Nail Polish or Nah?

Styles change for every generation. The things certain styles used to mean to our generation, don't carry the same weight to our kids' generation. In this episode, Khadeen & Devale express how they address their fears when it comes to their kids' changing styles, while still trying to understand their perspective on trends, personal style and expression. Dead Ass.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
The intersection between fashion and sexuality cannot be convoluted.

Speaker 2 (00:10):
Dead ass. I just want to know if legans are
ever going to go out of style, because I'm not
trying to give them up ever. In life.

Speaker 1 (00:15):
You don't ever have to. They will never go out
of style for you. You get all the zebra and cheat
the leggings you want, baby, dead ass.

Speaker 2 (00:25):
Hey, I'm Kadeen and I'm Devoured and we're the Ellis's.

Speaker 1 (00:29):
You may know us from posting funny videos.

Speaker 2 (00:31):
With our boys and reading each other publicly as a
form of therapy.

Speaker 1 (00:36):
Wait, I make you need therapy most days. Wow.

Speaker 2 (00:39):
Oh, and one more important thing to mention, we're married.

Speaker 1 (00:42):
Yes, sir, we are. We created this podcast to open
dialogue about some of Li's most taboo topics, things most
folks don't want to talk about through the lens of
a millennial married couple. Dead ass is a term that
we say every day. So when we say dead ass,
we're actually saying facts one hundred the truth, the whole truth,
and nothing but the truth. We about to take Billows

(01:03):
off to our whole new level.

Speaker 2 (01:06):
Dead ass starts right now.

Speaker 1 (01:10):
Story time. Okay, I'm gonna take y'all back to nineteen
oh wow, Oh no, right, oh wow, don't say it
like that. Nineteen ninety eight. It was my eighth grade year,
was getting ready to be freshman in high school. I

(01:32):
was fifteen, okay, all of my friends had their ears
pierced already, so I was like, yo, I want to
get my earpiss when I turned fourteen. You know what
I'm saying. It's like pops man. You know everybody got
the earpiss. Can I get my ear piss? He said
absolutely not. I was just like, why can't get my

(01:55):
air piers? You know you told me you're not a girl.
Girls get their ears pierced m hm. And I was like, yeah,
but my friends get their eggs piars. He was like,
do I like your little friends? Do? I? Like, I
don't want to hear anything about your little friends, not scoop.

Speaker 2 (02:09):
I thought it was a mom saying I ain't no
school pitches.

Speaker 1 (02:11):
School because school was not having it. And he was
just like, yo, yo, so stay with your friends then
if you want to. I was like, no, no, no
for school. Yeah, your friends pay your bills. And I
was just like, but what's the big deal? And he
was like, do I got earrings? Your mother got earrings.
And I remember saying to him, I say, yeah, but
you used to wear them little short ass shorts, them

(02:34):
little hot pants, and Mammy used to wear those two.

Speaker 2 (02:38):
First of all, when did your father ever hit fit
hot pants?

Speaker 1 (02:41):
I got pictures. I got pictures of them on the beach,
picture them on him and my mother and my mother.
My father got on these red them shorts. Couldn't been
no longer than.

Speaker 2 (02:49):
This, okay, but he had been way younger, because not
not recently.

Speaker 1 (02:53):
I mean, why would mom want my father have on
hot pants in twenty twenty? Said, I don't know history recently.
That's what gave me the image. So I had to
be clear. The pants would have to be extra hot.
They would have to be like furnace pants.

Speaker 2 (03:07):
Oh my gosh, super fire pants was his reply.

Speaker 1 (03:11):
No. So his reply was what I used to do
back in the day don't matter now? And I was
just like, how does it not matter now? He says,
you're my son, and you're gonna dress like a man.

Speaker 2 (03:22):
Pretty much, do as I say, not as I did.

Speaker 1 (03:24):
Facts, And it led me to think about something we're
gonna talk about today.

Speaker 2 (03:28):
And if I probably went ahead and pierced his ears
anyway both.

Speaker 1 (03:33):
And got in trouble. So on brand for you karaoke time.
I'm dedicating this karaoke to my father's my father's generation.

Speaker 2 (03:44):
Yes, when you came up with this song, I was like, oh,
this is perfect. This is on one of my players.
This is my oldiest playlists. Yeah, I will this song
gets gainst that work when I be in a car
by myself. Yeah, yeah, we should add it to our
date night playlist.

Speaker 1 (03:57):
We can. I'll fuck with it because this song is
from one of my for TV shows. And when I
start this first part, you'all gonna know mm hmm. You know.
I think back to when we met, the way I
used to be, in the cold way I used to act.
But more than that, I think about how you changed

(04:17):
me with all your love and sensitivity. And you remember
when I used to love leave that you used to
what what? That's what I used to do and you
also do what now? Use and abuse? But then, baby,

(04:44):
what'd you do? I don't know what I did? What's
the rest of the words be fol passion period. Shout
out to my man Rick James. Shout out to James and.

Speaker 2 (05:01):
Tina Mann' forget your guarantee the Marino.

Speaker 1 (05:05):
I'm going to come back to that song. Mm hmmm
when we pay these bills, and we'll come back to
why I talked. Yes, I picked this song because I
almost got into big trouble. Oh man, I had said
to my father what I'm about to say to y'all.
What I said, y'all gonna be like was a lunatic.

Speaker 2 (05:23):
Oh no, your parents didn't pulverize you every day of life.

Speaker 1 (05:27):
It was rough. I can eighteen years I was in
the house the minute I was going.

Speaker 2 (05:33):
They neither for the fact that they come to our house,
and that was crazy to me.

Speaker 1 (05:37):
They just want to inflict the same wounds. They want
to make sure that my kids are doing to me
what I did to them. That's really what it is.

Speaker 2 (05:43):
Yeah, probably that's they're accurate. All right, let's go pay
some bills and we're going to get back with more
on this topic today. Stick around.

Speaker 1 (05:54):
So mm hmm. Let's talk about this, man.

Speaker 2 (05:58):
Let's talk about it.

Speaker 1 (05:59):
So it's funny.

Speaker 2 (06:00):
Came out thinking of Rick James when we were thinking
of a karaoke song, and I thought of Prince.

Speaker 1 (06:04):
Oh see you. I wasn't thinking about Rick James. It
was trible and Matt who told me Rick James, I
was thinking about I turna because just to go back
to the story, this was during the nineties, and during
the nineties fashion was different. We wore super big clothes.
Everybody was sagging like it was a big deal. People.
I had corn rolls. I was trying to grow corn rolls.
And then my mother was like, you can't braide your

(06:25):
head to go to church. It was like a big
thing with fashion, right, So there were two reasons why
my dad never wanted me to dress like everyone else, right.
He said, Number one, I never want you to perpetuate
a drug gang or prison culture. Yeah. I was like,
what you mean. He was like, well, first of all,
when it comes to gang in prison culture, right, they

(06:47):
sagged their clothing gangs like, they sagged their clothing gangs,
and they sagged, and they wear big clothes to let
people see their butt, to let other men know in
prison that they were into that. I was like, at
the time I was thirteen, I had no idea what
that was about prison culture and gang culture was. So
he was like, that's why I don't want you to
wear that. When it comes to being having braids, it's
the same thing. Right, they wear brains in prison, and

(07:08):
I don't want them looking at you like you're a
gang member, or you have braids, or you have your
ear rings and they I don't want them to think
that you are like everybody else. That was my my
dad is my dad's biggest thing. My dad's biggest thing
was like, I don't want my sons to walk around
and to be I don't want anyone to wear stereotype
of who they are, because I know how hard it
is for young blacklyn nineties.

