Devale's Man Cave with Nice & Neat podcast

While a lot of people think that men can't be faithful, we found four faithful Black men saying it doesn't serve them not to be. In this episode, Devale talks with the hosts of the Nice & Neat Podcast, Duke Inehacho, Omar Bolden and Jalon Webster, about why they chose monogamy. Dead Ass.

See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Why is monogamy important.

Speaker 2 (00:02):
I'll tell you why, because I believe monogamy helps me
be disciplined.

Speaker 1 (00:09):
Deadass.

Speaker 3 (00:12):
Hey, I'm Kadeen and I'm Devoued and we're the Ellis's.

Speaker 1 (00:16):
You may know us from posting funny videos with our
voys and reading each other publicly as a form of therapy. Wait,
I make you need therapy most days. Wow. Oh, and
one more important thing to mention, we're married, Yes, sir,
we are.

Speaker 2 (00:30):
We created this podcast to open dialogue about some of
li's most taboo topics, things.

Speaker 4 (00:35):
Most folks don't want to talk about.

Speaker 2 (00:37):
Through the lens of a millennial married couple. Dead ass
is a term that we say every day. So when
we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts one hundred
the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Were about to take philosof to our whole new level.

Speaker 3 (00:53):
Dead Ass starts right now.

Speaker 1 (00:58):
Storytime.

Speaker 2 (00:59):
Back in then, I believe it was twenty nineteen, Kadeen
and I dropped a podcast about monogamy and it went viral.

Speaker 1 (01:09):
I was canceled on Twitter for about three days.

Speaker 2 (01:12):
I didn't know because I don't have a Twitter, or
at the time, I didn't have a Twitter, but I
have a Twitter now, and I don't really tweet that much.
But the podcast went viral and everybody took a sixty
minute conversation, boiled it down to a thirty second clip,
and then created their own ideas and narrative not only
about me as a person and my wife as a person,

(01:34):
but about us as a union. And what I learned
from that moment is that conversation was probably the most
healthiest conversation that me and my wife.

Speaker 1 (01:42):
Have had to date. And I'll tell you why.

Speaker 2 (01:48):
Karaoke I'm here with four brothers. Well, I'm here with
three brothers. I'm the fourth brother. Four Brothers is actually
one of my favorite movies. Shout out to John Singleton.
But uh, this song I'm gonna see if y'all know it,
y'all can jump in at any time if you want to.
We're brothers, we're happy, and we're singing, and we're color.

Speaker 1 (02:09):
Give me a hive, five beautiful guys, Dona Maya. Now
I'm gonna tell ya real quick why I chose that song.

Speaker 2 (02:17):
I chose that song because the Wayne's brothers chose that
song for particular reason. They did not want to be
Blackfaced when they decided to do their own show. And
one of the biggest reason why I followed you guys
is because I felt like you were the exact opposite
of blackface when I listened to the podcast.

Speaker 1 (02:35):
We're gonna pay some bills.

Speaker 2 (02:37):
I gonna introduce you guys to my guests who need
no introduction when we get right back.

Speaker 1 (02:44):
We're back, so let me do a quick introduction of
my guests over here.

Speaker 2 (02:48):
All right, y'all already know a couple of you guys
and ladies because I was introduced by my wife to
the hosts of the Nice and Knee podcast.

Speaker 1 (02:56):
We got Duke, we got Omar, we got Jalan.

Speaker 2 (02:59):
I like to call them d OJ, righty DJ Department
of Justice.

Speaker 1 (03:05):
Okay, y'all represent this very well. Okay, see how I
did that? You started something. But seriously, y'all, do represent
us well.

Speaker 2 (03:16):
I watched hours of your content by accident, and I'm
gonna let you guys introduce yourself by asking you questions.
But I watched hours of you guys content by accident
because I felt like I was watching the young men,
because you guys are about five years younger than me,
answer questions for me. As a forty year old man

(03:37):
that I wanted to ask my elders. And as you
guys know, you know, well, I don't know. We'll talk
about this too, But my father's always been in my life.
But my father wasn't vocal as a mentor should be
to a son. My father was a mentor to hundreds
of other men, but when it came to me, it
was like, that's my son.

Speaker 1 (03:53):
We don't talk about this. So I always kind of
felt lost to certain things.

Speaker 2 (03:57):
And when I was listening to y'all speak, I was like, man,
if I was in my twenty and I heard this,
it would have gave me some direction on where I
needed to go. So, first and foremost, kudos to you guys. Secondly,
we're going to introduce each of you. We're gonna start
my boy Jealon here right first and foremost. I've been
calling him Jalen this whole time. I said, how, how
do you pronounce your name? He said, it's never been Jalen,
and it's sad it with that voice. Right here, here's

(04:19):
my boy Jelin and Jelan. Please introduce yourself. Tell everybody
why you got into podcasting, what you do, and who
you are I.

Speaker 1 (04:26):
Got into podcasting. My name is Jelan.

Speaker 3 (04:27):
I got into podcasting because me and my brothers here,
we will be having hours and hours of conversations at
my shop. I'm a barber by trade, right, so we'll
be having hours and hours of conversations. We will see
other men will come in and exit in and you know,
these are other men that we admire, some that you
ain't really know, like that they get a haircut, they

(04:49):
stay around for three four hours and we just like
exchanging game and we're like, hey, yo, like we should
really do something with this. Right around the pandemic time
we started the podcast, originally Pan happened, we had real
life situations. We put it on whole pandemic was starting
to clear up a little bit. So twenty twenty one,
twenty twenty one, we went ahead and we launched it.

(05:12):
We launched it and man, honestly, we were received. I
think it exceeded our expectations. Thousands and thousands of people
were resharing it, whether it was people in our community,
outside the community, people that was going through what we
were going through, saying similar things that you're saying as well,
and you know, it really just took off for us.

(05:34):
You know, I've been having conversations like this. As I mentioned,
I'm a barber. I've been having conversations like this because
to you like you, my father, we didn't sit down
and we didn't have sex conversations.

Speaker 2 (05:48):
We had that conversation in podcast. We didn't talk about
sex me and my pops.

Speaker 3 (05:51):
Ever never my dad gave me one sex conversation and
he looked at me square in the face and he said,
remember when you had sex, it's for the woman.

Speaker 1 (06:00):
For you. He told you that because we are your
father's in your lives.

Speaker 2 (06:05):
Yes, okay, sorry to hear that, but this was the
conversation my dad had with me about sex. Yo, So
you're having sex? Yeah, you know, I got comments in
my drawer right, I see here at the bottom. And
to this day we still laugh about it. Like my
dad laughs and be like, I didn't know what to say.

(06:26):
Like he grew up Southern Baptists, you don't speak about
sex because his abstinence or nothing else. So he felt
like he was doing a disservice to his religion and
his calling if he speaks to his son about sex.
I didn't understand that. You know what I'm saying, so
I didn't understand that. So I was a little bit
upset about it growing up. But I wish I had
people like us, so I knew what I was doing
because even with sex, I didn't know it was for

(06:49):
the woman in the beginning. Think about how we learned
about sex and now I'm glad you brought that up
because we're talking about matter of fact, let's not get
into it.

Speaker 1 (06:56):
Omar, Omar, got to stop rubbing the mic. Poorse Yo.
That's nasty work.

Speaker 2 (07:05):
Crazy word every episode that happens one time, but the
omer I believe, fourth round one hundred and first pick. Wow, okay,
you did the home work twenty twelve. Yep, Denver Broncos. Yes, sir,
go ahead and introduce yourself to everyone.

Speaker 1 (07:19):
My name is Omar Bolden.

Speaker 3 (07:21):
I'm a father, a husband, man of God wellness, entrepreneur, actor, podcaster,
content creator. I pride myself and not trying to limit
myself or cap myself with a ceiling and everything that
I feel like I'm skillful at I go for So.

(07:44):
I know a lot of people will try to tell
you got to narrow your focus and things like that,
but a lot of people don't have the passions I got,
you know what I mean, Or the drive, the determination,
or the bandwidth or the bandwidth with his important or
the brotherhood and community, you know what I mean? With that,
I feel like I have infinite resources, and with infinite resources,

(08:04):
I feel like you can accomplish anything you want life.
So yeah, I moved through life with that kind of mindset,
that kind of mentality, And yeah, I started podcasting just
to echo what Jaelan was saying, man, because I wanted
to create a safe space for us to voice our
opinions the way we felt we needed to, you know
what I mean, and be able to reach the audiences

(08:25):
that we wanted to and really control our narrative. I
think coming out of the NFL in twenty sixteen was
really the emergence of athletes starting to take control.

Speaker 1 (08:35):
Of their narrative and their media.

Speaker 3 (08:38):
And yeah, we just took that same approach and just
threw it into the podcast and you know what I mean,
And four years later, you know, we're sitting here next
to you, you know what I mean, having a joint podcast.

Speaker 1 (08:48):
So the.

Speaker 3 (08:51):
Reception from our audience has been incredible. It's been, like
Jaelan would say, exceeded expectations. It's really moving to walk
up to different venues, different environments, meet random men that
you never met before here and hear them tell you, Hey,
what you're doing right now is really helping change my life.
Is helping shape and mold me and turn me into
a man that I didn't even think I could be

(09:12):
at twenty seven, you know what I mean.

Speaker 1 (09:14):
So I'm glad you brought you. I don't want to
cut you, you know, because I do want to finish
the introductions.

Speaker 2 (09:18):
But Duke, I gotta get to you real quick, and
I'm gonna tell you a funny story about how I
got introduced to Duke. I'm a very vain person, as
I'm pretty sure we all are, cause I'll be dressed
every time I see y'all right, and Kadeen and I
have this thing where if i want to look a
certain way, the first thing I'm gonna do to my
wife is be like, yo, if I gain this amount

(09:39):
of weight or if I got skinny, what would you do?
And I'm sending her pictures and stuff through Instagram and
she'd be like, man, yeah.

Speaker 1 (09:45):
Nah, yeah right.

Speaker 2 (09:47):
So I ran up on Duke's page and I'm like, swove,
But He's still be moving though.

Speaker 1 (09:51):
Like you know what I'm saying. So I say, hey,
what about his physique?

Speaker 2 (09:55):
And she was like, yeah, everything, everything. And I wanted
to say that publicly because we live in a world
now where if you compliment a dude like, there's so
much homophobia now. I can't even compliment a black man
with people like yo, why are you giving him a compliment?
But that's just not the case because us as men
have to learn how to compliment each other and be

(10:16):
present amongst men who are also attractive or doing well
in life. And I have to feel like it's a competition.
So I want to just tell that quick story, but
do undrafted Yes, out.

Speaker 1 (10:26):
Of is it San Diego State, San Jose, San Jose.

Speaker 2 (10:30):
State to the Denver Broncos as well, So y'all were
there at the same time.

Speaker 1 (10:35):
A little bit about your charm. My name is Duke.

Speaker 4 (10:38):
I am an entrepreneur. I am a fitness coach, a
men's growth coach. Most importantly, I'm a leader of men,
helped men elevate, help men, uh you know, overcome self
limited beliefs, destructive habits to just elevating life.

Speaker 1 (10:58):
Right.

Speaker 4 (10:58):
I really care about people like us. I see how
much we struggle in silence. Right, So I just try
to add my experience and my knowledge and any type
of you know, expertise to other people's lives to help
them just elevate, right. I think for us, and I
can speak for all of us, man, we felt like
we had tremendous value to offer to the world, and

(11:20):
just through conversations with each other, through dating, through sports,
through you know, the low owns the shop, so he
speaks to a lot of guys as well on a
day to day basis. So taking all that information and
really taking inventory of data that we hear from people,
you understand, people struggle, so we can relate to a
lot of people. So it was important for us to

(11:41):
take all that and be able to offer something to
the world and help the world navigate any of the
complexities that they're having, right, because there's not a lot
of black men like us, you know, in this capacity
where you know, we're relatively young, but relatively like experienced,
where we can still relate to young people and older
people people and articulate it in a way that people

(12:03):
can digest.

Speaker 1 (12:04):
Right, So that was really important to.

