The Birth of Dakota

Baby E4, Dakota Marley Ellis is here and the Ellises are savoring each moment with him as he starts to make his mark in the world. In this episode, Khadeen and Devale share their experience giving birth at home to their fourth whole boy. Dead Ass.  

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Maybe what's up? We got four whole boys? Isn't that crazy?
I never thought that I could be so in love
with a little boy the fourth time around dead As. Hey,
I'm Cadine and we're the ellis Is. You may know

(00:22):
us from posting funny videos with our boys and reading
each other publicly as a form of therapy. Wait, I'll
make you need derby most days. Wow. And one more
important thing to mention, we're married. We are. We created
this podcast to open dialogue about some of life's most
taboo topics, things most folks don't want to talk about

(00:43):
through the lens of a millennium married couple. Dead as
is the term that we say every day. So when
we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts, the truth,
the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Were about
to take pillow talk to a whole new level. Dead
Ass starts right now. My baby over here to my life,

(01:06):
delivered all three boys on week thirty seven, so she
and I are planning mode with everything we have going on.
Just new the coda was gonna come at week thirty
seven or less us, so Kadina and I flew out
the crew here to make sure we captured everything, flew

(01:29):
our family in here. We had t Kia come to Cary, come,
everybody caming around week thirty six. We're getting towards the
end of week thirty seven and the Code is looking
at us through the belly button like, nah, bro, I
ain't coming on your time. And I remember Josh, who
captured everything for us, was like, bro, I gotta leave tomorrow.

(01:50):
You know what's gonna happen. And I'm like what He's like,
as soon as I leave, the Code are gonna come.
Same thing. I said, you know what happened. Josh got
on the plaine the minute he landed in New York.
Kay woke up that next morning tapped me and said, Baby,
I'm wanting broke. I was like, damn, that was so annoying.

(02:16):
It was so for a karaoke baby. Yes, I think
it's the most appropriate song. You think that everybody knows
that we should sing what happy birthday to hey, Happy birthday,
Happy birthday, Happy birthday to hey, Happy birthday to hey,

(02:42):
Happy birthday, Happy birthday, birth happy bir to you to

(03:05):
go to happy birthday boo. Yes, So before we get
started with this full birthday day, we're gonna take a
quick break, pay some bills. We'll be right back back.
This episode, we're going to dedicate this entire podcast to

(03:26):
walking y'all through the birthday process for Dakota. Absolutely, I
think it's only right. I mean, we've done this entire
season documenting our pregnancy with Dakota and talking about all
things baby and preparation and all that stuff. So now
that he's here and I'm in the right frame of
mind to actually reflect and tell you all about the day, um,

(03:47):
I think it'd be cool to get both of our
perspectives of what was happening um in that moment, because,
like Dvo said, we were waiting for him. I thought
for sure that he was going to probably be the
one that came sooner, mainly because it's my fourth baby,
so you figured the fourth time around, my body pretty
much knows exactly what to do. I was feeling things

(04:09):
down there as of week thirty four, thirty five, and
I kept saying to the vel listen, I just want
to get thirty six weeks at least, because a Taqia,
my midwife, would be here by then and I ain't
trying to have no baby without her. I love you
to death. Babe, but I needed her here too, Okay,
that my sister, your mom, Josh, and Matt, like the crew,

(04:30):
everybody was coming into town. So I just wanted to
make it there and then also to like thirty six weeks.
I know that he would have been fully viable. Thirty
seven is even better, um, but I didn't want him
to be born and then they'd potentially be a reason
for us to be in the hospital and things like that.
So well, but speaking on that though, at week thirty four,
when you started to feel things, you know what we
did that we didn't do for any other child. But

(04:52):
we slowed down because I remember you saying that you
start to feel things. So I ultimately just put Cadine
on bed rest because we wanted to wait, and I
was like, yo, this is your fourth child, we don't
want him to fall out early. So she was in
the bed a lot more. She had stopped working out,
and she was just like, let's just try to get
him to thirty seven weeks. So I feel like in turn,

(05:12):
that kind of slowed down the process a little bit
even more because for all other YEA, for Jackson, you
were working the entire time for kir and Cash you
worked out, you were spinning, and you were walking and
lifting waste the entire time, and then they both came
right at thirty seven weeks. So I think when we
stopped those two weeks prior, it kind of slowed down
the process. Or it could have just been to Coda
trolling all of us and just pretty much being like,

(05:34):
I'm the last one, so I'm gonna let you get
the biggest and the most uncomfortable and the most swollen,
because at the very end, like there's like a swelling
that tends to happen to women at the very very
end about there is swelling that happens. I know, your
ladies know what I'm talking about, if you've had baby
or something that I don't know, you don't know, like
you you were swell a little bit with it, like

(05:55):
a particular swelling that tends to occur at the very
end in the entire body when it's about to be time.
And for me, I didn't really have that before, but
with Dakota, I definitely like my hands I never had
to take off and I had I had to take
my wedding. I was like, there were things that were
happening that I was like Okay, it's about to be time,
but it ain't time yet. So thirties thirty eight weeks

(06:16):
on the dots on the dot. So Josh and Matt
were in town as of week thirty seven. I even
had Josh changing his schedule and all sorts of things around.
He was shooting a wedding out here in Georgia. I'm like,
shoot the wedding, but come back here because I feel
like it's going to happen any minute now. And um literally,
I said to Josh, because he couldn't stay in long,

(06:38):
I couldn't hold him postage any longer. I was like, damn, bro,
I said, I know the minute you leave, the baby
is going to come. So there were so many things
that I was trying to do that week that they say,
we'll have the baby come faster. Did you damn eggplant, eggplant, parmesan,
all things eggplant. It didn't work. Let me tell you

(06:59):
how this. This is how bad Coude wanted to get
this baby out. The last two months of our of
your pregnancy. You were like super anti intimacy, Like you
just at a point where he's like, I don't want
nobody to touch me. You was you were swollen in
places like your feet were swollen, and you were just like,
I just don't feel like nothing. I was just like, baby,

