The Cookout Ain't Dead

The people are saying that millennials aren't hosting cookouts, family dinners, or upholding old traditions anymore. But is that true? In this episode, the Ellises discuss why it may seem like these new generations are losing recipes. Dead Ass. 

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Traditions are changing because the culture has changed.

Speaker 2 (00:05):
Mmmm, dead ass, And the way I see it, I
just don't be wanting mad people up in my house,
know how, because my social battery be depleted. Okay, invite
me somewhere that ass. Hey, I'm Kadeen and I'm Devoured
and we're the Ellis's.

Speaker 3 (00:24):
You may know us from posting funny videos with our.

Speaker 2 (00:26):
Voice and reading each other publicly as a form of therapy.

Speaker 1 (00:31):
Wait, I make you need therapy most days.

Speaker 3 (00:34):
Wow.

Speaker 2 (00:34):
Oh, and one more important thing to mention, we're married.

Speaker 3 (00:37):
Yes, sir, we are. We created this podcast to open
dialogue about some of Li's most taboo topics.

Speaker 2 (00:42):
Things most folks don't want to talk about.

Speaker 3 (00:45):
Through the lens of a millennial married couple. Dead ass
is a term that we say every day. So when
we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts one hundred
the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

Speaker 1 (00:56):
Were about to take philos off to our whole new level.

Speaker 2 (01:01):
Dead ass starts right now.

Speaker 3 (01:05):
So story time, I'm gonna take y'all back to my childhood.
And when I say childhood, this is when I was
a teenager. It was barbecue and then huh, oh, you
you know because when you met us. Yes, it was
every weekend, every single weekend.

Speaker 2 (01:23):
But I mean you could propose to me at a barbecue.

Speaker 1 (01:25):
I did my brother's.

Speaker 3 (01:28):
Was it Memorial Day?

Speaker 2 (01:29):
It was his graduation.

Speaker 1 (01:31):
Graduation barbie graduation barbecue.

Speaker 3 (01:33):
But I take y'all back to when I was about
fifteen sixteen, and this was the time when we stopped
going to Tennessee because my brother and I were playing
sports heavy in Brooklyn. So when the summertimes now, we
were back home in Brooklyn, and every weekend in the summertime,
my dad would just be like, yo, going to get
some ribs, going to get some burgers, some sausages. Your

(01:56):
mother's making macaroni salad and potato salad. But y'all gonna
have to grilliz meat because it's hot out there, paused,
and I'm not standing out there. And we used to
be like bet and that became a routine every summer. Gavin, Kevin,
me Brian, my cousin Devonne, my cousin Dorian, and my
cousin Portion when she used to come in from Connecticut.

(02:17):
We would all be in the backyard playing dominoes, playing spades.
Every single weekend, and it was just like something we
did to kind of keep us out the street, because realistically,
back in those days, if you wasn't in the backyard
doing something, you was in the streets doing something you
wasn't supposed to. So my dad's whole thing was like,
I'd rather my kids be where I can see them, Yes,

(02:38):
And we would invite the whole block. We would invite
all our friends, whatever team I was a part of,
those teammates would be there, my brother's teammates would be there.
And my sister was kind of young around this time.
She was ten years younger than me, so she was
like six or seven years old. She ain't really have
no friends like that that could come over and barbecue,
but her little friends from next door on the cole
and from down the block a leadah, they would come
in the backyard. And that's how we weild the community,

(03:00):
you know. It was just a safe space for all
the kids to come and just chill.

Speaker 2 (03:03):
Shout out the scoop and mouth for feeding droves and
droves and droves.

Speaker 3 (03:07):
I don't know how they did that. I really don't
know how.

Speaker 2 (03:10):
I don't know either.

Speaker 1 (03:11):
It was costcos every week too.

Speaker 2 (03:12):
Yeah, that's why your mom's so tired now shout out,
shout out to my because man, my girl will be tired.
And I understand because I feel like that's my future.

Speaker 3 (03:21):
Yeah, yeah, that's gonna be our.

Speaker 2 (03:23):
House karaoke time. So we were conflicted about like what
our karaoke song was going to be today, not really conflicted,
but I feel like we should do both because they
both made us think of family time, cookouts, traditions, events,
gatherings as my island people would say a special all of.

Speaker 1 (03:43):
Those things auspicious.

Speaker 2 (03:48):
But but yeah, so do you want to go with
your was first?

Speaker 1 (03:50):
What do you think I should go? Mom first?

Speaker 2 (03:51):
I'm gonna go first. And I was just so excited, Ready, ready,
you can do it? Electric bookie woog wog. You can't
do it. It's electric bookie wiggy woogie, and I know it.
I don't even know the words, does anybody? I've got

(04:14):
to move? I thank you and I'll teach you the electrics.
Lie my mom electric slide champion, Okay. And it's just

(04:39):
the way she does it with this little stush little
face and the two hands be going and the hit
and then it dropped forward and then pulled back on me.
But my mom really I love it. But one thing,
one thing, and any events we've had our moms definitely
spearhead the electrics.

Speaker 3 (04:59):
Li.

Speaker 2 (05:00):
I almost banded at our wedding, but I said, you
know what, I can't take that joy from our culture.

Speaker 3 (05:04):
You can.

Speaker 2 (05:05):
And then now I look very every excuse.

Speaker 3 (05:08):
I'm over you electric slide on every song, I'm holding
on you, electric slide.

Speaker 2 (05:15):
I'm gonna throw that shoulder and bring it back all
right now, And it's the kick and then the side.
You know, what's your song. We'll reminds your cookouts and
in all those things family events.

Speaker 3 (05:26):
Well, it's cookouts, it's weddings. It's the end of every
black movie. Does anybody know what it this?

Speaker 1 (05:32):
Mm hmmmm mmmmmmmm hmmm.

Speaker 2 (05:40):
It's like what.

Speaker 3 (05:43):
I can see you when you all hey, even when
you're talk it takes all men.

Speaker 2 (05:51):
Hey, that is my jam yo.

Speaker 3 (05:54):
That's a good one.

Speaker 2 (05:56):
Oh, my goodness, my goodness. All right, before we go
into some more song and dance, because we definitely have
some other ones. I think on the on the island
side of things, what would be like the one that
we would do mostly that everybody gets on the dance floor. Oh,
Matt's favorite, Oh Pa, shout out to Matt. Matt shot

(06:19):
one too many weddings. He said, I can never hear
that song again for the rest of my life, and
it would be too soon. He's either that or the
dollar line sent I sent Tencent Dolla. Hey speaking to Dallas.
Let's go pay some bills and we're gonna come back
and get into the meat of the show. Where are
the traditions going? Are they going? Are they saying, we

(06:39):
don't know, We're gonna talk about it. We'll be back,
all right. So we're back and we are talking about traditions, gatherings, cultural,
you know, get togethers. What's happening to those What kind
of sparked my interest in this conversation was seeing essence

(07:01):
posts about it because Memorial Day weekend typically tends to
be the kickoff for you know, cookout season, barbecue season,
lineman season, as we say in the Islands, you know,
get together is the weather's perfect. You know, everybody's looking
for somewhere to go, something to do outside. So yeah,
I remember those those days I coming into your family

(07:22):
and seeing that that was like a thing and it
wasn't like a formal everybody get together kind of planned event.
They kind of just happened and spiraled into these get
together that became a thing. What y'all doing, What y'all
doing is sod. Everybody being at home doing nothing? Come on, right?
And I love that your parents created, like, essentially, what
was a safe space for all of the local teenagers

(07:46):
and all of our friends and whatnot. And we would
be there till the wee hours of the morning and
the only stipulation was that we had to make sure
we cleaned up.