Speaker 4 (12:05):
Us, man, and just throughout the journey of starting a podcast, man,
we've been able to just touch so many people, men
and women, right. The most surprising thing was how many
test absolutely and absolutely and you know, every day someone's
hitting us up like, yo, how do I do this
for my men?

Speaker 1 (12:20):
How do I be better for my men? Or?

Speaker 4 (12:22):
And I think that's the most fulfilling thing too, because
we're actually affecting relationships, all right. And when you get
to affect a relationship in a positive manner, that means
you affect the world absolutely, because now you get better relationships,
that means you get better marriages. That means you get
better children, children become better adults, right, And that's the
type of impact we always wanted to make.

Speaker 2 (12:42):
I'm glad you brought that up in shout out to
all three of you, gentlemen, because there's a lot of times,
especially in the podcast space, it's easy to just go
for the clickbait, right. And the reason why I sang
the song I sang because you guys could have easily
done the blackface thing.

Speaker 1 (12:57):
Right. Let's get up here and just bash women.

Speaker 2 (13:00):
We'll get a ton of engagement if we bashed women,
because then women will argue with us, men will champion us.

Speaker 1 (13:05):
It's easy, easy content, right, But you chose not to.

Speaker 2 (13:08):
You chose to go to long route, right, which means
that we're going to talk about the things that we
really want to discuss. Which I also want to point
out that most people think in a barbershop, black men
are talking about ass basketball and football, that's it. But
I've been in barbershops and a lot of times there
are black men just there trying to figure out, like,

(13:30):
how do I become better at what I'm doing?

Speaker 1 (13:32):
And that's not.

Speaker 2 (13:33):
Only just about professions. How do I become a better father?
Like I'm going through this with my wife. I think
I've been around you twice so far. Every time I'm
around you, three one of you, two or two of
you are talking about something that happened with your wife,
or your fiance or your child, and you're trying to
navigate and you're asking opinions, and I'm like, these are
the type of relationships that young black men need to

(13:54):
see that are healthy, because the next generation going to
look at this and be like, well, I can be
like that.

Speaker 1 (13:59):
I don't got to be like them clowns. They just
want to argue with everybody.

Speaker 2 (14:02):
And the reason why I call them clowns is because
there's a lot of people out here who are.

Speaker 1 (14:09):
I would say, extorting our culture.

Speaker 2 (14:12):
You know, they know that seventy five percent of women
who well I know this for a fact, seventy five
percent of the young men and I trained over a
thousand had no fathers in their life. So you know,
there's trigger points, especially with black women, and there's a
lot of clowns out here who are using those trigger
points to get engagement.

Speaker 1 (14:30):
And kudos to y'all for not Do.

Speaker 3 (14:32):
You think though, that the guys who are creating that
style of content are the men that are in.

Speaker 1 (14:36):
Relationships because I not at all.

Speaker 3 (14:38):
I don't think so, because I feel like it was
very easy for us to go the eyes a way
because we're men of relationships, we're men of integrity, we're representation,
we're representations of our women at the absolute friends, you
know what I mean, they've all elevated at this point.
But when you when you were coming from that perspective,
it's really hard to sit get online absolutely to the world.

Speaker 1 (14:59):
And because you're being authentic to who you are.

Speaker 2 (15:02):
Yes, a lot of people aren't being authentic because this
is entertainment, and I think that's what people need to realize.
Podcasting is entertainment. You don't have to represent yourself authentically
when you come on the podcast, I can say whatever.
And that's why I keep saying, like the fact that
y'all chose to represent yourself authentically, put yourself out there
when you know, even if you're trying to be authentic,
someone's gonna have something negative to say.

Speaker 1 (15:23):
Because that's also about the podcast.

Speaker 2 (15:24):
Space, which would which leads me to monogamy right before
you get there, Like we've actually we actually did kind
of struggle with because it's still a business and we
still want an engagement, you know, and we still want people.

Speaker 4 (15:37):
We want to grow. So we did have conversations of, yo,
do we need to spice it up a little bit?
What was what was that conversation? Like it was more
so are we being too nice? Are we pacifying women
too much?

Speaker 2 (15:46):
Right? Real conversations like that should we did y'all feel
like that that you were passified?

Speaker 1 (15:50):
Now? We didn't feel like that. It's just how it
was like coming off.

Speaker 3 (15:54):
There wasn't enough data to show who we were, so
it may come off as that people don't know what
our past is. People don't know what our background is.
All they see is three dudes in happy relationships today,
and that's where you're speaking from.

Speaker 2 (16:06):
I tell you something that's never going to change. I've
been with my wife for twenty two years. We've been
podcasting for six years season one. People's like, Oh, this
ain't real. He don't really live like that. It is
now thirteen years of marriage, four kids, and people still
say the same thing. I'll see you in five years.
Y'all said that five years ago. You know what I'm saying,
that's never going to change. People will root for y'all

(16:28):
to fail because you got to also realize too, when
you feel it validates all of their failed relationship. But
when you don't fail, now, there's no excuse for them
now that like, wait a minute, there's three black men.
Oh wait, they're married to three black women. Wait a minute,
they're all faithful. Just can't be possible, you.

Speaker 1 (16:45):
Know what I'm saying.

Speaker 2 (16:45):
They always going to find a way to make it
seem like y'all not real. So I wouldn't even harp
on that because I still get that backglass to this day.
That's a fact. It's always going to be like that.
So how'd you end up coming to the conclusion like,
you know what, we're not going to just spice it
up and argue for no reason. How did y'all decide
like this is where we're going to stay. It made
us better.

Speaker 3 (17:03):
It did make us better because not saying that we
was like, we're not going to spice it up, but
it was like a yo. As far as the business side,
we started having production meetings and we started really sitting
down saying like, AYO, how do you feel about that? Okay,
what would it look like if you took this perspective
and actually really embody this perspective on if somebody approached
it and they was like, yo, and don't feel monogamy,

(17:25):
it's important, How would you speak from that place?

Speaker 1 (17:28):
What would that look like?

Speaker 3 (17:29):
Because as people are listening, you know, you don't want
to just have just like one specific niche audience.

Speaker 1 (17:35):
You want to be able to have everybody. Wise, that's exact.

Speaker 3 (17:39):
Business wise, right, but also realistic like we live in
a world where monogamy may not be for everybody, but
I think the only way to get somebody's ears to
even consider your opinion is to be able to address theirs.
So we got to start addressing their opinion in order
for our message to actually get louder. I think we
landed on it ultimately, because, like you said, man, was

(18:00):
just the authentic thing to do doing this podcast thing.

Speaker 1 (18:03):
Man, it's very hard to do it when you're faking it,
absolutely right.

Speaker 4 (18:06):
So no longer, you know, anytime you're doing business with
your friends, we're friends first. It's not like we just
became't business young met up on the broncos. We met,
we met playing, we met, I met through a mutual friends.

Speaker 1 (18:19):
So twelve years, all of y'all have been friends. I
know you guys meant it does.

Speaker 2 (18:23):
I think we may made a year thirteen ten years.
So yeah, so we we were friends first. So it
was just authentic and we all had similar beliefs, similar relationships.
So it's just like yo, like we can spice it up,
but not in this not in this standpoint of we're
just gonna come out here and you know, say our
land this stuff. Now, how we're gonna spice it up

(18:44):
is we're going to figure out different ways to articulate
our points and drive home our points while still being
respectful to the overall like masses.

Speaker 3 (18:51):
It's fair and by generating the engagement. You double down,
you like, literally draw a line on your perspective. Yes,
like I'm I'm literally on this side today. That's what
I'm and that's what I'm doing. And that right there
increased the engagement. That right there gave us the more eyeballs,
the reach that we were looking for.

Speaker 1 (19:07):
Kudos to y'am, and that's that's dope.

Speaker 2 (19:09):
The fact that you said production meeting because you're you know,
all athletes in a barber I had to learn to
have production meeting. Shout out to trouble because I'm a
winger as an athlete.

Speaker 1 (19:17):
Right.

Speaker 2 (19:18):
My wife went to school for speech, communication and performance.

Speaker 1 (19:21):
They would have Q cards. I never have Q cards.
You know why.

Speaker 2 (19:24):
I'll just be sitting here saying my opinion. But production
media is matter because words matter. After you know, we
had a powerful discussion before this. But let me get
back to these facts and stacks about monogamy. You're gonna
be surprised, Okay. It says here that a majority of
Americans fifty five percent, prefer complete monogamy in their relationships,
but many adults would rather have some form of non monogamy.

(19:45):
February twenty third you Gov poll finds that one third
of Americans thirty four percent, describe their ideal relationship as
something other than complete monogamy. Many adults who do not
choose total monogamy desire something in between complete monogamy and
complete non monogamy, with twenty six percent of all Americans
choosing an option in the middle. I'll give you my perspective,

(20:06):
and I want to hear you guys perspective. I chose
monogamy not for my wife, and I think part of
the reason why we went viral was because people expected
me to say I chose to be monogamous because you
were just this perfect woman, and I chose it for you.
But that's literally not what happened. I was living my

(20:26):
life and there were times where I was chasing skirts.
You know, you graduate from high school, you go to college,
and I'm the guy d one university.

Speaker 1 (20:34):
Everybody knows me. I'm going here and here and there.

Speaker 2 (20:37):
But I watched my success in my production struggle because
I wasn't focused.

Speaker 1 (20:44):
On what I needed to do.

Speaker 2 (20:46):
And then I looked at my mom, I looked at
my grandmother, I looked at my father, my grandfather, and
I was just like, one thing is coming my father
and my grandfather able to focus on being the best
versions of themselves.

Speaker 1 (20:56):
Because there are.

Speaker 2 (20:57):
Certain things that my mom and my grandmother take me hero,
I'm going to have to use discernment to find the
right woman to be next to me so that when
I'm doing these things and making these decisions, I got
a partner. I chose monogamy and selfish just it sounds
before myself, and I want to know from you three,
why did y'all choose monogamy if y'all.

Speaker 3 (21:21):
Know, yeah, yeah, yeah, I chose monogamy before my girl
even existed.

Speaker 1 (21:28):
So like that is I'm a man of God.

Speaker 3 (21:31):
I'm a man of faith, and my relationship with God
actually comes before any woman that is there. I can't
replace God, but whoever fits in that piece, Like I
don't know what her name was. I didn't know her
name was going to be Britney. I had no idea.
So but you knew, you knew that he was like
I'm going to be when it comes to the woman
that I want to marry. Absolutely Now, when I was younger,

(21:53):
I can't say that existed. Absolutely when it comes down
to the woman that I want to marry and be
with for the rest of my life life and the
woman that's going to be raising my children and teaching
my son how to walk and kissing my kids on
the face. Like, yes, absolutely, but to your point, it
wasn't for her, It was for you.

Speaker 1 (22:11):
It's for me, you know.

Speaker 3 (22:12):
And I actually have a philosophy though, like I feel
like we're all selfish. We don't really just say it
out loud fact, but like, I'm selfish, like in every way,
shape and form. If I get if I got you
a birthday gift, it's because I want you to view
me as a good friend, not just because I wanted
you to feel good.

Speaker 1 (22:30):
What was I think it was friends?

Speaker 2 (22:32):
They had to show about no selfless acts, and they
were like, even like if a beastings you, that's selfish
on you because then the be gos and dies. When
you say that, it reminds me of that that there
really is no selfless act in the world. Everything we do.

Speaker 3 (22:47):
That's that's really how I feel, right, But that also
helps me, it sounds crazy, it helps me be the
best person that I could possibly be because when I
show up for you too, I'm showing up for you
because I want you to view me in a certain light.

Speaker 2 (23:01):
Right, So I'm gonna do my best for me to
have the best view and viewpoint in your life.

Speaker 1 (23:06):
Right.

Speaker 3 (23:07):
If there's laundry in the hallway, I'm gonna do the
laundry for my fiance because I want her to be like, man,
I got a good dude.

Speaker 1 (23:15):
I feel you he.

Speaker 2 (23:16):
Took a lot off my plate by doing that. So
I'll be doing laundry because I'll be wanting to smash later.

Speaker 1 (23:21):
I feel that I.

Speaker 2 (23:25):
Just got to be clean and she gonna be tired,
so fuck it, I'm about to go get this ship done.

