The Power of Conceding

When you've been in a relationship for a long time, you learn that every argument just isn't worth having. In this episode, The Ellises talk about how admitting when you are wrong, can be the best way to get along. Dead Ass.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Sometimes in your relationship you have to decide do you
want to be right or do you want to unite
dead ass?

Speaker 2 (00:12):
And in the battle of what could potentially be whose
life sucks more in that moment, Just know that sometimes
you gotta leave well enough alone, right, exactly the same
leave Yeah, Sometimes you gotta leave leave well enough alone, right, deadass. Hey,

(00:33):
I'm Kadeen and I'm devoured and where the Ellis's.

Speaker 1 (00:37):
You may know us from posting funny videos with.

Speaker 2 (00:39):
Our voys and reading each other publicly as a form
of therapy.

Speaker 1 (00:44):
Wait, I make you need therapy most days. Wow.

Speaker 2 (00:47):
And one more important thing to mention, we're married.

Speaker 1 (00:49):
Yes, sir, we are. We created this podcast to open
dialogue about some of Li's most taboo topics.

Speaker 2 (00:55):
Things most folks don't want to talk about.

Speaker 3 (00:58):
Do the lens of a millennial married couple.

Speaker 1 (01:00):
Dead ass is a term that we say every day.
So when we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts
one hundred, the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but
the truth. Were about to take Billot off to our
whole new level.

Speaker 2 (01:14):
Dead ass starts right now.

Speaker 1 (01:18):
Story time, So I'm gonna take y'all back to shoot
shoot a couple weeks ago. Well, I'll start by going
back a couple months ago. Our oldest son, Jackson, is thirteen. Now,
he's at that that that crux in the road, you know,

(01:38):
that that fork where it's like either the kid is
going to go down the path or destruction or is
going to go down the path of prosperity.

Speaker 2 (01:45):
And all depends on over my dead body, struck destruck,
your book, destruct.

Speaker 1 (01:52):
Your book, And it all depends on how you prepared
the foundation you lay them going into you lay for
them going on to middle school. Yeah, paused that. I
don't want to lay your foundation for your son, but
I mean you do see why you got to grow up.
I'm trying to be your parent. Grow up, grow up
really bad. Okay, It all depends on the foundation you
lay for your child going into middle school, because middle

(02:14):
school is where they pick up some habits. They're going
to spend a lot more time with their friends and
with other people and in school and in practice. So
you have to really, you know, hone in on who
they are as a person. So Jay moved here not
only as a basketball coach, but I needed Jay to
be here as.

Speaker 3 (02:35):
An extension of me. When I'm not here.

Speaker 1 (02:37):
You know, we grew up together in KENARISI he had
a very i would say, adventurous life that allowed him
to learn how to do things on the move and
to learn his his like navigate different situations using his
vision in his eyesight. I like to callote the third
eye because when you grow up in Brooklyn, you need
a third eye to exist. And he was homeless for

(02:58):
a matter of time, him and his mom as they
were trying to figure things out. But he's really like
street smart, So I felt like having him around Jackson
to mentor Jackson while I'm away filming and doing all
these things would just be a good thing because Jackson'll
have a big brother. So I bring Jay hair. Were like, Yo,
we're going to low Jackson up with so many things
to do during the day that he doesn't have time

(03:19):
to get distracted by bullshit. You know what I'm saying.
Jackson said he wants to be a professional athlete. He
also said he wants to get into politics. He's at
that age where you know, he might want to be
a lawyer like he just so We're like, yo, we're
going to do everything, and then doing everything it meant
that for track, football, basketball, debate, tech. We had to

(03:41):
find the time. So Jay was like, yo, we're up
at five. Get him his first work out of six
in the morning. And I remember Kay looking at me like, dude,
six in the morning. He's twelve at the time, like
are you kidding me? And I'm just like, hey, he
wants to do these things. We have to teach him
a work ethics. So first couple of months he was
getting used to this six ams and he was a

(04:02):
little groggy, but he was starting to get to it.
But then he hurt his foot and after his foothurts like,
I hope you nurture you know, I study exercise physiology
and kinesiologies. I said, oh, it's a little pain here,
foot growing pain. Took him to the orthopedic. Orthopedic said
it's nothing, he can work through it. Got over the
foot injury, then his hip started hurting. Then after his
hip started hurting, I'm looking at him and he's limping
a little bit. I'm like, he is growing. He's getting

(04:23):
told maybe it's growing pains. So I put him through
a workout and I start stretching him pause and I
noticed he was flinching, and I'm like, that's not a
growing pain, knowing what I know about it, that's not
a growing pain, especially on that hip. Beside the hip,
his it band was tight, and I was like, I
think we might be overworking him because he don't have

(04:44):
enough time to sleep and rest. And I said in
this moment, because oh, and let me take y'all back,
take y'all back to two weeks prior. Kadeen has a
way of not saying things like most moms do, but
saying things with their eyebrows. So Jay is over here
and me and me and Jay are discussing, like what's

(05:04):
going to be the plan? And every time we say
something about, oh, you know what, because I kept trying
to make adjustments, and I kept saying, listen, you know,
if he does six ams maybe three times a week
rather than every day, he'll get those two days off
and Wednesday he gets to go to school a little later.
And this is all Kay kept doing with her eyebrows.
And I see her eyebrows with was touching her hairline.

Speaker 2 (05:24):
For those of you listening, image, Yeah.

Speaker 3 (05:27):
So I'm looking at Can. I'm like, she's gonna have
something to say.

Speaker 1 (05:30):
But I said to Casser, listen, I know this seemed
like a lot, but you've never been a professional athlete.
I said, I've been a professional athlete. I've trained professional athletes,
and Cae just said okay and then leave. Last week,
last week, Jackson hit was bothering him and I looked
at he was limping, and my soldier of her son

(05:52):
every time I asked him, how you feeling? Oh cool,
because he's been taught and nurture to fight through pain
and be tough and not show weakness as an athlete.
So I had to take a look at him and say,
you know what, now is the time where I'm gonna
have to concede and I'm gonna have to admit to

(06:12):
my wife.

Speaker 3 (06:14):
Then I might have went overboard, And to be honest.

Speaker 1 (06:19):
It was worth conceding because I didn't want my son
to be destructed by his father and his uncle because we,
you know, we were we were really trying to like,
I'm not gonna lie to you. I'm not making excuses
Jackson in middle school. I've seen so many kids go
from like the perfect person and then they get into

(06:42):
middle school and by the time they leave in middle school,
you're like, I don't know who the fuck that is.

Speaker 2 (06:47):
You an I D We're just laughing into karaoke time, y'all, because.

Speaker 1 (06:56):
This karaoke was inspired by what we watched last night,
because it was perfect. Every night, really really super late,
Kneena and I like to turn on BT and watch
one of my favorite TV shows. And if you know
what show this is, then you know this song I'm
about to sing you and I T wy you and
I T y. That's a Unity man. Come on, y'all

(07:21):
know that's from.

Speaker 2 (07:22):
Name that show Baby Hello, which is crazy too because
I was just listening to Unity the other day because
we ran and ran ran to Queen. When we were
back home in New York. I was filming a day
with k Stuff and we just happened to be in

(07:43):
a park they were filming. They were doing Equalizer three
and yeah, it was right equalizing the TV show the
show Yes, and yeah, that was nice to bump into her.
So AnyWho, let's take a quick break and we're gonna
come back. There's lots of unpack here. I'll let you
tell your story. We're going to unpack the story and
we're going to talk more about the power of conceding

(08:04):
in a relationship. We'll be back y'all, all right, we're back.
As it relates to storytime, Yeah, I was definitely just
kind of sitting back with my mom eyes watching what
was happening with Jackson. And the reason why I said

(08:26):
something to you initially about the early mornings was because, well,
first I thought it was a lot. I'm like, he's
twelve going on thirteen. I'm like, value didn't play sports,
like really, you know, at a high high level to
high school college.

Speaker 1 (08:39):
I didn't play I did combat sports. Remember, I did tekwon,
doing jiu jitsu from the time I was nine to fourteen, okay,
and that was three four times a week. That was
travel tournaments, that was dealing with pain, that was gotcha.
I had done all of that.

