August 16, 2024 • 58 mins
SERIES 3 EPISODE 10: COUNTDOWN WITH KEITH OLBERMANN
A-Block (1:44) SPECIAL COMMENT: First he held a news conference where the reporters didn't have microphones. Then he held a news conference where the reporters basically didn't get to ask questions. What's next? A Trump News Conference without Trump? Sounds like a good idea.
Incredibly, CNN ran the whole nonsensical non-news conference rant live. As somebody who was hired by CNN as its first year ended in 1981 I have a secret for them – the acronym stands for “Cable NEWS Network.” You’re no longer news. Cut to a test pattern, fire everybody, and start from scratch.
Which also applies to Trump’s running mate. I’m beginning to think J.D. Vance is actually a Democratic plant. New Kensington, Pennsylvania. At VFW Post 92. That’s Veterans of Foreign Wars, the post number is 92, and there is still the Sarah Palin rule. Vance called it "VFA," forgot the number, had to fish into his pocket for a card that had the number written on it, and forgot the Palin rule (if you're an idiot running for Vice President, and you have to remember something, just write it on your hand).
There are more polls and Kamalapalooza continues. She's pulled off a nine-point swing in Pennsylvania and a ten-point swing nationally. So naturally Politico led with 28 paragraphs on Vivek Ramaswamy insisting Trump was listening to his advice to focus on the issues and not attack her. This is while the Republican campaign is imploding so quickly that now Frank Luntz is wondering if Trump is trying to lose.
And as the Trump campaign continues to try to insist it has nothing to do with Project 2025, Media Matters uncovers the implausible. There's a Project 2025 training video starring Karoline Leavitt, who is now Trump's Campaign spokesperson. As the video ends she tells Project 2025 trainees that if they need any help to just contact her.
B-Block (23:57) THE WORST PERSONS IN THE WORLD: The Republican House Candidate accused, as a cop, of handcuffing an infant. RFK Junior hires somebody to program political ads to you based on data on your phone. And baseball's new low: the Mets' ceremonial first pitch was thrown out by the Hawk Tuah woman. I presume she threw a spitball.
C-Block (33:10) FRIDAYS WITH THURBER: It's got everything: Suspense, Baseball, Red Barber, a story that was turned into a movie with Peter Sellers. It's "The Catbird Set."
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:04):
Countdown with Keith Olderman is a production of iHeartRadio. Last
week he held a quote news conference but made sure
(00:25):
reporters couldn't have microphones, and then yesterday he improved on that.
He held another quote news conference, but made sure reporters
couldn't have any questions asked.
Speaker 2 (00:37):
God has something to do with it. It's a miracle,
and God had something to do with it, And maybe
it's we want to save the world. This world is
going down. This world is going down. So as you know,
the Supreme Court world recently on immunity and I'm immune
from all of this stuff that they charged me with.
Speaker 1 (00:57):
You added more people to your campaign today. Is that
a sign of a shifting strategy. No.
Speaker 2 (01:01):
I think it's a sign of we want to close
it out. We had great people. Susie as fantastic as
you know, and Chris is fantastic. They're leading it. Corey
Lewandowski's coming in. He'll be, you know, a personal envoy
or he'll be at some level.
Speaker 1 (01:18):
Corey Lewandowski personal envoy, personal envoy to Christy nome am
I right.
Speaker 2 (01:23):
She certainly attacks me personally. She actually called me weird.
He's weird. It was just a SoundBite and she called
jayd and I weird. He's not weird. He was a
great student to Yale. He went to Ohio State.
Speaker 1 (01:36):
Hey, this just in Trump is nuts. Trump is also
weird as too weird. I'm also beginning to think CNN
is weird, or at least the owners are weird, and
they're trying to destroy the value of the network. For
some reason, they carried that entire shit live as somebody
hired by CNN as its first year ended in nineteen
(01:59):
eighty one. I have a secret for them that is
apparently no longer known by anybody at the network. That
acronym CNN stands for cable News Network. Boys, you are
no longer news. Cut to a test pattern fire everybody
(02:19):
start from scratch, which I guess also applies to Trump's
running mate. I am beginning to suspect that JD. Vance
is actually a Democratic plant. New Kensington, Pennsylvania at VFW
Post ninety two. That would be another acronym. Veterans of
Foreign Wars VFW Post number is ninety two, and there
(02:43):
is still the Sarah Palin rule as it's great to
be here, it's great to be part of VF post.
VFW post ninety two. I've actually got the card right
here in my pocket. So JV there forgot the number
of the post. He forgot the Sarah Palin rule, and
he called it the VFA like it was the Toria
(03:05):
Football Association or the Verband forschender arzenimittel Hairsteller, which is
the trade association of the German pharmaceutical industry, Like you
didn't know that. Oh, and he was reading all of
that off the business card of VFW post ninety two,
and he still couldn't pull it off because he forgot
(03:26):
where he had put the card and he had to
go searching his own pockets for it, and he forgot
the Sarah Palin rule. And the Sarah Palin rule is,
if you are running for vice president and you are
an idiot and there's something you really really need to remember,
just write it on your goddamn hand. Just write it
(03:47):
on your hand. Sure, it's a little embarrassing, but it's
not as embarrassing as that. It's not as embarrassing as
forgetting the VFW is called the VFW and not the VFA,
and that the number of the one you're in is
number ninety two. I mean, it's like this guy has
never been outside before. Oh. In a photo turned up
(04:09):
of JV. Vance in the British rag the Daily Mail,
JV in high school standing next to three girls who
are pretending to use urinals in a boys bathroom, which
I believe is the whole anti trans libs of TikTok
wants the death penalty for this. Oh how dare Tim
Walls put tampons in school toilets? Thing, isn't it? And
(04:33):
then we got all the liberal blowback about, oh, we
should make a big deal about this. Kids are kids,
and everybody has a dumb high school photo and what
would life be like for us if there been social
media when we were in high school doing done things
like that? And the answer is, I don't know. This
happened in two thousand and three. It wasn't on social media,
and it wasn't shot with an iPhone. It was in JD.
Vance's high school yearbook, senior year and the three girls
(04:57):
were the student body president, the secretary, and the treasurer,
plus JD who was vice president. And last time he'll
ever be able to say that that was all intentional,
So don't tell me about.
Speaker 2 (05:09):
Oh, don't make a big deal about it.
Speaker 1 (05:11):
Everybody looks like a crazy man. And the force at
the Pennsylvania VFW number ninety two, if you've forgotten, is coincidental,
but perhaps it is explanatory of this new Franklin and
Marshall University poll in Pennsylvania Harris forty six, Trump forty three.
Their previous poll was June when Trump was head by six,
(05:33):
so she has created a nine point swing in Pennsylvania. Nationally,
new Emerson poll it's Harris fifty Trump forty six, and
their last poll was Trump by six, so she's created
a ten point swing nationally. And after all those cook
electoral polls swung to Harris Wednesday, they have a new
(05:55):
Electoral College score and it is Harris two hundred and
ninety seven, Trump two hundred and twenty five. And the
Lee the item at Politico yesterday in the wake of
all this a story about Trump pivoting, Trump pivoting, Trump resetting.
(06:15):
But this this one is different than every other political
story about Trump pivoting or Trump resetting because in it
the reset was suggested by vivike Ramaswami. That's a scoop, huh.
I mean, never mind the polls almost every last God
damned one of them turning around on a dime and
(06:37):
going off on a rocket ship in the opposite direction
in just the first three and a half weeks since
Kamala Harris succeeded Joe Biden as the nominee. This over
here with vivid Ramaswami, this is groundbreaking journal mondalism. Vivike
Ramaswami insisting Trump should stick to policy and then he'll win,
(06:58):
as if this were possible, as if this were possible,
even if Trump was just back from Lord and every
laying on of hands mystic in the world, as if
this were possible. After that news conference that had no
news in it, and was it a conference? The next
(07:18):
one he holds, I'm thinking the only thing left he
can remove from the equation is himself. It'll be a
Trump news conference, without news, without a conference, and without Trump.
Back to the Politico thing. All this was was today's
entry to win the Van Jones memorial. Trump's Head is
Half full, not Trump's head is half empty competition. Politico
(07:44):
wrote twenty eight paragraphs about Viviq Ramaswami saying how they
can win if Trump sticks to the issues. Quoted Ramaswami
thirteen different times, including him insisting Trump is quote receptive
to his advice on this and that the Republicans can
in fact still win a landslide. And you wonder if
(08:05):
whoever edits this crap has just moved here from the
planet's skyron and the galaxy of Andromeda. At least Politico
did not include in this story and update on which
overpriced Washington restaurant Tammy had Ad was just spotted at
Ramaswami insists Trump is starting to heed the advice Politico Rights.
(08:26):
Turns out it's Rachel Bade who did the interview, So
it's Rachel Baide who then writes, We're not so sure
figured that one out for yourself. Huh Rachel Baide after
the press conference yesterday without questions or press or conference,
(08:46):
ms Baide self identifies, in addition to working for Politico,
as an ABC contributing political correspondent, and all I can
think of is I wonder if ABC knows about that.
Forgive me, but I am now quoting Frank Luntz two
(09:07):
days in a row, seriously like he was not this
bizarre mixture of extensive experience and total lack of credibility. Wednesday,
Frank Lunz told CNBC, we are nearing the moment at
which we will have to start asking how big Kamala
Harris's coattails would be. Yesterday, he told MSNBC quote, I'm
(09:31):
starting to wonder does Trump want to lose? Because no
sane person would campaign the way Donald Trump is campaigning.
Geez Frank, there's your answer right there. Incidentally, in the
right wing alternative universe, which is shrinking rapidly, Trump's social
media site is filled with demands that he fire Susie
(09:55):
Wiles and Chris las Savida as his campaign runners, and
it is filled with calling them traitors. And he is
now bringing in new new leadership, and sure enough, yesterday
he brought in Corey Lewandowski and Tim Murtau and Alex
Brucewitz and Taylor Butterwitch, all of whom he previously got
rid of, but all of whom have the singular advantage
(10:19):
of not doing time at the moment. What is missed
here by the fascists, and I'm sure it will be
missed by Politico today or Monday at the latest, is
that Trump is no longer in charge of this election.
I don't mean he's no longer in charge of his campaign.
No matter how crazy he gets, no matter how incoherent,
(10:42):
no matter how committable, He's still in charge of his campaign.
It's just that his campaign, his team is part of
the whole, is now utterly the submissive part of the campaign.
For this, too, Trump remains in charge. He has long
held that he is one of the great judges of
people and talent of anybody who's ever lived on Earth,
(11:05):
when the exact opposite is true. He has an almost
unbelievable ability to sort through dozens of candidates and select
exactly the worst one, or, in the cases of many
of them, like Mike Pence or General Kelly, exactly the
one most poorly fitted for the job. JV Vance is
(11:29):
an example of this. Wait, I've got that business card
with me somewhere, the one that tells me where I am.
Maybe I put it in my other suit. Hold on,
let me just give me another four or five hours.