(07:20):
want me cut you. She was like, now I don't know.
Once we got to the end of thirty seven. Now
she's looking at me. She's making these fake batty eyes.
She's just like she's thinking me when sucking some boobies,
like what I heard that that would help. But first
of all, I didn't even sexy. It ain't even it
ain't even like she was like, hit, baby, come when
I want you. She ain't. She wasn't even lie and
say you want to suck on some boobies. And I

(07:41):
was like, what's what's that gonna do? I hear that
sounds like so now you just want me from my body.
So of course I took one for the team and
I obliged on boobies, and then nothing was happening. Nothing
was happening. So I also want to get the egg
plant from this rest right out here that they say
if you eat the egg plant parmesan within forty eight hours,

(08:03):
you're going to labor, which actually happens for me thirty
six hours after eating it. But the water broke. There
was a combination because you ate the eggplant. We did
it doggie style, uh nipple stimulation. He was bouncing on that,
damn uh yoga forever. I also drank the red raspberry

(08:24):
leaf tea with Time in it, so I don't know
if that happened, because Time was what I popped into
the tea at the very last minute. And then he
came the next so it was probably you know what.
Maybe the Dakota was like, you know, I'm ready to
come out. I'm gonna be honest. They don't be working.
It's just when the baby want to come. The baby
want to come, and I ain't gonna lie to you.

(08:44):
After doing all of those things, I just got to
a point where I was just like, yo, I'm going
to bed and one day I'm gonna wake up and
she's going telling me the water broke. I just knew
that that's how it's gonna happen. And and so said,
so done. I remember Monday, sleeping fully, finally getting some sleep,
and then you, you know, you tell me she's The

(09:04):
funny thing is Cadee. She'd be trying like not to
be nervous and trying to be cool because she had
been planning this the whole time she touched me man man,
and I was like, well, what's up? And and from
week thirty six on, every time she touched me or
she called me saying babe, I thought her water broke.

(09:25):
I would like the baby's head, baby saying. And she
was just like, my water, my water broke. So I
was like yeah, I grab my phone. I was like, yeah,
my water broke. And I'm looking at her and I'm like,
why are you nervous? And she was like, I don't know.
I wasn't ready. I thought I was not. You don't understand.
It's like a It's like a build up, you know,

(09:47):
Like I'm just like, yeah, I could do this, I
could do you know. You talk to yourself mentally, you
kind of give yourself up for It's like a game day,
you know what I mean. You get prepared and then
when it finally happens, and when the whistle blows, it's
like damn, like this is about to happen, Like there's
one way out, this one way out. So I'm gonna
get a little bit serious for a minute, because everything
is always jokes and funding games with us, but I'm

(10:10):
going to express some things to you. Now that I
didn't express before first is that I was scared, right
because we we're having this baby. We've had every child
a week thirty seven, and for me it was like, okay,
since we had in a week thirty seven and not

(10:32):
closer to week forty. All of our children have been small,
so maybe it was easy for you to push and
get the baby out because all of our kids were
small around six pounds, you know, one close to seven,
but all of them around mid six pounds. Cairo was
even five pounds five thirteen. So once we passed the
thirty seven week mark, I was like, man, Dakota is bigger.

(10:56):
I wonder if that's going to be an issue. Then
you know, all of the doubt started to creep in
about whether or not we were doing things the right
way because you are older. So then I was just like,
I really just want to focus on you having a
healthy childbirth and labor and the code of being healthy

(11:17):
and born. That's all I was worried about, because also
we were dealing with you getting COVID in the first
trimester of having the code and having to be on
blood thinners well a baby aspirin for your entire pregnancy.
So now I'm worried about bleeding if it's an issue,
if the coda is going to be big and you
might tear, is bleeding going to be an issue? These

(11:37):
are the things that we're going through my mind the
week of the thirties seven going to thirty eighth, and
I was just like, I hope he comes before week
forty because I don't want you have to deal with
those things. And I never expressed them because to me,
it was like I didn't want to bring any stress
or any any negative thoughts to you. But those were
really going through my mind at the time. Now I can,
I can. I guess we can both say we were
both feeling the same things, but not I guess, not

(12:00):
trying to scare each other because I had the same
apprehensions too, which is one of the reasons why when
I had the conversation with our midwife ahead of time,
letting her know that, you know, she was pretty much
concurrently I was seeing her along with an O, B,
G N. And she knew that I was on the
baby aspirin, and I asked her if that would be
an issue, and me feeling confident um with her and

(12:20):
being in her care, she told me that that wasn't
going to be an issue. I felt the same way.
So I was like, Okay, if Takia said that I'm
good being on this baby aspirin, We're fine. Bleeding won't
be an issue. But there's always the you never know.
Takia being here is the only reason why I felt comfortable,
because if it wasn't with Ta Kia, I wouldn't have
done this home birth with any any of the I
trusted her absolutely more than I trusted anything else. Absolutely,

(12:43):
as long as she made us feel good, I felt good,
right right right, Well, can you explain to them about
the why you had to take the baby aspirin and
with COVID and the spike poaching. I remember the details,
but yeah, it was one of those things. Early on
when I found out I was pregnant, um I had
COVID when I was to really happen simultaneously. I must
have gotten pregnant and had COVID literally at the same time.

(13:04):
So the minute I got over COVID, found out I
was pregnant and then had to go into the doctor.
After quarantining and then then getting a negative test, they
did all the blood work. So naturally, at thirty if
you're over thirty five, they're doing an extensive panel of
blood work on you, much less just regular pregnancy blood work,
So they're testing your blood and they're also testing um

(13:25):
for the baby aftermalities, things like that. So in doing
this entire panel, they came to find out that the
spike proteins were elevated in my blood and um. The
cardioiplin level was also elevated, so that was going to
potentially cause um clouding issues with my blood and that
would in turn make me more prone to um stroke,

(13:48):
heart attack, um you know, blood clots, and also to
possible placenta issues and blood flow issues, which is important
for people to know because these are things that they
don't speak to us as black parents, black moms. Right.
For example, people who have sickle cell anemia or the
sickle cell anemia traite have higher complications with COVID. No

