October 14, 2024 • 27 mins
My dad, Jose Trinidad Marín, was sentenced to 31 years in prison. The jury found him guilty of eight felony counts, including lewd acts upon a child. Earlier this season, I talked about my plan to visit my dad in prison. Well, I finally made the trip and met with him face-to-face. Tune in to hear all about my experience, including whether I got the closure I have been waiting for.
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Speaker 1 (00:09):
Hi, guys, welcome to my podcast, Cheeky's and Chill. I
hope that you're having a beautiful day and you have
a wonderful week or weekend. Hi am going to take
a deep breath because today I'm going to talk about
something that I mentioned earlier on in the season. It's
(00:30):
a personal one. This is what I love about my podcast.
You guys give me the opportunity to speak to you
and share my deepest thoughts and feelings, and that's what
I'm going to do today. So again, earlier this season,
I mentioned that I was going to file paperwork to
go see my dad and it was accepted and I
(00:52):
did go see him. So I'm going to tell you
all about that. So take a deep breath with me. Okay.
I don't know if you guys have watched chiki sinfintro.
It is my docu follow and they did follow me
(01:13):
to go see my dad. Didn't talk much about the
details there, just that I went to go see him.
They weren't able to go in with me the cameras.
So this is my space and my time and my
opportunity to explain to you exactly what happened and what
we talked about and how it went. First of all,
(01:35):
I decided to go see him because it's something that
had been in my heart for a while. For a
long time, I didn't want to, and in all fairness
and honesty, he didn't want to see me either. So
then time passed by. Time went by, and my sister
Jackie has been the one that has gone to go
(01:56):
see him, and you know, she's gotten a lot of
heat for it, and I don't necessary really agree with
it because people say that, Okay, how can you do
that to your sister Jackie? Like she went through this,
She went through that like I feel like, First of all,
she asked me, and I said, yes, sister, thank you
for asking me. You don't have to because that's still
your dad, that's still a relationship that you had and
(02:16):
things that you need to heal. But I do appreciate
you asking me. So she did ask me. I gave
her my blessing. I gave her the green light, and
she started like a friendship with him. Anyways, So why
I decided to go see him, because for I mean,
I forgave my dad a long time ago. I forget
I forgave him. He never asked for forgiveness. I just
(02:39):
that's something that I learned in church and through my mother,
and I saw how she forgave, and I just that's
who I am, you know, at my core, and I
forgave him because I didn't want to hold onto that
and like carry that weight around with me for the
rest of my life. I always tell you guys that
forgiveness is not for the other person, but for yourself.
(03:00):
So I kind of put that to the side for
a long time. What happened with my dad the sexual abuse.
For those of you that may not know, I was
sexually abused by my father when I was young. And
he's now in jail thirty five years, no chance of
parole or thirty years, thirty thirty years. Anyways, the point
(03:20):
is he's been in there for seventeen So for a
long time I was kind of like, Okay, I have
no dad, you know, it's just my mom, my siblings
and I and that's it. And then my mom passed
away and he felt really bad, so he tried to
come around and talk to us, and I wasn't ready.
I was like, why now, why because my mom's not here.
But in his defense, he was like, you know what
I felt bad. I wasn't a great dad, your mom's gone. Like,
(03:42):
if there's anything that I can do and show you guys,
I'm here. I'm going to do that. Took me a
while to accept it, and then I went through my
first divorce, and after that I realized that I had
daddy issues, that I had things that I needed to
work through, and I thought, Okay, I'm older. I went
to there like I'm fine. But after that divorce, things
(04:03):
like resurfaced and I was like, oh my gosh, because
I gott as I as I'm so I was getting older.
I noticed that things that I hadn't healed were affecting
my relationships the way that I was in my relationships,
and I was like, I need to stop this, Like
I don't want to continue attracting this type of treatment,
(04:24):
not loving myself enough, and just so many things that
I'm like, okay, it's coming and stemming from the relationship.
I still like I had a heal with my mom
and certain things that I needed to heal, but also
with my dad. And so when Emilio asked me to
marry him, that's when I was like, Okay, I really
need to face this. I really need to close this
circle to get this this closure. And I asked Emilia
(04:49):
if he'd be down to go with me, and he
said yeah. So to me that was confirmation because in
my past relationships they weren't down, they were like no,
absolutely not. But Emilia was very open and he said yes,
like I think you should. I think you should go
see him and hear what he has to say, especially
if he's also ready, and that also gave me confirmation
and made me feel peace. So anyways, we decided to go,
(05:12):
and that's the reason why, because I felt like I
needed to close to get closure with my mom, which
is why I went to Monterrey to go see her,
you know, and to feel and I just I got
this closure that I needed and this piece in my
heart and then my dad, so before I got married,
that was the whole thing. So anyways, I thought of
(05:50):
my paperwork the first time I was denied. Then I
let like a year pass by and I said, Okay,
I'm gonna try it again and I'm gonna also file
Emilios and we were both did and it took some
time to go out there, and so anyways, the day
came I went to go see him and I was trembling.
(06:13):
I was so scared. I felt like a little girl.
Like I was like, oh my god, I was so nervous.
I'm grown, I go on stage, I do so many things,
like so much has happened, like I couldn't. I almost
didn't recognize myself, like with how nervous I was, and
in media, I was like, I've never seen this. I
was very vulnerable and I felt very safe because I
was with Jackie, my sister, and Emilio, but I was
(06:36):
a different person. I didn't recognize myself. I was like,
who is this person? Like I was just so nervous.
