No Drama For Christmas

The Holiday season is here! That means spending time with family you haven't seen all year. In this episode, The Ellises talk grace and understanding when it comes to making amends before the family functions. Do we understand the intent behind the actions that cause rifts in the family unit? And are we communicating the impact that it had on our relationships? Dead Ass.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
The holidays are amongst us. You're gonna have to be
around family? Or will you have to be around fam?

Speaker 2 (00:10):
Baby, I'm not waiting till the holidays to decide who
I want to be around or not, Darling. That has
started at the top of the year and it is
carrying on through the holiday season.

Speaker 3 (00:20):
Dead ass.

Speaker 2 (00:22):
Hey, I'm Kadeen and I'm Devoured and we're the Ellis's.

Speaker 3 (00:26):
You may know us from posting funny videos with.

Speaker 2 (00:28):
Our voice and reading each other publicly as a form
of therapy.

Speaker 3 (00:33):
Wait, I make you need therapy most days. Wow.

Speaker 2 (00:37):
Oh, and one more important thing to mention, we're married, Yes, sir,
we are.

Speaker 1 (00:40):
We created this podcast to open dialogue about some of
Li's most taboo topics.

Speaker 2 (00:45):
Things most folks don't want to talk about.

Speaker 1 (00:47):
Through the lens of a millennial married couple. Dead ass
is a term that we say every day. So when
we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts one hundred
the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
We about to take off to our whole new level.

Speaker 2 (01:04):
Dead ass starts right now.

Speaker 3 (01:07):
Story time.

Speaker 1 (01:09):
So I am going to take y'all back to a
recent situation I had with my family to discuss invites.

Speaker 3 (01:18):
Okay, So.

Speaker 1 (01:21):
Without saying any names, because I'm not going to out
anybody in particular, I'm going to explain to you guys
what I've been going through on my family.

Speaker 3 (01:28):
All Right.

Speaker 1 (01:29):
When Kadeen and I moved here four years ago, this
was our second time moving out.

Speaker 3 (01:34):
Of the state.

Speaker 1 (01:35):
We lived in LA or well, no, we lived in
Michigan for four years when I played ball, right then
we moved back. Then we moved to LA for a
year and a half. Then we moved to Georgia. Full
transparency when we moved out of Brooklyn. Or while we
was in Brooklyn, a lot of people didn't come see us.
Fact that it didn't matter where we were, So we're

(01:56):
not even gonna blame it on distance. We used to
be in Brooklyn and nobody would come to that little
ragged apartment that we had, right you know what, nobody
York Avenue. You know, we was there ten years, didn't
have a lot of visits. I could probably count on
one hand how many times people came. So cut to
we Now in Georgia, we've been here for four years.

(02:17):
Some people come, some people don't.

Speaker 3 (02:19):
I invited. One of my uncles was like one of
my favorite uncles.

Speaker 1 (02:23):
I invited him a bunch of times, and during the
invite process he never had a chance to make it here.
And something's happened to your family. When you're you know,
sometimes you create distance and things happened. I thought he
was upset at me.

Speaker 3 (02:36):
I thought he was.

Speaker 1 (02:37):
I thought he was pissed, and for lack of a
better word, I thought he wasn't wucking with me. So
now we're having a big family gathering here at the house.
And since I had invited him for four years, when
my dad asked me, like, yo, how we're gonna invite
you know so and so I was just like, don't worry, Like,
don't bother, they're not gonna come. After not inviting them.
They became very upset that they weren't invited. So I

(03:01):
was kind of like, how dare you be upset after
being invited and not coming, So that now that you
are invited and you don't, Oh, you're not invited, now
you're upset, Which lead me to think about impact versus intent,
because those two are very different. But a lot of
times when you're trying to create boundaries with people, you

(03:23):
have to consider intent versus impact. And that's what I
want to talk about today.

Speaker 3 (03:28):
Baby.

Speaker 2 (03:28):
All right, well talk about it then we're gonna talk
about it.

Speaker 1 (03:32):
So this song my wife came up with because when
I tell you, this is my wife's attitude. This is
literally my wife's attitude when it comes to people who
she gotta put boundaries up.

Speaker 2 (03:45):
Listen, you want to start it, don't let my husband.
Don't be giving my husband grief, baby, because anybody, and
that goes for anybody, family, friends, coworkers, business folks, whoever
it is. If anybody fuck with you, I don't fuck
with them, which leads me to I don't fuck with you.

(04:06):
You look stupid ass, So with you period. Okay, I
don't even have to go no further with the song.
That's just what it is.

Speaker 1 (04:13):
As you can tell my wife you know I'm a
buckt her feelings as a period.

Speaker 2 (04:20):
You've got issues with your man and your woman. What,
But don't tell your family facts, you know what I'm saying,
because we will hold on to that moment.

Speaker 3 (04:27):
That is a fact.

Speaker 2 (04:28):
So for my marriage folks out there, folks in relationships,
just keep it between y'all two baby, because if you're anybody,
if you got any family like Kadeen, Baby, she's ready
to buck when people want to knock. All right, let's
go pay some bills, y'all and let me cool down,
and then we'll come back and we'll get into story
time stick around.

Speaker 1 (04:50):
All right, we're back, So let me just just dive
in a little bit here, just to provide some context
when you when you have family, right, I'm learning now
as I get older that family forever evolves.

Speaker 3 (05:07):
Like who is.

Speaker 1 (05:08):
Important to you in the moment changes as your family grows, Right,
Because when you're part of a nuclear family, like me
being a part of my mom and my dad's nuclear family,
who they told me were important, I had to value right.
So if their brothers and sisters, their mom and dad,
their friends, but we had things like make sure you invite,
make sure you were just because they had a nuclear family,

(05:29):
they were putting together. Now, Kadeena and I have a
nuclear family, and we're trying to make sure that we
keep all of the people that were important to us together.
You know, when sometimes people get invited, sometimes people don't.
Sometimes life happens and you lose. You lose people, you know,
as far as seeing them consistently. When we used to
live in Brooklyn. Certain people we used to see all
the time. And I'm going to add this context because

(05:51):
the uncle that I ultimately didn't invite, he was an
uncle that we would run to when we had things
to do.

Speaker 3 (05:56):
So for example, if Kadeena.

Speaker 1 (05:57):
And I had an event or we had to go,
I could drop Jackson. At the time, we only had
one child, I could drop Jackson. Or maybe sometimes it
was Cairo too possible to them and hit him and
his wife and they would they would watch the kids
and everything would be fine. Like and because we were
so close, we were like I think it was like

(06:17):
nine blocks away. Like you would go down New York
Avenue three blocks and to make a left to Monroe
Street and we would be right there.

Speaker 3 (06:23):
So it's super convenient.

Speaker 1 (06:25):
But when you can see people like that quick, you
sometimes you know, you take for granted how important they
are until you move away and you realize, like, damn,
I don't see them as much. And in this particular story,
I think a lot of that happened. We're talking about
a family and I'm not gonna that's my uncle Kevin.
You know it's my uncle Kevin. This is this is like,

(06:45):
it's my my favorite uncle. This is my guy. He's
the guy that I wanted to be like. He's the
guy that taught me a lot about about women. I
used to let me borrow his car, and you know
what I'm saying.

Speaker 2 (06:54):
Yeah, everybody knows what it was like with that favorite an.

Speaker 1 (06:57):
That's the guy that I you know, I looked up
and I was just, man, if I can you he
liked somebody when I didn't want to talk to my
dad about things.

Speaker 3 (07:02):
I spoke to him.

Speaker 2 (07:03):
Yeah. Oh, Kevin really liked me off the bat too,
which was nice. Oh yeah, he was like he was like,
you know, everybody liked me off that shout out Kevin.

Speaker 3 (07:13):
He looked at you. He looked at you the first time.

Speaker 1 (07:15):
It was just like, you know, he's like, yo, dude,
this is how my uncle talked me. Hey, yo, dude,
she's cute. You know what I like the most? I
was like what he was like, she's smart. He started
asking you know's gonna ask you about grides and stuff,
and they was asking you when you were having these
conversations about academia and you know, what you want to
do and stuff.

Speaker 3 (07:35):
And then he was looking at me.

Speaker 1 (07:36):
It was just like, y'all, I love the fact that
she think I liked that, right, she's smart.

Speaker 3 (07:40):
That's my that's my uncle Kevin.

