January 27, 2025 • 49 mins
Hi everyone! Welcome to our season finale! I’m excited to close out our third season with two of my favorite people: my sisters Jacqie and Jenicka! Join us for a candid conversation about how our relationship with our mom and dads have shaped who we are today. We’ll also talk about some of the steps we’re taking to actively heal ourselves and how that’s working out.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:10):
Hey, what's up, guys. Welcome to your favorite podcast, Cheese
and Chill. This is sad News bittersweet. It is our
last episode for this season, but we will be back
next season. I have a lot of surprises for you,
so stay tuned. But AnyWho, today's episode is a very
special one. I have two of the most important people
(00:32):
in my life to women that I love very much,
and we're going to talk about everything that has to
do with daddy issues and some ofmmy issues as well.
Maybe you can relate. I don't know, but let's get
into it. Here is my sister, Jacqueline Rivera Campos. We'll
(00:54):
figure it out, okay, Jacqueline, This is my sister Jackie
and Jenna Coelope.
Speaker 2 (01:01):
Hi, guys, I'm excited.
Speaker 1 (01:03):
So I've had them on the podcast before individually, and
now I realized one day, oh my gosh, I hadn't
had them together, and I wanted to talk about things
that I've dealt with and as I'm getting older, are
coming up things that I didn't think or things that
I thought I healed, things that I didn't feel were
(01:23):
an issue, and now I realized, through therapy and everything
that they stem from my childhood so it was my
idea to bring my sisters on and let's talk about
daddy issues. And yesterday on our group chat, I was flying. Yeah,
it was pretty intense on that group chat. I was like,
oh my gosh, thank god I was flying because I
got bombarded with like fifty messages and then Jenica, you
(01:45):
mentioned mommy issues and mind you, guys, this is not
to make our parents look bad in any way. That
is not what we're trying to do. These are real
things that happen, and my mom did her best and
my dad, in a way, I guess, did his best.
I can't speak for them because they're not here to
defend themselves. So this is just what we have lived
(02:06):
and what we've experienced, without making our parents look bad,
because that's not the point here. It's it's something that
really does happen.
Speaker 2 (02:13):
Yeah, And I think people like see it like damn,
like like they take it the wrong way, right, and
it's like it seems like we're excusing it, but it's like, no,
we're not.
Speaker 1 (02:22):
It's not that.
Speaker 2 (02:22):
It's just like I think we've come to a point
of healing, yeah, and understanding that we're able to talk
about it because it's you know, people can it happened.
I feel like it's normal. It happens to everybody.
Speaker 3 (02:33):
Mom issues.
Speaker 2 (02:34):
Everyone has daddy issues, and you know has their own experience.
Speaker 1 (02:37):
Yeah, so I mean talking about that, okay. So daddy issues, okay,
stem from complicated and unhealthy relationships between a father and
a daughter. Whether he was an absent father or abusive,
or there was a healthy bond, all of these can
cause issues in romantic relationships later in life. So that's
what we're going to talk about. Because we hear it
and people throw it around and blah blah blah. But
(02:59):
this is this is real, This is real, and I
can tell you I'll start off. You don't mind because
I'm the eldest. I'm the eldest sister. It really, I think,
more than anything, I started realizing as I got older
that I had issues with abandonment. Abandonment issues and definitely
came from my dad. How he like just disappeared with
(03:23):
like no way of getting hold of him. I did
feel abandoned. I felt abandoned by my mom A couple
of times. I was yeah, we were So I think
those were things that I started showing up in my
relationships where I would maybe push them away first before
they tried, Yeah, before they right, does it happen to
(03:45):
like I'm not gonna get hurt?
Speaker 4 (03:46):
So?
Speaker 1 (03:47):
Yeah? And you know what, I've noticed that I'm I've
gotten better bringing my guards down, like being a little
bit more vulnerable, a lot more vulnerable. I think there's
a lot of power and that I talk about it
here on the podcast all the time, but I've realized
that a lot of things that I let slide with
(04:08):
other people in my relationships, I don't. I'm very very firm,
very very yes. And sometimes I'm like, damn, where does
that come from? Is it? Is it still like? Am
I scared to be a band?
Speaker 2 (04:21):
What do you mean?
Speaker 3 (04:22):
A projective? Like if she gives grace to certain people
when they make mistakes, but not in her romantic relationship,
like she's harsher or harder.
Speaker 1 (04:31):
I am harder. I am harder. And it's more of
like I got this shit, I'm not gonna let you
hurt me sort of things.
Speaker 3 (04:37):
Your defenses are still Yeah.
Speaker 1 (04:40):
So I don't know, and I don't like that because
it's like it's not cool for them to feel I
don't know, immedial like they're paying the price for right right,
And he's told me that before, and I have gotten better,
But there are things that I just don't tolerate elsewhere,
but in my relationship. I mean I tolerate elsewhere, but
in my relationship, I'm like, I'm very very stern. I
(05:03):
don't know how to I don't know what.
Speaker 2 (05:04):
Yeah, I don't know where that would be from though,
Like I don't get where it's.
Speaker 3 (05:07):
I think it's a defense mechanism. Yeah, sure, I don't
know if it has to do with maybe it has
to do with abandonment, like you feel like.
Speaker 2 (05:16):
Or maybe that you're just at a point that you're
not going to tolerate.
Speaker 3 (05:21):
You can't.
Speaker 2 (05:22):
You just don't have the capacity to tolerate it in
a relationship anymore because like you've already been through.
Speaker 1 (05:29):
So much there Maybe Yeah, now I think I'm like
it's my age, but through a lot I know what
I want. I know I'm not going to deal with
It's kind of like either you're here to give exactly
what I give, or because a.
Speaker 2 (05:41):
Relationship you're with that person every single day. Yeah, like
you can tolerate it somewhere else exactly, you could tolerate
someone somewhere else because you're not never gonna be with
that person.
Speaker 1 (05:51):
Yeah, you know what I mean.
Speaker 2 (05:53):
But I don't know where that would come from.
Speaker 1 (05:54):
I know it's just something that came up, I guess,
but yeah, I mean it's it is a defense mechanism,
but it's also I feel like with the abandonment thing,
I'm a lot better. You are a lot better.
Speaker 2 (06:05):
Okay, what But it's weird because.
Speaker 1 (06:10):
I don't say I.
Speaker 2 (06:11):
Wanted to sound rude, okay, but I think we all
equally do not like to be alone. You push people away,
but you don't like to be alone.
Speaker 1 (06:19):
But you know what I swear to you, I feel
like not that I want to be alone now, but
before I couldn't. Before I didn't like to be alone.
I needed someone, whether it be an assistant, a friend,
or I was always with someone. I didn't want to
feel the absence. And then when I got separated my
first marriage, that really did teach me to be alone.
And it's okay, and I can get through anything. But yeah,
(06:42):
I know I do better in relationships, like I'm a
serial monogamous, Like I like love, I love love. I
do better being in a relationship than not being in
a relationship.
Speaker 2 (06:53):
But I was saying, it's interesting how you have like
the abandonment, but you push people away, but you want
to be with somebody, you know what I mean?
Speaker 1 (07:01):
But why they'll because I don't see this is the thing?
This is you guys, we didn't plan this. We're just like, seriously,
she's done my cards down. I was like, you know
what if this, I'm just gonna have a conversation with
my sisters. This is real and I don't even know
where this conversation is gonna go. It's just I just
wanted to talk to my sisters and I and I
was thinking about that because I feel like in friendships
(07:23):
or other people in my life without saying names, and
I know you guys know who I might be talking about,
there are things that I don't like about the person,
that don't make me feel good, that don't sit in
my spirit, but I keep them around, Like what why?
But in a relationship you're ready to like, I'm like
that you got off.
Speaker 2 (07:41):
Because I don't think you can tolerate it in that area. Yes,
in the relationship love area, you can't tolerate anything.
Speaker 3 (07:49):
I think it's I don't know if you can't tolerate it.
I think it's that your relationship is the place you're supposed.
Speaker 2 (07:55):
To feel safest exactly, and.
Speaker 3 (07:57):
When they do ship that makes you so so sorry,
no say ship. When they do things that makes you
feel unsafe, you're like, no, I'm not gonna do that.
But it's not that it's because you love them less.
It's because they're supposed to be your safest and it
reminds you of when you you first didn't feel.
Speaker 2 (08:13):
Safe because the other people you can keep them out exactly.
Speaker 1 (08:20):
Not as a relationship, okay, yeah, because which I think
is really crazy.
Speaker 3 (08:28):
Like I think not having a dad, because there's different
types of daddy issues you can know, and ours was
completely absent. He was gone. You know, I think you
remember more than I do. But it's crazy that not
having a father is something that stole our feminine energy,
like and then having a mother that was who she
(08:50):
was and as strong as she was. It's like we're
a double battling. I didn't think that fathers are the
ones that teach their daughters to have feminine energy, but
they do if they love.
Speaker 1 (09:00):
You right, if they love you right.
Speaker 2 (09:02):
Yeah, And that is I feel like that's my problem
in dating right now, is that I do not know
how to be more feminine.
Speaker 1 (09:13):
MM it's hard, very hard. I'm finally in my stepped
into my feminine energy with them because he makes me
feel safe. Because and if I don't feel safe, dude,
I don't know, some toxic as sh it comes out.
But because I feel safe with him, I'm able to
step into submissiveness doesn't feel yeah, and I feel like, okay,
(09:37):
I want to make this person happy. I feel like
I never thought that I was going to change my name.
I am Janey Sanchez now officially. He and I was like,
can I be Jene Mariene Sanchez And he's like, no,
I want you to be Sanchez completely. And I was like, okay,
he deserves it. Okay, fine, I'll do it.
Speaker 3 (09:52):
And someone else do you know what?
Speaker 1 (09:58):
It's just thank you so much. Finally I can be
like fuck, I can rest like a breathe bitch, like
you know, like I feel like, oh, thank you so so.
But yes, Jenny. But here's the thing. It's interesting because Jackie,
our experience with our dad is weird, and I don't
know if you guys can like.
Speaker 3 (10:17):
Ours is very different, always different. I fell into people
pleasing because I didn't want to lose more people.
Speaker 2 (10:24):
I was pleaser too, though I agree with that too.
I felt like because I lost both of my parents,
I had to like I had. That was my fear
of abandonment, and because Mom wasn't always present. Yeah, Mom
was always gone.
Speaker 3 (10:37):
She's a busy guy.
Speaker 2 (10:38):
I relied on Mom to be both my mom and dad,
and she couldn't be. So it's kind of like damn,
like I don't like, I don't know, it's weird.
Speaker 1 (10:50):
Do you remember your relationship with your dad?
Speaker 2 (10:53):
I remember bits and pieces. I know that I was loved.
Do I remember filling love? I don't remember. I only
know that I'm loved because everyone tells me, you know
what I mean.
Speaker 1 (11:07):
Yeah, so it's harder.
Speaker 2 (11:08):
But that's also because my memories my dad passed away
when I was eleven, when I was Johnny's age, when
Mom passed away. So it's a lot of like it,
you know.
Speaker 1 (11:18):
Yeah, so you don't have like specific no, but I.
Speaker 2 (11:20):
Know I don't remember any like him hurting me or anything.
Speaker 1 (11:23):
But I do remember her so much.
Speaker 2 (11:25):
I do remember a lot of him and Mom's relationship,
you know, like they were friends, but it wasn't. I
never saw like a loving relationship. Ever, I've never seen
a healthy marriage in my life. I don't think any
of us have. No, No, I've never.