And we get there and everything was kind of going
wrong because the cameras were there. We didn't ask for permission.
They can't be on site, you know, and we didn't
know that. So that was one thing. I was like,
they're about to kick us out. I'm not gonna be
able to do this. But they recognized me and they
(06:58):
were really nice to said, hey, you know, can't have this.
There's so many restrictions, guys. You can't wear a wired brawl,
you can't wear any logos, you can't show any cleavage,
you can't wear anything tight. You can't have it, like
you have to take coins to like for the vending machine,
like there's a lot of rules. So it's my first time,
and my sister, I think forgot so anyway, she had
to go get a sweater. It was just this whole thing,
(07:19):
so mind you. I'm thinking I'm gonna go straight in there,
but no, so here I am, which is kind of
cool because it took us at least forty five minutes
to get accepted, to get in there, to show everything,
like we couldn't take our phone, it's everything. So it
gave me a little bit of time to just realize
(07:39):
where I was and what I was doing. So I
was sitting there waiting and my legs were like literally trembling,
and finally they let us through. I'm walking to where
he is to like the meeting site, and I almost
turned back. I was like, no, I don't want to
do this. I want to go home. I was like,
let's go, and they're like no, it's okay, Like thank goodness,
(08:01):
like a milios of music, It's okay, babe, like it's fine,
we're here, let's do it. I'm like okay, to good
deep breaths. It was very very like mind you. I'm
it's weird because the energy at any like prison is
very different. I'm not necessarily saying like negative, but just cold.
(08:22):
There was no one. Everyone was, I guess in their
cells like there was not There wasn't anyone in sight,
and it was just this weird feeling. Not scared, but
I was just I don't know, it's weird. I don't
even know how to explain it. So anyways, we get there.
First I thought he was already going to be sitting there,
so I could see him from the outside as there
was windows. And again you have to go like through
another process before going into like this open space where
(08:44):
there's vending machines and tables and you know, and there's
security in there, like you know, the the officers or whatnot.
But he wasn't there, and I was like, oh my god.
I was like okay. So then we had to sit
down and I was like okay. I was like okay.
So we down and I was still like where do
I say, like do I want to sit next to him?
And I'm like, okay, I want to sit in front
(09:04):
of him. I want to see him. So I sat
in front and then it was Emilio and Jackie. I
was like, okay, cool, I feel protected. I felt like,
in a weird way, I need to feel protected. And
then like maybe five minutes later, he comes out and
(09:24):
I stood up and he it was like I could
see him from when he came out of the door
and like walking towards and I was like, I was
like as soon as I walked into that place, I
was just like crying. I was like, oh my god, no,
I don't want to do this. I don't want to
do this, like they're like, you have to You're fine,
You're fine, dude. I was a freaking baby. It was
the weirdest thing. Anyways, he comes out and I was like, okay,
(09:46):
should I hug him? Should I not hug him? And
my heart felt like yes. I don't want to be like,
oh hey Dad. You know, I didn't even know if
I was going to call him dad. I didn't even
I didn't plan anything. So he said hi to Jackie,
hugged her, said hi to Emdio, and then he saw
me and then he gave me his hand. I guess
he also felt like, okay, maybe she doesn't want to
hug me. But I pulled him in and I gave
him a hug. I said, hi, Dad, It just happened naturally,
(10:11):
and he said hi. And he only speaks Spanish. He
understands English, but we were speaking in Spanish. And then
he asked me. He's like, can I sit where you're
sitting because I need to see the officer. I'm like okay.
He's like, we're always supposed to. I'm like okay, cool.
So we turned around. I was still in the middle
because I was like, I want to feel protected, you know.
And it was very awkward, awkward at first that we
were both who couldn't look in each other's eyes, Like
(10:31):
I was nervous, he was nervous. Thank goodness for my
sister that she had been there with him. And I
think everything happens the way it should be, the way
it's supposed to happen. I mean, because my sister already
had some type of like relationship with him. So they
were like joking around and I think that helped him
calm down, and it helped me calm down. And anyways,
(10:52):
it took us a while to get to like the
nitty gritty because I was I was there to handle business.
I was like, I need to know if he's going
to accept things, because the only way we can move
forward is if he accepts. For me, that was important
if you accept and you apologize to me. If not,
then I have no interest in even entertaining some type
(11:17):
of relationship. So I was kind of like, okay, okay,
what are we going to talk about? I was like,
are you thirsty? Are you hungry? Because you know, we
could buy stuff from the vending machine and I like
to eat, as you guys know, so that helps me
with my nerves. So I was like, I need to
get something, like some chips or something. He didn't want anything.
Jackie's like, he never eats, He never accepts anything he
doesn't like, you know. So anyways, we just talked about
(11:38):
his family, we talked about how he was doing, and
then finally he's like, do you have any questions? And
I was like, no, I don't have any questions. I
didn't want to ask anything to kind of like I
didn't want to be the one to like prompt him,
you know. I was like, no, I don't have any questions.
Do you have anything you have to tell me? And
he looked at me and he said, yes, I've seen
(12:01):
you on TV. I've heard your podcast. He listened to
my podcast, and he said, I know that there are
words that you want to hear, and I'm more ready
than ever. So then I said, okay. I said, wait,
actually I do have a question. I said okay. I said,
(12:23):
did you were you mad at me? And he said
for a long time, I was very mad at you.
