November 22, 2024 • 44 mins
Amy and T.J. go down a list of things to stop putting your energy in to. From worrying about others opinions to living with past mistakes, they discuss the hardships associated with letting go of what you cannot control.
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Welcome everyone to this episode of Amy MTJ. And we
are talking about something on this episode that I think
a lot of you listeners will relate to, and it's
certainly something I have struggled with for most of my life,
but I'm hopefully getting better, and that is about learning
how to let go of control. We're always all of
(00:25):
us in our minds trying to control every little part
of our day that we actually have.
Speaker 2 (00:30):
No control over.
Speaker 1 (00:31):
But somehow we feel safe if we think we're controlling things,
But what we're actually doing is making ourselves crazy. So
much of the day and so much of our energy
is wasted on trying to make other people do things
we want them to do, or for situations to be
(00:51):
different than what they are.
Speaker 2 (00:52):
And I have worked and.
Speaker 1 (00:55):
Will continue to work on trying to just accept what
is right and the only thing we can control is
how we respond, and that is intellectually very simple to understand,
but putting that into practice is a whole other set
of problems. DJ, how are you on not wasting your
(01:15):
energy trying to control things that you can't control.
Speaker 3 (01:19):
Oh no, I'm I'm in I'm in full control of
everything going around on around me.
Speaker 2 (01:23):
Full control like on the subway today.
Speaker 3 (01:25):
Total control. Yeah, I was in control of this podcast
even and said you needed to start it. Total control.
I'm in control of everything that's around you.
Speaker 2 (01:34):
That's amazing like that.
Speaker 3 (01:35):
Yeah, total control?
Speaker 2 (01:36):
Yeah, total what's what's your delusional life?
Speaker 1 (01:38):
Like?
Speaker 3 (01:39):
Delusional? Oh no, no, no, no no no no no no no,
it's here's the thing. I actually you know this. I
have a tattoo on my right arm that it's one
of my favorite and the simplest. That might be the
quickest that I've of all my tattoos that I ever
had done, and it simply says surrender. And I struggle
in moments sometimes and you just the way you end
(02:00):
up feeling when you're stressed, Oh God, a good day,
da da day, And once you just say the hell
with it is gonna be what it's gonna be. Wow,
it's amazing. Yes, how life and joy and the weight
is lifted. And it is hard to put in practice,
but with a little training, and yes, I too have
gotten better at that.
Speaker 2 (02:19):
I have been obsessed with a podcaster.
Speaker 1 (02:23):
Many of you may know who she is, and she's
an author, but she's got a book coming out. But
I'm talking about Mel Robbins, and she has put this
theory in my head and she's writing a book about it,
and it's called let Them. And so when I get
frustrated or I want things to be different, or I
want someone to do something differently, or to respond to
me in a different way, or to say something that
they haven't said, I just say let them. And if
(02:45):
you just say those two words, all of a sudden
you realize I'm acknowledging that I don't have control right now,
and acknowledging that. It's amazing how your whole body will
just relax because you really lies, there's nothing you can
do to change it, and the only person you're hurting
(03:06):
is yourself. Right you get all stressed out, I'll get
a headache, I'll feel just my heart will start just
beating quickly. You know, all those feelings of just stress.
Stress is being out of control?
Speaker 3 (03:21):
How do you think I handle that? What you're describing there?
And again I said I can speak on me, but
I'm saying for an observer. I guess this would be
an accurate I'm more honest for the listener at least.
How do you think ideal in what you are describing?
How would you say, I am and trying to control
things around me.
Speaker 1 (03:41):
You get very in your head, you get very quiet,
you pace, you get antsy, you start cleaning, and you
start saying to yourself, I believe this is my observation.
I can't control anything that's happening right now, and I'm
really frustrated by it.
Speaker 2 (03:57):
So I'm gonna do what I can control, which is
to clean.
Speaker 1 (04:01):
And I get that because I have that tendency as well.
But you I've never actually seen it in a man,
which I appreciate.
Speaker 3 (04:11):
Laughter from the room. Why is that a thing? What
the way? Whoa what is that? I can't.
Speaker 1 (04:17):
Most men will like, I don't know, go do something else.
I would think, like go jump in their car and
drive off, or you know, I don't know, chop some wood,
you clean wood?
Speaker 3 (04:30):
Sorry, I left my axe in my other apartment. What
are you talking about?
Speaker 2 (04:37):
I know, but I related to you on that. But
I actually know.
Speaker 1 (04:40):
When I see you start going into like you've got
the scrubber and the soft scrub and you are like
in the tub like scrubbing, I'm like.
Speaker 2 (04:47):
Oh he is, oh shit is just right now. He's
working through it.
Speaker 4 (04:53):
He's working through it.
Speaker 3 (04:55):
That's how you He's got the index and the soft
scrub out. You better this guy.
Speaker 1 (05:00):
Oh no, the.
Speaker 2 (05:00):
Vacuum cleaner's coming out.
Speaker 1 (05:01):
Oh no, But I know when you feel out of control,
that's what you do.
Speaker 2 (05:05):
What about me? What do you see me doing? Spiral?
Speaker 3 (05:09):
You spiral when things aren't going. Oh my goodness, Grace's sweetheart.
You say it, and this drives me, It doesn't dry me.
It's fascinating to see. And I've done this to you
a bunch of times. I have used your tutelage that
you've given me to survive some of the worst moments
of my life the past five years or so, I
(05:32):
use them against you. I actually say, hey, sweetheart, you
need to settle, you need to center. Nothing you can
do about it. It's fine, It's gonna be okay, sweetheart.
We still got the whole deck. Don't ruin. I have
given you so many of those things, throwing them right
back on your face, and I've seen you go you
completely adjust. Just a little reminder, it's so hard to
do it ourselves, to implement those things that we know
(05:55):
are the right thing to do. And certainly in the moment,
you have taught me that, and I have been working
tirelessly for years on that thing.
Speaker 1 (06:02):
It's interesting you you have and it does work when
I am reminded. I know what the right thing to
do is or the right way to respond is. And
sometimes I just if you just say, ropes, this is
nothing like. This is a drop in the bucket, you know,
and just a little bit of perspective and I and
I can switch it back off and go. You know what,
you're right When you're cleaning and you're in that headspace,
(06:26):
I don't know what to say to you because I
don't want to make it worse.
Speaker 3 (06:30):
You're supposed to say, come here, baby.
Speaker 2 (06:34):
Well I do always try to. You know, it's stopping.
Speaker 1 (06:39):
Right when you're when you're in your in your cleaning frenzy.
I don't think so no, but no, But what would
you want to hear in that moment?
Speaker 2 (06:46):
Nothing? Do you want space? I feel like you want
space in those moments.
Speaker 3 (06:49):
I don't want space. You know what I absolutely don't want.
And you know what's about to come out of my mouth.
I don't want to have to educate someone on how
to comfort me in a moment of frustration and pain.
And that's very difficult to do. And I know that's
on me, but.
Speaker 2 (07:05):
Everyone's different, so it's hard to know.
Speaker 3 (07:07):
But you know me better than anybody.
Speaker 2 (07:10):
I don't know the answer to that thought.
Speaker 3 (07:11):
Well that's the sweetheart. We we have a much bigger
examination of this relationship to do. Wow, I'm just kidding,
baby Jesus. Everybody got It's true.
Speaker 1 (07:22):
Though, because I said I help, you're like, I don't
want to have to tell you how to help me.
Speaker 2 (07:26):
But I actually haven't figured that out yet.
Speaker 3 (07:28):
You haven't after all this time.
Speaker 1 (07:30):
And I think what I've what I think you because
everyone's different, but I think you need a little space.
Speaker 2 (07:36):
I think you need a little.
Speaker 1 (07:37):
Space and I trust, like I'm trusting you that you've
got this. If there's anything that I could do to help,
I would, but I think it would just feel maybe
even patronizing to you.
Speaker 3 (07:49):
That's on me as well, because I am somebody who
sits in this this seat of well, if it's going
to get done, I have to do it. I don't
depend on anybody. That's a problem. I know this is me,
but that is something I am not good at at all.
Is expecting help.
Speaker 2 (08:08):
What about receiving help?
Speaker 3 (08:10):
Okay, fine, but I don't ever when I'm cleaning or whatever,
and you're wondering how to help me. I don't have
an expectation that I'm going to get help, that I'm
going to get any lifeline to get out of what
I am, of the place I'm in. I don't. I
just and you know that, and that's not a good
way to be. I know that as well. But I
am that I do struggle, and that's why sometimes something
(08:33):
goes on. It takes TJ. He needs forty eight hours
to be okay, have gotten better at that. We got
it down to maybe forty two hours.
Speaker 2 (08:40):
I thought it was like twenty four hours.
Speaker 3 (08:41):
Okay, we'll get better, even better. But yeah, I don't
know how to get out of that. So back to
we were talking, you're the wasting of the energy to
try to control things. I would say you waste more
energy than I do trying to control things.
Speaker 1 (08:59):
I might I would say that I waste more energy,
maybe more explosive energy in the moment.
Speaker 2 (09:05):
You might waste more.
Speaker 3 (09:06):
Time explosive energy.
Speaker 1 (09:09):
Like I feel like it's more like all at once
and then I'm over it. Like where I'm frustrated, you
will like seethe.
Speaker 2 (09:17):
For like a while.
Speaker 3 (09:18):
I don't seethe, sweetheart, come on now. Seething is a
strong quiet.
Speaker 1 (09:22):
Seething, a quiet seaton when you go when you withdraw, Okay,
that is so, I won't call it seizing.
Speaker 3 (09:29):
I do that.
Speaker 1 (09:29):
But when you're out of control, or you feel like
you can't control things that are happening that you're frustrated by,
you withdraw, Okay, but you.
Speaker 3 (09:36):
Go full teddy swams and set the bed on fire
and is short lived. No, yeah, but the bed is
on fire? Is the thing like, ah, yeah, it's a
it's a it's a four long fire. But I'm a
dump some water in here. And if that's not how
I roll yours is? It is explosive? Yes, you do,
and I'm impressed you get over it. I really really quickly.
Speaker 2 (09:58):
Because I get it out.
Speaker 3 (10:00):
Yeah, in explosive ways, Andy, is what she's saying here.
But can you please Andy, help us with this. You
have several I think you have ten on this list
of ways people? Can you explained what the list is? Again,
we've been talking here so long I forgot what it was.
Speaker 4 (10:15):
This list comes from Bold. It's a list of what
you're wasting your energy on and uh, not being able
to control these things.
Speaker 3 (10:22):
We just weighs a lot of energy even talking about.
Speaker 1 (10:25):
Well, I'm hoping that people listening can relate either to
me or to you. But because I do think we
all have failures when it comes to this.
Speaker 4 (10:32):
Oh yeah, I'm terrible with all these things. There's ten
of them, and I'm bad at all ten. So number
one is holding onto your past mistakes.
