September 10, 2024 • 58 mins
Grief can test our faith, but it can also strengthen it in unexpected ways.
Today, I have a truly special guest whose journey through loss has inspired so many. Lauren London, an acclaimed actress, entrepreneur, and mental health advocate, opens up about her personal experiences with grief and resilience.
In this episode of A Really Good Cry, Lauren and I chat about the transformative power of faith and vulnerability in navigating grief. She shares her touching story of love and loss, offering heartfelt insights into finding strength and purpose through spiritual connection.
We also dive into practical strategies for managing grief, like the healing power of prayer and journaling. Lauren's advice on creating supportive environments for healing and maintaining connections with loved ones who have passed is truly inspiring.
What We Discuss:
- 00:00 Intro
- 01:26 How Lauren got into acting
- 04:02 Growing from past versions of yourself
- 10:56 “True faith requires curiosity…”
- 15:37 How to talk with God
- 19:55 Getting into journaling
- 22:09 Lauren & Nipsey’s meet-cute
- 25:29 Things Lauren learned from Nipsey
- 29:01 Coping with grief
- 31:10 What is shadow work?
- 33:53 Judging less and loving more
- 36:02 Laughing and living after grief
- 38:28 Teaching kids about grief
- 40:54 Stepping out of your comfort zone
- 43:51 Embracing self-love after loss
- 47:38 Prioritizing self in a demanding industry
- 50:48 Having no idea what to do next is okay
- 55:09 The last time Lauren cried
- 56:57 Rapid fire questions with Lauren
Follow Lauren:
Follow Radhi:
- https://www.instagram.com/radhidevlukia/
- https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCxWe9A4kMf9V_AHOXkGhCzQ
- https://www.facebook.com/radhidevlukia1/
- https://www.tiktok.com/@radhidevlukia
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Nip's death erupted all of the childhood trauma.
Speaker 2 (00:06):
I've never really have function and self love.
Speaker 1 (00:11):
I've never really functioned in self acceptance. This is my
time to learn what that is. I need to really
know what it feels like to be in sovereignty with me.
Speaker 3 (00:25):
Lauren London is an American actress known for her roles
in films and television shows, including atl This, Christmas Baggage,
Claim You People, and more.
Speaker 1 (00:34):
That's like if I have to say I'm not that
person anymore. I'm trying to, you know, fit myself in
this box. I need you to see me in when
I can just be and if you catch it, you do,
and if you don't, you don't. We live in this
world where social media allows you to just judge all
death with everything, though everyone is on their journey in
the way that they have agreed with God to be
(00:56):
on it.
Speaker 2 (00:56):
How am I to judge that?
Speaker 1 (00:58):
Who am I to judge that?
Speaker 3 (01:01):
I'm Ralei Dablukiah. And on my podcast A Really Good Cry,
we embrace the messy and the beautiful, providing a space
for raw and filtered conversations that celebrate vulnerability and allow
you to tune in to learn, connect and find comfort together. Okay,
first all, thank you so much for doing this.
Speaker 1 (01:18):
Thank you.
Speaker 3 (01:19):
You are so busy all the time, and I know
you're a homebody and so I appreciate you coming on
and doing this.
Speaker 1 (01:24):
Oh, thank you.
Speaker 3 (01:25):
But the reason I wanted to do this is because
I feel like through our conversations, I honestly have learned
so much from you, been so reflective after speaking to you,
oh wow, and just felt like you yourself have gone
through such an incredible journey that would help so many
people to help themselves but also help other people who
(01:48):
have gone through similar things. And so I'm really excited
to have you on.
Speaker 2 (01:51):
I'm happy to be here.
Speaker 3 (01:54):
But one thing I realized when I was thinking about
this was I don't know so much about you pre
us meeting. Yeah, what about you? I get glimpses of it. Yeah,
well you told me about past versions of yourself. Yeah,
but I feel like I don't know you. So one
of the questions that I want to start with is
how did you get into acting? Like, what was your journey?
Speaker 1 (02:11):
Take? What was that journey I was I started off
in music videos.
Speaker 2 (02:19):
I was a production assistant.
Speaker 1 (02:22):
Actually I was a PA for a music video and
commercial production office. And then I was then Paul Hunter's
assistant who directed commercials and music videos. So I was
in a lot of his videos and one or two commercials.
And then I got let go from the job because
I wasn't a really great assistant. And I realized that
(02:48):
my mom really gave me like an ultimate like, you know,
you have to figure out what you want to do
with your life, and if you really did want to act,
you need to get serious about it.
Speaker 3 (02:56):
What age was this?
Speaker 2 (02:57):
Eighteen?
Speaker 1 (02:58):
Okay, eighteen, I would say, And so I started taking
acting classes like that was like the first thing to
do was to just stance class.
Speaker 2 (03:08):
And so I was in class like.
Speaker 1 (03:10):
Wednesdays and Fridays from like six pm to midnight, like
closed in classes. And then actually one of the guys
that I worked with at the production office was Chris
Robinson's assistant. His name is Carl, and I found out
that Chris Robinson was directing a movie that was going
(03:30):
to in turn be atl and so I was like, Carl,
you have to give me an audition. I've been doing
acting classes like please please please, long story short, They
got me an audition. It took like four hours to
get to the audition because my car stopped on the
way there. It was just like a tragic, horrifying it
was a movie itself. And so then auditioned for ATL,
(03:51):
did a screen test. The casting director on ATL gave
me set up meetings for me to get an agent,
and then after I just was working. After that, was.
Speaker 3 (04:03):
That what you always wanted to do? Like when you
were younger, what was your dream of what you wanted
to grow up to do?
Speaker 1 (04:09):
When I look back, I always wanted to act. I
think that was also a means of like escaping reality
and being someone else and you know, pouring your emotions
into something else, but like it not being forefronting you.
So I feel like when I was younger, I've always
wanted to do it. I don't remember wanting to do
anything else.
Speaker 3 (04:29):
Yeah, okay, wait, so eighteen years old, if I knew
you then, or if no, not knowing you, then, how
would you or your friends describe you at that age?
Speaker 1 (04:39):
I want to know A ticking time bind I was
really now that I'm like in therapy and like can
actually have like a educated view on and compassion on
like what I was going through at the time. I
was like really a ticking time mom. But I was
also very I was still much, very much a homebody,
(05:01):
still very private.
Speaker 2 (05:03):
I've always been really private.
Speaker 1 (05:06):
I feel like I've always been to myself, like my
core group of friends, but definitely spicier than what I
am now. I was sassy, hand on my hip, don't
mess with me, you know, if you're trying to check temperature,
this water is hot, like.
Speaker 2 (05:24):
I was giving that energy.
Speaker 1 (05:27):
But pretty much the essence of me has been the
same as far as just like privacy to myself, chill,
but then I was definitely a little bit more fire.
Speaker 3 (05:37):
And as you grew up, did you find that you
were able to keep the friends that were in that
phase of life with you? Or as you changed and evolved,
did your friendship groups change? How did you manage that?
Because I find that that's something that I struggled with
when I was growing and changing. That I was one
(05:57):
person when I was eighteen, and even though that person
might have been okay in some ways, I wanted to
adapt and grow and change in so many ways, but
it was a big change and shift for me that
what I then wanted to end up doing wasn't necessarily
what my friends wanted to do. And so I think
a lot of people go through that where they shed themselves,
but then it's hard to know whether they have to
(06:18):
shed the people around them too.
Speaker 1 (06:19):
I feel like I went through that later on, Like
I feel like that feels more relatable recently than it
did when I was younger. I think, you know, when
I was younger, I maintained a lot of friendships and
I still do have, you know, those friends, but I now,
just in my own evolution, have opened up to newer
(06:43):
friend groups, people outside of what I find so relatable.
I just am just more open to that. So I
feel like that phase and that lesson came later in.
Speaker 2 (06:54):
Life, and that is difficult.
Speaker 1 (06:56):
I do feel like there's not enough conversation around like
friendship shifts.
Speaker 3 (07:02):
Yeah, and what was the thing that shifted you? Like?
What do you remember a time where you had a
specific moment where you were like, I don't want to
be like this anymore. Was that Was there something that
made you feel that way about yourself or was it
just over time as you grew up and went through
different things.
Speaker 1 (07:18):
I think more recently, just how I had to make
very big changes in my life. Life made some changes
for me, and then I had to make the choice
to go a certain direction on just like energetically and
certain conversations I didn't want to indulge in anymore, and
certain energies I didn't want to engage with anymore. And
(07:40):
so that creates isolation too, until you find a tribe
that is similar to what you really want to like,
engage with. Yeah, so yeah, that's more recently than anything.
Speaker 3 (07:53):
Yeah, and do you find it quite easy to separate
yourself from it now? Like how do you create those
boundaries between you and the person that people know you
as will still associate you with, versus the areas and
the path that you're choosing to take now.
Speaker 1 (08:12):
Yeah, it's so funny. I was. I was joking with
one of my best friends last night, and I was like, girl,
you don't really know me anymore. But it was a joke.
But I was like, hmm, maybe there is some truth
to that. But I do feel like I feel like
if I have to say I'm not that person anymore,
that means I am still part of you know. It's
like trying to force people to see this new version
(08:33):
of me means that I have no compassion for that
past I'm just trying to, you know, fit myself in
this box. I need you to see me in when
I can just be and if you catch it, you do,
and if you don't, you don't. But I'm okay just
being me as I am right now, and also being
okay with the past versions of myself, not being so
(08:53):
judgmental on them. I'm like, I'm not that girl anymore
and just being more like, actually, that girl was so
strong and she brought me to this point.
Speaker 2 (09:02):
I love her so much.
Speaker 1 (09:03):
Thank you so much, you know, And so I just
don't if someone doesn't see it how I see it,
or doesn't get it how I get in it, won't
see me how I see myself. Now, I'm just like,
that's just where you are. People can only perceive you
with how deep they see themselves. I think that's like
a saying, you know, like I can only see you
(09:24):
and have so much compassion for you with how much
compassion I have for myself and where I meet myself.
Speaker 3 (09:29):
That's so true. I love what you said about not
being able to like if you have to constantly tell
people that you're a certain way, it's you trying to
make yourself believe it.
Speaker 2 (09:37):
Absolutely.
Speaker 3 (09:38):
But I think I've always struggled with that, with having
other people's perception of me being something that it's not.
It's something that I find so hard to manage without
it taking over the way that I then see myself.
And but that's them, Yeah, that's at.
Speaker 1 (09:53):
The level they've reached themselves, because I can even go
back to times where I wasn't so open to other
people changing or other people's evolution, and like, why she
acting like that? It's because I wasn't theory yet.
Speaker 3 (10:05):
Yeah, but it's such a good reflection point where, actually,
are you trying to prove it to them because you're
not quite there yet and you haven't made it to
where you want to be? Or is it actually like
I see it more as a reflection point that wow,
whenever I'm trying to prove myself, who am I trying
to prove it to me? Like, yeah, I'm trying to
prove it to my talent.
Speaker 1 (10:23):
I used to tell my mom like, I'm grown, I'm ground,
I'm grown.
Speaker 2 (10:25):
I'm like, Okay, why do you have to keep saying
you're ground?
Speaker 1 (10:27):
If you're ground, you're grown. Love is you don't have
to keep telling her that you know and I think
my mom said that, like, Okay, why are you telling me?
Speaker 3 (10:34):
Yeah, even rather Thanaswami, he talks about how true integrity
is when and true integrity and when you can actually
pierce and penetrate someone's heart with what you're saying is
when your thoughts, your actions, and your words are all aligned.
And then so you don't have to say, you don't
have to tell people what to do. You just live
(10:54):
it and you're being it, and you are fully that.
And so I think about the people that I've been
affected by the most in life, and it's those people.
They've never said do this or do that. It's like
I see their lives and I think, oh my God,
like I want that peace. I want that contentment purely
through the way that they're living. And then exactly, you're
(11:16):
like hmmm.
Speaker 1 (11:17):
And then I asked the questions like what's your practice,
what does that look like? Or like you know, yeah, exactly,
So it's just being.
Speaker 3 (11:24):
I feel like you've told me that you were before.
You've told me that you always had a spiritual inclination
from when you were younger. Yes, do you feel like
through the work that you've done with yourself, you've unpacked
where that comes from or what that connection was for
you when you were younger, and could you share like
some of the practices that you still maintain now.
Speaker 1 (11:45):
I always felt very connected to God early on, and
so as just time is evolving, I realized that a
lot of it was like God's grace and love over me,
you know, just have this tenacity for service and you know,
connection with the most high. I feel like that's like
(12:07):
God's grace really over my life.
Speaker 3 (12:10):
How did it show up for you when you were younger?
Speaker 1 (12:12):
Just when I look back on my testimony just where
you know, things weren't going so well, but that I
was still intact and I was okay, did you.
Speaker 3 (12:22):
Still feel God's presence through that time?
Speaker 2 (12:25):
I look at it now and I do. I'm like, wow,
God was right there.
Speaker 1 (12:28):
I was actually really covered, you know, just to even
have the still the love and the tenacity for God still,
you know, after everything, you know, we as people go through.
I think it's just a grace and gift, like thank
You that I'm still here seeking your love and sitting
in your presence, you know. Yeah. And I think just
(12:49):
as far as like I didn't have such a strong
spiritual practice growing up, I realized I was very connected
to like crystals.
Speaker 3 (12:58):
And very very curious, very cute all the stories you've
told me.
Speaker 2 (13:02):
I was just like, what is this?
Speaker 1 (13:03):
You know? How did you know? Who was this?
Speaker 3 (13:06):
What did you tell me about this story? Was it
Amma or something when you were younger?
Speaker 1 (13:10):
Yes?
