Are You Coachable? with Kristen Bell

Chelsea is joined by Kristen Bell to talk about shifting family dynamics, her partnership with Dax Shepard, and being allergic to inefficiency. Then: An actor struggles with self-promotion as she builds her career. A wife wrestles with the best way to tell her husband he has terrible breath. And a mom wants to know how to end her headstrong 7-year-old’s reign of terror.

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Executive Producer Nick Stumpf

Produced by Catherine Law

Edited & Engineered by Brandon Dickert

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hi everybody. Oh my god, it's it's me Chelsea and Catherine. Hello, Hi,
how are you? I'm really great, but not as good
as you. I can see a beautiful snowfall behind you.
It's lovely there, I know it is pretty lovely. I'm coming.
I'm coming to my audience from I would like to
say live, but that doesn't really make any sense. Live

(00:23):
to tape from Whistler, which is where I've hunkered down
for the winter. And yes, I'm so oh god, it
is just heaven and I'm not going to pretend it's not.
I am skiing every single day, well not every single
day because Joe Quois with me, so we have to
take a couple of days off here and there for
his learning curve, you know what I mean. He had

(00:44):
an injury, a slight. He had a big wipe out
on one of the first couple of days, and I
was like, and he started filming it. I was like,
put your camera away. The last thing I need is
for people to think that I dragged you up to
Whistler and broke something on you. So just shut it down.
You're gonna be fine in about twenty four hours, And
sure enough, he was, oh, my gosh, and he just

(01:04):
took a tumble. Is he okay? I mean it seems
like it's okay. Well, he does wipe out a lot
because he's learning. And he thought that he had been
skiing before, because he skied in I don't know, Vegas,
Mount Charleston or something. I told him that was probably
an indoor ski rank at the Circus Circus because no
one's ever heard of that. But he thought he could hang.
And I guess he didn't really understand the extreme scare

(01:28):
that I am. Yeah. I mean looking at your socials,
it's like it's very rocky. These are not bunny hills
like this. It's pretty intense. Yeah, it's pretty fun though.
I mean it's just so beautiful here, like it is
the views and the mountain is so big. It's just
my family was here for a week and then they left,

(01:48):
and then so I and then my sister was here
lingering for a little bit, and then she left. And
now Joe and I are just like in domesticated bliss
in my little ski shelling. It's just heaven. And I
mean have some that I put in the time and
effort to become a really good skier that I had
the luxury to do that because it's so nice to
get out there and be able to like to be

(02:09):
capable at something. You know, I don't have a lot
of hobbies. Yeah, have you skied all your life? Or
is it sort of a newer thing for you. I've
skied since I was a little girl, but not seriously
like you know, the last seven eight years. I think
since I've been coming to Whistler, I've been pretty serious
about it. But I talked about this in my stand
up a lot, like I don't have a ton of bobbies.

(02:29):
I don't like to cook or clean or you know,
I like to read, I like to smoke weed, and
I like to ski, So I have to do all
three of those things. Really well, yeah, okay, really this?
Are you like a speed reader or do you just
happen to read quickly because you would like tear through books? Well,
if I have an assignment, I take it seriously. You

(02:51):
know how professional I am? Coft? Yes, I do, actually, yes,
I do so if I haven't reading assignment, if we
have a guest coming on the show, I mean, there's
nothing more annoying than being interviewed by someone who has
not been familiarized with your work. Yes, well, luckily today
our guest does not have a book out, so you

(03:12):
know we'll be all right. But I'm excited about our
guests today. I love us. So, speaking of skiing, one
of our listeners had a ski Well, a lot of
listeners have ski questions for you, but this is one
that I thought would be really fun to answer on
the air, She says. Dear Chelsea, I'm a twenty eight
year old teacher living in Vermont and I learned to
ski two years ago. I took ski lessons with eight friends,

(03:35):
four couples that are fellow New England transplants, and the
only single skier of the crew, which has never been
a problem until now, as life changes have caused some
to back out of season passes or opting out many weekends.
I love skiing, but I'm still learning, so I don't
love the idea of skiing alone. When I want to
challenge myself. When I want to ski, I definitely go.

(03:56):
I don't change my plans when I'm the only one
going because solo runs are amazing. However, it's starting to
feel lonely. How would you suggest branching out or meeting
other people to ski with. Thanks for your help and
best of luck the ski season. Colleen, Well, I just
join a ski group. I mean, wherever you live, go
and join an adult single ski group. They have those everywhere.

(04:17):
Actually a friend of mine that's how she met her husband,
like twenty years ago. But yeah, they have ski groups everywhere.
So that's a great thing to do because then you're
never alone. And by the way, you shouldn't be skiing
alone if you want to challenge yourself, Like I don't
even go on the trees if I'm alone, because I
know better. Yeah. Well, maybe we'll find Colleen a group
and a husband or get Yeah, first comes the ski

(04:39):
group and then comes the husband. Yeah. Yeah, excellent. Well
that was easy. Yeah, it's a problem solved. Oh. Also,
I want to mention to everyone that we are rescheduling
my Vancouver dates. Those were canceled along with Calgary because
of COVID, and we are rescheduling them and so stay
tuned for that because they will be rescheduled sooner than later.

(04:59):
We're at March or April, so I will announce those
as soon as they become available. Also, we're adding a
second show at the Wiltern in Los Angeles and We've
added second shows in Portland's in Seattle. Portland, Oregon is
coming up the first weekend of February, so I'm doing Eugene, Oregon,
two shows in Portland, and then two shows in Seattle.

(05:20):
And we added a show in Winnipeg, and we added
a show in Toronto. So yeah, check Chelsea Handler dot
com and yeah, we added a ton of second shows.
So that's really exciting and I'm looking forward to seeing everybody.
It'll be a month since I've been on stage, so
I cannot wait to get back on stage. Awesome. Okay,
So our special guest today is an actress. She's a philanthropist,

(05:42):
she's a producer. She is starring in the new Netflix
show The Woman in the House, which is a satirical thriller.
She has a baby brand with Dax which is called
Hello Bellow, and they just opened up their first facility
in the United States. Everybody, and they make with their
products with organic materials and they provide diapers to so

(06:02):
many people in need, to so many people who have
children and need help with diapers. And she just came
up with a new hand cream for her CBD line,
which is called Happy Dance. They have a new hand
cream available and one percent of the proceeds from Happy
Dance go to women who are coming out of prison
and helping them reacclimate into real life again. Hi, Kristen Bell.

