December 15, 2021 • 49 mins
The line between life and death becomes its thinnest during childbirth. In this episode, the Ellises discuss their brush with death after Khadeen developed postpartum preeclampsia. Dead ass.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:01):
I said this before and I'll say it again. Given
birth is the closest you'll get to death, and I'm
proof of that this fourth time around. Unfortunately, but I'm
here and I've been living to see another day, So
thank God for that. Hey. I'm Cadine and we're the Ellises.
(00:25):
You may know us from posting funny videos with our
boys and reading each other publicly as a form of therapy. Wait,
I'll make you need therapy most days. Wow. And one
more important thing to mention, we're married. We are. We
created this podcast to open dialogue about some of life's
most taboo topics, things most folks don't want to talk
(00:45):
about through the lens of a millennium married couple. Dead
adds is the term that we say every day. So
when we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts, the truth,
the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Were about
to take pillow talk to a whole new level. Dead
Ass starts right now. After Codeine gave birth to Dakota,
(01:13):
I remember saying to her, baby, if you feel anyway,
in particular, you feel nauseous, headache, something don't feel right,
open your mouth and tell me. And she was like okay, babe,
I got you. Fast forward about a week and a
(01:34):
half later, Codeine is walking in the house and I'm
just like, hey, baby, all right. She's just like, yeah,
I just have a headache. And I'm like, well, how
long have you had this headache? Now? I had a
headache for a couple of days. So I'm like, all right, well,
you know, I know sleep deprivation is real, and you
did just have a baby, so you know, have you
(01:55):
been drinking water? Have you've been eating? And she's like,
I'm not sure if I've been drinking enough. And her
mom and dad are here, both nurses, was like, yo,
let me take your your blood pressure. They take Conde's
blood pressure, and Conde's blood pressure was running pretty high.
You know, um, you're typically over the entire pregnancy too,
(02:21):
so at this point her blood pressure was at home
when we took it as about one forty something over
eighty something. And this was after you. It took toyling
on and I remember your dad was just like, you know,
they won't admit you if your blood pressure isn't super high,
or they're gonna do is send you back home. And
(02:41):
I was agreeing with him. I was like you know what,
maybe we should just set an appointment for tomorrow so
you can go to the doctor, but you should call
it to Key and ask her. And you was like,
I already spoke to to Kia. The Key was like,
I think you should go to the ear and I
was just like, well, it's a kid says we're going
to the ear, We're going to the ar. At the
(03:03):
same time, I had to take Jackson to basketball practice,
so Conne was just like typical black mom mode, you
could take them to basketball practice first and then you
can come back. So I was like, all right, cool,
that will take me ten minutes. Then she said what
time is it. I said, oh, basketball practices at seven,
(03:24):
will be done at eight. And she was like, well,
what about sisters. Sisters come on tonight. I don't want
you to miss sisters. I'm like, I'm not worried about
this damn TV show. And your stylist was coming to
style you for the Soul Train Awards. All of this,
all of this was happening, mean while the kid was like, uh,
send me pictures of your feet because my feet were swollen.
(03:45):
Mind you. They went down after I had Dakoda, but
they were back up again and the headache and the
blood pressure. So I said, we're not going to know that.
I'm going to drop Jackson to practice. I'm not staying
the whole time, and we're going to the hospital. We
(04:07):
get to the hospital, I'm in there for about fifteen minutes.
They check her or whatever. They come back out and
the nurse looks at me and says, Mr. Rellis, we're
gonna have to admit your wife. I was like, why,
what's the matter? Your blood pressure at that time was
one seventy over And I was like, okay, is she
(04:35):
going to be okay? And she was just like, we hope.
So I've sang this song before. I want to sing
it again because it's the truth. M It's a song
that I proposed to Cadeem two ah song. Even though
(05:01):
it seems I have everything, I don't want to be alone, live, food,
all of the women, all the expensive cars, all of
the money don't amount to you and make me leave everything.
But I can't evertend that. I don't see that without you,
(05:26):
my life is in complete. Oh, We're gonna take a
break and we'll be back. So I'm gonna jump back
into story time to just give you all a little
bit of my perspective of what was happening. UM, because
(05:49):
I think a lot of times as moms, um, black
moms in particular, we just keep it moving, we keep
it pushing. We may feel a thing or to and
disregarded as, oh, it's just a little something. Oh I'm
going to sleep this off, which is some of the
worst things that we can even think about doing, um
(06:12):
when we don't feel our best now. At first, when
I felt the things I was feeling, I literally just
chalked it up to, girl, you just had a baby
nine days ago, so you're going to be feeling the things. Right.
You may have a headache because your breastfeeding, are you
drinking enough water, sleep deprivation, Like Devo said, Um, there's
so many reasons as to why I could have had
(06:33):
a headache. Um, but the headache was persistent over like
the course of a day or two. Taking Thailand all
wouldn't really it would maybe dull the pain a tiny bit,
but it was like a pounding, throbbing that I had
in the same spot. And um, sleeping it off wasn't
working at this point. And my midwife at this point,
had she had gone back home, she left home on
(06:54):
like the Sunday, I was having this this tension headache,
which is what I thought. It was Tuesday into Wednesday
and she was still touching bass with me, which I loved. Um,
just to make sure that we were okay in her absence.
So I mentioned this headache just leisurely in conversation with her,
and she was like, oh, a headache. She's like, well,
you know, you have to let me know when you
(07:14):
have things like a headache. The same thing Devout said,
So it's a girl. Was just a little headache. You know,
I'm tired, you know, baby has me up, I have
the three boys. Devout like, it's just a lot going on. Um,
And she said, you know anything else you're feeling She said,
any swelling. So it's like she knew the questions to ask.
So I said, well, yeah, my hands and my feet
are a little swollen. Um, they've gone up more since
(07:36):
I've had Dakota. And she said, when's the last time
you check your blood pressure? Are you having any pain
in your upper abdomen under your rib? Like very specific questions.
So I said, no pain in my abdomen, no nausea.
She said, do you have blurred vision? Are you seeing spots? Mom?
I said, no, I do feel a little groggy, but
I think it's maybe just the headache. So she says,
your mom there, tell her to check your blood pressure.
(07:58):
So my dad gets the blood pressure coff he has
an electric one, and we check it with the electric
blood pressure machine and it was one over one oh
one right. So I'm like, oh, this is clearly not wrong.
You know, sometimes it's electric. Things don't work properly. I'm
not right this, you know it's not right. Um, these
you know, machines don't work sometimes. So my mom got
the manual blood pressure cuff and at this point it
(08:19):
was like over, which was still very high for me.
My entire pregnancy, my entire life, all pregnancies have always
had stellar blood pressure, so this is very not cadine.
So at that point of Key said, I think you
need to go to the er just to get checked out,
blood work, you're in things like that. She didn't seem alarmed,
(08:40):
so I kind of just took it as okay, well,
at some point I can get to the hospital or
the doctor or somewhere so they can check me out further. Um.
But then she was a little bit more persistent. She said.
Blood pressure is one of those things that you know,
can just very in spur the moment elevate or drop,
and it can cause things like seizure, stroke, death, you know.
(09:03):
So at that point I was like, all right, you know,
I still feel okay, I can manage. Um. Develot has
his stylists come into the house. I want to see
what he's worried to the Sole Trade Awards. Jackson has
basketball practice dinner. Um, it's Wednesday, persisters like, there's things
happening today. So I eventually get there maybe tomorrow. But
then something in me it was just like you know,
(09:25):
a kidein. I think you should just go get checked out.
I was also thinking about Dakota nursing breastfeeding exclusively. Now,
so how am I going to feed him in the ear?
I'm not taking him to the e er where there's
still COVID and all the things happening. Um. But something
just told me to go. Um. So Devot got me
in the car, went to the e er. UM was
(09:47):
in triage. My blood pressure at this point was over
like um. They instantly took me to the back and
started me with an ivy like there were a couple
of people rushing in, so I'm like, oh, this is
something serious at this point now, um, And they called
down a doctor from the O B G N Unit
and she pretty much told me, you know, miss Ellis,
(10:08):
we're afraid that you are showing symptoms of postpartum preclampsha
and um, I didn't even know that was a thing.
I was like, what is that? What is postpartum? Like?
You hear about it during pregnancy. Yeah, you hear about
it during pregnancy. What you never never hear about it after?
So she at that point was giving me some facts
that she said, up to six weeks after having a baby,
(10:29):
you can experience symptoms or the signs of postpartum preclampsha.
And I totally did not know there was a thing.
Um Ta Kia had kind of said that sounded like
what I had, but she wasn't sure. But they pretty
much at that point said I was showing the symptoms
of that, and before I started to exhibit any more
symptoms like the blurred vision or the pain under my
(10:51):
rib cage, they wanted to make sure they got that
under control, so they said they'd be admitting me to
Labor and Delivery Unit. UM instant tears, um in the back,
sobbing um so. The doctors trying to console me. She
was really sweet and she said, you know, what are
you worried about? Let me know how you're feeling. So
I said to her, my baby first and foremost, like
(11:12):
I don't have him. I'm going to have to be
in the hospital without from for howls. Who knows how long. Um,
you know, I'm still nursing. I just had that that
that anxiety about leaving him. I wasn't even worried about
myself at that point. I was more worried about my baby.
And then I'm like, I have three other kids at home,
my husband is going about to go film he has
(11:33):
like I'm thinking about everybody else. And she said all that,
I'm sure we'll get taken care of, but I'm purposely
putting you on a labor and deliver unit so you
can bring your baby to the hospital here and he
can stay with you and your husband can stay with you.
So instantly I was feeling better. I said, Okay, that
makes me feel a lot better. She said, however, you're
going to have to be on magnesium sulf fate for
(11:53):
twenty four hours. She said, I just want to let
you know that it's a pretty nasty drug. Um, you're
not gonna feel really great on it. But what it
does is it pretty much raises the threshold for you
to potentially have a seizure. So if your blood pressure
typically or is running say two hundred over for example,
(12:13):
and that seizure level, what the magnesium sulfate does is
it raises the threshold to maybe two forty over one thirty,
So that way, if your blood pressure does happen to raise,
you won't see. So it's a great and she said,
and it may and also help your blood pressure regulate
and come back down as well. Um. At this point
I had a splitting headache. I never had a migraine before,
(12:35):
but I feel like that was probably migraine level headache. Um.
