February 21, 2022 • 38 mins
Emmy Olea, a Mexican American transgender woman, shares her unbelievable story with Chiquis. Everything from growing up with parents and grandparents involved with drugs, to raising her siblings, substance abuse addictions and transitioning. We also hear what she thinks about the entertainment industry and where it is in terms of representation.
For LGBTQIA+ resources: https://www.thetrevorproject.org/
Emmy’s podcast, “Crumbs,” is available now: https://www.iheart.com/podcast/1119-crumbs-92620231/
Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.com
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Uh, can I ask you about how you came to
the realization that you were a woman? And I started
taking inventory of myself and I discovered that I was
a woman. My coworkers and I were going to a
(00:21):
Genera concert in San of the Casino, and this was
my first outing full time as a woman. Here I
am at a big event. They're gonna clock me, they're
gonna name call me, they're gonna they're gonna like I'm
going down. It's because of women like you that are
(00:48):
open enough to share their stories that are going to
change the game in the transgender community. Hello everyone, and
welcome to another episode of che He's in Chill. I'm
your host, Cheek E's, and I hope you all are
having a great day. For today's episode, we're going to
be opening up our hearts and our minds because we're
(01:08):
going to be diving into a very important topic, one
that isn't talked about enough in my opinion, especially in
the lent community. We're going to be joined by a
transgender woman and here's some of the challenges she's faced
throughout her life. I'm really looking forward to this conversation,
so let's dive right into it. Guys. This is chick
Eas and Chilly. Today's guest is Emiol. She is an actor,
(01:39):
writer and a podcast host. He'd invite me over to
have dinner with his family. I knew he didn't tell
them that it was transgender, and I didn't know if
being new or not. Adam said, if this question ever
comes up, just her new podcast, Crumbs, is part of
(02:00):
you Know the family. I Heart Radio Network, and we
will learn a little bit more about that a little later,
but let's hear more about her story. Welcome, Emmy. It's
so good to hear from you. How are you, Hi, geez,
thank you so much for having me. I'm really excited
to be here, of course, No, I'm really excited. This
is something that I'm very passionate about. I've had personal
(02:21):
experiences and I have family members, and not only that,
I feel that it is a huge taboo still in
our Latin community, and this is why I'm so excited
to have a podcast where we're able to speak about
anything and everything that we want. So, first of all,
congratulations on your podcast Crumbs. Thank you, that's awesome. I'm
so so excited You're part of the family. So right here, Okay,
(02:47):
so I can tell you're such a strong and positive force,
but I know you probably weren't always like this. Can
you share a little bit about your background. Where did
you grow up. I'm from San Diego, so California girl.
My mom was fourteen but she had me. My dad
was sixteen, and my parents were gang being troubles from
rival gangs. No way, so interesting how they met, but
(03:09):
here I am. You know, they hadn't when they were
so young, and they didn't know what the heck they
were doing. I had really no structure whatsoever. Growing up.
I was allowed to do whatever I wanted because they
didn't know what they were doing. These were just kids
having kids. Did you feel like you were growing up
also with your parents like you felt like because my
mom was fifteen when she had me, so I sometimes
(03:30):
even felt like I was her mom sometimes, you know.
So interesting, No, because my parents shortly after I was
born became menting to drugs, and so that started their
cycle of like being in institutions. Actually, my dad kind
of dipped out when I was one year old, so
it's pretty much my mom and me, and then my
grandmother stepped in to raise me. Okay, so you were
(03:53):
raised by your grandmother, I was okay, And do you
have siblings, emmy, I do, yeah, and the eldest our
age differences are seven, twelve and nineteen. But you know,
my grandma stepped in to raise me. She provided me
with stability, home love while my mom was out doing
her stuff, doing her hustle. She was in and out.
(04:14):
So I didn't really have a really strong relationship from
the beginning with my mom until I was a little
bit older. Okay, I see, But thank goodness for your grandma. Yeah,
she was an amazing woman. And talking about her, did
you were you open with her about what you felt like?
How old were you when you started feeling did you
feel that way? You can? I ask you? Did you
(04:34):
feel trapped in in another body? Like? Can you explain
to me like your experience. Yeah, No, that wasn't my experience.
I didn't feel trapped in another body as a kid.
I felt like it was very different. And maybe I
think because it was the eighties, things were so different.
We didn't have the terminology that we have now. The
lifestyle was completely different. Growing up in a very Mexican household,
(04:55):
that just wasn't something you talk about. Everyone knew that
I was different. Okay, So I was born little blonde hair,
blue eyed little boy who acted like a girl. I
was very feminine, and from the get go people knew
that I was different. So my grandmother, she knew that
I was different. So she protected me a lot, especially
from my aunts, because my aunts were like that, you
(05:16):
don't nor whatever exactly, Like my grandmo was like, they
can't know, they can't mean, because you know, I was
her favorite. She was raising me and she protected me.
That was kind of short lived because when I was
seven years old, my grandmother disappeared. And what happened is
(05:37):
I was seven years old. I was taken to school,
my grandmother was arrested. I was picked up by my
paternal grandparents and they told me that my Mamilicia, my grandmother,
was in jail with my mom, with my stepdad, with
my aunt, with the maid, with the mechanic. Everyone who
was at the house that day got arrested. We had
(05:59):
been under investigation for some time now. Cover story of
the San Diego Union Tribune. Right this woman is arrested
for trafficking four SENTI five pounds of cocaine across the border.
One of her workers dot caught and away. She went,
so all the stability that I had with my grandmother.
You know, she gave me everything I ever wanted, material, possessions, love.
(06:24):
I felt like it was unconditional love. And then that's
when my mom stepped in. She had to. She had
no choice because what was going to happen to me? So,
you know, she did the best that she could, still
using drugs, she got pregnant. She had my sister, Andrea,
and she taught me how to make a bottle, how
to change a diaper, said I'll be back. She didn't
(06:46):
come back that night. The very next morning, my aunt
picked us up. My mom had been arrested hustling in
her drug use, and my sister and I were separated.
I went to live with my paternal grandparents. My sister
went with an aunt. And from that moment, you start
feeling like what is wrong with me? I knew I
was different. I didn't like the same things that other
(07:06):
boys liked. I got made fun of, you know, like
you're like really derogatory chicks that they would use, you know,
especially the Latinos used that word so much. Yeah, so
I grew up with just so much shame about who
I was. After a year my mom being incarcerated. She
(07:27):
got released to a halfway house, and what happened is
she skipped parole and she moved this to school, which
is where my family is from. We were pretty much
on the run for four years. I'm gonna say that's
when I really bonded with my mom because she was
clean from drugs. My grandmother from prison was still giving
(07:47):
orders like you know, this is what you're gonna do,
this is how you're gonna live. She had properties in Mexico,
so nothing was missing. We had everything we needed. We
were provided for, so my mom didn't even have to work.
She's just was the housewife. But then she picked up
drugs again and we ended up coming back to the
US when my sister Daniela was born, and we've been
(08:08):
here since. You were how old when your sister Andrea
was was born? You said seven? You were seven, okay,
So that that happened all so quickly, like being under
your grandma's wing, and then she was gone, and then
you had your sister. Your mom had your sister Andrea,
and then you had this responsibility since so young. Like
that's where I feel like we have that in common
(08:30):
where we're the eldest, and we have this responsibility that
wasn't really ours at such a young age, and it
forces us to mature so quickly and kind of miss
out on our childhood. Did you feel like you missed
out on your childhood in some way? I don't feel
like I had a childhood. And this is what one
of the resentments I always had towards my mom that
(08:51):
I didn't get to live as a kid. I was
always picking up after her. I was in charge of
cleaning and combing Andrea's hair, getting her ready for school,
picking out her outfits, caring for her, and also, like
you know, the protective person, and he wanted to make
sure that she was shielded from things that happened as
a result of my mom being in her addiction. Did
(09:11):
you feel like at times that you resented her in
a way? Your mom? Absolutely. I know you've talked about this,
like I loved her, but I didn't like her. You know,
I had so much resentment growing up towards my mom,
and I said, I will never do drugs, I will
never be an alcoholic. I wanted to be very different,
and so I applied myself. I applied myself in school
and I said, I'm going to be an honor student.
