Love The Kids, Hate The Pregnancy

Children are a gift, but the way they get here feels like a curse. Khadeen and Devale get real about what they hate about pregnancy. Dead Ass.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
You know if we're being real, right, if we're being real,
be real, baby. I hate pregnancy. When last you've been pregnant?
Right now? If I want to be real, I really
wonder if women knew as much as they know while

(00:22):
they're pregnant, if they regret it. I think that's a
fair question. Dead as desk, I'm wondering. I don't want
to know ded as. Hey, I'm Cadine and we're the
ellis Is. You may know us from posting funny videos
with our boys and reading each other publicly as a
form of therapy. Wait, I'll make you need therapy most days. Wow.

(00:46):
And one more important thing to mention, we're married. We are.
We created this podcast to open dialogue about some of
life's most taboo topics, things most folks don't want to
talk about through the lens of a millennium married couple.
That ads is the term that we say every day.
So when we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts,
the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

(01:08):
Were about to take pillow talk to our whole new level.
Dead ass starts right now. This is gonna be a
candid story because, as a lot of people see on
social media. I'm super excited about you being pregnant. Um,
I love my kids with all my heart. I have
to say that I love my kids with all my heart.

(01:30):
But this story in particular happened last week. All right,
happened last week. Coadina and I have been on a
two week like love session, and we've just been loving
each other. I've been loving my wife, whispering sweet, nothing's
doing inversions, stretching her out, compliment her every day, tell

(01:53):
her how beautiful she is. And then, um, I just
felt a little bit that at she had kind of
neglected me a little bit, you know what I'm saying.
So I was just like, you know, it's two weeks
I've been you know, complimentary. Let me just let her
know that, Hey, just giving you little heads up that
you kind of sleeping a little bit. And when I

(02:16):
sat down to talk to Codeine, I was quiet for
about smooth three minutes. It was about three minutes, right,
and he was like, what's wrong? And I was just
like nothing, because I was contemplating if I was gonna
say something or not. Was something wrong? So I decided,
you know what, I'm gonna say something, not going to

(02:37):
say nothing. I'm never not going right. So I said,
I just wants you to notice you sleep walking a
little bit. I understand you know everything, but I want
to let you know, you know your husband still here.
She didn't say nothing to me, She just looked at me.
Then she got up and I said, you are right,
and she goes, yeah, I'm all right. I'm just pay it,

(02:59):
and then them out the room. So the topic of
the show today is I love my kids, but I
hate pregnancy. And the reason why we want to talk
about this is because a lot of people see us
and we enjoy the moments that you know, you guys

(03:20):
see the moments, the two minute moments we put on
social media and enjoy the moment. It's a lot more
than those two minute moments with your children. A whole
lot of granted, really quick baby. We would not have,
I don't think continue to have more children if our
boys were not so bombed as absolutely absolutely the kids.
The kids are the only reason why we put up

(03:40):
with pregnancy. Like, I love all three of them. They're
also different, and it's literally like a show up in
here every day dealing with the different personalities. It's great
because even when our team comes into visit to do
the podcast and stuff. They just laugh at like all
the antics, you know what I mean, because they see
they see what we live every single day. This is

(04:01):
literally like these are the personalities. So with that being said,
let me ask you this, right, Um, when they came
time to think about having another child, you of course
was just like, I want I have to go through
another pregnancy. I understood that. You know, as much as
I was pushing and pushing on one of the child,
I understood that ultimately is going to come down to
you because you're the one that has to come to pregnancy.
I want you to tell the audience some things that

(04:24):
you can't say. You feel like you can't say because
if you said them, people would look at you like, oh,
she's ungrateful, she has kids. What are some of the
things women go through through the pregnant process where they
feel like the emotions they feel that they feel like
they can't say. Then now is your time to say, well, yeah,
I mean there's so so many different emotions and things.
So we've already discussed all of the changes that happened,

(04:46):
you know, physical, emotional. Um, However, you kind of have
to tread lightly sometimes because I feel like we're in
such a hyper sensitive state right now with everything. People
are so easily offended, people are so ready to be
upset about something, So I personally feel the need to
have to tread lightly sometimes when I speak to someone

(05:08):
candidly about pregnancy. One thing, advice is not always welcome,
and sometimes unsolicited advice is some of the worst advice
because it's like who to hell asked you anyway? You know? Um,
So I'm very careful personally when I am giving advice
or speaking of my um experiences to be mindful that

(05:31):
it may not be something a woman wants to hear
in that moment, or speaking about my journey to even
conceive or having a miscarriage. Things like that are very
sensitive topics because sometimes you just don't even know what
women are dealing with. Some of it is very personal,
very private, So it's kind of like you want to
make sure that you're saying the right thing, and sometimes
even when you do take the care to say the
right thing, it's still not the right So pretty much

(05:53):
it's unfair to paint a broad stroke over someone's experience,
exactly like you can't say pregnancy is to any woman
because every individual pregnancy is exactly I think the beauty
and what we do is that we just give our experience,
you know, which people have known us to do for
the past six now six seasons. Um, I hope in
giving my experience that people will say, Okay, this happened

(06:14):
for them. My walk may not be the same. However,
I know that I'm not alone if I'm experiencing something
the same way. So I feel like the candid um
experiences and telling those stories is necessary and that's why
I continue to do so. But I can understand how
for some women they're just like I just I don't
want to hear it in that moment, or it may
be a trigger, you know, for some people. So now

(06:34):
people are putting up trigger warnings in the beginning of
But here's what was some of your thoughts, like some
of your deepest thoughts when you thought about being pregnant
again that most women won't verbalize because they're afraid of judgment.
Like what was one of the first things you felt like, Okay,
I'm gonna be pregnant again. Is it fear? Is it? Like?

