Listener Letters

It's that time again! The Ellises get all up in your business and put their two cents in. Dead Ass.

See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
The new year is coming, make sure that it's new you,
because every year that's what people say, new year knew me.

Speaker 2 (00:09):
I'm just trying to get into these listening letters y'all
to see how y'all end in the year out, see
what all of the shenanigans have been happening, so we
can indeed go into the new year fresh dead ass. Hey,
I'm Kadeen and I'm Devoured, and we're the Ellis's.

Speaker 3 (00:26):
You may know us from posting funny videos with our.

Speaker 2 (00:29):
Boys and reading each other publicly as a.

Speaker 4 (00:32):
Form of therapy.

Speaker 3 (00:33):
Wait, I make you need therapy most days. Wow.

Speaker 4 (00:37):
Oh, and one more important thing to mention, we're married.

Speaker 3 (00:39):
Yes, sir, we are. We created this podcast to open
dialogue about some of Li's most taboo topics.

Speaker 4 (00:45):
Things most folks don't want to talk about.

Speaker 5 (00:48):
Through the lens of a millennial married couple. Dead ass
is a term that we say every day. So when
we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts one hundred
the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

Speaker 3 (00:59):
We about to say pillows off to our whole new level.

Speaker 4 (01:04):
Dead ass starts right now.

Speaker 1 (01:07):
Karaoke time, all right, because the stories are gonna come
from y'all absolutely. So this karaoke song is dedicated to
number three. That's what we have so many kids now,
we just to give them numbers.

Speaker 4 (01:19):
Number Where's one and three? Where's and four?

Speaker 1 (01:22):
Caswell song boy, Him and him and Kay get in
the car. The first thing out here is Daddy, Daddy,
can we play?

Speaker 4 (01:30):
I like the way your body is? Is it so obvious?
And klaneus I don't even know the worst.

Speaker 3 (01:35):
They don't know. They just being a call. And Kaz
knows the word.

Speaker 4 (01:41):
He does the words.

Speaker 3 (01:42):
Kaz and Cairo know the way they be back their
mouth of the words, And.

Speaker 2 (01:46):
Every time I attempt to sing you, they're like, Mom,
that's not the song. So at this point I refuse
to learn the words because it's just a running joke
that we have.

Speaker 4 (01:54):
But you know what, one day I won't learn it.

Speaker 2 (01:56):
I want to actually listen to that song in the
vein of us trying to stay on trend with our children.

Speaker 1 (02:00):
You're gonna blow their minds if you sing all the words,
They're gonna be like, yeah, mom.

Speaker 2 (02:04):
I'm trying to be that mom. So I'm actually going
to make it a point to try to actually learn
the lyrics at least for like the beginning and maybe
like the first chorus or whatever.

Speaker 3 (02:14):
I think you should and I think you should do
TikTok videos with.

Speaker 1 (02:17):
Them, matter of fact, matter of fact, going into because
you're forty one now, right, you're forty one now, so
going into the new year, you gotta go back back
in time, okay, to bond with your boys in a
different way, because think about it. I agree, I bond
with them in sports all the time. I take them
to practice, we do our stuff. You need to have
something with them, right, and we already talked about like

(02:38):
this is something else, sydebar.

Speaker 3 (02:39):
It's not nothing to do with listening letters.

Speaker 1 (02:41):
But Kadeen and I like, yo, we did const require
our parents danced with us, Like we learned rhythm with
and through our parents. Yes, and we were just like, yo,
we don't dance enough with our kids, and our kids
aren't in a choir. We got to teach them rhythm, Like, yeah,
you know, you have to have rhythm. A Caribbean African
American person.

Speaker 3 (03:02):
You gotta have.

Speaker 2 (03:03):
Your car will get revoked real quick. So okay, so
that's it. Twenty five y'all. I'll be doing an attempting
to do TikTok videos and dances with my son gonna
be It's not like a resolution that's not gonna get kept.
But at the very least, I'll make sure that we.

Speaker 4 (03:19):
Do more of that with the boy.

Speaker 3 (03:20):
I think you can do it.

Speaker 2 (03:22):
Listen, my Jamaican Caribbean Vincenia rooms can die with me,
so they have to live on.

Speaker 4 (03:28):
All right, y'all, let's.

Speaker 2 (03:29):
Take a quick break and we're gonna get into this
listener letter episode. I see devout scrolling and scrolling scrolling,
man baby, y'all sends over some dissertations and it's all good.
Cannot wait to dive in. We'll be back, all right, y'all.
We got quite a few to get into today, but
I guess we will. Actually, it's not a lot of them.

(03:49):
They're just lengthy. They're lengthy. They're lengthy. But listen, we
did ask that people give us context, and y'all have
been delivering on the context. So let's just hope in
one sided context. All right, all right, let's get to it.
Dear kadenan in Deval, I'm a twenty nine year old
Jamaican English big up Kadano Bop YEP chronically single woman.

(04:11):
I'm terrified of commitment because I grew up watching my
parents have to me what seemed like a very toxic
and unhealthy relationship. My mother was very domesticated and did
things around the house and served my father during the
times that he actually was in the household. He worked
out of the country to help provide for us. They've
tried to make things more egalitarian over the years, as

(04:33):
my father worked less and my mother subsequently started working more.
Could tell Jamaica okay, very English, suspicious, absolutely, and she
must say persons rather than people. I'm sure I love it.
My mom was okay, I got to that part. Sorry
you made me lose my spot? Okay, all good. They

(04:56):
have tried to make things more okay, we said that
part already to My mom overworks herself, and my father
can't seem can't seem to see or understand that the
things he does or better yet, the things he doesn't
do contributes to this as well. Often he feels comfortable
leaning on my mom in ways that I feel a
woman should lean on a man, not the other way around.

(05:18):
I never used to be big on gender roles, but
as I've started to heal my own hyper masculine tendencies.
I started to lean more into my femininity and it
has become a lot more important and desirable for me
to have a partner to do life with. I have
two older brothers who cannot be there for me or
be safe people in my life due to their own

(05:40):
issues and trauma. This has contributed to me having unhealthy
ideas about men in general as well. My question is
what can I practically do to be proactive in my
romantic relationships whenever I do get into one, so that
I don't recreate the same dynamic that my mother and
father had. I have come to accept that I'll probably

(06:02):
be very domestic, sorry, very domesticated, and my logic is
that I would feel comfortable being that way for a
man who provided for me. Indeed, how understood. However, I
know that financial abuse was an issue between my mother
and father, which caused my mom to overwork herself into sickness.

(06:24):
I have no problem getting to the bag, but I
do want I don't want it to be the most
important thing in my life anymore as it has been
for the past fifteen or so years of my life.
I've already overworked myself to the point of burnout, and
I don't want to end up stuck in a relationship
where I feel that I have to continue doing that
for any reason. My dad worries about being used by

(06:45):
women due to his own mommy issues, and you know,
they say we often end up attracting someone very similar
to our fathers. This frightens me, and I feel like
my logic could be faulty considering I'm so close to
the situation, but I don't know how to how else
to view things. I would love to see where perspectives
I might be missing. I worry about being used and

(07:05):
taken advantage of by men as well in regards to
my needs, going unseen and or disregarded while being in
a relationship, which has led me to avoid committing altogether.
Is there anything that I could be aware of during
the process of picking a partner and or also actually
while in the relationship to help reduce the likelihood of
recreating this cycle? And I want to overlook how a

(07:29):
man might feel in a relationship with me due to
these old wounds, for example, him feeling used. But I
also feel most loved and secure when I'm provided for
financially and materialistically. I love how y'all give advice from
a solidified relationship perspective, considering both sides. I like how
Dval discusses how he would feel as a man, and

(07:50):
then also how he would consider Kadeen as his partner
and vice versa with Kadeen as well. I often default
to just automatically assuming people are incompatible and should while
conflict when conflicts arise. Based on watching my parents grow up,
I recognize this probably isn't the best thing to DeVault to,
and I would love to experience a mindset shift.

Speaker 4 (08:11):
Please help.

Speaker 2 (08:13):
All right, thank you so much for this twenty nine
year old woman. She gave us a very well written
statement about how she feels. I think she was able
to really encompass that in this breakdown that she gave here.
So I think, like many of us, how we approach
relationships and how we approach wanting to be with someone

(08:35):
or what we're looking for when we start the dating process,
a lot of it has to do with how we
were raised, the things that we witnessed as kids growing
up and devalent. I think I've spoken honestly about that
over the course of Dead Ass podcasts, where it was
season fifteen now, so we've spoken candidly about how we
felt like our upbringing or just experiencing and being around
our parents and their relationships as either positively or negatively

(08:58):
impacted how we've shown up in our relationships, and a
lot of times we've had to pretty much change, like
complete one eight from what we've experienced growing up because
we didn't want to end up there.

Speaker 1 (09:10):
But I think that she's done the work first to realize, yes,
I know why I am the way I am, I
know my fears, I know what I want and what
I don't want.

Speaker 4 (09:18):
That's the biggest thing first, So that's a great thing.