Speaker 2 (07:42):
That was me thinking like one hundred and twenty five pounds.

Speaker 1 (07:45):
He also told me too, he was just like you
see now because I've said this on the podcast. He
was the one, him and my pops just like you
find the slim thick joints when they're early, because once
they have kids, then they'll be the thick thick joint.

Speaker 3 (07:58):
So shout out to Uncle Kevin for giving me that.

Speaker 1 (08:00):
But over the past couple of years, I mean, he
has two grown kids, three grown kids, two and a half.
I like to see two and a half because one
is outside of his marriage. Before he met my aunt
Chattie him and he had my cousin Porsche, who was
like growing up, was like my best friend. So he
has three grown kids who have kids too. Porsha has
three sons, so he has grandkids. Then Cal just got

(08:23):
married and Ca engaged, and Ki got his own thing
going on with school and training and stuff. So I
was also under the impression that he had a lot
going on. I have a lot going on. After a
couple of years, you know, you lose touch with people.
So during the time we lost touch, I had invited
him to come down here a couple of times, and
it was a couple of times I thought he had

(08:43):
came to Georgia and didn't see us. And like in
any family, you have disagreements and miscommunications. Miscommunication tends to
be miscommunication. Me and my cousin Cale had some disagreements,
some miscommunications. So because those years went by and we
had these disagreements, when my unc who wasn't coming, I
just thought that he wasn't rocking with us like that.
I thought that he was just like, yo, I'm not

(09:04):
going down there because family got they things, you know
what I'm saying. Me and my sister went through our
times when we weren't talking necessarily. We only talked when
we saw each other at our parents' house because we
couldn't have a conversation without, you know, being upset at
each other.

Speaker 3 (09:19):
So I thought this was one of those things.

Speaker 1 (09:20):
So after not coming to a couple of invites, we
were having a family thing that my dad was putting
together and he had my aunt and my uncle and
them on the list, and I said, don't bother inviting
them because they're not gonna come guys.

Speaker 2 (09:33):
The family thing was supposed to be, Oh, we're gonna
have a couple of family members come to see us
and spend a weekend. I'm thinking twelve, fifteen, eighteen people,
thirty seven. Forty four was the thing.

Speaker 3 (09:45):
It was forty four.

Speaker 2 (09:46):
Yeah, it ended up being forty four because, to your point,
the nuclear family then becomes expansive as people gets older.
There was forty four people here, absolutely, forty four people
here because for example, your aunt has two daughters who
now have two boyfriend right and such and such now
has a fiance, and then all these people expanding more
and more, right, and then you add our family that

(10:06):
it was about fifty of us in here.

Speaker 1 (10:07):
You're right because when my dad first showed me the list,
he didn't have the list of the significant.

Speaker 2 (10:13):
Other significant others.

Speaker 1 (10:14):
I didn't even think about that exactly. So we asked forty,
well over forty people here. My dad was just like, YO,
what am I I was like, YO, like they're not
gonna come.

Speaker 3 (10:23):
You know what I'm saying? Was I in my feelings?

Speaker 1 (10:25):
Yeah, it was in my feelings, And I was like, Yo,
don't don't invite them, Like they're not gonna come. I've
invited them so many times they don't care.

Speaker 2 (10:31):
And there's the question of sorry, before you continue. How
many times do you invite somebody before they just you
just stop inviting them, right, you know, because the same
could be said for us. You know, not to deter
from the story real quick, but the same can be
said for us. We sometimes get invited things, often from
a lot of people, and it's just like, damn, with scheduling,

(10:51):
with kids, with life and work, with tours, with filming,
it's like, damn, I can't come. So there is a
couple of people who come to mind who invited me
to thinks a couple of times, and I've been like, Damn,
I can't make it, Damn, I can't make it. So
do I then get into my feelings because I may
not be invited to the next event that I might
be available to make it to. At what point do
you stop inviting people?

Speaker 1 (11:09):
That's a good question and we should do a podcast
about that because I learned a lot during this situation
about always inviting people, especially if those if there are
people who've always been there for you, just because their
life gets busy over the last couple of years and
they can't come don't mean that you stop inviting them,
you know, like we can't.

Speaker 3 (11:25):
And I'm glad you brought that up because I learned
in this.

Speaker 1 (11:28):
Moment you can't put a whole forty year relationship into three.

Speaker 2 (11:34):
Years, meaning the three years of contemp.

Speaker 1 (11:37):
I've been on this earth for forty years and my
uncle Kevin has been in my quarter for forty years.
For the past three years, we haven't been on the
same page. You know what I'm saying. I refuse to
encompass everything that we've been through in forty years and
just say, well, these three last three years, you've been
like this, So I'm not fucking with you, right. You
know what I'm saying based off of a disagreement, And

(11:59):
I learned learned that through this, you know what I'm saying.
The whole point I told the story was, you know
how we talked about intent versus impact. I said to
my uncle when I found out that I found out
that he was upset. My cousin Kire was upset, and
I was just like, I don't understand why you're upset.
I invite you to stuff and you don't come the
minute I don't invite you. Now you're pissed off, right,

(12:22):
And my biggest thing was I didn't invite you because
I hated you. I didn't invite you because I thought
you weren't gonna come. So my intent was not to
hurt your feelings. My intent was to prevent my feelings
from being hurt by saying, if I invite you and
you don't come, I don't want to be disappointed, and
oh set, I'm going to be impacted. So I tried

(12:43):
to protect my peace right. And when I explained it
to him, he said, you understood. When I explained it
to my cousin, my anchiity. But then it made me
really think about having this conversation on the podcast, right,
how do you create boundaries with family when everyone's telling
you to give grace but at the same time saying
give you know, create boundaries. It almost seems like it's

(13:04):
telling you the two opposite things at the same time,
cause giving race means whatever happens, I how to understand
where you're coming from, whereas creating boundaries means what you're
going through is not my problem.

Speaker 3 (13:17):
I'm stopping it here, or it's.

Speaker 2 (13:18):
A protecting myself mechanism from what you know, the inevitable
may be. So, for example, if you do have someone
in your family and this is not your uncle or anyone.
This is specifically hypothetically speaking. If you have someone who
time and time again decides to disappoint you in whatever
facet It can be not showing up or not calling
or checking in whatever it may be, and then you decide,

(13:41):
you know what, I'm just not going to be the
one to touch base anymore or to continue to try
to forge this relationship because it doesn't seem like the
other party is doing. So you then are well within
your right to say, you know what, just to protect myself,
I'm going to create this boundary here while I can
still give that person grace and be like, you know,
they may be going through something as well, but I
think we're necessary. They tend to be people naturally who

(14:02):
want to protect ourselves.

Speaker 3 (14:04):
I agree.

Speaker 2 (14:04):
Versus the other person, I.

Speaker 1 (14:06):
Agree, But creating a boundary for yourself without communicating it
to the other person is not fair.

Speaker 2 (14:12):
Oh yeah, the communication is important.

Speaker 3 (14:14):
And that's where I messed up.

Speaker 1 (14:15):
That's why I messed up, And that's where you know
I have to and I wanted to talk about this
publicly so that I can teach people what I learned,
because to be honest, I don't feel like I was
wrong for not inviting them.

Speaker 3 (14:26):
I don't.

Speaker 1 (14:26):
I'm like, I've been inviting you for years and everything
else was more important. I'm not going to keep doing
that to myself, right. But what I could have done,
which after speaking to my uncle, is I could have said,
you're uncle, we having something at the crib. You ain't
been here, so I'm not extending the invitation because there's
a lot of people, and if I'm going to have
a lot of people, I'm going to want to know
who's going to be here. I'm afraid that if I
invite you, you won't come, you won't show up. But

(14:48):
then I would have held the spot. If I would
have said that, it would have at least given him
the opportunity to make a choice. I took his choice away.
And that's when I said, you know what, I was
right for protect through my piece, But I was wrong
for not expressing how I felt and why because now
I created a boundary. But I didn't give grace because

(15:08):
remember you you said we ask for grace. I asked
for grace all the time because I'm always traveling and
I can't make things, so I'm always asking for grace.
When I spoke to my uncle, I was like, yo,
why you haven't been here. He explained to me what
he was going through, had started a new job, working
on all these things. And I said, damn, I didn't
consider none of that. So here I am being selfish
in myself saying my uncle, my uncle didn't come to
see me.

