June 4, 2019 • 29 mins
He’s been called a walking miracle. Two-time NBA World Champion Lamar Odom was found unconscious in a Nevada brothel nearly four years ago and was in critical condition, fighting for his life. In this interview, Lamar opens up to Dr. Oz about his harrowing story of survival and the truth about his road to recovery that keeps him from falling back into the dark throes of addiction.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:01):
I mean, well, there was days where you know you're
heart being too fast. Now you can't sleep. But I
mean rock bottom was that whatever I was hiding now
it was exposed, or people are gonna whatever I was
trying to hide is exposed because people thought I was
doing drugs at this damn brothel. Um, there's the best
(00:25):
situation manh Hi, I'm Dr Oz and this is the
(00:48):
Doctor Oz Podcast. He's been called a walking miracle two
times NBA World champion. Lamar Odom was found unconscious in
Nevada brothel nearly four years ago and was in critical
condition fighting for his life. Today, Lamar is here with
his harrowing story of survival and the truth about his
road to recovery that keeps him from falling back into
(01:09):
the dark throes of addiction. His new book didntly called
Darkness to Light. What did it take for you to
come here, Lamar and talk openly about what you went through?
It takes a brave man to do that. But you've
taken a life that we were all watching from afar
and brought it into the light for us um therapy. Um.
(01:32):
It was extremely therapeutic for me to vent um in
this form and then I wanted to tell let let
my family know exactly what I was going through while
he missed so many days, you know, where was he?
I wanted to let everyone know where I was going through,
where I was that mentally, and I'm hopefully it will
(01:54):
help man old relationships that was that hurt due to
my um my addiction. Well let's start with Ben. You're
talking the book about your relationship with your father, and
a lot of folks listening right now I've had issues
with their dad's If you don't mind share yours with everybody,
(02:16):
I want people to take lessons away from it. Well,
you know, at a at an early age, you know
that the trauma that we go through at at an
early age, I think it um it helps shapes us
into the people that we become. And on top of
seeing my father and my mother go through some physical altercations,
(02:37):
my father was was a heroin addict, so I think
maybe he might have passed the gene towards me. And
that was the most beneficial UM lesson that my my
kids and I learned. My stating rehab was that these
(03:00):
are not choices that we make constantly. An addict is
someone who is who can't even make rational decisions. Yeah, yeah,
that was some of the most important lessons to that
my family was able to learn. The things you disliked
about your father is what in many ways you became
I start to become. Yeah, it's too bad that my
(03:20):
family had to Um, my kids really would hurt the most.
Um in my in my years of addiction, I would say,
help me understand how how it all came down. So
you're at NBA Superstar, top of you game. Actually, let's
go before that, you're playing in high school, having a
(03:42):
good time, anything going on in your life at that point.
That was a harbinger, a warning of things you're where
to come. Um, well I didn't. I didn't really understand.
Um that I might have been past that gene and
um I'm an avid pot smoker now, but I would
(04:04):
hate to think that. UM. I don't know if it
was subconscious, maybe like the pot, I just wanted to
try and make another high. I don't know what the
hell maybe wanted to, um to try cocaine because I'm
the fathers The stories that my father used to always
tell me about Lenn Bias, who was a famous basketball
player and he was drafted on on his UM the
(04:25):
day of his UM day he was drafted. You know,
he tried cocaine and and ody and um. So it
was something I never thought I would try. I don't
know if so constantly, if I wanted to get higher?
But really, when did you first try cocaine? I was, so,
you're already so in high school, nothing much, college pros
(04:50):
no nothing? So what what what was the first time?
What the very first time that you started the stray?
Because at this point you're already a superstar. Yeah, so
you're Why would you want to do drugs when you
already in top of your game? What wasn't filled? I
don't know if I was trying to, like subconstiantly feeling
the loss of my mother or maybe the loss of
(05:10):
my son. There are a lot of losses, and I
don't know what I was trying to feel. When you
when you, when you when you when you do cocaine,
do you think you're getting high but you're getting low?
How so you're knowing things in your in your nose
that can cause you your life would if it hits
you the wrong way? It doesn't make sense why I
even take that risk. But when you say you're about
(05:33):
twelve years ol when you lost your mom? Yeah? Yeah,
what was going on in your life when that happened?
How did you deal with it? How I dealt with
it was that damn basketball. It was like my way
to escape from everything at that time. You know, when
you're twelve, you're confused, hurt, You're not gonna see your
mother anymore, don't even know how. You don't even know
(05:53):
how to you know how to digest that, how to
make sense of it. But luckily for me had my
grandmother and God was on the side. I guess was
your dad around? Yeah? No, not really then? So this
fast for you, I'm not sure how well you could
cope with your mom's lost. Yes, you have support, you've
(06:13):
got God, you've got love your grandmom, But life's not full.
Then you lose your your child. Yeah, I think that's
the one that I'm probably still hurt from the most.
I don't think i've even um I had the opportunity
as the rock and my family even to grieve, if
that makes sense. I always felt like I had to
(06:34):
put on be strong for everyone else. I don't know
if I even took the time to deal with that.
Even if you were the rock on the outside. What
were you feeling on the inside. Could you imagine losing
a uh six month year old? No, that's why I'm asking.
