Episode 1: A Weekend in the Country

When aspiring writer James Wilson stumbles on a murder, he investigates the gaggle of gays who may have killed his boss, director Vandy Monroe III.

 

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:14):
What the hell?

Speaker 2 (00:15):
What?

Speaker 1 (00:17):
Everybody relaxed?

Speaker 3 (00:20):
Touch that pain?

Speaker 1 (00:21):
Is that a body?

Speaker 4 (00:24):
It's Fandy, dang dog?

Speaker 5 (00:27):
The bitch is dead, Disgustice, How are y'all a poof
when I'm nervous?

Speaker 4 (00:35):
And I'm nervous, when a poof?

Speaker 6 (00:37):
Just the way?

Speaker 3 (00:38):
It is?

Speaker 7 (00:41):
Welcome, dear listener, what you just heard was a murder.

Speaker 1 (00:47):
That's right.

Speaker 7 (00:48):
Death finds us all sooner or later. Oh yes, he
she they do. I should, however, correct myself. You did
not ear witness a murder, per se. What you heard
was the discovery of a body, and not just anybody,
mine Vandy Jeremiah Monroe, the third, your narrator from the beyond?

(01:11):
Who am I? You ask? Or rather who was? I?
A director? Philanthropist, lover, fighter, dreamer and very fucking gay?
My ouvra has been dissected in film schools and more importantly,
film blogs. My biggest success was Called Which, which a
sapphic love story set during the Salem Bitch Trials, and

(01:33):
my first film, Give a Dog a Boner, is about
a demonic Dashian who terrorizes the senior citizen community in
New Jersey. Recently, my work had fallen out of favor.
Oh who am I kidding? I haven't had a hit
since Veronica's Closet was on the air. But I had
a plan for my comeback, A movie musical called All
About Steve, a remake of All About Eve, only gayer

(01:57):
and with angel. People would respect me again. Jim Parsons
would return my calls. I could smell the oscars, or
at least the racist golden globes. Only in the weeks
before my demise, I started to receive threatening calls, emails,
and letters saying things like You're about to die, Andy,
sleep with your eyes open, peek a boo, I'm gonna

(02:19):
kill you, etc.

Speaker 8 (02:20):
Et cetera.

Speaker 7 (02:22):
Then the ante was upped. A bullet grazed me during
my morning stroll. A toxic mushroom made its way into
my darling dog's dinner bowl. R Ip, Jessica, that's not all.
A massacred rabbit and spooky photo of Glenn clothes were
left at my door, along with the original Broadway cast
recording of the musical Taboo. Shit was getting real, so

(02:43):
I invited my best friends aka my mortal enemies, each
of whom had a reason to want me. Disappeared to
my Hudson Valley home for the weekend. My plan was
to catch whoever was after me once and for all,
but clearly I failed. The question, dear listener, is not
who died like I said it me. No, the question

(03:07):
is why and by whom? And what were they wearing?
And who were they wearing? There's more confusion surrounding my
death than there is about Ryan Murphy's success. Is he
really that talented or just remarkably overpaid? Allegedly? In dissecting
my big gay murder, I have two goals. To name

(03:29):
my killer and to entertain. Do you know that song
from Gypsy? Let me entertain? Yell? It's sung by a
child who turns into a whore, and now by me. Well,
just a sample. We can't afford the rights moving on.
Every good murder has a suspect or ten. Mine is

(03:51):
no exception. Let me introduce you to the possibilities. First,
my husband, Reginald Divine, a part time artist, full time wiccan.
Who's really introducing No one knows how old Reginald is,
not even me. He just keeps getting younger. He credits
vampire facials and Kale's smoothies, but I'm not so sure.

(04:14):
Did I love him. Could he have murdered me?

Speaker 3 (04:18):
Absolutely, I'm Reginald Divine, I'm here, I'm queer now past
the sunscreen. No, I'm not kidding. I'm like an SPM
seventy and that's at night.

Speaker 7 (04:32):
Then we have my neighbor, Henry Jacobs, an award losing
interior designer. Henry has a passion for wallpaper and is
obsessed with Harry Potter books in a way that I
find unhealthy, especially these days.

Speaker 9 (04:45):
I'm Henry Jacobs and I'm gay about a Cadavra Sweetheart.