Speaker 2 (13:11):
Who gave the sacred hugs?
Speaker 1 (13:13):
My friend's mom medeas, Yeah, I stay in line for
hours for this mantra and this hug, and just like
entertaining and experiencing other spiritual modalities and teachings and books.
I was always really curious about it, and still to
this day that is a practice I still keep it.
Speaker 3 (13:34):
I think truth the truth.
Speaker 1 (13:35):
Seeker would I will call myself a truth seeker, like
I really seek the truth.
Speaker 3 (13:40):
I think I feel like true faith requires curiosity, Like
if you're content, always think about this. If I was,
I was born into a into a family with a
specific religion, with a specific practice. But you can either
go through life and do things so mechanically, which is
a lot of people when they grow up in faith
or in a specific religion do, or you start to
(14:03):
become curious and realize it just because you're born to
a certain thing, or just because you've been told a
certain thing, that doesn't mean that you shouldn't feel the
curiosity of other places that you can find peace, other
places that you can find contentment. And I, as part
of my culture, really struggled with that. I would think, oh, wow,
I have to just believe in what I believe in,
Otherwise I'm defying my culture. Otherwise I'm defying my religion.
(14:27):
At the time that I was feeling, and then when
I started reading Christian books and when I started reading
Sufi prayers, and then You're like, wow, Actually, true faith
is understanding that you can learn from so many different places.
And I feel that helps so much. That you put
yourself into these positions which could be very uncomfortable or
(14:50):
unknown or unfamiliar, but you will really lean into them.
And I think that that's such a I think that
is the key to growth and the key to actually
creating a deep rooted faith for yourself. I agree.
Speaker 1 (15:05):
I mean, I even in India, I feel like my
relations travel to India together.
Speaker 3 (15:10):
It was so much fun, but it was also testing.
Speaker 2 (15:13):
It was very testing.
Speaker 1 (15:15):
And it's like, as much as you think you're humble,
and I'm humble, it's like India was like are you,
And it was a gentle humbling for me.
Speaker 3 (15:22):
It's just unfamiliar, unfamiliar with familiar environment.
Speaker 1 (15:26):
And I'm a control you know, I'm working on not
being so having to be in so much control, which
is dealing with childhood trauma and adult trauma. You know,
you kind of have the sense of needing to control things,
and so being out of control and having this trust
in a foreign country, away from everything that keeps you comfortable,
(15:49):
was a very gentle humbling for me. But I say
I am adding that because I feel like my relationship
with Jesus deepened in India.
Speaker 3 (15:58):
Isn't that so amazing?
Speaker 1 (16:00):
That's beautiful My prayers, the songs in my head.
Speaker 2 (16:04):
It was beautiful.
Speaker 3 (16:05):
Watching you pray on that trip. One brought taste to
my eyes, but such happy tists because it made me
realize how much more I wanted to connect through prayer,
like we have different Like the way that I grew up,
there was prayer, but it was like you were taught
the prayers to say, yeah, what to say to God,
You were taught how to communicate with spirit. You were taught,
(16:26):
but the words aren't yours. And so I grew up
in a way where I didn't actually think what do
I want to talk to God about? Like how do
I want to communicate? What do I want to say
on a daily basis? It was never something that I
thought of. It wasn't like a sitting at the side
of my bed diar God moment. It was like, Okay,
in the morning, I wake up and I say these prayers,
and the afternoon I say these prayers. And so when
(16:47):
I got I honestly my eyes opened so much with
you and Jada watching the way that you communicate with
yourself and with God and the universe through prayer. And
it was such a beautiful thing to witness that because
it's allowed me to deepen my practice through watching that.
But I want to know, how do you, like, how
(17:07):
did you get into the practice of prayer and how
do you because I think that's something that many people
struggle with, it's how do I talk to God?
Speaker 1 (17:15):
I still struggle with it too, Yes, I still very
much struggle with it. But prayer was introduced to me
very early on. I watched, you know, even though my
mom wasn't very religious, I watched Mom get on her
knees every night and just be grateful but I also
have an aunt who is like a prayer warrior. I
feel like she can shift mountains with prayer, and I've
(17:39):
witnessed things shift with her prayers. I've witnessed the power
of prayer physically through my aunt's prayers. I'm always like,
if it gets too rev I go to my auntie
house and she gets to praying, and you know, and
then through Reverend Michael, who was like a godfather to me,
(18:00):
teachers about affirm like affirmative prayer in your like. So
I used to think I had to get on my knees,
I had to be like a special you know, this
special discipline. I realized it's just like I'm in constant
communication with God. I'm in constant like thank you. I'm
in constant like I'm afraid right here. Show me that
I'm okay, Show me that you love me. God, Please
(18:21):
remind me that you love me. Remind me of your
love over my life. Remind me of your plan over
my life. I'm losing faith. I'm a real afraid right now,
you know.
Speaker 2 (18:30):
And that's it.
Speaker 1 (18:30):
Sometimes Sometimes the prayer is just thank you so much
for my breath, thank you so much for my protection today,
Thank you so much, the kids made at home, you know,
and remember it's just the converse, the constant conversation. Yeah,
the communion, you know what I mean. And I'm still
learning to just be in more communication with God. I
feel like I can do so much better with all things.
(18:52):
But I would like to you know, I'm like, what
what is it that I would like for God to
feel about me? And I really like for got to
be pleased with you know, I'm not perfect, but I
would just like to please Yeah, you know God.
Speaker 3 (19:07):
No, that's really beautiful thinking about it as a not
just the daily practice that's ritualistic, but every moment, what
is that communication?
Speaker 1 (19:16):
Your breath is a prayer. Yeah, your breath is a
prayer like thank you, thank you exactly.
Speaker 3 (19:21):
And every moment it's like, rather than thinking about yourself
or thinking to call someone, or you know, the habit
that we have of constantly wanting to we have a
human human need to want to communicate with something or someone.
It's like, you want to be intimate and connected to something,
and we sometimes misplace that where it's like if you're
in the car and you want to busy yourself, you'll
(19:43):
call someone. We'll put on music, But why not just
have a conversation, why not have a moment of reflection
or time to be grateful like every single moment. And
the way gratitude is always so overused, We're like, just
be grateful, but actually, how you just described it, It's like, no,
be grateful of every breath, like every moment. I'm so
grateful my kids came in every single day, Like that
(20:05):
is something to be so grateful for.
Speaker 1 (20:07):
It's like, Wow, things that we take for granted that
we just assume are just always going to just you know,
be there. I'm just like, I know I'm not special,
So thank you for your grace and your love and
your covering you know you.
Speaker 3 (20:22):
Joannel, Yes, And we're just talking about that.
Speaker 1 (20:25):
And I never thought I was going to be a journalist.
I'm like, I cannop, I'm turning into my mom And
what was it that took you to journaling? And I
struggle with.
Speaker 3 (20:34):
Janelin and I still do. Even if I have one
of those the the you know books that come as
journals where they give you prompts that sometimes doesn't.
Speaker 2 (20:43):
Those don't work for me. They don't work for me,
don't work for me.
Speaker 1 (20:46):
I just have to have a notebook, and that turns
the page in those lines.
Speaker 2 (20:49):
I just need a line notebook for me.
Speaker 1 (20:51):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (20:52):
And is it free writing that you do?
Speaker 1 (20:54):
I free write anything that comes into your mind, everything
that comes to mind, things that sound nuts. I just
get it out because it's there. I need it out.
And so I especially like things that aren't so positive
that I don't want to exchange with someone else, I'll
write it. I'll just write like everything I feel about it. Yeah, like, oh,
I actually don't need to say it. I can rip
(21:16):
this page up. I got this emotion out. And then
sometimes I realize, like I don't need to say that,
this is what.
Speaker 2 (21:22):
I'm really feeling. How am I really feeling?
Speaker 1 (21:24):
You know what I mean? And then sometimes just like
I journaled this morning, like in my and my free
writing was really a prayer, I realized, because I was
just asking God to just keep me clear and just
allow me to be a channel that I don't want.
You know, one of my biggest prayers is like, God,
I don't want people to see me. Allow me to
be a vessel, and it allowed your works to move through,
(21:46):
you know. So Yeah, I just free write whatever. And
sometimes I write I don't want to write today, I
am over it? Why and like that's you know, it's like, oh,
everybody gets on my nerves, Like everything is just to
get it out, and I feel like it's just self freeing.
Speaker 3 (22:03):
Is that's the only way that I've been able to
use journaling regularly. And sometimes it's on my notes page
on my phone and one of the aggressive stuff that
goes into that notes page on my phone.
Speaker 1 (22:13):
It's so good, but it has to get it out.
Speaker 3 (22:17):
From communicating in negative ways.
Speaker 2 (22:20):
It stops you from response. It's a filter.
Speaker 1 (22:25):
It is a very needed filter for me because I
was very I would be quick to go after handle
and be like, hey, I didn't like how you just
write about it.
Speaker 3 (22:35):
Yeah, I think we met. Was it a year after
or maybe just after Nipsy past Or left? Was it
a year maybe when you came secured them? I think
it was in the year in the year, I think
it was in the year and I realized, like from
since then, which has been a good few years, I
(22:58):
feel like I didn't know much about him before, but
I feel like through you, I've come to love him
and appreciate him so much because of how you speak
about him and how you have you know channeled his
energy through the things that you do. And I wanted
to ask because I don't know this story, but maybe
you've told it before. How did you NPS meet? Yeah? Also,
(23:21):
do I call him Nipsey? You?
Speaker 1 (23:23):
Yeah, you can hustle? Yeah?
Speaker 2 (23:28):
Yeah, how do we meet?
Speaker 3 (23:30):
Oh my god, I love I love these stories, So
tell me.
Speaker 1 (23:36):
Oh my god, my memory is so whack these days,
but I do remember how we met. We were Oh,
I was on a set and at the time, he
had dropped this Crenshaw mixtape that all the ladies on set,
like the glam was like listening to, and I was like,
oh my god, it'd be so dope if I.
Speaker 2 (23:57):
And they were all from LA. We were in Atlanta shooting.
Speaker 1 (23:59):
I was like, to be really cool if I like
got him, got them his mixtape and all, like you know,
the Crenshaw stuff. And so I had reached out to
a friend of mine, Danny, like, hey, do you know Nip, Like,
could you reach out and to see but I can
get a discount on some and stuff because I'm kind
of buying in bulk. He's like yeah, And so Nip
never reached out. His manager then reached out to my
(24:22):
friend and I didn't get the discount either, and so I.
Speaker 2 (24:26):
Was like, Okay, I guess he's that. I was like,
I guess he's not trying to give me.
Speaker 1 (24:30):
It's fine, and so then I bought the stuff, gave
the girls a wrap gifts, and then I ended up
following him on I don't even remember what social you
see my memory is, so.
Speaker 2 (24:45):
Maybe it was Twitter, or.
Speaker 1 (24:49):
At the time it was Twitter. I don't know, I
remember Instagram.
Speaker 2 (24:51):
Maybe I started.
Speaker 1 (24:51):
Following him and then he DMed me like, hey.
Speaker 2 (24:54):
Thank you for this.
Speaker 1 (24:56):
Damn. He's like, thanks, thanks for this, sup poor appreciates
you send me your sizes so I can send you
a personal box. And then he gave me his number,
and so then I text him because I was like,
I don't do DM okay.
Speaker 3 (25:08):
But did you think it was really cute?
Speaker 1 (25:10):
Then I thought, yeah, I thought he was fine maybe
even first of all, me following him was very I
was like, he took the bait. No, yes, I thought
he was I always thought he was very attractive. I
actually had like friends that knew him that were like,
I think you guys will get along, you know, years
before that. But you know, I was just on my
(25:31):
like single mom stuff. I wasn't really like, you know whatever.
So I text him like, hey, this is a boogie.
I don't really do the DM, but here are my sizes,
here's the shipping address. And he sent back like a
funny little thing and he's like, yeah, I know you
from LA and told me what high school I went to,
and so that is yeah, And.
Speaker 3 (25:51):
So that went on.
Speaker 1 (25:52):
That was like a five to eight hour conversation the
first day. Yeah, and then that was it.
Speaker 3 (25:58):
How would you, obviously you guys were together for a while,
how would you in a few sentences or have along
describe what your love was like?
Speaker 2 (26:07):
Intentional, pure, and save.
Speaker 3 (26:14):
Those are beautiful words. Yeah, I definitely get that sense
from me. Whenever you've spoken about him, what would you
say that you learned most from him while he was
alive and the difference between what you learned from him
since he left? Because I feel like you've had such
a it feels like you have such a strong connection
to him even after he's not in this world.
Speaker 1 (26:35):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (26:36):
And that's another thing that I honestly feel I have
learnt so much from you, is how not to how
not to stop life? And I theoretically I know, like
in my mind. I know that the soul is forever
like that is something I believe so deeply. But you're
the first person I've seen truly put it into practice,
(26:58):
like honestly, because I've not been I haven't been close
enough to death within my close proximity, like all the
people that I mean the most to me are still alive,
or like I lost my granddad when I was really young,
but I haven't felt that yet. And me and Jay
talk about this a lot because it's something that I
struggle with all the time I think about it. But
you you'll be okay. Yeah, I know, I hope, I know,
(27:22):
But you the way that you communicate it just has
really helped me to process it in my mind. So
my my crying. It's like talking about you. I cry
every time I think about this. Yeah, I really appreciate
the way that you are able to use him again,
(27:43):
like be a vessel of what he was doing and
still find joy in it. Like it makes me cry
because it makes me so happy to see you do it. So, yeah,
what did you What do you feel has shifted in
what you learned from him while he was here versus now?
Speaker 1 (27:58):
Yeah?
Speaker 3 (28:00):
Who?