Speaker 2 (08:52):
For in terms of like stuff like that. Yeah, So
I just thought that, like, man, this is a lot
getting up early. And now saw how loaded Jackson's schedule was.
And it wasn't just the six ams. It was then
getting through a school day, and then there was practice
after for one team, and then practice after for another team,
and then working out with you in addition to and
then track practice, like there were just so many things happening.

(09:13):
So I'm looking as mom because I'm assessing the health
and wellness of my child, and I can see that
he was tired. I also went to an early parent
teacher conference and one of his teachers said, yeah, it
was weird. One morning Jackson was like falling asleep in class.
And I wasn't sure if it was that he wasn't
feeling well, if he was tired, or it was if
the work was boring or what it was.

Speaker 3 (09:33):
Huh, it was one morning and it was the beginning
of school.

Speaker 2 (09:36):
Yeah, it was one morning.

Speaker 1 (09:37):
Tired in the beginning of school. School started in August,
so this happened the beginning in August.

Speaker 2 (09:41):
So I said to Devala, so, you know, the teacher
mentioned that he fell asleep in math, and I'm like,
you know, he's very advanced in maths. I'm like, is
it that the work is, is you know, kind of
boring for him? Or is it that the six am
was catching up to him? And Devo was like, don't
automatically put it on the six am. He was offended
that I mentioned the sixth thing am.

Speaker 1 (09:56):
It was because I was because moms like to do
things like if a child does something wrong, the first
thing they want to do is you're not doing sports,
and for me, I think that's unfair to the child
because if he was playing an instrument, which you what
you wanted him to do.

Speaker 3 (10:12):
Moms never take away instruments is punishment.

Speaker 1 (10:14):
They only take away sports, which to me, I think
is unfair to a young man who loves to play sports.
And my mom used to do this to me all
the time. I would do everything perfect, I make one
mistake and the first thing she would do is take
away basketball, and it ultimately took me out of AAU
basketball in seventh grade from a stake that wasn't even mine.
So I was very defensive, and a lot of it

(10:36):
had to do with the fact that the way I
grew up and I didn't want Jackson to go through
the same thing. So it really had less to do
with you and more to do with everything I had
was going through.

Speaker 2 (10:45):
And grows in this moment. For de Valeni is that
could have been an argument, right because I could have
been going back and forth. I never asked Jackson to
play an instrument. I've asked if they were interested in it,
because I want them to be well rounded and try
different things and see what you know, expose them. I
played the piano and hated it, so I would never
push that on them. However, I did realize in that
moment like okay, Deval got defensive about it. But me,

(11:06):
knowing my son, I'm like, maybe there's something there. So
I said, let me not guess and have this conversation
with Deval guessing. Let me talk to Jackson directly. So
I asked Jackson about the morning he fell asleep in
math class, and I said, yeah, you fell asleep in
math class one time. Her teacher said she had to
wake you up like twice. What happened is to work,
you know, too boring or what? He was like, Oh, no,
that was the morning I had six am. I was

(11:27):
just a little tired, And I said, oh, okay. So
I heard that from his mouth without prompting. So that's
when I let Deval know that was the case. But
then Deval then, you know, I had to reassess the
situation because he realized too, like, Okay, maybe this is
a bit much for Jackson right now to juggle because
he does have a lot on his plate now.

Speaker 1 (11:46):
He definitely has a lot on his plate. And when
I think about growing up, When I thought about growing up,
I did do karate. When I started playing basketball, I
had basketball practice, I did do jiu jitsu. I was
on a debate team, was in the math academy. I
wasn't the concert choir. I wasn't.

Speaker 2 (12:05):
Activities.

Speaker 1 (12:05):
I never had time to myself either, so me giving
him time to himself was nothing I ever thought about doing.
I wanted him to always have something to do, so
he's not in the street or in the video games.
Now granted, we don't live in a place where he
could even be in the street, so I just didn't
want him to be at home in the video games
or going out with his friends to do something because

(12:26):
you know, and I'm not trying to snitch on my son,
but I've been at these middle school things and I
see some of the eighth graders who were going to
high school or young high school kids come back and
they're vaping and they're out there and they doing stuff,
and I just don't want my son to have any
time to be Yeah, you always have something to do.

Speaker 3 (12:43):
So I would admit that that was my plan.

Speaker 1 (12:46):
What I didn't realize was when I was doing prototype
or when I was doing those things, my father wasn't
my trainer.

Speaker 3 (12:54):
So when I did come home.

Speaker 1 (12:56):
I came home to relax, and it didn't hit me
until I saw Jackson limpin and realize, like, wait a minute,
when he comes home, he doesn't come home to relax.
He comes home to hit mobility, speed training, weight room training,
questions about basketball, talking about basketball.

Speaker 2 (13:14):
Jay will stop by to drop him off. Y'all still
talking more about basketball, and he literally had like no
reprieve from it. And me, being mom, who also was
never a professional athlete, I tried to respect where Deval
and Ja come from because they are the experts in
this field. So I'm like, y'all must know something that
I don't know because Deval played an elite level. So
if that's where Jackson wants to be, I never want to,
you know, undermine what you say or even put that

(13:37):
little bit of you know, doubt in Jackson's mind. Which
it's just like, all right, well, Jay and Dad are
telling me one thing, but Mom seems apprehensive.

Speaker 1 (13:43):
Right.

Speaker 2 (13:43):
We always try to make sure that we are on
a united front when we present ourselves to the kids,
and then behind closed doors, I'll say to de Val,
don't you think or he'll say, hey, I think you
handle that incorrectly, which I think is necessary because it's
like a checks and balancing system that we have within
the relationship as parents. But it's just a thing where
you know, moms, we just tend to know our kids,
and I in that moment, was like, maybe it might

(14:04):
be a bit too much. And I see the effects
of it on Jackson even this morning. For example, he
was up last night throwing up diarrhea, had some stomach issues.
He was so apprehensive this morning to even tell you
how he really felt because he felt like them, am
I gonna be a punk if I tell Dad that
I don't feel when it can't go to school?

Speaker 1 (14:21):
Or I think that's I think that's unfair for you
to say that one because he called me.

Speaker 3 (14:24):
He didn't call you.

Speaker 1 (14:27):
Yeah, but he called me, right, you know what I'm saying, Like,
he didn't call you first, So he wasn't apprehensive to
tell me how he felt.

Speaker 3 (14:33):
He just didn't know how he was going to be received.

Speaker 2 (14:36):
As sorry if I didn't say that correctly. Yeah, Yeah,
nobody he calls you first.

Speaker 1 (14:40):
And they all called me when they need something. And
I think, to be fair, you do know your kids, right.
I don't think moms know what's best for their sons though,
And I think that's the difference. Moms may know their children,
but you don't know what's best for them. And for me,
it's every time they come against adversity. Moms. You your
mom want to save them. They don't need be saved

(15:00):
because you can't save them when they're outside. They have
to learn, and I think that's where you and I
have to learn. That's a unity and I no, but
I think that's where you and I in this. Now
you're gonna make me keep saying it. In this situation particular,

(15:20):
knowing when to concede was important for both of us
because you knew when to concede and say, you know what,
Deval knows this part of athleticism and professional athletes are
going to concede even though I don't agree, and then
me realizing that, okay, physically he doesn't look like himself,
I'm gonna have to concede, and Kadeen was right rather
than both of us trying to argue and putting our son.

(15:42):
Because I've also been on the other end of this
as a trainer, where mom and dad are not on
the same page and they're both arguing loudly in front
of the child, while both making the child do something
that's not good for the child.

Speaker 2 (15:54):
And if your kid is just confused, and to also
further back your point, there are moments too where now,
for example, this morning, devout Jackson didn't want to be
seem like he was being a punk for like not
going to school or going to practice.

Speaker 3 (16:07):
I'm going to practice.

Speaker 2 (16:08):
But you then also gave him the latitude to say
in that moment, which I thought was correct, Jackson, if
you don't feel well, take the day and stay home, rest, recover.
I would have been more inclined to be like, oh, well,
you're not throwing up anymore, your stomach is fine, all right,
go to school, then don't miss the day, you know.
So that's where I could have been wrong, and that
you say to me, Kadeen, like, don't you think it's

(16:28):
a bit much that you're pushing him to school? And
he was literally thrown up two hours ago, right, And
I'd have been like, well, he's fine though, he looks
fine now. So that's a moment where I sometimes need
to be checked. And you say, Kadeen, like you're like,
just because you don't want the kids to miss the
day a school because you're a stickler for academics. You
can't do that at the detriment of their health, right,
And I.