Speaker 1 (10:40):
Yeah, yeah, that's actually been a really tough thing for me,
and I've been really working hard on forgiving myself and
letting it go and just learning from them.
Speaker 3 (10:54):
Uh, that's a tough one for me. I don't think,
and again I ask for your help on this. I
don't think I hold on to past mistakes a lot.
I have to get passed and move Really, it's a
again the training, I to call it training, but you
know what I mean. I'm just kind of been working
on getting better at a bunch of things. But the
(11:14):
idea that I'm holding myself like, I'm always feeling as
if I'm a you know, too often I've listened to
others about who I am. I listen to other people
define me, and I'm thinking, well, maybe I am that,
Maybe I am, and nobody knows me better than me.
So why am I listening to anybody else or that
idea of holding on to something in my past. I
(11:37):
screwed up. I screwed up a bunch and I know that,
but I try. I don't think I do a terrible
job and hold on to a lot of that stuff.
Speaker 2 (11:46):
I don't think as a mother, I do.
Speaker 1 (11:48):
I get a lot of guilt in my head about
how I could have done better, and I'm working on
not feeling guilty about past mistakes.
Speaker 3 (11:58):
Okay, you have two wonderful kids. One of them is
about to graduate from NYU. The other one was studying
abroad in Spain before she goes to Boulder with great grades.
So I don't, Yeah, you need to work on your mother.
What's the number two?
Speaker 4 (12:13):
Number two is saying yes to everyone but yourself.
Speaker 1 (12:19):
I've gotten way better at this, but I have been
terrible at that for a long time.
Speaker 3 (12:24):
I've been good at this forever. I mean, I just
there is no that's you know, that's one of my things.
Speaker 2 (12:30):
I just no, You've always been good at saying no.
Speaker 3 (12:34):
Yeah, I just I have no problem. I don't owe
anybody anything. I am forty seven years old.
Speaker 2 (12:39):
Now have you always been like that?
Speaker 3 (12:40):
I think I might have what's the thing in Your
success in life is based on what In your twenties,
your success is based on things you say yes yes too.
And then in your thirties and forties, your success is
based on things you say no to. And I have
been very comfortable in that space for a long time,
not even stressed. Don't have an expectator like I don't
oh you anything. You have to say no. If we didn't,
(13:04):
so heart, we would be even more exhausted than we are.
Speaker 2 (13:06):
Yeah, that's true, all right.
Speaker 4 (13:09):
Number three is dwelling on the what ifs.
Speaker 1 (13:13):
So yes, this has been a lot of work on
my and I always look back and say, don't say
what if, and don't say if only, and don't say
should have, could have, would have. Those are all very
damaging things to say to yourself because you can't undo
what happened. You can't change what happened. And maybe all
(13:35):
of those things happened because you needed.
Speaker 2 (13:37):
To learn something.
Speaker 1 (13:38):
So that's where I always go in my head. If
I start saying what if, if only, I say, wait
a minute, what did I learn? And that is my
way out of that crazy headspace.
Speaker 3 (13:48):
My only two things I've said, what if about I'm
not a regret guy, but two regrets or two what
ifs that I struggle with one? What if I continued
playing football? That sounds crazy, but in junior high I
was a better football player than a basketball player. But
I was able to go on in basketball and get
some scholarship offers and even dabbled in basketball at the
(14:11):
University of Arkansas. I was a pretty good basketball player.
I always wondered, what if I stuck with football? What
if I but I broke my ankle and you know me,
I'm out. That's the wrap. Ninth grade broke my ankle,
true story, broke my ankle done, I'm over, no more football.
The other thing, you know, sweetheart? The what if? There
is one? What if? That? Still maybe once a week
(14:34):
comes to mind. Wow, what if I had announced to
the public in August of twenty twenty two that I
was getting a divorce. What if I went ahead and
told everybody in August of twenty twenty two that I
was no longer in a relationship, in a marriage, just
(14:56):
put that out there, and then in August of twenty two,
I didn't know I was gonna end up in a
relationship with you, so then months later I did, and
people would have found out. It wouldn't have been startling.
It would have been something that the tabloids could try
to exploit and take advantage of. It wasn't have been
an issue where the people who then you know, did
intentionally put that out to make it sound bad. They
(15:18):
wouldn't have had that option. So I that is my
one if that. I still struggle with, what if? Where?
How life would have been different if I'd have put
it out that I was divorced and this never wouldn't
have been something that a tabloid and the people who
told the tabloid were able to exploit. That is when
I still struggle with.
Speaker 1 (15:37):
I get that, and I think the lesson learned from
that that I have learned and you have learned the
hard way is transparency is key to communication and to understanding.
And you can get into a mindset of thinking that
you don't owe anybody anything, but that's where confusion takes place.
Speaker 2 (15:58):
And if you don't speak, some one's going to speak
for you.
Speaker 1 (16:01):
And so those are lessons that I think we both
learned during that time. So what if is good in
a reflective way if you can learn how to act
differently in the future.
Speaker 3 (16:13):
So, folks, we are giving you ways to try to
stop wasting your energy to control certain things in your life.
We will continue with that list in just a moment,
but before we go, give us a little tease here, Andy,
what's coming up on this list. We've only gone through three.
We have several more to go, So going into the break, here,
give us a little tease of what we can expect.
Speaker 4 (16:33):
Oh, next break, you're going to hear about the fear
of failing, maybe overthinking a couple of decisions, and the
fear of judgment.
Speaker 3 (16:39):
All right, there you have it, folks, will be right back.
Speaker 2 (16:50):
Welcome back everyone.
Speaker 1 (16:51):
We are talking about something that I believe all of
us can relate to, trying to control things that we
cannot actually control, and wasting so much energy, so much emotion,
so much time on things that we actually can't change.
So we are working our way down a list which
(17:14):
is fantastic in terms of finding ways to do better
and to be better.
Speaker 2 (17:17):
Andy, where are we were at number four?
Speaker 3 (17:19):
Number four?
Speaker 4 (17:20):
And one thing to stop wasting your energy on is
the fear of failing.
Speaker 1 (17:25):
Oh, I so so agree with this. I actually haven't
had this problem. I have failed many many times. And
I whether it's running a marathon or climbing a mountain
and not getting to the top, or going out and saying, hey,
I want to be this in life and just setting
expectations for myself that might be far and above what's possible,
(17:48):
but knowing that if I don't set them there, I
won't get anywhere near. So I have failed so many
times in my life, starting falling off of off the
beam when I was a gymnast and getting back on
it and doing it anyway.
Speaker 2 (17:59):
Yeah, that's when you learn, that's when you grow. Failure
is a huge part of success for me.
Speaker 3 (18:07):
I actually kind of remember whose quote this was, but
this is one I have. I picked this up very
early in life. But the idea is most people fail
because they didn't realize how close they were to success
when they decided to quit. And so that's it doesn't
matter if it's not going well. If it's not going
(18:27):
tomorrow might be the day. Right, six people turned us
down for this. Tomorrow is going to be the seventh.
We have a meeting, and that's going to be the one.
So that this is one you have to You cannot
be afraid to fail. If you do, what's the point.
What's the point of just being a valedictorian and following rules?
And I use that example. There are studies out there
(18:49):
that show valedictorians do fine in life, but they don't
break any rules, they don't do anything different. They can
handle a task. But the wildly successful people are the
ones willing to take a risk, willing to fail, willing
to take all these chances. And so that's not one
I necessarily think I struggle with.
Speaker 2 (19:04):
Yeah, same, I struggled with a lot of other.
Speaker 1 (19:06):
Things though, as you've made clear, and I failed a
lot and I'm still here all right.
Speaker 4 (19:12):
Number five is clinging to your comfort zones.
Speaker 3 (19:15):
Hm hm, oh you know what this I am thinking
career here, right, we were in jobs that we would
never have left in all likelihood because it was what
very comfortable, comfortable, It was safe, dare I say even
it was it was easy to a certain degree relatively speaking.
We knew how to do that thing and we were
(19:38):
very comfortable where we were. So that's a that's a
tough one. You cling to a comfort zone. I think
in relationships oftentimes.
Speaker 2 (19:45):
I was going to say the same thing and cling too.
Speaker 3 (19:47):
Well, this is okay, and this is going to be
messy if I go anything else, and the kids are
going to be I think we have a tendency to
do that.
Speaker 1 (19:54):
So it's funny because I used to say this and
then I guess I've lived it. I never want to
be wait, I never I never want to get comfortable.
I always want to relish being uncomfortable because that means
(20:14):
I'm pushing myself into something that either I think I
can't do or I shouldn't do. But it's pushing me
into growth. And so I never wanted to get comfortable.
I always said that, and it I actually get scared.
Speaker 2 (20:27):
When I get comfortable. I actually get nervous when.
Speaker 1 (20:29):
I get comfortable. Relationship, No, I'm not comfortable yet.
Speaker 3 (20:33):
Good. I want to keep you on your tails growing.
Speaker 1 (20:35):
I'm not comfortable, and I think that it's that offers
you a daily challenge to do better, to be better,
and to see where I can take you.
Speaker 2 (20:44):
But yeah, you disagree.
Speaker 3 (20:46):
We'll discuss it later, Okay, Well.
Speaker 2 (20:49):
Yeah, no, I actually I actually.
Speaker 1 (20:51):
Think that that I maybe even enjoy being uncomfortable, and
it might explain a lot of my life to people
who are confused by it.
Speaker 3 (21:00):
But that's a good way to be and a lot
of people, and I think it's okay. Some aren't. I'm
not built that way, I say. I. I mean some
people can say that about themselves. They're not built in
such a way that they can be uncomfortable to take
a chance. And people have reasons to say no, I
need to keep this very steady job with this these benefits.
And I think that's okay. These people are different in
that way. There are that's that's those a chance and
(21:22):
that's a risk, and this I understand people being risk averrs.
Speaker 2 (21:25):
Oh I do too.
Speaker 1 (21:26):
I just yes, and I think that in some ways
being willing to yes, run a marathon, train for a marathon,
have all these uncomfortable things happened.
Speaker 2 (21:35):
To you, and doing it anyway and maybe even.
Speaker 1 (21:38):
Having a hard time explaining to other people why you
still do it.
Speaker 2 (21:41):
But I was born that way. I definitely was.
Speaker 4 (21:45):
Do you think there's a point that you could push
yourself too far?
Speaker 3 (21:47):
Though I haven't found it yet, but that answer has
to be yes. Yeah. I think we've gotten close to it,
and we discussed it a lot because I've I think
what we said in a previous podcast. I said to
you in the bedroom not longer. I remember where I
was as a sweetheart. I am going to drop dead
because it's too much going on. I'm not sleeping enough.
(22:10):
I've just worn the hell out. So I think, yeah,
you can push yourself too much, you can go too far.
