February 27, 2025 • 56 mins
Queer Eye’s Antoni Porowski is here to chat about making Awkwafina cry on his new show No Taste Like Home, the truth about heartbreak, and where Poutine REALLY comes from. Then: A husband’s lack of sex drive has a wife at her wits’ end. A skier is stuck doing the flowers for an ex-bestie’s wedding. And a new girlfriend struggles with the fact that her boyfriend has a roommate… that he’s previously slept with.
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Pre-order a signed copy of Chelsea’s new book HERE!
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Need some advice from Chelsea? Email us at DearChelseaPodcast@gmail.com
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Executive Producer Catherine Law
Edited & Engineered by Brad Dickert
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Hi Catherine, Hi Chelsea, Happy birthday.
Speaker 2 (00:04):
It's my birthday today. Even though this is airing on Thursday,
we're recording it on my fiftieth birthday. Everybody, I am
fifty years old. Five Oh baby.
Speaker 1 (00:16):
You know it's a significant birthday, and hopefully this year
will be just as significant.
Speaker 2 (00:21):
It's gonna be significant in more ways than one, hopefully
more good ways than bad ways.
Speaker 1 (00:26):
Good. I mean, your book is out, You're going on
tour in Europe. You have like all these things when
you're just still doing your book tour.
Speaker 2 (00:33):
My book is available, everybody. It is finally on the shelves.
So if you are listening to this podcast and you're
an avid listener, not only do I want you to
go and purchase my book, I want you to leave
a review on Amazon or Barnesandnoble dot com. Support the
book if you like it, If you love it, tag
me and tell me which part you love the most.
(00:54):
I'll retag you and repost you. But I want lots
of interactions. So please, all my podcast listeners, this is
our moment.
Speaker 1 (01:03):
This is it. This is it. So where's your birthday
party in New York? Can you talk about where? When?
All the exciting things.
Speaker 2 (01:09):
It's just we threw it together. It's tonight at Mulberry
or the Mulberry, I don't know, some little kind of
bar restaurant situation. And I'm going to the ninety second
street Wide to have a conversation with tanks about my book.
I've done fifty seven talk shows in twenty four hours
and fifty thousand podcasts, and definitely people know I have
(01:32):
a book out. There's no way around it.
Speaker 1 (01:35):
Good good, I'm so glad. And people may notice that
you sound a little bit different right now, and that's
because you are literally in the glam chair getting ready
to go do both of those things.
Speaker 2 (01:44):
Also, I want to remind people that my Owlsbrew is
on the shelves. Chelsea Handler's vodka Lemonade is available now
in store. So if you have a book club and
you guys want to drink while you're reading, which is
definitely what you should be doing, and not even if
you are reading the book, just if you want some nice,
smooth vodka lemonade mixes. We have Classic, we have Pink,
and we have Mint. And I'm so excited about this
(02:06):
collab with Owls Brew, So please show your support when
you can if you like beverages that are mixed, smooth
and non carbonated. We made them especially for well, for
me and for you and Chelsea.
Speaker 1 (02:19):
We know you have good taste. So we're so excited
for our guests today too. It's Anthony Parovski, Oh my.
Speaker 2 (02:26):
God, wonderful. Let's get the fucking party.
Speaker 1 (02:28):
Started, and Anthony Perevski's new show, No Taste Like Home
is on Disney Plus and Nat Geo.
Speaker 2 (02:36):
Okay, am I unmuted?
Speaker 1 (02:39):
You are muted now, Chelsea.
Speaker 2 (02:41):
I'm I'm muted.
Speaker 3 (02:43):
Oh okay, now, hi nice.
Speaker 2 (02:50):
I don't know, guys, I'm sorry. I really don't even
know how the fuck to use a computer. I mean,
it really does not matter how many times a week
I do this. I really still can't understand and what's
going on, nor do I have any interest in finding out.
Speaker 1 (03:03):
Case in point.
Speaker 3 (03:04):
So this is your first ever podcast episode, right, and
I'm honored to be your first.
Speaker 2 (03:08):
Tax I mean you would you would think so?
Speaker 3 (03:10):
Yeah, it's probably like I can barely send a fucking email.
Speaker 2 (03:13):
So, but you're younger, You're a different generation.
Speaker 3 (03:16):
I'm forty, I'm most spring Chicken.
Speaker 2 (03:18):
That makes you what a millennial forty is that right.
Congratulations on your new show, by the way, that it's
so sweet, you know, I love that shit. I love
when you can go travel and have a really beautiful
situation and then also talk to people there about the
culture and like make that actually palatable. For people who
don't give a shit about other people's culture, it's a
(03:41):
way for them to no pun intended, swallow it now totally.
Speaker 3 (03:44):
Well, I think it takes. My therapist always says she
can attribute ninety nine point nine percent of the world's
problems to a lack of embracing of diversity. And we're
afraid of what we don't understand, and that's how we
end up we I'm saying collectively, but them, that's how
like you end up judging people and stereotypes and all
that kind of stuff. And when you get to know
an individual and you get to know even just like
(04:05):
the history of addition, like what influenced it and all
that kind of stuff, it just makes it less scary
and sorry for the comparison, but like more palatable. You know.
Speaker 2 (04:13):
Well, it's also like I was reading something or listening
to something who knows what I was doing, and they
were talking about the idea that the color of your skinner,
the way that you look makes you different, like that
whole somebody had to build that notion because it's so
fucking stupid. It's like imagining opening up a box of
crayons and having one color.
Speaker 3 (04:33):
I just want to ask, it's the add kicking in.
I see beautiful like snow covered trees. Where are you?
Speaker 2 (04:38):
I'm in Whistler, Canada.
Speaker 3 (04:39):
Fuck yeah, I love it so much. I lived there
for four months.
Speaker 2 (04:43):
You did why well?
Speaker 3 (04:44):
In Vancouver and my sister was running a bunch of
stores called Aritzia.
Speaker 2 (04:47):
Oh my god, yeah, they give me stuff all the time.
Last year they came I came in and they were like,
we want to give you free jackets. I was like,
that's amazing.
Speaker 3 (04:55):
Go ahead, have a line called TNA that my sister called.
Speaker 2 (04:57):
Tits and ass where's your accent? From?
Speaker 3 (05:00):
My accent? I'm Canadian originally, I'm from Montreal. Our family's Polish.
You have Polish ancestry, do I? Apparently?
Speaker 2 (05:08):
How do you know that?
Speaker 3 (05:10):
When we were casting the really big web of like
dream people, I'm just gonna like throw it out there.
Me and my sister like, forty percent of our identity
is you like we find that were you, and You're
just so fucking funny. She's losing her shit. This is
the coolest thing I've ever done, in her eyes, more
than like all fucking seasons of Queer Eye. So she
was just really excited about this.
Speaker 2 (05:29):
Ah, that's really cute. I love it.
Speaker 3 (05:32):
We did initial research and just by googling, we found
out that you supposedly have some Polish heritage.
Speaker 2 (05:37):
Well, I definitely have some Eastern European in there, so
I'm sure that at one point everything was Poland, wasn't it.
So I'm sure it was Poland. But I love that
I'm forty percent of your personality. That really makes me prideful.
I love that kind of stuff. So when you were
doing these, like whenever I have to travel for work,
I always find it it's such a great idea, and
(05:59):
then you do it and you're working instead of actually traveling,
and I would always be like, I have to come
back to this place when I'm not working, Like we
went to Saint Peter's or no, we went to Moscow,
and that's one place I actually don't have to go
back to. But when we were there, I was like,
it would be such a different experience if we weren't filming.
I mean, the point of going is to film, but
(06:20):
then you want like an extra two days to vacation.
Speaker 3 (06:23):
I mean what I do is typically I try to
get somewhere at least a few days earlier. First of all,
jet lag, because it just wipes me off my ass,
and I have to like, what do you.
Speaker 2 (06:31):
Take for jet lag? Do do you take new Vigil?
New Vigil's a good pill for jet lag if you
can get a prescription for it.
Speaker 3 (06:36):
Oh, my dad's a physician, and so is my stepmom,
so I'll get it. I love the oh pharmaceuticals.
Speaker 2 (06:41):
Oh yeah, it's like adderall but smooth, like it doesn't
make you jumpy, and it makes you like if you
have jet lag and you have to go somewhere, you
know that feeling is like almost it feels insurmountable.
Speaker 3 (06:52):
Oh, I go cross side and then I try to
stay a few days afterwards. Just take it into like,
cause it's like, when the hell am I going to
end up in Borneo again? You know what I mean?
Speaker 4 (07:01):
Right?
Speaker 2 (07:02):
Probably next season. But I hear what you're saying, So
what's your situation? Are you gay? Straight, fluid? All of
the above, so.
Speaker 3 (07:11):
I mean, my past few relationships have been with guys.
I'm still consider myself attracted to women. I've had a
lot of relationships with women, and I don't know. It's like,
if you had to put me in a box, I
think it would be lilid.
Speaker 2 (07:24):
I guess fluid. I mean, who isn't really fluid when
you really think about it. I think everybody's a little
bit of something. You know, it's a spectrum, just like
everything else.
Speaker 3 (07:35):
I mean, like, how could you know to Zoe Kravitz?
Speaker 2 (07:37):
You know, right, of course? Of course, obviously there are
exceptions to every rule, even if there are no rules.
What's your family situation? Do you have a brother?
Speaker 4 (07:46):
No?
Speaker 3 (07:46):
So I wish in Actually, in elementary school, I used
to lie that my mom was pregnant and I was
going to have a brother, And they would come back
from parent teacher conference and be like, you need to
stop fucking telling everyone that I'm pregnant because it's super awkward.
Like I'm having it, I'm in a mauzzle.
Speaker 2 (08:00):
Yeah, I used to lie all the time at school.
Speaker 3 (08:02):
I have two older sisters, raised in a very matriarchal household.
Parents are Polish. Everyone was born in Poland or my
father in Brussels because his family fled there after the war.
I was the first one born in Canada.
Speaker 2 (08:13):
Oh okay, yeah. I lied to my teachers all the
time too, by the way, whatever, anytime there was an
opportunity for a lie, I would lie to them just
because I thought they were kind of insulting to my intelligence.
Speaker 3 (08:24):
You know.
Speaker 2 (08:24):
I'm like, they were going to tell me what to do,
like I just couldn't. I couldn't square.
Speaker 3 (08:29):
It's like you get to know the real me.
Speaker 2 (08:31):
Yeah, but also you get caught for it, and then
it's super embarrassing because they're like, you're not going to
be in the Private Benjamin movie. You're not Goldiehn's daughter,
You're actually psychopath. And you're like, oh, maybe I am
a little bit of a psychopath. I started watching the
Aquafina episode and I was seemed like she was going
to start crying, and I was like, oh, I would
love to see her that vulnerable.
Speaker 1 (08:50):
Yes, she I feel like she mostly cries. Of the episode,
there's like more tears than not tears. Wow, yes, yes.
Speaker 2 (08:58):
Wow, Well we haven't seen that side of Aquafina. That's
pretty cool.
Speaker 3 (09:02):
That was by far the most emotional episode. I mean,
I like snot cried. There were it was embarrassing, but
there are a few scenes were like she had to actually
take care of me. So with Nora, she hadn't been
back to South Korea since her mother passed away when
she was four years old. My mother had this really
rare illness that she developed as a result of her pregnancy,
and they basically she had a few months left to live,
(09:24):
and she decided what western medicine, I'm going to lean
into Eastern practices and she lived until Nora was four.
And the dish that kind of like brought it all together.
We were sitting with this woman who had a PhD
in fermentation, who like supposedly according to herself, cured herself
with breast cancer using Eastern practices, was making this soup
with this broth and this rehydrated kelp and these pieces
(09:45):
of beef, and Nora smelled it as we were doing it,
and she got really emotional and started getting shaky, and
she was like, wait, I remember this scent from when
I was four years old. And then we learned that
this is something in mythology that Koreans used to look
at whales giving birth and they were depleted of eyes,
and they would eat calp to make themselves feel better
because food truly is medicine in their culture. Like themation
(10:06):
is we NESCo protected and so this won't Like for
Nora to have that realization that her mom not only
made a suit for herself but fed it to her
daughter as a way of trying to heal herself was
just one of them of most Wow, wild wild Wow,
that's really deep. Yeah.
Speaker 1 (10:20):
Yeah, watching someone like take a bite of something, she
takes one bite and like bursts into tears and is
just transported. That's the power of scentse that's the power
of food. And I think it's surprising because the show
is not people would expect like, oh, Antony's gonna go
do a cooking shows, and it's not strictly a cooking show.
It's a little bit who do you Think you are?
A little bit Anthony Bourday, like very beautifully produced, like
(10:44):
really rich storytelling, gorgeous vistas.
Speaker 2 (10:47):
I went on, who do you think you are? Did
you ever do that? Antony?
Speaker 3 (10:50):
No?
Speaker 2 (10:51):
I did it. My director and I did not get
along either. He was really annoying.
Speaker 3 (10:55):
It's just like you're sitting there at a tablet that
is a comp that we use when we were developing
the show, and it's fine. It's interesting to learn about
your family history and all these people that you don't
know about, but to actually have it be experiential and
go in and try that things within their environment and
understand what was going on. We meet the historians and
genealogists who are like way fucking smarter than I am,
(11:15):
who are able to provide context into like what was
going on culturally and politically at the time. And it's
like the most basic things, Like we were in Senegal
and we try this thing called dombey, which is like
a bagette with a bean stew in it, and you
learn that the importance of it is because you know,
French occupation for hundreds of the years they left. The
Senegalese were like, we're gonna take the baguett, We're gonna
fucking make it better, softer, sweeter, We're gonna put in
(11:38):
our own stew. And now it's basically become It's kind
of like when you're in La and you see like
burrito stands on every corner. It's like everyone enjoys it.
And this is something that is lily with history and
has all of these clues as to like what was
going on at the time. It's just fascinating.
Speaker 2 (11:53):
That is fascinating. It's so cool. Yeah, it's so cool
to be passionate about it. It's also it is very
Anthony Bourdain.
Speaker 1 (12:00):
We need that.
Speaker 2 (12:01):
Are you hoping to fill his shoes? I mean, obviously
you don't want to fill his shoes, but you do
want to fill his shoes.
Speaker 3 (12:06):
I mean, look, I like I read his books, so
I was obsessed with him growing up. I certainly don't
want to be derivative. It is something that comes to mind.
I think where he really excelled was using food as
that vehicle to tell those personal stories for people to
understand what was going on in the Middle East and
all these other places in the world where it was like,
it's about the food, but it's not really about the food.
It's everything that's kind of tied around it. And I
(12:27):
think what we learn from him is that he just
went personal and he got to know, like, you got
to tell these like human stories.
Speaker 2 (12:33):
You know, what is your least favorite food that you've
experienced so far? You have to be honest.
Speaker 3 (12:38):
Yeah, in Borneo, it didn't make it to the final cut.
But I tried Durian. Are you familiar? No?
Speaker 1 (12:44):
Thinky fruit?
Speaker 3 (12:45):
Right, smells like like a rotting chicken carcats like old
fruit situation. But one of our camera ops described it
as an overly ripe camembert with really sharp garlic. It's
intense and funky all put almost anything in my mouth.
It's one of those things that, like I tried it,
I don't need to go back there again. It was
(13:06):
a lot of funk.
Speaker 2 (13:07):
What is going on in Borneo exactly?
