August 20, 2024 • 26 mins
Friendships are supposed to last forever, right? But what happens when the people who once felt like home start feeling like strangers?
In this episode of A Really Good Cry, we dive deep into the bittersweet reality of outgrowing friendships. As we grow and change, so do our needs and desires, and sometimes that means the friendships we’ve held onto for years no longer fit the person we’re becoming.
I’ll share my personal journey of recognizing when certain friendships were no longer serving me, and how I navigated the emotional turmoil that comes with letting go. We’ll explore the signs that indicate you might be outgrowing a friend—like when conversations start to feel repetitive or when spending time together leaves you drained rather than energized. But this isn’t just about saying goodbye; it’s about understanding that outgrowing a friendship doesn’t mean failure. Instead, it’s an opportunity for growth, both for you and the other person.
If you’ve ever felt guilty about outgrowing a friendship or wondered if you’re the only one going through this, this episode is for you. Tune in as we tackle the challenges of evolving relationships, offer tips on how to handle these transitions with grace, and ultimately remind you that it’s okay to move forward. After all, personal growth sometimes requires leaving old connections behind to make room for new ones.
What We Discuss:
- 00:00 Intro
- 01:16 Outgrowing friends
- 05:44 You’re now in different phases of your life
- 07:21 Are they your friend or not?
- 09:40 Why is it difficult to cut ties with people
- 11:38 Letting go to grow
- 12:59 Evolving friendships without cutting all ties
- 15:33 Redefining your friendship
- 17:28 Understanding the purpose of every connection
- 19:30 Friendships should be taken seriously
- 19:58 Knowing who belongs where in your life
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
So when you're actually trying to place a friend into
a category, these are the questions you have to ask yourself,
like how often do I communicate with this person? More
forms of communication do we even use? How often do
I spend time with this person? What topics am I
comfortable talking to them about? Like, honestly, I'm the type
of person I don't tell many people most things about
(00:20):
my life. They may see it, they may hear about
it from other people, but there are very few people
I can count on my hand one hand how many
people I truly voice things to or share things with.
There's that idea in your mind that if your best
friends you have to talk about everything and share everything. No,
I think that's such a young minded version of friendship.
(00:40):
There's different friends that you could have for different things,
And I think that's also important to remember that you
don't even have to tell your best friend everything. Maybe
you have different best friends for different reasons and different
points of areas that you really connect to. I'm rather
w Kiah and on my podcast A Really Good Cry,
we embrace the messy and the beautiful, a space for raw,
(01:01):
unfiltered conversations that celebrate vulnerability and allow you to tune
in to learn, connect and find comfort together. Hey everyone,
welcome back to this week's episode of A Really Good Cry.
Thank you for joining me again. I appreciate you all
so much. This week, the topic that's been in my
mind is all about friendships, and let me tell you
why so. I recently when I was a group of
(01:23):
friends that I had not seen in a really long time,
and at first, I was actually quite excited about it.
I was excited to catch up and see how everyone's been.
And then on my way there, I started getting a
little bit nervous, and I was like, why am I
feeling nervous about this? Maybe I just, you know, because
I hadn't seen them in a while. I was feeling
a bit nervous, and these are people I was actually
really good friends with. I got there, and then when
(01:43):
we started having conversations and trying to connect, I noticed
that I wasn't feeling the way I used to in
that interaction, and I thought, maybe it's me, or maybe
it's there, or maybe it's both of us. And by
the end of the meeting, I ended up realizing and
coming to the realization that I think I'm just where
we not me I think we're just outgrowing each other.
(02:06):
And it wasn't. And I didn't still appreciate them and
I didn't have love for them. It was more that
from that interaction, I feel like I didn't get anything,
Like it didn't fuel me. And I think, you know,
when we've started redefining what my friendships are or what
friendships mean to me, I realize I really feel like
I want to get something from that, and like I
want to feel like I'm also giving what they need,
(02:27):
and neither felt true in that moment or in that interaction.
Then came home and magically, you know how your feeds
just start showing you things that you need to read
or that you need to see after you're going through something.
And I read this quote and I thought it really
summarized it so beautifully. It said, some people we just outgrow.
Relationships might end with no real reason or explanation why
(02:49):
and when that happens, respect the shift, honor the growth,
and understand that not all roots can stay planted in
the same soil forever. And you know, we have all
been there on one side or both. You're either outgrowing
them or you've been the one outgrown, and it's such
a sticky, icky situation to be in, whether you're on
either side. I used to find it so difficult to
(03:10):
let go of friends, so difficult to actually come to
terms with the reality that they don't want to be
my friend anymore. And I used to be so dramatic.
Everything was so hot, wrenching, so dramatic. There would be
long text scent and you know, messages that are pouring
out how I'm feeling. And back in the day when
I was used to reflect, back when I sent that
(03:32):
was such a loser. Why did I do that? But really,
I think it's because at the end of the day,
we care, and we are built for connections, and so
losing connections can feel so scary and so uncomfortable. And
as I've gone through different phases of my life, you know,
some friends have stayed in my life for decades, some
for short periods, some have weaved in and out over time.
(03:52):
And when I've learned with all those friendships and relationships,
is that forcing a friendship beyond its time is way
worse in letting go. And I have had that, and
I've been holding on to those withered threads till the
bitter end, till there was no thread left, just trying
to keep them in my life when it was obviously
(04:12):
time for us to go our separate ways. And so
for me, these past few years have really included big
shifts in my relationships. I feel like I've been working
on removing these masks that I have constantly worn in
friendships as a pattern over and over again. And these
masks were getting old and tatty, and they really didn't
(04:33):
fit who I was, or who I wanted to be
or who I am now. One of those major masks,
the thick masks I was wearing, was being the fixer,
the person who was needed and helpful, and maybe even
putting myself into situations that didn't actually need me because
I wanted to be needed. I wanted to be wanted.