Speaker 2 (07:31):
The worst thing you could have said to your father
was everybody ears. So then that's completely Oh, I wish
one of our boys walking with what everybody else is doing.

Speaker 1 (07:39):
Let me tell you something. But when I the minute
I said it, but everybody, I didn't even want to
finish it because I saw my father's face. And then
my mother was not even entertaining it at all. Right,
I'm like, you can't tell me everybody doing it, like
I'm gonna feel guilty. But then when I actually listened
to my parents, I was understanding where they were saying
about culture. Right. The thing that bothers me though, was

(08:01):
my father was just like y'all, you don't think you soft?
You walking around with your butt hanging out? You got
arrings on, and I said, bro me, So I said,
did you not. Let's let's look at your pictures.

Speaker 2 (08:13):
Right.

Speaker 1 (08:13):
My aunt Debbie used to keep a bunch of pictures.
I had a picture in mind, particularly because my uncle
Lee had a Jerry curl.

Speaker 2 (08:20):
So let me guess you went all the way over
to Andavie's house to get the picture.

Speaker 1 (08:23):
Yeah. I went there and I got the picture and
I brought it back home. And my father had on
short hot pants. In the nineties, if you wore short
hot pants, you were considered gay. I was wearing bo
to right as on the beach, I'm talking about hi, yes, hi,
And then this is my father says. Back then it
was different. It was all about the print. Well, about

(08:45):
the print. You have to show your print, yes, And
I was just like, wait a minute, so you can
tell me that if I'm sagging my pants and I'm
trying to do this, it's it's giving the wrong message.
But y'all could walk around with eyeliner on Jerry curls,
your chest stout right, because my uncle Lee had on
a fish neck tank top he played the the Bongoals.

(09:07):
He had a fish neck tank top with short puma
in real life or no, no, no, this was in
real life because in the seventies that's what they dressed like.
Because all of the men dressed like Rick James, Prince,
Ike Turner and Michael Jackson. And I said, it's funny
that you're gonna tell me I don't dress manly because
I have braids and I have earrings. But look at

(09:30):
how y'all dressed.

Speaker 2 (09:31):
That is true. The bottom, baby, You see what I'm saying,
fitted with no but because my father got no but
so with man fitted tight.

Speaker 1 (09:39):
You see what I'm saying, bottoms and platform shoes, plat heels.
No no, no, no, it was heels. There's a picture
of Rick James on if you look up the Fire
and Desire picture. Rick James has on full fledged makeup,
beads in the front of his bang, his hair comes down,
his chest is out, he has on thigh high boots
with a heel, and was fucking everybody. Bitch. You know

(10:01):
what I'm saying. And the reason why I say that
is because I want to I want to create I
want to create that context for what I'm about to
say next, because so many men are asking me, because
I have four boys, Deval, would you let your sons
wear nail polish?

Speaker 2 (10:15):
Nail polish or not trend?

Speaker 1 (10:17):
The trend is nail polished enough. I've seen the trend
and my answer is always no. And people say, why
you're homophobic? And I said, you know why, if I,
as a parent, yeah, if I, as a parent don't
want my children to wear something, why does it have
to be labeled a phobia?

Speaker 2 (10:35):
Right?

Speaker 1 (10:35):
And I said, to be honest, the first thing I
thought of when I saw the black nail polish on
these young men, because there are more basketball players, weren't
I think, Kate Cunningham. Where is it? There's a young
man on the was drafted first overall pick. I can't
remember his name, and he he Caleb Williams. There you go,
thank you man, Kayleb william paints his nails right. And

(10:58):
I think Jayden Daniels paints his nails or Jaden is
Matt Jaden Williams in the NBA. But Jalen Green, Jalen
Green painting his nails right, And they were just like yo.
But these athletes, they're doing it. And I said, Okay,
hold on, these athletes are also getting tattoos. They also
have several baby mothers. So your reasoning for me allowing
my kids to do it, to say an athlete is
doing it's never going to work for me. But when

(11:20):
I first thought about black nail polished, I didn't even
think homosexuality. You know what I thought, right, goth?

Speaker 2 (11:27):
Oh growing up, that was definitely face. So when I
was in midwo high school, there was actually a group,
like several groups that were into that particular attire, and
it felt like Halloween every day of the year. But
that's just how they dress, yes, and it was you
dont think about it. And guys also had their their
fingernails pointed painted as well.

Speaker 1 (11:46):
They called them the trench coat Mafiah because they were goth.
They had the big black boots. So it's like everything
you're seeing now, we've seen it already, right, it's just
coming back in different arenas.

Speaker 2 (11:59):
When I saw the polish initially on like the athletes
and stuff, I thought maybe it was something you know,
when athletes are teams, like for example, breast cancer month,
everyone wears pink socks, so I thought maybe they were
doing this as like a thing in solidarity for something,
or it was just another way to extend the uniform,
so you know, you're wearing colors or something like that.
So that wasn't even the first thing that came to

(12:20):
mind either, when we were probably two of the most
non homophotos people ever.

Speaker 1 (12:23):
But that's why having this conversation is important, because when
people asked me about it and I said no, the
first thing they said it was why are you homophobic?
And I was like, how do we get there?

Speaker 2 (12:30):
How did we get there?

Speaker 1 (12:31):
That's not the first thing I thought of When I
saw Caleb Williams nails. He had the picture I say,
had on black nails, and I was like, nah, I'm.

Speaker 2 (12:37):
Because not all trends like that are related to a
particular sexuality either.

Speaker 1 (12:41):
And that's what I wanted to talk about because I
wanted to bring up what's his name? I wanted to
bring up Prince and I wanted to bring up Ike
Turner and Michael Jackson and like we just sang his
song Rick Jane Ri Jaina. I wanted to bring it
up because if those men existed today, everyone would be
saying that Rick James was gay. I dare you leave

(13:03):
your woman around Rick James, I dare you, Rick James,
slapped the ship out of you and fuck your bitch
at you know what I'm saying, because that in his time,
being manly wasn't defined by wearing, and I want people
to realize that that we are still in that same space. Literally,
just because you've put different labels on what is now

(13:26):
considered fashion doesn't mean.

Speaker 2 (13:27):
Everybody agrees to male or female because as we know,
like that literally does not correlate to anything but just
trends in general. I think it's important for us as
parents to stay up on right, Yes, because trends are.

Speaker 1 (13:38):
Going to come and go.

Speaker 2 (13:39):
This nail polished era in a year or two maybe
a thing of the past. But how important is it
for us as parents to just keep on keep up
to date with all the trends?

Speaker 1 (13:49):
You know? But what you just said is why I
wouldn't let my sons do it. Because there was some
trends that I wanted to participate in when I was
a kid and my parents said no, I couldn't do them.
And then now when I look back at the pictures
of my friends in them trends, and I'd be like,
I'm glad my parents didn't, you know what I'm saying.

