October 3, 2024 • 54 mins
Model and activist Hunter McGrady is in the studio today to talk about body neutrality, being trolled by the Trumps, and how the loss of her brother brought her family close. Then: A wife decides between her husband and a gun-free home. A 30-something struggles with body image after gaining some weight. And a daughter decides to break the cycle of abuse in her family.
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Check out Hunter’s podcast Model Citizen here!
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Need some advice from Chelsea? Email us at DearChelseaPodcast@gmail.com
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Executive Producer Catherine Law
Edited & Engineered by Brad Dickert
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The views and opinions expressed are solely those of the Podcast author, or individuals participating in the Podcast, and do not represent the opinions of iHeartMedia or its employees. This Podcast should not be used as medical advice, mental health advice, mental health counseling or therapy, or as imparting any health care recommendations at all. Individuals are advised to seek independent medical, counseling advice and/or therapy from a competent health care professional with respect to any medical condition, mental health issues, health inquiry or matter, including matters discussed on this Podcast. Guests and listeners should not rely on matters discussed in the Podcast and shall not act or shall refrain from acting based on information contained in the Podcast without first seeking independent medical advice.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hi, Catherine, Hi, Chelsea, how are you hi. I'm very
excited about our guest today because she's a Sports illustrated
cover model, entrepreneur and host of the Model Citizen podcast.
Please welcome Hunter McGrady. Hunter McGrady, welcome to the podcast.
Thank you. I'm so excited to be here. Oh you're
so cute. She Hunter arrived with her sister and her
mother in toe, which is my favorite thing.
Speaker 2 (00:21):
Yes, with me everywhere whenever I'm in La.
Speaker 1 (00:24):
Yeah, that's whenever I'm in the San Francisco area, my
sister and my sister's seen me perform probably like sixteen times.
So she can't be interested.
Speaker 2 (00:33):
You know what I mean.
Speaker 1 (00:35):
Even she doesn't even come backstage anymore. She stays in
the dressing room. I'm like, what's the fucking point of
being here? No, she loses the audience to see if
there are any single men. I'm like, there will never
be any single street men coming to see my show,
so stop looking there, no one, Harry, that would be
a tip off.
Speaker 3 (00:51):
Yeah, right, all right, straight out there.
Speaker 1 (00:55):
He's coming to meet women. Actually, it's a great guy
with It's a great place for women because my audience
is so female heavy.
Speaker 2 (01:03):
I love it.
Speaker 1 (01:03):
Hunter, how are you? I'm doing good.
Speaker 4 (01:06):
I'm actually on vacation and we're like. I was like,
of course I'm gonna do Chelsea. You kidding with Doug Charldia?
Speaker 2 (01:12):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (01:12):
Where were you? Where were you vacation? Oh you're on vacation.
This is you're I'm born and raised here. The eyebrows there,
they're real. They're real.
Speaker 4 (01:21):
But I'm wondering if it's eyebrow blindness which i'm seeing
on No, no, no, they're perfect, and I'm afraid I'm
going to look back and it's gonna.
Speaker 2 (01:27):
People are gonna be like that was my proud blindness.
Speaker 1 (01:29):
That means you can't see your own eyebrows.
Speaker 2 (01:30):
It means that you've done them so gnarly and so crazy.
Speaker 1 (01:33):
Is that what I look like? Because I'm using on
your product that it feels like there's semen in my
eyebrows because it's hard and gelatinized. It goes up. But
I like the look of it where it's kind of
fuzzy and it looks like hair.
Speaker 2 (01:46):
You know what I mean? I promise, Okay, thank you.
Speaker 1 (01:48):
You're well, you're a model, so you need to tell
me the truth because I'm not I'll tell you the truth.
Speaker 2 (01:52):
Here's the thing.
Speaker 4 (01:52):
I will be so honest that it sometimes hurts the feelings,
but I will be honest.
Speaker 1 (01:57):
Congratulations on your sports illustrated. Thanks ish you. And I
was interested in speaking to you because you talk so
much about body positivity, right, and I want to know
what you think about the term plus size model.
Speaker 4 (02:10):
So it's funny, I'm kind of like even with body positivity,
like now I'm just like body neutrality because we can't
always all be positive all the time about our body, right,
Like you can also be neutral about it, and that's
also so cool. And I think the word plus size.
When I first started out, because I was in this
such just toxic diet culture mindset, I was like, oh,
(02:32):
don't call me a plus size model. That's mortifying. And
now I'm like, I'm so proud of it. That's that's
what made me who I am. That's what gave me
all my success, you know, And now.
Speaker 2 (02:42):
I take it. I could take it or leave it
whatever anyone wants to say.
Speaker 1 (02:45):
That's interesting body positivity versus body neutrality, because it is true.
How are you supposed to be fucking positive about something
all the time? No one's positive about anything all the time.
Speaker 4 (02:54):
Right right, Well that's the thing also is I think
that like media has also taken it in really spun
it in such a negative way, where like so many
brands are saying.
Speaker 1 (03:04):
Like we're inclusive, we're positive.
Speaker 4 (03:07):
And then you really go in they don't none of
them make my size. You use the token plus sized girl,
and it's just gotten so muddied.
Speaker 1 (03:15):
But I don't understand why these brands don't make bigger sizes.
It's not like there are only small women.
Speaker 2 (03:20):
They're leaving money on the table.
Speaker 4 (03:22):
And now brands are even pulling back even more because
we are in this ozembic era, which fine, you I
cannot sit here and be like staunch pro choice and
then say but you can't do that to your body
or whatever I want, right like literally take do whatever
you want, take whatever you want, but know that you
could lose the weight and still not feel one hundred
percent confident. And it starts with your mind, right like
(03:44):
it starts with here. First I actually had I was
talking to my sister about this. I had a girlfriend
of mine and she's on ozembic and she was like,
I've lost fifteen pounds. I'm at the weight that I
told myself that I would feel confident in and I
just don't feel good. And I was like, well, yeah,
of course, because you bought into the lie that thin
equals confidence. That's just not the truth. Confidence is like
(04:07):
a journey, it comes from within.
Speaker 2 (04:08):
Right. I'm not a thin woman, but I'm a confident woman.
Speaker 1 (04:11):
And you would never take a zempic.
Speaker 2 (04:12):
No, I have not ever, you don't know, right, But
I'm not against it, right, I'm really not.
Speaker 1 (04:16):
Whatever everyone wants to do, it's not my boy.
Speaker 4 (04:20):
I can't say anything about your body. You do what
you want to do, you know, but I think that like,
you do what you want to do. But just know
that confidence is a mind thing and that's like that's work.
Speaker 1 (04:29):
Right, And therapy has helped you with a lot of
that confidency.
Speaker 4 (04:33):
Right. I'm such a proponent for therapy. I've been in
therapy since I was fifteen years old.
Speaker 1 (04:37):
Well, I mean it's so fucking obvious that if you
can go to therapy, you fucking should go. Like no
one goes ever. And it's like it ruined my life, right,
you know, unless you end up sucking your therapist, which
we advise against. Listen, Yeah, it's like had sex with
a therapist. There was a lot of hesitation there. Hunter.
I did have a.
Speaker 2 (04:57):
Hot therapist once. I rid therapist.
Speaker 1 (05:01):
I once went to couples therapy with a boyfriend and
I was attracted to the therapist right away, and I
was like, this is not a good idea. I've been
telling me right now, this is my type. He's older.
At the time, I only liked older men, and I
was like, I'm because I had daddy issues and I
wanted I was attracted to him, and I was like, Oh,
he's going to fix me. This is the exact dynamic
that I need to stay away from any sort of
mentor figure attracted to run for the hills one hundred person.
Speaker 4 (05:25):
And I always think about like therapy, Like when when
people tell me they're getting divorced and they're like, I'm
so sorry, but like no happy marriage and divorced. So
I'm like, for you, you're fucking you're doing the things.
Same with therapy.
Speaker 1 (05:36):
Yeah, you're not gonna never going to therapy and it
is going to be back. So you haven't been with
the same therapist since you were fifteen or no, I haven't.
Speaker 4 (05:42):
I've bounced around. I've gotten I like that too. I
have a grief therapist. I have, you know, my own
personal therapist. I'm very much a proponent for it. I
think even if you think you have no reason to go,
go and they'll find stuff to work pass.
Speaker 1 (05:59):
And I know that it's not affordable for everybody, which
is why we're constantly sponsored by Better Help on this podcast,
because anyone can access like affordable therapy and it's worthwhile.
And that's not an ad, that's just love. Yeah, of course,
So I know you lost your brother. Yeah, I also
have a brother that has passed away. How old were
you when that happened.
Speaker 4 (06:18):
Gosh, this was just three years ago. Oh, so it's yeah,
it's very new. We were actually talking about this because
my mom and I watched your special. I think it
was when was your most recent special?
Speaker 1 (06:27):
Now you're talking about Revolution on HBO Max where I
talk about my brother.
Speaker 2 (06:30):
Yeah, and it was so healing to me.
Speaker 1 (06:32):
Oh, thank you, I'm glad.
Speaker 4 (06:34):
Yeah it was because I'm sorry, but it is. It's
like it's something that is just going to change you forever,
you know. Yeah, And it's like sibling loss is very
nuanced and not talked about, so it was very healing.
Speaker 1 (06:49):
I'm glad to hear that. Yeah, it's almost like with siblings.
I think those sentence that I learned the most from
was celebrating someone's life instead of obviously you have to
grieve your brother. We all do, and I can't even
imagine what that's like for parents. But when you can
move into the celebration of their life and to allow
(07:09):
them to as a guiding light in your own life,
when you're making tough decisions and you think of the
person you lost that you love so much and infuse
your decision making with that loss and that love for
a person, I think that's when the grief starts to
move into a place that you're like, you know, we're
always going to be upset, there's always going to be
(07:30):
emotion tied to it, but it can be the most
useful and loving way to accept someone's departure is to
make sure they're with you every step of the way. Yeah.
Speaker 4 (07:42):
Well, and that's why I you know, I often like
bring up my brother when it comes to even my
like when people talk about weight or their body or
the weight, and I'm like, life is so fucking short.
That is so goddamn boring to talk about. If you're
always worrying about that, like you can be gone tomorrow.
Speaker 1 (07:59):
But I mean, even back to what you're saying, this
is not related to grief, but how much time I
wasted in my youth focusing on my body and the
way that I looked at the hours of like browbeating
that I did to myself. If only I were five
pounds later, I won't go out tonight because of how
much I weigh. I'm going to run six miles tomorrow,
(08:19):
and then I would weigh myself when I went running
before I went running, and then I'd sweat for an
hour and a half, come home, weigh myself. Then, I
mean this psychotic behavior around our body images like I
can't wait for a generation of women to wake up
and not have to deal with that me too.
Speaker 3 (08:36):
It's happening now because Hunter, I know you. When you
first started modeling, you were like rail thin and were
told like it's still not enough, you gotta lose what
was three inches on your head And.
Speaker 4 (08:46):
I was one hundred and fourteen pounds and I'm six
feet tall, right like it was. It was crazy, And
I grew up. My dad's an actor, my mom was
a model, and I grew up in this industry. I
grew up in LA and it was like that was
just the norm, right, And so I thought, well, okay,
I'm just gonna have to be the smallest version of
me if I want anything to do with this dream
(09:08):
of mine. And finally there was a breaking point where
I showed up to a job and I was so thin.
I wasn't I was in a very massive calorie deficit,
working out hours a day, miserable, had severe depression, anxiety.
I showed up and they everyone was kind of looking
at me, and they came over to my mom and
(09:28):
I and they said, we're so sorry. We don't think
you're going to fit in any of the clothes. We
didn't realize how big you were. I was fifty, I
was even a full grown woman. I was fifteen years old.
I haven't even like fully developed yet. But I was
smart enough to know in that moment, A, I need
to get help because I'm severely depressed. Be fuck this,
because if this is what it takes for me to
(09:49):
live out this dream of being a model, like I'm out.
So I took five years off and I did moment
self help work, and that's when I kind of fell
into the plus size modeling and then once I got
Sports Illustrated. I've been with them for seven years, since
I was twenty two, and it was just a massive,
like pendulum swing for me.
Speaker 1 (10:09):
Yeah, it isn't it interesting that women are always told
to become smaller and men are always trying to become bigger.
Speaker 2 (10:15):
Do you want to know something so funny?
Speaker 4 (10:17):
The other day an article popped up and it was
like Ryan Reynolds and Hugh Jackman are promoting an unrealistic
body ideal because they're so jacked. I'm like, you can't win.
You literally can't win. No, I can't win. I have
Donald Trump JUNI you're talking about my body. I have
Fox News talking about my body being too big. Then
(10:37):
you have Hugh Jackman being too too I'm like, you
literally can't win.
Speaker 1 (10:41):
I like how political you are. Tell me about your
like history, Like when did you get involved in politics?
When did you start really caring? Or have you always I've.
Speaker 4 (10:51):
Always cared because my sister and my mom are very
very political. They're like strong, powerful women, and my sister
is very vocal about it.
Speaker 2 (11:01):
And for the longest time, I.
Speaker 4 (11:03):
Was like, ah, I have to kind of be in
the background because it's not good for the image to
pick it. And my sister was like, if you don't
stand for anything, like you stand for fucking nothing. So
pick a side, sister, and like let's do our research.
And so, you know, in the last few years, I
think in the last election, when Trump came in, I
got just really riled up and I was like, I'm done,
(11:26):
and especially this election, all of a sudden, Fox News
started posting me. Donald Trump Junior posted me saying, you know,
go wo go broke Sports Illustrated. You want to have
someone who's you know, big on your in your magazine.
Little did he know that I was going to get
the cover a month later. So like that's that, yeah,
Because there's too much on the line. There's too much
on the fucking line. And I'm a woman in this
(11:49):
world where my rights are on the line, and I
have people in my life where their lives are on
the line. Where and you have children, I have fucking
children where their lives are on the line, And like
I send my son to school name worried every day,
like it's too much at stake. I have a platform
and I'm going to use it, and I think that
(12:09):
we all have that responsibility honestly, like we should be
using our platforms. You use yours so brilliantly because a
lot of people are afraid to.
