I Had a Miscarriage

Chiquis opens up about something she’s never before talked about at length: having a miscarriage. In this episode, she details her experience and shares how it’s affected her to this day. It’s something she’s kept private from many people – including her mother. 

If you’ve had a miscarriage and need help coping, there are resources like the non-profit organization, March of Dimes. For more information, visit MarchOfDimes.org.

Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.com

See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:03):
I just in my mind thought, okay, it's a girl.
I don't know why I thought it was a girl
in my mind. We made it. It It was a girl,
and we named the Teddy Bear Genesis. Again. I never
told my mom. I was afraid. I was so scared.
I don't know what I was gonna do. I don't
know what it would have been like to have a
child and also raising Johnny at the same time, and

(00:24):
my mom really needed me. And Welcome to another episode
of cheek Ease and Chill. I'm your host cheek Ease,
and I'm so happy you're here. Thank you so much
for listening. I hope you all had a great weekend.
Today's topic is going to be a little heavy, and

(00:45):
it's something I haven't talked about in depth and I
never thought I was going to. But this is a
space that I feel safest. So let's go and jump
into this episode of chick Ease and Chill. So, guys, today,
I'm going to share something extremely personal. I never thought

(01:07):
i'd share this, but I feel now is the time
to do it, especially because I mentioned a little bit
about it in one of my episodes, and of course
the media they go ahead and turn things around and
it got from a miscarriage into an abortion, which was
not the case. So I did have a miscarriage when

(01:30):
I was nineteen years old, So my mom did not
know about this. A lot of my family didn't know
about this, and not even my siblings. A couple of
my friends knew. Um that are no longer in my life. Actually,
and the guy that I was dating at the time,
which was my first or should I say, like I
had my boyfriend junr at sixteen, and then him and
I we broke up, so I guess this would be

(01:51):
like my second formal boyfriend. I've mentioned him before and
the reality shows that we've had on I Love Jenny
on Cheeks and Control all those reality shows. I talked
about him a little bit because he did play a
huge part in my life and growing up. His name
is Hector. He is now married to a wonderful woman
who I follow on Instagram. She's great. We talk here
and there. They have three beautiful boys now, and I

(02:13):
can honestly say that I was the one that ruined
that relationship. He was a really good guy and I
just wasn't ready. A lot of people know my mom
would call him her teddy Bear. So if you guys
don't know who Hector is, my mom would always say
her teddy bear. On I love Jenny. So I was
with him. I was eighteen, about to turn nineteen, and
we stayed together, I think until I don't know, twenty eleven,

(02:34):
and things just didn't work out. We tried and we tried,
and he was actually the first person to ask me
to marry him, and I canceled the wedding a month before,
so I think that really just broke his heart. I
just wasn't ready to leave the nest. I didn't want
to leave my family, and he was just like, we
can't live at your mom's house, and I guess we can.
We can live in my mom's house. And I just
wasn't ready. I was young, you guys, but that relationship
really did teach me a lot. Anyways, a shout out

(02:56):
to him. I'm so happy for him and that he's
doing well. And I loved his wife. She's awesome. But guys,
this is the guy that I got pregnant at nineteen,
and again I never told my mom. I was afraid.
I was so scared. I didn't know what I was
gonna do. But before I knew that I was pregnant.
I was already kind of late, like I think, like

(03:17):
four days late on my period, and I thought, well,
I'm pretty regular, you guys, So I'm like, okay, I
didn't really know it was nineteen. I didn't really talk
about it too much with my period, Like it was
like a thing that we didn't talk about in my family,
like periods and all that stuff and a lot of stuff,
you know, with my mom. So I didn't really ask questions.
I was having unprotected sex with him. I had been like, yeah,

(03:38):
like four days that I had missed my period, and
I was bringing down from our house in Corona, where
we lived at the time, and I was bringing some
dirty laundry from upstairs in a basket and I was
carrying in front of me, so I couldn't see the
steps when I was coming down, so I rolled and
I fell right on my butt. That hurts so bad.