Speaker 3 (07:54):
The sink.

Speaker 2 (07:55):
Your father would thorough conniption, that was the case. And
then all so too after a while. It's just like, yo,
if you coming, don't come empty handed. Now, facts you
better bring in case of soda.

Speaker 1 (08:05):
Something back of hot dogs, bring bring something.

Speaker 2 (08:08):
Bring something. But it was the camaraderie, right, And it's
crazy because as you grow, I'm kind of wondering, is
it becoming a lost art form? Is it that we
are aging out of that age group where people get
together often because we now have responsibilities and kids and
our weekends are laden with sports and you know, there's
so many different factors, but not just factors when it

(08:30):
comes to just socialization, but there're economic factors absolutely, So
what's your take on in baby?

Speaker 3 (08:36):
The first thing I've noticed is even amongst my friends, right,
I remember we were growing up, there was like, yo,
where the party at? You know where's where? You know
where the uncles at? You know what I'm saying, Like
who house we going to? And it's like, nigga, we
the uncles like they supposed to be looking to come
to our house, y'all be.

Speaker 2 (08:54):
Fighting this shit a mug now, Like, don't be calling
me auntie. Y'all be calling me auntie in the comments.
I'm like that that's part of the problem though, That's
why I don't want to be an auntie.

Speaker 3 (09:04):
But that's the problem. You're not embracing the fact that
you have a responsibility to the community to open up
your home so that the young people can come to
your house and learn how to be the next Auntie.
Too many aunties and uncles now are trying to act
like young kids and they're still out in the streets.

Speaker 1 (09:19):
That's that's one aspect.

Speaker 2 (09:20):
I mean, can we push push, Let's just push the decade,
like maybe when I'm like in my fifties.

Speaker 1 (09:25):
Really really reading your fifties.

Speaker 2 (09:28):
To be honest, our house is like, you're.

Speaker 3 (09:30):
Gonna have grandkids in your fifties, says who absolutely. Jackson
is thirteen. When you turn fifty, you'll be twenty three now,
so in your fifties, he's gonna have a child. You're
gonna be a grandmother.

Speaker 2 (09:41):
I'm gonna be cute.

Speaker 3 (09:42):
Yeah, you will be cute. You're gonna be a thick grandma.
You get a thick grandma, and you're gonna be in
the backyard making potato salad and macaroni salad. So these
kids can come in here because I don't want my
boys out in the street either.

Speaker 2 (09:54):
No, I hear you.

Speaker 3 (09:54):
I'd rather than be here, bro, I hear you.

Speaker 2 (09:56):
That's why we have a kind of an open door
policy with our boys and their friends. Now, I mean shit,
all of out say anybody to be here all the time.

Speaker 3 (10:01):
But it is, it is part of that, like it
just and this is not you know, some of this
as jokes, but this is the reality. Right, socio economically,
things have changed for us as people. My parents got
married at twenty one twenty two, had their first child
at twenty two, right, and they were you know, set
in their lifestyle as being family people. They both worked,

(10:22):
but they had kids. Now people are having children later.
They're having children mid thirties, you know. So now that
they're having children mid thirties that time where my parents
were being the auntie and uncle when they were their
late children, our generation isn't doing that.

Speaker 2 (10:34):
True.

Speaker 3 (10:35):
And also social economically, you can't afford to have the
whole community in your backyard right now, like property property
value has risen. I think even the cost of purchasing
a home or the amount of people own homes now
has dropped since when our parents. So not only do
the aunts and uncles not want to be aunt and uncles,
they don't own properties to have people come over to

(10:57):
have cookouts at as high rate as we did back
in the eighties and nineties. That's just a fact.

Speaker 2 (11:01):
And said that, yeah, for sure. Actually that's a perfect
segue to some facts and stats. So, like I said,
what sparked this idea for me today was looking at
a social media post from Essence magazine that ax users
what happened to the cookout and a ray of different
responses were given, and here are some of them that
I think are totally spot on. COVID Right, so some
people are still not fully back outside and recovered from

(11:23):
the effects of COVID. Food prices skyrocketing, clearly cutting family ties.
Our generations are like, you know what, I ain't really
want aunts to your uncle or grand so granda or
grand uncle whoever.

Speaker 3 (11:35):
So, but I'll push back on that. Okay, those people
don't got to be invited to your barbecue anyway. That's
sure you not having a barbecue because you're cutting family ties.
There's not a reason to not have a barbecue your friends.

Speaker 2 (11:46):
Right or are we having barbecues that just everyone is not,
you know, going to be invited to? Yes, that's possible.
Then there's also laziness, like he's got uber eats, you
got door dash. It's just like, do I really want
to go through the hassle of half to cook you know,
from scratch? What also to I'll add to that. Well,
I guess part of laziness. But another maybe bullet point

(12:09):
would be everybody got a different food allergy. This person
will eat that one, somebody vegan, somebody vegetarian. That's when
you say, you know what, bring what you eating, what
you drink? Let's pop look up in this bitch, because
I don't have time for you and your allergies, lack
of family values, our children's generation not having any cousins. Well, shoot, yeah,

(12:31):
we know what cut Well we have cousins on one side.
I don't mind. One user said, none of us know how.

Speaker 3 (12:37):
To fade so but so this goes back to what
we've been talking about all season, perception versus reality. You
cannot listen to social media as to who is and
who isn't having barbecues because we still have family cookouts
and barbecues. We just had one for Mother's Day. I did,
you know what I'm saying, Like, we still do that.

(12:58):
And the truth of the matter is a lot of
people that are having these conversations on social media, they're
not the ones having family values. They're not the one
that's not having cookouts. But the people who are having
cookouts aren't on social media cooking out right, you know
what I'm saying. So they're not even involved in the conversation.
Because when you you asked me about the conversation, I

(13:18):
was like, who not having cookouts? Because we still.

Speaker 2 (13:21):
Because we still are.

Speaker 1 (13:22):
Yeah, there's a perception and then there's a reality.

Speaker 2 (13:25):
But I do think the reality is true, particularly when
you brought up the property like, if you don't own
a place, then where are we having these cookouts? But
I mean also too, there's what public places like. You've
used to see cookouts at the.

Speaker 3 (13:36):
Park, at the park, Aluly No pull.

Speaker 2 (13:38):
A grill out, everybody to state their claim in the grass.

Speaker 3 (13:40):
In Brooklyn, see I View Park Always every weekend, there
was a grill out there and there was families out there,
So even people who couldn't afford properties back then. And
when I say back then, I'm talking about ten years
ago when you and I were living in Brooklyn. I
worked at Pakplex. I had my sports performance program there.
Dolo and I and Brian would be there and Saturday

(14:01):
and we'd be training the kids and we'd do a
leaf physique. But afterwards we'd leave there and we'd smell
the food because Ceview Park was filled with people having.