I'm sure I'll know where I am then. But never
mind JV for the moment. There's also this new campaign spokesperson,
(11:49):
Caroline Levitt. This is I'm saying this to you like
you don't already know. The former center fielder of the
Saint Anselm College softball team and former Stephanick Comms director
who got smoked as the trumpested eight for the first
congressional district in New Hampshire. There's no polite way of
saying this. Caroline Levitt is a moron. On Monday, Caroline
(12:15):
Levitt went on the podcast hosted by the fascist Stephen
Crowder and insisted, and not for the first time, like
Trump and everybody else with his campaign has insisted, and
not for the first time, that Trump has nothing to
do with this amazingly dystopian roadmap that has resonated through
this campaign, Project twenty twenty five. Quoting Caroline Levitt again Monday.
(12:41):
Monday of this week, he has unveiled hundreds of policy
proposals on his website Agenda forty seven. Caroline Levitt added,
the media likes to talk about Project twenty twenty five,
which has nothing to do with our campaign. It is
Agenda forty seven. Caroline Levitt worked on Project twenty twenty five.
(13:05):
She worked for the creators of Project twenty twenty five.
As Media Matters notes, Caroline Levitt is in a Project
twenty twenty five training video, a training video called the
Art of professionalism and as an aside art is clearly
one fella. Trump is never met. This whole video, more
(13:29):
than half an hour, is just Caroline Levitt and some dude.
In the Project twenty twenty five training video, that's just
Caroline Levitt and some dude. Trump's campaign spokesperson talks about
having worked in the Trump White House, offers tips on
how to work in the federal government. The Project twenty
twenty five logo is visible, still visible at the one
(13:51):
minute thirty eight second mark of this video. Visible at
the two minute five second mark of this video is
Caroline Levitt. She starts talking about ninety seconds later. Half
an hour later the video end and it ends with
Caroline Levitt, so best of luck and if you need
us as a resource, we are here to help. And
(14:19):
scene and over the music you just heard there the
Project twenty twenty five logo. Well, I think Trump and
his spokesperson have done a clear and convincing job of
delineating this impenetrable wall separating the campaign from Project twenty
twenty five. And this will never ever come up again again.
(14:43):
What wait this just in? Wait this just in. It
is soon to be released new book Heritage Foundation President
Kevin Roberts. The tour of Project twenty twenty five has
attacked a Washington, DC dog park, the Swamppoodle Park, says
(15:03):
Roberts of Project twenty twenty five, which has nothing to
do with the Trump campaign except Roberts keeps saying Trump
is lying when he says that he says the park
has too much room for dogs to play in, not
enough room for kids to play in. And this is
because of quote, the anti family culture shaping legislation, regulation
and enforcement throughout our sprawling government. We hell the Swamppoodle
(15:29):
dog Park and an organization affiliated with it called Fond
Friend of Noma Dogs Noma North of Massachusetts Avenue. They
are fighting back. The press release should have asked Trump
about this at his not News not conference yesterday, begins.
(15:52):
Fond rejects mister roberts mischaracterization of swamp Poodle Dog Park
and the Noma neighborhood. Swamp Poodle was first conceived by
a group of local friends who wanted a place for
their dogs to play from that has bled awesome to
family friendly environment that enriches the lives of the neighborhood
and the district. So it's its opening in twenty eighteen,
Swampoodle has become a staple for DC dog owners and
(16:15):
families of all shapes and sizes. As residents know, Noma
and the surrounding neighborhoods are home to many parks and
areas for children and families. In addition to the dog park,
Swampoodle also has a conveniently located play area for children
where you can find kids playing on its unique play
structure throughout the day and throughout the year. Just across
(16:38):
the street is the recently built Swampoodle Terrace, which provides
a safe, enclosed, pet free space for families with infants
and toddlers. A few blocks away are playgrounds at the
Hayes Wellness Center and Jo Wilson Elementary School, large open
play areas for sports at Ludlow Taylor Elementary and It's
(17:00):
Okay is another list of thirty seven other areas in
the neighborhood that you can play with your kids. These
are just a few of the examples of outdoor, family
friendly areas that residents and visitors to the Noma area
can enjoy. Fond's Board of directors can testify to this fact.
Our president has two young children and the co located
(17:24):
children's play area has become a convenient go to community
resource where his entire family, including his dog Luna, can
play and be with friends. As a transplant to DC,
he and his wife have met friends and other families
with children at Swamppoodle that truly demonstrates it takes a village.
(17:50):
FOND rejects efforts by Roberts and others to sow division
in our community, the district, and our nation. As members
of the NOMA and DC community, FOND prides itself in
supporting a family friendly environment where pets and kids can
safely play and build lasting friendships with our neighbors. We
will continue to support our community and the district in
(18:14):
building a safe, inclusive, vibrant, family friendly city. Best Board
of Directors, Friends of NOMA, Dogs, Parentheses, FOND Your Turn,
Project twenty twenty five. Kevin Roberts, the Trump campaign, Maybe
(18:35):
it's time for you to respond to defend your agenda
to institute your anti dog, anti child, anti family, anti
families with dogs and children authoritarian regime. Perhaps you could
have a suitable spokesperson take up your banner and insist
(18:57):
that you Project twenty twenty five trumpists are not weirdos
who hate dogs. May I suggest to you for this
role the most qualified person in America, Governor Christy Nome.
(19:21):
They're all stoned, aren't they? Isn't that the only possible explanation?
Also of interest here, that's right, a Republican candidate for
the House is an ex cop who had to settle
a case in which she was accused of handcuffing an infant.
And if you think that's the worst, here's where we
(19:44):
are as a species today. Throwing out the ceremonial first
pitch yesterday before a Major League baseball.
Speaker 2 (19:50):
Game, was.
Speaker 1 (19:52):
The haktua woman, Clean your palate if you so desire,
because that's next. This is countdown.
Speaker 2 (20:06):
This is countdown with Keith Olberman.
Speaker 1 (20:30):
Stella ahead of us on this edition to countdown. I
have not lately given you the Theurber story. That is
basically all of my interests run into one. There's baseball
in it. There's baseball broadcasting in it. There's the etymology
of Americans slang in it. There's the broadcasting immortal Red
Barber in it. There's Thurber's usually unremarked upon fascination with
(20:54):
crime in it. There's the saga of the story itself,
which somehow wound up as a movie starring Peter Sellers
in it. Fridays, Thurber coming up first, there are still
more new idiots to talk about. The daily roundup of
the miss Grants, morons and Dunning Kruger effects specimens who
constitute two days worst persons in the World. Sellers does
(21:19):
it in a Scottish accent. So today's worst persons in
the World, bad Scottish accent Lebrons worse. Alison Esposito you
can already guess. Alison is a Republican and she's running
for Congress in New York in the eighteenth and her
(21:43):
job used to be cop in Witchborough, Brooklyn in the
seventieth precinct twice, it turns out, reportedly she was the
subject of lawsuits that the City of New York had
to settle once for unlawful arrest cost the city ninety
five thousand dollars. And then there was this. In twenty sixteen,
(22:04):
Posito and another officer entered an apartment building on East
one hundred and first Street and quote did unlawfully stop, assault, frisk, handcuff, detain, arrest,
and imprison unquote an infant named Rebecca Quavas, According to
a complaint later filed by Quabas's mother, Chantalbasquez, I'll just
(22:24):
read that operative part again quote did unlawfully stop, assault, frisk, handcuff, detain, arrest,
and imprison an infant to continue the story. An attorney
for Esposito responded to the complaint by denying the allegations,
arguing that plaintiff's culpable conduct caused or contributed in hooleor
in part to their injuries or damages. The City of
(22:46):
New York still settled the case for twenty five thousand dollars.
An infant allegedly frisked and handcuffed an infant. We don't
have an exact age for this Rebecca Quaves, other than
she was an infant. The house seat the fascist running
Esposito four is currently held by Pat Ryan, who is
(23:08):
a human being. But if you want to go and
make a joke about how the Republicans are interested in
babies until they're born and then afterwards they're going to
stop and frisk them, go right ahead. The runner up
worser RFK Junior. Sure he tried to get Trump to
give him a cabinet spot in exchange for dropping out
(23:28):
and endorsing Trump, and when that didn't work, sure he
tried to get in to see Kamala with the same offer.
So basically, the RFK campaign is an extortion racket. No. No,
but this is not about RFK Junior, per se. This
is about Kristin Davis, not the great actress from Sex
in the City, but a different Kristin Davis, who was
(23:51):
the former Manhattan Madam. Radar reported last week not O'Reilly
the magazine that she was working as an advisor to
a Kennedy pack. She went to jail for her Manhattan
Madam era stuff. Now David Corn at Mother Jones reports
what she has been advising RFK on. No, it's not
(24:13):
about keeping your fly unzipped while you pose for a
photograph with a dead bear you may or may not
have stabbed. No, it's using artificial intelligence to exploit the
data on your phone and my phone and use it
to determine if and how RFK should send you political advertising.
(24:33):
Just quote Korn's piece to utilize AI technology to create
custom messaging and personalized marketing campaigns working off mobile advertiser
ID numbers. A mobile advertising ID or made is a
unique identifier that is assigned to each mobile device. As
Davis explains it, everything you do on your cell phone
(24:54):
is monitored by the provider, what you read, what you
listen to, what you purchase. There are companies that take
that data and use AI to create profiles of the users.
They know You're attitudes, values, and beliefs based on data
from your cell phone provider. For instance, what Facebook groups
you are part of?
Speaker 2 (25:14):
So?
Speaker 1 (25:14):
Am I missing something here? The RFK hired this woman
to scrape your private phone data. Ms Davis insists it
was not hard to switch fields. I've been working in
politics for fifteen years, she tells David Corn. My former
business was far more honest. You knew what was involved
in the transaction. In politics, everyone is for sale and
(25:36):
you don't know what the price is. Is this where
the JV Vans quote about having skin in the game
comes into play? But our winner is the worst Your
New York Mets who finished their series against the Oakland
and or Sacramento and or Las Vegas climate change victim
(25:58):
athletics with a day game yesterday. Every ball games now
seemingly every ball game has a ceremonial first pitch. Somebody
trots out to the mound or near it, wearing a
shirt with the team's name on it, and throws a pitch.
And sometimes it's funny because they throw it wrong and
it winds out on the dugout, and other times it's
(26:18):
funny because they throw it wrong and it hits the
photographer in the private parts. Yesterday, the Mets had a
ceremonial first pitch that was done by a woman they
described as a viral sensation named Hailey Welch. Who's Hailey Welch.
(26:40):
Hailey Welch is best known by her sort of self assigned, inadvertent,
unplanned nickname of Hawk Tua. If you don't know Hailey
Welch or Hawk Tua, I'm not gonna tell you, but
you can look it up. While this audio of hawk
(27:00):
Tua's first pitch plays in the background, it is customed
to have a player or coach catch the ceremonial first pitch,
but oddly enough for the Mets yesterday, Hawk to a
(27:23):
lady did not throw her first pitch to a player
because all the players are too smart for that. You
don't want to catch anything from hawk to A. So
her friend, I think her friend from the Hawk to
a video caught the pitch, and then they ran up
towards each other and chest bumped. And all I can
(27:44):
say is just remember Baseball's rules are explicit about this.