Speaker 1 (28:02):
So all the things he was saying to me made
more sense after he left. Oh you know, he spoke
a lot about like he I'm such like in my
cave and a homebody that he was like, belive, the
people really need to hear from you, like you have
a lot, Like you have a.
Speaker 2 (28:21):
Lot of truth you should share.
Speaker 1 (28:23):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (28:23):
Oh my god, he saw me. He saw me. He
saw me like my kids see me.
Speaker 1 (28:28):
You know. So it's more about like afterwards, all the
things he said really and just like I was like, wow,
my god, he was so that was so true. But
when he was here, just the reliance on God. Yeah,
you know, he really relied on God. He truly believed
in himself. He really did not believe in you know,
(28:51):
someone has the key to your destiny as much as
you do, as much as you and your creator does,
you know, and so and just all the city is
something you can't buy. It's something you can't fake, it's
something you cannot put on. It really has to be you.
And I remember him telling me that. He was like, Boogie,
you know, you're real authentic. That's something people can't buy.
(29:12):
It's not for sale. You know, no matter how long
it takes, you don't lose that. Yeah, and yeah, I
constantly even I listened to like his music.
Speaker 2 (29:23):
Now I'm like, oh my god, Hustle hear it differently.
I hear it differently.
Speaker 3 (29:29):
How was obviously every single person it's going to go
through grief in their life, what was some of the lesson? Well, first,
what was the process? Like, how did you go from
I assume the hardest thing you've ever had to go
through to being who you are? Now? Where you are
such like a prize to people when you meet like you.
Speaker 2 (29:53):
You I still feel like a mess.
Speaker 1 (29:54):
That's the thing is, like, I still feel like a mess,
and I guess I I have to ask my friends
how far I've come because I still genuinely feel like
I have not arrived anywhere.
Speaker 3 (30:09):
You don't carry heavy energy, you know when you feel.
Speaker 2 (30:11):
No God, I feel like I'm really heavy a lot.
Speaker 1 (30:14):
But again I have to counter that to just like
the grace of God, because if it was up to me,
I would be slow like sliding in here on my stomach,
you know.
Speaker 2 (30:25):
But you know, I also don't want.
Speaker 1 (30:27):
To take away from the work that I've done from
then until now. So I don't want to do that
because I'm good at doing that.
Speaker 3 (30:35):
Can you think of like key things that pushed you
through from my kids are really big things.
Speaker 1 (30:41):
But also I was fortunate to have a lot of
wise people around me. You know, my community was really strong.
I had a lot of healers with me. I had,
you know, I always say, Queen of Fua, Reverend Michael,
and then God just placed people my life that can
kind of just usher me in and teach me and
(31:05):
guide me. I always say, the prayer of strangers have
held me up. I swear I feel like the people's
prayers have I can cry. I mean, I feel like
the prayers of strangers have held me up.
Speaker 3 (31:18):
Yeah, there's a can't remember who says it, but I say,
you have no idea whose prayers are saving you, and.
Speaker 1 (31:24):
I swear it's the people. I swear people have been
praying for me. And I feel it. Every time I
run into anybody and they're like, I've been praying for you,
I'm like, and I have felt it. Thank you. You
know that's not just a blanket statement, you know. Yeah,
I feel like my you know, my morning routine has
really helped.
Speaker 3 (31:44):
Yeah, what does that consist of for you normally?
Speaker 1 (31:47):
Well, it's changing, it's changing, but it started off with
a reading. It started off with prayer, meditation. I started
meditating during grief. Meditation was not a practice of mine.
Speaker 3 (32:04):
What kind of meditation?
Speaker 1 (32:05):
Is it?
Speaker 3 (32:05):
Silent or.
Speaker 1 (32:08):
Guided?
Speaker 2 (32:08):
And then it turned into silent?
Speaker 1 (32:10):
Yeah, but mostly guided.
Speaker 3 (32:13):
And I know you've talked to me about shadow work.
Explain to me because I feel like most people may
not have heard of it. What is that? And how
did that bring you or change? Like, how did that
change you or help you to grow through greef?
Speaker 1 (32:28):
So I'm not you know, I'm not well versed on it,
But what did it do for you?
Speaker 2 (32:33):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (32:33):
What did it? Held me accountable? It helped me accountable
to the spaces inside of me that we're ego driven,
allowed me to be okay with my past past versions
of me that I could look back on and judge
(32:54):
and like want to hide from. But it just allowed
that openness of like, actually, without this, you wouldn't have that,
you know what I mean? And then your past versions
of yourself are just trying the best they can what
they got, you know what I mean. But just holding
myself accountable because I feel like accountability is the only
way you can really move forward and actually shift and
(33:15):
change and make healthier choices.
Speaker 3 (33:19):
Yeah, absolutely, and so shadowy because when you.
Speaker 1 (33:23):
Sorry, it's just you know, yeah, I mean from my
perspective again, there are people that are like very well
versed in this and can really give you a rundown.
And I am not an expert in any way. I'm
just I'm just an experiencer. But it's just like looking
in the spaces of yourself that again are ego driven,
that you necessarily want to brush under a rug, ways
(33:48):
that you act, thoughts that you have, ways that you
ways you've affected others, that is just not necessarily your
most you know, I don't want to say best all
versions of you are great, but you know, like you
could judge that part of you. And also just like
the pain, the trauma, the sadness, the you know, things
(34:11):
that we might call week that aren't really they kind
of like usher you into because without the shadow, whereas
the you know, the light is now more illuminated in
the shadow.
Speaker 3 (34:21):
I feel like, yeah, I always find that whenever I
notice that I have work to do in certain areas
by how I look and judge other people. And so
in my weeks where I notice myself, whether it's me
talking negatively about someone in my mind, or whether it's
seeing them in a different light or getting irritated at
people for certain things. It's like every single thing that
(34:44):
you actually get irritated with is so much a trigger
about you. Absolutely, it's so much a reflection of you.
And I think it's so much easier to point fingers
at other people. It's so much easier to say it's
them who's wrong, and so much easier to think that
it's them, and you can go through your whole life. I
went through so much of my life when I was younger,
until I moved away from home and had to spend
(35:07):
so much time by myself to actually think and see
who I was because it was so covered up by me.
Speaker 1 (35:13):
Judgment Yeah, yeah, absolutely, yeah, And judgment is a big thing.
I think that everyone you know, I feel like kind
of you. And then we live in this world where
social media allows you to just judge.
Speaker 3 (35:26):
A constantly, yeah, with every finger.
Speaker 1 (35:29):
Yeah, And that's sometimes to get off, like, I don't
I'm sitting in judgment. I don't want to because everyone
is on their journey in the way that they have
agreed with God to be on it.
Speaker 2 (35:38):
How am I to judge?
Speaker 1 (35:39):
There? Who am I to judge there?
Speaker 3 (35:42):
Who am I?
Speaker 1 (35:42):
Yeah?
Speaker 3 (35:43):
And yeah I think about that too. It's like someone's weeds.
We all have weeds, but when other people's weeds look
like a different breed or a different kind, or they
flower differently or the same time, they smell differently. But
you're like, oh, but my weeds are way better than
those persons weeds, and they're for weeds and weeds we
will have them.
Speaker 1 (36:03):
And it's like, I don't know what agreement you made
with your soul's evolution. I don't you know what I mean?
And I'm a judge where you are with it? No,
And I've learned like what goes around comes around. So
the minute I'm sitting here judging on you, I'm going
to experience the equal amount of that. You know, It's
(36:23):
like a ripple effect, and I don't want to put
those ripples in the water. No, I don't want those
type of ripples to turn back.
Speaker 3 (36:30):
How did you get to a point? Because now I
feel like whenever you talk about Nick, you are joking
or you're like thinking of something that was really funny.
How it's so nice to see that you can get
to a place where you can do that but I
also feel how do you constantly feel connected and channel
(36:53):
Is it the same way that you connect to God
when you end up kind of trying to do you
still have conversations? Do you still try and communicate and
have a connection to Him beyond obviously his physical presence here?
But how did you get to a point of being
able to just laugh and joke about it? Because I
feel like most people that I've met, and I think
it's maybe part of my culture, it's kind of kept
(37:14):
very they don't like speaking about it for so many years.
Speaker 1 (37:18):
I think that's just in general. I think death is
a yeah, as common as it is, it's really it's
really hard.
Speaker 3 (37:25):
One thing that's sad, but the one thing we talk
about the least because.
Speaker 1 (37:28):
It feels so final. I know, it feels so final,
you know, in a way it is here right physically.
I also feel like, once you know, Hustle passed, I
was just like I got I'm just gonna be myself.
Speaker 2 (37:47):
It is just gonna be what it is.
Speaker 1 (37:50):
What the hell?
Speaker 2 (37:51):
What the hell just happened here?
Speaker 1 (37:53):
But I feel like when I am in in linement
with God and with my higher self, then I'll have
dreams about him or I'll see the signs, you know
what I mean, and that when I'm not when i'm
not so aligned, I'm not able. It's like a fog.
(38:16):
I'm not able to see the signs. I'm not able.
And I think that's even like, you know, just in life.
I think when you are just in alignment with God,
you know, you just see the little miracles throughout the day,
and you know, when we're not and we're having one
of those moments and we're in those spaces, it's just
a little bit more foggy and it's hard to see.
(38:37):
So I would just attribute any signs I see in
any type of clarity or you know, dreams or when
I'm in alignment with myself, it makes sense.
Speaker 3 (38:47):
Like everything, you're allowing yourself to be a clean vessel
to have those connections.
Speaker 2 (38:54):
I'm a witness to them.
Speaker 3 (38:55):
You know, you have two incredible children. Gosh, we love them.
Across the bus and Cam the man. How doing how
do you you've explained You've told me this before and
I thought it was really lovely. How you managed to
celebrate the difficult days that come with grief, how you
(39:18):
celebrate them with your children? How you keep you know
the legacy going, how you keep them feeling connected. Do
you have anything to share that you would like to
on those topics, because I feel like you've spoken to
me about it and I really appreciated what you said
about it.
Speaker 1 (39:35):
Yeah. Well, it's so different with both of them, because
one fourteen the other one seven.
Speaker 2 (39:40):
So you know, I'm always just a space.
Speaker 1 (39:44):
I'm like a container for whatever emotion that they have,
whether it's sadness or anger. I'm just like, it's okay
to feel all these things. You know, I'm holding it
for you. I feel you, I understand, I hear you. Yes,
it's so hard, you know, but so you know, playing
his music, write I'm always telling them to journal as well,
(40:07):
like write them a letter, tell me how you feel,
you know, and let's put it away. And you know,
I feel like, you know, I teach my little one
to and my eldest son knows is too, but to
pay attention to the signs, oh there's a white butterfly,
there's a humming bird, or you know, and really just
(40:30):
expressing their feelings and just being a container and just
always explaining to them that you know, no one ever
really dies with your spirits and this big body container,
and you.
Speaker 2 (40:42):
Know we will be we are together.
Speaker 1 (40:44):
We just can't see, you know what I mean, just
kind of trying to explain it to them spiritually so
that they have the language when they get older. But
I just, you know, I think more importantly, I just
am trying to hold space for them.
Speaker 2 (40:59):
Yeah, because there's really nothing I can.
Speaker 1 (41:01):
Say or do as much as it is that I
can just be the safe space for them for their emotions,
and then I can create a space for them to
connect and it's a communication.
Speaker 3 (41:11):
I feel like sometimes it's that feeling of not being
able to express to that person what you want to say.
We write it down exactly exactly. I think that's such
a beautiful way to stay in touch with that. We
were talking about India before and we went India together.
But you know, India was a sign of how to
embrace discomfort. And so when you went to India, I
(41:35):
want to hear from you because I thought you didn't know,
but you were incredible. We joke and laugh about that.
Speaker 2 (41:40):
Really incredible you really were.
Speaker 3 (41:43):
Everything was so everything was foreign, everything was unknown, but
you got up every single morning at like three am.
You participated and wanted to embrace everything. In your discomfort,
like how in something, whether it's physical discomforts, like sometimes
it was that what is your how do you make
(42:04):
something that feels uncomfortable and convince yourself and to like
make yourself go through it?
Speaker 1 (42:09):
What do you?
Speaker 3 (42:10):
What do you do? Because it's so easy to just
show you could have been booking my flyer.
Speaker 1 (42:13):
Yeah, what I was like, you had to remind myself
of the reason I came. Yeah, you know, And I
had to remind myself like, Okay, you're taking cold showers, girl,
you are not special, Like getting in the cod bat
and figure it out.
Speaker 2 (42:28):
But outside of that.
Speaker 1 (42:30):
I realized that a lot of my in dealing with
trauma and in dealing with having to be in spaces
that I feel like I can control. That that was
a really good exercise of letting go and not being
in control. And I didn't have my you know, my
comfort zones. I didn't have my friends that I can call.
(42:52):
I couldn't go distract myself with television. Well, I couldn't
get sparkling a ginger ad, you know things that and
I didn't realize I was really dependent on a lot
of things outside in myself for comfort. Yes, I am
like depending on when I am uncomfortable. I had to
(43:14):
remind myself. I actually had a conversation with a friend
of mine and she was like, don't don't let you
know yourself rob you of this experience.
Speaker 2 (43:23):
And I was like, I am operating in fear. I'm
operating in fear.
Speaker 1 (43:28):
I'm okay, I'm safe, but I'm kind of like operating
in fear because I'm out of my water and my
comfort zone. And I didn't want that to rob me
of my experience. And I just like, once I figured
that out, I was like, and have this. And then
I made it my own. You know, I think a
lot of times when we are outside of our comfort zones,
(43:50):
we feel like we just have to like conform, and
so I just like, you know what, don't you just
make it your own?