Speaker 2 (14:08):
Codd Yeah, CV Park and Narcipier. When you come off
that belt park where you come around the bend, you
see everybody outside. But to your point, since the nineties,
the cost of living has more than double. So one
dollar in twenty twenty four is worth two dollars and
twelve cents back in nineteen ninety four, and since nineteen
ninety four. Hours worked have fallen into the private sector
and risen in the public sector, so the increase in

(14:30):
hours may stem from restrictions on hiring in the sector. Additionally,
the hours reported by self employed people have fallen over
forty two hours per week to thirty seven in the
latest data. Also, after decades of relative stability, the rate
of US home ownership began to search in the mid nineties,

(14:52):
rising from sixty four percent in nineteen ninety four to
a peak of sixty nine percent in two thousand four.

Speaker 3 (14:58):
See but that would make sense because remember ninety four
to two thousand and four was when we remember your
family bought a home in Canarsie.

Speaker 1 (15:05):
My family bought a home in Canarsie in nineteen ninety three.

Speaker 2 (15:08):
Yeah, my parents bought one in eighty seven.

Speaker 3 (15:09):
So you see what I'm saying. That's what we grew
up in that culture where our families were buying homes
at a higher rate. So that's what we became used to,
and it was like new, Like we got a house,
let's have a barbecue.

Speaker 2 (15:19):
And then the Census Bureau released is now the latest
quarterly report for Q one of twenty twenty four shows
that The latest home ownership rate is sixty five zero
point six percent, which is the lowest has been in
two years, because who can afford anything now anyway.

Speaker 3 (15:33):
Also, let's not discount the world came to a halt
in twenty twenty.

Speaker 2 (15:37):
Because of covery happening.

Speaker 3 (15:39):
There's still a lot of recovery that's only four years removed,
a lot of people lost jobs, a lot of people.

Speaker 2 (15:43):
That's going to their savings depleted. Absolutely, there's so much
to recover from that that's not going to happen in uh.

Speaker 3 (15:50):
You know, I think that's for the year, a decade
of recovery, considering the fact that you know, we weren't
We weren't stable by any means in twenty twenty. We weren't. Remember,
we were also going through an election period. So anytime
you're going through an election and there's a change and
the powers that be, there's always a lot that goes
on with the housing markets. We saw that with Obama
in two thousand and eight, where we were struggling to

(16:14):
pay all our bills. So you figure election cycle twenty twenty,
pandemic happens. People were pretty much out of work until
twenty twenty two.

Speaker 1 (16:24):
That's when things started to kind of mp back up.

Speaker 3 (16:27):
So now we're only two years removed from that, so
people don't have the extra income to just say, hey,
come to my house. These barbecues are expensive. I know.
This is just me looking at the American Express. Bill
Kadeen would go like, say we're having a barbecue. Kadean say,
I'm going to go to Target. First, go to go
to Target. That's going to be what five hundred dollars, right,

(16:48):
and that's not food. The five hundred dollars is to
make sure that there's toilet paper in all.

Speaker 2 (16:52):
Of that, just like a lot of cups for all
of those things.

Speaker 1 (16:58):
Then it's we're going to go to there's no Costco
out here, but.

Speaker 2 (17:02):
Yeah, there's there is so Costco Stamps Club, you.

Speaker 3 (17:05):
Know, bulk shopping when you do the bulk shopping for.

Speaker 2 (17:08):
The whole home stool exactly the hint of maybe a
public stor crogram random you know things, and maybe I'm
not the side of the tree.

Speaker 1 (17:16):
So that's twenty five hundred dollars for a day.

Speaker 3 (17:18):
That's a fact that it made costs for you to
have a barbecue, to have people over.

Speaker 2 (17:21):
Well look at this here the retail costs of it.
Let's get down to the actual meat of the show.

Speaker 1 (17:26):
Of course, the.

Speaker 2 (17:27):
Retail cost of the a pound of one ground beef
was one dollar and forty eight cents per pound back
in two thousand, I start back in nineteen ninety four.
Today it costs what a whopping five dollars and thirty
five since and that's not even organic beef. So good
thing you and I find out we're allergic to the
cow baby because yeah, passer by, passer by. So yeah,

(17:50):
So many factors that are contributing to it from a
socio economics standpoint, But like you said, there's probably small
pockets of people who are still doing absolutely know, these
cookouts and whatnot.

Speaker 3 (18:01):
But there are also other factors. Divorce rates, marriage rates.
I'm not sure exactly what the divorce rate looks like
amongst Americans now, but I'm pretty sure or not even
the divorce rate, but the amount of Americans who are
married by the time they get to thirty has dropped. Okay,
So I saw something there. They said lack of family values.

(18:24):
I think a lot more people don't lack family values.
They're just waiting. So now it's like, okay, we have
a few friends, you know, and even when we look
at our siblings, right, they're in their thirties now and
now starting to get serious about finding a mate to
settle down with and have a family, which also takes time.
So since people are doing things later, there are a

(18:45):
lot less children being had, there's a lot less people
getting married at this time. So whereas when people used
to get married late teens, early twenties, think about our grandparents.
Your grandparents got married late teens, mine got married late teens,
parents got married early twenties, your parents early twenties. As
those generations start to do things later, So now it's

(19:06):
like late thirties forties. That's almost like two generations of
the previous generation. Because they did things teens to twenties,
we're doing things thirties to forties.

Speaker 2 (19:16):
Everything's getting pushed everything decade essentially.

Speaker 3 (19:19):
Almost two decades. Think about getting married eighteen nineteen, but
now you're getting married.

Speaker 2 (19:23):
Threety five compared to our grandparents parents.

Speaker 3 (19:26):
Getting married in twenty one, twenty two. Now that people
getting married having kids in their forties.

Speaker 2 (19:30):
Now, also to the family members who we relied on,
being the cooks, the chief cooks, and bottle washers literally,
those generations of people are now older. They're like they're
the elders, you know, some are passing away, like we
are now the ones who I think essentially have to
grasp the torch for what's next.

Speaker 3 (19:48):
Let me ask you a question, what is going to
happen to humanity if we continue to put community and
love and family values on the back burner for things
that like matter more like social economics, Like you know
what I'm saying that, Like it seems like, yeah, the
world is shifting to a different place where everyone's so

(20:09):
everyone is about capitalism.

Speaker 2 (20:11):
Capitalism or also self very closed off. I think those
couple of years that we were dealing with the pandemic
as well too, just socially, some people haven't recovered from that.
You know, even there's a generation, even the generation behind us.
I look at how they communicate, How they can barely
have a conversation with you without looking down or looking away.
They can't even look you in the eye to have

(20:31):
a conversation. Or you get them together and everyone's on
their phones. You know. I look at the generation below us,
so like some of our god children who are like
in their late teens, early twenties, you know, because they're
growing up now too, and it's like, man, it's like
a struggle to just have struggle to have a conversation
with them. When they get together, they don't even really
converse and communicate. So I think a lot of those

(20:53):
things are still the residual effect that we're feeling from
having to deal with the pandemic.

Speaker 3 (20:59):
You know, I just thought about this too, Like having
this conversation often makes me not this conversation, but having conversation,
but you often make me think about things that I
haven't thought about. When I was a kid, we had
a family reunion every other year. I think about who
was the patriarch in the Zimmerman Ellis family. Every other
year we would go to Pennsylvania, or we would go

(21:20):
to Orangeburg, South Carolina, and we would have a family reunion,
and people from all over the country would come in.

Speaker 1 (21:25):
When's the last time you had a family reunion?

Speaker 2 (21:27):
Kh really to be honesty, grandma's funeral.