Speaker 1 (11:43):
Like so I was so scared to get married for
so long. Yeah, it is, I mean, okay, because he
and the second part of that question is because obviously
the dad of that I'm talking about is Juan Lopez,
which to me, that's your father without taking anything away
from her biological father. But when that happened, when that
came about you and you found out, I know you
(12:05):
went through a lot. Did you feel what did how
did that affect you in the way you see relationships
or even mom or your or Juan Lopez your dad process. Yeah,
I don't know.
Speaker 2 (12:20):
I think I things come up to this day, like
as in relationships, Like I'm just like I don't know,
Like I'm so good by myself and I think that's
a problem. Like I know how to be by myself
that I can be home for like a week and
not want to go out or whatever, and I'm fine
(12:41):
with that, but I think that's a thing, like I'm
scared to go out and like be rejected or like
also those people go away as well, like you rather
not even like I'm comfortable with, yes, exactly, I'm comfortable
with where I'm at and like my friend and like
I'm okay in my space, like I don't need it,
(13:03):
But then I want attention. I want to be in
a relationship, but I don't like And I think that's because, like,
I'm so used to not having those figures in my.
Speaker 1 (13:12):
Life, right, so it's to me yeaeah.
Speaker 2 (13:15):
So like and I'm so used to being my own
like I like, I'm used to being my own boss.
Like I don't like I don't have to like you know,
I don't have to tell exactly, but you're willing. I'm willing.
Speaker 1 (13:27):
I'm absolutely willing because that's yeah, because being too independent,
i've learned is not is not good in a relationship either.
And that's what we saw with Mom. And I've realized
respectfully that I have. I looked and I was thinking,
cause I know we were going to talk about this.
I feel like I do have more mommy issues and
daddy issues. Why. I think because we spent more time
with mom. Mom had to be our mom and our dad.
So that's why I'm like so compassionate about her. Now
(13:50):
that I step back and I'm like it wasn't easy
being in her position. She needed to be tough. She
needed this because if she wasn't even femininis exactly, she
couldn't because the guys that she chose.
Speaker 2 (14:01):
And I think that it comes off like we're just
like very like oh, the independence, Like we're just like, yeah,
we don't take anything. We don't. I don't think any
of us like no for an answer, Like we're just.
Speaker 1 (14:13):
Like we have very very strong characters, and.
Speaker 2 (14:17):
That comes off intimidating, like all of us and like, yeah,
it's sister comes off intimidating.
Speaker 1 (14:22):
At least you are now. Yeah, yeah, you stepped into
your own for sure. Before you were a lot more submissive.
I feel like there's balance, you know.
Speaker 3 (14:34):
I do feel like I don't like to hear no,
So that's that's unpull.
Speaker 4 (14:39):
That's like you're just like like, oh, like I don't know,
like your's I feel like, and I said it to
everybody in the group chat the other day, it's like
we've I feel like we've gone through too much already
where we're just over it and we're not going to take.
Speaker 1 (14:53):
It, like yeah, we're not going to take people's bs exactly.
Speaker 3 (14:57):
And more everything that we've lived.
Speaker 2 (15:00):
That's also like exactly, that's why when you were saying
about like in your relationship, like you're tolering things, because
we're just already like, yeah, been through too much to.
Speaker 1 (15:10):
Like, Yeah, I think finally in my relationship, I'm I'm
still a strong woman and he knows it and he
likes it. But I've also learned to be soft because
a man needs that. You need to feed the king
and a man in order for him to give you everything.
It took me a long time to learn that. But also, yes,
he also knows as much as I love him, if
(15:32):
there's something that's not making me happy, if I don't
feel emotional stability, if I don't feel safe security, if
I don't have those things, and almost as Conki stando,
which is where the whole Patando song came from, because
I'm like, I need that I know myself. I need
you to always don't catch my standard. Don't get comfortable
(15:53):
and vice versa. I can, yes, don't get comfortable where
you feel. Oh, I have her in my I know
myself and I know what I like and if you're
not giving it to me, I'm not saying that I'm
gonna go out and get it. But I know my
history and I know I'm like, if you're not feeding
all of this, I would I'll do the same for you. Yeah,
the I wonders, And that's why we got it. On
(16:16):
my end, I want to take care of him and
make sure he has everything he needs and make sure
that he's getting late as much as he wants to
get late, and you know, feeding him and taking the
time to make his coffee, all those little things, leaving notes,
all that stuff so he doesn't have to look anywhere else.
But it took me a long time to accept that
and be like what, because I would be like, why
is this pattern? Why does this keep happening? Because there's
(16:37):
things that I needed to change from things that I
saw in my childhood because I never saw a healthy
relationship either, and we had said we want to break
the shit.
Speaker 3 (16:44):
But I didn't want to add if all you guys remember,
I wanted to add that. I think it also where
you're at now. It's work that you've done, but are
also a lot of what he's done. He's he's not
intimidated by the strong woman that you are. No, it
(17:04):
still allows you to be who you are. You're strong
because you saw mom be that way because of how
life molded you. But then because he's not intimidated and
he embraces that, it allows you to just sit back
and like okay, and I want to yes, because you're
not having to guard that person. You're like, Okay, let's
venture into what it could be like to be feminine
and leving in some you know, yes, that.
Speaker 1 (17:25):
He's not like, he's not right. He doesn't feel inadequate,
he doesn't feel inferior, he doesn't feel those things. And
it's like he knows who he is and that helps.
Speaker 3 (17:42):
So because because you know we we we had a
crazy traumatic like upbringing and we're all together and we
have siblings or whatever. And what's the difference you see
in Emilio because he's an only child and like, is
he as broken as we are? No?
Speaker 1 (18:01):
I think he's done a lot of the work.
Speaker 2 (18:03):
Because he doesn't have does he have daddy? Just because
he doesn't have his dad and his life either.
Speaker 1 (18:09):
Right seem like it? It doesn't seem like it. But
because he had a very present Nino, his mom's brother,
was stepped in and was like a dad. And not
only that, there's two brothers. Yeah, two brothers and they
stepped in a lot of the family. They're very close,
so they all helped him, and he never felt like
he was missing a dad, I think because he always had. Yeah,
(18:31):
they're honestly, his mom dide a wonderful job with him.
Mind joymedia will sit here and tell you. He's like, oh,
I was an narcissist and I was this, and I
was jealous and really oh yeah, yes, no way, yeah,
it's insane. He's like, I know people can change, but
you have to recognize it first. He's like, I was
a narcissist, I was I cheated, I was a liar,
I was this. I was that. He's like, but I
was ready to say I want something different, and then
(18:53):
you came into my life and I would it so
happened to be that. I was ready, you know. I
was like, I'm ready to do this, and that's why
I think it's worked.
Speaker 3 (19:01):
But he don't got this just what we got.
Speaker 1 (19:05):
It doesn't seem like it. No, he doesn't, Yeah, right,
he doesn't. He doesn't realize like I mean, I think
I think with being with me, He's like, oh, shoot,
like all this happens in families at least didn't scare
him away. It didn't.
Speaker 2 (19:23):
I have a lot of baggage.
Speaker 3 (19:25):
Yeah, and I feel like I'm going to be too much.
Speaker 1 (19:27):
You will find the person that is willing to carry
the bags with you, and that's what help you. Yeah.
Speaker 3 (19:34):
See him be a little toxic and I'm like yeah,
and then he's just very patient and I'm like.
Speaker 1 (19:39):
Wow, yeah, I'm yes, yes. The one thing that he
is but I think it works out for me is
that he's needy. Oh and I love that. And it's
like sometimes I'm like, okay, babe, we're both very needy
of attention and touch and this and that, and it works.
But it took so long to get to them. Wait,
(20:00):
you know, like to like.
Speaker 3 (20:01):
Like to find someone, you know, I like to get
that because then if you're too needy, then you feel like, man,
this person is feel like this.
Speaker 1 (20:10):
Yeah, yeah, you know what I mean. But you turned
out when you met him thirty thirty five, thirty six.
Speaker 3 (20:19):
Okay, Yeah, I'm to wait for someone to like match
your energy.
Speaker 1 (20:23):
Yeah, But I've also realized that it's because I had
a lot of things I needed to heal. I needed
to heal a lot of things, and I would overcompensate
a lot of relationships because in a way, I don't
want you to leave, you know, I want like such
a crappy yeah yeah. So wait, what do you have
any daddy issues.
Speaker 3 (20:40):
Checkie, Yeah I do. I'm I'm a sick validation and
that blinds you when you're when you don't, it blinds
you from seeing the red flags, like.
Speaker 2 (20:52):
You excuse behavior.
Speaker 1 (20:54):
Yeah. Same, That's what I used to do.
Speaker 3 (20:58):
Yeah, because I'm just want somebody I want, you.
Speaker 1 (21:01):
Know, yeah, yeah yeah.
Speaker 3 (21:05):
And if the person, if the person detaches, then I
feel like I'm gonna overcompensate, like let me, let me
show you, let me prove to you.
Speaker 1 (21:14):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (21:15):
So now my question is is how are you showing
that to Jayla?
Speaker 3 (21:20):
You know what, because you have already No, I feel
an urgency. I feel an urgency to heal something about
because I'm married or I felt like, oh I'm healed. No,
not at all. And I can see the same patterns
in Jaila, and I thought it was insane because she
(21:42):
has two dads and I was like, oh, she's she's good,
She's not gonna have this shoes I have. But that's
not the case. Yeah, so I have to be an example,
and I need there's like a sense of urgency, like
you need to get it together because I can see
certain things. Yeah, that sucks, but we're gonna get there.
We're gon we're gonna get better, We're gonna heal.
Speaker 1 (22:04):
Yeah, because I'm What I try to figure out is
it's okay because we had dad, right, we had Dad.
Didn't sound weird, but he was a really good dad.
He was attentive. He wanted to see us every weekend,
like he wanted to be in our lives. Yeah, and
he had no issue with cooking for us. And I
(22:26):
learned a lot of my organization skills come from Dadow.
Mind you he did what he did, you know he had.
I feel like it's a it's a sickness. Yeah, soon,
I don't know, you know so, But then he left.
So I've been trying to think about, like, Okay, I
had this. I have a dad that loves me.
Speaker 3 (22:49):
I feel like you compartmentalized like the dad that loves you.
Because there's things, certain things that I remember. I don't
remember a lot, but there's certain things I do remember.
And it was fun, it was pretty. It was like music.
Speaker 1 (22:59):
I just remember thought about music.
Speaker 3 (23:01):
Yeah, yeah, but then then there's the other side. So
but that's probably are analyzing.
Speaker 2 (23:08):
Are you excusing it? I don't think so, no excusing
what like I'm saying, like, does this fallen excusing behavior
because he because he was a good dad, but he
also did what he did.
Speaker 3 (23:20):
Yeah, so a lot of people would say we are
And sometimes I think like, is this a trauma response?
Because I want to forgive and I don't want to
hold a grudge. But again, You've never been that way.
Speaker 1 (23:35):
I've never been one to like hold grudges or anything like.
Speaker 3 (23:39):
That to anyone who's hurt you, not just this person.
Speaker 1 (23:41):
And to like to a fault because sometimes some people
don't deserve to come back into my life. And I
just keep it's okay, it's okay, and I kept allowing
it and still his day.
Speaker 3 (23:51):
Is that a trauma response from what we lived? I
don't know.
Speaker 1 (23:53):
I don't know.
Speaker 3 (23:54):
It's so much it's like a yeah.
Speaker 2 (23:57):
I think it's also that we I mean, maybe I'll
speak for myself. I know that I'm not a perfect
person and I've made mistakes as well, so it's like
we overextend grace. I know that people can change. Yeah,
so it's like we also hope that you know, that
(24:21):
person changes.