Speaker 1 (12:18):
They are afraid to, And I also think that is
a learning curve as well. I remember when you're talking
about Donald Trump becoming elected. Listen, I was with you
their sister. I almost had a fucking nervous breakdown. I
may have had one, I'm not sure, but at the
time I was so angry, angry, angry, angry, and like
and it became so divisive, divisive, divisive, And then you realize, oh, like,
there's been an evolution in my messaging because I want
(12:40):
to be happy and positive. I don't want to be
hateful and vitriolic. I want actually to spread the good vibes.
And I've realized to not be hand in hand with
the candidate all the time, to actually be speaking from
my own platforms where it's not like you can confuse
or obfuscate what I'm doing with being paid to be
promoting a candidate or this candidate. Ye, no one's fucking
(13:00):
I'm not for sale, so no one's paying me to
do fucking anything, right, I was.
Speaker 4 (13:05):
Just invited by the Harris team to her rally in Pennsylvania,
and I got so many messages from people being like, oh,
this is paid, this is so classic, It's paid, And
I'm like, no, listen, I don't agree with all the
policies that Kamala Harris has. I don't and I definitely
don't believe with any of Trump's. But like I'm here
to say, like you're saying, I'm voting at what I
(13:27):
align with, and I agree. There is so much divisiveness
and that's why we are having the issue that we're having.
I believe there's three parties. There's the Republican, the Democrat,
and the Trump supporters, and they don't care if I'm mad.
So why am I going to sit here and be mad.
I have two children to have to worry about. You know,
I'm gonna be positive. I'm going to use my voice
for good and speak out about that and try to
(13:50):
make a change where I can, but not let it
affect me so much where I'm go down with them.
Speaker 1 (13:56):
Yeah, Like I feel like the Trump administrations almost stole
for years of my life, Like you're not getting me againymore?
Speaker 2 (14:03):
You got me once.
Speaker 1 (14:05):
An abusive relationship is right it.
Speaker 4 (14:08):
Is, And that's literally how I feel, like so many
people feel. I feel the same way I was. So
me and my sister were like out there on the
lines with signs, and you know, after a while you're like, okay,
you know what, I'm going to change my messaging and
spin it and be positive and say like, okay, we
have this here, this like future can look right.
Speaker 1 (14:26):
And I think that's it. Circling back to talking about
your brother's death, It's almost like it's analogous in a way.
It's about taking something devastating and turning it into something inspiring, right,
and actually making positives out of fucking mince meat, you
know what I mean. Change happen, and I think that's
(14:48):
such a powerful tool to be able to do. Like
I'm sure even in the three years since you've lost
your brother, you've seen the dynamic between your remaining family
and how that's shifted.
Speaker 4 (14:57):
Right, Oh, the moment it happened, we all got together
and my mom and my dad said, listen to me,
right now, this can either make us or break us.
Speaker 2 (15:05):
It's not gonna break us, so we're all gonna come together.
Speaker 4 (15:07):
I'm literally my parents are divorced and we spent We've
spent every single day on this vacation all together with
their grandkids in the house. My dad's remarried, Like, we're
going to the beach together, and of course along the
way we're like, oh, I wish my brother was here.
I wish China could be heari to see it. But
like we have gotten so close. We spend Christmases all
together like we have. Just I would have never thought
(15:31):
my dad and my mom would even be in the
same room with each other at one point, and now
we're spending Christmases together.
Speaker 3 (15:36):
Well, and again it comes back to this, like, what
are we really gonna worry about here? We're gonna worry
about the small stuff? They like, I'm annoid with you
because of this. No, when you go through something that
devastating and huge, you realize, like, how that stuff's just Manusha.
Speaker 2 (15:49):
It's so minutia.
Speaker 1 (15:50):
Ye, well, for it should be. It should be. But
it reminds me of a story that I need to
share because, and it's not funny at all. My cousins
lost their brother and I was there in the room
in the hospital after he had passed away. We were
all sitting there and my aunt and uncle had separated,
we're not on speaking terms, and then we're all gathered around.
(16:12):
You know, it's a horrible day, one of the most
horrible days in everyone's life, if not the most. And
I remember my uncle putting his hand on my aunt's
leg and was like, you know, we need to come together,
and she's like, get the fuck off of me. This
is not your opening. Our son is dead, and I
still don't fucking want anything to do with you. Get out. Yeah, no,
(16:33):
every example, that's what I mean, right, Yeah, But I
mean if the spirit of it should be what you're describing,
but I think my uncle was actually trying to get
back together in the hospital room, so that was also,
know tonally way off, but that's exactly what you're describing.
Sounds like did it make your family come together? You know,
when your brother dies, you feel like you're the only
(16:55):
person Like that is such a rare thing. And then
as I've talked about it, as I've written and about it,
so many people have come to me and you're like, God,
it's not something that's so common, but it's more common
than you think. Yeah, and so many people have lost brothers.
So I think experiencing my cousins losing their brother. I
remember just all I knew was how to help the situation. Yeah,
(17:16):
like I've been through this. I'm going to take care
of whatever you guys can't deal with in this moment.
I'll take care of the funeral, I'll take care of
this arrangement. I'll take care of get buying a casket,
I'll take care of all this stuff. No one has
the capability to deal with something when someone is pulled
out of your life unexpectedly. Yeah, no one has any
idea what to do. So somebody has to step up
and do that. Yeah, so I was I think it
was useful for me to have gone through that because
(17:38):
I was at an age when my brother died. I
wasn't in charge of anything.
Speaker 4 (17:41):
I was nine years old, right, But you kind of
you kind of like immediately get equipped with this armor
to deal with life in a different way. And I
mean at nine, you're you're that's like such an impressionable age.
And I'm sure a lot of people were like, she's nice,
She's gonna get over threat. But it's like, no, this
has now I've created this armor for the rest of
(18:02):
my life of like, how I'm going to move through
life like I moved through life differently than I did
three years ago. I can handle things now that I
would have never that would have broken me.
Speaker 1 (18:12):
You were pregnant with your first child right when you
passed them, So what.
Speaker 3 (18:15):
Was the experience going through this extreme grief and then
suddenly having this huge amount of joy in your life.
Speaker 4 (18:21):
Yeah? That was very weird because you know, I called
my doctor and I was like, I'm flying home and
she was like, you're giving birth in like six weeks.
You can't And I was like, I don't care, I'll
give birth on this plane. When I got back, you know,
I gave birth pretty much. Gosh, yeah, five weeks after.
It was very weird. Yeah, it was very weird, but
(18:45):
it taught me I didn't mean to christ I'm fine with.
Speaker 1 (18:51):
Anything. If anyone listeners are going anything, we are not
apologizing now, that's true.
Speaker 4 (18:57):
That's true, and I'm it's always a on any platform.
I think it made me realize that extreme sadness can
only be known with extreme joy, right and vice versa.
Like I I it was the weirdest time because I
was like, how can I be the most devastating Honestly,
(19:20):
before I had my son. I was like, I don't
think anything will be able to make me happy again,
you know. But then he came out and oh my god,
I would never want to put this on him, but
like he saved a lot of us, and I never
want to put that pressure on him.
Speaker 2 (19:33):
And I'm not you know, I never am.
Speaker 1 (19:35):
Like you're you're the one who saved us. But he
brought so much healing and he's so much like my brother. Yeah,
and I think those things happen, you know. It's kind
of like these rainbows in life when you lose someone
you love and then a new there's someone always has
a baby, right, No, it's so weird the way that
works in a family. Like you can lose your father
(19:55):
and then you have a baby. You lose your brother
and you have a baby, and it's like there's a
transfer of life and there's like you think about reincarnation
and you're like is that a possibility? Oh my god,
what is this?
Speaker 4 (20:04):
I swear because like I look like my son has
my brother's exact feet, like he has his exact humor.
I'm like, bye bye you in there, Like it's so wild,
it's so wild, and it does bring that like sense
of joy and.
Speaker 1 (20:19):
Relief, but it was really weird to also like not greed.
Speaker 4 (20:24):
I think I was definitely a different mom to my
son than I am to my daughter because I was
in such heavy grief. It affected my supply. You know,
my supply dried up like pretty almost immediately, Like I
couldn't breastfeed him.
Speaker 2 (20:38):
It's all that like up and down.
Speaker 4 (20:40):
Whereas my daughter, I'm like, oh, it was easy peasy,
you know, comparing the two of them.
Speaker 1 (20:46):
Yeah, And I think Gabor Mate, this psychiatrist from Canada
or psychologist, I'm not sure what he is. We've had
him on the podcast before, so I guess I wasn't
paying attention. But he always talked about that that you're
not the same parent regardless to your children. Every child,
you're a different parent too, based on what their needs are,
(21:07):
their sex, their personality. Yeah. My sister was so so
freaked out by her daughter when she found her out
her daughter was having sex. Meanwhile, her son is the
same age, and she's like, I'm like, is he having sex?
You know now he's the same age And she's like, oh,
I don't know. Maybe I'm like interesting reaction that you
were fucking losing your shit yeah, three or four years ago,
(21:29):
and now you have no reaction to your son. I'm like,
do you realize how sexist that is?
Speaker 4 (21:32):
It's insane. It's really insane. I'm the opposite with my daughter.
Like literally, when we came out for vacation a couple
years ago, his first time, mom and like, we have
three hours until Hudson needs to get home for a nap.
Speaker 2 (21:42):
This time, I'm like, if they fucking nap, they nap.
Speaker 4 (21:44):
If they eat, the eat, like, I don't care, And
it's so much more relaxed, Like I think the second.
Speaker 1 (21:48):
Time, you're just like, well, yeah, imagine the third, fourth, fifth,
and sixth.
Speaker 2 (21:51):
Childs raising themselves.
Speaker 1 (21:53):
She come from six. Yes, I'm the youngest of six,
so I was basically reacting like I had a job
when I was like three months old. I was like,
holy shit, I really got to pitch in around here, right,
I mean, talk about neglect. But yeah, my sister always
well I always tell the story of my sister. I'm
sure they are very appreciative of me sharing their personal
lives with the world, but you know, again, I don't
(22:14):
care because they're my stories too. My sister when she
had her third like you know, how they always stick
up like something up their nose. Children, like at some age,
like in school, they stick an eraser in their asshole vagina,
our nose, and my my sister's first kid did it,
and then her last kid did it, and her last
kid did it. She has three was in like, you know,
(22:35):
nursery school and they're like, oh, you know, Seneca has
an eraser stuck in her nose, and Simone was like,
we'll just wait until Monday. You know, it's late on
a Friday, late day, Friday afternoon, like before you're fucking
at the emergency room thinking that they're forging going to
have like, you know, brain damage from a fucking eraser
whatever the hell they stuck up their nose, yes, and
then cut to the third and you're like, whatever, you know, we'll.
Speaker 2 (22:56):
Give it a solid week and then we'll check back in.
Speaker 1 (22:59):
My sister has like a lead pencil in her leg,
one of my sisters, because she like got stabbed with
a pencil and my parents never even she was number
five and they never took her to the hospital so
she could still see the fucking pencil in her leg.
Speaker 4 (23:11):
Isn't that I think I also have that I.
Speaker 1 (23:16):
Cannot be good, all right, Well on stabbing yourself with
pencils and putting erasers in your vagina. But even though
Seneca didn't do that, I just want to say she
put it in her nose. We'll take a break and
we'll be right back with Hunter and McGrady. And we're
back with Hunter McGrady. We are back. Look at how
(23:38):
fucking handsome Doug is standing there like a lion. He
looks like the Lion King. Can you see him? He's
so sweet looking. He's a good dog. He literally came
up and I was like, oh my god, he's just
so like and he's got so much meat, so comforting
to just snuggle with him.
Speaker 3 (23:59):
Okay, Well, our first caller is Abby, and she says,
Dear Chelsea, I'm struggling with my body image. I'm a
thirty four year old woman of color, child free, recently married,
and I have a job I enjoy. For the first time,
I've gained some extra weight, and I'm having a hard
time with everything that comes along with that. I was
an athlete in high school and kept reasonably active in
(24:21):
university and in my twenties.
Speaker 1 (24:23):
My dog died at the.
Speaker 3 (24:24):
Beginning of the year, and I guess I didn't realize
how active he kept me or how hard I took
this very sudden loss. He was my first pet and
really taught me so much. I'm now trying to do
very long walks three to four days a week. I've
been at it all summer, and this week I'm incorporating weights.
I try to make it fun and do active things
with my husband and friends. The problem is I cannot
stop hating what I'm seeing. I also understand that the
(24:46):
weight I've gained is a lot for me, but I
know I'm catastrophizing and I can't stop comparing my body
to other bodies. I see big, small, whatever I'm looking
and I'm thinking, do I look like this person?
Speaker 1 (24:58):
Why don't I look like that person?
Speaker 3 (25:00):
Every time I get dressed for work and something doesn't
fit like it once did, I have a complete meltdown.
My quote baggy jeans have now become the only ones
that fit, and I have to dress nicely for work,
so I enjoy being stylish and put together. I'm noticing
these urges to do unhealthy things in an effort to
lose weight, and it seems easier to try and starve
myself or restrict my eating. This is all taking a
(25:22):
toll on my relationship with my husband. While he has
no issues with my body and is completely supportive of me,
it's the meltdowns and the negative self talk that are
causing conflict for us. How do I stop hating my
body so much? Abby?
Speaker 1 (25:35):
Hi? Abby?
Speaker 4 (25:35):
Hi?
Speaker 1 (25:36):
Abby? Hello? Hi, this is Hunter, our special guest today. Hi.
Speaker 2 (25:42):
You're gorgeous. Oh my goodness, thank you, Thank you.
Speaker 1 (25:46):
Hunter. Do you want to start?
Speaker 4 (25:48):
You know.
Speaker 2 (25:50):
You're not alone. We all are feeling this.
Speaker 4 (25:52):
I think, you know, like I was talking to Chelsea earlier,
how I'm all about body neutrality, right, I think getting
to that place in your body of knowing instead of
seeing your body for the way that it looks. Right.
We're in the age of social media where we see
so many different types of bodies all day long. We
are comparing, you know, our bodies to that we also
(26:15):
have to realize that like phase two exists. I always say, like,
not even the models of the magazines look like the
models of the magazines.
Speaker 2 (26:22):
Trust me, I'm one of them.
Speaker 4 (26:24):
But you know, and also just comparing yourself is just
going to steal so much of your joy. And also
realizing like your body does so much for you. Your
body does so much for you. Thinking of your body
in that manner will just change your life. I had
a therapist tell me at sixteen that change my world.
