Home Births and Past Lives with Lily Rabe

Actress Lily Rabe joins Chelsea to talk about the perks of being a stepmom, why hippie healthcare is her vibe,  and her directorial debut, Downtown Owl.  Then: A business owner gets conned by an ex. A twenty-something wonders if she should follow a boy to his home country.  And a mom wrestles with asking her kids’ dad to give up his parental rights, so she can make their house a home.

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Executive Producer Catherine Law

Edited & Engineered by Brad Dickert

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hi, Catherine, Hi Chelsea, how are you.

Speaker 2 (00:02):
Oh, we're just packing up, getting ready for summer. My
house is a it's always every day I come home,
there's the furniture from the living room has been put
into the library. The furniture in the library is being
put in the dining room. Everyone's just testing out different
areas for different pieces.

Speaker 3 (00:16):
So it's a moving puzzle piece, right, thing is a moving.

Speaker 1 (00:19):
Are you in the design pace?

Speaker 2 (00:21):
Yeah, we are designing. Yes, the house is erect it
has been erected. We're not done. No, we're still not done.
It will never be done, but we are closing the
gap between now and done. And then I had a
conversation with my cousin Molly yesterday. I was trying to
figure out whether or not to bring Doug to my
Orca for the month of June, because I'm going to
Myorca and I want him to come to my Orca.

(00:41):
But that's selfish because it's not going to be so
hot there in June. But there's not a lot of
grassy areas, so like every morning I have to take
him down to the end of the thing and find
this dog park, and he's going to be in a
new in that house, he's getting pee.

Speaker 1 (00:56):
I was gonna say, how much dog pee do you
want in your house?

Speaker 2 (00:59):
That's the new house, isn't It's all travertine, so it's okay,
it's not carpeting. Yeah, but I don't really want to
clean up dog piss because boys.

Speaker 1 (01:08):
Also it's like not just on the flat surface.

Speaker 3 (01:11):
And yeah, yeah, I know.

Speaker 2 (01:12):
And he's also a lunatic, so I have to bring
him on a plane, Like, I don't think I can
do that yet until you get trained. But you can
hear me talking about you can't you. He's in the
office right now with his big fat lions Maine.

Speaker 1 (01:25):
That's right, you know, he's just perfect.

Speaker 3 (01:27):
Actually, So what's it like to fly with a dog
that's dog sized?

Speaker 1 (01:30):
You have to buy him his own seat or something.

Speaker 2 (01:32):
Yeah, I would buy a ticket and we take like
a honeymoon pot over together, which I'm totally down to do,
but obviously, because but I just think it's I just
think it's going to be a disaster.

Speaker 3 (01:41):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (01:42):
Plus everyone's going to be all fucked up all the time,
and then people where's dog? And I lose him and then.

Speaker 1 (01:48):
Yeah, maybe he's an LA dog.

Speaker 3 (01:49):
Yeah, he's a La boy La and whistler. He loves whistler. Oh,
I'll bet so.

Speaker 1 (01:53):
He saw you posted that. He likes to sleep on
the patio just because it's like nice and cool.

Speaker 3 (01:58):
That's cool.

Speaker 2 (01:59):
He comes in Sometimes it rains outside, her drizzles and
he comes in and he's all wet in the morning
because he comes in the morning in the bed to
say hello, and then he gets into the bed until
I let him go outside.

Speaker 1 (02:07):
He probably can't even like feel the wetness because he's
just like, he's so.

Speaker 3 (02:09):
Beautiful it does. Everything he does is excusable because of
his good looks.

Speaker 2 (02:13):
I understand now you know why men get away with
murder because he's a beautiful man and he can do
no wrong. I took him for a walk yesterday and
it was like taking a kangaroo for a walk. I mean,
he is such a lunatic. I have to carry treats
everywhere I go because that's the only way he comes.
It's the worst. I have never had a trained dog,
and now they're going to train him when I'm in Majorca.

(02:34):
But great, we'll see how that works out. I haven't
had much success in the past.

Speaker 1 (02:38):
Yeah, he's very smart, though, I feel like he'll pick
it up.

Speaker 3 (02:41):
Is he smart?

Speaker 1 (02:42):
I don't know yet, just dumb and beautiful.

Speaker 2 (02:44):
Okay, So our guest today is an actress. Her directorial
debut is called Downtown Owl is streaming now, and you
can catch her in the upcoming The Great lilyan Hap
Please welcome Lily Rabe.

Speaker 3 (02:56):
She was my favorite in Love and Death. It was
so fun. I was on Jimmy Fallon and Robert de Niro.

Speaker 2 (03:02):
It was a tenth anniversary, So Robert de Niro, They're like,
would you mind being a second guest?

Speaker 3 (03:06):
And I was like, why they go? Because it's a
tenth in year anniversary and it's Robert de Niro, He's
the first guest.

Speaker 2 (03:10):
I go, of course, of course, And then I thought, god,
you know, I really am sexually attracted to Robert de Niro.

Speaker 3 (03:15):
Like I was like, fuck, I don't even want to
be in the scene.

Speaker 2 (03:17):
I've already made advances towards him publicly, like at the Critics'
Choice Awards, I talked about how I wanted to, I think,
sit on his face or something. I don't think I
said it that way, but that's what I was thinking.
And then and so I don't want him to see me.

Speaker 3 (03:29):
You know what I mean. I don't want him to
have to deal with me.

Speaker 2 (03:34):
I just want to say I said to them last night,
I go, please let me know when he's left the
building and then I'll leave. And they're like, he's still here.
He watched your whole segment. Would you like to meet him?
I go, no, thank you, I'd like to go to
dinner now. Anyway, we're here with Lily Ray. But which
There's been a lot of back and forth about how
we pronounce your last name because it's spelled r abe.

Speaker 3 (03:53):
What kind of name is rape?

Speaker 1 (03:55):
It's German.

Speaker 2 (03:56):
Oh I'm German too, Yeah, spreckensy Deutsch. No spreckency Deutsche.
I don't sprekanzy Deutsch either, so don't worry. Okay, So
it's a German name.

Speaker 1 (04:04):
I think it might mean raven or something.

Speaker 4 (04:06):
But yeah, anyway, rab maybe okay, but not like the broccoli.
But then I like, it's the silent e or my
as my kids now are they say it's the magic E.
When I learned it was silenty Now it's magic e.
But like babe, Rabe, babe, babe babe.

Speaker 3 (04:23):
Okay, so I didn't know you came from like a
Hollywood family.

Speaker 1 (04:27):
I can't.

Speaker 2 (04:28):
I mean, your mom's a famous actress Jill Klayburg, right,
I had no idea, So.

Speaker 1 (04:32):
I take that as a compliment.

Speaker 2 (04:33):
Yeah, I mean, I mean, is that was that something
that you had to struggle with, like with your career
and stuff, kind of creating your own identity and individuating.

Speaker 4 (04:41):
I think yes, but more emotionally because I had like
the most wonderful parents and she was amazing at kind
of separating and she really stopped working for a big chunk.
So I had like mom and then sometimes people would
come up to around the street. But it wasn't like
we weren't like in Hollywood. We weren't living in la
We were like in the country.

Speaker 3 (05:02):
It's not like your mom was j low is what
you're saying.

Speaker 1 (05:04):
It's also not like that.

Speaker 3 (05:05):
Yeah, very similar.

Speaker 4 (05:07):
We were in a place where it wasn't you know,
it's different living out here. It's like it was it's
like such a it's like a mining town or it's
it wasn't like that where we were, So there was
a lot of separation. But yeah, I was like I
danced and I was a writer, and I was like
finding all these other ways my dad's a writer too,
But I was like, you know, how can I have

(05:27):
my own way towards this thing that ultimately felt kind
of like where I was headed the whole time.

Speaker 2 (05:33):
But I want to talk about this show that I
didn't discover you on that show I've seen you in.
I saw you on an American horror story, and then
Love and Death. I saw you on the series Love
and Death, which was such a phenomenal performance that I
watched it twice, not just with you, Elizabeth Olson. I
was blown away by every part of that and Jesse Plemens, Yes,

(05:56):
your performance was just so.