(06:27):
I love Kristen Bell. Don't we all love Kristen. I
love that review. As you know, I'm codependent and I
like when people like me, but also I adore you.
So the fact that I have your stamp of approval,
it just makes my heart sing. Well, both of our
hearts are swelling, and my Pikachu quite frankly, this is Katherine,
my producer, Katherine, Meet Kristen. Hi. You guys probably haven't

(06:48):
met before, so this is a nice initiation. Kristen, I'm
so excited to talk to you because I love you.
I just love the way you carry yourself, and you
know what, to me, you always come across as somebody
just who as their ship together. Do you think that's
a true accurate assessment of yourself. Not in the slightest, Chelsea,
Not in the slightest. I mean I think I try

(07:11):
what you're reading. I think is my desperation to have
my ship together. And also I'm like, not the world's
best actress, but I'm a decent one, so I appear
as such. But I will say, maybe what you're reading
is that I am very committed to not to become
a parenting book for a second, but like a growth mindset,
I am constantly striving for new information, better data. I'm

(07:36):
in a learning curve at all times. So I read
a lot, I talked to a lot of people, and
I feel like I just I don't want to stay
stagnant with any of my opinions or viewpoints. So perhaps
that makes it feel like I have my ship together.
I don't know. I mean, I guess maybe that's one
of the things I'm attracted to you about, because I too,
am always looking to have my opinions changed. I don't
want to be stuck or set. Because I've been around

(07:58):
a lot of people who are so strong minded and
so strong willed that they're in transigent. Their opinions never move,
and they think that they know the right way with
regard to parenting, or with regard to the industry, or
with how to handle tumultuous times and friendships or confrontations.
And I always find that kind of mindset when you're

(08:19):
so stuck to be really limiting and actually not that intelligent,
because anyone who's really smart knows that your opinions and
viewpoints change. Yeah, and I think it's also the least
attractive quality is to be stuck in your views, to
not have the ability to have an open mind, to me,

(08:42):
is the least attractive quality someone could have. So let
me ask you a question, because you know, you guys
are always public. You and Dax are always public about
your ups and downs in your relationships, your honesty, your therapy,
all of our bs right exactly, And I would imagine
being married to Dax is a fucking handful. I would
definitely think that that is a big That is a

(09:02):
big personality to juggle, especially when you have children. So
what are some of the things Why don't I ask
you this? What is? What do you think some of
your strengths are in your relationships, in your relationship specifically
with Dax, and then as a parent, what you've learned
about yourself and what has impressed you about yourself in
the parenting mode. Okay, well, with Dax specifically, one of

(09:26):
the reasons that we work and again, this is a
compatibility issue that I think is sort of a fundamental
part of each of our personalities, which is certainly after
the attraction level. Why we synked up and kept going
is he has well, he's addicted to everything, but one
of the things he stays addicted to is a growth mindset.
He is constantly learning and morphing and adapting, and even

(09:48):
though he is a really strong personality, you can change
his mind. He is open to other points of view.
I am a very flexible person by nature, though slightly
strong willed. So we work really you well together and
that we're both striving to learn more and going like, well,
but what is the best decision for the group. And
it's sort of like utilitarian outlook on our family. And

(10:11):
usually he will throw the first ball and say, I
want to try this, whether it's I want to try
having dinner five nights a week together with the kids.
See if that changes are dynamic, Like I'll go great,
We'll try it. Then we get the data. If it
doesn't work, then I throw a ball. And so we
kind of do that in every area of our lives.
And I will say, like, he's a huge personality and

(10:34):
he can be a lot, but like at home, he's
often not. He saves those shades for the outside world.
Like I'll tell you this, Like he has a temper
for sure, and it has never shown itself inside the
walls of this house ever, not to me, not to
the children. He is like very measured and patient when

(10:56):
there's any sort of dissent or argument. Now on the street,
if someone j walks in front of his car, like,
sh it's gonna hit the fan, you know what I mean,
Or like your if he sees something out in the
world where he sees someone getting bully or he feels
he's been slighted, he may have a temper, but it's
never at home. So he's quite a committed family man

(11:18):
under all of those sort of gruff hill billy layers.
And I just like him a lot. I'm just gonna
add that I fucking like him as a parent. I
think the thing that has shocked me the most and
sort of made me grow the most is after all
of this information I took in from like the pediatricians
and other moms and and parenting books because I am
a person that likes advice. I love getting advice because

(11:42):
I have enough self esteem to go, oh, but I
don't have to take it like no one's watching me
apply it. I want to know how you made your
marriage work. I want to know how you did better auditions.
I want to know how you parented your kids and
got them to sleep better, like, and then I can
choose what to you us. So beyond all of that
taking in all the data, when I really try to,

(12:05):
in like a Buddhist place, almost look at my kids
as like little autonomous human beings that are experiencing life
for the first time. It really screws my head on
straight when I have to deal with them, because like
the pace of life can make you treat them poorly,
and then you're laying in bed going like funk, I
shouldn't have yelled at them, or I shouldn't have rushed everyone.
I made one of them cry. But then you've got

(12:27):
to realize, I'm a six year old. She's never been
six before, so first time she's ever been six years old.
It's really hard to be six, you know. I think
that framework of like this is the first time they're
experiencing earth not only helps me deal with them, but
helps me cut myself a lot more slack because then
I put that framework on me. Right. So going back

(12:47):
to what you were saying, like, okay, you say you're
going to try something like having dinner five nights a
week and seeing where that leads to have you guys
done that stuff? Like how do how does that work
out in your family dynamic and how does it change
the family dynamic? We've put it on the books, chilse,
but we've never gotten there. We've never what is your
natural habit? Like depending on who's working and whatever, whose
home has dinner with the kids? Is that how it works.

(13:09):
What's weird is that neither of us actually have schedules
that often that take us away around dinner time. Even
we could start work at four in the morning, but
we're both usually home by six or seven. And he's
home so often now because he works out of the attict.
But we attempt to connect in the evening. But it's
more of a free for all type circus here. It's

(13:30):
like you eat when you're hungry. We mostly just snacked
during dinner. Maybe you know three times a month we'll
sit down for dinner. But in my head people have said, oh,
connecting it a family dinner, like that's when you hear
about their day and all these different things. It doesn't work.
For us. And at some point, you know, when we
tried it and we got three days in and then
everybody wanted to get up and run around with the

(13:52):
dogs are outside. We were like, why stress ourselves out
to fit inside someone else's box or idea of what
will connect us. Let's go based on our own instincts.
So the things that connect us as a family, I know,
actually laying in bed with the kids at night, when
we're talking them in we do which I believe is
like a Jewish tradition talking about your rosebud and thorn

(14:14):
of the day. Do you know this one? Yeah, you're
high and low. Yeah, your best part about your day
is your rose. Your thorn is if you're little, it's
your bad part. If you're above six years old, it
should be what could you have improved upon your thorn?
Like where did you have bad behavior that you wouldn't
emulate the next day? And then your bud is what
you're looking forward to. And somehow that always leads to

(14:35):
much more in depth connection in our family. And the
second thing is we always tell our children the why.
We always give them more of an explanation as opposed
to because I said so, Like, for instance, when they
were coming home from like preschool four years old, when
they were able to talk but didn't really want to
talk to us about a ton of things. You say
to your kid, how was your day, and they say

(14:58):
fine and walk away and act grab the girls. One
day and he goes, hey, I just want you to
know when I say how was your day, I'm not
necessarily looking for details. What I'm looking for is to
connect with you, because I haven't seen you for the
last nine hours and I want to just look at
your face and hear your voice and whatever details you
want to tell me, even if it's a make belief

(15:19):
story about your day. The reason I ask you how
was your day? Is because I really want to connect
and plug back into you. And they got it. They
were like, oh, so now I'm not under this pressure
to tell my parents about my day, which we all
know is annoying. But now I realize why my dad
is doing it, and now they do tell us about