Speaker 2 (14:08):
I think the biggest thing that I wasn't a very
trendy kid. I think that's also too because it took
a while for me to come into my own. I
went to a elementary school that went from nursery school
to eighth grade, so I wore uniforms forever, it felt like,
until I was into eighth grade, and then by high school,
I finally was able to wear street clothes, and that's
what we called it, you know, street clothes at the time,

(14:29):
And then I was still trying to figure out how
to dress, what to wear, what girls were wearing. So
I really didn't really I probably would have been the
person to drump on trends more because I would have
been easily influenced by everybody around me. But I was
never the easily influenced kids, so I just figure things
out on my own. The biggest thing I think for
me that I wanted to do as a kid that
my parents were like absolutely not was a second hole

(14:50):
in my ear, And to me, I thought that was
so low impact, and my mom and dad were like
so against it, like perising up yourself. I'm like Georgetol
y'all pierced me without me, without no I was literally
you know what happened. My father was babysitting me one day.
I was not babysitting because he's my father, but I
was with my father one day and my mom had
gone to I think she was finishing up nursing school,

(15:10):
and I was about three months old, and he just
happened to take me to the mall for a walk.
And as he was strolling around the mall, he passed
the piercing booth and just looked over and decided to
pierce my ears pissed, and I came home with pierced airs,
and he thought it was the best thing that he
had done. That she was going to be so surprised
and happy, and of course she sobbed, much like when
you cut Jackson's here for the first time that.

Speaker 1 (15:31):
I was not allowed to do anything with their kids
because they gonna sob. But parents, Mom's coming here all
the time, were doing all these I thought you would
like it, and we're supposed to just be like, Okay,
I guess that's okay. That's how we say it. That's
exactly how y'all said. Because I cut Jackson's here, and
she sobbed. She then went and cut the coldest here
without asking me and was like, I didn't think it
would be that big a deal.

Speaker 2 (15:51):
I literally gave it. I thought it was a trim,
and his hair shrunk back down and I was like,
oh shit, it's a little shorter.

Speaker 1 (15:58):
It's a little shorter. This woman, this woman specifically told
me never to cut any of her kids hair again
without her permission, and then she went and did the
same exact thing to me.

Speaker 2 (16:08):
Well, give the context around it. Cody was starting school
and his hair was really long, but it was also
breaking at the ends, so I had, you know, come
to cut his ends, and his hair was damaged, so
she had to get rid of the damage ends. And
it was Yes, it did come out a.

Speaker 1 (16:19):
Little short cut Jackson's here too.

Speaker 2 (16:22):
Jackson's hair was not damaged the same way the same way.

Speaker 1 (16:25):
You don't care. I don't care the same way you
don't care. I don't care.

Speaker 2 (16:28):
We're not gonna do this like the whole ultimatus thing
and go back and forth.

Speaker 1 (16:31):
I don't care. That's fine.

Speaker 2 (16:32):
I don't either. Saying that to say, my father went
and pierced my ears. So my mother was just like,
oh my god, you pierced her ears. So I'm like,
y'all pierced my ears as a baby. But because I'm
asking to consent to a piercing for myself, they said no, yes,
and I just didn't do it. But you paiced your
ears anyway, didn't you.

Speaker 1 (16:49):
I got both of them, piers, I got you got
both at one time. No, Well, they told me that
I can get because I argued them down and I
made pints. And this is this is why bait team captain, captain,
this is why I was able to get one. I
brought up to my dad. I said, you know what's
funny to me. You talk about all the fashions that

(17:10):
I can't wear it because you don't think that it's manly, right,
But I just want to point out all the things
that you did. And I took the pictures over and
I said, so you wouldn't let me dress like this,
but you dressed like it. And my father had to
sit back and be like, you know what, he's right.
And that's why I think it's important because my father
wasn't a tyrant and neither was my mom, and they
also weren't closed minded. And when I pointed out to

(17:31):
them that the same things that they thought were feminine
with my clothes sagging my pants or getting an earring
or having braids. When I pointed out that there are
a lot of things that could be considered feminine about
your outfits when you were growing up in the seventies,
my dad looked at me and was just like, you
know what, that's fair. So at fourteen, because I could
articulate myself, he told me, I get my ear pierced.

(17:52):
I got one ear pierced, and I was cool. Then
when I turned sixteen, I asked if I get the
other one, and they said no, So I did it anyway.

Speaker 2 (18:02):
At that point, you already had the countdown time where
you're like, I only got only two more years in
this house, but you have to tough it out. Did
they make you take it out?

Speaker 1 (18:11):
I had to take both of them out, and I
couldn't wear ear rings around them anymore. So if you
look at my pictures from sixteen to eighteen, you'll never
see me with ear rings in front of my parents
because you have to repair some. But no, you I
used to do what kids did. I leave the house
with no earrings on, and I have my earrings in
my pocket, which my parents knew who who. I found

(18:31):
out later on that they knew, they knew, but they still,
you know, were allowing me to express myself. And that
to me is because now I don't even wear my
earrings that often. I only wear it when I go
to do press and stuff. But I say that to
say this, man, we have to stop in this generation
labeling these kids because they're doing something that we don't understand.
How about we as parents try to understand where they're
coming from, understand what it is. Not that you have

(18:54):
to agree with it, because I still will not let
my sons paint their nails.

Speaker 2 (18:58):
But I think there is value, like you said, in
giving your children the space and the latitude to express
how they feel. And this is a good exercise in
teaching your children how to advocate for themselves, how to
gather their facts, how to be an individual, how to
also tell me what tell not tell me what your
little friends are doing or whateverone is doing, but tell

(19:20):
me why this specifically will impact you. Why do you
need to do this, Why is this trend important to you?
You know, the one trend that the kids have going
on now that I can't stand that Jackson is done.
It seems like he's kind of falling into the hair.
But the here, I don't mind it be I love
Jackson's here. I think I have total curl envy. He
has the most beautiful here all of our boys do.

(19:41):
But it's the madding and the natural forming locks that
tend to happen because he doesn't want to detangle it.

Speaker 1 (19:49):
And a lot of the young men who I.

Speaker 2 (19:50):
See, even on his basketball team or at school, I'm
just like, y'all all got the same mattt here.

Speaker 1 (19:54):
Well here's the thing, though, right, you don't let him.
Matt is here, you wash and condition is here, but
here to do it. And this is what's unfair. Because
you won't let him matt his hair like everyone else.
No one's calling you homophobic. So it's also unfair if
a parent doesn't want to let their child fall into
every trend that we start to label parents because they

(20:15):
won't let their child do everything. I will be the
first to admit, my sons, you're not going to follow
every trend because to me, trends don't have no longevity.
If you say to me, Dad, I want to paint
my nails black because Jalen Green is doing it. Get
the fuck out my face, Jackson. Right, I'm not doing
that that. I want to paint my nails black. Why

(20:36):
I plan on painting them black? And then they will
five kids on our team whose moms have breast cancer.
We're gonna put all of those numbers on our nails,
and when we score, we're gonna put the fours up
to represent the moms. Jackson, go paint your nails, because
now it has purpose. You see what I'm saying. Now
there's a reason, Now there's a story. Now you can
eloquently articulate to people why your nails are painted, and

(20:58):
now it has meaning. Right, why do you have your
nails painted, Jacks? Because every time I score a touchdown,
I'm a represent for the four or five women on
our team who had to fight breast cancer. And I
want them to know that they seen. I'm supportive of that.
You see what I'm saying. And I think as people,
we have to start doing a better chance of explaining
to our children why we don't like trends, but then

(21:20):
asking them, if there is a trend you want to follow,
tell me why, and if you can explain to me
why the same way I explain to my dad about
the ear ring. I let them rock because my dad
let me get an earring. And then, of course I
took it too far two years later and I got
to but then he disciplined me, say you since since
you don't want to listen, now, you can't wear no
more ear rings around me. And I respected him for it.

(21:40):
After that, I was like, yo, my dad coming, I
can't like i'd be anywhere, and I belave you. My
dad comeing. I took my ear rings out, they check
your earrings Out'd be like, that's my pops. Don't play, Like,
don't play. And then he became a thing. My friends
used to take their earrings out and they was just like,
white earrings out your the vviotpops coming here. Don't fuck
with it. And those are the friends. We're doing it, yes,

(22:01):
candel I Lei Kava all of them. Like when I
got my earrings and I got in trouble for getting
in peers because they talked me into it. They were like, yo,
you're sixteen, Like what he gonna do? So I did it?
What he gonna do?