Speaker 3 (05:58):
This was a story that.

Speaker 2 (05:59):
Was based on on a true story about a woman
about an affair, and then about the woman whose husband
was cheating finding out about the fair, and then there
being a fight between the two women and somebody dying
one of them murdered the other woman and her being
on trial, and it was she was basically let off
right found not guilty for temporary insanity, which I always

(06:22):
have a real problem getting my mind around temporary insanity,
because okay, so if I lose my shit and a
lunch because someone pisses me.

Speaker 3 (06:31):
Off and I stabbed someone and they die.

Speaker 4 (06:34):
You didn't stab them once. I mean, it was just
so many, so many hits. It's like an unbelievable so
it doesn't feel very temporary.

Speaker 2 (06:44):
It's not temporary at all. I just can't believe that's
a real thing. It's it's like, even if you lose
your mind for ten minutes, that's not an excuse.

Speaker 3 (06:53):
You fucking did it. You still did it.

Speaker 1 (06:55):
I agree with you.

Speaker 3 (06:56):
Yeah, But what I.

Speaker 2 (06:57):
Recognized about you in that show is, Hey, you're sole
because I've seen you in so many different things, and
you have one of these very interesting faces where you're
always like, I know who that is, but I don't
know who that is, and you're like, I think that's
such an advantage as an actor.

Speaker 3 (07:11):
It's not.

Speaker 2 (07:12):
I don't think it is an advantage of an actor,
because you can be so mercurial or you can be
not mercurial.

Speaker 3 (07:18):
What's a shape shifter like a chameleon? Yeah?

Speaker 5 (07:20):
Right?

Speaker 3 (07:21):
Do you feel that way about yourself?

Speaker 4 (07:23):
I mean it's hard to talk about myself, but I
can say that in the actors that I love watching
the most, those are the faces that I am sort
of like the most attracted to as a viewer. I
love when a face kind of surprises me all the time.
That's such a high compliment, And like Julianne Moore is
like that, she's just and you never and you're constantly

(07:45):
surprised by her.

Speaker 3 (07:46):
Yeah, she's in her character every step of the life.

Speaker 4 (07:49):
She's a character actress who plays leading ladies, and to me,
that's like the most wonderful thing to be. But you're
really approaching like everything through character, and she's a great
example of that. I think Nicole ca Men too, who's
like definitely one of the most beautiful women on the planet.
But I still feel every time I watch her, Yes,
I'm just watching this absolutely new, surprising creation.

Speaker 2 (08:12):
Yeah, she's like that too, you get It's funny. I
once saw I was watching Meryl Streep in this I
forget which movie it was, and I saw her do
this thing that only Meryl Streep does, but she was
in character, and I got so upset because I was like, wait,
you just revealed that you're Meryl Streep. She does this
thing where she like scratches or touches her nose. It
was some gesticulation, and I remember being so upset with her,

(08:33):
and then I was like, you can't be upset with
Meryl streep stup it like she's a gift to all
of us, you know, the gift that keeps on giving.
Talk about somebody who like cannot every time that woman
does anything. She should be nominated just by being around
for this long and being so revered.

Speaker 3 (08:48):
But I did see that you're directing your very first project.
This is your directorial debut.

Speaker 4 (08:52):
Yes, co directorial debut with my life partner, baby Daddy.

Speaker 3 (08:57):
Baby Daddy.

Speaker 1 (08:58):
Yeah.

Speaker 4 (08:59):
Also we've worked together a lot and then we directed
this movie together. I was in it, he's in it
very briefly. I was in it a lot.

Speaker 3 (09:05):
It's called Downtown Owl.

Speaker 1 (09:06):
Yes.

Speaker 3 (09:07):
And where is it streaming?

Speaker 4 (09:08):
It's on Apple and Amazon. And there's one other one
that I'm forgetting.

Speaker 2 (09:12):
Oh, I didn't know that you could do that. You
could put it on multiple It is on multiple We
have to buy it. Oh okay, Oh I rent I
see I see rent it? Okay, buy it?

Speaker 1 (09:20):
Don't rent it by yea, buy it?

Speaker 3 (09:21):
Okay, buy it everybody.

Speaker 4 (09:24):
But it was adapted. We I optioned this Chuck Closterman
book many years ago. I had done the audio book
when I was like doing a lot of Feeder and
wanted to make a little extra money. I asked my
agents how I could do that, and they said, well,
audiobooks are you know?

Speaker 1 (09:39):
Some people love them, hate them. I like loved doing them.

Speaker 3 (09:42):
Mind you doing my audio book?

Speaker 6 (09:44):
Oh?

Speaker 3 (09:44):
I can hate recording audio.

Speaker 1 (09:45):
Really.

Speaker 2 (09:46):
I just don't like being in that booth for that
many hours. But you just said you love it, right,
I do.

Speaker 3 (09:50):
I love that.

Speaker 1 (09:51):
I don't know. I love being alone. I being alone
feels very I mean, I.

Speaker 4 (09:57):
Know there's someone there, but they're Yeah, but your children aren't,
no one.

Speaker 3 (10:01):
How many children do you have? Three?

Speaker 1 (10:02):
I have, well four, I have three?

Speaker 3 (10:04):
Uh, you have another one on your I have three.

Speaker 4 (10:07):
Out of my body. I've step daughter too. Oh, yes,
I love her. I love being a step mom too.

Speaker 3 (10:11):
Four is a great number for children.

Speaker 1 (10:13):
It's great.

Speaker 3 (10:14):
I'm from six. I like that.

Speaker 2 (10:15):
I like anything above three. Yeah, three, four or five six.
I just think it's it just is so joyful when
you have that many kids.

Speaker 4 (10:21):
You know, I camber the parents just outnumber them, my
parents anything.

Speaker 1 (10:26):
It's great.

Speaker 4 (10:26):
It's just like beautiful chaos all the time, and everything
happens so quickly, and I don't know, I love it.
But anyway, we directed this movie together and my my
latest and I'll say probably last baby was because Hamish
did say recently, like are my eldest?

Speaker 1 (10:46):
Asked for one more? And he was like, literally over
my dead body.

Speaker 3 (10:49):
So how old is your young?

Speaker 4 (10:53):
He loves he loves, he loves it too. Two. But
was three weeks old when we started shooting. Oh three
weeks wow, so you're bastfeeding.

Speaker 1 (11:00):
As breastfeating, I was bleeding.

Speaker 4 (11:01):
I mean it was like three weeks like basically he
was still coming out of my box, So you're bleeding.

Speaker 6 (11:06):
I was.

Speaker 3 (11:07):
He was like he was like women, the things that
women are capable of.

Speaker 1 (11:13):
Yeah, yeah, because three weeks and he was big.

Speaker 4 (11:15):
But it was I had him at home and I
was like on a zoom meeting like I think eight
hours later or something doing remote h wow, location scouting.

Speaker 2 (11:24):
Now when you have three babies, yeah, through your Pikachu,
are you is it not a big deal like once
you've been down the road or is it scarier because you.

Speaker 3 (11:33):
Know what's coming?

Speaker 1 (11:34):
I mean my vagina like like like a bird, you
said birthing at home.

Speaker 2 (11:38):
I'm not actually talking to your vagina, but I'm talking
about your vagina. Like you said you had the baby
at home, so there's a level of confidence that comes
with that to be able to birth at home or
say declare that you're going to do that.

Speaker 4 (11:49):
Yeah. Yeah, And each I had, like my first labor
was crazed, like forty five hours. The second one was
like twenty Like they just it just kept have having
so it was like forty five, I have twenty two
and then like eleven eleven or ten or twelve or something,
which felt to someone and they're like, that's so long.
I had my baby in two hours, But to me

(12:10):
that was like pretty fast.

Speaker 3 (12:12):
And how were those experiences for you?

Speaker 4 (12:14):
I've gosh, you know, it's like I'm not a person
who I had this amazing doctor who really he matched
my personality so well because he is like half hippie,
half total neurotic.