(03:58):
I'll never forget. I just I'm so glad I didn't
fall on my face because I could have. Because I didn't.
I couldn't have. I couldn't hold anything, so I just
kind of fell on like the last four steps and
just landed on my butt. I didn't think anything of it.
I said, okay, I fail whatever, you know, fine. I
think a week passed by or not even It was
like three or four days and I took a pregnancy

(04:19):
test and I was pregnant. Um. I took another one
and it said positive, and I said, oh my goodness.
So I said all right, and I told him. I
was like, so scared. I told him, and he was
so happy and so excited, and I was scared. I
was terrified. I was like, what am I going to do?
I am scared? Or what am I going to tell
my mom? She's gonna kick me out? And I was
just so afraid. Anyways, I don't know, but after I

(04:43):
told him, I want to say a few days later,
its happened a long time ago, you guys. I don't
remember exactly everything. But a few days later, I just
started bleeding crazy. I was thinking of telling my mom
when she got back from out of town, just tell her, hey,
I'm pregnant, you know. But I don't know if it
was the fall, the stress, what happened. But I just
started bleeding and I bled so much it was crazy.

(05:04):
It hurt horribly. So I had a miscarriage. Apparently. Again
I was young. I didn't talk to anybody about it.
I was afraid, and it just stayed like that, and um,
of course him and I were sad about it. He
was very sad about it. We left it at that.
I never went to the doctor. I never even got
blood work done to say, oh, yeah, you're pregnant, but

(05:26):
I took the pregnancy tests that said I was. So
I'm telling you, when I had that miscarriage, there was
it was like chunks of blood and it just it
looked crazy. It was like a heavy, heavy, heavy period,
very painful. So anyways, that happened, and I remember going
to build a bear and I got him a gift
and I got him a little bear and I got

(05:49):
put a little dress on her. I just in my
mind thought, okay, it's a girl. I don't know why
I thought it was a girl. In my mind, we
made it it was a girl. And we named the
teddy bear. Genesis had her own little certificate, and I
gave it to him as a gift as kind of
like I'm sorry, Like you know, it's just a cute
little thing that him and I only knew about. No
one else knew. We never talked about it. I don't
think he ever told his family. Maybe his mom we told,

(06:10):
I don't remember. But anyways, so we were gonna name.
We named the baby that was in heaven Genesis, and
I always said it was like a girl in my mind.
So that was that. It was a very difficult time.
And then I think it was my next period that
I was having a lot of pain and I felt
very bloated, and so I went to the doctor. I

(06:31):
went to actually Planned Parenthood is where I went, and
they checked me and they said that they needed to
scrape my uterus, so they put me under to kind
of clean everything out. They said that I did and
I should have gone to the hospital if I had
a miscarriage, and you know, and I just didn't know
what to do. So they had to put me under
and just scrape everything. Scraped my uterus. I don't know

(06:52):
what it's called. I never felt anything. He picked me
up again. We never talked about it. They gave me
pain meds and then I was fine. I was regular,
and I've been regular since. But I don't know. I
think now I'm at a different point in my life,
and I feel I'm a woman now and there are
certain things that I would want to be honest about,

(07:13):
especially something like this. It's so delicate, so personal, and
I never had the chance to tell my mom. But
I can help other people, other young ladies that perhaps
are having miscarriages or don't know what to do or
too scared. And it's important because it can really affect you.
If you don't get the right medication to clean your
body out your uterus, it could really cause a deadly
infection in your uterus and and causing your ovaries and

(07:35):
things like that. So that's why I decided to talk
about it, and something that I haven't talked to Hector
about it, and I don't know. I mean, it's also
his story to tell, so I feel kind of bad
talking about it. But I'm sure he'll understand. He's in
a much better place now and I'm happy for him,
so hopefully he doesn't mind. But that is a story
with my little baby angel Genesis that I call her.

(08:03):
So I didn't tell my mom, and I didn't tell
her because I didn't have the chance to tell her
because then I had the miscarriage and I could have
told her after the miscarriage. But then I'm like, well,
for what what if she gets mad and then she
gets double mad. I don't know, you know, I don't know.
I was thinking so many things. But the reason I
didn't tell her was because I also felt like, what
if I let her down? She really needed me at

(08:24):
that time, and she loved Hector and she knew Hector
would take care of me. But I don't know. I
was just afraid. And then after it happened and I
saw how happy he was, then I thought, Okay, well
maybe it'll be okay. Maybe he could tell her. You know,
I think she would have been initially kind of shocked
and kind of like stressed out, like oh gosh, like
you're in my right hand, like what what are we
going to do? But we would have figured it out.

