CZM Book Club: Cool Zone 2055: Massacred by Demon Ents

Margaret from the future relays a fateful battle in the forests of Catalonia.

See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:01):
Cool Zone Media, Dinah Wars, Dinah Wars, Dinah Wars. Hello
and welcome to the Cool Zoned Media book Club, the
only book club where you don't have to do the
reading because I do it for you. I'm your host,
Margaret Kiljoy. And as you've probably noticed, over the past
couple months on book Club, we've been doing podcasts from

(00:24):
the future, specifically from the Dinah Wars of the twenty
fifties and without additional ADO? Would you hate those words
that you only ever use in one way, like, no
one ever talks about ado unless it's much ado or
additional AD. That's the only a do that's available now. Whatever, Anyway,

(00:46):
here's the podcast we received from the future. Hello, it's
Cool Zone twenty fifty five How to Survive the Dinah Wars,
and we are still hearing from Mixed bunny Face Murder
about their experiences behind the Iron Curtain in Iberia. If
you would like to be part of breaking that iron

(01:08):
curtain and rescuing the Narcosyndicus territory of Catalonia, you can
become part of the solution by contacting this show's most
generous sponsor, Dino Cadence. That's right, the dinosaur dance troupe
that pivoted is becoming the most popular dino writing trainers
in the world because all of us, whatever we do

(01:28):
for a living, can pivot into the fight against fascism.
Admission is free, but spots are limited. So contact Dino
Cadence today and here is mixed bunny face murder. People
always say the next day dawned bright and early, as
if the dawn didn't always involve brightness, and as if

(01:50):
we don't define early by when the sun comes up.
It bothers me lazy writing. Life is too short for
lazy writing, especially my life, which seems like it's going
to be way shorter than I had initially hoped. The
battle had been exciting, the funeral had been fascinating, the
sects had been spellbinding. But when the sun crept over

(02:12):
the mountains of Catalonia, I felt spectacularly terrifyingly alone. I
left Octavia's tent and began to wander around the Dreadnought camp.
Only the dinos, the dino minders, and the night Watch
were awake, and they were all busy. What thoughts lie
inside those big, strange dino brains? A shipment of hay

(02:35):
came first thing in the morning, pulled by a dinosaur. Look.
I can't tell all the bronto looking species apart, okay,
but it was a bronto looking one, and that dinosaur
was pulling a wagon the size of a barn, and
the beasts began to eat. Most of the time I
can lose myself in the work. I would have asked
details of the minders about the economics of feeding such

(02:57):
massive herbivores in war, especially war of mass casualty. Feeding
the omnivores and the carnivores is kind of easy. But
I couldn't focus on my work. The high of the
battle was long past, and I was just scared. It
threatened to overwhelm me. And a few times it did,
coming in waves like a panic attack, like I'd been

(03:19):
taught in elementary school. I fell back on the litany
against fear. I let the fear come over me and
through me, and I turned my eye to see where
it had gone. But that morning the fear kept coming,
so I fell back on the other trick I know, journaling.
I have lived as good of a life as anyone

(03:40):
has been able to live in this war ravaged climate,
ravage century, this century that has proven the center cannot hold,
this century that has brought out the worst and the
best in humanity. I'm alive for now, Let's be honest.
By the time you hear this, I will probably be
dead and live to see the great worldwide Revolution. You

(04:03):
can't see this since it's an audio medium, but there
are capital letters starting those words worldwide and revolution, and
I mean them somewhere between earnestly and ironically, like anyone
means anything these days. The worldwide revolution is the big
grand thing We've been fighting for forever, and more formally,
since the eighteen forties or so. Wherever empire and colonialism

(04:26):
has spread out of Europe, a little seed, a little
antibody has gone with it, whispered words and pamphlets and
shouted words in labor union halls. Whatever the empire marches,
so does the counter empire. So does the hope for decolonization,
for internationalism, for all of us to join siblings of
the world, to share the bounty of the earth. I'm

(04:48):
feeling Maudlin. If I'm being honest. I'm usually a bit
more cynical, a bit more detached, But revolution is earnest.
You have to say, we should each give according to ability,
to each according to day need, and then mean it
so completely that you can jump off the neck of
a DREADNAUGHTUS six gun blazing, machete clenched beneath your teeth.