Speaker 1 (24:23):
Like we have that faith, yes, exactly, the doubt.
Speaker 2 (24:26):
Because we've changed or we know we've done things or
you know. Yeah, so I don't know at least that's
just me.
Speaker 1 (24:32):
Yeah, I mean we're figuring this out as as we're here. Guys,
we don't have all of the answers. And I think
that's something I'm going to ask Tanya, my therapist. I'm
going to talk to her about it, like, hey, and
it's weird because I feel like, in a way I've
healed a lot of it. It's a lot better, but
there's still little things that linger that if I don't
(24:52):
continue and I don't like exercise it like it's a
muscle my therapy, then I start, you start, you know,
backtracking a little bit, and I've not sound like I
need to stay on top of it. Yeah, you know,
I need to stay on top of it to be
to get checked to just you know, get that reality
check I guess of because these are things that are
that are just I guess in in a way.
Speaker 3 (25:15):
Like in the depths of us it's generous, it's.
Speaker 1 (25:18):
A yeah exactly, So I'm like, okay, if.
Speaker 3 (25:20):
They didn't do it, then it's our job to heal
and break it. And once you have children, I'm not
even joking, it's like a mirror, Like you'll see them
this Riandos in the good stuff and in the bad stuff,
and then you have to ask yourself, wait, do I
do that? Is that like something learned? And a lot
of the times it's like we think we're good people
(25:41):
because we don't, you know, do certain things, or we
don't steal, or we don't do these things. But like
once you see your kid, I'm like, shoot, like damn,
I gotta I gotta fix this because I still do that.
Speaker 1 (25:54):
Yeah, but that's why I think I waited so long
to have because is.
Speaker 3 (25:59):
It like you're waiting to get be better?
Speaker 1 (26:01):
So that honestly, it wasn't even that. Now that I'm older,
now I'm like, Okay, now I feel like I've done
the work. I think that I can hopefully raise a
super child. You know, in my mind, obviously things are
going to happen. But I'm like, Okay, I feel ready.
But for so long I was afraid. I was I
don't want to have the same problems I had with
(26:25):
for instance, Mom, I'm telling you like I had a
lot more because I was so close to Mom and
live so much longer with her that I guess there
are more issues there because thatad just did what you know,
and he left, you know. So I think for that
for a long time, I was just more afraid of
even having a daughter, exactly repeat the cycle. Now I'm
not afraid. Now I feel better about it, but I
(26:47):
think for sure, I'm like, I need to figure this
out before I even bring another child into the world.
Speaker 2 (26:54):
I think it's also understanding that we I think we're
learning as we're we're growing on we're learning right now
in this moment, like we're we've come to realization things
and I think that's gonna happen and for a long time,
I think for the rest of our lives, like we're
gonna learn something about ourselves and then we're gonna see
where it comes from. And it's like, Okay, yeah, how
am I gonna fix it now here in this in
(27:17):
this in this time of my life before my daughter
or even with you, Like how are you gonna heal
that part of you with Jayla? Now that she's fifteen.
So it's like I think we're all like, yeah, I
don't think it's ever gonna stop, Like the healing isn't
ever gonna stop.
Speaker 1 (27:33):
Yeah, No, We're always there's always gonna be something, you
know where I always say we we we evolve and
we grow and you know the whole thing. So, Jenny,
do you feel Jennica so called Jenny, do you feel
that you, like you said, it's more of the rejection
(27:55):
thing because I've always looked at you like, I'm glad
that Jenica learn from us, you know, and you learned
like even like Johnny tells me this all the time,
He's like, I saw certain things and I grew up
and I knew what I did want and what I
didn't want, thanks to my siblings and my older siblings.
So did you do you feel that way with you?
Speaker 2 (28:15):
I feel like because I wasn't welcome. No, I feel
like because I didn't see it and mom, like I
didn't see a healthy You know, I did have to
learn from you guys and your guys's boyfriends and also
living you know. No, And I don't say it like no, no, no,
but I did have a lot to learn from even
(28:36):
from my brother, you know how you know, how you
guys treat your partners or whatever, like I had to
just as it wasn't like intentionally, but it's also like
I know what I want and how I want to
be treated and what I'm looking for. Yeah, you know,
(28:56):
And it's like you guys, you know, your older sister.
Speaker 1 (29:00):
Yeah, And but I'm proud of you for that because
I see it.
Speaker 3 (29:03):
More of.
Speaker 1 (29:05):
What I pray for all the time for you is
for you not to go through what we went through,
and that when that guy comes around, he's ready. I don't.
I don't want you to go through the heartbreaks that
we went through. You know, like I don't have the capacity.
Speaker 2 (29:20):
I don't have it. That's why I think, like I
haven't dated in so long because I can't.
Speaker 1 (29:26):
You can't fathom going. I can't.
Speaker 2 (29:27):
I don't want to. Like I'm tired.
Speaker 1 (29:30):
Because you've been through so much. I'm just your dad,
your mom, the whole thing. Yeah, it's okay, it's okay, no,
but that I feel like you're gonna You're not meant
to go through what we went through. You're you're a
lot smarter, I feel, and I say that with so
much respect, but you're so much smarter, You're so independent,
like and I'm not just saying this because you're my
(29:51):
baby sister and I fucking love you, but I feel
like everyone can see you're gorgeous, but not only that,
like you have so many great things to give that
I'm like, I just want that guy to already be ready.
He's preparing himself the way you have, so that once
you guys come together, you don't have to go through
the bullshit we went through. It's like, like, no, you
have been through a lot already, but I just wanted
(30:12):
to know. I'm like, okay, because I know you're not picky.
You just you know what you want.
Speaker 2 (30:16):
I think, but it comes off as picky, and I
think that's the like that's frustrating.
Speaker 3 (30:20):
Yeah, but I think for a long like it might
come off as she's guarded. But I think she's probably
because she has the softest heart then even us. And
it looks like, oh no.
Speaker 1 (30:33):
She's just because we wear a heart on our sleeves, yes,
and which is not my emotions.
Speaker 3 (30:39):
Is not guarding our heart yea, and that's how we
get hurt.
Speaker 1 (30:42):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (30:44):
Do you feel like you didn't have any standards? I
feel like I didn't have any standards. I feel like
you do.
Speaker 1 (30:50):
You have standards. Standards, yes, and that's good. See, I
guess I didn't. I didn't. Now that I think about it,
it's like.
Speaker 3 (30:57):
Did you just receive whatever kind of love or was
there like a was there like a list of like
this is what I want, this is what I because
I know she has her list.
Speaker 4 (31:06):
I know.
Speaker 3 (31:07):
I don't know if I had.
Speaker 1 (31:09):
I didn't have a list until all the heartbreaks, until
I had I hard headed, went through this, that that,
and continued with that pattern until I said I'm done
with this. I'm I don't want done, I don't want
this again, like I need what the hell am I doing?
Until I went boom, Janey, what do you need to change?
(31:34):
And then that's when everything changed for me. But I
didn't have standards. I didn't like, oh I want a
guy that, this and that, Like I was just like,
oh love, oh okay.
Speaker 2 (31:44):
Hug me, love me.
Speaker 1 (31:45):
And I feel like it has to do with Mom
and I were like business partners. She was more of
like it was business with mom and in that aspect,
and of course Dad wasn't there, so it was just
always busy, busy, busy.
Speaker 3 (31:58):
You're trying to fill that cup.
Speaker 1 (32:00):
If someone was like, oh oh, I think you're cute.
I can say all the words and yeah and now now,
which I'm glad that Janaka didn't hap to go to
that because Jeneka I think song was like hold up,
heck no, I'm not yes.
Speaker 3 (32:12):
And I'm proud of her. I too, am like me
too and.
Speaker 2 (32:16):
Her is in the room her, I'm proud of you.
Speaker 3 (32:20):
Because as I am, like, it's crazy, like even within myself,
I think I was. My life goal was to like,
I need to be a wife. I need to be married,
because I didn't have that, so I wanted to fill
that void. And my mommy issues were that I wanted
to be the exact opposite of her. I don't want
to be anything like her. It turns out I'm a
lot like her.
Speaker 1 (32:41):
And then until.
Speaker 3 (32:42):
Later, until it was like twenty sixteen, twenty seventeen, that
I was like, wait, Jackie, what were you? What are
you here for? Who were you? Because I came into
this world alone. I came into this world with a purpose,
and I did. I had never asked myself that question
until like twenty sixteen. And then it's like.
Speaker 1 (33:00):
Shoot, like a whole new world.
Speaker 3 (33:02):
And then you start investing in yourself and healing yourself,
and then that kind of pushes people away from you.
Mm hmm.
Speaker 1 (33:10):
That's crazy because I was on the complete opposite, like
you wanted to be married and be the wife and
have be the mom and the whole thing, have a
stable home, and I was like, I don't know if
I never really cared about getting married and this and that.
I was like, Oh, if it happens, great, I'm like,
you know, and I was like, and if it doesn't work,
it doesn't work next. Yeah, for so long. And that's
(33:32):
also not that's a whole lot. That's not healthy either,
because when I remember, Yeah, when I would ask you,
I'm like, sister, can you do that?
Speaker 3 (33:38):
Oh?
Speaker 1 (33:38):
You were being a good wife.
Speaker 3 (33:40):
Well, I think it also depends on because I'm trying
to I'm like, we had the same parents, and it
seems like we probably had the same traumas, but it
wasn't because you in mom's life were someone else. You
were a different position in her life than I was.
Speaker 1 (33:55):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (33:56):
Yeah, which is crazy as to like it's parallel, but
it's not.
Speaker 2 (34:01):
Right.
Speaker 3 (34:02):
That's insane.
Speaker 1 (34:09):
I think it's just knowing what we really want and
being able to communicate that with our partners. And say
this is what I want, this is what I'm willing
to give, this is what I expect. What do you expect?
It's yeah, let's figure this out so that it fits.
Speaker 3 (34:22):
And neither you said that like knowing what you really want.
Someone asked me that the other day, like what do
you want? And I'm like, or what do you think
you deserve? And I'm like, I don't know, Like that's
crazy to not know, like I have it. I'm thirty
five years old and to like not, No, it's freaking crazy.
(34:45):
That's crazy.
Speaker 1 (34:48):
Sorry, it's okay.
Speaker 3 (34:51):
And there's like a sense of urgency because it's crazy.
You think you're healed and you're not. There's still so
much like to dig deep and heal, and I feel
like a lot of it was like a band aid,
Like you think having a family and being married, it's
like that's healed because it's not what it's what I
didn't have, but you didn't go through the process. And
(35:13):
I see it in Jayla and like I need to
figure out how to answer this question so that she doesn't.
I still have time, thank god, Yeah, so that she
doesn't do the same thing, because sadly, I'm not trying
to talk crap, but her dad is not like showing
her and that even showed like that, I'm like, why
why is she acting out? She has a father here,
(35:34):
he's present and he loves her and he picks her
up on the weekends, but it's like he's he still
hasn't gone through his process. So no matter what, in
my head, I was like, as long as she has
a dad, she's gonna be good because I didn't have one.
But it's not the case.
Speaker 1 (35:49):
Yeah, that's wild. Sorry, no, no, no, it's true. I
I yeah, it's it's yeah. I think we're just out
here just trying to do our best. We were just
trying to do our best.
Speaker 3 (36:03):
You know, I didn't really believe in the reparenting yourself.
You have to it's not but yeah.
Speaker 1 (36:10):
Yeah, and sometimes in certain cases, like for instances like Emilio,
you know, he didn't. He never really felt he needed
a dad. So it's like he could have had his dad,
and what if his dad would have made done more
damage and he was not in his life and he
is who he is. I mean, he's not obviously perfect,
but I feel, honestly, I think we should be proud
(36:34):
in him too. Like the type of man that he is,
given that he didn't have a father and everything we've
been through, we could be a lot worse. Guys, like
I think about it all the time, like right or so,
I feel like I feel like things could always be worse,
and I feel.