They gave me a dose of the magnesium sulfate that
was concentrated as I was leaving the e R because
they were so concerned about my pressure. And at that
point I called the Vale and told him I was
going to be in this hospital. I didn't know how long.
They said, may before two or three nights until things
were regulated, but I could bring the baby, so I
(12:57):
had him pack to coda up. My mom gave him
whatever breast milk I pumped at home, UM to hold
him over till he got to me. And then Devot
came of course, prepared to spend the night and UM,
I was admitted on Labor and Delivery unit. I was
watched around the clock that magnesium sulfate, that concentrated version
that they gave me. I felt super loopy. UM, I
(13:18):
felt hot. I felt like, oh my god, my baby's coming.
How am I supposed to take care of him while
being on this drug? UM, But I also knew that
was concentrated, so but they gave me over the course
of twenty four hours. After that was still had me
feeling a little messed up, but at least I had
to vow close by it so kind of assist, especially
overnight with the baby and UM, it was a scary
(13:41):
time for me. UM. I don't know if it was
the sedation or what it was, but at some points
Devout had to leave to go, you know, either take
the kids to him from school or to just go
home and tend to some business. UM. And there were
several moments that I was in the hospital room just
like in tears because you hear so many times about
my having successful deliveries and then a couple of days later,
(14:05):
some complication arose. Um yeah, and yourhysms just yeah, infections.
There's certainly so many different reasons why things like that happened.
So I was just literally in tears because I'm just
like thinking to myself, a what if I die in
this hospital bed with my baby here? Um, I have
(14:26):
four boys and a husband to get back home to, Like,
I can't die. Um. But in that moment, you just
feel so terrible. That's probably the worst that I've ever
felt after I probably ever the worst that I felt physically. Um.
And then you're wondering about recovery that I'm wondering is
blood pressure and hypertension going to be a chronic issue
(14:46):
for me now at this point after having you know,
the postpartum preclampsha um. And then I had a really
sweet nurse that came in I think her name was Carlin,
and she was actively she was another system. So she
and I kind of vibe and she was like, girl,
I'm gonna I'm gonna try to find a way to
get rid of this headache for you. So at first,
they were just giving me thailan all or i'd be
(15:06):
profen um, and they were, you know, given me after
every four hours or something, and then she said, I'm
gonna give you thailean al and then after an hour
give you hyperprofin and try to kind of see if
the tag team will help to get rid of the
headache for you, because I also felt like I couldn't
function having this migraine, and UM, that was the one
thing that actually worked. Towards the end of the twenty
four hours, I didn't have the headache as much anymore,
(15:28):
as I started to kind of feel a little bit better,
though still groggy on the magnesium sulfate. UM, my blood
pressure was eventually starting to come down UM still not
quite to my normal level, but it was at least
reacting to the medication, which was a good sign. And
the plan when I spoke to the doctors leaving or
(15:49):
being prepared to be discharged was if my blood pressure
was under control, I would be on one pill a
day for the next thirty days UM and then going
to see them after that to be able to get
a check up and just see what the plan in
course of action would be after that. UM. But in
that moment, well, it was the moment before that. I
remember you said I'm gonna go take a shower before
(16:11):
I go to the hospital. And I came into the
bathroom and you stepped out of the shower and I
looked at you and I was like, what's the matter.
And you just broke down, start of crying, and you're like,
I'm scared. And I was scared too. But once again,
and I always talk about this, my body's not going
through anything in that moment. I can't show you that
(16:32):
I'm scared. In that moment, I have to act as
if everything is gonna be fine, and as if I
know everything is going to be fine, even though I
was thinking the same thing I swear, I swear to
God could be. I was like, is this going to
be one of those moments where I take my wife
to the hospital, I come back to check on my kids,
(16:54):
took them in at night, and I get a phone
call then my wife didn't make it. And that's why
I like, like listen, like even singing incomplete fuck said
this to you before. This ship does not work without you,
(17:16):
It doesn't work. And whenever you ask a woman to
have your child, it sounds cliche, but it's a life
or death proposition, and you wanted to always just be
about life. But we know people who've lost their wife. Yeah,
(17:36):
you know, during labor and after labor. So I'm trying
to keep like a positive spirit. On top of that,
our kids are very empathetic. Jackson is like where you're
going with mommy, And I'm like, oh, she just you know,
trying to be you know, the rock. You know, she
(17:58):
gotta gona get checked up in hospital. She's gonna be
right back, bro. And I wasn't expecting to have them
check you in, and so I was like, she's gonna
be admitted. So now I got to come home and
explain to Jackson, why are you staying in the hospital.
So during all of this time, I'm like I'm walking around,
you know. You know, he's fine, right, But every ride
(18:22):
from the house to the hospital, and I took several
a day because I went to bring Jackson to practice,
then I went to check on you, and I went
back to get food and I got the colder, then
I brought him back. Every ride in between was like
tears because I'm like, it's gonna sound fucked up, but
I'm like this woman better be okay. I'm gonna kill her.
(18:45):
That's all I kept saying to myself is my wife
is a thug and she better be all right, Like
she better be all right? And then um, before I
got into you. Of course, you know, I always speak
to the nurses. I don't want to speak to them,
went in front of you because I want to know
the real and the nurse said to me, you know,
there what there is a chance that you could have
(19:08):
your wife could have went to bed and seized in
her sleep and you wake up and then she's no
longer with you. You know, there's there's so many things
that happened with blood pressure and headaches, and when it
comes to your wife, it's like nothing else matters, you
(19:30):
know what I'm saying, except for the kids. And then
when you're trying to be all in for your wife
and then you get a text for me your son,
it's like hey dad, you're gonna do this, It's like fuck,
you know what I'm saying. At that in that moment,
it was just like what do I what do? I
felt helpless, like who's there for you too? Because I'm
(19:50):
normally the one to be like me bring it in, baby,
bring it in, you know. But um, but that one
time you came to see me at the hospital, I
think it was like the second day. I was definitely
very suday it under the drug, remember, and Dakota was asleep,
I think on me. And when you walked in, of course,
it was a sense of relief because I always felt
better when you were there. And I literally just had
(20:11):
like tears. I think both of us were just oh
my god, what's happening right now? Um. But I did
speak to the doctor unexpected, and he made me feel
at ease. He was like Mr Ellis, like women go
through this. She's on a drug that she won't see.
At that point, your pressure had went down and it
(20:31):
was like in the low one eighties and he was like,
this isn't the danger zone. And I think it was
like it was like one eight to me was high
for you, but was like a little high, am. And
he was just like, twenty four hours, her pressure will
be down, should be able to go home. And hearing
from the doctor and they were great, you know, they
(20:53):
were great, and the nurses, it made me feel like
I don't have to worry about that. But deep down
and there's always that, you know. They always say everything
is fine until it's not fine, and then it's like, well,
what happened, Oh there was a complication. I was going
through all of that, and I gotta say this to
you now and to all the listeners who are listening.
(21:15):
When your wife says she has a headache but she
don't feel good, don't hit her with the super mom answer. Oh,
you're not the first woman to have a baby. You
tire and go take a nap. You really feel bad,
Let's go get it checked out. Because going to get
it checked out in that moment, it's the only reason
(21:35):
why you're here, because you and I both tend to
do that. I'll be fine, I'll take a time, I'll
go to sleep. Oh I'll be fine. I'll just go
take a nap. I need to eat something. I know
I do that as well. And Black men are known
for not trusting the system when it comes to medical professionals,
and we're known for saying putting things off because we
(21:56):
don't want to go to the hospital. But this moment
was perspective for me because I'm not a medical professional,
and here I am would have told my wife to
lay down in the bed and take a nap, and
then then what you know what I'm saying. So I
was upset at myself. I was even upset at you
for a little bit because you said you had had
(22:17):
a headache for a couple of days, And I'm saying
to myself, why do we let it get to a
couple of days and now an emergency? We could have
checked this beforehand. And it's important for us to share
because think about how many moms lives were lost because
they just felt like they didn't want to say something
they didn't want to nag, and how many dealing with it,
(22:40):
just dealing with it, how many fathers were being tough
guys because I know I've said to you before and
it's gonna make me sound like a douche bag, but
I've said this to you before. Your mom had three kids,
My mom had three kids. You act like you're the
only woman that had kids. Sometimes you know what I'm saying,
and it it makes you realize, like, fuck, like how
(23:04):
many times there is a woman here that and say,
you know, I don't want to say anything because I
don't want to feel like I'm not woman enough to
do this job. And then don't wake up. We're not
realizing that every pregnancy is legit different. Like when people
say that every pregnancy is different, every child is different.
It's so true because no two pregnancies are like in
the same woman. Think about all the different routes that
(23:25):
we've had. O, you have four kids now. Two kids
were perfect, like ideal situations, and to the bookends were emergencies.
One was emergency surgery to prevent you from hemorrhaging, and
the other one you had to get on magnesium to
prevent you from seizing season. This is the same woman,
(23:45):
four different kids, and for this pregnancy in particular, it's
not like we were doing anything out of the ordinary.
You were in your best diet, your best spiritual place,
your best monetary space, or your best financial space. We
were in the best space emotionally. We've been connected. You
were working out up until the last week, so you
(24:06):
literally did everything perfect and then for this to take
a turn like that shows you that there's there's no
answer for when it's going to happen and when it's
not going to happen. So I really want to let
men know and women know when when that woman says, hey, something,
don't feel right, don't take chances, absolutely not, especially um
(24:28):
when it comes to pregnancy and like post partum um.
It's estimated that up to sixty of maternal complications are preventable,
and with preventable complications that result in death disproportionately affecting
Black women. The best way that we can save lives
is by talking about our own experiences like we are
now with serious complications during and after pregnancy and childbirth.
(24:53):
UM so the most common, so we throw around them
the term preclamption. That's pretty much when you're blood sure,
it's elevated, and typically during pregnancy. From what I understand,
it's due to the placenta UM and they people who
suffer from preclamption normally have earlier babies, so they may
deliver early UM, probably by c section, because they want
(25:14):
to get the placenter out UM. So that's why it
was something that kind of threw us for a loop
because I'm like, Okay, this is not based on a
placenta because I no longer have my placenta, but my madiboset.