And I used to look at you. I used to
walk into the room it slottle. Duty's just like stare
at me without me even saying anything. I knew he
(06:56):
knew if his father was Um in his place, and
his face is you know, his face tattooed on my
chest and will always be with me. But I mean,
you know, it hurts like hell, hurts like hell. You
don't even know how to digest it. You don't even
know to make sense of it. But I think the
only one of the only ways I was able to
(07:17):
get over it, I didn't. I didn't ask why the
next why? I mean, if if I'm not mistaken, he
passed away the same day as my grandmother m So
to me, that was like, you know, like spiritually I
felt connected. But maybe that she was telling me that
she got him. Yeah, she got him. So through the
(07:39):
emotional strife and some of it may have given you
the drive to become the athlete. Oh, I definitely did. It.
Definitely did. Even though Um playing in the NBA, I
felt like it was my destiny, like I knew at
eight or nine years old when I was going to
be doing, which is also a blessing. So you're you're
playing the game, but now you're starting to your drugs cocaine,
(08:01):
which you very wisely sage. You are saying it wasn't
a high, it was a low. Is it admitting that
you couldn't cope? Were you thinking about how that would
affect your gabe, how would affect your career at the time,
I would say no, I was being selfish, um, you know,
but obviously I think about all those summers that it
(08:25):
was kind of wasted where I could have been perfecting
my craft man and becoming the best player that I
possibly could. And you know, it's so that's probably the
one thing that I regret about throwing drugs or having
this weakness that I couldn't control. Just the time missed
from every from everything from my family and the most
(08:47):
my children. Yeah, how's your relationship with your family now?
It's great, it's great. I think it's been healed. Um.
But you know, when you go through things and you
get beat down and sometimes the only thing you have
to lean on is your family and yourself. The forgiveness
process is hard. It's hard for you to forgive yourself.
(09:07):
I guess that's why I'm so pressure, so honest about
what what what you went through? Hard for people who
loved you, trusted you to forgive you for having wronged them.
And that's what this like, this book, it's like, um,
it's just like letting them know where I was at mentally,
and you know why I was going um down such
(09:29):
a dark road, you know, but I'm hearing out on
him a fighter and I didn't give up. What do
they say to you when you realized that you need
to talk to them and be honest with what was
going down? What my my my daughter is really proud
of me, um, And and that's really all I live for.
(09:54):
That's sort of love my kids. That really keeps me going.
It keeps my mo we're running. I lived selfishly for
so long it hurts me even to say that, But
you know what, I man a little selfishly for so long.
So it was just time to give back. A lot
of people listening right now living selfishly. They just don't
know it yet. Yeah, I mean, it's is it time
(10:17):
to give back? My time is now for everything, all right,
we'll just scratching the service here, but we've got a
lot more to discussed, so stay with us after the break.
So let's go through some of the things you did.
And I'm I'm curious about them only because I'm I'm
wondering how your mind was working as you got through
(10:39):
these things, and because you're so brutally honest, which I respect,
maybe could shut some light for all the rest of
us how this civen happens. Because we look around the
people that we admire superstars, and we want to what
went down. But then we go back, you know about
while they we go back fifteen years. One of the
dreams that every basketball player has is representing their country
in the Olympics. Right, So you're picked for the team,
(11:00):
not surprisingly because it was the dream, you know, incredible
mix of talent, and you realize you might have an
issue because you got a drug test. And everyone's been
reading the tabloids about went down. But I'm just curious
what you're what was going through your mind when you
realize I could be thrown away the dream of my
life because these drug issues, you know, And and I
(11:21):
brought this story up like the one thing that I
didn't want to cause any controversy with USA basketball or
the hardest part about reading this book was me being
like too honest, Like I didn't want to offend the
the Kobe Bryants, or the pat Riley's, or the Phil
Jackson's or the world like people that you know took
(11:42):
a common interest in me, um, and that we're really
genuine with me. I didn't really want to offend them.
So I guess that was the hardest part about being
completely honest in this book. But you know, my honesty
set me free and and hopefully it can. Um. You
know people that are going through it. I can't get
(12:03):
over at death or I can't get through the addiction.
Hopefully it can help him. And I hopeully it can
give him a push in the right direction. So you're
you're sitting there about to go to the drug test
just to recount, do you have a I don't know
who was whose idea was to get a PROSTI it
was a friend of mine who is a good friend.
I just wish that he could have been a better
friend and kept me away from the drugs. But um,
(12:27):
I've been smoking, man. I wanted that whole summer and
and doing god knows what um I was. It was marijuana,
smoking marijuana the whole so I'm not knew that I
couldn't embarrasced myself for USA basketball. Decided to um use
a fake penis. I have to clean yourn But but
(12:47):
that I thinking that was just by any means necessary,
you know, always always with a dream of mine to
play USA basketball, you know, make it happen. It has
to be fresh yurine, right to be warm urine was
scary though, the whole process of scary. I'm thinking, like, damn,
if I get caught, you know, like everything, I'll be over.
(13:08):
So since I'm a doctor, I'm trying to envision how
this happens. Because if I was watching someone p I'd
probably be able to tell that it was legit or not.
So you know, I forgot the fake I think you're
not really like just on it, You're not, So where's
the where's the actual yurine? Hell? Is there a bladder
behind the fake penis as like a little ball? Second,
and you just they actually make they make a fake
(13:30):
penis with a ball. Second, because it has to keep
it warm. Oh my goodness. And when you so you
painted the cop that they the drunk testure comes over
sees it, it's warm, dips it tests it. Well. You
don't get to test right away, but obviously you know
that you pass when they don't come down when your door.
And so when he said welcome to the USA Basketball
or whatever he said, how did that affect you? Um?
(13:53):
I made it. It worked, but I didn't. I'll bring
this to light. I didn't. I'm laughing about it now.
But it is something that I'm not proud of. Obviously.