(09:33):
I'm gonna go to college. I'm going to get a degree.
I'm going to break the cycle of like this fuck up,
dysfunctional family that I have. I did pretty good for
the most part. So you know, even throughout high school,
I was still like very effeminate. Everyone just said, you know,
the gay kid or or whatever, you know, those terrible
things that we grew up Back then, Queer was like
(09:56):
not a cool word, and that's what they would call me.
Here's the thing I want to preface, like everything I
mentioned is my experience. Right, there's like no umbrella term
for the trans community. It's just my experience, which I
was going to tell you. I saw that especially with
your podcast. It's kind of this is my experience. I'm
not representing the community as a whole. It's just this
(10:17):
is who I am, and I'm speaking about myself, which
I like, I think it's I think it's a good thing.
And then I respect that. So absolutely you you thank you.
This is your space too, so you go ahead and
say like it is. So then you know what happened
is I was gonna I got admitted to three universities.
I was so excited because I was finally on my
way to be successful. And then my mother got arrested
(10:40):
at the border for crossing I have the amount of methamphetamines.
She was given a prison sentence, and my sisters were
being shuffled from house to house. My grandmother, who was
out of prison at the time, she was older, and
she said, I can't take care of these girls. It's
too much for me. Because by this time I had
a little Adrian. He had already been born and she
(11:02):
was taking care of him and he was a baby.
So what happened is I put my life on hold.
I got a job that paid me well. I went
before the judge and I got custody of my two
younger sisters and I raised them. And that was the
most challenging thing that I've ever gone through, but also
the most rewarding one. They became like my everything. Oh
my goodness. I mean, we have a lot in common.
(11:25):
Your baby brother was how old at this time, So
Adrian was about a year old baby. He was a
baby baby back then. So you weren't able to go
to the university. You just said, I'm going to get
a job and try to raise my sisters exactly, and
that's what I did. I did the best that I could.
I mean, they didn't come with instructions, and I was
just like, fuck it, I'm gonna do what I think
(11:46):
is the best for them and just give them stability,
show them that there is a better way of life
out here, because by this time, you know, my mom,
they're living in motels, they're living in random places, and
so they're me picking up the bad habits my sister
and that I was kind of headed that way, and
I was like, God, I don't want my sister. I
really don't want that for her because I had so
(12:08):
much fear that she was gonna end up on drugs
in jail or dead. That's like my biggest fear, and
I carry that fear for so long with my parents.
So anyway, I stepped in. I raised them. But all
the resentment and all the like hate I felt towards
my mom just grew and grew and grew, because here
I am picking up after her again and putting my
life on hold. I started abusing alcohol. That was like
(12:32):
my way to cope, and then that led to other stuff, okay,
like hard drugs, harder drugs that led to me blacking out.
I'm a blackout drinker. Like I drink enough and I
black out. Wake up and I hear about things that
I did, and it's like, holy sh it, I did that,
Like I can't see myself doing that. I was so
unhappy with the person who I was. I knew that
(12:55):
I wasn't happy internally. Yes, I was abusing alcoholis abusing drugs,
but also when I looked in the mirror cheeks, I
didn't like what I saw. And you hadn't transitioned at
this point, correct, but you had accepted I'm gay or
you hadn't accepted that. It's interesting because I had accepted
that I was gay. However, I didn't have that experience
(13:18):
of like I'm gay, I'm out and proud and I'm
gonna like go day and have fun. That wasn't my experience.
I was ashamed that I was gay. I couldn't find
my place because I wasn't dating gay man. I wasn't
attracted to them, so I didn't really have relationships as
a gay man. It's interesting, and I that's the only
way I can explain it. I couldn't find my place.
(13:40):
The reason I asked these questions is because my brother Johnny,
he's he's my baby. We went through this, you know
where he went through like no I he was eleven
years old and he was just confused about his sexuality
and for a long time he was just upset and
had these thoughts of suicide. And it was so hard
art because he was like, this is what I like,
(14:02):
but I don't want to like what I like, like
I want to be quote unquote normal. And it took
a while to just say, Johnny, like, you need to
just say it out loud and little by little. I
can't push you into saying it loud and proud, but
you have if this is what you like, this is
what your body desires, you have two little by little
start accepting that because if not, it's going to cause
(14:24):
other things. And I think maybe this is what I'm hearing.
I mean, I don't know. I mean, obviously you did
have a very rough childhood and your parents and then
your grandma and then having to take the responsibility of
your sisters. You felt alone and you felt like you
didn't have a support system. Is that correct? And it
kind of lead you into alcohol. Makes me feel good
for the moment. A big part of it is that
(14:46):
I felt like I had let my family down right.
I was like the first born male. My family is
very Mexican Catholic, and I felt very traditional. And my grandmother,
not my mom's mom, but my dad's mom, would tell
me things like and you know, things like that, like
(15:08):
since it's always a kid. I could see the look
of disappointment in their face when they'd see me, or
the way I expressed myself, and then my grandmother would say,
I know I'm looking nas that was hurtful, of course, absolutely, dude. Yeah,
sometimes I feel like they don't realize that things that
they say are elders, like how much they can affect
(15:31):
our life. Our hearts are little minds, you know, because
you're so young, you're still trying to figure things out
within yourself, within your body, and then having someone that
you love tell you this, it's just absolutely I totally
get that. And when did you start your transition? How
old were you when you started? So what happened is
I try to kill myself? Oh man? Yeah, after years
(15:53):
of abusing drugs and alcohol, I decided that I didn't
want to live anymore. I drink a bottle of pills,
a big old bottle. My sisters and found me, and
by this time and that I was driving, so she
drove me to the hospital to the emergency room. My
liver started to shut down. I was hospitalized for seven days,
and on the last day that I was there, the
(16:14):
doctor said, you know what, you're very lucky that you're
not dead. You put your liver through hell, I'm gonna
discharge you. Just take it easy. So I'm excited, like
I'm packing, I'm getting ready to go home. And then
these two E m t s walk up. They asked
for me by name, and they said, we're going to
take you to the psychiatric ward because this was technically
a suicide attempt. So there I go into the psych word.
(16:36):
I walk in and it wasn't my first time there.
I had been a regular there because I had so
many fucking demons inside me that I just always wanted
to offer myself. And the doctor said, hey, welcome back.
He saw my chart. He said, you know what, I
really want you to look around the rooms here. And
(16:57):
I looked and you could see the patients nodding off
in a corner, you know, And he said, these people
here have severe mental issues. And I suspect that what
you have is an addiction problem. So I'm going to
make a deal with you. I'm gonna let you out
of here if you check out recovery a recovery meeting.
(17:19):
You know, at this time, I feel like this small
I have nothing to lose. So I said, all right,
let's do it. I started going to these meetings and
I started doing the work that we do in a
top step program, and I started taking inventory of myself
and I discovered that I was a woman. That was
a turning point for me. And do you feel that
(17:41):
ever since that happened, where you're like, I'm a woman,
you felt like you were happier in every way? Or
was it still a little bit of an uphill battle? Okay,
So I played with a thought for months, and it
was a bit of an uphill battle because I thought
of everyone else. I thought of my sisters, I thought
of my grandparents, I thought of my friends. This was
(18:02):
a big commitment and I had to be sure that
I was going to take this leap of faith. And
it's a scary one. Oh my god, it was so scary.
And so I started seeing a doctor about hormones. I
started taking the hormones before going full time as a woman.
I was working at the time at the phone company,
and I told him, Hey, this is what's going to happen.
(18:24):
I'm going to transition. And they're like, okay, great, They're
very cool about it. Just bring us any sort of
like documentation, any legal name change or whatever. So I
did that, and then it was time to tell my family.