Speaker 1 (16:45):
Mean you're right because we've had those conversations where I'm
the parent that's more likely to be like, Yo, you
don't feel good, you don't go to practice.

Speaker 3 (16:51):
You don't go to school either.

Speaker 1 (16:52):
Just take the whole day where you're more like, nah,
he can miss practice, but he's going to school. To me,
school has certain values, but also I think school can
be overrated when it comes to certain certain kids in
certain situations. You know, for example, thinking about and this
is going a little bit off topic, but also thinking

(17:13):
about trying to raise my son the way I was
raised when I didn't grow up the same way as
my child did, or even trying to raise my son
the way I mentored other young men who had different situations.

Speaker 3 (17:23):
I'm realizing that it doesn't work that way.

Speaker 1 (17:25):
Yeah, you know, I have to learn how to concede
sometimes because everything I thought I knew about my life
or I knew about these kids is completely different now
than it was five ten years ago when I was mentoring.

Speaker 2 (17:40):
That's a good thing that you brought up, and I
think you should put a posted on this, and we're
going to keep this tab open for the conversation we're
going to have about you and Jackson and that first
little altercation that happened in the house. So I'm not
sure when this episode is going to air in comparison
to that, but I think this route that you're going

(18:01):
will be great for that conversation because part of it
is talking about how you grew up and what you
require to do just to survive in these streets, and
it's like trying to take that same approach with Jackson.
But it's like being in these streets over here, you know.
But I get it as a man and as a
man raising a boy, and me never having been a
boy or a man. There's certain things that I will

(18:21):
lean on you for. So we can, I guess table
that until we get to that.

Speaker 1 (18:25):
Because I do want to talk about that specifically, just
that one situation. But this is a good transition to
give them some facts and stacks about conceding right. According
to Troubau, you know, Trouble always looks up the stats.
Admitting when you're wrong can create a deeper emotional connection
with your partner. It shows a commitment to honesty and
vulnerability and your relationship and gives your partner more security

(18:46):
and knowing that you are committed to making things right
between you rather than being right in an argument, Being
honest and admitting when you are wrong can inspire your
partner to do the same, making brave honesty and humility
a making making brave honesty and humility a norm in
your relationship, Admitting when you are wrong can strengthen your
emotional connection with your partner. And remember, vulnerability is sexy,

(19:08):
so it may also strengthen your sexual intimacy.

Speaker 2 (19:11):
That's insane, that last one there, I know it is sorry,
and remember, vulnerability is sexy, so it may also strengthen
your sexual intimacy. We've spoken recently about how our sexual
intimacy has gone through the roof, and though we know
there are a couple other factors that probably lend to that,
I do think that me finally finding ways to take

(19:35):
accountability and admit fault and saying to myself, Babe, I
didn't do that quite right, or I might have been
wrong in this moment and being okay with that genuinely
has definitely heightened that so intimacy because we no longer
have those long bouts of like contention.

Speaker 3 (19:52):
So let me ask a question.

Speaker 1 (19:53):
What got you to the point where it was like,
you know what, let me just start admitting when I'm
wrong rather than fighting to the death.

Speaker 2 (19:59):
It was a lot of one learning, it was a
lot of un learning. I know that the way I
was raised, and I even see it as an extension
of my mom. There's this aim for perfection. There's this
aim to not be wrong. It's the aim to always
be in someone's good graces. It's to be the people pleaser.
Is to not do things that people may look at,
you know, with any kind of like fault or so

(20:21):
when I so growing up that way accepting accountability for
something wrong, what do you mean, No, I didn't do
anything wrong. I never intended to do anything wrong, so
it was not my fault.

Speaker 1 (20:33):
So it wasn't about being right. It's just I'm not
wrong exactly. So you didn't have to prove that you were.

Speaker 2 (20:39):
No exactly. And then, I mean, there were moments where
I felt like I had to prove my point or
prove how I arrived at a complete in a certain situation.
I've said that on previous podcasts where It's like, do
you not want to hear why I got to this
point or how I got here? You just want me
to accept accountability and understand where you're coming from and
move on. And it had a hard time doing that
for a long time because I think as a child

(21:00):
growing up, there was always this pursuit of perfection that
I was striving for, and I never wanted someone to
see me in a negative light, or I never wanted
someone to be upset by something I did. As a child,
I was a pleaser. You know, do well for your parents,
be the example. You're the oldest child, you're the oldest grandchild,
you're the oldest cousin. So all of that pressure for
so long, I think for me manifested itself in our relationship,

(21:23):
Whereas I always wanted to be held in that regard.
So when I did something that was not favorable to
you or something you didn't agree with, I completely took
that as I'm the worst person in the world. Let
me find a way to deflect, Let me find a
way to just argue my way out of this situation.

Speaker 1 (21:39):
Funny thing is I can see all of those things
now when I look back at how we used to
go through arguments and debates. I'm like, she's not even
trying to understand where I'm coming from.

Speaker 2 (21:48):
She just had to tell you that I'm here and
I didn't do something. And it wasn't until I think
you were able to see even just existing in this
household for the past three years with my parents and
how they interact, and there's a lack of accountability there.
It's the blame game a lot of the time, and
I'm just like, I don't want us to end up
like that.

Speaker 1 (22:07):
You and your mom are very similar in that even
when I try to tell Mom something that I noticed
and it's like, Mom, I'm not blaming you, I'm just
showing you something, her first thing is just like, well
I didn't.

Speaker 2 (22:17):
Oh yeah a lot.

Speaker 3 (22:18):
I'm not saying you the only one. I'm just saying
I noticed.

Speaker 1 (22:21):
But then that's when I started to realize, like, dang,
Kay does the same exact thing. Like the minute something happens,
she wants to put out that.

Speaker 2 (22:28):
I was to blame you and think about the story's
mom has shared with us about her growing up.

Speaker 1 (22:33):
And I understand why she why She's like, well, I
was I.

Speaker 2 (22:36):
Was walking the straight and narrow and this happened, It
wasn't me.

Speaker 3 (22:39):
Did we explain that story with your mom?

Speaker 1 (22:40):
And this is important I think you might have we
talk about we talk about understanding your spouse's parents, and
you understand that mom told me a story about working
the late shift at Burger King and she got off late,
she got on the bus and she got home and
it was past twelve o'clock.

Speaker 3 (22:56):
And when she got to.

Speaker 1 (22:57):
The home she was staying in here in America, Yeah,
which was a friend of the family, in your family,
they locked her out and she had to sleep on
the floor in the hallway because they thought she was
out gallivanting, which to me, that would automatically create a
trigger in my mind. Sadly, I can't do anything outside
of what they deem to be wrong, because if I do,
I'm going to be.

Speaker 3 (23:16):
Outside on the floor.

Speaker 2 (23:16):
Absolutely.

Speaker 1 (23:17):
And then I see how she raised her kids, always
show them like, don't let anyone see you do anything
outside of the toe.

Speaker 2 (23:26):
Be the perfect model, child, model, citizen, model worker, like
that was her lifestyle and that's how she grew up.
So in that vein, I can see how it manifested
myself itself in our relationship and the way I deal
with you, and I had to realize, like it's okay
to be misunderstood in a moment, or it's okay to
be wrong in a moment. It's okay to not have

(23:47):
made the right decision. Mom and I are the main
two who do laundry in this house, right, the dryer,
the little part that pulls out all of the lint,
the lint trap. Something broke on the lint trap. So
Mom is like, the limp trap is broken. I can't
pulled out. I don't know what happened. And I was like, Mom,
you and I are literally the only two that used
the dryer, like right, and I know I didn't break it,
so right, And she's like, well, I don't know. It

(24:08):
wasn't me. It's like, okay, Mom, it's fine, Like no
one's blaming you. I'm just wondering what happened to the
lin trap so we can potentially get it fixed. It's fixable,
it's okay. But it was like in that moment, that's
just a small example of how it was, like, WELLHY
didn't And I'm like, I'm not blaming you. We just
want to figure out how to fix it. So I
know that's where a lot of it comes from with me.
So I've learned to in conceding in the relationships, saying
you know, okay, you were not right, and it's okay

(24:31):
because Deval understands. We can talk about it and you
live to see another day.