Speaker 3 (36:50):
But I do. I don't want to minimize what live.
Speaker 1 (36:55):
No no, no more no. But I'm saying like we
could have gone a complete opposite way given the parts
that we were dealt.
Speaker 3 (37:01):
I think what you mean and to add on to
what you're saying is that our hearts are still good.
Speaker 1 (37:06):
M H. We can sit here and have this conversation
and as we're speaking, realizing certain things and not and
feel vulnerable. That's like I feel like there's that's the
first step in healing and changing is accepting. And we're
sitting here having this hard conversation that some people may
not understand, that some people may be like and it
(37:28):
sucks because we're talking about our experiences and what we've
gone through. But it's hard because our mother is this huge,
amazing figure that people think we're talking crap. But if
our mom wasn't and we were able to speak about it,
but it's like, why can't we speak about our truth
and still respect us and still respect her and still
love her. I have so much more at the end
(37:51):
of the day. Yeah, she was a normal person and
she was doing her best, you know, And yeah, and
that's why it's Yeah, do.
Speaker 3 (38:00):
You think she was trying to find a man for
the boys, because that's a big difference. Like, I mean,
Mikey's very much like a Melia in the sense of
like I didn't need him, but he didn't have a
father figure, so there's a lot of things he didn't
learn and he's teaching himself.
Speaker 2 (38:19):
I think had a hard time. I think maybe because
I she probably didn't know how to raise boys.
Speaker 1 (38:31):
But she always did tell me, She's like, they don't
need their dad, they have enough mother with me. She
would always say, like they didn't not necessarily.
Speaker 3 (38:40):
There's a mistake in them. And she wouldn't.
Speaker 1 (38:42):
Sometimes let the boyfriends. Yeah, there was too much pressure
on her where she was like, these are my kids?
Are my goddamn kids. And she would say, she's like,
it's my responsibility. I don't need you to come into
my life to raise my kids. I got that, I
need you to come into my life to love me.
Speaker 2 (38:58):
That comes from grandpa kicking her out. That comes from
the men abusing her, leaving these men like I don't
need men, fuck men andy shit like type like yeah,
which in her ego like I did it all by myself.
Speaker 3 (39:14):
And and there's a lot of single mothers out there
who are doing it by themselves. But that doesn't mean that,
and that doesn't mean that if they are like that,
it's wrong. I don't I don't want to. I want
to correct that. But it's also like there's a man
to teach, Like there's certain things as a woman we
just don't know exactly. And I know onm did her best,
but I know that my brother's lacked. Yeah, and that's
(39:37):
you know, I don't know.
Speaker 1 (39:39):
Yeah, but I'm proud of her still me too, Me too.
I I always say this. I was like I didn't
have the perfect mother, but I had the perfect mother
for me, like the mother that I needed, because if
she hadn't been so strict with me and her lessons,
I don't know who I would have been today, you know.
And and that's why I try like to step back
and just look at her life and understand her. And
(40:02):
she did her best, and that's that, you know.
Speaker 2 (40:06):
No I think that now it's like recognizing that we
do have these issues. I don't like calling them issues
because it sounds negative. I think they're just a part
of us that we you know, that we recognize. Yeah,
it's recognizing those those parts of us and fixing it
and knowing what we deserve exactly.
Speaker 1 (40:27):
Yeah, knowing what we deserve, what we want, what we
can change, recognizing it, accepting it, and yeah, I mean,
it took me a long time to get to this point,
to be like, what do I really want, you know?
And what is my heart really craving? And I think
it's because I had to be an adult since I
(40:49):
was so little. Now I want someone to take care
of me emotionally because I've had to be strong forever
forever that now at least I can communicate what works
for me. But it took a long time time to
get to that point. And I told the media from
the very beginning, this is a type of relationship I need.
I need to feel just wanted and cared for, and
(41:09):
you're going to take care of me so I could
just relax. Because I've had to be a mother, I've
had to be like so grown up. There's a Chiquita,
and I think once but again, I had to like
I thought I needed to be strong. I thought I
was an independent woman. I thought like, yes, yes, that's
all cool, But I don't want to be an independent,
strong woman that's alone. And what do I have to
(41:31):
do to change that? You know, to be different in
my relationships? So okay, I'm going to start with you, sister.
What is something that you're doing now to not fall
back into the people pleasing, into the validation all that stuff.
(41:52):
Is there something in particular that you're doing.
Speaker 3 (41:58):
I think that I'm in a season. I've been in
a season of losing a lot of people because there
were a safety blanket. So I kind of feel like
I didn't necessarily step into like I'm going to start
my hating journey. It kind of just happened because I
think that was my biggest fear of like I don't
(42:19):
want to lose any more people. I'm going to do
whatever I need to do to keep people. I'm going
to be forgiving. I'm going to over communicate, which I
feel like sometimes over communicating is a I thought communicatings.
Speaker 1 (42:31):
It does, especially as over community.
Speaker 3 (42:33):
So I'm learning I'm asking myself what do I need
to communicate? What am I trying to over explain to
keep people. I'm learning to say no, which was probably
one of the hardest things because it feels so bad
to say no and to set a boundary, which because
of what we've gone through sexual abuse, that you don't
know how to have boundaries. So I've just barely started learning,
(42:57):
but learning to say no. I'm asking myself when I
need to explain and when I don't and not. I'm
learning not to make excuses for people whoa which is
really hard.
Speaker 2 (43:12):
Making excuses that's hard to.
Speaker 3 (43:17):
Pay attention to. You have to be actually aware.
Speaker 1 (43:20):
Yeah, you have to be.
Speaker 2 (43:22):
And I think overall, I think, if anything, I've learned
to be more self aware, like how am I acting?
M And then I start seeing how that person's acting
and looking at really recognizing what red flags are and
not excusing those ones. You know, you're like, oh, like
if it's a red flag, it's a red flag.
Speaker 3 (43:41):
Don't try to make it paint.
Speaker 2 (43:42):
Yeah, don't squint your eyes to make it green.
Speaker 1 (43:47):
I know, is it yellow or orange?
Speaker 2 (43:51):
And you know what? For me, I think it's to
stop seeing the potential, like I'm tired.
Speaker 3 (43:58):
Of like waste years of your life.
Speaker 2 (44:00):
Yes, like I do not want to wait for you
to change or like you know, I don't know, so
I don't know.
Speaker 1 (44:08):
Just trying that was my thing. I thought I could
fix everyone and everything. It's like, I'll fix him, I'll
fix it. Maybe he needs me, uh huh, he needs
me to help him, Like, that's not my responsibilit It's
a huge freaking load to carry. And it's like, hold up,
I have my baggage. You have your baggage, Yes, immediate,
can you help me carry my bags? But they're really
(44:30):
like not yours, so they're like but it's just like yeah, yeah.
Speaker 3 (44:36):
With the amount of bags you.
Speaker 2 (44:42):
The amount of luggage that you take on a ch
it's really crazy.
Speaker 3 (44:47):
Safety.
Speaker 1 (44:48):
Yeah, it's a safety.
Speaker 2 (44:50):
You overpake somewhere. You always want to make something your home.
Speaker 1 (44:54):
Like yeah, I guess so it's true.
Speaker 2 (44:57):
It's beautiful, that's fine.
Speaker 1 (44:59):
I take everything. I take it. You want any sense
and I want to feel at home. Yeah I need that.
If not, then, especially with as much as I travel,
if I don't, I think i'd probably go a little
quick gray, you know, more than I have this past year. Yeah,
it's triggering for you yeah, yeah, So I mean, I
guess it's my turn.
Speaker 3 (45:19):
What are you doing? What have you done? Because you
are already in your fast I.
Speaker 2 (45:22):
Know you're already married. You're married. What do you feel
like you're doing now like that that you have to learn?
Like now that you're married, You're like, okay, now I'm
recognizing this, Like.
Speaker 1 (45:34):
I am learning to put myself in other people's shoes
and his shoes if there's something I could be a
little snappy sometimes because of the stress and everything, and
he'll tell me, hey, I don't like the way you
just talk to me. And I didn't realize that sometimes
I could be annoyed, and I'm just like I snap.
(45:54):
That's another thing I don't do with everyone else. It's
just with my partner and I have like a short
few you know. So I'm like starting to put myself
in his shoes and I'm like okay, And I'm really
good with apologizing, Like I don't want to be prideful,
and I check my heart and my ego and I'm like, okay,
am I being like egotistic right now? Is this something?
Is this my pride speaking? I literally asked myself that
(46:15):
I'm like, okay, let me step back. That's good, and
I'll apologize, like, hey, I'm so sorry, I'm sorry that.
And even if he doesn't tell me, I know, you know,
when you're not doing something nice, you feel it in
your gut. And it's not that I'm intentionally trying to
be a bitch or take advantage of because that's not
the case. It's just life happens. And sometimes I'm stressed out,
you know, and it's not an excuse, but I will
like go and I I'll apologize. My therapy is huge.
(46:38):
I just realized that I haven't done therapy like almost
two months. That's a long time, and I need to
do it at least once a month, twice a month.
I just know for me, I just need to be reminded.
Even if I'm sitting in my session and I'm like, oh,
I know this already. I know this already. Oh I know,
like I'm already. Yes, I need that grounded. Yes, we
all need to be guided and remind did and mentored,
(47:01):
and that's what I need to stay intentional. So I'm
doing that. And also I'm I'm okay with being I
want to be in my feminine. I never felt like
that before. So I constantly I'm like, what can I
do to make him feel better, to help the relationship
to really Like before it was like I still want
(47:21):
to be me, and yes, I still want to be me,
but now it's us Yeah, and I now but I
want that.
Speaker 3 (47:28):
I think it's because you have you feel safe.
Speaker 1 (47:30):
Yeah, I feel safe, so beautiful. Yeah, I'm just learning
to step back and look from the outside in so
that I don't you know, I like to treat people
the way I want to be treated, so that also
goes heavily in my relationship. It can't be just one sided. Yeah,
and you know, yeah and yeah, So anyways talk Yeah
(47:56):
for our tech talk. I think this is a very
beautiful conversation. And thank you sisters so much for accepting
the invitation, for accepting to speak about this that could
be a little in a way triggering to some people.
We apologize for that. It's just that's how we are.
We're very honest with each other. We have a sister
(48:17):
group chat and we talk about all kinds of things
in there, and I thought, why not talk about something
that I know is very real that I think we
all even if you did have your parents together in
the same household. There are things that we pick up
from our parents and from their relationships, and it's something
that we need to talk about and feel comfortable talking
about that. So anyways, I hope you guys enjoyed this episode,
(48:41):
and thank you to Jennaka Lopez, to Jacqueline Rivera Campos, Jackie. Anyways,
thank you to my sisters. Thank you to my sisters
for coming. I love you. I love you guys so much.
I hope you guys learned a few things from us,
and I feel like there has to be like a
part two in the next season. Me too. I have
(49:02):
a lot of things I want to talk about and
I thought I was more prepared, but you guys, like
it just happens, is what happened? Yeah, this is what
it is. Yeah, So next time, you know what, we
should do it with a little bit of tequila overcome
for podcasts. Yeah all right, yes, overcomefort positive. Yes, we'll
do it there, we'll finish our conversation. Anyways, guys, love you,
Thank you so much, and I will see you on
(49:24):
the next episode. Peace Out. This is a production of
iHeartRadio and Mike podcast Network. Follow us on Instagram at
Mike Podcasts and follow me Cheeky's That's c h i
q u y s. For more podcasts from iHeart, visit
(49:44):
the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your
favorite shows.