Speaker 7 (04:51):
Jacques Saint Cox, a British porn star with the dick
the size of an egg plant and the brain the
size of an egg Alla Mite, Jock Saint.

Speaker 1 (05:02):
Butthole Dehey.

Speaker 7 (05:04):
Madame Moon and Polly Barker, a cabaret duo who've been
performing together longer than both acts of the Inheritance. Polly's
preferred method of communication is the piano, while Moon can
be a bit dim bossy.

Speaker 2 (05:19):
Introduce yourself, Polly, use your words.

Speaker 4 (05:25):
I'm Polly Barker.

Speaker 2 (05:26):
And I am Madam Moon, drag queen extraordinaire. I have
a voice like a siren, and not the kind on
cop cars.

Speaker 7 (05:37):
My longtime chef tush Van Munch, a German Jew. He
escaped the Nazis by promising them blowjobs only once they
drop their tight Nazi pants. You bet their dicks off.

Speaker 1 (05:50):
Shameya.

Speaker 6 (05:51):
I'm gay.

Speaker 7 (05:52):
Last and certainly least. Kelly Raymon and Flanagan Air other
Raymon and Flanagan Fortune.

Speaker 4 (05:59):
I may be letter, pack a lot of punch and
the bottomise always on top.

Speaker 7 (06:04):
Kelly is annoying and farts a lot.

Speaker 4 (06:08):
Excuse me kill her er.

Speaker 7 (06:10):
Do not let them fool you, dear listener. All these
homosexuals are suspects. Oh, I almost forgot. There's another voice.
You'll hear our series straight Man, except he's gay. He
lives it, or rather on my generous estate, in a
small cabin by the road, under the power lines, near
the septic tank. James Wilson, my caretaker and handyman, though

(06:36):
apparently he's gag a writer. He took the job to
pay off his student loans from Tish, which everyone knows
will never ever be paid off because NYU is crazy expensive.
I hired him to outfit my mansion with hidden recording devices.
Not only that, I left instructions on what to do
if I was murdered. He's to bring my killer to

(06:59):
justice like a cool Perrow or Miss Marple if they
were massive epic fags. Now that you know the players,
let's begin the game. Miss Sherlock Holmes once said, is
a foot and this bitch is wearing heels in a
house on him?

Speaker 1 (07:20):
Who lives a.

Speaker 4 (07:21):
Gay and his plans want him dead?

Speaker 10 (07:24):
Ride wise, someone wants to kill him even though it's wrong.
Thinks the world is manner of many is born. It's
him very closely with your eas see if you can
gam so which one of his queens maybe is the killer?

Speaker 4 (07:49):
Who is the killer?

Speaker 1 (07:52):
Who did it?

Speaker 4 (07:55):
Who wanted dead?

Speaker 1 (07:58):
Who did he?

Speaker 7 (08:00):
Who creptain?

Speaker 4 (08:01):
Is bad? Who didn't?

Speaker 1 (08:05):
Was it you?

Speaker 7 (08:07):
Was it mean?

Speaker 4 (08:08):
Who could it be? Who didn't?

Speaker 7 (08:13):
They're drupping like flies?

Speaker 4 (08:16):
Who didn't?

Speaker 10 (08:18):
These guys are like guys who didn't?

Speaker 1 (08:23):
Was it you? Wasn't me?

Speaker 4 (08:26):
Who could it be?

Speaker 11 (08:28):
Does this word make me look?

Speaker 1 (08:55):
Hello? Hello?

Speaker 4 (09:04):
Was lack of brother to me?

Speaker 1 (09:06):
He decimated you at dinner?

Speaker 5 (09:08):
I know his emotional abuse reminds me of home.

Speaker 1 (09:13):
Someone please make shop brother? What should we do? Reginald?
Call the police? Excuse me?

Speaker 5 (09:24):
Oh my god, it's the killer.

Speaker 1 (09:27):
No I'm not. I'm James Wilson, caretaker of the estate.

Speaker 9 (09:31):
Hmm, that job sounds homophobic.

Speaker 1 (09:34):
I live in the house by the gate near the road.

Speaker 9 (09:37):
Oh that's a house.

Speaker 4 (09:39):
It's the size of a thimble. I thought it was
the church for spiders.