(08:45):
And really, when I knew she would have been fine
with it was when Jackie came home pregnant. She was
about what nineteen years or something like that, and she
came and my mom was happy. She was just ecstatic,
like it was just like, oh my god. Yes. I
don't know if she was just more ready or she
kind have expected it from Jackie more. But when I
helped Jackie tell my mom, and my mom was so

(09:05):
happy about it. I said, oh, wow, would have it
would have been the same thing it should have been.
It would have been cool. Or should I tell her?
I even thought, should I tell her about the miscarriage now?
But I didn't. I was just, again, always very like
seeking my mom's approval. I never wanted to disappoint her.
I didn't want her to be like, well, why are
you telling me now? And why didn't you tell me then?
You know? So I just said I'm just gonna stay
quiet and stay quiet about it. But I think she
would have reacted happy. Um. She was such a great grandma.

(09:28):
She loved Jayla and Luna so much. She didn't spend
that much time with with Luna. Luna was weeks old
when she passed, but she was in love. I remember
her telling me one day, I'm so sorry. I thought
I knew what love was with you guys, my children,
but it does not compare with the love that I
feel for my granddaughters. Like it's just this other love.
So I would always think Dane, like I would have

(09:50):
a baby right now, you know, how would she be?
And and and even when she passed that that's another
time when it came up, this whole thing how old
would would my daughter be or my child I would be,
you know, and and she would have seen one of
my kids, you know. I it just certain times it
would come up and they would go away. And I
was another reason why I said, after my mom passed,
I'm not going to have kids, because she wasn't going

(10:11):
to be able to be there holding my hand like
she was with Jackie while she was having her baby.
So then I saw Jackie pop out three more and
I said, Okay, it'll be fine, she's strong. I'll have Jackie.
They're holding my hand when I have babies. So anyhow,
I think the only person I ever told from my
family was my thea Brenda, my theo Juan's wife told

(10:32):
her years ago, and she is such a good secret
keeper because she never I don't even think told my
uncle told anybody. I never heard about it. Again. That's
the only person in my family actually that I told.
And she just hugged me and she said that she
understood that she was there for me. During that time,
I was working with my mom and I was helping

(10:54):
her with my siblings and the house and the bills
and all that stuff. I've said this before, but some
of you may know this, but my plan after high
school was I'm going to the Air Force. I'm going
to shave my head, and I am going to use
the Air Force to figure out what I want to do.
Because the Air Force, after you're they're serving for four years,
then they give you and they pay for your college education.

(11:15):
So my thing was, let me not to figure out
if I want to be a psychologist, what do I
want to do. So that was my plan, and that
plan was dismissed because my mom, unfortunately or fortunately, I
don't know whatever, you know, she's not here to say,
but she got divorced from Juan Lopez, which is Johnny
and Jensica's dad, and she said I need you, I

(11:37):
need you, and I need you to help me with
the kids. And her career was on the rise and
she was doing so well. So she said that plan
that you have to go to the Air Force. I'm sorry,
but I need you. So I didn't go. And I
had already spoken to that particular branch at school and everything.
I had talked to my counselor, and so I had
to say that I wasn't gonna go anymore. And I

(12:00):
after high school, I went straight into helping my mom
with her enterprises and helping her with the perfume and
everything that we did together, anything and everything she taught me.
I went to the University of Jenny Rivera or should
I say University of Hard Knock Life, and my professor
was Jenny Rivera, so she taught me anything and everything
that I know and how to take care of a

(12:20):
household and take care of children. I mean, I had
been take care of my siblings since I was ten
years old, but really when I graduated high school and
then it became a job and I started getting paid
for it, I was a little bit of everything. I
was her assistant. I did her hair sometimes, I was
her personal shopper. I did everything because during that time,
she was coming up. So we had helped. My dear Brenda,