You can I am finally for the first time in
my life. We talked about this with the marathon. For
the first time in my life. My body is not
letting me physically do something with his achilles and now
a footprint. I got all kinds of issues. What's that
(22:30):
from trying to run? Trying to run two marathons on
a bum achilles. I planned that I could have skipped
one of them. At least that's too much. We get
up at a two three in the morning and going
all day hard. That's too much.
Speaker 2 (22:46):
I think. When it's too much, your body tells you.
Speaker 1 (22:50):
And I've certainly had enough things happen physically to me
where I have had to acknowledge that I was pushing
myself too hard. But for me, it does take something
busy typically to make me stop or or rethink how
I'm approaching things, from crippling migrain headaches to having had
to have heart surgery to having breast answer. I mean,
(23:13):
I have definitely had some physical wake up calls where
I know I've pushed myself too far and I have
to reassess and take.
Speaker 2 (23:20):
Care of myself.
Speaker 1 (23:21):
But it hasn't stopped me being willing to be uncomfortable.
It's just it's it's put the brakes on certain ways
of living, and a lot.
Speaker 2 (23:30):
Of it has been about balance. So balance is important,
and I think for me, I've had to learn it
the hard way.
Speaker 3 (23:37):
What are we up to know?
Speaker 4 (23:39):
We're on number six and number six is comparing yourself
to others.
Speaker 3 (23:42):
Ooh, that is what anybody on Instagram you need to
listen to that one.
Speaker 2 (23:46):
Yeah, I've gotten way better at that.
Speaker 3 (23:48):
Oh my goodness, gracious, that's a tough one.
Speaker 2 (23:51):
Younger. When I was younger, it was.
Speaker 1 (23:54):
It was crippling, absolutely and thank god I didn't have
social media, but the young when I was younger, oh,
that was probably one of the most difficult things to
not do. It's just I think it's a natural thing
to do. And I don't know if women are more
likely to do it than men. I can't speak for men,
but I know that that's something that I've talked about
(24:15):
with my daughters, and I've been really proud of them
for being unique individuals. I think that's something to be celebrated,
and I think people talk about it more now.
Speaker 2 (24:22):
But yeah, social media, that's.
Speaker 1 (24:25):
A really really tough place to be if you have
a problem, or you know that's one of your issues,
that you're just constantly comparing yourself to other people.
Speaker 3 (24:35):
Yeah, that's it. I don't. That's not something I do
a lot of. But the one way I do do
it is oftentimes, throughout my career, I'm twenty five and
I look at another twenty five year old, I'm like, oh,
they're there. Wow? Am I not there yet? I'm thirty
and they're thirty. I'm like, oh, wow, they have that
much success. Why haven't I? And at every stage of
my life, I usually compare myself to Kobe Bryant because
(24:56):
Coby and I.
Speaker 2 (24:57):
A so you were just in a constant state of depression.
Speaker 3 (24:59):
No, no, no, uh. You know what I'm saying is that
that kid. I watched him and you probably don't remember
this because but his first couple of game like playoff games,
he was seventeen eighteen years old. He and I were
about the same age, and he shot air balls. It
was embarrassing right in this game, but he kept shooting,
He kept shooting. And I'm looking at this guy, this
(25:21):
kid on this stage about the same age. You know,
who else is I compare myself to Usher? Now I
know this sounds crazy, wow, but because these guys are
about the same age and this is the time, I'm
still in high school, I'm nothing, I'm not even starting
my career. But I'm looking at these guys as contemporaries
in some way to where wow, they have that level
of success at that age. They are doing this on
the world stage and being cheered at that age, What
(25:43):
am I doing? What can I be doing? Where should
I be going? And it was a motivating thing. I
know that sounds insane, but those two guys who I
later got to be around, got to spend time with,
got to interview. Those were guys I looked at and
always tried to compare time lines too, because we were
all seventeen eighteen at the same time. That is where
(26:08):
that question of comparison and other people's success has been
a part. And it took until I was probably thirty
or so to realize, oh wait, And I started to
see people who were twenty two when I was comparing
myself with it. Now I'm way ahead of at thirty,
and even farther ahead of when I'm thirty five and
blowing them out of the water at four. Right, So
that took a while to actually come around to. So
(26:31):
I get what you're saying. You're being funny, that like
being priced, you're comparing yourself.
Speaker 2 (26:34):
But no, it was motivating.
Speaker 3 (26:36):
It was I always looked at those guys because we
were the same age.
Speaker 2 (26:38):
You weren't jealous, you were motivated.
Speaker 3 (26:40):
I was, and so I was comparing myself to them.
So maybe that was Maybe those guys are responsible for
me working and busting my butt as well as I
did to get to a place of pretty good success.
Speaker 4 (26:52):
Yeah, and do you think it's harder for younger people?
Having daughters yourself who were younger, do you think it's
harder nowadays to not compare yourself to others?
Speaker 1 (27:01):
Oh?
Speaker 2 (27:01):
Yes, for sure.
Speaker 1 (27:02):
I didn't have visuals of other people, my friends or
people who I'm a contemporary with. And of course everyone
usually just puts out the best and the brightest pictures
and images on Instagram, so you're having a false impression
of what their life is like, and then you're comparing
it to whatever you're going through.
Speaker 2 (27:18):
Oh, it's it's almost inescapable.
Speaker 1 (27:21):
And I think you have to acknowledge it and say,
I am going to choose not to do this because
it's it's a human experience. I think to do that
and then to have it constantly at your fingertips on
your phone is it could be absolutely detrimental.
Speaker 3 (27:35):
And obviously those people on Instagram, they took what twenty
takes and how many filters it takes them two hours
to put out one picture that you think is just natural. Yeah,
it's just it's a farce. Yeah, it's an absolute farce. Okay.
Speaker 4 (27:49):
So number seven is overthinking every decision.
Speaker 1 (27:54):
I don't do that, and probably should. I should probably
overthink it more or overthink it beforehand. But I am
a I'm somebody who definitely makes quick decisions and then
I I think I'm okay with accepting the consequences.
Speaker 3 (28:10):
You know me the opposite, I think, think, think, think, overthink,
and then I am so once the decision is made,
I'm good.
Speaker 4 (28:18):
Yeah, on the opposite, but I will overthink.
Speaker 3 (28:20):
After the decision is done, then I will I have
no I feel so confident in the decision. Once the
decision is made, I.
Speaker 4 (28:28):
Both hate and love this next one.
Speaker 3 (28:30):
Number hate And it sounded like he was judging our life. No,
feel right? Right?
Speaker 1 (28:35):
Right?
Speaker 3 (28:35):
I feel right.
Speaker 4 (28:35):
I'm more of an amy definitely not in the situation.
I'm like, that's what that was way to put it.
Speaker 1 (28:40):
He drives me crazy with how much time it takes
him to make a decision sometimes, but he does I do.
Speaker 2 (28:45):
I will say I have seen the value in it.
Speaker 3 (28:48):
Well, babe, is it time or is it?
Speaker 1 (28:50):
Like?
Speaker 3 (28:50):
Wow, dude, are you really going that deep? Because I
can make a decision in ten minutes, but I will
take it down and deep and like, do why are
we even you?
Speaker 2 (28:59):
It's time for me?
Speaker 4 (29:00):
I'm impatient ten minutes or too much?
Speaker 1 (29:03):
Oh No, I'm talking about like deciding where we're gonna go,
like for vacations, and it can take weeks or an airbnb.
Speaker 2 (29:10):
Take weeks, it can take days. I can make a
decision in minutes.
Speaker 3 (29:13):
Okay, wait a minute. You just say you went from
weeks today. Do you see what I'm talking about.
Speaker 2 (29:17):
Well, it depends on the time what we're doing. No,
I mean it has taken weeks.
Speaker 3 (29:20):
You can take it. You can make a decision in what.
Speaker 1 (29:22):
Minutes and I might regret it about where I'm going.
I could book a plane, I could book a hotel room.
I could book a vacation in under ten minutes and
feel good about it.
Speaker 3 (29:34):
And then once we get here or there and the steps,
you're like, oh god, I didn't realize we're not sitting
together on this flight. Oh my god, I cannot believe
the hotel is in this neighborhood. Oh my god, we
have to fly into where. That's what happens. That doesn't
happen with my planning. Okay, your silence speaks volumes.
Speaker 2 (30:00):
I'm I stand.
Speaker 1 (30:01):
I've loved all of my vacations.
Speaker 4 (30:03):
You number eight is waiting for someone else to change.
Speaker 3 (30:18):
Yeah, I suck at that still waiting.
Speaker 2 (30:22):
Oh well, so.
Speaker 1 (30:24):
That is absolutely wasted energy, because yes, you do that.
I have done it in the past, and it doesn't
ever ever change anything. So it's only men through years
of experience where I have I definitely feel good about
where I am with a Now, you either accept people
as they are or you don't. But if you are
waiting for them to change, you are wasting your time.
Speaker 2 (30:47):
Out of doubt, I.
Speaker 3 (30:48):
Would say never that's not something I do waiting for
somebody to change or needing them or asking them to change.
Even people are who they are. Certainly at the ages
we are that you're not gonna change a whole lot.
Speaker 1 (30:59):
But a lot of people stay in relationships hoping that
the other person's going to come around, hoping the other
person is going to amend or change or whatever, and
that does happen. Or even a job. You know you're
waiting for something to change or to get better. But
the reality is you either accept it or you move on,
and that those are really your only two choices. And
once you kind of get to that place in your head,
(31:19):
it's freeing because now you're free to make the choice
you want to make instead of waiting for someone else.
Speaker 3 (31:25):
All right, we're up to what not number nine nine?
All right?
Speaker 4 (31:28):
The fear of judgment.
Speaker 1 (31:31):
Absolutely, I can say that I struggle with that. So
you you might not.
Speaker 2 (31:38):
Put it all out there. You hide you're crazy a
little bit.
Speaker 1 (31:41):
You might not share everything you're thinking or feeling because
you're afraid if you do say it, someone will think
differently of you.
Speaker 2 (31:48):
One hundred percent.
Speaker 3 (31:49):
No, are you talking in general or in relationships about general?
Speaker 1 (31:52):
In general in relationships, I think if you really want
to have a true, honest, good relationship, you have to
be honest. You have to people even if you know
it might elicit judgment.
Speaker 2 (32:04):
Then that's good. Then you know that, then you know
it's not gonna work.
Speaker 1 (32:06):
Then if I say I think this about that, and
that's going to have such a big response.
Speaker 2 (32:12):
That you amend what you think, amend what you.
Speaker 1 (32:15):
Feel, that's a to me, that's a red flag that
you're not with the right person.
Speaker 3 (32:18):
You know. I go back to divorce and that I was.
I was so worried about judgment that I didn't even
tell my mom I was getting divorced. You know that.
I didn't even tell my mom about it. In August
of twenty two. I didn't even tell her. So the
fear of judgment, it just you hate and we've dealt with.
I don't know why I'm thinking of Jenna Kramer right
(32:39):
now when she's a fourth marriage, is it?
Speaker 2 (32:42):
Yeah?
Speaker 3 (32:42):
Four divorces.
