
I heard about it was reading your book.
Speaker 1 (09:27):
Oh wow, great, Yeah, that's my hold that that's the
first time I had about it because here you are,
you know, like you and Jay are like this is
your space, and like this is your first time hearing
about it. So that's showing me that it's definitely my
duty to sort of light the fire under this and
really let people who wouldn't otherwise necessarily find this life
changing healing. Yeah, it's very in the zeitgeist right now,
(09:48):
so you're going to be healing hearing about it a
lot more and more and more. And it's been around
for forty three years maybe around that roughly, Doctor Richard
Schwartz was originally a family therapist, and then he started
working with women who were binging and Beliemeck, and he
found that these women were talking about these parts of themselves,
(10:11):
like a part of me wants to harm myself or
a part of me wants to shut down, and then
they also started speaking about this other part of themselves,
that part of me feels a lot of compassion for
this experience. And so he started to sort of rework it,
and through his systems, family training, and his intuition and
I believe higher power, he created a model that has
(10:34):
this premise that when we're children, we have these extreme experiences.
Some may be as extreme as mine or even far
more extreme, right, Or they may just be being bullied
by the big kid right, or being told you were
stupid by a teacher, or or all of the above
little impressions to begin, little impressions, or your dad just
(10:55):
wasn't around a lot because he was working, or mom
left dad, or you know, things that sometimes you might
be like, I had a really great upbringing, but you know,
they'll be like, but my dad was an alcoholic. You know, yeah,
you know, you don't always like even really equate it
because you just have normalized it. But the experiences from
our childhood imprint these wounds, frankly, and those experiences are
(11:17):
often so extreme that our child brain cannot handle it
or process it. And it's far too often the majority
of the time that we don't have an adult parent
or caregiver who can help us process it.
Speaker 2 (11:32):
Oh, we don't even know to express it, for someone
to help us throw it.
Speaker 1 (11:36):
Like, we have shame around it, whatever it might be.
It's too shameful. I mean, I have a six year old, right,
so I can see that when I I'm like, oh,
how do you feel about the kid in the class
that wasn't nice? We don't want to talk about mommy.
It's fine, you know what I mean, he likes me.
Speaker 2 (11:49):
You know.
Speaker 1 (11:49):
It's just too much shame that it won't even come
to the surface. So these young parts of us that
were so traumatized very young became exiled. And that's an
IFS called the exiles. Okay, So they're like these impermissible,
huge feelings of terror and fear and shame, and they're
just we're just deppressed, suppressed, and we subconsciously are like,
(12:13):
I never want to feel that again. So at a
very young age, we start to build up these protectors,
protection mechanisms.
Speaker 2 (12:20):
I loved hearing about this in your book.
Speaker 1 (12:22):
Yes, so the protectors are all the ways that we
learned how to cope with those horrible feelings as little children. Right.
So for my son's example, right, he was three years old,
he went into a class, a Montessori class was three
year olds and six year olds. There was a six
year old in the class, and he was obsessed with him.
He only wanted to be friends with the six year old,
(12:43):
and the six year old was like, I hate you.
I want to have nothing to do with you, and
I you know, kids are mean, right, and also like
what is the six year old want of people? And
with a three year old for you know, like they don't.
It's just he's like, I don't want to be around you.
And he was bullying him a little bit, but natural
stuff that happens. But this sent in and press my
son that said to him, the only way to make
(13:03):
myself feel good enough and protect myself from that feeling
is to always be the boss R. And so even
to this day, three years later, I see in my
son that he has a protector part that's like, I'm
the boss. When new people come around, he'll go grab
his NERF gun and he'll walk around with his NERF gun, which,
by the way, I would never wanted to give him,
but eventually you just give it to them because then
(13:24):
you think they'll get over it. But like or some
like weapon, they I'll have a sword with him. He
walks around with it when new people around because he
needs to be the boss, right And it's this misguided
believe that I'm not the boss, I don't belong. And
so that's an example of a moment in time, not
that big a deal, but it was extreme for him,
and he didn't have a process that and even with
(13:45):
mom it was Gabby Bernstein. It was a lot. And
so we're still processing it, you know. And so it
told him I'm going to protect myself by being a boss.
So that was a protector part that was established for
this little guy. Okay, so imagine the more extreme things
that have and we build up these protectors. You know,
we weren't loved as kids. I'm going another protector could
(14:05):
be I'm going to be a perfectionist, so nobody ever
has to so I feel good enough, or I'm going
to control everything because they didn't feel safe at that time.
High that's me, And so that becomes this way that
we manage our big, impermissible feelings. And so the good
news is that, well, let's talk about the tough news. First,
(14:26):
most of us are living our lives in these protector
parts were when something gets when that childhood feeling gets triggered,
we go right into a control We go into you know,
some kind of trauma response. Right, so it's going to
be judgment or it's going to be you know, freaking out,
or ways of protecting, being the boss, whatever it might be.
Those are called manager protectors, where we're just kind of
(14:47):
keeping it together. But those managers aren't working. It gets
to really extreme levels, and those are called the firefighter protectors.
