May 30, 2024 • 50 mins
Hacks Co-creator Paul W. Downs joins Chelsea today to talk about discovering moments of kismet, what it’s like working in a creative throuple, and whether he’s a Martha Stewart or a Snooki. Then: A nervous flyer seeks help after escaping Hurricane Katrina. A fiance wonders if her wealthy soon-to-be-husband is holding out on her. And a child behavioral therapist struggles when her partner cuts her off from making decisions for their child.
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Executive Producer Catherine Law
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Hi Catherine, Hi Elsey. I'm in New York City and
I'm swety. I'm a sweaty Betty. I went to the
wrong studio this morning.
Speaker 2 (00:10):
Not your fault.
Speaker 1 (00:11):
I've been all over town, up and downtown. It's only
two o'clock in the afternoon and I've already changed my
underwear twice.
Speaker 2 (00:18):
Great getting a little puma down there.
Speaker 1 (00:19):
It's a little moist over here in New York. Yeah,
So I'm only here for three more days. I'm on
my transition to my work. First I come to New York,
then I go farther east, and then I go farther east.
Speaker 2 (00:31):
That's what we did when we went to New yorka
with you.
Speaker 3 (00:33):
We like stopped in New York and saw some Broadway
shows with a friend, and then we, you know, pieced
out to Spain for a week, which was I know.
Speaker 1 (00:38):
I'm not seeing any Broadway shows this week, but I've
been invited to a couple. But I'm just trying to
pop into my favorite restaurants since i'll be out of
town and see all my friends that i haven't seen.
I like to make my presence known when I am
in town because I'm gone so much. I'll be out
of town for eight weeks now, and Doug is going
to sleep away camp for a month where he's going
to learn how to come when I call him.
Speaker 2 (01:01):
And not beyond everything hopefully.
Speaker 1 (01:03):
Yeah, he's yeah, my baby, my baby, I love my baby.
Speaker 3 (01:07):
Well, I know you'll miss him, but we are very
excited to see you move off to my Orca and
have some fun for a while.
Speaker 1 (01:13):
Yeah, you can tune into my Instagram to watch me
with my nieces and nephews while I'm corrupting them perfection.
I'm reading a book right now called Hamnet.
Speaker 3 (01:21):
I've heard that's good. It's on my little to read list.
Speaker 1 (01:24):
Yeah, I'm halfway through. It's nice. I like things that
are set like centuries ago, so yeah, I have to
you know, m.
Speaker 3 (01:30):
H, I'm reading something right now that's set a couple
centuries ago, and like it's a little bit of like
an unlikable main character, like like that kind of a
witch and a bitch like yeah.
Speaker 1 (01:40):
I like that. Though I know it's not often you
have an unlikable main character, but I yeah, sometimes prefer that.
Speaker 3 (01:45):
Yeah, it's called Fine Shade with a y Chelsea.
Speaker 2 (01:49):
We have a very fun guest day.
Speaker 1 (01:50):
Who oh my god, I'm excited. He's so ridiculous.
Speaker 3 (01:54):
He's so funny, and tonight is the season finale of.
Speaker 1 (01:57):
His show, season finale of Hacks. Everybody, he created Hacks,
which is a great show with Jean Smart and Hannah
einbeinder On Max and our friend and guest today is
the person responsible for it? Well, he and his wife
are responsible for it and bestie and bestie. Yeah, oh
that's right, him and his wife and their best friend.
(02:18):
They're a threatfle Please welcome Paul W Downs. Oh my god,
you're so ridiculous. Paul W have you ever been on
a zoom before? We have what aren't you? Aren't you
a showrunner?
Speaker 4 (02:30):
I am, but we don't usually have echo issues.
Speaker 1 (02:33):
Just to fill our listeners in, Paul W went from
his closet or some sort of bunker and it was
all it was all wood, so there was an echo.
And then we told him he had maybe if we
could get into bed or something. He didn't want to
do that. We offered you to get into bed, and
instead you went around the corner into some is this
(02:54):
a birthing room that you're in? Now?
Speaker 4 (02:56):
This is a bedroom. This is the bedroom. There is
a bed, but here's the thing. It's a laptop, so
I have to hold the laptop.
Speaker 1 (03:00):
I'm like, oh no, no, no, no, I just want
me to be as comfortable as possible, because great, you're
stressing me out.
Speaker 4 (03:07):
Oh no, don't get stressed.
Speaker 1 (03:09):
Paul congratulations on season three of the Very Funny, very
Successful Hacks on HBO. Max. Well we call it Max now, right, Yeah,
I suppose so legally we must, Yeah, yes, we must.
How has this experience been because Okay, to fill our
listeners in, Paul writes with his wife Lucia. Lucia and
(03:30):
you guys came up with this, right, we did.
Speaker 5 (03:32):
We came up with it with our very best friend,
Jen Statsky, who's our our third showrunner.
Speaker 1 (03:38):
Okay, right, I have a very good friend from high
school named Jen Satsky.
Speaker 4 (03:42):
No way, yeah, So, and did you go to high
school in New Jersey?
Speaker 1 (03:45):
I did Livingston High School. So tell Jen.
Speaker 4 (03:47):
I'm from New Jersey. My parents are from Randolph and Dover.
Speaker 3 (03:50):
Yeah.
Speaker 5 (03:50):
First, all I should say I should have started with
huge fans. But also I've always thought you could be
in my family. You just I just get the vibe
you'd fit right in.
Speaker 1 (04:00):
Yeah, I'm very I'm a very Jersey girl at heart.
That's really where the edge of the edges come. Yeah,
so are you right?
Speaker 4 (04:06):
I'm a Jersey girl too. Yeah.
Speaker 1 (04:08):
Would you compare yourself to Snookie at all?
Speaker 4 (04:10):
No, I'm not a snooky.
Speaker 5 (04:11):
I'm more of Martha Stewart. I gotta say, you pick
a Jersey girl that I feel is yeah, I.
Speaker 1 (04:17):
Do too, because she's got the right amount of bitch.
Well she's got an extra amount of bitch, which I respect.
Speaker 4 (04:22):
I do too.
Speaker 1 (04:23):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (04:24):
I got heavy on the bitch and light on the
duck face.
Speaker 1 (04:28):
She's light on the pleasant trees. Yeah, she doesn't care.
She doesn't have time. Every time I see her, she's like,
who are you with, Chelsea? Who brought who's your plus one?
That's all she cares about. And I'm like, yeah, I
like I like that. She cuts to the chase, like
I don't want to say it's so hot today either
to anyone, you know. Yeah, it's embarrassing. Okay, So tell
us because I know that you said you said you
(04:49):
were quoted as saying that women are funnier than men.
Speaker 4 (04:52):
Well, yeah, I do.
Speaker 1 (04:54):
That's a good thing for men to start saying, you know,
just start practicing that agreed, and is that why you
wanted to do a sh show senator on a female comedian.
Speaker 5 (05:01):
Yes, we were talking about how my first, the first
live stand up show, like real stand up show I
ever saw was Paula Pundstone in Morriston, New Jersey, and
there were just like so many stand ups that we
were talking about that never got the same du that
a ton of their male counterparts did. And we were
just like, it's interesting, especially, you know, because I met
(05:22):
my wife and Jen in New York at the UCB
and we were like, you know, part of that alt
comedy scene, which also.
Speaker 1 (05:28):
Are you I'm sorry, are you guys a throutble?
Speaker 4 (05:30):
We're not atle sexually? We do not. The three of
us don't have sex.
Speaker 1 (05:34):
Okay, just checking, I'm just clarifying, But that's good to know.
So is Jen Does she have a partner slash lover?
Speaker 4 (05:41):
She does? She has a husband actually.
Speaker 1 (05:43):
Okay, because that's very relevant to this conversation.
Speaker 4 (05:45):
She does have a husband.
Speaker 5 (05:47):
He would probably be fine if we, you know, became sexual,
but we're.
Speaker 1 (05:50):
Not, okay, which we're not. Don't count your chickens before
they hatch. You never know what's down on the Pike.
Speaker 4 (05:56):
That's exactly right, especially right way.
Speaker 1 (05:58):
But I like the way I used it.
Speaker 5 (06:01):
I did too, I did too, So not a throtfle
but yeah, we we just were like in this all
comedy scene also where there was a little bit of
like what's cool comedy, what's not cool comedy? You know,
and we were interested in exploring what it was like
for like a younger comedian who maybe thought someone like
Debora Vance was a hack not a cool comedy person,
(06:23):
what it would be like for her to understand like
all of the all of the indignities that person suffered
to like pave the way for other comedians like her.
So when we thought of it, we wrote an email
to each other that was just like the log line
of the show, and we could not stop thinking about
it anytime we hung it out, we talked about it.
Speaker 1 (06:41):
I mean, it is such a great idea for a
show to look at something that way. I would have
thought in the opposite direction, like to prove this tough,
tough bad guy was like really did have a heart.
But that's also part of the story too with gens
Smarts character, right.
Speaker 4 (06:54):
Yeah, a very person.
Speaker 1 (06:56):
Yeah, it's like a like a love affair between Hannah
and Jean Smart.
Speaker 5 (07:00):
It is a love affair, and we actually talk about
it that way. We talk about the thaw all the time.
Speaker 4 (07:05):
Ah goe, Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1 (07:07):
So you did. You never did stand up when you
were at UCB.
Speaker 4 (07:10):
I did do stand up. I did. I did mostly
sketch an improv, but I did do stand up.
Speaker 5 (07:13):
And actually it was because I did stand up and
I found it a lonely and b like what I
was doing was like a lot of like character.
Speaker 4 (07:19):
I would often be.
Speaker 5 (07:20):
Like, hey, I have some tech, and people at clubs
would be like what. And now I feel like there's
a lot of tech in stand up, Like you go
to a show and it's like power points and tons
of stuff.
Speaker 4 (07:29):
But I don't know it just it didn't feel like
the right place.
Speaker 1 (07:32):
I don't know what you're fucking talking about. I have
never seen a PowerPoint presentation at a stand up show.
I mean, I understand differentiation between alternative and stand up
because Hanna is alternative. I would describe Hanna as comedy
as alternative, which I just did in an article at
the Wall Street Journal or something like that for her,
because because she is alternative, like she has tech.
Speaker 4 (07:52):
Yes, she does have tech. That's right, she does. That's
a great Yes, she did a perfect example of it.
Speaker 1 (07:56):
Paul W. Do you think Hannah's character is written after
you is like loosely based on you.
Speaker 4 (08:02):
No, She's the closest to Jen and the reason.
Speaker 5 (08:05):
I mean, there is parts of myself and Lucia and
Jen in the character, and also parts of us at
Deborah as well.
Speaker 4 (08:12):
Again, I'm a Martha.
Speaker 5 (08:13):
Stewart, and I feel like the biggest similarity is that
Jen Early, when Twitter was like just popping off, she
became very successful on Twitter. I do know, can you
be successful? A lot of people followed her, and she
got hired essentially. I mean, she had a great packet,
I'm sure, but she was hired to write for Jimmy Fallon,
and I think part of her discovery was because she
(08:33):
was so well liked her comedy. Her jokes were so
good on Twitter, So that part of the origin story
of the character.
Speaker 4 (08:40):
Is borrowed from Jen's life. But there's a little bit
of all of us in that.
Speaker 1 (08:42):
Yeah. I mean, it's nice to have a team of
three when you're doing anything creative because that gives you
two heads to bounce ideas off of, so you can
really like check the box of you know, because sometimes
when you're working with yourself, you always have to bounce
it off of someone else before you can put it
live or write it down. Because I do. Actually that's
not true. I don't, but I but I do. Sometimes
(09:04):
I do. If I'm like on the fence about something
I know, bounce it off a couple of people to
get the reaction. All I usually need is one confirmation.
I'm like, I was right, that's funny, you know. Yeah,
you say it out loud to see if there's a reaction,
and if there's not, you walk away, you know, with
your head between your legs.
Speaker 5 (09:20):
Right or like me, because I've continued to do stand
up to a certain degree, not enough to be maybe
considered one. But I will keep doing a bit that
doesn't work. If I feel like it works for you,
truly yours, I just keep doing it.
Speaker 1 (09:32):
I'm like, I think that's funny. If I do something
twice and two times it doesn't work, I don't do
it again.
Speaker 4 (09:38):
That's probably the way to do it.
Speaker 1 (09:40):
No, I don't think there are any rules to anything.
There really aren't the goal I think for every creative
And you tell me if you disagree in any way
is to be confident in their with they're creating. To
have confidence in your creative ability. And when you're confident
in what you're creating like that, you can smell that,
and when you're not, you can smell it. So if
you're on stage doing something that doesn't work and you're
(10:01):
confident about it, it will still work.
Speaker 4 (10:03):
Right. Yeah, I think that's true.
Speaker 5 (10:04):
I don't lose an audience because I think it's funny.
It does tickle me, and I do think that's something that.
Speaker 1 (10:08):
Please use that expression on this podcast, that it tickles you. No,
it's like that's a personal request.
Speaker 4 (10:17):
Oh good to know. You don't like to be tickled?
Speaker 1 (10:18):
No, I don't. I don't like that. I don't like
the word tickle. I find it very molesty. You know,
get a tickle. It's like, no, thank you, I'm not
coming to get a tickle. Or tickle your fancy is
another expression that I could do without, but I use
it all the time in spite of it because it's
so stupid. This might tickle your fancy, but it's evocative.
(10:42):
It's very evocative.
Speaker 4 (10:43):
But no, I think you're right.
Speaker 5 (10:44):
You have to be confident and you have to enjoy
it yourself. That's one of the things that having three
of us it is good because we're so confident because
if we can make one of the other three laugh,
My favorite audience are the two of them, and so
we're constantly trying to make each other laugh. But it's
also great because we have a tiebreaker, So that's also
there's a really good part of the three in creative
(11:04):
collaboration because of that too.
Speaker 1 (11:06):
So you guys want a bunch of Emmys. You went
on your honeymoon, Is this correct, and then you flew
back straight to the Emmys.
Speaker 5 (11:11):
Yeah, well, we we weirdly because because of when the
Emmys were happening, we did our honeymoon before our wedding,
so we got married.
Speaker 4 (11:19):
I mean, the truth, the true story is this.
Speaker 1 (11:21):
We don't know if I could get it up to
do that, like do it in reverse, I might oh,
or maybe I would do the honeymoon and then leave
before the marriage.