Speaker 2 (22:12):
Yeah, it was that's a surefire away as a child
if you're if your friend hit you with the what
he gonna do or what she gonna do referring to
he she is your mother and father.

Speaker 1 (22:23):
Baby. Yeah, yeah, it was like now that I reflected
on it, like I could have not been here, y'all,
Like my parents really don't play. That. They don't play.

Speaker 2 (22:30):
That they could have didn't play that that's mine never
really let me tell you know, you see it to
this day.

Speaker 1 (22:34):
Your mother don't play.

Speaker 2 (22:35):
She don't play not one game themselves. There was no
trend that was worth my life hearing her mouse.

Speaker 1 (22:40):
But this is a difference between your mother and my mother.
Your mother, well, no, your mother grew up in the
country too. My brother grew up in the projects. If
I would have came home and didn't respect my mom,
my mother would have chopped both my ears off. She
would have chopped them off. So you're like like earrings,
like earrings. You can't give me your chop my ears off.
And it made me walk around with them like this.
You know what I'm saying, Like that's what our parents,
you should do.

Speaker 2 (23:00):
But I do.

Speaker 1 (23:02):
I do appreciate the dialogue people are having online about
this topic, which is why I felt it was important
for us to talk about it. Right, Why is it
bothering so many people that young men want to get
their nails painted?

Speaker 2 (23:14):
Right?

Speaker 1 (23:14):
The only reason why it's bothering people is because those
people who are bothered can't differentiate between fashion and sexuality,
and those people want to convolute young people doing something
fashionable with sexuality.

Speaker 2 (23:29):
And then label people who are in agreement with Yes,
you know, I'm sorry against homo because the track record
with nail polishes who typically where is it?

Speaker 1 (23:40):
Women? Women? But if we go back far enough, men
wore nail polish first, and if we go back to
the seventies, with those same group of men we talked about,
they wore nail polish, especially guitar players and this. And
I'm telling you, like, when the more research I've done
on these things, this trend is gonna come up again.

(24:00):
I'm not talking about the nail polish. Our sons are
going to have sons, right, and there's gonna be something
else there, and they're gonna be like, you can't do this,
that's gay. And then they're gonna be like, but dad,
you wore nail polish. And those kids are gonna be like,
oh yeah, but.

Speaker 2 (24:17):
Our boys won't even do that because they're so like,
they're so well versed and accustomed to being accepting. I
don't think they would do that today.

Speaker 1 (24:22):
No, they wouldn't the same way. I'm not doing it
with my sons, but the man friends though, or people there.
But I just say that to say, like this whole
idea of the ever changing evolution of fashion and how
certain things that used to fit certain society on societal
norms back then, certain demographics and demographics. As the evolves,

(24:43):
people like to keep it where they remember, which is
not the case.

Speaker 2 (24:48):
Oh man, that's my dad to my dad, will look
at Jackson and my brother. You don't want to do
more of a man, you know? And I'm like, Dad,
you had the ill come over back in the day
the borderline had a bob okay that joint father short
and dropped right below cut brought yep.

Speaker 1 (25:06):
He had the chest with the tack on me, the joint.

Speaker 2 (25:09):
With the bell bottoms in his thunderbird, with his platforms. Baby,
my father. The way he walked like he had a
song playing in his head, probably fire and desire.

Speaker 1 (25:18):
He still got the song playing in his head, sure,
due I don't know.

Speaker 2 (25:22):
Seventies like a mug if you let him. That is
a fact. Which of our four boys do you think
would want to be the most like on trend or
follow the most trends.

Speaker 1 (25:30):
I know which one the most on trend one or.

Speaker 2 (25:32):
Want to follow the trends.

Speaker 1 (25:34):
It would have to be between Jackson and Cairo.

Speaker 2 (25:37):
I think Cayro. He came to mind first so far.

Speaker 1 (25:40):
But only reason why I don't say Cairo was because
when we weren't in leather, Jackson seat leather jacket season
and Kyro wanted to wear that leather jacket for every
day for two years straight. When we told him it
wasn't the season for jackets, he looked at us like,
I don't care. So I don't think he's gonna follow trends.
Think about that.

Speaker 2 (25:57):
You're right, You're right, Yeah, that's.

Speaker 1 (25:59):
Jackson, I said more. No, I think Jackson's more because
Jackson is more like yo, this is cool, like like
Jackson cares about his appearance a lot like Cairo. But
Jackson is more like, let me see what my favorite
athlete is doing. You know what I'm saying. He got
the blonde tips because of Odell Beckham. Even with that, people,
are you gonna let your son get blonde tips and
I was like, yes, and it was like that's soft.

(26:20):
I was like, his favorite athlete that plays football does it.
And he told me he wanted to do it to
pay homage and do all this other stuff. And at
the time he was eight, and I'm like, so, you're
telling me that my son is gay because he got
blonde tips at eight? Kissed my ass. I'm not having
an argument with you, right, you know what I'm saying, Like,
people really be trying to find things, and here's the
truth from I got some friends growing up that they're

(26:43):
growing up were like some of the most masculine people
that I know, and now they're gay. I also have
friends we found out later had gay parents or a
gay parent who are now straight, which means that you
can't dictate how someone turns out based on what they wear.

Speaker 2 (27:03):
And then one has nothing to do with the other.
There's literally nothing. We have to stop shaming people for that.
You know, it's funny. Cazz I was just laughing to
myself at Kats don't give a fuck about nothing.

Speaker 1 (27:14):
He probably be the least trendy kid ever. Or if
he did jump on the trend, he would do it
and not give a fuck. Let me tell you what
is going to do, because I know, I know, I
know he's so much like going to wait till he's sixteen.
He's gonna find out the wildest trend that looks the
gayest right, and he's gonna do it just to fuck

(27:35):
with me and say, I want to see if my
dad is honest about this shitty be talking. I swear
he's going to do it. He's going he's going to
test me to see dad and just stay emotionally mature.
Not because it's not because he wanted to just to
troll me, just to troll me.

Speaker 2 (27:53):
The kid looked just like you act. He even has
an allergy just like the vel. I've never y'all total side,
but I've never had or seen a parent child duo
who are identical like the Valance Caz look like him,
act like him, walk like him, allergic.

Speaker 1 (28:15):
To the same ship, He's all the same stuff. It's
like crazy. Let me ask you a question, how would
I respond to cash trolling me? You would ignore it? Nope, Nope,
you know how I would. I would do the same thing.
I'd be like, Yo, that' shit tough, bro, Yo.

Speaker 2 (28:34):
If the if the trend was wearing false slashes like
women do. That would be like, okay, you remember them
times you put my la your lash, I'll put your
lashes on. Come put these lashes on.

Speaker 1 (28:43):
And I'd be like if I what are we doing?
Where did this come from? And I'm like, you see,
cads got lashes? All right, he's sucking with me, all right,
I gotta put these lashes on because he won't do
it just because he sees I'm doing it, because if
you didn't ignore him, then he probably go harder. Yeah,
but the person for nothing. This is just an example
of the fact that life is too short, guys. Life
is too short for us to be arguing and debating

(29:04):
over trivial stuff, especially with our kids. Yeah.

Speaker 2 (29:07):
You know what I'm saying a lot that our kids
are going to have to continue.