(05:11):
You've got to earnestly watch those old movies like that
damn Lord of the Rings everyone here keeps talking about,
and think to yourself, Yeah, a red day, a sword day.
You've got to think to yourself, death, death, death. It's
fucked up, really, because the whole fucking point is we're
trying to destroy the death machine, and we're doing it

(05:33):
so fucking violently. I'd say the pacifists have a point,
but I'm not sure that they do. I spent three
weeks in Frederick, Maryland, tending to the survivors of the
Humboldon massacre of forty nine. If fascism is not stopped,
it will murder all of us. I think over and

(05:53):
over again about the American Civil War. I have ancestors
who fought for the North, both white ancestors and black ancestors.
I have white ancestors who fought for the South, who
killed people to defend the most evil institution in the
history of the world. Western chattel slavery. Family lore says
we've got a maroon in our blood too, who led
gorilla raids from the great Dismal Swamp. I don't know

(06:16):
if that's true. I like to believe it. For centuries,
people had tried in more subtle waste end slavery, outbursts
of violence and outbursts of legislative activity. Lots of people
put a lot of work into changing hearts and mind
and culture. Ten or twelve million people lived in slavery,
all told in the history of that terrible country, and

(06:38):
what it took to free them was nearly three quarters
of a million dead bodies. I wish some sins did
not need to be washed away in blood. Two of
my ancestors at least fought in World War Two as well.
They couldn't have hung out with each other, because even
in World War II, the American units were segregated. The
white man, my great great grandfather's, died somewhere in France.

(07:02):
The black man, a different great great something or other
survived and was forever transformed. Together, those two destroyed fascism
as a political force for nearly one hundred years. Fifty
to eighty five million people died in that war, all
of which is nothing, fucking nothing compared to World War three,

(07:26):
and it's billion dead. We don't have an accurate count
on World War three point five, not yet. Maybe you
out there listening from behind the Iron curtain, maybe you do.
I've seen claims of fifteen million, and I've seen claims
of a billion. But we are not done yet, and
I don't like it. The thing that I hold on to, though,

(07:48):
the one thing that the Fanato Nihilists have right, is
that none of us were going to get out of
this live anyway. Being alive is a death sentence. All
we can do is try to live well and die well.
There are two good deaths. Someone told me around the
fire last night. You can die fighting for a better world,
or you can die in bed. In that better world,

(08:09):
we're guaranteed a death. The Dreadnoughts want to die fighting.
I want to die in bed. I sort of wish
I didn't, because frankly, I probably won't. If I'm lucky,
I'll die violently and fast. If I'm not lucky, I'll
die violently and slow, or I'll be captured. And the

(08:30):
Iberian Phalanx does terrible things to their prisoners. Maybe I'll
hit up the armorer for one of those cyanide capsules.
Just knowing my luck, I'd keep it in my gums
during battle and bite it by accident. When people glorify war,
they rarely talk about all the people who die by accident,

(08:50):
who die in helicopter crashes, who are gunned down by
friendly fire. Imagine being the poor son of a bit
who shot De Rudy in the First Spanish Civil War.
But you know what else is inevitable besides death advertising.
This podcast is brought to you by Demon Dan's Danger Depot,

(09:12):
your one stop shop for everything that burns, blasts or bashes.
We've got hammers, we've got hooks, we've got bombs, and
we've got bullets. On a budget, we've got Ireland's largest
collection of spiked bats. Feeling lucky, check out our discount dynamite.
When you're thinking destruction, you're thinking Demon Dan's Danger Depot.