Speaker 1 (09:43):
I used to live in the city, so to me,
it's an upgrade. I went to Nyu. Oh, you poor thing.

Speaker 5 (09:49):
You must be up to your fat nipples and stint loans.

Speaker 1 (09:52):
I am. That's why I work here, Reginald. Is this true?

Speaker 7 (09:57):
I suppose he does look familiar.

Speaker 12 (09:59):
I watch you change at night from my binoculars. I mean,
I've watched stars at night.

Speaker 7 (10:04):
If you smile eyes, yes, you're the stable boy.

Speaker 1 (10:08):
What did you say you did? I heard screaming, so
I ran over.

Speaker 7 (10:11):
The is dead.

Speaker 1 (10:14):
Dead The old man was right.

Speaker 7 (10:17):
I beg your heart on, come again, I.

Speaker 13 (10:19):
Can so soon after the first time.

Speaker 1 (10:22):
Oh you weren't talking to me, were you? How did
Vandy die?

Speaker 4 (10:26):
We don't know.

Speaker 5 (10:27):
I saw hom in bed with blood everywhere, and did
Moon fall asleep?

Speaker 4 (10:35):
Polly? Wake her up?

Speaker 2 (10:40):
Where am I Moon?

Speaker 4 (10:42):
There's been a murder. How can you retired at time
like this?

Speaker 2 (10:46):
I'm an insomniac, so I take loads of pills at night. Hush,
I'm groggy, tush, Dear, make some coffee.

Speaker 1 (10:57):
Got me right? Wait, no one move? Is everyone here
an accounting for I'm afraid so then it's probable, more
than probable. Actually, then, whoever killed Vandy is in this
very room.

Speaker 4 (11:14):
Oh my god, storry about that?

Speaker 1 (11:17):
Does anyone have reception?

Speaker 4 (11:19):
Reception? Reception for what?

Speaker 1 (11:21):
What about a landline?

Speaker 3 (11:22):
We haven't had a landline since nineteen ninety seven, so
no fons.

Speaker 1 (11:27):
Or no internet? How do you know?

Speaker 12 (11:30):
Earlier I was trying to download one of Jacques's porndoflicks and.

Speaker 9 (11:33):
Never mind, we believe you did move for all asleep again?

Speaker 2 (11:38):
Ow who pinched me?

Speaker 12 (11:40):
I've never met someone who can sleep for so much noise.
I survived the camps.

Speaker 5 (11:46):
Oh, I went to summer camp too, all us boys
sharing a bunk a bathroom A bad man.

Speaker 1 (11:55):
Am not talking about summer camp.

Speaker 12 (11:57):
I am talking about bless you.

Speaker 1 (12:02):
It's probably just the allergies. Reginalds, you must be in
a state of absolute shock. Not really.

Speaker 3 (12:09):
You didn't know Vandy very well, did you?

Speaker 1 (12:11):
I thought I did. Listen everyone I know, Reginald and Toush.
But maybe the rest of you can catch me up
to speed, tell me your names and your relationship.

Speaker 6 (12:20):
It ish shit.

Speaker 13 (12:21):
We're supposed to sit around and walk wait to get
killed too while we play some fucking name game.

Speaker 4 (12:27):
Nah, I'm out.

Speaker 9 (12:28):
I find that homophobic.

Speaker 3 (12:30):
You can't go around accusing gay men of being homophobic.

Speaker 1 (12:34):
Please can we get back.

Speaker 5 (12:35):
I'm Kelly Raymor and Flanagan of the Raymre and Flanagan Empire.
I'm friends with Vandy from back in the day.

Speaker 4 (12:41):
We used to go clubbing together. Oh not to the bars.

Speaker 5 (12:43):
We'd bring actual clubs to the pier and hit straight
people with them. And honestly, there's no way the killer
is still here.

Speaker 6 (12:50):
No theory.

Speaker 1 (12:50):
Bob, who is Bob names? Please?

Speaker 2 (12:54):
Madam Moon Chantus of the Stage Musical Contaret.

Speaker 12 (12:59):
I've seen your in province down next to the lobster pot.

Speaker 2 (13:03):
Fabular praise is a gift I kindly accept now. Like
I said, who's Bob?

Speaker 4 (13:10):
Oh nobody?