(06:55):
What was one of your thoughts that you feel like,
damn if I say this women are gonna kill me.
But this is how I truly feel. Um, I don't
think there was anything like that, only because this is
something that I genuinely wanted. However, I did feel like
people are gonna be like, oh, well, damn like having
another kid, Like how many kids? Are too many kids?
So when you say you're pregnant with your fourth, it's
like when are they going to stop? Like is there
a cap for them? Some people feel like they can

(07:18):
put a cap on how many children somebody has, you know.
So that was one thing that crossed my mind, like
they're just like, oh, is she gonna do it again?
Another thing I was kind of concerned about a little
bit was like even just from some family thinking like, oh, well,
I thought you were done because you wanted to do
this that in the third with your career. Now you're
gonna have to put all that on hold again because
you're having what I want to know, because it really wasn't,

(07:41):
but that's what you asked. Like what I was thinking, like,
oh my god, people may think I think I think
I'm framing I'm talking about for example, as a as
a father, right when people said, oh, your wife's having
another baby, right, your first thought processes. Let me say
the right thing so that people I feel like I'm
a good dad. You're like, yeah, I'm excited, like I
love pregnancy, when truthfully, a lot of dudes just be like,

(08:02):
I hate pregnancy. I hate I didn't think it would
be like that for guys because I thought guys don't
like pregnancy, so I think guys would be like what
I mean, I've figured guys don't like pregnancy would never
be like do you think that we could obviously like
if someone say, or your wife is pregnant, you could
be like, yeah, I know, ship. You can't say that.
You know what you gotta do. You gotta you gotta
be like, you gotta be like, yeah, I know, man,
I'm excited. I'm excited. But amongst guys, the way you'll y'all,

(08:24):
not not I won't say y'all, but the way sometimes
men even just have like a negative like oh, you're
getting married, damp. I feel like you can probably do
the same thing with pregnancy if you feel like you're
in a safe space with other men who understand what
it is. I am talking about our safe space, but
I'm talking about when you're not in a safe space.
For example, you and I are public figures. Now you
we can't just say, well, I know it sounds crazy,
but we can't just say how we feel because every

(08:46):
space is in a safe space, but our podcast is
a safe space. So what I'm saying is I would
like to hear some of the thoughts or concerns you had.
For example, one of my first concerns was and this
is what most men say, but this is what I said.
I'm going to have to eat crow and deal with
this attitude for ten months, and I can't say nothing,
Like as a man, you have to gear up for

(09:07):
that because because you know why. You know why your
wife is pregnant, You wanted her to be pregnant. You
know what she goes, so you understand all of that.
But sometimes when you're getting snapped that constantly while trying
to do the best, it can be like, yo, how
many more these am I going to take before I
lose my mind? And knowing that I have to, like
I have to deal with him or something that that

(09:29):
comes to mind now that you've expressed it that way,
that didn't even have to deal with the general public,
actually had to deal with you. I was like, now,
for the next ten months. I'm want to have to
hear this man or not hear him because he'll non
verbally bitch and moan about how much he's not going
to get sex. See that's but that's honest, and that's honest.
I was just like, I was concerned about that, and

(09:52):
I said to you, prior to us even deciding if
we were going to have another baby again, did I
do you understand what we're about to embark on? Do
you understand what it looks like for me in the
first second third, and do you understand that I'm going
to be pretty much out of commission for the next year.
Are you able to handle that? Are you willing to
deal with that without making me feel bad? Without huffing

(10:12):
and puffing around here, without having your mail down every
couple of weeks, Like, is that something that you're gonna
be able to deal with? Because if you don't feel
like that's something you can deal with, we might as
well scratch that because I don't feel like investing a
year of my life into that. That's a fair that's
a fair feeling. And I think that a lot of
people don't express that that is a concern, But that
is a concern, and as a woman, that was a

(10:33):
concern for you, that's unfair, and you've expressed that to
me and for you, you've expressed that to me, and
I've tried my hardest to be cognizant of that, and
you have. But that's initially what we had to talk about.
But that's but those are the feelings that I want
to hear. I want to hear I'm about to get pregnant.
What is my conception? Okay, Well, in the beginning, you'd

(10:54):
ask you about what other people would have thought if
I was spoken to speak what were you What are
you afraid to say that? You fear you're going to
get judged from other people about? So? Yeah, so what
were you afraid that was? That was on? So you're
afraid you're afraid to say that publicly because most women
don't want to get judgment or be judgment And if

(11:14):
I do say that, allowed you know, and I'd say
I was to create a post about it and say, hey,
you know, my hus wants to get pregnant again, but
that means I'm out of commission for a year. Blah
blah blah. Like I just expressed, then, I know of course,
the backlash will be, well, that's what he wanted, he
wants another child. Da da, Men are so immature, this
that the third or you get the adverse side of it,
where it's just like, well, since that comes with the territory,

(11:35):
this is what you wanted, this is what you asked for,
So all of that comes along with me expressing something
like that. So yes, in a safe space like this,
I would be like, yeah, that's something that was a
genuine concern for me. Because if I didn't care about
you and how you might have felt, or or your
our sex life or anything like that, then I could
have been like, all right, well I'm gonna just have
this baby and dads don't have to deal with it
because he knows what it is. But I felt it

(11:56):
was worth a discussion for us to have ahead of
time so we can both be prepared or for what
was about to happen. So that's one thing that I
think was Um, it was definitely paramount and had to
be had. UM. I was actually speaking with a friend
recently and she was talking about, you know, she just
had her second child recently, and she's just kind of like,
I had no idea that this was going to be motherhood,

(12:21):
and of course sometimes you have to preface it with
I love my children, because we know you don't say that,
and I think it's a parent it's understood, but we're
talking about like general public people. Um, I love my children. However,
if I knew everything that went into motherhood, I really
would have second guest if I even wanted to be

(12:42):
a mother to begin with. And I think that's a
fear assessment. That's a fear too and early ye, a
lot of stress, um, a lot of change, you know,
for herself, She's like, you know, I love me and
I love who I was pre children, and I just
feel like there's no foreseeable me in sight. And that

(13:05):
conversation then kind of spiraled into me telling her like says,
aid's gonna get better, it's gonna get easier. Um, knowing
now that she's done having children and her two can
grow together and she's completely done, what is it that
you need you need to keep yourself saying in this moment.
So we talked about her having time with her husband,
so if it meant that they had little weekend getaways

(13:25):
or her doing the things that she used to do
pre babies. But I think it's one of those things
that as a mom, you still feel that level of
guilt because she feel like, if you leave your children
for an extended period of time, that you know, no
one's going to take care of your child as well
as you can, even if you have family members or
if you have hired help. So I thought it was fair.
And she said that that's something she feels that she
can't say to just anyone. She can't say that publicly

(13:47):
because she feels that people will judge her for that
um And she kind of confided in me in that moment,
and she was just like, man, I can't understand, or like,
I couldn't fathom having four children, you know, much less
the two that I have. She's like, I do have
moments where I'm just like, man, had I known that
this is what motherhood was going to look like and
I had to sacrifice so much of myself, I would

(14:08):
have really like thought about when I was going to
have children, If I was going to have children, how
many years in between these children? Would my one child,
my oldest be the only child? And I thought those
were all fair questions. So I was happy that she
was able to speak with me. About it. But you know,
you can't necessarily just like have a whole discussion about
that without people saying, well, this is what she wanted.