Speaker 3 (21:32):
That's the only only time families get.

Speaker 2 (21:34):
Together literally been that. And every time we get to
these funerals, unfortunate events, it's oh, man, we really have
to meet under these circumstances. Really got to do better.
And then life be life in and people go back
to their their their sides of the ring, and it
doesn't essentially happen.

Speaker 3 (21:49):
I got my moment.

Speaker 2 (21:50):
We have to be super deliberate about that if it's
something that we want to continue.

Speaker 3 (21:54):
I got my moment of truth, and this is this
is just for the world, not just for us, like
us too, but for the world. Like I'm really starting
to see how older people, I guess, Dank, I'm forty nine,
so I feel old. How older people when I was
younger used to used to speak and I'll be like,
and this old man just be talking and talking, and like,
don't nobody think like that no more. But now I

(22:16):
understand them. No, I understand why it's so important and
why it was important for them to have a relationship
or a bridge with the younger generation. And now that
I'm a part of that older generation, I see the
importance of having that bridge. But it doesn't see that
younger It doesn't seem as if the younger generation is
interested in having that bridge with us.

Speaker 2 (22:36):
You're absolutely right, you know. When my grandmother passed away,
even prior to that, one of my aunts on my
mom's side, she's just like you know, guys, we have
to Like she's trying to encourage in the family group chat.
There's a family group chat that's like intergenerational, right, so
it's my mom generation, my generation then like the younger folks.
And she was just like, you know, we have to
be deliberate about planning some sort of family get together.

(22:56):
Were you then once a year, like can we please
just like put a day on the calendar? And everyone
tried to get together in one space, but I think
they're seeing the detriment of the glue, right, essentially, the
glue of those families now who are passing on. It's
like who's going to be the next person? And we
are in that space now where I'm like, okay, I
don't mind helping to spearhead a reunion. But then it's

(23:17):
like pulling teeth trying to get the rest of the
family on board. You know, you put stuff in the
group chat, Hey, y'all this chat, and then people just
don't want to chat back, you know. But it's like
how long do you want to put up with that struggle?
And that's why Deval and I make an effort to
just say, you know what, whoever we're in contact with regularly. Hey,
it's people who are close by, you know, come on over.
You know, our kids' friends, come on over. We have

(23:39):
an open door policy in a sense for that which
makes things. You know, it feels good. It feels good
when we get together.

Speaker 3 (23:44):
And something else though, that we didn't even consider. Right,
we haven't had a family reunion in my family in years.
But you know what my father, who's the patriarch of
our family, does, he plans a trip to go away.
You know what has changed for Black Americans and Black
Caribbeans our ability to do things other than just go
back in the backyard and barbecue. Back in the day,

(24:05):
that used to be the only escape. But now we
all get together and we travel out of the country.
Think about it.

Speaker 1 (24:11):
Think about it.

Speaker 3 (24:12):
The amount of people who travel now in this country,
Black Americans and Black Caribbeans has increased. It has increased.
I forgot where I watched it, but more Black people
now during the summertime are taking their children out of
the country than they ever did years prior. And when
I think about my parents, they took us out of
the country maybe once a year, but we went to

(24:33):
Canada and we went somewhere close because both My parents worked,
so there was never a time where they could get
five or six days off to go anywhere too per far,
but we would go to the Poconos, which is not
out of the country, but that was how we traveled.
As generations of kids learn more things and aspire to
do more things, our idea of how we want to
spend our time has changed.

Speaker 2 (24:53):
That's actually a pretty good one. I didn't think of that.
So that means that it's not just reduced to barbecue cookout,
we get together. It's just like, let's get together and travel.
There are travel pages on Instagram that are dedicated to
black travel, you know what I mean. And I think
that's great. Like a couple people who I know recently
I spoke to were just like, yo, I don't even
have a passport, and I'm just like, it's unfathomable for me.

(25:15):
Like in twenty twenty four, you're an adult and you
don't have a passport. I'm like, yo, get that passport
and do things and get together playing. There's like even
group clubs that are travel clubs where it's like someone
is spearheading the trip. So that's a really good point.
Like it doesn't cool to be the cookout, cook me
out on a beat somewhere.

Speaker 1 (25:31):
I just changed.

Speaker 3 (25:32):
I just changed my moment of thought, moment of truth.
I just changed it because I had a moment of truth.

Speaker 1 (25:38):
And then through speaking the old moment of truth, the
old moment of.

Speaker 3 (25:42):
Truth is that the first thing was that family values
are being lost.

Speaker 1 (25:47):
That was my first moment of truth.

Speaker 3 (25:49):
And I feel like it was going to be cyclical, right, Like,
for example, and we watch over time quote unquote, the
feminist movement was huge. And then while when the feminist
movement was huge, like in the seventies and it became
really really big, it seemed like in the eighties, the
eighties and early nineties it kind of went back to
like those moms that we aspired to be, like like

(26:09):
the fresh Prince of bel Airs mom Aunt viv Or
Claire Huxtable. Right, But then we go to the two
thousands and it was I'm a boss bitch, you know,
I don't need no man. But now we're going through
what the soft girl era where girls are like, no,
I'm tired of being a soft bitch who.

Speaker 2 (26:25):
Fought for the who fought for the right to work
because we didn't want.

Speaker 3 (26:28):
To right, like the change is now happening, and I
feel like this is going to be just as cyclical
where it was like, Okay, we were doing barbecues for
a while, we're doing barbecues for whiles, like let's do
something else, what's new. And now we're traveling more, we're
doing different things, and I think it's going to come
a point where it'll be like, yo, let's go back.

Speaker 1 (26:45):
To doing what brought us all together.

Speaker 3 (26:47):
So my initial moment of truth was that family values
are being lost and we should all try to get
back there so that we can, you know, rain our
kids back in.

Speaker 1 (26:55):
That was my initial, but I changed it now, so
I got some different.

Speaker 2 (26:58):
You got some different some different heats us. So that's
funny because one of the questions that I was going
to talk about too is how people stay connected outside
of or beyond just hosting lookouts, And that's probably one
of the ways that people do it as well any
other different traditions that we're practicing. I'm trying to think like,
even with our boys, I don't travel, is a big
thing for us to you know, and still just making

(27:22):
an effort to get together I think is still super
important at least enter generationally.

Speaker 3 (27:27):
Yeah, I do also notice this parties I don't see
as many block but that's also because community is lost.
You know, there's there's people who live places for years
and don't know their neighbors. When I was growing up,
I knew everybody on my block, every around the corners,
if it wasn't walking distance, I knew who lived in
that house, and I knew which kids lived there, and

(27:47):
I could ring the doorbell and ask if they can
come outside.

Speaker 2 (27:49):
And we looked forward. I mean every year we looked
forward to the Black Party. We lived directly across the
street from our block association leaders, so that's how we
actually had block associations back then. And you know there
were people who had little committee that got together and
they had their monthly meetings about what we wanted the
block to look like and feel like. In the camaraderie events.
I remember Missus Brown. She looked aross the street from us,
and she would host like Halloween parties and that was

(28:12):
ways for us to get together as kids.

Speaker 1 (28:13):
Well, look at that. People don't even trick a treat
like they used to.

Speaker 2 (28:16):
I mean, because it's scariest fuck. Now you can't even
do anything. You can't even have a block party in
Knarcia or whatever because you're worried about like gang violence
or people driving behind And it was non But it.