Speaker 5 (11:28):
It was great to do in reverse because I'm like, no, well,
we we actually found out like eleven days before our
honeymoon that she was two months pregnant, which we did
not plan.
Speaker 1 (11:37):
The baby, and the baby was yours and.
Speaker 4 (11:39):
The baby was mine as far as I know.
Speaker 1 (11:41):
Okay, Well, obviously that's something to look into, m hm.
Speaker 5 (11:44):
So we went on our honeymoon, we got married, and
then we came back and like four days later were
the Emmys.
Speaker 4 (11:49):
So it was a really crazy month.
Speaker 1 (11:50):
And then you won Emmys. How many Emmys did you
win that night?
Speaker 4 (11:54):
I only won one? Did she had to do that night?
Gene won one?
Speaker 5 (11:58):
I mean there were there were there were a few
emis for the show, but I personally took home one.
Speaker 1 (12:02):
Let's talk about Jeane Smart. Tell me about your experience
with because Jean Smart lost her husband at the beginning
of this series. I remember Handa was telling me that
and then she had this huge resurgence at the same time,
which I find those things kind of coincide in people's
lives all the time, right, there could be a big
loss and then there could be like a major shift
in a different area. So tell us about choosing Jean
(12:25):
Smart for the role, Like, how did you decide?
Speaker 5 (12:27):
Well, we wrote the part without anybody in mind, and
we had written the script and we made a list
of people that we thought would be good for it,
and she was honestly at the top of the list
because we wanted someone who could do like that her
heartfelt moments in the show, more dramatic parts, but also
we needed her to be a believable stand up and
deliver a joke. And there's not a ton of women
that are that age that we thought would be perfect
(12:48):
for it, and so we sent it to her and
she met with us and said, you know, I always
wanted to be a stand up. When I was twelve,
everyone was mermaid or a princess, and I dressed as
philis Diller and none of the other kids got it.
But she's like, I've always wanted to do that. So
it's weirdly kismet. And then a lot of weird kismet
stuff kept happening.
Speaker 1 (13:07):
Like what else tell us? I like, will your weird
kismet chit?
Speaker 6 (13:09):
You know?
Speaker 5 (13:10):
When Jean's husband passed, we sent her flowers and they
were her wedding flowers, and she's like, it's so weird.
How would you have known that anemonees were my wedding
flower And we had sent heed that and were just
like a weird coincs. But there kept being these things
that She's like, when we would write the script, she'd
be like, do you know I was obsessed with Christmas
and be like, no, we don't really know you that well,
we're just starting the season, you know, we But there
was a lot of things that were written into the
(13:30):
show that she was like, this is as if you
live in my house or you know, there's just a
bunch of stuff that felt weird, you know, felt weirdly
like it was it was a destined thing.
Speaker 4 (13:39):
She was meant for it.
Speaker 1 (13:40):
But yeah, your character is so fucking funny. You and Meghan.
Oh my god, Megan is so ridiculous. I mean, does
she ever say anything serious? I'm like, every time I
see her, I'm like, are you in character? Or are
you I'm like, is this your a real person?
Speaker 5 (13:54):
He's always on, She's always on. But I have gotten
some serious moments from her. And actually you'll see the
season she plays some serious moments in the show.
Speaker 1 (14:02):
Oh, I don't know if I'm ready for that.
Speaker 5 (14:04):
I gotta tell you what she's making She's making me
cry in the scene season three, it's the finale, it's
season three.
Speaker 4 (14:09):
She was so good. I was moved and during it
it was crazy. She's great.
Speaker 1 (14:13):
Yeah, that's okay, that's enough about that. Now, how do
you know when you are writing something and you're starring
in it. I always am curious about directing and starring
in your own stuff. How do you know when it's
actually serving the purpose, like serving the script versus just
serving your own role and and expansion of it. Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 5 (14:35):
I think because being a writer on the show, like
writing the show, I think I care so much more
about the story than my part in the show that
oftentimes I'm like, we can lose, we can lose that
scene of Jimmy. I honestly often am like the one
who's I just cut that, And luckily I have these
other people who are like, no, keep it in. That
was a funny scene. We got to keep it in.
But when I'm when I'm directing, I mostly direct episodes
(14:56):
that Jimmy isn't really in because I find that hard too.
I'm like, I how you do a whole movie where
you're the leader of the movie and directing the movie,
and like, what do you watch playback every five minutes?
And it seems or you're in a scene you're like,
can we just what I need you to do?
Speaker 4 (15:09):
You know, in your director but.
Speaker 1 (15:11):
You're writing, directing, and starring in this that's a lot.
I didn't realize you were also directing.
Speaker 4 (15:17):
Yeah, I direct only a handful of the episodes.
Speaker 1 (15:20):
All right, we get it, we get it. You're a director,
you don't have to get defense.
Speaker 2 (15:24):
And a showrunner.
Speaker 4 (15:25):
Well, no, I'm saying, I don't direct that many. I don't.
I don't even. I dabble, I dabble.
Speaker 1 (15:30):
We have fun, and how does that work? Let me
tell I want to know about like being with your spouse,
working together, living together, how how does that vibe work?
You have a kid now, so we do, and obviously
you have to have help because if you're both working,
we do we do. Whenever I think of a couple
working together, I envisioned doctor Phil with his wife and
the audience and think, what don't you have anything to do?
(15:52):
You know? Like why is she sitting there listening to
her fucking husband? Like, get, that's an hour she could
get away from him, and she's choosing to go and
listen to him. Rant But I think, I guess I'm
going to answer my own question here. But then I
want you to elaborate, Paul W. Because working together with
a spouse in a creative space must be very stimulating, right,
Like more stimulate, like being able to carry your work
(16:15):
home with you when it is creative isn't as onerous
as it is to carry your work home with you
if you're a CPA or something exactly.
Speaker 4 (16:22):
We are in a way.
Speaker 5 (16:25):
We're always working, but we're never working because even when
we're together and we're at a restaurant and we see
a waitress who's like doing something fun, We're like, this
is this is a scene?
Speaker 4 (16:33):
You know what I mean?
Speaker 5 (16:33):
We're constantly collecting material, but also we're never really bored
because we always have something. And the thing is, because
we also work on comedy together. It's about trying to
make the other person laugh. So again, it's not like
being a CPA or even doing something dramatic. I'm like,
you know, we're not bringing home some true crime murder story,
you know, and thinking about the directing of that.
Speaker 4 (16:52):
We're we're thinking about a better.
Speaker 1 (16:53):
Joke or directing the Ashley Madison documentary. Is that what
you were thinking.
Speaker 4 (16:57):
Of saying, Yeah, we're not doing that.
Speaker 1 (16:59):
We're such a beautiful documentary, and what about like because
it's very heartwarming the show, and so I'm always wondering,
like the line, because I like I would always err
on the side of hard comedy, and this is this
is I wouldn't say hard comedy, right, I wouldn't say that.
I would say that it's comedy. But there's a lot
of heart, I guess from Gene. Sometimes it can be
(17:20):
hard comedy. How do you tell the line, like, what's
the most important for you and your storytelling vision and
what's the most important for the show?
Speaker 4 (17:28):
Funny first? I mean it is.
Speaker 5 (17:30):
It is in our minds a comedy and so we're
always always making sure that it's funny first.
Speaker 4 (17:35):
But whether that just be the scene or the dialogue.
Speaker 5 (17:38):
And we do have this kind of cheat code because
Gene plays a stand up so we get to like
write not only stand up jokes for it, but also like,
you know, she's a person that makes jokes constantly.
Speaker 4 (17:47):
She's constantly joking. She's constantly ribbing Ava and Ava's throwing
it back.
Speaker 5 (17:50):
Like we get to write jokes, which I think when
you see a comedy where people, you know whatever work
in a hospital and then they're slinging jokes, you're like, well,
if feels written, because right, people are not professional Canadians
who are really fun.
Speaker 4 (18:04):
I'm not saying that.
Speaker 1 (18:05):
You've never met a funny phlebotomist.
Speaker 4 (18:08):
You know, I haven't. I don't think i've met.
Speaker 1 (18:09):
It only took me two tries to get phlebotomists out
of my mouth.
Speaker 4 (18:12):
That was good, that was and that's a funny word.
Speaker 1 (18:14):
I'm assuming that you've had therapy in your life, right,
You've been to therapy, you have. It's impossible to live
in la and be in this industry and not go
to therapy. It's like the gateway drug to therapy is
being in Hollywood. You have to go to therapy at
some point if you've lived there. Okay, Well, we're going
to take a break and then we're gonna come back
and we're going to answer some callers questions. Okay, Paul
w Okay, we'll be right back this week.
Speaker 3 (18:40):
We'd love to get questions from anyone with parenting questions
or step parenting questions. We'd also like to hear from
any trans or non binary folks who would like invice
from Chelsea, whether that be about friendships, dating, work issues,
or anything else. Right into Dear Chelsea Podcast at gmail dot.
Speaker 1 (18:56):
Com, and we're back with Paul W. Downs Hell and
how there's no relation to the other the zillions of
Paul downs out there, right, because I was assuming that
W had to be put in there.
Speaker 5 (19:06):
Yeah, well I do have I mean, I have a
relationship to my dad, but if I didn't have a W,
he might collect a residual, which is not good.
Speaker 4 (19:13):
You know, it's good at me.
Speaker 1 (19:14):
Are you in any way related to George W. Bush?
Speaker 5 (19:17):
No, No, it's not the way at least you know
keyword for me.
Speaker 1 (19:22):
But you know I was just asking, just you know,
I ask every guest.
Speaker 3 (19:26):
Yes, our first question comes from l She says, to
your Chelsea, I'm writing to ask you about how to
approach a prenup. My fiance is a self made millionaire
and has two kids. I've always known that there will
be a prenup eventually, but I feel like the expectations
are always changing. None of this is very romantic, and
I hate going through this process. I don't want the
(19:47):
money he made before we were together, but having said that,
I want to stand.
Speaker 1 (19:51):
Up for my lot more money.
Speaker 3 (19:53):
I have no kids, I'm almost a decade younger, and
I've had a successful career. But it feels like since
we're starting a partner ship, I should have a somewhat
equal share in what happens going forward. How do you
recommend handling money matters like this in a couple?
Speaker 1 (20:07):
L Oh, god, prenups. Sorry, yeah, that is I don't
know the legalities around a prenup because I'm smart enough
to never have been married. Paul, w what about you?
You're married?
Speaker 4 (20:16):
I am married. I don't have a prenup.
Speaker 1 (20:18):
Okay, well you need to get one, even though you
guys share the same job.
Speaker 4 (20:22):
We gotta do. I know, that's the thing.
Speaker 1 (20:23):
I'm like, that's gonna be a tricky No, you can
get a post up. Actually, that is a thing. People
do do that or they re they they renegotiate their
prenup once they're down the road, like five or ten years,
Like who's counting. Obviously they are because they're like, all
right now it's time for this to you know, mature.
But I would say, first of all, you need an
attorney that is going to have your best interests in mind.
(20:46):
You can't rely on your fiance's attorney to have your
best interests. That is not a thing. They don't have
your best interests, they have his best interests. So you
have to just find a lawyer, and find a female lawyer.
I would say to help negotiate your terms, and you're
absolutely right. If you're gonna move in and be a partnership,
then it should be more of a partnership. But yeah,
you're no way entitled to anything that he made before
(21:06):
that or any of the money that has set aside
for his children.
Speaker 4 (21:09):
I think that's right.
Speaker 5 (21:10):
I think it's like, okay, we just make terms that
you guys are a partnership from that point forward.
Speaker 4 (21:15):
I think that's right.
Speaker 1 (21:15):
I was once engaged very quietly too with someone, and
as soon as I heard about the prenup, I was like,
we're not doing this. It was my from my business managers.
Once I heard about what would be entailed, what it
would entail, I was like, never mind, I'm not even
going to have the problem to ever have to deal with.
Speaker 4 (21:34):
I will say, our business manager did recommend a prenup
and we did not do it.
Speaker 1 (21:37):
Yeah, there are those people. You must have thought you
were really in love at that time, Paul w.
Speaker 4 (21:42):
Well, we had been together for like fifteen years.
Speaker 1 (21:44):
That's a long time. Fifteen years. So now you've been
together twenty years, No, eighteen years, no, like seventeen seventeen. Okay,
my math is sometimes a little bit off.
Speaker 4 (21:53):
Mine is off too. I don't.
Speaker 5 (21:54):
I'm like, this is kind of an approximation, you know, yeah,
it was great anyway.
Speaker 1 (21:57):
Well, lengths of time, durations of time is always in an approximation.
People are like, when did your mother die? I'm like,
I don't know. It could have been a year ago,
it could have been ten years ago. I have no
sense of time.
Speaker 4 (22:06):
Right right, right, especially, I have very bad memory too.
Speaker 1 (22:09):
Oh, you have a really bad memory. A lot of
guys have bad memories. It's impressive when you meet a
guy with good memory. I sometimes have a good one,
sometimes a bad one. It depends how much product spoke
that day.
Speaker 3 (22:17):
But yeah, yeah, I think that's really good advice for Elle,
Like get your own attorney because it's not a romantic
thing and it needs to just like not be your manic.
Speaker 1 (22:25):
And you shouldn't even discuss it with your husband to
just don't even discuss it. Let that lawyers deal with it.
People are there to do those jobs, so you don't
have to do them. Do not get involved. It will
get much more unromantic if you do exactly.
Speaker 4 (22:40):
Yeah, keep the boundary, Yeah, and talk about money.
Speaker 1 (22:41):
Is always an ugly conversation. It's an uncomfortable conversation. If
you need it, it's a desperate conversation. If you have it,
you know, it's just always like sticky.
Speaker 3 (22:51):
Yeah, So there you go. L Our first color today
is Bree. She is thirty seven and she's a therapist,
your Chelsea Pie. I'm a lesbian in my mid thirties
who's worked for the last ten years as both a
child behavioral therapist and a family therapist. It can be
a very difficult and very rewarding job, and I love it.
At home, I have a wife who I've been with
(23:12):
since our early twenties. We have a beautiful four year
old daughter and are on the verge of trying for
another child. We have a wonderful marriage, she's my best friend,
my writer die and ninety percent of the time things
are great. Parenting is where it gets tricky. She's the
one who carried our daughter and has always been a
mama bear by nature, while I'm also a mom. I
often take the quote dad roles when parenting. Our daughter
(23:36):
has a special bond with my wife, which is great,
but sometimes it leaves me feeling a little left out.