(14:09):
one's talking about it. We know what. I've done research
and I've spoken to people because you have the sickle
celling trait and two of our boys, Hiro and Cats
have the same trait. So once we found out about
the spike protein, I started to look at the different
ways and how COVID was going to affect people with
sickle cell and I realized that that's one of the

(14:30):
things that happened. Yeah, a lot of similarities that tend
to happen if you're, like you said, exposed to the
trait um. And also too, they tested me for other
autoimmune diseases as well too, because there are also some
similarities in the I guess what you can see in
a person that has even syphilis, you know, you get
a false positive for syphilis because there are some of

(14:51):
the same you know, attributes that they happened from COVID
from COVID. Yeah, and it was just things that people
are still finding out now to this day. And these
are tests they don't do on people who are not pregnant.
No for example, So I, you know, I had COVID
as well, and no one did my blood tests, so
we don't know what are going to be the effects
of the blood work. And then it wasn't until we
spoke as the KIA, and the KIA said, typically when

(15:13):
your body is fighting off infection or fighting off viral
infections in particulars, when you get the spike protein right,
So you know, these are things that they said will
go away once the virus is gone. But once this
alarms your doctor in the early part of the pregnancy,
now this is something that they're watching, especially with you
being considered geriatric because being over exactly, so everything is heightened.

(15:37):
It's like pregnancy almost put your body under like a
mini stress test, if that makes sense. So anything that
potentially may arise at some point may rear its ugly
head and pregnancy to kind of give you an alert, like, hey,
you want to be you know, on the alert for
something like this. UM. So I was in great care
um with an O B G y N and also
getting sonograms done every month just to sure that dacode

(16:00):
it was growing nicely, that my PERCENTO was working as
it should, that there was accurate blood flow, that he
was gaining weight, that my amniotic fluid was good. So
I actually preferred to be on the safe side and
getting this extensive work done the entire time to make
me feel at least a little bit more at ease. Yeah,
with the process um leaving up to birth. But she

(16:21):
pissed off. I'm gonna say this really quickly on my
she pissed me off because she was doing her job
and doing her job well, but for me. Sometimes your
words have so much power that they can cause and
create stress. And when we told her that we were
going to do a home birth, her first thing was,
why would you do that? Yeah, and when in Georgia.

(16:42):
Now we're not in New York because in New York
medicine is a little bit more liberal. So when we
spoke about O. B. G Y and then she was like,
you're a perfect candidate for home birth because your second
child came with ease, you didn't have any issues, you
didn't tear. She gave me her bless You gave your
bless long as you find someone that you're comfortable with
and that's a professional, you know. Um, but yeah, this
O kind like that. She was totally not Yeah, she

(17:05):
was not with any of my ships when it came Yeah,
which I completely get. And now that I'm learning more
about how, um, how midwives potentially you know, how they
function out here in Georgia, you know, there's also a
disconnect theater. There's a very huge difference between between midwives
and O. B. Y. N noticed that over the last
couple of weeks exactly, and even just within different states,

(17:26):
the regulations and the rules are just completely different way
to Kia. It was even you know, surprised at some
things that they did here that she wasn't accustomed to.
So um. So yeah, that leading up to that, I
was definitely a little bit more nervous. Having to Kia
and having reassured me, I think was the biggest thing
that had me at ease. Um And even though I
would you know, the doctor gave me her rundown, it

(17:48):
was like, I don't think you should do it. Um,
A little bit of fear started to enter my body
and the kind of what IF's for a moment, and
then I had to kind of rule myself back and say,
Kadeem like, you've never had fear exist sting in your
body when it came to anything, especially dealing with this pregnancy,
So don't do that now, you know. I had to
kind of talk myself off of a mini led real
quick because I just knew and I had confidence in Takia,

(18:12):
had confidence in you and myself that we were going
to make this experience what we planned for it to be.
And of course making sure that we had an emergency
route and we had the you know plan everything, just
making sure that everybody was on board, everybody knew their task.
We had a family meeting, went to Everyone knew their
battle station where they had to man their position, so

(18:34):
everyone knew what was to happen, and God forbid something
were to go wrong, what the next step would be.
Practice driving to the hospital, just to make sure that
we knew the route and everything would have gone smoothly.
So once that water broke and I was like, baby,
I think it's time. It was not well. And here's
a funny thing. When the water broke, now, we were

(18:56):
expecting things to move the same way they moved with
our first two shows in the past, with Cairo and
Kaz Codeine's water broke, they came within six hours, like
they were. They were both like boom, six hours. So
now Codine's water broken, we're liking at the time and well,
it's like okay, so in about six hours, the quota
will be here. Six hours came around. There was no movement.

(19:18):
The contractions has slowed down down completely. I was like,
what in the world, I said, this kid really doesn't
want to get out. You know, it was an early morning.
I got up to use the restroom, um, you know,
kind of waddled over to the bathroom, used it, then
got back in bed, and the minute I laid down,
when my water breaks, on exactly what it feels like.
It feels like there's like an internal like a pop
that happens internally. And I was like, oh my god,

(19:41):
I think my water broke. To myself, I didn't say
anything to the value yet. I said, coadine, if you
stand up and water trickles down your legs, if you
know your water really broke. And I looked at the
time it was six thirty eight in the morning, um,
and the okay, coadin go ahead and stand up girl,
Stand up girl. I had to talk myself into it,
like as if I didn't know. If if I didn't
stand up, it wasn't gonna happen. And I stood up

(20:03):
and so said, so done that warm water sensation trickling
down my legs, and I was like to hew, my
water broke. And then at that point I was like,
all right, we're gonna wait the house because every day
everyone was going to bed with the anticipation of something happening.
But it was a great moment. Though you were smiling.
I was smiling. Gentlemen, I'm gonna say this, you don't
really understand your power and we're gonna talk about it

(20:25):
as we get through the birthing process. You don't understand
your power as a father until you go through labor
and realize how your voice, your presence, and your touch
can control the whole process. And I mean literally control
the whole process. When I got up, even though I
was concerned and worried, the minute she told me how

(20:46):
water broke, all I did was smile. I smiled, I
kissed her, I hugged her, and I watched her go
from nervous to be like, okay, well, this is just
what we do. And then we we woke up. Her
mom was getting Jackson ready for school. We went outside.
It was like perfect time because Jackson was about to
leave for school with twenty minutes, and I was like,
you know what, you could stay. I don't stay because
your brother's coming. Woke your mom up. Your mom almost