Speaker 4 (23:30):
To that.

Speaker 1 (23:31):
So that's to that point, right.

Speaker 3 (23:32):
And I've learned so much about myself through monogamy because
you know, like being single and dating, that's totally different
than being monogamous because when it comes to how I
want my partner to feel about me, she's actually teaching me.

Speaker 2 (23:49):
It sounds crazy. She's taught me how to be a
man for real, doesn't doesn't sound crazy at all, Like
she's really really taught me how to be a man,
Like we talked about it.

Speaker 1 (23:57):
Why do you think that that sounds crazy?

Speaker 3 (23:59):
It sounds I was crazy because I feel like people
feel like you're supposed to show up as a complete person.
And I also feel like that's the reason why the
day landscape is Yes, but I feel like people feel
like you're supposed to show.

Speaker 1 (24:13):
Up as a complete person.

Speaker 3 (24:14):
And she's taught me how to be a man, and
she's taught me how to continue to date her. She's
taught me how to continue to flirt with her through
today so I can smash at the end of the
day all of those things, because you feel like, you know,
you get into a relationship we being monogamous, the only
thing you gotta worry about is I'm not out here
chasing nobody else. And it's just like, nah, like the

(24:35):
work actually just getting started when you enter the space
of monogamy.

Speaker 2 (24:39):
So what So ultimately, what you're saying is she didn't
teach you how to be a man. She taught you
how to be her man because that you had to
show up for her.

Speaker 1 (24:48):
Yeah, I like that.

Speaker 2 (24:49):
Omar, did you always know you wanted to be monogamous
or did there something happen where you were like, nah,
I gotta change this.

Speaker 1 (24:56):
Well, I would say similar to your situation.

Speaker 3 (25:00):
And when I say similar to you, I just mean
in terms of being selfish I've kind of always been
smart enough to understand that what me being committed to
one woman will take me to greater heights in my
life in terms of being a great man of leadership, power, integrity,
even wealth. Right, I would need a woman by my
side when I've studied or when I look in the

(25:22):
in the history of men, great men leaders in particular,
when you look at them next to their side, there's
always a woman. You look at Martin Luther King, you
have Kretta. You look at Barack Obama, you have Michelle
You know what I mean.

Speaker 1 (25:34):
Anytime people will.

Speaker 2 (25:35):
Push back through and say that Martin Luther King was
a philanderer, though he wasn't necessarily like.

Speaker 3 (25:43):
What I'm saying is though as a kid without even
understanding that, because that information that I'm privy to as
an adult, right, But as a kid, you don't understand that.

Speaker 1 (25:50):
All you see is this is a great leader.

Speaker 3 (25:52):
Of men in the image that he's being portrayed in,
and next to him is his wife. So when I
look at that from a young age, because these are
when these thought performed, it's not like these thoughts are
formed as a as an older point, like they're making
a lasting impression as a as a kid on your
subconscious mind without you, whether you know it or not.
So when I've been able to look at those those
type of men in my life or that have make

(26:12):
an impact in my life, I'm like, okay, I need
be a woman as well. And then also too the
moments that I have had a woman, even before I
became a fiance and a husband, Like, for some reason,
I've always noticed I've been more productive when I have
a woman.

Speaker 1 (26:30):
Absolutely, Oh okay.

Speaker 3 (26:31):
I'm actually locked in on my job, you know what
I mean. I'm actually getting things accomplished, I'm signing deals,
I'm making more money and so and to me, that
is that is a place that I always want to
be in.

Speaker 1 (26:42):
I always want to be in a fruitful place of
growth and progression.

Speaker 3 (26:48):
And I believe that that could only happen by being
committed to one woman. When you're not committed to one woman,
let's just say you you live a life of polygamy, right,
I personally feel like you're a bit distracted. You may
not say people who live those lifestyles may not come
on the front on the front lines and say that, right,
because it's conducive to their lifestyle. But I personally believe

(27:08):
that you're spread then by whether it be emotionally, physically,
either way financially, you know what I mean.

Speaker 1 (27:15):
You're spread, you know what I mean.

Speaker 3 (27:16):
And to me, I feel like I can make more
of an impact in my life and those around me
by being committed and.

Speaker 1 (27:21):
Being in a monogamous relationship.

Speaker 2 (27:23):
Due and before we before we move on, polygamy is
illegal in America's it's not necessarily polygamy, it's monogamy or
non monogamy.

Speaker 1 (27:31):
So we're just going to correct that and not say polygamy.

Speaker 2 (27:33):
No one here agrees with polygamy, but we're talking about
being non monogamous.

Speaker 1 (27:37):
But Duke, what happened to you? My brother? Man? What happened?
That's actually that's actually a good way to put it.

Speaker 4 (27:46):
And the reason that's a good way to put it
is because I grew up in a culture where it
was very normal to not be to not be monogamous, right,
So I grew up with it. My uncles, my grandpa,
you know, my father to some degree, right, So I
grew up with it. So everything pointed me in the
direction of because I'm Nigerian, right, so they have different
kind of just traditional values. You go there, you go,

(28:11):
so regardless of people would agree with it or not.
That's kind of like very normal. But to be honest, bro, man,
I don't trust women. I don't trust women. M hmm,
I trust my women. I don't trust women.

Speaker 1 (28:25):
That's fair.

Speaker 4 (28:26):
So I don't believe I could go mess with women
and everybody stay hushed us don't believe it.

Speaker 1 (28:32):
That's an that's an honest ass answer. But I don't
do it right. And I'm saying it's layered, but I
could never. I could never. I'm saying.

Speaker 4 (28:41):
I'm saying it's there's more to it, but I could
never put my trust in another woman to dibble and.

Speaker 1 (28:46):
Dabble, hurt and everything.

Speaker 2 (28:48):
Way, bro, you're absolutely right, because we don't we don't trust.
We don't trust all men. That's why we only have
specific friends. So it makes the same sense. If I
don't trust all women, why would us go out here
and lay down with every woman? It actually makes sense,
but go ahead, no way, so you know, and amongst
other things, man, it's just like everything you said.

Speaker 1 (29:05):
I feel like I'm going to.

Speaker 4 (29:07):
Be the most successful with one woman because I don't
have that type of capacity dealing with women is hard. Yes,
it's difficult. It takes a lot to deal with a
women and cultivate a strong, healthy relationship, all right. And
there's no way I can say that I want this,
I want the best out of myself and my relationship

(29:27):
and still be playing around with other women.

Speaker 1 (29:29):
Okay.

Speaker 4 (29:30):
So for me, monogamy gives me structure, right, it gives
me a foundation of principles, and it allows me to
trust someone, right. I don't want to have to navigate
different you know, relationships or situations or whatever the case
may be, and be wondering can I trust this person?

Speaker 1 (29:48):
You know?

Speaker 4 (29:48):
So for me, monogamy has always been I want to
say always been, but just through growing up, I realized
it was the best path for me, right.

Speaker 1 (29:55):
And I'm someone I'm a giver man. I love when
I love, I love hard. I feel right.

Speaker 4 (30:00):
I can't even I can't even just think about giving
that up for everybody.

Speaker 1 (30:06):
I'm a nasty thing.

Speaker 2 (30:08):
The things I be wanting to do I can't do
to everybody, you know what I'm saying. So for me, yeah,
it's also on the sex thing, like I do, I'm
gonna sit down and just dive into any woman I meet,
I want to have a conversation first, what was going
on with you? What's your credit score? Like?

Speaker 1 (30:24):
You know what I'm saying, Like, how often have you
been to the doctor? Well, you know what I'm saying.

Speaker 2 (30:27):
These are conversations that everybody don't want to have. So
for me, monogamy was also about that.

Speaker 4 (30:31):
Yeah, and I feel like this, man, I feel like
like I feel with everything in life, you are going
to get out what you put in. And if you
give your all to one person, I trust that my
decision to pick her, I trust that she's gonna give
me everything back.

Speaker 1 (30:48):
Okay, And that's why.

Speaker 4 (30:49):
And the other thing is is too I'm not afraid
to be hurt. Oh you're hurt by a woman. I'm
not afraid, bro, I'm not afraid. I'm confident that I
could be hurt and bounce back.

Speaker 2 (30:59):
So you saying I'm gonna use discernment to pick the
right woman and if I get hurt, I'm strong enough
to say I can bounce back. I'm saying that a
lot of people want monogamy but are afraid to be hurt,
so they'll stay away from it. Because when you're dealing
with someone else, there's no guarantee that this person is
gonna do you right, there's no guarantee. It's not a chance,
but it's no guarantee.

Speaker 1 (31:20):
You know why. I know that you're right about that,
and I can't say you're right.

Speaker 2 (31:22):
But there's a memo social media of the cat sleeping,
and there's a lot of people saying, how I sleep
at night knowing that nobody's sucking me over.

Speaker 1 (31:29):
A single exactly? That literally is what you just said.
It's a fear. Yeah, it's a fear.

Speaker 2 (31:35):
So you believe fear of people keeping people from monogamy
because they don't want to be hurt.

Speaker 4 (31:38):
I believe that people know they can get hurt, but
they don't. They feel like if they get hurt, they
can't recover. And I'm saying that when you confident you
can recover, you're okay with taking the risk of monogamy.

Speaker 1 (31:48):
I never thought about that. Did y'all ever think about that?

Speaker 2 (31:51):
Like the possibility of getting hurt and no one can
I recover if I put everything into this woman.

Speaker 1 (31:55):
When I was younger.

Speaker 3 (31:56):
I'm gonna be honest with you, and I don't want
to disrespect the men that are in mind, that were
in my life have been in my life, monogamy was
Anything outside of monogamy was never an option for me.
My dad was monogamous, My brothers are monogamous. The men,
the good men that were around me were monogamous. So
like us sitting up here isn't a shock to me.

Speaker 1 (32:18):
It's not anomally.

Speaker 3 (32:21):
I see a lot of people they're like, man, I'm
gonna be the first person in my lineage, in my
generation to be monogamous, and like, that's not my story.
My my parents fully expected me to be monogamous. My
brothers fully expected me to be monogamous, so anything outside
of that would be the anomaly of the family. So like,
being around even being around men that are not monogamous

(32:44):
is like, it's shocking to me.

Speaker 1 (32:45):
And how long you've been what's your three years? Three years?

Speaker 2 (32:48):
Was there ever a point in your life where you
were trying to be monogamous and felt like this ain't
for me with her, with anybody, oh yeah, before her,
before her, Like, I don't even think you should even
be considering the word monogamous for real until you talking
about getting married.

Speaker 1 (33:03):
Okay, that's fair. Dating doesn't require monogamy to be honest,
to be honest, you got to work on it.

Speaker 3 (33:10):
Yes, but I wasn't in the space of wanting to
get married in space, so it's like, yeah, I'm dating,
but I'm not trying to get married. That wasn't That
wasn't a thing like, yeah, were moving around, you know
what I'm saying, And so we would have fun now
moving with intention And one thing that was very difficult
is me and my fiance. She's an incredible woman. We

(33:32):
did long distance for the first year of our relationship,
so I knew for that to work for me, we
had to be crazy intentional with our relationship. So when
we first got together, I vowed to her that we'll
see each other twice a month. She lived in Austin,
I lived in la We had to see each other
twice an I remember, oh, and Duke, you used to

(33:53):
be like, bro, where are you going?

Speaker 1 (33:54):
Yep? Every time was getting on flights. You're going to
text you so much.

Speaker 3 (33:59):
B I gotta go see my girl because it's it's
like if I don't or and this is just for
people who have long distance relationships. If you don't have
a schedule on when you're gonna see your partner, you're
leaving too much space for yourself to get in trouble,
for her to get in trouble. When an argument happens,
you don't know when you're gonna see her again. So

(34:19):
now it's just like I'm finna go out and do
this now if I know, he Yo, this week I
seen her, I'm gonna see her again in two weeks.
So anything that I do within that two weeks, that's
on me. But if it's like this week I seen her,
I don't know when I'm gonna see her again. You
got too much space to go and make mistakes.

Speaker 2 (34:38):
You got too much idle time and not understand what's
going on with you. And you know what we say
about idle time. Yeah, zevil find time for idle hands.
We don't know that, and we don't know that.