And as much as I love my job, it feels
like it's working against me sometimes at home. While my
wife and I often parent cohesively, will occasionally disagree with
some parenting decisions. Unfortunately, whenever I disagree with her opinion,
she automatically says that I'm being too clinical. I try
(23:56):
not to use professional language for this reason, and I
do think I do a pretty good job. Needless to say,
anytime we have a parenting disagreement, her opinion always wins,
and she disqualifies mine due to my profession. My wife
struggles with a lot of insecurity, and I can see
some of the same traits developing in our daughter. I've
tried to explain that there are things we can do
as parents to build our daughter's self confidence, but my
(24:18):
words fall on deaf ears and she does get defensive.
I've suggested seeing a family therapist ourselves, but she revealed
to me that she doesn't believe in therapy, which is
a whole other dilemma. No, is it better for me
to back down and go along with her instincts as
a mom, sometimes against my better judgment and training. Am
I really letting my career blur my natural parenting?
Speaker 1 (24:40):
Bree oh Hi Brie Hi Hi This is our special
guest today, Paul W. Downs. Hi, Hi, Hi. That's so
it's not funny, but it's very funny that your that's
like being a ghostbuster and having your spouse not believe
in ghosts. That's fucked up.
Speaker 7 (24:59):
Yeah, it's been challenging.
Speaker 1 (25:01):
People cannot not be open to therapy, Like that's just
so stupid to say you need a parenting counselor somebody
who can talk to both of you because it's not
cool that she's disagreeing with you. You guys are supposed to
be on the same team.
Speaker 7 (25:13):
Yeah, And I you know, I think a lot of
it had to do with the fact that when I
when our daughter was first born, you know, I'm not
great with newborns. That was did not come nationally to me.
I was awkward, I fumbled around a lot, and I
think she sort of panicked and pulled back. And you know,
my expertise is really from five and above, and so
I think she was like, you know what we're done.
(25:34):
I'm going to make the decisions and you can be
over here.
Speaker 1 (25:38):
Okay, Well that's that you can't be relegated to like
a second in command. A I wouldn't worry about that.
It's people bond with children at different ages, Like, don't
worry about not bonding to the same level when she
was an infant. Is your daughter, Yeah, daughter, and don't
worry about that. You're gonna have your own bonding with
her at whatever age it's going to happen. That always
shakes itself out. But your wife seems to be the
(25:59):
bigger issue you, which is you have to get her
to understand that she doesn't get to decide. She's not
the only parent in this unit. This family unit has
two parents, and she's dominating.
Speaker 7 (26:11):
Yeah, and she's never dominated in anything before. I've always
been that kind of person too. She has been like, oh,
I'm going I'm good with whatever. I make all the
decisions for a lot of things, which can be frustrating
because I love a back and forth. And so now
she's like, you know what, I've never done anything and
made any decisions. Now I'm going to stand up for
myself and make all these decisions. And you know, it's
hard to argue with that, but I'd like to be
(26:33):
a role in my daughter's life.
Speaker 1 (26:35):
And you have every right to be a role in
your daughter's life. So like, yeah, that's the most important thing.
It's not about who's right or who's wrong. It's about
both being open to listening to each other's opinions.
Speaker 4 (26:45):
You do family therapy, right.
Speaker 7 (26:46):
Yeah, I'm a family therapist and a child behavioral therapist.
Speaker 4 (26:49):
Yeah. Okay, So what would you say.
Speaker 5 (26:53):
I'm like, you know, I'm like, this is so hard
because you're you're in it. But this is past, this
is hard.
Speaker 7 (27:02):
I mean, the immediate thought that would come to mind
for me is there's clearly some trust issues on her end,
in terms she did have a very traumatic childhood. There
is a lot of trust background issues there. She doesn't
believe in therapy because she doesn't trust the process. She
doesn't trust that someone a stranger could help her with
what she experienced, and she doesn't trust other people to
(27:24):
help make big decisions like myself for our daughter. And
at first, before we had a child, it was easier
because you know, it was just the two of us,
and now there's a whole human life here that is
impacting our ability to trust each other basically, So that
would be my first thought is there's some trust building
to have to occur here, but I don't know how
(27:47):
to do.
Speaker 1 (27:47):
It well, especially with what you just said earlier, which
is that you made all the decisions until this and
you're a child psychologist or behavioral list and so she's
looking at you like, oh no, no, no, this is
another thing you're going to dominate. And now she's stepping
in and going, no, I'm going to take this role.
So yes, with that information, with everything you said, that
sounds pretty kind of textbook. So you should be able
(28:09):
to handle this without us.
Speaker 4 (28:15):
How old is How old is she your daughter? Not
your wife?
Speaker 1 (28:17):
She's four and a half now and a half.
Speaker 4 (28:20):
Okay, yeah, you're about to get to your expertise.
Speaker 7 (28:23):
Yes, and you know I'd love another child, but I
don't want to go through all this over again.
Speaker 1 (28:28):
Okay, well you have to get into therapy together. She
can't that. That attitude isn't going to be good for
your marriage or your relationship or your family dynamic. So
you've got to really work on that and work on that.
Do you see someone?
Speaker 4 (28:41):
Ah?
Speaker 7 (28:41):
Yes, I do.
Speaker 1 (28:42):
Well talk to your person about that. I mean, I
know you're trying to talk to us about it, but
you should also talk to your person and see what
they say, Like, what is an organic way for you
to bring her in where she doesn't feel threatened and
she doesn't feel it's about her, and you can organically
bring the conversation in around whatever the pretense of her
coming to therapy, which is you want to make sure
that you're staying connected. Maybe you don't feel so connected
(29:03):
to her.
Speaker 7 (29:04):
Yeah, that's true, Oka.
Speaker 1 (29:05):
And I don't think you go in saying like staking
your claim of what you think you're missing. I think
you go in like, I want us to be more
unified as parents, and I want to be closer to
you and acknowledge the closeness she has with your daughter
without sounding like it's a threat, you know what I mean, Like,
it's so great the way that you've stepped in. It
(29:26):
makes my life. It's so nice to know she's in
such safe hands. You know that obviously it's her mother,
but still, like people need to hear those things, you know,
and that's usually where the insecurity lies. It's like this
deep rooted fear that you're not doing a good enough
job at whatever it is you're doing.
Speaker 4 (29:43):
Right, I think you've hit.
Speaker 7 (29:44):
The nail on the head there with her. I think
that you're absolutely right. She would respond much better to
a positive approach there instead of in the past we
would just combat. I would say why am I not
allowed you in on this? And she would get defensive.
So I think that's absolutely right.
Speaker 2 (29:58):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (29:58):
Yeah, with people who get to fend if, it's just
like you have to like pour love over them over
and over and over again until they just melt and
give up.
Speaker 4 (30:05):
Yeah.
Speaker 5 (30:06):
It's almost like you want to say, can you come
to my session because I want you to help me
with this thing. Yeah, exactly, I'm feeling sad about this thing,
and maybe you can shed some light on the situation
with my therapist. Like, you know, if you make it
more about what you need and not what they need
to change, that might be helpful. And I think that's right.
It's just about like being like, you're so great at
(30:27):
all these things. Sometimes I don't feel what you know.
I do feel like sometimes people do the counterbalance, they
do the end of the yang, and it's like it
might be the case that she's like, no, you're great,
you're a great parent. You also studied this, he went
to school for it, and you know me, I do
believe in it.
Speaker 1 (30:42):
Absolutely, But you could still feel inadequate within a relationship,
and that's a good descriptor to use for the way
you feel to her, because that makes it, you know,
it's not aggressive.
Speaker 7 (30:53):
Yeah, And I think there was also that second layer
for me if I was I'm not a blood parent,
and so I was already feeling insignificant that I didn't
have the same role in my daughter's life with that
whole second parent but not blood parent situation. So that
really haunted me for a while as well. I'm working
on that.
Speaker 3 (31:11):
When you know, you said that you're thinking about another child,
are you? Is she going to carry again and use
her own eggs and everything?
Speaker 8 (31:18):
Yeah?
Speaker 7 (31:18):
Yeah, so same situations, full blood seidling.
Speaker 1 (31:22):
You're having honest feelings about that reservations, right, you said, yeah, yeah,
so you got to like get this. It's gonna be fine.
You just have to get her to a place where
you have to really come from a place where you're
sharing it with her rather than prescribing it to her.
Speaker 4 (31:38):
Yeah.
Speaker 7 (31:38):
Absolutely, you know, I'm just navigating both her and being
you know, a same sex couple with same parenting, which
we don't have a lot of examples to pull from,
so we're sort of making it up on the fly.
Speaker 1 (31:49):
Just follow Brandy Carlyle on Instagram. She and her wife
seem to make it work, even though Brandy Carlyle is
on can you join a band on tour that seems
to be a great Can you start doing stand up?
Most people don't know? Okay, well, good luck with everything
(32:12):
and keep us posted. Let us know. If that works
out and you get her to come to therapy.
Speaker 7 (32:16):
Awesome, Maybe I'll get her to come here and get
therapy for me.
Speaker 3 (32:21):
Bring her on.
Speaker 1 (32:21):
Yeah, we are looking for couples. I'm not fucking joking.
I like talking to couples. So if you could get
her to do it, we'll set it up all right.
Speaker 7 (32:30):
Thank you guys so much.
Speaker 1 (32:37):
Paul, do you defer to your wife about your child,
about your parenting like or does she defer to you
who's in charge?
Speaker 5 (32:44):
I think it depends on the moment. I feel like
we both we both have our thoughts. I mean, sometimes
it differs, but it's it's so it's so minor. It's
usually around like should we keep them up in the
car before you know what I mean.
Speaker 4 (32:55):
It's stuff like that.
Speaker 5 (32:56):
But I get what we was saying about, even because
I feel like dads feel this way too, even if
there are blood related it it's like, well they didn't.
Speaker 4 (33:01):
Carry the child.
Speaker 5 (33:02):
They also didn't if they if the child was breastflite,
they didn't brestfeed, And there's like a bond that happens there.
And in the beginning, dad, the dad is kind of
like the butler, not you know, he's just like making
sure everybody has the things, but not really doing as much.
Speaker 4 (33:13):
So I do get that. I get what Breeze is
talking about.
Speaker 1 (33:17):
Yeah, I would definitely, like I even hearing it, like
there's one birth parent and then there's one, so you're
assuming a male role almost because you're like the dad
or a traditional male role. But I would feel that
like if I was in a lesbian relationship and my
wife carried the baby, I'd be like, all right, one am,
I allowed man out. It's like how you feel after
a threesome, you know, when you're the extra.
Speaker 3 (33:39):
Just like that, So how Paul W feels every day
in his workplace.
Speaker 1 (33:43):
Paul W always feels post threesome. I could tell. Oh,
by the way, Paul, I just agree to do a
residency in Vegas at the Cosmopolitan once a month.
Speaker 4 (33:52):
I know, congrats. I love that.
Speaker 1 (33:55):
I was inspired by the show No.
Speaker 4 (33:58):
Get Out of here, get out of here.
Speaker 1 (33:59):
I read that you guys spend so much time in Vegas,
so you actually have to live there part time when
you're shooting, right.
Speaker 5 (34:06):
We actually hate to say it. We shoot mostly in
La We're only there for like three days a season.
Speaker 1 (34:10):
Oh okay, okay, that.
Speaker 4 (34:11):
Makes you love.
Speaker 5 (34:12):
We do love the Vegas portion of our shoot. We
love you know, it's so it's it is the show.
So I love Vegas.
Speaker 4 (34:18):
I think it's.
Speaker 1 (34:19):
I love the way her house is in Vegas with
that long drive. I love when a driveway isn't is
too long to be called a driveway and it's just
a drive. It's a drive. That's what I say. Whenever
I go to ted sarandas is the house, it's like
it's a drive, you know, like it's a whole. It
loops around the property and you're like, ooh am, I
never never land.
Speaker 4 (34:38):
I want to go. Everybody knows going I gotta go. Yeah,
I gotta go to Ted.
Speaker 1 (34:41):
The best hosts. Okay. So yeah, I love the way
her comes into her house. I'm like, oh god, that's
the only way you could get anyone to move to
Vegas is to give them some strolling indoor amusement park
for a house, you know, basically like, you have all
the fixings you need here, you don't ever have to
leave because it's fucking hot there.
Speaker 4 (35:00):
Are you going to live there?
Speaker 1 (35:01):
No, no, no doubt. I literally go. I fly. I
perform once a month, so it's like, oh oh, not
like a weekly thing, right. I tried to calculate in
my head how many hours in a row I could
stay in Vegas while also remaining stable. You know what
I mean. I'm not I can't be trusted in areas
like that or Monte Carlo.
Speaker 4 (35:21):
Oh wow, Oh, Monte Carlo will be really fun. I
would see you there.
Speaker 1 (35:25):
I've been dying to throw Monte Carlo into something. Yeah,
what do we have?
Speaker 3 (35:32):
Well, now that we've hit Monte Carlo, our next caller
is Kelly. Kelly is twenty nine and says, Dear Chelsea,
I write to you because I need you to help
me get the hell over a fear. My partner is
a world traveler. It's one of her favorite things. She
would love nothing more than to go somewhere extra cool
with me. I also love to travel and take vacations,
(35:52):
but usually ones I can drive to. You see, I'm
afraid of planes. She and I have been together for
four years now. She's been patient and supportive, but it
has been four years, and I owe it to her
and me to shake it off. I refuse to fly
for about twenty years now. I think my avoidance is
rooted in past experience of turbulence, fear of no exit
(36:13):
or control, a fatal plane crash occurring in a city
my partner was visiting at the time, intrusive thoughts, and
overall anxiety. My therapist is on board to help me
through the plane fear, even via virtual reality. My doctor
has given me at Avan to use on my first
ever adult flight, whenever that may be. In conclusion, I'm
getting good building blocks toward my first flight, but the
(36:34):
thought still horrifies me. I need Chelsea Handler to tell
me to get the hell over it. Maybe tell me
what's so good about flying. Your advice will help my
partner like me even more. Kelly, and Kelly, I do
need you to tell us what you told me on
our call together about like the last time you flew
and when that was Yes, Hello.
Speaker 8 (36:52):
Everyone, Hi, ahead, welcome, thank you so much, thanks for
having me so. My last flight was in two thousand
and five. I was very young and Hurricane Katrina was
basically hitting as we were leaving, the hurricane was hitting
and hitting, turbulence in the air just all of that
combined really freaked me out.