It can happen because of just hormonal changes. And it's
important because I remember, I'm not sure if it was
the nurse who was telling us, or if it was
the key, but there was a term she used. I
think it was called toxemia or toxemia, I can't remember.
(25:36):
What they were saying. Is when the placenta is developing,
sometimes the body sees it as a foreign object and
it rejects the placenta, which can cause these type of complications,
which means it doesn't matter if you're in perfect health
or you're in the worst health. If your body doesn't
receive the placenta growing the proper way, you can have
(25:57):
preclamps you and it can be an issue. You should
always look for the signs, you know what I'm saying,
so that you can be prepared when something like this happens, because,
like Taquilla said, your blood pressure is fine and everything
is fine until it's not. And when you get to
blood pressure and headaches, it can happen in the in
the split of the second exactly exactly. So. Preclam shot
(26:21):
is um a pregnancy complication characterized by high blood pressure
and signs of damage to the other order systems like
the liver and the kidneys, which is why they were
asking me if I had any kind of issues or pain,
you know, under my rib cage on my upper stomach,
because I believe that's where the liver is. UM. It
usually begins after twenty weeks of pregnancy and women whose
high blood pressure is typically normal, which would have been
(26:43):
me UM. So if you leave it untreated, it could
be fatal for the mom and the baby. That's why
normally they'll have to take the baby earlier and then
the baby would have to be in the Nike you.
Postpartum preclampshot is a rare condition that occurs when you
have high blood pressure or excess protein in your urine
soon after childbirth. For me, it happened nine days after
UM if you develop it within most cases people develop
(27:06):
it within forty eight hours after childbirth, which why which
is why for me it was so different, because it
can't develop up to six weeks after. But for me
it was, like I said, the nine days UM. It
requires prompt treatment. If you leave it untreated, it can
cause seizures or other serious complications. Signs and symptoms are
high blood pressure UM greater than one forty over ninety.
(27:27):
So if mine was in the house here at like
what was it one over one oh one and then
at the hospital over ninety which is pretty high. UM,
excess protein in your urine, severe headaches, which was what
I also felt. UM changes in vision, which is like
a loss of vision, possibly sensitivity to light is what
I had. Not necessarily blurred vision, UM painting your upper
(27:50):
belly under your ribs on the right side, UH, shortness
of breath, decrease urine or nausea, and vomiting. So one
thing they were checking for was my urine output. So
I remember had I had a little like bowl in
the toilet that I had to pee, and so Devout
cames and came in before the nurses did. He'd be like, damn,
you had you on I V so we knew you
(28:12):
were gonna You know, they want to make sure that
they're measuring how much you're and you're expelling, which is
you know. But but this is also another reason why
I was so concerned about being present during the birth
and immediately after the birth, because you miss things when
you're producing, you know what I'm saying. When you're trying
(28:32):
to create content or make a moment or manufactural moment
or capture moment, sometimes you missed the moment. And I
know this time around with us being older and you
considered being geriatric based on just your age. I just
wanted to be aware. I wanted to be able to
look in your eyes and not focus on anything else
(28:53):
but you, you know, And I've noticed some people would
be like, oh, you guys don't post as much or
you know, we haven't been able to see the God
to yet, and it's because we've been focusing on being alive,
you know what I'm saying. And I appreciate that people
are so invested in seeing us and being a part
of the process, but it is also very important during
(29:15):
these times to be in the moment. Like you can't
capture and produce everything. Sometimes you just gotta live. And
I honestly feel like if you and I weren't living
and being aware of each other, we could have missed that.
And if you missed that, then you miss out on life.
You're absolutely think about it. I probably would have been
(29:36):
capturing you having Shari here styling you for the Awards show.
That was another layer to it. Diva was supposed to
be leaving that Friday morning to go to New York
for the Soul tryin Awards. I knew I wasn't going
to be attending, of course, because we just had the baby,
and your mom was going and I know she was
super looking forward to being there with you, and Deva
was ready to shut the whole ship down and be like,
I'm not going to New York. And then of course me,
(29:56):
I'm like, you have to go. Your mom is looking
forward to it. I want her to experience against that.
You know, it would be a nice moment for you, guys,
a nice moment for you to present your first time. Um.
And if I was like, hey, I'm not leaving you
and until I know what is going on here, And
I didn't tell my mom purposely what you're going through,
because you know what she would have said, stay here
exactly exactly. I didn't tell my mom. I knew she
(30:16):
would have been like, well, we're not we're not doing
so crying train, can wait to train, can leave without
us the next train, exactly what she would have said.
I And then she ended up calling anyway, and I
had to tell her where I was because she was
just like, hey, man, why are you checking on me?
And I'm like I'm in the hospital, babe. Um. You know.
So there were just so many things going on, but
(30:37):
like like Devo said, we could have missed something if
we just weren't in tune, if I wasn't in tune
with my body, if and then I even reached out
to my sister and I was like, sorry, what do
you think her being a nurse, And she's like, well,
the Kia never overreacts. She's always level headed, and she
always gives the best advice, and she knows your body
really well. And I think you need to go and
(30:57):
do what she said and go to the er, because
she too was concerned with my high blood pressure. So
I'm glad that we did um that in that moment, because,
like I said, I was able to live to see
another day. And I'm glad you're here in days after
and I'm and I'm still watching you every day. You
ask every day I set my alarm, set my alarm,
(31:19):
I wake up? Did you take your blood pressure medicine?
Did you every morning? Blood pressure? Like white on right? Look,
look what you asked down here. If y'all can't see,
if you're listening, if I got my blood pressure cuff
right here, I've been here, like look, put your son
in your ass and now I'll see. I'm like a
(31:40):
nurse now because I know what to do. I put
that on right, like, hold it up to your heart. Wow,
I want to know. I call it. At the middle
of the day, I call on, like, how you're feeling.
I know how you had a feeling. What's your broad pressure?
I ain't checking in a while, we'll go check it. Well,
I gotta stop what you're doing. Check your blood pressure.
(32:02):
That's just what we are right now. That's it, that's
what we're on. Literally. So once I was finally released, Um,
I told him. I was like to the Soul Train Awards.
We knew that I was gonna be okay. We spoke
to the doctor. I felt confident. He felt confident that
everything would be okay. And I was like, you gotta
catch your flight to New York because crystals waiting on you,
Your mom was waiting on you. Y'all have to get
(32:22):
this stuff done. Um. Teams of team up all day
every day. So I wanted to make sure that y'all
were good. Um, once you knew that I was good,
And of course I had my mom and dad here,
you know, shout out to them for always holding down
the fort. So they had the kids in order. Um,
they were able to pick up the CODA and I
from the hospital. I got back home and was able
to rest. So now y'all know the story because some people,
some people, people who know us, it's like if that
(32:44):
looks tired, right, And just so you know, Soul Trained
Awards was Saturday, well, Saturday night, Wednesday night, codein and
codeine got it into the hospital. I didn't sleep all
day Wednesday into Thursday. Woke up, came home, worked out,
had some rehearsals, got the kids from school, went back
to the hospital, mad shred everything, came back home, did
(33:07):
everything again for the kids at night. Went and stayed
in the hospital Thursday night. Slept on that little ass,
thin ass mattress they have for me Thursday and too Friday,
and then Friday morning I had to catch a seven
am flight, got got to uh New York, had to
do my fittings and everything for that Friday nights. At
Friday night, I didn't sleep because I was anxiety. Kadine
(33:30):
and I ended up what happened Friday night and we
had argument Friday night. You remember that, Yes, we did
argument Friday night. This is another thing. Okay, want to
fight with me? You was picking a fight. She she's
I told I didn't want to go. I said, I'm
not going. I'm not going. I'm not going, right. So
(33:50):
then I go to New York to go to Soul
Train and I ended up meeting Um. I can't I
can't talk about it because it's something that that's going
to come out later. I end up meeting someone for
a new opportunity. So I get back to my hotel
room and I cocain. Now I'm all excited, and she's
just like oh, and I'm like what you mean by oh?
And then um, I had bought a new coat because
being in Atlanta, it's not as cold as it is
(34:13):
as it is in New York, so I wouldn't got
me new coats. And back in New York and this November,
and I say, he's like my coat and she's just like,
I hope you're not wearing all that jewel rasing no
football game, and I'm like, yo, what is the matter
with you? I didn't stay with my neck and everything
like that is putting. I couldn't even move my neck
to be able to do any of that either because
my head was hurting me. I literally just said, I
(34:33):
hope you're not going to that football game with all
that jewelry on. That's how you think you said it.
You just admitted to the people that you was on
mad medication and was loopy. Now you're gonna tell me
you were cognizant to know how your neck was moving.
This man, I was moving with a headache. I was
off the medication at this point, y'all was at this point.
I was of sound judgment at this point, I was
no longer no Ivy drip. I knew I was home.
(34:55):
I knew what was happening. Ivy was still coming down,
drip dripping your in your body. What you're talking about.
I was home at this point. I was home at
this point because then was picking a fight with me
because in her wanting to be supportive as a wife,
she wasn't saying what she really needed. Because what you
really needed was what say it? I wanted you to
(35:15):
stay home with me, thank you. And that's my point, right,
this is my point. When you need when you need something, conflicted, no, no, no, no,
when you need something, you have to say what you need.
You can't say what you think is right in that moment.
Then when I do that, get upset at me because
you're not getting what you need. That's psychological warfare, like
(35:38):
a psychological terrorist. I really, it's not like I was
upset with you. I wasn't upset that you were going there.
I was just like, I still wanted you to be
with me. Absolutely felt sad and a little bit absolutely
because I wanted to be back home after being in
the hospital for three days. I wanted to be home
and in bed and cuddling with you, and you just
weren't there. And it was absolutely justified. But but you're
feeling like that, it's absolutely justified, which is why when
(36:00):
I asked you, like, but I'm gonna stay, you should
justifiably say how you feel, not say what you think
is right in the moment. Know when you feel something different,
I know, but then I don't. I didn't want to
take away everything was so much about me for the
past but everything has been about me for the past
year with this baby, I feel like, so I felt
like this was a moment where it was about you
and it needed to be about you, and I wanted
(36:22):
you to be able to experience this for the first time.
So I put my feelings aside and I said, Babe,
I want you to go. You'll see what I'm saying.
But I really want you to din't. We just say.
We just say it's important for women when they're feeling
a certain way to be open and honest with their
partner about how they feel right now. But physically skinny
(36:43):
did We can't try to tell people the proper way
to do things, so they have open lines of communication.