Speaker 3 (34:47):
So it's like I knew what the flight schedule was.
I used to send her a flight schedule every single month,
so I was I was very intentional with being monogamous.
I don't think monogamy is something that happens on accident either,
Like I'm I'm not that good of a person bro.

Speaker 1 (35:03):
To say I'm just monogamous because I'm in.

Speaker 3 (35:06):
A relationship, right, Like, no, I have to, like I
told you, I'm selfish. I have to be like, Okay,
how is this gonna benefit Julyn? How is this gonna
benefit Jelyn? What does that look like for Jilan? And
then I have to put all those together and I
have to put it into action, and I have to
stay disciplined on the things that I said I'm gonna
put into action. Like me, if something look like I'm
gonna not be monogamous, yeah, I'm not gonna resist. I'm

(35:27):
just gonna flee, like I get out of there, bro,
I'll be So you.

Speaker 2 (35:30):
Never played that game like I'm gonna just I'm playing
with shorty now we.

Speaker 3 (35:33):
Be We talk about it all the time. I'm I'm
I don't you never Jean, Oh No, I don't trust
me enough.

Speaker 2 (35:38):
You never played with any chicks before you decided you
was gonna get engaged, like I'm gonna just play around
because I don't really want to be monogamous with my
fiance now.

Speaker 1 (35:44):
No no, no, I.

Speaker 2 (35:45):
Said like before your like before when you were dating,
because remember when hundred percent okay, because when Duke said
dating should be about monogamy, you was just like, I
don't think it necessarily that's a great conversation because when
women date, women are dating with the expertation and I
can't old women that we're going to be monogamous. But
I've also learned that men are not always dating with

(36:06):
that because I don't date men, so I don't know
how men thought process be, you know, when dating.

Speaker 3 (36:09):
But I'm gonna be honest though, like in the space
of dating, like if we're not moving in that way,
you know that there's there's now am I coming back
and I'm going to tell you everything that's happening along
the way. No, because I don't think you earn that
space either, So I'm not gonna sit here and I'm
not gonna lie to you. Matter of fact, if we're

(36:30):
just dating and you see me out, you got to
respect that too, because we're just dating, and that's a
conversation you have and beginning to dating. But there's also
there's also level. There's never you don't have a conversation,
but there's levels to dating. Right when you first started dating,
somewhere you're casually dating them.

Speaker 2 (36:47):
And I'm be honest, I'm asking these questions because remember
I met my wife when I was eighteen. I've never
dated as a grown adult.

Speaker 3 (36:54):
Let me tell you, bro, So let me tell you
when you first started dating a woman, it's casual, you
know what I mean.

Speaker 1 (36:59):
It's it's very light, it's over the surface.

Speaker 3 (37:02):
And casual also means that I could be courting another
woman at the same time. Right in order for for
the woman to take it to the level of yo,
this situation has.

Speaker 1 (37:10):
Now become monogamous.

Speaker 3 (37:11):
We had to have the conversation of yo, you and
I are now exclusively dating each other.

Speaker 1 (37:16):
Once we're exclusively dating one.

Speaker 3 (37:18):
Another, now now we're now monogamy is introduced into the fold.
Right until then, we can't even have that conversation because
it's not fair.

Speaker 1 (37:26):
And and even if you're not, I'm under the assumption that.

Speaker 3 (37:30):
You're you're you're dating other people too, because we haven't
had the conversation that said, hey, we're both locked into
one another, let's take the next step.

Speaker 1 (37:37):
So does that conversation come before sex?

Speaker 3 (37:39):
I under that probably not, probably not, And a lot
of my situations, know a lot, I'll be honest with it.

Speaker 1 (37:45):
But but but, but if you're.

Speaker 3 (37:47):
Trying to be proper about your situation, if you game tight,
like if you someone who's young and you listen to
this conversation, then yeah.

Speaker 1 (37:53):
You will. You would approach that conversation.

Speaker 3 (37:54):
You would prost the situation differently and have the conversation beforehand,
because for one, it's way more player. You give her
the option to make a choice, right, Which is that's
all you That's that's like in terms of being a man, like,
we gotta be fair and we be like we could
be fair by giving women.

Speaker 2 (38:11):
Choicest me, let me cut you off just to ask
a question, because this is actually fascinating to me because
I've never dated in my twenties and I got four boys,
so I know they're gonna come to me because they're
not all going to meet their girl at eighteen. No,
I can't say, like, you know, go to college, first
year of college, meet your mother. You know what I'm saying,
Like you can't. So for me, it's interesting because you
said it's way more player. And this is what I

(38:31):
believe because and this is just me being maybe I
live in a utopia.

Speaker 1 (38:35):
I believe that.

Speaker 2 (38:35):
When you meet a young lady, if you don't want
to be monogamous, it's like yo, we dating, we smashing
or were trying to be And when I say that
women be like, I would love if a man said that,
But then when I hear dudes say that, they be like,
you can't say that to no woman.

Speaker 3 (38:50):
Because he's never said it before. The only man who
are saying that are the men who haven't said it.
They don't have the courage to say it. They think
if I say it, I'm gonna lose this woman. Listen,
you got if you're gonna be living a lifestyle, you
got to operate with that risk. Hey, I can say
this and she could possibly walk away. That's the game
I'm playing. That's the way more players.

Speaker 1 (39:08):
I'm gonna say this as well.

Speaker 4 (39:09):
Right, because we all lived a unique experience, absolutely, right,
So our confidence was a little different, Our access was
a little different, especially living especially living in LA. All guys,
most guys don't have the same access or environment that
we have, right, So.

Speaker 2 (39:27):
Explain that to them so they understand because you definitely,
we definitely live unique experience.

Speaker 4 (39:32):
Explain so because we played in the NFL, we knew
we were an anomaly. So it wasn't NFL because we
left because we're in this space, right, this industry, whatever
the case may be, right, whether you're in the NFL,
if you're in an industry and you could touch these people. Right,
especially living in LA we see celebrities all the time,
so like we're all like, we could live without you.

Speaker 1 (39:54):
Right.

Speaker 4 (39:54):
There's a plethora of women around this place, beautiful women
around this place. So if you I want to fuck
with me, somebody else will. I'm handsome enough, I'm intelligent enough,
going on, right, people know me, people know me. I
got respect in my city. It doesn't matter, right, every man,
most men don't have that same type of luxury. That's
one okay, that's less than one in the NFL, but

(40:17):
just even just even something to give them that type
of confidence.

Speaker 1 (40:20):
Okay.

Speaker 4 (40:21):
So the other thing is this, we can speak now
right now because thirty five, we're super articulate, absolutely, so
we know what our young person, our young self just
say to navigate that situation. But eighteen year old you
may not have that experience with women to navigate her feelings, right,
You may not know how to communicate. Yo, I'm dealing

(40:42):
with another chick on the side, just so you know, right,
so you will just try to keep it in your
pocket and just try to assume. Now, going back to
the point of us having that confidence, we were also
confident enough to know that, yo, I'm dealing with a
bad one.

Speaker 1 (40:56):
I'm sure she's talking to other other people.

Speaker 4 (40:58):
Rue, So we never so even if I saw you
doing your thing, I was good. So what happens is
a lot of guys they'll be like, yo, I want
to mess with other girls, but I don't want you
messing with no other guys. Yeah, all right, and that's
a problem. So for us, it was just like, hey, listen,
the girls I'm dealing with. It's already assumed that I
know guys talking to you. Yeah, so no, you know

(41:19):
women are talking to me, right, So monogamy isn't even
a conversation you had. And is it before sex though?

Speaker 1 (41:26):
No, no, I'm telling you when you're young, it's not
none of that. None of that is happening. It's just
as soon.

Speaker 4 (41:31):
And then also at least nah, since I since I
was in college to you know, the last couple of
years in the NFL, like all this interaction was out
in the public, were in the hottest places, so there
was no hiding this interaction.

Speaker 1 (41:45):
Oh, I see what you're saying. You knew when I
was hiding at a girl, you found out.

Speaker 2 (41:49):
You knew social media that people take pictures video like
I mean, not even find out you see who I am?

Speaker 4 (41:55):
Yeah, you see the way I'm moving so and saying
that like it. I didn't have to explain this matter
of fact. I know that you saw me. You saw me,
and I kept it tom and you didn't say nothing
to me because you're like, I'm playing my part and
that was just the order of things. And women will say, yo,
I want you to tell me. I want you to
tell me. Sometimes sometimes that's the space you got to

(42:16):
create too.

Speaker 3 (42:17):
Like, for example, if you are kicking it with a
woman and you know you're not being serious, you haven't
open enough conversation with her where she's telling you about
her experiences, you're telling her about your experiences, and you
guys both have an idea exactly who each other is.
It's not like, Yo, I really want you to be
my girl, and you're trying to You're trying to collherseer

(42:38):
into doing things. That's not how, that's not how, that's
not how moving player looks. It's like, Yo, you have
the option to come and mess with me if you
want to, so let me good. Yes, I'm good. In
your son's case. All right, they're growing up in a
different era. Yeah, all right, people today more solations than

(42:59):
everyone absolutely, So you got it. You're gonna have to
communicate early on just to protect yourself, right, so you're
not gonna have the same type of luxury that we
had to not know, you're gonna need early on. A Yo, listen,
what's the situation, and here's what I'm doing, here's how
I'm moving. I'm expecting you to be honest because people
are getting more intelligent, people are becoming more articulate, outspoken.
You got access to different types of social media, so

(43:20):
it's going to be different than when we were coming up. Right,
So by the time he's eighteen, don't let him play football.
If he's playing football too, Yeah, he's gonna things are
going to be a little different. So he's going to
have to have those conversations. So this is actually interesting.
This is actually pivoting me because now.

Speaker 2 (43:37):
I'm realizing how like naive I am to the dating
process because I didn't go through the dating process in
my twenties. We're speaking about monogamy. How much do you
expect monogamy from a woman? And I asked this question
because one of my partners who's he's not an athlete,
but he's in the entertainment industry, make good money.

Speaker 1 (43:55):
Everybody knows him.

Speaker 2 (43:57):
He started dating this young lady, she went out with someone.

Speaker 1 (44:00):
Else who's on social media, and he lost it.

Speaker 2 (44:03):
He said to me, like, Yo, this is messed up,
Like she should have told me da da da da da.
And I was just like, well, you're dating other people though, dude.
He was just like, yeah, but it's different because if
she expects a man of my caliber to choose her,
then she should move a certain way. How hard is
it to be in the NFL on your own business,

(44:24):
mid twenties, young attractive black man, You got options? How
hard is it to settle down and say, I trust
this woman who knows all of these.

Speaker 1 (44:33):
Things about me?

Speaker 2 (44:34):
Because that's an issue I get from a lot of
young men that I mentor who are in the NCAA
football basketball they're going to project it to be high
draft picks, or they're in the entertainment industry, they're on shows.
And they always asked me, yo, you met your girl
when I was eighteen. You lucky because you ain't have
nothing then, so you didn't have to worry about her
taking stuff said, what do I tell my sons about

(44:56):
because they're going to grow up in the spotlight that
they're going to grow up, They're going to have things
and people want to know who they are. How do
I tell them how to weed out those women who
are going to know because y'all have been through that.
I've never been through that. I've been with Case. I
was eighteen and you met you you're thirty five. So
you met your wife when you were thirty two? Right
when did you meet your wife?

Speaker 1 (45:15):
On mom? Who?

Speaker 3 (45:16):
I was twenty seven, twenty eight, so you had already
been in the league.

Speaker 1 (45:19):
And I was. I was out.

Speaker 3 (45:22):
So, like I would say, like being young, black successful
making money, it's really hard.

Speaker 1 (45:29):
It's hard.

Speaker 3 (45:29):
It's hard, bro, especially because we don't grow up with
like an abundance of a good examples, you know what
I mean? Like we're more times than than not, we
have terrible examples that are leading us down a path
of destruction, whether it be in music, television, or music.
I don't want to cut you off, but to that
point you asking about your son specifically right now, society

(45:54):
can't be their perception of reality. Their reality has to
be what they can understand. So you guys, you and
Kadeen are sitting an incredible example. So I used to
think my mom was nuts when she'd was like, You're
gonna mary somebody.