(12:40):
That's why I told her, because she was the closest
to me at the time. She was working for my
mom as her secretary, so she helped. But in reality,
it was a mom and I during that time, and
she was going through a horrible divorce and she was
very sad, and I had to help with Johnny, who
was a baby. So in reality, Johnny is my child.
You got is my mom said, it's six months, here's

(13:01):
your kid. I gotta go work. So I was the
one that winged Johnny off, his off, his bottle, off
his Troop one pacifier, took him to school. I mean,
he was my kid, you guys, him and Jessica. So
I had a lot of responsibility during that time. But
I wouldn't change it. I wouldn't change it for the world.
For a long time, like I said, I was sad
about the miscarriage. I felt like something was wrong with

(13:23):
my body, something was wrong with me. But I learned
to say, you know what, God knows why he does things,
and we may not understand them at the moment, and
we may even question him, but he always knows why.
I don't know what it would have been like to
have a child and also raising Johnny at the same time,
and my mom really needed me, and you know, she

(13:44):
had just gotten divorced. So it's just then I started
thinking like, okay, when a Kistamo's And for a long time,
it did change my perspective on having children. I thought like,
oh my goodness, if this is painful, I don't even
know what it's like to have a child to your
vagina you know. So I was like, I don't know
if I want to go through that. And for a

(14:05):
long time, actually t m I, but I didn't have
sex with him for a while after that because I
was so traumatized. I said, oh my gosh, no, I
don't want to even take the chance of getting pregnant.
Was so painful. It was so heartbreaking, you know, and
I felt for him that I had let him down.
So he understood. He was so patient and he was
just like, don't worry about it. So yeah, in that part,
he was very patient because I was a hot mess

(14:27):
during that time. The crazy thing is that Hector and
I had kind of calculated to that, I remember her
name was Genesis, that her birthday was going to be
sometime in December. So for a long time, for I
think like a couple of years, him and I secretly
and quietly celebrated her birthday with the cute little teddy bear.
I know where the teddy bear is now, that's so crazy,
I'm thinking about him. I had a cute little dress,

(14:48):
a pink little dress, and we would celebrate her birthday
because we thought, okay, if we calculate right, it would
be born in December. So the first year, we got
a little cake and we blew out the handles and
said happy Birthday, and we had a little teddy bear there.
And then after that it was just we would spend
time together and just kind of mention it, like, oh,
she would probably be born around this time. There was
never like really a specific day. I just always thought, okay,

(15:12):
like it's somewhere in the middle of December, and we
would just kind of just mention her and look at
the sky and hold her. And now I really want
to know where she's at. Darn it. I'm like, I
wonder where she is. She's probably my storage somewhere. But yeah,
we did that for a few years, and then after
we kind of just said, okay, it's time to just
let that rest because it was really affecting me emotionally.

(15:32):
So I'm just remembering all these things. It's crazy because
I'm going back and I really hope that this conversation
doesn't affect his relationship in any way, which it shouldn't,
you know, because again, that happened a long time ago.
But yeah, it's kind of cool to go back and
remember those things and those nice moments that we lived
and stuff, you know. Because I'm really grateful for him
and for his family. And I still have contact with

(15:54):
his sister, which is Michael More because him and I
um we baptized her son, so we have a god
son together there. Him and I haven't spoken in years.
I think the last time we spoke was when my
mom passed. He was there with my whole family helping us,
and I think he was already dating his girlfriend that's
now his wife, and he was really nice, and you know,
my whole family loves him. That's the last time I
think I ever spoke to him or saw him. But

(16:15):
I keep it cool if I see his mom, his mom,
his family, all of them played a huge role in
my life, and I'm so greatful. We were together about
four years, four and a half years. So I just
wanted to share this guy's ladies, if you have gone
through it, if you're going through it, speak to someone
a therapist. It doesn't have to be a family member,
it doesn't have to even be a friend. If you
don't want to tell people, it's just it's important to

(16:37):
talk about and let these feelings out. I highly suggest
it because you can really go into a dark hole thinking,
oh my gosh, something's wrong with me and I can't
give my person a baby and all this stuff because
even though at that time I wasn't necessarily ready, I
just knew, Okay, well it's happening, and I love this
guy and he really wants a baby. I know my

(16:58):
mom might be a little upset, but it is what
it is. And I was kind of already getting ready
to have the baby. But then when it happened and
it was taken from me and I had the miscarriage,
then I was like, oh my gosh. I went into
like a depression of like, oh my gosh, what is
wrong with me? Because he was really sad, and I'm
like I let him down and my body is not
right and what's going on? And then I don't know.