My mom's side of the family is very conservative. My
(18:48):
dad's side of the family, even though they're very much
he'stas and very like be a boy, be a boy.
They they're more what's the word. So then being like
they're cool, like there, they have fun, they drink. Okay,
they're a little bit more open minded. I guess you
can say that. Okay, my mom's family is a little
more proper, and my dad's family is more like you
(19:10):
know this melody, okay, yeah, So yeah, I get it.
I don't know how I get it down tripped. So
I sat down with my nana, with my daughta and
my uncle and I told him, Nana got that. I'm
trying to remember exactly what I told him. Damn it,
what was it. I was just so fucking nervous, and
(19:32):
I said, just get it. Out quick, get it out quick.
I'm like, oh my goodness. And I remember that. I remember.
I remember their eyes were just like dead stare and
it was just like silence at the table. Nobody was
saying anything, and I'm dying inside. I'm like, holy sh it,
what did I just do? And then my nana, she's
(19:54):
such a jokester, she looks at me, she's like the first,
Oh my goodness, that was like the first thing she said,
and that just like broke the eyes. Everybody started laughing.
And then my daughter just said like okay, and it
(20:14):
was like that, Wow, here's the thing. Check. By this time,
I had already put my family through hell with my addiction,
with my drinking. They just wanted me to be safe.
They wanted me to be happy. They wanted me to
be living because the things that happened to me in
(20:35):
my addiction we're freaking scary. We're talking about I'd get
lost in the juana for days and they didn't know
if I was dead or alive. Okay, how long was this?
How many years of this give or take do you think? Oh,
let's see, I'm gonna say good five six years of it? Okay.
So it was very It was tormenting for for them emotionally,
(20:56):
I'm sure so for them to be getting calls at
two o'clock, three o'clock in the morning that I'm stranded
or that I'm in trouble, or that I'm here, that
I'm in a hospital. This was just like, you know,
when I got sober, they were like, oh, thank god.
So by the time I transitioned, they were like, you
know what, we just want you to be okay for
the rest. So yeah, and how long have you been
(21:19):
sober now? I mean I've been sober for fourteen years. Wow,
that's awesome. Oh wait, but how did your mom's side
of the family take it, because this is your dad's
side of the family, right, This is my dad's side
of the family, So with my mom and you know,
this is my grandma, my mommy Lecha, who raised me
like I was like, I was her everything. But you know,
my little brother kind of replaced me in that area.
(21:40):
But I was cool with it. I was cool with
you know, she raised him since he was born. Because
my mom was in jail, and it took me longer
to tell them. I kind of distanced myself from them
because that's the kind of person that I used to
be right, to avoid conflict, to avoid pain, I just turned.
I just distanced myself from you instead of addressing it.
And so I had been living as a woman not
(22:02):
it wasn't you know. Immediate after I told my paternal
grandparents and it was a little it took me a
little while, but I walked in and you know, by
this time, they had already heard about it, and they
didn't know what to expect. Yeah, they had heard about it,
but it was kind of like, you know, do I
contact or do I not? Do I say? And then
I thought, you know what, life's too short. I gotta
(22:24):
tell them. They have to know. So I told them
and I had a phone call with them first, and
then I walked in to see them. And I remember
walking into the living room and my mom, Lea was
at the table. She was on the phone with one
of my aunts and she's like, what it was very
It was so so weird, and she just looked at
me and she's like, you want eat this? That's that
(22:48):
was what she said. And she got up and hugged me,
and it was like I could breathe. Yeah, it was
kind of like a breath of fresh air. For sure.
Can I ask you about how you came to the
realization that you were a woman? Like I'm sure people
listening right now who are unsure about their place in
(23:08):
the world maybe are facing this. What can you share
with them, like maybe they have a similar battle, like
you know what I mean, Like what helped you come
to that realization? For me, it was, you know, like
I said, I had gotten sober and I was really
diving deep into myself. I was like soul searching. I
needed to know what were the things that made me
act the way that I was acting when I was
(23:29):
in my disease, in my addiction, and literally taking inventory
on paper about who I was. And then I always
felt like, God, I wish I was born a girl,
but I never put more thought than that, you know,
because I like the glamour, like the makeup, the hair,
the clothes. You know. Andrea was my little barbeque to
(23:50):
dress her the way I wanted. And one day she
turned around and she was in high school, you know,
like she's going to high school where everyone's wearing you know,
really casual clothes, and she's going with boots and jeans
and like really nice clothes. And she looked at me.
She's like, why do you dress me like this? She's like,
if you like it so much, why don't you dress
yourself like this? Oh? She told you she did. I
(24:12):
was like, you just have to look at always, And
so all these little things starting adding up for me. Oh,
I've always wanted to like, you know, that comment always
stuck in my mind. If you like it so much,
why don't you do it on you instead of me? Like, like,
I'm not your mannequin. That's pretty much what she told me.
And what happened is after I was doing this inventory
(24:33):
on myself and I realized that a lot of my
resentment was towards women. A lot of reasonings I had
towards women because they had what I yearned to have.
You know, the moment that I started wearing makeup and
letting my hair grow out, and that I started getting
(24:54):
breast development from the hormones and my skin got thinner
like that, the moment that all these things started changing
in me, it was like I started seeing in color,
Like the light just went on, So you were like
blossoming right before your eyes. I was I remember, I
have an interesting story. I remember I said, Okay, if
(25:19):
I'm going to be a woman, I need to learn
how to do makeup. I need to be able to
do my own makeup. So I went to the school
in New York. I took this makeup course, came back,
and I was so excited. I kept practicing at night.
But then I was like, I have to practice on
people too, And I was going to your mom's concert.
My coworkers and I were going to a Jenny Rita
(25:39):
concert in some of Casino, no Way. And this was
my first outing full time as a woman, Like it
was like my first big event where I was going
to be around a lot of people. And so we're
in the car and I turned on and tell my
friend Blankie that my co worker. I'm like, I might
get to let me practice on you. And she's like, okay,
(26:00):
do it. So I started giving her like, you know,
We're in the backseat of a car and I'm giving
like a smoky eyeshadow kind of look. And I'm fresh
out of school. I don't know what the funk I'm doing.
We get to the concert and she looks like a
fucking raccoon. Like so she's like, okay, let's go fix
(26:22):
it a little bit and like okay, and I'm like,
I'm me dressed as a woman. My hair wasn't that
long at that point, but I think I had like
a half wig. And I was wearing these wedges, tight jeans,
a tank top, and I was fucking scare cheekys because
here I am at a big event. They're gonna clock me,
(26:45):
they're gonna name call me, They're gonna they're gonna like
I'm going down right? But did you feel fabulous though?
Or you were more scared? I felt fabulous and it
was mortified. And the moment your mom came out and
started seeing, I let go of all those fears and
I had a wonderful time and I felt like myself
like free. I felt so fucking free. You felt alive.
(27:09):
I felt alive. And nobody talks it to me, Nobody
name called me. Everybody was just having fun, enjoying the moment.
And I was like, Okay, this is who I am.
So is it safe to say that my mother was
like your Marina, she's your Marina of like, you know Emmy,
(27:30):
the birth of Emmy being out and out of being
like that was like my first big event. And I remember,
just because you know, you never know what's going to happen, Like,
oh my god, what do I do that? You know,
how do I act? Are people gonna be staring at me?
Are they gonna throw things at me? Or they're gonna
call me things? Are they gonna beat me up? All
these things were like valid fears that I had as
a trans woman at the time, for sure, because I
(27:52):
was still like I didn't look like this, that's for sure.
But you had a good time. It makes me so happy,
had an amazing time. It's good. That makes me so happy. Honestly,
shout out to my mama. She had the best concerts
as someone who is transgender, and also as someone who
(28:15):
works in the entertainment industry because you are an actor
and now you have your podcast. Do you think that
we're making progress on representation and TV and film? I
love that you're asking that because that's one of the
conversations that I keep having with my colleagues, that I
keep having with casting directors, with you know, my representation
(28:36):
diversity in Hollywood. We're making progress, we are, We're not
there yet, So it's like a little dab. It's a
little dab, yes, And you know, there have been a
lot more roles available for the lgbt Q plus community.