Speaker 1 (46:08):
Just like me? And I'm like, no, I'm not. I
know I'm married d and I'm.

Speaker 2 (46:12):
Gonna marry somebody that's just like my mom, and you
could only it's just like, it's just like, how did you.

Speaker 1 (46:18):
Find her though?

Speaker 2 (46:19):
In this this world where it is a lot of
salacious people out there and people be looking to come up.

Speaker 1 (46:24):
When I've seen her, I knew. And here's why.

Speaker 3 (46:27):
I don't mean to cut you off though, but like
when you older, you have better discernment, you know what
I mean. You see the world from a different perspective,
You have different experiences. So if I was you, I
would encourage my sons, if I was in your situation,
to wait, to wait, like now have fun, right, and
you teach them how to have fun safely. Of course,
I know you, I know you do, you know what
I mean. But that's the thirteen we started having them conversations.

(46:49):
And that's important, And that's important because that's the first
step because one mistake could ruin this whole whole game plan.
But if they can stay on the right path in
that regard right, they'll gain more discernment as a a
and it'll be a lot easier for them to choose
the woman that's right for them, and it'll actually speak
to their spirit. They'll be a lot more aware of
their spirit. When you're young, you can't hear you knew

(47:09):
when you see your wife? Did I know when I
seen my all? You said you knew when you've seen her?

Speaker 1 (47:13):
I knew. I knew when I seen her.

Speaker 3 (47:14):
I met her five years before we got together, and
I was like, as soon as she gave me a chance,
I'm taking every problem that come with her.

Speaker 1 (47:24):
So you did you know what I didn't know? Here,
I'll tell you when I knew.

Speaker 3 (47:27):
I told you I met Candice when I was I
had just won a super Bowl, right, but shiit six
months later I got released, Okay, so I lose my job.
This is probably as as an athlete. I've never been
cut from anything. This is my first time experiencing this.
But see as the earlier you experienced it, the better

(47:50):
you are to rebound from it. Absolutely, it happened so
later in my life that it was hard for me
to rebound like it was.

Speaker 1 (47:55):
I just struggled with it, you know what I mean.

Speaker 3 (47:57):
And she ended up showing up for me in a
time where man, I wasn't really showing up for myself.
And so in that moment, even though we didn't lock
it in in that very moment, because I was still
on the journey, you know what I mean, I was,
I was moving around.

Speaker 1 (48:10):
I knew, I knew she was the one.

Speaker 3 (48:12):
I was like, yo, if I get back from this,
because I was leaving LA moving to New York, and
I knew I was gonna eventually make my way back
to Los Angeles, And I told myself, Yo, if I
make my way back and she's still available, there's no
way I'm going on at that full fledged you know
what I mean. And we've been literally locked in ever since.
So it was a moment in my life that made
me realize this is the one.

Speaker 4 (48:36):
Happened gradually. There was no like moment. How long did
y'all date before we dated?

Speaker 2 (48:41):
For?

Speaker 1 (48:41):
We dated?

Speaker 4 (48:42):
Oh, before I proposed, Yeah, shit, I proposed between twenty three,
so four years, for like four or five years, but.

Speaker 1 (48:50):
Thirty one we all met.

Speaker 3 (48:51):
Nah.

Speaker 4 (48:51):
When we met, I was twenty twenty eight, twenty eight, Right,
So we I met, we dated for like eight months,
stopped talking for like eight months.

Speaker 1 (48:59):
Okay, okay, right, kind of get it right, we can
do it.

Speaker 4 (49:02):
And then when we can do it, that was kind
of the first time that we really That's how we
count when we started, because then we became serious. We
were just we were just dating. It's just kind of like, yo,
I was in New York. I ain't know nobody she
was out there. I feel it was just it was
what it was.

Speaker 2 (49:15):
Did the break tell you like when you was on
that break, was you like that that might have been
the one?

Speaker 1 (49:20):
Honestly? No? No, nah nah man? When what was.

Speaker 4 (49:26):
I think when she came back into my life and
I realized, oh, I still feel the same way about her,
and we just picked the right when we left off.
And this is so I'm in La too, So like
all my work is out here, yeah right, not your job.

Speaker 1 (49:40):
We're not doing work. We're not talking about employments.

Speaker 4 (49:44):
All my work is out here. And she just came
and inserted herself right back into my life. I didn't
nothing happened, and I just dropped everybody. I dropped everybody
dog and I was just like, oh wow, and at
that moment, were you trying to be monogamous?

Speaker 1 (49:55):
For sure? For sure?

Speaker 4 (49:56):
Because I realized when she came back to my life
the way we picked up, I was like, this is
not normal, you know, and sometimes God give you a
song you just got to listen is not normal. And
we just picked up conversation, chemistry, intimacy, all those things.

Speaker 1 (50:11):
And then the other thing is.

Speaker 4 (50:12):
This right because she came back in my life, right,
we addressed certain things that went on before we stopped
talking right away. I was like, Yo, let's just be
a little bit more transparent and vulnerable. Hey, here's what,
here's why I think you did wrong. And she was
just like, you know what, Like I couldn't handle that better.
That's really important. So there was a reason why y'all
broke up. Well, she was really afraid that I was
going to like come back to La and just like

(50:34):
forget about her, So she tried to kind of self
sabotage a relationship.

Speaker 1 (50:37):
It's a long copy. I get it. I understand that.

Speaker 4 (50:40):
But you know, like we had when she came back
to my life, we just had a different type of
communication that allowed us to actually go deeper, right, And
then I realized, Okay, I'm going to play some of
my life.

Speaker 1 (50:50):
And then timing is important. Time isn't important, you know
what I mean.

Speaker 4 (50:53):
Like I was out of the league, and I was
just like, okay, this is is to have a girl
in the league is not conducive.

Speaker 1 (51:00):
It's not gonna do. It's just too hard. It's hard,
hard traveling.

Speaker 4 (51:04):
Yeah, yeah, the lifestyle, it's just hard. So timing was important,
you know. So we said hard for I was like,
my gentleman, but yeah, so so so time was important man.
And then just from there we just continue to build.
And then we were doing a long distance thing like Jalan.

(51:24):
I was going back and forth, spend a lot of money.
She was coming here. She was missing work to come
see me, and I was just like, yo, like yeah,
let's make it happen.

Speaker 1 (51:31):
And she wanted to come to l A anyway. Yeah,
and she made it. She came.

Speaker 2 (51:34):
Bro.

Speaker 4 (51:35):
Well, you had said something about I want to say
something about your son. Bro, I think your son is
going to be here. Your son is going to grow
up in a fantastic position. Right, you have influence, authority, power,
all these things, Okay, and it is going to be
hard for him. But something that I didn't have for
my dad. Right, he didn't give me any type of
just eight principles that you should look for in a woman,

(51:57):
all right, And what I think. I think you guys
have a great relationship. So you should just start instilling
principles to look for in a woman, even though it's
gonna be hard. So it's like, all right, look, what
are your values? You know what I'm saying.

Speaker 1 (52:08):
You as a man, what are your values? Okay? Cool?

Speaker 4 (52:10):
One of my values is family, absolutely, So now I
got to look for a woman who's into family, right,
what are your family?

Speaker 1 (52:17):
Like?

Speaker 4 (52:17):
Asking those questions? He got to ask those questions. You
gotta facilitate those questions.

Speaker 1 (52:21):
Right.

Speaker 4 (52:22):
I'm looking for a woman who is not all about herself, right,
someone who's carrying.

Speaker 1 (52:27):
How do I figure that out? Okay? Cool? Well, a
way to figure out that is, yo, does does she pay? Sometimes?

Speaker 2 (52:33):
Right?

Speaker 4 (52:33):
She willing to pay sometimes. These are small signs that
are going to show up in good women. Now, a
good woman is.

Speaker 1 (52:38):
Not you know, that's gonna be a viral clip. Right.
Oh yeah, Duke says his girl. You know that's what
they're going to do. That's not what Duke said but
I understand where you're coming from.

Speaker 4 (52:48):
Though a good woman is not mistake free, though she's
gonna still have mistakes.

Speaker 1 (52:51):
Absolutely what I'm saying. But there's certain things you could
look for and look.

Speaker 4 (52:54):
If you're a god fearing religious person, then it's just like, hey, listen,
do you go to church, do you pray?

Speaker 1 (53:00):
Right?

Speaker 4 (53:00):
And like, you know, they talk about talk a lot
about women having checklist mm hmm, you gotta have a checklist.

Speaker 1 (53:06):
I had a checklist. You gotta have a checklist.

Speaker 3 (53:08):
Everybody got a check I had a check Everybody had
to check, whether they know it or not.

Speaker 1 (53:13):
You have a check checklist. You know through data, you
have a checklist, right, I had a super checklist. I'll
get on your checklist, bad ass. Yeah, I know me,
and I love that. I was deliberate.

Speaker 2 (53:32):
I'm gonna be honest. I was deliberate about and this
is probably gonna get attack too. I was delibered about
the dating a woman with a father. And the reason
why is because when I first went to Kadeen's house,
her grandmother said, come here, sweetheart, come sit down. I
sat down at that table and her grandmother made Kadeen

(53:53):
go get a ceramic plate, with an actual iron fork
to make my plate. And what that said to me was,
this young lady has been taught by the women in
her life how to treat a man, the same way
my mom and my dad made sure I knew how
to treat a woman. So the biggest thing on my
list was to make sure I find someone who had

(54:14):
a good, strong family unit, because prior to that, I
had dated a couple of women whose father's weren't in
their life, and sometimes the way they spoke to me,
it was almost like, you either want me to slap
the shit out of you or you want me to
cheat on you, because you're talking to me like I'm
beneath you and if the only way I can show
you love is through disrespect, because that's all you know,
I don't want to you know what I'm saying. So

(54:35):
after that is when I was like, I gotta find
that was the number one, that I gotta find a
young woman who has a father, and then it was fat.

Speaker 3 (54:42):
Ass So the same order though the family part was
extremely important to me, and it was important to me
because I actually need somebody that loves theyself or I'll
take advantage of.

Speaker 1 (54:59):
You and you can't get that.

Speaker 3 (55:01):
If people haven't been telling you who you are your
entire life.

Speaker 1 (55:04):
That was deep.

Speaker 2 (55:05):
Take it back on one time. You knew that if
they didn't love themselves, you would take it.

Speaker 3 (55:10):
I'll take advantage of their lack of self love. So
that's deep. It's super deep. I told you I'm not
that good of a person, right. The fact that you
know that is important. So my fiance, she taught me
how to love her. She showed me what love looks
like for her. But she could only do that if

(55:30):
people tell her who she is every day.

Speaker 1 (55:32):
Absolutely, that's a good one. That's a good one. What
was your list? Fat ass? Bro? Fat ass? Why is
that something that's so high on the list? I mean,
what is that about? Why is that something that's so
high on the list. Do you don't really want to
have this conversation? I mean I feel like you have
the conversation. Yeahap clap, I love it.

Speaker 2 (55:55):
Plus, there's nothing like when your woman puts on heels
and she's statue wes and she you know, lean and
that shit pop out and she just walked by.

Speaker 1 (56:04):
It's like I didn't ask to love ass like that.
It was put upon me. You know what, I'm saying
like some people are breasts. That's me.

Speaker 2 (56:16):
It's all about that for me. Also, I knew I wouldn't.
I knew I was gonna have sons. You can ask
my wife. We was in college and she was just like,
how many kids you want to have? I said, I
have three kids. They're all gonna be boys. I don't
make girls. That's what I said to her. And then
I told her, I said, you lucky you athletic, because
my kids got to be athletic. And I knew that
the bubble and a woman meant that she had some
athleticism because her mom ran track. She Jamaican. So for me,

(56:37):
it wasn't just about the look. It was like, oh
she an athlete. And if my sons get my wife's body,
they can't you know, they can't have.

Speaker 1 (56:44):
The you know, you know what I'm saying. You see
people who are not athletic, you know, coordinated.