Hey, what's up, guys. Welcome to your favorite podcast, Cheese
and Chill. This is sad News bittersweet. It is our
last episode for this season, but we will be back
next season. I have a lot of surprises for you,
so stay tuned. But AnyWho, today's episode is a very
special one. I have two of the most important people
(00:32):
in my life to women that I love very much,
and we're going to talk about everything that has to
do with daddy issues and some ofmmy issues as well.
Maybe you can relate. I don't know, but let's get
into it. Here is my sister, Jacqueline Rivera Campos. We'll
(00:54):
figure it out, okay, Jacqueline, This is my sister Jackie
and Jenna Coelope.
Speaker 2 (01:01):
Hi, guys, I'm excited.
Speaker 1 (01:03):
So I've had them on the podcast before individually, and
now I realized one day, oh my gosh, I hadn't
had them together, and I wanted to talk about things
that I've dealt with and as I'm getting older, are
coming up things that I didn't think or things that
I thought I healed, things that I didn't feel were
(01:23):
an issue, and now I realized, through therapy and everything
that they stem from my childhood so it was my
idea to bring my sisters on and let's talk about
daddy issues. And yesterday on our group chat, I was flying. Yeah,
it was pretty intense on that group chat. I was like,
oh my gosh, thank god I was flying because I
got bombarded with like fifty messages and then Jenica, you
(01:45):
mentioned mommy issues and mind you, guys, this is not
to make our parents look bad in any way. That
is not what we're trying to do. These are real
things that happen, and my mom did her best and
my dad, in a way, I guess, did his best.
I can't speak for them because they're not here to
defend themselves. So this is just what we have lived
(02:06):
and what we've experienced, without making our parents look bad,
because that's not the point here. It's it's something that
really does happen.
Speaker 2 (02:13):
Yeah, And I think people like see it like damn,
like like they take it the wrong way, right, and
it's like it seems like we're excusing it, but it's like, no,
we're not.
Speaker 1 (02:22):
It's not that.
Speaker 2 (02:22):
It's just like I think we've come to a point
of healing, yeah, and understanding that we're able to talk
about it because it's you know, people can it happened.
I feel like it's normal. It happens to everybody.
Speaker 3 (02:33):
Mom issues.
Speaker 2 (02:34):
Everyone has daddy issues, and you know has their own experience.
Speaker 1 (02:37):
Yeah, so I mean talking about that, okay. So daddy issues, okay,
stem from complicated and unhealthy relationships between a father and
a daughter. Whether he was an absent father or abusive,
or there was a healthy bond, all of these can
cause issues in romantic relationships later in life. So that's
what we're going to talk about. Because we hear it
and people throw it around and blah blah blah. But
(02:59):
this is this is real, This is real, and I
can tell you I'll start off. You don't mind because
I'm the eldest. I'm the eldest sister. It really, I think,
more than anything, I started realizing as I got older
that I had issues with abandonment. Abandonment issues and definitely
came from my dad. How he like just disappeared with
(03:23):
like no way of getting hold of him. I did
feel abandoned. I felt abandoned by my mom A couple
of times. I was yeah, we were So I think
those were things that I started showing up in my
relationships where I would maybe push them away first before
they tried, Yeah, before they right, does it happen to
(03:45):
like I'm not gonna get hurt?
Speaker 4 (03:46):
So?
Speaker 1 (03:47):
Yeah? And you know what, I've noticed that I'm I've
gotten better bringing my guards down, like being a little
bit more vulnerable, a lot more vulnerable. I think there's
a lot of power and that I talk about it
here on the podcast all the time, but I've realized
that a lot of things that I let slide with
(04:08):
other people in my relationships, I don't. I'm very very firm,
very very yes. And sometimes I'm like, damn, where does
that come from? Is it? Is it still like? Am
I scared to be a band?
Speaker 2 (04:21):
What do you mean?
Speaker 3 (04:22):
A projective? Like if she gives grace to certain people
when they make mistakes, but not in her romantic relationship,
like she's harsher or harder.
Speaker 1 (04:31):
I am harder. I am harder. And it's more of
like I got this shit, I'm not gonna let you
hurt me sort of things.
Speaker 3 (04:37):
Your defenses are still Yeah.
Speaker 1 (04:40):
So I don't know, and I don't like that because
it's like it's not cool for them to feel I
don't know, immedial like they're paying the price for right right,
And he's told me that before, and I have gotten better,
But there are things that I just don't tolerate elsewhere,
but in my relationship. I mean I tolerate elsewhere, but
in my relationship, I'm like, I'm very very stern. I
(05:03):
don't know how to I don't know what.
Speaker 2 (05:04):
Yeah, I don't know where that would be from though,
Like I don't get where it's.
Speaker 3 (05:07):
I think it's a defense mechanism. Yeah, sure, I don't
know if it has to do with maybe it has
to do with abandonment, like you feel like.
Speaker 2 (05:16):
Or maybe that you're just at a point that you're
not going to tolerate.
Speaker 3 (05:21):
You can't.
Speaker 2 (05:22):
You just don't have the capacity to tolerate it in
a relationship anymore because like you've already been through.
Speaker 1 (05:29):
So much there Maybe Yeah, now I think I'm like
it's my age, but through a lot I know what
I want. I know I'm not going to deal with
It's kind of like either you're here to give exactly
what I give, or because a.
Speaker 2 (05:41):
Relationship you're with that person every single day. Yeah, like
you can tolerate it somewhere else exactly, you could tolerate
someone somewhere else because you're not never gonna be with
that person.
Speaker 1 (05:51):
Yeah, you know what I mean.
Speaker 2 (05:53):
But I don't know where that would come from.
Speaker 1 (05:54):
I know it's just something that came up, I guess,
but yeah, I mean it's it is a defense mechanism,
but it's also I feel like with the abandonment thing,
I'm a lot better. You are a lot better.
Speaker 2 (06:05):
Okay, what But it's weird because.
Speaker 1 (06:10):
I don't say I.
Speaker 2 (06:11):
Wanted to sound rude, okay, but I think we all
equally do not like to be alone. You push people away,
but you don't like to be alone.
Speaker 1 (06:19):
But you know what I swear to you, I feel
like not that I want to be alone now, but
before I couldn't. Before I didn't like to be alone.
I needed someone, whether it be an assistant, a friend,
or I was always with someone. I didn't want to
feel the absence. And then when I got separated my
first marriage, that really did teach me to be alone.
And it's okay, and I can get through anything. But yeah,
(06:42):
I know I do better in relationships, like I'm a
serial monogamous, Like I like love, I love love. I
do better being in a relationship than not being in
a relationship.
Speaker 2 (06:53):
But I was saying, it's interesting how you have like
the abandonment, but you push people away, but you want
to be with somebody, you know what I mean?
Speaker 1 (07:01):
But why they'll because I don't see this is the thing?
This is you guys, we didn't plan this. We're just like, seriously,
she's done my cards down. I was like, you know
what if this, I'm just gonna have a conversation with
my sisters. This is real and I don't even know
where this conversation is gonna go. It's just I just
wanted to talk to my sisters and I and I
was thinking about that because I feel like in friendships
(07:23):
or other people in my life without saying names, and
I know you guys know who I might be talking about,
there are things that I don't like about the person,
that don't make me feel good, that don't sit in
my spirit, but I keep them around, Like what why?
But in a relationship you're ready to like, I'm like
that you got off.
Speaker 2 (07:41):
Because I don't think you can tolerate it in that area. Yes,
in the relationship love area, you can't tolerate anything.
Speaker 3 (07:49):
I think it's I don't know if you can't tolerate it.
I think it's that your relationship is the place you're supposed.
Speaker 2 (07:55):
To feel safest exactly, and.
Speaker 3 (07:57):
When they do ship that makes you so so sorry,
no say ship. When they do things that makes you
feel unsafe, you're like, no, I'm not gonna do that.
But it's not that it's because you love them less.
It's because they're supposed to be your safest and it
reminds you of when you you first didn't feel.
Speaker 2 (08:13):
Safe because the other people you can keep them out exactly.
Speaker 1 (08:20):
Not as a relationship, okay, yeah, because which I think
is really crazy.
Speaker 3 (08:28):
Like I think not having a dad, because there's different
types of daddy issues you can know, and ours was
completely absent. He was gone. You know, I think you
remember more than I do. But it's crazy that not
having a father is something that stole our feminine energy,
like and then having a mother that was who she
(08:50):
was and as strong as she was. It's like we're
a double battling. I didn't think that fathers are the
ones that teach their daughters to have feminine energy, but
they do if they love.
Speaker 1 (09:00):
You right, if they love you right.
Speaker 2 (09:02):
Yeah, And that is I feel like that's my problem
in dating right now, is that I do not know
how to be more feminine.
Speaker 1 (09:13):
MM it's hard, very hard. I'm finally in my stepped
into my feminine energy with them because he makes me
feel safe. Because and if I don't feel safe, dude,
I don't know, some toxic as sh it comes out.
But because I feel safe with him, I'm able to
step into submissiveness doesn't feel yeah, and I feel like, okay,
(09:37):
I want to make this person happy. I feel like
I never thought that I was going to change my name.
I am Janey Sanchez now officially. He and I was like,
can I be Jene Mariene Sanchez And he's like, no,
I want you to be Sanchez completely. And I was like, okay,
he deserves it. Okay, fine, I'll do it.
Speaker 3 (09:52):
And someone else do you know what?
Speaker 1 (09:58):
It's just thank you so much. Finally I can be
like fuck, I can rest like a breathe bitch, like
you know, like I feel like, oh, thank you so so.
But yes, Jenny. But here's the thing. It's interesting because Jackie,
our experience with our dad is weird, and I don't
know if you guys can like.
Speaker 3 (10:17):
Ours is very different, always different. I fell into people
pleasing because I didn't want to lose more people.
Speaker 2 (10:24):
I was pleaser too, though I agree with that too.
I felt like because I lost both of my parents,
I had to like I had. That was my fear
of abandonment, and because Mom wasn't always present. Yeah, Mom
was always gone.
Speaker 3 (10:37):
She's a busy guy.
Speaker 2 (10:38):
I relied on Mom to be both my mom and dad,
and she couldn't be. So it's kind of like damn,
like I don't like, I don't know, it's weird.
Speaker 1 (10:50):
Do you remember your relationship with your dad?
Speaker 2 (10:53):
I remember bits and pieces. I know that I was loved.
Do I remember filling love? I don't remember. I only
know that I'm loved because everyone tells me, you know
what I mean.
Speaker 1 (11:07):
Yeah, so it's harder.
Speaker 2 (11:08):
But that's also because my memories my dad passed away
when I was eleven, when I was Johnny's age, when
Mom passed away. So it's a lot of like it,
you know.
Speaker 1 (11:18):
Yeah, so you don't have like specific no, but I.
Speaker 2 (11:20):
Know I don't remember any like him hurting me or anything.
Speaker 1 (11:23):
But I do remember her so much.
Speaker 2 (11:25):
I do remember a lot of him and Mom's relationship,
you know, like they were friends, but it wasn't. I
never saw like a loving relationship. Ever, I've never seen
a healthy marriage in my life. I don't think any
of us have. No, No, I've never.
Speaker 1 (11:43):
Like so I was so scared to get married for
so long. Yeah, it is, I mean, okay, because he
and the second part of that question is because obviously
the dad of that I'm talking about is Juan Lopez,
which to me, that's your father without taking anything away
from her biological father. But when that happened, when that
came about you and you found out, I know you
(12:05):
went through a lot. Did you feel what did how
did that affect you in the way you see relationships
or even mom or your or Juan Lopez your dad process. Yeah,
I don't know.