I love seeing that we're not there yet. We still
have a lot of work to do. But what do
(28:57):
you think, I mean is the challenge though? Like what
what's stopping the progress in the industry. I really feel
it's a lot about education. We for many years, I mean,
I have lived in a heterosis world, so really it's
about continuing to educate. And it's not about pushing agendas
(29:19):
on anyone. Like I hate seeing that when when I
when I like, I saw a post her day and
they were like, stop trying to push your agenda on us.
You know, it's about like being loving and accepting towards all.
There's space for us all I think and get that
fact that I'm a firm believer in that. This is
(29:41):
why I wanted to And I'm glad you have your
podcast and we're gonna talk about that right now. But
like with these podcasts, it's speaking about these things. It's
is kind of like live and let live. If I'm
not doing anything to harm you, let me live my life,
(30:01):
you know what I mean. And that's something that I'm
glad that we can talk about. And now I can
see it more than ever. It's it's stuff that is
being more accepted. But yes, guys, live and let live
and worry about yourself and what you can do right
to better yourself. And I'm talking about the people that
are listening and just in general. Yeah, I mean, if
you have love and respect for humanity, that's so helpful.
(30:26):
I don't have any sort of like disrespect towards somebody
who doesn't align with the same beliefs that I do. Know,
I let them be. If they don't mess with me,
I'm not going to mess with them, right, It's just exactly,
And I mean I was always like this. This came
from like working on myself, trying to be a better
version of whom I was yesterday. Yeah, exactly. Every day
(30:49):
we've got to be a better version of ourselves and
focus on the things that we could change within. And
that also helps you, like not focusing so much on
what other people are doing or not doing. People that
are listening to us that also are transgender or part
of the LGBT plus community, like, what do you have
to tell them? Can you tell them something like to
you know, give them some type of some words of
inspiration empowerment. Absolutely don't let fear hold you back. That's
(31:14):
what held me back. I was so scared. After I transitioned,
I was like, there's no fucking way I'm gonna be
able to be an actor. There's no way. This was
before we had what we have now today we have
people who have paved the way for us. Right, So
I was like, oh, what am I going to do now? Like,
there's nothing else that I want to do. I had
(31:35):
so much fear. I was scared. Don't let that hold
you back. If you want something, go for it. I'm
a strong believer that what's meant for you is meant
for you, and I wish that I had the knowledge
and wisdom that I have today back then to just
go for it. I'm always a fucking way bloomer at everything.
That's just like, but hey, late bloomer or not, are
(32:00):
doing it and you haven't given up on your dreams,
and I honestly I applaud you for that. Are you
in a relationship? Are you in love? Well, I guess
you're gonna have to listen to the podcast to find
out A nice answer, girl, very nice, because okay, perfect,
I'm gonna for sure listen so I can find out
(32:20):
my answer to that question. So tell us tell us
about the podcast. Actually tell us about crumbs and white crumbs.
I'll tell you what crumbs. The show about things that
we settle for in life and the bits of ourselves
that make up our identity. That's what the show is about.
And so in Crumbs, I talk about what it's like
to be dating for a trans woman. I talk about
(32:41):
different relationships that I've had and what kind of crumbs
I've settled for just to feel like I'm loved, just
to feel like somebody wants me. Oh my goodness, I
love that. So every relationship I'm talking about what fucking
crumb I received, what I learned from it, which I've
grown from it. So from the first episode to the
(33:04):
last episode, you're going to see a completely different woman.
Oh my goodness. How exciting. Oh my gosh, congratulations on that.
Thank you. Well, it's not just about dating. It's also
settling for crumbs in our relationships with our family. And
you know, I have, like I have some sort of
a backstory with my family. So yes, you know what.
(33:26):
I love that. I think it's necessary, it's needed. I'm
excited to listen to Crumbs. Honestly, because I have been
through my share of relationships where I have settled to settle,
but I don't regret those relationships because, like you just said,
you learn from every experience. Every person that comes into
your life is a teacher to teach you something for
the next person. Was it hard to pitch the podcast? Oh?
(33:49):
You know what's so funny, I'll tell you how it happened.
What happened is I started speaking a lot at top
Step recovery meetings and people would come up to me
after the podium. You. I talked about my story, worry
about the growing, my childhood, what it was like, what happened,
my turning point with drugs and alcohol, and what happened after,
which is like transitioning, Like holy sh it, you know,
(34:09):
and people are just like, oh my god, you need
to write a book about this. This is such a
good story. You need to write a book. And I've
spoken all over the country in Canada, like I've been
very fortunate to get to be able to tell my story.
And so finally I sat down on one day I
was like, you know, I'm gonna write the book. Why not?
Because if it can help somebody not kill themselves, then
that's contributing to something. So I wrote the book and
(34:33):
I started. You know, I had made a couple friends
that are in the entertainment industry, and I got some
testimonials from them from my book. And then they said
somebody said called me. When they're like, hey, I mean,
do you mind if I share your book proposal with
this producer that I know, I'm like, no, go ahead.
So that's how the podcast came about. They're interested in
(34:53):
my story, they feel like it could help people, and
so that's how it happened. The book's not out yet,
that's thing, like the books not out yet, but they
read the proposal and they were like, let's do a
podcast about this. I love that because we don't hear
stories like this very often. So now that you have
this space with your podcast to share that, I think
(35:14):
that's wonderful. This is this is already like showing us
that it's it's becoming more. And I don't even know
if the word is accepted, because it's not the word
that I'm looking for, you know what I mean. But
it's like, yeah, and I know what you're trying to say.
It's normalized. That's the word. And I know exactly what
you mean. Like, I was so shocked because the other
day I got an audition for trans lead Mexican movie,
(35:39):
Like that was the first time I've ever seen that,
and I was like, whoa, this is fucking awesome in
a Mexican movie. Let's transgender, and it was. I was
just so like, mind blown. That's good. And that's why
I did the podcast in Spanish as well, right, because
I want to be able to cater to that market,
(36:01):
our Latin Hispanic community. Honestly, I sent men Ganza and
it's because of women like you that are open enough
to share their stories that are going to change the
game in the transgender community, in the l g B
t Q plus community, honestly, because it's important. The only
way to change lives is to be honest, be brutally honest,
(36:23):
the good of the bad, of the ugly, harry, all
of it. Yeah, and that's how you're going to change lives.
And this is how we're going to get more roles,
you know what I mean, and more podcasts. And that
makes me happy. That makes me, honestly, it makes me
really happy. Thank you, thank you, congratulations on that. I'm
really really humble that you had me on your show.
(36:44):
I really appreciate that, of course, of course, I mean honestly,
I'm grateful. I'm grateful that you came on Chickens and
Chill and we're talking about a subject on them. Thank
you for being open again, guys. You guys can listen
to her podcast Crumbs and guys, we're going to plug
(37:06):
in some l g B t Q resources in the
show notes for anyone who needs them. Before we wrap
up today's episode, I'm going to leave you with a
motivational quote. Like you guys know me and my quotes,
so today is I stand for honesty, equality, kindness, compassion,
(37:27):
treating people the way you want to be treated, and
helping those in need to meet Those are traditional values.
It's a quote that I found and I liked it
because we were just talking about live and let live
you guys, because it is important. So hopefully you guys
did learn a lot on this podcast and Emmy again,
which yes, um My, honor, thank you. I'm just so
(37:48):
grateful for you for having the space for me, for us,
for our community. I think it's so important that we
talk about and continue to educate ourselves. I'm really excited
for crumbs. I hope that in me something for you too. Oh,
thank you so much, Emmie, you guys, thank you so
much for listening to this episode of Chickens and Chill.
