June 26, 2024 • 48 mins
When you make a vow to have and to hold your spouse through sickness and in health, what you're really vowing to do is support your partner through life's changes. In this episode, Khadeen and Devale discuss supporting your spouse as they grow and change. Dead Ass.
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
If you are in a relationship or married, look to
your left for tier right wherever your partner is.
Speaker 2 (00:07):
That person will not be the same tomorrow.
Speaker 3 (00:12):
Dead ass. And if your spouse does not change, I'd
be worried.
Speaker 2 (00:21):
Deadass.
Speaker 3 (00:24):
Hey, I'm Kadeen and I'm Devoued, and we're the Ellis's.
Speaker 2 (00:28):
You may know us from posting funny videos.
Speaker 3 (00:30):
With our voice and reading each other publicly as a
form of therapy.
Speaker 2 (00:35):
Wait, I make you need therapy most days. Wow.
Speaker 3 (00:38):
Oh, and one more important thing to mention, we're married.
Speaker 2 (00:41):
Yes, sir, we are.
Speaker 1 (00:42):
We created this podcast to open dialogue about some of
Li's most taboo topics.
Speaker 3 (00:46):
Things most folks don't want to talk about.
Speaker 1 (00:49):
Through the lens of a millennial married couple. Dead ass
is a term that we say every day. So when
we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts one hundred
the truth, the whole truth, and I think about the truth.
Speaker 2 (01:01):
Were about to take philosoff to our whole new level.
Speaker 3 (01:05):
Dead ass starts right now.
Speaker 2 (01:09):
Story time.
Speaker 1 (01:11):
So I could have picked a lot of different stories,
a whole lot of different stories. But I want to
go back to two thousand and nine. I had just
got cut from the Browns and we were playing in
the wedding. Andy K was still you know, she's believing
to me, so, oh, you get picked up on another team.
(01:32):
I looked over at K and I said, I don't
want to play football no more. She said huh. I
said I don't want to play football no more? And
she said why And I was just like, I'm tired
of doing this and it's hard to get back in
the NFL.
Speaker 2 (01:51):
And she was like, what about Canada, what about Ariata?
Speaker 1 (01:53):
There's so many different options, and I was like yo,
I said I don't want to play football anymore. Like
I made it decision, I don't want to play And
after about ten seconds of her looking.
Speaker 2 (02:03):
At me, she said, okay, so what are we doing next?
Speaker 1 (02:09):
And in that moment I realized I got a rider
because she's not trying to hold me to what she
thinks I should be. She's gonna rock with me no
matter I do what I want to do or not.
So I love you.
Speaker 3 (02:23):
Now. Look karaoke time, this song came to mind. We
have two versions of it, though I'm gonna go ahead
with the you know the way it came out.
Speaker 2 (02:35):
The fun thing is I only know the reggae version.
Speaker 3 (02:37):
Are you serious? It's so funny you definitely grow flat flat?
All right, Well, I was sing the version that I
know and that you can't. Okay, go ahead, you can
follow suit. Changes up. I ain't going through cause I
want to be with you baby. Don't you wanna be
with me?
Speaker 2 (03:00):
Boom boom boom?
Speaker 3 (03:01):
Changes up? Because I want a baby? Baby? What you
want to be with me?
Speaker 2 (03:12):
O operation? I don't even know, Like that's the only
version I know.
Speaker 3 (03:16):
That's the fact.
Speaker 2 (03:16):
What's who sings the original R and B version?
Speaker 3 (03:21):
Who was that? It sounds marriage? I don't even know
who sings that.
Speaker 2 (03:25):
I don't think it's married though, No it doesn't.
Speaker 3 (03:27):
Yeah, I remember who it is.
Speaker 1 (03:28):
We aging ourselves, you know, Anita Baker. I think it's
a Baker, Patty LaBelle and something wonder Mary Ji, it
is my wy.
Speaker 2 (03:39):
You don't have a listen?
Speaker 3 (03:39):
What's the four one one?
Speaker 2 (03:40):
See? She don't listen? I told her married four? The
four one one that was on the four one one.
Speaker 3 (03:45):
I should have known that off the top of my
head because that was my album. That's like my all
time most favorite.
Speaker 2 (03:49):
Mary Elmo Well, now.
Speaker 3 (03:52):
Four that was ninety two, ninety two yeah, I.
Speaker 2 (03:56):
Was, what was you sixteen? We're gonna take a break
right now, are we change?
Speaker 3 (04:03):
His spouse is sucuse that I want to see.
Speaker 1 (04:06):
We're gonna take a quick break and when we come back, yeah,
I'll tell you about the root time.
Speaker 3 (04:09):
But what was going through my mind when I told
he lost his chill?
Speaker 2 (04:13):
Okay, all right, we're.
Speaker 3 (04:19):
Back, all right now?
Speaker 2 (04:20):
You really thought I lost? I was like losing my mind.
Speaker 3 (04:23):
To be honest, I thought you were just in the moment,
defeated by the whole NFL culture the process, not having
real autonomy over like your future. So I'm like, Okay,
maybe this is just not the right team for him,
maybe he needs a new agent. Like I'm just thinking,
because I just saw how hard you worked through college
and then to be a walk on, you know, and
(04:45):
then the Lions, like the pursuit of all of that,
it just felt like your your path was being cut short. Yeah,
And I felt like you had so much more to
give the NFL space. There were records to be broken,
there were there were touchdowns to be made. You know,
you didn't even get a chance to make your splash
(05:06):
in the NFL. And it was almost like for me,
you weren't able to live out your redemption story. And
I say redemption story because there were so many people
counting you out because of your size and because of
who you were stacked against. You know, people who were
being drafted in when you were there busting your ass
every day. So I just felt like I wanted, like
one good season for you to freak killed it and
(05:27):
then you move on to the next thing. I just
feel like your NFL career, you didn't get to really
give it your all, but it was really only because
of other people's decisions, not your lack of hard work.
So as long as you felt content like you had
given it your all and you didn't feel like you
were cheating yourself, then I was okay with you moving
on from that because I was going to support you
whichever which way you went. So when I met you,
(05:49):
the NFL and you playing football was never get an
idea in my mind. So I'm like, all right, well
that was just the added bonus.
Speaker 1 (05:54):
I'll be honest about that. The NFL was never my dream.
Like I was content after college being an All American
and breaking records and being the first receiver to have
seventy five catches two years in a row, two thousand
yards over two years and twenty touchdowns. Like I was
content with football because I always wanted to be in entertainment.
Speaker 3 (06:15):
Yeah, I wanted those stats for you in the NFL.
I wanted you to be like, yo, I did this,
I made that, and spending yards that many.
Speaker 1 (06:20):
But you know, no, I feel you. I feel you
because you see me work so hard to get there.
But I never saw myself at any point saying like
I want to win the Super Bowl, I want to
be an all pro. It was always a means to
an end. My only goal in the NFL was to
make enough money so that I didn't have to be
a starving artist. Once I achieved that, I also feel
like I lost some reason to play.
Speaker 2 (06:42):
So that's why it was easy for me to just
walk away, because I knew.
Speaker 1 (06:45):
It's different when you're getting up and you're a walk
on in college and you got that chip on your shoulder.
You're getting up extra early to beat everybody, the workouts,
to get extra working. You know, when you get to
the NFL and you're a free agent, tryout, you getting
there early to it proved to people that you made
it and all that stuff.
Speaker 2 (07:02):
But then you make it.
Speaker 1 (07:03):
And then I only wanted to make a practice squad
to make one hundred K to buy as a house,
and I ended up making a two hundred and seventy
five K because I made the team. So I made it.
In my second year, I made the team again. You
know what I'm saying. I got hurt, which kind of
like I think in my second year, if I didn't
tear my meniscus and my btell attendon, my career would
have been different because I had the momentum from being
(07:26):
a free agent rookie that that was carrying me through
my second season. But also that work ethic and the
intensity that I put into training is how I got
hurt because I never rested for two and a half
years and I ended up tearing my knee. But once
I did tear my knee, that created the perspective of
what I really wanted to do. Because when you love
(07:46):
football so much and that's all you want to do,
nothing is stopping you from doing that. But when you
can't play football and you don't miss it, and now
you have to go back to that routine and there's
other things you want to do. I wasn't able to
put in a type of work to make those teams
the way those other men were like, that's just the bottom.
Speaker 3 (08:05):
Line, because for them that was the that was their passion. Yeah,
and it wasn't for you. And once I realized that too,
that's why I'm like, you know, for me, it was
never about the NFL or whatever money it would have
provided or stability. It had done what it was it
needed to do for us. It did give a nice
little nest egg for the beginning. You know, of course
that was we were heartbroken when the stock market and
the recession hit and everything crashed. All that money you
(08:26):
invested was lost, But it was just part of your story.
You know, nothing ever came easy to you, so you
changing paths. The one thing I did have was confidence
in you that whatever the next thing was all right.
Speaker 1 (08:41):
Because we hear so many women talk about supporting men
only having potential. To look at, how were you able
to stay so like steadfast and unyielding in your support
when all you really had to go off of was
my potential. It wasn't like I had a bunch of
(09:02):
contacts in TV or starting training businesses that you knew, Like,
how were you able to just be like, you know what,
I'm going to support him no matter what it is,
because so many women talk about the horror stories of
trying to support someone through their own vision that they
claim is their vision and nothing happens.
Speaker 2 (09:18):
Right, How did you do that? Yeah?
Speaker 3 (09:21):
I guess because I was able to watch you through
all of college just having that burning desire. There was
something in your eye. There was the way you spoke
about things. There was the plan and course of actions
that you took. It's always having the plan A and
not really a plan B. But just like yo, in
the event that I needed to pivot, I could, and
watching you make the team in college, well when I
(09:43):
got there, you already made the team, but just really
fighting for your place, working hard them six am runs
that you would get up for, and I'm just like, wow,
he really is relentless in his pursuit of being the
best football player in this moment. And then your path
to the NFL, seeing how you worked through that, I mean,
you had the mental fortitude that I hadn't seen in anybody,
(10:04):
no pair of mine had that. So I was like, man,
anything he says he's gonna do, he's gonna put his
mind too. Because I know I was the same way,
so it was interesting for me to find somebody who
I felt like, wow, really matched my intensity with wanting
to be successful and wanting to say I'm going to
do this and actually doing it. That was enough for
me to say, oh, whatever it is he want to do,
(10:25):
and then of course feeling like we were greater together.
And it could have been part delusion too, because I
was just so in love with you, and I was like, yeah,
it was in part delusion because I'm like, at that age,
you think you're invincible, you think your husband's invincible. Your
boyfriend at the time is invisible. So to me it
was like, all right, well we're all figure it out
either way. But knowing that I can see those little
(10:47):
ten bits of you, like it was easy for you
to be like fuck it, I'm not gonna get up
and go to run this morning. Oh okay, don't worry
about it. I'm just say here, I'm not going to
go to a study hall or whatever. Like you really
were about your business from a young age. So I
think it was part seeing that in part freaking just
being insanely in love with you and being like we
can tackle whatever it is.
Speaker 1 (11:07):
You just gave me my moment of truth, which is
crazy because yeah, because everything you said describing me was
literally how I felt with you, right. And part of
the reason why I was able to to make pivots
or changes comfortably was because I knew I had a
woman that if.
Speaker 2 (11:27):
Shit hit the fan, K can go, Earn, K can go.
Speaker 1 (11:31):
You know what I'm saying, Like k K does this,
Like she's she's a worker, you know, Like I watched
you all of college graduate with honors and be the
best RA then a D, then RD like you want
RA the year, A D of the year, r D
of the year you.
Speaker 2 (11:45):
Got your scholarship.
Speaker 1 (11:46):
So I just knew that whatever it is that you
wanted to do, you were going to achieve it, no
matter how difficult it may seem. So I don't want
to give away my moment of truth, but it was
in part just using discernment to pick the right part
that I just know, whatever changes are going to come,
I can weather right through that change because she's going
(12:07):
to be successful because I've watched her work. It's like
faith without works is dead, right, I watched you work.
You don't just say it, you actually do it right,
you know, So And.