And that's like drug addiction or love addiction, because the
pain is so big that we have to put out
the fire. So internal family, we have an inner family
of lots of little children inside of us, these locked up,
(15:09):
little exile, traumatized kids, and these protection mechanisms that are
literally like little children running our fucking lives.
Speaker 2 (15:17):
You know what this is reminding me of? Did you
watch the show with Tom Holland.
Speaker 1 (15:21):
What's the show?
Speaker 2 (15:22):
You have to watch it? Do you know what the
show is called? Tom Holland's it's literally what you are
saying right now, is that a cartoon? No? No, no,
it's a really it's like it's a drama. Its specifically
speaking about basically this where he's and in that they
say that he's schizophrenic, but really what he has is
every single thing that's happened to him as he has
(15:42):
grown up. You realize at the end that he's actually
created these people, these personalities that he becomes as protective
mechanisms to the trauma that he's had. So every time
he's in that situation, this protected person, which eventually you
see them inside his heart. You see all these little people,
and each one represents a different pain or trauma that
(16:04):
he has created. This personality or this person he's speaking to,
that's protecting him, that's with him, that's his safety blanket
that he is turning into or speaking as there you go, and.
Speaker 1 (16:16):
I have to guess that it's based on ifs.
Speaker 2 (16:19):
Yes, and from everything you're saying, I'm sure, I'm sure
the crowded.
Speaker 1 (16:23):
Room, I'm sure it's based on ifs it has to be.
And it's not like this is an uncommon under awareness,
but the idea that we're not one mono human, right,
this is what Dick Schwartz teaches, but that we have
multiple types of protection mechanisms that are little children inside
of us. And it's a very non pathologizing way of
(16:43):
looking at yourself. Right, It's like, I'm not a schizophrenic
as a lots of parts of me, I'm not a
drug addict. I just have a protection mechanism that's called
a drug addict that that puts out the fire with
the drugs because it's too scary to live in this world.
Speaker 2 (16:55):
And I love that because I do think that nowadays
everything has just gotten so much much smaller and smaller,
and minds have just gone smaller and smaller, where you
just can't believe that someone can be have duality, that
someone can be both happy as you were but still
have trauma, that someone can be a self help teacher
and philosopher. And I've done a lot of work but
(17:17):
still have a lot of work to do. And I
think that is that what you're explaining I think would
help one where if people learned it, even if they
don't have to use the therapy for me. It makes
me think, Oh, like my friend who drinks a little
bit too much, or my friend who has these sudden
outbursts in this specific way, or my mum or my sister,
(17:37):
whatever it is, it's making me understand them so much
more just by you saying that. And I'm looking at
my life and I'm thinking, oh, wow, when I have this.
There are some times when to my husband, to J
I'll be like, I'll have this sudden response that's really
bigger than it ever needs to be. I'm like, why
do I respond to him in that way? Because what
he's saying actually isn't triggering, and what he's saying and
(17:59):
the way he's saying it isn't triggering at all. But
the way I've reacted it's way larger than what he
was saying.
Speaker 1 (18:04):
It's way bigger.
Speaker 2 (18:06):
And the only thing I can think of there is like, oh,
it's definitely And I've broken some of those down for myself,
where you know, if I'm if he's even if he's
trying to help me in some way, my automatic response
is I can do it myself. I can do it,
like you don't need to do it for me, I
can do it myself. And at first for him that
was like, wait, I'm just trying to help you, like
I actually love you and I'm trying to help you.
(18:27):
For me, I interpret it as people didn't think I
could do anything by myself when I was younger, So
now I have to show that I can do this
all by myself. And so I don't want your help.
I don't want you to promote this. I don't want
you to do this for me. I want to do
it by myself and I don't want your help. And
so that so when you're saying that, that's the first
thing that came to my mind. I was like, I
would never understand why I would have that response to
(18:48):
someone who's just trying to pour love into me, and
that would be my response. And so I'm like, oh, wow,
that was my protective mechanism or me trying to suppress
something that I haven't yet worked through, and that's how
it's coming out of me.
Speaker 1 (19:00):
Do you want to check in with that part? We
don't have to go deep deep, we can just have
a conversation with it. Yesday. So this is the step
that I've created in the book. Yeah, this is now
we'll teach it, and it's actually not meant to go
to the exile. It's not meant to go to like
like it'll the young memories might come through, but that's
not what I'm trying to do here. This is an
IFS informed self help book. And before we go into it,
(19:23):
I have to really tell you the most important part,
which is that we have these little children that are
kind of controlling and running our lives and they're always
on high alert. But we also have an internal parent.
We also have an adult resourced, undamaged self with a
capital S. It self is compassionate. It's eight C qualities. Compassion,
(19:47):
the energy the essence of compassion, connection, courage, confidence, clarity, creativity,
calm and connected. Think I said already that.
Speaker 2 (20:00):
Sounds like all the things where in our scriptures it
talks about our super soul, and it's like the the
part of us that is as deeply connected to the
universe to God. So like there's this small spark in
us that has all of that that embraces it's all loving,
all kind, all compassionate, and we all have that seated
in us, but it's just covered up with all the
(20:23):
layers and layers and layers of material existence.
Speaker 1 (20:25):
And so you just nailed it. Which is there's a
beautiful quote in the book that I quote one of
an I F. S teacher and it talks about how
the sun is self, and.