Speaker 3 (13:11):
So with that was the Henry Golding episode. And his
mother is his father's British ex military His mother is
Ebon traditional, like an indigenous tribe in Sarrowwalk, and they
lived in these longhouses where like forty to sixty families
have their own living quarters and then the other half
of the long house. It's literally a longhouse in the
(13:31):
middle of the jungle. And it's these communal spaces where
they like teach each other to like cut bamboo and
put the rice in and put it on the fire
so that it becomes really nice and sticky. And it's
just with Henry, it was tricky because he knew so
much about his family history but we actually uncovered that
he had literal headhunters in his family line, and he
had multiples of them, and he had like a witch
(13:54):
and just kind of like learning about the spiritual practice
and like the spiritual significance of headhunting when they would
literally bring back these to their tribe. He remembered when
he was a kid.
Speaker 2 (14:02):
He I was like, I was like, what kind of
head hunter are we talking for a job?
Speaker 3 (14:06):
Not the one I'm.
Speaker 2 (14:07):
Thinking, Not the one I'm thinking of.
Speaker 3 (14:09):
RCT, not our agents. But he remembers being a kid
and he was like, I actually remember seeing like human
skulls on like shelves. So to kind of like learn
the context of the whole thing is just I mean,
it's a whole other world. I tried things like torch ginger.
I tried eight wild ferns, which were freaking delicious, and
wild egg plant, and it's like everything that they have there.
(14:31):
It was like such a balance of I've never felt
like I was more out in the wild, like in
the literal middle of nowhere in nature and just away
from civilization, but at the same time this very human
thing of like the sense of community. I've never experienced
it more strongly than I did being with those people
for a week.
Speaker 2 (14:49):
Wow, that's so cool.
Speaker 3 (14:51):
I felt like Indiana Jones, All.
Speaker 2 (14:53):
Right, let's not get carried away. Did you bring a
lover with you or were you on your own with
your crew? Like did you bring up plus one?
Speaker 3 (14:59):
I was on on my own with the crew.
Speaker 2 (15:02):
Yeah, it's nice to do that on your own, especially
with a crew, because it's like camp.
Speaker 3 (15:06):
It's a small crew, like Queer Eye, where like worship
a ton of people and we're in the US where
you have trailers and everything there. You don't have any
of that. When you're in northern Italy with Justin Thurreaux
or in Borneo. It's like you're waiting, like you're waiting
in a car.
Speaker 2 (15:19):
So you don't have a significant other in your dating
life right now, or you just kind of dating single,
single and mingle.
Speaker 3 (15:26):
By the point where I feel like, whenever I have
something big or that i'm really excited about professionally, the
way that it works out, I always happen to be single.
Speaker 2 (15:33):
I'm so with you on that.
Speaker 3 (15:35):
So with you, I get too. Yeah, because I thought
the love relationships, I love the melding and getting to
know each other's families and like and.
Speaker 2 (15:43):
Then breaking up. Yeah, in that order, Like it's okay
to break up, but that's not a bad thing. That
means it's time to move on to something else, Like
we need to start celebrating divorces and breakups. Who cares.
It's great, it's a new beginning.
Speaker 3 (15:56):
The lessons you know what to take on to the
next one you have.
Speaker 2 (15:58):
Hopefully you learn the lesson. Some people are really really
remedial and you need to learn the lesson multiple times.
But some people really learn lessons and then that's really nice.
And then you have a celebration, Like every relationship is
a celebration. You got to know yourself a little bit better.
Speaker 3 (16:12):
Yeah, and it's a cycle too, like I'm closer with
my friends when I'm not in a relationship, I get
to spend more time with my family. It's you know,
have you.
Speaker 2 (16:20):
Had your heart broken?
Speaker 3 (16:22):
Yes?
Speaker 2 (16:23):
What was that?
Speaker 5 (16:24):
Like?
Speaker 3 (16:24):
It was devastating, It was really hard. It was I
don't know, Sorry, I didn't expect that, but it was.
It kind of having your heart broken or having my
heart broken just put into play and had me questions
sort of like do I need to change as a
person in some ways? And then in other ways it
was like, oh no, like I really fucking did my best,
wasn't perfect, made some mistakes, but like I really fucking
(16:47):
showed up. I put in the work, I gave it
all I could. I don't have any regrets. And then
sometimes I question myself and I'm like, is there anything
that I need to change? Am I to this or
to that? And but I'm like obsessed with therapy. I've
been going on and off since I was seventeen, and
for me, it's like I love self improvement, and then
it just kind of brings up that whole notion of
do I want to change and do I want to evolve?
(17:09):
But I'm also forty and I'm kind of like I'm
half baked at this point. I'm like parts of me
are the way that they are, and I should just
accept myself for who I am, as opposed to striving
to change all the time. So I'm in constant I'm
always in conflict with myself over like change, growth, evolve, adapt,
be better, listen to fucking mel Robbins. And then the
other side of like no, like just be happy with
(17:30):
who I am and content and like they should fucking
figure it out. You know.
Speaker 2 (17:34):
Yeah, and evolved doesn't mean change, Like you don't have
to change, You just get better at being who you are.
So whatever qualities you have, good or bad, should always stay.
You should just be able to you know when to
control them, and then they become even more enhanced. The
more evolved you become, everything just gets better. So there's yeah,
you should have no apologies about your personality. That just
(17:56):
keeps improving and improving as long as you're willing to
take a look at yourself and admit when you're wrong,
which is so hard for so many people to do.
Like people don't and they don't know how to change.
It's like change is so fucking easy. I haven't had
a drink for fucking four weeks because of this shoulder
situation I'm in, and like, finally I'm understanding the benefits
of not drinking, Like I went to two things without
(18:18):
drinking and I had a great time. And I'm like, oh,
I see the other side. This is like God's way
of getting me to just be sober. I'm like, no
matter what, though, I will never give up on alcohol,
like you will not ever get me to quit drinking,
so I might become like less of a drinker, but
I will not ever give up on alcohol. We've had
a good thing going for many, many years, forty years. Anyway,
(18:40):
I digress, as I always do.
Speaker 3 (18:43):
We're in the same boat.
Speaker 2 (18:45):
We're vibing, right, so it's okay. But anyway, we're going
to get to the show. Now. You know what goes
on here right Like, we're going to give advice to people,
and they're gonna call in and they're gonna want to
They're gonna want your full attention, so you better get
ready for it. Catherine, tell us what's happening.
Speaker 1 (19:02):
Oh, we have some great questions for you, Anthony. But
we'll take a quick break and we'll come right back.
Speaker 2 (19:11):
And we're back with Anthony Perovsky.
Speaker 1 (19:14):
Yes, I have a husband who is a lover of
Queer Eye, and I was like watching some of the
episodes of your new show on my computer, just like
in the same room as him, and he goes, is
that Anthony? So he recognized your voice?
Speaker 2 (19:28):
I was like, it is.
Speaker 3 (19:29):
Actually, did you ask him whose favorite member of the
Fab five is?
Speaker 1 (19:33):
Of course?
Speaker 2 (19:33):
And he said, Anthony, You're my favorite so far. But
I don't know, and I don't know if I know
every single one of them.
Speaker 1 (19:40):
Well, we had Bobby Burke on the show. We had
Bobby Burke and Caramo. Haven't had Ja Vienne.
Speaker 2 (19:46):
And then there's the Salt Pepper.
Speaker 1 (19:48):
We haven't had Tan. Yeah right, Tan and our new
friend dere Maya.
Speaker 2 (19:53):
Yeah, okay, perfect, I'm going to take a break then
I'll be right back.
Speaker 3 (19:57):
Ah she's in a Whistler I'm so jealous.
Speaker 1 (20:00):
Yeah, so what were you doing living in Whistler.
Speaker 3 (20:02):
Well, not whistle I was in Vancouver, but we would
go on weekends with my sister.
Speaker 1 (20:06):
Are you a ski bum?
Speaker 3 (20:07):
I am? I am skiing since I was like four
years old.
Speaker 1 (20:10):
Oh my gosh, Well Canadian that makes sense, I guess.
Speaker 3 (20:13):
Yeah, yeah, it's kind of mandatory.
Speaker 1 (20:15):
Yeah, I am not a ski bum, but I'm a
ski lodge bum. Like I like to be in the
lodge with a cup of coco and a book under
a cozy plank, like that's what I want.
Speaker 3 (20:26):
Yes, and maybe a poutine. I know that's really Canadian
of me to say, but like, come on.
Speaker 1 (20:30):
Well, see I grew up in Chicago and had a
lot of Michigan or friends, and they claim that poutine
is from Michigan, which we all know that that is
a reach, but they do love their poin.
Speaker 3 (20:41):
Let us let us have Canada. I like Trump's trying
to fucking make it part of the U. I like,
just let us have our own thing, you know, leave
us alone. Poutine is Canadian.
Speaker 1 (20:50):
Yeah, I'm with you on that, Okay, Kenn.
Speaker 3 (20:52):
Don't make it a thing. It's literally our entire national identity.
It's fucking fries and gravy and cheese cards.
Speaker 2 (20:57):
Yes, cheese cards pretty disgusting.
Speaker 3 (21:01):
When they're mouthy.
Speaker 2 (21:02):
They're pretty good, they're so oh of course they're good,
but they're disgusting good that that's disgusting, Like I'd rather
eat like.
Speaker 3 (21:09):
Yeah, it's like good. It's like proper trash.
Speaker 2 (21:11):
Yes, proper trash, but I'd rather there's other proper trash.
I prefer over that. Like what I'm trying to think,
but like it's got to be traut.
Speaker 3 (21:20):
You love a McDonald what's like your fuck it thing?
Speaker 2 (21:23):
Like a pig and a blanket. I fucking love that.
Speaker 3 (21:26):
Polo bar pigs and blankets, perfect ratio of crust and.
Speaker 2 (21:31):
The crustbae like that leaf what is it called that
filo dough? Yeah? I love it when it's just fucking
thin and flaky, and it's a burnt it kind of chrispy.
Speaker 3 (21:43):
Greeny honey mustard, just to dip into it with that sharpness.
Speaker 2 (21:46):
Yeah, I like yellow mustard. I like yellow jew jew mustard.
Speaker 1 (21:51):
Excellent. Well, we'll get to colors now, so.
Speaker 2 (21:54):
Let's do it. I can't wait. I can't wait to
see Anthony giving advice.
Speaker 3 (21:59):
Oh god, how literally my least favorite thing to do.
I hate unsolicited advice, but this is solicited, so it's fine.
Speaker 1 (22:05):
Exactly, exactly. Well. Our first question comes from Priscilla. Dear Chelsea,
I am in a pickless pickle. I've been with my
husband for almost ten years now. He's six years older
than me. I'm thirty three and he's thirty nine, and
we grew up together. I've had a crush on him
since I was a kid and still do. He's my
best friend and I'm certain he feels the same way.
(22:28):
One problem is that I've learned over the years we're
not sexually compatible. At the beginning, it was fireworks incredible,
but then quickly fizzled out due to quote unquote stress.
I'm always the one initiating telling him what to do
not do, and if I'm honest, the sex lasts less
than five minutes, and I'm rarely satisfied. It's a miracle.
We got pregnant twice, both times on the very first try.
(22:51):
He's the sole provider for the family and has a
very stressful job. He's a general contractor and is always
extremely busy with work. He gets calls about flooding basements,
money issues, gree trades, etc. At all hours of the day.
This plus some financial issues all way heavily on his shoulders.
I have a part time job, but it hardly covers groceries,
and soon I'll be busy with a new baby. I
feel like I can't help carry the burden. He can't
(23:13):
turn off his brain from all the stress and get
in the mood unless he's drunk, which is a major
turn off and again leaves me unsatisfied. Over the years,
It's become as soon as I get this job done,
I'll be less stressed, as soon as as soon as
I've come to realize he's maybe just not as sexually
charged as I am. For a while, I thought it
was me am I not sexy enough. But we've talked
(23:34):
about it and it's not that I can say for certain.
He's not gay. I've seen his Internet search history. I
can say for certain he's not getting it elsewhere. He's
too busy. I feel cheated. I've been told my whole
life that all men want or think about is sex.
I don't know any female that has been in this
position before. We've been to a sex therapist and had
to stop due to lack of money and time. He
(23:54):
was open to it, but good therapy is expensive. Divorce
does not feel like an option, and I don't feel
like an open marriage is either. Because of our small community,
I have no answers, My friends have no answers, and
he has no answers, which leaves me in a Piccolis
Pickle help, Priscilla, Anthony, what are you thinking?
Speaker 3 (24:12):
Okay? Off the top of my head. Near the beginning,
I felt like she was making a lot of excuses
for him, which kind of like bothered me a little bit.
I also felt there's something about it that just kind
of made me sad, Like she just feel like I
feel like she's like in a really helpless She's just
like out of options and the options that I was
trying to think of of, like talk to a sex therapist,
(24:33):
talk to a therapist, in general check in with like
do you guys have different libidos? Are you not compatible
on that front? To like even opening up the marriage
in some way. All of that was kind of cabashed
in the explanation, So I think it's like, like, dude,
you need to like go revisit some of that stuff
because I really don't know you want to be with
the person, but it's like I don't know because I'm
torn because it's like, at the same time, like I
(24:54):
feel like I have a pretty high libido and physical
and sexual intimacy are incredibly important to me. Yeah. Yeah,
But I also know people out there who've had really
long relationships where there is a disconnect and they love
each other unconditionally, they respect each other, they're each other
is like biggest fucking cheerleaders, but they don't necessarily have that.
So it's like, again, it goes back to what I
was saying earlier about like accepting things the way they
(25:17):
are and then being like, no, I need change. I'm
a little torn, Chelsea.
Speaker 2 (25:20):
I mean I feel the same way. It's kind of
hard to say because it obviously matters to her because
she's talking about open marriage and whatever. If sex is
that important to you, which to most of us it is.
I'm one of those people that I want sex. I'm
not just like looking for somebody to hang out with.
If I had to choose hanging out or sex, I
would choose sex. So I think that it depends how
(25:43):
important is to you if it is a deal breaker.
I mean, if he can't perform sexually, like if whatever
his issues are, it's usually has nothing to do with
a woman. So I'm glad that you already figured that out.
Speaker 1 (25:54):
It's not because you're not sexy enough.
Speaker 2 (25:56):
Yeah, well, she already expressed that in the letter, said
that she knows it's not her. It's something to do
with him and that's his issue. Like are you willing
to put up with that because you love him? Like
I would say, life's too short, Like you could put
up with it for a while. I mean, it's great
that he was open to go when he's sex therapist,
but to what avail, Like, so you're not fixing the problem,
and it seems like a pretty important problem to be fixing.
(26:19):
So I just think that, like, you know, you've got
to either go the extra distance and really exhaust all
possibilities of finding out what the possible solutions are and
finding one that works for you. And if you don't,
then what's your game plan on? Like are you going
to hang out with him and be okay with that
in some sort of like sexless relationship for the rest
(26:42):
of your life.
Speaker 1 (26:42):
See, I feel like there is room for a third
option here because a third person.
Speaker 2 (26:47):
There's definitely room for a third person to come in
and fuck the shit out of our.
Speaker 1 (26:50):
There definitely is. But when we think about sex as
far as like this couple goes, we're thinking usually about
like she is thinking about penetrative sex. It lasts five minutes,
she's not saying satisfied. And part of sex is like
having the intimacy, having that closeness with someone. So maybe
you can talk to him about like, Hey, I really
want to like improve our intimacy, improve our closeness, and
(27:11):
like let's take some time to not even think about
like the penetrative part of sex, because if he's not
up for it, he's not up for it. But like,
can he spend some time pleasuring you? Can you guys
play with some toys like so weird?