He said, for a long time I was, And I
said okay. He said I didn't understand. I hadn't accepted
a lot of things, and I wanted to blame other
people and not realize what I had done. So he said, yes,
that he was upset. I was like, I felt it.
(12:43):
He's like, were you mad at me? I said no,
just until my mom died. I was like, that's when
I got mad at you, because you were trying to
come around. I didn't understand. I was like, why now,
like why not when my mom was alive? And I
was like, then I kind of got angry. But I
was very angry during that time. Twenty thirteen twenty fourteen
were not good years for me. I was like, I
was pissed at the world. So yes, I was mad
at you just then and then before that, No, And
(13:06):
I told her he said, I've always said it. You
were a good dad, you know, and you did things
that I'm not I can't excuse, but I can't say
you were a horrible father, as weird as that sounds.
And he said, no, I was. I was not a
good dad. It was not a good dad to you guys.
And I could have been better and I could have
been more present, and I'm sorry for that. And then
(13:27):
then he said, I also heard in one of your
interviews that I think it's kind of funny, you know,
like it's like, how weird is it for him to like, oh,
that's my daughter, you know what I mean? Like I
could just I put myself into shoes. Because he's also
said before he's like, it's weird because people here will
call me Suegrol, which means father in law because they
think you're Cue and it just bothers me and it's
(13:48):
like the weirdest thing or whatever. So anyways, so he
told me, I saw an interview and where you said
that people have called you a liar since you were little.
I said, yeah, I said, it's started because of this situation,
I said, and that's one thing that I've struggled with
because it's always like, always called a liar, you know, like,
oh she's lying about this if if it wasn't from you,
it's from your family. And it really bothered me, and
(14:10):
it really affected me. And he said, well, I want
you to know that you're not a liar. And I
was like, oh my god. I was like, thank you.
He's like, you're not a liar, and you only know
what happened to you, and don't let anyone make you
feel like you are wrong for feeling the way that
(14:30):
you feel and for speaking your truth. He's like, does
it make me feel uncomfortable that you speak about it
so often? Yes, it does, but that's your truth and
you have all the right to share it. It's like,
I don't understand it completely because obviously I'm on the
other end, but that's your truth. I said thank you,
(14:52):
and then he looked in my eyes and said better
name said forgive me. Oh my god. I lost it.
I was like, oh my god. I have been dying
to hear those words forever. I was like, oh my god.
You know, we didn't talk about details, but he did
(15:12):
look in my eyes and his eyes were watering. He
said to forgive him. He said I'm sorry. I didn't understand.
For a long time, I was upset at the world
at God. He was young when he was in there,
you know, when they incarcerated him. So and then I
told him, I was like, I don't agree with the
(15:33):
amount of time they gave you. I just feel because
it was such a a public court case, that they
gave you a lot of time. I was like, I
don't agree with that. And I mean, I'm like, Okay,
that's a justice system, but I don't agree with it.
And then he said that, He's like, no, it's like,
(15:54):
I understand. I've heard and I've read a lot of books,
and I've done a lot of research, and I do
feel that I got a lot of time. He's like,
but but God knew why I needed to be here
and the amount of time, because barely a few years
ago I started realizing and reading on a lot of
things and what I did and understanding, and I didn't
(16:14):
understand what I had done wrong until I started realizing.
He's like, so the time that I've been here, he's
been there seventeen years. He's like, I literally it's been
seven years that I was like, I realized what I
had done and I don't want to put his business
out there because it's I you know what I mean.
But he's accepted a lot of things, and he also
(16:37):
realized that things happen in his life, you know. And
it was one of my worries or my concerns or
my doubts, my questions, and he answered my questions, but
he didn't understand that certain things were wrong, that a
lot of things were wrong, you know. And now he does,
and I think that shows a lot of growth, you know.
(16:57):
And that's what I wanted to feel. I wanted to
go in there and hear those words and really feel
if they were sincere. And I definitely felt that they
were sincere. And his change is sincere. It's weird because
(17:23):
since that day, he's called me a few times. We've
spent time on the phone, like forty five minutes, and
he called me on my birthday and he gives me
advice on my relationship. He loved Emilio, you guys, like
he was. Like it was the weirdest thing because not
that I needed him to accept him, because this is
before we got married, but like it was they looked
(17:45):
into each other's eyes and immediately I think that I
think that's so awesome of him as a man, like
knowing what happened. I've never really told him details at all.
I really haven't spoken about the details to anyone, but
he knows what happened, like he's doesn't hold any anger
or anything towards him, And I think that's a beautiful thing.
And I think he felt that from Emilio, so he
(18:07):
felt like, I really like this guy. He even told
me later on when we spoke, He's like, I really
like him. He looks like he has a very a
very nice heart. I could see through his eyes that
he has a good soultie when Alma and I was like,
he does. So it's almost like he gave me like
his blessing. But I wasn't really looking for that, but
it felt good to get it from at least one
of my parents, you know. And I know a lot
(18:28):
of people are not going to understand and think that
it's weird that I went to see him. And people
always wonder what you're or I've said they've now that
you know they saw it on the docu follow they've
commented like your mom would be so mad, like I
can't believe you did that. That's betraying her. I'm like, dude,
you guys don't know my mom's heart. I guarantee you
(18:49):
that my mother would have taken us to see him.