(21:07):
like she was so used to waiting every morning she
comes or whatever it will happen when it happens. And
then we told her like you know, these water broken,
and she started jumping up and down and said, okay,
what do we do? What do we do? And then
Jackson was just like can I stay home? And we
were like, of course, of course, So Jackson stayed home,
we kept King Kats home and then we were just
like for me personally, I was like, I know it's
gonna take six hours. There's no reason to rush and

(21:29):
Phil he told them we got time. I woke my
sister up, We woke up everybody but te Kia the
mid We were like, wait a second, we have to
let her know too. And then um, we made breakfast
and we woke my mom up and we chilled for
a little bit. Um started putting on some movies and say, okay,
what's the next what's the next process? But then time
started flying. Yeah, And what I noticed was it went

(21:52):
from being I think it was about six. It was
like six o'clock and Jackson was getting ready for before
I knew it. It was like and I was like,
how you feeling, and you were like nothing, Yeah, I
felt I felt it was strange. I was expecting to
have the progression happened and it wasn't happening. So that's
when to Kia was like, you know what, let's go outside.

(22:13):
So we went outside. I put my sweats on I did.
I was like, all right, come on over. Then where
you know now everything's gonna happen. It was beautiful. It
was a beautiful day. I put my my hoodie on
and I was like, all right, we're gonna do some exercises.
So I was out there doing lunges and spots and
walking and getting some fresh air, just trying to get
a little change of scenery. UM, which was nice to

(22:35):
encourage that UM. And still I didn't feel like much
was happening in that moment. It might have been a
little bit because I was distracted because everyone was there,
But I didn't realize the impact that was happening on
happening on labor and the impact it was happening happening
on my body, because if I wasn't focused, it seems
like labor wasn't going togs, which was strange for me.

(22:56):
That was something very different, well it was. It was
was very different because that didn't happen with the other
two children. And I remember sitting in the room. Then
we finally started putting water in the tub, and my
mom sat there and just held the water over the
TOUB was a mom, you can leave that, but that
was her task. She wanted to do that. And then
I remember feeling in that moment like Okay, everything isn't

(23:18):
going as planned, just like the other two. So then
for me, I was a little bit I started to
get anxiety. I'm like, shoot, it ain't thirty seven weeks
or thirty eight weeks. It's going on all this time
because it's my job to suppress all of my anxiety
and be calm in that moment so that you can
find a place, a sovereign place of peace. When you

(23:41):
look at me, you're the one doing all the work.
You can't be doing all the working, and I'm walking
around like what's happening? So every time you came around,
I was just I was calm, but I really was
thinking like this baby must be bigger. You know you
are older, is longer weeks, like at least all the
things I'm thinking. So that's when I grabbed you and
I was like, hey, baby, let's just walk in the house.

(24:03):
So I remember you know, doing the soldier. Remember we
did the what's it called the was that line? We
need the congoline through the through the house. We went
from the kitchen to the living room to the four year,
to the dining room to the great room, and we
were just walking and as we started to walk. I
noticed the contractions. What's coming every I think two and

(24:25):
a half minutes, No, no minute and a half, about
every minute and a half, but every ninety seconds of
contraction started to come. Okay, move, we're moving. We're moving,
We're moving. But they were like weak contractions. They weren't like,
you know, on the scale of contractions. They were coming,
but they were coming kind of like I was tolerating them.
So I felt like, Okay, maybe it's happening, but it's
just starting to progress, starting to speed up a little

(24:46):
bit more. And then after that, I think that's when
Takia said to us, I think you guys need some
quiet time. I'm gonna get everyone out of the room.
You guys can sit and have lunch together. Um, and
I'm gonna need dad to love on mom and mom
to love on dad. And at first I was like,
don't time for that. That that's how we got that's

(25:07):
how we got here. She's like, well, because that's how
you got here, that's what's going to help to get
him out. And she talked us about oxytosa and how
intimacy or just even touch or just being around your
person can help to progress. Lambor so it's a it's

(25:27):
a real hormone that helps with two things. For for
women it's contractions and also for lactating. So even oxytosen
comes from your child too. That's why when your child
gets on you or you think about your child and stuff,
your boob start to leak. Right before we started today,
Kadeine was sitting here and we started talking about childbirth
and she said, oh, I didn't put on any breastpads, right,

(25:50):
so I'll never forget this. And this is when as
as a as a man, you start to realize your
power in all of these different things. We're sitting in
the room and we're on the two chairs that just
brought in our bedroom, and she just while she was nesting,
and she's looking at me, and I'm looking at her,
and I can tell him in your eyes that you

(26:10):
were nervous. And I smiled, and I was just like,
what's the matter of me while I'm nervous as but
I can't show you something. It's a matter of baby,
and you just like and then the race car for
the last time, the race car cry happening. I don't
know what's going on. So then I pulled you close

(26:30):
because you were sitting on the ball, pulled you close,
and I was like, you know, look at me, look
at me. We had out intimate conversation. I kissed you,
you kissed me. We started making out, and then when
we started making out, then all you did was going
and I was like, well, well what was that. Yeah.
I stood up off the ball at this point and
the contraction, like I felt like, oh, this is active labor,

(26:54):
and it happens almost instantaneously. Within maybe twenty minutes, I
went from like not so much in labor to being like, oh,
shoot and it will come in seconds. Yes, like these
and these were contractions that would stop her in her track. Literally,
she would be talking to me, we would be dancing
and making funny, funny fun doing things, and then all

(27:16):
of a sudden and she was breathing, not moving and
just squeezing me and holding onto me. And then Takia
and Sakari came in to check your vitals, check the baby.
Shout to my sister. She was she was my actually
she was an R and she was an assistant. Yeah
please you know, said my baby sisters in R right now.