Speaker 3 (12:16):
Call it a level of delusion or a level of
faith that we had in each other. It's like at
that age, I don't know what was. So that's what
a lot of this for me feels like, this was
just like a divine connection that we had, because who
would think that we really were that invested in each
other at that age to just really still be so
dedicated to each other at a young age and just
(12:38):
work together, you know. So that's why I don't shun
couples now who look at us and they come to
our live shows and they're like, oh, we're twenty one
and twenty three or we're done, and we look at
them like, oh, y'all are babies and y'all have time.
But you remember, people told us the same thing. They
told us the same thing. And I think the comfort
as we're talking about change and supporting your spouse through
(13:00):
change today, the comfort that I had is regardless of
the change that we were going through, A, we had
each other. B We had a plan, see, we had
the work ethic that we put into motion to make
it happen, and then ultimately we felt like if it
didn't work out, we had each other and wanting to
change and wanting to grow and having dreams and goals
(13:22):
and like seeing it and then working towards it. That's
the change you want. Like I said in my sound
by earlier, if your spouse is not mean to change,
then what exactly are we doing here?
Speaker 2 (13:34):
This is?
Speaker 1 (13:35):
This is I understand what you're saying, but this I
want to I want to bring out an important point though,
because a lot of times in relationships, the idea that
the part that your partner is changing often projects itself
as if you're not doing something, so your partner has
to change.
Speaker 3 (13:50):
I like like a negative, right, and a negative like.
Speaker 1 (13:52):
I like who you are right now, So if you
choose to do something different, something is wrong with me
because I liked who you were then, and I want
people to understand that that's not always the case.
Speaker 2 (14:02):
Right.
Speaker 1 (14:02):
If we look at these facts and status, it says
some factors that can contribute to changes in behavior and
personality include influence of the partner getting comfortable, and loss
based events. Research shows that relationship changes are associated with
changes in personality and life satisfaction. I want to stop
there at life satisfaction, right. I watched people our age
(14:25):
as we are both now on the fourth floor.
Speaker 3 (14:29):
It's so far.
Speaker 2 (14:32):
It is though, it is hit though.
Speaker 1 (14:34):
You get to a point in your life after I
would say twenty five where everything you thought was important
is not important. As we continue this, I guess that
for me, this whole season is going to be dedicated
to perception versus reality. Right where Force fed so much
(14:54):
information between birth to twenty right because your parents curate
what your life looks like, your friends curated, your educators.
Everyone is giving you their ideas and opinions of what
life is supposed to be. Once you get to about
twenty and you leave the home and now you're in
college or you're working in the workforce, and you're starting
to travel a little bit further than your front porch,
(15:16):
you start to develop your own perspective of the world.
And if you happen to meet someone while you're going
through this perspective change, that person is going to meet
you in that moment, not realizing that you're ever so evolving,
because as you live life.
Speaker 2 (15:32):
Your perspective changes.
Speaker 1 (15:34):
But that person often says, man, I met this person
right here, and I love that person that right here.
So as that person changes, and then you're just like, well,
I don't like to do this no more. And it's
just like, what you mean, you're changing? It's something wrong
with me? Is it's something I didn't do. It has
nothing to do with you at all. That person is evolving.
(15:54):
And now we're at forty. I see the world so
differently than I did at thirty eight. I see it
differently than I did it thirty five. I see it
differently than I did it twenty five. And I'm thinking
to myself now, like, man, imagine if I had the
type of wife who was just like nope, and I
used fictional characters because it's easy because you don't have
(16:15):
to blow anybody spot up.
Speaker 2 (16:16):
But think about Tasha and Ghost in Power, Okay, all right?
Speaker 3 (16:20):
And he.
Speaker 1 (16:22):
Wanted to evolve. He's like, I don't want to be
in this game no more. I want to be able
to and she was like, no, I want you to
be the biggest drug.
Speaker 2 (16:28):
They that's the man who I love, right, And it's
like wow or nothing.
Speaker 1 (16:33):
They kid they can, which is a tragedy in itself crazy.
It actually is a perfect example of someone being satisfied
with their life so they don't want anything to change
around them, but the spouse is like, I'm not satisfied.
Speaker 3 (16:50):
I know another couple who's the same exact situation, and
it's funny because it's not even that so the husband,
So I'm gonna say husband and wife. So the wife
met the husband when she was young. She didn't have much,
a very very sheltered view of the world, and he,
being a little older than her, was able to expose
(17:11):
her to a couple of different things and opportunities and
she's like, oh wow, there's life out here, right, So
then she got a taste of what life could be
like if I do a little more. So she started
doing a little more. And then she started doing a
little more, and then to the point where she's doing
now to him the most, and he now regrets that
I've introduced you to more because now you're doing the
most when I was just satisfied with the least that
(17:34):
I exposed you to. So it's not even now that
he's looking at her like me. She's just outgrown him,
And that's where some of the resentment lies, because she's like,
I want more. We're doing, like why can't we do more?
And he's like, you're a completely different person that I met.
You met a sheltered, more reserved, more meek young lady
(17:55):
who that's why you liked her. But now she's more
outspoken and she a chief things. She's like, I've seen
more life, There's more out there. Why don't you want more?
You know? And it's like, no one's wrong necessarily in
that dynamic. But it's sometimes hard for people to support
a spouse through change because the change, like you said,
alters their reality.
Speaker 1 (18:16):
You just you know, it's funny whomen we talk about
this being therapy for us. I've seen how we've both
done that for each other.
Speaker 2 (18:26):
Right.
Speaker 1 (18:27):
I gave an analogy to one of my homies, Robed Davon.
Shout out to my boy.
Speaker 3 (18:30):
Rob Robert, Robert meerkats cats inside joke, but we were
talking about people having windows in their room.
Speaker 2 (18:41):
Right, So I made up this whole analogy. Just stick
with me. But two kids are born in prison, right,
Two kids are born.
Speaker 3 (18:49):
In prison, born within the prison, born with.
Speaker 2 (18:51):
In the prison in an actual prison.
Speaker 1 (18:53):
Right. Okay, So they grew up in life, they each
had their own self, right, and in those selves, the
only time they could either see each other was when
they went out into the prison in the common areas
and they started talking, right, so they started talking and
you know, they say, hey, you in the prison, what
do you want to do when you grow up? And
the one guy was just like, I don't know. At
some point I guess I'd be a prison guard because
(19:15):
they're the ones who have controlling here. And another one
was just like, prison prison guard, I'm getting the fuck
up out of here. And then the one kid was like,
what you mean you getting about of here? Like you
sound crazy? Like this is what life is. They had
an argument. They go back into their rooms. The one
kid who said he wanted to be a prison guard
he had just to sell, right, just to sell nothing.
(19:39):
The other guy had a window in his room.
Speaker 2 (19:43):
So even though.
Speaker 1 (19:44):
Their life every day was exactly the same, same regiment,
they saw the same people. His perspective was different because
he had a window. So since he could see that
there was outside, he knew there was more more. What
happens when you have a window in your room and
you're able to share with someone who doesn't have a window,
you change their perspective. And sometimes if you can change
(20:05):
someone's perspective and they go when they travel, they can
bring you up and now change your perspective and a
lot of ways you and I have done that for
each other because we were both both very sheltered.
Speaker 3 (20:14):
Yes, growing up definitely, And.
Speaker 1 (20:16):
It was like there were ways that you showed me
different things, like I didn't travel that much out of
the country, and now you can't stop me from wanting
to go someplace.
Speaker 2 (20:26):
You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1 (20:27):
There are different lifestyles. I, since I was able to
make money at a younger age, was able to show
you how to travel differently. And now you like, oh
we can go first class, were going to private jet,
we can get a yacht, you.
Speaker 2 (20:39):
Know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1 (20:40):
And now it's like you exposed me to travel in
and now I exposed you how I like to travel,
and now you want to travel like that.
Speaker 2 (20:46):
And it's like we keep showing each other windows.
Speaker 3 (20:49):
Windows, and we keep changing.
Speaker 1 (20:51):
And I want to implore couples to not look at
change in your spouse as a reflection of you not
being enough, but just look at it as man I
opened up a window, the window to my spouse so
that that person can see more, and just be like, yo,
take me with.
Speaker 3 (21:10):
You, and you can blow that joint together and run
off into the subset. But you see what I'm saying
this is a really good analogy. Listening to you talk
really made me take enogy. But look at us opening
windows here during this conversation.
Speaker 2 (21:20):
No, seriously, Like.
Speaker 1 (21:22):
Having a conversation really made me think about it, Like
when you have changed, when your spouse is beginning to change,
that should be a positive sign that evolution is happening.
And start asking questions. Well rather than being like why
are you changing? Why don't you do this? Be like
whoa what? What sparked this change?
Speaker 3 (21:36):
Right?
Speaker 2 (21:37):
Try to get an understanding of what that change is
and see if you can be involved in that change
because you don't know how that's going to open up
a window when you're mad.
Speaker 3 (21:44):
That's true because it could be exciting, Like it doesn't
have to like complacency for a lot of people is comfortable, yes, right,
but for others it's not. Complacency is like what's next?
I need to keep moving, So keep opening each other's
windows up, y'all. That's such a great analogy. And this
is literally how to valoce and be talking to like
without Mike's, without cameras, without her crew, Like this is
(22:04):
like a random conversation over dinner. Whatno, no, It.
Speaker 2 (22:06):
Really gave me an epiphany.
Speaker 1 (22:08):
Like I went to look at some of these tips,
but like even some of these tips, it says, communicate,
ask your partner for their views on things, and communicate
about changes. Right, I haven't read these, but that's what
we just talked about. Be empathetic. Try to understand your
partner's perspective. We talked about that show support. Let your
partner know you care about them and that you support
them when they are down.
Speaker 3 (22:27):
That's something devas that you want to retire. I'm all right,
So literally, what we gotta do? What we're doing.
Speaker 1 (22:32):
It says create shared experiences, go for a walk, cook together,
or try to share something they like.
Speaker 2 (22:39):
Yep.
Speaker 3 (22:40):
Travel you've been trying to get me downstairs to play
pool some days. You know, I'm watching movies together. I
was never a big movie buff. Now you can't get
me out and not watch the movie.
Speaker 1 (22:50):
You know what's funny? Yep, I just can't. I have
a whole like the windows opening right now. Okay, but
even on my moment of truth, why do people say
marriage is important in general because.
Speaker 3 (23:07):
You have a companions.
Speaker 1 (23:10):
There's this whole thing about marriage. If a man doesn't
bring this to the table, he's worthless. If a woman
doesn't bring this to the table, she's worthless. I'm gonna
tell you how full of shit all of that is. Right,
As from a man's perspective, if women are chasing.
Speaker 2 (23:25):
High value men, high value men are.
Speaker 1 (23:27):
Just men who make a certain amount of money, believe
in God, take care of themselves, blah blah blah. There
is nothing a woman can do for that man that
he can't pay someone to do, which means whatever she's
bringing to him has to be deep more than that.
And just she can cook, she can clean, she fucks,
she's pretty. Because he can get all of that, he's
a high he can get all of that free. Do
(23:48):
you know what it is a woman can bring to
a man other than just nurture and like nursing him
opening his mind to evolution? Seriously, because if you, as
a woman, can make this man something further and create
more and do more, all he's going to do is
grow and to be a better version of the man
he already is.
Speaker 2 (24:06):
Now.
Speaker 3 (24:07):
Yeah, that's true. That's that's literally us like and.
Speaker 2 (24:09):
That's right same you want to high value woman.
Speaker 1 (24:13):
Right, If a high value woman says I got degrees,
I earn my own money.
Speaker 2 (24:17):
I stay in shape. I do.
Speaker 1 (24:19):
There's nothing that a man can do for that woman
that she can't pay for herself. Right, she's if she
got five degrees, she is a high earner and she
don't property, so then she don't need a man for protection.
She can hire a security service. She don't got to
cook and clean. She already stays in shape. If she
want to fuck, she can find a young boy that
she can just be like, Yo, I'll take you to
(24:41):
buy some ps fives and you can come by the house.
Speaker 2 (24:44):
When you come by the house, we can fuck. Like
I'm just being honest.
Speaker 1 (24:49):
A high value woman does not need anything but her
mind expanded. And that's why marriage is so important. You
have two different perspectives, and the further apart the perspectives,
if these two people are working in synergies to be together,
the greater the windows because now her perspective is so
different from his perspective.