Speaker 1 (24:35):
You don't it don't or you don't always have to
be right in order to move forward emicably. Yeah, I
had to learn that too, with just conceding power or
conceding control, because in my mind, I feel like I
have to be in control of my family because I'm
responsible for my family. If something goes wrong in this family,
whether it's you, whether it's the kids, the first person

(24:55):
the gonna look at is me. So since I'm the
one that everyone looks setting to say, well, you have
to be, you know, the person that leads the family.
I always felt like I have to be in control,
do it my way because I know that my way
works for me absolutely, And then I always used to
project that on you and the kids because it was

(25:17):
just like, I know my way works for me, and
since I'm responsible to provide and protect, can y'all just
do it my way so I.

Speaker 3 (25:22):
Know it'll get done.

Speaker 1 (25:24):
And I had to learn that my process works for
me because that's my process. My process is not always
going to work for you or the kids, or even
my friends who who were in business together. Like, I'm
learning that now that it's okay to concede your process
to other people. So if there's one thing I had
to learn to give up, it was give up that

(25:45):
and not just with you, but with everybody. You know.
I got business partners I work with, I got kids,
you know, I got people that I mentor, and I'm
always trying to tell them to do it this way.
And then I've watched people be successful not doing things
my way. So I've learned to concede it and be like, hey,
figure it out.

Speaker 3 (26:03):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (26:03):
October third makes twenty two years since we've been together.
And in those twenty two years, I feel like I've
seen you try to control right, and it's not because
you try to control people. People come to you and
ask questions and say, deval, how should I do or
WHW can I be successful at? Or how do I
start this business? Or if I want to be an actor,

(26:24):
what do I do? And I've seen you pour yourself
and your time and your wisdom into people to tell
them the way to do things, and then they don't
do it, and then you end up frustrated because they
didn't do what you told them to do because your
life so listen, it worked for me. It was guaranteed
if you would have followed this blueprint, you would have
done X, Y Z, and then you wouldn't have to

(26:45):
rely on me to help you do things. But I've
noticed that you've definitely stepped back in the past few years.
Your hair's grown back, you know what I'm saying. I
would attribute that to you not being stressed out about
everybody else's issue.

Speaker 3 (27:00):
I know where near stresses I was, because you've.

Speaker 2 (27:01):
Literally let people be and everyone has their process, and
I love that you found a way to be able
to do that and really just focus your time on
energy on yourself and especially the boys. Even me. Some
things you've been telling me for years that I should
do in a certain kind of way, and I'm just
like to VALI, I have my own process. I'll figure
it out in my own time. And it took a
while for you to figure out how to let that go.

Speaker 1 (27:20):
Yeah, I mean I had to learn that conceding control
gave me space to have peace, because when you try
to control everything, and you realize that you can't control
all of these billions of people walking around on the earth.
That's what used to be stressing me out. You know,
why don't my brother do it this way? My sister?
Why don't my parents just listen? Why don't Cay just
do this? Why don't her brother and sister? Why the
kids don't? And all of that stress you used to

(27:41):
keep me up at night. When I learned to concede
control and focus on the things that I can control,
I became more productive for myself, which ultimately helped me
become more productive for my family and my friends. And
I think to me that was the most powerful thing
about learning to concede control is that you really can
control only what you can put your hands on. So

(28:05):
even if someone comes to you. This is a perfect example.
Kay likes to come to me and say, Hey, which
dress do you like? The black one of the red one.
I know for a fact that I'm gonna pick the
red one because the red one is my favorite color.

Speaker 3 (28:19):
So I go by about like the red one. Then
she gives me every reason in the.

Speaker 1 (28:22):
World why I should pick the black one, and I say,
I like the red one, and she says, Okay, goes
in the room, comes out wearing a black one, and
I said, why you got on the black dress cade?
And she goes, oh, it goes on my shoes. And
I said, well, if you knew you was gonna wear
what you wanted to wear, why did you ask me?
And that used to bother me. Now, okay, hey, which

(28:43):
one do you like? The black one of the red one? Babe?

Speaker 3 (28:45):
Which one do you want to wear?

Speaker 2 (28:46):
Can I let you in a little thing that I've learned?

Speaker 1 (28:50):
All right? Let me learn, because I mean gave.

Speaker 2 (28:53):
Up, gave I know, I get it, and now I
really genuinely only ask your opinion about something if I
genuinely don't know, And I could go either way.

Speaker 1 (29:04):
If they're appreciate that, because that annoys the fuck out
of me when I tell you exactly what I want
to wear and you wear the opposite.

Speaker 2 (29:11):
If there's a bit of an inkling that I might
be leaning one way, I'm gonna just go that way.

Speaker 1 (29:15):
I appreciate you for that.

Speaker 3 (29:16):
Don't waste neither one of.

Speaker 2 (29:17):
Our time because there's no point in it. That's so funny,
And I feel like a lot of women do that
because I think I've even seen a meme that someone posted.
It's just like you know, asking my wife asking me
what to wear, and then I ended up wearing whatever
she decided on.

Speaker 1 (29:30):
Anyway, there are a lot of things that can be
related to gender that a lot of people don't want
to admit, but it's the truth. For example, I watch,
like all of my friends that have girls, I watch
them with their daughters. Right, I watch them, baby, what
do you want to eat?

Speaker 2 (29:48):
Don't know?

Speaker 1 (29:49):
And if they're constantly asking this little girl, she's three,
she don't know what she wants to eat, and then
they take them on this journey.

Speaker 3 (29:54):
If going to pick this and try that?

Speaker 1 (29:56):
Right?

Speaker 3 (29:56):
But they sons eat this?

Speaker 1 (29:59):
And what is what's really teaching me is that we
are all conditioned from young to be the way we
are and the way you know how we say. There
are no such things as gender norms. Those gender norms
wear their ugly heads from the time we're really really small.
Even you my young kids that have daughters, if they fall,
you watch how everybody runs to them when they fall
to pick them up. And what is sometimes what they say?

(30:21):
Who did that to you? Who make you fall? Then
the baby point is somebody who was nowhere there, and
then they fake run over to that person, hit them.
You made that baby for they do that to.

Speaker 2 (30:30):
Little girls exactly. And then when boys do you accept accountability?
Little three year old?

Speaker 1 (30:39):
When my sons fail? This is that? What happened when
the kids? When the when the boys fall or something,
what's the first thing that happens? I told you stop running.
They get reprimanded immediately. So it's just two learned behaviors,
and then they grow on and we expect these learned
behaviors to know how to am amicably get along. When

(31:00):
it's like the boy is like, wait a minute, my
whole life I was told to take accountability, and but
your whole life you was coddled. So now we're together
and you fall, and I'm trying to tell you to
take accountability, but you want to be coddled. Now we
have two grown people who are trying to keep control
over what they think is the right way, which realistically
there is no right way in life.

Speaker 3 (31:21):
You have to meet with your partner where they are.

Speaker 2 (31:23):
It's interesting, you say, because I think about a couple
of friends who come to mind who have daughters, some
only daughters, and a couple daughters and sons come on,
and the way that a lot of their daughters are like.

Speaker 1 (31:33):
Unruly, come on, I see it.

Speaker 2 (31:35):
I've been around a couple of people and I'm just
like wow, And they're people who I would have expected
hearing different.

Speaker 1 (31:41):
You would have never guess.

Speaker 2 (31:42):
I would have been like, oh, I thought they had
have had everybody on the straight and narrow, and then
their daughters are just hanging from the rafters and I'm like, oh, wow,
that's very, very different than what I thought. And I've
even seen on the reverse side a son who was
coddled and then the effects of how he and.

Speaker 1 (31:57):
You see and you see what happens when the boy
who's cot And what do they say when a young
boy is caddle like a little girl and he grows
up to act a certain way, what do they say
he acting like like a mama's boy, like a bitch.
But the truth is is like when a boy grows
up and he's kind of like a girl, and we
look down on it, you should ask yourself, why do
we caddle little girls that way? Like? It's not fair

(32:19):
to ask, and it's not a boy versus girl thing.
It's not fair to coddle any little person, never expect
them to accept accountability, and then when they grow up,
be like, why are you act this way? You made
them this way. And if you caddle little girls, they
grow up to be brats. You caught a little boys,
they grow up to be mama's boys, you know. And
the truth of the matter is, and I know that's

(32:39):
a completely different topic, but when you learn as an
adult how to concede all of the things that you
were taught growing up, because now you realize I'm an
adult and maybe the things that were learned behaviors were
not the best for me. It's a powerful thing that
you can open up your mind to different things, you know,
seeing the world differently, a different perspective for me and

(33:00):
our relationship. It seems like the minute I learned to
concede for a little bit and just say, well, let
me just try to understand, you know, let me not
be right, let me not prove that I'm the smarter person,
let me not prove that I know what I'm talking
about is she don't let me just understand where she's
coming from. And it's like, wow, so it's not that
I'm right or wrong. It's not that you're right or wrong.