The pitcher is not allowed to touch their fingers to
their mouth while on the mound. But the Mets now
know who to turn to if ever they are in
a blowout. And I assume she threw a spitball, New York,
(28:09):
get your last les in with the Hawk to a woman,
Mets two days, worst persons in the world. Could you
get anybody out? We need relief fetching whoa I'll will beat?
She must come cheap, she must come cheap to the
(28:44):
number one story on the Countdown. And since it is
the weekend edition, it's time for some James Thurber. The
Catbird Seat combines two of my all time favorite things,
Thurber and baseball broadcasting. As Thurber will reveal in the story,
the title comes from a catchphrase used by the Brooklyn
Dodgers legendary announcer Red Barber, the man who trained Vin
(29:05):
Scully and is my late friend Vin's only true competition
for greatest baseball play by playing man of all time.
I met Red Barber. Once I interviewed him for CNN.
He called me Keith throughout the interview. I was so starstruck.
It's pretty much all I remember from the interview. Anyway,
Bert Lancaster bought the movie rights to this story and
(29:28):
he got Billy Wilder to commit to direct it. Well,
how come you've never heard of this perfect sounding film,
The Catbird Seat, directed by Billy Wilder. They sold the
rights and in nineteen sixty the film was made, but
they relocated it from Manhattan to Scotland, starring Peter Sellers
(29:49):
dressed up as an old man as mister Martin. It's
okay unless you've read the story or had it read
to you from the Thurber Carnival nineteen forty five, The
Catbird Seat by James Thurber. Mister Martin bought the pack
(30:09):
of camels on Monday night in the most crowded cigar
store on Broadway. It was theater time, and seven or
eight men were buying cigarettes. The clerk didn't even glance
at mister Martin, who put the pack in his overcoat
pocket and went out. If any of the staff at
F and S had seen him buy the cigarettes, they
would have been astonished. For it was generally known that
(30:31):
mister Martin did not smoke, and never had. No one
saw him. It was just a week to the day
since mister Martin had decided to rub out missus old
Jean Barrows. The term rub out pleased him because it
suggested nothing more than the correction of an error, in
(30:53):
this case, an error of mister Fitweiler. Mister Martin had
spent each night of the past week working out his
plan and examining it as he walked home. Now he
went over it again for the hundredth time. He resented
the element of imprecision, the margin of guesswork that entered
into the business. The project, as he had worked it out,
(31:16):
was casual and bold. The risks were considerable. Something might
go wrong anywhere along the line, and therein lay the
cunning of his scheme. No one would ever see in
the cautious, painstaking hand of Irwin Martin, head of the
filing department at F and S, of whom mister Fitweiler
(31:37):
had once said, man is fallible, but Martin isn't. No
one would see his hand, that is, unless he were
caught in the act, sitting in his apartment drinking a
glass of milk. Mister Martin reviewed his case against missus
Old Jean Barrows, as he had every night for seven nights.
(32:02):
He began at the beginning, backing voice and braying laugh.
Had first profaned the halls of fns on March seventh,
nineteen forty one. Mister Martin had a head for dates.
Old Roberts, the personnel chief, had introduced her as the
newly appointed special advisor to the president of the firm,
(32:23):
mister Fitweiler. The woman had appalled mister Martin instantly, but
he had not shown it. He had given her his
dry hand, a look of studious concentration in a faint smile. Well,
she said, looking at the papers on his desk, are
you lifting the ox cart out of the ditch. As
(32:44):
mister Martin recalled that moment over his milk, he squirmed slightly.
He must keep his mind on her crimes as a
special advisor, not on her peccadillos as a personality. This
he found difficult to do. In spite of entering an
objection and sustaining it. The faults of the woman as
a woman kept chattering on in his mind like an
(33:05):
unruly witness. She had for almost two years now, baited
him in the halls, in the elevator, even in his
own office, into which she romped now and then like
a circus horse. She was constantly shouting these silly questions
at him. Are you lefting the ox cart out of
(33:26):
the ditch? Are you tearing up the pea patch? Are
you hollering down the rain barrel? Are you scraping around
the bottom of the pickle barrel? Are you sitting in
the cat married seat. It was Joey Hart, one of
mister Martin's two assistants, who had explained what the gibberish meant.
(33:49):
She must be a Dodger fan, he had said, Red
Bob announces the Dodger games over the radio, and he
uses these expressions, picked them up down south. Joey had
gone on to explain one or two, tearing up the
pea patch meant going on a rampage, Sitting in the
catbirds seat meant sitting pretty like a batter with three
(34:11):
balls and no strikes on him. Mister Martin dismissed all
this with an effort. It had been annoying, it had
driven him near to distraction, but he was too solid
a man to be moved to murder by anything so childish.
It was unfortunate, he reflected, as he passed on to
the important charges against Missus Barrows, that he had stood
(34:34):
up under it so well. He had maintained always an
outward appearance of polite tolerance. Why I even believe you
like the woman Mispaired, his other assistant, had once said
to him. He had simply smiled a gavel wrapped in
mister Martin's mind, and the case proper was resumed. Missus
(34:55):
Aul Jean Barrows stood charged with wilful, platant and persistent
attempts to destroy the efficiency and system of fn S.
It was confident material and relevant to review her advent
and rise to power. Mister Martin had got the story
from Miss Paired, who seemed always able to find things out.
(35:16):
According to her, Missus Barrows had met mister Fitweller at
a party where she had rescued him from the embraces
of a powerfully built, drunken man who had mistaken the
president of F and S for a famous retired middle
Western football coach. She had led him to a sofa
and somehow worked upon him a monstrous magic. The aging
(35:41):
gentleman had jumped to the conclusion there and then that
this was a woman of singular attainments, equipped to bring
out the best in him and in the firm. A
week later he had introduced her into F and S
as his special adviser. On that day, confusion got its
(36:02):
foot in the door. After miss Tyson, mister Brundage and
mister Bartlett had been fired and mister Munson had taken
his hat and stalked out mailing. In his resignation letter,
Old Roberts had been emboldened to speak to mister Fitweiler.
He mentioned that mister Munson's department had become a little disrupted,
and hadn't they perhaps better resumed the old system there.
(36:26):
Mister Fitwiler had said, certainly not. He had the greatest
faith in missus Barrow's ideas. They require a little seasoning.
Little seasoning is all, he had added. Mister Roberts had
given it up. Mister Martin reviewed in detail all the
changes wrought by missus Barrows. She'd begun chipping at the
cornices of the firm's edifice, and now she was swinging
(36:49):
at the foundation stones with a pickaxe. Mister Martin came
now in his summing up to the afternoon of Monday,
November two, nineteen forty two, just one week ago. On
that day, at three pm, missus Barrow's had bounced into
his office. Boo, she had yelled, Are you scraping around
(37:09):
the bottom of the pickle barrel? Mister Martin had looked
at her from under his green eye shade, saying nothing.
She had begun to wander about the office, taking it
in with her great popping eyes. Do you really need
all these filing cabinets, she had demanded. Suddenly, mister Martin's
(37:30):
heart had jumped each of these files, he had said,
keeping his voice even plays an indispensable part in the
system of f and s. She had brayed at him,
well don't tear up the pea patch, and gone to
the door. From there she had bawled, but you sure
have got a lot of fine scrap in here. Mister
(37:55):
Martin could no longer doubt that the finger was on
his beloved department. Her pickaxe was on the upswing poison
for the first blow. It had not come yet. He
had received no blue memo from the enchanted mister Fitweler,
bearing nonsensical instructions deriving from this obscene woman. But there
(38:17):
was no doubt in mister Martin's mind that one would
be forthcoming. He must act quickly. Already a precious week
had gone by. Mister Martin stood up in his living room,
still holding his milk glass. Gentleman of the jury, he
said to himself, I demand the death penalty for this
(38:39):
horrible person. The next day, mister Martin followed his routine
as usual. He polished his glasses more often and once
sharpened and already sharp pencil. But not even mispaired noticed.
Only once did he catch sight of his victim. She
swept past him in the hall with the patronizing Hai.
(38:59):
At five point thirty. He walked home as usual and
had a glass of milk as usual. He had never
drunk anything stronger in his life, unless you could count
ginger Ale. The late Sam Schlosser, the s of F
and S had praised mister Martin at a staff meeting
several years before for his temperate habits. One of our
(39:20):
most efficient workers. Neither drinks nor smokes, he had said,
the results speak for themselves. Mister Fitweller had sat by,
nodding approval. Mister Martin was still thinking about that red
letter day, as he walked over to the Shafts restaurant
on Fifth Avenue near forty sixth Street. He got there
as he always did, at eight o'clock. He finished his
(39:41):
dinner and the financial page of the New York Sun
quartered at to nine. As he always did, It was
his custom after dinner to take a walk. This time
he walked down Fifth Avenue at a casual place. His
gloved hands felt moist and warm, his forehead cold. He
transferred the camels from his overcoat to a jacket pocket.
(40:01):
He wondered as he did so, if they did not
represent an unnecessary note of strain. Missus Barrows smoked only luckies.
It was his idea to puff a few puffs on
a camel after the rubbing out, stub it out in
the ashtray, holding her lipstick, saying luckies, and thus drag
(40:22):
a small red herring across the trail. Perhaps it was
not a good idea. It would take time. He might
even choke too loudly. Mister Martin had never seen the
house on West twelfth Street where Missus Barrows lived, but
he had a clear enough picture of it. Fortunately, she
had bragged to everybody about her decky first floor apartment
(40:46):
in the perfectly darling three story red brick. There would
be no doorman or other attendants, just the tenants of
the second and third floors. As he walked along, mister
Martin realized that he would get there before nine to thirty.
He had considered walking north on Fifth Avenue from Shrafts
to a point from which it would take him until
(41:06):
ten o'clock to reach the house. At that hour people
were less likely to be coming in or going out,
But the procedure would have made an awkward loop in
the straight thread of his casualness, and he had abandoned it.
It was impossible to figure when people would be entering
or leaving the house anyway, there was a great risk
at any hour if he ran into anybody, he would
(41:27):
simply have to place the rubbing out of old Jean
Barrows in the inactive file forever. The same thing would
hold true if there was someone in her apartment. In
that case, he would just say that he had been
passing by, recognized her charming house, and thought to drop in.
It was eighteen minutes after nine when mister Martin turned
(41:49):
into twelfth Straight. A man passed him and a man
and a woman talking. There was no one within fifty paces.
When he came to the house halfway down the block.