(38:15):
This is a production of I Heart Radio and Michael
Tura podcast Network. Follow us on Instagram at Michael Tura
Podcasts and follow me Cheeks that's c h i q
u i s. For more podcasts from my heart, visit
the I Heart Radio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you
listen to your favorite shows.
Uh, can I ask you about how you came to
the realization that you were a woman? And I started
taking inventory of myself and I discovered that I was
a woman. My coworkers and I were going to a
(00:21):
Genera concert in San of the Casino, and this was
my first outing full time as a woman. Here I
am at a big event. They're gonna clock me, they're
gonna name call me, they're gonna they're gonna like I'm
going down. It's because of women like you that are
(00:48):
open enough to share their stories that are going to
change the game in the transgender community. Hello everyone, and
welcome to another episode of che He's in Chill. I'm
your host, Cheek E's, and I hope you all are
having a great day. For today's episode, we're going to
be opening up our hearts and our minds because we're
(01:08):
going to be diving into a very important topic, one
that isn't talked about enough in my opinion, especially in
the lent community. We're going to be joined by a
transgender woman and here's some of the challenges she's faced
throughout her life. I'm really looking forward to this conversation,
so let's dive right into it. Guys. This is chick
Eas and Chilly. Today's guest is Emiol. She is an actor,
(01:39):
writer and a podcast host. He'd invite me over to
have dinner with his family. I knew he didn't tell
them that it was transgender, and I didn't know if
being new or not. Adam said, if this question ever
comes up, just her new podcast, Crumbs, is part of
(02:00):
you Know the family. I Heart Radio Network, and we
will learn a little bit more about that a little later,
but let's hear more about her story. Welcome, Emmy. It's
so good to hear from you. How are you, Hi, geez,
thank you so much for having me. I'm really excited
to be here, of course, No, I'm really excited. This
is something that I'm very passionate about. I've had personal
(02:21):
experiences and I have family members, and not only that,
I feel that it is a huge taboo still in
our Latin community, and this is why I'm so excited
to have a podcast where we're able to speak about
anything and everything that we want. So, first of all,
congratulations on your podcast Crumbs. Thank you, that's awesome. I'm
so so excited You're part of the family. So right here, Okay,
(02:47):
so I can tell you're such a strong and positive force,
but I know you probably weren't always like this. Can
you share a little bit about your background. Where did
you grow up. I'm from San Diego, so California girl.
My mom was fourteen but she had me. My dad
was sixteen, and my parents were gang being troubles from
rival gangs. No way, so interesting how they met, but
(03:09):
here I am. You know, they hadn't when they were
so young, and they didn't know what the heck they
were doing. I had really no structure whatsoever. Growing up.
I was allowed to do whatever I wanted because they
didn't know what they were doing. These were just kids
having kids. Did you feel like you were growing up
also with your parents like you felt like because my
mom was fifteen when she had me, so I sometimes
(03:30):
even felt like I was her mom sometimes, you know.
So interesting, No, because my parents shortly after I was
born became menting to drugs, and so that started their
cycle of like being in institutions. Actually, my dad kind
of dipped out when I was one year old, so
it's pretty much my mom and me, and then my
grandmother stepped in to raise me. Okay, so you were
(03:53):
raised by your grandmother, I was okay, And do you
have siblings, emmy, I do, yeah, and the eldest our
age differences are seven, twelve and nineteen. But you know,
my grandma stepped in to raise me. She provided me
with stability, home love while my mom was out doing
her stuff, doing her hustle. She was in and out.
(04:14):
So I didn't really have a really strong relationship from
the beginning with my mom until I was a little
bit older. Okay, I see, But thank goodness for your grandma. Yeah,
she was an amazing woman. And talking about her, did
you were you open with her about what you felt like?
How old were you when you started feeling did you
feel that way? You can? I ask you? Did you
(04:34):
feel trapped in in another body? Like? Can you explain
to me like your experience. Yeah, No, that wasn't my experience.
I didn't feel trapped in another body as a kid.
I felt like it was very different. And maybe I
think because it was the eighties, things were so different.
We didn't have the terminology that we have now. The
lifestyle was completely different. Growing up in a very Mexican household,
(04:55):
that just wasn't something you talk about. Everyone knew that
I was different. Okay, So I was born little blonde hair,
blue eyed little boy who acted like a girl. I
was very feminine, and from the get go people knew
that I was different. So my grandmother, she knew that
I was different. So she protected me a lot, especially
from my aunts, because my aunts were like that, you
(05:16):
don't nor whatever exactly, Like my grandmo was like, they
can't know, they can't mean, because you know, I was
her favorite. She was raising me and she protected me.
That was kind of short lived because when I was
seven years old, my grandmother disappeared. And what happened is
(05:37):
I was seven years old. I was taken to school,
my grandmother was arrested. I was picked up by my
paternal grandparents and they told me that my Mamilicia, my grandmother,
was in jail with my mom, with my stepdad, with
my aunt, with the maid, with the mechanic. Everyone who
was at the house that day got arrested. We had
(05:59):
been under investigation for some time now. Cover story of
the San Diego Union Tribune. Right this woman is arrested
for trafficking four SENTI five pounds of cocaine across the border.
One of her workers dot caught and away. She went,
so all the stability that I had with my grandmother.
You know, she gave me everything I ever wanted, material, possessions, love.
(06:24):
I felt like it was unconditional love. And then that's
when my mom stepped in. She had to. She had
no choice because what was going to happen to me? So,
you know, she did the best that she could, still
using drugs, she got pregnant. She had my sister, Andrea,
and she taught me how to make a bottle, how
to change a diaper, said I'll be back. She didn't
(06:46):
come back that night. The very next morning, my aunt
picked us up. My mom had been arrested hustling in
her drug use, and my sister and I were separated.
I went to live with my paternal grandparents. My sister
went with an aunt. And from that moment, you start
feeling like what is wrong with me? I knew I
was different. I didn't like the same things that other
(07:06):
boys liked. I got made fun of, you know, like
you're like really derogatory chicks that they would use, you know,
especially the Latinos used that word so much. Yeah, so
I grew up with just so much shame about who
I was. After a year my mom being incarcerated. She
(07:27):
got released to a halfway house, and what happened is
she skipped parole and she moved this to school, which
is where my family is from. We were pretty much
on the run for four years. I'm gonna say that's
when I really bonded with my mom because she was
clean from drugs. My grandmother from prison was still giving
(07:47):
orders like you know, this is what you're gonna do,
this is how you're gonna live. She had properties in Mexico,
so nothing was missing. We had everything we needed. We
were provided for, so my mom didn't even have to work.
She's just was the housewife. But then she picked up
drugs again and we ended up coming back to the
US when my sister Daniela was born, and we've been
(08:08):
here since. You were how old when your sister Andrea
was was born? You said seven? You were seven, okay,
So that that happened all so quickly, like being under
your grandma's wing, and then she was gone, and then
you had your sister. Your mom had your sister Andrea,
and then you had this responsibility since so young. Like
that's where I feel like we have that in common
(08:30):
where we're the eldest, and we have this responsibility that
wasn't really ours at such a young age, and it
forces us to mature so quickly and kind of miss
out on our childhood. Did you feel like you missed
out on your childhood in some way? I don't feel
like I had a childhood. And this is what one
of the resentments I always had towards my mom that
(08:51):
I didn't get to live as a kid. I was
always picking up after her. I was in charge of
cleaning and combing Andrea's hair, getting her ready for school,
picking out her outfits, caring for her, and also, like
you know, the protective person, and he wanted to make
sure that she was shielded from things that happened as
a result of my mom being in her addiction. Did
(09:11):
you feel like at times that you resented her in
a way? Your mom? Absolutely. I know you've talked about this,
like I loved her, but I didn't like her. You know,
I had so much resentment growing up towards my mom,
and I said, I will never do drugs, I will
never be an alcoholic. I wanted to be very different,
and so I applied myself. I applied myself in school
and I said, I'm going to be an honor student.