(33:21):
It's just from where you're sitting and you see that
that's why you made that decision. Okay, I can get
hit with that. Let's understant's let me understand why that is.
Let's unpack that right now.

Speaker 2 (33:32):
Let me come over there and sit from your possessive
and see what it looks like.

Speaker 3 (33:35):
And that's what conceding does.

Speaker 2 (33:36):
Right. And then I think, although it's not a matter
of who's right or wrong, there is a way to
admit fault or admits and say you know what, So
a couple of ways to admit that you're wrong. You
can just sincerely apologize, and it really means like sincerely apologize,
like understanding, not being like yeah, use right whatever and
the walk away. It's actually understanding letting your partner know
how your actions have affected that.

Speaker 1 (33:56):
That's important.

Speaker 2 (33:57):
You can also explain your thought process behind your actions,
but never make excuses. And I think that's the thing
I had to work on because I used to do
the first part. I used to try to explain my
process but then also use it as an excuse as
to why. And I was like, just because you punched
me in the face doesn't mean and you say sorry
doesn't mean that I gotta be okay with it, you
know that. Not that I've done that, but that was

(34:18):
just what analogy.

Speaker 1 (34:20):
Yeah, the analogy was with the even if, like, for example,
Ky punched me in the eye, right, and I'm like, hey,
why you punched me in the eye so well, there
was a fly on your eye. Yeah, but it still hurts.
I don't care for her. There was a fly on
your eye, so I punched it. It's like that type
of response is what we're talking about. You could have
easily said and this never happened. Guys, you said, babe,

(34:40):
I saw a fly in your eye. I wanted to
get it. I reacted really fast. I punched you. I
realized it hurt. I won't do that again. I realized
that it affected you, and I'm sorry. Let me keep
it right. That's that's way different than there was a
fly on your eye. Punched it. Get over it right,
The swelling will go down. I said sorry. That's another
thing when someone says stuff like I know what, but

(35:00):
I said sorry, get over it. It's sorry.

Speaker 3 (35:02):
Don't mean shit nowt me punching on your eye.

Speaker 2 (35:04):
Know exactly exactly. Let me reciprocate and listen to your
partner to be open and receiving criticism that it may
come with. Is there anything that you've learned I guess
over the course of our relationship. I know control is
one thing that you say you learned to concede. Is
there anything else that you feel like? You know what?
Kadeen is better equipped, so let me just allow her

(35:25):
to do that. And because I feel like there's a
lot of things that you just at now, your response
to me is whatever you want to do, babe, Yes,
whatever you want to do. And sometimes when you say
that to me, I kind of wonder. I'm like, is
he just trying to like patronize me, or is he
trying to be funny or what? And you genuinely be like, no,
I like whatever you want to do, because I don't
have the capacity or I do I care enough about

(35:46):
this in this moment to make a decision.

Speaker 1 (35:49):
I'm going to give all couples, business partners, friends a
pro tip right pause. If it's not important enough to you,
it down and waste brain function making a decision, allow
someone else to make the decision.

Speaker 3 (36:06):
Seriously, excuse me.

Speaker 1 (36:08):
Use discernment with who you allowed to make decisions for
you right, So when it comes to Kadeen, I will
allow Kadeen to make decisions for me. But it's only
because I trust and value that the decision she's making,
she's putting the necessary amount of effort into it. So
many people just want to make the final decision on
every single thing, even things that have nothing to do

(36:29):
with them, and it's a waste of time and energy,
especially if you're not equipped emotionally, physically, mentally to handle
whatever that decision is. Let it, just let it go,
just let it, let it be, leave well enough alone.
And I used to do that all the time.

Speaker 3 (36:46):
Remember we used to.

Speaker 1 (36:47):
Make decisions, and for example, traveling, I always used to
want to decide what time we leave, when we get
in there, what airline? And then after a while it
was just like why do I I don't I don't care.
All I want to know is that we're getting there safely.

Speaker 2 (37:03):
I'll take it back to even our wedding. Daval was like,
I want to know what colors we're doing. I want
these colors. I want the wedding to be all red
I want. And I was like, Bro, do you really
care about this or do you just want to make
the decision and have the control. And this is so
I wasn't sure what was.

Speaker 1 (37:18):
I cared because I cared for my voice and my
family to be represented at the wedding. So I cared
because it was said to me as a man, men
or men often get pushed aside when it comes to weddings.
So to be honest, I was pledging allegiance to my
gender and saying in that moment, I'm not going to

(37:41):
be dismissed just because I'm a man. Did I really
care that much?

Speaker 3 (37:45):
Absolutely fucking not.

Speaker 1 (37:47):
I did not care. I didn't even want to have
that big bro. I didn't want to have that big
ass wedding first of all. But the truth is, if
I'm gonna have a big ass wedding, everything ain't gonna
just be yellow because I got to be in that
motherfucker my favorite colors red, so I stood ten tools
down on red. But to be honest, I did not
care that much. And if I was doing it all
over again, I would say, Babe, do whatever you want

(38:10):
to do. This is the budget though, so we're not
going over this. This is the budget. Let me know
what time to be there, and I'm be in a
good move wearing whatever it is, because now that I
think about it, it didn't really matter to me. It was
everybody telling me that it shouldn't matter. Yeah, And that's
part of the problem too with conceding, right, Sometimes you
don't concede because everyone else is telling you you're supposed

(38:30):
to fight for that, and then you get done with it,
and you like, I fought for that, and I don't.
I still don't care.

Speaker 2 (38:34):
You actually fell right into what I was going to
say because I asked you the question, so I had
what my thing was that I was conceding to in
a relationship, and you kind of fell right into it.
First off, before I go on to that, and wanted
to be clear that Deval said that we could do
it again, and he's just telling what time to get.

Speaker 1 (38:51):
I'm not. I'm not conceding.

Speaker 2 (38:53):
Get a budget, give me the budget. It again.

Speaker 3 (38:57):
We can do it again with ten dollars. You find
a way to do it ten dollars and then we
can do it.

Speaker 2 (39:02):
Go ahead, good thing, I have a savings I'll taking
ten dollars.

Speaker 3 (39:06):
You see what I'm saying, guys, this is why this
is why.

Speaker 1 (39:08):
You can't That's what it is.

Speaker 2 (39:11):
But you fell into that by saying, now, my biggest
thing that I've conceded too in the relationship is conceding
to everything I thought based on what everybody else said
a marriage should be, completely throwing all of that out
the window.

Speaker 3 (39:27):
You just threw it out.

Speaker 2 (39:28):
I just threw it all out because I'm like, why
am I listening to people who are in completely broken
or fractured relationships, who are severely unhappy, who didn't even
have a conversation with me before I got married to
prep me on what the heck tics point? I'm like,
why am I even leaning on those everlasting arms because

(39:49):
they broke proth arms? Lasting?

Speaker 1 (39:53):
About that just gave me?

Speaker 2 (39:55):
Oh did I?

Speaker 1 (39:56):
Yes?

Speaker 2 (39:56):
I wonderful. I'm glad I did that for you. But like, literally, guys,
I've learned that conceding to everything I had even in
my mind about what I should be as a wife,
even as a mom. It's like on the job training.
Once you get there and you actually speak to your coworker,
you know, my partner here, deval, and see exactly what
it is that he needs and requires. That's when things

(40:19):
completely skyrocketed and got better for us. And over time,
I will say, because one thing my parents made was
a hard head, and I'll admit that.

Speaker 3 (40:27):
Yeah, yeah, you you definitely hard headed.

Speaker 1 (40:30):
And the truth of the matter is, though, I mean,
that's partly what turned me on.

Speaker 3 (40:37):
I don't, first of all, pause that can't.