He was up the steps and in the small vestibule,
and no time pressing the bell under the card that
said Missus ol Jean Arrows. When the clicking in the
lock started, he jumped forward against the door. He got
inside fast, closing the door behind him. A bulb in
(42:11):
a lantern hung from the hall ceiling on a chain
seemed to give a monstrously bright light. There was nobody
on the stair which went up ahead of him along
the left wall. A door opened down the hall on
the wall on the right. He went toward it swiftly
on tiptoe. Now, for God's sakes, look who's here? Bawled
Missus Barrows, and her braining laugh rang out like the
(42:34):
report of a shotgun. He rushed past her like a
football attacker, bumping her. Hey, quit shoving, she said, closing
the door behind them. They were in her living room,
which seemed to mister Martin to be lighted by a
hundred lamps. What's after you, she said, Here's jumpy as
a goat. He found he was unable to speak. His
(42:57):
heart was wheezing in his throat. I yes, he finally
brought out. He was jabbering and laughing as she started
to help him off with his coat. No, no, he said,
I'll put it here. He took it off and put
it on a chair near the door. Your hat and
gloves too, She said, you're in a lady's house. He
(43:20):
put his hat on top of the coat. Missus Barrows
seemed larger than he had thought. He kept his gloves on.
I was passing by, he said, I recognized. Is there
anyone here? She laughed louder than ever. No, she said,
(43:40):
we're all alone. You're white as a sheet, you funny man,
whatever has come over you. I'll mix you a toddy.
She started toward a door across the room. Scotch and
so to be all right, But say you don't drink,
do you? She turned and gave him her amused look.
Mister Martin pulled himself together. Scotch and soda will be
(44:01):
all right, he heard himself say. He could hear her
laughing in the kitchen. Mister Martin looked quickly around the
living room for the weapon he had counted on finding one.
There there were and irons and a poker and something
in a corner that looked like an Indian club. None
of them would do it, couldn't be that way. He
began to pace around. He came to a desk. On
(44:24):
it lay a metal paper knife with an ornate handle.
Would it be sharp enough? He reached for it and
knocked over a small brass jar. Stamps spilled out of
it and fell onto the floor with a clatter. Hey,
missus Barrows, yelled from the kitchen. Are you tearing up
the pea patch? Mister Martin gave a strange laugh. Picking
(44:45):
up the knife, he tried its point against his left wrist.
It was blunt. It wouldn't do. When Missus Barrows reappeared
carrying two high balls, mister Martin, standing there with his
gloves on, became acutely conscious of the fantasy. He had
wrought cigarettes in his pocket, a drink prepared for him.
(45:07):
It was all too grossly improbable. It was more than that,
it was impossible. Somewhere in the back of his mind
a vague idea stirred sprouted. For Heaven's sake, take off
those gloves, said Missus Barrows. I always wear them in
(45:30):
the house, said mister Martin. The idea began to bloom
strange and wonderful. She put the glasses on a coffee
table in front of a sofa and sat on the sofa.
Come over here, you odd little man, she said. Mister
Martin went over and sat beside her. It was difficult
(45:50):
getting a cigarette out of the pack of camels, but
he managed it. She held a match for him. Laughing well,
she said, handing him his drink. This is perfectly marvelous,
you with a drink and a cigarette. Mister Martin puffed,
not too awkwardly, and took a gulp of the highball.
(46:11):
I drink and smoke all the time, he said. He
clinked his glass against hers. Here's nuts to that old
wind bag fit whiler, he said, and gulped again. The
stuff tasted awful, but he made no grimace. Really, mister Martin,
she said, her voice and posture changing. You are insulting
our employer. Missus Barrows was now all special advisor to
(46:37):
the President. I am preparing a bomb, said mister Martin,
which will blow the old goat higher than hell. He
had only had a little of the drink, which was
not strong. It couldn't be that. Do you take dope
or something, missus Barrows asked coldly. Heroine said, mister Martin,
(46:58):
I'll be coked to the gills when I bumped that
old buzzard off. Mister Martin, she shouted, getting to her feet,
that will be all of that. You must go at once.
Mister Martin took another swallow of the drink. He tapped
his cigarette out in the ash tray and put the
pack of camels on the coffee table. Then he got up.
She stood glaring at him. He walked over and put
(47:21):
on his hat and coat. Not a word about this,
he said, and laid an index finger against his lips.
All missus Barrows could bring out was a really Mister
Martin put his hand on the doorknob. I'm sitting in
the catbird's seat, he said. He stuck his tongue out
(47:42):
at her, and left. Nobody saw him go Mister Martin
got to his apartment walking well before eleven. No one
saw him go in. He had two glasses of milk
after brushing his teeth, and he felt elated. It wasn't tipsy,
in is because he hadn't been tipsy anyway. The walk
(48:03):
had worn off all off of the whiskey. He got
in bed and read a magazine for a while. He
was asleep before midnight. Mister Martin got to the office
at eight point thirty the next morning as usual. At
a quarter to nine, Old Jean Barrows, who had never
before arrived at work before ten, swept into his office.
I'm reparting to mister Fitwailer now, she shouted. If he
(48:25):
turns you over to the police, it's no more than
you deserve. Mister Martin gave her a look of shocked surprise.
I beg your pardon, he said. Missus Barrow snorted and
bounced out of the room, leaving Miss Paird and Joey
Hart staring after her. What's the matter with that old
devil now, asked Miss Paired. I have no idea, said
(48:48):
mister Martin, resuming his work. The other two looked at him,
and then at each other. Miss Paired got up and
went out. She walked slowly past the closed door of
mister Fitwiler's office. Missus Barrows was yelling inside, but she
was not brain. Miss Paired could not hear what the
woman was saying. She went back to her desk. Forty
(49:09):
five minutes later, Missus Barrows left the President's office and
went into her own, shutting the door. It wasn't until
half an hour later that mister Fitweiler sent for mister Martin,
the head of the filing department. Neat quiet, attentive, stood
in front of the old man's desk. Mister Fitweiler was
pale and nervous. He took his glasses off and twiddled them.
(49:30):
He made a small ruffing sound in his throat. Martin,
he said, you have been with us more than twenty years.
Twenty two, sir, said mister Martin. In that time pursued
the President. Your work and your manner have been exemplary.
(49:51):
I trust so, sir, said mister Martin. I have understood, Martin,
said mister Fitwaller, that you have never taken a drink
or smoked. That is correct, sir, said mister Martin. H Yeah, yes,
mister Fitwiler polished his glasses. You may describe what you
did after leaving the office yesterday, Martin, he said, certainly, sir,
(50:15):
he said. I walked home. Then I went to Shrafts
for dinner. Afterward, I walked home again. I went to
bed early, sir, and read a magazine for a while
I was asleep before eleven. Ah. Yes, said mister Fitwiler. Again.
He was silent for a moment, searching for the proper
words to say to the head of the filing department,
(50:37):
Missus Barrows. He said finally, Missus Barrows has worked hard, Martin,
very hard. It brings me to report, but she has
suffered a severe breakdown. It has taken the form of
a persecution complex accompanied by distressing hallucinations. I'm very sorry, sir,
(50:58):
said mister Martin. Missus Barrows is under the delusion, continued
mister Fitwiler, that you visited her last evening and behaved
yourself in an unseemly manner. He raised his hand to
silence mister Martin's little, pained outcry. It is the nature
of these psychological diseases, mister Fitwiler said, to fix upon
(51:22):
the least likely and most innocent party as the source
of persecution. These matters are not for the lay mind
to grasp. Martin. I've just had my psychiatrist, doctor Fitch,
on the phone. He would not, of course commit himself,
but he made enough generalizations to substantiate my suspicions. I
(51:43):
suggested to missus Barrows when she had completed her story
to me this morning, that she visited doctor Fitch for
I suspected a condition. Whats that she flew, I regret
to say, into a rage and demanded requested that I
call you on the carpet. You may not know, Martin,
(52:06):
but Missus Barrows had planned a reorganization of your department,
subject to my approval. Of course, subject to my approval.
This brought you, rather than anyone else to her mind.
But again that is a phenomenon for doctor Fitch and
not for us. So Martin, I'm afraid Missus Barrow's usefulness
(52:26):
here is at an end. I'm dreadfully sorry, sir, said
mister Martin. It was at this point that the door
to the office blew open with the suddenness of a
gas main explosion, and Missus Barrow's catapulted through. It is
the little rad denying it, she screamed. He can't get
(52:46):
away with that. Mister Martin got up and moved discreetly
to a point beside mister Fitwiler's chair. You drank and
smoked at my apartment, she bawled at mister Martin, and
you know it. You called mister Fitwailer an old wind
bag and said you were gonna blow him up when
you got coked to your gills on your head Heroin.
(53:07):
She stopped yelling to catch her breath, and a new
glint came into her popping eyes. If you weren't set
to drab, ordinary, little man, she said, I'd think you'd
planned it all, sticking your tongue out, saying you were
sitting in the cat buried seat because you thought no
one would believe me when I told it. My god,
(53:27):
it's really too perfect. She brayed loudly and hysterically, and
the fury was on her again. She glared at mister Fitwiler.
Can't you see how he has checked us, you old fool.
Can't you see his little game? But mister Fitwiler had
been surreptitiously pressing all the buttons under the top of
(53:48):
his desk, and employees of fn S began pouring into
the room. Stockton said, Missus Fitchwiler, you and Fishbine will
take missus Barrows to her home. Missus Powell, you will
go with them. Stockton, who had played a little football
in high school, blocked Missus Barrows as she made for
mister Martin. It took him and fish Mine together to
(54:08):
force her out of the door into the hall crowded
with stenographers and office boys. She was still screaming imprecations
at mister Martin, tangled and contradictory imprecations. The hubbub finally
died out down the corridor. I regret that this has happened,
said mister Fitweiler. I shall ask you to dismiss it
(54:31):
from your mind. Martin, Yes, sir, said mister Martin, anticipating
his chiefs, that will be all. By moving to the door,
I will dismiss it. He went out and shut the door,
and his step was light and quick in the hall.
When he entered his department, he had slowed down to
(54:53):
his customary gate, and he walked quietly across the room
to the double twenty file, wearing a look of studious centration.
(55:18):
The Catbird Seat by James Thurber. I've done all the
damn and Jack can do here. Thank you for listening.
Please share this podcast with somebody who does not listen
to it. The ratings are on the rise, and as
an exhibitionist, I need the largest audience I can get.
By the way I have a correction to Thursday's podcast
(55:39):
when Fox fired me in two thousand and one and
the guy from Sports Illustrated wrote the article about how
my career was over twenty three and a half years
ago and he's retired since, and I'm still doing this.
Fox tried to get me to blow myself up publicly
by attacking them so they didn't have to pay off
the rest of my contract. And for some reason, in
(56:01):
retelling this yesterday, I said they had to pay me
one hundred thousand dollars year went In fact, they had
to pay me one hundred thousand dollars a month, most
of which I still have. Thank you, So I'm sorry
God for the money for the error anyway. Brian Ray
and John Phillip Shanelle, the musical directors have Countdown, have arranged,
(56:21):
produced and performed most of our music today. Mister Chanale
handled orchestration and keyboards. Mister Ray was on the guitars,
bass and drums. It was produced by Tko Brothers. Our
satirical and pithy musical comments are by the best baseball
stadium organist ever, Nancy Faust. Sports music is the Olberman
theme from ESPN two, written by Mitch Warren, Davis Curtesy
(56:42):
of ESPN, Inc. Other music arranged and performed by the
group No Horns Allowed. My announcer today is my friend
John Dean, and everything else was pretty much my fault.
