January 3, 2025 • 52 mins
Happy New Year! This week, Rachel Zoe is joined by bestselling author and spiritual teacher, Gabby Bernstein. Gabby has just released her 10th book, Self Help, and is diving into how her own journey to sobriety and internal freedom has informed her massively successful career. This episode is packed with healing takeaways and empowering practices to help start your new year!
Check Out Gabby's Upcoming Tour Dates: https://gabbybernstein.com/events
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:07):
Hi everyone, I'm Rachel Zoe and you're listening to Climbing
in Heels for your weekly Dos, the Flamor Inspiration and
of course Ben. I've been waiting to speak with our
guest today for so long because I have such huge
admiration for her and the beyond incredible work that she
does to help so many people. The wonderful and I'm
(00:29):
going to say prolific author, spiritual teacher, motivational speaker, podcast host,
and more, Gabby Bernstein is on the show today. I'm
sure you've heard of her. Gabby's about to release her tenth,
yes tenth book titled Self Help on December thirty first,
and today she's giving a real look into the very
(00:51):
intense past that shaped and created the woman she is
and the massively successful business that she has built. This
episode is so, so, so packed with motivational takeaways and
positivity and healing techniques, and I hope you love it
as much as I do. Because none of us are perfect.
(01:12):
There's so much to get into, so let's jump right in.
You have had such an extraordinary journey, and sometimes I
touched just a minute on the journey, on the beginning,
but your beginning is so important. It's so paramount to
like who you are and how you chose your journey
(01:32):
and what you want it to be. So I want
to go back and I want to talk about like
where you grew up, how you grew up, because I
think it matters so much.
Speaker 2 (01:41):
Here group in Westchester, and I grew up really spiritual,
so similar to you, Rachel, I'm not religious. It's brought
up Jewish, but i'mally religious.
Speaker 3 (01:51):
Thing.
Speaker 2 (01:52):
I was brought up in a home where spirituality was
very natural conversation. My mother visited as Shroms and my
mother would meditate, and I also was very drawn to
the spirituality of Judaism. So I was very active in
(02:12):
the youth group and I would leave these weekends of
spiritual leadership and I was the president of the regional
youth group.
Speaker 1 (02:20):
And which is amazing, by the way, because I feel
like then, because this was some time ago. I mean,
you're only what puny, but but it was a minute ago.
Speaker 3 (02:30):
I was a minute ago.
Speaker 1 (02:31):
Yeah, this was not like we live in la now
and people do these types of things, or if they
were doing those things, it was like, oh, you're a
hippie from Woodstock and like as shroms and like, it
wasn't something that was I think taken very seriously by
by most people.
Speaker 2 (02:50):
Totally, and it was actually something I was kind of
ashamed of. It was like, sort of, my mom's a
weird hippie, right right, right? Why am I being named
by the gurus? And you know when other kids were
having normally experiences, right, So that spiritual seed was planted
because we learn by experience, and we learn from what
we pick up around us. And so seeing my mother
(03:11):
go into a room totally stressed out and then smelling
the incense anditnessing to the chance coming out of the room,
and then seeing her come out in a different energy.
Speaker 3 (03:19):
Was was what I knew. I was really drawn to that.
Speaker 2 (03:23):
And so as a young teenager, I was struggling with
depression and anxiety, and I asked my mom to teach
me how to meditate, and very quickly I was not
only drawn to the practice, but experienced my own spiritual connection.
And I experienced the physical sensations of being connected to spirit.
(03:44):
And so you know, I know you are familiar with
a lot of mediums, and at the time I didn't
realize that, but that was my own medium shift. It
was my ability to connect to the spiritual realm. So
I'd feel it through my extremities or I'd feel it
just a calmness come over me, and I wouldn't fe alone.
I felt like there was a spiritual presence around me,
(04:04):
and that was very, very soothing to me, and it
really carried me in some of my darkest moments in
my life. And truly, I just kind of turned my
back on that spiritual connection in my late twenties and
in my early twenties, excuse me, into college and into
my early twenties, I just started looking for that outside
of myself and becoming quite addicted to the outside world's
(04:27):
perception of me, and the addicted to relationships, addicted to
being seen, addicted to feeling good enough, and then also
that addiction of work, addiction and trying to prove myself
to the world.
Speaker 3 (04:40):
And this is all in my early twenties twenty one
twenty two, So.
Speaker 1 (04:44):
You already graduated, you already out of college at that point.
Speaker 2 (04:46):
When I was out of college, I went right hardcore
and to let me prove myself to the world, let
me feel seen, because so much of my inner experience
was feelings of inadequacy, and feelings of not being good enough,
feelings of being unsafe, needing to feel in control, to
feel safe, and to feel good enough, and to feel
the world, of course, And and my.
Speaker 3 (05:07):
First job out of school was I've never had I've
never had a job. Actually I've always I had one. Yeah,
like I think I interned for somebody wanted a joke.
Speaker 2 (05:17):
So the the career started right away, right out of collegist.
I've been promoting parties right, so right, very familiar to
early days like going then I closed and say Gabby
at the door, and and I learned really young.
Speaker 1 (05:31):
Hold hold on, I want to rewind for one second.
I want to I want to ask the questions. So,
first of all, you haven't mentioned your dad. Was it
just you and your mom? Were you raised by a
single mom? Or you just different were divorced? So ikay, okay,
because that's important because a very common thread on climbing
and eels since I started it is a lot of
(05:51):
these incredibly successful, powerful women come from a single mother.
Speaker 3 (05:54):
I might as well have.
Speaker 1 (05:55):
Yeah, So well, it's interesting though, because but also as girls,
I mean, I think very often we look at our moms,
especially in adolescent years and go bit you're crazy, Like
I am not listening to you. I'm like, I'm doing
the opposite. What are you doing? You're so wrong? So
(06:19):
first I want to really touch on the fact that
you didn't do that right because you were having like
anxiety and depression and all these things, which is so
important to actually recognize because in those days, I don't
think that teens recognize that. It would always be like
what's wrong with me, I'm so fucked up? Or this
is part of adolescence and like I hate everyone, and
everyone thinks I'm ugly, and everyone thinks I'm bad, and
(06:41):
no boys like me and girls are mean, and like
all the things we go through right for approval because
adolescence is so brutal. And this is obviously before social media.
But what's very interesting to me, having been a teen
girl with like a degenerate boyfriend and the whole thing,
like I'm I'm fast needed by the fact that you
(07:01):
touched on your spirituality and went with it and like
followed what your mom was doing instead of being like
you weirdo, what are you doing? This shit doesn't work?
Speaker 2 (07:10):
I think I was really out of desperation, right, I
didn't I didn't have any other way out. I was
so you know, and I I was brought up homeopathic,
so like going to a sex interesting kind of figuring that.
It was like, more like, what's the remedy, you know,
interesting it was it was It wasn't It wasn't like
they were going to you know, sort of give me
(07:31):
like ADHD, psych or anything.
Speaker 3 (07:33):
Right. It was more like you.
Speaker 1 (07:34):
Were not getting focal in in those days.
Speaker 2 (07:36):
Or after all over and I was, and I was
gifted this meditation practice, but at the time it was
it was only a little bit that could give me
that safety inside. And truly I didn't feel safe. I
didn't feel safe inside, and and I didn't know why
for so many years. And actually so much of it
was revealed to me in my later life, but of it.
Had experienced trauma as a child, I didn't know. I
(07:57):
dissociated from it, and so with that I was very
hyper vigilant.
Speaker 3 (08:01):
I was really afraid.
Speaker 2 (08:02):
And so that people who have adverse childhood experiences do often.
Speaker 3 (08:07):
Wind up with addiction, and that was the case for me.
Speaker 2 (08:09):
So by the time I was in my early twenties
and running, you know, I was running a pr company
that represented night clubs.
Speaker 1 (08:15):
Right of course, Okay, as one would, which is perhaps
the most dangerous job for like a young girl in
Manhattan most like beautiful, like working the door, and guy like,
I mean, it's yeah, it's it's it's a slip race.
Speaker 2 (08:29):
I've honestly, like the amount of the shit that I did,
I don't even know how I'm alive and so but
I think I'm alive because I hit bottom fast.
Speaker 1 (08:36):
Rachel, Yeah, when you were young.
Speaker 3 (08:38):
By the time I was.
Speaker 2 (08:39):
Twenty five, I was just with this severe cocaine addiction
daily happy, and I was still like the salesperson of
my company and a business partner. I was like, I
was still the one bringing in all the business, so
I could show up at noon.
Speaker 3 (08:53):
I could.
Speaker 2 (08:54):
I ran my own business. There was no consequences. But
I had enough spiritual awareness. The stack of self help
books that were next to my bed in my studio apartment,
and I would have these after hours parties with like
drug dealers, just random folks, and I'd be sitting in
my apartment and I'd be looking at those self help
books and I would say to them, I'm going to
(09:14):
be a self help book author and a motivational speaker.
Speaker 3 (09:16):
These people will be like shut the fuck off, like.
Speaker 1 (09:19):
You okay, you're about to die, Like what you talking?
Speaker 3 (09:22):
All right? What are you talking about?
Speaker 2 (09:24):
But I knew, I always knew I had that spiritual
faith inside. I leaned on these books. I would read
them as I was coming down at night. I would
journal feverishly in my journal. And I remember being one
one day, really the days before I got clean and sober.
I remember being in my car across the street from
(09:49):
my apartment doing alternate side the street, parking on thirteenth Street, Village,
beat up white Toyota Corolla, like chugging a gatorade, and
I was listening to this cassette tape and it was
just playing over and over and over.
Speaker 3 (10:02):
I was go rewind. It was a cassette tape.
Speaker 1 (10:05):
Cassette tape. Obviously, you're right by the Waverley by the
way exactly and Mumba exactly.
Speaker 3 (10:11):
So I would hit rewind and play and rewind and
play and rewind and plane.
Speaker 2 (10:14):
I just kept hitting it again and again and again
because I wanted to keep listening to this words. And
what I was listening to was this psychic reading that
I had had six months prior and the psychic's words
were so clear, and she kept saying to me, you're
you're addicted, You're having.
Speaker 3 (10:30):
Prediction problems, and I was like, it's not that bad.
Speaker 2 (10:32):
And then she went on to say, you have two
choices in this lifetime. You can choose to stay on
the path that you're on and it will be very destructive,
where you can choose to get clean and make a
major impact on the world.
Speaker 3 (10:46):
And I just kept.
Speaker 2 (10:46):
Repeating this, rewind, play, rewind play, listening to the cassette tape,
and I got out of my car and I went
back to my apartment and I started to fall asleep.
Speaker 3 (10:55):
That morning, it was like noon.
Speaker 2 (10:57):
At this point, I was just scribbling in my book,
you know, get get clean and live a life beyonder
wildless dreams.
Speaker 3 (11:03):
And and it was days.
Speaker 2 (11:04):
Later that I made that commitment to get clean and
sober and October second, two thousand and five, it was
nineteen years ago.
Speaker 3 (11:11):
Wow, Ohity for you, Yeah, and I for you.
Speaker 2 (11:15):
That was the turning point of my life and the
turning point of my career because obviously, if this is
my new life, I'm not going to be able to
do what I was doing. Yeah, very quickly, brove into
becoming a spiritual teacher.
Speaker 3 (11:28):
I mean, like if you had been in New York at.
Speaker 1 (11:30):
That time, I was, I was. It was the best,
by the way, it was belfing best.
Speaker 3 (11:37):
It was fun. I wish you guys had been in
my early lectures like it was. It was. It was
so cool.
Speaker 2 (11:42):
It was just like all these girls like dressed to
the nines that otherwise would have been in the club,
but now it's Friday night and they're like in a
church listening to me talk about spirituality.
Speaker 1 (11:51):
Huh. And by the way, I will say this, Gabby
to the to that end that I knew many people
that I was very close too at that same exact
time that you were going through this that we're also
going through it and didn't get clean and it ended
very differently, and you know, and it ended very differently.
(12:12):
And even one of them myself recently is in rehab
for like I don't know, twentieth time now. Yeah, like wild. So,
I mean there's a lot of power in that. And
I think I think using that moment to put forth
what you've put forth and helped and saved so many people.