But then you try to justify not doing that because
of anything. I don't want to hear anything about me
and and I almost now we're supposed to be about
you because I'm not almost dying anymore. That don't make
(37:04):
no sense. That was done the brink, but I was recovering.
Opportunities come and go right. There would have been another
opportunity if I didn't do so strange, there would have
been something else. But she looked so fine in that
turtle night turn, looking like a tall glass of coal milk,
almond milk, milk. But he was cute, That's what it was.
(37:26):
So it was worth it. She saw me looking fly.
It was worth it all mag I wasn't dead. I
still got that out of it. I'll put it on.
I told you put it on, putting on, and we
can get it on. We can't get nothing on what
you're gonna do? Oh, I know what You've got to countdown?
All right? How many more days to you got that golf? Golf?
Non thousand? Though? Well, I mean, however, because I was,
(37:53):
I was trying to be mad at you're not telling
me exactly what it is that you needed in the moment.
But here you are making jokes and talking out the account.
And then let's take a break because this is this
one is so left oxy toasting, get away from me.
(38:13):
We're gonna take a quick break, y'all, because the valty
is to cool off. We're gonna hold him down and
we'll move into listener letters after this. We're back listen time.
(38:35):
I had to go cool off without that. All right,
let me do this first one. Go for it. Okay,
what's up, guys? I need help, and I really feel
like y'all will understand where I'm coming from. How do
I have a baby after having a whole four almost
five year old that was us? My husband and I
went want to start trying soon for our second and
my daughter will be five in February. O pregnancy was
(38:58):
a little rough. I developed preclaims. Yeah, you know, and
had my daughter at twenty nine weeks, and my husband
and I were also nervous to think to even think
about me possibly getting pregnant again. It sounds almost like
us with Jackson and you haven't have stitches. Um, well,
now your girl is ready to get pregnant like yesterday.
But I am so out of touch with what's it
like to have a whole newborn? To be honest, what
(39:20):
do Tyler's even do anymore? My daughter is ready for
another sibling since rolled up on me last month asking
when I was going to have another baby. But kids
be asking like they got something to do with it.
But I'm a little nervous to start the whole process
all over again. Can y'all give me some tips or
advice that what worked for y'all with transitioning from one
kid to two. Um, not as concerned about the age
(39:40):
gap too much because my sister and I are six
years apart, so I know what to expect when it
comes to my daughter and her emotions. I'm the oldest,
so I understand the responsibility of having a younger sibling,
so were we both the oldest. But I don't know
how my mama did it, and need some millennial encouragement.
I know I have plenty of love to give the
two kids. Yes you do, Mama, but I want to
be able to make sure my daughter feels that way too.
(40:03):
Thanks for everything you'll do. We appreciate your baby. You
gotta answer for her. Girl. Go ahead that baby, go ahead,
and they go gay, go get pregnant like yesterday, like
you said, Um, I mean again, one of those things
you never really prepared for it, to have your first child,
your second child, your third child. I feel like the fourth.
By the fourth one, it's like one more added to
the bunch, like I said, another episode, like it's just
one more added to the bunch. Um. I don't think
(40:25):
the five year age gap like you said, wouldn't be
an issue because it's actually Jackson and Cairo are five
years apart, and I know that Cayro the door and
Kyro and Dakota are five years apart, so Kyro adores.
So I feel like your daughter, um already asking for
a sibling is going to be great because she will
then be almost like a little mini mom to this
new baby, and that new baby would completely be in
(40:46):
love with her and want to be so much like her,
especially if you have another girl. Um but I can
see how the trauma around having preclampshot and then having
your daughter at twenty nine weeks can pretend make you
feel like, man, we got over that obstacle. We're in
the clearer, she's five, We're good. And then it's like, damn,
don't want to go back to that point again, because
(41:07):
we have felt that way after Jackson. Remember right after
Jackson we said we weren't having no more kids. Right
after that whole episode was like I'm done, Like I'm
emergency surgery. You almost almost lose you. It's not doing that.
I'm not doing that. And that's what took us five
years between Jackson and Cairo. And we were so in
love with Jackson to that, Like everything Jackson day, we
were like Jackson, it's like the best thing ever, the
(41:28):
best kid ever. Um So I did have a lot
of that guilty feeling having another baby after Jackson, but girl,
the love is there. I will say this, though Jackson
came and I was like Jackson is so perfect. I
feel bad for whatever child comes after Jackson because no
child is going to be as perfect as fact. Then
Cairo came and was a different type perfection. Yeah, and
(41:51):
then after Cairo came and he was just this amazing
little person. Becaudan got pregnant immediately after and I was like, shoot, like,
we're gonna have two. And I was like, dang, look
at how perfect Jackson's. Look how perfect Cayro is. Then
we have a third different version of perfection. Literally now
with Dakota, you would think this is my first baby.
We just sit in the bed just steering him and
(42:13):
smiling like what she's biling like the coda and we
like to damn foods. Not I'm telling you, when it's
your child, it's just different forms of perfection, different combinations
of you and your husband. So go for a mama,
do that thing. I think you should do it. Do it,
do it, do it for sure? All right, I'll do
(42:33):
the second one. Yo. Love the show listening last week
on the topic of pregnancy and communication, and it struck
a nerve. I'm glad that ch'lld are enjoying this season.
I dealt with a woman for almost eight years, and
it's coming from my man. I think I always saw
her as a good person to kick it with, but
never got to the point of being in a relationship
because she already had a kid in a bag and
the baggage of our past. She got pregnant after a
(42:56):
plan B failed and wouldn't consider an abortion despite us
having us solid foundations last relationship. I always wanted to
be a good father and decided to try to make
it work for the sake of my kid. I reluctantly
traded in my bachelor lifestyle lifestyle for being a stepdad
to her daughter, which I adore, and a bitchy baby mama.
She constantly complained and talked to me crazy, telling her
(43:20):
my displeasure with our situation. Constantly ended up in fights.
I finally told her I wasn't it wasn't going to work,
and decided to move on. She'll never see that I tried,
or the effect of her attitude, only that I didn't
end up with her or my mistakes. Now that she's
seen me with another woman, she's decided to keep my
daughter away from me, which has now exceeded half of
(43:44):
her life. I now have to foul. I have now
filed cut for custody, but I'm trying to resolve things
with her in the meantime. Any suggestions take it to Corebra.
This this, this I'm telling you right now, if you
cannot amicate Amica Lee, split with your significant other and
still co parents, you take the necessary steps to petition
(44:07):
in court to see your daughter, because the last thing
you ever want is for that child to grow up
and be resentful thinking her father didn't fight for her,
because that's the hardest thing for a child to feel
like someone didn't want her, didn't love her enough to
fight and do everything to give her you know, like
and And the truth of the matter is, the court
doesn't only work for women. There are are plenty of
(44:29):
men who have used the court system to get the
rights of a parent. And as a father, you have
rights as well. So I would say, don't you know,
if you can't speak and things get nasty, don't do
it that way. Keep every email, keep every text message,
keep everything you have, every bit of communication you have
with her to go to court and get what is
rightfully yours as a father, because I tell you like this,
(44:51):
if you don't, she will, And if she goes there first,
more than likely it ain't gonna work out good in
your favor, bro, because the court system is not one
for black men. Let's just be honest. The minute you
walk into a court system, you are a public enemy
number one, whether that's for child support or any type
of petty crime. But the minute they see you in
(45:11):
the court system, they automatically assume that you're guilty as
a black man. So you better off going to petitioning
for your rights first, done and done. So I feel
about it. Do you sound like you're speaking from experience
we have We have friends who have fought, who have
been fighting. Yeah, I'm talking about good dude to make money,
who want to be fathers, but have dealt with you know,
(45:33):
some bitter women, because it's it's not always a dead
be dad. And then not for nothing, that's not always
a bitter woman. But sometimes sometimes you have these situations
where personalities don't mix and hurt people hurt people. So
if you happen to be with the person who has
been hurt in the past and now they're so purpose
in life is to try to hurt you, you can't.
(45:54):
You won't be able to get through that person. That
person needs therapy, that person needs help professionally, and rather
than trying to reason with them and they get caught
in a web of deceit and lies and miscommunication, go
through the court systems and get an attorney and and
make sure the judge appoints you your rights so that
you can be the best version of a parent you
(46:15):
can be for that job, because that's all that matters.
Sounds good to me, all right, y'all. If you like
to be featured as one of our listener letters, be
sure to email us at data has Advice at gmail
dot com. That's D E A D A S S
A D V I C E at gmail dot com.
My mom, and the truth is simple, ladies. If you
(46:37):
feel something, say something. If you feel like something is off,
say something. Do not wait, Do not try to be superwoman.
It's better that you get checked. They tell you everything
is okay, or they tell you it's not, and at
least you know. There is no comfort in guessing when
(46:58):
it comes to your health. And as much as we
try to be there for everyone else and to be
everything for everything everyone else, those there's moments where you
have to take a look at your own health and
your own well being first, because we cannot continue to
pour from an empty cup. So that being said, if
you feel something, say something, I'm gonna piggyback off yours gentlemen,
(47:21):
if you feel something is wrong with your significant other,
your baby, mother, your wife, your girlfriend, you say something,
don't wait for her to tell you. If you notice
something is off, baby, let's just go run real quick
and see a doctor. On top of that, if you
know your baby mama don't want you to go to
the Soul Train Awards because she needs you to stay here,
(47:45):
don't go because all she's gonna do is pick a
fight with you before you go to the awards. Have
you up until three four in the morning arguing, and
you're gonna be on the red carpet with eyes looking
like mine. It looks fabulous. Actually, if I do say so,
I appreciate you now about that suit? I got you.
Got you take to the dry cleanness you know, put
(48:08):
it back on, holding up night out of it. I
got you, alright, y'all. What's the end of this? I
forgot Sorry, close my laptop. Be sure to find us
on social media at dead as the Podcast and you
can find me I am and I am devout. And
if you're listening on Apple podcasts, be sure to rate,
review and subscribe, and make sure I'll share this season
(48:31):
with some people who are looking to be pregnant, are pregnant,
expecting parents, all that good stuff, like I appreciate you
listening good stuff. Dead as dead Ass is a production
of I Heart Media podcast network and is produced by
the Norapinia and Triple Follow the podcast on social media
at dead as the Podcast and never miss a Thing
(49:00):
I Do
I said this before and I'll say it again. Given
birth is the closest you'll get to death, and I'm
proof of that this fourth time around. Unfortunately, but I'm
here and I've been living to see another day, So
thank God for that. Hey. I'm Cadine and we're the Ellises.