(17:18):
My doctor when I went to go get that procedure done,
said that fall could have something to do with it.
We don't know. It's just sometimes it just happens. It's
not something that you're necessarily doing wrong. I even asked,
am I eating something that I'm not supposed to eat? Like, no,
it's just sometimes your body doesn't hold the egg and
it just comes out. And and she helped me with
making me realize it was probably like three weeks something

(17:40):
like that. I remember three or four weeks something like that. Pregnant.
She says, not even a baby yet, it's not even formed.
It's it's a little bitsy bitty little seed. So don't
feel bad that you lost it. Like it's like, I'm like, well,
but I was. I was really sad about it, guys.
It really didn't affect me. So anyways, ladies, talk to someone,
don't be shy, get some therapy, and it'll help a lot.

(18:08):
Talking about it now is very healing for me because
it's something that I just kept deep, deep, deep inside
my heart for so long because a part of me
felt ashamed, felt like did I do something wrong? What's
wrong with my body? I thought like maybe I can't
have kids, and then I kind of left it alone
for a while. That's what I would think for years.

(18:29):
And I even thought, well, maybe my sexual abuse had
something to do with it. I don't know. I thought
so many different things, you guys. And I did speak
to a therapist about it. I think I was, I
don't know, about twenty three, and she gave me great
advice and I kind of after that. After I had
that conversation with her. I just left it behind. I said, Okay,
it is what it is. It's not my fault, it's
not my body's fault. It's just what happened. And I

(18:51):
kind of have to leave it there. After that miscarriage
is when I said, okay, I need to use condoms
because I wasn't. I didn't do birth control. I didn't
never did the pills. I didn't get my I U
D birth control until later I got the copper one.
But I just said, I I need to use condoms.
I don't want to go through this again, and so
should mind that therapist. That particular therapist help me a
lot with that. So I left it alone. And then

(19:14):
when I was doing the fertility and started the fertility
and all that stuff, and I found out about my
endometriosis and the CIST, it all came back again and
I'm like, oh, my goodness, does this have to do
with that? You know? And I did it in silence,
because you know, I think I actually told my husband
about it. He didn't have much to say about it.
He just kind of like, okay, you know, just it happens.
You know. He didn't make me feel bad about it.

(19:35):
He didn't nothing, and that was that. But it came
back to me and then I talked to my life
coach about it and again gave me great advice, and
I felt like, am I broken? You know, as a woman,
it's like, am I broken? Is something wrong with me?
And said, well, didn't you go to your fertility doctor?
Like yeah, and what did he say? And I'm like, yeah,
you're right. So it's just coming back and speaking to
people about it, and and ladies that have had miscarriages.

(19:58):
I feel for you. I know what it is. I
know that it's not something you just talk about and
and you do sometimes feel like it's something wrong with me.
These are the things that I think. So I'm with you,
my heart's with you, and don't feel ashamed. I think
it happens so much and a lot of us don't
talk about it. And the aftercare that's important to have

(20:19):
that I didn't do because I was so young and
didn't know. Don't be ashamed, not everyone. You don't have
to tell everyone like I'm doing right now, but it
is something that just know it's okay, and thank goodness
for fertility doctors that can help us if we need it.
So I did want to just state that because I
know a few of my friends have had them and

(20:40):
we've had these conversations, and even when they would tell
me they had them, I didn't necessarily tell them about mine.
I didn't think it was necessary to share it with,
for instance, Emilio, unless I think he asked. If you
were to ask me, well, now he's gonna know because
he's gonna hear the podcast. But if you were to
ask me, I would definitely just say yeah. I mean,
I think it's something so personal that I don't feel