Speaker 2 (32:44):
I don't remember, but there's a four.
Speaker 3 (32:45):
There's a fourth.
Speaker 2 (32:47):
I mean again, and I'm a zero judgment here.
Speaker 3 (32:49):
I say that to make a point that even though
she's been very open and talking about her relationships and
her relationship history. Even when she was talking about it
to us, she had a little caveat to wear. Well,
let me explain, there was still something in her that
was worried about in talking to us.
Speaker 1 (33:05):
Judgment, Right, the first two marriages didn't really count because
they were only this amount of time.
Speaker 3 (33:10):
And I don't know why that that thought or that
scenario or that story just came to mind. But that
type of thing to where at that time with me, like,
I don't want I mean, it's is it embarrassing? I
don't know if that's the right word, but you hate
to have somebody say this, I don't want to d
on my resume? Right, So I got two d's right
(33:30):
when I rette two divorces on my resume, And nobody
likes or wants that. But it's that that is one
I have struggled with. I don't you fear of judgment
for the way your life has played out, because in
somebody else's in the wider society's mind, it shouldn't be
that way. You should have done this, you should have
done that, You should have tried harder, you should have
(33:51):
stuck together. That thing gets me.
Speaker 1 (33:53):
Oh, I mean yes, and I have been the subject
of judgment for a lot of my life, and I
think I'm now at a place where I feel good
about owning what I've done. I might err on the
side of defending myself a little bit too much, but
I think I've gotten better at that, because the more
(34:13):
you try and defend yourself, the more unsure it seems
you are about your choices. And I just think at
the end of the day, I fall back on this,
I'd rather like I think we all know in our chest,
in our hearts, what the right thing to do is
what's right for us, and if we don't follow that
because we're afraid of being judged.
Speaker 2 (34:34):
That's the mistakes I've made.
Speaker 1 (34:36):
The big mistakes I've made in my life have been
because I've been more concerned about what someone else is
going to think or say versus what I know is
right for me.
Speaker 3 (34:45):
You know this sounds you say that the decisions we've made.
My first marriage happened not long after my granddad, God
rest his soul. He came into the apartment where we
were living at the time, and he said, man, you
gotta do the right thing. Can't just be shacking up.
(35:08):
He actually said to me made a statement that you
should be married if you're going to be living together. Now,
that's for my granddad. Who a guy who I that
makes time in my life. He's one of the three
dudes I have respected most, and he's saying that to me.
So the fear of judgment comes from family, It comes
from friends, it comes from society. It comes from Instagram,
it comes from viewers, it comes from listeners. It comes
(35:30):
from all these places. And I know I shouldn't have
gotten married first time, maybe shouldn't have gotten married the
second time, but those are all part of my experience.
And now I'm sitting here twice divorced and still worried
about how that looks to someone outside of me and
my family or people who know and understand me. So
(35:53):
that out of everything on this list, that might be
the one that stings most. We got ten here. Give
it to him again, Andy, What what are the ten
things that want?
Speaker 2 (36:05):
Number nine?
Speaker 1 (36:07):
Ten? No?
Speaker 3 (36:07):
It was it was you can see I was having
a moment, man, that was that was heavy. I was
tray to wrap this thing up.
Speaker 4 (36:16):
No, No, I have one more to torch you.
Speaker 3 (36:19):
So sorry.
Speaker 4 (36:20):
Number ten is needing approval from everyone.
Speaker 3 (36:24):
Okay, wet it strong. Oh no, no, no, no. We
talk about judgment, but then approval is something different. Right,
worried about what somebody thinks about me versus needing somebody's
acceptance of me. They seem like the same thing. But
you see me operate in this way that I am
in one on one and Okay, I don't I don't care.
(36:47):
I am not putting on in front of people in
a personal way to try to get them to think
this of me or to accept me.
Speaker 2 (36:54):
You're very good at that. I am not. I do
seek approval from everyone. I do.
Speaker 1 (36:59):
I want it. I'm people to like me. I want
people to understand. No, no, they do not do. I
want people to Yeah, I want approval. I want people.
Speaker 2 (37:09):
I like an atta boy, and I work hard for it,
and I have two extremes. Actually with my job, I've.
Speaker 1 (37:19):
I've absolutely continued to say yes when I should have
said no because I was seeking approval.
Speaker 2 (37:24):
And I've found my worth in.
Speaker 1 (37:28):
External forces. I've found my worth and what people thought
of me. I've found my worth. And if people thought
I was a hard enough worker, or a smart enough journalist,
or a you know, just a all of those things.
So yes, I still deal with that. I have not
I have not overcome that. I don't know that I
ever will. I'm aware of it. I'm aware of it,
(37:51):
and I know that I seek approval and I I do,
Oh my god, every day. I seek it from you.
I seek it from my daughters. I seek it from
my parents. Yeah, I do. Just my choice is or
how I operate or you know, I want you to
(38:12):
approve of how I operate.
Speaker 2 (38:15):
Yeah, that's a good way to put it, I guess,
And it's not healthy.
Speaker 1 (38:19):
I should just be happy and secure in the knowledge
that I'm doing the best I can.
Speaker 2 (38:25):
But I'm not there.
Speaker 3 (38:27):
Wow, And you know this is not I mean, I
didn't think about that. I didn't know what was on
the list. I think race comes into that for me,
at least, I am. I am so used to not
having society's approval. I am so used to There's nothing
I can do to make somebody think differently of me
(38:49):
based on what they think about a black man. I
am not going to make you feel better, feel safer,
more secure. I'm not going to make you think I'm smarter.
I'm not going to thank you. I'm not going to anything.
So I never waste energy in that respect, even working
in the industry where I am so used to getting
(39:09):
I think you've heard it before, right, it was so
offensive to me. Oh, TJ is he's so funny, he's
so quick, he's so this or that. There was always
a reason to explain why TJ was excelling on television
other than he's smart. He actually works harder than me.
He actually studied harder than me. Right, None of that
stuff came into play. So when it comes to acceptance,
(39:32):
I was actually comfortable in the idea I am never
going to win approval from these people ever, so I
stopped trying. I'm not even sure you know what it was.
It was a CNN. I wasted several years at CNN
trying to be wolf Blitzer because I thought, oh, I
need to sound this way, I need to look this,
I need to be something other than me to excel.
So I have never, for quite some time, at least
(39:55):
I can remember, tried to get anybody's approval or acceptance,
because what you think of me is what is going
to be, and that does factor in. I never thought
about it, and didn't know this was going to come up,
but I never thought about it in that way until
I guess kind of this question brings it up. Approval. Mmm,
nothing I can do about what some people think of me,
(40:16):
and I'm not gonna try.
Speaker 1 (40:17):
That's a healthy way to be. And it's I don't know,
Maybe it's kind of funny you mentioned race. I hadn't
thought about it like that. Yeah, And I think maybe
the reverse maybe is true for me, where the expectations
were this and so I needed to meet them. I
needed to match them. I needed to prove that I
was what they thought. And so for whatever reason, Yeah,
(40:39):
I still struggle with that.
Speaker 3 (40:41):
Damn man, is there an eleven? This one got heavy?
Speaker 1 (40:45):
But you know what, the cool thing about this list
is all ten of those things are you know, we
do a version of them, some more than others. But
they all take away from our energy and from our
time and from our healthy mental spaces, and so it's
important to hear them, recognize them, and then try to
(41:06):
I think acknowledging them is the most important thing. Right,
I learned something about myself just hearing you go through
that list and recognizing it is a huge part of it.
And then just when you when you feel yourself going
there or doing that or starting to waste your energy.
Speaker 2 (41:20):
You can say, wait, wait, wait, this is.
Speaker 1 (41:23):
I'll use it again a fool's Errand I'm not going
to change anything. I'm not going to change anyone's mind.
All I can do is accept who I am and
do better.
Speaker 3 (41:32):
Give it to the listeners one more time and it
what's the list here of things they can stop wasting
your energy? Folks doing these things?
Speaker 4 (41:39):
What is it holding onto your past mistakes, saying yes
to everyone but yourself, dwelling on what ifs, the fear
of failing, clinging to comfort zones, comparing yourself to others,
overthinking every decision, waiting for someone else to change, the
fear of judgment. And number ten is needing approval from everyone.
Speaker 2 (42:02):
Wow, those are good.
Speaker 1 (42:04):
Those are good because those are all energy vampires that
I have absolutely succumb to multiple times.
Speaker 2 (42:14):
Probably still gonna do it. I'm gonna try not to.
Speaker 3 (42:17):
Folks. Hope you got something that was something you said
earlier and it reminded me of the serenity prayer. I
think we used it not too long ago versus something
you know. I think it was Jamie Lee.
Speaker 2 (42:24):
Curtis after the election.
Speaker 3 (42:27):
I'm talking about leaving Twitter, right, she was so she
used the serenity prayer. But there's a there's another it's
a longer prayer, and there's a part something you said
that made me think of it. But folks don't remember
the next line. Can you can anybody recite the first
part of the serendiy prayer, Lord, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to
(42:48):
change the things I can, and the wisdom to know
the difference.
Speaker 2 (42:52):
Wow, that was very if not verbatim, very close.
Speaker 3 (42:56):
That's the one. But the next line of that serendy
prayer is living one day at a time, enjoying one
moment at a time, and accepting hardships as the pathway
to peace, which I think always is the doper part
of the serenity prayer, but nobody recites.
Speaker 2 (43:14):
Well, thank you for that.
Speaker 1 (43:15):
We can take that with us and we appreciate you
and your words of wisdom, and thank you Andy for
helping us try to do better with our energy and
our mental health, because that is what it's all about
at the end of the day. This is about us
taking care of ourselves and recognizing the moments when we
can do better. And really, when you help yourself, you
(43:36):
help everyone around you.
Speaker 2 (43:37):
So I love this and we.
Speaker 3 (43:38):
Want to say thanks to our other You have been
hearing from our super producer Andy in the room, but
our other super produce of Cilia. You haven't heard her
voice during this podcast, but she has helped so much
just with her facial expressions. She's letting us know if
we're on the right path or hey, guys, you need
to cut this one short. So she's been great in
the room as well. We just want to acknowledge.
Speaker 1 (43:58):
All right, everybody, have a wonderful day. I hope this
helps with your.
Speaker 2 (44:01):
Peace and your harmony in your life.
Speaker 1 (44:04):
You can find us on our official Instagram page at
Amy and TJ Podcast.
Speaker 2 (44:09):
Have a wonderful day, everyone,
Welcome everyone to this episode of Amy MTJ. And we
are talking about something on this episode that I think
a lot of you listeners will relate to, and it's
certainly something I have struggled with for most of my life,
but I'm hopefully getting better, and that is about learning
how to let go of control. We're always all of
(00:25):
us in our minds trying to control every little part
of our day that we actually have.
Speaker 2 (00:30):
No control over.