(14:28):
These are one of the things you can't prepare for.
You literally cannot prepare for. No matter how much advice
you get, unsolicited or solicited. Um, you're always going to
have your own experience. And UM, I think that's something
that I think it's fair for mothers and fathers to
to deal with. You know, yeah, I feel like, um,
from my father's side, your our concern is being taken

(14:51):
for granted, and it being acceptable to be taken for
granted for ten months to a year because your wife
is pregnant. Because now it's like a lot of men
feel like, and I felt this at times too, that
once a woman or once you get pregnant, now it's
okay to say, well, I'm not doing that because I'm pregnant,
knowing that I'm going to say okay, to the point
where now it's just like, you know, I can just

(15:12):
disregard devours, feelings, his emotions, his wants, his needs. I
don't know, because for me, I'm thinking in the grand
scheme of things, ten months to a year, how long
is that in a relationship or you know the span
of time, so how much of that is? How much
of that My question to you is is is it
just kind of like I don't want to say bitching

(15:35):
and on it, but is it just you guys like
not being able to sacrifice a year of life and
say this is where I might have to ben? I think,
I think. I think what it comes from is everything
in marriage is predicated around a woman. We have to
propose and get you to ring you want. We have
to get married and do things the way you want.
So everything is based on what a woman wants and
a woman needs, and anytime a man says what he

(15:56):
wants or needs, it's considered bitching and moaning. So women
get to say what they want and need all the
time and we have to adhere to it as husbands.
But if I say what I want and need, then
I'm being sensitive emotional and like you just said, bitching
and moaning. So now that you're pregnant as to another level,
because my wife is pregnant, so it's already in marriage
that if I say what I want or need is

(16:17):
bitching and moaning. But now if I say it while
you're pregnant. During that ten months to a year, it's heightened.
So for a month in a year, I it's even
worse than what it was when I was married. And
that's the concern. And is it a fear that it
won't return to normal or is it that you just
don't want to sacrifice that ten months to a year
of life. No, it's it's a fear that part of

(16:39):
it is a fear that it won't return to normal,
because nothing goes back to normal once you have a baby.
So it's like at first, it's like, I can't do
that because I'm pregnant. Okay, Now I can't do that
because I just had a baby. Oh I can't do
that because I'm nursing. Oh I can't do that because
the baby's crying. So the fear is is like wherever
I was on the totem pole of an importance for you,

(17:01):
I don't exist there anymore. You see what I'm saying,
And especially during pregnancy, it's you. You. Your concern is
you really don't want to upset your wife, so you
get so accustomed to saying okay that she becomes accustomed
to hearing okay. That the one time, I don't say, okay,
it's a problem. And that's been that's been the way
it's it's been for for us over the years, and

(17:24):
I mean it's still that way today. I still chalk
it up to you know, emotions at times, but also
us having different wants and different needs, and also us
not being able to be who we want to be
for each other in those moments, of course, because physiologically
you can't. So maturity comes with understanding that. But that
doesn't mean that it's not a fear. You understand it.

(17:45):
And that's how people ask me all the time, how
are you able to just still be so happy and
excited and do this stuff for your wife's because you
understand it, not that you don't, not that you you
don't you know, it doesn't happen or you don't have
those feelings, but you understand where it's coming from. If
you really understand, then when a woman goes through through pregnancy,
you do understand that those changes can can create these

(18:06):
you know, these different gaps and fractures in the relationship
during that time. But I know that if I put
the work in, I can men those. So what I
stopped doing was I stopped just being upset and fearful
and wishing that it got better, and just try to
start putting the work in to make it better. But
that doesn't change the fact that as a man, you
feel like that. And men don't say that to other

(18:26):
men because they feel like bitch is bitching and moaning
or they feel like they if they say it makes
them sound weak or sensitive. But a lot of men
have expressed to me and you know, in silence, or
my friends have said to me and I know I
felt that way, that that you feel that way, and
you tell I gotta tell you something like it's okay
to feel that way like because a lot of times
husbands do feel taken for granted like you. You guys

(18:48):
don't realize it because you're the pregnant when you're the
one being catered to for a year. But could you
imagine it for a whole year nobody was concerned about
you at all, and everything you asked for or mentioned
was said of bitching and moaning while you're catering to
someone else for a whole year. Could you imagine doing that?
I would feel it would feel like the Yeah, it

(19:09):
could definitely feel lonely. Um but I feel like also
that you like having those spaces where you, for example,
can speak to some of your guy friends who I
know have confided in you recently. I think there's also
a safe space within people who have experienced the same things.
You know, So when you're talking to your guy group
of friends who are either becoming first time fathers or
who have had multiple children, there's like a camaraderie there.