Speaker 2 (43:56):
And I made it my own. And I once I
made it my own, I owned it.
Speaker 1 (44:00):
And it was it was lovely and it was a
beautiful I tell it was like the most gentle humbling
I've ever had, because you know, you can get humbled
in some harsh ways. It was a beautiful, gentle humbling. Yeah,
that jetlag slacked out in my face, but it was okay.
I've never really have function and self love. I've never
(44:24):
really function and self acceptance, and this is my time
to learn what that is. You know. I need to
learn who I am outside of my trauma from the
childhood trauma then the you know, adult trauma. I need
(44:46):
to really know what it feels like to be in
like sovereignty with me. And that's the space that I'm
in and I know that and I'm okay with that,
and that's just is what it is. Yeah, you know
what I mean, and it is I've never been here before.
Speaker 2 (45:05):
Yeah, I don't.
Speaker 1 (45:06):
You know, It's like I don't really know self acceptance
like that, and I would like to know that. I
would like to see myself the way God intended me
to see myself, not through the reflection of anyone else
right now, you know what I mean, really just through
the eyes of God, you know, like I really I
(45:27):
didn't have that growing up. I had a lot of
things I had to overcome. I've been in survival mode
for many years before the tragedy, you know, and so
I need to.
Speaker 2 (45:41):
I need to love Onlouren and just see.
Speaker 1 (45:43):
What that is.
Speaker 3 (45:45):
And I think feel like that's actually the in reality,
the harder option, because the easier option would be to
be like, I'm just going to throw myself into another relationship,
but I'm going to throw myself into it. But actually
doing what you're doing, I always feel like I wish
we had that time or were taught to have that
time before we get into relationships when we're younger.
Speaker 2 (46:03):
Yeah, and it's not one side.
Speaker 1 (46:05):
This is very personal to me, So I'm not like,
this is not my suggestion for people. This is the
space where I am building a deeper connection with God
and myself, and so it's really this is just my
and this feels so intentional and intuitively feels like the
right thing to do, and I just will not go
(46:27):
against it.
Speaker 3 (46:28):
Yeah, And I feel like you're in your power right now.
Speaker 1 (46:31):
Thank you. I feel very like finding safety in myself,
you know what I mean.
Speaker 2 (46:37):
Like that's very important for me.
Speaker 1 (46:40):
It is.
Speaker 3 (46:40):
I feel like, so me and Lauren were invited to
the same thing yesterday, decided not to come because she
wanted to protect her energy and her time and also
what she she knows what she's able to give in
the right way. And I want to ask you with
the industry that you've been in for such a long time.
How have you manage is to separate the oh I
(47:02):
feel like I should go to this and people pleasing
and feeling like you have to stay relevant. You know,
it's so difficult in from the small amount that I've
seen of that industry to feel like you have to
be places and have to be seen and you know,
to make sure that people know that you still exist.
And so how have you balanced wanting to have a
life that you're having now while still doing the job
(47:24):
that you love, which entells so much of this.
Speaker 1 (47:27):
So that's a battle, yeah, still, because I'm like when
reality God has the final say, yeah, like it's really
not in the hands of nobody, and that's just the truth.
That's the truth. And so what I battle is the truth.
And sometimes the truth looks like it's delayed, but it's
(47:49):
not just right on time. And then like you know,
the people in your circle, that's like you gotta be
out so you're not that scene and no one is
seeing you in Adisaia to mine And I'm like, at
what price for me? Though? I feel like for me,
it's not for everybody. Everybody, you know, it works for
(48:11):
a lot of people. So I do balance that I
balance that is it a lot of fear. Am I
in fear or you know, is this my intuition? So
I'm always trying to figure that out. But more recently
I'm like, I've been out. It does not fulfill my
soul in any way.
Speaker 3 (48:32):
What you have to do.
Speaker 2 (48:34):
I'm showing up for certain people that I really care for.
Speaker 1 (48:37):
Right but and then I'm like, okay, and I don't
want to go out anymore. So yesterday I was like, yeah,
I feel like it's going to take my energy source.
I didn't feel like I was able to do that
and then come here today and be like honest and present.
Speaker 3 (48:52):
Yeah I chose, I.
Speaker 2 (48:53):
Chose, I chose us.
Speaker 1 (48:56):
But yeah, I feel like I still I find it
hard to balance that because I do want to, you know,
be with the people that I work with. I want
to you know, I want to be accountable and I
do you know, in a way you want to like
be a good in good partnership. And I just then
to make sure it's not my fear. A lot of
times it's not my fear. Untilitally, I am very much
(49:18):
intact and I'm like, I didn't have to go to that.
Speaker 3 (49:21):
But it's also hard because being an actor now involves
so much other things, but you can't have it as
your artistry and your profession. It kind of merges into
so much other stuff as well, and so there's a
lot more fluff added to That's.
Speaker 1 (49:35):
Why I cannot put my identity in my work.
Speaker 3 (49:38):
I know.
Speaker 1 (49:39):
That's why my identity is not in my work anymore.
I feel like I used to be, like, I mean,
can I need to get this job? And I know
audition and I think now I'm just like again finding
home within myself.
Speaker 3 (49:50):
Yeah, what was your favorite or like, what's the most
exciting career goal that you've reached? Like, what was something
that you were really excited that.
Speaker 1 (49:59):
Yeah, hmmm, I've really enjoyed designing capsules with Puma.
Speaker 3 (50:05):
Yeah, I love you.
Speaker 1 (50:06):
I really do enjoy that. That's really really I really
enjoy coming up with the creative with the photo shoots
and picking the photographers and picking the looks and just
being kind of like a creative director behind the scenes
on that has been like the most I love. I
realized how much I love that. I actually like being
behind the scenes more than in front. Yeah, I would
(50:31):
think that I would think just like the behind the
scenes work and you know, I've been pitching these two
ideas have nothing to do with really being in front
of the and I really like that too.
Speaker 2 (50:43):
Yeah, what you.
Speaker 3 (50:44):
Working on right now? That's exciting it? Or like what's
to come? I feel like people always love knowing what's
to come. I don't know.
Speaker 1 (50:51):
Someone asked me, like, what do you have coming up next?
I was like, ask God, I don't really know. And
that's another thing. People are like, what's coming up next?
I don't know? How about we are gonna find out
at the same time, like.
Speaker 2 (51:04):
I don't know how about nothing?
Speaker 3 (51:06):
Nothing?
Speaker 2 (51:06):
What if nothing is happening?
Speaker 3 (51:09):
I have been in that position. It's okay, Yeah, you
know what. Since my book came out, I was saying
to Jay, I kept going through these ups and downs
of like I don't think I want to do this anymore. No,
I just don't think I want to do I don't
think I want to do this anymore. I don't think
I want these things in my life anymore. And I
think it's so normal. It's it needs to be more
accepted to go through phases of the unknown of like
(51:32):
I don't and I every time someone asked me that question,
like I have no idea.
Speaker 2 (51:37):
It's so triggering it is socially.
Speaker 1 (51:39):
I feel like in what I do, it's like you
finished a movie and then before you wrap the movie,
people like, so what do you what's your next job? Like,
I'm gonna be how about what if? Sometimes in life
we are just able to be and with that, and yeah,
take in what you just finished, because if I'm just like,
I won't even be.
Speaker 2 (51:59):
I don't even know what I just did.
Speaker 1 (52:00):
I can't even integrate that in my life, you know
what I mean, And take the lesson from that. I'm
just moving, moving, moving and using.
Speaker 3 (52:08):
A place of anxiety. Like I noticed that I was
living in such a high of I had the adrenaline
mixed with the anxiety of constantly doing one thing after another.
And then when you come off that, you still have
the anxiety, but you don't have the adrenaline. And then
suddenly you're just in this constant spiral of just feeling
so high strung and almost like you're doing things with
(52:31):
zero intention. That's how I felt, and that's what drained me.
Speaker 2 (52:33):
And I don't want any train. Yeah it does.
Speaker 3 (52:35):
When you're doing anything with zero with no intention, I'm just.
Speaker 1 (52:39):
On the hamster wheel.
Speaker 2 (52:40):
Why am I doing that and you're just on the hamps.
Speaker 3 (52:41):
I was breaking. I was literally I was crying every
other day. I was like, I have no idea why
I'm doing this, Like I don't know why I'm doing
why I'm doing it, And I had to just take
I took a couple of weeks where I was like,
it does not matter whether I do this, this, this,
or this. I need to figure out what's happening within me.
Speaker 1 (52:56):
Yeah, And you know what I realized too recently, I
just had it. I was in a meeting in I
was realizing in the middle of the meeting that the
downloads that I might get from God might not be
the same downloads that other people are getting, and they
wouldn't get it if I said it anyway. So I'm
just gonna let them run it and talk and follow
my intuition.
Speaker 3 (53:16):
You said what you want to say. I don't even
know what I'm doing.
Speaker 1 (53:19):
You know what, you might not even just because your
level of success is higher or you have this job
that you can appear to know more than me. I
don't know where you are in your spirit. I don't
know how aligned you are, So I'm always curious to
that like, where are we at in our soul?
Speaker 2 (53:42):
I don't really care about your title.
Speaker 1 (53:44):
Yeah, if that's soul laying in line, you can't tell
me too much. I'm gonna follow this path, you know
what I mean. So I've been dealing with, you know,
just handling business in that way too, Like I hear you,
but that's not Yeah, that's not much. Then I'm just
gonna trust my download because it's got me.
Speaker 2 (54:07):
That's far.
Speaker 3 (54:08):
Yeah, it really has. Thank you, Thank you so much.
I didn't cry, No, I did.
Speaker 1 (54:14):
You did?
Speaker 2 (54:14):
But do you cry every episode?
Speaker 3 (54:16):
No? I cry some episodes. Honest. He's always around the
same topics.
Speaker 1 (54:20):
Got it.
Speaker 3 (54:21):
It's like me processing through having a conversation, got it.
But he's on the same time. He didn't cry.
Speaker 2 (54:25):
No, No, I cried last week in therapy.
Speaker 3 (54:28):
So yeah, yeah, yeah, I was going to ask when
was the last time? Go ahead, No, when was the
last time he cried? Last week in therapy? Yeah?
Speaker 2 (54:35):
And that cry came out of nowhere.
Speaker 1 (54:37):
I'm like, I can't believe I cried, right, Yeah, it's
nice to embrace it. Yeah, I need to cry more.
I went through his face where I cried so much.
I thought I was going to run out of his tears.
I was like, it's impossible to cry this much. I
remember being like, I'm going to run out of tears,
and then I was like, I am over crying. But
(54:57):
then I also realized that all the tears you don't cry,
they get stored up.
Speaker 2 (55:01):
They do you cry about them one day.
Speaker 3 (55:03):
Physical pain, physical energy, and stagnant energy.
Speaker 1 (55:06):
I know, I know. So it's to move, I know,
and I have a very I struggle. My relationship with
tears is a struggle. It's a struggle.
Speaker 3 (55:16):
Is there anything that you want to either say to
people about what you've been through or want them to
know about you that you that they probably wouldn't know,
but you want them to.
Speaker 1 (55:26):
Oh my god, that's a really hard question. I'm overthinking it,
but maybe I should it. Don't overthink it. I guess
trust the message that God puts on your heart no
matter what anyone says, you know, I feel like that's
really important. And then something I would want people to
know about me that they don't know. I'm trying, like.
Speaker 2 (55:44):
Y'all are just trying.
Speaker 1 (55:46):
I'm trying to y'all. I am trying to. I am
with y'all, and we are all just trying that. I
am not an expert. I'm just a reflection that what
we are all trying to figure it out?
Speaker 3 (55:59):
Right, Okay, rapid fire questions. What are you reading right now?
Speaker 1 (56:05):
I am reading The Garden Within by doctor Anita.
Speaker 2 (56:09):
Oh that's a beautiful way, it's amazing.
Speaker 3 (56:11):
What is your favorite, well, like, your favorite self care
ritual that you do right now as far as skincare, Yeah,
or like anything like a self care ritual that's for
your physical body that you do. Been planning massages once
a month on a Monday. Yes, very important. It is
so not if you have the ability. Like in I
(56:32):
radio talks about how massage is just like drinking water,
like to help detox your body. It is such a
key part of health. So just like you work out
and you eat good food, massage is like the next
thing to really help your body to detox everything.
Speaker 1 (56:47):
No sit in and I don't care for Mondays. So
if you do it on a Monday, yeah, a little
bit easier.
Speaker 3 (56:54):
Favorite skincare product you're using right now.
Speaker 1 (56:56):
It's this moisturizer from Epi Logic.
Speaker 3 (57:00):
Oh yeah, I've heard that. Do you don't care?
Speaker 1 (57:02):
I love it?
Speaker 3 (57:03):
Okay, I've been recommended that.
Speaker 1 (57:05):
Yes, it's amazing.
Speaker 3 (57:06):
What do you use on your hair?
Speaker 2 (57:08):
Sacred fiance?
Speaker 1 (57:09):
Sacred? Okay? Do I need it?
Speaker 3 (57:11):
Yes?
Speaker 1 (57:11):
You do?
Speaker 2 (57:12):
Okay, it's amazing.
Speaker 3 (57:13):
Good it is.
Speaker 1 (57:14):
I'm not just saying it is really good, really absolutely,
I'm actually almost out.
Speaker 3 (57:21):
We got it. Okay, amazing, good, great, great tips. Do
you have anything that you Oh what is your your
guilty pleasure when it comes to food?
Speaker 2 (57:31):
Oh, if I say this, the people are gonna judge me.
Speaker 3 (57:34):
No, no, tell me, no, tell me, tell me.
Speaker 1 (57:38):
Taco Bell chats horrible.