Speaker 5 (13:10):
It's an expression like he could eat corn through a
picket fence, or you can't make a silk purse out
of a sow's ear.

Speaker 2 (13:17):
Silk purse corn picket fence? Can someone translate.

Speaker 12 (13:23):
He's saying Vandy was probably attacked by an intruder who
already flies.

Speaker 1 (13:29):
You think someone broke in during a storm, It does
seem unlikely. The snow is coming down hard.

Speaker 2 (13:38):
I bet Jock knows a thing or two about coming
down hard.

Speaker 13 (13:42):
Actually I do. I've won four a v and Awards
Adult Video News. It's basically the oscar is a fucking
I score best tease, best back of head, skanky aest vibe,
and weirdest tongue. Do you want to see.

Speaker 3 (14:02):
Terrible?

Speaker 7 (14:03):
Let me see that again.

Speaker 5 (14:04):
An lgbt Q I a square to the tenth power
could not have committed this crime.

Speaker 4 (14:08):
Queer people use words, not weapons when those don't work.

Speaker 5 (14:12):
Maybe we do push people down the stairs, but never
knaves or guns.

Speaker 7 (14:16):
What about Jeffrey Dahmer or Hitler?

Speaker 4 (14:20):
Hitler was gay?

Speaker 7 (14:21):
It's a grass green does Ben Platt's vibrado vabble.

Speaker 1 (14:25):
I've had enough. I'm leaving. I can't allow you to
do that. So on what a prisoner?

Speaker 6 (14:33):
He played one before I saw it.

Speaker 1 (14:35):
I can't remember the title though.

Speaker 13 (14:38):
It's a hardcock life that stuffun Oh.

Speaker 12 (14:41):
Yes, it's all coming back to me now. You have
a real very thrusting you're a fan.

Speaker 6 (14:47):
It's impossible to choose between West Side hoary and pulp function,
Oh and all that, Jez, don't cry.

Speaker 2 (15:03):
It's just so sad about Vandy, isn't it, Polly? I said,
isn't it? Polly?

Speaker 1 (15:13):
Yes?

Speaker 4 (15:13):
Awful, horrible.

Speaker 1 (15:16):
I'm sorry you are.

Speaker 2 (15:18):
He's my accompanimist, Polly. He doesn't talk much.

Speaker 4 (15:24):
Say something, Polly Moon, I don't.

Speaker 7 (15:28):
I don't enjoy it.

Speaker 1 (15:29):
I don't have anything to wait.

Speaker 4 (15:33):
Is that Broadway and Disney legend?

Speaker 7 (15:36):
Lay us a long?

Speaker 4 (15:38):
Did someone leave a record on?

Speaker 3 (15:39):
No, it's just the pipes, you know, these old houses
are upstairs. Toilet sounds like Bernadette Peterson smells like it
in a turn.

Speaker 1 (15:46):
Black as thrilling as this conversation is, I'd like to
question you all. What are you?

Speaker 3 (15:51):
Are you a cop?

Speaker 1 (15:53):
No? But someone has to get to the bottom of this.

Speaker 4 (15:56):
Me I'm a bottom.

Speaker 1 (15:58):
We know.

Speaker 4 (15:59):
Why should we trust you?

Speaker 1 (16:01):
James?

Speaker 9 (16:02):
You live in an art house, which I find deeply homophobic.
What of you're the killer?

Speaker 1 (16:09):
I wasn't going to do this, but here.

Speaker 7 (16:13):
If you're listening to this, then my greatest fear has
come to pass. And no, it's not winning a second
Razzie Award or McDonald's running out of cheese.

Speaker 1 (16:22):
I've been murdered.

Speaker 3 (16:24):
Wait a minute, I don't believe this. Vandy left that
voice memo for.

Speaker 1 (16:29):
You more than one actually.

Speaker 4 (16:32):
So Vandy knew he'd get off. That doesn't mean that
one of us did it.

Speaker 7 (16:37):
Keep listening, murdered by one of you who was invited
to my home for the weekend, who was already living
here on staff. If you cared about me at all,
do what James asks?

Speaker 1 (16:50):
No questions? Now do you believe I'm trustworthy?

Speaker 3 (16:53):
Okay, Colombo? Who do you want to see first?