Speaker 1 (00:31):
But somehow we feel safe if we think we're controlling things,
But what we're actually doing is making ourselves crazy. So
much of the day and so much of our energy
is wasted on trying to make other people do things
we want them to do, or for situations to be
(00:51):
different than what they are.
Speaker 2 (00:52):
And I have worked and.
Speaker 1 (00:55):
Will continue to work on trying to just accept what
is right and the only thing we can control is
how we respond, and that is intellectually very simple to understand,
but putting that into practice is a whole other set
of problems. DJ, how are you on not wasting your
(01:15):
energy trying to control things that you can't control.
Speaker 3 (01:19):
Oh no, I'm I'm in I'm in full control of
everything going around on around me.
Speaker 2 (01:23):
Full control like on the subway today.
Speaker 3 (01:25):
Total control. Yeah, I was in control of this podcast
even and said you needed to start it. Total control.
I'm in control of everything that's around you.
Speaker 2 (01:34):
That's amazing like that.
Speaker 3 (01:35):
Yeah, total control?
Speaker 2 (01:36):
Yeah, total what's what's your delusional life?
Speaker 1 (01:38):
Like?
Speaker 3 (01:39):
Delusional? Oh no, no, no, no no no no no no no,
it's here's the thing. I actually you know this. I
have a tattoo on my right arm that it's one
of my favorite and the simplest. That might be the
quickest that I've of all my tattoos that I ever
had done, and it simply says surrender. And I struggle
in moments sometimes and you just the way you end
(02:00):
up feeling when you're stressed, Oh God, a good day,
da da day, And once you just say the hell
with it is gonna be what it's gonna be. Wow,
it's amazing. Yes, how life and joy and the weight
is lifted. And it is hard to put in practice,
but with a little training, and yes, I too have
gotten better at that.
Speaker 2 (02:19):
I have been obsessed with a podcaster.
Speaker 1 (02:23):
Many of you may know who she is, and she's
an author, but she's got a book coming out. But
I'm talking about Mel Robbins, and she has put this
theory in my head and she's writing a book about it,
and it's called let Them. And so when I get
frustrated or I want things to be different, or I
want someone to do something differently, or to respond to
me in a different way, or to say something that
they haven't said, I just say let them. And if
(02:45):
you just say those two words, all of a sudden
you realize I'm acknowledging that I don't have control right now,
and acknowledging that. It's amazing how your whole body will
just relax because you really lies, there's nothing you can
do to change it, and the only person you're hurting
(03:06):
is yourself. Right you get all stressed out, I'll get
a headache, I'll feel just my heart will start just
beating quickly. You know, all those feelings of just stress.
Stress is being out of control?
Speaker 3 (03:21):
How do you think I handle that? What you're describing there?
And again I said I can speak on me, but
I'm saying for an observer. I guess this would be
an accurate I'm more honest for the listener at least.
How do you think ideal in what you are describing?
How would you say, I am and trying to control
things around me.
Speaker 1 (03:41):
You get very in your head, you get very quiet,
you pace, you get antsy, you start cleaning, and you
start saying to yourself, I believe this is my observation.
I can't control anything that's happening right now, and I'm
really frustrated by it.
Speaker 2 (03:57):
So I'm gonna do what I can control, which is
to clean.
Speaker 1 (04:01):
And I get that because I have that tendency as well.
But you I've never actually seen it in a man,
which I appreciate.
Speaker 3 (04:11):
Laughter from the room. Why is that a thing? What
the way? Whoa what is that? I can't.
Speaker 1 (04:17):
Most men will like, I don't know, go do something else.
I would think, like go jump in their car and
drive off, or you know, I don't know, chop some wood,
you clean wood?
Speaker 3 (04:30):
Sorry, I left my axe in my other apartment. What
are you talking about?
Speaker 2 (04:37):
I know, but I related to you on that. But
I actually know.
Speaker 1 (04:40):
When I see you start going into like you've got
the scrubber and the soft scrub and you are like
in the tub like scrubbing, I'm like.
Speaker 2 (04:47):
Oh he is, oh shit is just right now. He's
working through it.
Speaker 4 (04:53):
He's working through it.
Speaker 3 (04:55):
That's how you He's got the index and the soft
scrub out. You better this guy.
Speaker 1 (05:00):
Oh no, the.
Speaker 2 (05:00):
Vacuum cleaner's coming out.
Speaker 1 (05:01):
Oh no, But I know when you feel out of control,
that's what you do.
Speaker 2 (05:05):
What about me? What do you see me doing? Spiral?
Speaker 3 (05:09):
You spiral when things aren't going. Oh my goodness, Grace's sweetheart.
You say it, and this drives me, It doesn't dry me.
It's fascinating to see. And I've done this to you
a bunch of times. I have used your tutelage that
you've given me to survive some of the worst moments
of my life the past five years or so, I
(05:32):
use them against you. I actually say, hey, sweetheart, you
need to settle, you need to center. Nothing you can
do about it. It's fine, It's gonna be okay, sweetheart.
We still got the whole deck. Don't ruin. I have
given you so many of those things, throwing them right
back on your face, and I've seen you go you
completely adjust. Just a little reminder, it's so hard to
do it ourselves, to implement those things that we know
(05:55):
are the right thing to do. And certainly in the moment,
you have taught me that, and I have been working
tirelessly for years on that thing.
Speaker 1 (06:02):
It's interesting you you have and it does work when
I am reminded. I know what the right thing to
do is or the right way to respond is. And
sometimes I just if you just say, ropes, this is
nothing like. This is a drop in the bucket, you know,
and just a little bit of perspective and I and
I can switch it back off and go. You know what,
you're right When you're cleaning and you're in that headspace,
(06:26):
I don't know what to say to you because I
don't want to make it worse.
Speaker 3 (06:30):
You're supposed to say, come here, baby.
Speaker 2 (06:34):
Well I do always try to. You know, it's stopping.
Speaker 1 (06:39):
Right when you're when you're in your in your cleaning frenzy.
I don't think so no, but no, But what would
you want to hear in that moment?
Speaker 2 (06:46):
Nothing? Do you want space? I feel like you want
space in those moments.
Speaker 3 (06:49):
I don't want space. You know what I absolutely don't want.
And you know what's about to come out of my mouth.
I don't want to have to educate someone on how
to comfort me in a moment of frustration and pain.
And that's very difficult to do. And I know that's
on me, but.
Speaker 2 (07:05):
Everyone's different, so it's hard to know.
Speaker 3 (07:07):
But you know me better than anybody.
Speaker 2 (07:10):
I don't know the answer to that thought.
Speaker 3 (07:11):
Well that's the sweetheart. We we have a much bigger
examination of this relationship to do. Wow, I'm just kidding,
baby Jesus. Everybody got It's true.
Speaker 1 (07:22):
Though, because I said I help, you're like, I don't
want to have to tell you how to help me.
Speaker 2 (07:26):
But I actually haven't figured that out yet.
Speaker 3 (07:28):
You haven't after all this time.
Speaker 1 (07:30):
And I think what I've what I think you because
everyone's different, but I think you need a little space.
Speaker 2 (07:36):
I think you need a little.
Speaker 1 (07:37):
Space and I trust, like I'm trusting you that you've
got this. If there's anything that I could do to help,
I would, but I think it would just feel maybe
even patronizing to you.
Speaker 3 (07:49):
That's on me as well, because I am somebody who
sits in this this seat of well, if it's going
to get done, I have to do it. I don't
depend on anybody. That's a problem. I know this is me,
but that is something I am not good at at all.
Is expecting help.
Speaker 2 (08:08):
What about receiving help?
Speaker 3 (08:10):
Okay, fine, but I don't ever when I'm cleaning or whatever,
and you're wondering how to help me. I don't have
an expectation that I'm going to get help, that I'm
going to get any lifeline to get out of what
I am, of the place I'm in. I don't. I
just and you know that, and that's not a good
way to be. I know that as well. But I
am that I do struggle, and that's why sometimes something
(08:33):
goes on. It takes TJ. He needs forty eight hours
to be okay, have gotten better at that. We got
it down to maybe forty two hours.
Speaker 2 (08:40):
I thought it was like twenty four hours.
Speaker 3 (08:41):
Okay, we'll get better, even better. But yeah, I don't
know how to get out of that. So back to
we were talking, you're the wasting of the energy to
try to control things. I would say you waste more
energy than I do trying to control things.
Speaker 1 (08:59):
I might I would say that I waste more energy,
maybe more explosive energy in the moment.
Speaker 2 (09:05):
You might waste more.
Speaker 3 (09:06):
Time explosive energy.
Speaker 1 (09:09):
Like I feel like it's more like all at once
and then I'm over it. Like where I'm frustrated, you
will like seethe.
Speaker 2 (09:17):
For like a while.
Speaker 3 (09:18):
I don't seethe, sweetheart, come on now. Seething is a
strong quiet.
Speaker 1 (09:22):
Seething, a quiet seaton when you go when you withdraw, Okay,
that is so, I won't call it seizing.
Speaker 3 (09:29):
I do that.
Speaker 1 (09:29):
But when you're out of control, or you feel like
you can't control things that are happening that you're frustrated by,
you withdraw, Okay, but you.
Speaker 3 (09:36):
Go full teddy swams and set the bed on fire
and is short lived. No, yeah, but the bed is
on fire? Is the thing like, ah, yeah, it's a
it's a it's a four long fire. But I'm a
dump some water in here. And if that's not how
I roll yours is? It is explosive? Yes, you do,
and I'm impressed you get over it. I really really quickly.
Speaker 2 (09:58):
Because I get it out.
Speaker 3 (10:00):
Yeah, in explosive ways, Andy, is what she's saying here.
But can you please Andy, help us with this. You
have several I think you have ten on this list
of ways people? Can you explained what the list is? Again,
we've been talking here so long I forgot what it was.
Speaker 4 (10:15):
This list comes from Bold. It's a list of what
you're wasting your energy on and uh, not being able
to control these things.
Speaker 3 (10:22):
We just weighs a lot of energy even talking about.
Speaker 1 (10:25):
Well, I'm hoping that people listening can relate either to
me or to you. But because I do think we
all have failures when it comes to this.
Speaker 4 (10:32):
Oh yeah, I'm terrible with all these things. There's ten
of them, and I'm bad at all ten. So number
one is holding onto your past mistakes.
Speaker 1 (10:40):
Yeah, yeah, that's actually been a really tough thing for me,
and I've been really working hard on forgiving myself and
letting it go and just learning from them.
Speaker 3 (10:54):
Uh, that's a tough one for me. I don't think,
and again I ask for your help on this. I
don't think I hold on to past mistakes a lot.
I have to get passed and move Really, it's a
again the training, I to call it training, but you
know what I mean. I'm just kind of been working
on getting better at a bunch of things. But the
(11:14):
idea that I'm holding myself like, I'm always feeling as
if I'm a you know, too often I've listened to
others about who I am. I listen to other people
define me, and I'm thinking, well, maybe I am that,
Maybe I am, and nobody knows me better than me.
