National Grandparents Day! Grand Old Dad Jokes here! 10 September 2023

Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
The Russian President's great grandparents didn't use their toilet during
the war. They had to use the poutin.

Speaker 2 (00:13):
My grandmother was eighty percent Irish. Her name was Iris.

Speaker 1 (00:27):
Well. My grandmother was eighty percent Irish and twenty percent Guinness.

Speaker 2 (00:39):
Why dose Will Smith like green apples because it reminds
him of his granny Smith.

Speaker 1 (00:48):
My great grandparents immigrated to America from a brutal authoritarian dictatorship.
They had no rights, so they left.

Speaker 2 (01:01):
I've written a children's book about Goldilocks, who grew up
and steals things from her grandparents, Goldilocks and the Forebears.

Speaker 1 (01:13):
My grandparents used to love coming up to me at
weddings poking me in the chest saying you're next, but
they stopped after I started doing the same to them
at funerals.

Speaker 2 (01:26):
I've got diarrhea, my dad's got diarrhea, and my grandparents
have diarrhea runs in the family.

Speaker 1 (01:39):
My grandparents are bad with computers. They shoved a pill
in it when it had a virus.

Speaker 2 (01:49):
Shout out to my grandparents because that's the only way
they can hear me.

Speaker 1 (01:55):
My wife told our friends that the grandfather clock we
inherited from her grandparents doesn't. I chimed in with they
ran out of time.

Speaker 2 (02:10):
Your grandparents are planning their funeral arrangements in advance. Grandma
wants to be transported in a horse and carriage. Grandpa
wants a Ferrari. Setting up to be a real race
to the finish, but I think Grandpa is winning this one.

Speaker 1 (02:25):
My grandparents have been married for sixty five years. Grandpa
said he's ready to retire from it.

Speaker 2 (02:35):
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married
for more than sixty years. It was a Soviet union.

Speaker 1 (02:47):
What type of underwear makes a good Christmas present for
your grandparents boxers, briefs, whitey tinies will depends?

Speaker 2 (03:03):
What do you call an online app that quickly sends
you a grandparent based on a photo? Instagram?

Speaker 1 (03:18):
I asked my grandmother how she is enjoying her new stairlift.
She said, it's driving her up the wall.

Speaker 2 (03:31):
My grandmother was famous all over town for growing delicious strawberries.
She made me promise that when she died, I would
plant her strawberries on her grave so that people could
enjoy them when they visited. When she passed away, I
fulfilled my promise. She's dead and buried.

Speaker 1 (03:55):
Visited my grandmother on her deathbed last night. Her last
words were, wish I'd bought a normal bed.

Speaker 2 (04:06):
At the age of sixty five, my grandmother started walking
five miles a day. She's ninety two now, and we
have no idea where she is.

Speaker 1 (04:23):
I received a phone call il today that the cemetery
crew had buried my poor grandmother in the completely wrong plot.
I sternly told them, you've made a grave mistake.

Speaker 2 (04:37):
When my grandmother died, I sprinkled fresh cut herbs on
her body. Nobody found it funny. I was told comedy
was tragedy. Plus time.

Speaker 1 (04:52):
My young daughter has her grandmother's eyes. She uses them
to play marbles.

Speaker 2 (05:04):
I would tell you a joke I told my grandmother,
but that joke is getting kind of old.

Speaker 1 (05:13):
My ninety five year old grandmother is amazing. She still
doesn't use glasses. She drinks straight from the bottle.

Speaker 2 (05:24):
My Polish grandmother used to perform for a ballet company.
It was always awkward listening to her pole dancing stories.

Speaker 1 (05:33):
We didn't know if we wanted to cremate or bury
my grandmother, so we let her live.

Speaker 2 (05:43):
Did you know my grandmother wrote a jingle for a
famous sewing machine company. She was a singer songwriter.

Speaker 1 (05:55):
My grandmother told me to leave the sage leaves hole
when putting them in the roasting dish. This was sage advice.

Speaker 2 (06:06):
I asked my kids if they liked my grandmother. They
said she's a great grandmother.

Speaker 1 (06:17):
I inherited my grandmother's sewing machine and I haven't been
able to stop using it. The wife says, I need
a break, but I can't because I'm so busy.

Speaker 2 (06:32):
My grandmother had to close down her clock reinforcement business
due to the pandemic tough times.

Speaker 1 (06:43):
My grandmother gave away her antiques for free. She said
it's because they were priceless.

Speaker 2 (06:52):
My grandfather was terrible, but then I had my first child.
Then he became a great grandfather.

Speaker 1 (07:02):
My favorite childhood memory was building sandcastles with my grandfather.
Then my mother took the urn away.

Speaker 2 (07:13):
My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a
lifetime banned from the zoo.

Speaker 1 (07:22):
On his diathbid, my grandfather said, remember these two words,
It'll open a lot of doors for you in life.
Push and pull.

Speaker 2 (07:37):
My grandfather died because the report said he had Type
A blood. Unfortunately it was a type.

Speaker 1 (07:42):
OH My grandfather keeps telling us that when he dies,
we should try to convert his ashes into a diamond.
That's a lot of pressure.