Speaker 1 (09:21):
The next part is using discernment and saying, Okay, if
I know the type of lifestyle I want to live,
I have to create the best version of myself to
present to someone. But then I also have to pick
the right person to present the version of myself that
I want to pick. And hopefully, once I've created the
best version of myself and I've chosen the right person,

(09:41):
them two can create whatever life they want to create
for each other. The reason why I say that is
because she says she doesn't want to deal with financial abuse,
which means she doesn't want a man that's always going
to say to her, well, I make all the money,
you have to do what I'm telling you to do.
But she also doesn't want to have to work and
bust her ass all the time, right, So she's looking
for a partner.

Speaker 3 (09:59):
Looking for a partner, yeah.

Speaker 1 (10:00):
Which means that all starts with discernment, which means that
if you want to get to know your partner, get
to know your partner and their parents, because that's the
best way for you to understand how that person is
going to show up for you in life. It's not
only watching their parents interact, but how do they interact
with their parents. Because for example, you could see your
partner's parents interact and say, oh, that's a red flag.

(10:22):
I would never want he or she to interact with
me like that. But then when you realize like, oh,
they're speaking to their parents about how toxic this could be,
or they're saying to you like, yeah, I want to
make sure that we have enough communication in our relationship
that we don't replicate that behavior, then you realize that
that person is being deliberate about being different than what

(10:44):
they saw growing up.

Speaker 3 (10:45):
So it's just real learning. If your partner learning their family.

Speaker 2 (10:48):
Yeah, we've been through that de Valini, because you know,
being together at the tender ages of eighteen nineteen years old,
you know, having to aside from grow as individuals. We
really had to realize how as individuals we were impacted by,
of course the way we were raised and having our
parents as examples. So many times the val I have
said to each other, we can't end up like our parents.

(11:11):
And either sets of parents for whatever reason, we would
see various behaviors or the way one parent treated the
other or why they did and though it was never
our business to get involved or try to change who
they were, we just realized after experiencing that and seeing
how it could have been a detriment to them their relationship,
or even just us as children, not wanting to replicate

(11:33):
that with our kids. So just being super mindful. So
what I love about what you said here is that
you're very mindful of everything that your parents have kind
of lived and that was your lived experience. I think
you need to go into these relationships with a very
open mind about who you are attracting, who you are

(11:55):
trying to, as the Vow said, like who you're pretty
much casting your net to see who you're attracting that way,
when that person comes along, having these open conversations like
you did here and just kind of laying it out like, Hey,
this is my family background, this is what I've been
exposed to, These are the issues that I've had with
my parents, this is what I've seen, this is what
my brothers you are dealing with. And with that you

(12:16):
can then have those open conversations with whoever you decide
to date, hoping that they can then open up to
you about their lived experiences too.

Speaker 3 (12:23):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (12:24):
But the truth is you only will attract the type
of people that you The energy you put out will
attract those type of people if you're deliberate and.

Speaker 3 (12:30):
You're being open and honest.

Speaker 1 (12:32):
When someone that comes across from you is not delivering
the same thing, but they look the way you want
them to look, don't ignore all of that. And to me,
that's the issue I've learned mean people physically, because people.

Speaker 3 (12:45):
Will say, well, this is what I want in a relationship.

Speaker 1 (12:47):
They meet someone who physically is like, man, I really
like this person, so they try to fit all of
those person's red flags into that person, like I can
fix these things. No, if you're functioning at a high rate,
and you have certain things you want in your life,
and you sit across from somebody talk about those things early.
If those persons don't fit, then let them move on.
There's no reason to try to let's see. Let's see, no,

(13:10):
have the conversations early. And we spoke to a young
person recently who was getting into the dating scene and
they were just like, I don't want to scare people
off with what I require. I said, no, you do
want to scare people off because if you tell them
what you require and they run, that means that person
wasn't there for you anyway. That person was there for
their own agenda. You tell them what you require, and

(13:32):
they said, oh, I can get with that. This is
somebody you want to build with. But just remember you
have to do the same thing because the same way
you require things, she made meet a high functioning man
that requires a lot the same way she requires a lot,
and you have.

Speaker 3 (13:46):
To be willing to give the same way you want
him to give.

Speaker 2 (13:49):
So I wonder what it is about dating nowadays, because
you know, neither you or I have been on the
dating scene in forever, but there's this apprehension to authentically
up itself. It's almost like feeling like you have to
keep something to yourself right, so that all of yourself
is not exposed in the very beginning. Whereas I'm imagining
so and you're not going to even write in and

(14:10):
say if I'm wrong, But wouldn't you want to kind
of lay everything out on the table for the sake
of just time, like after a date or two, like
if I've laid everything out and you have realized that
they're just not anything, like, it's just not going to work.

Speaker 1 (14:24):
People go into dates wanting to be liked, and they
want to be liked by the person that they like.
So a lot of times it's like, Man, I like
that woman right there, I like her, what does she like?
Let me try to be whatever version of that that
she likes so that I can be with that person.

Speaker 2 (14:40):
So is it is a given that people like my
talking Instagram page first like let me see what this
person is into? Yes, and then using that as a
way to like spart conversation or show similar interests that
may not be there.

Speaker 1 (14:50):
That literally happens. I speak to my boys about it
all the time. They do it, and they openly admit
that they know women that do it. They say they'll
they'll see someone online if it is the first thing,
especially we didn't have this dating experience. But they meet somebody,
whether it's out. The first thing to do is go
to Instagram, Twitter page to see what they can learn
about them.

Speaker 3 (15:10):
Once they figure out what they learn and stuff, they
then try.

Speaker 1 (15:13):
To manipulate to be like, oh, we have the same interests.

Speaker 4 (15:17):
You don't have the interest so how long is that
going to last?

Speaker 3 (15:20):
And they don't last?

Speaker 4 (15:21):
Don't last? You see what I'm saying, event fade? Yes,
for sure, for sure.

Speaker 3 (15:27):
Well hopefully we helped you out, mama.

Speaker 4 (15:28):
Yeah, I'm trying to skim through to see if there
was anything else that I missed.

Speaker 2 (15:31):
But I think you did a really great job of dissecting,
like your parents, your your brothers, what you required. I
feel like you almost like laid everything out here to
answer everything. I don't think you missed much, to be honest,
I think it was one of our questions, I did
I miss anything here?

Speaker 1 (15:43):
I think you this is the work that's necessary to
do in order to get into a relationship. The hard
part is here is not saying hey, listen, so and
so sitting across the table, I'm looking to be in
a long term relationship. I'm not looking for casual sex.
I'm interested in these things which may scare somebody off.
And if it scares that person off, like we said,
let them run, you will sit across from somebody who

(16:05):
will say, oh, I'm interested in the same things. Actually,
that's someone you deal with, you know what I'm saying.
That's someone that you start to build with. If you
coming in there with a facade or trying to just
make that person like you, You're gonna struggle in a
dating scene.

Speaker 4 (16:20):
Absolutely, all right, SI's good luck to you, all right,
number two? You want to go for the number two?

Speaker 1 (16:25):
Waguan mnim Ib. When she started with the Waguan, I
knew what it was. I'll be thirty on seven to eleven,
always open. I was born and raised in Jamaica. My
family moved to New York North Long Island, Uniondale, ten
minutes from Hofstra Bullet bullet Yeah, yeah, fifteen years ago,
and that was a by the time we was there.

Speaker 3 (16:43):
Good morning.

Speaker 4 (16:44):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (16:46):
All this to say how much I can relate to
K and Kay and makes your stories feel even more relatable.
I was first drawn to you guys from the Tim's
family picture on Facebook and then again with the Balcony
Lingerie picture on Insta. Being a Christian Jamaica and sometimes Adventists,
it's refreshing to see a marriage that is fun in
the open, you know, so uptight then secret.

Speaker 3 (17:07):
Yes, we understand that.

Speaker 1 (17:09):
I started listening to the podcast rigorously, oh religiously in
twenty nineteen when I was trying to date intentionally for
marriage reluctantly. Now that I am married, I have a
two year old. This podcast is literally my therapy sessions.
It's ours too. Not sure if it's postpartum or just
unlocking some of the struggles traumas, but each episode literally
had me crying until the next episode for two years.

(17:31):
Now that sounds like postpartum, but hopefully we're gonna have
you crying too much. I am reluctant to listen because
my husband isn't interested in podcasts and social media personalities.
I don't blame him, and I feel I am growing
maturing faster in our marriage, thus making it really hard
to effectively implement most of what I am learning. And
most of all, I am reluctant to listen because this
podcast has, has and continues to open my eyes to

(17:53):
how things unknowingly influence my behavior. I am truly unlocking
so many traumas I didn't even know it existed. That
is the truth. The therapy will do that. I think
I might need real therapy at this point.

Speaker 3 (18:06):
And you go.

Speaker 1 (18:06):
I started writing this letter in the midst of your
Just Like Your Mama episode.

Speaker 3 (18:10):
Oh.

Speaker 1 (18:11):
I think most Jamaicans are defensive, but this episode really
made me understood, made me understand my own defensiveness. The
Valle explaining his understanding of why MEMI is defensive. I
can go on and on about the various episodes and
how they've they've helped, especially the sex ones that I
mentioned that I am Christian Jamaican. You guys hear it
all the time, but I'll say it again while crying

(18:32):
on my job and writing.

Speaker 3 (18:33):
This letter, that this podcast is truly a blessing.

Speaker 1 (18:36):
I pray that God will continue to provide you guys
with strength, time, inspirations and topics that will continue to
start the healing process for your listeners.