I know my mom's heart. My mom was an impulsive
woman and sometimes would get upset about things and like,
you know, not talk to you, I shouldn't talk to
me for two months. But she would always come around,
and she would always apologize if she was a little
hard for her to apologize, but she would like with
something like that, or she was a very forgiving, you know,
(19:11):
And I'm like, she would have gone, she would have
taken us. She would always She actually said a few
times that she said, one day, I'm going to take
you guys to see your dad, because Jackie was the
one that would cry for him more and didn't really understand,
and she said, I'm gonna take you one day. I'll
take you. My mom's in heaven. But I do feel
(19:32):
like when I went to the Mountain to see my mom,
I felt like in a way because I had so
many questions within myself that they were answered on that day,
like let go, it's okay. Like I feel like she
was even with me on that day to go see
my dad. So I know people will be confused and
not understand, but you guys, I have a whole book
(19:53):
on it, you know, forgiveness better going in Spanish talking
about forgiveness and the importance of it and how it
liberates you to become your best self, to accomplish things.
And I feel like it's helped me a lot. And
even with this, it just made me feel more sure
(20:13):
about getting married. And I'm proud of myself. It's not easy.
It was not easy, and I face this and I
encourage you guys because I know this happens a lot.
Sexual abuse is a real thing, you guys. And if
it wasn't for my faith and for my therapy, I
don't know where I would be, especially like with my mom,
(20:34):
like never questioning me, and all of that has helped,
and also forgiving. And some of us may not have
the opportunity or the chance or the desire to face
our abuser. But in this case it's different because it's
my dad and I'm just I don't know. I'm proud
of myself, I really really am, and I feel better
(20:55):
ever since I did that. I feel like I healed
my inner child because I felt like a little girl,
and it just I don't know. So I don't know
what's gonna happen from here. I don't know if if
we're going to have a relationship, if you know, he
has a lot more years in there, and I feel bad.
(21:18):
I'm not gonna lie because my damn, that's a long time,
you know. But I'm leaving it in God's hands. And
you know, I I worry for, you know, I asked
for I asked about his daughter as well, and I
know she's she's still like upset with me, and I
(21:38):
don't blame her. Maybe some of his family members as well,
they don't understand. But I think that he's accepted what happened,
and I think that can change a lot of things,
hopefully for the positive. They don't see him in a
negative way because I do. I do worry, guys, because
I definitely didn't want to show the prison that he
(22:01):
was in, because I don't want to coust him issues,
you know what I mean, Like I ask everyone to please,
if you love me, if you care about me, not
to make his life harder in there. Because I talk
about this because it's part of my testimony, It's part
of what I've gone through and what has made me
(22:23):
the woman that I am today, but not to make
him look bad and not to keep picking at that
wound for him. And that's one thing I've been meaning
to tell him because now he knows. You know that
it's on the doc you follow and stuff. And I'm
not trying to disturb their life or make it any
harder at all. It's just also, this is my story
and this happened to me, and I meant to heal
(22:45):
other people. And I do feel bad and I worry
for his safety and I just want to make sure
he's okay, because I do feel that he has changed,
and I do feel that people can change. You have
to want to change, and I feel it and no
one can say and tell me any different. Like I
was there, I saw him. I have good discernment, and
(23:06):
that's what I prayed for. I'm like, God, I want
to feel if this change is real, and I do,
because he even told me he's like, I don't understand
completely why you talk about it so much or why
you talked about it, but like I respect it and
I understand that's your truth. Because it does cause him
more issues, even with his family and that's not what
I'm trying to do, guys, like at all. But I'm
mentioning it here on the podcast because we've talked about
(23:29):
it so much, and I did tell you guys that
I had filed the paperwork, and now I'm ready to
talk about it a little bit more in detail. There
are things that it was like a five hour visit,
so a lot of things. We talked about a lot
of different things. But I don't feel necessarily comfortable talking
about all of it because it's his personal story as well,
and personal things that we talked about. But I am
(23:51):
glad that I did it, and I'm glad that Emilia
was there for me and my sister and that everything
happened the way it was supposed to happen. And I
feel like I got closure exactly what I needed to
imagine so many years, you guys, so many years waiting
for those words forgive me. I felt so validated, Like
(24:14):
I felt like whoa, oh my gosh. Like I was like,
I wish my mom was here to see it, but
I know she was with me, but I'm like, oh,
I felt validated. It just it put a smile on
my face. Of course, I cried and I cried. After
I left, I felt so weird, but like as the
days went by, I just felt like fresh, I felt
brand new. I it just it felt good to finally
(24:38):
feel validated and scene because I felt like some people
thought that I was lying or my mom put this
in my head and that's not the truth. So yeah, guys,
I mean, I hope that you guys learned something and
feel empowered by this episode. And now that I'm here
(25:00):
and I my dad told me that he listens and
watches the podcast, I do want to say something to him.
I'm saying in Spanish, guys, because you know that's how
you know, we speaking communicating Spanish, So oh my god,
it's crazy. Okay, dad, sos is this STEP podcast? The
(25:25):
stepisodios or it's the josemos Pero a Reforce. So that
(26:11):
was for my dad. So thank you guys again, Thank
you guys so much for for listening, for watching. I
appreciate you, and you know I love you, and anything
I talk about on this podcast is to help you
in any way. Hopefully it's not triggering for anyone, and
hopefully the people that don't understand will eventually understand. Thank
(26:32):
you so much, I love you, guys, and I'll catch
you on the next episode of your favorite podcast, Cheekys
and Chill. This is a production of iHeart Radio and
Mike podcast Network. Follow us on Instagram at mikea Podcasts
and follow me Cheeky's That's c h i q u
(26:56):
y s. For more podcasts from iHeart, visit the iHeart
rate You app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your
favorite shows.