Speaker 1 (12:30):
Which I think I am.

Speaker 4 (12:32):
M So he would have like I could be in
the bathtub and we're all at home and the kids
are there, and he like showed up to my house
with like a paper bag of like a couple of tools.
But I also knew that he would he would like
call me always the next day and be like I
left it there. I have a video of Hamish like
giving him directions while I'm screaming in labor in the

(12:54):
background to my house for like the fortieth time that
I'll treasure forever. He's like, oh, you've we've passed the
girls know you've gone too far. But I also I
knew that he was not going to push it, like
we would go to the hospital if we needed to.

Speaker 3 (13:08):
I'm always just amazed. But anyone says like home delivery,
I'm always like, what do you know that? I don't know?
That sounds so scary, Like I want to many.

Speaker 2 (13:17):
Not that I'm having a baby obviously, but if I
had one, I would want as many doctors medical professionals
as possible, which.

Speaker 4 (13:24):
I completely understand. I just yeah, I loved. I loved
being at home, but not like I loved. I mean,
it's it hurts so much.

Speaker 3 (13:34):
I'm not like, and then I you know, and you're
having a natural birth. Yeah it hurts. You're having a
natural childbirth at home?

Speaker 2 (13:40):
Yeah?

Speaker 1 (13:40):
Oh yeah, I mean the whole thing.

Speaker 2 (13:42):
Yeah, no, there's nothing and the kids are they there
when you're sitting there in contractions and screaming your other kids?

Speaker 3 (13:47):
Or do you how does that work?

Speaker 6 (13:48):
Yeah?

Speaker 4 (13:48):
You know it went on for so long, like we
blacked out all the way. I was like, I can't
know if the sun is rising or setting at this
point because this is never going to end. But yeah,
they would come in, like with the last one they
were they were there, particularly my eldest was my stepdaughter.

Speaker 7 (14:03):
No.

Speaker 4 (14:03):
She was like, you guys can give me a call
on the babies out, I'm going to my mom's. But
one of them like slept through so much screaming it
was unbelievable and sort of like right when the baby
came out like came in.

Speaker 1 (14:15):
I don't know.

Speaker 4 (14:16):
They must have some sense of like those screams and
noises because they're so close to them that they know
the difference between like she's not actually yeah, dying or
something in a way that maybe even adults don't know.
It feels like cosmic in that way a little bit,
because they like whatever they they've been through it.

Speaker 1 (14:38):
And they're nearer to it. Right. Yeah, yeah that rings
a bell.

Speaker 3 (14:41):
That's interesting. But that's an interesting way to look.

Speaker 1 (14:44):
At it, right, because like if a neighbor hurts, right,
they would.

Speaker 3 (14:48):
Be like, Okay, what's going on over there?

Speaker 4 (14:50):
Absolutely, and Hamah should always like very He was always like, well,
she's gone into the Gorillas in the mist.

Speaker 6 (14:55):
Z which.

Speaker 2 (14:58):
Gorillas in the mist is always a good Okay, So
how was the experience directing Downtown Owl. You were telling
me about the book, Tell me a little bit more
about it. What's the story?

Speaker 1 (15:06):
I was easier than child, No, no, it was. It
was hard.

Speaker 4 (15:11):
But anyway, So it's eighties, middle of nowhere, tiny, tiny
little town. Everyone knows everything, and this woman comes in
to sort of temporarily teach there. We don't really know
if she's running away from something, what she's doing there.
During the course of it, she has her students, she
meets Ed Harris's character and the who so.

Speaker 3 (15:28):
Thet I love Ed Harris. He's another older man that
I'm attracted to.

Speaker 1 (15:33):
Well, you know, you see is is it Ed Harris?
The old Ed Harris the beautiful in the movie?

Speaker 3 (15:40):
You see his butt?

Speaker 2 (15:41):
Oh okay, I've been attracted to Ed Harris for a
long time, along with Robert, along with Robert de Niro.
Older men are my that is my media.

Speaker 1 (15:51):
But Ed is like, that's the most beautiful face.

Speaker 3 (15:53):
He's got the best dimples and his eyes. Yes, and
he's so sweet, oh yeah, yeah, And.

Speaker 1 (15:59):
He's the greatest factory is a legend is.

Speaker 3 (16:01):
He single, no, no, and a long time. That's the greatest. Yeah,
I would imagine that to be true.

Speaker 4 (16:07):
And then during the course of the film, she sort
of falls in love with this town and I think
is kind of confronted with her life where she's at,
what she actually wants, what she's missing. And then there
is a big snowstorm that comes and what's the town
out based on an actual storm that did happen.

Speaker 3 (16:25):
In North Dakota.

Speaker 1 (16:26):
Yeah, this is like.

Speaker 3 (16:28):
Dakota.

Speaker 2 (16:29):
It's too cold up there, and I like Canada's, but
North Dakota something is happening.

Speaker 3 (16:34):
There's like a vortex of cold cold.

Speaker 4 (16:36):
We shot in Minnesota and it was cold cold, and
we had to we needed it to be cold because
we had to sort of beat like the We couldn't
have blossoms on the trees, so we needed to be freezing.

Speaker 3 (16:47):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (16:48):
Well, I'm sure it's going to be an incredible performance
and I will be renting it. It's available now, right,
it's available now, it's available now. Okay, I'll be renting
it tonight via Apple or Amazon.

Speaker 1 (16:57):
Thanks.

Speaker 3 (16:58):
Okay, So that's one project that you have. The other
project is The Great Lilian Hall.

Speaker 4 (17:03):
So tell us about how much just this is all
like very new news because I think they just announced
that it's that you're going to be starring in that
that it's going to be on HBO soon at May
thirty first, And that was with Jessica Lang and Kathy Bates.

Speaker 1 (17:17):
I play her daughter.

Speaker 2 (17:18):
Okay, let's just back up about Jessica Lang and Kathy
Bates too. I mean, you're working with legends, thanks Ed Harris,
Jessica Lang, Kathy Bates. I know, I'm working with Robert
de Niro.

Speaker 7 (17:30):
You are.

Speaker 4 (17:31):
And they have the best stories too, Like there's nothing
you know, I just gosh, they really because you The
stories are so romantic about how movies used to be made,
so I just like to bask in those stories. But yes,
I played Jessica's daughter, and I loved her so much.
I love Kathy so much. It was really a wonderful shoot.

Speaker 3 (17:50):
Yeah, I've hung out with Kathy Bates. I had a
couple of drinks with her. She's a lot of fun,
so much fun. She's exactly what you would imagine, right,
so much fun just from Sayer and all of her roles.

Speaker 2 (17:59):
I love when people exactly how you picture them. I
mean you know, sometimes you meet somebody and you're like,
I wish.

Speaker 3 (18:04):
I hadn't met that person.

Speaker 2 (18:05):
That was a disappointment, or but they when they live
up to your expectations, it's really like joyful.

Speaker 1 (18:11):
Yeah.

Speaker 3 (18:11):
Now with your experience as a mother, right, how old
is your oldest.

Speaker 1 (18:15):
So seven turning four and two three and.

Speaker 3 (18:19):
A half two, so little ones? And your stepdaughter's how old?
Seventeen seventeen.

Speaker 2 (18:23):
So I've had a lot of relationships that have had children,
and I love that dynamic, Like I love to step
into that role, like I less pressure, you know, more,
more reward almost you know what I mean. You have
to do not less of the work once you're married
to them. Obviously it's an equal amount of work that
you are. You know, you have another kid. But talk

(18:45):
to me about acclimating into that role. Like of becoming
a stepmother.