Speaker 1 (29:10):
To go through and nail polish. It's just not one
of them. So yeah, So to be people ask the
question would you let your sons with now? It depends,
It really really depends if they can if they can
give me a reason as to why it makes sense,
and I can rock with the reason ahead.

Speaker 2 (29:26):
Yeah, I think our general is a lot more willing
to you know, explore, tolerate, listen, to be open minded
to a lot more than But don't tell me.

Speaker 1 (29:36):
It's because someone else is doing it. If you tell
me that's the reason why, it's get out my face.

Speaker 2 (29:40):
That's a fact. When our nephew got his air pairs
and we said to Jackson, I just knew, like once
once he got his air pairs, know how close Jackson
him are? I was like, oh, he's Jackson gonna want
to get his airpairs now? And we asked them just
flat out like hey, you know touching just guys ears passed,
you know? Are you did you want to do yours?
So would you want to do your and Jackson's right now?

Speaker 1 (30:01):
Now? Did you say that? I don't think Jackson would
be the most trended in because he didn't follow. He
didn't follow Aiden.

Speaker 2 (30:06):
The only reason the reason I said Cairo was because
I think Cairo is the one, like, for example, game day,
he want to have on his sleeves and trad and
you know what I'm saying, like that's how it's part
of a swag, it's part of his persona when he's
on the field. So I was wondering if he would
be the one for me.

Speaker 1 (30:21):
I just, I just I don't want my kids to
ever tell me they're doing something because someone else. I
don't want my kids to be followers. And I started this.
I started to change their mindset a couple of years back.
I remember when Jackson, I think I told this story
in the podcast too. Jackson was getting ready to go
outside and play. We were in California, and I was like, yo,
you brush your teeth and he's like, oh, I didn't
brush my teeth. And I said, you see, you lost

(30:43):
side and girl's gonna call you. And then I thought
about it and I said, look at what I'm doing.
I am creating an indoctrination to where he's going to
do things because of how girls perceive him. Right, So
I said, I never want to do that. So I
cut myself on and I said, you know, if you
don't brush your teeth, you can get ginger vite. It's
your tea will fall out, it can cause a throat infection.
Like I started telling them reasons as to why he shouldn't,

(31:04):
and then he was just like, oh, okay, right. So
I said, I'm going to do the same thing with
everything else. Don't tell me that you're doing it because
someone else, give me a reason why you want to
do it, and if we can discuss it and talk
about it, then bad, then I'll let you rock with it.
But telling me because something no, that's not working.

Speaker 2 (31:21):
For me, that's so work it. So with the hair,
the hair, you know, my pet peeve. With the hair
thing that boys are doing now where the hair gets
all maddened and it looks discombobulated and dry and whatever,
that was an issue with us. So what I did
instead of saying, you look like all these little boys
that run around here with the hair out and taking
care of blah blah blah. I had a conversation with
him one Sunday and I was like, hey, you want

(31:41):
me to help you entangle your hair? And he was like, so,
I said, I can help you or I can give
you this stuff when you can do it yourself. And
he's like, I did it like a couple of days
ago that Jackson. First of all, you lying because there's
no way. I literally went like, went like this through
the root of the hair and I I could barely
even get to the root. So I said, listen, you

(32:03):
have an option, right, you can cut all your hair off.

Speaker 1 (32:08):
You can have waves.

Speaker 2 (32:12):
I said, you can cut your hair off because you've
done it before. You look fly with you know your
little fade and waves and Daddy do just like that? Great,
I said, Or you can keep your hair this length,
which I think it's beautiful.

Speaker 1 (32:23):
I love your hair.

Speaker 2 (32:24):
And I said, all it takes is a little TLC
if you really want to wear your hair like this.
This is how hair care starts like. It starts with you, conditioning, washing.
You know, he's not gonna wear a Bona as much
as I've asked him to wear one.

Speaker 1 (32:37):
We've reached a happy meeting. You will not wear Bonni okay,
so why can't they wear bondes. It's a trend now
we'll be wearing it through the airport. It's not a
trend I want to follow. Get my son a do
rag well do.

Speaker 2 (32:52):
But the happy medium that we've reached now he now
comes to me. Oh my Sunday, you said, once a week,
can you help me detangle my hair? So he'll sit,
we'll watch whatever Sunday game is on football, we'll do
tangle the hair, I'll condition it deep and then he'll
wash it out. And then I bought these satin scrunchies. Now,
So what I do is, I'll just have him put

(33:13):
his hair up into like a bun or like a ponytail,
and I'll put the satin scrunchy in it so it
doesn't get all matted while he sleeps Oh yeah, satin
pillow case is satin sheet. And then he'll take his
scrunchy out in the morning, you know, a little leaving
conditioners sprayed out, and then he goes. But the point
of the matter is that now I'm teaching how to
take pride in himself.

Speaker 1 (33:32):
And he's here now. The macho man dad in me
wants to be like, Nah, give him some regular cotton pillowcase,
and I want that. I want that that pillowcase count
to be low because he needs to be tough. You
got my son sleeping on satin sheets.

Speaker 2 (33:49):
Pillow case.

Speaker 1 (33:51):
Expansive with the satin scrunchy that you put in the
middle of his head. You know what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna let it rock right right.

Speaker 2 (34:01):
I just made some headway with him.

Speaker 1 (34:02):
I'm not gonna make it hot at all. But what
I'm saying is this is showing maturity because the val
A couple of years ago would have burned all of
that ship because in my eyes, that's making him soft.
And I'm not even talking about homosexuality. I'm just talking
about soft soft. So because this is toughness, I'm gonna
tell you I hate him. SATSD is what's right now.

(34:27):
It's no, it's not only PTSD from that. It's PTSD
from the fact that you're growing up in Brooklyn. Right,
if you had on a sat and ask match he's
right here. If somebody had on a satin do rag
or a satin scrunchy or do he would be a
victim on him. But this is my thing, right, this
is what you got to understand. When you make things

(34:49):
okay in private, they tend to make them okay publicly. Right.
For example, bonnets and pajamas and all that stuff was
okay privately for women, but now they wear them in
the airport, you know what I'm saying. And the first time,
the first time my son is going on a travel
AAU and he got on a bonnet, he got sat
in pillow cases and they making fun of him. I'm

(35:10):
be like, talk to your mother, because your mother got
you doing all of.

Speaker 2 (35:13):
That, right, he could tough it out and he could
wear you know, he could use brown paper bags.

Speaker 1 (35:18):
Let me let me I'm gonna be honest. Let me
tell you something. Let me tell you something about our son. No,
let me tell you some about our son. He is
so confident. If someone made fun of him for having
that satin thing and all that stuff.

Speaker 2 (35:32):
Jackson comebacks be kind of crazy.

Speaker 1 (35:34):
He would make them feel so bad and that they
would be like, I guess I'll get a satin one too,
like he like. He's also not affected by what people say,
because remember this kid then went through middle school with
glasses and braces, the two things when I was growing
up that you don't get.

Speaker 2 (35:54):
You do not.

Speaker 1 (35:55):
You rather have crooked, fucked up teeth, and you'd rather
be blind and a motherfucker walking around school eyes caught
like a pistol. Just can you see the value? You
rather go through both of those than get picked on
in middle school. I watched this confidence with embraces and
them glasses, and I care that. I don't think that
it matters if that's what we're trying to build. We're
trying to build individuals who really don't care. Yeah, I

(36:17):
got on the satin bond. It what you're gonna do
fight me, right, They won't them because we throw them
hands too. Like Jackson may have on a satin bond it,
but we got that bag down stairs and we be
on it, so I don't. I'm only joking with you
with the satin bond and stuff, but I mean, these
things really don't matter to me, Like it's hard for

(36:37):
me to understand, like why so many men get triggered
by it? Well, it was hard. I do understand now
why some men.