Speaker 2 (57:42):
People are gonna kill me.
Speaker 1 (57:43):
People don't kill We don't kill.
Speaker 3 (57:45):
We don't taco about. What's your order going? I know
you know about heart. You don't even have to look
at the menu.
Speaker 2 (57:49):
What is your order a Mexican people?
Speaker 3 (57:53):
Oh that yeah? Okay. I remember coming to Taco Bell
when I first came to America to visit my cousins,
and oh, we had Tacoboll every day. It was constantly
like anything. Taco Bell need the vegetarians.
Speaker 1 (58:06):
So I cannot be I admitted there, but I will
Chaco Bell and chuck e cheese.
Speaker 2 (58:10):
Oh my god, chuck e cheese. I haven't mental chuky
cheese and years
Speaker 3 (58:14):
Okay, perfect yea, and the rapid Fire thanks so yeah.
Nip's death erupted all of the childhood trauma.
Speaker 2 (00:06):
I've never really have function and self love.
Speaker 1 (00:11):
I've never really functioned in self acceptance. This is my
time to learn what that is. I need to really
know what it feels like to be in sovereignty with me.
Speaker 3 (00:25):
Lauren London is an American actress known for her roles
in films and television shows, including atl This, Christmas Baggage,
Claim You People, and more.
Speaker 1 (00:34):
That's like if I have to say I'm not that
person anymore. I'm trying to, you know, fit myself in
this box. I need you to see me in when
I can just be and if you catch it, you do,
and if you don't, you don't. We live in this
world where social media allows you to just judge all
death with everything, though everyone is on their journey in
the way that they have agreed with God to be
(00:56):
on it.
Speaker 2 (00:56):
How am I to judge that?
Speaker 1 (00:58):
Who am I to judge that?
Speaker 3 (01:01):
I'm Ralei Dablukiah. And on my podcast A Really Good Cry,
we embrace the messy and the beautiful, providing a space
for raw and filtered conversations that celebrate vulnerability and allow
you to tune in to learn, connect and find comfort together. Okay,
first all, thank you so much for doing this.
Speaker 1 (01:18):
Thank you.
Speaker 3 (01:19):
You are so busy all the time, and I know
you're a homebody and so I appreciate you coming on
and doing this.
Speaker 1 (01:24):
Oh, thank you.
Speaker 3 (01:25):
But the reason I wanted to do this is because
I feel like through our conversations, I honestly have learned
so much from you, been so reflective after speaking to you,
oh wow, and just felt like you yourself have gone
through such an incredible journey that would help so many
people to help themselves but also help other people who
(01:48):
have gone through similar things. And so I'm really excited
to have you on.
Speaker 2 (01:51):
I'm happy to be here.
Speaker 3 (01:54):
But one thing I realized when I was thinking about
this was I don't know so much about you pre
us meeting. Yeah, what about you? I get glimpses of it. Yeah,
well you told me about past versions of yourself. Yeah,
but I feel like I don't know you. So one
of the questions that I want to start with is
how did you get into acting? Like, what was your journey?
Speaker 1 (02:11):
Take? What was that journey I was I started off
in music videos.
Speaker 2 (02:19):
I was a production assistant.
Speaker 1 (02:22):
Actually I was a PA for a music video and
commercial production office. And then I was then Paul Hunter's
assistant who directed commercials and music videos. So I was
in a lot of his videos and one or two commercials.
And then I got let go from the job because
I wasn't a really great assistant. And I realized that
(02:48):
my mom really gave me like an ultimate like, you know,
you have to figure out what you want to do
with your life, and if you really did want to act,
you need to get serious about it.
Speaker 3 (02:56):
What age was this?
Speaker 2 (02:57):
Eighteen?
Speaker 1 (02:58):
Okay, eighteen, I would say, And so I started taking
acting classes like that was like the first thing to
do was to just stance class.
Speaker 2 (03:08):
And so I was in class like.
Speaker 1 (03:10):
Wednesdays and Fridays from like six pm to midnight, like
closed in classes. And then actually one of the guys
that I worked with at the production office was Chris
Robinson's assistant. His name is Carl, and I found out
that Chris Robinson was directing a movie that was going
(03:30):
to in turn be atl and so I was like, Carl,
you have to give me an audition. I've been doing
acting classes like please please please, long story short, They
got me an audition. It took like four hours to
get to the audition because my car stopped on the
way there. It was just like a tragic, horrifying it
was a movie itself. And so then auditioned for ATL,
(03:51):
did a screen test. The casting director on ATL gave
me set up meetings for me to get an agent,
and then after I just was working. After that, was.
Speaker 3 (04:03):
That what you always wanted to do? Like when you
were younger, what was your dream of what you wanted
to grow up to do?
Speaker 1 (04:09):
When I look back, I always wanted to act. I
think that was also a means of like escaping reality
and being someone else and you know, pouring your emotions
into something else, but like it not being forefronting you.
So I feel like when I was younger, I've always
wanted to do it. I don't remember wanting to do
anything else.
Speaker 3 (04:29):
Yeah, okay, wait, so eighteen years old, if I knew
you then, or if no, not knowing you, then, how
would you or your friends describe you at that age?
Speaker 1 (04:39):
I want to know A ticking time bind I was
really now that I'm like in therapy and like can
actually have like a educated view on and compassion on
like what I was going through at the time. I
was like really a ticking time mom. But I was
also very I was still much, very much a homebody,
(05:01):
still very private.
Speaker 2 (05:03):
I've always been really private.
Speaker 1 (05:06):
I feel like I've always been to myself, like my
core group of friends, but definitely spicier than what I
am now. I was sassy, hand on my hip, don't
mess with me, you know, if you're trying to check temperature,
this water is hot, like.
Speaker 2 (05:24):
I was giving that energy.
Speaker 1 (05:27):
But pretty much the essence of me has been the
same as far as just like privacy to myself, chill,
but then I was definitely a little bit more fire.
Speaker 3 (05:37):
And as you grew up, did you find that you
were able to keep the friends that were in that
phase of life with you? Or as you changed and evolved,
did your friendship groups change? How did you manage that?
Because I find that that's something that I struggled with
when I was growing and changing. That I was one
(05:57):
person when I was eighteen, and even though that person
might have been okay in some ways, I wanted to
adapt and grow and change in so many ways, but
it was a big change and shift for me that
what I then wanted to end up doing wasn't necessarily
what my friends wanted to do. And so I think
a lot of people go through that where they shed themselves,
but then it's hard to know whether they have to
(06:18):
shed the people around them too.
Speaker 1 (06:19):
I feel like I went through that later on, Like
I feel like that feels more relatable recently than it
did when I was younger. I think, you know, when
I was younger, I maintained a lot of friendships and
I still do have, you know, those friends, but I now,
just in my own evolution, have opened up to newer
(06:43):
friend groups, people outside of what I find so relatable.
I just am just more open to that. So I
feel like that phase and that lesson came later in.
Speaker 2 (06:54):
Life, and that is difficult.
Speaker 1 (06:56):
I do feel like there's not enough conversation around like
friendship shifts.
Speaker 3 (07:02):
Yeah, and what was the thing that shifted you? Like?
What do you remember a time where you had a
specific moment where you were like, I don't want to
be like this anymore. Was that Was there something that
made you feel that way about yourself or was it
just over time as you grew up and went through
different things.
Speaker 1 (07:18):
I think more recently, just how I had to make
very big changes in my life. Life made some changes
for me, and then I had to make the choice
to go a certain direction on just like energetically and
certain conversations I didn't want to indulge in anymore, and
certain energies I didn't want to engage with anymore. And
(07:40):
so that creates isolation too, until you find a tribe
that is similar to what you really want to like,
engage with. Yeah, so yeah, that's more recently than anything.
Speaker 3 (07:53):
Yeah, and do you find it quite easy to separate
yourself from it now? Like how do you create those
boundaries between you and the person that people know you
as will still associate you with, versus the areas and
the path that you're choosing to take now.
Speaker 1 (08:12):
Yeah, it's so funny. I was. I was joking with
one of my best friends last night, and I was like, girl,
you don't really know me anymore. But it was a joke.
But I was like, hmm, maybe there is some truth
to that. But I do feel like I feel like
if I have to say I'm not that person anymore,
that means I am still part of you know. It's
like trying to force people to see this new version
(08:33):
of me means that I have no compassion for that
past I'm just trying to, you know, fit myself in
this box. I need you to see me in when
I can just be and if you catch it, you do,
and if you don't, you don't. But I'm okay just
being me as I am right now, and also being
okay with the past versions of myself, not being so
(08:53):
judgmental on them. I'm like, I'm not that girl anymore
and just being more like, actually, that girl was so
strong and she brought me to this point.
Speaker 2 (09:02):
I love her so much.
Speaker 1 (09:03):
Thank you so much, you know, And so I just
don't if someone doesn't see it how I see it,
or doesn't get it how I get in it, won't
see me how I see myself. Now, I'm just like,
that's just where you are. People can only perceive you
with how deep they see themselves. I think that's like
a saying, you know, like I can only see you
(09:24):
and have so much compassion for you with how much
compassion I have for myself and where I meet myself.
Speaker 3 (09:29):
That's so true. I love what you said about not
being able to like if you have to constantly tell
people that you're a certain way, it's you trying to
make yourself believe it.
Speaker 2 (09:37):
Absolutely.
Speaker 3 (09:38):
But I think I've always struggled with that, with having
other people's perception of me being something that it's not.
It's something that I find so hard to manage without
it taking over the way that I then see myself.
And but that's them, Yeah, that's at.
Speaker 1 (09:53):
The level they've reached themselves, because I can even go
back to times where I wasn't so open to other
people changing or other people's evolution, and like, why she
acting like that? It's because I wasn't theory yet.
Speaker 3 (10:05):
Yeah, but it's such a good reflection point where, actually,
are you trying to prove it to them because you're
not quite there yet and you haven't made it to
where you want to be? Or is it actually like
I see it more as a reflection point that wow,
whenever I'm trying to prove myself, who am I trying
to prove it to me? Like, yeah, I'm trying to
prove it to my talent.
Speaker 1 (10:23):
I used to tell my mom like, I'm grown, I'm ground,
I'm grown.
Speaker 2 (10:25):
I'm like, Okay, why do you have to keep saying
you're ground?
Speaker 1 (10:27):
If you're ground, you're grown. Love is you don't have
to keep telling her that you know and I think
my mom said that, like, Okay, why are you telling me?
Speaker 3 (10:34):
Yeah, even rather Thanaswami, he talks about how true integrity
is when and true integrity and when you can actually
pierce and penetrate someone's heart with what you're saying is
when your thoughts, your actions, and your words are all aligned.
And then so you don't have to say, you don't
have to tell people what to do. You just live
(10:54):
it and you're being it, and you are fully that.
And so I think about the people that I've been
affected by the most in life, and it's those people.
They've never said do this or do that. It's like
I see their lives and I think, oh my God,
like I want that peace. I want that contentment purely
through the way that they're living. And then exactly, you're
(11:16):
like hmmm.
Speaker 1 (11:17):
And then I asked the questions like what's your practice,
what does that look like? Or like you know, yeah, exactly,
So it's just being.
Speaker 3 (11:24):
I feel like you've told me that you were before.
You've told me that you always had a spiritual inclination
from when you were younger. Yes, do you feel like
through the work that you've done with yourself, you've unpacked
where that comes from or what that connection was for
you when you were younger, and could you share like
some of the practices that you still maintain now.
Speaker 1 (11:45):
I always felt very connected to God early on, and
so as just time is evolving, I realized that a
lot of it was like God's grace and love over me,
you know, just have this tenacity for service and you know,
connection with the most high. I feel like that's like
(12:07):
God's grace really over my life.
Speaker 3 (12:10):
How did it show up for you when you were younger?
Speaker 1 (12:12):
Just when I look back on my testimony just where
you know, things weren't going so well, but that I
was still intact and I was okay, did you.
Speaker 3 (12:22):
Still feel God's presence through that time?
Speaker 2 (12:25):
I look at it now and I do. I'm like, wow,
God was right there.
Speaker 1 (12:28):
I was actually really covered, you know, just to even
have the still the love and the tenacity for God still,
you know, after everything, you know, we as people go through.
I think it's just a grace and gift, like thank
You that I'm still here seeking your love and sitting
in your presence, you know. Yeah. And I think just
(12:49):
as far as like I didn't have such a strong
spiritual practice growing up, I realized I was very connected
to like crystals.
Speaker 3 (12:58):
And very very curious, very cute all the stories you've
told me.
Speaker 2 (13:02):
I was just like, what is this?
Speaker 1 (13:03):
You know? How did you know? Who was this?
Speaker 3 (13:06):
What did you tell me about this story? Was it
Amma or something when you were younger?
Speaker 1 (13:10):
Yes?
Speaker 2 (13:11):
Who gave the sacred hugs?
Speaker 1 (13:13):
My friend's mom medeas, Yeah, I stay in line for
hours for this mantra and this hug, and just like
entertaining and experiencing other spiritual modalities and teachings and books.
I was always really curious about it, and still to
this day that is a practice I still keep it.
Speaker 3 (13:34):
I think truth the truth.
Speaker 1 (13:35):
Seeker would I will call myself a truth seeker, like
I really seek the truth.
Speaker 3 (13:40):
I think I feel like true faith requires curiosity, Like
if you're content, always think about this. If I was,
I was born into a into a family with a
specific religion, with a specific practice. But you can either
go through life and do things so mechanically, which is
a lot of people when they grow up in faith
or in a specific religion do, or you start to
(14:03):
become curious and realize it just because you're born to
a certain thing, or just because you've been told a
certain thing, that doesn't mean that you shouldn't feel the
curiosity of other places that you can find peace, other
places that you can find contentment. And I, as part
of my culture, really struggled with that. I would think, oh, wow,
I have to just believe in what I believe in,
Otherwise I'm defying my culture. Otherwise I'm defying my religion.