(04:53):
And I think many of you, I'm sure, can relate
to that, where you just want to feel secure in
the relationship, keep doing things, you keep finding a way
to be valid in their life because you want to
feel relevant. And so over time I started looking for
friendships and connections where there was more meaning, more exchanges
and reciprocation of love, of energy, of time, more compatibility
(05:15):
rather than need ability. And so there was an equal
exchange to some degree of what we were both receiving
and giving in the friendship. And so as I started
looking for that, those are the type of friendships I
ended up getting in my life. But the problem was
what that also meant was that some friendships from the
past no longer felt right. They were feeding a part
of me that I no longer wanted fed, and so slowly,
(05:39):
by surely those friendships started to fall away. So reflecting
on my experiences, I've come up with a few signs
that may help you to realize whether you're outgrowing your friends,
because sometimes you can be unsure about it. You know
you're outgrowing a friend when you know our growing friends
often has this negative ring to it, but they actually
(06:01):
may be times when you've just outgrown your friends because
you're in different phases of your life. You grow at
different paces, you may have hit different milestones at different ages.
But they haven't done anything wrong, and you're not better
than them. They're not bad people. You don't dislike them.
You're just living different lives than you used to, and
that is so okay. I have friends who used to
be so close, so I would see them every single
(06:22):
day at least or like four times a week, and
then they had children, and so naturally for us, that
kind of shifted our friendship the timings that we had available.
They wanted to be friends with other people who had
children so that they could all be friends together. It
makes sense for their family unit. Am I upset with
them for that? Absolutely not. I actually see how beautiful
it is. But I think that's also so natural to have.
(06:44):
You know, my friends who are single feel different with
their friends who are married. Now it's just a natural shift.
And so I'm actually going to stick with scenarios. I'm
going to help you to notice when you're outgrowing friends
that maybe aren't that great for you. But if it
is a friendship that's being outgrown naturally because of shifts
in stages of life, that's something you really have to
be okay with. And you have to realize that that
(07:07):
may mean you also have to shift because they've chosen
to have children, they've chosen to get married, whatever it is.
You can't be stuck trying to hold on to the
person that they once were. If you want them in
your life, you're gonna have to move as time moves
with them. And so listen, let's talk about whether they're
friend or not. They're not your friend if speaking to
them irritates you and greates on you more often than not.
(07:28):
If you're speaking to them and they are annoying you
most of the time, that is not friendship. You should
be having positive interactions with your friends at least most
of the time. Yeah, friends can be annoying sometimes, they
definitely can, but you shouldn't feel that way most of
the time when talking to them. They're not your friend.
If you can only call them or think of them
to pass time or in moments of boredom. You have
(07:49):
to remember there's only so much spare time that you
get to invest in and build relationships, So who do
you want to invest it into. They're or your friend.
If you only talk about the past or have the
same repetitive conversations over and over again, you're not discussing
your present or your future lives. Your only topic of
conversation is other people's gossip or complaining about life. The
(08:11):
type of conversations you have really change your frequency and
the way that you are navigating life. And so if
you're constantly having conversations that are at a lower frequency,
you're going to see the world in that way too.
They're not your friend if there's been trust broken or
an energy shift where you no longer feel you can
confine in them or tell them things about your life,
because they'll either judge you or not understand you, or
(08:33):
not keep things to themselves. That's a big one. They
are not your friend if they cannot let go of
the past versions of who you were and who you
used to be, and they keep bringing up past baggage
or mistakes that you made. They just can't accept this
current version of you. That is not a friend. That's
someone who wants to keep you around to make themselves
feel better. They're not your friend if they don't encourage
(08:56):
positive habits and behaviors, and if they keep bringing you
back into these bad habits that you are trying to
let go of. You know that saying misery needs company,
and it is so true. They don't want you to
change and grow because you changing for the better, it
disrupts their patterns and holds up a mirror to their
issues that they may not be ready to look at yet.
So they would rather keep you in it with them
(09:17):
than have you grow out of it. And most of
the time, the more people that are involved, the less
it feels like a problem. So if you're part of
it and your friends are part of it, and they're
part of it, then it feels like you're all in
it together and it's not so bad. But as soon
as someone starts flagging the problems or the issues or
the habits that are negative, it starts disrupting the whole place,
(09:38):
So they're not a friend if they do that. And
you know, sometimes all we know this at the back
of our mind, you know all of this. Logically, we
can still find it so hard to cut ties with people.
Why is it so difficult even when the evidence is clear,
even when you know in your heart that it's not right?
And to be honest, I think friendships, especially for women,
(09:58):
are like full and romanticallyationships. The breakups just feel as
bad and it's painful, and it may be difficult for
you for many reasons. It may be because you have
an emotional attachment to them, whether it's nostalgia or past memories.
They keep you remembering the good times. But if you're
only remembering the good terms with them and you're not
realizing what the reality with them is now, you're just
stuck in the past and not even thinking about now
(10:20):
or the future. It may be difficult because it's comforting,
and you need to remember that just because something has
been happening for a long time does not mean it
is the right thing for you. Remember, we can feel
comfortable with anything if it happens long enough. Our body
and our mind will choose comfort overchange, even when comfort
is not good for us. It may also be difficult
(10:41):
because even though you're letting go of them, it's also
letting go over a part of you or version of
you that they represent a part of your own identity.
It reflects what you're outgrowing in yourself. And you know what,
We think grief only happens when someone dies, but actually
when you let go of or lose friendships or relationships,
we experience grief too, just to a different degree, grieving
(11:03):
who we were with them, grieving their absence in your life.
It's still a loss, and with loss comes grief, and
often grieving who you used to be and trying to
move forward with the person you are can be so difficult.
I've found that really hard as well. As I've changed
and people are like, oh, you've changed and this way,
and I'm really reluctant to say I have, because I'm like, no,
(11:23):
I'm still that person I was when I lived here.
I'm still that person I was when I went through this,
but actually I'm not. And so you really have to
learn to grieve your past selves to really move past them,
to be able to fully embrace who you've become and
the changes that you've made. There can also be this
feeling of guilt. I'm the only person that they have.