Speaker 1 (40:40):
Be turned on my hardhead. That's mad suck, Oh my god.
But what I'm saying is is the fact that you
were like unwavering in your ideas really like intrigued me
as an eighteen year old because I never wanted to
be able a pushover. I always wanted to be with
someone who challenge and popular thought challenged me because I

(41:02):
knew that that created growth. Right. It's the whole iron
sharpens iron thing. It's like, if every night I'm going
home to someone who's gonna sharpen me or make me
think about something, I just knew it would make me
a better person. So I also want to say to people,
like learning how to concede when you've married someone who
you know is not going to concede easily, it's very
difficult to do. But if you learn how to work

(41:24):
within this relationship of conceding things that don't matter to
you and putting your energy towards the things that do
your relationship can really skyrocket because imagine two people, rather
than spending energy arguing to be right, just really focusing
on what I can do in my relationship to better
me and my partner. Imagine two people working in synergy

(41:47):
to do that.

Speaker 2 (41:47):
Folks, conscious effort.

Speaker 1 (41:49):
Like that's an unlosable force like I have. I feel
like I have no blonde spots. You know, because even
when we travel, the things you focus on, I'm never
worried about that. I'm well focused on. I got all
four kids, We have all the bags. You be checking
and seeing like, Okay, where are we going? Who is
this person? I'm not worried about who the taxi is.
My wife for got that. I got all four and

(42:12):
I got all thirty seven bags, and I'm good.

Speaker 2 (42:15):
You know what I'm saying, Little people in bags the
val Quis shack up and thank God for Jackson. Now
he's old enough to where he literally is corralling everybody
with us.

Speaker 1 (42:22):
What's my favorite thing? When we in the airport. Once
I get everything, what I tell the boys, Hey, let's
go inside.

Speaker 2 (42:30):
Order They look like the Wi Fi signals.

Speaker 1 (42:34):
From letter Koda, be cash the Chiro. Because I need
the oldest ones to have eyes on the but I
was able to create that thing for us as a
family because you created the whole itinerary.

Speaker 2 (42:45):
I know.

Speaker 1 (42:45):
And that's a perfect example. People say to us all
the time traveling, how with four kids no security, like,
are y'all able to just walk around? And I said,
because I have my tasks? She asked, task, and we
don't argue like I watch people in the airport with

(43:05):
arguing over simple things and I'm.

Speaker 2 (43:09):
Having meltdowns in the process too, and be like man.

Speaker 1 (43:13):
Man, I'm like man. And sometimes I look at my
wife and I'll be like, thank God, I don't have
one of those. And when I say one of those
is one of those people who just for example, I'm
not going to out them because I don't know if
they listen to podcasts, but people that we just met,
they have three kids, two really really young ones and

(43:36):
one that's like Kiro's age, and I watched them all.
They gonna say where I watch them because we all
be together watch them. And the mom asked the dad
to help with something. And rather than the dad in
this moment, because I was watching him, he was literally
doing nothing, just saying, yo, let me just do this
to help that why is it that every time I

(43:56):
get a moment and I'm like, y'all really about to
have a whole argument, and this child is in need,
this child needs to be serviced, and them two were
arguing about who was going to service the child because
it was supposed to be the mom's task, but the
mom was taking care.

Speaker 3 (44:11):
They have two that are almost under two.

Speaker 1 (44:13):
They were having another child that was having like a
true breakdown in the middle of where we were, and
rather than them handling the.

Speaker 2 (44:20):
Two children, they were doing for it.

Speaker 1 (44:22):
And they were standing ten toes down, and to be
honest listening to it, both of them had valid points.
The father was like, Yo, this was supposed to be
my task. I'm literally doing what you told me I
was supposed to do. And in that moment, the mom
was like, yeah, but do you not see that I
need help? And am I supposed to just say let
me juggle all of this? And I was like, you

(44:42):
know what. She kind of got a point, but he
kind of. But now, no, I did not jump into
help because I don't like stepping on toes when it's
married people. There's another thing I learned too. You let
married people go through married people's stuff. Don't ever interject
and try to be like, well, I's no, you.

Speaker 2 (44:59):
Don't know what I mean last year.

Speaker 1 (45:00):
That argument probably started ten years ago when they was
in college, saying she probably related a task to him,
and from then he used to know this is going
to come back and this was.

Speaker 2 (45:11):
His moment and this was his time to shine.

Speaker 1 (45:13):
But I remember us going through that.

Speaker 2 (45:15):
Yeah, all had moments at games times.

Speaker 1 (45:17):
I'm trying to watch Jackson and I was like, you
said you was going to do this, and now we
end up missing it because we're arguing over these too.

Speaker 2 (45:24):
Because I was like, why don't you leave the two
little ones with your mom? And I'm like, no, it's
a family day. Oh my gosh, oh my, I'm glad
you look at accountability walking through the door. Hello, Kadeen Ellis.
It was probably like your Lee's favorite thing ever in
life was to take all the kids, especially when Kiro
and Katz were the two under two, taking everybody anywhere,

(45:44):
and I was like, but it's a family day. We
can't leave half of the family behind.

Speaker 1 (45:47):
Before were going break because we're gonna have to get
a break. That used to be one of my biggest
pet peeves. And one used the biggest thing I used
to stay in ten toes down on. I used to
be like, yo, we not I'm not taking all of
these kids to a restaurant. I'm not taking all these
kids to a game because I'm gonna be the one
having to take them to the bathroom, taking the concession stands.
And Kate will be like, no, baby, you don't have

(46:08):
to because I don't have it. And then you know
what happens. We'll get to a game. One will fall
asleep in her arms and she'll be tapping me and
I'm like what she'd be like, so and so I
got to go to the bathroom, and I just look
at her like I'm like, it's the fourth quarter, our
oldest son right now about to drop twelve points to
win the game, and you want me to take this
one to the bathroom. And She'll be like fine, I'll
take them, And then now she's trying to juggle it.

(46:29):
I'm like, forget it. I'll go take the one. We run.
I come back Jackson and here the game winner. I'm like, hey,
did you catch you? Said? I missed it on my
phone because I was holding and I'm just pissed now Kate,
don't be standing in ten toes down. I'll be like, listen,
I'm going to j the game. I'm not taking these kids.
Kate be like, I'm not having this argument with you. Well,

(46:51):
I go with the game. K will show up later
with one mate and she'll be like, cash only one snacks.
You're not fucking this up for me. The code are
gonna have to get this pot change. You stay with
me and me and then we'll just take the older ones.
But that is a perfect example how we've learned to
concede yes and just you know, flow like water, baby,
you know, flow like water, like water, like water.

Speaker 2 (47:13):
All Right, y'all, let's take a quick break and go
pay some bills and we're going to come back and
get into listening Letters. Let's pay and bills and we'll
be back. Take care of y'all. All right, we're back,
and let's dive right into listener letter. That was a
really great episode so far. Ye talk about some good stuff.

(47:34):
Now let me see what y'all got going on today. Okay, Hey,
getting into val I want to start off by saying,
I love you guys so much, and you're a huge
inspiration to me. I love how you guys love each
other and how transparent you are with y'all's process and
sharing what works for you. So kudos to you guys.
Thank you. All right. I'm twenty five and I've been
married to my husband for six years. Y'all nineteen okay,

(47:57):
and he's twenty eight, so I get married at eighteen,
all right. Up until twenty twenty three. Up until twenty
twenty three, we were long distance because we both were
in the military. We're both out now because we agree
that we needed to work on marriage because there's a
huge strain. And this year we've been together full time
and it's been hard. Lol. We've been actively communicating, telling

(48:19):
each other our feelings and having to face them head
on instead of I'll talk to you later like we
would do long distance on the phone.

Speaker 1 (48:26):
It's perfect.

Speaker 2 (48:28):
He started to give our relationship a time frame that
we're not happy. If we're not happy by August twenty
twenty five, when I finished nursing school, then we should
call it because it would it meant that we would
have been working our relationship for two and two plus years.

Speaker 1 (48:44):
That's hilarious. It's been two years of this shit.

Speaker 2 (48:46):
I'm remember I told y out twenty two years and.

Speaker 3 (48:49):
Years and we're still working.