Speaker 1 (37:11):
Yeah, but you're fine. You're fine now, nothing happened. So look,
the worst thing happened and you're fine. Yeah, I mean
the worst thing didn't happen, but it came close to happening,
or what you think was going to cause that. First
of all, I don't know if this will help you,
but it helped me a long time ago. I don't
have a fear of flying, but I remember someone telling
me that when you're experiencing turbulence, it's almost like the
(37:34):
opposite of crashing, like it is the most normal expected
thing to happen, and that planes don't get into trouble
during turbulence. That's not what causes planes to go out,
you know. I mean maybe with weather changing the way
it is because of climate change, that it could be
it could escalate to that, But that's not where where
crashes come from. Turbulence. So you should know that and
(37:55):
write that down in front of you so you could
read that over and over again. You know what I
mean for when you fly. I'm fucking serious.
Speaker 2 (38:00):
But just you were fine.
Speaker 1 (38:01):
You are fine, you are safe, you are fine, I
am safe. Blah blah blah, over and over and over
against yourself. To calm yourself down while you're on the
plane and out of van didn't help you.
Speaker 8 (38:12):
I haven't tried it yet.
Speaker 4 (38:14):
Oh it's gonna be great.
Speaker 1 (38:15):
You're gonna you're gonna love it. The other thing is,
I would recommend you go to a hypnotist to try
to get over this, because Kerrie Gainer's in LA. But
that would require a flight, so I don't know. I
went to him for smoking cigarettes. I have tons of people.
Do you know who he is?
Speaker 4 (38:32):
I've heard of him yet, Yeah, like he's.
Speaker 1 (38:33):
This famous hypnotist.
Speaker 5 (38:34):
Who is I had a friend who went for candy
for like a sugar addiction.
Speaker 4 (38:38):
I went.
Speaker 1 (38:38):
I had a friend who went for biting her toenails. Okay,
apparently the two biggest phobias are spiders and flying. Those
are the or no sorry, fear of public speaking, and
flying spiders are scary too.
Speaker 4 (38:50):
We feel for the spider fear of people.
Speaker 1 (38:51):
But can you look up a hypnotist? You have to
try it, you do it? Three times and you will like,
it works for a lot of people, so don't rule
that out.
Speaker 5 (39:00):
And you know, my uncle flies planes, and I'm like,
this is crazy, this is scary. But you know what
he said to me, and it actually is in my
head all the time. Planes want to stay in the
air the way that they're designed.
Speaker 4 (39:11):
They don't.
Speaker 5 (39:11):
It's hard to get them down. Actually, the landing is
not to scare you, one of the one of the
most treacherous parts.
Speaker 1 (39:17):
Because necessary to say that what are you doing right now?
So she gets on the plane, she's okay, and that
she remembers what you said about the fucking landing.
Speaker 4 (39:29):
That's the last five minutes.
Speaker 1 (39:32):
Ruined the whole flight.
Speaker 5 (39:34):
No flying, it's not it's not dangerous to land.
Speaker 4 (39:40):
It's fine. It's it's all safe. It's safer than driving
in a car. You know that. You've heard the stats.
Speaker 1 (39:44):
It is safer than driving in a car.
Speaker 4 (39:46):
Have you been in a Have you been in a
golf cart?
Speaker 1 (39:48):
Yeah?
Speaker 4 (39:49):
So golf carts don't really have a suspension that lets them.
Speaker 5 (39:51):
I mean, they're really bouncy, but they don't tip over,
they don't roll, you know what I mean. That's exactly
what turbunece is it's like it's like bounces. It's not
going to make the plane all out of the air.
It's like being in a golf cart, and I do
I know that sounds crazy, but I do think because turbulence,
I don't love it either. I don't know who loves turbulence,
but I do think about the golf cart analogy whenever
there's turbulence, and also that the plane wants to be
(40:12):
in the air.
Speaker 1 (40:13):
I don't think that line of thinking is helpful at all.
Does that make you feel better?
Speaker 8 (40:20):
Yes, I wrote all those down right. It's also like
an overstimulation thing and not liking to be around people
and have no escape. So I'm wondering what escape up
for Like a first class flight that might.
Speaker 5 (40:35):
Yeah, that will help a lot in first class will
have Also, I think turbulence is less apparent in the front.
Speaker 3 (40:41):
I think, yeah, okay, I took out a van for
a flying because it was like a period where I
was pretty nervous flyer and it like you still think like,
oh I might die, but like it makes you not
care that you might die.
Speaker 2 (40:52):
It just takes that away.
Speaker 3 (40:53):
I will also say, TikTok, there are a lot of
people on there who are like, let me walk you
through the different sounds you're going to hear as you're
taking off or as you're landing. And here's why they're
not scary. I recently stumbled across this and it made
my next flight like so much easier.
Speaker 8 (41:07):
To download TikTok.
Speaker 1 (41:08):
Yes, well, get ahead of ourselves TikTok, yet don't ruin it.
Probably stay away from it and just look up what
she's talking about. Yeah, there on YouTube too, But does
any of that help you?
Speaker 8 (41:23):
Definitely? Definitely. I'm just really grateful.
Speaker 1 (41:26):
You can do it.
Speaker 4 (41:28):
Thank you. It's gonna you're gonna love it.
Speaker 6 (41:32):
Yeah.
Speaker 8 (41:32):
I just want to pick a place I really want
to go to and then it'll feel really worth it.
And hearing your words of encouragement is super help.
Speaker 1 (41:39):
Yeah, get after it, because once you get that fly
first flight down, then you can travel wherever you want, girl,
And that's the that's the key to the rest of
your life, like looking and seeing different new places. I mean,
how exciting is that to know that you can go
and travel around the world and you're not gonna be scared. Yep.
Speaker 2 (41:54):
If Courtney can get Travis Barker to fly again.
Speaker 3 (41:56):
You can fly again.
Speaker 1 (41:57):
I think Courtney could get Travis Barker to do a
lot of things that he hasn't done in a long time.
He seems pretty devoted to her. Okay, well, good luck
with everything, take care, Thank you so much, check care bye.
I don't like these requests when people say I want
Chelsea to tell me to get my shit together. I
want Chelsea to tell me to go for a flight,
because it's like that's all I have to say. Then,
(42:19):
like they're not letting me decide what to say. Then
I'm just like, go do it.
Speaker 2 (42:23):
I think we give her a lot of stuff though,
I think it was good.
Speaker 1 (42:25):
Well, we did cover a lot of stuff. Think God
Paul was here.
Speaker 3 (42:28):
People just don't have like Chelsea handler confidence, so they're like,
give that to me.
Speaker 1 (42:32):
You know, it's not confidence, it's that I don't care,
you know what I mean long enough to make a choice.
I'm just like, let's go keep moving. Oh so, if
you haven't checked out my opening dates in Vegas, check
them out. They're on my website Chelseahandler dot com. We
announced four dates in Vegas plus my all my other
cities that I'm coming to get your tickets to Chelseahandler
dot com before this tour finally fucking wraps up. We're
gonna take a quick break, Paul, put your coffee down,
(42:53):
what you're on camera. We're gonna take a break, and
Paul w and I are going to have We're gonna
be back.
Speaker 3 (43:04):
We're back, all right. Our last email comes from Kim.
She says, Dear Chelsea, I recently went through my first
adult breakup. My wife and I were together for twelve years,
married for seven, and it has been the most difficult
thing I've ever had to grow through. I love a
double life, split between corporate America and being a comedian.
(43:25):
I've been in a love hate relationship with stand up
since two thousand and six, and right before the pandemic,
I co wrote a web series that we finally put
in the festival circuit. I'm considering getting back on stage,
and of course all my stand up friends are like,
you have so much material. Let's just say that the
way my marriage ended is very complicated and involves a hypnotist,
a magician, a clown, and possibly a cult.
Speaker 1 (43:46):
Can we get that hypnotist number for the other caller?
Speaker 3 (43:48):
Well, that's hope, So I don't know if I have
a lifetime original movie on my hands or comedy gold,
but it's something that's the background.
Speaker 2 (43:55):
And here's the dilemma.
Speaker 3 (43:56):
My AX asked me to keep some information about our
breakup on the DL because it could affect her career.
Although I can easily tell jokes and not say her
name directly, things do tend to end up on the Internet,
and people that know us will very quickly put two
and two together. I'm also not sure what protections I
have if I decided to write a script or something
that's quote based on true events. I'm torn between feeling
the need to protect someone that honestly really hurt me
(44:18):
and wanting to dive back into my comedy world and
tell my story Kim.
Speaker 1 (44:22):
I don't know what the legalities around that are, because
I know about writing a book how you have to
change things for people so that no one can recognize
who you're talking about. But you can still talk about
the people things that experiences you've had. You just have
to shroud who that other person is. And I don't
know if just being in front of people who know
that you dated her is enough of a connection that's
(44:46):
still your experience you're not calling her out. You've had
other girlfriends, I'm sure. Well maybe it's been a long time.
It sounded like so maybe not. But I think you
can talk about her without don't say her name. Don't
do that. If somebody asks for privacy, everyone has a
right to privacy, even though I don't respect that, you know,
but I think you should definitely pursue stand up and
(45:06):
see what you've got in this material, because nothing is
funny like tragedy, really nothing. You give anything two weeks
and it is cooked perfectly to bring it out and
start sharing it. So I am a firm believer in
the darker the moment, the funnier, the potential for funny
is greater percent.
Speaker 4 (45:24):
I think that the saddest stuff can be the funniest.
Speaker 5 (45:26):
And also if you have material that I mean, it
sounds pretty rich, that material sounds good. It feels like
you have to do it, especially if the person hurt you.
Speaker 4 (45:34):
I get it.
Speaker 5 (45:35):
We don't wanna, we don't want to expose the person.
That person has a right to privacy. But I don't
know unless you have an hour of material about this
woman who, then you know, you tape a special and
it becomes huge. I don't think it's gonna impact her career.
You know, people you guys have in common might be like, oh,
they had a clown.
Speaker 1 (45:53):
Yeah, exactly. By the time you would would get as
comedy special, you're gonna have had had more girlfriends. So
there's no direct relation. I understand, you've been with someone
for twelve years, so when you say your ex, everyone
knows who knows you, knows who you're talking about, but
not everybody knows who you're talking about. So it is
kind of a murky area. But comics do it all
the time. My whole first set was about my ex
boyfriend finding him cheating on me with not one, but
(46:16):
two women. I added the second one for storytelling purposes.
There was really only one woman, but like I talked
about him for like. That was my first set was
just how walking in on my boyfriend cheating on me?
So you can, I mean, people, that's what everyone is doing.
Taylor Swift just wrote a song about Kim Kardashian and
called it Thank You Amy, and it's about Kim. We
(46:36):
all know it's about Kim Kardashian, So you know, I
would just say keep it. You've never said her name
out loud, don't say it so you don't get yourself
in trouble. But definitely, first you stand up and if
it you know, if you're feeling it and it's vibing,
then then continue. Conversely, if the opposite is true as well,
don't continue. Okay, well, we're gonna wrap up with you.
You're such a cutie pie, Paul w Downs. I had
(46:58):
such a fun time with you today.
Speaker 4 (47:00):
I am is an honor and a pleasure. Thank you
for having me.
Speaker 1 (47:03):
Okay, well, I wish you well. Say hi to my
friends Hannah and Jen Statsky. Tell her I say hello too.
Speaker 4 (47:09):
From childhood, I will indeed, Yeah, I'm tell Gene to
come on.
Speaker 1 (47:13):
Oh yeah, tell Gene. I want her on too. Yes, absolutely,
you have to write apart from me to come on.
So I can either have a love scene with no,
I can't have a love scene. I can't even have
a love scene with a man I once did. I
once had to do a movie and they this is
how bad you guys I was. I once had to
do a movie with this actor and they wanted me
to open mouth kiss him. And I took one look
(47:33):
at this guy and I was like, I can't do that.
You know, like I can't kiss this man. I just won't.
And so I went to the director and I was like,
I know this scene is about us like making out,
but obviously, like let's fake that because I'm not interested
in this. And he's like, well, it's in the script,
like you have to act, and I was like, no, no, no,
it's not happening, like I'm not making out with that kid.
He was like ten years younger than me. It felt
(47:54):
disgusting and it was there was a situation, and I
was like no, no, And then finally I was like
I don't know what to tell you.
Speaker 6 (48:02):
To the director, I I don't know what to tell you.
It's not gonna happen. So finally he's like, okay, well
what can happen? I was like, we could touch arms
and then we're going to turn our back.
Speaker 1 (48:13):
To the camera. No, you don't want to hire me
from everything ever, anything. I'm terrible.
Speaker 4 (48:16):
Well, okay, I'll keep that in Okay, keep that.
Speaker 1 (48:18):
In mind, keep my behavior in mine. I would love
to thank you so much, Paul w We love you.
Speaker 4 (48:24):
Thank you, I love you.
Speaker 1 (48:25):
Everyone tuned in to season three of Haacks if you
haven't seen it already, it's streaming on Max. Okay, So
upcoming shows that I have you guys, these are the
places I'm coming in May Prior Lake, Minnesota, Verona, New York, Auckland,
New Zealand, Wellington, New Zealand, Melbourne, Australia, Brisbane and Australia, Sydney, Australia.
We've added second shows to places that have sold out
the first and then I'm gonna be in Hawaii on Maui, Ka,
(48:48):
Hulue and Honolulu. I will be there in July. Also
in July, I'm coming to Niagara Falls on July twenty seventh.
I'm coming to Hollywood, Florida for my only show in
Florida on July twenty eighth. I'll be in Auburn, Washington
on August first, and then Santa Rosa, California for my
second show August second. And then I'm coming to Atlantic City.
MATEO o'line and I are co headlining a really fun
(49:11):
show in Atlantic City this summer. August tenth August seventeenth
is the Santa Barbara Bull. You do not want to
miss that. And then I will be all over Maine, Charlotte,
North Carolina, Charleston, South Carolina. I'm coming to Texas. I'm
coming to Saint Louis in Kansas City. I'm coming to Brooklyn,
New York at the Kings Theater on November eighth, and
(49:33):
I have tickets on sale throughout the end of the
year in December, so if you're in a city like
Philadelphia or Bethlehem, or San Diego or New Orleans or Omaha,
check Chelseahandler dot com for tickets.