So that's countdown for this the eighty second day until
the twenty twenty four presidential election, the one three hundred
and seventeenth day since convicted felon dementia J Trump's first
(57:04):
attempted who against the democratically elected government of the United States.
Use the September eighteenth sentencing hearing. Use the mental health system.
You have this available to you now, President Biden, use
presidential immunity to stop him from doing it again. While
we still hawk to a can and anti Semitic, anti immigration,
(57:28):
gun nut Republicans, please stop shooting at Trump. The next
scheduled countdown is Tuesday. Bulletins as the news requires until
the next one. I'm Keith Olrumman. Good morning, good afternoon, goodnight,
and good luck. Countdown with Keith Olderman is a production
(57:59):
of iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from iHeartRadio, visit the iHeartRadio app,
Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
Countdown with Keith Olderman is a production of iHeartRadio. Last
week he held a quote news conference but made sure
(00:25):
reporters couldn't have microphones, and then yesterday he improved on that.
He held another quote news conference, but made sure reporters
couldn't have any questions asked.
Speaker 2 (00:37):
God has something to do with it. It's a miracle,
and God had something to do with it, And maybe
it's we want to save the world. This world is
going down. This world is going down. So as you know,
the Supreme Court world recently on immunity and I'm immune
from all of this stuff that they charged me with.
Speaker 1 (00:57):
You added more people to your campaign today. Is that
a sign of a shifting strategy. No.
Speaker 2 (01:01):
I think it's a sign of we want to close
it out. We had great people. Susie as fantastic as
you know, and Chris is fantastic. They're leading it. Corey
Lewandowski's coming in. He'll be, you know, a personal envoy
or he'll be at some level.
Speaker 1 (01:18):
Corey Lewandowski personal envoy, personal envoy to Christy nome am
I right.
Speaker 2 (01:23):
She certainly attacks me personally. She actually called me weird.
He's weird. It was just a SoundBite and she called
jayd and I weird. He's not weird. He was a
great student to Yale. He went to Ohio State.
Speaker 1 (01:36):
Hey, this just in Trump is nuts. Trump is also
weird as too weird. I'm also beginning to think CNN
is weird, or at least the owners are weird, and
they're trying to destroy the value of the network. For
some reason, they carried that entire shit live as somebody
hired by CNN as its first year ended in nineteen
(01:59):
eighty one. I have a secret for them that is
apparently no longer known by anybody at the network. That
acronym CNN stands for cable News Network. Boys, you are
no longer news. Cut to a test pattern fire everybody
(02:19):
start from scratch, which I guess also applies to Trump's
running mate. I am beginning to suspect that JD. Vance
is actually a Democratic plant. New Kensington, Pennsylvania at VFW
Post ninety two. That would be another acronym. Veterans of
Foreign Wars VFW Post number is ninety two, and there
(02:43):
is still the Sarah Palin rule as it's great to
be here, it's great to be part of VF post.
VFW post ninety two. I've actually got the card right
here in my pocket. So JV there forgot the number
of the post. He forgot the Sarah Palin rule, and
he called it the VFA like it was the Toria
(03:05):
Football Association or the Verband forschender arzenimittel Hairsteller, which is
the trade association of the German pharmaceutical industry, Like you
didn't know that. Oh, and he was reading all of
that off the business card of VFW post ninety two,
and he still couldn't pull it off because he forgot
(03:26):
where he had put the card and he had to
go searching his own pockets for it, and he forgot
the Sarah Palin rule. And the Sarah Palin rule is,
if you are running for vice president and you are
an idiot and there's something you really really need to remember,
just write it on your goddamn hand. Just write it
(03:47):
on your hand. Sure, it's a little embarrassing, but it's
not as embarrassing as that. It's not as embarrassing as
forgetting the VFW is called the VFW and not the VFA,
and that the number of the one you're in is
number ninety two. I mean, it's like this guy has
never been outside before. Oh. In a photo turned up
(04:09):
of JV. Vance in the British rag the Daily Mail,
JV in high school standing next to three girls who
are pretending to use urinals in a boys bathroom, which
I believe is the whole anti trans libs of TikTok
wants the death penalty for this. Oh how dare Tim
Walls put tampons in school toilets? Thing, isn't it? And
(04:33):
then we got all the liberal blowback about, oh, we
should make a big deal about this. Kids are kids,
and everybody has a dumb high school photo and what
would life be like for us if there been social
media when we were in high school doing done things
like that? And the answer is, I don't know. This
happened in two thousand and three. It wasn't on social media,
and it wasn't shot with an iPhone. It was in JD.
Vance's high school yearbook, senior year and the three girls
(04:57):
were the student body president, the secretary, and the treasurer,
plus JD who was vice president. And last time he'll
ever be able to say that that was all intentional,
So don't tell me about.
Speaker 2 (05:09):
Oh, don't make a big deal about it.
Speaker 1 (05:11):
Everybody looks like a crazy man. And the force at
the Pennsylvania VFW number ninety two, if you've forgotten, is coincidental,
but perhaps it is explanatory of this new Franklin and
Marshall University poll in Pennsylvania Harris forty six, Trump forty three.
Their previous poll was June when Trump was head by six,
(05:33):
so she has created a nine point swing in Pennsylvania. Nationally,
new Emerson poll it's Harris fifty Trump forty six, and
their last poll was Trump by six, so she's created
a ten point swing nationally. And after all those cook
electoral polls swung to Harris Wednesday, they have a new
(05:55):
Electoral College score and it is Harris two hundred and
ninety seven, Trump two hundred and twenty five. And the
Lee the item at Politico yesterday in the wake of
all this a story about Trump pivoting, Trump pivoting, Trump resetting.
(06:15):
But this this one is different than every other political
story about Trump pivoting or Trump resetting because in it
the reset was suggested by vivike Ramaswami. That's a scoop, huh.
I mean, never mind the polls almost every last God
damned one of them turning around on a dime and
(06:37):
going off on a rocket ship in the opposite direction
in just the first three and a half weeks since
Kamala Harris succeeded Joe Biden as the nominee. This over
here with vivid Ramaswami, this is groundbreaking journal mondalism. Vivike
Ramaswami insisting Trump should stick to policy and then he'll win,
(06:58):
as if this were possible, as if this were possible,
even if Trump was just back from Lord and every
laying on of hands mystic in the world, as if
this were possible. After that news conference that had no
news in it, and was it a conference? The next
(07:18):
one he holds, I'm thinking the only thing left he
can remove from the equation is himself. It'll be a
Trump news conference, without news, without a conference, and without Trump.
Back to the Politico thing. All this was was today's
entry to win the Van Jones memorial. Trump's Head is
Half full, not Trump's head is half empty competition. Politico
(07:44):
wrote twenty eight paragraphs about Viviq Ramaswami saying how they
can win if Trump sticks to the issues. Quoted Ramaswami
thirteen different times, including him insisting Trump is quote receptive
to his advice on this and that the Republicans can
in fact still win a landslide. And you wonder if
(08:05):
whoever edits this crap has just moved here from the
planet's skyron and the galaxy of Andromeda. At least Politico
did not include in this story and update on which
overpriced Washington restaurant Tammy had Ad was just spotted at
Ramaswami insists Trump is starting to heed the advice Politico Rights.
(08:26):
Turns out it's Rachel Bade who did the interview, So
it's Rachel Baide who then writes, We're not so sure
figured that one out for yourself. Huh Rachel Baide after
the press conference yesterday without questions or press or conference,
(08:46):
ms Baide self identifies, in addition to working for Politico,
as an ABC contributing political correspondent, and all I can
think of is I wonder if ABC knows about that.
Forgive me, but I am now quoting Frank Luntz two
(09:07):
days in a row, seriously like he was not this
bizarre mixture of extensive experience and total lack of credibility. Wednesday,
Frank Lunz told CNBC, we are nearing the moment at
which we will have to start asking how big Kamala
Harris's coattails would be. Yesterday, he told MSNBC quote, I'm
(09:31):
starting to wonder does Trump want to lose? Because no
sane person would campaign the way Donald Trump is campaigning.
Geez Frank, there's your answer right there. Incidentally, in the
right wing alternative universe, which is shrinking rapidly, Trump's social
media site is filled with demands that he fire Susie
(09:55):
Wiles and Chris las Savida as his campaign runners, and
it is filled with calling them traitors. And he is
now bringing in new new leadership, and sure enough, yesterday
he brought in Corey Lewandowski and Tim Murtau and Alex
Brucewitz and Taylor Butterwitch, all of whom he previously got
rid of, but all of whom have the singular advantage
(10:19):
of not doing time at the moment. What is missed
here by the fascists, and I'm sure it will be
missed by Politico today or Monday at the latest, is
that Trump is no longer in charge of this election.
I don't mean he's no longer in charge of his campaign.
No matter how crazy he gets, no matter how incoherent,
(10:42):
no matter how committable, He's still in charge of his campaign.
It's just that his campaign, his team is part of
the whole, is now utterly the submissive part of the campaign.
For this, too, Trump remains in charge. He has long
held that he is one of the great judges of
people and talent of anybody who's ever lived on Earth,
(11:05):
when the exact opposite is true. He has an almost
unbelievable ability to sort through dozens of candidates and select
exactly the worst one, or, in the cases of many
of them, like Mike Pence or General Kelly, exactly the
one most poorly fitted for the job. JV Vance is
(11:29):
an example of this. Wait, I've got that business card
with me somewhere, the one that tells me where I am.
Maybe I put it in my other suit. Hold on,
let me just give me another four or five hours.
I'm sure I'll know where I am then. But never
mind JV for the moment. There's also this new campaign spokesperson,
(11:49):
Caroline Levitt. This is I'm saying this to you like
you don't already know. The former center fielder of the
Saint Anselm College softball team and former Stephanick Comms director
who got smoked as the trumpested eight for the first
congressional district in New Hampshire. There's no polite way of
saying this. Caroline Levitt is a moron. On Monday, Caroline
(12:15):
Levitt went on the podcast hosted by the fascist Stephen
Crowder and insisted, and not for the first time, like
Trump and everybody else with his campaign has insisted, and
not for the first time, that Trump has nothing to
do with this amazingly dystopian roadmap that has resonated through
this campaign, Project twenty twenty five. Quoting Caroline Levitt again Monday.
(12:41):
Monday of this week, he has unveiled hundreds of policy
proposals on his website Agenda forty seven. Caroline Levitt added,
the media likes to talk about Project twenty twenty five,
which has nothing to do with our campaign. It is
Agenda forty seven. Caroline Levitt worked on Project twenty twenty five.
(13:05):
She worked for the creators of Project twenty twenty five.