Speaker 2 (12:20):
I think I things come up to this day, like
as in relationships, Like I'm just like I don't know,
Like I'm so good by myself and I think that's
a problem. Like I know how to be by myself
that I can be home for like a week and
not want to go out or whatever, and I'm fine
(12:41):
with that, but I think that's a thing, like I'm
scared to go out and like be rejected or like
also those people go away as well, like you rather
not even like I'm comfortable with, yes, exactly, I'm comfortable
with where I'm at and like my friend and like
I'm okay in my space, like I don't need it,
(13:03):
But then I want attention. I want to be in
a relationship, but I don't like And I think that's because, like,
I'm so used to not having those figures in my.
Speaker 1 (13:12):
Life, right, so it's to me yeaeah.
Speaker 2 (13:15):
So like and I'm so used to being my own
like I like, I'm used to being my own boss.
Like I don't like I don't have to like you know,
I don't have to tell exactly, but you're willing. I'm willing.
Speaker 1 (13:27):
I'm absolutely willing because that's yeah, because being too independent,
i've learned is not is not good in a relationship either.
And that's what we saw with Mom. And I've realized
respectfully that I have. I looked and I was thinking,
cause I know we were going to talk about this.
I feel like I do have more mommy issues and
daddy issues. Why. I think because we spent more time
with mom. Mom had to be our mom and our dad.
So that's why I'm like so compassionate about her. Now
(13:50):
that I step back and I'm like it wasn't easy
being in her position. She needed to be tough. She
needed this because if she wasn't even femininis exactly, she
couldn't because the guys that she chose.
Speaker 2 (14:01):
And I think that it comes off like we're just
like very like oh, the independence, Like we're just like, yeah,
we don't take anything. We don't. I don't think any
of us like no for an answer, Like we're just.
Speaker 1 (14:13):
Like we have very very strong characters, and.
Speaker 2 (14:17):
That comes off intimidating, like all of us and like, yeah,
it's sister comes off intimidating.
Speaker 1 (14:22):
At least you are now. Yeah, yeah, you stepped into
your own for sure. Before you were a lot more submissive.
I feel like there's balance, you know.
Speaker 3 (14:34):
I do feel like I don't like to hear no,
So that's that's unpull.
Speaker 4 (14:39):
That's like you're just like like, oh, like I don't know,
like your's I feel like, and I said it to
everybody in the group chat the other day, it's like
we've I feel like we've gone through too much already
where we're just over it and we're not going to take.
Speaker 1 (14:53):
It, like yeah, we're not going to take people's bs exactly.
Speaker 3 (14:57):
And more everything that we've lived.
Speaker 2 (15:00):
That's also like exactly, that's why when you were saying
about like in your relationship, like you're tolering things, because
we're just already like, yeah, been through too much to.
Speaker 1 (15:10):
Like, Yeah, I think finally in my relationship, I'm I'm
still a strong woman and he knows it and he
likes it. But I've also learned to be soft because
a man needs that. You need to feed the king
and a man in order for him to give you everything.
It took me a long time to learn that. But also, yes,
he also knows as much as I love him, if
(15:32):
there's something that's not making me happy, if I don't
feel emotional stability, if I don't feel safe security, if
I don't have those things, and almost as Conki stando,
which is where the whole Patando song came from, because
I'm like, I need that I know myself. I need
you to always don't catch my standard. Don't get comfortable
(15:53):
and vice versa. I can, yes, don't get comfortable where
you feel. Oh, I have her in my I know
myself and I know what I like and if you're
not giving it to me, I'm not saying that I'm
gonna go out and get it. But I know my
history and I know I'm like, if you're not feeding
all of this, I would I'll do the same for you. Yeah,
the I wonders, And that's why we got it. On
(16:16):
my end, I want to take care of him and
make sure he has everything he needs and make sure
that he's getting late as much as he wants to
get late, and you know, feeding him and taking the
time to make his coffee, all those little things, leaving notes,
all that stuff so he doesn't have to look anywhere else.
But it took me a long time to accept that
and be like what, because I would be like, why
is this pattern? Why does this keep happening? Because there's
(16:37):
things that I needed to change from things that I
saw in my childhood because I never saw a healthy
relationship either, and we had said we want to break
the shit.
Speaker 3 (16:44):
But I didn't want to add if all you guys remember,
I wanted to add that. I think it also where
you're at now. It's work that you've done, but are
also a lot of what he's done. He's he's not
intimidated by the strong woman that you are. No, it
(17:04):
still allows you to be who you are. You're strong
because you saw mom be that way because of how
life molded you. But then because he's not intimidated and
he embraces that, it allows you to just sit back
and like okay, and I want to yes, because you're
not having to guard that person. You're like, Okay, let's
venture into what it could be like to be feminine
and leving in some you know, yes, that.
Speaker 1 (17:25):
He's not like, he's not right. He doesn't feel inadequate,
he doesn't feel inferior, he doesn't feel those things. And
it's like he knows who he is and that helps.
Speaker 3 (17:42):
So because because you know we we we had a
crazy traumatic like upbringing and we're all together and we
have siblings or whatever. And what's the difference you see
in Emilio because he's an only child and like, is
he as broken as we are? No?
Speaker 1 (18:01):
I think he's done a lot of the work.
Speaker 2 (18:03):
Because he doesn't have does he have daddy? Just because
he doesn't have his dad and his life either.
Speaker 1 (18:09):
Right seem like it? It doesn't seem like it. But
because he had a very present Nino, his mom's brother,
was stepped in and was like a dad. And not
only that, there's two brothers. Yeah, two brothers and they
stepped in a lot of the family. They're very close,
so they all helped him, and he never felt like
he was missing a dad, I think because he always had. Yeah,
(18:31):
they're honestly, his mom dide a wonderful job with him.
Mind joymedia will sit here and tell you. He's like, oh,
I was an narcissist and I was this, and I
was jealous and really oh yeah, yes, no way, yeah,
it's insane. He's like, I know people can change, but
you have to recognize it first. He's like, I was
a narcissist, I was I cheated, I was a liar,
I was this. I was that. He's like, but I
was ready to say I want something different, and then
(18:53):
you came into my life and I would it so
happened to be that. I was ready, you know. I
was like, I'm ready to do this, and that's why
I think it's worked.
Speaker 3 (19:01):
But he don't got this just what we got.
Speaker 1 (19:05):
It doesn't seem like it. No, he doesn't, Yeah, right,
he doesn't. He doesn't realize like I mean, I think
I think with being with me, He's like, oh, shoot,
like all this happens in families at least didn't scare
him away. It didn't.
Speaker 2 (19:23):
I have a lot of baggage.
Speaker 3 (19:25):
Yeah, and I feel like I'm going to be too much.
Speaker 1 (19:27):
You will find the person that is willing to carry
the bags with you, and that's what help you. Yeah.
Speaker 3 (19:34):
See him be a little toxic and I'm like yeah,
and then he's just very patient and I'm like.
Speaker 1 (19:39):
Wow, yeah, I'm yes, yes. The one thing that he
is but I think it works out for me is
that he's needy. Oh and I love that. And it's
like sometimes I'm like, okay, babe, we're both very needy
of attention and touch and this and that, and it works.
But it took so long to get to them. Wait,
(20:00):
you know, like to like.
Speaker 3 (20:01):
Like to find someone, you know, I like to get
that because then if you're too needy, then you feel like, man,
this person is feel like this.
Speaker 1 (20:10):
Yeah, yeah, you know what I mean. But you turned
out when you met him thirty thirty five, thirty six.
Speaker 3 (20:19):
Okay, Yeah, I'm to wait for someone to like match
your energy.
Speaker 1 (20:23):
Yeah, But I've also realized that it's because I had
a lot of things I needed to heal. I needed
to heal a lot of things, and I would overcompensate
a lot of relationships because in a way, I don't
want you to leave, you know, I want like such
a crappy yeah yeah. So wait, what do you have
any daddy issues.
Speaker 3 (20:40):
Checkie, Yeah I do. I'm I'm a sick validation and
that blinds you when you're when you don't, it blinds
you from seeing the red flags, like.
Speaker 2 (20:52):
You excuse behavior.
Speaker 1 (20:54):
Yeah. Same, That's what I used to do.
Speaker 3 (20:58):
Yeah, because I'm just want somebody I want, you.
Speaker 1 (21:01):
Know, yeah, yeah yeah.
Speaker 3 (21:05):
And if the person, if the person detaches, then I
feel like I'm gonna overcompensate, like let me, let me
show you, let me prove to you.
Speaker 1 (21:14):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (21:15):
So now my question is is how are you showing
that to Jayla?
Speaker 3 (21:20):
You know what, because you have already No, I feel
an urgency. I feel an urgency to heal something about
because I'm married or I felt like, oh I'm healed. No,
not at all. And I can see the same patterns
in Jaila, and I thought it was insane because she
(21:42):
has two dads and I was like, oh, she's she's good,
She's not gonna have this shoes I have. But that's
not the case. Yeah, so I have to be an example,
and I need there's like a sense of urgency, like
you need to get it together because I can see
certain things. Yeah, that sucks, but we're gonna get there.
We're gon we're gonna get better, We're gonna heal.
Speaker 1 (22:04):
Yeah, because I'm What I try to figure out is
it's okay because we had dad, right, we had Dad.
Didn't sound weird, but he was a really good dad.
He was attentive. He wanted to see us every weekend,
like he wanted to be in our lives. Yeah, and
he had no issue with cooking for us. And I
(22:26):
learned a lot of my organization skills come from Dadow.
Mind you he did what he did, you know he had.
I feel like it's a it's a sickness. Yeah, soon,
I don't know, you know so, But then he left.
So I've been trying to think about, like, Okay, I
had this. I have a dad that loves me.
Speaker 3 (22:49):
I feel like you compartmentalized like the dad that loves you.
Because there's things, certain things that I remember. I don't
remember a lot, but there's certain things I do remember.
And it was fun, it was pretty. It was like music.
Speaker 1 (22:59):
I just remember thought about music.
Speaker 3 (23:01):
Yeah, yeah, but then then there's the other side. So
but that's probably are analyzing.
Speaker 2 (23:08):
Are you excusing it? I don't think so, no excusing
what like I'm saying, like, does this fallen excusing behavior
because he because he was a good dad, but he
also did what he did.
Speaker 3 (23:20):
Yeah, so a lot of people would say we are
And sometimes I think like, is this a trauma response?
Because I want to forgive and I don't want to
hold a grudge. But again, You've never been that way.
Speaker 1 (23:35):
I've never been one to like hold grudges or anything like.
Speaker 3 (23:39):
That to anyone who's hurt you, not just this person.
Speaker 1 (23:41):
And to like to a fault because sometimes some people
don't deserve to come back into my life. And I
just keep it's okay, it's okay, and I kept allowing
it and still his day.
Speaker 3 (23:51):
Is that a trauma response from what we lived? I
don't know.
Speaker 1 (23:53):
I don't know.
Speaker 3 (23:54):
It's so much it's like a yeah.
Speaker 2 (23:57):
I think it's also that we I mean, maybe I'll
speak for myself. I know that I'm not a perfect
person and I've made mistakes as well, so it's like
we overextend grace. I know that people can change. Yeah,
so it's like we also hope that you know, that
(24:21):
person changes.
Speaker 1 (24:23):
Like we have that faith, yes, exactly, the doubt.
Speaker 2 (24:26):
Because we've changed or we know we've done things or
you know. Yeah, so I don't know at least that's
just me.