(00:25):
You may know us from posting funny videos with our
boys and reading each other publicly as a form of therapy. Wait,
I'll make you need therapy most days. Wow. And one
more important thing to mention, we're married. We are. We
created this podcast to open dialogue about some of life's
most taboo topics, things most folks don't want to talk
(00:45):
about through the lens of a millennium married couple. Dead
adds is the term that we say every day. So
when we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts, the truth,
the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Were about
to take pillow talk to a whole new level. Dead
Ass starts right now. After Codeine gave birth to Dakota,
(01:13):
I remember saying to her, baby, if you feel anyway,
in particular, you feel nauseous, headache, something don't feel right,
open your mouth and tell me. And she was like okay, babe,
I got you. Fast forward about a week and a
(01:34):
half later, Codeine is walking in the house and I'm
just like, hey, baby, all right. She's just like, yeah,
I just have a headache. And I'm like, well, how
long have you had this headache? Now? I had a
headache for a couple of days. So I'm like, all right, well,
you know, I know sleep deprivation is real, and you
did just have a baby, so you know, have you
(01:55):
been drinking water? Have you've been eating? And she's like,
I'm not sure if I've been drinking enough. And her
mom and dad are here, both nurses, was like, yo,
let me take your your blood pressure. They take Conde's
blood pressure, and Conde's blood pressure was running pretty high.
You know, um, you're typically over the entire pregnancy too,
(02:21):
so at this point her blood pressure was at home
when we took it as about one forty something over
eighty something. And this was after you. It took toyling
on and I remember your dad was just like, you know,
they won't admit you if your blood pressure isn't super high,
or they're gonna do is send you back home. And
(02:41):
I was agreeing with him. I was like you know what,
maybe we should just set an appointment for tomorrow so
you can go to the doctor, but you should call
it to Key and ask her. And you was like,
I already spoke to to Kia. The Key was like,
I think you should go to the ear and I
was just like, well, it's a kid says we're going
to the ear, We're going to the ar. At the
(03:03):
same time, I had to take Jackson to basketball practice,
so Conne was just like typical black mom mode, you
could take them to basketball practice first and then you
can come back. So I was like, all right, cool,
that will take me ten minutes. Then she said what
time is it. I said, oh, basketball practices at seven,
(03:24):
will be done at eight. And she was like, well,
what about sisters. Sisters come on tonight. I don't want
you to miss sisters. I'm like, I'm not worried about
this damn TV show. And your stylist was coming to
style you for the Soul Train Awards. All of this,
all of this was happening, mean while the kid was like, uh,
send me pictures of your feet because my feet were swollen.
(03:45):
Mind you. They went down after I had Dakoda, but
they were back up again and the headache and the
blood pressure. So I said, we're not going to know that.
I'm going to drop Jackson to practice. I'm not staying
the whole time, and we're going to the hospital. We
(04:07):
get to the hospital, I'm in there for about fifteen minutes.
They check her or whatever. They come back out and
the nurse looks at me and says, Mr. Rellis, we're
gonna have to admit your wife. I was like, why,
what's the matter? Your blood pressure at that time was
one seventy over And I was like, okay, is she
(04:35):
going to be okay? And she was just like, we hope.
So I've sang this song before. I want to sing
it again because it's the truth. M It's a song
that I proposed to Cadeem two ah song. Even though
(05:01):
it seems I have everything, I don't want to be alone, live, food,
all of the women, all the expensive cars, all of
the money don't amount to you and make me leave everything.
But I can't evertend that. I don't see that without you,
(05:26):
my life is in complete. Oh, We're gonna take a
break and we'll be back. So I'm gonna jump back
into story time to just give you all a little
bit of my perspective of what was happening. UM, because
(05:49):
I think a lot of times as moms, um, black
moms in particular, we just keep it moving, we keep
it pushing. We may feel a thing or to and
disregarded as, oh, it's just a little something. Oh I'm
going to sleep this off, which is some of the
worst things that we can even think about doing, um
(06:12):
when we don't feel our best now. At first, when
I felt the things I was feeling, I literally just
chalked it up to, girl, you just had a baby
nine days ago, so you're going to be feeling the things. Right.
You may have a headache because your breastfeeding, are you
drinking enough water, sleep deprivation, Like Devo said, Um, there's
so many reasons as to why I could have had
(06:33):
a headache. Um, but the headache was persistent over like
the course of a day or two. Taking Thailand all
wouldn't really it would maybe dull the pain a tiny bit,
but it was like a pounding, throbbing that I had
in the same spot. And um, sleeping it off wasn't
working at this point. And my midwife at this point,
had she had gone back home, she left home on
(06:54):
like the Sunday, I was having this this tension headache,
which is what I thought. It was Tuesday into Wednesday
and she was still touching bass with me, which I loved. Um,
just to make sure that we were okay in her absence.
So I mentioned this headache just leisurely in conversation with her,
and she was like, oh, a headache. She's like, well,
you know, you have to let me know when you
(07:14):
have things like a headache. The same thing Devout said,
So it's a girl. Was just a little headache. You know,
I'm tired, you know, baby has me up, I have
the three boys. Devout like, it's just a lot going on. Um,
And she said, you know anything else you're feeling She said,
any swelling. So it's like she knew the questions to ask.
So I said, well, yeah, my hands and my feet
are a little swollen. Um, they've gone up more since
(07:36):
I've had Dakota. And she said, when's the last time
you check your blood pressure? Are you having any pain
in your upper abdomen under your rib? Like very specific questions.
So I said, no pain in my abdomen, no nausea.
She said, do you have blurred vision? Are you seeing spots? Mom?
I said, no, I do feel a little groggy, but
I think it's maybe just the headache. So she says,
your mom there, tell her to check your blood pressure.
(07:58):
So my dad gets the blood pressure coff he has
an electric one, and we check it with the electric
blood pressure machine and it was one over one oh
one right. So I'm like, oh, this is clearly not wrong.
You know, sometimes it's electric. Things don't work properly. I'm
not right this, you know it's not right. Um, these
you know, machines don't work sometimes. So my mom got
the manual blood pressure cuff and at this point it
(08:19):
was like over, which was still very high for me.
My entire pregnancy, my entire life, all pregnancies have always
had stellar blood pressure, so this is very not cadine.
So at that point of Key said, I think you
need to go to the er just to get checked out,
blood work, you're in things like that. She didn't seem alarmed,
(08:40):
so I kind of just took it as okay, well,
at some point I can get to the hospital or
the doctor or somewhere so they can check me out further. Um.
But then she was a little bit more persistent. She said.
Blood pressure is one of those things that you know,
can just very in spur the moment elevate or drop,
and it can cause things like seizure, stroke, death, you know.
(09:03):
So at that point I was like, all right, you know,
I still feel okay, I can manage. Um. Develot has
his stylists come into the house. I want to see
what he's worried to the Sole Trade Awards. Jackson has
basketball practice dinner. Um, it's Wednesday, persisters like, there's things
happening today. So I eventually get there maybe tomorrow. But
then something in me it was just like you know,
(09:25):
a kidein. I think you should just go get checked out.
I was also thinking about Dakota nursing breastfeeding exclusively. Now,
so how am I going to feed him in the ear?
I'm not taking him to the e er where there's
still COVID and all the things happening. Um. But something
just told me to go. Um. So Devot got me
in the car, went to the e er. UM was
(09:47):
in triage. My blood pressure at this point was over
like um. They instantly took me to the back and
started me with an ivy like there were a couple
of people rushing in, so I'm like, oh, this is
something serious at this point now, um, And they called
down a doctor from the O B G N Unit
and she pretty much told me, you know, miss Ellis,
(10:08):
we're afraid that you are showing symptoms of postpartum preclampsha
and um, I didn't even know that was a thing.
I was like, what is that? What is postpartum? Like?
You hear about it during pregnancy. Yeah, you hear about
it during pregnancy. What you never never hear about it after?
So she at that point was giving me some facts
that she said, up to six weeks after having a baby,
(10:29):
you can experience symptoms or the signs of postpartum preclampsha.
And I totally did not know there was a thing.
Um Ta Kia had kind of said that sounded like
what I had, but she wasn't sure. But they pretty
much at that point said I was showing the symptoms
of that, and before I started to exhibit any more
symptoms like the blurred vision or the pain under my
(10:51):
rib cage, they wanted to make sure they got that
under control, so they said they'd be admitting me to
Labor and Delivery Unit. UM instant tears, um in the back,
sobbing um so. The doctors trying to console me. She
was really sweet and she said, you know, what are
you worried about? Let me know how you're feeling. So
I said to her, my baby first and foremost, like
(11:12):
I don't have him. I'm going to have to be
in the hospital without from for howls. Who knows how long. Um,
you know, I'm still nursing. I just had that that
that anxiety about leaving him. I wasn't even worried about
myself at that point. I was more worried about my baby.
And then I'm like, I have three other kids at home,
my husband is going about to go film he has
(11:33):
like I'm thinking about everybody else. And she said all that,
I'm sure we'll get taken care of, but I'm purposely
putting you on a labor and deliver unit so you
can bring your baby to the hospital here and he
can stay with you and your husband can stay with you.
So instantly I was feeling better. I said, Okay, that
makes me feel a lot better. She said, however, you're
going to have to be on magnesium sulf fate for
(11:53):
twenty four hours. She said, I just want to let
you know that it's a pretty nasty drug. Um, you're
not gonna feel really great on it. But what it
does is it pretty much raises the threshold for you
to potentially have a seizure. So if your blood pressure
typically or is running say two hundred over for example,
(12:13):
and that seizure level, what the magnesium sulfate does is
it raises the threshold to maybe two forty over one thirty,
So that way, if your blood pressure does happen to raise,
you won't see. So it's a great and she said,
and it may and also help your blood pressure regulate
and come back down as well. Um. At this point
I had a splitting headache. I never had a migraine before,
(12:35):
but I feel like that was probably migraine level headache. Um.