So like, so you had that moment, you had this epiphany.
(12:33):
You had this awakening. Now did you go through like
drug addiction treatment or were you just like, I'm done.
Speaker 2 (12:40):
I got sober in twelve step program. I got myself
and sober. I walked my ass over to the famous,
the famous meeting in the West Villain.
Speaker 1 (12:48):
Yes, I asked, I was so many of people allowed.
Speaker 2 (12:51):
That meeting thirty am every morning. And I did that
for six years in a row. And the thing that
was so cool about that time, and I have such
fond memories of that time. Rachel was I was young
in sobriety in New York City in the early two thousands,
and it was hard, you know what though, it was
(13:12):
so fun. It was so fun for me because there,
because they were young. It was all the people you
party with. Yeah, of course, man, you know there's a
guy who's lines with and they're all in meeting.
Speaker 1 (13:24):
There's that fashion editor, that famous.
Speaker 2 (13:28):
Mashion designer, like everybody there and then and and but
there was this youthful There is in New York City
still a young contingency of sobriety that's been in LA
as well. That's so awesome because when you find your
way into that, it's actually like this extraordinary community that
you get wrapped with.
Speaker 3 (13:49):
It wraps around you.
Speaker 2 (13:51):
And my friends who have stayed sober with me throughout
the two decades now we won, they're extraordinarily successful and
they're fields and two they're just they're just there's it's
just sort of like childlike essence there's because there's so
much recovery and we have such on memories of those times.
Speaker 1 (14:12):
And also, I think I would argue to say that
addiction is something that it well, first of all, you know,
it doesn't discriminate, right, Like, it really doesn't discriminate. I
think we know that. And I think when you're surrounded
by people that are just like you, it's not like,
(14:35):
no way that happens to them. It's like, no, that
happened to me, and it happened to this person that
is really a lot like me. And I think when you.
Speaker 3 (14:44):
Have that.
Speaker 1 (14:47):
Epiphany, it makes you, it makes I think that journey
a little bit I don't want to say easier, but
I think you are your friends, right like fellowship.
Speaker 2 (14:57):
You know, you'll yeah have fellow Step addicts talk about
fellowship is what saves them because you know, when you're
early in sobriety, you may not know what a higher
power is to you. You might not resonate B, but you
have the community, and the community can can save you.
Speaker 3 (15:11):
And in my case it did. And then it.
Speaker 2 (15:14):
Made me really inspired to create community outside of those
rooms where people may not have the privilege of finding
their way into those rooms. Sure, and so that's where
my my spiritual community, getting on stages and just giving
talks with with you know, setting up the chairs in
my heels, talk about being.
Speaker 3 (15:30):
In my heel exactly.
Speaker 2 (15:32):
Setting up I was like renting a room in the
Gay Lesbian Transgenders that's on thirteenth Street, and like legit
like like opening up like chairs by myself or with
my volunteers.
Speaker 1 (15:43):
These these those like metal folding chairs, those like ones
without like pretend cushion lining on it.
Speaker 3 (15:48):
Audience has got big, Rachel.
Speaker 2 (15:49):
It's like three hundred chairs, right, So I'd be like
opening up these chairs and this little jinky platform and
the crappiest sound system and people were coming and I
saw videos from those days. I'll send you a clip
of a video. You could mix it in here. God,
it was so funny, you know. The outfits were just
totally fucked, but like I needed you I.
Speaker 1 (16:07):
Really, honey, you're you're doing fine, like you do it
right now. But here's the thing, so I've often said,
and I don't know if it's a good thing to say.
I say it as a joke, but I kind of
mean it also, but anxiety for me, it's kind of
(16:27):
served a bit as my superpower, a bit as my fire,
a bit as like my I don't I don't know
that I've ever looked at it as a negative thing.
I'm sure it is in some ways, but I also
feel like it has served me because I'm aware of
it and because I've always had it right, Like I'm
prone to it as a kid, and I'm always to
your point, like what if people think I want to
(16:48):
do the best, I want to be the best. I
can't let this person down. And I think even going
into your career, especially as an entrepreneur, as you said earlier,
like I've worked for myself. I had one job my
whole career, and I I have worked for myself since
I was twenty five years old. And while terrifying and
that feeling of like there is no fallback, right because
(17:11):
there's no one who can if I don't show up,
We're fucked right, there's no one. I don't have a partner,
I don't have a like, there is no two of me.
So like if I have one hundred and four fever,
I'm still going to set right. And so whatever that
was and the money I was making, there was no
margin for error. And I think with you, it's like
(17:31):
you have built this career to help and save so
many people who have experienced a range of hundreds to
thousands of different issues. Right, But I do think at
the core it comes from this spirituality and this belief
that you can heal. Right, you can heal in your
mind and your body and all these things. So tell
(17:54):
me about this sort of core of you and sort
of like what makes Gabby Bernstein Gabby Bernstein because like
when you sit, because there's a million like people that
want to be life coaches. They're like, do i't want
to be with my life now? Oh? You know what,
I help people? Or I can talk to people. I
can I'm a life coach.
Speaker 3 (18:11):
Now.
Speaker 1 (18:11):
It's like when people would say to me about styling,
I love clothes. I'm going to be a stylist, bitch,
do you like to work your fucking ass off? And
like miss everything that matters in your life, like you know,
like let me so I want to talk to you
about that because nine now soon to be ten books
and a million talks later in front of thousands of people,
(18:32):
and like you have set the bar now right, So
tell me about how you became. Gaby Bernstein this like
nice Jewish girl from Westchester.
Speaker 3 (18:44):
I think that that the becoming.
Speaker 2 (18:48):
Is actually the undoing right because as I as I
grew in my career, I was growing inside right and.
Speaker 1 (18:59):
The real yourself along the way.
Speaker 2 (19:02):
I've written ten books in fourteen years. I've written everything
in one of those books for myself. First. Every talk
I've given, I've given for myself. Everything I've done, I
have done to heal my own core belief systems and
to reshape my patterns and unburden myself from beliefs and
extreme behaviors that have been protecting me for so many years,
(19:25):
and to release those forms of protection and feel safe
inside of myself and trust myself. And so the commitment
to my inner work and the commitment to my spiritual faith,
but particularly the personal development work, the therapeutic work that
I have courageously gone through and continued to do daily
(19:47):
is how I have become me truly as in sad
the truth if we are our highest self is always there.
Speaker 3 (19:55):
And in my new book self Help, actually.
Speaker 1 (19:58):
Which is so funny that you named it that, Yeah,
that was a little tongue in cheek, I feel it.
Speaker 2 (20:03):
Is because because what it's about is accessing your highest
self as your internal parent, to heal all those younger
parts of yourself that have been so.
Speaker 3 (20:12):
Burned for so long. And so in this instance that
that self, that self energy.
Speaker 2 (20:18):
Maybe you would consider it like flow energy, or maybe
like the Buddha nature or the God within you, or
your confidence and your courage, and like Rachel, when you're
on set and you're just in the flow and you're
just in that place, you're just like time, it's just gone,
and you're just expanding moments that self right when you're
with your boys and you're just in like that child
(20:39):
like wonder, just having fun. That self, when you're in
your energy of connection and compassion and courage and curiosity,
that self and we all have self. And in the
book I talk about how self is like the sun
behind the clouds, and when the clouds, the self is
always there, but the clouds are in the way, and
as the clouds begin to live through the personal development,
(21:02):
through the connection inside, that true self emerges like the
sun and we feel our most authentic.
Speaker 1 (21:11):
What do you do when the clouds are covering too thick?
Speaker 3 (21:14):
I would pick up the book self Help?
Speaker 1 (21:18):
I gather, I know, I'm picking up the book self Help.
Speaker 3 (21:21):
That's damn sure.
Speaker 2 (21:22):
Now I'll tell you exactly what you do. It's a
four step practice in the book, and we can do
it right now. I mean, I think that that's the
simplicity of it. This book is based on a therapy
that changed my life, and then I took that therapy.
It's called IFS Internal Family Systems Therapy, and I made
it a self help tool because it changed my life
so much that I wanted people outside of the therapist's
office to get it. So I made it a tool.
(21:43):
And really, the clouds, what are those clouds who represent?
Those clouds represent the beliefs and the patterns and the
extreme behaviors that we feel stuck in. Right, So you're
familiar with that. Everybody listening familiar and we can check
in with it.
Speaker 3 (22:02):
Right.
Speaker 2 (22:03):
So, typically when we have those beliefs in those patterns
that are so strong and so ingrained in us, like
people pleasing or overworking, or addiction, or you know, running too.
Speaker 1 (22:14):
Much empathy, empathy to the detriment, overriding.
Speaker 3 (22:18):
Ourselves exactly, codependency.
Speaker 2 (22:22):
For me, there's a controlling part that's really run my
life for very long.
Speaker 3 (22:26):
I know, any entrepreneurs, any woman that you have on
this show is and be like, I got a controller.
Speaker 1 (22:30):
I know, perfectionism, control. I mean, there's definitely ten, a
list of ten that we could all pretty much check.
Speaker 2 (22:37):
I think so many, and there's so these parts of
us are Actually if you ask those parts of yourself,
like the controlling part of yourself, or the part of
you that maybe it is the perfectionist Rachel, if you asked,
how long have you been around?
Speaker 3 (22:47):
What would those parts of you say?
Speaker 1 (22:49):
I mean since I was born? I mean I can ever,
I don't know when when.
Speaker 2 (22:55):
Not, when it hasn't been there, we don't even. Of course,
the work in this book is about witnessing those those
parts of us that are so extreme that we often
can shame and blame, and seeing them actually as protection mechanisms,
like coping mechanisms.
Speaker 3 (23:12):
Yeah of course, right, okay, so.
Speaker 1 (23:13):
You can it's like, okay, I'm not going to get
hurt because I can do this, or like that person
can't do that to me because I'm going to use
this power that I have.
Speaker 2 (23:22):
That's exactly right. And so if we've got these protection
mechanisms on high alert all the time, the next question
is who are these protection mechanisms. These will call them
protector parts. Who are they protecting?
Speaker 3 (23:34):
Right?
Speaker 2 (23:35):
And so it's the young little girl that feels like
someone's going to take advantage of her, or the little
girl in my case, the little girl who experienced trauma
who does feel safe, or the little girl lived in
chaos and was just like I need to control everything
in order to not feel like I'm going to die.
And so we live our lives and those are exiled
little little parts of ourselves that experienced trauma or attachment
(23:57):
brief breach, or the feelings of inadequacy, being unlovable or
not good.
Speaker 1 (24:01):
And how much you block those I think as women,
we block them so we can move forward.
Speaker 2 (24:05):
Right, We live in these protector parts, these coping mechanisms
to never have to feel those exiled feelings again. So
what happens we live from trigger to trigger, right, so
somebody doesn't do the thing we want and then we're
like super fucking activated and we're in this new part
or you know, we're being a perfectionist because things don't
feel like they're in control or whatever. However we act
(24:26):
out and so as leaders, as entrepreneurs, as women, these
parts can really take over, and sometimes we can be
so blended with them that we can walk away and
be like, I don't know what came over me, particularly
with our romantic partners. Right, So like, don't talk about,
you know, extreme parts triggering each other.
Speaker 3 (24:45):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (24:46):
So this book is all about helping the coping mechanisms,
helping the protector parts feel more settled. Okay, And so
I'm gonna take you through it because I think you're
ready for this, all right, So you're tracking with me.
Speaker 3 (24:59):
We don't have to do it you in real time,
but you're a listener, can do it.
Speaker 1 (25:02):
Yeah, No, I mean I listen. I think to some extent,
I don't even think to some extent we all need this.