Speaker 4 (18:49):
I had that my mother was a stepmother to my
older brother. I have a younger full brother and an
older half brother, and my older brother lived with us mostly.
Of course I didn't realize at the time, but then
becoming a stepmother and had I had lost my mother
by that point. But it was this amazing gift because
it just all made sense to me. It felt really
natural and sort of like, oh, this is something I'm

(19:13):
supposed to do because I don't really have a lot
of stepmother friends I've realized, but I kind of communicate
in the way that one does with my mother about
the experience even though she's not around, Like I'm constantly
reflecting or being getting these hits of like times that
she was a stepmother, which was all the time basically,

(19:33):
so I love it. I also it can be tough
because I'm the third vote, Like if there's a decision
to be made, I know I'll get like the third vote.
But I also get all the truth, Like I know
the truth about everything that's going on.

Speaker 3 (19:48):
Ah, right, right, I can relate to that as an aunt,
I get all the truth.

Speaker 2 (19:52):
Yeah, yes, yes, that's a very it's a very maternal
role to be in, right, even though it is it
is a maternal role, but that's where your maternal instinct
comes in, you know, with younger women, younger girls. For me,
I know, especially like I feel very very protective of
young women and helping them bloom, you know, helping them
with their confidence and like helping them come into their

(20:14):
own Like there's nothing better than like a sixteen seventeen
year old girl that's blossoming.

Speaker 3 (20:18):
My ex boyfriend had two girls.

Speaker 2 (20:19):
One of my ex boyfriends had two daughters, and I'm
so close still to one of them, and we broke
up like ten years ago.

Speaker 3 (20:25):
She's in her thirties now. Her name is Alessandra, and she's.

Speaker 2 (20:27):
My baby, like she is my baby, Like I don't
look at her as a friend or as a younger sister.

Speaker 3 (20:33):
I look at her as my stepdaughter, you know.

Speaker 2 (20:35):
And I don't know why that lens helps me to
like prioritize her, But just because she is like that,
she has a special position in my life that nobody
else has.

Speaker 1 (20:44):
No so lucky to have you.

Speaker 4 (20:45):
It's like it's a really wonderful dynamic. I'm so grateful
for it.

Speaker 3 (20:50):
How did you meet your husband?

Speaker 4 (20:51):
Well, I met him because he had worked with my mom. Actually,
but I met him, he said, I was like texting
the whole time, like we just met and didn't get
to know him. But he was like my mom's friend.
They loved each other, and they worked together twice actually.
But then however, many years later, like probably I don't know,
I want to say, like seven years after they had
done play together. We were cast opposite one another in

(21:14):
the Merchant of Venice.

Speaker 3 (21:15):
Which you were nominated for Tony four, right.

Speaker 4 (21:17):
Ultimately, like it started in the park with al Pacino,
then we transferred to Broadway. Hamish didn't come to Broadway,
David Harbor. Hamish went to make Battleship. David Harbor replaced him.
So it was like, you know, two great actors in
that role. And then we ran on Broadway for a
while doing Merchant of Venice. But that's how I got
to know Hamish. We weren't dating, but that's like and
then we did play after play after play together. So

(21:40):
we love working together, like that thing of don't bring
your work home, where like we just bring the work
all the time, and we love it and we keep
wanting to do more and more together. So and it's
funny like life. We create jobs to do together and
we go to you know, we pitch things and we're
developed things. But then like we get cast opposite one

(22:02):
another just randomly from the outside world a lot.

Speaker 3 (22:06):
Hmm. That's interesting. Are you into past lives and all
that stuff? Regression a little bit? Ya, Do you think
that you guys have had lives together? Have you looked
into that. Yeah, that's interesting.

Speaker 2 (22:16):
I'm just starting to believe it because the stories you
hear are just like, they're just ridiculous, you know, not
even that book Many Lives, Many Masters is a book
we've mentioned a lot, which everyone I'm sure you've read,
but beyond that, like the stories that I hear about
past life regressionists, I'm like, oh god, I just really
don't want to fucking come back again.

Speaker 3 (22:33):
So I'm trying to make this the last visit.

Speaker 2 (22:36):
You know, every time I hear someone tell a story,
I'm like, oh no, oh no, I'm going to be
born somewhere in some country that I don't want.

Speaker 3 (22:42):
To be in, and it's going to be a struggle
because this is the one.

Speaker 7 (22:46):
Well.

Speaker 2 (22:46):
Yeah, so I talk to a guy and he goes,
if you want this to be your last life, you've
got to double down on your spirituality, like double down
and get as spiritual as possible.

Speaker 3 (22:54):
And I was like, all right, I'm already I'm on
that road, and I'll take it more seriously.

Speaker 1 (22:58):
So it makes sense be a good last one, like
you're really going out with a bang.

Speaker 3 (23:02):
So I'm a I'm so so grateful for this life.
I'm so happy. I just want to go to sleep now.
I mean not now, but when this is over, I
want to go to sleep peacefully.

Speaker 1 (23:11):
Okay, she's just tired.

Speaker 3 (23:12):
And on that note, we'll take a break and we'll
be right back.

Speaker 1 (23:19):
This week.

Speaker 8 (23:19):
We'd love to get questions from anyone with parenting questions
or step parenting questions. We'd also like to hear from
any trans or non binary folks who would like advice
from Chelsea, whether that be about friendships, dating, work issues,
or anything else. Right into Dear Chelsea Podcast at gmail
dot com, and we're.

Speaker 2 (23:37):
Back with Lily Rabe, who is a delight and so talented.
I mean, I mean that's where you started. It was
the theater, right, I mean everybody knows you from that.
I mean you've been in so many plays and you
must just really love doing that.

Speaker 1 (23:49):
I really love it.

Speaker 4 (23:50):
I really miss it. It's been a long time since
I've done a play. I never thought I would be
away from the theater for this long.

Speaker 3 (23:56):
And what is it about it that you love?

Speaker 5 (23:58):
You know?

Speaker 4 (23:59):
It's like I love process so much. I hate being
done with things. I hate letting go of things, which
is a total blessing and curse. But with the theater,
when you're doing a play, you never you're just in
process the whole time. You never have to sort of
you know, you're never like moving on from the scene

(24:19):
or handing it over. You get to revisit it the
next night, the next night, the next night, and keep
trying things and have the experience of what it is
to say those words in front of a completely different
sea of people and have that relationship.

Speaker 3 (24:33):
And I love that.

Speaker 4 (24:35):
And then it's sad because when it's over, it's like
those sand sculptures, like it's just gone.

Speaker 3 (24:40):
So just an interesting metaphor for life, really.

Speaker 4 (24:43):
Yeah, rather than like and then I had it on
the other side editing this movie where I would be
looking at Ed Harris and I'm like, but I have
four takes that are like, they're all the greatest things
I've ever seen, and I have to choose one, and
you know which one it should be, and there's a
reason for it, and you're you know, the movie is
sort of talking to in the edit, and that was
such an amazing process.

Speaker 1 (25:01):
But I find that, you know, I like choosing the best.

Speaker 4 (25:05):
It's like, well, there is no the best, but then
the rest of them they have to disappear and at
least with the theater.

Speaker 1 (25:11):
You're like, well, I tried that, and I'll try this.

Speaker 2 (25:12):
I'll try something different. Yeoh yeah, Okay, Well, let's take
some callers.

Speaker 6 (25:16):
Catherine shout absolutely well. Our first question comes from Heather.
Heather says, should I change my son's name? Dear Chelsea,
I'm on a bit of a sticky wicket. I'm a
single mom by choice with a boyfriend who's been in
the picture since I was five or six months pregnant.
We dated before I decided to have a baby, broke up,

(25:37):
and he came back after finding out I was pregnant
thanks to Facebook. He's been a father to my son,
and an amazing one at that. He loves my son,
now three, more than anything and takes great pride in
his relationship and care of him. He's changed diapers, willingly,
picked him up when I got stuck at work, and
just been super attentive in a good way. The irony
is the part of the reason that we didn't work

(25:57):
out in round one is he wasn't sure he wanted kids.
Well apparently he did, and my son is equally in
love with my boyfriend.

Speaker 1 (26:04):
It's a really beautiful thing to watch. Here's the issue.
We were talking.