Speaker 2 (20:39):
I just loved it. Yeah, it's the sun. The self
is the sun behind the clouds. The sun always the
Self always exists, but it is just behind the clouds.
Even though we can't see the sun, we know it's
always there. Just like the sun. The self isn't something
we have to find, It's already there. We just have
to let ourselves be revealed from behind the clouds of
(21:01):
our protect is. I loved that.
Speaker 1 (21:03):
I have to remember who was at We'll say we'll
pick it up. I'll pick it up because I want
to make sure that I give him all the credit.
But I mean, there it is.
Speaker 2 (21:11):
It is beautiful there. It is so true.
Speaker 1 (21:13):
And his point is, it's the self is the Sun
behind the clouds. We have access to it at all times.
It's always there, but we've built up these protection mechanisms
like a wall that block that presence or the clouds
that block the light. And so when we do what
we're about to do together, of course, if you took
it further and did it in IFS therapy. Particularly starting
(21:35):
here with the self help check in process, which is
what I'm calling it, you begin to release that cloud
and reveal the presence of self. Now this is a
four step process, but now you understand why the book
is called self Help. Self be there to help your
little parts. You have an inner parent. And this right here,
(21:57):
right now, Roddy, is why I'm so happy. It's everything,
it's all my sober recovery, it's all kinds of therapy,
but it's really this practice living in this way, knowing
that I'm not alone, knowing that I can tend to
these inner parts of myself in any given moment and
redirect and reorganize my energy. It's the greatest gift of
my life.
Speaker 2 (22:17):
And I just love that you've turned into something that
like I am assuming this four step process is the
process people have to go through every time they come
across something like this. But the fact that I can
do it with you now, but the fact that people
can do it at home by themselves, that I have
it as their constant check in process every time they
feel something like this happened, Like it's just such a
beautiful thing that you've created for people to have at
(22:39):
home as a mechanism to cope versus maybe turning to
something else.
Speaker 1 (22:44):
And a way to befriend every part of who you
are instead of shaming yourself, blaming yourself, or overriding the
protection mechanism with another protection mechanism. Right, So it's like
you might be protected, you know, protector rage and then
later be in protector judgment of yourself and then being
protector or addict because you don't like the judgment and
(23:05):
it's just going from to protect or to protect or
to protect her living so blended in that way. But
this practice teases it out in the moment and gives
you that distance between the trigger and the response, and
it allows you space to be present with the feeling
and the experience and be curious about that part of you,
(23:28):
to give it some space to soften. And the more
you habitually practice that, the more second nature it becomes,
the more you learn to rely on that self energy
inside God.
Speaker 2 (23:40):
I feel like we need it so much now, more
than ever, because I think we're so used to being
so stimulated and having such immediate reactions and receiving immediate
reactions to things that sitting in something is not you know,
whether it's you writing something on your Instagram story when
you're angry about something, or whether it's message your friends
(24:00):
as soon as something happens, or calling someone or there's
just so many options of how you can how you
can have a lash out or have your feelings expressed
in a very extreme way before you've even had time
to sit and process it. And I think having that moment,
I think having this practice allows people to have that
moment by themselves, without anybody else's view, opinion, thoughts being
(24:25):
shoved into their mind when they're in a vulnerable state
or when they're in an impressionable state, which is usually
when we're in those emotions. We are in those states.
Speaker 1 (24:34):
When we're in those emotions, we are in those states,
and we are blended with the part. Right. So you
said this beautifully before, which is that we can we
can speak. We can learn how to speak for these parts,
not as them. So the next time that that thing
happens with Jay, we're going to work on it now. YEA,
the next time that thing happens with Jay, you can say, WHOA,
(24:57):
I'm noticing I'm feeling that feeling again, and I want
to just say it and name it. And maybe it's
nothing to do with you. Maybe it is and I
don't know, let's let me tease it up. But you
could have that awareness, or you can step away and
just say I'm gonna go check in the bathroom and
you guys are going checking it all over the place
or whatever feels like you need in that moment. Okay,
(25:20):
So how would you call that protector or was there
like a way that you would reference it or it's
sort of I want to do it myself protector.
Speaker 2 (25:27):
Yeah, it's like the prove yourself like protect yourself. Okay, Yeah,
probably beautiful.
Speaker 1 (25:34):
So this is a beautiful opportunity to Step one choose
to check in.
Speaker 2 (25:40):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (25:41):
And the reason that Step one is choose to check
in is because we can't like a little kid, right
when you have a kid, you're gonna get this. I mean,
you're gonna call me like how do I do this?
So my son if I if I see he's agitated
about something and I'm like, so Allie, like let's talk
about it. He well, I don't want to. I need
his buy in. Usually it's like right before bed, always
(26:04):
like those are the mudget or it's you know, when
we're in the car driving, and so I need that
that can't be in the heated moment necessarily the wolves correct,
So you have there has to be a crack that's
been opening, and so that choice is going to be
there when you take that for a step, because you're
going to be have enough separation or enough awareness, or
(26:26):
enough desire or enough willingness to witness and say, oh no,
I just went into that trigger again. Okay, I'm going
to choose to check in. That's step one, and without
that buy in, the parts of us will get really agitated,
kids like children.