And I do want to say one thing before and
I want to see if you agree with me. I
was at this event Lachma and a really dear friend
of mine, a very successful power couple wife total badass husband,
badass and a sweetheart. And he was telling me how
(25:25):
all the guys in his life are like breaking down. Right,
So he's about forty six forty seven, He's like, all
my friends are just breaking down. He said, I don't
know why. And he said, it's a midlife crisis. It's
whatever he goes. But I feel like that doesn't happen
to you. Guys like meeting women. And I said, I'm
going to tell you something interesting. And I didn't think
about it when I said it, and he said, that
was brilliant. I never thought of it that way, and
(25:45):
you are probably right. And what I said was, here's
the thing. I think women aren't, to some extent always
in a midlife crisis, right, Like I think to some extent,
we come into this world for the most part, obviously
generally speaking, we are insecure and feel not enough and
feel put these things up and like, no one's gonna
(26:06):
love us, no one's going to this, no one's we
have to be the best at this. We have to
prove ourselves our egos or this or that, all the
things right, the insecurities, And I'm like, whereas dudes are
like I got this, Like I'm good, I'm driven by ego,
and I'm like, we've been in this our whole lives.
This is how we function. It is only now that
society is letting us not feel that way, right, Like
it's cool to feel fucking strong and good about yourself
(26:29):
as a woman, Whereas before it was like that bitch
is difficult, right, Like she she speaks too loud, she
speaks too much, or she's like she's too opinionated. Whereas
guys now in their in their mid forties to fifties,
they're like, oh my god, I'm not successful enough. Oh
my god, I'm not like whatever, and I'm like, yeah,
we've dealt without our whole lives. We're just coming out
(26:50):
of that, right.
Speaker 2 (26:51):
Add hormones to all of the okay, add no puberty
and add but then add part of and then and then.
Speaker 3 (27:00):
I'd fucking menopause to that.
Speaker 1 (27:01):
Yeah yourself, men, Yeah exactly. Are a lot of the
people that you speak to and work with young, because
I believe that some of the work that you do
is the most important for adolescents, because I think that
I think that your journey as an adult is so
(27:24):
impacted by those years.
Speaker 2 (27:26):
My most important student is my son, Oliver, who's six.
He has my absolute most valuable student, and he is
my most important to understand, not just because he's mine,
but because he's so malleable right that when I see
Allie get flooded with because he actually can't stand to
(27:48):
be wrong right, So the second he gets a number
wrong or a letter wrong, he loses his shit and
he'll storm off.
Speaker 3 (27:53):
And so instead of saying to.
Speaker 2 (27:55):
Him you're fine, you're fine, or you know you did
just fine, or you're gonna be fine or get over
it or move on it'll be whatever, like let it
go is not a big deal, instead of overriding his experience,
I'll follow the steps first, I'll choose to check it.
I have to give him the choice to check it.
Speaker 3 (28:12):
You know, if you go to your.
Speaker 2 (28:12):
Boys when they're activated talk about it, they'll be like, no,
I'm not ready, you know, to the hand.
Speaker 3 (28:18):
And so I'll have to wait a little bit.
Speaker 2 (28:20):
And so sometimes I'll go to his room and he'll
rustle around, and once I see things moving around in
his room, I can go in a knock and be like,
would you like to check it? So when I get
buy in from him, I know it's and he's only six.
Speaker 1 (28:32):
I want to just remind everyone because this is so important.
Speaker 3 (28:36):
I really there's a two year old. You can do
with a two year old.
Speaker 1 (28:39):
Yeah, but I feel what you're saying, and I think
it's so important for parents to hear this. This is
not stuff that happens when you graduate college and go
on your own. This is stuff that is from day
one that.
Speaker 2 (28:51):
You no If we can help our little people, that's
how we save the world, because all the drama in
our world is just people that activated parts being activated
and debated and activated.
Speaker 3 (29:01):
Yeah, that's what we're living in right now.
Speaker 2 (29:04):
So by helping Ali have that inner resilience, he can't
connect to that self energy. He needs me to be
it for him right now. And if I can be
it for him, then he can learn to access that
for himself. So then I'll just get curious, you know,
like what's.
Speaker 3 (29:19):
Going on, what are you feeling? What do you want
me to know? And then I'll ask what do you need?
Speaker 2 (29:23):
And I'll be like I need a hug, or I
need space or whatever he needs. And then I'll see
and I'll check in a it does he seem a little.
Speaker 3 (29:29):
Bit more calm?
Speaker 2 (29:30):
Does he seem a little connected, does he seem curious,
does he seem like there's a creative energy going And
once I see the shift in him, then I'll then
I'll know we can redirect right. And that's what all
those great great parenting books will say, like connect and
redirect right. Connection has to come first, and that connection
is through the four steps right now?
Speaker 1 (29:49):
Okay, so internal internal family systems? Can you define that? Like,
because that obviously something you're trying to scream about, Like
what actually does that mean? Because we know what are
internals systems are? But what is internal family systems is
that you're saying those are the triggers, and the triggers
nothing to.
Speaker 2 (30:05):
Do with your external family except for the fact that
they may be the triggers that put the feelings there.
Speaker 3 (30:09):
But it's actually an inner family of parts of who
you are.
Speaker 2 (30:13):
So it's like an inn family of little children inside
your self. Energy is the internal parents, the inner leader.
And instead of overriding all these young experiences and patterns
that have been around for so long, the ideas to
befriend them and know them and give them some space
to reveal what they need so that they can relax.
(30:33):
And then when these parts of us relax, more of
that calmness can emerge, more of that clarity can emerge
or can emerge. And so it's this practice of witnessing
what's it's happening inside and then checking in with it
instead of checking out.
Speaker 3 (30:49):
And we live our lives checking out, checking out, checking out.
I got this good?
Speaker 2 (30:54):
Yeah, control over this, or I'm going to eat over this,
or I'm going to drink over this, or I'm going
to work over this.
Speaker 3 (31:00):
I'm gonna numb out with YouTube over this.
Speaker 2 (31:02):
And we're just in these patterns, just just pushing past,
pushing people, pleasing over this, whatever it is, because I
don't want to feel those feelings.
Speaker 3 (31:11):
Instead of having.
Speaker 2 (31:12):
To go to the darkest feelings of our life, which
we can do in therapy, this practice is just about
tending to those protection mechanisms.
Speaker 1 (31:18):
Yeah, it's so important. It's so interesting because it's so
incredibly important because I think, I mean, listen, I'm gonna
use myself as an example, right because I can't speak
to anybody else, but I can say that for me,
it's that constant like I grew up in the most loving,
like non traumatizing childhood, right like I just I say
(31:40):
that very openly because I understand as an adult how
grateful I am for that.
Speaker 3 (31:45):
Right.
Speaker 1 (31:46):
That does not mean that I'm not fucked up in
many ways from Gondos one. But I guess what I'm
saying is that I definitely have lived my adult life
and listen, probably my younger life life, right, but like
with protections with walls, and everybody's like, how do you
do it? How do you go through blah blah blah
(32:06):
blah blah, and they'll list out ten things I'm dealing with, right,
and then like personal shit work stuff like kids at
whatever it is, right, and I'm like, you just do
I just do? What do you mean? Like I just do?
And They're like, but you seem so happy, And I'm like, well,
I am happy, right, Like I am happy, but like,
trust me, i'm internally I am in like it looks
(32:28):
like a twister, you know, it looks like a massive tornado.
And it's like, you know, I've kind of always used
that analogy of like, yes, I am happy, Yes I
am together. I'm not like lying to you guys. But
at the same time, trust me when I tell you
the inside looks so hustly different from the outside. And
(32:48):
I think that's because to your point, it's living in protections,
it's living with walls, it's living with these things that
we block. And I always say I block and tackle,
I block and tackle, and that's just internal and external. Right.
Speaker 2 (33:00):
Wow, even that language, that's so beautiful. I block and tackle. Right,
We're all living our lives block and tackle, blockerly, block
and tackle. Everyone listening is going to be like, yeah,
me too, in their ways, right, your own ways. And
the thing that's really important for me to say, Rachel,
is that these parts of us, while they may be
(33:21):
very extreme, they also have had really good roles in
our life. Right, So controlling part, I'm working really really
hard to help that part of me calm down and
to take on a new role. But listen, she wrote
ten books in fourteen. Yeah, right, your block and tackle
made a movement, and there's an icon in your industry.
Speaker 3 (33:43):
You know what I mean and not.
Speaker 1 (33:45):
But what you're saying is exactly why I think as
women and many men, we know, many incredibly successful men,
they're going to say, well, why am I going to
try and change that? Right? Because it's working. I'll tell
you at what point? Yeah, please? Because I think that's interesting.
Speaker 2 (34:02):
Well, think like, well, I don't want to lose my edge,
right your fire. Actually, what I want to suggest is
that you can just soften your edges. So I'll give
you my own example. Right, So, the controller has done
a lot in nineteen years of her career and in
forty five years of her life, she's done a lot
of good for the world. She has written many books,
(34:25):
she's spoken all over the place, She's done a lot
for the world.
Speaker 3 (34:28):
She's created a child, the whole thing.
Speaker 2 (34:31):
But she's done it in such extreme ways for so
long at my own expense. And so I wouldn't have
that child like joy, right, I would miss the joy
of like tasting my food or like having fun in
the moment and just being present. And so I don't
want that controller to stop doing the great work she's doing,
(34:52):
but I definitely don't want her to run the show
anymore because it's too extreme for me. And so as
I've tended to her with this process of checking in
and checking in, working with her and working with her,
now she's taking on a new role. So she's not
going away. She's not a bad part. She's just emerging
into a more relaxed role.
Speaker 1 (35:11):
Right.
Speaker 2 (35:11):
So instead of being the asshole on the team call
being like do this, do that, she can actually speak
with more clarity now because she's one mom, and she
can say, I'm noticing that things are not working out
the way that I would hope, and I need things
to be a little bit more organized, and so my
expectation is x y Z, and so I'm.
Speaker 3 (35:32):
Looking forward to seeing the results much. So.
Speaker 2 (35:35):
That's a badass, powerful entrepreneur talking to the team saying
it's time for all of us to get in gear.
Speaker 3 (35:42):
But it's not a controlling asshole, right.
Speaker 1 (35:45):
It's that's so interesting. That is so interesting because I
think I want to really I want to touch on
that because I think I think there is this real
like it's like a tug of war. I think in
most successful powerful people like I can't be me unless
(36:05):
I do this right. And I've always said my number
one thing is lead with love, lead with kindness. You
don't have to be an asshole to be successful. You
don't have to like, you don't have to fuck people
over to win it something right like, And I think
that that is a newer concept for I think most
(36:26):
industries like sort of sort of saying I can still
win it this and not be an asshole. I can
still be nice to people. And I think to your point,
there is a real fear of like, wait, I won't
have that same power. I won't have that edge. I
won't they won't listen to me. If I don't.
Speaker 3 (36:44):
Act like this, right, I won't be heard.
Speaker 1 (36:47):
I won't I won't be heard.
Speaker 3 (36:49):
And the thing is, you know, one time I.
Speaker 2 (36:50):
Had my therapist, She's like, I would recommend that maybe
you don't run your business like a ten year old anymore,
and from your ten old and I'm like, every day
you every day, even today, I was like talking about
VP of marketing. I was like, Okay, I recognize there's
a part of me that wants this done tomorrow and
(37:10):
that that could maybe be a little bit aggressive, and
so I'm gonna speak for what I want and what
i need, but I'm also going.
Speaker 3 (37:17):
To give you some space. Right.
Speaker 2 (37:18):
So it's so different than just being blended with that
part of myself and thinking if I don't get it
done the way that I want it, in the time
that I want it, I won't survive.
Speaker 3 (37:26):
Right.
Speaker 2 (37:27):
And that's the miracle of this work is that the
more you check in the more you start to experience
that calmness in that connection, and the more clarity you
have and the more creative energe you have, and this
new part of you starts to emerge. And what that
part of you that's starting to emerge is is a
child like part of you that got pushed.
Speaker 4 (37:50):
Down for so long, the happy child, the happy child
to be by the way, that's to be your next book,
happy child, like you know, I mean.
Speaker 1 (38:01):
You're so prolific at this point. I feel like you
could write one by Monday or something.
Speaker 3 (38:04):
I want another one already. I have another one. I'm
submitting it in January.