Speaker 2 (56:51):
You know what I'm saying. I needed to make sure.
So I watched I watched k walk. She was a
pagant girl. She put them heels on, she didn't stumble,
she still tall. Also, her confidence it's what freaking got me.
Like Kadeen was so confident at a young age that
I was like, gosh, this, I've never seen an eighteen

(57:12):
year old woman standing up in front of a bunch
of people. She was a pageant girl, she was a
hostess and just hi everyone, I'm Kadeen Ellis and now
I'm here at that and I'm just like, yo, because
you know how it is when you eighteen girls are
shy and they tend me. She wasn't like that. That
just got me because I know how I am. I
like to talk, I like to be out. So I'm like,
if I like to be out, I need somebody with

(57:33):
me that when I'm out there, just like.

Speaker 1 (57:34):
Nothing, No, come with me. And she took that and
she ran with and I was like, well, I love
this one. Here she was. She was my one, Like
everything about her was.

Speaker 2 (57:42):
Just what I needed in my life. Yeah, that's what
I needed.

Speaker 1 (57:45):
I needed. I needed a woman who had a fat ass.

Speaker 3 (57:47):
I needed a woman who wanted a family because I
knew that was something that I wanted at some point
in my life. And then I guess the other thing
would be Damn, I just lost my thought.

Speaker 1 (58:00):
Let's see a distracted distracted you know what, I'm like,
what family? God, God, godly and.

Speaker 3 (58:12):
Excuse me. Just like yourself outgoing, I am super social.
I'm a social butterfly. You put me in the room,
I'm going to talk to people. I'm gonna just like
a butterfly. I'm gonna float, you know what I mean?
Here here, And I wanted someone who could compliment that
and who could also hold their own and I'm not
around because when I turn my back, I need someone
who could possibly seal the deal for me.

Speaker 1 (58:34):
So when I got into the conversation.

Speaker 3 (58:39):
And now we're moving on, so that was important for
me because I knew that that was going to help
make me better.

Speaker 2 (58:43):
So that was important for me to have that checklist.
That's not that's you bet a lot of the same.
That's why Wise when they did the podcast, got along
so much because they like the same person who's your
list due personal lists.

Speaker 1 (59:04):
Man, family oriented, someone who is just loving.

Speaker 4 (59:07):
I think for me, Man, I had the tendency to
like get so doubted too, sports work, whatever the case
may be, that sometimes I could fit.

Speaker 1 (59:14):
I forget. I have a family, right and my girls
like heyo call your mom? Yeah yeah, and.

Speaker 4 (59:20):
You need to have you spoke to your brothers, have
you spoke to your mom. Hey, listen, you need to
get better at that. Right, So someone who is going
to make it, who's going to hold me accountable to
keeping my flame going with my family? That was really important, right,
someone my family loved, My family loves her, right, and
she's super accommodating to my family values.

Speaker 1 (59:42):
Right.

Speaker 4 (59:43):
So she's not Nigerian. Nigerians are tough, Nigerians are judgmental, Right,
Nigerians will try to test you if you're not Nigerian.

Speaker 1 (59:51):
Right.

Speaker 4 (59:51):
Yeah, she was just eating it and you was not
not even like a not even just like a just
taking it in like a like a you know, a victim,
but really like taking it flipping it back.

Speaker 1 (01:00:04):
Hey, yo, I'm going to meet you with love.

Speaker 4 (01:00:05):
Yeah, I'm going to meet you with Oh auntie, here's
what we brought for you. You know what I'm saying, more
so than I've ever done. So that was really important
for me. And I realized how she can maneuver it
in that environment and meant that she would be accommodating
to whatever comes with that. Right, someone who was super intelligent.
I need to be able to talk to you. I
just need to be able to talk to you and like,

(01:00:27):
I feel like I'm a pretty smart person.

Speaker 1 (01:00:30):
You know what I'm saying. I'm an in depth thinker.

Speaker 4 (01:00:33):
I want to talk about anything and everything, and I
want to deal with the person I love. And if
you can't do that with me, you're not for me,
all right. So that was on my list. Someone who
I could talk to, someone who knew how to argue, right,
someone who knew how to just disagree.

Speaker 1 (01:00:51):
Okay, Okay, that's what I'm saying. You know why that is? Dope?
You say that, you know what?

Speaker 2 (01:00:55):
The second thing on here is, yeah, finding out as
a man how now to always want to be writing's
on the paper right here, because I wanted to ask
y'all about this. So I'm glad you brought that up.
And now you just talk about that.

Speaker 4 (01:01:07):
And now that I think about that, which we're talking
about what you said, what you finished saying, Now that
I think about the argument part, right, you asked me earlier,
how did I know she was the one? Or how
do I know when you were? I do remember when
we were dating, all right. It was our first type
of disagreement and it was the yo. So what are
we that type of Okay? Okay, okay, okay. And when

(01:01:30):
we first had that talk, you know, it was in
shower and she was like, YO, like, let me ask
you a question. Was like, YO, like, so we've been
dating a couple, we've been hanging out with you where
you see this going right and usually you know my
heartstar Race. I'm like, how to answer this? So then
we just start talking. I said, you know what, man,
here's some things I would like to see from you
before we moved it, before we moved to the next step.

(01:01:52):
I've never met your family yet.

Speaker 1 (01:01:53):
I haven't.

Speaker 4 (01:01:53):
I haven't met your sisters. We've been dating for X
amount of time. You talk about your sisters, but I've
never met them, right, So I talking about things that
she was doing wrong while we're dating, and she didn
spas out. She just took it and was like, Okay,
I can make I can make that correction. So for
a woman to want to make corrections when she's not
even locked in with somebody like that, it said he

(01:02:14):
told me a lot that, like, Okay, we can have
a difficult conversation. We can have a like difficult conversation
right now and move something happens from it right now.
It gave me confidence that Okay, this person is someone.

Speaker 1 (01:02:26):
I could really build a life with.

Speaker 4 (01:02:28):
Right and immediately, like next week, start making changes everything
I was talking about, Start making changes, Start making changes
instead of just dismissing it and me like, now I
ain't doing all that.

Speaker 1 (01:02:36):
My boy that I was talking about was going to
hear this. One thing is he's not jimmying.

Speaker 2 (01:02:40):
People are gonna put two and two together when they
watched this, but he's not germying.

Speaker 1 (01:02:43):
He's doing well for himself, making money.

Speaker 2 (01:02:45):
And he's the one who called me about you know,
if she if she wants to be with a guy
like me, she should know. And I literally said to him,
I said, well, how was she going to know if
you don't give her a chance to make adjustments?

Speaker 1 (01:02:54):
And he said and then he said, I need to
go to therapy.

Speaker 2 (01:02:59):
And I said why he said, even though he's not Jerry,
And he said, I've never seen a positive family atmosphere
because of the things that happened in my culture and
the way I want to live my life.

Speaker 1 (01:03:09):
I didn't watch that, so I don't know how to
exist in that.

Speaker 2 (01:03:11):
And he was like, I have to learn how to
be in a relationship, which goes back to what you
said that you had to learn how to be the
right man for your fiance.

Speaker 1 (01:03:21):
You know, you see what I'm saying?

Speaker 2 (01:03:22):
Like that all it's funny to hear y'all talk about
this because I've never experienced this. And this is why
I like doing these type of podcasts where it's just men,
because typically when it's me and Kadeen, I give my perspective,
she gives her perspective. But both of our perspectives are
very linear because we met each other when we were eighteen.
So it's like when people ask us, well, when y'all
was dated, would y'all do this? And I'm like, I

(01:03:45):
wasn't really dating in twenty six, Like I can't even
give you advice on that. I can't, you know what
I'm saying. So these conversations are really helping me. Also,
he quit my sons because Jackson literally said to me
last week, yeah, I'm starting to get more confident and
you know, talking to girls.

Speaker 1 (01:04:01):
And I asked him myself, what makes you more confident?

Speaker 2 (01:04:03):
He was like, well, number one, I'm finally taller than them,
because you know, girls, that's the thing before us.

Speaker 1 (01:04:09):
You know.

Speaker 2 (01:04:10):
So now he's about he's five to five now, so
all the girls in his age shorten him an eye level,
and he started lifting weights. He's like, I feel a
little bit more plus the test to talk about how
to do.

Speaker 1 (01:04:21):
But he's coming.

Speaker 2 (01:04:22):
So we having in real conversations and he's just like,
so when you start talking to mom, and I'm just like, well,
he's gonna ask me questions when he's in his twenties
and I'm going to say, I don't know because at
this point I was already with your mom, Like you're
talking about dating girls like imagine him twenty seven, twenty eight, Dad,
I got this chick on mating.

Speaker 1 (01:04:38):
She lives in France and I live here. How did
you and mom deal with that?

Speaker 3 (01:04:41):
But you don't got too though, That's why you say
you call call called uncle Duke. Yeah, no, I'm gon
tapping with uncle. I'm definitely gonna do that, you know
what I mean, absolutely, And that's that's why the what
we're doing right here is important. Building with other brothers
is important, connected with like my individuals support. We talk
about the shit all the time, you know what I mean,
Like I want to know that, like if my kids

(01:05:01):
get sent to you, or if you're watching your kids
you're enforcing the same value as a science structure that
I am.

Speaker 1 (01:05:06):
You know what I mean, because sometimes as a kid,
you don't want to hear from your pops. Now, it's
great about relationship that y'all have, right, it's great.

Speaker 3 (01:05:14):
You're still his dad, and he don't look at me
like you do. You don't like nothing, nah, exactly exactly.
So it's it's another voice, and outside voice that you
trust is going to be really important and instrumental in
that growth process, right, Like these guys are I mean
you included in my life by design, Like it's I
know that. To Oh's point, I can't get to my

(01:05:36):
son all the time. I won't be able to get
to my son. But I will tell you this though
you feel like you're not equipped a lot of times.
But I hear the way that you speak, and you said,
I seen this eighteen year old woman. The fact that
you called her an eighteen year old woman told me
that you knew what you were looking for. You were
attracted to a mature woman at a young age. I

(01:05:59):
was at a young age, right, because eighteen year old
as a girl, right, But when somebody separates their self
and you could see like wow, it's a confidence, it's
a regalness that she carries herself with. She's sexy without
showing her body. I like that. That's a woman to me, right,
So you knew what you were looking at. I'm saying
as far as when it comes to your son, When
it comes to jackson, like you can absolutely tell him

(01:06:21):
what to look for because you knew what to look for.
You guys date all You guys date all the time.
I've seen you guys go on more dates than I
s We still do.

Speaker 1 (01:06:29):
We date once mandatory, but at least twice.

Speaker 3 (01:06:33):
And I don't want to take anything away from women
that are in relationships, but like, you do know how
to date. You do know how to make her continuously
feel sexy. You know those steps and you know those things.
You guys just go to bed tonight together every single night,
but you know exactly what that looks like.

Speaker 1 (01:06:50):
You know what she needs to feel.

Speaker 3 (01:06:51):
I'm gonna tell you the biggest thing that was important
for me when I was growing up. It wasn't my
mom and my dad's relationship. They got a divorce when
I was six, but it was my mother and my
stepdad's relationship because of the affection I got to see
in the home when she when she walks by and
he smack her on the ass, or you know, she's
at the kitchen and he comes up behind her and

(01:07:12):
he hugs her, and I'm like, oh, women like that.
The fact that you get to show your sons what
women like every day, that's who they're gonna emulate.

Speaker 1 (01:07:19):
Fact.

Speaker 3 (01:07:20):
So like my dad didn't do any of that. So
my brothers they have a bit of a disconnect with affection.
I don't have any disconnect with affection because I grew
up in the household seeing it all the time. So
I'm telling you, we could say all the words that
we want to say to our kids.

Speaker 1 (01:07:38):
They're gonna watch.

Speaker 3 (01:07:40):
They're gonna watch because I hear men who were unfaithful
to their wives, to their children's mom and they try
to speak to their son and tell them who he
should be, and he gonna only be what he sees.

Speaker 1 (01:07:52):
He say, you did this to mom. No.

Speaker 3 (01:07:54):
So again, this is when we say you said in
an incredible example, it's not because of the words you
hear you say, we hear you say, we can watch
your Instagram in silence.

Speaker 1 (01:08:02):
Act know exactly who you are. Action. It's my brother.
I appreciate that. Actually, that's what and not for nothing.