Hi, guys, welcome to my podcast, Cheeky's and Chill. I
hope that you're having a beautiful day and you have
a wonderful week or weekend. Hi am going to take
a deep breath because today I'm going to talk about
something that I mentioned earlier on in the season. It's
(00:30):
a personal one. This is what I love about my podcast.
You guys give me the opportunity to speak to you
and share my deepest thoughts and feelings, and that's what
I'm going to do today. So again, earlier this season,
I mentioned that I was going to file paperwork to
go see my dad and it was accepted and I
(00:52):
did go see him. So I'm going to tell you
all about that. So take a deep breath with me. Okay.
I don't know if you guys have watched chiki sinfintro.
It is my docu follow and they did follow me
(01:13):
to go see my dad. Didn't talk much about the
details there, just that I went to go see him.
They weren't able to go in with me the cameras.
So this is my space and my time and my
opportunity to explain to you exactly what happened and what
we talked about and how it went. First of all,
(01:35):
I decided to go see him because it's something that
had been in my heart for a while. For a
long time, I didn't want to, and in all fairness
and honesty, he didn't want to see me either. So
then time passed by. Time went by, and my sister
Jackie has been the one that has gone to go
(01:56):
see him, and you know, she's gotten a lot of
heat for it, and I don't necessary really agree with
it because people say that, Okay, how can you do
that to your sister Jackie? Like she went through this,
She went through that like I feel like, First of all,
she asked me, and I said, yes, sister, thank you
for asking me. You don't have to because that's still
your dad, that's still a relationship that you had and
(02:16):
things that you need to heal. But I do appreciate
you asking me. So she did ask me. I gave
her my blessing. I gave her the green light, and
she started like a friendship with him. Anyways, So why
I decided to go see him, because for I mean,
I forgave my dad a long time ago. I forget
I forgave him. He never asked for forgiveness. I just
(02:39):
that's something that I learned in church and through my mother,
and I saw how she forgave, and I just that's
who I am, you know, at my core, and I
forgave him because I didn't want to hold onto that
and like carry that weight around with me for the
rest of my life. I always tell you guys that
forgiveness is not for the other person, but for yourself.
(03:00):
So I kind of put that to the side for
a long time. What happened with my dad the sexual abuse.
For those of you that may not know, I was
sexually abused by my father when I was young. And
he's now in jail thirty five years, no chance of
parole or thirty years, thirty thirty years. Anyways, the point
(03:20):
is he's been in there for seventeen So for a
long time I was kind of like, Okay, I have
no dad, you know, it's just my mom, my siblings
and I and that's it. And then my mom passed
away and he felt really bad, so he tried to
come around and talk to us, and I wasn't ready.
I was like, why now, why because my mom's not here.
But in his defense, he was like, you know what
I felt bad. I wasn't a great dad, your mom's gone. Like,
(03:42):
if there's anything that I can do and show you guys,
I'm here. I'm going to do that. Took me a
while to accept it, and then I went through my
first divorce, and after that I realized that I had
daddy issues, that I had things that I needed to
work through, and I thought, Okay, I'm older. I went
to there like I'm fine. But after that divorce, things
(04:03):
like resurfaced and I was like, oh my gosh, because
I gott as I as I'm so I was getting older.
I noticed that things that I hadn't healed were affecting
my relationships the way that I was in my relationships,
and I was like, I need to stop this, Like
I don't want to continue attracting this type of treatment,
(04:24):
not loving myself enough, and just so many things that
I'm like, okay, it's coming and stemming from the relationship.
I still like I had a heal with my mom
and certain things that I needed to heal, but also
with my dad. And so when Emilio asked me to
marry him, that's when I was like, Okay, I really
need to face this. I really need to close this
circle to get this this closure. And I asked Emilia
(04:49):
if he'd be down to go with me, and he
said yeah. So to me that was confirmation because in
my past relationships they weren't down, they were like no,
absolutely not. But Emilia was very open and he said yes,
like I think you should. I think you should go
see him and hear what he has to say, especially
if he's also ready, and that also gave me confirmation
and made me feel peace. So anyways, we decided to go,
(05:12):
and that's the reason why, because I felt like I
needed to close to get closure with my mom, which
is why I went to Monterrey to go see her,
you know, and to feel and I just I got
this closure that I needed and this piece in my
heart and then my dad, so before I got married,
that was the whole thing. So anyways, I thought of
(05:50):
my paperwork the first time I was denied. Then I
let like a year pass by and I said, Okay,
I'm gonna try it again and I'm gonna also file
Emilios and we were both did and it took some
time to go out there, and so anyways, the day
came I went to go see him and I was trembling.
(06:13):
I was so scared. I felt like a little girl.
Like I was like, oh my god, I was so nervous.
I'm grown, I go on stage, I do so many things,
like so much has happened, like I couldn't. I almost
didn't recognize myself, like with how nervous I was, and
in media, I was like, I've never seen this. I
was very vulnerable and I felt very safe because I
was with Jackie, my sister, and Emilio, but I was
(06:36):
a different person. I didn't recognize myself. I was like,
who is this person? Like I was just so nervous.
And we get there and everything was kind of going
wrong because the cameras were there. We didn't ask for permission.