Speaker 1 (38:11):
So I do I do want to touch on one
thing you said, because you said my therapist, because I
think many people would say, well, Gabby and going to
her talks and da da da, she is my therapist now, right.
And I also want to say that I'm someone who
until very recently, and I've never said this out loud
other than to my internal people. You know, I've never
(38:33):
been a believer in therapy. Right, yet I have more
people in my life that can't breathe without a therapist.
They're like, oh, I got to think, God, a therapy
can notes like a, it's like, and I think what's
interesting is some of the things you've said is I
think part of it is you. It's the blocking and tackling, right.
You don't want to go to the underneath. You don't
(38:54):
want to necessarily unblock it because you're like, I'm doing great,
I don't need to cover that stuff, right, So I
want to talk about it because one would think sitting
here with Gaby Bernstein and life coaching half the world
at this point through your books and you know, your
talks and all of these things and your pod and
everything else, it's sort of like, Okay, why do you
(39:18):
need a therapist now? So and I know why, but
like I want you to share that concept, right.
Speaker 2 (39:24):
Well, I have a couples therapists, I have a personal therapist.
I have because you know why, Rachel, I want to
feel as absolutely.
Speaker 3 (39:32):
Free as I can.
Speaker 1 (39:35):
So interesting.
Speaker 2 (39:36):
I have been on a pursuit of freedom since the
moment I landed here on this planet, and that freedom
is what I'm here to live inside and what I'm
here to teach, so I will hopefully.
Speaker 3 (39:50):
I mean, my new therapist is like fabulous.
Speaker 2 (39:54):
I love her so much, and I love all my
therapists I've had throughout my life, but this one is
just so amazing.
Speaker 3 (39:59):
That is really like shining the crystal. You know. It's
like I go in and I'm like, what who are
we going to check in with today? You know? And
I do.
Speaker 2 (40:06):
IFS therapy, So that's what I'm drawing to have read
book for it. But it's just had such a profound
impact on my life that I wouldn't do it any differently.
And I think that that what's it's about this book.
Speaker 3 (40:17):
It's called self help.
Speaker 2 (40:18):
It's like for the folks that are like, no, thank you,
it's really for the people that are in the therapy
because it will Hanser therapy, for spiritual students because it
will Hnsterer spiritual practice, And it's for the folks that
are like, I don't really like is this it? Like
it's just happen to feel forever, like is this a
better way? But maybe they don't want to go to therapy, And.
Speaker 3 (40:35):
So this is a gentle path. This isn't asking you
to go unearth your deepest, darkest wounds. It's asking you
just to find a new way of relating to yourself.
Speaker 1 (40:44):
And it's very attainable, like I almost feel like this
is sort of the one oh one for people who
are like it's self help one oh one, And I
think that's probably what you meant by the by the
title a little bit, which is like, you know what,
this doesn't take a whole lot of work. This is
like really just helping you in your every day life
(41:07):
feel the best you can. Or even just if you
feel a little better from doing this throughout the day,
that's what.
Speaker 3 (41:14):
You're trying better.
Speaker 2 (41:15):
Yeah, that's actually my goal for the reader is like,
have these moments follow the four steps, even once a day.
But the more often you do it, more more more
free feel. But they have to do it once a day,
you get a glimmer of that self energy so calm,
that connection. And it's just really about adding up those moments,
those glimmers, because once you have a little taste of
(41:35):
it and you're like, ooh, I just said that four
steps and I actually feel a lot more calm right now.
Or I just said I just had such an anxiety attack,
but I use Gabby these four steps and whoo, the
anxiety is lifting.
Speaker 1 (41:47):
It's like a break. It's okay, it's it's a break.
Speaker 3 (41:50):
And once you have a taste of that, you want
more of it? I mean to ask you a question
in you.
Speaker 1 (41:59):
I want to ask a question because I could obviously
talk to you for fifteen hours, but I do have
to let you go. You said that you've been on
a journey for freedom, internal freedom and external. I imagine
since you came onto this earth, right, how do you
feel today at forty five with ten bucks soon to
(42:21):
be eleven? God knows the next time I freaking speak
to you, helping get jillions of people, and you know,
having been through what you've been through, how do you
feel on your journey to freedom?
Speaker 3 (42:34):
Like?
Speaker 1 (42:34):
How do you feel today?
Speaker 3 (42:36):
I'm going to answer with a story.
Speaker 2 (42:37):
So I was a he a few weeks ago and
I was at dinner and I'm I'm looking at the
menu and You're gonna laugh when I talk about this,
but I was like, I was like, the well is chicken,
soup is just everything, and like the Palma duro, I
love the pama dura.
Speaker 3 (42:52):
I need to share the tacos. And my friend was
sitting across from me.
Speaker 2 (42:56):
It's like a good friend of mine, and she looks
at me and she goes, yeah, but you're having so
much fun in life right right, I was like I
fell off my chair.
Speaker 3 (43:06):
I was like, who, Like, who is this Gabby you're
referred to? And it's so true. It was like all
of a sudden, it's like child like emerging.
Speaker 2 (43:15):
And I was just like so focused on the ub
Welles's chicken soup and all I wanted and I couldn't.
Speaker 3 (43:21):
There was nothing burdening me.
Speaker 2 (43:23):
And I was having fun and so happy to be
with these friends and just sitting outside in la and
eating beautiful food and just in child like wonder. And
so the answer is I'm getting to freedom, honey.
Speaker 1 (43:36):
Isn't that great? And I'm gonna I'm gonna actually say
to that that over the last like three months, I've
weirdly had at least one hundred people in my life
very close to me, without knowing, without saying, just going,
you feel so light, you look so sparkly, you you
(44:00):
look so happy, you look so like you know, like,
I think, to your point, a little more of that spirit,
a little more of that light, a little more of
that like. And what's interesting, and I think this goes
to what you do is I think we move through
life and we don't know how people are taking us
in right, until they're not taking you in in that
(44:22):
same way and they comment on and when it was
not one person, but I kid you not, it's been
at least one hundred and some know what's going on
in my life, some don't, but they just all made
the same comment. And it was the weirdest awakening for
me because I was like, Wow, that's fucking wild because
(44:45):
who knew that anyone could feel what I was feeling? Right?
Who knew what I was holding? Who knew what I
was carrying?
Speaker 3 (44:53):
You know?
Speaker 1 (44:54):
And they still don't know, by the way, right, But
like at the end of the day, to your point,
I think that freeing behavior of how you move through
even just at dinner talking about the excitement about food,
and I think when you talk about happy people, to
your point, it's people who are genuinely excited by something
(45:17):
so simple.
Speaker 3 (45:19):
Yeah, yes, you know.
Speaker 1 (45:22):
Like yes, my day. How about when how about twenty
people that you've seen in a day and you go,
I'm good, how are you? And they're like I'm good,
and the next thing. But then every once in a
while you get a person that go that says like
I'm great, totally, I'm great, Like it's a beautiful day.
I just had the best breakfast, like oh my god,
my son did this, or like wow. And I have
(45:43):
a friend that actually answers that way sometimes, and it
jolts me because I'm like, shit, she is genuinely living
in gratitude and actually genuinely this fucking happy about like
the five minute dumb things she just did. And I'm
not saying it's dumb, but it it's like a nothing thing.
Speaker 2 (46:01):
Presence, but wow, right, it's presence, and it's, uh, that's
what life's about.
Speaker 3 (46:09):
And I think that most people don't live there.
Speaker 1 (46:12):
Well, I love you for making your life's purpose not
only self actualizing. I hate to use that term, but
I guess getting yourself to your freest place, but actually
making it your life's goal to get everyone to their
freest place, because it's such a beautiful thing. And you know,
(46:32):
it's like in the simplest way, it's like turning that
frown upside down, right.
Speaker 3 (46:38):
And I I it's a very selfish career I have.
Speaker 2 (46:43):
If I wouldn't say that, well, it's selfish because if
I do it right for myself, then I can do
it right for you. And you asked me early on.
You said well, what allowed what made you gabby? And
it was realizing that there was no one else I
was trying to be right, and that I was going
to just keep peeling back of the layers of the
(47:03):
onion of who I authentically am. And so I can
say that it's a selfish career because I'm doing I'm
just having fun doing the work on myself, and then
I can just unapologetically share it with the world.
Speaker 1 (47:20):
Yeah, and actually changing the world and helping a million
people doing it, And now everyone wants to be a
life coach.
Speaker 2 (47:27):
My answer to those folks is good, but go do
the self help, of course, because you.
Speaker 1 (47:32):
Don't want to heal yourself to heal others. Yeah, okay,
so before you go, I'm going to give you like
a handful of questions. Just wrap it around just because
it's what I do. To close, So like two second answers,
morning person or night owl?
Speaker 3 (47:49):
Oh, morning person all the way?
Speaker 1 (47:51):
Okay, favorite season, fall mountains are beach.
Speaker 3 (47:57):
Both.
Speaker 1 (48:00):
This one should be interesting for you. One thing you'd
tell your younger self, It's.
Speaker 3 (48:04):
Gonna be great.
Speaker 1 (48:07):
I like it.
Speaker 3 (48:08):
Mass scara or blush Oh got mess scara all the way? Yeah?
Speaker 1 (48:12):
Same, Well this is interesting. Another job you'd like to try?
Speaker 2 (48:17):
I would be a great CMO, like, yeah, you would,
pot marketing like I would such a good CMO.
Speaker 1 (48:26):
You would? You really would? Okay, I already know the
answer to this.
Speaker 3 (48:30):
But quiet weekend or on the go, you're gonna be surprised.
Speaker 1 (48:35):
On the go, not surprised.
Speaker 3 (48:38):
I would you with it.
Speaker 1 (48:39):
You are a go fucking go girl.
Speaker 3 (48:41):
What am I talking about?
Speaker 1 (48:42):
You are not a suit on your ass kind of verson.
Speaker 3 (48:46):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (48:46):
One piece of advice for raising boys?
Speaker 3 (48:49):
Oh curiosity?
Speaker 1 (48:53):
Okay, where have you not traveled that you would like to?
Speaker 3 (49:00):
Ooh ooh? Japan?
Speaker 1 (49:05):
Interesting? Both of my kids are dying to go to Japan.
They asked me every single day, ask permission or ask
for forgiveness, forgiveness, same color text. See I knew you
were going to say that, because that's you. Of course,
cal biggest pet peeve.
Speaker 3 (49:24):
People being late, hate it not acceptable to me.
Speaker 1 (49:30):
Heels or flats.
Speaker 2 (49:34):
I prefer heels, heels, okay, a smaller heel, A booth.
Speaker 1 (49:40):
Yeah. Well, I'm so excited. I'm so excited for your
next book. Everyone running get it. I'm sure you already
have Gabby's first nine and soon, I mean we'll be
able to get an eleventh, but I think this one
is definitely one for everyone, and I think we all
need it, whether we admit it or not. And it
(50:02):
doesn't matter how much you think you have your shit together,
we all don't. And I think we all should be
on the journey to feel as best as we can
and not everyone's ready for it, but hopefully, hopefully self
help will be the first step in all of it. Gabby,
you are the best. I can't wait to talk to
you more. I can wait to see you more. I
can't wait to drink like some caffeine with you or
(50:24):
a macha, even though I don't drink macha, I like caffeine.
Speaker 3 (50:27):
I'll caffeinate with you.
Speaker 1 (50:29):
Okay, Okay, I love you. Thank you so much to
Gabby for coming on the pod today. I mean, she
is so beyond special. I could have had this be
(50:49):
like a special, like four hour, four part pod series. Honestly,
I love talking to her about every single book she's
written and why every lecture she's given for so many
people she really says is for herself and still on
her healing journey and her ultimately like endless journey to freedom,
(51:13):
and like self freedom It's really incredible because I think
as humans were flawed, and I think it's how much
we want to tap into flaws that might ultimately be
our superpowers or things that are so deeply buried that
(51:34):
they might be holding us back from doing certain things.
This was such a good episode, certainly one of my
favorites that could have kept on going. I want to
thank you so much for listening to Climbing and Heels.