They gave me a dose of the magnesium sulfate that
was concentrated as I was leaving the e R because
they were so concerned about my pressure. And at that
point I called the Vale and told him I was
going to be in this hospital. I didn't know how long.
They said, may before two or three nights until things
were regulated, but I could bring the baby, so I
(12:57):
had him pack to coda up. My mom gave him
whatever breast milk I pumped at home, UM to hold
him over till he got to me. And then Devot
came of course, prepared to spend the night and UM,
I was admitted on Labor and Delivery unit. I was
watched around the clock that magnesium sulfate, that concentrated version
that they gave me. I felt super loopy. UM, I
(13:18):
felt hot. I felt like, oh my god, my baby's coming.
How am I supposed to take care of him while
being on this drug? UM, But I also knew that
was concentrated, so but they gave me over the course
of twenty four hours. After that was still had me
feeling a little messed up, but at least I had
to vow close by it so kind of assist, especially
overnight with the baby and UM, it was a scary
(13:41):
time for me. UM. I don't know if it was
the sedation or what it was, but at some points
Devout had to leave to go, you know, either take
the kids to him from school or to just go
home and tend to some business. UM. And there were
several moments that I was in the hospital room just
like in tears because you hear so many times about
my having successful deliveries and then a couple of days later,
(14:05):
some complication arose. Um yeah, and yourhysms just yeah, infections.
There's certainly so many different reasons why things like that happened.
So I was just literally in tears because I'm just
like thinking to myself, a what if I die in
this hospital bed with my baby here? Um, I have
(14:26):
four boys and a husband to get back home to, Like,
I can't die. Um. But in that moment, you just
feel so terrible. That's probably the worst that I've ever
felt after I probably ever the worst that I felt physically. Um.
And then you're wondering about recovery that I'm wondering is
blood pressure and hypertension going to be a chronic issue
(14:46):
for me now at this point after having you know,
the postpartum preclampsha um. And then I had a really
sweet nurse that came in I think her name was Carlin,
and she was actively she was another system. So she
and I kind of vibe and she was like, girl,
I'm gonna I'm gonna try to find a way to
get rid of this headache for you. So at first,
they were just giving me thailan all or i'd be
(15:06):
profen um, and they were, you know, given me after
every four hours or something, and then she said, I'm
gonna give you thailean al and then after an hour
give you hyperprofin and try to kind of see if
the tag team will help to get rid of the
headache for you, because I also felt like I couldn't
function having this migraine, and UM, that was the one
thing that actually worked. Towards the end of the twenty
four hours, I didn't have the headache as much anymore,
(15:28):
as I started to kind of feel a little bit better,
though still groggy on the magnesium sulfate. UM, my blood
pressure was eventually starting to come down UM still not
quite to my normal level, but it was at least
reacting to the medication, which was a good sign. And
the plan when I spoke to the doctors leaving or
(15:49):
being prepared to be discharged was if my blood pressure
was under control, I would be on one pill a
day for the next thirty days UM and then going
to see them after that to be able to get
a check up and just see what the plan in
course of action would be after that. UM. But in
that moment, well, it was the moment before that. I
remember you said I'm gonna go take a shower before
(16:11):
I go to the hospital. And I came into the
bathroom and you stepped out of the shower and I
looked at you and I was like, what's the matter.
And you just broke down, start of crying, and you're like,
I'm scared. And I was scared too. But once again,
and I always talk about this, my body's not going
through anything in that moment. I can't show you that
(16:32):
I'm scared. In that moment, I have to act as
if everything is gonna be fine, and as if I
know everything is going to be fine, even though I
was thinking the same thing I swear, I swear to
God could be. I was like, is this going to
be one of those moments where I take my wife
to the hospital, I come back to check on my kids,
(16:54):
took them in at night, and I get a phone
call then my wife didn't make it. And that's why
I like, like listen, like even singing incomplete fuck said
this to you before. This ship does not work without you,
(17:16):
It doesn't work. And whenever you ask a woman to
have your child, it sounds cliche, but it's a life
or death proposition, and you wanted to always just be
about life. But we know people who've lost their wife. Yeah,
(17:36):
you know, during labor and after labor. So I'm trying
to keep like a positive spirit. On top of that,
our kids are very empathetic. Jackson is like where you're
going with mommy, And I'm like, oh, she just you know,
trying to be you know, the rock. You know, she
(17:58):
gotta gona get checked up in hospital. She's gonna be
right back, bro. And I wasn't expecting to have them
check you in, and so I was like, she's gonna
be admitted. So now I got to come home and
explain to Jackson, why are you staying in the hospital.
So during all of this time, I'm like I'm walking around,
you know. You know, he's fine, right, But every ride
(18:22):
from the house to the hospital, and I took several
a day because I went to bring Jackson to practice,
then I went to check on you, and I went
back to get food and I got the colder, then
I brought him back. Every ride in between was like
tears because I'm like, it's gonna sound fucked up, but
I'm like this woman better be okay. I'm gonna kill her.
(18:45):
That's all I kept saying to myself is my wife
is a thug and she better be all right, Like
she better be all right? And then um, before I
got into you. Of course, you know, I always speak
to the nurses. I don't want to speak to them,
went in front of you because I want to know
the real and the nurse said to me, you know,
there what there is a chance that you could have
(19:08):
your wife could have went to bed and seized in
her sleep and you wake up and then she's no
longer with you. You know, there's there's so many things
that happened with blood pressure and headaches, and when it
comes to your wife, it's like nothing else matters, you
(19:30):
know what I'm saying, except for the kids. And then
when you're trying to be all in for your wife
and then you get a text for me your son,
it's like hey dad, you're gonna do this, It's like fuck,
you know what I'm saying. At that in that moment,
it was just like what do I what do? I
felt helpless, like who's there for you too? Because I'm
(19:50):
normally the one to be like me bring it in, baby,
bring it in, you know. But um, but that one
time you came to see me at the hospital, I
think it was like the second day. I was definitely
very suday it under the drug, remember, and Dakota was asleep,
I think on me. And when you walked in, of course,
it was a sense of relief because I always felt
better when you were there. And I literally just had
(20:11):
like tears. I think both of us were just oh
my god, what's happening right now? Um. But I did
speak to the doctor unexpected, and he made me feel
at ease. He was like Mr Ellis, like women go
through this. She's on a drug that she won't see.
At that point, your pressure had went down and it
(20:31):
was like in the low one eighties and he was like,
this isn't the danger zone. And I think it was
like it was like one eight to me was high
for you, but was like a little high, am. And
he was just like, twenty four hours, her pressure will
be down, should be able to go home. And hearing
from the doctor and they were great, you know, they
(20:53):
were great, and the nurses, it made me feel like
I don't have to worry about that. But deep down
and there's always that, you know. They always say everything
is fine until it's not fine, and then it's like, well,
what happened, Oh there was a complication. I was going
through all of that, and I gotta say this to
you now and to all the listeners who are listening.
(21:15):
When your wife says she has a headache but she
don't feel good, don't hit her with the super mom answer. Oh,
you're not the first woman to have a baby. You
tire and go take a nap. You really feel bad,
Let's go get it checked out. Because going to get
it checked out in that moment, it's the only reason
(21:35):
why you're here, because you and I both tend to
do that. I'll be fine, I'll take a time, I'll
go to sleep. Oh I'll be fine. I'll just go
take a nap. I need to eat something. I know
I do that as well. And Black men are known
for not trusting the system when it comes to medical professionals,
and we're known for saying putting things off because we
(21:56):
don't want to go to the hospital. But this moment
was perspective for me because I'm not a medical professional,
and here I am would have told my wife to
lay down in the bed and take a nap, and
then then what you know what I'm saying. So I
was upset at myself. I was even upset at you
for a little bit because you said you had had
(22:17):
a headache for a couple of days, And I'm saying
to myself, why do we let it get to a
couple of days and now an emergency? We could have
checked this beforehand. And it's important for us to share
because think about how many moms lives were lost because
they just felt like they didn't want to say something
they didn't want to nag, and how many dealing with it,
(22:40):
just dealing with it, how many fathers were being tough
guys because I know I've said to you before and
it's gonna make me sound like a douche bag, but
I've said this to you before. Your mom had three kids,
My mom had three kids. You act like you're the
only woman that had kids. Sometimes you know what I'm saying,
and it it makes you realize, like, fuck, like how
(23:04):
many times there is a woman here that and say,
you know, I don't want to say anything because I
don't want to feel like I'm not woman enough to
do this job. And then don't wake up. We're not
realizing that every pregnancy is legit different. Like when people
say that every pregnancy is different, every child is different.
It's so true because no two pregnancies are like in
the same woman. Think about all the different routes that
(23:25):
we've had. O, you have four kids now. Two kids
were perfect, like ideal situations, and to the bookends were emergencies.
One was emergency surgery to prevent you from hemorrhaging, and
the other one you had to get on magnesium to
prevent you from seizing season. This is the same woman,
(23:45):
four different kids, and for this pregnancy in particular, it's
not like we were doing anything out of the ordinary.
You were in your best diet, your best spiritual place,
your best monetary space, or your best financial space. We
were in the best space emotionally. We've been connected. You
were working out up until the last week, so you
(24:06):
literally did everything perfect and then for this to take
a turn like that shows you that there's there's no
answer for when it's going to happen and when it's
not going to happen. So I really want to let
men know and women know when when that woman says, hey, something,
don't feel right, don't take chances, absolutely not, especially um
(24:28):
when it comes to pregnancy and like post partum um.
It's estimated that up to sixty of maternal complications are preventable,
and with preventable complications that result in death disproportionately affecting
Black women. The best way that we can save lives
is by talking about our own experiences like we are
now with serious complications during and after pregnancy and childbirth.
(24:53):
UM so the most common, so we throw around them
the term preclamption. That's pretty much when you're blood sure,
it's elevated, and typically during pregnancy. From what I understand,
it's due to the placenta UM and they people who
suffer from preclamption normally have earlier babies, so they may
deliver early UM, probably by c section, because they want
(25:14):
to get the placenter out UM. So that's why it
was something that kind of threw us for a loop
because I'm like, Okay, this is not based on a
placenta because I no longer have my placenta, but my madiboset.
It can happen because of just hormonal changes. And it's
important because I remember, I'm not sure if it was
the nurse who was telling us, or if it was
the key, but there was a term she used. I
think it was called toxemia or toxemia, I can't remember.