(09:33):
We offer a twenty five percent discount to all first
time buyers, and if you bring us the head of
a fascist, we'll throw in a free fifty round drum
magazine for your favorite gun. While independent auditing has proven
that demon dance danger depots committed anti fascism and does
not deal arms to both sides of this conflict. The
same audit revealed a quote shocking disregard for the sanctity
of human life. Employees and owners have made statements suggesting

(09:56):
a medium level of bloodlust, and their discount Dynamite in
particular has garnered a rep mutation for unreliability. Customer discretion
is advised. This podcast is brought to you by the
Council for the Plant Sitting of house Plants. Are you
stuck at home doom scrolling or doom listening, worried about
the girls and boys and the they them's at the front?
Does your contribution to the global war against fascism involve

(10:18):
you safish behind walls? Then consider adopting a house plant today.
When our brave friends come home for the war, there
are a few things they'll need, like veterans, assistants and
lifelong therapy, sure, but also like their houseplants. Contact the
Council for the Plant Sitting of house Plants today and

(10:55):
we're back. I didn't get a chance to wallow too long,
because eventually the Dreadnought camp began to rise, hangovers and
bangovers were visible on most faces, but overall morale seemed high.
The great thing and sometimes terrible thing about morale is
that it is infectious. Octavia found me, slapped me on

(11:16):
the butt, and said, another beautiful day in the Core.
Every meal is a banquet, every paycheck of fortune. I
love the Core. I was fucking a movie nerd, a
doomed movie nerd with a death wish and an ancient
air fifteen and cheap pirate style cutlass, both of which
had spilled blood the day before, which is actually kind
of cool. She was wrong about the meal being a banquet,

(11:39):
though it was musely just dry, musely the human food
equivalent of the hay that the dinos were eating. Listen
up in older Dreadnought shouted in Cotilan, and then in
heavily accented English for the international fighters. He wore colorful
late Renaissance brigandine armor with a Napoleon hat on his head.

(12:00):
I'd assumed the hat just sort of a joke, but
actually it indicated some kind of rank. We've got word
from the pterodactyl scouts that what's left of the enemy
is hold up licking their wounds in the woods about
three clicks north of here. We can't abandon this position completely,
so most of the main camp is going to stay put.
But you'd better believe we volunteered the Dreadnoughts to go

(12:20):
wipe them out finish up the job. The whole camp
broke into a roar. Then the Napoleon guy raised his
fist and everyone was immediately silent. Normally this is the
kind of raid better done at night, but they're wounded
and they're on their back foot. Finish your food, kiss
your loved ones, and suit up. A couple unit of
fag Hags are coming with us. I guess to see

(12:41):
how it's done, and as soon as they're here, we're
heading out. The whole camp was awash with joy and cheering.
People started singing annoying ren fair style singing body songs
and shit swords held in the air above their heads.
I caught songs sung in Arabic, Kurdish, Catalan, English, Italian,
and German. The Dreadnoughts are somehow maybe the purest distillation

(13:06):
of internationalism. Most people stay in units united by language.
The Dreadnoughts are united by their commitment to a short
life span. Rationally, I knew that going into battle with
them was a bad IDEA reckless lack of self preservation
is their defining characteristic. But sometimes when all your friends
are jumping off a bridge, you think to yourself, I'd

(13:28):
rather die jumping off this bridge than live my life
questioning my own bravery. I don't know if that's what
you should think, but sometimes you think that it's normally
a fine thing to think, because normally you're surrounded by
friends who only jump off bridges that they assume are
safe to jump off of. But it was better not
to think too much on that and look spoiler alert,

(13:50):
I wrote this whole script, so I'm clearly still alive
to write I don't die in the fighting. Everyone else,
though the thag Hags arrived. It was the Eldian wall,
the click that spoke Elvish amongst itself. I was disappointed
to not have more friends with me, But you don't
go into battle to make friends who do it to

(14:10):
write podcast episodes. What a fucking weird job I have.
I caught a ride on a dreadnaughtus alongside the rest
of the Dreadnoughts. Octavia said she wasn't going to ride
with me because she wasn't there to keep me safe.
She was there to kill Nazis and probably die. This
did not comfort me. They travel on those platforms built

(14:32):
onto the backs of those giant beasts, and it felt
more like sailing through a storm than riding a horse.
You don't disguise the stampede of the largest creatures to
ever walk the earth, So our only hope for surprise
was speed. Dreadnaughtus and Stegosauruses aren't the fastest creatures. But
we made a decent clip over the hills and into