Speaker 1 (28:25):
Was the same thing in Bedsty.

Speaker 3 (28:26):
It was the same thing in Crown Heights and in
Flatbush in the nineties and people still went outside.

Speaker 2 (28:30):
That is true. Like the fact that has changed as
old as you get older.

Speaker 3 (28:35):
Yeah, I mean I think that as you get older
and you see life happen, it changes your perspective. But
I personally don't think life is any more dangerous now
than it was back then. My grandmother used to tell
me this all the time, right, and shout out to
my Nanna because she was the most honest person I knew,
and that she went through Alzheimer's, she started to be
more honest, and she used to say to us. She
used to say to me and my father and my

(28:56):
brother that we just complained about everything.

Speaker 1 (28:58):
Yeah, complained about everthing. 'all worried about? Shall worry about that?

Speaker 3 (29:00):
She's like, when I was growing up, we had to
actually be worried about not getting home because someone could
be lynched. If there were a group of kids outside
and they were all black. Living in the Confederate South,
they had to be concerned about one of them kids
being grabbed and if that child was grabbed, there was
nothing you can do about it. That was a real
fear that that that they and they watched people be

(29:22):
lynched and they were going through things, and they're like,
now you're complaining about what, And when I think about it,
it's like, you know what, we don't have to deal
with those issues. We never lived through a World war,
we never lived through the Great Depression, Like these are
things that my grandmother actually lived through. So she looks
at us and be like, y'all are complaining about what,
And when I think about.

Speaker 2 (29:42):
It, like you complaining about what you got video games,
all the things that you need.

Speaker 3 (29:49):
We need to stop making excuses and actually just make
things happen. If you want to make it happen, curate
the life that you want for your kids and your family.
That's all it's about.

Speaker 2 (29:57):
To The question be who comes to the cookout? Who
gets invited to the cookout? Is it now based on
who makes the best tata salad, who grows the mess meat.

Speaker 3 (30:08):
Who don't disturb my piece? That's who comes to the
freaking cookout? Because I will order applia bowl from from
Uber eats and be just fine on a Saturday.

Speaker 2 (30:18):
You are absolutely right. We literally are just like, who
can come here and just chill. We don't have to
worry about hosting too much because we are so having
to host and be on all the time. I don't
feel like doing that at home.

Speaker 1 (30:35):
Is this This episode ends whateven.

Speaker 3 (30:37):
This episode airs in September, so we're getting to the
end of summertime, that labor daytime. This is when people
start to have those barbecues because they know that the
weather is about.

Speaker 2 (30:47):
To change and they're wrapping up.

Speaker 3 (30:49):
So and then when I think about that and we
think about who we're gonna invite over here, it's probably
about a handful of people.

Speaker 2 (30:55):
That's a fact. That's a fact. That's if we invite people,
because sometimes we were crowd in itself between us and
our kids.

Speaker 3 (31:02):
No, if we go anywhere it's us and four little people,
then we got to bring help. So it's two parents.
So that's that right, there is what eight eight of people? Yeah,
I feel uncomfortable going to people's house. It's with eight people. Sure,
you know what I'm saying, Like, I feel I'm We're
a old party in the South.

Speaker 2 (31:18):
That's a fact. Party over here, Party over here. All right, y'all,
let's take a quick break and we're gonna move into
my favorite portion of the show, listen letters, after we
get into these ads, So stick around. All right, now
we're back. Let's dive into these listener letters that we

(31:40):
have for this episode. Hey, Ellis's I have a fiance
that I adore and we have a daughter together, and
I think he's an amazing person, but he's very unreliable.
I can't depend on him to be on time because
he's always late by several hours. I can't depend on
him financially because he's always in a bad situation quote unquote,
So I'm mostly taking care of our daughter on my own.

(32:02):
He claims that he just needs time to learn to
be more financially stable. He just started a full time
job after four months of unemployment. But at this point,
I'm starting to think it's arrested development. I know we
all need transition time, but this is ridiculous. PS. He's
thirty eight with four exclamation points. I'm thirty four. We
share one child, but there are a total of six

(32:24):
children all together from previous relationships. So ya got a
gang like this overall, I need a partner, and to me,
he's more of a dependent. Let me know your thoughts. Yikes,
arrested development. That was a group back in the day.

Speaker 3 (32:41):
Right, Yes, yes, that's what you got reading that.

Speaker 1 (32:46):
That's the only thing she got out of that arrested development.

Speaker 2 (32:50):
Is it everyday people?

Speaker 1 (32:52):
Free day people?

Speaker 3 (32:54):
Yes, I said that, that was my arrested development.

Speaker 2 (33:04):
That was a really good song, I remember, but I've
never actually heard the term using a sentence really, so
I'm just like, wow, arrested development.

Speaker 3 (33:10):
Let me help this young lady out. This is the
biggest thing. Right, People don't understand this. We've said this,
We've done a whole podcast on this. Right, marriage is
a business. The institution of marriage, when created by people
by the state, was created for families to share assets
and to properly create create a place where their assets

(33:32):
can be extended to their children. That's what people really
need to understand, Like, why does a woman take a
man's name? Why does this have to happen this? Why
are their laws generated around the institution of marriage that
require taxes? And it's because it's a business. And if
you try to separate that part of marriage and ignore it,
because the business aspect is important, you will find yourself

(33:53):
in an unhappily in an unhappy marriage and can enter
your doom.

Speaker 2 (33:57):
Well, yeah, that's true. The number one reason why people
have issues this financial stuff. So, as my mom said,
love can't pay the bills.

Speaker 1 (34:04):
And I'm not gonna you know, people talk about this
all the time.

Speaker 3 (34:07):
When institutional marriage was created by God, yes it was,
but so it was bills. Bills was created by God,
and those bills have to be paid by the people
who are married together. So God didn't expect us to
just get into a marriage and just ignore the fact
that there are real life, true responsibilities. The fact that
they're engaged and not married yet means they need to

(34:27):
utilize this time as fiances to figure out how to
get into a better financial space so they can exist
together and be life partners together, not life dependents.

Speaker 2 (34:37):
Like what's the plan? That's what I will ultimately like
when I read this, I'm like, Okay, what is the plan?
Are you guys having the discussion about what is the
week to week plan, what is the month to month plan,
what is the year to year plan? What's five years
from now going to look like? Because she said he
just started a full time job after four months of unemployment?
Was it four months of unemployment after having another job
that he was dismissed from or left or whatever for

(34:57):
whatever reason? But is he holding down a job? Is
it something that's lucrative? Is it something that's buildable? Does
it have some kind of latitude? Will be able to
will he be able to move, you know, up in
the company or the job, Like, those are things that
need to be discussed.

Speaker 3 (35:12):
I hear all of that, kay, But this is what also,
people need to start having this conversation. What do you
require in life from your partner and what do you
require from me? Those are conversations that people are not
having when we hear these these stories. I'll have a fiance,
but he not doing this, so she's not doing that.
It's like, how did y'all get to the engagement part
without having that conversation in the dating process that sounds

(35:35):
like this and it may be a little bit upfront,
but this is the truth.

Speaker 1 (35:40):
Hey, I'm deval, I'm looking to date deliberately.