If you haven't already, please subscribe to the show on
Apple Podcasts, Spotify, the iheartat app or wherever you get
your podcasts, so don't miss a single episode this season,
(51:56):
and be sure to follow me on Instagram at at
Rachel Zoe the show at Clembing in Hills pod for
the latest episodes and updates. I will talk to you
stick one
Hi everyone, I'm Rachel Zoe and you're listening to Climbing
in Heels for your weekly Dos, the Flamor Inspiration and
of course Ben. I've been waiting to speak with our
guest today for so long because I have such huge
admiration for her and the beyond incredible work that she
does to help so many people. The wonderful and I'm
(00:29):
going to say prolific author, spiritual teacher, motivational speaker, podcast host,
and more, Gabby Bernstein is on the show today. I'm
sure you've heard of her. Gabby's about to release her tenth,
yes tenth book titled Self Help on December thirty first,
and today she's giving a real look into the very
(00:51):
intense past that shaped and created the woman she is
and the massively successful business that she has built. This
episode is so, so, so packed with motivational takeaways and
positivity and healing techniques, and I hope you love it
as much as I do. Because none of us are perfect.
(01:12):
There's so much to get into, so let's jump right in.
You have had such an extraordinary journey, and sometimes I
touched just a minute on the journey, on the beginning,
but your beginning is so important. It's so paramount to
like who you are and how you chose your journey
(01:32):
and what you want it to be. So I want
to go back and I want to talk about like
where you grew up, how you grew up, because I
think it matters so much.
Speaker 2 (01:41):
Here group in Westchester, and I grew up really spiritual,
so similar to you, Rachel, I'm not religious. It's brought
up Jewish, but i'mally religious.
Speaker 3 (01:51):
Thing.
Speaker 2 (01:52):
I was brought up in a home where spirituality was
very natural conversation. My mother visited as Shroms and my
mother would meditate, and I also was very drawn to
the spirituality of Judaism. So I was very active in
(02:12):
the youth group and I would leave these weekends of
spiritual leadership and I was the president of the regional
youth group.
Speaker 1 (02:20):
And which is amazing, by the way, because I feel
like then, because this was some time ago. I mean,
you're only what puny, but but it was a minute ago.
Speaker 3 (02:30):
I was a minute ago.
Speaker 1 (02:31):
Yeah, this was not like we live in la now
and people do these types of things, or if they
were doing those things, it was like, oh, you're a
hippie from Woodstock and like as shroms and like, it
wasn't something that was I think taken very seriously by
by most people.
Speaker 2 (02:50):
Totally, and it was actually something I was kind of
ashamed of. It was like, sort of, my mom's a
weird hippie, right right, right? Why am I being named
by the gurus? And you know when other kids were
having normally experiences, right, So that spiritual seed was planted
because we learn by experience, and we learn from what
we pick up around us. And so seeing my mother
(03:11):
go into a room totally stressed out and then smelling
the incense anditnessing to the chance coming out of the room,
and then seeing her come out in a different energy.
Speaker 3 (03:19):
Was was what I knew. I was really drawn to that.
Speaker 2 (03:23):
And so as a young teenager, I was struggling with
depression and anxiety, and I asked my mom to teach
me how to meditate, and very quickly I was not
only drawn to the practice, but experienced my own spiritual connection.
And I experienced the physical sensations of being connected to spirit.
(03:44):
And so you know, I know you are familiar with
a lot of mediums, and at the time I didn't
realize that, but that was my own medium shift. It
was my ability to connect to the spiritual realm. So
I'd feel it through my extremities or I'd feel it
just a calmness come over me, and I wouldn't fe alone.
I felt like there was a spiritual presence around me,
(04:04):
and that was very, very soothing to me, and it
really carried me in some of my darkest moments in
my life. And truly, I just kind of turned my
back on that spiritual connection in my late twenties and
in my early twenties, excuse me, into college and into
my early twenties, I just started looking for that outside
of myself and becoming quite addicted to the outside world's
(04:27):
perception of me, and the addicted to relationships, addicted to
being seen, addicted to feeling good enough, and then also
that addiction of work, addiction and trying to prove myself
to the world.
Speaker 3 (04:40):
And this is all in my early twenties twenty one
twenty two, So.
Speaker 1 (04:44):
You already graduated, you already out of college at that point.
Speaker 2 (04:46):
When I was out of college, I went right hardcore
and to let me prove myself to the world, let
me feel seen, because so much of my inner experience
was feelings of inadequacy, and feelings of not being good enough,
feelings of being unsafe, needing to feel in control, to
feel safe, and to feel good enough, and to feel
the world, of course, And and my.
Speaker 3 (05:07):
First job out of school was I've never had I've
never had a job. Actually I've always I had one. Yeah,
like I think I interned for somebody wanted a joke.
Speaker 2 (05:17):
So the the career started right away, right out of collegist.
I've been promoting parties right, so right, very familiar to
early days like going then I closed and say Gabby
at the door, and and I learned really young.
Speaker 1 (05:31):
Hold hold on, I want to rewind for one second.
I want to I want to ask the questions. So,
first of all, you haven't mentioned your dad. Was it
just you and your mom? Were you raised by a
single mom? Or you just different were divorced? So ikay, okay,
because that's important because a very common thread on climbing
and eels since I started it is a lot of
(05:51):
these incredibly successful, powerful women come from a single mother.
Speaker 3 (05:54):
I might as well have.
Speaker 1 (05:55):
Yeah, So well, it's interesting though, because but also as girls,
I mean, I think very often we look at our moms,
especially in adolescent years and go bit you're crazy, Like
I am not listening to you. I'm like, I'm doing
the opposite. What are you doing? You're so wrong? So
(06:19):
first I want to really touch on the fact that
you didn't do that right because you were having like
anxiety and depression and all these things, which is so
important to actually recognize because in those days, I don't
think that teens recognize that. It would always be like
what's wrong with me, I'm so fucked up? Or this
is part of adolescence and like I hate everyone, and
everyone thinks I'm ugly, and everyone thinks I'm bad, and
(06:41):
no boys like me and girls are mean, and like
all the things we go through right for approval because
adolescence is so brutal. And this is obviously before social media.
But what's very interesting to me, having been a teen
girl with like a degenerate boyfriend and the whole thing,
like I'm I'm fast needed by the fact that you
(07:01):
touched on your spirituality and went with it and like
followed what your mom was doing instead of being like
you weirdo, what are you doing? This shit doesn't work?
Speaker 2 (07:10):
I think I was really out of desperation, right, I
didn't I didn't have any other way out. I was
so you know, and I I was brought up homeopathic,
so like going to a sex interesting kind of figuring that.
It was like, more like, what's the remedy, you know,
interesting it was it was It wasn't It wasn't like
they were going to you know, sort of give me
(07:31):
like ADHD, psych or anything.
Speaker 3 (07:33):
Right. It was more like you.
Speaker 1 (07:34):
Were not getting focal in in those days.
Speaker 2 (07:36):
Or after all over and I was, and I was
gifted this meditation practice, but at the time it was
it was only a little bit that could give me
that safety inside. And truly I didn't feel safe. I
didn't feel safe inside, and and I didn't know why
for so many years. And actually so much of it
was revealed to me in my later life, but of it.
Had experienced trauma as a child, I didn't know. I
(07:57):
dissociated from it, and so with that I was very
hyper vigilant.
Speaker 3 (08:01):
I was really afraid.
Speaker 2 (08:02):
And so that people who have adverse childhood experiences do often.
Speaker 3 (08:07):
Wind up with addiction, and that was the case for me.
Speaker 2 (08:09):
So by the time I was in my early twenties
and running, you know, I was running a pr company
that represented night clubs.
Speaker 1 (08:15):
Right of course, Okay, as one would, which is perhaps
the most dangerous job for like a young girl in
Manhattan most like beautiful, like working the door, and guy like,
I mean, it's yeah, it's it's it's a slip race.
Speaker 2 (08:29):
I've honestly, like the amount of the shit that I did,
I don't even know how I'm alive and so but
I think I'm alive because I hit bottom fast.
Speaker 1 (08:36):
Rachel, Yeah, when you were young.
Speaker 3 (08:38):
By the time I was.
Speaker 2 (08:39):
Twenty five, I was just with this severe cocaine addiction
daily happy, and I was still like the salesperson of
my company and a business partner. I was like, I
was still the one bringing in all the business, so
I could show up at noon.
Speaker 3 (08:53):
I could.
Speaker 2 (08:54):
I ran my own business. There was no consequences. But
I had enough spiritual awareness. The stack of self help
books that were next to my bed in my studio apartment,
and I would have these after hours parties with like
drug dealers, just random folks, and I'd be sitting in
my apartment and I'd be looking at those self help
books and I would say to them, I'm going to
(09:14):
be a self help book author and a motivational speaker.
Speaker 3 (09:16):
These people will be like shut the fuck off, like.
Speaker 1 (09:19):
You okay, you're about to die, Like what you talking?
Speaker 3 (09:22):
All right? What are you talking about?
Speaker 2 (09:24):
But I knew, I always knew I had that spiritual
faith inside. I leaned on these books. I would read
them as I was coming down at night. I would
journal feverishly in my journal. And I remember being one
one day, really the days before I got clean and sober.
I remember being in my car across the street from
(09:49):
my apartment doing alternate side the street, parking on thirteenth Street, Village,
beat up white Toyota Corolla, like chugging a gatorade, and
I was listening to this cassette tape and it was
just playing over and over and over.
Speaker 3 (10:02):
I was go rewind. It was a cassette tape.
Speaker 1 (10:05):
Cassette tape. Obviously, you're right by the Waverley by the
way exactly and Mumba exactly.
Speaker 3 (10:11):
So I would hit rewind and play and rewind and
play and rewind and plane.
Speaker 2 (10:14):
I just kept hitting it again and again and again
because I wanted to keep listening to this words. And
what I was listening to was this psychic reading that
I had had six months prior and the psychic's words
were so clear, and she kept saying to me, you're
you're addicted, You're having.
Speaker 3 (10:30):
Prediction problems, and I was like, it's not that bad.
Speaker 2 (10:32):
And then she went on to say, you have two
choices in this lifetime. You can choose to stay on
the path that you're on and it will be very destructive,
where you can choose to get clean and make a
major impact on the world.
Speaker 3 (10:46):
And I just kept.
Speaker 2 (10:46):
Repeating this, rewind, play, rewind play, listening to the cassette tape,
and I got out of my car and I went
back to my apartment and I started to fall asleep.
Speaker 3 (10:55):
That morning, it was like noon.
Speaker 2 (10:57):
At this point, I was just scribbling in my book,
you know, get get clean and live a life beyonder
wildless dreams.
Speaker 3 (11:03):
And and it was days.
Speaker 2 (11:04):
Later that I made that commitment to get clean and
sober and October second, two thousand and five, it was
nineteen years ago.
Speaker 3 (11:11):
Wow, Ohity for you, Yeah, and I for you.
Speaker 2 (11:15):
That was the turning point of my life and the
turning point of my career because obviously, if this is
my new life, I'm not going to be able to
do what I was doing. Yeah, very quickly, brove into
becoming a spiritual teacher.
Speaker 3 (11:28):
I mean, like if you had been in New York at.
Speaker 1 (11:30):
That time, I was, I was. It was the best,
by the way, it was belfing best.
Speaker 3 (11:37):
It was fun. I wish you guys had been in
my early lectures like it was. It was. It was
so cool.
Speaker 2 (11:42):
It was just like all these girls like dressed to
the nines that otherwise would have been in the club,
but now it's Friday night and they're like in a
church listening to me talk about spirituality.
Speaker 1 (11:51):
Huh. And by the way, I will say this, Gabby
to the to that end that I knew many people
that I was very close too at that same exact
time that you were going through this that we're also
going through it and didn't get clean and it ended
very differently, and you know, and it ended very differently.
(12:12):
And even one of them myself recently is in rehab
for like I don't know, twentieth time now. Yeah, like wild. So,
I mean there's a lot of power in that. And
I think I think using that moment to put forth
what you've put forth and helped and saved so many people.
So like, so you had that moment, you had this epiphany.
(12:33):
You had this awakening. Now did you go through like
drug addiction treatment or were you just like, I'm done.