Speaker 3 (25:09):
The rules that can be so much kitty and the
uniqueness and them, you know, really, just oh, that's that's
a good one.
Speaker 1 (25:15):
It just it just hit me why change is so
important in marriage and how it broadens the horizons and
opens up the windows and changes the perspective in talking.
This is why talking to someone who has a different
perspective is important because when you started talking, it hit me, right, Oh,
I ain't think about that.
Speaker 3 (25:30):
That's just like a human thing in general, because it's like, okay,
one human being. Because this is like thinking about same
sex couples, for example, one just may have a completely
different perspective than the other. Yes, So it's like if
you're bringing something that things that are so different, but
you guys united in similarities. That's really just another way
to further expand on how the relationship can grow deeper.
(25:54):
You're then empowered to go out into the world and
conquer and achieve and do all the things that you
want to do. Like that's literally you're right, that's what
we do.
Speaker 1 (26:02):
That's what we do, is you know we do, And
that's why marriage is so important. That's why friendships and relationships.
Speaker 3 (26:07):
Are so Friendships are the same thing, right.
Speaker 1 (26:09):
Stop Stop looking for friends that all just believe the
same things you believe. Stop looking for friends who live
the same exact lifestyle you live, because then if everybody
has the same amount of windows in their room, no
one can teach anybody anything that's true, and that's why
it's important to look for changing your spouse because if
(26:29):
your spouse has changed stayed the same ten, fifteen, twenty years,
if they haven't grown, that means that they haven't even
pushed you to grow. And you have to start looking
at yourself like, damn, am I in the same spot
for fifteen years doing it? Because and it does matter
how much money you have. Growth it doesn't only.
Speaker 2 (26:47):
Mean economics, No, sure doesn't mean economics. It's like you
could be a billionaire.
Speaker 1 (26:52):
Say you was born into money, he's born into money,
and you marry a woman who was born into money.
Y'all got all the money in the world. Ll y'all
do a city of your house and yaya and do
the same things.
Speaker 2 (27:02):
It was growth there.
Speaker 1 (27:03):
Yeah, you've died accomplishing nothing and bringing nothing to humanity
or bringing anything to each other.
Speaker 3 (27:09):
Yeah. I'm still on the friendship portion of it too,
because I think about how important this is when we
talk about the friendships that we choose to engage in
and then sometimes letting those friendships grow a go sorry
because A it's not sharing the similar similarities also too,
as hard as friends when you grow past your friends
and you change, then you it kind of catapults you
(27:31):
into a different realment like that, Yeah, you're in a
different friend group, and it's just like, damn, like the
people who I used to be friends with, the people
who I used to you know, be in the group
chat with, chopping it up about random things like we
don't even have things in common anymore because their windows
are not open, right, that is the truth they have
any And even if I do say, hey, come in
my room and look through my window, there has to
(27:54):
be something innate to make them want to make that move,
you know, particular with friendship.
Speaker 1 (28:00):
No, You're absolutely right, because some people can't see a
window and then just be like, I'm not interested. I'm
happy where I am, and understanding that that's okay too, right, right, right,
even if you do have a spouse who was just
like my spouse is not interested in changing at all,
finding empathy and being okay with the fact that cool
you can do that. I want to change, you know
(28:22):
what I'm saying, Also understanding that change scares people. You
show somebody a window, I think it was, was it
Sojourner truth or Harriet Tubman truth?
Speaker 3 (28:33):
Came up the other day too with us, and he
was like.
Speaker 1 (28:35):
You said something wild about Sojournal Truth, and yo, I
don't think it.
Speaker 3 (28:40):
Was the Journal Truth. I was trying to say. I
was trying to say somebody else that says the Journal
Truth by accident.
Speaker 2 (28:43):
Yeah you did.
Speaker 1 (28:44):
But it was something crazy though, Like it was something
It was something with pop culture.
Speaker 2 (28:47):
And he was like who said that? He was like,
what was it? The Journal Truth?
Speaker 1 (28:49):
And I was like, yeah, in the fourteen hundreds, Like
the fuck is you're talking about?
Speaker 3 (28:54):
You about something that I can't remember that right now?
Speaker 1 (28:57):
Butt ahead, I think it was Harriet Tubman said I
freed thousands of slaves, and I would have freed thousands
more if they knew they were slaves. Yes, the truth
of the matter is a lot of us are enslaved mentally,
and the idea of change scares us. So we'd rather
stay in whatever circumstance we are in. Because they'll also
(29:21):
say this, the devil I know is better than the
devil I don't.
Speaker 3 (29:25):
That's a fact. You know what I'm saying, to pay
yourselves for mental slavery, men, but ourselves can free our minds.
Speaker 2 (29:31):
You know this.
Speaker 1 (29:32):
This round of podcasts all have the similar message.
Speaker 2 (29:39):
Perspective versus reality.
Speaker 3 (29:41):
Challenging thing that's been happening for us.
Speaker 2 (29:44):
I think it's because that's what it is.
Speaker 3 (29:47):
Because so we give y'all the cheat code. So all
of my people listening who are in there, like late teens,
early twenties, thirties, like we're trying to get y'all to
be trying to put you onto game from early from
now to be like, guys, this is what you look
forward to, because think about it. We had recently said,
you said, I can see why my godfather, for example,
(30:07):
Uncle Frank moves the way he moves because he's in
his sixties and he doesn't see all of this already.
So when you see older men and women who are
they're unbothered. They're not worried about the riff raff. Who
do we say more recently, oh, Denzel, was it that
he just be chiling? He mind his business? States is
because he's seen all of this already. He's not getting
(30:28):
were like at this age in life, they're not getting
involved in all of the heat shady. They're gonna sit
by their window, look out their window and like the
view from where they're at, y'all can stay over here
in prison.
Speaker 2 (30:42):
Let's take a break.
Speaker 3 (30:43):
Let's take a break.
Speaker 2 (30:44):
That's some windows we can look out of in the bedroom.
Speaker 3 (30:51):
How did we get here?
Speaker 2 (31:03):
And we're back?
Speaker 3 (31:04):
All right.
Speaker 1 (31:05):
There's a lot of times that podcast went in a
completely different because of the epiphany.
Speaker 2 (31:10):
But that's also God working because we're talking.
Speaker 1 (31:13):
About trying to curate ways to talk to people, and
then God gives you a message and say to talk
about this, talk about this right now, just to this
whatever you was talking about, don't fuck that. God said
that to God was like, fuck that.
Speaker 3 (31:24):
And that's the beauty of like the podcast that we've
been doing with you guys more lately, Like it's not
just like finding these really structured topics to talk about.
It's kind of like whatever is in our heart in
this moment, and we just asked God to be a
vessel to deliver whatever it is that he wants us
to deliver to y'all in that moment because it's going
to help somebody, it helps us along the way, and
we love it here.
Speaker 1 (31:45):
Absolutely because God be looking down at us sometimes like
look at this, Nick, the fuck is you?
Speaker 2 (31:51):
That is not what I told you to do, That.
Speaker 3 (31:53):
Is not what I said, what I told you how
I intended for it to be.
Speaker 2 (31:56):
You know what, mute?
Speaker 1 (31:59):
Now you can't talk no more. Now you had a stroke?
Why because you ain't do what God told you to do?
Now look now, look value, you are a mess. How
did we get here? I told me to tell you
all that too, mass start playing with God, bro, I'm
telling them period, telling them.
Speaker 2 (32:15):
Let me go first.
Speaker 1 (32:17):
All right, hey, Kadeen and the vow sup. First, I
want to thank you for doing what you're doing. You
are so relatable, You're still young on the fourth floor.
That's the fact you offer wonderful advice content. Thank you
so much, which is why I'm reaching out. I've been
with my boyfriend for close to two years. We live together,
and overall he is a wonderful boyfriend. He makes me laugh.
He's very caring, kind and compassionate. But that's all that
(32:40):
he is similar to you both. My father is from
Brooklyn Crown Heights and he is also Caribbean big up beliefs. Yes,
like a lot of Caribbean families, they raised their daughters
especially to be a value, to take your education seriously
and to be self sustaining. I have honed in on
that advice and I'm blessed to have my master's in education.
(33:00):
I am a teacher with a good salary. I can
take care of myself financially. I'm also a deep thinker,
a knowledge seeker, and I crave stimulating conversations. Okay, a
boyfriend is not he barely graduated high school with an
acceptable GPA.
Speaker 3 (33:14):
How do he become your boyfriend?
Speaker 1 (33:15):
Yes, that's a good question. And his only higher education
is a culinary certificate. We know how he probably slang
in that thing.
Speaker 3 (33:23):
Women can't get away from that man all right now.
Speaker 1 (33:27):
And his only higher education is a culinary certificate, no
degree to his name, no real college experience. His family
didn't even stress the importance of education to him growing
up like my dad did to me. So in our relationship,
I'm realizing it lacks depth. I come with a lot
of sight and comes with a lot of insight, perspective,
and knowledge, while he just merely exists. He doesn't seem
to know the importance of knowing how to have an
(33:48):
in depth conversation or to understand why seeking knowledge is
so important. It's one of the reasons I feel we
can't make true progress because I can't have a life
partner if I can't have deep conversations. Also, I'm the
bread winner and I pay more bills in him, so
I don't even feel like he's truly an equal partner.
Money is not the issue. Yes it is, but close
to two years and he's still in the same predicament
(34:09):
while I'm trying to further my career, my bank account
and my knowledge. I've tried talking to him, but he
doesn't understand. You don't know what you don't know, and
with a childhood like mine, I will never get it.
I try to explain to him, but I feel like
his mother. I feel like I'm with you, Cay, I
know what you're gonna say. Why are you still in
a relationship? I know.
Speaker 3 (34:29):
I feel like I'm telling me everything that's wrong. It's
like when you write the pro and con list and
it's just contons everywhere. What's the pro? Go ahead?
Speaker 1 (34:38):
I break so birth to the table and I'm constantly
filling his cup. But who's going to fill mine? Nobody
in that relationship salvageable or should I just cut my lasses?
Speaker 3 (34:47):
It's giving lost cutting for me. You just explain, you
literally just explain and walk through why he is not
the right match for you, he's not the right match.
I wish I knew how old she was, just how
old she was here. No, overall, he's a wonderful boyfriend,
makes me laugh, very caring, kind and compassionate. So those
are the pros. But that's all he is. That's not
going to be enough to sustain a relationship. Potentially caring,
(35:11):
kind of compassionate. Now, that's not going to be enough
to sustain it. Sis like you are.
Speaker 1 (35:18):
I will say this though, I will say this, it
sounds like he's a nice guy, right, But when you're
looking for a life partner, you're not looking for a
nice guy to be a life partner.
Speaker 2 (35:29):
And I'll tell you why.
Speaker 1 (35:30):
Right, if you're going into the wilderness, right and you
have to fight off bears and you need someone to
help you hunt and do all this, are you going
to grab the guy who's the nice guy who can
make you laugh.
Speaker 2 (35:39):
No, you're going to grab the guy who's resourceful.
Speaker 3 (35:41):
Yes, and enuity you can figure it out and that and.
Speaker 2 (35:44):
That goes both ways.
Speaker 1 (35:46):
I'm going if I'm going into the wilderness, right, I'm
not going to just grab the prettiest girl to survive
in the wilderness.
Speaker 2 (35:52):
Because life is the wilderness. We're all working.
Speaker 1 (35:54):
I'm going to grab the most resourceful person who if
I don't know what's going on here, I can look
at her and be like, can you figure this out?
Speaker 2 (36:01):
Facts A Mica is gonna look to her and be like, oh,
she looks great, and are we going to go into
the wilderness and then get killed by bear and die?
Speaker 3 (36:09):
And right now says you're on the road to being
killed and mauled by a bear. Facts in the wilderness
with homeboy facts, I don't got much more to say
about this.
Speaker 2 (36:17):
And we love that you love love, but you just
told us why it's not going to work.
Speaker 3 (36:21):
And it's one of those things too where I had
a conversation recently with someone and she she was asking
me like, how do I motivate, you know, my guy
to want more and to be ambitious, Like what can
I do to be able to like spark that in him?
And my advice was more like, Okay, some people have ruts.
(36:41):
Some people have moments where it's like dam you know,
you have your downtime, especially if you're a creative, you
know you may not be in a creative mood in
the moment you need something to kind of spark that.