Speaker 2 (27:24):
It's so weird. Oh, by the way, Oh, I wanted
to say one more thing too. Sorry, I know I'm
being so interrupted today, but I'm just in that kind
of mood. The other thing is a lot of women.
You said none of your friends experienced this. I do
know many women who have experienced their partners not being
up for the amount of sex that they are. Yes,
So I just wanted to throw that out there before
I agree.
Speaker 3 (27:43):
That's like a really that's a really common thing.
Speaker 2 (27:44):
That's also a gay thing too, isn't it Like a
lot of gay guys not a lot. I actually only
know one gay guy who won't, who doesn't penetrate, Like,
he doesn't penetrate, he doesn't want to be penetrated.
Speaker 3 (27:55):
You only get name from that. What, Yeah, what it's called.
It's called sighting.
Speaker 1 (28:00):
Sighting.
Speaker 3 (28:02):
Yeah, they like give each other like blowjobs, but they don't.
There's no like penetrative sex.
Speaker 2 (28:06):
When my friend told me about this, I thought, that's
he feels such shame for the act of penetration. He
feels shame at doing that. That's why he can't.
Speaker 3 (28:15):
I mean, that's the whole thing. Yeah.
Speaker 1 (28:16):
I recently stumbled across a follow from We had this
caller Marco like a long time ago, who was in
the same situation. He's like, I'm gay, but like I
do not I'm not interested in anal. And he followed
up actually recently and said that he, well, no, he's
still not into anal, but he's like, I've discovered that
I love having my ass eat now and eating out
of Elsa's asses. So I'm like, this is for him, that's.
Speaker 2 (28:38):
What a huge discovery. What if he had gone through
how much how much more life could he have gone
through without figuring that out?
Speaker 1 (28:45):
Thank goodness for the show. Just save lives, Saved lives.
Speaker 2 (28:49):
That's It's something people always go, what's the best piece
of advice you've ever given to start eating more ass?
That's my advice. I'm gonna write that down.
Speaker 3 (28:57):
That's the tattoo.
Speaker 2 (28:58):
Mm hmm, yeah, for sure, my ass is my tattoo.
And then I'm gonna put it on a different part
of my body. So people are doubly confused.
Speaker 1 (29:05):
So it's a wrap up for Priscilla. I think there's
some intentionality that you guys can like take some time
if he's not into like performing quote unquote because he's
too stressed, try some other stuff and like hin hint,
he might get in the mood. But like it's really
also like about you and your pleasure. It doesn't necessarily
have to like have anything to do with him getting off.
Speaker 2 (29:24):
Right, Try harder to make the situation, try to find
a solution, and if you can't find the solution, and
then you know that you've done everything you can to
try to figure out the problem, and then move on.
Speaker 3 (29:35):
Look, I know I'm like a mega optimist, but like,
clearly she fucking loves this guy. The fact that she
reached out to you, they've been together for ten years,
their kids, they are like so many added layers there.
I'm a fighter in relationships. I would go back the
stuff that you revisited that you heard that you think.
Speaker 2 (29:50):
You're not that much of a fighter. You're single.
Speaker 3 (29:53):
That's not nice, Chelsea.
Speaker 2 (29:55):
It's not That's not I'm saying you're not that much
of a fighter. Come on, if you were willing to
fight for anything. I'm not being mean.
Speaker 3 (30:03):
I thought I'm partially messing with you. I one thing
about me. I fucking fight for relationships as much as
I can till the very end, whether it's therapy, whatever
it is. I'm just saying, sometimes things happen that are
just like outside of your control and you just have
to deal with it and pick yourself up.
Speaker 2 (30:20):
I think I was thinking of fighting, like I'll do
anything to do what it takes to like be in
the relationship. I was interpreting it a different.
Speaker 3 (30:27):
I am that person. I'm a fucking romantics through and
through hard on my sleep, I'm like, I'm such a lover.
Falling in love is like, what is it that?
Speaker 2 (30:36):
But yeah, but falling in love that's the best part.
That's the best part. No one will dispute that. Everyone
knows those that's the best phase of life. Being in
this phase that this caller's in is not the.
Speaker 3 (30:48):
You fight for it and you go back and stuff
that she may have addressed earlier conversations that they had.
You know what, maybe they need to be revisited. Maybe
you need to get esther. Perell has that card game
where you ask each other intimate questions. Is it like
wearing like some crazy fucking outfit or like the crab
walking naked towards him when he enters the room and
going full sexual or building the intimacy with like some
(31:09):
kind of romance and getting to know each other intimately, Like.
Speaker 2 (31:12):
Maybe they should use the intimacy coordinator from it ends
with us. What about that woman that they should use her? Yeah,
that worked out great, or like I don't.
Speaker 3 (31:24):
Know, go to a rave together or something, you know
what I mean.
Speaker 2 (31:27):
Like, they definitely have to change up to done. Something
has to shift. If you want people to change, you
have to change period. But like so get the ball
rolling in some direction and be tireless about it, like
exhaust all the possibilities, period.
Speaker 1 (31:42):
And if all else fails, just get like a really
good vibrator and like leave him out of it. End
of list.
Speaker 2 (31:47):
Yeah that's quick, that's great.
Speaker 1 (31:49):
Yeah. So our next email comes from Laura. She is
calling in s would be chatting with her. Laura says,
Dear Chelsea, I have a sticky situation with I knewish
boyfriend and I'm hoping to get your perspective on it.
My boyfriend lives with a girl who he has been
friends with for a few years and they've slept together
twice in the past. They're in the same friend group,
(32:10):
and he claims it happened when they were both drunk
and lonely. To be fair, we were friends at the time.
We met at work and were friends first before dating,
and he told me what was going on and I
was dating other people at the time. He told me
he's been into me since we first met and patiently
waited for me to break up with my then boyfriend.
It really hurts me and makes me sad picturing her
with him, even though it was before I was in
(32:31):
the picture and he's been upfront about the information. I
hate how much this weighs on me, and I always
feel sad knowing he's at home with her when we're
not spending the night together. I hate that I'm jealous
and losing my zen when I'm ordinarily a confident person.
I'm mad at him for inflicting the situation on our relationship. Yesterday,
he had the audacity to ask me if I wanted
to go out dancing this weekend with her and some
(32:52):
of her friends. I said, absolutely not. Why would I
want to go out dancing and drinking with some girl
you fucked? Before I flipped it back on him, would
you want to go dance and sing with me and
some guy I used to fuck? He didn't have a
good answer to that. For context, I'm twenty seven and
he's thirty two. He should know better at his grown
age of thirty two. I feel like he downplayed their
friendship to try and appease me. This makes me question
(33:13):
if I can trust him. Any advice you have on
boundaries and how to get my piece back are greatly appreciated.
Laura Hell, Laura O.
Speaker 2 (33:21):
Hi, thanks for calling in. This is our special guest,
Anthony Barovsky.
Speaker 1 (33:25):
Yes, I'm starstruck. I love queer eye. That's awesome.
Speaker 3 (33:29):
Nice to meet too. Wait, how long have you been together?
Speaker 5 (33:32):
So we've been dating since November last year, So what
is up?
Speaker 1 (33:36):
It's like four months?
Speaker 3 (33:37):
Four months?
Speaker 4 (33:38):
Yeah, this is new, it is Yeah, Well that's easy.
Speaker 2 (33:44):
That makes things a little bit easier.
Speaker 3 (33:46):
You know.
Speaker 2 (33:46):
I don't think anyone should be judged on having an
ex like a past or anything. But you're in a
perfect spot. I think to kind of like conduct yourself
in a really cool way. You can go to him,
be really honest about your feelings. It does and have
to be an argument or disputatious in any way and
be like, hey, you know you told me about this.
You know your roommate, he lives with her, right, Yeah,
(34:10):
you told me about your roommate. You told me you
had sex with her a couple of times. It's kind
of bothering me. I mean, I don't want to be
crazy and tew you like to move out or anything,
But then you asked me to go dancing with her.
That kind of gave me the ick. You're kind of
giving me signals that there might be something more here
and that I don't know if we continue to date,
am I going to have to deal with this woman
(34:30):
in the background. Like, I think this is a perfect
opportunity to have really one of those honest, upfront conversations
before your head over heels. Marrying this guy or deeply
madly in love. Four months is still new enough to
get over quickly, and I think he'll show his true colors,
Like you don't want to go dancing with some roommate
that he's fucked that he's still living with. That's not
(34:51):
an ideal situation for someone. So if someone if he
really cares about you, have you guys exchanged?
Speaker 4 (34:57):
I love us yet, Yeah, we're pretty in love and Chelsea,
we kind of have had that conversation already.
Speaker 2 (35:04):
And oh sorry, I'm just fucking railing off. Yeah no,
I Anthony, why don't you tell me to shut the fuck.
Speaker 3 (35:11):
I'm not telling you to shut up.
Speaker 2 (35:12):
A sorry sorry, sorry, Laura, go on.
Speaker 4 (35:16):
Yeah, So after this little like disagreement, we had that conversation.
I was like, this is really hard for me, Like
I don't like who it's making me, Like I really
want to be chilled, Like I have a past two
where I respect that I do, but this is so
hard to deal with. So I was like, we need
to set some boundaries or something so I feel better.
And like what we came up with is he can't
hang out with her one on one, which he lives
(35:39):
with her, Like he's hanging out with her when they're
at home, Like I don't expect him to just start
being rude to her, And well, I mean I actually
would like that, but I'm not gonna ask that.
Speaker 2 (35:48):
Yeah, it starts coming home and he's a total fucking asshole.
That's fine, Yeah, and.
Speaker 4 (35:52):
He's allowed to hang out with her in groups, but
like I want to know about it, and that's kind
of where we're at. But I'm still just like struggling
with it at night when we're not together, and I know,
like I'm losing my chill.
Speaker 1 (36:02):
I'm I hate it.
Speaker 2 (36:03):
I hear you, I hear you. Was he sympathetic to
the idea of you being upset.
Speaker 4 (36:08):
With yes, and he's like looking to buy. So that's
why he likes living with her because it's a month
to monthly so we can move out really easily when
he does find the place he wants to buy, and
he's like actively working on it for sure.
Speaker 1 (36:20):
Okay, so that's nice.
Speaker 2 (36:22):
Okay, that's good. Okay, these are all good things. I
as Okay, this is going to be my advice. I
think this is perfect time for you to put your
foot down and go. You know what, I've been thinking
about this a lot lately, and I don't think I'm
going to be comfortable until you've moved out of that apartment.
Now that I have serious feelings about you, I don't
want to cut you off, like I want us to
(36:43):
continue talking, but like I really need to know that
you're going to move out and not just giving me
lip service, because it's starting to fuck with me a
little bit. And I'm looking at our relationship as like
a possible fun future, like we're going to be together
for some time, and I don't want to have this
be part of it.
Speaker 3 (37:01):
I like that there's kind of like a compliment sandwich
going on here where it's sort of like, Hey, I
fucking love you. I think that there's potential here that said,
like there's a massive roadblock. I'm really struggling and I
need your help everything that I'm kind of gathering from you.
And what Catherine kind of mentioned about like the backstory
of it all is that you've been very communicative of it.
(37:21):
And one thing that I've learned in relationships and through
therapy is that sometimes I think that they're like I
get obsessed with the idea of resolution, that there has
to be like this tangible thing that kind of happens,
and I know that it's not perfect, and I recognize
that it's like painful, and you're like in a lot
of like, odjit up you just termed that my therapist
Carol taught me. I love it. The fact that you're
(37:42):
you're able to have like that, that those open lines
of communication, even just addressing it without giving an ultimatum
or backing him into a corner or whatever it is,
makes it a safe space for him to be able
to have a conversation, to take in what your feelings
and like the stuff that you're dealing with and vice versa.
But I feel like, yeah, presenting it as sort of
(38:02):
starting with like the good and then going to like,
I'm really struggling with this and like I could use
your health not telling him specifically like get your ass
out of the house or kick her out, or imposing
like some kind of like severe like restrictions or like
or hard rules that are just gonna be hard to
abide by. It does that make sense? Yeah?
Speaker 2 (38:17):
It does.
Speaker 4 (38:18):
I have been very focused on like trying to resolve this,
and yeah, there's no resolution untilling moves out, so it's hard.
Speaker 1 (38:24):
We added a little context on you and I chatted earlier.
Tell us the timeline. So this was like a while
ago that they slept together.
Speaker 2 (38:30):
Right.
Speaker 4 (38:31):
Oh, when we had our fight, he was like getting
confused about the dates. I can be pretty intense, and
I think he got a little like flustered, like I
was questioning him a little too hard. So here's the
real timeline. We started dating last November. He moved in
with her last August, and they slept together last September.
Speaker 1 (38:48):
So I'm like, that's fresh. Okay, so like two months
before you guys got together.
Speaker 2 (38:53):
Did he how did he reveal this to you?
Speaker 4 (38:55):
So I was friends with him because we're coworkers before
and he told me about it, just kind of casually
because we were becoming good friends. He was like, yeah,
I slept with my roommate. What do you think about that?
And I was like, that's a bit messy, but okay,
So I always knew that when I started developing feelings
for him.
Speaker 1 (39:12):
Tellsey, I'm actually kind of surprised about your advice here.
What I don't know. I just I thought that your
advice would be more along the lines of, like, that's okay,
he's moving out putting Laura at Eddie's, and I'm yeah,
I just think that's very interesting.
Speaker 3 (39:28):
Oh.
Speaker 2 (39:28):
I love surprising. I love when you make joys in
life at joys in life. But like, yeah, yeah, I
I yeah, I don't know. I think there's something like
it's just an interesting start to a relationship, so you'd
want to pay attention to it.
Speaker 1 (39:42):
And you're corrected as messy.
Speaker 2 (39:43):
Yeah yeah, And it doesn't have to be messy, or
you could be clean about it, you know what I mean.
That's what I'm saying, Like you say this and you
kind of you're not breaking up with him, You're just
kind of saying like, I'm not cool. These are my standards.
They have to be met. So if you really care,
go fucking me them.
Speaker 1 (40:00):
Yeah, would you like participate in like a cooling off
period while he's looking for a house.
Speaker 2 (40:06):
He's going to want that. Yeah, Like if he's looking
for a house actively, he's going to want to be like, okayah,
you know, come with me, look at the house. Da
da da da. And then then I would be like, Okay,
you know it's clearly happening, but not until like he's
actually taking active steps that you've seen in some of
the houses, and he's doing anything he can to make
sure that you feel.
Speaker 3 (40:24):
Safe and Laura, I feel like you'll know if he's
doing those like he's gonna be He's going to want
to tell you like, oh yeah, Like I had an
appointment at a place like this place is interesting and
I didn't like it because it didn't have X, Y
and Z, But you know what I mean, Like, I
feel like he's going to include you in the narrative
because it seems like you guys communicate pretty well.
Speaker 4 (40:38):
Yeah, and I like last weekend we looked at a
house together, Like we communicate great, Like I love everything
about him except for this for.
Speaker 1 (40:45):
Those nights that you are apart and like he is
with you know, quote unquote with her at their apartment.
I'd say, like, remember that he's into you. Harness your
inner zen, and like remember that, like you're the person
that he cares about. He stops sleeping with her before
you guys started hooking up or getting together, before you
guys got together, and like you're the one he's into,
and like, rest easy in that, I think.
Speaker 2 (41:07):
But also play the role that you just said you
have played in your life, which is you're not like that. Like,
so remind yourself of the queen that you are in
the moments that you don't feel like it. Remember, yeah,
I am, I am that way. This is a circumstantial.
This is making me feel this way. These are not
logical thoughts period.
Speaker 1 (41:27):
Yeah, and like there will be a new season very
soon when he's got his own place, right.