(14:27):
At the time that I was feeling, and then when
I started reading Christian books and when I started reading
Sufi prayers, and then You're like, wow, Actually, true faith
is understanding that you can learn from so many different places.
And I feel that helps so much. That you put
yourself into these positions which could be very uncomfortable or
(14:50):
unknown or unfamiliar, but you will really lean into them.
And I think that that's such a I think that
is the key to growth and the key to actually
creating a deep rooted faith for yourself. I agree.
Speaker 1 (15:05):
I mean, I even in India, I feel like my
relations travel to India together.
Speaker 3 (15:10):
It was so much fun, but it was also testing.
Speaker 2 (15:13):
It was very testing.
Speaker 1 (15:15):
And it's like, as much as you think you're humble,
and I'm humble, it's like India was like are you,
And it was a gentle humbling for me.
Speaker 3 (15:22):
It's just unfamiliar, unfamiliar with familiar environment.
Speaker 1 (15:26):
And I'm a control you know, I'm working on not
being so having to be in so much control, which
is dealing with childhood trauma and adult trauma. You know,
you kind of have the sense of needing to control things,
and so being out of control and having this trust
in a foreign country, away from everything that keeps you comfortable,
(15:49):
was a very gentle humbling for me. But I say
I am adding that because I feel like my relationship
with Jesus deepened in India.
Speaker 3 (15:58):
Isn't that so amazing?
Speaker 1 (16:00):
That's beautiful My prayers, the songs in my head.
Speaker 2 (16:04):
It was beautiful.
Speaker 3 (16:05):
Watching you pray on that trip. One brought taste to
my eyes, but such happy tists because it made me
realize how much more I wanted to connect through prayer,
like we have different Like the way that I grew up,
there was prayer, but it was like you were taught
the prayers to say, yeah, what to say to God,
You were taught how to communicate with spirit. You were taught,
(16:26):
but the words aren't yours. And so I grew up
in a way where I didn't actually think what do
I want to talk to God about? Like how do
I want to communicate? What do I want to say
on a daily basis? It was never something that I
thought of. It wasn't like a sitting at the side
of my bed diar God moment. It was like, Okay,
in the morning, I wake up and I say these prayers,
and the afternoon I say these prayers. And so when
(16:47):
I got I honestly my eyes opened so much with
you and Jada watching the way that you communicate with
yourself and with God and the universe through prayer. And
it was such a beautiful thing to witness that because
it's allowed me to deepen my practice through watching that.
But I want to know, how do you, like, how
(17:07):
did you get into the practice of prayer and how
do you because I think that's something that many people
struggle with, it's how do I talk to God?
Speaker 1 (17:15):
I still struggle with it too, Yes, I still very
much struggle with it. But prayer was introduced to me
very early on. I watched, you know, even though my
mom wasn't very religious, I watched Mom get on her
knees every night and just be grateful but I also
have an aunt who is like a prayer warrior. I
feel like she can shift mountains with prayer, and I've
(17:39):
witnessed things shift with her prayers. I've witnessed the power
of prayer physically through my aunt's prayers. I'm always like,
if it gets too rev I go to my auntie
house and she gets to praying, and you know, and
then through Reverend Michael, who was like a godfather to me,
(18:00):
teachers about affirm like affirmative prayer in your like. So
I used to think I had to get on my knees,
I had to be like a special you know, this
special discipline. I realized it's just like I'm in constant
communication with God. I'm in constant like thank you. I'm
in constant like I'm afraid right here. Show me that
I'm okay, Show me that you love me. God, Please
(18:21):
remind me that you love me. Remind me of your
love over my life. Remind me of your plan over
my life. I'm losing faith. I'm a real afraid right now,
you know.
Speaker 2 (18:30):
And that's it.
Speaker 1 (18:30):
Sometimes Sometimes the prayer is just thank you so much
for my breath, thank you so much for my protection today,
Thank you so much, the kids made at home, you know,
and remember it's just the converse, the constant conversation. Yeah,
the communion, you know what I mean. And I'm still
learning to just be in more communication with God. I
feel like I can do so much better with all things.
(18:52):
But I would like to you know, I'm like, what
what is it that I would like for God to
feel about me? And I really like for got to
be pleased with you know, I'm not perfect, but I
would just like to please Yeah, you know God.
Speaker 3 (19:07):
No, that's really beautiful thinking about it as a not
just the daily practice that's ritualistic, but every moment, what
is that communication?
Speaker 1 (19:16):
Your breath is a prayer. Yeah, your breath is a
prayer like thank you, thank you exactly.
Speaker 3 (19:21):
And every moment it's like, rather than thinking about yourself
or thinking to call someone, or you know, the habit
that we have of constantly wanting to we have a
human human need to want to communicate with something or someone.
It's like, you want to be intimate and connected to something,
and we sometimes misplace that where it's like if you're
in the car and you want to busy yourself, you'll
(19:43):
call someone. We'll put on music, But why not just
have a conversation, why not have a moment of reflection
or time to be grateful like every single moment. And
the way gratitude is always so overused, We're like, just
be grateful, but actually, how you just described it, It's like, no,
be grateful of every breath, like every moment. I'm so
grateful my kids came in every single day, Like that
(20:05):
is something to be so grateful for.
Speaker 1 (20:07):
It's like, Wow, things that we take for granted that
we just assume are just always going to just you know,
be there. I'm just like, I know I'm not special,
So thank you for your grace and your love and
your covering you know you.
Speaker 3 (20:22):
Joannel, Yes, And we're just talking about that.
Speaker 1 (20:25):
And I never thought I was going to be a journalist.
I'm like, I cannop, I'm turning into my mom And
what was it that took you to journaling? And I
struggle with.
Speaker 3 (20:34):
Janelin and I still do. Even if I have one
of those the the you know books that come as
journals where they give you prompts that sometimes doesn't.
Speaker 2 (20:43):
Those don't work for me. They don't work for me,
don't work for me.
Speaker 1 (20:46):
I just have to have a notebook, and that turns
the page in those lines.
Speaker 2 (20:49):
I just need a line notebook for me.
Speaker 1 (20:51):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (20:52):
And is it free writing that you do?
Speaker 1 (20:54):
I free write anything that comes into your mind, everything
that comes to mind, things that sound nuts. I just
get it out because it's there. I need it out.
And so I especially like things that aren't so positive
that I don't want to exchange with someone else, I'll
write it. I'll just write like everything I feel about it. Yeah, like, oh,
I actually don't need to say it. I can rip
(21:16):
this page up. I got this emotion out. And then
sometimes I realize, like I don't need to say that,
this is what.
Speaker 2 (21:22):
I'm really feeling. How am I really feeling?
Speaker 1 (21:24):
You know what I mean? And then sometimes just like
I journaled this morning, like in my and my free
writing was really a prayer, I realized, because I was
just asking God to just keep me clear and just
allow me to be a channel that I don't want.
You know, one of my biggest prayers is like, God,
I don't want people to see me. Allow me to
be a vessel, and it allowed your works to move through,
(21:46):
you know. So Yeah, I just free write whatever. And
sometimes I write I don't want to write today, I
am over it? Why and like that's you know, it's like, oh,
everybody gets on my nerves, Like everything is just to
get it out, and I feel like it's just self freeing.
Speaker 3 (22:03):
Is that's the only way that I've been able to
use journaling regularly. And sometimes it's on my notes page
on my phone and one of the aggressive stuff that
goes into that notes page on my phone.
Speaker 1 (22:13):
It's so good, but it has to get it out.
Speaker 3 (22:17):
From communicating in negative ways.
Speaker 2 (22:20):
It stops you from response. It's a filter.
Speaker 1 (22:25):
It is a very needed filter for me because I
was very I would be quick to go after handle
and be like, hey, I didn't like how you just
write about it.
Speaker 3 (22:35):
Yeah, I think we met. Was it a year after
or maybe just after Nipsy past Or left? Was it
a year maybe when you came secured them? I think
it was in the year in the year, I think
it was in the year and I realized, like from
since then, which has been a good few years, I
(22:58):
feel like I didn't know much about him before, but
I feel like through you, I've come to love him
and appreciate him so much because of how you speak
about him and how you have you know channeled his
energy through the things that you do. And I wanted
to ask because I don't know this story, but maybe
you've told it before. How did you NPS meet? Yeah? Also,
(23:21):
do I call him Nipsey? You?
Speaker 1 (23:23):
Yeah, you can hustle? Yeah?
Speaker 2 (23:28):
Yeah, how do we meet?
Speaker 3 (23:30):
Oh my god, I love I love these stories, So
tell me.
Speaker 1 (23:36):
Oh my god, my memory is so whack these days,
but I do remember how we met. We were Oh,
I was on a set and at the time, he
had dropped this Crenshaw mixtape that all the ladies on set,
like the glam was like listening to, and I was like,
oh my god, it'd be so dope if I.
Speaker 2 (23:57):
And they were all from LA. We were in Atlanta shooting.
Speaker 1 (23:59):
I was like, to be really cool if I like
got him, got them his mixtape and all, like you know,
the Crenshaw stuff. And so I had reached out to
a friend of mine, Danny, like, hey, do you know Nip, Like,
could you reach out and to see but I can
get a discount on some and stuff because I'm kind
of buying in bulk. He's like yeah, And so Nip
never reached out. His manager then reached out to my
(24:22):
friend and I didn't get the discount either, and so I.
Speaker 2 (24:26):
Was like, Okay, I guess he's that. I was like,
I guess he's not trying to give me.
Speaker 1 (24:30):
It's fine, and so then I bought the stuff, gave
the girls a wrap gifts, and then I ended up
following him on I don't even remember what social you
see my memory is, so.
Speaker 2 (24:45):
Maybe it was Twitter, or.
Speaker 1 (24:49):
At the time it was Twitter. I don't know, I
remember Instagram.
Speaker 2 (24:51):
Maybe I started.
Speaker 1 (24:51):
Following him and then he DMed me like, hey.
Speaker 2 (24:54):
Thank you for this.
Speaker 1 (24:56):
Damn. He's like, thanks, thanks for this, sup poor appreciates
you send me your sizes so I can send you
a personal box. And then he gave me his number,
and so then I text him because I was like,
I don't do DM okay.
Speaker 3 (25:08):
But did you think it was really cute?
Speaker 1 (25:10):
Then I thought, yeah, I thought he was fine maybe
even first of all, me following him was very I
was like, he took the bait. No, yes, I thought
he was I always thought he was very attractive. I
actually had like friends that knew him that were like,
I think you guys will get along, you know, years
before that. But you know, I was just on my
(25:31):
like single mom stuff. I wasn't really like, you know whatever.
So I text him like, hey, this is a boogie.
I don't really do the DM, but here are my sizes,
here's the shipping address. And he sent back like a
funny little thing and he's like, yeah, I know you
from LA and told me what high school I went to,
and so that is yeah, And.
Speaker 3 (25:51):
So that went on.
Speaker 1 (25:52):
That was like a five to eight hour conversation the
first day. Yeah, and then that was it.
Speaker 3 (25:58):
How would you, obviously you guys were together for a while,
how would you in a few sentences or have along
describe what your love was like?
Speaker 2 (26:07):
Intentional, pure, and save.
Speaker 3 (26:14):
Those are beautiful words. Yeah, I definitely get that sense
from me. Whenever you've spoken about him, what would you
say that you learned most from him while he was
alive and the difference between what you learned from him
since he left? Because I feel like you've had such
a it feels like you have such a strong connection
to him even after he's not in this world.
Speaker 1 (26:35):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (26:36):
And that's another thing that I honestly feel I have
learnt so much from you, is how not to how
not to stop life? And I theoretically I know, like
in my mind. I know that the soul is forever
like that is something I believe so deeply. But you're
the first person I've seen truly put it into practice,
(26:58):
like honestly, because I've not been I haven't been close
enough to death within my close proximity, like all the
people that I mean the most to me are still alive,
or like I lost my granddad when I was really young,
but I haven't felt that yet. And me and Jay
talk about this a lot because it's something that I
struggle with all the time I think about it. But
you you'll be okay. Yeah, I know, I hope, I know,
(27:22):
But you the way that you communicate it just has
really helped me to process it in my mind. So
my my crying. It's like talking about you. I cry
every time I think about this. Yeah, I really appreciate
the way that you are able to use him again,
(27:43):
like be a vessel of what he was doing and
still find joy in it. Like it makes me cry
because it makes me so happy to see you do it. So, yeah,
what did you What do you feel has shifted in
what you learned from him while he was here versus now?
Speaker 1 (27:58):
Yeah?
Speaker 3 (28:00):
Who?
Speaker 1 (28:02):
So all the things he was saying to me made
more sense after he left. Oh you know, he spoke
a lot about like he I'm such like in my
cave and a homebody that he was like, belive, the
people really need to hear from you, like you have
a lot, Like you have a.
Speaker 2 (28:21):
Lot of truth you should share.
Speaker 1 (28:23):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (28:23):
Oh my god, he saw me. He saw me. He
saw me like my kids see me.
Speaker 1 (28:28):
You know. So it's more about like afterwards, all the
things he said really and just like I was like, wow,
my god, he was so that was so true. But
when he was here, just the reliance on God. Yeah,
you know, he really relied on God. He truly believed
in himself. He really did not believe in you know,
(28:51):
someone has the key to your destiny as much as
you do, as much as you and your creator does,
you know, and so and just all the city is
something you can't buy. It's something you can't fake, it's
something you cannot put on. It really has to be you.