(27:38):
So she was actually assisting to Kia, so she wasn't
in sister role. Really, she wasn't in dula role. She
was literally like a nurse role, which was amazing. So
I'm glad she got that experience. So shout out to
Aunti Sakari. Yeah, and then uh, you destroyed that food
other things. Make sure when you're in labor, ladies that

(27:59):
you eat. Yeah, sometimes you can't, depending if you're an
assid and you're on certain medications and whatnot. But I
wanted to eat, and the kid was like, if you
want to eat, better eat. But but think about that, right,
the difference between being in a hospital being strapped to
a bed with an i V and not being able
to move, or not being able to have the intimate
moment with your partner to help have oxytocin help push

(28:22):
labor along. You see what I'm saying. Like, for me,
that's what was the best part about having a child
at home. We could close our sweet doors to our
master bedroom and people can be outside and be comfortable
and relaxed because they're in our home. They can watch TV.
They're not in a hospital waiting room, you know, and
no restriction, no restriction, And they were waiting for us,
and then when the time happened, everybody jumped into action.

(28:45):
But gentlemen, I cannot say this enough. You have a
power to help your wife, your girlfriend, the mother of
your child through labor with love and affection. It may
sound cliche, but it really isn't. It's the truth. Like
love and affection, I'll kissed on you and the kisses
one just okay, let me kiss you because let's make

(29:07):
this baby. I could see in your face that you
were worried. And then we looked at each other and
we started to feel that love again and we started
to make out like kids. And then the baby just
started to be like, all right, I need to get
out of here. I just don't. I don't like any hand.
I want to get out. There were all the love
is and right. That's when the kid came and said,
I think we need to start moving to that tub. Yep.

(29:27):
And that's when I got even more nervous, because then
at this point I know that it's a the point
of no return, be this baby is coming out one
way not or the other one way. And then I
started to I think I started to then think back
to my birth with kas, which I was very calm.
When I look at the footage now from both deliveries.

(29:50):
Super calm with cats. With Dakota, I think I was
anticipating the pain and like what was coming next and
in that moment, and I kind of panicked a little bit.
I feel like when I was in the water, it
was like a panic that I felt like, oh my God,
like I know it's about to happen. I just want
to get this baby out of me. And with each

(30:11):
contraction and with each push, I think I was that
much more just nervous. I think you're harding yourself. I
don't think you panic. You don't think I think you
handled that that pretty well. If I looked at them,
look crazy crazy exhaling and giving a grunt or a

(30:33):
scream while the contraction is coming, while the baby's head
is coming through your vagina. It's not panicking, you know
what I'm saying. That's right, That's that's part of the process.
I mean, you extremely calm um. I remember the water
was very, very hot, and you weren't screaming and cussing
that people. You were just like, it's you know, it's
kind of it's kind of hot, and then you asked

(30:54):
me to get the cool water. I remember leaving your
side for a minute to check one of the cameras,
and you were just like no, no, yeah. I was like,
don't don't you, like, just just stay right here, just
stay right here. I almost took my mom's braids out
at one point because she was to my left and
I was looking for something to grab onto and I

(31:15):
think I pulled her hair. Poor things. Sorry, mom My bad.
She might have a little both spot because of that.
Um yeah, she's yeah her your mom my mom. They
were like literally surrounding the tub. My sister was right
next to Takia. You were right literally behind me the
entire time. Um. It was just a great, great experience. Yeah,

(31:38):
while are you talking about it as I'm just smiling,
because until you've experienced that type of power from a
woman and the power of a village and watching everybody
come together, it's like it's something so divine about it. Absolutely,
it's the way everyone just literally rallied around me. And
I just had at that point when one thing I've
always had was total trust in my body. Like I've

(32:00):
always felt like my body, particularly doing during labor or
just during pregnancy, that my body is not going to
feel me. Um, And in that moment, I just knew
that my body was doing what it was supposed to do,
so and still being a little bit nervous and a
little bit antsy and wanting this baby to come out,
and just being like, oh my god, there's this pain.
It was trusting the process and trusting the pain that

(32:21):
knowing that each time I had a contraction or each
time I felt the urge to push, it was my
body bringing me that much closer to holding the baby.
You know. It was just like, this is like the
grand finale. This is when I'm gonna finally have this
baby in my arms. And can nobody tell me nothing? Okay?
Can nobody tell me nothing now? Because I literally feel

(32:42):
like like I feel like a woman. I feel like
my body did what it was supposed to do and
there was no intervention. I had my husband by my side,
my team of women around me. It was just such
like you said, it was a divine moment, Like God
was over that place. He was all in the room,
all in the water, he was all over it, all

(33:04):
over it. And I feel like having Dakota beautifully born
at home, it's just proof of that. It's just proof
of that. Like he came out and he literally didn't
make a word, he didn't make a sound, he didn't cry,
He just came out and just laid on top of
me like he was just supposed to just like just
be here. It was just it was amazing. It was amazing,

(33:26):
And those are the only moments that made me, for
two point five seconds, I feel like I could do
it again. But now, I mean, what it was was
what it was in that moment, and it was great,
and we have our memories, we have our footage, and
it was just it was great. And I'm gonna I'm
gonna put this out there on the podcast that um,

(33:48):
you're not going to get a birthing vlog. UM. Kadina
and I had made a decision before the Koda got
here that we wanted to keep this memory for us.
We do share a UM, we like to share because
we like to inform people. But we've shared a birthing
vlog with with you guys. We shared a birthing and
we appreciate you guys being a part of our virtual family.