But there's certain things you can't teach someone. You can't
teach someone how to be ambitious, you can't teach someone
how to be self motivated, you can't teach someone to
want more. You can show them, you can expose them
(37:01):
to it, but ultimately it has to be something innate,
and it doesn't seem like he right now innately has that. Now.
I don't know how old this couple is. They could
be nineteen and twenty one and he's just still trying
to figure things out.
Speaker 2 (37:14):
So says, you got a master's degree though, so she does, Okay.
Speaker 3 (37:17):
So then yeah, ok yeah, yeah, okay, so you're definitely
a little bit older than that, I say twenty five, yes,
maybe roughly around there. But that there's certain things that
you just can't teach, and you can't will someone to have.
They either have it or they don't. And I think
this is a circumstance where he may just not have
been exposed to that kind of life. And though being
with you, you would think, Okay, he sees how I'm ambitious,
(37:39):
I'm driven, I'm doing all these things. These are the
things I want out of life. It may not be
something he wants.
Speaker 1 (37:44):
But this goes back to what we talk about a
lot on this podcast is using discernment and not being
afraid to say, hey, this relationship was what it was.
I learned a lot about myself. I learned a lot
about the type of person I want to date, and
you're just not that. That don't mean that you're a
bad person. You're just not the person for me, and
(38:04):
being okay, saying that's cool because I'm not going to
settle in my life to make you and everybody else
feel happy about how I should live my life, because I'm.
Speaker 2 (38:12):
The only person responsible for that.
Speaker 1 (38:14):
Using discernment means I can tell after dating and dating
takes time.
Speaker 2 (38:18):
Dating is not two dates.
Speaker 1 (38:19):
You might date someone for a year of two years
and saying, you know what, el this two year span,
I realize that this is not what I want for
the rest of my life.
Speaker 2 (38:26):
So we can go out separate ways. You know, that's
what I agree.
Speaker 1 (38:29):
I just think, you know, based on what she said,
I would say, hey, mama, go and find someone else
that has the same type of work ethic and will
and drive that you have and don't feel based on
listening to the internet, what everyone telling you your standards
are too high, and you're going to be by yourself
because when you're gonna do lower your standards and end
up being miserable with someone, I'd rather be by myself
(38:50):
with high standards.
Speaker 2 (38:51):
Than be with someone that I got to carry for
the rest of my life.
Speaker 3 (38:56):
So all right, now, good luck to you, says Number two.
Hey to Valancadin, I love listening to y'all. I can
truly take something positive from each episode, whether it's related
to my marriage, family, personal or just parenting in general.
Speaker 2 (39:09):
That is the hope.
Speaker 3 (39:11):
I love it. When I was listening to the Practice
Kid episode, it really put parenting into a better perspective
for me. For contact, I'm twenty eight with two kids.
My son is nine, my daughter is two and a half. Currently,
I'm struggling with my nine year old son constantly lying,
even about the little things. We have had constant conversations
on the importance of being truthful. We have tried many
different discipline mechanisms, such as taking away electronics, writing the
(39:34):
same sentences many times. You must be Withindian hardcore workout, spanking, etc.
Have you dealt with this and how do you navigate
this with your practice child? Thank y'all much love.
Speaker 2 (39:46):
I've dealt with this in my mentorship program. Yeah, there's
only one way. We haven't dealt with lying with our kids.
But do you know why lying?
Speaker 1 (39:54):
Lying doesn't come from lack of discipline. Lying comes from
a child not feeling safe to tell the truth. So
when you create an environment like what she said, hardcore workout, spankings,
writing sentences, this child probably doesn't feel comfortable because if
I tell you the truth, I'm going to get in trouble.
So you have to create like, stopping children from lying
(40:16):
comes from them feeling safe. If a child doesn't feel safe.
Speaker 3 (40:19):
Or comfortable communicating with you, they're gonna lie.
Speaker 1 (40:22):
Yeah, And if you really want him to stop lying,
make it okay for him to tell the truth and
he doesn't get in trouble. That doesn't mean you take
away consequences. It just means that they don't get in trouble.
Trouble means like a disciplinary action. So it's like, yo,
what did you do? Let's discuss how to do this again,
and let's try not to make the same choice over
(40:43):
and over again. After a while of doing that and
it takes patience, they call it gentle parenting and I
know a lot of Black and West Indian parents don't
like doing the gentle parenting thing, but we.
Speaker 2 (40:54):
Do like a hybrid. Right.
Speaker 1 (40:56):
My kids are allowed to make poor decisions and do
things in real time because I want them to learn
to pick themselves up off the ground. So my biggest
thing is I let them make a poor decision. We
talk about what's what happened?
Speaker 2 (41:06):
Why'd you do that?
Speaker 1 (41:07):
Like, for example, Jackson, you know, skipping out of his
reading and then his grades dropped, Right, what happened?
Speaker 2 (41:13):
Why'd your grades drop?
Speaker 3 (41:14):
Oh?
Speaker 1 (41:14):
Well, because you know I thought that this and this
and that and making it hues. I didn't have time, Jackson.
You had time. You chose to use your time for
other things. I'm not mad, but this is what happens.
So you do that, and are you happy with getting
a seventy on it on the test? No?
Speaker 2 (41:31):
All right, so then you got to fix it, brom.
Speaker 1 (41:33):
But what I didn't do was be like you got
a seventy, No more video games, no more this, because
now the next time it's like, I'm not even telling
them my pothect exactly.
Speaker 3 (41:43):
It's fair. Now at this post it's fair. It becomes hiding.
Those are all the things that you start to kind
of manifest in them. Like I love that with our boys,
We've given them, like you said, a safe space to
be able to say how they feel. So even if
it was something that and I had to curb my
own reaction, you did. I to curb my own reaction
because coming from my environment where like my mother also
too stressed the importance of not lying and cheating, and
(42:04):
you cheat, you go to jail, and you go to jail,
you do this. There was like this like subsequent chain
of events that happens. If you told one lie, you
end up in jail, cheat, then you still still you
go to jail, don't call me? And I was like,
how did we get here? You know what I'm saying,
like how did we get here? So I had to
curb the way I reacted to things when the kids
(42:25):
did something that was not to my liking. So it
doesn't even have to be a lie. It could just
be something that they do and I'm just like they're like,
oh god, Mom is going to be upset. So it's
changed so much now that where I don't react in
a way that they feel threatened or they feel like,
oh my god, Mom, is so upset. It's more of
a like, all right, buddy, is that right? It's okay,
what happened, Hey, mistakes happen, right, No big deal, Mommy,
(42:46):
Mammy used to spill things. Mommy used to do this too, right,
it's okay, you tell mommy, I help you, rather than
them trying to sneak and clean up and then do
it poorly, and then they're scared to tell me, And
then you're trying to figure out who told a lie,
and all of them are thickest thieves and they're never
gonna tell in each other. So you really don't know,
get it?
Speaker 1 (43:01):
You know?
Speaker 3 (43:01):
So do you always want to have that? And I
love that we have that with our boys. So that
your son is nine, there's still time to be able
to penetrate that, but not really because.
Speaker 1 (43:11):
To middle school that's when they start to become who
they are going to become. But ultimately it all becomes
about feeling safe. Kids only lie when they don't feel.
Speaker 3 (43:21):
Safe, right, feel or they feel like they're going to
be in trouble.
Speaker 1 (43:23):
They tell the truth when they're comfortable with someone who
they just like, okay, this but and what you said
is perfect. Sometimes the discipline can even be a lot
as long as they still feel safe. For example, Jackson
don't do something. He knows he got to get on
the treadmill and he got to get it done. But
what affects him is how I respond. What I'm saying
that I didn't do so and so and so. All right, bro,
(43:45):
well you made that choice, so remember what we discussed.
You only thirty sprints on a treadmill. He's like, all right,
as opposed to Dad, I didn't do so and so,
why the fuck wouldn't you? And now he feels unsafe,
he's still going to have to do the same sprints.
But my respeton, which is the perfect point, how you
respond to your kids as a parent shows them what
(44:06):
they should be afraid of. So, no matter how bad
it is, if you learn how to keep your cool
and stay even and you still discipline them, well hey, yo,
you stole so and so. You know what the consequences
are for that.
Speaker 3 (44:18):
Listen, And once you have a relationship with them where
they feel comfortable and they feel safe, they also don't
want to disappoint you. Yes, so if they know the
consequence or they see the hurt and the disappointment in you.
When the liah is told, you sit him down and
you say, babe, do you don't understand that that really
hurt mommy's feelings that you lied and you felt like
you couldn't tell me the truth in that moment. I
really really want for you to be able to feel
(44:40):
safe to tell me how you really feel, because it'll
give them then the space to feel like, Okay, yeah,
I can tell mom regardless of what it is. She's
not going to react, she's not gonna fly off the handle. Yep,
We're going to just figure it out. That's always my thing.
Don't worrybody, We'll figured out, buddy. We'll figure it out.
We figure it out, We'll figure it right. If only
(45:00):
was the same way with me and you.
Speaker 2 (45:02):
No, I got hit, I got punched in the chest,
I got smacked, I got beat with a belt. It
took my car away, took the video games away.
Speaker 1 (45:13):
No, not no, not for lying, but I did lie
because of stuff like that, Like remember I signed my
form one. Anybody who went to Andrews Hurdy Junior High
School shot out Flatbush know that if you get in
trouble or you you missing an assignment, you gotta get
your parents to sign a form one.
Speaker 2 (45:27):
A form one shows that you did something and your
parents to sign them.
Speaker 1 (45:30):
And I signed them ships and gave it to my
teacher because I wasn't even trying to hear my mother's mouth.
And it really had nothing to do with I didn't
want to get hit. It was it was just like
it was like, I figured I can't be bothering bothered.
I wasn't a liar, but you lied by omission. Yeah,
until parent teaching night comes and and they're like, well,
miss Ellis, we have these form ones that you signed.
And then my mother goes, oh really, and this is
(45:54):
me no eye contact. I'm just looking straight. I'm just
straight ahead, like and I if looks could kill. She
was burning a hole through my temple and the lady
is coming out the other side.
Speaker 2 (46:07):
And this was just me the whole time, like I'm
not hearing none of this.
Speaker 3 (46:14):
Oh my god, I'd like to see you and your boy.
I know, I know it gets better. It definitely gets better.
All right, y'all, listen the letters keep writing in. We
love to hear from y'all. Email us at dead Ass
Advice at gmail dot com if you want to be
featured on the show.
Speaker 2 (46:29):
Yes, that's d E A D A S S A
D V I C E at gmail dot com.
Speaker 3 (46:34):
Alrighty, moment of truth time. Well, you should go first
because you feel like you had it at the tip
of your tongue when the show first started, anxious to
hear what it is. Do you remember what your moment
of truth is?
Speaker 1 (46:43):
Yes, my moment of truth actually goes back to before
your partner has changes. Okay, it's please use discernment with
the people that you give your time to, because if
you choose the right people to give your time, as
they change and evolve, they will carry you with them
through that evolution and you will evolve as well, and
y'all can grow together.
Speaker 3 (47:04):
That's dope, super dope. I think mine is about change
in general, because we've had a lot of changes just
in general in our lives since the year started. I
want to say towards the end of last year, change
is good. In most circumstances. Change is inevitable. Fighting the
change sometimes can be to your detriment because you never
(47:27):
know once you push past that level of uncomfortability, what
more is on the other side. So embrace change when
it comes your way. When you have an opportunity, whether
that's with a job or a relationship or something really personal,
because just a peek through the window of what could
be different on the other side is sometimes enough motivation
(47:48):
to make you lock in and really lean into that change.
So I encourage you all when that change comes along
and it's looking good, Ride the wave, yeah, ride the
wave all right, y'all. Be sure to find us on
Patreon if you haven't subscribed yet. We got all exclusive
dead Ass podcast content over there, more ellis, family content
(48:09):
and all day case stuff as well, and you can
find us on social media at dead Ass the Podcast
and Cadeen I Am and.
Speaker 1 (48:17):
I Am Deval And if you're listening on Apple podcasts,
be sure to rate, review, and subscribe dead Ass, y'all.