Speaker 2 (48:52):
The work never ends, baby. I personally don't think timelines
are necessary because I feel like that makes him look
forward to a potential end date. And if you really
want the marriage, why put a date in time to
the end. Are these feelings normal? Is it normal for
married couples to feel like it won't work at some point? Yes,
aside from the comment, he has been actively trying. But

(49:13):
since y'all have been met in the marriage game longer,
I figured I could give him a different perspective because
homeboy has severe tunnel vision on his thinking.

Speaker 3 (49:22):
Man.

Speaker 2 (49:23):
By the way, we have a two year old and
a one year old. Oh come on, chiall two one, two,
and y'all know we're big on the I know y'all
are big on the postpartum stuff.

Speaker 1 (49:31):
Yeah, yo, yo, This this one easy, bro, Yeah yeah,
this is.

Speaker 2 (49:34):
Real easy now swimming in that postpartum life.

Speaker 1 (49:37):
So women in it two and one right, they don't
have and they're not out numbers yet, but they have
both have a responsibility, yes, And they're both living together
full time for the first.

Speaker 2 (49:48):
Hard time, and they've been together since they were nice.

Speaker 1 (49:51):
They were nineteen So think about this. Y'all been together
since you were nineteen and twenty two, right you were kids.
Your six years you're starting to develop and become who
you want to be, right, So in those twenties is
where you learn the things you don't really know it
in nineteen yes, so you committed to someone you didn't know.
Right now you're getting to know someone while having the
stresses of two under two, while having the stresses of

(50:13):
both retiring from the military, while both living in the
same house at the same time for most of your time.
That's difficult. We've seen this with a lot of our
friends who retire from the NFL, NBA, or play pro sports. Right,
the husband typically is out all the time, seasons, He's
gone for months at a time. Woman creates a whole
program for the system for her and the kids. She

(50:35):
at home doing her thing in bow. He retires, this
is gonna be great. Dad is going to be home
to help Da da da Dad come home. Whole system
fucked up. And the reason why I'm telling you that
is because you probably think, now our marriage is terrible.
It's just our marriage. We're the ones having to have conversations. No, no, no,

(50:57):
that's every marriage. I have yet to see one successful
marriage that said, yeah, we got married fifteen years ago.
We never argued, we had our kids, everything was perfectly fine.
We never had no financial issues. I love my wife,
We have sex every day, she loves me. We hold hands,
and we look at rainbows. That's just not the reality.
It's not and I'm not saying that in a daunting way.

(51:17):
I'm saying that in twenty two years of being with
this woman as my best friend, right, there have been
times where we really did not like each other, but
we loved each other so much that we fell in love.
With the process of trying to be better, yes, and
to give yourself while in postpartum until August twenty twenty five,
I know you're gonna fail because if y'all stay together

(51:40):
ten years from now, it's gonna be something else you're
gonna have to work on. So I wouldn't put a
termination date. I would say August twenty fifth. Let's try
to find a solution by then, and if we haven't
found a solution, let's pivot and try something different.

Speaker 3 (51:55):
You know what I'm saying.

Speaker 1 (51:56):
That's what I would say.

Speaker 2 (51:56):
I see, that's a good point that you made. It's
like not the termination, but like, Okay, we've tried this
particular method, maybe the next method. By August twenty twenty
five is in walks of therapists and you guys are
going to couples therapy, you know, or the kids are
that much older, so we're kind of a little bit
more out of the postpartum woods. Or when I finished
nursing school, so you went from the military, the nursing school,

(52:18):
you're in nurse doing everything, just starting to live together.
You have two kids under two, Like, there are a
lot of variables that are stacked. And I don't want
to say against you, because this is your life, but
there are very a lot of variables that are against
against their aggression and your happiness.

Speaker 1 (52:34):
Because remember when it was just them, they probably were
their happiest, right, And then they have two kids, and
then you have retirement, then you have nursing school, then
you have postpartus absolutely, and you have hormones. Like the
truth is this cycle you're in won't be family, It.

Speaker 2 (52:48):
Won't be forever. That was us with Jackson at five,
and then we had caroenkas back to back and there
were so many moments when we lived in that Brooklyn
apartment where both of us were just like, so, how
can we copare if we didn't make this work? Do
you do you.

Speaker 1 (53:01):
Remember when I think it was the last podcast, I
just said there was a moment right after two after
that that was our lowest moment in our relationship. What
intimacy was the lowest? I think it was twenty and
eighteen nineteen A wanted.

Speaker 2 (53:13):
Jackson like that first five years of the marriage that
we had issues and that was just also new married people.
And then yes, after Cairo, after the.

Speaker 1 (53:21):
Tour, under two really did a number on us because
we feel like we couldn't get out left footing.

Speaker 2 (53:27):
Yeah, very much like a hamster wheel of like yeah,
but like not moving forward.

Speaker 1 (53:32):
So at the time I didn't know how much sleep
deprivation not only did a number on K but did
a number on me as well. So emotionally, you just
don't have the patience you typically have.

Speaker 2 (53:43):
Is like short, yeah, short, and your using short for
everybody like your kids, your spouse, your family. Yeah, there's
a lot going on here. So I think you guys,
like I really wish you the best and I hope
you guys can stay the course and stick it out.
I think ultimately, what it boils down to the val
and I lasted twenty two years is like you said,
my best friend, like I cannot envision and don't want
to ever envision life without him, whatever that looks like.

(54:04):
Even if we are in a tough spot rut, That's
what has pulled us through these through twenty two years,
is the fact that we literally cannot see life without
each other. And I want you guys to kind of
think of it that way too, Like can I imagine
having his life?

Speaker 1 (54:18):
Don't kind of tell them the truth. We're not wishing
well wishes, y'all will do it, because if you both
want to do it, it will get done. It's that simple.
You don't have to wish and hope and pray pray.
It without works is dead. If you both want to
beat with each other, got to put the work in.
You gotta put the work in and do it over time.
Don't expect it to be a year from now, this motherfucker. No,

(54:41):
a year from now, it might be something else. Slap
on the ass and baby, let's figure this out and
let's move it on. Like that to me is why life.
I enjoy life now. Problems come right and a lot
of times problems come and people like, damn, look at
this another problem. You know why I look at a
problem Sometimes I say, what a great opportunity. I see
problems as opportunities. What an amazing opportunity for Kadeen and

(55:05):
I to work on ourselves to get over this together,
so that on the other end of it, you can
give each other four like when I see stuff come up,
like that same thing with Jackson, when Jackson has an issue,
he missed a game winner, he missed a free throw,
his leg hurting, What a wonderful opportunity to say, Yo,
your leg is hurting. How can we get through this

(55:27):
for the rest of the season so that when you
get to the NBA you know how to deal with
that exactly. You know.

Speaker 2 (55:32):
Yeah, there we go. All you guys, you got it,
you got it, you got it number two. Go take
it away, baby.

Speaker 1 (55:39):
Hello, Kadeen and Daval. I'm writing to you guys to
give an update on my situation.

Speaker 2 (55:42):
You guys say, okay, let's go okay.

Speaker 1 (55:45):
I wrote to you a while ago. I was a
guy who tried multiple attempts to marry my girl. Oh
I remember, tried to take her to I can't even
pronounce this. VIC quest via Kisco she said, no, etcetera. Okays, sorry,
all my gas. I try to take her to viks

(56:07):
Puerto Rico, she said, no, etcetera. Well, since then we separated,
she decided to get her own place with her kids,
says she still wants to date. We still go out,
go on trips and do what couples do, quote unquote,
but we don't necessarily have the title of a couple.
It at first had me confused, because on one hand,
she's telling me to go out there and see if
there's someone who has all I want. I thought this

(56:28):
was her way of telling me she wants a date also,
but it wasn't that. As one, she gave me keys
to her new place. I believe belonging. I believe belongings, Daly, oh,
I leave belongings there. And two, I overheard her speaking
to her friends about how she wants space for herself
and it's not interested in getting to know someone else.
If she should get an itch, I'm her choice to scratch. Okay,

(56:51):
I'll get on this smashing them. Jeez a little bit.
My first separation had me real fucked up. I never
once begged her to come back or change her mind.
I helped her and her kids a situation, and I
fought my battles alone. I didn't ask her for the
ring back as badly as I wanted to. He actually
wears the ring on the right hand, which I don't
know if she knows Europeans where their wedding rings on
that hand. But anyway, but I firmly believe everything happens

(57:14):
for a reason, and us having time and part has
helped us become better friends.

Speaker 3 (57:18):
We have a weird dynamic, but it works.