Speaker 3 (15:29):
Me, me, me, me, my uncle here.

Speaker 2 (15:31):
You see what I'm saying.

Speaker 1 (15:32):
Yeah, And then in doing that and not speaking to him,
I then created a boundary for myself which out without
speaking to him.

Speaker 3 (15:40):
So now I hurt him.

Speaker 1 (15:42):
So now the way I impacted him was not how
I intended, but I did, And I had to realize
in that moment of value, like, yeah, you had a
right to be upset, but think outside of yourself for
a minute. Bro, your uncle been here in your whole life. Yeah,
he might have had a rough three years. That might
have been some other stuff going on that you don't
know about, and the men, and he couldn't be there

(16:04):
for you the way you wanted him to be here
for you.

Speaker 3 (16:06):
De vow you cut him off or didn't include him.

Speaker 1 (16:09):
You know what that is fucked up, And that's what
made me think about, like, yo, how do we create
boundaries but also give grace?

Speaker 2 (16:17):
Right? And so I think it just gets harder as
you get older, because you started out by talking about
like what your new nuclear family looks like, right, And
at what point do you say, Okay, yes, I was
attached to my mother and father and their siblings you know,
aunts and uncles and then of course cousins. But then
you create your own family with someone and you have

(16:38):
your children, and then how do you continue to also
I guess make room for the people who you've grown
up with without it getting to be something that's overwhelming
and you're always having to consider the feelings of all
of these grown ass people. You know, because I've been
on the opposite side of that too, where I'm just
like some of the issues that my mom's generation, for example,

(16:59):
was deal with, I'm like, that's not necessarily my cross
to bear, that's my problem. These issues have happened long
before I even was here, But here I am trying
to be the person who's bridging the gap and being
the middleman and bringing everyone together when it's like sometimes
people don't want to be brought together or for your

(17:19):
own sanity. Sometimes it's easier to just leave those people
out and stick with your little nuclear family.

Speaker 1 (17:25):
I'm glad you brought that up, because that's why I
wanted to have this discussion right understanding what intent is,
right Truba.

Speaker 3 (17:32):
You know, she always includes the facts and stats, absolutely facts.

Speaker 1 (17:36):
Intent is the intention or purpose behind in action, while
impact is the results of that action and how it's perceived.
Intent is personal, while impact may be based on a
person's background, personal experiences, and trauma.

Speaker 2 (17:48):
Way more loaded.

Speaker 3 (17:49):
The reason why that.

Speaker 1 (17:50):
Is important is because we as people right have to
stop looking at our intent right and then giving ourselves
a justified past because our intent was genuine, that does
not mean that it didn't impact the person that you
did it to in a negative a negative way.

Speaker 2 (18:08):
And do we then judge the person for the way
they feel after they've been impacted because you're saying, but
that's not how I meant it. Yeah, that's what was
supposed to be. It's not even like that though. Yeah,
that's lots of consider It really is lots of consider
within relationship.

Speaker 1 (18:22):
When your intent does not match the impact it made
on someone, it's important to listen to understand how to
communicate with that person better. Although you may not have
intended to cause harm, understanding how your actions have impacted
someone can help you.

Speaker 3 (18:35):
Create a stronger connection.

Speaker 1 (18:37):
The reason why I think this is important, especially around
the holiday seasons, is because this time of the year,
people like Thanksgiving, how to go to this person house?
I really don't.

Speaker 3 (18:48):
You know what I'm saying.

Speaker 1 (18:49):
And then we don't even ask ourselves why we feel
that way. We just say we feel that way, and
then we find ways to avoid that person, which creates
more issues.

Speaker 2 (18:59):
Some people know exactly why they don't fuck with somebody
and still feel like, you know what, Damn, I'm gonna
have to sit through this. Or I feel like our
generation now is more so the generation to say, you
know what, I'm just not doing that.

Speaker 1 (19:10):
Yeah, but but our generation still isn't having conversations. Our
generation I call them the cut off generation.

Speaker 3 (19:16):
Right.

Speaker 1 (19:16):
The generation before us was the avoid it, put it
under the rugs, let's ignore it. That's this generation is. Yeah,
we're gonna point it out. We're gonna shame the people
who don't like We're gonna we're going to just ignore
them because I'm creating boundaries as I'm stronger, which isn't
the right way either.

Speaker 2 (19:34):
The communication component is what's missing between the prior generation
and our generation. Yes, it's the community communication.

Speaker 1 (19:41):
Because creating boundaries for yourself, while intended to be good
for you, can also impact the person you created the
boundary from in a negative way if you don't explain
why you created that boundary, and that boundary can also
create more trauma that can now.

Speaker 3 (19:58):
Lead to issues that your kids gotta did with.

Speaker 1 (20:00):
For example, we all know that those aunts and uncles
who don't talk to each other.

Speaker 3 (20:04):
Right, and we don't even know why they don't talk
to each other.

Speaker 1 (20:07):
But you know what happens now that aren't or uncle
don't talk to the other aunt or uncle's kids.

Speaker 3 (20:11):
Right, Those kids don't know why.

Speaker 4 (20:14):
I have no idea, So you know what happens to
those kids? They grow up saying fuck that uncle and
that uncle and aunt has kids too. And I was like, wait,
fuck my father or dad or mom fuck you. And
now you got cousins beefit and we don't we don't
know why.

Speaker 2 (20:29):
It just makes for really uncomfortable situations year after year.

Speaker 1 (20:33):
So this is what I want to do with this episode, right,
I want to implore people to find out about your
family history. You know how I was able to get
through what I was going through with my uncle because
it was a lot, It was heavy. We were upset
each other for a minute, started to think back about
my uncle's past. Then my aunt's passed her upbringing his upbringing.

(20:58):
Then I had to think about his kids. Don't think
about myself because the first thing we do is do.

Speaker 3 (21:03):
You know everything I've been through it hurt me? Because
it is.

Speaker 1 (21:05):
It hurt my feelings, and it the whole time you're
not thinking, well, what about the other person? So when
I sat down and I started to actually think about
the other members of my family, I could honestly say,
no one woke up intending to hurt my feelings. So
if they didn't intend to hurt my feelings, do I

(21:26):
necessarily have to create a boundary that's a hard stop
for that family member.

Speaker 3 (21:32):
And to me, the answer is.

Speaker 1 (21:33):
No, because as long as I know that your intent
wasn't malicious, I can still extend grace.

Speaker 2 (21:39):
But that only came through communicating and researching because you
were on the border, yes, were about to be like
it was border that Like I'm done, and that's just
what it is. But you then being you know, pretty mature,
and I'm working to situations where I was just like,
I'm not doing that, and he's just liked, I think

(22:01):
you should, and I'm like, I'm not doing that, and
he's like, I think you need to have that conversation.
And after having conversations on my end with family members
who I've had either disagreements with or didn't see eye
to eye, it really is super eye opening when you
get somebody else's perspective. And then you go from this
weird place of being pissed off and annoyed at this

(22:21):
person and being like ugh, to really having empathy and
being like damn, no for real, being like, damn, I
didn't realize that. A, that's what you were going through.
That's you know, how you were raised. These are the
things that you're contending with with your spouse or you know,
whatever other relationships that are impacting you know, whatever decisions

(22:42):
you've been making lately. And then it kind of makes
you feel dumb, dumb, yeah, and it makes you feel
like damn, like I was here harping on this one
particular thing that made me feel some kind of way,
and I didn't even realize that you had this plethora
of other things where you were literally in survival mode.
And see here I am judging you for that.

Speaker 3 (23:01):
That goes back to something else.

Speaker 1 (23:02):
I always say, right, as important as you think you are,
you have to realize that you're not. Because here I
was thinking that, damn, my uncle wasn't coming to see
me because he's mad about this. He must be pissed
about it. I created a whole narrative about why he
was mad. Then I speak to him. This is another thing.
Shout out to my uncle Harold, uncle Kevin's best friend.
They grew up together, they were cops together. My uncle
Kevin came to Georgia. Harold picked him up, didn't tell

(23:24):
him he was coming to meet me, didn't tell me
I was gonna meet him because me and my uncle
at that time wasn't talking. We had got into a screaming,
shouting match, you know, hung up the phone on each other,
and we wasn't talking. And then we see each other.
The minute we see each other, what happen? Like you
know what I'm saying. I give him a big hug.
I'm bigger than him now, Like you know, when it's
your uncle, you donally run up and jumping your uncle,

(23:45):
but I'm big at him now. He gave me a
big hug. I gave him a big hug, and we
sat down. And when he's older than I am, my
uncle's sixty something, so I know that generation very well,
dealing with my parents and your parents. So when he
sat down, it wasn't important to me in that moment
to tell him everything I was going through. I said, please,
please take the time and just tell me what's going on.