Speaker 3 (49:47):
Okay, if you'd like advice from Chelsea, shoot us an
email at Dear Chelsea podcast at gmail dot com and
be sure to include your phone number. Dear Chelsea is
edited and engineered by Brad Dickert executive producer Catherine in Law,
and be sure to check out our merch at Chelseahandler
dot com
Hi Catherine, Hi Elsey. I'm in New York City and
I'm swety. I'm a sweaty Betty. I went to the
wrong studio this morning.
Speaker 2 (00:10):
Not your fault.
Speaker 1 (00:11):
I've been all over town, up and downtown. It's only
two o'clock in the afternoon and I've already changed my
underwear twice.
Speaker 2 (00:18):
Great getting a little puma down there.
Speaker 1 (00:19):
It's a little moist over here in New York. Yeah,
So I'm only here for three more days. I'm on
my transition to my work. First I come to New York,
then I go farther east, and then I go farther east.
Speaker 2 (00:31):
That's what we did when we went to New yorka
with you.
Speaker 3 (00:33):
We like stopped in New York and saw some Broadway
shows with a friend, and then we, you know, pieced
out to Spain for a week, which was I know.
Speaker 1 (00:38):
I'm not seeing any Broadway shows this week, but I've
been invited to a couple. But I'm just trying to
pop into my favorite restaurants since i'll be out of
town and see all my friends that i haven't seen.
I like to make my presence known when I am
in town because I'm gone so much. I'll be out
of town for eight weeks now, and Doug is going
to sleep away camp for a month where he's going
to learn how to come when I call him.
Speaker 2 (01:01):
And not beyond everything hopefully.
Speaker 1 (01:03):
Yeah, he's yeah, my baby, my baby, I love my baby.
Speaker 3 (01:07):
Well, I know you'll miss him, but we are very
excited to see you move off to my Orca and
have some fun for a while.
Speaker 1 (01:13):
Yeah, you can tune into my Instagram to watch me
with my nieces and nephews while I'm corrupting them perfection.
I'm reading a book right now called Hamnet.
Speaker 3 (01:21):
I've heard that's good. It's on my little to read list.
Speaker 1 (01:24):
Yeah, I'm halfway through. It's nice. I like things that
are set like centuries ago, so yeah, I have to
you know, m.
Speaker 3 (01:30):
H, I'm reading something right now that's set a couple
centuries ago, and like it's a little bit of like
an unlikable main character, like like that kind of a
witch and a bitch like yeah.
Speaker 1 (01:40):
I like that. Though I know it's not often you
have an unlikable main character, but I yeah, sometimes prefer that.
Speaker 3 (01:45):
Yeah, it's called Fine Shade with a y Chelsea.
Speaker 2 (01:49):
We have a very fun guest day.
Speaker 1 (01:50):
Who oh my god, I'm excited. He's so ridiculous.
Speaker 3 (01:54):
He's so funny, and tonight is the season finale of.
Speaker 1 (01:57):
His show, season finale of Hacks. Everybody, he created Hacks,
which is a great show with Jean Smart and Hannah
einbeinder On Max and our friend and guest today is
the person responsible for it? Well, he and his wife
are responsible for it and bestie and bestie. Yeah, oh
that's right, him and his wife and their best friend.
(02:18):
They're a threatfle Please welcome Paul W Downs. Oh my god,
you're so ridiculous. Paul W have you ever been on
a zoom before? We have what aren't you? Aren't you
a showrunner?
Speaker 4 (02:30):
I am, but we don't usually have echo issues.
Speaker 1 (02:33):
Just to fill our listeners in, Paul W went from
his closet or some sort of bunker and it was
all it was all wood, so there was an echo.
And then we told him he had maybe if we
could get into bed or something. He didn't want to
do that. We offered you to get into bed, and
instead you went around the corner into some is this
(02:54):
a birthing room that you're in? Now?
Speaker 4 (02:56):
This is a bedroom. This is the bedroom. There is
a bed, but here's the thing. It's a laptop, so
I have to hold the laptop.
Speaker 1 (03:00):
I'm like, oh no, no, no, no, I just want
me to be as comfortable as possible, because great, you're
stressing me out.
Speaker 4 (03:07):
Oh no, don't get stressed.
Speaker 1 (03:09):
Paul congratulations on season three of the Very Funny, very
Successful Hacks on HBO. Max. Well we call it Max now, right, Yeah,
I suppose so legally we must, Yeah, yes, we must.
How has this experience been because Okay, to fill our
listeners in, Paul writes with his wife Lucia. Lucia and
(03:30):
you guys came up with this, right, we did.
Speaker 5 (03:32):
We came up with it with our very best friend,
Jen Statsky, who's our our third showrunner.
Speaker 1 (03:38):
Okay, right, I have a very good friend from high
school named Jen Satsky.
Speaker 4 (03:42):
No way, yeah, So, and did you go to high
school in New Jersey?
Speaker 1 (03:45):
I did Livingston High School. So tell Jen.
Speaker 4 (03:47):
I'm from New Jersey. My parents are from Randolph and Dover.
Speaker 3 (03:50):
Yeah.
Speaker 5 (03:50):
First, all I should say I should have started with
huge fans. But also I've always thought you could be
in my family. You just I just get the vibe
you'd fit right in.
Speaker 1 (04:00):
Yeah, I'm very I'm a very Jersey girl at heart.
That's really where the edge of the edges come. Yeah,
so are you right?
Speaker 4 (04:06):
I'm a Jersey girl too. Yeah.
Speaker 1 (04:08):
Would you compare yourself to Snookie at all?
Speaker 4 (04:10):
No, I'm not a snooky.
Speaker 5 (04:11):
I'm more of Martha Stewart. I gotta say, you pick
a Jersey girl that I feel is yeah, I.
Speaker 1 (04:17):
Do too, because she's got the right amount of bitch.
Well she's got an extra amount of bitch, which I respect.
Speaker 4 (04:22):
I do too.
Speaker 1 (04:23):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (04:24):
I got heavy on the bitch and light on the
duck face.
Speaker 1 (04:28):
She's light on the pleasant trees. Yeah, she doesn't care.
She doesn't have time. Every time I see her, she's like,
who are you with, Chelsea? Who brought who's your plus one?
That's all she cares about. And I'm like, yeah, I
like I like that. She cuts to the chase, like
I don't want to say it's so hot today either
to anyone, you know. Yeah, it's embarrassing. Okay, So tell
us because I know that you said you said you
(04:49):
were quoted as saying that women are funnier than men.
Speaker 4 (04:52):
Well, yeah, I do.
Speaker 1 (04:54):
That's a good thing for men to start saying, you know,
just start practicing that agreed, and is that why you
wanted to do a sh show senator on a female comedian.
Speaker 5 (05:01):
Yes, we were talking about how my first, the first
live stand up show, like real stand up show I
ever saw was Paula Pundstone in Morriston, New Jersey, and
there were just like so many stand ups that we
were talking about that never got the same du that
a ton of their male counterparts did. And we were
just like, it's interesting, especially, you know, because I met
(05:22):
my wife and Jen in New York at the UCB
and we were like, you know, part of that alt
comedy scene, which also.
Speaker 1 (05:28):
Are you I'm sorry, are you guys a throutble?
Speaker 4 (05:30):
We're not atle sexually? We do not. The three of
us don't have sex.
Speaker 1 (05:34):
Okay, just checking, I'm just clarifying, But that's good to know.
So is Jen Does she have a partner slash lover?
Speaker 4 (05:41):
She does? She has a husband actually.
Speaker 1 (05:43):
Okay, because that's very relevant to this conversation.
Speaker 4 (05:45):
She does have a husband.
Speaker 5 (05:47):
He would probably be fine if we, you know, became sexual,
but we're.
Speaker 1 (05:50):
Not, okay, which we're not. Don't count your chickens before
they hatch. You never know what's down on the Pike.
Speaker 4 (05:56):
That's exactly right, especially right way.
Speaker 1 (05:58):
But I like the way I used it.
Speaker 5 (06:01):
I did too, I did too, So not a throtfle
but yeah, we we just were like in this all
comedy scene also where there was a little bit of
like what's cool comedy, what's not cool comedy? You know,
and we were interested in exploring what it was like
for like a younger comedian who maybe thought someone like
Debora Vance was a hack not a cool comedy person,
(06:23):
what it would be like for her to understand like
all of the all of the indignities that person suffered
to like pave the way for other comedians like her.
So when we thought of it, we wrote an email
to each other that was just like the log line
of the show, and we could not stop thinking about
it anytime we hung it out, we talked about it.
Speaker 1 (06:41):
I mean, it is such a great idea for a
show to look at something that way. I would have
thought in the opposite direction, like to prove this tough,
tough bad guy was like really did have a heart.
But that's also part of the story too with gens
Smarts character, right.
Speaker 4 (06:54):
Yeah, a very person.
Speaker 1 (06:56):
Yeah, it's like a like a love affair between Hannah
and Jean Smart.
Speaker 5 (07:00):
It is a love affair, and we actually talk about
it that way. We talk about the thaw all the time.
Speaker 4 (07:05):
Ah goe, Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1 (07:07):
So you did. You never did stand up when you
were at UCB.
Speaker 4 (07:10):
I did do stand up. I did. I did mostly
sketch an improv, but I did do stand up.
Speaker 5 (07:13):
And actually it was because I did stand up and
I found it a lonely and b like what I
was doing was like a lot of like character.
Speaker 4 (07:19):
I would often be.
Speaker 5 (07:20):
Like, hey, I have some tech, and people at clubs
would be like what. And now I feel like there's
a lot of tech in stand up, Like you go
to a show and it's like power points and tons
of stuff.
Speaker 4 (07:29):
But I don't know it just it didn't feel like
the right place.
Speaker 1 (07:32):
I don't know what you're fucking talking about. I have
never seen a PowerPoint presentation at a stand up show.
I mean, I understand differentiation between alternative and stand up
because Hanna is alternative. I would describe Hanna as comedy
as alternative, which I just did in an article at
the Wall Street Journal or something like that for her,
because because she is alternative, like she has tech.
Speaker 4 (07:52):
Yes, she does have tech. That's right, she does. That's
a great Yes, she did a perfect example of it.
Speaker 1 (07:56):
Paul W. Do you think Hannah's character is written after
you is like loosely based on you.
Speaker 4 (08:02):
No, She's the closest to Jen and the reason.
Speaker 5 (08:05):
I mean, there is parts of myself and Lucia and
Jen in the character, and also parts of us at
Deborah as well.
Speaker 4 (08:12):
Again, I'm a Martha.
Speaker 5 (08:13):
Stewart, and I feel like the biggest similarity is that
Jen Early, when Twitter was like just popping off, she
became very successful on Twitter. I do know, can you
be successful? A lot of people followed her, and she
got hired essentially. I mean, she had a great packet,
I'm sure, but she was hired to write for Jimmy Fallon,
and I think part of her discovery was because she
(08:33):
was so well liked her comedy. Her jokes were so
good on Twitter, So that part of the origin story
of the character.
Speaker 4 (08:40):
Is borrowed from Jen's life. But there's a little bit
of all of us in that.
Speaker 1 (08:42):
Yeah. I mean, it's nice to have a team of
three when you're doing anything creative because that gives you
two heads to bounce ideas off of, so you can
really like check the box of you know, because sometimes
when you're working with yourself, you always have to bounce
it off of someone else before you can put it
live or write it down. Because I do. Actually that's
not true. I don't, but I but I do. Sometimes
(09:04):
I do. If I'm like on the fence about something
I know, bounce it off a couple of people to
get the reaction. All I usually need is one confirmation.
I'm like, I was right, that's funny, you know. Yeah,
you say it out loud to see if there's a reaction,
and if there's not, you walk away, you know, with
your head between your legs.
Speaker 5 (09:20):
Right or like me, because I've continued to do stand
up to a certain degree, not enough to be maybe
considered one. But I will keep doing a bit that
doesn't work. If I feel like it works for you,
truly yours, I just keep doing it.
Speaker 1 (09:32):
I'm like, I think that's funny. If I do something
twice and two times it doesn't work, I don't do
it again.
Speaker 4 (09:38):
That's probably the way to do it.
Speaker 1 (09:40):
No, I don't think there are any rules to anything.
There really aren't the goal I think for every creative
And you tell me if you disagree in any way
is to be confident in their with they're creating. To
have confidence in your creative ability. And when you're confident
in what you're creating like that, you can smell that,
and when you're not, you can smell it. So if
you're on stage doing something that doesn't work and you're
(10:01):
confident about it, it will still work.
Speaker 4 (10:03):
Right. Yeah, I think that's true.
Speaker 5 (10:04):
I don't lose an audience because I think it's funny.
It does tickle me, and I do think that's something that.
Speaker 1 (10:08):
Please use that expression on this podcast, that it tickles you. No,
it's like that's a personal request.
Speaker 4 (10:17):
Oh good to know. You don't like to be tickled?
Speaker 1 (10:18):
No, I don't. I don't like that. I don't like
the word tickle. I find it very molesty. You know,
get a tickle. It's like, no, thank you, I'm not
coming to get a tickle. Or tickle your fancy is
another expression that I could do without, but I use
it all the time in spite of it because it's
so stupid. This might tickle your fancy, but it's evocative.
(10:42):
It's very evocative.
Speaker 4 (10:43):
But no, I think you're right.
Speaker 5 (10:44):
You have to be confident and you have to enjoy
it yourself. That's one of the things that having three
of us it is good because we're so confident because
if we can make one of the other three laugh,
My favorite audience are the two of them, and so
we're constantly trying to make each other laugh. But it's
also great because we have a tiebreaker, So that's also
there's a really good part of the three in creative
(11:04):
collaboration because of that too.
Speaker 1 (11:06):
So you guys want a bunch of Emmys. You went
on your honeymoon, Is this correct, and then you flew
back straight to the Emmys.
Speaker 5 (11:11):
Yeah, well, we we weirdly because because of when the
Emmys were happening, we did our honeymoon before our wedding,
so we got married.
Speaker 4 (11:19):
I mean, the truth, the true story is this.
Speaker 1 (11:21):
We don't know if I could get it up to
do that, like do it in reverse, I might oh,
or maybe I would do the honeymoon and then leave
before the marriage.
Speaker 5 (11:28):
It was great to do in reverse because I'm like, no, well,
we we actually found out like eleven days before our
honeymoon that she was two months pregnant, which we did
not plan.
Speaker 1 (11:37):
The baby, and the baby was yours and.
Speaker 4 (11:39):
The baby was mine as far as I know.