Speaker 6 (26:08):
Recently about the future, and he thought that if we
get married, we'd both change our last names to his Burger.
I thought he knew that my son and I would
keep my last name, which is Cook. I agonized over
what to name my son, and I really love his name.
I appreciate my boyfriend's feelings and that he would formally
adopt my son when we got married. Hyphenating isn't an

(26:28):
option Cook Burger, I mean, And while we're both Democrats,
I don't think he's.

Speaker 1 (26:33):
Quite progressive enough to take my name.

Speaker 6 (26:35):
I could tell that my boyfriend was hurt when I
said we'd be keeping my name, and I do want
to honor the father he's been to my son. But
the other part of me loves my son's name. It
feels a bit of haven't all the things I did solo,
like egg retrieval at thirty eight doctor's appointments, shots and
more painful shots appointments alone during COVID spending the money
earned me the right to decide his name. Like I said,

(26:56):
Sticky Wicket, curious for your take on this. It's new
territory for me and my family. Thank you, Heather.

Speaker 2 (27:01):
Well, first of all, you have no yes, keep the
name whatever you want the name to be. You did
this on your own without him. It's great that he's
back in the picture. It's great that he's an act
of father. That's wonderful. I couldn't be happier for you.
He can get over it.

Speaker 4 (27:16):
Now. I was gonna say, I'm not married technically, even
if we were, I wouldn't change my name. But my
kids have Hamish's last name because I wanted them to
have the same name as my stepdaughter. But Hamish has
his mother's name because he was the only child of
a single mother.

Speaker 2 (27:35):
So and I also think it's just all mixy and
MATCHI these days, it doesn't matter, like that's the least
of the worries, like I understand.

Speaker 3 (27:43):
But he could get over it. So that's that's the
end of that story.

Speaker 1 (27:46):
And it sounds like he's great and he will and
he will.

Speaker 2 (27:48):
Yeah, based on his based on his actions, it sounds
like he's going to be great at getting over it.

Speaker 7 (27:53):
All.

Speaker 6 (27:53):
Right, Well, there you go, Heather. Our first caller today
is Shannon. Kind of have this theme of what makes
a family. But Shannon says, Dear Chelsea. I'm a thirty
five year old mom in northern California. I've been with
the love of my life for about three years now.
I didn't know what was possible to be this happy
in a relationship.

Speaker 1 (28:11):
I have kids.

Speaker 6 (28:13):
I know like positive affirmations. Yeah, I have kids from
a previous relationship and he does not. Also, my tubes
are tied and I'm not interested in having any more children.
He's accepted this and sees my kids as his own.
They call him dad, and his relationship with them is beautiful.
My ex husband pays one thousand dollars a month in
state mandated child support, but that's where his involvement ends.

(28:34):
He makes zero effort to see them and hardly ever
even bothers to call. He didn't even call them on
the holidays this year. Thankfully, my kids now have my
boyfriend in their life. We plan to get married soon,
and he's mentioned wishing he could adopt them because I
know I'm unable to give him a chance to have
kids of his own. I would love to make the
adoption happen for him. My kids absolutely love him and
see him as their dad. They were only two and

(28:56):
three when I left their birth father. My question, do
I have the right to ask their birth father to
sign over his parental rights since he isn't involved in
their life anyway?

Speaker 1 (29:04):
Thanks Shannon, Hi, how are you?

Speaker 3 (29:07):
This is our special guest Lily Ray.

Speaker 6 (29:08):
Hi.

Speaker 2 (29:10):
I think that's a great idea. I think your situation
sounds awesome. First of all, congrats on everything. You have
great children, you've got a great partner, and you've got
an ex husband. Sounds like he probably will be relieved
to be relieved of any child sport. Does that stop
his child support once that happens?

Speaker 7 (29:28):
I think so.

Speaker 3 (29:29):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (29:31):
So I think you have every right to ask him. Absolutely.
Have the kids spent any time with him in recent years?

Speaker 5 (29:37):
He has never gone out of his way, Like maybe
six months ago, he lives about three hours away and
I was over there, so I called him and they
went over there for a little bit.

Speaker 3 (29:49):
I see, never gone out of his way to get
them or anything like that.

Speaker 2 (29:53):
Okay, Well, I mean it's a totally reasonable question for you,
a request actually for you to ask him.

Speaker 3 (30:00):
Anything wrong with that. I don't know what he's going
to say, obviously.

Speaker 5 (30:03):
Yeah, I think it might hurt his ego a bit, But.

Speaker 2 (30:07):
Well, yes, because he's a man and he has one
and it will hurt his ego. But you know, maybe
if you give him some time to think about it
and don't demand an answer right away, this will relieve
you of your child support payments.

Speaker 3 (30:18):
You know they're very close with him. I don't want
to offend you.

Speaker 2 (30:20):
I don't want to hurt your feelings, but if this
is something you're open to, this is something that's come
up in our conversations, and you know, we totally want
you in on this decision.

Speaker 3 (30:29):
Yeah, okay, you know, inclusivity.

Speaker 2 (30:31):
Bring him into the decision making, make him feel like
he's actually having a say in it.

Speaker 7 (30:36):
Yeah. And he has other kids now, so, like I
know he would love to spend his money on them.

Speaker 3 (30:43):
Great.

Speaker 2 (30:44):
Mention that too, Mention that too, Yeah, you know that
sounds like that that will work in your favor as well. Yeah.

Speaker 4 (30:50):
Yeah.

Speaker 6 (30:50):
And emphasizing what a healthy relationship your kids have with
your boyfriend and that I think that would be great. Chelsea,
is this do you think this is an email? Is
this a handwritten letter? What kind of communication.

Speaker 2 (31:01):
I'd like an email? I? No, No, I think emails
are nice. Are you comfortable writing that kind of email?
Or would you rather talk to him?

Speaker 7 (31:07):
No, I'd definitely rather be an email or a text message.

Speaker 3 (31:11):
I don't think a text message is right to give
up your children, but I think an email.

Speaker 2 (31:16):
Is more appropriate because you can make all of your
points and then wrap it up nicely, you know, like, again,
this is not my decision, it's up to you, but
this is what we're proposing, and this is what we'd
be willing to do and be very coddling to a
man whose ego is you know, a factor.

Speaker 5 (31:35):
True.

Speaker 2 (31:35):
Yes, I don't want to say manipulate, but sometimes you
have to manipulate men in order for them to think
it was their decision. And that's not the advice that
I would stand next to and be like, yes, I
say that, but you know what I'm talking about, so
just do it.

Speaker 7 (31:52):
Yeah, okay, Yeah.

Speaker 6 (31:54):
One last thing I would say is if he is
sort of upset about it at first, give it like
three to six months and come back to him again
again with the same like loving kindness and like we
thought this.

Speaker 1 (32:06):
Would be great for you.

Speaker 6 (32:07):
It's your decision, but it would help make our house
a home, right, Yeah, give him some time to process and.

Speaker 2 (32:13):
Make sure you accent the part about him being able
to do this now with his new children. He can
shift his focus and his money to them so that
they can create the same environment that you guys have
created in your home.

Speaker 3 (32:26):
Right, Okay, that's the kind of manipulation I'm talking about. Well,
good luck with that.

Speaker 1 (32:31):
Thank you, Shannon.

Speaker 3 (32:32):
Thank you, Shannon. Let us know how it goes. Yeah,
I well, thank you, Okay, bye bye, Lily.

Speaker 6 (32:39):
Do you have any thoughts on that as far as
making a house a home, incorporating family, maybe in a
less traditional way.

Speaker 1 (32:46):
Listen, I you know, I guess we sort of have.

Speaker 4 (32:49):
I have a very untraditional home in a way because
we're not married, but it doesn't.

Speaker 1 (32:54):
Are you not in a marriage? No, you're not.

Speaker 4 (32:57):
We're not married, but maybe we'll get married. We had
sort of like compelling reasons not to do it. Those
reasons are becoming less and less compelling, and now our
my eldest is asking about it. But then the other
day she was like, but why would you get married
or already married? And I was like, right, right, kind of,
I mean that's sort of how I feel. But I
think that this sort of I don't know how to

(33:17):
even define traditional. It's like, you know, he was raised
in a sort of theater commune. It was by a
single mother. I guess mine was slightly My parents were married,
but they were it was my dad's second marriage.