(15:41):
their day. And where did he learn that in therapy?
I don't know. I think he makes a lot of
this stuff up. Yeah, he's very very weirdly in touch
with himself. I mean not weirdly. It's a great quality
and a man you know, I mean you you've talked
about this how he's so alpha, but at the same
time he's so sensitive and man having that in quality.
You know, I'm with someone now who's like that, and
it's really endearing. It just makes you realize, like, oh god,

(16:02):
I wish all men could be a little bit softer
and a little bit more sensitive because it's so much
fucking hotter than the alternative. Oh my god, it's crazy
because he is all of the things. At a ten,
he's like the most he could be the most aggro
at a tend, but he's also the most sensitive at ten,
and he's the most patient a the ten. It's like,
I just got a man who is a lot. And
the good thing is I like a lot. I'm a

(16:25):
big personality. I gravitate towards a lot. So that's why
it works. One of the other great tips he gave me.
He gives me all these tips. He loves giving me advice.
He but now sometimes in our in our pod, like
in our friend group now, because so many people do
a lot of advice, we have to ask each other,
are you coachable? Because somebody's be like I'm not I'm

(16:47):
not coachable right now. Um. But one of the other
things he said around the time, like our kids were
I don't know, maybe one in three, he said. And
I think he was drawing upon his childhood here. He said,
you know, I feel like kids witnessed arguments a lot,
and they very rarely ever witness the makeup portion the
conflict resolution. So he said, even when we come home,

(17:11):
if we ever have tension or an argument, because you know,
they can feel it, they're they're way smarter than you
give them credit for. Even if we solve it once
we go to bed, let's make sure that the next
day we identify it and play the role of apology
or like, hey, you know what, Daddy, I was really
grumpy when I came home from work. I'm sorry I
snapped at you. He'll go, oh, that's okay, mommy, etcetera, etcetera.
Just so the kids can have an idea of conflict resolution,

(17:32):
because something that I never realized is like, yeah, that
happens all the time. Kids see arguments everywhere, but making
up and resolution is usually done in private. So how
on earth are we supposed to give these kids the
conflict resolution skills if we never show it to them well.
And also a lot of people make up in private
because it's sexually related, Like makeup is sex, whereas you

(17:53):
know that is a that's a very cyclical thing that
a lot of couples get into where they fight and
then their makeup is sex, and it's almost like you
set up the fight in order to have the makeup sex.
So and that's completely dysfunctional too on its own, merit.
That's why we always have sex in front of them.
That's what I was going to suggest. I mean, that
just seems like the right thing to do, and it's
more family style. Anyway. What about your upbringing? I know

(18:14):
you've talked a little bit about it, but did you
feel do you feel like you took a lot from
what your parents modeled for you or what you learned
in your household because you had older siblings, right? I did.
I had two older sisters, right, and so you were
the youngest of three. Yeah, So what's weird is like
I want to have a great answer for you on this,
my memory is such that it doesn't exist, Like I

(18:38):
try to struggle with. I hear people saying, oh, when
I was six years old, I went on the spike
gride with my brother and we you know, caught a
snake or whatever their memory is about their childhood. I
literally don't have that, Like I struggle so often. Sometimes
when I look at pictures, I can remember details, but
I'm more of like a synthesizer, Like I remember feelings

(18:58):
about people, but I don't have specific memories. But I
do think what I digested from my dad was definitely
hard work and subtlety. But that's kind of a shocker
coming out of my mouth. But my dad is a
very hard worker. But when he comes home, he's sort
of just you feel like he's a wallflower, but he's not.
He's very present, but he's like quiet and very sort

(19:20):
of official unless he's had chardonnay and then he gets giggly.
But with the girls, he was always just sort of
like this stability. I guess that is what I mean,
like subtle stability. And he was very committed to his
job and he ran it like a family. He's a
news director. And from my mom, I think she's she's
very zany and she was always committed to paying it

(19:42):
forward and helping people. And I think I got this.
I do think I synthesized this melting pot of those things,
because I would say the things I value the most
are like being good to people, helping and being a
hard worker and attempting to be as consistent and stable
as I can. And do you think that being a
hard worker the sire to be a hard worker? Because
I've been thinking about this a lot. You know how

(20:03):
how hard women especially want to show up, you know,
especially in this industry on a set. You want to
be the one that's not going to complain, that's going
to be there the longest, going to be the best
team player. It's not very frequently that that behavior gets rewarded.
Don't you feel like women we do that. We have
that in our genes where we think we have to
overperform to earn our place at the table. And that

(20:26):
is from a long, long time. And I know a
lot of female actresses who feel the same way. They
feel like, oh, we've got to be the girl that's
not going to complain, that's gonna be there the latest
and be ready and willing to work the double or
come in earlier, you know, pick up the slack for
someone else. Yeah, it's interesting because I was with you
until you said, staying there late, and that's not something
I roll with at all. I am like, look, at

(20:47):
the minute I get to work, I want to leave.
And it's not because I don't like work. It's because
I am allergic to two things on this planet, penicillin
and inefficiency, and I just do not tolerate inefficiency. Well,
it is a one time I will get ridable. It
is the one time I will get frustrated with people. Sincerely,
I don't necessarily think that my outlook is for me

(21:09):
to be working the hardest or being the best. I
think my job is to help other people around me
work their hardest and be their best. And sometimes that
means that I'm on morale, that I've memorized my lines
the night before, and rather than like pretending to sit
with the director and plan the shop, which he doesn't

(21:29):
need me to do, I'm going around to the grips
and asking them like how their family was last night,
and like are you gonna be able to make it
home for dinner? And getting people excited about living a
human life, because I find that people are not valuing
being people anymore, like some culture's value being the work
and others value existing. And I think we valued being

(21:52):
the work for so long, and I'm a little bit
over that phase. Like I do work hard and I
come prepared. That's not to say I don't come prepared,
but my goal is to help the people around me
work better and harder and more efficiently so that we
can all get back to being ourselves at the end
of the day and have a little bit of quality
of life. I like that, that's right. I mean, we
live in a society that's all about work, and it's like,

(22:14):
I'm you know, I had that moment about ten years
ago where I'm like, I do not want to work
like this for the rest of my life. I just can't.
I don't want to. I want to have a high
quality life. I want to be able to travel and
impact and inspire, you know, and have people live their
lives vicariously through me. And it's like, why can't we
all just live our lives vicariously through ourselves, you know,
not everybody has the freedom of the independence, the lack

(22:36):
of children in my in my situation, let me ask
you about do you care what people think about you? Yeah?
Like too much? Really? Yeah? And I work on it
every single day. But I have a visceral stomach reaction
when I feel like someone is not pleased with me.