I really think I'm almost ashamed, to be honest, I
could have let my country down. You know, it's a
(14:14):
bad situation. Were you worried by telling the story now
that they could take your metal back from you a
little bit? A little bit? We want the bronze? Yeah, yeah, well,
I mean those are consequences every becustoms. I gotta live with,
I guess. So in the middle of all this, the
(14:34):
pressure unused mounting. You know, you're you're doing keeping up
with the Kardashians. They had your own show, Chloe Lamar.
So you know folks are all over here there watching you.
They're staring at your gawking actual actually because they want to.
And half of them a watching because they want to
be like you. The other have for watching the train
wreck and not sure you know what's going down and
all this while you're sort of camouflaging weak. This is
(14:55):
the problem. The problem through that process, were you having
imposter syndrome thing, can I'm not worthy of this? Or
you're thinking the heck with it all? Life's not worth living?
I lost my son. No, life's always been worth living. Um,
And that's it's funny that you said, because that's the
slogans for my c D CBD line it's worth living.
(15:18):
But life has always been worth living to me and
never wanted to take my own life or anything like that.
It's always been worth living. But as those shows are airing,
you're more and more in the public eye. People are
getting to know you intimately. Yeah, and that was that
was the different part of reality TV than just being
a sportsman. Being a sportsman, people think don't they know you,
(15:41):
but being a reality TV star, like they really really
feel like they know you and so and the two.
It was a tough combination to deal with. But I've
played the best basketball in my career. When I was
married to Chloe, I won six minute a year ward
m took a great deal of concentration, um and commitment
(16:03):
to do that. I think that was like I lost
my prouder sports moment. I always admired the sixth Man
because it meant that you could be selfless, you come
off the bench and be better than the people start
the game. That's right. I didn't. I didn't start every
game that year, but I finished them. Yeah, you finished them.
So when when when you're going again? In the honesty
(16:26):
in the book, you've talked about the fact that you've
had sexual intercourse with two thousand works. That was being artististic,
but it was a thousand hundred. I don't I don't know.
I don't you know. I have a daughter um that
I respect, and women in my life that I respect.
(16:47):
I don't. I wouldn't want to disrespect then. But I
was just trying to bring the life to the book
or letting people know, let them see through life through
my eyes. Well, you you were honest the fact that
were addicted the sex. I think when someone says they've
had intimacy that many times, it's not about being in
love with that many women. It's about that something that
some unfulfilled need you have, just like with drugs. So
(17:09):
I'm just curious how that gets translated in recovery, which
is where you are now. When you if you're talking
to Chloe or other folks that you've you know, in
this case very specifically being unfaithful to her, how do
you cross that barrier to two? It becomes the healing
experience as opposed to the darkness that you were in before.
(17:30):
How do you bring light to it? To this? To this?
I think we really like really made me go hard
with my sexual um addiction was because when I've when
I thought of cocaine, thought of having sex, so they
came hand to hand. Yeah, and I'm not doing cocaine anymore.
(17:54):
So a lot of the addictions that are just like
staring and slip away, you know, the triggers go yeah,
so yeah, that's what they were triggers for each other.
So taking back if you can, to that faithful day
that you when you nearly died. I remember I was
on the set and I heard the story of what happened,
and like many I'd heard rumors here and there, but
(18:15):
it just it just didn't seem believable. Yeah, so you're
you're in this brothel, Um, You're in Vegas and you're
doing cocaine. I didn't do cocaine all and a lot
of people they don't know that. But when you have
the um a history and I tell people that, they're like, okay, whatever,
(18:38):
But I don't know what they you know, we're able
to do to me or anything. But it almost worked.
But I'm just living testimomony testimony. There is a god.
But what what? What? What happened that that? How did
you know I would sleep? The next thing? I know?
I woke up? Honest with you, you just passed out. Yeah,
I couldn't. When I woke up, I couldn't walk and
(18:59):
couldn't talk. Scary, So again, as a doctor, from what
I can tell, it looked like, first of all, you
shouldn't be here, right, I mean, there is no way
you should be sitting across from me lucidly describing your recovery.
You had a bunch of strokes, small ones. So how
(19:19):
do you how do you put all the pieces together
in your own mind? You have no recall of any
of this. No, No, I was sleep. You know, you're
a doctor. You know what being a coma is. No,
you missed the fun, Yeah, I missed it. I missed it,
but maybe Well, the reason why I'm here is to
let people know. Why do you call that day rock bottom?
(19:40):
I mean, obviously you almost died. I get that, But
why why that day in particular? But the other warning
days before that? With your thoughts? I can't keep doing this.
I mean, well, there was days where you know, your
heart being too fast, man, you can't sleep, and you
know what I'm saying, You realize like, damn, why do
(20:00):
I do that? And of course the effects of cocaine
the next day it is harsh, um, But I mean
rock bottom, was that whatever I was hiding now it
was exposed or people are gonna whatever I was trying
to hide as exposed because people thought I was, you know,
(20:21):
doing drugs that this damn brothel. Um, there's the bad
situation man. Why why did you go to the Bunny
Ranch that day? You know? It's funny because I remember
actually watching the Bunny Ranch on HBO. Yeah, and it's
it's it's funny. Don't you even bring that up? I
(20:42):
remember watching it with my ex wife. Did I wind
up going there? Is that? Why you went there? Because
you've seen it? Yeah? I seen it on TV seen
x BO it's nice. What were you curious? What? What? What? What? What?