I've done it every single day since. She told me
(26:47):
to stand in the mirror after showering, look in the
mirror completely naked, slick back your hair, like literally get
down to your stubs, girl, like where you are, no makeup, nothing,
And I want you to have a full blown conversation
with yourself, telling yourself five things that you want to
love about yourself. They're probably not gonna be things that
you actually love about yourself, because for me it was
really hard. I had At first, I thought this is
(27:08):
the dumbest fucking exercise ever because I'm not gonna do it.
But I went home and I was, like, my therapist said,
to do what. I'm gonna give it a try. I
looked in the mirror and I said five things I
wanted to love about myselfs, my hips, my arms. I
had stretch marks. I was sixteen. I had stretch marks
on my inner thighs. I had like ingrown hair bumps
and things like that. I broke down in tears so bad.
(27:32):
But I pushed through and I kept doing that exercise
every single day, And can I tell you Abby, what happened.
Instead of those being things that I wanted to love
about myself, they became things that I did love about
myself because I was telling my brain that I've done
that exercise every single day since. I don't maybe get
(27:52):
down to my stubs now, but I look in my
rear view mirror, my car. My husband at first thought
I was crazy, but now it's it's so natural for
me to say.
Speaker 2 (28:01):
God, I you know what.
Speaker 4 (28:02):
I love those things, And now it's so much deeper,
even than just my bodies. I love my spirit, I
love my soul. I love what I offer to the world.
Speaker 1 (28:08):
Your strength, my strength, your strength of as a woman. Yes,
that is what we need to be thinking about. You're
just being a product of your environment. Like the way
you're thinking is the product of the way we've been
taught to talk about and think about our bodies. And
that's just what we've been fed. So like ye, you
allowing them to rob you of the joy you're First
(28:30):
of all, whatever's happening is temporary, right, Like every situation
we're in is temporary. It's not permanent. If you don't.
If you want to, you know, lose weight, that's fine,
that's okay, But you can't shame yourself for where you
are in the current moment. You're doing things to help
yourself to be stronger, to be healthier. I love that
you're going for long walks. Walking is so fucking good
(28:51):
for you. Weights are so good for you. But you
want to change the framework to being strong, not to
being thin or skinny. You want to be strong like
I'm the strongest I've ever been, and that's all I
care about is my strength. And because of that, I'm
smaller than I've ever been because I'm a huge into
weights and everything. And yes, I have the same issues
(29:12):
we all do about bodies, but I know now that
this whole narrative around women and their bodies doesn't get
to control me and my fucking mood. I'm not going
to have a breakdown because I don't fit into jeans
and there's nothing wrong with that. It's very honest of
you to admit that, but it doesn't have to be
that way.
Speaker 4 (29:28):
Can I give you the best tip for yes when
you when you have a breakdown because jeens don't fit
This is going to be life changing.
Speaker 2 (29:35):
Guys ready by a bigger size.
Speaker 3 (29:38):
Yeah, nothing will make you feel worse than clothes that
don't fit and make.
Speaker 1 (29:43):
You feel awful.
Speaker 2 (29:44):
The number means nothing. You're the only one.
Speaker 1 (29:45):
Who knows what the number in the genes is.
Speaker 5 (29:47):
And I feel like I'm surrounded by it right the
way you described it as being like a steeler.
Speaker 2 (29:52):
Joy is a real thing, you know.
Speaker 5 (29:55):
I described with my letter that you know, a lot
of really great things are happening in my life, but
I feel like I am so distracted. I have to
buy this one thing, so distracted by this like negative
self talk and just like this negative way I however,
looking at myself.
Speaker 1 (30:11):
Well, you just need to get up and write those
ten things down every single day. I want you to
write ten things down every single morning of what's going
well in your life, because I promise you that will
change the channel of the way you're thinking about yourself.
Because we can't miss the moment we're in, and when
we're so preoccupied with the way we look, we miss
all of the good stuff. You know, So you have
to know you're taking steps to get the body that
(30:33):
you are more comfortable in in the meantime, there's no
reason to like self immolate. You can't beat yourself up
about that stuff because it's taking away from all the
other good things in your life. And so a great exercise,
and I've done this. We've had so many people on
the show do this really, like start your gratitude list
every morning and being like, these are the ten things
I'm happy about, and even say I'm on my way
(30:55):
to having the body that I want to have. But
there's no reason to again rob the joy of the
present moment, you know, and look in the mirror and
look how beautiful that is. Look at the strength that
comes from within your body. Like it's not just about
the outside of the body, it's about all the things
that are working inside that give you the strength and
ability to walk around every day, to want to lift weights,
(31:18):
to have clarity of mind. You know, it's just you're
just changing the channel on your conversation with yourself.
Speaker 3 (31:24):
And yeah, another trick that's really helpful is thinking about
how you would speak to your best friend, Like you
would never say to your best friend like, oh my god,
you're tummy is spilling over those jeans, or like your
thighs look really big. Today, or like I hate the
way you look at that. You would never say that
to another person. So when you hear yourself saying that
to yourself, change it around, Like I don't like the
(31:44):
way my tummy looks right now, but like, think about
what your tummy does. It's nourishing you. It's really like
helping you live. There are brain cells in there. But
also there's a sexiness.
Speaker 1 (31:54):
Yeah, when you have a little extra meat on you,
it's fucking hot and it can be sexy if you
think it is going out and getting a bigger sized pant.
You just said yourself, how important is for you to
be stylish at work? Like, if you're hiding yourself, you're
not being stylish right, You're covering up because of the
way you're feeling of insecurity. But if you actually get
(32:14):
the clothes that fits you for this moment that you're
going through in time and feel good about yourself every day,
you're gonna have a different conversation with yourself. And it's
not like you've given up like, oh, now that I
bought these clothes, I'll never get back to the size
that you feel more comfortable in. It's like, no, I've
got a little extra meat on me, that's fucking sexy.
Flaunt it, don't try to hide it, you know, embrace it,
(32:36):
like embrace what's coming your way and like the moment
that you're in, because I feel like that's also a
better way to move through everything.
Speaker 4 (32:45):
And comb through who you're following on Instagram. There are
a lot of girls out there who are different body types,
curvy girls who have so much good style. And get
rid of the people who do not serve you, because
I know, girl, I know you're scroll on social media.
Speaker 1 (33:01):
I know you're scrolling on Instagram and doing.
Speaker 4 (33:03):
All the things, and compare yourself. Get the people who
serve you, who make you feel good. And I bet
your husband likes a little extra curve on you.
Speaker 1 (33:10):
The thing he does. I don't have any complaints about it.
I'm the one catastrophizing all of this, I know, because
of society. But like, lean into that, lean into the
fact that he likes it when you're getting dressed, dressed
for him dress. I mean, I would never say that
unless you were dealing with this issue. But seriously, think
about the sexual like the sexual nature of that. You
(33:32):
know that the husband wants you, you know that he's
turned on by that when you get up and go
to work, get dressed, like it doesn't matter what the
weight is that you are, but to embrace every single
thing you have in that moment, you know, in terms
of your body, Embrace your curves, embrace your hips, embrace
your belly, your breasts, all of it. M absolutely love
yourself up. Yeah you deserve it, Abbie, Yes you do.
Speaker 5 (33:54):
Thank you, Thank you so much.
Speaker 1 (33:56):
Well keep us post it Okay. Absolutely.
Speaker 5 (33:59):
I love the action eye.
Speaker 1 (34:00):
I am going to do that.
Speaker 5 (34:01):
I do journal, so that's something I can kind of
work into it. And I like the idea of, you know,
thinking about the things that I'm grateful, because there really
is a lot, Like there's so much. It's just that
I feel like I have my blinders on when I'm
only seeing, you know, this one thing, or fixating I
guess on this one things up.
Speaker 1 (34:21):
Thank you so much, so thank you again.
Speaker 4 (34:25):
A fine.
Speaker 1 (34:26):
But you know there's something that happens too.
Speaker 3 (34:29):
I know for me it happened during as for a
lot of people, it happened during the pandemic where our bodies,
especially when we go through a loss like she did
with her dog. You know, maybe that she's not walking
as much as she was before, but also maybe that
her body is trying to put on this like extra
layer of protection and comfort around her. I know that
that's like something that I've experienced in my life during
(34:49):
harder times. And you know, I like that you said
that it can be temporary, like she may gain weight,
she may lose weight, but you know, she has to
learn to love herself right now where she's at.
Speaker 4 (34:59):
Well, I think we put so so much emphasis on
it as a society, right, like as a plus size model.
If I'm on the cover of anything besides Sports Illustrated,
it was the first time I was on the cover
of anything where they didn't mention my body. It's usually
you know, Hunter McGrady talks about how you know she's
so comfortable in her body. Anytime there's an article written,
I'm like, that's the least important thing about me.
Speaker 1 (35:20):
That's it's just such a stupid thing to comment on,
Like it shouldn't even be a plus size model. It
should just be a model. Whoever's a model is a model,
and then you see a picture of them and then
you can interpret that however you want and see however
you want. But to have to qualify because what's the
opposite of a plus size model.
Speaker 4 (35:35):
Oh here's what any comedian, Chelsea Handler, everyone take a
round of a plot.
Speaker 1 (35:42):
That'd be such a weird way to say. Yeah, I
know that my whole I know that I've been able
to shift my mindset around weight because when you just
said called me skinny, that wasn't a compliment to me.
I do love that you're saying that like that. I
don't want to be that, you know what I mean?
And I wanted to be that my whole life is.
I wanted to be skinny and thin so that people
(36:04):
thought I had an eating disorder. I thought that would
make me happy, and I don't want that. I want
to be strong. That's like I just might. Ben Bruno
just got me new weights because I left and I
don't lift, but I sound like I'm from New Jersey
because I am. But but he got me thirty pound
weights and it's like, Oh, that's a victory that I'm
using thirty pounds. I'm doing bicep curls with thirty pounds,
(36:27):
Like that's fucking hardcore. Ye, That's what I'm excited about now,
And I'm so glad I just had that reaction to
being called skinny because I was like, no, I'm not skinny,
I'm fit. Oh I love that we're like we're breakthrough
and so I know I've reframed my brain around it.
And even when I have gained five or seven pounds,
for me, it is about my mental clarity is the
(36:49):
most important thing. But when I put on five or
seven pounds, I do not have the same reaction I
used to have. I actually do go, oh, you're a
little bigger girl right now, you know, show your booty,
now you have a show it off. I do embrace
it in a different way. So I just feel like
we can all do a little bit better about ourselves.
Speaker 4 (37:06):
Absolutely, And like I said to Abby, like comb through
your social media whoever it's not serving you, like get
just mute them, block whatever you have to do, because
we are all whether we like it.
Speaker 2 (37:17):
Or not, we're all on it all day long.
Speaker 1 (37:18):
Well, and it does help.
Speaker 3 (37:19):
I know for me, it really helped me like finally
accept like my body and what my body looks like
and also like why my body is sexy and beautiful
by following women who looked like me who looks sexy
and beautiful on Instagram, it took a while, but then
one day.
Speaker 1 (37:35):
It was like, oh, I get it.
Speaker 2 (37:37):
Yeah, it really is powerful.
Speaker 3 (37:43):
Well, this is a little bit more on bodies, but
I kind of wanted to get the other side of
the coin of how to have these conversations within family
and especially, I know, having kids. This is something you've
said you would never speak negatively about your body in
front of your kids, So this question comes from Whitney.
Whitney says, Dear Chelsea, my mom has criticized me about
(38:04):
my weight since I was a child. She's never accepted
me for me, even at my thinnest, a whopping one
hundred and twenty pounds in high school, the comments and
bullying continued. I've never stuck up for myself when these
comments are made.
Speaker 1 (38:15):
No one has.
Speaker 3 (38:17):
I'm now thirty three years old and I've become an
aunt to my three month old niece. My brother has family,
and I went back to my parents' house for a
long weekend. My mom began making comments to my niece,
her granddaughter. She said how she needs to work on
her waistline because her shorts don't fit, and how fat
her legs are, you know, like we do like a
little chunky leg baby to a growing ass baby. I
got up and walked away. These comments triggered so much
(38:40):
for me, and I have not talked to my mom
since the trip. I'm ready to talk to my mom
after all these years of abuse. My niece cannot be
another victim of this kind of perfect good. How do
I talk to her in a way that she'll hear
me and stop perpetuating the cycle.
Speaker 1 (38:52):
Write a letter? Yes, I totally agree with that. Yeah,
write a letter and start from the very beginning. These
are the memories of the things that you've said to
me about my body, like your first imprint, your first
memory of her saying that, and list multiple examples, and
then describe how that made you feel. And this isn't
an angry letter, this is you. Clearly, she clearly has
(39:16):
no idea the impact of her words. Yeah, she has
no idea how damaging this is. And you are never
going to let her do this to another person.
Speaker 4 (39:26):
Yeah, I think that's brilliant. I also think, like you're
now a grown woman, set those boundaries and tell her sister,
who is the mother of her niece, these are boundaries.
We can talk about anything. We can't talk about this
that's off the table, no questions asked, do not bring
it up. I think that that's so important. I think
as we're seeing the generations like our parents, that was
(39:48):
so something they talked about, right, like don't eat that
eat handful of almonds, Like now they call them all
my moms. Like set that boundary. We're not talking about
that mom.
Speaker 1 (39:58):
And I think as you.
Speaker 3 (39:58):
Go into writing this, leve better have a moment where
you realize, like, this was how your mom was talked
to and have a little bit of empathy for that,
and like as you go into it, so you can
release some of that anger.
Speaker 1 (40:11):
When I say you're never going to allow that to
happen to your niece, I mean that is advice to you.
That is something that you need to tell your mother.
I mean you can say that to your mother, but
you don't have to say it in that kind of language.
You exactly go into this knowing that your mother didn't
know better, and you are going to be the tool
to help her understand how to better behave in the
future and what the impact of those negative words can
(40:33):
have on someone's body image.
Speaker 4 (40:35):
Yeah, and also good on you for having the wherewithal
to know that, right, like to know that. This really
messed me up, and I don't want that for my niece.
Like that, Whitney, You've already grown so much from breaking
that cycle and that trauma.
Speaker 1 (40:51):
Yeah. Absolutely, Yeah, and so called a cycle breaker. I
like the breaker. Yeah, cycle breaker, when you break the
cycle within your family. Yeah, that's what you need to do.