(14:52):
the forest beyond. We thought we had the enemy outnumbered
and out maneuvered. Turns out it was an ambush. We
made it deep into the trees, all the way to
the little Nazi camp before we met resistance. I was
near the rear of the dino parade, so I didn't
get a great look at the camp. Seemed to be

(15:12):
about one hundred tenths with some makeshift palisades and two
machine gun nests. The nests opened up right away, but
RPGs from the dreadnoughts silenced them quick Then the enemy
encircled us. This wasn't the remnants of the force we'd
taken on the day before. This was something new, not
just fresh reinforcements, but something new and something horrible, some

(15:37):
nightmares concocted in a Nazi lap. First came the screamers,
of course, but behind them wasn't a line of zombies.
Behind them were monsters, things made of flesh and vine,
some unholy union of squid, giant and tree. Each face

(15:58):
at the top of the strange trunk was made from
a dozen or more people, all of them suffering, all
of them screaming, all of them united in rage. These
hell beasts, demon ents. I feel like I'm responsible for
naming these things, but I don't. I don't know where
to begin. Walk towards us on trunk and leg in tentacle.

(16:20):
Someone on my platform opened fire with a belt fed gun,
and bark and blood poured out of the creature near us,
but it kept lumbering and stumbling towards us. A cheer
a shout broke out across the Dreadnought ranks. A collective
death rattle, war horns blew, and Dreadnoughts jumped to the
earth with axe and gun to do battle with the

(16:43):
nightmare in the distance. I saw Octavia with her cutlass
climbing one of the creatures. I don't know what happened
to her. I likely never will. A massive tentacle lashed
out and struck the platform I was on, and it
tumbled to the ground, right into the sweet sweet deals
of our sponsors. Are you tired of all the doom

(17:08):
and gloom in the news, wishing you could just turn
your head away from what's happening and get back to
brunch with your friends. Well, this podcast is brought to
you by Too Fucking Bad. The world is full of
terror and horror right now, but it's also full of
rampant beauty, and you can't stick your head in the sand. Sure,
you can absolutely rely on escapism to pull you out

(17:28):
of the cycle of stress, but if you're avoiding paying
attention to the news, stop pay attention to the news.
There is a worldwide struggle against fascism and climate change,
and it really, truly will take all of us. This
podcast is sponsored by the Council for Understanding that Self
Care is a collective process. Who would like to remind
you that it's okay to take care of yourself so

(17:50):
long as you don't ignore what's happening, and so long
as you don't completely withdraw, but instead imagine yourself as
part of a holistic process of resistance, and we're back.

(18:22):
I hit the ground, and that ten weeks of training
at Dino Cadence really paid off, because I knew how
to land rough, hitting the ground in a roll to
absorb some of the impact. No permanent or even lingering damage.
But the fall was not the end of my danger.
As soon as I regained my feet, the sever limb
of somebody hit me in the chest and bowled me

(18:43):
back over. I stood up again and I saw the fight.
Zombies were coming out of the woods, walking between the
legs of the nightmare trees. I swear, if I live
long enough, I'll name them properly. It was almost a
relief to see the enemy's mooks, because then I had
something I could fight. I had my mossberg and several
gun belts full of shells, and I spent the next

(19:05):
confused minute shooting dead people in the face to make
them stop trying to kill me, reloading into the two
barrel every spare moment I had above me, n RPG
hit a Cthulhu tree beard. No, that isn't it either
and snapped it in half. The upper half fell to
the earth lifeless. The lower half, of legs and tentacles
kept thrashing, now mindless, taking out Dreadnaughts and zombies alike.