What made you want to trink to see what the
inside of us? I thought you've already seen on television
just being a freak and every which way to work
(21:07):
looking forward, and that me and Chloe were going through
it at that time when she was trying to him
make the divorce final and everything. So I wasn't in
a good place, good headspace mentally. It's a great time
for soon to take advantage of me. So what do
you think happened? I don't have no idea. I have
(21:28):
no idea. I have no idea. I don't know how
they got it into my system or what. But whatever
it was, you know, I think about it all the time.
It's like sometimes I think like, why did he pick
me to do it too? Or you know, I'm like,
(21:50):
what would he get out of harm? And me? Who's he?
The guy that that worked money ranged in his high
got It's hard for me to even understand that. But
if I'm not mistaken, I think he passed away in
the same room I overdosing. I know it passed through.
I didn't know it was the same room. I heard
it was the same room. Did you ever ask him,
(22:11):
noting it to ask him. I didn't get too I
didn't get to see him. But you know he has
a family. I don't. I wouldn't want to expect his
legacy or his memory. There's lots more. Will we come
back so you don't remember passing out, You're ending up
(22:34):
at the hospital. Your whole family is running over to
try to manage you. Were you were you when you awakened.
Then you realize that Chloe's around you and your kids
are you know, how did that affect you? Well? Um,
I think the part that Chloe Knight was there because
at that point in time of a relationship, you know,
me me being found in at a brothel, I would
(22:58):
think that would have give her old energy to be
like keep him away from me, just stay away from me.
But but not not just because of that, but because
she was there and bringing me the pictures of my
mother to help get my memory back, making sure I
had the best in physical therapy, making sure I was
(23:20):
doing the I had the best doctors to get my
speech back and talk. I mean, that was that was amazing.
She's like she's an angel, lets me know that God
is real. You still love her hm. You're never gonna
lose love for someone that you marry after thirty days,
you know what I mean that that I'll never go anywhere.
(23:45):
So the injuries that you sustained that Chloe and others
helped you get past seemed to have recovered quite a bit.
Just okay. I mean that's why I'm like doing all
these things for the mental health and kind of mean
did it work? I think so just helped me open up.
(24:07):
Did you give a care to me for depression or
puttramatic stress disorder? I do it for everything, take more
than um. Uh, what's the experience like when they give
you cared to me? Because it just got f the
approved first. Yeah. Well when I was the first time
I did it, cared to me? Busness crazy? Was um
(24:27):
film the documentary on Academy m hm um. The first
time I did it, that was like I went to heaven.
I just felt all this, Oh well, I'm a love
and emotion and then you know you're hallucinating. I've always
(24:49):
been against doing drugs intravenously, you know, because of my
father's history. But you know, if I could take this
intravenous medicine and it can help clear my depression or
anxiety and just make me better. Hope, open my third eye.
(25:11):
Then I'll do it every days. You have two things
are really cool. The first is the third eye. What
do you know about the third eye? I just know
it makes you better explain to everybody at home. Well,
I mean if you can see things for what they
truly are and the good, the bad, and ugly and
learn from him, then why not use it? And I
(25:33):
think a lot of people are like scared to tap
into it because a lot of us is like scared
of greatness or scared to UM understand how great we
can be, how much UM potentially that we each have,
that we all have we think that support. Were you
(25:54):
scared of greatness for a long time, a long time? Yeah? Yeah,
hopefully this this book is UM not the first step
but not the not the first and the last step
the greatness. So let me go back to the first
time they offered ketamine to what was the situation? What
was going on that they said, Hey, listen with you
(26:15):
know I have I have UM this this this this
friend whoever started the CBD company with He's from from Utah. UM.
He was especially person to me. He came into my life,
and he just knew what I was going through. He said, Lamar,
I got to some this plant medicine, Dusty, try I
can't click um ketamine what I'm not really into into
(26:38):
sticking needles in my own And I tried it and
it started to work immediately. Oh he gave me the Yeah. No,
he didn't give it. He didn't personally give it to me.
But of course we've got with doctors and and did
the kademine in Utah. And how often are you taking
care ofmine now? Um, the last four or five months,
(26:59):
I probably took it like four or five times. It's cool.
And what do you think about folks listening right now
who might be actually depressed or in recovery or having
issues with post traumatic stresses sort of? That's returning back
trying kedemy will be open up, open up your heart
in your mind to getting better. It's not easy and
(27:20):
it ain't gonna just come to you, ain't gonna just
fall in your lap. You gotta go out and search
for it. When you walk down that hospital alive, were
you already in recovery or was that just the very
beginning to wake up calling You couldn't even process it
I'm couldn't process and I don't know, I don't know
(27:43):
what was at you know, there's some things that I'm
still trying to um process and I think the Kedemy
just when I can say it could open you up
with I had a problem with being empathetic. You did. Yeah,
I don't know where that, where that came from, was
(28:05):
just I've always been a people person, but I just
always had a problem of showing empathy, because you seem
pretty empathetic to me. Yeah, we're talking about the book.
Do you feel like you're fully recovered from the injuries
you sustained at the Bunny Ranch? Yeah? Yeah, yeah, they
(28:27):
should have shared. I'll leave it alone, but I feel
like I fully recovered. All right, You're still working on
on the big question we all face in our lives.
Who are we really? Who is lamar? Well? You know what,
I'll be forty um November six, and I can still
(28:50):
I can honestly say I'm still learning about learning a
little bit about myself every day. But my grandmother told
me when you stopped learning is when you stopped living.
So I'm living song for ever, learning about myself, about
everything around me every day. You've got your wise grandmother. Listen,
I really really enjoyed meeting with you. Treasure your honesty.