So why am I listening to anybody else or that
idea of holding on to something in my past. I
(11:37):
screwed up. I screwed up a bunch and I know that,
but I try. I don't think I do a terrible
job and hold on to a lot of that stuff.
Speaker 2 (11:46):
I don't think as a mother, I do.
Speaker 1 (11:48):
I get a lot of guilt in my head about
how I could have done better, and I'm working on
not feeling guilty about past mistakes.
Speaker 3 (11:58):
Okay, you have two wonderful kids. One of them is
about to graduate from NYU. The other one was studying
abroad in Spain before she goes to Boulder with great grades.
So I don't, Yeah, you need to work on your mother.
What's the number two?
Speaker 4 (12:13):
Number two is saying yes to everyone but yourself.
Speaker 1 (12:19):
I've gotten way better at this, but I have been
terrible at that for a long time.
Speaker 3 (12:24):
I've been good at this forever. I mean, I just
there is no that's you know, that's one of my things.
Speaker 2 (12:30):
I just no, You've always been good at saying no.
Speaker 3 (12:34):
Yeah, I just I have no problem. I don't owe
anybody anything. I am forty seven years old.
Speaker 2 (12:39):
Now have you always been like that?
Speaker 3 (12:40):
I think I might have what's the thing in Your
success in life is based on what In your twenties,
your success is based on things you say yes yes too.
And then in your thirties and forties, your success is
based on things you say no to. And I have
been very comfortable in that space for a long time,
not even stressed. Don't have an expectator like I don't
oh you anything. You have to say no. If we didn't,
(13:04):
so heart, we would be even more exhausted than we are.
Speaker 2 (13:06):
Yeah, that's true, all right.
Speaker 4 (13:09):
Number three is dwelling on the what ifs.
Speaker 1 (13:13):
So yes, this has been a lot of work on
my and I always look back and say, don't say
what if, and don't say if only, and don't say
should have, could have, would have. Those are all very
damaging things to say to yourself because you can't undo
what happened. You can't change what happened. And maybe all
(13:35):
of those things happened because you needed.
Speaker 2 (13:37):
To learn something.
Speaker 1 (13:38):
So that's where I always go in my head. If
I start saying what if, if only, I say, wait
a minute, what did I learn? And that is my
way out of that crazy headspace.
Speaker 3 (13:48):
My only two things I've said, what if about I'm
not a regret guy, but two regrets or two what
ifs that I struggle with one? What if I continued
playing football? That sounds crazy, but in junior high I
was a better football player than a basketball player. But
I was able to go on in basketball and get
some scholarship offers and even dabbled in basketball at the
(14:11):
University of Arkansas. I was a pretty good basketball player.
I always wondered, what if I stuck with football? What
if I but I broke my ankle and you know me,
I'm out. That's the wrap. Ninth grade broke my ankle,
true story, broke my ankle done, I'm over, no more football.
The other thing, you know, sweetheart? The what if? There
is one? What if? That? Still maybe once a week
(14:34):
comes to mind. Wow, what if I had announced to
the public in August of twenty twenty two that I
was getting a divorce. What if I went ahead and
told everybody in August of twenty twenty two that I
was no longer in a relationship, in a marriage, just
(14:56):
put that out there, and then in August of twenty two,
I didn't know I was gonna end up in a
relationship with you, so then months later I did, and
people would have found out. It wouldn't have been startling.
It would have been something that the tabloids could try
to exploit and take advantage of. It wasn't have been
an issue where the people who then you know, did
intentionally put that out to make it sound bad. They
(15:18):
wouldn't have had that option. So I that is my
one if that. I still struggle with, what if? Where?
How life would have been different if I'd have put
it out that I was divorced and this never wouldn't
have been something that a tabloid and the people who
told the tabloid were able to exploit. That is when
I still struggle with.
Speaker 1 (15:37):
I get that, and I think the lesson learned from
that that I have learned and you have learned the
hard way is transparency is key to communication and to understanding.
And you can get into a mindset of thinking that
you don't owe anybody anything, but that's where confusion takes place.
Speaker 2 (15:58):
And if you don't speak, some one's going to speak
for you.
Speaker 1 (16:01):
And so those are lessons that I think we both
learned during that time. So what if is good in
a reflective way if you can learn how to act
differently in the future.
Speaker 3 (16:13):
So, folks, we are giving you ways to try to
stop wasting your energy to control certain things in your life.
We will continue with that list in just a moment,
but before we go, give us a little tease here, Andy,
what's coming up on this list. We've only gone through three.
We have several more to go, So going into the break, here,
give us a little tease of what we can expect.
Speaker 4 (16:33):
Oh, next break, you're going to hear about the fear
of failing, maybe overthinking a couple of decisions, and the
fear of judgment.
Speaker 3 (16:39):
All right, there you have it, folks, will be right back.
Speaker 2 (16:50):
Welcome back everyone.
Speaker 1 (16:51):
We are talking about something that I believe all of
us can relate to, trying to control things that we
cannot actually control, and wasting so much energy, so much emotion,
so much time on things that we actually can't change.
So we are working our way down a list which
(17:14):
is fantastic in terms of finding ways to do better
and to be better.
Speaker 2 (17:17):
Andy, where are we were at number four?
Speaker 3 (17:19):
Number four?
Speaker 4 (17:20):
And one thing to stop wasting your energy on is
the fear of failing.
Speaker 1 (17:25):
Oh, I so so agree with this. I actually haven't
had this problem. I have failed many many times. And
I whether it's running a marathon or climbing a mountain
and not getting to the top, or going out and saying, hey,
I want to be this in life and just setting
expectations for myself that might be far and above what's possible,
(17:48):
but knowing that if I don't set them there, I
won't get anywhere near. So I have failed so many
times in my life, starting falling off of off the
beam when I was a gymnast and getting back on
it and doing it anyway.
Speaker 2 (17:59):
Yeah, that's when you learn, that's when you grow. Failure
is a huge part of success for me.
Speaker 3 (18:07):
I actually kind of remember whose quote this was, but
this is one I have. I picked this up very
early in life. But the idea is most people fail
because they didn't realize how close they were to success
when they decided to quit. And so that's it doesn't
matter if it's not going well. If it's not going
(18:27):
tomorrow might be the day. Right, six people turned us
down for this. Tomorrow is going to be the seventh.
We have a meeting, and that's going to be the one.
So that this is one you have to You cannot
be afraid to fail. If you do, what's the point.
What's the point of just being a valedictorian and following rules?
And I use that example. There are studies out there
(18:49):
that show valedictorians do fine in life, but they don't
break any rules, they don't do anything different. They can
handle a task. But the wildly successful people are the
ones willing to take a risk, willing to fail, willing
to take all these chances. And so that's not one
I necessarily think I struggle with.
Speaker 2 (19:04):
Yeah, same, I struggled with a lot of other.
Speaker 1 (19:06):
Things though, as you've made clear, and I failed a
lot and I'm still here all right.
Speaker 4 (19:12):
Number five is clinging to your comfort zones.
Speaker 3 (19:15):
Hm hm, oh you know what this I am thinking
career here, right, we were in jobs that we would
never have left in all likelihood because it was what
very comfortable, comfortable, It was safe, dare I say even
it was it was easy to a certain degree relatively speaking.
We knew how to do that thing and we were
(19:38):
very comfortable where we were. So that's a that's a
tough one. You cling to a comfort zone. I think
in relationships oftentimes.
Speaker 2 (19:45):
I was going to say the same thing and cling too.
Speaker 3 (19:47):
Well, this is okay, and this is going to be
messy if I go anything else, and the kids are
going to be I think we have a tendency to
do that.
Speaker 1 (19:54):
So it's funny because I used to say this and
then I guess I've lived it. I never want to
be wait, I never I never want to get comfortable.
I always want to relish being uncomfortable because that means
(20:14):
I'm pushing myself into something that either I think I
can't do or I shouldn't do. But it's pushing me
into growth. And so I never wanted to get comfortable.
I always said that, and it I actually get scared.
Speaker 2 (20:27):
When I get comfortable. I actually get nervous when.
Speaker 1 (20:29):
I get comfortable. Relationship, No, I'm not comfortable yet.
Speaker 3 (20:33):
Good. I want to keep you on your tails growing.
Speaker 1 (20:35):
I'm not comfortable, and I think that it's that offers
you a daily challenge to do better, to be better,
and to see where I can take you.
Speaker 2 (20:44):
But yeah, you disagree.
Speaker 3 (20:46):
We'll discuss it later, Okay, Well.
Speaker 2 (20:49):
Yeah, no, I actually I actually.
Speaker 1 (20:51):
Think that that I maybe even enjoy being uncomfortable, and
it might explain a lot of my life to people
who are confused by it.
Speaker 3 (21:00):
But that's a good way to be and a lot
of people, and I think it's okay. Some aren't. I'm
not built that way, I say. I. I mean some
people can say that about themselves. They're not built in
such a way that they can be uncomfortable to take
a chance. And people have reasons to say no, I
need to keep this very steady job with this these benefits.
And I think that's okay. These people are different in
that way. There are that's that's those a chance and
(21:22):
that's a risk, and this I understand people being risk averrs.
Speaker 2 (21:25):
Oh I do too.
Speaker 1 (21:26):
I just yes, and I think that in some ways
being willing to yes, run a marathon, train for a marathon,
have all these uncomfortable things happened.
Speaker 2 (21:35):
To you, and doing it anyway and maybe even.
Speaker 1 (21:38):
Having a hard time explaining to other people why you
still do it.
Speaker 2 (21:41):
But I was born that way. I definitely was.
Speaker 4 (21:45):
Do you think there's a point that you could push
yourself too far?
Speaker 3 (21:47):
Though I haven't found it yet, but that answer has
to be yes. Yeah. I think we've gotten close to it,
and we discussed it a lot because I've I think
what we said in a previous podcast. I said to
you in the bedroom not longer. I remember where I
was as a sweetheart. I am going to drop dead
because it's too much going on. I'm not sleeping enough.
(22:10):
I've just worn the hell out. So I think, yeah,
you can push yourself too much, you can go too far.
You can I am finally for the first time in
my life. We talked about this with the marathon. For
the first time in my life. My body is not
letting me physically do something with his achilles and now
a footprint. I got all kinds of issues. What's that
(22:30):
from trying to run? Trying to run two marathons on
a bum achilles. I planned that I could have skipped
one of them. At least that's too much. We get
up at a two three in the morning and going
all day hard. That's too much.
Speaker 2 (22:46):
I think. When it's too much, your body tells you.
Speaker 1 (22:50):
And I've certainly had enough things happen physically to me
where I have had to acknowledge that I was pushing
myself too hard. But for me, it does take something
busy typically to make me stop or or rethink how
I'm approaching things, from crippling migrain headaches to having had
to have heart surgery to having breast answer. I mean,
(23:13):
I have definitely had some physical wake up calls where
I know I've pushed myself too far and I have
to reassess and take.