(19:29):
A Dreadnaughtus reared up on its back legs and then
stomped what was left of the death Tree into splinter
and bone. The dinosaur roared. I've never heard a Dreadnaughtus
roar before, but I suspect that people back at the
main camp so many clicks away could hear it too.
I don't know that I've ever heard anything so loud

(19:50):
or so beautiful. But the nightmares kept marching out of
the trees, and one by one, and ten by ten,
the fighters around me got their wish to die in
the fight against fascism. We were clearly not equipped for
the fight in front of us. Then the shining conquistadors
strode out from the dark forest, lances and rifles of

(20:10):
gleaming like angels of death, come to summon us up
to a fascist heaven. I hate to give them credit,
but look, no one has ever accused fascists of failing
from a fashion point of view, well except the US
Christian nationalists of the mid twenty twenties, before they settled
into an unfortunately coherent and effective cowboy vibe. I shot

(20:31):
one of those shiny fucks right in the chest with buckshot,
but their breastplates were modern steel and he scarcely noticed.
So I shot him in the face, and he scarcely noticed,
but this time it was because he was dead. Then
someone shot me in the arm, and someone else ran
a lance into my leg, and I remember thinking, wow,
I feel like this should hurt more than it does,

(20:52):
and noticing I no longer had a shotgun, and then
I was thinking, I guess I'm gonna die. But instead
of dying, someone with a handgun shot both of my antagonists.
The battle was lost. That much was clear. Dreadnoughts don't run,
but they are willing to stubbornly retreat, each arguing with
the other over who would have the honor of staying
to the bitter end. Thag Hags though they are brave enough,

(21:17):
but they're not foolhardy. I saw Stegosaurus and limped towards it.
While dinosaurs and trees fought a terrible war, while medieval
knights fought called quistadors, both sides, armed with blade and rifle.
Somehow I wound up with a handgun in my uninjured hand.
I probably picked it up off a corpse. I made
two more people into corpses, then made it to the stegosaurus. Slowly.

(21:41):
A handful of us made it out of the woods.
No shared language between us, besides the language of grief
and anger and anguish. The cavalry was not coming to
save us, and I limped for kilometers across the hills,
while behind us dreadnoughts held back those who would have
hunted us down and killed me. Out of the six

(22:04):
hundred dreadnaughts he went into those woods, forty four came
back out. Octavia was not among them. I hope somewhere
she's happy, or at least resting in death. I hope
I never see her among the faces embedded into bark
and bone. I hope I never see her screaming in

(22:24):
eternal pain. I hope I see her when I die instead,
and whatever happens next, and whatever dreams may come. I suspect,
though soon enough, I'll know what dreams come, because, dear listener,
I don't think I'm going to make it out of
the iron curtain, not unless you mobilize and break the

(22:46):
fascist lines. But I suspect, dear listener, that wherever you are,
you're dealing with fascists of your own. My only hope,
our only hope, is that we crush them beneath the
feet of giant lizards, that we smash them, that we
break them, that with our life and with our death,

(23:07):
we can destroy the death machine that threatens to envelop
the world. And that's been uplifting a little bit from
Mixed bunny Face Murder. You've been listening to Cool Zone
twenty fifty five how to Survive the Dino Wars, and
we promise there will be more uplifting the parts of

(23:30):
this too. It's just I really feel like we owe
it to Mix Bunny Face Murder to read their whole statement.
You know, they put a lot of work into getting
this out, and there's a lot we can learn from it,
even though again I would like to remind everyone that
most people do survive any given war. It's just rough.
Fascism is rough, and we got to fight it. But

(23:54):
if you want to support me, you could, uh bois
I remember thirty years yars ago in twenty twenty five
when I put out a book called The Immortal Choir
Holds Every Voice. What a good time that was, What
a good book it was, if I recall correctly, it
kickstarted in March twenty twenty five, and I believe that

(24:14):
there was audio editions of all of the books in
the Danielle Kaine series as part of that kickstarter, which
was pretty cool. That was pretty cool that that happen
back then in twenty twenty five. Anyway, So join us
next week for more adventures from the Dino Wars. It
Could Happen Here as a production of cool Zone Media.
For more podcasts from cool Zone Media, visit our website

(24:36):
coolzonemedia dot com or check us out on the Iheardradio app,
Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to podcasts. You can
find sources for It Could Happen Here, updated monthly at
coolzonemedia dot com slash sources. Thanks for listening