(34:11):
But we had made a decision beforehand that, UM, how
we filmed this time was going to be way more
intimate than the last time. Number one, because I wanted
to be very aware of what's going on. Like I
said before, I didn't want to have to think about
cameras in blog footage while this delivery was happening, because
this is you know, this is four years from kas Um. Also,

(34:37):
I didn't want to have to worry about how you
felt during I don't know how to explain it, but
you don't want me to be conscious of it. I
didn't want you to be conscious. I wanted you to
be fully aware of the moment. Later, see what I'm saying.
Being present in the moment and not being isn't about

(35:00):
where the camera is or which angle is being caught.
I wanted it to be as organic and natural as possible. Yes,
and that's why there's no Vlaut footage. Yeah, sorry, guys,
I just I just wanted this moment moment for us
and our family. And like you said, there's a lot
of things that we do share, UM, there's actually a
lot of things that we don't share, and we make

(35:22):
a collective decision about what that's going to look like
for us, UM and I literally wanted it to be
just what it was. I wanted to be present in
that moment. I wanted to be able to think about
and feel everything that was happening without any interruption, if
that makes sense. Um, Like, I don't want to think
about who was in the room, extra people in the room, um,

(35:45):
recording anything. I really just wanted to live in that moment.
So when I think back to the birth of Dakota,
I can literally feel and smell and hear everything that
had happened. Um amidst the contractions, when those happen, and
you don't hear or think about anything other than, oh
my god, I can't believe this is happening. UM. So yeah,

(36:06):
it was a beautiful experience. The boys were literally right
outside the door with my dad. UM. So the minute
Dakota came out, I had the boys come in to
meet their brother. They were so excited to meet sweet Baby.
That's what Catty has been calling him, sweet baby. Um.
So we've been able to meet baby Broader. We took
some pictures of course. UM. Shout out to Kayla, thank

(36:27):
you for being here on the last minute, because you know,
so we have photos and stuff. Yeah so video, Yeah,
we'll put together a little something so you guys can see,
um probably simultaneously with this this podcast, But as far
as sorry, and it's all it's all here like I

(36:47):
can like case that I can smell and feel and
remember every single thing like I can remember. Isn't it
crazy how social media has like conditioned us so much
to be like so on that that portion of you know, um,
being in the moment or feeling or just heightening senses
um kind of took a back seat for a while

(37:07):
when it came to certain experiences. And then now we
realized the value in those moments. Let me tell you,
God tends to put things in perspective, right, Um, I
wanted to be present for my child's birth. I didn't
want to be in production of my child's birth. Right

(37:28):
you understand what I'm saying. I just wanted to be
present and I felt present, and I feel like and
we're gonna talk about this on the next flog me
on the next podcast. There was a reason why I
felt that way, and it turned out that that reason
was the best reason, because giving birth as the closest
you'll get to death without actually dying. And shout out

(37:52):
to all the moms who have given birth, UM, condolences
to mom's we have lost their lives while giving birth.
Moms who have just given birth and who are dealing
with certain issues after giving birth. Ums. The more children
you have and the money, the more times you watched it,

(38:13):
the real or childbirth gets to you and you respect
that so much where you realize like everything can't be
a production. And um, first of all, I love you, baby,
I love you so much. UM four, he's so perfect, y'all,
y'all have no idea. Man, you'll have no idea. He
is so perfect when you watch such a good baby

(38:36):
too so far and his brothers are so in love
with him, and it's funny. I couldn't even It was
hard for me to I have this moment, these moments
every time I have another kid, Like with Jackson, it
was like, oh my god, this guilty feeling of like
now imposing another child in Jackson's life and having to
divide my time. And then I had the same feeling
after having Cairo and then having casts so soon after.

(38:58):
I was like, oh my god, Cayro as a baby
and I'm bringing another baby in and how dare I
do this to him? Then we have the three boys
and I'm like, oh, but our little trio is so cute.
Now was infiltrate their circle with another kid? What am
I doing? And then you end up having another child
and they fall right into place like as if they
were here the entire time. Um, and it just it's

(39:21):
it's beautiful to see and it's beautiful to watch. He's
an amazing baby. I know. Devil has looked at me
some sometimes and like, you really in love with this baby? Huh,
as if I'm not supposed to be, but I'm just
it's just I don't even nothing. So we can go
to break on that, because that was just the best
description of the feeling of it's like, man, it was perfect.

(39:42):
So it's gonna take a quick break. Guys, We'll be back,
all guys, be back. And even after having or kids,
this is still Conde's favorite part of the show. Adult time. Guys. Okay,

(40:05):
this is my adult time in between breastfeeding and all
the good stuff. All right, So we got listening letters? Cool?
Should I read the first one? That you want to go? First?
Your day is your date? Baby? All right? Do it? Hey? Baby?
All right? Um. Couple couple episodes ago, you guys talked
about providing a safe space, especially for women when it

(40:26):
comes to being a mom and birthing myself and my
significant other both really want to be parents and believe
that this is a part of our legacy. However, I'm
terrified of giving birth. I feel bad expressing this because
people tell me, well, other ladies go through it too,
so you should be okay. And as you mentioned before,
if it was that bad, people wouldn't have multiple kids.

(40:47):
Made me think, hey, that's a good point. As I
still want to be a mother and pray the Lord
blesses me with children. How can I prepare for the pain.
My pain tolerance is low and I hate hospitals. Hearing
you guys talk about birthing at home where you're comfortable
has brought some ideas to my mind, but I fear
I won't be able to face the pain and become
so afraid that it might hinder my thought process of
having birthing a child. I know my man wants to

(41:10):
be a father, and the last thing I want is
last minute to switch things up. My goal is all
due to thinking about the unbearable pain after spending time
and putting effort towards us. I sometimes expressed this and
people say everyone goes through it, so you're fine, But
I feel like that devalues my feelings and doesn't give
me a safe place, safe space to discuss this sin.

(41:32):
I felt the same way. So for you to feel
like yeah, I know, and four babies later for you
to feel like, um, you know this is like you're
you're crazy for feeling this way. You're not. Um. Literally,
every single time that I lead up to birth and
labor and delivery, I get completely nervous and I worry

(41:54):
about the pain. I used to actually think that my
pain tolerance was low, but come to find out, my
pain tolerance is pretty high, which is crazy to me. Um.
One thing that my mad wife told me that really
helped with just my mental space when it came to
dealing with pain. She told me, if I thought of
pain or the contractions as one step closer to me

(42:18):
holding my baby, or one step closer to me being
at the end of labor and delivery, that that sometimes
gives me a little bit of momentum that I need
to keep going, which actually really works. So it's like
it's a in a sense, I welcomed the pain at
the end um although it is pain nonetheless, and it
feels like you're bones are being crushed in your entire pelvis,

(42:40):
but it does make you feel like, Okay, that's one
less contraction that I have to deal with, UM to
then seeing my baby. And if I put this timeline
in perspective for you, a water broke at six thirty
eight in the morning, very light contractions throughout the day.
The last forty five minutes I would say is probably
the worst of it. And the contractions they come and