Speaker 2 (36:46):
Get triggered by Yeah, well think about younger devous. You
might have been triggered by some of these things younger,
but now mature devo at forty.

Speaker 1 (36:52):
Yeah, you know, a lot of it is me feeling
having the self esteem and confidence in myself that no
one can shake or rock me off of. How our
parent instilling that my sons so that no one can
shake or rock them off of their manlihood. It don't matter, okay,
Like this will never happen. But Jackson, you got on
the pink skirt. People making fun of you, all right,
fight them, make fun of them back, but be who

(37:13):
exactly who you are, like you, like, we are not
running from no smoke from nobody. It don't matter if
it's making fun of me for following a trend or
making fun of me for not following a trend. I
want to instill in my son's the type of confidence
where they can walk around and be individuals.

Speaker 2 (37:29):
And everything that we do now we really like we said,
like people be like y'all worried about what people have
to say. No, no, no, people always going to have
something to say.

Speaker 1 (37:37):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (37:37):
Yes, they're always going to have something to say yes,
So you might as well do what makes you happy
back and do what you want anyway back period fat
oh man.

Speaker 1 (37:47):
Fact, it's this fun episode. All right, y'all.

Speaker 2 (37:49):
Let's take a quick break, and we're going to move
into listen letters after we get into these ads, be
right back, all right, and we are back. You know
what's another trend that I'll be trying to stay up
on that I just realized. I'm like, shoot, I'm the

(38:10):
texting trend. Like all of the acronyms that they have now, I.

Speaker 1 (38:13):
Don't even know. Man. Jackson text me one day and
I was just like, bro, you butt dobed me. He
was like, nah, those are sentences. I was like this,
I asked him, I said, Jackson there's no vowels in
any of these sentences. And he was like, no, those
are acronyms. You got to learn them, I said, Jackson,
just call me. I'm not trying to decode this.

Speaker 2 (38:34):
Did I'm better if you send me a gift for
something so I can at least figure it out. You
always give me a context.

Speaker 1 (38:39):
Clue, hear me. You always want gifts. I mean, yeah too, But.

Speaker 2 (38:44):
Hey, let's get into this first listener letter of the episode. Hey, y'all,
the last episode or the latest episode rather not another
sex episode was a home run in my book.

Speaker 1 (38:54):
People see as much.

Speaker 2 (38:55):
As I figure out, y'all tired to talk about sex.

Speaker 1 (38:57):
Y'all love what we're talking about it. I told you
they because people be going through it and they want
to other people's perspective life, you know, and we telling
the truth. Niggas be going through it over here too,
Like shit.

Speaker 2 (39:10):
I am twenty eight years old and married with a
one year old. My husband and I have been married
for almost six years, and needless to say, and needless
to say, my husband and I have an emotional disconnect.

Speaker 1 (39:22):
Sorry to hear that.

Speaker 2 (39:23):
One of the things that stuck out to me was
when you guys spoke about the other person wanting to
be more affectionate than the other and how childhood or
their upbringing might have played a role in that. You
really hit the nail on that long story. Short After
having my baby and experiencing postpartum depression on top of
other emotional trauma in the relationship, I began to really
focus on myself because I was really going through it

(39:45):
and my husband was not there for me what I
believe was one of the hardest times of my life.
That of course turned me off from him, But seeing
him with our daughter now after explaining to him how
he has hurt me, really makes me want to get
our relationship back to where it was when we were
head over heels for each other. Because of the emotional

(40:05):
disconnect that I'm feeling, our sex life is suffering. I
feel like my husband is only worried about himself during sex.
Even before when we got to this point. Even before
we got to this point, I can remember having sex
because it was my duty as a wife, and sometimes
I literally would not even feel any pleasure, but because
he was enjoying it, I just laid there. It was

(40:27):
a little traumatizing for me because I began to ask myself,
what's wrong with me? Why do I not feel anything?
Then faking it became something I did on the regular.
But now if I don't feel like faking it, we
don't have sex. Oh okay, don't get me wrong. Sometimes
the sex is okay, But most of the time I
just lay there and fake it till I make it.

(40:48):
For him, it's the best thing in the world. So
I guess my question is how would I go about
letting my husband know that he doesn't please me without
hurting his ego? Thank you guys for being you, your
authenticities everything. Everybody worried about Sierras prayer, but we need
to know Kadeen's prayer. Much love to you both.

Speaker 1 (41:05):
Caneen's prayer was now I lay me down this sleep
I pray.

Speaker 2 (41:11):
So from a man's perspective, I guess, without hurting his ego,
what would that feel.

Speaker 1 (41:16):
Like for you? This is your life, partner, Fuck is ego?
Your ego got to be out the door at this point, right,
this is clearest day when it comes to sex and people. Right,
you as a woman, are asking him not to share
and sex with anybody else he wants him to. He
wants you to not share sex with anyone else, So
you have to be as present about the quantity. He

(41:41):
has to be as present about the quality, which means
if he wants sex more often, he should be asking
questions like, hey, babe, how do I make it more
enticing or enjoyable for you so that you want to
have it more. The reason why I said he should
do that is because I had to do that. All
men have had to do that, right. We grew up
at this mindset. We watch porn right bang bang bang
bang fast, fast, hard, hard, fast, fast. That's what we think,

(42:03):
because no one sits down with us as men and say, hey,
the same erogenous zones you have impounding for yourself doesn't
work with me as a woman. So a lot of
men go into sex thinking that the harder and the
faster and the longer I go, the more she's gonna
enjoy it. And what happens when you fake it? He
thinks he's doing it the right way, So in a way,

(42:24):
you can't blame him for not knowing what you don't
like because you've been faking things. No fuck is ego.
Tell him the truth. Say listen, babe, like you did
in college. Hey, slow down a little bit, all right,
you may have to warm this thing up here a
little bit, you know what I'm saying. I was like, Oh,
I didn't know. But the fact that I know that
you like that, let's get into that. You know what

(42:45):
I'm saying. It's not an ego thing. It's just it
may not fuck it his ego. It may be like, yes,
finally she's telling me some things that I know can work,
and I can, you know, spend my time. There was
a study that just came out that most men enjoy
when a woman orgasm more than having their own orgasm.
It do was on social media. Don't know where, but

(43:05):
that's focus group. That's my thing. You know, that's my thing.
But here's my thing. Even with those things, they never
asked me so who, but they asked me that one
thing that never I do know as a man making
my wife orgasm is like when you talk about you
want to boost his ego, you want to boost your
husband ego, say babe, I'm really I want to orgasm.

(43:27):
I think if you do this, and I can do
that and let him know that he actually helped you
make an orgasm, his ego going to be like this,
rather than seeing that, rather than thinking it's going to
shrink his ego by telling him the truth, let him know,
say something like, yo, babe, I'll be right there if
you focus on doing this in those moments when they
taking to.

Speaker 2 (43:44):
The next level, because in his mind they're already having
really great sex.

Speaker 1 (43:47):
Because she's doing she's being a kind, thoughtful wife by
being what he needs in the moment, even though it's
not for her. But she shouldn't have to live her
life like that.