Speaker 1 (33:33):
We had my stepbrother living with us. They're artists, like
you know.

Speaker 2 (33:38):
I just feel like the definition of family values is
a moving is a moving definition, and for everybody, like
what we're told is traditional and correct isn't right for Everybody's.

Speaker 1 (33:51):
So personal and I think so often it's like, what
are you doing for other people?

Speaker 7 (33:54):
You know?

Speaker 4 (33:54):
Often I will just call him my husband just for yes,
to take of the other person. It doesn't I'm perfectly
fine to do it, but it's like I don't wanna.
I want the other person to feel comfortable because I
have had people say when I'm like, well, my boyfriend,
They're like, oh, what happened to the father?

Speaker 3 (34:11):
I'm like, no, the father, yeah yeah, so, but.

Speaker 4 (34:15):
I feel like so much of that or like you know,
when divorces go well, but then there's all this.

Speaker 1 (34:20):
I don't know.

Speaker 4 (34:21):
The way you have to take care of other people
is so much of it, and I don't it shouldn't
be like that. It should be you taking care of
your family and whatever that looks.

Speaker 2 (34:31):
Like I think that that applies what you're saying to
so many things with babies, with pregnancies, with your dating
wirth question.

Speaker 4 (34:39):
It's like when people I'm not like pro homeworth, it
was like, right, you're a doula, but I'm not.

Speaker 1 (34:44):
You know, It's it's I'm.

Speaker 4 (34:46):
Very kind of wary of when people say, well, this
is the way to do it, and yes, with pregnancy,
well this will happen. What do you mean this will happen?
This is what happened to you, this is what so yeah,
it's like it's just so personal and specific.

Speaker 2 (35:01):
And it's so nuanced for each person, Like every situation,
every pregnancy is different for every woman. Like you're saying
every marriage, every relationship, every dynamic between a child.

Speaker 3 (35:10):
It's like there is no blanket.

Speaker 2 (35:12):
Assessment that you can have, which is what tradition kind
of is, is a blanket assessment like you're gonna have
a husband, you're gonna have a dog, you're gonna have
two kids, and you're gonna be like, there's all this,
there's all this. It's like a box and the box
is made to be broken open by other people choosing
to do other things. And when people say like, you know,
when you show up with, oh, when are you guys

(35:33):
gonna get married?

Speaker 5 (35:34):
Like?

Speaker 3 (35:35):
Or when you get married, when are you gonna have
a baby? Like that's so rude to.

Speaker 1 (35:39):
Say, and they're like, when's the next tee.

Speaker 2 (35:43):
I've caught myself saying those stupid things to people because
I'm out of ideas, Like I've caught myself in going
why are you doing that? Why just don't say anything
instead of being like asking such a predictable question.

Speaker 6 (35:59):
Well, our next caller is a Levia, and she has
a very unpredictable situation.

Speaker 1 (36:04):
Olivia's fifty four. She lives in Canada. She says, Dear Chelsea,
here's the issue.

Speaker 6 (36:10):
I dated a man for six years and lived with
him for three until I was served at work with
a registered letter. Unbeknownst to me, he had stopped paying
our rent for fourteen months, and I'm on the lease.
I paid him and I paid the majority of our expenses,
thinking that he was paying rent. Once I found out
that he lied about this for fourteen months and we
owed over seventy thousand dollars, I moved out. Now I'm

(36:33):
learning he lied about almost everything, including being legally married.
Even though he was separated. The issue is we own
a business together. I have to work with a proven
liar and someone I don't trust. How do I cope
with my rage when I watch him interact with all
the same bs he used with me. The staff haven't
caught on yet, and I worry about the business because
he's incompetent. I can't afford to buy him out yet.

(36:56):
And I love my job, except that I work with
a con man. Any thoughts on how to cope with
this situation?

Speaker 1 (37:01):
Olivia?

Speaker 3 (37:02):
Ooh, hi Olivia.

Speaker 7 (37:05):
Hi.

Speaker 2 (37:06):
This is our special guest Lily Ray this year today.
Hi bhi, So wow, this sounds like a script from
a TV show or a movie. This is a terrible
predicament you found yourself in.

Speaker 7 (37:18):
It is, and I'm not getting paid for it, so
I wish it was a script.

Speaker 3 (37:21):
Well A, let's start with the good stuff.

Speaker 2 (37:23):
Kudos to you for getting the fuck out of that
house and not letting him manipulate you any further. That's
great strength, good moves, and you made strong decisions.

Speaker 3 (37:32):
So good for you for doing that.

Speaker 2 (37:34):
And I know that must have been really difficult to
find out all those things about him. Someone you trust
that is lying, So the status of the business. When
can you get away from him? And when is the
possibility of that happening?

Speaker 7 (37:47):
Never? Because we're fifty to fifty partners and he won't
buy me out because that's his only link to me.
And I don't have the money to buy him out.
So I just feel trapped and I have to see
him five days a week. He's in and out of
my office every hour. I cann't get away from him.

Speaker 2 (38:04):
Well, you have to, so you have to figure out
a way to get the money to buy him out.
Have you thought about a small business loan, like going
to your bank and actually getting a loan to buy
him out.

Speaker 7 (38:13):
I could, but I just bought a place because I
had to get away from him. And I've talked to
three people in my life that are possible investors. So
what I'm waiting for is maybe he will do like
pull a shotgun clause and then I'm out of there.
He would have to offer me the money. Then I
would have to come back with the money. So I'm
trying to tee up the money now so that if
that happens, I have it ready to go. I just

(38:35):
don't I can get alone because now that I've bought
a house, right, I don't have the equity.

Speaker 3 (38:39):
Well, you do have the equity because you bought a house.

Speaker 7 (38:42):
Yeah, there's not a lot of money into it yet, right,
So I don't know I could chuck you into a lite.

Speaker 3 (38:46):
I mean there's a legal argument for this also.

Speaker 2 (38:49):
I know that's costly as well to hire a lawyer,
but this is I do have Oh, okay, And what
is his take or her take on it.

Speaker 7 (38:56):
Well, he's saying that if he's not financially viable, that
would be one way of getting him out of the business,
right because I'm shouldering all the debt of the business.
Because he has no credit, he can't get a credit card.
So everything is put on my credit card until the
business can pay for it. Now, so I just put
a stop on my credit card. I've locked it, and
I said, supply credit card or we just don't have

(39:18):
the money.

Speaker 2 (39:19):
And also because of what he did with your money
already and that you were seventy thousand dollars in the hole,
like there is proof of that behavior, so there has
to be a legal argument for you to regain control
of the company, get him out, or get him to
buy you out.

Speaker 3 (39:33):
Well, you said that part isn't an option for him
to buy you out.

Speaker 7 (39:37):
I don't think he can come up with the money
to buy me out. I think that he's tapped out
all his sources, like he's used everybody in his life.
He's sixty six years old. Like he's not going to
find another sucker. I don't think.

Speaker 1 (39:48):
But oh, they can always find another sucker.

Speaker 2 (39:51):
The move, yeah, but the move is for you to
buy him out. The move is for you that you
need to get him out of your life completely. And
I think so there's a possible investor or you're saying
that might give you the money.

Speaker 7 (40:02):
Well, the people would be want to be partners with me.
That's where I'm looking at because if I had three partners,
and I have an accountant right now reviewing the books
to make sure the books are good because it was
his accountant.

Speaker 3 (40:14):
Yeah, first you got to find out if the books
are good. Oh yeah.

Speaker 4 (40:18):
And just I have a question in terms of just
like when you said he's coming into your office every hour,
why with work things or just to torture you.

Speaker 7 (40:27):
He's actually delusional. He thinks that we're gonna work on this,
things are going to get better. Just give me another chance.
It's like, no, are you kidding me?

Speaker 4 (40:34):
Can't you have some You have to have some boundaries
just in your workplace so that he's not coming in
because it's your office.