(11:45):
My life has changed, but theirs hasn't. I owe it
to them to be there for them. I have a friend, actually,
well the few friends who've been in this situation where
he knows and has realized that his friend's settle isn't
helping him to create the version of himself he's striving
to be and become, and that these friends keep bringing
him back to a version of himself that he no
longer wants to be. Habits that he's trying to desperately
(12:07):
let go of because it's ruining him as a person,
and the friendship lacks conversation. All the gatherings are focus
around intoxication, and when he quit or tried to quit,
he realized that it kind of reduced connection and relatability
with some of his closest friends, and when you don't
have an alternative, it can feel so scary to let go,
especially if you've grown up with them or they your
(12:27):
family members and your support system, and the fear of
being lonely can often just keep you in the cycle
of doing things that you no longer want to do.
And I can so understand that it is such a
difficult position to be in, But I also think that
there's good and bad in everything. Every single step away
from them would bring him closer to the person he
wants to be, and maybe for a while, that means
(12:48):
navigating what feeling alone actually is. Is it better to
be surrounded by people who aren't good for you or
is it better to be alone and become better and
become the version you want to be. I also don't
think everything has to be all or nothing. You don't
have to cut all ties. It doesn't always have to
go down like that. Like if you don't want to
cut ties, you can just reduce the amount of times
(13:09):
you see that person or people. I remember when I
was studying the bug with Gita, it speaks about how
to let go of something you need something higher or
a higher taste to attach to. If you think about it,
it's hard to let go of the monkey bar handle
with one hand before you've held onto it with the
other one and got a firm grip on it. And
so finding those people, places, or things that you can
(13:31):
fill your time with that do make you feel good
about yourself is so important. Finding activities, finding classes to
go to in the evening of something you want to study,
tennis classes, lessons, workouts, whatever it is that brings you
a new community or just a good distraction that elevates
your physical, mental, or emotional health in some way. Because
(13:51):
as soon as you find something that feels good, you'll
want to keep repeating it, and you will start choosing
it over the things that don't make you feel good.
You have to experience the feeling before you end up
wanting to repeat the action. And look, I've moved from
the UK to New York to LA and each time
it was at different ages and I made a whole
new set of friends with every move. And yeah, it
(14:14):
takes effort, of course, it takes time. It takes putting
yourself out there and being bold, and it involves rejection
and uncertainty. But oh, my goodness, it was so worth
the effort. I have built friendships that are deeper and
closer to people that I have known for my whole life.
But honestly, nothing that is good in life doesn't take effort.
(14:34):
It really just depends on how much you really want it.
And on the flip side, if you actually feel like
they are good people and really you just need to
improve your relationship with them, then it just takes vulnerability.
And to get vulnerable in changing up the conversation, sharing
your heart, your pains, your joys, and asking questions that
you wouldn't normally ask, reducing the small talk, and finding
(14:55):
ways to truly connect to each other. I remember when
I was younger, I had this friend's circle where everything
was about gossip. It was about what everyone else was doing.
You know, it was a phase of life that we
were in, and I realized I didn't want to be
that person anymore. And so whenever the conversation would go
that way, I would shut it down or I would
try and navigate it into something else, because I really
wanted to upgrade my thoughts and my life. And you know,
(15:18):
I really knew that you were only as good as
the people that you surround yourself with. And so yeah,
some of those friendships fizzled away and others I had
to find new ways and new conversations to connect to
them and have and our friendships grew deeper and stronger
and have remained that way since. You can also shift
a friend into a different friend circle or category, redefining
that friendship rather than cutting them out. For example, I
(15:40):
have friends I work out with. It doesn't mean I'll
go on vacation with them, but when we work out,
we have the best time together, and our friendship starts
and ends there. But we both love that and we
have no desire to shift it into going for dinners
or hanging out, going, you know, spending deeper time together.
We just love at the time that we get to
spend together working out. That's how we connect. And so
(16:02):
maybe a friend that you would normally go on vacation
with that you can't stand anymore when you're on holiday
becomes a friend that you work out with, or becomes
a friend that you go on a walk with, or
becomes a friend that you can only handle in group settings,
not one on one. You just have to test the
waters and see what you're able to tolerate, and then
you can still interact with that person and have a
great relationship, but just in a different way. If you've
(16:23):
outgrown your friends, you do not have to cut them out.
Maybe you just end up redefining the friendship. Maybe it's
as simple as seeing them less or speaking less, more
time off between conversations or meetings. Maybe one of my
best friends from school had to take a two year
break from each other because we can no longer stand
each other, and she couldn't stand me and I couldn't
(16:44):
stand her. We used to speak every single day, multiple
times a day, for hours, and then one day we
ended up speaking again, and then we ended up having
a two year gap. We had an argument and realized
that we just no longer could be in each other's
life at the time, and then one day we ended
up speaking again and realizing we were both different humans
and totally started getting along again and speaking regularly. And
(17:05):
it's been like that for years now. And so a
break is also okay to allow people to grow and change,
and you can always try and revisit the friendship when
the time feels right. Nothing has to be definite. It's
important to give relationships chances too. It can't always be
a cut them off, one time chance only situation, because
that can become a lonely place too, And isn't that
how human relationships really work. We all make mistakes at
(17:27):
some point in life. I'll also add here that sometimes
it may not be them at all. It may be
a you thing, or it's a two way issue, and
we have to be open to looking at our own
weeds too. I really do believe that every single person
comes into our life for a reason. I believe us
so deeply. You may not at the time, but afterwards
you will look back and realize that there was a
(17:49):
lesson to be learned, a lesson about yourself, to teach
us about a lesson we need to learn, to bring
us joy and happiness, to take us on a journey
of emotions, and sometime to teach us what we really
want and really need in our life. Also, we will change,
and it's inevitable, so how can we expect others around
us not to Sometimes we change a part, and sometimes
(18:10):
we change together, and that is so okay. I look
back at friendships and think, damn, how beautiful was that time?
Do I wish I had it now? No? Not really.