Speaker 1 (24:32):
Yeah, I mean we're figuring this out as as we're here. Guys,
we don't have all of the answers. And I think
that's something I'm going to ask Tanya, my therapist. I'm
going to talk to her about it, like, hey, and
it's weird because I feel like, in a way I've
healed a lot of it. It's a lot better, but
there's still little things that linger that if I don't
(24:52):
continue and I don't like exercise it like it's a
muscle my therapy, then I start, you start, you know,
backtracking a little bit, and I've not sound like I
need to stay on top of it. Yeah, you know,
I need to stay on top of it to be
to get checked to just you know, get that reality
check I guess of because these are things that are
that are just I guess in in a way.
Speaker 3 (25:15):
Like in the depths of us it's generous, it's.
Speaker 1 (25:18):
A yeah exactly, So I'm like, okay, if.
Speaker 3 (25:20):
They didn't do it, then it's our job to heal
and break it. And once you have children, I'm not
even joking, it's like a mirror, Like you'll see them
this Riandos in the good stuff and in the bad stuff,
and then you have to ask yourself, wait, do I
do that? Is that like something learned? And a lot
of the times it's like we think we're good people
(25:41):
because we don't, you know, do certain things, or we
don't steal, or we don't do these things. But like
once you see your kid, I'm like, shoot, like damn,
I gotta I gotta fix this because I still do that.
Speaker 1 (25:54):
Yeah, but that's why I think I waited so long
to have because is.
Speaker 3 (25:59):
It like you're waiting to get be better?
Speaker 1 (26:01):
So that honestly, it wasn't even that. Now that I'm older,
now I'm like, Okay, now I feel like I've done
the work. I think that I can hopefully raise a
super child. You know, in my mind, obviously things are
going to happen. But I'm like, Okay, I feel ready.
But for so long I was afraid. I was I
don't want to have the same problems I had with
(26:25):
for instance, Mom, I'm telling you like I had a
lot more because I was so close to Mom and
live so much longer with her that I guess there
are more issues there because thatad just did what you know,
and he left, you know. So I think for that
for a long time, I was just more afraid of
even having a daughter, exactly repeat the cycle. Now I'm
not afraid. Now I feel better about it, but I
(26:47):
think for sure, I'm like, I need to figure this
out before I even bring another child into the world.
Speaker 2 (26:54):
I think it's also understanding that we I think we're
learning as we're we're growing on we're learning right now
in this moment, like we're we've come to realization things
and I think that's gonna happen and for a long time,
I think for the rest of our lives, like we're
gonna learn something about ourselves and then we're gonna see
where it comes from. And it's like, Okay, yeah, how
am I gonna fix it now here in this in
(27:17):
this in this time of my life before my daughter
or even with you, Like how are you gonna heal
that part of you with Jayla? Now that she's fifteen.
So it's like I think we're all like, yeah, I
don't think it's ever gonna stop, Like the healing isn't
ever gonna stop.
Speaker 1 (27:33):
Yeah, No, We're always there's always gonna be something, you
know where I always say we we we evolve and
we grow and you know the whole thing. So, Jenny,
do you feel Jennica so called Jenny, do you feel
that you, like you said, it's more of the rejection
(27:55):
thing because I've always looked at you like, I'm glad
that Jenica learn from us, you know, and you learned
like even like Johnny tells me this all the time,
He's like, I saw certain things and I grew up
and I knew what I did want and what I
didn't want, thanks to my siblings and my older siblings.
So did you do you feel that way with you?
Speaker 2 (28:15):
I feel like because I wasn't welcome. No, I feel
like because I didn't see it and mom, like I
didn't see a healthy You know, I did have to
learn from you guys and your guys's boyfriends and also
living you know. No, And I don't say it like no, no, no,
but I did have a lot to learn from even
(28:36):
from my brother, you know how you know, how you
guys treat your partners or whatever, like I had to
just as it wasn't like intentionally, but it's also like
I know what I want and how I want to
be treated and what I'm looking for. Yeah, you know,
(28:56):
And it's like you guys, you know, your older sister.
Speaker 1 (29:00):
Yeah, And but I'm proud of you for that because
I see it.
Speaker 3 (29:03):
More of.
Speaker 1 (29:05):
What I pray for all the time for you is
for you not to go through what we went through,
and that when that guy comes around, he's ready. I don't.
I don't want you to go through the heartbreaks that
we went through. You know, like I don't have the capacity.
Speaker 2 (29:20):
I don't have it. That's why I think, like I
haven't dated in so long because I can't.
Speaker 1 (29:26):
You can't fathom going. I can't.
Speaker 2 (29:27):
I don't want to. Like I'm tired.
Speaker 1 (29:30):
Because you've been through so much. I'm just your dad,
your mom, the whole thing. Yeah, it's okay, it's okay, no,
but that I feel like you're gonna You're not meant
to go through what we went through. You're you're a
lot smarter, I feel, and I say that with so
much respect, but you're so much smarter, You're so independent,
like and I'm not just saying this because you're my
(29:51):
baby sister and I fucking love you, but I feel
like everyone can see you're gorgeous, but not only that,
like you have so many great things to give that
I'm like, I just want that guy to already be ready.
He's preparing himself the way you have, so that once
you guys come together, you don't have to go through
the bullshit we went through. It's like, like, no, you
have been through a lot already, but I just wanted
(30:12):
to know. I'm like, okay, because I know you're not picky.
You just you know what you want.
Speaker 2 (30:16):
I think, but it comes off as picky, and I
think that's the like that's frustrating.
Speaker 3 (30:20):
Yeah, but I think for a long like it might
come off as she's guarded. But I think she's probably
because she has the softest heart then even us. And
it looks like, oh no.
Speaker 1 (30:33):
She's just because we wear a heart on our sleeves, yes,
and which is not my emotions.
Speaker 3 (30:39):
Is not guarding our heart yea, and that's how we
get hurt.
Speaker 1 (30:42):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (30:44):
Do you feel like you didn't have any standards? I
feel like I didn't have any standards. I feel like
you do.
Speaker 1 (30:50):
You have standards. Standards, yes, and that's good. See, I
guess I didn't. I didn't. Now that I think about it,
it's like.
Speaker 3 (30:57):
Did you just receive whatever kind of love or was
there like a was there like a list of like
this is what I want, this is what I because
I know she has her list.
Speaker 4 (31:06):
I know.
Speaker 3 (31:07):
I don't know if I had.
Speaker 1 (31:09):
I didn't have a list until all the heartbreaks, until
I had I hard headed, went through this, that that,
and continued with that pattern until I said I'm done
with this. I'm I don't want done, I don't want
this again, like I need what the hell am I doing?
Until I went boom, Janey, what do you need to change?
(31:34):
And then that's when everything changed for me. But I
didn't have standards. I didn't like, oh I want a
guy that, this and that, Like I was just like,
oh love, oh okay.
Speaker 2 (31:44):
Hug me, love me.
Speaker 1 (31:45):
And I feel like it has to do with Mom
and I were like business partners. She was more of
like it was business with mom and in that aspect,
and of course Dad wasn't there, so it was just
always busy, busy, busy.
Speaker 3 (31:58):
You're trying to fill that cup.
Speaker 1 (32:00):
If someone was like, oh oh, I think you're cute.
I can say all the words and yeah and now now,
which I'm glad that Janaka didn't hap to go to
that because Jeneka I think song was like hold up,
heck no, I'm not yes.
Speaker 3 (32:12):
And I'm proud of her. I too, am like me
too and.
Speaker 2 (32:16):
Her is in the room her, I'm proud of you.
Speaker 3 (32:20):
Because as I am, like, it's crazy, like even within myself,
I think I was. My life goal was to like,
I need to be a wife. I need to be married,
because I didn't have that, so I wanted to fill
that void. And my mommy issues were that I wanted
to be the exact opposite of her. I don't want
to be anything like her. It turns out I'm a
lot like her.
Speaker 1 (32:41):
And then until.
Speaker 3 (32:42):
Later, until it was like twenty sixteen, twenty seventeen, that
I was like, wait, Jackie, what were you? What are
you here for? Who were you? Because I came into
this world alone. I came into this world with a purpose,
and I did. I had never asked myself that question
until like twenty sixteen. And then it's like.
Speaker 1 (33:00):
Shoot, like a whole new world.
Speaker 3 (33:02):
And then you start investing in yourself and healing yourself,
and then that kind of pushes people away from you.
Mm hmm.
Speaker 1 (33:10):
That's crazy because I was on the complete opposite, like
you wanted to be married and be the wife and
have be the mom and the whole thing, have a
stable home, and I was like, I don't know if
I never really cared about getting married and this and that.
I was like, Oh, if it happens, great, I'm like,
you know, and I was like, and if it doesn't work,
it doesn't work next. Yeah, for so long. And that's
(33:32):
also not that's a whole lot. That's not healthy either,
because when I remember, Yeah, when I would ask you,
I'm like, sister, can you do that?
Speaker 3 (33:38):
Oh?
Speaker 1 (33:38):
You were being a good wife.
Speaker 3 (33:40):
Well, I think it also depends on because I'm trying
to I'm like, we had the same parents, and it
seems like we probably had the same traumas, but it
wasn't because you in mom's life were someone else. You
were a different position in her life than I was.
Speaker 1 (33:55):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (33:56):
Yeah, which is crazy as to like it's parallel, but
it's not.
Speaker 2 (34:01):
Right.
Speaker 3 (34:02):
That's insane.
Speaker 1 (34:09):
I think it's just knowing what we really want and
being able to communicate that with our partners. And say
this is what I want, this is what I'm willing
to give, this is what I expect. What do you expect?
It's yeah, let's figure this out so that it fits.
Speaker 3 (34:22):
And neither you said that like knowing what you really want.
Someone asked me that the other day, like what do
you want? And I'm like, or what do you think
you deserve? And I'm like, I don't know, Like that's
crazy to not know, like I have it. I'm thirty
five years old and to like not, No, it's freaking crazy.
(34:45):
That's crazy.
Speaker 1 (34:48):
Sorry, it's okay.
Speaker 3 (34:51):
And there's like a sense of urgency because it's crazy.
You think you're healed and you're not. There's still so
much like to dig deep and heal, and I feel
like a lot of it was like a band aid,
Like you think having a family and being married, it's
like that's healed because it's not what it's what I
didn't have, but you didn't go through the process. And
(35:13):
I see it in Jayla and like I need to
figure out how to answer this question so that she doesn't.
I still have time, thank god, Yeah, so that she
doesn't do the same thing, because sadly, I'm not trying
to talk crap, but her dad is not like showing
her and that even showed like that, I'm like, why
why is she acting out? She has a father here,
(35:34):
he's present and he loves her and he picks her
up on the weekends, but it's like he's he still
hasn't gone through his process. So no matter what, in
my head, I was like, as long as she has
a dad, she's gonna be good because I didn't have one.
But it's not the case.
Speaker 1 (35:49):
Yeah, that's wild. Sorry, no, no, no, it's true. I
I yeah, it's it's yeah. I think we're just out
here just trying to do our best. We were just
trying to do our best.
Speaker 3 (36:03):
You know, I didn't really believe in the reparenting yourself.
You have to it's not but yeah.
Speaker 1 (36:10):
Yeah, and sometimes in certain cases, like for instances like Emilio,
you know, he didn't. He never really felt he needed
a dad. So it's like he could have had his dad,
and what if his dad would have made done more
damage and he was not in his life and he
is who he is. I mean, he's not obviously perfect,
but I feel, honestly, I think we should be proud
(36:34):
in him too. Like the type of man that he is,
given that he didn't have a father and everything we've
been through, we could be a lot worse. Guys, like
I think about it all the time, like right or so,
I feel like I feel like things could always be worse,
and I feel.