(19:31):
The same way, I feel more comfortable, if anything, speaking
with another woman who is persolutely you know, because at
that point in time now we have stories that we
can compare. People's experiences are different, and I feel like
when it comes to guys, um feeling like they have
to always just kind of take the back seat and
take the back seat. Um. I think it's easier to
say as a woman, like it's just you know, ten

(19:54):
months to a year, but that nothing really does your
right go back to normal after that. So it had
me thinking of out but also hold on, could you
imagine if I said that to you in response, if
you said to me, stop bitching him only it's only
ten months or a a year, and I said, well, it
stop beating the moment about pregnancy. It's only ten months
to a year, Like, you can't say that to someone,
you don't. No one wants to receive that. So saying

(20:15):
that to someone, if you think about it's funked up
because no one wants to have to receive that. But
and and the term happy wife, happy life exists for
a reason because it's been it's been written or it's
an unwritten rule that as men you have to suffer
in silence so that your wife can be, you know,
in in peace. That's daunting for a man. And how

(20:38):
would those couples know if we don't express these things openly,
how would they know that it's been canceled? Happy wife,
happy life. It's never gonna be canceled. I'm surprised that
because people be ready to cancel everything. So it won't
cancel that. I know that. You know why they won't
cancel that because men be canceling stuff. It depends on
who's doing it canceling. Don't be canceling stuff. Men just

(20:59):
be like whatever. You know. So, with each pregnancy, do
you think it's changed? Absolutely, because I mean I think
things have gotten better, at least for us when it
comes to having to deal with pregnancy and then coexisting
as parents, as spouses. I think I think no, I
think it's said no, but it's what you said. You said.

(21:24):
When you get into a circle where people have similar experiences,
you feel comfortable expressing to realize you're not alone. Right,
So for me, saying these things on the podcast are
important because people can then hear someone else say it
and then realize that they're not alone. You know, see
what I'm saying. So so you don't know that you're
not alone until someone says it. Then someone says it

(21:46):
and be like, oh ship, I feel that way too.
And this is a large, a large part of why
I like having these testimonies because when men expressed to
me like man, my wife ain't doing this, so my
wife ain't doing that, or I feel like this, and
I go, bro, I've in there before. Then you get
what you mean. Just looks so happy all the time.
I said, yeah, you see us in our happy moments,

(22:06):
But that doesn't mean we don't go through things and
feel things, which means if you feel this way, that
don't mean that you can't be happy in your marriage.
That just means you have to take these feelings and
express it to your spouse so that she can learn
how to process it and say, and I think the
biggest changes that we've had these conversations before we've and
it's important for people to know. Before we had four
um Kadina and I had a conversation. She said, what

(22:28):
about we actually just started getting our sex life back.
You do know that once I get pregnant, stuff is
gonna change at least for a year. And I said, yo,
I got you, I get it. I understand. So once
we had that conversation, it was like, fine, Conde knew.
I understood. I understand that she understood. And that's why

(22:51):
we told the story in an episode one about us
constantly trying to serve each other because neither one of
us want to exist in that stigma. I'm not gonna
ever fall back and just like all my wife's being
a bitch, I ain't do nothing about. I don't care,
and you're never going to fit back and be like, oh,
my husband's bitching about something, I don't care. We constantly
work on it, and I think people need to understand
your frustrations you have with pregnancy are normal. As much

(23:13):
as we love our kids. So honestly, I feel like
even though we've had those discussions ahead of time were
develop this is you know what's going to happen. It's
easier to agree to that prior to than when you're
actually in the moment, because you've had moments even in
my first trymester, where you were like, well I just
need this or I just need that, and I'm just like, bro,
you know what you're signed up for. So why are

(23:34):
we even having these discussions? And there is no way
around that. But that's why we have the discussions because
when I said we have a discussion, that we said
we understand that doesn't absolve you of all of your
responsibilities the same way it never like I never get
a chance to be absolved with all my responsibilities. I
don't think it's looking for a way to be absolved
of it. But it's like, we know what's not going

(23:56):
to happen in the frequency that you wanted, for example,
So why are we having this discussion Because I have
to tell you when I feel like it's I understand
where you're coming from, but it's still been like really
really long. It's like if we have this conversation and
we say, let me know when it's gone gone too
long or it's been too far. You can't tell me
to let you know because we're supposed to communicate. But

(24:17):
then when I communicate, you get pissed. And that's the
part that as a husband, I feel like gets lost
in translation. Women say all the time, I just wish
my husband would communicate, but then when I try to
communicate you the things I may want or need, you
get pissed and say it's bitching and moaning. So then
you don't want me to communicate. You don't want to
hear what I need, because if I tell you what
I need or I want, I'm bitching and moaning. So

(24:37):
then if I if I cut back and I say quiet,
then it's, oh, my husband doesn't communicate. You see what
I'm saying, right, Yeah, And I'm not I'm not asked.
I'm kind of paying Devil's out here. I'm not asking no,
but I'm just I'm just saying, communicate that. But it's
just sometimes something that crossed my mind sometimes and I'm
just like, but we had a discussion about what this
is going to look like, and if I'm having a
bad day or I'm having a bad week or whatever,

(24:58):
I don't necessarily want to hear about it, But at
the same breath, I do feel like you need a
space to speak to me exactly, And I think that's
what people don't understand, and sometimes I think that's what
pregnant women don't understand. Right you you say you want communication,
I hold off a lot of times when I want
to communicate. I literally wait until I'm like, okay, it's

(25:20):
going on long enough. For example, we're working out, you're
supposed to walk twenty minutes. I didn't say nothing the
first two days you miss, or the third of the fourth,
but now it's a week. And then finally I say
something because it's been a whole week and now you
got an attitude, And I said, well, how long was
I supposed to wait before you do something that you
said you were going to do? You see what I'm saying.
So it is rather than you being accountable to say

(25:41):
then I did say I was gonna walk every day,
but it's been a week. Your thing is I don't
want to hear it. And as husband, it's like I
don't want to have to accept I don't want to
hear it when we've agreed to communicate. If we agreed
to communicate, don't tell me you don't want to hear it,
and emotions too, because accountability, if a acountability was a
person to be devout, holding everybody accountable for everything they

(26:04):
say they want. That's the only way I know how
to live to which is great because of that as
a testimony to why you are a successful and we
are as successful as we right, So I completely get that.
But Devo, sometimes when you're pregnant, you just don't want
to hear it. And I think you know, and I
think that's important, just no other way around it. But
but I think that's important for both women and men

(26:26):
to hear as much as people communicate. When you're pregnant,
sometimes you're just not gonna want to hear it. And
that's okay. And as a man, because think about it,
we've had discussions, right, but how many arguments or screaming
matches have we had? No? Those have? Those have drastically
decreased for us, especially when you're pregnant. I'm not going

