October 21, 2021 • 55 mins
Chelsea is joined by longtime friend Gwyneth Paltrow to discuss her new Netflix show Sex, Love & Goop. They cover what changes when you fall in love, finding the confidence to ask for what you want in bed, and what evolves when a partner becomes a spouse. A girlfriend wrestles with her boyfriend’s lack of performance in the bedroom. An unintentionally-celibate woman has trouble exploring her pleasure zones. And a bride-to-be wonders if her fiancés video game addiction is a deal-breaker.
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Executive Producer Nick Stumpf
Produced by Catherine Law
Edited & Engineered by Brandon Dickert
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Oh hello everybody. Oh it's Thursday or Friday, Saturday, Sunday.
It doesn't matter what day it is that you're listening
to this podcast, but it comes out every Thursday. And
this is Dear Chelsea and I'm Chelsea hand Chop and
this is my co host, Catherine law Hi. So much
to report. Yes, oh god, I had the best fucking
(00:22):
weekend ever. You've been on tour, like math, Oh my god,
it's been the best. I went to Albany, which was awesome.
I went to Boston. I love Boston. Oh my god.
The theater was built in eighteen fifty four that I
performed in in Boston, and it felt like it. I
was sweating through my jumpsuit. I had to throw away
my underwear after the show I threw I walked off
(00:43):
stage at the Orpheum Theater in Boston. First of all,
one of the best crowds ever. I've had so many
great crowds on this tour. And I just love performing
in Boston because I'm an East Coaster and I'm from
the Vineyard, and I just, you know, all of those
places feel like home to me. And I walked off
stage and into what seemed like a prison shower at
the Orpheum Theater just and I threw my underwear and
(01:06):
my bra and the garbage. I just was like, these
two have seen their this is it and uh. And
then I did two shows of the Beacon, which were
epic because the first show I had Sarah Cooper, who
you know that great girls who did all those trumpet
and then I had Amy Schumer and Sarah Silverman come
in to do surprise sets, which was the crowd went nuts.
(01:31):
And my crowds, I have to say everyone at my
shows Saturday and Sunday at the Beacon, all the comics
that performed were like, Chelsea, you have the best crowds.
Amy said it, Sarah said it. I had Matteo Lane,
who's this incredible comic. If you don't know him, please
try and find him on Instagram Mateo Lane. He's so funny.
Hopefully I'll have him when I announced more dates, I
(01:52):
had rosebud Baker and then Sarah Cooper again Sunday night.
My crowds are the best crowds and they were in
the best mood and I'm my family was there. I
had so many friends there and we just crushed it.
It was just one of those great weekends. So we
justin ounced more tour dates in Canada and the Pacific Northwest.
We're coming to Seattle, We're coming to Eugene and Portland
(02:12):
and Winnipeg and Vancouver and Toronto and all of those places.
So please look at Chelsea Handler dot com for your tickets.
And I'm gonna bring Joe Koy to my Florida dates,
so we will have some Joe Koy Chelsea Handler duo
action in Jacksonville Jacksonville, Florida, and we're going to Orlando, Miami,
(02:34):
and St. Petersburg, So please look at my website by
your tickets. This tour has been awesome. I'm crushing it
and I usually don't say that about myself, but I'm
gonna because I fucking ad and it's a message that
everyone needs to hear right now. And my thirty day
alcohol clans is, Oh, I'm a couple of days really,
(02:56):
because I started a few days after you. You were
like four days in or something. How have you felt
on it? Okay, I'm not. It was easy for the
first couple of weeks, and then once I got to
New York City and I was I was staying in
New York, like between my weekends where I go on
the road and Joe goes on the road, so we
meet up. The last two weeks we've met up in
New York. Going to New York and going out to
restaurants was the most challenging for me because that's where
(03:18):
I wanted Margarita right. I wanted Margarita no salt and
I and that was very difficult. But Joe is so
great because he doesn't care about drinking, so it didn't matter,
so it was easy to be with him. So we
started ordering non alcoholic beers and now I'm addicted to
non alcoholic beer. Class Tower is my favorite. But I
(03:39):
went into one place and they had the Heideken zero
and they handed to us, handed it to us, and
I was like jones ing by the time, I like
the third day of non alcoholic beer. Once I was
introduced to it, I was like, oh wait. I was like,
I need out alcoholic beer right now. Joe, let's go.
And He's like, oh my god, you're such a non
alcoholic alcoholic. And they served us a Heineken zero and
(04:02):
it was warm, and I just I said, we have
to go right now, and I just left a hundred
bucks on the table and we departed. I was like,
I'm already struggling. So it was the last week that
was the hardest. I broke it. Last night after my
show at the Beacon, I went out with Matteo, Lane,
and Alana Glazier from Broad City. She was at my show,
love her and Matteo and his friend Dorian, and we
(04:25):
had an apperall sprits at dinner. I had to lovely, Lovely.
I've been feeling the same way like after week two.
It was harder, and I kept sort of waiting for
what everybody talks about, like and I just felt so
inspired and wonderful and no hangovers and all this stuff.
I kept waiting for that, but I just found myself
being very bored in the evenings and very boring. I
(04:47):
found myself to be boring, Like people come on the
road in the openers. I have different girls coming to
different cities, and I think they think, like it's going
to be this party afterwards, We're gonna go to drink,
And I was like, I go to my room and
FaceTime with my boyfriend, and now that's my life and
I have I have no social skills without alcohol, Like
I mean, I do, but you have to. It's a hurdle.
(05:09):
Like going out without drinking is like do I really
want to do that to myself. I'd rather just go
home and be by myself, so there's no pressure to socialize,
you know. And Plus when I'm starting my tours, I liked,
well this store. I wanted to be really focused, and
I kept running into people that had done a thirty
day cleanse, like my hair stylist Ben Scriven in New York.
(05:29):
He was like, oh, I I took January sober January,
and then it led to ten more months and I
was like, oh, is that going to happen to me?
Am I going to be a sneaky sober person? And
then I was like no, no, you can't do that, Chelsea,
Like that is not your personality. So I think it
has to be accumulative. Like I think people get to
a month and then they do another month and then
you start to feel so incredible, but like month three,
(05:52):
I don't have that kind of time. Another thing that
happened was that I was eating whatever the funk I
wanted to do or wanted to and that was counter
active to my no alcohol right. The one thing I
did notice is that my skin and my face was tight,
like is tight. It got tight and everyone was going,
oh my god, your skin is so incredible. That could
(06:14):
also be because I'm in love. It could also be
because I'm getting penetrated on a regular basis. But there
is a definite component about you know, alcohol does aide you.
That's not deniable. I mean, but yeah, I I'm glad
to be done with it. I'm gonna have a drink tonight.
We're gonna go out to dinner with Joe and his
son and his ex wife and her friend, and I'm
(06:35):
planning on having a stiff drink. It's a night for
a drink. Yeah, And I think I'll just I think
I'll probably taper off my drinking a little bit. I mean,
it was already a lot less than I had been.
But I do like being clear and on stage. I
don't like having alcohol in my system or around when
I'm when I'm performing. Yeah, I would imagine it sort
(06:56):
of slows you down and makes you a little more
sluggish on stage. Sluggish. And I'll so, Yeah, Like I
like sharpness. I want to be quick and I want
to be sharp and I want to know what the
hell I'm doing so that I'm in complete control of
the situation. Right. So, I luckily, at the age tender
age of forty six, I've realized how to do stand up.
What are you planning on having as your first drink?
(07:16):
I think it's gonna be champagne. But one of the
other things that happened at some point during this experiment,
like there was a night where I woke up in
the morning and felt like I had a hangover. Like
if I had had a drink the night before, I
would have been like, wow, I got a hangover from
one drink. That happened to me too, did it. Yeah,
every morning that I was on the road, I woke
up and felt hung over, And I'm like, this is
(07:38):
very unfair, because god forbid I was drinking. How the
funk would I have felt? I wouldn't have been. And
the schedules when you're when you're on the road, like
you take four hour car drives. It's a fucking racket.
And you know, it takes a lot of energy to
be on stage for an hour and a half or
however long I do, usually like an hour, ten twenty minutes,
but it takes a lot. Then with alcohol just compounds
the situation. So I was like, Oh, if I feel
(08:01):
hungover without alcohol, what is alcohol going to add to
the mix. So that's very frustrating, but I felt that
way too. Yeah, but I think it's going to be champagne.
Champagne is the thing, Okay, Yeah, well I can't enjoy that.
I also don't want to minimize that people do have
real struggles with alcohol. Clearly we're joking about it, but
I know a lot of our listeners have a lot
of issues with substances, and so please don't you know,
(08:25):
I don't want you to feel disrespected or not heard.
I think having it be this easy to take a
break is a reason to take a break from alcohol.
If it is difficult to take a break, then you
probably have something to talk about, you know, And you
should take a break if it feels like you can't.
But I know that people sometimes have to take a
(08:45):
break and sometimes they have to stop. So you and
I are clearly just taking a break. And yeah, and
that was, honestly one of the things that motivated me
to not quit in the middle is because I thought
to myself, well, if I can't do the default days,
then that means something to me, and maybe there is
an issue with that because I enjoyed drinking, but it
(09:06):
was kind of a nice refresher to see how I
function without it and kind of take the temperature on that. Yeah,
see how I functioned without it? Yeah, exactly because I
said to Joe, I got I have no social skills.
He goes, Honey, you can't say that if you don't drink,
you have no social skills. I'm like, no, I haven't
had social skills since the pandemic, and not drinking is
really making me realize it. But we all are lacking
(09:29):
in social skills right now. You know, we're all just
gonna be a little weird. There's a lot of gaps
and conversations where there were none before. Let's just put
it that way. Yes, absolutely, And by the way, you
know what, I've got so many d ms on Instagram
of people who were joining us in the in the
on the clans. They were like, you've inspired me to
take thirty days off. I got a girl that said
she took thirty days off. She's moving on to another
(09:50):
month because she feels so great. So to all of
the people that DM me who are listening to this.
I see your messages and I'm really excited that we're
able to kind of do this stuff together because it's
so helpful to do something like this and no other
people are doing it with you, you know, Yeah, have you?
Has your husband done it too? Um, he's sort of
done it. He drank a lot less, we'll put it
(10:12):
that way. You know. Our love runs deep, So yeah,
you're running and even deeper now because you guys have
been watching Sex, Love and Gool. Which brings us to
our next guests. And she's a very exciting guest. But
we have to take an ad break. Oh, we'll be
right back. Okay. Sounds good. Okay, So I'm going to
(10:33):
go ahead and introduce our guest for today, who is
a dear friend of mine. I love her so much.
She's an actress. She's an entrepreneur and CEO and founder
of Goop, Gwyneth Paltrow. Her show is Sex, Love and Goop.
It premiers Thursday, October one, which means you can catch
it today. It's a new six part series on Netflix,
(10:55):
and I am very excited to introduce my friend Gunnet. Hello.
Oh hello, call her go ahead, caller, caller, are you there?
It's meet Chelsea callor Esther. Are you there? Is that you?
We see you? Baby? I see you? Can you see me?
You look beautiful? Oh honey, not as beautiful as you? Hi? Hi, Hi, Hi?
(11:19):
Where are you? I just got to l A. We're
in a studio in l A. This is my co host, Katherine.
She's my producer on this podcast. She will be joining us.
Nice to meet you, Gwyneth. Let's get right into it. Okay, Yeah,
I would like to start with a you just came
out with a new vibrator that was very exciting for
(11:40):
everybody to find out about, because you've been at the
forefront of celebrities embracing their sex lives and discussing all
the kind of taboo subjects that everybody in our industry
seems to be very shy about. So as I was
reading this quote about you, it sounded a lot about
like a quote about out me. It says Gwyneth has
(12:01):
always pushed uncomfortable topics forward and been an advocate for
normalizing the conversation around female pleasure. And I thought, what
a great thing to be an advocate for female pleasure.
And I know from our own friendship forgive me when
I call her Esther listeners. I called Gwyneth Esther and
she calls me YELSEI because we have a history together
(12:23):
and those are our nicknames from a long time ago.