Speaker 2 (26:40):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (26:41):
Step two is curiosity. So I'll ask the questions to you,
but really you're asking them to your part myself. Okay,
So first, just maybe even close your eyes if you
feel comfortable, and just tune your attention inward. Notice if
you have access at this moment to that what did
(27:03):
we say? What did we call it? Again? Prove yourself
protect your self protector. And as you focus your attention
a little bit on this, prove your self protector. If
there's anything physical sensations that you notice, you can speak
for them. Yeah, but it's suffocating suffocating great, okay, and
any thoughts, ideas, sensations.
Speaker 2 (27:26):
It definitely feels very childlike, like it's not an adult emotion.
It's very like immediate and almost like not tantrumy, but
it feels that way like it will be very it
will be irrational a little bit. It feels rational, but
I know in my adult self that it's irrational. Okay.
Speaker 1 (27:50):
If there's any images, thoughts, sensations, anything it wants us
to know.
Speaker 2 (27:53):
Oh, it definitely takes me. My trigger is definitely school
and education, Okay, always has been for this emotion.
Speaker 1 (28:03):
Anything else it wants us to know.
Speaker 2 (28:10):
A younger child thing like from like being the younger
child in my family, having a lot of intelligent cousins
and sisters around me, and that was definitely a big part.
Speaker 1 (28:20):
But right, okay, Yeah, I think there's are like beautiful,
really good, really nice, nice druggle Okay. And then the
third step is to compassionately connect to this part. So
this is where you might check it. Do you feel
like you have a connection to it in this moment? Yeah,
definitely great, So checking in with the part, ask it
(28:42):
what it needs, let me think, well, let me feel, yeah, exactly,
don't think too much what it needs.
Speaker 2 (28:51):
I think it needs me to let go mm hmm, yeah,
let go of things that are like, aren't relevant anymore.
Speaker 1 (29:02):
Okay, okay, beautiful and now if we yeah, beautiful, already
beautiful and feel that right now with me, don't don't
override it. Be with me. I'm with you completely, and
I'm with the part. And notice how you feel in
this moment this is the four step.
Speaker 2 (29:22):
A bit vulnerable, Yeah, definitely, like an emotion that I
found difficult to work through.
Speaker 1 (29:33):
Perfect, Perfect? Do you feel? How do you feel towards
that part of you?
Speaker 2 (29:43):
A bit like it's been around for longer than it should,
like if it doesn't feel as relevant anymore, but I
he like it's there's smaller parts of it that I
hold on to when that's not who I am anymore.
Speaker 1 (29:56):
So can you just try on something with me which
you just poast your hand on your heart and your
other hand on your belly and just breathe with me
for a moment and just real deep breath in and
out and just give it some presents, give the part
a little bit of presence and breath. Really, just give
it some deep breaths. Just breathe with it another moment,
(30:25):
just let it know that it's totally safe here with
me and you, and let it know that I'm really
excited to get to know it, and I'm really happy.
Let it know anything else that you want it to know. Okay,
(30:47):
you can just take another deep breath and just let
it let it know you're here. That's really nice. Thank
you you did it.
Speaker 2 (30:58):
That was really powerful. That was really really powerful. I
feel like sometimes even with the smaller emotions, when you
end up having them. One thing I've realized is with
even emotions like this, where it may not affect me
every single day, or it does in smaller ways, but
even if it doesn't, when you end up addressing it,
you automatically feel like even something small because you've suppressed
(31:19):
it constantly or haven't worked through it fully, it feels
really big in the moment. So when you're like addressing it,
what you said at the beginning, like you have to
choose to buy into it. At first, I was like,
I really don't want to do it. Like in my mind,
I honestly was like, oh God, and know I'm gonna cry.
I know this is what's going to I know what
my emotions are going to get heightened, because that's how
I feel in the moment when someone's asking me questions
(31:39):
or it's getting triggered. But it's definitely a process of
like getting extremely vulnerable with yourself where you don't like
to go like that's the it was really uncomfortable.
Speaker 1 (31:50):
First of all, you're very good at these steps because
you have such strong awareness already. Right, You've done a
tremendous manner work on yourself. You know yourself, right. But
what I think is so beautiful is that the way
that you just defined exactly what I think most people's
protector is is the fear of that vulnerability. How do
(32:11):
you feel about the How do you feel right now now?
Speaker 2 (32:14):
I feel definitely relieved because I've let the emotion flow.
If I hadn't, I would have probably cried throughout the
episode in some way because it would have built up
or pen up in me. But also that it's an
easier process than I thought to work through it in
that moment versus having an irrational response to something like
(32:36):
this feels a lot clearer and cleaner, Like my mind
feels clearer.
Speaker 1 (32:41):
So clarity is one of the c qualities itself. Yeah,
so you let self help.
Speaker 2 (32:48):
Amazing.