Speaker 2 (23:20):
Care of myself.
Speaker 1 (23:21):
But it hasn't stopped me being willing to be uncomfortable.
It's just it's it's put the brakes on certain ways
of living, and a lot.
Speaker 2 (23:30):
Of it has been about balance. So balance is important,
and I think for me, I've had to learn it
the hard way.
Speaker 3 (23:37):
What are we up to know?
Speaker 4 (23:39):
We're on number six and number six is comparing yourself
to others.
Speaker 3 (23:42):
Ooh, that is what anybody on Instagram you need to
listen to that one.
Speaker 2 (23:46):
Yeah, I've gotten way better at that.
Speaker 3 (23:48):
Oh my goodness, gracious, that's a tough one.
Speaker 2 (23:51):
Younger. When I was younger, it was.
Speaker 1 (23:54):
It was crippling, absolutely and thank god I didn't have
social media, but the young when I was younger, oh,
that was probably one of the most difficult things to
not do. It's just I think it's a natural thing
to do. And I don't know if women are more
likely to do it than men. I can't speak for men,
but I know that that's something that I've talked about
(24:15):
with my daughters, and I've been really proud of them
for being unique individuals. I think that's something to be celebrated,
and I think people talk about it more now.
Speaker 2 (24:22):
But yeah, social media, that's.
Speaker 1 (24:25):
A really really tough place to be if you have
a problem, or you know that's one of your issues,
that you're just constantly comparing yourself to other people.
Speaker 3 (24:35):
Yeah, that's it. I don't. That's not something I do
a lot of. But the one way I do do
it is oftentimes, throughout my career, I'm twenty five and
I look at another twenty five year old, I'm like, oh,
they're there. Wow? Am I not there yet? I'm thirty
and they're thirty. I'm like, oh, wow, they have that
much success. Why haven't I? And at every stage of
my life, I usually compare myself to Kobe Bryant because
(24:56):
Coby and I.
Speaker 2 (24:57):
A so you were just in a constant state of depression.
Speaker 3 (24:59):
No, no, no, uh. You know what I'm saying is that
that kid. I watched him and you probably don't remember
this because but his first couple of game like playoff games,
he was seventeen eighteen years old. He and I were
about the same age, and he shot air balls. It
was embarrassing right in this game, but he kept shooting,
He kept shooting. And I'm looking at this guy, this
(25:21):
kid on this stage about the same age. You know,
who else is I compare myself to Usher? Now I
know this sounds crazy, wow, but because these guys are
about the same age and this is the time, I'm
still in high school, I'm nothing, I'm not even starting
my career. But I'm looking at these guys as contemporaries
in some way to where wow, they have that level
of success at that age. They are doing this on
the world stage and being cheered at that age, What
(25:43):
am I doing? What can I be doing? Where should
I be going? And it was a motivating thing. I
know that sounds insane, but those two guys who I
later got to be around, got to spend time with,
got to interview. Those were guys I looked at and
always tried to compare time lines too, because we were
all seventeen eighteen at the same time. That is where
(26:08):
that question of comparison and other people's success has been
a part. And it took until I was probably thirty
or so to realize, oh wait, And I started to
see people who were twenty two when I was comparing
myself with it. Now I'm way ahead of at thirty,
and even farther ahead of when I'm thirty five and
blowing them out of the water at four. Right, So
that took a while to actually come around to. So
(26:31):
I get what you're saying. You're being funny, that like
being priced, you're comparing yourself.
Speaker 2 (26:34):
But no, it was motivating.
Speaker 3 (26:36):
It was I always looked at those guys because we
were the same age.
Speaker 2 (26:38):
You weren't jealous, you were motivated.
Speaker 3 (26:40):
I was, and so I was comparing myself to them.
So maybe that was Maybe those guys are responsible for
me working and busting my butt as well as I
did to get to a place of pretty good success.
Speaker 4 (26:52):
Yeah, and do you think it's harder for younger people?
Having daughters yourself who were younger, do you think it's
harder nowadays to not compare yourself to others?
Speaker 1 (27:01):
Oh?
Speaker 2 (27:01):
Yes, for sure.
Speaker 1 (27:02):
I didn't have visuals of other people, my friends or
people who I'm a contemporary with. And of course everyone
usually just puts out the best and the brightest pictures
and images on Instagram, so you're having a false impression
of what their life is like, and then you're comparing
it to whatever you're going through.
Speaker 2 (27:18):
Oh, it's it's almost inescapable.
Speaker 1 (27:21):
And I think you have to acknowledge it and say,
I am going to choose not to do this because
it's it's a human experience. I think to do that
and then to have it constantly at your fingertips on
your phone is it could be absolutely detrimental.
Speaker 3 (27:35):
And obviously those people on Instagram, they took what twenty
takes and how many filters it takes them two hours
to put out one picture that you think is just natural. Yeah,
it's just it's a farce. Yeah, it's an absolute farce. Okay.
Speaker 4 (27:49):
So number seven is overthinking every decision.
Speaker 1 (27:54):
I don't do that, and probably should. I should probably
overthink it more or overthink it beforehand. But I am
a I'm somebody who definitely makes quick decisions and then
I I think I'm okay with accepting the consequences.
Speaker 3 (28:10):
You know me the opposite, I think, think, think, think, overthink,
and then I am so once the decision is made,
I'm good.
Speaker 4 (28:18):
Yeah, on the opposite, but I will overthink.
Speaker 3 (28:20):
After the decision is done, then I will I have
no I feel so confident in the decision. Once the
decision is made, I.
Speaker 4 (28:28):
Both hate and love this next one.
Speaker 3 (28:30):
Number hate And it sounded like he was judging our life. No,
feel right? Right?
Speaker 1 (28:35):
Right?
Speaker 3 (28:35):
I feel right.
Speaker 4 (28:35):
I'm more of an amy definitely not in the situation.
I'm like, that's what that was way to put it.
Speaker 1 (28:40):
He drives me crazy with how much time it takes
him to make a decision sometimes, but he does I do.
Speaker 2 (28:45):
I will say I have seen the value in it.
Speaker 3 (28:48):
Well, babe, is it time or is it?
Speaker 1 (28:50):
Like?
Speaker 3 (28:50):
Wow, dude, are you really going that deep? Because I
can make a decision in ten minutes, but I will
take it down and deep and like, do why are
we even you?
Speaker 2 (28:59):
It's time for me?
Speaker 4 (29:00):
I'm impatient ten minutes or too much?
Speaker 1 (29:03):
Oh No, I'm talking about like deciding where we're gonna go,
like for vacations, and it can take weeks or an airbnb.
Speaker 2 (29:10):
Take weeks, it can take days. I can make a
decision in minutes.
Speaker 3 (29:13):
Okay, wait a minute. You just say you went from
weeks today. Do you see what I'm talking about.
Speaker 2 (29:17):
Well, it depends on the time what we're doing. No,
I mean it has taken weeks.
Speaker 3 (29:20):
You can take it. You can make a decision in what.
Speaker 1 (29:22):
Minutes and I might regret it about where I'm going.
I could book a plane, I could book a hotel room.
I could book a vacation in under ten minutes and
feel good about it.
Speaker 3 (29:34):
And then once we get here or there and the steps,
you're like, oh god, I didn't realize we're not sitting
together on this flight. Oh my god, I cannot believe
the hotel is in this neighborhood. Oh my god, we
have to fly into where. That's what happens. That doesn't
happen with my planning. Okay, your silence speaks volumes.
Speaker 2 (30:00):
I'm I stand.
Speaker 1 (30:01):
I've loved all of my vacations.
Speaker 4 (30:03):
You number eight is waiting for someone else to change.
Speaker 3 (30:18):
Yeah, I suck at that still waiting.
Speaker 2 (30:22):
Oh well, so.
Speaker 1 (30:24):
That is absolutely wasted energy, because yes, you do that.
I have done it in the past, and it doesn't
ever ever change anything. So it's only men through years
of experience where I have I definitely feel good about
where I am with a Now, you either accept people
as they are or you don't. But if you are
waiting for them to change, you are wasting your time.
Speaker 2 (30:47):
Out of doubt, I.
Speaker 3 (30:48):
Would say never that's not something I do waiting for
somebody to change or needing them or asking them to change.
Even people are who they are. Certainly at the ages
we are that you're not gonna change a whole lot.
Speaker 1 (30:59):
But a lot of people stay in relationships hoping that
the other person's going to come around, hoping the other
person is going to amend or change or whatever, and
that does happen. Or even a job. You know you're
waiting for something to change or to get better. But
the reality is you either accept it or you move on,
and that those are really your only two choices. And
once you kind of get to that place in your head,
(31:19):
it's freeing because now you're free to make the choice
you want to make instead of waiting for someone else.
Speaker 3 (31:25):
All right, we're up to what not number nine nine?
All right?
Speaker 4 (31:28):
The fear of judgment.
Speaker 1 (31:31):
Absolutely, I can say that I struggle with that. So
you you might not.
Speaker 2 (31:38):
Put it all out there. You hide you're crazy a
little bit.
Speaker 1 (31:41):
You might not share everything you're thinking or feeling because
you're afraid if you do say it, someone will think
differently of you.
Speaker 2 (31:48):
One hundred percent.
Speaker 3 (31:49):
No, are you talking in general or in relationships about general?
Speaker 1 (31:52):
In general in relationships, I think if you really want
to have a true, honest, good relationship, you have to
be honest. You have to people even if you know
it might elicit judgment.
Speaker 2 (32:04):
Then that's good. Then you know that, then you know
it's not gonna work.
Speaker 1 (32:06):
Then if I say I think this about that, and
that's going to have such a big response.
Speaker 2 (32:12):
That you amend what you think, amend what you.
Speaker 1 (32:15):
Feel, that's a to me, that's a red flag that
you're not with the right person.
Speaker 3 (32:18):
You know. I go back to divorce and that I was.
I was so worried about judgment that I didn't even
tell my mom I was getting divorced. You know that.
I didn't even tell my mom about it. In August
of twenty two. I didn't even tell her. So the
fear of judgment, it just you hate and we've dealt with.
I don't know why I'm thinking of Jenna Kramer right
(32:39):
now when she's a fourth marriage, is it?
Speaker 2 (32:42):
Yeah?
Speaker 3 (32:42):
Four divorces.
Speaker 2 (32:44):
I don't remember, but there's a four.
Speaker 3 (32:45):
There's a fourth.
Speaker 2 (32:47):
I mean again, and I'm a zero judgment here.
Speaker 3 (32:49):
I say that to make a point that even though
she's been very open and talking about her relationships and
her relationship history. Even when she was talking about it
to us, she had a little caveat to wear. Well,
let me explain, there was still something in her that
was worried about in talking to us.
Speaker 1 (33:05):
Judgment, Right, the first two marriages didn't really count because
they were only this amount of time.