And I remember him telling me that. He was like, Boogie,
you know, you're real authentic. That's something people can't buy.
(29:12):
It's not for sale. You know, no matter how long
it takes, you don't lose that. Yeah, and yeah, I
constantly even I listened to like his music.
Speaker 2 (29:23):
Now I'm like, oh my god, Hustle hear it differently.
I hear it differently.
Speaker 3 (29:29):
How was obviously every single person it's going to go
through grief in their life, what was some of the lesson? Well, first,
what was the process? Like, how did you go from
I assume the hardest thing you've ever had to go
through to being who you are? Now? Where you are
such like a prize to people when you meet like you.
Speaker 2 (29:53):
You I still feel like a mess.
Speaker 1 (29:54):
That's the thing is, like, I still feel like a mess,
and I guess I I have to ask my friends
how far I've come because I still genuinely feel like
I have not arrived anywhere.
Speaker 3 (30:09):
You don't carry heavy energy, you know when you feel.
Speaker 2 (30:11):
No God, I feel like I'm really heavy a lot.
Speaker 1 (30:14):
But again I have to counter that to just like
the grace of God, because if it was up to me,
I would be slow like sliding in here on my stomach,
you know.
Speaker 2 (30:25):
But you know, I also don't want.
Speaker 1 (30:27):
To take away from the work that I've done from
then until now. So I don't want to do that
because I'm good at doing that.
Speaker 3 (30:35):
Can you think of like key things that pushed you
through from my kids are really big things.
Speaker 1 (30:41):
But also I was fortunate to have a lot of
wise people around me. You know, my community was really strong.
I had a lot of healers with me. I had,
you know, I always say, Queen of Fua, Reverend Michael,
and then God just placed people my life that can
kind of just usher me in and teach me and
(31:05):
guide me. I always say, the prayer of strangers have
held me up. I swear I feel like the people's
prayers have I can cry. I mean, I feel like
the prayers of strangers have held me up.
Speaker 3 (31:18):
Yeah, there's a can't remember who says it, but I say,
you have no idea whose prayers are saving you, and.
Speaker 1 (31:24):
I swear it's the people. I swear people have been
praying for me. And I feel it. Every time I
run into anybody and they're like, I've been praying for you,
I'm like, and I have felt it. Thank you. You
know that's not just a blanket statement, you know. Yeah,
I feel like my you know, my morning routine has
really helped.
Speaker 3 (31:44):
Yeah, what does that consist of for you normally?
Speaker 1 (31:47):
Well, it's changing, it's changing, but it started off with
a reading. It started off with prayer, meditation. I started
meditating during grief. Meditation was not a practice of mine.
Speaker 3 (32:04):
What kind of meditation?
Speaker 1 (32:05):
Is it?
Speaker 3 (32:05):
Silent or.
Speaker 1 (32:08):
Guided?
Speaker 2 (32:08):
And then it turned into silent?
Speaker 1 (32:10):
Yeah, but mostly guided.
Speaker 3 (32:13):
And I know you've talked to me about shadow work.
Explain to me because I feel like most people may
not have heard of it. What is that? And how
did that bring you or change? Like, how did that
change you or help you to grow through greef?
Speaker 1 (32:28):
So I'm not you know, I'm not well versed on it,
But what did it do for you?
Speaker 2 (32:33):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (32:33):
What did it? Held me accountable? It helped me accountable
to the spaces inside of me that we're ego driven,
allowed me to be okay with my past past versions
of me that I could look back on and judge
(32:54):
and like want to hide from. But it just allowed
that openness of like, actually, without this, you wouldn't have that,
you know what I mean? And then your past versions
of yourself are just trying the best they can what
they got, you know what I mean. But just holding
myself accountable because I feel like accountability is the only
way you can really move forward and actually shift and
(33:15):
change and make healthier choices.
Speaker 3 (33:19):
Yeah, absolutely, and so shadowy because when you.
Speaker 1 (33:23):
Sorry, it's just you know, yeah, I mean from my
perspective again, there are people that are like very well
versed in this and can really give you a rundown.
And I am not an expert in any way. I'm
just I'm just an experiencer. But it's just like looking
in the spaces of yourself that again are ego driven,
that you necessarily want to brush under a rug, ways
(33:48):
that you act, thoughts that you have, ways that you
ways you've affected others, that is just not necessarily your
most you know, I don't want to say best all
versions of you are great, but you know, like you
could judge that part of you. And also just like
the pain, the trauma, the sadness, the you know, things
(34:11):
that we might call week that aren't really they kind
of like usher you into because without the shadow, whereas
the you know, the light is now more illuminated in
the shadow.
Speaker 3 (34:21):
I feel like, yeah, I always find that whenever I
notice that I have work to do in certain areas
by how I look and judge other people. And so
in my weeks where I notice myself, whether it's me
talking negatively about someone in my mind, or whether it's
seeing them in a different light or getting irritated at
people for certain things. It's like every single thing that
(34:44):
you actually get irritated with is so much a trigger
about you. Absolutely, it's so much a reflection of you.
And I think it's so much easier to point fingers
at other people. It's so much easier to say it's
them who's wrong, and so much easier to think that
it's them, and you can go through your whole life. I
went through so much of my life when I was younger,
until I moved away from home and had to spend
(35:07):
so much time by myself to actually think and see
who I was because it was so covered up by me.
Speaker 1 (35:13):
Judgment Yeah, yeah, absolutely, yeah, And judgment is a big thing.
I think that everyone you know, I feel like kind
of you. And then we live in this world where
social media allows you to just judge.
Speaker 3 (35:26):
A constantly, yeah, with every finger.
Speaker 1 (35:29):
Yeah, And that's sometimes to get off, like, I don't
I'm sitting in judgment. I don't want to because everyone
is on their journey in the way that they have
agreed with God to be on it.
Speaker 2 (35:38):
How am I to judge?
Speaker 1 (35:39):
There? Who am I to judge there?
Speaker 3 (35:42):
Who am I?
Speaker 1 (35:42):
Yeah?
Speaker 3 (35:43):
And yeah I think about that too. It's like someone's weeds.
We all have weeds, but when other people's weeds look
like a different breed or a different kind, or they
flower differently or the same time, they smell differently. But
you're like, oh, but my weeds are way better than
those persons weeds, and they're for weeds and weeds we
will have them.
Speaker 1 (36:03):
And it's like, I don't know what agreement you made
with your soul's evolution. I don't you know what I mean?
And I'm a judge where you are with it? No,
And I've learned like what goes around comes around. So
the minute I'm sitting here judging on you, I'm going
to experience the equal amount of that. You know, It's
(36:23):
like a ripple effect, and I don't want to put
those ripples in the water. No, I don't want those
type of ripples to turn back.
Speaker 3 (36:30):
How did you get to a point? Because now I
feel like whenever you talk about Nick, you are joking
or you're like thinking of something that was really funny.
How it's so nice to see that you can get
to a place where you can do that but I
also feel how do you constantly feel connected and channel
(36:53):
Is it the same way that you connect to God
when you end up kind of trying to do you
still have conversations? Do you still try and communicate and
have a connection to Him beyond obviously his physical presence here?
But how did you get to a point of being
able to just laugh and joke about it? Because I
feel like most people that I've met, and I think
it's maybe part of my culture, it's kind of kept
(37:14):
very they don't like speaking about it for so many years.
Speaker 1 (37:18):
I think that's just in general. I think death is
a yeah, as common as it is, it's really it's
really hard.
Speaker 3 (37:25):
One thing that's sad, but the one thing we talk
about the least because.
Speaker 1 (37:28):
It feels so final. I know, it feels so final,
you know, in a way it is here right physically.
I also feel like, once you know, Hustle passed, I
was just like I got I'm just gonna be myself.
Speaker 2 (37:47):
It is just gonna be what it is.
Speaker 1 (37:50):
What the hell?
Speaker 2 (37:51):
What the hell just happened here?
Speaker 1 (37:53):
But I feel like when I am in in linement
with God and with my higher self, then I'll have
dreams about him or I'll see the signs, you know
what I mean, and that when I'm not when i'm
not so aligned, I'm not able. It's like a fog.
(38:16):
I'm not able to see the signs. I'm not able.
And I think that's even like, you know, just in life.
I think when you are just in alignment with God,
you know, you just see the little miracles throughout the day,
and you know, when we're not and we're having one
of those moments and we're in those spaces, it's just
a little bit more foggy and it's hard to see.
(38:37):
So I would just attribute any signs I see in
any type of clarity or you know, dreams or when
I'm in alignment with myself, it makes sense.
Speaker 3 (38:47):
Like everything, you're allowing yourself to be a clean vessel
to have those connections.
Speaker 2 (38:54):
I'm a witness to them.
Speaker 3 (38:55):
You know, you have two incredible children. Gosh, we love them.
Across the bus and Cam the man. How doing how
do you you've explained You've told me this before and
I thought it was really lovely. How you managed to
celebrate the difficult days that come with grief, how you
(39:18):
celebrate them with your children? How you keep you know
the legacy going, how you keep them feeling connected. Do
you have anything to share that you would like to
on those topics, because I feel like you've spoken to
me about it and I really appreciated what you said
about it.
Speaker 1 (39:35):
Yeah. Well, it's so different with both of them, because
one fourteen the other one seven.
Speaker 2 (39:40):
So you know, I'm always just a space.
Speaker 1 (39:44):
I'm like a container for whatever emotion that they have,
whether it's sadness or anger. I'm just like, it's okay
to feel all these things. You know, I'm holding it
for you. I feel you, I understand, I hear you. Yes,
it's so hard, you know, but so you know, playing
his music, write I'm always telling them to journal as well,
(40:07):
like write them a letter, tell me how you feel,
you know, and let's put it away. And you know,
I feel like, you know, I teach my little one
to and my eldest son knows is too, but to
pay attention to the signs, oh there's a white butterfly,
there's a humming bird, or you know, and really just
(40:30):
expressing their feelings and just being a container and just
always explaining to them that you know, no one ever
really dies with your spirits and this big body container,
and you.
Speaker 2 (40:42):
Know we will be we are together.
Speaker 1 (40:44):
We just can't see, you know what I mean, just
kind of trying to explain it to them spiritually so
that they have the language when they get older. But
I just, you know, I think more importantly, I just
am trying to hold space for them.
Speaker 2 (40:59):
Yeah, because there's really nothing I can.
Speaker 1 (41:01):
Say or do as much as it is that I
can just be the safe space for them for their emotions,
and then I can create a space for them to
connect and it's a communication.
Speaker 3 (41:11):
I feel like sometimes it's that feeling of not being
able to express to that person what you want to say.
We write it down exactly exactly. I think that's such
a beautiful way to stay in touch with that. We
were talking about India before and we went India together.
But you know, India was a sign of how to
embrace discomfort. And so when you went to India, I
(41:35):
want to hear from you because I thought you didn't know,
but you were incredible. We joke and laugh about that.
Speaker 2 (41:40):
Really incredible you really were.
Speaker 3 (41:43):
Everything was so everything was foreign, everything was unknown, but
you got up every single morning at like three am.
You participated and wanted to embrace everything. In your discomfort,
like how in something, whether it's physical discomforts, like sometimes
it was that what is your how do you make
(42:04):
something that feels uncomfortable and convince yourself and to like
make yourself go through it?
Speaker 1 (42:09):
What do you?
Speaker 3 (42:10):
What do you do? Because it's so easy to just
show you could have been booking my flyer.
Speaker 1 (42:13):
Yeah, what I was like, you had to remind myself
of the reason I came. Yeah, you know, And I
had to remind myself like, Okay, you're taking cold showers, girl,
you are not special, Like getting in the cod bat
and figure it out.
Speaker 2 (42:28):
But outside of that.
Speaker 1 (42:30):
I realized that a lot of my in dealing with
trauma and in dealing with having to be in spaces
that I feel like I can control. That that was
a really good exercise of letting go and not being
in control. And I didn't have my you know, my
comfort zones. I didn't have my friends that I can call.
(42:52):
I couldn't go distract myself with television. Well, I couldn't
get sparkling a ginger ad, you know things that and
I didn't realize I was really dependent on a lot
of things outside in myself for comfort. Yes, I am
like depending on when I am uncomfortable. I had to
(43:14):
remind myself. I actually had a conversation with a friend
of mine and she was like, don't don't let you
know yourself rob you of this experience.
Speaker 2 (43:23):
And I was like, I am operating in fear. I'm
operating in fear.
Speaker 1 (43:28):
I'm okay, I'm safe, but I'm kind of like operating
in fear because I'm out of my water and my
comfort zone. And I didn't want that to rob me
of my experience. And I just like, once I figured
that out, I was like, and have this. And then
I made it my own. You know, I think a
lot of times when we are outside of our comfort zones,
(43:50):
we feel like we just have to like conform, and
so I just like, you know what, don't you just
make it your own?
Speaker 2 (43:56):
And I made it my own. And I once I
made it my own, I owned it.
Speaker 1 (44:00):
And it was it was lovely and it was a
beautiful I tell it was like the most gentle humbling
I've ever had, because you know, you can get humbled
in some harsh ways. It was a beautiful, gentle humbling. Yeah,
that jetlag slacked out in my face, but it was okay.
I've never really have function and self love. I've never
(44:24):
really function and self acceptance, and this is my time
to learn what that is. You know. I need to
learn who I am outside of my trauma from the
childhood trauma then the you know, adult trauma. I need
(44:46):
to really know what it feels like to be in
like sovereignty with me. And that's the space that I'm
in and I know that and I'm okay with that,
and that's just is what it is. Yeah, you know
what I mean, and it is I've never been here before.
Speaker 2 (45:05):
Yeah, I don't.