Speaker 2 (24:05):
But you also were seeking understanding because he knew it
was so out of character for him, especially knowing him
for so many years and the relationship you've had, so
I think he really just wanted to.

Speaker 1 (24:17):
Utimately, I was concerned one about my uncle my uncle's
mental space, because I know, especially for that generation in particular,
there haven't been a lot of spaces for men to
be vulnerable and speak about what they go through.

Speaker 3 (24:30):
So I had to sit back and say, dang, my
uncle could be going through something.

Speaker 1 (24:32):
If he doesn't feel comfortable talking to anybody, it can
spiral out of control. And I never want to see
my uncle go through what I watched other men in
my family go through dealing with dementia or stress, alcoholism,
getting up and leaving like I was like, I always
was concerned about how he was doing. So when we met,
you know, and he was, I was just like, yo,
just tell me. And for forty minutes he let me

(24:55):
know everything he was going through. And the more he
was letting me know what he was going through, I
felt small because I say, here, I am thinking in
my mind that you were upset about me, that.

Speaker 3 (25:05):
You weren't even He was like, yod, I wasn't even upset.

Speaker 1 (25:08):
I had a lot going on in my house and
at work, and I was like, I'll get back to him.
Now here's another thing. When you don't talk a lot,
family talks. So Uncle Kevin saying I'll get back to you.
He didn't even get a chance to get back to
me because it had got back to someone else that
he was upset at me. And by the time it
got to me from a third party, everything that I

(25:28):
thought he was upset about wasn't even what he was
upset about, which taught me the importance of not always
creating boundaries, but giving grace so that you can sit
down and have conversations. Because if I would have just
spent here like you know what, remember you said, I agreed.
I was on that brink, like, yo, if he don't
text me back today because I sent him a text,

(25:49):
I'm good because I've.

Speaker 3 (25:50):
Done everything in my power.

Speaker 1 (25:51):
I was the more mature one, and if he don't
get back to me, I'm not talking to him.

Speaker 3 (25:56):
And three days went by and I was like I'm good, Like, hey,
I did my part. And imagine if.

Speaker 1 (26:00):
Harold didn't bring my uncle and we don't speak for
months and then it becomes years, and then it's like
I don't fuck with my uncle and he don't fuck
with me. When time happens, now everyone has more time
to create a narrative about what they think happens.

Speaker 2 (26:12):
Man. And when you say everyone, it's not even just
you and him, because said of the conversation then expands
to extended family and surrounding family, where it's like you're
having conversations with everyone and they're given their perspective, which
is then potentially adding to a narrative that wasn't even
the narrative exactly. So that sometimes does more harm than good.
And for you, it was a moment too. I think

(26:33):
in those moments then about how you were feeling to
give your side of the story, because I also feel
like within families there's also this your side versus my
side versus what we actually went down, and we get
caught in the crossfire. A lot of times when we're
having those family discussions with the family surrounding, it's about
who said what, when, and how that impacted you, what

(26:54):
I and the intent around them telling you what they
told you.

Speaker 1 (26:56):
What I noticed about a lot of this from all sides,
not just from my side, is that a lot of
times in families, people are concerned about looking wrong to
other people. So even when they tell stories or tell,
you know, their idea of what happens, they always tell
it in the light where they were the victim and
the other person was this demon person. I was doing
something bad, and I realized, boy, before that this in

(27:20):
that way, before.

Speaker 3 (27:21):
This instant, that that's not the truth. Right.

Speaker 1 (27:25):
If I'm gonna tell a story to somebody, if I
really want to seek understanding from a third party, I
gotta tell the whole story, even the ones that may
make me look a little bad, because.

Speaker 3 (27:37):
I have to be honest.

Speaker 1 (27:38):
The accountability, you gotta be accountable like and that's the
first thing I did. When I spoke to Uncle Harold,
I was like, yo, he was like, what's going on
with you and your uncle? I didn't start by saying
he did he did? No, I said, okay, let me
be honest. There were some things that I did first
that I feel like would have if I would have
changed my mentality or my thought process, we wouldn't have.

(28:00):
And it's bad, but this is what happened, and that
he was listening. And one thing about Uncle Harro he's
a former detective. He wasn't there what happened first. Whoever happens,
whoever did this first, is the one who's guilty. No,
he didn't do that. The minute I finished talking, he said,
it's some bullshit. Y'all acting like some bitches. And he

(28:21):
was just like, y'all need to grow up. This is
not Yes, he was like, this is not important enough
for y'all not to be talking right, And he was
listening to me.

Speaker 3 (28:30):
But the thing is, he didn't even have to validate
what I was saying.

Speaker 1 (28:34):
The fact that he just listened and let me speak
without interrupting me made me hear myself. And then while
I was talking to him, I was like, dang, this
sounds so fucking stupid, Like, why am I arguing with
someone who I admired so much for forty years? About
three years, you know, And that's less than ten percent

(28:55):
of the time that we've spent together. And in those
three years, we've probably spent three days together, whereas for
the other thirty.

Speaker 3 (29:01):
Seven we were around each other week after week.

Speaker 1 (29:04):
And that's why I really wanted to talk to everybody
in the podcast and be like, Yo, the holidays is
coming up. There's gonna be that cousin, that nephew, that sister,
that brother, that mother that you're gonna be like, I
don't want to talk to this motherfucker. I'm asked, I'm
begging you take the time to sit down and ask
that person what they've been going through and what's going on,
and just listen, just listen. You may find it in

(29:25):
your heart to extend some grace.

Speaker 2 (29:27):
You may because you may further that boundary or you
know what're like, this is exactly why I wasn't fucking
with you at this time.

Speaker 3 (29:35):
Anyway.

Speaker 1 (29:35):
Absolutely, that's the most fairest thing ever. As my son,
who has no boundaries, what's the upcoder, just walk right
in here with his Apple slices. Now you talking about
somebody not having boundaries, it's d Koda and.

Speaker 2 (29:47):
We're gonna give him grace because he has something feeling
well today, because your mommy's always gonna give grace. I
love that, but no, you're absolutely right about that. I
think the conversation component between it's like that bridge between
grace and boundary, you know what I mean, it's having
the conversation. I had a similar situation with family member
as well that for years I was just so upset,

(30:08):
so upset about the way she was existing and the
things that she was doing. And you also realize too
after a while that sometimes within family they're being enabled
by other family members at the same time. So it's
like you can't even get mad at one family member
for their actions because somebody else is allowing it to happen.
So you realize, you know what, that's not even my
battle to fight, Like, why am I over here upset?

(30:30):
Why am I over here, you know, distancing myself when
everybody else seems to be okay with it. So if
everybody else is okay with it, all I know at
that point is that I can step away the boundary
that I create is to know, yes, I understand what's happening.
Everybody's entitled to feel their way they feel, but I'm
also entitled to say, you know what I said my piece,

(30:51):
and I can walk away and I can still exist
and coexist in spaces with them where we're still family.

Speaker 1 (30:57):
Thanks, And that's that's ultimately, Like, what I've come to
terms with is that extending grace doesn't also mean that
you have to cross your own boundaries. You just have
to figure out where that line is. And I have
my moment of truth. That's what I was writing down.
I have a moment of truth that I feel really
strongly about. So after we take this break and we

(31:18):
get to these listener letters, we can come back.

Speaker 2 (31:21):
But before we go to the listener letters, you got
to like round out the story. So Vin came back.
Know what happened here? You know I'm saying, because this
is a devout story. Time is an extended, extended clip
today episode of Time.

Speaker 1 (31:34):
And I'm excited to talk about this because we always
talk about how dead Ass podcast is therapy for us.
My family was going through it. You know, my mom
was upset, my grandmother was upset. You know, my uncle Kevin,
was upset. His family was upset. My I was upset.
You were upset.

Speaker 3 (31:52):
You know.

Speaker 1 (31:53):
So this is real things. But the resolution of it
is really what I'm proud of. Because my uncle I
brought Uncle Kevin here, we saw each other.