And I'm not really even sure why, but we've stuck
with it. I know, why, tell me? Why do you remember? Why? Yeah,
but I'll tell I'll tell you, Okay. It sounds like
an ex boyfriend that I'm not just supposed to mention anyway,
both it's a double penetration ex boyfriend. We're not supposed
(12:44):
to mention. But we have had very candid conversations about sex,
you and I have, and and I have to say,
you know, growing up and knowing of Gwyneth, and before
I knew her personally, I had an idea about you
and I had a not a judgment, I want to say,
but I just thought, wow, yeah, I know I didn't
(13:05):
eat you, but I just definitely thought you were very patrician.
That's the right word, right, patrician, which isn't to say
that you aren't. But when I did get to know you,
one of the things the most endearing qualities about you
is how open you are about sex, and how open
you are about everything really and I remember talking about
our sex lives, and we were we had a very
(13:28):
kind of candid conversation with a bunch of people around,
and I just thought, oh, this is this is more freeing.
And you were more free than I was at that point,
which I thought, Oh, how ironic. I'm known as this
person who's outspoken and says everything, and yet you were
so much more easily able to discuss kind of the
the taboos of things like you know, vibrators and different
(13:51):
kinds of sex, and what turns you on and what
turns you off, and and all of the things that
go into the melting pot of being so attracted to
somebody and building on out attraction through trust and through
kind of self exploration and everything that encompasses being a whole,
more full person. Would you say that you were always
that way? I think so, you know, I mean I
(14:12):
tend to be I guess a little more circumspect, but
you know, like in public, but when I'm with my girlfriends,
as you know, like I just I just want to
go there, like I want to know what is in
everybody's way, what are the friction points? Like what is
everybody up against? Can we peel off some layers of stuff,
(14:35):
Like I'm so fascinated by what makes us all tick
and the things that we're honest about and not honest about,
and what our blind spots are. And I think, like
the conversation around sex with your women friends, it's such
a fascinating one because it's like this microcosm of their
lives where like they think they're talking about sex, but
they're talking about everything right there, talking about all insecurities
(14:58):
or you know, patterns that come up, like it's all
right there. And so I just find it like a
really fascinating topic. And when do you think that you
came into your kind of sexual awareness, Like when do
you think what age were you when you really started
to understand yourself and your wants sexually, because obviously it's
a moving target for many of us. Exactly Well, I
(15:20):
think you said it perfectly, and I think it's still
a moving target, and I think forever it's an exploration.
And you know, recently, I've started to think, I don't
know if you feel this way, but I feel like
there's so much programming that happens implicitly from the time
we're young, especially our generation, about what good girls do
and don't do. And so therefore, if you have a
(15:44):
thought that's maybe outside the box, or if you want
to do something that's outside the box, I think you're
conditioned to think there's something wrong with you, or you know,
you're weird or whatever. And I think a couple of things.
I think, first of all, I've had sort of chapters
in my life where I've felt very close to myself
sexually and like accepting myself sexually, and then chapters of
(16:06):
my life where I've felt really far away from myself,
and I don't know. I think the idea that like,
I would just love it if we could all give
ourselves the space to be like, well, let you know,
let me just explore what this what what this thought is,
or what this feels like, as opposed to constantly putting
it in a context of like shame or it was
(16:27):
bad because I didn't get what I want, or like
just like what if we started to open up a
little bit and talk about it's really hard, Like have you,
you know, been with a partner and said, well, you're
a different case because you're very forthright. But I think
to say, like that doesn't feel good, or I would
really love it if you tried this, Like, it's just
really hard for women to say. I want to say that.
(16:49):
It's hard even for me to say. Everyone thinks that
I have like no idea. It is hard for me
to say. You know, I I've recently been talking about
blow jobs because that was something that I thought was degrading.
I really did. I grew. I went in high school.
I had a guy. The first time I tried to
give a blowjob, he put his hand on the back
of my head, and I thought, get that buck off
of me, like, you are never allowed to touch me again.
(17:12):
And so for so many years I was so kind
of traumatized by that one incident that I thought blow
jobs equated degradation, like that was demoralizing and and that
wasn't That wasn't a girl that respected herself. And now
that I'm in love with somebody, I want to give
blow jobs to him. I want to put his hand
on the back of my head. I'm like, yes, yes,
(17:34):
Like I've never felt more inclined to want to put
someone's penis in my mouth than I do with somebody
that I deeply, deeply love. And I get it now.
I just paused to say, is this this is the
same guy from summer. Yes, yes, Joe Coy is his name.
He's my game, he's my lover. So psyched because I
thought when we were having dinner in the summer, I
(17:55):
was like this, really, this really sounds promising, like you
were talking about it's on baby. Never heard you talk
about a dude, So this is great. It's on baby,
and you're going to meet him at some point and
he cannot and he has given me because I because
there is a deep love and a deep respect. There
is an intimacy there that I have never experienced before.
So when you talk about saying to somebody, hey, when
(18:17):
they're rubbing the side of your labia instead of your
clatorus and we just sit there and pretend that that's
acceptable and fake and orgasm, I've come to a point
in my life where I'm like, no, honey, move your
hand over here. This is where this is and that
level of intimacy where you can say to somebody, hey,
this is what I like, this is what I want
to try. Let's try. This is something that that is
(18:39):
the definition of intimacy. I agree with you completely, and
I just want to acknowledge that it is really a
vulnerable conversation in a hard conversation for I think especially
women to have and especially younger women especially. You know,
it's like you look around in this generation and the
messages they're being told about sex, and it's like they
have to be fuckable, and you know, it's like I
(19:01):
worry so much about the messages they're getting about who
they're supposed to be sexually. So that's kind of like
why I wanted to do the show so badly, because
I thought it would be so nice to have some
counter programming to all of that, you know, and to
show what happens in an intimate relationship when there are
when there are problems, when problems arise, and and the
(19:22):
level of communication that's needed and bravery, you know, to
counteract some of that. I just get very disturbed by
by what I see and in the popular culture in
terms of what what a girl is supposed to look
like and therefore be like do you know what I mean? Yeah? Absolutely?
And I think the new show you have coming out,
which is on Netflix, I think it streams today, correct, Yes,
(19:43):
it drops today, comes out. It drips it drip drops today.
It's called sex Love and Goop. And this is an
exploration of five couples that are seeking ways to be
more intimate and have a stronger kind of sexual relationship,
stronger intimacy, and a stronger understanding really of of what
(20:06):
it means to be there for your partner and what
it means to ask for what you want, which is
what we're all about, because I think this applies to
everything in a woman's life. Asking for what we want
is sometimes the last thing we're able to do. And
so if you can apply this, I think it always
starts at home. If you can apply it to your relationship,
you're able to apply it to the world, You're able
(20:26):
to apply it to your career, and so on and
so on. And Catherine, you were telling me that you
guys were watching it with your husband. I watched it
with my husband, and one thing I found so amazing
was literally ten minutes in, like ten minutes in we
were pausing a show. We were like talking about things
that we we've never talked about, and not just about sex,
(20:47):
but about relationships. And and I mean I learned I've
been with him for sixteen years, and I learned stuff
about him I never knew. So it was this wonderful
experience to watch together and discover new things about each
other other. It was really cool. I'm so happy about that. Yeah,
do you want? Would you and Brad watch it together
and discover new things about yourselves? Gwyneth, we haven't watched
(21:10):
it together. He hasn't seen it yet. You know. It's
like when you're editing a show and you're just in
the computer with headphones on. But I'm looking forward to
watching it with him. I want to say, like, your
relationship with each other has been so inspiring to watch,
because the two of you really had a really beautiful
friendship that developed into a love ship and developed into
(21:32):
a marriage. And for a long time, you guys didn't
even live together. I'm still not even convinced you really
do now because we do. But what do you think
that added to your relationship by remaining independent but together. Well,
it's interesting because the reason that we we got we
were together for a long time and we never we
(21:53):
didn't live together, and then we got married and we
decided let's just wait another year before we move in.
And the consciousness behind that was really like, let's just
let the kids kind of settle into this energetic body
of like a marriage and a family, and and I
think for that year it was funny because in the
years before it was nice to have that time. It's like, oh,
(22:16):
tonight is like my night with Brad. I'm so excited,
and now tonight he's with his kids, and oh my god.
Fun I get to have a girl's dinner or I
get to like drink wine in the bath and then
dance around like a lunatic like and I was like,
this is great, this is so fun because we get
the best of both worlds. And then interestingly, if once
we got married, I really really missed him and and
(22:38):
it was like it felt like, gosh, I really wish
we lived. It felt like we should be living under
the same roof. And so by the time he moved in,
it was really I had a lot of longing and
I was so excited about it. Oh that's so sweet,
and he's so sweet too. Yeah, yeah, I think that's
And also dating is so much sexier, Like the longer
(22:58):
you could prolong that experience with somebody, I think the
sexterior relationship becomes you know. I I love to think
of the idea. When people ask me if I'm gonna
get married, I'm like, I would just like to be
engaged for a really long time because I want to
be with my boyfriend, not necessarily my husband. But that's
those are my issues about what, you know, the construct
of marriage and all that bullshit, which is irrelevant for this.
(23:19):
But I will say, like if you kind of take
the modern version of marriage out of it, or like
the patriarchical version of marriage, and it's like and you
kind of go back to some other thing of like
a real commitment to someone, like something cool does happen.
You'll see it's like this. It is like this entity
that you guys create. It's this very cool thing. I mean,
(23:42):
you know what I'm talking about. Because you've been married
for sixteen years, right, Yeah, I think there is an
energetic shift you don't expect with that. Like we got
married very young, and years later when our friends started
getting married, they were like, nothing's going to change. We've
been living together. It's just a piece of paper. And
every time there was a shift, and it was either
(24:03):
for the better or for the worst, like some people
thought about things that they had never fought about or
just had different expectations of each other. But there is
some shift that happens. Yeah, because you're teaming up and
it's a partnership, you know, and a lot of people,
I think also think that marriage is going to solve
you know. Conversely, I think many people think marriage is
(24:23):
going to solve a lot of the issues that they
may have. So that's why this show is so well.
It's always been timely, but timelier now I think because
people are open more open to having these kind of deeper,
intimate conversations about what they're feeling. I forget the couple's name,
but the woman who talks about unclenching in one of
the episodes, and I was like, oh my god, unclenching.
I'm like, do I do that? And I think I might,
(24:46):
And how she said, I realize I've been clenched for
so long and just had this incredible emotional experience through
that she she and her partner, and there was Erica
and Damon, I believe, and I mean they both had
these basically like touching the face of God experiences. I
feel like the energetic orgasm that Damon had, and and
(25:07):
her experience with unclenching and letting herself be freer, and
and the body shame that went with some of the
assumptions that she made about her body because of what
partners had said in the past. And I mean, yeah,
that's something that I think all women can relate to.
You know, I had a boyfriend who told me my
boobs were too big, and then I went on a
topless rampage for six years after we broke up to
prove to myself that my boobs were just perfect and
(25:29):
they were for me. But he had given me a
complex about it for so long at that I was like,
by the time I got away from him, on like freedom,
You know, I should embrace these boobs. They're mine, They're natural,
they're big and bountiful, and I should love them. So yeah,
I think a lot of people shame us into thinking
about our bodies. I know, Gwyneth, you and I have
had this conversation about past boyfriends making comments about parts
(25:51):
of our bodies and carrying it with you for so long,
and what that does to our self esteem and self worth. Absolutely,
and if you take that, which is I think the
most painful, because you know, you're at your most vulnerable
when you're in an intimate relationship with somebody, and if
they take that opportunity to hurt you even if they're joking,
(26:14):
it cuts so deep in that context. And yeah, it's funny,
Like I've had stuff that stayed with me for a
really long time, like you little comments here and there,
and that's what I loved. Someone there's one expert in
the show named Amina, and she does this exercise with
this woman where she disrobes and she kind of just
like looks at her body naked, and it's this exercise
(26:36):
and acceptance. I thought it was really powerful because I
was like, oh my god, you know the way that
we look at our bodies through this insane under a
microscopic lens of everything that's wrong, and I was like,
we have got to stop doing that. It's so I
think it hurts us in so many ways, you know.
I think it it affects how you can report yourself
(26:58):
in the world, how you relate to herself sexually. It's
like and then you know, you take something like that,
and then you take social media and how we're all
supposed to look and it's like, by the end of
the day, how can you feel good about yourself? Right?