They can't be on site, you know, and we didn't
know that. So that was one thing. I was like,
they're about to kick us out. I'm not gonna be
able to do this. But they recognized me and they
(06:58):
were really nice to said, hey, you know, can't have this.
There's so many restrictions, guys. You can't wear a wired brawl,
you can't wear any logos, you can't show any cleavage,
you can't wear anything tight. You can't have it, like
you have to take coins to like for the vending machine,
like there's a lot of rules. So it's my first time,
and my sister, I think forgot so anyway, she had
to go get a sweater. It was just this whole thing,
(07:19):
so mind you. I'm thinking I'm gonna go straight in there,
but no, so here I am, which is kind of
cool because it took us at least forty five minutes
to get accepted, to get in there, to show everything,
like we couldn't take our phone, it's everything. So it
gave me a little bit of time to just realize
(07:39):
where I was and what I was doing. So I
was sitting there waiting and my legs were like literally trembling,
and finally they let us through. I'm walking to where
he is to like the meeting site, and I almost
turned back. I was like, no, I don't want to
do this. I want to go home. I was like,
let's go, and they're like no, it's okay, Like thank goodness,
(08:01):
like a milios of music, It's okay, babe, like it's fine,
we're here, let's do it. I'm like okay, to good
deep breaths. It was very very like mind you. I'm
it's weird because the energy at any like prison is
very different. I'm not necessarily saying like negative, but just cold.
(08:22):
There was no one. Everyone was, I guess in their
cells like there was not There wasn't anyone in sight,
and it was just this weird feeling. Not scared, but
I was just I don't know, it's weird. I don't
even know how to explain it. So anyways, we get there.
First I thought he was already going to be sitting there,
so I could see him from the outside as there
was windows. And again you have to go like through
another process before going into like this open space where
(08:44):
there's vending machines and tables and you know, and there's
security in there, like you know, the the officers or whatnot.
But he wasn't there, and I was like, oh my god.
I was like okay. So then we had to sit
down and I was like okay. I was like okay.
So we down and I was still like where do
I say, like do I want to sit next to him?
And I'm like, okay, I want to sit in front
(09:04):
of him. I want to see him. So I sat
in front and then it was Emilio and Jackie. I
was like, okay, cool, I feel protected. I felt like,
in a weird way, I need to feel protected. And
then like maybe five minutes later, he comes out and
(09:24):
I stood up and he it was like I could
see him from when he came out of the door
and like walking towards and I was like, I was
like as soon as I walked into that place, I
was just like crying. I was like, oh my god, no,
I don't want to do this. I don't want to
do this, like they're like, you have to You're fine,
You're fine, dude. I was a freaking baby. It was
the weirdest thing. Anyways, he comes out and I was like, okay,
(09:46):
should I hug him? Should I not hug him? And
my heart felt like yes. I don't want to be like,
oh hey Dad. You know, I didn't even know if
I was going to call him dad. I didn't even
I didn't plan anything. So he said hi to Jackie,
hugged her, said hi to Emdio, and then he saw
me and then he gave me his hand. I guess
he also felt like, okay, maybe she doesn't want to
hug me. But I pulled him in and I gave
him a hug. I said, hi, Dad, It just happened naturally,
(10:11):
and he said hi. And he only speaks Spanish. He
understands English, but we were speaking in Spanish. And then
he asked me. He's like, can I sit where you're
sitting because I need to see the officer. I'm like okay.
He's like, we're always supposed to. I'm like okay, cool.
So we turned around. I was still in the middle
because I was like, I want to feel protected, you know.
And it was very awkward, awkward at first that we
were both who couldn't look in each other's eyes, Like
(10:31):
I was nervous, he was nervous. Thank goodness for my
sister that she had been there with him. And I
think everything happens the way it should be, the way
it's supposed to happen. I mean, because my sister already
had some type of like relationship with him. So they
were like joking around and I think that helped him
calm down, and it helped me calm down. And anyways,
(10:52):
it took us a while to get to like the
nitty gritty because I was I was there to handle business.
I was like, I need to know if he's going
to accept things, because the only way we can move
forward is if he accepts. For me, that was important
if you accept and you apologize to me. If not,
then I have no interest in even entertaining some type
(11:17):
of relationship. So I was kind of like, okay, okay,
what are we going to talk about? I was like,
are you thirsty? Are you hungry? Because you know, we
could buy stuff from the vending machine and I like
to eat, as you guys know, so that helps me
with my nerves. So I was like, I need to
get something, like some chips or something. He didn't want anything.
Jackie's like, he never eats, He never accepts anything he
doesn't like, you know. So anyways, we just talked about
(11:38):
his family, we talked about how he was doing, and
then finally he's like, do you have any questions? And
I was like, no, I don't have any questions. I
didn't want to ask anything to kind of like I
didn't want to be the one to like prompt him,
you know. I was like, no, I don't have any questions.
Do you have anything you have to tell me? And
he looked at me and he said, yes, I've seen
(12:01):
you on TV. I've heard your podcast. He listened to
my podcast, and he said, I know that there are
words that you want to hear, and I'm more ready
than ever. So then I said, okay. I said, wait,
actually I do have a question. I said okay. I said,
(12:23):
did you were you mad at me? And he said
for a long time, I was very mad at you.
He said, for a long time I was, And I
said okay. He said I didn't understand. I hadn't accepted
a lot of things, and I wanted to blame other
people and not realize what I had done. So he said, yes,
that he was upset. I was like, I felt it.