Speaker 1 (32:51):
That was a really so imagine a world where when
you have those moments or that awareness, whether it's in
the moment or it's three days later, it does not
matter that you're had a part that's present and it
needs some attention, and you just choose to check in
step one, become curious, Step two compassionately connect by asking
(33:15):
what do you need? Step three and step four check
for c's, check for those c qualities. So what I
did it with you? But I was like, and then
you got into the place where you said, I feel clear, Yeah,
there's your quality. That is your sign that self energy
has come through, and it's a sign. And so these steps,
this is not IFS. IFS is very different. This is
(33:38):
IFS informed. Okay, i FS is going to take you
on a very different journey because you have a therapist
with you, holding you. This is a much This is
a very safe and contained Richard Schwartz, the founder of IFS,
very approved model for doing this for yourself right. And
the beauty of it is that you can befriend that
part of yourself. You can begin to establish relationship with
(34:03):
that part of yourself so that she doesn't have to
run the show she doesn't have to flow about and
instead she can feel seen because what she wants to
feel seen. But who does she need to feel seen by? Yeah? Yeah, right,
so true And as soon as she feels that truthful,
be this will change your life. This will change change
(34:23):
everything about your life.
Speaker 2 (34:25):
It's also like the heaviness of you think that then
even if they feel like smaller things and to the
grand scale of what people can go through, what my
emotion is is somewhat small. But what I've realized is
that these little small things that you carry, like you
pick them up along the way, and if you're not
letting them go as you got to, like, you feel
so heavy. And it's not a physical heavy, it's like
(34:48):
you have heavy, heavy emotional emotions. It's like a heaviness
that you feel in your heart every time it's happening.
So even this release that I just had with you
for me, I'm like, had I not done that now,
it would have kept building and building and building, and
then the release would have felt so much more dramatic. Yeah,
And I just think that that it's because we we
(35:09):
pent up these emotions over and over again, and these
traumas that you're talking about over and over again, and
without releasing one, all you're doing is adding to the
weight of it all over and over again.
Speaker 1 (35:20):
Think about how little kids manage their feelings. Right, they tantrum,
they they or if they shut down, right, they hide,
or they you know, let it all out, it burst.
Speaker 2 (35:32):
Right.
Speaker 1 (35:33):
That's how we that's how we are. We are running.
It does not shoulder your adulthood, and it's not. It
really doesn't, because we get stuck in time and we
become stuck in that pattern and that behavior and that
behaviors and these protection mechanisms because the only way we
can feel safe. So it's shifted your energy here right now,
you're in clarity. We can be more connected, you can
(35:53):
feel more calm later. So that self energy that you
established in this moment can carry you. Also gives you
this spiritual proof that there is help inside.
Speaker 2 (36:03):
Yeah, that's so true.
Speaker 1 (36:04):
That's the power and that's confidence.
Speaker 2 (36:06):
Like I always think about that every time I work
through different parts of me, it increases the love and
confidence that I feel, and then that spreads into different
parts of my life, and then that spreads into my relationships,
and then that spreads into the other people I interact with.
On the street. It's like, it's such a knock on
effect of what you just said. As soon as you
(36:26):
feel you can help yourself and someone else isn't doing
it for you, and someone else isn't the savior in
your life. Whatever it is that you can do it
for yourself, it's just a completely different experience.
Speaker 1 (36:38):
You nailed it, Yeah, because confidence is a sea equality.
So when you start to let these qualities of confidence, courage, curiosity, right, clarity, yeah, creativity,
when we let these sea qualities start to come forward,
they have a massive ripple effect because when you start
(37:02):
to develop that self energy, it starts to get really
big in your life. And so you walk in the
door and people are like, I don't know why that
girl makes me feel really good? Yeah, and you have
the energy, by the way, but you know, thank you
very much, and it's the self help work. It's period
end of story, right, because it can feel I mean,
if you'd met me five years ago and Jay's known
me for you know, eleven twelve years, like a really
(37:25):
long time, and when he knew me, then he knows
a different woman.
Speaker 2 (37:28):
You know.
Speaker 1 (37:28):
Jay and Lewis are like my brothers because they knew
me at a time when I was had a lot
of self like qualities, but it was it was intermittent, right,
and it wasn't And I had a lot of purpose
and had a lot of love in my heart, but
I wasn't. It wasn't integrated. Yeah, and that's just because
I was on the path and I'm still on the path.
I did self help check in last night, and I
(37:50):
totally changed my life around, completely changed my day around.
I had the most The other thing is is, you
know people want to talk about manifesting, like, if you
want to manifest, do self help, honey.
Speaker 2 (38:02):
Right.
Speaker 1 (38:02):
It's like when you heal here, that confident energy, that
courageous energy, that compassionate energy, that calm present is what
makes you a super attractor.
Speaker 2 (38:12):
Oh my gosh.
Speaker 1 (38:12):
And that you know.
Speaker 2 (38:13):
I've been talking to my team actually about the manifesting
stuff because I was saying to them that you have
to be so careful and you know, on to what
you were saying about doing the self help. When you're
trying to manifest and you're you don't have clarity in
what you actually want, you will manifest something you do
not want in your life. And so I was talking
about this to do with things that I'm you know,
(38:35):
been been dipping my feet in with work. And yesterday
I said to one of the girls, I was like, fundamentally,
it is not making me feel happy, like it is
not I thought I wanted it. And the funny thing is,
last year I was talking about it so much I
was I was putting it, putting the words into my
life of this is what I want to happen next year,
And funnily enough, a year later, it happened.