Speaker 2 (01:08:08):
That's a good time to take a break because you see,
I'm sweating like a freaking slave. Uh, it's hot in here, bro,
It's it's crazy here. We had to turn the AC
off because y'all wouldn't able to hear nothing. So we're
gonna take a quick break. We're gonna come back finish
with these letters listen to letters. So we're back after

(01:08:35):
you know, paying some bills. We got listening letters, so
I'm gonna let you guys help me with listening to letters.
Listen to letters are when people writing with their problems. Now,
this listening letter is four cards. You see this four cards,
So I'm gonna have to go through this. I guess
we we always told them we want context, so I
guess we're gonna get a lot of context.

Speaker 1 (01:08:51):
I saw if I brainier.

Speaker 2 (01:08:52):
Major and communication major, right, Yes, no problem, So let's
get money. It says what's up de Val and Kadeen,
So we're gonna add what's up Daval, Kadeen and DJ
from the nicest in the podcast like that, first and foremost,
thank you guys for the work you guys do it
helps so much. Let's get right to it. I need
y'all help. I need you'll help a nigga out. My

(01:09:16):
wife and I have been happily married for twelve years,
and now we're both in our early thirties, no kids,
and I absolutely can't keep my hands off my wife.

Speaker 1 (01:09:22):
I know that problem.

Speaker 2 (01:09:24):
I low keep married the damn supermodel and not really
sure how the fuck I pulled it off. I could
easily sit here courtside and she would catch the eye
of many professional athletes.

Speaker 1 (01:09:34):
The girl is so bad.

Speaker 2 (01:09:35):
She can come down the stairs with a bonnet and
the house roll on my dick and house roll on,
and my dick will instantly get hard.

Speaker 1 (01:09:43):
He going in. Y'all get it? Your wife fine, be
getting it all right, We all got fine wires. You're
going too much. Do you know how he's still going on?
How to describe his wife?

Speaker 2 (01:09:53):
Do you know how the fresh Krispy Kreme donuts look
when you're being glazed on.

Speaker 1 (01:09:57):
The Oh wow wow? All the conveyor belt trouble. How
did you let all of this get through here?

Speaker 2 (01:10:04):
Bro?

Speaker 1 (01:10:08):
You serious things? So okay? So he okay. So that's
that's what I see.

Speaker 2 (01:10:15):
If she gives me a glimpse of a calf muscle
fresh out the shower. Not only do I get the
privilege of being married to this mahogany, majestic goddess, but
this girl has a heart with the richness and size
of Africa Nigeria. In fact, for Duke, I say that
he didn't write that.

Speaker 1 (01:10:30):
I say that she.

Speaker 2 (01:10:31):
Has a heart of vibranium because she's held me down
in so many ways that only a person who truly
loves someone can I have just recently completed my PhD
in nuclear medicine, and she's an intel specialist for homeland security.

Speaker 1 (01:10:44):
Oh, it's probably busting his money again to it.

Speaker 2 (01:10:47):
All right, My process to getting my PhD was not
a pretty process, and financially it wasn't. I haven't been
able to contribute the way that I know she deserves,
because the schooling journey is intensive and mentally exhausting. In
the beginning, when the time some mind if my goal
wasn't favorable and people told me to let it go,
she said, Nah, bro, this is all you've talked about
since I've known you. You're going to get this doctorate

(01:11:08):
in the same vein we would be out to eating
because I couldn't have a job while I was in
school for ten plus years. She would slip me the
Oh my god, this is a beautiful woman. She would
slip me the debit card under the table when the
check would come.

Speaker 1 (01:11:19):
Jesus.

Speaker 2 (01:11:20):
I cried like a baby, sitting at a restaurant in Atlanta, thinking,
why would someone be so beautiful who could effortlessly get
a seven figure nigga with her smile do this for me?
Here we are now, though, my sexual appetite for her
is often a point of contention because I just can't
get enough. I struggled with porn during the first couple
years of our marriage, but I prayed for release from
that because I didn't like the control that took over me.

(01:11:41):
Since twenty eighteen, I hadn't touched it. I no longer
have to clear the browsing history off my laptop. Everybody
knows about that when company comes over.

Speaker 1 (01:11:51):
Lol.

Speaker 2 (01:11:52):
The problem is I often feel like a weirdo because
I want sex so much from my wife. I do too,
trust me, I know, but I know it's not on
her mind like it is mine.

Speaker 1 (01:11:59):
Mine isn't either.

Speaker 2 (01:12:00):
There has unequivalently been zero infidelity in our marriage. But
I am afraid that if we keep going the way
we are, I may break like I'm a catch to
just not a twelve out of ten like she is
maybe eight eight point five, but all.

Speaker 1 (01:12:13):
My side teeth. Wait, but I got all my side teeth.

Speaker 2 (01:12:17):
I'm six to one, consistent, four pack abs, natural hairline,
and older women in my network make.

Speaker 1 (01:12:22):
Advances from time to time.

Speaker 2 (01:12:23):
He talking like a nuclear physicist, like they can since
when the dick ain't been getting sucked exact.

Speaker 1 (01:12:32):
This is hilarious. It's hilarious.

Speaker 2 (01:12:34):
It ain't goes like my wife hates sucking dick and
I love to be a pussy, and I think she
doesn't even like getting ate out.

Speaker 1 (01:12:41):
I tell her I'm gonna let you. I'm'a let you.

Speaker 2 (01:12:43):
Sit on my face when I get home, or make
a general advance, and I can immediately feel in sense
She's like weirded out and arguments then ensue. I try
to explain to her that I can't help that I'm
infatuated with her and only her. Our last argument about
sex ended with her letting me know that most of
the time when we do have sex, she actually doesn't
want to. She just does it to make me happy, Bro,

(01:13:05):
that's the worst because I don't.

Speaker 1 (01:13:08):
Y'all y'all larious beautiful.

Speaker 2 (01:13:14):
That's the worst because I don't want her to do
it out of guilt or obligation. She made a statement
along the lines that my expectations are for her to
be a porn star, and that was a low blow
because I worked my ass off to lose that addiction and.

Speaker 1 (01:13:25):
Been cleaned since twenty eighteen.

Speaker 2 (01:13:27):
On that, bro, I don't think one is sex ten
times a month and willing to settle for hand jobs.

Speaker 1 (01:13:33):
Is porn star? Ask a porn star esque like damn.

Speaker 2 (01:13:36):
Sometimes when she's on her cycle, I won't let her
give me a hand job.

Speaker 1 (01:13:40):
Considering the pain and cramps and stuff.

Speaker 2 (01:13:42):
I feel like that would be fucked up to take
pleasure while she's in pain. To be fair, she has
a traumatic pass from childhood that would have that. We've
sought professional help, and I often feel that sometimes that
past situation affects us and it's rough. Help me out
because I got nes bro, cheating ain't an option, and
I love her to life that.

Speaker 1 (01:14:04):
I got anxiety super layer.

Speaker 3 (01:14:07):
So it started off beautiful, man, My initial thought is
off the top is before you even said she had trauma.
I was already leaning there. I'm like, there's got to
be something. There has to be something in her past
for her not to be connected with him like this.
To me, it sounds like it's clear that she's not

(01:14:27):
over it, you know what I mean, And although they
went to seek counsel for it, maybe it's something that
they haven't actually fully made it through, you know.

Speaker 1 (01:14:37):
So on top of that, though, like.

Speaker 3 (01:14:41):
It's clear that he's talking, he's voicing his opinion to
his woman. But maybe he needs to change the setting
and where he's telling her at. Maybe he needs to
change up the environment. Maybe it's maybe it's it's it's
triggering to her where he's telling her at.

Speaker 2 (01:14:55):
You know, let me ask a question, and this is
just me playing devil's advocate, but also just being honest.
Why does it seem like we as men always have
to jump through so many hoops when we're not the
only ones that want monogamy. Women want monogamy too, especially
from a man that they say I want that man
to be my man. Part of that monogamy means that

(01:15:16):
you want me to share all of my sexual exploits
with only you. So if I'm only supposed to share
my sexual exploits with you. Why can't you make it
a safe space for me.

Speaker 1 (01:15:26):
To do that. Maybe she wasn't aware of what the
expectation was. That is actually a very good point, you
know what I mean.

Speaker 3 (01:15:34):
Sometimes that happens when we haven't expressed exactly what we're
looking for or what we need. We kind of just
kept it internally and just assumed them to know because
she's the woman and I'm the man, you know what
I mean, And that's how it goes. So I would
say that's the first thing. It's just like the assumption
that she understands what I'm saying or that what my
needs are to the point, yeah, probably that when do

(01:15:57):
you have that conversation or during the dating process, like
like what does it sound like? Like hey listen, Because
he said I don't think having sex ten times a
month is porn star ResQue ten times a month would
be what two point five times a week, so maybe
two to three times a week. I would have to
agree with him and say I don't think that's porn star.

Speaker 1 (01:16:15):
Well did he say that? I mean, what's the what's
the job situation now?

Speaker 4 (01:16:18):
Is she's still like because that makes that makes a difference.
That makes a difference. He said something, Well, she slip me.
He was talking about all these qualities about her. Well,
maybe she's built, maybe she loves him, but that can
build resentment if you're not if you're not moving and progressing, right,
we can.

Speaker 1 (01:16:35):
See that in acrimony.

Speaker 4 (01:16:36):
And here's the thing, yore like arousal from a woman's standpoint,
it's not just your physical it's not just yourr good yo,
I want other guys to respect you.

Speaker 1 (01:16:47):
Do other men respect you? You feel me? Did y'all
hear that?

Speaker 2 (01:16:51):
But it's true though, because women will say that though
it's other men. Look at your man?

Speaker 1 (01:16:56):
All right? Cool?

Speaker 4 (01:16:57):
So now you're talking about all right, well I got
solid four pack, Well go get a six pack.

Speaker 1 (01:17:03):
You got it?

Speaker 2 (01:17:04):
I mean, just like you wanted some funny though, dude,
me and my friends have the same conversation. Sometimes you
got to be better than what you think she is
your best to get the type of woman that you want.
Because he s you seeked out this supermodel chick that's
super smart who makes money.

Speaker 4 (01:17:17):
So that's a good point for sure. And then you
you just listed off all these things. So maybe she
feels like she's settling for you, but she's gonna definitely
diminish her arousal. That's just how it is. And people
will love you through that, right, but.

Speaker 1 (01:17:31):
Not have sex with you.

Speaker 3 (01:17:33):
Yeah, And he said, I don't know how I got her.
I don't know how I deserve her, and like we
all love our women, but you know exactly that, right,
not exactly how I got her. Also, you know that's
that's a perspective look to look at. Another perspective is
they're not speaking the same language, right, And and it's

(01:17:57):
tough because and we talk about the porn issue a lot.
Porn is very very damaging to the way that you
view affection because and porn affection is kind of like
non existent. It just shows you reaction the business, getting
too the business and how good it be when you
are in there.

Speaker 1 (01:18:17):
Right.

Speaker 3 (01:18:17):
So we have a I think it's known now that
women need to be stimulated mentally and emotionally before they
can even get to that physical part of like really
desiring that space.

Speaker 1 (01:18:29):
So throughout the day and we talked.

Speaker 3 (01:18:33):
About like warming up, warming your woman up, Like I
don't know if that exists.

Speaker 1 (01:18:38):
This is what I said. It's layered to your point
Duke of if.

Speaker 3 (01:18:41):
I'm sliding my man in the card, I know that
I'm the one kind of like taking care of things.

Speaker 1 (01:18:45):
I'm doing this. It's like.

Speaker 3 (01:18:48):
That space of stimulation isn't necessarily there. It's just not there.
It's non existent, and it's not showing up because I
couldn't imagine my girl telling me after how many years?

Speaker 1 (01:19:01):
What was the years they've been together? Twelve years?

Speaker 3 (01:19:04):
Twelve years? Like you know, like, nah, I'm kind of good.
I know that it's me. It's not you. It's a
me thing. So I don't know how he's approaching the habit,
the poor, the poorn addiction habit, because a lot of
times we want to act that out right and you
want to make that out and she's like, I don't know,
don't want to do that. That's what I'm trying to do.