(29:11):
I think you're gonna change a lot of lives. You
can hear lots more about Lamar and his fantastic memoir
Darkness to Life's got a handsome picture on it. Thanks
bless you. Thanks not
I mean, well, there was days where you know you're
heart being too fast. Now you can't sleep. But I
mean rock bottom was that whatever I was hiding now
it was exposed, or people are gonna whatever I was
trying to hide is exposed because people thought I was
doing drugs at this damn brothel. Um, there's the best
(00:25):
situation manh Hi, I'm Dr Oz and this is the
(00:48):
Doctor Oz Podcast. He's been called a walking miracle two
times NBA World champion. Lamar Odom was found unconscious in
Nevada brothel nearly four years ago and was in critical
condition fighting for his life. Today, Lamar is here with
his harrowing story of survival and the truth about his
road to recovery that keeps him from falling back into
(01:09):
the dark throes of addiction. His new book didntly called
Darkness to Light. What did it take for you to
come here, Lamar and talk openly about what you went through?
It takes a brave man to do that. But you've
taken a life that we were all watching from afar
and brought it into the light for us um therapy. Um.
(01:32):
It was extremely therapeutic for me to vent um in
this form and then I wanted to tell let let
my family know exactly what I was going through while
he missed so many days, you know, where was he?
I wanted to let everyone know where I was going through,
where I was that mentally, and I'm hopefully it will
(01:54):
help man old relationships that was that hurt due to
my um my addiction. Well let's start with Ben. You're
talking the book about your relationship with your father, and
a lot of folks listening right now I've had issues
with their dad's If you don't mind share yours with everybody,
(02:16):
I want people to take lessons away from it. Well,
you know, at a at an early age, you know
that the trauma that we go through at at an
early age, I think it um it helps shapes us
into the people that we become. And on top of
seeing my father and my mother go through some physical altercations,
(02:37):
my father was was a heroin addict, so I think
maybe he might have passed the gene towards me. And
that was the most beneficial UM lesson that my my
kids and I learned. My stating rehab was that these
(03:00):
are not choices that we make constantly. An addict is
someone who is who can't even make rational decisions. Yeah, yeah,
that was some of the most important lessons to that
my family was able to learn. The things you disliked
about your father is what in many ways you became
I start to become. Yeah, it's too bad that my
(03:20):
family had to Um, my kids really would hurt the most.
Um in my in my years of addiction, I would say,
help me understand how how it all came down. So
you're at NBA Superstar, top of you game. Actually, let's
go before that, you're playing in high school, having a
(03:42):
good time, anything going on in your life at that point.
That was a harbinger, a warning of things you're where
to come. Um, well I didn't. I didn't really understand.
Um that I might have been past that gene and
um I'm an avid pot smoker now, but I would
(04:04):
hate to think that. UM. I don't know if it
was subconscious, maybe like the pot, I just wanted to
try and make another high. I don't know what the
hell maybe wanted to, um to try cocaine because I'm
the fathers The stories that my father used to always
tell me about Lenn Bias, who was a famous basketball
player and he was drafted on on his UM the
(04:25):
day of his UM day he was drafted. You know,
he tried cocaine and and ody and um. So it
was something I never thought I would try. I don't
know if so constantly, if I wanted to get higher?
But really, when did you first try cocaine? I was, so,
you're already so in high school, nothing much, college pros
(04:50):
no nothing? So what what what was the first time?
What the very first time that you started the stray?
Because at this point you're already a superstar. Yeah, so
you're Why would you want to do drugs when you
already in top of your game? What wasn't filled? I
don't know if I was trying to, like subconstiantly feeling
the loss of my mother or maybe the loss of
(05:10):
my son. There are a lot of losses, and I
don't know what I was trying to feel. When you
when you, when you when you when you do cocaine,
do you think you're getting high but you're getting low?
How so you're knowing things in your in your nose
that can cause you your life would if it hits
you the wrong way? It doesn't make sense why I
even take that risk. But when you say you're about
(05:33):
twelve years ol when you lost your mom? Yeah? Yeah,
what was going on in your life when that happened?
How did you deal with it? How I dealt with
it was that damn basketball. It was like my way
to escape from everything at that time. You know, when
you're twelve, you're confused, hurt, You're not gonna see your
mother anymore, don't even know how. You don't even know
(05:53):
how to you know how to digest that, how to
make sense of it. But luckily for me had my
grandmother and God was on the side. I guess was
your dad around? Yeah? No, not really then? So this
fast for you, I'm not sure how well you could
cope with your mom's lost. Yes, you have support, you've
(06:13):
got God, you've got love your grandmom, But life's not full.
Then you lose your your child. Yeah, I think that's
the one that I'm probably still hurt from the most.
I don't think i've even um I had the opportunity
as the rock and my family even to grieve, if
that makes sense. I always felt like I had to
(06:34):
put on be strong for everyone else. I don't know
if I even took the time to deal with that.
Even if you were the rock on the outside. What
were you feeling on the inside. Could you imagine losing
a uh six month year old? No, that's why I'm asking.
And I used to look at you. I used to
walk into the room it slottle. Duty's just like stare
at me without me even saying anything. I knew he
(06:56):
knew if his father was Um in his place, and
his face is you know, his face tattooed on my
chest and will always be with me. But I mean,
you know, it hurts like hell, hurts like hell. You
don't even know how to digest it. You don't even
know to make sense of it. But I think the
only one of the only ways I was able to
(07:17):
get over it, I didn't. I didn't ask why the
next why? I mean, if if I'm not mistaken, he
passed away the same day as my grandmother m So
to me, that was like, you know, like spiritually I
felt connected. But maybe that she was telling me that
she got him. Yeah, she got him. So through the
(07:39):
emotional strife and some of it may have given you
the drive to become the athlete. Oh, I definitely did. It.