I said this gun last week's podcast, but I was
talking about Joe my my lover, and I was saying
how I was. I was in my Orka and I
was looking at my arms like, go oh, honey, I
think I have like cellulate on my arm. Now what
(27:20):
is going on? And he said, honey, cellulate is the
sexiest thing in the world. That's what makes a woman
a woman. And I'm like, oh my god, I have
to write that fucking down. I mean, every woman needs
to hear that. That is what makes a woman a woman.
On that note, yeah, thank you. On that note, Let's
take some callers Gwyne's So what people are gonna call
(27:41):
in ask us some questions. We're going to give our
best advice to them and help them. This is the best.
It's such a fun podcast. I love it well. Our
first question comes from mel in Vancouver. She's thirty four.
She says, Dear Chelsea, I've been dating a tall, dark
and handsome attawel I in Man for almost two years.
(28:01):
He's forty nine and I'm thirty four. Everything about him
is great except one giant problem. I feel like he's
the child I never wanted. He doesn't do anything for himself.
If I wasn't in his life, he would never do
laundry or cook a meal and because of this, our
sex life is non existent. In the beginning, it was okay,
and now nothing. He's financially stable, has two great kids,
(28:22):
and wants all the same things I want out of life.
But if he can't start taking care of me in
the ways I need sexually and emotionally, I think I
need to leave. I would say I would agree with that.
You're not his housekeeper. I mean that isn't fun or hot,
so so I mean you that's going to take care
of itself anyway, because as long as somebody's not turning
(28:43):
you on or looking after you in a way that
makes you feel cared for, you're gonna lose your boner
for that relationship, right. And I felt like this question
was so similar to Rama and felicitas who are in
sex love and Goup, where he was blindsided when she
all of a sudden was like, you know what, I
think I want a divorce and he didn't know anything
was wrong, but they had this dynamic where he was
(29:05):
childlike and she would sort of condescend to him, but
he needed so much from her. It was just very uneven. Yeah, yeah, no,
reciproc I would say, she's not she's not married. And
they don't have kids. It's like the old adage when
someone shows you who they are, believe them. It's like
he's not going to all of a sudden one day
(29:26):
start taking care of himself and her And right, I mean,
I don't. I think it's unless I don't know if
they've exhausted all possibilities and if they've had therapy and
stuff like that. But that sounds like he needs to
to resolve some things, needs to resolve some things. And yeah,
obviously you want to explore the idea of talking to
a professional who can help him understand that that's not
(29:49):
a contributing factor to a great sex life or to
a long term relationship because you're playing a motherly role
and while that's fine in moments, it's not fine as
your entire a relationship. That's not your role. If you
haven't gone to therapy, please try that first so that
he can become a little bit more self aware, because
maybe he just doesn't understand and the only relationships he's
(30:10):
been in were with his mother and then possibly a
wife who did that for him. So you have to
make it clear that this situation is something that you're
not going to be on board with and then you know,
everyone is capable of change at a certain point in
their lives, and love will do that to you. It
will make you want to change. So I wouldn't say
(30:30):
that there's no hope for him. I would just say
make sure that you find out quickly whether there is
or not. Chelsea's more optimistic than I when it seems
down about that. Sorry, yeah, sorry, color anyway, good luck
and report back. Let us know what happens. Yes, yes, please.
Our next question comes from Rose. She is a pharmacist.
(30:51):
I'm a Pharmacist's funny. I'm actually a pharmacological into it,
so that's that's different. Now. She was potentially going to
come and call in and talk to us, but her
almost husband decided that he did not want her to
do that. I actually asked him to join as well,
because I thought this would be a really beneficial conversation
(31:11):
to have with the two of them. But here's her issue.
Dear Chelsea, my husband. They're getting married this week. Actually,
my husband has always played lots of video games, but
he's turning thirty this year, and I think it's time
he shifted his priorities. He's been in dead end jobs
for the last ten years and keep saying he'll go
back to school or learn new skills. I have a
doctorate degree in a stable job. However, when it comes
(31:33):
to taking action, he devotes almost eight to ten hours
a day to playing video games. I feel guilty making
him spend time with me, and even when we spend
time together, he's on his phone chatting or reading about
video games. How do I get him to focus on
our future? More? Rows Gwyneth, Why don't you take the
lead on this? I mean, I think that he's using
video games as as an excuse to avoid life and
(31:59):
looking it himself, and intimacy and and just about everything
Like this is a real red flag. I mean I
would somebody who is disengaging to this point and not
meeting their partner's needs to this point, and choosing not
to be in a partnership over a video game. I
I personally think like if they're about to get married,
(32:22):
I would crash in an emergency therapy session. Yeah. I
would also like to say that not only is that
this is several red flags. Eight to nine hours a
day playing video games, It's an unacceptable way to spend
your and where does he work? Like I don't understand
who has time to play eight to nine hours of
video games. I spoke with him. He's kind of like
(32:42):
a like a gig worker type of thing. Okay, well
that's great, but he has to develop some other interests
that involve his potential wife. And if they're getting married
this weekend, I mean, this is this is sad because no,
I don't think she should be getting married to somebody
this weekend who she feels guilty to ask to. She
feels guilty when she asked him to spend time with her.
Is heartbreaking. You should never feel that way about your partner,
(33:06):
and certainly not over video games. But there's an addiction here, right,
This is not just like I'm playing video games he is.
There's an addiction issue for sure, and people use addictive
behavior as a way to enops the ties bad or
sad or hard feelings. Like he needs to go and
look at what he's trying to avoid feeling. Yeah, and
(33:29):
he's probably not going to be very open to that
conversation in his current state. So I mean, I would
hate to say something as dramatic as postponing the marriage,
but I mean, in my my instinct tells me that
that's exactly what you should do, because it sounds like
you're going to be making a grave mistake without holding
his feet to the fire before you marry him, and
allowing this behavior and moving into a marriage while he's
(33:52):
doing this is sanctioning that behavior and letting him think
that that's okay. So what is her name? Rose? Was?
I really I'm sorry that you're dealing with this and
going through this, but I just want to tell you
it's not acceptable as a woman to another woman. This
is not acceptable and you deserve a lot more. And
when you hold hired standards, somebody will meet you there.
(34:14):
My parents always said that quality time comes with a
quantity of time, So you don't get that quality time
just by like picking a time for quality time. It
happens when you have a longer period of time with
someone and you get those special moments. And this just
leaves me thinking, how do they have any level of
intimacy when there's really no time in his life for her? Like,
(34:36):
how do you keep an intimate relationship with that emotionally
or sexually at all. Yeah, it's funny that you say that,
because I was I was talking to my friend about
you know, ex husbands and divorced dads, and how they
come in hot, you know, on the weekend, and they
want to make that time count, and it's like, you
can't just do that. It doesn't work that way. You
can't pop in and out like a pop up. It
(34:57):
has to be prolonged periods of time lead to those
special special exactly what you said, and you said it beautifully,
so I'll try not to butcher it any further. Fuck Well,
our next question, we do have a caller. This is Teresa.
Teresa says, Dear Chelsea, I'm twenty six and in my
first real relationship. My boyfriend treats me right. He's so kind,
(35:20):
funny and thoughtful, respectful and smart. I could really see
him being the one. The only issue is, for the
past three months, nearly every time we try to have sex,
he goes soft right before we can actually have sex.
I will say, he's extremely talented in other arenas, so
much so that it hasn't really bothered me that we
haven't fully had sex, But he gets super worked up
(35:43):
and in his head about it, which just makes things worse.
He lost a ton of weight during quarantine, and his
body image issues are definitely contributing to the whole thing.
I just don't know how to help without embarrassing him
or making things worse. What do I do? Teresa? Hi, Teresa, Hi,
so nice to meet you. Thank you for having me.
Hi Teresa, Hi, great to meet you. Nice to meet
(36:06):
you too. This might be obvious, but has he tried
by agra or something like that? So he hasn't, And
I'm trying to figure out the best way to kind
of bring it up without it damaging his self esteem
more because I know it's a very like tricky topic,
especially for guys. So I'm trying to figure out kind
of like the best way to have that conversation, and
he would be open to it, I think. I mean,
(36:28):
if he's feeling terrible about not being able to it
feels to me like it's a pretty easy conversation to
have from that place, right, like, Hey, this is happening,
I can see how upset you are. Why don't we
give this a try? Like what's the worst it can happen? Yeah,
And I've mentioned that I'm open to it and like
open to whatever he wants to try. I think he
(36:49):
just needs like the push to do it. Even though
I've encouraged him to. So I don't know, does you
have any trauma in his past? Like, does he has?
He explored it all. This might be happening. He's mentioned
just kind of general self esteem issues. So I think
it's like since the first time when it didn't happen,
like he kept getting in his head about it and
(37:10):
then it just got worse and worse. Oh, he needs
to break the cycle. He needs to pop a viagra,
right right, guys, Yeah, you know this happens to so
many people, by the way, just so you know, and
just so he knows. And I know you're protecting his
ego and you want to be careful with him, but
you're a team, right, You're on his side, so it
doesn't have to be emasculating and it doesn't have to
(37:32):
take his manhood away to be like, Okay, listen, we
have a slight issue. Let's figure it out. Everything is workable.
You obviously love him, he loves you. And I once
got this shaky leg syndrome right where all of a sudden,
my legs started shaking when I was on stage and
that had never happened to me. And I make a
living by standing on stage and talking so that was
a real problem for me, and I started taking beta
(37:55):
blockers and they said, okay, take them for three weeks
and then you'll just change the neuropathway is the neural
pathways in your brain, and you remember not to send
that signal to your brain that you're nervous and that
your leg is shaking, and that's how it's presenting itself.
And once I cut that out, like, I've never had
that problem again. This sounds analogous to that. Obviously it's
a separate issue, but it sounds kind of in the
(38:16):
same ballpark. There's probably plentiful antidotes to this situation, whether
it's viagra, whether it's therapy, whether it's him, you know,
getting more comfortable with his body. I think the first
and foremost, you just have to remind him in this
conversation that there's nothing to be embarrassed about when it's
concerning the two of you. You are a team. You
love him, and you're gonna be with him, whether or
(38:37):
not he could ever have sex again exactly. Yeah, it
doesn't matter. If he's so great in other areas and
then it really doesn't matter. But he'll get past this
and he just has to be willing to kind of
face it, because before you can get past anything, you
have to face something. Yeah. I think he also doesn't
realize how common it is. I feel like guys that
probably don't talk about it, like the same white girls
(38:58):
talk about things, Yeah, because why would they. Why would
a guy be like, hey, I lost my direction to
last night. Can you believe like that's not something to
brag about? You know, they're not on the SmartLess podcast
with Will Arnett saying I got soft last night. No
one is bragging about that. So you have to be
sensitive to why men are, you know, are the way
they are, and they are so insecure about stuff. They
(39:19):
don't talk to each other about that stuff ever ever,
So I think it's just being more of a ballast
of support. It's always just showing people that you're there
for them when they're in their most insecure phases, which
is what he's going through with his weight loss. That
shifts you know, your bio rhythm, your biology, all of
that stuff is affected. So I wouldn't even think about
(39:41):
this as a serious issue, and I wouldn't treat it
as a serious issue. You know, it's just something you
guys are gonna deal with together and figure out a
way through. Yeah, I agree, and that's how I've kind
of been treating it too. I think for him, he
was worried about losing me over it, even though I've
assured him a million times that, like, he's amazing and
I love him and I wouldn't change anything else about him.
So I'm very happy. That's really sweet. And you know,
(40:06):
we all have our things that make us holly imperfect, right,
It's like we're all human beings, we all have problems,
we all have stuff, and it's like if he's an
amazing human being and this is the thing, and you
feel like you can get past it. And by the way,
as Chelsea said, there is totally hope. That's amazing that
you're able to prioritize who he is as a person
(40:28):
over everything else. And he's good at other things. So
I'm having a good time. Yeah, we got it, you
like when he goes down on you, we got it
loud ready, we got it, And we're happy for you.
And he's lucky to have you. Yes, well, thank you,
and Docoy is lucky to have you. I'm very happy
for you, Chelsea. Thanks Teresa, thank you so much. It's
(40:49):
so nice. Thank you, thank you. Oh she's so cute. Yeah.
This brings me back to like Darshana and Camille, who
were a nice lesbian cup ball on sex, Love and Goop.