But am I grateful for that person in that time,
for the memories and the inventions that we had. Yes, absolutely,
I remember I used to be that friend who would
want to have the conversation of breaking up, like analyzing
(18:33):
every single thing, whose fault it was, what happened. But
as I've grown, I've just realized a conversation isn't always needed.
What is really left to say that has not been
said already? And you know what, maybe there is a
conversation to be had, and that's a decision that you
have to make. But ask yourself, is a conversation needed
or kind of just fade out naturally? What's really left
(18:54):
to say between both of us? And often when something
isn't meant to be in your life anymore and you
stop holding on so tight, slowly a phase or washes
away organically. Now, to be honest, all I really want
is life is clean energy between people. I don't hate you,
you don't hate me. We don't need to be best friends,
(19:14):
but we can see each other and say hi, and
have zero tension or zero discomfort between us, and then
we just go about our day happy with nothing in
our mind, no bitterness, no sourness, just contentness that we
had a good experience at the time when we met. Seriously,
friendships are really like romantic relationships, and honestly, I think
that makes sense because friendships should be taken just as
(19:37):
seriously as relationships, because having a community is just so important.
We are made to connect and thrive when we live
within a larger community. Is how our ancestors lived and
thrived too. It's actually hard and nowadays building these meaningful connections,
So don't give up too easily, and make sure you
pour energy and effort into the connections that mean the
(19:57):
most to you. And So if you're someone that's really
even struggling with your friendships lately, there's two things I recommend.
Going through these lists that I mentioned and seeing what
areas you're really struggling with that person, and seeing what
the trigger points are with that person. But then also
going through it in your mind about yourself. What is
it that I could change, How is it that I
(20:17):
am changing that's no longer fitting this person or this
version of this person that I used to be able
to connect to so deeply. And it may be that
you need to make a shift, and it may be
that they need to make a shift and often having
that conversation that, hey, when you do this, it really
doesn't sit well with me anymore. And I think sometimes
we forget how much can be lost in assumption that
(20:39):
we keep in our mind, misinterpretation of things, misanalyzing things.
Small actions can tend so big in our mind just
because we do not communicate with the other person. And
so if it is a relationship that has a lot
of love left in it, having an open conversation about
the things that you can no longer handle with them
(21:00):
a beautiful place to change and a beautiful place to
start off a new chapter of your friendship. And you
know what, we all have this inner voice that tells
us when things are not sitting right, which we usually
end up ignoring. And so you will know when something
doesn't feel right. You will know when a friendship does
not feel right anymore. And sometimes it's also us not
(21:20):
knowing ourselves. Like I realized, I had to really redefine
and start setting standards that were important to me before
I end up getting into a friendship and having that
clay in my mind. Because there are so many of
us who actually don't know what we are looking for.
Just like in a relationship, What are you looking for
in a friendship? What are your needs in a friendship?
How do you like to communicate? Like, really being clear
about that before you even start friendships. It's so important
(21:43):
because otherwise you cannot know, and then things start annoying you.
And it's like, had you said that from the beginning,
the person probably wouldn't have been appealing to you, or
you would have been very mindful of those things before
even getting close to that person. And those of us
who are in the process of actually breaking that people
pleasing pattern or that pattern that I was mentioning earlier,
of the feeling of being needed, will probably outgrow more
(22:05):
friendships than most because you end up letting go of
the problematic behaviors that made those relationships possible in the
first place. And so when you're letting go of those
behaviors and those habits, naturally those people fall away with
them because you're no longer useful to them in that way,
and they can no longer see you in the way
because you're not allowing them to have the same access
(22:25):
than that they were used to having, and that shift
can seem like, Oh, they just don't care about me anymore.
And it's difficult changing sometimes those relationships from relationships where
they were taking to being reciprocal, because that's not how
you set the tone from the beginning. There's this really
great diagram, and if you think about it in your head,
you can probably visualize it where it's all the different
circles of friendships all the way to the intimate ones
(22:48):
and all the way out to acquaintances. So you know,
the first circle on the outside is acquaintances, people that
you you know high by don't ever get into deep conversations.
Then you have the people that I know when I like,
so the people that I know that I like, I've
spent time with we've had some sort of interaction. Then
there's the kindred spirits or you know, the people that
you just met and from the first day that you
(23:11):
met them, you felt this connection with them. And then
it's your friends. You're like the friends that feel like
family who are in the inner circle. We also have
to realize there's going to be more and more as
the circles go outwards, and so don't expect yourself to
have one hundred friends in that smallest circle in the middle,
because there's not enough space for them. In your life,
(23:32):
like and they are few and far between because it
is such a special connection. And so if you are
let anger of people, you should also think how many
people do I already have in my life that take
up that space? Do I need more of those in
my life? Or am I trying to keep too many
within this circle when we than men for one of
the other ones. The problem is in this culture, many
of us feel like a healthy or happy friendship is
(23:53):
one that's constantly the same and grows forward forever. One
that gets bigger or more important, takes up more time
and takes up more space with every single year, And
that when a relationship does ebb and flow and have
its ups and downs, that something is wrong or bad,
rather than actually seeing it as a natural function of
all relationships and how relationships are supposed to go. So
(24:15):
when you're actually trying to place a friend into a category,
these are the questions you have to ask yourself, like
how often do I communicate with this person? More forms
of communication do we even use? How often do I
spend time with this person? What topics am I comfortable
talking to them about? Like, honestly, I'm the type of
person I don't tell many people most things about my life.
(24:36):
They may see it, they may hear about it from
other people, but there are very few people I can
count on my hand one hand how many people I
truly voice things to or share things with. There's that
idea in your mind that if your best friends you
have to talk about everything and share everything. No, I
think that's such a young minded version of friendship. There's
different friends that you could have for different things, and
(24:58):
I think that's also important to remember, but that you
don't even have to tell your best friend everything. Maybe
you have different best friends for different reasons and different
points of areas that you really connect to. Also, ask yourself,
what is my expectation of this person and what's the
expectation of me? When you realize the expectation of you
may be larger than what you're able to give, that
may also shift where that friend lies in your friend's circle.