Speaker 3 (35:44):
I feel like in the next couple of years I
would like to start a family, possibly a family of four.
The sex of the children doesn't matter, but possibly a
family of four. This is my credit score. This is
how much money I earn. What's your credit score? What
does your life look like as an earner and a
mo If you want to have children? I like to
have sex? This many times a week? How many times

(36:05):
a week do you like to have sex? Do you like?
These are now? Four? Yes?

Speaker 1 (36:10):
Okay?

Speaker 3 (36:10):
Because I would want to put it all on the
table and let it be like, this is what I need,
this is what I require. Please let me know what
you need and what you require so that we can
sit down and say, hey, we our life works and
synergies where we can build something together.

Speaker 2 (36:25):
We're looking for similar things. I'm looking for someone who
can help facilitate these things. And yeah, I want to
be that willing participant to help you facilitate those things
in life.

Speaker 3 (36:35):
And on top of that, I'm attracted to you. You
attracted to me. Let's fuck while we do this. That's
what relationships are, right, what we did. We're business partners
that are creating a union together and creating a lifestyle
that we can live office together, and we're going to
enjoy each other's company and bodies together. Because that's the
safest way for us to explore our sexual exploits and

(36:56):
build together by doing it just us too.

Speaker 1 (36:58):
That's what dating should be.

Speaker 2 (37:00):
That's not everybody happy.

Speaker 3 (37:01):
And it would be that way if more people approached
it that way, But people don't approach.

Speaker 2 (37:06):
It that way because mirrors facades and what can I
get for myself right now in this moment.

Speaker 3 (37:11):
And they're afraid to say, well, if I come across
like that, then that person may get afraid. Well, then
that's not that's not the person for you. Then, Like
if you come across like that and that personality is
too much, and it's like, okay, well if you think
that's too much, you not the type of person that
I don't want to build a life with anyone less.

Speaker 2 (37:27):
Yes, if I'm too much, go find less.

Speaker 3 (37:29):
That's the truth.

Speaker 2 (37:30):
But yeah, that's that's a good point you made, because
it's like, how do we get here? How is he
a fiance when.

Speaker 1 (37:34):
He's doing all these things and they already have a child.

Speaker 2 (37:36):
And she didn't say how long they were together yet,
but they do cheer one child together.

Speaker 3 (37:39):
And six totals, so they like fucking both of them,
you know what I'm saying. So it's clear that they're
infatuated with each other, which is great. But since you
are infatuated, let's sit down and carve out the adult
part of this.

Speaker 2 (37:52):
You know, people just be out here doing shit. Y'll
just be doing stuff and not really like thinking about it,
like really thinking it through.

Speaker 3 (37:58):
And the truth is, since we've been talking about generations,
who and our generations told us to do this, nobody
Because there was no man in my life who told
me how to approach this like this, and.

Speaker 2 (38:09):
There's no woman in your life.

Speaker 3 (38:11):
So we can't even blame people for living like this
because no one is telling you how to do it.

Speaker 2 (38:16):
Welcome today's podcast, y'all, where we're trying to give y'all.
We're trying to give y'all tea y'all game. You know
what I'm saying. That's a fact, So good luck to you, says,
Go back and have these conversations to reassess if this
really should be your husband fact or not. All right,
all right, question number two, you want to read this one? Baby?

Speaker 3 (38:33):
I got you baby. Hello, Kadeen and Duval. I am
a Patreon supporter and came to your live podcast in
atl and have grown to love y'all, more and more
each day.

Speaker 1 (38:40):
Thank you, Patre.

Speaker 3 (38:43):
God has truly placed a heavy purpose on your lives,
and you all are walking in it daily and helping others.
You didn't even know you were helping you for so much. Man,
My question is regarding keeping the spark in relationship, especially
when you've been together for a long time, but also
when health issues are involved. Me and my husband have
been together for seventeen years, married ten and have three
wonderful kids.

Speaker 1 (39:02):
God bless you guys.

Speaker 3 (39:04):
For the past year, I have struggled with being happy
in the bedroom and sex in all aspects have changed
for me. I'm not really into sex anymore or it's
quick and don't get me wrong, I love a quickie
as long as it's good and we both get off well.
My husband can't maintain a strong heart on he has diabetes.
Who already know what this is? I could tell you
what this is. We've been talking about. He has diabetes

(39:27):
and is now struggling with ed I think, but he
has not gone to the doctor to confirm what it
is and always comes up with excuses on why he
couldn't stay hard, even when using viagra. It has become
annoying and a turnoff to the point where us having
sex every day has turned into once or twice a month.
Maybe my question to Kadeen is, with Deval having a
high sex drive from the beginning, how did you match that?

(39:49):
Was it something you learned and adapted as y'all grew
or did you have the same sex drive as him?
Deval and Kadeen, If there were ever any issues with
sex in your marriage, how did y'all come to a
conclusion or resolution together? I need help as I love
my husband and I don't want this to be a
big issue or in our marriage, but he has to.
Oh but he too has to want to make the

(40:10):
right changes in effort to cure his ed. If that
is indeed what it is your advice please?

Speaker 2 (40:16):
Oh well, anybody who's been listening knows that we've had
our fear share when it gives to sex issues.

Speaker 3 (40:22):
But our issues with sex issues were never frequency and
they were never quality of sex. It was always how
we get to sex and what the sex would look like.
But I will say this though, about what she's talking
about from a health standpoint. As men get older, right,
and we continue throughout life eating shit, not working out,

(40:44):
not taking.

Speaker 1 (40:44):
Care of our bodies.

Speaker 2 (40:45):
I know you're going to go there.

Speaker 3 (40:46):
You said he's diabetic. Diabetic diabetes affects your blood sugar.
It also affects your blood flow. If you don't work
out and you have to take medication for your diabetes,
that medication can often affect your erections. The best way
for him to cure the ED would be to exercise
and to eat healthier. What helped me over the past year.

(41:08):
If you guys have been watching, my body has changed,
my face has changed. I've lost weight, I've gained muscle.
I stop eating as much dairy, right, And when I
say stop eating as much, I am not a vegan.

Speaker 1 (41:18):
I never just stop things cold turkey.

Speaker 3 (41:21):
I changed my lifestyle, which means before when I used
to eat bacon, egg and cheese every morning, or bacon
eggs and grits, or bacon eggs and fringe toes. Now
it's I'll have a fruit plate, a fruit platter, or
I'll having a sye bowl, which is no dairy. Dairy
eliminates your body from inflammation. Inflammation causes your back to
hurt your needs joints. When you become inflamed, you can't

(41:44):
move and work out. So now you can't move and
work out. Over all of the years of inflammation, you
just feel like I can't the workouts I used to do,
I can't do. So now you no longer pushing your
body the way your body used to be pushed. When
you don't push your body as a man, you know
what drops testosterone. That's why when people say why is
niggat de vous still squatting and deadlifting and hang cleaning

(42:04):
like he's in the NFL.

Speaker 2 (42:05):
And hanging on to me like That's exactly.

Speaker 3 (42:08):
Why, because I understand as a man, her sexual peak
hasn't gotten here yet. I want to be prepared that
when you see what you see eye, I want to
be prepared for when that happens. Because I put a
lot of pressure on my wife to be there for
what I needed from our twenties to thirties. It's only
fair for me as a man to prepare my body

(42:29):
that I can maintain this when.

Speaker 1 (42:31):
She's going through her sexual peak.