Cut dead Ass is a production of iHeartMedia podcast Network,
and it's produced by Donorpinya and Triple Follow the podcast
on social media at dead Ass the Podcast and Never
Miss a Thing.
If you are in a relationship or married, look to
your left for tier right wherever your partner is.
Speaker 2 (00:07):
That person will not be the same tomorrow.
Speaker 3 (00:12):
Dead ass. And if your spouse does not change, I'd
be worried.
Speaker 2 (00:21):
Deadass.
Speaker 3 (00:24):
Hey, I'm Kadeen and I'm Devoued, and we're the Ellis's.
Speaker 2 (00:28):
You may know us from posting funny videos.
Speaker 3 (00:30):
With our voice and reading each other publicly as a
form of therapy.
Speaker 2 (00:35):
Wait, I make you need therapy most days. Wow.
Speaker 3 (00:38):
Oh, and one more important thing to mention, we're married.
Speaker 2 (00:41):
Yes, sir, we are.
Speaker 1 (00:42):
We created this podcast to open dialogue about some of
Li's most taboo topics.
Speaker 3 (00:46):
Things most folks don't want to talk about.
Speaker 1 (00:49):
Through the lens of a millennial married couple. Dead ass
is a term that we say every day. So when
we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts one hundred
the truth, the whole truth, and I think about the truth.
Speaker 2 (01:01):
Were about to take philosoff to our whole new level.
Speaker 3 (01:05):
Dead ass starts right now.
Speaker 2 (01:09):
Story time.
Speaker 1 (01:11):
So I could have picked a lot of different stories,
a whole lot of different stories. But I want to
go back to two thousand and nine. I had just
got cut from the Browns and we were playing in
the wedding. Andy K was still you know, she's believing
to me, so, oh, you get picked up on another team.
(01:32):
I looked over at K and I said, I don't
want to play football no more. She said huh. I
said I don't want to play football no more? And
she said why And I was just like, I'm tired
of doing this and it's hard to get back in
the NFL.
Speaker 2 (01:51):
And she was like, what about Canada, what about Ariata?
Speaker 1 (01:53):
There's so many different options, and I was like yo,
I said I don't want to play football anymore. Like
I made it decision, I don't want to play And
after about ten seconds of her looking.
Speaker 2 (02:03):
At me, she said, okay, so what are we doing next?
Speaker 1 (02:09):
And in that moment I realized I got a rider
because she's not trying to hold me to what she
thinks I should be. She's gonna rock with me no
matter I do what I want to do or not.
So I love you.
Speaker 3 (02:23):
Now. Look karaoke time, this song came to mind. We
have two versions of it, though I'm gonna go ahead
with the you know the way it came out.
Speaker 2 (02:35):
The fun thing is I only know the reggae version.
Speaker 3 (02:37):
Are you serious? It's so funny you definitely grow flat flat?
All right, Well, I was sing the version that I
know and that you can't. Okay, go ahead, you can
follow suit. Changes up. I ain't going through cause I
want to be with you baby. Don't you wanna be
with me?
Speaker 2 (03:00):
Boom boom boom?
Speaker 3 (03:01):
Changes up? Because I want a baby? Baby? What you
want to be with me?
Speaker 2 (03:12):
O operation? I don't even know, Like that's the only
version I know.
Speaker 3 (03:16):
That's the fact.
Speaker 2 (03:16):
What's who sings the original R and B version?
Speaker 3 (03:21):
Who was that? It sounds marriage? I don't even know
who sings that.
Speaker 2 (03:25):
I don't think it's married though, No it doesn't.
Speaker 3 (03:27):
Yeah, I remember who it is.
Speaker 1 (03:28):
We aging ourselves, you know, Anita Baker. I think it's
a Baker, Patty LaBelle and something wonder Mary Ji, it
is my wy.
Speaker 2 (03:39):
You don't have a listen?
Speaker 3 (03:39):
What's the four one one?
Speaker 2 (03:40):
See? She don't listen? I told her married four? The
four one one that was on the four one one.
Speaker 3 (03:45):
I should have known that off the top of my
head because that was my album. That's like my all
time most favorite.
Speaker 2 (03:49):
Mary Elmo Well, now.
Speaker 3 (03:52):
Four that was ninety two, ninety two yeah, I.
Speaker 2 (03:56):
Was, what was you sixteen? We're gonna take a break
right now, are we change?
Speaker 3 (04:03):
His spouse is sucuse that I want to see.
Speaker 1 (04:06):
We're gonna take a quick break and when we come back, yeah,
I'll tell you about the root time.
Speaker 3 (04:09):
But what was going through my mind when I told
he lost his chill?
Speaker 2 (04:13):
Okay, all right, we're.
Speaker 3 (04:19):
Back, all right now?
Speaker 2 (04:20):
You really thought I lost? I was like losing my mind.
Speaker 3 (04:23):
To be honest, I thought you were just in the moment,
defeated by the whole NFL culture the process, not having
real autonomy over like your future. So I'm like, Okay,
maybe this is just not the right team for him,
maybe he needs a new agent. Like I'm just thinking,
because I just saw how hard you worked through college
and then to be a walk on, you know, and
(04:45):
then the Lions, like the pursuit of all of that,
it just felt like your your path was being cut short. Yeah,
And I felt like you had so much more to
give the NFL space. There were records to be broken,
there were there were touchdowns to be made. You know,
you didn't even get a chance to make your splash
(05:06):
in the NFL. And it was almost like for me,
you weren't able to live out your redemption story. And
I say redemption story because there were so many people
counting you out because of your size and because of
who you were stacked against. You know, people who were
being drafted in when you were there busting your ass
every day. So I just felt like I wanted, like
one good season for you to freak killed it and
(05:27):
then you move on to the next thing. I just
feel like your NFL career, you didn't get to really
give it your all, but it was really only because
of other people's decisions, not your lack of hard work.
So as long as you felt content like you had
given it your all and you didn't feel like you
were cheating yourself, then I was okay with you moving
on from that because I was going to support you
whichever which way you went. So when I met you,
(05:49):
the NFL and you playing football was never get an
idea in my mind. So I'm like, all right, well
that was just the added bonus.
Speaker 1 (05:54):
I'll be honest about that. The NFL was never my dream.
Like I was content after college being an All American
and breaking records and being the first receiver to have
seventy five catches two years in a row, two thousand
yards over two years and twenty touchdowns. Like I was
content with football because I always wanted to be in entertainment.
Speaker 3 (06:15):
Yeah, I wanted those stats for you in the NFL.
I wanted you to be like, yo, I did this,
I made that, and spending yards that many.
Speaker 1 (06:20):
But you know, no, I feel you. I feel you
because you see me work so hard to get there.
But I never saw myself at any point saying like
I want to win the Super Bowl, I want to
be an all pro. It was always a means to
an end. My only goal in the NFL was to
make enough money so that I didn't have to be
a starving artist. Once I achieved that, I also feel
like I lost some reason to play.
Speaker 2 (06:42):
So that's why it was easy for me to just
walk away, because I knew.
Speaker 1 (06:45):
It's different when you're getting up and you're a walk
on in college and you got that chip on your shoulder.
You're getting up extra early to beat everybody, the workouts,
to get extra working. You know, when you get to
the NFL and you're a free agent, tryout, you getting
there early to it proved to people that you made
it and all that stuff.
Speaker 2 (07:02):
But then you make it.
Speaker 1 (07:03):
And then I only wanted to make a practice squad
to make one hundred K to buy as a house,
and I ended up making a two hundred and seventy
five K because I made the team. So I made it.
In my second year, I made the team again. You
know what I'm saying. I got hurt, which kind of
like I think in my second year, if I didn't
tear my meniscus and my btell attendon, my career would
have been different because I had the momentum from being
(07:26):
a free agent rookie that that was carrying me through
my second season. But also that work ethic and the
intensity that I put into training is how I got
hurt because I never rested for two and a half
years and I ended up tearing my knee. But once
I did tear my knee, that created the perspective of
what I really wanted to do. Because when you love
(07:46):
football so much and that's all you want to do,
nothing is stopping you from doing that. But when you
can't play football and you don't miss it, and now
you have to go back to that routine and there's
other things you want to do. I wasn't able to
put in a type of work to make those teams
the way those other men were like, that's just the bottom.
Speaker 3 (08:05):
Line, because for them that was the that was their passion. Yeah,
and it wasn't for you. And once I realized that too,
that's why I'm like, you know, for me, it was
never about the NFL or whatever money it would have
provided or stability. It had done what it was it
needed to do for us. It did give a nice
little nest egg for the beginning. You know, of course
that was we were heartbroken when the stock market and
the recession hit and everything crashed. All that money you
(08:26):
invested was lost, But it was just part of your story.
You know, nothing ever came easy to you, so you
changing paths. The one thing I did have was confidence
in you that whatever the next thing was all right.
Speaker 1 (08:41):
Because we hear so many women talk about supporting men
only having potential. To look at, how were you able
to stay so like steadfast and unyielding in your support
when all you really had to go off of was
my potential. It wasn't like I had a bunch of
(09:02):
contacts in TV or starting training businesses that you knew, Like,
how were you able to just be like, you know what,
I'm going to support him no matter what it is,
because so many women talk about the horror stories of
trying to support someone through their own vision that they
claim is their vision and nothing happens.
Speaker 2 (09:18):
Right, How did you do that? Yeah?
Speaker 3 (09:21):
I guess because I was able to watch you through
all of college just having that burning desire. There was
something in your eye. There was the way you spoke
about things. There was the plan and course of actions
that you took. It's always having the plan A and
not really a plan B. But just like yo, in
the event that I needed to pivot, I could, and
watching you make the team in college, well when I
(09:43):
got there, you already made the team, but just really
fighting for your place, working hard them six am runs
that you would get up for, and I'm just like, wow,
he really is relentless in his pursuit of being the
best football player in this moment. And then your path
to the NFL, seeing how you worked through that, I mean,
you had the mental fortitude that I hadn't seen in anybody,
(10:04):
no pair of mine had that. So I was like, man,
anything he says he's gonna do, he's gonna put his
mind too. Because I know I was the same way,
so it was interesting for me to find somebody who
I felt like, wow, really matched my intensity with wanting
to be successful and wanting to say I'm going to
do this and actually doing it. That was enough for
me to say, oh, whatever it is he want to do,
(10:25):
and then of course feeling like we were greater together.
And it could have been part delusion too, because I
was just so in love with you, and I was like, yeah,
it was in part delusion because I'm like, at that age,
you think you're invincible, you think your husband's invincible. Your
boyfriend at the time is invisible. So to me it
was like, all right, well we're all figure it out
either way. But knowing that I can see those little
(10:47):
ten bits of you, like it was easy for you
to be like fuck it, I'm not gonna get up
and go to run this morning. Oh okay, don't worry
about it. I'm just say here, I'm not going to
go to a study hall or whatever. Like you really
were about your business from a young age. So I
think it was part seeing that in part freaking just
being insanely in love with you and being like we
can tackle whatever it is.
Speaker 1 (11:07):
You just gave me my moment of truth, which is
crazy because yeah, because everything you said describing me was
literally how I felt with you, right. And part of
the reason why I was able to to make pivots
or changes comfortably was because I knew I had a
woman that if.
Speaker 2 (11:27):
Shit hit the fan, K can go, Earn, K can go.
Speaker 1 (11:31):
You know what I'm saying, Like k K does this,
Like she's she's a worker, you know, Like I watched
you all of college graduate with honors and be the
best RA then a D, then RD like you want
RA the year, A D of the year, r D
of the year you.
Speaker 2 (11:45):
Got your scholarship.
Speaker 1 (11:46):
So I just knew that whatever it is that you
wanted to do, you were going to achieve it, no
matter how difficult it may seem. So I don't want
to give away my moment of truth, but it was
in part just using discernment to pick the right part
that I just know, whatever changes are going to come,
I can weather right through that change because she's going
(12:07):
to be successful because I've watched her work. It's like
faith without works is dead, right, I watched you work.
You don't just say it, you actually do it right,
you know, So And.
Speaker 3 (12:16):
Call it a level of delusion or a level of
faith that we had in each other. It's like at
that age, I don't know what was. So that's what
a lot of this for me feels like, this was
just like a divine connection that we had, because who
would think that we really were that invested in each
other at that age to just really still be so
dedicated to each other at a young age and just
(12:38):
work together, you know. So that's why I don't shun
couples now who look at us and they come to
our live shows and they're like, oh, we're twenty one
and twenty three or we're done, and we look at
them like, oh, y'all are babies and y'all have time.