(25:21):
And lastly, do I enjoy my time with this person?
Do I feel like I'm gaining and receiving things that
I need in my life from this person in this
moment of time. Thank you so much for listening. I
really hope that this helps you to create better friendships.
Deeper friendships, friendships with more meaning. It gives you a
thoughtful place to start to really notice whether you have
(25:42):
friends in your life that you no longer have space for,
but also makes you realize maybe there are areas that
you also need to change, and maybe that places where
you need to let go to create better friendships in
your life. I hope this was useful. Would love to
know if you end up listening to it, let me know,
send me your thoughts and ideas and feedback. I appreciate
you will so much. Thank you all so much for listening.
(26:04):
See you next time.
So when you're actually trying to place a friend into
a category, these are the questions you have to ask yourself,
like how often do I communicate with this person? More
forms of communication do we even use? How often do
I spend time with this person? What topics am I
comfortable talking to them about? Like, honestly, I'm the type
of person I don't tell many people most things about
(00:20):
my life. They may see it, they may hear about
it from other people, but there are very few people
I can count on my hand one hand how many
people I truly voice things to or share things with.
There's that idea in your mind that if your best
friends you have to talk about everything and share everything. No,
I think that's such a young minded version of friendship.
(00:40):
There's different friends that you could have for different things,
And I think that's also important to remember that you
don't even have to tell your best friend everything. Maybe
you have different best friends for different reasons and different
points of areas that you really connect to. I'm rather
w Kiah and on my podcast A Really Good Cry,
we embrace the messy and the beautiful, a space for raw,
(01:01):
unfiltered conversations that celebrate vulnerability and allow you to tune
in to learn, connect and find comfort together. Hey everyone,
welcome back to this week's episode of A Really Good Cry.
Thank you for joining me again. I appreciate you all
so much. This week, the topic that's been in my
mind is all about friendships, and let me tell you
why so. I recently when I was a group of
(01:23):
friends that I had not seen in a really long time,
and at first, I was actually quite excited about it.
I was excited to catch up and see how everyone's been.
And then on my way there, I started getting a
little bit nervous, and I was like, why am I
feeling nervous about this? Maybe I just, you know, because
I hadn't seen them in a while. I was feeling
a bit nervous, and these are people I was actually
really good friends with. I got there, and then when
(01:43):
we started having conversations and trying to connect, I noticed
that I wasn't feeling the way I used to in
that interaction, and I thought, maybe it's me, or maybe
it's there, or maybe it's both of us. And by
the end of the meeting, I ended up realizing and
coming to the realization that I think I'm just where
we not me I think we're just outgrowing each other.
(02:06):
And it wasn't. And I didn't still appreciate them and
I didn't have love for them. It was more that
from that interaction, I feel like I didn't get anything,
Like it didn't fuel me. And I think, you know,
when we've started redefining what my friendships are or what
friendships mean to me, I realize I really feel like
I want to get something from that, and like I
want to feel like I'm also giving what they need,
(02:27):
and neither felt true in that moment or in that interaction.
Then came home and magically, you know how your feeds
just start showing you things that you need to read
or that you need to see after you're going through something.
And I read this quote and I thought it really
summarized it so beautifully. It said, some people we just outgrow.
Relationships might end with no real reason or explanation why
(02:49):
and when that happens, respect the shift, honor the growth,
and understand that not all roots can stay planted in
the same soil forever. And you know, we have all
been there on one side or both. You're either outgrowing
them or you've been the one outgrown, and it's such
a sticky, icky situation to be in, whether you're on
either side. I used to find it so difficult to
(03:10):
let go of friends, so difficult to actually come to
terms with the reality that they don't want to be
my friend anymore. And I used to be so dramatic.
Everything was so hot, wrenching, so dramatic. There would be
long text scent and you know, messages that are pouring
out how I'm feeling. And back in the day when
I was used to reflect, back when I sent that
(03:32):
was such a loser. Why did I do that? But really,
I think it's because at the end of the day,
we care, and we are built for connections, and so
losing connections can feel so scary and so uncomfortable. And
as I've gone through different phases of my life, you know,
some friends have stayed in my life for decades, some
for short periods, some have weaved in and out over time.
(03:52):
And when I've learned with all those friendships and relationships,
is that forcing a friendship beyond its time is way
worse in letting go. And I have had that, and
I've been holding on to those withered threads till the
bitter end, till there was no thread left, just trying
to keep them in my life when it was obviously
(04:12):
time for us to go our separate ways. And so
for me, these past few years have really included big
shifts in my relationships. I feel like I've been working
on removing these masks that I have constantly worn in
friendships as a pattern over and over again. And these
masks were getting old and tatty, and they really didn't
(04:33):
fit who I was, or who I wanted to be
or who I am now. One of those major masks,
the thick masks I was wearing, was being the fixer,
the person who was needed and helpful, and maybe even
putting myself into situations that didn't actually need me because
I wanted to be needed. I wanted to be wanted.
(04:53):
And I think many of you, I'm sure, can relate
to that, where you just want to feel secure in
the relationship, keep doing things, you keep finding a way
to be valid in their life because you want to
feel relevant. And so over time I started looking for
friendships and connections where there was more meaning, more exchanges
and reciprocation of love, of energy, of time, more compatibility
(05:15):
rather than need ability. And so there was an equal
exchange to some degree of what we were both receiving
and giving in the friendship. And so as I started
looking for that, those are the type of friendships I
ended up getting in my life. But the problem was
what that also meant was that some friendships from the
past no longer felt right. They were feeding a part
of me that I no longer wanted fed, and so slowly,
(05:39):
by surely those friendships started to fall away. So reflecting
on my experiences, I've come up with a few signs
that may help you to realize whether you're outgrowing your friends,
because sometimes you can be unsure about it. You know
you're outgrowing a friend when you know our growing friends
often has this negative ring to it, but they actually
(06:01):
may be times when you've just outgrown your friends because
you're in different phases of your life. You grow at
different paces, you may have hit different milestones at different ages.