Speaker 3 (32:03):
That was a surprise. He didn't tell Uncle Kevin.

Speaker 2 (32:05):
I wish I said it before you left the house.
So Uncle Harold called a vout and was like, Hey,
I need you to meet up with me real quick,
just some stuff. I want to talk to you over
the phone. And I literally was like, I wondered if
Kevin's and I should have said it to you, because
that's the first thing that crossed my mind, and I
was like, Nah, he wouldn't have came down like this
quick to have this conversation.

Speaker 1 (32:23):
I'm glad that you didn't, because if you would have
said that to me, I would have asked you, Harold,
you got Kevin with you because if he's not, I
need to be prepped because I don't know how I'm
going to respond or how he's going to respond. Because
I definitely would have been like, yo, don't do that
to him neither, because he was the one that was
really really upset. And one thing I've learned to about boundaries.
When someone says they're upset and they want to talk
about it, when they can get their emotions together, surprising

(32:44):
them or popping up with an intervention, you.

Speaker 3 (32:46):
Got to respect that. That's not cool.

Speaker 1 (32:48):
But the fact that Uncle Harold did that, it shows
that he knows his friend.

Speaker 2 (32:52):
True.

Speaker 1 (32:53):
The fact that my uncle was willing to sit down
and have a conversation with me shows the love that
my uncle has for me. But also I love him too,
like he got a chance to realize, like damn, my nephew.
Because all Harold had to do was tell me one
time I got to talk to you about some stuff
or meet me here.

Speaker 3 (33:06):
And I was like, all I bet you know.

Speaker 1 (33:08):
Like I didn't ask a bunch of questions. I was like,
all right, I'm here, like where you at. So it
was a good feeling to see my uncle pop up
the minute I saw him, and he smiled.

Speaker 3 (33:16):
I smile because.

Speaker 2 (33:17):
Y'all really knew y'all was being bitches, didn't you.

Speaker 1 (33:20):
No, No, he said to Harold. He said to Harrold
on the phone, he was like, your Harold. Harold relaxed,
like this ain't gonna last too long, and Harold was like, well.

Speaker 3 (33:26):
He touched you.

Speaker 1 (33:27):
You should have responded back, like my uncle Harold, don't
hold no punches. He's like you like yo, Like you
like that deserves a response? keV Like You're not supposed to.

Speaker 3 (33:35):
Do that, right.

Speaker 2 (33:35):
I harrow twoice in my life, and both times I
was like, I absolutely love this man. I don't know
what it is about him, but I love his spirit.

Speaker 3 (33:41):
Yeah, he's well.

Speaker 1 (33:42):
What you do love about him too, is that he
had a near death experience and watched his family be
there for him, you know, throughing.

Speaker 3 (33:49):
All of through all of that.

Speaker 1 (33:50):
So his perspective on life is nothing is more important
than the people who are willing to be there for you.
When you think this is your last breath, and when
you take what you think is your last breath, you
gotta think about it.

Speaker 3 (34:02):
The house, the.

Speaker 1 (34:03):
Cars, this to that, the money, all that stuff don't matter.
You're thinking I'm never going to see these people again.

Speaker 3 (34:09):
And when that.

Speaker 1 (34:10):
Becomes your reality, you start to look at some of
your actions as a person and.

Speaker 3 (34:14):
You think this is stupid.

Speaker 1 (34:15):
I'm acting like a bitch, Like you know what I'm saying, Like,
why am I letting this even bother me? That much.
I'm not gonna let it get creeping my brain. Yeah,
we're not beefing. I mean we're not talking.

Speaker 3 (34:24):
We beefing. What's up? Tell me what?

Speaker 1 (34:26):
Just give me your perspective, what you think happened. And
during that time when they talking, don't be looking to
defend you know why they feel that way?

Speaker 3 (34:37):
I mean, yes, that used to be you all the time.

Speaker 2 (34:39):
Absolute I was always like I was the one that
was heavy on the intent. I'm like, man, I did
not know. There's no part of me, there's no bone
in my body that had any malice with this intent.
But so the fact that you took it that way
and it impacted you that way is crazy to me,
and that that used to be my thing, especially with
you and I I pledged to I can't believe you

(35:00):
feel this way when really all I was doing was
this And then in that turn, you felt like I
was trying to diminish how you felt, or trying to
dismiss how you felt, or not trying to empathize how
you felt, when really I couldn't get past the fact,
like what did I do wrong? And that's just having
a self reflection for me. When you're thinking about the
intent portion of it. What did I do or how

(35:21):
did I deliver this or what action did I do?
How could I have done it differently so I didn't
get this impact or you didn't get this impact? You know.
So that was always my thing when it came to
disagreements with you, and but you know, thankfully, through this
podcast and through our relationship, been able to just extend
this to our extended families.

Speaker 1 (35:40):
But also once again, you trying to explain why you
did it also speaks to your intent. M you know
not you know not you know saying well, I see
how that impacted you is why arguments keep going. You know,
if someone says, YO, poke me in my eye, and
that person just is I didn't do it on purpose,

(36:02):
But you poked me in my eye. But I didn't
do it on purpose. My eyes bleeding, I have scratched it,
I can't see, I'm blind. I used to have twenty
twenty visions. Now I have zero zero vision in my eye.
And that person goes, but I didn't do it on purpose.
You're gonna be like, that's all you care about. You
don't even care about my eye. All you care about
is how you look in this situation. I can't even

(36:24):
look because I can't see.

Speaker 2 (36:26):
Nobody wants to be the bad guy, and that's the problem.
You just want your eye kissed, right.

Speaker 3 (36:32):
My one eye? You know it got one eye. I
guess it's time to take a break.

Speaker 2 (36:37):
I guess a break.

Speaker 3 (36:40):
So Kaki kissed the one eyed monster since she brought
it up.

Speaker 2 (36:45):
I know, I know, we do some stupid. Goodbye, Let's
go pay some bills to come back. I don't even
know what I was gonna say.

Speaker 3 (36:49):
I don't know how my brain goes there.

Speaker 2 (36:53):
Seg to pay the bills, and it just went over
my head because.

Speaker 3 (36:56):
You're trying to pay some bills. Go ahead, go ahead,
take it. Take it to break. Let's take it break.

Speaker 2 (37:02):
We'll be back with Listen Letters. Y'all stick around, all right?

Speaker 3 (37:14):
We back.

Speaker 2 (37:14):
Now, we are back, and I'll jump into Listener Letters
your money, all right. First off, I wanted to say
that I love your podcast. I've been a longtime listener
and fan, and I really enjoy the down to earth
conversations that you guys have. Thank you. That being said,
the episode with Kaylin Allen really uplifted me to strive
for better in their life. That's why we do it,

(37:35):
you go. I am a thirty three year old woman
and I have a one year old son. I've always
been driven to get a better education and land corporate job,
so I initially went that route and got my bachelor's
degree in healthcare management, along with a multitude of associate
degrees and diplomas.

Speaker 3 (37:48):
Your mother would love them.

Speaker 2 (37:49):
Oh yeah. After experiencing a layoff a few years back,
it really shifted my entire mindset and made me realize
that my happiness does not reside in my degrees nor
our jobs. Absolutely yet, I've spent so much time spinning
my wheels trying to figure out what does. So I
ended up remaining in corporate America, even though I loathe it.
There's no natural talent that I have that sticks out financially. Sorry,

(38:14):
I think I jumped the gun here. There's no natural
talent that I have that sticks out to me, nor
any particular passions. My only goal is to live a
financially wealthy life, not like me. Tell baby girl, I
know exactly how you feel.

Speaker 3 (38:31):
Okay.

Speaker 2 (38:32):
I strive to be low key wealthy, but I can't
figure out what direction or niche that I'd like to
go into. I did start drop shipping clothing business a
while back librevilling dot Com, but honestly, I haven't put
that effort into it because it just doesn't feel like
my calling. The reason why Klein Allen's particular episode stuck
out to me is because he is so aware, confident,

(38:55):
and bold about his life goals as a whole. That
is a fact at twenty six is crazy, definitely. I mean,
he looks twenty six, but I definitely thought he was
older based off of his demeanor. Sometimes I really do
wish there was an easier way to distinguish what my
passions and desires are, to have a better understanding of
what direction to go into that that can lead to fulfillment. Ultimately,

(39:18):
it's solely just my drive for financial success pushing me along,
and I realize that it's likely why I've been spinning
my wheels, unsure of what direction to go in. The
only major thing I've done outside of corporate is purchase
land that I will hopefully be able to add a
home and tenant one day, and I honestly question if
that was even the right investment or direction. Every day

(39:40):
I want to ensure that myself and my son are
set up in the long run financially and escape corporate
America entirely, but currently walking in circles. Any advice about
how to go into the right direction concerning starting my
business or investment opportunities if there's no real passion behind it, Sincerely,
the purposeless Entrepreneur travel.