(26:46):
to argue with you or screaming yell. I'm gonna let
you know how I feel. I'm gonna let you receive
in process at how you want. But I'm gonna let
it go from there, And that's one thing if I
had to give a tool to too young men or
men who don't know what it is like to be
married to a pregnant woman or deal with pregnancy. You
have every right to continue to communicate, but you have

(27:06):
to let her process and receive it the way she wants.
If she's gonna scream and yell and storm off and
get an attitude. In the past, I would have followed
you screamed and yelled, but now I'm like, she's pregnant.
I'm not gonna do that. I'm gonna let her screaming,
yelling get it out because most of that is emotional
response because you haven't typically responded like that when you
aren't pregnant, so I know what it is. But that

(27:28):
also doesn't change the fact that as a man, sometimes
you just like, how many times am I gonna let
her scream and yell and walk off? And I have
to hold it in? You know what I'm saying, And
I don't. I don't buy any means want to use
pregnancy as a crutch, either to then just be a
tyrant or to be you know what I mean, disrespectful
sometimes sometimes hit you. I gonna blame nobody, but it

(27:53):
ain't it ain't me. No, But but I do think
like having this conversation and hearing people hear us how
we feel about stuff, because people will watch me on
social media. But man, he just loves Codeine when she's
pregnant and they're just always happy together. And some dudes
may feel like, damn, I don't always feel that way
about my pregnant wife. So it's something wrong with my
wife or something wrong with me. And I'm here to
tell you, no, no, no, it's not nothing wrong with

(28:17):
you or nothing wrong with her. Me and Condina so
many days and here we look at each other and
we'll be like yeah, and we make choices not to
become Badily make those choices. And like I said, sometimes
I just want to be alone in that moment because
I feel like I can feel when my energy is
off or I just want to be left alone, so
I'll go and be by myself, and then Devout because

(28:37):
he misses me, will come looking for me. Devout, if
you miss me, just say you missed me, and then
let it just be. Let's just have those just tell
me you want me close, and then we can alleviate
some of the issues that way too. I do, but
but also I'm trying to allow you to have space.
It's a lot of hoop jumping. We talked about this
in an early episode. We as men have to do

(28:59):
a lot of hoop up, and you'll always set these
rules that just let me do this, just let me
do that, and every time we try to do it,
y'all move the go post. It is frustrating. It is frustrating,
and I know it has to be frustrating for y'all
because on this side, right we have a whole another
set of frustations, And that's what I want to I
want to hear some of those frustrations because I know
you also had frustrations about you said, the sex thing,

(29:20):
frustrations about not feeling like you can mom the way
you wanted to mom. You feel like you you'd be
so out of it that you feel like you're lacking
as a mom. So so far, you said you feel
like you lack as a wife in the sex department,
you lack as a mom. What other way do you
feel like you have a lack in your career because
you'd be too exhausted. But yeah, like I said in
the beginning, you know, people thinking like, Okay, nine is
of a certain age now, so we figured she's done

(29:42):
with the baby thing, like, is she gonna want to
do this for her career. I think what the pandemic,
for example, has showed me is that a couple of things,
one being the value in my family life and loving
the fact that I actually had my children home with
me all the time. I was actually a fan of
virtual learning because I'm like, I love to know that
my children are in the house with me and that

(30:04):
we are spending time together. So I loved that portion
of it. Also to it taught me that I can
work from home and there are certain flexibilities that I
didn't think I could have been afforded before that I
have now working from home. And I realized too that
there's still a lot of life left to be lived
when it comes to my career, that there's not necessarily
this timeline that I've had that we all have subscribed
to that we spoke about in the past, timeline of

(30:26):
being married and having kids and what age we're doing
what by um, I feel like that's now further extended.
So that being said, I felt that in the beginning
mainly because backlash. I thought I was probably gonna get
from my family, thinking to myself like, okaday, I thought
you were going to get yourself back in shape, so
you can be on camera again and you can host,
and you can third and I'm just like it. But

(30:47):
I could host pregnant. I can host after ten months
to a year realistically, in the span of life that
we're thinking, you know, I think you'll get back so
that your perspective on that has changed. Whereas before felt
like oh ten years in eternity, now you feel like
right because you feel like you start to catch some
traction with whatever you know career move that I'm making,

(31:08):
and then it's like, oh, you gotta stop and take
ten months office. Oh you know, you may be forgotten
in that ten months because you know, but no, now,
doing the things that we do on social media, people
can be along on this journey with me. So it's
not that fair of being forgotten or being out of
the spotlight for whatever, you know job it maybe that
if anything, people following this journey with us brings a

(31:28):
humanness to me. And then they say, oh, shoot, now
she's had the baby. I wonder if she's back to
work again. You know, so for me, I don't see
it as necessarily a crutch. And it may not be
that way for everyone's career, but for me and the
things that I want to do, I think that what's
of paramount importance to me first office, family, and I
feel like work can find its way around it. So
that's how I I was able to kind of reconcile

(31:51):
with that. Yeah, for myself, one thing I want. The
biggest thing I have to say that I hate about
pregnancy is I miss our companionship. Like like you be,
you become used to someone existing a certain way, and
then once your wife becomes pregnant, they have to become

(32:14):
a whole different person. You know. The things that we
used to do together to have fun, we can't do,
you know, um, And as you change, I do miss that.
And what happens is you don't feel comfortable saying that
I missed the way you were because you don't want
your wife to feel like, oh man, I'm not who
he was anymore. So there's gonna be love laws or

(32:34):
you don't want your wife to feel guilty. But as
as a husband, I do miss that, And I'm okay
now because I know we're so much stronger than when
we were younger. I do feel comfortable saying like Kadeen
when she's not pregnant is a completely different person than
when she is pregnant. And I can appreciate pregnant Cadein
because of course she's the best of life for our kids,

(32:55):
but I miss not pregnant Cadein. The non pregnant Kadeen
is no knock on. Pregnant Code is so much more
fun because, you know, turning my brother and my sister,
they're like, do you know Code? I know? That's that
and that's the that's like the like the best part

(33:17):
is like, yeah, you we drink together, we smoke together,
we watched movies together, we stay up late, we play cards,
like all of those things that we can't do, you
know what I'm saying because you physically can't, Like it
will be at eight o'clock and I was like, yore,
you ready to watch this thing? And like yeah, and
then obviously, oh you think about it. We just bought