Speaker 3 (18:45):
Thank you, thank you, thank you, Love you guys.

Speaker 1 (18:47):
PS. Terrible please sneak this in. Oh trible, Why she's
spelled trible?

Speaker 3 (18:53):
Terrible?

Speaker 4 (18:53):
Oh it was probably an order correct.

Speaker 1 (18:57):
Thank you, thank you, love you guys, Trible, please sneak
this in. I hope it warms.

Speaker 2 (19:02):
There definitely, Thanky, No, we appreciate that, and I love
how Triple always sneaks in these love letters to us
in listener letters.

Speaker 3 (19:12):
I do have some things though.

Speaker 4 (19:13):
Yeah, I noticed a couple of things here, and I
just want.

Speaker 1 (19:15):
Her to understand that majority of our listeners start off
as women who want their partners to listen, and they
don't listen. So don't have give grace to your husband
because most men that I know don't listen to podcasts,
especially relationship podcasts. They listen to sports podcasts, or they
watch things that blow up, you know what I'm saying
Like that, that's just that's how we're wired. You know,

(19:40):
it's a proven fact. It's a scientific fact that when
lost women will ask for directions, men won't. Listening to
a relationship podcast is the equivalent, very similar asking for directions.
Men feel like we can figure things out. And I'm
not speaking for all men. I hate speaking in general generalities,
but it's the truth. Men feel like we can figure

(20:01):
things out, and asking for advice or getting for advice,
especially from another man can make even the strongest man
at times feels insecure.

Speaker 4 (20:09):
Undermind you under my wife. Now to them, right, what
is he saying?

Speaker 2 (20:14):
And you've gotten people who are just like damn like
men who and be like, damn, man, you're making it
hard for me.

Speaker 4 (20:20):
My wife, you.

Speaker 2 (20:21):
Know, talks about how great you are as a husband,
and then it's just like damn, like that's never the
intention is for anyone to feel bad.

Speaker 3 (20:27):
I say, be better, but it just like, don't come,
no real, don't don't.

Speaker 1 (20:31):
Don't come at me on the airport when I'm tired,
first of all, and be like, man, why are you
saying and doing to that nice stuff for your wife?

Speaker 3 (20:36):
Now you're making it bad for me. Listen to what
you just said about yourself.

Speaker 1 (20:40):
Stop doing nice stuff for your wife because it's making
me look bad.

Speaker 3 (20:44):
Be better. And I say that and they laugh.

Speaker 1 (20:46):
And we laugh together because it's always jokes and they're like, damn,
you're funny in person, not funding, but.

Speaker 4 (20:51):
I'm serious, but serious.

Speaker 1 (20:53):
I'd be serious like as much as as I will say.
Women need to be accountable. Men need to be accountable
for being better. And this is a perfect example. When
we did the podcast with nice and neat podcasts. Those
gentlemen all said to me that they felt like they
needed to be better and they noticed that I was
always on the journey to always be better, so it

(21:14):
made them feel okay.

Speaker 2 (21:15):
And you were open to When I said, hey, Deval,
this is young dudes that have a podcast. They seemed
like they're talking about some stuff reminds me of you.
You know, similar background, so maybe you should give a listen.

Speaker 4 (21:25):
And you are open to.

Speaker 1 (21:26):
And I listened to that podcast right because to me,
you're never too good or too perfect to be better.
That's why I said, I'll say to them, be better.
When you told me that you listened to them, I
was like, okay, what about them was better? And this
is where you can tell when someone has matured. I'm
going to pat myself on the back when it comes
to maturity. K first showed me the podcast, not because
everything they're saying was mature, but because Duke had a

(21:49):
wild physic.

Speaker 2 (21:50):
Remember, and then I found Duke's and I was like, ohhot.
I was like, you know when you feel like you
know somebody on social media?

Speaker 4 (21:59):
I was like, body baby, So it's like that.

Speaker 1 (22:03):
And to be honest, she did point out Duke because
she was looking at Chanel. One thing Kadeen and I
don't do. We don't get keep when we see someone
else that we like, dang their physik, their physique or
their mindset.

Speaker 3 (22:15):
Is like out of this world, right.

Speaker 1 (22:17):
Kay showed me Chanel first, and it was like, have
you seen Chanelle's husband, because I'm in this space now
with television, well, fiance, I'm in this space now with
television where I can't be super bulky because then I
look like a football player. But I also don't want
to be all skinny in Maga neither, because I want
to be able to lift my wife up and body
slammer in the.

Speaker 3 (22:35):
Bad you know.

Speaker 4 (22:35):
So you know what I'm saying. I need to feel
body on me.

Speaker 3 (22:38):
That's her thing.

Speaker 1 (22:39):
When I get too skinny. She'd be like, so she
showed me Chanel, but she did for me. She's like,
look at Duke's physique. He's extremely lean, but he looks
like he has enough size, about one hundred and ninety
five pounds. So I was looking at their page and
then he was. She was like, yo, listen to their podcast,
like it's three of them. Then you told me about
Omar and how Omar changed his eating habits and his
diet to help his wife with Let me get this right,

(23:04):
because I always say COPD because my grandfather passed away
from COPD. So when I hear the O and the
PID is always yeah, I get it.

Speaker 4 (23:12):
Which was a great episode.

Speaker 2 (23:13):
If you guys missed it this season, may have to
go back and listen to it and the Guys podcast.

Speaker 1 (23:17):
To first of all, their their story about how he
changed being an NFL athlete eating protein all the time
but wanting to do that for his wife was an
example to me about how I could also be better.
You know what I'm saying, Like, yeah, I helped K
with postpartum and we did everything you know pre natal.

Speaker 3 (23:34):
But I didn't know how to help her pass that.

Speaker 1 (23:37):
And then once she started taking the blood tests and
doing all these changes, I was like, you know what,
maybe I should make changes to help K.

Speaker 4 (23:43):
For both of us.

Speaker 3 (23:43):
And I've learned that from Omar.

Speaker 1 (23:45):
I've learned that from listening to Duke and Julyan, like gentlemen,
don't be afraid to learn and listen. And if there's
one thing about this listener letter that even though she
didn't ask a question, give your husband grace and don't
just give up on him if you don't want to
listen now, maybe show him a clip here, show him
a clip there, Show him.

Speaker 3 (24:03):
A clip that will help him.

Speaker 1 (24:04):
Right, you know what I'm saying, showing a clip where
I might have said something that he agrees with, so
that he doesn't feel like a podcast exactly.

Speaker 2 (24:11):
Yeah, yeah, And that was going to say to her,
it's all on the approach or even when you spark
those conversations with your husband.

Speaker 4 (24:16):
I don't know what your communication style is life with him,
but you.

Speaker 2 (24:19):
Know, asking maybe a question that can provoke conversation or
some kind of thought first, and then that way you
can then if there's something that you pulled from the
Valori in a podcast episode, you can just kind of,
you know, work that into the conversation somehow and not
make it seem like, oh well, getting de val who
are all knowing said it? But no, this kind of
made sense and it kind of relates to where we

(24:39):
are right now in this space.

Speaker 1 (24:41):
And I listened to podcasts right listen to other people,
listen to the people. I listened to earn your leisure
podcasts or learn about finances. I listened to the budget Nista.
I know she's not a man, she's a woman, But
this I'm willing to learn from anybody like That's that's
the only way I know how to give you guys information,
not because I sat here and created it. I listen,

(25:04):
I read, I watched documentaries. I listened to Matt McConaughey's book.
I listened to Will Smith's book. I listened to fifty
Cents book. I've learned so many different things from different
type of people in different walks of life. So hopefully
you know this helps you your husband and hell jump
in here and dass podcast.

Speaker 2 (25:20):
I love it, Thanks so much, Abby, And she also
cracked me up with Christian Jamaican sometimes adventis.

Speaker 4 (25:25):
Yes, yeah, that's me. It's me, you know, having a
very very adventist family, particularly on my mom's side.

Speaker 2 (25:34):
So all right, now, I think we should take a
quick break. That was a two solid ones that we
had so far. Yeah, we're gonna take a break paying
bills and we're gonna get back into the rest of
our listening letters.

Speaker 4 (25:44):
So stick around, y'all. We'll be back. All right, we're back.
Number three. What's the word?

Speaker 2 (25:56):
Kadeen and Deval I just started listening to the podcast,
and from January to Press, I have damn near watched
the majority of the episode That's Dope. I was introduced
to you guys when I bought the book, and just
want to say I appreciate y'all's platform. I'm twenty four
and my girlfriend is twenty three. We've been together for
seven years since high school. Congra we are long distance.
We were long distance for three years, or for three

(26:19):
of those years they were long distance, and eventually reunited
and bought a house together. I say that to say
I feel like we found ourselves back with each other.
I feel like we're fine, but we always find our
ways back to each other, which is great. I know
she loves me, but damn, I do not feel like
I get the respect I deserve. Almost a year ago,

(26:40):
I got into a shootout trying to protect her from
an altercation, and I ended didn't we have a shootout
in another like a couple of seasons ago. Man? See
all right, So almost a year ago I got into
a shootout trying to protect her from an altercation and
I ended up getting shot six times and losing my
car in the process.

Speaker 3 (26:57):
Many, Oh lord, there's for upon me.

Speaker 4 (27:01):
Blood and go ahead, mess thank God you're okay.