(09:33):
I'm gonna go to college. I'm going to get a degree.
I'm going to break the cycle of like this fuck up,
dysfunctional family that I have. I did pretty good for
the most part. So you know, even throughout high school,
I was still like very effeminate. Everyone just said, you know,
the gay kid or or whatever, you know, those terrible
things that we grew up Back then, Queer was like
(09:56):
not a cool word, and that's what they would call me.
Here's the thing I want to preface, like everything I
mentioned is my experience. Right, there's like no umbrella term
for the trans community. It's just my experience, which I
was going to tell you. I saw that especially with
your podcast. It's kind of this is my experience. I'm
not representing the community as a whole. It's just this
(10:17):
is who I am, and I'm speaking about myself, which
I like, I think it's I think it's a good thing.
And then I respect that. So absolutely you you thank you.
This is your space too, so you go ahead and
say like it is. So then you know what happened
is I was gonna I got admitted to three universities.
I was so excited because I was finally on my
way to be successful. And then my mother got arrested
(10:40):
at the border for crossing I have the amount of methamphetamines.
She was given a prison sentence, and my sisters were
being shuffled from house to house. My grandmother, who was
out of prison at the time, she was older, and
she said, I can't take care of these girls. It's
too much for me. Because by this time I had
a little Adrian. He had already been born and she
(11:02):
was taking care of him and he was a baby.
So what happened is I put my life on hold.
I got a job that paid me well. I went
before the judge and I got custody of my two
younger sisters and I raised them. And that was the
most challenging thing that I've ever gone through, but also
the most rewarding one. They became like my everything. Oh
my goodness. I mean, we have a lot in common.
(11:25):
Your baby brother was how old at this time, So
Adrian was about a year old baby. He was a
baby baby back then. So you weren't able to go
to the university. You just said, I'm going to get
a job and try to raise my sisters exactly, and
that's what I did. I did the best that I could.
I mean, they didn't come with instructions, and I was
just like, fuck it, I'm gonna do what I think
(11:46):
is the best for them and just give them stability,
show them that there is a better way of life
out here, because by this time, you know, my mom,
they're living in motels, they're living in random places, and
so they're me picking up the bad habits my sister
and that I was kind of headed that way, and
I was like, God, I don't want my sister. I
really don't want that for her because I had so
(12:08):
much fear that she was gonna end up on drugs
in jail or dead. That's like my biggest fear, and
I carry that fear for so long with my parents.
So anyway, I stepped in. I raised them. But all
the resentment and all the like hate I felt towards
my mom just grew and grew and grew, because here
I am picking up after her again and putting my
life on hold. I started abusing alcohol. That was like
(12:32):
my way to cope, and then that led to other stuff, okay,
like hard drugs, harder drugs that led to me blacking out.
I'm a blackout drinker. Like I drink enough and I
black out. Wake up and I hear about things that
I did, and it's like, holy sh it, I did that,
Like I can't see myself doing that. I was so
unhappy with the person who I was. I knew that
(12:55):
I wasn't happy internally. Yes, I was abusing alcoholis abusing drugs,
but also when I looked in the mirror cheeks, I
didn't like what I saw. And you hadn't transitioned at
this point, correct, but you had accepted I'm gay or
you hadn't accepted that. It's interesting because I had accepted
that I was gay. However, I didn't have that experience
(13:18):
of like I'm gay, I'm out and proud and I'm
gonna like go day and have fun. That wasn't my experience.
I was ashamed that I was gay. I couldn't find
my place because I wasn't dating gay man. I wasn't
attracted to them, so I didn't really have relationships as
a gay man. It's interesting, and I that's the only
way I can explain it. I couldn't find my place.
(13:40):
The reason I asked these questions is because my brother Johnny,
he's he's my baby. We went through this, you know
where he went through like no I he was eleven
years old and he was just confused about his sexuality
and for a long time he was just upset and
had these thoughts of suicide. And it was so hard
art because he was like, this is what I like,
(14:02):
but I don't want to like what I like, like
I want to be quote unquote normal. And it took
a while to just say, Johnny, like, you need to
just say it out loud and little by little. I
can't push you into saying it loud and proud, but
you have if this is what you like, this is
what your body desires, you have two little by little
start accepting that because if not, it's going to cause
(14:24):
other things. And I think maybe this is what I'm hearing.
I mean, I don't know. I mean, obviously you did
have a very rough childhood and your parents and then
your grandma and then having to take the responsibility of
your sisters. You felt alone and you felt like you
didn't have a support system. Is that correct? And it
kind of lead you into alcohol. Makes me feel good
for the moment. A big part of it is that
(14:46):
I felt like I had let my family down right.
I was like the first born male. My family is
very Mexican Catholic, and I felt very traditional. And my grandmother,
not my mom's mom, but my dad's mom, would tell
me things like and you know, things like that, like
(15:08):
since it's always a kid. I could see the look
of disappointment in their face when they'd see me, or
the way I expressed myself, and then my grandmother would say,
I know I'm looking nas that was hurtful, of course, absolutely, dude. Yeah,
sometimes I feel like they don't realize that things that
they say are elders, like how much they can affect
(15:31):
our life. Our hearts are little minds, you know, because
you're so young, you're still trying to figure things out
within yourself, within your body, and then having someone that
you love tell you this, it's just absolutely I totally
get that. And when did you start your transition? How
old were you when you started? So what happened is
I try to kill myself? Oh man? Yeah, after years
(15:53):
of abusing drugs and alcohol, I decided that I didn't
want to live anymore. I drink a bottle of pills,
a big old bottle. My sisters and found me, and
by this time and that I was driving, so she
drove me to the hospital to the emergency room. My
liver started to shut down. I was hospitalized for seven days,
and on the last day that I was there, the
(16:14):
doctor said, you know what, you're very lucky that you're
not dead. You put your liver through hell, I'm gonna
discharge you. Just take it easy. So I'm excited, like
I'm packing, I'm getting ready to go home. And then
these two E m t s walk up. They asked
for me by name, and they said, we're going to
take you to the psychiatric ward because this was technically
a suicide attempt. So there I go into the psych word.
(16:36):
I walk in and it wasn't my first time there.
I had been a regular there because I had so
many fucking demons inside me that I just always wanted
to offer myself. And the doctor said, hey, welcome back.
He saw my chart. He said, you know what, I
really want you to look around the rooms here. And
(16:57):
I looked and you could see the patients nodding off
in a corner, you know, And he said, these people
here have severe mental issues. And I suspect that what
you have is an addiction problem. So I'm going to
make a deal with you. I'm gonna let you out
of here if you check out recovery a recovery meeting.
(17:19):
You know, at this time, I feel like this small
I have nothing to lose. So I said, all right,
let's do it. I started going to these meetings and
I started doing the work that we do in a
top step program, and I started taking inventory of myself
and I discovered that I was a woman. That was
a turning point for me. And do you feel that
(17:41):
ever since that happened, where you're like, I'm a woman,
you felt like you were happier in every way? Or
was it still a little bit of an uphill battle? Okay,
So I played with a thought for months, and it
was a bit of an uphill battle because I thought
of everyone else. I thought of my sisters, I thought
of my grandparents, I thought of my friends. This was
(18:02):
a big commitment and I had to be sure that
I was going to take this leap of faith. And
it's a scary one. Oh my god, it was so scary.
And so I started seeing a doctor about hormones. I
started taking the hormones before going full time as a woman.
I was working at the time at the phone company,
and I told him, Hey, this is what's going to happen.
(18:24):
I'm going to transition. And they're like, okay, great, They're
very cool about it. Just bring us any sort of
like documentation, any legal name change or whatever. So I
did that, and then it was time to tell my family.
My mom's side of the family is very conservative. My
(18:48):
dad's side of the family, even though they're very much
he'stas and very like be a boy, be a boy.