(25:36):
What they were saying. Is when the placenta is developing,
sometimes the body sees it as a foreign object and
it rejects the placenta, which can cause these type of complications,
which means it doesn't matter if you're in perfect health
or you're in the worst health. If your body doesn't
receive the placenta growing the proper way, you can have
(25:57):
preclamps you and it can be an issue. You should
always look for the signs, you know what I'm saying,
so that you can be prepared when something like this happens, because,
like Taquilla said, your blood pressure is fine and everything
is fine until it's not. And when you get to
blood pressure and headaches, it can happen in the in
the split of the second exactly exactly. So. Preclam shot
(26:21):
is um a pregnancy complication characterized by high blood pressure
and signs of damage to the other order systems like
the liver and the kidneys, which is why they were
asking me if I had any kind of issues or pain,
you know, under my rib cage on my upper stomach,
because I believe that's where the liver is. UM. It
usually begins after twenty weeks of pregnancy and women whose
high blood pressure is typically normal, which would have been
(26:43):
me UM. So if you leave it untreated, it could
be fatal for the mom and the baby. That's why
normally they'll have to take the baby earlier and then
the baby would have to be in the Nike you.
Postpartum preclampshot is a rare condition that occurs when you
have high blood pressure or excess protein in your urine
soon after childbirth. For me, it happened nine days after
UM if you develop it within most cases people develop
(27:06):
it within forty eight hours after childbirth, which why which
is why for me it was so different, because it
can't develop up to six weeks after. But for me
it was, like I said, the nine days UM. It
requires prompt treatment. If you leave it untreated, it can
cause seizures or other serious complications. Signs and symptoms are
high blood pressure UM greater than one forty over ninety.
(27:27):
So if mine was in the house here at like
what was it one over one oh one and then
at the hospital over ninety which is pretty high. UM,
excess protein in your urine, severe headaches, which was what
I also felt. UM changes in vision, which is like
a loss of vision, possibly sensitivity to light is what
I had. Not necessarily blurred vision, UM painting your upper
(27:50):
belly under your ribs on the right side, UH, shortness
of breath, decrease urine or nausea, and vomiting. So one
thing they were checking for was my urine output. So
I remember had I had a little like bowl in
the toilet that I had to pee, and so Devout
cames and came in before the nurses did. He'd be like, damn,
you had you on I V so we knew you
(28:12):
were gonna You know, they want to make sure that
they're measuring how much you're and you're expelling, which is
you know. But but this is also another reason why
I was so concerned about being present during the birth
and immediately after the birth, because you miss things when
you're producing, you know what I'm saying. When you're trying
(28:32):
to create content or make a moment or manufactural moment
or capture moment, sometimes you missed the moment. And I
know this time around with us being older and you
considered being geriatric based on just your age. I just
wanted to be aware. I wanted to be able to
look in your eyes and not focus on anything else
(28:53):
but you, you know, And I've noticed some people would
be like, oh, you guys don't post as much or
you know, we haven't been able to see the God
to yet, and it's because we've been focusing on being alive,
you know what I'm saying. And I appreciate that people
are so invested in seeing us and being a part
of the process, but it is also very important during
(29:15):
these times to be in the moment. Like you can't
capture and produce everything. Sometimes you just gotta live. And
I honestly feel like if you and I weren't living
and being aware of each other, we could have missed that.
And if you missed that, then you miss out on life.
You're absolutely think about it. I probably would have been
(29:36):
capturing you having Shari here styling you for the Awards show.
That was another layer to it. Diva was supposed to
be leaving that Friday morning to go to New York
for the Soul tryin Awards. I knew I wasn't going
to be attending, of course, because we just had the baby,
and your mom was going and I know she was
super looking forward to being there with you, and Deva
was ready to shut the whole ship down and be like,
I'm not going to New York. And then of course me,
(29:56):
I'm like, you have to go. Your mom is looking
forward to it. I want her to experience against that.
You know, it would be a nice moment for you, guys,
a nice moment for you to present your first time. Um.
And if I was like, hey, I'm not leaving you
and until I know what is going on here, And
I didn't tell my mom purposely what you're going through,
because you know what she would have said, stay here
exactly exactly. I didn't tell my mom. I knew she
(30:16):
would have been like, well, we're not we're not doing
so crying train, can wait to train, can leave without
us the next train, exactly what she would have said.
I And then she ended up calling anyway, and I
had to tell her where I was because she was
just like, hey, man, why are you checking on me?
And I'm like I'm in the hospital, babe. Um. You know.
So there were just so many things going on, but
(30:37):
like like Devo said, we could have missed something if
we just weren't in tune, if I wasn't in tune
with my body, if and then I even reached out
to my sister and I was like, sorry, what do
you think her being a nurse, And she's like, well,
the Kia never overreacts. She's always level headed, and she
always gives the best advice, and she knows your body
really well. And I think you need to go and
(30:57):
do what she said and go to the er, because
she too was concerned with my high blood pressure. So
I'm glad that we did um that in that moment, because,
like I said, I was able to live to see
another day. And I'm glad you're here in days after
and I'm and I'm still watching you every day. You
ask every day I set my alarm, set my alarm,
(31:19):
I wake up? Did you take your blood pressure medicine?
Did you every morning? Blood pressure? Like white on right? Look,
look what you asked down here. If y'all can't see,
if you're listening, if I got my blood pressure cuff
right here, I've been here, like look, put your son
in your ass and now I'll see. I'm like a
(31:40):
nurse now because I know what to do. I put
that on right, like, hold it up to your heart. Wow,
I want to know. I call it. At the middle
of the day, I call on, like, how you're feeling.
I know how you had a feeling. What's your broad pressure?
I ain't checking in a while, we'll go check it. Well,
I gotta stop what you're doing. Check your blood pressure.
(32:02):
That's just what we are right now. That's it, that's
what we're on. Literally. So once I was finally released, Um,
I told him. I was like to the Soul Train Awards.
We knew that I was gonna be okay. We spoke
to the doctor. I felt confident. He felt confident that
everything would be okay. And I was like, you gotta
catch your flight to New York because crystals waiting on you,
Your mom was waiting on you. Y'all have to get
(32:22):
this stuff done. Um. Teams of team up all day
every day. So I wanted to make sure that y'all
were good. Um, once you knew that I was good,
And of course I had my mom and dad here,
you know, shout out to them for always holding down
the fort. So they had the kids in order. Um,
they were able to pick up the CODA and I
from the hospital. I got back home and was able
to rest. So now y'all know the story because some people,
some people, people who know us, it's like if that
(32:44):
looks tired, right, And just so you know, Soul Trained
Awards was Saturday, well, Saturday night, Wednesday night, codein and
codeine got it into the hospital. I didn't sleep all
day Wednesday into Thursday. Woke up, came home, worked out,
had some rehearsals, got the kids from school, went back
to the hospital, mad shred everything, came back home, did
(33:07):
everything again for the kids at night. Went and stayed
in the hospital Thursday night. Slept on that little ass,
thin ass mattress they have for me Thursday and too Friday,
and then Friday morning I had to catch a seven
am flight, got got to uh New York, had to
do my fittings and everything for that Friday nights. At
Friday night, I didn't sleep because I was anxiety. Kadine
(33:30):
and I ended up what happened Friday night and we
had argument Friday night. You remember that, Yes, we did
argument Friday night. This is another thing. Okay, want to
fight with me? You was picking a fight. She she's
I told I didn't want to go. I said, I'm
not going. I'm not going. I'm not going, right. So
(33:50):
then I go to New York to go to Soul
Train and I ended up meeting Um. I can't I
can't talk about it because it's something that that's going
to come out later. I end up meeting someone for
a new opportunity. So I get back to my hotel
room and I cocain. Now I'm all excited, and she's
just like oh, and I'm like what you mean by oh?
And then um, I had bought a new coat because
being in Atlanta, it's not as cold as it is
(34:13):
as it is in New York, so I wouldn't got
me new coats. And back in New York and this November,
and I say, he's like my coat and she's just like,
I hope you're not wearing all that jewel rasing no
football game, and I'm like, yo, what is the matter
with you? I didn't stay with my neck and everything
like that is putting. I couldn't even move my neck
to be able to do any of that either because
my head was hurting me. I literally just said, I
(34:33):
hope you're not going to that football game with all
that jewelry on. That's how you think you said it.
You just admitted to the people that you was on
mad medication and was loopy. Now you're gonna tell me
you were cognizant to know how your neck was moving.
This man, I was moving with a headache. I was
off the medication at this point, y'all was at this point.
I was of sound judgment at this point, I was
no longer no Ivy drip. I knew I was home.
(34:55):
I knew what was happening. Ivy was still coming down,
drip dripping your in your body. What you're talking about.
I was home at this point. I was home at
this point because then was picking a fight with me
because in her wanting to be supportive as a wife,
she wasn't saying what she really needed. Because what you
really needed was what say it? I wanted you to
(35:15):
stay home with me, thank you. And that's my point, right,
this is my point. When you need when you need something, conflicted, no, no, no, no,
when you need something, you have to say what you need.
You can't say what you think is right in that moment.
Then when I do that, get upset at me because
you're not getting what you need. That's psychological warfare, like
(35:38):
a psychological terrorist. I really, it's not like I was
upset with you. I wasn't upset that you were going there.
I was just like, I still wanted you to be
with me. Absolutely felt sad and a little bit absolutely
because I wanted to be back home after being in
the hospital for three days. I wanted to be home
and in bed and cuddling with you, and you just
weren't there. And it was absolutely justified. But but you're
feeling like that, it's absolutely justified, which is why when
(36:00):
I asked you, like, but I'm gonna stay, you should
justifiably say how you feel, not say what you think
is right in the moment. Know when you feel something different,
I know, but then I don't. I didn't want to
take away everything was so much about me for the
past but everything has been about me for the past
year with this baby, I feel like, so I felt
like this was a moment where it was about you
and it needed to be about you, and I wanted
(36:22):
you to be able to experience this for the first time.
So I put my feelings aside and I said, Babe,
I want you to go. You'll see what I'm saying.
But I really want you to din't. We just say.
We just say it's important for women when they're feeling
a certain way to be open and honest with their
partner about how they feel right now. But physically skinny
(36:43):
did We can't try to tell people the proper way
to do things, so they have open lines of communication.