Speaker 1 (16:56):
Actually, Reginald, I'd like to start with you.

Speaker 7 (17:06):
And so James began his questioning with Reginald in the
library outside the wind howled harder than Dreamgirls fans when
it lost the Best Musical Tony back in nineteen eighty two.
Oh that taste god. Ah.

Speaker 3 (17:25):
You know people think smoking's bad for them, for stivolute people.

Speaker 1 (17:31):
They're wrong, you know, No, they're right. Smoking kills people.

Speaker 3 (17:37):
Loneliness kills people, and old age.

Speaker 1 (17:40):
Do you like this record? It's one of my favorites
for someone whose husband just died. You don't seem that upset.

Speaker 3 (17:47):
And what exactly are you accusing me of?

Speaker 1 (17:51):
Nothing?

Speaker 3 (17:52):
Yet?

Speaker 14 (17:52):
I just.

Speaker 3 (17:54):
Nothing. I just good because when you accuse people without evidence,
you are no better than the DJ.

Speaker 1 (18:02):
I'm sorry, Are you Republican?

Speaker 15 (18:05):
No?

Speaker 1 (18:06):
Why are you attacking me? I feel judged. All I
want to know is where you were when Vandy was killed,
since you clearly weren't in bed with them.

Speaker 3 (18:15):
Correct. Vandy has his bedroom and I have mine. A
marriage was a marriage was very Victorian.

Speaker 1 (18:25):
So that's where you were your bedroom.

Speaker 3 (18:27):
Yes, and before that I was in my art studio.

Speaker 1 (18:32):
You're an artist. I've never seen any of your work.

Speaker 3 (18:35):
Yes, well, I'm very private and selective about my models.
It's something I do for myself myself alone. Painting soothes
me because life can be very stressful, especially at my age.
How old do you think I am?

Speaker 1 (18:51):
Honestly, I have no idea. Based on your skin, I'd
say sixteen.

Speaker 3 (18:57):
Really, battle do you have any idea how hard it
is to be a gay man these days?

Speaker 1 (19:04):
I'm a gay man, a respected.

Speaker 3 (19:06):
Gay man, someone in the spotlight. I don't come from
old money like Vandy. I grew up in a shack
below the Mason Dixon line. The second I came to
New York and sounded like Kelly Well, no one.

Speaker 1 (19:18):
Took me seriously. I got a voice coach.

Speaker 3 (19:21):
I couldn't afford nice clothes, but I studied up on designers,
kept myself trimmed. Some people are good conversationalists, others are
smart with money. I had my looks, have my looks.
I envy you you you children. You have no idea
what it was like growing up queer from my generation.

(19:44):
Do you know what happened to those of us who
survived the eighties? We had to live through the nineties
almost made me yearn for the thirties. Nobody had it
tougher than the gays, and I mean nobody. That's why
I'm a witch. Sorry, you heard right, A witch, wicked
part of the occultist Western esotericism. I worshiped the Triple

(20:08):
Goddess and the horn God.

Speaker 1 (20:10):
I do think we're getting off track here. Someone in
this house was threatening Vandy, he told me before he died.
I'm guessing it's the same person who killed him.

Speaker 7 (20:19):
Some people view death as a release.

Speaker 1 (20:22):
I'm not sure Vandy saw it that way.

Speaker 7 (20:25):
Listen, I believe an attempt in my life will be made,
and I intend to defend myself with everything in my power.
But if you're listening, to this, then sadly I have failed.

Speaker 1 (20:37):
What do you make of that?

Speaker 3 (20:38):
Poor Vandy? It's hard to believe he's gone. He hadn't
been himself lately, jumpy, erratic. Some moments he'd be high,
others he'd be low. It is almost like you, yes,
like he was falling in love. What a silly thing
to say, What a silly thing to say. I don't
know why that popped into my The only strange thing

(20:58):
I saw all day was Kelly and doing poppers in
the library. And the poppers part isn't strange, but either
of them in a library, Yeah, that felt a little unsettling.

Speaker 1 (21:08):
Kelly seems quite torn up about Vandy. Were they close?

Speaker 3 (21:12):
He was helping Vandy finances come back. But then Kelly
has for a role in the film, and not a cameo,
a lead. Can you imagine that southern trimp on screen?
And they had it out at dinner a volcano of
a fight.