Speaker 1 (27:06):
Hey they okay. They may write in this letter that
means they enjoy your life. One of my homies got
shot recently this summer, and the first thing I did
when I saw him, I said, you know you belong here, right?

Speaker 3 (27:15):
He said, I'm here? So I put them fists up.

Speaker 4 (27:17):
I said, many, man, sure, it's too soon, and they laughs.

Speaker 1 (27:23):
When you cheat death is the best time to make
a joke. You belong here.

Speaker 4 (27:27):
Absolutely.

Speaker 1 (27:28):
If you got shot six times and you're still here,
oh there's a reason why you're here.

Speaker 4 (27:32):
You're supposed to be here, and you better enjoy life.

Speaker 3 (27:34):
God for that shot.

Speaker 2 (27:36):
So the crazy part is I'm not from Houston where
this happened, and I have no enemies. I'm from Chicago
and I served in the army for four years.

Speaker 4 (27:43):
It's ironic. It's ironic you in.

Speaker 1 (27:47):
The army and then you come home and you're not
even from home. You in Houston, beef and get shot.

Speaker 4 (27:52):
It's crazy.

Speaker 2 (27:52):
The war zones in our cities are more dangerous than overseas,
but that's another topic. But knowing my girl, knowing my girl,
I was in the middle of a shootout. I just
went into protection mode. I woke up in the hospital
seeing her with not a scratch on her. It made
me very happy and relieved. I did not care how
badly my body was damaged. I was only concerned about her.

(28:12):
I know she loves me because she wouldn't leave my
side in the hospital, even when my family offered to
watch over me so she can catch a break and
she refused. I always had respect for her, but seeing
that side made me develop more. I don't feel like
it's the same for her. When I speak my mind,
I feel like it's met with her being reactive to
what I say. I've attempted to change the way I

(28:33):
speak to her several times with the same outcome. It
feels like if I have an opinion, I'm automatically labeled
as sensitive. She gets upset as if she feels like
I'm trying to attack her attack her, and I truly
don't understand there.

Speaker 3 (28:55):
I'm just bringing me back. I got PTSD.

Speaker 4 (28:59):
Like that on to this so we can give this
brother some advice. Not gonna lie.

Speaker 2 (29:04):
It hurts because I feel like we both should be
at the point with a mutual respect considering what we've
been through. I kind of expect her to see how
much I loved her after what happened, since it seemed
that she didn't understand how much I cared about her.

Speaker 4 (29:17):
But it don't seem like she does. I hate arguing.
I'm very logical.

Speaker 2 (29:21):
I don't like to hold on to stuff, especially going
through that experience of almost losing my life without saying goodbye.
I do not want to take it for granted. Deval
As a man, what are your thoughts at this point?
I just want to I want to just close off
my opinion to her and just deal with it on
my own.

Speaker 4 (29:38):
Kadeen, as.

Speaker 3 (29:42):
This is our demanded, Go ahead, finish, finish.

Speaker 2 (29:44):
Kadeen as a woman, what do you think any experience
with being reactive or defensive and how it changed the value?

Speaker 4 (29:50):
Got whiplash?

Speaker 2 (29:51):
You definitely just got whiplash. I just appreciate y'all, and
please don't stop spreading the word.

Speaker 4 (30:00):
Y'all's wisdom and love to the world.

Speaker 1 (30:02):
Go ahead, no no no no no no no no
no no. Okay, I'll go first since you insist, so
my man, first of all, go ahead, Thank you for
your service.

Speaker 3 (30:14):
Okay.

Speaker 1 (30:15):
We have liberties and freedoms here in America because people
like yourself choose to go overseas and protect us appreciate you.
Got to say that first and foremost, because anybody in
the Arms Service always has my utmost respectolutely. Secondly, do
not give up on your girl. Okay, Kadeen and I

(30:35):
have been together for twenty two years. Okay, twenty two years.
She didn't realize what I felt and how I felt
until about three years ago. So for nineteen years, am
I lying? I'm a lying right now? For nineteen years,
I've been explaining to her, like yo, I feel like
I can't have an opinion because the minute I have
an opinion, you start crying. You get defensive. What am

(30:58):
I supposed to do? I even went through the whole
I'm just not gonna say nothing. I'm gonna deal with
it on my own. That don't help.

Speaker 4 (31:05):
Literally have ever bade him.

Speaker 2 (31:06):
So that's why he's reacting the way he's acted to
what you wrote, because he's like, I'm just gonna deal
with it on my own, and that's accurate.

Speaker 3 (31:11):
And I've tried to deal it on my own.

Speaker 1 (31:12):
You know what happens when you try to deal it
on your own, you get pissed because you like, now
it seems like you don't even care, right, I'm like,
I'm trying to deal with this. It's something we have
to go through in our relationship, and you want me
to deal with it on my own.

Speaker 3 (31:23):
You don't care? And she used to say to me, devout,
I do care.

Speaker 1 (31:26):
I really And I used to tell her this too,
I really feel like I love you more than you
love me. And she used to be like, wow, how
would you say that? I say, because I'm not allowed
to have an opinion. I'm not allowed to tell you
how I feel because I'm automatically seeing as sensitive or
called bitching. But then when I don't talk, then it's
you shut down, sir. Listen to me, bro. They've been together,

(31:50):
how long?

Speaker 3 (31:50):
It says? Uh?

Speaker 4 (31:52):
Seven years? Three long distance choo this high school?

Speaker 3 (31:55):
Yeah you twenty four. Y'all are in the.

Speaker 1 (31:58):
Infant stages of life, the infant stages.

Speaker 4 (32:02):
Yeah, they started dating.

Speaker 3 (32:05):
Y'all didn't even know each other. Y'all still don't know
each other, y'all twenty four and twenty three, y'all.

Speaker 4 (32:09):
Won't know each other for another decade at least.

Speaker 1 (32:12):
And the reason why I'm saying it like this is
because I don't want you to give up one each
other because things are not happening now in the early twenties.
It's gonna happen, bro, because, like you said, that woman
didn't want to leave your side when you got shot
six times, which means her love for you is different
than what you think it is.

Speaker 3 (32:29):
Right. We all have love languages. Right.

Speaker 1 (32:31):
How you represent your love to her through protection was
your way of representing it. How she shows her love
for you is protection, but it's in a different way.
She said, I don't care if your family say I'm
staying with you. Y'all have something for each other that's
hard to find, and that's mental fortitude to be there
for each other. Continue with that through your twenties and
your thirties, and I guarantee you y'all will find a
way to.

Speaker 3 (32:50):
Make it work.

Speaker 1 (32:51):
Please, don't give up. Everything you're going through is absolutely normal.
She's a young woman, you're a young man. Yeah, it's normal.

Speaker 2 (32:58):
Trust me, and we tendally with emotion a lot of
the time, Bro, I completely understand where you're coming from.
It literally feels like this is Kadeen. Yeah, this is
Deval and Kadeen. Like Davel said, maybe even five years ago. Yes,
that would have said the same exact thing. It may
be worth it for you to have the conversation with

(33:20):
her or even to observe her family dynamic, because I
recently said to de Val because he asked me, He's like,
what changed so drastically was you in the past, like
two three years? Like it feels like now you're allowing
me the space to say how I feel without getting
defensive or reactive or feeling the need to give an excuse.

Speaker 3 (33:38):
Can I jump in real quick?

Speaker 4 (33:40):
Yeah?

Speaker 1 (33:40):
I think it's important that I jump in and say
this because when she first started doing that, I thought
she was being passive aggressive. Well, I thought she was
just ignoring me because she was finally just listening, not arguing,
but then applying it. Yes, so when she does start
to listen, don't take it back as if she's just
doing it. And I want to make that very clear
because that happened to a couple of my friends. They
said after speaking to their wives out of know where,

(34:03):
she just started changing the behavior, and it was just like,
I don't know if she's being condescending or she's trying.

Speaker 3 (34:08):
To prove a point.

Speaker 4 (34:08):
I said, said that to me sometimes yeah.

Speaker 3 (34:10):
And I said, or maybe she's listening.

Speaker 2 (34:13):
Right, trying to be an active listener, trying to be
act listener and not listening to respond. And that's that's
eventually what had to happen with me. So Deval and
I recently, he was like, what changed in you that,
like all of a sudden it clicked, Like I've been
saying the same thing to you for years and we've
been trying to work through this, And I said, I
finally addressed within myself and acknowledged my upbringing my mom

(34:39):
for example, with this desire to be perfect that was
then passed down to me. We've spoken on previous episodes
about my mom and her upbringing. So I realized that
taking accountability in situations was not my forte. Like I
rather deflect in devoused words, get defensive and indefensive. To me,

(34:59):
that was just me explaining my point or telling you
how I arrived at my particular decision. That was what
I needed to do. That was my defense mechanism because
I was now deemed not perfect, or I've done something wrong,
or I've done something to upset him. So that's why
defensiveness was always my go to because I had a

(35:20):
hard time accepting accountability once I was able to say, damn,
this is my life partner, This is the person who
I want to openly express how I feel too, and
vice versa. When we live in a world, in a
society where black men in particular are silenced or not
encouraged to say how they feel. I wanted to create

(35:40):
a space where my husband felt that sense of peace
and that wanting and the desire to unleash how he felt.

Speaker 4 (35:47):
So how am I going to make that environment comfortable
for him?