Speaker 1 (11:41):
Okay, Well, obviously that's something to look into, m hm.
Speaker 5 (11:44):
So we went on our honeymoon, we got married, and
then we came back and like four days later were
the Emmys.
Speaker 4 (11:49):
So it was a really crazy month.
Speaker 1 (11:50):
And then you won Emmys. How many Emmys did you
win that night?
Speaker 4 (11:54):
I only won one? Did she had to do that night?
Gene won one?
Speaker 5 (11:58):
I mean there were there were there were a few
emis for the show, but I personally took home one.
Speaker 1 (12:02):
Let's talk about Jeane Smart. Tell me about your experience
with because Jean Smart lost her husband at the beginning
of this series. I remember Handa was telling me that
and then she had this huge resurgence at the same time,
which I find those things kind of coincide in people's
lives all the time, right, there could be a big
loss and then there could be like a major shift
in a different area. So tell us about choosing Jean
(12:25):
Smart for the role, Like, how did you decide?
Speaker 5 (12:27):
Well, we wrote the part without anybody in mind, and
we had written the script and we made a list
of people that we thought would be good for it,
and she was honestly at the top of the list
because we wanted someone who could do like that her
heartfelt moments in the show, more dramatic parts, but also
we needed her to be a believable stand up and
deliver a joke. And there's not a ton of women
that are that age that we thought would be perfect
(12:48):
for it, and so we sent it to her and
she met with us and said, you know, I always
wanted to be a stand up. When I was twelve,
everyone was mermaid or a princess, and I dressed as
philis Diller and none of the other kids got it.
But she's like, I've always wanted to do that. So
it's weirdly kismet. And then a lot of weird kismet
stuff kept happening.
Speaker 1 (13:07):
Like what else tell us? I like, will your weird
kismet chit?
Speaker 6 (13:09):
You know?
Speaker 5 (13:10):
When Jean's husband passed, we sent her flowers and they
were her wedding flowers, and she's like, it's so weird.
How would you have known that anemonees were my wedding
flower And we had sent heed that and were just
like a weird coincs. But there kept being these things
that She's like, when we would write the script, she'd
be like, do you know I was obsessed with Christmas
and be like, no, we don't really know you that well,
we're just starting the season, you know, we But there
was a lot of things that were written into the
(13:30):
show that she was like, this is as if you
live in my house or you know, there's just a
bunch of stuff that felt weird, you know, felt weirdly
like it was it was a destined thing.
Speaker 4 (13:39):
She was meant for it.
Speaker 1 (13:40):
But yeah, your character is so fucking funny. You and Meghan.
Oh my god, Megan is so ridiculous. I mean, does
she ever say anything serious? I'm like, every time I
see her, I'm like, are you in character? Or are
you I'm like, is this your a real person?
Speaker 5 (13:54):
He's always on, She's always on. But I have gotten
some serious moments from her. And actually you'll see the
season she plays some serious moments in the show.
Speaker 1 (14:02):
Oh, I don't know if I'm ready for that.
Speaker 5 (14:04):
I gotta tell you what she's making She's making me
cry in the scene season three, it's the finale, it's
season three.
Speaker 4 (14:09):
She was so good. I was moved and during it
it was crazy. She's great.
Speaker 1 (14:13):
Yeah, that's okay, that's enough about that. Now, how do
you know when you are writing something and you're starring
in it. I always am curious about directing and starring
in your own stuff. How do you know when it's
actually serving the purpose, like serving the script versus just
serving your own role and and expansion of it. Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 5 (14:35):
I think because being a writer on the show, like
writing the show, I think I care so much more
about the story than my part in the show that
oftentimes I'm like, we can lose, we can lose that
scene of Jimmy. I honestly often am like the one
who's I just cut that, And luckily I have these
other people who are like, no, keep it in. That
was a funny scene. We got to keep it in.
But when I'm when I'm directing, I mostly direct episodes
(14:56):
that Jimmy isn't really in because I find that hard too.
I'm like, I how you do a whole movie where
you're the leader of the movie and directing the movie,
and like, what do you watch playback every five minutes?
And it seems or you're in a scene you're like,
can we just what I need you to do?
Speaker 4 (15:09):
You know, in your director but.
Speaker 1 (15:11):
You're writing, directing, and starring in this that's a lot.
I didn't realize you were also directing.
Speaker 4 (15:17):
Yeah, I direct only a handful of the episodes.
Speaker 1 (15:20):
All right, we get it, we get it. You're a director,
you don't have to get defense.
Speaker 2 (15:24):
And a showrunner.
Speaker 4 (15:25):
Well, no, I'm saying, I don't direct that many. I don't.
I don't even. I dabble, I dabble.
Speaker 1 (15:30):
We have fun, and how does that work? Let me
tell I want to know about like being with your spouse,
working together, living together, how how does that vibe work?
You have a kid now, so we do, and obviously
you have to have help because if you're both working,
we do we do. Whenever I think of a couple
working together, I envisioned doctor Phil with his wife and
the audience and think, what don't you have anything to do?
(15:52):
You know? Like why is she sitting there listening to
her fucking husband? Like, get, that's an hour she could
get away from him, and she's choosing to go and
listen to him. Rant But I think, I guess I'm
going to answer my own question here. But then I
want you to elaborate, Paul W. Because working together with
a spouse in a creative space must be very stimulating, right,
Like more stimulate, like being able to carry your work
(16:15):
home with you when it is creative isn't as onerous
as it is to carry your work home with you
if you're a CPA or something exactly.
Speaker 4 (16:22):
We are in a way.
Speaker 5 (16:25):
We're always working, but we're never working because even when
we're together and we're at a restaurant and we see
a waitress who's like doing something fun, We're like, this
is this is a scene?
Speaker 4 (16:33):
You know what I mean?
Speaker 5 (16:33):
We're constantly collecting material, but also we're never really bored
because we always have something. And the thing is, because
we also work on comedy together. It's about trying to
make the other person laugh. So again, it's not like
being a CPA or even doing something dramatic. I'm like,
you know, we're not bringing home some true crime murder story,
you know, and thinking about the directing of that.
Speaker 4 (16:52):
We're we're thinking about a better.
Speaker 1 (16:53):
Joke or directing the Ashley Madison documentary. Is that what
you were thinking.
Speaker 4 (16:57):
Of saying, Yeah, we're not doing that.
Speaker 1 (16:59):
We're such a beautiful documentary, and what about like because
it's very heartwarming the show, and so I'm always wondering,
like the line, because I like I would always err
on the side of hard comedy, and this is this
is I wouldn't say hard comedy, right, I wouldn't say that.
I would say that it's comedy. But there's a lot
of heart, I guess from Gene. Sometimes it can be
(17:20):
hard comedy. How do you tell the line, like, what's
the most important for you and your storytelling vision and
what's the most important for the show?
Speaker 4 (17:28):
Funny first? I mean it is.
Speaker 5 (17:30):
It is in our minds a comedy and so we're
always always making sure that it's funny first.
Speaker 4 (17:35):
But whether that just be the scene or the dialogue.
Speaker 5 (17:38):
And we do have this kind of cheat code because
Gene plays a stand up so we get to like
write not only stand up jokes for it, but also like,
you know, she's a person that makes jokes constantly.
Speaker 4 (17:47):
She's constantly joking. She's constantly ribbing Ava and Ava's throwing
it back.
Speaker 5 (17:50):
Like we get to write jokes, which I think when
you see a comedy where people, you know whatever work
in a hospital and then they're slinging jokes, you're like, well,
if feels written, because right, people are not professional Canadians
who are really fun.
Speaker 4 (18:04):
I'm not saying that.
Speaker 1 (18:05):
You've never met a funny phlebotomist.
Speaker 4 (18:08):
You know, I haven't. I don't think i've met.
Speaker 1 (18:09):
It only took me two tries to get phlebotomists out
of my mouth.
Speaker 4 (18:12):
That was good, that was and that's a funny word.
Speaker 1 (18:14):
I'm assuming that you've had therapy in your life, right,
You've been to therapy, you have. It's impossible to live
in la and be in this industry and not go
to therapy. It's like the gateway drug to therapy is
being in Hollywood. You have to go to therapy at
some point if you've lived there. Okay, Well, we're going
to take a break and then we're gonna come back
and we're going to answer some callers questions. Okay, Paul
w Okay, we'll be right back this week.
Speaker 3 (18:40):
We'd love to get questions from anyone with parenting questions
or step parenting questions. We'd also like to hear from
any trans or non binary folks who would like invice
from Chelsea, whether that be about friendships, dating, work issues,
or anything else. Right into Dear Chelsea Podcast at gmail dot.
Speaker 1 (18:56):
Com, and we're back with Paul W. Downs Hell and
how there's no relation to the other the zillions of
Paul downs out there, right, because I was assuming that
W had to be put in there.
Speaker 5 (19:06):
Yeah, well I do have I mean, I have a
relationship to my dad, but if I didn't have a W,
he might collect a residual, which is not good.
Speaker 4 (19:13):
You know, it's good at me.
Speaker 1 (19:14):
Are you in any way related to George W. Bush?
Speaker 5 (19:17):
No, No, it's not the way at least you know
keyword for me.
Speaker 1 (19:22):
But you know I was just asking, just you know,
I ask every guest.
Speaker 3 (19:26):
Yes, our first question comes from l She says, to
your Chelsea, I'm writing to ask you about how to
approach a prenup. My fiance is a self made millionaire
and has two kids. I've always known that there will
be a prenup eventually, but I feel like the expectations
are always changing. None of this is very romantic, and
I hate going through this process. I don't want the
(19:47):
money he made before we were together, but having said that,
I want to stand.
Speaker 1 (19:51):
Up for my lot more money.
Speaker 3 (19:53):
I have no kids, I'm almost a decade younger, and
I've had a successful career. But it feels like since
we're starting a partner ship, I should have a somewhat
equal share in what happens going forward. How do you
recommend handling money matters like this in a couple?
Speaker 1 (20:07):
L Oh, god, prenups. Sorry, yeah, that is I don't
know the legalities around a prenup because I'm smart enough
to never have been married. Paul, w what about you?
You're married?
Speaker 4 (20:16):
I am married. I don't have a prenup.
Speaker 1 (20:18):
Okay, well you need to get one, even though you
guys share the same job.
Speaker 4 (20:22):
We gotta do. I know, that's the thing.
Speaker 1 (20:23):
I'm like, that's gonna be a tricky No, you can
get a post up. Actually, that is a thing. People
do do that or they re they they renegotiate their
prenup once they're down the road, like five or ten years,
Like who's counting. Obviously they are because they're like, all
right now it's time for this to you know, mature.
But I would say, first of all, you need an
attorney that is going to have your best interests in mind.
(20:46):
You can't rely on your fiance's attorney to have your
best interests. That is not a thing. They don't have
your best interests, they have his best interests. So you
have to just find a lawyer, and find a female lawyer.
I would say to help negotiate your terms, and you're
absolutely right. If you're gonna move in and be a partnership,
then it should be more of a partnership. But yeah,
you're no way entitled to anything that he made before
(21:06):
that or any of the money that has set aside
for his children.
Speaker 4 (21:09):
I think that's right.
Speaker 5 (21:10):
I think it's like, okay, we just make terms that
you guys are a partnership from that point forward.
Speaker 4 (21:15):
I think that's right.
Speaker 1 (21:15):
I was once engaged very quietly too with someone, and
as soon as I heard about the prenup, I was like,
we're not doing this. It was my from my business managers.
Once I heard about what would be entailed, what it
would entail, I was like, never mind, I'm not even
going to have the problem to ever have to deal with.
Speaker 4 (21:34):
I will say, our business manager did recommend a prenup
and we did not do it.
Speaker 1 (21:37):
Yeah, there are those people. You must have thought you
were really in love at that time, Paul w.
Speaker 4 (21:42):
Well, we had been together for like fifteen years.
Speaker 1 (21:44):
That's a long time. Fifteen years. So now you've been
together twenty years, No, eighteen years, no, like seventeen seventeen. Okay,
my math is sometimes a little bit off.
Speaker 4 (21:53):
Mine is off too. I don't.
Speaker 5 (21:54):
I'm like, this is kind of an approximation, you know, yeah,
it was great anyway.
Speaker 1 (21:57):
Well, lengths of time, durations of time is always in an approximation.
People are like, when did your mother die? I'm like,
I don't know. It could have been a year ago,
it could have been ten years ago. I have no
sense of time.
Speaker 4 (22:06):
Right right, right, especially, I have very bad memory too.
Speaker 1 (22:09):
Oh, you have a really bad memory. A lot of
guys have bad memories. It's impressive when you meet a
guy with good memory. I sometimes have a good one,
sometimes a bad one. It depends how much product spoke
that day.
Speaker 3 (22:17):
But yeah, yeah, I think that's really good advice for Elle,
Like get your own attorney because it's not a romantic
thing and it needs to just like not be your manic.
Speaker 1 (22:25):
And you shouldn't even discuss it with your husband to
just don't even discuss it. Let that lawyers deal with it.
People are there to do those jobs, so you don't
have to do them. Do not get involved. It will
get much more unromantic if you do exactly.
Speaker 4 (22:40):
Yeah, keep the boundary, Yeah, and talk about money.
Speaker 1 (22:41):
Is always an ugly conversation. It's an uncomfortable conversation. If
you need it, it's a desperate conversation. If you have it,
you know, it's just always like sticky.
Speaker 3 (22:51):
Yeah, So there you go. L Our first color today
is Bree. She is thirty seven and she's a therapist,
your Chelsea Pie. I'm a lesbian in my mid thirties
who's worked for the last ten years as both a
child behavioral therapist and a family therapist. It can be
a very difficult and very rewarding job, and I love it.
At home, I have a wife who I've been with
(23:12):
since our early twenties. We have a beautiful four year
old daughter and are on the verge of trying for
another child. We have a wonderful marriage, she's my best friend,
my writer die and ninety percent of the time things
are great. Parenting is where it gets tricky. She's the
one who carried our daughter and has always been a
mama bear by nature, while I'm also a mom. I
often take the quote dad roles when parenting. Our daughter
(23:36):
has a special bond with my wife, which is great,
but sometimes it leaves me feeling a little left out.