Speaker 1 (21:27):
Really, what exactly did Vandy say?

Speaker 7 (21:30):
Well?

Speaker 1 (21:31):
What the fuck?

Speaker 4 (21:32):
What was that?

Speaker 1 (21:34):
I don't know.

Speaker 7 (21:34):
Come on, Wilmer, what the hell are you doing here?

Speaker 5 (21:42):
You're so I'm I'm there's an arrow sticking out of
that hot young man.

Speaker 6 (21:52):
Praise yourself.

Speaker 4 (21:53):
Is this all hurt?

Speaker 1 (21:57):
What the fuck?

Speaker 4 (21:58):
You just ripped that arrow out of my arm?

Speaker 6 (22:00):
Better out and in, darling. Now hold still by a bandage.

Speaker 1 (22:04):
Don't worry. I'm used to handling large slabs of bee.

Speaker 9 (22:08):
Am I the only one who wants to know why
this man has been used for target practice?

Speaker 1 (22:13):
You must be Wilmer Munroe Fandy's adopted son.

Speaker 14 (22:18):
That's right.

Speaker 1 (22:19):
Once Tush finishes wrapping up your arm, I'll need you
to follow me the Bandy's study so I can tie
you up sexy.

Speaker 4 (22:26):
But why the hell would I let you do that?

Speaker 1 (22:30):
Because I believe that you murdered your father.

Speaker 12 (22:33):
Gay ghast, gay Ghast film up kill Bandy never, not
in a million years.

Speaker 1 (22:41):
Here's the thing. I helped Vandy prepare the house because
he suspected one of you would try to murder him.
His bedroom was triggered with a crossbow set to launch
when someone entered. Hence Wilmer's the killer.

Speaker 7 (22:53):
Not so fast, Matt Cock.

Speaker 4 (22:55):
I didn't touch my father.

Speaker 2 (22:57):
A crossper in his bedroom. That is majorly fucked up.

Speaker 3 (23:03):
Bendy always did like a long.

Speaker 1 (23:05):
Piece of wood. Were you even invited? Wilmer, Vandy never
mentioned you were coming, which would mean that you're snuck
inside once everyone went to bed in order to murder yours.
I just wanted to talk to him.

Speaker 14 (23:16):
Is that a crime? Daddy cut me off. He thinks
I'm not responsible, but I so am.

Speaker 2 (23:23):
If you have to say you're responsible, you probably not.

Speaker 14 (23:27):
I wanted to tell him that I got a job.

Speaker 1 (23:30):
You did that.

Speaker 4 (23:30):
I almost got a job.

Speaker 14 (23:32):
I'm looking for one. I'm thinking about possibly looking for one.

Speaker 1 (23:37):
Did a gun just fall out of your pants? No?
It literally did give me that pure James ketch a
glock G nineteen.

Speaker 4 (23:47):
No, how could you want to murder your father?

Speaker 14 (23:51):
I wanted to reason with him when I was ready
to do whatever it took to get back my allowance.
Only as soon as I open the door, I was
shot by the effing cross bow and I ran. I
tried to reach the road, but the storm is too strong,
so I came back.

Speaker 9 (24:10):
If Wilma never went inside Bandy's room, then who killed him?

Speaker 1 (24:17):
I want to examine Vandy's bedroom, but first let's deal
with Wilmer. We can use these handcuffs.

Speaker 4 (24:25):
I'll always keep a seat on me for fun. You
don't know.

Speaker 1 (24:32):
Everyone stay here, Henry come with me.

Speaker 9 (24:35):
Should I bring my wand never mind, let's go.

Speaker 7 (24:41):
Moments later, James and Henry arrived at my bedroom door
and flicked on the light to see.

Speaker 1 (24:46):
Eh, it's worse than I imagined. Look at Vandy's body,
all that blood.

Speaker 9 (24:53):
Like when Lily Potter sacrificed herself so Harry could live.

Speaker 1 (24:56):
What why are you talking about, Harry Potter. We have
to be.

Speaker 4 (24:59):
Able to separate the art from the artist. We have to.

Speaker 1 (25:03):
I'm not going to have this conversation with you.

Speaker 3 (25:09):
Hmm.