Definitely did. Even though Um playing in the NBA, I
felt like it was my destiny, like I knew at
eight or nine years old when I was going to
be doing, which is also a blessing. So you're you're
playing the game, but now you're starting to your drugs cocaine,
(08:01):
which you very wisely sage. You are saying it wasn't
a high, it was a low. Is it admitting that
you couldn't cope? Were you thinking about how that would
affect your gabe, how would affect your career at the time,
I would say no, I was being selfish, um, you know,
but obviously I think about all those summers that it
(08:25):
was kind of wasted where I could have been perfecting
my craft man and becoming the best player that I
possibly could. And you know, it's so that's probably the
one thing that I regret about throwing drugs or having
this weakness that I couldn't control. Just the time missed
from every from everything from my family and the most
(08:47):
my children. Yeah, how's your relationship with your family now?
It's great, it's great. I think it's been healed. Um.
But you know, when you go through things and you
get beat down and sometimes the only thing you have
to lean on is your family and yourself. The forgiveness
process is hard. It's hard for you to forgive yourself.
(09:07):
I guess that's why I'm so pressure, so honest about
what what what you went through? Hard for people who
loved you, trusted you to forgive you for having wronged them.
And that's what this like, this book, it's like, um,
it's just like letting them know where I was at mentally,
and you know why I was going um down such
(09:29):
a dark road, you know, but I'm hearing out on
him a fighter and I didn't give up. What do
they say to you when you realized that you need
to talk to them and be honest with what was
going down? What my my my daughter is really proud
of me, um, And and that's really all I live for.
(09:54):
That's sort of love my kids. That really keeps me going.
It keeps my mo we're running. I lived selfishly for
so long it hurts me even to say that, But
you know what, I man a little selfishly for so long.
So it was just time to give back. A lot
of people listening right now living selfishly. They just don't
know it yet. Yeah, I mean, it's is it time
(10:17):
to give back? My time is now for everything, all right,
we'll just scratching the service here, but we've got a
lot more to discussed, so stay with us after the break.
So let's go through some of the things you did.
And I'm I'm curious about them only because I'm I'm
wondering how your mind was working as you got through
(10:39):
these things, and because you're so brutally honest, which I respect,
maybe could shut some light for all the rest of
us how this civen happens. Because we look around the
people that we admire superstars, and we want to what
went down. But then we go back, you know about
while they we go back fifteen years. One of the
dreams that every basketball player has is representing their country
in the Olympics. Right, So you're picked for the team,
(11:00):
not surprisingly because it was the dream, you know, incredible
mix of talent, and you realize you might have an
issue because you got a drug test. And everyone's been
reading the tabloids about went down. But I'm just curious
what you're what was going through your mind when you
realize I could be thrown away the dream of my
life because these drug issues, you know, And and I
(11:21):
brought this story up like the one thing that I
didn't want to cause any controversy with USA basketball or
the hardest part about reading this book was me being
like too honest, Like I didn't want to offend the
the Kobe Bryants, or the pat Riley's, or the Phil
Jackson's or the world like people that you know took
(11:42):
a common interest in me, um, and that we're really
genuine with me. I didn't really want to offend them.
So I guess that was the hardest part about being
completely honest in this book. But you know, my honesty
set me free and and hopefully it can. Um. You
know people that are going through it. I can't get
(12:03):
over at death or I can't get through the addiction.
Hopefully it can help him. And I hopeully it can
give him a push in the right direction. So you're
you're sitting there about to go to the drug test
just to recount, do you have a I don't know
who was whose idea was to get a PROSTI it
was a friend of mine who is a good friend.
I just wish that he could have been a better
friend and kept me away from the drugs. But um,
(12:27):
I've been smoking, man. I wanted that whole summer and
and doing god knows what um I was. It was marijuana,
smoking marijuana the whole so I'm not knew that I
couldn't embarrasced myself for USA basketball. Decided to um use
a fake penis. I have to clean yourn But but
(12:47):
that I thinking that was just by any means necessary,
you know, always always with a dream of mine to
play USA basketball, you know, make it happen. It has
to be fresh yurine, right to be warm urine was
scary though, the whole process of scary. I'm thinking, like, damn,
if I get caught, you know, like everything, I'll be over.
(13:08):
So since I'm a doctor, I'm trying to envision how
this happens. Because if I was watching someone p I'd
probably be able to tell that it was legit or not.
So you know, I forgot the fake I think you're
not really like just on it, You're not, So where's
the where's the actual yurine? Hell? Is there a bladder
behind the fake penis as like a little ball? Second,
and you just they actually make they make a fake
(13:30):
penis with a ball. Second, because it has to keep
it warm. Oh my goodness. And when you so you
painted the cop that they the drunk testure comes over
sees it, it's warm, dips it tests it. Well. You
don't get to test right away, but obviously you know
that you pass when they don't come down when your door.
And so when he said welcome to the USA Basketball
or whatever he said, how did that affect you? Um?
(13:53):
I made it. It worked, but I didn't. I'll bring
this to light. I didn't. I'm laughing about it now.
But it is something that I'm not proud of. Obviously.