Speaker 2 (41:32):
Yeah, yeah, totally.
Speaker 1 (41:33):
Yeah, Well matter then? Yeah, all right, Laura bust of
luck and keep us posted.
Speaker 4 (41:38):
Okay, Okay, thank you everyone, It's so nice to meet you.
Speaker 3 (41:41):
Nice to meet you.
Speaker 2 (41:42):
Okay, awesome, Bye. That was my favorite kind of call. Yeah, ever,
I know, I love that kind of personal into like
interpersonal relationships, boundaries. I'm down with all of it.
Speaker 3 (41:56):
There's so much to unpack with it, though, I feel
like I'm going to be thinking about it hours from
now being like, oh shit, I should have said that,
you know what I mean.
Speaker 1 (42:02):
I also think age, in my opinion, has something to
do with it, because she's like twenty seven. I feel like,
when you're twenty seven, like your person's exes feel so
huge and they loom so large, and to have them
in the second bedroom it's like terrifying. But if she
was ten years older, I'd be like, Okay, this isn't great.
But like, you know, we're moving forward in.
Speaker 3 (42:23):
Twenty seven year old seems so much more involved than
they did when I was twenty seven. Or maybe I'm
just internalizing because I was a mess.
Speaker 1 (42:30):
Should we take a quick break and then come back
for our list?
Speaker 2 (42:32):
Go, let's take a break and we'll come back and
do our last west. Okay, So we're gonna take a
break with Anthony Barofsky and then we're coming back. Okay,
and we're back with Antony Barovski.
Speaker 1 (42:45):
Us P Bbaraski?
Speaker 2 (42:47):
Right, Parovsky? Am I saying Barovsky close? What did I say?
Speaker 3 (42:52):
It's one letter? Oh?
Speaker 2 (42:53):
Parowski? Sorry, I've been saying, b it's a p.
Speaker 1 (42:57):
Well, Hannah says, dear Chelsea, I need advice from someone
wiser than me. The past year and a half has
been filled with change and heartbreak, leaving me feeling lonely
and lost. Growing up, I never had close friends. I
floated from group to group, but never felt truly like
I belonged. As a shy, introverted person, this wasn't surprising.
After college, I moved to Utah to be a ski bum,
(43:19):
and for the first time, I found like minded people
I belonged. I came out of my shell, built a
social life, and formed friendships where I felt supported. I
had community. Over time, we all grew up to some degree.
I became a lawyer, bought a house here, and found
ways to keep skiing into girls in my life. My
friends evolved too, and through the changes I believed we'd
(43:39):
remain close forever. But life had other plans. Friends got married,
moved away, had children, or found new priorities. The tight
knit group I cherished slowly dissolved, and I find myself
floating again. The most recent gut punch came from a
friend I've always considered family. She's planning a small bachelotte
party for her close friends, and I'm not invited. She said,
(44:00):
We're at different life stages. She and her fiance spend
time with other couples while I'm single. That's stung deeply.
Early this year, another friend ended our relationship with a
hurtful tirade. She said she didn't see a place for
me in her life because I don't want kids. It's
not that I haven't made new friends.
Speaker 3 (44:16):
I have.
Speaker 1 (44:16):
I've connected with an amazing group of women who share
my love for skiing and ice climbing. Yet I still
grieve the friendships I thought would last a lifetime, the
ones that felt like family. I feel like I've been
in a painful, unrelenting cycle of relationship loss since my
ex and I broke up in the spring of twenty
twenty three. So how do you mourn the pain of
losing friendships and how do you build meaningful friendships as
an adult, especially in the second half of your thirties. Hannah, Hi, Hi.
Speaker 2 (44:42):
Hi, This is Anthony Parowski with a piece.
Speaker 4 (44:46):
Hi.
Speaker 5 (44:46):
Nice to meet you.
Speaker 3 (44:47):
Nice to meet you. Wait, Can I ask how long
were you and your ex together when you broke up
in twenty twenty three?
Speaker 5 (44:53):
Three years.
Speaker 3 (44:54):
Three years, Okay. My therapist says it can take like
half the amount of time of the relationship to get
to a place where you kind of like feel like
you're a normal ish human being again. So I don't
know if like you're dealing with that or if that's
something that's helpful to be gentle with yourself with healing,
because it's not linear. It's super freaking messy, and you
can be feeling amazing one day and then kind of
(45:16):
go down the next.
Speaker 2 (45:17):
But Elsie thoughts, well, I was going to say, I
write about this in my new book, I'll Have What
She's Having, which just came out. I write about this
very thing about losing friendships that we've had for a
really long time, and the understanding that comes from a
lot of inner work and a lot of therapy that
not everybody is your friend forever, and some people are
(45:39):
supporting characters in your story, and sometimes we're a supporting
character in another story. The endings of friendships, while painful
and hurtful, are not meant for your grief. They're meant
to understand that that door has closed and now there's
an opening for a deeper, more profound friendship than the
ones you had before. My circle of friends now that
(46:00):
I'm about to be well, I'm fifty. When this comes out,
I'll have turned fifty. My circle of friends and the
support group I have now is more loyal, loving, supportive
than anything. It makes me understand that I'm a good person.
The people I have around me now makes me believe
I deserved this and I earned this. Whereas when I
was younger, in my forties or in my thirties, I
(46:23):
had a lot of people around me who did not
have my best interests, who did not have my support.
While I treasured our friendships with tho these people, they
were not good for me, and they outlasted their expiration
date the same way many relationships can. So our job
isn't too more and the loss of friendships. It's to
understand that that part of our life is gone and
(46:44):
to welcome the new. And there will be new friendships,
and you know now how meaningful friendships can be. So
you're going to be already operating in a different way
within a new friendship.
Speaker 5 (46:56):
So do you feel like the friendships that you've made
like that are in your close circle of friends?
Speaker 2 (47:01):
Now?
Speaker 5 (47:02):
Are they people you've met in the last like ten years.
Are there any people who.
Speaker 2 (47:06):
Yeah, tons, tons of them I've just met in the
last ten years. I have maybe three four, well, probably
more people that have been in my life for ten
plus years that are not family, you know, people that
I've known. I mean it's longer than that. The older
I get, the longer that list is. But you know,
plenty of them are new people. Like I'm always making
(47:28):
new friends, I'm always meeting new people, and I'm always
learning things and understanding like, oh, friendships can be even
richer than I had thought when I was younger.
Speaker 3 (47:38):
I one hundred percent agree with that. I think sort
of like leaning into the impermanents of things, whether it's
like a relationship or friendships. It doesn't make sense at
the time, but I feel like when I look back
at really close friends that I've lost that I thought
were going to be in my life forever, I'm sort
of like whether there was resentment, or I did the
(47:59):
cutoff or they did, or we just organically kind of
like grew apart a lot of them. Also, I can
definitely relate to, like the habit in kids part. It
all kind of like makes sense when you look back,
which is kind of like the weird thing and the
annoying thing about life is that like, once enough time
has passed and you've been able to like process the
feelings and deal with all of the different stages of brief,
(48:19):
the denial, anger, brief and depression, acceptance, like all of
that messy stuff, you look back and you're sort of like, oh,
like that kind of made sense. And I will point
to I had this argument with a friend about she
was saying, how like, oh, it's so much harder to
make friends when you're like in your thirties and your
forties than when you're younger. It's not that it's harder.
I think that it can become more challenging if you're
(48:40):
working on yourself, because your antennas are up for what
you're going to tolerate and what you're not going to tolerate.
But some of my most close I refer to it
as my board of directors. It's like the people that
I go to when I really need advice, where I
need to be like right size, who I like really
trust they're going to tell me the truth. I wouldn't
be scared of like not meeting those people at where
you're at in life. Right now because like my one
(49:01):
of my closest friends, Leah, we were like actual acquaintances
and in the past year and a half we have
become inseparable. Part of it was trauma bonding, but like
we've gotten really close. So I think just like be
open to the possibility of like that. It's never it's
just dynamic and there's impermanence and things end and it's
like there's it's way, it's that whole like that dumb
(49:21):
line about well, it's not that dumb, because I think
it makes sense. It's like people are in your life
for like a reason, a season or a lifetime or
whatever it is. I do really believe.
Speaker 2 (49:28):
That does any of this help you?
Speaker 5 (49:31):
Yeah, and all of this is helpful. Hearing it back
is helpful.
Speaker 2 (49:35):
Yeah. Don't spend time thinking about the past and relationships
that are not no longer there. There's no there's it's
just kind of a wasted regret and it's an old habit.
Just focus on the now and the possibilities of the
future and being grateful for everyone in your life that
you do like and all the new people. Just show
a lot of gratitude and it'll keep showing up for you.
Speaker 5 (49:56):
The newer friends that made are great and it's been
really fun to have them. So I felt a little
awkward being upset about this, but it's like a big
change for me to go through.
Speaker 3 (50:07):
And I think that's a bit You seem like a vulnerable,
sensitive human being, which are really beautiful things, and maybe
the way you're feeling that way is because you care,
because you give a shit about them, and like, yeah,
it sucks when people leave our lives and it's like
they were there for a really important, important chapter and
we learn so much of them. But I think being
like knowing the difference between what I can change in
my life and I'm not good at this, so I
(50:29):
have to remind myself all the time the things that
I can't control versus the things that I can. I
constantly have to be checking myself and being like, why
am I focusing all my energy on this thing that
I have no control over? That's like in the past,
as opposed to like I can focus to Chelsea's point
about gratitude or or like spend time on the wonderful
people who are in your life, you know what I mean.
(50:49):
Like I've had that situation with family cutoffs where people
completely cut each other off. We've been each other our
entire lives because we just don't know how to talk
to each other. And at one point it's sort of like,
you're not going to give me the fucking time of
to day. I'm sorry, I'm going to focus on someone
who is I can put my all, my attention to
my love towards them, because you clearly have so much
to give. All right, I know that sounded really queer,
(51:09):
I but I mean that. I don't know. You just
seem like a really sweet girl.
Speaker 5 (51:13):
The friend who didn't invite me to the bachelorette party,
she texted me last week and asked if I would
still do the flowers for her wedding.
Speaker 3 (51:21):
So do I do it?
Speaker 2 (51:26):
I'll apply that part again.
Speaker 5 (51:28):
Friend who told me I'm not a close friend and
not invited to her bachelorette texted me to ask if
I would still do the flowers for her wedding.
Speaker 3 (51:36):
And they're like a beautiful venus fly trap, Like, as.
Speaker 1 (51:39):
You're going to hire you to do her flowers because
that's a very expensive proposition.
Speaker 5 (51:44):
No, it was something I had offered to do way back.
Speaker 2 (51:48):
Just say, when I got disinvited from you know whatever
the bachelorette weekend. I just assumed that you didn't want
me to make the flowers, so I haven't planned on
doing that, right, Why would you do that for her?
Speaker 1 (52:00):
Are you going to the wedding as well?
Speaker 5 (52:01):
I'm invited?
Speaker 2 (52:03):
Yeah? Are you? Do you want to go?
Speaker 5 (52:06):
I feel like it might be more awkward if I don't.
I don't know.
Speaker 3 (52:11):
Trust your gut though, Sit in senative for a moment, like,
wait until the RSVP is due, and like think about it,
cause it's like you've got to take care of yourself too,
and if, like, if she made you feel that way,
I don't like that.
Speaker 2 (52:23):
No, that's nasty.
Speaker 3 (52:25):
It sounds like the friendship is on her terms. I
don't want you in this, but like I want you
to do that, Like I don't like that. I don't
like to exist in space like that.
Speaker 2 (52:32):
Yeah, And I don't like that you being taken advantage
of in that way, Like, say you were to show
up with those flowers. What does that say about you
that you don't someone who's close any dignity.
Speaker 1 (52:41):
Yeah, someone who's close enough to do flowers for your
wedding at no cost is someone who should be invited
to be close friends quote unquote bachelorette party.
Speaker 2 (52:49):
Yeah yeah, maybe write that and just say so, I
am assuming you don't expect that since I'm not invited
to the thing, I'm assuming you don't want me to.
Speaker 1 (52:57):
Right what you said before about like so I wasn't
planning on I love that language. I think that's great language.
Speaker 3 (53:03):
Also, playing the tape forward, I can imagine you would
enjoy the process with all of the weight around this
of planning flowers for her. That feels like a personal
intimate thing.
Speaker 2 (53:11):
It's almost like you have no backbone if you do that.
And it's not about ego. It's just about like you're
treating me like shit and I'm taking it like in
the mouth. No, thank you. And also that's like, please
have some sort of positive affirmation that you do in
the morning, like reminding yourself that you're a powerful woman
and you don't have and you have the ability to
(53:31):
not allow people to push you around, and that you're
valuable and your friendship is valuable. Keep saying that to yourself.
Speaker 5 (53:39):
Thank you, I appreciate it, Thanks Hannah, thank you.
Speaker 2 (53:43):
Yeah, okay, and start believing it too, please, thank you.
Class is dismissed. Thank you guys. First of all, Anthony,
what a fun fun You're my favorite queer eye so
far out of the two far definitely better. Yeah, you're definitely.
I'm your my favorite over Bobby Burke. And I'll tell
them too his face when I see him. Are you
in New York?
Speaker 3 (54:04):
New York is home, but I'm currently in LA this week?
Speaker 1 (54:07):
Oh okay, and Anthony, where can people find no taste
like home?
Speaker 3 (54:12):
So glad you asked. It's gonna be unlinear on Natio
on February twenty third, and then Disney Plus and Hulu
on the twenty four. Oh Disney please, Daddy, Daddy Disney.
Speaker 1 (54:22):
Daddy Disney owns everything. Now, all right, thank you so much, Anthony.
Speaker 3 (54:28):
Chelsea enjoy all the skiing and fucking hot coco and
the powder. I was just an Aspen for Gay Ski Week,
which is so unlike me. But I'm like trying to
make more game friends. Yeah, since I was four years old.
Oh fun, I'm sick for it. It's there's nothing, there's
nothing more freeing than skiing.
Speaker 2 (54:46):
Oh yeah, I love skiing.
Speaker 3 (54:49):
Yeah, it's amazing.
Speaker 2 (54:50):
You appreciate that. Do do do do do do drum roll, Catherine,
please Chelsea. Handler Abroad. Abroad is my European tour, which
I just announced. Tickets go on sale tomorrow or today
or there's a pre sale code Chelsea. So I'm coming
to obviously find a husband abroad. I need to get
(55:14):
the health out of this fucking country and it's not
as easy as you think. So I'm coming to Rekuvik.
I'm coming to Dublin. I'm coming to the UK. I'm
coming to Brussels, Paris, Belfast in May and June. I'm
coming to Oslo, Stockholm, to Copenhagen, Manchester, London, Glasgow, New Zurich, Vienna.
(55:37):
I've never ever been to Vienna, Berlin, Barcelona and Lisbon.
I'm coming abroad is abroad.
Speaker 1 (55:45):
That sounds like fun. I'm going to go see you abroad.
Speaker 4 (55:47):
I r O.
Speaker 2 (55:48):
I want to go see me abroad and there all
be there, All be okay. All Upcoming Vegas dates March
twenty first, April eighteenth, July fifth, August thirtieth, November one
and twenty nine at the Cosmopolitan of Las Vegas. My
book tour. I'll have what she's having means I am
doing book events. February twenty sixth Brookline Booksmith February twenty seven, Cincinnati, Ohio,
(56:13):
February twenty eighth at the h Foundation in Chicago, and
Barnes and Noble at The Grove in Los Angeles on
March first, and then Seattle, Washington on March third, Elliott
Bay and I'll see you guys all there.