As Media Matters notes, Caroline Levitt is in a Project
twenty twenty five training video, a training video called the
Art of professionalism and as an aside art is clearly
one fella. Trump is never met. This whole video, more
(13:29):
than half an hour, is just Caroline Levitt and some dude.
In the Project twenty twenty five training video, that's just
Caroline Levitt and some dude. Trump's campaign spokesperson talks about
having worked in the Trump White House, offers tips on
how to work in the federal government. The Project twenty
twenty five logo is visible, still visible at the one
(13:51):
minute thirty eight second mark of this video. Visible at
the two minute five second mark of this video is
Caroline Levitt. She starts talking about ninety seconds later. Half
an hour later the video end and it ends with
Caroline Levitt, so best of luck and if you need
us as a resource, we are here to help. And
(14:19):
scene and over the music you just heard there the
Project twenty twenty five logo. Well, I think Trump and
his spokesperson have done a clear and convincing job of
delineating this impenetrable wall separating the campaign from Project twenty
twenty five. And this will never ever come up again again.
(14:43):
What wait this just in? Wait this just in. It
is soon to be released new book Heritage Foundation President
Kevin Roberts. The tour of Project twenty twenty five has
attacked a Washington, DC dog park, the Swamppoodle Park, says
(15:03):
Roberts of Project twenty twenty five, which has nothing to
do with the Trump campaign except Roberts keeps saying Trump
is lying when he says that he says the park
has too much room for dogs to play in, not
enough room for kids to play in. And this is
because of quote, the anti family culture shaping legislation, regulation
and enforcement throughout our sprawling government. We hell the Swamppoodle
(15:29):
dog Park and an organization affiliated with it called Fond
Friend of Noma Dogs Noma North of Massachusetts Avenue. They
are fighting back. The press release should have asked Trump
about this at his not News not conference yesterday, begins.
(15:52):
Fond rejects mister roberts mischaracterization of swamp Poodle Dog Park
and the Noma neighborhood. Swamp Poodle was first conceived by
a group of local friends who wanted a place for
their dogs to play from that has bled awesome to
family friendly environment that enriches the lives of the neighborhood
and the district. So it's its opening in twenty eighteen,
Swampoodle has become a staple for DC dog owners and
(16:15):
families of all shapes and sizes. As residents know, Noma
and the surrounding neighborhoods are home to many parks and
areas for children and families. In addition to the dog park,
Swampoodle also has a conveniently located play area for children
where you can find kids playing on its unique play
structure throughout the day and throughout the year. Just across
(16:38):
the street is the recently built Swampoodle Terrace, which provides
a safe, enclosed, pet free space for families with infants
and toddlers. A few blocks away are playgrounds at the
Hayes Wellness Center and Jo Wilson Elementary School, large open
play areas for sports at Ludlow Taylor Elementary and It's
(17:00):
Okay is another list of thirty seven other areas in
the neighborhood that you can play with your kids. These
are just a few of the examples of outdoor, family
friendly areas that residents and visitors to the Noma area
can enjoy. Fond's Board of directors can testify to this fact.
Our president has two young children and the co located
(17:24):
children's play area has become a convenient go to community
resource where his entire family, including his dog Luna, can
play and be with friends. As a transplant to DC,
he and his wife have met friends and other families
with children at Swamppoodle that truly demonstrates it takes a village.
(17:50):
FOND rejects efforts by Roberts and others to sow division
in our community, the district, and our nation. As members
of the NOMA and DC community, FOND prides itself in
supporting a family friendly environment where pets and kids can
safely play and build lasting friendships with our neighbors. We
will continue to support our community and the district in
(18:14):
building a safe, inclusive, vibrant, family friendly city. Best Board
of Directors, Friends of NOMA, Dogs, Parentheses, FOND Your Turn,
Project twenty twenty five. Kevin Roberts, the Trump campaign, Maybe
(18:35):
it's time for you to respond to defend your agenda
to institute your anti dog, anti child, anti family, anti
families with dogs and children authoritarian regime. Perhaps you could
have a suitable spokesperson take up your banner and insist
(18:57):
that you Project twenty twenty five trumpists are not weirdos
who hate dogs. May I suggest to you for this
role the most qualified person in America, Governor Christy Nome.
(19:21):
They're all stoned, aren't they? Isn't that the only possible explanation?
Also of interest here, that's right, a Republican candidate for
the House is an ex cop who had to settle
a case in which she was accused of handcuffing an infant.
And if you think that's the worst, here's where we
(19:44):
are as a species today. Throwing out the ceremonial first
pitch yesterday before a Major League baseball.
Speaker 2 (19:50):
Game, was.
Speaker 1 (19:52):
The haktua woman, Clean your palate if you so desire,
because that's next. This is countdown.
Speaker 2 (20:06):
This is countdown with Keith Olberman.
Speaker 1 (20:30):
Stella ahead of us on this edition to countdown. I
have not lately given you the Theurber story. That is
basically all of my interests run into one. There's baseball
in it. There's baseball broadcasting in it. There's the etymology
of Americans slang in it. There's the broadcasting immortal Red
Barber in it. There's Thurber's usually unremarked upon fascination with
(20:54):
crime in it. There's the saga of the story itself,
which somehow wound up as a movie starring Peter Sellers
in it. Fridays, Thurber coming up first, there are still
more new idiots to talk about. The daily roundup of
the miss Grants, morons and Dunning Kruger effects specimens who
constitute two days worst persons in the World. Sellers does
(21:19):
it in a Scottish accent. So today's worst persons in
the World, bad Scottish accent Lebrons worse. Alison Esposito you
can already guess. Alison is a Republican and she's running
for Congress in New York in the eighteenth and her
(21:43):
job used to be cop in Witchborough, Brooklyn in the
seventieth precinct twice, it turns out, reportedly she was the
subject of lawsuits that the City of New York had
to settle once for unlawful arrest cost the city ninety
five thousand dollars. And then there was this. In twenty sixteen,
(22:04):
Posito and another officer entered an apartment building on East
one hundred and first Street and quote did unlawfully stop, assault, frisk, handcuff, detain, arrest,
and imprison unquote an infant named Rebecca Quavas, According to
a complaint later filed by Quabas's mother, Chantalbasquez, I'll just
(22:24):
read that operative part again quote did unlawfully stop, assault, frisk, handcuff, detain, arrest,
and imprison an infant to continue the story. An attorney
for Esposito responded to the complaint by denying the allegations,
arguing that plaintiff's culpable conduct caused or contributed in hooleor
in part to their injuries or damages. The City of
(22:46):
New York still settled the case for twenty five thousand dollars.
An infant allegedly frisked and handcuffed an infant. We don't
have an exact age for this Rebecca Quaves, other than
she was an infant. The house seat the fascist running
Esposito four is currently held by Pat Ryan, who is
(23:08):
a human being. But if you want to go and
make a joke about how the Republicans are interested in
babies until they're born and then afterwards they're going to
stop and frisk them, go right ahead. The runner up
worser RFK Junior. Sure he tried to get Trump to
give him a cabinet spot in exchange for dropping out
(23:28):
and endorsing Trump, and when that didn't work, sure he
tried to get in to see Kamala with the same offer.
So basically, the RFK campaign is an extortion racket. No. No,
but this is not about RFK Junior, per se. This
is about Kristin Davis, not the great actress from Sex
in the City, but a different Kristin Davis, who was
(23:51):
the former Manhattan Madam. Radar reported last week not O'Reilly
the magazine that she was working as an advisor to
a Kennedy pack. She went to jail for her Manhattan
Madam era stuff. Now David Corn at Mother Jones reports
what she has been advising RFK on. No, it's not
(24:13):
about keeping your fly unzipped while you pose for a
photograph with a dead bear you may or may not
have stabbed. No, it's using artificial intelligence to exploit the
data on your phone and my phone and use it
to determine if and how RFK should send you political advertising.
(24:33):
Just quote Korn's piece to utilize AI technology to create
custom messaging and personalized marketing campaigns working off mobile advertiser
ID numbers. A mobile advertising ID or made is a
unique identifier that is assigned to each mobile device. As
Davis explains it, everything you do on your cell phone
(24:54):
is monitored by the provider, what you read, what you
listen to, what you purchase. There are companies that take
that data and use AI to create profiles of the users.
They know You're attitudes, values, and beliefs based on data
from your cell phone provider. For instance, what Facebook groups
you are part of?
Speaker 2 (25:14):
So?
Speaker 1 (25:14):
Am I missing something here? The RFK hired this woman
to scrape your private phone data. Ms Davis insists it
was not hard to switch fields. I've been working in
politics for fifteen years, she tells David Corn. My former
business was far more honest. You knew what was involved
in the transaction. In politics, everyone is for sale and
(25:36):
you don't know what the price is. Is this where
the JV Vans quote about having skin in the game
comes into play? But our winner is the worst Your
New York Mets who finished their series against the Oakland
and or Sacramento and or Las Vegas climate change victim
(25:58):
athletics with a day game yesterday. Every ball games now
seemingly every ball game has a ceremonial first pitch. Somebody
trots out to the mound or near it, wearing a
shirt with the team's name on it, and throws a pitch.
And sometimes it's funny because they throw it wrong and
it winds out on the dugout, and other times it's
(26:18):
funny because they throw it wrong and it hits the
photographer in the private parts. Yesterday, the Mets had a
ceremonial first pitch that was done by a woman they
described as a viral sensation named Hailey Welch. Who's Hailey Welch.
(26:40):
Hailey Welch is best known by her sort of self assigned, inadvertent,
unplanned nickname of Hawk Tua. If you don't know Hailey
Welch or Hawk Tua, I'm not gonna tell you, but
you can look it up. While this audio of hawk
(27:00):
Tua's first pitch plays in the background, it is customed
to have a player or coach catch the ceremonial first pitch,
but oddly enough for the Mets yesterday, Hawk to a
(27:23):
lady did not throw her first pitch to a player
because all the players are too smart for that. You
don't want to catch anything from hawk to A. So
her friend, I think her friend from the Hawk to
a video caught the pitch, and then they ran up
towards each other and chest bumped. And all I can
(27:44):
say is just remember Baseball's rules are explicit about this.
The pitcher is not allowed to touch their fingers to
their mouth while on the mound. But the Mets now
know who to turn to if ever they are in
a blowout. And I assume she threw a spitball, New York,
(28:09):
get your last les in with the Hawk to a woman,
Mets two days, worst persons in the world. Could you
get anybody out? We need relief fetching whoa I'll will beat?
She must come cheap, she must come cheap to the
(28:44):
number one story on the Countdown. And since it is
the weekend edition, it's time for some James Thurber. The
Catbird Seat combines two of my all time favorite things,
Thurber and baseball broadcasting. As Thurber will reveal in the story,
the title comes from a catchphrase used by the Brooklyn
Dodgers legendary announcer Red Barber, the man who trained Vin
(29:05):
Scully and is my late friend Vin's only true competition
for greatest baseball play by playing man of all time.
I met Red Barber. Once I interviewed him for CNN.