Speaker 2 (41:01):
Yeah, you're going to be it with me. I love that.
Speaker 3 (41:03):
Yeah, okay, great, Well, our next question is kind of
a toughie. This comes from Colton. He says, Dear Chelsea,
A few months ago, my little brother died by suicide.
I'm twenty seven and hey was twenty As a gay
man from a very small conservative town, I've put some
distance between.
Speaker 1 (41:22):
Myself and where I grew up. I have a little
sister who's.
Speaker 3 (41:24):
A teenager, and her and my mom are very much
struggling with the loss of my brother. She doesn't know
how to cope and doesn't want to share her feelings
or emotions, at least with me. How can I support
them and care for them when I don't live close
and Chelsea, I'd love your insight on being a young
girl losing their older brother. Am I right to push
her to confide in me and open up about her emotions.
I'm still trying to navigate the grieving process myself while
(41:46):
trying to move on with.
Speaker 1 (41:47):
My own life.
Speaker 3 (41:49):
I adore my family and want to be around for them,
but I also still need to work on figuring out
my own identity, and that includes putting more distance between
me and my negative small town childhood ps. My younger
brother and I. I would watch Chelsea Lately all the time.
He was probably too young, but those are memories, all
cherished forever. Any feedback is greatly appreciated.
Speaker 1 (42:07):
Colton. I think whatever you can do to get your
sister to start talking, whether it's I don't know if
you can afford getting her her own therapist or setting
something up for her online. But like, forget about you
having to create distance between you and your family and
that small town. That's a separate issue. We're just talking
about your brother's death right now, and that doesn't require
(42:27):
you to even be there in person to go back home.
That just requires you to keep a dialogue going with
your sister, and that is something that you have to
do for her mental health in order to get her
to start talking, because this will only fester and manifest
in her life in a negative way if she doesn't
get the conversation going. So you have to just kind
(42:50):
of be tireless in your efforts to engage with her
about your brother and to possibly, if you guys can
afford it, start seeing a therapist. And even if that's
something that you do on a zoom with her for
like grief counseling, like you only have to do this
ten times with me, you know what I mean. You
just have to open the door so that she can
(43:11):
begin the conversation and then you can either hop out
of that or you guys can do it together as
a family, which I think would probably be really healing.
I mean, there's individual grief and then there's familial grief,
and you want to be able to be well versed
in both of those things. But if you don't push
your sister, you're older and wiser, so you have a
responsibility to really try to get in there. And it
(43:34):
doesn't have to be aggressive. It can be like a soft,
safe place, you know whatever. I don't know her personality,
but I know how rigid I became when my brother died.
I refuse to talk about it because I wasn't allowed
to be vulnerable. I couldn't allow myself the vulnerability, and
I didn't want to be I didn't want to allow
myself to cry. It was embarrassing. I felt crying was embarrassing, embarrassing, embarrassing, embarrassing.
(43:56):
So like, you just have to create a space and
a dialogue between the two of you where she knows
she can come there, where she can be vulnerable and
she can cry, And it might require you to be
vulnerable to her first.
Speaker 4 (44:09):
Well I think that, yeah, exactly, being vulnerable first, being like, listen,
I feel very sad about this.
Speaker 2 (44:14):
I'm really struggling. How are you feeling? You know?
Speaker 4 (44:18):
And even it doesn't even have to maybe be super
sad at first. It could be, Hey, you know what
I've been thinking about sonzel, Let's do something together to
celebrate him, maybe like mom takes you out for ice
cream today, we could FaceTime while we eat it. Let's
do something that he loved to do, and really just
celebrate him. You know. If the emotional is hard, because
it is. And did he say she was thirteen? Yeah,
(44:39):
that's so, that's so young.
Speaker 1 (44:41):
You're still in such an important age. It is such
an important age because she's about to burst into womanhood. Yeah,
she's going through puberty. You know, she's adolescent. Yeah, so
she But it's such an important age to actually build
these skills and tools right.
Speaker 4 (44:56):
Now and say it's okay to be emotional, like you said,
like crying is not a embarrassing and crying is like listen,
we all do it, and like you said, don't apologize
for it. And I think her learning that at this
age will be yeah, massively important. And grief therapy. Oh
I think insurance should cover some of that as well.
Speaker 3 (45:14):
Oh yeah, with grief therapy if he has if there's
a way to have her or her and your mom
come to visit you so like you don't have to
go to a place that's triggering, but like maybe it's
just your sister, and it's like that's a pretty big
age gap, like fourteen years. It's hard to know what
to say to somebody who's fourteen years younger than you.
But even giving her something to look forward to that's
(45:34):
a month or two down the road of like I'm
going to see my like cool gay brother and whatever
somebody lives in. Having that to look forward to I
think can be really helpful in addition.
Speaker 1 (45:42):
To the therapy.
Speaker 3 (45:44):
And then also like not feeling like you have to
talk about it right away, you know, give it a
day or two and before you bring it up while
you're doing inactivity whatever it is.
Speaker 1 (45:52):
Yeah, And when I'm saying be aggressive or be persistent,
I don't mean to hammer her, Like you don't want
to hammer because then people will get turned off. But
you have to like create a path of vulnerability between
the two of you so that at least she thinks
she has a confidante in you. At least she'll know.
Speaker 4 (46:08):
Yeah, like chickens, Hey, how you doing today? You know,
But that's exactly it. It's that consistency is so important.
Speaker 1 (46:14):
Like no one did that with me. Yeah, everyone was
in their own grief, so no one came and said,
we need you to talk about it. And when they
did try to talk about it later, too much time
had passed. So I was like, oh no, no, that
that shut we star. I don't talk about that anymore.
I won't talk to my mom would be like, don't
you miss your brother? And I would leave the room.
I'm like, you don't get to talk to me about
(46:34):
my brother.
Speaker 4 (46:35):
That's a lot. You have your grief and then you
have the secondary grief. Of Okay, my parents just lost somebody,
and for nine years old. You know, I don't blame
you for having a scar over that wound and being
like I'm all set, don't open it please. That was
painful enough, you know. Do you feel like that with
your family too?
Speaker 1 (46:56):
I mean I would, I would turn the question. I
mean yeah, it was devis stating to see my parents
so devastated.
Speaker 2 (47:02):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (47:03):
So with my dad, I was disappointed in him for
not being able to get it together. Yeah, and my
mom I felt so badly for But my mom was
able to get it together sooner, so it was easier
to watch than my father's basically emotional demise after my brother.
Speaker 2 (47:19):
That's its own grief.
Speaker 1 (47:20):
Well, but I would actually turn the question back to you, like,
how is it at now that you're older, seeing your
parents grief? Yeah, it is.
Speaker 4 (47:27):
It is its own grief. It's its own grief, for sure.
It's so many layers. I think with grief, it's the
grief my kids don't have their uncle around. It's the
grief of seeing my parents, the sibling loss. Sibling loss
in our society is not really talked about.
Speaker 2 (47:42):
It's really not. It's very it's its own thing.
Speaker 4 (47:46):
Also, I think that back to Colton, like maybe saying
to her, like, just so you know, people say, oh,
there's five stages to grief.
Speaker 2 (47:53):
That's bullshit.
Speaker 4 (47:54):
There's like so many stages. Saying it's okay if you
feel angry, little sister, it's okay, if you feel sad,
it's okay to laugh to by the way, like it's
okay to to if that helps you cope, Just saying
it's okay to feel these things, you know.
Speaker 1 (48:07):
I wish there was a good book to give her
at thirteen. I'm trying to think of what a good
book on grief is, but I'm coming up empty handed.
I haven't read a book on grief. Yea, all I
keep thinking about is Joan Didion's book. But that's not
good for a thirteen year old.
Speaker 2 (48:18):
Yeah, but it's a good book.
Speaker 1 (48:19):
Yeah, yeah, Well.
Speaker 3 (48:20):
Why don't we have listeners write in and if you
have suggestions, we'll pass them along to Colton.
Speaker 1 (48:25):
Good idea?
Speaker 3 (48:26):
Yeah, yeah, Well, why don't we take our last break
and we'll come back to wrap up.
Speaker 1 (48:30):
I have a question that's very specific for Hunter. Also, Okay,
we're going to take a break, a Hunter and I
are going to take a bath, and we'll be right back.
And we're back.
Speaker 2 (48:43):
We are back.
Speaker 3 (48:44):
Now, this question, at first, Blush doesn't seem like something
that you would ask the supermodel Lush, Sure, but I
know the gun reform is something you've been really passionate about.
And the yeah, yeah, you're going to the White House, right, Yeah,
it's very exciting. Yeah, very exciting, which brings me to
the question, So Alicia says, and she's actually written in
a couple of times, so I'm glad that you're here.
Speaker 1 (49:05):
To talk about this.
Speaker 3 (49:06):
Alicia says, Dear Chelsea, I'm a twenty nine year old
female married to a thirty year old male. He's in
the army and I'm in sports medicine. I don't like guns.
I believe the world will be safer without them. And he,
on the other hand, wants multiple guns and stated I
will have an AR fifteen. I did let him get
a handgun because he's been robbed and feel safer with
a gun. I do not feel safe living with an
(49:28):
AR fifteen in the house or multiple guns. I do
have a history of self harm and mental illness, so
that makes me very cautious around weapons.
Speaker 1 (49:35):
My husband says, it's controlling that I will not live
in a house with more than one gun. I'm controlling
your safety.
Speaker 3 (49:42):
I do not want even one, but he wants one
for protection, so he got one. Now he says he
wants more and to collect them. How am I being unreasonable,
Alicia Ude, Yeah, you're being reasonable.
Speaker 1 (49:53):
You're a woman.
Speaker 4 (49:54):
What woman wants guns around? Right, and with a history
of self harm? This is a no brainer. This is
get a new model breaker, get a new fucking hobby. Yeah,
I get a new hobby. You're not being unreasonable. My husband, Yeah,
I get a new husband exactly. That's ridiculous.
Speaker 1 (50:12):
That's not like, that's not an issue that someone feels
so passionately about in the way that like I need
more guns to make me feel better, I want to
collect them.
Speaker 4 (50:20):
That's unreasonable. It's not like I don't like cats. Don't
get a cat. It's like, this is my you could,
this is right my safety.
Speaker 1 (50:27):
Huh.
Speaker 4 (50:28):
The Go Say Act is basically the act that needs
to be signed to reinstate a ban on assault weapons.
We don't fucking need air fifteens, we don't need access
to them. It is a law that was already passed
from nineteen ninety four to two thousand and four, and
the moment it stopped, you can.
Speaker 1 (50:46):
Look at all the stats.
Speaker 4 (50:49):
Everything started to rise up as far as like mass
shootings and stuff. As a mother, first and foremost, I
every single day I'm worried about my son going to
school because you look at history and what these people
are using. They're using air fifteens. Nobody needs access to
an air fifteen unless you are in combat. There's there's
(51:10):
no need for it. And again, this is a nonpartisan organization,
so it's not saying, oh, we're banning the Second Amendment,
we're banning your right to bear arms. I grew up
with my dad, who was a hunter. We were taught
gun safety, we were taught all those things. But nobody
needs access on air fifteen. It's so fucking stupid.
Speaker 3 (51:27):
Yeah, and it's you know, like you were saying, an
air fifteen is used for one thing, and that's an
act of war. That's not something you need in your household.
Speaker 1 (51:34):
I actually got.
Speaker 4 (51:35):
Into an argument over this with a guy on DMS,
and you know, he was.
Speaker 1 (51:38):
Like, but I use him for hunting. It's so great
for hunting.
Speaker 4 (51:40):
I was like, get a better aim, get a better aim,
and he was like, too shake, because I'm like, if
that's really what you're going to use it for, I.
Speaker 1 (51:48):
Mean, is that how you hunt? By taking a fucking
sawed off shotgun into the fucking woods right and spraying
bullets right? Exactly? You're not a very good hunter then, right.
Oh my god, any argument about a semi automatic weapon
makes me sick to my stomach. I can't even believe
people think that they need something like that self protect
(52:08):
I know.
Speaker 3 (52:09):
All right, So I would say, Alicia, I think this
is a deal breaker. If he really feels like he
needs that, then I don't think he needs to have
you in his life.
Speaker 4 (52:18):
This is like one of those ones where I would say,
give him an ultimatum. Yeah, if you really feel so
strongly about that, then Cyanara, yep.
Speaker 1 (52:28):
Okay, we're going to wrap up. But your podcast with
your sister, I also want to mention before we leave
is really fun for listeners and you guys love doing
it together.
Speaker 4 (52:38):
Yes, it's called the Model Citizen Podcast. We drop every Thursday.
We talk about everything, like we are here to talk
about everything from sex to.
Speaker 2 (52:48):
We get deep into listen.
Speaker 4 (52:50):
There's nothing off limits basically, right, Like, it's just it's
girlfriends hanging out talking about the things that no one
wants to talk about out in the world, and we're
very bold and brazen with it and it is so
much fun.
Speaker 3 (53:01):
Yeah, and you're doing this series right now that's like
self Love Summer Summer.
Speaker 2 (53:04):
Of self Love.
Speaker 4 (53:05):
Yeah. We've had some amazing guests on basically saying like,
what are some tools that we can use in our
own personal toolbox to love ourselves a little bit better?
Speaker 1 (53:15):
Like how can we do this?
Speaker 4 (53:16):
And again we touch on subjects like how can we
do that in bed, like with our partners, how can
we do that in life? How can we We've had
fitness experts on how can we get into the gym
without feeling shamed for wanting to go to the gym
and be better? And it really kind of delves into
so many different aspects of our life. And it's been
really really cool that now we're kind of also going
(53:38):
to go into the.
Speaker 2 (53:38):
Fall with it since it's got such a great response.
Speaker 1 (53:41):
Awesome, Yeah, thank you, fun, Thank.
Speaker 4 (53:45):
You so much, ladies, This is so much fun.
Speaker 1 (53:46):
Thank you so much, And well you'll hear us again
next week. Goodbye. Okay, So upcoming shows that I have
you guys, I'm coming to Texas. I'm coming to Saint
Louis and Kansas City, and then I will be in
Las Vegas performing at the Chelsea Theater inside the Cosmopolitan Hotel.