Speaker 2 (35:50):
If I'm not actively listening, if I'm only listening to respond,
if I'm getting defensive, if I'm crying and making it
about me like I've really had to control my emotions
in those circumstances to the point where sometimes I could
feel myself starting to bubble over.

Speaker 4 (36:05):
Just excuse myself from the room.

Speaker 3 (36:07):
Where you're going, Where you're going, I'm going to.

Speaker 4 (36:10):
Just run a bathroom. Just run in a bathroom, and
I would go to the bathroom.

Speaker 2 (36:12):
I'll let out whatever I had to let out, because
I didn't want the focus, which naturally tended to shift
in most circumstances, from deval going to be concerned about
something he feels to then now saying damn, okay, are
you okay? I never wanted it to be a deflection,
so I had to really work on controlling my emotions
and really just sitting back and listening and trying to
understand his perspective. And then we may not agree, but

(36:35):
at least he felt heard, he felt seen, he felt loved.

Speaker 4 (36:37):
At the end of it, well, I gained a greater
understanding for how you felt.

Speaker 1 (36:41):
Legitimately, it wasn't only that I wanted you to agree.
I just wanted you to understand where I was coming from.

Speaker 2 (36:48):
But I feel like that's what I was expecting too
from you, Like I'm going to explain to you why
I did this or how I arrived here, because I
want you to genuinely understand that it wasn't in malice.

Speaker 3 (36:57):
Yeah, and I understand that.

Speaker 1 (36:58):
But if I'm coming to you because I am having
an issue, when you immediately go to well, you need
to understand where I'm coming from, It's like, wait a minute,
I'm coming to you with a issue. Will he had
that second, But it has to be about what you
want first, that's.

Speaker 4 (37:11):
What me and I never or how that make you feel.

Speaker 3 (37:15):
But then also and I want him to be clear.

Speaker 1 (37:18):
Once you did start to change and listen, and I'll
be telling you how I feel, and you wouldn't you
be stoic at times and I'd be like, do you
even care? And you like, I do care, but you
used to say that I cut you off all the
time you said that, I would try to get defensive.

Speaker 3 (37:29):
So I'm trying to listen.

Speaker 1 (37:30):
And it took me a couple months to be like, like, yo,
she actually is trying to implement the things we worked on.
And at first I wasn't accepting of it. I thought
that you were being not what's the word not not condescending,
like dismissive, being dismissive, but also like like, okay, you
wan me to listen, I'm listening by patronizing me, I
thought you were patronizing me, which and I want them

(37:51):
to understand that once she starts, don't automatically assume that
that she's patronizing you, because then that becomes another issue,
because that became an issue for us for a couple months.
And I was like, you don't even care. Look, you're
just sitting there, and she's like, devalu, you don't want
me to cry? You don't want me to tell you how,
I said, no, I want you to at least say
that you understand where I'm coming from.

Speaker 4 (38:10):
Right, And then I felt like it wasn't enough to
just be like I'm gonna listen.

Speaker 2 (38:13):
Yeah, baby, I understand. And then he would say to me,
you don't understand. You just pacifying me right now. You
justcerned to end the conversation, and I'm like, right, no,
You've been craving and asking for me to listen to you,
and I'm genuinely trying to listen to you.

Speaker 4 (38:26):
And yes, had a moment where I clicked because I'm like,
I can't.

Speaker 2 (38:28):
Continue for another twenty two years doing the same thing
that we've been doing. And a lot of it, I
think was, like I said, growth on my part, y'all,
I'll being tired of talking about the same shit over
and over over again.

Speaker 1 (38:40):
Part he wasn't only one that had to grow. We
both had to grow because I had to learn how
to accept it. I was asking for it, yes, and
then when you first tried to get it to me,
I didn't know how to accept it.

Speaker 2 (38:47):
So it's and then me working on myself and looking
internally and saying, why do I have a hard time
like conducting myself in the manner that needs to be,
you know, conducive to this relationship working, where I can
listen to my spouse and then consider how he feels
and then not take that as an attack because I
val said too, I can compliment you Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursdays,

(39:09):
something may not go as planned, and I SAYK, hey,
you know X y Z happened and it didn't make
me feel good, and then that doesn't negate the fact
that you did well all week, And I had to
also take that in and say, you know what, You're right, like,
you're entitled to have a moment where you're not agreeing
with something that I've done because it's happened to me too.
Where I can let you know how I feeling. You've

(39:30):
made me feel safe to say that. So good luck
to you, bro. You and your girlfriend been together all
this time, got a house together.

Speaker 3 (39:37):
Yeah, only twenty three and twenty four.

Speaker 1 (39:41):
We've had moments of enlightenment through our relationship, which means
now at forty, we're starting to understand things because we
had to go through it for twenty two years. You're
only twenty three and twenty four. We've been in a
relationship as long as you've been alive. Like, think about it.
It takes experience in try error. It's just like any

(40:01):
scientific notion.

Speaker 3 (40:02):
Right.

Speaker 1 (40:03):
Einstein didn't just come up with these ideas and say
I figured it out. No, he failed time and time
and time again, and with each failure was a lesson
that he learned and apply to finally figure it out.

Speaker 3 (40:13):
Ha, here's the light bulb. You know.

Speaker 1 (40:15):
What I'm saying is that aha moment comes over time
trial and error. So don't be down on each other.
Enjoy the process of trial and error. Love on each other.

Speaker 4 (40:24):
Yes, you know, because you were definitely here for reasons.

Speaker 3 (40:27):
Absolutely, Son, many men that they couldn't get it.

Speaker 4 (40:30):
Done being period period.

Speaker 1 (40:32):
All right, Well, I understand his perspective completely, but as
an older just I hate saying that as an older
that's as a seasoned, as a married gentleman. Now I
don't look at that as daunting as I did when
I was in my twenties, because in your twenties and
even your early thirties, your fear is that this is
going to be the rest of my life. And what

(40:53):
I can assure people after going through this is that
if you have a partner that rocks with you like
K rocks with me the way I rock with her,
nothing has to be your whole life if you're committed
to working on it together.

Speaker 4 (41:05):
Agreed, you know. So yep that's I.

Speaker 3 (41:08):
Hope that helped a lot.

Speaker 4 (41:10):
All right, next month.

Speaker 3 (41:11):
Number four, Hi, Kadeen and Devo.

Speaker 1 (41:14):
I just want to say I love you guys so
much and try to put everyone I come across on
to y'all.

Speaker 3 (41:18):
Thank you so much. We appreciate you.

Speaker 4 (41:19):
I'spad.

Speaker 1 (41:20):
I've been listening to the Dead Ass podcast since the
beginning with the capital b EGI n N I n G.
I've watched you guys grow as individuals and come together
and be stronger as a couple.

Speaker 3 (41:31):
Family.

Speaker 1 (41:31):
You guys are my oldest siblings in my head, so
actually hearing what you both have to say is important
to me. Okay, So I wanted to ask you both
a question and see if you can help me see
things from a different pov. I listened to the podcast
season fourteen, episode seven Till Death Do What's Part. During
the episode, y'all spoke on allowing your spouse as friends
to the room for them to change and if you

(41:53):
support them, then let them know. And if you are
content with where you are, let them grow and evolve,
but don't stand in the way. I'm a twenty six
year old woman and have had experiences with both spouses
and friends wanting to elevate and evolve with things in
life and not stick to what we would usually do.
Of Course, naturally, I questioned the change, not to stop them,
but to see where it's coming from, see why they

(42:15):
wanted to Each time, I've been supportive and understanding as
well as open to learning what they are trying to do,
so that we still have a connection in something. I
also it also gives me a chance to see a
different pov of the life that might change in me
in a good way too. That's really, really, really good.
Right now, I'm single, but I had two boyfriends my
whole life, one for eight years, ages sixteen to twenty two,

(42:38):
and another for three years, ages twenty three to twenty six.
With both relationships, they wanted to change and evolve, and
I encouraged to supported them with their changes. I wouldn't
find out until later in both relationship that the change
was to pique interest in another female. I had a
friend of ten years, ages thirteen to twenty three, who
decided to stop doing what all young people do at

(42:58):
twenty two and give her life to the Lord. I
respected her changes and was very open to learning what
she was getting into and didn't do anything around her
that I felt wasn't aligned with her now new life path.
That's extremely supportive and shout out to you for that.
She began pulling away. I didn't realize at first, and
after a couple of months of ghosting me, she texted
me that she can't be friends with me because I

(43:19):
smoke and was having pre mariter relations with my then boyfriend.
A year later, she ended up doing everything she used
to engage in before her life changed and wanted to
hang out, but I wasn't comfortable with being friends with
her anymore. That's fair, I want to add. While each
person wanted to evolve, I was also changing. I was
not content being where I was either, and was doing

(43:39):
what I needed to do to get there. Hallelujah. You
should graduated high school, went to college for a year.
I didn't like it, so I went to a trade school.
I rocked with that to still be better in life,
got my first car, worked as a dental assistant, then
went to intersecurity because saliva was.

Speaker 3 (43:54):
Not my thing.

Speaker 1 (43:56):
Now I'm working as a really good, high paying job
and contemplating being a cop once again.

Speaker 3 (44:02):
If you do that, thank you for your service. I
have plenty of police officers in my family.

Speaker 1 (44:05):
Deval, you said to use discernment when it comes to
giving people your time and being open to seeing a
different POV from your spouse or friend.