(22:58):
And I think that that comes maybe from childhood fights
with my mom, probably of when I felt like I
was disappointing someone. It somehow in my childhood, which wasn't
particularly traumatic, became the worst feeling that I could have.
So I did spend a lot of my life ignoring

(23:18):
my own instincts because that was an easier path than
thinking or feeling that someone was disappointed in me or
didn't like me, wasn't like approving of me. And it's
been like a struggle because I think weirdly the pandemic
has helped me with this because there were so many
closed doors and I had to you had to sort
of sit with yourself and you had to look at

(23:40):
the person in the mirror and go, what do you think?
Because actually you're the only person that matters. Like, if
you feel that your actions are responsible on your side
of the street is clean, that really is all that
should matter. And I say that out loud to myself
all the time because I haven't fully digested it. But
I'm at tem Ding and Dax has all these amazing

(24:01):
things from a like you should you should only compare
yourself to the person you were yesterday, you know, when
you're feeling way less than like I didn't accomplish enough
for someone wasn't pleased with me. Well, it was I
better than I was yesterday. But looking at myself in
the mirror and really going are you happy with yourself?
For some reason has always been really difficult for me.
And do you find yourself to have a generally happy disposition? Well, Chelsea,

(24:25):
it depends on if I'm taking my medication. Yeah, no, seriously,
I mean I've been on an antidepressant forever and nine
twenty and it was because well, first of all, my
mom had explained to me why she was on one
at a very young age. She was a nurse, so
she also like and she's a really cookie, so she

(24:46):
when she became a cardiologist nurse, she would bring home
open heart surgery like VHSS and we'd sit and eat
spaghetti and watch an open heart surgery. Or one time
she bribed the guy at the morgue and brought in
three human hearts to my tenth grade science class. Like,
she's weird and I love it. But she told me
very early on, as she is very open medically was

(25:06):
She was like, hey, so I this is the reason
I take this antidepressant because my serotonin levels aren't what
they should be. And if you ever start to feel
this way, and she gave me this list of symptoms,
just know there's a variety of things you can do,
Like we could exercise more, go to therapy. You could
talk to a psychologist or psychiatrist. Maybe there's a medication
that's right for you. Maybe not, like it's not everybody
gets treated with the medication, certainly. And then when I

(25:28):
went to college on my second year of college, I
just started to feel the best way to describe it
as I felt really heavy and also simultaneously like I
was floating, like I didn't have anything grounding me, and
like I just was not myself, Like I was inside
this big dark fog and this cage and I couldn't
get out, and my reactions weren't within my control. I

(25:49):
was like irritable and stuff. And I talked to my
mom about it, and you know, my journey was trying
a bunch of things and then figuring out that maybe
this medication was right and it has been a godsend.
And one thing my mom said that that helped me
forever reduced the stigma, and I'm practically gonna get a
tattooed on my body so that people can see it.

(26:09):
Is if you're ever feeling like you are less than
or ashamed to take a medication for your brain health,
would you ask yourself this, Would you ever deny a
diabetic their insulin. Would you ever say no, no, no, no, no,
don't don't take that insulin. Just process your sugar better.
You should be able to do that, like it's the

(26:30):
same thing, and that this is not This is not
to get into the argument at all that things are overprescribed,
which they are. And then I needed this certain pill
to help me balance my serotonin and it has helped
me so much because there are sometimes when like I'll
go on a trip for five days and forget my
medication or something and I just feel like shit, I

(26:52):
just feel like I'm caged inside my body and I
can't control my reactions and things are happening to me
as opposed to I'm experuire oriensing them. Yeah. Yeah, I
think everybody needs to have the self confidence to understand
that it's up to you to decide what's best for you.
Not to listen to other people decide diagnosing you, even

(27:12):
though actually we both consider ourselves to be medical professionals.
I know that you do as well. I consider myself
to be a pharmacological into it. I think I just
know instinctively what people need and when they need it.
Although I mean I have to make the declaration that
we are not medical professionals. We don't have degrees, but
we both fancy ourselves to be excelling in the medical profession.
What I like is that we're talking about it like

(27:34):
there's there's a couple different types of people. There's no
at alls. Then there's the people who don't talk about
it at all and everything is shameful, and then there's
the people like us, which I think our category is
like no, we talk about it and some things helps
some people. And I try to be because I for
some reason fell into the forefront of this issue of
talking about mental health and awareness. I try to be

(27:55):
really responsible in saying like I never say what medication
I'm on for a very specific reason, because I don't
want any young girl saying that's the one Kristen Bell takes.
I want to take it, because that may not be
right for her body. There's a there's a bunch of
different ones for a reason. Also, sometimes it's just you
need more exercise. Like people we've gotten we used to
like build our huts and stuff, you know, and we

(28:16):
we don't get enough physical activity even just walking during
the day as these modernized, technologically dependent human beings. And
so sometimes if you're feeling down in the dumps, it's
that you just need to get up and move your
butt a little bit. And I'm not saying you need
to be a certain size, but like you need to
take a couple of ups around the block in the
morning and at night, and maybe that does the trick.
Like endorphins are a real thing. And then there's also

(28:38):
just talking to someone like talk therapy. And I read
this amazing book. Have you read The Body Keeps the Score?
The way he talks about treating PTSD patients, particularly vets,
and and mandating that they also participate in a in
a voluntary physical activity with a group as part of

(28:59):
their recovery. So he'll do talk therapy, but they have
to either join a drum circle, join a choir, join
a yoga class, join a you know, tai chi in
the park, whatever anything that's voluntarily interacting physically with another
human being no words, is like really regulating for the brain.
That's one thing I've been really into these days is

(29:19):
just like kicking a ball with my kids when they're
frustrated they're having a tantrum. Sometimes I let's just go
play kickball and you can tell me all about it,
and then they'll calm down, like almost instantly. And sometimes
I have to trick them because they're in tantrum mode
and we're folding laundry together, whatever, and they're furious at me,
and all of a sudden, I'm the worst mom ever.
And I'll just pass them a hangar and in the

(29:40):
midst of their tantrum, they'll pass it back, and then
I'll pass it to him again and they're still crying.
And after passing this hangar back and forth, they have
somehow regulated because our bodies are communicating. Wow. I love that.
It's so interesting and it feels like voodoo, and it
might be, but it works. It's like a spell. You
can cat on them. Great, great, I love it. I

(30:03):
love it. Kristen, Well, that's a great jumping off point, Katherine.
Should we take some calls? Yes, let's definitely get to
some callers, but first let's take a quick ad break.
So we're gonna give advice to people who call in
for our our expertise. Kristen, we always have guest doctors
on your our guest Doctor today. I love it, and

(30:23):
I mean, I don't know how you did this, but
so much of what you both just talked about we
are going to cover today. So this first question feels
a little silly at first, blush, but it really is
important to be able to talk to your partner about
sensitive issues. Our first question comes from a j. The
subject line is great sex, but terrible breath. Dear Chelsea,

(30:46):
My husband and I have been together for eight years,
and our sex life just gets better and better the
longer we're together. We both love spontaneous sex and try
to do it as often as possible. But with that spontaneity,
there's a drawback. I'll go to make out with them
and his breath smells like catshit. It's really gross and
turns me off. I just have to hold my breath
until we change positions. I've tried addressing it with him

(31:09):
in the past, that he gets so sensitive about it.
How do I address this with him without him getting
so upset. A Oh my god, that's so so annoying. Okay, wait,
I had this issue once I was hooking up with
I had a boyfriend that lived in Spain, and we
would meet each other and in random countries in Europe.