My first three dates in Vegas are September first, Labor
(54:08):
Day weekend, and then November two and November thirtieth. I'm
coming to Brooklyn, New York, at the King's Theater on
November eighth, and I have tickets on sale throughout the
end of the year in December, so if you're in
a city like Philadelphia or Bethlehem, or San Diego or
New Orleans or Omaha, check Chelseahandler dot com for tickets.
Speaker 3 (54:30):
Okay, if you'd like advice from Chelsea, shoot us an
email at Dear Chelsea podcast at gmail dot com and
be sure to include your phone number. Dear Chelsea is
edited and engineered by Brad Dickert executive producer Catherine Law
and be sure to check out our merch at Chelseahandler
dot com.
Hi, Catherine, Hi, Chelsea, how are you hi. I'm very
excited about our guest today because she's a Sports illustrated
cover model, entrepreneur and host of the Model Citizen podcast.
Please welcome Hunter McGrady. Hunter McGrady, welcome to the podcast.
Thank you. I'm so excited to be here. Oh you're
so cute. She Hunter arrived with her sister and her
mother in toe, which is my favorite thing.
Speaker 2 (00:21):
Yes, with me everywhere whenever I'm in La.
Speaker 1 (00:24):
Yeah, that's whenever I'm in the San Francisco area, my
sister and my sister's seen me perform probably like sixteen times.
So she can't be interested.
Speaker 2 (00:33):
You know what I mean.
Speaker 1 (00:35):
Even she doesn't even come backstage anymore. She stays in
the dressing room. I'm like, what's the fucking point of
being here? No, she loses the audience to see if
there are any single men. I'm like, there will never
be any single street men coming to see my show,
so stop looking there, no one, Harry, that would be
a tip off.
Speaker 3 (00:51):
Yeah, right, all right, straight out there.
Speaker 1 (00:55):
He's coming to meet women. Actually, it's a great guy
with It's a great place for women because my audience
is so female heavy.
Speaker 2 (01:03):
I love it.
Speaker 1 (01:03):
Hunter, how are you? I'm doing good.
Speaker 4 (01:06):
I'm actually on vacation and we're like. I was like,
of course I'm gonna do Chelsea. You kidding with Doug Charldia?
Speaker 2 (01:12):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (01:12):
Where were you? Where were you vacation? Oh you're on vacation.
This is you're I'm born and raised here. The eyebrows there,
they're real. They're real.
Speaker 4 (01:21):
But I'm wondering if it's eyebrow blindness which i'm seeing
on No, no, no, they're perfect, and I'm afraid I'm
going to look back and it's gonna.
Speaker 2 (01:27):
People are gonna be like that was my proud blindness.
Speaker 1 (01:29):
That means you can't see your own eyebrows.
Speaker 2 (01:30):
It means that you've done them so gnarly and so crazy.
Speaker 1 (01:33):
Is that what I look like? Because I'm using on
your product that it feels like there's semen in my
eyebrows because it's hard and gelatinized. It goes up. But
I like the look of it where it's kind of
fuzzy and it looks like hair.
Speaker 2 (01:46):
You know what I mean? I promise, Okay, thank you.
Speaker 1 (01:48):
You're well, you're a model, so you need to tell
me the truth because I'm not I'll tell you the truth.
Speaker 2 (01:52):
Here's the thing.
Speaker 4 (01:52):
I will be so honest that it sometimes hurts the feelings,
but I will be honest.
Speaker 1 (01:57):
Congratulations on your sports illustrated. Thanks ish you. And I
was interested in speaking to you because you talk so
much about body positivity, right, and I want to know
what you think about the term plus size model.
Speaker 4 (02:10):
So it's funny, I'm kind of like even with body positivity,
like now I'm just like body neutrality because we can't
always all be positive all the time about our body, right,
Like you can also be neutral about it, and that's
also so cool. And I think the word plus size.
When I first started out, because I was in this
such just toxic diet culture mindset, I was like, oh,
(02:32):
don't call me a plus size model. That's mortifying. And
now I'm like, I'm so proud of it. That's that's
what made me who I am. That's what gave me
all my success, you know, And now.
Speaker 2 (02:42):
I take it. I could take it or leave it
whatever anyone wants to say.
Speaker 1 (02:45):
That's interesting body positivity versus body neutrality, because it is true.
How are you supposed to be fucking positive about something
all the time? No one's positive about anything all the time.
Speaker 4 (02:54):
Right right, Well that's the thing also is I think
that like media has also taken it in really spun
it in such a negative way, where like so many
brands are saying.
Speaker 1 (03:04):
Like we're inclusive, we're positive.
Speaker 4 (03:07):
And then you really go in they don't none of
them make my size. You use the token plus sized girl,
and it's just gotten so muddied.
Speaker 1 (03:15):
But I don't understand why these brands don't make bigger sizes.
It's not like there are only small women.
Speaker 2 (03:20):
They're leaving money on the table.
Speaker 4 (03:22):
And now brands are even pulling back even more because
we are in this ozembic era, which fine, you I
cannot sit here and be like staunch pro choice and
then say but you can't do that to your body
or whatever I want, right like literally take do whatever
you want, take whatever you want, but know that you
could lose the weight and still not feel one hundred
percent confident. And it starts with your mind, right like
(03:44):
it starts with here. First I actually had I was
talking to my sister about this. I had a girlfriend
of mine and she's on ozembic and she was like,
I've lost fifteen pounds. I'm at the weight that I
told myself that I would feel confident in and I
just don't feel good. And I was like, well, yeah,
of course, because you bought into the lie that thin
equals confidence. That's just not the truth. Confidence is like
(04:07):
a journey, it comes from within.
Speaker 2 (04:08):
Right. I'm not a thin woman, but I'm a confident woman.
Speaker 1 (04:11):
And you would never take a zempic.
Speaker 2 (04:12):
No, I have not ever, you don't know, right, But
I'm not against it, right, I'm really not.
Speaker 1 (04:16):
Whatever everyone wants to do, it's not my boy.
Speaker 4 (04:20):
I can't say anything about your body. You do what
you want to do, you know, but I think that like,
you do what you want to do. But just know
that confidence is a mind thing and that's like that's work.
Speaker 1 (04:29):
Right, And therapy has helped you with a lot of
that confidency.
Speaker 4 (04:33):
Right. I'm such a proponent for therapy. I've been in
therapy since I was fifteen years old.
Speaker 1 (04:37):
Well, I mean it's so fucking obvious that if you
can go to therapy, you fucking should go. Like no
one goes ever. And it's like it ruined my life, right,
you know, unless you end up sucking your therapist, which
we advise against. Listen, Yeah, it's like had sex with
a therapist. There was a lot of hesitation there. Hunter.
I did have a.
Speaker 2 (04:57):
Hot therapist once. I rid therapist.
Speaker 1 (05:01):
I once went to couples therapy with a boyfriend and
I was attracted to the therapist right away, and I
was like, this is not a good idea. I've been
telling me right now, this is my type. He's older.
At the time, I only liked older men, and I
was like, I'm because I had daddy issues and I
wanted I was attracted to him, and I was like, Oh,
he's going to fix me. This is the exact dynamic
that I need to stay away from any sort of
mentor figure attracted to run for the hills one hundred person.
Speaker 4 (05:25):
And I always think about like therapy, Like when when
people tell me they're getting divorced and they're like, I'm
so sorry, but like no happy marriage and divorced. So
I'm like, for you, you're fucking you're doing the things.
Same with therapy.
Speaker 1 (05:36):
Yeah, you're not gonna never going to therapy and it
is going to be back. So you haven't been with
the same therapist since you were fifteen or no, I haven't.
Speaker 4 (05:42):
I've bounced around. I've gotten I like that too. I
have a grief therapist. I have, you know, my own
personal therapist. I'm very much a proponent for it. I
think even if you think you have no reason to go,
go and they'll find stuff to work pass.
Speaker 1 (05:59):
And I know that it's not affordable for everybody, which
is why we're constantly sponsored by Better Help on this podcast,
because anyone can access like affordable therapy and it's worthwhile.
And that's not an ad, that's just love. Yeah, of course,
So I know you lost your brother. Yeah, I also
have a brother that has passed away. How old were
you when that happened.
Speaker 4 (06:18):
Gosh, this was just three years ago. Oh, so it's yeah,
it's very new. We were actually talking about this because
my mom and I watched your special. I think it
was when was your most recent special?
Speaker 1 (06:27):
Now you're talking about Revolution on HBO Max where I
talk about my brother.
Speaker 2 (06:30):
Yeah, and it was so healing to me.
Speaker 1 (06:32):
Oh, thank you, I'm glad.
Speaker 4 (06:34):
Yeah it was because I'm sorry, but it is. It's
like it's something that is just going to change you forever,
you know. Yeah, And it's like sibling loss is very
nuanced and not talked about, so it was very healing.
Speaker 1 (06:49):
I'm glad to hear that. Yeah, it's almost like with siblings.
I think those sentence that I learned the most from
was celebrating someone's life instead of obviously you have to
grieve your brother. We all do, and I can't even
imagine what that's like for parents. But when you can
move into the celebration of their life and to allow
(07:09):
them to as a guiding light in your own life,
when you're making tough decisions and you think of the
person you lost that you love so much and infuse
your decision making with that loss and that love for
a person, I think that's when the grief starts to
move into a place that you're like, you know, we're
always going to be upset, there's always going to be
(07:30):
emotion tied to it, but it can be the most
useful and loving way to accept someone's departure is to
make sure they're with you every step of the way. Yeah.
Speaker 4 (07:42):
Well, and that's why I you know, I often like
bring up my brother when it comes to even my
like when people talk about weight or their body or
the weight, and I'm like, life is so fucking short.
That is so goddamn boring to talk about. If you're
always worrying about that, like you can be gone tomorrow.
Speaker 1 (07:59):
But I mean, even back to what you're saying, this
is not related to grief, but how much time I
wasted in my youth focusing on my body and the
way that I looked at the hours of like browbeating
that I did to myself. If only I were five
pounds later, I won't go out tonight because of how
much I weigh. I'm going to run six miles tomorrow,
(08:19):
and then I would weigh myself when I went running
before I went running, and then I'd sweat for an
hour and a half, come home, weigh myself. Then, I
mean this psychotic behavior around our body images like I
can't wait for a generation of women to wake up
and not have to deal with that me too.
Speaker 3 (08:36):
It's happening now because Hunter, I know you. When you
first started modeling, you were like rail thin and were
told like it's still not enough, you gotta lose what
was three inches on your head And.
Speaker 4 (08:46):
I was one hundred and fourteen pounds and I'm six
feet tall, right like it was. It was crazy, And
I grew up. My dad's an actor, my mom was
a model, and I grew up in this industry. I
grew up in LA and it was like that was
just the norm, right, And so I thought, well, okay,
I'm just gonna have to be the smallest version of
me if I want anything to do with this dream
(09:08):
of mine. And finally there was a breaking point where
I showed up to a job and I was so thin.
I wasn't I was in a very massive calorie deficit,
working out hours a day, miserable, had severe depression, anxiety.
I showed up and they everyone was kind of looking
at me, and they came over to my mom and
(09:28):
I and they said, we're so sorry. We don't think
you're going to fit in any of the clothes. We
didn't realize how big you were. I was fifty, I
was even a full grown woman. I was fifteen years old.
I haven't even like fully developed yet. But I was
smart enough to know in that moment, A, I need
to get help because I'm severely depressed. Be fuck this,
because if this is what it takes for me to
(09:49):
live out this dream of being a model, like I'm out.
So I took five years off and I did moment
self help work, and that's when I kind of fell
into the plus size modeling and then once I got
Sports Illustrated. I've been with them for seven years, since
I was twenty two, and it was just a massive,
like pendulum swing for me.
Speaker 1 (10:09):
Yeah, it isn't it interesting that women are always told
to become smaller and men are always trying to become bigger.
Speaker 2 (10:15):
Do you want to know something so funny?
Speaker 4 (10:17):
The other day an article popped up and it was
like Ryan Reynolds and Hugh Jackman are promoting an unrealistic
body ideal because they're so jacked. I'm like, you can't win.
You literally can't win. No, I can't win. I have
Donald Trump JUNI you're talking about my body. I have
Fox News talking about my body being too big. Then
(10:37):
you have Hugh Jackman being too too I'm like, you
literally can't win.
Speaker 1 (10:41):
I like how political you are. Tell me about your
like history, Like when did you get involved in politics?
When did you start really caring? Or have you always I've.
Speaker 4 (10:51):
Always cared because my sister and my mom are very
very political. They're like strong, powerful women, and my sister
is very vocal about it.
Speaker 2 (11:01):
And for the longest time, I.
Speaker 4 (11:03):
Was like, ah, I have to kind of be in
the background because it's not good for the image to
pick it. And my sister was like, if you don't
stand for anything, like you stand for fucking nothing. So
pick a side, sister, and like let's do our research.
And so, you know, in the last few years, I
think in the last election, when Trump came in, I
got just really riled up and I was like, I'm done,
(11:26):
and especially this election, all of a sudden, Fox News
started posting me. Donald Trump Junior posted me saying, you know,
go wo go broke Sports Illustrated. You want to have
someone who's you know, big on your in your magazine.
Little did he know that I was going to get
the cover a month later. So like that's that, yeah,
Because there's too much on the line. There's too much
on the fucking line. And I'm a woman in this
(11:49):
world where my rights are on the line, and I
have people in my life where their lives are on
the line. Where and you have children, I have fucking
children where their lives are on the line, And like
I send my son to school name worried every day,
like it's too much at stake. I have a platform
and I'm going to use it, and I think that
(12:09):
we all have that responsibility honestly, like we should be
using our platforms. You use yours so brilliantly because a
lot of people are afraid to.
Speaker 1 (12:18):
They are afraid to, And I also think that is
a learning curve as well. I remember when you're talking
about Donald Trump becoming elected. Listen, I was with you
their sister. I almost had a fucking nervous breakdown. I
may have had one, I'm not sure, but at the
time I was so angry, angry, angry, angry, and like
and it became so divisive, divisive, divisive, And then you realize, oh, like,
there's been an evolution in my messaging because I want
(12:40):
to be happy and positive. I don't want to be
hateful and vitriolic. I want actually to spread the good vibes.
And I've realized to not be hand in hand with
the candidate all the time, to actually be speaking from
my own platforms where it's not like you can confuse
or obfuscate what I'm doing with being paid to be
promoting a candidate or this candidate. Ye, no one's fucking
(13:00):
I'm not for sale, so no one's paying me to
do fucking anything, right, I was.