And as much as I love my job, it feels
like it's working against me sometimes at home. While my
wife and I often parent cohesively, will occasionally disagree with
some parenting decisions. Unfortunately, whenever I disagree with her opinion,
she automatically says that I'm being too clinical. I try
(23:56):
not to use professional language for this reason, and I
do think I do a pretty good job. Needless to say,
anytime we have a parenting disagreement, her opinion always wins,
and she disqualifies mine due to my profession. My wife
struggles with a lot of insecurity, and I can see
some of the same traits developing in our daughter. I've
tried to explain that there are things we can do
as parents to build our daughter's self confidence, but my
(24:18):
words fall on deaf ears and she does get defensive.
I've suggested seeing a family therapist ourselves, but she revealed
to me that she doesn't believe in therapy, which is
a whole other dilemma. No, is it better for me
to back down and go along with her instincts as
a mom, sometimes against my better judgment and training. Am
I really letting my career blur my natural parenting?
Speaker 1 (24:40):
Bree oh Hi Brie Hi Hi This is our special
guest today, Paul W. Downs. Hi, Hi, Hi. That's so
it's not funny, but it's very funny that your that's
like being a ghostbuster and having your spouse not believe
in ghosts. That's fucked up.
Speaker 7 (24:59):
Yeah, it's been challenging.
Speaker 1 (25:01):
People cannot not be open to therapy, Like that's just
so stupid to say you need a parenting counselor somebody
who can talk to both of you because it's not
cool that she's disagreeing with you. You guys are supposed to
be on the same team.
Speaker 7 (25:13):
Yeah, And I you know, I think a lot of
it had to do with the fact that when I
when our daughter was first born, you know, I'm not
great with newborns. That was did not come nationally to me.
I was awkward, I fumbled around a lot, and I
think she sort of panicked and pulled back. And you know,
my expertise is really from five and above, and so
I think she was like, you know what we're done.
(25:34):
I'm going to make the decisions and you can be
over here.
Speaker 1 (25:38):
Okay, Well that's that you can't be relegated to like
a second in command. A I wouldn't worry about that.
It's people bond with children at different ages, Like, don't
worry about not bonding to the same level when she
was an infant. Is your daughter, Yeah, daughter, and don't
worry about that. You're gonna have your own bonding with
her at whatever age it's going to happen. That always
shakes itself out. But your wife seems to be the
(25:59):
bigger issue you, which is you have to get her
to understand that she doesn't get to decide. She's not
the only parent in this unit. This family unit has
two parents, and she's dominating.
Speaker 7 (26:11):
Yeah, and she's never dominated in anything before. I've always
been that kind of person too. She has been like, oh,
I'm going I'm good with whatever. I make all the
decisions for a lot of things, which can be frustrating
because I love a back and forth. And so now
she's like, you know what, I've never done anything and
made any decisions. Now I'm going to stand up for
myself and make all these decisions. And you know, it's
hard to argue with that, but I'd like to be
(26:33):
a role in my daughter's life.
Speaker 1 (26:35):
And you have every right to be a role in
your daughter's life. So like, yeah, that's the most important thing.
It's not about who's right or who's wrong. It's about
both being open to listening to each other's opinions.
Speaker 4 (26:45):
You do family therapy, right.
Speaker 7 (26:46):
Yeah, I'm a family therapist and a child behavioral therapist.
Speaker 4 (26:49):
Yeah. Okay, So what would you say.
Speaker 5 (26:53):
I'm like, you know, I'm like, this is so hard
because you're you're in it. But this is past, this
is hard.
Speaker 7 (27:02):
I mean, the immediate thought that would come to mind
for me is there's clearly some trust issues on her end,
in terms she did have a very traumatic childhood. There
is a lot of trust background issues there. She doesn't
believe in therapy because she doesn't trust the process. She
doesn't trust that someone a stranger could help her with
what she experienced, and she doesn't trust other people to
(27:24):
help make big decisions like myself for our daughter. And
at first, before we had a child, it was easier
because you know, it was just the two of us,
and now there's a whole human life here that is
impacting our ability to trust each other basically, So that
would be my first thought is there's some trust building
to have to occur here, but I don't know how
(27:47):
to do.
Speaker 1 (27:47):
It well, especially with what you just said earlier, which
is that you made all the decisions until this and
you're a child psychologist or behavioral list and so she's
looking at you like, oh no, no, no, this is
another thing you're going to dominate. And now she's stepping
in and going, no, I'm going to take this role.
So yes, with that information, with everything you said, that
sounds pretty kind of textbook. So you should be able
(28:09):
to handle this without us.
Speaker 4 (28:15):
How old is How old is she your daughter? Not
your wife?
Speaker 1 (28:17):
She's four and a half now and a half.
Speaker 4 (28:20):
Okay, yeah, you're about to get to your expertise.
Speaker 7 (28:23):
Yes, and you know I'd love another child, but I
don't want to go through all this over again.
Speaker 1 (28:28):
Okay, well you have to get into therapy together. She
can't that. That attitude isn't going to be good for
your marriage or your relationship or your family dynamic. So
you've got to really work on that and work on that.
Do you see someone?
Speaker 4 (28:41):
Ah?
Speaker 7 (28:41):
Yes, I do.
Speaker 1 (28:42):
Well talk to your person about that. I mean, I
know you're trying to talk to us about it, but
you should also talk to your person and see what
they say, Like, what is an organic way for you
to bring her in where she doesn't feel threatened and
she doesn't feel it's about her, and you can organically
bring the conversation in around whatever the pretense of her
coming to therapy, which is you want to make sure
that you're staying connected. Maybe you don't feel so connected
(29:03):
to her.
Speaker 7 (29:04):
Yeah, that's true, Oka.
Speaker 1 (29:05):
And I don't think you go in saying like staking
your claim of what you think you're missing. I think
you go in like, I want us to be more
unified as parents, and I want to be closer to
you and acknowledge the closeness she has with your daughter
without sounding like it's a threat, you know what I mean, Like,
it's so great the way that you've stepped in. It
(29:26):
makes my life. It's so nice to know she's in
such safe hands. You know that obviously it's her mother,
but still, like people need to hear those things, you know,
and that's usually where the insecurity lies. It's like this
deep rooted fear that you're not doing a good enough
job at whatever it is you're doing.
Speaker 4 (29:43):
Right, I think you've hit.
Speaker 7 (29:44):
The nail on the head there with her. I think
that you're absolutely right. She would respond much better to
a positive approach there instead of in the past we
would just combat. I would say why am I not
allowed you in on this? And she would get defensive.
So I think that's absolutely right.
Speaker 2 (29:58):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (29:58):
Yeah, with people who get to fend if, it's just
like you have to like pour love over them over
and over and over again until they just melt and
give up.
Speaker 4 (30:05):
Yeah.
Speaker 5 (30:06):
It's almost like you want to say, can you come
to my session because I want you to help me
with this thing. Yeah, exactly, I'm feeling sad about this thing,
and maybe you can shed some light on the situation
with my therapist. Like, you know, if you make it
more about what you need and not what they need
to change, that might be helpful. And I think that's right.
It's just about like being like, you're so great at
(30:27):
all these things. Sometimes I don't feel what you know.
I do feel like sometimes people do the counterbalance, they
do the end of the yang, and it's like it
might be the case that she's like, no, you're great,
you're a great parent. You also studied this, he went
to school for it, and you know me, I do
believe in it.
Speaker 1 (30:42):
Absolutely, But you could still feel inadequate within a relationship,
and that's a good descriptor to use for the way
you feel to her, because that makes it, you know,
it's not aggressive.
Speaker 7 (30:53):
Yeah, And I think there was also that second layer
for me if I was I'm not a blood parent,
and so I was already feeling insignificant that I didn't
have the same role in my daughter's life with that
whole second parent but not blood parent situation. So that
really haunted me for a while as well. I'm working
on that.
Speaker 3 (31:11):
When you know, you said that you're thinking about another child,
are you? Is she going to carry again and use
her own eggs and everything?
Speaker 8 (31:18):
Yeah?
Speaker 7 (31:18):
Yeah, so same situations, full blood seidling.
Speaker 1 (31:22):
You're having honest feelings about that reservations, right, you said, yeah, yeah,
so you got to like get this. It's gonna be fine.
You just have to get her to a place where
you have to really come from a place where you're
sharing it with her rather than prescribing it to her.
Speaker 4 (31:38):
Yeah.
Speaker 7 (31:38):
Absolutely, you know, I'm just navigating both her and being
you know, a same sex couple with same parenting, which
we don't have a lot of examples to pull from,
so we're sort of making it up on the fly.
Speaker 1 (31:49):
Just follow Brandy Carlyle on Instagram. She and her wife
seem to make it work, even though Brandy Carlyle is
on can you join a band on tour that seems
to be a great Can you start doing stand up?
Most people don't know? Okay, well, good luck with everything
(32:12):
and keep us posted. Let us know. If that works
out and you get her to come to therapy.
Speaker 7 (32:16):
Awesome, Maybe I'll get her to come here and get
therapy for me.
Speaker 3 (32:21):
Bring her on.
Speaker 1 (32:21):
Yeah, we are looking for couples. I'm not fucking joking.
I like talking to couples. So if you could get
her to do it, we'll set it up all right.
Speaker 7 (32:30):
Thank you guys so much.
Speaker 1 (32:37):
Paul, do you defer to your wife about your child,
about your parenting like or does she defer to you
who's in charge?
Speaker 5 (32:44):
I think it depends on the moment. I feel like
we both we both have our thoughts. I mean, sometimes
it differs, but it's it's so it's so minor. It's
usually around like should we keep them up in the
car before you know what I mean.
Speaker 4 (32:55):
It's stuff like that.
Speaker 5 (32:56):
But I get what we was saying about, even because
I feel like dads feel this way too, even if
there are blood related it it's like, well they didn't.
Speaker 4 (33:01):
Carry the child.
Speaker 5 (33:02):
They also didn't if they if the child was breastflite,
they didn't brestfeed, And there's like a bond that happens there.
And in the beginning, dad, the dad is kind of
like the butler, not you know, he's just like making
sure everybody has the things, but not really doing as much.
Speaker 4 (33:13):
So I do get that. I get what Breeze is
talking about.
Speaker 1 (33:17):
Yeah, I would definitely, like I even hearing it, like
there's one birth parent and then there's one, so you're
assuming a male role almost because you're like the dad
or a traditional male role. But I would feel that
like if I was in a lesbian relationship and my
wife carried the baby, I'd be like, all right, one am,
I allowed man out. It's like how you feel after
a threesome, you know, when you're the extra.
Speaker 3 (33:39):
Just like that, So how Paul W feels every day
in his workplace.
Speaker 1 (33:43):
Paul W always feels post threesome. I could tell. Oh,
by the way, Paul, I just agree to do a
residency in Vegas at the Cosmopolitan once a month.
Speaker 4 (33:52):
I know, congrats. I love that.
Speaker 1 (33:55):
I was inspired by the show No.
Speaker 4 (33:58):
Get Out of here, get out of here.
Speaker 1 (33:59):
I read that you guys spend so much time in Vegas,
so you actually have to live there part time when
you're shooting, right.
Speaker 5 (34:06):
We actually hate to say it. We shoot mostly in
La We're only there for like three days a season.
Speaker 1 (34:10):
Oh okay, okay, that.
Speaker 4 (34:11):
Makes you love.
Speaker 5 (34:12):
We do love the Vegas portion of our shoot. We
love you know, it's so it's it is the show.
So I love Vegas.
Speaker 4 (34:18):
I think it's.
Speaker 1 (34:19):
I love the way her house is in Vegas with
that long drive. I love when a driveway isn't is
too long to be called a driveway and it's just
a drive. It's a drive. That's what I say. Whenever
I go to ted sarandas is the house, it's like
it's a drive, you know, like it's a whole. It
loops around the property and you're like, ooh am, I
never never land.
Speaker 4 (34:38):
I want to go. Everybody knows going I gotta go. Yeah,
I gotta go to Ted.
Speaker 1 (34:41):
The best hosts. Okay. So yeah, I love the way
her comes into her house. I'm like, oh god, that's
the only way you could get anyone to move to
Vegas is to give them some strolling indoor amusement park
for a house, you know, basically like, you have all
the fixings you need here, you don't ever have to
leave because it's fucking hot there.
Speaker 4 (35:00):
Are you going to live there?
Speaker 1 (35:01):
No, no, no doubt. I literally go. I fly. I
perform once a month, so it's like, oh oh, not
like a weekly thing, right. I tried to calculate in
my head how many hours in a row I could
stay in Vegas while also remaining stable. You know what
I mean. I'm not I can't be trusted in areas
like that or Monte Carlo.
Speaker 4 (35:21):
Oh wow, Oh, Monte Carlo will be really fun. I
would see you there.
Speaker 1 (35:25):
I've been dying to throw Monte Carlo into something. Yeah,
what do we have?
Speaker 3 (35:32):
Well, now that we've hit Monte Carlo, our next caller
is Kelly. Kelly is twenty nine and says, Dear Chelsea,
I write to you because I need you to help
me get the hell over a fear. My partner is
a world traveler. It's one of her favorite things. She
would love nothing more than to go somewhere extra cool
with me. I also love to travel and take vacations,
(35:52):
but usually ones I can drive to. You see, I'm
afraid of planes. She and I have been together for
four years now. She's been patient and supportive, but it
has been four years, and I owe it to her
and me to shake it off. I refuse to fly
for about twenty years now. I think my avoidance is
rooted in past experience of turbulence, fear of no exit
(36:13):
or control, a fatal plane crash occurring in a city
my partner was visiting at the time, intrusive thoughts, and
overall anxiety. My therapist is on board to help me
through the plane fear, even via virtual reality. My doctor
has given me at Avan to use on my first
ever adult flight, whenever that may be. In conclusion, I'm
getting good building blocks toward my first flight, but the
(36:34):
thought still horrifies me. I need Chelsea Handler to tell
me to get the hell over it. Maybe tell me
what's so good about flying. Your advice will help my
partner like me even more. Kelly, and Kelly, I do
need you to tell us what you told me on
our call together about like the last time you flew
and when that was Yes, Hello.
Speaker 8 (36:52):
Everyone, Hi, ahead, welcome, thank you so much, thanks for
having me so. My last flight was in two thousand
and five. I was very young and Hurricane Katrina was
basically hitting as we were leaving, the hurricane was hitting
and hitting, turbulence in the air just all of that
combined really freaked me out.