(31:32):
It was very high It sounds as high end as
it was. It was very high salutint international love story.
It was exactly what I was excited about becoming an
adult for, so I could have different men in different ports. Anyway,
I this guy was really sexy and really hot, but
he had very strong morning breath. It wasn't at night
it wasn't so bad, but in the morning it was,

(31:53):
and it almost felt like it was coming from his stomach,
because a lot of people's breath isn't really about what
they've been eating. It's more what's going on with their gut. Right,
So I kind of met up with him for as
long as I could, and then I just felt like
I would want someone to be honest with me. And
I know men can be very sensitive to these issues,
so I understand I want to take that into account,
but I want to share my story with you. I

(32:15):
did send him an email and I explained it to
him in a very gentle way. Oh. This was after
he sent me a book called Perfume, and I thought,
how ironic that this man is sending me a book
about sense when I can't stand the smell of him
in the morning. But I did tell him. I said, listen,
I just want to be really honest with you, because
I would want somebody to be honest with me. But
you know, you have really a really strong scent in

(32:37):
the morning, and I don't know if it's coming, if
you should test for Candida, or if you have something
internally going on, but you know it's unpleasant and it's
just a really strong odor. So I just want to
let you know that. And you know, he was a
little embarrassed at first, but then he did get it
looked into, and it turns out he did have Candida,
so I am a doctor. But he was appreciative and

(32:57):
we're still friends and we talk. Hopefully he's not listening
to this podcat ask because he'll be embarrassed. But I
won't mention his name. There are so many Spanish lovers
I have, so it would be hard to narrow it
down anyway. But his sensitivity, like you can't ignore a
problem because someone sensitive, you just have to be as
compassionate as as you can be when telling him about
the fact that his breath is really strong. And I

(33:19):
also think strong is a good word to use instead
of bad. Yeah, And I also think so One time,
my old roommate Katie, took this class called Understanding Men
Celebrating Women, and it was like one of the things
she learned from it was like a self help class
to you know, get along. I mean, this is also
my friend Katie is so amazing because she also she

(33:39):
was having a lot of early sex and wasn't dating
long term, and she was like, I have to hang
out with a guy for twenty four hours before I
can have sex with him. And I was like, Katie,
that kind of sounds like your old pattern. She was like, no,
twenty four hours. So if the first date is three hours,
then I market like, we've spent three hours together. And
I was like, that's kind of a baller way to
figure out how to get a little bit more long

(33:59):
term and not just you know, spread on the right.
She had a little little chart, but in this class,
it was like one thing they taught the women right
away was like, you gotta know when to talk to
the guy because guys are like not always online to
talk about things with words and emotions there. They spend

(34:19):
most of the day offline, most of them, let's be honest,
and so like what I use this with Dex all
the time too, Like I'm sort of like predator to prey,
monitoring when I can talk to him about who which
family members will be coming in for Christmas, or when
I can set him down to ask him about, you know,
the kids joining in after school program that he'll have
to drive them to, like all these little things. I

(34:41):
think finding a time when you both are in a
really really good mood and then saying I have something
really vulnerable to say, and you start there. So you
start by unzipping your chest. And then I think the
wordage is really important, like you're saying, Chelsea, like the
word strong, saying I don't know that this is your problem,

(35:01):
but I do know that it's ours. I might just
have a really sensitive nose. Because here's the thing. Pheromones
are like a very real thing. Remember, Like they've like
got a bunch of guys sweaty in a bunch of
T shirts and had women smell them and some were
revolted by some and really turned on by others, Like,
it might not be that his breath is so bad
so much that her nose is really sensitive to that

(35:22):
type of breath at that time. So you have to
you have to take responsibility for like, I'm really sensitive
to this. Is there anything we could do? Because I
am so attracted to you. I want to make the
most of my experience with you. If you come at
it from that angle, it might be easier to get
him to like keep some you know, dentine in his
pocket or whatever. Or if all else fails and you're

(35:47):
having spontaneous sex and you get a whiff of the breath,
turn it around, give him a button. Don't go in
bill frontal, you know what I mean. Just sit on
his face with your assholes what christens saying? Maybe breath
will get better. There's plenty of ways to have sex.
I've Dax and I've only tried one and we only
ever will. But I've heard there's a lot of different

(36:09):
ways that sex. So if you feel like, oh, yeah, morning,
like you're saying, if you can isolate the time morning
is when it is, then just turn around and give
him your rump. Yeah, you could do that, but also,
you know the tongue scrapers, these are all avenues like
some something. It's sometimes it's such a simple fix when
people have bad breath. And yeah, it's just about I

(36:29):
think everything she said about creating the right vibe for
the conversation knowing went to have the conversation, because that
is actually somebody who's evolved. When you know you have
to have a difficult conversation and you just don't do
it when you want to. You do it when it's
going to be right for the person you're approaching during sex.
Is not the moment, that's not the time. Yeah, I'm
a very sensitive I have a very sensitive nose too,

(36:50):
so I understand that because anything, if a smell is
too strong, it totally turns me off and I can
get really grossed out really easily. So I hear what
you're saying, but I would definitely say it's worth bringing
up and in all the ways that we just suggested.
And there's no reason his breath should smell like cat
sh it. That doesn't sound right. So either it's a
diet thing, or it's a tongue scraping thing, or it's

(37:12):
just a hygienic thing. But I'm sure that you're gonna
find a solution together and also remind him just how
hot the sex it has been and how much you're
loving having sex with him. Now. I mean, that's really
the bottom line of what all men care about hearing,
you know, is how great they are in bed. So
underline that a couple of times you and I are
making a great doctor to like if I'm considering maybe

(37:34):
we should start a practice, because you're being practical and
you're like gastro intestinal doctor, tongue scraper, and I'm like
time of day emotional temperature taking, you know, I think
you suggest no, just from behind, not special. I'm actually
suggesting anal look. Whether it's a t M or whether
it's uh, I don't care what it is. But there's

(37:57):
plenty of but stuff that you can do. You and
you can even get into the V you know, round
the back through the button. There's a whole bunch of
stuff that you can do. But I'm saying, like you're
you're being so practical and I'm being emotional. This is
a really good practice we've we've put together here. I
hope we get more clients. I think we do we
keep us posted about what happens with your husband's breath? Okay,

(38:18):
let us know how you addressed it and what the
end result was when there is one? Thank you for
calling or writing? Actually, yeah, well, our next question comes
from Kristen. She lives in l A and she's an
actor and writer. She says, Dear Chelsea, I'm in the
entertainment field and industry where there is increasing necessity to
be everything for yourself actor, director, manager, editor, producer, you

(38:42):
name it. You cannot just be one thing. I'm very capable,
and I know I'm talented, but God, being my own
pr person is exhausting and goes against so many of
my instincts. Do you have any advice on advocating for
yourself in your field, really any field, while maintaining a
sense of your own integrity and authenticity. Kristen, and she's

(39:03):
with us here on the phone as well. Okay, great,
let's see her. Hi Kristen, Oh, Hi, hi, Hi, Hi,
Nice to meet you. It nice to meet you too.
You spell it with an ian, so do I? Yeah.
I think there's like a vital personality difference between Ian
and I am. That's how I feel about Chelsea's with

(39:23):
a y at the end. Okay, so Christen, tell us
what's going on. So you're feeling overwhelmed with I'm a
person that likes wearing a lot of hats because I
do enjoy control. But I think there's a certain element
of wanting to move yourself forward, but like hits the
point where you have to involve other people and you
have to like promote yourself. And I get that that's