He called me Keith throughout the interview. I was so starstruck.
It's pretty much all I remember from the interview. Anyway,
Bert Lancaster bought the movie rights to this story and
(29:28):
he got Billy Wilder to commit to direct it. Well,
how come you've never heard of this perfect sounding film,
The Catbird Seat, directed by Billy Wilder. They sold the
rights and in nineteen sixty the film was made, but
they relocated it from Manhattan to Scotland, starring Peter Sellers
(29:49):
dressed up as an old man as mister Martin. It's
okay unless you've read the story or had it read
to you from the Thurber Carnival nineteen forty five, The
Catbird Seat by James Thurber. Mister Martin bought the pack
(30:09):
of camels on Monday night in the most crowded cigar
store on Broadway. It was theater time, and seven or
eight men were buying cigarettes. The clerk didn't even glance
at mister Martin, who put the pack in his overcoat
pocket and went out. If any of the staff at
F and S had seen him buy the cigarettes, they
would have been astonished. For it was generally known that
(30:31):
mister Martin did not smoke, and never had. No one
saw him. It was just a week to the day
since mister Martin had decided to rub out missus old
Jean Barrows. The term rub out pleased him because it
suggested nothing more than the correction of an error, in
(30:53):
this case, an error of mister Fitweiler. Mister Martin had
spent each night of the past week working out his
plan and examining it as he walked home. Now he
went over it again for the hundredth time. He resented
the element of imprecision, the margin of guesswork that entered
into the business. The project, as he had worked it out,
(31:16):
was casual and bold. The risks were considerable. Something might
go wrong anywhere along the line, and therein lay the
cunning of his scheme. No one would ever see in
the cautious, painstaking hand of Irwin Martin, head of the
filing department at F and S, of whom mister Fitweiler
(31:37):
had once said, man is fallible, but Martin isn't. No
one would see his hand, that is, unless he were
caught in the act, sitting in his apartment drinking a
glass of milk. Mister Martin reviewed his case against missus
Old Jean Barrows, as he had every night for seven nights.
(32:02):
He began at the beginning, backing voice and braying laugh.
Had first profaned the halls of fns on March seventh,
nineteen forty one. Mister Martin had a head for dates.
Old Roberts, the personnel chief, had introduced her as the
newly appointed special advisor to the president of the firm,
(32:23):
mister Fitweiler. The woman had appalled mister Martin instantly, but
he had not shown it. He had given her his
dry hand, a look of studious concentration in a faint smile. Well,
she said, looking at the papers on his desk, are
you lifting the ox cart out of the ditch. As
(32:44):
mister Martin recalled that moment over his milk, he squirmed slightly.
He must keep his mind on her crimes as a
special advisor, not on her peccadillos as a personality. This
he found difficult to do. In spite of entering an
objection and sustaining it. The faults of the woman as
a woman kept chattering on in his mind like an
(33:05):
unruly witness. She had for almost two years now, baited
him in the halls, in the elevator, even in his
own office, into which she romped now and then like
a circus horse. She was constantly shouting these silly questions
at him. Are you lefting the ox cart out of
(33:26):
the ditch? Are you tearing up the pea patch? Are
you hollering down the rain barrel? Are you scraping around
the bottom of the pickle barrel? Are you sitting in
the cat married seat. It was Joey Hart, one of
mister Martin's two assistants, who had explained what the gibberish meant.
(33:49):
She must be a Dodger fan, he had said, Red
Bob announces the Dodger games over the radio, and he
uses these expressions, picked them up down south. Joey had
gone on to explain one or two, tearing up the
pea patch meant going on a rampage, Sitting in the
catbirds seat meant sitting pretty like a batter with three
(34:11):
balls and no strikes on him. Mister Martin dismissed all
this with an effort. It had been annoying, it had
driven him near to distraction, but he was too solid
a man to be moved to murder by anything so childish.
It was unfortunate, he reflected, as he passed on to
the important charges against Missus Barrows, that he had stood
(34:34):
up under it so well. He had maintained always an
outward appearance of polite tolerance. Why I even believe you
like the woman Mispaired, his other assistant, had once said
to him. He had simply smiled a gavel wrapped in
mister Martin's mind, and the case proper was resumed. Missus
(34:55):
Aul Jean Barrows stood charged with wilful, platant and persistent
attempts to destroy the efficiency and system of fn S.
It was confident material and relevant to review her advent
and rise to power. Mister Martin had got the story
from Miss Paired, who seemed always able to find things out.
(35:16):
According to her, Missus Barrows had met mister Fitweller at
a party where she had rescued him from the embraces
of a powerfully built, drunken man who had mistaken the
president of F and S for a famous retired middle
Western football coach. She had led him to a sofa
and somehow worked upon him a monstrous magic. The aging
(35:41):
gentleman had jumped to the conclusion there and then that
this was a woman of singular attainments, equipped to bring
out the best in him and in the firm. A
week later he had introduced her into F and S
as his special adviser. On that day, confusion got its
(36:02):
foot in the door. After miss Tyson, mister Brundage and
mister Bartlett had been fired and mister Munson had taken
his hat and stalked out mailing. In his resignation letter,
Old Roberts had been emboldened to speak to mister Fitweiler.
He mentioned that mister Munson's department had become a little disrupted,
and hadn't they perhaps better resumed the old system there.
(36:26):
Mister Fitwiler had said, certainly not. He had the greatest
faith in missus Barrow's ideas. They require a little seasoning.
Little seasoning is all, he had added. Mister Roberts had
given it up. Mister Martin reviewed in detail all the
changes wrought by missus Barrows. She'd begun chipping at the
cornices of the firm's edifice, and now she was swinging
(36:49):
at the foundation stones with a pickaxe. Mister Martin came
now in his summing up to the afternoon of Monday,
November two, nineteen forty two, just one week ago. On
that day, at three pm, missus Barrow's had bounced into
his office. Boo, she had yelled, Are you scraping around
(37:09):
the bottom of the pickle barrel? Mister Martin had looked
at her from under his green eye shade, saying nothing.
She had begun to wander about the office, taking it
in with her great popping eyes. Do you really need
all these filing cabinets, she had demanded. Suddenly, mister Martin's
(37:30):
heart had jumped each of these files, he had said,
keeping his voice even plays an indispensable part in the
system of f and s. She had brayed at him,
well don't tear up the pea patch, and gone to
the door. From there she had bawled, but you sure
have got a lot of fine scrap in here. Mister
(37:55):
Martin could no longer doubt that the finger was on
his beloved department. Her pickaxe was on the upswing poison
for the first blow. It had not come yet. He
had received no blue memo from the enchanted mister Fitweler,
bearing nonsensical instructions deriving from this obscene woman. But there
(38:17):
was no doubt in mister Martin's mind that one would
be forthcoming. He must act quickly. Already a precious week
had gone by. Mister Martin stood up in his living room,
still holding his milk glass. Gentleman of the jury, he
said to himself, I demand the death penalty for this
(38:39):
horrible person. The next day, mister Martin followed his routine
as usual. He polished his glasses more often and once
sharpened and already sharp pencil. But not even mispaired noticed.
Only once did he catch sight of his victim. She
swept past him in the hall with the patronizing Hai.
(38:59):
At five point thirty. He walked home as usual and
had a glass of milk as usual. He had never
drunk anything stronger in his life, unless you could count
ginger Ale. The late Sam Schlosser, the s of F
and S had praised mister Martin at a staff meeting
several years before for his temperate habits. One of our
(39:20):
most efficient workers. Neither drinks nor smokes, he had said,
the results speak for themselves. Mister Fitweller had sat by,
nodding approval. Mister Martin was still thinking about that red
letter day, as he walked over to the Shafts restaurant
on Fifth Avenue near forty sixth Street. He got there
as he always did, at eight o'clock. He finished his
(39:41):
dinner and the financial page of the New York Sun
quartered at to nine. As he always did, It was
his custom after dinner to take a walk. This time
he walked down Fifth Avenue at a casual place. His
gloved hands felt moist and warm, his forehead cold. He
transferred the camels from his overcoat to a jacket pocket.
(40:01):
He wondered as he did so, if they did not
represent an unnecessary note of strain. Missus Barrows smoked only luckies.
It was his idea to puff a few puffs on
a camel after the rubbing out, stub it out in
the ashtray, holding her lipstick, saying luckies, and thus drag
(40:22):
a small red herring across the trail. Perhaps it was
not a good idea. It would take time. He might
even choke too loudly. Mister Martin had never seen the
house on West twelfth Street where Missus Barrows lived, but
he had a clear enough picture of it. Fortunately, she
had bragged to everybody about her decky first floor apartment
(40:46):
in the perfectly darling three story red brick. There would
be no doorman or other attendants, just the tenants of
the second and third floors. As he walked along, mister
Martin realized that he would get there before nine to thirty.
He had considered walking north on Fifth Avenue from Shrafts
to a point from which it would take him until
(41:06):
ten o'clock to reach the house. At that hour people
were less likely to be coming in or going out,
But the procedure would have made an awkward loop in
the straight thread of his casualness, and he had abandoned it.
It was impossible to figure when people would be entering
or leaving the house anyway, there was a great risk
at any hour if he ran into anybody, he would
(41:27):
simply have to place the rubbing out of old Jean
Barrows in the inactive file forever. The same thing would
hold true if there was someone in her apartment. In
that case, he would just say that he had been
passing by, recognized her charming house, and thought to drop in.
It was eighteen minutes after nine when mister Martin turned
(41:49):
into twelfth Straight. A man passed him and a man
and a woman talking. There was no one within fifty paces.
When he came to the house halfway down the block.
He was up the steps and in the small vestibule,
and no time pressing the bell under the card that
said Missus ol Jean Arrows. When the clicking in the
lock started, he jumped forward against the door. He got
inside fast, closing the door behind him. A bulb in
(42:11):
a lantern hung from the hall ceiling on a chain
seemed to give a monstrously bright light. There was nobody
on the stair which went up ahead of him along
the left wall. A door opened down the hall on
the wall on the right. He went toward it swiftly
on tiptoe. Now, for God's sakes, look who's here? Bawled
Missus Barrows, and her braining laugh rang out like the
(42:34):
report of a shotgun. He rushed past her like a
football attacker, bumping her. Hey, quit shoving, she said, closing
the door behind them. They were in her living room,
which seemed to mister Martin to be lighted by a
hundred lamps. What's after you, she said, Here's jumpy as
a goat. He found he was unable to speak. His
(42:57):
heart was wheezing in his throat. I yes, he finally
brought out. He was jabbering and laughing as she started
to help him off with his coat. No, no, he said,
I'll put it here. He took it off and put
it on a chair near the door. Your hat and
gloves too, She said, you're in a lady's house. He
(43:20):
put his hat on top of the coat. Missus Barrows
seemed larger than he had thought. He kept his gloves on.
I was passing by, he said, I recognized. Is there
anyone here? She laughed louder than ever. No, she said,
(43:40):
we're all alone. You're white as a sheet, you funny man,
whatever has come over you. I'll mix you a toddy.