(33:38):
this home and we're here and I literally got pregnant
within like a week or two of moving in, so
we haven't had to get a chance to enjoy this
house or you know, family vacation in a rubo with
the kids like that. You know, I couldn't jump off
the boat like you and Jackson and do all the
things that I wanted to do. So and the funny
thing is you to hold Josh. Oh. The funny thing
is is that I think when men always think that

(34:01):
the thing will miss the most is just, oh, I
don't get sex when I want. But the truth of
the matter is when you're married, you don't get sex
when you want. Anyway. The thing I really miss the
most is like my friend. You know what I'm saying,
Like like even simple things like jokes that we have
now because of the way you feel if I say
certain jokes, they don't be funny to you. Yeah, if

(34:24):
I say if I say something that, if I say
some things, you'll be like hyper emotional, you'll cry something
like that. I mean, I gotta walk on eggshells to
make sure that you're good. And I miss being able
to be loose devour that can just be with my
best friend. You know what I'm saying. And as a husband,
you don't want to say that, and you don't want
to say that to other people because then you sound selfish.

(34:47):
But the truth is if you still feel that way,
you're not saying it doesn't change the fact that you
still feel that way. You know what I'm saying, And
I want this to be a safe space for you
and for me to be able to express that so
people who may be feeling the same thing. Because is
one of my close friends. The first thing he said
to me was, YO, Bro, ain't gonna lie to you.
I missed my wife. I can't wait till this pregnancy

(35:08):
ship over so we can get back to being us.
And said, bro, you do realize she got a breastfeed
she's gonna you know, she have to nurse that baby
for six months. And he was like, damn, I don't
even think about that good looking at yo, I was like,
And I was like, yo, because if you if you
don't hear it, you feel like you feel like you're
not prepared for it, and then you feel like, oh ship.
When this happened, I'm caught off guard. But I was like, bro,

(35:29):
you're missing your wife. That's a good thing. It'd be
a problem if you didn't miss your wife, because if
your wife is pregnant. With my consolation, I always say that,
I was like, I know you missed me. I missed
you too, and we've said that too off podcast and camera,
like I know that you missed me and I missed
you too, and it's change gonna come and I'm not
I'm not concerned with that. Like younger Devout who didn't

(35:52):
know that it was get back, was concerned. But Devout
now that's why I'm able to smile and be in
a good place one because I choose to be in
a good place. Plus I wanted to have another child.
So when you know that this is a decision you made,
it's difficult to want that and then put the load
on your wife to be like I wanted this, make

(36:12):
it work. So a lot of it comes with being
in a position to say this is what I wanted,
so let's do it. You know what I'm saying, to
do it. But it's the last time. We're not doing
anything no more. No, it's a roller coast. I want
to actually get on a roller coast, like a physical,
actual roller coaster. I don't want to be it's been
it's been a year that we haven't, you know, since

(36:35):
the miscarriage and then us going to get painting again
and it makeing sure everything was good. It's been a
year since you've been normal codeem so we said, got
a little ways to go. So you're tugging it out.
Though you're tugging it out, you're thugging it out to
you thugging it out to all Right, y'all, let's go

(36:55):
take a little break and we will be back with
my favorite listener letters. All right, we're back with listening letters.
Before we start, I gotta say, the episodes that we
do about accountability for ourselves and each other seemed to

(37:20):
be the episodes that resonate the most with people, And
a lot of times I hear people say that was
hard for me to listen because I heard myself. But
then it makes you feel like Dan's I guess that's
what it is, you know, And it's like therapy, like
we get to talk about it. We get to talk
it out loud, so we get to hear each other first.
So before we get to listen to letters, I want
to thank you all for being a sounding board for

(37:42):
us because we get to talk and you'll, you guys, listen. Motivation. Yeah,
sometimes a lot of these topics to spiral out of
things that we've heard from you all. A's feedback right
absolutely absolutely comments and conversations and stuff like that happened.
So we love you'all, like from real for yeah, this
one says, first of all, I love y'all. See, we

(38:03):
were just having a whole love session. Love y'all back. Um, Okay,
let's get into it. My boyfriend and I have been
together for almost two years. In October last year, we
got pregnant. We already have a child. We weren't trying
and found only found out that I was pregnant because
I had several health challenges or severe health challenges actually,
and had to be taken to the hospital immediately. I

(38:25):
made the choice not to keep it number one because
I never wanted kids, but caved with my daughter. And
two because I was bedridden, severe nausea, temporary memory loss,
and excruciating migraines. I didn't think I could make it
to term with all the pain I was in. We've
dealt with that, but I've expressed to him that I

(38:46):
do not want anymore and he said that he would
be okay with that, but always makes jokes about twin
boys that we're going to have, saying he's keeping hope alive.
But there's no hope left. I don't want anymore because pregnancy,
what pregnancy does to me. I was also super nauseous
with my daughter. I'm convinced that my body will react

(39:08):
the same way with another pregnancy and immediately gives me
PDS PTSD feelings just thinking about conceiving again. Also, I
raised my daughter alone because her dad. Because her dad
and I okay missing I lived in different countries, so
my frame for reference for raising a child is that
of a single parent. Even though I did have help

(39:29):
from my family, I almost can't imagine having a partner,
even though I'm confident that he will do everything he
can to take care of us. It's hurting me because
I want very much too. Sorry, I want to be
able to have a child. I just don't want to
carry it. Do you think we'll make it any tips
on how to keep the conversation going until I make

(39:49):
a final decision, or do we just leave it alone?
And I just hope that he's really okay with having
my daughter and treating her like his own m hmm.
For of all, I applaud her honesty about saying that
she's the fear she has of dealing with all the
things from pregnancy because a lot of women are afraid
to speak on it because they, like we talked about,

(40:11):
don't want to be judged by other women for what
they fear or what they're going through. So the fact
that she's expressed that to him, I applaud her honesty.
Um Ultimately, after watching Codein go through pregnancy with Jackson
and having having to have emergency UH surgery right after
almost needing a blood transfusion, I honestly believe that it
is a woman's choice to decide whether she wants to