Speaker 4 (13:05):
Just invited by the Harris team to her rally in Pennsylvania,
and I got so many messages from people being like, oh,
this is paid, this is so classic, It's paid, And
I'm like, no, listen, I don't agree with all the
policies that Kamala Harris has. I don't and I definitely
don't believe with any of Trump's. But like I'm here
to say, like you're saying, I'm voting at what I
(13:27):
align with, and I agree. There is so much divisiveness
and that's why we are having the issue that we're having.
I believe there's three parties. There's the Republican, the Democrat,
and the Trump supporters, and they don't care if I'm mad.
So why am I going to sit here and be mad.
I have two children to have to worry about. You know,
I'm gonna be positive. I'm going to use my voice
for good and speak out about that and try to
(13:50):
make a change where I can, but not let it
affect me so much where I'm go down with them.
Speaker 1 (13:56):
Yeah, Like I feel like the Trump administrations almost stole
for years of my life, Like you're not getting me againymore?
Speaker 2 (14:03):
You got me once.
Speaker 1 (14:05):
An abusive relationship is right it.
Speaker 4 (14:08):
Is, And that's literally how I feel, like so many
people feel. I feel the same way I was. So
me and my sister were like out there on the
lines with signs, and you know, after a while you're like, okay,
you know what, I'm going to change my messaging and
spin it and be positive and say like, okay, we
have this here, this like future can look right.
Speaker 1 (14:26):
And I think that's it. Circling back to talking about
your brother's death, It's almost like it's analogous in a way.
It's about taking something devastating and turning it into something inspiring, right,
and actually making positives out of fucking mince meat, you
know what I mean. Change happen, and I think that's
(14:48):
such a powerful tool to be able to do. Like
I'm sure even in the three years since you've lost
your brother, you've seen the dynamic between your remaining family
and how that's shifted.
Speaker 4 (14:57):
Right, Oh, the moment it happened, we all got together
and my mom and my dad said, listen to me,
right now, this can either make us or break us.
Speaker 2 (15:05):
It's not gonna break us, so we're all gonna come together.
Speaker 4 (15:07):
I'm literally my parents are divorced and we spent We've
spent every single day on this vacation all together with
their grandkids in the house. My dad's remarried, Like, we're
going to the beach together, and of course along the
way we're like, oh, I wish my brother was here.
I wish China could be heari to see it. But
like we have gotten so close. We spend Christmases all
together like we have. Just I would have never thought
(15:31):
my dad and my mom would even be in the
same room with each other at one point, and now
we're spending Christmases together.
Speaker 3 (15:36):
Well, and again it comes back to this, like, what
are we really gonna worry about here? We're gonna worry
about the small stuff? They like, I'm annoid with you
because of this. No, when you go through something that
devastating and huge, you realize, like, how that stuff's just Manusha.
Speaker 2 (15:49):
It's so minutia.
Speaker 1 (15:50):
Ye, well, for it should be. It should be. But
it reminds me of a story that I need to
share because, and it's not funny at all. My cousins
lost their brother and I was there in the room
in the hospital after he had passed away. We were
all sitting there and my aunt and uncle had separated,
we're not on speaking terms, and then we're all gathered around.
(16:12):
You know, it's a horrible day, one of the most
horrible days in everyone's life, if not the most. And
I remember my uncle putting his hand on my aunt's
leg and was like, you know, we need to come together,
and she's like, get the fuck off of me. This
is not your opening. Our son is dead, and I
still don't fucking want anything to do with you. Get out. Yeah, no,
(16:33):
every example, that's what I mean, right, Yeah, But I
mean if the spirit of it should be what you're describing,
but I think my uncle was actually trying to get
back together in the hospital room, so that was also,
know tonally way off, but that's exactly what you're describing.
Sounds like did it make your family come together? You know,
when your brother dies, you feel like you're the only
(16:55):
person Like that is such a rare thing. And then
as I've talked about it, as I've written and about it,
so many people have come to me and you're like, God,
it's not something that's so common, but it's more common
than you think. Yeah, and so many people have lost brothers.
So I think experiencing my cousins losing their brother. I
remember just all I knew was how to help the situation. Yeah,
(17:16):
like I've been through this. I'm going to take care
of whatever you guys can't deal with in this moment.
I'll take care of the funeral, I'll take care of
this arrangement. I'll take care of get buying a casket,
I'll take care of all this stuff. No one has
the capability to deal with something when someone is pulled
out of your life unexpectedly. Yeah, no one has any
idea what to do. So somebody has to step up
and do that. Yeah, so I was I think it
was useful for me to have gone through that because
(17:38):
I was at an age when my brother died. I
wasn't in charge of anything.
Speaker 4 (17:41):
I was nine years old, right, But you kind of
you kind of like immediately get equipped with this armor
to deal with life in a different way. And I
mean at nine, you're you're that's like such an impressionable age.
And I'm sure a lot of people were like, she's nice,
She's gonna get over threat. But it's like, no, this
has now I've created this armor for the rest of
(18:02):
my life of like, how I'm going to move through
life like I moved through life differently than I did
three years ago. I can handle things now that I
would have never that would have broken me.
Speaker 1 (18:12):
You were pregnant with your first child right when you
passed them, So what.
Speaker 3 (18:15):
Was the experience going through this extreme grief and then
suddenly having this huge amount of joy in your life.
Speaker 4 (18:21):
Yeah? That was very weird because you know, I called
my doctor and I was like, I'm flying home and
she was like, you're giving birth in like six weeks.
You can't And I was like, I don't care, I'll
give birth on this plane. When I got back, you know,
I gave birth pretty much. Gosh, yeah, five weeks after.
It was very weird. Yeah, it was very weird, but
(18:45):
it taught me I didn't mean to christ I'm fine with.
Speaker 1 (18:51):
Anything. If anyone listeners are going anything, we are not
apologizing now, that's true.
Speaker 4 (18:57):
That's true, and I'm it's always a on any platform.
I think it made me realize that extreme sadness can
only be known with extreme joy, right and vice versa.
Like I I it was the weirdest time because I
was like, how can I be the most devastating Honestly,
(19:20):
before I had my son. I was like, I don't
think anything will be able to make me happy again,
you know. But then he came out and oh my god,
I would never want to put this on him, but
like he saved a lot of us, and I never
want to put that pressure on him.
Speaker 2 (19:33):
And I'm not you know, I never am.
Speaker 1 (19:35):
Like you're you're the one who saved us. But he
brought so much healing and he's so much like my brother. Yeah,
and I think those things happen, you know. It's kind
of like these rainbows in life when you lose someone
you love and then a new there's someone always has
a baby, right, No, it's so weird the way that
works in a family. Like you can lose your father
(19:55):
and then you have a baby. You lose your brother
and you have a baby, and it's like there's a
transfer of life and there's like you think about reincarnation
and you're like is that a possibility? Oh my god,
what is this?
Speaker 4 (20:04):
I swear because like I look like my son has
my brother's exact feet, like he has his exact humor.
I'm like, bye bye you in there, Like it's so wild,
it's so wild, and it does bring that like sense
of joy and.
Speaker 1 (20:19):
Relief, but it was really weird to also like not greed.
Speaker 4 (20:24):
I think I was definitely a different mom to my
son than I am to my daughter because I was
in such heavy grief. It affected my supply. You know,
my supply dried up like pretty almost immediately, Like I
couldn't breastfeed him.
Speaker 2 (20:38):
It's all that like up and down.
Speaker 4 (20:40):
Whereas my daughter, I'm like, oh, it was easy peasy,
you know, comparing the two of them.
Speaker 1 (20:46):
Yeah, And I think Gabor Mate, this psychiatrist from Canada
or psychologist, I'm not sure what he is. We've had
him on the podcast before, so I guess I wasn't
paying attention. But he always talked about that that you're
not the same parent regardless to your children. Every child,
you're a different parent too, based on what their needs are,
(21:07):
their sex, their personality. Yeah. My sister was so so
freaked out by her daughter when she found her out
her daughter was having sex. Meanwhile, her son is the
same age, and she's like, I'm like, is he having sex?
You know now he's the same age And she's like, oh,
I don't know. Maybe I'm like interesting reaction that you
were fucking losing your shit yeah, three or four years ago,
(21:29):
and now you have no reaction to your son. I'm like,
do you realize how sexist that is?
Speaker 4 (21:32):
It's insane. It's really insane. I'm the opposite with my daughter.
Like literally, when we came out for vacation a couple
years ago, his first time, mom and like, we have
three hours until Hudson needs to get home for a nap.
Speaker 2 (21:42):
This time, I'm like, if they fucking nap, they nap.
Speaker 4 (21:44):
If they eat, the eat, like, I don't care, And
it's so much more relaxed, Like I think the second.
Speaker 1 (21:48):
Time, you're just like, well, yeah, imagine the third, fourth, fifth,
and sixth.
Speaker 2 (21:51):
Childs raising themselves.
Speaker 1 (21:53):
She come from six. Yes, I'm the youngest of six,
so I was basically reacting like I had a job
when I was like three months old. I was like,
holy shit, I really got to pitch in around here, right,
I mean, talk about neglect. But yeah, my sister always
well I always tell the story of my sister. I'm
sure they are very appreciative of me sharing their personal
lives with the world, but you know, again, I don't
(22:14):
care because they're my stories too. My sister when she
had her third like you know, how they always stick
up like something up their nose. Children, like at some age,
like in school, they stick an eraser in their asshole vagina,
our nose, and my my sister's first kid did it,
and then her last kid did it, and her last
kid did it. She has three was in like, you know,
(22:35):
nursery school and they're like, oh, you know, Seneca has
an eraser stuck in her nose, and Simone was like,
we'll just wait until Monday. You know, it's late on
a Friday, late day, Friday afternoon, like before you're fucking
at the emergency room thinking that they're forging going to
have like, you know, brain damage from a fucking eraser
whatever the hell they stuck up their nose, yes, and
then cut to the third and you're like, whatever, you know, we'll.
Speaker 2 (22:56):
Give it a solid week and then we'll check back in.
Speaker 1 (22:59):
My sister has like a lead pencil in her leg,
one of my sisters, because she like got stabbed with
a pencil and my parents never even she was number
five and they never took her to the hospital so
she could still see the fucking pencil in her leg.
Speaker 4 (23:11):
Isn't that I think I also have that I.
Speaker 1 (23:16):
Cannot be good, all right, Well on stabbing yourself with
pencils and putting erasers in your vagina. But even though
Seneca didn't do that, I just want to say she
put it in her nose. We'll take a break and
we'll be right back with Hunter and McGrady. And we're
back with Hunter McGrady. We are back. Look at how
(23:38):
fucking handsome Doug is standing there like a lion. He
looks like the Lion King. Can you see him? He's
so sweet looking. He's a good dog. He literally came
up and I was like, oh my god, he's just
so like and he's got so much meat, so comforting
to just snuggle with him.
Speaker 3 (23:59):
Okay, Well, our first caller is Abby, and she says,
Dear Chelsea, I'm struggling with my body image. I'm a
thirty four year old woman of color, child free, recently married,
and I have a job I enjoy. For the first time,
I've gained some extra weight, and I'm having a hard
time with everything that comes along with that. I was
an athlete in high school and kept reasonably active in
(24:21):
university and in my twenties.
Speaker 1 (24:23):
My dog died at the.
Speaker 3 (24:24):
Beginning of the year, and I guess I didn't realize
how active he kept me or how hard I took
this very sudden loss. He was my first pet and
really taught me so much. I'm now trying to do
very long walks three to four days a week. I've
been at it all summer, and this week I'm incorporating weights.
I try to make it fun and do active things
with my husband and friends. The problem is I cannot
stop hating what I'm seeing. I also understand that the
(24:46):
weight I've gained is a lot for me, but I
know I'm catastrophizing and I can't stop comparing my body
to other bodies. I see big, small, whatever I'm looking
and I'm thinking, do I look like this person?
Speaker 1 (24:58):
Why don't I look like that person?
Speaker 3 (25:00):
Every time I get dressed for work and something doesn't
fit like it once did, I have a complete meltdown.
My quote baggy jeans have now become the only ones
that fit, and I have to dress nicely for work,
so I enjoy being stylish and put together. I'm noticing
these urges to do unhealthy things in an effort to
lose weight, and it seems easier to try and starve
myself or restrict my eating. This is all taking a
(25:22):
toll on my relationship with my husband. While he has
no issues with my body and is completely supportive of me,
it's the meltdowns and the negative self talk that are
causing conflict for us. How do I stop hating my
body so much? Abby?
Speaker 1 (25:35):
Hi? Abby?
Speaker 4 (25:35):
Hi?
Speaker 1 (25:36):
Abby? Hello? Hi, this is Hunter, our special guest today. Hi.
Speaker 2 (25:42):
You're gorgeous. Oh my goodness, thank you, Thank you.
Speaker 1 (25:46):
Hunter. Do you want to start?
Speaker 4 (25:48):
You know.
Speaker 2 (25:50):
You're not alone. We all are feeling this.
Speaker 4 (25:52):
I think, you know, like I was talking to Chelsea earlier,
how I'm all about body neutrality, right, I think getting
to that place in your body of knowing instead of
seeing your body for the way that it looks. Right.
We're in the age of social media where we see
so many different types of bodies all day long. We
are comparing, you know, our bodies to that we also
(26:15):
have to realize that like phase two exists. I always say, like,
not even the models of the magazines look like the
models of the magazines.
Speaker 2 (26:22):
Trust me, I'm one of them.
Speaker 4 (26:24):
But you know, and also just comparing yourself is just
going to steal so much of your joy. And also
realizing like your body does so much for you. Your
body does so much for you. Thinking of your body
in that manner will just change your life. I had
a therapist tell me at sixteen that change my world.
I've done it every single day since. She told me
(26:47):
to stand in the mirror after showering, look in the
mirror completely naked, slick back your hair, like literally get
down to your stubs, girl, like where you are, no makeup, nothing,
And I want you to have a full blown conversation
with yourself, telling yourself five things that you want to
love about yourself. They're probably not gonna be things that
you actually love about yourself, because for me it was
really hard. I had At first, I thought this is
(27:08):
the dumbest fucking exercise ever because I'm not gonna do it.