She started toward a door across the room. Scotch and
so to be all right, But say you don't drink,
do you? She turned and gave him her amused look.
Mister Martin pulled himself together. Scotch and soda will be
(44:01):
all right, he heard himself say. He could hear her
laughing in the kitchen. Mister Martin looked quickly around the
living room for the weapon he had counted on finding one.
There there were and irons and a poker and something
in a corner that looked like an Indian club. None
of them would do it, couldn't be that way. He
began to pace around. He came to a desk. On
(44:24):
it lay a metal paper knife with an ornate handle.
Would it be sharp enough? He reached for it and
knocked over a small brass jar. Stamps spilled out of
it and fell onto the floor with a clatter. Hey,
missus Barrows, yelled from the kitchen. Are you tearing up
the pea patch? Mister Martin gave a strange laugh. Picking
(44:45):
up the knife, he tried its point against his left wrist.
It was blunt. It wouldn't do. When Missus Barrows reappeared
carrying two high balls, mister Martin, standing there with his
gloves on, became acutely conscious of the fantasy. He had
wrought cigarettes in his pocket, a drink prepared for him.
(45:07):
It was all too grossly improbable. It was more than that,
it was impossible. Somewhere in the back of his mind
a vague idea stirred sprouted. For Heaven's sake, take off
those gloves, said Missus Barrows. I always wear them in
(45:30):
the house, said mister Martin. The idea began to bloom
strange and wonderful. She put the glasses on a coffee
table in front of a sofa and sat on the sofa.
Come over here, you odd little man, she said. Mister
Martin went over and sat beside her. It was difficult
(45:50):
getting a cigarette out of the pack of camels, but
he managed it. She held a match for him. Laughing well,
she said, handing him his drink. This is perfectly marvelous,
you with a drink and a cigarette. Mister Martin puffed,
not too awkwardly, and took a gulp of the highball.
(46:11):
I drink and smoke all the time, he said. He
clinked his glass against hers. Here's nuts to that old
wind bag fit whiler, he said, and gulped again. The
stuff tasted awful, but he made no grimace. Really, mister Martin,
she said, her voice and posture changing. You are insulting
our employer. Missus Barrows was now all special advisor to
(46:37):
the President. I am preparing a bomb, said mister Martin,
which will blow the old goat higher than hell. He
had only had a little of the drink, which was
not strong. It couldn't be that. Do you take dope
or something, missus Barrows asked coldly. Heroine said, mister Martin,
(46:58):
I'll be coked to the gills when I bumped that
old buzzard off. Mister Martin, she shouted, getting to her feet,
that will be all of that. You must go at once.
Mister Martin took another swallow of the drink. He tapped
his cigarette out in the ash tray and put the
pack of camels on the coffee table. Then he got up.
She stood glaring at him. He walked over and put
(47:21):
on his hat and coat. Not a word about this,
he said, and laid an index finger against his lips.
All missus Barrows could bring out was a really Mister
Martin put his hand on the doorknob. I'm sitting in
the catbird's seat, he said. He stuck his tongue out
(47:42):
at her, and left. Nobody saw him go Mister Martin
got to his apartment walking well before eleven. No one
saw him go in. He had two glasses of milk
after brushing his teeth, and he felt elated. It wasn't tipsy,
in is because he hadn't been tipsy anyway. The walk
(48:03):
had worn off all off of the whiskey. He got
in bed and read a magazine for a while. He
was asleep before midnight. Mister Martin got to the office
at eight point thirty the next morning as usual. At
a quarter to nine, Old Jean Barrows, who had never
before arrived at work before ten, swept into his office.
I'm reparting to mister Fitwailer now, she shouted. If he
(48:25):
turns you over to the police, it's no more than
you deserve. Mister Martin gave her a look of shocked surprise.
I beg your pardon, he said. Missus Barrow snorted and
bounced out of the room, leaving Miss Paird and Joey
Hart staring after her. What's the matter with that old
devil now, asked Miss Paired. I have no idea, said
(48:48):
mister Martin, resuming his work. The other two looked at him,
and then at each other. Miss Paired got up and
went out. She walked slowly past the closed door of
mister Fitwiler's office. Missus Barrows was yelling inside, but she
was not brain. Miss Paired could not hear what the
woman was saying. She went back to her desk. Forty
(49:09):
five minutes later, Missus Barrows left the President's office and
went into her own, shutting the door. It wasn't until
half an hour later that mister Fitweiler sent for mister Martin,
the head of the filing department. Neat quiet, attentive, stood
in front of the old man's desk. Mister Fitweiler was
pale and nervous. He took his glasses off and twiddled them.
(49:30):
He made a small ruffing sound in his throat. Martin,
he said, you have been with us more than twenty years.
Twenty two, sir, said mister Martin. In that time pursued
the President. Your work and your manner have been exemplary.
(49:51):
I trust so, sir, said mister Martin. I have understood, Martin,
said mister Fitwaller, that you have never taken a drink
or smoked. That is correct, sir, said mister Martin. H Yeah, yes,
mister Fitwiler polished his glasses. You may describe what you
did after leaving the office yesterday, Martin, he said, certainly, sir,
(50:15):
he said. I walked home. Then I went to Shrafts
for dinner. Afterward, I walked home again. I went to
bed early, sir, and read a magazine for a while
I was asleep before eleven. Ah. Yes, said mister Fitwiler. Again.
He was silent for a moment, searching for the proper
words to say to the head of the filing department,
(50:37):
Missus Barrows. He said finally, Missus Barrows has worked hard, Martin,
very hard. It brings me to report, but she has
suffered a severe breakdown. It has taken the form of
a persecution complex accompanied by distressing hallucinations. I'm very sorry, sir,
(50:58):
said mister Martin. Missus Barrows is under the delusion, continued
mister Fitwiler, that you visited her last evening and behaved
yourself in an unseemly manner. He raised his hand to
silence mister Martin's little, pained outcry. It is the nature
of these psychological diseases, mister Fitwiler said, to fix upon
(51:22):
the least likely and most innocent party as the source
of persecution. These matters are not for the lay mind
to grasp. Martin. I've just had my psychiatrist, doctor Fitch,
on the phone. He would not, of course commit himself,
but he made enough generalizations to substantiate my suspicions. I
(51:43):
suggested to missus Barrows when she had completed her story
to me this morning, that she visited doctor Fitch for
I suspected a condition. Whats that she flew, I regret
to say, into a rage and demanded requested that I
call you on the carpet. You may not know, Martin,
(52:06):
but Missus Barrows had planned a reorganization of your department,
subject to my approval. Of course, subject to my approval.
This brought you, rather than anyone else to her mind.
But again that is a phenomenon for doctor Fitch and
not for us. So Martin, I'm afraid Missus Barrow's usefulness
(52:26):
here is at an end. I'm dreadfully sorry, sir, said
mister Martin. It was at this point that the door
to the office blew open with the suddenness of a
gas main explosion, and Missus Barrow's catapulted through. It is
the little rad denying it, she screamed. He can't get
(52:46):
away with that. Mister Martin got up and moved discreetly
to a point beside mister Fitwiler's chair. You drank and
smoked at my apartment, she bawled at mister Martin, and
you know it. You called mister Fitwailer an old wind
bag and said you were gonna blow him up when
you got coked to your gills on your head Heroin.
(53:07):
She stopped yelling to catch her breath, and a new
glint came into her popping eyes. If you weren't set
to drab, ordinary, little man, she said, I'd think you'd
planned it all, sticking your tongue out, saying you were
sitting in the cat buried seat because you thought no
one would believe me when I told it. My god,
(53:27):
it's really too perfect. She brayed loudly and hysterically, and
the fury was on her again. She glared at mister Fitwiler.
Can't you see how he has checked us, you old fool.
Can't you see his little game? But mister Fitwiler had
been surreptitiously pressing all the buttons under the top of
(53:48):
his desk, and employees of fn S began pouring into
the room. Stockton said, Missus Fitchwiler, you and Fishbine will
take missus Barrows to her home. Missus Powell, you will
go with them. Stockton, who had played a little football
in high school, blocked Missus Barrows as she made for
mister Martin. It took him and fish Mine together to
(54:08):
force her out of the door into the hall crowded
with stenographers and office boys. She was still screaming imprecations
at mister Martin, tangled and contradictory imprecations. The hubbub finally
died out down the corridor. I regret that this has happened,
said mister Fitweiler. I shall ask you to dismiss it
(54:31):
from your mind. Martin, Yes, sir, said mister Martin, anticipating
his chiefs, that will be all. By moving to the door,
I will dismiss it. He went out and shut the door,
and his step was light and quick in the hall.
When he entered his department, he had slowed down to
(54:53):
his customary gate, and he walked quietly across the room
to the double twenty file, wearing a look of studious centration.
(55:18):
The Catbird Seat by James Thurber. I've done all the
damn and Jack can do here. Thank you for listening.
Please share this podcast with somebody who does not listen
to it. The ratings are on the rise, and as
an exhibitionist, I need the largest audience I can get.
By the way I have a correction to Thursday's podcast
(55:39):
when Fox fired me in two thousand and one and
the guy from Sports Illustrated wrote the article about how
my career was over twenty three and a half years
ago and he's retired since, and I'm still doing this.
Fox tried to get me to blow myself up publicly
by attacking them so they didn't have to pay off
the rest of my contract. And for some reason, in
(56:01):
retelling this yesterday, I said they had to pay me
one hundred thousand dollars year went In fact, they had
to pay me one hundred thousand dollars a month, most
of which I still have. Thank you, So I'm sorry
God for the money for the error anyway. Brian Ray
and John Phillip Shanelle, the musical directors have Countdown, have arranged,
(56:21):
produced and performed most of our music today. Mister Chanale
handled orchestration and keyboards. Mister Ray was on the guitars,
bass and drums. It was produced by Tko Brothers. Our
satirical and pithy musical comments are by the best baseball
stadium organist ever, Nancy Faust. Sports music is the Olberman
theme from ESPN two, written by Mitch Warren, Davis Curtesy
(56:42):
of ESPN, Inc. Other music arranged and performed by the
group No Horns Allowed. My announcer today is my friend
John Dean, and everything else was pretty much my fault.
So that's countdown for this the eighty second day until
the twenty twenty four presidential election, the one three hundred
and seventeenth day since convicted felon dementia J Trump's first
(57:04):
attempted who against the democratically elected government of the United States.
Use the September eighteenth sentencing hearing. Use the mental health system.
You have this available to you now, President Biden, use
presidential immunity to stop him from doing it again. While
we still hawk to a can and anti Semitic, anti immigration,
(57:28):
gun nut Republicans, please stop shooting at Trump. The next
scheduled countdown is Tuesday. Bulletins as the news requires until
the next one. I'm Keith Olrumman. Good morning, good afternoon, goodnight,
and good luck. Countdown with Keith Olderman is a production
(57:59):
of iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from iHeartRadio, visit the iHeartRadio app,
Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
Host
Keith Olbermann
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