But you remember, people told us the same thing. They
told us the same thing. And I think the comfort
as we're talking about change and supporting your spouse through
(13:00):
change today, the comfort that I had is regardless of
the change that we were going through, A, we had
each other. B We had a plan, see, we had
the work ethic that we put into motion to make
it happen, and then ultimately we felt like if it
didn't work out, we had each other and wanting to
change and wanting to grow and having dreams and goals
(13:22):
and like seeing it and then working towards it. That's
the change you want. Like I said in my sound
by earlier, if your spouse is not mean to change,
then what exactly are we doing here?
Speaker 2 (13:34):
This is?
Speaker 1 (13:35):
This is I understand what you're saying, but this I
want to I want to bring out an important point though,
because a lot of times in relationships, the idea that
the part that your partner is changing often projects itself
as if you're not doing something, so your partner has
to change.
Speaker 3 (13:50):
I like like a negative, right, and a negative like.
Speaker 1 (13:52):
I like who you are right now, So if you
choose to do something different, something is wrong with me
because I liked who you were then, and I want
people to understand that that's not always the case.
Speaker 2 (14:02):
Right.
Speaker 1 (14:02):
If we look at these facts and status, it says
some factors that can contribute to changes in behavior and
personality include influence of the partner getting comfortable, and loss
based events. Research shows that relationship changes are associated with
changes in personality and life satisfaction. I want to stop
there at life satisfaction, right. I watched people our age
(14:25):
as we are both now on the fourth floor.
Speaker 3 (14:29):
It's so far.
Speaker 2 (14:32):
It is though, it is hit though.
Speaker 1 (14:34):
You get to a point in your life after I
would say twenty five where everything you thought was important
is not important. As we continue this, I guess that
for me, this whole season is going to be dedicated
to perception versus reality. Right where Force fed so much
(14:54):
information between birth to twenty right because your parents curate
what your life looks like, your friends curated, your educators.
Everyone is giving you their ideas and opinions of what
life is supposed to be. Once you get to about
twenty and you leave the home and now you're in
college or you're working in the workforce, and you're starting
to travel a little bit further than your front porch,
(15:16):
you start to develop your own perspective of the world.
And if you happen to meet someone while you're going
through this perspective change, that person is going to meet
you in that moment, not realizing that you're ever so evolving,
because as you live life.
Speaker 2 (15:32):
Your perspective changes.
Speaker 1 (15:34):
But that person often says, man, I met this person
right here, and I love that person that right here.
So as that person changes, and then you're just like, well,
I don't like to do this no more. And it's
just like, what you mean, you're changing? It's something wrong
with me? Is it's something I didn't do. It has
nothing to do with you at all. That person is evolving.
(15:54):
And now we're at forty. I see the world so
differently than I did at thirty eight. I see it
differently than I did it thirty five. I see it
differently than I did it twenty five. And I'm thinking
to myself now, like, man, imagine if I had the
type of wife who was just like nope, and I
used fictional characters because it's easy because you don't have
(16:15):
to blow anybody spot up.
Speaker 2 (16:16):
But think about Tasha and Ghost in Power, Okay, all right?
Speaker 3 (16:20):
And he.
Speaker 1 (16:22):
Wanted to evolve. He's like, I don't want to be
in this game no more. I want to be able
to and she was like, no, I want you to
be the biggest drug.
Speaker 2 (16:28):
They that's the man who I love, right, And it's
like wow or nothing.
Speaker 1 (16:33):
They kid they can, which is a tragedy in itself crazy.
It actually is a perfect example of someone being satisfied
with their life so they don't want anything to change
around them, but the spouse is like, I'm not satisfied.
Speaker 3 (16:50):
I know another couple who's the same exact situation, and
it's funny because it's not even that so the husband,
So I'm gonna say husband and wife. So the wife
met the husband when she was young. She didn't have much,
a very very sheltered view of the world, and he,
being a little older than her, was able to expose
(17:11):
her to a couple of different things and opportunities and
she's like, oh wow, there's life out here, right, So
then she got a taste of what life could be
like if I do a little more. So she started
doing a little more. And then she started doing a
little more, and then to the point where she's doing
now to him the most, and he now regrets that
I've introduced you to more because now you're doing the
most when I was just satisfied with the least that
(17:34):
I exposed you to. So it's not even now that
he's looking at her like me. She's just outgrown him,
And that's where some of the resentment lies, because she's like,
I want more. We're doing, like why can't we do more?
And he's like, you're a completely different person that I met.
You met a sheltered, more reserved, more meek young lady
(17:55):
who that's why you liked her. But now she's more
outspoken and she a chief things. She's like, I've seen
more life, There's more out there. Why don't you want more?
You know? And it's like, no one's wrong necessarily in
that dynamic. But it's sometimes hard for people to support
a spouse through change because the change, like you said,
alters their reality.
Speaker 1 (18:16):
You just you know, it's funny whomen we talk about
this being therapy for us. I've seen how we've both
done that for each other.
Speaker 2 (18:26):
Right.
Speaker 1 (18:27):
I gave an analogy to one of my homies, Robed Davon.
Shout out to my boy.
Speaker 3 (18:30):
Rob Robert, Robert meerkats cats inside joke, but we were
talking about people having windows in their room.
Speaker 2 (18:41):
Right, So I made up this whole analogy. Just stick
with me. But two kids are born in prison, right,
Two kids are born.
Speaker 3 (18:49):
In prison, born within the prison, born with.
Speaker 2 (18:51):
In the prison in an actual prison.
Speaker 1 (18:53):
Right. Okay, So they grew up in life, they each
had their own self, right, and in those selves, the
only time they could either see each other was when
they went out into the prison in the common areas
and they started talking, right, so they started talking and
you know, they say, hey, you in the prison, what
do you want to do when you grow up? And
the one guy was just like, I don't know. At
some point I guess I'd be a prison guard because
(19:15):
they're the ones who have controlling here. And another one
was just like, prison prison guard, I'm getting the fuck
up out of here. And then the one kid was like,
what you mean you getting about of here? Like you
sound crazy? Like this is what life is. They had
an argument. They go back into their rooms. The one
kid who said he wanted to be a prison guard
he had just to sell, right, just to sell nothing.
(19:39):
The other guy had a window in his room.
Speaker 2 (19:43):
So even though.
Speaker 1 (19:44):
Their life every day was exactly the same, same regiment,
they saw the same people. His perspective was different because
he had a window. So since he could see that
there was outside, he knew there was more more. What
happens when you have a window in your room and
you're able to share with someone who doesn't have a window,
you change their perspective. And sometimes if you can change
(20:05):
someone's perspective and they go when they travel, they can
bring you up and now change your perspective and a
lot of ways you and I have done that for
each other because we were both both very sheltered.
Speaker 3 (20:14):
Yes, growing up definitely, And.
Speaker 1 (20:16):
It was like there were ways that you showed me
different things, like I didn't travel that much out of
the country, and now you can't stop me from wanting
to go someplace.
Speaker 2 (20:26):
You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1 (20:27):
There are different lifestyles. I, since I was able to
make money at a younger age, was able to show
you how to travel differently. And now you like, oh
we can go first class, were going to private jet,
we can get a yacht, you.
Speaker 2 (20:39):
Know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1 (20:40):
And now it's like you exposed me to travel in
and now I exposed you how I like to travel,
and now you want to travel like that.
Speaker 2 (20:46):
And it's like we keep showing each other windows.
Speaker 3 (20:49):
Windows, and we keep changing.
Speaker 1 (20:51):
And I want to implore couples to not look at
change in your spouse as a reflection of you not
being enough, but just look at it as man I
opened up a window, the window to my spouse so
that that person can see more, and just be like, yo,
take me with.
Speaker 3 (21:10):
You, and you can blow that joint together and run
off into the subset. But you see what I'm saying
this is a really good analogy. Listening to you talk
really made me take enogy. But look at us opening
windows here during this conversation.
Speaker 2 (21:20):
No, seriously, Like.
Speaker 1 (21:22):
Having a conversation really made me think about it, Like
when you have changed, when your spouse is beginning to change,
that should be a positive sign that evolution is happening.
And start asking questions. Well rather than being like why
are you changing? Why don't you do this? Be like
whoa what? What sparked this change?
Speaker 3 (21:36):
Right?
Speaker 2 (21:37):
Try to get an understanding of what that change is
and see if you can be involved in that change
because you don't know how that's going to open up
a window when you're mad.
Speaker 3 (21:44):
That's true because it could be exciting, Like it doesn't
have to like complacency for a lot of people is comfortable, yes, right,
but for others it's not. Complacency is like what's next?
I need to keep moving, So keep opening each other's
windows up, y'all. That's such a great analogy. And this
is literally how to valoce and be talking to like
without Mike's, without cameras, without her crew, Like this is
(22:04):
like a random conversation over dinner. Whatno, no, It.
Speaker 2 (22:06):
Really gave me an epiphany.
Speaker 1 (22:08):
Like I went to look at some of these tips,
but like even some of these tips, it says, communicate,
ask your partner for their views on things, and communicate
about changes. Right, I haven't read these, but that's what
we just talked about. Be empathetic. Try to understand your
partner's perspective. We talked about that show support. Let your
partner know you care about them and that you support
them when they are down.
Speaker 3 (22:27):
That's something devas that you want to retire. I'm all right,
So literally, what we gotta do? What we're doing.
Speaker 1 (22:32):
It says create shared experiences, go for a walk, cook together,
or try to share something they like.
Speaker 2 (22:39):
Yep.
Speaker 3 (22:40):
Travel you've been trying to get me downstairs to play
pool some days. You know, I'm watching movies together. I
was never a big movie buff. Now you can't get
me out and not watch the movie.
Speaker 1 (22:50):
You know what's funny? Yep, I just can't. I have
a whole like the windows opening right now. Okay, but
even on my moment of truth, why do people say
marriage is important in general because.
Speaker 3 (23:07):
You have a companions.
Speaker 1 (23:10):
There's this whole thing about marriage. If a man doesn't
bring this to the table, he's worthless. If a woman
doesn't bring this to the table, she's worthless. I'm gonna
tell you how full of shit all of that is. Right,
As from a man's perspective, if women are chasing.
Speaker 2 (23:25):
High value men, high value men are.
Speaker 1 (23:27):
Just men who make a certain amount of money, believe
in God, take care of themselves, blah blah blah. There
is nothing a woman can do for that man that
he can't pay someone to do, which means whatever she's
bringing to him has to be deep more than that.
And just she can cook, she can clean, she fucks,
she's pretty. Because he can get all of that, he's
a high he can get all of that free. Do
(23:48):
you know what it is a woman can bring to
a man other than just nurture and like nursing him
opening his mind to evolution? Seriously, because if you, as
a woman, can make this man something further and create
more and do more, all he's going to do is
grow and to be a better version of the man
he already is.
Speaker 2 (24:06):
Now.
Speaker 3 (24:07):
Yeah, that's true. That's that's literally us like and.
Speaker 2 (24:09):
That's right same you want to high value woman.
Speaker 1 (24:13):
Right, If a high value woman says I got degrees,
I earn my own money.
Speaker 2 (24:17):
I stay in shape. I do.
Speaker 1 (24:19):
There's nothing that a man can do for that woman
that she can't pay for herself. Right, she's if she
got five degrees, she is a high earner and she
don't property, so then she don't need a man for protection.
She can hire a security service. She don't got to
cook and clean. She already stays in shape. If she
want to fuck, she can find a young boy that
she can just be like, Yo, I'll take you to
(24:41):
buy some ps fives and you can come by the house.
Speaker 2 (24:44):
When you come by the house, we can fuck. Like
I'm just being honest.
Speaker 1 (24:49):
A high value woman does not need anything but her
mind expanded. And that's why marriage is so important. You
have two different perspectives, and the further apart the perspectives,
if these two people are working in synergies to be together,
the greater the windows because now her perspective is so
different from his perspective.
Speaker 3 (25:09):
The rules that can be so much kitty and the
uniqueness and them, you know, really, just oh, that's that's
a good one.