(40:32):
carry a baby or not. We don't go through any
of the physical challenges. And you made a joke earlier.
It was like, you know, every time we are pregnancy
is like a near death experience, and you were joking,
But seriously, it's not, you know what I'm saying. So
if she's adamant about not having another child and he
loves her, I'm pretty sure he would be okay with it.
But he has to decide does he have a love

(40:53):
a greater love for her or greater love for having children.
And if he decides that he wants to have more
children he's well with then his right to make a
decision and move forward accordingly. Right, So that's that's my
thoughts on it, right, And then too, I don't know
if she's specified in here, did she that does he
have any children already? He doesn't have any children. They
have one daughter. She has one daughter, and yes, um, yeah,
And I think it's the thing where I wouldn't I

(41:15):
would would not want to hold someone back if that's
what you want, if they have the dreams of having
the twin boys or just having children in general. I
think that's one of the first conversations you should have
with somebody. Yeah, absolutely know, even just dating or deciding
to be in a long term relationship, that you know,
what are the intentions when it comes to having children
or not, because you don't want to rob him of that,

(41:35):
you know. And if this is something that you're adamant
about and you just don't want to, um put yourself
through that again because it seems like she had a
really rough pregnancy with her daughter. Um, you may have
to decide about this, this is something you want to
do or you want to go separate ways so he
can ultimately fulfill that dream for himself, because it's right.
But I think he as the man in the relationship

(41:57):
has to do his due diligence and his research about
what women go through and pregnancy to understand what asking
a woman to go through a pregnancy means. You know
what I'm saying, because because a lot of men say
I want kids, and then once pregnancy starts, you know,
I can't do this. Ship man, she has just like
bo you ask for kids these ten months to a year,
this is what comes with that. And the truth of
the matter is that some people are ignorant. Some people

(42:19):
are willfully ignorant, and they choose to ignore that so
they can get what they want. But if you love
this person, you have a responsibility to do do dealings,
understand what women go through during pregnancy, what can happen
with labor, what can happen after labor, and then make
a decision where, you know what, what's more important to
me having the children that I want or being with
the woman that I want if she doesn't want to

(42:40):
have children. Once he does the due diligence, he can
make a better educated decision. Yeah, and I mean the
experience she had raising her child on her own different
countries like all of that too, I think is compounded. Yeah,
for sure, so I think if one thing that's easy
for me in our circumstance, for example, is like loving
you to death, knowing that you are a provide there,
you take care of home. Those are all of the

(43:02):
reasons that make it easy for me to subscribe to
another children, another child, or another pregnancy, because it's like,
I know, I'm not doing this alone. So I can
imagine how that fair of feeling like you're by yourself
can make you a little bit africate. Absolutely, um, I
think more conversations need to be had here for sure,
UM and really seeing where um, where his heart lies
when it comes to having children, and then with her

(43:23):
maybe seeing if there's ways that she can get things
to help treat things like severe knowledge. I know there's
like certain medications that are approved for pregnant way to take,
so almost kind of being proactive knowing like, okay, these
are the things that may come with your territory, so
let me discuss it with my doctor ahead of time
to see if we can get proactive as opposed to
So good luck to you, says I hope you'll figure
that out all right. Number two. First off, congrats on everything.

(43:46):
I'm writing this email on the day you all announced
that you are pregnant with baby number four. So excited
for you too. I've been a fan of yours or
a fan of you all for years, to the point
that I feel like you guys are the big brother
and sister I never had and that I've always wanted.
Bro and sist, I need your advice. I've been with
my husband for eight years, married for six years. He
is twenty eight and seven. We both have good jobs,

(44:08):
we have a nice living for ourselves. Our friends often
come to us for advice as if we have it
all together. We don't. Neither do we, says um. We
have a solid relation, but the one thing we that
we constantly go back and forth about is when is
the right time to have a baby. At one point
early in our relationship, my husband told me he wanted
a toddler, to which I responded, you know that don't
come out as Tyler's right, bro. The fact that she

(44:31):
said you know they don't come out as Toddler's right,
bro is hilarious but also shows me how close they are.
Whenever you can call your your girlfriend a boyfriend, bro,
that means your friends. So what am I supposed to
do with the baby until they are a toddler l
O L. We kind of laughed off that convo and
never really talked about it again. Now I feel like
I may be getting baby for you, as much as

(44:51):
I'm nervous to admit that. But so many things for
me back from fully feeling ready. We live pretty close
to my in laws and we haven't always had the
best relationship. That's not good. Mother in law made it
very clear that I wasn't her pick for her son.
I've come to groups with the fact that I could
have been Beyonce and she would have found something wrong
with me. Just since I want to say this, it
is not your mother's responsibility to pick your her son's

(45:14):
soul mate so she can kick rocks. Mother in laws, don't.
They don't mean anything like I'm just I'm just being honest.
But because I wasn't, I wasn't to pick for CoDeeN either.
Jesus wasn't even to pick for Codain, so I pretty
much had to show her like what it is. Yeah,
it made me pretty much say he I could have
walked through the door with Jesus Christ himself and turned

(45:36):
out exactly so I don't even trip on her mother
in law. She'll be fine. She has a tendency to
just pop up at our house, and I know that
if when we have a baby, there will be times
and I may not feel up to company. So she's
also very opinionated. My husband is a gentle giant and
has a heart hard time setting boundaries for a side
of the family, and I'm willing to be flexible with
that when she visits. But I would really appreciate if

(45:59):
she could first out of respect for me, if she
could just chill first, respect, if she could call first
out of respect for me. All this baby talks made
me nervous. Uh, my husband, I are really in a
great space in our marriage, and he who knows how
a baby will shake things up. See, these are all
the things that people be concerned about that we just
talked about, that they won't say because people asking him

(46:19):
for advice. And she doesn't want to say this out
loud because she fears judgment, which is exactly what we
talked about. But I love my husband and I know
he always wanted kids. He is such an amazing husband.
I want to give him anything he wants and needs
from me. But I'm just afraid of change. Change in
my physical body, changing my marriage, changing my relationship, changing
my family, all of the things. Will I ever be

(46:39):
sure about this? I'm so glad we talked about this
because she literally just said all the things that you felt.
Oh my gosh, am I overthinking? Any advice to you, guys?
Can you know you have to help me? Thanks? Love
you guys. Just listen to this podcast. Everything she says
she feels, all of the changes physical body, her relationship