And what I thought was so interesting is that one
of them had issues with penetration, which you know, is
(41:09):
so similar to this situation. But it came back to
that religious trauma that she had gone through, and the
relaxation exercises they did, the like hands on sexual therapy
that they did, really helped. But I mean it truly
for her was it was all in her head and
getting past that really opened up so many new avenues
(41:31):
for them. And I think that's an important salient point
to drive home for this series for Gwyneth, because it
is we all, especially as women, are so in our
heads about how, you know, think about hooking up with
somebody for the first time or getting to know somebody
and thinking about the way that you present your body
or the positions you put yourself into be more flattering,
(41:54):
or you know, looking a certain way, or you know,
we all look a little bit ugly at times when
we're having sex. We look a little silly, we look
a little ridiculous, and instead of is showing that it's
better to lean in and embrace it and understand that
we are human beings. That we are going to look
silly with our legs behind our ears, you know, you know,
(42:15):
but we are going to be in positions that are vulnerable,
that make us feel like, you know, oh my god,
where is he going to see my bellule? Fat? Is
he gonna see my cellulite? And as woman, the more
you embrace that, the more that you lean into it,
the more sexualized you become, and the more sexy sex becomes. Yep,
(42:39):
did you just climax? It sounded like I mean, it
really makes me think of again my relationship with my
husband because, to put it quickly, he and I have
very different taste in women, and it took me a
long time to realize that, you know, I'm a curvy girl.
He doesn't like me despite my body type. He actually
likes me because of my body type. And honestly, Instagram
(43:02):
really helped with that, following a lot of gorgeous women
who look a lot like me and being like, wait,
if she looks great in that bikini dress? Whatever. It
took a while, but I had to sort of recondition
my brain to finally realize, like, well, that's actually what
turns him on, that's what he's looking for in a partner.
And well, I know, Esther, you've said this to me before,
(43:23):
that Brad always likes you like eight pounds up. Because
Esther always thinks she's eight pounds up or seven, it's
seven or eight. She's always like, I'm eight pounds heavier
than i'd like to be. And I'm always three pounds
heavier than I like to be. And my guy Joe
is always like, I like put more weight on. He's like,
I like a little extra meat on you. And I
know Brad likes I'm Gwinnett too, He's like, I like that,
you know, bulk up. That seems to be a theme
(43:46):
here because my doesnt. So. I think what we think.
You know, we're always presenting ourselves almost for other women,
not for our men, because if if they had their druthers,
we would all be a little beefier. They want something
to hold onto, They like a little junk in our trunk,
wouldn't you agree, Esther? I think that's absolutely right. I
think that we as women look in the mirror like
(44:06):
we have I don't know how we arrived at this
ridiculous idea or number or whatever. But we're like, oh,
I like myself at X weight. And as you were saying,
like we need to, I think just expand you know,
instead of looking at at things through a punitive lens,
like I'm not where I want to be, I don't
look my best. It's like, what if we just like
(44:27):
relax a little bit and open the spectrum of like
what was beautiful for us? And because I do think
a lot of a lot of men, you know, like us.
However we come that day, you know what I mean.
They're far more accepting of us than we are of
our own bodies, I know. And and it's funny that
we hold you know, there is a new new movement
(44:48):
that's been happening for the last couple of years with
people like Ashley Graham who are so body positive and
who is a professional model who's showing all of the
flaws that we have on our body and showing the
b uty of cellulite, of pregnancy, of all of you know,
the gorgeousness that is involved in that. And I think
there's a new phase of body consciousness that people understand.
(45:10):
You know, every type is sexy, and it sounds it
can sound like a bunch of horseship, But it's like
when you really talk to people who are living in
their bodies, and I know you you are always living
in your body because you're always doing something to help yourself.
Are you still not? I saw got this summer and
she hadn't had a drink in like seven months, and
that may be sad. I just oh, by the way, Ester,
(45:31):
I just finished a thirty day alcohol cleans. Can you
dig it? She fs She's about to finish a three
hundred and sixty five day alcohol less Oh my god,
it's been Yeah, it's been a long year of no
barely any alcohol. I mean I've had a sip here
and there, but very well. But how is that affecting you?
Are you happy about that? Do you feel great? Or
(45:51):
do you feel you know me? I love a drink
and I love the ritual of it, and I love
to sit down and have one and chat. And I
love the taste of alcohol, like I'm I love whiskey
and wine and whatever vodka like I'll take it all.
But I think what happened was it was it was
(46:11):
just you know, having gotten COVID and having felt like Ship,
but like having had long COVID stuff for a while,
and I just wasn't I just didn't feel vibrant. I
didn't feel good, and I had really high inflammation levels.
And the doctor was like, look, you really need to
clean up your act, like you gotta at least for
three months, no alcohol, no grains, no sugar, you know,
(46:33):
nothing processed, everything like that, and so I kind of
begrudgingly did it, and then I just started to feel
so good. And I don't know, I'm not going to
do it forever. But I think has been about like
me trying to value my health and wellness a little
bit more, because especially during COVID, I was just like
(46:55):
eating whatever, drinking you know, seven nights a week. And
it's been really interesting and I like, I sleep so
much better with no alcohol. It's wild, like I have
this orr ring and it tracks like your heart rate
and how will you sleep? And it's like if I
have two SIPs of wine, like on Saturday night with
(47:17):
someone's birthday and I toasted and I had two SIPs
of wine and like I slept like ship. So I
don't know, we'll see, Yeah, I know, that's what I thought.
I was like, Oh, I'm gonna do thirty days of
no alcohol, and I was like, oh no, what if
I become one of those sober people because people always
go I did thirty days and I felt so good,
so I did it sixties. So I made sure a
day thirty. I'm like, get me an apriall spirits right stack,
because I don't want to be sober, but thank God
(47:38):
because you not drinking. It's like, I don't even know
what that means. Our last question comes from Sydney, and
this ties right into some of the things you have
going on at group right now, Gwyneth Dear Chelsea. I'm
twenty four years old and I haven't had sex in
three years. I'd be totally fine with that if I
knew how to masturbate, but I don't, nor have I
(47:59):
ever had an orgasm. My parents were open and encouraging
when it came to our sexuality, but for some reason,
I've never been able to overcome the mental hurdles. I
would try the casual hook up, but I'm terrible at dating,
and my last sexual encounter was a bit traumatic and
has taken me a lot of time to process. At
this point, the most stimulation I get is from that
cheesy show Sex Life. What do I do? Thank you? Sydney?
(48:23):
What do you think esther? First of all, I think
there's a lot of pressure around orgasm and dating, and Gio,
who is one of the experts on the show, kind
of talks about a spectrum of orgasms and a spectrum
of pleasure and that sometimes you know, we have this
in our mind. It's like this high stake situation and
are we going to be able to orgasm or not?
(48:44):
And I think if Sydney starts to just explore what
feels good to her, you know, it doesn't have to
be straight to the genitals. It's like, what is she like?
What feels good like? You know? She I think she
should try to understand her body. And he's totally accepting
of what feels right to her and what turns her on.
(49:05):
You know, think of the things that turn you on.
For a total beginner like that, would you recommend a
like a toy like a vibrator or just kind of
experimenting on her own. I think that a vibrator can't hurt,
because it's good to just explore what you know, what
your options are, and see what's out there. I mean,
vibrators are popular for a reason. You know, a lot
(49:25):
of women get a lot of pleasure from that. People
have very sensitive nipples, people have very sensitive backs of
their neck, people have, you know, sensitive areas. You kind
of have to find out what your zone is, you know,
where you feel like you're being turned on. What do
you see that turns you on? Is it a man,
is it a woman? Is it gay porn? Is it
straight porn? Like is it porn? Is it a love story? Like?
(49:47):
You just have to find out where, like you know,
your orogenous zones are a and what kind of makes
you get those feelings is a good place to start.
And she did mention that she had trauma in her past,
and that is obviously something that needs to be explored
and then extinguished for her to feel free enough sexually,
(50:08):
to relax enough to find out what does give her pleasure,
because there is a relaxing component that you need to have.
It's like when you hook up with somebody in the beginning.
I know for myself it was very hard to have
sex with people I didn't have relationships with and allow
and and and and come to orgasm like I wouldn't
(50:29):
feel comfortable enough. I could have sex with them, but
I wasn't going to relax enough and show them the way.
And this is what I like, and I want you
to do this to my boob or we know whatever.
Like I don't feel comfortable. I didn't feel comfortable enough
with somebody to do that. So you do have to
relax and have an understanding of your own body and
a comfort level. And if there is trauma that's unresolved,
(50:51):
then that is going to contribute to that kind of stall.
I agree with that. And after that, I think we
can all go finger blast ourselves. Yeah, I mean that's
the takeaway. Problem solved, as usual, problem solved. You've come
to the best. I'm happy to send Sydney. Let's do that. Please,
Let's send her. Let's make sure we record that. Let's
send her, send her exactly. That's perfect. Gwyneth to the
(51:15):
rescue as usual, Yes, usual, lament. I think we actually
should take a quick break. Oh, okay, we'll go to
some ads. So one thing we've been doing recently is
our guests are actually asking Chelsea for advice. So, Gwyneth,
is there anything that you'd like to ask Chelsea? Yes,
this is my favorite part of the show, so I
(51:36):
need you to take it very seriously. Esther, I would
love to ask, what are the practices that you put
in place to finally get over the hurdle of your
intimacy stuff and really accept Joe wholeheartedly and deeply into
your heart. Well, I spent a lot of time in therapy,
(51:57):
like two years, and then I did it full attle
because I didn't want to do it long term. I
wanted to do it and get to the root of
the matter, and of course I'll go back when issues arise,
but I didn't want it to be a long term thing.
And I remember somebody saying, you know, when you get healthy,
you attract a healthy and I always thought, okay, what
do I have to do to get healthy? And the
first thing was really digging deep into, you know, discovering
(52:20):
yourself and what your what your issues are, why you
behave the way you do, why I had so many
guardrails up and once you unpack that. If somebody had said, Okay,
in six years you're gonna meet the love of your life,
I would be like, Okay, just blow my brains out.
That's too long, you know. If somebody had set but
that's really how long it took, because it's the practice
of going to therapy. Then it's the practice of taking
(52:40):
what you learned in therapy and absorbing it and then
applying it to your life, which is a daily practice.
And I now I'm just a much healthier, emotionally healthier person.
I meditate every morning I used I meditate on my
grounding Matt every morning. I am a positive light instead
of I don't like if anyone is negative, or anyone
(53:03):
is bitching or gossiping. I no longer have any frequency
for that. I just immediately am turned off by that,
and I walk in the other direction, and my habits
have changed. And when you are light and love, then
it just bounces right back at you. And for me
to see his light and love, which was around me
for fifteen years in my face, I did not see it,
(53:23):
and it was sitting right in front of me, and
he wouldn't have it. And I go, I can't believe
we've wasted fifteen years. He goes, Honey, we didn't waste
fifteen years. He goes, this is the best it's ever
gonna be. The timing is perfect. I could have been
five more years, and I would have been happy to
have you then, like, so I just I mean, I
can't say it enough. Like when you do the work
to make yourself the best version of yourself, which is
(53:44):
an ongoing process as we all know, it attracts the best,
and then you're able to see with a clearer lens
all of the people, all of the things that you
were missing, like how green the trees are, you know,
and how beautiful it is to walk on the beach,
and all of the little things that I thought we're
corny to think about or mentioned are beautiful to me now,
(54:04):
you know. I look at the moon, I stare at it.
I'm like, that is magnificent, you know. I look at
the trees, I'm like, look at nature, Like everything is beautiful.
So yeah, I feel very healed. Not like I'm fully
cooked or done, but I feel like I'm in the
process of healing. And being in love is the most
healing thing I could have ever asked for. Oh my god,
(54:24):
I'm like, I'm crying. I'm so happy for you. Thanks honey,
Thanks Esther. I'm so happy for you too. You have
that kind of love too. We've been praying for this
for you for a long time. So I can't believe
how beautiful that was. You're so sweet to be crying,
Esther's crying everyone, and you're moving me. I love you.
(54:44):
I love you, honey. I love you so much. And
I'll be your neighbor in about a year once I'm
done renovating my house. I can't wait to get you
in the neighborhood. Exciting times, honey. Ladies, this was so wonderful.