Speaker 1 (40:40):
He can't just come in all the time.

Speaker 4 (40:42):
I mean, just to sort of protect your state of
mind and your ability to do your job in the
in the time before this all gets sorted.

Speaker 7 (40:49):
He's like a small child. I lock my office door
and I have a window, and he'll do like, hi, knock,
knock high, like it's constant, right, So I'll open the door,
like what do you need? Uh, I just wanted to
see you know, like you know, did you read that email?
Like it's just like so like it's just my numbing right,
Like he's beyond And so the frustration for me is

(41:11):
I feel trapped, but I'm like the process has already started.
I have a lawyer, I have investors, teet up. Potentially
it's my mental health in going there every day and
being lied to every day and feeling harassed, and you know,
like normal people, you could say a boundary like don't
come in my office, only email me, don't call me.
I have to block him, Like I feel like he's

(41:33):
like a cloud over me. I just can't.

Speaker 3 (41:35):
He is and he is, he is a cloud over you.

Speaker 6 (41:39):
I want to jump in with something about boundaries, because
there's a very common, I think, misconception that like the
boundary you set is for the other person's action. So
you say, my boundary is that you can't do this,
But in reality, we can't actually control what another person
is doing. You can only really set the boundary for
what your behavior will be. And it sounds like you

(42:00):
need to extricate yourself in every small and large way
you can. So that means setting up a home office
so he can't be in your window waving at you.
You know, he's breaking up you know, a quote unquote boundary.
But that's like you're there in the office, and I
think anyway we can get you out of this in
small ways as well before you're out in a big way.

Speaker 1 (42:21):
Is something you need to take action on.

Speaker 7 (42:24):
Right Except it's hard for me to run the business
with stuff if I'm always from home, so I need
to be present. And the good thing is he's incompetence,
so he's not there a lot, like he's in and out.
He's there for you know, fifteen minutes, then he goes
for draw. I don't know what he does, but I
need to be there, and the boundaries that I've established
are as soon as I leave work, I block him.

(42:45):
And so what he does that night is you'll start
sending emails that are work related, and of course I
don't get any of those. So every day he has
to resetd things. But it doesn't seem to click with
him that there's a structure here. Right, So if I
didn't go to work, I'm going to miss a lot
of things that are going on the data day. Because
it's a client based business. I need to see these clients.

Speaker 3 (43:03):
Can he not come to work? It would it work
that way if he stayed away?

Speaker 7 (43:08):
Yeah, I would love that.

Speaker 3 (43:09):
Okay, Well, maybe you have.

Speaker 2 (43:10):
To get a third party involved, like a mediator of sorts.
You know, business partners do this all the time, and
you have a marriage history. If you get a third
party involved to create some more specific boundaries where he's
accountable not only to you, but to the third person. Like,
it's an unworkable situation and I can totally I totally
feel for you, but I know you're.

Speaker 3 (43:31):
Moving in the right direction.

Speaker 2 (43:33):
This is just the ugly murkiness until you get, you know,
until you get an investor, and if it's not this investor,
it'll be another one. But you've set everything in motion,
like you're looking out for yourself and your business, and
I have complete faith that it will work out for you.
But I would bring in another person, ye, whether it's
a business counselor or a marriage counsel. I mean, not

(43:53):
a marriage counselor you're not married, but a relationship I
think a business counselor to really set the tone with him.
Also that you guys are not together in a romantic relationship,
and these are the behaviors that you're not willing to
put up with. You don't want emails from him after
you leave work, you don't want him walking into your
office unannounced.

Speaker 3 (44:10):
He has to make appointments.

Speaker 2 (44:11):
I mean, you have to be very stringent with the
rules with someone like that, and make more rules than
you care about, because then he has more walls to climb,
you know what I mean, and he's going to be
more easily defeated, knowing there's not as many avenues to
get to you. But I would definitely bring in somebody
a professional, like a mediator, like a business yeah, like

(44:32):
a work counselor or like you know, like what a
couple's counselor would do, but for a work partner, like
business relationships, those kinds of things are all over the place,
you know, And then you're having a third party tell him,
so it's not just you and your history going back
and forth with each other and him trying to get
back to you or back with you, or you know whatever,
into into your your life, into you.

Speaker 3 (44:55):
But you were going to inside you. No, I wasn't
going to say that, but thank you for filling it
in for me.

Speaker 6 (45:00):
Have you sat down with him and asked him, like,
what's the number that would get you to go away?

Speaker 7 (45:05):
No, because I don't want to do that. I don't
want to start that up until I actually have the funds,
and I do want to do like this financial review
to know if the business is even viable, like should
I be buying a motor? Should I be bought out?

Speaker 3 (45:16):
Absolutely?

Speaker 7 (45:17):
Find that out right, So I don't want to start
like opening that kind of words without having my facts
and money lined up.

Speaker 2 (45:24):
Okay, well, you sound like you have your shit together,
So I would say, just keep doing what you're doing
and then do what we said okay, people like that
he can't be trusted around you alone.

Speaker 4 (45:35):
I was just going to say that you need you
need other people, like even if it's like you have
an assistant, just another body in the room at all
times when he's there, and then this third person will
come in and help. But it seems like being alone
with you is something that he knows how much it's
provoking you and how crazy making it is. And I'm
sure that's part of why he's continuing to do it.

(45:56):
So like to break up that dynamic.

Speaker 7 (45:58):
The problem is when I I'm alone with him, he's
constantly grabbing me and I'll say it and don't touch me,
and he's.

Speaker 4 (46:05):
Like, you know you like it, Like, oh you just
you got to have another un Well, that's that's harassment
in the workplace.

Speaker 3 (46:12):
Yeah, so that's it.

Speaker 7 (46:13):
Yeah to me, like like his aggressive tendencies with me,
like grabbing me and saying like, don't worry about it,
you know you like it. You know we're going to
get back together. It's like I start off my day
every way like I'm not going to react to this.
I'm going to stay calm, and then usually by two
o'clock I'm ready to fucking throttle him, and then I'm
telling him how much I hate him, and then I

(46:34):
feel like, oh, this is really good for the whole
like staff vibe, right.

Speaker 2 (46:38):
Yeah, right exactly. I would really try to get he's
got to not be at work. I know he's really
not gonna. I mean, you're gonna have to figure out
a system where he's not coming in as frequently as
he is. And that's a boundary you're going to have
to set as a part business owner.

Speaker 7 (46:57):
I did ask him, I said, do you want to
split days? Like I'm work Monday Wednesday Friday, you work
Tuesday Thursday, for example, we don't have to both be here.

Speaker 1 (47:04):
Well, no, he doesn't want to do that because then
he doesn't have access to you.

Speaker 3 (47:07):
Right, But don't ask him.

Speaker 2 (47:09):
You have to kind of state that this is the
new mandate because he doesn't seem to respect the fact
that you are not together anymore and that you're a
business owner, and he's not being professional, and he's proven
himself to be untrustworthy. So these are all things that
you need somebody else to be in the room as
a witness so that there is actual like consequence, you
know what I mean, So that there's accountability, and.

Speaker 7 (47:30):
Then what's the accountability, Like, you know what I mean,
if he continues to act like this, then what happens nothing?
He's still an owner.

Speaker 2 (47:36):
Well, I mean, there's an accountability in the terms of
the three party. That's the first step. And you're right,
he still is an owner until you figure out the situation.
But you can't keep operating the way you're You can't
just keep rebuffing his advances. You don't. That's not acceptable.
He's sixty six years old and he needs to hear
from he's married.

Speaker 1 (47:53):
I mean, it's like it's irrelevant. He couldn't do that.

Speaker 4 (47:55):
He's not He can't do that with anyone in the office.
He can't do that right right, And there are are
protections in places.

Speaker 3 (48:01):
Yes, and he needs to be aware of all of
those protections.

Speaker 2 (48:04):
And that's why you want someone who is very familiar
with workforce laws and like parameters and everything to be
the person that you go to to be like, just
so you know, this is something you can get in
trouble for.

Speaker 3 (48:16):
Just so you know, I'm not interested in your advances.