(47:01):
with her husband, intimacy, her relationship with her in laws.
Of all of those fears, Codeine has said she had
and at every stage of life and pregnancy and parenthood,
and it's it sounds cliche, but there's never really a
right time. If someone's like it just happens and you adjust,
you pivot. That was the word. You remember what we send?
What's that both of us? We ain't having more on

(47:22):
one kid in this apartment. We had three three before.
And the reason why there was a gap between Jackson
and Cairo two reasons. One Codeine had, you know, a
little bit of nervous nervousness after having another child, after
everything we dealt with with the birth from Jackson. But
number two, we were trying to wait for the perfect
financial and career time to have a second child, and

(47:44):
it just seemed like after five years was like bro
bro right, Like in five years flew by and we're like, oh, shoot, kid,
and then it just ended up happening. I say that
boundaries are very important. Yes, that's a whole another Boundaries
are very important. And those conversations that we had and
it's like, sis, are we still going to harp on

(48:05):
the fact that I wasn't the pick for your son.
At this point, it's null and void. It never really
matters to begin with. But your your your husband's gonna
definitely have to have those conversations with his family as well,
knowing that, yes, after you have a child, sometimes you're
not up for company. Me being pregnant now sometimes I'm
not up for company deviance Like I want people to
come by, I want friends to come by, and I
don't feel like entertaining. I don't feel like entertaining people.

(48:26):
Because what happens when people come to your house. They
always look at the female of the house, the woman
of the house, to say, you know, how is she
going to treat me on my stay? They don't look
at the guys necessarily for that. So yeah, I understand
how it is when you want boundaries within your own
house and all of the changes. These are all warranted
for someone who I think is looking to become a
first time parent um And it's honestly, the conversation needs

(48:48):
to begin and end between your husband and you and
then know about subsequent conversations that need to be had
with his family for example, and vice versa. But I
will say this, this is very important. What he said
is what a lot of men think, because I did
think the same way he said. He wanted to toddler.
Remember when we were first having kids, and I was
just like, man, when this baby too and can walk

(49:12):
and party train, That's what I'm gonna step in at
alpen To Atlanta. Is nothing I can do for the
child right that. It doesn't work like that, And a
lot of dudes need to realize that you want to toddler,
there's gonna be conception, pregnancy, postpartum, nursing. You have to
take part in all of that if you want your

(49:32):
marriage to be the same it was before the baby.
Come if you remove yourself from all of that, even
as much as you are a provider. Because I think
with Jackson, and I think I expressed this on social media.
At one point with Jackson, I was big on just
providing because I didn't understand the the the spiritual and
um sensitive nature of being around your your spouse or

(49:56):
your your wife when she's pregnant and the baby's in
the stuff. Make My thing was I gotta get to
the bag. I gotta make as much money as possible,
so I was working so many hours at the gym,
had multiple jobs, trying to focus on making as much money.
And I feel like part of the reason why we
had issues the first part of our marriage and also
after your first pregnancy, is because I wasn't aware of
how important I am to the process. From the beginning,

(50:19):
I thought that if I just gave her a space,
and then once the baby was old enough for me
to help, that I could help. I thought that that's
what works. But it doesn't. I'm just being honest. It
does not help. The more you can be involved, So
when you have this conversation with him, the more he
can be involved in the process, the easier it will
be for you to make that decision. Absolutely, this is
a good advice. Good job baby, all right, now, this

(50:41):
was some goodness. And y'all write about pregnancy a lot.
It would be a lot to talk about pregnancy this season,
but people really do have a lot of that's a
fact that's not gonna go out of style. And if
you want to be featured as one of our listener letters,
be sure to email us at dead Asset Advice at
gmail dot com. That's d E A d A s
us A d v I C at gmail dot com.

(51:03):
Moment of truth time. So for me, my biggest thing
with this whole thing is, of course, loving children, hating pregnancy.
Find your find your group of people, find your your
safe space that you can speak to UM candidly, without
filter about your genuine concerns, because chances are they're going
to feel the same way. They're going to feel the
same way, and if they don't, at least you have

(51:25):
a trusted person, a trusted friend, UM that you can
just speak to and just really kind of get those
feelings out there, because sometimes when you harbor that, especially
when you're pregnant, you don't never want to harbor those
feelings of guild or those feelings of you know, being
upset or restless while you're pregnant. You know, growing a child,
um and it sometimes just helps to get it out
there because we all have those moments where of course,

(51:46):
like I said, the joy and the excitement can coexist
with fear absolutely uncertainty, especially if it's uncharted territory for you,
so you know, find you try and find your village,
and likely those people will also spill over into being
those people who after the baby is here, you'll feel
comfortable being around and also calling on for advice to
So no, I agree a thousand percent, and gentlemen, I'll

(52:08):
say this, make sure you vocalize. Let's normalize you being
able to vocalize your feelings, your wants, and your needs
not only to your partner, but to other people around you,
so that you know you're not alone. Period. You'll you'll
learn how to deal with these situations if you speak
to other people of like minds to learn how to

(52:28):
build a positive, mature, strong foundation in your marriage with
the mother of your child. Because if you don't vocalize it,
if you don't say it right and you just try
to internalize it, you're gonna end up finding a vice
somewhere else. And Lord knows what that vice can be
or who that vice can be or you end up
feeling guilty like a bad father because you feel like
you don't have the same type of excitement and warmth

(52:49):
that you see of other dads. So voice those feelings,
those fears, those opinions, know that you're not alone, But
most importantly, voice them to the mother so that I
can work on them together. Nice Sorry, y'all. Be sure
to find us on social media if you have not already,
so on Instagram. We're dead as the podcast and you

(53:10):
know you can find me Cadine, I am and I
Am Devout. And if you're listening on Apple podcasts, be
sure to rate, review and subscribe and share these episodes
with somebody who you feel like might need a little help,
you know, because I'm not giving you my phone number
to call me. The value giving out your phone number. Yeah,
I have my number. I ain't gonna answer it over
Dead dead Ass is a production of I Heart Media

(53:32):
podcast Network and is produced by the Norapinia and Triple
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