Speaker 1 (25:15):
It just it just hit me why change is so
important in marriage and how it broadens the horizons and
opens up the windows and changes the perspective in talking.
This is why talking to someone who has a different
perspective is important because when you started talking, it hit me, right, Oh,
I ain't think about that.
Speaker 3 (25:30):
That's just like a human thing in general, because it's like, okay,
one human being. Because this is like thinking about same
sex couples, for example, one just may have a completely
different perspective than the other. Yes, So it's like if
you're bringing something that things that are so different, but
you guys united in similarities. That's really just another way
to further expand on how the relationship can grow deeper.
(25:54):
You're then empowered to go out into the world and
conquer and achieve and do all the things that you
want to do. Like that's literally you're right, that's what
we do.
Speaker 1 (26:02):
That's what we do, is you know we do, And
that's why marriage is so important. That's why friendships and relationships.
Speaker 3 (26:07):
Are so Friendships are the same thing, right.
Speaker 1 (26:09):
Stop Stop looking for friends that all just believe the
same things you believe. Stop looking for friends who live
the same exact lifestyle you live, because then if everybody
has the same amount of windows in their room, no
one can teach anybody anything that's true, and that's why
it's important to look for changing your spouse because if
(26:29):
your spouse has changed stayed the same ten, fifteen, twenty years,
if they haven't grown, that means that they haven't even
pushed you to grow. And you have to start looking
at yourself like, damn, am I in the same spot
for fifteen years doing it? Because and it does matter
how much money you have. Growth it doesn't only.
Speaker 2 (26:47):
Mean economics, No, sure doesn't mean economics. It's like you
could be a billionaire.
Speaker 1 (26:52):
Say you was born into money, he's born into money,
and you marry a woman who was born into money.
Y'all got all the money in the world. Ll y'all
do a city of your house and yaya and do
the same things.
Speaker 2 (27:02):
It was growth there.
Speaker 1 (27:03):
Yeah, you've died accomplishing nothing and bringing nothing to humanity
or bringing anything to each other.
Speaker 3 (27:09):
Yeah. I'm still on the friendship portion of it too,
because I think about how important this is when we
talk about the friendships that we choose to engage in
and then sometimes letting those friendships grow a go sorry
because A it's not sharing the similar similarities also too,
as hard as friends when you grow past your friends
and you change, then you it kind of catapults you
(27:31):
into a different realment like that, Yeah, you're in a
different friend group, and it's just like, damn, like the
people who I used to be friends with, the people
who I used to you know, be in the group
chat with, chopping it up about random things like we
don't even have things in common anymore because their windows
are not open, right, that is the truth they have
any And even if I do say, hey, come in
my room and look through my window, there has to
(27:54):
be something innate to make them want to make that move,
you know, particular with friendship.
Speaker 1 (28:00):
No, You're absolutely right, because some people can't see a
window and then just be like, I'm not interested. I'm
happy where I am, and understanding that that's okay too, right, right, right,
even if you do have a spouse who was just
like my spouse is not interested in changing at all,
finding empathy and being okay with the fact that cool
you can do that. I want to change, you know
(28:22):
what I'm saying, Also understanding that change scares people. You
show somebody a window, I think it was, was it
Sojourner truth or Harriet Tubman truth?
Speaker 3 (28:33):
Came up the other day too with us, and he
was like.
Speaker 1 (28:35):
You said something wild about Sojournal Truth, and yo, I
don't think it.
Speaker 3 (28:40):
Was the Journal Truth. I was trying to say. I
was trying to say somebody else that says the Journal
Truth by accident.
Speaker 2 (28:43):
Yeah you did.
Speaker 1 (28:44):
But it was something crazy though, Like it was something
It was something with pop culture.
Speaker 2 (28:47):
And he was like who said that? He was like,
what was it? The Journal Truth?
Speaker 1 (28:49):
And I was like, yeah, in the fourteen hundreds, Like
the fuck is you're talking about?
Speaker 3 (28:54):
You about something that I can't remember that right now?
Speaker 1 (28:57):
Butt ahead, I think it was Harriet Tubman said I
freed thousands of slaves, and I would have freed thousands
more if they knew they were slaves. Yes, the truth
of the matter is a lot of us are enslaved mentally,
and the idea of change scares us. So we'd rather
stay in whatever circumstance we are in. Because they'll also
(29:21):
say this, the devil I know is better than the
devil I don't.
Speaker 3 (29:25):
That's a fact. You know what I'm saying, to pay
yourselves for mental slavery, men, but ourselves can free our minds.
Speaker 2 (29:31):
You know this.
Speaker 1 (29:32):
This round of podcasts all have the similar message.
Speaker 2 (29:39):
Perspective versus reality.
Speaker 3 (29:41):
Challenging thing that's been happening for us.
Speaker 2 (29:44):
I think it's because that's what it is.
Speaker 3 (29:47):
Because so we give y'all the cheat code. So all
of my people listening who are in there, like late teens,
early twenties, thirties, like we're trying to get y'all to
be trying to put you onto game from early from
now to be like, guys, this is what you look
forward to, because think about it. We had recently said,
you said, I can see why my godfather, for example,
(30:07):
Uncle Frank moves the way he moves because he's in
his sixties and he doesn't see all of this already.
So when you see older men and women who are
they're unbothered. They're not worried about the riff raff. Who
do we say more recently, oh, Denzel, was it that
he just be chiling? He mind his business? States is
because he's seen all of this already. He's not getting
(30:28):
were like at this age in life, they're not getting
involved in all of the heat shady. They're gonna sit
by their window, look out their window and like the
view from where they're at, y'all can stay over here
in prison.
Speaker 2 (30:42):
Let's take a break.
Speaker 3 (30:43):
Let's take a break.
Speaker 2 (30:44):
That's some windows we can look out of in the bedroom.
Speaker 3 (30:51):
How did we get here?
Speaker 2 (31:03):
And we're back?
Speaker 3 (31:04):
All right.
Speaker 1 (31:05):
There's a lot of times that podcast went in a
completely different because of the epiphany.
Speaker 2 (31:10):
But that's also God working because we're talking.
Speaker 1 (31:13):
About trying to curate ways to talk to people, and
then God gives you a message and say to talk
about this, talk about this right now, just to this
whatever you was talking about, don't fuck that. God said
that to God was like, fuck that.
Speaker 3 (31:24):
And that's the beauty of like the podcast that we've
been doing with you guys more lately, Like it's not
just like finding these really structured topics to talk about.
It's kind of like whatever is in our heart in
this moment, and we just asked God to be a
vessel to deliver whatever it is that he wants us
to deliver to y'all in that moment because it's going
to help somebody, it helps us along the way, and
we love it here.
Speaker 1 (31:45):
Absolutely because God be looking down at us sometimes like
look at this, Nick, the fuck is you?
Speaker 2 (31:51):
That is not what I told you to do, That.
Speaker 3 (31:53):
Is not what I said, what I told you how
I intended for it to be.
Speaker 2 (31:56):
You know what, mute?
Speaker 1 (31:59):
Now you can't talk no more. Now you had a stroke?
Why because you ain't do what God told you to do?
Now look now, look value, you are a mess. How
did we get here? I told me to tell you
all that too, mass start playing with God, bro, I'm
telling them period, telling them.
Speaker 2 (32:15):
Let me go first.
Speaker 1 (32:17):
All right, hey, Kadeen and the vow sup. First, I
want to thank you for doing what you're doing. You
are so relatable, You're still young on the fourth floor.
That's the fact you offer wonderful advice content. Thank you
so much, which is why I'm reaching out. I've been
with my boyfriend for close to two years. We live together,
and overall he is a wonderful boyfriend. He makes me laugh.
He's very caring, kind and compassionate. But that's all that
(32:40):
he is similar to you both. My father is from
Brooklyn Crown Heights and he is also Caribbean big up beliefs. Yes,
like a lot of Caribbean families, they raised their daughters
especially to be a value, to take your education seriously
and to be self sustaining. I have honed in on
that advice and I'm blessed to have my master's in education.
(33:00):
I am a teacher with a good salary. I can
take care of myself financially. I'm also a deep thinker,
a knowledge seeker, and I crave stimulating conversations. Okay, a
boyfriend is not he barely graduated high school with an
acceptable GPA.
Speaker 3 (33:14):
How do he become your boyfriend?
Speaker 1 (33:15):
Yes, that's a good question. And his only higher education
is a culinary certificate. We know how he probably slang
in that thing.
Speaker 3 (33:23):
Women can't get away from that man all right now.
Speaker 1 (33:27):
And his only higher education is a culinary certificate, no
degree to his name, no real college experience. His family
didn't even stress the importance of education to him growing
up like my dad did to me. So in our relationship,
I'm realizing it lacks depth. I come with a lot
of sight and comes with a lot of insight, perspective,
and knowledge, while he just merely exists. He doesn't seem
to know the importance of knowing how to have an
(33:48):
in depth conversation or to understand why seeking knowledge is
so important. It's one of the reasons I feel we
can't make true progress because I can't have a life
partner if I can't have deep conversations. Also, I'm the
bread winner and I pay more bills in him, so
I don't even feel like he's truly an equal partner.
Money is not the issue. Yes it is, but close
to two years and he's still in the same predicament
(34:09):
while I'm trying to further my career, my bank account
and my knowledge. I've tried talking to him, but he
doesn't understand. You don't know what you don't know, and
with a childhood like mine, I will never get it.
I try to explain to him, but I feel like
his mother. I feel like I'm with you, Cay, I
know what you're gonna say. Why are you still in
a relationship? I know.
Speaker 3 (34:29):
I feel like I'm telling me everything that's wrong. It's
like when you write the pro and con list and
it's just contons everywhere. What's the pro? Go ahead?
Speaker 1 (34:38):
I break so birth to the table and I'm constantly
filling his cup. But who's going to fill mine? Nobody
in that relationship salvageable or should I just cut my lasses?
Speaker 3 (34:47):
It's giving lost cutting for me. You just explain, you
literally just explain and walk through why he is not
the right match for you, he's not the right match.
I wish I knew how old she was, just how
old she was here. No, overall, he's a wonderful boyfriend,
makes me laugh, very caring, kind and compassionate. So those
are the pros. But that's all he is. That's not
going to be enough to sustain a relationship. Potentially caring,
(35:11):
kind of compassionate. Now, that's not going to be enough
to sustain it. Sis like you are.
Speaker 1 (35:18):
I will say this though, I will say this, it
sounds like he's a nice guy, right, But when you're
looking for a life partner, you're not looking for a
nice guy to be a life partner.
Speaker 2 (35:29):
And I'll tell you why.
Speaker 1 (35:30):
Right, if you're going into the wilderness, right and you
have to fight off bears and you need someone to
help you hunt and do all this, are you going
to grab the guy who's the nice guy who can
make you laugh.
Speaker 2 (35:39):
No, you're going to grab the guy who's resourceful.
Speaker 3 (35:41):
Yes, and enuity you can figure it out and that and.
Speaker 2 (35:44):
That goes both ways.
Speaker 1 (35:46):
I'm going if I'm going into the wilderness, right, I'm
not going to just grab the prettiest girl to survive
in the wilderness.
Speaker 2 (35:52):
Because life is the wilderness. We're all working.
Speaker 1 (35:54):
I'm going to grab the most resourceful person who if
I don't know what's going on here, I can look
at her and be like, can you figure this out?
Speaker 2 (36:01):
Facts A Mica is gonna look to her and be like, oh,
she looks great, and are we going to go into
the wilderness and then get killed by bear and die?
Speaker 3 (36:09):
And right now says you're on the road to being
killed and mauled by a bear. Facts in the wilderness
with homeboy facts, I don't got much more to say
about this.
Speaker 2 (36:17):
And we love that you love love, but you just
told us why it's not going to work.
Speaker 3 (36:21):
And it's one of those things too where I had
a conversation recently with someone and she she was asking
me like, how do I motivate, you know, my guy
to want more and to be ambitious, Like what can
I do to be able to like spark that in him?
And my advice was more like, Okay, some people have ruts.
(36:41):
Some people have moments where it's like dam you know,
you have your downtime, especially if you're a creative, you
know you may not be in a creative mood in
the moment you need something to kind of spark that.