(21:01):
the need to share it with the relationship with a
significant other. It's something that I didn't think throughout the
years that I had to share unless they asked. I
didn't tell a Medio. But now he knows and we'll
have a conversation about it. But I think it's something
that happened before him, and it's part of my story.
I feel like, you know, but I think maybe I

(21:22):
should because I know he really wants children, and I've
had the conversation with him what if I can't. What
if my body just says I can't have kids? Are
you going to be okay with that? And he says yes?
Because he doesn't have any children of his own, but
we don't know. So that's why I'm gonna I'm going
through again through the fertility process because I do want
to freeze my eggs and I want to make sure

(21:43):
that I have that option and I have them. They're
just in case for whatever reason. I mean, I would
be okay with having a surrogate if I can't carry
the baby for whatever reason, as long as it's his
sperm oror embryo, which would be my egg and his
sperm in in someone else as a surrogate. I'm okay
with that. I asked him, and he's I yeah, that
he's okay with that as well. But he wants to
try naturally and try everything before that. So we've talked

(22:06):
about it, and I think now is the time that
I'm gonna have to talk about him. Maybe maybe before
this episode airs, I'll talk to him about about this
whole topic and let him know about that. I'm sure
he'll be fine with it. He understands. You know what
happened A long time agout you guys, because I'm not
sure sometimes if I want to have children. There are
times when I love kids and kids love me. I
love loving on my friends kids, my sister's kids, my

(22:29):
nieces and nephews. Like I love children, but I've raised
so many that I don't know. I feel like I've
already done that. I've gone to school conferences, I've done everything,
you know, with Johnny and Jessica and even Jackie. I
would take her to her first day of school in
high school, you guys, even in high school. I mean
to go open up her locker to show her all
her classes. Like I was a mom. I've been a
mom since I can remember, So I don't know. But

(22:52):
then I stopped saying I don't want kids because then
I felt like the words that I was speaking, we're
causing things in my body, like cysts killing my eggs.
But that's basically what cis we're doing. We're killing my
eggs to not have children. So it changes things, and
it's like, Okay, now my body is actually telling me
that there's a possibility I can't. So when it's like

(23:13):
you can't, then you want it, you know. So I'm
trying to change my words, and I'm like, if it's
meant to be, it'll be. Like I said earlier in
one of my episodes, I'm not necessarily trying to get pregnant,
but I'm not on birth control. I'm just kind of like, God,
if this is what's meant to be, it's going to be.
I am on hormone therapy, so I'm sure that has
some effect on why I'm not getting pregnant. But according

(23:36):
to Dr Gader, my fertility doctor, I can and I
should probably try getting pregnant soon. He also said that
the cysts will go away once I have kids, that
my body is also asking to have kids. But also
if I keep those cysts in there, they're killing my eggs.
So it's just a lot of things. And I thought
maybe I should talk about the miscarriage and talk about
that moment in my life that was really scary, and

(23:59):
I probably should have told my mom and I was
going to keep the baby. Um him and I talked
about it's like okay, well, well you know, yeah, like
we gotta keep the baby. I just need some time
to talk to my mom. I'm scared, but things happened.
I'm a firm believer that things happened for a reason.
That is my story. Because I felt that I needed
to do an episode on it because again, the media

(24:19):
twists so many things, and their clickbait is crazy. Thank
God for My Chickens and Chill podcast because I can
talk about anything and everything here with you guys. Thank
you guys so much for listening to today's episode. This
one was definitely a tough one to open up about,
and if you're struggling with a similar situation, just no,
you're not alone. There are resources out there to help you.

(24:41):
Will actually list some of the resources in this episode
show notes, so make sure you look out for those.
And today's motivational Monday quote is I am not what
happened to me. I am what I choose to become Again,
you guys are amazing all the listeners. You guys have
made this podcast one of the popular ones, so I
am so grateful. This is a production of I Heart

(25:11):
Radio and Michael Dura podcast Network. Follow us on Instagram
at Michael Dura Podcasts and follow me chick ees that's
c h I q U I s. For more podcasts
from My Heart, visit the I Heart Radio app, Apple podcast,
or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.