Speaker 3 (42:33):
So when she's tapping my shoulder in the middle of
the night, I don't want to have to be like damn,
like am I ain't work out in two weeks. I
just had twelve oreos. I've been eating all these pork rods. No,
I want to be like, Yeah, I had a syeball,
I have my ginger shots. Turn around as wood. He
is ready for you, like, And to be honest, this
is conversation.

Speaker 2 (42:50):
Been welcome to the fourth floor.

Speaker 3 (42:51):
Yes, this is the conversation's men are not having with
each other.

Speaker 2 (42:54):
And holding each other accountable too. Because you definitely have
a strong group of friends, you're all like, be like, bro,
you need to get it together. Yep, you need to
get on this. And I've been doing the same thing
with my girls. Like you know, we talked about in
previous podcasts how hormonally things were off for me for
a long time. So to answer your question, having a
sex high drive for a high sex drive from deval,

(43:16):
I was never able to match it. I feel like
I'm still technically not really able to match it either.
But having read my body of certain foods that I
know were inflammatory, having rid my body of any kind
of birth control or hormonal you know, things that made
things either escalate or de escalate drastically, that has definitely
been a good start for me to kind of get

(43:37):
back to the baseline of like where do I where
am I hormonally how does it make me feel? And
I've been feeling great, so though I know sometimes we
have to meet at this kind of middle ground because
Devo says, you know, shoot, I can have sex several
times a day and I would be satisfied. And I'm like, okay,
I'm good with like four times a week. You know
what I'm saying. So someone's always having to like sacrifice

(44:00):
a little bit.

Speaker 3 (44:00):
But can we talk about though the differences Like this
may be a little bit explicit, but it's dead ass podcast. Right.
This is the mindset for me and Kadeen. Kadeen and
I haven't seen each other for a week. I'm filming.
She's some way doing something right. We get together, We
have sex. We going at it thirty minutes like athletes.
We doing every position. We go on our bone to bang.

(44:22):
We both climax, Oh, it's amazing. Kadeen's first thought process is, oh,
just climax. I'm so good. I'm good right.

Speaker 1 (44:29):
My first thought process, I'm climax.

Speaker 3 (44:31):
I want to experience that again, like again, right now.
And that's that's the difference in two people who have
been sexually pleased. But her body is built different than
my body, and as you get older and you learn
to have empathy for other people and realize that the
world isn't just, you know, created around what you need
and you desire. You start to understand like, you know

(44:52):
what my partner needs this while I need that, And
we have those constant conversations even now. So the difference
is we don't complain about our sex life no more
because we're able to. For example, like last week, I
was in a little bit of a bad mood because
then comes downstairs in gym and she goes, I get it.
We didn't have sex two days because you left and

(45:12):
then you came back and then I fell asleep. I
got you tonight and I was like, no, it wasn't
just about the sex, but I mean, like I also
didn't get to see my wife, like we weren't intimate.
I didn't get to hug you up and squeeze them cheek.
You don't do well when I don't have intimacy in
my life. And I don't know if this is a
lot of men, but this is me. If this woman
walks by me in a hall and she don't toop

(45:35):
that butt up for me to smack it, or she
don't rub by me, or she don't just come kiss me.

Speaker 1 (45:39):
I start to feel away. I just start to feel away.

Speaker 3 (45:42):
And then once I start to feel away and a
day goes by and she's not just hey, baby, how
you doing Now, I'm in a bad.

Speaker 2 (45:48):
Mood, bad mood.

Speaker 3 (45:48):
And then even when we have sex, I'm still in
a bad movie.

Speaker 2 (45:53):
Like you just nodded, we recover from this. I'm like
I thought I knew what it was. But it's also
like being so in sync with each other now that
we just know, like we know what those triggers are,
we know what those moments are, and I can decide
for when Diva, I was just like you know, in
a bad move because like something may have happened, or
just like work or anxiety or like all the things
of life happening in his brain. Or it's just like, oh,

(46:14):
he just misses me and he's trying to pick a fight.

Speaker 1 (46:16):
But also I don't let you, but no, you don't
let me pick the fight so much.

Speaker 3 (46:20):
But also she also doesn't run from It's gonna sound crazy,
but she also doesn't run from what her responsibilities are
as my wife, the same way I don't run from
my responsibilities. Last night, we're preparing. You know, we're preparing
the film and I have a thousand things going on.
She sees that I'm more in cloud nine. I haven't
been smoking.

Speaker 2 (46:37):
It wasn't really cloud and I you weren't like in
a good place.

Speaker 3 (46:40):
I wasn't. Yeah, I wasn't in a good place at all.
But I haven't been smoking either, and I've been traveling
a lot, so she knows. And she was just like,
she comes over to me, she rubs my lap, she
looks at me. She said, you need me to take
care of something. And I was just like, I was like, nah,
I got everything because I'm not even focused on what
she's saying. I'm reading my scripts and she's like, hey, hey,
let me handle that no real quick. When we slobed

(47:01):
and I started laughing at her, and she's just and
I'm just like, yes, though I need it.

Speaker 2 (47:04):
But actually when it clicked.

Speaker 3 (47:06):
But what I was trying to say, but seriously, when
people ask like, how do you guys keep the fire?
We keep the fire by knowing my partner, looking at her,
her looking at me, and saying my partner needs something,
like what's going on. We don't ignore the fact that
my partner is here. And sometimes that moment isn't well,
we're gonna do it later with no It's like baby
coming here real quick, let me take care of It's

(47:27):
real for you because I see you. You know what I'm
saying like this, It's those impromptu times where we take
care of each other. You know.

Speaker 2 (47:33):
What I've also been deliberate about now, too, is maintaining
and creating a safe space for you to say how
you feel. And I want to encourage this young lady
to do that with her husband as well too, because
something like ed I can imagine. I'm not a man,
but I can imagine it's something that is sensitive, could
be a sensitive topic.

Speaker 1 (47:49):
Sensitive, but sensitive? Did you say sensitive?

Speaker 3 (47:52):
I don't even think there's a word that you can
use to describe what men go.

Speaker 2 (47:56):
To them embarrassing. You know, it's not something that you
would be proud of.

Speaker 3 (47:59):
That's or it almost like I would say, I would
equate it to a woman's ability to have children. If
someone takes that away from you, now you can no
longer have true you know how you feel like, damn,
what is my purpose? Or feels I feel less than
for a man, it's like to have an erection to
be able to impregnate a woman is part of what

(48:19):
makes you a man, and when that part of your
body doesn't work, especially with everything in the world telling you,
you know, your manhood is predicated on how many women
you can do.

Speaker 1 (48:29):
And how big you are and how long you last.

Speaker 3 (48:32):
If you can't get an erection, and even when you do,
you can't get a full erection, and it's I won't
even say embarrassing, it's like life threaten and you feel
like I am not myself. That's why there's no word
that I can say.

Speaker 2 (48:45):
They've been together seventeen years, married ten three children, so
it's like they're people who used.

Speaker 3 (48:50):
To get they.

Speaker 2 (48:51):
Used to get it in. So it could be also
that he's in denial about the whole diabetes thing like that.
I feel like getting to the root of the problem
would definitely help you guys outside. I would encourage you
sis to, you know, create a safe space to have
that gentle conversation with him because it is a sensitive topic.