But there's certain things you can't teach someone. You can't
teach someone how to be ambitious, you can't teach someone
how to be self motivated, you can't teach someone to
want more. You can show them, you can expose them
(37:01):
to it, but ultimately it has to be something innate,
and it doesn't seem like he right now innately has that. Now.
I don't know how old this couple is. They could
be nineteen and twenty one and he's just still trying
to figure things out.
Speaker 2 (37:14):
So says, you got a master's degree though, so she does, Okay.
Speaker 3 (37:17):
So then yeah, ok yeah, yeah, okay, so you're definitely
a little bit older than that, I say twenty five, yes,
maybe roughly around there. But that there's certain things that
you just can't teach, and you can't will someone to have.
They either have it or they don't. And I think
this is a circumstance where he may just not have
been exposed to that kind of life. And though being
with you, you would think, Okay, he sees how I'm ambitious,
(37:39):
I'm driven, I'm doing all these things. These are the
things I want out of life. It may not be
something he wants.
Speaker 1 (37:44):
But this goes back to what we talk about a
lot on this podcast is using discernment and not being
afraid to say, hey, this relationship was what it was.
I learned a lot about myself. I learned a lot
about the type of person I want to date, and
you're just not that. That don't mean that you're a
bad person. You're just not the person for me, and
(38:04):
being okay, saying that's cool because I'm not going to
settle in my life to make you and everybody else
feel happy about how I should live my life, because I'm.
Speaker 2 (38:12):
The only person responsible for that.
Speaker 1 (38:14):
Using discernment means I can tell after dating and dating
takes time.
Speaker 2 (38:18):
Dating is not two dates.
Speaker 1 (38:19):
You might date someone for a year of two years
and saying, you know what, el this two year span,
I realize that this is not what I want for
the rest of my life.
Speaker 2 (38:26):
So we can go out separate ways. You know, that's
what I agree.
Speaker 1 (38:29):
I just think, you know, based on what she said,
I would say, hey, mama, go and find someone else
that has the same type of work ethic and will
and drive that you have and don't feel based on
listening to the internet, what everyone telling you your standards
are too high, and you're going to be by yourself
because when you're gonna do lower your standards and end
up being miserable with someone, I'd rather be by myself
(38:50):
with high standards.
Speaker 2 (38:51):
Than be with someone that I got to carry for
the rest of my life.
Speaker 3 (38:56):
So all right, now, good luck to you, says Number two.
Hey to Valancadin, I love listening to y'all. I can
truly take something positive from each episode, whether it's related
to my marriage, family, personal or just parenting in general.
Speaker 2 (39:09):
That is the hope.
Speaker 3 (39:11):
I love it. When I was listening to the Practice
Kid episode, it really put parenting into a better perspective
for me. For contact, I'm twenty eight with two kids.
My son is nine, my daughter is two and a half. Currently,
I'm struggling with my nine year old son constantly lying,
even about the little things. We have had constant conversations
on the importance of being truthful. We have tried many
different discipline mechanisms, such as taking away electronics, writing the
(39:34):
same sentences many times. You must be Withindian hardcore workout, spanking, etc.
Have you dealt with this and how do you navigate
this with your practice child? Thank y'all much love.
Speaker 2 (39:46):
I've dealt with this in my mentorship program. Yeah, there's
only one way. We haven't dealt with lying with our kids.
But do you know why lying?
Speaker 1 (39:54):
Lying doesn't come from lack of discipline. Lying comes from
a child not feeling safe to tell the truth. So
when you create an environment like what she said, hardcore workout, spankings,
writing sentences, this child probably doesn't feel comfortable because if
I tell you the truth, I'm going to get in trouble.
So you have to create like, stopping children from lying
(40:16):
comes from them feeling safe. If a child doesn't feel safe.
Speaker 3 (40:19):
Or comfortable communicating with you, they're gonna lie.
Speaker 1 (40:22):
Yeah, And if you really want him to stop lying,
make it okay for him to tell the truth and
he doesn't get in trouble. That doesn't mean you take
away consequences. It just means that they don't get in trouble.
Trouble means like a disciplinary action. So it's like, yo,
what did you do? Let's discuss how to do this again,
and let's try not to make the same choice over
(40:43):
and over again. After a while of doing that and
it takes patience, they call it gentle parenting and I
know a lot of Black and West Indian parents don't
like doing the gentle parenting thing, but we.
Speaker 2 (40:54):
Do like a hybrid. Right.
Speaker 1 (40:56):
My kids are allowed to make poor decisions and do
things in real time because I want them to learn
to pick themselves up off the ground. So my biggest
thing is I let them make a poor decision. We
talk about what's what happened?
Speaker 2 (41:06):
Why'd you do that?
Speaker 1 (41:07):
Like, for example, Jackson, you know, skipping out of his
reading and then his grades dropped, Right, what happened?
Speaker 2 (41:13):
Why'd your grades drop?
Speaker 3 (41:14):
Oh?
Speaker 1 (41:14):
Well, because you know I thought that this and this
and that and making it hues. I didn't have time, Jackson.
You had time. You chose to use your time for
other things. I'm not mad, but this is what happens.
So you do that, and are you happy with getting
a seventy on it on the test? No?
Speaker 2 (41:31):
All right, so then you got to fix it, brom.
Speaker 1 (41:33):
But what I didn't do was be like you got
a seventy, No more video games, no more this, because
now the next time it's like, I'm not even telling
them my pothect exactly.
Speaker 3 (41:43):
It's fair. Now at this post it's fair. It becomes hiding.
Those are all the things that you start to kind
of manifest in them. Like I love that with our boys,
We've given them, like you said, a safe space to
be able to say how they feel. So even if
it was something that and I had to curb my
own reaction, you did. I to curb my own reaction
because coming from my environment where like my mother also
too stressed the importance of not lying and cheating, and
(42:04):
you cheat, you go to jail, and you go to jail,
you do this. There was like this like subsequent chain
of events that happens. If you told one lie, you
end up in jail, cheat, then you still still you
go to jail, don't call me? And I was like,
how did we get here? You know what I'm saying,
like how did we get here? So I had to
curb the way I reacted to things when the kids
(42:25):
did something that was not to my liking. So it
doesn't even have to be a lie. It could just
be something that they do and I'm just like they're like,
oh god, Mom is going to be upset. So it's
changed so much now that where I don't react in
a way that they feel threatened or they feel like,
oh my god, Mom, is so upset. It's more of
a like, all right, buddy, is that right? It's okay,
what happened, Hey, mistakes happen, right, No big deal, Mommy,
(42:46):
Mammy used to spill things. Mommy used to do this too, right,
it's okay, you tell mommy, I help you, rather than
them trying to sneak and clean up and then do
it poorly, and then they're scared to tell me, And
then you're trying to figure out who told a lie,
and all of them are thickest thieves and they're never
gonna tell in each other. So you really don't know,
get it?
Speaker 1 (43:01):
You know?
Speaker 3 (43:01):
So do you always want to have that? And I
love that we have that with our boys. So that
your son is nine, there's still time to be able
to penetrate that, but not really because.
Speaker 1 (43:11):
To middle school that's when they start to become who
they are going to become. But ultimately it all becomes
about feeling safe. Kids only lie when they don't feel.
Speaker 3 (43:21):
Safe, right, feel or they feel like they're going to
be in trouble.
Speaker 1 (43:23):
They tell the truth when they're comfortable with someone who
they just like, okay, this but and what you said
is perfect. Sometimes the discipline can even be a lot
as long as they still feel safe. For example, Jackson
don't do something. He knows he got to get on
the treadmill and he got to get it done. But
what affects him is how I respond. What I'm saying
that I didn't do so and so and so. All right, bro,
(43:45):
well you made that choice, so remember what we discussed.
You only thirty sprints on a treadmill. He's like, all right,
as opposed to Dad, I didn't do so and so,
why the fuck wouldn't you? And now he feels unsafe,
he's still going to have to do the same sprints.
But my respeton, which is the perfect point, how you
respond to your kids as a parent shows them what
(44:06):
they should be afraid of. So, no matter how bad
it is, if you learn how to keep your cool
and stay even and you still discipline them, well hey, yo,
you stole so and so. You know what the consequences
are for that.
Speaker 3 (44:18):
Listen, And once you have a relationship with them where
they feel comfortable and they feel safe, they also don't
want to disappoint you. Yes, so if they know the
consequence or they see the hurt and the disappointment in you.
When the liah is told, you sit him down and
you say, babe, do you don't understand that that really
hurt mommy's feelings that you lied and you felt like
you couldn't tell me the truth in that moment. I
really really want for you to be able to feel
(44:40):
safe to tell me how you really feel, because it'll
give them then the space to feel like, Okay, yeah,
I can tell mom regardless of what it is. She's
not going to react, she's not gonna fly off the handle. Yep,
We're going to just figure it out. That's always my thing.
Don't worrybody, We'll figured out, buddy. We'll figure it out.
We figure it out, We'll figure it right. If only
(45:00):
was the same way with me and you.
Speaker 2 (45:02):
No, I got hit, I got punched in the chest,
I got smacked, I got beat with a belt. It
took my car away, took the video games away.
Speaker 1 (45:13):
No, not no, not for lying, but I did lie
because of stuff like that, Like remember I signed my
form one. Anybody who went to Andrews Hurdy Junior High
School shot out Flatbush know that if you get in
trouble or you you missing an assignment, you gotta get
your parents to sign a form one.
Speaker 2 (45:27):
A form one shows that you did something and your
parents to sign them.
Speaker 1 (45:30):
And I signed them ships and gave it to my
teacher because I wasn't even trying to hear my mother's mouth.
And it really had nothing to do with I didn't
want to get hit. It was it was just like
it was like, I figured I can't be bothering bothered.
I wasn't a liar, but you lied by omission. Yeah,
until parent teaching night comes and and they're like, well,
miss Ellis, we have these form ones that you signed.
And then my mother goes, oh really, and this is
(45:54):
me no eye contact. I'm just looking straight. I'm just
straight ahead, like and I if looks could kill. She
was burning a hole through my temple and the lady
is coming out the other side.
Speaker 2 (46:07):
And this was just me the whole time, like I'm
not hearing none of this.
Speaker 3 (46:14):
Oh my god, I'd like to see you and your boy.
I know, I know it gets better. It definitely gets better.
All right, y'all, listen the letters keep writing in. We
love to hear from y'all. Email us at dead Ass
Advice at gmail dot com if you want to be
featured on the show.
Speaker 2 (46:29):
Yes, that's d E A D A S S A
D V I C E at gmail dot com.
Speaker 3 (46:34):
Alrighty, moment of truth time. Well, you should go first
because you feel like you had it at the tip
of your tongue when the show first started, anxious to
hear what it is. Do you remember what your moment
of truth is?
Speaker 1 (46:43):
Yes, my moment of truth actually goes back to before
your partner has changes. Okay, it's please use discernment with
the people that you give your time to, because if
you choose the right people to give your time, as
they change and evolve, they will carry you with them
through that evolution and you will evolve as well, and
y'all can grow together.
Speaker 3 (47:04):
That's dope, super dope. I think mine is about change
in general, because we've had a lot of changes just
in general in our lives since the year started. I
want to say towards the end of last year, change
is good. In most circumstances. Change is inevitable. Fighting the
change sometimes can be to your detriment because you never
(47:27):
know once you push past that level of uncomfortability, what
more is on the other side. So embrace change when
it comes your way. When you have an opportunity, whether
that's with a job or a relationship or something really personal,
because just a peek through the window of what could
be different on the other side is sometimes enough motivation
(47:48):
to make you lock in and really lean into that change.
So I encourage you all when that change comes along
and it's looking good, Ride the wave, yeah, ride the
wave all right, y'all. Be sure to find us on
Patreon if you haven't subscribed yet. We got all exclusive
dead Ass podcast content over there, more ellis, family content
(48:09):
and all day case stuff as well, and you can
find us on social media at dead Ass the Podcast
and Cadeen I Am and.
Speaker 1 (48:17):
I Am Deval And if you're listening on Apple podcasts,
be sure to rate, review, and subscribe dead Ass, y'all.
Cut dead Ass is a production of iHeartMedia podcast Network,
and it's produced by Donorpinya and Triple Follow the podcast
on social media at dead Ass the Podcast and Never
Miss a Thing.
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