They they're more what's the word. So then being like
they're cool, like there, they have fun, they drink. Okay,
they're a little bit more open minded. I guess you
can say that. Okay, my mom's family is a little
more proper, and my dad's family is more like you
(19:10):
know this melody, okay, yeah, So yeah, I get it.
I don't know how I get it down tripped. So
I sat down with my nana, with my daughta and
my uncle and I told him, Nana got that. I'm
trying to remember exactly what I told him. Damn it,
what was it. I was just so fucking nervous, and
(19:32):
I said, just get it. Out quick, get it out quick.
I'm like, oh my goodness. And I remember that. I remember.
I remember their eyes were just like dead stare and
it was just like silence at the table. Nobody was
saying anything, and I'm dying inside. I'm like, holy sh it,
what did I just do? And then my nana, she's
(19:54):
such a jokester, she looks at me, she's like the first,
Oh my goodness, that was like the first thing she said,
and that just like broke the eyes. Everybody started laughing.
And then my daughter just said like okay, and it
(20:14):
was like that, Wow, here's the thing. Check. By this time,
I had already put my family through hell with my addiction,
with my drinking. They just wanted me to be safe.
They wanted me to be happy. They wanted me to
be living because the things that happened to me in
(20:35):
my addiction we're freaking scary. We're talking about I'd get
lost in the juana for days and they didn't know
if I was dead or alive. Okay, how long was this?
How many years of this give or take do you think? Oh,
let's see, I'm gonna say good five six years of it? Okay.
So it was very It was tormenting for for them emotionally,
(20:56):
I'm sure so for them to be getting calls at
two o'clock, three o'clock in the morning that I'm stranded
or that I'm in trouble, or that I'm here, that
I'm in a hospital. This was just like, you know,
when I got sober, they were like, oh, thank god.
So by the time I transitioned, they were like, you
know what, we just want you to be okay for
the rest. So yeah, and how long have you been
(21:19):
sober now? I mean I've been sober for fourteen years. Wow,
that's awesome. Oh wait, but how did your mom's side
of the family take it, because this is your dad's
side of the family, right, This is my dad's side
of the family, So with my mom and you know,
this is my grandma, my mommy Lecha, who raised me
like I was like, I was her everything. But you know,
my little brother kind of replaced me in that area.
(21:40):
But I was cool with it. I was cool with
you know, she raised him since he was born. Because
my mom was in jail, and it took me longer
to tell them. I kind of distanced myself from them
because that's the kind of person that I used to
be right, to avoid conflict, to avoid pain, I just turned.
I just distanced myself from you instead of addressing it.
And so I had been living as a woman not
(22:02):
it wasn't you know. Immediate after I told my paternal
grandparents and it was a little it took me a
little while, but I walked in and you know, by
this time, they had already heard about it, and they
didn't know what to expect. Yeah, they had heard about it,
but it was kind of like, you know, do I
contact or do I not? Do I say? And then
I thought, you know what, life's too short. I gotta
(22:24):
tell them. They have to know. So I told them
and I had a phone call with them first, and
then I walked in to see them. And I remember
walking into the living room and my mom, Lea was
at the table. She was on the phone with one
of my aunts and she's like, what it was very
It was so so weird, and she just looked at
me and she's like, you want eat this? That's that
(22:48):
was what she said. And she got up and hugged me,
and it was like I could breathe. Yeah, it was
kind of like a breath of fresh air. For sure.
Can I ask you about how you came to the
realization that you were a woman? Like I'm sure people
listening right now who are unsure about their place in
(23:08):
the world maybe are facing this. What can you share
with them, like maybe they have a similar battle, like
you know what I mean, Like what helped you come
to that realization? For me, it was, you know, like
I said, I had gotten sober and I was really
diving deep into myself. I was like soul searching. I
needed to know what were the things that made me
act the way that I was acting when I was
(23:29):
in my disease, in my addiction, and literally taking inventory
on paper about who I was. And then I always
felt like, God, I wish I was born a girl,
but I never put more thought than that, you know,
because I like the glamour, like the makeup, the hair,
the clothes. You know. Andrea was my little barbeque to
(23:50):
dress her the way I wanted. And one day she
turned around and she was in high school, you know,
like she's going to high school where everyone's wearing you know,
really casual clothes, and she's going with boots and jeans
and like really nice clothes. And she looked at me.
She's like, why do you dress me like this? She's like,
if you like it so much, why don't you dress
yourself like this? Oh? She told you she did. I
(24:12):
was like, you just have to look at always, And
so all these little things starting adding up for me. Oh,
I've always wanted to like, you know, that comment always
stuck in my mind. If you like it so much,
why don't you do it on you instead of me? Like, like,
I'm not your mannequin. That's pretty much what she told me.
And what happened is after I was doing this inventory
(24:33):
on myself and I realized that a lot of my
resentment was towards women. A lot of reasonings I had
towards women because they had what I yearned to have.
You know, the moment that I started wearing makeup and
letting my hair grow out, and that I started getting
(24:54):
breast development from the hormones and my skin got thinner
like that, the moment that all these things started changing
in me, it was like I started seeing in color,
Like the light just went on, So you were like
blossoming right before your eyes. I was I remember, I
have an interesting story. I remember I said, Okay, if
(25:19):
I'm going to be a woman, I need to learn
how to do makeup. I need to be able to
do my own makeup. So I went to the school
in New York. I took this makeup course, came back,
and I was so excited. I kept practicing at night.
But then I was like, I have to practice on
people too, And I was going to your mom's concert.
My coworkers and I were going to a Jenny Rita
(25:39):
concert in some of Casino, no Way. And this was
my first outing full time as a woman, Like it
was like my first big event where I was going
to be around a lot of people. And so we're
in the car and I turned on and tell my
friend Blankie that my co worker. I'm like, I might
get to let me practice on you. And she's like, okay,
(26:00):
do it. So I started giving her like, you know,
We're in the backseat of a car and I'm giving
like a smoky eyeshadow kind of look. And I'm fresh
out of school. I don't know what the funk I'm doing.
We get to the concert and she looks like a
fucking raccoon. Like so she's like, okay, let's go fix
(26:22):
it a little bit and like okay, and I'm like,
I'm me dressed as a woman. My hair wasn't that
long at that point, but I think I had like
a half wig. And I was wearing these wedges, tight jeans,
a tank top, and I was fucking scare cheekys because
here I am at a big event. They're gonna clock me,
(26:45):
they're gonna name call me, They're gonna they're gonna like
I'm going down right? But did you feel fabulous though?
Or you were more scared? I felt fabulous and it
was mortified. And the moment your mom came out and
started seeing, I let go of all those fears and
I had a wonderful time and I felt like myself
like free. I felt so fucking free. You felt alive.
(27:09):
I felt alive. And nobody talks it to me, Nobody
name called me. Everybody was just having fun, enjoying the moment.
And I was like, Okay, this is who I am.
So is it safe to say that my mother was
like your Marina, she's your Marina of like, you know Emmy,
(27:30):
the birth of Emmy being out and out of being
like that was like my first big event. And I remember,
just because you know, you never know what's going to happen, Like,
oh my god, what do I do that? You know,
how do I act? Are people gonna be staring at me?
Are they gonna throw things at me? Or they're gonna
call me things? Are they gonna beat me up? All
these things were like valid fears that I had as
a trans woman at the time, for sure, because I
(27:52):
was still like I didn't look like this, that's for sure.
But you had a good time. It makes me so happy,
had an amazing time. It's good. That makes me so happy. Honestly,
shout out to my mama. She had the best concerts
as someone who is transgender, and also as someone who
(28:15):
works in the entertainment industry because you are an actor
and now you have your podcast. Do you think that
we're making progress on representation and TV and film? I
love that you're asking that because that's one of the
conversations that I keep having with my colleagues, that I
keep having with casting directors, with you know, my representation
(28:36):
diversity in Hollywood. We're making progress, we are, We're not
there yet, So it's like a little dab. It's a
little dab, yes, And you know, there have been a
lot more roles available for the lgbt Q plus community.