Thank you for having me. I really appreciate it. And
every one can tune into sex love and Goop It's
dreams today Netflix, watch it, watch it. You're gonna have
(55:05):
four sex with your partners. Everybody is going to be healed.
Thank you, Oh my god, thank you so much. By Okay,
bye guys. Thanks Civilian, thank you, thank you. By
Oh hello everybody. Oh it's Thursday or Friday, Saturday, Sunday.
It doesn't matter what day it is that you're listening
to this podcast, but it comes out every Thursday. And
this is Dear Chelsea and I'm Chelsea hand Chop and
this is my co host, Catherine law Hi. So much
to report. Yes, oh god, I had the best fucking
(00:22):
weekend ever. You've been on tour, like math, Oh my god,
it's been the best. I went to Albany, which was awesome.
I went to Boston. I love Boston. Oh my god.
The theater was built in eighteen fifty four that I
performed in in Boston, and it felt like it. I
was sweating through my jumpsuit. I had to throw away
my underwear after the show I threw I walked off
(00:43):
stage at the Orpheum Theater in Boston. First of all,
one of the best crowds ever. I've had so many
great crowds on this tour. And I just love performing
in Boston because I'm an East Coaster and I'm from
the Vineyard, and I just, you know, all of those
places feel like home to me. And I walked off
stage and into what seemed like a prison shower at
the Orpheum Theater just and I threw my underwear and
(01:06):
my bra and the garbage. I just was like, these
two have seen their this is it and uh. And
then I did two shows of the Beacon, which were
epic because the first show I had Sarah Cooper, who
you know that great girls who did all those trumpet
and then I had Amy Schumer and Sarah Silverman come
in to do surprise sets, which was the crowd went nuts.
(01:31):
And my crowds, I have to say everyone at my
shows Saturday and Sunday at the Beacon, all the comics
that performed were like, Chelsea, you have the best crowds.
Amy said it, Sarah said it. I had Matteo Lane,
who's this incredible comic. If you don't know him, please
try and find him on Instagram Mateo Lane. He's so funny.
Hopefully I'll have him when I announced more dates, I
(01:52):
had rosebud Baker and then Sarah Cooper again Sunday night.
My crowds are the best crowds and they were in
the best mood and I'm my family was there. I
had so many friends there and we just crushed it.
It was just one of those great weekends. So we
justin ounced more tour dates in Canada and the Pacific Northwest.
We're coming to Seattle, We're coming to Eugene and Portland
(02:12):
and Winnipeg and Vancouver and Toronto and all of those places.
So please look at Chelsea Handler dot com for your tickets.
And I'm gonna bring Joe Koy to my Florida dates,
so we will have some Joe Koy Chelsea Handler duo
action in Jacksonville Jacksonville, Florida, and we're going to Orlando, Miami,
(02:34):
and St. Petersburg, So please look at my website by
your tickets. This tour has been awesome. I'm crushing it
and I usually don't say that about myself, but I'm
gonna because I fucking ad and it's a message that
everyone needs to hear right now. And my thirty day
alcohol clans is, Oh, I'm a couple of days really,
(02:56):
because I started a few days after you. You were
like four days in or something. How have you felt
on it? Okay, I'm not. It was easy for the
first couple of weeks, and then once I got to
New York City and I was I was staying in
New York, like between my weekends where I go on
the road and Joe goes on the road, so we
meet up. The last two weeks we've met up in
New York. Going to New York and going out to
restaurants was the most challenging for me because that's where
(03:18):
I wanted Margarita right. I wanted Margarita no salt and
I and that was very difficult. But Joe is so
great because he doesn't care about drinking, so it didn't matter,
so it was easy to be with him. So we
started ordering non alcoholic beers and now I'm addicted to
non alcoholic beer. Class Tower is my favorite. But I
(03:39):
went into one place and they had the Heideken zero
and they handed to us, handed it to us, and
I was like jones ing by the time, I like
the third day of non alcoholic beer. Once I was
introduced to it, I was like, oh wait. I was like,
I need out alcoholic beer right now. Joe, let's go.
And He's like, oh my god, you're such a non
alcoholic alcoholic. And they served us a Heineken zero and
(04:02):
it was warm, and I just I said, we have
to go right now, and I just left a hundred
bucks on the table and we departed. I was like,
I'm already struggling. So it was the last week that
was the hardest. I broke it. Last night after my
show at the Beacon, I went out with Matteo, Lane,
and Alana Glazier from Broad City. She was at my show,
love her and Matteo and his friend Dorian, and we
(04:25):
had an apperall sprits at dinner. I had to lovely, Lovely.
I've been feeling the same way like after week two.
It was harder, and I kept sort of waiting for
what everybody talks about, like and I just felt so
inspired and wonderful and no hangovers and all this stuff.
I kept waiting for that, but I just found myself
being very bored in the evenings and very boring. I
(04:47):
found myself to be boring, Like people come on the
road in the openers. I have different girls coming to
different cities, and I think they think, like it's going
to be this party afterwards, We're gonna go to drink,
And I was like, I go to my room and
FaceTime with my boyfriend, and now that's my life and
I have I have no social skills without alcohol, Like
I mean, I do, but you have to. It's a hurdle.
(05:09):
Like going out without drinking is like do I really
want to do that to myself. I'd rather just go
home and be by myself, so there's no pressure to socialize,
you know. And Plus when I'm starting my tours, I liked,
well this store. I wanted to be really focused, and
I kept running into people that had done a thirty
day cleanse, like my hair stylist Ben Scriven in New York.
(05:29):
He was like, oh, I I took January sober January,
and then it led to ten more months and I
was like, oh, is that going to happen to me?
Am I going to be a sneaky sober person? And
then I was like no, no, you can't do that, Chelsea,
Like that is not your personality. So I think it
has to be accumulative. Like I think people get to
a month and then they do another month and then
you start to feel so incredible, but like month three,
(05:52):
I don't have that kind of time. Another thing that
happened was that I was eating whatever the funk I
wanted to do or wanted to and that was counter
active to my no alcohol right. The one thing I
did notice is that my skin and my face was tight,
like is tight. It got tight and everyone was going,
oh my god, your skin is so incredible. That could
(06:14):
also be because I'm in love. It could also be
because I'm getting penetrated on a regular basis. But there
is a definite component about you know, alcohol does aide you.
That's not deniable. I mean, but yeah, I I'm glad
to be done with it. I'm gonna have a drink tonight.
We're gonna go out to dinner with Joe and his
son and his ex wife and her friend, and I'm
(06:35):
planning on having a stiff drink. It's a night for
a drink. Yeah, And I think I'll just I think
I'll probably taper off my drinking a little bit. I mean,
it was already a lot less than I had been.
But I do like being clear and on stage. I
don't like having alcohol in my system or around when
I'm when I'm performing. Yeah, I would imagine it sort
(06:56):
of slows you down and makes you a little more
sluggish on stage. Sluggish. And I'll so, Yeah, Like I
like sharpness. I want to be quick and I want
to be sharp and I want to know what the
hell I'm doing so that I'm in complete control of
the situation. Right. So, I luckily, at the age tender
age of forty six, I've realized how to do stand up.
What are you planning on having as your first drink?
(07:16):
I think it's gonna be champagne. But one of the
other things that happened at some point during this experiment,
like there was a night where I woke up in
the morning and felt like I had a hangover. Like
if I had had a drink the night before, I
would have been like, wow, I got a hangover from
one drink. That happened to me too, did it. Yeah,
every morning that I was on the road, I woke
up and felt hung over, And I'm like, this is
(07:38):
very unfair, because god forbid I was drinking. How the
funk would I have felt? I wouldn't have been. And
the schedules when you're when you're on the road, like
you take four hour car drives. It's a fucking racket.
And you know, it takes a lot of energy to
be on stage for an hour and a half or
however long I do, usually like an hour, ten twenty minutes,
but it takes a lot. Then with alcohol just compounds
the situation. So I was like, Oh, if I feel
(08:01):
hungover without alcohol, what is alcohol going to add to
the mix. So that's very frustrating, but I felt that
way too. Yeah, but I think it's going to be champagne.
Champagne is the thing, Okay, Yeah, well I can't enjoy that.
I also don't want to minimize that people do have
real struggles with alcohol. Clearly we're joking about it, but
I know a lot of our listeners have a lot
of issues with substances, and so please don't you know,
(08:25):
I don't want you to feel disrespected or not heard.
I think having it be this easy to take a
break is a reason to take a break from alcohol.
If it is difficult to take a break, then you
probably have something to talk about, you know, And you
should take a break if it feels like you can't.
But I know that people sometimes have to take a
(08:45):
break and sometimes they have to stop. So you and
I are clearly just taking a break. And yeah, and
that was, honestly one of the things that motivated me
to not quit in the middle is because I thought
to myself, well, if I can't do the default days,
then that means something to me, and maybe there is
an issue with that because I enjoyed drinking, but it
(09:06):
was kind of a nice refresher to see how I
function without it and kind of take the temperature on that. Yeah,
see how I functioned without it? Yeah, exactly because I
said to Joe, I got I have no social skills.
He goes, Honey, you can't say that if you don't drink,
you have no social skills. I'm like, no, I haven't
had social skills since the pandemic, and not drinking is
really making me realize it. But we all are lacking
(09:29):
in social skills right now. You know, we're all just
gonna be a little weird. There's a lot of gaps
and conversations where there were none before. Let's just put
it that way. Yes, absolutely, And by the way, you
know what, I've got so many d ms on Instagram
of people who were joining us in the in the
on the clans. They were like, you've inspired me to
take thirty days off. I got a girl that said
she took thirty days off. She's moving on to another
(09:50):
month because she feels so great. So to all of
the people that DM me who are listening to this.
I see your messages and I'm really excited that we're
able to kind of do this stuff together because it's
so helpful to do something like this and no other
people are doing it with you, you know, Yeah, have you?
Has your husband done it too? Um, he's sort of
done it. He drank a lot less, we'll put it
(10:12):
that way. You know. Our love runs deep, So yeah,
you're running and even deeper now because you guys have
been watching Sex, Love and Gool. Which brings us to
our next guests. And she's a very exciting guest. But
we have to take an ad break. Oh, we'll be
right back. Okay. Sounds good. Okay, So I'm going to
(10:33):
go ahead and introduce our guest for today, who is
a dear friend of mine. I love her so much.
She's an actress. She's an entrepreneur and CEO and founder
of Goop, Gwyneth Paltrow. Her show is Sex, Love and Goop.
It premiers Thursday, October one, which means you can catch
it today. It's a new six part series on Netflix,
(10:55):
and I am very excited to introduce my friend Gunnet. Hello.
Oh hello, call her go ahead, caller, caller, are you there?
It's meet Chelsea callor Esther. Are you there? Is that you?
We see you? Baby? I see you? Can you see me?
You look beautiful? Oh honey, not as beautiful as you? Hi? Hi, Hi, Hi?
(11:19):
Where are you? I just got to l A. We're
in a studio in l A. This is my co host, Katherine.
She's my producer on this podcast. She will be joining us.
Nice to meet you, Gwyneth. Let's get right into it. Okay, Yeah,
I would like to start with a you just came
out with a new vibrator that was very exciting for
(11:40):
everybody to find out about, because you've been at the
forefront of celebrities embracing their sex lives and discussing all
the kind of taboo subjects that everybody in our industry
seems to be very shy about. So as I was
reading this quote about you, it sounded a lot about
like a quote about out me. It says Gwyneth has
(12:01):
always pushed uncomfortable topics forward and been an advocate for
normalizing the conversation around female pleasure. And I thought, what
a great thing to be an advocate for female pleasure.
And I know from our own friendship forgive me when
I call her Esther listeners. I called Gwyneth Esther and
she calls me YELSEI because we have a history together
(12:23):
and those are our nicknames from a long time ago.
And I'm not really even sure why, but we've stuck
with it. I know, why, tell me? Why do you remember? Why? Yeah,
but I'll tell I'll tell you, Okay. It sounds like
an ex boyfriend that I'm not just supposed to mention anyway,
both it's a double penetration ex boyfriend. We're not supposed
(12:44):
to mention. But we have had very candid conversations about sex,
you and I have, and and I have to say,
you know, growing up and knowing of Gwyneth, and before
I knew her personally, I had an idea about you
and I had a not a judgment, I want to say,
but I just thought, wow, yeah, I know I didn't
(13:05):
eat you, but I just definitely thought you were very patrician.