Speaker 2 (43:57):
My advice to her, because I know that she has
a one year old is still being potentially in this
postpartum rock rut or trying to get out of it.
What I think all women should do post baby, whether
you've had one child or you've had four like me,
you need to learn your body post baby because a

(44:19):
lot of times the things that you enjoyed pre baby
you may not enjoy after the baby. Certain spots that
used to work before don't give the same reaction you Also,
sometimes to your libido can be a little messed up
when you are going through the postpartum phase, even a
year out. Not sure if you're on birth control, not
sure if you are breastfeeding, there's just so many different

(44:41):
things that play a part in that loss of that
intimacy and the loss of connection after a baby. So
the disconnect I think is something that I think maybe
ninety eight percent of people can relate to post baby,
whether it's the male or the female within the relationship
feeling that. So learn your body after that and it
maybe after having the conversation likedval suggested, it may be

(45:03):
worth it for you to then say, hey, babe, like,
let's work together to explore this new body of mind
and not trying to think about getting back to what
you used to enjoy but maybe seeing where what you're
enjoying now.

Speaker 1 (45:13):
Yeah, because it changes, because it does change.

Speaker 2 (45:16):
But having that open conversation, you know, we're always going
to be an advocate for that, you know what, especially
with your life partner.

Speaker 1 (45:22):
You know what I want to say, I think this
is very important for people to hear. We don't live
in a world where women get to explore sexually.

Speaker 2 (45:29):
Right, right, it was really encouraged.

Speaker 1 (45:31):
It's never encouraged. It's never right. You're supposed to be
virtuous and only have one partner, right, right, So if
you live in a world where women don't get a
chance to explore themselves sexually. Then we tell women when
you when you find a man, you have to make
sure that he is satisfied sexually. Right. So there's tons
of women who never get a chance to orgasm or
never get to focus on themselves. If more women told

(45:53):
their husbands right, hey, I've never orgast, No one ever
paid attention to me with sex or nothing. If you
have a good man, he will enjoy finding that out
because you know what, you know how it feels as
a man to know, like I can make my wife
do things that you would never you know what I'm saying,
Like she she gone that them told is gonna be curling,

(46:14):
She's gonna be screaming that, she's gonna be leaking. As
a man, that's what we take pride in. So if you,
as his wife, help him find those areas to do that,
it can help increase that that vulnerability, but also the
fund behind that, the discovery is Yeah, it's like, baby,
I never did this experien I was looking for that
person that I felt vulnerable with. I feel comfortable being

(46:35):
vulnerable with you. So we are like I want to
try this. Watch how much she be like for real
and he'd be like, all right, let's do it like that.
To me, I think if I had a daughter, I
would tell my daughter that. If I had a daughter
who's twenty something years old and she's like, Hey, Dad,
I just want to talk to you about sex, Like,
how do I I would be like, YO, find out
what you like. Find out a guy that you you

(46:56):
are comfortable with, that you trust, that you want to
build a life with. And then if you can trust him,
if you use discernment and you trust him and you
believe it's the person for the rest of your life,
tell him what you want to explore and do it
with him. This way, you don't got to feel like
I can't say it because he may not know how
to do it. He ain't gonna know how to do it.
He don't got a clatorus. You know what I'm saying.

(47:17):
No clatorus. It is not a claricist. You have to
clatorus it because that's the only way you pay attention.
Se cloricist gets left alone. Where's the clitoricist. That's why
niggas can't find it because claricists couldn't know. My God,
good luck to you.

Speaker 2 (47:35):
Use this a mess?

Speaker 1 (47:38):
Oh my God. Sometimes that's why I wish I had
a daughter, because I would be able to help.

Speaker 2 (47:43):
Help her navigate.

Speaker 1 (47:46):
Oh man, you share I know before, but I'm thinking
about the conversations like, gosh, I gotta have this conversation with.

Speaker 2 (47:53):
The kids, and well we may have daughters in law later.

Speaker 3 (47:56):
So and be prepared to have those conversations with your
daughters absolutely, you know, because I'm going to have them
conversations with my sons as a man, you.

Speaker 2 (48:08):
Know, like, this is what you gotta do, bro, I
want to have great relationships with them when they come along.
If that's what our boys want to do, so we'll.

Speaker 1 (48:16):
Say, I think you'd be good at Because we had
a friend who was this maybe a little bit too
much information, but I'm going to share it. We had
a friend our same age who was dating a young
lady and they kept saying, Okay, we're trying to she
want to squirk, trying to find a way to make
this squak. So Kay was telling him certain angles and

(48:37):
things to do with you know who I'm talking about,
and then it came to a point error where they
figured it out. Okay, Okay, she did it, she did it.
But the truth is I did what And I'm like, wait,
just now. And I didn't have to be the first

(48:57):
at the moment. You know what I'm saying, take a shot,
watch that you can't do something. But the reason why
I'm telling that story is because his excitement and getting
her to reach that made sex fun for them, as
opposed to her being like I'm just here and he's
not even trying.

Speaker 2 (49:11):
It was like a new feat for them that day.
I'm trying together, right And I was like, hey, i
mean try some things, see how it goes.

Speaker 1 (49:18):
And they were happy. Oh my god, that was fun.
That was hilarious. All right. Number two, Hey Davali Kadeen,
thanks you all or thank for all you guys do
to pour into our lives. We appreciate you, man, We
love you too. I twenty nine female, and my husband
twenty nine male, have known each other for over a
total of seven years. We've been married for one and
a half years and together for five years. We were

(49:40):
close friends for two years before that. Our relationship has
never been an easy one. We fought through a lot
to get to where we are now. But now at
this point, I'm starting to regret it all. It seems
like we're growing into two separate lives. I'm not sure
how we ended up here. I don't want to leave
my husband, but I'm not sure how much longer I
can remain. I feel like I'm settling. He's lost himself
from the relationship. Maybe I did at one point too,

(50:02):
But now that I'm back to myself, I'm realizing that
I don't like this version of him. I feel so
guilty for even thinking like this. I probably I'm probably
responsible for him developing into the person he is now.
He's done so much for me mentally, emotionally, helped me
through some rough patches. I realize this is getting long,
So this is actually not that long. But the fact

(50:23):
that you recognize that I appreciate this sounds like a
very aware person because she's already talking about stuff that
she thinks she did to contribute to her husband. So
they're gonna be fine. I'm gonna put that on that
so I'll get to I'll get to some kind of point.
Have you guys ever dealt with something like this? If so,
how did you get through? This? Is my marriage over?

Speaker 2 (50:41):
Wow, So twenty nine and twenty nine seven years together,
so that means that they've been together since they were
twenty two, and then it only been married for a
year and a half.

Speaker 1 (50:49):
Okay, listen, let me and these people twenty I mean,
you don't even know who you are at twenty now.
That's literally this is normal.

Speaker 2 (50:56):
We were eighteen, so they've been together since we were eighteen.
Child this is and we've experienced versions of ourselves within
those twenty two years that we did not like. Yes,
I think my question to her would be, do you,
without a doubt, not just love this man, but do
you like him as a person? Like is this person

(51:17):
your best friend? You know, when people say this is
my person, like, I feel like sometimes that doesn't even
give enough weight to what I feel like.

Speaker 1 (51:25):
For example, you are to me.

Speaker 2 (51:27):
We've been able to literally withstand the test of time
through so many different things in the course of twenty
two years. I know for a fact that there were
versions of Kadeen within that twenty two years that you
were just like chickencake rocks. Yeah, And there were versions
of the val that I was just like, why am
I still here? So I don't feel like it necessarily
has to be over, but I do understand feeling like, damn,

(51:52):
I don't like this person.

Speaker 1 (51:54):
Right now. But people have to realize though twenty nine
is not super super groown, especially starting at twenty two.
I always say this, from fifteen to twenty I thought
I knew everything. Twenty to twenty five I knew I
knew everything about life. Twenty five to thirty is when
I realized I didn't know shit about life the whole time.