I love seeing that we're not there yet. We still
have a lot of work to do. But what do
(28:57):
you think, I mean is the challenge though? Like what
what's stopping the progress in the industry. I really feel
it's a lot about education. We for many years, I mean,
I have lived in a heterosis world, so really it's
about continuing to educate. And it's not about pushing agendas
(29:19):
on anyone. Like I hate seeing that when when I
when I like, I saw a post her day and
they were like, stop trying to push your agenda on us.
You know, it's about like being loving and accepting towards all.
There's space for us all I think and get that
fact that I'm a firm believer in that. This is
(29:41):
why I wanted to And I'm glad you have your
podcast and we're gonna talk about that right now. But
like with these podcasts, it's speaking about these things. It's
is kind of like live and let live. If I'm
not doing anything to harm you, let me live my life,
(30:01):
you know what I mean. And that's something that I'm
glad that we can talk about. And now I can
see it more than ever. It's it's stuff that is
being more accepted. But yes, guys, live and let live
and worry about yourself and what you can do right
to better yourself. And I'm talking about the people that
are listening and just in general. Yeah, I mean, if
you have love and respect for humanity, that's so helpful.
(30:26):
I don't have any sort of like disrespect towards somebody
who doesn't align with the same beliefs that I do. Know,
I let them be. If they don't mess with me,
I'm not going to mess with them, right, It's just exactly,
And I mean I was always like this. This came
from like working on myself, trying to be a better
version of whom I was yesterday. Yeah, exactly. Every day
(30:49):
we've got to be a better version of ourselves and
focus on the things that we could change within. And
that also helps you, like not focusing so much on
what other people are doing or not doing. People that
are listening to us that also are transgender or part
of the LGBT plus community, like, what do you have
to tell them? Can you tell them something like to
you know, give them some type of some words of
inspiration empowerment. Absolutely don't let fear hold you back. That's
(31:14):
what held me back. I was so scared. After I transitioned,
I was like, there's no fucking way I'm gonna be
able to be an actor. There's no way. This was
before we had what we have now today we have
people who have paved the way for us. Right, So
I was like, oh, what am I going to do now? Like,
there's nothing else that I want to do. I had
(31:35):
so much fear. I was scared. Don't let that hold
you back. If you want something, go for it. I'm
a strong believer that what's meant for you is meant
for you, and I wish that I had the knowledge
and wisdom that I have today back then to just
go for it. I'm always a fucking way bloomer at everything.
That's just like, but hey, late bloomer or not, are
(32:00):
doing it and you haven't given up on your dreams,
and I honestly I applaud you for that. Are you
in a relationship? Are you in love? Well, I guess
you're gonna have to listen to the podcast to find
out A nice answer, girl, very nice, because okay, perfect,
I'm gonna for sure listen so I can find out
(32:20):
my answer to that question. So tell us tell us
about the podcast. Actually tell us about crumbs and white crumbs.
I'll tell you what crumbs. The show about things that
we settle for in life and the bits of ourselves
that make up our identity. That's what the show is about.
And so in Crumbs, I talk about what it's like
to be dating for a trans woman. I talk about
(32:41):
different relationships that I've had and what kind of crumbs
I've settled for just to feel like I'm loved, just
to feel like somebody wants me. Oh my goodness, I
love that. So every relationship I'm talking about what fucking
crumb I received, what I learned from it, which I've
grown from it. So from the first episode to the
(33:04):
last episode, you're going to see a completely different woman.
Oh my goodness. How exciting. Oh my gosh, congratulations on that.
Thank you. Well, it's not just about dating. It's also
settling for crumbs in our relationships with our family. And
you know, I have, like I have some sort of
a backstory with my family. So yes, you know what.
(33:26):
I love that. I think it's necessary, it's needed. I'm
excited to listen to Crumbs. Honestly, because I have been
through my share of relationships where I have settled to settle,
but I don't regret those relationships because, like you just said,
you learn from every experience. Every person that comes into
your life is a teacher to teach you something for
the next person. Was it hard to pitch the podcast? Oh?
(33:49):
You know what's so funny, I'll tell you how it happened.
What happened is I started speaking a lot at top
Step recovery meetings and people would come up to me
after the podium. You. I talked about my story, worry
about the growing, my childhood, what it was like, what happened,
my turning point with drugs and alcohol, and what happened after,
which is like transitioning, Like holy sh it, you know,
(34:09):
and people are just like, oh my god, you need
to write a book about this. This is such a
good story. You need to write a book. And I've
spoken all over the country in Canada, like I've been
very fortunate to get to be able to tell my story.
And so finally I sat down on one day I
was like, you know, I'm gonna write the book. Why not?
Because if it can help somebody not kill themselves, then
that's contributing to something. So I wrote the book and
(34:33):
I started. You know, I had made a couple friends
that are in the entertainment industry, and I got some
testimonials from them from my book. And then they said
somebody said called me. When they're like, hey, I mean,
do you mind if I share your book proposal with
this producer that I know, I'm like, no, go ahead.
So that's how the podcast came about. They're interested in
(34:53):
my story, they feel like it could help people, and
so that's how it happened. The book's not out yet,
that's thing, like the books not out yet, but they
read the proposal and they were like, let's do a
podcast about this. I love that because we don't hear
stories like this very often. So now that you have
this space with your podcast to share that, I think
(35:14):
that's wonderful. This is this is already like showing us
that it's it's becoming more. And I don't even know
if the word is accepted, because it's not the word
that I'm looking for, you know what I mean. But
it's like, yeah, and I know what you're trying to say.
It's normalized. That's the word. And I know exactly what
you mean. Like, I was so shocked because the other
day I got an audition for trans lead Mexican movie,
(35:39):
Like that was the first time I've ever seen that,
and I was like, whoa, this is fucking awesome in
a Mexican movie. Let's transgender, and it was. I was
just so like, mind blown. That's good. And that's why
I did the podcast in Spanish as well, right, because
I want to be able to cater to that market,
(36:01):
our Latin Hispanic community. Honestly, I sent men Ganza and
it's because of women like you that are open enough
to share their stories that are going to change the
game in the transgender community, in the l g B
t Q plus community, honestly, because it's important. The only
way to change lives is to be honest, be brutally honest,
(36:23):
the good of the bad, of the ugly, harry, all
of it. Yeah, and that's how you're going to change lives.
And this is how we're going to get more roles,
you know what I mean, and more podcasts. And that
makes me happy. That makes me, honestly, it makes me
really happy. Thank you, thank you, congratulations on that. I'm
really really humble that you had me on your show.
(36:44):
I really appreciate that, of course, of course, I mean honestly,
I'm grateful. I'm grateful that you came on Chickens and
Chill and we're talking about a subject on them. Thank
you for being open again, guys. You guys can listen
to her podcast Crumbs and guys, we're going to plug
(37:06):
in some l g B t Q resources in the
show notes for anyone who needs them. Before we wrap
up today's episode, I'm going to leave you with a
motivational quote. Like you guys know me and my quotes,
so today is I stand for honesty, equality, kindness, compassion,
(37:27):
treating people the way you want to be treated, and
helping those in need to meet Those are traditional values.
It's a quote that I found and I liked it
because we were just talking about live and let live
you guys, because it is important. So hopefully you guys
did learn a lot on this podcast and Emmy again,
which yes, um My, honor, thank you. I'm just so
(37:48):
grateful for you for having the space for me, for us,
for our community. I think it's so important that we
talk about and continue to educate ourselves. I'm really excited
for crumbs. I hope that in me something for you too. Oh,
thank you so much, Emmie, you guys, thank you so
much for listening to this episode of Chickens and Chill.
(38:15):
This is a production of I Heart Radio and Michael
Tura podcast Network. Follow us on Instagram at Michael Tura
Podcasts and follow me Cheeks that's c h i q
u i s. For more podcasts from my heart, visit
the I Heart Radio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you
listen to your favorite shows.
Host
Chiquis
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