Speaker 1 (38:57):
That's that thing.
Speaker 2 (38:58):
Happened, and I'm in it, and I could keep dipping
my feet in it, and I was like, it is
not it's happened. But actually I was not in a
clear place last year when I started deciding I wanted
to do this. So it's happened, but it's actually not
something I want. And now I've realized it's not what
I want because the more I'm dipping my feet in it,
the more I realize how unhappy it's making me. And
(39:20):
so it's so interesting because because I didn't have the
clarity then what I manifested in my life, whether it's
in by the way, this is the case in relationships,
in work, in your personal life, in everything if you
are not in clarity when you start to decide what
you want in your life, you will end up manifesting
something and realizing, actually, my dream has come true, but
(39:43):
it wasn't really the dream I wanted. And it's been
a really this week has been a big reflective week
for and I've been like, wow, I just that is
not who I want, what I want to be known for,
That's not who I want to be. And I'm going
to have to take my toes out of that water.
Speaker 1 (39:58):
It tows out because but there's clarity right there. Yes,
that's clarity right there. Oh you know, that's actually not
what I want anymore. Yeah, that's cool right. And And
the thing is is that we're just living in this
life where we're unlearning fear and remembering the love of
who we.
Speaker 2 (40:14):
Are, unlearning fear and remembering the love of who we are.
Speaker 1 (40:19):
Yeah, it's this is our classroom, right, These these moments
of wreckage are our assignments. We have a choice in
this lifetime. Are we going to show up for them
or we're going to play small? Are we going to
stay stuck? Are we going to feel the burdens of
these parts of us and the beautiful thing that happens
is that when you start to befriend these parts of
(40:39):
yourself and you start to have this kind of relief
and you start to feel self presence come through the
parts of you don't have to go away, right, Like
my controlling part gets a lot done. Yeah, yeah, for
for a lot of time, even in her darkest moments,
she did a lot of good work. You know, she
wrote ten books in fourteen years. Right, She's served a
lot of And so you can still be going through
(41:02):
really difficult times and do really good things. And that's
really important because not everybody's going to be feeling the
freedom I'm feeling in this moment in a week. But
you can feel that freedom and that light can enter in,
and that light can enter in, and that light can
enter in, and it really adds up and you can
doing beautiful things in your life even when you're going
through tough stuff.
Speaker 2 (41:21):
How do you This is the kind of off topic question,
but it just came to mind. How did you go
through all of those things while you were also helping
other people and not feel like you, like, aren't being
truthful to them? Does that make sense?
Speaker 1 (41:33):
Like, because I was always telling the truth because whatever
stage I was at in my teaching was where I
was at in my learning. Yeah, yes, okay, So at
the time when I was most you know, when I
didn't remember the trauma, but I was just looking for
answers and I was finding it through metaphysics, that's what
(41:55):
I was teaching. I was finding my safety through specific yoga,
That's what I was teaching. Yeah, I was finding you
know when I in these in these through breath work,
and that's what I was teaching. And every book I
have shows you. This shows you the journey. All ten
books show you fourteen years of spiritual recovery because each
(42:16):
level is the level that I was at. And I
always write my books for myself first. Yeah, that's that's
such good advice. I always fine.
Speaker 2 (42:24):
I think there's a difference between how you feel and
always the perception of other people and then well how
they view as and you can't change that. Like I
can keep saying I'm a beginner in this, but if
you see me as an expert, I can't change. I
can keep telling someone I'm a beginner, but I think
it's really difficult when the perception is for example, if
you meditate, if you're someone who meditates, no one expects
(42:45):
you to have road rage. Let's just give that as
an example. It's like, if you are showing that you meditate,
no one expects you to send a voice note back
to someone who's just been rude to you and schooling
them on that. You know, what I'm trying to say
is there's a perception that people can have of you,
no matter how much you share where you're at, if
they want to perceive you in a certain way, you
(43:05):
can't control that. It's just the narrative.
Speaker 1 (43:08):
Yeah, I think if you're telling the truth and you're
that's all you have to that's all that matters. And
other people are always going to put pretenses and projections
onto you. They're gonna they're going to idolize you, They're
going to shame you. It's just the nature of the
world that we live in. But the realities if you're
good with you, yeah, straight on your side, the street
is clean, whatever. Yeah.
Speaker 2 (43:31):
What do you think is the biggest of the biggest
hurdles you mentioned, you know, changing passions? What do you
think are the biggest hurdles that people have to actually
one make change and then be able to sustain the
change of passions, beautiful.
Speaker 1 (43:45):
Question, Well, making the change. I think the biggest hurdle
is the absolute terror of facing into these exiles right
or even slightly textrating into recognizing that there's a protection mechanism,
which is why in the book, I don't want to
work with these firefighter addicts or any of the exiles.