But they haven't done anything wrong, and you're not better
than them. They're not bad people. You don't dislike them.
You're just living different lives than you used to, and
that is so okay. I have friends who used to
be so close, so I would see them every single
(06:22):
day at least or like four times a week, and
then they had children, and so naturally for us, that
kind of shifted our friendship the timings that we had available.
They wanted to be friends with other people who had
children so that they could all be friends together. It
makes sense for their family unit. Am I upset with
them for that? Absolutely not. I actually see how beautiful
it is. But I think that's also so natural to have.
(06:44):
You know, my friends who are single feel different with
their friends who are married. Now it's just a natural shift.
And so I'm actually going to stick with scenarios. I'm
going to help you to notice when you're outgrowing friends
that maybe aren't that great for you. But if it
is a friendship that's being outgrown naturally because of shifts
in stages of life, that's something you really have to
be okay with. And you have to realize that that
(07:07):
may mean you also have to shift because they've chosen
to have children, they've chosen to get married, whatever it is.
You can't be stuck trying to hold on to the
person that they once were. If you want them in
your life, you're gonna have to move as time moves
with them. And so listen, let's talk about whether they're
friend or not. They're not your friend if speaking to
them irritates you and greates on you more often than not.
(07:28):
If you're speaking to them and they are annoying you
most of the time, that is not friendship. You should
be having positive interactions with your friends at least most
of the time. Yeah, friends can be annoying sometimes, they
definitely can, but you shouldn't feel that way most of
the time when talking to them. They're not your friend.
If you can only call them or think of them
to pass time or in moments of boredom. You have
(07:49):
to remember there's only so much spare time that you
get to invest in and build relationships, So who do
you want to invest it into. They're or your friend.
If you only talk about the past or have the
same repetitive conversations over and over again, you're not discussing
your present or your future lives. Your only topic of
conversation is other people's gossip or complaining about life. The
(08:11):
type of conversations you have really change your frequency and
the way that you are navigating life. And so if
you're constantly having conversations that are at a lower frequency,
you're going to see the world in that way too.
They're not your friend if there's been trust broken or
an energy shift where you no longer feel you can
confine in them or tell them things about your life,
because they'll either judge you or not understand you, or
(08:33):
not keep things to themselves. That's a big one. They
are not your friend if they cannot let go of
the past versions of who you were and who you
used to be, and they keep bringing up past baggage
or mistakes that you made. They just can't accept this
current version of you. That is not a friend. That's
someone who wants to keep you around to make themselves
feel better. They're not your friend if they don't encourage
(08:56):
positive habits and behaviors, and if they keep bringing you
back into these bad habits that you are trying to
let go of. You know that saying misery needs company,
and it is so true. They don't want you to
change and grow because you changing for the better, it
disrupts their patterns and holds up a mirror to their
issues that they may not be ready to look at yet.
So they would rather keep you in it with them
(09:17):
than have you grow out of it. And most of
the time, the more people that are involved, the less
it feels like a problem. So if you're part of
it and your friends are part of it, and they're
part of it, then it feels like you're all in
it together and it's not so bad. But as soon
as someone starts flagging the problems or the issues or
the habits that are negative, it starts disrupting the whole place,
(09:38):
So they're not a friend if they do that. And
you know, sometimes all we know this at the back
of our mind, you know all of this. Logically, we
can still find it so hard to cut ties with people.
Why is it so difficult even when the evidence is clear,
even when you know in your heart that it's not right?
And to be honest, I think friendships, especially for women,
(09:58):
are like full and romanticallyationships. The breakups just feel as
bad and it's painful, and it may be difficult for
you for many reasons. It may be because you have
an emotional attachment to them, whether it's nostalgia or past memories.
They keep you remembering the good times. But if you're
only remembering the good terms with them and you're not
realizing what the reality with them is now, you're just
stuck in the past and not even thinking about now
(10:20):
or the future. It may be difficult because it's comforting,
and you need to remember that just because something has
been happening for a long time does not mean it
is the right thing for you. Remember, we can feel
comfortable with anything if it happens long enough. Our body
and our mind will choose comfort overchange, even when comfort
is not good for us. It may also be difficult
(10:41):
because even though you're letting go of them, it's also
letting go over a part of you or version of
you that they represent a part of your own identity.
It reflects what you're outgrowing in yourself. And you know what,
We think grief only happens when someone dies, but actually
when you let go of or lose friendships or relationships,
we experience grief too, just to a different degree, grieving
(11:03):
who we were with them, grieving their absence in your life.
It's still a loss, and with loss comes grief, and
often grieving who you used to be and trying to
move forward with the person you are can be so difficult.
I've found that really hard as well. As I've changed
and people are like, oh, you've changed and this way,
and I'm really reluctant to say I have, because I'm like, no,
(11:23):
I'm still that person I was when I lived here.
I'm still that person I was when I went through this,
but actually I'm not. And so you really have to
learn to grieve your past selves to really move past them,
to be able to fully embrace who you've become and
the changes that you've made. There can also be this
feeling of guilt. I'm the only person that they have.
(11:45):
My life has changed, but theirs hasn't. I owe it
to them to be there for them. I have a friend, actually,
well the few friends who've been in this situation where
he knows and has realized that his friend's settle isn't
helping him to create the version of himself he's striving
to be and become, and that these friends keep bringing
him back to a version of himself that he no
longer wants to be. Habits that he's trying to desperately
(12:07):
let go of because it's ruining him as a person,
and the friendship lacks conversation. All the gatherings are focus
around intoxication, and when he quit or tried to quit,
he realized that it kind of reduced connection and relatability
with some of his closest friends, and when you don't
have an alternative, it can feel so scary to let go,
especially if you've grown up with them or they your
(12:27):
family members and your support system, and the fear of
being lonely can often just keep you in the cycle
of doing things that you no longer want to do.