Speaker 3 (44:12):
What am I doing wrong?

Speaker 1 (44:13):
I know I shouldn't question myself about what they're doing,
But if I'm being supportive, understanding and open to them teaching,
showing me about what their next want in life is,
why do they leave me where I'm at? Am I
not good enough for them to bring me along? I
push everyone around me to be and do better in life,
but all I get in return is being told I

(44:34):
can't do this, I can't do that. Am I not
using my discernment right?

Speaker 3 (44:37):
No? You're actually using your discernment perfectly.

Speaker 1 (44:40):
It just seems like I do so much and care
so much for people who come into my life. How
do I put myself in space with people who pour
into me and not those who don't support me the
way I support them?

Speaker 3 (44:50):
Girl? You are actually learning.

Speaker 1 (44:52):
You're learning these people removing themselvesly finished, thank you both
for taking the time out to help me with this
and that I can do and what I can do differently,
I love y'all so much. And thank you to everyone
behind the scenes who help put this all together. That's
a shout out to Matt Josh.

Speaker 4 (45:09):
Yes, Oh my god.

Speaker 2 (45:11):
One particular portion of this, I felt like I was
reading a part of my life from where I had
a friend.

Speaker 3 (45:15):
I know, I know exactly when she said, I.

Speaker 2 (45:17):
Was like, yes, so I can totally relate to you
here because I had a friend for years.

Speaker 4 (45:26):
We were in dance schools together when we were babies.

Speaker 2 (45:29):
We ended up you know, parting ways as babies, you know,
as people do, and eventually later on in life reconnected
through through mutual people, and it was just like, oh
my god, I can't believe this is the same person.
Our mom was like, oh my god, I can't believe.
Like we literally had pictures in ballet recitals together at
three and four years old, became really really great friends

(45:50):
and all of that, super close I would say, best
friend status, and then shortly after I had Cairo, little
by little, she just started to kind of pull back. Yeah,
the communication got less and all of that. And I
knew that she was on a particular path with her
religion and with the Lord, and I was like in
full support of it, to the point where I said,

(46:10):
if the things that we were doing before, which meant
literally we were going out Thursday, Friday and Saturday night,
you know, drinking, party, having fun, dancing, that's what kids do,
That's what we do in our twenties or whatever. And
I had said to her, like, listen, if you're not
comfortable in those environments anymore and they don't align with
whatever you have going on, I totally respect that. I said,
it doesn't have to be that for me to be

(46:31):
your friend. We can literally you can come to the house.
We can order in, we.

Speaker 3 (46:36):
Can the house.

Speaker 4 (46:37):
I did it.

Speaker 3 (46:38):
She came by, I had a conversation, she.

Speaker 2 (46:39):
Had a conversation. Everything was cool. It seemed like she
helped me watch the baby at the time. I took
a nap. We maybe ordered in, she brought over, you know,
some food, and everything I thought was okay. And then
slowly but surely ghosted, ghosted, like completely ghosted. The text
messages became that much fewer, very generic like, hey, hope
all is well, praying for you kind of thing. And

(47:01):
I had a long time where I was looking at
it like, man, maybe there was something that I did wrong.
And I took it personally because I felt like, damn,
there had to have been something that happened that I missed.
And for a long time I dealt with grieving that
friendship because I felt like, damn, like without any kind
of explanation, this person who was such an avid part
of my life just completely disappeared on me until I

(47:22):
found out through speaking to more family and friends of hers,
that she's kind of pulled away from everyone.

Speaker 1 (47:27):
And that's the key there is that sometimes we say
what's wrong with us, right, not realizing that that person
is going through something and they pulled away from.

Speaker 2 (47:36):
Everybody, everyone altogether. And the inclination is to want to
blame yourself. And you have to realize ultimately that some
people are just there seasonally for you. Some people are
not meant to be there for the entire course of
your life. If you're fortunate to find a friend or
a spouse even who can be there for that timeframe,
then that's great. But you feeling like you need to

(47:59):
find the discernment to or you're looking for the discernment
to pick the right people to pour into you.

Speaker 4 (48:04):
I think that's necessary.

Speaker 3 (48:05):
This is the point.

Speaker 1 (48:06):
If people are removing themselves from your life for whatever reason,
whether it could be you or it's them, that is
what discernment is. Yes, they remove themselves, I let them go.
Not using discernment, it's chasing them down and saying we
are supposed to be together exactly. And then now you're
trying to force something that wasn't necessarily supposed to be

(48:26):
there anyway. Once again, you're in your twenties, you'll realize
and I understand the twenties. For a lot of people,
it's like I'm no longer a teenager. I'm making my
own money. This young lady has definitely been I mean,
she went to college for one year, decides she didn't
want to do that, went to trade school, changed from
dentistry to now doing security, looking to be a police officer.

Speaker 3 (48:46):
She's trying to find her out.

Speaker 1 (48:47):
To be honest, young lady, you shouldn't be so focused
on everyone else. You should be focused on creating the
best version of yourself and then using discernment to see
who you want to share your life with, whether that's
friends or a significant other. But you're doing everything the
right way, and the truth is doing things the right
way sometimes is very lonely.

Speaker 2 (49:08):
Yes.

Speaker 1 (49:08):
One of the things I learned from Tyler Perry, who
I speak to probably once a month, he says, Devo,
it's lonely when you're trying to find yourself.

Speaker 3 (49:16):
I said, what do you mean.

Speaker 1 (49:18):
He's just like, when you're constantly spending time trying to
be the best version of yourself and you're surrounded by
people who are constantly trying to be the best version
of themselves, you don't have a lot of time to
spend with each other. Yes, and it gets lonely and
you feel like, am I doing things the right way
because I'm only by myself? And then you start to realize, like,
this is a process that happens in life. He just

(49:39):
turned fifty five. You're twenty something years old, which to
me tells me I'm never going to reach a point
in my life where I'm settled. These are my friend groups,
this is my wife. Everybody knows exactly who they are.
We all move together in a Kumbaya moment. No, people
are constantly evolving.

Speaker 4 (49:59):
And change, changing, constantly shifting, and.

Speaker 1 (50:02):
Yeah, don't and don't take it personal if someone leaves
your life. When I read the four agreements, the don't
take it personal part really changed my life because and
I always give this example. You walking down the street.
You see a young person coming down the street the
other way. They look like they're in a bad mood.

(50:23):
You say, man, everything all right? The fuck on my face?
Why are you talking to me? Bitch A d da
da dah. The first thing you're gonna say is what's
wrong with me? What did I do to this person
said those things to me? Little did you know that
person found out that they determinedly ill and they don't
have long on the planet. Everything that they said to

(50:43):
you was a projection of what they were going through.
It literally had nothing to do with you. With you,
and it works both ways. You're walking down the street,
a young person is there. You say, how you doing?
They're like, man, you the most beautiful person I ever
met in my life. Man, give you a hug. Say
here's one hundred dollars. Now you think, and shit, I'm
the shit. This person just gave one hundred dollars for
no reason. Little did you know this person just found

(51:05):
out that they hit the mega jackpot and it's not
worth three hundred million dollars.

Speaker 4 (51:08):
Nothing can make you feel bad.

Speaker 1 (51:10):
Everything they're going through is a projecting of what they're
going through.

Speaker 3 (51:14):
Have nothing to do with you. You ain't that handsome dude. Yeah,
you know what I'm saying. Nobody's gonna give you money.

Speaker 4 (51:19):
Absolutely. That's the same thing with the comment section.

Speaker 2 (51:21):
People are projecting, projecting, projecting about their own circumstances.

Speaker 4 (51:26):
Yes, don't let that interfere with what you have going on.

Speaker 2 (51:29):
I think the best advice you gave, babe with this
whole thing was you are twenty six and you were
still trying to figure yourself out, figure yourself out, figure
your life out. And once you were so sure of
who you are, and as you continue to progress through life,
the people who are meant to find you and be
on this journey of life with you, Yes, will be there,
whether it's for one season or for several facts. You

(51:51):
just have to understand that.

Speaker 1 (51:53):
I agree with that. All right, let's take a quick break.
This is the last break of the year before we
come back.

Speaker 2 (51:58):
And I'm so excited.

Speaker 4 (52:01):
One or two I don't know what.

Speaker 2 (52:04):
All right, we'll see what time permits for all Right,
we'll be back, y'all. Stick around. All right, we're back
with our last two listener letters of the year. I
can't believe this year just flew by. Twenty twenty four
was so insanely It was a wonderful and year. Yeah,

(52:25):
it was the year of forty. It was an incredible
year for me at least. How do you feel, babe?

Speaker 1 (52:29):
I feel great, Kadeen and I have a lot going on.

Speaker 3 (52:35):
Yeah, this year we had so much going on.

Speaker 1 (52:37):
We weren't able to, you know, put as much into
the podcast because we were traveling a lot. But going
into twenty twenty five, yeah, we have some things we.

Speaker 4 (52:48):
Want to turn up on y'all.

Speaker 3 (52:49):
We're going to turn up on y'all.

Speaker 2 (52:51):
It's gonna be and not just podcasts, just like everything. Yeah,
I feel like there's gonna be a lot of really
great stuff coming out of your way twenty twenty five
and thanks Got Twenty twenty four was a year of expansion, elevation,
getting rid of things that we no longer serve, that
longer served us, and moving into the space that we're
meant to be.