(43:02):
they go, so you do get a little bit of reprieve,
even though it's not a lot in between them. You
do get a moment to kind of catch your breath.
So it's like a build up. If you think of
the contraction like a hill. You'll feel it coming on,
it'll kind of hit a peak, and then it goes down.
So I wouldn't say that it's a continuous pain that
I felt the entire time. So that's what helped me
with having moments of just having highs and lows, UM,

(43:25):
And that's how I was able to look at the
pain um and look at the process. So it wasn't
as daunting UM, Like you said, It's going to be
pain nonetheless, But that's my mental space that I'm in
when I look at labor and I try to deal
with the pain, um the best that I can. So
I hope that helps because I would love to see
you become a mom and love for your significant other

(43:45):
to be a father and if pain is the only hindrance.
Also too, you have to know that there's options. You know,
there are epidurals that people take, um when you're in
the hospital. You have to be in the hospital for
that though. UM. But just allowing your body to do
what it's supposed to do naturally, I think helps the
process go faster, which I like about the home birthing
process that there's no intervention in your body literally do

(44:06):
does what it's made to do. So good luck to
her on that. Do you have any two cents about
the pain or you can't? Yea attractions like I'm just
not gonna do that. But what I will say for
her significant other, it's his responsibility to create that space
for her, you know. Like there's like I remember one

(44:27):
time in particular, UM, the O B G y N
had you waiting there for a couple of hours and
I called and I said, I will be there in
five minutes because I couldn't at this point, I couldn't
come to the appointments because of COVID regulations, but I
would have blown that whole place up for then making
my wife feel uncomfortable. And I feel like that's where

(44:49):
we have to be as men. We can't have a contraction,
we can't carry a baby, but everything outside of what's
going on in your body is my responsibility. What you eat,
what you drink, where you will, who's around you, where
you have the child, who's your O, B, G, Y N.
It's a man's responsibility to make sure that you have
access to everything you need to be as comfortable as

(45:10):
you have to be during that process. So I don't
have any words for her with how to deal with contractions,
but if I could speak to him, if you want
to ask this woman to have your baby, you better
be prepared to deal with everything. And I'm talking about
everything the mood swings because because this is another thing
that oxytocin, Now that I know about it, I wish

(45:31):
I known about it earlier because that oxytocin could have
been used to earlier in the couple and during the
pregnancy to get you through some moments where you were
feeling down. At times, I felt like you didn't want
to be touched and stuff like that, and I didn't
know what the benefits of it, so I was just
trying to give you what you ask for. But knowing
more now, I would have just knocked down your little

(45:53):
heisman block. And I was like, to come here out
of kisstoring you love you, just to make you feel
when the team was here. It's that or faster too.
And but I didn't know. But this is why we share.
But that's that's his responsibility. And I will say, this
is your first first baby, definitely get with an O, B, G,
Y N that you trust and let them guide you

(46:15):
through the process of whether you're a good candidate forth
candidate and Codeine and I also went through the fact
that um Dacoda was transverse at one point almost transverse,
so we had to do a ton of exercises to
get him to be put into position. It's difficult, yes,
it's difficult. To give birth to a child when they're

(46:37):
breached or transversed or transverse is like impossible as the
basest sideways, there's no way to for the baby to
come out, so that the only result in that is
a C section section. And I was like, oh no,
we did a ton of inversions that we did some
things to to get dacoda in place. But and that's
also a part of it. Like as as your significant other,

(46:58):
your your husband, it's his job to make sure that
everything around the contraction because that's the only thing you
can control and the actual birth he has to control that. Yeah,
the environment is super important and not for nothing. I've
been in a hospital room lately, in the labor and
delivery unit and um, it was very comfortable. I will
say it doesn't It didn't give me that sterile feel

(47:20):
that hospitals typically have. I think that hospitals are working
to try to make them a little bit cozier environments
for when you're having babies. So if that becomes an
option for you, or it needs to be an option, um,
you know, doing like a hospital tour, I think I
had a time would be worth it to see if
it's a space that you feel like you can be comfortable, um,
laboring in and delivering. So good luck to you s this.

(47:40):
I hope everything pans out for you and you guys
are able to create that legacy that you've always wanted.
Number two, my husband and I have been together for
four years, married for two. He is thirty and I'm
just turning. My husband and I have no children. We
are actually trying to become pregnant, but have not told
anyone that we're actually in fact trying. We just say
we're doing our thing, and if it happens, it happens

(48:02):
with me knowing that we're actually trying. I have been
asking pregnancy questions of my husband, my husband's mom, and
my mom, Researching things, watching things, you know, the whole
bit about pregnancy. Just trying to learn what I can
and prepare as much as possible for what my body
could possibly endure. My mom thinks that I need to
leave the talk alone until I become pregnant. My husband's
mom thinks that I'm stressing, in which I'm not. I

(48:25):
just want to learn what I can. I'm a very
curious person to get to the to get to the
real point. I have decided for a long time now
that I want to have a water birth at home.
I want my parents on both sides to be there.
I wanted to be intimate and I want I don't
want the hospital telling me who I can and can't
have around and support of me and my husband's first
baby being born. I live in Oklahoma City and hospitals

(48:46):
are only allowing one person in and not out or
in and out once they're in. My question is do
you think that I should consider having our first baby
in the hospital because it is my first? And do
you think that I am doing too much by researching
home births, researching duelas and midwives, reading and listening to
things about pregnancy experience before I'm actually pregnant. No? Absolutely,

(49:08):
not no, No, getting research and thinking about pregnancy is
just responsible. Absolutely, I think more If more people did
the research ahead of time, we probably wouldn't have as
many people becoming parents because they understand what's entailed. People
like to shame other people for just being different, right,

(49:30):
And this is this is even to moms, right right,
Your mom, my mom, grand mom's. Just because you did
motherhood one way don't mean the next mother do it,
or it doesn't make it to be all that ends alliborhood.
Like the fact that you're asking questions who who else
would you want to ask advice from other than the