That's the right word, right, patrician, which isn't to say
that you aren't. But when I did get to know you,
one of the things the most endearing qualities about you
is how open you are about sex, and how open
you are about everything really and I remember talking about
our sex lives, and we were we had a very
(13:28):
kind of candid conversation with a bunch of people around,
and I just thought, oh, this is this is more freeing.
And you were more free than I was at that point,
which I thought, Oh, how ironic. I'm known as this
person who's outspoken and says everything, and yet you were
so much more easily able to discuss kind of the
the taboos of things like you know, vibrators and different
(13:51):
kinds of sex, and what turns you on and what
turns you off, and and all of the things that
go into the melting pot of being so attracted to
somebody and building on out attraction through trust and through
kind of self exploration and everything that encompasses being a whole,
more full person. Would you say that you were always
that way? I think so, you know, I mean I
(14:12):
tend to be I guess a little more circumspect, but
you know, like in public, but when I'm with my girlfriends,
as you know, like I just I just want to
go there, like I want to know what is in
everybody's way, what are the friction points? Like what is
everybody up against? Can we peel off some layers of stuff,
(14:35):
Like I'm so fascinated by what makes us all tick
and the things that we're honest about and not honest about,
and what our blind spots are. And I think, like
the conversation around sex with your women friends, it's such
a fascinating one because it's like this microcosm of their
lives where like they think they're talking about sex, but
they're talking about everything right there, talking about all insecurities
(14:58):
or you know, patterns that come up, like it's all
right there. And so I just find it like a
really fascinating topic. And when do you think that you
came into your kind of sexual awareness, Like when do
you think what age were you when you really started
to understand yourself and your wants sexually, because obviously it's
a moving target for many of us. Exactly Well, I
(15:20):
think you said it perfectly, and I think it's still
a moving target, and I think forever it's an exploration.
And you know, recently, I've started to think, I don't
know if you feel this way, but I feel like
there's so much programming that happens implicitly from the time
we're young, especially our generation, about what good girls do
and don't do. And so therefore, if you have a
(15:44):
thought that's maybe outside the box, or if you want
to do something that's outside the box, I think you're
conditioned to think there's something wrong with you, or you know,
you're weird or whatever. And I think a couple of things.
I think, first of all, I've had sort of chapters
in my life where I've felt very close to myself
sexually and like accepting myself sexually, and then chapters of
(16:06):
my life where I've felt really far away from myself,
and I don't know. I think the idea that like,
I would just love it if we could all give
ourselves the space to be like, well, let you know,
let me just explore what this what what this thought is,
or what this feels like, as opposed to constantly putting
it in a context of like shame or it was
(16:27):
bad because I didn't get what I want, or like
just like what if we started to open up a
little bit and talk about it's really hard, Like have you,
you know, been with a partner and said, well, you're
a different case because you're very forthright. But I think
to say, like that doesn't feel good, or I would
really love it if you tried this, Like, it's just
really hard for women to say. I want to say that.
(16:49):
It's hard even for me to say. Everyone thinks that
I have like no idea. It is hard for me
to say. You know, I I've recently been talking about
blow jobs because that was something that I thought was degrading.
I really did. I grew. I went in high school.
I had a guy. The first time I tried to
give a blowjob, he put his hand on the back
of my head, and I thought, get that buck off
of me, like, you are never allowed to touch me again.
(17:12):
And so for so many years I was so kind
of traumatized by that one incident that I thought blow
jobs equated degradation, like that was demoralizing and and that
wasn't That wasn't a girl that respected herself. And now
that I'm in love with somebody, I want to give
blow jobs to him. I want to put his hand
on the back of my head. I'm like, yes, yes,
(17:34):
Like I've never felt more inclined to want to put
someone's penis in my mouth than I do with somebody
that I deeply, deeply love. And I get it now.
I just paused to say, is this this is the
same guy from summer. Yes, yes, Joe Coy is his name.
He's my game, he's my lover. So psyched because I
thought when we were having dinner in the summer, I
(17:55):
was like this, really, this really sounds promising, like you
were talking about it's on baby. Never heard you talk
about a dude, So this is great. It's on baby,
and you're going to meet him at some point and
he cannot and he has given me because I because
there is a deep love and a deep respect. There
is an intimacy there that I have never experienced before.
So when you talk about saying to somebody, hey, when
(18:17):
they're rubbing the side of your labia instead of your
clatorus and we just sit there and pretend that that's
acceptable and fake and orgasm, I've come to a point
in my life where I'm like, no, honey, move your
hand over here. This is where this is and that
level of intimacy where you can say to somebody, hey,
this is what I like, this is what I want
to try. Let's try. This is something that that is
(18:39):
the definition of intimacy. I agree with you completely, and
I just want to acknowledge that it is really a
vulnerable conversation in a hard conversation for I think especially
women to have and especially younger women especially. You know,
it's like you look around in this generation and the
messages they're being told about sex, and it's like they
have to be fuckable, and you know, it's like I
(19:01):
worry so much about the messages they're getting about who
they're supposed to be sexually. So that's kind of like
why I wanted to do the show so badly, because
I thought it would be so nice to have some
counter programming to all of that, you know, and to
show what happens in an intimate relationship when there are
when there are problems, when problems arise, and and the
(19:22):
level of communication that's needed and bravery, you know, to
counteract some of that. I just get very disturbed by
by what I see and in the popular culture in
terms of what what a girl is supposed to look
like and therefore be like do you know what I mean? Yeah? Absolutely?
And I think the new show you have coming out,
which is on Netflix, I think it streams today, correct, Yes,
(19:43):
it drops today, comes out. It drips it drip drops today.
It's called sex Love and Goop. And this is an
exploration of five couples that are seeking ways to be
more intimate and have a stronger kind of sexual relationship,
stronger intimacy, and a stronger understanding really of of what
(20:06):
it means to be there for your partner and what
it means to ask for what you want, which is
what we're all about, because I think this applies to
everything in a woman's life. Asking for what we want
is sometimes the last thing we're able to do. And
so if you can apply this, I think it always
starts at home. If you can apply it to your relationship,
you're able to apply it to the world, You're able
(20:26):
to apply it to your career, and so on and
so on. And Catherine, you were telling me that you
guys were watching it with your husband. I watched it
with my husband, and one thing I found so amazing
was literally ten minutes in, like ten minutes in we
were pausing a show. We were like talking about things
that we we've never talked about, and not just about sex,
(20:47):
but about relationships. And and I mean I learned I've
been with him for sixteen years, and I learned stuff
about him I never knew. So it was this wonderful
experience to watch together and discover new things about each
other other. It was really cool. I'm so happy about that. Yeah,
do you want? Would you and Brad watch it together
and discover new things about yourselves? Gwyneth, we haven't watched
(21:10):
it together. He hasn't seen it yet. You know. It's
like when you're editing a show and you're just in
the computer with headphones on. But I'm looking forward to
watching it with him. I want to say, like, your
relationship with each other has been so inspiring to watch,
because the two of you really had a really beautiful
friendship that developed into a love ship and developed into
(21:32):
a marriage. And for a long time, you guys didn't
even live together. I'm still not even convinced you really
do now because we do. But what do you think
that added to your relationship by remaining independent but together. Well,
it's interesting because the reason that we we got we
were together for a long time and we never we
(21:53):
didn't live together, and then we got married and we
decided let's just wait another year before we move in.
And the consciousness behind that was really like, let's just
let the kids kind of settle into this energetic body
of like a marriage and a family, and and I
think for that year it was funny because in the
years before it was nice to have that time. It's like, oh,
(22:16):
tonight is like my night with Brad. I'm so excited,
and now tonight he's with his kids, and oh my god.
Fun I get to have a girl's dinner or I
get to like drink wine in the bath and then
dance around like a lunatic like and I was like,
this is great, this is so fun because we get
the best of both worlds. And then interestingly, if once
we got married, I really really missed him and and
(22:38):
it was like it felt like, gosh, I really wish
we lived. It felt like we should be living under
the same roof. And so by the time he moved in,
it was really I had a lot of longing and
I was so excited about it. Oh that's so sweet,
and he's so sweet too. Yeah, yeah, I think that's
And also dating is so much sexier, Like the longer
(22:58):
you could prolong that experience with somebody, I think the
sexterior relationship becomes you know. I I love to think
of the idea. When people ask me if I'm gonna
get married, I'm like, I would just like to be
engaged for a really long time because I want to
be with my boyfriend, not necessarily my husband. But that's
those are my issues about what, you know, the construct
of marriage and all that bullshit, which is irrelevant for this.
(23:19):
But I will say, like if you kind of take
the modern version of marriage out of it, or like
the patriarchical version of marriage, and it's like and you
kind of go back to some other thing of like
a real commitment to someone, like something cool does happen.
You'll see it's like this. It is like this entity
that you guys create. It's this very cool thing. I mean,
(23:42):
you know what I'm talking about. Because you've been married
for sixteen years, right, Yeah, I think there is an
energetic shift you don't expect with that. Like we got
married very young, and years later when our friends started
getting married, they were like, nothing's going to change. We've
been living together. It's just a piece of paper. And
every time there was a shift, and it was either
(24:03):
for the better or for the worst, like some people
thought about things that they had never fought about or
just had different expectations of each other. But there is
some shift that happens. Yeah, because you're teaming up and
it's a partnership, you know, and a lot of people,
I think also think that marriage is going to solve
you know. Conversely, I think many people think marriage is
(24:23):
going to solve a lot of the issues that they
may have. So that's why this show is so well.
It's always been timely, but timelier now I think because
people are open more open to having these kind of deeper,
intimate conversations about what they're feeling. I forget the couple's name,
but the woman who talks about unclenching in one of
the episodes, and I was like, oh my god, unclenching.
I'm like, do I do that? And I think I might,
(24:46):
And how she said, I realize I've been clenched for
so long and just had this incredible emotional experience through
that she she and her partner, and there was Erica
and Damon, I believe, and I mean they both had
these basically like touching the face of God experiences. I
feel like the energetic orgasm that Damon had, and and
(25:07):
her experience with unclenching and letting herself be freer, and
and the body shame that went with some of the
assumptions that she made about her body because of what
partners had said in the past. And I mean, yeah,
that's something that I think all women can relate to.
You know, I had a boyfriend who told me my
boobs were too big, and then I went on a
topless rampage for six years after we broke up to
prove to myself that my boobs were just perfect and
(25:29):
they were for me. But he had given me a
complex about it for so long at that I was like,
by the time I got away from him, on like freedom,
You know, I should embrace these boobs. They're mine, They're natural,
they're big and bountiful, and I should love them. So yeah,
I think a lot of people shame us into thinking
about our bodies. I know, Gwyneth, you and I have
had this conversation about past boyfriends making comments about parts
(25:51):
of our bodies and carrying it with you for so long,
and what that does to our self esteem and self worth. Absolutely,
and if you take that, which is I think the
most painful, because you know, you're at your most vulnerable
when you're in an intimate relationship with somebody, and if
they take that opportunity to hurt you even if they're joking,
(26:14):
it cuts so deep in that context. And yeah, it's funny,
Like I've had stuff that stayed with me for a
really long time, like you little comments here and there,
and that's what I loved. Someone there's one expert in
the show named Amina, and she does this exercise with
this woman where she disrobes and she kind of just
like looks at her body naked, and it's this exercise
(26:36):
and acceptance. I thought it was really powerful because I
was like, oh my god, you know the way that
we look at our bodies through this insane under a
microscopic lens of everything that's wrong, and I was like,
we have got to stop doing that. It's so I
think it hurts us in so many ways, you know.
I think it it affects how you can report yourself
(26:58):
in the world, how you relate to herself sexually. It's
like and then you know, you take something like that,
and then you take social media and how we're all
supposed to look and it's like, by the end of
the day, how can you feel good about yourself? Right?
I said this gun last week's podcast, but I was
talking about Joe my my lover, and I was saying
how I was. I was in my Orka and I
was looking at my arms like, go oh, honey, I
think I have like cellulate on my arm. Now what
(27:20):
is going on? And he said, honey, cellulate is the
sexiest thing in the world. That's what makes a woman
a woman. And I'm like, oh my god, I have
to write that fucking down. I mean, every woman needs
to hear that. That is what makes a woman a woman.