Speaker 2 (07:57):
My great grandfather took down the most Nazi planes in
all of the Second World War. He was the worst
mechanic in the entire German air Force.

Speaker 1 (08:10):
My grandfather always said, don't be so quick to find faults.
Wonderful man, terrible geologist.

Speaker 2 (08:21):
My grandfather just kicked the bucket right before. He said
to me, I wonder how far I can kick this bucket.

Speaker 1 (08:31):
My late grandfather was a dwarf. He lived a short life.

Speaker 2 (08:37):
I was named after my grandfather about sixty years after.

Speaker 1 (08:43):
My grandfather was a baker in the army. He went
in all bonds lazing.

Speaker 2 (08:53):
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather,
not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Speaker 1 (09:06):
Why is it so hard to eat, grandfather clocks because
it's time consuming.

Speaker 2 (09:17):
I went on ancestry dot Com and found out that
my great grandfather was from Transylvania. Now I can't even
look at myself in the mirror.

Speaker 1 (09:27):
My grandfather got in trouble for warning people that the
Titanic would sink. They kicked him out of the theater
for it.

Speaker 2 (09:38):
I'll never forget my grandpa's last words, stop shaking the latter,
I am gonna fall.

Speaker 1 (09:49):
My grandpa, who lived a nomadic life, always used to
say a journey of one thousand miles begins with a
single step.

Speaker 2 (10:00):
Grandma doesn't reminisce about the men she dated before meeting Grandpa,
except for this one Latino man who one day mysteriously disappeared.
He was the one who got away.

Speaker 1 (10:15):
We just found out from my grandpa's well that all
his assets are frozen. We have no idea why he
bought so many DVDs of that movie.

Speaker 2 (10:27):
Grandpa's health wasn't doing so well, so we covered him
with butter. After that, he went downhill very quickly.

Speaker 1 (10:39):
My grandpa swears that his wife has a long appendage
right above her bottom. That's just an old wife's.

Speaker 2 (10:44):
Tale, Grandpa. Who's the guy with you wearing skinny jeans
and eating avocado toast? That's my hip replacement.

Speaker 1 (11:03):
My grandma went for her driver's license dist and she
passed my condolences to the instructor's family.

Speaker 2 (11:17):
What did the guy from Brazil tell his grandma on
her birthday? Wishing you are Brazilian years of joy and prosperity.

Speaker 1 (11:27):
My grandma just broke up with her heavy middle boyfriend.
I guess you can say she is off her rocker.

Speaker 2 (11:37):
Grandma's lasagna is pretty cheesy, But do you know what's
even cheesier this joke.

Speaker 1 (11:47):
Grandma's teeth are like the stars. They come out at night.

Speaker 2 (11:56):
My grandma fell into a barrel of vodka and rum,
and now she's don't worry, she's in good spirits.

Speaker 1 (12:09):
How did Grandma know it was autumn? She had a
false sensor.

Speaker 2 (12:19):
No one believes me that my grandma grows her own apples.
That's why I call them Granny's myth.

Speaker 1 (12:29):
My mom told me when I visit Grandma in hospital,
I should take her flowers. So when Grandma wasn't looking,
I took them.

Speaker 2 (12:40):
My Grandma died whilst looking for me in a game
of hide and seek. It's her cremation. Today, she's getting warmer.

Speaker 1 (12:51):
What do you call it when two nanas are traveling
in the same direction but never meet a paralleligrin.

Speaker 2 (13:04):
A lad ask, says Granny, have you seen my pills?
They were labeled LSD. Granny replied, never mind, the pills
have you seen the dragons in the kitchen. I'm Bob Jeffey.

Speaker 1 (13:24):
And I'm Montgomery Jones. And that's the old timey dad
jokes for National Grandparents' Day. We're on a mission to
spread the laughs and groans far and wide, so please
do us a favor and share just one of these
jokes with your family and friends. Thanks. Hey, listeners, want

(13:46):
to get smarter in less than ten minutes, then check
the Daily Facts podcast that brings you interesting and surprising
facts from around the world every day. Did you know
that the longest recorded flight of a chicken lasted for
thirteen seconds, or that there's a species of jellyfish that
can essentially live forever. With the Daily Facts podcast, you'll

(14:06):
learn something new and fascinating with every episode. Tune in
daily and impress your friends with your newfound knowledge. Listen
now on your favorite podcast platform.

Speaker 2 (14:20):
Do you have your own dad joke you want to share?
Join the hundreds of listeners who have submitted their own
dad jokes through our voicemail. Please spread the laughs and
groans and submit your own dad joke to our voicemail
with the best ones to be included in special fan episodes.
Just leave your name the city and state you live in,
and your best dad joke. Call nine seven eight three
nine three one zero seven six. I'll repeat that number.

(14:43):
It's nine seven eight three nine three one zero seven six,
or check the show notes page for the number. We
look forward to hearing from you.

Speaker 1 (14:51):
The Daily Dad Jokes podcast is produced by Classic Studios.
See the show notes page for social media links and
Joe credits. This show was recorded in front of a
Cannes studio audience

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Daily Dad Jokes (10 Sep 2023)

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.css-14f5ked{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:2;overflow:hidden;}National Grandparents Day! Grand Old Dad Jokes here! 10 September 2023