Speaker 2 (48:18):
This is me telling you in front of a third person,
I am not interested, and I find them to be
an affront. You are sexually harassing me in the workplace.
Now we are not together like That's why it's always
important just to have another person involved, like a witness,
and just start there and see if that affects his
behavior at all. It might take a couple of weeks,
but if you make a weekly appointment with someone, he

(48:40):
becomes accountable to that person, and he's going to be
less interested, less and less interested.

Speaker 3 (48:44):
In coming to the workplace if he knows he has
to deal with that person.

Speaker 7 (48:48):
Okay, it's worth a shot.

Speaker 3 (48:49):
All right. Well, I don't envy your situation, but I
think that you're going to see your way out of it.

Speaker 7 (48:54):
Yeah, okay, well, thank you, thanks for giving me that place.

Speaker 2 (48:56):
Yeah, and good for you for getting the fuck out
of that relationship. And now you'll get out of this one.

Speaker 7 (49:01):
Oh totally, yeah, one of us will.

Speaker 3 (49:03):
Yeah, absolutely, all right, godspeed.

Speaker 7 (49:06):
Thank you, Lily.

Speaker 3 (49:07):
Why do you keep moving away from me? Yeah? You
did it again?

Speaker 1 (49:11):
Oh wait, no, I yeah, you can move your mic
Yeah there I go.

Speaker 2 (49:14):
You were going back to your microphone. Oh okay, okay.
I'm like, God, is it my breath? Is it my body?

Speaker 1 (49:20):
I love being I'm very you know you get clothes.

Speaker 2 (49:24):
Another reminder to all listeners not to go into business
with your partner.

Speaker 3 (49:28):
Oh sorry, Lily's here. Ja'son business with her partner. Watch
I fall in love and start a business with my
partner in about six months. Anytime I say something and
I declare something, I do the opposite.

Speaker 1 (49:42):
Well, let's take a break and I have a really
cute one to wrap up with.

Speaker 3 (49:44):
Okay, great, we're going to take a break and we'll
all be back with Lily Rape. And we're back with Lily.

Speaker 1 (49:54):
Hi, We're back. Our last question comes from Waverley.

Speaker 6 (49:57):
She is twenty four Chelsea. I met a boy over
the summer who was passing through my city before he
went on a month long trip. We instantly hit it off,
but I was convinced i'd never see him again as
he doesn't live here. He ended up stopping back in
my city again on his way home one month later
and stayed with me for twenty four hours. I was
then again convinced that I wouldn't see him again. Long

(50:19):
story short. We kept talking and calling every day and
I ended up traveling across the world to see him.

Speaker 3 (50:24):
For five days to start a business together. He is
now coming back to.

Speaker 6 (50:29):
Stay with me for two weeks next month, and we've
decided to be exclusive and long distance date in the meantime,
and then revisit next steps when we're back in person again.
All in all, we've technically known each other for about
five months now. I've been doing with the idea of
moving to his city if this next trip goes well,
but I can't decide when it's too early to seriously
think about that. I'm only twenty four and i've been

(50:50):
wanting a change, so it's kind of perfect timing, and
I really liked where he lives.

Speaker 1 (50:53):
I'm just worried about being that.

Speaker 6 (50:55):
Girl who moved for her boyfriend and relies on him
for everything, and also being so far from my friends
and family if this doesn't work out. But honestly, I
could see myself marrying him years from now because I'm
basically still a child and he feels the exact same way.
He's a really, really good guy and everything feels right
with him. But is this insane of me? I kept
all of the cities vague because I think my sister

(51:15):
listens to this podcast and she would seriously think I'm
nuts if she heard me ask this thank you in advance, Waverley.

Speaker 4 (51:21):
Really, Oh, I just think it has to be, you know,
worrying about what other people think is that's the ego.
It's just quiet those voices. It doesn't matter, and some
will think it no matter what you do. You're always
screwed with what will other people think.

Speaker 3 (51:38):
But if you.

Speaker 4 (51:40):
Feel excited about the place, if he were making a demand,
like the only way this relationship will work is if
you move here. But that's not at all what I'm hearing.
So if you're excited and that feels like invigorating and
a sort of chapter, it's not permanent necessarily, you're just
trying something and you're twenty four, and your twenty is the.

Speaker 3 (52:02):
Time to try something like that. Go for it, Go
move and fall madly, deeply in love, and if it
doesn't work out, that's okay. Then you'll move back home
and you'll have some and you'll have another lover.

Speaker 1 (52:12):
Like, just go for it.

Speaker 2 (52:14):
Yeah, if you're in love and you feel that way
about someone and you're that young, and you have nothing
keeping you there but your family and friends you can
still communicate with and visit, go for it.

Speaker 3 (52:24):
This is the only life we get.

Speaker 1 (52:25):
Make it count and that period of a relationship.

Speaker 9 (52:28):
Actually, this isn't the only life we get. We've been
talking about reincarnations maybe, but in this one, this could
be a great part of it, or this could be
your last life. But it's like that, it's so romantic.
It's so it is romantic.

Speaker 3 (52:41):
I love love too.

Speaker 9 (52:42):
I like that.

Speaker 3 (52:43):
I like like, you know, kind of impulsivity and love.
I'm for that.

Speaker 1 (52:47):
I love it.

Speaker 6 (52:48):
Yeah, this is basically exactly the story of how my
one of my best ties Sam met her husband Thomas,
and now they have lots of little Irish babies together.

Speaker 3 (52:54):
So it's very cute, pep perfect perfect, all right, Waverley
go go.

Speaker 2 (52:58):
Okay, Well, Lily, you have been on delight. It's such
a pleasure to meet you in person. Okay, So you
guys can see Downtown Owl. You can rent it and
like Apple, you can rent it on Amazon. And then
you can also catch Lily in upcoming the Great Lilian Hall,
and you'll just see her all over the place and

(53:19):
probably in theater again soon sure at some point.

Speaker 3 (53:22):
Thank you so much for being thank you for having me. Okay, Okay,
So upcoming shows that I have you guys, these are
the places.

Speaker 2 (53:30):
I'm coming in May Prior Lake, Minnesota, Verona, New York, Auckland,
New Zealand, Wellington, New Zealand, Melbourne, Australia, Brisbane and Australia, Sydney, Australia.

Speaker 3 (53:39):
We've added second shows to places that have sold out
the first and.

Speaker 2 (53:42):
Then I'm gonna be in Hawaii on Maui, Ka, Hulue
and Honolulu. I will be there in July. Also in July,
I'm coming to Niagara Falls on July twenty seventh. I'm
coming to Hollywood, Florida for my only show in Florida on.

Speaker 3 (53:55):
July twenty eighth.

Speaker 2 (53:56):
I'll be in Auburn, Washington on August first, and then
Santa Rosa, cal Fournia for my second show August second.

Speaker 3 (54:02):
And then I'm coming to Atlantic City.

Speaker 2 (54:04):
Mate o'laine and I are co headlining a really fun
show in Atlantic City this summer.

Speaker 3 (54:10):
August tenth August seventeenth is the Santa Barbara Bowl. You
do not want to miss that. And then I will
be all over Maine.

Speaker 2 (54:18):
Charlotte, North Carolina, Charleston, South Carolina.

Speaker 3 (54:21):
I'm coming to Texas. I'm coming to Saint Louis and
Kansas City.

Speaker 2 (54:24):
I'm coming to Brooklyn, New York at the Kings Theater
on November eighth, and I have tickets on sale throughout
the end of the year in December, so if you're
in a city like Philadelphia or Bethlehem, or San Diego
or New Orleans or Omaha, check Chelsea Handler dot com
for tickets.

Speaker 6 (54:44):
Okay, if you'd like advice from Chelsea, shoot us an
email at Dear Chelsea podcast at gmail dot com and
be sure to include your phone number. Dear Chelsea is
edited and engineered by Brad Dickert executive producer Catherine Law
and be sure to check out our merch at Chelseahandler
dot com.

Speaker 2 (55:00):
M