I really think I'm almost ashamed, to be honest, I
could have let my country down. You know, it's a
(14:14):
bad situation. Were you worried by telling the story now
that they could take your metal back from you a
little bit? A little bit? We want the bronze? Yeah, yeah, well,
I mean those are consequences every becustoms. I gotta live with,
I guess. So in the middle of all this, the
(14:34):
pressure unused mounting. You know, you're you're doing keeping up
with the Kardashians. They had your own show, Chloe Lamar.
So you know folks are all over here there watching you.
They're staring at your gawking actual actually because they want to.
And half of them a watching because they want to
be like you. The other have for watching the train
wreck and not sure you know what's going down and
all this while you're sort of camouflaging weak. This is
(14:55):
the problem. The problem through that process, were you having
imposter syndrome thing, can I'm not worthy of this? Or
you're thinking the heck with it all? Life's not worth living?
I lost my son. No, life's always been worth living. Um,
And that's it's funny that you said, because that's the
slogans for my c D CBD line it's worth living.
(15:18):
But life has always been worth living to me and
never wanted to take my own life or anything like that.
It's always been worth living. But as those shows are airing,
you're more and more in the public eye. People are
getting to know you intimately. Yeah, and that was that
was the different part of reality TV than just being
a sportsman. Being a sportsman, people think don't they know you,
(15:41):
but being a reality TV star, like they really really
feel like they know you and so and the two.
It was a tough combination to deal with. But I've
played the best basketball in my career. When I was
married to Chloe, I won six minute a year ward
m took a great deal of concentration, um and commitment
(16:03):
to do that. I think that was like I lost
my prouder sports moment. I always admired the sixth Man
because it meant that you could be selfless, you come
off the bench and be better than the people start
the game. That's right. I didn't. I didn't start every
game that year, but I finished them. Yeah, you finished them.
So when when when you're going again? In the honesty
(16:26):
in the book, you've talked about the fact that you've
had sexual intercourse with two thousand works. That was being artististic,
but it was a thousand hundred. I don't I don't know.
I don't you know. I have a daughter um that
I respect, and women in my life that I respect.
(16:47):
I don't. I wouldn't want to disrespect then. But I
was just trying to bring the life to the book
or letting people know, let them see through life through
my eyes. Well, you you were honest the fact that
were addicted the sex. I think when someone says they've
had intimacy that many times, it's not about being in
love with that many women. It's about that something that
some unfulfilled need you have, just like with drugs. So
(17:09):
I'm just curious how that gets translated in recovery, which
is where you are now. When you if you're talking
to Chloe or other folks that you've you know, in
this case very specifically being unfaithful to her, how do
you cross that barrier to two? It becomes the healing
experience as opposed to the darkness that you were in before.
(17:30):
How do you bring light to it? To this? To this?
I think we really like really made me go hard
with my sexual um addiction was because when I've when
I thought of cocaine, thought of having sex, so they
came hand to hand. Yeah, and I'm not doing cocaine anymore.
(17:54):
So a lot of the addictions that are just like
staring and slip away, you know, the triggers go yeah,
so yeah, that's what they were triggers for each other.
So taking back if you can, to that faithful day
that you when you nearly died. I remember I was
on the set and I heard the story of what happened,
and like many I'd heard rumors here and there, but
(18:15):
it just it just didn't seem believable. Yeah, so you're
you're in this brothel, Um, You're in Vegas and you're
doing cocaine. I didn't do cocaine all and a lot
of people they don't know that. But when you have
the um a history and I tell people that, they're like, okay, whatever,
(18:38):
But I don't know what they you know, we're able
to do to me or anything. But it almost worked.
But I'm just living testimomony testimony. There is a god.
But what what? What? What happened that that? How did
you know I would sleep? The next thing? I know?
I woke up? Honest with you, you just passed out. Yeah,
I couldn't. When I woke up, I couldn't walk and
(18:59):
couldn't talk. Scary, So again, as a doctor, from what
I can tell, it looked like, first of all, you
shouldn't be here, right, I mean, there is no way
you should be sitting across from me lucidly describing your recovery.
You had a bunch of strokes, small ones. So how
(19:19):
do you how do you put all the pieces together
in your own mind? You have no recall of any
of this. No, No, I was sleep. You know, you're
a doctor. You know what being a coma is. No,
you missed the fun, Yeah, I missed it. I missed it,
but maybe Well, the reason why I'm here is to
let people know. Why do you call that day rock bottom?
(19:40):
I mean, obviously you almost died. I get that, But
why why that day in particular? But the other warning
days before that? With your thoughts? I can't keep doing this.
I mean, well, there was days where you know, your
heart being too fast, man, you can't sleep, and you
know what I'm saying, You realize like, damn, why do
(20:00):
I do that? And of course the effects of cocaine
the next day it is harsh, um, But I mean
rock bottom, was that whatever I was hiding now it
was exposed or people are gonna whatever I was trying
to hide as exposed because people thought I was, you know,
(20:21):
doing drugs that this damn brothel. Um, there's the bad
situation man. Why why did you go to the Bunny
Ranch that day? You know? It's funny because I remember
actually watching the Bunny Ranch on HBO. Yeah, and it's
it's it's funny. Don't you even bring that up? I
(20:42):
remember watching it with my ex wife. Did I wind
up going there? Is that? Why you went there? Because
you've seen it? Yeah? I seen it on TV seen
x BO it's nice. What were you curious? What? What? What? What? What?
What made you want to trink to see what the
inside of us? I thought you've already seen on television
just being a freak and every which way to work
(21:07):
looking forward, and that me and Chloe were going through
it at that time when she was trying to him
make the divorce final and everything. So I wasn't in
a good place, good headspace mentally. It's a great time
for soon to take advantage of me. So what do
you think happened? I don't have no idea. I have
(21:28):
no idea. I have no idea. I don't know how
they got it into my system or what. But whatever
it was, you know, I think about it all the time.