(52:14):
Then I spent the beginning part of my thirties trying
to fix everything so that I don't live in the
same funk in my forties. The reason why I'm telling
you that is because you're both twenty nine. You're learning yourself.
If there's certain things you don't like about yourself and
your partner, it's normal you work to fix it, yep,
because you don't have to stay the way you think
you are like, you fix it, and the only way
you fix it is by having open, honest conversations that

(52:37):
other people may not want to hear. Right, Kadeen and
I have these conversations, and some people be like, I
can't believe they talk to each other like that. I
can't Why would you say that to this podcast?

Speaker 2 (52:46):
Guys with fifteen seasons in if you go to season one, two, three,
four or five somewhere in between that you're gonna hear
versions of Devl and versions of Kadeen that we may
not even subscribe to anymore. Absolutely, because that's just life,
that's how it works, that's the course of years growth.
That's reflecting, that's being honest to the moment that you
were in and speaking transparently about how you felt in

(53:07):
that moment. Because you think this episode is airing now,
we're gonna feel the exact same way five years from now,
ten years from now. No, So you have to give
people the latitude to be able to grow and change
and to support the person through that if you feel
like it's worth it.

Speaker 1 (53:20):
I agree, I agree, that's what I'm saying. I don't
to me, this one was a simple one. They twenty nine.
I get it. They going through it, you know what
I'm saying. They're going through the funk of changes. But
that happens, especially when you're with someone for a long time.

Speaker 2 (53:31):
I think, ask yourself, if your marriage is over tomorrow
and you are you able to move on with your
life without this person, regardless of what it is. Are
you able to move forward? Because I know without a
doubt that I am not choosing to move forward with
anything unless this.

Speaker 1 (53:45):
Man is by my side. Facts same thing here, I'm
not going I don't here what's going on. Once you've
made that decision, then so then you know, you know,
you know, like things are gonna be rough. Like I'm
looking at these ages twenty nine, I'm thinking about where
I was at twenty nine. Where we were. We were
third year in our marriage. We had a hot mess argument,

(54:07):
streaming mess back in the apartment.

Speaker 2 (54:11):
Twenty nine was a hot mess.

Speaker 1 (54:12):
That was twenty fifteen. Yeah, twenty fifteen. We didn't know
what we were doing. We were figuring it out. Yeah,
so this is the this is the last thing I'm
gonna say about this, because she said it's my marriage over. No,
because Eve and I thought our marriage was over around
that time too, you know, we we literally did. And
y'all listened to this podcast. We started the podcast in
twenty seventeen. I believe it was in eighteen, twenty eighteen, right,

(54:36):
so this podcast is only about six years old, right,
So you've been listening to me speak since I was
thirty four. If you'd have heard me speak at twenty nine,
you'd have been like, I don't know who that time.
So don't don't judge your part of don't judge yourself.
There's going to be more changes. Just work with each other,
love each other, and be delivered about it.

Speaker 2 (54:56):
Thank you.

Speaker 1 (54:57):
Be delivered about having fun with it like I have fun.

Speaker 2 (55:00):
Have the conversations, no know what, you can laugh off
and then know what it's like. Okay, we can work
through this.

Speaker 1 (55:05):
You know what I mean.

Speaker 2 (55:07):
Good luck to you guys, both of our listening letters today.
I really want to see y'all win, really really do
and continue to write into us. Y'all, you can be
featured as a listener letter if you write into our email.
It's dead ass Advice at gmail dot com.

Speaker 1 (55:20):
That's d E A D A S S A d
V I C E at gmail dot com.

Speaker 2 (55:25):
All right, moment of truth time. We're talking about trends.
They're talking about nail polish or all well, what are
we doing baby? What are we doing with these boys?
How are you feeling about these trends?

Speaker 1 (55:33):
How do we wrap up today's My message today is
for the dads, not just the dads of sons who
wouldn't let their kids wear nail polished, but also the
dads two sons that would right. Can we stop shaming
and judging each other for having a difference of opinion? Right?

(55:54):
Like you don't. You don't have to let your children
follow every trend to show that you yourself are inclusive
or progressive. You don't. You know what I'm saying. You
can stand firmly on the fact that I just don't
want my children to have nail polish, or I do
want my children to have nail polish, but always be
able to articulate your thoughts without judging, condemning, or shaming

(56:16):
others who don't agree with you. If we can all
do that as humanity, we would all move better than
the world be a better place.

Speaker 2 (56:21):
I definitely think so. And speaking of articulating yourself, I
think my overarching and takeaway from this episode was trend
or not, what your friends are doing or not, whatever
the case may be. I need you, as my child,
to be able to articulate to me why you are
an advocate for this, why you want to do something.
Give me the pros and cons. Let me at least

(56:42):
feel as though you've done the research on your own
to decide that you're making an informed decision about something
you want to partake. In because that's ultimately what we
want to teach our children. We want to teach them
to move in this world being leaders, not followers, marching
to the beat of their own drum. As my mom
used to say. Feel it's like an old West Indian
term or something, but it's like, you want them to
be able to be equipped with the individuality and the

(57:05):
sound mind to think for themselves and not jump on
and follow every trend when it comes to friends, when
it comes to fashion, when it comes to sports, whatever
it may be.

Speaker 1 (57:15):
I agree with you, baby, sounds good.

Speaker 2 (57:17):
All right, y'all, were rounding out season fifteen.

Speaker 1 (57:21):
I feel like the season is flying by, but you
know we will be back.

Speaker 2 (57:26):
Yeah, with future seasons, we will be I'll tell you
another moment in true time. I've debated on if fifteen
was going to be our last season. You know, we
did our last live show. It's the end of the year.
I was like, maybe we can hang up that towel
doing dead ass. But then I think I bumped into
somebody in the Christmas store. Okay, I did go to
the Christmas store.

Speaker 1 (57:45):
Look at that. You see that I did. Yo, this
is crazy. I want you all to see just total manipulation.
Kate just told herself by accident reached the look at
the hands still here because she realized, oh shit, I
told her that I did not go to the Christmas
I wasn't going this. Yeah, but I might have made it.
I might have made a quick swing by.

Speaker 2 (58:02):
Don't act like you don't know, because you be on
my life three sixties, following me everywhere.

Speaker 1 (58:06):
I do. Be on your life to sisty, that's why
you put on the Nauty list. All right, you're trying
to get off the NAUGHTI List. You guys some work
to do, all right, Well, well, actually I don't do
it somewhere, but yeah.

Speaker 2 (58:18):
We'll be back with season sixteen y'all at the top
of the year, and in the meantime whenever we're on
our hiatuses. You can always follow us on Patreon. That's
where you're going to see exclusive dead Ass content, the
after show, Ellis, family content, BTS, all the things that
we have going on. And you can find us on
social media at dead Ass, the podcast I Am I Am.

Speaker 1 (58:36):
And I Am Devo, And if you're listening on Apple podcasts,
be sure to rate, review, subscribe, and lastly pick up
that copy of We Over Me, The counterintuitive approach to
getting everything you want.

Speaker 2 (58:46):
Come on the season, make it a gift, give it
to somebody who needs it.

Speaker 1 (58:51):
Y'all. Y'all hear these listening letters.

Speaker 2 (58:52):
Somebody can benefit from that book, So go ahead and
cop the book.

Speaker 1 (58:56):
Dead Ass y'all Got dead Ass is a production of
iHeartMedia podcast Network and is produced by Dinorapinya and Tribble.
Follow the podcast on social media at dead Ass the
Podcast and never miss a thing