Speaker 2 (57:21):
It works.

Speaker 1 (57:22):
Most importantly, this has helped me focus better on what
I want for myself and my future. I carried that
fairy tale thought and that was partially my downfall. I'm
glad you said that. Like I said, we have a
different dynamic, as everyone does. There's no one route to
life together exactly period. I help her when she needs
it because we still have something quote unquote, but we
don't focus on being a couple. Maybe I'll meet someone,

(57:44):
maybe one day she will be my wife. Who knows.
But what I do see is a better me in
any situation, God himself for me. See, we just talked
about this, brot don't want to take up too much time.

Speaker 3 (57:55):
So this is the update in the nutshell.

Speaker 1 (57:56):
Thank you guys for me.

Speaker 2 (57:57):
I am so so I want to give me four yes.
So this is removing the relationship portion of your story
and you talking about how you grew to be a
better version of yourself, which is ultimately what Daval and
I try to tell y'all day in and day out
on this podcast. Work to be the better version of yourself,

(58:19):
the best version of yourself that you can be prepared
for when that person meets you and they become your person.
Like I love to hear it, bro, thank you for
the update. I love that you actually provided us with
an update because so many times we think about randomly
these love these listening to other stories and we're just like,
I wonder whatever happened to such and such?

Speaker 1 (58:39):
So you know what, you know what stuck to me?
What's that stuck out for me is that he stopped
looking for the title and stopped saying what everybody is saying,
this should be this, and just accepting what it is
if he wants to live in that. He says it
works for them, Yes, you know who? That matters to them?

Speaker 2 (58:55):
Them?

Speaker 1 (58:56):
You know who?

Speaker 3 (58:56):
It don't matter to the rest of us.

Speaker 1 (58:58):
Yep, your relationship doesn't have to be what other people
wanted to look like.

Speaker 2 (59:03):
Yep, it doesn't have to be and it works for y'all.
And that might have taken some of the pressure off
her feeling like that he's trying to push for this
title and push for this fairy tale that he has
in his mind, where it kind of opened her up
to just kind of exist and say, maybe I miss
him a little bit, maybe I want to be with
him a little bit, Maybe this is the guy for me.
The process might be different.

Speaker 1 (59:23):
Remember we talked about not having obligations for each other
and had I created a deeper connection because I knew
you chose to be here and you knew I chose
to be here for him. It made him happy to
know that she still continued to choose to choose him. Yes,
when she needed to scratch it, she still has her

(59:43):
ring on. She gave him a key, so she's choosing
to do these things. It made him more fulfilled than
any title would have, because imagine if she accepted the
title but still.

Speaker 2 (59:52):
Moved the way she was moving exactly some things.

Speaker 1 (59:55):
Sometimes titles are in everything they are, and you just
have to do what's right for you. We don't know
her trauma and what she's going through to make her
feel like she wants a little bit of distance, but
to keep him there. She could have been through anything,
you know, for example, you know, finding out that my
grandmother had been through some tumultuous stuff with my grandfather,
and that was the choice.

Speaker 3 (01:00:12):
Literally, you know what I'm saying.

Speaker 1 (01:00:14):
She made the right decisions for herself, and that met
my Papa John.

Speaker 2 (01:00:19):
And they didn't have a title for years.

Speaker 1 (01:00:20):
They didn't and they weren't married, and they didn't live together. Yep.
He lived up in Poughkeepsie. She lived in Brooklyn for years,
like majority of my life. They didn't get married until
I was grown. Yeah.

Speaker 2 (01:00:30):
I think they maybe just celebrated like a tenth wedding anniversary. Yeah,
and then he just turned eighty, so you know what
I'm saying. So it definitely worked for them. I'm so
happy for the update, brother thing man, thank you for
feeling us. And I love to hear I love to
keep living. I love to hear it.

Speaker 1 (01:00:45):
The last thing is keep doing what makes you happy,
even in this situation. If after a while you realize
you know what I want something more permanent. It's okay
to be like, you know what, I think I'm to
find it. You know that the time was, what the
time was. I love the kids, I love you, but
I want my own wife and I want my own kids.
I think I'm going to go find that. That's okay
as well.

Speaker 2 (01:01:03):
Great, that's great, all right, y'all. If you want to
be featured as one of our listener letters, or if
you want to give us an update from a previous
listener letter. We even had a couple of listener letters
that I heard, I've seen in the comments or someone
has sent it to us, like I think I had
an episode with I don't know if it was Jazzy
or someone else, and they were like, we want to
hear davous perspective on this listener letter, So right back in.
If there's something that wasn't there, or if you want

(01:01:23):
Davous perspective on a Day with K episode, write us
back at dead ass Advice at gmail dot com.

Speaker 1 (01:01:29):
And that's D E A D A S S A
D V I C E at gmail dot com.

Speaker 2 (01:01:35):
All Right, moment of truth time. We're talking about the
power of conceding in a relationship and mine is pretty simple.
I think that where accountability meets conceding in a relationship
meets taking responsibility. Come on, that's where that was.

Speaker 3 (01:01:54):
Yours mine was where accountability meets maturity.

Speaker 2 (01:01:58):
Okay, that's a good one.

Speaker 1 (01:01:59):
That's where it was, and that's that's to me. We're
conceding in a relations where accountability just.

Speaker 2 (01:02:03):
One dual moment moment truth.

Speaker 3 (01:02:05):
We both conceded and came up with the same moment.

Speaker 2 (01:02:08):
That see and figured it out along the way. But literally,
for me, the biggest thing that I had to work
through as an individual, as a person, it's the accountability
portion of it and how that allowed me to freely
concede within my relationship knowing that there's certain things that
I am great at and I can lend into the relationship,

(01:02:28):
and then there's certain things that I have to let
Deval take care of or call for outside help or
whatever the case may be. But me saying I just
can't in this moment, and it's okay for me also
so comfortable that I've done the wrong thing and I
might have to pivot or Devot may have to come.

Speaker 1 (01:02:45):
In and save me, Like that's okay, that's what's up.
I minds simple. I've learned to concede control as a
man who who's grown up with an old school mentality,
it's you know, you run your house, and you control
list and you make sure. I've learned to be like,
you know what, I don't have to control everything in

(01:03:06):
order for us to be successful. And I've conceded a
lot of control, and it's been to our advancement.

Speaker 3 (01:03:11):
You know, it's helped us thrive.

Speaker 1 (01:03:13):
So shout out to you for that, shout out to
us for learning ourselves, and also shout out to our
kids for having the patience to go through this with us.

Speaker 2 (01:03:21):
Because especially Jackson.

Speaker 3 (01:03:23):
Yeah, he's the oldest. He's like the practice kid.

Speaker 2 (01:03:26):
You know. He gives us so much grace too, he does,
and he has those random moments where he comes up
and he's just like, Mom, I love you, give you
a hug. Dad, I love it.

Speaker 1 (01:03:33):
He said. I'm gonna keep telling you that he tad
this to me. Last night. I was sitting there after
the whole hip thing and him him once again me
being honest and be like, man, you know, Dad fucked up.
You know I put a little bit too much on you.
And he was just like, now, it's cool. You know,
I love you Dad. You know you really be watching
me and taking care of me. I said, I appreciate
that he's I'm gonna keep telling you. I was like, damn.

(01:03:54):
It made me feel good that he recognizes that I'm trying.
But I'm also not afraid of saying I made a
mistake exactly.

Speaker 2 (01:04:00):
And I think that's where the appreciation that like, yeah,
that dual reciprocity that we have with him is like,
it's great, It's great. All right, y'all, Keep on listening,
keep on sharing. Be sure to follow us on Patreon
to say exclusive dead Ass Podcast video content shout out
to our Patreon gang gang. And if you are not
following us on social media, where have you been? We

(01:04:21):
have a whole last page on Instagram dead Ass the
Podcast where you can see clips from other podcast episodes,
past podcast episodes. We're going to keep posting on there
and really cranking out all these episodes. You know, there
might be a throwback Thursday or flashback Friday, so you
can listen to an old episode that you might have missed,
And you can follow me at Kadeen I am.

Speaker 3 (01:04:40):
And I Am Devout.

Speaker 1 (01:04:41):
And if you're listening on Apple podcasts, be sure to rate, review, subscribe,
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Speaker 2 (01:04:49):
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Speaker 1 (01:05:02):
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