Speaker 2 (12:40):
I got sober in twelve step program. I got myself
and sober. I walked my ass over to the famous,
the famous meeting in the West Villain.
Speaker 1 (12:48):
Yes, I asked, I was so many of people allowed.
Speaker 2 (12:51):
That meeting thirty am every morning. And I did that
for six years in a row. And the thing that
was so cool about that time, and I have such
fond memories of that time. Rachel was I was young
in sobriety in New York City in the early two thousands,
and it was hard, you know what though, it was
(13:12):
so fun. It was so fun for me because there,
because they were young. It was all the people you
party with. Yeah, of course, man, you know there's a
guy who's lines with and they're all in meeting.
Speaker 1 (13:24):
There's that fashion editor, that famous.
Speaker 2 (13:28):
Mashion designer, like everybody there and then and and but
there was this youthful There is in New York City
still a young contingency of sobriety that's been in LA
as well. That's so awesome because when you find your
way into that, it's actually like this extraordinary community that
you get wrapped with.
Speaker 3 (13:49):
It wraps around you.
Speaker 2 (13:51):
And my friends who have stayed sober with me throughout
the two decades now we won, they're extraordinarily successful and
they're fields and two they're just they're just there's it's
just sort of like childlike essence there's because there's so
much recovery and we have such on memories of those times.
Speaker 1 (14:12):
And also, I think I would argue to say that
addiction is something that it well, first of all, you know,
it doesn't discriminate, right, Like, it really doesn't discriminate. I
think we know that. And I think when you're surrounded
by people that are just like you, it's not like,
(14:35):
no way that happens to them. It's like, no, that
happened to me, and it happened to this person that
is really a lot like me. And I think when you.
Speaker 3 (14:44):
Have that.
Speaker 1 (14:47):
Epiphany, it makes you, it makes I think that journey
a little bit I don't want to say easier, but
I think you are your friends, right like fellowship.
Speaker 2 (14:57):
You know, you'll yeah have fellow Step addicts talk about
fellowship is what saves them because you know, when you're
early in sobriety, you may not know what a higher
power is to you. You might not resonate B, but you
have the community, and the community can can save you.
Speaker 3 (15:11):
And in my case it did. And then it.
Speaker 2 (15:14):
Made me really inspired to create community outside of those
rooms where people may not have the privilege of finding
their way into those rooms. Sure, and so that's where
my my spiritual community, getting on stages and just giving
talks with with you know, setting up the chairs in
my heels, talk about being.
Speaker 3 (15:30):
In my heel exactly.
Speaker 2 (15:32):
Setting up I was like renting a room in the
Gay Lesbian Transgenders that's on thirteenth Street, and like legit
like like opening up like chairs by myself or with
my volunteers.
Speaker 1 (15:43):
These these those like metal folding chairs, those like ones
without like pretend cushion lining on it.
Speaker 3 (15:48):
Audience has got big, Rachel.
Speaker 2 (15:49):
It's like three hundred chairs, right, So I'd be like
opening up these chairs and this little jinky platform and
the crappiest sound system and people were coming and I
saw videos from those days. I'll send you a clip
of a video. You could mix it in here. God,
it was so funny, you know. The outfits were just
totally fucked, but like I needed you I.
Speaker 1 (16:07):
Really, honey, you're you're doing fine, like you do it
right now. But here's the thing, so I've often said,
and I don't know if it's a good thing to say.
I say it as a joke, but I kind of
mean it also, but anxiety for me, it's kind of
(16:27):
served a bit as my superpower, a bit as my fire,
a bit as like my I don't I don't know
that I've ever looked at it as a negative thing.
I'm sure it is in some ways, but I also
feel like it has served me because I'm aware of
it and because I've always had it right, Like I'm
prone to it as a kid, and I'm always to
your point, like what if people think I want to
(16:48):
do the best, I want to be the best. I
can't let this person down. And I think even going
into your career, especially as an entrepreneur, as you said earlier,
like I've worked for myself. I had one job my
whole career, and I I have worked for myself since
I was twenty five years old. And while terrifying and
that feeling of like there is no fallback, right because
(17:11):
there's no one who can if I don't show up,
We're fucked right, there's no one. I don't have a partner,
I don't have a like, there is no two of me.
So like if I have one hundred and four fever,
I'm still going to set right. And so whatever that
was and the money I was making, there was no
margin for error. And I think with you, it's like
(17:31):
you have built this career to help and save so
many people who have experienced a range of hundreds to
thousands of different issues. Right, But I do think at
the core it comes from this spirituality and this belief
that you can heal. Right, you can heal in your
mind and your body and all these things. So tell
(17:54):
me about this sort of core of you and sort
of like what makes Gabby Bernstein Gabby Bernstein because like
when you sit, because there's a million like people that
want to be life coaches. They're like, do i't want
to be with my life now? Oh? You know what,
I help people? Or I can talk to people. I
can I'm a life coach.
Speaker 3 (18:11):
Now.
Speaker 1 (18:11):
It's like when people would say to me about styling,
I love clothes. I'm going to be a stylist, bitch,
do you like to work your fucking ass off? And
like miss everything that matters in your life, like you know,
like let me so I want to talk to you
about that because nine now soon to be ten books
and a million talks later in front of thousands of people,
(18:32):
and like you have set the bar now right, So
tell me about how you became. Gaby Bernstein this like
nice Jewish girl from Westchester.
Speaker 3 (18:44):
I think that that the becoming.
Speaker 2 (18:48):
Is actually the undoing right because as I as I
grew in my career, I was growing inside right and.
Speaker 1 (18:59):
The real yourself along the way.
Speaker 2 (19:02):
I've written ten books in fourteen years. I've written everything
in one of those books for myself. First. Every talk
I've given, I've given for myself. Everything I've done, I
have done to heal my own core belief systems and
to reshape my patterns and unburden myself from beliefs and
extreme behaviors that have been protecting me for so many years,
(19:25):
and to release those forms of protection and feel safe
inside of myself and trust myself. And so the commitment
to my inner work and the commitment to my spiritual faith,
but particularly the personal development work, the therapeutic work that
I have courageously gone through and continued to do daily
(19:47):
is how I have become me truly as in sad
the truth if we are our highest self is always there.
Speaker 3 (19:55):
And in my new book self Help, actually.
Speaker 1 (19:58):
Which is so funny that you named it that, Yeah,
that was a little tongue in cheek, I feel it.
Speaker 2 (20:03):
Is because because what it's about is accessing your highest
self as your internal parent, to heal all those younger
parts of yourself that have been so.
Speaker 3 (20:12):
Burned for so long. And so in this instance that
that self, that self energy.
Speaker 2 (20:18):
Maybe you would consider it like flow energy, or maybe
like the Buddha nature or the God within you, or
your confidence and your courage, and like Rachel, when you're
on set and you're just in the flow and you're
just in that place, you're just like time, it's just gone,
and you're just expanding moments that self right when you're
with your boys and you're just in like that child
(20:39):
like wonder, just having fun. That self, when you're in
your energy of connection and compassion and courage and curiosity,
that self and we all have self. And in the
book I talk about how self is like the sun
behind the clouds, and when the clouds, the self is
always there, but the clouds are in the way, and
as the clouds begin to live through the personal development,
(21:02):
through the connection inside, that true self emerges like the
sun and we feel our most authentic.
Speaker 1 (21:11):
What do you do when the clouds are covering too thick?
Speaker 3 (21:14):
I would pick up the book self Help?
Speaker 1 (21:18):
I gather, I know, I'm picking up the book self Help.
Speaker 3 (21:21):
That's damn sure.
Speaker 2 (21:22):
Now I'll tell you exactly what you do. It's a
four step practice in the book, and we can do
it right now. I mean, I think that that's the
simplicity of it. This book is based on a therapy
that changed my life, and then I took that therapy.
It's called IFS Internal Family Systems Therapy, and I made
it a self help tool because it changed my life
so much that I wanted people outside of the therapist's
office to get it. So I made it a tool.
(21:43):
And really, the clouds, what are those clouds who represent?
Those clouds represent the beliefs and the patterns and the
extreme behaviors that we feel stuck in. Right, So you're
familiar with that. Everybody listening familiar and we can check
in with it.
Speaker 3 (22:02):
Right.
Speaker 2 (22:03):
So, typically when we have those beliefs in those patterns
that are so strong and so ingrained in us, like
people pleasing or overworking, or addiction, or you know, running too.
Speaker 1 (22:14):
Much empathy, empathy to the detriment, overriding.
Speaker 3 (22:18):
Ourselves exactly, codependency.
Speaker 2 (22:22):
For me, there's a controlling part that's really run my
life for very long.
Speaker 3 (22:26):
I know, any entrepreneurs, any woman that you have on
this show is and be like, I got a controller.
Speaker 1 (22:30):
I know, perfectionism, control. I mean, there's definitely ten, a
list of ten that we could all pretty much check.
Speaker 2 (22:37):
I think so many, and there's so these parts of
us are Actually if you ask those parts of yourself,
like the controlling part of yourself, or the part of
you that maybe it is the perfectionist Rachel, if you asked,
how long have you been around?
Speaker 3 (22:47):
What would those parts of you say?
Speaker 1 (22:49):
I mean since I was born? I mean I can ever,
I don't know when when.
Speaker 2 (22:55):
Not, when it hasn't been there, we don't even. Of course,
the work in this book is about witnessing those those
parts of us that are so extreme that we often
can shame and blame, and seeing them actually as protection mechanisms,
like coping mechanisms.
Speaker 3 (23:12):
Yeah of course, right, okay, so.
Speaker 1 (23:13):
You can it's like, okay, I'm not going to get
hurt because I can do this, or like that person
can't do that to me because I'm going to use
this power that I have.
Speaker 2 (23:22):
That's exactly right. And so if we've got these protection
mechanisms on high alert all the time, the next question
is who are these protection mechanisms. These will call them
protector parts. Who are they protecting?
Speaker 3 (23:34):
Right?
Speaker 2 (23:35):
And so it's the young little girl that feels like
someone's going to take advantage of her, or the little
girl in my case, the little girl who experienced trauma
who does feel safe, or the little girl lived in
chaos and was just like I need to control everything
in order to not feel like I'm going to die.
And so we live our lives and those are exiled
little little parts of ourselves that experienced trauma or attachment
(23:57):
brief breach, or the feelings of inadequacy, being unlovable or
not good.
Speaker 1 (24:01):
And how much you block those I think as women,
we block them so we can move forward.
Speaker 2 (24:05):
Right, We live in these protector parts, these coping mechanisms
to never have to feel those exiled feelings again. So
what happens we live from trigger to trigger, right, so
somebody doesn't do the thing we want and then we're
like super fucking activated and we're in this new part
or you know, we're being a perfectionist because things don't
feel like they're in control or whatever. However we act
(24:26):
out and so as leaders, as entrepreneurs, as women, these
parts can really take over, and sometimes we can be
so blended with them that we can walk away and
be like, I don't know what came over me, particularly
with our romantic partners. Right, So like, don't talk about,
you know, extreme parts triggering each other.
Speaker 3 (24:45):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (24:46):
So this book is all about helping the coping mechanisms,
helping the protector parts feel more settled. Okay, And so
I'm gonna take you through it because I think you're
ready for this, all right, So you're tracking with me.
Speaker 3 (24:59):
We don't have to do it you in real time,
but you're a listener, can do it.
Speaker 1 (25:02):
Yeah, No, I mean I listen. I think to some extent,
I don't even think to some extent we all need this.