And I can so understand that it is such a
difficult position to be in, But I also think that
there's good and bad in everything. Every single step away
from them would bring him closer to the person he
wants to be, and maybe for a while, that means
(12:48):
navigating what feeling alone actually is. Is it better to
be surrounded by people who aren't good for you or
is it better to be alone and become better and
become the version you want to be. I also don't
think everything has to be all or nothing. You don't
have to cut all ties. It doesn't always have to
go down like that. Like if you don't want to
cut ties, you can just reduce the amount of times
(13:09):
you see that person or people. I remember when I
was studying the bug with Gita, it speaks about how
to let go of something you need something higher or
a higher taste to attach to. If you think about it,
it's hard to let go of the monkey bar handle
with one hand before you've held onto it with the
other one and got a firm grip on it. And
so finding those people, places, or things that you can
(13:31):
fill your time with that do make you feel good
about yourself is so important. Finding activities, finding classes to
go to in the evening of something you want to study,
tennis classes, lessons, workouts, whatever it is that brings you
a new community or just a good distraction that elevates
your physical, mental, or emotional health in some way. Because
(13:51):
as soon as you find something that feels good, you'll
want to keep repeating it, and you will start choosing
it over the things that don't make you feel good.
You have to experience the feeling before you end up
wanting to repeat the action. And look, I've moved from
the UK to New York to LA and each time
it was at different ages and I made a whole
new set of friends with every move. And yeah, it
(14:14):
takes effort, of course, it takes time. It takes putting
yourself out there and being bold, and it involves rejection
and uncertainty. But oh, my goodness, it was so worth
the effort. I have built friendships that are deeper and
closer to people that I have known for my whole life.
But honestly, nothing that is good in life doesn't take effort.
(14:34):
It really just depends on how much you really want it.
And on the flip side, if you actually feel like
they are good people and really you just need to
improve your relationship with them, then it just takes vulnerability.
And to get vulnerable in changing up the conversation, sharing
your heart, your pains, your joys, and asking questions that
you wouldn't normally ask, reducing the small talk, and finding
(14:55):
ways to truly connect to each other. I remember when
I was younger, I had this friend's circle where everything
was about gossip. It was about what everyone else was doing.
You know, it was a phase of life that we
were in, and I realized I didn't want to be
that person anymore. And so whenever the conversation would go
that way, I would shut it down or I would
try and navigate it into something else, because I really
wanted to upgrade my thoughts and my life. And you know,
(15:18):
I really knew that you were only as good as
the people that you surround yourself with. And so yeah,
some of those friendships fizzled away and others I had
to find new ways and new conversations to connect to
them and have and our friendships grew deeper and stronger
and have remained that way since. You can also shift
a friend into a different friend circle or category, redefining
that friendship rather than cutting them out. For example, I
(15:40):
have friends I work out with. It doesn't mean I'll
go on vacation with them, but when we work out,
we have the best time together, and our friendship starts
and ends there. But we both love that and we
have no desire to shift it into going for dinners
or hanging out, going, you know, spending deeper time together.
We just love at the time that we get to
spend together working out. That's how we connect. And so
(16:02):
maybe a friend that you would normally go on vacation
with that you can't stand anymore when you're on holiday
becomes a friend that you work out with, or becomes
a friend that you go on a walk with, or
becomes a friend that you can only handle in group settings,
not one on one. You just have to test the
waters and see what you're able to tolerate, and then
you can still interact with that person and have a
great relationship, but just in a different way. If you've
(16:23):
outgrown your friends, you do not have to cut them out.
Maybe you just end up redefining the friendship. Maybe it's
as simple as seeing them less or speaking less, more
time off between conversations or meetings. Maybe one of my
best friends from school had to take a two year
break from each other because we can no longer stand
each other, and she couldn't stand me and I couldn't
(16:44):
stand her. We used to speak every single day, multiple
times a day, for hours, and then one day we
ended up speaking again, and then we ended up having
a two year gap. We had an argument and realized
that we just no longer could be in each other's
life at the time, and then one day we ended
up speaking again and realizing we were both different humans
and totally started getting along again and speaking regularly. And
(17:05):
it's been like that for years now. And so a
break is also okay to allow people to grow and change,
and you can always try and revisit the friendship when
the time feels right. Nothing has to be definite. It's
important to give relationships chances too. It can't always be
a cut them off, one time chance only situation, because
that can become a lonely place too, And isn't that
how human relationships really work. We all make mistakes at
(17:27):
some point in life. I'll also add here that sometimes
it may not be them at all. It may be
a you thing, or it's a two way issue, and
we have to be open to looking at our own
weeds too. I really do believe that every single person
comes into our life for a reason. I believe us
so deeply. You may not at the time, but afterwards
you will look back and realize that there was a
(17:49):
lesson to be learned, a lesson about yourself, to teach
us about a lesson we need to learn, to bring
us joy and happiness, to take us on a journey
of emotions, and sometime to teach us what we really
want and really need in our life. Also, we will change,
and it's inevitable, so how can we expect others around
us not to Sometimes we change a part, and sometimes
(18:10):
we change together, and that is so okay. I look
back at friendships and think, damn, how beautiful was that time?
Do I wish I had it now? No? Not really.
But am I grateful for that person in that time,
for the memories and the inventions that we had. Yes, absolutely,
I remember I used to be that friend who would
want to have the conversation of breaking up, like analyzing
(18:33):
every single thing, whose fault it was, what happened. But
as I've grown, I've just realized a conversation isn't always needed.
What is really left to say that has not been
said already? And you know what, maybe there is a
conversation to be had, and that's a decision that you
have to make. But ask yourself, is a conversation needed
or kind of just fade out naturally? What's really left
(18:54):
to say between both of us? And often when something
isn't meant to be in your life anymore and you
stop holding on so tight, slowly a phase or washes
away organically. Now, to be honest, all I really want
is life is clean energy between people. I don't hate you,
you don't hate me. We don't need to be best friends,
(19:14):
but we can see each other and say hi, and
have zero tension or zero discomfort between us, and then
we just go about our day happy with nothing in
our mind, no bitterness, no sourness, just contentness that we
had a good experience at the time when we met. Seriously,
friendships are really like romantic relationships, and honestly, I think
that makes sense because friendships should be taken just as
(19:37):
seriously as relationships, because having a community is just so important.