(01:19:24):
You didn't even get me to the point to do that.
To Duke's point, the lack of respect that she may
see in him and then also see around when it
comes to other men. Matter of fact, I'm thinking about
this more. She might be the one that lack respect.
It may not even be other men, because she's sliding
the card under the table because she don't want.

Speaker 1 (01:19:44):
To ye, yes, see that yeah.

Speaker 3 (01:19:48):
Yeah, So like I don't see how you slide on
the card, and it's like, all right, take me, that's fair.

Speaker 1 (01:19:54):
I'm the masculine.

Speaker 4 (01:19:55):
That's fair energy in your card because I still love you, yep, right,
and that's all that is. I love you, So I
want to preserve your integrity. I don't want you to
be embarrassed.

Speaker 1 (01:20:05):
See.

Speaker 2 (01:20:05):
I wish he would have told us where he is
financially now so that we could understand, because all he
talked about in the very beginning, he said he got
his degree, but that doesn't mean the degree translated to
making money to where he can be the one.

Speaker 1 (01:20:17):
Now to be like, baby, I got it.

Speaker 4 (01:20:19):
That's actually a good value, right, And like you just said,
like he's talking about like pretty much he's.

Speaker 1 (01:20:25):
Writing like he all kicked his coverage. That's literally where
I said.

Speaker 4 (01:20:28):
So any guy's walking around like I'll kick my coverage,
it's not like commanding that type of respect from your woman,
right You'll say, your woman's not looking up to you. Yeah,
that's going to affect you sexually, you know what I'm saying,
Especially if you're the one who always wants to have sex,
especially where she feels like, Okay, now it's a burden,
a burden to.

Speaker 1 (01:20:47):
Me, all right. Nah, I agree with that. I agree
with that.

Speaker 2 (01:20:51):
I hope, sir, he didn't leave his name, but I
do hope he was able to listen and will be
able to take what you guys say, because I'm always
the one on the giving end of this, like when
guys right in and then I'm told sometimes and I'm
too hard on the guys because well, everybody ain't gonna
be able to do this and make this money and
play in the NFL. And I said, what, everything ain't

(01:21:12):
about money, but everything is about how you see yourself.
And if your girl sees that you don't see yourself
in a high value, she's not going every time. And
you guys just confirmed that because all of you have
all said that in one way or another. You gotta
feel yourself in order for your girl to feel you.

Speaker 3 (01:21:31):
You gotta feel like the prize in order for her
to understand you are one. So that you gotta feel
like the prize in order for her to understand that
you are one.

Speaker 1 (01:21:39):
If you another.

Speaker 2 (01:21:44):
Says men of the prize, you have to feel like
you are the prize.

Speaker 1 (01:21:49):
For her to recognize that.

Speaker 2 (01:21:51):
You are one and vice versa lively every day you
walked in the house and your girl told you, like, man,
I don't even deserve you.

Speaker 3 (01:21:57):
Man, you're just such a good man. You're just I
gotta don't even know how I even got you. I'm
surprised that all the women out there that look at
you can't just get you at the drop of a hat.
You're gonna tell you that all the time. You be
looking at it, like, bro, we in this together, right, right,
you gotta have that that. I don't want to say.
I don't want to say self respect as if he's
lacking it, but you gotta do.

Speaker 1 (01:22:19):
Yeah, he do.

Speaker 2 (01:22:20):
I do feel like he does lack of respect for himself,
even the way he wrote that letter. It's a four
page letter about how beautiful his wife is, but also
downplaying himself.

Speaker 1 (01:22:29):
Then in a super.

Speaker 2 (01:22:30):
Bowl looking at the lights, yes, like this the whole game,
and it's like, bruh, yeah.

Speaker 1 (01:22:35):
You got to get in the game. That is true.

Speaker 2 (01:22:37):
That's a good analogy because you are in the super
Bowl looking at the lights, and if you are a coach,
you like.

Speaker 1 (01:22:41):
You're not playing. You gotta play it. Coach, won't be like,
get your ass in the back, but what you doing? So?

Speaker 2 (01:22:48):
Nah, I appreciate that, sir. What would you say if
we wasn't here, I would have you gould add trouble.
I would have literally said the same thing, like you
gotta believe in yourself. The first thing I would have
said was, well, after you got the PhD, are you
earning enough now where you can treat your woman the
way she treated you?

Speaker 1 (01:23:05):
If you got a four pack.

Speaker 2 (01:23:06):
I say this to dudes all the time, get an
eight pack if your girl requires that, you need more
of this, Because we as men often require out of
our girls, don't we be the first ones to be
like I like if you get a little tighter, you
get that a little bit. We will all say we
like ass. I'm the same one telling Kay like yo
hit that squad rat twice a week, you know what
I'm saying. So for me, it ain't nothing for me
to tell myself like I got to eat better.

Speaker 1 (01:23:28):
You know what I'm saying. I got a question for you.

Speaker 3 (01:23:30):
Yeah, And this is like us as brothers talking right
when you just said, you know, sometime I look at
my wife and I'd be like, yo, hit that squad rack.
How did you guys get to the point for you
to get to that level of critique and feel comfortable
with saying it and know that you're not attacking her,
but you know, you just you're speaking from a real
place of love.

Speaker 2 (01:23:50):
To be honest, I think it was easy for me
because my wife was a pageant queen. Her mom is
Jamaican and her mom will pinch her side every day
of her life and be like, you're not where you
need to be. So I think she was already conditioned
to understand that that type of critique is also coming
from a place of love. Plus she's also extremely vain,
like I don't have to do much of that getting
the squad right stuff. K wakes up every morning and

(01:24:13):
she does the sideways. Everybody knows that girl to do that,
and they pull it back and they just babe what
you think.

Speaker 1 (01:24:21):
A lot of times I have to tell her like, yo,
you relax.

Speaker 2 (01:24:25):
You know what I'm saying, You just had a baby,
Calm down, that she's the one that's in the gym,
Train me, train me. So for me, I just chose
a woman that I knew would appreciate herself and how
she looked enough that I wouldn't have to be the
drill sergeant.

Speaker 1 (01:24:37):
So for me, I didn't really have to go through
that like that.

Speaker 2 (01:24:39):
Like she she self motivates, you know, she just doesn't
like for me to train with her because then I
go and then I'm now, you're supposed to do it
like this, and then she looking at I'm like, I'm
not a football player, and I'm like, I'm not training
you like a football player. I'm just saying that I've
done this, and if you want to get more of
the group, Maximus.

Speaker 1 (01:24:57):
You might want to turn your fee. If fuck you
the valo, Okay, well get a trainer. I can't do it.

Speaker 2 (01:25:04):
Yeah, I'm not doing it. I'm not And that's been
good for us. You know what I'm saying. We go
to the gym, you that way, I go down somebody,
Do you see any videos of me and k with me? Like, no,
I'm here, she's there.

Speaker 1 (01:25:21):
That works for us. That works. That keeps us out
a lot of arguments.

Speaker 2 (01:25:26):
If you want to be featured on one of our
listening letters, make sure you email us at that that's
advice dot com. That's d E A D A S
S A d V I C E at gmail dot com.
Now before we leave, we always finish with a moment
of truth. I mean, give each of you a minute
to say your moment of truth. My moment of truth
is very simple. As men, we have to use discernment

(01:25:48):
the same way we ask women to use discernment. If
you're looking for a woman, make sure you're looking for
a woman that wants to be monogamous, not just be
a wife, because there are two different things. You can
be a wife without being monogo but if you find
a woman that aspires to be monogamous, you have a
better opportunity to find someone that's gonna be your soulmate
like you.

Speaker 1 (01:26:07):
That's my moment of truth. Bow, go ahead, go ahead.

Speaker 4 (01:26:11):
Hey, so moment of truth. Okay, So you can as
a man, you can create the exact relationship that you
want to create, all right, And it comes down to you.
It's no one else's responsibility to make you handsome. There's
no one else's responsibility to make you successful. Talk about intelligence,
all right. Anything you want to create, you can create.

(01:26:31):
It's your decision to choose women and have discernment, and
you know, pick the right type of women that align
with your morals and values. All right, Stop getting out
here and complaining about women, all right, Shut up, stop
complaining about women.

Speaker 1 (01:26:45):
Just be better, all right.

Speaker 4 (01:26:46):
When you just become better and make yourself the best
you can make yourself, all right, you become desirable and
when you come, when you become your ultimate self, bro,
you can pick and have any women, any woman you want.

Speaker 1 (01:26:58):
All right.

Speaker 4 (01:26:59):
So it's a very bulletproof way of thinking about things.
Don't be complaining, Just get better.

Speaker 3 (01:27:05):
Moment of truth, fellas, we gotta be honest. If we
need help, we gotta see counsel. If you need to
be if you what, excuse me, we gotta see wise counsel.
If you know you need to remove yourself from certain
situations because you found you feel like you fall to
victim to certain things in those in those moments, then
you need to avoid those type of situations, and you

(01:27:27):
gotta be honest with yourself about that. If you know
that you need to do more self work, you gotta
be honest with yourself about that. You need to look
yourself in the mirror and demand the highest out of yourself.
You can't expect your brothers to demand it out of you,
your mother, your girlfriend, your wife, you gotta demand that
out of yourself. But it's first, It's got to start
with you being honest with yourself.

Speaker 1 (01:27:47):
Moment of truth.

Speaker 3 (01:27:48):
I got it, now you got it, got it, Let's
get money. Moment of truth. Monogamy is a choice. Monogamy
is not a lifetime choice that you say, heyo, I'm
gonna think about it once and I'm going to establish it.
Monogamy is a day to day, moment to moment, minute
to minute choice. Monogamy is understanding who you are when

(01:28:09):
you are in the most treacherous of positions. Monogamy is
understanding who you are when things are good and bad.
Monogamy is a decision that you're making, not off of
somebody else's actions, but off of your decisions and your
thoughts and your convictions. Monogamy is a choice that is
my moment of truth. And I'm not gonna cheat just
because my partner cheated. It's a choice that I made.

(01:28:33):
So I think people feel like you're gonna magically wake
up and be monogamous because that's what you see and
your parents do, and you've seen other good couples do. No,
you have to choose monogamy, gentlemen, I want to thank
y'all nice and neat podcast. Please, each one of y'all
say your name, say your Instagram handles where we can
find y'all.

Speaker 4 (01:28:51):
Yeah, man, my name is Duke Ihanacho. You can find
me at Duke right. I don't know how I got
the name, but you know that's crazy, very simple on
Duke Universities under the back for it right, It's Duke
at d u k E. And yeah, it's been a pleasure.

Speaker 1 (01:29:06):
Bro. My name is Omar Bolden.

Speaker 3 (01:29:09):
You can find me on all platforms at Omar dot
Bolden and your devo. Bro, thank you for giving us
this opportunity to connect to builds and to share the platform. Yes, sir,
my name is Jalan Webster. You can find me at
just dot jeln j A l O N. I was
trying to get at Jalan but I couldn't get it,

(01:29:30):
so it's just dot jelan.

Speaker 1 (01:29:32):
Thanks de Val. Appreciate you. I had to give you
real thank you man.

Speaker 3 (01:29:42):
We really appreciate you and the time that we spent
and feel like just really kicking it with one of us.

Speaker 1 (01:29:48):
We love your platform, We love what you and your
wife are doing.

Speaker 3 (01:29:50):
And keep spreading this positivity and continue to help relationships
be cool.

Speaker 1 (01:29:57):
Yes, sir, thank you, No, I appreciate y'all.

Speaker 2 (01:29:59):
Let make sure you on patreonicy exclusive Deadass podcast video content,
and find us on social media.

Speaker 1 (01:30:05):
That's dead Ass the podcast.

Speaker 2 (01:30:06):
Kadeen is my wife known as Kadeen, I am and
I Am Devout, and if you're listening on Apple podcasts.

Speaker 1 (01:30:11):
Be sure to rate, review, and subscribe dead Ass y'all.

Speaker 2 (01:30:17):
Cut dead Ass is a production of iHeartMedia podcast Network
and its produced by Donor Opinya and Triple. Follow the
podcast on social media at dead Ass the Podcast and
never miss a Thing