Speaker 3 (49:05):
Also, blood pressure medication. Most blood pressure medications affect men
down there. That's why a lot of black men don't
like to go to the doctor and they don't like
to be on that medication. I lost one of my
uncles that way, right, his high blood pressure, high blood pressure,
didn't want to take his medication because he wasn't able
to do the things he wanted to do with His
wife went to sleep one night and died, and when

(49:26):
she woke up, she was so mad. She said, I
can't believe you left me. You left me because you
wouldn't He went and went in that cabinet and saw
all those pills in that bottom and say he wasn't
taking his medication. And it's a scary thing for men.
There's something that we have to learn how to be
proactive and not reacting, and it's something that.

Speaker 2 (49:42):
Could be so basic. Like even my dad has high
blood pressure and he takes medication for it. And he
got in some blood work back that show that he
needed to drink more water. He was dehydrated and he's
been drinking a gallon of water a day. The boys
have literally been on him. We got him a jug.
They wrote Papa on it.

Speaker 3 (49:57):
Yep.

Speaker 2 (49:57):
And let me tell you the in his tail about
drinking his water. Didn't drink your water, hopper. Three o'clock,
it's just three o'clock, and it's five o'clock. And you
didn't drink your water, but he was. He was on it,
drinking the water daily. And he was like, you believe
I checked my blood pressure the past three days and
I didn't have to take.

Speaker 1 (50:11):
My medication, not one time.

Speaker 3 (50:13):
And he's seventy.

Speaker 2 (50:14):
That is seventy one, seventy one. And he looked, he
was so surprised, and I was like, see something as
simple as taking care of yourself and drinking water water.

Speaker 3 (50:22):
He started walking twenty minutes on the treadmill, right, he
started changing, you know, his diet and the things that
he was eating.

Speaker 1 (50:28):
And this is what we are employing for a lot
of men.

Speaker 3 (50:31):
This is this is one thing my ministry is going
to be for the rest of my life, is that
all of the things that we were told about our
health and then being hereditary is not true.

Speaker 1 (50:39):
It's cultural.

Speaker 3 (50:41):
Yeah, Black people are more predisposed to certain things because
in our culture we eat certain things.

Speaker 2 (50:46):
The cookout.

Speaker 3 (50:48):
What we were just talking about, the cookout soul food.
The Boondocks did a parody are on soul Food and
said that man, you watch soul food. Man, Big Mama
died from the same thing that we keep eating. And
an app she died they made a dinner and they
ate the same things that killed Big Mama, which was
so true though like she died of diabetes, she died

(51:08):
from complications of diabetes from eating all of this super
enriched sugar and salty food. And for people who understand history,
the reason why our food has always been enriched with
sugars and salt is because the enslaved people were always
giving scraps. And when you're giving scraps, in order to
be able to get through it things to it, you
add sugar. My parents are from the South. We used

(51:30):
to make a sauce called mopping. Mopping was ketchup, mustard, garlic, powder,
onion powder, salt, pepper, sugar, and vinegar and they would
put mopping.

Speaker 1 (51:42):
On ris and they would dip it in chitlings.

Speaker 2 (51:46):
I remember the first time I think it was on
your father gave it.

Speaker 3 (51:49):
But then when you look at just ketchup alone, three
tablespools of ketchup is more sugar than a crispy cream donut.
So now you have a half a gallon of ketchup
mixed with mustard, and you put more sugar in that,
and that's what we use to baste all of our
meats in Yeah, and now we ingest that for from
the time where young kids twenties, thirties, Yeah, you're gonna

(52:11):
have diabetes, and.

Speaker 2 (52:14):
Now not working out either exactly and not working out,
just pricing the fact that we're not taking care of ourselves.

Speaker 3 (52:19):
Because the truth of the matter is the enslaved people
could eat like that because they will be making in
the field. Oh my god, so their bodies all they did,
they burn that.

Speaker 2 (52:28):
That's why when you look back on that generation and
people live until eighty ninety years, oh yeah, because they
were working.

Speaker 3 (52:33):
They're working.

Speaker 2 (52:33):
They were working. So good luck to you, sis. I
hope you and hope you get to the root of yah.

Speaker 3 (52:37):
Got it?

Speaker 2 (52:38):
What's happening? Y'all got this? Seventeen years together, a ten married,
three beautiful children. Congrats to you, guys, and I wish
you find a solution. All right. If you want to
be featured as a listener letter, email us at dead
ass Advice at gmail dot com. We love to hear
from you.

Speaker 3 (52:53):
That's D E A D A S S A D
V I C E at gmail dot com.

Speaker 2 (52:59):
All right, now, moment of true time, we're talking where
did the cookouts go? Where are the cultural family traditions?
Are they becoming obsolete?

Speaker 3 (53:07):
Yes? First of all, fuck the moment of truth and
what I was gonna say, I'm gonna take this opportunity
right now to give you your flowers me. Yes, because
I've been filming, I've been going a lot, and you've
been running dead ass podcast like a freaking pro Oh.

Speaker 2 (53:22):
Thank you.

Speaker 3 (53:23):
You've been killing it. You've been getting guests, You've been
like even even today. This is for those who don't know.
We do a lot of shows sometimes and one day
because of our filming schedule, and this is the third
show we have to do today, and you're here just
as energetic and vibrant, and you had shows to do
yesterday and you were an energetic and vibrant in them
shows yesterday, and baby, I just love you for holding

(53:44):
it down.

Speaker 2 (53:45):
Thank you. I love you.

Speaker 1 (53:47):
That's moment of truth.

Speaker 2 (53:48):
I love that. Thank you so much. Thank you, and
thank you for always you know, freaking pouring into me
and just letting me know like you pour into you
in so many ways and I receive it.

Speaker 1 (54:00):
You always received.

Speaker 3 (54:03):
No.

Speaker 2 (54:03):
Really, like this is really giving me a space to
kind of like rework that muscle, like y'all went to
school for journalism. Haven't used that degree technically, I guess
I haven't kind of used it in podcasts and whatever,
but just not as a solo you know mission. So
thank you and to the team also for like really
just speaking that life to me. And thank y'all for
listening and cheering me on as well, and people saying, yeah, okay,

(54:24):
I can see you with your day time shall show
girl time talking about so I appreciate that. Thank you
and I love you and uh yeah, so my mom
went to truth. I don't even remember what it was
now because you got me all my feelings. But talking
about cultural traditions and all that good stuff. You know,
let's just keep on keeping on for the sake of
our children. We do want them to have a sense
of community, a sense of family, a sense of what

(54:45):
it means to get back to the root, where there's
safe spaces are where they can just lo that they
can get together, they can congregate with their friends and
with their cousins and with family members, and it's okay
to create what your own family looks like now too.
Write making sure that that safe space and that tradition
and that you know, cookout or whatever it may be.
That trip is surrounded with people who will love on

(55:07):
and recharge your battery and not drain it. Okay, okay,
all right, y'all. Be sure to follow us on Patreon.
We love to see y'all over there, where you get
exclusive dead Ass podcast content and more Ellis Family content
as well, and you can find us on social media
at dead Ass the Podcast, I'm Kadine, I Am and I.

Speaker 3 (55:25):
Am Devout, and if you're listening on Apple Podcasts, be
sure to rate, review and subscribe, and also make sure
you get your copy of We Over Me, The Content
Intuitive Approach to getting everything you want out of your relationship.
The paperback copies are out and now dead Ass Cut.
Dead Ass is a production of iHeartMedia podcast Network and

(55:45):
it's produced by Donor Opinia and Triple. Follow the podcast
on social media at dead Ass the Podcast and Never
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