We are made to connect and thrive when we live
within a larger community. Is how our ancestors lived and
thrived too. It's actually hard and nowadays building these meaningful connections,
So don't give up too easily, and make sure you
pour energy and effort into the connections that mean the
(19:57):
most to you. And So if you're someone that's really
even struggling with your friendships lately, there's two things I recommend.
Going through these lists that I mentioned and seeing what
areas you're really struggling with that person, and seeing what
the trigger points are with that person. But then also
going through it in your mind about yourself. What is
it that I could change, How is it that I
(20:17):
am changing that's no longer fitting this person or this
version of this person that I used to be able
to connect to so deeply. And it may be that
you need to make a shift, and it may be
that they need to make a shift and often having
that conversation that, hey, when you do this, it really
doesn't sit well with me anymore. And I think sometimes
we forget how much can be lost in assumption that
(20:39):
we keep in our mind, misinterpretation of things, misanalyzing things.
Small actions can tend so big in our mind just
because we do not communicate with the other person. And
so if it is a relationship that has a lot
of love left in it, having an open conversation about
the things that you can no longer handle with them
(21:00):
a beautiful place to change and a beautiful place to
start off a new chapter of your friendship. And you
know what, we all have this inner voice that tells
us when things are not sitting right, which we usually
end up ignoring. And so you will know when something
doesn't feel right. You will know when a friendship does
not feel right anymore. And sometimes it's also us not
(21:20):
knowing ourselves. Like I realized, I had to really redefine
and start setting standards that were important to me before
I end up getting into a friendship and having that
clay in my mind. Because there are so many of
us who actually don't know what we are looking for.
Just like in a relationship, What are you looking for
in a friendship? What are your needs in a friendship?
How do you like to communicate? Like, really being clear
about that before you even start friendships. It's so important
(21:43):
because otherwise you cannot know, and then things start annoying you.
And it's like, had you said that from the beginning,
the person probably wouldn't have been appealing to you, or
you would have been very mindful of those things before
even getting close to that person. And those of us
who are in the process of actually breaking that people
pleasing pattern or that pattern that I was mentioning earlier,
of the feeling of being needed, will probably outgrow more
(22:05):
friendships than most because you end up letting go of
the problematic behaviors that made those relationships possible in the
first place. And so when you're letting go of those
behaviors and those habits, naturally those people fall away with
them because you're no longer useful to them in that way,
and they can no longer see you in the way
because you're not allowing them to have the same access
(22:25):
than that they were used to having, and that shift
can seem like, Oh, they just don't care about me anymore.
And it's difficult changing sometimes those relationships from relationships where
they were taking to being reciprocal, because that's not how
you set the tone from the beginning. There's this really
great diagram, and if you think about it in your head,
you can probably visualize it where it's all the different
circles of friendships all the way to the intimate ones
(22:48):
and all the way out to acquaintances. So you know,
the first circle on the outside is acquaintances, people that
you you know high by don't ever get into deep conversations.
Then you have the people that I know when I like,
so the people that I know that I like, I've
spent time with we've had some sort of interaction. Then
there's the kindred spirits or you know, the people that
you just met and from the first day that you
(23:11):
met them, you felt this connection with them. And then
it's your friends. You're like the friends that feel like
family who are in the inner circle. We also have
to realize there's going to be more and more as
the circles go outwards, and so don't expect yourself to
have one hundred friends in that smallest circle in the middle,
because there's not enough space for them. In your life,
(23:32):
like and they are few and far between because it
is such a special connection. And so if you are
let anger of people, you should also think how many
people do I already have in my life that take
up that space? Do I need more of those in
my life? Or am I trying to keep too many
within this circle when we than men for one of
the other ones. The problem is in this culture, many
of us feel like a healthy or happy friendship is
(23:53):
one that's constantly the same and grows forward forever. One
that gets bigger or more important, takes up more time
and takes up more space with every single year, And
that when a relationship does ebb and flow and have
its ups and downs, that something is wrong or bad,
rather than actually seeing it as a natural function of
all relationships and how relationships are supposed to go. So
(24:15):
when you're actually trying to place a friend into a category,
these are the questions you have to ask yourself, like
how often do I communicate with this person? More forms
of communication do we even use? How often do I
spend time with this person? What topics am I comfortable
talking to them about? Like, honestly, I'm the type of
person I don't tell many people most things about my life.
(24:36):
They may see it, they may hear about it from
other people, but there are very few people I can
count on my hand one hand how many people I
truly voice things to or share things with. There's that
idea in your mind that if your best friends you
have to talk about everything and share everything. No, I
think that's such a young minded version of friendship. There's
different friends that you could have for different things, and
(24:58):
I think that's also important to remember, but that you
don't even have to tell your best friend everything. Maybe
you have different best friends for different reasons and different
points of areas that you really connect to. Also, ask yourself,
what is my expectation of this person and what's the
expectation of me? When you realize the expectation of you
may be larger than what you're able to give, that
may also shift where that friend lies in your friend's circle.
(25:21):
And lastly, do I enjoy my time with this person?
Do I feel like I'm gaining and receiving things that
I need in my life from this person in this
moment of time. Thank you so much for listening. I
really hope that this helps you to create better friendships.
Deeper friendships, friendships with more meaning. It gives you a
thoughtful place to start to really notice whether you have
(25:42):
friends in your life that you no longer have space for,
but also makes you realize maybe there are areas that
you also need to change, and maybe that places where
you need to let go to create better friendships in
your life. I hope this was useful. Would love to
know if you end up listening to it, let me know,
send me your thoughts and ideas and feedback. I appreciate
you will so much. Thank you all so much for listening.
(26:04):
See you next time.
Host
Radhi Devlukia
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