(49:52):
two moms closest to your mother and your mother in law.
But for them to shame her about that, come on, Like,
you know what I mean, it is a little man stuff.
I think I think that they should welcome that. I mean,
you should be curious about pregnancy, especially if you haven't
been through it before. And like I said, if more
people did research about it, people might feel like, you
know what, this might not be what it's not what
it is cracked up to be, or this might not
before me. So I think it's actually very responsible if

(50:15):
you actually doing that, especially if you're considering a home birth.
You know, I can't tell you what to do your
first time around having a baby. Should you or should
you not have it in a hospital, because I know
people who have had their first child at home and
everything panned out fine. Um. Personally, I know that if
it was my first baby, I probably would have went
the O B G Y En route just to ensure

(50:36):
that medically I was sound enough to have a home
birth as I wanted to. UM. But I don't think
you can do too much research. I mean, especially with
our first home birth with Cats, I went through the
entire gamut of midwives, birthing centers, um, you know, black midwives.
I looked for everybody I went and dug up their
entire resume. UM, we did interviews. There were so many

(51:00):
things that we did to be able to prepare for
a home birth. This is what I want people to
look up because there's such a stigma around home birtht right,
look up the infant and mother mortality rate for hospitals
versus home bursts, and you tell me which one is higher,
And then say why is there such a stigma around
home burst when people die in hospitals at a higher

(51:21):
rate than they die at home. That's all I'm gonna say.
Just look up the numbers and you tell me. Because
people need to understand too, that America is a business. Right.
There's a business of birth thing. There's a business of death.
There's a business of epidurals. There's a business of c sections, right.
And before hospitals and birthling became a business, people gave

(51:42):
birth at home. How do you think everybody got here?
You understand what I'm saying. So eliminate the stigma when
you do research, because if you go into the research
thinking that this is something that maybe extreme, then you're
going to find things that's gonna seem extreme as opposed
to just doing research and being open minded to what
the possibilities are. And I think that's I mean, that's

(52:04):
that's where we are in America today anyway, because there's
so much stigma with anything. It's either your vacs are
anti vacs, so now they're stigmatizing vaccine people, but then
they're stigmatizing anti vacs when the bottom line is it's
just a choice. You have a choice to do what
you want to do with your body. What if you
think it's sound for you, continue to do as much
research as possible. Um, no question is a dumb question.

(52:27):
I will say having an O B G Y N
that's open minded to the possibility of you having your
own birth would be the best choice because that person
would tell you if you're a good candidate or not.
You see, but don't don't just I'm gonna do this
on my own unless you have the knowledge to do
it on my on your own. That's That's a really good,
really good way to wrap it up. Love that. Love

(52:48):
that all right, And if you want to be a
part of the listener letters, be sure to email us
at s advice at gmail dot com. That's D E
A D A S S A D V I C
E at gmail dot com. Alright, moment of truth time.
Um oh, man, definitely look tired. I feel like I

(53:11):
feel like I'm talking in slow motion. You look great,
You look great. You're just saying that. I literally always
feel like I'm talking in slow motion and my eyes
feel so heavy. All y'all have to excuse me. We're
recording this with three weeks postpartum, and we had quite
the three weeks. But I will say, um, in my
moment of truth, that baby Dakota is worth every sleepless night.

(53:33):
He's worth the cracked, sore nipples. Um, He's worth He's
worth all the things. UM. But like I said, I
was going to come to this in my moment of truth,
I have to thank you for creating a space and
a life and um, oh God, here with the hormones

(53:55):
again and it tears. Um, But you really have, um,
made this last baby And I say that confidently. Um,
this last baby, and this last pregnancy, and this last
labor and delivery experience for us probably the best yet

(54:19):
because you have worked day in and day out and
overnight and around the clock to make sure that I
was comfortable that I didn't want for anything or didn't
need for anything. Um. And if I did, you found
a way to bend over backwards to make it happen,
but all while still being a stellar um father, present

(54:42):
for Jackson, Cairo Kaz, being present for me, being present
for my mom because she's here with us helping out,
and also being a kick ass actor, um, you know,
working on Sisters and all the other shows you did
this summer. Like, I feel like I need to publicly

(55:03):
celebrate you, um, because I know that social media gets
the version of the vow that they get, but I
need them to know that this is you every single
day and um, and I don't think that for granted,
although sometimes I know I probably make you feel that way, UM,

(55:28):
but I really don't. And UM, I love you and
these boys love you so much. And um, this is
the last time you'll get me crying on this podcast.
But I just need you to know how much you
mean to me and our family. And I know it
feels like a thankless job sometimes, but none of this

(55:50):
ship works without you. And UM, I know you told
me that recently in another circumstance that we'll talk about
in another podcast episode, But are really none of this
ship works without you? And I love you so much,
and um, I would have all the babies for you
if you wanted me to. But I think this is it.
We might be able to hang this up. But I

(56:11):
just love you so much and you have literally made
this um experience the best that it could have been
for our family and for me. And thank you. Yeah, damn,
that's my moment of truth, y'all. My mama Shooth is short.
You deserve it. You just deserve it. That's all I got.

(56:39):
Thank you deserve it. I love you too, all right, y'all,
y'all still watching, y'all still listening. We're having a whole
moment here. But no, it just that just came over
me and talking about everything because I just think about
how present you've been, like you knew things that was
happening to me and my body before it even happened.

(57:00):
I feel like, like, how in tune you were with
it it's just me and everything, and how in tune
you've been with Dakota just newborn life and the boys
and just everything. And here's a moment of truth. Every
woman bringing life into this world deserve to feel that safe. Absolutely,
that's just the truth. Like that's the hardest thing to do. Literally,

(57:25):
we thank you for acknowledging that you deserve and you
rocket at it. I love you, Thank you you too.
Be sure to find us on social media at dead
Ass the podcast. Yes and you can find me on
social media Cadan I am and I Am Devout and
be sure to rate, review and subscribe. Y'all. Yay. It's

(57:48):
Happy birthday to Dakota. Happy birthday. D Oh you gotta
d now Boys. Dead Ass is a production of I
Heart Media podcast Network and is produced by Dinorapinia and
Triple Follow the podcast on social media at dead as
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