Speaker 1 (40:00):
So many people have asked me the same question, and
they say, Devalo, you know I've heard you tell a
story about how you knew what you want to do
with You was five and you wanted to act and
you knew this. It's like, I don't know what I
want to do, Like how do I find that out?
And you know what, I realized people don't travel anymore.
Like a lot of people feel like the digital age
is how they can see the world, so they're force

(40:21):
fed all of these things. And the thing is, the
algorithm only shows you things you click on, so you
can't discover anything. Really, it's going to force feed your
stuff you already know. So it gets boring and you.

Speaker 3 (40:31):
Start to feel like, well, I know everything and I
don't love anything about this.

Speaker 1 (40:34):
I have no passions. I have no passions, I have
no talent. That's not true. Get out there and travel
the world. Go do something, put your feet on the ground,
use your hands. Like, there's so much more to the
world than just making money. And the reason why I
say that is because you know, people say it's the time.
You know, money ain't doesn't solve happen, it's money to

(40:56):
bring you. Oh that's a rich people saying No, that
is a fact, because because when I was broken poor
and I was playing football, football, and I was making
a lot of money, I was not happy, that's fact.
And I was ready to leave and people asked me, like,
why you leave football? So you quit football? I was
because I wasn't fucking happy, right, So there wasn't amount
of money that was going to be given to me.
But because my parents made sure that we traveled a

(41:17):
lot and I saw so many different things, I was
able to try things and realize, oh, I love doing this,
and that's how I found my passion. So the only
way you can find your passion passion is to do
some soul searching. Meditate by yourself, go travel by yourself.
I know you have a child. I heard them say
they have a child. Ye go out there and see
playing girl. Yeah, I mean if she is financially stable

(41:38):
enough to do that. That's a really good idea. What
made me think it's funny that you mentioned travel. But
what I was as I was reading her story and
I was thinking about it, I'm wondering, at thirty three,
was there anything that she was exposed to or involved
in as a kid that is like, man, I really
enjoyed when I did that. Like for me, for example,
growing up being in pageants, being on stage, being in
front of the camera, dance competitions, all of those things,

(42:01):
I think if it if I didn't have it naturally,
it kind of just fostered that love for wanting to
be in entertainment and on the stage and in front
of the camera. So for me, that was something that
worked out being a passion of mine where it's just
this is something that I enjoy.

Speaker 2 (42:15):
But I also do feel like her. I can empathize
where I have moments where I'm just like, well, shit,
I just give me the money portion of it, right,
give me the money portion of it, Because I sometimes
have moments like I've been going through and maybe the
past two or three weeks that I was just like, Yo,
what's going on with you? Your and it it's been off,
and I'm like man, I think I'm burnt out. I
think this year really like was a lot with us,
with work and business and transitions and all of that,

(42:38):
to the point where I'm just like, damn, like right
now my peace of mind is superseding my passion for
anything but my family.

Speaker 3 (42:46):
I hear you, but I just think people have to
let me ask you a question. What's what's your passion?

Speaker 2 (42:53):
Like?

Speaker 3 (42:53):
What do you want? Like when people.

Speaker 1 (42:54):
Ask you your mission statement for your life?

Speaker 3 (42:58):
What is your mission statement for your life?

Speaker 2 (43:01):
See? Everything? When I think about that, I really everything
goes back to my family. It goes back to my
four boys.

Speaker 3 (43:06):
In you or do you have a specific mission statement?

Speaker 2 (43:09):
No?

Speaker 3 (43:09):
How old are you?

Speaker 2 (43:10):
I'm forty almost one.

Speaker 1 (43:11):
The reason why I'm asking you that question is because
she at thirty three is saying she don't know yet.

Speaker 3 (43:15):
And my point is everybody doesn't know yet.

Speaker 1 (43:18):
Because Kaylin knew in his twenties doesn't mean everybody has
to know in their twenties. To feel fulfilled, you spend
time in your life searching for the truth, the truth
about the afterlife, the truth about purpose, the truth about passion.
You're in your thirties, the fact that you're seeking something
knows that you're not fulfilled by what you're doing, so
keep searching. But that doesn't mean that you're lost and

(43:38):
you don't know. That just means you have more to
do on your journey.

Speaker 2 (43:41):
And here you hear you know what I'm saying. I
man get that because, like you said, as a forty
year old woman, I'm still some days like that's my point.
What exactly, what exactly makes sense for me? Like what
do I really want to do? Like if God literally
was like kadive right now in this moment, I will
grant you whatever it is that you want, with whoever
it is you want, whatever job you want. It's probably
not going to be a daytime talk show. It's probably

(44:01):
not going to be something on camera. It's going to
be give me a healthy, prosperous life with my husband
and my four boys. That would be it. You know.
So everybody's passion looks different. And I love family. That
is it supersedes everything.

Speaker 3 (44:16):
And listen to what you say. You said long process.

Speaker 1 (44:18):
So you you you prioritize health, Yes, you prioritize longevity,
you prioritize consistency, and you prioritize family. So it seems
as if you do know what you want. I think
some people just can't articulate what it is that they want,
but you do know what you want.

Speaker 2 (44:32):
Or as a woman, we're also conditioned to feel like
you need to do all the things. You need to
have the career, and you need to have all these
things able to be able to be deemed successful. And
then you have women who are just like I don't
want a family. I want the career and the passion,
and that's where my passion.

Speaker 1 (44:50):
But why do people have to create their ideas of
what success is based on other people's ideologies condition to do?
But that, to me is the first part. If you're
really seeking, like your your purpose for yourself, you have
to look inward, right, why do I care what society
says about how I'm supposed to be successful if that's
your sole purpose? Oh not purpose, If that's the impetus

(45:10):
of your thoughts. Your impetus of your thoughts is I
have to be able to please, appease or please society.
You're always going to feel like this young lady here.
You have to find it within yourself to say I
like this for me, I'm gonna.

Speaker 2 (45:24):
Do it and not be worried about what everyone else
may be thinking. Yeah, yeah, essentially, good luck to you, sis.
I pray you find purpose and become the purpose full entrepreneur.

Speaker 3 (45:36):
Do we have time for the second one on?

Speaker 2 (45:38):
I think we might.

Speaker 3 (45:39):
How are we doing on time trouble? Oh?

Speaker 2 (45:44):
Perfect, you read this? I read a second number two.

Speaker 3 (45:49):
Hey, Kadeen and Deval. I'm going to start off like
the rest of your listening letters.

Speaker 1 (45:52):
I love y'all down, thank you so much, and DVO,
I know you hate this, but you're a couple. I
do hate it, but I appreciate y'all, and I do
hear what y'all are saying as far as a couple goals.
Y'all are not saying that we are a couple goals,
but the way that we communicate with each other and
we work together is a goal that they aspire for
their selves.

Speaker 3 (46:08):
So I'll receive that.

Speaker 2 (46:10):
Sorry, we'll start leaning into that.

Speaker 1 (46:11):
I'll stop saying that I hate it because I understand
you guys are making it very clear.

Speaker 3 (46:15):
So we appreciate y'all.

Speaker 1 (46:16):
I'm constantly trying to get my man to listen to
your podcast with me, because anything y'all talk about is
always a good conversation.

Speaker 3 (46:21):
Starter.

Speaker 1 (46:22):
But let me get to the point of my letter.
I'm thirty eight, my man is thirty four. We've been
together for seven years, and this is the longest rate
relationship either of us have have been in. I had
a son prize to our relationship, but he's been in
his life since he was five. He just turned thirteen.
We have two boys together, four and two, so three
boys I look up to y'all, but I cannot go

(46:43):
for the fourth. So when we first started dating, I
really didn't have a goal of marriage because I had
been in some shitty relationships and just kind of adopted
the mentality that it would be easier to walk away
from a relationship than a marriage. But close to our
second year of dating, I started to change my thought
process because I knew this was my person I like,
like I said previously, this is the longest relationship either

(47:05):
of us have been in been in, and marriage was
never something he aspired to have because he never seen
a successful marriage. You know, it's funny. I talked about
this on another podcast earlier. People were saying, like, you know,
there's some comments. Was just like, you know, I watched
the violence coadean stuff, but it just seems fake. And
I said to the young lady that was interviewing me,
I said, you have to understand where someone's coming from.