(39:46):
the thing you have to do, but it's hard, I think,
to find the balance of like putting yourself out there
and like making connections, etcetera, etcetera, while still feeling like
a genuine human being. Right Weirdly, I would say I'm
a big fan of teams, Like I have hired a

(40:06):
bunch of my friends. We have like four or five
people that you know, have are part of the whole
Bell Shepherd Empire. Whatever it is we do over here,
God only knows, but most of them have been long
term friends because I'm a person that likes to start
with trust, and I know that that can be tricky
for some people, like don't hire your friends, but for me,
I need to know can I call you from midnight

(40:28):
from a jail cell and will you bail me out? Like?
Is there like there is there an ultimate trust factor?
Will you watch my kids for twenty minutes if I
need to run somewhere? Like that kind of a thing
more than just a business relationship, but I do. I
will say, once I finally installed a team that did
different things like having a publicist and having this, I
actually felt it was easier to be an authentic person
because then I wasn't responsible for all of it. But

(40:50):
it was incredibly hard for me to delegate in the beginning.
So I would say, make sure you're looking in the
mirror and asking yourself, is this my hesitancy to delegate?
Because I do like the control, because I identify with
what you said in a major way. I wanted to
be able to control it, and I like to micromanage,
and I like to know every little piece of the puzzle.

(41:12):
But the moment I found a trustworthy person that I
handed that off to, like you're going to be the
one to tell everyone that I'm awesome, I don't want
to say it to anybody. I just want to walk
in the room and be awesome. I don't want to
have to tell everybody. You notice I was awesome. Right.
Once you pass that off to someone, it's shockingly gets
easier and it's hard like the first month, but then
you breathe a lot easier. Um, knowing that you can

(41:34):
rely on members of your team to do a specific task,
like one it's the publicist, or one is responsible for
editing your stuff or whatever it is. Okay, yeah, Christian,
are you in a position where you can do that,
where you have people that can help you or um?
But not quite. I mean I have like friends that
have some of those skills, and I'm not quite at
a point where I, like, I can't hire anybody, right

(41:57):
Because what I was gonna say, it's the kind of
calm flickt of having to be self promotional all the
time and also feeling disingenuous about it sometimes, you know
where it feels like you're selling yourself or self you know,
promoting yourself so much. It is just a nature of
this business that you kind of have to just get
on board with. So, you know, the more you resist anything,

(42:17):
it becomes a bigger and bigger hill to climb over
instead of just accepting that this is part of the business,
especially in these days, you know, it's a multimedia, multi
platform promotional thing, like you have to kind of get
on board with that because there are people that are
willing to do that, and they're going to be doing
it harder and better and stronger. So it is just
one of those things that comes with the nature of

(42:39):
being in this industry. You know, you kind of have
to wear a lot of hats a lot of the
time until you're in a position where you can delegate
to more and more people. But the way to get
to that position is by really just you know, putting
your best foot forward and having Sometimes when you have
a bad attitude about something, you know what I mean,
it creates such a barrier between you and the very
thing that you have to do. That's how I felt

(43:01):
about Instagram in the beginning. I was like, I can't
possibly be doing this, you know what I mean, posting
pictures like personal? How much more personal could I get?
There was no secrets to be in with so, you know,
But then I just now I love it because I
have fun with it and I have embraced it in
a way where I just understand that it's part of
the business, and yes, it's a younger, newer part of

(43:21):
the business. But there's no point in me not jumping
on board and just having the right attitude about it.
So I think all of those little things that are
kind of seemed so cumbersome or seem overwhelming, if you
could really just work your way around it and to
really just look, even if it's with like affirmations in
the morning, or if it's with you telling yourself like,
this is part of the process, and it's it's a

(43:43):
way to get to the next stage, so that you
do have an opportunity to be in a position like
Kristen or me where you have people taking care of
all the things that you don't necessarily want to be
using all of your main time to focus on. And also,
i'd say, first of all, the fact that you are
either and hesitant about or you have reservations about feeling inauthentic,

(44:04):
it speaks to the fact that you're probably a very
good hang, you know what I mean. Like people that
like love being self promotional and have no qualms about it,
those are bad hangs, you know. But you you seem
like a very awesome person, and just don't forget to
frame what you're doing all of it, whether it's auditioning

(44:25):
or directing or editing or whatever it is a writing
don't forget to frame it with the love and confidence
that you started out with, Like you don't have to
think of it like a business at all times. And
that's oddly what reads to people, like that effervescence of like, oh, yeah,
you're doing it because you love it. So if you
go to a party and somebody's talking about let's say
you wrote and start in a web series, someone's talking

(44:46):
about their's, you bring yours up, not because you're trying
to be self promotional, but because you have skin in
this game, because you loved what you created and you
want to share it with people, and you're proud of it,
and it was passionate for you. And I will say,
share ring on that level with that framework, to me
always reads differently, Like I can tell when someone's sharing
something because they love it and they're passionate about it,

(45:07):
even if they're sort of using the same words as
someone who's trying to be self promotional, like if you
really love it, which you seem like you do because
you're you're thinking, you're very thoughtful about it, Like remember
how passionate and confident you are to have gotten to
even this stage where you're you're hustling to do it,
and leading with that kind of framework might make it
feel a little bit more fun, like what Chelsea was saying,

(45:30):
going from Instagram feeling like a headache to like, oh no,
I have fun with it well, and something that a
friend of mine did, this might be helpful to sort
of distance herself from um, the fact that you have
to say this stuff about yourself. A friend of mine
when he was building his business, and this was just
like a regular a regular business, not entertainment industry thing,
but he set himself up a Gmail. It was like

(45:52):
a made up person, Shannon Jones at gmail dot com,
and he would get either himself he would write emails,
or he would get like an online assistant, like someone
who's very low cost through Elans or another one of
those online companies, and he would just have that same email.
Someone could send stuff through that same email, so if
you had to switch assistance, they could still be sending

(46:13):
from that same email address. And it helped him to
sort of like put himself out there in a way
that was not him touting his own wares, but like
seemed like he had a team when he couldn't afford
to have a team, so maybe that can help give
you a little distance from that. Well wow, that was great.
Do you feel like you've got some good advice today, Kristen, Yes,

(46:33):
I do. Thank you. Oh good, well good, Yeah, I
think you're going to be just fine. Okay, great, I'll
report back, yeah, report back to us. Okay, you can
take a little bit of what we all said. We
all gave you good stuff. So yeah, thank you. All right,
nice to meet you. Thanks Kristen. Girls helping girls doesn't

(46:54):
Isn't that just heartwarming? I know it's if I had
come into the business now and had to hustle in
this environment. I don't know, it's too many, so many
balls in the air, but you just have to take
one ball at a time and just be like, Okay,
I'm gonna do this, this and this, because otherwise everything
is overwhelming. And staying in your lane. That's another thing. God,

(47:14):
I hate giving him so much credit, but that Dax
taught me is like, you know, ten years ago, when
I would just be like, man, Michelle Williams got it again,
I'm never gonna get that part. He he just looks
at me and he goes stay in your lane, Like
stop trying to be this like indie actress just because
you think that that's cool at the moment. Like you
have a weird quirky vibe. Be in movies that have