But I went home and I was, like, my therapist said,
to do what. I'm gonna give it a try. I
looked in the mirror and I said five things I
wanted to love about myselfs, my hips, my arms. I
had stretch marks. I was sixteen. I had stretch marks
on my inner thighs. I had like ingrown hair bumps
and things like that. I broke down in tears so bad.
(27:32):
But I pushed through and I kept doing that exercise
every single day, And can I tell you Abby, what happened.
Instead of those being things that I wanted to love
about myself, they became things that I did love about
myself because I was telling my brain that I've done
that exercise every single day since. I don't maybe get
(27:52):
down to my stubs now, but I look in my
rear view mirror, my car. My husband at first thought
I was crazy, but now it's it's so natural for
me to say.
Speaker 2 (28:01):
God, I you know what.
Speaker 4 (28:02):
I love those things, And now it's so much deeper,
even than just my bodies. I love my spirit, I
love my soul. I love what I offer to the world.
Speaker 1 (28:08):
Your strength, my strength, your strength of as a woman. Yes,
that is what we need to be thinking about. You're
just being a product of your environment. Like the way
you're thinking is the product of the way we've been
taught to talk about and think about our bodies. And
that's just what we've been fed. So like ye, you
allowing them to rob you of the joy you're First
(28:30):
of all, whatever's happening is temporary, right, Like every situation
we're in is temporary. It's not permanent. If you don't.
If you want to, you know, lose weight, that's fine,
that's okay, But you can't shame yourself for where you
are in the current moment. You're doing things to help
yourself to be stronger, to be healthier. I love that
you're going for long walks. Walking is so fucking good
(28:51):
for you. Weights are so good for you. But you
want to change the framework to being strong, not to
being thin or skinny. You want to be strong like
I'm the strongest I've ever been, and that's all I
care about is my strength. And because of that, I'm
smaller than I've ever been because I'm a huge into
weights and everything. And yes, I have the same issues
(29:12):
we all do about bodies, but I know now that
this whole narrative around women and their bodies doesn't get
to control me and my fucking mood. I'm not going
to have a breakdown because I don't fit into jeans
and there's nothing wrong with that. It's very honest of
you to admit that, but it doesn't have to be
that way.
Speaker 4 (29:28):
Can I give you the best tip for yes when
you when you have a breakdown because jeens don't fit
This is going to be life changing.
Speaker 2 (29:35):
Guys ready by a bigger size.
Speaker 3 (29:38):
Yeah, nothing will make you feel worse than clothes that
don't fit and make.
Speaker 1 (29:43):
You feel awful.
Speaker 2 (29:44):
The number means nothing. You're the only one.
Speaker 1 (29:45):
Who knows what the number in the genes is.
Speaker 5 (29:47):
And I feel like I'm surrounded by it right the
way you described it as being like a steeler.
Speaker 2 (29:52):
Joy is a real thing, you know.
Speaker 5 (29:55):
I described with my letter that you know, a lot
of really great things are happening in my life, but
I feel like I am so distracted. I have to
buy this one thing, so distracted by this like negative
self talk and just like this negative way I however,
looking at myself.
Speaker 1 (30:11):
Well, you just need to get up and write those
ten things down every single day. I want you to
write ten things down every single morning of what's going
well in your life, because I promise you that will
change the channel of the way you're thinking about yourself.
Because we can't miss the moment we're in, and when
we're so preoccupied with the way we look, we miss
all of the good stuff. You know, So you have
to know you're taking steps to get the body that
(30:33):
you are more comfortable in in the meantime, there's no
reason to like self immolate. You can't beat yourself up
about that stuff because it's taking away from all the
other good things in your life. And so a great exercise,
and I've done this. We've had so many people on
the show do this really, like start your gratitude list
every morning and being like, these are the ten things
I'm happy about, and even say I'm on my way
(30:55):
to having the body that I want to have. But
there's no reason to again rob the joy of the
present moment, you know, and look in the mirror and
look how beautiful that is. Look at the strength that
comes from within your body. Like it's not just about
the outside of the body, it's about all the things
that are working inside that give you the strength and
ability to walk around every day, to want to lift weights,
(31:18):
to have clarity of mind. You know, it's just you're
just changing the channel on your conversation with yourself.
Speaker 3 (31:24):
And yeah, another trick that's really helpful is thinking about
how you would speak to your best friend, Like you
would never say to your best friend like, oh my god,
you're tummy is spilling over those jeans, or like your
thighs look really big. Today, or like I hate the
way you look at that. You would never say that
to another person. So when you hear yourself saying that
to yourself, change it around, Like I don't like the
(31:44):
way my tummy looks right now, but like, think about
what your tummy does. It's nourishing you. It's really like
helping you live. There are brain cells in there. But
also there's a sexiness.
Speaker 1 (31:54):
Yeah, when you have a little extra meat on you,
it's fucking hot and it can be sexy if you
think it is going out and getting a bigger sized pant.
You just said yourself, how important is for you to
be stylish at work? Like, if you're hiding yourself, you're
not being stylish right, You're covering up because of the
way you're feeling of insecurity. But if you actually get
(32:14):
the clothes that fits you for this moment that you're
going through in time and feel good about yourself every day,
you're gonna have a different conversation with yourself. And it's
not like you've given up like, oh, now that I
bought these clothes, I'll never get back to the size
that you feel more comfortable in. It's like, no, I've
got a little extra meat on me, that's fucking sexy.
Flaunt it, don't try to hide it, you know, embrace it,
(32:36):
like embrace what's coming your way and like the moment
that you're in, because I feel like that's also a
better way to move through everything.
Speaker 4 (32:45):
And comb through who you're following on Instagram. There are
a lot of girls out there who are different body types,
curvy girls who have so much good style. And get
rid of the people who do not serve you, because
I know, girl, I know you're scroll on social media.
Speaker 1 (33:01):
I know you're scrolling on Instagram and doing.
Speaker 4 (33:03):
All the things, and compare yourself. Get the people who
serve you, who make you feel good. And I bet
your husband likes a little extra curve on you.
Speaker 1 (33:10):
The thing he does. I don't have any complaints about it.
I'm the one catastrophizing all of this, I know, because
of society. But like, lean into that, lean into the
fact that he likes it when you're getting dressed, dressed
for him dress. I mean, I would never say that
unless you were dealing with this issue. But seriously, think
about the sexual like the sexual nature of that. You
(33:32):
know that the husband wants you, you know that he's
turned on by that when you get up and go
to work, get dressed, like it doesn't matter what the
weight is that you are, but to embrace every single
thing you have in that moment, you know, in terms
of your body, Embrace your curves, embrace your hips, embrace
your belly, your breasts, all of it. M absolutely love
yourself up. Yeah you deserve it, Abbie, Yes you do.
Speaker 5 (33:54):
Thank you, Thank you so much.
Speaker 1 (33:56):
Well keep us post it Okay. Absolutely.
Speaker 5 (33:59):
I love the action eye.
Speaker 1 (34:00):
I am going to do that.
Speaker 5 (34:01):
I do journal, so that's something I can kind of
work into it. And I like the idea of, you know,
thinking about the things that I'm grateful, because there really
is a lot, Like there's so much. It's just that
I feel like I have my blinders on when I'm
only seeing, you know, this one thing, or fixating I
guess on this one things up.
Speaker 1 (34:21):
Thank you so much, so thank you again.
Speaker 4 (34:25):
A fine.
Speaker 1 (34:26):
But you know there's something that happens too.
Speaker 3 (34:29):
I know for me it happened during as for a
lot of people, it happened during the pandemic where our bodies,
especially when we go through a loss like she did
with her dog. You know, maybe that she's not walking
as much as she was before, but also maybe that
her body is trying to put on this like extra
layer of protection and comfort around her. I know that
that's like something that I've experienced in my life during
(34:49):
harder times. And you know, I like that you said
that it can be temporary, like she may gain weight,
she may lose weight, but you know, she has to
learn to love herself right now where she's at.
Speaker 4 (34:59):
Well, I think we put so so much emphasis on
it as a society, right, like as a plus size model.
If I'm on the cover of anything besides Sports Illustrated,
it was the first time I was on the cover
of anything where they didn't mention my body. It's usually
you know, Hunter McGrady talks about how you know she's
so comfortable in her body. Anytime there's an article written,
I'm like, that's the least important thing about me.
Speaker 1 (35:20):
That's it's just such a stupid thing to comment on,
Like it shouldn't even be a plus size model. It
should just be a model. Whoever's a model is a model,
and then you see a picture of them and then
you can interpret that however you want and see however
you want. But to have to qualify because what's the
opposite of a plus size model.
Speaker 4 (35:35):
Oh here's what any comedian, Chelsea Handler, everyone take a
round of a plot.
Speaker 1 (35:42):
That'd be such a weird way to say. Yeah, I
know that my whole I know that I've been able
to shift my mindset around weight because when you just
said called me skinny, that wasn't a compliment to me.
I do love that you're saying that like that. I
don't want to be that, you know what I mean?
And I wanted to be that my whole life is.
I wanted to be skinny and thin so that people
(36:04):
thought I had an eating disorder. I thought that would
make me happy, and I don't want that. I want
to be strong. That's like I just might. Ben Bruno
just got me new weights because I left and I
don't lift, but I sound like I'm from New Jersey
because I am. But but he got me thirty pound
weights and it's like, Oh, that's a victory that I'm
using thirty pounds. I'm doing bicep curls with thirty pounds,
(36:27):
Like that's fucking hardcore. Ye, That's what I'm excited about now,
And I'm so glad I just had that reaction to
being called skinny because I was like, no, I'm not skinny,
I'm fit. Oh I love that we're like we're breakthrough
and so I know I've reframed my brain around it.
And even when I have gained five or seven pounds,
for me, it is about my mental clarity is the
(36:49):
most important thing. But when I put on five or
seven pounds, I do not have the same reaction I
used to have. I actually do go, oh, you're a
little bigger girl right now, you know, show your booty,
now you have a show it off. I do embrace
it in a different way. So I just feel like
we can all do a little bit better about ourselves.
Speaker 4 (37:06):
Absolutely, And like I said to Abby, like comb through
your social media whoever it's not serving you, like get
just mute them, block whatever you have to do, because
we are all whether we like it.
Speaker 2 (37:17):
Or not, we're all on it all day long.
Speaker 1 (37:18):
Well, and it does help.
Speaker 3 (37:19):
I know for me, it really helped me like finally
accept like my body and what my body looks like
and also like why my body is sexy and beautiful
by following women who looked like me who looks sexy
and beautiful on Instagram, it took a while, but then
one day.
Speaker 1 (37:35):
It was like, oh, I get it.
Speaker 2 (37:37):
Yeah, it really is powerful.
Speaker 3 (37:43):
Well, this is a little bit more on bodies, but
I kind of wanted to get the other side of
the coin of how to have these conversations within family
and especially, I know, having kids. This is something you've
said you would never speak negatively about your body in
front of your kids, So this question comes from Whitney.
Whitney says, Dear Chelsea, my mom has criticized me about
(38:04):
my weight since I was a child. She's never accepted
me for me, even at my thinnest, a whopping one
hundred and twenty pounds in high school, the comments and
bullying continued. I've never stuck up for myself when these
comments are made.
Speaker 1 (38:15):
No one has.
Speaker 3 (38:17):
I'm now thirty three years old and I've become an
aunt to my three month old niece. My brother has family,
and I went back to my parents' house for a
long weekend. My mom began making comments to my niece,
her granddaughter. She said how she needs to work on
her waistline because her shorts don't fit, and how fat
her legs are, you know, like we do like a
little chunky leg baby to a growing ass baby. I
got up and walked away. These comments triggered so much
(38:40):
for me, and I have not talked to my mom
since the trip. I'm ready to talk to my mom
after all these years of abuse. My niece cannot be
another victim of this kind of perfect good. How do
I talk to her in a way that she'll hear
me and stop perpetuating the cycle.
Speaker 1 (38:52):
Write a letter? Yes, I totally agree with that. Yeah,
write a letter and start from the very beginning. These
are the memories of the things that you've said to
me about my body, like your first imprint, your first
memory of her saying that, and list multiple examples, and
then describe how that made you feel. And this isn't
an angry letter, this is you. Clearly, she clearly has
(39:16):
no idea the impact of her words. Yeah, she has
no idea how damaging this is. And you are never
going to let her do this to another person.
Speaker 4 (39:26):
Yeah, I think that's brilliant. I also think, like you're
now a grown woman, set those boundaries and tell her sister,
who is the mother of her niece, these are boundaries.
We can talk about anything. We can't talk about this
that's off the table, no questions asked, do not bring
it up. I think that that's so important. I think
as we're seeing the generations like our parents, that was
(39:48):
so something they talked about, right, like don't eat that
eat handful of almonds, Like now they call them all
my moms. Like set that boundary. We're not talking about
that mom.
Speaker 1 (39:58):
And I think as you.
Speaker 3 (39:58):
Go into writing this, leve better have a moment where
you realize, like, this was how your mom was talked
to and have a little bit of empathy for that,
and like as you go into it, so you can
release some of that anger.
Speaker 1 (40:11):
When I say you're never going to allow that to
happen to your niece, I mean that is advice to you.
That is something that you need to tell your mother.
I mean you can say that to your mother, but
you don't have to say it in that kind of language.
You exactly go into this knowing that your mother didn't
know better, and you are going to be the tool
to help her understand how to better behave in the
future and what the impact of those negative words can
(40:33):
have on someone's body image.
Speaker 4 (40:35):
Yeah, and also good on you for having the wherewithal
to know that, right, like to know that. This really
messed me up, and I don't want that for my niece.
Like that, Whitney, You've already grown so much from breaking
that cycle and that trauma.
Speaker 1 (40:51):
Yeah. Absolutely, Yeah, and so called a cycle breaker. I
like the breaker. Yeah, cycle breaker, when you break the
cycle within your family. Yeah, that's what you need to do.
Speaker 2 (41:01):
Yeah, you're going to be it with me. I love that.
Speaker 3 (41:03):
Yeah, okay, great, Well, our next question is kind of
a toughie. This comes from Colton. He says, Dear Chelsea,
A few months ago, my little brother died by suicide.
I'm twenty seven and hey was twenty As a gay
man from a very small conservative town, I've put some
distance between.
Speaker 1 (41:22):
Myself and where I grew up. I have a little
sister who's.