On that note, yeah, thank you. On that note, Let's
take some callers Gwyne's So what people are gonna call
(27:41):
in ask us some questions. We're going to give our
best advice to them and help them. This is the best.
It's such a fun podcast. I love it well. Our
first question comes from mel in Vancouver. She's thirty four.
She says, Dear Chelsea, I've been dating a tall, dark
and handsome attawel I in Man for almost two years.
(28:01):
He's forty nine and I'm thirty four. Everything about him
is great except one giant problem. I feel like he's
the child I never wanted. He doesn't do anything for himself.
If I wasn't in his life, he would never do
laundry or cook a meal and because of this, our
sex life is non existent. In the beginning, it was okay,
and now nothing. He's financially stable, has two great kids,
(28:22):
and wants all the same things I want out of life.
But if he can't start taking care of me in
the ways I need sexually and emotionally, I think I
need to leave. I would say I would agree with that.
You're not his housekeeper. I mean that isn't fun or hot,
so so I mean you that's going to take care
of itself anyway, because as long as somebody's not turning
(28:43):
you on or looking after you in a way that
makes you feel cared for, you're gonna lose your boner
for that relationship, right. And I felt like this question
was so similar to Rama and felicitas who are in
sex love and Goup, where he was blindsided when she
all of a sudden was like, you know what, I
think I want a divorce and he didn't know anything
was wrong, but they had this dynamic where he was
(29:05):
childlike and she would sort of condescend to him, but
he needed so much from her. It was just very uneven. Yeah, yeah, no,
reciproc I would say, she's not she's not married. And
they don't have kids. It's like the old adage when
someone shows you who they are, believe them. It's like
he's not going to all of a sudden one day
(29:26):
start taking care of himself and her And right, I mean,
I don't. I think it's unless I don't know if
they've exhausted all possibilities and if they've had therapy and
stuff like that. But that sounds like he needs to
to resolve some things, needs to resolve some things. And yeah,
obviously you want to explore the idea of talking to
a professional who can help him understand that that's not
(29:49):
a contributing factor to a great sex life or to
a long term relationship because you're playing a motherly role
and while that's fine in moments, it's not fine as
your entire a relationship. That's not your role. If you
haven't gone to therapy, please try that first so that
he can become a little bit more self aware, because
maybe he just doesn't understand and the only relationships he's
(30:10):
been in were with his mother and then possibly a
wife who did that for him. So you have to
make it clear that this situation is something that you're
not going to be on board with and then you know,
everyone is capable of change at a certain point in
their lives, and love will do that to you. It
will make you want to change. So I wouldn't say
(30:30):
that there's no hope for him. I would just say
make sure that you find out quickly whether there is
or not. Chelsea's more optimistic than I when it seems
down about that. Sorry, yeah, sorry, color anyway, good luck
and report back. Let us know what happens. Yes, yes, please.
Our next question comes from Rose. She is a pharmacist.
(30:51):
I'm a Pharmacist's funny. I'm actually a pharmacological into it,
so that's that's different. Now. She was potentially going to
come and call in and talk to us, but her
almost husband decided that he did not want her to
do that. I actually asked him to join as well,
because I thought this would be a really beneficial conversation
(31:11):
to have with the two of them. But here's her issue.
Dear Chelsea, my husband. They're getting married this week. Actually,
my husband has always played lots of video games, but
he's turning thirty this year, and I think it's time
he shifted his priorities. He's been in dead end jobs
for the last ten years and keep saying he'll go
back to school or learn new skills. I have a
doctorate degree in a stable job. However, when it comes
(31:33):
to taking action, he devotes almost eight to ten hours
a day to playing video games. I feel guilty making
him spend time with me, and even when we spend
time together, he's on his phone chatting or reading about
video games. How do I get him to focus on
our future? More? Rows Gwyneth, Why don't you take the
lead on this? I mean, I think that he's using
video games as as an excuse to avoid life and
(31:59):
looking it himself, and intimacy and and just about everything
Like this is a real red flag. I mean I
would somebody who is disengaging to this point and not
meeting their partner's needs to this point, and choosing not
to be in a partnership over a video game. I
I personally think like if they're about to get married,
(32:22):
I would crash in an emergency therapy session. Yeah. I
would also like to say that not only is that
this is several red flags. Eight to nine hours a
day playing video games, It's an unacceptable way to spend
your and where does he work? Like I don't understand
who has time to play eight to nine hours of
video games. I spoke with him. He's kind of like
(32:42):
a like a gig worker type of thing. Okay, well
that's great, but he has to develop some other interests
that involve his potential wife. And if they're getting married
this weekend, I mean, this is this is sad because no,
I don't think she should be getting married to somebody
this weekend who she feels guilty to ask to. She
feels guilty when she asked him to spend time with her.
Is heartbreaking. You should never feel that way about your partner,
(33:06):
and certainly not over video games. But there's an addiction here, right,
This is not just like I'm playing video games he is.
There's an addiction issue for sure, and people use addictive
behavior as a way to enops the ties bad or
sad or hard feelings. Like he needs to go and
look at what he's trying to avoid feeling. Yeah, and
(33:29):
he's probably not going to be very open to that
conversation in his current state. So I mean, I would
hate to say something as dramatic as postponing the marriage,
but I mean, in my my instinct tells me that
that's exactly what you should do, because it sounds like
you're going to be making a grave mistake without holding
his feet to the fire before you marry him, and
allowing this behavior and moving into a marriage while he's
(33:52):
doing this is sanctioning that behavior and letting him think
that that's okay. So what is her name? Rose? Was?
I really I'm sorry that you're dealing with this and
going through this, but I just want to tell you
it's not acceptable as a woman to another woman. This
is not acceptable and you deserve a lot more. And
when you hold hired standards, somebody will meet you there.
(34:14):
My parents always said that quality time comes with a
quantity of time, So you don't get that quality time
just by like picking a time for quality time. It
happens when you have a longer period of time with
someone and you get those special moments. And this just
leaves me thinking, how do they have any level of
intimacy when there's really no time in his life for her? Like,
(34:36):
how do you keep an intimate relationship with that emotionally
or sexually at all. Yeah, it's funny that you say that,
because I was I was talking to my friend about
you know, ex husbands and divorced dads, and how they
come in hot, you know, on the weekend, and they
want to make that time count, and it's like, you
can't just do that. It doesn't work that way. You
can't pop in and out like a pop up. It
(34:57):
has to be prolonged periods of time lead to those
special special exactly what you said, and you said it beautifully,
so I'll try not to butcher it any further. Fuck Well,
our next question, we do have a caller. This is Teresa.
Teresa says, Dear Chelsea, I'm twenty six and in my
first real relationship. My boyfriend treats me right. He's so kind,
(35:20):
funny and thoughtful, respectful and smart. I could really see
him being the one. The only issue is, for the
past three months, nearly every time we try to have sex,
he goes soft right before we can actually have sex.
I will say, he's extremely talented in other arenas, so
much so that it hasn't really bothered me that we
haven't fully had sex, But he gets super worked up
(35:43):
and in his head about it, which just makes things worse.
He lost a ton of weight during quarantine, and his
body image issues are definitely contributing to the whole thing.
I just don't know how to help without embarrassing him
or making things worse. What do I do? Teresa? Hi, Teresa, Hi,
so nice to meet you. Thank you for having me.
Hi Teresa, Hi, great to meet you. Nice to meet
(36:06):
you too. This might be obvious, but has he tried
by agra or something like that? So he hasn't, And
I'm trying to figure out the best way to kind
of bring it up without it damaging his self esteem
more because I know it's a very like tricky topic,
especially for guys. So I'm trying to figure out kind
of like the best way to have that conversation, and
he would be open to it, I think. I mean,
(36:28):
if he's feeling terrible about not being able to it
feels to me like it's a pretty easy conversation to
have from that place, right, like, Hey, this is happening,
I can see how upset you are. Why don't we
give this a try? Like what's the worst it can happen? Yeah,
And I've mentioned that I'm open to it and like
open to whatever he wants to try. I think he
(36:49):
just needs like the push to do it. Even though
I've encouraged him to. So I don't know, does you
have any trauma in his past? Like, does he has?
He explored it all. This might be happening. He's mentioned
just kind of general self esteem issues. So I think
it's like since the first time when it didn't happen,
like he kept getting in his head about it and
(37:10):
then it just got worse and worse. Oh, he needs
to break the cycle. He needs to pop a viagra,
right right, guys, Yeah, you know this happens to so
many people, by the way, just so you know, and
just so he knows. And I know you're protecting his
ego and you want to be careful with him, but
you're a team, right, You're on his side, so it
doesn't have to be emasculating and it doesn't have to
(37:32):
take his manhood away to be like, Okay, listen, we
have a slight issue. Let's figure it out. Everything is workable.
You obviously love him, he loves you. And I once
got this shaky leg syndrome right where all of a sudden,
my legs started shaking when I was on stage and
that had never happened to me. And I make a
living by standing on stage and talking so that was
a real problem for me, and I started taking beta
(37:55):
blockers and they said, okay, take them for three weeks
and then you'll just change the neuropathway is the neural
pathways in your brain, and you remember not to send
that signal to your brain that you're nervous and that
your leg is shaking, and that's how it's presenting itself.
And once I cut that out, like, I've never had
that problem again. This sounds analogous to that. Obviously it's
a separate issue, but it sounds kind of in the
(38:16):
same ballpark. There's probably plentiful antidotes to this situation, whether
it's viagra, whether it's therapy, whether it's him, you know,
getting more comfortable with his body. I think the first
and foremost, you just have to remind him in this
conversation that there's nothing to be embarrassed about when it's
concerning the two of you. You are a team. You
love him, and you're gonna be with him, whether or
(38:37):
not he could ever have sex again exactly. Yeah, it
doesn't matter. If he's so great in other areas and
then it really doesn't matter. But he'll get past this
and he just has to be willing to kind of
face it, because before you can get past anything, you
have to face something. Yeah. I think he also doesn't
realize how common it is. I feel like guys that
probably don't talk about it, like the same white girls
(38:58):
talk about things, Yeah, because why would they. Why would
a guy be like, hey, I lost my direction to
last night. Can you believe like that's not something to
brag about? You know, they're not on the SmartLess podcast
with Will Arnett saying I got soft last night. No
one is bragging about that. So you have to be
sensitive to why men are, you know, are the way
they are, and they are so insecure about stuff. They
(39:19):
don't talk to each other about that stuff ever ever,
So I think it's just being more of a ballast
of support. It's always just showing people that you're there
for them when they're in their most insecure phases, which
is what he's going through with his weight loss. That
shifts you know, your bio rhythm, your biology, all of
that stuff is affected. So I wouldn't even think about
(39:41):
this as a serious issue, and I wouldn't treat it
as a serious issue. You know, it's just something you
guys are gonna deal with together and figure out a
way through. Yeah, I agree, and that's how I've kind
of been treating it too. I think for him, he
was worried about losing me over it, even though I've
assured him a million times that, like, he's amazing and
I love him and I wouldn't change anything else about him.
So I'm very happy. That's really sweet. And you know,
(40:06):
we all have our things that make us holly imperfect, right,
It's like we're all human beings, we all have problems,
we all have stuff, and it's like if he's an
amazing human being and this is the thing, and you
feel like you can get past it. And by the way,
as Chelsea said, there is totally hope. That's amazing that
you're able to prioritize who he is as a person
(40:28):
over everything else. And he's good at other things. So
I'm having a good time. Yeah, we got it, you
like when he goes down on you, we got it
loud ready, we got it, And we're happy for you.
And he's lucky to have you. Yes, well, thank you,
and Docoy is lucky to have you. I'm very happy
for you, Chelsea. Thanks Teresa, thank you so much. It's
(40:49):
so nice. Thank you, thank you. Oh she's so cute. Yeah.
This brings me back to like Darshana and Camille, who
were a nice lesbian cup ball on sex, Love and Goop.