I just want to work with the managers, right, Like
I want to work with the parts of you that are,
(44:06):
you know, controlling your life in that moment. I want
to work with the parts of you that are a perfectionist. Yeah,
I want. I want you to start to get to
know the day to day protection mechanisms so that you
can just soften them a touch, and then if you
start to feel some relief, you might be like, hmm,
this is kind of working. Let me go where Gabby
told me to go to the IFS Institute and find
a therapist, or or I go find that coach that's
(44:27):
going to help me, whatever that might be. But you
start with yourself, you start being your own inner healer,
and then you can know what the next right actions that.
Speaker 2 (44:36):
Yeah, I completely agree, and I feel like with the
different parts of you know, I think one of the
reasons that people end up not being able to stick
to patterns or change. Is that feeling of not thinking
you even.
Speaker 1 (44:49):
Can, Like, yes, you know, this is why it's so
exciting right now, right you just showed them that you can.
So there's a four step practice that you just got
relief from. You gave everyone watching spiritual proof that there's
a four step practice that can give you relief in
the moment, and so that in itself is healing. That
(45:09):
proof is healing. This isn't just we're not just talking
around an idea. We're not just like, hey, here's the
new trick that you can try, or this is the
new thing that somebody suggested. You showed them that relief
is on the other side of this four steps And
if you want a little bit of relief every day,
four step check in. And in the book there's ways
(45:29):
I said, you know, journaling check ins, I have prayer
based check ins, I have meditative check ins. Every chapter
has a check in. And there's also a chapter called
Anxious Parts, all dedicated to the anxiety as a protector.
Body Parts is another chapter, how our somatic, our physical
experience is a protector.
Speaker 2 (45:49):
Right.
Speaker 1 (45:49):
The work of doctor John sarnaw how our back pain
is protecting our impermissible rage.
Speaker 2 (45:54):
But don't you think it takes like a whole lot,
Like I think the first step to wanting to change
is you need a small amount of well either it's
rock bottom or it's you need a small amount of
at least of self love or love for yourself to
want to change, because you have to want to be
a better person or you have to love the future
version of yourself to be able to want to take
(46:17):
steps towards change. So for someone who feels like they
really are struggling with their worth with with love for themselves, like,
what are the first steps that people should start taking
to really create that feeling of like worth in themselves.
Speaker 1 (46:34):
Well, the thing is this, the work only works if
you want to do the work, and you don't need
a lot of willingness, but you need a slight willingness. Yeah, right,
you need a little mustard seed of willingness because that
mustard's willingness will be like hmmm, let me go listen
to that podcast with Gabby and Riddy, right, or hmm,
maybe I'll pick up that book called self help, right, yeah,
(46:54):
But the nice thing about this book in particular is
like it says what it is on the chin, you're
either in or you're out. And so I know that
anyone that's picked this book up opened the first page,
whether it was given to them or they purchased it themselves,
if they opened that page, then they're willing because it's
telling you point blank what this is. Yeah.
Speaker 2 (47:15):
Yeah, you're choosing to self help.
Speaker 1 (47:17):
You're opening a self help book. It says, called self help.
And I think that, Look, not everybody's going to get
there in this lifetime. But if anyone who is here
right now watching and listening to us, they're here. They
wouldn't be listening if they weren't here. Yeah, So congratulations people, Yeah,
well done.
Speaker 2 (47:32):
You showed up What was some of your protectors or
that were coming up for you, like the ways that
it showed up for you in your life.
Speaker 1 (47:43):
Okay, So I've named them, Yeah, very intimate with them.
There was the cocaine addict. There was the and I
say it was because she's been clean and sober, but
I still recognize as a as a recovering cocaine addict.
There's the controller who now is not in her extreme role,
but she's still around because you know what, I got
(48:04):
lots of good things happening, and I got to keep
control over all of these balls in the air.
Speaker 2 (48:08):
Right.
Speaker 1 (48:08):
So she's doing it, and she's like calling her assistant
and she's like, I love you. Can you do me
a favor and just make like five phone calls so
we can move that flight so I can be there
at this time. And she's thinking and getting shit done.
She's getting herself on the plane, and she's getting herself
home to make the dinner, and she's got a little
bit of control. And it's good.
Speaker 2 (48:24):
Actually, Yeah, I like how you're sharing what it was
and now how it's still there but it's not burdened.
Speaker 1 (48:30):
Yes, these parts flourish when they're in there, when they're
no longer burdened. Yes, these parts of us become their
greatest assets. I've read one of them was your wlkoholic workaholic.
She does not she she doesn't exist. She just thrives
because she loves her work. So she can be here
(48:51):
with you and then fly home tomorrow and then maybe
on the plane write a little bit of the next
book that she's working on. But she's not a work ahole.
She's not harming herself she's in a flow, she's asking
for help. The biggest one for me that I still
work with today is the part of me that has
a belief that if I don't do it, nobody else
(49:13):
will yes. And that's the little girl right who lived
in a world where she couldn't control anything, where she
had so much fear and rage and she and she'd
no caregiver that was making her feel safe, and so
she just had to take care of herself. And so
that belief is something I've been working with tremendously. I've
been even two nights ago, just like checking in with her,
(49:36):
listening to her. And the more I work with her,
the more I can let other people help. The more
I can let my husband, who I work with as well,
I can let him just take the lead. I can
just see a vision of a future where I don't
have my hand in certain things. I sat with one
of my employees this morning and he flew in from
San Francisco, and I looked at him and I was like,
(49:58):
I'm so excited to give all this to you, because
my vision is that you can just play with all
this and I can stem step away. These are huge things. Yeah,
she's run the show for a long time.