Speaker 1 (56:26):
If you'd like advice from Chelsea, shoot us an email
at Dear Chelsea podcast at gmail dot com and be
sure to include your phone number. Dear Chelsea is edited
and engineered by Brad Dickert executive producer Catherine Law and
be sure to check out our March at Chelseahandler dot
com
Hi Catherine, Hi Chelsea, Happy birthday.
Speaker 2 (00:04):
It's my birthday today. Even though this is airing on Thursday,
we're recording it on my fiftieth birthday. Everybody, I am
fifty years old. Five Oh baby.
Speaker 1 (00:16):
You know it's a significant birthday, and hopefully this year
will be just as significant.
Speaker 2 (00:21):
It's gonna be significant in more ways than one, hopefully
more good ways than bad ways.
Speaker 1 (00:26):
Good. I mean, your book is out, You're going on
tour in Europe. You have like all these things when
you're just still doing your book tour.
Speaker 2 (00:33):
My book is available, everybody. It is finally on the shelves.
So if you are listening to this podcast and you're
an avid listener, not only do I want you to
go and purchase my book, I want you to leave
a review on Amazon or Barnesandnoble dot com. Support the
book if you like it, If you love it, tag
me and tell me which part you love the most.
(00:54):
I'll retag you and repost you. But I want lots
of interactions. So please, all my podcast listeners, this is
our moment.
Speaker 1 (01:03):
This is it. This is it. So where's your birthday
party in New York? Can you talk about where? When?
All the exciting things.
Speaker 2 (01:09):
It's just we threw it together. It's tonight at Mulberry
or the Mulberry, I don't know, some little kind of
bar restaurant situation. And I'm going to the ninety second
street Wide to have a conversation with tanks about my book.
I've done fifty seven talk shows in twenty four hours
and fifty thousand podcasts, and definitely people know I have
(01:32):
a book out. There's no way around it.
Speaker 1 (01:35):
Good good, I'm so glad. And people may notice that
you sound a little bit different right now, and that's
because you are literally in the glam chair getting ready
to go do both of those things.
Speaker 2 (01:44):
Also, I want to remind people that my Owlsbrew is
on the shelves. Chelsea Handler's vodka Lemonade is available now
in store. So if you have a book club and
you guys want to drink while you're reading, which is
definitely what you should be doing, and not even if
you are reading the book, just if you want some nice,
smooth vodka lemonade mixes. We have Classic, we have Pink,
and we have Mint. And I'm so excited about this
(02:06):
collab with Owls Brew, So please show your support when
you can if you like beverages that are mixed, smooth
and non carbonated. We made them especially for well, for
me and for you and Chelsea.
Speaker 1 (02:19):
We know you have good taste. So we're so excited
for our guests today too. It's Anthony Parovski, Oh my.
Speaker 2 (02:26):
God, wonderful. Let's get the fucking party.
Speaker 1 (02:28):
Started, and Anthony Perevski's new show, No Taste Like Home
is on Disney Plus and Nat Geo.
Speaker 2 (02:36):
Okay, am I unmuted?
Speaker 1 (02:39):
You are muted now, Chelsea.
Speaker 2 (02:41):
I'm I'm muted.
Speaker 3 (02:43):
Oh okay, now, hi nice.
Speaker 2 (02:50):
I don't know, guys, I'm sorry. I really don't even
know how the fuck to use a computer. I mean,
it really does not matter how many times a week
I do this. I really still can't understand and what's
going on, nor do I have any interest in finding out.
Speaker 1 (03:03):
Case in point.
Speaker 3 (03:04):
So this is your first ever podcast episode, right, and
I'm honored to be your first.
Speaker 2 (03:08):
Tax I mean you would you would think so?
Speaker 3 (03:10):
Yeah, it's probably like I can barely send a fucking email.
Speaker 2 (03:13):
So, but you're younger, You're a different generation.
Speaker 3 (03:16):
I'm forty, I'm most spring Chicken.
Speaker 2 (03:18):
That makes you what a millennial forty is that right.
Congratulations on your new show, by the way, that it's
so sweet, you know, I love that shit. I love
when you can go travel and have a really beautiful
situation and then also talk to people there about the
culture and like make that actually palatable. For people who
don't give a shit about other people's culture, it's a
(03:41):
way for them to no pun intended, swallow it now totally.
Speaker 3 (03:44):
Well, I think it takes. My therapist always says she
can attribute ninety nine point nine percent of the world's
problems to a lack of embracing of diversity. And we're
afraid of what we don't understand, and that's how we
end up we I'm saying collectively, but them, that's how
like you end up judging people and stereotypes and all
that kind of stuff. And when you get to know
an individual and you get to know even just like
(04:05):
the history of addition, like what influenced it and all
that kind of stuff, it just makes it less scary
and sorry for the comparison, but like more palatable. You know.
Speaker 2 (04:13):
Well, it's also like I was reading something or listening
to something who knows what I was doing, and they
were talking about the idea that the color of your skinner,
the way that you look makes you different, like that
whole somebody had to build that notion because it's so
fucking stupid. It's like imagining opening up a box of
crayons and having one color.
Speaker 3 (04:33):
I just want to ask, it's the add kicking in.
I see beautiful like snow covered trees. Where are you?
Speaker 2 (04:38):
I'm in Whistler, Canada.
Speaker 3 (04:39):
Fuck yeah, I love it so much. I lived there
for four months.
Speaker 2 (04:43):
You did why well?
Speaker 3 (04:44):
In Vancouver and my sister was running a bunch of
stores called Aritzia.
Speaker 2 (04:47):
Oh my god, yeah, they give me stuff all the time.
Last year they came I came in and they were like,
we want to give you free jackets. I was like,
that's amazing.
Speaker 3 (04:55):
Go ahead, have a line called TNA that my sister called.
Speaker 2 (04:57):
Tits and ass where's your accent? From?
Speaker 3 (05:00):
My accent? I'm Canadian originally, I'm from Montreal. Our family's Polish.
You have Polish ancestry, do I? Apparently?
Speaker 2 (05:08):
How do you know that?
Speaker 3 (05:10):
When we were casting the really big web of like
dream people, I'm just gonna like throw it out there.
Me and my sister like, forty percent of our identity
is you like we find that were you, and You're
just so fucking funny. She's losing her shit. This is
the coolest thing I've ever done, in her eyes, more
than like all fucking seasons of Queer Eye. So she
was just really excited about this.
Speaker 2 (05:29):
Ah, that's really cute. I love it.
Speaker 3 (05:32):
We did initial research and just by googling, we found
out that you supposedly have some Polish heritage.
Speaker 2 (05:37):
Well, I definitely have some Eastern European in there, so
I'm sure that at one point everything was Poland, wasn't it.
So I'm sure it was Poland. But I love that
I'm forty percent of your personality. That really makes me prideful.
I love that kind of stuff. So when you were
doing these, like whenever I have to travel for work,
I always find it it's such a great idea, and
(05:59):
then you do it and you're working instead of actually traveling,
and I would always be like, I have to come
back to this place when I'm not working, Like we
went to Saint Peter's or no, we went to Moscow,
and that's one place I actually don't have to go
back to. But when we were there, I was like,
it would be such a different experience if we weren't filming.
I mean, the point of going is to film, but
(06:20):
then you want like an extra two days to vacation.
Speaker 3 (06:23):
I mean what I do is typically I try to
get somewhere at least a few days earlier. First of all,
jet lag, because it just wipes me off my ass,
and I have to like, what do you.
Speaker 2 (06:31):
Take for jet lag? Do do you take new Vigil?
New Vigil's a good pill for jet lag if you
can get a prescription for it.
Speaker 3 (06:36):
Oh, my dad's a physician, and so is my stepmom,
so I'll get it. I love the oh pharmaceuticals.
Speaker 2 (06:41):
Oh yeah, it's like adderall but smooth, like it doesn't
make you jumpy, and it makes you like if you
have jet lag and you have to go somewhere, you
know that feeling is like almost it feels insurmountable.
Speaker 3 (06:52):
Oh, I go cross side and then I try to
stay a few days afterwards. Just take it into like,
cause it's like, when the hell am I going to
end up in Borneo again? You know what I mean?
Speaker 4 (07:01):
Right?
Speaker 2 (07:02):
Probably next season. But I hear what you're saying, So
what's your situation? Are you gay? Straight, fluid? All of
the above, so.
Speaker 3 (07:11):
I mean, my past few relationships have been with guys.
I'm still consider myself attracted to women. I've had a
lot of relationships with women, and I don't know. It's like,
if you had to put me in a box, I
think it would be lilid.
Speaker 2 (07:24):
I guess fluid. I mean, who isn't really fluid when
you really think about it. I think everybody's a little
bit of something. You know, it's a spectrum, just like
everything else.
Speaker 3 (07:35):
I mean, like, how could you know to Zoe Kravitz?
Speaker 2 (07:37):
You know, right, of course? Of course, obviously there are
exceptions to every rule, even if there are no rules.
What's your family situation? Do you have a brother?
Speaker 4 (07:46):
No?
Speaker 3 (07:46):
So I wish in Actually, in elementary school, I used
to lie that my mom was pregnant and I was
going to have a brother, And they would come back
from parent teacher conference and be like, you need to
stop fucking telling everyone that I'm pregnant because it's super awkward.
Like I'm having it, I'm in a mauzzle.
Speaker 2 (08:00):
Yeah, I used to lie all the time at school.
Speaker 3 (08:02):
I have two older sisters, raised in a very matriarchal household.
Parents are Polish. Everyone was born in Poland or my
father in Brussels because his family fled there after the war.
I was the first one born in Canada.
Speaker 2 (08:13):
Oh okay, yeah. I lied to my teachers all the
time too, by the way, whatever, anytime there was an
opportunity for a lie, I would lie to them just
because I thought they were kind of insulting to my intelligence.
Speaker 3 (08:24):
You know.
Speaker 2 (08:24):
I'm like, they were going to tell me what to do,
like I just couldn't. I couldn't square.
Speaker 3 (08:29):
It's like you get to know the real me.
Speaker 2 (08:31):
Yeah, but also you get caught for it, and then
it's super embarrassing because they're like, you're not going to
be in the Private Benjamin movie. You're not Goldiehn's daughter,
You're actually psychopath. And you're like, oh, maybe I am
a little bit of a psychopath. I started watching the
Aquafina episode and I was seemed like she was going
to start crying, and I was like, oh, I would
love to see her that vulnerable.
Speaker 1 (08:50):
Yes, she I feel like she mostly cries. Of the episode,
there's like more tears than not tears. Wow, yes, yes.
Speaker 2 (08:58):
Wow, Well we haven't seen that side of Aquafina. That's
pretty cool.
Speaker 3 (09:02):
That was by far the most emotional episode. I mean,
I like snot cried. There were it was embarrassing, but
there are a few scenes were like she had to actually
take care of me. So with Nora, she hadn't been
back to South Korea since her mother passed away when
she was four years old. My mother had this really
rare illness that she developed as a result of her pregnancy,
and they basically she had a few months left to live,
(09:24):
and she decided what western medicine, I'm going to lean
into Eastern practices and she lived until Nora was four.
And the dish that kind of like brought it all together.
We were sitting with this woman who had a PhD
in fermentation, who like supposedly according to herself, cured herself
with breast cancer using Eastern practices, was making this soup
with this broth and this rehydrated kelp and these pieces
(09:45):
of beef, and Nora smelled it as we were doing it,
and she got really emotional and started getting shaky, and
she was like, wait, I remember this scent from when
I was four years old. And then we learned that
this is something in mythology that Koreans used to look
at whales giving birth and they were depleted of eyes,
and they would eat calp to make themselves feel better
because food truly is medicine in their culture. Like themation
(10:06):
is we NESCo protected and so this won't Like for
Nora to have that realization that her mom not only
made a suit for herself but fed it to her
daughter as a way of trying to heal herself was
just one of them of most Wow, wild wild Wow,
that's really deep. Yeah.
Speaker 1 (10:20):
Yeah, watching someone like take a bite of something, she
takes one bite and like bursts into tears and is
just transported. That's the power of scentse that's the power
of food. And I think it's surprising because the show
is not people would expect like, oh, Antony's gonna go
do a cooking shows, and it's not strictly a cooking show.
It's a little bit who do you Think you are?
A little bit Anthony Bourday, like very beautifully produced, like
(10:44):
really rich storytelling, gorgeous vistas.
Speaker 2 (10:47):
I went on, who do you think you are? Did
you ever do that? Antony?
Speaker 3 (10:50):
No?
Speaker 2 (10:51):
I did it. My director and I did not get
along either. He was really annoying.
Speaker 3 (10:55):
It's just like you're sitting there at a tablet that
is a comp that we use when we were developing
the show, and it's fine. It's interesting to learn about
your family history and all these people that you don't
know about, but to actually have it be experiential and
go in and try that things within their environment and
understand what was going on. We meet the historians and
genealogists who are like way fucking smarter than I am,
(11:15):
who are able to provide context into like what was
going on culturally and politically at the time. And it's
like the most basic things, Like we were in Senegal
and we try this thing called dombey, which is like
a bagette with a bean stew in it, and you
learn that the importance of it is because you know,
French occupation for hundreds of the years they left. The
Senegalese were like, we're gonna take the baguett, We're gonna
fucking make it better, softer, sweeter, We're gonna put in
(11:38):
our own stew. And now it's basically become It's kind
of like when you're in La and you see like
burrito stands on every corner. It's like everyone enjoys it.
And this is something that is lily with history and
has all of these clues as to like what was
going on at the time. It's just fascinating.
Speaker 2 (11:53):
That is fascinating. It's so cool. Yeah, it's so cool
to be passionate about it. It's also it is very
Anthony Bourdain.
Speaker 1 (12:00):
We need that.
Speaker 2 (12:01):
Are you hoping to fill his shoes? I mean, obviously
you don't want to fill his shoes, but you do
want to fill his shoes.
Speaker 3 (12:06):
I mean, look, I like I read his books, so
I was obsessed with him growing up. I certainly don't
want to be derivative. It is something that comes to mind.
I think where he really excelled was using food as
that vehicle to tell those personal stories for people to
understand what was going on in the Middle East and
all these other places in the world where it was like,
it's about the food, but it's not really about the food.
It's everything that's kind of tied around it. And I
(12:27):
think what we learn from him is that he just
went personal and he got to know, like, you got
to tell these like human stories.
Speaker 2 (12:33):
You know, what is your least favorite food that you've
experienced so far? You have to be honest.
Speaker 3 (12:38):
Yeah, in Borneo, it didn't make it to the final cut.
But I tried Durian. Are you familiar? No?
Speaker 1 (12:44):
Thinky fruit?
Speaker 3 (12:45):
Right, smells like like a rotting chicken carcats like old
fruit situation. But one of our camera ops described it
as an overly ripe camembert with really sharp garlic. It's
intense and funky all put almost anything in my mouth.
It's one of those things that, like I tried it,
I don't need to go back there again. It was
(13:06):
a lot of funk.
Speaker 2 (13:07):
What is going on in Borneo exactly?
Speaker 3 (13:11):
So with that was the Henry Golding episode. And his
mother is his father's British ex military His mother is
Ebon traditional, like an indigenous tribe in Sarrowwalk, and they
lived in these longhouses where like forty to sixty families
have their own living quarters and then the other half
of the long house. It's literally a longhouse in the
(13:31):
middle of the jungle. And it's these communal spaces where
they like teach each other to like cut bamboo and
put the rice in and put it on the fire
so that it becomes really nice and sticky. And it's
just with Henry, it was tricky because he knew so
much about his family history but we actually uncovered that
he had literal headhunters in his family line, and he
had multiples of them, and he had like a witch
(13:54):
and just kind of like learning about the spiritual practice
and like the spiritual significance of headhunting when they would
literally bring back these to their tribe. He remembered when
he was a kid.