Speaker 4 (53:11):
And so I'm excited or the.

Speaker 2 (53:13):
Top of Q one, y'all, So let's finish out with
these last two before we send y'all on. Y'all way,
all right, hey, family. In my head, I recently came
to under came to an understanding of how deep your
inspiration and guidance has pushed me to who I am today.
In twenty thirteen, I left a narcissistic relationship in which

(53:36):
I was in for nine years. I was so scared
to leave because I was going to raise three children
alone and was always told and I'm only a good
mother because I have help. After hearing negative things for years,
you start to believe it. Leaving with three children with
no plan in a day was insane. I moved and
settled down, but didn't realize how my mental health was

(53:58):
about to destroy me. For the next couple of years,
anything dealing with mental health, I was dealing with it.
Social media was my addiction and I definitely it definitely
helped with my depression. I was eating all unhealthy foods
and looking for attention in the wrong places. In the
midst of my unhealthy scrolling, I found laughter and joy
in twenty seventeen when I started following you on ig

(54:21):
When I tell you, I wasn't prepared for what God
had in store for me in twenty nineteen when you
guys started dada Ass podcasts. The many issues you discussed
helped me in many departments of my life, my biggest
being my mental health and motherhood. Your love for each
other showed me that anything is possible when you manifest
your life. I never even heard the word manifestation until

(54:43):
I started listening to you. Now it's all I do,
along with prayer. Yes, it same same, same SA and prayer.

Speaker 4 (54:51):
That's it.

Speaker 2 (54:52):
Since I started following you, I found my husband, who
I married in April of this h I'm in school
for my psychology degree because I want to help others
break certain generational mindsets by becoming a life coach and
inspirational speaker.

Speaker 3 (55:06):
Come on now, come on talk about it.

Speaker 2 (55:08):
I want to encourage self love and understanding. And I'm
now in the works of starting my family podcast, which
I already scheduled a session for with Triple.

Speaker 4 (55:19):
Come on, this is.

Speaker 1 (55:20):
All manifestation because Triple talked about helping people start.

Speaker 3 (55:23):
This is great.

Speaker 2 (55:24):
This is such a good one. Although I'm not a
part of your team, you all are a part of mine.
You've helped push my ideas into my reality with the
saying of close your eyes and picture what you want.

Speaker 4 (55:36):
If you can see it, you are.

Speaker 3 (55:37):
Already have it. Let's go, let's go. That's the truth. Though.

Speaker 4 (55:42):
The last thing you closed out your first live dead
Ass show or my first live dead Ass show with
so I guess this is saying that people want the
Dead Ass Live show is back.

Speaker 3 (55:52):
Oh Man.

Speaker 2 (55:53):
I don't know.

Speaker 4 (55:54):
I don't know, but I love to hear that.

Speaker 2 (55:55):
That's something that resonates with people because it's something that
develop and I do it the very and of every show.
Not all superheroes wear capes. Please understand you help save
my husband's wife and my children's mothers. Oh Man, the
tears are about to fall.

Speaker 3 (56:12):
I know right, mind too, man.

Speaker 4 (56:14):
Thank you deeply from a healing woman. This is why
we do it, you know.

Speaker 3 (56:21):
Here's the truth. Guys.

Speaker 1 (56:22):
Man, Sometimes because they and not feel like how long
we going to keep doing that ass podcast?

Speaker 3 (56:31):
Yeah, because we've shared.

Speaker 1 (56:33):
Even though we evolve and we changed, we've shared so
much of ourselves so far. We got we don't have
a lot of time and we want to spend it
with our kids. We have other things, we want to do.
But when we hear how people resonate with what we're
talking about really just makes me like, yeah, no, you're good.
You know, like there's not a lot of positivity on

(56:54):
social media because it's so easy to get clicks by
being negative and just.

Speaker 2 (57:01):
Creating lies, right or pinning groups of people against each other,
Like it's just so much of that, and this is
really really nice to.

Speaker 3 (57:11):
It just be like, now we're not going to stop.

Speaker 2 (57:13):
And it's crazy because we have been having I guess
we can let y'all know this because we family. We've
been discussing now that pretty much our contract is at
an end this year with iHeartRadio, and it's like, do
you re up and try to do another contract in
a couple more years in the podcast or do we
just end it here? And I feel like when you

(57:35):
pray for and you you pray for guidance and you
pray for answers and you get them, I feel like
this is literally God saying keep going, Like this is
not the end of Dead Ass Podcast. It won't and
it won't be, but it's great to hear these love
letters from you guys that help us keep going. So

(57:56):
and I'm just happy for her. Look at how her
life has.

Speaker 1 (58:00):
Deeply from a healing woman like she a narcissist relationship.

Speaker 4 (58:03):
Where someone telling her that she wasn't.

Speaker 1 (58:05):
Nothing all that time for her to start believing it
and then to just get out and there be like, no,
I'm going to do stuff and now and she's about
to change a.

Speaker 3 (58:12):
Bunch of people.

Speaker 2 (58:13):
And this is a testimony to letting people know this
is eleven years in the making of her healing and
figuring out how she's going to make it out. And
she finds her husband, and she goes to school, and
now she starts her own podcast. Like so many things
can happen. So when people are looking for these microwave
relationships or these overnight successes or these instant gratification moments,
they don't exist, and if it does, it's probably not

(58:35):
worth it.

Speaker 3 (58:36):
So she just makes me feel good to know that
people feel good listening.

Speaker 1 (58:40):
Yeah, you know, like that's really that's really all I
want When people ask why y'all share so much? I
want somebody to be better, and don't want somebody to
do better, live a better life, learn something so that
they can create something that they never had.

Speaker 3 (58:54):
Yeah, you know, that's all. That's all Kneena and I
ever wanted.

Speaker 4 (58:57):
It's that person by a person, just like little things.

Speaker 2 (59:00):
This helps me meet the world a better place and
the human experience that much better.

Speaker 4 (59:05):
You, Elie, love you too, Man, love you too.

Speaker 1 (59:08):
All right, that's gonna lead us into our last listener
letter of the year. All Right, I want to start
by saying I love you guys and your family. We
love you too. You have answered the question. You have
answered the question I've had previously, and you gave amazing advice,
so I figured I test my luck again. I do
want to remain anonymous because my question is regarding something
personal and sensitive, So here it goes. I am not

(59:30):
satisfied with my sex like capital left capital. I have
been married to my husband for two years, but we've
been together for about seven. The sex has never been
mind blowing, but it's been enough to sustain our relationship.

Speaker 3 (59:42):
He is easy to please.

Speaker 1 (59:44):
It's easy to get him aroused, and it's usually quick
to get him to be completely satisfied, if you know
what I mean. It takes a little more for me.
I like to be aroused, mentally complimented, made to feel
special or connected. I don't need much but intimate conversations,
and I'm a but it's hard for my husband to
understand that, understand what I mean because he is a

(01:00:04):
straight to the point, physical type of god. It's hard
for me to ask for what I want because I'm
afraid he isn't capable of giving it to me and
what would that mean for our marriage. There's also the
issue of what he is packing is nowhere near what
I'm used to from previous relationships. I try to stick
to the motion in the ocean, but the side of
the boat would help. Josh, stupid, don't you think? How

(01:00:29):
do I tell my husband that what I require may
be something he isn't capable of performing?

Speaker 3 (01:00:34):
Jeez?

Speaker 1 (01:00:34):
Sex is important, but it isn't everything. However, I would
like to find ways for me to be satisfied as well.

Speaker 3 (01:00:41):
Help please.

Speaker 2 (01:00:43):
Oh, that's a tough one because one of those things
you can't control, you know, like you can't You can
probably have the conversation with what you require in terms
of foreplay and stuff like that to get you aroused.
So though you are afraid of him not being capable
of giving you what you need, at least that's the
easier conversation. I think to have and something that's fixable,
whereas something like penis size that it's just it is

(01:01:06):
what it is, right.

Speaker 1 (01:01:07):
But I do think that my first question would be
if you knew that from the beginning, why go through
with everything? If you knew you wasn't satisfied? That would
be my first question.

Speaker 4 (01:01:20):
Sex isn't everything, but she thought what it is though.

Speaker 1 (01:01:23):
This is the thing people like to say. Sex isn't everything.
But sex does cure and heal so many different things
in a relationship. And I'm not just talking about orgasm.
Intimacy comes. Oxytocin comes from that physical connection. She's not
getting the oxytocin and the physical connection she can get
she needs from sex, So it's probably affecting her and
everything else in her life.

Speaker 4 (01:01:42):
Oh for sure.

Speaker 1 (01:01:42):
So sex is important. You know, sex was created for
us to become close, for a reason. For us to
try to make it seem like it's not that important
is a lie. And that's why when men are complaining
about sex and women say things like, well, sex isn't important,
that's not true.

Speaker 2 (01:01:56):
Right, And here we have a woman who's saying that
she's not satisfy, and.

Speaker 1 (01:02:00):
I don't think it's fair for her to even try
to convince herself that says that she's not that no
sex is important to everyone.

Speaker 3 (01:02:07):
It's important to everyone.