Speaker 3 (41:24):
A teenager, and her and my mom are very much
struggling with the loss of my brother. She doesn't know
how to cope and doesn't want to share her feelings
or emotions, at least with me. How can I support
them and care for them when I don't live close
and Chelsea, I'd love your insight on being a young
girl losing their older brother. Am I right to push
her to confide in me and open up about her emotions.
I'm still trying to navigate the grieving process myself while
(41:46):
trying to move on with.
Speaker 1 (41:47):
My own life.
Speaker 3 (41:49):
I adore my family and want to be around for them,
but I also still need to work on figuring out
my own identity, and that includes putting more distance between
me and my negative small town childhood ps. My younger
brother and I. I would watch Chelsea Lately all the time.
He was probably too young, but those are memories, all
cherished forever. Any feedback is greatly appreciated.
Speaker 1 (42:07):
Colton. I think whatever you can do to get your
sister to start talking, whether it's I don't know if
you can afford getting her her own therapist or setting
something up for her online. But like, forget about you
having to create distance between you and your family and
that small town. That's a separate issue. We're just talking
about your brother's death right now, and that doesn't require
(42:27):
you to even be there in person to go back home.
That just requires you to keep a dialogue going with
your sister, and that is something that you have to
do for her mental health in order to get her
to start talking, because this will only fester and manifest
in her life in a negative way if she doesn't
get the conversation going. So you have to just kind
(42:50):
of be tireless in your efforts to engage with her
about your brother and to possibly, if you guys can
afford it, start seeing a therapist. And even if that's
something that you do on a zoom with her for
like grief counseling, like you only have to do this
ten times with me, you know what I mean. You
just have to open the door so that she can
(43:11):
begin the conversation and then you can either hop out
of that or you guys can do it together as
a family, which I think would probably be really healing.
I mean, there's individual grief and then there's familial grief,
and you want to be able to be well versed
in both of those things. But if you don't push
your sister, you're older and wiser, so you have a
responsibility to really try to get in there. And it
(43:34):
doesn't have to be aggressive. It can be like a soft,
safe place, you know whatever. I don't know her personality,
but I know how rigid I became when my brother died.
I refuse to talk about it because I wasn't allowed
to be vulnerable. I couldn't allow myself the vulnerability, and
I didn't want to be I didn't want to allow
myself to cry. It was embarrassing. I felt crying was embarrassing, embarrassing, embarrassing, embarrassing.
(43:56):
So like, you just have to create a space and
a dialogue between the two of you where she knows
she can come there, where she can be vulnerable and
she can cry, And it might require you to be
vulnerable to her first.
Speaker 4 (44:09):
Well I think that, yeah, exactly, being vulnerable first, being like, listen,
I feel very sad about this.
Speaker 2 (44:14):
I'm really struggling. How are you feeling? You know?
Speaker 4 (44:18):
And even it doesn't even have to maybe be super
sad at first. It could be, Hey, you know what
I've been thinking about sonzel, Let's do something together to
celebrate him, maybe like mom takes you out for ice
cream today, we could FaceTime while we eat it. Let's
do something that he loved to do, and really just
celebrate him. You know. If the emotional is hard, because
it is. And did he say she was thirteen? Yeah,
(44:39):
that's so, that's so young.
Speaker 1 (44:41):
You're still in such an important age. It is such
an important age because she's about to burst into womanhood. Yeah,
she's going through puberty. You know, she's adolescent. Yeah, so
she But it's such an important age to actually build
these skills and tools right.
Speaker 4 (44:56):
Now and say it's okay to be emotional, like you said,
like crying is not a embarrassing and crying is like listen,
we all do it, and like you said, don't apologize
for it. And I think her learning that at this
age will be yeah, massively important. And grief therapy. Oh
I think insurance should cover some of that as well.
Speaker 3 (45:14):
Oh yeah, with grief therapy if he has if there's
a way to have her or her and your mom
come to visit you so like you don't have to
go to a place that's triggering, but like maybe it's
just your sister, and it's like that's a pretty big
age gap, like fourteen years. It's hard to know what
to say to somebody who's fourteen years younger than you.
But even giving her something to look forward to that's
(45:34):
a month or two down the road of like I'm
going to see my like cool gay brother and whatever
somebody lives in. Having that to look forward to I
think can be really helpful in addition.
Speaker 1 (45:42):
To the therapy.
Speaker 3 (45:44):
And then also like not feeling like you have to
talk about it right away, you know, give it a
day or two and before you bring it up while
you're doing inactivity whatever it is.
Speaker 1 (45:52):
Yeah, And when I'm saying be aggressive or be persistent,
I don't mean to hammer her, Like you don't want
to hammer because then people will get turned off. But
you have to like create a path of vulnerability between
the two of you so that at least she thinks
she has a confidante in you. At least she'll know.
Speaker 4 (46:08):
Yeah, like chickens, Hey, how you doing today? You know,
But that's exactly it. It's that consistency is so important.
Speaker 1 (46:14):
Like no one did that with me. Yeah, everyone was
in their own grief, so no one came and said,
we need you to talk about it. And when they
did try to talk about it later, too much time
had passed. So I was like, oh no, no, that
that shut we star. I don't talk about that anymore.
I won't talk to my mom would be like, don't
you miss your brother? And I would leave the room.
I'm like, you don't get to talk to me about
(46:34):
my brother.
Speaker 4 (46:35):
That's a lot. You have your grief and then you
have the secondary grief. Of Okay, my parents just lost somebody,
and for nine years old. You know, I don't blame
you for having a scar over that wound and being
like I'm all set, don't open it please. That was
painful enough, you know. Do you feel like that with
your family too?
Speaker 1 (46:56):
I mean I would, I would turn the question. I
mean yeah, it was devis stating to see my parents
so devastated.
Speaker 2 (47:02):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (47:03):
So with my dad, I was disappointed in him for
not being able to get it together. Yeah, and my
mom I felt so badly for But my mom was
able to get it together sooner, so it was easier
to watch than my father's basically emotional demise after my brother.
Speaker 2 (47:19):
That's its own grief.
Speaker 1 (47:20):
Well, but I would actually turn the question back to you, like,
how is it at now that you're older, seeing your
parents grief? Yeah, it is.
Speaker 4 (47:27):
It is its own grief. It's its own grief, for sure.
It's so many layers. I think with grief, it's the
grief my kids don't have their uncle around. It's the
grief of seeing my parents, the sibling loss. Sibling loss
in our society is not really talked about.
Speaker 2 (47:42):
It's really not. It's very it's its own thing.
Speaker 4 (47:46):
Also, I think that back to Colton, like maybe saying
to her, like, just so you know, people say, oh,
there's five stages to grief.
Speaker 2 (47:53):
That's bullshit.
Speaker 4 (47:54):
There's like so many stages. Saying it's okay if you
feel angry, little sister, it's okay, if you feel sad,
it's okay to laugh to by the way, like it's
okay to to if that helps you cope, Just saying
it's okay to feel these things, you know.
Speaker 1 (48:07):
I wish there was a good book to give her
at thirteen. I'm trying to think of what a good
book on grief is, but I'm coming up empty handed.
I haven't read a book on grief. Yea, all I
keep thinking about is Joan Didion's book. But that's not
good for a thirteen year old.
Speaker 2 (48:18):
Yeah, but it's a good book.
Speaker 1 (48:19):
Yeah, yeah, Well.
Speaker 3 (48:20):
Why don't we have listeners write in and if you
have suggestions, we'll pass them along to Colton.
Speaker 1 (48:25):
Good idea?
Speaker 3 (48:26):
Yeah, yeah, Well, why don't we take our last break
and we'll come back to wrap up.
Speaker 1 (48:30):
I have a question that's very specific for Hunter. Also, Okay,
we're going to take a break, a Hunter and I
are going to take a bath, and we'll be right back.
And we're back.
Speaker 2 (48:43):
We are back.
Speaker 3 (48:44):
Now, this question, at first, Blush doesn't seem like something
that you would ask the supermodel Lush, Sure, but I
know the gun reform is something you've been really passionate about.
And the yeah, yeah, you're going to the White House, right, Yeah,
it's very exciting. Yeah, very exciting, which brings me to
the question, So Alicia says, and she's actually written in
a couple of times, so I'm glad that you're here.
Speaker 1 (49:05):
To talk about this.
Speaker 3 (49:06):
Alicia says, Dear Chelsea, I'm a twenty nine year old
female married to a thirty year old male. He's in
the army and I'm in sports medicine. I don't like guns.
I believe the world will be safer without them. And he,
on the other hand, wants multiple guns and stated I
will have an AR fifteen. I did let him get
a handgun because he's been robbed and feel safer with
a gun. I do not feel safe living with an
(49:28):
AR fifteen in the house or multiple guns. I do
have a history of self harm and mental illness, so
that makes me very cautious around weapons.
Speaker 1 (49:35):
My husband says, it's controlling that I will not live
in a house with more than one gun. I'm controlling
your safety.
Speaker 3 (49:42):
I do not want even one, but he wants one
for protection, so he got one. Now he says he
wants more and to collect them. How am I being unreasonable,
Alicia Ude, Yeah, you're being reasonable.
Speaker 1 (49:53):
You're a woman.
Speaker 4 (49:54):
What woman wants guns around? Right, and with a history
of self harm? This is a no brainer. This is
get a new model breaker, get a new fucking hobby. Yeah,
I get a new hobby. You're not being unreasonable. My husband, Yeah,
I get a new husband exactly. That's ridiculous.
Speaker 1 (50:12):
That's not like, that's not an issue that someone feels
so passionately about in the way that like I need
more guns to make me feel better, I want to
collect them.
Speaker 4 (50:20):
That's unreasonable. It's not like I don't like cats. Don't
get a cat. It's like, this is my you could,
this is right my safety.
Speaker 1 (50:27):
Huh.
Speaker 4 (50:28):
The Go Say Act is basically the act that needs
to be signed to reinstate a ban on assault weapons.
We don't fucking need air fifteens, we don't need access
to them. It is a law that was already passed
from nineteen ninety four to two thousand and four, and
the moment it stopped, you can.
Speaker 1 (50:46):
Look at all the stats.
Speaker 4 (50:49):
Everything started to rise up as far as like mass
shootings and stuff. As a mother, first and foremost, I
every single day I'm worried about my son going to
school because you look at history and what these people
are using. They're using air fifteens. Nobody needs access to
an air fifteen unless you are in combat. There's there's
(51:10):
no need for it. And again, this is a nonpartisan organization,
so it's not saying, oh, we're banning the Second Amendment,
we're banning your right to bear arms. I grew up
with my dad, who was a hunter. We were taught
gun safety, we were taught all those things. But nobody
needs access on air fifteen. It's so fucking stupid.
Speaker 3 (51:27):
Yeah, and it's you know, like you were saying, an
air fifteen is used for one thing, and that's an
act of war. That's not something you need in your household.
Speaker 1 (51:34):
I actually got.
Speaker 4 (51:35):
Into an argument over this with a guy on DMS,
and you know, he was.
Speaker 1 (51:38):
Like, but I use him for hunting. It's so great
for hunting.
Speaker 4 (51:40):
I was like, get a better aim, get a better aim,
and he was like, too shake, because I'm like, if
that's really what you're going to use it for, I.
Speaker 1 (51:48):
Mean, is that how you hunt? By taking a fucking
sawed off shotgun into the fucking woods right and spraying
bullets right? Exactly? You're not a very good hunter then, right.
Oh my god, any argument about a semi automatic weapon
makes me sick to my stomach. I can't even believe
people think that they need something like that self protect
(52:08):
I know.
Speaker 3 (52:09):
All right, So I would say, Alicia, I think this
is a deal breaker. If he really feels like he
needs that, then I don't think he needs to have
you in his life.
Speaker 4 (52:18):
This is like one of those ones where I would say,
give him an ultimatum. Yeah, if you really feel so
strongly about that, then Cyanara, yep.
Speaker 1 (52:28):
Okay, we're going to wrap up. But your podcast with
your sister, I also want to mention before we leave
is really fun for listeners and you guys love doing
it together.
Speaker 4 (52:38):
Yes, it's called the Model Citizen Podcast. We drop every Thursday.
We talk about everything, like we are here to talk
about everything from sex to.
Speaker 2 (52:48):
We get deep into listen.
Speaker 4 (52:50):
There's nothing off limits basically, right, Like, it's just it's
girlfriends hanging out talking about the things that no one
wants to talk about out in the world, and we're
very bold and brazen with it and it is so
much fun.
Speaker 3 (53:01):
Yeah, and you're doing this series right now that's like
self Love Summer Summer.
Speaker 2 (53:04):
Of self Love.
Speaker 4 (53:05):
Yeah. We've had some amazing guests on basically saying like,
what are some tools that we can use in our
own personal toolbox to love ourselves a little bit better?
Speaker 1 (53:15):
Like how can we do this?
Speaker 4 (53:16):
And again we touch on subjects like how can we
do that in bed, like with our partners, how can
we do that in life? How can we We've had
fitness experts on how can we get into the gym
without feeling shamed for wanting to go to the gym
and be better? And it really kind of delves into
so many different aspects of our life. And it's been
really really cool that now we're kind of also going
(53:38):
to go into the.
Speaker 2 (53:38):
Fall with it since it's got such a great response.
Speaker 1 (53:41):
Awesome, Yeah, thank you, fun, Thank.
Speaker 4 (53:45):
You so much, ladies, This is so much fun.
Speaker 1 (53:46):
Thank you so much, And well you'll hear us again
next week. Goodbye. Okay, So upcoming shows that I have
you guys, I'm coming to Texas. I'm coming to Saint
Louis and Kansas City, and then I will be in
Las Vegas performing at the Chelsea Theater inside the Cosmopolitan Hotel.
My first three dates in Vegas are September first, Labor
(54:08):
Day weekend, and then November two and November thirtieth. I'm
coming to Brooklyn, New York, at the King's Theater on
November eighth, and I have tickets on sale throughout the
end of the year in December, so if you're in
a city like Philadelphia or Bethlehem, or San Diego or
New Orleans or Omaha, check Chelseahandler dot com for tickets.
Speaker 3 (54:30):
Okay, if you'd like advice from Chelsea, shoot us an
email at Dear Chelsea podcast at gmail dot com and
be sure to include your phone number. Dear Chelsea is
edited and engineered by Brad Dickert executive producer Catherine Law
and be sure to check out our merch at Chelseahandler
dot com.
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