Speaker 2 (14:02):
He I was like, I was like, what kind of
head hunter are we talking for a job?
Speaker 3 (14:06):
Not the one I'm.
Speaker 2 (14:07):
Thinking, Not the one I'm thinking of.
Speaker 3 (14:09):
RCT, not our agents. But he remembers being a kid
and he was like, I actually remember seeing like human
skulls on like shelves. So to kind of like learn
the context of the whole thing is just I mean,
it's a whole other world. I tried things like torch ginger.
I tried eight wild ferns, which were freaking delicious, and
wild egg plant, and it's like everything that they have there.
(14:31):
It was like such a balance of I've never felt
like I was more out in the wild, like in
the literal middle of nowhere in nature and just away
from civilization, but at the same time this very human
thing of like the sense of community. I've never experienced
it more strongly than I did being with those people
for a week.
Speaker 2 (14:49):
Wow, that's so cool.
Speaker 3 (14:51):
I felt like Indiana Jones, All.
Speaker 2 (14:53):
Right, let's not get carried away. Did you bring a
lover with you or were you on your own with
your crew? Like did you bring up plus one?
Speaker 3 (14:59):
I was on on my own with the crew.
Speaker 2 (15:02):
Yeah, it's nice to do that on your own, especially
with a crew, because it's like camp.
Speaker 3 (15:06):
It's a small crew, like Queer Eye, where like worship
a ton of people and we're in the US where
you have trailers and everything there. You don't have any
of that. When you're in northern Italy with Justin Thurreaux
or in Borneo. It's like you're waiting, like you're waiting
in a car.
Speaker 2 (15:19):
So you don't have a significant other in your dating
life right now, or you just kind of dating single,
single and mingle.
Speaker 3 (15:26):
By the point where I feel like, whenever I have
something big or that i'm really excited about professionally, the
way that it works out, I always happen to be single.
Speaker 2 (15:33):
I'm so with you on that.
Speaker 3 (15:35):
So with you, I get too. Yeah, because I thought
the love relationships, I love the melding and getting to
know each other's families and like and.
Speaker 2 (15:43):
Then breaking up. Yeah, in that order, Like it's okay
to break up, but that's not a bad thing. That
means it's time to move on to something else, Like
we need to start celebrating divorces and breakups. Who cares.
It's great, it's a new beginning.
Speaker 3 (15:56):
The lessons you know what to take on to the
next one you have.
Speaker 2 (15:58):
Hopefully you learn the lesson. Some people are really really
remedial and you need to learn the lesson multiple times.
But some people really learn lessons and then that's really nice.
And then you have a celebration, Like every relationship is
a celebration. You got to know yourself a little bit better.
Speaker 3 (16:12):
Yeah, and it's a cycle too, like I'm closer with
my friends when I'm not in a relationship, I get
to spend more time with my family. It's you know,
have you.
Speaker 2 (16:20):
Had your heart broken?
Speaker 3 (16:22):
Yes?
Speaker 2 (16:23):
What was that?
Speaker 5 (16:24):
Like?
Speaker 3 (16:24):
It was devastating, It was really hard. It was I
don't know, Sorry, I didn't expect that, but it was.
It kind of having your heart broken or having my
heart broken just put into play and had me questions
sort of like do I need to change as a
person in some ways? And then in other ways it
was like, oh no, like I really fucking did my best,
wasn't perfect, made some mistakes, but like I really fucking
(16:47):
showed up. I put in the work, I gave it
all I could. I don't have any regrets. And then
sometimes I question myself and I'm like, is there anything
that I need to change? Am I to this or
to that? And but I'm like obsessed with therapy. I've
been going on and off since I was seventeen, and
for me, it's like I love self improvement, and then
it just kind of brings up that whole notion of
do I want to change and do I want to evolve?
(17:09):
But I'm also forty and I'm kind of like I'm
half baked at this point. I'm like parts of me
are the way that they are, and I should just
accept myself for who I am, as opposed to striving
to change all the time. So I'm in constant I'm
always in conflict with myself over like change, growth, evolve, adapt,
be better, listen to fucking mel Robbins. And then the
other side of like no, like just be happy with
(17:30):
who I am and content and like they should fucking
figure it out. You know.
Speaker 2 (17:34):
Yeah, and evolved doesn't mean change, Like you don't have
to change, You just get better at being who you are.
So whatever qualities you have, good or bad, should always stay.
You should just be able to you know when to
control them, and then they become even more enhanced. The
more evolved you become, everything just gets better. So there's yeah,
you should have no apologies about your personality. That just
(17:56):
keeps improving and improving as long as you're willing to
take a look at yourself and admit when you're wrong,
which is so hard for so many people to do.
Like people don't and they don't know how to change.
It's like change is so fucking easy. I haven't had
a drink for fucking four weeks because of this shoulder
situation I'm in, and like, finally I'm understanding the benefits
of not drinking, Like I went to two things without
(18:18):
drinking and I had a great time. And I'm like, oh,
I see the other side. This is like God's way
of getting me to just be sober. I'm like, no
matter what, though, I will never give up on alcohol,
like you will not ever get me to quit drinking,
so I might become like less of a drinker, but
I will not ever give up on alcohol. We've had
a good thing going for many, many years, forty years. Anyway,
(18:40):
I digress, as I always do.
Speaker 3 (18:43):
We're in the same boat.
Speaker 2 (18:45):
We're vibing, right, so it's okay. But anyway, we're going
to get to the show. Now. You know what goes
on here right Like, we're going to give advice to people,
and they're gonna call in and they're gonna want to
They're gonna want your full attention, so you better get
ready for it. Catherine, tell us what's happening.
Speaker 1 (19:02):
Oh, we have some great questions for you, Anthony. But
we'll take a quick break and we'll come right back.
Speaker 2 (19:11):
And we're back with Anthony Perovsky.
Speaker 1 (19:14):
Yes, I have a husband who is a lover of
Queer Eye, and I was like watching some of the
episodes of your new show on my computer, just like
in the same room as him, and he goes, is
that Anthony? So he recognized your voice?
Speaker 2 (19:28):
I was like, it is.
Speaker 3 (19:29):
Actually, did you ask him whose favorite member of the
Fab five is?
Speaker 1 (19:33):
Of course?
Speaker 2 (19:33):
And he said, Anthony, You're my favorite so far. But
I don't know, and I don't know if I know
every single one of them.
Speaker 1 (19:40):
Well, we had Bobby Burke on the show. We had
Bobby Burke and Caramo. Haven't had Ja Vienne.
Speaker 2 (19:46):
And then there's the Salt Pepper.
Speaker 1 (19:48):
We haven't had Tan. Yeah right, Tan and our new
friend dere Maya.
Speaker 2 (19:53):
Yeah, okay, perfect, I'm going to take a break then
I'll be right back.
Speaker 3 (19:57):
Ah she's in a Whistler I'm so jealous.
Speaker 1 (20:00):
Yeah, so what were you doing living in Whistler.
Speaker 3 (20:02):
Well, not whistle I was in Vancouver, but we would
go on weekends with my sister.
Speaker 1 (20:06):
Are you a ski bum?
Speaker 3 (20:07):
I am? I am skiing since I was like four
years old.
Speaker 1 (20:10):
Oh my gosh, Well Canadian that makes sense, I guess.
Speaker 3 (20:13):
Yeah, yeah, it's kind of mandatory.
Speaker 1 (20:15):
Yeah, I am not a ski bum, but I'm a
ski lodge bum. Like I like to be in the
lodge with a cup of coco and a book under
a cozy plank, like that's what I want.
Speaker 3 (20:26):
Yes, and maybe a poutine. I know that's really Canadian
of me to say, but like, come on.
Speaker 1 (20:30):
Well, see I grew up in Chicago and had a
lot of Michigan or friends, and they claim that poutine
is from Michigan, which we all know that that is
a reach, but they do love their poin.
Speaker 3 (20:41):
Let us let us have Canada. I like Trump's trying
to fucking make it part of the U. I like,
just let us have our own thing, you know, leave
us alone. Poutine is Canadian.
Speaker 1 (20:50):
Yeah, I'm with you on that, Okay, Kenn.
Speaker 3 (20:52):
Don't make it a thing. It's literally our entire national identity.
It's fucking fries and gravy and cheese cards.
Speaker 2 (20:57):
Yes, cheese cards pretty disgusting.
Speaker 3 (21:01):
When they're mouthy.
Speaker 2 (21:02):
They're pretty good, they're so oh of course they're good,
but they're disgusting good that that's disgusting, Like I'd rather
eat like.
Speaker 3 (21:09):
Yeah, it's like good. It's like proper trash.
Speaker 2 (21:11):
Yes, proper trash, but I'd rather there's other proper trash.
I prefer over that. Like what I'm trying to think,
but like it's got to be traut.
Speaker 3 (21:20):
You love a McDonald what's like your fuck it thing?
Speaker 2 (21:23):
Like a pig and a blanket. I fucking love that.
Speaker 3 (21:26):
Polo bar pigs and blankets, perfect ratio of crust and.
Speaker 2 (21:31):
The crustbae like that leaf what is it called that
filo dough? Yeah? I love it when it's just fucking
thin and flaky, and it's a burnt it kind of chrispy.
Speaker 3 (21:43):
Greeny honey mustard, just to dip into it with that sharpness.
Speaker 2 (21:46):
Yeah, I like yellow mustard. I like yellow jew jew mustard.
Speaker 1 (21:51):
Excellent. Well, we'll get to colors now, so.
Speaker 2 (21:54):
Let's do it. I can't wait. I can't wait to
see Anthony giving advice.
Speaker 3 (21:59):
Oh god, how literally my least favorite thing to do.
I hate unsolicited advice, but this is solicited, so it's fine.
Speaker 1 (22:05):
Exactly, exactly. Well. Our first question comes from Priscilla. Dear Chelsea,
I am in a pickless pickle. I've been with my
husband for almost ten years now. He's six years older
than me. I'm thirty three and he's thirty nine, and
we grew up together. I've had a crush on him
since I was a kid and still do. He's my
best friend and I'm certain he feels the same way.
(22:28):
One problem is that I've learned over the years we're
not sexually compatible. At the beginning, it was fireworks incredible,
but then quickly fizzled out due to quote unquote stress.
I'm always the one initiating telling him what to do
not do, and if I'm honest, the sex lasts less
than five minutes, and I'm rarely satisfied. It's a miracle.
We got pregnant twice, both times on the very first try.
(22:51):
He's the sole provider for the family and has a
very stressful job. He's a general contractor and is always
extremely busy with work. He gets calls about flooding basements,
money issues, gree trades, etc. At all hours of the day.
This plus some financial issues all way heavily on his shoulders.
I have a part time job, but it hardly covers groceries,
and soon I'll be busy with a new baby. I
feel like I can't help carry the burden. He can't
(23:13):
turn off his brain from all the stress and get
in the mood unless he's drunk, which is a major
turn off and again leaves me unsatisfied. Over the years,
It's become as soon as I get this job done,
I'll be less stressed, as soon as as soon as
I've come to realize he's maybe just not as sexually
charged as I am. For a while, I thought it
was me am I not sexy enough. But we've talked
(23:34):
about it and it's not that I can say for certain.
He's not gay. I've seen his Internet search history. I
can say for certain he's not getting it elsewhere. He's
too busy. I feel cheated. I've been told my whole
life that all men want or think about is sex.
I don't know any female that has been in this
position before. We've been to a sex therapist and had
to stop due to lack of money and time. He
(23:54):
was open to it, but good therapy is expensive. Divorce
does not feel like an option, and I don't feel
like an open marriage is either. Because of our small community,
I have no answers, My friends have no answers, and
he has no answers, which leaves me in a Piccolis
Pickle help, Priscilla, Anthony, what are you thinking?
Speaker 3 (24:12):
Okay? Off the top of my head. Near the beginning,
I felt like she was making a lot of excuses
for him, which kind of like bothered me a little bit.
I also felt there's something about it that just kind
of made me sad, Like she just feel like I
feel like she's like in a really helpless She's just
like out of options and the options that I was
trying to think of of, like talk to a sex therapist,
(24:33):
talk to a therapist, in general check in with like
do you guys have different libidos? Are you not compatible
on that front? To like even opening up the marriage
in some way. All of that was kind of cabashed
in the explanation, So I think it's like, like, dude,
you need to like go revisit some of that stuff
because I really don't know you want to be with
the person, but it's like I don't know because I'm
torn because it's like, at the same time, like I
(24:54):
feel like I have a pretty high libido and physical
and sexual intimacy are incredibly important to me. Yeah. Yeah,
But I also know people out there who've had really
long relationships where there is a disconnect and they love
each other unconditionally, they respect each other, they're each other
is like biggest fucking cheerleaders, but they don't necessarily have that.
So it's like, again, it goes back to what I
was saying earlier about like accepting things the way they
(25:17):
are and then being like, no, I need change. I'm
a little torn, Chelsea.
Speaker 2 (25:20):
I mean I feel the same way. It's kind of
hard to say because it obviously matters to her because
she's talking about open marriage and whatever. If sex is
that important to you, which to most of us it is.
I'm one of those people that I want sex. I'm
not just like looking for somebody to hang out with.
If I had to choose hanging out or sex, I
would choose sex. So I think that it depends how
(25:43):
important is to you if it is a deal breaker.
I mean, if he can't perform sexually, like if whatever
his issues are, it's usually has nothing to do with
a woman. So I'm glad that you already figured that out.
Speaker 1 (25:54):
It's not because you're not sexy enough.
Speaker 2 (25:56):
Yeah, well, she already expressed that in the letter, said
that she knows it's not her. It's something to do
with him and that's his issue. Like are you willing
to put up with that because you love him? Like
I would say, life's too short, Like you could put
up with it for a while. I mean, it's great
that he was open to go when he's sex therapist,
but to what avail, Like, so you're not fixing the problem,
and it seems like a pretty important problem to be fixing.
(26:19):
So I just think that, like, you know, you've got
to either go the extra distance and really exhaust all
possibilities of finding out what the possible solutions are and
finding one that works for you. And if you don't,
then what's your game plan on? Like are you going
to hang out with him and be okay with that
in some sort of like sexless relationship for the rest
(26:42):
of your life.
Speaker 1 (26:42):
See, I feel like there is room for a third
option here because a third person.
Speaker 2 (26:47):
There's definitely room for a third person to come in
and fuck the shit out of our.
Speaker 1 (26:50):
There definitely is. But when we think about sex as
far as like this couple goes, we're thinking usually about
like she is thinking about penetrative sex. It lasts five minutes,
she's not saying satisfied. And part of sex is like
having the intimacy, having that closeness with someone. So maybe
you can talk to him about like, Hey, I really
want to like improve our intimacy, improve our closeness, and
(27:11):
like let's take some time to not even think about
like the penetrative part of sex, because if he's not
up for it, he's not up for it. But like,
can he spend some time pleasuring you? Can you guys
play with some toys like so weird?
Speaker 2 (27:24):
It's so weird. Oh, by the way, Oh, I wanted
to say one more thing too. Sorry, I know I'm
being so interrupted today, but I'm just in that kind
of mood. The other thing is a lot of women.
You said none of your friends experienced this. I do
know many women who have experienced their partners not being
up for the amount of sex that they are. Yes,
So I just wanted to throw that out there before
I agree.
Speaker 3 (27:43):
That's like a really that's a really common thing.