Speaker 1 (01:02:09):
What I will say is, since you can't change his equipment,
you can try using toys and see if that helps.
But what I will say is, if you want to
spend the rest of your life with this man, you
have to have these conversations with him up front, honestly,
and he has to be willing to accept how you feel,
and you have to be willing to accept how what

(01:02:29):
you say may make him feel a.

Speaker 2 (01:02:30):
Way, right, I was about to say it might be
an ego hit to him to feel like, oh, I'm
not satisfying my wife, Like.

Speaker 3 (01:02:36):
What do you mean?

Speaker 2 (01:02:37):
And he may also be oblivious to it, you know,
if you haven't had the conversation with him to let
him know, like babe, I require a little bit more
asking those investigative questions, maybe asking him babe, is there
anything more that I can do for you to to
kind of like loosen up the atmosphere? Deval And I've
had these conversations over and over and over again, yes,
about what can be needed, what's needed in that moment,

(01:02:59):
what can try what's you know, a green light? What
used to be a red light might be a yellow
light now, you know, there's so many things that can
come up in those kind of conversations. So yes, handling
it and presenting it to him in a way that
is delicate enough where he doesn't necessarily take the ego hit,
but then wanting to be honest because you deserve to

(01:03:19):
be honest to get the things that you want.

Speaker 3 (01:03:21):
I will say this too. He may be a little
guilty of this. She said it here.

Speaker 4 (01:03:26):
What's that.

Speaker 1 (01:03:27):
I've been married to my husband for two years, but
we've been together for seven. The sex has never been
mind blowing, but it's been enough to sustain in our relationship.
If it was enough before, it could be a little
bit of complacency where he's like, well, I'm married now
two years. All I got to do is just do
this and we good.

Speaker 4 (01:03:41):
Very true.

Speaker 1 (01:03:42):
She should have the conversation like the complacency or whatever
what's sustaining us is no longer here, Right, We're gonna
have to do some things. And the truth is, in
every relationship, when it comes to intimacy, there comes a
point where that happens, and it's not something that ever
stops like.

Speaker 2 (01:03:57):
Talk about fantasies and talk about the things that she
would want to try, and you know, if it's not
something that you can help, like involving other people with
like toys, like de Vall said, those are things that
we've used over the course of our marriage to be
like a different that we could try that's a little different,
that will also help.

Speaker 1 (01:04:17):
We want what if she you know, what if she
dressed up like There's so many things you can do
with intimacy to kind of spark something different. We talked
in an earlier relations or earlier podcasts about casual sex. Yes,
you know what I'm saying. Let it be some casual sex.
Maybe y'all go out on the date. You wear something
super skimpy that he's never seen you in. That might
get him a little bit more aroused. But then you
four play and tease him. So now you put you

(01:04:38):
tell him let me try something. You sit him down
in the chair, tie his legs up, tie his hands up,
and you tease him to the point where you aroused
and you play with him. And now he can't come
because you're not going to allow it to get to
that point. That four player that tease may help you,
and then once you get to your point out, it's like, Okay,
I'm gonna let him deliver, but I'm gonna get mines.
You know what I'm saying, Like, there's so many different

(01:04:59):
ways that you can make sex creative and fun, but
the conversation has.

Speaker 4 (01:05:03):
To be had and ultimately says you kind of knew
what you were getting into.

Speaker 1 (01:05:07):
Yeah, you know what she did, but if he got
complacent and stopped doing something.

Speaker 2 (01:05:11):
The fiest part because she said she had some people
in the past who maybe doesn't measure up or he
doesn't measure up to.

Speaker 4 (01:05:17):
But it's just like, you know.

Speaker 3 (01:05:20):
Enough for nothing. This is a good thing.

Speaker 1 (01:05:21):
I'm going to close the year out on. It's my
moment in truth. Ladies. Sex is important to y'all too.
Stop acting like it's not for whatever reason that you
want to make it seem like it's not important. Sex
is important and should be important to women as well.
This whole taboo mindset that a woman is supposed to
just enjoy whatever type of sex that her man provides.

Speaker 3 (01:05:41):
It's not really.

Speaker 2 (01:05:44):
Shouldn't just enjoy whatever woman provides, or if it's a
woman and a woman or a man and a man whatever,
who doesn't matter, whatever the makeup is. One person in
the relationship shouldn't have to always be the one.

Speaker 4 (01:05:56):
Right to suffer sounds like a bad word, but suffer
is that what it is?

Speaker 3 (01:06:01):
Because if we're asking our partner to only be.

Speaker 4 (01:06:03):
With us, it is a deficit.

Speaker 3 (01:06:05):
Is avoid suffer.

Speaker 1 (01:06:07):
If you had a deficit, you suffering, like we're not
changing that.

Speaker 3 (01:06:11):
It is. My responsibility, is your husband.

Speaker 1 (01:06:14):
If I'm asking you to no longer be with anybody
else or share your intimate space with anybody else, it's
my responsibility to make sure that you are yes, fill
you up and be satisfied and vice versa. Right, And
that's that's my moment of truth for everybody. Love your partner,
fill them up, don't don't fall.

Speaker 3 (01:06:33):
Into the world. She got to accept what he got
to accept what I'm giving.

Speaker 1 (01:06:36):
And no, no, work your hardest to be everything your
partner these because you chose them. If you don't want
to work hard to be with your partner these, then
you should have chose somebody.

Speaker 2 (01:06:45):
Service based industry guys. As we told y'all, that's how
this marriage relationship stuff works. Some really good listener letters
shout out to y'all for writing in.

Speaker 4 (01:06:57):
Shout out to Triple for putting this together for us.

Speaker 2 (01:07:00):
Yeah, moment of truth for the Well before we get
to the moment of truth, we'll be back.

Speaker 4 (01:07:06):
In twenty twenty five.

Speaker 2 (01:07:08):
Yes, with Dead Ass podcasts, more stuff, new stuff, different
things that we might try a day with k baby,
you know way there is.

Speaker 1 (01:07:18):
Going to be changes, but still more of the same.
You're gonna hear our voices every Wednesday. Yes, we're gonna
be making y'all laugh, but also making y'all think and
loving up on each other.

Speaker 4 (01:07:27):
And absolutely talking about alongside.

Speaker 3 (01:07:31):
Y'all do that. But we're gonna add some things though.

Speaker 2 (01:07:33):
Y and if you want to be featured as a
future listener letter, continue to write in. Just because you
know the year is over. We may go into a
little two week break or whatever it looks like for us,
still write in. We're still gonna be checking the email
Dead Ass Advice at gmail dot com.

Speaker 3 (01:07:46):
That's d E A D A S S A D
V I C E at gmail dot com.

Speaker 2 (01:07:51):
All right, moment of truth time. Well, you're specific about sex.

Speaker 1 (01:07:56):
I guess my mind wasn't specific about sex, but about
just being there for your partner.

Speaker 3 (01:08:00):
Service based industry.

Speaker 1 (01:08:02):
Continue to love on your partner, yes, fill them up, yes,
you know what I'm saying. And also feel them up,
you know, like they hold them, hug them like this.
This year, let's be a lot more affectionately to personal.
Let's do that.

Speaker 4 (01:08:15):
I think that can be a goal for everybody.

Speaker 2 (01:08:17):
Like, let's be a lot more into personal and not
so much digital digital.

Speaker 3 (01:08:21):
Let's get out there.

Speaker 4 (01:08:22):
You know I would love that.

Speaker 2 (01:08:24):
And also, guys, I think I say this at the
end of every Listing Letter episode because you guys take
time to write in and love on us. I just
have to thank you again for another successful podcast year season.
Dead Ass listeners shout out to our Patreon gang for really.

Speaker 4 (01:08:42):
Really just loving on us.

Speaker 2 (01:08:43):
We really hold you guys at a high regard because
we don't take for granted that we're in a world
where things are crazy and it's hard to make a dollar.
But you guys are investing in us, and you are
supporting us, and you're loving on us, and we thank
you guys so much for that. So much more to
come for the Ellis's so much more to come from
Deval and Kadeen and the collective, the family. We're just

(01:09:06):
really excited to end the year off with you guys,
and continue to spread the word about dead Ass Podcast, y'all.
I know we're fifteen seasons in it, but there will
be more. So if you have a friend, a family
member that can use an episode, that could listen to
something and gain something from dead Ass Podcast, please be
sure to share. Be sure to find us on Patreon
if you have not yet to see exclusive dead Ass

(01:09:27):
Podcast video content as well as Ellis Family content, and
you can find us on social media to keep up
to date with what's happening at dead Ass the podcast.
You can find me at Kadeen I Am and I
Am Deval and.

Speaker 1 (01:09:38):
If you're listening on Apple Podcasts, be sure to wait
if you subscribe, and also pick up your copy of
We Over Me, The Contraintuitive Approach to getting Everything you want.

Speaker 4 (01:09:47):
Yes, your relationship is the season, y'all. Y'all can still
keep giving.

Speaker 2 (01:09:51):
And it's still cold outside, baby, so grab you hoodies,
dead Ass merch, Drip, drip, Marry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, happiness,
all that goodness, y'all.

Speaker 4 (01:10:02):
We love you. See you in twenty twenty five, y'all.

Speaker 5 (01:10:08):
Got dead Ass is a production of iHeartMedia podcast Network
and its produced by Donor Pinya and Triple.

Speaker 1 (01:10:16):
Follow the podcast on social media at dead Ass the
Podcast and Never miss a Thing