(47:27):
Imagine growing up your whole entire life and you've never
seen a healthy marriage or relationship, and it here comes
somebody on a screen that says they're doing it this way.

Speaker 3 (47:37):
Yeah, I wouldn't believe them neither. You know what I'm saying, Like,
I haven't seen it.

Speaker 2 (47:40):
Yes, So I understand why people like that too, because
it's like that's probably coming from a place of like
hurt too, you know, like I never really got to
experience it, so it has to be fake.

Speaker 1 (47:48):
Yeah, But the couple, but the past couple of years,
he's made comments more than I have about marriage and
calling me his future wife.

Speaker 3 (47:55):
I liked, I love that, but he still has yet
to propose.

Speaker 1 (47:58):
I'm starting to get a little annoyed, and I'm not
sure if I even want to want it anymore, because
I'm starting to feel like he's just dangling in my
face and that he's making the comments to keep up
keep me content with the idea that it's going to
happen soon.

Speaker 2 (48:12):
Want to get married.

Speaker 3 (48:13):
Fact, so that don't make no sense.

Speaker 1 (48:14):
But Hey, listen, man, I never want to seem like
I'm giving him an ultimatum, but I also don't appreciate
him saying things like, oh, I almost told them your
last name is blank, but it's not. It's not on
your ID yet, or acting like he was about to
propose on my most recent birthday as fucked up.

Speaker 3 (48:34):
You know.

Speaker 1 (48:35):
So I feel about the fake proposal, even the name
chase thing. But do I ask him to stop saying
things altogether if he's not going to do it? Do
I just ignore him? What do you think I should do?
I've told him I don't need the grand gesture and
I don't need the most expensive ring. I barely want
a wedding, So I'm not sure if he's waiting on
the perfect moment I'm confused now, or if he's just

(48:55):
being the procrastinator.

Speaker 3 (48:57):
So do she want to get married or not? Because
right now it seems like she wants to get married
like she does.

Speaker 2 (49:03):
Now.

Speaker 1 (49:04):
Yeah, that's another story on another day about the procrastination.
I know everyone's journey is different, but I'm getting annoyed
because we built a life together and are still building
so I don't understand the hold up.

Speaker 3 (49:14):
I need some advice.

Speaker 2 (49:16):
Okay, So first of all, you want to get married
is the first thing.

Speaker 3 (49:23):
Clearly she wants to get married, but she wants you want.

Speaker 2 (49:25):
To get married, right And even though you have not
or he has not seen any successful marriage, you guys
aspire to be married. In terms of him going back
and forth, I'm not sure what that is, if he's
trying to catch you off guard or not. But one
thing that vou did tell me, and I've learned from
a lot of men in our lives and things you know,
guys in passing, is that men always have a plan
and they always know when they're going to.

Speaker 1 (49:45):
Do it, not not knowing men no no, no, no no, no, don't.

Speaker 2 (49:48):
Don't don't do that all is a very strong one
who I've spoken to and included said that men, good goodness,
good men who have good intentions, yes, a plan, who
have a plan for your future as a collective, they
essentially know how they're trying to roll things out, whether
it's saving money for ring, saving money for a potential wedding,

(50:11):
saving money for a life.

Speaker 3 (50:13):
Yeah, you know, so there's.

Speaker 2 (50:14):
A possibility there that that's what he's doing. Now. I
think it's worth if anything, a conversation to say, hey, babe,
like you've been teasing me a little bit, like what's
going on here? Are you really wanting to get married?
Are you really thinking seriously about this proposal? And a
girl just sit tight.

Speaker 3 (50:30):
Tight because you said you wouldn't want to get married before.

Speaker 2 (50:37):
So maybe he's warming up to the marriage idea, or
maybe this is his way of finding out, giving little
jokes to see how you would react to it.

Speaker 1 (50:44):
So let's let's remember we talked about understanding your partner
in history, right she said she's never seen a healthy marriage.
He's never seen a healthy marriage, So if he's considering
getting married, he doesn't even know how to ask you.

Speaker 3 (50:59):
Maybe the Joe is a way. I almost said your
last name was Ellis. But you know it's not.

Speaker 2 (51:04):
Just to see if you like what you might say,
because if you.

Speaker 1 (51:07):
Say that, then maybe he's like, yo, she do want
to get married? Or you say it could be Yellis
and you like, I ain't marrying you? That he know
not to propose, you know what I'm saying, Like, maybe
he's trying to figure it out because she already said
he doesn't know how to be exact in a relationship.

Speaker 3 (51:21):
And they both don't.

Speaker 2 (51:22):
And his intent maybe to gauge, you know, temperature check
how you're feeling, but it's impacting you in the wrong way.

Speaker 3 (51:30):
That's way because now.

Speaker 2 (51:31):
Like now, I'm frustrated and I don't know what he's
doing because he's not he's not being straightforward with me.
But a serious conversation.

Speaker 3 (51:38):
Crazy is she.

Speaker 1 (51:39):
Went from not wanting to ever get married right to
him making a joke to her now wanting to marry
somebody else. How you went from not wanting to be married,
so now he made a joke and now you're just
ready to marry now, she said, I didn't want to
give him an ultimatum, but he needs to hurry up.

Speaker 2 (51:55):
What what like the ultimatum? I gave the vow, which
he says an ultimatum, and it wasn't an ultimatum, but
he took it as such.

Speaker 3 (52:03):
Shit or get off the pot is like literally an ultimatum.

Speaker 2 (52:06):
But I did not say that. Okay, I told you
I was moving back to New York so that way
I can pursue my career, and.

Speaker 1 (52:14):
Because you wasn't my wife, you would have to move on.
If that's an ultimatum, No.

Speaker 2 (52:19):
It was telling you to get. You decide what gets
the impactful and intentional simultaneously, sir, So let me ask question.
At least you knew what she wanted to do after that,
Because here we are, let.

Speaker 3 (52:34):
Me ask a serious question, all right.

Speaker 1 (52:37):
If a young lady asked Jackson, Jackson, Look, they've been
dating for a while, and Jackson is playing some things
and he's trying to get some things in order, and
she says, look, Jackson, I'm leaving. I'm moving back to
my hometown to figure it out because you take it
too long. Would you take that as an ultimatum or
say I didn't say you.

Speaker 2 (52:53):
Were taking too long.

Speaker 1 (52:54):
Then you literally said to me, I'm not going to
be your living girlfriend.

Speaker 3 (52:59):
You have to make a decision or I'm moving on.

Speaker 2 (53:02):
No, I didn't say I was moving on in life.
I said I was moving back to New York my career.
You could have came and find me in New York
if you wanted to.

Speaker 1 (53:11):
So what you're saying it was you was you also
you still wanted to be in a relationship. You just
wanted to be in a relationship long distance because I
hadn't proposed yet.

Speaker 2 (53:18):
No, I wanted to know what you were serious about doing,
and in the meantime, while you were figuring it out,
I wasn't gonna be stagnant in Detroit. I was gonna
go to New York to pursue my career. Get out
my camera, Get out my camera.

Speaker 3 (53:32):
Came you don't want to take no accountability for this ultimatum.
She gave me.

Speaker 2 (53:38):
Ultimatum. You can call it an ultimatum. It was me
moving forward with the plans I had for my career
because I felt like I had invested enough time in
Detroit not doing anything.

Speaker 1 (53:47):
So you saying to me you didn't want to be
my living girlfriend and you was moving on doesn't make
that appear like an ultimatum.

Speaker 2 (53:54):
You gotta say the whole thing. I was moving, not
moving on from you. I was moving back to New
York to pursue my career. And you could have came
and got me in New York, and you could have
moved back to New York once you were done with
the football and stuff, and then we could have continued
our relationship.

Speaker 5 (54:07):
Then, no matter how you spun it, it was I'm
leaving because of my own personal reasons, and you either
get with the program or you come with me.

Speaker 3 (54:20):
Was that not what it was?

Speaker 2 (54:22):
Yes, it was.

Speaker 3 (54:23):
Does that not sound like an ultimatum? People? Can we
not do this?