(47:36):
a weird quirky vibe. If they're commercial, they're commercial. If
they win, they win. If they don't, they don't. But
like I think that applies a lot to now when
it's like, you know, right when you master Instagram, all
of a sudden, TikTok comes out. What the funk is TikTok?
I don't know, I don't know how to do that.
So it's like you have to do you have to
be good with writing because you have to be on
Twitter and promoting yourself and they have to do Instagram,

(47:57):
and then you have to also audition, and like she's saying,
you have to be able to write your own stuff,
and it's just like too many hats. So pick two
that you love or three that you love and just
stay in those lanes. Yeah, that's good advice for anybody
who's comparing themselves to other people anyway, because that's such
a feudal game and it comes up all the time
on this podcast, and it's you know and and in
this industry, and it's hard not to compare yourself to

(48:18):
other people. But like, as long as you are you're
you're missing your mark. You know, as long as you're
looking around, you are missing where you're standing. And the
only person that you should ever compare yourself to is
the person you were yesterday is dax Is dad. While
our next question comes from Abigail, she says, Dear Chelsea,

(48:39):
about two years ago, my sister told me I needed
to read Chelsea's book Life Will Be the Death of Me,
because Chelsea reminded her a little bit too much of me.
I'm a black and white thinker, stubborn, I think I'm
right all the time, and I hate being coddled. As
you can imagine, this makes it incredibly difficult to find
a therapist or psychiatrist, but I need one. But the

(49:00):
idea of sitting in the room after paying to tell
someone about my trauma for an hour to see if
we're a good fit really just sounds like the most
exhausting version of a first date. I'm curious how you
found your therapist, Dan, and how you knew he was
the one for you. What did you look for in
a psychiatrist, and do you have any tips to weed
out the pool of candidates? Abigail, Well, we can both

(49:21):
speak to this because we both are very therapy pro therapy.
I'll go first because I think it's important. I met
my guy because I was interviewing him on my old
talk show on Netflix. So that's not how you're going
to meet yours unless you have a talk show on
Netflix and you can interview psychiatrists. But the more important
reason was because I knew, like you, that I needed
to make a change and that my anger was getting

(49:42):
too unmanageable and that I needed some help to articulate
what was really underneath that anger, which is for everybody
is different, but it's usually an injury or deeper something
that you haven't been able to look at or accurately articulate.
In my case, it was something that but to me
when I was very young. But you know, you can't

(50:03):
look at therapy and go I don't want to deal
with that, because that is what therapy is, not wanting
to deal with things. So you know, I didn't take
a lot of joy and going to my therapist office
week after week when I knew i'd break down and
be vulnerable in front of a man, which was my
number one issue. Not being vulnerable in front of men
was like my way to protect myself against any hurt
or any disappointment from any mail. But it's a process,

(50:26):
just like it is to go out and date. Like, yeah,
nobody wants to go on a bunch of eight first dates,
but it's necessary if you're really serious about finding somebody
that's combatible to you. And that applies to therapists too,
so you kind of you know, the first step is
always the hardest step, and then once you take the
first step, there's a domino effect that happens just by
you putting the energy towards healing yourself and trying to

(50:46):
find the person. It comes to you more easily when
you are open and willing instead of shutting down and
resisting it. So as long as you make you know,
go to a therapist, find somebody, get a reference from
a friend or referral from a friend, or go to
better help online, go you know what, however casual or
serious you want to make your encounter, but that will

(51:07):
give you a direction of what's going to work for you.
And if you go and you meet with somebody and
it doesn't work, then that's no reason for you to
give up. That's more of an impetus for you to
go to the next person and try it out again.
You don't have to tell people your life story to
find out if it's a fit. That's not what a
first therapy session it really is. Anyway, I agree, and
I will even jump off of one thing you need
to do before all that. You need to sit down,

(51:29):
open your calendar and decide how many hours a week
are you willing to put into you And maybe that's
one hour a week, maybe that's six, But what how
badly do you want personal growth? And how many hours
a week are you willing to devote to that? Maybe
it's four That seems barely reasonable. If you're like, I
really want personal growth, I'm gonna give this four hours
a week. Well, maybe one hour is making a list

(51:52):
of texting and friends. Do you guys go to a therapist?
Do you like him? If so, why or looking up
someone online? Are going to better help? And then the
other three are scheduled appointments. So don't go in thinking
that this is gonna be your soul mate like because
not all therapists are the same everybody's got a different style.
I knew I was in love with my therapist when
the first time I went in. Can you hear my

(52:14):
husband clearing his throat in the background? Um, I really
so loud. I went into my therapist, Harry, and and
I started talking and he said, just let me. Let
me tell you one thing. I am so happy to
take your hundred dollars this hour, and you can talk
for as long as you want. When you would like
a solution, you just let me know. And I would
No one had ever spoken to me like that in

(52:35):
my life. And I was like what. It was so
practical and it was so attractive, and he was like, yeah,
there will be an end to you complaining and there
will be a solution when you start the work. And
everything works like that. If you want to get a
really rock and core and you want to be super strong,
you don't do one sit up, You go back to
the gym all the time, or you do whatever activities

(52:57):
you need to do. So you got to decide how
much effort you willing to pour into yourself and once
you once you acknowledge that, then give those hours into
the trial and error that will be necessary to find
the person that will help you with the most personal growth,
and that adjustment period is much quicker than we all think.
We always think it's such a hurdle, and it's not.
It is so easy to rehabituate your habits and to

(53:19):
all of a sudden get addicted to personal growth because
once you get in with somebody that is giving you
information that you're able to digest and apply to your life,
it becomes addictive. And then you realize, oh, wow, I
can change and I could become this better version of myself,
and I can apply all of these things in real time,
and that in and of itself becomes something so worthwhile.

(53:40):
I mean, nobody's ever gone to therapy and been like, wow,
that was a mistake, you know. I mean, there are
some shitty therapists, but therapy overall as an idea is
always going to benefit you. It's just like meditation. No
one's like, fun, I can't believe I meditated this morning.
That ruined my day. And also remember, even if you
go to one that give you advice you don't think

(54:01):
is fitting for you, that's fine. Then you still have
checked something off the list. I found the type of
advice I don't like I found the type of advice
I don't need right now that's not going to work
for me. Either I'm not there yet to apply it
or genuinely isn't something I need to work on. And
this person sort of misread the situation or I didn't
explain it accurately, whatever it is, but be open. I mean,

(54:23):
I will say, like I love getting advice from people.
I love how knowing how people accomplished little things, whether
it's cooking or raising kids or relationship or whatever. You
can take all of it in. You don't have to
use any of it, but it Once you know what
works for you, that's when you're starting your ascension. Yeah.

(54:44):
And I would even say it to this point of
like shitty therapist like you said, Chelsea, or somebody who's
just not a right fit for you is don't do
what I did many years ago when I got someone
who was legitimately a lemon, like she did not know
anything about me. From week to weeks, she would be like, Oh,
how's your boyfriend Greg? And I'd be like my husband, Brad,

(55:05):
that ship. Yeah. I saw her just enough times for
her to uncover a lot of like deep hurt that
I had specifically on my father. And you know, I
previously it had a good relationship with my father, and
after that, like I quit going to her after having
that stuff uncovered and being like she doesn't know who
I am. Whatever, this is fine, I'm gonna not go anymore.