Speaker 2 (50:09):
She's run the show for a long time. I feel
like with in New Year, people end up sticking, like
they end up committing to a lot of new goals
and new patterns and trying to keep them consistent. How
does someone who and I think what happens is usually
even my gym trainers tell me this. They're like, it's
so busy at the beginning of January and then suddenly
(50:29):
it quietens down and is just the regulars. How does
someone stop? Because I noticed for myself when I stick,
when I start committing to a pattern or a new
habit and then I somehow end up having a break
in it, or I don't end up committing to it
that day. You go into like this spiral, which is
like a shame spiral that stops you then from going
back to that pattern because you're like, oh, okay, well
(50:50):
I didn't do it for the last three days. Do
I even deserve to go back to it? Do you
know that I'm out with dueling right now and I'm
getting so shamed? Duo is like Shito is like, where
the fuck are you? I did?
Speaker 1 (51:00):
I did thirty three hundred days of duo and then
I fell off a day and then now it's like
every two days. Now you feel like me back down
to this like low level where it's like, oh, lamas
ass and I'm like, what like I am I, and
it's it's messing with my brain. So yes, and I
think that the real message here is that I believe
(51:22):
in small shifts for big change. And so if you
can make the commitment to do one check in a
day for two minutes, right or read a page a day,
if that'd be my work, whatever work it is that
you like to do, you know, if it's five pages
of journaling a day, if it's just listening to your
Jay on the podcast right like these are, there's a
spiritual transmission. If you miss a day indications, just jump
(51:45):
right back in, just jump right it back in.
Speaker 2 (51:47):
It's weird that we shame ourselves and that we literally
it's it's it's hard because your mind is shaming you
for not doing it, but then it's also stopping you
from doing it in the next few days or the
week after, all the month after, so you almost jeopardize
it's self sabotage in one way because you're telling yourself
you didn't do it today. But that means you shouldn't
do it tomorrow or the next day or the next day.
Speaker 1 (52:09):
It's also remember it's a protector. So when we get
into that pattern of just some of it, some of
its protector and some of it's just sort of well,
protectors are habits, right. Protectors are habitual behaviors, and so
to undo the habitual behavior of the rage or undo
the control, it is about doing something different, right, And
(52:32):
I think that if someone just hears me say, it's
never too late to start again, period and do one
minute a day, one small thing a day.
Speaker 2 (52:43):
You know.
Speaker 1 (52:43):
I have my Gabby Coaching app. It's a membership app,
and it's the first thing you do is pull a card.
You pull an affirmation card. We'll pull on for you today.
The second thing you do is you land on the
home screen and it's two minute practice.
Speaker 2 (52:55):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (52:55):
Now, there's long meditations in there. There's ten, you know,
thirteen fifteen minute sessions to our talks. But it's all
I'm asking is to pull an affirmation into it and
listen to a two minute practice. That's it, and that's enough.
And that simplicity, I think, is where people are at.
It's what people need and then you're like, Okay, well
I fell off, but I can just do two minutes, right.
Speaker 2 (53:15):
What do you Is there anything else from the book
that you feel like people would really benefit from hammering
now or do they just really have to go read
it and through the whole thing.
Speaker 1 (53:22):
Well they do. Here's the thing. If they're still listening
and they're still here, then I think that's a sign.
The subtitle of this book is this is your Chance
to change your life I have. This is my tenth book.
I have been on the front lines of personal growth
and spiritual development for nineteen years. I have moved through addiction,
I've moved through repressed trauma, I've moved through extreme trauma
(53:46):
with birthing, and I carried a child for almost six months.
I released that child. I've lived life. I've had my traumas.
And the reason I have had the resilience and the
joy that I can live in now and the faith
no matter what, is because I've worked my spiritual and
personal development like a muscle. I built the muscle every
(54:07):
single day, every single day. And so if someone's looking
at you and me and they're like, I want what
they have, or I want that feeling, or I want
to just feel from freedom or relief, then here's an answer.
Here's the solution. If I'm resonating, if it's resonating, or
whether it's again, I always say, like, whether it's my
book or anyone else, just take that first step. Just
(54:27):
just just press order or open the page. Take the
first step.
Speaker 2 (54:32):
Thank you so much. This was honestly such a phenomenal episode,
and this conversation was so useful for me, and I
can't even imagine how many other people it's going to help.
So thank you.
Speaker 1 (54:44):
Dial and we can just check.
Speaker 2 (54:46):
So excited you're going to block my number. I'm really
looking forward to.
Speaker 1 (54:49):
I actually came over here today and I'm like, I
think we're going to become really good friends. Like I
had that sense, I feel like that, why not, right?
But it happens when we go deep like this.
Speaker 2 (55:00):
You look forward to dive deeper into the book. And
thank you so much.
Speaker 1 (55:03):
I love you all. Thank you for your vulnerability.
Speaker 2 (55:06):
M m hmmmmmm.
Host
Radhi Devlukia
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