Speaker 2 (27:44):
That's also a gay thing too, isn't it Like a
lot of gay guys not a lot. I actually only
know one gay guy who won't, who doesn't penetrate, Like,
he doesn't penetrate, he doesn't want to be penetrated.
Speaker 3 (27:55):
You only get name from that. What, Yeah, what it's called.
It's called sighting.
Speaker 1 (28:00):
Sighting.
Speaker 3 (28:02):
Yeah, they like give each other like blowjobs, but they don't.
There's no like penetrative sex.
Speaker 2 (28:06):
When my friend told me about this, I thought, that's
he feels such shame for the act of penetration. He
feels shame at doing that. That's why he can't.
Speaker 3 (28:15):
I mean, that's the whole thing. Yeah.
Speaker 1 (28:16):
I recently stumbled across a follow from We had this
caller Marco like a long time ago, who was in
the same situation. He's like, I'm gay, but like I
do not I'm not interested in anal. And he followed
up actually recently and said that he, well, no, he's
still not into anal, but he's like, I've discovered that
I love having my ass eat now and eating out
of Elsa's asses. So I'm like, this is for him, that's.
Speaker 2 (28:38):
What a huge discovery. What if he had gone through
how much how much more life could he have gone
through without figuring that out?
Speaker 1 (28:45):
Thank goodness for the show. Just save lives, Saved lives.
Speaker 2 (28:49):
That's It's something people always go, what's the best piece
of advice you've ever given to start eating more ass?
That's my advice. I'm gonna write that down.
Speaker 3 (28:57):
That's the tattoo.
Speaker 2 (28:58):
Mm hmm, yeah, for sure, my ass is my tattoo.
And then I'm gonna put it on a different part
of my body. So people are doubly confused.
Speaker 1 (29:05):
So it's a wrap up for Priscilla. I think there's
some intentionality that you guys can like take some time
if he's not into like performing quote unquote because he's
too stressed, try some other stuff and like hin hint,
he might get in the mood. But like it's really
also like about you and your pleasure. It doesn't necessarily
have to like have anything to do with him getting off.
Speaker 2 (29:24):
Right, Try harder to make the situation, try to find
a solution, and if you can't find the solution, and
then you know that you've done everything you can to
try to figure out the problem, and then move on.
Speaker 3 (29:35):
Look, I know I'm like a mega optimist, but like,
clearly she fucking loves this guy. The fact that she
reached out to you, they've been together for ten years,
their kids, they are like so many added layers there.
I'm a fighter in relationships. I would go back the
stuff that you revisited that you heard that you think.
Speaker 2 (29:50):
You're not that much of a fighter. You're single.
Speaker 3 (29:53):
That's not nice, Chelsea.
Speaker 2 (29:55):
It's not That's not I'm saying you're not that much
of a fighter. Come on, if you were willing to
fight for anything. I'm not being mean.
Speaker 3 (30:03):
I thought I'm partially messing with you. I one thing
about me. I fucking fight for relationships as much as
I can till the very end, whether it's therapy, whatever
it is. I'm just saying, sometimes things happen that are
just like outside of your control and you just have
to deal with it and pick yourself up.
Speaker 2 (30:20):
I think I was thinking of fighting, like I'll do
anything to do what it takes to like be in
the relationship. I was interpreting it a different.
Speaker 3 (30:27):
I am that person. I'm a fucking romantics through and
through hard on my sleep, I'm like, I'm such a lover.
Falling in love is like, what is it that?
Speaker 2 (30:36):
But yeah, but falling in love that's the best part.
That's the best part. No one will dispute that. Everyone
knows those that's the best phase of life. Being in
this phase that this caller's in is not the.
Speaker 3 (30:48):
You fight for it and you go back and stuff
that she may have addressed earlier conversations that they had.
You know what, maybe they need to be revisited. Maybe
you need to get esther. Perell has that card game
where you ask each other intimate questions. Is it like
wearing like some crazy fucking outfit or like the crab
walking naked towards him when he enters the room and
going full sexual or building the intimacy with like some
(31:09):
kind of romance and getting to know each other intimately, Like.
Speaker 2 (31:12):
Maybe they should use the intimacy coordinator from it ends
with us. What about that woman that they should use her? Yeah,
that worked out great, or like I don't.
Speaker 3 (31:24):
Know, go to a rave together or something, you know
what I mean.
Speaker 2 (31:27):
Like, they definitely have to change up to done. Something
has to shift. If you want people to change, you
have to change period. But like so get the ball
rolling in some direction and be tireless about it, like
exhaust all the possibilities, period.
Speaker 1 (31:42):
And if all else fails, just get like a really
good vibrator and like leave him out of it. End
of list.
Speaker 2 (31:47):
Yeah that's quick, that's great.
Speaker 1 (31:49):
Yeah. So our next email comes from Laura. She is
calling in s would be chatting with her. Laura says,
Dear Chelsea, I have a sticky situation with I knewish
boyfriend and I'm hoping to get your perspective on it.
My boyfriend lives with a girl who he has been
friends with for a few years and they've slept together
twice in the past. They're in the same friend group,
(32:10):
and he claims it happened when they were both drunk
and lonely. To be fair, we were friends at the time.
We met at work and were friends first before dating,
and he told me what was going on and I
was dating other people at the time. He told me
he's been into me since we first met and patiently
waited for me to break up with my then boyfriend.
It really hurts me and makes me sad picturing her
with him, even though it was before I was in
(32:31):
the picture and he's been upfront about the information. I
hate how much this weighs on me, and I always
feel sad knowing he's at home with her when we're
not spending the night together. I hate that I'm jealous
and losing my zen when I'm ordinarily a confident person.
I'm mad at him for inflicting the situation on our relationship. Yesterday,
he had the audacity to ask me if I wanted
to go out dancing this weekend with her and some
(32:52):
of her friends. I said, absolutely not. Why would I
want to go out dancing and drinking with some girl
you fucked? Before I flipped it back on him, would
you want to go dance and sing with me and
some guy I used to fuck? He didn't have a
good answer to that. For context, I'm twenty seven and
he's thirty two. He should know better at his grown
age of thirty two. I feel like he downplayed their
friendship to try and appease me. This makes me question
(33:13):
if I can trust him. Any advice you have on
boundaries and how to get my piece back are greatly appreciated.
Laura Hell, Laura O.
Speaker 2 (33:21):
Hi, thanks for calling in. This is our special guest,
Anthony Barovsky.
Speaker 1 (33:25):
Yes, I'm starstruck. I love queer eye. That's awesome.
Speaker 3 (33:29):
Nice to meet too. Wait, how long have you been together?
Speaker 5 (33:32):
So we've been dating since November last year, So what
is up?
Speaker 1 (33:36):
It's like four months?
Speaker 3 (33:37):
Four months?
Speaker 4 (33:38):
Yeah, this is new, it is Yeah, Well that's easy.
Speaker 2 (33:44):
That makes things a little bit easier.
Speaker 3 (33:46):
You know.
Speaker 2 (33:46):
I don't think anyone should be judged on having an
ex like a past or anything. But you're in a
perfect spot. I think to kind of like conduct yourself
in a really cool way. You can go to him,
be really honest about your feelings. It does and have
to be an argument or disputatious in any way and
be like, hey, you know you told me about this.
You know your roommate, he lives with her, right, Yeah,
(34:10):
you told me about your roommate. You told me you
had sex with her a couple of times. It's kind
of bothering me. I mean, I don't want to be
crazy and tew you like to move out or anything,
But then you asked me to go dancing with her.
That kind of gave me the ick. You're kind of
giving me signals that there might be something more here
and that I don't know if we continue to date,
am I going to have to deal with this woman
(34:30):
in the background. Like, I think this is a perfect
opportunity to have really one of those honest, upfront conversations
before your head over heels. Marrying this guy or deeply
madly in love. Four months is still new enough to
get over quickly, and I think he'll show his true colors,
Like you don't want to go dancing with some roommate
that he's fucked that he's still living with. That's not
(34:51):
an ideal situation for someone. So if someone if he
really cares about you, have you guys exchanged?
Speaker 4 (34:57):
I love us yet, Yeah, we're pretty in love and Chelsea,
we kind of have had that conversation already.
Speaker 2 (35:04):
And oh sorry, I'm just fucking railing off. Yeah no,
I Anthony, why don't you tell me to shut the fuck.
Speaker 3 (35:11):
I'm not telling you to shut up.
Speaker 2 (35:12):
A sorry sorry, sorry, Laura, go on.
Speaker 4 (35:16):
Yeah, So after this little like disagreement, we had that conversation.
I was like, this is really hard for me, Like
I don't like who it's making me, Like I really
want to be chilled, Like I have a past two
where I respect that I do, but this is so
hard to deal with. So I was like, we need
to set some boundaries or something so I feel better.
And like what we came up with is he can't
hang out with her one on one, which he lives
(35:39):
with her, Like he's hanging out with her when they're
at home, Like I don't expect him to just start
being rude to her, And well, I mean I actually
would like that, but I'm not gonna ask that.
Speaker 2 (35:48):
Yeah, it starts coming home and he's a total fucking asshole.
That's fine, Yeah, and.
Speaker 4 (35:52):
He's allowed to hang out with her in groups, but
like I want to know about it, and that's kind
of where we're at. But I'm still just like struggling
with it at night when we're not together, and I know,
like I'm losing my chill.
Speaker 1 (36:02):
I'm I hate it.
Speaker 2 (36:03):
I hear you, I hear you. Was he sympathetic to
the idea of you being upset.
Speaker 4 (36:08):
With yes, and he's like looking to buy. So that's
why he likes living with her because it's a month
to monthly so we can move out really easily when
he does find the place he wants to buy, and
he's like actively working on it for sure.
Speaker 1 (36:20):
Okay, so that's nice.
Speaker 2 (36:22):
Okay, that's good. Okay, these are all good things. I
as Okay, this is going to be my advice. I
think this is perfect time for you to put your
foot down and go. You know what, I've been thinking
about this a lot lately, and I don't think I'm
going to be comfortable until you've moved out of that apartment.
Now that I have serious feelings about you, I don't
want to cut you off, like I want us to
(36:43):
continue talking, but like I really need to know that
you're going to move out and not just giving me
lip service, because it's starting to fuck with me a
little bit. And I'm looking at our relationship as like
a possible fun future, like we're going to be together
for some time, and I don't want to have this
be part of it.
Speaker 3 (37:01):
I like that there's kind of like a compliment sandwich
going on here where it's sort of like, Hey, I
fucking love you. I think that there's potential here that said,
like there's a massive roadblock. I'm really struggling and I
need your help everything that I'm kind of gathering from you.
And what Catherine kind of mentioned about like the backstory
of it all is that you've been very communicative of it.
(37:21):
And one thing that I've learned in relationships and through
therapy is that sometimes I think that they're like I
get obsessed with the idea of resolution, that there has
to be like this tangible thing that kind of happens,
and I know that it's not perfect, and I recognize
that it's like painful, and you're like in a lot
of like, odjit up you just termed that my therapist
Carol taught me. I love it. The fact that you're
(37:42):
you're able to have like that, that those open lines
of communication, even just addressing it without giving an ultimatum
or backing him into a corner or whatever it is,
makes it a safe space for him to be able
to have a conversation, to take in what your feelings
and like the stuff that you're dealing with and vice versa.
But I feel like, yeah, presenting it as sort of
(38:02):
starting with like the good and then going to like,
I'm really struggling with this and like I could use
your health not telling him specifically like get your ass
out of the house or kick her out, or imposing
like some kind of like severe like restrictions or like
or hard rules that are just gonna be hard to
abide by. It does that make sense? Yeah?
Speaker 2 (38:17):
It does.
Speaker 4 (38:18):
I have been very focused on like trying to resolve this,
and yeah, there's no resolution untilling moves out, so it's hard.
Speaker 1 (38:24):
We added a little context on you and I chatted earlier.
Tell us the timeline. So this was like a while
ago that they slept together.
Speaker 2 (38:30):
Right.
Speaker 4 (38:31):
Oh, when we had our fight, he was like getting
confused about the dates. I can be pretty intense, and
I think he got a little like flustered, like I
was questioning him a little too hard. So here's the
real timeline. We started dating last November. He moved in
with her last August, and they slept together last September.
Speaker 1 (38:48):
So I'm like, that's fresh. Okay, so like two months
before you guys got together.
Speaker 2 (38:53):
Did he how did he reveal this to you?
Speaker 4 (38:55):
So I was friends with him because we're coworkers before
and he told me about it, just kind of casually
because we were becoming good friends. He was like, yeah,
I slept with my roommate. What do you think about that?
And I was like, that's a bit messy, but okay,
So I always knew that when I started developing feelings
for him.
Speaker 1 (39:12):
Tellsey, I'm actually kind of surprised about your advice here.
What I don't know. I just I thought that your
advice would be more along the lines of, like, that's okay,
he's moving out putting Laura at Eddie's, and I'm yeah,
I just think that's very interesting.
Speaker 3 (39:28):
Oh.
Speaker 2 (39:28):
I love surprising. I love when you make joys in
life at joys in life. But like, yeah, yeah, I
I yeah, I don't know. I think there's something like
it's just an interesting start to a relationship, so you'd
want to pay attention to it.
Speaker 1 (39:42):
And you're corrected as messy.
Speaker 2 (39:43):
Yeah yeah, And it doesn't have to be messy, or
you could be clean about it, you know what I mean.
That's what I'm saying, Like you say this and you
kind of you're not breaking up with him, You're just
kind of saying like, I'm not cool. These are my standards.
They have to be met. So if you really care,
go fucking me them.
Speaker 1 (40:00):
Yeah, would you like participate in like a cooling off
period while he's looking for a house.
Speaker 2 (40:06):
He's going to want that. Yeah, Like if he's looking
for a house actively, he's going to want to be like, okayah,
you know, come with me, look at the house. Da
da da da. And then then I would be like, Okay,
you know it's clearly happening, but not until like he's
actually taking active steps that you've seen in some of
the houses, and he's doing anything he can to make
sure that you feel.
Speaker 3 (40:24):
Safe and Laura, I feel like you'll know if he's
doing those like he's gonna be He's going to want
to tell you like, oh yeah, Like I had an
appointment at a place like this place is interesting and
I didn't like it because it didn't have X, Y
and Z, But you know what I mean, Like, I
feel like he's going to include you in the narrative
because it seems like you guys communicate pretty well.
Speaker 4 (40:38):
Yeah, and I like last weekend we looked at a
house together, Like we communicate great, Like I love everything
about him except for this for.
Speaker 1 (40:45):
Those nights that you are apart and like he is
with you know, quote unquote with her at their apartment.
I'd say, like, remember that he's into you. Harness your
inner zen, and like remember that, like you're the person
that he cares about. He stops sleeping with her before
you guys started hooking up or getting together, before you
guys got together, and like you're the one he's into,
and like, rest easy in that, I think.
Speaker 2 (41:07):
But also play the role that you just said you
have played in your life, which is you're not like that. Like,
so remind yourself of the queen that you are in
the moments that you don't feel like it. Remember, yeah,
I am, I am that way. This is a circumstantial.
This is making me feel this way. These are not
logical thoughts period.
Speaker 1 (41:27):
Yeah, and like there will be a new season very
soon when he's got his own place, right.
Speaker 2 (41:32):
Yeah, yeah, totally.
Speaker 1 (41:33):
Yeah, Well matter then? Yeah, all right, Laura bust of
luck and keep us posted.
Speaker 4 (41:38):
Okay, Okay, thank you everyone, It's so nice to meet you.