Speaker 1 (37:11):
Yeah, but you're fine. You're fine now, nothing happened. So look,
the worst thing happened and you're fine. Yeah, I mean
the worst thing didn't happen, but it came close to happening,
or what you think was going to cause that. First
of all, I don't know if this will help you,
but it helped me a long time ago. I don't
have a fear of flying, but I remember someone telling
me that when you're experiencing turbulence, it's almost like the
(37:34):
opposite of crashing, like it is the most normal expected
thing to happen, and that planes don't get into trouble
during turbulence. That's not what causes planes to go out,
you know. I mean maybe with weather changing the way
it is because of climate change, that it could be
it could escalate to that, But that's not where where
crashes come from. Turbulence. So you should know that and
(37:55):
write that down in front of you so you could
read that over and over again. You know what I
mean for when you fly. I'm fucking serious.
Speaker 2 (38:00):
But just you were fine.
Speaker 1 (38:01):
You are fine, you are safe, you are fine, I
am safe. Blah blah blah, over and over and over
against yourself. To calm yourself down while you're on the
plane and out of van didn't help you.
Speaker 8 (38:12):
I haven't tried it yet.
Speaker 4 (38:14):
Oh it's gonna be great.
Speaker 1 (38:15):
You're gonna you're gonna love it. The other thing is,
I would recommend you go to a hypnotist to try
to get over this, because Kerrie Gainer's in LA. But
that would require a flight, so I don't know. I
went to him for smoking cigarettes. I have tons of people.
Do you know who he is?
Speaker 4 (38:32):
I've heard of him yet, Yeah, like he's.
Speaker 1 (38:33):
This famous hypnotist.
Speaker 5 (38:34):
Who is I had a friend who went for candy
for like a sugar addiction.
Speaker 4 (38:38):
I went.
Speaker 1 (38:38):
I had a friend who went for biting her toenails. Okay,
apparently the two biggest phobias are spiders and flying. Those
are the or no sorry, fear of public speaking, and
flying spiders are scary too.
Speaker 4 (38:50):
We feel for the spider fear of people.
Speaker 1 (38:51):
But can you look up a hypnotist? You have to
try it, you do it? Three times and you will like,
it works for a lot of people, so don't rule
that out.
Speaker 5 (39:00):
And you know, my uncle flies planes, and I'm like,
this is crazy, this is scary. But you know what
he said to me, and it actually is in my
head all the time. Planes want to stay in the
air the way that they're designed.
Speaker 4 (39:11):
They don't.
Speaker 5 (39:11):
It's hard to get them down. Actually, the landing is
not to scare you, one of the one of the
most treacherous parts.
Speaker 1 (39:17):
Because necessary to say that what are you doing right now?
So she gets on the plane, she's okay, and that
she remembers what you said about the fucking landing.
Speaker 4 (39:29):
That's the last five minutes.
Speaker 1 (39:32):
Ruined the whole flight.
Speaker 5 (39:34):
No flying, it's not it's not dangerous to land.
Speaker 4 (39:40):
It's fine. It's it's all safe. It's safer than driving
in a car. You know that. You've heard the stats.
Speaker 1 (39:44):
It is safer than driving in a car.
Speaker 4 (39:46):
Have you been in a Have you been in a
golf cart?
Speaker 1 (39:48):
Yeah?
Speaker 4 (39:49):
So golf carts don't really have a suspension that lets them.
Speaker 5 (39:51):
I mean, they're really bouncy, but they don't tip over,
they don't roll, you know what I mean. That's exactly
what turbunece is it's like it's like bounces. It's not
going to make the plane all out of the air.
It's like being in a golf cart, and I do
I know that sounds crazy, but I do think because turbulence,
I don't love it either. I don't know who loves turbulence,
but I do think about the golf cart analogy whenever
there's turbulence, and also that the plane wants to be
(40:12):
in the air.
Speaker 1 (40:13):
I don't think that line of thinking is helpful at all.
Does that make you feel better?
Speaker 8 (40:20):
Yes, I wrote all those down right. It's also like
an overstimulation thing and not liking to be around people
and have no escape. So I'm wondering what escape up
for Like a first class flight that might.
Speaker 5 (40:35):
Yeah, that will help a lot in first class will
have Also, I think turbulence is less apparent in the front.
Speaker 3 (40:41):
I think, yeah, okay, I took out a van for
a flying because it was like a period where I
was pretty nervous flyer and it like you still think like,
oh I might die, but like it makes you not
care that you might die.
Speaker 2 (40:52):
It just takes that away.
Speaker 3 (40:53):
I will also say, TikTok, there are a lot of
people on there who are like, let me walk you
through the different sounds you're going to hear as you're
taking off or as you're landing. And here's why they're
not scary. I recently stumbled across this and it made
my next flight like so much easier.
Speaker 8 (41:07):
To download TikTok.
Speaker 1 (41:08):
Yes, well, get ahead of ourselves TikTok, yet don't ruin it.
Probably stay away from it and just look up what
she's talking about. Yeah, there on YouTube too, But does
any of that help you?
Speaker 8 (41:23):
Definitely? Definitely. I'm just really grateful.
Speaker 1 (41:26):
You can do it.
Speaker 4 (41:28):
Thank you. It's gonna you're gonna love it.
Speaker 6 (41:32):
Yeah.
Speaker 8 (41:32):
I just want to pick a place I really want
to go to and then it'll feel really worth it.
And hearing your words of encouragement is super help.
Speaker 1 (41:39):
Yeah, get after it, because once you get that fly
first flight down, then you can travel wherever you want, girl,
And that's the that's the key to the rest of
your life, like looking and seeing different new places. I mean,
how exciting is that to know that you can go
and travel around the world and you're not gonna be scared. Yep.
Speaker 2 (41:54):
If Courtney can get Travis Barker to fly again.
Speaker 3 (41:56):
You can fly again.
Speaker 1 (41:57):
I think Courtney could get Travis Barker to do a
lot of things that he hasn't done in a long time.
He seems pretty devoted to her. Okay, well, good luck
with everything, take care, Thank you so much, check care bye.
I don't like these requests when people say I want
Chelsea to tell me to get my shit together. I
want Chelsea to tell me to go for a flight,
because it's like that's all I have to say. Then,
(42:19):
like they're not letting me decide what to say. Then
I'm just like, go do it.
Speaker 2 (42:23):
I think we give her a lot of stuff though,
I think it was good.
Speaker 1 (42:25):
Well, we did cover a lot of stuff. Think God
Paul was here.
Speaker 3 (42:28):
People just don't have like Chelsea handler confidence, so they're like,
give that to me.
Speaker 1 (42:32):
You know, it's not confidence, it's that I don't care,
you know what I mean long enough to make a choice.
I'm just like, let's go keep moving. Oh so, if
you haven't checked out my opening dates in Vegas, check
them out. They're on my website Chelseahandler dot com. We
announced four dates in Vegas plus my all my other
cities that I'm coming to get your tickets to Chelseahandler
dot com before this tour finally fucking wraps up. We're
gonna take a quick break, Paul, put your coffee down,
(42:53):
what you're on camera. We're gonna take a break, and
Paul w and I are going to have We're gonna
be back.
Speaker 3 (43:04):
We're back, all right. Our last email comes from Kim.
She says, Dear Chelsea, I recently went through my first
adult breakup. My wife and I were together for twelve years,
married for seven, and it has been the most difficult
thing I've ever had to grow through. I love a
double life, split between corporate America and being a comedian.
(43:25):
I've been in a love hate relationship with stand up
since two thousand and six, and right before the pandemic,
I co wrote a web series that we finally put
in the festival circuit. I'm considering getting back on stage,
and of course all my stand up friends are like,
you have so much material. Let's just say that the
way my marriage ended is very complicated and involves a hypnotist,
a magician, a clown, and possibly a cult.
Speaker 1 (43:46):
Can we get that hypnotist number for the other caller?
Speaker 3 (43:48):
Well, that's hope, So I don't know if I have
a lifetime original movie on my hands or comedy gold,
but it's something that's the background.
Speaker 2 (43:55):
And here's the dilemma.
Speaker 3 (43:56):
My AX asked me to keep some information about our
breakup on the DL because it could affect her career.
Although I can easily tell jokes and not say her
name directly, things do tend to end up on the Internet,
and people that know us will very quickly put two
and two together. I'm also not sure what protections I
have if I decided to write a script or something
that's quote based on true events. I'm torn between feeling
the need to protect someone that honestly really hurt me
(44:18):
and wanting to dive back into my comedy world and
tell my story Kim.
Speaker 1 (44:22):
I don't know what the legalities around that are, because
I know about writing a book how you have to
change things for people so that no one can recognize
who you're talking about. But you can still talk about
the people things that experiences you've had. You just have
to shroud who that other person is. And I don't
know if just being in front of people who know
that you dated her is enough of a connection that's
(44:46):
still your experience you're not calling her out. You've had
other girlfriends, I'm sure. Well maybe it's been a long time.
It sounded like so maybe not. But I think you
can talk about her without don't say her name. Don't
do that. If somebody asks for privacy, everyone has a
right to privacy, even though I don't respect that, you know,
but I think you should definitely pursue stand up and
(45:06):
see what you've got in this material, because nothing is
funny like tragedy, really nothing. You give anything two weeks
and it is cooked perfectly to bring it out and
start sharing it. So I am a firm believer in
the darker the moment, the funnier, the potential for funny
is greater percent.
Speaker 4 (45:24):
I think that the saddest stuff can be the funniest.
Speaker 5 (45:26):
And also if you have material that I mean, it
sounds pretty rich, that material sounds good. It feels like
you have to do it, especially if the person hurt you.
Speaker 4 (45:34):
I get it.
Speaker 5 (45:35):
We don't wanna, we don't want to expose the person.
That person has a right to privacy. But I don't
know unless you have an hour of material about this
woman who, then you know, you tape a special and
it becomes huge. I don't think it's gonna impact her career.
You know, people you guys have in common might be like, oh,
they had a clown.
Speaker 1 (45:53):
Yeah, exactly. By the time you would would get as
comedy special, you're gonna have had had more girlfriends. So
there's no direct relation. I understand, you've been with someone
for twelve years, so when you say your ex, everyone
knows who knows you, knows who you're talking about, but
not everybody knows who you're talking about. So it is
kind of a murky area. But comics do it all
the time. My whole first set was about my ex
boyfriend finding him cheating on me with not one, but
(46:16):
two women. I added the second one for storytelling purposes.
There was really only one woman, but like I talked
about him for like. That was my first set was
just how walking in on my boyfriend cheating on me?
So you can, I mean, people, that's what everyone is doing.
Taylor Swift just wrote a song about Kim Kardashian and
called it Thank You Amy, and it's about Kim. We
(46:36):
all know it's about Kim Kardashian, So you know, I
would just say keep it. You've never said her name
out loud, don't say it so you don't get yourself
in trouble. But definitely, first you stand up and if
it you know, if you're feeling it and it's vibing,
then then continue. Conversely, if the opposite is true as well,
don't continue. Okay, well, we're gonna wrap up with you.
You're such a cutie pie, Paul w Downs. I had
(46:58):
such a fun time with you today.
Speaker 4 (47:00):
I am is an honor and a pleasure. Thank you
for having me.
Speaker 1 (47:03):
Okay, well, I wish you well. Say hi to my
friends Hannah and Jen Statsky. Tell her I say hello too.
Speaker 4 (47:09):
From childhood, I will indeed, Yeah, I'm tell Gene to
come on.
Speaker 1 (47:13):
Oh yeah, tell Gene. I want her on too. Yes, absolutely,
you have to write apart from me to come on.
So I can either have a love scene with no,
I can't have a love scene. I can't even have
a love scene with a man I once did. I
once had to do a movie and they this is
how bad you guys I was. I once had to
do a movie with this actor and they wanted me
to open mouth kiss him. And I took one look
(47:33):
at this guy and I was like, I can't do that.
You know, like I can't kiss this man. I just won't.
And so I went to the director and I was like,
I know this scene is about us like making out,
but obviously, like let's fake that because I'm not interested
in this. And he's like, well, it's in the script,
like you have to act, and I was like, no, no, no,
it's not happening, like I'm not making out with that kid.
He was like ten years younger than me. It felt
(47:54):
disgusting and it was there was a situation, and I
was like no, no, And then finally I was like
I don't know what to tell you.
Speaker 6 (48:02):
To the director, I I don't know what to tell you.
It's not gonna happen. So finally he's like, okay, well
what can happen? I was like, we could touch arms
and then we're going to turn our back.
Speaker 1 (48:13):
To the camera. No, you don't want to hire me
from everything ever, anything. I'm terrible.
Speaker 4 (48:16):
Well, okay, I'll keep that in Okay, keep that.
Speaker 1 (48:18):
In mind, keep my behavior in mine. I would love
to thank you so much, Paul w We love you.
Speaker 4 (48:24):
Thank you, I love you.
Speaker 1 (48:25):
Everyone tuned in to season three of Haacks if you
haven't seen it already, it's streaming on Max. Okay, So
upcoming shows that I have you guys, these are the
places I'm coming in May Prior Lake, Minnesota, Verona, New York, Auckland,
New Zealand, Wellington, New Zealand, Melbourne, Australia, Brisbane and Australia, Sydney, Australia.
We've added second shows to places that have sold out
the first and then I'm gonna be in Hawaii on Maui, Ka,
(48:48):
Hulue and Honolulu. I will be there in July. Also
in July, I'm coming to Niagara Falls on July twenty seventh.
I'm coming to Hollywood, Florida for my only show in
Florida on July twenty eighth. I'll be in Auburn, Washington
on August first, and then Santa Rosa, California for my
second show August second. And then I'm coming to Atlantic City.
MATEO o'line and I are co headlining a really fun
(49:11):
show in Atlantic City this summer. August tenth August seventeenth
is the Santa Barbara Bull. You do not want to
miss that. And then I will be all over Maine, Charlotte,
North Carolina, Charleston, South Carolina. I'm coming to Texas. I'm
coming to Saint Louis in Kansas City. I'm coming to Brooklyn,
New York at the Kings Theater on November eighth, and
(49:33):
I have tickets on sale throughout the end of the
year in December, so if you're in a city like
Philadelphia or Bethlehem, or San Diego or New Orleans or Omaha,
check Chelseahandler dot com for tickets.
Speaker 3 (49:47):
Okay, if you'd like advice from Chelsea, shoot us an
email at Dear Chelsea podcast at gmail dot com and
be sure to include your phone number. Dear Chelsea is
edited and engineered by Brad Dickert executive producer Catherine in Law,
and be sure to check out our merch at Chelseahandler
dot com
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