And I do want to say one thing before and
I want to see if you agree with me. I
was at this event Lachma and a really dear friend
of mine, a very successful power couple wife total badass husband,
badass and a sweetheart. And he was telling me how
(25:25):
all the guys in his life are like breaking down. Right,
So he's about forty six forty seven, He's like, all
my friends are just breaking down. He said, I don't
know why. And he said, it's a midlife crisis. It's
whatever he goes. But I feel like that doesn't happen
to you. Guys like meeting women. And I said, I'm
going to tell you something interesting. And I didn't think
about it when I said it, and he said, that
was brilliant. I never thought of it that way, and
(25:45):
you are probably right. And what I said was, here's
the thing. I think women aren't, to some extent always
in a midlife crisis, right, Like I think to some extent,
we come into this world for the most part, obviously
generally speaking, we are insecure and feel not enough and
feel put these things up and like, no one's gonna
(26:06):
love us, no one's going to this, no one's we
have to be the best at this. We have to
prove ourselves our egos or this or that, all the
things right, the insecurities, And I'm like, whereas dudes are
like I got this, Like I'm good, I'm driven by ego,
and I'm like, we've been in this our whole lives.
This is how we function. It is only now that
society is letting us not feel that way, right, Like
it's cool to feel fucking strong and good about yourself
(26:29):
as a woman, Whereas before it was like that bitch
is difficult, right, Like she she speaks too loud, she
speaks too much, or she's like she's too opinionated. Whereas
guys now in their in their mid forties to fifties,
they're like, oh my god, I'm not successful enough. Oh
my god, I'm not like whatever, and I'm like, yeah,
we've dealt without our whole lives. We're just coming out
(26:50):
of that, right.
Speaker 2 (26:51):
Add hormones to all of the okay, add no puberty
and add but then add part of and then and then.
Speaker 3 (27:00):
I'd fucking menopause to that.
Speaker 1 (27:01):
Yeah yourself, men, Yeah exactly. Are a lot of the
people that you speak to and work with young, because
I believe that some of the work that you do
is the most important for adolescents, because I think that
I think that your journey as an adult is so
(27:24):
impacted by those years.
Speaker 2 (27:26):
My most important student is my son, Oliver, who's six.
He has my absolute most valuable student, and he is
my most important to understand, not just because he's mine,
but because he's so malleable right that when I see
Allie get flooded with because he actually can't stand to
(27:48):
be wrong right, So the second he gets a number
wrong or a letter wrong, he loses his shit and
he'll storm off.
Speaker 3 (27:53):
And so instead of saying to.
Speaker 2 (27:55):
Him you're fine, you're fine, or you know you did
just fine, or you're gonna be fine or get over
it or move on it'll be whatever, like let it
go is not a big deal, instead of overriding his experience,
I'll follow the steps first, I'll choose to check it.
I have to give him the choice to check it.
Speaker 3 (28:12):
You know, if you go to your.
Speaker 2 (28:12):
Boys when they're activated talk about it, they'll be like, no,
I'm not ready, you know, to the hand.
Speaker 3 (28:18):
And so I'll have to wait a little bit.
Speaker 2 (28:20):
And so sometimes I'll go to his room and he'll
rustle around, and once I see things moving around in
his room, I can go in a knock and be like,
would you like to check it? So when I get
buy in from him, I know it's and he's only six.
Speaker 1 (28:32):
I want to just remind everyone because this is so important.
Speaker 3 (28:36):
I really there's a two year old. You can do
with a two year old.
Speaker 1 (28:39):
Yeah, but I feel what you're saying, and I think
it's so important for parents to hear this. This is
not stuff that happens when you graduate college and go
on your own. This is stuff that is from day
one that.
Speaker 2 (28:51):
You no If we can help our little people, that's
how we save the world, because all the drama in
our world is just people that activated parts being activated
and debated and activated.
Speaker 3 (29:01):
Yeah, that's what we're living in right now.
Speaker 2 (29:04):
So by helping Ali have that inner resilience, he can't
connect to that self energy. He needs me to be
it for him right now. And if I can be
it for him, then he can learn to access that
for himself. So then I'll just get curious, you know,
like what's.
Speaker 3 (29:19):
Going on, what are you feeling? What do you want
me to know? And then I'll ask what do you need?
Speaker 2 (29:23):
And I'll be like I need a hug, or I
need space or whatever he needs. And then I'll see
and I'll check in a it does he seem a little.
Speaker 3 (29:29):
Bit more calm?
Speaker 2 (29:30):
Does he seem a little connected, does he seem curious,
does he seem like there's a creative energy going And
once I see the shift in him, then I'll then
I'll know we can redirect right. And that's what all
those great great parenting books will say, like connect and
redirect right. Connection has to come first, and that connection
is through the four steps right now?
Speaker 1 (29:49):
Okay, so internal internal family systems? Can you define that? Like,
because that obviously something you're trying to scream about, Like
what actually does that mean? Because we know what are
internals systems are? But what is internal family systems is
that you're saying those are the triggers, and the triggers
nothing to.
Speaker 2 (30:05):
Do with your external family except for the fact that
they may be the triggers that put the feelings there.
Speaker 3 (30:09):
But it's actually an inner family of parts of who
you are.
Speaker 2 (30:13):
So it's like an inn family of little children inside
your self. Energy is the internal parents, the inner leader.
And instead of overriding all these young experiences and patterns
that have been around for so long, the ideas to
befriend them and know them and give them some space
to reveal what they need so that they can relax.
(30:33):
And then when these parts of us relax, more of
that calmness can emerge, more of that clarity can emerge
or can emerge. And so it's this practice of witnessing
what's it's happening inside and then checking in with it
instead of checking out.
Speaker 3 (30:49):
And we live our lives checking out, checking out, checking out.
I got this good?
Speaker 2 (30:54):
Yeah, control over this, or I'm going to eat over this,
or I'm going to drink over this, or I'm going
to work over this.
Speaker 3 (31:00):
I'm gonna numb out with YouTube over this.
Speaker 2 (31:02):
And we're just in these patterns, just just pushing past,
pushing people, pleasing over this, whatever it is, because I
don't want to feel those feelings.
Speaker 3 (31:11):
Instead of having.
Speaker 2 (31:12):
To go to the darkest feelings of our life, which
we can do in therapy, this practice is just about
tending to those protection mechanisms.
Speaker 1 (31:18):
Yeah, it's so important. It's so interesting because it's so
incredibly important because I think, I mean, listen, I'm gonna
use myself as an example, right because I can't speak
to anybody else, but I can say that for me,
it's that constant like I grew up in the most loving,
like non traumatizing childhood, right like I just I say
(31:40):
that very openly because I understand as an adult how
grateful I am for that.
Speaker 3 (31:45):
Right.
Speaker 1 (31:46):
That does not mean that I'm not fucked up in
many ways from Gondos one. But I guess what I'm
saying is that I definitely have lived my adult life
and listen, probably my younger life life, right, but like
with protections with walls, and everybody's like, how do you
do it? How do you go through blah blah blah
(32:06):
blah blah, and they'll list out ten things I'm dealing with, right,
and then like personal shit work stuff like kids at
whatever it is, right, and I'm like, you just do
I just do? What do you mean? Like I just do?
And They're like, but you seem so happy, And I'm like, well,
I am happy, right, Like I am happy, but like,
trust me, i'm internally I am in like it looks
(32:28):
like a twister, you know, it looks like a massive tornado.
And it's like, you know, I've kind of always used
that analogy of like, yes, I am happy, Yes I
am together. I'm not like lying to you guys. But
at the same time, trust me when I tell you
the inside looks so hustly different from the outside. And
(32:48):
I think that's because to your point, it's living in protections,
it's living with walls, it's living with these things that
we block. And I always say I block and tackle,
I block and tackle, and that's just internal and external. Right.
Speaker 2 (33:00):
Wow, even that language, that's so beautiful. I block and tackle. Right,
We're all living our lives block and tackle, blockerly, block
and tackle. Everyone listening is going to be like, yeah,
me too, in their ways, right, your own ways. And
the thing that's really important for me to say, Rachel,
is that these parts of us, while they may be
(33:21):
very extreme, they also have had really good roles in
our life. Right, So controlling part, I'm working really really
hard to help that part of me calm down and
to take on a new role. But listen, she wrote
ten books in fourteen. Yeah, right, your block and tackle
made a movement, and there's an icon in your industry.
Speaker 3 (33:43):
You know what I mean and not.
Speaker 1 (33:45):
But what you're saying is exactly why I think as
women and many men, we know, many incredibly successful men,
they're going to say, well, why am I going to
try and change that? Right? Because it's working. I'll tell
you at what point? Yeah, please? Because I think that's interesting.
Speaker 2 (34:02):
Well, think like, well, I don't want to lose my edge,
right your fire. Actually, what I want to suggest is
that you can just soften your edges. So I'll give
you my own example. Right, So, the controller has done
a lot in nineteen years of her career and in
forty five years of her life, she's done a lot
of good for the world. She has written many books,
(34:25):
she's spoken all over the place, She's done a lot
for the world.
Speaker 3 (34:28):
She's created a child, the whole thing.
Speaker 2 (34:31):
But she's done it in such extreme ways for so
long at my own expense. And so I wouldn't have
that child like joy, right, I would miss the joy
of like tasting my food or like having fun in
the moment and just being present. And so I don't
want that controller to stop doing the great work she's doing,
(34:52):
but I definitely don't want her to run the show
anymore because it's too extreme for me. And so as
I've tended to her with this process of checking in
and checking in, working with her and working with her,
now she's taking on a new role. So she's not
going away. She's not a bad part. She's just emerging
into a more relaxed role.
Speaker 1 (35:11):
Right.
Speaker 2 (35:11):
So instead of being the asshole on the team call
being like do this, do that, she can actually speak
with more clarity now because she's one mom, and she
can say, I'm noticing that things are not working out
the way that I would hope, and I need things
to be a little bit more organized, and so my
expectation is x y Z, and so I'm.
Speaker 3 (35:32):
Looking forward to seeing the results much. So.
Speaker 2 (35:35):
That's a badass, powerful entrepreneur talking to the team saying
it's time for all of us to get in gear.
Speaker 3 (35:42):
But it's not a controlling asshole, right.
Speaker 1 (35:45):
It's that's so interesting. That is so interesting because I
think I want to really I want to touch on
that because I think I think there is this real
like it's like a tug of war. I think in
most successful powerful people like I can't be me unless
(36:05):
I do this right. And I've always said my number
one thing is lead with love, lead with kindness. You
don't have to be an asshole to be successful. You
don't have to like, you don't have to fuck people
over to win it something right like, And I think
that that is a newer concept for I think most
(36:26):
industries like sort of sort of saying I can still
win it this and not be an asshole. I can
still be nice to people. And I think to your point,
there is a real fear of like, wait, I won't
have that same power. I won't have that edge. I
won't they won't listen to me. If I don't.
Speaker 3 (36:44):
Act like this, right, I won't be heard.
Speaker 1 (36:47):
I won't I won't be heard.
Speaker 3 (36:49):
And the thing is, you know, one time I.
Speaker 2 (36:50):
Had my therapist, She's like, I would recommend that maybe
you don't run your business like a ten year old anymore,
and from your ten old and I'm like, every day
you every day, even today, I was like talking about
VP of marketing. I was like, Okay, I recognize there's
a part of me that wants this done tomorrow and
(37:10):
that that could maybe be a little bit aggressive, and
so I'm gonna speak for what I want and what
i need, but I'm also going.
Speaker 3 (37:17):
To give you some space. Right.
Speaker 2 (37:18):
So it's so different than just being blended with that
part of myself and thinking if I don't get it
done the way that I want it, in the time
that I want it, I won't survive.
Speaker 3 (37:26):
Right.
Speaker 2 (37:27):
And that's the miracle of this work is that the
more you check in the more you start to experience
that calmness in that connection, and the more clarity you
have and the more creative energe you have, and this
new part of you starts to emerge. And what that
part of you that's starting to emerge is is a
child like part of you that got pushed.
Speaker 4 (37:50):
Down for so long, the happy child, the happy child
to be by the way, that's to be your next book,
happy child, like you know, I mean.
Speaker 1 (38:01):
You're so prolific at this point. I feel like you
could write one by Monday or something.
Speaker 3 (38:04):
I want another one already. I have another one. I'm
submitting it in January.
Speaker 1 (38:11):
So I do I do want to touch on one
thing you said, because you said my therapist, because I
think many people would say, well, Gabby and going to
her talks and da da da, she is my therapist now, right.