Speaker 1 (45:06):
You know, It's like I don't really know self acceptance
like that, and I would like to know that. I
would like to see myself the way God intended me
to see myself, not through the reflection of anyone else
right now, you know what I mean, really just through
the eyes of God, you know, like I really I
(45:27):
didn't have that growing up. I had a lot of
things I had to overcome. I've been in survival mode
for many years before the tragedy, you know, and so
I need to.
Speaker 2 (45:41):
I need to love Onlouren and just see.
Speaker 1 (45:43):
What that is.
Speaker 3 (45:45):
And I think feel like that's actually the in reality,
the harder option, because the easier option would be to
be like, I'm just going to throw myself into another relationship,
but I'm going to throw myself into it. But actually
doing what you're doing, I always feel like I wish
we had that time or were taught to have that
time before we get into relationships when we're younger.
Speaker 2 (46:03):
Yeah, and it's not one side.
Speaker 1 (46:05):
This is very personal to me, So I'm not like,
this is not my suggestion for people. This is the
space where I am building a deeper connection with God
and myself, and so it's really this is just my
and this feels so intentional and intuitively feels like the
right thing to do, and I just will not go
(46:27):
against it.
Speaker 3 (46:28):
Yeah, And I feel like you're in your power right now.
Speaker 1 (46:31):
Thank you. I feel very like finding safety in myself,
you know what I mean.
Speaker 2 (46:37):
Like that's very important for me.
Speaker 1 (46:40):
It is.
Speaker 3 (46:40):
I feel like, so me and Lauren were invited to
the same thing yesterday, decided not to come because she
wanted to protect her energy and her time and also
what she she knows what she's able to give in
the right way. And I want to ask you with
the industry that you've been in for such a long time.
How have you manage is to separate the oh I
(47:02):
feel like I should go to this and people pleasing
and feeling like you have to stay relevant. You know,
it's so difficult in from the small amount that I've
seen of that industry to feel like you have to
be places and have to be seen and you know,
to make sure that people know that you still exist.
And so how have you balanced wanting to have a
life that you're having now while still doing the job
(47:24):
that you love, which entells so much of this.
Speaker 1 (47:27):
So that's a battle, yeah, still, because I'm like when
reality God has the final say, yeah, like it's really
not in the hands of nobody, and that's just the truth.
That's the truth. And so what I battle is the truth.
And sometimes the truth looks like it's delayed, but it's
(47:49):
not just right on time. And then like you know,
the people in your circle, that's like you gotta be
out so you're not that scene and no one is
seeing you in Adisaia to mine And I'm like, at
what price for me? Though? I feel like for me,
it's not for everybody. Everybody, you know, it works for
(48:11):
a lot of people. So I do balance that I
balance that is it a lot of fear. Am I
in fear or you know, is this my intuition? So
I'm always trying to figure that out. But more recently
I'm like, I've been out. It does not fulfill my
soul in any way.
Speaker 3 (48:32):
What you have to do.
Speaker 2 (48:34):
I'm showing up for certain people that I really care for.
Speaker 1 (48:37):
Right but and then I'm like, okay, and I don't
want to go out anymore. So yesterday I was like, yeah,
I feel like it's going to take my energy source.
I didn't feel like I was able to do that
and then come here today and be like honest and present.
Speaker 3 (48:52):
Yeah I chose, I.
Speaker 2 (48:53):
Chose, I chose us.
Speaker 1 (48:56):
But yeah, I feel like I still I find it
hard to balance that because I do want to, you know,
be with the people that I work with. I want
to you know, I want to be accountable and I
do you know, in a way you want to like
be a good in good partnership. And I just then
to make sure it's not my fear. A lot of
times it's not my fear. Untilitally, I am very much
(49:18):
intact and I'm like, I didn't have to go to that.
Speaker 3 (49:21):
But it's also hard because being an actor now involves
so much other things, but you can't have it as
your artistry and your profession. It kind of merges into
so much other stuff as well, and so there's a
lot more fluff added to That's.
Speaker 1 (49:35):
Why I cannot put my identity in my work.
Speaker 3 (49:38):
I know.
Speaker 1 (49:39):
That's why my identity is not in my work anymore.
I feel like I used to be, like, I mean,
can I need to get this job? And I know
audition and I think now I'm just like again finding
home within myself.
Speaker 3 (49:50):
Yeah, what was your favorite or like, what's the most
exciting career goal that you've reached? Like, what was something
that you were really excited that.
Speaker 1 (49:59):
Yeah, hmmm, I've really enjoyed designing capsules with Puma.
Speaker 3 (50:05):
Yeah, I love you.
Speaker 1 (50:06):
I really do enjoy that. That's really really I really
enjoy coming up with the creative with the photo shoots
and picking the photographers and picking the looks and just
being kind of like a creative director behind the scenes
on that has been like the most I love. I
realized how much I love that. I actually like being
behind the scenes more than in front. Yeah, I would
(50:31):
think that I would think just like the behind the
scenes work and you know, I've been pitching these two
ideas have nothing to do with really being in front
of the and I really like that too.
Speaker 2 (50:43):
Yeah, what you.
Speaker 3 (50:44):
Working on right now? That's exciting it? Or like what's
to come? I feel like people always love knowing what's
to come. I don't know.
Speaker 1 (50:51):
Someone asked me, like, what do you have coming up next?
I was like, ask God, I don't really know. And
that's another thing. People are like, what's coming up next?
I don't know? How about we are gonna find out
at the same time, like.
Speaker 2 (51:04):
I don't know how about nothing?
Speaker 3 (51:06):
Nothing?
Speaker 2 (51:06):
What if nothing is happening?
Speaker 3 (51:09):
I have been in that position. It's okay, Yeah, you
know what. Since my book came out, I was saying
to Jay, I kept going through these ups and downs
of like I don't think I want to do this anymore. No,
I just don't think I want to do I don't
think I want to do this anymore. I don't think
I want these things in my life anymore. And I
think it's so normal. It's it needs to be more
accepted to go through phases of the unknown of like
(51:32):
I don't and I every time someone asked me that question,
like I have no idea.
Speaker 2 (51:37):
It's so triggering it is socially.
Speaker 1 (51:39):
I feel like in what I do, it's like you
finished a movie and then before you wrap the movie,
people like, so what do you what's your next job? Like,
I'm gonna be how about what if? Sometimes in life
we are just able to be and with that, and yeah,
take in what you just finished, because if I'm just like,
I won't even be.
Speaker 2 (51:59):
I don't even know what I just did.
Speaker 1 (52:00):
I can't even integrate that in my life, you know
what I mean, And take the lesson from that. I'm
just moving, moving, moving and using.
Speaker 3 (52:08):
A place of anxiety. Like I noticed that I was
living in such a high of I had the adrenaline
mixed with the anxiety of constantly doing one thing after another.
And then when you come off that, you still have
the anxiety, but you don't have the adrenaline. And then
suddenly you're just in this constant spiral of just feeling
so high strung and almost like you're doing things with
(52:31):
zero intention. That's how I felt, and that's what drained me.
Speaker 2 (52:33):
And I don't want any train. Yeah it does.
Speaker 3 (52:35):
When you're doing anything with zero with no intention, I'm just.
Speaker 1 (52:39):
On the hamster wheel.
Speaker 2 (52:40):
Why am I doing that and you're just on the hamps.
Speaker 3 (52:41):
I was breaking. I was literally I was crying every
other day. I was like, I have no idea why
I'm doing this, Like I don't know why I'm doing
why I'm doing it, And I had to just take
I took a couple of weeks where I was like,
it does not matter whether I do this, this, this,
or this. I need to figure out what's happening within me.
Speaker 1 (52:56):
Yeah, And you know what I realized too recently, I
just had it. I was in a meeting in I
was realizing in the middle of the meeting that the
downloads that I might get from God might not be
the same downloads that other people are getting, and they
wouldn't get it if I said it anyway. So I'm
just gonna let them run it and talk and follow
my intuition.
Speaker 3 (53:16):
You said what you want to say. I don't even
know what I'm doing.
Speaker 1 (53:19):
You know what, you might not even just because your
level of success is higher or you have this job
that you can appear to know more than me. I
don't know where you are in your spirit. I don't
know how aligned you are, So I'm always curious to
that like, where are we at in our soul?
Speaker 2 (53:42):
I don't really care about your title.
Speaker 1 (53:44):
Yeah, if that's soul laying in line, you can't tell
me too much. I'm gonna follow this path, you know
what I mean. So I've been dealing with, you know,
just handling business in that way too, Like I hear you,
but that's not Yeah, that's not much. Then I'm just
gonna trust my download because it's got me.
Speaker 2 (54:07):
That's far.
Speaker 3 (54:08):
Yeah, it really has. Thank you, Thank you so much.
I didn't cry, No, I did.
Speaker 1 (54:14):
You did?
Speaker 2 (54:14):
But do you cry every episode?
Speaker 3 (54:16):
No? I cry some episodes. Honest. He's always around the
same topics.
Speaker 1 (54:20):
Got it.
Speaker 3 (54:21):
It's like me processing through having a conversation, got it.
But he's on the same time. He didn't cry.
Speaker 2 (54:25):
No, No, I cried last week in therapy.
Speaker 3 (54:28):
So yeah, yeah, yeah, I was going to ask when
was the last time? Go ahead, No, when was the
last time he cried? Last week in therapy? Yeah?
Speaker 2 (54:35):
And that cry came out of nowhere.
Speaker 1 (54:37):
I'm like, I can't believe I cried, right, Yeah, it's
nice to embrace it. Yeah, I need to cry more.
I went through his face where I cried so much.
I thought I was going to run out of his tears.
I was like, it's impossible to cry this much. I
remember being like, I'm going to run out of tears,
and then I was like, I am over crying. But
(54:57):
then I also realized that all the tears you don't cry,
they get stored up.
Speaker 2 (55:01):
They do you cry about them one day.
Speaker 3 (55:03):
Physical pain, physical energy, and stagnant energy.
Speaker 1 (55:06):
I know, I know. So it's to move, I know,
and I have a very I struggle. My relationship with
tears is a struggle. It's a struggle.
Speaker 3 (55:16):
Is there anything that you want to either say to
people about what you've been through or want them to
know about you that you that they probably wouldn't know,
but you want them to.
Speaker 1 (55:26):
Oh my god, that's a really hard question. I'm overthinking it,
but maybe I should it. Don't overthink it. I guess
trust the message that God puts on your heart no
matter what anyone says, you know, I feel like that's
really important. And then something I would want people to
know about me that they don't know. I'm trying, like.
Speaker 2 (55:44):
Y'all are just trying.
Speaker 1 (55:46):
I'm trying to y'all. I am trying to. I am
with y'all, and we are all just trying that. I
am not an expert. I'm just a reflection that what
we are all trying to figure it out?
Speaker 3 (55:59):
Right, Okay, rapid fire questions. What are you reading right now?
Speaker 1 (56:05):
I am reading The Garden Within by doctor Anita.
Speaker 2 (56:09):
Oh that's a beautiful way, it's amazing.
Speaker 3 (56:11):
What is your favorite, well, like, your favorite self care
ritual that you do right now as far as skincare, Yeah,
or like anything like a self care ritual that's for
your physical body that you do. Been planning massages once
a month on a Monday. Yes, very important. It is
so not if you have the ability. Like in I
(56:32):
radio talks about how massage is just like drinking water,
like to help detox your body. It is such a
key part of health. So just like you work out
and you eat good food, massage is like the next
thing to really help your body to detox everything.
Speaker 1 (56:47):
No sit in and I don't care for Mondays. So
if you do it on a Monday, yeah, a little
bit easier.
Speaker 3 (56:54):
Favorite skincare product you're using right now.
Speaker 1 (56:56):
It's this moisturizer from Epi Logic.
Speaker 3 (57:00):
Oh yeah, I've heard that. Do you don't care?
Speaker 1 (57:02):
I love it?
Speaker 3 (57:03):
Okay, I've been recommended that.
Speaker 1 (57:05):
Yes, it's amazing.
Speaker 3 (57:06):
What do you use on your hair?
Speaker 2 (57:08):
Sacred fiance?
Speaker 1 (57:09):
Sacred? Okay? Do I need it?
Speaker 3 (57:11):
Yes?
Speaker 1 (57:11):
You do?
Speaker 2 (57:12):
Okay, it's amazing.
Speaker 3 (57:13):
Good it is.
Speaker 1 (57:14):
I'm not just saying it is really good, really absolutely,
I'm actually almost out.
Speaker 3 (57:21):
We got it. Okay, amazing, good, great, great tips. Do
you have anything that you Oh what is your your
guilty pleasure when it comes to food?
Speaker 2 (57:31):
Oh, if I say this, the people are gonna judge me.
Speaker 3 (57:34):
No, no, tell me, no, tell me, tell me.
Speaker 1 (57:38):
Taco Bell chats horrible.
Speaker 2 (57:42):
People are gonna kill me.
Speaker 1 (57:43):
People don't kill We don't kill.
Speaker 3 (57:45):
We don't taco about. What's your order going? I know
you know about heart. You don't even have to look
at the menu.
Speaker 2 (57:49):
What is your order a Mexican people?
Speaker 3 (57:53):
Oh that yeah? Okay. I remember coming to Taco Bell
when I first came to America to visit my cousins,
and oh, we had Tacoboll every day. It was constantly
like anything. Taco Bell need the vegetarians.
Speaker 1 (58:06):
So I cannot be I admitted there, but I will
Chaco Bell and chuck e cheese.
Speaker 2 (58:10):
Oh my god, chuck e cheese. I haven't mental chuky
cheese and years
Speaker 3 (58:14):
Okay, perfect yea, and the rapid Fire thanks so yeah.
Host
Radhi Devlukia
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