Speaker 3 (36:50):
But I do. I don't want to minimize what live.
Speaker 1 (36:55):
No no, no more no. But I'm saying like we
could have gone a complete opposite way given the parts
that we were dealt.
Speaker 3 (37:01):
I think what you mean and to add on to
what you're saying is that our hearts are still good.
Speaker 1 (37:06):
M H. We can sit here and have this conversation
and as we're speaking, realizing certain things and not and
feel vulnerable. That's like I feel like there's that's the
first step in healing and changing is accepting. And we're
sitting here having this hard conversation that some people may
not understand, that some people may be like and it
(37:28):
sucks because we're talking about our experiences and what we've
gone through. But it's hard because our mother is this huge,
amazing figure that people think we're talking crap. But if
our mom wasn't and we were able to speak about it,
but it's like, why can't we speak about our truth
and still respect us and still respect her and still
love her. I have so much more at the end
(37:51):
of the day. Yeah, she was a normal person and
she was doing her best, you know, And yeah, and
that's why it's Yeah, do.
Speaker 3 (38:00):
You think she was trying to find a man for
the boys, because that's a big difference. Like, I mean,
Mikey's very much like a Melia in the sense of
like I didn't need him, but he didn't have a
father figure, so there's a lot of things he didn't
learn and he's teaching himself.
Speaker 2 (38:19):
I think had a hard time. I think maybe because
I she probably didn't know how to raise boys.
Speaker 1 (38:31):
But she always did tell me, She's like, they don't
need their dad, they have enough mother with me. She
would always say, like they didn't not necessarily.
Speaker 3 (38:40):
There's a mistake in them. And she wouldn't.
Speaker 1 (38:42):
Sometimes let the boyfriends. Yeah, there was too much pressure
on her where she was like, these are my kids?
Are my goddamn kids. And she would say, she's like,
it's my responsibility. I don't need you to come into
my life to raise my kids. I got that, I
need you to come into my life to love me.
Speaker 2 (38:58):
That comes from grandpa kicking her out. That comes from
the men abusing her, leaving these men like I don't
need men, fuck men andy shit like type like yeah,
which in her ego like I did it all by myself.
Speaker 3 (39:14):
And and there's a lot of single mothers out there
who are doing it by themselves. But that doesn't mean that,
and that doesn't mean that if they are like that,
it's wrong. I don't I don't want to. I want
to correct that. But it's also like there's a man
to teach, Like there's certain things as a woman we
just don't know exactly. And I know onm did her best,
but I know that my brother's lacked. Yeah, and that's
(39:37):
you know, I don't know.
Speaker 1 (39:39):
Yeah, but I'm proud of her still me too, Me too.
I I always say this. I was like I didn't
have the perfect mother, but I had the perfect mother
for me, like the mother that I needed, because if
she hadn't been so strict with me and her lessons,
I don't know who I would have been today, you know.
And and that's why I try like to step back
and just look at her life and understand her. And
(40:02):
she did her best, and that's that, you know.
Speaker 2 (40:06):
No I think that now it's like recognizing that we
do have these issues. I don't like calling them issues
because it sounds negative. I think they're just a part
of us that we you know, that we recognize. Yeah,
it's recognizing those those parts of us and fixing it
and knowing what we deserve exactly.
Speaker 1 (40:27):
Yeah, knowing what we deserve, what we want, what we
can change, recognizing it, accepting it, and yeah, I mean,
it took me a long time to get to this point,
to be like, what do I really want, you know?
And what is my heart really craving? And I think
it's because I had to be an adult since I
(40:49):
was so little. Now I want someone to take care
of me emotionally because I've had to be strong forever
forever that now at least I can communicate what works
for me. But it took a long time time to
get to that point. And I told the media from
the very beginning, this is a type of relationship I need.
I need to feel just wanted and cared for, and
(41:09):
you're going to take care of me so I could
just relax. Because I've had to be a mother, I've
had to be like so grown up. There's a Chiquita,
and I think once but again, I had to like
I thought I needed to be strong. I thought I
was an independent woman. I thought like, yes, yes, that's
all cool, But I don't want to be an independent,
strong woman that's alone. And what do I have to
(41:31):
do to change that? You know, to be different in
my relationships? So okay, I'm going to start with you, sister.
What is something that you're doing now to not fall
back into the people pleasing, into the validation all that stuff.
(41:52):
Is there something in particular that you're doing.
Speaker 3 (41:58):
I think that I'm in a season. I've been in
a season of losing a lot of people because there
were a safety blanket. So I kind of feel like
I didn't necessarily step into like I'm going to start
my hating journey. It kind of just happened because I
think that was my biggest fear of like I don't
(42:19):
want to lose any more people. I'm going to do
whatever I need to do to keep people. I'm going
to be forgiving. I'm going to over communicate, which I
feel like sometimes over communicating is a I thought communicatings.
Speaker 1 (42:31):
It does, especially as over community.
Speaker 3 (42:33):
So I'm learning I'm asking myself what do I need
to communicate? What am I trying to over explain to
keep people. I'm learning to say no, which was probably
one of the hardest things because it feels so bad
to say no and to set a boundary, which because
of what we've gone through sexual abuse, that you don't
know how to have boundaries. So I've just barely started learning,
(42:57):
but learning to say no. I'm asking myself when I
need to explain and when I don't and not. I'm
learning not to make excuses for people whoa which is
really hard.
Speaker 2 (43:12):
Making excuses that's hard to.
Speaker 3 (43:17):
Pay attention to. You have to be actually aware.
Speaker 1 (43:20):
Yeah, you have to be.
Speaker 2 (43:22):
And I think overall, I think, if anything, I've learned
to be more self aware, like how am I acting?
M And then I start seeing how that person's acting
and looking at really recognizing what red flags are and
not excusing those ones. You know, you're like, oh, like
if it's a red flag, it's a red flag.
Speaker 3 (43:41):
Don't try to make it paint.
Speaker 2 (43:42):
Yeah, don't squint your eyes to make it green.
Speaker 1 (43:47):
I know, is it yellow or orange?
Speaker 2 (43:51):
And you know what? For me, I think it's to
stop seeing the potential, like I'm tired.
Speaker 3 (43:58):
Of like waste years of your life.
Speaker 2 (44:00):
Yes, like I do not want to wait for you
to change or like you know, I don't know, so
I don't know.
Speaker 1 (44:08):
Just trying that was my thing. I thought I could
fix everyone and everything. It's like, I'll fix him, I'll
fix it. Maybe he needs me, uh huh, he needs
me to help him, Like, that's not my responsibilit It's
a huge freaking load to carry. And it's like, hold up,
I have my baggage. You have your baggage, Yes, immediate,
can you help me carry my bags? But they're really
(44:30):
like not yours, so they're like but it's just like yeah, yeah.
Speaker 3 (44:36):
With the amount of bags you.
Speaker 2 (44:42):
The amount of luggage that you take on a ch
it's really crazy.
Speaker 3 (44:47):
Safety.
Speaker 1 (44:48):
Yeah, it's a safety.
Speaker 2 (44:50):
You overpake somewhere. You always want to make something your home.
Speaker 1 (44:54):
Like yeah, I guess so it's true.
Speaker 2 (44:57):
It's beautiful, that's fine.
Speaker 1 (44:59):
I take everything. I take it. You want any sense
and I want to feel at home. Yeah I need that.
If not, then, especially with as much as I travel,
if I don't, I think i'd probably go a little
quick gray, you know, more than I have this past year. Yeah,
it's triggering for you yeah, yeah, So I mean, I
guess it's my turn.
Speaker 3 (45:19):
What are you doing? What have you done? Because you
are already in your fast I.
Speaker 2 (45:22):
Know you're already married. You're married. What do you feel
like you're doing now like that that you have to learn?
Like now that you're married, You're like, okay, now I'm
recognizing this, Like.
Speaker 1 (45:34):
I am learning to put myself in other people's shoes
and his shoes if there's something I could be a
little snappy sometimes because of the stress and everything, and
he'll tell me, hey, I don't like the way you
just talk to me. And I didn't realize that sometimes
I could be annoyed, and I'm just like I snap.
(45:54):
That's another thing I don't do with everyone else. It's
just with my partner and I have like a short
few you know. So I'm like starting to put myself
in his shoes and I'm like okay, And I'm really
good with apologizing, Like I don't want to be prideful,
and I check my heart and my ego and I'm like, okay,
am I being like egotistic right now? Is this something?
Is this my pride speaking? I literally asked myself that
(46:15):
I'm like, okay, let me step back. That's good, and
I'll apologize, like, hey, I'm so sorry, I'm sorry that.
And even if he doesn't tell me, I know, you know,
when you're not doing something nice, you feel it in
your gut. And it's not that I'm intentionally trying to
be a bitch or take advantage of because that's not
the case. It's just life happens. And sometimes I'm stressed out,
you know, and it's not an excuse, but I will
like go and I I'll apologize. My therapy is huge.
(46:38):
I just realized that I haven't done therapy like almost
two months. That's a long time, and I need to
do it at least once a month, twice a month.
I just know for me, I just need to be reminded.
Even if I'm sitting in my session and I'm like, oh,
I know this already. I know this already. Oh I know,
like I'm already. Yes, I need that grounded. Yes, we
all need to be guided and remind did and mentored,
(47:01):
and that's what I need to stay intentional. So I'm
doing that. And also I'm I'm okay with being I
want to be in my feminine. I never felt like
that before. So I constantly I'm like, what can I
do to make him feel better, to help the relationship
to really Like before it was like I still want
(47:21):
to be me, and yes, I still want to be me,
but now it's us Yeah, and I now but I
want that.
Speaker 3 (47:28):
I think it's because you have you feel safe.
Speaker 1 (47:30):
Yeah, I feel safe, so beautiful. Yeah, I'm just learning
to step back and look from the outside in so
that I don't you know, I like to treat people
the way I want to be treated, so that also
goes heavily in my relationship. It can't be just one sided. Yeah,
and you know, yeah and yeah, So anyways talk Yeah
(47:56):
for our tech talk. I think this is a very
beautiful conversation. And thank you sisters so much for accepting
the invitation, for accepting to speak about this that could
be a little in a way triggering to some people.
We apologize for that. It's just that's how we are.
We're very honest with each other. We have a sister
(48:17):
group chat and we talk about all kinds of things
in there, and I thought, why not talk about something
that I know is very real that I think we
all even if you did have your parents together in
the same household. There are things that we pick up
from our parents and from their relationships, and it's something
that we need to talk about and feel comfortable talking
about that. So anyways, I hope you guys enjoyed this episode,
(48:41):
and thank you to Jennaka Lopez, to Jacqueline Rivera Campos, Jackie. Anyways,
thank you to my sisters. Thank you to my sisters
for coming. I love you. I love you guys so much.
I hope you guys learned a few things from us,
and I feel like there has to be like a
part two in the next season. Me too. I have
(49:02):
a lot of things I want to talk about and
I thought I was more prepared, but you guys, like
it just happens, is what happened? Yeah, this is what
it is. Yeah, So next time, you know what, we
should do it with a little bit of tequila overcome
for podcasts. Yeah all right, yes, overcomefort positive. Yes, we'll
do it there, we'll finish our conversation. Anyways, guys, love you,
Thank you so much, and I will see you on
(49:24):
the next episode. Peace Out. This is a production of
iHeartRadio and Mike podcast Network. Follow us on Instagram at
Mike Podcasts and follow me Cheeky's That's c h i
q u y s. For more podcasts from iHeart, visit
(49:44):
the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your
favorite shows.
Host
Chiquis
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