And what I thought was so interesting is that one
of them had issues with penetration, which you know, is
(41:09):
so similar to this situation. But it came back to
that religious trauma that she had gone through, and the
relaxation exercises they did, the like hands on sexual therapy
that they did, really helped. But I mean it truly
for her was it was all in her head and
getting past that really opened up so many new avenues
(41:31):
for them. And I think that's an important salient point
to drive home for this series for Gwyneth, because it
is we all, especially as women, are so in our
heads about how, you know, think about hooking up with
somebody for the first time or getting to know somebody
and thinking about the way that you present your body
or the positions you put yourself into be more flattering,
(41:54):
or you know, looking a certain way, or you know,
we all look a little bit ugly at times when
we're having sex. We look a little silly, we look
a little ridiculous, and instead of is showing that it's
better to lean in and embrace it and understand that
we are human beings. That we are going to look
silly with our legs behind our ears, you know, you know,
(42:15):
but we are going to be in positions that are vulnerable,
that make us feel like, you know, oh my god,
where is he going to see my bellule? Fat? Is
he gonna see my cellulite? And as woman, the more
you embrace that, the more that you lean into it,
the more sexualized you become, and the more sexy sex becomes. Yep,
(42:39):
did you just climax? It sounded like I mean, it
really makes me think of again my relationship with my
husband because, to put it quickly, he and I have
very different taste in women, and it took me a
long time to realize that, you know, I'm a curvy girl.
He doesn't like me despite my body type. He actually
likes me because of my body type. And honestly, Instagram
(43:02):
really helped with that, following a lot of gorgeous women
who look a lot like me and being like, wait,
if she looks great in that bikini dress? Whatever. It
took a while, but I had to sort of recondition
my brain to finally realize, like, well, that's actually what
turns him on, that's what he's looking for in a partner.
And well, I know, Esther, you've said this to me before,
(43:23):
that Brad always likes you like eight pounds up. Because
Esther always thinks she's eight pounds up or seven, it's
seven or eight. She's always like, I'm eight pounds heavier
than i'd like to be. And I'm always three pounds
heavier than I like to be. And my guy Joe
is always like, I like put more weight on. He's like,
I like a little extra meat on you. And I
know Brad likes I'm Gwinnett too, He's like, I like that,
you know, bulk up. That seems to be a theme
(43:46):
here because my doesnt. So. I think what we think.
You know, we're always presenting ourselves almost for other women,
not for our men, because if if they had their druthers,
we would all be a little beefier. They want something
to hold onto, They like a little junk in our trunk,
wouldn't you agree, Esther? I think that's absolutely right. I
think that we as women look in the mirror like
(44:06):
we have I don't know how we arrived at this
ridiculous idea or number or whatever. But we're like, oh,
I like myself at X weight. And as you were saying,
like we need to, I think just expand you know,
instead of looking at at things through a punitive lens,
like I'm not where I want to be, I don't
look my best. It's like, what if we just like
(44:27):
relax a little bit and open the spectrum of like
what was beautiful for us? And because I do think
a lot of a lot of men, you know, like us.
However we come that day, you know what I mean.
They're far more accepting of us than we are of
our own bodies, I know. And and it's funny that
we hold you know, there is a new new movement
(44:48):
that's been happening for the last couple of years with
people like Ashley Graham who are so body positive and
who is a professional model who's showing all of the
flaws that we have on our body and showing the
b uty of cellulite, of pregnancy, of all of you know,
the gorgeousness that is involved in that. And I think
there's a new phase of body consciousness that people understand.
(45:10):
You know, every type is sexy, and it sounds it
can sound like a bunch of horseship, But it's like
when you really talk to people who are living in
their bodies, and I know you you are always living
in your body because you're always doing something to help yourself.
Are you still not? I saw got this summer and
she hadn't had a drink in like seven months, and
that may be sad. I just oh, by the way, Ester,
(45:31):
I just finished a thirty day alcohol cleans. Can you
dig it? She fs She's about to finish a three
hundred and sixty five day alcohol less Oh my god,
it's been Yeah, it's been a long year of no
barely any alcohol. I mean I've had a sip here
and there, but very well. But how is that affecting you?
Are you happy about that? Do you feel great? Or
(45:51):
do you feel you know me? I love a drink
and I love the ritual of it, and I love
to sit down and have one and chat. And I
love the taste of alcohol, like I'm I love whiskey
and wine and whatever vodka like I'll take it all.
But I think what happened was it was it was
(46:11):
just you know, having gotten COVID and having felt like Ship,
but like having had long COVID stuff for a while,
and I just wasn't I just didn't feel vibrant. I
didn't feel good, and I had really high inflammation levels.
And the doctor was like, look, you really need to
clean up your act, like you gotta at least for
three months, no alcohol, no grains, no sugar, you know,
(46:33):
nothing processed, everything like that, and so I kind of
begrudgingly did it, and then I just started to feel
so good. And I don't know, I'm not going to
do it forever. But I think has been about like
me trying to value my health and wellness a little
bit more, because especially during COVID, I was just like
(46:55):
eating whatever, drinking you know, seven nights a week. And
it's been really interesting and I like, I sleep so
much better with no alcohol. It's wild, like I have
this orr ring and it tracks like your heart rate
and how will you sleep? And it's like if I
have two SIPs of wine, like on Saturday night with
(47:17):
someone's birthday and I toasted and I had two SIPs
of wine and like I slept like ship. So I
don't know, we'll see, Yeah, I know, that's what I thought.
I was like, Oh, I'm gonna do thirty days of
no alcohol, and I was like, oh no, what if
I become one of those sober people because people always
go I did thirty days and I felt so good,
so I did it sixties. So I made sure a
day thirty. I'm like, get me an apriall spirits right stack,
because I don't want to be sober, but thank God
(47:38):
because you not drinking. It's like, I don't even know
what that means. Our last question comes from Sydney, and
this ties right into some of the things you have
going on at group right now, Gwyneth Dear Chelsea. I'm
twenty four years old and I haven't had sex in
three years. I'd be totally fine with that if I
knew how to masturbate, but I don't, nor have I
(47:59):
ever had an orgasm. My parents were open and encouraging
when it came to our sexuality, but for some reason,
I've never been able to overcome the mental hurdles. I
would try the casual hook up, but I'm terrible at dating,
and my last sexual encounter was a bit traumatic and
has taken me a lot of time to process. At
this point, the most stimulation I get is from that
cheesy show Sex Life. What do I do? Thank you? Sydney?
(48:23):
What do you think esther? First of all, I think
there's a lot of pressure around orgasm and dating, and Gio,
who is one of the experts on the show, kind
of talks about a spectrum of orgasms and a spectrum
of pleasure and that sometimes you know, we have this
in our mind. It's like this high stake situation and
are we going to be able to orgasm or not?
(48:44):
And I think if Sydney starts to just explore what
feels good to her, you know, it doesn't have to
be straight to the genitals. It's like, what is she like?
What feels good like? You know? She I think she
should try to understand her body. And he's totally accepting
of what feels right to her and what turns her on.
(49:05):
You know, think of the things that turn you on.
For a total beginner like that, would you recommend a
like a toy like a vibrator or just kind of
experimenting on her own. I think that a vibrator can't hurt,
because it's good to just explore what you know, what
your options are, and see what's out there. I mean,
vibrators are popular for a reason. You know, a lot
(49:25):
of women get a lot of pleasure from that. People
have very sensitive nipples, people have very sensitive backs of
their neck, people have, you know, sensitive areas. You kind
of have to find out what your zone is, you know,
where you feel like you're being turned on. What do
you see that turns you on? Is it a man,
is it a woman? Is it gay porn? Is it
straight porn? Like is it porn? Is it a love story? Like?
(49:47):
You just have to find out where, like you know,
your orogenous zones are a and what kind of makes
you get those feelings is a good place to start.
And she did mention that she had trauma in her past,
and that is obviously something that needs to be explored
and then extinguished for her to feel free enough sexually,
(50:08):
to relax enough to find out what does give her pleasure,
because there is a relaxing component that you need to have.
It's like when you hook up with somebody in the beginning.
I know for myself it was very hard to have
sex with people I didn't have relationships with and allow
and and and and come to orgasm like I wouldn't
(50:29):
feel comfortable enough. I could have sex with them, but
I wasn't going to relax enough and show them the way.
And this is what I like, and I want you
to do this to my boob or we know whatever.
Like I don't feel comfortable. I didn't feel comfortable enough
with somebody to do that. So you do have to
relax and have an understanding of your own body and
a comfort level. And if there is trauma that's unresolved,
(50:51):
then that is going to contribute to that kind of stall.
I agree with that. And after that, I think we
can all go finger blast ourselves. Yeah, I mean that's
the takeaway. Problem solved, as usual, problem solved. You've come
to the best. I'm happy to send Sydney. Let's do that. Please,
Let's send her. Let's make sure we record that. Let's
send her, send her exactly. That's perfect. Gwyneth to the
(51:15):
rescue as usual, Yes, usual, lament. I think we actually
should take a quick break. Oh, okay, we'll go to
some ads. So one thing we've been doing recently is
our guests are actually asking Chelsea for advice. So, Gwyneth,
is there anything that you'd like to ask Chelsea? Yes,
this is my favorite part of the show, so I
(51:36):
need you to take it very seriously. Esther, I would
love to ask, what are the practices that you put
in place to finally get over the hurdle of your
intimacy stuff and really accept Joe wholeheartedly and deeply into
your heart. Well, I spent a lot of time in therapy,
(51:57):
like two years, and then I did it full attle
because I didn't want to do it long term. I
wanted to do it and get to the root of
the matter, and of course I'll go back when issues arise,
but I didn't want it to be a long term thing.
And I remember somebody saying, you know, when you get healthy,
you attract a healthy and I always thought, okay, what
do I have to do to get healthy? And the
first thing was really digging deep into, you know, discovering
(52:20):
yourself and what your what your issues are, why you
behave the way you do, why I had so many
guardrails up and once you unpack that. If somebody had said, Okay,
in six years you're gonna meet the love of your life,
I would be like, Okay, just blow my brains out.
That's too long, you know. If somebody had set but
that's really how long it took, because it's the practice
of going to therapy. Then it's the practice of taking
(52:40):
what you learned in therapy and absorbing it and then
applying it to your life, which is a daily practice.
And I now I'm just a much healthier, emotionally healthier person.
I meditate every morning I used I meditate on my
grounding Matt every morning. I am a positive light instead
of I don't like if anyone is negative, or anyone
(53:03):
is bitching or gossiping. I no longer have any frequency
for that. I just immediately am turned off by that,
and I walk in the other direction, and my habits
have changed. And when you are light and love, then
it just bounces right back at you. And for me
to see his light and love, which was around me
for fifteen years in my face, I did not see it,
(53:23):
and it was sitting right in front of me, and
he wouldn't have it. And I go, I can't believe
we've wasted fifteen years. He goes, Honey, we didn't waste
fifteen years. He goes, this is the best it's ever
gonna be. The timing is perfect. I could have been
five more years, and I would have been happy to
have you then, like, so I just I mean, I
can't say it enough. Like when you do the work
to make yourself the best version of yourself, which is
(53:44):
an ongoing process as we all know, it attracts the best,
and then you're able to see with a clearer lens
all of the people, all of the things that you
were missing, like how green the trees are, you know,
and how beautiful it is to walk on the beach,
and all of the little things that I thought we're
corny to think about or mentioned are beautiful to me now,
(54:04):
you know. I look at the moon, I stare at it.
I'm like, that is magnificent, you know. I look at
the trees, I'm like, look at nature, Like everything is beautiful.
So yeah, I feel very healed. Not like I'm fully
cooked or done, but I feel like I'm in the
process of healing. And being in love is the most
healing thing I could have ever asked for. Oh my god,
(54:24):
I'm like, I'm crying. I'm so happy for you. Thanks honey,
Thanks Esther. I'm so happy for you too. You have
that kind of love too. We've been praying for this
for you for a long time. So I can't believe
how beautiful that was. You're so sweet to be crying,
Esther's crying everyone, and you're moving me. I love you.
(54:44):
I love you, honey. I love you so much. And
I'll be your neighbor in about a year once I'm
done renovating my house. I can't wait to get you
in the neighborhood. Exciting times, honey. Ladies, this was so wonderful.
Thank you for having me. I really appreciate it. And
every one can tune into sex love and Goop It's
dreams today Netflix, watch it, watch it. You're gonna have
(55:05):
four sex with your partners. Everybody is going to be healed.
Thank you, Oh my god, thank you so much. By Okay,
bye guys. Thanks Civilian, thank you, thank you. By
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