(12:43):
He's like, were you mad at me? I said no,
just until my mom died. I was like, that's when
I got mad at you, because you were trying to
come around. I didn't understand. I was like, why now,
like why not when my mom was alive? And I
was like, then I kind of got angry. But I
was very angry during that time. Twenty thirteen twenty fourteen
were not good years for me. I was like, I
was pissed at the world. So yes, I was mad
at you just then and then before that, No, And
(13:06):
I told her he said, I've always said it. You
were a good dad, you know, and you did things
that I'm not I can't excuse, but I can't say
you were a horrible father, as weird as that sounds.
And he said, no, I was. I was not a
good dad. It was not a good dad to you guys.
And I could have been better and I could have
been more present, and I'm sorry for that. And then
(13:27):
then he said, I also heard in one of your
interviews that I think it's kind of funny, you know,
like it's like, how weird is it for him to like, oh,
that's my daughter, you know what I mean? Like I
could just I put myself into shoes. Because he's also
said before he's like, it's weird because people here will
call me Suegrol, which means father in law because they
think you're Cue and it just bothers me and it's
(13:48):
like the weirdest thing or whatever. So anyways, so he
told me, I saw an interview and where you said
that people have called you a liar since you were little.
I said, yeah, I said, it's started because of this situation,
I said, and that's one thing that I've struggled with
because it's always like, always called a liar, you know, like,
oh she's lying about this if if it wasn't from you,
it's from your family. And it really bothered me, and
(14:10):
it really affected me. And he said, well, I want
you to know that you're not a liar. And I
was like, oh my god. I was like, thank you.
He's like, you're not a liar, and you only know
what happened to you, and don't let anyone make you
feel like you are wrong for feeling the way that
(14:30):
you feel and for speaking your truth. He's like, does
it make me feel uncomfortable that you speak about it
so often? Yes, it does, but that's your truth and
you have all the right to share it. It's like,
I don't understand it completely because obviously I'm on the
other end, but that's your truth. I said thank you,
(14:52):
and then he looked in my eyes and said better
name said forgive me. Oh my god. I lost it.
I was like, oh my god. I have been dying
to hear those words forever. I was like, oh my god.
You know, we didn't talk about details, but he did
(15:12):
look in my eyes and his eyes were watering. He
said to forgive him. He said I'm sorry. I didn't understand.
For a long time, I was upset at the world
at God. He was young when he was in there,
you know, when they incarcerated him. So and then I
told him, I was like, I don't agree with the
(15:33):
amount of time they gave you. I just feel because
it was such a a public court case, that they
gave you a lot of time. I was like, I
don't agree with that. And I mean, I'm like, Okay,
that's a justice system, but I don't agree with it.
And then he said that, He's like, no, it's like,
(15:54):
I understand. I've heard and I've read a lot of books,
and I've done a lot of research, and I do
feel that I got a lot of time. He's like,
but but God knew why I needed to be here
and the amount of time, because barely a few years
ago I started realizing and reading on a lot of
things and what I did and understanding, and I didn't
(16:14):
understand what I had done wrong until I started realizing.
He's like, so the time that I've been here, he's
been there seventeen years. He's like, I literally it's been
seven years that I was like, I realized what I
had done and I don't want to put his business
out there because it's I you know what I mean.
But he's accepted a lot of things, and he also
(16:37):
realized that things happen in his life, you know. And
it was one of my worries or my concerns or
my doubts, my questions, and he answered my questions, but
he didn't understand that certain things were wrong, that a
lot of things were wrong, you know. And now he does,
and I think that shows a lot of growth, you know.
(16:57):
And that's what I wanted to feel. I wanted to
go in there and hear those words and really feel
if they were sincere. And I definitely felt that they
were sincere. And his change is sincere. It's weird because
(17:23):
since that day, he's called me a few times. We've
spent time on the phone, like forty five minutes, and
he called me on my birthday and he gives me
advice on my relationship. He loved Emilio, you guys, like
he was. Like it was the weirdest thing because not
that I needed him to accept him, because this is
before we got married, but like it was they looked
(17:45):
into each other's eyes and immediately I think that I
think that's so awesome of him as a man, like
knowing what happened. I've never really told him details at all.
I really haven't spoken about the details to anyone, but
he knows what happened, like he's doesn't hold any anger
or anything towards him, And I think that's a beautiful thing.
And I think he felt that from Emilio, so he
(18:07):
felt like, I really like this guy. He even told
me later on when we spoke, He's like, I really
like him. He looks like he has a very a
very nice heart. I could see through his eyes that
he has a good soultie when Alma and I was like,
he does. So it's almost like he gave me like
his blessing. But I wasn't really looking for that, but
it felt good to get it from at least one
of my parents, you know. And I know a lot
(18:28):
of people are not going to understand and think that
it's weird that I went to see him. And people
always wonder what you're or I've said they've now that
you know they saw it on the docu follow they've
commented like your mom would be so mad, like I
can't believe you did that. That's betraying her. I'm like, dude,
you guys don't know my mom's heart. I guarantee you
(18:49):
that my mother would have taken us to see him.