(55:26):
So I quit and I didn't immediately find another therapist,
and I went through a year of just like being
really angry at my dad because I had all this
like stuff that had gotten uncovered but then hadn't gotten
dealt with. So don't do what I did. And if
you get a lemon or somebody who's just not a
good fit, go find somebody else. But you see the
value in that as well. Though, now you you can
you can frame any situation, even if it's negative, with

(55:48):
value of like, oh I walked out of that relationship,
that relationship with that therapist who was a lemon was
a value to you, because now you don't want sort
of twisted into a positive not to be too sunshine
and rainbows about it, but you really can't twist it
into a positive of going, well, now I know what
I don't want, and that's more information I have, Yeah,
more information and a wait for you to set the

(56:10):
standard for the next time that you go okay, so well,
I think that this was all great. First of all,
christ and I knew you'd be good to giving advice
because you you are. And I was right because my
instincts are good and we're gonna close this out. But
I wanted to ask you one thing, Kristen that I'm
curious about, because I know you have a lot of
a lot of close friendships. You guys have a big
friend group, both you and Dex together. How do you

(56:33):
handle conflict with with your friendships. You're not gonna like
this answer. It's not buried under the rug. We edited.
I'm a big fan of editing. The pandemic allowed us
to create a social experiment that we never would have done,
which is, you know those hundred people that are in
your phone that you're always like, hey, next month, let's

(56:53):
grab a cup of Joe and you don't, or you
do and it's miserable but you feel like you should
or whatever. We picked. There's ten adults, ten kids in
our pod. We're always close with these people, but it
was never like this group of people shut off the
rest of the world. But during the pandemic, we realized
there's such a comfort level here that everyone is not

(57:14):
on the same page. But but the compatibility level is there.
Nobody wants conflict to be in this group, and there's
everybody kind of has a role and the dynamics are
acceptable to everyone. That we just edited everybody else out,
like we don't really hang out with a ton of
new people at all. We continually received new information and

(57:37):
because we're always you know, reading books, are talking about things.
But the reality is I don't experience much conflict with
my friends because I don't tolerate negativity that when I
get that bad feeling in my stomach, I steer clear
of it. Well, that's good advice, and that's a good
way for us to end this podcast today, because I
think that's a very important thing that people who really
are interested in getting themselves healthy do eventually reject negative

(58:01):
vibes and negative people around them, and that's a good
lesson for everybody to have or learn. Chelsea, I think
we have to take a quick break before we wrap
up with Kristen. Chelsea, I just want to ask you
before we go, do you you seem like a fairly
tell me if I'm reading this wrong, not codependent person.

(58:23):
Do you have any advice for me about how to
whether it's a mantra or a framework or a practice,
because I struggle with codependency so often, to help me
just be a little less paralyzing the codependent. I am
not codependent. You're right. I am very the opposite of codependent.

(58:45):
But that's I think because I don't have a lot
of responsibilities that would make me codependent. I'm in a
relationship right now where my boyfriend is codependent. He wants
to be together every single minute and do everything together.
And I allow that because I have a pretty healthy
relationship with myself and I understand when I need the
time to myself. But as far as something suggesting something

(59:05):
to you, I would suggest something to you something that
really helps me understand who I am and to be
alone with like I think it's so important to sit
with yourself for a certain period of time each day,
even if it's twelve or fifteen minutes. This meditation I
do is the Chopra app and it's called well being challenges.
He's got tons of different sections, but there's a well

(59:26):
being challenge that is all about you and living with
yourself like and living in unity with yourself and the
universe and living with love and living with abundance and
moving with love, and it's all just about your relationship
with yourself and the strength that you have within and
then that is unflappable no matter what is happening around you,

(59:48):
that you are so anchored and centered. So that's a great,
great practice that I can recommend that has helped me
immensely remind myself when I'm feeling like I'm being tugged
or that that vibe is coming well being challenges, Okay,
I need to apply that because I will say I
just got back from I did a movie in London.
I got back about ten days ago, and I was

(01:00:08):
there for seven weeks, and the family had come out
to visit. But I will tell you the weeks that
they weren't there. The weekend days where I wasn't working.
I woke up in the morning and I was like,
I could get out of bed, but why what? What
would be the point? Because I realized I actually don't
have many, if any goals or aspirations or desires when

(01:00:29):
I'm not orbiting around or with someone else. Like I
was like, well, I could get out of this hotel room,
but like, what would I even do right? Right? But
that's normal. That's normal to want to sit in bed
all day like your family's away, you're not working, like
of course, and there I need to cut myself some slack.
But I did find it like interesting to go oh

(01:00:49):
when I'm not orbiting around someone else, because I'm not
codependent in the fact that I always want to be
with someone. I just want to be in the same vicinity,
like I like to have the tribe in the house,
but I don't need to leave, like in the same room,
are doing the same thing as you? But I do
need to know you're happy with me. And it's like
that ache of going are you happy with me? Did
I do enough for you? Did? I? Like, I don't know?

(01:01:10):
Are you? Are you approving of my behavior, supersteeds, all
of my own instincts or desires? And I'm desperately working
on going No, I don't need to actually worry about
what you're processing, whether it's about me or someone else.
I need to worry about my side of the street.
And yeah, maybe those well being challenges will allow me
to get to know myself because it reminds you that
you're enough. Everything you're doing is enough, and it's just

(01:01:32):
always grounding and centering to think about. There's one of
where he talks about grounding yourself in like your lower abdomen,
and I was like, what you know? And at first
some of it just sounds so unreachable, and then and
then us I was going on stage whenever I was
feeling like fluttery or butterflies, are waiting for the audience
to respond before to indicate or dictate my show, was Oh,

(01:01:55):
how is the audience experiencing this? And it's like I
remember going, no, you yourself, and then the audience is
going to experience you being grounded, and then it doesn't
matter what their what their reaction is, You're settled, you're strong,
and change their whole reaction to your show by doing that,
because that's one thing I do fully believe in, because
I absorb everyone's energy around me. Like if you come

(01:02:17):
into the room and you were just teary eyed, I
will feel sad and I won't even know why, and
I hate that that happens, But I like absorb everyone's
energy and and and sitting with my own energy and
letting that be on the front burner is really really
hard for me. But I know that when people can
do that, you can affect the room around you, like
I would bet that you might even have a better

(01:02:38):
show because not just because you've been grounded and maybe
performed better, but because you've influenced to the audience to
not and you've not come on stage with like anxiety. Yeah,
absolutely not reacting to other people's reactions. It's you. The
idea is to be remained steadfast and unflappable. So try
that and report back, Christen. I expect a full report back.
I'm going to write in. I'm going to call in

(01:03:00):
thank you for being with us today. I love and
adore you. Please say hi to your lover for me
to our lover, because he told me that he I
was one of his cheat cheets. Potentially if you collects,
so go for it too much for I couldn't handle
that kind of condependency. I'd like, No, I already have
what to deal with. But I love you. I hope
you have a great day. Thanks for being with us

(01:03:21):
on the podcast. Thank you love you too. Bye bye bye.
And if you'd like to get advice from Chelsea and
one of her guests, please write into Dear Chelsea Project
at gmail dot com,