But then you try to justify not doing that because
of anything. I don't want to hear anything about me
and and I almost now we're supposed to be about
you because I'm not almost dying anymore. That don't make
(37:04):
no sense. That was done the brink, but I was recovering.
Opportunities come and go right. There would have been another
opportunity if I didn't do so strange, there would have
been something else. But she looked so fine in that
turtle night turn, looking like a tall glass of coal milk,
almond milk, milk. But he was cute, That's what it was.
(37:26):
So it was worth it. She saw me looking fly.
It was worth it all mag I wasn't dead. I
still got that out of it. I'll put it on.
I told you put it on, putting on, and we
can get it on. We can't get nothing on what
you're gonna do? Oh, I know what You've got to countdown?
All right? How many more days to you got that golf? Golf?
Non thousand? Though? Well, I mean, however, because I was,
(37:53):
I was trying to be mad at you're not telling
me exactly what it is that you needed in the moment.
But here you are making jokes and talking out the account.
And then let's take a break because this is this
one is so left oxy toasting, get away from me.
(38:13):
We're gonna take a quick break, y'all, because the valty
is to cool off. We're gonna hold him down and
we'll move into listener letters after this. We're back listen time.
(38:35):
I had to go cool off without that. All right,
let me do this first one. Go for it. Okay,
what's up, guys? I need help, and I really feel
like y'all will understand where I'm coming from. How do
I have a baby after having a whole four almost
five year old that was us? My husband and I
went want to start trying soon for our second and
my daughter will be five in February. O pregnancy was
(38:58):
a little rough. I developed preclaims. Yeah, you know, and
had my daughter at twenty nine weeks, and my husband
and I were also nervous to think to even think
about me possibly getting pregnant again. It sounds almost like
us with Jackson and you haven't have stitches. Um, well,
now your girl is ready to get pregnant like yesterday.
But I am so out of touch with what's it
like to have a whole newborn? To be honest, what
(39:20):
do Tyler's even do anymore? My daughter is ready for
another sibling since rolled up on me last month asking
when I was going to have another baby. But kids
be asking like they got something to do with it.
But I'm a little nervous to start the whole process
all over again. Can y'all give me some tips or
advice that what worked for y'all with transitioning from one
kid to two. Um, not as concerned about the age
(39:40):
gap too much because my sister and I are six
years apart, so I know what to expect when it
comes to my daughter and her emotions. I'm the oldest,
so I understand the responsibility of having a younger sibling,
so were we both the oldest. But I don't know
how my mama did it, and need some millennial encouragement.
I know I have plenty of love to give the
two kids. Yes you do, Mama, but I want to
be able to make sure my daughter feels that way too.
(40:03):
Thanks for everything you'll do. We appreciate your baby. You
gotta answer for her. Girl. Go ahead that baby, go ahead,
and they go gay, go get pregnant like yesterday, like
you said, Um, I mean again, one of those things
you never really prepared for it, to have your first child,
your second child, your third child. I feel like the fourth.
By the fourth one, it's like one more added to
the bunch, like I said, another episode, like it's just
one more added to the bunch. Um. I don't think
(40:25):
the five year age gap like you said, wouldn't be
an issue because it's actually Jackson and Cairo are five
years apart, and I know that Cayro the door and
Kyro and Dakota are five years apart, so Kyro adores.
So I feel like your daughter, um already asking for
a sibling is going to be great because she will
then be almost like a little mini mom to this
new baby, and that new baby would completely be in
(40:46):
love with her and want to be so much like her,
especially if you have another girl. Um but I can
see how the trauma around having preclampshot and then having
your daughter at twenty nine weeks can pretend make you
feel like, man, we got over that obstacle. We're in
the clearer, she's five, We're good. And then it's like, damn,
don't want to go back to that point again, because
(41:07):
we have felt that way after Jackson. Remember right after
Jackson we said we weren't having no more kids. Right
after that whole episode was like I'm done, Like I'm
emergency surgery. You almost almost lose you. It's not doing that.
I'm not doing that. And that's what took us five
years between Jackson and Cairo. And we were so in
love with Jackson to that, Like everything Jackson day, we
were like Jackson, it's like the best thing ever, the
(41:28):
best kid ever. Um So I did have a lot
of that guilty feeling having another baby after Jackson, but girl,
the love is there. I will say this, though Jackson
came and I was like Jackson is so perfect. I
feel bad for whatever child comes after Jackson because no
child is going to be as perfect as fact. Then
Cairo came and was a different type perfection. Yeah, and
(41:51):
then after Cairo came and he was just this amazing
little person. Becaudan got pregnant immediately after and I was like, shoot, like,
we're gonna have two. And I was like, dang, look
at how perfect Jackson's. Look how perfect Cayro is. Then
we have a third different version of perfection. Literally now
with Dakota, you would think this is my first baby.
We just sit in the bed just steering him and
(42:13):
smiling like what she's biling like the coda and we
like to damn foods. Not I'm telling you, when it's
your child, it's just different forms of perfection, different combinations
of you and your husband. So go for a mama,
do that thing. I think you should do it. Do it,
do it, do it for sure? All right, I'll do
(42:33):
the second one. Yo. Love the show listening last week
on the topic of pregnancy and communication, and it struck
a nerve. I'm glad that ch'lld are enjoying this season.
I dealt with a woman for almost eight years, and
it's coming from my man. I think I always saw
her as a good person to kick it with, but
never got to the point of being in a relationship
because she already had a kid in a bag and
the baggage of our past. She got pregnant after a
(42:56):
plan B failed and wouldn't consider an abortion despite us
having us solid foundations last relationship. I always wanted to
be a good father and decided to try to make
it work for the sake of my kid. I reluctantly
traded in my bachelor lifestyle lifestyle for being a stepdad
to her daughter, which I adore, and a bitchy baby mama.
She constantly complained and talked to me crazy, telling her
(43:20):
my displeasure with our situation. Constantly ended up in fights.
I finally told her I wasn't it wasn't going to work,
and decided to move on. She'll never see that I tried,
or the effect of her attitude, only that I didn't
end up with her or my mistakes. Now that she's
seen me with another woman, she's decided to keep my
daughter away from me, which has now exceeded half of
(43:44):
her life. I now have to foul. I have now
filed cut for custody, but I'm trying to resolve things
with her in the meantime. Any suggestions take it to Corebra.
This this, this I'm telling you right now, if you
cannot amicate Amica Lee, split with your significant other and
still co parents, you take the necessary steps to petition
(44:07):
in court to see your daughter, because the last thing
you ever want is for that child to grow up
and be resentful thinking her father didn't fight for her,
because that's the hardest thing for a child to feel
like someone didn't want her, didn't love her enough to
fight and do everything to give her you know, like
and And the truth of the matter is, the court
doesn't only work for women. There are are plenty of
(44:29):
men who have used the court system to get the
rights of a parent. And as a father, you have
rights as well. So I would say, don't you know,
if you can't speak and things get nasty, don't do
it that way. Keep every email, keep every text message,
keep everything you have, every bit of communication you have
with her to go to court and get what is
rightfully yours as a father, because I tell you like this,
(44:51):
if you don't, she will, And if she goes there first,
more than likely it ain't gonna work out good in
your favor, bro, because the court system is not one
for black men. Let's just be honest. The minute you
walk into a court system, you are a public enemy
number one, whether that's for child support or any type
of petty crime. But the minute they see you in
(45:11):
the court system, they automatically assume that you're guilty as
a black man. So you better off going to petitioning
for your rights first, done and done. So I feel
about it. Do you sound like you're speaking from experience
we have We have friends who have fought, who have
been fighting. Yeah, I'm talking about good dude to make money,
who want to be fathers, but have dealt with you know,
(45:33):
some bitter women, because it's it's not always a dead
be dad. And then not for nothing, that's not always
a bitter woman. But sometimes sometimes you have these situations
where personalities don't mix and hurt people hurt people. So
if you happen to be with the person who has
been hurt in the past and now they're so purpose
in life is to try to hurt you, you can't.
(45:54):
You won't be able to get through that person. That
person needs therapy, that person needs help professionally, and rather
than trying to reason with them and they get caught
in a web of deceit and lies and miscommunication, go
through the court systems and get an attorney and and
make sure the judge appoints you your rights so that
you can be the best version of a parent you
(46:15):
can be for that job, because that's all that matters.
Sounds good to me, all right, y'all. If you like
to be featured as one of our listener letters, be
sure to email us at data has Advice at gmail
dot com. That's D E A D A S S
A D V I C E at gmail dot com.
My mom, and the truth is simple, ladies. If you
(46:37):
feel something, say something. If you feel like something is off,
say something. Do not wait, Do not try to be superwoman.
It's better that you get checked. They tell you everything
is okay, or they tell you it's not, and at
least you know. There is no comfort in guessing when
(46:58):
it comes to your health. And as much as we
try to be there for everyone else and to be
everything for everything everyone else, those there's moments where you
have to take a look at your own health and
your own well being first, because we cannot continue to
pour from an empty cup. So that being said, if
you feel something, say something, I'm gonna piggyback off yours gentlemen,
(47:21):
if you feel something is wrong with your significant other,
your baby, mother, your wife, your girlfriend, you say something,
don't wait for her to tell you. If you notice
something is off, baby, let's just go run real quick
and see a doctor. On top of that, if you
know your baby mama don't want you to go to
the Soul Train Awards because she needs you to stay here,
(47:45):
don't go because all she's gonna do is pick a
fight with you before you go to the awards. Have
you up until three four in the morning arguing, and
you're gonna be on the red carpet with eyes looking
like mine. It looks fabulous. Actually, if I do say so,
I appreciate you now about that suit? I got you.
Got you take to the dry cleanness you know, put
(48:08):
it back on, holding up night out of it. I
got you, alright, y'all. What's the end of this? I
forgot Sorry, close my laptop. Be sure to find us
on social media at dead as the Podcast and you
can find me I am and I am devout. And
if you're listening on Apple podcasts, be sure to rate,
review and subscribe, and make sure I'll share this season
(48:31):
with some people who are looking to be pregnant, are pregnant,
expecting parents, all that good stuff, like I appreciate you
listening good stuff. Dead as dead Ass is a production
of I Heart Media podcast network and is produced by
the Norapinia and Triple Follow the podcast on social media
at dead as the Podcast and never miss a Thing
(49:00):
I Do
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