Speaker 1 (25:11):
Now that I'm seeing Vandy in the light, something's off.
This looks like him, but his skin seems weird, waxy.

Speaker 9 (25:20):
Well, don't touch him.

Speaker 1 (25:23):
This isn't bandy, of course it is.

Speaker 9 (25:25):
I'm staring at Vandy in the world's gaudiest sleigh bed
with his neck slip.

Speaker 1 (25:30):
That's what someone wants us to think. This looks like Vandy,
but it's a doll, well made doll, super lifelike. What on?

Speaker 4 (25:39):
Don't put your fingers in his blood.

Speaker 1 (25:42):
It's not blood to sugary. And look on his foot.

Speaker 9 (25:47):
The toenails do look overgrown?

Speaker 1 (25:49):
No, the stamp, it says dapper cadavers. I don't understand.

Speaker 4 (25:56):
This is a fake Bandy.

Speaker 1 (25:58):
What does it all mean? It means Vandy isn't dead,
He's alive.

Speaker 4 (26:08):
Why God, James, your legging is blood? You're madder than
a wet pan. Also, what's it taste like?

Speaker 1 (26:17):
Why is everyone in Vandy's bedroom? Who's watching Wilmer?

Speaker 3 (26:20):
Toosha's downstairs with him? You were taking too long?

Speaker 1 (26:23):
We got bored, Henry and I discovered something strange. The
body we thought was Vandy's isn't. Does the phrase dapper
cadavers mean anything to anyone?

Speaker 3 (26:33):
That's the company Bandy uses to make bodies for his
horror films.

Speaker 4 (26:36):
Where's that walkin coming from?

Speaker 3 (26:39):
Meet the most Annoying Bird on the planet? Ladies and Gentlemen,
Angela Len's fairy teban Jeet Jetbian jew a Rainbow Cockatoo,
Vandy's Pride and Joy too bad?

Speaker 4 (26:55):
I wish it wasn't out, pieb and Gee, Bibi and Git?

Speaker 5 (27:00):
Does it say anything else?

Speaker 1 (27:02):
Angry, pirate, Kentucky plumblike Pap Tony denzil Rud? What do
those mean? There? Sex positions?

Speaker 2 (27:12):
Tony Denza is A sex position.

Speaker 4 (27:16):
Is when you're fucking a girl and ask her, oh's
the boss?

Speaker 13 (27:19):
And she turns around all confused, and then you tickle
over with a feather duster.

Speaker 6 (27:24):
Or so are gin, Pip and je Pip and jee?

Speaker 1 (27:29):
All right, it's late. Everyone is exhausted. Let's try and
get some sleep.

Speaker 4 (27:33):
With a murderer in the house and a bird. If
Bandy isn't dead, there might not be a murderer at all.

Speaker 1 (27:41):
I have the master key. I'll lock everyone in their
rooms for the night.

Speaker 7 (27:45):
What about the gun, I'll take it.

Speaker 3 (27:47):
I shot muskets back in the day. It can't be
too different.

Speaker 1 (27:50):
No way, it won't be safe with anyone but me.
Hopefully by morning the roads will be cleared and we
can call the police.

Speaker 4 (27:56):
Him joy, who's going asleep with the bird?

Speaker 2 (28:01):
Nay?

Speaker 4 (28:01):
I've always wanted a cock to What about Wilmer?

Speaker 3 (28:06):
I have an idea. There's a broom closet under the stairs.
He could stay there for the.

Speaker 4 (28:12):
Night, just like the boy who lived.

Speaker 1 (28:15):
I mean, sounds like a plato. Okay, good night, sleep tight,
don't let the bedbugs bite. Try not to get murdered.
James Wilson. Here, it's three seventeen am on Friday, well

(28:38):
Saturday morning. I'm recording my thoughts to keep track of
what's happening. When I rushed over to the main house,
I feared Vandy was dead. But is he or is
he alive somewhere hiding. I'm in Vandy's library, where I
set up the feeds for the hidden microphones, even though

(28:59):
we lost power. There's a small generator here, good for
one room. I'm not sure how long it'll last, but
fingers crossed now.

Speaker 7 (29:07):
I have to.

Speaker 1 (29:09):
There we go. Let's take a listen to what these
homos are saying behind closed doors.