Speaker 2 (54:28):
Like? Like, can we not do back away from my camera?
Thank you? I pretty much knew that I needed to
move on with my career because I was sitting in
Detroit with you, being of service to you when I
was not even your wife. Yet I had put in
some years.

Speaker 3 (54:45):
Okay, you'd only want to put in years. I didn't
put in no years.

Speaker 2 (54:48):
Yeah, but you were also pursuing your career, so why
can I pursue mine?

Speaker 3 (54:50):
But I was also acting as your husband.

Speaker 1 (54:52):
I was paying all of your bills, I was paying
for your car, I was buying your clothes.

Speaker 3 (54:57):
Absolutely I was.

Speaker 1 (54:59):
I was doing all the things that a husband was doing, right,
But you just said you put in years like you
was doing stuff a wife was and I wasn't.

Speaker 2 (55:06):
No, at that time, I was getting pressure from my parents.
What's going on with your career? What's going on with
your reason?

Speaker 1 (55:14):
The reason why you gave me an ultimatum? Don't say
it wasn't ultimatum, but it was. Look, Deval, I'm leaving
you either proposed or you come back to New York
with me, because I'm not gonna be your.

Speaker 2 (55:27):
Could have came to New York and propose the New
York like you did.

Speaker 1 (55:30):
You're right, you're right, But either way, that's an ultimatum.
When you tell someone I'm leaving or do this, that
is an ultimatum.

Speaker 3 (55:36):
Now.

Speaker 1 (55:36):
I know women have, you know, trouble, like with things
like accountability. I get that, but come on, like, we
got people who'll be watching us that you gotta be honest. Bro,
you can't tell that woman like you literally said to
at the end of the thing, sit tight, hold your horses.

Speaker 3 (55:55):
You told her that I was sitting tight.

Speaker 2 (55:56):
It's what I would have been, sitting tight in New
York pursuing my career.

Speaker 1 (56:00):
All right, all right, you know what this is this
Watch growth, Watch growth, watch growthod you got it, babe.

Speaker 2 (56:10):
See my intent to let you know I was going
back to New York.

Speaker 3 (56:12):
Didn't.

Speaker 2 (56:13):
I didn't think it was impacting you as an ultimatum.
I was just letting you know what my plan was
for my career.

Speaker 3 (56:18):
The impact is definitely an ultimatum.

Speaker 1 (56:20):
It was an ultimatum, pack all right, it was, and
it was because it impacted me in a way where
I was like, shit, I'm about to lose her.

Speaker 3 (56:26):
I ain't trying to lose this, so let me get
on my horse.

Speaker 1 (56:29):
So I proposed, I personally don't think all ultimatums are bad.
I don't, but I do think if you're giving someone
ultimate an ultimatum without providing them with a way to
you know what I'm saying, like, I think that that's bad.
I will still staying ten toes down with the fact
that you gave me an ultimatum.

Speaker 3 (56:48):
You're not gonna talk me off of that. That's the
hell I'm willing to die on.

Speaker 2 (56:51):
That's fine, but my heels, I.

Speaker 1 (56:53):
Will say, you were never wishy washy. The problem with
me with ultimatums is that people be wishy washy. For example,
I don't really want to get married. I don't know
about relationships. I haven't seen healthy relationships. D He better
hurry up because I'm getting tired. You know what I'm saying.
It's like you can't give someone an ultimatum or say
you don't. You were very clear, you said, Nigga, I

(57:15):
want to be married. I don't want to be your
living We knew that was.

Speaker 2 (57:19):
Always that was always my trajectory.

Speaker 3 (57:20):
When it came to you it's still an ultimatum.

Speaker 2 (57:23):
All right, y'all. I don't like that ultimatum, y'all. I
gave the an ultimatum. I can't even say with a
straight face because it's not accurate anyway.

Speaker 1 (57:35):
We're gonna take you. We're gonna ask this at the
end of the at the end of the episode, sure will.

Speaker 2 (57:40):
I want you to come here and tune in and
they can give.

Speaker 1 (57:44):
Us let's go when we come. We come out of
this after show. We're talking about ultimates ultimat after show.

Speaker 2 (57:50):
If you want to be featured as a future listening letter,
be sure to email us at dead as Advice at
gmail dot com.

Speaker 3 (57:56):
That's D E A D A S S A D
V I C E at gmail.

Speaker 2 (58:01):
All Right, moment of true time Today, we're talking impact
versus intent, particularly when it comes to familial relationships and
going into the holidays and what that's going to look
like for everyone. Because I know that there's people who
experience a lot of anxiety around this time of year
for a number of reasons when it comes to family,
but particularly having to gather together. So what's your moment

(58:22):
true Because you have some of you right, you were
feeling it in that already papers.

Speaker 1 (58:27):
If you're on your way driving to work, don't write
this down, just listen to it.

Speaker 3 (58:30):
You listen back, all right.

Speaker 1 (58:32):
The thin line that exists between creating a boundary or
extending a grace exists with intent. That's how you decide
whether you're going to give grace or create a boundary.

Speaker 2 (58:45):
That's a bar in, a thin line between boundary and grace.

Speaker 1 (58:50):
Is intent is intense. If you can, if you can
use discernments to decipher whether that person was being truthful
and genuine about their feelings and how they were going
to deal with you, extend grace. If that person was
being manipulative and malicious and was trying to hurt you,
create a boundary. It's all about the intent as long

(59:11):
as you can use discernment to figure it out. Create
grace or give grace. I mean, create a boundary or
give grace. Here's the crazy part. If you can't discern
create a boundary, think about it. If you sit down
with this person, you're like, I don't know if this
person is being intention on something, I'll create a boundary.

Speaker 3 (59:30):
If I don't know, boundary create.

Speaker 2 (59:32):
You know what's funny? That kind of made me think
of what I was going to say, and for me,
my moment of truth was like, at some point in life,
you reach the point where you realize that the family
that you exist in is sometimes that nuclear family that
you created, and sometimes it's okay to protect your peace
and not have to cater to and run behind everybody

(59:55):
in what they facts.

Speaker 3 (59:56):
Facts.

Speaker 2 (59:57):
That's true, because like that's true what you said, and
the point of this episode. Of course, we're always going
to err on the side of being the bigger person,
or at least trying to be the person the foster
that communication between relationships, whether it's you know, romantic relationships
or family relationships. But sometimes you reach a point where
you realize, like some relationships ran its course, and that's okay,

(01:00:19):
you know what I'm saying with family members, even because
as you get older. One thing that I've realized as
I got older, just because someone is an actual family
member meaning aunt, cousin, you know, grandparent, it doesn't negate
the fact that maybe y'all don't see the eye to eye.
Maybe that's just not a person that you would even
converse with or hang with on a regular basis because

(01:00:40):
you just have a difference of opinions you don't stand
for the same things, and realizing that that's okay, yeah.

Speaker 1 (01:00:46):
No one's entitled to your time, that's okay yeah, or
your space or your energy, right, and you're not. You know,
you're not entitled to anyone else's so you got to
recognize that too. You may be on the receiving end
of that from someone and have to say, you know what, you.

Speaker 2 (01:00:58):
May exactly just go out gracefully, don't give no ultimatums
and nothing. Just say hey, you got it.

Speaker 1 (01:01:06):
You can give me ultimatum, I'm gonna remove me, or
you can give an ultimatum and call it something very different.

Speaker 3 (01:01:12):
People tend to do that at times too, all right,
just so you know.

Speaker 2 (01:01:16):
Shut us a valve anyway. Be sure y'all to find
us on Patreon to see exclusive Deadass podcast video content,
as well as Ella's family content and behind the scenes.
You can also find us on social media at dead
Ass the podcast, I'm Kadena, I Am.

Speaker 3 (01:01:33):
And I Am Devo.

Speaker 1 (01:01:34):
And if you're listening on Apple podcasts, be sure to rate, review,
and subscribe, and make sure you pick up your copy
of We Over Me. The Counterintuitive Approach to getting everything
you want out of your relationship.

Speaker 2 (01:01:44):
Dead Ass, Baby.

Speaker 1 (01:01:47):
Got dead Ass is a production of iHeartMedia podcast Network,
and it's produced by Donor, Opinia and Triple Follow the
podcast on social media at dead Ass the Podcast and
never miss a Thing

Speaker 2 (01:02:02):
Snack at