I know my mom's heart. My mom was an impulsive
woman and sometimes would get upset about things and like,
you know, not talk to you, I shouldn't talk to
me for two months. But she would always come around,
and she would always apologize if she was a little
hard for her to apologize, but she would like with
something like that, or she was a very forgiving, you know,
(19:11):
And I'm like, she would have gone, she would have
taken us. She would always She actually said a few
times that she said, one day, I'm going to take
you guys to see your dad, because Jackie was the
one that would cry for him more and didn't really understand,
and she said, I'm gonna take you one day. I'll
take you. My mom's in heaven. But I do feel
(19:32):
like when I went to the Mountain to see my mom,
I felt like in a way because I had so
many questions within myself that they were answered on that day,
like let go, it's okay. Like I feel like she
was even with me on that day to go see
my dad. So I know people will be confused and
not understand, but you guys, I have a whole book
(19:53):
on it, you know, forgiveness better going in Spanish talking
about forgiveness and the importance of it and how it
liberates you to become your best self, to accomplish things.
And I feel like it's helped me a lot. And
even with this, it just made me feel more sure
(20:13):
about getting married. And I'm proud of myself. It's not easy.
It was not easy, and I face this and I
encourage you guys because I know this happens a lot.
Sexual abuse is a real thing, you guys. And if
it wasn't for my faith and for my therapy, I
don't know where I would be, especially like with my mom,
(20:34):
like never questioning me, and all of that has helped,
and also forgiving. And some of us may not have
the opportunity or the chance or the desire to face
our abuser. But in this case it's different because it's
my dad and I'm just I don't know. I'm proud
of myself, I really really am, and I feel better
(20:55):
ever since I did that. I feel like I healed
my inner child because I felt like a little girl,
and it just I don't know. So I don't know
what's gonna happen from here. I don't know if if
we're going to have a relationship, if you know, he
has a lot more years in there, and I feel bad.
(21:18):
I'm not gonna lie because my damn, that's a long time,
you know. But I'm leaving it in God's hands. And
you know, I I worry for, you know, I asked
for I asked about his daughter as well, and I
know she's she's still like upset with me, and I
(21:38):
don't blame her. Maybe some of his family members as well,
they don't understand. But I think that he's accepted what happened,
and I think that can change a lot of things,
hopefully for the positive. They don't see him in a
negative way because I do. I do worry, guys, because
I definitely didn't want to show the prison that he
(22:01):
was in, because I don't want to coust him issues,
you know what I mean, Like I ask everyone to please,
if you love me, if you care about me, not
to make his life harder in there. Because I talk
about this because it's part of my testimony, It's part
of what I've gone through and what has made me
(22:23):
the woman that I am today, but not to make
him look bad and not to keep picking at that
wound for him. And that's one thing I've been meaning
to tell him because now he knows. You know that
it's on the doc you follow and stuff. And I'm
not trying to disturb their life or make it any
harder at all. It's just also, this is my story
and this happened to me, and I meant to heal
(22:45):
other people. And I do feel bad and I worry
for his safety and I just want to make sure
he's okay, because I do feel that he has changed,
and I do feel that people can change. You have
to want to change, and I feel it and no
one can say and tell me any different. Like I
was there, I saw him. I have good discernment, and
(23:06):
that's what I prayed for. I'm like, God, I want
to feel if this change is real, and I do,
because he even told me he's like, I don't understand
completely why you talk about it so much or why
you talked about it, but like I respect it and
I understand that's your truth. Because it does cause him
more issues, even with his family and that's not what
I'm trying to do, guys, like at all. But I'm
mentioning it here on the podcast because we've talked about
(23:29):
it so much, and I did tell you guys that
I had filed the paperwork, and now I'm ready to
talk about it a little bit more in detail. There
are things that it was like a five hour visit,
so a lot of things. We talked about a lot
of different things. But I don't feel necessarily comfortable talking
about all of it because it's his personal story as well,
and personal things that we talked about. But I am
(23:51):
glad that I did it, and I'm glad that Emilia
was there for me and my sister and that everything
happened the way it was supposed to happen. And I
feel like I got closure exactly what I needed to
imagine so many years, you guys, so many years waiting
for those words forgive me. I felt so validated, Like
(24:14):
I felt like whoa, oh my gosh. Like I was like,
I wish my mom was here to see it, but
I know she was with me, but I'm like, oh,
I felt validated. It just it put a smile on
my face. Of course, I cried and I cried. After
I left, I felt so weird, but like as the
days went by, I just felt like fresh, I felt
brand new. I it just it felt good to finally
(24:38):
feel validated and scene because I felt like some people
thought that I was lying or my mom put this
in my head and that's not the truth. So yeah, guys,
I mean, I hope that you guys learned something and
feel empowered by this episode. And now that I'm here
(25:00):
and I my dad told me that he listens and
watches the podcast, I do want to say something to him.
I'm saying in Spanish, guys, because you know that's how
you know, we speaking communicating Spanish, So oh my god,
it's crazy. Okay, dad, sos is this STEP podcast? The
(25:25):
stepisodios or it's the josemos Pero a Reforce. So that
(26:11):
was for my dad. So thank you guys again, Thank
you guys so much for for listening, for watching. I
appreciate you, and you know I love you, and anything
I talk about on this podcast is to help you
in any way. Hopefully it's not triggering for anyone, and
hopefully the people that don't understand will eventually understand. Thank
(26:32):
you so much, I love you, guys, and I'll catch
you on the next episode of your favorite podcast, Cheekys
and Chill. This is a production of iHeart Radio and
Mike podcast Network. Follow us on Instagram at mikea Podcasts
and follow me Cheeky's That's c h i q u
(26:56):
y s. For more podcasts from iHeart, visit the iHeart
rate You app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your
favorite shows.
Host
Chiquis
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