It's like sometimes I think like, why did he pick
me to do it too? Or you know, I'm like,
(21:50):
what would he get out of harm? And me? Who's he?
The guy that that worked money ranged in his high
got It's hard for me to even understand that. But
if I'm not mistaken, I think he passed away in
the same room I overdosing. I know it passed through.
I didn't know it was the same room. I heard
it was the same room. Did you ever ask him,
(22:11):
noting it to ask him. I didn't get too I
didn't get to see him. But you know he has
a family. I don't. I wouldn't want to expect his
legacy or his memory. There's lots more. Will we come
back so you don't remember passing out, You're ending up
(22:34):
at the hospital. Your whole family is running over to
try to manage you. Were you were you when you awakened.
Then you realize that Chloe's around you and your kids
are you know, how did that affect you? Well? Um,
I think the part that Chloe Knight was there because
at that point in time of a relationship, you know,
me me being found in at a brothel, I would
(22:58):
think that would have give her old energy to be
like keep him away from me, just stay away from me.
But but not not just because of that, but because
she was there and bringing me the pictures of my
mother to help get my memory back, making sure I
had the best in physical therapy, making sure I was
(23:20):
doing the I had the best doctors to get my
speech back and talk. I mean, that was that was amazing.
She's like she's an angel, lets me know that God
is real. You still love her hm. You're never gonna
lose love for someone that you marry after thirty days,
you know what I mean that that I'll never go anywhere.
(23:45):
So the injuries that you sustained that Chloe and others
helped you get past seemed to have recovered quite a bit.
Just okay. I mean that's why I'm like doing all
these things for the mental health and kind of mean
did it work? I think so just helped me open up.
(24:07):
Did you give a care to me for depression or
puttramatic stress disorder? I do it for everything, take more
than um. Uh, what's the experience like when they give
you cared to me? Because it just got f the
approved first. Yeah. Well when I was the first time
I did it, cared to me? Busness crazy? Was um
(24:27):
film the documentary on Academy m hm um. The first
time I did it, that was like I went to heaven.
I just felt all this, Oh well, I'm a love
and emotion and then you know you're hallucinating. I've always
(24:49):
been against doing drugs intravenously, you know, because of my
father's history. But you know, if I could take this
intravenous medicine and it can help clear my depression or
anxiety and just make me better. Hope, open my third eye.
(25:11):
Then I'll do it every days. You have two things
are really cool. The first is the third eye. What
do you know about the third eye? I just know
it makes you better explain to everybody at home. Well,
I mean if you can see things for what they
truly are and the good, the bad, and ugly and
learn from him, then why not use it? And I
(25:33):
think a lot of people are like scared to tap
into it because a lot of us is like scared
of greatness or scared to UM understand how great we
can be, how much UM potentially that we each have,
that we all have we think that support. Were you
(25:54):
scared of greatness for a long time, a long time? Yeah? Yeah,
hopefully this this book is UM not the first step
but not the not the first and the last step
the greatness. So let me go back to the first
time they offered ketamine to what was the situation? What
was going on that they said, Hey, listen with you
(26:15):
know I have I have UM this this this this
friend whoever started the CBD company with He's from from Utah. UM.
He was especially person to me. He came into my life,
and he just knew what I was going through. He said, Lamar,
I got to some this plant medicine, Dusty, try I
can't click um ketamine what I'm not really into into
(26:38):
sticking needles in my own And I tried it and
it started to work immediately. Oh he gave me the Yeah. No,
he didn't give it. He didn't personally give it to me.
But of course we've got with doctors and and did
the kademine in Utah. And how often are you taking
care ofmine now? Um, the last four or five months,
(26:59):
I probably took it like four or five times. It's cool.
And what do you think about folks listening right now
who might be actually depressed or in recovery or having
issues with post traumatic stresses sort of? That's returning back
trying kedemy will be open up, open up your heart
in your mind to getting better. It's not easy and
(27:20):
it ain't gonna just come to you, ain't gonna just
fall in your lap. You gotta go out and search
for it. When you walk down that hospital alive, were
you already in recovery or was that just the very
beginning to wake up calling You couldn't even process it
I'm couldn't process and I don't know, I don't know
(27:43):
what was at you know, there's some things that I'm
still trying to um process and I think the Kedemy
just when I can say it could open you up
with I had a problem with being empathetic. You did. Yeah,
I don't know where that, where that came from, was
(28:05):
just I've always been a people person, but I just
always had a problem of showing empathy, because you seem
pretty empathetic to me. Yeah, we're talking about the book.
Do you feel like you're fully recovered from the injuries
you sustained at the Bunny Ranch? Yeah? Yeah, yeah, they
(28:27):
should have shared. I'll leave it alone, but I feel
like I fully recovered. All right, You're still working on
on the big question we all face in our lives.
Who are we really? Who is lamar? Well? You know what,
I'll be forty um November six, and I can still
(28:50):
I can honestly say I'm still learning about learning a
little bit about myself every day. But my grandmother told
me when you stopped learning is when you stopped living.
So I'm living song for ever, learning about myself, about
everything around me every day. You've got your wise grandmother. Listen,
I really really enjoyed meeting with you. Treasure your honesty.
(29:11):
I think you're gonna change a lot of lives. You
can hear lots more about Lamar and his fantastic memoir
Darkness to Life's got a handsome picture on it. Thanks
bless you. Thanks not
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