Speaker 3 (41:41):
Nice to meet you.
Speaker 2 (41:42):
Okay, awesome, Bye. That was my favorite kind of call. Yeah, ever,
I know, I love that kind of personal into like
interpersonal relationships, boundaries. I'm down with all of it.
Speaker 3 (41:56):
There's so much to unpack with it, though, I feel
like I'm going to be thinking about it hours from
now being like, oh shit, I should have said that,
you know what I mean.
Speaker 1 (42:02):
I also think age, in my opinion, has something to
do with it, because she's like twenty seven. I feel like,
when you're twenty seven, like your person's exes feel so
huge and they loom so large, and to have them
in the second bedroom it's like terrifying. But if she
was ten years older, I'd be like, Okay, this isn't great.
But like, you know, we're moving forward in.
Speaker 3 (42:23):
Twenty seven year old seems so much more involved than
they did when I was twenty seven. Or maybe I'm
just internalizing because I was a mess.
Speaker 1 (42:30):
Should we take a quick break and then come back
for our list?
Speaker 2 (42:32):
Go, let's take a break and we'll come back and
do our last west. Okay, So we're gonna take a
break with Anthony Barofsky and then we're coming back. Okay,
and we're back with Antony Barovski.
Speaker 1 (42:45):
Us P Bbaraski?
Speaker 2 (42:47):
Right, Parovsky? Am I saying Barovsky close? What did I say?
Speaker 3 (42:52):
It's one letter? Oh?
Speaker 2 (42:53):
Parowski? Sorry, I've been saying, b it's a p.
Speaker 1 (42:57):
Well, Hannah says, dear Chelsea, I need advice from someone
wiser than me. The past year and a half has
been filled with change and heartbreak, leaving me feeling lonely
and lost. Growing up, I never had close friends. I
floated from group to group, but never felt truly like
I belonged. As a shy, introverted person, this wasn't surprising.
After college, I moved to Utah to be a ski bum,
(43:19):
and for the first time, I found like minded people
I belonged. I came out of my shell, built a
social life, and formed friendships where I felt supported. I
had community. Over time, we all grew up to some degree.
I became a lawyer, bought a house here, and found
ways to keep skiing into girls in my life. My
friends evolved too, and through the changes I believed we'd
(43:39):
remain close forever. But life had other plans. Friends got married,
moved away, had children, or found new priorities. The tight
knit group I cherished slowly dissolved, and I find myself
floating again. The most recent gut punch came from a
friend I've always considered family. She's planning a small bachelotte
party for her close friends, and I'm not invited. She said,
(44:00):
We're at different life stages. She and her fiance spend
time with other couples while I'm single. That's stung deeply.
Early this year, another friend ended our relationship with a
hurtful tirade. She said she didn't see a place for
me in her life because I don't want kids. It's
not that I haven't made new friends.
Speaker 3 (44:16):
I have.
Speaker 1 (44:16):
I've connected with an amazing group of women who share
my love for skiing and ice climbing. Yet I still
grieve the friendships I thought would last a lifetime, the
ones that felt like family. I feel like I've been
in a painful, unrelenting cycle of relationship loss since my
ex and I broke up in the spring of twenty
twenty three. So how do you mourn the pain of
losing friendships and how do you build meaningful friendships as
an adult, especially in the second half of your thirties. Hannah, Hi, Hi.
Speaker 2 (44:42):
Hi, This is Anthony Parowski with a piece.
Speaker 4 (44:46):
Hi.
Speaker 5 (44:46):
Nice to meet you.
Speaker 3 (44:47):
Nice to meet you. Wait, Can I ask how long
were you and your ex together when you broke up
in twenty twenty three?
Speaker 5 (44:53):
Three years.
Speaker 3 (44:54):
Three years, Okay. My therapist says it can take like
half the amount of time of the relationship to get
to a place where you kind of like feel like
you're a normal ish human being again. So I don't
know if like you're dealing with that or if that's
something that's helpful to be gentle with yourself with healing,
because it's not linear. It's super freaking messy, and you
can be feeling amazing one day and then kind of
(45:16):
go down the next.
Speaker 2 (45:17):
But Elsie thoughts, well, I was going to say, I
write about this in my new book, I'll Have What
She's Having, which just came out. I write about this
very thing about losing friendships that we've had for a
really long time, and the understanding that comes from a
lot of inner work and a lot of therapy that
not everybody is your friend forever, and some people are
(45:39):
supporting characters in your story, and sometimes we're a supporting
character in another story. The endings of friendships, while painful
and hurtful, are not meant for your grief. They're meant
to understand that that door has closed and now there's
an opening for a deeper, more profound friendship than the
ones you had before. My circle of friends now that
(46:00):
I'm about to be well, I'm fifty. When this comes out,
I'll have turned fifty. My circle of friends and the
support group I have now is more loyal, loving, supportive
than anything. It makes me understand that I'm a good person.
The people I have around me now makes me believe
I deserved this and I earned this. Whereas when I
was younger, in my forties or in my thirties, I
(46:23):
had a lot of people around me who did not
have my best interests, who did not have my support.
While I treasured our friendships with tho these people, they
were not good for me, and they outlasted their expiration
date the same way many relationships can. So our job
isn't too more and the loss of friendships. It's to
understand that that part of our life is gone and
(46:44):
to welcome the new. And there will be new friendships,
and you know now how meaningful friendships can be. So
you're going to be already operating in a different way
within a new friendship.
Speaker 5 (46:56):
So do you feel like the friendships that you've made
like that are in your close circle of friends?
Speaker 2 (47:01):
Now?
Speaker 5 (47:02):
Are they people you've met in the last like ten years.
Are there any people who.
Speaker 2 (47:06):
Yeah, tons, tons of them I've just met in the
last ten years. I have maybe three four, well, probably
more people that have been in my life for ten
plus years that are not family, you know, people that
I've known. I mean it's longer than that. The older
I get, the longer that list is. But you know,
plenty of them are new people. Like I'm always making
(47:28):
new friends, I'm always meeting new people, and I'm always
learning things and understanding like, oh, friendships can be even
richer than I had thought when I was younger.
Speaker 3 (47:38):
I one hundred percent agree with that. I think sort
of like leaning into the impermanents of things, whether it's
like a relationship or friendships. It doesn't make sense at
the time, but I feel like when I look back
at really close friends that I've lost that I thought
were going to be in my life forever, I'm sort
of like whether there was resentment, or I did the
(47:59):
cutoff or they did, or we just organically kind of
like grew apart a lot of them. Also, I can
definitely relate to, like the habit in kids part. It
all kind of like makes sense when you look back,
which is kind of like the weird thing and the
annoying thing about life is that like, once enough time
has passed and you've been able to like process the
feelings and deal with all of the different stages of brief,
(48:19):
the denial, anger, brief and depression, acceptance, like all of
that messy stuff, you look back and you're sort of like, oh,
like that kind of made sense. And I will point
to I had this argument with a friend about she
was saying, how like, oh, it's so much harder to
make friends when you're like in your thirties and your
forties than when you're younger. It's not that it's harder.
I think that it can become more challenging if you're
(48:40):
working on yourself, because your antennas are up for what
you're going to tolerate and what you're not going to tolerate.
But some of my most close I refer to it
as my board of directors. It's like the people that
I go to when I really need advice, where I
need to be like right size, who I like really
trust they're going to tell me the truth. I wouldn't
be scared of like not meeting those people at where
you're at in life. Right now because like my one
(49:01):
of my closest friends, Leah, we were like actual acquaintances
and in the past year and a half we have
become inseparable. Part of it was trauma bonding, but like
we've gotten really close. So I think just like be
open to the possibility of like that. It's never it's
just dynamic and there's impermanence and things end and it's
like there's it's way, it's that whole like that dumb
(49:21):
line about well, it's not that dumb, because I think
it makes sense. It's like people are in your life
for like a reason, a season or a lifetime or
whatever it is. I do really believe.
Speaker 2 (49:28):
That does any of this help you?
Speaker 5 (49:31):
Yeah, and all of this is helpful. Hearing it back
is helpful.
Speaker 2 (49:35):
Yeah. Don't spend time thinking about the past and relationships
that are not no longer there. There's no there's it's
just kind of a wasted regret and it's an old habit.
Just focus on the now and the possibilities of the
future and being grateful for everyone in your life that
you do like and all the new people. Just show
a lot of gratitude and it'll keep showing up for you.
Speaker 5 (49:56):
The newer friends that made are great and it's been
really fun to have them. So I felt a little
awkward being upset about this, but it's like a big
change for me to go through.
Speaker 3 (50:07):
And I think that's a bit You seem like a vulnerable,
sensitive human being, which are really beautiful things, and maybe
the way you're feeling that way is because you care,
because you give a shit about them, and like, yeah,
it sucks when people leave our lives and it's like
they were there for a really important, important chapter and
we learn so much of them. But I think being
like knowing the difference between what I can change in
my life and I'm not good at this, so I
(50:29):
have to remind myself all the time the things that
I can't control versus the things that I can. I
constantly have to be checking myself and being like, why
am I focusing all my energy on this thing that
I have no control over? That's like in the past,
as opposed to like I can focus to Chelsea's point
about gratitude or or like spend time on the wonderful
people who are in your life, you know what I mean.
(50:49):
Like I've had that situation with family cutoffs where people
completely cut each other off. We've been each other our
entire lives because we just don't know how to talk
to each other. And at one point it's sort of like,
you're not going to give me the fucking time of
to day. I'm sorry, I'm going to focus on someone
who is I can put my all, my attention to
my love towards them, because you clearly have so much
to give. All right, I know that sounded really queer,
(51:09):
I but I mean that. I don't know. You just
seem like a really sweet girl.
Speaker 5 (51:13):
The friend who didn't invite me to the bachelorette party,
she texted me last week and asked if I would
still do the flowers for her wedding.
Speaker 3 (51:21):
So do I do it?
Speaker 2 (51:26):
I'll apply that part again.
Speaker 5 (51:28):
Friend who told me I'm not a close friend and
not invited to her bachelorette texted me to ask if
I would still do the flowers for her wedding.
Speaker 3 (51:36):
And they're like a beautiful venus fly trap, Like, as.
Speaker 1 (51:39):
You're going to hire you to do her flowers because
that's a very expensive proposition.
Speaker 5 (51:44):
No, it was something I had offered to do way back.
Speaker 2 (51:48):
Just say, when I got disinvited from you know whatever
the bachelorette weekend. I just assumed that you didn't want
me to make the flowers, so I haven't planned on
doing that, right, Why would you do that for her?
Speaker 1 (52:00):
Are you going to the wedding as well?
Speaker 5 (52:01):
I'm invited?
Speaker 2 (52:03):
Yeah? Are you? Do you want to go?
Speaker 5 (52:06):
I feel like it might be more awkward if I don't.
I don't know.
Speaker 3 (52:11):
Trust your gut though, Sit in senative for a moment, like,
wait until the RSVP is due, and like think about it,
cause it's like you've got to take care of yourself too,
and if, like, if she made you feel that way,
I don't like that.
Speaker 2 (52:23):
No, that's nasty.
Speaker 3 (52:25):
It sounds like the friendship is on her terms. I
don't want you in this, but like I want you
to do that, Like I don't like that. I don't
like to exist in space like that.
Speaker 2 (52:32):
Yeah, And I don't like that you being taken advantage
of in that way, Like, say you were to show
up with those flowers. What does that say about you
that you don't someone who's close any dignity.
Speaker 1 (52:41):
Yeah, someone who's close enough to do flowers for your
wedding at no cost is someone who should be invited
to be close friends quote unquote bachelorette party.
Speaker 2 (52:49):
Yeah yeah, maybe write that and just say so, I
am assuming you don't expect that since I'm not invited
to the thing, I'm assuming you don't want me to.
Speaker 1 (52:57):
Right what you said before about like so I wasn't
planning on I love that language. I think that's great language.
Speaker 3 (53:03):
Also, playing the tape forward, I can imagine you would
enjoy the process with all of the weight around this
of planning flowers for her. That feels like a personal
intimate thing.
Speaker 2 (53:11):
It's almost like you have no backbone if you do that.
And it's not about ego. It's just about like you're
treating me like shit and I'm taking it like in
the mouth. No, thank you. And also that's like, please
have some sort of positive affirmation that you do in
the morning, like reminding yourself that you're a powerful woman
and you don't have and you have the ability to
(53:31):
not allow people to push you around, and that you're
valuable and your friendship is valuable. Keep saying that to yourself.
Speaker 5 (53:39):
Thank you, I appreciate it, Thanks Hannah, thank you.
Speaker 2 (53:43):
Yeah, okay, and start believing it too, please, thank you.
Class is dismissed. Thank you guys. First of all, Anthony,
what a fun fun You're my favorite queer eye so
far out of the two far definitely better. Yeah, you're definitely.
I'm your my favorite over Bobby Burke. And I'll tell
them too his face when I see him. Are you
in New York?
Speaker 3 (54:04):
New York is home, but I'm currently in LA this week?
Speaker 1 (54:07):
Oh okay, and Anthony, where can people find no taste
like home?
Speaker 3 (54:12):
So glad you asked. It's gonna be unlinear on Natio
on February twenty third, and then Disney Plus and Hulu
on the twenty four. Oh Disney please, Daddy, Daddy Disney.
Speaker 1 (54:22):
Daddy Disney owns everything. Now, all right, thank you so much, Anthony.
Speaker 3 (54:28):
Chelsea enjoy all the skiing and fucking hot coco and
the powder. I was just an Aspen for Gay Ski Week,
which is so unlike me. But I'm like trying to
make more game friends. Yeah, since I was four years old.
Oh fun, I'm sick for it. It's there's nothing, there's
nothing more freeing than skiing.
Speaker 2 (54:46):
Oh yeah, I love skiing.
Speaker 3 (54:49):
Yeah, it's amazing.
Speaker 2 (54:50):
You appreciate that. Do do do do do do drum roll, Catherine,
please Chelsea. Handler Abroad. Abroad is my European tour, which
I just announced. Tickets go on sale tomorrow or today
or there's a pre sale code Chelsea. So I'm coming
to obviously find a husband abroad. I need to get
(55:14):
the health out of this fucking country and it's not
as easy as you think. So I'm coming to Rekuvik.
I'm coming to Dublin. I'm coming to the UK. I'm
coming to Brussels, Paris, Belfast in May and June. I'm
coming to Oslo, Stockholm, to Copenhagen, Manchester, London, Glasgow, New Zurich, Vienna.
(55:37):
I've never ever been to Vienna, Berlin, Barcelona and Lisbon.
I'm coming abroad is abroad.
Speaker 1 (55:45):
That sounds like fun. I'm going to go see you abroad.
Speaker 4 (55:47):
I r O.
Speaker 2 (55:48):
I want to go see me abroad and there all
be there, All be okay. All Upcoming Vegas dates March
twenty first, April eighteenth, July fifth, August thirtieth, November one
and twenty nine at the Cosmopolitan of Las Vegas. My
book tour. I'll have what she's having means I am
doing book events. February twenty sixth Brookline Booksmith February twenty seven, Cincinnati, Ohio,
(56:13):
February twenty eighth at the h Foundation in Chicago, and
Barnes and Noble at The Grove in Los Angeles on
March first, and then Seattle, Washington on March third, Elliott
Bay and I'll see you guys all there.
Speaker 1 (56:26):
If you'd like advice from Chelsea, shoot us an email
at Dear Chelsea podcast at gmail dot com and be
sure to include your phone number. Dear Chelsea is edited
and engineered by Brad Dickert executive producer Catherine Law and
be sure to check out our March at Chelseahandler dot
com
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