And I also want to say that I'm someone who
until very recently, and I've never said this out loud
other than to my internal people. You know, I've never
(38:33):
been a believer in therapy. Right, yet I have more
people in my life that can't breathe without a therapist.
They're like, oh, I got to think, God, a therapy
can notes like a, it's like, and I think what's
interesting is some of the things you've said is I
think part of it is you. It's the blocking and tackling, right.
You don't want to go to the underneath. You don't
(38:54):
want to necessarily unblock it because you're like, I'm doing great,
I don't need to cover that stuff, right, So I
want to talk about it because one would think sitting
here with Gaby Bernstein and life coaching half the world
at this point through your books and you know, your
talks and all of these things and your pod and
everything else, it's sort of like, Okay, why do you
(39:18):
need a therapist now? So and I know why, but
like I want you to share that concept, right.
Speaker 2 (39:24):
Well, I have a couples therapists, I have a personal therapist.
I have because you know why, Rachel, I want to
feel as absolutely.
Speaker 3 (39:32):
Free as I can.
Speaker 1 (39:35):
So interesting.
Speaker 2 (39:36):
I have been on a pursuit of freedom since the
moment I landed here on this planet, and that freedom
is what I'm here to live inside and what I'm
here to teach, so I will hopefully.
Speaker 3 (39:50):
I mean, my new therapist is like fabulous.
Speaker 2 (39:54):
I love her so much, and I love all my
therapists I've had throughout my life, but this one is
just so amazing.
Speaker 3 (39:59):
That is really like shining the crystal. You know. It's
like I go in and I'm like, what who are
we going to check in with today? You know? And
I do.
Speaker 2 (40:06):
IFS therapy, So that's what I'm drawing to have read
book for it. But it's just had such a profound
impact on my life that I wouldn't do it any differently.
And I think that that what's it's about this book.
Speaker 3 (40:17):
It's called self help.
Speaker 2 (40:18):
It's like for the folks that are like, no, thank you,
it's really for the people that are in the therapy
because it will Hanser therapy, for spiritual students because it
will Hnsterer spiritual practice, And it's for the folks that
are like, I don't really like is this it? Like
it's just happen to feel forever, like is this a
better way? But maybe they don't want to go to therapy, And.
Speaker 3 (40:35):
So this is a gentle path. This isn't asking you
to go unearth your deepest, darkest wounds. It's asking you
just to find a new way of relating to yourself.
Speaker 1 (40:44):
And it's very attainable, like I almost feel like this
is sort of the one oh one for people who
are like it's self help one oh one, And I
think that's probably what you meant by the by the
title a little bit, which is like, you know what,
this doesn't take a whole lot of work. This is
like really just helping you in your every day life
(41:07):
feel the best you can. Or even just if you
feel a little better from doing this throughout the day,
that's what.
Speaker 3 (41:14):
You're trying better.
Speaker 2 (41:15):
Yeah, that's actually my goal for the reader is like,
have these moments follow the four steps, even once a day.
But the more often you do it, more more more
free feel. But they have to do it once a day,
you get a glimmer of that self energy so calm,
that connection. And it's just really about adding up those moments,
those glimmers, because once you have a little taste of
(41:35):
it and you're like, ooh, I just said that four
steps and I actually feel a lot more calm right now.
Or I just said I just had such an anxiety attack,
but I use Gabby these four steps and whoo, the
anxiety is lifting.
Speaker 1 (41:47):
It's like a break. It's okay, it's it's a break.
Speaker 3 (41:50):
And once you have a taste of that, you want
more of it? I mean to ask you a question
in you.
Speaker 1 (41:59):
I want to ask a question because I could obviously
talk to you for fifteen hours, but I do have
to let you go. You said that you've been on
a journey for freedom, internal freedom and external. I imagine
since you came onto this earth, right, how do you
feel today at forty five with ten bucks soon to
(42:21):
be eleven? God knows the next time I freaking speak
to you, helping get jillions of people, and you know,
having been through what you've been through, how do you
feel on your journey to freedom?
Speaker 3 (42:34):
Like?
Speaker 1 (42:34):
How do you feel today?
Speaker 3 (42:36):
I'm going to answer with a story.
Speaker 2 (42:37):
So I was a he a few weeks ago and
I was at dinner and I'm I'm looking at the
menu and You're gonna laugh when I talk about this,
but I was like, I was like, the well is chicken,
soup is just everything, and like the Palma duro, I
love the pama dura.
Speaker 3 (42:52):
I need to share the tacos. And my friend was
sitting across from me.
Speaker 2 (42:56):
It's like a good friend of mine, and she looks
at me and she goes, yeah, but you're having so
much fun in life right right, I was like I
fell off my chair.
Speaker 3 (43:06):
I was like, who, Like, who is this Gabby you're
referred to? And it's so true. It was like all
of a sudden, it's like child like emerging.
Speaker 2 (43:15):
And I was just like so focused on the ub
Welles's chicken soup and all I wanted and I couldn't.
Speaker 3 (43:21):
There was nothing burdening me.
Speaker 2 (43:23):
And I was having fun and so happy to be
with these friends and just sitting outside in la and
eating beautiful food and just in child like wonder. And
so the answer is I'm getting to freedom, honey.
Speaker 1 (43:36):
Isn't that great? And I'm gonna I'm gonna actually say
to that that over the last like three months, I've
weirdly had at least one hundred people in my life
very close to me, without knowing, without saying, just going,
you feel so light, you look so sparkly, you you
(44:00):
look so happy, you look so like you know, like,
I think, to your point, a little more of that spirit,
a little more of that light, a little more of
that like. And what's interesting, and I think this goes
to what you do is I think we move through
life and we don't know how people are taking us
in right, until they're not taking you in in that
(44:22):
same way and they comment on and when it was
not one person, but I kid you not, it's been
at least one hundred and some know what's going on
in my life, some don't, but they just all made
the same comment. And it was the weirdest awakening for
me because I was like, Wow, that's fucking wild because
(44:45):
who knew that anyone could feel what I was feeling? Right?
Who knew what I was holding? Who knew what I
was carrying?
Speaker 3 (44:53):
You know?
Speaker 1 (44:54):
And they still don't know, by the way, right, But
like at the end of the day, to your point,
I think that freeing behavior of how you move through
even just at dinner talking about the excitement about food,
and I think when you talk about happy people, to
your point, it's people who are genuinely excited by something
(45:17):
so simple.
Speaker 3 (45:19):
Yeah, yes, you know.
Speaker 1 (45:22):
Like yes, my day. How about when how about twenty
people that you've seen in a day and you go,
I'm good, how are you? And they're like I'm good,
and the next thing. But then every once in a
while you get a person that go that says like
I'm great, totally, I'm great, Like it's a beautiful day.
I just had the best breakfast, like oh my god,
my son did this, or like wow. And I have
(45:43):
a friend that actually answers that way sometimes, and it
jolts me because I'm like, shit, she is genuinely living
in gratitude and actually genuinely this fucking happy about like
the five minute dumb things she just did. And I'm
not saying it's dumb, but it it's like a nothing thing.
Speaker 2 (46:01):
Presence, but wow, right, it's presence, and it's, uh, that's
what life's about.
Speaker 3 (46:09):
And I think that most people don't live there.
Speaker 1 (46:12):
Well, I love you for making your life's purpose not
only self actualizing. I hate to use that term, but
I guess getting yourself to your freest place, but actually
making it your life's goal to get everyone to their
freest place, because it's such a beautiful thing. And you know,
(46:32):
it's like in the simplest way, it's like turning that
frown upside down, right.
Speaker 3 (46:38):
And I I it's a very selfish career I have.
Speaker 2 (46:43):
If I wouldn't say that, well, it's selfish because if
I do it right for myself, then I can do
it right for you. And you asked me early on.
You said well, what allowed what made you gabby? And
it was realizing that there was no one else I
was trying to be right, and that I was going
to just keep peeling back of the layers of the
(47:03):
onion of who I authentically am. And so I can
say that it's a selfish career because I'm doing I'm
just having fun doing the work on myself, and then
I can just unapologetically share it with the world.
Speaker 1 (47:20):
Yeah, and actually changing the world and helping a million
people doing it, And now everyone wants to be a
life coach.
Speaker 2 (47:27):
My answer to those folks is good, but go do
the self help, of course, because you.
Speaker 1 (47:32):
Don't want to heal yourself to heal others. Yeah, okay,
so before you go, I'm going to give you like
a handful of questions. Just wrap it around just because
it's what I do. To close, So like two second answers,
morning person or night owl?
Speaker 3 (47:49):
Oh, morning person all the way?
Speaker 1 (47:51):
Okay, favorite season, fall mountains are beach.
Speaker 3 (47:57):
Both.
Speaker 1 (48:00):
This one should be interesting for you. One thing you'd
tell your younger self, It's.
Speaker 3 (48:04):
Gonna be great.
Speaker 1 (48:07):
I like it.
Speaker 3 (48:08):
Mass scara or blush Oh got mess scara all the way? Yeah?
Speaker 1 (48:12):
Same, Well this is interesting. Another job you'd like to try?
Speaker 2 (48:17):
I would be a great CMO, like, yeah, you would,
pot marketing like I would such a good CMO.
Speaker 1 (48:26):
You would? You really would? Okay, I already know the
answer to this.
Speaker 3 (48:30):
But quiet weekend or on the go, you're gonna be surprised.
Speaker 1 (48:35):
On the go, not surprised.
Speaker 3 (48:38):
I would you with it.
Speaker 1 (48:39):
You are a go fucking go girl.
Speaker 3 (48:41):
What am I talking about?
Speaker 1 (48:42):
You are not a suit on your ass kind of verson.
Speaker 3 (48:46):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (48:46):
One piece of advice for raising boys?
Speaker 3 (48:49):
Oh curiosity?
Speaker 1 (48:53):
Okay, where have you not traveled that you would like to?
Speaker 3 (49:00):
Ooh ooh? Japan?
Speaker 1 (49:05):
Interesting? Both of my kids are dying to go to Japan.
They asked me every single day, ask permission or ask
for forgiveness, forgiveness, same color text. See I knew you
were going to say that, because that's you. Of course,
cal biggest pet peeve.
Speaker 3 (49:24):
People being late, hate it not acceptable to me.
Speaker 1 (49:30):
Heels or flats.
Speaker 2 (49:34):
I prefer heels, heels, okay, a smaller heel, A booth.
Speaker 1 (49:40):
Yeah. Well, I'm so excited. I'm so excited for your
next book. Everyone running get it. I'm sure you already
have Gabby's first nine and soon, I mean we'll be
able to get an eleventh, but I think this one
is definitely one for everyone, and I think we all
need it, whether we admit it or not. And it
(50:02):
doesn't matter how much you think you have your shit together,
we all don't. And I think we all should be
on the journey to feel as best as we can
and not everyone's ready for it, but hopefully, hopefully self
help will be the first step in all of it. Gabby,
you are the best. I can't wait to talk to
you more. I can wait to see you more. I
can't wait to drink like some caffeine with you or
(50:24):
a macha, even though I don't drink macha, I like caffeine.
Speaker 3 (50:27):
I'll caffeinate with you.
Speaker 1 (50:29):
Okay, Okay, I love you. Thank you so much to
Gabby for coming on the pod today. I mean, she
is so beyond special. I could have had this be
(50:49):
like a special, like four hour, four part pod series. Honestly,
I love talking to her about every single book she's
written and why every lecture she's given for so many
people she really says is for herself and still on
her healing journey and her ultimately like endless journey to freedom,
(51:13):
and like self freedom It's really incredible because I think
as humans were flawed, and I think it's how much
we want to tap into flaws that might ultimately be
our superpowers or things that are so deeply buried that
(51:34):
they might be holding us back from doing certain things.
This was such a good episode, certainly one of my
favorites that could have kept on going. I want to
thank you so much for listening to Climbing and Heels.
If you haven't already, please subscribe to the show on
Apple Podcasts, Spotify, the iheartat app or wherever you get
your podcasts, so don't miss a single episode this season,
(51:56):
and be sure to follow me on Instagram at at
Rachel Zoe the show at Clembing in Hills pod for
the latest episodes and updates. I will talk to you
stick one
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