Speaker 3 (33:10):
And I don't know why that that thought or that
scenario or that story just came to mind. But that
type of thing to where at that time with me, like,
I don't want I mean, it's is it embarrassing? I
don't know if that's the right word, but you hate
to have somebody say this, I don't want to d
on my resume? Right, So I got two d's right
(33:30):
when I rette two divorces on my resume, And nobody
likes or wants that. But it's that that is one
I have struggled with. I don't you fear of judgment
for the way your life has played out, because in
somebody else's in the wider society's mind, it shouldn't be
that way. You should have done this, you should have
done that, You should have tried harder, you should have
(33:51):
stuck together. That thing gets me.
Speaker 1 (33:53):
Oh, I mean yes, and I have been the subject
of judgment for a lot of my life, and I
think I'm now at a place where I feel good
about owning what I've done. I might err on the
side of defending myself a little bit too much, but
I think I've gotten better at that, because the more
(34:13):
you try and defend yourself, the more unsure it seems
you are about your choices. And I just think at
the end of the day, I fall back on this,
I'd rather like I think we all know in our chest,
in our hearts, what the right thing to do is
what's right for us, and if we don't follow that
because we're afraid of being judged.
Speaker 2 (34:34):
That's the mistakes I've made.
Speaker 1 (34:36):
The big mistakes I've made in my life have been
because I've been more concerned about what someone else is
going to think or say versus what I know is
right for me.
Speaker 3 (34:45):
You know this sounds you say that the decisions we've made.
My first marriage happened not long after my granddad, God
rest his soul. He came into the apartment where we
were living at the time, and he said, man, you
gotta do the right thing. Can't just be shacking up.
(35:08):
He actually said to me made a statement that you
should be married if you're going to be living together. Now,
that's for my granddad. Who a guy who I that
makes time in my life. He's one of the three
dudes I have respected most, and he's saying that to me.
So the fear of judgment comes from family, It comes
from friends, it comes from society. It comes from Instagram,
it comes from viewers, it comes from listeners. It comes
(35:30):
from all these places. And I know I shouldn't have
gotten married first time, maybe shouldn't have gotten married the
second time, but those are all part of my experience.
And now I'm sitting here twice divorced and still worried
about how that looks to someone outside of me and
my family or people who know and understand me. So
(35:53):
that out of everything on this list, that might be
the one that stings most. We got ten here. Give
it to him again, Andy, What what are the ten
things that want?
Speaker 2 (36:05):
Number nine?
Speaker 1 (36:07):
Ten? No?
Speaker 3 (36:07):
It was it was you can see I was having
a moment, man, that was that was heavy. I was
tray to wrap this thing up.
Speaker 4 (36:16):
No, No, I have one more to torch you.
Speaker 3 (36:19):
So sorry.
Speaker 4 (36:20):
Number ten is needing approval from everyone.
Speaker 3 (36:24):
Okay, wet it strong. Oh no, no, no, no. We
talk about judgment, but then approval is something different. Right,
worried about what somebody thinks about me versus needing somebody's
acceptance of me. They seem like the same thing. But
you see me operate in this way that I am
in one on one and Okay, I don't I don't care.
(36:47):
I am not putting on in front of people in
a personal way to try to get them to think
this of me or to accept me.
Speaker 2 (36:54):
You're very good at that. I am not. I do
seek approval from everyone. I do.
Speaker 1 (36:59):
I want it. I'm people to like me. I want
people to understand. No, no, they do not do. I
want people to Yeah, I want approval. I want people.
Speaker 2 (37:09):
I like an atta boy, and I work hard for it,
and I have two extremes. Actually with my job, I've.
Speaker 1 (37:19):
I've absolutely continued to say yes when I should have
said no because I was seeking approval.
Speaker 2 (37:24):
And I've found my worth in.
Speaker 1 (37:28):
External forces. I've found my worth and what people thought
of me. I've found my worth. And if people thought
I was a hard enough worker, or a smart enough journalist,
or a you know, just a all of those things.
So yes, I still deal with that. I have not
I have not overcome that. I don't know that I
ever will. I'm aware of it. I'm aware of it,
(37:51):
and I know that I seek approval and I I do,
Oh my god, every day. I seek it from you.
I seek it from my daughters. I seek it from
my parents. Yeah, I do. Just my choice is or
how I operate or you know, I want you to
(38:12):
approve of how I operate.
Speaker 2 (38:15):
Yeah, that's a good way to put it, I guess,
And it's not healthy.
Speaker 1 (38:19):
I should just be happy and secure in the knowledge
that I'm doing the best I can.
Speaker 2 (38:25):
But I'm not there.
Speaker 3 (38:27):
Wow, And you know this is not I mean, I
didn't think about that. I didn't know what was on
the list. I think race comes into that for me,
at least, I am. I am so used to not
having society's approval. I am so used to There's nothing
I can do to make somebody think differently of me
(38:49):
based on what they think about a black man. I
am not going to make you feel better, feel safer,
more secure. I'm not going to make you think I'm smarter.
I'm not going to thank you. I'm not going to anything.
So I never waste energy in that respect, even working
in the industry where I am so used to getting
(39:09):
I think you've heard it before, right, it was so
offensive to me. Oh, TJ is he's so funny, he's
so quick, he's so this or that. There was always
a reason to explain why TJ was excelling on television
other than he's smart. He actually works harder than me.
He actually studied harder than me. Right, None of that
stuff came into play. So when it comes to acceptance,
(39:32):
I was actually comfortable in the idea I am never
going to win approval from these people ever, so I
stopped trying. I'm not even sure you know what it was.
It was a CNN. I wasted several years at CNN
trying to be wolf Blitzer because I thought, oh, I
need to sound this way, I need to look this,
I need to be something other than me to excel.
So I have never, for quite some time, at least
(39:55):
I can remember, tried to get anybody's approval or acceptance,
because what you think of me is what is going
to be, and that does factor in. I never thought
about it, and didn't know this was going to come up,
but I never thought about it in that way until
I guess kind of this question brings it up. Approval. Mmm,
nothing I can do about what some people think of me,
(40:16):
and I'm not gonna try.
Speaker 1 (40:17):
That's a healthy way to be. And it's I don't know,
Maybe it's kind of funny you mentioned race. I hadn't
thought about it like that. Yeah, And I think maybe
the reverse maybe is true for me, where the expectations
were this and so I needed to meet them. I
needed to match them. I needed to prove that I
was what they thought. And so for whatever reason, Yeah,
(40:39):
I still struggle with that.
Speaker 3 (40:41):
Damn man, is there an eleven? This one got heavy?
Speaker 1 (40:45):
But you know what, the cool thing about this list
is all ten of those things are you know, we
do a version of them, some more than others. But
they all take away from our energy and from our
time and from our healthy mental spaces, and so it's
important to hear them, recognize them, and then try to
(41:06):
I think acknowledging them is the most important thing. Right,
I learned something about myself just hearing you go through
that list and recognizing it is a huge part of it.
And then just when you when you feel yourself going
there or doing that or starting to waste your energy.
Speaker 2 (41:20):
You can say, wait, wait, wait, this is.
Speaker 1 (41:23):
I'll use it again a fool's Errand I'm not going
to change anything. I'm not going to change anyone's mind.
All I can do is accept who I am and
do better.
Speaker 3 (41:32):
Give it to the listeners one more time and it
what's the list here of things they can stop wasting
your energy? Folks doing these things?
Speaker 4 (41:39):
What is it holding onto your past mistakes, saying yes
to everyone but yourself, dwelling on what ifs, the fear
of failing, clinging to comfort zones, comparing yourself to others,
overthinking every decision, waiting for someone else to change, the
fear of judgment. And number ten is needing approval from everyone.
Speaker 2 (42:02):
Wow, those are good.
Speaker 1 (42:04):
Those are good because those are all energy vampires that
I have absolutely succumb to multiple times.
Speaker 2 (42:14):
Probably still gonna do it. I'm gonna try not to.
Speaker 3 (42:17):
Folks. Hope you got something that was something you said
earlier and it reminded me of the serenity prayer. I
think we used it not too long ago versus something
you know. I think it was Jamie Lee.
Speaker 2 (42:24):
Curtis after the election.
Speaker 3 (42:27):
I'm talking about leaving Twitter, right, she was so she
used the serenity prayer. But there's a there's another it's
a longer prayer, and there's a part something you said
that made me think of it. But folks don't remember
the next line. Can you can anybody recite the first
part of the serendiy prayer, Lord, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to
(42:48):
change the things I can, and the wisdom to know
the difference.
Speaker 2 (42:52):
Wow, that was very if not verbatim, very close.
Speaker 3 (42:56):
That's the one. But the next line of that serendy
prayer is living one day at a time, enjoying one
moment at a time, and accepting hardships as the pathway
to peace, which I think always is the doper part
of the serenity prayer, but nobody recites.
Speaker 2 (43:14):
Well, thank you for that.
Speaker 1 (43:15):
We can take that with us and we appreciate you
and your words of wisdom, and thank you Andy for
helping us try to do better with our energy and
our mental health, because that is what it's all about
at the end of the day. This is about us
taking care of ourselves and recognizing the moments when we
can do better. And really, when you help yourself, you
(43:36):
help everyone around you.
Speaker 2 (43:37):
So I love this and we.
Speaker 3 (43:38):
Want to say thanks to our other You have been
hearing from our super producer Andy in the room, but
our other super produce of Cilia. You haven't heard her
voice during this podcast, but she has helped so much
just with her facial expressions. She's letting us know if
we're on the right path or hey, guys, you need
to cut this one short. So she's been great in
the room as well. We just want to acknowledge.
Speaker 1 (43:58):
All right, everybody, have a wonderful day. I hope this
helps with your.
Speaker 2 (44:01):
Peace and your harmony in your life.
Speaker 1 (44:04):
You can find us on our official Instagram page at
Amy and TJ Podcast.
Speaker 2 (44:09):
Have a wonderful day, everyone,
Hosts And Creators
Amy Robach
T.J. Holmes
Popular Podcasts
The Breakfast Club
The World's Most Dangerous Morning Show, The Breakfast Club, With DJ Envy And Charlamagne Tha God!
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
Decisions, Decisions
Welcome to "Decisions, Decisions," the podcast where boundaries are pushed, and conversations get candid! Join your favorite hosts, Mandii B and WeezyWTF, as they dive deep into the world of non-traditional relationships and explore the often-taboo topics surrounding dating, sex, and love. Every Monday, Mandii and Weezy invite you to unlearn the outdated narratives dictated by traditional patriarchal norms. With a blend of humor, vulnerability, and authenticity, they share their personal journeys navigating their 30s, tackling the complexities of modern relationships, and engaging in thought-provoking discussions that challenge societal expectations. From groundbreaking interviews with diverse guests to relatable stories that resonate with your experiences, "Decisions, Decisions" is your go-to source for open dialogue about what it truly means to love and connect in today's world. Get ready to reshape your understanding of relationships and embrace the freedom of authentic connections—tune in and join the conversation!