Speaker 15 (29:17):
Dear Jesus, please forgive me for my sins, specifically for
what I did tonight, which was very, very bad, so
fucking bad.

Speaker 7 (29:32):
Jesus, come Angela, lads, very get over here.

Speaker 1 (29:39):
What why the fuck? Come on, it'll be fun. I
don't want to poor Paully.

Speaker 15 (29:49):
I'm worried I may have.

Speaker 4 (29:52):
We don't know who's listening.

Speaker 15 (30:00):
Take that jokes and.

Speaker 2 (30:04):
Careful now.

Speaker 15 (30:06):
Avoid the vein.

Speaker 12 (30:12):
Not thing's gonna harm you, not while I'm around.

Speaker 1 (30:19):
Where are you, Fandy?

Speaker 4 (30:21):
Where the hell are you.

Speaker 1 (30:27):
Next time?

Speaker 7 (30:29):
Does this murder make me look gay?

Speaker 1 (30:32):
You want me to install hidden cameras in your house.

Speaker 7 (30:35):
Exactly like what parents do when they spy on their nanny.
Can you pick some up at the home depot.

Speaker 5 (30:41):
Oh, Mississippi. Bird bats all the rage in the South.
It's when you fill a girl's mouth with kool aid.
Then she gets on her knees and you dip your
balls inside like a like a little baby bird wetness,
little bait.

Speaker 1 (30:55):
Not to pick partners. Let's draw straws. They don't you fraws.
It's terrible for the environment.

Speaker 12 (31:02):
But recrudraw from the house stealdog collection.

Speaker 4 (31:06):
You have a house dildo collection.

Speaker 1 (31:09):
We need to search every inch of this place and
find vandy before the killer does.

Speaker 8 (31:15):
Does this murder make me look gay? Stars Michael Ury
as James Wilson, Douglas Sills as Reginald Divine, Robin de
Jessus as Wilmer Munroe, Sienne Jackson as Jacques Saint Cox,
Sean Patrick Doyle as Madame Moon, Brad Oscar as Tush
von Munch, Nathan Lee Graham as Henry Jacobs, Frankie Grande

(31:37):
as Kelly Raymore, and Flanagan, Seth Radetsky as Polly Barker,
Leah Delaria as TJ featuring Kate McKinnon as Angela Lansferry
with Leah Salanga as herself and Jonathan Freeman as Vandy
Jeremiah Munroe the Third. Additional performances by Ryan Steele, Mallory Portnoy,
Emily Lynn, Nacho, Tam Bonting written and directed by Ted Mallower.

(32:02):
Executive producer Ted Mallower. Executive producers for Ninth Planet Audio
Elizabeth Baquitt and Jimmy Miller. Hank Woodard served as story editor.
Original score composed by Peter Lherman. Original score produced and
mixed by Alex Banoff. Theme song performed by Ted Mallower,
written by Ted Mallower and Peter Lerman. Piano accompaniment for

(32:24):
Madame Moon by Jacob Yates. Casting by Adam Caldwell, Karen
Cassel and Rachel Hoffman at Telsey and Company. Audio post
production by One Thousand Birds Principal recording, Dialogue, editing, sound
design and mixing by Torren Geller, Andrew Tracy and Haley Livingston.
Audio post executive producers Gwen Frailing and Kiera McKnight. Production

(32:46):
coordinators Hannah Dickinson, Gillian Langanelli, Isabella Danzy and Rose kelso Key.
Art by Ben Wiseman, Production accounting by Dill pret singh
Special thanks to Jordan Serf, Daniella Fetterman, Morgan Gould, Eric Harper,
Aaron Jenkin, Chelsea Crepps, Will O'Donnell, Don Saltzman, Michael Stearns

(33:09):
and Josh Pultz. Does This Murder Make Me Look Gay?
Is a production of Ninth Planet Audio in association with
iHeart Podcasts. This podcast was recorded under a SAG after
a collective bargaining agreement.

Speaker 1 (33:24):
Is Dona milverlanding Rentro, I don't know, I know.

Speaker 8 (33:28):
No, Ninth Planet Audio Capcom.

Speaker 3 (33:32):
We're overlanding.

Speaker 1 (33:33):
You're blaming no